Last Resort (1994) - full transcript

[Engine roars]

* well, there's a place
you can go *

* where the people sing

* oopa mocka locka ocky ya

* just a little south
of Miami *

* ahh ah-ah
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah *

* you got
your blue suede shoes *

* you got your feet
in the sand *

* oopa mocka locka ocky ya

* you're rockin' and rollin'
to a reggae band *

* ho



* yo ho ho

* oh, where can I go?

* I said oh

* yo ho

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* since I met you, baby

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I found a new place
to dwell *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got my
heartbreak hotel *

* where the people are runnin'
to hide from the sun *

* oopa mocka locka ocky ya



* mmm, think this is a time
for a frank on a bun *

* ahh ah-ah
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah *

* where the native girls
do the booga-booga dance *

* oopa mocka locka ocky ya

* I know this could be
my last chance *

* oh, no

* yo ho ho

* where can I go?

* to be alone?

* yo ho

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* the bellboys
are always cryin' *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I'm desperate,
where's my sanity *

* in this world?

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got
my heartbreak hotel *

* I knew that it was good
when I met you *

* and now I lay awake
thinking all night *

* let me
be your Teddy bear *

* you can lead me
almost anywhere *

* oh, ring-a-ling-a-ling

* this fast island swings

* some of the girls are dancin'
in the reggae party *

* jing-a-ling-a-ling,
school bell a-ring *

* deejays at the station
spinnin' 'bout everything *

* to the roxy
rhythm 'n' blues *

* some of the people say
that you know you can't lose *

ah-ha ha ha ha ha!

* ooh

come on, Sam.
I'm ready.

* yo ho ho

* how could I know

* that this is so?

* yo ho

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* since I met you, baby

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I found a new place
to dwell *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last... *

[dream girl]
Fries? Fries?

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, baby.

Ah, baby,
you look so good.

The fries, Sam!

Customers are waiting
for the fries!

Ohh!

Sam, the fries!

I want to suck
your face.

[Kissing]

Damn it, carver.

What the hell
was that?

Well, it looked like
a French kiss to me.

You keep out
of this,

you--you--
you weird-ass...
Weird-ass...

Punk.

Punk!

Carver, if you
ever pull a stunt
like that again,

sticking your tongue
in my mouth--

hey, there were
no tongues involved.

I'm a man, and you
have a mustache.

I'm telling you,
you're going
to be fired!

I can guarantee you
he will not kiss you
anymore.

That goes
for you, too!

I don't want to kiss you.

You do not
find me attractive?

No.

[Speaking Spanish]

Will you speak English?

For Pete's sakes,
I don't understand you.

[Coughing]

Sambo...got to keep
sabotaging our lives,
right?

Just do me a favor?
Prewarn me.

For the first time,

I was out of this
Detroit wasteland,

and I was living

in a beautiful,
lush, tropical
paradise.

Paradise is
in the emotions
of the beholder.

I'm getting
a touchy-feely
sensation.

If you want to win
in life,

you got to go
for the gold.

Do the job.
We need the money.

Need money.
I get that.

Need money.

[Choking]

Ella esta--esta...
Choking.

Sam...

Why'd you run away?
Don't you like me?

Like you?

Whew!

I love you.

Come and get me...Sam.

Get? You mean you?

Come now?
I've just left already.

My body just...

[Speaking Spanish]

[Choking]

Oh, yeah. Just keep
rolling around.

[Speaking Spanish]

I'm coming, honey.

On my way.

Yes. I'm--I'm almost there.

Oh, you look
even more beautiful
in person.

Oh, that's--that's
a great nipple.

Sam! Sam! No!

You look so good.

I'm so glad to...
I can't believe...

This is...Just let me...

Hold...I'll fix you.
Oh, yes!

[Ricochet]

I'm in a parallel universe.

What happened
to my restaurant?

It's beautiful,
don't you think?

It was so trendy!

Trendy?
Trendy?

Come on!

This was never trendy.

Nobody even comes here.

You two
juvenile delinquents!

Don't talk about our race
like that, o.K.?

I ought to--i ought to--

what?

What are you
going to do?

I'm sick of your yelling,
first of all. Secondly...

Secondly...

This is a disaster.
Disaster.

I think I speak
for both of US...
Both of US.

When I say, we quit.
We quit.

Quit? How about fired?

I'm going to the arcade,
I'll hustle some punks,

and I'll just
beat them on chessmania
'cause I'm unbeatable.

Let me tell you something
about punks.

Punks are what you are.

You're going to go
mess over some little kid,

and what happens
to punks like you

is you get
your control finger broken.

We need the cash,
cash, cash, cash--

would you please--shh--
don't do that.

I hate when you do that.

Why don't we just think
about being creative
for a change?

What do creative people do?

They do things like...
We could join a circus.

A circus?
Get shot from a Cannon?
Clean up elephant shit?

Stop it!
Sorry.

You know what
your problem is?

You're tied too much
to material things.

Oh, material things?

Material--
what material things?

I'm going to get myself
a computer,

I'm going to break
into a bank,

and then I'll
have some money.

Move. I'm trying to watch
my uncle Rex's movie.

You've seen this
100 times.

I love this movie.

Still write this guy?

No.

Just do your thing,

watch your movie,
and I'll leave you alone.

It's very important to me.

This is my relative,
for god sakes.

Ha ha ha ha.

Montgomery is
ready to surrender,
captain Morgan, sir!

Because he knows
he's been defeated.

Send him in, Jack!
Send him in!

This is my favorite scene.

At least you have
the decency

not to gloat,
Morgan.

It's captain Morgan,
Montgomery.

Captain Morgan?

You're nothing
but a scurvy
buccaneer.

Ahem. Well...

Now that we've dispensed
with the niceties,

I have the terms
of surrender.

Sign it, Montgomery.

You've not seen
the last of me,
Morgan.

It's your turn,
captain Morgan, sir.

With pleasure.

Conqueringly...yours.

[Laughing]

You dare spit upon me?

The next liquid
that comes from your body

will be your blood!

En garde!

As I said,
conqueringly yours...

Montgomery.

Not this time, carver.

Hemlock, get out
of my office.

It won't be yours
for long. I'm finally--

[hissing]

[Voice echoes]
I'm finally going
to defeat you.

You're behind
on your mortgage,

and the bank
will foreclose.

Well, I have a rather
good relationship
with the bank.

