Life with Father (1947) - full transcript

Well, these are certainly the cleanest
steps on Madison Avenue.

That's how Mr. Day wants them kept.

Good morning.
Good morning.

You're new here, aren't you?

Just this morning.
This is the way Mr. Day gets his milk.

Annie, be careful of this dish.
You can burn your hand.

And keep the cover on
till you're ready to serve them.

Mr. Day likes his muffins hot.
I'll do that.

Annie, is the table set for breakfast?
Yes ma'am.

Good morning, ma'am.

Good morning, Annie.
How are you getting along?



All right, ma'am, I hope.

Now don't be nervous just
because this is your first day.

Everything's going to be all right.

But I do hope nothing goes wrong.

Oh no, Annie.
The cream and sugar go down at this end.

I thought everyone could reach it from here.

Mr. Day sits here.
Excuse me.

I didn't know where to place
the napkins, ma'am.

You can tell by the rings.
The boys have their initials.

C for Clarence.
He sits here.

J for John,
here.

W for Whitney.
He sits over there next to his father.

And the one with a little dog on it is Harlan's,
of course. He's the baby.

This narrow plain one is mine.
And this is Mr. Day's.



It's just like mine except that it got bent...
one morning.

And that reminds me, Annie.

Always have Mr. Day's coffee piping hot.
Yes, ma'am.

And whenever Mr. Day speaks to you,
just say Yes sir.

Don't be nervous. You'll get used to him.
Yes, ma'am.

Oh, that beautiful rubber plant.
I'm so glad it came.

You mustn't water it every day.

Too much moisture makes it very unhappy.

Well good morning, Mother.
I thought you were still upstairs.

Good morning, Clarence.

Father must be talking to himself.

A redhead!
Did you sleep well, Mother?

Yes, thank you, dear.
Golly I'm hungry.

Oh and Annie,
we always start with fruit in the morning.

Except the two younger boys
who have their porridge and milk.

Jiminy! Another wreck on the New Haven!

That always disturbs the stock market.
Father won't like that.

I do wish the New Haven would stop having wrecks.

If they knew how it upsets your father.

My soul and body! Clarence,
what's happened to your coat?

Oh it ripped open again.

Margaret mended it for me
but it won't stay mended.

Oh dear. I'll just have to speak to your father
about a new suit of clothes.

Clarence, why did you take my H2SO4
out of our clothes closet?

I've told you a hundred times
that closet's not to make experiments in.

Two?
Good morning, Mother.

John, have you been making those
chemical smells again?

No, Mother,
I'm making an electric battery.

It'll ring a bell and everything.

You know your father
doesn't like electricity.

But Mother,
everything's going to be electricity.

Not in this house.
Oh God!

What's the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

Where's my necktie?
Which necktie?

The one I gave you yesterday.

It isn't pressed yet.
I forgot to give it to Margaret.

I told you distinctly I wanted
to wear that necktie today.

You've got plenty of neckties.

Put on another one right away
and come down to breakfast.

I don't know what this world's coming to.

Mother, may I have my breakfast early.
I'm going to play baseball.

Three!

Whitney, before you leave the house
you have to study your catechism.

But Mother,
they're going to let me pitch today.

Good morning. Who won?
Giants, 7 to 3.

Buck Ewing hit a home run!
Let me see!

Boys, don't wrinkle the paper
before your father sees it.

Mother, could you ask me my catechism now?
I think I know it.

Well, let's see.
What is your name?

Whitney Benjamin.
Who gave you your...

Here I come...weeeeeee.
Come and help me down, Mother.

We have steps to come down on.
Good morning, darling.

Good morning, Mother.
How's your finger?

It itches.
Good. That's a sign it's getting better.

Come along.
Four!

Oh let's see. What was I doing?
Oh yes, the Catechism.

Who gave you your name?
My sponsors at baptism

wherein I was made a member of Christ,
the child of God,

and an inheritor of the kingdom of heaven.

Mother, if I hadn't been baptized,
wouldn't I have any name?

Not in the sight of the church.

What did your sponsors then for you?

They did promise and vow
three thing in my name.

First, that I should renouce the devil and...
[continues speaking in background]

And thirdly, that I should keep God's holy will

and commandments and walk in the same

all the days of my...
Morning, boys.

Morning.
Good morning, Father.

Morning, Vinnie.
Have a good night?

Yes, thank you, Clare.
Good. Get down, boys.

What's that thing doing in here?

Clare, that's our new rubber plant.

Place for rubber plants is on the equator.

Uh, take that object out, Katherine.

You're not Katherine.
No, sir.

Good. Never liked Katherine anyway.

Put it somewhere else, Annie,
but not too near a window.

Sit down, Harlan.
Thank you, dear.

Where did that dog come from?
She'll leave. I'll talk to her.

What did you say?
Clare, that new suit looks very nice.

A triffle tight.
You've put on a little weight, dear.

I weigh just the same as I always have.

Well, Clarence has just managed
to ruin the only decent suit he has.

I'm sorry but I'm afraid he'll need
a new suit of clothes.

Vinnie, Clarence has to learn
not to be so hard on his clothes.

But Father, I thought...
You'll be starting at Yale in the fall.

You'll be completely outfitted.
But nothing this summer.

Can I have one of your old suits cut down for me?

Every suit I own still has plenty of wear in it.

I wear my clothes until they're worn out.

Well, if you want your clothes worn out, Clarence
can wear them out much faster than you can.

Yes, and Father,
you never get a chance to wear yours out.

Every time you get a new batch of clothes,
Mother sends the old ones to the missionary barrel.

I guess I'm just as good
as any old missionary.

Clarence, before you compare yourself to
a missionary, remember the sacrifices they make.

Oh I don't know, Vinnie.

I think my clothes would look better on Clarence
than on some Hottentot.

Have that dark suit of mine cut down to fit you.

Well thank you, Father.
One of Father's suits.

Thank you, sir.

In return for that, Clarence,
I want you to practice more often on your violin.

Whitney, don't eat so fast.

Well Father,
I'm going to pitch today.

But before I go,
I have to study my catechism.

What do you bother with that for?

Because if he doesn't know his catechism,
he can't be confirmed.

But Vinnie, Whitney's going to pitch today.

He can be confirmed any old time.

Clare, sometimes it seems to me you don't care
whether your children get to heaven or not.

Oh, Whitney will get to heaven alright.

I'll be there before you are, Whitney.
I'll see that you get in.

And Whitney,
when we get to heaven,

we'll organize a baseball team of our own.
Good.

It would be just like you to try
and run things up there.

Well, from all I've heard about heaven,
it seems to be a pretty unbusiness-like place.

They could probably use
good man like me.

What makes you so sure
they'll let you in to heaven?

Well if they don't,
I'll certainly raise a devil of a row!

Clare, I do hope you'll behave
when you get to heaven.

Now Vinnie, what...

Vinnie, how many times have I asked you

not to engage a maid
who doesn't know how to serve properly?

Clare, can't you see she's new
and doing her best?

How can I serve myself when
she's holding that platter over my head?

Hold it lower, Annie.
Yes, ma'am.

What became of the one we had yesterday?

I don't know why you can't keep a maid.

Oh you don't!

Why on earth can't you run your house
the way I run my office?

All I want is service.

[Annie weeping]
What the devil is that noise?

It's Annie.
Annie? Who's Annie?

The maid.
I'll take it, Annie.

Clare, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

What have I done now?

You made her cry,
speaking to her the way you did.

I never said a word to her.
I was addressing myself to you.

I do wish you'd be more careful!

It's hard enough to keep a maid
and the uniform just fit this one.

[stomping foot]
What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

[dog barks]
What in the name of...

Well!
Where did you come from?

Who do you belong to?

She's mine, Father.
Her name is Princess.

Hmmm,
looks more like a Prince to me.

What's wrong, sir?
Margaret, this bacon's good!

Ohh...
Well it's good! Yes sir.

Harlan, how's that finger?
Come here and let me see it.

Yes, Father.

Ah, that's healing nicely.

I guess you'll know the next time
that cats don't like to be hugged.

It's alright to stroke them
but don't squeeze them.

Now go back and finish your oatmeal.
I don't like oatmeal.

Go on and finish it.
it's good for you.

But I don't like it!

I'll tell you what you like
and what you don't like.

You're not old enough
to know about such things.

You've no business not liking oatmeal.
It's good.

I hate it!
That's enough! We won't discuss it!

Eat that oatmeal at once!

Aghhh...
[stomping floor]

John, that letter's for your mother.

I finished my oatmeal, Father.
May I be excused?

Yes Whitney, you may go.
Pitch a good game.

I will.
Whitney!

Yes Mother, my catechism.

Never mind this morning, darling.
Run along.

Thank you, Mother!

What's wrong, sir?
Margaret, what is this?

Coffee, sir.
It is not coffee.

You couldn't possibly take water and coffee beans
and arrive at that!

It's slops! That's what it is!
Slops! Take it away.

I come down to this table every morning hungry...

Well if you're hungry, Clare,
why aren't you eating your breakfast?

I am.

Aunt Judith wants me to come up and vist her.

Now Vinnie,
I want no more relatives in this house.

We are going to live here by ourselves
in peace and comfort.

Clare, I was saying,
Aunt Judith wants me to visit her.

Oh.
Eat your oatmeal, dear.

But what on earth is this?
Dear friend Day,

We are assigning you the exclusive rights
to Staten Island for selling

the Gem Home Popover Popcorn.
I think that's for me, Father.

But then why isn't it addressed
to Clarence Day Jr?

Oh, it is.

I wouldn't get mixed up in popcorn,
Clarence. It's too indigestible.

Confound it!
Another wreck on the New Haven...

If you please, ma'am.
There's a dollar due on a package.

It's from Lewis and Congers.
Oh yes, those kitchen knives I ordered.

Ah, make a memorandum of that, Vinnie.
One dollar...

and whatever it was for.
Of course, Clare.

I must have a record of what is spent
running this house.

I've never understood what good a record is
after the money's gone!

There's just a dollar, Margaret.

Vinnie, this house must be run
on a business basis. Of course, dear.

That's what the household accounts are for.

Oh Clare, it's half past eight.
You don't want to be late at the office.

Plenty of time.
Annie, clear the table now.

Clarence. John.
Yes, Mother?

