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Life Hack (2016) - full transcript

A humorous cautionary tale about cyber threats in America.


- Uh, I'm sorry, this is taken.

This spot's taken.

I'm just, I'm saving this spot.

- What?

- My friend's around the corner.

She'll be here in a second.

- No, you can't save a spot though.

- I'm sorry, she's gonna be
here in like two seconds, I'm.

- She's not here now,
so it doesn't matter.

You can't save this spot.

- Sorry.

- You gotta move out of the way.

- Ah, no.

I'm not moving.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- Look, you gotta move out of the spot.

There's traffic coming, please move.

- [Woman] I'm sorry.

- Hey.

Look, you can't fucking save a
parking spot like this, okay?

It's a first come, first served basis.

- Well I was here first.

- Without a fucking car, okay?

You don't have...

Look, I'm not moving my
car and your friend's not

gonna be able to park around me.

So, move out of the spot.
- Come on man.

Come on.
- I'm gonna get back

in my car and I'm gonna, I'm gonna park

in this spot right now.

- Uh, please don't.
- Move.

I'm parking right now, okay?

So if you want to get hit.

- I'm not moving.
- Then you're gonna

stay there and if you want to not get hit,

then you're gonna move.

- I'm gonna stay, I'm not moving.

Stop.

Stop.

- [Man] I'm, I'm parking.

- Hey, dude stop your
fucking car, you're gonna.

Whoa hey (hand thudding)
you just fucking hit me.

- [Man] I'm still parking.

- Shit.

What is wrong with you?

- [Man] You're standing,
there's cars try to get by

and I'm doing a shitting

parking job
- Yeah, I know.

You're like an asshole.
- 'cause your fucking

distracting me.

Can you shut up please?
- Fuck.

- Jesus Christ.

Do I have a lot of room in the back?

(Woman scoffs)

- You know you actually hit
me with your car asshole.

- Yeah, uh yeah.

I don't think that's actually
considered hitting you.

- How about we just ask a cop

and see what he thinks.

- Oh yeah, I think that's a good idea.

And then he's gonna tell
you that you deserved it

for illegally trying to save a spot.

- Oh I deserve it?

- Yeah.
- Oh how about

you deserve to get your
car keyed, how about that?

- Is that a threat?

You're gonna key my car?
- Yeah.

It's just the reality of the situation

- You're gonna key my car?
- that's all.

- Alright, well if that's the case.

- [Woman] Did you just take my picture?

- Yeah, I took your fucking picture.

- [Woman] Seriously?

- If you fuck with my
car, I'm coming after you.

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

- Oh okay, great.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna like track
me down with a picture?

Is that what you're gonna do?
- Yeah, that's exactly,

you ever heard of search my image?

Do you know what that is?

Of course you don't,
'cause you're an idiot.

It does a picture match.

It's actually not that hard
and you seem like the type

of person who posts a thousand
selfies all over the place.

I'm gonna find you.

If you fuck with my car I'll find you.

- Okay, okay.
- I'm dead serious.

- Whatever.
- You fucked with

the wrong guy.
- Oh really, did I?

- Yeah.
- I'm, woo.

- Don't get, go down the fucking block.

This spot's taken, sucker.

- Clearly.

Bye.
- Bye.

- [Woman] Bye.

- What happened?

(suspenseful music)

(keys scraping)

What are you doing?

Uh, what was that?

- [Woman] Just drive.

- You know what you got to do?

I know you pride yourself
on not using dating sites,

but you gotta get on Tinder.

(snickers)
What?

- What do you know about Tinder?

- Oh, I know about tinder.

I wish it were around when I was single,

that's what I know.

Dude, you gotta just, it'll
help you get back in the saddle.

Get back on that horse buddy.

You're curious, aren't you curious?

- No, I'm good.

Really, really I'm good.

- [Plaid Shirt Man] You're not good.

- I am good.
- You're a sad sack.

- I'm not.
- You're a sad sad person.

You are.

Divorce is not that bad buddy.

- Oh really?

- It's not, you don't have kids.

Imagine if you had kids.

Then you'd have to see that fucking bitch

every God damn week.

- Alright alright.

- I'm just saying, the
kid is the ring, okay?

I love my kids and I love my wife

but coming to work is a God damn vacation.

What is, what is this, Aruba?

Are we in fucking Bora Bora here?

I don't want this lunch to ever end.

- Well I think Bobby will be joining

in your misery pretty soon.

- You think that's what he's gonna say?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Sarah's pregnant?

- Yeah, I'm assuming.

What else could it be?

- I don't know.

Maybe he's dying of cancer.

- Why, why do you say shit like that?

Why would you say that?

That's a horrible thing to say.

- What, that's not a horrible to say.

- [Blue Shirt Man] That is absolutely

a horrible thing to say.

- Why is it a horrible thing to say?

- Because what if he is dying of cancer

and then that's what he's gonna tell us.

- Well he didn't get cancer because I said

that he had cancer.

And this way, listen,
we'll be more equipped

to deal with it, 'cause
we already anticipated it.

Here he is, here we go.

- Hey.
- Hey buddy.

- Hey, what's going on man?

- What's up guys?

- Everything alright?

You doing okay?

- No, no, everything's not alright, okay?

This is the absolute most
fucked up thing ever.

- [Blue Shirt Man] What?

- Have you guys ever heard
of a guy called the Moraler?

(chuckling)

- Moraler.

- No, no, the Moraler.

- The hacker?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's the Moraler.

- Okay, so you know of him then?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- And, (clears throat)
do you know what he does?

- Yeah.

- No,
- No.

- [Plaid Shirt Man] fucking way.

Are you serious?

- No, did, did he get into your phone?

Were you sexting with Sarah
and sending her dick pics?

Was she sending you pics?

- Worse.

- You got pictures of Sarah naked?

- [Bobby] No.

- [Plaid Shirt Man]
Naked pictures of Sarah?

Can I see 'em?

- [Bobby] Worse.

- Whoa dude, did he spy on you?

- Yup.

- No.
- Oh no.

- Oh my God, did he catch you jerking off

in front of your computer?

- Why don't you just say
it a little bit louder?

I don't think they heard
you in the fucking kitchen.

Yeah.

Okay?

And he recorded me and the video

that I was watching at the same time,

so he's got this dual
camera sort of effect.

- Holy shit.
- What were you watching?

- Okay, that's not important, alright?

- Alright, so look tell,
tell us the whole thing.

He hacked into your computer
and he accessed your webcam.

Was he targeting you specifically?

- I don't, I don't know.

- Dude, he recorded you
and what you were watching,

and then what, sent you
an email like anonymously?

- Yeah, that's exactly what he did.

- Can we see it?

- No.

- No, not the, not the video.

I don't want to see that.

(laughing)

- You didn't?

- The email.

- Oh.
- You're supposed

to being like that.

- So threatened to post it
on every social media site

that I'm on, as well
as send it to everyone

in my address book,
unless I pay him $25,000.

(exhales sharply)

(woman moaning)
(laughs)

- [Bobby] What are you two doing?

Come on, give me.

- Ooh.
- What are you guys doing?

You guys are dicks.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

- That is such a graphic
shot of your penis man.

That's really graphic.

- Did you notice that?

- So well do you have $25,000 to pay him?

- No, you guys can't help me with this?

You guys are fucking computer programmers.

- What do you think we're able to do?

- This is what you do, right?

- Um.

- You guys are ex-hackers.

I mean, you guys are one step
away from being this guy.

You gotta at least know
someone that can get to him.

Don't you do um,

like corporate security?

Can't you, can't you
like but a block on my

- That's not really

how it works.
- address? (sighs)

- Yeah, but I'm assuming he's
already got all that stuff.

- Oh, you're assuming.

Well you know what
happens when you assume.

- No, don't say that.

That doesn't make any sense.

The ass out of you and me,

that's the stupidest fucking saying ever.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's not clever.

Don't say it.

Assuming is what you're
supposed to do most of the time.

- That's one of his things.

- Look, please.

You guys have to help me.

I can't afford to pay
this fucker $25,000 okay?

I don't have $25,000 laying around.

Plus, I really cannot
have Sarah finding out.

- Why?

- Who gives a shit?

She knows you jerk off.

- Yeah, but she doesn't know I watch porn.

- That's bullshit, she knows.

That's naive.

- Seriously, she doesn't like me thinking

about other women sexually, okay?

- Well what does she think
you're thinking about?

- Her.

Okay, she thinks I masturbate to her.

- Oh, that's the cutest thing.

- Guys, look just.
- Adorable, just sweethearts.

- You guys please have
to help me, okay, I.

- Hey listen, we're gonna.

We'll, we'll do whatever we can.

- Really, seriously?
- Yeah, of course.

- Thank you. (scoffs)

- Yeah, I mean I, we'll
we'll find some way to.

- Something.
- Drive this guy, you know.

- But just listen, in the video,

were there shemales, was there a dick

on that chick?
- Okay, I'm not gonna

talk about that ever again.

(laughing)

- [Plaid Shirt Man] It's
alright to talk about.

- No, it's not.

- Listen to me.
- We're gonna erase it.

