Lazy Susan (2020) - full transcript

Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey...

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey...

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey, baby, wake...

- Hey, baby, wake up.
- No, ugh.

♪ Hey there Georgy girl ♪

♪ Swinging down the street
so fancy free ♪

♪ Nobody you meet could ever
see the loneliness there ♪

♪ Inside you ♪



♪ Hey there Georgy girl ♪

♪ Why do all the boys
just pass you by ♪

♪ Could it be
you just don't try ♪

♪ Or is it
the clothes you wear ♪

♪ You're always
window shopping ♪

♪ But never stopping to buy ♪

♪ So shed those
downy feathers ♪

♪ And fly a little bit ♪

♪ Hey there Georgy girl ♪

♪ There's another Georgy
deep inside ♪

♪ Bring out all the love
you hide ♪

♪ And oh what a change
there'd be ♪

♪ The world would see
a new Georgy girl ♪

♪ Hey there Georgy girl ♪



♪ Dreaming of
the someone you could be ♪

♪ Life is a reality ♪

♪ You can't always run away ♪

♪ Don't be so
scared of changing ♪

♪ And rearranging yourself ♪

♪ It's time for jumping ♪

♪ Down from the shelf ♪

♪ A little bit ♪

♪ Hey there Georgy girl ♪

♪ There's another Georgy
deep inside ♪

♪ Bring out all the love
you hide ♪

♪ And oh what a change
there'd be ♪

♪ The world would see ♪

♪ A new Georgy girl ♪

♪ Hey there Georgy girl ♪

♪ Wake up Georgy g... ♪

So Ashley,
tell us about this.

You were in the parking lot

in broad daylight
at the grocery store,

and you get kidnapped,
and then you're held

for several days
against your will

out in this old barn.

What is going
through your mind

while you're in captivity?

I just told myself
that I would survive

and that there was no way
I was giving my life

or my power over to this man.

Wow, that's amazing.

Now, I understand part
of this survival story

is connected
to a guitar pick?

Yes. I had a guitar pick
in my pocket

because I was taking
guitar lessons at the time.

I love the guitar.

And I waited for
an opportunity

for Andy to nod off,
and when he did,

I used the pick
to cut through the ropes

that he had tied
my hands and feet with,

and then
I just ran like hell.

Wow, and I see you actually
brought the guitar.

Yeah, do you want to...
do you want to hear a song?

No. No, no, no, no,

but I want to thank you
so much for coming,

and I hope you'll come back
with that guitar and the pick.

- Oh, crap.
- ...and tell us...

And welcome back.
This is DJ Coyote Carl.

On KRPP,
spinning on the nines,

bringing you
all of today's hits

and the freshest of sounds

that your Midwestern
ears can handle.

Nice.

You throw like a girl.

What do you mean,
throw like a girl?

That was a swish.

Bathsheba,
we talked about this.

Mind your manners.

Not so bad yourself,
Bathsheba.

Want to play
cornhole toss, Susan?

I'm super busy right now,
Laney.

I don't have time
to toss anything,

but your bird is pretty.

Hey, Susan, you want
to hear a joke?

No, Leon, I-I don't.

I can't, I'm...

I'm late for work.

Oh, where are
you working now?

Hmm?
Uh, at a florist.

Kind of all-around, you know,

party planning
and doing mergers,

you know, things like that.

I like your black...
I mean your bike.

I know that that's a bike,

and I know that
you are a black person.

Um, I should bounce.
I'm gonna bounce.

♪ Once or twice
you made it easy ♪

♪ Here we are
all over again ♪

♪ Telling lies
it completes you ♪

Hello?

Hey, it's Cameron.

What do you want, a medal?

- You're such a bitch.
- Don't worry about it.

Did you get Mom
a birthday present?

Not yet.

Well, her birthday
is on Monday.

What are you gonna get her?

Why don't you just put
my name on your gift?

- No.
- Why not?

What do you mean, why not?

Why not just put my name
on your gift

like you did last year
with the comforter set?

I don't want to do it
this year.

Why not?

Just get her
a fucking present.

She'd really appreciate
something from you.

- Like she'd care.
- Oh, you two are impossible.

She wants those stackable
bowls in different colors.

- Get her those.
- Where do you even get...

Figure it out.

I've got seven EKGs to run
in the next 60 minutes,

which is mathematically
impossible.

- Yeah, well, I have eight.
- Eight what?

- Don't worry about it.
- Fuck...

Moron.

♪ But I left you long ago ♪

Look at those.

What am I looking at?

Those cowboy boots.

Don't you love
those cowboy boots?

Oh, yeah,
those are good boots.

I just feel like if I had
a pair of cowboy boots,

I'd be like... I don't know,
I'd be like, "Yes," you know?

Everything...

Well, that's
'cause boots like that,

you can dress them up,
super fancy.

You can dress them down,
super caj.

That's the magic.

- Exactly.
- Right?

How much do you think
they cost?

I don't know, those are,
like, $100, maybe more.

Hey, ladies.

Hey.

What's with the duct tape?

Ah, it's kinesiology tape.

I busted up my shoulder
doing a keg toss in college,

but it was for charity, so it's
kind of a badge of honor.

You almost done with that?

Yeah.
Did you want some?

Ah. The bike.

Oh, yeah, I'm just...

Oh.

Ugh.
Whew, that was intense.

You got a good final burn
in there, huh?

Yeah, thanks.
Well, good luck.

Sweet, thanks.

Hey, I think he likes you.

- The duct tape guy?
- Yeah.

- He doesn't even know my name.
- Did you see him wink at you?

He totally winked.

Corrin, he was blinking.

Mm.

Ahhh!

What the fuck, Mom?

You scared the shit
out of me!

Your scream could
break glass!

I mean, who walks
into somebody's house

and just starts eating chips?

It's my house too.
I grew up here, remember?

Would you get
the humidifier down

from the hallway closet for me?

- Why can't you do it yourself?
- 'Cause I'm 66 and fucked.

Okay, can I have
some money, then?

For getting
the humidifier down?

No, rent is due
on the first,

and my unemployment check
doesn't come until the eighth.

Of course.

Oh, that's the same look
your father gave me

right before he left us
for that lady dentist.

Then he went and died,

as if that was supposed
to make up for it.

- Ugh, here we go.
- You know what's funny?

You're the one who made
the dentist appointment?

Well, what else was
I supposed to do?

His breath was so bad,
it was like he had an asshole

where his mouth
was supposed to be.

If I'd been willing
to kiss a little ass,

he'd probably still be around.

Oh, did I tell you
what Meredith said?

Who's Meredith?

The woman who cuts
the chicken at the Jewel-Osco.

You need to shave
your legs, Susan.

She heard me say that my son
was a physician's assistant.

Who were you
telling that to?

Oh, I don't know,
someone else in line.

Wait, what?
Someone in line?

So you just tell people
you're standing next to in line

that your son Cameron's
a physician's assistant?

I don't remember.

