Light Years (2019) - full transcript
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Well, sometimes
I get to thinking ♪
♪ And my thinking
turns to drinking ♪
♪ And then I am
a desperate man ♪
♪ Well,
I wish it were more groovy ♪
♪ But this
ain't no Disney movie ♪
♪ Yes, I'm doing
the best that I can ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
- Hey.
- Yo.
- What's up?
- Not bad, you?
Dude, you're not going to
believe what I just saw.
I believe it.
Little gingerbread
baby walking out
of the brick store,
can of Schweppes,
bag of Reese's,
bag of Munchos, wearing
a strange broccoli tee.
- What the hell is that?
- Schweppes.
Well, I can see that.
Shut up.
Right, well, he didn't
have any Munchos, but you...
Reese's, and a Schweppes,
and a t-shirt.
- Where'd you get that t-shirt?
- Be nice.
I'm guessing you
ate the mushrooms,
but why would you call me then?
Why would I call
you if I was tripping?
That's what I'm saying,
okay, good.
I'm super.
I know, this day
still always jams me up.
- No, I mean I'm hungover.
- Cute.
Okay, and now what are those?
No, not your giblets,
the Reese's.
Dude, it's 2017, and it's,
like, ten in the morning,
would you go get
a seltzer, or kombucha?
So what are
you going to do today?
What do you mean? It's his
death day, what do I always do?
I'm going to spike my brain with
mushrooms, you know, remember the...
- listen to, and smell the earth.
- Oh, man.
Give me a break, it's...
this is my therapy, okay?
I don't need some
knucklehead, you know,
- recycling who I was, and all the things I can't change.
- Okay, okay, relax.
Pretty much count that
out for the next four hours.
- Okay, Em.
- That's nice.
Life is for living...
even if we're killing the earth.
Yeah, well, if you
see him in the cosmos,
- give him a kiss.
- Will do.
This is Apollo 34,
signing off, bye-bye.
Wait, hey...
You look like somebody I know,
you know, you look like somebody.
Get out of here. Good day, sir.
- Right?
- Right.
Oh, fuck it.
♪ I dreamt of a fever ♪
♪ One that would cure me
of this cold, winter set heart ♪
♪ With heat to melt
these frozen tears ♪
♪ Burned with reasons
as to carry on ♪
♪ Into these twisted months ♪
♪ I plunge without
a light to follow ♪
♪ But I swear that
I would follow anything ♪
♪ Just get me out of here ♪
♪ But you get
six months to adapt ♪
♪ And you get
two more to leave town ♪
♪ And in the event
that you do adapt ♪
♪ We still might not
want you around ♪
♪ But I fell for the promise ♪
♪ Of a life with a purpose ♪
♪ But I know that
that's impossible now ♪
♪ I give myself
three days to feel better ♪
♪ Or else I swear, I'll
drive it off a fucking cliff ♪
♪ Because if I can't learn
to make myself feel better ♪
♪ How I can expect
anyone else to give a shit ♪
Too sanctimonious, come on.
Yeah, no, it's super sancti...
Dude, you cannot tell your
sister you got these from me,
she will shit,
she will literally kill me.
- I'm not going to tell her.
- I know.
- So, like, what do I owe?
- We'll worry about that later,
I don't want to, like, arm it
with some, like, transactional,
- monetary construct.
- Yeah.
So, why are you doing this?
I don't know, it's
something to do, I guess.
It's a trick question anyway,
you don't need a reason,
- neither do they.
- Who?
"Something to do," I like it.
Okay, uh, yeah, but, like, um...
what else?
Just be...
accepting.
Get the hell out of here.
That album's actually,
fucking, really good.
♪ She's just one of the girls ♪
♪ She's not one of those ♪
♪ One in a million ♪
♪ As if two halves and
a whole was holding me down ♪
♪ It's love and addiction ♪
♪ So my heart is a loaded gun ♪
♪ I thought she was
the one, brave one ♪
♪ Always a step ahead ♪
♪ Turning back to
watch me tripping us all up ♪
♪ I stumble cover... ♪
So sick!
♪ She's not one in a million ♪
♪ Having fun ♪
♪ She's not one in a million ♪
♪ Having fun ♪
♪ So my heart is a... ♪
Yeah, Briggs,
you get first pick.
- Why?
- Because that's how drafts work.
- How's that?
- You're super dubs,
like The Bangles,
the dubsiest team
- gets the first pick.
- Yeah, you're dubs.
- You don't get to say dubs.
- Why?
Canadian exchange rate cheapens
the currency of our humor.
Ah! That's, well,
case and point.
Anyway, come on.
With the first pick in
the '99 Captain Stem Draft,
the Dublin brings his select.
A questionable pick, at best,
it is as if the front
office gets off
- on being gross, and terrible.
- I get next pick.
Well, the second pick,
the Montreal Queensland.
- Randy Moss.
- Nothing funny about a great athlete.
And with the third pick
in the '99 Captain Stem Draft,
the...
I don't know what to call you.
Me neither.
Well...
who...
do you pick with a third pick?
- With a third pick?
- With a third pick,
- who do you pick with a third pick?
- With a third pick?
Oh, my God.
Fucking... Terry Guard!
Whoa, like Jordan falling
in the third slot in '84!
- This could go down in history.
- Fellas, ready to eat?
Gordon Sumner,
a good day to you, sir.
You said Bangels,
I thought it had to be football.
- Brett Favre.
- Gotcha, God, we bid you a goodnight.
Damn, God, with the
- Oh, Gregory Peck, you're disgusting.
- Who is that?
- I actually don't even know.
- Atticus Finch,
double mint twins.
Shouldn't we wait
until after dinner?
No, this way it'll kick
in when we get to the party.
Yeah, but...
Fuck you guys!
Yes, a perfectly
sane food to eat.
All right, Briggs,
can you grab a chair?
Sebba, put the plates,
silverware on the table.
And Kev, pick me
out a winner Bobby.
So sick!
Oh, American Treasure, Larry,
John Heiden, five words or less.
"He is the best," four,
and I liked you a lot better
when you called me Mr. Woodman.
That was like ten years ago,
I consider us friends now,
more than acquaintances...
- I don't.
- Okay.
- Dude.
- What?
- Why did we?
- Dawg,
- you're tripping.
- Right.
No, you're tripping,
you're not tripping yet.
Okay.
I am kind of bubsed though.
I am kind of bubsed though.
Kev, get what you guys
want to drink, please.
- Lar, let me have a Sierra?
- Nope.
But it's springtime,
new beginnings?
Don't care if it's doomsday.
Doomsday's not a season.
Agreed, I suppose
it's an eternity,
let's eat.
Sebba, have as much
as you want, buddy.
What the hell's
wrong with you two?
♪ You were born to blunder ♪
♪ Born to launder
born to wander ♪
♪ Even when
you're six feet under ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ You must go ♪
♪ There's a place you must go ♪
I got to... dubs.
What the hell's dubs again?
Worthless, W, dubs.
Yeah, that's a stretch.
- That's stupid.
- Then you're dubs.
What are you doing in here?
You're not
supposed to be in this.
Fourth rat.
You are so bizarre.
What the hell?
Hey, you all right?
It's a filet, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm eating it.
It's just I wanted
meat and milk and meat...
Where the hell's
this party again?
Mikey OC's.
That's an older crowd, man.
Em will be there.
- That's right.
- Yeah, but...
- does she really want you guys hanging out?
- She loves us.
- God, you love her.
- Grow up.
All right, she
can get you guys home?
Yeah.
Look what you've done.
Kev?
Yeah?
Great, that is great.
- You two knuckleheads are just sleeping here?
- Yeah.
- And your parents know?
- Oh, yeah.
All right.
- Dad?
- Yeah, bud?
Wait, what are you going to, uh,
what are you going to do tonight?
We can just hang here
with you, if you want,
- we don't have to...
- We can go to that party.
The Knicks are on
in about 45 minutes.
What... sorry, they suck
for the next 20 years.
You talk to your mom?
- Sebba, you drive, buddy.
- Oh, sweet.
♪ Take your time
make your time ♪
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ Because I'm fine without you ♪
♪ Would you mind it ♪
♪ Making a visit to ♪
♪ I'm okay
when I move within you ♪
♪ Every light land ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I could be lying ♪
♪ Following in my smooth ♪
♪ Still I keep trying ♪
♪ Telling myself
that I'm over you ♪
♪ Little devil wise ♪
♪ Will find the right place ♪
♪ Will it get worse ♪
♪ Try to keep my mind ♪
♪ Off the same old ways ♪
♪ Sticking to the one, girl ♪
Where's this
goddamn house again?
- We can walk.
- What?
I want to walk.
- Why?
- Look at that fucking light.
Would you stop swearing?
- Where's the house?
- It's close, walkable.
All right.
All right, boys, you know, have fun,
be safe, don't eat the brown acid.
- Dad.
- Yeah, bucko?
You good?
Yeah, I'm good.
- You good?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, why, no, yes, please.
Shall we?
Hey!
Be good.
Andrew.
We got this, Mr. Woodman.
Holy fuck!
- Driving was wicked fun.
- How the hell?
- He knows.
- No, he doesn't.
Larry always makes
the brown acid joke.
But, look at this,
I mean, it's unsavory,
to say the least.
- I mean, I mean look at him.
- Fuck you.
No, no, man,
that's not what I'm saying,
I'm acting like I'm acting...
...and you're
acting like he's acting,
and it's just, it's not good.
I'm chill.
Fine, then I'm
acting like I'm acting,
it's become abundantly clear
that I'm wildly self-obsessed,
and I'll be
the first to admit it.