- I get off to anime.

- [Bobby] Oh, fun.

- Charlie?
- I like furries.

- Okay, this isn't helping guys.

(suspenseful music)

- Shit.

Alright, let's find this chick.

(door sensor chimes)
- What's up fellows?

- [Charlie] How's it going guys?

- I was just thinking
about you the other day.

Emily came in with a new guy.

- Oh yeah, who's the guy?

- Alex um,

something, he used to work at ITC.

- He's a computer guy?

- That's the kinda guy he likes.

- Maybe he's the Moraler.

- The Moraler.

- I thought it was the Moraler.

- Yeah, it's the Moraler.

- What do you know about him, anything?

- Oh, nothing much.

- Just what we read online.

- Do you have any idea who he might be?

- No.
- Nobody does.

- He's he's local though.

You know, the only confirmed traces

have come from hotels in Brooklyn.

- [Blue Shirt Man] Mostly Williamsburg.

- Of course.

- What do you guys want with the Moraler?

- Well we know somebody
who he's trying to extort.

- What did he catch him doing?

- Well he was, you know,
liquidating the inventory.

- He was stealing?

- (chuckles) No, you know,
taking Herman to the circus.

- What?
- He was playing Uno.

A little Johnny Slip Mittens.

He was shucking his corn.

Doing the old Yankee Doodle Handy.

- Masturbating.
- Masturbating.

- Oh.
- Why didn't you just say that

in the first place?

(laughs)
- It could've saved us all.

- You guys with the fucking
problem with the synonyms.

- Well anyway, anyway,
this guy is a hypocrite

because he's--

- What, the Moraler or masturbating?

- No, the Moraler
- Okay.

- because he's a religious fundamentalist.

- Like ISIS?
- Why the hell is he spy?

Well maybe the Christian
cyber version of it,

but why the hell is he spying
on people masturbating?

- [Man With Glasses] Well
like, he's like punishing them.

To him, it's a sin.

- It's like 99% of the whole world.

- Well 99% of guys.

It's probably like, it's like

50% of women.
- No.

- Right?
- No.

- Women,
- 50%.

- women masturbate just as much as men do.

- 50%.
- Come on.

You are naive.
- Sticking to my guns.

- You're a little kid.

- It's 50, it's 50%.

Anyway, the reason why
they call him the Moraler

is because he abides by
this like moral code.

If you pay up, he's never gonna
post that video online ever.

- That's not a moral code,
that's Extortion 101.

If he posted videos after people paid,

then nobody would ever pay him.

- How do you know?

Do you know somebody that's paid him?

- Uh, you know, just we've read like some

anonymous posts on Bee.

- From people that have
been blackmailed and paid?

- I mean, I don't know, that's.

I don't know what else to tell you.

- At this point, somebody
has to know who he is.

So if you guys, just do me a favor

and like ask around, ask your customers,

see if anybody knows
- Oh, there's no way.

how to find him.
- Nobody knows.

- But would you just ask around.

You don't have to just
immediately shut that down.

- Larry down at Comp Shop.

He's like really plugged into the scene.

People say he's like a cyber genius.

He's really, he's tapped in.

- Larry's a douche bag,
he doesn't know shit.

- I didn't say he wasn't a douche bag.

- He doesn't know anything, he's a talker.

He doesn't know anything.

- Well our buddy's pretty desperate, so.

- We'll try anything.
- Yeah, we'll try it.

Thank you guys.

- Absolutely.

That's why I always put a
piece of tape on my webcam

when I'm a, you know, doing my thing.

- That's,
- Taking Herman to the circus.

- that's a good idea.

♪ Look at me as I sit here crying ♪

- I got one here.

You think I'm more a classy bitch

or a sporty as fuck?

- Definitely a classy bitch.

- Right?
- Absolutely.

- I'm sporty but I'm don't
think I'm sporty as fuck.

- No, I think takes something else.

- You don't think I could
pass as Hispanic, do you?

- Mm.

- I got a spray tan?

- [Blonde Woman] I think you
could totally do that actually.

I would love to see one student film

that didn't require nudity.

- No more student films.

Uh oh, this one's called Pussy Willows.

I don't know.

It's a web series.

Yup, must be comfortable
with a small group sex scene.

Maybe I should try to
get on a reality show.

(suspenseful music)

- Look at this, nanny's taking a nap.

Paying her to sleep.

That's great.

- Does she know you have
surveillance cameras in your place?

- No.

- Why not?

If she knew you could see her,

then she probably wouldn't
be taking naps all the time.

- But I want to see who she really is.

- Well that doesn't make sense to me.

- Why?

- That just seems a little.

- If she knows I'm watching
then she'll do the work,

but if she doesn't know I'm watching

and she does the work, then I
know she has good work ethic,

she's a good person.

- Did your wife buy you that shirt?

- [Bearded Man] Yes, she did.

- Where is it?

- Where's what?

- I was just looking for
the cute little lunch pale

that you should carry around.
- I hate you so much.

Yeah, I just came back from recess.

- [Charlie] Yeah, you know it's bad right?

- [Bearded Man] I know, it is bad yeah.

(Charlie clears throat)

Are you Larry?

- Yeah.

- [Bearded Man] We're
wondering if you can--

- Didn't tell me your name.

- I am, I am Jack.

- I don't give a fuck what your name is.

It's just you didn't tell me your name

and how you know my name.

- Well right, this is

- Charlie.
- Charlie.

- Okay, can you help us?

We're looking for the Moraler.

- Oh, oh yeah, yeah.

So like, did he catch you
guys jacking each other off?

- No.
(Charlie clears throat)

No, uh.

- It's fine, it's alright if you did.

- Right, and you know, I
mean absolutely, but we--

- No, it's cool.

- But it wasn't us.

It was a friend of ours.

- (laughs) No, no, I get it, I get it.

It was a friend.

Standing next to you. (clicks tongue)

It's alright, it's cool.

- Alright seriously, do you know anything?

- I don't know.

I might.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- That means why the fuck
would I help you guys out

even if I did?

- What, what, why wouldn't you?

- Because what am I getting out
of this by telling you shit?

- What are you, shaking us down?

- What, are you shaking us down? (laughs)

Are you shaking us down? (laughs)

Yeah right, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm shaking you down.

- You being facetious?

'Cause it seems to be what you're doing.

- It's the word that yuppies usually use

when they're trying to
sound sophisticated.

Say that word again, say it for me.

Just say, say facetious.

- Say facetious, say facetious?

- No no, not like facetious.

Say it like you said it before.

- Say it like that?

- You just said facetious.

- He didn't say it like that.

- No, he said facetious.

That's right, you were like,
hey man, is this a shake down?

Like what are you trying,
oh you being facetious?

- I sound like that?

- Isn't it weird saying
the word, facetious.

- It sounds weird when you say it, yeah.

- Facetious.

- I'm not clear on what's happening here

but can you just tell us
what you're asking for?

- I don't know man, I'm just looking

for a little motivation.

- Motivation, how, what money?

You want money?

- Let's start off by just admitting

why you two gentlemen
really want to find him.

Because he caught you two
guys jacking each other off.

He did.
- No, that is not

what happened, for real.

- [Charlie] You think we're lying to you?

- Oof.

- You want us to lie to you?

- [Larry] I want you to tell me the truth.

- We're telling you the truth.

- [Larry] I want you to tell me the truth.

- [Charlie] What do you
want me to say to you?

- I want you tell me

the truth.

- Alright you caught us.

- [Jack] Yup.

- We got caught jerking each other off.

- Oh, that is so gross.

- Great, so now you owe
us some information.

- I don't know shit about the Moraler

but you guys finally came out.

I think this is a big step for you guys.

Why do you think that I
have some mystic knowledge

about this guy that nobody
knows about? (laughs)

You think you're the first ones

to come in here asking about him?

- Wait, how many other people have?

- One, two, four, five, six,

nine, 10, 11, 14.

It's like five or six.

- It's okay, what did they do?

- You know, I actually don't know.

I lost touch with them
after our first and only

interaction in our lives.

- You're a fucking asshole, you know that?

- You don't think this is by accident?

I have honed this skill, to get to this

professional level of assholism.

I have worked hard at this.

- Look man, you've really succeeded.

- You have two options.

You can pay him or you can
deal with the consequences.

You're not gonna find him.

The cops are sure as hell
aren't gonna find him.

This hasn't gone federal
yet, there is nothing.

There's nothing that you guys can do.

- Okay.
- Alright.

- Except make my day
better, which you have.

My God, it was just great
having you guys in here.

- [Jack] Big help.

- I, no, thank you.

- Right, thank you man.
- You guys were a big help.

- Alright.
(Larry chuckles)

- Jerk off.

- Okay, Salmu take in the middle Irene.

- Wu wu wu wu wu wu wu wu.

- Wu wu wu wu wu wu wu wu wu.

- [Teacher] Now watch.

- Wa wa wa wa wa wina.
- Don't.

Let her take it.

- Ha ha ha lu wina.

Ha ha ha lu wina.

Ha ma na ha ma na ho.

Ha ma na ha ma na ho.

Ha ma na ha ma na hu.

