Les frères Pétard (1986) - full transcript

Momo and Manu agreed to ferry African handicrafts from Amsterdam to Paris. They find out that the statues are full of drugs. Besides, Sammy, rather than paying them, gives them a kilo of weed to sell. This is how, in spite of themselves, they started a career, selling soft drugs, full of adventures, which led them to make television.

"If we can no longer
laugh about the serious stuff,

what are we going to laugh about?"

NRJ Radio.
Here's Denis Balbir with the news.

An exclusive scoop for you today.

Mick Jagger will bid farewell to the
stage with a one-off concert in Paris

on the day of his 50th birthday.

NRJ.

After restricting the sale
of tyre repair glue,

the health minister is considering
similar measures

for bicycle pumps due to their
increasing use among young drug addicts

NRJ.



Finally some good news.
The number of jobseekers is down.

It is now at 5,553,000.
That's 0.3 percent less than last month

NRJ.

Sheesh!

- Little bastard! You lost another job!
- Stop, Dad!

You're an embarrassment!

Dad, stop!

I don't want you in my house!
Take your stuff and go!

Tonight!

That old bastard
is starting to really bust my balls.

Ever since school,
I've dealt with your shit.

Put it in your pocket.

- I've no room tonight anyway.
- Where is she?

The blue hair over there.



Ah, OK.

The yeti's daughter.

That kind of chick turns me on.
So fuckable.

Manu, I'm off. You close up
and put away your toiletries.

Last week your toothbrush
ended up in the cassoulet.

- That was the guys in the kitchen.
- Yeah, right.

Tell him to stop laughing.
He's mocking me.

I won't stand for that either.

He's such a pain.

Manu, if I can't sleep here,
can you lend me 30 francs?

You never change.
Bad luck, I'm strapped.

At least give me a cigarette.

- Unbelievable!
- Help yourself.

No, give the packet back.

Shit.

That's better.

- Have you seen Sammy?
- No, man, that guy is shady.

When I saw him he said
something about making some dough.

THE JOINT BROTHERS

- I'll give it two minutes, Momo.
- He might have a top plan for us.

Hey, is Sammy in tonight?

- Which Sammy?
- A tall black dude.

- Shit.
- Isn't that him?

Yes.
He's disguised as a glow-worm.

Me too, my friend.

I'll leave you guys to it.

- Wait.
- I have a chick waiting for me.

At least have a drink.

- Yes, stay.
- I have a lot of money for you.

- What did you say?
- 500 bags in 48 hours. You dig?

- What's the catch here?
- There is no catch.

You go to Amsterdam and get
some African art from my cousin.

- African art?
- 48 hours, 500 bags. You in?

You in?
I'll even pay for your trip.

You hitchhike there
and come back by train.

Hip Hop! Hands in your pockets
and fingers in your noses. I'll be back.

Hitchhike?

- Well...
- No way, man.

- It's tempting though.
- Momo, Amsterdam isn't the Seychelles!

Don't let me down.
You know I need cash to rent a place.

You think I don't?
I have to fuck surrounded by saucepans.

5,000 francs would pay a rent!
Here he comes.

So, my little whiteys, is it a deal?

- What's he laughing at?
- I don't know.

- He's looking at me and laughing.
- Forget it.

What's his problem?

- It's occupied.
- Sorry.

Hey, are you guys for real?

- Back off, man.
- We're in the same business.

- What business?
- There's going to be a customs check.

- So what?
- What's in the statues? Weed?

- Weed?
- Stop playing around. Grass, man.

The statue trick is over, man.
Customs are onto it.

I work with this. I stashed the dope
in the maintenance hatch.

All passengers,
please show your passports...

The shit is going to hit the fan.

- Let's go.
- What's up?

- The statues.
- Is it their hard-ons?

- They're full of drugs.
- What?

Drugs. Let's go.

Belgian customs.

Passports, please.

What's this?
Is it yours, sir?

Oh, they're statues. Very nice!

I love it. Yes, very nice.

- The dick?
- Pardon?

Solange,
someone's locked in the toilet.

- Shit!
- Open this door right now!

- Pass me the square key.
- Please.

Shit.

Come on. Move it!

That's mine. Thank you.

He's not even here.

- Shall we look inside the statues?
- Later.

- First I'm gonna kick Sammy's ass.
- Wait until he's paid us.

I'll mess up his face for a while.

- Climb in.
- We need to talk.

Five kilos in each statue.

That will make a lot of dough.

Smell that.

- Smells like dung.
- No, man, this is African.

Dried cannabis leaves.
You call it marijuana.

You owe us money.
Can we see it?

