Life Is Cheap... But Toilet Paper Is Expensive (1989) - full transcript

Kill duck, knife is good.

Duck, no good. Taste good.

We Chinese, 5,000-year culture.

We Chinese are very
particular about our food.

This is the only way to prepare duck...

In Hong Kong,

life, it's cheap.

Toilet paper, expensive.

Stranger in Hong Kong, ain't you?

Hong Kong.

By gum you got to some damn post boots.



The final frontier at the edge of China.

Lizard skins, silver tips.

The crossroad between freedom and money,

where anything goes and everything happens.

You wanna buy a Rolex?

Wanna buy a Rolex?

You wanna buy a Rolex?

Come here.

Come here.

Look at that.

Yeah, you like it?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, but.

That one,

or that one?



You wanna buy a Rolex?

You don't want a Rolls Royce,

you can't take a Rolls Royce into high tea.

Take a mansion, into a restaurant.

Huh?

Yeah.

With a Rollie.

You just travel on and it's
instant status, instant frame.

Look at that, star-studded.

You can take it anywhere with you.

It's portable.

Huh?

You can even strap onto your dick

and tell the girl, it's pussy time.

See that guy over there?

He's got a fake Rollie.

Yeah, I know,

'cause I sold it to him.

Hong Kong,

where anything goes and everything happens.

This is where cowboys rush to pan for gold.

But hell, I'm no cowboy.

I'm just a stable boy at
the Golden Gate fields.

Well, I've always wanted
to see this last outpost

in the Wild, Wild East,

especially since it might disappear

when China takes it back
from the British in 1997.

A courier job came up.

Free plane fare and a hotel room

for hand-carrying some important documents

from San Francisco to a
Big Boss in Hong Kong.

My first contact is some Uncle Cheng.

Make no mistake, Shortie.

I was quite something in my day.

If I were the second best dancer...

no one would dare to be number one.

See these photos?

Every one a champion. My pupils!

You want to learn how to dance?

Well, do you?

Okay, let's start with the waltz.

Fat lady steps out.

Fat lady steps out.

Fat lady steps out.

That's the latest in waltzes.

Like it?

If you don't like this...

I can always teach you something else.

How about this?

I'll teach you sex dancing.

Practical! Useful to know.

Like the sound of that?

You start like this.

Get your shoulders moving,

then give a little jerk.

That's what makes it sexy.

Watch!

This thing has been

like an itch I can't
scratch from the beginning.

This is called sex dancing.

Got it?

A feeling that started

when the head honcho from
San Francisco Chinatown

handcuffed me to the briefcase
I'm supposed to deliver.

And now this old man just won't
give me a straight answer.

How do you think my age?

You guess.

Come on,

what?

50? No.

I tell you the truth, 72.

I'll tell you the principles I live by.

Four important points.

One, respect your elders.

Two, never trust anyone.

Three, keep your eyes, nose,
and ears out of trouble.

The last one.

Must be humble.

Must be humble.

Must be humble.

Now you keep it in your brain.

Never forget of these.

Understand? Okay, okay.

Never trust anyone.

Keep your eyes, nose
and ears out of trouble.

I didn't understand much
of what Uncle Cheng said.

My Chinese isn't too good.

This shit is old news. Why bring it up?

I was a Red Guard then...

...and Grandma was working
the black market.

Once a rat, always a rat.

What should I have done?

Should I lie to my own Big Boss...

...and let you go your own sweet way?

To tell the truth...

if I hadn't told him...

...someone else would have.

Bosswoman!

Don't fucking call me that!

When I'm dead, I'll come back to haunt you!

Go pester someone else!

Excuse me.

You okay?

Sure, I'm a dickless traitor.

So go ahead and fuck me!

Or are you fucked right out?

What?

Fuck off! Call later!

Big Brother, this guy's
brought something for you.

What you want?

This is for Mr. Lo.

What is it?

Special delivery from San Francisco.

Mr. Lo.

My boss.

Not in Hong Kong.

Hol-i-day. You know?

Okay.

Give me.

I have to deliver this personally.

Not my lucky day!

