Life of the Party (2018) - full transcript

Hey! Hi, there!

Oh, boy, look at this.

Ah.

Pretty as ever. Ha!

Oh, exciting!

Ohh...

Did you pack
your bowling ball collection in here?

Oh, my God! He's in a good mood.

Who do I love, huh? Who do I love?
You know I love you.

Yeah, I love you, too, Mom.

Senior year, huh? I mean, this is the one.



They're all important but,
boy, this is the one

that really takes you to the finish line.
What do I always tell you?

- I got this.
- You got this.

Tell you what I won't miss -
paying 28 grand a year.

- Oh.
- Dad!

Don't listen to him.

He just likes to squeeze the coin purse.

I just love it here.

I love being back at our alma mater,
right, honey?

Well, technically, it's my alma mater.
You didn't graduate.

He loves it.

Oh, boy, here come the waterworks.

- Mom!
- You know what?

I think I just need some cheese
or something. I'm a little snackish.



OK, traffic. We got traffic.

- Aww.
- OK. OK.

All right. We're gonna release, OK?

You're a remarkable young lady.

And my love for you is very, very fierce.

What? I'm only 22 minutes away!

That's 22 minutes too far for me.

Have so much fun in Italy, guys.
It's gonna be amazing.

Arrivederci! That's Italian.

- Have fun.
- Thanks.

Save your receipts.
Just kidding, but save 'em.

OK.

- Hatchback.
- Oh.

Yup. Oh, boy.

Ciao, honey!

Ciao!

We're both fluent. I'm coming, Dan.

Beep beep yourself, mister.

Somebody trying to get me in the car
all to himself, huh?

Oh, boy. Four weeks in Italy. Mm?

Are you ready? I'm ready.

I've always enjoyed our staycations

but I think I'm ready
for a little gondola ride with my fella.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

I wanna see our girl go in.

Oh-ho, look at that!

Oh-ho-ho!

I want a divorce.

- What?
- I want a divorce.

God, it feels good to say that out loud.

I wanna be completely transparent
with you, Deanna.

I am in love with someone else.

Who are you in love with?

Marcie.

Marcie Strong.

The realtor?

The one on the bus benches?

She's also on a series
of small billboards downtown

and she has a pretty respectable
social media following.

Oh, my God!

- Don't... Please...
- Don't touch me!

- Stay in the car, please.
- I'm gonna be sick!

Look, I know this seems mean but I'm
doing it to facilitate a clean break.

Like ripping a Band-Aid off quickly.
This is better for you.

Don't you dare tell me
that this is better for me.

Also in the interests of
complete transparency,

I'm gonna sell the house.

You can't do that.
That's not how it works.

Marcie already started the paperwork
and it's all in my name.

Stop it! This is a lease.
We still have ten months' payments.

- Stop it, please!
- I don't care if it's a lease.

Please, get back in the car.

Oh, that's gonna cost.

We'll talk about this later.

Just go, Dan.

Now I gotta use Waze.

23 years of marriage, just down the tubes.

I mean, can you believe that?

No. I'm just...
I'm so disappointed in Dan.

And what's Maddie gonna do? I mean,
you've gotta cancel the trip to Italy.

You know, I honest to God...
I didn't see it coming.

You always hear that
but I didn't see it coming.

Let me tell you this,
Dan doesn't deserve you.

You're such a great lady, Deanna.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

This is it. My parents' house
is just up here on the right.

Thanks, Dale. And, uh...

From the bottom of my heart...

I'm gonna give you a great Uber review.

Well, I hope your day gets better, Deanna.

I'm sure it will.

Can I make you a sandwich?

No, thanks, Mom.
I'm just... I'm not hungry.

What about a tuna salad sandwich
or egg salad?

- You like egg salad.
- I do like egg salad.

But, I promise you, I'll let you know,
but I'm really not hungry right now.

Well, at least...
at least Marcie is attractive.

- Mike!
- Dad! Oh, my God!

What did I say? I mean,
it'd be even worse if she was homely.

- No! No, it would not!
- Yeah, OK, well, you know what?

That Dan, no good.

I knew that the first time he tried
to make you drop out of college.

What kind of man makes his pregnant wife
drop out of college with one year to go?

Mike, lower your voice.

You're upsetting Razzles.

I'm sorry, Razzy.

He didn't make me drop out of school.

Dan and I decided that together.
We were having a baby!

We needed to save money.

We could only afford
one of us to finish school

and he thought it was more important
that he went.

- OK.
- OK?

I was always supposed to go back.
It just never happened.

You were just so close to graduating.

I think it just kind of
sticks in his craw.

- Yeah, it just sticks in my craw a bit.
- Yeah.

I've got an idea, honey.

What about a ham sandwich?

Sandy, she doesn't want a ham sandwich.

But she likes ham, Mike.

Of course she likes ham.
Everybody likes ham!

But the point is
that she's too upset to eat!

You know what's upsetting me?
It's that my marriage has collapsed

and you two keep screaming about ham!

- I'm not screaming about ham.
- You are screaming about ham!

- Yeah, stop it!
- You think I'm screaming about ham?

Right now, your voice is going up
with "ham"!

Fine! I'm screaming about ham!
I can't help it!

I'm up on the roof there!
I'm blowing through the roof!

I feel like... like I'm gonna blow
like a hot water heater!

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go right now.

I'm making everyone a sandwich.

Mom, am I the only one
that didn't see it coming?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna shoot Dan.

- Mike.
- Yeah!

Put the gun down.
You are not shooting Dan.

Dad, stop waving that gun around.

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

Oh, my gosh! You almost hit Razzles!

Michael, you put a hole in the stairs!

Oh, shit!

You know what? Dan's fault!

This was Dan's fault.

Ow! Shit!

Whoa! Whoa!

You can't call this racquetball.

That's a disgrace to the game.

You know what?
I know I fought you on it

but thank you for getting me
out of the house.

Come on. What do you
think best friends are for?

Hey! Hey!

Excuse me,
there's no alcohol on the courts.

Oh, suck it, Eugene!

Go easy on the kid, huh?

You know what?
How many of those have you had?

- I had three on the way over here.
- Yeah.

I made Frank drive me.

- You've had four here. You've had seven?
- I've had seven.

What are we supposed to do,
wait around here all day?

OK, let's just show them how it's done,
OK?

Ohh!

- Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry.

Right in the lady business.

It's not funny!

- Shut up!
- It's not funny.

- Oh, my! Oh, that's like a pain.
- I'm really sorry.

I think I was thinking about Dan's face
or maybe... his crotchal area.

- No, but you're good.
- I kind of let loose.

You got good aim. Wow!

What am I doing? I am drinking alcohol

on a racquetball court
and yelling at old men.

I mean, what am I gonna do?

Go get a studio apartment
or start taking spin classes?

Oh, God! I don't wanna start a blog.

- I don't know how to do that.
- Please don't do that.

I should have just fought more.

- You know?
- Don't do that to yourself.

You did great.

What about Maddie?

- She's so great.
- She's so great.

I don't regret that at all, I mean...

That's the best, I mean, being her mom.

I even liked being a wife.

I just wanted to also have a career.

I didn't see why I couldn't
have all of those things.

Hey, yo! We don't have time
for your heartfelt conversations!

They're so ornery.

OK, let's razzle-dazzle, and show...

- Oh, God, we have to move again?
- ..show the Muppet judges, right?

My sciatica's kicking.

Oh, God! Wow!

The pain, it's blinding!

I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry I did that.
I didn't mean to hit you.

You don't need to apologise to me.
Just apologise to my vagina.

I'm so sorry.

Stacey accepts your apology.

- Who's Stacey?
- She's my vagina.

You know what? I shouldn't say anything.
Mine is LeVonne.

- What?
- I thought it sounded French.

Oh, my God.

Oh-ho!

That was not good hair.

Too short. Too short, Deanna.

A-boo!

- Oh, God!
- Mom!

I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to actually scare you.

- Hi!
- Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Well, I was just bringing you
some mini toiletries

and I got you some more of that shampoo
that I know you like so much.

Mom, I've only been here a week.
I don't need more shampoo.

Oh, I always think everyone
can use shampoo

and floss and frozen vegetable medleys.

Always a good thing to have around.

That's why I stopped by
and also to tell you that

your father and I are getting a divorce.

But if you want me
to take the shampoo back...

Wait, what?

Yeah, honey.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to just blurt that out.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God!
- Come here.

I didn't mean to do it like that.

You know that this has nothing to do
with how much we love you.

Because we love you.
We love you so much. So much, OK?

Oh, my God.

What happened?

