Leonard Part 6 (1987) - full transcript
The CIA asks for ex-spy Leonard's help in stopping an evil force that is brainwashing small animals into killing people. Leonard, however, has his own problems to deal with: winning back his ex-wife.
[giggling]
[squawks]
[croaks]
[rattling]
[water bubbling]
[burps]
[trumpets]
[whooping]
[meowing]
[laughing]
[coughing]
[growling]
[barks]
[car approaching]
[explosion]
THERE'S A LOGICAL EXPLANATION,
WHY LEONARD PARKER
FOUND HIMSELF
FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.
ONE, IN AN ARMORED PORSCHE,
2, WEARING BALLET SLIPPERS,
AND 3,
ON THE BACK OF AN OSTRICH.
ALL IN THE SPACE OF ONE WEEK
IN SAN FRANCISCO.
MR. PARKER,
WHOM I HAVE THE HONOR
TO SERVE,
IS A MAN
OF EXCEPTIONAL TALENTS,
WHOSE 5 PREVIOUS ADVENTURES
WOULD, I'M SURE,
HAVE ENTHRALLED YOU,
HAD THEY NOT BEEN CONFISCATED,
IN THE INTERESTS
OF WORLD SECURITY.
IT ALL BEGAN
UNDER THAT FAMOUS BRIDGE
WITH A TEAM OF FROGMEN,
NOT, I HASTEN TO ADD,
ON OUR SIDE.
[water bubbling]
[water bubbling]
[barking]
QUINCY, THE WATER'S BEAUTIFUL.
COME IN.
COME IN.
IT'S MAN RAY.
QUELISH.
[creaking]
[barking]
[barking]
[growling]
[squeaking]
[barking]
OH, QUINCY,
STOP SPLASHING.
[belching]
[explosion]
[laughing menacingly]
THIS WAS, I BELIEVE,
THE FIRST RECORDED INSTANCE,
OF A C.I.A. AGENT
BEING EATEN ALIVE
BY A RAINBOW TROUT.
AND WORSE WAS TO COME.
(Jack)
WE'VE LOST 8 AGENTS
THIS MONTH.
BUT HOW DO WE STRIKE BACK
AGAINST FEROCIOUS FISH?
WE BLOW 'EM OFF
THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
WE'VE GOT THE CAPABILITY.
I HOPE YOU KNOW I SYMPATHIZE
WITH THAT PASSION, JACK,
BUT WE CAN'T.
WE'VE GOT TO LEARN
THEIR SECRET,
AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
ABOVE ALL,
WE MUSTN'T PANIC.
OH, YES, WE MUST.
IF SAN FRANCISCO GOES,
TOMORROW IT'LL BE OREGON.
AND THEN,
THE REST OF THE WORLD.
IN MY LIFETIME,
I'VE ONLY WORKED WITH ONE MAN
WHO CAN MATCH
THE BRUTALITY AND HEINOUS WIT
THAT'S BEHIND THESE SORDID
AND UNPATRIOTIC EXECUTIONS.
MR. SNYDERBURN,
YOU DON'T MEAN--
YES.
HE RETIRED.
HE'LL NEVER COME BACK.
HE'LL COME BACK.
I'LL SEND MONROE TO GET HIM.
[people chattering]
(man)
MMM. THAT LOOKS
WONDERFUL.
(Monroe)
LEONARD.
(Frayn)
RETIREMENT BORED MR. PARKER.
AND HIS ENORMOUS WEALTH
GAVE HIM LITTLE CONSOLATION.
AS A DIVERSION,
HE OPENED A RESTAURANT,
WHICH NATURALLY BECAME
SAN FRANCISCO'S FINEST.
YES, MR. MONROE?
I'M AFRAID
IT ISN'T FRESH.
UH, WHAT ISN'T FRESH, SIR?
THE TROUT IS NOT FRESH.
OH, BUT, SIR,
WE--WE KEEP OUR FISH
LIVE IN A TANK.
OH. WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D SHOW ME THE TANK.
OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO.
FOLLOW ME.
[people chattering]
SO HERE IT IS.
THIS IS NOT
ABOUT TROUT.
WOULD YOU PREFER
THE FLOUNDER?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT!
I'VE BEEN WAITING
A LONG TIME FOR THIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
IS GONNA DO FOR MY CAREER,
ELIMINATING
THE NUMBER ONE AGENT
IN THE WESTERN WORLD?
BUT I'M NOT
THE NUMBER ONE AGENT.
I RETIRED 7 YEARS AGO.
YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT
NICK SNYDERBURN SAYS.
SNYDERBURN?
NOW DON'T BE NERVOUS, NOW.
OH, I'M NOT NERVOUS,
YOU KNOW.
AH, CREPES FLAMBE!
[bullets ricocheting]
MAKE SPAGHETTI, SCOTTY.
[machine whirring]
[gun firing]
[glass shattering]
AH.
[metallic clanking]
[chefs chattering]
MORE BUTTER.
[people chattering]
(Leonard)
GO EASY, MONROE.
[bullets ricocheting]
[ricocheting continues]
[grunting]
[door opening]
LEONARD!
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
[thudding]
WHY...
WHY DID YOU SEND MONROE
TO KILL ME?
SUPPOSE MONROE
HAD GOTTEN LUCKY
AND KILLED ME.
THEN YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN RIGHT FOR THE JOB.
SIT DOWN.
[squelching]
LEONARD,
YOU KNOW JEFFERSON HERE.
[squelching]
AND, LIGHTS!
[switches clicking]
ALL TOGETHER AGAIN.
WE CAN DO BETTER
THAN THAT.
[clicking]
PUT THEM BACK ON.
AND, LIGHTS!
STIMOLA MEAT COMPANY,
CADNA, ILLINOIS.
[clicking]
A GROUP OF HIGHLY TRAINED
HOUSE CATS
ASSAULTED ONE OF OUR AGENTS
IN THE GRISTLE ROOM,
COVERING HIM WITH FUR BALLS,
KILLING HIM AND, UH,
BURNING HIS I.R.S. RECORDS.
MALFORD WILSON, VIRGINIA.
HUSBAND AND WIFE TEAM,
ASSAULTED ON STATE ROAD 306
BY 18 SQUIRRELS,
AND LEFT FOR DEAD,
WHICH, OF COURSE,
THEY WERE.
WORST OF ALL,
RIGHT IN THIS AREA,
AN AS YET UNKNOWN NUMBER
OF APPARENTLY FURIOUS GOPHERS,
ATTACKED AND KILLED
OUR UNDERCOVER COOK.
THIS IS THE WORK
OF A SINGLE,
HEINOUS ORGANIZATION,
UNDER THE DIRECTION
OF A MANIACAL,
AND SADISTIC WOMAN.
SHE'S A VEGETARIAN,
A FORMER ECOLOGIST,
AND SHE'S BENT ON
TAKING OVER THE WORLD.
AND, LIGHTS!
[clicking]
[squelching]
(Jack)
THIS HEINOUS WOMAN
HAS DEVELOPED A FORMULA
WHICH CAN CONTROL
THE VERY MIND OF EVERY ANIMAL,
FISH, BIRD, REPTILE,
AND INSECT ON THIS GLOBE.
AND WE HAVE JUST LEARNT
THAT IN THE NEXT 36
TO 72 HOURS,
THIS PARAPSYCHOTIC TYRANT
PLANS TO LAUNCH
AN ALL-ANIMAL OFFENSIVE
OF MAJOR PROPORTIONS
AGAINST THE BAY AREA.
[Snyderburn]
LEONARD.
YOU GOTTA COME BACK WITH US.
(Frayn)
MR. PARKER
HAD ALWAYS EXPECTED
THAT ONE DAY
HE WOULD HEAR ONCE MORE
THE CLARION CALL OF DUTY.
BUT NEVER
IN HIS WILDEST NIGHTMARES
DID HE IMAGINE
THAT HE'D BE ASKED
TO PIT HIS RESOURCES
AGAINST FEROCIOUS FELINES
AND HOMICIDAL SQUIRRELS.
THAT VERY MORNING,
I HAD TAKEN A MESSAGE
FROM THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES
ASKING MR. PARKER
TO CALL BACK
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
THAT CALL AND THIS MEETING
COULD HARDLY BE UNCONNECTED.
FACED WITH
THIS KIND OF PRESSURE,
HOW COULD HE SAY NO?
NO.
WE NEED YOU, LEONARD.
YOU DON'T NEED ME.
YOU NEED THE A.S.P.C.A.
WE'LL PAY YOUR REGULAR FEE.
$6 MILLION.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST BLOW HER UP?
WELL, YOU KNOW THERE'S NOTHING
I'D RATHER DO THAN THAT.
BUT WE CAN'T.
WHAT SHE'S GOT
COULD BE USEFUL TO US.
NO.
BUT WHY NOT, DAMN IT?
I HAVE MY REASONS.
OH, YEAH.
HIS WIFE.
HE QUIT THIS ORGANIZATION,
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
IT WOULD GET HIS WIFE BACK.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE WON'T EVEN RETURN
YOUR PHONE CALLS.
SHE NEEDS TIME.
IT'S BEEN 7 YEARS.
7 YEARS, A LIFELESS DRUDGE.
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT COMING BACK WITH US
MIGHT JUST WIN HER BACK.
[squelching]
MONROE!
YOU KNOW, LEONARD,
MY DEAREST FRIEND,
JUST LOOK AT YOU.
IT'S NO WONDER THAT GORGEOUS
AND VOLUPTUOUS CREATURE
DOESN'T WANT
YOU AROUND ANYMORE.
THAT'S ENOUGH, SNYDERBURN.
WELL, YOU'RE MY DEAREST
FRIEND AND--
YOU'RE NOT REMOTELY
MY DEAREST FRIEND.
AND I HAVE A KIWI TART
THAT DEMANDS
MY IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.
I KNEW IT.
WE'RE ALL GONERS.
[squelching]
OH, SHUT UP, MADISON.
[door slams]
(Frayn)
IT'S TRUE THAT MR. PARKER
WOULD HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING
TO BE RECONCILED
WITH HIS WIFE.
HE EVEN GAVE UP THE SERVICE.
HIS WIFE THOUGHT
INTELLIGENCE WORK
MEANT RUNNING
AROUND THE WORLD,
JUMPING INTO BED
WITH A LOT OF BLONDE PEOPLE.
SO HE GAVE IT UP,
HOPING ONE DAY
SHE WOULD RETURN.
[Leonard sighing]
DID SHE CALL?
NO, SIR. SORRY, SIR.
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
FRAYN.
OH, I CAN SEE
MY DAUGHTER'S HERE AGAIN.
THAT'S NOT
THE HALF OF IT, SIR.
DADDY!
HI, HONEY!
[both laughing]
OK, NOW WHAT ARE YOU
AND YOUR MOTHER
FIGHTING ABOUT?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
HUH?
ALL RIGHT,
NOW WHAT DID YOU DO?
WELL, SHE STILL REFUSES
TO ALLOW ME
TO EXPRESS MYSELF.
AND SHE MAY NOT EVEN COME
TO THE OPENING NIGHT.
HMM.
BUT I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE
ON THURSDAY, RIGHT, DADDY?
NO, YOUR FATHER WILL BE THERE
BEFORE THE STAGEHANDS ARRIVE.
SEE, I KNEW YOU WOULD.
AND I AM SO EXCITED
ABOUT THIS PLAY, DADDY.
I JUST KNOW IT'S GONNA
MAKE ME A STAR.
AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE?
HMM. YOU-YOU'RE GOING STEADY
WITH THE LEADING MAN.
THE DIRECTOR.
AND DADDY,
HE IS WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
HE'S WONDERFUL?
AND HE'S
IN THE DRAWING ROOM.
IN THE DRAWING ROOM.
COME ON.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO HIM.
OK.
(Joan)
MMM-HMM. WONDERFUL.
DADDY, MEET
GIORGIO FRANCOSI.
CIAO, LEONARD.
A PLEASURE.
IS THIS WHAT YOU HAD A FIGHT
WITH YOUR MOTHER ABOUT?
DADDY.
WELL, HE'S NOT
STAYING HERE, EITHER.
I'D NEVER BE
SO PRESUMPTUOUS.
I ONLY WANTED TO MEET
THE FAMOUS FATHER,
OF THE BRILLIANT WOMAN
WHO STOLE
NOT ONLY MY HEART
BUT WHO'S ABOUT TO STEAL
THE HEART
OF ALL SAN FRANCISCO.
BY FRIDAY MORNING,
REZAZI BENZUR SHAHEED PARKER
WILL BE A STAR.
WHO IS THAT?
THAT'S MY STAGE NAME.
IN A FEW SHORT MONTHS,
THIS WOMAN HAS GROWN
FROM A CALLOW,
INSENSITIVE CHILD
TO A MATURE--
JOANIE, GET YOUR FATHER
A SANDWICH AND SOMETHING COLD
TO DRINK.
NOW, PLEASE.
WHAT IS THIS?
UH, WHAT--WHAT--
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE'RE IN LOVE.
WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
RIGHT.
SHE'S 2O YEARS OLD.
RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE 65?
66.
I DON'T WANT A 66-YEAR-OLD
SON-IN-LAW.
YOU'RE ROBBING THE CRADLE.
YOU BENT ON YOUR
POINT OF VIEW?
SOME SAY JOAN
IS ROBBING THE GRAVE.
[coughing]
WELL, I'M NOT
PAYING FOR THE WEDDING.
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
HERE, DADDY.
DADDY, LOOK AT THIS FACE.
MY LITTLE CANNOLI.
[speaking Italian]
WHAT, UH,
DID YOUR MOTHER SAY?
[speaking Italian]
YOU THINK I SHOULD I CALL HER?
HMM?
[bumping]
FRAYN!
GOOD NIGHT, UH, SERGIO.
HUH?
FATHER, IT'S GIORGIO.
