Licorice Pizza (2021) - full transcript

Oh, my God,
you're, like, coughing.

- I actually like it.
- Yeah, I like it.

This is an
announcement about Picture Day.

Freshmen class portraits
at 9:30.

Sophomore class portraits
at 10:30.

Juniors will be during lunch.

That wasn't hard.

Shut up, bitch.

You shut up.

Feel like a man.

Like a giant.



Cherry bomb!

Comb?

Mirror? Comb? No?

Mirror?

Comb?

- Bonzai!
- Oh!

Fuck off, asshole.

- Ugh!
- I'll take it.

So what's your name?

Talkative. I like that.

How's your day going?

Yeah.

Dinner tonight?

Are you asking me out?



Yes.

I'm not going on a date
with you. You're 12.

You're funny. I'm 15.

How old are you?

You're not supposed
to ask that.

You're not supposed to ask
a girl how old she is.

Annoying.

You're right,
it doesn't matter to me.

How are you
gonna pay for dinner?

If I say yes and we go
on a date for dinner,

how are you gonna pay?

You say everything twice.

- I don't say everything twice.
- You do. You do.

What is this,
"Say everything twice"?

Come on. How are you gonna pay?

Do you go to the movies?

Of course I go to the movies.

Did you see Under One Roof?

Yeah.

You're looking at Tony.

There's, like,
a million kids in that movie.

I don't know a Tony.

I want you to have dinner
with me, not my work.

I'm not trying to brag,

but you did ask how I was
gonna pay for dinner.

You're such an actor.
You're such an actor.

What else have you been in?

- This House is Haunted.
- No.

- Two Beds, Two Baths.
- Mmm-mmm.

I've done three sketches
on The Merv Griffin Show.

Did you ever see me on the...

All right. Don't list your
whole resume, it's braggy.

I'm not going on a date
with you, man. You're 15.

"Man."

I like that.

"Kid," how about that?

I'm not going on a date
with you, "kid." You're 15.

Don't call it a date.
It's not a date.

Just come say hello.

I like the way you look.

I like talking with you.

Where do you live?

Encino.

Encino? I live in Encino.
Where in Encino?

On Hatteras.

- Hatteras and what?
- Ugh. Creep.

"Hatteras and what?
Hatteras and what?"

I'm not telling you where
I live, creep. Come on.

- I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock tonight.
- I don't care where you'll be.

I go there every Thursday
for dinner.

I don't care where you eat.
Wait, where are your parents

- while all this is happening?
- They're working.

They're working.
Just come say hi.

Just shut up.

I'll tell you
what I'm doing.

I take my brother Greg
to Tastee-Freez around 6:30,

he's in bed by 7:30.

Wait, you go all the way from Encino
to Tail o' the Cock for dinner?

I live in Sherman Oaks.

Oh, come on.

I take my brother Greg
to Tastee-Freez around 6:30,

he's in bed by 7:30.

I slip around the corner to
Tail o' the Cock for my dinner.

That's where I'll be.

I'm not trying to pressure you.

You are pressuring me.

You are.
That's what you're doing.

If you wanna come
and say hello,

if it's convenient
within your plans,

I'd love to see you.

"Convenient within my plans"?

Wait, you leave your brother alone?
How old is he?

He's eight. He's nine.

You're hilarious.

You can't even keep
your own stories straight.

What are you? You're like a little...

Robert Goulet,
Dean Martin or something.

- Where do you come from?
- Sherman Oaks.

Ha! Sherman Oaks.

- Hi, Alana.
- Hi, Cindy.

Did you know we got
a big movie star here?

Gary Valentine.

Your name is Valentine?

Valentine.

Should I get
an autograph?

Don't bother.

I've been right here
the whole time.

I get this feeling I was meant
to know you, Alana.

You know I'm 25, right?

I can be your friend
but I can't be your girlfriend.

That's illegal.

- You give me hope.
- Shut up.

This is fate
that brought us together.

- This is fate.
- Shut up.

Card.

- Right here. Okay.
- I mean, I'm trying

- to spend my time with you.
- Oi, oi.

- Is that bad?
- Stop, stop that. Oi.

Turn your legs around.

Not too down,
so look up, look up. Uh...

Close your mouth
just a little bit.

Just see a little bit of teeth.

Little bit of teeth.
Little bit of teeth.

Go on, like a tiger.
Off it. Go.

Next. Next.

How have I never seen you before?
How have we never met?

Stop talking
so much, slimy.

We'll see.
I doubt it, but we'll see.

Now I gotta get back to work and
you have to get back to class.

Stop using time as an excuse, Alana.
Our roads took us here.

Stop sounding
like a philosophy guy,

Albert Einstein.
Maybe I'll see you later.

I'm not gonna see you later.

Put your chin up
just a little bit like that, Laura.

Chin up, chin up.

- Hey, Gary. Hey, Greg.
- Hey.

I met the girl
I'm gonna marry one day, Greg.

Oh, yeah?

And you're gonna be
my best man.

So,
two down and Garvey the batter.

I'll be at the Tail
o' the Cock if you need me.

Love you, Greggo.

Love you, too.

Steve finished the
regular season with 111 RBIs,

three more than Jimmy Wynn.

Sixth inning with the Dodgers
leading two to nothing.

Two runs, three hits,
and no errors.

Remember, there are
still tickets available

for Tuesday's game.

You can get them today

at the Dodgers ticket office
on Stadium Way.

And the pitch is high,
ball one.

Don't be creepy, please.

Foul ball
up the middle.

Will you stop
with the googly eyes?

Excuse me, Don.

Can I have two Cokes?

Sure, Gary, you got it.

Thank you.

Stop.

What?

I can hear you breathing.

Stop.

- Breathing?
- Yes.

So, Alana, what are your plans?

I don't know.

What's your future look like?

I don't know.

How do you like working
at Tiny Toes?

I hate working at Tiny Toes.

You should start
your own business.

What business should I be in?

I don't know.
What do you like?

I don't know.

You're an actress.
You should be an actress.

So how'd you become
such a hotshot actor?

I'm a showman.

- It's my calling.
- Ugh.

I don't know how
to do anything else.

It's what I'm meant to do.

I mean, ever since
I was a kid, I've been

- a song and dance man.
- Come on.

Ever since you were a kid?

Song and dance man?

Where are your parents?

- My mom works for me.
- Oh, of course she does.

- Yes, she does.
- That makes sense.

In my public relations company.

In your
public relations company?

- Because you have that?
- Yes.

- And you're an actor.
- Yes.

And you're a secret agent too?

Well, no,
I'm not a secret agent.

That's funny.

Are you joking?

Well, no, I'm not.

That's a lot.

Gets complicated.

I'm sure.

And all that math homework you
have to do after everything.

My mom's in Las Vegas right now

taking care of
the Hacienda Hotel,

which leaves me back here.

We do PR for Tail o'
the Cock and Chadney's.

I like Chadney's.

- You like Chadney's?
- Yeah.

Do you like Japanese food?

I don't really know
what that is.

The Mikado?

I'm taking you to The Mikado
next time.

Next time?

Yeah.

The food's magnificent.

You're sweet, Gary.

You're gonna be rich in a
mansion by the time you're 16.

I'm gonna be here

taking photos of kids for
their yearbooks when I'm 30.

You're never gonna remember me.

I'm not gonna forget you.

Just like you're not
gonna forget me.

If I ask for your phone number,
would you give it to me?

Why should I give you
my phone number?

So I can call you.

I don't know, Gary.

Why not?

How are you gonna remember it?

It's only seven numbers.

758-4686.

- 756-4686.
- You already got it wrong.

758-4686.

All right, Don Rickles.

Don't call me
all the time. Okay?

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Remember that.

We're... You know.

I know.

- Hi, Dad.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's up?

- What?
- What's going on?

Nothing.

What time is it now?

10:00.

What'd you do?

I told you what I was
gonna do this morning.

What?

Go to dinner with Lisa.

- Lisa?
- Yeah.

Who the fuck is Lisa?

Dad, you know Lisa.

Lisa?

Yeah, she works with me

- at Tiny Toes.
- I don't know Lisa.

- What?
- Yes.

Where were you?

Why are you dressed like that?
Were you on a date?

Looks like it was a long date.

Get out of my room, Este.

"His name is
Jerome H. Frick.

His friends know him
simply as Jerry,

and his attractive
young wife as Mioko.

Their new restaurant Mikado

is a delightful dinery
featuring foods of Japan,

and it should be
quite authentic,

for Jerry had a restaurant
some 15 years in Tokyo.

The entire staff,

with the exception of Jerry,
is Japanese,

and those 'little doll'
waitresses

are dressed fittingly
in colorful kimonos.

Give it a try,

we think you'll be delighted."

- Oh, that's wonderful, Anita.
- Oh, fantastic.

Oh, of course.

- It's just wonderful.
- Oh.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

Uh, do you think
we should mention

something about
the serenity, though?

- Hmm.
- The pleasant quiet?