I'm sure--ahem--
they'll extend me
some credit.

Really? Perhaps
you don't know

I bought
controlling interest
in the bank.

Controlling...

Interest
in the bank.

Oh! You blackguard!

You blackguard!

Leave me be, please.

Oh, sorry, iguana.
Did I frighten you?

I'm such a bad boy.

Not afraid of you.

Is that parrot
really talking?

He's a ventriloquist.

The offer
still holds.

I'll give you
$500,000
for the island.

This island is worth
12 million.

Tough noogies.

Good one, boss.

I've waited years
for this, carver.

We have always
been rivals

from the old days
in Hollywood,

but I could act better,
fight better,

swash and buckle
better...

But the studios always
made me the villain.

You got the best parts.

You got the best tables
at the best restaurants,

the best girls,
the best...

Social diseases,
but now...

I am playing
the villain for real,

and I will win.

Soak up the view
before I wrest

the entire island
from you,

down to
the last scuba tank.

Wow. That was a really
good speech, boss.

Author, author.

One of your best.

Do you have
a wastebasket
around?

Over there.

Did you kill
that iguana, boss?
Enough!

Treasure island
will be mine,

and you will lose.

Ha ha!

Heh heh!

Excuse me, mister?

Could I have your autograph
for my mom?

No problem.

[Hemlock]
Get out here!

[Crash]

Gino.

Come on in.
The door's open.

I found them.

They're in their apartment.

Gino, your tracking
abilities, just...
They astound me.

So you're obviously
still working out,
I can see.

Yeah, yeah.

I just, uh,
I just came in 10th

at the Mr. Universal
contest.

Are you still
taking those steroids?

Aw, you know
I ain't got time

to bulk up naturally.

Forget about it.
I'm too busy
busting kneecaps.

They're bad
for your liver.

We'll have to
tell your mommy.

No, not my mom, please.

She'll kill me!

Are you here
on business
or pleasure?

Now, gino.

Wh-wh-whoa!

Why are you dancing?

Why are you guys
dancing?

You're being evicted.

What?

What?

You're being evicted!

He paid his rent
last week.

I didn't get it.

Kill them, gino.

Like dying,
you mean?

Killing, dying,
I don't want to!

Oh, Mr. Dragsman,
can't we just torture
them a little bit?

We only torture
those we love.

Gino, do what I say!
Get them out!

I'll tell my uncle!

He wouldn't
like th--aah!

Aah!

It's amazing.
People bounce.

[Groaning]

Ow!

Thank you.

Hey! That's expensive,
you know! No, don't!

This is crazy.

I know what
I'm talking about.

I know we paid
the rent--
wrong.

I remember it vividly.

In the post office,

I was walking
behind this beautiful
blond girl.

She was amazing.

She even gave me
her phone number.

Look.

Let me see that.

"555-4--"

555? They only use
555 in the movies!

This chick is
not real, o.K.?

Of course!
None of my chicks
are real.

[Coughing]

Um, excuse me,
brains.

Yes?

Dolt!

It's on the back of
the rent envelope!

You never, ever
mailed the rent.

What are you
talking about?

Fine. So I never
mailed it.

Let's check
the other mail.

Junk mail, junk mail,
junk mail.

Letter.

Junk mail, junk mail,
junk mail, junk mail,

junk mail,
junk mail.

Carver!

My uncle Rex wrote me.

Finally wrote you back.
Yeah!

He wants US to come
to his place,
treasure island,

this amazing resort
that he owns,

and he wants US
to work there
as scuba instructors.

Scuba man.

It's a great game.

I once got
to the 12th level.

Would you stop?

I got eaten
by a half-mermaid,
half-shark.

It was cool
but disgusting.

We don't know anything
about scuba diving.

Doesn't matter.

We got to get there
somehow

because we have
a whole island
waiting for US.

What?

[Muttering]

Oh, my god.

It's one
of those things.

I am totally
stoked.

Hold on.

This is amazing.

Whoa! What?

What the--where?
Hey! Hey!

It worked!

We made it.

We made it!

So did our luggage!

Ha ha ha!

It's better than flying
first class.

This doesn't look
anything like
the brochure.

Let me explain.

The higher the level...

Oh, god.
Here he goes.

The more green
and the more lusher it gets.

Why do you
have to do that?

God, come back
down to earth!

Cool.

A turtle.

What are you doing?

A frog.

A squirrel.

What's wrong
with you?

A--a buick!

[Car starts]

A buick, right.

Oh, my god.
It's a buick.

Oh...cool.

[Jingling]

Sam carver?

Yes, you can
call me that.

A snail.

I was waiting
at the airport.

How did you get here?

Oh, we jumped
through the sky.

Two dogs doing it.

Oh, well, I'm Sonja--

the official island goddess
and your uncle's paid slave.

You have fruit
on your head.

An aardvark.

Kitty cat.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come here!

This is Sam,
and I'm Dave.

No. I'm Sam.
This is Dave.

W-We're brothers--
not really.

You're a girl,
right?

Yeah. I'm Sonja,
earth servant

to the island
Amazon goddess ya-ya.

Ya...ya!

Well, my name is...
My name is...

My name is...
My name is...

My name is...

I forget who I am.

I'm still Sonja.

My synapses
are buzzing.

My pulse is racing.

My sensors
are shorting!

My heart is throbbing!
My joystick is moving!

You guys, this scene
is making me sick!

[Loud island music plays]

Will you turn down
the music, please?

Dave eisenhower.

No relation
whatsoever.

I'm actually an anally
compulsive cyberpunk

searching
for electronic bliss.

I'm Sonja hiney.

My hobbies are
walking on the beach,

watching sunsets,
solving logarithmic
computations,

and developing
a sensual parallel

to the cartesian
philosophical system.

"I think, therefore I am,"
right?

No, you're not.

Eh-eh.

You ever try
virtual sex?

It's like,
you do it, but you're
not actually there.

Ooh, fascinating concept--
ultimate safe sex.

Mm-hmm.

Your uncle Rex
wanted to see you.
Walk this way.

Take it easy, mon.
Slow the plane down.

* hi hi

* hi hi...

Yes. Flash MacKenzie
at the treasure island
resort lobby.

One passenger pick up,
wait at airport
for second couple. Safe.

Constant pain,
a throbbing pain,

boom, boom, boom,

like hemorrhoids.

Hemorrhoids don't boom.