I guess in a nutshell, I would have to say

that he is currently
having an intimate sexual relationship

with somebody named Marcie.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

No, I'm... I'm sorry.

I mean, this was not my plan.

I did not mean to come over here
and just dump bad news on you.

I wish I was...

I wish I knew how to do this better.

Dad is such an ass!

Yeah. But I'll tell you this.

I'm not even really a full week in
but I'm feeling...

..peppier about it.

Top of the week was... Whoo!

..really, really spiralling down there
but I feel like

there's some big wheels in motion here.

Exciting, big, semi-truck-size wheels.

Yes, big wheels!

Come on, seize the day! Go for the gold!

Yeah, at least medal, right?

That's why I'm gonna go back to college
and get my archaeology degree.

Right here, my alma mater.

I'm gonna finish what I started!

- No.
- Yes!

Mom, you really gotta take a moment
and think about this.

Hm. I love it.

Oh... OK. Oh, boy.

OK. OK.

Oh, boy.

I overwhelmed my gal.

Mom came in and overwhelmed her.

Yes, I did.

No, this is... this is good news.

Yeah, good news. Mm-hm.

Good news.

I'll tell you what. I would hate
to have to clean all these spindles.

- I think you could do it.
- I know I could.

You doing OK?

- Yeah, I'll be OK.
- OK. I know.

Yeah, you're a tough cookie.

Ohh!

Hey! Hello!

Look who's here. The gang's all here.

- Hi!
- Hi, Mrs Miles!

Look at this. Oh, it's a study group.
Study buddies already.

- You should be down here studying.
- Please stop, Mom.

Look at you.
Boy, a sight for sore eyes, huh?

Hello to my fellow Tigers,
fellow students,

because somebody's mom
just enrolled in college!

I'm referring to myself.

Wait, you're going to school here now?

She's thinking about it.
It's not for sure yet.

It's pretty for sure.
I don't think I'm gonna change my mind.

And, you know, it made me start wondering
when I was signing up today.

I thought, "Wasn't Amanda talking about
switching to the archaeology department?"

- Was that you?
- No, I'm art history.

No. How about you?

No, it's not me.

No. I'm so sorry, we haven't met.
I haven't had the pleasure.

- I'm Helen. Hi!
- Did I get lucky?

Are you possibly an archaeology major?
There's usually two of us in a room.

I'm undeclared.

There's still time.

There's still time. Check into it.

Now, I couldn't help noticing

that you're a little whisper older
than the other girls.

Are you a TA or maybe a grad student?

No, I'm a sophomore.
But I started college a little bit later

because I was in a coma for eight years.

Oh, my gosh!

If I may, I'm just wondering,
how did it... how did that happen?

Yes, I was skydiving.

Boy!

One minute you're falling out of
a plane, then the lights go out.

Next thing I know, I wake up.
I think it's the next day

but I've grown four inches
and suddenly I have C cups.

It was eight years gone.

I also have C cups. But I didn't have
to go into a coma for them.

Mom! I think that's your cue.

I think, maybe, you've gotta hit the road.

- Yes, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Yes. Put a fork in me. I'm done. So sorry.

I'm gonna toddle off, on that note.

So nice meeting you.

So nice to meet you, Helen.
Girls, what a delight to see you again.

OK, all right.

Well, I'll see you around campus
or on the quad.

- Nobody says that, Mom.
- Nobody says that?

I'll bring it back.
See you in the quad, Tigers.

Bye, Mrs Miles!

And welcome.

So, here's your class schedule.

Wow! I am pumped!

- Thank you so much!
- You're so welcome.

- All right, take care.
- Bye now.

I already got senioritis. Kidding!

Yes!

Ooh! Yes!

Oh, did you see these in there?
They're tiny footballs!

- Aren't they so cute?
- No idea what I'm gonna do with them.

I guess I'll find tiny football players.

Let me just get my grip.

You're a sight for sore eyes.

If you could just maybe grab that...

I guess chivalry's dead.

Wearing sweatpants in broad daylight.

There's another one.

Future Dans of America.

Hello?

Hi! Oh...

- Don't turn on the lights.
- Ohh!

Oh!

Hi, there.

I'm Deanna
and you must be Lenore or is it Leonor?

OK, well, I'm sure we'll get into that.

So we're roomies, huh?

Fun to be roomies.

Bunkmates.

It's dark in here. Were you asleep?

I don't sleep. I'm scared of the dark.

Oh, boy.

I'm scared of a lot of things.
I'm scared of crowds, books, flying,

people, ants, ketchup.

Oh, ketchup's a tough one for me.

I mean, I like a moutarde
but I'm kind of a ketchup gal.

I like to dunk my taters.

OK. I like that.

OK, well, we are gonna get along
just great.

Ohh!

Look at that spring back.

I'll tell you what,
I did not expect that kind of resilience.

Oh! First day at school!

- Shut up!
- Sorry.

First day at school.

Hey, guys. Go Tigers, right?

Oh, man.

Oh! I want it. Yes!

I'd love a brainstorming session,
I've got one.

Hit it high! There we go.

Hey, Mondays, huh?

Oh, this is amazing!

OK. Let's do this.

Good seats. Good pick.

I'm gonna go a little further up
because of my progressives.

You want a study buddy?
I'll give you my landline.

Maybe we could kind of... Oh! Oh!

- Hi!
- Hi!

I hate to do this.
God, there's always that one, right?

It's, like, "I gotta sit
in the centre-centre."

Ooh, look at you. Real big feet.

Ohh!

Sorry, let me give you that back.
You got it.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Hi, there. Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Sorry. I apologise.

You got hit by school spirit.

Wow! Look at you, all decked out.

You know what?
I am excited to be in this class.

Now, I have to say,
I'm surprised to see you in here.

Well, after I met you,
I watched Indiana Jones.

The best.

- Then, scuttlebutt on the street is...
- What is that?

Everything's already been dug up,
so this is a really easy class.

No, I gotta agree to disagree.

But good news,
this means we're both Jurassic junkies.

Oh, look at this place. Oh.

Oh, boy.

Excuse me, I think your bag's got
a case of the dropsies.

It went through the chute there.

Farther in than I thought.
You know what?

That tip.

The little tip of that cracked right off.

But, luckily for you, I got a whole
haul of mechanical pencils

so the lead keeps replenishing
as you twist.

You want in on this, huh?

- No, thank you.
- No?

But I love your sweater.

Ohh!

Thank you so much.
Yeah, I thought it really popped.

Yeah, I was kidding.

It's a horrible sweater.

It's a horrible, super-sad mom sweater.

OK.

I see we're still doing that.

Girls being mean to other girls
for no apparent reason.

There is a reason. You're not a girl,
you're 1,000 years old.

You're ancient. A relic.

She's pleased with herself over that one.

Well, guess what? If I'm a relic,
then I guess I'm in the right class.

Whoo!

Swoosh.

It's an archaeology jam.

Who made jam out of that mess of berries?
Me.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Welcome to Archaeology 301.

Oh, my God.

I think that's Wayne Truzack.

He was a classmate of mine 20 years ago.

First of all, I wanna tell you that your
satisfaction in this class is guaranteed

or you'll get double your mummy back.

"Mummy back."

- Oh!
- I don't get why that's funny.

It is funny but it's also punny.

Hey, freaks, shut up!

No! No! No!

No. No. No.

I brought snacks!

I don't know. I'm loving my classes.

They're amazing. I feel like I'm learning.

I think I felt for so long like
my brain was in a freezer

and now I've really come room temp.

It's just great!

- Can I say something?
- You could say whatever you want, Debbie.

- You don't have to ask.
- Thanks, Amanda.

I think it's really great
you had something bad happen to you

and that you're making lemons
out of lemonade.

I think you did kind of flip-flop
that saying.

It's supposed to be
"lemonade out of lemons".

You take something sour
and you turn it into something sweet.

Pretty sure it's
"make lemons out of lemonade".

It's kind of the idea that
something bad happened to you,

like your husband leaving you
and squashing you to make lemonade.

Then pulling yourself back together again
and now you're a whole lemon.

Huh! That was a very visual story.

Very painful visual

but then the whole lemon really does
bring it back around to the flip side.

So thank you for that.

I appreciate the sentiment
and I appreciate these cheeks.

Oh, my God! I can't let go!

Deanna, you wanna stick around
and hang out?

I would love to hang.
My first college hang.

I am free as a bird. I'm down to clown.

Deanna's such a mouthful.

What if I called you Dee Dee?

I have always wanted a nickname.

What about Dee Rock or Dee Train?

Or Glenn?

