Late Night (2019) - full transcript
A late night talk show host suspects that she may soon lose her long-running show.
In 1991,
she became the first female
late-night talk-show host
on a major network.
Tonight
with Katherine Newbury
is the gold standard...
She has hosted
over 6,000 episodes,
winning 43
Primetime Emmy Awards...
She's brilliant.
She is excellence
without compromise.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
- this year's recipient...
- Three, two.
...of the American Humor Award,
Katherine Newbury.
Thank you so much
for this incredible honor,
although I do have to say
I think America is in
a tough spot if it's giving
this amazing award for American
comedy to an Englishwoman.
I guess they're right...
foreigners are taking
all your jobs.
I mean, what happened?
Is there no one funny left
in the country?
Is Martin Short dead?
What about Jerry Seinfeld?
Or how about Alec Baldwin?
I mean, come on.
Did someone blow up
the Hamptons?
Whatever the reason,
I'm assuming I'm here because,
28 years ago, you gave me
the greatest honor of my life.
You made me the host
of Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
Oh, God.
I have hated many pairs
of shoes in my time,
but none more than these.
And everything hurts.
I'm in hell. How are you?
- I liked your speech.
- But you have notes.
- I know you have notes.
- My only note is
- to drink as much as you want.
- I ran into Steve Martin.
- He sends his love.
- He sends his love?
Jesus Christ.
How sick do people think I am?
Oh, please don't die
before I get home.
I haven't got the strength
to organize your funeral.
- Go party.
- Are you kidding?
My Spanx have actually cut off
the blood supply to my head.
I'm going to bed.
- Good night, my love.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
You know what I hate?
Those friends who are like,
"Oh, can you take off
your shoes?"
Nope, not taking 'em off.
You know why?
'Cause this is not Japan.
It's the United States
of America.
Next time you go
to a friend's house
and that friend says,
"Ooh, hold on,
can you take your shoes off?"
here's what you do.
You take one of their shoes,
and you take a shit in it.
All right?
Right in front of them.
Boom.
You're welcome, America.
Oh, what a wanker.
Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
So, how did the speech go?
Did you like
what the writers wrote?
Well, I kept the last line.
"Thank you for this honor.
Good night."
I'll take that as a no.
Okay, so the network
has been trying to contact us.
You have to call Caroline back.
Oh, I was just reading
about her. Yeah, here.
Listen to this: "As a female
president of a network..."
Don't start any sentence with:
"As a female..."
So tacky.
"I want to remind my network
"that show business
is still business.
When I was at
Harvard Business School,"
where, apparently,
she majored in name-dropping,
"I learned that if we're not
hitting prospective consumers
"in all four quadrants,
we are not going to make
a return on our investment."
She sounds hilarious.
- I can't wait to call her back.
- Great.
And Gabe Eichler
is waiting to talk to you.
- I don't know who that is.
- He's one of our writers.
Whoopee.
I'm in a single-income
household,
and Jen and I just had
our second baby, Taylor.
Adorable, huh?
She takes after you.
Yeah. Thanks.
So there's just
a lot of expenses
at home right now, and...
I think it's time for a raise.
I see.
This is actually
very exciting to me.
- Really? Great.
- Because what you're describing
is the most clear-cut example
of the classic sexist argument
for the advancement of men
in the workplace.
You're asking for a raise
not because of
any work-related contribution
you've made,
but simply because
you have a family.
And that's why, in the 1950s,
family men were promoted
over the women
they worked with.
I've never encountered it,
actually,
in such a clean, teachable way.
I don't think that's at all
what's happening.
I can't give you a raise, Gabe.
- It's like giving a raise to a drug addict.
- What?
Well, your situations
are virtually identical.
A drug addict makes
certain decisions
outside of work
for their sense of self
and comfort,
and then the addiction
demands more time, more energy,
more money, just like a child.
- My child's like a drug problem?
- Exactly.
You want special treatment.
I'm sure you can see
how unfair that would be
to a single man or-or woman.
There are no women
on this staff.
- Gabe.
- And the reason there aren't any women
is because you hate women.
So you can sit there
spouting all this
pseudo-feminist bullshit,
but we all know
what's going on here.
We need to hire a woman.
You're fired, obviously.
Just so you know,
this show sucks
and has for years.
Everybody's here
for the paycheck.
That would mean so much more
coming from someone with a job.
Sorry, man.
Yeah, sorry.
Bradley, I don't hate women.
I don't think you think
you hate women.
What does that mean?
I think you might have
a problem with women.
I love Mary Tyler Moore.
I love Gilda Radner.
They're both dead.
I-I think you have a problem
with living female writers
on your staff.
You never want to renew
their contracts.
Well, find me one
worth keeping.
- Would a gay guy work?
- No!
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
God!
Okay, all right, all right.
Oh, there's my guy.
- How are you, buddy? Hey.
- Good.
You guys remember my
little brother, Hayes, right?
- Hey.
- He's the funny one in the family.
- Oh. What?
- Wait, someone in your family is funny?
Hey, man.
Hayes, your timing
could not be better.
- Gabe got fired last week.
- Oh, yeah.
See, Gabe asked
if he could go home
and have dinner with his kids.
Suicide.
Yeah, so listen, so when you go
in there, okay, no commitments.
- Okay.
- No girlfriend. All right?
- You're a monk.
- All right.
- Monk. I'm a monk.
- Dad already called the network.
- You got this.
- You got this.
- Thank you.
- Good luck, man.
- Thanks.
- Text me after, okay?
All right.
So, you worked
at "Chemical Plant."
Is that a cable show?
No, it's a place.
It's a... a chemical plant.
I still work there, actually.
How did you even hear
about this job?
Your submission came
from Margaret Yang
at Human Resources.
At the chemical plant
where I work,
there is a corkboard...
you know,
where people hang notices
for bikes, futons,
missing cats...
and one day, I saw a notice
for a company-sponsored
essay contest
where the prize was you could
meet any executive you want.
- An essay contest?
- Yes.
To meet an executive, like...
the head of the chemical plant?
Yes, I think that's what
you could have picked,
traditionally.
- But you didn't?
- No.
I picked Vernon Gleason,
the chief operating officer
for all of Mainline Chemical,
which owns my plant,
but also owns Comtech,
which owns this network,
which owns Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
So... so you went
to our parent's parent company
in order to make
this interview?
- Yep.
- And you have no experience in comedy?
No.
No, I'm obsessed with comedy.
No, I've seen every episode
of this show.
I-I've read every book
written about it.
- I do a little stand-up.
- Where?
If you have a problem,
ask a chemist.
She'll always have the solution.
Which kills with people
who know about chemistry.
And I'm actually emceeing
a benefit
in the city pretty soon.
- It's kind of cool.
- Um...
"Cancer Isn't Funny:
A Night of Comedy
in Support of Lung Cancer."
Jesus Christ.
- Yes.
- Yeah, it's me.
Did you hire a woman yet?
- Uh, working on it.
- What's taking so long?
The submissions haven't exactly
been the strongest.
Just hire a woman!
I also wanted to add
that I live with
my aunt and uncle
and 11-year-old cousin
in Queens.
I have no friends,
no boyfriend.
I am a monk.
This job would be
my entire life.
Would you consider yourself
a litigious person?
- Litigious?
- A TV writers' room is...
it's not very PC. It can be
a pretty masculine environment.
Oh. I saw most of the writers.
I'm not overly worried
about masculinity.
Oh.
Uh... you're hired.
For 13 weeks...
and if it doesn't work out,
which it probably won't,
you'll be gone.
I can't believe this.
I thought this was going
very badly.
It did, and then it didn't.
Okay, here's my spiel
to all new writers.
Nothing funny happened
after 1995.
Don't talk about the Internet.
She doesn't want
to leave her desk.
She certainly doesn't want
to leave the office.
- Here's the new schedule.
- Don't rock the boat.
Oh, but don't use
the expression,
"Don't rock the boat,"
'cause she hates it.
Got it?
Didn't you pitch us this same
exact thing last week?
- Yes.
- I didn't... okay, well, I did
- a different iteration.
- Pitched that same thing.
Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um...
- What's your name again?
- Molly.
Malee. She used to work
at a chemical plant,
and now she's working here.
Oh. Oh, thank God.
We're starving.
Uh, can you find out what
the soup of the day is
at Au Bon Pain?
Oh, and I need you
to send some packages
back to L.L.Bean for me.
She's not a
production assistant, dipshits.
- She's the new writer.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi.
So, you start
tomorrow at 10:00.
- Great.
- Okay.
Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
Are you okay?
I'm so happy, I feel sick.
That's our show, everyone.
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
- Brad.
- Yeah.
Who is the woman
who was the second guest?
Dianne Feinstein?
U.S. Senator?
I thought it was Mike Myers
doing a bit in old-lady makeup.
Jesus Christ. Why does she keep
booking these boring old broads
when I rep the funniest
comedians in the city?
Probably because I have
a soft spot
for boring old broads.
Speaking as one, hello, Billy.
- Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever.
- Thank you.