I should know.

Who has worse hemorrhoids
than me?

Me!

Someday we'll
take a look.

Here's the bus
to the resort.

Some resort.

We should have
gone to Miami.

We live in Miami!

Greetings.
I'm flash MacKenzie.

Call that a lining?

You need a recharge,
mama,

and treasure island
is the place for you.

Climb on board.
I'll take care
of your luggage.

Avast, me buckos.

Aah!

Guns n'roses!

Far from it, honey.
We're morgies.

That
a Jewish name?

Hell, no.

Where we come from
in Texas,

a Jew's about as rare
as a pig fart in church.

Morgies are fans
of Morgan the pirate.

We've seen all 20
of his movies.

Hundreds of times.

Yes, and we're here
to meet our hero,
Rex carver.

I met liberace once!

Yep.
We've devoted our lives
to Morgan the pirate.

[Screaming]

Oh, don't mind them.

Tell that
to my pacemaker.

So, we're ready
for the vacation
of our lives, people?

Oh, shoot the mophead,
kids.

Ah-ah-ah-ah,
with the camera.

We're not in Texas,
remember?

Oh, them smokin'
too much weed, you know.

I think it's
the pesticides
in the produce.

Next time I'm pregnant,
I'm only eating organic.

Say, young feller,
you're going backwards.

It's the only gear working.

This is beautiful.

This is where
our guests arrive.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

Trees.
Very nice.

Wonderful.

Mm-hmm.

Watch your step,
all right?

Flash.

Flash.

Yes, me darling.

This is Sam carver,
Rex's nephew,
and his friend.

Dave eisenhower.

No relation, though.

To who, mon?

That's cool.

How did you get
the name flash?

You see--

I already asked.
You don't want to know.

Howdy, youngsters.

Don't stand like lumps!
Shoot these people.

Hi. Sam and Dave
are scuba experts
from Detroit.

Detroit, huh?

Right in
the heart of
scuba country.

His office is this way.

I can't wait.
Oops. Sorry.

Rex!

Rex, it's Sonja.

No. It's fruit.
It's fake.

Island goddess?

Give me an apple.

I'm here
with your nephew.

Just one
little piece.

Whoa, sorry.

A little seasick.

Rex, it's Sonja.

I'm here
with your nephew Sam.

Hello?

Hey, you touch me,
and I'll bite
your dick off.

Ta-da!

Ow! Eee!
Avast, me hearties.

Montgomery,
I've been expecting you.

No, Rex. It's me, Sonja,
and your nephew Sam.

Sam?

Sam, your nephew?

Ah, yes.
I knew that.

You know that.

Know that Sammy!
My old Sammy boy!

Aah! Hi, sir.

I'm not Sam.
No, no.

That's Sam.

You're a little
virtual pissed,
ol' buddy.

I knew that.

Sammy, how are you?

Oh!

My, how you've grown.

Actually...

When was the last time
we actually...

Saw one another?

Oh, that would be
at least, what?

5...10...never.

Oh. Oh, right, right.

Well, I knew that.

But you--I'm telling
you, young man,

I'm so proud of you.

It isn't every man
who can have a nephew

who's a top agent
with icm--

uh, fba--CIA.

Excuse me? Top agent
with the CIA?

When did this happen,
pal?

You mean
when did I tell him?

Obviously
I had to let him in

on our little secret,
you know--

the intense training
in giuseppe Franco,

the searching
and trials

and the teen america's--
getting them off drugs--

and the spy rings.
You know what I mean.

Oh.
Oh.

Wait, Rex. I get it.

They're
covering their cover.

No. No. No.

Actually, we're...
Maintaining the truth,

whatever that may be.

Does that mean
that you and...

What's-his-name
there

are not
with the CIA?

Dave. The name's
Dave, bub, all right?

Dave bub. Ah.

You know, secret agents
really turn me on.

Code name,
storm shadow.

So, in essence,
you're bringing
your nefarious talents

over here to help me

prick the boil
on my backside

of one Babcock hemlock.

Wouldn't go
as far as pricking.

Well, I wouldn't
go that far.

Not his boils.

Nope. No boils.

So, carver has
called in ci--

[deeper voice] So carver has
called in CIA operatives

to do me in.

I want you to find out
who they are.

I'm not too crazy
about messing
with the CIA.

I haven't been
feeling good.

I'm seeing a doctor
tomorrow.

You dare
to disobey orders?
Do what I want!

Do--do what I want.

It's time
for the 10:00
torture rounds.

I'm coming,
my little pet.

Aah!

That was wonderful,
Snuffy poo-poo.

He's so strict.

Yeah, but he
does good work.

That should hold her...
Till noon.

This place has
some potential
for tempt appeal.

Tempt appeal?
Are you kidding me?

I'm in deep lust
or love.

It could be love.

Seriously. In love.

This place is
pretty cool, huh?

Pretty cool?

Come on, Sam,
we're here under
false pretenses.

What are you
talking about?

Hey, how's it going?

We made up
a little story,

but it's uncle Rex's
fault, not my fault.

It's all those
self-esteem tapes
I'm listening to.

He had everything,
I had nothing,

I had to tell him--

these people think
we're something we're not.

What do you mean?

It's just part
of the game.

I'm glad you're
both certified,

because right now
I'm the only
dive instructor.

Certified?
I'm not certified.

I'm just normally crazy.

I love your wit.

No,
I mean certified,

as in demonstrable,
substantiated,
validated.

You are certified,
aren't you?

I can't believe you
would ask that question.

I'm sorry.
Stupid me.

If a Navy s.E.A.L.
Isn't certified,
who is?

Navy s.E.A.L.?

Navy s.E.A.L.

Navy s.E.A.L.?

Yeah. We're
Navy s.E.A.L.S,
right, Dave?

Massaging the great
truth again, Sam?

Know what?

I think Navy s.E.A.L.S
are the perfect pinnacle
of the male archetype.

Is that good?

Oh, my gosh, fantastic,
wondrous, phenomenal,

rare, unique,

stupendous.

O.k., everybody,

get on the boat!

The boat.

The boat.

Ladies.
Ladies, hi.

Uh...

Welcome, ladies
and beautiful ladies.

Uh, I'm Sam...

And this bouncy
thing over here...

Dave!

I would like to
welcome you

to your first day
of ski instructions...

Uh, scuba instruction,
and I'd like you to know

that it's going to be
very safe out there.