Anyway, Meredith said,

"If he's a physician's
assistant,

"he must be a genius
because physicians assistants

"are even better
than doctors these days

'cause they can't get sued
for malpractice."

I'm pretty sure he's just
too stupid to be a doctor.

Cameron says...

that the reason
I still have this cough

is 'cause it's
too dry in here.

She asked me
about my daughter.

- Who did?
- Meredith.

Who?

I told her
you just lost your job.

- Who?
- You did.

- Did what?
- You lost your job.

- What?
- You lost your job!

'Cause the flower company
went out of business!

Cameron just sent me flowers
from there two weeks ago.

Well, my department
went out of business.

I thought you were
in delivery!

I was in, uh, rose nutrition.
Where's your purse?

On the kitchen table.

I expect you pay me back
this time!

Oh.

Why'd you turn
the humidifier off?

The yelling was
making me nauseous.

I'll plug it back in
when I leave.

Uh-huh.

There you go.

Your father could never
keep a job either.

You want some tea?

I'll see you for
your birthday on Monday.

You know,
if it was up to me,

I wouldn't celebrate
my birthday,

but Cameron says it's
important to celebrate me.

- Bye, Mom.
- What?

♪ Hey ♪

Attention,
Kmart shoppers,

have you tried
our online shopping?

If your shopping list won't
fit into your to-do list...

Hey, Susan.

Hey, Velvet.
You look tired.

I was in Cancun
on my annual girls' trip

with a few
of my old sorority sisters.

That's why you're
so tan and tired.

It was a blast,

and they just made me employee
of the month yesterday,

so I'm getting a lot of calls.

Yeah, um,
I'm employee of the month

at the flower shop
I work at, so...

And I got a $50 bonus.

I get free tulips for a year.

Awesome.
I love tulips.

It's mine
and my boyfriend's flower.

We say it means love
without pressure.

Awesome.

My phone's blowing up, so...

Yeah, I should probably
check mine.

I'm waiting for a call
from Jackie Minns.

Jackie Minns who lived
across the street from you?

- You're still friends with her?
- She colors my hair.

Cool.

I think I'll take them.

- What?
- The boots.

These?
You should.

Boots make your legs
look super long.

- They're not cheap.
- 104, right?

Plus 5.77% tax,
brings the total to 110 even.

Maybe.

Scooters are usually reserved
for disabled customers.

I know, it's not like I was
riding it around or anything.

So these... these aren't
your stackable bowls?

- Nope.
- Cool.

What size are you?

- I'm a nine.
- I'm an eight.

Andy...

Boil your own
damn potatoes then.

Nah, nah, nah,
I'm out of here.

Make your own damn potatoes.

Cameron.

Who is Mommy's
favorite little boy?

- Guys, guys, guys.
- Susan...

Susan come here.
Mary...

- Got one.
- Don't stop taping.

- What is pi, Susan?
- Dad!

What is pi?

Pi is the ratio
of a circle's circumference

to its diameter.

Regardless of the size
of the circle,

pi's always the same
number, 3.141592653589.

- Mary, did you get that?
- I got it.

I sure don't know
where you get your brains.

Oh, I hope
there's a job out there

for a flute blower
who can dance.

Look, Mommy.
I'm drawing a rainbow.

"Your beauty should not come
from outward adornments,

"such as braided hair or
gold jewelry or fine clothes,

"but from the inner disposition
of your heart,

"the unfading beauty
of a gentle and quiet spirit,

which is precious
in God's sight."

Peter 3:3-4.

- Yay.
- Yay!

- Yes, love that.
- Happy birthday, Grandma.

Oh, my goodness.
I wonder what this could be.

- We made it from a book.
- Oh, will you look at that?

It's a paper hedgehog.

And those
are fashion drawings.

Oh.
Oh, how gorgeous.

Will you make me a dress
like that to wear to church?

- You're so talented, Jenika.
- You are too, Aunt Susan.

For two weeks she got
her homework done early

so she could finish
her presents for Grandma.

That is so sweet.

Can I get you some more cake,
Mary, or some orange juice?

- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

Are you feeling okay?
You want me to rub your back?

She's fine, Wendy.

- Here, Mom.
- Oh.

- Open my gift, okay?
- Oh, look at that.

Another art project.

Look.

- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.

You know, if you're not gonna
give me a grandbaby,

I think this is
the next best thing,

one of these art projects.

All right, one more gift.

So this is from
the three of us.

I decorated the envelope.

Jenika decorated
the envelope.

We wanted to do something
extra special

for you this year, Mom.

Why, 'cause I'm so old?

Oh, it is a privilege
to age, Mary.

She doesn't
like it that hard.

So we're all
going on a trip.

- What? Toronto?
- Niagara Falls.

We're taking you
to Niagara Falls.

Ohh!

Leave it to Cameron.

Niagara Falls is
on my vision board.

You know, the deaf woman
at Walgreens,

she says you can't
even look at the falls

without getting soaked.

You have to wear raincoats.

That's right.
We saw that on the website.

I did an oral report on
the falls in the third grade.

Yeah, I bet you didn't know
that the first person

to go over the falls
in a barrel

was 63-year-old schoolteacher
Annie Edson Taylor,

and despite myths
to the contrary,

it does not freeze
in the winter.

- I do know that.
- Yeah?

Hmm.

You're not going.

You said...

you said we're all
going on a trip.

All of us, not you.

You know, I'm going back
to Weight Watchers

because I just saw on the news
that a woman was suing Delta

'cause her fat got stuck
between two seats.

Nonsense, Mary.

You're in terrific shape
for a woman your age.

Can't Aunt Susan
come too, Daddy?

No, we're not gonna
take Susan.

- Not this time, honey.
- Ugh!

I don't know
what's going on right now.

I'm not financing you.

If you can pay
for your own airline ticket

and buy a hotel room,

then yeah,
you can come with us.

That's everything.

Then I'm just paying
for my own trip.

That's right.
That's how it works.

Mom, can I
borrow some money?

No, she's not giving you
any more money,

and you're not putting
your name

on any more of my gifts,

and none of us are giving you
any more free rides.

This is Mom's birthday,
and you're ruining it.

Why are you doing this?

Yeah, it's Mom's birthday.

Stop asking her for money.

What I think Cameron
is trying to say, Susan, is...

and don't take
this personally,

but we've all worked
pretty hard for what we have,

and I think what Cameron
is feeling

is it's time
to end this pattern.

Nobody talks like that,
Wendy.

Mom.

- Mom.
- Mom.

- Mom, tell her.
- Mom.

We talked about this.

You need to get a job, Susan.

You need to get a job.

I had a job
at the flower shop,

but it went out of business.

We were just there.
It's still open.

My department went
out of business.

Jenika, go get your iPad.

What about your job
at the carpet store?

It was dangerous.

- What? How?
- Don't worry about it.

Okay, and the movie theater?

If you have a point, Cameron,

you better think long and hard
about making it.

I thought you were going
back to school online.

I thought that was
such a positive move.

I was. I am.

I...

I've forgotten my password.