I feel all right,
mine haven't really kicked in.
It's about to be a lot.
Oh, hits, please.
What is happening...
in my belly brain?
Well, son...
the psilocybin you ate
is being metabolized
into psilocin, activating
a cavalcade of serotonin,
thus granting you
access to the wardrobe portal
that leads to Narnia...
give or take.
Yes, yes, I think
I'm beginning to remember.
Why do you have
to make everything so...
- What, so what?
- Why can't you just chill?
Like, let it all happen.
Because that's what he does,
and that's the point.
It doesn't even mean anything.
Fuck you! And now my pants
are going to be all
- messed up, this is bullshit!
- Hey!
♪ My old boyfriend called me
just to tell me I'm crazy ♪
- Hey, what is this, gay tag?
- ♪ Tell me that I'm the one who ♪
Fuck you,
Briggs wasn't frozen.
- Ah!
- Stop, Briggs wasn't frozen,
- because the chicken in the tree, and the egg in the woods.
- Egg tree!
- What?
- Whistle!
- Unfrozen.
- Fuck, now I'm it?
- Frozen!
- Oh, shit, I get it!
♪ My old boyfriend writes me ♪
♪ Because he thinks
that I'm the one to ♪
♪ Embarrass me in public ♪
Frozen!
♪ The one he's sleeping with ♪
♪ Old lovers come
like tax collectors ♪
♪ Asking for the money
you know you've paid ♪
♪ But old lovers
they are the great... ♪
Don't throw up.
- What time is it?
- 8:50.
Canadian time?
We left the house at 8:30.
Feels like a lifetime ago.
What is wrong with Larry?
Do you think
it's weird that, like...
your parents have been
divorced for, like, a year,
and your dad still
has stuff in boxes?
What the fuck? In what
time space continuum would...
If I remember correctly,
it hasn't been a year,
and I think a lot
of things are weird.
I think Ostertag
just fucked around,
and got a triple-double.
Ostertag's never
had a triple-double.
Who the... fuck is this?
Oh, motherfucker.
Zabbadoo.
What's up, Kev?
Briggs, fucking sketch ball.
- Hop in.
- Oh, Jesus, that's... selfish.
Don't look at me like that.
Yeah, what's funny?
I'm getting a ride.
See you there.
Man...
it is crazy
you used to date her.
Yeah, dude...
I used to
do a lot of crazy things,
when I wasn't tripping
my balls off.
Ridiculous,
when I wasn't, so good.
I always seem to space when we
have to go to this fucking party.
Yeah, seems highly questionable.
Sir, I just don't see
the point in omission.
Sir, if I may speak
freely, we are outmanned,
roughly 102 and a half.
- Sir, it's a numbers game.
- Sir, I just want to know,
yes, sir, I quite
understand the stakes.
Sir, it just seems
really poorly planned.
Sir, he's not telling
you how to do your job,
- it's, it's, it's...
- Sir, it's a suicide mission, and you know it!
Sir, I'm begging you,
look at me, look at me.
- Sir, look at me.
- Look at me, sir.
- Sir, look at me.
- Look at me!
- Sir, look at me.
- Look at me.
- Sir, look at me.
- Sir.
- Look at him!
- Sir, I'll suck your dick.
What's up, Neil?
Did he just rip a davy?
Sir.
Look at me.
- Chill.
- You fucking chill, I'm not chill.
Is that
little Kevin Woodman?
- That hurts.
- Bounce.
Hi.
I haven't seen
your sister yet, but...
She'll be here, or...
I will burn this.
You two are just the cutest,
and now you're grown up,
and it's just not right.
- How is everything?
- I mean, pants got a little wet playing freeze tag,
but you know how that goes.
Come with me,
we'll get you out of those.
Mikey has a dry pair
you can wear,
- we'll get those in the drier.
- Please, no,
because it's just pants,
and a pokey
jumped over the spoon tonight.
They might be a little big...
but they're dry.
How are you though, sweetie?
Fucking boxers,
fucking ridiculous.
Divorce can be so hard on you kids.
No, that's...
Um, no, I think, uh...
that everybody
should get divorced.
No, I mean, I got
a couple things going on,
but I'm all right.
No.
No?
Come here.
Mom, what the fuck?
Nice mouth, Mikey.
I was getting
Kevin some dry pants.
Here you are, sweetie.
I didn't... do, I didn't want
pants, I mean, your pants,
I mean, my pants were
the ones that were wanted.
Please...
you're sleeping with his sister.
The least you can do is
let him wear your dry pants.
Be sweet.
You going to put on
those fucking pants, or what?
♪ Out of my mind ♪
I'm guessing
you ate the mushrooms.
Hey, baby boy.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no...
- Wait, quit it.
- Please, come on. You just texted me,
let's just hang
out for a second, please,
let's hang out for a second.
Oh, oh, ah, yes,
fuck yeah, I love you.
Kev.
What?
I love you too.
Let's get a beer.
- Hey.
- What?
Can you just,
just call mom, please?
I don't think
now is the best time.
I mean, like, soon.
- Yeah, I know what you meant.
- Okay.
Maybe it just doesn't
have anything to do with you.
Nothing to do with me,
that's rich, I wish.
Well, how are we talking
about this right now?
- Because maybe it doesn't have anything to do with me.
- What?
What?
Okay.
Listen, you got to
understand that life's...
- I mean, who cares.
- ...so short.
Oh, mama.
All right.
Life's so short?
- You're a dude, and a child.
- Perhaps.
There's an accumulation,
and a lifetime of s...
I'll call her.
- I get it.
- I'm sure you do.
- No, I do.
- Yeah? Lay it on me.
No, not like...
it's, uh, it's
the beer thing, oh, my God.
There's mercy in a cold beer.
That's a slippery slope,
but preach, baby boy.
I want it colder though, it
should be colder, shouldn't it?
You know who takes
temperature seriously?
Dad does, big temperature guy.
He'll put ice in his beer,
I've only ever seen him do that.
I'm going to do it.
- What?
- Nothing.
- You think it's sketch?
- No.
Think I should do it?
I do.
- What's up, baby?
- Hi.
Yo, you seen your brother
here? He's, like,
wearing my pants and shit.
- Yeah, they did seem a little militant for him.
- What's up?
Is that ice in your beer?
The fuck is that shit?
Did I see you
put ice in your beer?
That is so steely Dan,
Larry puts ice in his beer,
he's so bizarre.
I'm doing it, where's the ice?
What on earth is the military...
Hey, no, no, no.
What?
What the fuck?
Where's the ice,
where's the beer?
You can't leave him
over there, you insane?
Oh, look at this.
The sound of my own voice.
Gross, why'd you bounce on me?
Uh, I didn't bounce on you,
I bounced on Mrs. Glovel.
What happened?
Oh, uh, good try,
good try to articulate that,
that's a dog chasing its tail,
infinite Russian dolls
in the house.
What shit is that?
Shit...
pills, I don't know, contraband.
Yeah, I know what it is.
Hey!
What am I supposed to do?
Not sure.
Got a lot.
I'll tell you what though.
Tell me.
Tell me.
- There's mercy in that cup.
- There's mercy in that cup.
Fun, there's mercy in this cup.
Mercy in the cup.
There's mercy in the cup.
There's mercy in the cup!
♪ In the cup
cup, cup, mercy ♪
♪ There's mercy
in the cup, cup, cup ♪
♪ In the cup there's mercy ♪
♪ Mercy, mercy, mercy
mercy in the cup ♪
♪ There's mercy in the cup ♪
- Mercy in the cup!
- Okay.
Fuck is that?
Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
please, keep laughing,
kissing, drinking,
and drinking,
this is only a sound check,
this is only a sound check.
For my first trick,
I will pull a rabbit
out of my...
I love you guys.
I'm going to go try to get
somebody to touch my penis.
- You guys lost your shit in there.
- What, when?
I don't know, you were just screaming
about something in your cups.
Well, it was for a good cause.
Do mushrooms make you horny?
I'm so horny.
Are you guys horny?
Why do you have to say horny
like that, and so many times?
- Horny and mushrooms don't rhyme.
- I would have sex with
anybody on any substance,
but you do not have
to say horny like that.
- You guys are gay.
- Us, gay?
- No.
- Everybody's a little gay.
Biologically speaking.
You just got to shove it down.
I'm definitely zero gay.
Which thus, makes
you gayer than Christmas.
Whatever, there's, like,
so many chicks in there,
and you guys are in the corner
like jerking each other off.
Did...
we jerk each other off?
I mean, I don't... think so,
but I'm not really
in charge at the moment.
Am I interrupting something?
No, this is, uh,
this is stupid, we were just...
- I am going to...
- Get a beer?
Yup.
Sorry.
For what?
I wasn't... for the hugging,
I was not hugging you on...
purpose.
We hugged.
We certainly did.
How you doing?
Good, pretty good.
- I'm sorry if this is...
- I'm on mushrooms.
- What?
- What?
No. Is this weird?
It, I mean, is it...
it's all relative I guess.
I mean, on a scale
of weird to...
What are we talking about?
- Kevin, you don't have to try and be cool.
- I'm not cool.
- Whatever.
- I'm on mushrooms.
I mean, it's all pretty weird.
I guess it's not that weird.
I'd like to have
kids at some point,
but now that
seems irresponsible.
What were we talking about?
Am I having this trip?
What'd you guys eat?
- Mushrooms.
- And you just left him out there?
It was scary.
My hands were tied.
I don't know why
I even asked, or... cared.