To what do I owe the pleasure
of a visit
from the world's pushiest
talent manager?
How about getting some
of my guys on the show?
It'll shake the dust off
of this place.
Dust?
- Well...
- Okay, Billy, I think your charm is wearing off.
- I'll-I'll walk you out.
- You know I'm right.
Good for you.
Uh, you're going to go
celebrate
- with your friends?
- Mm-hmm.
- We're gonna go get drinks.
- You deserve it.
Okay, Mom, well, I don't want
to keep them waiting.
I better go.
- Was that the microwave?
- Oh, no, it's the doorbell.
Be right there, you guys!
Okay, I got to go.
Where did that catchphrase
come from?
"I hope I earned the privilege
of your time"?
It came from me.
Sign of respect
for my audience.
Your audience.
Your tiny, proper,
catchphrase-loving audience.
It's cute. I like it.
That's a little insulting,
isn't it?
Do you know what's insulting?
Waiting a week
for one of your employees
to call you back.
I apologize. I was away,
accepting an award for comedy.
Comedy is the
three-and-a-half-minute chunks
of filler on TV between
the commercials you sell.
I came to tell you
this year is your last.
What?
This season is your last.
You're canceling the show?
No, I'm canceling you.
This show is irrelevant.
The ratings reflect that.
Do you want to know
who Jimmy Fallon had on
last Tuesday when you had
Doris Kearns Goodwin?
Robert Downey Jr.
They washed a sheepdog
together.
It was fucking glorious.
I'm sorry, Caroline.
Should I have played
giant Connect Four with her
or perhaps sung a karaoke song
on the back
of a tandem bicycle?
It's Doris Kearns Goodwin.
She's a national treasure.
Agreed. I only wish
she'd been an Avenger
instead of writing books
about Abraham Lincoln.
- She could be an Avenger if she tried.
- Your ratings
have been in a steady decline
the past ten years.
You won't even try to appeal
to a mainstream audience.
The worst part is,
you seem proud of it,
as if it's beneath you
to put forth any effort.
It's so... English.
I'm sure that attitude scores
you points at dinner parties,
- but unfortun...
- I don't go to dinner parties.
Who are you replacing me with?
Well, we haven't
decided yet, but...
we will.
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
After all the years,
the decades
I've put into that show,
can you believe it?
As a matter of fact, I can.
They're all a bunch of idiots.
I mean, this is the cyclical
nature of late-night TV.
There are gonna be highs,
and there are gonna be slumps.
This particular slump
has lasted for over a decade.
- What?
- The show hasn't been good for years.
Wow. I'm glad your candor's
still intact.
Sorry.
But if you felt this way,
why, for God's sake,
didn't you say something?
I thought you knew
and didn't care.
- No.
- Are you sure?
Walter, I have invested
in precisely
two things my entire life:
you and this show.
I won't lose it now.
I can't.
Then you have to fight again.
Something you haven't had to do
for a long, long time.
They want to replace you.
But they can't replace you
if everyone loves you.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Good morning!
Oh, my God, you are so funny.
Why am I even awake right now?
I'm a stand-up.
I didn't even start my set
till 10:00 last night.
Yeah, why did Brad want us here
so early anyway?
That makes me kind of nervous.
You're nervous?
That's surprising.
Brad's assistant said he saw
Caroline Morton here yesterday.
Caroline Morton? Why would the
head of the network come here?
Well, hopefully, they don't lay
everybody off, you know?
- I need this job.
- They did fire Gabe.
- Hey, babe.
- Gabe should have been fired years ago.
He once went home early
because he had a "bad bagel."
Hey, dickhead,
I shared an office
with that guy for 17 years.
- Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel.
- Fuck him.
I thought you said Kimmel
wasn't hiring.
Guys, there's a lot of reasons
Caroline could be here.
Maybe she wants
to sleep with me.
Hey, man, it's a little early
in the morning for you to be
this sexually charged, okay,
so let's just...
Uh, sorry to interrupt
your coffee cake
and catching up, but Katherine
is in the writers' room.
God.
Uh, if I may,
I just want to say,
it is such an honor
to meet you, Ms. Newbury.
I'm Chris Reynolds.
Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso,
and when my parents
- got divorced, this show...
- I don't know who any of you are.
I don't know
who any of them are.
- Um...
- Oh, well,
uh, Tom.
I'm-I'm Tom.
I, uh... I write the monologue.
I'm actually the youngest
monologue writer
in the history of the show.
No, no, no.
Don't care.
- No? Okay.
- Do you know what?
I'm not gonna remember
any of this,
so here's what we're gonna do.
Um, you're One.
Two. Three.
Four.
Hi, Katherine.
Oh, Burditt. Thank God.
How's your baby?
She's 27.
Her baby's doing well.
She just started preschool.
She's, uh...
Never mind.
I-I don't want to know.
I don't know why I asked,
actually. You're Five.
Six. Seven. That's what I'm
gonna call you all from now on.
- It's just easier.
- Are we allowed to call each other
by our own names?
J-Just learn the numbers,
Reynolds.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean Two.
- Yeah.
- Can One and I switch?
I'm-I'm just...
I'm the most senior writer.
I'll take Seven. Seven.
- Lucky Seven.
- Okay, can we just
get into it now
and see if we can
- salvage anything worth taping?
- Yes.
You-you had that
"Trapped in the Closet" thing.
Why are you dressed like
you work HR at a funeral home?
Pavarti,
I don't look like that.
I look professional.
Like I work HR at a law firm.
Um, anyway,
but it's something like that.
- Yeah, you start.
- Okay, um...
Now, but it could be funny.
- That-that'd be your job.
- Who are you?
Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly.
I'm a new writer.
- Uh, the new female writer.
- Yeah, I can see that, Brad.
What are those?
These are cupcakes.
They're my way
of saying thank you
- for this amazing opportun...
- You're late.
Late?
I thought I was
almost two hours early.
Does it look like you're early?
Uh, Brad told her
we start at 10:00.
Oh.
Well, get in here, then.
- Should I...
- What? You want to sit down?
Okay. Yeah.
Oh, that's where
Mendelsohn sits.
He's in the bathroom, so...
- Okay.
- And that's McCrary's seat.
- Oh.
- Where is McCrary?
I told everyone
to be here at 8:00.
Oh, he got a call
from his girlfriend,
so it's gonna be a while.
They're actually
newly long-distance,
- and I think it's been really hard for her.
- Has it been?
Has it been hard
for McCrary's girlfriend?
Oh, wow, he must be
such a catch.
- Could you sit down, please?
- Uh, I-I-I want to.
- I'm trying.
- Could you try harder?
Uh, yes.
Oh, okay. I'll just use,
uh, this trash can.
There's... you know, there's
hardly any trash in it at all.
- Excuse me. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Ooh, it's kind of comfortable.
Better than a chair.
- You're Eight.
- What?
Your name is Eight.
- I'm Molly.
- None of this matters.
Why would anyone care
what your name is?
Do none of you understand
what is at stake here?
I am being replaced
as host of this show
because of declining ratings
and general lack of quality.
- Wait, what?
- The show is great.
Let's see them
do 300 shows a year.
What do they expect?
What do they know?
What do you think?
Oh, I think it's horrible.
It's terrible.
It's-it's the worst.
It's... I hate it.
Please stop saying
synonyms for "bad."
Tell me what you think.
If I'm being
completely honest, and...
also acknowledging
how much of a fan
I am of the show
and all of your work,
I think there is room for
a little bit of improvement.
Oh, well, sorry the show
doesn't appeal to
the heightened sensibilities
of you and your friends
at the factory.
It's a chemical plant,
not a factory.
- Whatever.
- Seven's right. It's not the smartest
thing in the world
to come in on your first day
and criticize
a room full of people
who've been doing this
for years, but...
I asked your opinion,
and honestly,
I do not disagree with you.
I've been hearing
a lot of this recently.
Last night, from the person
I know most in the world,
and today, from this person
sitting on a trash can
whom I know the least.
But taking both into account,
the show is bad...
I don't know why...
and I think it's your fault.
I love you, too.
Oh, you must be McCrary.
- Oh, wow.
- How's your girlfriend?
Good. Really good. Yeah,
she just got this new job,
so she's a little emotional.
- She misses me.
- Well, she's gonna be
seeing a lot more of you now,
'cause you're fired.
Could you see him out?
Now, this is what's
gonna happen.
From this moment forth,
none of you has a life.
You have no wives,
no girlfriends, no kids.
You have only this.
You live this show.
You breathe this show.
When you masturbate,
you think about this show.
You're finally going to earn
those big, fat paychecks
that have been paying
for your divorces
and gym memberships
you clearly never use.
Think about
why the show is bad,
and come up with ways
to fix it.
And, Eight, sit on a chair
tomorrow, for God's sake!
Okay.
So...
Can I take
the fired man's seat?
We're all gonna be out of jobs.
I'm gonna have to move
to Long Island City,
probably sell all my clothes.
- Don't be so dramatic.
- Oh, how would you know?
You don't even have
nice clothes.