Ha ma na ha ma hu.

Ha ma na ha ma na hu.

- Ha ma na ha ma na oh.

(laughing)

Ha ma na ha ma na oh.

Wo wo wo wo wo.

- Freeze.

(laughing)

Carolyn.

- [Carolyn] It's gross.

Right, it's gross?

- Yeah, it's a little icky.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- [Carolyn] It's so disgusting right now.

- Well why do you keep
pouring it everywhere?

I don't appreciate that.

- I didn't mean to, it's not.

- [Teacher] Escalate it, okay?

- Uh huh, yeah.

- Don't stick with
- Sure.

- [Teacher] invisible props and things.

- Right.

- [Teacher] And help her.

- You always want syrup all
the time on your pancakes.

- Oh, so you're getting back
at me for losing your turtle.

- Yes, that's exactly
- That's what it is.

- what I'm doing.
- You should watch your

God damn turtle, I told you.

That was three years ago.

And now you're attacking me for that.

- I loved that turtle.
- Oh God.

- Remember, you have to be
tough enough to scare her.

- Um-hmm.

- So give me more energy, vocal, Bronx.

- Um-hmm.

Like can't we just talk
about light-hearted shit,

like funny shit, you know what I'm saying?

Like not fucking all, fucking this.

Alright what the, what the
fuck are you staring at?

- I'm sorry, I'm not staring.

- Jesus.
- She ain't staring.

- Oh my God, don't tell me this
bitch ain't staring alright.

You better put your eyeballs
back in your head bitch.

Alright, before someone stomp
on you you bug eyed bitch.

- Okay, she's, she's been drinking a lot.

- [Carolyn] Why you taking her side?

- [Teacher] Goodbye, have a good time.

- Bye Carolyn, see you next week.

- Bye bye, thanks.

- [Teacher] Goodbye.

(room chattering)

- See you.
- Bye sweetie.

- Muah.
(lips smacking)

- Bye.
- Bye Carolyn.

You did some good work today.

- Thank you.

- Are you forgetting anything?

- Uh, I owe you money?

- As usual.

- Okay, I actually, I can
go, I can go now to get it.

I'm gonna go to the ATM.

I'll just do it and come right back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I'll wait.
- Okay.

- Bye.

(dramatic music)

- No.

What do you mean it was transferred?

I don't understand, how
was it transferred as cash?

What does that have to do with anything?

That wasn't me, that definitely wasn't me.

I didn't do that though.

So that's on your end, that's
a screw up on your end.

What does it matter that it
was transferred as a donation?

It wasn't, I didn't donate any money.

I didn't donate all my money.

I didn't donate $12,000.

What do you mean I'm not
covered for identity theft?

Because I don't have the
identity fraud protection plan?

That's ridiculous, how is it possible

that in this day and age
that I don't just have that?

How is that not just included?

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

- [Woman] How is the
bank not covering this?

- I don't know.

- There's gotta be something.

I mean, you should sue them.

- Yeah, I mean I could, I should sue.

I would like to sue them but
I don't have enough money

to get me through the rest of the week.

So I don't really know.

- [Brunette Woman] What
about the People's Court?

A small claims court?

There has to be something.

- Yeah, yeah.

I could do that.

- You know, I actually, I know this guy

he does um like cyber
security kinda thing.

I could ask him if he could help.

- I mean anything.

You know, absolutely.

- Yeah?
- Yes, that would be amazing.

Yes please, thank you.

- I don't know, I think
I still have his email.

- He does cyber security?

- Okay, that's at 10:53.

- 10:53 okay.

Uh, and what time does he exit?

- [Charlie] Um, there he is, that's 11:26.

- 11.

Shit.

Son of a.

Ugh.

That doesn't help my case, Charlie.

I gotta be honest with you.

Uh.

Okay, um (clears throat)
tell me something.

Um.

Charlie would it be, would it be possible

for you to um, I mean
what happens if you're

working one night, the power goes out,

you come back, you're back
online at whatever you do,

and certain parts of the video
mysteriously disappeared?

I mean that, that happens right?

I mean that's something that, you know,

you've seen that in your profession?

- Uh, yeah.

- Now out of your control of course,

not something you intentionally
did for any reason,

of illicit reasons, but I'm just saying,

you know what I'm saying?

- That's, that's kinda where I,

you know, that's where I draw the line

as far as the law goes.

- Of course, I mean I
wouldn't, I wouldn't be,

I wouldn't even dream of
asking you to do anything

- Well of course.
- illegitimate, you know.

I'm just saying that my client is aware

of the laws of nature and once in a while,

uh, things happen beyond our control

and would be willing to, you know,

generously remunerate
you for the, the efforts,

you know, for that sort of,
well as an insurance policy

so to speak, I mean if we
can call it that, you know.

It's, um I mean look,
from what I understand,

you've done, it's things like
that have happened before.

You've done, you've done stuff like that.

- No, wait wait wait wait wait.

First of all, I never did anything.

- Of course.

Of course, um.

I just, it may help

certain people.
- No, I can't do that.

I can't do that.

I swear.
- Okay.

Um, okay, are you sure?

- [Charlie] Positive.

- Okay well, um, alright well listen,

don't don't, you don't have
to answer now, alright?

Just, do me a favor, just think about it.

- Okay.
- Just think about

- Sure, okay.
- if it'll work for you

- Alright.
- and uh get back to me.

- Okay, I've actually got
somebody coming in here

in a few minutes, so.

- Yeah okay, yeah sure,
I get it, understood.

Alright, Charlie thank
so much for your time.

- [Charlie] Alright, have a good one.

- Alright, you too.
- Alright.

(suspenseful music)

(doorbell rings)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Charlie?
- Carolyn?

- Hi.
- How you doing?

- Thank you so much
- Sure.

- for meeting me.
- Sure.

- Thank you, I'm just,
I never felt so invaded

in my entire life.

The police can't do anything
and all my money and so.

- I know.
- Thank you so much.

- Come on in.
- I just didn't know

what to do.

- Come on in.
- I brought my laptop.

- Oh good good good.
- Okay.

- We'll need that.

- So the only thing I could think of

that was like kinda
sketchy or possibly spam

is this message that I got
from my friend on Facebook

but it turns out that she
actually didn't send it.

- You clicked on a link or something?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's called spearfishing.

Uh, let's take a look here.

Uh, you know I have to say that would be

a very creative way of seeking
revenge for keying his car.

All he had to do after finding you online

is send you a fake message
from what you thought

was your friend's profile.

- (sighs) I just, this is crazy

how easy it is to just infiltrate
somebody's life like that.

- Yeah, and people think it's hackers

breaking into their
accounts but it's often

just way simpler than that.

- Really?
- Yeah, it happens so often.

I mean, for most accounts all you need

is the name, the address, the email,

maybe even the last four
digits of the credit card

and you can find all that stuff online.

Or in the computer of the local
diner that you order from.

- This is all totally beyond me.

I have no idea how any
of this stuff works.

Like I don't even know how you like

enter code or do like you,
how did you get into this?

- Uh, that's pretty much
what I do for a living.

Not so much for individuals,
mostly for larger companies.

- Like how did you get
into this line of work?

- Um (scoffs) well I guess it all started

while playing Nintendo as a kid.

And uh, you remember Contra?

No, you don't, of course you don't.

- I don't think so.
- You're, you're a girl.

- Well.
- You didn't play Contra.

- I.
- And you're probably

way too young to even
play Nintendo anyway.

- I've played Nintendo.

- Yeah.
- I totally played Nintendo.

- Yeah right, but like Nintendo 64, right?

- Well yeah, that's a Nintendo.

- That's a Nintendo 64.
(Carolyn giggles)

I'm talking about the original Nintendo.

- Right, right.

- With a few of those games,
there were these secret codes

that you could enter.

And if you pressed the
buttons in a certain sequence,

it would unlock all this extra stuff.

And it basically just changed the way

that I look at computers
and I became obsessed

with finding loopholes in
any type of computer program

from then on.

- That's freaking adorable. (scoffs)

- I found your RAT.

- Doo uh, you found a RAT?

- A remote access Trojan.

It allows someone to
spy on your digital life

and that's uh,

that's that's, that's what happened.

There's your malware right there.

- What's a malware again?

- Uh, malicious software, or spyware.

- Okay.

- Um, it uh, it gathered any information

that you entered into your computer.

So anytime you bought something online

with a credit card or a debit card,

or anytime you logged
into your bank account,

um they, he or whoever it was,

um also received that info.

- Um I, I like, what do I do?

What do I do, like can I, I
mean can we find this guy?

Can you, can like you trace
something or is there like a?

- I could try to track the IP address

but I'm pretty sure it's only
gonna lead to a proxy at best.

- Fuck.
- Yeah.

(exhales sharply)

Yeah, there doesn't seem to be much

of a digital footprint here
or anything else to go on, um.

Uh, unfortunately I don't know
what else to, to tell you.

I'm sorry.

- It's alright. (giggles)

Shit. (sniffling)

I'm so stupid. (giggles)

- No, it's not stupid.
- Sorry.

- I mean, it really does happen very often

to a lot of people.