Oh, right.
Is it because
you're here with...
Well, fuck, so many
weird things in the world,
but what I think
you're asking is not weird,
it's just funny.
Why?
Because he's a fucking loser.
What?
You broke up with me.
You think you're
better than everybody.
You guys must
be getting eaten up.
Kev, could I?
Why'd she have
to say that so hurt?
Because you broke up
with her for the...
because she had bigger breasts.
That's...
so fucked up.
And such a weird,
and scary way to behave.
Being a dude is so hard.
Oh,
that one wins the night.
Do you think I think
I'm better than everybody?
Big time.
I don't think that, especially...
You don't think what?
- That I think I'm better than everybody. Shh!
- Oh, absolutely.
I don't.
Like he's ordering poutine.
Oh, he's going to give
her the Aberdool snow plow.
He'll
give her the Sherbrick Zamboni.
- Yuck, he'll probably go with the Mont Tremblant Super G.
- You don't even ski.
- He will, however, give her the.
- Enough!
I have to get
you guys out of here.
Keep playing this game,
I'll be back, don't go anywhere!
The Shambley snow shoe.
That brother of yours,
I just want to eat him up.
- He's edible.
- I'll say.
I am so happy that you
and Michael are together.
Together?
- In the sense that...
- You're perfect for each other.
I know you.
Oh, honey.
Do me a favor,
don't be in such a rush...
because...
like it or not,
and sooner than later...
the brakes
are going to go out...
and by the time
you regain any control, well...
nobody gives a shit.
Jell-o shot?
Psst,
are you going to change it?
- Not a chance.
- Come on.
Are you kidding me? They got a pretention
that I'm productive right now, besides,
there's nothing
good here anyway.
Oh, sick.
Nope.
He's banging your sister
with his pinky...-
Chill, chill, chill, chill.
You're so fucking
violent sometimes.
Should I do it?
♪ Well, once upon a time a ♪
♪ Penis and a vagina
made a baby ♪
♪ Well, there must
have been a demon ♪
♪ Somewhere in that egg
or semen, it was crazy ♪
♪ The baby wasn't on the level ♪
♪ The offspring of the devil ♪
♪ And an evil flower bloomed ♪
♪ Well, it grew into a man ♪
♪ Spreading evil
across the land ♪
♪ And the human race
was doomed ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic
it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic
it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic
it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Yeah, it's catastrophic
it's catastrophic ♪
Shit, sophomore, man?
Sophomore? Exactly.
Changing my music,
wearing my pants,
hugging my moms, bag of pennies,
the fuck is that weird ass shit?
Do you want to do this
publicly or privately?
- Do what?
- I'm just saying, there's some disrespect here
that needs to be dealt with.
- I should, private, privately?
- I don't even hug my mom.
- Am I going to get beat up?
- No,
nobody's getting beat,
we're leaving.
And in case I don't see you, good
afternoon, good evening, and good night.
Listen, your choice,
anywhere in the world,
I mean, anywhere within
a reasonable driving distance,
but anywhere,
where do you want to go?
- It's your funeral, baby boy.
- Why are we leaving?
You said anywhere,
and that's what I want to do,
it'll take 20 minutes.
Oh, I'm not sticking around
to see how long it takes.
- Did you?
- No, she just jerked me off.
With your penis?
Uh, yeah.
Where do you even start?
- What do you mean?
- Have you looked at it?
- At what?
- Your johnson!
Yeah, guys, I'm uncircumcised,
that joke's super old...
- It's not that.
- But that does make it exponentially weirder.
It's just, it's dicks,
man, dicks in general,
my dick had a moment tonight,
and let's call it a lesson
learned, do not look
at your dick on mushrooms.
That's not what she said.
Enough dicks.
It just beggars the question...
what even is it?
Seriously, what even is it?
Seriously, what even is it?
- Aw, here we go.
- What even is it?
What... even is it?
- What even is it?
- What even is it?
- What even is it?
- What even is it?
What even is it?
Enough, guys!
Just because you
repeat and squeal things,
it doesn't make, like,
the source material funnier.
Yeah!
Em, can I ask you a serious
question though, seriously?
- It's a penis, Briggs.
- Damnit.
Please, just shut up
for one minute.
Perfect.
What?
Nothing.
- What's perfect?
- Nothing.
It's, uh...
fuck, Mikey's mom...
- Yeah, she's a handful.
- ...said, and we're
hardly going out...
she said that we
were perfect together...
him and me.
I mean, granted,
she's the Jell-O shot queen
of Chittaning County, said
to be taken with a whole salt
lake or a mine but...
perfect.
Oh, shit, you're tripping,
you don't want to hear this.
- No.
- Anyway.
- No.
- What?
You think you're
better than everybody.
What?
No.
- Yeah, dude.
- No,
I definitely do not.
I am better than him,
that's for sure.
Fuck you.
I am, you're not.
Oh, I'm definitely not.
Oh, my God, that just
screams that you think you are,
at least I can admit it.
No, no, no, see...
I'm not, I promise you I'm not,
factually, and in my brain,
I am for sure not.
I am, in my brain, and on paper.
Yeah, well, most of the time
I think you are too.
You don't have to be
all nice and sincere about it.
Buzzkill.
Yeah, well,
I'm getting old.
Schweppes, Munchos, repeat.
Take care of him.
Man, don't say that now.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
What do you mean what?
I had to navigate a transaction,
currency, goods and barter.
I might as well
have had a young girl,
- and a sack of beef or...
- How much for the little girl?
Well, as you can see, she's got
strong haunches, and she comes
from a long line
of very dedicated...
But she's burned,
see, she's burned,
she's burned here,
she's burned here,
by golly, she's burned all over.
She is quite burned.
Bag of Munchos,
can of Schweppes, and...
a Yoo-Hoo for my weary friend.
Deal.
Good day, sir.
- Good day, sir.
- Great, and we're good, good job, guys.
Oh, mother of pearl.
What the fuck are we doing here?
It was his idea.
- Hey, maybe if you just want to come in...
- Nope.
- Alright, will somebody please tell me...
- Sebba,
we're going
to chop some wood, okay?
- You don't have to help.
- Chopping wood?
We were at a banging party,
I was getting a hand job.
So this should be a breeze.
Are you going back to the party?
I don't know, I just
know I'm not staying here.
Well, I want to go.
Fuck!
God speed, love you.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Mom.
- Hey, boys.
- Hi, Mrs. Woodman.
- Is it still Mrs. Woodman?
- Well, it is tonight.
Okay.
Ow.
- Whose pants are those?
- I don't know.
Hey, please,
I am totally spaced to chop that wood,
so we're going to.
A month ago?
- That was in winter.
- I know.
- I was such a shit head.
- You guys can come in.
No, we're going
to chop that wood,
- and then be on our way.
- You guys are, you know,
more than welcome to stay here.
- Um, we're going to...
- Obviously, always.
Chop the wood, and then
probably walk back to dad's.
Kevin?
Yes?
Kevin?
What?
Oh, sick.
- She knows.
- No, she doesn't, chill.
- I'm not chill.
- I'm chill.
Well, that doesn't help
my being not chill.
You're chill.
Oh, fuck.
- Hello? Hey.
- Hi.
So, the boys are here.
- Oh, oh.
- They wanted to chop wood, which Kevin forgot to do...
- That's great.
- ...a month ago.
Yeah, well, they were
at your place earlier,
- and, you know...
- I dropped them at Michael...
Kontz's senior party.
- Yes.
- Whatever they're doing at your condo...
Condo, what? Why do you
have to say condo like that?
- I don't appreciate...
- You're living in the goddamn house.
Well, whatever they're doing,
whatever they've been doing...
Why are you talking like that?
- But I know they're not just...
- Like it's goddamn Fast Times over here.
Because last time I checked,
pot and manual labor...
I don't know what else
they could've been doing,
maybe they're
on those Red Bulls,
- I don't know.
- They're on something.
Well, they weren't
doing it here.
Fine, I'll call Cindy.
Charlie Warner, he's the best
quarterback in New York.
Well, we're not leaving
until Briggs chops one.
- Fuck that!
- Don't be a pussy.
- But I am, why are you being a jerk?
- Just chop one!
- No, seriously, dude, you're being a dick.
- I just want to see.
- Fuck you!
- Hey.
Fuck, he's just bad,
he's just bad.
All right.
Hello.
I think they're on mushrooms.
Mushrooms?
- Yes.
- Mushrooms? You think?
- What?
- They're on...
- No, I know.
- ...mushrooms?
I don't know, dumb-asses
left one behind in Kevin's room.
How did they get? They're 16.
What do you just have mushrooms
lying around the condo?
Would you shut up, please?
I don't know, when I dropped
them off, it... something was...
So I came back, and poked around
Kevin's room, and found it,
I mean, I don't even know,
I haven't seen these things
- in 20 years.
- Oh, please.
Uh, I'm upset too.
It's...
I'm upset.
I'm going to strangle them.
One hundred and ten percent, but before we
strangle, let's just maybe take a breath.
- Take a breath?
- Yeah.
They're safe.
Are they really chopping?
It's just...
they are safe,
let's let them ride this out,
and we'll drop
the gauntlet tomorrow.
Oh, of course,
you want to be the cool dad.
No, they're just tripping,
and I don't see
- anything...
- You want to be buddies with them.
Do you remember the last
time you ate mushrooms?
- No!
- I do.
- And what does that have to do with...
- My mom was
watching Em for the first time,
and we went up
to the North East...
Yeah, so, what
do you propose, Lar?