You boys go up and move the small bureau
from my room into yours.

Who's coming?
Cousin Cora.

And she's bringing a friend with her,
a young girl.

A girl!

You would have to help entertain her,
Clarence.

Oh Mother, do I have to?

Wait till Father finds out we've got visitors!
There'll be a rumpus!

John, don't criticise your father.

He's very hospitable...
after he gets used to the idea.

I like coffee.
I like tea.

I like the girls
and the girls like me.

Well, I don't like girls
and they don't like me.

Oh God!
Go on, boys. Go on.

What's the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

How did that get in this room?

Now, Clare.
How was the new maid to know?

Keep that abomination out of here.
All right, I'll take it.

Oh Clare dear, I'm afraid
I'm going to need some more money.

You were complaining about
the coffee this morning.

Well, that nice French drip
coffee pot is broken.

You know how it got broken.

Never mind that, Vinnie.

As I remember that coffee pot cost $5
and... something.

I'll give you $6.

When you get it, Vinnie,
enter the exact amount in the ledger.

Of course, Clare.
We can't go on month after month

having the household accounts
in such a mess.

No, and I thought of a system
that will make my bookkeeping perfect!

Well, I'm certainly relieved to hear that!

All we have to do is open
charge accounts everywhere!

And the stores will do my
bookkeeping for me!

Now wait a minute, Vinne...

Then when the bills come in
you'd know exactly where your money had gone!

Yes! I certainly would!

Vinnie, we get enough bills as it is!

Clare dear, don't you hate those
arguments we have every month?

I certainly do.

Not to have those I should think
would be worth something to you.

Well, I'll open an account
at Lewis and Congers

and one at McCreery's
to start with.

Thank you, Clare.

We'll see how it works out.
Thank you.

Oh, the rector is coming to tea today.

The rector.
Well, I'm glad you warned me.

I'll go to the club. Don't expect me
home until dinner time.

Clare dear, I do wish you'd take
a little more interest in the church.

Getting me into heaven
is your business, Vinnie.

If there's anything wrong with my ticket
when I get there,

you can fix it up.

Everybody loves you so much,
I'm sure God must too.

I'll do my best, Clare.

It wouldn't be heaven without you.

If you're there, Vinnie,
I'll manage to get in some way,

even if I have to climb the fence.

♪ Sweet Marie, come to me,
Come to me, sweet Marie ♪

Margaret. Margaret.
Oh God!

What's the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

Why did God make so many
dumb fools and Democrats?

Uhh, politics...

Yes, but it's taking the bread
out of our mouths!

Honest Hugh Grant!
Honest, bahh!

Fine mayor you've turned out to be!

If you can't run this city without
raising taxes every five minutes,

you'd better get out!

Let someone who can!

Richard Cook is running in this town
and you're just his cat's paw!

Tell me this...

Are these increased taxes
going into public improvements?

Or are they going into graft?

Answer me that honestly,
if you can, Mr. Honest Hugh Grant!

You can't?
I thought so! Baah!

You were elected to office on the promise
that you would put an end

to all this thievery and corruption!

Have you put an end to it?
No!

You've encouraged it!

Every day there's some
new raid on the public treasury!

[multiple conversations]
...we're going to throw you

and your boodle Board
of Aldermen out of office!

I'm warning you for the last time!

Robbery! That's what it is!
Highway robbery!

Annie, take this fresh a cup
of coffee in to Mr. Day.

But Mr. Day's got a visitor.
Run along in there.

We pay you a good round sum
to watch after our interests.

And all we get is inefficiency!

I know you're a nincompoop and I
strongly suspect you of being a scalawag!

You're not going to escape
your legal responsibilities!

Legal responsibilities?
By God, I mean criminal responsibilities!

Don't think for one minute
we're going to let you escape!

We're going to throw you into jail!
[dishes breaking]

Annie, are you hurt?
He can't throw me into jail!

Vinnie? Vinnie, why can't
I have quiet here in the morning?

Clare, what happened?

Sounded to me as tho that maid
dropped a whole tray of dishes!

Yes, but what did you say to her?

Say to her?
I haven't seen her since breakfast!

I better get to the office.
Oh yes Clare, you don't want to be late.

I'll be home in plenty of time for dinner.

Why don't we have
chicken fricassee tonight?

Well, Clare, chicken's gone up!
It's 8 cents a pound!

[Annie crying]

Where the devil is she going
dressed up like that?

Clare, you've done it again!
How could you?

How could I what?
Can't you see she's leaving?

Oh dear.
I have no time to engage a new maid.

We'll have to have dinner out.
Dinner out!

Nonsense!
I'll engage a new maid myself.

Clare, you can't!
She has to fit the uniform.

I have one here in an hour!

Goodbye, dear.
Goodbye, Clare.

Good morning, Mr. Day.
On your way to the office?

Yes, Sergeant. Good morning.
Mrs. Day.

Good morning, Mr. Day.
Morning, Jim.

Giddap!

Cora, it's wonderful to see you.

Well Vinnie, I declare,
you're getting younger and pretier every year!

This is Mary Skinner.
Ed Skinner's daughter!

My goodness I never
would have known you!

Just leave your things out here
and come right on in.

I heard my father talk so much about you.
Ah ha ha.

Did he tell you how he used to dip
my pigtails in the ink well at school?

What's the news in Pleasantville, Cora?
Oh Vinnie, I have so much to tell you.

We wrote you that Aunt Carrie broke her hip.
Yes.

That was the night Robert Ingersoll lectured.

Of course she couldn't get there, but
was a good thing for Mr. Ingersol she didn't!

How do you do, Cousin Cora?
Oh, Clarence, my my...

Oh no, Cora, this is John.
John? Why how you've grown!

You'll be a man before your mother...

John, this is Mary Skinner.
How do you do?

How do you do?

Vinnie, everybody in Pleasantville
sends their love.

Grandpa Evans, Cousin Edith,
Aunt Hattie. the Taylors.

Oh, just everybody.
Cora, how is Grandpa Evans?

Oh, he hasn't been at all well.

You know he only has one kidney
and that's bloated.

How do you do, Cousin Cora?
I'm glad to see you.

This can't be Clarence!
Yes it is!

My my!
My goodness!

Every time I see you boys,
you've grown another foot!

Let's see, you're going to St. Paul's now,
aren't you?

St. Paul's? I was through with
St. Paul's long ago.

I'm starting in Yale this fall.

Yale!
Oh, oh Mary, this is Clarence.

Mary Skinner.
How do you do?

Oh, this is Mary's first trip to New York.
Yes it is.

It's her first trip.
We'll have to show Mary around!

Oh I tell you, I'll ask Mr. Day to take us all
to Delmonico's for dinner tonight.

Delmonico's!
Think of that, Mary.

Delmonico's,
And Cousin Clare's such a wonderful host.

Well. I know you girls want to freshen up,
so come upstairs.

Clarence, get their bags.

I've given you girls Clarence's room,
but he didn't know about it.

[chattering]

John, get their old bags.
[chattering]

Oh, you play the violin.
Well, I... I fool with it a little.

You're just being modest.

No, really I...
I play the piano.

Not awfully well.
Now you're being modest.

Do you ever play duets?
Well, I haven't up now.

Neither have I, up to now.

Cora didn't tell me about you.
I never met a Yale man before.

[giggling...]

What's happened to you?
Nothing. I feel fine.

Where do you keep them?

Do you wish domestic servants?
Where do you keep them?

I will take your name and address.

Confound it!
I'm late at the office now!

If you will give me the details as to
what kind of person you require...

I'm asking you where you keep them?

Why the girls are in there,
but clients are not allowed in that room.

If you will tell me the kind of a position
you wish to have held,

I'll be very glad to...

Stand up...

Sir, this is quite
against the rules!

I must know
what you want the girl for!

I'll take that one.

What's your name?
Hilda, sir.

Hilda, you go right over to
420 Madison Avenue.

I will, sir.
That's all. Thank you.

Sir, before I can let any girl go
from this establishment,

I must know the character of the home
in which he will be employed.

Madam, I am the character of my home.

My duty toward my neighbor is to love him
as myself and to do unto all men as...as...

...as they should do unto me...
...as they should do unto me, to...to...

He really knows it.

Well, he's done very well
for so young a boy.

May I go now?
Yes, darling.

Thank you, Dr. Lloyd.

Come on, Harlan.
Wait for me.

Ah, you and Mr. Day must be
very proud of your children.

I was hoping I'd find
Mr. Day at home this afternoon.

Well, he's usually home from the office
by this time.

Perhaps he's gone for
gallop in the park.

It's such a fine day.

He's very fond of horseback riding,
I believe.

Oh yes.
Tell me,

has he ever been thrown from a horse?

Oh no, no horse would throw Mr. Day!

I just thought he might have had some accident.
I notice he never kneels in church.

Oh, that's no accident.

But I don't want you to think he doesn't pray.
He does.

Why, sometimes you can hear him
all over the house!

But he never kneels.

Ah, perhaps that's Mr. Day now.
I hardly think so.

Ah, the devil!
I forgot!

Clare, you're just in time for tea.
I'll send for some hot water.

How are you, Dr. Lloyd?

Just a brief second to have
a visit with you, Mr. Day.

Mother, are they back yet?
No, Clarence, no.

Except for a brief glimpse on the sabbath,
I don't see much of you.

Well, Clare, have a busy day at the office?
Devilishly busy!

Clare!
Ah...very busy day. Tired out.

How a man can get tired just sitting
at a desk all day, I don't know!

I suppose Wall Street is just as much
a mystery to you as it is to me, Dr. Lloyd.

No, no. It's all very clear to me.

My mind often goes to the businessman.

The picture I'm most fond on is when

I envision him at the close of the day's work.

I see him pausing in his toil

and it comes over him that all those

figures of profit and loss are without
importance or consequence.

Vanity and dust.

Well, I'll be...
Clare!

Yes ma'am?
Delia, some more hot water, please.

Yes ma'am.
Who's that?

The new maid.
Where's the one I sent this morning?

The uniform didn't fit.

I like the one I picked out better.

Clare, Dr. Lloyd wants to tell us about
the plans for the new edifice.

The new what?
The new church.

You knew we were planning
to build a new church.

Of course, we're going to have to raise
a large sum money.