Just now I had that bitch
farting on my face.

Saying I ratted on my own grandma.

Now I get a little jerk
who doesn't give me "face."

What have I done to deserve this?

I love my grandmother.

I was...

But I was a Red Guard!

A Red Guard! You know what that means?

My grandmother. Sell black market.

She traded goods on the black market!

This wrong.

Counter-revolutionary activities...

So I reported her...

and she was sent for "re-education."

I must fuck my...

Shit, I must fuck my grandmother.

Do you understand?

I had to turn her in.

I'm sorry, I still can't give you this.

I'm fucked if I care.

You can my boss yourself.

I don't care.

I work for my boss 10 years,

huh?

He's my Big Boss.

It's my title.

I never fuck him!

Everybody's leading me

around in circles.

First Uncle Cheng tells
me the big boss is sick.

Then the Red Guard tells
me he's really on holiday.

Then I find out the big boss is mixed up

in Chinese mafia stuff,

and there's a power struggle
in his organization.

Geez, I wish I could read Chinese better.

The only thing I can make out

is that the woman at the dubbing studio

is his mistress and is somehow involved.

Her name is Money,

as in not for free.

Now the Big Boss just
sent me an invitation.

Turns out his daughter's getting married,

and I'm invited to the engagement party

her godparents are throwing.

Nobody told me I was supposed to wear pink.

Chinese believe in destiny.

And Chinese also believe that
marriage is made in heaven.

I'm 36 years old.

One day my mom called up and
said I should be married.

So I came back to Hong
Kong for Chinese New Year

and met Ying Ying.

Our families' ties go back
many generations.

We're destined to meet no matter what.

My father, he had six wives,

and then of course you know

only one head wife and five concubines.

And I'm the daughter from
his youngest concubine,

who is also,

who was also a favorite one to my father.

And then it happened
to be my eldest sister,

that was my sister from the

second wife of my father

was the godmother of my husband, Hai Fong.

And her half sister really.

But Chinese, we don't call half sister.

As long as the children
are from one father,

they're all called brother and sisters.

So her elder sister went
to school with my mother.

Like them, this was destined in Heaven.

Who could doubt...

...that our fates are ruled by the stars?

What could possibly work better...

...than a marriage planned like this?

Of course, love will come slowly.

But our parents' happiness
must come first, right?

Nothing matters more than
respect for parents!

Unfilial kids can expect a visit
from the Thunder God...

...and lightning will strike them down.

My son-in-law...

He has a U.S. PhD...

...and is an American citizen.

She'll be going back to the States with me

after the wedding.

I will help him to dig up graves.

In a manner of speaking.

You see, I'm an anthropologist

documenting a specific species of fish,

which Chinese have consumed
historically in America.

It's really fascinating.

A search along the railroads
looking for fish bones.

There's a unique way that
we Chinese consume fish.

We eat everything including the head.

By finding the fish bones,
I can then document

set locations where we Chinese
have traveled in America.

I'm very pleased to have been invited

to appear in the Robin Leach program,

the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

And many Chinese from America

told me that they have
enjoyed this program,

and they congratulated us because we were,

my husband and myself,

are the first couple who
appear in this program.

I think long ago

Chinese people misjudged by Westerners,

and they were given the role of a bad deal,

or Charlie Chan or some
sort of Chinatown stuff.

I just don't understand why Chinese people

are not featured in glamorous shows

such as Dynasty or Love Boat.

After all, there are many super rich

and beautiful Chinese people around.

I'm going to America to dig that fish.

They'll go on honeymoon.

And my daughter will settle in America.

Which reminds me, my dear brothers...

I don't care what others say about us.

All that matters is your judgment of...

...these rumors about our family.

I consider the whole matter closed.

Then Big Brother Lo is truly a Big Boss.

I couldn't get close to the Big Boss

most of the night.

And when I finally did,

he didn't want to hear about the briefcase.

He said he had no heart for business

because Chinese weddings and
revolutions make him cry.

Instead, he told me a bad joke.

Why did the Chinese
father kill the chicken?

To scare the monkey.