We're going to have
a big ride of diving.

We're going
to have a blast.

Anyway, it's going
to be a lot of fun.

We're going to have,
uh, great fun...

Big, fat fun.

Uh, aren't you guys
forgetting something?

Uh...we already
went to the bathroom.

We went.

I mean your scuba gear.
Put it on.

Oh, scuba gear.

Would you
excuse me, darling?

Here we go.

Uh, got your tank?

Tankage.

That's a thermos.

Of course.

I want some coffee.

I didn't know
you guys are such jokers.

O.k.

All right.

Get my gear on here.

Y-You're joking, right?

About what?

It's on the wrong way.

First things first.
Got to check the valves.

Let's get it on right.

Everything looks
o.K., though,
just so you know.

There you go.

Do you need help?

Huhhhh!

No, we got it.
We're under control.

We're fine.

We're in good shape now.

You watched that?

This journey
will take 17 days.

I'll be back
on planet earth

before you can say,
"I'll be back on
planet earth."

Hey, hey, I'm good.
A little foggy.

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Oh, shit.

He's flying.

Aah! Help me!

Aah!

[Hissing]

[Explosion]

Wow. I landed
in silicone valley.

Oh. Are you two
really Navy s.E.A.L.S?

Uh, well...

We can't answer
that question.
It's top-secret.

Because this is
no time to display

typical male macho fronting.

Are you experienced
instructors or not?

No.
Yes.

Which is it?

Uh-oh. Hyperspace.

Hyperspace!
Here we go.
Here we go.

Mind scramble.
Serious mind scramble!

What's wrong with him?

Nothing. Nothing.
He just...

It happens
about this time
every day.

It's a praying
thing. Religion.

What'd we come here for,
anyway?

We needed a vacation.

We're always
on vacation.
We're old.

I figured maybe here
we could become inspired.

Inspired. For what?

To make love.

We already did that.

Sure. In 1979.

All the students
who wanted to
learn to scuba dive

left for brisco island.

I thought Rex's friend
and Rex's nephew
and his friend

was going to teach them.

Man, they can
barely swim.

I don't know why
Rex thought they
could help him.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless it's all part
of their cover-up.

The total
Peter Pan syndrome.

You know, you're
probably right.

Psst! Hey!

Look, the captain's
about to make
his entrance.

O.k.

[Bell clangs]

Aha! Avast, me hearties!

[Bell clangs]

As I was saying,
avast, me hearties.

And what have we here?

A whole family
of morgies.

Aah!

Hey, Rex. We've seen
all your movies
over 100 times.

Is that all?

Not enough?

We can see them again
if you want.

It's not necessary.
Enjoy yourselves.

And what is this here?

Oh, the blush
of ageless love,

yearning to be cut free

to feel once again
the sweetness
of cupid's arrows?

No, sir.
We're married.

Oh...

Well...no matter.

Treasure island
will stir the pot

of your passion
once again.

Well, eat,
drink, be merry.

People can still
call me macho,

but I love
this outfit.

Oh! Look at these
beautiful ladies.

My sister and I are
here on vacation,

and we're on
the scavenger hunt.

We need just
one more item--

a picture
of two CIA agents.

I guess you're in luck
because...

We happen to be
two CIA agents.

No! I can't believe it.

Yes, darlings...

Aah!

You dames interested
in the total Jamaican
experience?

But we are not
in Jamaica.

I'm interested
in the experience.

Will you knock it off?

We got pictures to get
for the scavenger hunt.

Now, knock it off.

I'm sorry.

You've done
such a good job.

Give me the film.

Go suck
a dead egg.

Now, children,
they need this film

for their
scavenger hunt,
so give it up.

Scavenge this, man.

You got problems, kid.
Jump in the pool.

Avast and avaunt.

What's going on here?

Well--

these two
want our film.

Give these two
poor excuses for wenches

whatever they want,

you scalawags.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Can I have
your autograph
for my mommy?

Come to my
quarters later.

[Hemlock]
That's enough, you two.

Get back--now.

How does he do that?

Is this a private
aerobics class,

or can anybody
sweat here?

It's not
an aerobics class.

I happen to be performing
a night dance

to the goddess ya-ya.

Care to join me?

Of course.

Where can I find
a treasure?

I hope you and Sam
know what you're doing,

'cause we really,
really need the help.

We do. We know
what we're doing.

I'm positive of it.

That's why
I called you here.

To tell me that.

No, no.
Because you are CIA.

You're a Navy s.E.A.L.

And Rex can't make
his next payment.

Aha.
I get the plot.

And I have
the solution.

We can use some
of your diving tricks

to locate the treasure
to save my island.

Take the money
the resort makes,
and pay it off.

But we're not
making any money.

Sam, I want you to
start diving tomorrow
for the treasure.

He'll probably
lose the island,
the poor man.

He's nurtured all
my goddess fantasies.

Um, I know that
you're thinking

you don't
want me to do that

because I'd pollute
the ocean.

There's laws
against this stuff.

The ozone layer...

You know,
I'd give anything

to save this resort.

Anything?

Sam, Sam,
my dear fellow,

have you ever heard
of a film called

the family
of Morgan the pirate?

One of yours. Yes.
Excel--a masterpiece.

I'd give up my Amazon
to become...

The Madonna and whore
to do that.

How about
a free sample?

My favorite scene

was when you
made your brother
walk the plank.

Just...right there.

Bingo.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

You're only a nephew.

Boom!

Uncle Rex, did I mention
how much I love diving?

The deal is,
we got to look

for this
buried treasure.

I know what you're saying,
but you're crazy.

I'm not crazy, o.K.?

My uncle Rex says
it's the only way
we'll save the island.

Your uncle Rex
is from another universe.

He's crazy.

We got to do this.

If we don't look
for the treasure,

he'll make US
walk the plank.

Sam, man,
that's movie stuff.

Dave, this is a movie.

I'm off to the shrine
of ya-ya.

Would you like
to join me?

We'd love to,
but we have to go

Bury...look...
Treasures.

Look for buried treasure.

It's a new challenge--
real-life games.

I love it.
I want it.

You're so brave.

Everybody says there's
a treasure, but no one
knows for sure.

That's why we're going.

I want to save
the school and the island

for you and
for good old uncle Rex.

I vow this
with every bone
in my body,

with every
fiber of my being,

every neuron
of my brain,

every suit in my closet,

or my name isn't...
My name isn't--

what's his name?