Well, personally I am against the church
hop skipping and jumping all over the town.

So any contribution I make
will have to be a small one.

The amount everyone is to subscribe
has already been decided.

Who decided it?

After considerable thought,
we voted that our supporting members

should each contribute a sum
equal to the cost of their pew.

I paid $5,000 for my pew!

Yes, Clare.
That makes our contribution $5000.

That's robbery!

Do you know what that pew is worth today?
$3000!

That's what the last one sold for.

I've taken a dead loss of $2000
on that pew already!

Frank Bags sold me that pew
when the market was at its peak!

He knew when to get out!

And I'm warning you, Vinnie,

if the market ever goes up,
I'm going to unload that pew!

Clarence Day!
How can you speak of the temple of the Lord

as though it was something to be
bought and sold on Wall Street?

Now Mrs. Day, your husband
is a practical man.

We've had to be practical
about the new church.

We have all the facts and figures.

Oh, what's the property worth
where we are now?

Oh, let's see. Is it $40,000?
I know the figure has a 4 in it.

What's the new piece of property
going to cost you?

I think the figure I heard mentioned
was $85,000.

Or was it $185,000?

Dr. Lloyd, you preach that someday
we'll all have to answer to God.

We shall indeed!

Well, I hope God doesn't ask you
any questions with figures in them!

Mr. Day is in the living room.
Thank you.

It's Cousin Cora.
She's passing through town.

Oh, well...

Oh, hello. Hello. Hello.
Thank you for helping me. Come, Mary.

Oh Vinnie, what a day!
We've been in every shop in town!

Why, Cousin Clare.
Cora.

My my!
You're as welcome as the flowers in May.

This is Mary Skinner.
Mr. Day.

How do you do?
I've been telling Mary all about you.

She's been dying to meet you.
Well...

Dr. Lloyd, I want you to meet
my favorite cousin, Miss Cartwright.

How do you do?

And this is Mary Skinner.
Miss Skinner, Dr. Lloyd.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Well, this seems to be a family reunion.
I'll just run along.

Goodbye, Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, Miss Cartwright.
Goodbye.

Clarence, you haven't said
'how do you do' to Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, everybody.
I'll go to the door with you, Dr. Lloyd.

Thank you so much for the tea.
Those muffins were delicious.

Who did you say this pretty little girl is?

She's Ed Skinner's daughter.
This is Mary's first trip to New York.

Oh sit down. Sit down.

Have some tea.
We had tea downtown.

Oh, never mind then, ah...Delia.
Sit down, sit down.

Even if you have had tea,
you can stay and visit for a while.

As a matter of fact,
why don't you both stay to dinner.

That's all arranged, Clare.

Cora and Mary are going
to have dinner with us.

Oh fine, fine.

Of course, you'll just have to take potluck.
Well, I'd hardly call...

Clare! Did you know the girls
are going to visit Aunt Judith

in Springfield for a whole month!
Fine.

Now, how long you are you going
to be in New York, Cora?

All week!
Splendid!

We'll hope to see something of you.
Well, you certainly will...

Cora, did you find anything
you wanted in the shop?

Oh, I can't wait to show you.
Oh, but I'm afraid

some of these packages can't be opened
in front of Cousin Clare!

Shall I leave the room?

[laughing]

Oh, Clarence. Would you take the
packages in the hall up to our room?

Or should I say, your room!

Wasn't it nice of Clarence to give up
his room to us for a whole week!

Cora, come on I just can't wait
to see what's in those packages.

Well, we'll be back soon.

Ah, Vinnie, I wish to speak to you
before you go upstairs.

I'll be down in just a minute, Clare.

I wish to speak to you now!

I'll be up in just a minute, Cora.

It's all right, Vinnie.
Come along, Mary.

Are those two women encamped in our house?
Now, Clare...

Answer me!
Now Clare, you know...

Answer me!
Just a minute... Clarence!

Now Clare, you know you've
always been fond of Cora.

What's that got to do with her packing
herself down in my house

and bringing hordes of strangers with her.

How can you call that sweet
little girl a horde of strangers?

Why don't they go to a hotel?
New York is full of hotels

built for the express purpose
of housing such nuisances.

Clare two girls alone in a hotel!

Well who knows what might happen to them!

All right, then put them on the first train.

They want to roam like gypsies,
lend them a hand!

Keep them roaming!

But Clare, they're just staying
in that little room of Clarence's.

The trouble is,
they don't stay there!

They stay in the bathroom.
Every time I want to take my bath,

it's full of gigling females
washing their hair!

I tell you, I won't have it!
Send them to a hotel!

I'll pay the bill gladly,
but get them out of here!

Father, I'm afraid
they can hear you upstairs!

Then keep those doors closed!

Clarence, you open those doors!
Open them all the way!

Now Clare,
you be quiet and behave yourself.

They're here,
and they're going to stay here.

That's enough, Vinnie.

I want no more
of this argument.

Oh God!

What I don't understand is
why this swarm of locusts

always descends on us
without any warning!

Oh thunder!

Vinnie...
Dear Vinnie.

[♪ playing piano and humming... ♪]

♪ And the flickering shadows ♪
♪ softly come and go ♪

♪ Tho my heart be weary ♪
[ ♪ humming... ♪ ]

Father, may I go along with
the rest of you to Delmonico's?

What's that?
Delmonico's?

You're taking Mother, Cousin Cora
and Miss Skinner

to Delmonico's for dinner tonight.

Oh God!
[slams piano keys]

I won't have it!
I won't have it!

I will not have my life
arranged for me!

I bought this house
for my own comfort!

I will not submit myself
to this indignity!

Now Clare, what's the matter?
I won't stand it!

By heaven, I won't stand it!
Clarence...

Do I understand I am not permitted
to have dinner in my own home?

Oh Clare,
a little change will do you good!

I have home
to have dinner in.

And any time I can't
have dinner at home,

this house is for sale.

Well Clare, you can't have
dinner here tonight

because it isn't ordered.

And besides, Cora and Mary want
to see something of New York.

Well, that's no affair of mine!

I am not a guide
to Chinatown and the Bowery.

Oh Mr. Day,
I just love your house!

I could live here forever!

Cora is for you, Mrs. Day.
Oh yes. I'll run right up.

I'm glad you like our house,
Miss Skinner.

I like it very much,
Mr. Day.

Praise from a stranger
is approbation indeed.

At home, our living room is green.
I like green.

I like green too.
Red's my favorite color.

It's an interesting thing
about colors.

Reds a nice color in a house too.

But outside too much red
would be bad.

I mean, for instance, if all
the trees and the grass were red.

Outside, green's the best color.

That's right. I never thought
of it that way.

But when you do think of it,
it's quite a thought.

I bet you'll make your mark at Yale.
Oh...

My mother wants me to go to college.

Do you believe in girls going to college?

I guess it's all right,
if they want to waste that much time,

before they get married,
I mean.

I'm glad your fond of music,
Mr. Day.

Oh hello!
Look! A new Youth's Companion!

John enjoys the Youth's Companion.

John!
Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

It tells all about connecting
batteries in series.

John!
Miss Skinner and I were talking.

Oh, that's all right.
You won't bother me.

Jiminee!
There's where I made my mistake!

I didn't mix enough...
SSSHHH! [piano playing]

Oh, don't stop.
Can you play that?

I'm afraid not.

Can you play sweet Genevieve?
That's my favorite.

Not without my music.

Hymns are nice,
don't you think?

I like this one.

[plays hymn ♪ ]
[playing fades and stops]

That's funny.

The words are the same,
but it's the wrong tune.

Oh, it can't be
the wrong tune.

We sing it exactly that way
in church.

We don't sing it that way
the Methodist Church.

You see,
we're Methodists.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, I don't mean it's too bad
that you're a Methodist.

Anybody's got a right to be
anything they want.

But what I mean is,
we're Episcopalians.

Yes, I know.

Anyway, the words are the same.
Shall we begin?

Now.

[both begin playing ♪ ]
[violin off key...]

Oh dear.
What's wrong?

Shall we try again?

[both begin playing ♪ ]
[violin off key...]

It must be my fault.
Oh no, it's my fault.

No, you're the Episcopalian.

I just remembered something!
My father was an Episcopalian!

He was baptized an Episcopalian!

He was an Episcopalian right up
to the time he married my mother.

She was the Methodist.
Oh...

Oh, well let's try it again then!

[begin playing again ♪ ]

Well Clarence,

if you're going to Delmonico's with us,
you'd better get dressed.

Am I going too?
Jiminee!

Thank you, Father.
Be ready in just a minute, Mother.

Vinnie, that young lady looks
about the same age you were

when I came out to Pleasantville
to rescue you.

Rescue me?
Ummm.

You came out there
to talk me into marrying you.

Well, It worked out
just the same.

[conversing in French]

French.
Oui.

There's no cooking like the French.

Clare, it was so nice of you to invite
Cora and Mary here their first night.

Well, it's been a pleasure.

Mr. Day, have you always
been an Episcopalian?

I've always gone to
Episcopal Church, yes.

But you weren't baptized a Methodist
or anything, were you?

You were baptized an Episcopalian?

Come to think of it,

I don't believe I was
ever baptized at all.

Clare, that's not very funny,
joking about a subject like that.

I'm not joking.
I remember now.

I never was baptized.

Clare, that's ridiculous.
Everybody's baptized.

Well, I'm not.

No one would keep a little
baby from being baptized.

Well, you know Father and Mother,
free thinkers, both of them.

They thought the children should
decide those things for themselves.

But Clare...

I remember when I was
ten or twelve years old,

Mother said I ought to
give some thought to it,

but I never got around
to having it done to me.

Clare! Do you know
what you're saying?

Yes, I'm saying I've
never been baptized.

Then something's got to be
done about it, right away.

Now Vinnie, don't get
excited over nothing.

Why haven't you
ever told me?

Well what difference
does it make?

I've never heard of anyone
who wasn't baptized,

even the savages
in darkest Africa!

Well, it's alright for
savages and children.

But if an oversight was
made in my case,

it's too late
to correct it now!

[sudden clap of thunder]

Well, if you're not baptized,
you're not a Christian!

Why, confound it!
Of course I'm a Christian!

A mighty good Christian too!

A lot better Christian than
those psalm-singers in church.