I don't get it.

Why won't he take the briefcase?

It's supposed to be full
of important documents.

I hope so.

I told those guys I wouldn't carry drugs.

Stranger in Hong Kong? Huh?

Must fuck you.

Don't be fool.

Things ain't what they seem to be.

God eyes cannot see.

I know.

I've been here 30 years.

Hello?

My name is Kitty.

Call me Kitty Cat.

Okay?

You like pussy?

What can I do for you?

Can I help you?

Your friend asked me to come,

to serve you.

You want to play with my titties?

You want the hand job?

You want the blow job?

You want the hot tea

in my mouth?

I don't do anything sick.

Don't kiss on mouth.

Don't suck my toe.

This is sick.

I don't like.

Last week the two men
want to fuck me together.

But I don't like.

I say, "no".

One is okay.

Two is "no",

but they did me all the way.

They hurt me.

They beat me.

I still got scars.

Do you want to see my bruised anus?

But what really get me mad.

They do everything to me, everything,

but they no pay me.

I don't care what anything they do to me,

and they should to pay.

This is not right.

You know I have no money now.

I pay all my money for my dental bill,

because the men beat me.

They beat all my teeth.

It's very expensive for the dental bill.

You know?
- Mm-hm.

Also, my mother died.

Your mother died.

I don't believe a word she said,

but it's a good story, anyway.

Come on, motherfucker.

Come on!

New Entry

Ah good, let's go.

Shit, this is not my car.

Don't worry, I got only 160
bucks per day, so it's okay.

Shit.

Shit.

I know what you're thinking.

It's easy, right?

No, all the roads are indirect.

There's no direct route.

All the roads are crazy.

This one is one way and the
other one is nonstop dead end.

Do you understand?

Yellow lines, everything.

I got to take the wrong roads

before I get to the right place.

Huh? You understand?

Foreign devil?

Huh? You understand?

I got to get a drink, no.

Ah shit.

What happened today?

This is only 160 bucks per day.

What do I care?

Mm.

Fuck you.

Hey.

Fuck it.

Hey, what're you doing? What?

Fuck you.

Fuck your mother!

Fuck your mother! What?

Look at this asshole.

They don't look left.

They don't look right.

All they know is drive straight ahead.

They see an opening.

They get it.

They don't goddamn care about nobody.

This is just like

Rambo versus Road Warrior.

Terminator.

Terminator.

It's Rambo versus Road Warrior.

This is cash flow, Hong Kong.

You know? You understand?

Huh? Huh?

You understand, foreign devil?

I called the Big Boss's office

to find out what's really going on.

I think I talked to the fax machine.

I guess I'll try and see Hong Kong again.

This time I'll walk.

I think it's safer.

Too many questions.

Not enough answers.

I gotta find out when am
I gonna get outta here?

Ah, hello.

What can I do for you?

You know how to sing?

I think you don't know,
but I can teach you.

You know, Elvis?

In America,

King.

I am also

the Elvis of the Orient!

He's the best, but I'm not bad too.

You know that?

Alright, I sing to you.

Now listen.

Everybody dance...

Everybody dance...

You and me and him, too...

Strut your stuff. Flip your lid...

Don't hold back...

Don't hold back...

Keep on keepin' on...

Bop till you drop!

Elvis is coming!

The King Cat is coming!

Movin' and shakin'...

No-one can touch him...

Don't stop dancin'...

Dance and make love...

Love you, love him.

'Till it's all shook up...

Make love with jive talk...

All shook up!

And then it's back to dancing!

This is the singing.

You get it?

Remember what I taught you.

Remember what I tell you.

You understand? Do you understand now?

I told the dancer

no more dance lessons,

that I want some straight
answers out of him.

I asked him what the bloody
handkerchief was all about.

First, he told me to mind my own business.

Then he said, money gets
bad nose bleeds, that's all.

I said, enough of this bullshit.

I just want to get the
briefcase thing over with.

So he tells me,

in Hong Kong everything happens

when it's supposed to happen.

This is the most
beautiful view of Hong Kong.

Over there you can see towers.