WHATEVER IT IS
YOU BROUGHT IN HERE,
GOOD NIGHT.
CIAO.
YES.
LEONARDO.
YOU STAY. YOU STAY!
SIT DOWN.
GOOD NIGHT,
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
[door closing]
COULDN'T YOU HAVE FOUND
SOMEBODY 45 YEARS OLD?
THIS MAN IS OLD ENOUGH
TO BE MY FATHER.
MUST YOU INTERFERE
IN MY LIFE, DADDY?
YOU'RE JUST LIKE MOTHER.
SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE
THAT I REALLY WANT TO BE
AN ACTRESS.
AND BEING AN ACTRESS IS
WHAT I INTEND TO DO
WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE YOUR MOTHER,
BECAUSE A MONTH AGO,
YOU WANTED TO BE A SCULPTOR
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
A MONTH BEFORE THAT,
YOU WANTED TO BE A BUDDHIST
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AND A MONTH BEFORE THAT,
YOU BOUGHT, UH, LUGGAGE.
THAT'S TRUE.
AND NO OFFENSE, DADDY,
BUT I JUST DON'T
WANNA BE IN JUST
THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS.
I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF,
AND I NEED TO EXPERIENCE LIFE
AT ITS MOST RAW.
MOTHER DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND THIS.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A WEDDING,
AND THEN MAYBE
A WEEK LATER,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO PAY
FOR A FUNERAL.
(Frayn)
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE CITY,
ANOTHER FUNERAL WAS IMMINENT.
OUTSIDE THE HEADQUARTERS
OF INTERNATIONAL TUNA,
C.I.A. OPERATIVE CHARLES POLK
WAS KEEPING SURVEILLANCE.
[electrical sparking]
[alarm bell ringing]
MEDUSA! MEDUSA!
GOVERNMENT AGENT ON PIER ONE.
GOVERNMENT AGENT ON PIER ONE.
WHO HAS THE NERVE
TO CALL?
[machine humming]
KILL HIM.
OF COURSE, MY BELOVED ANDY,
KILL HIM.
[squeaking]
[dog howling]
[crow cawing]
[croaking]
[dog howling]
[croaking]
[clicking]
[creaking]
[croaking]
[croaking]
QUELISH.
[all croaking]
[metallic clanking]
[frogs croaking]
[laughing maniacally]
[Medusa laughing maniacally]
[croaking]
[Hurt by Peabo Bryson playing]
? I'M
? SO HURT
? TO THINK THAT YOU LIED
? LIED TO ME
[knock on door]
WHO IS IT?
(Frayn)
FRAYN, SIR.
COME IN, FRAYN.
? DEEP DOWN INSIDE
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
HERE'S YOUR NIGHTCAP.
[hoarsely]
OH, THANK YOU.
[sighing]
MISS JOAN'S
CERTAINLY A HANDFUL, SIR.
[chuckling]
I'M AFRAID SHE HAS A BIT
OF HER MOTHER IN HER.
I MISS HER.
I KNOW, SIR.
7 YEARS.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO STOP BEING
SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
[sighing]
I HAVE NOT BEEN WITH A WOMAN
SINCE MRS. PARKER LEFT ME.
I'VE ALMOST FORGOTTEN
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE
WITH HER.
OUT BECAUSE OF
ONE SILLY MISTAKE.
TERRIBLE PUNISHMENT, SIR,
EVEN IF THE GIRL WAS ONLY 19.
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
BUT TO BE FAIR, SIR,
MRS. PARKER DID FIND
THE TWO OF YOU
NAKED IN THE SAUNA,
SWITCHING EACH OTHER
WITH BIRCH LEAVES.
I NEVER LAID A FINGER
ON THAT GIRL.
NO, SIR,
WITH JUST THE BIRCH LEAVES.
SIR,
I-I-IS MISS JOAN
REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT
M-M-MARRYING THIS
SERGIO PERSON, SIR?
[chuckling]
I DON'T THINK SO.
YES. YES, SHE'S SERIOUS,
AND I THINK I SHOULD
TALK TO HER MOTHER
ABOUT THIS.
NOW, SIR?
YES!
IT'S 2:00 A.M.
I COULDN'T THINK
OF A BETTER EXCUSE.
[dialing]
? NO, NO
[telephone ringing]
HELLO.
UH, ALLISON?
LISTEN, I WAS, UH, UH...
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU,
ABOUT THIS SITUATION
WITH JOAN AND THIS, UH,
UH, SERGIO, UH,
WELL, WHATEVER HIS NAME IS.
UH, THIS ACTING AND...
I--I--I MISS YOU.
UH, AND I'M
LOVING THE MEMORY OF...
I'M GOING TO EXPLODE...
AND, OR--OR--OR JUMP OFF
OF A--A BUILDING.
LEONARD.
DINNER HERE TOMORROW NIGHT
AT 9:00.
DON'T--DON'T TOY WITH,
DON'T TOY WITH ME NOW.
AND, UH, UH, DON'T KID ME.
TOMORROW NIGHT AT 9:00.
? NEVER HURT ME, OH ?
SHE SAID YES.
BRAVO, SIR!
THANK YOU, SIR.
BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
?[Positive by Peabo Bryson
playing]
? STOP FEELING SORRY
? OH, STOP FEELING SAD
THIS ONE.
? YOU'VE GOT LOTS GOING
FOR YOU
? SO DON'T FEEL SO BAD
(Frayn)
COME ON, HEAD UP!
KEEP TALL! RELAX! FORWARD.
DRIVE IT THROUGH!
[Frayn yelling]
COME ON, NOW!
WE'VE GOT TO BE
READY BY TONIGHT!
DON'T GIVE UP!
[panting]
YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?
NEVER MIND! NEVER MIND!
COME ON, GET BACK
ON THAT MACHINE!
? JUST WHAT IT IS
? POSITIVE POSITIVE
? WITH THE LOVE
THAT YOU GIVE
THERE YOU GO.
YOU'LL BE COMING IN 3 MONTHS?
[chuckling]
? I CAN SEE HOW YOU FEEL
[karate yell]
? EMOTION
? AND WHAT THEY REVEAL
? IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO MOVE ON UP
? TIME YOU HAD
A CHANGE OF LUCK
? AND BE POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS
(Frayn)
UP! DOWN! FEEL THAT BURN!
FEEL THAT BURN!
COME ON!
TOMORROW NIGHT AT 9:00.
? WHOA-OH-OH
[girls chattering]
? BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME
? WILL LOVE BE THE SAME?
? YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE
? IT CAN WORK AGAIN
(Jane Fonda on T.V.)
AND REACH! 1 AND 2.
WELL, IT'S THE AEROBIC
SECTION NOW.
LET THOSE KNEES BEND.
REACH, REACH.
COME ON!
(Fonda)
REACH.
THAT'S RIGHT, COME ON.
COME ON, LEONARD,
GET YOUR BACK INTO IT.
GOD, YOU'RE LAZY!
REACH!
AND NOW RAISE UP, ONE.
COME ON, SIR.
WE CAN DO BETTER
THAN THIS.
COME ON! LIFT! LIFT!
OH, COME ON, LEONARD,
CAN'T YOU GET IT UP?
[buzzing]
LEONARD.
PAY ATTENTION, LEONARD.
LEONARD, THIS IS A DIAGRAM
OF THE SPHERE.
[electronic beeping]
HOW'D HE GET ON THIS TAPE?
(Snyderburn)
IT'S THE NERVE CENTER
OF THEIR OPERATION.
IT CONTROLS
THE ANIMALS' BEHAVIOR.
THE SPHERE IS GUARDED
NIGHT AND DAY
BY UNKNOWN FORCES
IN A ROOM WHICH I CALL B.
YOU'LL ISOLATE AND RETRIEVE
THE SPHERE AT THIS POINT B.
WE NEED THIS SPHERE, LEONARD.
YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT.
I THINK YOU CAN DO IT.
(Frayn)
IT'S ALL A QUESTION
OF ATTITUDE, SIR.
I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN DO THIS.
? POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? WITH THE LOVE
THAT YOU GIVE
? WHOA-OH-OH
LOVE THAT YOU GIVE
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS
[gargling]
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
WITH OUR LOVE
? WE CAN'T MISS
? WHOA-OH-OH
? YEAH
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD BE
? JUST POSITIVE
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? WHOA-OH-OH
? POSITIVE
? POSITIVE
THIS IS IT FOR TIES, SIR,
BUT...
? WHOA-OH-OH
? POSITIVE
? BE POSITIVE
? POSITIVE
? BE POSITIVE
? THINK POSITIVE
? THINK POSITIVE ?
[chiming]
[car engine starting]
(Frayn)
IT WARMED MY HEART
TO SEE MR. PARKER SO HAPPY.
HE'D WAITED 7 YEARS
FOR THIS EVENING,
SO HE'D LEFT NOTHING
TO CHANCE.
HE WAS WEARING
THE PERFECT SUIT,
CARRIED THE PERFECT FLOWERS,
AND IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF,
HAD CHOSEN THE PERFECT TIE.
WHEN THEY'D SEPARATED,
HE HAD MOVED AWAY
AS FAR AS HE FELT
HE POSSIBLY COULD.
I LEFT HIM ALONE
WITH HIS THOUGHTS
DURING THE AGONIZING RIDE
TO HER HOUSE.
ALL THE BEST, SIR.
[doorbell chiming]
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
MADAM IS EXPECTING YOU.
THE STAFF AND I WOULD LIKE TO
WISH YOU GOOD LUCK, SIR.
THANK YOU.
WALK THIS WAY, SIR.
OH, SIR,
HOW WE'VE ALL MISSED YOU.
WELL, I'VE MISSED
SEEING YOU, DUCHAMP.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
MY OLD DOG, BRUTUS,
PASSED AWAY.
BEST DOG I EVER HAD.
I'M SORRY
TO HEAR THAT.
MARCEL AND I
HOPE TO SEE YOU
AT BREAKFAST, SIR.
[chuckling]
I, UH, BOUGHT THESE,
BUT I SEE
YOU ALREADY HAVE SO...
[door closing]
UH, UH, I BOUGHT THESE
FOR YOU,
BUT YOU HAVE SO MANY.
THANK YOU, LEONARD.
YOU LOOK
VERY HANDSOME TONIGHT.
AND YOU LOOK
MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN EVER.
LEONARD, PLEASE.
WHERE--WHERE DO YOU
WANT ME TO SIT?
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE,
IN YOUR CHAIR.
THANK YOU.
[wheels squeaking]
[cutlery rattling]
THANK YOU, DUCHAMP,
BUT I'LL SERVE SUPPER.
AND, DUCHAMP, MR. PARKER AND I
DO NOT WISH TO BE DISTURBED.
YES, MA'AM.
I AM SO HAPPY
TO BE HERE.
I'VE COUNTED THE MINUTES,
TOO, LEONARD.
I WAS SO EXCITED
T0 SEE YOU TONIGHT.
GOOD.
THERE'S BEEN
SO MUCH MISUNDERSTANDING
BETWEEN US
THAT SOMETIMES I FEEL
WE'VE ALMOST BECOME
STRANGERS.
TONIGHT IS
A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY
TO REMEDY ALL THAT.
YES. OH, YES.
OH.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SO SORRY.
IT WILL COME OUT.
I WAS HOPING THAT TONIGHT
WE COULD PUT THE PAST
BEHIND US.
EXACTLY.
YOU KNOW, LEONARD,
I'VE NEVER LOVED ANYONE
AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU,
AND IT WAS PAINFUL,
EXTREMELY PAINFUL
WHEN THAT INCIDENT
OCCURRED.
WELL, YEAH,
IT WAS PAINFUL
FOR ME AS WELL,
BUT, I MEAN,
THAT'S BEHIND US.
THAT'S THE PAST.
I MEAN, YOU SAID IT. THAT'S--
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
LEONARD,
I KNOW WHAT I SAID,
BUT I'M HAVING
A LOT OF TROUBLE
NOT REMEMBERING
YOU WITH HER.
EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR FACE,
I SEE THAT 19-YEAR-OLD.
I--I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I MADE YOUR FAVORITE.
OH.
OH.
THANK YOU.
CANCEL THE GRITS.
[car door opening]
(Frayn)
SOMETHING TOLD ME AT A GLANCE
THAT THE EVENING
HAD NOT GONE WELL.
WAS IT THE TIE, SIR?
FRAYN, TAKE ME TO SEE
NURSE CARVALHO.
BUT WE NEVER SEE THE NURSE
UNLESS WE'RE GOING TO WORK.
NURSE CARVALHO.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
(Frayn)
THIS LATEST PERSONAL DISASTER
WAS AT LEAST SALVATION
FOR THE WESTERN WORLD.
AGENT LEONARD PARKER
WAS RETURNING TO THE FIELD.
BEFORE ANY ASSIGNMENT,
MR. PARKER ALWAYS CONSULTED
NURSE CARVALHO,
[drums beating]
AN ALBANIAN FORTUNETELLER,
WHO NOW LIVED
IN A TRAILER PARK
IN OAKLAND.
HE TRUSTED HER
EVEN THOUGH
HE NEVER UNDERSTOOD
A SINGLE WORD SHE SAID.
YES.
(Leonard)
HOW ARE YOU, NURSE?
[nurse speaking
foreign language]
[both chuckling]
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
[speaking foreign language]
I'VE DECIDED TO GO BACK
TO WORK.
AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD YOU DO FOR ME
THE WONDERFUL THING
THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE
IN THE PAST?
[speaking foreign language]
GOOD.
[speaking foreign language]
[chanting]
[children laughing]
[shouting]
[laughter continues]
[both laughing]
[speaking
in foreign language]
[chanting]
[children laughing]
[shouting]
[speaking in foreign language]
[dog howling in distance]
[mumbling]
?[Dance of the Sugarplum
Fairies playing]
TIPPY TIPPY TOE.