Yes, and I wish that we had
space to include everything

because it's such
a beautiful restaurant,

but if we choose one thing...

Right.

Okay. Let's just...

Oh, Mioko,

how you think of this?

What do you think of item
for newspaper?

Oh, oh, Yoko-san.

I think the cuisine
is not mentioned.

- Oh.
- She's wondering

if we mentioned the cuisine.

Of co... Uh...

- The cuisine?
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

I think we did talk about that,
didn't we?

I might...

I have an earlier draft.

Here it is.

"There is a complete roster of
Japanese appetizers available

while sipping American
or Japanese spirits.

For the daring,
sashimi is offered.

But don't worry, there are
many American dishes too.

Mikado is for the gourmet
and the non-gourmet alike."

What you think of that?

Much better
talking about the cuisine

than the waitresses. Thank you.

Oh, fantastic.
I will make a note of that.

- Sure.
- That's what we'll send to the paper.

Thank you so much

for coming in to
G and G Agency.

Really appreciate it, Anita.

- Thank you so much.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Arigato.
- Of course.

Oh... Oh!

7:20
with Charlie Tuna.

I'll make that call to the
girl selected by a computer...

- So...
- ...as the most

compatible mate for me
in one minute.

I'm afraid you're gonna be
upset with me.

I can't take you to New York
for The Jerry Best Show.

I have to go to Las Vegas.

Delicious Certs.

- I'm not upset.
- No?

No. Why is that bad?

It's two mints in one...

Well, you can't go to New York
without a parent or a guardian.

They're not gonna let you do the
press tour without a chaperone.

The Salisbury steak is delicious.
How's the chicken?

Delicious.

Excuse me, sir,
could I offer you another beverage?

I beg your pardon?

Can I get you
something else to drink?

What's your name?

Um, it's Brenda.

- Brenda.
- Mmm-hmm.

That's a beautiful name.

Um...

I'll take two Cokes, Brenda.

Okay.

Are you one of the actors?

Yes, I am.

Hola.

Como esta?

- I'm Lance.
- Hi.

- Me llamo Alana.
- Alana.

Bien. Bien.

- Hey, Gar.
- Lance.

How's things back here?

- Pretty smooth ride, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

Never flown this bird before.

What'd you have for lunch?

Salisbury steak.

I had the chicken.

They did have steak back here?
Good, good.

All right. Well, hey,
very nice to meet you, Alana.

I'll see you on the tarmac.

Charmed.

Wow, super-hot chaperone, Gar.
Nice one.

That's my friend,
don't think about that.

Oh, man, are you kidding?
My mind's racing,

doing circles around
that track.

Hello, boys.

- Hey, Lucy.
- Hi, Lucy.

Hey, Mark, how ya doing?

Good. How are you?

- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Lucy.

Harold.

My name's Henry.
you know?

- How ya doing, Lucy?
- Hey, Lance.

And, Valentine, don't.
Just don't in here.

What's that? What is that? V?
Is that for "vagina"?

Why are you doing that?
Why do people keep doing that?

Peace and love, baby.

Oh, shut it, you little shit.

Now, cut the comedy.
Don't be an ass out there.

Good show, everybody.

- Thank you, Lucy.
- Thank you, Lucy.

Sweetheart, do not embarrass
Mommy, okay? Have fun.

Break legs.

Watch for me on stage.
I'll send you a signal.

I'll make a joke just for you.

- Okay.
- Straight ahead.

She's not
even stopping.

Keep going straight ahead
to the stage.

To the right.

Lucy, I wanna tell you how much
we enjoyed your visit tonight.

Before you go,
I'd like the audience to meet

those wonderful 18 children...

Wonderful.

...who played the kids in
Under One Roof.

I think they'd like that.

- Are they back here?
- Yes.

And here they are!

Rise and shine.

♪ We rise
And shine every morning ♪

♪ Bright and early ♪

♪ Go somewhere else If you
want to sleep Till noon ♪

♪ Bicycle riding and skating
And bowling and dating ♪

♪ The sound of guitars
Not quite in tune ♪

♪ Sometimes it seems like
We're going 'round In circles ♪

♪ And we get hung up
On every little thing ♪

♪ Pick up your toys
Make your bed ♪

♪ Off the telephone ♪

♪ Why do they act
Just like children? ♪

♪ It's a garden that's full
Of noisy flowers ♪

♪ And they're all yours ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And ours ♪

♪ Life is a ball if you have
The bounce to live it ♪

♪ A lollipop any flavor
Sweet or sour ♪

I'm his chaperone.

♪ But you can't take Without
giving That's all part of living ♪

♪ For love is to share ♪

♪ It's yours!
It's mine! It's ours! ♪

- I'm his chaperone.
- Shh!

♪ Just like a ship sailing home
Across the ocean ♪

♪ Some days are calm But you
know when It gets rough ♪

♪ It's gonna take everybody ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ If we work together
We'll make it ♪

♪ On the way There'll be
sunshine There'll be showers ♪

♪ And there'll be yours ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And everybody!
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! ♪

♪ And there'll be yours ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And ours ♪

Lance, how's things
in Hollywood for you?

Oh, things are going
real well, Jerry.

I just did a guest spot on Banacek
with George Peppard for NBC.

George Peppard.
That's great, that's great.

- Thank you.
- How about you, Gary?

Well, last week
I did Three Beavers.

Leave it to Beaver?

Three Beavers.

Hi, what's your name?

Thank you
for asking, Jerry.

- Boo.
- My name is Margo.

Hi, Margo.

- Oh, there you are, my...
- You little shit!

- You little prick.
- What'd I do?

You think you're funny, huh?
You think you're funny?

- Humiliating me in front of millions.
- Lucy! Wait.

- Let me go.
- These are my fans.

You cannot treat me like this.

This is the end for you.
I'm coming to get you.

Oh, baby, are you okay?

- She didn't seem too happy.
- Are you okay?

- No.
- It's okay.

Is she like that all the time?

More or less, yeah.

How are you doing?

- Good.
- Good.

All right, I should go
get out of these pajamas.

- Okay.
- I'll see you.

Bye.

- Thank you, William.
- Thanks, Vic.

Right down the stairs,
young man.

Gary?

- Gary Valentine.
- Vic.

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

What've you been up to, man?

I was in New York on a PR trip for
Under One Roof. The Jerry Best Show.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God, you're huge.

- Oh, hi, Gale.
- Wow.

- Gary.
- Nice to see you.

You've really grown a lot, huh?

- Yeah.
- Good,

you've been eating
your vegetables.

And action.

You can wear the new
Sears 10-in-1 suit this way.

Or this way.

Or try this all-new
vest suit look.

Or seven other ways.

Perfect, man, you still got it.

Thank you, Gary.
Really appreciate it.

- Thanks for coming in.
- How ya doing?

Good. Divorced, but, uh...

- Can we have him read this?
- ...losing weight, so...

- Thank you.
- ...very nice. Oh.

- Well, you look great.
- Thank you.

How about a, uh, cold read?

Sure, let's do it.

And action.

"My face is a..."

Sorry.
Can I do it one more time?

- Sure.
- "My fa..."

"My face is a pimply mess
and I don't know what to do."

Cut. Fantabulous!

- You still got it, man.
- Thank you. Thanks, Vic.

- Really terrific.
- All right.

- Thanks, Gary.
- It was good to see you guys.

- Great to see you.
- Bye, Gary.

- Bye, Gary.
- Bye, you guys.

Mr. Clean Man Show

with special guest
brings a super soulful group

to the Earth in PV
this Tuesday.

Move to Mr. Clean Tuesday
at Earth.

Call 262-0797.

- Yum.
- Mmm.

What you're
listening to

is Todd Rundgren's new album.

Now if you have a pair
of headphones,

you better get 'em out
and get 'em cranked up

'cause they're
really gonna help.

- Something/
- Anything? written, performed

and produced by Todd Rundgren,

now on Bearsville Records,

wherever tapes
and records are sold.

Do you have sinus spray?

Mom, do you wanna eat
the burgers in the car

or at home?

Oh,
you must mean Sine-Off?

- Mmm.
- Exactly.

Do you wanna go home?

Let's go home.

What should Mom do?
Sleep with the kids?

Tell Henrietta no?

Or make sure they all have
their own sleeping bags?

"Make sure they all have

- their own sleeping bags."
- Your 13-year-old daughter

wants to have a co-ed
slumber party.

What should Mom do, Mike?

No question in my mind.
Tell Henrietta no.

Provide separate rooms, uh-uh.

Tell Henrietta no.
That's, that's...

Mike would say,
"Henrietta, no." Sheri?

I would love
to sleep with the kids,

but I think as long as
she's only 13, I agree.

We agree. I would tell her no.
No, no slumber parties.

All right,
Sheri agrees with Mike.

It's a good thing

that you agreed with me
on that one.

Hello?

Hello?

Is Alana there?

Yeah. Who's this?

Lance.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Alana, it's Lance.

I believe that you
should provide separate rooms.

I don't think you should
call the party off, or...

Hello?

Lance?

Hello?