Why would we call her Glenn?

Just cos I love Glenn Close
and I was thinking about her.

- I love Glenn Close.
- You do?

Fatal Attraction, best movie ever.

- That the one where she boiled a rabbit?
- It is.

I think I showed that to Maddie
a little too early on

because she urinated in her underpants.

Mom!

And would not eat anything out of a stew
pot for a good six to eight months.

Or she would just keep re-urinating
in her underpants.

Mom, stop!

Let's watch it.
Let's rent it. Movie night.

Yeah, you know...
I love a good movie night.

But I think...
my mom does not want to hang out here.

She's just stopping by. She's not gonna
hang out with her daughter's friends.

That would be so weird.
That would be weird.

Maddie's right.
I can't hang out right now.

I've gotta get home and get in some
good hang time with my new roomie.

- What's her name?
- You know what? It's Leonor or Lenore.

I'm not really sure.

We're just kind of getting used
to each other, I'm sure.

She kind of mutters around the room,
talking to herself.

I just kind of get a Voldemort vibe
from her.

But I will take a rain check on the movie,
if that... Or not.

- Rain check.
- OK. Rain check.

Aw!

I'll make the popcorn.
I got a sweet and savoury one.

- Great!
- Bye.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Dee Rock.

- She's amazing.
- Yeah.

That was very nice of her
to bring food for you guys.

I love your mom.

Last thing. You're not gonna...
Thunder dunder clouds up ahead.

And I just said rain check.
It's like I conjured it.

- Oh, great.
- OK. Bye-bye. Last hug.

- OK.
- I love you.

Look at her dancing me out!

We're like Fred and... OK.

You're a bookworm, huh?

Oh, my God. How long have you been there?

Six minutes.

You're a quiet one.

You get good grades, huh?

Uh... well...

I try. I really enjoy
the subject matter and...

I don't know,
I just find archaeology a constant wonder.

You like to dig up stuff?
I like to bury stuff.

OK.

Look at us! Kind of yin and yang...

having our first conversation, huh?

Fun.

Listen, while we're gabbing,
I was just kind of wondering...

It's been a few weeks.

I'm thinking, "I wonder if she's ever
gonna go...

outside the room?"

Maybe for a class or a...
you know, a coven meeting.

I'm kidding.

I've gone on the other side of that door.

Oh, yeah...

I find you behind that door all the time

but that's inside my closet.

So, I was just wondering...

are you ever gonna go out of maybe
that door... into the, let's say, hallway?

I'll probably stick to that door.

- You wanna stick to my closet?
- Yeah.

OK.

- I like you.
- Ohh!

And we're friends.

I certainly hope so.

I'm might go back to my room.

OK.

Mm! Wow! That smells great. What is that?

Yes, it's Fiori Antichi Della Novella.

Remember? We got it a Firenze.

Mi piace.

- It turns me on.
- Yeah.

Mm!

What is that smell?

It's probably garlic and Dial.

And a little mayo.

I had an Italian sandwich.

They're lovers.

No, they're not. They're jealous.

No, we're best... best friends.

- Yes.
- I can't believe you brought her.

I can't believe you brought Christine.

I can't believe you shacked up
with a bitch!

Hey! Hey!

- That is not gonna be useful today.
- This bitch...

has a lot of reason to be here.

I am an excellent negotiator.
I am a realtor.

Yes. Not only do you destroy homes,
you also sell them.

- Isn't that come full circle?
- Oh, good burn!

OK.

Hello, all. As you know,

this mediation is here to help facilitate
the terms of your divorce.

So, just so you know,

this is not a court of law, all right?

You will all be civilised and you will
please address all speech to me.

- To you.
- To you.

- No crosstalk.
- No.

Even if we wanna talk to one another,
we can't. If I wanted to say, "Dina..."

- You'd look at me.
- I'd look at you, I'd say, "Dina...

I am going to have...
a beautiful life with your husband...

Dina."

- If I were to say, "Marky..."
- Marcie.

"..you're gonna be very disappointed
in bed

cos Dan's downstairs
is not gonna do the trick."

I don't know why you're laughing.
Frank's not great downstairs, either.

- To me.
- We play tennis together.

- Frank is no big deal down there.
- He's right. Frank is not.

I have a question, Dan.

Why is it that you're playing tennis
with Frank pantsless?

- This is not helping our process.
- Thank you.

- OK. Can we proceed?
- She's not signing anything, Your Honour.

If I may.

I'm not a judge. Remember,
I said this isn't a court of law.

My name is Christine Davenport,
good friend to Deanna.

And I am here as a support.

Thank you. Thank you for that.
I just want to get this over with.

Terrifying!

I want it on the record that the accused
are currently in the process

of selling my client's home...
and not splitting the proceeds.

Because the house was 100 per cent
in Daniel's name. So...

That was our house, Dan.
You know that was our house.

I understand, but we're gonna settle this,
and that's why we're here, OK?

- Daniel...
- Don't interject.

- Don't be a weenie.
- I'm not being a weenie.

- OK...
- I'm not being a weenie.

Well, that's debatable. This is not...

This is not helping our process.

There is no probable clause
to implicate this witness.

I move to dismiss.

I just want to say for the record, I just
needed an upgrade in my life, Deanna.

- You son of a...
- OK. To me, please.

I'm sorry. You son of a bitch.

- No, you're the son of a bitch.
- You're the son of a bitch!

- You're the son of a bitch.
- I object!

I object! I'm not even a judge. OK?

I'm just gonna take...

I'm just gonna take a break.
Gotta strategise.

Are you coming back?

I refuse to disclose information
about my client.

Case adjourned.

Deanna!

We know what room she's in.
We don't need to yell.

- I like to yell!
- Let her yell.

Guys, why are we going
to see my mom right now?

Because we haven't seen her all week
and we miss her.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

Hey, what are you guys doing in here?

What's wrong?

We filed our paperwork today,

so your dad and I are
officially getting divorced.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I don't even like
talking to you about this stuff.

No, don't worry at all.

I just know he's gonna fight me
on, like, every little thing.

So it's just...
it's a little frustrating is all.

- That looks really good.
- Yeah, it used to be in a can.

Can I say something?

- Just say it, Debbie.
- Just say it.

Yes, honey.

We need to get you jackhammer blasted.

I just am not really in the mood
to kind of, you know, hang out.

- And I don't want to impose, so...
- Come on!

You're not imposing, Mom.

- I am imposing.
- No, you're not.

You're not imposing.

You just got some really rough news
and to be honest,

we both got really rough news.

But, you're in college now.
You gotta learn how to party through it.

All right, girl.
I'm gonna go to a party with my mom.

Let's do it. I'm gonna be that girl!

Come on. I wanna...
? Party with my mama

- All right. I'm down to clown!
- Dee Rock's down to clown!

I am also down to clown.
I'm always down to clown.

It's just something that I do
all the time.

- I like your vibe.
- Why?

- Oh, it's pretty lively!
- Yeah, it's a party, Mom.

Well, it's also a school night.

Dee, I think those guys
just checked you out.

- No, they weren't!
- Yes, they were.

They're probably just looking at my smock.
It tends to catch the light.

Oh, they're so young.

I think I'm too old to be here.

No, come on! It'll be so fun.

Let's rock out with our lady dongs out.

That's not a thing.

Shots! Shots! Shots!

- What do we want?
- Full velocity!

Oh, it's so loud in here!
I can barely hear myself think.

Hey!

There's your boyfriend.
Doesn't he look sharp?

- Yeah, let's go get a drink.
- Oh, stairs!

Yep.

I just wish you would have let me
bring a covered dish.

- That would have been so weird.
- No, it's weird to not bring something.

- Hell, no.
- Hell, no.

Maddie, you're not bringing
old people to this party.

Absolutely not. No moms allowed.

I will break your face.
No-one will recognise you.

- You'll die in a ditch.
- OK, OK, OK.

OK, my mom needs a drink.

So back up before I back you up!

Hop out!

I'm so proud of you for owning your power.

Don't escalate it.

But, wow! Impressive.

God, I don't know what's sadder,

the mom perm... or the mom boobs.

Mom perm! I gotta tell... Time-out, guys.

God-given curls.
All I'm doing is a little...

maybe a foam mousse,
a little spray, hot roller

and I set it, and I forget it.

And secondly, these allowed this one
to suckle at these teats

- for 28 wonderful...
- We're not...

- We're not...
- ..wonderful tender months.

- I wear them around my waist proudly.
- This isn't the time.

I just feel like...

I don't know if it's more pathetic
to party with your mom...

or to party with your daughter.

Come on. Let's do something cool.