- Yeah.

Oh.

- Um, but you know, I could, I could,

I could look into some more.

I didn't really spend that
much time on it just now.

I could look a little deeper

and I'm sure that I could find something.

Well something. (scoffs)

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Thank you so much.

I, I mean I don't even know
how to thank you enough.

Like,
- It's no problem.

- I'm forever in your debt.

- Please that's,
- Seriously.

- that's a little overboard.

- No, thank you.
- You're very welcome.

- Thank you.

- So I found a RAT on her start up drive

and when I went into it,
I found a whole bunch

of redundant double zeros
all throughout the code.

- Yeah.

- Really? You don't,

it doesn't make you think of anyone?

- Maybe.

- I mean is it, is it crazy of me to think

that Emily might have authored this?

- No, it's not crazy.

I mean, she's the only person
that I've ever known to use.

- Redundant double zeroes, I know right?

Like who does that?

- I mean somebody in
the world could do it,

but even if it is her
code, she coulda sold it.

What are you thinking?

You wanna, you wanna go on and
listen to her talk about it?

- No no, actually I really don't.

- Yeah?

You sure you're not using
this as excuse to go see her?

- No no, not, I have
zero desire to see her.

- I just think it's a
little bit too coincidental,

you know, that you're ex-wife
is maybe involved in this.

She's on your mind.

- Man, that's really not it.

- So you're gonna go see her.

- When did I say that?

I didn't say that.

- Don't come talking to me tomorrow

telling me that she eternal sunshined you

and you're gonna take another shot at it.

- You, oh, you really don't
have to worry about that.

We gave it enough shots, okay?

Man,

you really didn't like her did you?

- I'm sorry, yeah you're right,

I couldn't stand her some times.

- It's so weird because she
and I are so alike, you know?

- Well I can't stand you sometimes either.

- I should come over more often.

- Yeah man, you could come over

and I'll go and uh see
a movie or something.

(light serene music)

- Really, this is what
you wanted to meet about?

- Yeah.

- You're sure?
- Yes, yes, completely.

- Okay.

- Look, this thing had all your

crazy multilayered redundancies

that I used to make fun of all the time.

And I've never seen anyone
write all that extra crap,

so I'm thinking it's you.

- I don't do random hacks.

- Are you sure?

- Fucking positive.

- Okay.

You're not selling or
writing for anyone else?

- As outrageously unique as
you seem to think my coding is,

it is within the realm
of possibility that it's

someone else out there,
codes the same way I do.

- Yeah, I guess somebody could

almost be as brilliant as you.

- [Emily] How nice.

- [Charlie] Are you still
involved with Incognition at all?

- Are you still a hacker
hunter for corporate America?

- Okay.
- Are you still a traitor

to your colleagues?

- I'm not a hacker hunter.

- Do you think I'm gonna tell
you shit about Incognition?

- Look, I'm just bringing
it up 'cause I'm concerned.

- Uh, oh, you're concerned?

- Yes, don't do that.
- Aw.

- Yes, I'm concerned.

I've been seeing a lot of take
downs of hacker groups, so.

- Yeah, probably all because of you.

- You have a really misguided
view of what it is I do.

- I don't think I do.

- Okay.

- Where was it, who's computer
was this on that you found

so some code of mine.
- It's just some girl,

just a friend of a friend.

- Oh.
- She, someone hacked

into her computer and
depleted all the money

from her bank account, so.

- And they were using a
data spy program like mine?

- Um, that's why I'm here.

I'm telling you, like it's--

- Well it wasn't me.

So I don't know what to tell you.

- Nobody else that it could be?

- I don't give out my code
for stuff like that, sorry.

- Oh,

you haven't had any contact
with the Moraler ever, have you?

- Why, is he your next conquest?

- No, not necessarily.

It's just um,

Bobby was spycammed by him.

- Oh, doing what?

- Masturbating.

- God, you guys.

- Well what do you mean you guys?

You masturbate.

Well I don't do it in
front of my computer.

You need to stick a piece of tape

or something on your webcam

just to be on the safe.
- Okay.

So do you know any way
that I could find him?

- Who? Moraler?
- Yeah.

- No, I don't.

So is this single Charlie?

You've been hitting the gym?

- Yeah, I'm just trying
to take care of myself.

- Oh yeah, sure.

Somethings never change,
always taking care of yourself.

- [Charlie] Okay, alright.

- So you miss me?

- What's not to miss?

- [Emily] Hey.

- [Man] What's up?

- Did you by any chance
hack into a girl's computer

and empty her bank account?

- Yeah, I did.

That was the girl that keyed my car, why?

- Shit Alex.

- Why, what?
- Really?

She's got Charlie fucking looking into it.

- Charlie, your ex Charlie?

- Yeah.

- How did she?

How do you even know that?

- I just saw him and he told me.

- You saw him?

What the fuck Emily?

- I'm sorry, you're gonna
be pissed about that?

How 'bout I be pissed about
the fact that you took

my fucking program and use it
on some fucking random girl?

- Oh hi, I didn't see you there.

I was too busy enjoying my
Danbury Probiotic Yogurt.

It's made with a 100% real fruit flavor

and it's just (gasps) mm, so yummy.

- It does not sound yummy.

I'm not gonna lie.

Can you improv?

Maybe you could give us a little improv.

- Yeah.

- Okay, let's do some improv.

- Okay, but I still turn and
say hi, I didn't see you there?

And then, and then just.

- Why don't you do whatever feels natural.

- Got it.

Alright.

(giggles) Oh, I didn't see you there.

This yogurt is so delicious.

It's Danbury Probiotic Yogurt
and it's really good for you.

It's um, it's so good.

It's where, it's made, it's made with a,

it's made with a 100%
real fruit flavor and,

when I was a kid, I loved yogurt so much.

And I just thought

why not have another,
have some more yogurt.

Um, it's,

mm.

- I just don't understand,
of all the computer jerks

in the world, how she got
hooked up with Charlie.

It doesn't make any sense.

- It's a small world.

So you stole all her money?

- No no, I just, I redistributed
to different charities.

- How does that benefit you?

- Because she keyed my fucking car.

This was purely revenge.

I'm not living in a society
where someone can key

an innocent person's car and
get away with it scot-free.

- Why the charity sites?

- Well just to make it that
much harder for her bank

to track down the money.

- Did you get the car fixed?

- No, not yet.

I have to get the whole
fucking door repainted.

- People suck man.

- They do suck.

- [Jack] She's gotta know
somebody that knows something.

- [Charlie] You want to talk to her?

- [Jack] No.

- If she knows anything,
she's she's definitely

not telling me.

(Jack groans)

- Hey listen, seriously,
don't literally be

banking on us finding this guy.

You gotta have the
funds ready to go, okay?

- Um.

No, I don't, I don't
think you guys understand.

I don't, I don't have the
funds to pay this guy,

nor do I have the means to
come up with said funds.

So that's not really an option for me.

- Take a loan out.

Something.

Hey, unless it's, you know,

more important than letting
the video get blasted.

- Is Sarah pregnant?

- Yeah.

She's a little over a month.

- [Jack] Shit, you were right.

- Congratulations.
- Congratulations sucka.

Welcome to my nightmare buddy.

(chuckling)

- I wanted to tell you guys but you know.

- [Charlie] Yeah yeah yeah
yeah, no, I figured, yeah, wow.

- (sighs) Yeah, so I just
put this huge down payment

on that place in Queens, you know?

And I was already freaking
out about money before, so I.

- Hey listen, we'll we'll,
we'll find this guy.

Somehow we'll find him.

Right?

- I doubt it.

- No, see when I say right like that,

you're supposed to agree with me

and help make Bobby feel better, right?

- Okay, got it.

Sorry, try it again.

- Okay, so we're gonna
find this guy, right?

- No, probably not.

- Jesus Christ.

- [Announcer] The Yankees
took the third game

by a score of seven to three,

completing the sweep over the Red Sox,

putting New York in sole
possession of first place

in the AL East.

(TV chatter)

(serene piano music)

(moves into easy rock music)

- [Carolyn] Did you just join Tinder?

- [Charlie] I did, yeah.

- So you're like officially on Tinder now?

- Yeah.

- Alright.
- Yeah, I'm not sure

how I feel about it though.

- (giggles) No?

- It's a, it's a, it feels
like a whole new experience.

- Yeah, I would, I would assume so.

- And the whole, the whole
digital, like, online dating.

- Yeah.
- I mean, of course

I'm a computer guy so.

- Right, so when you
were dating it was like

there was nothing, there
wasn't, was there Facebook?

- No, nothing like,
nothing existed like this.

- Right.
- It was all,

- Right.
- you know, it was a,

- Oh, that's crazy.
- you see they'd call it

analog dating before.

- Yeah.
- The vinyl store of dating.

- Yeah. (laughs)

It has it's ups and downs, I'd say, like.

- What are some of the,
have you had some downs?

- Yeah, I have.

Um, like this one guy
actually had a totally

different picture up from
what he actually was.

- Oh, you showed up and he
was like much more handsome

than he was in his, in
his profile picture?

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah.