TIPPY TIPPY TWIRL.
[chanting]
THANK YOU.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
BUT I IMAGINE EVENTUALLY
EVERYTHING WILL BE CLEAR.
QUELISH.
QUELMISH.
QUELISH.
?[singing native song]
[dog barking]
HOW WAS SHE, SIR?
[chuckling]
STILL WEIRD.
[drums continue beating]
WHAT HAVE WE GOT,
FRAYN?
SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL
POCKET-SIZED WEAPONS
AVAILABLE, SIR.
AUSTRALIAN
BOOMERANG KNIFE.
SKY-LYNX COLLAPSIBLE BAZOOKA.
3 WAFER-THIN GRENADES.
[buzzing]
HAIR CLIPPERS, SIR.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
THE WORLD'S SMALLEST CAMERA.
TO ROUND OFF
YOUR PERSONAL ARTILLERY,
SIR,
A PAIR OF UNDERARM,
HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES.
[clicking]
[electronic beeping]
TALK TO ME.
"HALF A LEAGUE,
HALF A LEAGUE
"HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD
INTO THE VALLEY OF DEATH
RODE THE 600"
"AND CRISPIN CRISPIAN
SHALL NE'ER GO BY
"FROM THIS DAY
TO THE ENDING OF THE WORLD
BUT WE IN IT
SHALL BE REMEMBERED"
"GRACE ME NO GRACE
NOR UNCLE ME NO UNCLE"
"DON'T FIRE UNTIL YOU SEE
THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES."
I'M DYING. EGYPT'S DYING.
"WE SHALL FIGHT
ON THE BEACHES.
"WE SHALL FIGHT
ON THE LANDING GROUNDS.
"WE SHALL FIGHT
IN THE FIELDS
"AND IN THE STREETS.
WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER."
"NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT
MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER
BY THIS SON OF YORK"
PICK UP YOUR GUN,
GET ON YOUR HORSE
AND GET ON YOUR WAY.
THE LATIN.
DO THE LATIN.
AMO, AMAS, AMAT,
AMAMUS, AMATIS, AMANT.
IS SHE READY?
SIR.
[garbled chattering
on radio]
[car door closing]
[beeping]
[whirring]
[radio chattering continues]
[machine humming]
[tires screeching]
[metallic clanking]
[tires squealing]
[machine whirring]
[whooshing]
[explosion]
[firing]
[Medusa laughing maniacally]
KILL HIM!
[belching]
NOT YET,
MY BELOVED ANDY.
FOR THIS ONE,
ONE WING AT A TIME,
JUST LIKE A FLY.
?[1812 Overture playing]
[explosions]
[missiles firing]
THICK DOOR.
[chuckling]
[dog howling]
NOW.
LET HIM IN.
[door rattling]
[dog howling]
[screeching]
[dog barking]
[anteater sniffing]
WELCOME, LEONARD.
WHO'S THAT?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH
THE SEAS PART, LEONARD?
[laughing]
NOT REALLY.
DO YOU THINK
I CAN PART THE SEAS, LEONARD?
YEAH.
PART THE SEAS,
THRASH THE FIELDS,
INFLAME THE SKIES?
UH-HUH.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET
MY VEGETARIANS, LEONARD?
VEGETARIANS?
VEGETARIANS.
(Medusa)
13 PERFECT
PHYSICAL SPECIMENS,
TORN FROM THEIR MOTHERS'
BREASTS AT BIRTH,
REARED BY OCELOTS
IN THE JUNGLES OF SUMATRA,
PAMPERED
BY SCREECHING THINGS
THE WORLD OVER.
NOT ONE SHRED OF MEAT
HAS EVER PASSED
THEIR PURE, VEGETARIAN LIPS.
[tapping]
[screeching]
BRING ON THE DANCERS!
?[music playing]
DANCERS?
[grunts]
WOUND HIM.
[laughing]
KILL HIM!
MANGO ME.
[clattering]
CLEVER, BUT DUMB.
?[Dance of the
Sugarplum Fairies playing]
GRAPE ME.
(Frayn)
IT HAS NEVER PREVIOUSLY
BEEN DISCLOSED
THAT MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV'S
DEFECTION TO THE WEST,
OWED A GREAT DEAL
TO THE EFFORTS OF MR. PARKER
WHO'D WORKED UNDERCOVER
WITH THE BOLSHOI BALLET
IN MOSCOW FOR OVER 3 YEARS.
AT THIS CRITICAL MOMENT,
THIS EXPERIENCE WOULD
PROVE MORE EFFECTIVE
THAN HIS FIREPOWER.
[groaning]
[hair clipper buzzing]
[clucking]
TAKE THIS,
LEONARD PARKER!
[firing]
[grunts]
(Medusa)
HE'S ESCAPED.
YOU TWO, FOLLOW ME.
[birds chirping]
SHH!
ANYONE COME BY HERE?
NO.
THANKS.
[beeping]
[buzzing]
A QUEEN BEE.
DRONES.
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, LADY,
YOU GET IN THERE
AND SHOW 'EM YOUR GARTER.
SCRAM!
[bees buzzing]
AHH!
[bees buzzing]
DON'T MIND IF I LOOK,
DO YOU?
BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ.
LEAD THEM AWAY,
LITTLE LADY.
BEES! GET OFF!
DON'T MIND ME.
YOU GUYS KEEP DANCING.
[man groaning]
[groaning]
ANYTHING BUT
THE BOOMERANG KNIFE.
[grunts]
[grunts]
WHATEVER YOU DO, SON,
DON'T FALL ON THAT.
THE SPHERE'S GONE.
[groaning]
[screaming]
[car approaching]
[tires screeching]
I'M OUT OF SHAPE.
NURSE CARVALHO
CAME THROUGH, THOUGH.
SNYDERBURN HAS
HIS PRECIOUS SPHERE.
SIR, YOU'RE BLEEDING!
CAUGHT A BULLET.
PREPARE FOR SURGERY.
SIR.
[groaning]
SCALPEL.
SCALPEL.
CLAMP.
CLAMP.
[grunting]
BELT.
BELT.
THE OTHER BELT.
OTHER BELT.
UH, YEAH.
[popping]
(Frayn)
THE ADMINISTERING
OF THE ANESTHETIC
HAD TO BE PRECISE.
IT WAS SCIENTIFICALLY
CONTROLLED SO THAT THE NERVE
ENDS WERE DEADENED
WHILE MR. PARKER REMAINED
CLEAR-HEADED AND CLINICAL
WITH RAZOR-SHARP REFLEXES.
HE PERFECTED IT
TO A FINE ART.
MEROSTEROPIN.
PARDON, SIR?
MEROSTEROPIN!
OH! UH, YOU'VE GOT IT.
[laughing]
[sighs]
[sobbing]
DAD, ARE YOU
IN THERE?
WHO IS IT?
(Joan)
YOU'RE COMING TONIGHT,
AREN'T YOU?
TONIGHT?
DADDY, YOU PROMISED,
AND TONIGHT'S
MY OPENING NIGHT.
(Joan)
THE CRITICS CAME
TO LAST NIGHT'S PREVIEW,
AND THEY THOUGHT
THE SHOW WAS SIMPLY TERRIFIC.
THE REVIEWS
WERE FANTASTIC. LOOK.
GO GET IT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
DADDY?
(Leonard)
IT'S, UH, UH, BEAUTIFUL,
DEAR. GREAT!
DADDY, YOU'RE NOT
READING THEM. I CAN TELL.
(Leonard)
YEAH, YEAH.
(Joan)
LET ME HEAR YOU.
[Leonard groaning]
DAD?
DAD?
AH!
ALONE AMONG THE ACTORS
ON STAGE,
REZAZI BENZUR SHAHEED--
OH, GOD!
PARKER GIVES
A SOULFUL, SHATTERING...
[Leonard groaning]
GUT WRENCHIN'...
[groaning]
PERFORMANCE.
YOU OK, DADDY?
(Leonard)
YEAH.
I'M TAKIN' A SHOWER.
THE WATER'S HOT.
OK, DAD.
GOT IT.
PLATINUM, SIR.
THE OFFENSIVE
WILL BEGIN ON SCHEDULE.
HOW?
HE STOLE THE SPHERE.
AND TONIGHT,
HE WILL RETURN IT.
[snickers]
GOOD EVENING, AUNTS.
THIS IS RACHEL,
THE WOMAN I WANT TO SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH,
WHAT LITTLE OF IT
THERE IS LEFT.
COME ALONG, HYLAH JANE.
[snoring]
WE MUST LEAVE
THESE 2 NUBILES ALONE.
(Hylah Jane)
HURRY, GERTA, HURRY.
HEPATITIS,
TERRIBLY CONTAGIOUS.
(Joan)
SO THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE GONE
AND CAUGHT YOUR DEADLY
AND INSISTENT HEPATITIS.
SEEIN' YOU HERE
WITH YOUR FAMILY
AND THE WOODED PLANKS
OF YOUR EVERGREEN CHILDHOOD,
I'M FORCED TO PICTURE YOU
AS A LITTLE BOY,
THE MAN AND POET
I LOVE.
I SEE YOU
AS I LOVE TO SEE YOU,
WITH YOUR BRAWNY HAIR
ACROSS YOUR WEARY BROW,
AND MY ARM A-CLING
TO YOUR FEVERED,
SWAMPY CHEST.
(Joan)
MY LOVE, MY SINFUL LUST,
MY UNKEPT LIFE,
YOUR NEVER-ENDING SONG.
OH, JAMIE, I CRAVE YOU.
I CRAVE YOU AS I SEE YOU
EACH MORN OF OUR FOND,
ILLICIT LOVE.
[audience applauding]
[man whistling]
[inaudible]
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
[people chattering]
[people laughing]
(man)
WELL, IT'S OK, YOU KNOW.
NOT ONLY THAT,
BUT MY PARENTS ARE HERE.
YOU KNOW, JOAN,
IT WAS MORE THAN THAT
YOU HAD YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
YOU WERE SPIRITUALLY
NAKED OUT THERE TONIGHT.
(Joan)
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
DADDY.
(Joan)
EVERYBODY,
THESE ARE MY PARENTS,
MR. AND MRS. PARKER.
I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO SAY HELLO.
HI.
HI.
DID YOU LIKE IT?
WHAT DID YOU THINK?
[people chattering]
WELL, IT WAS DIFFERENT.
PARKER,
YOU WERE MARVELOUS TONIGHT!
(Joan)
OH!
MAY I SEE YOU OUTSIDE
FOR A WHILE, PLEASE?
OF COURSE, LEONARD.
(Joan)
BYE, DAD.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH HIM?
I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S JUST THAT...
OH! WHAT A GREAT FUTURE.
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
LEONARD, I KNOW.
THE 2ND ACT
DOESN'T QUITE WORK.
I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT--
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!
EVEN SHE CAN'T HELP
THAT 2ND ACT.
I'M NOT TALKIN'
ABOUT SAVIN' THE 2ND ACT!
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
SAVIN' YOUR LIFE!
(Joan)
GIORGIO!
CIAO.
[bumping]
LEONARD, LEONARD,
WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THERE
AND TALK TO JOAN RIGHT NOW?
PLEASE, DEAR, PLEASE
DON'T ASK ME TO TALK,
ESPECIALLY TO HER.
PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT. I WILL.
[thumping]
(Frayn)
WHEN YOU'VE SURVIVED
VICIOUS VEGETARIANS
AND TAKEN A BULLET
FROM YOUR SHOULDER,
YOU DON'T NEED
YOUR DAUGHTER
FLAUNTING HER FULL
FRONTAL CHARMS
TO AN AUDIENCE OF STRANGERS.
IT WAS TIME TO ASSERT
HIS PARENTAL AUTHORITY.
[mumbling]
THEY'VE GOT MOM!
A WEIRD GUY WITH RED HAIR
TOOK HER AWAY.
[Joan sobbing]
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL GET HER BACK.
THEY GOT MRS. PARKER.
WE GOT TO GET THE SPHERE.
PUT THE FOOT TO THE GAS.
THERE'S GOT TO BE A SIMPLE WAY
TO MAKE THIS THING WORK.
I NEED THAT SPHERE.
ONE COULD RULE THE WORLD
WITH THIS THING.
[beeping]
IT ISN'T ENOUGH
WE HAVE TO STOP HER
FROM CONTROLLING
THE ANIMALS.
HE WANTS TO
CONTROL THE ANIMALS.
IT'S NOT ON, SIR.
NO.
I KNEW WE WOULD
NEVER GET THIS TO WORK.
HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING, TEAM?
LEONARD, WE CAN'T STILL
FIGURE OUT HOW
TO GET THIS THING TO WORK.
OH, REALLY?
THE RED LIQUID
NEUTRALIZES THE ANIMAL'S
PARASYMPATHETIC SYSTEM,
LEAVING THE BRAIN PAN FLACCID
AND OPEN TO ENCRYPTION,
BUT THE PUZZLE IS
HOW DID THIS WOMAN
ACTIVATE THEM?
(Leonard)
MAYBE YOU HAVE
THE WRONG RABBIT.
I KNEW WE GOT
THE WRONG RABBIT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
FRAYN?
UH-HUH.
(Leonard)
MAYBE IT'S THIS ONE.
COME HERE, FELLA.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
UH, YOU ALL STEP
OVER THERE.
NOW STEP OVER THERE.
AND LET'S SEE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE.
NOW, DID YOU GIVE IT
THE LIQUID?
(Jack)
SURE.
AND IT'S ALL
ACTIVATED THERE?
WELL, I THINK THE ONLY THING
MISSING HERE
IS TO SAY THE WORD
QUELISH!
[all screaming]
NOW, LET'S SEE MEDUSA
AND GET BACK MRS. PARKER.
[groaning]
[beeping]
OPEN THAT THING UP.
IN HERE, SIR?