I don't know,
now I feel like I'm tripping.
Okay.
Well, should I
make them some food?
- Do they get hungry?
- I don't know, you know, maybe
give them some fruit,
and put on Europe '72,
- you have all my records, so.
- Don't.
- Axe!
- Yeah, I was going to say.
- Say what?
- The axe thing.
- Well, why didn't you?
- I was scared.
Shit, they're gone.
I got to piss.
So sick!
Man, Hartford '96?
- Good ear.
- God, that was my first show.
The first time they
ever encored with Monkey
- and the Merry Go Round.
- You're kidding me.
But it was Monkey
on a Merry Go Round
into Spaghetti Spaghetti.
Shoot me in the dick.
Eyes of the world,
put those away, kid.
I'm kidding.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
Get a Gatorade.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, what flavor?
I'd stay away from the Frosts,
you know, the blends.
Uh, how about just red?
- What are you going to do?
- Green bottles.
It's going to be all right.
Really?
No, but, you know,
it's too late to stop now.
- What the hell are you knocking for?
- What?
The cops knock.
- The cops called?
- No, I'm just saying.
- Well, I couldn't find them.
- They'll be here.
What makes you so sure?
They could
be driving to Timbuktu,
or, you know, God forbid,
playing with an axe.
Timbuktu?
Listen, I think the axe
portion of the evening is over,
for whatever reason,
I think hallucinogens
may bring Briggs
closer to normal.
They'll come home.
- Is this loud enough?
- What?
Do you want a beer?
I don't think I have any wine.
- Great.
- What?
Sure, I'll have whatever.
Let's see.
All this goddamn champagne.
I have this champagne, actually.
For what?
I don't know, it's just here.
Were you expecting company?
Do you want some champagne, Liz?
Sure, might as well toast
our kid to the psych ward.
- What?
- Sure!
Probably the greatest
song of all time.
Such a weird night.
What a weird life.
Hey, Briggs,
when's the last time
you even hooked up with a girl?
Guess that's a sore subject.
- Briggs!
- He's fine.
Fuck me.
Man.
Jesus fuck.
What the... every fucking time.
Whoa.
I haven't had a glass
of water in, like...
two weeks.
That was not chill.
I'm chill.
Lar, the bathroom is disgusting.
Excuse me?
- It is.
- Oh, go jump. The bathroom's...
If you're going to
have our daughter living...
- Did I leave the toilet seat up?
- It is.
Sorry.
But I cleaned it yesterday,
and I don't have to
explain myself...
Have her living here... you guys have
your own thing to figure out, okay?
I mean, maybe for just once,
you could be on my team.
You kind of broke
up the team, Liz.
Don't make it simple.
What a great year.
That's nice.
This part's weird.
This part of the mushroom?
No, this part of being a parent.
Yeah.
It's not like you
can just march him back
to the hardware store,
and make him return it,
and apologize.
What he... what did
he steal again?
It was a magnet that was
shaped like a cartoon corn.
Right.
That's why he's
so afraid of cartoon corn.
In the heart of the belly of the
lion's den, and you just bounced.
And I would do it again.
- You'd be terrible in war.
- Yeah,
I'd like to think
I'd be the worst.
There should be
a medal for that.
Pussy heart.
Sir, I mean, it's right
there on his uniform,
four pussy hearts,
and his two...
what do you, what do you call
a soldier's time at war?
- Tour.
- Tour.
- Sir.
- Sir.
Look at me.
Guys.
Give me some.
So shy, it's a good deed,
in a weird world.
You forget to
taste things sometimes...
or something.
What?
You guys fucking
making fun of me again?
No.
Kev?
Did we screw up?
I mean...
on paper? I don't know.
Having three 16-year-olds
on hallucinogens in the basement
of a divorced condo
with unsanitary bathrooms.
I never said unsanitary.
Disgusting is much prettier.
Did we?
Elizabeth.
I... I'm, you know, so...
confused, and...
sad,
about us, about... I,
I don't know how anything works.
Did we screw up?
Yeah, probably.
But...
we made two of my top ten
favorite people in the world.
I love her.
Dude, you're, like,
in love with her.
Yeah, that's what I just said,
and I will scream
it from the rooftops.
Dude, that's your sister.
The heart wants
what the heart wants.
I don't know.
My mom's here though.
- What?
- Don't be sketch.
I'm not,
it's just I know it,
because this is how it goes.
What do, what do...
are we going to be in trouble?
What, wait, how is she here?
This is Larry's house,
why is she here?
I don't know, Sebba.
- What can you do though?
- Fucking bounce.
Are we, are we fucked?
No, we're not...
- we're not fucked.
- But what are we going to do?
There's nothing much
we can do...
time's almost up...
best we try to enjoy it.
♪ So much here
has happened to me ♪
♪ And I don't understand ♪
♪ I can't sing
the blues anymore ♪
♪ But I can sing this song ♪
♪ And you can sing
this song when I'm gone ♪
Look at me.
Oh, my God!
Wait, what are you crying for?
Keep your shit together,
that's like the biggest party foul ever.
Well, this can't be good.
The boys are in trouble.
This doesn't feel like trouble.
It will tomorrow.
Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Okay, okay.
♪ Sometimes it's bombs
between daughters and moms ♪
What? It's Thick
and Thin, it's happy.
Oh, fuck, I'm going
to get a cold sore.
Briggs, get up here!
Now!
Fuck that.
- Fuck.
- I don't know.
- Why me?
- Go see.
- Come with me.
- He said Briggs.
- He's your dad!
- But he didn't say me.
Fuck!
Lar?
Andrew, hi.
Liz, hi.
You still like
Schweppes, right, honey?
Yes.
Mm.
So what are you guys doing down there?
Um.
Sebba left, it's just Kev and I.
You guys want to
come up and join us?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll get him.
- Okay.
What the hell is that?
Schweppes.
Yeah, I can see that.
- And your mom's here.
- What?
And there's an Atticus Finch
on the counter.
Oh, fuck me. Also, fuck you!
- What?
- I know who Gregory Beck is, fucking Dobleman twins,
- don't compare me to Baby Ty Donie.
- Not the time,
how could you be
thinking about that right now?
- You are so bizarre.
- Fuck!
- We're had.
- They're going to send me to rehab
- in New Hampshire.
- No, they're not, wait,
why New Hampshire?
Em's up there,
we got to go deal.
Oh, dude.
We got to deal!
Whatever you do,
avoid the counter.
- Hey, I'm sorry about what...
- Don't...
ever apologize for that.
Well, when it's not scary...
it's fun.
It's been a long
night for you fellows,
you must be hungry, eggy weggs?
And, uh, how was the party,
what did you find out there?
Eggy weggs, weggs,
weggs, Briggs, weggs, yes?
Eggy weggs, yes, can I have
another Schweppes? Tastes amazing.
You guys want
some home fries too?
Sure.
What did you learn?
What are you talking about?
On your vision quest.
Too late to stop now.
What was that, bucko?
It's too late to stop now.
Dan the man, dammit.
Lar, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Sure.
- In the other room.
Oh.
- Let's not make this into a cool thing, okay?
- I'm not.
Vision quest?
Let's be parents here, okay?
We are being parents,
I thought you said
we were going to mess with them.
Well, I changed my mind.
- As you do.
- What?
You have a penchant
for changing your mind.
- Oh, go chill.
- You go chill.
- You go chill.
- You go chill.
Leave no trace, knuckleheads.
Would you just grow up?
What does that even mean?
It means...
Just cut it out with
the eggy wegg thing.
I had two kids
when I was 30 years old,
and it's Clockwork Orange.
- Go jump.
- You go jump.
Watch these idiots jump.
♪ Hey, fools ♪
♪ Hey, what are you doing
back in town? ♪
♪ Man, I don't even know
what city I was in ♪
- What the hell?
- Oh, I spilled the plant.
♪ Let's cook them on something ♪
♪ There ain't nothing
I would do ♪
♪ The fine steaks on Sunday ♪
Larry, you the next one?
Don't call me Larry.
- Patrick 2719.
- Saucy.
♪ Stick it in the back
to do themselves ♪
♪ A fever, a moonlight fancy ♪
♪ Do you got now
the next joint ♪
That was a hollow log.
I feel like
the oldest baby in space.
♪ Pick it up on the next turn ♪
♪ Out of the car
no rhythm you ♪
♪ I won't let one of my boys ♪
♪ Sit back and let them do ♪
♪ Baby, the stacks outside ♪
♪ Because I like the cable guy ♪
♪ Memphis for gas ♪
♪ Ready to go from ♪
♪ Do you like it
do you like it like that? ♪
Light years.
♪ Do you like
wrapping the fence scale ♪
♪ Lay this down, it's been
a pleasure being here ♪
♪ In your wonderful cities ♪
You have no idea.
♪ Sometimes I just
feel it coming ♪
♪ Stacking, baking
take him please ♪
♪ Pick you up in the morning ♪
♪ New road below my feet ♪
♪ Dead end belly ♪
♪ Digging a road ♪
♪ You need medicine ♪
♪ Leave me alone ♪
♪ Pick you up in the morning ♪
♪ Stand before me like a tree ♪
♪ Double the ending ♪
♪ Whatever I can be ♪
♪ Hollow body ♪
♪ Microphone stand ♪
♪ Chevy and sweatshirt ♪
♪ Joining the band ♪
♪ Out beyond where
the churches are built ♪
♪ There lives a girl
racked with sorrow and guilt ♪
♪ And she is pining for me ♪
♪ But she is crazy ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Well, sometimes
I get to thinking ♪
♪ And my thinking
turns to drinking ♪
♪ And then I am
a desperate man ♪
♪ Well,
I wish it were more groovy ♪
♪ But this
ain't no Disney movie ♪
♪ Yes, I'm doing
the best that I can ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
- Hey.