So say we met on Tinder.

One out of 100 times.

- Right.
- Right.

Do you consider it fate
that we didn't meet

those 99 other times?

It's a little probability thing.

I think.

- Right, but like there's a lot of people

that you could possibly run across.

I feel like things kinda,
things just kinda end up

lining up in such a way.

- Okay.
- You know?

- Yeah.

No, I'll let you have that.

- [Carolyn] You, you will?

- I'm not gonna start
our first argument here.

- (laughs) That'd be cute if
we had our first argument.

- You think that'd be cute?

- No.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

- So it ain't really one thing

but if I had to isolate anything it was,

it was probably when I started
taking more corporate jobs,

which she felt was selling out.

And the coding that I was using

was in direct conflict with the hacks

that she was involved in.

And so basically she
thought that I was using

my knowledge of the codes that
she and others were using,

to set up blocks and trackers

and preempt all those attempted hacks.

- Well were you?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Yeah.

- So how are you, how
are you even getting by

these last couple days?

- Yeah, um, so I kinda like stowed away

some of my cash in a jar,
which is almost gone.

And then, I've got like a
couple hundred on a credit card.

And then after that I'm kind
of, you know, like down,

like my life is over.
- Do you have a day job

or are you picking up more hours, or?

- Actually these um, children's parties.

- What do you mean?

- Where I dress up like a princess and

- Oh, you do that?
- entertain children

for a few hours.

Yup.

- Really?
- Yes I, yes I do.

Mm-hmm.
- You wear a costume.

- That's pretty awful (laughs) yeah.

- It's awful, you don't like it?

- No, it's just it's a lot,
but I have a costume, yeah.

But other than that I have
no idea what I'm gonna do

for the rest of life.

- [Charlie] We'll figure it out.

- Yeah, I hope so.

(giggles) Yeah.

- Yup.

- (giggling) Um.

- This has been really
great, getting to know you.

- Yeah, it really has, um, actually.

It's been kind of amazing.

I really want to invite you up,

like I really do, I just, I feel like

maybe I shouldn't because
maybe you stop helping me

if we slept together or something.

I know that sounds crazy but like.

- No no no, I get it.

Look, if anything, this just
gives me more motivation

to catch this guy.

So look hey,
(giggling)

your ploy worked, okay?

- Oh my God, it wasn't a ploy.

Did you think it was a ploy?

- I'm just kidding.

(laughing)

- I mean, I will definitely
find some way to repay you.

Over and over and over again.

- Oh my God.

(laughs)

- Okay, alright.
- Okay, great.

- I'll see you, I'll see you later.

- Alright then.
- Alright.

Be safe getting home.

- [Carolyn] Thanks, I'll give it a shot.

(giggling)

(cellphone ringing)

- Hey.

How'd it go?

- It was good.

It was really good.

- Yeah, did you fuck her?

- Jack.

- What?

She doesn't know what I'm talking about.

What did I just say?

- You said the F word daddy.

- See.

- Uh no, actually we decided to wait

until after we're done with her situation.

- Oh she was, it was shark week?

- No, no not, I mean until, you know,

after I've helped her find her hacker.

- What, why?

- Well 'cause she's a
little worried that if

we slept together, I might
stop helping her, you know.

- You fucking pussy.

- Jack.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say fucking pussy.

(suspenseful music)

- So?

- Wow, you look like a tax attorney.

- But would you recognize me?

- How could I possibly recognize you?

You're wearing glasses,
so you could be anyone.

You could be Superman.

- Are you serious?

- No one knows you there, so.

- You don't know that.

- [Alex] Relax okay, you look great.

Digging that skirt.
- Mm-hmm.

ZNet Communications.

- ID.

Do you have an appointment?

- No, I'm with the IRS.

- I have a Helen Krieger
here from the IRS.

Who do you wish to see?

- Anyone in the accounting department.

- Someone in the accounting department.

Okay.

Around the corner, the
elevator on your right

will take you up to the 17th floor.

- Thank you.

(elevator dings)

- Hi.

I'm Peter, senior associate
director of finance.

- Hi Peter, I'm Helen.

I'm with the IRS Criminal
Investigation Division.

- Ooh, that sounds scary.

What can I help you with?

- Well I'm here to take
a look at the records

for the Alister Meta Service account.

- Is there something wrong
with the Alister records?

- Well that's what I'm here to determine.

- Okay yeah, then, right this way.

So, IRS huh?

- Yup.

- Ooh. (snickers)

Everybody hates taxes, you
know, so you probably got

a lot of people that don't, you know,

they're not excited to see
you and you're a lawyer,

which means, you know.

You should work at the DMV,
then you'd like the trifecta

of all the jobs that people hate.

Not that people hate you,
you seem like a lovely person

but you know.

(clears throat) Hey, if
you offer tax advice,

my brother's incorporating,
starting his own company.

He's making seasonal scented urinal cakes,

which is, I know it's
weird, it sound weird,

but it's like a pumpkin spice in the fall

and like a (clears throat) so if he,

I don't know if he should incorporate

like S corporation or LLC or, or anything.

- It sounds like a terrible idea.

Not legally speaking of
course, just in general.

- I don't know, you
could see it catching on.

There's like mint verbena in the summer

and then in spring you could
do like a hibiscus lavander

or whatever, I don't know.

You get, you get clever with it.

Every Friday is casual Friday.

On Thursday nights we have
like a group volleyball game.

I get to set these things
up 'cause I'm the boss.

You know, we have fun here.

We have fun.

I like it when people like me as the boss

is what I'm saying.

But they do.
- Take the fun out of it.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

(Peter clears throat)

- Hey, anybody ever tell you that you um,

kinda have this sorta sexy
librarian thing going on?

- Is this how you speak to all
the females in your office?

- No.

No, I.

Not, I don't.

That was, I was just saying
'cause you look nice.

But I'm like equal pay, equal work.

Kinda, I'm a modern suffer jet.

I'm like, you know.

- Well do you think that
it might be possible

for you to get me a cup of coffee?

- What, am I your secretary now?

I'm kidding, I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with that.

Yeah, I do that kind of thing.

How do you take it?

- With soy milk.

- Oof, I don't know if we have soy.

We got cream and milk, and
milk milk, regular milk.

- Oh, I could only do soy.

- (fingers snapping) You know what?

There is a cafe downstairs,
I bet you they have soy milk.

So, I'll run and get you some.

- Do you think you could also get me just,

not quite a packet of
sugar but like somewhere

between a quarter of a
packet and half a packet?

- Sure, yeah.

- So there's another cup size

but that's fine.
- Sure, little bit of sugar,

a little soy, what do you like?

A little like splash of soy and?

- Not quite 3/4 of a teaspoon.

- Sure.
- Just under,

like 3/4 of a teaspoon, just under.

But you know.
- You got it.

3/4, a little bit of sugar.
- Uh huh.

- I like to keep the lid open,
so by the time it gets here

it's cool, it's not so
hot, it's cool enough.

You know, I'll do it.
- Great.

- I'll do, we'll do it right.

Okay.

(suspenseful music)

(computer chiming)

- Alright Em.

- Hey, got your coffee.

How we looking on the thing?

- I saw everything I needed to see

and you are in the clear.
- Great.

- Thank you so much for your time.

- Oh sure, yeah.

Um.
- Yup, I'll show myself out.

- Oh she fucking hates me.

(easy jazz music)

- Hey, you got the cash?

- Yeah.

Am I, I'm definitely giving it to her?

- Yeah, I mean not all of it
but probably a few hundred.

- How exactly did you find this girl?

- Colleagues of ours and
uh there's this other guy's

app designer who was always going on about

how great she'd suck cock and.

- (hooting) She's--
- That's not what she's

coming here for.

- Real?
- Fine, fine.

- Did they all get her?

- That's what prostitutes are for.

- [Bobby] Oh, okay.

(doorbell rings)

- [Jack] Right on time.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi guys.

- [Charlie] Hi, Charlie.

- Charlie, Juliet.

- [Charlie] Nice to meet you.

- [Bobby] I'm Romeo.

- Hi Romeo.
- No, I'm teasing, I'm Bob.

- I'm Bobby.

- Hi Bobby, that's a good one.
- I'm sorry, ridiculous.

- Hi, Jack.

- Hi Jack.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Um, well do you want to sit?

(Juliet sighs)
Good God.

Um, uh.

Uh, I'm sorry, what was I gonna say?

Uh, we uh, we actually
don't need any of the stuff

the (whistles) all the stuff.

- [Juliet] Okay.

- Uh, we just wanna talk, is all.

- Alright.
- Is that alright?

- Okay, so you want the
companionship package?

- What is the companionship package?

- Uh, conversation, cuddling,
you could feel me up.

- (clears throat) Yeah, that sounds good.

- That does sound good.

- No, actually, you know what?

We don't even need the companionship.

We just uh, need a little
bit of information.

- You guys are cops or
feds or anything are you?

- No.
- No.

- No, absolutely no.
- 'Cause you know

you need to tell me, right?

- First of all, I don't think that's true.

Urban legend, for future reference.

Second of all, we're not cops.

- Okay.

