Like Me (2017) - full transcript

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Good evening.

What can I do for ya?

I want some milk.

You want some milk?

I want some milk.

Okay.

I'll go get you some milk.

What kind of milk do you want?

You want whole milk?

Skim milk, chocolate milk?



What is this?

Is this some kind of weird
internet prank video thing?

I take it you don't
really want the milk.

Cool mask by the way.

Did your mommy make that for ya?

Look.

Nobody.

You wanna buy something...

Buy something, but
if not I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave.

I'm not supposed to have
customers in here after 11.

Seriously though,
what's with the mask?

What, you don't talk?

I want some milk.



That the only thing you say?

Look, if you're waiting for
me to do something stupid

so you can get it on camera,

forget about it, it's
not gonna happen.

This is it!

Feast your eyes.

Fuck it.

I'm bored, I'll play along.

What do you want me to do?

What's gonna make
the best video?

You want me to bark like a dog,

or do some kind of weird dance?

Act like I got Tourettes?

Fucking shit, fuck
pussy face ass

cheek dick fuck!

What about...

Crazy straw man, look at all
the straws, straws, straws!

You're welcome.

Show's over.

I think I've been
more than patient

and accommodating, it's
really time for you to go.

I mean it please.

Stop, I'm serious, stop,
would you get that thing

out of my fucking face?

Please just.

Wait, all right, just,

there's not a lot
in the register,

but you can have
it, all right, just,

I'm gonna get a bag.

I won't call the cops,
I won't tell anybody.

I'll just stay here all night
until the shift is over.

And it's fine, okay, just,

will you say something please?

Please!

You want me to
get on the ground?

You don't have to
do this, okay, just,

you can just go and then
that's it, it's over.

Come on,

you don't have to do, you
don't have to do this,

I haven't seen your face,
I haven't seen your face,

I haven't seen your face,
and the money's right there.

Just please, I have a
family, I have a family.

I have a baby, I have a baby.

My wife,
and a baby.

Please, please, please.

Give me the fucking thing!

The fuck, what the fuck is this?

Is this a fucking toy?

What is this, a
fucking fake gun?

Oh shit, holy shit, holy shit,

holy fucking shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What we have here
is a perfect example.

And this is exactly why
our forefathers drafted

the Second Amendment, pow!

See this here?

That's what's called
sanity and that's why

I'm sitting pretty at home.

That other guy, he's
pissing his pants

while at the mercy of
some tween cunt rag.

This shit is nuts.

I don't know if
it's fucking real.

So scary with your
cool little mask

and your dumb looking gun.

It's a performance, you
know, it's a performance.

Fucking shit fuck pussy
face ass cheek dick fuck!

I don't even know what
to say about all this.

This dude pissed himself.

How you gonna pee yourself?

You know there's a camera,
what the fuck, dude?

I don't know if
it's corporate America

trying to fuck with our brains.

Vanna and I loved your video.

She wasn't really
gonna hurt him

but he got so scared
that he peed on himself.

Who does that to a person?

I'm really hoping
that was a fake gun.

I usually, I don't condone
this type of bullshit

but it's just too
good to pass up,

so I gotta see some crazy shit.

Straws, straws,
straws, straws!

- That was insane.
- I'm the straw man.

I'm the straw man.

Kudos to that chick.

You think you're the
only one with this, man

what's up, girl?

Take some
money, take some money,

I'm the straw man,
take some money.

You have a girl
holding you at gunpoint

has more balls than
you do, hombre.

♪ Making people wet their pants

♪ Kiya

This is a dramatic
presentation.

Bonjour you sexy humans
and extra terrestrials.

Burt Waldon here.

I've been seeing way too much
of these attention starved

whore bag on my feed.

I mean what the actual fuck?

Congratulations, Kiya, you've
made some deadbeat townie cry

and piss himself while
bringing joy to the lives

of bumble fuck incest
ridden hillbillies

with your fake gun.

Fake.

Just like you.

You're just another
fame obsessed junkie

trying to make the
biggest splash you can

before you shit out a
kid and die of cancer.

Here's the cold
hard truth, Kiya.

You're just as insignificant now

as you were yesterday as
you will be in a week.

You're a nobody, nobody.

Everything about you is fabricated
because you're garbage.

You're absolute garbage.

Putrid, grotesque,
and plague inducing.

Here's my advice to you.

Do us all a favor
and slit your wrist.

We're all running out
of clean water and oil.