Hey, stay cool, man.

First we're going to test this.

I hope you didn't think
I was going to shaft you.

Using us as unwitting drug smugglers.
Isn't that shafting us?

We don't say smugglers,
we say mules.

Cut the crap
and just give us the money.

Don't you want to hit this joint?

He better stop taking me for a fool.
I'll punch his lights out, Momo.

This weed kicks ass.
We're going to make big bucks.

What does he mean "we"?

You can shift dope like this
for 20 to 25 francs a gram.

You can even mix it with birdseed.
For real.

Outside schools,
it sells like hot cakes

- I don't care.
- I'll give you half a kilo.

Free of charge.
So, Manu, who's shafting you now?

Apology accepted, brother.

But can we still see the cash?

Momo, take out your earplugs,
I said half a kilo.

- No shit?
- Here it is.

It's a shitty plan
and I had to pay for the accessories.

You mean some shitty scales
and a bag of budgie food?

Yes, Momo, that's right.

Not only are we getting fucked by Sammy,
we're paying for the Vaseline!

Half a kilo, he said.

Does Quai des Orfèvres ring a bell?

Sure.
My dad's been a cop there for 20 years.

Do you know what they do to dealers
when they catch them?

Oh, I see. You're scared.
Fine, I'll sell it on my own.

What about my 250 bags?
You going to sell that too?

In two weeks,
we'll be walking around in cowboy boots,

hands in our noses
and fingers in our pockets!

Like dealers.
OK, thanks, Momo.

There isn't ten grams there.

OK.

- Ten grams. Happy?
- Now, yes.

Please.

Look at him.
The little guy over there.

The one with the hat?
Don't look now.

- So you understand?
- Yes.

Only when I get the cash
do you over the dope.

- Don't worry, big girl.
- Watch it, you!

Here goes.

Shit. What do they call it again?

- Weed, you idiot.
- Weed... Got it.

- You want something?
- I'm good, thanks.

Some weed? Weed?

Cold out tonight.

What the hell is he playing at?

What an amateur.

Want some weed?
I've got good stuff.

Weed? Weed?

I've got good stuff. Weed?

Weed? Weed?

I've got good stuff.

Momo!

Thank you.

Have you got a light?

Do you need a light?

The waiter would've thrown it away.
It's a lighter for a girl, right?

Keep it.

Weed? Weed?

Damn it. Where is that idiot?

Got any wee... wee... weed?

Yes, and it's killer.
It'll blow your head off.

- How much do you want?
- Two... two hundred francs worth.

OK, I'll get it.

Is... is it really good?

Your head will be like Mururoa atoll
after those atomic tests.

Where is that idiot?

- Is there a pro... problem?
- No, pro... problem. Be patient.

Yes, there... there is.
There is a problem.

It's not a problem. Forget it.
Here.

Great! A stuttering start.

- I picked up this one too.
- Not too shabby.

- I see you like nice things.
- I have good taste.

I don't like this,
it damages my records.

- You got a plan for this too?
- Yeah, you pay.

I see.

Where is that idiot?

- Weed?
- What? What do you want?

Never mind. You got a smoke?

- And a light?
- Here.

Fucking hell!
I had a customer. Where were you?

Hold on, Momo. There's a plan.

- Who's he?
- Momo, a dealer friend.

Why don't you say it a bit louder?

Where are we going?

- We're going to a party.
- Come on! Come with us.

Let go of me, damn it.

- Is this place much further?
- We're almost there.

I reckon people
have died in here before.

What's your problem?
Are you crazy?

I'm not a cloakroom attendant.

We'll do great business in here.
Trust me.

- You're a pain in the ass.
- So are you.

Aline! Girlfriend!

How are you?
Hello!

Who are these two?

They're drug dealers.

Dealers? Groovy!
Do they have brown sugar?

No, only weed.

- Here.
- Not shitty weed.

- Fuck you then.
- Are you coming?

What's brown sugar?

Brown sugar is heroin.
Aren't you meant to be a drug dealer?

- She's pissing me off!
- Yeah, take it easy.

Silly cow!

Hey, there's Brigitte.

Brigitte!

This place is like a freak show.

Look!

That chick is a hit with the brothers.

They're like flies around her.

Brigitte!

It's great.
Look at that guy there.

Hey!
I heard you have something to smoke.

- We might have.
- Chill, man. I'm a friend of Aline's.

I've got a hot ticket!

You got any?
I'm looking to score.

I have 500 grams available.

OK. Six thousand. Deal?

Six thousand.

- Six thousand.
- Yeah, go for it.