Over here, you can see central.

Over there you can see Love Pond.

So can you all see that?

Okay, just move a little bit.

And give me a big smile, okay?

One, two, three.

That's good.

We have another one, okay.

Hey!

Where you going with that?

Hey, come back here!

Come back here right now!
Hey, that's not nice!

Fuck.

You motherfuckers!

In Hong Kong, life is cheap,

toilet paper, expensive.

Five and a half million
sitting ducks in Hong Kong.

Did you know they were kidnapped

by the foreign devil of the west?

Come in with a long barrel shooting.

Before you know it, sitting
duck's got a white stepfather.

Now the Chinese father says,

"I want you boy,

I want you back".

It's Chinese New Year's Eve, 1996.

You will be there.

The red dragon rise.

Is it the second coming?

Will the armies gather and make Armageddon?

Is it the real Super Bowl?

Hey, dickface, did you skip breakfast?

Put some guts into it!

Right, it's my fault.

My problem is,
I got nothing except my honor.

Not good for anything except my kind heart.

Big Brother!

This guy's trying to watch you take a shit!

You like the smell of my shit?

Never seen anyone shit before?

You're sick.

Talk English?
Okay, I'll talk English to you.

You the man with briefcase.

You sick.

Shut up!

I tell you,

you are in wrong place at wrong time again.

I must make you example.

I must fuck you.

Money came to the hotel.

I wonder what she's after.

I asked her if she was
in some kind of trouble.

No, she said, but her face said different.

I asked her about the bloody handkerchief,

and I told her I already heard
the one about her nosebleeds.

The truth was the Big Boss's daughter

tried to slash her wrists,

and it was Money's handkerchief
that stopped the bleeding.

I tried to cheer her up

by telling her all my bad jokes. Nothing.

Then I told her about my nightmare.

I told her about losing the briefcase.

"Simple", she said.

"Just replace it and nobody
will know the difference."

I had my first good time in Hong Kong,

but something makes me really uneasy.

Weird.

I told the Big Boss in
person I lost the briefcase,

and he didn't seem very upset about it.

Actually, I detest horses.

Can't stand their stench.

They're temperamental, too.

But then, so am I.

Sometimes I get so angry,
I want to blow their brains out!

The business with the
briefcase doesn't matter.

Nothing much in it anyway.

But, these photos of Money
and you... they won't do.

Tell him what happened to Mr. Chiu.

My boss say to you a
story about his friend.

My boss friend, he went to charity ball,

the biggest in Hong Kong.

Everybody in there very important.

His servant tie his tie.

A bow tie,

butterfly.

But make dimple wrong.

At the party,

the guard notices him,

in front of everyone, he corrects his tie.

The man lost his face very bad.

Next day, the servant

go to work,

his pin is tie

in butterfly bow.

Donald wouldn't like it here very much.

That slow draining into unconsciousness.

I think I'm gonna skip dinner,

but I sure could use a drink.

You are drunk on honey sweet wine.

I am drunk on your charm so fine.

Passions are stronger than wine.

How can I make you understand?

Sentiments are sweeter than wine.

How can I make you care?

I truly love you.

It matters not if you love me.

It matters only that I love you.

I don't care if you love me or not.

You can call me romantic,

but I know he still love me
very much and I still love him.

True love never dies.

Six months ago...

I heard from the friend of a friend...

...that my old boyfriend Danny,

who left me years ago,
is now living in Toronto.

So I'm going there
tomorrow to surprise him.

Wish me luck.

Thank you.

Thank you everybody

for sharing this very
special evening with me.

I love you.

Why,

goodbye.

Her boyfriend

doesn't even know she's coming,

but she doesn't care.

She knows what she's in for, at least.

I don't know anything,

except that I'm in serious trouble.

I need a translator,

and it's not just because
of my bad Chinese this time.

I love you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Men always talk of honor and loyalty...

...when all they really want to do is fuck.

All their talk is just kids play.

"Beware of him who calls ye brother."

I know at a glance...

...whether a man wants to piss or shit.

But me, I'm trouble.

I've always spelt trouble for men.