But you can't be
if you won't be baptized!

I won't be baptized
and I will be a Christian.

I'll be a Christian
in my own way!

[sudden clap of thunder]

Clare, don't you want to
meet us all in heaven?

Of course,
and I'm going to!

But you can't go to heaven
if you're not baptized!

Oh, that's a lot of falderol!

Clarence Day!
Don't you blaspheme like that!

You're coming to church with me
before you go to the office in the morning

and be baptized then and there!

Vinnie, don't be ridiculous!

If you think I'm going to
stand there and let Dr. Lloyd

splash water on me at my age,
you are mistaken!

Now I'm sleepy.
Good night, Vinnie.

[sudden clap of thunder]

Mother, what is falderol?
Get back to sleep.

Mother?
Yes, Whitney?

If Father hasn't been baptized,
he hasn't any name!

In the sight of the church,
he hasn't any name.

That's right!

Maybe we're not even married!

Oohhhh!

We, thine unworthy servants,
do give thee most

humble and hearty thanks
for all thy goodness

and loving kindness to us
and to all men.

We bless thee
for our creation,

preservation, and all the

blessings of this life.
But above all,

for thine inestimable love
in the redemption

of the world by our
Lord, Jesus Christ,

for the means of grace,
for the hope of glory,

and we beseech thee,
give us that new sense

of all thy mercies,
that our hearts may be...

[long prayer contines...]
Harlan, tell Clarence to kneel.

Whitney, tell Clarence to kneel.

John, tell Clarence to kneel.

Mother says, kneel.

I can't.

He says he can't.

He says he can't.

He says he can't.

[long prayer finally ends]
Amen.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ

and the love of God and the Fellowship of

the Holy Ghost be with us all evermore.
Amen.

And so, my friends, what comfort
and security it gives us

when we have reached
the age of understanding

to know that the rite of baptism

has not been neglected
in our infancy or youth.

Can you imagine any man

who has reached maturity
with the knowledge

that he had never been baptized

failing to hasten
to the holy font

that his soul might be saved?

As it says in the baptismal office,

"Except a man be born of water
and of the spirit,

he cannot enter into
the kingdom of God."

"He that believeth
and is baptized

shall be saved,
but he that believeth not

shall be damned."

What's that fellow up to?
He can't be...

Which also shows us
the great benefit we reap...

[loud sermon continues...]
Tell Father, Shhh!

Tell Father, Shhh!

Tell Father, Shhh!

Tell Father, Shhh!

Mother says, Shhh!
[loud sermon continues...]

"For the promise is to you
and to your children.

Doubt ye not therefore,

but earnestly believe."

In the name of the Father
and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost.
Amen.

This is William Tyler Wickersham.

And this is
Wilhemina Eugenia Wickersham.

What a lovely day for
them to be baptized.

The happiest day in my life.

Lovely sermon.
Thank you, Mrs. Day.

Clare, you know I didn't
ask Dr. Lloyd to do that.

You must have said something.

Well, I had to find out from him
if we were really married.

I am married and
I'm not baptized.

And as far as I'm concerned,

the whole congregation
can know it.

They certainly know it now.
That suits me.

I don't go to church
to be preached at

as though I were
some lost sheep.

Clare, you don't seem to understand
what the church is for.

Vinnie, if there's one place
the church should leave alone,

it's a man's soul!

Well, he's going to be baptized,
Cora, you mark my word!

I just couldn't go to heaven
without Clare.

Why, I get lonesome for him
even when I go to Ohio!

It's awfully hard on a woman
to love a man like Clare so much.

Oh, men are so aggravating.

They take everything for granted.
They certainly do!

You know, I don't believe
Clare's come right out

and told me he loves me
since we've been married.

Of course, I know he does because
I keep reminding him of it.

You have to keep
reminding them, Cora.

Vinnie,
the table isn't set for dinner yet.

I'll be back in a minute, Cora.

We're having it after Cora and Mary
go to the train.

Their cab is coming at 1:00.

Cab? The horse cars go
right past the door.

But Clare,
they have those heavy bags.

Cabs are a waste of money.

Well, if dinner is going to be delayed,
I'll work on this month's bills.

Where are they?
Now Clare, it isn't fair

to go over the household accounts
when you're hungry.

Vinnie, where are those bills?

They're in the library
on your desk.

I didn't know dinner
was going to be late.

Nobody ever tells me anything
in this house.

Back home I ride all the time.
I love horses.

The horse is my favorite animal.

Oh my goodness.
Where have you two been?

Clarence wanted to show me his
his grandfather's house.

You will have to hurry
and finish your packing.

It won't take me long.

Can I help you pack?
Clarence!

Clarence, why didn't you
kneel in church today?

I...
I just couldn't.

If it's because your father doesn't kneel,
you must remember

he wasn't brought up to kneel in church.
But you were.

Has it anything to do with Mary?
I know she's a Methodist.

Oh no, Mother. Methodists kneel.
Mary told me.

They don't get up-and-down so much,
but they stay down longer.

Clarence, you want to kneel,
don't you?

Oh yes!
I wanted to kneel today.

I tried! You saw me try!
But... I just couldn't.

Is that suit of your father's too tight for you?
No, it's not too tight.

What is it?
Mother, very peculiar things

have happened to me since
I started to wear this suit.

I can't seem to make these clothes
do anything Father wouldn't do!

That's nonsense, Clarence.

And not to kneel
in church is a sacrilege.

Making Father's trousers kneel
seemed more of a sacrilege.

Clarence!
Do you know what happened

at Dura Wakefield's party
for Mary last night?

We were playing musical chairs

and some girl sat down suddenly
right in my lap.

Well I jumped up so fast
she almost got hurt!

She was sitting
on Father's trousers!

Well Mother, I've got to have
a suit of my own!

My soul and body! Well you'll just
have to talk to your father about it.

I'm sure if you approach him the right way,
you know, tactfully, he'll see.

Oh excuse me.
Gracious! It didn't take you very long.

Well I'll see about your box
lunch for the train.

Remember, it's Sunday.

I... I was hoping we could have a few
minutes together before you left.

Cora had so much to do,
I wanted to get out of her way.

Well, didn't you want to see me?

I did want to tell you how much
I've enjoyed our... friendship.

Oh hello. Mother told us to sit in
the living room till dinner's ready.

Not on the best sofa! Hello.
Hello.

Have you ever been out on our porch?
Oh yes.

Well let me show it to you!

It's awfully hard to grow up
in a family with children.

My, I've never known a week
to pass so quickly.

Why I...
Yes?

Why I...
Yes?

You're going to write me when you
when you get to Springfield, aren't you?

Of course,
if you write me first.

But you'll have something to write about,

your trip and aunt Judith
and how things are in Springfield.

You write me as soon as you get there.

Maybe I'll be too busy.
Maybe I won't have time.

Well, you find the time!
Let's not have any nonsense about that!

You'll write me first, and you'll
do it right away, the first day.

How do you know I'll take
orders from you?

Well I'll show you!
Give me your hand!

Why should I?
Give me your hand, confound it!

Why do you want...
my hand?

I just wanted it.
[sighs]

What are you thinking about?
I was just thinking.

About what?

I was hoping you'd write me first
because that would mean you liked me.

What's my writing first got to do
with liking you?

You do like me then?
Of course I do.

I like you better than
any girl I ever met!

But you don't like me
well enough to write first?

Well I don't see how one thing's
got anything to do with the other!

But a girl can't write first because...
because she's a girl!

Well that's nonsense!

if a girl has something to write about
and a fellow hasn't,

there's no reason why she
shouldn't write first.

You know, the first three days I was here,
you'd do anything for me!

And then you changed!
You used to be a lot of fun.

Then all of a sudden,
you turned into an old sobersides.

Why... why you even dress
like an old sobersides!

What's the matter?
I just happened to remember something.

What?
Oh, I know.

It's because this is the last time
we'll be together.

Mary! Please!
But Clarence,

we'll see each other in a month
when I come back.

Oh Clarence,
please write me first

because that will show me
how much you like me.

Pleeeeeease?

I'll show you how much I like you...

Get up! Get up!
Ohhhh! Ohhhh!

Oh Mary, don't do that
Please, don't do that!

Now you will think
i'm just a bold and forward girl!

Oh no!
No, it's not that!

Was it because it's Sunday?

No, it'd be the same any day.

Oh! You just didn't want
me sitting on your lap!

Oh, it was nice of you to do it!

It was nice of me?
So you told me to get up!

You just couldnt bear
to have me sit there!

Oh and you needn't
write me first!

You neeedn't write me
any letters at at all!

Because I will tear them up
without opening them!

I never want to see you again!

Oh Mary! Mary, listen to me!
Mary! Please! Oh Mary...

[shreiking}
Ohhhhhh!

Clarence!

Yes Father?

That young lady's crying!
She's in tears.

What's the meaning of this?

I'm sorry, Father.
It's all my fault.

Nonsense!
What's that girl trying to do to you?

No no... she wasn't...
It was... I... I...

Well! Whatever the quarrel
was about, Clarence,

I'm glad
you held your own!

Father, I have to have
a new suit of clothes!

You've got to give me
the money for it!

Young man! Do you realize that
you're addressing your father?

I'm sorry, Father.
I apologize.

But you don't know how
important this is to me.

A new suit of clothes
clothes is so impor...

Oh why should...

Clarence has your need
for a new suit of clothes

anything to do
with that young lady?

Yes Father.

Why, Clarence!

Why, this comes as
quite a shock to me!

What does, Father?

Well, you're being so...
grown-up!

Still, I might have known,

if you are going
to college this fall...

Yes, you're at the age
when you'll be meeting girls.

Clarence, there are things about women
that I think you ought to know.

Sit down.

Yes, I think it's better for you
to hear this from me

than to have to learn it
for yourself.

Clarence, women aren't the angels
that you think they are.

Well now, first let me explain
this to you.

You see, Clarence,
we men have to run this world.

And it's not an easy job.
It takes work and it takes thinking.

A man has to reason things out.

Now you take a woman.
A woman thinks...

No, I'm wrong right there!
A woman doesn't think at all!

She gets stirred up!

And she gets stirred up over
the most confounded things!

Now I love my wife
just as much as any man.

But that doesn't mean that I should
stand for a lot of falderol!