Well,
they might try something.

Can you hear me?

If you're gonna be there
to stop them...

If you're a good parent,
and you're watching...

I can hear
someone breathing.

All right, Chuck,

that's not exactly agreeing
with them, but...

- No.
- Chuck says,

"Provide separate rooms."

Marina, do you agree
with Chuck?

No, this is
where we start again.

We always disagree.

I'm going to tell

Henrietta no.
I think she's too young.

And I wouldn't even let her
have a girl sleeping...

The phone's ringing.

I don't agree with him.
I agree with him.

I don't care if she knows...

So Marina says,

"No. No co-ed slumber
party." Louis?

Well, I think
I'd provide separate rooms.

No, you just can't.

You tell Henrietta no.
She's too young.

Max?

- Yes, ma'am?
- Is there someone there?

Yes, madam.

Okay, Louis.
Provide separate rooms.

Louis says provide
separate rooms. Tracy?

I'd tell Henrietta no
because she's too young.

Mike and Sheri
were the only couple

who agrees with
telling Henrietta no.

Not one of you had said,
suggested sleeping with the kids.

♪ Amen ♪

Nice.

Lance...

are you ready for nice dinner?

- Very ready.
- Good.

Thank you for having me again.

Wonderful.

Are you ready to do a berakhah
on the challah?

Oh, wow, thank you. Uh,

however, I must respectfully refuse.
I'm an atheist.

You're Jewish.

Well, you're certainly right.

I was born into Judaism,

but my personal path
has led me to atheism.

You see, I just can't believe
there's a God

when I see all the suffering in
the world.

Vietnam, you know?

So, with all due respect,
no, sir.

I can't do the blessing,
but thank you.

What does your penis look like?

What?

What does your penis look like?

Like a regular penis, I guess.

Is it circumcised?

Yeah.

Then you're a fucking Jew!

Why would you do that?
Why would you do that?

He was maybe gonna be
my boyfriend.

Listen, young lady,

you don't bring this idiot
to Shabbat dinner here.

Listen, Dad,
he's an atheist, and an actor,

- and he's famous.
- But he's Jewish.

He was gonna take me
out of here.

Este, don't you
even look at me.

Don't you even look at me.

- You're always looking at me.
- No.

- I didn't even say anything.
- What are you doing?

What are you doing?
What are you thinking, huh?

"I'm Este. I work for Mom and Dad.
I'm perfect.

I'm a real estate agent.

Alana doesn't have
her life together.

Alana brings home stupid
boyfriends all the time."

- I mean...
- I knew it.

I knew that was
what you were thinking.

You're always thinking things,
you thinker.

You thinker! You think things!

Gotta stop fighting with
everyone all the time.

Oh, fuck off, Danielle.

Hello, baby.
How can I help you?

What is that?

That is a bed
made of water, sweetheart.

What's your name?

Gary.

Gary,

won't you come in
and take a closer look at it.

It won't bite.

Come on, baby.

It's nice, isn't it?

Hop on.

Groove on that.

How much does it cost?

$69.95.

Do you dig it?

Do you love it?

Nobody's gonna sleep
on mattresses anymore.

That's old hat, Jack.

That's for squares.

Do you sell
a lot of these?

No, you're my first customer.

How long
has it been out?

Just a couple of days.

It's modern edge.

Out-there, sleep and dream technology.

Liquid luxury for you.

You can impress
your lady friend.

Teen-Age
Fair, Hollywood Palladium.

Rock with Jericho,
Crystal Fire,

Nirvana, and others.

Bigger, more fun,
the Teen-Age Fair.

Friday, April 2nd,
6:00 to midnight,

then every day through Easter.

Easily, baby,
but you'd never...

What do you mean
he's upstairs eating?

He's gotta get down here.

Get him on the phone, man,
or get him down here.

- Come on, boys.
- Call Vince.

Now, I'm telling you,

the Teen-Age Fair
is not open, all right?

God Almighty.

I don't know why I come
down here all the time,

I really don't.

You don't listen to me.

Sonny and Cher, Tim.
Sonny and Cher.

Nope. No Sonny.

Nobody cares
but me.

We're not opening yet.
Please don't touch

- the stuff, okay?
- Every single year,

- we show up.
- Okay.

- We're not open yet.
- So you're

- the real Herman Munster?
- Can I have your autograph?

No, we're not open.
Yes, I'm the real Herman Munster,

but you can't be here
right now.

You can't go through here.

Go on!

Kevin!

I got a really good idea.

Okay.

Um, I have my dad's pipe.

So, we should give
your customers some weed

to help sell waterbeds.

Yeah, that is actually
a good idea.

Do you mind grabbing lights
from the car?

- Yeah, okay.
- Thank you.

Weird-ohs.

Let me see.

Taco mini-bike.

Black light.

Photo booth.

Okay. Let's sell some beds.

There's my star.
There's my star.

Well, gather
around, all you cool cats.

Magical. Magical.

Head right here,
facing that way.

Lovely. Lovely. Look that way.
Look that way.

Arm like this. Arm like this.

Who wants to be famous?

- Hey, Gary. Gary. Hey.
- Just guess the amount of...

I think I know where
I can find some LSD.

Do you think that would be
better than the weed?

No, no, no. Keep it
with the grass, man.

- Keep it with the grass.
- All right. Okay, sounds good.

Keep it with the grass.

Have you guys
ever been to the ocean?

- Yeah, why?
- Sure.

You remember that relaxing feeling
of just laying on the water?

- Laying on the water?
- Yeah.

Have that every night
with a Soggy Bottom waterbed.

Keep the energy up, Kiki.

The Los Angeles
Unified School District,

the best district in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Pasadena.

Next up, from the heart
of Burbank is Mary.

Mary is Miss Burbank.

Third generation chef.

Her grandmother
and mother love to cook.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hello, handsome.

Come here often?

No, 'cause I'm not a teenager.

I'm selling earrings
for my friend JoJo.

Is your bottom soggy?
Having trouble sleeping?

Well, now that
you mention it...

Boyfriend trouble?

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it
for all of the finalists.

No boyfriend.

So I don't really have trouble.

Well, that's good.

Let me introduce you

to the greatest invention in
sleeping since the inner spring.

And don't forget,
we have the movies of Tarzana.

I've seen these before.
These are far out.

Oh, hi, Kiki.

Hey, Alana.
What are you doing here?

Seeing this
little David Cassidy.

What are you doing here?

I'm working for him.

Is that so?

So, how many dots is it?

Who knows? I don't think
they even counted.

- Hey!
- Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

- Gary.
- Hey! What's going on?

- Gary!
- Gary!

Officers?

- What's going...
- Gary!

What? Officer, what...

No, Gary! No! No! Gary!

There must
be a mistake.

- Gary!
- Gary, what did you do?

- Officer, what did I do?
- Officers, he's innocent,

- he's a kid.
- I promise I'm innocent.

- He has rights!
- Officer, what did I do?

- What are your badge numbers?
- Officer, what did I do?

- I will be reporting you...
- What did I do?

...to the chief of police
immediately when I get outside.

Where's he going?

Gary, don't worry.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna find you, okay?

Don't worry, okay?

187. Suspect
is wearing a blue shirt,

long red-brown hair.
Suspect is armed and dangerous.

Fuck.

Fuck off, teenagers!

187.

Suspect headed south on Vine,
turned left on Selma.

Headed south on Argyle.

Made a left into the Palladium.

Suspect is wearing
a blue shirt, white pants.

White male, aged 16,
long red-brown hair.

Suspect is armed and dangerous.

I'm not 16, I'm 15.

My birthday is not till next month.

You're going to jail,
big boy.

You're going to jail
for murder.

Have fun in Attica, dickhead.

Hey, that's him?

That's not him.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on!

What did you do?

Did you murder someone, huh?

What, do you have drugs on you?

What did you do, Gary?

Do you still have
the pipe?

No, no...

No, I threw it out.
I threw it out.

Hey, "Soggy Bottom" sounds
like someone shit their pants.

I know, I know.

- That's not good.
- I know.

That's only funny to you guys.

But when someone wants
to buy a bed,

they don't wanna think about
shitting or shitty diapers,

or shit in pants.

Well, the bed's not just
for sleeping, Alana.

Well, if it's not just for sleeping,
I think you mean it's for sex.

"Soggy Bottom" isn't making
anyone hot or horny.

It doesn't make you hot?

No.

"Everybody's talking about
waterbeds these days, right?

And, uh,
it's with good reason,

because the waterbed
is the greatest thing

to happen to sleep since the
invention of the inner spring."

Okay.

"If you've been thinking
about getting a waterbed now,

you can have one delivered
to your very door.

All you gotta do is call the world's
largest manufacturer of waterbeds,

Pacific Waterbeds.

They present Fat Bernie's
king-size waterbeds."

I love the name. Yeah.

"Six foot by seven foot waterbed,
you got a $100 value for only $39.95.

Thirty-nine dollars and
95 cents for your very own

king-size Fat Bernie waterbed
if you act now.