Okay, it's not
all that surprising.
Any of your friends talk
about the show anymore?
No, it's a relic.
Okay? There's no buzz
- about it at all.
- No. - Hey.
It's not a relic, okay?
She is an icon.
I mean,
it would take them a month
just to remove
all of her Emmys.
Well, you know, who knows?
Maybe Little Miss
Chemical Plant can help us.
Please, don't even
joke about that.
You know what, Reynolds?
Give me one of your Xanaxes.
No, I need all my Xannies
now that I'm in the poorhouse.
Molly Patel!
Molly Patel,
- the quality control specialist.
- Oh, my God.
Hobbies include
ruining our lives.
I don't think she's worked
a day in television.
You know, I think
she's a pathological liar.
I wish I was a woman of color
so I could just get
any job I want
with zero qualifications.
We talked about this.
You can't say that.
Hey, man.
You remember, uh,
Molly from earlier?
Yes. She told everyone
the show was bad.
That's her. You'll be sharing
an office with her.
Brad? Brad. Brad?
This is nice. Who's that?
That's the guy
whose desk you're taking.
He was fired last week.
He was my best friend.
So...
you must be pretty new, too.
You don't have any stuff.
Oh, I-I've been here 27 years.
In case I get fired, I don't
want to get too comfortable.
So, are you gonna tell me
about your day?
It was a bit like
trying to mount
a prison production
of Hamlet.
But at least prisoners
get sunlight
and exercise once a day.
That sounds very promising.
You always worked best
with a captive audience.
Right now it is
a hostile environment
in which to be
an educated white male.
I mean, it's staggering
how unfair it is, okay?
Staggering.
Yeah, they completely
overlooked my brother.
All right.
She's, like, a diversity hire
or something.
Man, she'll be here 13 weeks.
She's, like,
a single mom or something.
Hey.
I'm not a single mom,
by the way.
I just look like one.
And I guess I dress like one.
No, I...
I-I wasn't talking about you.
- Then who were you talking about?
- Uh, my...
cleaning lady.
Your brother lost a job
to your housekeeper?
- Yep.
- Whatever.
Just so you know,
I'd rather be
a diversity hire
than a nepotism hire.
'Cause at least
I had to beat out
every minority and woman
to get here.
You just had to be born.
Hey, you know, one of my
grandparents was an immigrant.
This documentary was insane.
It said, basically,
we're all covered
in, like, tiny bugs and...
- Oh.
- No cupcakes today.
So, Molly, what is your deal?
Well, I am from central
Pennsylvania. I love to laugh.
No, boring.
Like, what do you hate?
What neighborhood do you
live in? Who are you fucking?
Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice.
I live with my aunt
and uncle in Queens.
And I'm not sleeping
with anybody.
- Where'd you go to school?
- Luzerne Community College.
Loser Community College?
- Luzerne.
- Oh, 'cause it really sounded like you said "loser."
- Yeah, but why would I say that?
- Don't listen to them.
I dropped out of high school
and worked at the docks.
That's why I write
so many jokes about seagulls.
So, what is the stage like?
I cannot wait to see it.
We're not allowed on the stage.
Only Brad and Tom.
Yeah,
I'm head monologue writer.
You are? 'Cause you hadn't
mentioned it in ten minutes.
I was worried.
Wait, so you all write
on the show,
and you've never been
to the stage?
Okay. Okay.
This is how it works.
The writers are supposed
- to get here at 10:00.
- Good morning.
I usually get here at 9:00.
Then we go into our offices
and read
the newspaper headlines
for joke ideas.
Some of us are a little more
focused than others.
Then we submit our jokes to
Brad, who makes his selects.
That's what makes it
in the show.
- Here you go.
- I usually get some good stuff in there.
Ah!
Then we meet up
in the writers' room
to go over Brad's selects.
Oh, kiss my ass!
Then at 6:30,
the show starts taping,
and we all watch.
And that is how we make
a TV show.
So you never interact with her
once the entire day?
Until yesterday, most of us
hadn't even met her.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I thought this was
the women's room.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
You're right. It is...
it is the women's room.
We just... we haven't had
a woman here
in, like, ever,
so yeah, we use it.
Doesn't Katherine mind?
You kidding me?
No, she doesn't come in here.
She has her own bathroom.
We actually...
we-we come in here to...
to take a shit.
I don't understand anything
about this job.
Well, you're right about
not being allowed on set.
It's fucked up.
So, why don't you say
something?
Like,
"See Something, Say Something"?
Because it's not
airport security, Molly.
It's a TV show.
And she's not the, uh,
classy role model
you've been watching
on TV for 20 years.
Hey, you know... you know what?
I'm doing stand-up
tomorrow night, all right?
Come see me.
We'll get a drink after.
Okay.
Let's get going, everybody.
One, you're up.
I have an idea entitled
"Hollywood Zoo."
It's animals
that look like celebrities.
- No.
- And... or celebrities that look like animals?
Can I? Okay.
"Shrimp My Ride."
"Fancy Pelosi."
"Celebrity Fitted-Sheet
Folding Challenge."
Yeah, we worked
on that together.
It's where we have you
and a celebrity race
to fold a fitted sheet.
You know what? Forget it.
Can I just remind
everybody here
that the stakes
could not be higher.
- Two, go.
- Uh, okay.
So, the Miss America pageant
and the Westminster Dog Show
are both the same week.
So I thought,
why not combine the two?
We ask the girls
to run around in a circle,
and we ask the dogs
their take on immigration.
Oh, the Miss America pageant.
The scholarship competition
where it's still appropriate
to ask a beautiful teenager
from Tampa
who can't afford college
but who can afford
breast implants
about world peace.
No, we're not gonna be
doing that.
Where's John Phillips?
I want to hear his pitches.
- Um...
- Um...
What?
Uh, John died in 2012.
John's dead?
Are you kidding me?
About the death
of our coworker? No.
Oh, that's terrible.
- He was so funny.
- Yeah.
Eight, what?
First of all,
I'm very sorry for your loss.
He sounded like
an incredible person.
Second, I'm really honored
to be presenting my ideas
here today.
Oh, God, I wish I was
John Phillips.
So, I thought I would
take a step back
and see what wasn't working.
This is what I do
at quality control
at the chemical plant, and I
thought I would do that here.
The headline of my analysis
is "Complacency."
And I noticed that there's
three major areas
where there could be
a lot of improvement.
The first is your
overall unwillingness to do
high-concept recurring bits...
you know, where you have to
physically leave the studio.
Those are the ones that can
go viral if executed well.
The second is your total lack
of presence on social media.
You seem to have contempt
for it, which feels ill-advised
because most of your audience
is watching on their phones.
The third:
I think people get very excited
when you share your beliefs.
So, what you just said
about the Miss America pageant,
that was awesome.
When you reveal those kind
of strong opinions,
it's when you really
come alive as a performer.
That's when I come alive
as a performer?
- Yeah.
- Can I see that?
Absolutely.
I just want to say,
I'm no longer attached
to this idea
in any shape or form.
Thank you so much.
Mm-hmm.
So, what's the solution?
Oh, I don't have one.
Just to be clear, you don't
have any new ideas or jokes?
No.
Okay,
I've been doing this job
for nearly 30 years,
and I know what works.
And I'll tell you
what doesn't work:
an absurdly confident newcomer
coming in, criticizing my show
and giving me her assessment
of my comic persona
without doing the hard work of
presenting me with solutions.
This-this room is a ship.
I am the captain,
and you have barely
earned the right to be an oar.
Do I make myself clear, Eight?
I have not changed.
The audience has changed.
They don't want smart comedy.
They want Kevin Hart
on a Slip 'N Slide,
so let's just give them
what they want.
Who's the most tacky
famous person out there?
Reality star?
No, a YouTube celebrity.
There was one at the club
I was at last night,
and I got trampled.
It was the most glamorous thing
that's ever happened to me
- in my entire life.
- What?
Wait. Come on,
we're-we're not really
considering doing this,
though, right?
- Mimi Mismatch.
- Who?
She is a YouTube star
who does comic sketches
in the basement
of her parents' house.
- Oh, my God.
- Uh, uh, she has
- 25 million Twitter followers.
- Okay.
My daughters are obsessed
with her. She, um...
Just book her,
book her, book her.
Sorry.
I really got to go.
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.
- Or I can... you can...
- I... Okay, okay.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
This has to stop.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just move
back to Pennsylvania.
Can I give you some advice?
You need to shut the fuck up.
Excuse me?
If you hear something
you don't agree with,
you have to resist the urge
to give your opinion.
I will not be marginalized
by the iron fist
of white privilege
that pervades
this work environment.
I am not trying to silence
your strong female Indian
woman of color spirit,
hashtag MeToo,
TransIsBeautiful,
blah, blah, blah.
You're still a new writer
with no experience.
You need to stop giving advice
and write something.
You're a writer, so write.
Okay.
Come on.
You get more work done
on top of the desk
than under it.
- It's gonna be all right.
- Thank you.
...because of a coyote warning.