- Manu, this is Brigitte.
- Hello.

- She's like a sister to me.
- We're both from Maine et Loire.

My mate and I are both
from the same apartment building.

Let's go smoke a joint at your place.

Yeah, sure. Let's go.

Hey, Momo.

Is he coming too?

Zank you, Egyptian.

This is my parents.
They met through a marriage agency.

They've been together 30 years.
Isn't that beautiful?

Amazing.

This was their tenth anniversary.

- That's me.
- Doesn't look like you.

My first boyfriend.

He was so handsome.

He looked like Mad Max.

- From the film Mad Max?
- Yeah.

- Don't you think?
- No. Maybe you have to know him.

Then all the others.

Ah, here it is.

- See? I told you I was a model.
- Of course.

I knew you looked familiar.

Our meat supplier!
We have this calendar in the kitchen.

In the flesh!
The girl from the butcher's calendar!

You have nice hands!

A guy's hands are really important.

I'm glad to hear that.

And there it is. I've done it.

Momo, I'm not smoking any.

You don't smoke?

It does nothing for me.
I have to work tomorrow.

- Where do you work?
- In a shop.

- Where?
- A fishmongers.

Brigitte, I want my bed back now.
Brigitte!

It's good shit. You'll see.

No, I won't,
because I'm not smoking it.

Brigitte, did you hear me?

Leave them alone.

If I'd have known this would happen...

- Look at the time!
- Switch off the light.

- Where?
- Next to the Virgin.

OK, I see.

Here we go.

- Ask your pal to join us.
- No. Your friend's here.

It's OK. He doesn't fuck.

What did he say?

- Are you clumsy?
- Yeah.

I'm going to treat you.
You're going to love it.

Where do I sleep?

Don't you have a home to go to?

I'm about to move into a big penthouse
but the stairs aren't finished yet.

- Asshole.
- I see.

All right.

I'm going to eat.
I'm starving.

Star-ving.

Star-ving. Star-ving. Star-ving...

The door, Momo.

The door, damn it!

The door, Momo.

The door, Momo, the door.

The door, Momo...

What is this thing?

That's Moby Dick. My exotic fish.

Exotic tic-tic?

- Can you take your hat off?
- No!

The photo... Where's the photo?

Brigitte!
Brigitte, that's my blanket.

- Come here, you.
- No!

Excuse me! It's my apartment!

You're off your head.

We're being a bit unfair on her.

She doesn't care,
it's like this almost every night.

I see.

You know a lot of guys.

Can you keep it down in there?

Will you stop that?

Are you OK, Momo?

It's Momo.

Oh, sheesh. Bonky bonky...

What a pair of hotties!
I'll write down the address.

She has a pussy like a magic cauldron.

- Why didn't you do the other one?
- I was busy in the tub.

- Give me my dough for a cab.
- I can't.

- Why?
- The Egyptian paid with a cheque.

A cheque? Show me.

What's all this about a cheque?

- Read the signature.
- What?

- "Up yo' ass..."
- On the back.

- "dumbass..."
- "...bitches!"

You're so stupid, Momo.
It's always the same with you!

Aline said the guy was legit.

OK, I admit it, I made a mistake.

The problem is that you always do.
You're one big mistake.

I'm the one most affected by this.

How am I going to pay back
the money you lent me?

You already sold it all?

And there I was thinking
you two were losers. Bravo, guys.

It's Lebanese.
Came via Fort de France.

Pure cannabis resin. Uncut!

Is it good hashish?

You sound like the evening news.

We call it "shit" or "hash".
You can try it.

I'm wasted, man.

Well, brothers?
It's good spliff, right?

When it comes to dope,
you don't buy rubbish, man.

Clears your head
faster than a menthol candy.

Look at him.

Look.

Whatever, man.
You have dope in your bath tub.

Hey, the pineapples.

I have a lot more hidden elsewhere.

I'll sell what I have here in 48 hours.

Hip hop, fingers in my nose.

Oh, look, it's Inspector Gadget.

What is that?

- An electronic organizer.
- No shit?

Type in the password
to access the memory. Very precious.

Smoking weed
leaves holes in your memory.

I once forgot
where I had hidden my dope.

No shit?

So how much do you want?

How much is it?

17,000 a kilo.
You'll make double when you sell it.

OK.

We'll take it
and pay you at end of the month.

Listen, man.
I don't give credit.

I sell dope not washing machines.

We don't have any dough.

How do you expect us
to do that kind of business?

It's not my problem
if you act like spendthrifts.

- You know you're a real scumbag.
- Ah, yes.

The cops!

Mister T, come on baby.