Real cool. Bye, nerds.

OK, this was a lot of fun.

Um, but I want you to enjoy yourselves
tonight, so I'm just gonna go.

No, no, no.

- We're gonna have a good time.
- I should not be here.

This is not a party for me.

If you go, evil wins!

OK, you know what?
I have an idea. Let's go to the bathroom.

- Oh, I don't have to tinkle.
- I think you do.

I think I'd know if I had to tinkle.
Except that one time.

All right. Let's go.

Please tell me you're not doing
the cocaine.

Oh, my God! No! Come on.

No, I already told you.
I do not have to go to the bathroom.

Mom, you're a college girl now
and we gotta make some changes.

What does that mean?

- Let's start with these glasses.
- No!

- You gotta start wearing contact lenses.
- No!

This is horrible!

Then this, this is just...
Let's get this off.

- Come on, Mom.
- Oh, my God! What has gotten into you?

Don't fight it, Mom! It's like a Band-Aid.
You gotta rip it off quickly.

- All I have on is my undershirt.
- Yeah!

I'm gonna unbutton.

Not one, not two...

but three.

Not three buttons, no!

Look at your breasts!

- Mom!
- What? I don't know what's happening.

- Those are gorgeous!
- They're all right.

Maybe how about we just do something
about that hair just a little bit?

No! Oh, God, it's full of hair.

Come on, it'll be fine. Let me have it.

No! Oh, God, don't! No!

Hey, what's up?
You're that girl in the coma, right?

Not any more.

- Yeah, I follow you on Twitter.
- I don't date fans.

OK.

So beautiful.

Oh, God. Now I've got a bare...

You know what I can't wear is a bare lip.

What is that?

It's mauve.

You know I love mauve.

No, I'm not a fan, I just...
I got a lot of respect for comas.

I like sleeping pretty long, too, I guess.

Whoa!

Oh, God! Are you in a coma again?

Oh, God, I gotta get help.

Can I look? Can I look now?

Yes! I think you're done.

Hey! Wow!

My God! "What are you, 20?"

- OK. I wouldn't go that far.
- I'm 21.

OK.

You know,
I used to wear my hair like this.

Eons ago...

when you were in here.

You look so beautiful, Mom.

Wow!

You know what? OK.

I think you're ready, college girl.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, let's go. But let's leave this.

Let's never touch...
or talk about that brush again.

OK.

- Thank you.
- Of course. I love you.

I love you, too.

Boom.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Get a room!

Just kidding, don't. L-O-L. Hashtag.

- Hey, Ms Miles.
- Hi, how are you?

Good. You guys both look amazing!

- Thank you.
- Charmer.

I heard you're back at school now,
which is awesome.

- It is.
- You get to party with all of us.

Uh, well...

How about a drink or something?
Let me introduce you to my friend Jack.

Hi, I'm Jack.

Deanna. Hi.

Wow, that's...

You have wonderfully intricate hair.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Well, can I get you something to drink?

Oh... OK. I would love a Chardonnay,
maybe something oaky.

Um...

Did you pick up the Chardonnay?

- We have some boxed wine.
- We have some boxed wine.

- In a box?
- I don't know.

I'm sure it tastes real cardboardy.

I'm sure it tastes very cardboardy!

Really, it comes in a plastic bladder,
so it's not touching the cardboard.

I told him we should not get anything
that comes in a bladder.

- I'm the only one who likes wine.
- Oh, I love wine!

But I don't like drinking it
out of bladders.

I don't blame you.

She'll just have a shot and a beer,
please.

- Perfect.
- There we go.

Why not? I'm here to get
the full college experience.

So... what is the spirit du jour?

This is 100 per cent agave tequila.

Agave! I use that when I bake muffins.

- OK.
- She loves to bake.

- I do.
- All right, let's do it.

- What do we want?
- Full velocity!

And equal work for equal pay.

Oh, God.

- Oh, God.
- That is aggressive.

That's just burning.

It's burning all the way down.

Just follow my lead
and we'll do this again, OK?

We'll try it again.

All right. What do we want?

Full velocity!

Oh, and cleaner oceans.
Our coral reefs are dying, guys.

No, er... Ms Miles...

Look, Ms Miles, coral reefs and equal
work for equal pay, all great things.

But at our parties...

when somebody says "What do we want?"
we just say "Full velocity."

You don't need to say anything else.

It's more of a party tradition.

OK. So, it's just a flat answer of full...

- Velocity.
- Velocity.

- OK.
- You ready?

Well...

Third time's the charm, right?

- What do we want?
- Full velocity!

And full maternity leave
for non-gender-specific working parents.

And full velocity!

Where's my mom?

Oh, she's over there busting it out.

Hi, honey!

Hi!

Ohh! I feel that in my C-section scar!

- Are you OK?
- Ooh, yeah!

It's not over. It's full velocity!
Let's go! Come on, guys!

Oh... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Mom!

OK, OK, OK.
You don't have to make a big deal.

Don't jump to conclusions.
You don't know what's happening here.

Really? It looks like my mother is doing
the walk of shame out of a frat house.

OK, I guess technically that's...
what's happening. Let's just go.

Let's get out of here. Oh, my God!

I don't think you've gotta rub it in. Oh!

Fella, close your robe.

Can we please just get out of here?

Aren't they gonna serve breakfast?

No, they're not gonna serve breakfast.
This isn't the Hilton.

I knew that. But I thought maybe
they'll have a bagel spread or something.

My God!

Oh, my God!
My foot keeps charley horsing.

I'm telling you,
I can't even get my boots back on.

I guess that's what I get
for getting my toes curled last night.

And I mean cu-urled.

Mom, please stop!

I think it was mutually enjoyable...
for both parties.

I mean, I had fun.

He enjoyed himself.
He kept yelling, "Please, more!"

I thought he was doing a scene
from Oliver! "Please, more."

I heard that through the wall

and I thought he was
saying, "Cheese store."

And I was very confused.

One time we were playing
kind of a cheesemonger

and I was a poor peasant girl but...

That's disgusting, Mom.

- No! It was fun.
- Mom!

And I love cheese.

I love you so much.

Have I asked you once about any of this?
No. You just keep blabbing.

I'm asking you to please be quiet
and stop talking.

OK. I think we should keep
communication lines open.

You know what? I'm older, I'm wiser.
I...

This, essentially a Google.

Right down here, where you came from.

I'm like the Google of vaginas.

"Ask me anything, please."

Turn off your vagoogle.

- It can't be turned off.
- OK, I don't like it.

You're scaring me...
and you're scaring everyone around you.

I think... I think my vagoogle
scared Jack last night.

- Oh, my God!
- But in a good way.

Like when you intentionally
go through a haunted house.

Eww!

Not saying...

You know what I mean.

Please, I just don't wanna
talk about your vagoogle.

All right.
I've got a little pop quiz for you here.

But don't worry, I promise to grade it
pharaoh and squaraoh.

Hey, I've got to tell you,
your work so far is impeccable.

This department is lucky to have you back.

Oh, my gosh. Wayne, thank you so much.
You know, it's still my passion.

I guess once a dighead,
always a dighead, huh?

- Yes, you certainly are.
- Guess that makes me a dighead, too.

OK, my advice to you
is to crack a book, all right?

You are failing this class
in spectacular fashion.

And I would love to see you
on a dig one day.

That makes two of us
wanting to see me on a dig.

That's...
Thank you. It's a lovely sediment.

No. I did not. I did it, though.

You're gonna make me become
Stone-unhinged.

No, you get out!

Anyway, I can't wait to see
your mid-term presentation.

I'm pretty excited for you to read it.

No, no. It's an oral presentation.

It's a... What is it?

Instead of with your hands, you present
your work with your mouth and tongue.

OK. You're gonna be great.

Just keep up the good work. OK.

What's the matter?

I'm just not fond of speaking in public.

OK, let's get started on those quizzes.
You have 15 minutes, so do not dally.

Dee Dee.

- Hey, Jack.
- Hey! I um...

I saw Maddie and she said that
you were gonna be in here studying.

So, I got you a coffee.

Thank you, Jack. That's so nice of you.

I couldn't find any Chardonnay, so...

It's probably for the best.

Hey, have you, uh...
been getting my texts?

Oh, um...

You know what? I usually...

I turn off my little chimey alert.

Yeah. You gotta be quiet in the library,
right?

Oh.

Wow, that's...

That's a lot of texts, Jack.

- Now that I'm here...
- Yeah.

Yeah, I can just tell you.

I um...

I kind of can't stop thinking about you.

Jack, that is so sweet.