By God, I won't stand for it!
Stand for what, Father?

That's the one thing I shall not
submit myself to!

Clarence, if a man thinks a certain thing
is wrong, he shouldn't do it!

If he thinks it's right,
he should do it!

Now, that has nothing to do with
whether he loves his wife or not!

Who says it has, Father?
They do!

Who, sir?
Women!

They get stirred up and then
they try to get you stirred up too!

But don't you let them do it, Clarence!
Don't you let them do it!

Now, if you can keep reason
and logic in the argument,

well, a man can hold
his own, of course.

But if they can switch you,

pretty soon the argument's about
whether you love them or not!

I swear, I don't know how they do it,

but don't you let them, Clarence.
Don't you let them!

I see what you mean so far, Father.
If you don't watch yourself,

love can make you do a lot of things
you don't want to do.

Exactly!
But if you do watch out

and know just how to handle women...
Then you'll be all right!

All a man has to do is be firm!

You know how sometimes I have
to be firm with your mother.

Yes. But Father,
what can you do when they cry?

Hmmm, well ahh...
that's quite a question.

You just have to make them understand
that what you're doing is for their good.

I see.
Now, Clarence, you know all about women.

But Father...
Yes Clarence?

I thought you were going to tell me about...

About what?
About women!

Clarence, there are some things
gentlemen don't discuss!

I've told you all you need to know.

The thing for you to remember is:
be firm.

Mary, when you get to Springfield,
the very first thing you...

Oh God!

What's the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

Sit down, Vinnie.
Oh Clare, Cora and Mary are

leaving any moment now...
Sit down.

Vinnie, you know
I like to live well,

and I want my family
to live well.

But this house must be
run on a business basis!

I must know how much money
I'm spending and what for!

For instance, if you recall,

a week ago I gave you $6.00
to buy a new coffee pot.

Yes, because you broke the old one!
You threw it right on the floor!

I'm not talking about that.

Now I find here among my...
It was a pity to break that nice coffee pot,

Clare, it was imported from France.

and that little shop
has stopped selling them.

But what has that...
They said the tariff wouldn't let them.

And that's your fault because
you're always voting to raise the tariff.

The tariff protects America
against cheap foreign labor.

Now this bill...

The tariff does nothing
but put up the prices

and that's hard on everybody
especially the farmer.

Vinnie, I wish to heaven you wouldn't
talk about matters

you don't know anything about!
I do too know about them!

Miss Guelig says that every intelligent
woman should have some opinion about...

Who may I ask is Miss Guelig?

She's the current events woman.
I told you about.

And the tickets
are $1 every Tuesday.

Do you mean to tell me that
a pack of idle minded females

pay $1 apiece to hear another female
gavel about the events of the day!?

Listen to me if you want to know
anything about the events of the day!

But do you get so excited, Clare!

And besides, Miss Guelig says
that our president,

whom you're always belittling,
prays to God for guidance.

Vinnie, what happened to that $6.00?
What $6.00?

I gave you $6.00
to buy a new coffee pot.

Now I find that you apparently
got one at Lewis and Congers

and charged it!
Here's their bill.

One coffee pot - $5.00.

So you owe me a dollar!
And you can hand it right over!

I'll do nothing of the kind!

What did you do with that $6.00?

Well Clare, I can't tell you now, dear.

Why didn't you ask me at the time?

I give up!
Wait a minute!

I spent $4.50 for
that new umbrella.

Now we're getting somewhere!
One umbrella - $4.50.

And that must have been in the week
I paid Mrs. Tobin for two extra days washing.

Mrs. Tobin...

Tthat's $2 more.
that makes... that makes up... $6.50.

And that's another 50¢ you owe me!
I don't owe you anything!

What you owe me is an explanation
of where my money is gone!

I do the best I can
to keep down expenses.

You know yourself, Cousin Phoebe
spends twice as much as we do.

Don't talk to me about
your cousin Phoebe!

You talk about your
own relatives enough!

That's not fair, Vinnie.

When I talk about my relatives,
I criticize them!

I can't even speak
of Cousin Phoebe!

You can speak of her
all you want to.

But I won't have Cousin Phoebe
or anyone else

dictating to me
how to run my house!

I didn't say a word
about her dictating.

Clare, you know she isn't that...
You said... You said...

I don't know what you said now!

You never stick to the point!

Now, we're going over this
account book - item by item.

I find here a bill for $38.

I don't know what you expect of me.

I tire myself out chasing up
and down those stairs all day long,

trying to look after your comfort,
to bring up our children...

I do the mending
and the marketing.

Now you want me to be
an expert book keeper too!

Vinnie, I want to
be reasonable. But...

Can't you understand?
I'm doing all this for your own good.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go ahead
just paying the bills

and hoping I've got enough money
in the bank to meet them.

But it's all very discouraging.
I'll try to do better, Clare.

Well, that's all I'm asking.

Well, I'll it make out the checks
and sign them.

But... maybe I haven't any right
to sign those checks

since in the sight of the Lord
I haven't any name!

That's right! Clare,
to make those checks good,

you'll have to be baptized...
right away.

Vinnie, the bank doesn't care whether
I've been baptized or not.

Well, I care!
And no matter what Dr. Lloyd said,

I'm not sure we're really married.

Vinnie, we have four children!

If we're not married now,
we never will be!

Clare, Dr. Lloyd said this morning...
Ahh, that's all, Vinnie.

Uhh, I think you better go tell
Whitney to watch for the cab.

Not before you give me that $1.50.
What $1.50?

That $1.50 you owe me!
I don't owe you any $1.50!

I gave you money to buy
a coffee pot for me,

and somehow it turned into
an umbrella for you!

Why, Clarence Day! What kind
of man are you?

Quibbling about $1.50 when
your immortal soul is in danger!

And what's more...
All right! All right! All right!

Thank you, Clare.

Now the accounts are
all straight again!

What were you doing down there?

I'm setting up this new burglar alarm.
I invented it myself.

Have you got any money
you can lend me?

No, you owe me 30¢ now.

Well, I'll give you
my stamp collection

and my piece of
John Wilkes Booth's finger.

How much?
Enough to get a new suit of clothes.

If you can wait a month till I hear
from the Patent Office in Washington,

I may be rich!
I can't wait that long!

Maybe I could get it sooner.

I'm gonna look into
something else tomorow.

Wanted. An energetic young man
to sell household necessity.

Liberal commission.
Apply 312... John, let me have this job!

Why should I give you my job?
They're hard to get!

I've got to get
a new suit of clothes.

Maybe I could get the job
for both of us.

I'll ask the man.

The cab's here, Father.
Oh, thank you, Whitney.

Vinnie! Corra!
The cab's here!

Uhh, John, go up and get their bags.
Yes sir.

Here's the lunch for the train, sir.

Well, take it out to the cab.

Who's that one?
It's Ellen. Delia left yesterday.

I don't know where your mother finds them.

Now Vinnie, don't you let Clare
worry about us.

We have plenty of time.

Ah, take the bags right on out, John.
Yes sir.

Well goodbye, Clarence.
It was so nice to see you.

Goodbye, Cousin Cora.

Goodbye, Whitney.
Now you be a good boy.

Goodbye, Cousin Cora.
Goodbye, Harlan.

Goodbye. Keep out of mischief.

Come along, everybody.
Don't keep the cab waiting.

Cabs cost money.

If there's one thing Mr. Day can't stand,
it's to keep a cab waiting.

If there's any waiting to do,

there's a waiting room at the
Grand Central Depot just for that.

Mary, aren't you even going
to shake hands with me?

I don't think I'd better.

You may remember, that when I get too
close to you, you feel contaminated.

Mary, you're going to write to me,
aren't you?

Are you going to write first?
No, Mary.

There are times when
a man must be firm.

Mary, Mother says you
better hurry out

before Father starts yelling.
It's Sunday.

Goodbye, John.

I'm very happy to have made
YOUR acquaintance.

Thank you!

May I help you?
No, thank you.

Take care of yourself.

Goodbye, Mr. Day.
Goodbye, Mary.

I've had a wonderful time.
Bye bye.

Goodbye, Cousin Clare.
Goodbye, Cora.

Dear Mary...

My duty toward my neighbor
is to love him as myself

and to do to all men as I
would they should do unto me.

Has Father gone to the office yet?

Come on,
let's go to the ball field.

I've got to guard this box
till John comes back.

It's his burglar alarm.

It wouldn't work,
so he fixed it.

We're going to put it
back in the dining room

after Father goes to the office.
Are there burglars around?

Everywhere!
Oh...

...to love, honor, and succor
my father and my mother.

Why do you have to learn that?

Because if I don't,
I'll go to hell!

Father's going to hell!
He is not!

Yes he is,
because he isn't baptized!

He'll go to hell and burn
for a thousand years!

He won't! He won't!

He'll be in a lake of
fire and brimstone!

And a thousand devils with
pitchforks will be poking at him!

No! No! Mother dont' let...
Father will hear you!

[singing loudly:] ♪ Oh come, all ye faithful,
joyful and triumphant. ♪

Don't smother me!
♪ Oh come, all ye faithful... ♪

What's that noise?
Just singing, Father.

You boys, be quiet! You know
your mother isn't feeling well.

Yes, Father.

What did your mother say?

She says she doesn't
want any breakfast.

Now, why does your mother
do that to me?

She knows that it just upsets my day
when she doesn't come down to breakfast.

A special delivery, sir.
Thank you.

Where's John this morning?

John had his breakfast early, Father,
and went out to see about something.

See about what?

Well, John and I thought we'd
work this summer and earn some money.

Good! Work never hurt anyone.
It's good for them.

But if you're going to work,
work hard.

King Solomon had the right idea
about work.

"Whatever thy hand findeth to do,"
Solomon said, "Do thy doggonedest!"

Hmm, well I don't
understand this at all.

Here's a letter from some woman
I never even heard of!

Oh Father...
Oh God!

What is it, Father?

This woman claims that
she sat on my lap

and that I didn't like it!
Huh!

What's that word?

No, that one down there!

It looks like "curiosity".

Oh... "I only opened your letter
as a matter of curiosity."

Huh!
Yes, go on!

Why, this gets worse and worse!

It just turns into a lot of
sentimental lovey-dovey mush!