Be the bigger person here

and remember go vertical.

Once cancer
cells appear,

they soon develop
into a clump of tissue

that lives at the expense
of the entire body.

Turn that off.

Huh?

I don't want that on me.

Why?

If you don't turn that off...

You're not being safe.

If I stop recording, will
you get pancakes with me?

Hi.

Hi.

Tell me a story.

Story?

Yeah, tell me a story.

All right.

This one time,

I don't know, I think
that one's kind of boring.

Can we just, I'd
rather just sit here.

Nope.

Actually first, if you
could be any kind of animal,

what kind of animal
would you be?

Like a?

Maybe something in the water.

Something big.

And just floating around.

Like maybe one of
those big things,

they swallow everything.

It has fish on its back.

A whale shark.

That's the biggest
kind of shark.

Do you think you'd
be a whale shark?

I wouldn't mind.

Okay tell me a story.

I like your beard.

Now tell me your story.

If I tell you a story...

Can we just eat after?

Yeah.

Give me a second here.

Okay I have to pee,
so you think on it.

Think on it real hard,
think of your best story

and then I'll come
back and I'll sit here

and I'll drink this
coffee and I'll listen.

I'm really good at that.

Yeah, front desk.

Do you remember me?

What do you mean?

I checked in a
couple of hours ago.

Do you remember
what I look like?

Real pretty,
young face, yeah I remember.

How young?

Not too young.

Are you sure?

Um.

Do you want to fuck me?

Okay, okay, okay.

Can I see your face?

No.

I can live with that.

What's going on with
all the plastic?

In case we make a mess.

Who's that little guy?

He doesn't have a name.

What's the raw deal?

Why did you come to my room?

I don't know,

I guess I

feel I would've
regretted it if I didn't.

Regret what?

Not fucking you.

Take off your shirt.

How
old are you again?

17.

17.

Is that a problem?

I didn't think so.

Hey, what are you,

wait a minute.

♪ Interstellar

Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to say no to the camera.

I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to insist.

Turn off the fucking camera.

Why?

Don't you want to watch
yourself fuck me on TV?

Are you
out of your mind?

No one's
going to see it but us.

And whoever else you show it to.

Oh yeah, are
you gonna give me the tape?

You bet.

Then what's in the bag?

Treats.

Treats.

Catch.

Enough.

That's enough.

♪ Transformation

Stop.

Shh.

You have to finish
what you started.

Okay,

I can eat anything.

I can eat everything.

♪ Lift that

Enough, enough.

Enough!

You're going to eat
or you're going to bleed.

Which is it?

Fuck you.

♪ Change

♪ Change

You shouldn't
play with strangers,

you might have too much fun.

Why do you have so
much stuff in your car?

Why'd you shoot me?

I was just having fun.

Good answer.

Where are your parents?

What's in your trunk?

- Julia.
- I gotta go.

Wait.

Yeah?

Do you wanna see
what's in my trunk?

Julia,
come on, let's go.

If I let you sit in the back,

are you gonna give me any shit.

Listen, I know
that I might not be

your favorite person right now,

but let's be honest,
you probably don't have

the best judge of character.

The way I see it is we've
got a long road ahead of us

and I think we'd both benefit

from some good conversation.

All right?

Is that your motel?

Yeah, basically.

What do
you mean basically?

It was my dad's,
he's dead and...

Left it to me and my
brother, he's dead now too.

So do you live there?

Yeah.

I had a house but
the storm took it.

Amongst other things.

What other things?

That's a weird question.

The rooms,
they're really beautiful,

how did you...

What is this, 60 Minutes?

What's 60 Minutes?

I painted them.

You painted them?

Yeah.

By yourself?

By myself.

What's with all
the bags of spray paint?

So were you in my room?

Yep.

When?

Right after
I knocked you out.

What's the
hardest drug you've ever taken.

- Acid.
- Acid.

Bet you never felt anything
like 97 cents in a paper bag.

What's the worst
thing you've ever done?

You've gotta earn that.

You can't just ask
something like that,

I don't know you, I
don't know you at all.

This should be more of a
conversation not an interrogation.

You know, a little more
of a back and forth.

What do you wanna know?

Um, well let's
start with a name,

that's what two people do when
they don't know each other.

My name is Marshall.

Kiya.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Kiya.

You got family?

Everybody does.

Where are
they, your mom and dad?

You like little girls?

What's that about?

Do you
like little girls?