I can help you, Aunt Susan.
I'm good at computers.

Thanks, Jensy.
I... I would really like that.

Well, you're gonna have
to figure something out

'cause Mom's
not gonna be around

to take care
of you forever.

You should be taking care
of her by now,

not the other way around.

She doesn't need
taking care of.

Oh, yeah?

Her blood pressure's
through the roof,

she eats like shit,
she's still smoking,

and both Pop-Pop and Nan
died of heart attacks

before they turned 70.

Why do you think we're taking
her to Niagara Falls?

We're trying to do
something special for her

while there's still time.

Is Grandma gonna die?

Not today, honey.

I'm gonna
clean these plates.

Don't want to leave
a dirty house

in case I don't wake up
in the morning.

- Mommy, I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't call me Mommy!

We'll help you, Mary.

He didn't mean that
like it sounded.

Jenika, come on,
let's go help Grandma

clean up in the kitchen.

- Fucking...
- Fucking moron.

Fuck you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you guys, that's too fast.

Andy, Kyle, listen.
You never listen.

Jesus, I'm gonna barf.
Stop it.

Go find your sister
and push her on the thing.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Sometimes I wish my family died
in a house fire, you know?

Over Christmas,
caused by a short

in a strand of lights
on the Christmas tree.

Yeah, but they don't make
those kind of lights anymore.

And they all died
of smoke inhalation.

- It's not safe.
- Except for me, you know?

I toddled out of the house
with a Barbie doll in my hand

and a ponytail
on top of my head.

I was a Christmas miracle,

and then everyone
in the country

put money in a fund
for poor baby Susan.

- Wouldn't that be great?
- Yeah.

You know, if people asked
what I did for a living,

I would just point
to my scars, you know,

and just say,
"This is what I do."

"Oh."

Then we could have
written a song.

We could have called it
"Baby Susan," right?

- "Baby Susan."
- We could sell it on iTunes.

Why don't we have
a record deal?

It's like, you turn on the TV,
it's like, "American Idol,"

it's like, "The Voice,"

it's just like they're
giving away record deals.

Well, wait a sec,

'cause I was listening
to the radio today.

- Coyote Carl?
- Yeah.

I'd love to give
that DJ a BJ.

- I would love that.
- Oh, my God.

Anyway, he said that there
was this talent show coming up

and some kind of contest.

- Are you effing serious?
- Yeah.

- Why didn't you tell me that?
- I am telling you.

This could change my life.

We could win a lot of money,
I bet.

I need money so badly,
Corrin, like, yesterday.

You know, I saw at the DMV
that they were hiring

a labor relations manager.

Why don't you apply
for that job?

Really?
Does...

Oh, you probably need to know
what that is.

I don't know what it is.

You probably also need
a clean driving record.

My car is cleaner
than my driving record.

I'll take you.
I mean, I'll take you

to sign up and to apply
and to find out what it is.

- No, that's okay.
- You wanna?

No, I'm just gonna keep
spinning for a while.

Where's Vivi?
Boys, where is Vivi?

Vivi?

Oh, there you are.
What do you have?

- A stick.
- Oh, thanks, honey.

That means
she has to go make.

- Make what?
- She has to make number two.

I never should have
taken her out of diapers.

- Hello?
- Susan, it's Doug.

Hey, Doug.

Listen, I dropped off rent
a few days ago.

Don't say I didn't
'cause I did.

Yeah, uh, $50 short
plus a $15 late fee.

What?
Oh, my God.

Oh. Somebody must have
taken $50 out of the envelope.

$65, actually,
50 for the rent and...

Well, I'm telling you
somebody stole...

What the fart?

What...

What the...

what is wrong with you?

Shoot, sorry.

Can you not see me
in that monster truck?

Sorry. Sorry.
It's my fault.

I don't have time
for an accident.

I'm so sorry, I am not...

Susan from the gym.

How did...

Look, I'm Phil, by the way.

Phil.
I mean, I'm not Phil.

My name's Susan.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I, uh... I got distracted

like an idiot,
and next thing I know,

I'm banging
into the back of you.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I was just heading
to a job interview at my job.

I'm interviewing someone else
for another job

at the place that I work at.

Are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah,
I'm just a little shaken up,

but I'm okay.

I love your "blouze."

Oh, "thankz."

I love your "shoez."

Mm. "Thankzzz."

All right,
let's see what we got here.

Um, that's not too bad, right?

Yeah, just a little denty.

I'd hate to get
insurance involved.

It'd take forever.

- Who's got that kind of time?
- Too much paperwork.

- For sure, for sure.
- Ends up being

more complicated
than it needs to be.

- I don't even have it.
- I'll tell you what.

Can I, uh, grab your phone,
and I'll put my number in it?

Sure.

Okay, and then why
don't you get an estimate,

and you can just text me,
and I could, I don't know,

pop over to your place
and bring a check,

or I can just send it
in the mail, either.

Sure.
You send it or pop over.

It's up to you.

Great.
So I will send or pop.

Great.

Oh, and please,
will you take this

and get a massage to work
that kink out of your neck?

It is a little kinky.

Hmm.

You're funny.

You're nice
to say I'm funny.

Oh, well, you're nice to say
I'm nice to say you're funny.

That's funny.

Well, I am
both sorry and happy

that I bumped into you, Susan.

Likewise.

Oh, uh...

Yep.
Here you go.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Text me.
- Maybe I will.

♪ When I'm out walking
I strut my stuff ♪

♪ Then I'm so strung out ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite ♪

♪ I just might stop
to check you out ♪

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Like I blister in the sun ♪

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Big hands
I know I'm the one ♪

- I'm the...
- Oh, what happened?

What happened?

I said "I'm the one."
Is it "You're the one?"

Oh, you're just thinking
about him, aren't you?

I am.

I am thinking
about him, Corrin.

Can I borrow your Spanx
for tonight?

No, the boys made
eye masks out of them.

Oh, I just...

I want to look
sucked in for my date.

Are you sure it's a date?

- Corrin.
- What?

He's bringing money
over to my place.

I mean, that doesn't seem
like a date to you?

Well, no.

I mean, he could have
met me at the gym,

or he could have mailed it,
but he offered to come over.

I mean, this is huge.

I don't know.
It could be huge.

Ah, this is, like,
bigger than huge.

It's gigantic.

Mm, maybe, maybe, maybe,
Susan, maybe.

I mean... I mean,
it's, like, life-changing.

- I don't know. I don't know.
- Get the invitations ready!

Yeah, it's just...
Don't mail them.

I mean, Corrin,
this could be

what I've been
waiting for, you know?

A partner, someone to take
care of me for a change.

- Nancy, give it back.
- I don't know.

Maybe... maybe we're all born
not whole but halves,

and we spend our whole lives

searching for our other half,
you know?

And only then does
everything become easy.

Only then do we realize,
you know, our full potential.

- Give it back! Give it back!
- Oh, my God.

Shit, how long
has that been in there?

In your dreams,
dick breath!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
slow it down, slow it down.