Ha! If this is someone's idea
of a practical joke...

What's the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

Nothing wrong.
Just a fool letter.

How are you feeling, Vinnie?
I thought you needed me.

If you don't,
I'll go back to bed.

On, no no no! Come sit down
and get some food in you.

It'll do you good.
Build up your strength.

Here, here.
Sit down. Sit down.

Here uh... What's this one's name?
Nora.

Nora, get Mrs. Day some
bacon and eggs.

No, Nora. Bring me a cup
of tea up to my room.

Yes ma'am.

Oh Vinnie, it's just weak
to give in to an ailment!

I notice when you have a headache,
you yell and groan and swearing enough.

Well, that's to prove to the headache
that I am stronger than it is!

I think I've caught
some kind of germ.

Some of my friends have
had to send for the doctor.

A doctor!?
Oh poppycock!

But Clare dear, when people are ill,
you have to do something!

Certainly you have
to do something!

Cheer them up!
That's the way to cure them.

How would you go about
cheering them up?

I? Well I'd tell them "Bah!"
[Vinnie crying...]

Well, what have I done now?
Oh... Oh Clare, hush up!

Vinnie, I didn't mean
to upset you.

"Dear Clarence..."

I... I was just
trying to help you.

You know,
when you take your bed,

I have a confounded lonely
time around here.

So when I see you getting into your
head that you're not feeling well,

I want to do something about it.

Just because some of your friends
have given into this,

is no reason why you should
imagine you're ill.

Clare, stop! Get out of this
house and go to your office.

Did you get the job?

Yes, for both of us!
Look, I've got with me!

What is it?
Medicine!

Medicine? You took a job for us
to go out and sell medicine?

But it's wonderful medicine.
Look what it cures...

"A sovereign cure for colds,
coughs, catarrh, asthma,

quinsy, and sore throat,
poor digestion, summer complaint,

colic, dyspepsia, heartburn,
and shortness of breath,

lumbago, rheumatism, heart disease,
giddiness, and women's complaints,

nervous prostration, St. Vitus dance,
jaundice, la grippe, proud flesh,

pink eye, sea sickness, and pimples."

It's made from a secret formula
known only to Dr. Bartlett.

We get 25¢ cents commission on
every bottle we sell!

And he's giving us the territory
of all Manhattan Island!

Well, lots of Father's and Mother's
friends have some of those diseases.

Let's start out by
calling on them.

Yes. Oh... What if they ask us
if we use it at our house?

Oh yes, it would be better
if we could say we did.

Excuse me.
Oh, is that the tea for Mrs. Day?

Yes.
Oh, I'll take it up to her.

Thank you.
Right away now, while it's hot.

What's the matter with Mother?

I don't know.
She was just complaining.

Say! It says here it's good
for women's complaints! Here...

Yes sir, Chesapeake and Ohio: an eighth.
New York Central: three quarters.

I'd like to see Mr. Day about those
Morris and Essex deposits.

He's very busy this morning.
You'll have to wait.

Where's Father?

Well, Master Whitney,
have you come to pay us a visit?

Where's Father?
He's busy in his office with a customer.

Master Whitney!

Mr. Day, the president
of the firm is...

Father, you have to
come home right away!

What's the meaning of this?

Who sent you down here?
Your mother?

No sir. Mother's ill.
She's terribly ill.

Did the doctor sent you for me?
No sir. It was Margaret.

Margaret?

Margaret says you're to come home
right away, and no nonsense!

Perkins, go down and stop
the first cab you see.

A cab, sir??
For you, Mr. Day??

Yes, I want a cab
and no nonsense!

I'm sorry, Mr. Hopkins.

Confound you!
Can't you go any faster?

All right, sir.
Gid-up!

Gid-up there!
You hear me! Gid-up!

Oh doctor. How is Mrs. Day?
She's a pretty sick woman.

Well what's wrong with her?

Well, do you know?
Or don't you?

What did Mrs. Day have
for breakfast this morning?

Not a thing! I tried to get her
to eat something, but she wouldn't.

I can't understand it.
Understand what?

These violent attacks of nausea.
It's almost as though she were poisoned.

Poisoned?
Let me take your cab.

I'll try not to be gone more
than 10 to 15 minutes.

And Mr. Day you are not
to go into her room!

You'd better get her well!
Right away! Or you'll hear from me!

Turn west on 27th Street.
Gid-up. Gid-up.

How is Mother?
I don't know?

Well she better be good and sick or Father
may be mad at me for getting him up here.

Especially in a cab.

Has your father come?
Yes, just now!

Where are you going, Margaret?
I have to go for the minister.

I guess the minister's coming to baptize
Father so he won't have to go to hell.

He can't be baptized in a house.
You've got to have water.

We have lots of water!
Not the right kind.

Is Mother better, Father?
How can I tell?

She wouldn't let me
in the room with her.

These confounded doctors never know
what's the matter with anybody!

Father?
Yes?

Mother's going to get well,
isn't she?

Of course she's going to get well.

Father, may we come in?
It's lonesome without Mother.

Yes, it is, Harlan.
It's lonesome. Come in, boys.

What have you been doing, Harlan?
Nothing, they won't let me upstairs.

What about you, Whitney?

I was supposed to learn
the rest of my catechism.

Will you hear me, Father?

Yes Whitney,
I'll hear you.

Start here.

"How many parts are there
in a sacrament?"

Two: the outward visible sign
and the inward spiritual grace.

"What is the outward visible sign
or form in bap... baptism?"

Water, wherein the person is
baptized in the name of...

You haven't been baptized,
have you, Father?

Whitney, what is the
outward visible sign?

Water, wherein the person...
wherein the person...

You don't know it well enough, Whitney.
You'd better go and study it some more.

Do you want me to
read to you, Harlan?

Father, are they going to
put you into hell?

Whitney, take Harlan with you.

What's the world coming to?
Everybody's sending for doctors.

Doctors don't do you any good.
Only make you feel worse.

All poppycock!
[bell rining]

Who's rining that bell?
Stop that noise!

Stop it, I say! What
idiot's ringing that bell?

Mr. Day,
we must all be quiet.

Mrs.Day's been ill.
I know she's ill.

Go up and see if
she needs anything.

What are you doing out of house?
Sent for the minister.

The minister?

He'll be right in.
He's paying off the cab.

I was deeply shocked to learn the
serious nature of Mrs. Day's illness.

Will you take me up to her?

She's resting now.
She can't be disturbed.

The doctor will be
back in a minute.

Mrs. Day has been a tower
of strength in the parish.

Everyone liked her so much.

Yes, she was a fine woman.

I wish to heaven you wouldn't talk
about Mrs. Day as if she were dead!

Is the doctor back yet?
No, does she need him?

Well, she's kind of restless.

She's talking in her sleep
and twisting and turning.

[doorbell]

Well doctor, it seems to me
that was a pretty long 10 minutes!

See here, Mr. Day.
if I'm to handle this case...

How can you handle it
if you're out of the house?

Who is this?
It's Dr. Somers.

How do you do?

I felt that Mrs. Day's condition
warranted my getting Dr. Somers here

as soon as possible for consultation.
I hope that meets with your approval?

Why yes, of course.
Anything that can be done.

Upstairs, doctor.
Pardon me.

Mrs. Day is in good hands
now, Mr. Day.

There's nothing you and I can do
at the moment to help.

Dr. Lloyd?
Yes?

There's something that's
troubling Mrs. Day's mind.

Oh?
I think you know what I refer to.

Yes. You mean the fact that
you've never been baptized.

Yes, I gathered that you knew about it
from your sermon last Sunday.

But let's not get angry.

I think something had
better be done about it.

Yes, Mr. Day?
When the doctors get through up there,

I want you to talk to Mrs. Day.
I want you to tell her something.

Well, I'd be glad to!
You're just the man to do it.

She shouldn't be upset about this.

Now I want you to tell her
that my being baptized

would just be a lot
of confounded nonsense.

But Mr. Day...

Oh, she'll take your word
on a thing like that.

And we both must do everything
we can to help her now.

But the solution is so simple.

It would take only your
consent to be baptized.

That's out of the question!

And I'm surprised that a grown man
like you would suggest such a thing!

Well doctor, how is she?
What have you decided?

Is there a room we could
use for our consultation?

Oh yes, my library.
Doctor...

Dr. Somers,
this isn't serious is it?

After we've had our consultation,
we'll talk to you, Mr. Day.

But surely...
Rest assured,

Dr. Somers will do everything
that is humanly possible.

We'll try not to be long.

Tell me, this Dr. -uh- Somers,
he's very highly thought of, isn't he?

Oh yes.

But if Vinnie is seriously...
If anyone could help her, he could.

Don't you think?
Very fine physician.

But there is a greater help,
ever-present in the hour of need.

Let us turn to him,
in prayer.

Let us kneel and pray.

Let us kneel and pray.

Oh Lord, look down
from heaven.

Behold, visit, and relieve
this thy servant

who is grieved
with sickness.

Have mercy on her,
oh Lord.

Have mercy on
this miserable sinner.

Forgive her, and
extend thy accustomed...

She's not a miserable sinner,
and you know it!

Oh God! You know Vinnie
is not a miserable sinner!

She's a fine woman!

She shouldn't be
made to suffer!

It's got to stop, I tell you!
It's got to stop!

Have mercy, I say!
Have mercy, I tell you!

What's the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

Vinnie! Vinnie, what are you
doing down here?

You shouldn't be out of bed!
You get right back upstairs!

I heard you call.
Do you need me?

Vinnie, I know now
how much I need you.

Get well, Vinnie. I'll be baptized.
I promise. I'll be baptized.

You will?
I'll do anything.

Oh Clare!
We'll go to Europe, just we two.

You won't have to worry about the children
or the household accounts or... Vinnie!

Don't worry, Mr. Day.
She'll be all right now.

Bless you for what you've done!
What did I do?

You promised
to be baptized.

I did?!
Oh God!

Isn't it drafty here, Mother?
Shall I get your coat, Mother?

No thank you.
I'm quite comfortable, thank you.

Come on now. Let's stay together.
Harlan, don't you get lost again.

Aren't the hats lovely this year?

Ostrich feathers!

You wouldn't wear that hat,
would you, Mother?

Well, I think that's very pretty.
I think they're all pretty.