The stairs! Hurry up!

Can you handle the dog?

- I got this.
- Yeah?

Easy boy. Lie down. Lie down!

I don't like this one bit. Fuck!

- Don't look down. Stay on the wall.
- Yes.

- Fucking hell.
- Don't look down.

- Oh, shit.
- Come on!

A slice of pineapple?

- Hurry up!
- Take it easy, OK?

My legs are too long.

Come on!

I'm getting wet. Quick!

Where did you hide the dope, asshole?

- Shut your mouth!
- There is no dope!

- There isn't?
- No.

Hey, you!
Stop throwing shit onto my lettuces!

I'll complain to the management.

That guy's really banging her.
Fuck!

It must be the after-sale service.

You can't leave your van there.

Didn't you move it?

- No, I didn't...
- We left it there because...

Momo?
What are you doing here?

Oh, shit! We're screwed.

You have a job now?

Momo, I'm so proud of you.

Mr. Javert, we have to go now.
A dog stuck in a washing machine...

Yeah, they're good those guys.

This is B6. We're bringing them in.

- Ten minutes.
- Request back up.

Send back up.
One of our guys is in trouble.

Give that back, pooch.

Give it back.

Can you leave us for a minute?

Any more info, you get in touch.

- This is half what we agreed.
- Get me the dealers, you get the rest.

Next.

Two slices. On the house.

Here you go.

Hey, Manu!

Hey, Jean-Mi, take over.

Steak?

- Sammy's organizer?
- I'm on a roll.

I can flog it to Nanard
now our business is fucked.

No, you find the password,
you find Sammy's stash.

You go from a small family business
to a multinational corporation.

"Hip hop, fingers in your nose".
Keep searching, Momo.

Manu is smart, huh?

- You got a smoke?
- Yes...

Never mind. Forget it.

It's not "my fat stash" either.

Can't be more than six letters.

This is getting on my nerves, man.

- Did you try "shit"?
- We tried all the slang words for dope.

- Fuck this. I've had enough.
- Me too.

- Shut up.
- What?

Nothing, I was just...

- You'll have to keep trying, Momo.
- Why me?

- I'm working.
- Oh, I see.

If you keep looking,
you'll find it.

- What?
- He who wants it gets it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Manu!

Manu! I've got it!

- Are you crazy?
- Shut up, we're working!

What was the code?

"Hip Hop" That's why he kept saying it.
So he wouldn't forget.

Stock: Plot number 10,

Section 7, 68th Division.

- It can't be an army camp.
- Wait... "Section 7, 68th Division".

Section... Division...
That sounds familiar.

Section... Division...

- I know where it is. Grandpa's grave.
- Oh, sheesh!

Come on.

- Damn, your sweater stinks!
- I swiped it from Aline.

Does she use fish oil for perfume?

No, she works in a fishmongers.
Wait for me!

I'm right here!

This place creeps me out.

I hate all this macabre stuff.

- What?
- Over there.

Don't start, Momo.

- Where?
- There.

There's nothing there. Relax.

Come on.

Shit, now I'm freaked out.

That doesn't stop you walking.
This way.

- Wait for me.
- This way.

Don't make any noise. Stay calm.

"68th Division".
Now we need Plot number 10

Come on.

Plot 10 is this one.

- What?
- This is it.

This is it.

STRANGER, IF YOU CROSS THIS LINE,
ABANDON ALL HOPE

Maybe it would be best
if you go in first

- and I keep watch out here.
- Oh, I see.

- No?
- Forget it.

- It's fine.
- No, I'll go if you want.

- Just drop it, OK?
- It's the same to me.

Get lost, kitty.

I know, I know.
It's not a good time.

Momo!

- Found something?
- Come and give me a hand.

Get in here.

Hurry up.

Help me open this.

On three.

One... two... three!

No point in asking who's going first.

- Total waste of time.
- Yeah, you're such a fraud.

Here goes.

- Wait for me.
- That's all I ever do. Come on.

Damn!

It's like "Land of the Mummies".

- Look there!
- Where?

There!

Sheesh! The dope!

Awesome!

I'll buy my Vespa back
from Nanard.

Screw buying a Vespa from Nanard.
I'll buy a car like Sammy's.

Give it here.

A Vespa from Nanard? No ambition!

- Hold on, it's heavy.
- Move it!

Sheesh!

That's enough. It's heavy.

You want it delivered to your door too?

Move it.

- Take it easy, OK?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'll just close this.

Let's get out of here.

Your fish sweater
must have attracted them.

OK, let's get out of here.

They're everywhere.

Careful, Momo. Cats can be nasty.