Corrin, whose turn is it
to put her to bed?

Yours.

I will move all the shit

from the porch up to the attic
if you will do it.

I'll give you a blowjob
if you'll do it.

I'm too tired for a blowjob.

All right,
just give her to me.

Hi, Tom.

- Why do you look so happy?
- Don't worry about it.

It's none of your beeswax.

Anyway, I should
probably get going.

- Good night, Vivi.
- Good night, Susie.

Here's a blowjob.

- Are you kidding me?
- I'm...

That's your fault.

It's open.

Where...

Oh, hey, drawn in
by my musical stylings?

Leon, listen,
I love music, okay?

Literally, it's my life, but...

Oh, well,
what's your favorite, jazz?

No, n...

Oh, you're a country girl.

No.

Well, maybe you're
feeling the blues.

Look, Leon, it's just
I have a friend

coming over tonight, okay?

And I'm a little nervous,

and your piano playing
is making me dizzy.

Oh, all right.
Um, yeah, band's on a break.

Mm-hmm, band's on a break.
Okay.

You want to hear a joke?

No, I do not.

All right.
Have fun with your friend.

Oh, actually, um,
can I ask a favor?

My nails are wet, and I need
to take my rollers out.

- Yeah.
- Thank you so much, yeah.

Start on the left there,
mm-hmm.

- Just pull 'em out.
- Like this?

Yeah, just like... just like
they're made to be pulled.

Just... oh, ow, ow, yeah.

It hurts?

Yeah, well,
it doesn't feel good.

- It looks great. Wow.
- Yeah. Oh.

Uh, I'm coming.

♪ Oh, oh yeah ♪

♪ Distance in between
you and me ♪

Wow.
Those are some boots.

Mm, thanks.

Hi.

Not many people
can pull those off.

Oh. I got these
quite a while ago, yeah.

Sorry to, uh...
I brought your check.

$420, right?

Yep, that is correct.

At least that's what
Bumper Stickler said.

Although they won't be able
to fix it for a little while

because they're so jammed up.

- Hmm.
- It's bumper season, I guess.

Anyway, nice of you
to come here.

Oh, no, no, come on.

It's on... it's on
my way home, so...

- Uh, great.
- Well, I should...

Oh, no,
you came all this way.

At least I could feed you.

I just made dinner,
and when I hungry cook,

I make way too much food.

Oh, I don't... I don't want
to impose on your...

Not an imposition.

If it was an imposition,
I'd say, "It's an imposition,"

but I didn't say that, did I?

No, you didn't.

Well, then I... I guess
I am a little hungry.

And then the ladder gave out,

and I thought to myself,

"This is it, Phil.
This is where you die."

What?

And you'll never guess
where I landed.

What?
Well, just tell me.

No, I said guess.
Guess.

- I... a puddle?
- Mm-mm.

- A thicket?
- Mm.

I don't know,
a plate of cookies?

- Where?
- My brother.

I landed on my brother.

Oh, my God.
Did you kill him?

No, believe it or not,
tiny scratch on his elbow.

Well, that sure was lucky.

If I fell on my brother,
I'd want it to hurt.

Families can be rough, huh?

So do you really
heart quilting?

Hmm?

The bumper sticker
on your car.

Oh, that was on the car
when my mom bought it.

Hmm.

And then
I bought it from her

'cause I had money... have...
I had and have money.

- So you don't quilt?
- No, I collage.

I'm sorry?
You went to college?

No, I do collages.

- Collage?
- Yeah, like this.

Oh.
Wait, Susan, you did this?

That's all me, yeah.

- It's amazing.
- Thank you.

I also do little collages
for burnt children.

Burnt children?

In the burn ward
at the hospital?

Oh.
Susan, you're amazing.

Thank you.

Oh-oh.

I'm so sorry.

I... I guess I ate too much.
It was all so delicious.

Hey, hey, do not apologize
for being adorable,

and you're an amazing cook.

Thank you.

Susan, can I
ask you something?

Anything.

Do you like to jump?

Do I?

I mean, do I?

Where are you taking me?
Is this a haunted house?

Just be patient.
You'll see.

Now stand right there.
I'm gonna turn the light on.

I don't want you to trip
and hurt yourself.

Okay, I'm a statue.

What?

Wow.
You work here?

Oh, I own it.

You're an owner?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

This night is unfolding
like a dream collage.

So how much does it cost
to come here?

$15 for adults,
$12 for children.

So it's $54
for a family of four.

If they come eight times
a year, that's $432.

Wow, she does math, collages,
and helps burnt children?

You are a triple threat,
Susan O'Connell.

You are something amazing.

Hey, you ready
to get high?

Fucking moron.

Susan?
Are you okay?

I am.

Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna wait outside.

Wait, I think I'm done.
I'm done.

Do you want to get on top?

No, thank you.

♪ I open my eyes
look to the sky ♪

♪ Oh it's a sunny day ♪

♪ The world is looking
so bright ♪

Here you go.

Turn it sideways.

♪ Oh it's a sunny day ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ohh-ohh ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme what I want ♪

♪ I want sunshine, sunshine ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
'cause it's been so long ♪

♪ I want sunshine, sunshine ♪

- Those look lovely.
- Oh, thanks.

- So sleepy, huh?
- So sleepy.

What are you gonna
wear with it?

Let me pick something out
and I will surprise you.

...redefine
nonstop shopping.

You can shop...

- Hi, Susan.
- Oh, hey, Velvet.

What's wrong?
You look scared.

No, no.

I'm just, uh, swamped.

You know, they made me manager,
so what are you gonna do?

Cool, cool, cool.

That's my boyfriend,
so what are you gonna do?

Yeah, I really am manager.

Yeah, that really
is my boyfriend, so...

Is he?

We're practically engaged,
and I'm probably pregnant.

Just seems, you know,
kinda sudden for you

to have a serious boyfriend.

I mean, how well
do you know him?

Oh, my God.

Are you jealous,
Velvet Swensen?

I am definitely not.

You know what?
Forget it.

You know,
I've got too much to do.

I'm responsible
for every employee you see

and the ones you don't.

Oh, 'cause your life is
so much more important.

"Oh, I'm Velvet.
I was first to get my period.

"Oh, I got a job
at Baskin-Robbins

"even though they said
they weren't hiring.

Oh, I go to Cancun
with my sorority girls."

- Did you get that jacket here?
- Yes, I did.

Yeah, we were trying
to get rid of those.

Staff meeting in five.

Phil, let's go.

Hold my hand.
It's important.

Look, I got these
sweet Fourth of July trunks.

Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh, thank you.

Excuse me.
This is my boyfriend.

Whew.

Oh, you got
your pinwheel, babe?

- I do.
- Okay.

Ah, turtle,

looks like somebody's been
straightening up.

I moved a couple things.

- I had a great day.
- Me too.

In fact, I've had
a great month.

Me too.

Argh!

- So...
- So?

You want to watch a show
and rub my feet?

More than you know.

My God, that would be hot.