SHE MUST BE PLANNING
TO DILUTE THAT CONCENTRATION
AND PUMP IT INTO
THE ENTIRE BAY AREA.
LOOKS LIKE
DISHWASHING LIQUID.
[beeping continues]
[car engine revving]
[tires screeching]
A PERFECT MATCH, SIR.
[horn honks]
[tires screeching]
(man on T.V.)
WATCH OUT!
BANDIT ON YOUR 6!
HE'S CLOSING FAST!
[honking]
[tires screeching]
THEY KIDNAPPED MY WIFE.
THIS--THIS WOMAN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[car honking]
[tires screeching]
[nurse chanting]
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT IS IT?
[chanting]
WHAT IS IT?
GO, GO AHEAD.
I TRUST YOU.
[horns honking]
[tires screeching]
[gibbering]
OH!
[speaking foreign language]
BUTTER?
[speaking foreign language]
MEAT PATTIES?
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
LET THEM THAW.
LET THEM THAW.
LET THEM THAW.
[tires screeching]
OOH! OOH!
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
[tires screeching]
AH! FRAYN.
ARRIVEDERCI.
OH, FRAYNIE.
I GOT YOUR BALL,
NOW LET ME IN.
[whooshing]
[screeches]
[beeping]
[screeching]
WELCOME BACK, LEONARD.
MAY I HAVE
MY WIFE BACK, PLEASE?
(Medusa)
NOT SO FAST. THE SPHERE.
[beeping]
WHERE IS SHE?
I WANT MY WIFE BACK.
(Medusa)
WHATEVER YOU SAY,
LEONARD PARKER.
(Allison)
LEONARD!
(Leonard)
ALLISON!
WHERE IS SHE?
(Allison)
LEONARD!
(Allison)
LEONARD!
IT'S A SIMPLE HOLOGRAM.
I WANT MY WIFE BACK!
SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW,
LEONARD?
YOU TOLD ME IF
I BROUGHT YOU THE SPHERE,
YOU'D GIVE ME
MY WIFE BACK!
(Medusa)
I LIED.
THE COUPLE
THAT SPIES TOGETHER,
[guns cocking]
DIES TOGETHER.
MY WIFE IS NO SPY!
I NEEDED A RHYME.
QUIET!
[beeping]
SO YOU THOUGHT
YOU COULD FOOL
MEDUSA JOHNSON
BY PUTTING DISHWASHING
LIQUID INTO MY SPHERE.
SO?
SO THAT WAS WHAT WAS IN IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU RESTAURANT SPAZ.
IT'S NOT THE LIQUID
THAT MAKES THE MAGIC.
IT'S THE MOLYBDENUM
CHROMIUM CATALYST.
I COULD PUT YOO-HOO
IN THIS THING,
AND IT WOULD WORK.
AND YOU CALL YOURSELF
A COLLEGE GRADUATE.
TAKE HIM TO ANNEX 3.
KILL HIM.
[belching]
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN,
LEONARD.
PAY ATTENTION TO
YOUR LAST MOMENTS ON EARTH.
THIS, I HOPE,
WILL BE THE DARKEST NIGHT
OF YOUR CRIMINALLY
INSENSITIVE EXISTENCE.
HI.
HANDS OFF!
[sheep bleating]
(Leonard)
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THESE ANIMALS?
I HAVE DONE
THE UNTHINKABLE.
TOLD THE ANIMALS
THE TRUTH,
THAT THEY HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED
AND TORMENTED BY MAN
FOR 2 MILLION YEARS.
IN LESS THAN 15 MINUTES,
I WILL SWITCH ON
THESE DISTRIBUTION PUMPS.
THE CONTENTS
OF THE VATS UPSTAIRS
WILL FLOW INTO
EVERY SINGLE WATERWAY
IN THE BAY AREA.
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
WILL BE LIBERATED,
AND THE WORLD
WILL SHUDDER.
(Leonard)
WHO'S PAYING FOR ALL THIS?
I DIDN'T HAVE BACKING
FROM ANY GOVERNMENTS
OR BIG BUSINESSES.
NO. THEY ALL THOUGHT
I WAS INSANE.
I DID IT ALL MYSELF.
A SELF-MADE WOMAN.
ALL I HAD TO START UP WITH
WAS POOR ANDY'S
DISABILITY INSURANCE,
BUT IT WAS ENOUGH.
NOW, MARCH.
LEONARD!
DARLING,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
W-WHAT'S GOING ON?
(Leonard)
KEEP ME, BUT RELEASE HER.
SHE'S INNOCENT.
NO ONE RELATED TO YOU
IS INNOCENT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?
KILL HIM.
YOU'RE RIGHT,
AS ALWAYS, ANDY.
GOOD-BYE, LEONARD.
AND TACKY-TACKY WIFEY.
THE OFFENSIVE
WILL START IMMEDIATELY.
[Medusa laughing]
DID YOU POUR
THAT FOOD ON ME
BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME
OR HATE ME?
DID YOU POUR
THAT FOOD ON ME
BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME
OR HATE ME?
BOTH.
[squealing]
LEONARD.
WHAT'S THAT?
[Allison screaming]
WHERE'S YOUR
RUBBER BANDS, FELLAS?
[beeping]
IN 5 MINUTES
AND 32 SECONDS,
ALL OF NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
WILL BE OURS.
[laughing]
NOT OURS. MINE!
RIGHT.
PIEDMONT?
(Jack)
OPERATIONAL!
OAKLAND?
ON LINE!
SAN JOSE?
STANDING BY.
BERKELEY?
READY TO GO.
FEED ME.
[Allison screaming]
GET OFF! GET OFF!
SHOO! SHOO!
(Leonard)
GET OUT OF HERE.
(Leonard)
HEY! GET!
[blowing]
(Allison)
LEONARD! LEONARD!
THERE ARE MORE COMING!
(Allison)
LEONARD, PLEASE! WELL,
DO SOMETHING, LEONARD!
[Allison screaming]
(Allison)
LEONARD!
(Leonard)
BITE! BITE!
LEONARD!
GET THEM OFF!
LEONARD!
[screaming]
CUT THE WIRE!
CUT IT!
LEONARD!
THERE ARE MORE COMING!
WHAT'S THAT,
LEONARD?
MELTED BUTTER.
MELTED BUTTER?
MELTED BUTTER.
YES, MELTED BUTTER!
AND IF YOU DON'T
CUT THE WIRES,
I'M GOING TO THERMIDOR YOU.
MELTED BUTTER! PULL!
MELTED BUTTER! PULL!
GET BACK! GET BACK!
BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
ARMADILLOS
AWAITING ACTIVATION.
RATS MASSING
IN DOWNTOWN SEWER.
PUMP 3.
(Medusa)
GENERATOR 2.
(Leonard)
COME ON, HONEY.
COME ON!
[groaning]
NOW LET'S GO HOME.
COME ON.
NOW WE GOT TO FIND
WHICH WAY'S OUT OF HERE.
BUT SURELY YOU'VE GOT TO
GET THAT SPHERE.
NO, I DON'T, EITHER.
LEONARD PARKER!
IF YOU DON'T GET THE SPHERE
AND SAVE THE WORLD
AND STOP MEDUSA,
YOU CAN FORGET
ABOUT EVER SEEING ME AGAIN.
IF I SAVE THE WORLD,
WILL YOU MOVE BACK IN WITH ME?
YOU SAVE THE WORLD
AND I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT!
LET'S GO SAVE THE WORLD.
[beeping]
(man)
COUNTDOWN CONTINUES.
ALL PERSONNEL
TO THEIR STATIONS.
ALL PERSONNEL
TO THEIR STATIONS.
UNBELIEVABLE!
CATERPILLARS ON THE MARCH
IN SACRAMENTO.
POSSUMS IN PIEDMONT
AWAITING ORDERS.
MOVE IT!
QUELISH COUNTDOWN CONTINUES.
[neighing]
[grunting]
(man)
BIRDS ALOFT AND TRACKING.
0127. NUMBER 12 PRESSURING.
QUELISH IN 20 SECONDS.
(man)
5 SECONDS NOW.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
IN THE SPY BUSINESS,
YOU GOT TO LEARN TO GET
READY A BIT QUICKER.
[horse neighs]
(Leonard)
COME ON, ALLISON!
(man)
16, 15...
BANANA ME.
...13, 12, 11...
QUELISH
IN 10 SECONDS.
9, 8, 7,
6, 5,
QUELISH, 3,
QUELISH, 2,
[crashing]
[grunting]
EMERGENCY PROCEDURE.
RELEASE PUMP 5!
RELEASE PUMP 5!
KILL HIM,
MY BEAUTIFUL VEGETARIANS.
[grunting]
KILL HIM!
AND YOU,
YOU GIVE ME MY SPHERE!
SPHERE!
AH!
GO FREE THE ANIMALS.
(man)
STOP HER! GET HER!
"NO MEAT."
HA!
MEAT!
(all)
MEAT!
100 PERCENT PURE BEEF!
(all)
BEEF!
PORK.
[grunts]
HA!
[man groaning]
MORE LOVELY MEAT?
[sheep bleating]
[dogs barking]
[pigs snorting]
[droning]
[quacking]
[croaking]
[cows mooing]
[horses neighing]
[twittering]
NO! DON'T BURGER ME!
[grunting]
I'M NOT AFRAID OF
A LITTLE MEAT.
[beeping]
[laughing]
[explosion]
NO MORE MEAT!
MEAT! MEAT!
MEAT!
[explosion]
[people shouting]
[neighing]
[dogs barking]
[whimpering]
[cows mooing]
[beeping]
[machine gun firing]
DEATH TO ALL MANKIND.
[beeping]
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED
DRINKING ALL THAT,
YOU'LL DEFINITELY NEED
A COUPLE OF THESE.
[bubbling]
[people screaming]
[people screaming]
[explosion]
[screaming]
[horses neighing]
MOTHER!
MOM!
(Allison)
YES, SWEETHEART.
WHERE'S DADDY?
[explosion]
[squawks]
COME ON, BOY.
WE'RE TOGETHER.
[people clamoring]
PLEASE STAND BACK.
THIS BUILDING'S
GOING TO BLOW.
[siren wailing]
BYE-BYE.
GET RID OF THIS,
WILL YOU?
YOU'LL NEVER WORK
IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS
ON WHAT MY WIFE
AND DAUGHTER HAVE TO SAY.
WE'RE GOING HOME.
[people chattering]
[people clapping]
(Frayn)
THAT WAS THE END OF THE STORY,
APART FROM AN ISOLATED
INCIDENT IN OREGON
WHEN A LUMBERJACK
WAS BRUTALLY ASSAULTED
BY A MALICIOUS MOLE.
MR. PARKER'S DAUGHTER
HAPPILY LEFT THE THEATRE
AND IS NOW WITH GREENPEACE
PICKETING TOXIC WASTE DUMPS.
MR. AND MRS. PARKER
CELEBRATED
THEIR RECONCILIATION
IN A MOST APPROPRIATE FASHION.
I LOVE YOU.
TONIGHT?
TONIGHT.
LET'S EAT.
LET'S EAT.
LET'S EAT!
MMM.
NO, NO.
TONIGHT MRS. PARKER
WILL SERVE HER HUSBAND SUPPER.
(waiter)
AS YOU WISH, MONSIEUR.
DO IT.
[chuckling]
? YEAH, YEAH
? WHOA
[laughing]
? LIVING AGAINST THE GRAIN
? TWO HEARTS
SHARING ONE PAIN
? BUT THANKS TO LOVE
WE GOT BY
? I COULDN'T LET
MY FEELINGS SHOW
? COULDN'T LET YOU EVER KNOW
? THAT THE END
THAT SEEMED SO REAL
? WAS JUST A LIE
? ALL THE THINGS
I DID FOR LOVE
? HAVE TURNED OUT SO WRONG
? NO MATTER WHAT I TRY
? NOW JUST MAGNIFIES THE LIE
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? I'D BE SO LOST WITHOUT YOU
[laughing]
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? SO GLAD WE FOUND
OUT IN TIME
? TRUE LOVE IS HARD TO FIND
? THIS TIME WE'RE GONNA
GET IT RIGHT
? WE'RE HOLDING ON TIGHT
? I WON'T BE MISLED AGAIN
? THIS TIME THE GOOD GUYS
ARE GONNA WIN
? OUR LOVE COMES
SO NATURALLY
? WE WERE MEANT TO BE
? PRETENDING NOT TO CARE
? WAS THE HARDEST
THING TO FAKE
? AND BEING
WITHOUT YOUR LOVE
? IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? I'D BE SO LOST WITHOUT YOU
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? NOBODY THOUGHT
WE COULD MAKE IT, NO
? THEY DIDN'T THINK
? OUR LOVE WOULD HAVE
THE STRENGTH TO TAKE IT
? OH, NO, OH
? THE LESSON'S BEEN
HARD TO LEARN
? BUT WE PASSED EVERY TEST
? AFTER ALL
THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
? OUR LOVE IS STILL
STANDING, BABY
? OUR LOVE IS STILL STANDING
? YES, IT'S STILL
STANDING UP
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? I'D BE SO LOST WITHOUT YOU
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? OH, YES
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE, NO
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? NO ME WITHOUT YOU, BABY
? I'D BE SO LOST
? I'D BE SO LOST
? OH, OH, YEAH
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? JUST CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE
WITHOUT YOU, BABY
? JUST CAN'T LIVE
? NO
? NO
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? HOLD ON TIGHT
? HOLD ON TIGHT
? CAN'T LIVE
? CAN'T LIVE
? OH, NO, BABY
? BABY
? I MISS YOU, BABY
? WHOA, WHOA
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, BABY
? I NEED MY
? WHOA, ARMS AROUND YOU
? I REALLY NEED YOU
? I'VE BEEN
MISSING YOU, BABY
? CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU
? WITHOUT YOU ?