What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, you know what, I like
them when they're ripe.

And I'll tell you one thing,
you can't put a number on that.

Nothing's that simple, nothing.

Nothing.

Never.

I think I like you more
than I thought I would.

That's good, that's
a good thing, right?

Why didn't you name your rat?

It doesn't need a name.

It doesn't know the difference.

That's true, but
then again the name

isn't for the rat, is it?

Hm.

Funny thing about pets.

You gotta keep them
from running away.

I'm gonna put you
back in the trunk.

Why?

Was it something I said?

No.

Next level snuff shit.

Tied a man to his bed.

No, no, it's not a sex thing.

It could've turned into
that later, I don't know.

And then she force fed
him until he vomited.

Can you believe
what we just watched?

This girl's nasty.

Hey I'm hungry, why don't
you come over here and feed me?

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Obviously this is a feminazi.

It back, eat that shit!

I'm happy for you.

You've made a friend.

This is a big step.

Sure you had to kidnap
someone to get there,

but hey we all have
to start somewhere.

Who raised you?

Where did you come from?

Were you a feral child?

How did you turn into such
a deplorable human being?

But what I want to
know above all else

is how in the world have
you managed to get away

with all of this?

I realize it's only
been a few days

since you held up the
convenience store,

but holy shit, are all cops
just universally incompetent?

I don't know what's more fucked.

This moronic society inhabited
by drooling imbeciles

who consume nothing but shit.

The mentally
defective human lumps

in charge of policing said
truly imbeciles or you.

A walking, narcissistic
shit generating factory

that feeds the
dumb and the blind

to fuel your ego while you
ride some vapid dopamine rush.

You're the epitome of
what's wrong everything.

A dumb, bored bitch with a
cellphone and a shitty plan.

Fuck everyone, they all
deserve your fucking toxic

brain numbing bullshit.

And this is fun for me.

Thanks to you, I
get a front row seat

to watching humanity
crumble and devolve

and it's all being
meticulously broadcast

by apes with cams.

I love you, Kiya.

You are my everything.

You know, I gotta
admit that kid,

makes a whole lot
of fucking sense.

Hey all right, all right.

Let's get the little guy.

Is that my gun?

So that tape of me vomiting,

you put that on the internet.

Yep.

How many people have seen it?

964,932 the last
time I checked.

Almost a million
people watched me vomit.

Open your mouth.

What's that?

It's a
horse tranquilizer.

- Ah.
- Ah.

Oh my god, that smell.

There's nothing like it.

Can I, can I, can I, can I?

Oh Jesus.

Jesus.

Oh God.

You're gorgeous.

But goodness you
have a weird way.

Like a...

Strange wicked way.

Okay.

I don't know what this is.

What is this thing?

Hey.

You're fucking with me.

Marshall.

Stop fighting the tranquilizer.

It's for horses.

I can take a horse.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

There are
flying saucers.

There's no doubt they
are in our skies.

They've been there
for some time.

What are we
going to do about them?

Who knows?

Then they
really are there.

I thought you
were convinced of that.

I am.

You've had
contact with them.

Contact, how?

Radio.

They speak our language?

Well not quite.

We receive messages
from their spaceships.

For awhile it came in as
just a lot of jumbled noise.

And now sir?

Well since they
first tried contact with us

by radio, we've developed
a language computer.

A machine that breaks down
any language to our own.

Hey.

What's with your room?

My room?

Swirling vortex
in your ceiling.

I don't know.

I just stare at it.

Passes the time I guess.

Are you scared of me?

Shit.

You might be the best thing
that ever happened to me.

See, he knows.

Okay Sally G says,
OMG, a rainbow done pool

out of his mouth.

You should attach
a GoPro to a dildo

and ram it up his ass.

What's a GoPro?

It's a little camera.

Sally G says to
attach a little camera

to a dildo and
shove it up my ass?

Sure sounds that way.

How big's a GoPro?

It's tiny.

Well like how big?

Fuck Sally G, what's next?

Tim Tim, Tim Tim says, he
looks like a piece of shit,

he probably has AIDs.

You should gut him and
toss him in the river.

Wear rubber gloves, faggot.

You know what, fuck Tim Tim.

He's got two first names.

You know a lot of
people are saying

I should shoot you.

You won't shoot him.

What?

This ends right here.

Burt.

Who?

Shoot him.

Answer me honestly.

If you weren't you.

Would you want to
see me shoot you?

I can't ask you.