- [Jack] No law enforcement of any kind.

- Great.
- Relax.

Uh, he was a victim of a cyber hack.

- I'm sorry.
- And we're looking

for some answers.
- That sucks.

And why do you think I
have the answers for you?

- Because of your clientele.

- That's gonna, that's gonna cost you.

- Um, how much?

- 500.

(Bobby snickers)

- That's fine.
- Up front.

- Yeah, right.

500 for information.

- Thank you.

Okay gentlemen, so you just
bought yourself a half an hour.

- [Jack] Great.

- What would you like to know?

- Have you ever heard of
a guy called the Moraler?

- (scoffs) Yeah, of course.

- Do you know who he is?

- Oh, he's not one of my clients,

if that's what you guys are getting at.

- How do you obtain your clients?

- Word of mouth.

Just the same way you guys found me.

Everybody's verified and I
have a very specific clientele.

I mean my niece, she's a computer nerd.

No offense.

- [Charlie] None taken.

- So you said, how did
get involved in this?

How did you get your start?

- Well I was always sexually open.

I started fucking this really
really rich dot com guy.

Then some of his staff and felt safe.

Liked the way they
treated me, great money.

And here I am.

Business just took off.

- Do you enjoy sex?

- Okay, let's just get
back on track here, okay?

Um, so is there any information
that you could give us

at all about the Moraler?

Anything.

- I was warned a little while back to

take my ZNet account offline.

Basically, there's this massive hack

that Incognition is behind.

- And what does that have
to do with the Moraler?

- Incognition is like his thing.

Like he's the main guy behind it.

- How do we not know that?

- That's, that's 'cause
it's probably not true.

- I'm pretty sure it's true.

(circus music)
(children chattering)

- Just yeah, thank you so much.

- Oh yeah, no problem.
- You were fantastic.

- It was great, no, thank you so much.

Thank you.

- Sorry about what Timmy did.

- That's fine, yeah.

It didn't even really hurt that much.

- The bite marks should go down.

- I'm sure they will, yeah.

Ooh ooh.
- Hey stop it, Timmy!

- That's fine.
- Okay.

(suspenseful music)

- Hello.

- Hey uh, you're never gonna guess

what I'm standing in front of.

The car that I keyed, that
it still has the FU in it.

- Are you serious?

Is he in it?

- No, it's just, it's
parked on the street.

- Okay, right now I need
you to take a picture

of the license plate and send it to me.

- Okay, hold on.

(camera clicks)

(phone chimes)

- Okay, just hang out right there

and I'll call you right back, okay?

- Okay, uh like right here?

Just stay right here?

I just, I feel like he's gonna come out

any second or something.

- Don't worry about it, I'll
get right back to you, okay?

- I'm just, I'm like really hard to miss.

- [Charlie] Just hide in
a doorway or something.

I'll get right back to you, alright?

- Okay, alright, okay, alright.

Bye.

(phone chimes)

- Charlie, oh my God.

Oh my God, that's him.

Holy fucking shit.

(puffing)

Shit.

This is great.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Oh my God, I cannot
believe that we found him.

Holy shit.

- What street are you on right now?

- [Carolyn] Uh.

80th, 80th between Broadway and Amsterdam.

- And where were you the other day?

- Like a couple blocks away.

Like 80, 81st between
Columbus and Amsterdam.

Why?

- Um, this might sound crazy
but I think I know where he is.

(phone ringing)

(TV chattering)

- Hello.

- [Charlie] Hey, it's Charlie.

- What's up?

- This guy you're seeing,
uh, Alex Jacobs, right?

- Uh, why are you asking me that?

- It wasn't me.

- The thing is, I know it was you.

- But it wasn't.

- Hey, I know it was you, okay?

This isn't up for debate.

This is just where we're starting from.

You hacked into her
account using Emily's RAT

and you stole $12,000 from her

and you're gonna pay
her all that back, easy.

- I don't have the fucking money.

- Look man, I'm not playing around here.

- Neither am I.

I don't have her money.

- He doesn't have her money.

- What, 'cause it was donated
to a bunch of charities?

It doesn't fucking matter.

You owe her $12,000.
- No, I don't.

- Maybe we should just go to the cops.

- With what?

Uh, your confession of vandalism?

- Maybe I should just
beat the shit out of you

until you pay up.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- You're gonna play that card?

How 'bout I beat the shit out of you?

What?

- Alright, alright, alright.

Okay.

Start over.

Let me just ask you guys a question, okay?

Do you guys know anything
about the ZNet hack?

- What?

No, what ZNet hack?

- Right.

Alex, you know about it?

- No.

- Oh my God, you guys are so full of shit.

- Why, because we had
nothing to do with that hack?

- I didn't ask if you were involved in it.

I just asked if you've heard of it.

But now I'm thinking
you're involved in it.

- What, man you, you crazy.

This is bullshit,

let's get outta here.
- No no no, you're not going

anywhere until we resolve this.

- Let's go.
- No, no.

Just sit the fuck down.

- Charlie chill.
- Get the fuck off of me dude.

- Just, I'm sorry.

I'm totally chill, just no one's leaving

until we work this out, okay?

I'm gonna give you two options.

Alright?

You either give Carolyn $12,000

or you uh,

you tell us who the Moraler is.

- Why do you think we know who he is?

- You basically just admitted
that you were involved

in the ZNet hack and he's behind that.

So of course you know who he is.

- We said no such thing.

We admitted to nothing.

- Okay, now you got me thinking

that Alex here is the Moraler.

- What? God.

- You're outta your fucking mind.

- Well if it's not you, then
tell me who it is, Alex.

- Look, I don't know who it is,

but I can assure you it isn't me.

We're going.

- No, I already told
you you're not leaving.

- [Alex] Yes, we are.

- No, just don't.

Just don't.
- Don't fucking touch me.

- What the fuck!

You're sick, get off of him.

What the fuck? Hey!

(punch thuds)
(Alex groans)

(Alex coughing)

What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Alright.
- You okay?

(Alex coughing)

- Alright.

There are three options now.

Option one, you give Carolyn $12,000.

Option two, you tell
us who the Moraler is.

Or option three, I continue
to kick the shit out of you

until you give us either
option one or two.

What's it gonna be?

- Three.

- [Charlie] That's what it's gonna be?

- [Emily] Charlie!

- That's what it's gonna be.

- Look, alright.
- Get the fuck off me.

- [Emily] If we tell
you everything we know,

will you leave us the fuck alone?

- Yeah, yeah, if it leads
to me finding who he is,

then yeah, it's, we're square, yes.

- Look, all we really know
is that his name is Erick.

That might be his real
name, it might not be.

(Alex groans)

- Just, just Erick?

Erick?

- Erick.
- Yeah, yeah, just Erick.

- Well how do you know this?

- We helped set up the ZNet hack.

- Wait, so you're in contact with him?

- Not really.

He has an email address
he might still check.

Look, we set up the patch.

He paid us the Bitcoin, we
set up the patch, that's it.

- Okay, what program are you using?

- [Emily] It's a version of Progen.

- How'd you get access?

- (sighs) The IRS scam.

- [Charlie] Oh geez, you still doing that?

- It still works.

- What servers they go into?

- His.

- [Charlie] His, he's got his?

You sure it's his?

- As far as I know, he's in
control of the whole thing.

- Is this all true Alex?

Anything she's leaving out?

Alright.

Alright.

Okay, alright, now for your own good,

just uh, don't tell
anybody about this okay?

Especially him.

- Yeah, no shit.

- Okay, alright, um,

you guys, you guys can go.

Have a good night.

Always a pleasure Em.

- [Emily] Go fuck yourself.

- That's how she always
used to say goodbye to me.

(laughs)

- [Carolyn] Well that got pretty intense.

- Yeah.
(laughs)

- You really um, took
charge there. (laughs)

- Sorry, I got a little
carried away there.

I got a little caught up in the moment.

You really stood your ground too.

- Oh I was holding back.

I wanted to smack the
dimples off that bitch.

(Charlie laughs)

- She told you that's what she used?

- Yeah, she did.

- [Jack] And you trust her.

- Well she has no reason to lie.

- We're letting Alex get away
with stealing Carolyn's money.

- And why are we doing that again?

- Yeah, I'm a little
fuzzy on that plan too.

- Okay so, uh, imagine like
a leak in ZNet's database

and Alex and Emily set up that leak.

And everyone's stored info is
accessible through that leak.

Passwords, logins, basically anything

that's on anyone's cloud.

And all that stuff goes
through the leak to a server.

And that server is
controlled by the Moraler.

- Okay, and we need to find
the location of the server.

- Now that's why if we're gonna do it,

we need to do an onsite hack to the patch.

- See I was with you up
until that last part.

- Okay, the patch that
Alex and Emily installed,

you know, the leak, we
need to change the code

so that I can trace the
connection back to the server.

- It's not exactly that simple

but if we don't run into
any dead ends or anything,

then we should be able
to pinpoint the location

of the server.

- Which will lead us to the Moraler?

- Right.

And then we threaten to turn him in

unless he pays us the amount
that Alex stole from you

and erases the video file.