But no.
I gotta go to work.

I got to supervise
the cleaning crew,

got a couple of complaints that
the trampolines are sticky,

but I'll be thinking about you.

Mm.

As I clean up
that stickiness.

Oh, I almost for... you okay?

- Yes.
- Sorry.

I almost forgot.

I got you a little something
when you weren't looking.

Something else?

What the potato salad
has gotten into you,

Phil, the owner?

You got into me.

I love it.

- It's so beautiful.
- Yeah.

What does it mean?

Well... eh.

It means whatever
you want it to mean.

Do you want to meet
my family?

I mean, I understand
if it's rushed,

or if your own family is dead,

so families make you nervous
or sad or something,

but it's my niece's
First Communion this Sunday.

I don't even know
if you're a church person.

Me, I just go
for the music, myself.

Then next week we're supposed
to go on a family trip

to Niagara Falls,

but I don't know if I'm going

because I don't have the funds
right now just because...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, turtle,

if you need anything,
money, anything, you just ask.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We'll talk about it
at the confession.

- Communion.
- Perfect. Mm.

And by the way, I am, uh...

- I'm pro-family.
- Oh, really?

Yeah.

I love families.

'Sup?

- Hello?
- I'm in the kitchen.

Come in here.

Guess what.

Is it about me or you?

Remember I told you
about that talent show

- I heard on KRPP?
- Yes.

Okay, so I was listening
to my fantasy lover,

DJ Coyote Carl,
on the radio this morning.

- Long story short...
- Short story long.

That talent show
is this week,

and guess who got us a spot.

Are you fucking kidding me?

And the first 25 callers

get to perform
at the grand reopening

of that used car dealership
over on Bayard.

The one that used to be
a gas station?

Yes, so I called.

- What number were you?
- 22!

- No, I wanted to guess!
- Well, we're 22.

Well, why don't you
have a shirt on?

Oh, I gave it to Andy.

There were skulls on it,
so he made a cape.

Andy, I want
to see your cape!

And get this,
everyone who performs

gets a $200 gift certificate
to the Jewel-Osco.

That's, like, a dream.

I'm so sick
of spending money on food.

Listen to this,
the winner,

the grand prize,
gets to open for the Fat Sams

on their tour for two months,
Susie Bird.

How about that?
Right?

Oh.

Oh, but we need to come up

with a name for the band
by the end of the day.

- This is huge.
- Hey, honey.

Vivi wants
another slice of pizza.

- Are we out of pizza?
- No.

So go in there, open the box,
put your hand in,

take out a slice,
and give it to her.

Okay, honey, thank you.
I can do that.

Hey, Tom, we need
a name for our band.

We're trying to think
of a name.

- I don't know.
- "I don't know."

We need something clever
that says, like,

ladies who play the ukulele
and the flute.

How about
Ukulady and the Tramp?

Why don't you go rest
your mouth, okay?

I kinda like
Ukulady and the Tramp.

I know, I do too.

I just don't want
to give it to him.

♪ You may cross
the barren desert ♪

♪ But you will not die
of thirst ♪

Hey, baby.

It's me, just wondering
where you are.

Give me a shout when you can.
Okay, bye-bye now.

Bye, bye.

♪ You may speak your words ♪

♪ In foreign lands ♪

- What?
- Shh!

♪ And all will understand ♪

Was that your
fake boyfriend?

- He's not fake, you idiot.
- Whatever.

Better shut your face if
you know what's good for you.

Oh, yeah, or what?

You'll smear cake all over
my car again, you freak?

- Jesus.
- Jesus.

♪ You may speak your words ♪

Hello... hello.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, hang on.
Just...

♪ You may see
the face of God ♪

Well, I left you
that message

'cause I don't want to owe
the late fee.

Well, if I'm telling you
when you're gonna get it,

then it's not
actually gonna be late.

Because you'll get it whenever
I said you're gonna get it.

Do you get it?

♪ I go before you always ♪

- Bye. Bye.
- I don't know.

Sweetie, we are
so proud of you.

- Thanks.
- We're so proud.

- Let me try him one more time.
- We're taking off, Susan.

Not yet.

Hi, baby.
It's me again.

Just checking in.

Figured you were probably in
the middle of a work emergency,

clean up on aisle six.

Um, sorry, um, just whatever.
It's no biggie.

Just call me when you can.
Okay, okay, bye-bye.

So he's not gonna make it?

Well, Mom, I don't know
if he can

because he only exists
inside Susan's head.

I think you're confused,
Cameron.

I think you might
be thinking of Edward,

your imaginary friend
from when you were, like, nine.

I was four,
and it was totally normal.

Guess what.
It's not.

Dad and I thought
you were a psychopath.

Susan, don't mention
your father near a church.

He was a selfish asshole.

Let's try to remember
it's Jenika's day.

Aunt Susan,
did you get me a present?

Oh, yeah, sweetie.
I got you...

Fuck.

Here's some headbands.

Awesome.

- And some Krazy Glue.
- Cool!

Yeah, go crazy.

Yeah, we better get going

before the meatloaf
gets ate up.

Meatloaf?

Are we going to the hospital
again for meatloaf day?

What I wouldn't give
to have that recipe.

Maybe you and Phil
could meet us there?

- There is no Phil, people.
- Don't call me people.

I told you, I hate that.

There is a Phil,
and we're probably

moving in together soon,

and he's paying my way
to Toronto,

where I'm gonna hold your head
under the goddamn falls!

Oh, sorry, Pastor.

I'm gonna call you
about a wedding.

Do you do weddings?
I'm gonna call you.

No, I don't really care.

So that's not
really his fault.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Have you guys seen Blair?

Actually, I think I saw her
flirting with the bartender.

- Classic.
- But that was a while ago.

- Typical.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does everyone
have against Blair?

I thought you were
all friends.

Not anymore,
'cause she never thinks

before she opens
her big mouth.

She also talks like a robot.

She also chews way too loud,
like a farm animal.

That is harsh.

Oh, hey, will you
bring me that rosé?

Oh, and a Basil Hayden's,
while you're at it?

You have got
to be kidding me!

Nice way to start your day.

Look, I work
just up the street,

and I'm late for a very,
very important presentation,

so if you could just meet me
there, that would really...

- What?
- In, like, 30 minutes.

It's gonna be totally fine.

- Hey! Are you high?
- No, y...

Why aren't you
wearing shoes?

Grace.

This is a big deal, Sylvia.
Congratulations.

Wow, um, what an honor
to have been...

Hold on, Hannah and I
still have to go.

Where have you been?

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.

Where are you
going with this?

Why are you being
such an annoying bitch?

Oh, that's really nice.

Look, I have no idea
what I did to upset you,

but whatever it is,
I'm sorry, I'll stop.

You know exactly
what you did.

- No, I don't.
- Oh, yeah?

You got any jacks?

Go fish.

Hey, Sue, want a burger?

Check this out.

- Keep practicing, Laney.
- You have any threes?

Hey, you want
to hear a joke?