Not to worry, though...
they managed to get out
in the nick of time.
Beep, beep.
I don't...
I don't understand that.
Meep, meep. Meep, meep.
Burditt, what are they doing?
They're practicing
the monologue.
- It's the Road Runner thing.
- Oh, the Road Runner.
- What, the enemy of Wile E. Coyote?
- Meep, meep.
Yeah, exactly.
Today, while President Bush
underwent a medical procedure,
Vice President Dick Cheney
was acting president
for two hours and 15 minutes,
which is longer than any woman.
That's it. That's the joke.
Okay, so I think we're good
for the monologue
unless I'm, uh,
missing something.
I have some jokes
for the monologue.
Uh, well, you don't write
the monologue.
Yeah, but I wrote
some jokes for it.
And I have some ideas
for Katherine's hair,
but that's not my job.
Seven, shut up.
Eight, for God's sake, go.
I shouldn't do this
in an English accent, should I?
No.
Three Republican senators
are proposing a bill
to yet again defund
Planned Parenthood.
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
are the ones getting laid
the least.
I never thought I'd say this,
but thank God I'm going
through menopause.
Good Lord, Eight.
Well, you're the only
late-night talk-show host
who can make that joke.
Plus, you're pro-choice,
aren't you?
I am. What do you think, Seven?
My philosophy is that the show
is generally better
without the specter
of abortion in it.
But, you know, that's just me.
I think it's audacious.
Do... do people really want
to hear about menopause?
'Cause I-I don't.
I don't know,
I kind of liked it.
No, no, it is too political.
- We don't do that.
- We haven't done that in a while.
Okay, so we'll start
with fracking
and we work our way up
to abortion.
People would talk about it,
for sure. And you believe it.
It's a bit long.
Trim it and put it
in the monologue.
Okay.
...to Vegas,
40 tourists were...
Listen, you've written
it out with 40.
No, not make it bigger.
- Make it wide...
- That's got to be a word.
- Yeah.
- Okay, but don't change it now.
There's no point. Okay.
Today, in Las Vegas,
40 tourists were...
Burditt,
I'm going to the bathroom.
You never have to tell me that.
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
Is that William Butler Yeats?
Oh.
- Uh, yeah, it is.
- You're not supposed to be here.
What?
All right.
Mimi Mismatch is here.
I got a selfie.
Maybe now my daughters
will start talking to me again.
So, you're doing
the Planned Parenthood joke?
- Mm-hmm.
- Be careful of showing who you are.
Once you turn that switch on,
you can never
turn it off again.
Katherine Newbury.
Yeah.
And I have not seen anyone
so poorly received
since I took
a peanut butter sandwich
into an elementary school.
It was announced today
Starbucks will no longer
be requiring a purchase
to use their restrooms.
Oh, no. I'm worried
they might get disgusting.
My joke's next.
Yeah.
So, there's an owl that's been
dive-bombing tourists
- in Times Square.
- She skipped it.
Very dramatic.
Not the only species
angry about the price
of Hamilton tickets, I see.
We're back. I'm excited.
I'm here with YouTube
phenomenon Mimi Mismatch.
And the bit that launched you
into superstardom, really,
was you with your dog...
Lenny. Here he is.
And you sniffing his butt,
sniffing Lenny's butt,
and you pretend to faint.
Because it smelled real bad.
Yeah.
And, um, how on earth
did you come up with that?
My dog Lenny had colitis
and, for a while,
had a real smelly butt.
So I took my life,
and I filmed it,
because I find that the
best comedy comes from truth.
How wise.
And these little videos
of yours
are your, as it were,
contribution to the world?
Your way of pushing
mankind forward?
Well, they're fun.
What would you say
was your calling?
My calling?
Yes, I mean, what is it
you're most passionate about?
Is it dog butt videos,
or would you ever expand
into... cat butt videos, say?
I know what you're doing.
- Excuse me?
- You're mocking me.
You think that because
my videos are light and silly
that I'm somehow
intellectually inferior to you?
The only reason that I said yes
to this talk show
is because my mom said
you were smart.
But now I see that you are just
a bitter, out of touch,
- old lady who's mean to people she's...
- Go, go.
- ...never even met before.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
And the fact of the matter is...
is that you need me,
not the other way around.
Bye.
Uh, I don't know.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Did you not prep her?
- Who here is good at sex?
- Yeah!
Oh, all right, okay.
Now, I think
that we're all about the same.
All right? 'Cause the truth is
there are like ten sex acts.
And-and if you're... if you're
an average American guy,
you only need to do
the first five.
That thought is
entering your head:
"I'm gonna go to six.
I'm going..."
Especially you.
Do not go to six.
'Cause everybody's number six
is different.
What was your favorite part?
You assumed I had one?
Yeah. I was watching you,
and you liked it.
I did like it.
I-I like how relaxed you are.
Like you're not doing it
for them.
You know,
you're doing it for you.
I've never been relaxed
a day in my life.
No, I know,
you're the hardest worker
I've ever met, besides Tom.
Which is probably why
he's so threatened by you.
Well, he shouldn't be.
Katherine cut my joke.
It was so embarrassing.
I told my mom to watch.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
That's like guaranteeing
that they cut your joke.
Also, um, get ready for this.
Like, you'll spend all day
writing 50 jokes,
and they'll cut all of them,
and you will have achieved
as much as if you just stayed
at home and called in sick.
Okay.
- So let me get this straight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Never use the women's restroom.
- Mm-hmm.
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't decorate your office.
And be fine being completely obsolete.
So just don't enjoy your job.
- Uh, exactly. Yeah.
- Oh.
Oh, Tom tells me
you do stand-up.
- Are you good?
- Oh, no.
No, it's just a way for me
to test out material.
I am emceeing a show soon.
It's a benefit for lung cancer.
That's random.
Not really.
My dad died from it.
Oh, fuck.
Uh, were you close?
- With my father?
- Well...
Yeah, I was. I was.
- Now I feel I bad.
- Fuck. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
Do you need a-a good-looking,
moderately funny stand-up
to-to close out the night?
- Wait, really?
- Do you know any?
That would be amazing.
Why would you do that for me?
Because I'm a nice guy.
Okay, I know you're not.
Look, I know what everyone
thinks of me.
But just because I was
lucky enough to get this job
doesn't mean I'm stupid enough
to lose it.
So, if you think
you can sleep with me
'cause you're not gonna see me
after three months,
you're mistaken.
Who said anything
about sleeping together?
Okay.
Thank you.
I had a nice time.
"Thank you"?
Wait, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
Come over.
Oh. No.
No. Thank you. Thank you.
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
Uh, yeah, no, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We-we can do this dance.
- Dance?
- Yeah.
You won't sleep with me now,
but you will in three weeks.
That's... I get it.
It's a feminist thing.
Are you kidding?
Has this ever worked before?
Oh, no.
What?
The Mimi interview
went viral in a bad way.
You are just a bitter,
out of touch, old lady
who's mean to people she's
never even met before, and...
The Mimi thing will blow over.
Am I like
your least favorite aunt?
All my aunts are dead.
I need a publicist.
Making you accessible
to the average American...
that's what I do best.
I told Leo, "You want an Oscar?
Fight a bear."
You're not above
the American public
or looking down at them.
You are one of them.
You're America's sweetheart, baby.
But you got to put in face time
with these journalists,
because they don't want to talk
to me, and they certainly
don't want to talk to Brad.
No offense.
Yeah, no, no. None taken.
I've been told
I have no charisma.
Exactly.
So, what if we threw a party
at your house
and invited the press?
They could see you
in your element.
You are not some cold witch
who hates children.
You're cozy and domestic.
- I don't entertain.
- You're an entertainer.
- I'm bad at small talk.
- You're a talk-show host.
- I'm not a people person.
- Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.
If you want to turn
this ship around,
you're gonna have to be.
How do you feel
about extensions?
Holy shit, honey.
Oh, what am I doing here?
That's right. What's up, baby?
- Yes. Blah...
- Hey, Daniel.
Daniel, you're funny, man.
Is that, um,
that comedian, Daniel...
- Daniel Tennant.
- Hmm.
Billy Kastner's done
amazing things with his career.
"You're welcome, America."
Oh.
We're gonna get you
some face time.
You got to just,
you know, be cool about it.
Steve Martin gave it to her.
Costs more than my apartment.
It's so beautiful.
Mm.
Is that a tag?
Hmm? No.
- Well...
- Oh, God.
Fuck.
Um, what are you doing
after this?
I don't know.
But I w-will keep you posted.
- Hello.
- Oh, God.
- I thought you could use this.
- Oh, I could.
I have never fake-smiled
so much in my life.
- Is it obvious?
- Very. Yeah.
It's-it's the same smile
you had
when you lost your first Emmy
to John Oliver.
- Thank you so much for reminding me.
- Yeah.
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Yeah.
I was... yeah, I was
wondering if I'd get a...
- a chance to talk to you alone.
- Stop it, Charlie.
It was a mistake,
and it'll never happen again.
And that's how I got involved
in that charity.