- Fuck yeah.
- Yeah.

- But this all starts
with us getting access

to the ZNet's local network,
which you and I can't do.

- Why not?

- [Jack] How many people know us there?

- Uh wait, let me see something.

(suspenseful music)

There's an 11 o'clock walkthru with a rep

from a German investment firm.

How's your German accent?

- Okay.

This is not stupid at all.

It's just uh (clears throat)

Ilsa Mueller, Ilsa, Ilsa Mueller.

What the fuck am I doing? (laughs)

Oh, alright.

- Hi, can I help you?

- Uh, yes.

I have an appointment
with someone from ZNet.

- [Guard] What's your name?

- Ilsa Mueller.

- And I have you here for 11 o'clock.

- Yes, um, uh so actually
I had very hectic arrival,

at the airport and my bags were lost

and I had to uh be a bit early.

- Okay, let me just call up.

May I see your ID?

- Oh uh, you know, because
of my bags are lost,

I actually have, I've nothing on.

It's been terrible.

- Okay, hold on.

Hi, I have a Ilsa Mueller here.

She's early for her 11 o'clock.

Ilsa Mueller.

- Mueller.

- Okay, just take the
elevator around the corner.

- Mm-hmm.
- It will get you right

to the 14th floor.

- Ah, danke very much.

- Nicely done.

Danke very much.

I see you're getting into
the lingo and everything.

- Uh, is danke German?

I don't even know if that's German.

I don't even know if I sound German.

This is uh, I'm really nervous.

- Don't be nervous, you got this.

You're doing really well.

It's like you've done this before.

- I don't even know if I'm
doing actually German accent.

It's just like Swedish or
Eastern European in general.

- Oh, relax.

Hey, you're doing great.

- You know, I'm fancy enough.

I look ridiculous with
this thing on my face

but other than that.

- Oh yeah, I'm sorry.

Sorry, that's all I had
with a video camera on it.

- [Carolyn] Right, no, I
mean it's not your fault,

it's just uh, I'm gonna get caught.

Keep it together Ilsa.

(clears throat) She's got this.

- Hi.

- Oh hello.
- Peter.

- Uh, Ilsa.

Charmed.
- Pleasure, nice to meet you.

I'm the senior financial
director of operations

here at ZNet.

- Ooh, that sounds so good.

- [Peter] I'm a big dog here.

- Oh, that's great.
- Happy to have you come by.

- Oh lovely, that's very nice.

Yes.
- You're so much younger

than I thought you would be.

- Oh, oh, you're so, you're so cute.

No, I'm much older than I look of course.

- Um, I know Henry was supposed
to show you around today

but you came a little bit early,
so I'm gonna do it instead.

We wanted you to meet
our board of directors

but they're not gonna
be here 'til later, so.

- Yeah, yeah.

Well you know, that's okay.

I don't uh, the board members
they're so, you know, woo woo.

There's always like so many of them.

- Right.
- We can have fun

all by ourselves.

- Yeah we can, sure.
- Yeah.

- By the way, you can't
wear those in here.

- Oh um, yes.

- You can't wear Google products in ZNet.

- [Carolyn] Are you sure?

- Tell him you need to stay
connected to certain updates.

- I have to stay

connected to certain--
- I'm just kidding.

- Oh (laughs) you're so funny.
- You know,

because they're our competitor,
or we're trying to be.

Let me show you around, come on.

- [Carolyn] You're such a kidder.

- Obviously this is our
workspace, cubicle space.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- We're kind of in a transitional period

as we're growing as a company.

Hopefully, we're gonna have
some nicer headquarters

before too long, you know?

- The rug is nice.

It's very very nice.

- The carpet?
- Hey, just keep going down

that hallway right there.

Just keep him going in that direction.

We're getting a little bit of
a weak signal from the router.

- This is our tech area.

We have like data management
centers on either side

- Oh yes.
- and that kinda thing.

- It's very good yes, very good yeah.

- What's with the old Google glasses?

I haven't seen anybody
wear those in a while.

- [Carolyn] Well it's a
very popular in Germany.

- [Peter] They look kinda bulky.

Are they even comfortable, or?

- [Carolyn] Yeah, well
Germans don't like to be

comfortable, you know?

- [Peter] Really, oh interesting.

Got your server room back
there, right on the right there.

It's for design, I don't know why.

- Actually, wait wait wait wait.

See if you could back him up.

- See I see, I mind uh walking this way?

Maybe come back with me this way.

- Sure.
- I just want to see,

can I?
- What, why?

- Well you know, can I see something?

I have to just uh take a look.

- Exactly, that's perfect
right there, just.

Stay there for about two minutes.

- Uh, the wires.

- Yeah well we don't have the best design

because the space is
being kinda jerry-rigged.

- Jerry-rigged, I don't understand.

- Oh, that means we're
just kinda like trying

to make something work that shouldn't.

- Yeah yeah, okay.

So uh, I see, I see.

- Not that I shouldn't.

You know, I want you to be
impressed with our space.

- The carpet is good here too.

- The what?
- It's very nice, I like it.

The rug, the rug, you call it the rug?

Is it the right word?

- No, when the rug covers the
whole ground, it's a carpet.

- Ah, this is good to know.
- About one more minute, okay?

Just keep him right there.
- I like the information

from American is good.

- Sure, alright.

Let me go ahead and show you--

- Peter Peter, where are you from?

Peter?

- Uh, I'm from New Jersey.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, where is, where is New Jersey?

Sounds beautiful.

- It's like, that way.

Just right over across the river.

- This way?
- Right across

the Hudson River.
- Oh wow.

Oh good, and where are you,

where are you from, where
are you, where are you from?

- Ooh New, New Jersey, where I grew up.

- Oh oh, that's right, you just said this.

- But specifically, Trenton.

- [Carolyn] Well you
know, actually I was also

wanted to talk a bit more
- I just need one more minute.

Okay, just one minute.
- about the wall here.

I want to know what, Peter what color

do you call uh (clears
throat) this wall here?

In English, you know, I want to learn.

Um.

- [Peter] White. (clears throat)

- [Carolyn] Color white, oh white.

Well this is a, this is
good information for me.

- Cool.
- Um, yeah.

- So um, I don't know
- Absolutely.

- if you wanted to see.

- Um, your hair is very nice.

- [Charlie] Okay, perfect.

Perfect, we got it.
- Mm, and you brush it?

- So now you could just get out of there

as quickly as possible now.

- Yeah, I brush it with a comb.

- You know, I have a girl
that does my hair for me.

I don't mean to sound too fancy you know.

It's in Germany, we don't
like to brag you know?

- Alright, so now end it.

Tell him you gotta go pick up your kids.

- You know, I could uh, we should go now?

I have children that I have to pick up.

- Twins.
- I have twins.

- They're here in the United States?

- Yeah, I have to go pick them up.

Actually, right now.

And so they're here
yeah, well I took them,

well I take my babies with me.

Their names are Hansel and Gretel.

- Okay, alright get out
of the conversation now

and leave the building.

- We should go, I should.

You know it was very
nice to meet you, Peter.

- Are you leaving now?

- Uh yes, we have to go now actually.

- You didn't want to see the?

- [Carolyn] No come, show me out Peter.

- So we're in.

That was great, that
was really really great.

- Woo hoo, I got so comfortable
with the German. (laughs)

That was crazy.

- [Charlie] I'm very impressed.

- Can I take these things off now?

(suspenseful music)

- Do you see this?

We got him.

Richard Lynch.

Richard.

Ric.

E-Ric.

Erick.

- That's clever.

- [Charlie] Yeah.

- Hey man, did you bring one
of your little nanny cams?

Are you serious?

I told you, wait we have to have that.

- I know, do we have to go back?

- I have it right here.

Ha.

Lame.

- Thank you guys, seriously.

I'm forever in your debt.
- Yup.

- Don't count your chickens yet.

- No, I know.

It's, you know, I'm just saying

like if there's anything I
can do for you guys like.

- You better fucking believe it.

You're gonna be babysitting
my kids 'til they're teens.

Here, this is it.
- Yeah.

- What, do we call up?

- No no no, I think we should
just show up at his door.

You know, more of the element of surprise.

And that way, you give him less time

to go for a gun if he has one.

- I'm sorry, what?

Did you, he might, he might have a gun?

- Yeah.
- What, is this guy

supposed to be some sort of,

fucking computer nerd, I
didn't know he'd be packing.

- He's not packing shit,
don't worry about it.

- Okay, but how do you know that for sure?

- I don't know that, but
if he does have a gun

then we get to him before
he gets a chance to get it.

- Yeah, so we're not calling up.

We'll just uh, we'll
just wait for somebody.

- Alright.

(Bobby sniffles)

(Bobby clears throat)

- So wait, what's like the
plan to get into his apartment?

- Uh, I was thinking you
two hide next to his door.

I'll knock, I'll tell him I know who he is

and I'm going to the cops unless
we can work something out.

He opens the door, I go
in, followed by you guys.

- We gotta go right at him, hold him down.

Like be real intimidating.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

I'm set to get a few punches in,

the anxiety this motherfucker's caused me.