Two of them conked out...

...right after I spread my legs for them.

Two in a row! Serves them right.

But it didn't do me any good.

People badmouthed me.

All the old superstitions came out.

They nicknamed me, "Chopping Block."

Guys were so scared of me,
their cocks shriveled up!

But...

No problem with the Big Boss, though.

A fortune-teller said...

...a "Chopping Block" would bring him luck.

He's fated to draw strength
from bad things.

So while others scramble
for lucky-number plates...

...he goes for unlucky numbers.

At least, so people think.

In bed, his cock shriveled like the others.

Everyone thinks he really fucked me!

"Superman survives the Chopping Block."

What the fuck!

I reckon it suited both of us fine.

So I went along with it.

My weakness is that...

I'm hung up on love.

You only live once.

And I need love to get through life.

I really love his daughter.

And she really loves me.

We're good together.

Guys can only envy us.

Serves them right!

Don't fucking preach to me!

The lesbian romance must have started

a pretty big scandal,

enough to shrivel the Big Boss's reputation

as the biggest cock in Hong Kong.

That's why he engineered

the hasty marriage for his daughter.

I've always put my true feelings first.

But in Hong Kong, that's not easy.

I've had to fight against the pricks
here as much as I could.

You shouldn't get involved
with my problems...

Leave now.

Get out while you can.

Or they'll cast you as my lover
and punish you.

I used to be a pianist.

No piece was too difficult for me to play.

Chopin's "Revolutionary Etude,"
for instance.

Playing it takes perfect coordination...

...between the two hands.

Many pianists never perfect
the left-hand part.

At 17, I played this difficult
Chopin piece.

Movement.

I won China's top prize for young pianists.

But, during the Cultural Revolution...

...you know what happened.

They made me play propaganda music.

I refused.

They called me a bourgeois lackey.

A counter-revolutionary.

I was sent to the cowsheds.

And then, when the
diplomats came calling...

...they brought me back.

Told me to play Chopin for the foreigners.

I wasn't willing to act out a lie.

Nor to bury my own conscience.

So I cut off my left arm.

The pianist gave up his hand

to keep his honor,

but he ended up getting fucked.

I kinda feel for the guy.

Money's a tough gal.

I like her.

While I'm willing to
take a public punishment

so that the Big Boss can save
his reputation as super cock.

If it means that he'll cut off all ties

with Money from here on out,

what the heck?

As an old whore once said,

if not me, then who?

You may be boss of your own trail,

but the trail you take may
not be your own choice.

Sometimes you'll have
to take the shit's trail.

It's the only way out.

Don't worry, young fellow.

All of us, sometime or
another have to take it.

My great granddaddy

had to take dung tea for constipation,

and we had to burn cow chips

to keep from freezing in the winter.

American wheat grown on American prairie

that was once knee deep in buffalo shit.

The shit's trail

is good shit.

Big Boss Lo, you are too modest.

Who doesn't know the strength
of Shanghai gangs?

I'm old now.

You youngsters are giving me "face."

All I ask...

is that my brothers take care
of their old friend.

Big Boss Lo, we don't count.

You don't need to give us "face!"

I'm just living on my old reputation.

The future belongs to you!

Let's raise our glasses to Big Boss Lo.

Your health!

Big Boss!

No, you're the real Big Boss!

I'll drink first as a token of my respect.

Your health Big Boss!

I'll drink, too.

You've all given me "face."

And now it's time for me to prove
that I'm worthy of your esteem.

Please be seated.

You, sit.

There are some things I must say first.

Triad Brothers are loyal...

...are righteous in their entrails!

They honor the laws of lakes and the seas.

Without our laws, we'd be nothing.

Now, Chinese Triads...

...have stretched their grip
across the world.

We are famous.

All eyes are on us.

What makes us strong?

The code of honor handed
down by our ancestors!

Are you all with me?

You alone can lose your honor.

It's others who give you "face."

A family must keep its affairs in order.

Now learn this lesson...

...and go home a proud Chinese!

Teach the foreigners to give us "face."

Hey,

it's good shit.