Call 451-3631
and have a Fat Bernie Waterbed

delivered COD right
to your very door.

With a 10-day money-back
guarantee if you're not satisfied.

Your loved one
will love you for it."

Well, whomever he or she may be,
or maybe you have two or three,

or, uh, maybe you wanna tell
somebody that you love them,

you're not exactly sure
how you're gonna do it,

you can tell them with a
king-size Fat Bernie waterbed.

Now, you'll even love
yourself for it.

Maybe all you wanna do is just

ensconce yourself in your own
king-size waterbed

with nobody around
to bother you.

That is some
real narcissism, okay?

It's KPPC Pasadena, we've got
The Doors coming up next.

You're right.
You're always right.

Fat Bernie's,
how may I help you?

- Oh, great.
- Shit. Shit.

Pacific Waterbeds presents
Fat Bernie's Waterbeds.

How may I help you?

- Hiya, Gene.
- Hi.

- What do you got today?
- Hi, Gene.

- Hello.
- Just some boxes.

Okay.

Assholes!

Take it.

Twenty, 25, 30. Just 30.

I got 400. 400.

- 150.
- I have 400,

and then you have...

Wait a sec. What were the five?

Fifty here.

Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.
All right.

- 30.
- There's 21.

Twenty-one's there.

And then
how much was the change?

Wait, I think there
might have been 19 there.

Not that good of a start.

No, we have 21.

No, we only had 19.

"Fat Bernie's..."

It's small on the bottom.

Too many "Fat Bernie's."

Yeah, but it can be small.
That's fine.

And then...

Let's try...

To radiate the specimen
with your ionization nebulizer.

Now, back to the ship.

Are you left-handed?

Yeah. You didn't know that?

No.

I've never met anyone
left-handed before.

Really?

Gary!

- There he is.
- Jerry.

Good to see you. How you doing?

- Good to see you, my friend.
- Good to see you.

- All right.
- Hi, Mioko.

No, no, no. Mioko is gone.

This is my new wife,
Kimiko.

- Hi, Kimiko.
- Pretty as a picture.

Who's this pretty thing?

Uh, this is
my lady friend, Alana.

- How do you do, Alana?
- Business partner.

A pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

Jerry, I want to talk
to you about this,

- by the way.
- Hold up, hold up.

Let's do it right.
Let's sit down

and have something
to drink first, okay?

- Sounds great.
- After you.

Thank you, Jerry.

Oh, Gary, I love you,
and I wanna do anything for you.

But I just don't really think
these fit in my restaurant.

We're Japanese,

and this waterbed business
is strictly American.

Uh, Kimiko,

what you think
of this waterbed?

Mmm-hmm.

What did she just say?

It's hard to tell,
I don't speak Japanese.

Gary, I wanna help,

but can I help without putting
these out inside everywhere?

Oh, hey, Alana.

Hey, Frisbee.

You work here?

Unfortunately.
What are you doing?

Helping my friend
with his waterbed business.

- Gary?
- Yeah. You know him?

Yeah, I love that kid.

- You love him?
- Uh-huh.

How do you know him?

He's in here all the time.
He's a friend of Jerry's.

Yeah.

He's cute for a little hustler.

He's also really smart
and a good businessman.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, you still work
at Tiny Toes?

No, I'm partners with Gary now.

Oh, the "Hand Man."

Did he try and get
a hand job from you?

Yeah, he's asking all the time.

Good. I'll pass
the baton off to you.

Okay, I'll see you
later, Frisbee.

Okay. Say hi
to your sisters for me.

I could describe the sensation
as a soft, spongy, slow-motion trampoline

without the great bounce.

Sexier.

Sexier. Make it sexier.

But there's no...

- Shut up.
- I can't...

There's no floor model
for me to try?

No, but you can get the bed

and if you don't like it,
we can do a money-back guarantee.

Alana, you have to be sexier

- or he's not gonna buy it.
- I think I just wanna

think about it for a while,
then maybe I'll give you a call back.

Don't let him
get off the phone.

What's your name?

Uh, Ted.

Ted.

Yes.

Oh, Ted, I love that name.

Okay...

My name's Alana.

Hi, Alana.

Can I come and install
the bed for you?

What?

I'd lay it down
and show you how it works.

It moves in a similar way
to the ocean...

wet inside.

And it takes some getting used to,
but once you're in there, oh, Ted,

I don't think you're
gonna be asking any questions.

Sounds like you just sold
a waterbed, Alana.

Tell me, what time can you
be over with that bed?

Oh, well. Eager.

I have to wait until
my work is done.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I have a mean, old boss
that makes me work all day.

Why don't you tell Fat Bernie you
have work to do and get out of there?

Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.

Sounds like it.

He keeps me locked up inside.

But you know what, Ted?

What's that?

I know you're
gonna love our wet beds.

- You know what they come with?
- What's that?

A wood headboard.

And that wood is strong and sticks
straight up against the wall.

That sounds great.

We don't have wood headboards.

I'm gonna hand you off
to my associate, Kirk,

and he's gonna take down
all your information,

and I will be
at your place later, Ted.

Thank you for calling Fat Bernie's.
Have a nice day.

What are you doing?
We don't have beds.

Well, we better get some,

because water in a plastic bag
is a water balloon.

With a frame, it's a bed.

Let's just go
to Northridge Lumber,

- they have real good...
- I wrote good dialogue. You're improvising too much.

You told me
to make it more sexy.

I told you to make it
more sexy, I didn't tell you,

"Go over to the guy's house
and get in his bed."

I told you I'm a good actress,
Gary. I told you.

Don't tell me to make it
more sexy, man.

If you want it more sexy,
I'll make it fucking horny.

We just have our own
dreams and ideas.

And so we'll just...

So, just say yes.
To whatever she asks you, just say yes.

Let's say, if she asks you
if you can sing, say yes.

If she asks if you can dance,
say yes.

I can sing, and I can dance.

No, I know. I know. I know.

I'm just saying that
if she asks you

if you can do something that
you might not know how to do,

just say yes.

Because you can always
learn how to do something

once you get the part.

So just say yes
to whatever she asks.

Whatever she asks,
just say yes.

- Just say yes, just say yes...
- Okay, I got it.

Okay.

- Hi, Janice.
- Hi, Gary.

- Mary.
- Oh, darling.

So, Gary tells me
that you've been studying

at Everywoman's Village
with Milton Farmer.

Yes.

I love his work
with young actors.

He is a miracle worker.

You have a warm smile,

which is very powerful.

And you have
a very Jewish nose,

which is becoming
very fashionable.

I am getting
a lot more requests

for Jewish girls.

Really? That's great.

No.

No.

No.

Love to Tatum.

Are you athletic?

You seem to have
a very firm body.

Yes.

Do you know
how to horseback ride?

Yes.

Uh, do you know
how to do fencing?

Yes, I can fence.

- Basketball?
- Yes.

- Baseball?
- Yes.

- Soccer?
- Yes.

Any other sports or special
skills that I should know about?

I studied Krav Maga.

Well, I don't know what that is.
What is "Quick Draw McGraw"?

It's martial arts from Israel.
It's used in combat.

My dad was in the Israeli Army.
We all know it.

So it's a form of karate,
let's say?

It's more like, "How to use a
pen to stab someone's eye out."

You're a goddamn
fucking fighter, aren't you?

I like that.

I can see that.

You come here
trying to be all pretty for me,

but really, you remind me...

of a dog.

Of an English pit bull dog...

with sex appeal...

and...

a very Jewish nose.

Do you know
any other languages?

Besides English?

Hebrew.

- Besides Hebrew.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Um... Spanish...

Oh.

French...

Mmm-hmm.

Latin...

And Portuguese.

Bueno.

Fantastico.

Would you
be willing to work topless?

Yes.

No.

You will lose out on work if
you're not willing to do nudity.

So you'd be naked in a movie,
but you wouldn't make out with me?

You'd show the whole world your
boobs, but I'm not allowed to see?

You told me to say yes
to everything, remember?

I told you to say no
to that, Alana.

Well, I didn't know
what to say.

Say "no!"

I would get naked in a movie
if it gave me the part.

Actresses get naked in movies
all the time.

What's wrong with that, Gary?

Because there's too much nudity

- in pictures right now.
- Oh, come on.

And you're my friend.
We're friends, Alana.

And you'd do it in a movie,

you'd show your boobs in a movie
but you wouldn't show them to me!

Why won't you ask someone
your age to see their boobs?

Because I'm asking you!

Do you really wanna
see my boobs?

Yes.

- Where's Greg?
- He's in his room.

Can I touch them?

No.

If you ever say anything to anyone,
I'm never speaking to you ever again.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Do you think it's weird I hang out
with Gary and his friends all the time?

No.

I think it's weird.

It is whatever you think it is.

I think it's weird
that I hang out with Gary

and his 15-year-old friends all
the time.

A public
service from Earth Limited.

Are you happy?

Yes, I'm happy. Are you happy?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Of course, I'm happy!

You look so great.

Really?

Wow.