You wanna know
what I can't stop thinking about?

Us. Me and you, we leave this school.

We can go backpacking across Europe.

Me and you - Eat Pray Love style.

I-I can...
I can bartend, we'll make it work...

Jack.

Years ago,
somebody asking me to do that with them

would have been an absolute dream.

But I can't travel with a backpack
any more.

I need luggage with wheels.

I mean, I...

Even my carry-on has wheels, Jack.

My hips can't really sustain a backpack.

They're never the same after a childbirth,
you know, but...

But it's such a wonderful offer

and you're such a terrific guy but...

I think what we had the other night

was really kind of
a one-time special thing.

Uh-oh!

- That was amazing!
- That was so nice.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.

You are my sexual Dumbledore.

- I mean...
- What does that mean?

Dumbledore, he's from Harry Potter.

You know, Harry Potter's, like, mentor...

he's got the beard, and he's got the hat.

- Dumbledore.
- I'm gonna stop you right there.

Um... this is just...

This will ride you through life.

I don't think ever there's a woman
that's gonna want you to say

that during a sexual encounter

you're thinking of her
as an old, grey, grizzled wizard.

Aww!

- Yeah.
- Aww! Um...

- OK. I'm sorry.
- So good up until...

until you called me
an old, grey, male wizard.

Wizard talk's gone.

- Well...
- All right.

OK, well, um...

- I'd better...
- See you later?

No, no, no.
That was the last...

That was the last time...

- You said that earlier.
- I know.

I know, but your wrist got involved
and I got distracted, so...

Last time. OK.

OK, that's it. And we're done.

It's a clean... clean break.

You know what? Just a finale.

OK. I'll text you.

OK, I'll miss that. I'll miss that.

OK. You go that way. I'll go this way.

Damn it, man.

Oh, my God!

Ohh!

Come on, come on, come on.

Hello?

What are you doing?

I think my forks have oxidised.

I'm just... I'm trying to get it off.

- What are you doing?
- I just had sex in the library.

- What?
- I just had sex in the library.

You had what?

I... I just had sex in the library.

You had sex in a library?

- Frank!
- No, don't tell Frank.

- Deanna just had sex in a public place.
- What? Where?

- In the stacks!
- In her slacks?

No. Shut up, Frank.

Hang on for one second.

You know what? I have to go.
I'll call you later.

Can you believe this, Frank?

Good for Deanna.

Oh, Frank?

Hm?

Why don't we ever have sex in public?

Because, honey,
last time you blew your knee out

and I had to carry you out of Six Flags.

Oh...

But I do like those fuzzy socks.

Oh, Frank.

Thanks for coming, Mom.
Debbie's really freaking out.

It sounded serious.
I'm gonna make my lasagne.

OK...

Hey, Debbie.

Do you think you're ready to maybe
start talking about it now?

She went to a job fair
and now she's all freaked out.

I thought fairs were supposed to be fun.
This one wasn't fun at all.

I don't even know
what I really wanna do with my life.

- Why did I study kinesiology?
- That's uh...

I mean, that's basically
like physical therapy, right?

Kind of, but not as useful.

It's the theoretical study
of human movement.

OK. Wow.

I can see that does feel slightly limited

in employment opportunities.

I took out $45,000 in student loans
and what am I ready for? Nothing.

OK, come on. You can't make
such a big deal out of everything.

Ladies, you gotta have a little faith
in yourselves.

I spent 20 years just giving it all away.
I worried about what other people thought.

I worried about what they thought
I should be doing. Never what I thought.

Look at me now.
I'm living in a dorm with a roommate

that I'm pretty sure watches me
while I sleep.

I got the clothes on my back.
I got nothing.

The last 20 years of my life
have been a real shit show.

Thank you.

Not meaning you... I mean...

You know... You know what I mean.
I just...

Give me those fingers.

Every single little thing about you
is a dream.

I wouldn't change any of that.

The rest, I would like to
rewind that clock

and 20 years ago start speaking up
for myself, so that's my point.

You gals are terrific.
You're not quitters.

I'm afraid I'm never gonna be
in a real relationship.

Amanda! Come on!

- Come on!
- I'm so sorry.

Honey, if you can't use what the good Lord
made you and make that work,

then what the hell hope do any of us have?

- None.
- You're all amazing. I mean, look at you.

You're all lovely here
and you're smart and you're wonderful

and you're weird, in the best, best way.

I just... I mean, if you look...

My God! Look at Carol's legs.

Legs for days.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Just enjoy 'em, for God's sakes.

Just... We all have to realise
everybody's great, right?

And this is good. OK?

And this is good, and this is good,
and these are good.

- And this is... My God!
- Mom, do not touch Amanda's butt!

You know what it makes me think of?

It's like a three-day-old loaf of bread.

It's firmer, but it's kept
its original shape.

Now, I... I think I've just been
looser structurally.

Oh, you know, I could explain to you
the differences in your bodies.

But only as it pertains to movement.

Look what's happening right now.
Look what's happening right...

You're using your degree.

- You're doing it!
- I am.

You guys, there's a party tonight
at Deltas and it's '80s themed.

So, ladies, time to crush a party.

Oh, I brought my dress-up trunk.

I told you we should have done Dynasty.

Why do they all look so good?

- Welcome to the '80s!
- Thank you.

Hey! Theta Gammas!

Hi, there! Oh, well,
I'm not officially a member.

I'm a little too young to join a sorority.

No!

- Don't drink that.
- Oh.

This is a 2017 Italian Chardonnay.

- Jack...
- Yeah, it's truly one of a kind.

Very oaky, very buttery.

Because it was a hot and dry fall
this year in Italy.

So, the grapes are very, very succulent.

Well, far be from me
to turn down a succulent grape.

You're being really weird
with the grape descriptions.

It's lovely. It really is.

Hey, Grandma.

Hey, Jack, could you help me
track down a drink?

OK, Jennifer, there's a keg out back.

There's also boxed wine.

You know what? I think we're gonna go
take a little spin around,

try to figure out who shot JR.

Someone was shot?

No. No! God, no, it's from Dallas.

It's a television programme.

OK, I'll explain it.

Hey, if there's anything else
I can get for you...

Seriously, anything. More wine...

Anything, honestly,
just, just... just let me know.

OK, thanks, Jack.

I love what's left of your top.

Ha!

So, what's your deal, man?

I don't know.

She makes me so nervous. Can you tell?

Yeah.

I know this one.

- No, Mom.
- I know this one.

- Uh-oh.
- Get it!

- Your mom can dance?
- I guess so.

Whoo!

It's a car!

Yeah, I can see that. Yes, Mom!

What a woman!

- You're doing so well!
- I'm so hot.

You know so many moves!

Get back in there. Go get her!

- Oh!
- Boo!

I got hair hit.

I'm good!

I'm so happy you're here.

I am too, honey!

OK.

Hi! You need some friends
and some vitamin D.

OK, pal. Sunscreen's on my desk.

Thank you, best friend.

Come on, girls!

This is our moment!

Oh!

- Hi, Deanna!
- Hi, guys!

Rebecca, I'll see you in lab.

- There she is.
- Hey!

Whoo!

No legs!

Yes!

Hey, Dee!

Have a good day.

Bye, Jack.

Ssh. Be careful.

I can't see out of my holes!

Guys, why did I have to do this?

Just hold her up,
so we can get her head in there.

- Oh, my God!
- Aw, kidnapping?

- No! Leonor!
- Come on.

No!

Hello?

Is there... Oh.

Deanna Miles,
welcome to your trial by fire.

What is that device
that's making your voice so strange?

It's a voice modulator!

Everybody, take off your masks.

Oh, my face got so hot under there.

Oh, God, Debbie,
what's wrong with your face?

Oh, I'm allergic to latex.

Then why would you put the mask on?

- I just wanted to be a team player.
- Oh...

Deanna Miles, are you ready to become
an honorary member of Theta Mu Gamma?

Really? Is that what this is about?

Wow, ladies! I mean, as long as it's...

Is that OK with Maddie?

It was my idea, Mom.

Maddie Miles, please untie your mother.

Am I supposed to act scared
or anything or can I...

- No.
- OK.

- Just be yourself.
- OK.

Thank you, honey.

Linda, please bring forth the candle.

Where's Linda?

Oh.

- Welcome.
- Thank you, Linda.

Now you will be presented
with the sacred paddle.

Welcome, Dee Rock.

Carol, oh, my... your brushwork

is absolutely lovely.

They're actually just stickers, but...

Maddie, please spank your mother
with the ceremonial paddle.

No, I'm not... I'm not paddling my mother.