Wait for me.

Did you see that? Fucking hell!

Quick, Momo.

- Where shall we stash it?
- My place.

My dad goes to the match
on Wednesdays,

we'll be alone to cut up the dope.

There's a lot left in the bags.

We should try to get it out.

Open the bag.

Nanard said it dissolves in alcohol.

We should try it.

We can't get any more in here.

Careful with this, Momo.

Nanard said one glass
gets you high as a kite.

OK, shall we start cutting the hash?

2,412...

2,413...

6,212... 6,213... 6,214...

6,215... 6,216... 6,217...

My old man! Hide the gear!

Make yourselves at home.

Momo, are you there?

I'll stall them in the corridor.

- Hi Dad.
- I saw your bedroom light on.

No football?

We couldn't get tickets.
We're going to watch it on TV.

I see that dog didn't keep you long.

- Which dog?
- The one stuck in a washing machine.

Oh, yes.

- You're not alone?
- It's just Manu. We're working.

Hello, Mr. Javert.

Working, huh?
Drinking, you mean.

He took the bottle.
Do something, quick!

The France team is on form going
into this friendly against Germany.

Still playing in the midfield...

Momo, come here, I want to talk to you.

The shit is going to hit the fan.

Manu, come and watch the match.

I'm not really into football.

Come and sit down.
Don't be shy.

- Let me take that.
- No, it's fine.

Put it over there for him.

Are you moving out?

I'm going out with Manu.

Where are you sleeping at the moment?

At a girlfriend's place with Manu.

Yeah, Manu... Manu...

Oh, sheesh!

- What?
- Nothing.

- Fancy a glass?
- No, I don't drink.

Kids don't drink anymore.
They only take drugs.

Not only the kids.

Now you've got a job,
you can sleep here again.

No, I'd rather not.

When we separated.
It must be 23 years ago now.

Your mum and me...

You mean when she ran off
with a gendarme.

Not a gendarme.

He was a CRS riot policeman

from Quimper who came up to Paris
for the trouble in '68.

Easy to play the hero.

In full armour like they were,
facing those little baldies.

Have you ever thought about
law enforcement?

No, the zookeeper look is not my thing.

You don't know the half of it.

We have a good laugh in the police.

I'll show you what that guy
did to your mother.

This is a demonstrator.

CRS SS, CRS SS!

This was the guy and your mum.
CRS SS!

CRS SS!
This was the guy and your mum.

Javert's whisky is interesting.

It's like a mixture

of turpentine and after shave.

CRS SS!
This demonstration is forbidden.

Hey, Momo.

- What's he doing?
- Barricading the fridge.

Check it out in here.

Oh, I see.

At least he's eaten. I'm starving.

Don't worry. Dad's making an omelette.

I'll give him a hand.

Nanard was right.
They're off their heads.

Ho Ho Chi Minh!
Che Guevara!

Ho Ho Chi Minh.
Che Guevara!

Hello?

It's the neighbour,
he says we're too noisy.

We can't even have a little fun.

- Sheesh, it's the hash wine!
- The cops are wasted.

The guy says he's gonna call the cops!

Disperse now!

This demonstration is forbidden.

Sheesh!

We will use force indiscriminately.

Shut up!

Ho Ho Chi Minh.
Che Guevara!

Ho Ho Chi Minh.
Che Guevara!

Ho Ho Chi Minh.
Che Guevara!

There you are, you little bastards!

You little bastards!

Little bastards!

We've just modernised our bank

to guarantee total security.

- No shit?
- Pardon?

- So we can put what we want in the box?
- Of course.

As long as it's not explosive
or radioactive.

Are you coming down with us?

I'll show you how to open the box,
then I'll leave you alone.

- You want to deposit something today?
- Yes, but it's personal.

- Oh, I see...
- Personal stuff.

Yes, I see.
Well, I'll leave you alone.

SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES

- Cassoulet?
- Yes.

Hey, you're a mate of Sammy's.

- Yeah, I know Sammy.
- He's got something for me.

Sammy's in the clink. Didn't you know?

That guy's face is all glasses.

Momo.

- I can sort you out.
- Yeah? You got some?

Red Lebanese.
It'll blow your mind.

- Can I have a kilo?
- Hip hop, no problem.

- You're partners?
- Yeah, thick as thieves.

- How much for a kilo?
- 15,000.

- Special offer.
- It's not cheap.

- So when do you want it?
- My customers want it now.

OK. They're here.

His wire is working. That's good.

There he is.

Hello.

- So how do we do this?
- We can do it here.

We can't see from here.
Move in.