No, Leon, I don't have time
to hear about your legs.

Okay, sorry.

You don't want to hear
about my legs?

You have any threes?

I mean, what...
what did happen to your legs?

Well, I was gifted
with polio as a child.

- Hey!
- Go fish.

Oh, cool. I mean, I'm sorry.
That's... that's sad.

Anyway, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna bounce.

You got any fives?

You are a cheater.

- Yay, you made it.
- Sorry, Jensy.

I can't stay.
Just grabbing some eats to go.

You even sound
like your father.

- You need to wear a slip, Susan.
- I'm with them.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Phil,
the owner.

Uh, yeah, he should
be around here somewhere.

Uh, there he is.

Over by the foam pit
with his wife and kids.

Great guy.
Great dad too.

Uh, ma'am, you dropped
your bag or your purse.

Oh, that's your purse.

♪ All the kids
in the marketplace say ♪

♪ Way-oh, way-oh ♪

♪ Way-oh, way-oh ♪

Susan, maybe
it wasn't his wife.

But the tall, weird kid
said it was his wife.

It was probably his wife.

I don't know, Corrin,
she was pregnant,

and she had that
pregnant glow, you know?

- And she looked so happy.
- Aww.

Like a woman on one
of my dream collages.

Well, but her husband's
cheating on her.

Yeah,
but she doesn't know that,

and what you don't know
doesn't count.

I don't count, you know?

Of course you count.
Come on.

In my mind, Corrin,
we were...

we were already married,
you know?

Yeah.

And, um, raising kids
of our own, you know?

They were... they were sweet
and small like Phil,

but, you know,
they had hair and everything.

Listen to me.
Look at me.

You can still have kids,

just not with Phil,
but you can... listen.

You can have them
with somebody else.

You can even have them
by yourself.

When you say his name,
it's like you literally

took razor blades
and you cut my face.

Sorry.
But you know what?

Heartache is great for music.

So why don't you
take these feelings

you're having
of loneliness and sadness

and channel it for the show?

- Yeah.
- For the show, the show.

- Okay, yeah, I am.
- All right?

I think it's gonna
be a good show.

It's gonna be a good show.

You're gonna be fine.

Yeah,
we're gonna be great.

- Yeah.
- I should probably go.

Okay.
You should go home and rest.

- Don't think about Phil!
- Ow, my face.

Sorry.

Hey, Susan, this is Doug.

I got your IOU
and this collection

of magazine clippings
pasted together

on a piece of paper.

They're very nice, but they
do not your rent make. Plea...

Susan, it's your mother.

We need to be at the airport
at 1:00 tomorrow.

Cameron wants us
to just take a cab,

but I don't want him throwing
his hard-earned money away

when you're
not doing anything.

So what are you looking
to get for this today?

Uh, two...

$20,000?

The diamonds are moissanite.
I'll give you 250.

Take it or leave it.

It's fine.

How much is this?

- $5.
- I want this too.

- Okay.
- But I want it for free.

Okay.

A little more weight
towards the...

I'm going to pull it out
and then...

What's with the suitcases?

I'm coming with you
to Niagara Falls,

which means I can't drive us,

so I guess we're gonna
have to take a taxi.

- How'd you pay for a ticket?
- Don't worry about it.

It's just a one-way ticket,

but I'll figure out
how to get back.

Who knows,
maybe I'll even stay

and make a life for myself
there under the falls.

- Do you have a passport?
- What?

Canada's another country.
You need a passport.

How long does it take to...

It took us over a month
to get ours

because the system
is so overwhelmed.

I brought
an empty shampoo bottle,

and it said on the website
of the hotel

that you could win
a free return trip next year.

Wait, what's that about
a shampoo bottle?

Yeah, I guess people take
some of the water

back home
with them from the falls.

Oh, I didn't know that.

And I think I read
on the website

that the hotel
has a free dessert

and happy hour
from 5:00 to 7:00 every night.

Stop! Get out!

Get the hell out of my car!
Get out!

- Ooh!
- Thanks.

Uh, get out on Daddy's side.
Just go by...

Great, Susan, great.
Real nice.

Cursing in front
of my fucking grandbaby.

- I got this one, Cameron.
- I just don't understand you.

Like you got a screw loose.

Do you have
a screw loose, Susan?

This is not your car.
It's Mom's... hey, hey!

Hey!

- That's my bag.
- Sorry, Mom, I'm sorry.

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ Sometimes it does ♪

♪ It does not show ♪

♪ That I can't stand ♪

♪ To let him go ♪

♪ The sweetest love we know ♪

♪ The hardest to let go ♪

♪ But all summers end ♪

♪ And all little babies cry ♪

♪ And all my lovers
went away ♪

♪ In time I don't know why ♪

♪ And all of the flames
burn out ♪

♪ And all my lovers
let me down ♪

♪ In time I don't know ♪

Hey.

Are you okay?

I've been better.

Well, you're gonna be great
after the show.

You know why?
'Cause music heals you,

and that is why I have been up
since 3:00 in the morning,

'cause I'm so excited.

Mm-hmm.

I just feel like
my whole life

is about arriving
at this point, you know?

Yeah, me too.

What are we gonna wear?

I don't know. I'll probably
wear my jean jacket.

Oh, that's a great idea.
Maybe I'll wear mine.

I mean, we have to match,
right?

Like Destiny's Child?

Okay, so the show
starts at 7:00.

Why don't you meet me there
at 5:00,

and we can have
a bratwurst or something,

and then we'll just run it
a bunch of times?

- Okay.
- That sound good?

I'll see you soon?

Was I always like this?

Like what?
What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Okay, I'll see you there.
I'm so excited.

You'll have to go ask Mommy.
Come on, come on, Kyle.

- What?
- They're hungry.

Well, okay, there's,
like, 5,000 food tables.

Go get them
a fried stick of something.

- Well, do you have money?
- I gave you, like, $12.

- It's in the car.
- I'm rehearsing.

Can you see
that I am rehearsing?

- You're not doing anything.
- I am.

I've been going over beats in
my head and rhythm and stuff.

Besides, this is backstage,
and it's talent only.

I don't think you guys
are allowed.

What are you talking about?
There's no backstage.

The mailbox is full

and cannot accept
any messages at this time.

Good-bye.

All right, number 22.
Huh?

Looking for number 22?

Oh, my God.
That's me over here.

Hi.
You're Coyote Carl.

- I am.
- Wow.

I can't believe
I'm meeting you in person.

I mean, I listen to you
on the radio every single day.

Well, that's how I knew
about this whole thing,

and I've even seen you
on TV once or twice,

but this is...
wow, this is great.

Yeah, I love me those
string instruments.

Oh, yeah.

I dated a banjo player
back in college.

Oh, yeah?

Whew, did she teach me
how to pluck.

- If you know what I mean.
- I know what you mean, yeah.

- All right, number 22?
- Yeah.

- Ukulady and the Tramp?
- Well, I'm the Ukulady,

and the Tramp's not here yet,
but she'll... she'll be here.