Dave.

Yeah. Or my name
isn't Dave.

My hero.

Forget ya-ya.

You're the only
ya-ya I want.

Don't blow it.

Great kiss.

Whew! Let's go.

Whoo!

* one day

* I was walking

* through the woods

* by and by

* down there

* by a river

* in the grass

* I saw your eyes

* then

* your pretty red dress

* brought a smile

* to my eyes

* then you

* called out my name...

[Gasping]

[Gasping]

I'll have to check
my calendar.

I'll have to check
my calendar.

O.k.

T-minus 10...

9, 8, 7...

6, 5, 4,

3, 2, 1,

zero.

Ignition...

Liftoff.

Aah!

What?

Whoa!

Hey, Sammy,

here we come!
Double bubble!

Perfect landing.

Ow!

All right, o.K.,
who are you guys really?

I'm Sam, and this
is what's-his-name.

Code name,
storm shadow.

No, no.
Code name, b.S.

Ya-ya was right.
I should've listened.

You talked
to ya-ya?

I'm one of her priestesses.

She talks to me
all the time.

You aren't CIA
or Navy s.E.A.L.S, are you?

Yes.
No.

No.
Yes.

Oh, ya-ya,
please forgive me

for disbelieving you.

They are impostors,
frauds.

You know what?

I thought you were
a special person.

I thought you were
the person

I've waited for
all my life.

You're just like
all those other

phony CIA guys
I dated.

I'm not like
those phony CIA
guys you dated.

I'm a regular
phony guy.

Wait, Sonja.
I'm kidding.
Come back.

Hey, what's wrong
with you, man?

There's other fish
in the ocean.

Look, Sam, this girl
does something
special to me.

Do you understand?

I'm going to do something
to help this island.

Dave, there's something
wrong with you.

You're normalizing
on me, pal.

Well, I feel, uh...
I feel calm.

You're not the weirdo
I came here with.

Are you in with this?

Yeah, but first
I'm going to
be with her.

Because there's
a fin with breasts--

Sam, this is important.

So is this.
This is very important.

You know, there's
a mermaid here.

Excuse me, but
did you ever wonder
where you put it?

I have to
find that out.

I don't care
if it's the last
of its species.

Exterminate it.

It's probably
lonely, anyway.

Snuffy, how do I
spell "exterminate"?

E-x-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-e.
What did you want?

The doctor
says I have
a yeast infection.

Dummkopf!
The CIA agents.

Have you located
them yet?

Jawohl, herr kommandant.
We have photos.

How do you spell
"dummkopf"?

D-o-o-m-k-o-f-f.

This one here
is the one
they call Sam.

Ooh, he's cute.

Shh!

Not so cute.

Very clever.

He's disguised
as a grown slob.

And this is
the other one, boss.

They call him
what's-his-name.

Ooh, he's cute.

Shut up!

Not cute.

These agents
are quite good.

This one's posing
as a cyberpunk.

An excellent cover.

Whoops. That
shouldn't be there.

I want you
to get rid of them.

But, boss, CIA agents,
they're tough.

They're crafty, cold,
and they're cruel!

You dare disobey
my orders?

[Cracking]

You're talking
about cruelty?

Your orders
are our commands,
herr kommandant!

Oh, Snuffy,
want me to help you

readjust your hand?

Ooh.

[Crunch]

Ahh.

All right. Say it.

Say what?

You're sorry
you married me.

I'm not sorry.

Then what are you,

disappointed,
regretful,
annoyed, angry?

All of the above.

I got some ass!

You know, there aren't
many mermaids in Detroit.

That's because
it's really not
mermaid season.

Yeah, well,
I have to agree
with you there.

Listen. What's this?

Will you listen?
Now, listen.

When he comes over,

boom! You hit him
over the head. Got it?

Right on the head.
Gotcha.

Hide. Get back there.

Phone call
for Sam carver!

Phone call
for Sam carver!

Hear that?
That's me.

I'm very popular.
Hold this.

I'll be right back.

Wait right there.

Just keep your fin wet.

Hi. I'm Sam carver.

The phone
is for you, sir.

Hit him!

Ow!

Hello?

Hello?

Nobody--

the phone's for you.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Sure.

Hello?

Aah!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Jeez, you killed him!

Great!

Don't tell mom.

Ohh. Ooh.

Oh, fish.
Fish sandwich.

You bumbling oaf.

I gave you a job,
and you failed.

We can't go back
to the post office.

I promise
we'll do it right.

Cross your heart
and hope to die?

Want a bite?

I'm a vegetarian.

Until you find Rob,

I'll have to send in
my special operative--

the annihilator.

Do you want to go
down in treasure
island history

as a no-good,
yellow-bellied,

fake CIA scum,
swine bag?

That sounds
pretty good.

What are you guys
doing now?

He's leaving.

[Suspense-movie
music plays]

Hey.

What?

Listen to that
soundtrack.

Something's
going to happen.

There's nothing
here for me.

I don't like anything
about this place.

[Mermaid]
Oh, please,
let me out.

Help me.

Except her.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Alex Cole.

You are.

Alex Cole.

That's amazing,
actually,

because you have
a boy's name

inside a woman's body.

I'm looking
for Sam carver.

So am I. Sam...
Sam car--Sam c-car--

that's me.

You're looking for me.
She's looking for me.

Doesn't that
mean anything to you?

This is...

You're a legend.

I'm a legend?

I've been waiting
to meet you.

Yeah. Me,
of all things.

Can't we go somewhere
a little more private?

Private? Like what
would you have in mind?

Like, I don't know.
Your pants.

My pa--my poo--

my what?

These pants?

Those pants back there...

[Mermaid]
Help me! Help!

Sonja, wait.
Talk to me.

Come on.
It's Dave.

Dave the CIA agent
and Navy s.E.A.L.?

He's not here anymore.

I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.

I didn't know
Sam was writing lies
to his uncle.

Which you reinforced
with your collusion.

Yeah.

It was just to
please you, though.

Look, ever since
I met you,

I felt...Grounded,
you know?

Grounded...
For the first time
in my life.

Please, don't leave
me, all right?

I've got work to do.

Hyper bummer.

You knew
what I was like.

You said you liked
the strong, silent type.

That was before.

Before what?

Before I knew
how dull it was.

[Burping]

Love your decor.

Can I, uh,
get you something?