Does your mate have the dope?

Hey, Manu!

Manu, he wants to do it here.

Manu! What's he doing?

Manu, are you with us?

Let him try a spliff first.
I've got the gear here.

They're making him test it.
They haven't got it on them.

We can't take them.

- The dough?
- The cops are here.

- He's a snitch.
- Ah, OK.

Help!

What are they doing?

Where's our guy?

Let's go, Momo.
Hip hop! Let's go!

Follow my lead, Momo.
We've got to run.

Now! Run for it!

- Fuck!
- He's overdosed.

- What do you think?
- Let's see.

It looks trashy.

- You think he'll like me like this?
- Each to his own.

Hello, girls.

What's that?

A video.
Nanard's brother-in-law has a load.

Fall off a truck?

Security guard at the store
took 20 bars of hash.

That's so cool.

It's awesome!

Notice anything different about me?

- About you?
- Yeah.

- You don't see anything?
- No.

I shaved.

My eyebrows, you assholes.

Ah, OK.

OK, Aline, let's go.

- Where are you going?
- To meet Mick Jagger.

Mick Jagger?

I happen to know his bodyguard.

- No shit?
- He's her cousin.

How's that?

Momo, stop throwing your butts
in the fish tank, OK?

They're pathetic. Especially Manu.

- He's no shining light.
- But he's nice.

Just not the sharpest tool in the box.

Hey! We're coming with you.

Hello, ladies.

Where's Mick Jagger's dressing room?

- Second door on the left.
- Thanks.

- They're sticking like glue.
- Like Velcro!

Stop it.

- Hi, Is Aldo in there?
- What do you want?

It's personal.

I'll go see.

I bet she doesn't know him.

- Hey! I forgot you were coming.
- Hi, Aldo.

- Is this hot babe with you?
- Brigitte is my friend.

- I'm buying!
- Oh, it's classy in here.

He's lucky he's her cousin.
Otherwise I'd kick his ass.

Guys, are you peeping toms?
The girls tell me your dealers.

- I want some CC.
- What's CC?

- Coke. It turns me on.
- Not our thing.

Hey, Jo! Go on in.
We've got some girls in there.

OK, we might be able
to get some CC.

- Now? I can't wait.
- I'll be right back.

How much for a gram? 500?

- 500? OK.
- Deal.

You know that guy...

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm going to blow up his nostrils.

They'll kill us!
They're are loads of them.

I'm doing it for true love, Momo.

- Come on.
- We'll have to be really fast.

Won't you take off your helmet?

It better be good.

Run, Momo.
That's one big bastard!

I'm running, OK?

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

Wait for me.

I'll get you, you bastards!

Fuck!

You ran well, Momo.

Anyway, they were a pair of tarts.
No good for us.

Her cousin looked like a homo as well.

I bet that guy's nose is fucked!

What do we do now?

- We go to the bank and get the dope.
- OK.

Imagine her cousin's nose now!

Awesome!

Hip hop!

Let's get out of here!

Look what I found
in the safety deposit boxes!

Look!

- Tons of hash!
- Look at them!

The gangsters are taking the lot!

It's always the little guy
that loses out.

They're back!

They won't make a big fuss
over a bit of sex.

What the hell is this? Brigitte, look.

There's nothing left.

Hi, Aline, I need to talk to you.

I'll be right with you.

Are these our clothes?

- We didn't have time to hang them up.
- Fetch a hammer.

I can't. We sold it.
It was in the toolbox.

Yes, we put him in that little bag.

I wanted to put him in the bath tub

but I was scared he might jump out...

- He's dead.
- Dead?

No, Moby Dick's just resting.
Look, he moved.

He's dead!

He's just playing dead.
Moby Dick?

You killed him!

He's exotic.
He needs warm salty water.

Sheesh! Did you know that?

That's why he didn't like it
in the plastic bag.

OK, stop whining.

I'll buy you two. More if you want.

It won't be Moby Dick.

No, it'll be Moby Dick 2 or Moby Dick 3.

- Or Nautilus.
- Manu is right.

Nautilus is a nice name.

It's a crappy revenge.

You're pathetic.

It's not revenge.
We lost all of our dope.

- What do we care?
- Listen to him.

That's why we sold the video
and all your stuff.

Why Moby Dick's fish tank?

Because Nanard's brother-in-law
wanted the lot.

His brother-in-law took the lot.

Give me the cash
or I'll call the cops.

Aldo is already looking for you
because of his bleeding sinuses.

- No shit?
- We don't want to stay now anyway.

- Bye, groupies.
- Bye.

You're crap in bed!