All right, well,
she better not take too long

'cause we got three
more acts ahead of you.

All right, good luck,
little strummer girl.

Thanks.

Hey, Coyote, sorry.

Hey, Miss, we're gonna need
you to come down from there.

Ah.

♪ Doo-wah ♪

And that was the Daddies.

My daddy couldn't carry a tune
to save his life,

but boy, did he teach me
how to whittle.

That's right.

How about some more
Farmingville talent?

What do you guys say?

That's right.

Now, next up, we got...
now or never, sweetheart.

Come on.
You want to scratch?

- No, no, I'll do it.
- All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for our last act of the night,
Ukulady and no Tramp.

Come on, Cor.

Hi.

The bracelet is
just magnificent.

- I know, I know.
- I mean, it's just breath...

The authorities' suspicions

became clear as they
approached the scene.

What first appeared
to be a suicide in progress

near Route 53

turned out to be
an intoxicated woman

vandalizing private property
with graffiti.

The woman
remains uncooperative

with local law enforcement,

and her motives remain unclear
at this time.

♪ When I'm out walking
I strut my stuff ♪

♪ And I'm so strung out ♪

♪ High as a kite ♪

♪ I just might stop
and check you out ♪

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Like I blister in the sun ♪

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Big hands I know... ♪

Forget it.

Don't look at me,
Coyote Carl.

Come on, you were great.

Ma'am, this is
your final warning.

If you don't stop
what you're doing,

we're gonna have to come up
and get you.

Oh, yeah?
I didn't know pigs could climb.

- Phil and what?
- Huh?

What the hell, Ramirez?

The world needs
to know the truth.

Okay?
Here.

"Erer."

Phil-and-erer, philanderer.

Can't you read that?

This man here is a filthy,

filthy philander... ahh!

I can do it myself.
I can do it myself.

And turn.

Susan O'Connell,
your bail's been posted.

You're free to go.

- Who...
- A good Samaritan.

I don't know.

Hurry up.
It's cold in here.

Come on.

Susan?

Leon.

How'd you know it was me?

Seriously?

I saw the eviction notice
on your door

and all your stuff out here.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

No.

I couldn't sleep,
so I was just cleaning up.

You left your laundry
in the washer,

so I dried it for you,
folded it up again.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ From the front to the back ♪

♪ I make a girl
have a heart attack ♪

♪ Can I get a witness,
y'all? ♪

♪ Somebody help me ♪

It's tasty.

Did you have sex with me

just because
I folded up your laundry?

Mm, mm-hmm, kinda.

Susan?

Susan?

Susan?

Shh, go... go away.

Can I just get you
to help me for a minute?

I left something out in my car,

and I really need
to have it because...

Okay, I'm up, I'm up.

I'm thirsty.
I need something to drink.

Okay.

Oh, my God, shut up.

What...

Leon?

Leon.

Leon!

Hello?

Hi, Tom.
Is Corrin there?

She doesn't want
to talk to you.

Come... come on, Tom.
I know...

I know I missed the show,
but I got detained,

and when I say that,
I literally mean detained,

arraigned and detained
for spray-painting Phil's face.

Do you have any idea how
embarrassed I was last night?

How embarrassed you were?

Corrin, 700 firefighters
saw up my skirt.

You know what?
I don't care.

It doesn't even matter,
all right, Susan?

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

What you did to me
last night was inexcusable,

and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of taking care
of you.

I'm tired of worrying
about you.

Everything you do
is always about you,

and I'm done, and I'm done
with your crazy stories.

Corrin, but I'm ready
to get my shit together

for real this time.

I don't believe you, Susan.
It's like...

It's like you're stuck,
like you're stuck in quicksand.

Mom, can we bust this
over your head?

No, please get that
out of the house.

- Move.
- Hey, Tom.

Um, also,

I have been temporarily evicted
from my apartment.

Oh, Jesus.

And I was just wondering...

I know it's not
a good time to ask

if I could stay with you guys
for just a couple...

When it rains, it pours,
dick breath.

Boys, that wasn't funny.

- Sorry.
- Good shot.

Leon?

Oh, oh.

Jesus. Susan.

Jesus Christ, you scared
the shit out of me.

Sorry, not sorry.
What do you want, Doug?

What are you doing
in Leon's apartment?

I'm staying here for a while.
It's none of your business.

I mean, what are you doing
in your apartment?

- What?
- Nothing.

- This is highly irregular.
- You're highly irregular.

You kicked me
out of my apartment.

Well, you didn't
give me much choice.

I didn't have choices.

Instead I found all my stuff
on the lawn.

What'd you expect me to do?

I gave you, like,
nine warnings.

What do you want, Doug?

I just found Leon's
keys outside on the lawn.

They want me to bring over
some of his stuff.

Turns out
I'm his emergency contact,

if you can believe it,
which is also highly irregular.

Emergency contact for what?

Susan, are you...
Leon's in the hospital.

He collapsed
in the courtyard this morning.

Laney found him,
had to call 911.

How do you not know
about that?

Susan?
Susan?

Everything okay in there?

You've been in there
quite a while,

which is highly irregular.

I should probably get over to
the hospital before too long.

Uh, I think
they're expecting someone.

Hi.

Hey.

I would have come sooner,
but I didn't know.

- That's okay.
- I have your keys.

- They were on the lawn.
- Thanks.

I also drove your van here
because the police have my car.

Oh. Okay.

I also squared away your rent
for the month with Doug.

You did?

No, I didn't.

I don't know why I said that.

It's a lie.

I lie a lot.

Sorry for putting you
in the hospital.

It's not your fault.
It's my diabetes.

Probably should have had
a hit of the OJ before we...

You have polio and diabetes?

God can be such a hater
sometimes.

I brought you a few things.

Ooh, Cassie.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm in the mood
for a good joke.

Do you know
any good jokes, Leon?

Well, I might be able
to come up with something.

Ah.

Do you know
why your butt crack

goes like this
and not like this?

Why?

'Cause if it went like this

and you fell down the stairs,
you'd go...

Tell me another one.

Susan?

Oh, good, you're back.

What are you doing here?

Visiting a friend.

Don't worry.
This is my little brother.

Get out.
Your brother's my doctor?

Physician's assistant.

Well, I have some
good news for you, Leon.

You're gonna get to go home
to that building soon

'cause we're letting you
out of here today.

Oh, goody.

Just promise me to be
a little better

about staying on top
of your blood sugar, okay?

And do you have anybody
who can check in on you?

- Yes, he does.
- Anybody responsible?

- Yes.
- Who?

Can I see you
in the hallway, please?

If you could just take
a quick look through these,

get your John Hancock,
we should be all set, yeah?

- What is your problem?
- I know what you're up to.

Oh, yeah?
What am I up to?

You're gonna try
to befriend him.

Well, I already am
his friend, so check.

Then you're gonna
figure out a way

to mooch off this poor guy

just like you do with
everyone else in your life.

Jesus, Susan, what the hell?

This is where I work,
for Christ's sake.