Oh, come on, Maddie.

Maddie, team player!

You know what? I have to ask.
Has everybody else been paddled?

Because I don't wanna be
the stick in the mud.

Should I crouch? I'm assuming
I should take a crouched position.

I crouched.

I want the full Greek experience
because I've always wondered...

Ow! Ow!

God, that hit bone!

- Mom.
- Maddie!

I'm sorry.

Mom.

Is someone still hitting me?

- I'm not touching you!
- Ohh, I feel it!

They're like phantom pains
except they're real!

Get off of me!

Oh, God.

I thought I was gonna vomit.

No.

I'm sorry...

if I may have raised my voice.

- Are you OK, Dee Rock?
- It's like when you stub a toe.

You just... You skyrocket

and then 30 seconds later,
you didn't lose the toe,

which you swore 30 seconds earlier...

"I'm gonna lose the toe."

Right? We've all been at that bedpost.

- Are you ready to continue?
- I'd love to.

All right.

By the power vested in me by
this great state and educational facility,

I declare you a member of Theta Mu Gamma.

Oh, my gosh!

I just wanna say, I mean, pound sign,
hashtag gratitude.

Right here.

And there's cake upstairs!

Cake!

She's allergic. She...

Honey, you're allergic.

Not tonight!

All right.

Exciting day. Hello to you, class.

I am very much looking forward
to discovering the treasure

of your mid-term presentations.

- You're not gonna laugh at that?
- It's funny.

I'm just... I'm too nervous
about this presentation.

- I can't.
- OK, tell you what.

Why don't we start off with...
No offence to the rest of you!

..my favourite student?

Oh, God. I gotta get some air.

Oh, don't worry about it.
It's me. I'm clearly his favourite.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Deanna Miles,
would you get us started, please?

Oh, God!

I'm um...

- You wanna...
- No.

- I know you're gonna knock our socks off.
- Thank you.

Deanna Miles is gonna start us off,
everybody. Lights.

Ohh!

Oh, I didn't expect that.

Hello.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

I didn't... Is it a crank?

It's a crank.

I'm sorry, I just need to...

We are gonna...

I'm here to... Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Is it part of the core curriculum
that I must use the podium?

Of course not. No, not at all.

OK. I'm going to opt
to not use that.

She's totally pitting out.

She's gonna be fine.

I'm here...

Too loud, too loud.

I'm here to discuss...

not an exciting find
but rather an exciting truth.

The tomb of Attila the Hun,

thought to be in Budapest, Hungary,
in 2014,

but was in fact a hoax.

But how do we know?

How do we know?

Ms Miles, are you OK?

Oh, yes. I'm fine. Just...

You know what? If I could just maybe
get into a couple of those tissues...

Oh, of course.

- I'm sorry.
- No.

You may wanna check with your HVAC guy
because something's going on in here.

- Thank you.
- You've got...

Thank you. That's better.

Tissue.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Historically...

Historically, the Huns have...

Could I just have a small...
small sip of water from someone?

Can I... Do you mind if I just...

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Don't be a dick now.

That is surprisingly challenging my body.

- Wayne!
- Deanna.

Oh, girl.

I think it's OK now.

So sorry for that.

R?mschtein discovered a tomb,

- allegedly that had many human...
- skeletons,

and many various
different kinds of horse skeletons,

ie, carcasses,

to enable them to come into
the next dimension.

Are there any questions...?

- Deanna?
- No. OK...

Ms Miles! Ms Miles!

Dee Rock!

How did I do?

Girl, you sweat through your pants.

Oh, no. I love these pants.

It was the first time I've taken a look
at his entire portfolio.

And I looked at him and I said,
"Tom, your 401 is 401 not OK."

Interesting.

Sounds like a really exciting business.

I'm glad to see you.

- Yeah, me, too.
- I'm glad you called me.

You're being quiet tonight. What is it?

No, I'm enjoying the wine,
and the neat banter.

Oh, my God.
We're too old and boring for you now.

- Don't say that. That's not true.
- I knew it. Don't dump me.

- I'm not gonna dump you.
- I mean it.

I will leave Frank. In a heartbeat.

I don't give two rats' asses
about Amy and Bill.

- Excuse me?
- Your jokes make me wanna kill myself.

They're not very good.

No, they're the worst.

That's... That's fair.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Those pricks are here.
- Who?

- They can't see me.
- Where are you going?

- What are you doing?
- Maybe they're going the other...

I can't believe...
I did not know they were gonna be here.

- Well...
- Here it is. Found my contact.

- Hey, gang. What's the good word?
- Hi!

Oh...

What a surprise!
I didn't know you were here.

- You guys know Marcie, right?
- Yeah.

- I don't think I introduced you.
- Hi. Hello.

Pleasure. It's great.

- What is... What is on your lobe, Dan?
- Oh.

It's an earring.
It works for Harrison Ford.

Sure does.

Harrison Ford blew up the Death Star
and freed a galaxy.

What have you done, Dan?

Six-minute abs. He completed
the 30-day challenge of six-minute abs.

My goal is to have a washboard.

Now, Deanna, what are you up to?
You still pretending to go to college?

Because you know,
Dan can't foot that bill forever.

What was the word we learned in Italy
for "pathetic"?

- I don't remember any more.
- I do. It was Deanna.

Pathetico in Italian. Pathetic, pathetico.

Bill, you look like Orson Welles
had a stroke and stayed that way.

Not the first time I've heard it.

God, I hate him so much.
I hate him so much.

He's hateable.

Deanna, I wanted to speak to you
privately for a second.

No. I don't have any time for you and I
will never have any time for you again.

Fine. I was going to say,
Marcie and I have some big news.

We're getting married next week.

Small ceremony but super classy.

Mazel tov!

Shut up, Bill!

What the hell is wrong with you?

They said they were getting married.
We should... Mazel tov!

Read the room, Bill.

Thank you. That was very kind.

I'm not Jewish, but thank you.

This is a bona fide shit show.

Oh, jeez.

I was hoping for a "congratulations".

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

- Can I get you any starters, appetisers?
- Jack!

- What...?
- Deanna.

Wow, you look... stunning.

Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, um... this is my mom.
- What?

Mom, this is who I was telling you about.
The girl.

- No.
- What?

- No!
- What am I hearing?

What's happening?

Jack, you told me you were seeing
a college girl named Dee Dee.

Yeah, she came to the frat house
and we met at a party.

That's not what you meant.

Oh, gosh!

She had sex with your son!

She had sex with your son
and she called me right after.

Because we are friends!

Oh, my goodness!

Everybody, she slept with her son
in a library!

This is the greatest thing
I've ever been a part of.

- I get it.
- Cheers.

It's just a cruel joke.
It's cruel, and you're right.

You know what? I might deserve it.
I've been rough on you, but come on,

seriously, did you have intercourse
with my son?

Did you?

In terms of your question of like,
did anything happen between us?

Have we slept together?

Yeah. Yeah, we have.

And I rocked... his world.

- Oh, my God!
- Come on.

Well, best night of my life.

I'll drink to that.

All right. Bye, Jack.

Whoa! That's my girl! That's my lady!

Nice to finally meet you, Jack.

I love you!

I love you! You're my hero! Whoa!

I need... I'm gonna check on Dee Dee.

- Dee Rock!
- Dee!

Dee, where are you? Oh, there she is!

- Hi! How are you?
- I heard you had sex in here!

- So good to see you.
- Oh, my God, you guys. Ssh.

- What are you doing here?
- We're here to get you out of here.

No. Why?

Your ding-dong ex-husband's
getting married tonight.

You were here for our girl
when she was freaking out.

You've been there for all of us.

Let us be there for you.

My friend Lance who I was in a coma
with is having a gathering this evening.

His place is kind of a dump,
but it'll be fun!

No. You know what?
I'm pretty much partied out.

I just wanna stay in for the night

- and hit the books.
- Please!

I'm sorry, Dee. I'm sorry.
I'm not taking this.

You should not be alone tonight, so...

- No!
- I'm afraid you don't have an option.

Yeah, this is not like those
other parties. It's jazz night!

OK. You know what?

You're right. If I stay here any longer,

I'm just gonna keep thinking
about that wedding.

Yeah, she's probably getting her dress on.

Hair and make-up, going over her vows.

OK, you know what? Let's just go.

Yeah!

No! No!

Oh...

You know, Lance, I have to say, you know,
you have a lovely, lovely home here.

Are you sure tonight is a party?

Sorry. Lance, what's going on?
Where is everybody?

- You promised me a jazz party.
- I know.

You got people doing role-playing games.
And Tuesday night is jazz.