- What did she say?
- She's just angry.

Brigitte, I want to die.

Who are you looking for?

- Raso.
- Raso?

I'm Raso. Who's asking?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Nanard's brother-in-law sent us.
- What for?

About a kilo of weed.

- When do you need it?
- Right away.

Wait here. I'll go and see.

These guys are shady.

- Six thousand.
- Five. We need to live too.

Show me the dough.

OK, follow me.

Give me the money, I'll be back
in five minutes with the dope.

OK, look here.
Does it say "idiot" on my forehead?

- You don't trust me?
- We wouldn't want you to get lost.

Take it easy, baby.

Give me the money.

Hand over the dough!

Cool, Raoul. Cool.

Hand over the cash, whitey!

- Come on!
- OK.

Careful with that, Momo!

- Fuck you!
- Not so badass now. Drop the knives!

Do it!

Dance, guys.
Hip hop! Right, Momo?

- Hip hop!
- Yeah!

Other way, Manu.
They're not dancing.

Lost your rhythm?

Everyone in the car!

- Fuck your momma!
- Shut up, you!

Go on! Move!

Get in!

Everyone in!

- So you carry a gun now?
- Yeah, and I love it.

That enough. Let's go!

Lucky I have this gun, huh?

Look at this nice gun... Look...

- Oh, shit!
- Asshole!

What the fuck is he doing?

- I dropped the plastic gun. Run!
- It was plastic?

Open the doors!

Not good, Manu.

What's he doing?

Shit! Shit!

- Get on!
- They're gonna kill us, Manu!

Surprise!

Bastards!

Did you see them on the steps?

Awesome!

Oh, sheesh!

Dad!

He took the dope. It's my dad!

Does that thing shine shoes too?

Dad!

Javert, your bag is leaking.

Now we are screwed.

-They look like seeds.
- What?

Hemp seeds. It's food for birds.

Seeds?

Momo, what are you doing with this?

That's mine, Mr. Javert.

It's mine.

I have a hamster.
He eats it with warm milk for breakfast.

It's my hamster and my bag.

Do you fancy a beer?

No, we're working, Dad.

Oh, shit!

- I'm suddenly thirsty.
- Me too.

The office is a real mess since
the cleaning ladies went on strike.

Have a beer.

Hey! Come and help us!

- Where are the toilets?
- Down the hall on the left.

I'll come with you.

What have you got there?

We seized it from a squat.

Careful. It's heavy.

- You got the keys?
- Yeah.

Seeds!
Those black dudes fucked us.

Check this out.

It's a dope superstore.

Not so fast, man!

Pass the blocks of hash first.

Highs "R" Us.

Sheesh!

That's awesome.

- Won't I look stupid like that?
- No.

What does he want?

Go around. I'll let you in.

What does he want now?

The guy is such a pain.

Hold on.
I need to go open the door.

How did you get it in?
It was locked.

- I used this.
- What is it?

She's a friend.
This is Momo.

A skeleton key is a locksmith's tool
that can open any door.

What are they for?

He uses them
to cut down parking meters.

So a cupboard padlock...
Hip hop!

And...

this is...

for taping the blocks of hash
around our waists.

That's good, Momo.
But what if there's a cop up there?

OK.

- What is it?
- Nothing.

Hello.

Good morning, listeners.
It's five a.m.

Now for the news
with Jean-Jacques Lachaud.

Excuse me.

You need to sign in.

I'm glad your strike has ended.

"No comprendo"
"Português. Português".

Shit!

Your skeleton is lame.

Open the damn door.

Opens any door, huh?

My ass!

It doesn't want to know.

Where did that idiot go?

Conchita?

Conchita?

Look!

The wall is plaster,
we can knock through it.

That's going to make a lot of noise.

Hold on.

Wait! Are you nuts?

Don't!

Who's your dealer?
Answer me!

- No! You're out of your mind!
- You tell me when to bang.

Those aren't mosquito bites!

You're out of luck.
I hate junkies.

Give me the name of your dealer
or I'll kill you!

You're trembling.
You want a line of heroin?

In exchange for the name of your dealer.

OK.

What's going on?

Momo.

Momo!

He's such a phoney.

So how about that name?

What's his name?

First a little bit of heroin,

then you give me his name.

OK?

You piece of shit!

- What are you doing in there?
- The hash is gone.

- How did you get in?
- Through the door.

- How did you open the cupboard?
- Never mind.

There's only powder here.
I won't touch it.

What? It's a billion francs worth!
Let's take it.

A billion?

No shit?

Who is this for?

Who is this for? Huh?

Hurry up!