I never knew
treasure island
had such sexy men.

It doesn't really have
sexy men.

You're the kind of man

I could spend the rest
of my life with.

So are you.

Do you find me
attractive?

Is the pope Jewish?

Let's get started with
the rest of our lives.

First I have
some business.

Business? What kind
of business?

I'm here on
official business
for my boss...

Babcock...

Hemlock?

[Thunder]

Name sounds familiar.

He wants to
become a partner
with your uncle.

Uncle Rex hates him.
He's a villain.

Your uncle's mistaken.

He's mistaken
about lots of things,

if you know
what I mean.

Well, he does act
a little strange
sometimes, but...

Mr. Hemlock...

[Thunder]

Wants to buy
into the island.

Uh, well, see, I don't think
that's going to happen.

My uncle feels
very strongly about this.

But he won't
keep the island

unless he has
the money.

Do you think
you can get Rex
to change his mind

for little old me?

I don't know
what we can do.

Too bad, then.

He'll lose
the whole place

and be floating
homelessly afloat
in the ocean.

I wouldn't want that
to happen.

You just have to
get him to sign
his contract.

He'd have more
than enough money

to pay for
his mortgage.

Rex would be happy.
Mr. Hemlock...

[Thunder]

He'd be happy.
I'd be happy.

And I could make you
happy tonight.

Couldn't we skip
all those other happys

and get to me
being happy right now?

And I don't wear
any underwear.

Mmrrreow.

Uncle Rex.

Jack, what are you
doing here?

I'm your nephew Sam.

Don't play games
with me, Jack.

Is Montgomery ready
to surrender?

Oh, I get it. O.K.

Uh, well, uh,
I'm not Montgomery--

don't contradict me.

Get that fellow in here

so we can sign the terms
of the surrender.

Yes...

Aye, sir!

We'll bring in
the scalawag,

rat that he is.

Oh, ho ho ho!
All that stuff.

Good. Hop to it.

Ah-choo.

Sam, did you get
the contract signed?

Uh, contract.

No. Um, no.

As a matter of fact,
I didn't

because it was
really difficult.

I couldn't get Rex--
my uncle--to--to--

I went to say,
"hello, can you do this?"

And he was like
in left field.

He didn't even
recognize me.

It was very embarrassing.

Did I mention
I don't wear
any underwear?

No, you didn't mention that,
but now that you have...

And who might ye be,
curvaceous wench?

I am the daughter
of the king,

and your head will roll
when he finds
you have abducted me.

Ho ho! I like fire
in a wench.

Unhand me,
you filthy beast.

Oh, but can a beast
kiss like this?

Ooh! Some men know
about romance, Irv.

Are you saying
I don't know
about romance?

You never spoke
when we made love.

You never were awake
when we made love.

Dave.

I need
a mood enhancer.

Hey, come on.

Sonja hates me.

No, she doesn't.

I have a plan.
It's actually Alex's plan.

This guy wants to buy
into the island.

Good for him.

It is good for him.
It's even better for US.

It's good for you and me
and Sonja, actually.

It'll make her happy.

If she's happy,
I'll be happy.

If I'm happy,
Alex is happy.

If Alex is happy,
guess who will be happy.

Um...who?

You!

Yes! You are!

Yeah-yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah-yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoo hoo!

Montgomery is ready
to surrender,

captain Morgan, sir.

He's finally realized that
he's been defeated, eh?

Well, bring him in,
Jack. Bring him in.

I--

at least you
have the decency
not to gloat.

At last you have
the decency of
a goat, Morgan.

Captain Morgan to you,
Montgomery.

Captain? You call
yourself a captain?

You're nothing but
a scurvy buccaneer.

Captain?

You call yourself
a captain?

You're nothing
but a scurvy
sucking beer.

Buccaneer.
Buccaneer!

Buccaneer.
Buccaneer. Buc--

buccaneer.

What do you say that
we pay attention now

to the surrender?

[Grunting]

Sign it, Montgomery.

Uh, your turn.

With pleasure.

Conqueringly yours.

Ha ha ha ha.

You haven't seen
the last of me.

You haven't seen
the last time
I peed.

Oh, wait. Wait.

Haven't you forgotten
something?

[Grunts]

Spit on him.

Spit on you!

Spit on him.

Spit on him.

How dare you spit upon me.

Next liquid that comes
out of your body

will be your own blood.

My what?

Take this sword
and defend yourself.

Oh, but--

en garde!

Aah! Oh!

Aah! Aah!

Put your fingers down.

You already did that
in lost boys.

Take the sword.

All right. Go, go, go.

Ah ha ha!
Ah ho ho.

[Whooping]

You've been practicing.

Waaa!

Ooh, that was nice.

Ha ha!

Aah!

I accept your surrender.

Take him away.

Yes, sir.
Aye, aye, captain.

Make sure makeup
cleans up that spittle.

He tried to kill me.
He tried to kill me.

He tried
to kill me.

You did the right thing.

You really think we
did the right thing?

I think we did
the right thing.

Let's think about it
for a second.

Sonja's going to
be happy, right?

The ya-ya god's
going to be happy.

You're going to get
a lot of ya-ya sex.

Alex is going to be happy,

which means I'm going to
get lots of ya-ya sex,

and Rex is going to
have a lot of money

because he did
the right thing.

We ended up making lots
of sex and money.

Yee yee yee yee yee.

You what?

It's great.

Rex will have money
to pay his debts.

Excuse me
for a minute, ya-ya.

Hemlock has been
trying to buy

a piece of this island
for years.

You gave it to him.

I can't believe Rex
signed that agreement.

He did.

Maybe it's not so bad.

How did you get him
to sign it?

Sam and I convinced him.

Convinced him?

How did you convince him?

We just, you know...

What?

We just...

We tricked him.

Tricked?

That is the most negative,
bad karmic, repressive,

ugly, unspiritual,

abusive, ugly--

you already said ugly.

Disgusting thing to do.

Oh. This calls for
the big shrine.

I've got some
industrial-strength
praying to do.

So I guess this means
fooling around

with a tub of cool whip
is out of the question?

You happy?

Mmm, yeah.

Very.

Good.

I hope I did
the right thing.

You really are
a soft guy.

Come up into my room now.

* I can walk her
to her room now *

ya-ya, babes,
talk to me here.

We've never
really talked,

but I need your help.

I like her. I want her.