- Yo.
- What's up?
- Not bad, you?
Dude, you're not going to
believe what I just saw.
I believe it.
Little gingerbread
baby walking out
of the brick store,
can of Schweppes,
bag of Reese's,
bag of Munchos, wearing
a strange broccoli tee.
- What the hell is that?
- Schweppes.
Well, I can see that.
Shut up.
Right, well, he didn't
have any Munchos, but you...
Reese's, and a Schweppes,
and a t-shirt.
- Where'd you get that t-shirt?
- Be nice.
I'm guessing you
ate the mushrooms,
but why would you call me then?
Why would I call
you if I was tripping?
That's what I'm saying,
okay, good.
I'm super.
I know, this day
still always jams me up.
- No, I mean I'm hungover.
- Cute.
Okay, and now what are those?
No, not your giblets,
the Reese's.
Dude, it's 2017, and it's,
like, ten in the morning,
would you go get
a seltzer, or kombucha?
So what are
you going to do today?
What do you mean? It's his
death day, what do I always do?
I'm going to spike my brain with
mushrooms, you know, remember the...
- listen to, and smell the earth.
- Oh, man.
Give me a break, it's...
this is my therapy, okay?
I don't need some
knucklehead, you know,
- recycling who I was, and all the things I can't change.
- Okay, okay, relax.
Pretty much count that
out for the next four hours.
- Okay, Em.
- That's nice.
Life is for living...
even if we're killing the earth.
Yeah, well, if you
see him in the cosmos,
- give him a kiss.
- Will do.
This is Apollo 34,
signing off, bye-bye.
Wait, hey...
You look like somebody I know,
you know, you look like somebody.
Get out of here. Good day, sir.
- Right?
- Right.
Oh, fuck it.
♪ I dreamt of a fever ♪
♪ One that would cure me
of this cold, winter set heart ♪
♪ With heat to melt
these frozen tears ♪
♪ Burned with reasons
as to carry on ♪
♪ Into these twisted months ♪
♪ I plunge without
a light to follow ♪
♪ But I swear that
I would follow anything ♪
♪ Just get me out of here ♪
♪ But you get
six months to adapt ♪
♪ And you get
two more to leave town ♪
♪ And in the event
that you do adapt ♪
♪ We still might not
want you around ♪
♪ But I fell for the promise ♪
♪ Of a life with a purpose ♪
♪ But I know that
that's impossible now ♪
♪ I give myself
three days to feel better ♪
♪ Or else I swear, I'll
drive it off a fucking cliff ♪
♪ Because if I can't learn
to make myself feel better ♪
♪ How I can expect
anyone else to give a shit ♪
Too sanctimonious, come on.
Yeah, no, it's super sancti...
Dude, you cannot tell your
sister you got these from me,
she will shit,
she will literally kill me.
- I'm not going to tell her.
- I know.
- So, like, what do I owe?
- We'll worry about that later,
I don't want to, like, arm it
with some, like, transactional,
- monetary construct.
- Yeah.
So, why are you doing this?
I don't know, it's
something to do, I guess.
It's a trick question anyway,
you don't need a reason,
- neither do they.
- Who?
"Something to do," I like it.
Okay, uh, yeah, but, like, um...
what else?
Just be...
accepting.
Get the hell out of here.
That album's actually,
fucking, really good.
♪ She's just one of the girls ♪
♪ She's not one of those ♪
♪ One in a million ♪
♪ As if two halves and
a whole was holding me down ♪
♪ It's love and addiction ♪
♪ So my heart is a loaded gun ♪
♪ I thought she was
the one, brave one ♪
♪ Always a step ahead ♪
♪ Turning back to
watch me tripping us all up ♪
♪ I stumble cover... ♪
So sick!
♪ She's not one in a million ♪
♪ Having fun ♪
♪ She's not one in a million ♪
♪ Having fun ♪
♪ So my heart is a... ♪
Yeah, Briggs,
you get first pick.
- Why?
- Because that's how drafts work.
- How's that?
- You're super dubs,
like The Bangles,
the dubsiest team
- gets the first pick.
- Yeah, you're dubs.
- You don't get to say dubs.
- Why?
Canadian exchange rate cheapens
the currency of our humor.
Ah! That's, well,
case and point.
Anyway, come on.
With the first pick in
the '99 Captain Stem Draft,
the Dublin brings his select.
A questionable pick, at best,
it is as if the front
office gets off
- on being gross, and terrible.
- I get next pick.
Well, the second pick,
the Montreal Queensland.
- Randy Moss.
- Nothing funny about a great athlete.
And with the third pick
in the '99 Captain Stem Draft,
the...
I don't know what to call you.
Me neither.
Well...
who...
do you pick with a third pick?
- With a third pick?
- With a third pick,
- who do you pick with a third pick?
- With a third pick?
Oh, my God.
Fucking... Terry Guard!
Whoa, like Jordan falling
in the third slot in '84!
- This could go down in history.
- Fellas, ready to eat?
Gordon Sumner,
a good day to you, sir.
You said Bangels,
I thought it had to be football.
- Brett Favre.
- Gotcha, God, we bid you a goodnight.
Damn, God, with the
- Oh, Gregory Peck, you're disgusting.
- Who is that?
- I actually don't even know.
- Atticus Finch,
double mint twins.
Shouldn't we wait
until after dinner?
No, this way it'll kick
in when we get to the party.
Yeah, but...
Fuck you guys!
Yes, a perfectly
sane food to eat.
All right, Briggs,
can you grab a chair?
Sebba, put the plates,
silverware on the table.
And Kev, pick me
out a winner Bobby.
So sick!
Oh, American Treasure, Larry,
John Heiden, five words or less.
"He is the best," four,
and I liked you a lot better
when you called me Mr. Woodman.
That was like ten years ago,
I consider us friends now,
more than acquaintances...
- I don't.
- Okay.
- Dude.
- What?
- Why did we?
- Dawg,
- you're tripping.
- Right.
No, you're tripping,
you're not tripping yet.
Okay.
I am kind of bubsed though.
I am kind of bubsed though.
Kev, get what you guys
want to drink, please.
- Lar, let me have a Sierra?
- Nope.
But it's springtime,
new beginnings?
Don't care if it's doomsday.
Doomsday's not a season.
Agreed, I suppose
it's an eternity,
let's eat.
Sebba, have as much
as you want, buddy.
What the hell's
wrong with you two?
♪ You were born to blunder ♪
♪ Born to launder
born to wander ♪
♪ Even when
you're six feet under ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ You must go ♪
♪ There's a place you must go ♪
I got to... dubs.
What the hell's dubs again?
Worthless, W, dubs.
Yeah, that's a stretch.
- That's stupid.
- Then you're dubs.
What are you doing in here?
You're not
supposed to be in this.
Fourth rat.
You are so bizarre.
What the hell?
Hey, you all right?
It's a filet, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm eating it.
It's just I wanted
meat and milk and meat...
Where the hell's
this party again?
Mikey OC's.
That's an older crowd, man.
Em will be there.
- That's right.
- Yeah, but...
- does she really want you guys hanging out?
- She loves us.
- God, you love her.
- Grow up.
All right, she
can get you guys home?
Yeah.
Look what you've done.
Kev?
Yeah?
Great, that is great.
- You two knuckleheads are just sleeping here?
- Yeah.
- And your parents know?
- Oh, yeah.
All right.
- Dad?
- Yeah, bud?
Wait, what are you going to, uh,
what are you going to do tonight?
We can just hang here
with you, if you want,
- we don't have to...
- We can go to that party.
The Knicks are on
in about 45 minutes.
What... sorry, they suck
for the next 20 years.
You talk to your mom?
- Sebba, you drive, buddy.
- Oh, sweet.
♪ Take your time
make your time ♪
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ Because I'm fine without you ♪
♪ Would you mind it ♪
♪ Making a visit to ♪
♪ I'm okay
when I move within you ♪
♪ Every light land ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I could be lying ♪
♪ Following in my smooth ♪
♪ Still I keep trying ♪
♪ Telling myself
that I'm over you ♪
♪ Little devil wise ♪
♪ Will find the right place ♪
♪ Will it get worse ♪
♪ Try to keep my mind ♪
♪ Off the same old ways ♪
♪ Sticking to the one, girl ♪
Where's this
goddamn house again?
- We can walk.
- What?
I want to walk.
- Why?
- Look at that fucking light.
Would you stop swearing?
- Where's the house?
- It's close, walkable.
All right.
All right, boys, you know, have fun,
be safe, don't eat the brown acid.
- Dad.
- Yeah, bucko?
You good?
Yeah, I'm good.
- You good?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, why, no, yes, please.
Shall we?
Hey!
Be good.
Andrew.
We got this, Mr. Woodman.
Holy fuck!
- Driving was wicked fun.
- How the hell?
- He knows.
- No, he doesn't.
Larry always makes
the brown acid joke.
But, look at this,
I mean, it's unsavory,
to say the least.
- I mean, I mean look at him.
- Fuck you.
No, no, man,
that's not what I'm saying,
I'm acting like I'm acting...
...and you're
acting like he's acting,
and it's just, it's not good.
I'm chill.
Fine, then I'm
acting like I'm acting,
it's become abundantly clear
that I'm wildly self-obsessed,
and I'll be
the first to admit it.