Well, I do need some
pink silk thread.

Oh, isn't this applique beautiful?
Just arrived from Paris, madam.

It's charming.
What are you looking for, Mother?

Oh, I'm just shopping.

I think I just take a plain one.
But this is the very latest.

We've only had them
in a few days.

Remember, Mother,
this is your first day out.

You mustn't get too tired.

No, I'm saving myself, dear.
I have to.

Cousin Cora's coming tomorrow.

She is?
Does Father know about it?

Not yet.
Is Mary coming too?

Yes, dear.
Harlan, don't touch things.

I'll bet you knew it.
No, honest I didn't, not tomorrow.

Aren't the sleeves a little long?
It fits right

across the shoulders.
Now, about the sleeves...

Do we have any more of this material?
Yes, we do. Thank you.

This one is genuine
imitation Dresden,

the original design
by Duriet.

John, isn't this
the darlingest thing?

It's exactly what
I've always wanted.

How much is this
lovely pug dog?

$15, ma'am.
$15! Gee whiz, Mother.

We could buy a real
live bloodhound for $5.

Oh, isn't he perfectly adorable?

Oh, I shouldn't.
I know I shouldn't.

Mrs. Day!
Oh, Mrs. Whitehead.

How nice to see you.
Are you quite recovered?

Almost.
This is my first day out.

We've missed you at the church.
You remember Mr. Morley.

How do you do, Mrs. Day?
How do you do?

Mr. Morley preached the
Sunday Dr. Lloyd was ill.

Oh yes! I can't tell you
how much I enjoyed your sermon.

Even my husband
enjoyed your sermon.

We've just come from the board
meeting of the foreign missions.

I'm taking Mr. Morley
home to lunch.

I had to drop in here to pick up
a purchase. I won't be a minute.

Is your parish in the city?

Yes, it's on the outskirts.
My church is in Audubon Park.

Oh, way up there.

Oh, are you acquainted
in Audubon Park?

No, I don't believe
we know a soul there.

Mr. Morley,
would this be possible?

My husband, Mr. Day...

If we lower the collar,
it'll be a very fine fit.

You won't find a better suit
of clothes in the city for $15.

Oh, it's not the price.
It's the money.

Thank you for holding it for me.
You're welcome.

Goodbye, Mrs. Day.
I hope we meet again soon.

Goodbye. It was very pleasant
meeting you again.

I think it was
divine providence.

I shall be delighted
to be of service.

Goodbye, Mr. Morley.
Goodbye.

May I work it?

Oh no. It's against the rules.
Whee...

Hello.

What did you bring home
more medicine for?

Dr. Bartlett paid us off,
didn't he?

Oh yes.
Oh jiminy, you scared me.

I've got to take $15
right down to McCreery's.

I bought a suit there
this morning and

I said I'd have the
money this afternoon.

Gee, that's too bad.
What's too bad?

Well...
Well, you see, Clarence...

What?
Dr. Bartlett paid us off in medicine.

Oh god!

Well, he thanked us too
for our services to mankind.

But my suit!
I've got to have it tomorrow!

And besides,
they're making the alterations.

I've got to have $15!

Maybe you could offer them
15 bottles of medicine.

Oh, they wouldn't take it.
McCreery's don't sell medicine!

Father!

Vinnie!
I'm home!

Good afternoon, sir.
How's your mother, Clarence?

Oh, the ride this morning
did her a lot of good.

She'll be well enough to go
to church with us next Sunday.

Ah, fine!

Father, have you noticed I haven't
been kneeling down in church lately?

Don't let your mother catch you at it.

Then, I have to have a new
suit of clothes right away.

That doesn't make sense.

I can't do anything in your
clothes that you wouldn't do!

Well, if my old clothes
make you behave yourself,

I don't think you ought
to wear anything else!

Oh no! You're you, and I'm me!
I'm want to be myself!

I mean, suppose I should want to
kneel down in front of a girl.

Why in heaven's name should you
want to do a thing like that?

Well, I've got to propose
to a girl sometime.

Clarence!
Oh, not right away.

But for $15, I can
get a good suit of clothes.

Clarence, you're beginning
to talk as crazy as your mo...

...Hello, Vinnie.
You're feeling better today, huh?

Much better.
Thank you, Clare.

You don't have to hurry home
from the office every day like this.

Uh, with business the way it is,

there's no use going
to the office at all.

Yes, you do look better, Vinnie.
What did you do today?

Well, I got a carriage
and took the boys for a ride.

And we stopped in at McCreery's.

And, oh Clare, I have the
most wonderful news for you.

Who do you think I met?
Mr. Morley.

Morley?
Never heard of him?

Remember, that nice young minister who
substituted for Dr. Lloyd one Sunday.

Oh yes.
Bright young fellow.

Preached a good sensible sermon,
short one too.

Ought to be more
ministers like him.

Well Clare, his parish
is in Audubon Park.

You know,
way up above Harlem.

Nobody knows you up there.
You'll be perfectly safe.

Safe? Vinnie, what the devil
are you talking about?

I've gone all over
everything with Mr. Morley.

And he's agreed
to baptize you.

Oh, he has!

Hehe, the young whippersnapper!
Very nice of him.

We can go up there any morning.

We don't even have
to make an appointment.

Who said I was going
to be baptized at all?

Why Clare! You did!
Now Vinnie...

You gave me your promise,
your sacred promise!

You said: I'll be baptized.
I promise I'll be baptized.

Well, what if I did?

Clare! Aren't you a
man of your word?

Vinnie, we all thought
you were dying!

So naturally, I said that
to cheer you up!

As a matter of fact, the doctor
told me that's what cured you!

So it seems to me pretty ungrateful of
you to press this matter any further.

My being well has
nothing to do with it.

You gave me your word!
You gave the Lord your word!

And you're going to march
yourself up to Mr. Morley's church

some morning before you go to
the office and be christened!

If you think for one minute I'm...
What in the name of heaven is that?

If you think I'm going
to let you add the sin

of breaking your
solemn and sacred promise...

I demand to know what
that repulsive object is?

It's perfectly plain what it is.
It's a pug dog.

What is it going in this house?
I wanted it and I bought it.

You spent good money for that?
Clare don't try to change the subject.

How much did you pay
for that atrocity?

I didn't pay anything for it.
I charged it.

Charged it!
I might have known!

How much was it?
$15.

$15?
For that eyesore?

Don't you call this lovely
work of art an eyesore!

It will look beautiful
sitting on a red cushion

by the fireplace
in the living room.

If that sits in the living room,
I won't!

Furthermore, I don't even want it
in the same house with me!

Get it out of here!

Clare, you're not going
to get out of this room

until you set
a date for your baptism!

I'll tell you one thing.

I'll never be baptized as long as that
hideous monstrosity is in this house!

All right!
All right!

Clarence...

That pug dog goes
back this afternoon

and he's chrisrened
first in the morning!

You heard him,
didn't you, Clarence?

You heard him say that
he'd be baptized

as soon as I got this pug dog
out of the house.

You hurry right back
to McCreery's with it

and be sure they
credit us with $15.

Oh Mother, while we
were at McCreery's,

I happened to see a suit
I'd like very much.

And the suit was only $15.

Well Clarence, I'm afraid
your suit will have to wait

until after I
get your father christened.

Well no, I meant that since the suit
cost just the same as the pug dog,

If I exchanged the
pug dog for the suit...

Why yes! Then the suit wouldn't
cost your father anything!

Why, how bright of you, Clarence,
to think of that!

I'd better start right away
before McCreery's closes.

Yes.
Now let's see.

If we're going to take your father
all the way to Audubon Park...

Clarence, on your way back,
you stop at the livery stable

and tell them to have a cab here
at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning.

Mother! A cab!
Do you think you ought to?

We can't walk all
the way to Audubon Park!

But you know what
a cab does to Father.

This is a very important occasion.
All right.

Get one of their best cabs,
the kind they use at funerals.

But those cost $2 an hour!
And if Father gets mad...

Well, if your father starts to argue
in the morning, you remember...

Oh he agreed to it.
We both heard him.

I hope you notice,
Clarence is returning the pug dog.

Well, that's a sign you're
getting your faculties back!

Don't dawdle, Clarence.

♪ Come to me,
sweet Marie. ♪

♪ Not because your face is fair,
don't you see. ♪

Vinnie, it's good to hear
you singing again.

♪ But your smile so pure and sweet
Makes my happiness complete ♪

♪ Makes me falter at your feet,
Sweet Marie ♪

Oh, uh - on the way uptown,
I stopped in at

Tiffany's and bought you
a little something.

Thought you might like it.

Clare!
What a beautiful ring!

Well, I'm glad
it pleases you.

Oh Clare!
How sweet of you!

I don't know how
to thank you!

Well, it's thanks
enough for me

just to have you
up and around again.

You know when you're ill, Vinnie,
this house is like a tomb!

There's no excitement.

That's the loveliest ring
you ever bought me.

Now that I have this, you
needn't buy me any more rings.

Well, if you don't want any more.

What I'd really like now
is a nice diamond necklace.

Vinnie, do you know how much
a diamond necklace costs?

Yes, I know, Clare.

But don't you see,
your getting me this

shows I mean a little
something to you.

Now a diamond necklace...
Good heaven!

If you don't know by this
time how I feel about you...

Well we've been married
for 20 years!

And I've loved you
every minute of it!

What did you say, Clare?

I said we've been
married for 20 years

and I've loved you
every minute of it.

But if I have to buy out jewelry
stores to prove it...

If I haven't shown it to you
in my words and actions...

Well, I might as well...

Well, what have I done now?

It's all right, Clare.

I'm just so happy.
Happy?

You said you loved me.

And this beautiful ring, that's
something else I didn't expect.

Oh Clare.
I love surprises.

That's another thing I've never
understood about you, Vinnie.

Now I like to know
what to expect,

Then I'm prepared to meet it.
Yes, I know, Clare.

But life would be pretty dull
if we always knew what was coming.

Well, it's certainly
not dull around here!

In this house,
you never know

what's going to hit you
tomorrow! Hehehe.