You're the guy being shot, of
course you're gonna say no.

You shoot me, you're fucked.

They're gonna lock
your ass up forever.

Just go home.

They'll give you community
service and a book deal.

You think so?

Yeah, you haven't
done anything

that a pretty girl
can't get away with.

Cash out while you still
have the chance to.

It's for the view.

What if there's more to see?

Okay, are you ready?

Go.

Go!

Bang.

Marshall.

I missed.

- Okay, okay.
- Oh shit.

Okay, stay still.

Wait.

Marshall.

- God!
- Marshall.

I forgot to record.

You're doing great.

Marshall.

Marshall, talk to me.

I can't.

I feel weird.

You have to, you have to,

you're gonna pass
out, talk to me.

Something...

Feel.

Don't touch it,
stop touching it,

you're gonna make it worse.

Shit.

Jesus, pushing,
something's pushing.

I feel like my arm
is giving birth.

Marshall,
you're bleeding, okay?

We're gonna fix it, nothing
is coming out of your arm.

We need to think
positive thoughts.

Snow days, hedgehogs,

- coming.
- Coming.

- Sushi.
- Coming, I like sushi.

I like sushi.

Michael Jackson, Froot Loops,

Michael Jackson
eating Froot Loops,

don't touch it,
stop touching it.

There's an
eel coming out of my arm!

What?

There's an
eel coming out of my arm.

That's impossible,

there's no fucking eel
coming out of your arm.

I
can feel it, I can feel it,

I can see it.

Marshall,
it's not an eel.

Oh my god, it's a fucking eel,

you have a fucking eel
coming out of your arm!

It is, it is, let
it out, let it out!

It's
going, it's going!

Is it going?

Unfortunately in
life, there are times

when someone receives
such a significant injury

that a tourniquet may
have to be applied.

Hello, I'm Captain Jim Johnson

and today I'm gonna show you
how to apply a tourniquet.

So Lisa here appears to
be in quite a bit of pain

and I can see that there's
bleeding from the arm.

So real quick, I wanna do
a head to toe assessment

to see if there are any
more serious wounds.

So Lisa, are you
experiencing any pain

aside from the
wound in your arm?

Everything is gonna
be okay, Lisa.

We're gonna get you help and
we're gonna stop the bleeding.

Take a wide bandage or some
other type of cloth material

and place it right
above the wound.

Make an overhand knot,

make it tight.

Next place a pen over that knot

with another overhand knot.

Tight.

Next, rotate that pen

until the bleeding stops.

Just know that
applying a tourniquet

is a last resort and may
result in Lisa losing her arm.

Congratulations you may have
just saved someone's life.

Okay, I think we're
in tourniquet territory.

Good god.

You are losing a lot of blood.

No shit.

I'm gonna end up with
a stuffer for an arm

if I'm lucky.

Listen, get me a
god damn tourniquet

and bring me to a hospital.

Are you experiencing
any other plan

besides the bullet wound?

Fuck you, fuck you.

Listen, I'm gonna
die in this tub

if you don't get
your shit together.

Oh shit.

Things are getting
really narrow.

Look, you are
not going to die.

I am not taking
you to a hospital.

Just drop me off and go.

Marshall.

Marshall, Marshie!

Marshall, shit!

Marshall, Marshall.

Shit!

Marshall.

What did I tell you?

97 cents in a paper bag.

Tell me a story.

Come on.

You're a little shit.

You got one?

I guess.

I'm excited.

Well don't get your hopes up.

It was like, um, five years ago.

Everybody was waiting
for the storm to hit.

I thought I had enough time to

board up my motel

so I left my house

and I left my kid there.

Well it turns out,

the storm rolled
in early and I...

I got stuck in the
flood and I couldn't get

back in time.

The motel was under water.

The house got hit pretty bad.

Lift the whole roof up.

It was the worst
thing I ever did.

She...

She's probably your age now.

I don't know, have you even
graduated high school yet?

Have you
ever done this before?

I can't see you.

It's...

It's...

Hey, hey.

Hey Kiya.

Kiya.

Huh?

Do
you hear traffic?

A little.

Do you think
the front door's open.

Where's the rat?

Oh no.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

What?

- I think he ran.
- He ran?

Well go get him.

I got him.

Hey, just so you know,

I could've fucked you.

You're just
another fame obsessed junkie

trying to make the
biggest splash you can

before you shit out a
kid and die of cancer.

Subtitles by explosiveskull