- Thursday night is role-playing.
- I know. It's my bad.

I tried to combine them
and I'm regretting that choice now

because I feel like
I'm losing the jazz crowd

and I've also lost the role-playing crowd.

Uh. Taking a ding on both sides.

Yeah, it's like a double loss, really.

You know what?
I'm having a wonderful time

and I have to say, uh-oh, I cannot
stay out of this unbelievable choc...

You are quite a gifted chocolatier.
I mean...

- They're really good.
- I don't usually like chocolate.

I just started eating because
I was nervous but it's really good.

It is a weed bark. So, maybe...

I would probably hold off
from having any more.

- Just cos...
- What is it?

I have a medicinal marijuana card
for early-onset glaucoma.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No, it's not.
- Oh, no, it most certainly is.

Lance, damn it! Why'd you put out
chocolate weed bark? You gotta label that.

I am so sorry. It is...

I've had 14. I've eaten a lot of bark.

- I've eaten a lot of bark too.
- So much bark.

So much bark.

I just wanted to hear some Miles Davis,
you know.

I'm sorry.

Is that it? Because I'm starting
to feel a little fungly.

Yeah, it's pretty powerful stuff.

Fungly. Fun-Fungle. Fungl-y.

You have such pretty eyes.

Thank you.

My tongue is so big.

That was recognisable.

Really good jam. I'm just gonna...

- Can I get in here?
- Please.

Oh, it's so comfy.

OK, wait. I...

was thinking about something...

and if I do marry Jack...

No! Just listen. Wait, wait.

That would make Marcie my stepmom...

and that would make Dan my new stepdad.

And then I would have to say things like,
"Nuh-uh, Dan. You're not my real dad.

You can't tell me what to do.

Give me the car!"

Or, wait a minute... Or...

I could flip it.

And I could make peace with Dan.

What a great teaching lesson,
right, that would be for Maddie

to see forgiveness
and truly being the better person.

- That's better.
- You're so smart.

You gotta go to that wedding.

Are we doing it?

Oh, my God. We're doing it!

Dan, when I first saw you,
I thought the kerb appeal wasn't great,

the layout was a bit dated

and the kitchen a little small
for my liking.

Dee Rock, good for you.

You're being the better person.

Thank you. That's the whole plan.

I'm gonna see Dan,
I'm gonna shake his hand,

I'm gonna extend
an olive branch to him and...

What? He... He's taking her name!

Who does...

Men don't do that.

I tried to do that
and he told me it was silly.

That is a very alarming picture.

Hey! I mean, is...

Is that a shot at me?

- Uh... yeah.
- I think so.

Hm.

You know what?
Dan just lost his olive branch.

One second.

Deanna, what the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, Dan.

Marcie... You're...

a big Beetlejuice fan, huh?

Mom!

Hey, honey. That's uh...

I think we may have
just gotten slightly...

You know, I think... I think
if we all kind of work together...

we can have this shipshape and...

you won't even know,
or it will be better.

- Mom, why did you do this?
- Um...

You know, it's a great um... question.

I mean, I actually came here...

fully with the intention
of offering an olive branch.

Then I don't know if it was the crazy
wedding propaganda in the hallway

or, you know, was it
the bark high that I'm on?

Shut up. You are, as of this moment,
completely financially cut off.

- What?
- Not one more penny for you.

- Dad.
- Ssh.

Would it help if I just...

You know, you...

You did a good job.

- It looks good.
- It did.

- It did look good.
- It was pretty.

- I think you all should leave.
- OK.

The other way.

Get out!

Thank you.

The cake was really good.

Oh, you got a blender.

Hey! Look! I got your favourite.

You haven't been returning
any of my calls.

Yeah, I've been pretty busy
destroying hotel banquet rooms

- and crashing weddings.
- OK. I get you're upset.

No, Mom. I don't think you do.

Is this why you went back to college?
So you could act like some dumb frat guy?

Cos I actually thought
you wanted to learn something.

But you've just been getting stoned
and sleeping with guys half your age.

OK, Jack is not half my... age.

Oh, my God, I think
he's less than half my age.

OK, I hear you and you're right.

Which is why I'm leaving school.

What?

I'm gonna drop out of school, honey.

You know, it wasn't that easy for me
getting used to you being here.

And now I actually did
and you're just giving up?

You said the one thing
you regret most in your life

is not finishing school
and now you're gonna do it again?

You know what I regret?

I regret that when you look back
on your senior year of college,

all you're gonna think about
is your mom's crazy mid-life crisis.

That's what I regret.

The worst part is I don't think I was
being a very good mom to you lately.

And I'm so... I'm so sorry about that.

No, it's OK.

It's not OK, actually.

Not one bit. Not with me,
shouldn't be with you.

And I'm... I'm gonna do better.

- I love you, Mom.
- I love you, too.

You're so great.

- What are we gonna do?
- Well...

You can start by drinking that.

Let's go round up the girls and...
tell them all about it.

I don't get it.
Why are you leaving school?

Well, I'm in a bit of a tricky position,
financially.

So, for right now
I can't cover my tuition and it's over.

It's never over!

Was it over when I fell into a coma?

Well, for eight years, it was.

That's an awesome point, Amanda.

But now I'm back and I'm kicking ass.

Just like Dee Rock here.

She's gonna kick ass and graduate
and get a job

and become the next Indiana Jones.

- Come here.
- Please don't go.

You guys, we can't let this happen
to my mom a second time.

She deserves to graduate.
We gotta help her.

OK, in order to finish,
Dee Rock needs in the neighbourhood of...

No, it's almost $12,000.

- Oh, my God!
- I don't have that kind of money.

You know what? This isn't your problem
to solve, ladies. You can let this go!

- Can I say something?
- Yes, Debbie, just say it.

Say it.

OK, we throw a party to raise money
to keep Glenn in school.

Deb, we can't raise that much money
from a party.

We don't throw just any party.

We throw the best party
this school has ever seen.

If we charge $40 a head...

- 1,000 students...
- OK.

..that is $4,000.

- No, it's not.
- No. That's $40,000.

What? Done!

A bunch of kids are not gonna pay $40
to keep some divorc?e in college.

No, but they might pay 20.

Which is $200,000.

No, $20,000.

- Helen, come on.
- No, honey.

But that's way more money than we need
to keep Mom in school.

What do you say, Mom?

- Come on, Glenn.
- Please.

I say you ladies are pretty remarkable.

I mean, to be this age

and to have your whole world
turned upside down

and to come out with friends like you
on the other side

is quite a thing, really.

And I'm proud to be your sister.

And I'm so proud to be your mom
and I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

And I'm so worried about the math skills
in this room.

I don't mean to single you out

but, Helen, I'm staring
right down the barrel at you.

And I'm starting to think that maybe
this party plan just might work!

Come on, Mom.

No! I don't know!

All right, I'm down to clown!

This is going to be epic!

OK. No one wants to show up first
to a party.

I'm sure lots of people are gonna come.

Guess everyone's
at the Christina Aguilera concert.

- What? That's tonight?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. We don't stand a chance.

All right, ladies,

we gotta do something drastic.

Because this is not working.

You know,
I don't wanna be a negative Nelly

but that is a tough pic, guys.

You look happy and scared.

I do, don't I?

- All right.
- I like it.

Screw this. Give me your phone.

Why? What do you want?

I'm gonna tweet out a juicier carrot.

- Maddie!
- You're crazy.

What is it? What did you do?

I just tweeted
to Helen's three million followers

that Christina Aguilera is gonna come
to the party after her concert tonight.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I love Christina Aguilera!

She's the only person
I ever had a poster of.

She's not actually coming, Debbie.

But nobody needs to know that.

How do you have three million followers?

Coma Girl. I'm a medical mystery.

Now, Maddie, I don't know.
There's a real...

fibbing element to that
that I don't like.

Do you think it'll work?

I believed it.

I think it's definitely working.

Hell yeah, it is.

Hey, here you go. Have fun!

Thanks for posting about Christina.
I couldn't get tickets.

- Coma Girl rules.
- Thank you!

All right.

- Thank you.
- It's amazing.

I'm tired of doing this.

No, Helen, we can't all...

Hey! When's Christina getting here?

- Guys...
- Yeah.

Christina's coming.
She's the voice of our generation.

- True.
- We can wait for her.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Mm.

- Oh, it's good!
- It's not bad!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you wanna meet in the garage
in 20 minutes?

- Yes, I do.
- Yes, you would.

No, no, no!

God, make better choices.

Um... hey, come on back.

That popped right out of my mouth

when actually I meant to say
we're not gonna do that.