I need her.
It's that simple,

so do me a favor
and just hear me.

Ya-ya, please, ya-ya.

Please to give me woman.

It's amazing.
When you dance,

it's not like
somebody dancing.

[Wheezing]

It's more like somebody
actually crawling

into a dance,
is what it is.

It's different than anything
I've ever seen before.

I'm not excited
or anything--

I'm lying. I'm so excited.

You don't even know.

My room's over here.

This would be
the way to walk to--

her room. That's
where we're going.

Oh, we're almost there.

Beds is what's
in her room.

Why are you
walking so slow?

I'm just tired.

There's beds with
pillows and things.

This is my room.

And--and this is
her room.

Amazing.

This is good night.

This is good night.

Good night!
What do you mean,
good night?

Wait, wait.
Hold everything.

What--what about
dinner and eating

and underwear and
eating underwear?

Sam, if I let you
into my room now,

with all the satin sheets
spread with love oil,

you'd think I'd slept
with you for the contract.

Yeah.

No.

No. No, I wouldn't.

No. No.
No, I wouldn't.

You'd think badly of me.

No, I wouldn't.

You won't respect me
in the morning.

No, I wouldn't. No--

yes. Yes, yes.
I would.

As a matter of fact,
I would.

I'd actually
respect you more.

I can't take that chance.

You mean too much to me.

Good night, Sam.

Good night, Sam?

A kiss on the nose?

I gave her an island!

Signed, sealed,
and delivered.

I got to leave.

I have a show tonight
in St. Martin.

You would like to see

what your
present performance
has brought me?

What?

Treasure island,
hemlock style.

[Screaming]

Can I just have
my money?

When Rex carver incurs
a certain death,

which he will,

this contract will allow me

to step in and protect
our investment.

Very cute plot.

Just pay up.

What is this?

My agent told me
it was 10,000
plus expenses.

I, uh, took the Liberty
of rewriting your contract.

I'm going to report you
to the union.

Now for phase two.

Uh! Ugh!

I got aqua lung!

Ugh! Let's get this--

get the hammer.
Give me the hammer.

[Snoring]

Shh.

[Snoring]

You're in a dream.

On the isle of lesbos,

beautiful women are
coming to welcome you.

Sleep. Sleep.

[Computer beeps]

Get the wire.
Get the wire.

Hee hee hee hee!

Iraqi?

Bomb?

[Screaming]

Get out of here!

No.

No, no!

Rex. Rex, look.
All the flights
to the island

have been canceled.

I need the revenue
to pay the mortgage.

No one's going to come

to the island Amazon
goddess festival.

She's going to be
so pissed.

Who? Who?
Ya-ya.

No, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Aah!

Ah! Ah! Oh!

Need a personal
injury attorney?

Interested in suing
treasure island
for big bucks?

Contact Rob
and Bob job.

We'll give you
everything
that's yours.

We give everyone...

The job job!

Hey, here's
another one.

Need a personal
injury attorney?

We give everybody
the job job!

Look, there's
an old lady.

Hit her!

I'll never come back
to this shithole again.

Bye. See you later.

I don't believe this.

We just lost another
week's worth of receipts.

Ju-ju.

What's ju-ju?

Never mind.

Ju-ju beans--

exactly.

This is horrible.

What are you so
worried about?

We're going to get
some money

from that deal we just
signed with Babcock.

Like he'll do that.

[Dramatic music]

No, he is. Listen to
the soundtrack.

I've got an idea.

Give me the bat phone.

Who are you
going to call?

I will send
the money today.

Uh, no problem whatsoever.

Going, boss?

Going exactly as planned.

Isn't that wonderful,
Adolph?

I'll send the money,

then they'll be leveraged
to the hilt.

Ha ha ha ha!

You're tickling me,
Angeline.

Ha ha!

Stop it!

Oh!

I'm sorry, Adolph.

You don't want to come?
There's no way, huh?

Did I mention there's
a nude beach here?

We've got vibrating
beds, porno movies,

a sexual aid shop.

You got to come,
you got to come,

you got to come,
you got to come...

To treasure island.

Yes, baby girl,
me long, strong,

and hung like
king Kong.

Vaginas? Did I
mention those?

Everyone's coming.

Excuse me!

Hey, a customer,

and he's a dork-man.

Which one of you
is Sonja hi...

Hiney?

Take a wild guess, pal.

Him.

You're half right.

What is it?

I'm authorized
to give you a check
for $300,000

to cover expenses
and losses

according to paragraph "c,"
section 8,

subsection 4-l
of your contract
with Babcock hemlock.

That's great.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you.
This is fantastic.

Thank you,
Mr. Dork-man.

Bye, Mr. Dork-man.

Guys, with this money,
we'll rent a jetliner,

pick up all the stranded
people in Miami.

We'll get two weeks'
worth of supplies,
fix up the rooms,

and get ready for
the influx of people.

How about an autograph?

Of course.

Hello.
Conqueringly
yours...

Now, this is more
like it.

I've never seen
Rex happier.

Yeah, but
are you happy?

Yes. Very happy,

but I think we judged
hemlock too quickly.

How could you ever
forgive me?

What do you have
in mind?

I don't know.

Something really special.

Sam carver,
Sonja hiney,

and what's his name?

The name's
Dave, bub.

Listen up, people.

Under section 4,
subsection "c",

paragraph 12, line 5,
word 4, subword 2

of the agreement,

the right to protect
the investment

is hereby invoked
by hemlock.

I don't like
the sound of that.

What does it mean?

He's taking control
of the island.

"Borrowing from
a partner is subject

to 62% interest,
payable within
72 hours."

We're screwed. We're
big-time screwed.

I knew it.

I told you,

but no, you wouldn't listen.

You've ruined Rex's life,
not to mention

putting a cramp
into mine.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to
the crying shrine.

She took that
rather well.

Sam, did you read
those contracts?

Yeah. It didn't say
anything about Sonja.

Did it say
anything about US
getting screwed?

No. Alex and I
talked about that,

and she said nothing
about screwing.

Tell your uncle Rex
the truth.

Oh, the truth.
I get it.

From now on,

from this day forth,

from this moment on,

I vow to be honest
in all my affairs.

Throughout the kingdom,
throughout the land,

to give forth honesty
with every breath,

I...

Vow...

To be the most honest man
in the world.

[Applause]

Hyper-pukage.

Thank you.