I'm gonna go talk
to some other people.
- Oh! - Oh, God.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I just got this blazer.
I need it for "Lampoon" hazing
next week.
Hayes, remember Molly?
Yes. Hey, I'm so happy
that you got that job.
It's really cool they did that.
- It's important.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's important
that they hire the funniest,
most qualified people, too.
Damn it.
Can I help you?
Uh, sorry, I just thought
this was an empty room.
Why were you looking
for an empty room?
Uh, just to be alone
for a minute.
Not to steal anything.
Uh, although you have a lot
of really nice stuff in here.
I'm not a thief, though.
My name is Molly.
Hello, Molly,
who's not a thief.
I know who you are, by the way.
You're Walter Lovell.
It's such an honor to meet you.
You were one of the greats.
"Were." Jesus Christ.
Oh, no, no.
No, I mean, you're still
amazing.
I mean, aren't you
a professor emeritus at NYU?
"Emeritus" is what
they call you
when you're not dead yet
but they don't want you
to come in.
I actually know
what that's like.
I write on the show.
Your wife doesn't like me
very much.
- Mm.
- Why aren't you downstairs
with the rest of the party?
I think people have
a better time
when they don't have to pretend
they don't notice me twitching.
It's called neuropathy.
One of the symptoms
of Parkinson's disease.
A piece of advice:
don't marry a man
until he gives you
a complete genetic profile.
Luckily for me, there is
literally no interest
from any man.
About Katherine:
Be useful.
Make it so that
even if she doesn't like you,
she needs you.
If it's okay with you,
I'd like to stay here
a little while
and just listen to you play.
All right.
You have said "the only true
meritocracy is in comedy."
Indeed, yes.
I mean, it doesn't matter
where you're from,
what you look like,
how much money
your parents have.
Funny is funny,
and that's meritocracy.
As long as you're white,
male and from
an elite college, right?
Because that's all your
writing staff is comprised of.
I write on the show.
And I definitely didn't go
to a fancy college.
Tell me, does Katherine
know your name?
I heard she refers
to the writers by number.
I am called Eight.
Because Katherine said
she couldn't be bothered
to learn
everyone's name, so she just
pointed at the writers
and shouted numbers
and named me Eight.
Yeah, she also keeps us
in cages and doesn't feed us.
But she does let us
go to the bathroom once a day.
No, of course she knows
our names.
My name is Molly.
You have some bad information.
Yes, you do.
This is, of course, Molly.
- Hi. Hello, Brad.
- Everybody, let's make some room.
Mm...
One of the writers, everybody.
- Hi.
- How would you describe Molly?
Molly? Molly...
Molly is...
She said I was
the vibrant splash of color
on the gray canvas
of our writing staff.
I was really touched.
- Mm.
- And then she said something to me
- that I will never forget.
- Mm-hmm.
She said to me that,
despite our very different
backgrounds,
that I reminded her
- of a younger her.
- Younger me.
Isn't that wonderful?
I mean...
- Huge.
- Mm...
You know what? Everybody's
gonna want to get this.
Let's get a picture
of Katherine and her beautiful
Indian protégée...
- Molly.
- Molly.
Oh. You guys getting that?
Thank you.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Oh, I think it's going
beautifully.
Mm-hmm.
You haven't killed anybody yet.
Nope.
But it's still early.
You want to come over?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, excuse me.
Thank you.
Oh.
Three weeks. Right on time.
Wait, really?
No, I just set that
before I came over.
- Very funny. Very, very funny.
- Come on.
Billy Kastner.
- Hey.
- I guess everybody can get
invited to this party.
Uh, I would like
to introduce you two
to Danny Tennant.
- Danny, Walter Lovell.
- Hey, man.
How you doing, Walter?
- And, of course...
- Wow.
- Katherine Newbury.
- Wow.
Classiest couple
in New York City
since Diane Sawyer
and Mike Nichols.
Danny here...
very funny, very famous,
and currently,
every female coed
in the United States
wants to lose
- their virginity to him.
- Stop. That's... Just half.
- Well, that's gonna keep you busy.
- Mm.
And, Katherine, I'm sorry,
I have to say, I am such a fan.
I mean, you were such an
inspiration for me growing up.
And your comedy is so smart.
You know, I'll-I'll be watching
your show, and I have to, like,
look up half the words you say.
That's so kind.
Did you take a shit
in anyone's shoes yet?
- Um...
- You know, from your stand-up.
When you're at parties,
you like to take a shit
in other people's shoes.
That's from the special.
You saw the special.
- Yeah, well...
- Remember that?
Diarrhea!
Did you enjoy talking
to my writing staff?
- Yes. Talented guys.
- They are.
Charlie Fain, especially.
So, Danny, what's next for you?
Prank show on MTV?
Or an arena tour
sponsored by an energy drink?
No, I think, actually,
I'm gonna take
a little bit of time off,
you know,
and work on some new material
and just kind of kick around
some new ideas and stuff.
You're at the height
of your stand-up career,
and you're stopping
to kick around ideas?
Yeah.
Oh.
Daniel Tennant?!
You're replacing me
with Daniel fucking Tennant?!
We're in negotiations with him.
Thank you, Margaret.
You cannot do this.
We are working
on something back there.
- You have to give us a chance.
- You had a chance.
That's what ten years
of ratings decline is.
Look, you can make it easy
for yourself.
You can welcome him in,
make it seem like
you were part of the decision.
Or it can be hard.
The choice is
entirely up to you.
Believe me,
I take no pleasure in this.
Oh, for God's sake,
do me the courtesy
of at least not lying
to my face.
Fine. I take a
great deal of pleasure in this.
Katherine, did you ever wonder
if I think you're funny?
No.
Do you think I should think
you're funny,
as president of the network
you're on?
I've seen six presidents
of this network
come and go
while I've been here.
Somalian fucking warlords
have more job stability.
You didn't answer my question.
If you're asking me if I've
ever respected your taste,
then the answer, Caroline,
is no.
And if you want
to replace me with a meme...
a T-shirt of a man
who hides his xenophobia
and, by the way,
his hatred of women
behind a congenial
frat-boy persona...
just to make yourself
seem relevant,
then, by all means,
you go ahead.
But I will not allow you to
destroy the show that I built.
You know what's funny?
You remember how kids
used to have those, like,
little games in their pocket.
We passed on that.
Oh.
Where are you going?
Oh, uh, Four and I have
that charity comedy event.
- I'm the emcee.
- Well, you're not going.
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
It starts in 30 minutes,
and there would be no one
to replace me.
And who's going to be
replacing you here?
Look around the room...
all these guys are staying.
Four's not going.
- Molly, it's not worth it.
- I would listen to that.
That's pretty good advice.
I have stayed late
every single night this month.
It's for a charity.
- I'm sorry, I'm very torn.
- Well, you shouldn't be torn,
and you shouldn't be letting me
know that you're torn.
You can't just download
your emotional state onto me
and hope that your honesty
will somehow exonerate you.
"Upload."
What?
Uh, it's-it's
"upload your emotional state."
So, if, um...
if you take something
off the Internet,
that's "download."
If you put something on,
that's "upload."
So, like, if this conversation
were the Internet...
- Shut up, Seven. What the fuck?
- Yeah.
Eight, if you leave,
don't come back.
I made a commitment.
I'm sorry.
Okay. Okay.
- Okay, so...
- Yeah, continue.
Hey, hey, hey.
Give me the lineup.
Thank you.
Okay, so...
okay, so here's the pitch.
You are a pirate.
It's 1860s.
Yeah, no, look,
I mean, that's, like,
well, if it's, like she's got
- the parrot on her shoulder...
- Right.
My day sucked.
I was fired from my job.
No, yeah.
Really, really,
like 15 minutes ago.
I was actually fired for coming
here to be with you guys.
And now, looking out
in the audience,
I'm not sure
I made the right decision.
No, but really,
I got fired, and, um,
I didn't think
that was possible.
I mean, look at me, guys.
Look. I am a dark-skinned
Indian woman.
Aren't I un-fireable?
I mean, I'm a token,
for God's sakes. You don't...
Why is this for lung cancer?
I think the emcee girl's dad
died from it.
- Who's the emcee?
- I think she works at Colbert.
- She works for me.
- See, now
I'm convincing myself that
I-I should've been fired.
Thank you so much for being here, and thank you
for coming out
for this great cause.
Let's keep it going.
Our next performer is...
Our next performer, uh, uh...
Okay, this is surprising
for a-a variety of reasons.
Our next performer is
Katherine Newbury, everyone.
Thanks.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Now shut up.
So, I joined Twitter.
I didn't want to.
My publicist made me.
And...
I was okay at first.
I was... with the twittering
and the tweeting,
but do you know
where it lost me?
Fave-ing. Fave-ing.
Because "fave" is short
for "favorite," right?
But you can only have
one favorite.
You can only have one.
You can't have lots
of favorites. It's stupid.
F-Faves. Faves.
They can't all be
your favorite.
It's stupid.
Lot of Twitter fans
in the audience tonight, I see.