I feel all right,
mine haven't really kicked in.
It's about to be a lot.
Oh, hits, please.
What is happening...
in my belly brain?
Well, son...
the psilocybin you ate
is being metabolized
into psilocin, activating
a cavalcade of serotonin,
thus granting you
access to the wardrobe portal
that leads to Narnia...
give or take.
Yes, yes, I think
I'm beginning to remember.
Why do you have
to make everything so...
- What, so what?
- Why can't you just chill?
Like, let it all happen.
Because that's what he does,
and that's the point.
It doesn't even mean anything.
Fuck you! And now my pants
are going to be all
- messed up, this is bullshit!
- Hey!
♪ My old boyfriend called me
just to tell me I'm crazy ♪
- Hey, what is this, gay tag?
- ♪ Tell me that I'm the one who ♪
Fuck you,
Briggs wasn't frozen.
- Ah!
- Stop, Briggs wasn't frozen,
- because the chicken in the tree, and the egg in the woods.
- Egg tree!
- What?
- Whistle!
- Unfrozen.
- Fuck, now I'm it?
- Frozen!
- Oh, shit, I get it!
♪ My old boyfriend writes me ♪
♪ Because he thinks
that I'm the one to ♪
♪ Embarrass me in public ♪
Frozen!
♪ The one he's sleeping with ♪
♪ Old lovers come
like tax collectors ♪
♪ Asking for the money
you know you've paid ♪
♪ But old lovers
they are the great... ♪
Don't throw up.
- What time is it?
- 8:50.
Canadian time?
We left the house at 8:30.
Feels like a lifetime ago.
What is wrong with Larry?
Do you think
it's weird that, like...
your parents have been
divorced for, like, a year,
and your dad still
has stuff in boxes?
What the fuck? In what
time space continuum would...
If I remember correctly,
it hasn't been a year,
and I think a lot
of things are weird.
I think Ostertag
just fucked around,
and got a triple-double.
Ostertag's never
had a triple-double.
Who the... fuck is this?
Oh, motherfucker.
Zabbadoo.
What's up, Kev?
Briggs, fucking sketch ball.
- Hop in.
- Oh, Jesus, that's... selfish.
Don't look at me like that.
Yeah, what's funny?
I'm getting a ride.
See you there.
Man...
it is crazy
you used to date her.
Yeah, dude...
I used to
do a lot of crazy things,
when I wasn't tripping
my balls off.
Ridiculous,
when I wasn't, so good.
I always seem to space when we
have to go to this fucking party.
Yeah, seems highly questionable.
Sir, I just don't see
the point in omission.
Sir, if I may speak
freely, we are outmanned,
roughly 102 and a half.
- Sir, it's a numbers game.
- Sir, I just want to know,
yes, sir, I quite
understand the stakes.
Sir, it just seems
really poorly planned.
Sir, he's not telling
you how to do your job,
- it's, it's, it's...
- Sir, it's a suicide mission, and you know it!
Sir, I'm begging you,
look at me, look at me.
- Sir, look at me.
- Look at me, sir.
- Sir, look at me.
- Look at me!
- Sir, look at me.
- Look at me.
- Sir, look at me.
- Sir.
- Look at him!
- Sir, I'll suck your dick.
What's up, Neil?
Did he just rip a davy?
Sir.
Look at me.
- Chill.
- You fucking chill, I'm not chill.
Is that
little Kevin Woodman?
- That hurts.
- Bounce.
Hi.
I haven't seen
your sister yet, but...
She'll be here, or...
I will burn this.
You two are just the cutest,
and now you're grown up,
and it's just not right.
- How is everything?
- I mean, pants got a little wet playing freeze tag,
but you know how that goes.
Come with me,
we'll get you out of those.
Mikey has a dry pair
you can wear,
- we'll get those in the drier.
- Please, no,
because it's just pants,
and a pokey
jumped over the spoon tonight.
They might be a little big...
but they're dry.
How are you though, sweetie?
Fucking boxers,
fucking ridiculous.
Divorce can be so hard on you kids.
No, that's...
Um, no, I think, uh...
that everybody
should get divorced.
No, I mean, I got
a couple things going on,
but I'm all right.
No.
No?
Come here.
Mom, what the fuck?
Nice mouth, Mikey.
I was getting
Kevin some dry pants.
Here you are, sweetie.
I didn't... do, I didn't want
pants, I mean, your pants,
I mean, my pants were
the ones that were wanted.
Please...
you're sleeping with his sister.
The least you can do is
let him wear your dry pants.
Be sweet.
You going to put on
those fucking pants, or what?
♪ Out of my mind ♪
I'm guessing
you ate the mushrooms.
Hey, baby boy.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no...
- Wait, quit it.
- Please, come on. You just texted me,
let's just hang
out for a second, please,
let's hang out for a second.
Oh, oh, ah, yes,
fuck yeah, I love you.
Kev.
What?
I love you too.
Let's get a beer.
- Hey.
- What?
Can you just,
just call mom, please?
I don't think
now is the best time.
I mean, like, soon.
- Yeah, I know what you meant.
- Okay.
Maybe it just doesn't
have anything to do with you.
Nothing to do with me,
that's rich, I wish.
Well, how are we talking
about this right now?
- Because maybe it doesn't have anything to do with me.
- What?
What?
Okay.
Listen, you got to
understand that life's...
- I mean, who cares.
- ...so short.
Oh, mama.
All right.
Life's so short?
- You're a dude, and a child.
- Perhaps.
There's an accumulation,
and a lifetime of s...
I'll call her.
- I get it.
- I'm sure you do.
- No, I do.
- Yeah? Lay it on me.
No, not like...
it's, uh, it's
the beer thing, oh, my God.
There's mercy in a cold beer.
That's a slippery slope,
but preach, baby boy.
I want it colder though, it
should be colder, shouldn't it?
You know who takes
temperature seriously?
Dad does, big temperature guy.
He'll put ice in his beer,
I've only ever seen him do that.
I'm going to do it.
- What?
- Nothing.
- You think it's sketch?
- No.
Think I should do it?
I do.
- What's up, baby?
- Hi.
Yo, you seen your brother
here? He's, like,
wearing my pants and shit.
- Yeah, they did seem a little militant for him.
- What's up?
Is that ice in your beer?
The fuck is that shit?
Did I see you
put ice in your beer?
That is so steely Dan,
Larry puts ice in his beer,
he's so bizarre.
I'm doing it, where's the ice?
What on earth is the military...
Hey, no, no, no.
What?
What the fuck?
Where's the ice,
where's the beer?
You can't leave him
over there, you insane?
Oh, look at this.
The sound of my own voice.
Gross, why'd you bounce on me?
Uh, I didn't bounce on you,
I bounced on Mrs. Glovel.
What happened?
Oh, uh, good try,
good try to articulate that,
that's a dog chasing its tail,
infinite Russian dolls
in the house.
What shit is that?
Shit...
pills, I don't know, contraband.
Yeah, I know what it is.
Hey!
What am I supposed to do?
Not sure.
Got a lot.
I'll tell you what though.
Tell me.
Tell me.
- There's mercy in that cup.
- There's mercy in that cup.
Fun, there's mercy in this cup.
Mercy in the cup.
There's mercy in the cup.
There's mercy in the cup!
♪ In the cup
cup, cup, mercy ♪
♪ There's mercy
in the cup, cup, cup ♪
♪ In the cup there's mercy ♪
♪ Mercy, mercy, mercy
mercy in the cup ♪
♪ There's mercy in the cup ♪
- Mercy in the cup!
- Okay.
Fuck is that?
Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
please, keep laughing,
kissing, drinking,
and drinking,
this is only a sound check,
this is only a sound check.
For my first trick,
I will pull a rabbit
out of my...
I love you guys.
I'm going to go try to get
somebody to touch my penis.
- You guys lost your shit in there.
- What, when?
I don't know, you were just screaming
about something in your cups.
Well, it was for a good cause.
Do mushrooms make you horny?
I'm so horny.
Are you guys horny?
Why do you have to say horny
like that, and so many times?
- Horny and mushrooms don't rhyme.
- I would have sex with
anybody on any substance,
but you do not have
to say horny like that.
- You guys are gay.
- Us, gay?
- No.
- Everybody's a little gay.
Biologically speaking.
You just got to shove it down.
I'm definitely zero gay.
Which thus, makes
you gayer than Christmas.
Whatever, there's, like,
so many chicks in there,
and you guys are in the corner
like jerking each other off.
Did...
we jerk each other off?
I mean, I don't... think so,
but I'm not really
in charge at the moment.
Am I interrupting something?
No, this is, uh,
this is stupid, we were just...
- I am going to...
- Get a beer?
Yup.
Sorry.
For what?
I wasn't... for the hugging,
I was not hugging you on...
purpose.
We hugged.
We certainly did.
How you doing?
Good, pretty good.
- I'm sorry if this is...
- I'm on mushrooms.
- What?
- What?
No. Is this weird?
It, I mean, is it...
it's all relative I guess.
I mean, on a scale
of weird to...
What are we talking about?
- Kevin, you don't have to try and be cool.
- I'm not cool.
- Whatever.
- I'm on mushrooms.
I mean, it's all pretty weird.
I guess it's not that weird.
I'd like to have
kids at some point,
but now that
seems irresponsible.
What were we talking about?
Am I having this trip?
What'd you guys eat?
- Mushrooms.
- And you just left him out there?
It was scary.
My hands were tied.
I don't know why
I even asked, or... cared.
Oh, right.
Is it because
you're here with...