♪ Every daisy in the dell ♪

♪ Knows my secret,
Knows it well. ♪

♪ And yet I dare not tell thee,
Sweet Marie. ♪

♪ Sweet Marie.
Sweet Marie. ♪

♪ Come to me.
Come to me. ♪

♪ Not because your face is fair ♪

♪ Love to see.
Love to see. ♪

♪ Every daisy in the dell ♪

♪ Knows my secret
Knows it well. ♪

♪ And yet I dare not tell thee,
Sweet Marie. ♪

Well then, Harlan,
the very...

Who are you?
What's your name?

Margaret, sir.
Can't be Margaret.

We've got one Margaret
in the house.

At home,
they call me Maggie, sir.

All right, Maggie.

If her name's Margaret,
that's a good sign.

Maybe she'll stay a while.
Hehehe...

Do you know, boys,
your mother used

to be just the same about
cooks as she is about maids.

Never could keep them
for some reason.

Well, one day about...uh
14 years ago...

Yes, it was right after
you were born, John.

My, you were a homely baby!
Hehehe...

Thank you, Margaret.

Good morning, boys.
Good morning, Mother.

Good morning, Clare.
Morning, Vinnie.

Why, you look as though
you were dressed for a wedding.

Do I, dear?
Yes.

Have a good night?
Yes, thank you, Clare.

Sit down, Vinnie.
Sit down, boys.

Oh, thank you, Clarence.

Well, seems to me everyone's
all dressed up this morning.

What's on the program
for this fine day?

Well, this afternoon,
May Lewis' mother

is giving a party for everyone
in May's dancing class.

Harlan's going to that.
I don't want to go, Mama.

Harlan! Don't you want to go to a
party and get ice cream and cake?

May Lewis always tries to kiss me!
hehehe...

When you get a little older,

you won't object to girls
wanting to kiss you...

Will he, Clarence?
hehehe

This is for you, Mr. Day.
Where shall I put it?

Oh, that's for me, I think.
Take it upstairs, Maggie.

Wait a minute, Maggie.
Bring it here. Let me see it.

See! It's for me, Father:
Clarence Day Jr.

Let me look.
Well, that's from McCreery's.

It's marked: Charge!
What is it?

Clare, it's all right.
It's nothing for you to worry about.

Well, at least I think I should know
what's being charged to me.

What is it?
Clare, stop your fussing.

It's a new suit of
clothes for Clarence

and it isn't costing
you a penny.

It's marked: Charge $15.
It's costing me $15!

And I told Clarence...
Clare, can't you take my word?

It isn't costing you a penny!

I'd like to have you
explain why it isn't!

Because Clarence took the pug dog back
and got the suit instead!

Of course, and they'll
charge me $15 for the suit.

Nonsense, Clare.

We gave them the pug dog for
the suit. Don't you see?

Then they'll charge me $15
for the pug dog.

But Clare, they can't!
We haven't got the pug dog!

We sent that back!
Well... Hmm... But...

Well now, wait a minute, Vinnie.
The suit...

Well, there's something
wrong with your reasoning!

Well, Clare!
I'm surprised at you!

And you're supposed to be
so good at figures!

Why, it's perfectly
clear to me!

Vinnie, they're going to charge
me for one thing or the other!

Don't you let them!

Haa...

Well, McCreery's aren't
giving away suits,

and they aren't
giving away pug dogs.

Why, it should be
clear to a child,

that if Clarence sent the
pug dog back, they... Well...

I will not have that
botanical freak in this room!

John! Have you been going around
this town selling medicine?

Yes, Mother.
Dog medicine?

No, Mother.
Not dog medicine.

This letter from Mrs. Sprague says you
sold her a bottle of this medicine

and that her little boy gave some of
it to their dog and it killed him.

Now she wants $10 from us
for a new dog

Here, let me see that letter.

Well, he shouldn't have given it
to a dog. It's for humans.

Why, it's Bartlett's Beneficent Balm,
made from a secret formula.

Have you been going
around among our friends

and neighbors selling
some patent nostrum?

But it's good medicine, Father.
I can prove that by Mother.

Vinnie, what do you know about this?
Well, nothing, Clare.

But I'm sure John...
No, I mean that day Mother was...

That's enough!
You're going to every house

where you sold a bottle of that
concoction and buy it all back!

But it's a dollar a bottle!
I don't care how much it is.

Here.
I'll give you the money now.

How many bottles did you sell?

128...
128?!

Clare, I always told you John
would make a good businessman!

Young man, you'll have to come
down to my office with me.

I'll give you the money to
buy back that medicine.

$128, and $10 more
for Mrs. Sprague's dog.

That's $138.
Thank you, Vinnie.

But it's all coming out
of your allowance!

That means that you'll not get another
penny until the whole $138 is paid up!

I'll be 21 years old!

Oh God!

What the matter, Clare?
What's wrong?

Those gypsies are back!
Don't anyone answer the door!

They're moving in on us again,
bag and baggage!

I won't have it, I tell you!
I won't have it!

Now Clare...

Don't let them in!

Clare, hush up.
They'll hear you.

Tell them to get back in that cab
and drive right on to Ohio!

As if we could turn
our own relatives away!

They're extravagant enough to take cabs
when horse cars run right by our door.

Now, you be quiet and behave yourself!
John, come help with the baggage.

Why do they always have to pounce
on us without any warning?

Shhhh!
Cora! Mary!

Well, it's so good to
have you back again!

How are you, Vinnie?
We've been so worried about you.

Oh, I'm fine now.
Did you have fun in Springfield?

Oh, it was wonderful.

John, my! You're still growing!
Thank you, Cousin Cora.

John, go get their baggage.
There's Whitney.

Whitney, how are you. darling?
Fine, thank you.

And little Harlan.

Have you been a good boy?
No...

Clare,
the girls are here.

Cousin Clare!
Here we are again!

My my!
It's so nice to be back!

How do you do, Mr. Day?
How do you do?

Come in sit down and
have some breakfast with us.

Oh, we had breakfast
at the depot.

Well, we've practically
finished ours.

I haven't finished my breakfast!
Well then, sit down, Clare!

Come have a cup of coffee anyway.
Mary, sit over there.

Cora...
Maggie, clear those places.

My my!
This seems so natural.

Clare, don't let your
kippers get cold!

Maggie, serve some coffee.
Yes ma'am.

Where's Clarence?

He must be upstairs moving his things
so you can have his room again.

Oh oh Vinnie,
we can't stay overnight.

Grandpa Evans has been failing very fast,
and that's why I have to hurry back.

We're leaving on the 5 o'clock
train this afternoon.

Well, Cora, it certainly is
good to see again!

[doorbell ringing]
Well, who can that be?

Well, this time it can't be another
special delivery letter for Clarence!

Ah, while you were in Springfield,
our postman was kept pretty busy! Hehehe...

It's the cab, ma'am.
Cab? What cab?

The cab that's to take us
to Audubon Park.

Oh, who's going to Audubon Park?
We all are!

Cora, the most wonderful
thing has happened!

Clare is going to be
baptized this morning.

Vinnie,
what you saying?

I'm saying you're going to be
baptized this morning.

I am NOT going to be baptized
this morning or any other morning!

You promised yesterday that as soon as I
sent that pug dog that you'd be baptized.

I never said anything
remotely like that!

Clarence was right there
and heard you!

That's why I ordered the cab!

The cab!
Vinnie, you send that right back!

I'll do nothing of the kind!
I'm going to see that you go to heaven!

I can't go to heaven in a cab!
Oh!

Well, you can start in a cab!

I'm not sure they'll ever
let you into heaven!

But I know they won't
unless you're baptized!

They can't keep me out of
heaven on a technicality!

Clare! Stop quibbling!
You may as well face it.

You've got to make
your peace with God!

Until you stirred him up,
I had no trouble with God!

Harlan. Whitney.
Come get your Sunday hats.

Clarence! John!
Yes, Mother?

Hurry, we're ready to go.

Oh, my prayer book.
Harlan, come let me fix your tie.

Vinnie, are you mad?

Was it your plan that my own children
should witness this indignity?

Why Clare!
They'll be proud of you!

I suppose Harlan is
to be my godfather!

Vinnie, I won't go through with
this thing! That's final.

Well Clare dear, if you feel
that way about it...

I do!
Well, we won't take the children with us!

I'm not talking about the children.
I'm ready, Mother.

Oh John!

Vinnie, I haven't time for
anything like that this morning.

I've got to take John down
to my office with me

and give him the money to
buy back that dog medicine.

But it wasn't dog medicine, sir!

Young man, we're starting
downtown this minute.

You'll do no such thing!

You gave me your sacred promise
that day I almost died.

Yes, and she would have died if we
hadn't given her some of that medicine.

That proves it's good medicine.

You gave your mother
some of that dog medicine?!

John, you didn't?!

Yes, we did, Mother.
We put some in your tea that morning.

Oh John!

Do you realize you might
have killed your mother?

You did kill Mrs. Sprague's dog!

John, I'll have to give considerable thought
as to how you are to be punished for this.

But Clare...
No, Vinnie.

When I think of that day! What...
Why, we might have lost you!

You're all right now,
thank heaven.

But what I went through
that afternoon...

The way I felt... Well,
I'll never forget it!

You've forgotten it already.
What do you mean?

That was the day you gave
me your sacred promise.

Yes, but I wouldn't have
given you my promise,

if I hadn't thought
you were dying.

And you wouldn't have almost died if
John hadn't given you that dog medicine!

Don't you see?
Well, the whole thing is illegal!

Suppose I had died. It wouldn't
make any difference to you.

You don't care whether
we meet in heaven or not.

You don't care whether you ever
see me in the children again.

Oh Vinnie! You're not
being fair to me.

It's all right,
Clare.

If you don't love us enough,
there's nothing we can do about it.

But that has nothing
to do with it!

I love my family
as much as any man.

All my life, I've struggled
and worked just to...

Oh God.
There's that cab.

Vinnie, you're not well enough
to go all the way to Audubon.

Oh, I'm well enough
if we ride.

But that trip would
take all morning!

And those cabs cost
a dollar an hour!

This is one of
their best cabs!

This costs $2 an hour!

Well then why aren't you ready?!
Get your hat on!

Oh, tarnation!
Hallelujah! Amen!

Young lady,
if I hadn't been for you,

no one would have known
whether I was baptized or not!

Oh God!

Good morning, Mr. Day.
Going to the office?

NO! I'm going to be
baptized, damn it!