The best kind of vinyl.

Like, "Land-ho..."

as it says on the sign.

It says "Land ho!" right there.

- You can float away on it.
- Riverboat.

Great for your back
and your neck.

And you could just
float away on a boat.

Right on your back,
or right here.

And Arabian vinyl

- is the best kind of vinyl.
- It's the best kind.

Nothing will puncture.
We tested it.

We tested it under, like,

the worst conditions.

This is our "Big Bernie."

- It's the "Serious Sleeper."
- That right? Mmm-hmm.

Um... "It's the classic design
copied by all the others."

Guys, calm down.

Don't wrestle on the bed, okay?

I know she likes the bean bag,
but you need the Big Bernie.

Deanna.

You stop! Shut up!

Sue Pomerantz.

Gary Valentine.

This is our "Arabian Night,"

our highest-end model, and also
made from 100% Arabian vinyl.

This is Fat Bernie's
personal king-size mattress.

He has the heater, the
headboard, the side ashtrays,

- and the lamp fixtures.
- Hmm.

And what happens
if Fat Bernie falls asleep

while he's smoking
in his waterbed?

That is a great question.

Actually, the water is too cold to
allow the cigarette to burn through.

- Oh, that's smart.
- Uh-huh.

So, it's cold?

Well, in the summer, it is,
and in the winter, it isn't.

Let me take you over here,
"Land Ho, The Riverboat,"

made with, also, Arabian vinyl.

Hi, welcome
to Fat Bernie's.

Don't forget to sit
in the bean bag chair.

Fat Bernie's waterbeds,
bean bag chairs.

Hi, welcome to Fat Bernie's.

Hi.

Welcome to Fat Bernie's.

These are UL approved.

And if they say you can do it,
you can do it.

Hi. And who is this, Gary?

Gary. Hi. I'm the manager here.

- I'm Alana.
- Mmm.

Alana, Sue. Sue, Alana.

- Hi.
- Hello,

it's nice to meet you.

Hey, Gary, can I steal you
for a second?

I just wanna see how you want
these orders written out.

I'll be right there.

Well, I really need
to know soon,

because I really want
the paperwork to be correct.

We don't wanna get it wrong
on the first day, do we?

I'll be right there.

Is everything okay?

Yes, of course.

Is that your girlfriend?

No, that is not my girlfriend.

Does it seem like
she's my girlfriend?

Kind of.

No. I mean...

No. She works for me.

She used to be my babysitter.

Now, I'm gonna take you
over here. This is the...

I'm so high.

Kirk got me stoned.

Okay...

I'm very happy, Gary.

Mmm-hmm.

Congratulations.

We did this together,
didn't we?

- Uh-huh. We did. Okay.
- We did it.

Are you happy?

Oh, shit.

Hey, come back, toots.

Sunday Night Movie

presents some of the most
outstanding feature films

in motion picture history.

Excuse me. What the fuck?

Alana.

You know, Rainbow,
you're a complete mystery to me.

I don't know a word about you.

I don't know who your friends
are, if you've got parents...

Alana!

...if you're in
some kind of trouble...

You can tell me, you know.

There's
no mystery here, Frankie.

I come from
Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

I know,
I've heard all the jokes.

I didn't say a word.

It gets better.

You have to
pass through "Faithful"

to get there.

That must be quite
some cross to bear.

My parents are dead.

They were killed in an automobile
accident five years ago.

They were nice people.

Nothing really happens
in Intercourse, you know.

So as soon as
I graduated high school,

I grabbed my bag and my guitar,
and I came to California.

And, cut-a-rooski.

- That was wonderful.
- Thank you, Alana.

This says you know
how to ride a horse.

Yes.

And you speak Portuguese.

Mmm-hmm.

Rainbow loves horses
and archery.

That's a subplot
we've been developing.

We would wanna make sure that
actresses under consideration

are capable
of doing these things.

Yes, I can do both.

Thank you, Alana.
Thank you for coming.

I feel like I've been with
Rainbow for 10 minutes,

don't you, Jack?

Absolutely.

Thank you, Mr. Holden.

You know...

you remind me of Grace.

Kelly?

Mr. Holden,

another martini, sir?

Yes, please.

Another?

Sure.

- Make it three.
- Okay.

I've never had
a martini before.

They're good.

The jungle.

That's where I'm most myself.

Not this jungle.

Africa.

Oh. Yes, Africa.

I saw two of my best Black
friends beheaded in the Congo.

I'll tell you intimacies
I've shared with no one.

But don't ask me
about Kuala Lumpur.

Is this lines

or is this real?

You're such
a delicate creature.

You are Rainbow.

I'm Jewish.

What's funny?

It's true.

Is that Rex damn Blau?

Who said Blau?

Right over here. Blau!

Jack!

Wait till you meet

this character.

Jack goddamn Holden. Bang.

You son of a bitch from hell,
get over here.

You shiny, golden,

tall, inexpensive prick.

- My goodness.
- It's so good to see you.

There is God's...

Think of any six
numbers, I can guess them.

- Okay.
- I can guess them. All right.

- Okay.
- You're thinking

six, three, four, five.

- Hey.
- Henri!

- Always happy to see you.
- Good to see you.

- Good to see you as well.
- Yeah, are you staying?

I'm great, yes. Of course.

Hey. We can always do
take-out tonight.

- He looks around.
- No way.

He's all scruffy.

Interesting development
to the plot, Henri.

Well, let's not have
any trouble, please.

No trouble, no trouble.

This is Tail o' the Cock,
this is my place.

Yes, I'm staying.

It's a table for four, please.
Table 38?

Well, tonight you might want
a different table.

- What do you think?
- Table 38, Henri.

With direct sight lines.

Direct sight lines, huh? Okay.

Oh, no.

Full of gas
on the railroad.

Now, you know what
I'd like to say...

Have you ever seen him
on a bike?

I see it spin.

Good.

I know you know I knew

- and know I do.
- No. Yeah, well...

I'm patient. I'm a patient man.

The hell you are.

There is this kind of
a biblical feeling...

Yeah, but...
It's just not.

Someone
will be right over.

- Thank you, Henri.
- Thank you.

Watch, you gotta watch him.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.
Whatever it isn't.

Jack,

you know what I got out there
in the parking lot right now?

- Right on.
- Mmm.

650cc.

No, no. You mischievous man.

A full desert sled.
It's out there for you, Jack.

It's built for you.

- I'm seeing it spin now.
- It's spinning.

I know it's spinning,
and it's gotta spin back.

Come on,
you know you want it.

- No.
- You know you need it.

Oh, yeah, you do.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah, you bet.

Gary, Gary, Gary, I see Alana.

Kirk,
assassin's focus.

Gritted teeth
and fixed bayonets.

- Armand!
- Okay. Bastard.

What are you guys
talking about?

Bastard.

What are we doing?

Yes, Mr. Rex?

Armand, I need three
wing-back chairs from the bar,

I need a bottle of Everclear,

I need plenty of grease
from the kitchen.

And I want you to meet me
on the eighth hole

by the sand trap,
dos minutos. Pronto.

Apurarse.

We're burning daylight!

I gotta do some prep.
I'll see you kids later.

Did you see No Time for Honor?

- With Jack Holden?
- Yeah.

Do you guys
wanna order martinis?

I can get us martinis.

I'll get us
four martinis right now.

"The Bridges span a narrow gap
between two targets.

They're the most important
targets in all of Korea.

Consequently,
they're fortified accordingly.

Although we're only over
the targets 30 seconds,

it's a lifetime."

We're going to Korea?

I don't understand.

But I'm sexy, right?

"Every gun imaginable

is hidden in those mountainsides.

And the men behind the guns..."

Mmm-hmm.

"They know where
we're coming from

and where we're headed.

We're gonna fly
right between them.

We're gonna fly
low and straight

with no element of surprise.

And they're just sitting there

waiting for us,

hoping we'll come.

Those are the Bridges
of Toko-San, Nancy."

Ladies and gentlemen,

good people of The Cock,

put that dinner down.

That salad can wait.

Let that steak get cold.

'Cause tonight, we have a man who
needs no introduction, really.

His name is Mr. Jack Holden.

That's right.

And if you've seen
his pictures,

then you know
that every goddamn one of them

has got Jack riding
a motorcycle,

as if it's the only way

to travel.

Whether he's in the jungle,
or he's in Manila,

or he's in Paris,

or if he's in Rio de Janeiro.

They don't have taxis
in the desert.

Thank you, Jack.

And for those of you

who perhaps may have seen
a little film called,

The Bridges of Toko-San...

Yeah.

Kirk.

Jack

and the beautiful Grace Kelly.

Well, tonight, you're lucky,
'cause tonight,

we bring Toko-San
right here to Encino.

That's right. That's right.

Thank you. Thank you.

On your feet now,
follow me to the eighth hole.

Here we go.

Would you mind to play Grace?

Jack, I don't know
how to ride a motorcycle.

You just have to hold on tight.

Let's ride.

That's my Rainbow.
Rainbow rides.