Shit, you're leaking.

- Pick it up.
- Wait!

I've got an idea.

Good one.

Awesome!

There.

So is it a yes?

Your loss.

Open the bags.

Hold it open.

Come on, come on.

He's slow, slow, slow.

And you're an asshole.

Hold it right.

Let's see if you can hold one right.

I can't do another drug heist
with this guy.

- Hurry up!
- OK, OK!

Wait!

Will Nanard's brother-in-law buy it?

This is no time for questions like that.

- It's 40 kilos.
- So what? Clean yourself up.

- Clean that shit off!
- What about you?

Have I got some too?

Quick, turn around.

Ouch! Take it easy.

Shit!

Someone raided the office next door.

It was him.

Carmen, are you with me?

- Not the sewers.
- Yes, and you're going first.

- I can't.
- Go on.

Oh, fuck.
Think of the diseases.

Hurry up!

- I can see your girdle.
- Now's not the time!

- I can't see shit.
- Damn.

Doesn't exactly smell of roses.

We're bound to get lost.

Unless Manu the smartass
knows his way around.

What's your problem?
"Manu the smartass"?

Because of all your smart ideas.

And the super skeleton key?
Was that my idea?

Stay cool, Momo.

We're going to get eaten by rats.

Stop freaking out. Come on.

You hold the lighter now.

- Oops! Sheesh!
- I can't believe how stupid you are!

Hey, that's enough!

- Who passed me a hot lighter?
- Who dropped it?

- Pick it up!
- No!

Momo, fish it out!

Do it!

It won't work now.

I don't care! Just find it!

- Found it?
- My arm isn't long enough.

What about now?

Did you find it?

Why don't you try?

You bastard!

You are so stupid!

Stop! Stop!

He slipped me the tongue.

You're a faggot!

I'm gonna get you for this!

Get the fuck off! Calm down!

Calm down, Momo,
or I'll slap your bitch ass!

I'm going to fuck you up!

Where is he?

You're pissing me off now!
I'll break your neck!

The cops!

The cops! The cops!

Maybe they went down here.

Hurry!

Quick!

Help me, damn it!

Who are your accomplices?

Come here, you.

Who are your accomplices?

Now he's doing his Jean Valjean.
Forget that.

Nanard's bro-in-law
said they cut anything.

The cops will see we cut the bars.

We'll cut the bars under the water.
It's a "Manu the smartass" idea.

Sometimes you make me forget
you're an idiot.

I'm going through.
Pass me the vacuum cleaner.

They can't get away now.
All the exits are locked.

Almost there, Momo.

Momo? Momo!

- I'm stuck!
- I'm coming!

Hold on! I'm coming.

Hold on to me.

You're OK.

- I swallowed some.
- You'll be fine.

You're going to be OK.
Help me.

The vacuum cleaner!

The vacuum cleaner! Come on!

They must have gone up the other tunnel.

Where do we go now?

To see Nanard.

Hi, Frédo.

- Is Nanard around?
- Yes, he's inside.

I'm not kissing you.

It's open! Eight in the morning,
they're busting my balls.

- Hello, Nanard.
- Hi, guys. Did you fall out of bed?

Did you have an accident?
You're dressed in a tutu?

Did you fall off a train?
And you, you'll get cold legs.

- You don't want to know.
- Tell me. What is it?

- Have a bit of rum.
- No, we're fine.

- We're looking for a place to crash.
- Somewhere to crash?

Of course, my friend.
There's a wagon on your way out.

The radio is playing
and the motor is on.

You'll be comfy there.

Have a good sleep.
Off to bed now, kids.

- Thank you, Nanard.
- Thanks.

Bye, Nanard.

- Hey, lads, did you hear the news?
- No. Why?

"Joints to be sold over the counter".

- It says it right here.
- What?

Read it yourself.
That puts you two out of a job.

There will be dope
in every corner store.

You'll have competition.

LEGALISATION OF SOFT DRUGS
ACROSS FRANCE

Two years later...

Greetings, Joint Brothers.

I've got some good weed for you.

- The best quality in the entire region.
- OK.

Hey, it's stale. Check it!

Ah, I see. Yes, it's weed,
but not for the Joint Brothers.

What are those sacks over there?

Hey, does it say "idiot"
on my forehead?

- This one smells sweet.
- Let me see.

- Right?
- Sheesh!

We'll take this one.

Nobody fools the Joint Brothers.

The most incredible

weed in the universe.

Not for prolonged use
unless recommended by a doctor.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN
UNDER 30 MONTHS

Awesome!

Translation: Daniel Murray

Subtitling TITRAFILM