[squawks]
[croaks]
[rattling]
[water bubbling]
[burps]
[trumpets]
[whooping]
[meowing]
[laughing]
[coughing]
[growling]
[barks]
[car approaching]
[explosion]
THERE'S A LOGICAL EXPLANATION,
WHY LEONARD PARKER
FOUND HIMSELF
FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.
ONE, IN AN ARMORED PORSCHE,
2, WEARING BALLET SLIPPERS,
AND 3,
ON THE BACK OF AN OSTRICH.
ALL IN THE SPACE OF ONE WEEK
IN SAN FRANCISCO.
MR. PARKER,
WHOM I HAVE THE HONOR
TO SERVE,
IS A MAN
OF EXCEPTIONAL TALENTS,
WHOSE 5 PREVIOUS ADVENTURES
WOULD, I'M SURE,
HAVE ENTHRALLED YOU,
HAD THEY NOT BEEN CONFISCATED,
IN THE INTERESTS
OF WORLD SECURITY.
IT ALL BEGAN
UNDER THAT FAMOUS BRIDGE
WITH A TEAM OF FROGMEN,
NOT, I HASTEN TO ADD,
ON OUR SIDE.
[water bubbling]
[water bubbling]
[barking]
QUINCY, THE WATER'S BEAUTIFUL.
COME IN.
COME IN.
IT'S MAN RAY.
QUELISH.
[creaking]
[barking]
[barking]
[growling]
[squeaking]
[barking]
OH, QUINCY,
STOP SPLASHING.
[belching]
[explosion]
[laughing menacingly]
THIS WAS, I BELIEVE,
THE FIRST RECORDED INSTANCE,
OF A C.I.A. AGENT
BEING EATEN ALIVE
BY A RAINBOW TROUT.
AND WORSE WAS TO COME.
(Jack)
WE'VE LOST 8 AGENTS
THIS MONTH.
BUT HOW DO WE STRIKE BACK
AGAINST FEROCIOUS FISH?
WE BLOW 'EM OFF
THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
WE'VE GOT THE CAPABILITY.
I HOPE YOU KNOW I SYMPATHIZE
WITH THAT PASSION, JACK,
BUT WE CAN'T.
WE'VE GOT TO LEARN
THEIR SECRET,
AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
ABOVE ALL,
WE MUSTN'T PANIC.
OH, YES, WE MUST.
IF SAN FRANCISCO GOES,
TOMORROW IT'LL BE OREGON.
AND THEN,
THE REST OF THE WORLD.
IN MY LIFETIME,
I'VE ONLY WORKED WITH ONE MAN
WHO CAN MATCH
THE BRUTALITY AND HEINOUS WIT
THAT'S BEHIND THESE SORDID
AND UNPATRIOTIC EXECUTIONS.
MR. SNYDERBURN,
YOU DON'T MEAN--
YES.
HE RETIRED.
HE'LL NEVER COME BACK.
HE'LL COME BACK.
I'LL SEND MONROE TO GET HIM.
[people chattering]
(man)
MMM. THAT LOOKS
WONDERFUL.
(Monroe)
LEONARD.
(Frayn)
RETIREMENT BORED MR. PARKER.
AND HIS ENORMOUS WEALTH
GAVE HIM LITTLE CONSOLATION.
AS A DIVERSION,
HE OPENED A RESTAURANT,
WHICH NATURALLY BECAME
SAN FRANCISCO'S FINEST.
YES, MR. MONROE?
I'M AFRAID
IT ISN'T FRESH.
UH, WHAT ISN'T FRESH, SIR?
THE TROUT IS NOT FRESH.
OH, BUT, SIR,
WE--WE KEEP OUR FISH
LIVE IN A TANK.
OH. WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D SHOW ME THE TANK.
OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO.
FOLLOW ME.
[people chattering]
SO HERE IT IS.
THIS IS NOT
ABOUT TROUT.
WOULD YOU PREFER
THE FLOUNDER?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT!
I'VE BEEN WAITING
A LONG TIME FOR THIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
IS GONNA DO FOR MY CAREER,
ELIMINATING
THE NUMBER ONE AGENT
IN THE WESTERN WORLD?
BUT I'M NOT
THE NUMBER ONE AGENT.
I RETIRED 7 YEARS AGO.
YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT
NICK SNYDERBURN SAYS.
SNYDERBURN?
NOW DON'T BE NERVOUS, NOW.
OH, I'M NOT NERVOUS,
YOU KNOW.
AH, CREPES FLAMBE!
[bullets ricocheting]
MAKE SPAGHETTI, SCOTTY.
[machine whirring]
[gun firing]
[glass shattering]
AH.
[metallic clanking]
[chefs chattering]
MORE BUTTER.
[people chattering]
(Leonard)
GO EASY, MONROE.
[bullets ricocheting]
[ricocheting continues]
[grunting]
[door opening]
LEONARD!
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
[thudding]
WHY...
WHY DID YOU SEND MONROE
TO KILL ME?
SUPPOSE MONROE
HAD GOTTEN LUCKY
AND KILLED ME.
THEN YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN RIGHT FOR THE JOB.
SIT DOWN.
[squelching]
LEONARD,
YOU KNOW JEFFERSON HERE.
[squelching]
AND, LIGHTS!
[switches clicking]
ALL TOGETHER AGAIN.
WE CAN DO BETTER
THAN THAT.
[clicking]
PUT THEM BACK ON.
AND, LIGHTS!
STIMOLA MEAT COMPANY,
CADNA, ILLINOIS.
[clicking]
A GROUP OF HIGHLY TRAINED
HOUSE CATS
ASSAULTED ONE OF OUR AGENTS
IN THE GRISTLE ROOM,
COVERING HIM WITH FUR BALLS,
KILLING HIM AND, UH,
BURNING HIS I.R.S. RECORDS.
MALFORD WILSON, VIRGINIA.
HUSBAND AND WIFE TEAM,
ASSAULTED ON STATE ROAD 306
BY 18 SQUIRRELS,
AND LEFT FOR DEAD,
WHICH, OF COURSE,
THEY WERE.
WORST OF ALL,
RIGHT IN THIS AREA,
AN AS YET UNKNOWN NUMBER
OF APPARENTLY FURIOUS GOPHERS,
ATTACKED AND KILLED
OUR UNDERCOVER COOK.
THIS IS THE WORK
OF A SINGLE,
HEINOUS ORGANIZATION,
UNDER THE DIRECTION
OF A MANIACAL,
AND SADISTIC WOMAN.
SHE'S A VEGETARIAN,
A FORMER ECOLOGIST,
AND SHE'S BENT ON
TAKING OVER THE WORLD.
AND, LIGHTS!
[clicking]
[squelching]
(Jack)
THIS HEINOUS WOMAN
HAS DEVELOPED A FORMULA
WHICH CAN CONTROL
THE VERY MIND OF EVERY ANIMAL,
FISH, BIRD, REPTILE,
AND INSECT ON THIS GLOBE.
AND WE HAVE JUST LEARNT
THAT IN THE NEXT 36
TO 72 HOURS,
THIS PARAPSYCHOTIC TYRANT
PLANS TO LAUNCH
AN ALL-ANIMAL OFFENSIVE
OF MAJOR PROPORTIONS
AGAINST THE BAY AREA.
[Snyderburn]
LEONARD.
YOU GOTTA COME BACK WITH US.
(Frayn)
MR. PARKER
HAD ALWAYS EXPECTED
THAT ONE DAY
HE WOULD HEAR ONCE MORE
THE CLARION CALL OF DUTY.
BUT NEVER
IN HIS WILDEST NIGHTMARES
DID HE IMAGINE
THAT HE'D BE ASKED
TO PIT HIS RESOURCES
AGAINST FEROCIOUS FELINES
AND HOMICIDAL SQUIRRELS.
THAT VERY MORNING,
I HAD TAKEN A MESSAGE
FROM THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES
ASKING MR. PARKER
TO CALL BACK
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
THAT CALL AND THIS MEETING
COULD HARDLY BE UNCONNECTED.
FACED WITH
THIS KIND OF PRESSURE,
HOW COULD HE SAY NO?
NO.
WE NEED YOU, LEONARD.
YOU DON'T NEED ME.
YOU NEED THE A.S.P.C.A.
WE'LL PAY YOUR REGULAR FEE.
$6 MILLION.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST BLOW HER UP?
WELL, YOU KNOW THERE'S NOTHING
I'D RATHER DO THAN THAT.
BUT WE CAN'T.
WHAT SHE'S GOT
COULD BE USEFUL TO US.
NO.
BUT WHY NOT, DAMN IT?
I HAVE MY REASONS.
OH, YEAH.
HIS WIFE.
HE QUIT THIS ORGANIZATION,
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
IT WOULD GET HIS WIFE BACK.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE WON'T EVEN RETURN
YOUR PHONE CALLS.
SHE NEEDS TIME.
IT'S BEEN 7 YEARS.
7 YEARS, A LIFELESS DRUDGE.
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT COMING BACK WITH US
MIGHT JUST WIN HER BACK.
[squelching]
MONROE!
YOU KNOW, LEONARD,
MY DEAREST FRIEND,
JUST LOOK AT YOU.
IT'S NO WONDER THAT GORGEOUS
AND VOLUPTUOUS CREATURE
DOESN'T WANT
YOU AROUND ANYMORE.
THAT'S ENOUGH, SNYDERBURN.
WELL, YOU'RE MY DEAREST
FRIEND AND--
YOU'RE NOT REMOTELY
MY DEAREST FRIEND.
AND I HAVE A KIWI TART
THAT DEMANDS
MY IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.
I KNEW IT.
WE'RE ALL GONERS.
[squelching]
OH, SHUT UP, MADISON.
[door slams]
(Frayn)
IT'S TRUE THAT MR. PARKER
WOULD HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING
TO BE RECONCILED
WITH HIS WIFE.
HE EVEN GAVE UP THE SERVICE.
HIS WIFE THOUGHT
INTELLIGENCE WORK
MEANT RUNNING
AROUND THE WORLD,
JUMPING INTO BED
WITH A LOT OF BLONDE PEOPLE.
SO HE GAVE IT UP,
HOPING ONE DAY
SHE WOULD RETURN.
[Leonard sighing]
DID SHE CALL?
NO, SIR. SORRY, SIR.
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
FRAYN.
OH, I CAN SEE
MY DAUGHTER'S HERE AGAIN.
THAT'S NOT
THE HALF OF IT, SIR.
DADDY!
HI, HONEY!
[both laughing]
OK, NOW WHAT ARE YOU
AND YOUR MOTHER
FIGHTING ABOUT?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
HUH?
ALL RIGHT,
NOW WHAT DID YOU DO?
WELL, SHE STILL REFUSES
TO ALLOW ME
TO EXPRESS MYSELF.
AND SHE MAY NOT EVEN COME
TO THE OPENING NIGHT.
HMM.
BUT I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE
ON THURSDAY, RIGHT, DADDY?
NO, YOUR FATHER WILL BE THERE
BEFORE THE STAGEHANDS ARRIVE.
SEE, I KNEW YOU WOULD.
AND I AM SO EXCITED
ABOUT THIS PLAY, DADDY.
I JUST KNOW IT'S GONNA
MAKE ME A STAR.
AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE?
HMM. YOU-YOU'RE GOING STEADY
WITH THE LEADING MAN.
THE DIRECTOR.
AND DADDY,
HE IS WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
HE'S WONDERFUL?
AND HE'S
IN THE DRAWING ROOM.
IN THE DRAWING ROOM.
COME ON.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO HIM.
OK.
(Joan)
MMM-HMM. WONDERFUL.
DADDY, MEET
GIORGIO FRANCOSI.
CIAO, LEONARD.
A PLEASURE.
IS THIS WHAT YOU HAD A FIGHT
WITH YOUR MOTHER ABOUT?
DADDY.
WELL, HE'S NOT
STAYING HERE, EITHER.
I'D NEVER BE
SO PRESUMPTUOUS.
I ONLY WANTED TO MEET
THE FAMOUS FATHER,
OF THE BRILLIANT WOMAN
WHO STOLE
NOT ONLY MY HEART
BUT WHO'S ABOUT TO STEAL
THE HEART
OF ALL SAN FRANCISCO.
BY FRIDAY MORNING,
REZAZI BENZUR SHAHEED PARKER
WILL BE A STAR.
WHO IS THAT?
THAT'S MY STAGE NAME.
IN A FEW SHORT MONTHS,
THIS WOMAN HAS GROWN
FROM A CALLOW,
INSENSITIVE CHILD
TO A MATURE--
JOANIE, GET YOUR FATHER
A SANDWICH AND SOMETHING COLD
TO DRINK.
NOW, PLEASE.
WHAT IS THIS?
UH, WHAT--WHAT--
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE'RE IN LOVE.
WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
RIGHT.
SHE'S 2O YEARS OLD.
RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE 65?
66.
I DON'T WANT A 66-YEAR-OLD
SON-IN-LAW.
YOU'RE ROBBING THE CRADLE.
YOU BENT ON YOUR
POINT OF VIEW?
SOME SAY JOAN
IS ROBBING THE GRAVE.
[coughing]
WELL, I'M NOT
PAYING FOR THE WEDDING.
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
HERE, DADDY.
DADDY, LOOK AT THIS FACE.
MY LITTLE CANNOLI.
[speaking Italian]
WHAT, UH,
DID YOUR MOTHER SAY?
[speaking Italian]
YOU THINK I SHOULD I CALL HER?
HMM?
[bumping]
FRAYN!
GOOD NIGHT, UH, SERGIO.
HUH?
FATHER, IT'S GIORGIO.
WHATEVER IT IS
YOU BROUGHT IN HERE,
GOOD NIGHT.
CIAO.
YES.
LEONARDO.
YOU STAY. YOU STAY!
SIT DOWN.