Fire up those torches! Now!

Hold on, people. Single file.

Single file. There we go.

Okay. Right along the ridge.
Right along the ridge.

Thank you, good people.

Okay, Armand,

will you handle
that crowd for me?

Okay.

All right, people.
I need some more flame.

More flame.

God.

It's a great night for a jump.

I can't believe it!

He came here.
He's definitely gonna do it.

I can't wait
to see this shit.

Oh,
he's gonna do it.

All right.

Can I have some quiet
on the set?

Roll sound.

Roll camera A.

Roll camera B.

Okay. Mark it.

Action, Jack.

Do you even remember
what my real name is?

Whoa.

Keep your gas.
Attaboy. Attaboy.

Looks like he's coming in hot.

I'm coming, Nancy!

Yeah!

I fucked up Danielle's guitar.

Are you okay?

I fucked up Danielle's guitar.

Oh, man.

I'm all right!

Toko-San! Toko-San!

Toko-San! Toko-San!
Toko-San! Toko-San!

This man needs a drink!

- To the Cock!
- To the Cock!

Toko-San! Toko-San!

Toko-San!

Toko-San! Toko-San!

...decided to
use their oil as a political weapon.

They will reduce oil production

by 5% a month

until the Israelis withdraw
from occupied territory.

If the Arab countries
keep that pledge,

it would reduce
their production

by almost 50% in one year.

According
to some of our leaders,

as the Arab
oil embargo continues,

the situation will become
increasingly worse

and we may be forced into
a gas rationing program.

The immediate shortage

will affect the lives
of each and every one of us.

In our factories, our cars,
our homes, our offices,

we will have to use less fuel

than we are
accustomed to using.

The fuel crisis need
not mean...

Did you know there was
an oil embargo?

...require
some sacrifice by all.

Wait, what?

Do you understand any of this?

Major tie-ups like these

are becoming more frequent
in Los Angeles.

- Will your gas supplies...
- Huh?

...hold out very long?

The beds are made
from vinyl, Gary.

Vinyl is made from oil.

Do you have
any idea what that means?

It is?

Fucking duh. What did you
think it was made out of?

- Gold?
- I don't know.

I thought it was, um...

- What? Magic?
- I thought it was...

Like a scientific fabric.

I thought it was like a rubber.

Which is also made
out of oil, dipshit.

Filled up. Have to wait till
I got some money to get it filled up.

I tried to pump gas

on the way home last night

and had a little success.

What little money I had on me,

I got a couple of dollars' worth,
but, I'm afraid for the weekend.

It's the end
of the world, Greggo.

Hey, fellas.

Hello.

Which one is in charge?
Are you? Are you in charge?

Yeah, I'm in charge.

May I just speak with you
for a second?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

You can tell your crew to stop.

Stop for a sec, guys.

Um...

So, this is what
I wanna say to you.

Um...

- Do you know who I am?
- Yeah.

Do you know who
my girlfriend is?

Barbra Streisand.

Barbra "Streisand."

- "Sand."
- "Sand." Yeah, like "sands."

- Like the ocean, like beaches.
- Barbra Streisand.

No. "Streisand."

"Sand."

- "Streisand."
- "Streisand."

"Barbra Streisand."

"Barbra Streisand."

Are you fucking with me?

All right, let's get past that.

Hopefully, you never
fucking meet her.

She'll fucking...
You think I'm bad.

So, we're going to the movies right
now and I'm on my way to pick her up,

so I'm gonna leave you here.

But, I wouldn't normally leave somebody
in my house when I'm not there,

but I have to because you guys
are so motherfucking late.

- I'm sorry. There was no gas.
- Yeah, well,

that's an excuse I'm gonna shove
up your fucking penis hole, man.

What's your name?

- Gary.
- Gary. Gary.

How big is your penis hole?

It's regular sized.

Hmm. How would you know?

Imagine what that would feel like,
if I shoved that excuse up there.

- That would hurt a lot, right?
- Yeah.

But that's what I'd like to do.

I'm sorry, I don't wanna
make you any more late

than you already are.
You can leave.

Look at you,
you cocky motherfucker.

I like it.

We speak the same language, huh?
We're both from the streets.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I didn't see it before.
That's... Wow.

Wow, you get right in there
and you do it.

Wow. You have a little, um...

You have a tincture
in your left eye.

It means that you're deficient
in vitamin K.

I'm like a fucking doctor.

You need to take more vitamin D
and cod liver oil.

You see that Daytona Ferrari?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's mine.

Gary, that's filled with gas.

That's gonna get me
to the movies on time.

'Cause I'm not
a shithead idiot fuck-up,

I'm Jon Peters.

My only problem in life
is that I love tail too much.

I love it. I love it so much.

I love it so much.

- Is that your sister?
- No.

- It's your girlfriend?
- No.

I love it so much,
it's gonna kill me one day.

- You know how much tail I get?
- No.

All of it.

It's all mine.

- You like Barbra Streisand?
- Yeah...

- You do?
- Mmm-hmm.

Do you?

Yeah.

I do, too.

Gets boring, but you know...

Yeah.

I'm gonna kill you
and your family

if you fuck up my house.

- Okay? Do you have a cat?
- No. No.

- You got a dog?
- No.

- Your brother and sister...
- Brother.

Yeah. Your brother?
I'm gonna fucking choke

your brother out
right in front of you.

Okay, Steve's gonna look
after you while I'm gone.

Uh, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Gary.

I want you to be horrified.

- Okay.
- Your life's on the line.

But you know from that, right?

It's the way of the streets.

Miss Streisand?

Hi, it's Steve. Mmm-hmm.

Yes, he just left.

I also thought you might wanna know
that he ordered a waterbed this evening.

Right now. Mmm-hmm.

Four small children and a girl
or a young woman.

To be honest,
I don't know what she is.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

Yes. Sure will. Thanks,
Miss Streisand. Uh-huh. Bye.

Okay.

I used to work
with Julie Andrews.

Oh.

She was difficult.

Mmm-hmm.

He said he was gonna kill Greg.

We're done, let's go.

Boo.

Jerks.

"I'm gonna choke your brother."

Uh-huh.

I kept it inside,
but what I wanted to say was,

"No, I'm gonna choke you."

- Oh, yeah?
- I would've said it.

I was trying
to stay cool though.

I was trying to stay...

Scooch over.

Back it up. Oh, fuck.

We're going back
up the hill, okay?

Okay.

How'd it turn out?

It was good. Went well.

You didn't fuck up my house,
did you?

No.

You okay? Can you see okay?

- Yeah.
- Well, why don't you just...

Why don't you just back in the
driveway, and then you can go straight.

Steve. Steve.

You blew it, man.
You blew it. Did she call?

No.

God damn it, Steve.

Where the fuck is the...
God damn.

There's no gas-o
in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o.

Motherfucker.

How long you guys
been together?

- Me and her?
- Yeah.

- Oh, we're not together.
- We're not together.

Why not?

I don't know.

What?

I'm 28.

- What's that?
- I'm 25.

You're 25?
When's your birthday?

- December.
- December.

Are you a Capricorn?
Sagittarius?

- Sagittarius.
- Sagittarius.

December what? 13?

- Fifteen.
- Fifteen.

I was only two off.

What do you wanna do
if you're not gonna do hair?

Do you have sisters,
or brothers, or anything?

Sisters.

Are they older or younger?

Older.

So you're the youngest?

How about your dad?

Do you have a good relationship
with your dad?

- Yeah.
- What's he do?

Real estate.

Oh, yeah?

Did he teach you how to drive?

You're really good at it.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

It's not easy.
Gary can't do it.

All right. Just slow it down now, okay?
There she is.

Okay, do you have
enough room? Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.
- You sure?

I think so.

I parked on the side
so no one would hit it.

You know what? Here.

I don't want you to have to bear
the burden in case we hit it.

Here, why don't
I take the wheel,

and then you just
put your foot on the clutch

and just feather the brake.

That's it.
We'll do it together, okay?

Yeah, we'll do it together, okay?
Here we go.

Oh, yeah. Smooth.
Smooth, yeah. Just breathe.

We got it. Yeah, we got it.
I think we got it.

Look. Look, look. Over there.
You see?

We got it.

We did it.

That's so good, Alana.

Oh.

- Yeah. No.
- We didn't hit it at all.

I...

Oh, you smell so good. Whoo!

Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary.

Get some gas,
I'll be on my way.

Oh, shit.
Look at this line, man.

Fucking sardines
packed in a can.

Go, just make a left here.

I'm not fucking waiting
in this motherfucker.

All right, let that car just go past.
There you go.

Okay, now, stop it.

Oh, they'll...
They'll move out of the way.

Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay, stop the car.

God! Fuck. Son of a bitch.
Fucking shit!

What you got, motherfucker?

Fucking Chumash Territory!

Goddamn sons of bitches
don't even know where they are.

Yeah, motherfucker,
that's right.

It's my nozzle now.

Go. Let's go. Let's go.

- Just reverse it.
- Now?

Reverse, reverse, reverse.