Well, fuck, so many
weird things in the world,
but what I think
you're asking is not weird,
it's just funny.
Why?
Because he's a fucking loser.
What?
You broke up with me.
You think you're
better than everybody.
You guys must
be getting eaten up.
Kev, could I?
Why'd she have
to say that so hurt?
Because you broke up
with her for the...
because she had bigger breasts.
That's...
so fucked up.
And such a weird,
and scary way to behave.
Being a dude is so hard.
Oh,
that one wins the night.
Do you think I think
I'm better than everybody?
Big time.
I don't think that, especially...
You don't think what?
- That I think I'm better than everybody. Shh!
- Oh, absolutely.
I don't.
Like he's ordering poutine.
Oh, he's going to give
her the Aberdool snow plow.
He'll
give her the Sherbrick Zamboni.
- Yuck, he'll probably go with the Mont Tremblant Super G.
- You don't even ski.
- He will, however, give her the.
- Enough!
I have to get
you guys out of here.
Keep playing this game,
I'll be back, don't go anywhere!
The Shambley snow shoe.
That brother of yours,
I just want to eat him up.
- He's edible.
- I'll say.
I am so happy that you
and Michael are together.
Together?
- In the sense that...
- You're perfect for each other.
I know you.
Oh, honey.
Do me a favor,
don't be in such a rush...
because...
like it or not,
and sooner than later...
the brakes
are going to go out...
and by the time
you regain any control, well...
nobody gives a shit.
Jell-o shot?
Psst,
are you going to change it?
- Not a chance.
- Come on.
Are you kidding me? They got a pretention
that I'm productive right now, besides,
there's nothing
good here anyway.
Oh, sick.
Nope.
He's banging your sister
with his pinky...-
Chill, chill, chill, chill.
You're so fucking
violent sometimes.
Should I do it?
♪ Well, once upon a time a ♪
♪ Penis and a vagina
made a baby ♪
♪ Well, there must
have been a demon ♪
♪ Somewhere in that egg
or semen, it was crazy ♪
♪ The baby wasn't on the level ♪
♪ The offspring of the devil ♪
♪ And an evil flower bloomed ♪
♪ Well, it grew into a man ♪
♪ Spreading evil
across the land ♪
♪ And the human race
was doomed ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic
it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Yeah, it's so catastrophic
it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ It's so catastrophic
it's so catastrophic ♪
♪ It's a catastrophe ♪
♪ Yeah, it's catastrophic
it's catastrophic ♪
Shit, sophomore, man?
Sophomore? Exactly.
Changing my music,
wearing my pants,
hugging my moms, bag of pennies,
the fuck is that weird ass shit?
Do you want to do this
publicly or privately?
- Do what?
- I'm just saying, there's some disrespect here
that needs to be dealt with.
- I should, private, privately?
- I don't even hug my mom.
- Am I going to get beat up?
- No,
nobody's getting beat,
we're leaving.
And in case I don't see you, good
afternoon, good evening, and good night.
Listen, your choice,
anywhere in the world,
I mean, anywhere within
a reasonable driving distance,
but anywhere,
where do you want to go?
- It's your funeral, baby boy.
- Why are we leaving?
You said anywhere,
and that's what I want to do,
it'll take 20 minutes.
Oh, I'm not sticking around
to see how long it takes.
- Did you?
- No, she just jerked me off.
With your penis?
Uh, yeah.
Where do you even start?
- What do you mean?
- Have you looked at it?
- At what?
- Your johnson!
Yeah, guys, I'm uncircumcised,
that joke's super old...
- It's not that.
- But that does make it exponentially weirder.
It's just, it's dicks,
man, dicks in general,
my dick had a moment tonight,
and let's call it a lesson
learned, do not look
at your dick on mushrooms.
That's not what she said.
Enough dicks.
It just beggars the question...
what even is it?
Seriously, what even is it?
Seriously, what even is it?
- Aw, here we go.
- What even is it?
What... even is it?
- What even is it?
- What even is it?
- What even is it?
- What even is it?
What even is it?
Enough, guys!
Just because you
repeat and squeal things,
it doesn't make, like,
the source material funnier.
Yeah!
Em, can I ask you a serious
question though, seriously?
- It's a penis, Briggs.
- Damnit.
Please, just shut up
for one minute.
Perfect.
What?
Nothing.
- What's perfect?
- Nothing.
It's, uh...
fuck, Mikey's mom...
- Yeah, she's a handful.
- ...said, and we're
hardly going out...
she said that we
were perfect together...
him and me.
I mean, granted,
she's the Jell-O shot queen
of Chittaning County, said
to be taken with a whole salt
lake or a mine but...
perfect.
Oh, shit, you're tripping,
you don't want to hear this.
- No.
- Anyway.
- No.
- What?
You think you're
better than everybody.
What?
No.
- Yeah, dude.
- No,
I definitely do not.
I am better than him,
that's for sure.
Fuck you.
I am, you're not.
Oh, I'm definitely not.
Oh, my God, that just
screams that you think you are,
at least I can admit it.
No, no, no, see...
I'm not, I promise you I'm not,
factually, and in my brain,
I am for sure not.
I am, in my brain, and on paper.
Yeah, well, most of the time
I think you are too.
You don't have to be
all nice and sincere about it.
Buzzkill.
Yeah, well,
I'm getting old.
Schweppes, Munchos, repeat.
Take care of him.
Man, don't say that now.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
What do you mean what?
I had to navigate a transaction,
currency, goods and barter.
I might as well
have had a young girl,
- and a sack of beef or...
- How much for the little girl?
Well, as you can see, she's got
strong haunches, and she comes
from a long line
of very dedicated...
But she's burned,
see, she's burned,
she's burned here,
she's burned here,
by golly, she's burned all over.
She is quite burned.
Bag of Munchos,
can of Schweppes, and...
a Yoo-Hoo for my weary friend.
Deal.
Good day, sir.
- Good day, sir.
- Great, and we're good, good job, guys.
Oh, mother of pearl.
What the fuck are we doing here?
It was his idea.
- Hey, maybe if you just want to come in...
- Nope.
- Alright, will somebody please tell me...
- Sebba,
we're going
to chop some wood, okay?
- You don't have to help.
- Chopping wood?
We were at a banging party,
I was getting a hand job.
So this should be a breeze.
Are you going back to the party?
I don't know, I just
know I'm not staying here.
Well, I want to go.
Fuck!
God speed, love you.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Mom.
- Hey, boys.
- Hi, Mrs. Woodman.
- Is it still Mrs. Woodman?
- Well, it is tonight.
Okay.
Ow.
- Whose pants are those?
- I don't know.
Hey, please,
I am totally spaced to chop that wood,
so we're going to.
A month ago?
- That was in winter.
- I know.
- I was such a shit head.
- You guys can come in.
No, we're going
to chop that wood,
- and then be on our way.
- You guys are, you know,
more than welcome to stay here.
- Um, we're going to...
- Obviously, always.
Chop the wood, and then
probably walk back to dad's.
Kevin?
Yes?
Kevin?
What?
Oh, sick.
- She knows.
- No, she doesn't, chill.
- I'm not chill.
- I'm chill.
Well, that doesn't help
my being not chill.
You're chill.
Oh, fuck.
- Hello? Hey.
- Hi.
So, the boys are here.
- Oh, oh.
- They wanted to chop wood, which Kevin forgot to do...
- That's great.
- ...a month ago.
Yeah, well, they were
at your place earlier,
- and, you know...
- I dropped them at Michael...
Kontz's senior party.
- Yes.
- Whatever they're doing at your condo...
Condo, what? Why do you
have to say condo like that?
- I don't appreciate...
- You're living in the goddamn house.
Well, whatever they're doing,
whatever they've been doing...
Why are you talking like that?
- But I know they're not just...
- Like it's goddamn Fast Times over here.
Because last time I checked,
pot and manual labor...
I don't know what else
they could've been doing,
maybe they're
on those Red Bulls,
- I don't know.
- They're on something.
Well, they weren't
doing it here.
Fine, I'll call Cindy.
Charlie Warner, he's the best
quarterback in New York.
Well, we're not leaving
until Briggs chops one.
- Fuck that!
- Don't be a pussy.
- But I am, why are you being a jerk?
- Just chop one!
- No, seriously, dude, you're being a dick.
- I just want to see.
- Fuck you!
- Hey.
Fuck, he's just bad,
he's just bad.
All right.
Hello.
I think they're on mushrooms.
Mushrooms?
- Yes.
- Mushrooms? You think?
- What?
- They're on...
- No, I know.
- ...mushrooms?
I don't know, dumb-asses
left one behind in Kevin's room.
How did they get? They're 16.
What do you just have mushrooms
lying around the condo?
Would you shut up, please?
I don't know, when I dropped
them off, it... something was...
So I came back, and poked around
Kevin's room, and found it,
I mean, I don't even know,
I haven't seen these things
- in 20 years.
- Oh, please.
Uh, I'm upset too.
It's...
I'm upset.
I'm going to strangle them.
One hundred and ten percent, but before we
strangle, let's just maybe take a breath.
- Take a breath?
- Yeah.
They're safe.
Are they really chopping?
It's just...
they are safe,
let's let them ride this out,
and we'll drop
the gauntlet tomorrow.
Oh, of course,
you want to be the cool dad.
No, they're just tripping,
and I don't see
- anything...
- You want to be buddies with them.
Do you remember the last
time you ate mushrooms?
- No!
- I do.
- And what does that have to do with...
- My mom was
watching Em for the first time,
and we went up
to the North East...