GOOD NIGHT,
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
[door closing]
COULDN'T YOU HAVE FOUND
SOMEBODY 45 YEARS OLD?
THIS MAN IS OLD ENOUGH
TO BE MY FATHER.
MUST YOU INTERFERE
IN MY LIFE, DADDY?
YOU'RE JUST LIKE MOTHER.
SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE
THAT I REALLY WANT TO BE
AN ACTRESS.
AND BEING AN ACTRESS IS
WHAT I INTEND TO DO
WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE YOUR MOTHER,
BECAUSE A MONTH AGO,
YOU WANTED TO BE A SCULPTOR
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
A MONTH BEFORE THAT,
YOU WANTED TO BE A BUDDHIST
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AND A MONTH BEFORE THAT,
YOU BOUGHT, UH, LUGGAGE.
THAT'S TRUE.
AND NO OFFENSE, DADDY,
BUT I JUST DON'T
WANNA BE IN JUST
THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS.
I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF,
AND I NEED TO EXPERIENCE LIFE
AT ITS MOST RAW.
MOTHER DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND THIS.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A WEDDING,
AND THEN MAYBE
A WEEK LATER,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO PAY
FOR A FUNERAL.
(Frayn)
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE CITY,
ANOTHER FUNERAL WAS IMMINENT.
OUTSIDE THE HEADQUARTERS
OF INTERNATIONAL TUNA,
C.I.A. OPERATIVE CHARLES POLK
WAS KEEPING SURVEILLANCE.
[electrical sparking]
[alarm bell ringing]
MEDUSA! MEDUSA!
GOVERNMENT AGENT ON PIER ONE.
GOVERNMENT AGENT ON PIER ONE.
WHO HAS THE NERVE
TO CALL?
[machine humming]
KILL HIM.
OF COURSE, MY BELOVED ANDY,
KILL HIM.
[squeaking]
[dog howling]
[crow cawing]
[croaking]
[dog howling]
[croaking]
[clicking]
[creaking]
[croaking]
[croaking]
QUELISH.
[all croaking]
[metallic clanking]
[frogs croaking]
[laughing maniacally]
[Medusa laughing maniacally]
[croaking]
[Hurt by Peabo Bryson playing]
? I'M
? SO HURT
? TO THINK THAT YOU LIED
? LIED TO ME
[knock on door]
WHO IS IT?
(Frayn)
FRAYN, SIR.
COME IN, FRAYN.
? DEEP DOWN INSIDE
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
HERE'S YOUR NIGHTCAP.
[hoarsely]
OH, THANK YOU.
[sighing]
MISS JOAN'S
CERTAINLY A HANDFUL, SIR.
[chuckling]
I'M AFRAID SHE HAS A BIT
OF HER MOTHER IN HER.
I MISS HER.
I KNOW, SIR.
7 YEARS.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO STOP BEING
SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
[sighing]
I HAVE NOT BEEN WITH A WOMAN
SINCE MRS. PARKER LEFT ME.
I'VE ALMOST FORGOTTEN
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE
WITH HER.
OUT BECAUSE OF
ONE SILLY MISTAKE.
TERRIBLE PUNISHMENT, SIR,
EVEN IF THE GIRL WAS ONLY 19.
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
BUT TO BE FAIR, SIR,
MRS. PARKER DID FIND
THE TWO OF YOU
NAKED IN THE SAUNA,
SWITCHING EACH OTHER
WITH BIRCH LEAVES.
I NEVER LAID A FINGER
ON THAT GIRL.
NO, SIR,
WITH JUST THE BIRCH LEAVES.
SIR,
I-I-IS MISS JOAN
REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT
M-M-MARRYING THIS
SERGIO PERSON, SIR?
[chuckling]
I DON'T THINK SO.
YES. YES, SHE'S SERIOUS,
AND I THINK I SHOULD
TALK TO HER MOTHER
ABOUT THIS.
NOW, SIR?
YES!
IT'S 2:00 A.M.
I COULDN'T THINK
OF A BETTER EXCUSE.
[dialing]
? NO, NO
[telephone ringing]
HELLO.
UH, ALLISON?
LISTEN, I WAS, UH, UH...
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU,
ABOUT THIS SITUATION
WITH JOAN AND THIS, UH,
UH, SERGIO, UH,
WELL, WHATEVER HIS NAME IS.
UH, THIS ACTING AND...
I--I--I MISS YOU.
UH, AND I'M
LOVING THE MEMORY OF...
I'M GOING TO EXPLODE...
AND, OR--OR--OR JUMP OFF
OF A--A BUILDING.
LEONARD.
DINNER HERE TOMORROW NIGHT
AT 9:00.
DON'T--DON'T TOY WITH,
DON'T TOY WITH ME NOW.
AND, UH, UH, DON'T KID ME.
TOMORROW NIGHT AT 9:00.
? NEVER HURT ME, OH ?
SHE SAID YES.
BRAVO, SIR!
THANK YOU, SIR.
BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
?[Positive by Peabo Bryson
playing]
? STOP FEELING SORRY
? OH, STOP FEELING SAD
THIS ONE.
? YOU'VE GOT LOTS GOING
FOR YOU
? SO DON'T FEEL SO BAD
(Frayn)
COME ON, HEAD UP!
KEEP TALL! RELAX! FORWARD.
DRIVE IT THROUGH!
[Frayn yelling]
COME ON, NOW!
WE'VE GOT TO BE
READY BY TONIGHT!
DON'T GIVE UP!
[panting]
YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?
NEVER MIND! NEVER MIND!
COME ON, GET BACK
ON THAT MACHINE!
? JUST WHAT IT IS
? POSITIVE POSITIVE
? WITH THE LOVE
THAT YOU GIVE
THERE YOU GO.
YOU'LL BE COMING IN 3 MONTHS?
[chuckling]
? I CAN SEE HOW YOU FEEL
[karate yell]
? EMOTION
? AND WHAT THEY REVEAL
? IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO MOVE ON UP
? TIME YOU HAD
A CHANGE OF LUCK
? AND BE POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS
(Frayn)
UP! DOWN! FEEL THAT BURN!
FEEL THAT BURN!
COME ON!
TOMORROW NIGHT AT 9:00.
? WHOA-OH-OH
[girls chattering]
? BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME
? WILL LOVE BE THE SAME?
? YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE
? IT CAN WORK AGAIN
(Jane Fonda on T.V.)
AND REACH! 1 AND 2.
WELL, IT'S THE AEROBIC
SECTION NOW.
LET THOSE KNEES BEND.
REACH, REACH.
COME ON!
(Fonda)
REACH.
THAT'S RIGHT, COME ON.
COME ON, LEONARD,
GET YOUR BACK INTO IT.
GOD, YOU'RE LAZY!
REACH!
AND NOW RAISE UP, ONE.
COME ON, SIR.
WE CAN DO BETTER
THAN THIS.
COME ON! LIFT! LIFT!
OH, COME ON, LEONARD,
CAN'T YOU GET IT UP?
[buzzing]
LEONARD.
PAY ATTENTION, LEONARD.
LEONARD, THIS IS A DIAGRAM
OF THE SPHERE.
[electronic beeping]
HOW'D HE GET ON THIS TAPE?
(Snyderburn)
IT'S THE NERVE CENTER
OF THEIR OPERATION.
IT CONTROLS
THE ANIMALS' BEHAVIOR.
THE SPHERE IS GUARDED
NIGHT AND DAY
BY UNKNOWN FORCES
IN A ROOM WHICH I CALL B.
YOU'LL ISOLATE AND RETRIEVE
THE SPHERE AT THIS POINT B.
WE NEED THIS SPHERE, LEONARD.
YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT.
I THINK YOU CAN DO IT.
(Frayn)
IT'S ALL A QUESTION
OF ATTITUDE, SIR.
I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN DO THIS.
? POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? WITH THE LOVE
THAT YOU GIVE
? WHOA-OH-OH
LOVE THAT YOU GIVE
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS
[gargling]
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
WITH OUR LOVE
? WE CAN'T MISS
? WHOA-OH-OH
? YEAH
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? YOU SHOULD BE
? JUST POSITIVE
? POSITIVE, POSITIVE
? WHOA-OH-OH
? POSITIVE
? POSITIVE
THIS IS IT FOR TIES, SIR,
BUT...
? WHOA-OH-OH
? POSITIVE
? BE POSITIVE
? POSITIVE
? BE POSITIVE
? THINK POSITIVE
? THINK POSITIVE ?
[chiming]
[car engine starting]
(Frayn)
IT WARMED MY HEART
TO SEE MR. PARKER SO HAPPY.
HE'D WAITED 7 YEARS
FOR THIS EVENING,
SO HE'D LEFT NOTHING
TO CHANCE.
HE WAS WEARING
THE PERFECT SUIT,
CARRIED THE PERFECT FLOWERS,
AND IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF,
HAD CHOSEN THE PERFECT TIE.
WHEN THEY'D SEPARATED,
HE HAD MOVED AWAY
AS FAR AS HE FELT
HE POSSIBLY COULD.
I LEFT HIM ALONE
WITH HIS THOUGHTS
DURING THE AGONIZING RIDE
TO HER HOUSE.
ALL THE BEST, SIR.
[doorbell chiming]
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
MADAM IS EXPECTING YOU.
THE STAFF AND I WOULD LIKE TO
WISH YOU GOOD LUCK, SIR.
THANK YOU.
WALK THIS WAY, SIR.
OH, SIR,
HOW WE'VE ALL MISSED YOU.
WELL, I'VE MISSED
SEEING YOU, DUCHAMP.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
MY OLD DOG, BRUTUS,
PASSED AWAY.
BEST DOG I EVER HAD.
I'M SORRY
TO HEAR THAT.
MARCEL AND I
HOPE TO SEE YOU
AT BREAKFAST, SIR.
[chuckling]
I, UH, BOUGHT THESE,
BUT I SEE
YOU ALREADY HAVE SO...
[door closing]
UH, UH, I BOUGHT THESE
FOR YOU,
BUT YOU HAVE SO MANY.
THANK YOU, LEONARD.
YOU LOOK
VERY HANDSOME TONIGHT.
AND YOU LOOK
MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN EVER.
LEONARD, PLEASE.
WHERE--WHERE DO YOU
WANT ME TO SIT?
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE,
IN YOUR CHAIR.
THANK YOU.
[wheels squeaking]
[cutlery rattling]
THANK YOU, DUCHAMP,
BUT I'LL SERVE SUPPER.
AND, DUCHAMP, MR. PARKER AND I
DO NOT WISH TO BE DISTURBED.
YES, MA'AM.
I AM SO HAPPY
TO BE HERE.
I'VE COUNTED THE MINUTES,
TOO, LEONARD.
I WAS SO EXCITED
T0 SEE YOU TONIGHT.
GOOD.
THERE'S BEEN
SO MUCH MISUNDERSTANDING
BETWEEN US
THAT SOMETIMES I FEEL
WE'VE ALMOST BECOME
STRANGERS.
TONIGHT IS
A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY
TO REMEDY ALL THAT.
YES. OH, YES.
OH.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SO SORRY.
IT WILL COME OUT.
I WAS HOPING THAT TONIGHT
WE COULD PUT THE PAST
BEHIND US.
EXACTLY.
YOU KNOW, LEONARD,
I'VE NEVER LOVED ANYONE
AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU,
AND IT WAS PAINFUL,
EXTREMELY PAINFUL
WHEN THAT INCIDENT
OCCURRED.
WELL, YEAH,
IT WAS PAINFUL
FOR ME AS WELL,
BUT, I MEAN,
THAT'S BEHIND US.
THAT'S THE PAST.
I MEAN, YOU SAID IT. THAT'S--
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
LEONARD,
I KNOW WHAT I SAID,
BUT I'M HAVING
A LOT OF TROUBLE
NOT REMEMBERING
YOU WITH HER.
EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR FACE,
I SEE THAT 19-YEAR-OLD.
I--I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I MADE YOUR FAVORITE.
OH.
OH.
THANK YOU.
CANCEL THE GRITS.
[car door opening]
(Frayn)
SOMETHING TOLD ME AT A GLANCE
THAT THE EVENING
HAD NOT GONE WELL.
WAS IT THE TIE, SIR?
FRAYN, TAKE ME TO SEE
NURSE CARVALHO.
BUT WE NEVER SEE THE NURSE
UNLESS WE'RE GOING TO WORK.
NURSE CARVALHO.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
(Frayn)
THIS LATEST PERSONAL DISASTER
WAS AT LEAST SALVATION
FOR THE WESTERN WORLD.
AGENT LEONARD PARKER
WAS RETURNING TO THE FIELD.
BEFORE ANY ASSIGNMENT,
MR. PARKER ALWAYS CONSULTED
NURSE CARVALHO,
[drums beating]
AN ALBANIAN FORTUNETELLER,
WHO NOW LIVED
IN A TRAILER PARK
IN OAKLAND.
HE TRUSTED HER
EVEN THOUGH
HE NEVER UNDERSTOOD
A SINGLE WORD SHE SAID.
YES.
(Leonard)
HOW ARE YOU, NURSE?
[nurse speaking
foreign language]
[both chuckling]
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
[speaking foreign language]
I'VE DECIDED TO GO BACK
TO WORK.
AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD YOU DO FOR ME
THE WONDERFUL THING
THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE
IN THE PAST?
[speaking foreign language]
GOOD.
[speaking foreign language]
[chanting]
[children laughing]
[shouting]
[laughter continues]
[both laughing]
[speaking
in foreign language]
[chanting]
[children laughing]
[shouting]
[speaking in foreign language]
[dog howling in distance]
[mumbling]
?[Dance of the Sugarplum
Fairies playing]
TIPPY TIPPY TOE.
TIPPY TIPPY TWIRL.
[chanting]
THANK YOU.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
BUT I IMAGINE EVENTUALLY
EVERYTHING WILL BE CLEAR.