- It's your move!
- Okay.

- Relax.
- It's my nozzle.

Want some gas, Jon?
I got your gas.

I got your gas right here, Jon.

Jon Peters' Ferrari...

No.

Come on.

Oh, no.

Where are we?

I don't know.

No, no, no, we ran out of gas.
You have to push the truck.

The fuck are you staring at?
Push the truck.

What are you doing?

Get in.

Hold on.

If we get lucky
and make the light at Ventura,

I think I can make a right
and get us to the 76 station.

If you make the left,
the Mobil station's closer.

I'm gonna blow this stop sign.

I trust you.

Oh!

Oh, my...
Alana! Hard! Core!

Hardcore, Alana!

Fellas, you okay back there?
You okay?

Oh, my... We did it!
We... You...

Alana, you did it. I...
We did it!

Oh!

How did we survive?

What the...

It's a goddamn newsstand
in the middle of fucking...

Yeah, you fucking...
Yeah, that's right.

Did you hear that
whole thing that went down

with that other instructor

at the courts the other day?
It was, like...

- Hey.
- Hi.

Do you like
peanut butter sandwiches?

Peanut butter?

- Not really. No.
- No?

Like,
creamy or nutty?

However you like it.

I like it a bit nutty.

Who's got
the better backhand?

You do.
No, you have the serve.

You have a bigger serve.

- She's got a good ground game?
- Yeah.

- Hello?
- Brian?

Yes?

Hi, it's Alana Kane.

Drive their own cars...

Alana.

Wow. Hi. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm doing fine.

What are you doing?

Not much.

I was calling to see if you
still work for Joel Wachs?

Yes, I sure do.

Well, do you need volunteers?

We always do.

Do you mean you?

Yes.

Alana...

please come and work with us.
We need you.

I've seen how
you do your homework.

Oh, my God,
you remember that?

Yes, of course.
How could I forget?

We need you.

Alana.

Hi.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?

I'm good.
Good, it's good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Let me introduce you
to everybody.

Welcome to our campaign.

I'm just gonna
give this to you.

Tess, this is Alana...

- Hi.
- ...our newest volunteer.

- Nice to meet you.
- Over here is Elizabeth.

We have Richard.
They're in a meeting.

We have Spencer,
Chuck's on the phone.

Let me introduce you.
Hey, Ted. Ah, he's busy.

Don't worry about it.

So, here's where we're gonna
be spending most of our time.

We're making phone calls.

Joel, you're the youngest
councilman in the city,

you're also its only bachelor.

- Yes.
- How do you find time

for a social life?

Being single means
I have more time to work,

and a councilman's schedule

pretty much ruins
the social life anyways, so...

What do your dates
say about that?

They're not
saying anything.

I'm not going on any dates.

As you can imagine,

it's probably pretty difficult
for somebody

to be a part of all the social
events that I'm a part of.

You know,
keep up with my busy schedule.

But, um...

I imagine someday soon
somebody's gonna come along

who'll wanna share that
with me, so...

Certainly you have
some prospects?

I can't tell you
how many times I've heard,

"Boy, have I got
the girl for you."

And I've met some pretty magnificent
women through my district residents.

But I'll tell you
what I tell them,

and that's, "I'm sorry
but my time is spoken for."

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.

Let's get
one photo for the paper,

if you don't mind,
Councilman Wachs.

- It's "Wachs."
- Wachs. Wachs.

If you don't mind,
let's have you... Yeah.

Let's have you stand with
your mother over here, yeah?

Have a nice little picture
of you guys, and...

- For sure.
- Since you're doing so much

for his campaign.

There you go.
Put your hand...

Why don't you put your hand on
her shoulder? And then, ma'am,

- if you grab the telephone...
- Councilman?

- Yes?
- We'll handle it, sir.

Wanted to introduce you to a
friend of mine. This is Alana Kane.

- She's a volunteer.
- Oh, hey.

- Oh, volunteer. Wow.
- Hi. It's an honor

- to meet you.
- Wow, what a pleasure.

No, I'm honored to meet you.
Thank you for coming on board.

I have integrity.

Me too.

- I know.
- Honest.

- Okay.
- Mmm-hmm. I'm that too.

This is public land which
the state bought for $34,000

when everyone knew
it was worth millions.

Sam Yorty and his cronies would
gladly destroy this beautiful

225,000 square acre mountain chain
for favors, payoffs, and ugly houses

that only their friends
can afford.

But it needn't be that way,
you see.

I understand it's crazy,

and everybody's talking
about a revolution,

but it doesn't have to be that.

All that we need are people
in positions of power

to remember to be who they were
when they were voted in.

And cut. That was great.

- I think that was the one.
- That felt really good.

- Yeah, I mean, that was terrific, Joel.
- It was great.

It did.

You ready? We good?

- Yeah.
- Good.

What would you say
to the people that think

you're too young and don't
have enough experience?

I would say, "Thank you
very much for the compliment."

Sorry, sorry, just...

Can you say that again?
We didn't get that.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Councilman.

Everybody rolling? Good?

One more time.

So, Councilman,

what would you say
to the people that say,

"You're too young and don't
have enough experience"?

I would say, "Thank you
very much for the compliment."

The way I look at it...

I'm sorry.
Are you rolling? Did you...

- Are you rolling?
- I think we rolled out.

We're gonna need to take five.
I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

So, Joel, don't forget,
tomorrow we got that

Toluca Lake neighborhood
council thing.

- Yeah.
- They'd love you there at 10,

if you can get there.

What's been going on
with the pinball?

Art's calling me...

Did you hear about
Judge Sachs?

- I did, yeah.
- It's over.

He lost five games to nothing.
So that's done.

- That's it?
- Pinball will be legal again

in LA for
the first time since...

- Wow
- It's been illegal since 1939.

- Can you believe it?
- I can believe it.

It's an outmoded
discriminatory law

in the first place so,
of course it took this long.

If I'm gonna call Art, I need to
know 100% that this thing is passing.

Oh, it's passing.
It's done.

I talked to all my people
with the court.

It's over.

- Decision comes out tomorrow.
- Good.

Yes,
it's Gary Valentine.

I started a new company, and, um,
I'm looking for some pinball machines.

No?

Okay.

Well, thank you for picking up my call.
Have a good day, Jimmy.

Are you doing what I think
you're doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Calling people
about pinball machines.

That's what I'm doing.

Because?

Because we could be the first
place open that has them.

Because we could start
"Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace."

You know, we spent the day
with a great man

who's really trying to make
a change on how this city runs,

and the only thing
you fucking heard was,

"Pinball machines
are about to be legal."

I heard other things, too.

Yello. Gary Valentine here.

Don, thank you for
calling me back so swiftly.

"Swiftly"?

- Who are you?
- Yes.

Yes.

Is there a time that's convenient for
you, within your plans,

that I could come lay
some eyes on the equipment?

- Give me a fucking break, Gary.
- Great. Great.

I'm 10 minutes away, I'll be right over.
Thank you so much, Don.

I'm not driving you.

That's great news
'cause I can drive myself.

Hmm.

You're gonna go on your own?
Big man.

Yes, I am.

You smoke those cigarettes,
you're gonna throw up like a little bitch.

These cigarettes?

These ones right here?

"King size Mayburn."

You don't have
the balls.

I'm cooler than you.

Don't forget it.

I don't need you to tell me
whether I'm cool or not, old lady.

- What was that?
- I said "milady."

- I said "milady."
- What was that, then?

- What was that?
- "My lady."

I don't need you to tell me
whether I'm cool or not.

You're not cool,
and your breath smells.

Says you.

And you're old.

I'm old?

I don't know what's cool?

Changing the world isn't cool?

Go ask Brian if you're cool.

I will.

Who thinks you're cool, Gary?

Your waterbed fans?

Sue, Kirk, and Mark?

I hang out with
more people than that.

You don't even know
what's going on in the world.

You think that the world
revolves around Gary Valentine

and whatever stupid shit
you come up with.

- It does.
- It doesn't.

- It does.
- It doesn't. It's about more.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

Alana, you would still
be taking pictures

at my high school of children
if it wasn't for me.

You're talking
about pinball machines...

I'm a politician.

I need to get my life together.

So, get it together.

Where are you going?

I'm going out.

Okay, I'll take you.

Come on, you wanna go see these
stupid pinball machines or what?

Gary, I'm gonna take you,
it's fine.

Gary.

What is your problem?

Don't you get in that car.

Don't you fucking
get in that car.

Gary fucking Valentine,
if you get in that...

I will never
speak to you ever again.

Just stop.

Good morning.
This is Alana Kane

calling from Councilman
Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you
at a good time?

I'm calling to ask
if you've heard

of the councilman's efforts to
reduce corruption in our local...

Well, fuck you, then.

So, um, what's going on
with the analysis?

Oh, yeah,
that's Len Barton's thing.

They're small, but...

Good morning.
This is Alana Kane

calling from Councilman
Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you
at a good time?

Yes, I'm calling...

- Alana.
- Oh, I'm so sorry,

- I have to go.
- Oh, sorry about that.