The... That's... You don't like the wine?

No, the wine is great and...

and you're great and...

I just think
when you meet the right person,

which is not me,

she's gonna be really, really lucky

but I think that we're...

Yeah, we should
just really be good friends.

I don't think I can get on board
with this, Dee.

Well, I think it's for the best.

- OK.
- OK?

Yeah, if you say so.

Hey, Mom, look who's here!

- Hi!
- Hi, what are you doing here?

Well, I started following Coma Girl
on Twitter

and I came to see...

Xtina!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, hi, Jack. I'm Christine.

We met at the restaurant.

- Yeah, hi. I remember you... both.
- My man.

God, I just... I wanna
go back to college so bad.

Just go back to Frank.
Go back to Frank.

Hey, hey! We're here.

Oh, my God! What are they doing here?

I don't wanna be at a party
with my mom and dad.

Yeah, that must be so weird for you, Mom.

- Mom.
- Sweetheart!

Hi. Hey, Dad.

We heard you were having a party.

So I made a taco salad.

Yeah, I told her
a bunch of kids don't want a taco salad.

- I would love to have some taco salad.
- Please, yeah! I love taco salad.

- See, I told you!
- OK. All right.

Your parents?

Yeah. This is my mom and dad,
Mike and Sandy.

- Yeah.
- Hello.

Wow! OK. Um...

Wow! A lovely, lovely couple.

It's... It's such a pleasure to meet you.

You've raised... wow!
What an incredible woman!

Sorry, I'm Jack Strong.

We've been seeing each other
for a little bit now.

Well, I guess we're kind of on a break.
Pretty recent.

But I want you both to know

that I'm gonna take the best care
of your daughter that I can.

- She means the world to me.
- OK.

I uh... I gotta... I have a gun, son.

- OK, OK.
- No.

We're just gonna walk off.

- Are you kidding me?
- All right. No.

Taco salad train. Choo-choo!

Hey, where's Christina Aguilera?

This is false advertising!

Guys, she's coming, OK?

She's gonna be here soon.

Hey, uh... I saw your tweet.

Where's Xtina?

She's not gonna show up, is she?

You guys suck!

If Christina doesn't show soon...

..I'm gonna put your ass in another coma.

Count of three, bitch.

One, two...

Look, honey, we love you.

We want you to graduate.

This is for you.

What is...

- No.
- Yep.

I love you so much,
but I'm not gonna let you

take apart your 401 for this.

I got this.

Honey, come on...

Hey! Hey!

- Eat gluten!
- I ain't allowed to have gluten!

Oh, my God!

Frank, do something!

- What am I gonna do?
- I don't know! Do something.

Come on, girls!

Ladies! Hey! Let's break it up!

You!

Her skull is so strong.

Sweetheart, you were so brave.

That's my brave man. Come on,
let's go make love in the bathroom.

OK. I can't see, so... just lead me.

There we go.

No! Stop fighting, girls!

- Say night-night.
- No! No!

No!

Oh, boy!

- Oh, my God, Mom!
- Dee Dee!

- She got me in the biscuits!
- Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

You punched Dee Rock?
I'm gonna squish you like a grape!

Guys, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! God!

Ladies, we have enough stuff
to worry about as women.

- You shouldn't be fighting each other.
- I'm sorry, Dee Rock.

I'm sorry I punched you
in the mom boob.

- Tell each other sorry.
- I'm sorry, Dee Rock.

Thank you.

Would you care for a Kahl?a and cranberry?

Ew. That...

I would do it. I would do it. Yeah.

- OK.
- OK.

I want one.

Mom, are you OK?

She popped me right in the bosom.

I really got T-boned.

- Oh, Mom.
- You know, what...

What am I doing here?

I'm lying to these kids.
I'm taking their money. I...

I got this.

Hey, everybody, you know what?

Party's over.

Head on back to the door.
We're gonna give you a refund.

Christina Aguilera is in no way...

Can I see you for a second?

God bless!

Leonor or Lenore...

you gotta stop doing that.

Can I see you for a second?

Now is not really a good time.

Outside! Now!

Don't make eye contact.

Look at me. Look me in my eyes.

- Look me in my eyes now.
- Debbie.

I'm scared.

Look. Look, look.

Come outside.

- Let's go!
- If I'm going, you're going.

- I don't wanna go.
- We're stronger as a group.

Leonor.

Leonor, what is going on?

Hey, guys. I'm Christina.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- I love you. I love you so much!
- I love you, too.

How is this happening?

I knew she wasn't playing at your party
cos Christina's my cousin.

We're more like sisters.

She always says that,
but we're just cousins.

Isn't she so funny?

That's what I'm always saying to you.
I'm always saying you're so funny.

I just can't kind of figure out
why you're doing this.

Because you're a good lady.

I mean, you're a sad, older lady

but you're still a good lady
that needs help.

Us ladies gotta stick together.

She filled me in about,
you know, you being here.

- I support your cause. I wanna do this.
- Thank you. God, you're cool!

Where are we doing this thing?

Backyard.
We just put up some twinkle lights.

Love twinkle lights
but I've got my own lights.

Boys, bring 'em out. Let's go!

Donald, Craig, Jerry, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my cousin, Christina Aguilera.

Get it, girl!

Oh, my God!

Yeah! We got it! You got the money!

This is the best night of my life!

Just a minute.

It seems... I got it now.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

May I just have a minute?

I just... I wanted to thank you
for giving me a second chance.

It means a lot to me.

Of course. It's only because
it's a requirement to pass the course.

That and the fact
you're my favourite student.

- Well...
- Break a leg.

- Well...
- Let's hope not.

Yeah, sorry.

Um... Deanna Miles, everybody.

Thank you.

Also, this is here if you need it.

Thank you.

Hello.

March 25th, 2014, historian Albert...

Albrecht R?mschtein announced
that the burial tomb of Attila the Hun

had been discovered in Budapest, Hungary.

Now, the...

- Sorry about your eye.
- Yeah, it's fine.

Hi!

- It's for her.
- That's my mom.

It's important for her.
It's emotional support.

I'll give you five bucks.

OK, thanks. OK.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for the interruption.

- These are my sorority sisters.
- Oh.

Hey. It's me, Helen.

I know.

He knows that.

You got this, Mom.

A group of archaeologists
using carbon dating

proved that the grave was in fact a hoax.

There were so many scientists involved
that it was...

..it was standing tomb only.

Whoo!

Thank you. I wasn't sure about that one.

Now I hope that you're all Hungary...

..for some facts

because I'm about to give you
the thrilla about Attila.

Guys, that's my mom. She's killing it!

Go, Dee!

OK, guys, thanks.

Number one, there was
no Professor R?mschtein.

Complete, complete hoax.

This person didn't exist, PR fact.

I know. I was shocked
when I found out, too.

These young men and women
comport themselves

with astounding grace and wisdom.

Every one of them
brings tremendous pride

to this hallowed institution.

And on a personal note,

I will say that the future of this world
is in pretty good hands.

You may now move your tassels to the left.

Congratulations to Decatur University's
graduating class of 2018.

Whoo!

- Hey, Christine!
- Hey!

- Congratulations!
- Proud of you!

- Thank you.
- I love you.

I love you, too.

Come on.
Let's go make love in the science lab.

OK. Be right back.

OK.

Hey, Mom! Hi.

- I'm so proud!
- Congrats, baby.

- Thank you for coming.
- Look at our girl.

Sweetheart!

- Congrats.
- Thank you, honey.

- I'm ready.
- You look great!

I'm so proud of you guys.

You two have made an old man very happy.

My daughter, my granddaughter,
both got a degree today.

Screw you, Dan!

- Dad!
- Grandpa!

- What?
- Hey.

I'm starving. Can we please
go to Mike and Sandy's house?

You know what?
We'll catch up with you in a minute.

But I just want...
just a moment here with my girl.

- OK, babe.
- Sure, honey.

- Bye.
- You get out.

Look at us! Couple of college grads, huh!

Mom, you did it. You got your degree.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of me, too.

But I'm really proud of you.

I hope you soak it all in.
This is your big day.

I will. Wait, you didn't throw your hat!

I think there were so many people

and I just want to keep it
as a memento for my alma mater.

You can keep it, but you gotta throw it.

- You don't wanna jinx it.
- OK. I don't wanna jinx myself.

- Yeah, already.
- All right, here goes!

Whoo!

- Oh, my God.
- Who did that?

Marcie, the earring. It's gone.

That's a half-carat.

- Don't move.
- You're such a fool.

- We should go.
- OK.

Excuse me!