So, that's not working.
Well, shit, guys.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I guess that's why
they're taking my show
away from me.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
Yeah, that's happening.
They're taking my show away,
and the thing is...
The thing is,
if they take my show away,
I do not know
what I am going to do.
I am a woman in my 50s
in Hollywood.
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
In Hollywood,
what am I going to do?
You know what? I've got it.
I could play
Sean Penn's grandmother
in the movie where he
is married to Emma Stone.
His childhood sweetheart.
It's so unfair.
I mean, Tom Cruise
is the same age as me.
We're the same age.
He gets to fight the Mummy.
I am the Mummy.
You know what? No, no, no.
I'm too old to play the Mummy.
They'd get Anne Hathaway in
to play the Mummy
and put, like,
Mummy makeup on her.
I'm probably gonna have to have
a facelift
just to do voice work.
I'm gonna have to have, like,
Botox and lip filler
just to play the voice of a
wise old tree in a Pixar movie.
You know when you're watching
an awards show, and they play
people off with music?
You know, when they've gone on
for too long?
I feel like that's what they're
doing to my life right now.
They're just,
"Get off. Time to die.
"Just fuck off.
"Take that old face
and just go.
"Go sit.
Go sit in the dark somewhere.
"You remind us all
of our ex-wives.
Yeah. The older ones."
Thank you. Yeah.
I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.
Thank you, Dee, so very much.
- Get in the car.
- Okay.
She's coming back.
She's coming back!
Come on, come on, you guys.
Don't push me. Don't push me.
She's coming back.
- Uh, um...
- Uh...
Hey, hey. Look who's back.
Oh, my God.
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is my fault.
You were too scared to tell me
what you really think,
and I think I was too scared
to hear the truth.
I am the only woman in
late-night network television,
but I have been doing the same
format and the same jokes...
hell, even the same cadences...
as some of these other guys.
So, what are you saying?
You want more jokes
about female issues?
No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you
to write me a tight five
on menstruation.
I just want to say only things
I can talk about.
Nothing is off-limits.
If you think it's funny,
I don't care
how personal it is.
I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman
who has never given birth
or seen a superhero film.
Write to that.
You cannot offend me.
If you don't know enough
about me, come and talk to me.
I swear I will not
scream at you.
I want it to be specific,
and I want it to be political.
I'm gonna do the abortion joke
tomorrow, and, Seven,
she's writing monologue jokes
with you.
Uh... sorry, I'm not
a screenwriting course
at the JFK Radisson.
I can't teach a total novice
how to write jokes overnight.
No. I hate
to break this to you, Seven,
but you're not gonna be
teaching anything,
because I want someone
who doesn't think in exactly
the same way as everyone else
in the goddamn room.
So she's writing
monologue jokes with you.
Listen to me,
no matter what you hear...
online, from your agents,
wherever...
believe only this:
This is my show,
and I'm not going
fucking anywhere.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
We've got a great show
for you tonight.
More good news from Washington.
Three Republican senators
have yet again proposed
a bill to defund
Planned Parenthood.
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
are the ones getting laid
the least.
I never thought I'd say this,
but thank God
I'm going through menopause.
What exactly is wrong
with my bits?
To be honest,
you're a little old
and a little white.
Okay. Those are facts.
What the fuck can I do
about that?
So, recently,
someone accused me of being,
quote, "a little bit old
and a little bit white."
To which I responded:
"I'm very old and very white."
I never do things halfway.
But what can a person like me
do about that?
If I try and fix it,
I can come across
as trying to be some sort
of white savior.
Then I decided
I was okay with that,
so let me introduce you
to a new series on Tonight:
"Katherine Newbury:
White Savior."
My name is Katherine Newbury.
Do you watch my show?
- No.
- Nah.
Okay.
Well, that's demoralizing.
Could you tell me if there's
been any instance recently
where you feel that you've been
treated differently
because of the way you look?
- Yeah.
- I feel like I can never hail a cab.
You feel like you can
never hail a cab?
Let's see what we can do
about that.
Here we go. Ah.
Hey, um...
I actually didn't need
to go anywhere.
That doesn't matter.
This is how white saviors work.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't understand
why people wouldn't want
to get to know about
great journalists and writers.
Because that shit is boring.
This is a comedy show.
And now your host,
Katherine Newbury.
Now, you are in a show
about teen vampires
called Van Helsing Prep.
And you play a character
called Lydia Stoker.
I can see they did a lot...
a lot of research for this.
It's-it's silly.
Whatever. It's for teens.
She actually seems very smart.
...even though
she's always in a bikini,
- which doesn't even really make sense.
- I'd watch that show.
- I'll start to watch that show.
- Mm-hmm.
Kind of a guilty pleasure?
Well, you know what I think?
There's no such thing
as guilty pleasures...
only pleasures...
and I think Van Helsing Prep
is a real pleasure.
You've seen it?
Yes. And your character
is reminiscent
of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.
I... What I mean is
that it is, um...
it's very hard to pull off.
Thank you so much
for saying that.
I mean, I haven't seen every episode.
Can I hug you?
I... Sorry?
Hug you?
- She wants to hug you.
- Yeah.
- Hug her.
- Yeah.
Um, yeah, sure.
Heavens to Betsy.
Th-th-there, there, there.
There, there.
Hey.
Burditt's outside smoking.
No, I came to talk to you
about a bit.
Katherine helps people
complain about a messed-up
Meal Kwik order?
I don't even know
if it's a thing yet,
but do you want to work
on it with me?
- With me?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah, of course, of course.
Please. Come in. Welcome.
- I'll-I'll go get a chair.
- Yeah.
Or even, like,
a trash can or whatever.
Very funny.
One of the best parts
about being a celebrity
is that if you complain about
something on social media,
the company actually
takes care of it
because they're scared
of bad publicity.
Nobody cares
if your flight gets canceled,
but if Chrissy Teigen's does,
watch out.
So, I've decided to file
your grievances for you.
So, millennial,
how did you feel
when your burger arrived
without fries?
I-I forgot about it,
and then I saw you
on the street,
and you asked me...
Devastated. Devastated.
We're so happy we avenged you.
Great. Great.
Enjoy your fries, everyone.
"Playful viral bits
and an overall
more engaged demeanor."
- Uh-huh.
- "Tonight with Katherine Newbury
is becoming a must-see
once again!"
Now, tell me how you feel
you're treated differently
because of the way you look.
- Yeah...
- Something small, not systemic.
There's nothing I can do
about getting you
approved for a bank loan.
Into the cab, into the cab.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
No, don't wait up.
Okay, yeah, I love you.
It's all good.
I'm proud of you, Katie.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Katherine Newbury.
Now, let me ask,
does anyone in the audience
suffer from depression?
No? Nobody?
I can't really be the only one.
Well, I guess depressed people
aren't really
the call-and-response type.
Now, schizophrenics,
on the other hand, they're...
they're all like,
"Here, here, here."
And that's just one person.
Speaking of depression,
this week for me
has been a total series
of disasters.
It's late.
It's been
particularly irritating.
You should be going home.
Were you really depressed?
Or was it just part of the act?
I'm sorry?
I've watched this stand-up
so many times
when I was growing up, and...
it always made me feel better.
You know, like,
she's talking about it,
and she's being so funny, so...
I must not be weird
for feeling this way.
Yes, I was.
Depressed.
I still am.
Come with me.
And here we are.
Oh, my God.
How many Emmys do you have?
And a Golden Globe?
You were knighted?
You're Dame Katherine Newbury?
Mm-hmm.
"Knight" sounds so much better
than "Dame," though,
doesn't it?
"Knight"
is Lancelot and romance,
"Dame" just the old bag
who takes too long
in the grocery checkout line.
Wow.
Burditt is a baby
in this photo.
That was the first year
we won the Emmy.
It was good stuff back then.
Oh, that must be Tom's dad...
I-I mean Seven's dad.
Must be nice to inherit a job
from your father.
You know, he's not terrible
just 'cause he's privileged.
If his very worst qualities
are elitism and snobbery,
that's not really
all that bad, is it?
Yeah, well, he thinks
I'm a diversity hire.
You are a diversity hire.
What?
You think no one ever
accused me of sleeping
my way to the top?
I mean, the point is,
you're here.
And if you want people
to see you as something
other than a diversity hire,
you have to make them.
It's not fair,
but it never is for women.
I want you to know that you
have changed my life forever.
- No, look...
- And I want...
No. I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, but...
your earnestness can be
very hard to be around.
God, why can't I express
my admiration for you?
Because successful people
hate their own admirers,
and we're suspicious
of people who compliment us.
That's horrible.
How do you have any friends?
I don't think I have any.
Ah, it's getting late.
I have bad news.
For sweeps, they...
want you to introduce Tennant
as your replacement.
We tried.
I was watching
Game of Thrones.
And I'm watching
with my girlfriend, right?
And she's like, "Oh, my God.
"This is so unfair.
"All the women are nude,
but, like,
none of the men are nude."
So I whipped out my nuts.