Yeah, so, what
do you propose, Lar?
I don't know,
now I feel like I'm tripping.
Okay.
Well, should I
make them some food?
- Do they get hungry?
- I don't know, you know, maybe
give them some fruit,
and put on Europe '72,
- you have all my records, so.
- Don't.
- Axe!
- Yeah, I was going to say.
- Say what?
- The axe thing.
- Well, why didn't you?
- I was scared.
Shit, they're gone.
I got to piss.
So sick!
Man, Hartford '96?
- Good ear.
- God, that was my first show.
The first time they
ever encored with Monkey
- and the Merry Go Round.
- You're kidding me.
But it was Monkey
on a Merry Go Round
into Spaghetti Spaghetti.
Shoot me in the dick.
Eyes of the world,
put those away, kid.
I'm kidding.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
Get a Gatorade.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, what flavor?
I'd stay away from the Frosts,
you know, the blends.
Uh, how about just red?
- What are you going to do?
- Green bottles.
It's going to be all right.
Really?
No, but, you know,
it's too late to stop now.
- What the hell are you knocking for?
- What?
The cops knock.
- The cops called?
- No, I'm just saying.
- Well, I couldn't find them.
- They'll be here.
What makes you so sure?
They could
be driving to Timbuktu,
or, you know, God forbid,
playing with an axe.
Timbuktu?
Listen, I think the axe
portion of the evening is over,
for whatever reason,
I think hallucinogens
may bring Briggs
closer to normal.
They'll come home.
- Is this loud enough?
- What?
Do you want a beer?
I don't think I have any wine.
- Great.
- What?
Sure, I'll have whatever.
Let's see.
All this goddamn champagne.
I have this champagne, actually.
For what?
I don't know, it's just here.
Were you expecting company?
Do you want some champagne, Liz?
Sure, might as well toast
our kid to the psych ward.
- What?
- Sure!
Probably the greatest
song of all time.
Such a weird night.
What a weird life.
Hey, Briggs,
when's the last time
you even hooked up with a girl?
Guess that's a sore subject.
- Briggs!
- He's fine.
Fuck me.
Man.
Jesus fuck.
What the... every fucking time.
Whoa.
I haven't had a glass
of water in, like...
two weeks.
That was not chill.
I'm chill.
Lar, the bathroom is disgusting.
Excuse me?
- It is.
- Oh, go jump. The bathroom's...
If you're going to
have our daughter living...
- Did I leave the toilet seat up?
- It is.
Sorry.
But I cleaned it yesterday,
and I don't have to
explain myself...
Have her living here... you guys have
your own thing to figure out, okay?
I mean, maybe for just once,
you could be on my team.
You kind of broke
up the team, Liz.
Don't make it simple.
What a great year.
That's nice.
This part's weird.
This part of the mushroom?
No, this part of being a parent.
Yeah.
It's not like you
can just march him back
to the hardware store,
and make him return it,
and apologize.
What he... what did
he steal again?
It was a magnet that was
shaped like a cartoon corn.
Right.
That's why he's
so afraid of cartoon corn.
In the heart of the belly of the
lion's den, and you just bounced.
And I would do it again.
- You'd be terrible in war.
- Yeah,
I'd like to think
I'd be the worst.
There should be
a medal for that.
Pussy heart.
Sir, I mean, it's right
there on his uniform,
four pussy hearts,
and his two...
what do you, what do you call
a soldier's time at war?
- Tour.
- Tour.
- Sir.
- Sir.
Look at me.
Guys.
Give me some.
So shy, it's a good deed,
in a weird world.
You forget to
taste things sometimes...
or something.
What?
You guys fucking
making fun of me again?
No.
Kev?
Did we screw up?
I mean...
on paper? I don't know.
Having three 16-year-olds
on hallucinogens in the basement
of a divorced condo
with unsanitary bathrooms.
I never said unsanitary.
Disgusting is much prettier.
Did we?
Elizabeth.
I... I'm, you know, so...
confused, and...
sad,
about us, about... I,
I don't know how anything works.
Did we screw up?
Yeah, probably.
But...
we made two of my top ten
favorite people in the world.
I love her.
Dude, you're, like,
in love with her.
Yeah, that's what I just said,
and I will scream
it from the rooftops.
Dude, that's your sister.
The heart wants
what the heart wants.
I don't know.
My mom's here though.
- What?
- Don't be sketch.
I'm not,
it's just I know it,
because this is how it goes.
What do, what do...
are we going to be in trouble?
What, wait, how is she here?
This is Larry's house,
why is she here?
I don't know, Sebba.
- What can you do though?
- Fucking bounce.
Are we, are we fucked?
No, we're not...
- we're not fucked.
- But what are we going to do?
There's nothing much
we can do...
time's almost up...
best we try to enjoy it.
♪ So much here
has happened to me ♪
♪ And I don't understand ♪
♪ I can't sing
the blues anymore ♪
♪ But I can sing this song ♪
♪ And you can sing
this song when I'm gone ♪
Look at me.
Oh, my God!
Wait, what are you crying for?
Keep your shit together,
that's like the biggest party foul ever.
Well, this can't be good.
The boys are in trouble.
This doesn't feel like trouble.
It will tomorrow.
Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Okay, okay.
♪ Sometimes it's bombs
between daughters and moms ♪
What? It's Thick
and Thin, it's happy.
Oh, fuck, I'm going
to get a cold sore.
Briggs, get up here!
Now!
Fuck that.
- Fuck.
- I don't know.
- Why me?
- Go see.
- Come with me.
- He said Briggs.
- He's your dad!
- But he didn't say me.
Fuck!
Lar?
Andrew, hi.
Liz, hi.
You still like
Schweppes, right, honey?
Yes.
Mm.
So what are you guys doing down there?
Um.
Sebba left, it's just Kev and I.
You guys want to
come up and join us?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll get him.
- Okay.
What the hell is that?
Schweppes.
Yeah, I can see that.
- And your mom's here.
- What?
And there's an Atticus Finch
on the counter.
Oh, fuck me. Also, fuck you!
- What?
- I know who Gregory Beck is, fucking Dobleman twins,
- don't compare me to Baby Ty Donie.
- Not the time,
how could you be
thinking about that right now?
- You are so bizarre.
- Fuck!
- We're had.
- They're going to send me to rehab
- in New Hampshire.
- No, they're not, wait,
why New Hampshire?
Em's up there,
we got to go deal.
Oh, dude.
We got to deal!
Whatever you do,
avoid the counter.
- Hey, I'm sorry about what...
- Don't...
ever apologize for that.
Well, when it's not scary...
it's fun.
It's been a long
night for you fellows,
you must be hungry, eggy weggs?
And, uh, how was the party,
what did you find out there?
Eggy weggs, weggs,
weggs, Briggs, weggs, yes?
Eggy weggs, yes, can I have
another Schweppes? Tastes amazing.
You guys want
some home fries too?
Sure.
What did you learn?
What are you talking about?
On your vision quest.
Too late to stop now.
What was that, bucko?
It's too late to stop now.
Dan the man, dammit.
Lar, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Sure.
- In the other room.
Oh.
- Let's not make this into a cool thing, okay?
- I'm not.
Vision quest?
Let's be parents here, okay?
We are being parents,
I thought you said
we were going to mess with them.
Well, I changed my mind.
- As you do.
- What?
You have a penchant
for changing your mind.
- Oh, go chill.
- You go chill.
- You go chill.
- You go chill.
Leave no trace, knuckleheads.
Would you just grow up?
What does that even mean?
It means...
Just cut it out with
the eggy wegg thing.
I had two kids
when I was 30 years old,
and it's Clockwork Orange.
- Go jump.
- You go jump.
Watch these idiots jump.
♪ Hey, fools ♪
♪ Hey, what are you doing
back in town? ♪
♪ Man, I don't even know
what city I was in ♪
- What the hell?
- Oh, I spilled the plant.
♪ Let's cook them on something ♪
♪ There ain't nothing
I would do ♪
♪ The fine steaks on Sunday ♪
Larry, you the next one?
Don't call me Larry.
- Patrick 2719.
- Saucy.
♪ Stick it in the back
to do themselves ♪
♪ A fever, a moonlight fancy ♪
♪ Do you got now
the next joint ♪
That was a hollow log.
I feel like
the oldest baby in space.
♪ Pick it up on the next turn ♪
♪ Out of the car
no rhythm you ♪
♪ I won't let one of my boys ♪
♪ Sit back and let them do ♪
♪ Baby, the stacks outside ♪
♪ Because I like the cable guy ♪
♪ Memphis for gas ♪
♪ Ready to go from ♪
♪ Do you like it
do you like it like that? ♪
Light years.
♪ Do you like
wrapping the fence scale ♪
♪ Lay this down, it's been
a pleasure being here ♪
♪ In your wonderful cities ♪
You have no idea.
♪ Sometimes I just
feel it coming ♪
♪ Stacking, baking
take him please ♪
♪ Pick you up in the morning ♪
♪ New road below my feet ♪
♪ Dead end belly ♪
♪ Digging a road ♪
♪ You need medicine ♪
♪ Leave me alone ♪
♪ Pick you up in the morning ♪
♪ Stand before me like a tree ♪
♪ Double the ending ♪
♪ Whatever I can be ♪
♪ Hollow body ♪
♪ Microphone stand ♪
♪ Chevy and sweatshirt ♪
♪ Joining the band ♪
♪ Out beyond where
the churches are built ♪
♪ There lives a girl
racked with sorrow and guilt ♪
♪ And she is pining for me ♪
♪ But she is crazy ♪