- Um...
- Sorry.

Is it okay
if I tell you something?

Yeah.

Um, I've been known to be

a little forgetful,
absent-minded, and, um...

Look at me, I can't even
remember what I'm saying.

But, ever since
you've gotten here,

I've been very organized,
capable, and inspired.

So, thank you for that.

Thank you, Councilman.

That's it.

Good morning.
This is Alana Kane

calling from
Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you
at a good time?

I'm calling to ask
if you've heard

of the councilman's efforts to
reduce corruption in our local...

Well, fuck you, then.

Councilman Joel Wachs' office.
This is Alana. How may I help you?

- Hey, it's me.
- Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

Working. What are you doing?

Gary just came by and dropped off
a flier for his Pinball Palace.

What did he say?

Well, he wanted to see
if we would go.

And he wanted to make sure
you knew about it.

What else did he say?

Well, I think he misses you.

He said that?

No, but he looked really sad.

And sweet.

He asked about Brian.

Hmm.

You should just go to
his pinball store.

I can't, I'm working.

But they have free Pepsi.

And it's open till midnight.

- Pepsi...
- There's a band.

Free Pepsi... Danielle,

I'm eliminating state
property tax for the elderly,

and saving the mountains,
and you're talking about free Pepsi.

Brian, do you see
that guy over there?

Number 12 guy?

Yeah. I think
he's spying on us.

He keeps looking over here
like a creep.

He doesn't look weird to you?

He does a little.

He's been there all morning.

Go say something to him.

Just leave him.

If he stays there too long,
I'll say something.

Yeah, you too. Thursday?

Can I help you?

I don't know.

You're staring at our office.

Yeah, my eyes need
someplace to go.

What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for my friend.

Who's your friend?

No one you'd know.

Move it.

Away from our office.
Go down the street.

Well...

This is a free country...

so why don't you just go on
back to your little office

before I start
asking you questions.

Is there a problem?

Not from me.

Why don't you get out of here?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm on my way.

- What was he saying?
- I don't know.

- Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
- Tonight.

Come out to the Pinball Palace.

Come to Fat Bernie's

Pinball Palace tonight.

Guest band and a free Pepsi.
Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

2001. Fireball. Jive Time.

Fat Bernie's
Pinball Palace, tonight.

Kirk's gonna pick you up
after school.

Hand as many of these out
as you can.

- Okay.
- Okay. I love you.

No age limit at Fat Bernie's
Pinball Palace tonight.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
Opens at sundown.

Pinball Palace.
Opens at sundown.

Come to Pinball Palace.
Opens at sundown.

We got Fireball,
we got Jive Time...

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
Opens at sundown.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

Free Pepsi. Opens at sundown.

We got Fireball at
Pinball Palace. Fat Bernie's.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, Kirk.
- Ladies.

Hi, Gary.
Please step up over here.

You have a dinner tonight, sir?

I hope so. I hope so.

That's great.

Jacket. Mmm-hmm.

Hey, hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.

You're gonna break the machine.

Hey.

Hey, man, cool out.

Hey, can you hear me?
Buddy, stop!

Hey, I'm telling you
to fuck off, man.

Okay. Okay, you're out of here.

You're out of here.

Come inside when
you're ready to be cool.

What is this? What is this?

Bikes to the side.

Jack, Matty, bikes to the side.

- They are on the side!
- Bikes to the side,

you're blocking the entrance!

Hand me that jacket.

Here. Don't know whose it is.

Yeah.

I'm really glad you're here.

I told you that?

I'm glad I'm here, too.

Councilman Wachs' office.
Alana speaking.

Oh, Alana,
I'm so glad I caught you.

Oh, hi, Councilman.

Hi. I was wondering,
if you're not too busy,

if you could come meet me
for a drink?

Me?

Yes, you. It'll be nice, right?

We could have a quick drink,
I was thinking, Rive Gauche?

That sounds nice.

Just one small drink.

I don't wanna keep you
too long, but, um,

you should come straight away.

It's important.

Right, straight away.

Thanks so much, Alana.
See you soon.

I'll see you soon.

The councilman
forgot his wallet.

- Again?
- Yeah.

He's never gonna win, is he?

What do you mean?

He's a mess.
Forgets everything.

If it's not his wallet,
it's his keys or his briefcase.

I've gone to his house three
times to pick up paperwork.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
he's not gonna win.

- I'll go with you.
- No.

No.

No.

Just finish locking up.

Okay.

Found it.

Guess I'll see you later?

Sure.

Wanna meet at Tarzana Bobs?

Tarzana Bobs. Sounds good.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Stop playing.
Stop playing. Leave.

- But I put my money...
- Leave. Leave.

- But, I...
- I own the place. Leave.

- Hello, Este.
- Hey.

- Hey, Gary.
- Hey.

This is really great.

Someone did their toes.

- I did do my toes.
- I like them. I like them.

- I like them. I like them.
- Thank you.

- Thank you for coming. Really.
- It's a big night.

You ladies look great.

Thank you.

Did you get a chance to talk
with Alana?

- Fuck!
- She gonna come?

You know where
she works, right?

Yeah.

Are you telling me to go? I...

Yeah.

Go.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

No, I spoke to her,
and I said,

"No, it's not possible to do
that."

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah?

- And she was okay?
- Yeah, she was fine with it.

Alana!

Alana.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I wanna introduce you
to my old friend, Matthew.

Oh, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- This is Alana.

She works with me
on the campaign.

She's been
such a terrific help.

- Mmm-hmm.
- I...

She helped make
those TV spots, actually.

Yes. I helped with
the "Integrity" billboard.

That and, like,
100 other things you've done.

Don't be shy.

Things come easily
when they matter so much.

It's funny, we were
just talking about that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Madame.
- Hi.

May I get
you something?

Uh... A martini.

Martini. Vodka or gin?

Vodka-gin.

Would you like
an olive or a lime with it?

Yes.

Yeah, madame.

Why am I even staying in this?

Did you have any
trouble, um, finding the place?

- Oh, no.
- No?

No, I come here all the time.

That's good.

And now, you're dragging
this poor girl into it.

Can we please
just enjoy dessert?

And settle down?
Everything's gonna be fine.

Alana's got her drink coming.

Is that your campaign slogan?

"Everything is gonna be fine

as long as no one finds out
who I really am."

I'm dealing with so many
things that you don't understand.

So tell me.

Do you have any idea how
uncomfortable I am all day long?

I can't understand.
No, because you don't tell me these things.

The one time, the one time
that I wanna feel comfortable,

you go out
and make me feel uncomfortable.

I haven't done
anything to you, Joel.

Okay.

I didn't call this girl.
You called her.

Okay, but you're upset
that I called her.

Yes, I'm upset
because nothing is about me.

Nothing is about us.

Oh, yeah, I forget
who I'm dealing with here.

"I'm Matthew Marshall,
and, uh, it's always about me."

No.

No, no, Joel.

It's never about me,
and that's why I'm sad.

Well, look...

We're here,
we're having dinner.

You asked me to come to dinner.

I'm tired,
and I'm here at dinner.

What more do you want from me?

I want you to myself.

Well, that's just not
how the world works, is it?

I don't know.

Well, then you need to grow up.

There was a man hanging around
the office earlier,

and he's here now.

That's why I called.

Um, you see, I don't think it's
wise for my personal life

to distract from
what our first priority is.

What is our first priority?

Well, there's
the community, my campaign,

and everything
that I'm working towards.

Mmm-hmm. Yes, and that's that,
and this is dinner,

so what are we working towards?

So, Alana, you came
to meet me for a drink.

Um, you were running late,

and now, you're going
to be taking your boyfriend,

Matthew, home.

Is she gonna be taking
her boyfriend to his house,

or to your house?

Would you please
keep your voice down?

She's going to be taking you
to your house.

Are you gonna be coming there?

Can we just discuss this
at another time? Please.

Are you gonna come
to my house tonight, Joel?

Can we please just
discuss this at another time?

- Do you want me to...
- Can't...

Do you want me
to wait up for you?

No, Matthew.

Thank you both for coming.

Let's go
paint the town red.

- So nice of you guys to...
- And black and blue.

Thank you, Alana.
You're very sweet.

Do you have a boyfriend?

Yes and no.

I don't know.

Is he a shit?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

They're all shits, aren't they?

Aw...

Thank you, sweetheart.

You have
a very powerful feeling.

Thank you, Matthew.

You're very cool.
What do you play?

Guitar.

- Hey.
- Me, too.

Where's Gary?

Are you okay?

Where's Gary?

He left.

Where'd he go?

I don't know.

Pop. Pop. Pop.

Miss Alana.
Good evening.

Is Gary here?

No, Gary didn't
come in tonight.

- You haven't seen him?
- No.

Do you need some help?

No, thank you, Henri.

Oh, my God.

Everyone, everyone!
May I have your attention, please?

Let me introduce to you,
Mrs. Alana Valentine.

Idiot.

Hi.

Hi.

I love you, Gary.