QUELISH.
QUELMISH.
QUELISH.
?[singing native song]
[dog barking]
HOW WAS SHE, SIR?
[chuckling]
STILL WEIRD.
[drums continue beating]
WHAT HAVE WE GOT,
FRAYN?
SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL
POCKET-SIZED WEAPONS
AVAILABLE, SIR.
AUSTRALIAN
BOOMERANG KNIFE.
SKY-LYNX COLLAPSIBLE BAZOOKA.
3 WAFER-THIN GRENADES.
[buzzing]
HAIR CLIPPERS, SIR.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
THE WORLD'S SMALLEST CAMERA.
TO ROUND OFF
YOUR PERSONAL ARTILLERY,
SIR,
A PAIR OF UNDERARM,
HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES.
[clicking]
[electronic beeping]
TALK TO ME.
"HALF A LEAGUE,
HALF A LEAGUE
"HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD
INTO THE VALLEY OF DEATH
RODE THE 600"
"AND CRISPIN CRISPIAN
SHALL NE'ER GO BY
"FROM THIS DAY
TO THE ENDING OF THE WORLD
BUT WE IN IT
SHALL BE REMEMBERED"
"GRACE ME NO GRACE
NOR UNCLE ME NO UNCLE"
"DON'T FIRE UNTIL YOU SEE
THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES."
I'M DYING. EGYPT'S DYING.
"WE SHALL FIGHT
ON THE BEACHES.
"WE SHALL FIGHT
ON THE LANDING GROUNDS.
"WE SHALL FIGHT
IN THE FIELDS
"AND IN THE STREETS.
WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER."
"NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT
MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER
BY THIS SON OF YORK"
PICK UP YOUR GUN,
GET ON YOUR HORSE
AND GET ON YOUR WAY.
THE LATIN.
DO THE LATIN.
AMO, AMAS, AMAT,
AMAMUS, AMATIS, AMANT.
IS SHE READY?
SIR.
[garbled chattering
on radio]
[car door closing]
[beeping]
[whirring]
[radio chattering continues]
[machine humming]
[tires screeching]
[metallic clanking]
[tires squealing]
[machine whirring]
[whooshing]
[explosion]
[firing]
[Medusa laughing maniacally]
KILL HIM!
[belching]
NOT YET,
MY BELOVED ANDY.
FOR THIS ONE,
ONE WING AT A TIME,
JUST LIKE A FLY.
?[1812 Overture playing]
[explosions]
[missiles firing]
THICK DOOR.
[chuckling]
[dog howling]
NOW.
LET HIM IN.
[door rattling]
[dog howling]
[screeching]
[dog barking]
[anteater sniffing]
WELCOME, LEONARD.
WHO'S THAT?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH
THE SEAS PART, LEONARD?
[laughing]
NOT REALLY.
DO YOU THINK
I CAN PART THE SEAS, LEONARD?
YEAH.
PART THE SEAS,
THRASH THE FIELDS,
INFLAME THE SKIES?
UH-HUH.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET
MY VEGETARIANS, LEONARD?
VEGETARIANS?
VEGETARIANS.
(Medusa)
13 PERFECT
PHYSICAL SPECIMENS,
TORN FROM THEIR MOTHERS'
BREASTS AT BIRTH,
REARED BY OCELOTS
IN THE JUNGLES OF SUMATRA,
PAMPERED
BY SCREECHING THINGS
THE WORLD OVER.
NOT ONE SHRED OF MEAT
HAS EVER PASSED
THEIR PURE, VEGETARIAN LIPS.
[tapping]
[screeching]
BRING ON THE DANCERS!
?[music playing]
DANCERS?
[grunts]
WOUND HIM.
[laughing]
KILL HIM!
MANGO ME.
[clattering]
CLEVER, BUT DUMB.
?[Dance of the
Sugarplum Fairies playing]
GRAPE ME.
(Frayn)
IT HAS NEVER PREVIOUSLY
BEEN DISCLOSED
THAT MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV'S
DEFECTION TO THE WEST,
OWED A GREAT DEAL
TO THE EFFORTS OF MR. PARKER
WHO'D WORKED UNDERCOVER
WITH THE BOLSHOI BALLET
IN MOSCOW FOR OVER 3 YEARS.
AT THIS CRITICAL MOMENT,
THIS EXPERIENCE WOULD
PROVE MORE EFFECTIVE
THAN HIS FIREPOWER.
[groaning]
[hair clipper buzzing]
[clucking]
TAKE THIS,
LEONARD PARKER!
[firing]
[grunts]
(Medusa)
HE'S ESCAPED.
YOU TWO, FOLLOW ME.
[birds chirping]
SHH!
ANYONE COME BY HERE?
NO.
THANKS.
[beeping]
[buzzing]
A QUEEN BEE.
DRONES.
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, LADY,
YOU GET IN THERE
AND SHOW 'EM YOUR GARTER.
SCRAM!
[bees buzzing]
AHH!
[bees buzzing]
DON'T MIND IF I LOOK,
DO YOU?
BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ.
LEAD THEM AWAY,
LITTLE LADY.
BEES! GET OFF!
DON'T MIND ME.
YOU GUYS KEEP DANCING.
[man groaning]
[groaning]
ANYTHING BUT
THE BOOMERANG KNIFE.
[grunts]
[grunts]
WHATEVER YOU DO, SON,
DON'T FALL ON THAT.
THE SPHERE'S GONE.
[groaning]
[screaming]
[car approaching]
[tires screeching]
I'M OUT OF SHAPE.
NURSE CARVALHO
CAME THROUGH, THOUGH.
SNYDERBURN HAS
HIS PRECIOUS SPHERE.
SIR, YOU'RE BLEEDING!
CAUGHT A BULLET.
PREPARE FOR SURGERY.
SIR.
[groaning]
SCALPEL.
SCALPEL.
CLAMP.
CLAMP.
[grunting]
BELT.
BELT.
THE OTHER BELT.
OTHER BELT.
UH, YEAH.
[popping]
(Frayn)
THE ADMINISTERING
OF THE ANESTHETIC
HAD TO BE PRECISE.
IT WAS SCIENTIFICALLY
CONTROLLED SO THAT THE NERVE
ENDS WERE DEADENED
WHILE MR. PARKER REMAINED
CLEAR-HEADED AND CLINICAL
WITH RAZOR-SHARP REFLEXES.
HE PERFECTED IT
TO A FINE ART.
MEROSTEROPIN.
PARDON, SIR?
MEROSTEROPIN!
OH! UH, YOU'VE GOT IT.
[laughing]
[sighs]
[sobbing]
DAD, ARE YOU
IN THERE?
WHO IS IT?
(Joan)
YOU'RE COMING TONIGHT,
AREN'T YOU?
TONIGHT?
DADDY, YOU PROMISED,
AND TONIGHT'S
MY OPENING NIGHT.
(Joan)
THE CRITICS CAME
TO LAST NIGHT'S PREVIEW,
AND THEY THOUGHT
THE SHOW WAS SIMPLY TERRIFIC.
THE REVIEWS
WERE FANTASTIC. LOOK.
GO GET IT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
DADDY?
(Leonard)
IT'S, UH, UH, BEAUTIFUL,
DEAR. GREAT!
DADDY, YOU'RE NOT
READING THEM. I CAN TELL.
(Leonard)
YEAH, YEAH.
(Joan)
LET ME HEAR YOU.
[Leonard groaning]
DAD?
DAD?
AH!
ALONE AMONG THE ACTORS
ON STAGE,
REZAZI BENZUR SHAHEED--
OH, GOD!
PARKER GIVES
A SOULFUL, SHATTERING...
[Leonard groaning]
GUT WRENCHIN'...
[groaning]
PERFORMANCE.
YOU OK, DADDY?
(Leonard)
YEAH.
I'M TAKIN' A SHOWER.
THE WATER'S HOT.
OK, DAD.
GOT IT.
PLATINUM, SIR.
THE OFFENSIVE
WILL BEGIN ON SCHEDULE.
HOW?
HE STOLE THE SPHERE.
AND TONIGHT,
HE WILL RETURN IT.
[snickers]
GOOD EVENING, AUNTS.
THIS IS RACHEL,
THE WOMAN I WANT TO SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH,
WHAT LITTLE OF IT
THERE IS LEFT.
COME ALONG, HYLAH JANE.
[snoring]
WE MUST LEAVE
THESE 2 NUBILES ALONE.
(Hylah Jane)
HURRY, GERTA, HURRY.
HEPATITIS,
TERRIBLY CONTAGIOUS.
(Joan)
SO THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE GONE
AND CAUGHT YOUR DEADLY
AND INSISTENT HEPATITIS.
SEEIN' YOU HERE
WITH YOUR FAMILY
AND THE WOODED PLANKS
OF YOUR EVERGREEN CHILDHOOD,
I'M FORCED TO PICTURE YOU
AS A LITTLE BOY,
THE MAN AND POET
I LOVE.
I SEE YOU
AS I LOVE TO SEE YOU,
WITH YOUR BRAWNY HAIR
ACROSS YOUR WEARY BROW,
AND MY ARM A-CLING
TO YOUR FEVERED,
SWAMPY CHEST.
(Joan)
MY LOVE, MY SINFUL LUST,
MY UNKEPT LIFE,
YOUR NEVER-ENDING SONG.
OH, JAMIE, I CRAVE YOU.
I CRAVE YOU AS I SEE YOU
EACH MORN OF OUR FOND,
ILLICIT LOVE.
[audience applauding]
[man whistling]
[inaudible]
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
[people chattering]
[people laughing]
(man)
WELL, IT'S OK, YOU KNOW.
NOT ONLY THAT,
BUT MY PARENTS ARE HERE.
YOU KNOW, JOAN,
IT WAS MORE THAN THAT
YOU HAD YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
YOU WERE SPIRITUALLY
NAKED OUT THERE TONIGHT.
(Joan)
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
DADDY.
(Joan)
EVERYBODY,
THESE ARE MY PARENTS,
MR. AND MRS. PARKER.
I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO SAY HELLO.
HI.
HI.
DID YOU LIKE IT?
WHAT DID YOU THINK?
[people chattering]
WELL, IT WAS DIFFERENT.
PARKER,
YOU WERE MARVELOUS TONIGHT!
(Joan)
OH!
MAY I SEE YOU OUTSIDE
FOR A WHILE, PLEASE?
OF COURSE, LEONARD.
(Joan)
BYE, DAD.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH HIM?
I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S JUST THAT...
OH! WHAT A GREAT FUTURE.
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
LEONARD, I KNOW.
THE 2ND ACT
DOESN'T QUITE WORK.
I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT--
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!
EVEN SHE CAN'T HELP
THAT 2ND ACT.
I'M NOT TALKIN'
ABOUT SAVIN' THE 2ND ACT!
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
SAVIN' YOUR LIFE!
(Joan)
GIORGIO!
CIAO.
[bumping]
LEONARD, LEONARD,
WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THERE
AND TALK TO JOAN RIGHT NOW?
PLEASE, DEAR, PLEASE
DON'T ASK ME TO TALK,
ESPECIALLY TO HER.
PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT. I WILL.
[thumping]
(Frayn)
WHEN YOU'VE SURVIVED
VICIOUS VEGETARIANS
AND TAKEN A BULLET
FROM YOUR SHOULDER,
YOU DON'T NEED
YOUR DAUGHTER
FLAUNTING HER FULL
FRONTAL CHARMS
TO AN AUDIENCE OF STRANGERS.
IT WAS TIME TO ASSERT
HIS PARENTAL AUTHORITY.
[mumbling]
THEY'VE GOT MOM!
A WEIRD GUY WITH RED HAIR
TOOK HER AWAY.
[Joan sobbing]
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL GET HER BACK.
THEY GOT MRS. PARKER.
WE GOT TO GET THE SPHERE.
PUT THE FOOT TO THE GAS.
THERE'S GOT TO BE A SIMPLE WAY
TO MAKE THIS THING WORK.
I NEED THAT SPHERE.
ONE COULD RULE THE WORLD
WITH THIS THING.
[beeping]
IT ISN'T ENOUGH
WE HAVE TO STOP HER
FROM CONTROLLING
THE ANIMALS.
HE WANTS TO
CONTROL THE ANIMALS.
IT'S NOT ON, SIR.
NO.
I KNEW WE WOULD
NEVER GET THIS TO WORK.
HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING, TEAM?
LEONARD, WE CAN'T STILL
FIGURE OUT HOW
TO GET THIS THING TO WORK.
OH, REALLY?
THE RED LIQUID
NEUTRALIZES THE ANIMAL'S
PARASYMPATHETIC SYSTEM,
LEAVING THE BRAIN PAN FLACCID
AND OPEN TO ENCRYPTION,
BUT THE PUZZLE IS
HOW DID THIS WOMAN
ACTIVATE THEM?
(Leonard)
MAYBE YOU HAVE
THE WRONG RABBIT.
I KNEW WE GOT
THE WRONG RABBIT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
FRAYN?
UH-HUH.
(Leonard)
MAYBE IT'S THIS ONE.
COME HERE, FELLA.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
UH, YOU ALL STEP
OVER THERE.
NOW STEP OVER THERE.
AND LET'S SEE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE.
NOW, DID YOU GIVE IT
THE LIQUID?
(Jack)
SURE.
AND IT'S ALL
ACTIVATED THERE?
WELL, I THINK THE ONLY THING
MISSING HERE
IS TO SAY THE WORD
QUELISH!
[all screaming]
NOW, LET'S SEE MEDUSA
AND GET BACK MRS. PARKER.
[groaning]
[beeping]
OPEN THAT THING UP.
IN HERE, SIR?
SHE MUST BE PLANNING
TO DILUTE THAT CONCENTRATION
AND PUMP IT INTO
THE ENTIRE BAY AREA.
LOOKS LIKE
DISHWASHING LIQUID.