And she's like,
"Oh, my God, balls!"
And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?"
Yeah, but that other one
got cut, right?
Uh, we can cut it,
and we can put this in there
- in its place, so if, um...
- Okay.
- Oh, good.
- So, if we're running long,
- we can end on the Supreme Court joke.
- Okay. Yeah.
- And if not, then we have two more cards ready to go.
- Here.
- Okay.
- All right. So, why don't we, uh, I don't know...
Okay, I just have to say...
no, no, I-I need to say...
that you don't have to do this.
Stop.
Listen to me.
You need to do this.
Introducing Tennant
is the classy move.
You make it look like
it was your decision.
I mean, it's-it's the best
we can do.
No, it's not.
This is your show.
It's an expression
of who you are.
Is handing the show over
to Daniel Tennant who you are?
I have to prepare.
That's not cool.
Hey. Hey!
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
Okay.
You can't tell her
stuff like that.
They made a decision, Molly.
Now it's our job...
our-our actual job...
to find a way for our boss
to tell America
that she's stepping down
and to do it in a way
that makes her look classy
and smart,
and for all of us
to save a little face.
Yes, saving face:
the most important pillar
in the WASP handbook to life.
Oh, okay. There's no pillars
in a handbook,
so get your metaphors straight.
And do you think we want her
to give the show
to a douche like Tennant, no,
but we don't go rogue
and just say anything we feel.
That's not how things work.
You know what?
Fuck how things work.
If I cared how things work,
I wouldn't have this job.
Which would be
absolutely fantastic.
Do I remind you of a girlfriend
that dumped you or something?
Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long
string of failed relationships
with semi-talented women
who overdress for work.
It must be so hard for you.
What?
That we have the same job.
Not the same job, Molly.
You write jokes
for the monologue.
- I'm the head monologue writer.
- Whatever, Seven.
Walk into a dead end... that's
a... that's a great finish.
Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep.
No, no, you showed me.
Walking into-into a closet.
That's great.
And in five,
four, three, two...
Katherine Newbury.
Now, there are some rumors
out there
that you might be
replacing me.
Uh, well, uh...
you're a legend, okay?
I would be beyond honored.
Thank you.
The thing is, I...
I don't want to go.
I get it. I mean, who would
want to leave here, right?
Your name's on the drum.
Hey, give it up for
Katherine Newbury, y'all.
Make some noise!
Thank you for the noise.
I find myself in a genuinely
strange position, though,
because I truly
do not want to go.
- Do you want me to go?
- No!
Uh, we all wish
she could stay, right?
I mean...
Right.
You really wish I could stay?
Sure. Yeah.
You really mean it?
Yeah. Yes.
Well, you know what, Daniel?
I'll stay.
But only because you really,
really want me to.
Thank you, Daniel.
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate!
You're welcome, America.
Well, that's...
- Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
- If you agree with me,
why don't you show me
some love on Twitter.
We have to take a break.
We'll see you back here
shortly.
You did great.
- I got this.
- What was that, man?
That sucked. We're done.
Did you enjoy that?
'Cause now you're fucked.
I don't know, Billy,
I think it really
shook the dust off this place.
Don't you?
Now get the fuck off my stage.
She did what?
Oh, oh, another thing.
I'm part of, um, um,
something called a hashtag
in which over half
a million people
participated or liked it or did
whatever they do with it.
I don't know.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
You were spectacular.
Walter, I'm not afraid
of Billy Kastner.
And you shouldn't be.
I'm going to open a champagne.
Hi.
- Hey.
- So, to celebrate
the single best day
of my professional career,
I thought I would surprise you
with vodka and with cupcakes.
Cupcakes are for me.
The vodka's for you.
Uh, actually,
the vodka's for me, too,
if I'm being completely honest.
You should call
before you come over.
Yeah, but where's
the fun in that?
I know, but I-I can't tonight.
Do you have someone over?
Oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.
- No, no.
- Oh, this fucking sucks.
- Oh, God. Oh...
- No, no. Molly.
Molly. Molly.
- I think we should get a drink.
- Yeah.
We should drink and maybe
talk about "73 Questions."
- Yes.
- Hey.
Uh, Molly, uh...
Molly, you want to
- go somewhere and talk?
- No, thanks.
- Come on, Molly.
- You should ask someone else.
Maybe it won't take you
three weeks to fuck them.
Hey.
So, that was the other shoe.
What?
The other shoe dropping...
with Charlie.
Oh, no, I really don't want
to talk to you about this.
- Can I tell you a story?
- No, thanks.
All right, so the summer
after freshman year,
Charlie and I saved up
all of our money
to go to Pearl Jam
in Chicago, right?
And it was gonna be
this epic road trip.
The drive out was pretty great.
We just got high every day.
We laughed a lot.
We even got these matching
compass tattoos on our thighs.
Anyway, we get there,
I go to get a T-shirt
at the merch stand,
I come back, and he's gone.
Gone?
What do you mean, gone?
He met a girl, left with her.
I never saw him again.
I mean, you saw him again
later that night?
- I never saw him again that summer.
- That is horrible.
Why are you still friends
with him?
Well, I know that you
wouldn't be, right?
No, you're too principled
for that.
Teach you that at the factory?
It's a chemical plant.
All right. Look.
When you work with someone
that you've known for 18 years,
you can either be best friends
or mortal enemies.
I mean, you can't be
lifelong acquaintances.
Mortal enemies just felt like
a lot more work.
- You still have that tattoo?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Compass points
right to my balls.
It's fucking horrible.
I-I don't want to wear it.
That's all.
No, I get that. I do.
- Let me explain, though.
- It's stupid.
No, no, no,
but the bit is the idea
- that you're a pirate that everybody knows.
- Katherine.
- Katherine. Katherine.
- This...
- Uh, sorry.
- What?
Oh, my God.
Okay.
We don't...
we don't have to do the hook.
Hey. I got your McNuggets.
But I'm not gonna lie...
I had a few.
Look at this.
No. It can't be true.
It's not possible.
They hacked his e-mail.
It has to be true.
He hasn't returned
any of my calls.
And why Charlie?
- Why him?
- Because he's hot.
Do you think
it should have been you?
No, I don't.
And, by the way, looks and fame
aren't everything.
They're definitely everything.
Guys, can we not be glib
about this, please?
I mean, I thought
she really loved Walter.
- She does love him.
- The line is:
- "In sickness or in health."
- And you know what?
People always make those vows
in health,
so let's cut her some slack.
Let's get back to work.
Katherine Newbury is
in the news for allegedly
carrying on an affair
with a much younger man
who, uh, also happens to be
an employee of hers.
Did you see this?
I guess she took
the advice to get
more of the younger male
demographic to heart.
This is Walter.
Leave a message.
Walter, please call me back.
I need to see you.
Katherine?
Oh, my God.
Open a window, for God's sakes.
It happened three years ago.
Walter had just been diagnosed,
and he was so depressed
and angry,
and I got angry with him
for being angry,
and Charlie was so warm
and funny and persistent and...
and gorgeous.
It's hard when there's
someone that gorgeous
just knocking about.
Just a couple of months,
but I've regretted it
every single second since.
You know what? It actually...
it doesn't matter,
because I-I've been working
on the monologue,
and I think we have
an opportunity
to really say something here.
I'm not addressing it.
- What?
- No, we'll go dark for a week,
and then I'll come back on,
and I won't mention it.
And then, in a month,
I'll be gone.
You'll be gone?
Why are you doing that?
Because of my complete
and utter humiliation
in the eyes of
the American public, maybe?
No. You're being demonized,
Katherine,
- and it's not fair.
- It is fair.
I should be demonized.
I'm Katherine Newbury.
I stand for excellence
without compromise.
I fucked up.
I don't deserve the show.
- I think that you're wrong.
- You...
with over two months
experience in television.
I get it. You are ashamed
of what you did,
and you don't want to face it,
but everybody makes mistakes.
You need to talk about it.
I need to talk about it?
You know, what's so fascinating
about your generation is...
your obsession with catharsis.
It's so narcissistic.
In fact, we might as well
just go ahead
and call it catharcissism.
Where, for some reason,
just because
you confess something publicly,
you automatically get
redemption.
Well, I'm not gonna
play that trick.
I owe it to him,
and I owe it to me.
And that's
what's called backbone.
That's what's...
that's what's known as grit.
You want to talk to me
about grit?
I don't have any friends.
I don't come
from a rich family.
I didn't have a man whisk me
away when I was 20 years old
and tell me that I was
beautiful and a genius.
And guess what...
I'm probably not a genius.
And this show...
this is all I have.
So fuck you for giving it up.
You are selfish,
and you are scared,
and you have deluded yourself
into thinking
that is somehow the moral
high ground, but it's not.
Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore,
because you no longer work
for me.
You're fired.
You know, it's funny.
You know everything about me,
and I don't even think
about you.
Bye-bye.
Look, please don't make fun
of where I live.
I know it sucks.
No, it's cool.
It's like you're in
witness protection
and your secret identity
is an elderly Indian woman.
Good amount of glitter.