Has it ever
occurred to you

that I might actually
care about him?

Ha! That's the funniest thing
I've ever heard.

You don't care
about anyone but yourself.

You never have.

You know what?
You are never not an asshole.

You know it's true.

Oh, that's nice.
Walk away.

Like father, like daughter,
I guess.

You know what?

I never blamed Dad for leaving
like you and Mom always did.

You know why? Because it was
smart for him to leave.

I would have left, too,
if I wound up

with a fucking retarded family
like this one!

It's meatloaf day
in the cafeteria.

Your retarded family
called to tell you about it,

but it went to voicemail.

All right, loaf time.
It's okay, sweetie.

Everything all right?

Everything's fine.

- Hey.
- Hey, dude.

What are you doing out here?

I know they can be
a little retarded.

Sometimes I wanna leave too.

Don't ever do that.
They love you.

They love you too.

Don't say retarded.

Jenika, don't skip
in the hospital.

Oh, hi, Susan.

I'm sorry for what
I said back there.

But I'm not gonna say
I didn't mean it

because I kinda did mean it.

I'm happy y'all had
a fun vacation.

Y'all worked hard for it
and deserve it.

Mom, I'm sorry you picked
a favorite child

and that he turned out to be
a stuck-up piece of shit.

I'm sorry you never told me
I was awesome when I was a kid

even though
it would have been a lie.

I'm sorry you had to raise
two children on your own

because you married
a "selfish asshole,"

and I'm sorry you think
I can be a little bit

like him sometimes,
but the truth is...

I think I'm probably
a little more like you.

It's something I'm working on.

Enjoy your family meal.

At least she didn't
ask for money.

Good lord.

You okay?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Oh, me?
I'm good.

I could probably use a soda
or something

to get my sugar back up,

but I can wait till we get back
to the house for that.

♪ I'm about to set off ♪

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ I never felt so good ♪

♪ I'm about to break off ♪

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ I never felt so good ♪

♪ I'm not trying
to hide it ♪

♪ I'm not trying to deny it ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

Uh, this is employees only.

Um, Miss, you can't...

This is against the rules.
Phil!

You're supposed to use gloves
when scooping ice.

Phil! Phil!

Phil!

Oh, that's a combo.
That's her pretzel.

♪ I never felt so good ♪

What's happening right now?

Phil!

♪ I never felt so good ♪

♪ I never felt so good ♪

You gotta pay for those.

♪ I never felt so good ♪

♪ I never felt so good ♪

Well, that was weird.

Mmm! Nice!

No, a sandwich is fine.

What is this?

VIP passes and gift
certificates to Jumpaline

for you and the kids.

Oh. Thanks.

Um, let me know if
you want to hang sometime

or, um, you know,
if we still have a band.

I don't want to go to bed!
I want a movie!

The boys just made a planter
out of my ukulele,

so I can't even play it.

Really?
Well, what did they plant?

They said cherry pits.

I actually think
it might be marijuana.

I don't know, guess
we'll have to wait and see.

Corrin, I'm losing it!
I can feel myself losing it!

Okay.

I've gotta go
put the oops baby down,

so thanks for the tickets.

I can do it if you want.

Mommy!

- You want to do spider check?
- Yeah.

Fine, okay.

- Come on.
- No!

- Did you get a haircut?
- Yeah, last week.

Yeah, it looks cute.
It's short.

- Yeah?
- I can see your ears.

Oh, thanks, honey.

- I like your ears.
- Oh, good.

- You wanna get high?
- I do.

- Do you have any?
- I do.

No spiders in there.

Oh, no spiders
in there either.

Susan, look under the desk.

Kyle has her head.

Well, don't ever lose
your head over a man.

What's this?

It's a tickle spider, ooh!

Susan!

Uh-huh.

I'm also very creative,

and I can do percentages
in my head.

Is there anything else
Kmart should know about you

before we conclude
this interview?

All right then.

Just...

Just that I've always
been jealous of you

because your life always
seemed so perfect, you know?

You always seem so happy,

and you're so pretty,

and in high school

you were in that commercial
for Mattress Giant.

- You saw that?
- Yeah.

It was always on during
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

- I love that show.
- I know, me too.

Are those flowers
from your boyfriend?

Yeah.

You're so lucky.

They're actually
from my mom.

My boyfriend broke up
with me, so...

Oh, I'm s...

- When?
- A year and a half ago.

He was addicted to some girl
on a porn website, you know?

Whatever.

What a bastard.

I see you left
the box unchecked for

"Have you ever been
convicted of a crime?"

Yes, I, as of now,

technically never have been
convicted of a crime.

However, I do have
an upcoming court date.

That's okay, Susan.
I know all about it.

- You do?
- I saw you on the news.

I was on the news?

I posted your bail.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Look, Phil Conklin's
a slimy little dick.

- I'm sure he had it coming.
- You know Phil?

I made the mistake
of going on one date with him

when I was rebounding.

I should have known
he was no good

when he "accidentally"
hit my car.

Motherfucker.

Uh, well, I'll...
I'll pay you back.

Money well spent.

Thank you.

Thank you for showing
interest in Kmart.

Mm-hmm.

You'll be hearing from us
in a couple of days.

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey, baby, wake up.

Hey, baby, wake up.
Hey, baby, wake up.

♪ A princess dressed
in dirty rags ♪

♪ Pretty dresses on her back
she never had ♪

♪ Folks say she don't
know right from wrong ♪

♪ But to me her smile
lights up the dawn ♪

♪ Oh lazy Susan ♪

♪ Won't you come on
home to me ♪

♪ Lazy Susan ♪

♪ Won't you keep
my company ♪

♪ Lazy Susan ♪

♪ Won't you come on
home with me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- ♪ Susan ooh ♪
- ♪ It may get late ♪

♪ Won't you come on
home to me ♪

♪ Girl 'cause you're
moving slow ♪

- ♪ Susan ooh ♪
- ♪ But I know ♪

♪ Won't you keep
my company ♪

- ♪ Real good lovin' ♪
- ♪ Susan ooh ♪

♪ Can rearrange your life ♪

♪ Won't you come on
home to me ♪

♪ And when we get it
together girl ♪

Seriously?

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ Like a bird
with open wings ♪

♪ I can do anything ♪

♪ Like a kite
without a string ♪

♪ I can do anything ♪

♪ I'm not ever coming down ♪

♪ Ooh, hey! ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Up in the air ♪

♪ I'm walking on gold rays ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Up through the clouds ♪

♪ I'm walking on gold rays ♪

♪ All together, everyone ♪

♪ Light it up
and chase the sun ♪

♪ I'm not ever coming down ♪

♪ Ooh, hey! ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Up in the air ♪

♪ I'm walking on gold rays ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Up through the clouds ♪

♪ I'm walking on gold rays ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ I'm not ever coming down ♪

♪ I'm not ever coming ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Up in the air ♪

♪ I'm walking on gold rays ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Up through the clouds ♪

♪ I'm walking on gold rays ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, oh ♪