[beeping continues]
[car engine revving]
[tires screeching]
A PERFECT MATCH, SIR.
[horn honks]
[tires screeching]
(man on T.V.)
WATCH OUT!
BANDIT ON YOUR 6!
HE'S CLOSING FAST!
[honking]
[tires screeching]
THEY KIDNAPPED MY WIFE.
THIS--THIS WOMAN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[car honking]
[tires screeching]
[nurse chanting]
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT IS IT?
[chanting]
WHAT IS IT?
GO, GO AHEAD.
I TRUST YOU.
[horns honking]
[tires screeching]
[gibbering]
OH!
[speaking foreign language]
BUTTER?
[speaking foreign language]
MEAT PATTIES?
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
LET THEM THAW.
LET THEM THAW.
LET THEM THAW.
[tires screeching]
OOH! OOH!
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
[tires screeching]
AH! FRAYN.
ARRIVEDERCI.
OH, FRAYNIE.
I GOT YOUR BALL,
NOW LET ME IN.
[whooshing]
[screeches]
[beeping]
[screeching]
WELCOME BACK, LEONARD.
MAY I HAVE
MY WIFE BACK, PLEASE?
(Medusa)
NOT SO FAST. THE SPHERE.
[beeping]
WHERE IS SHE?
I WANT MY WIFE BACK.
(Medusa)
WHATEVER YOU SAY,
LEONARD PARKER.
(Allison)
LEONARD!
(Leonard)
ALLISON!
WHERE IS SHE?
(Allison)
LEONARD!
(Allison)
LEONARD!
IT'S A SIMPLE HOLOGRAM.
I WANT MY WIFE BACK!
SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW,
LEONARD?
YOU TOLD ME IF
I BROUGHT YOU THE SPHERE,
YOU'D GIVE ME
MY WIFE BACK!
(Medusa)
I LIED.
THE COUPLE
THAT SPIES TOGETHER,
[guns cocking]
DIES TOGETHER.
MY WIFE IS NO SPY!
I NEEDED A RHYME.
QUIET!
[beeping]
SO YOU THOUGHT
YOU COULD FOOL
MEDUSA JOHNSON
BY PUTTING DISHWASHING
LIQUID INTO MY SPHERE.
SO?
SO THAT WAS WHAT WAS IN IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU RESTAURANT SPAZ.
IT'S NOT THE LIQUID
THAT MAKES THE MAGIC.
IT'S THE MOLYBDENUM
CHROMIUM CATALYST.
I COULD PUT YOO-HOO
IN THIS THING,
AND IT WOULD WORK.
AND YOU CALL YOURSELF
A COLLEGE GRADUATE.
TAKE HIM TO ANNEX 3.
KILL HIM.
[belching]
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN,
LEONARD.
PAY ATTENTION TO
YOUR LAST MOMENTS ON EARTH.
THIS, I HOPE,
WILL BE THE DARKEST NIGHT
OF YOUR CRIMINALLY
INSENSITIVE EXISTENCE.
HI.
HANDS OFF!
[sheep bleating]
(Leonard)
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THESE ANIMALS?
I HAVE DONE
THE UNTHINKABLE.
TOLD THE ANIMALS
THE TRUTH,
THAT THEY HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED
AND TORMENTED BY MAN
FOR 2 MILLION YEARS.
IN LESS THAN 15 MINUTES,
I WILL SWITCH ON
THESE DISTRIBUTION PUMPS.
THE CONTENTS
OF THE VATS UPSTAIRS
WILL FLOW INTO
EVERY SINGLE WATERWAY
IN THE BAY AREA.
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
WILL BE LIBERATED,
AND THE WORLD
WILL SHUDDER.
(Leonard)
WHO'S PAYING FOR ALL THIS?
I DIDN'T HAVE BACKING
FROM ANY GOVERNMENTS
OR BIG BUSINESSES.
NO. THEY ALL THOUGHT
I WAS INSANE.
I DID IT ALL MYSELF.
A SELF-MADE WOMAN.
ALL I HAD TO START UP WITH
WAS POOR ANDY'S
DISABILITY INSURANCE,
BUT IT WAS ENOUGH.
NOW, MARCH.
LEONARD!
DARLING,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
W-WHAT'S GOING ON?
(Leonard)
KEEP ME, BUT RELEASE HER.
SHE'S INNOCENT.
NO ONE RELATED TO YOU
IS INNOCENT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?
KILL HIM.
YOU'RE RIGHT,
AS ALWAYS, ANDY.
GOOD-BYE, LEONARD.
AND TACKY-TACKY WIFEY.
THE OFFENSIVE
WILL START IMMEDIATELY.
[Medusa laughing]
DID YOU POUR
THAT FOOD ON ME
BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME
OR HATE ME?
DID YOU POUR
THAT FOOD ON ME
BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME
OR HATE ME?
BOTH.
[squealing]
LEONARD.
WHAT'S THAT?
[Allison screaming]
WHERE'S YOUR
RUBBER BANDS, FELLAS?
[beeping]
IN 5 MINUTES
AND 32 SECONDS,
ALL OF NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
WILL BE OURS.
[laughing]
NOT OURS. MINE!
RIGHT.
PIEDMONT?
(Jack)
OPERATIONAL!
OAKLAND?
ON LINE!
SAN JOSE?
STANDING BY.
BERKELEY?
READY TO GO.
FEED ME.
[Allison screaming]
GET OFF! GET OFF!
SHOO! SHOO!
(Leonard)
GET OUT OF HERE.
(Leonard)
HEY! GET!
[blowing]
(Allison)
LEONARD! LEONARD!
THERE ARE MORE COMING!
(Allison)
LEONARD, PLEASE! WELL,
DO SOMETHING, LEONARD!
[Allison screaming]
(Allison)
LEONARD!
(Leonard)
BITE! BITE!
LEONARD!
GET THEM OFF!
LEONARD!
[screaming]
CUT THE WIRE!
CUT IT!
LEONARD!
THERE ARE MORE COMING!
WHAT'S THAT,
LEONARD?
MELTED BUTTER.
MELTED BUTTER?
MELTED BUTTER.
YES, MELTED BUTTER!
AND IF YOU DON'T
CUT THE WIRES,
I'M GOING TO THERMIDOR YOU.
MELTED BUTTER! PULL!
MELTED BUTTER! PULL!
GET BACK! GET BACK!
BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
MELTED BUTTER!
ARMADILLOS
AWAITING ACTIVATION.
RATS MASSING
IN DOWNTOWN SEWER.
PUMP 3.
(Medusa)
GENERATOR 2.
(Leonard)
COME ON, HONEY.
COME ON!
[groaning]
NOW LET'S GO HOME.
COME ON.
NOW WE GOT TO FIND
WHICH WAY'S OUT OF HERE.
BUT SURELY YOU'VE GOT TO
GET THAT SPHERE.
NO, I DON'T, EITHER.
LEONARD PARKER!
IF YOU DON'T GET THE SPHERE
AND SAVE THE WORLD
AND STOP MEDUSA,
YOU CAN FORGET
ABOUT EVER SEEING ME AGAIN.
IF I SAVE THE WORLD,
WILL YOU MOVE BACK IN WITH ME?
YOU SAVE THE WORLD
AND I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT!
LET'S GO SAVE THE WORLD.
[beeping]
(man)
COUNTDOWN CONTINUES.
ALL PERSONNEL
TO THEIR STATIONS.
ALL PERSONNEL
TO THEIR STATIONS.
UNBELIEVABLE!
CATERPILLARS ON THE MARCH
IN SACRAMENTO.
POSSUMS IN PIEDMONT
AWAITING ORDERS.
MOVE IT!
QUELISH COUNTDOWN CONTINUES.
[neighing]
[grunting]
(man)
BIRDS ALOFT AND TRACKING.
0127. NUMBER 12 PRESSURING.
QUELISH IN 20 SECONDS.
(man)
5 SECONDS NOW.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
IN THE SPY BUSINESS,
YOU GOT TO LEARN TO GET
READY A BIT QUICKER.
[horse neighs]
(Leonard)
COME ON, ALLISON!
(man)
16, 15...
BANANA ME.
...13, 12, 11...
QUELISH
IN 10 SECONDS.
9, 8, 7,
6, 5,
QUELISH, 3,
QUELISH, 2,
[crashing]
[grunting]
EMERGENCY PROCEDURE.
RELEASE PUMP 5!
RELEASE PUMP 5!
KILL HIM,
MY BEAUTIFUL VEGETARIANS.
[grunting]
KILL HIM!
AND YOU,
YOU GIVE ME MY SPHERE!
SPHERE!
AH!
GO FREE THE ANIMALS.
(man)
STOP HER! GET HER!
"NO MEAT."
HA!
MEAT!
(all)
MEAT!
100 PERCENT PURE BEEF!
(all)
BEEF!
PORK.
[grunts]
HA!
[man groaning]
MORE LOVELY MEAT?
[sheep bleating]
[dogs barking]
[pigs snorting]
[droning]
[quacking]
[croaking]
[cows mooing]
[horses neighing]
[twittering]
NO! DON'T BURGER ME!
[grunting]
I'M NOT AFRAID OF
A LITTLE MEAT.
[beeping]
[laughing]
[explosion]
NO MORE MEAT!
MEAT! MEAT!
MEAT!
[explosion]
[people shouting]
[neighing]
[dogs barking]
[whimpering]
[cows mooing]
[beeping]
[machine gun firing]
DEATH TO ALL MANKIND.
[beeping]
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED
DRINKING ALL THAT,
YOU'LL DEFINITELY NEED
A COUPLE OF THESE.
[bubbling]
[people screaming]
[people screaming]
[explosion]
[screaming]
[horses neighing]
MOTHER!
MOM!
(Allison)
YES, SWEETHEART.
WHERE'S DADDY?
[explosion]
[squawks]
COME ON, BOY.
WE'RE TOGETHER.
[people clamoring]
PLEASE STAND BACK.
THIS BUILDING'S
GOING TO BLOW.
[siren wailing]
BYE-BYE.
GET RID OF THIS,
WILL YOU?
YOU'LL NEVER WORK
IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS
ON WHAT MY WIFE
AND DAUGHTER HAVE TO SAY.
WE'RE GOING HOME.
[people chattering]
[people clapping]
(Frayn)
THAT WAS THE END OF THE STORY,
APART FROM AN ISOLATED
INCIDENT IN OREGON
WHEN A LUMBERJACK
WAS BRUTALLY ASSAULTED
BY A MALICIOUS MOLE.
MR. PARKER'S DAUGHTER
HAPPILY LEFT THE THEATRE
AND IS NOW WITH GREENPEACE
PICKETING TOXIC WASTE DUMPS.
MR. AND MRS. PARKER
CELEBRATED
THEIR RECONCILIATION
IN A MOST APPROPRIATE FASHION.
I LOVE YOU.
TONIGHT?
TONIGHT.
LET'S EAT.
LET'S EAT.
LET'S EAT!
MMM.
NO, NO.
TONIGHT MRS. PARKER
WILL SERVE HER HUSBAND SUPPER.
(waiter)
AS YOU WISH, MONSIEUR.
DO IT.
[chuckling]
? YEAH, YEAH
? WHOA
[laughing]
? LIVING AGAINST THE GRAIN
? TWO HEARTS
SHARING ONE PAIN
? BUT THANKS TO LOVE
WE GOT BY
? I COULDN'T LET
MY FEELINGS SHOW
? COULDN'T LET YOU EVER KNOW
? THAT THE END
THAT SEEMED SO REAL
? WAS JUST A LIE
? ALL THE THINGS
I DID FOR LOVE
? HAVE TURNED OUT SO WRONG
? NO MATTER WHAT I TRY
? NOW JUST MAGNIFIES THE LIE
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? I'D BE SO LOST WITHOUT YOU
[laughing]
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? SO GLAD WE FOUND
OUT IN TIME
? TRUE LOVE IS HARD TO FIND
? THIS TIME WE'RE GONNA
GET IT RIGHT
? WE'RE HOLDING ON TIGHT
? I WON'T BE MISLED AGAIN
? THIS TIME THE GOOD GUYS
ARE GONNA WIN
? OUR LOVE COMES
SO NATURALLY
? WE WERE MEANT TO BE
? PRETENDING NOT TO CARE
? WAS THE HARDEST
THING TO FAKE
? AND BEING
WITHOUT YOUR LOVE
? IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? I'D BE SO LOST WITHOUT YOU
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? NOBODY THOUGHT
WE COULD MAKE IT, NO
? THEY DIDN'T THINK
? OUR LOVE WOULD HAVE
THE STRENGTH TO TAKE IT
? OH, NO, OH
? THE LESSON'S BEEN
HARD TO LEARN
? BUT WE PASSED EVERY TEST
? AFTER ALL
THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
? OUR LOVE IS STILL
STANDING, BABY
? OUR LOVE IS STILL STANDING
? YES, IT'S STILL
STANDING UP
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? I'D BE SO LOST WITHOUT YOU
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? OH, YES
? I JUST CAN'T LIVE, NO
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? NO ME WITHOUT YOU, BABY
? I'D BE SO LOST
? I'D BE SO LOST
? OH, OH, YEAH
? I NEED MY ARMS AROUND YOU
? JUST CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE
WITHOUT YOU, BABY
? JUST CAN'T LIVE
? NO
? NO
? WITHOUT YOU, NO
? HOLD ON TIGHT
? HOLD ON TIGHT
? CAN'T LIVE
? CAN'T LIVE
? OH, NO, BABY
? BABY
? I MISS YOU, BABY
? WHOA, WHOA
? THERE'S JUST NO ME
? WITHOUT YOU, BABY
? I NEED MY
? WHOA, ARMS AROUND YOU
? I REALLY NEED YOU
? I'VE BEEN
MISSING YOU, BABY
? CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU
? WITHOUT YOU ?