I like the ponies.
So, are you super excited about
getting your first period?
Oh, come on, man.
Wait, are you...?
Oh, please don't do that.
Okay? I-I'm not...
I'm not good with...
I'm not good with that.
It's-it's not what I do.
I just got fired after working
less than three months
on the job of my dreams.
Now I have to go back
to Pennsylvania
and work in a factory.
Thought it was
a chemical plant.
It's basically the same thing.
Come on.
You're not going back there.
Who will hire me?
I'm such a fucking loser.
I make such a bad
first impression on people.
Well, there is some truth
to that, but, I mean...
I hate everybody,
and you made me like you, so...
Honestly, you just need
to stop being such a pussy.
Hey, that was
incredibly offensive.
Maybe, but, I mean,
it's also pretty true.
What? You can't give up
just 'cause Katherine Newbury
was mean to you.
Come on, suck it up. Okay?
Stay in New York.
Get a... different apartment.
Not this one. Anything
but this one, honestly.
- O-Okay.
- Okay? And find another show to work on.
You're too good, Molly.
Do you really think that?
You know how hard it is for me
to compliment people,
so just don't make me
say it again.
Good luck. Yeah?
Oh, you-you can leave that.
I kind of like it.
I'm on Zillow,
and in your price range,
you can't really afford
to live anywhere nice.
Okay, well,
where can I afford to live?
SoGo? It's the neighborhood
south of Gowanus.
Remember on the news?
They found that corpse there.
God, Parvati,
how is that helpful?
So, you left
after ten weeks, huh?
I was fired.
Yeah, I figured.
I was just trying to be polite.
I wasn't a good
personality match with my boss.
What is she like, anyway?
Because she's nice to me
at the Emmys,
but I can also tell on her face
that niceness
is very hard for her.
She was the least compassionate
person I've ever met.
She could be so casually cruel,
all in the name
of excellence and efficiency.
Sounds like
a laid-back place to work.
I thought your jokes
were really good.
And yet, every morning,
I would wake up
with this yearning
to impress her, you know?
Like, somehow,
if I could make her laugh,
that meant that I was reaching
my greatest potential.
So, anyways, your jokes...
God, and the sound
of her laugh,
it would just light up
the whole room.
It was like a thousand
church bells.
It was incredible.
Well, I want to hire you,
but if you ever want to say
something like that again,
it should definitely be...
to a therapist.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I-I would never...
I would never say that
about you.
- Yeah, no, please don't.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much. Wow.
Fans on social media
are all wondering
whether Katherine Newbury
will announce her retirement
tomorrow night.
This comes after weeks
of mostly tabloid reporting
on her alleged
extramarital affair
and her pointed silence
on the matter.
This caps off one of
the most interesting seasons
in late-night television
in recent years.
Dogs with, like, people names?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
No, it's fine.
- You need help with the speech?
- No, no.
I'm sure you've all got
something lined up after this.
I just came to say thank you.
Brad.
Tom.
Mancuso. Reynolds.
Burditt.
Mendelsohn. Weber.
Six.
How did John Phillips die?
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
I remember being
so hard on him.
You gave him a job.
I wasn't nice to him.
We're not here
because you're nice.
We're here because you're good.
She cried.
And thanked us.
- What?
- It was crazy.
When she said my name,
I almost got an erection.
Look, I really think
you should watch
the show later.
I mean, you worked
so hard on this.
Tom, go to work.
I'll talk to you later.
All right, all right.
Bye.
- Walter.
- Yeah.
I'd like to see you.
Okay.
Oh, but
there's press at the house.
Um, I'll think of somewhere.
When I left my wife and family
for a beautiful young
English girl,
they told me
there would be karma.
That I would pay for it.
And then...
years passed,
and nothing happened.
And I thought, "Well...
I'm the luckiest bastard
alive."
I guess I was wrong.
It's hard enough for me
to live with a disease
that's probably going
to kill me
without knowing
that the woman I love...
...decided one night,
instead of staying at home
with her invalid husband,
she would rather fuck
a comedian.
I want to say...
it didn't mean anything...
...but it meant everything
because it hurt you.
Yes, it did.
I know.
The thing is...
you can't just take away
one terrible thing you did
any more than you can take away
the million beautiful things
that we had together.
That's a million to one.
If you can live with that ratio
for another few years...
...then so can I.
But I'm not here
as your husband.
I'm here as a man
who has advised you
your entire adult life.
Are you sure that you're making
the right decision
about the show?
If it's over in one year
or ten years,
what's the difference?
It'll be over.
And what did I leave behind?
No... friends or children,
no...
You didn't want them.
You wanted excellence,
which almost no one gets
in their lifetime.
Just be sure you're ready
before you give it up.
I don't know
what to say to them.
When the time comes, Katie,
you'll know.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well...
What a boring few weeks
it's been.
Although...
it's kind of refreshing
for a woman
to be the perpetrator
in a Hollywood sex scandal
for once, isn't it?
I am, of course, referring
to the multiple reports
that came out this week,
saying that I had been
unfaithful to my husband
with one of my writers.
Spoiler alert:
It's true.
I've learned
an interesting term:
"slut-shaming."
My supporters have said
that if I were a man,
I wouldn't be subject
to this kind of scrutiny.
Well, here's what I think.
If it were a man doing this,
it would be reprehensible,
but guess what...
it's a woman doing it,
and it's still reprehensible.
And none of this
would even matter
if I were not so...
so hard on everyone,
with such high standards
that I've defined
my career by it.
Um, the fact of the matter
is that...
...my husband is my family.
I...
have no one else in my life,
so...
...so when this happened,
I felt worse
than I have ever felt.
And I am clinically depressed,
so that's saying something.
And I thought,
"I don't deserve
these things anymore.
Him or the show."
But it doesn't matter
if I deserve you or not.
I need you.
And I've let you down.
I've taken you for granted
for years,
underestimating you
and thinking
that you wouldn't notice.
But you did.
And the other thing
I've learned is that this show
is the source of my energy.
It's, um, the reason
I get up in the morning.
It's my life. It's my blood.
Yes, and entertaining you...
has been the joy of my life.
Yeah.
Dear God, I hope I've earned
the privilege of your time.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
You know,
I got into this business
because I love television,
and I want to make
relevant television.
And I know,
when I say "relevant,"
you think I mean "pandering" or
"lowest common denominator."
I've dreamed of this day.
- Caroline, please, I beg you...
- You've been so abrupt.
But as I watched you out there,
I realized
I want to hear your take...
on the world, on everything...
and so does everyone else.
So, the show is yours.
But I'm watching you,
Katherine.
Just give a damn.
It's pretty fucking surprising,
isn't it?
Hey, is this my Thai food?
I hope you brought
extra peanut sauce.
I hate when you forget.
This isn't your Thai food.
This is Ms. Newbury's driver.
Ms. Newbury would like you
to come down to the car.
You can tell her that I don't
want to see her. Thank you.
She said what?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Come on.
Son of a bitch.
Good afternoon, sir.
Nice.
Oh, goddamn it.
♪ Keep reaching out
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, God.
Molly, open up. It's me.
No.
I have just driven
to this horrid little corner
of Brooklyn
and climbed up six flights
of stairs to talk to you.
Now open the bloody door.
What do you want?
I-I'm very busy right now.
Why on earth do you live
in Coney Island?
Huh.
Maybe it's the Ukrainian
food scene,
or perhaps it's the endless
subway commute.
Not all of us can live
in a townhouse
- on Gramercy Park, Katherine.
- Point taken.
I heard you got an offer
from Seth Meyers.
I don't think you should take it.
Really?
Because I was considering it.
Mostly because
I don't have a job.
Also, he didn't call me
a racial quota
whose existence was completely
inconsequential to him.
Here.
- You remember that. Shit.
- Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
The thing is,
when you hate yourself,
the only thing
that makes you feel better
is to get other people to feel
the same way as you do.
Is this filtered?
I didn't mean what I said.
Thank you...
for saying that...
and for coming here.
- Do you like the color of my wall?
- No.
You know what, I'm not gonna
go back and work for you,
because that was a very toxic
work environment.
I need you, Molly.
I need your pushiness
and lack of boundaries.
I need the annoying way
you light up
every time I walk
into the room.
It makes me feel
like I'm not a fraud.
But mostly, I need your talent.
You love me.
No, I didn't say that.
I... No.
I mean, not in those words,
but you...
No, I didn't say it
in any of those words.
But you have made
an impression on me.
A very big impression.
Please, Molly, come back.
It won't be the show you left,
but I need you
to help me change it.
- If I do...
- Hmm?
No more tantrums.
- Mm.
- No more hiring people
- who all look the same.
- Okay.
No humiliating people.
And no withering looks.
- Like that one.
- That's my face.
Can you try smiling?
Okay, forget it, forget it.
Okay. Yes.
Oh, yes?
Well, good.
Well, I guess I better go
if I want to get
to the bottom
of the stairs this century.
Thank you. All right.
God, I hate Brooklyn.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Okay.
Katherine Newbury.