- I don't think it's gonna get to that.

But listen, if you want to
know an effective punch,

right to the chest.

It like totally disables him.

That's what I did to
uh, to Alex, you know.

- Right.
- Emily's.

- Yeah.
- I didn't know

what I was doing.

I just hit him in the
chest and he was like

totally out of breath for minutes.

- Coming from master over there.

- He was completely scared.

- I don't know.

Something about like, just
to fucking straight shot

in the face.
- Yeah, I get it.

Hey hey, wait man.

- [Bobby] Dude, what are you doing?

- Just chill, I'm gonna
buzz a different apartment.

- [Man On Intercom] Hello.

- Delivery.

- [Man On Intercom] I
didn't order anything.

- I have a package for you to sign.

- [Man On Intercom] Who's this from?

- Uh.

Stuff.

Address.

Rick.

Thing.

- [Man On Intercom] What
delivery service are you from?

- Fucking. (sighs)

UPS.

(door clicks)

Opp, hi.

Thank you.

- Sure.

- [Man On Intercom] Hello.

(door knocking)

- [Erick] Uh, hello.

- Hi, Erick.

I need to talk to you man.

It's kind of an emergency, I uh,

I know who you are.

- [Erick] What do you mean?

- Erick E. Richard, the Moraler, Lynch.

Come on man, we don't have time for this.

Just open the door so I can talk to you

or I'm gonna go to the cops.

- [Erick] Uh, you got,
you got the wrong guy man.

- No, I don't.

Look, the ZNet hack alone will
put you in jail for a while.

Alright, you know, there's
there's nothing keeping me

from calling the cops right now.

So I'm just gonna do that, okay?

(door clicks)
- Wait wait wait, what do,

what do, what do you want?

- You have a video of a
friend of mine masturbating.

I need to see you erase that video.

- [Erick] And that's it?

- That's it.

That's it, you show me that
you've erased that video

and then I'll know for sure it's gone.

Hey hey, hey, look man.

There's nothing no decision to make here.

Unless, unless you want
me to call the cops.

Man, I'll just, I'm gonna
go ahead and call the cops.

I'll wait for them outside.

- [Erick] No no, wait, okay hold on.

Oh God.
- No, just stay calm.

- [Erick] No, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

- [Charlie] Stay calm, hey.

Just have a seat, have a seat, sit down.

- [Erick] Hold on, hold
on, we'll talk about this.

- [Jack] Sit down, okay.

- Well alright, hold on.

I made the.

Okay, alright.

(Bobby grunts)

- [Bobby] Look at him.

He's a little kid.

- Hey, you recognize that guy?

You recognize that guy?

- Nope.

- No?
- Nope.

- [Jack] Maybe he should
whip his fucking dick out.

- Well he is in fact someone

that you're blackmailing at the moment.

- What do you want?

- Two things actually.

We want you to erase that
video and we want $12,000.

- Why $12,000?

- [Jack] 'Cause we fucking said so.

- Let's just say an associate
of yours owes us that much.

In cash.

Right now.

- (scoffs) Cash, (scoffs) I don't have

that much cash on me right now.

- Come on man, you've already got it here.

- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

Erick, yes you do.

Someone like you?

Come on, there's no way that you would

allow federal monitoring
of all your money man.

You're too smart for that.

- Just because I don't
have any money in the bank

doesn't mean I have all the
money with me right now.

- Okay, then just fucking
tell us where it is then.

- It's not here.

- Where do you keep your money?

- Look man, you really have
no fucking choice right now.

You either erase that
video and give us the money

or you go to jail.

For a while.

(sighs)

- It's mostly all in Bitcoin.

- Well,

okay.

First of all, I gotta tell you, Erick,

the Moraler is the worst fucking moniker

I've ever heard in my

entire fucking life.
- It's fucking terrible.

- It, it is, it's the Moraler, right?

The Moraler, it's not,
our friend Bobby here,

thought it was the Moraler.

- [Bobby] It's confusing.

- It's not the Moraler is it?

- No, yeah, it's just, it's the Moraler.

- You should clear that up.

- Well, he understood it.

- And word is you're
super religious, right?

You're doing God's word, is that true?

- No.

No, it's not.

It's a, it's a, it's a character I created

for the fame of it.
- Of course it is.

- [Jack] Unbelievable.

It's just the fame, more
like everybody else.

- It's all that it ever
is, you know, it's,

there's no greater
meaning, right, for you?

Fame.
- No no, but there,

there is a greater, there
is a greater meaning.

We're trying to send everyone
a message, guys, like.

- [Jack] What's the message?

Don't jerk off?

- No, that, that you don't
know what you're gonna up,

like you upload so many things
that it's just out there.

You don't know who's watching.

There's, there's no more
privacy anymore guys, like.

- [Jack] So he's like a little
Edward Snowden with a PSA

about the dangers of
surveillance, is that it?

- Alright.

Where's the video?

- It's over there on the
silver Seagate drive.

Alright.

- Fuck.

(suspenseful music)

- Alright, now I just need you to

transfer me a hundred Bitcoin.

- A hundred Bitcoin is
a lot more than $12,000.

- No shit.

That's the exchange rate
for being such a fuck job.

- How many Bitcoins do you have?

How many Bitcoins do you have?

- A few thousand.

- And we're only taking a hundred?

This guy deserves for us to
take everything he fucking has.

- That's true.

But we're better than that.

- Nah, I don't think I'm
much better than that.

- I mean, come on man.

- (chuckles) I mean come on.

Are you fucking kidding?

I could fucking kill you right now.

Alright, and I'm pretty sure
I can get away with it too.

But I'm leaning towards not doing that.

But if you have another copy of that video

and you post it anywhere, I will kill you.

Okay, I will fucking murder you.

And I will do it in probably
the most painful way

you could fucking imagine.

I will find you and I will kill you.

Do you understand me?

- Yeah.

- Stop fucking spying on people you fuck.

- Alright, go ahead.

Come on.

- You are getting off so fucking easy.

- Alright.

See you around, Erick.

(door clicks)

- Fuck.

(sighs)

- Oh God. (sighs)

Dude, we should've taken more money.

- We totally should've taken more money.

- You want to go back?

- No, that's not our money.

- We have just as much
right to it as he does.

He's getting off fucking light.

- Yeah.
- He's gonna get

what's coming to him.

- You set up the camera?

- Absolutely.

Check it.
- Let's see it.

- Here here.

Hm.
- Oh yeah.

Oh that's perfect.

- Aw.
- That's good, good job.

- [Bobby] You guys.

- I think we did some good here today.

- Hell yeah we did.

The world's a better place.

You guys can jerk off in private again.

(chuckling)

- Turnabout is fair play as a
sought after computer hacker,

known as The Moraler, was
arrested today in Williamsburg.

An anonymous video of the
suspect partaking in a lewd act

went viral earlier this week.

As it exposed the identity of
cyber terrorist Richard Lynch,

who would spy on unknowing victims

through their webcams and cellphones.

- Based on the information
that was obtained

during the investigation,
led agents to believe

that there was evidence
of child pornography

at this particular location.

- [Anchor] Law enforcement
found over 40 illegal videos,

several of which included
victims under the age of 18,

leading to Lynch being charged with

possession of child pornography,

along with 12 more counts of cyber crime.

- So I figured we'll just
set up you up an account

and transfer the Bitcoin over.

- Yeah.
- It's easy.

- Yeah, I mean, I guess
I thought there'd be like

an actually currency we could
exchange the Bitcoins for.

- If you'd rather have cash.

- What is this, this is, what is this?

(laughs) Woo hoo hoo.

Are you serious?

Holy, holy shit.

- That's all your money back.

- Oh my God.

So you were able to
exchange the Bitcoins then?

- Yeah, more or less.

We'll just call this a personal exchange.

- Wait a minute, so this is your money?

- I can't.

I don't know, I can't take this.

- No no no, you absolutely must.

I made out quite well on this deal, so.

That is your money.

- I uh.

I can't.

I don't even know what to say.

I can't thank you enough.

- You just go out there and
be the next Meryl Streep.

- [Wife] What's going on?

Where'd you get the money for all this?

- Consider it a gift from Charlie.

- [Wife] Oh, and we needed
more security cameras

and gadgets in this apartment?

Really?

I mean, what's to stop
someone from hacking

into this equipment and spying on us?

(playful music)

(beep)
- What'd he catch him doing?

- Well, to be honest he was. (laughing)

He was, you know, (blows
raspberry) throwing tapioca.

(laughing)

You know, doing the old uh. (laughing)

He was doing the old
Johnny Slickman. (laughing)

He was, you know, buttering
his corn. (laughing)

You know, he was buying new. (laughing)

He was buying new yoga pants. (laughing)

You know.

- [Man] No, I don't.

That sounds completely legal.

(laughing)

Well, depends on how you do it.

Ahem, pulling wild onions, you know.

He was putting up a new fence. (laughing)

He was shining his shoes.

- [Man] Are you saying
he was masturbating?

- No no no no.

- (laughing) Yes, that's what he's saying.

Yes, of course.

♪ You start ♪

♪ You start ♪