[Lip-synching
to singing in Italian]

Uncle Rex,

I have something to
talk to you about.

Well, what seems to be
the problem, boy?

The problem seems
to be, uncle Rex,

that I betrayed a trust.

I tricked you into
signing an agreement
with Babcock hemlock.

[Thunder]

Oh, shit.

His intentions
were purely good.

He was only trying
to help you.

Because of me,

well, you basically
lost the island.

What's going to
happen to me?

I know you like
parrot burgers.

Up, up, up.
I knew that.

You always say
you knew that.

You didn't know it.

I am not what people
think I am.

You're not?

What are you?

Most people think
I am a crazed fool,

living in the past.

I've been watching
your life, Sam,

and you are a failure,
along with your friend,

uh, what's-his-name.

Dave, bub.

Dave bub.

I asked you here
to give you a chance

to make something
of your lives,

to seize
the opportunity

and help me save
my island.

Well, listen--

we're not Navy s.E.A.L.S
or CIA agents.

But you do have
courage.

They don't.
Yes, they do.

We'll go with
the parrot, then.

Find me a loophole.

I don't know.
We got to find
a loophole.

Isn't a loop
and a hole
the same thing?

Look, look!

There's something--

never mind.

Find anything?

Wait.

Seriously?
No.

[Knock on door]

Hi.

Get out of my dream.

Shh.

Does that happen
in your dreams?

Yeah.

What'd you come back
here for?

You wanted to ruin
my life some more.

You thought
you'd rub it in?

No, to help.

If there's a way
you can help out,

I have someone
you could talk to.

[Bell rings]

[Coughing]

[Sam]
If you stopped
choking her,

you'd be able to
hear her better.

I was just trying
to do my job.

Thanks to your
performance, you
ruined Rex's life.

There is an option
to buy back the island.

You have to come up
with the money

before the out clause
expires.

How much?

The remainder of
the mortgage payments--

3.5 million.

$3 million?

That's, uh, 3.5 million.

Where are we going
to get $3 million?

The buried treasure.

Where do we find
a buried treasure?

Ahoy.

Ahoy.

I'll show you.

You know
where it is?

Ha ha ha ha!
My faithful crew,

tomorrow we go digging
for the treasure.

Uh, uncle Rex?

Rex? I'm not
your uncle Rex.

I'm Morgan the pirate,
you fog-nose.

There is no
treasure, mon.

That's because no one's
dug in the right place,

but I know where it is,

because me and me mateys
buried it there.

Looks like--

it looks like
Mr. Carver is
going to search

for the fabled
treasure island
treasure.

Everybody talks
about the treasure.

It don't exist.

I also have a map.

Oh, joy,
they have a map!

So tomorrow
we'll dig it up,

and we'll divvy up
the spoils.

As you can see,
the treasure's
on the island.

It's buried here,

right behind the--

something's happened
to the bug.

Now we're never going
to find the treasure.

Legend has it that it had
pretty necklaces and pearls.

[Sucking]

Nuts. It's empty.

Go to sleep now,
me mateys.

Tomorrow will be
a big day.

Good night, Rex.

Good night.

[Choking]

Ow!
Ow!

Wait a second.

What's wrong
with this picture?

Where's Sam?

After last night...

He couldn't--he couldn't
get up this morning.

Oh, you gold girl.

O.k., the map says
we start at, uh,

the rock of wisdom.

I know where that is.
Let's go.

[Sonja]
Yay!

* why

* why

* why does it happen?

* when I'm talkin',
you don't even listen *

* and if you're speakin',
you don't ask opinions *

* we can see these
problems as one, now *

Watch your
step here.

There's the rock.

Let's go.

Here it is--

the rock of wisdom.

What's so wise
about it?

Well, knock on it.

Read the national lampoon.

It's a kid.

Rocks don't age.

Let me try.

Go back to acting school.

My turn.

Always wear a condom.

I always do.

You haven't gotten laid
in months.

Why, I ought to...

The map says go
due north 300 steps
to wild palms.

That way.

Good luck,
and watch out for snakes.

[Sonja]
26...

27...

28...

29...

30...31...

291, 292, 293,
294, 295...

298, 299, 300.

Well, here it is--
wild palm.

How would you know?

Ha ha ha ha!

See?

The map says go 50 yards
south by southwest

or until you meet
the old hermit.

That way.

What is this,
a safari?

All right.

Ha ha ha ha!

What now?

Beats me.

You looking for
that stupid treasure?

You know
where it is?

I'm the old hermit.
I know everything,

and I wish you people
would leave me alone.

Never stops.
Day and night.

Treasure this,
treasure that.

Can we just
get the treasure,
please?

First you have to pass

the three tests
of valor.

I'm no good
at pop quizzes.

You have to prove
you're warriors worthy
of the treasure.

Well, we're
worthy, right?

Is this an individual
or a group attempt?

Group.
Group.

You give a group discount?

What do you want,
you sniveling
toad sniffer?

Old man, we got
here first, o.K.?

Never mind. They're here,
they're entitled.

Let's get started.

Take your places!

[Ring]

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Sam. What are you
doing, man?

Wake up.

What?

I need you here.

Oh, god.
All right.

This is Ricky tic tic,

your announcer
for this game show.

Welcome to the exciting
new version

of three tests of valor.

We have two exciting teams
competing today.

Team "a."

Let's give them a hand.

And team "b."

Aren't they wonderful?

Boo!
Sss!

You know how
the game's played.
We'll get started.

There are three rounds--

mental, physical,
and spiritual.

We'll start with
the physical round--

tag team ballroom dancing.

I'm good at that.

We'll start with the tango.

[Dave]
Very good.

Music, maestro, please.

[Tango music plays]

Aren't they wonderful?

Look at the rhythm,
the style, the finesse.

[Dave]
Faggots!

They know what
they're doing.

This is not their
first time out.

[Dave]
Ooh, hello.

You go, boy!
Go, boy.

These two have
definite flair.

[Flash]
Come on, Sam.

Dance, mon, yes.

Whoo!

Such grace, such power.

[Dave]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

And now the mambo.

[Mambo music plays]

Everybody's favorite.

Obviously multitalented.

[Dave]
Stop it right now.

I can't take it
anymore.

They don't do this
just for fun.

Aah!

Oh!

Everything for the show.

[Sam]
Go, boy!

Smiling, dancing, happy.

Who could ask
for anything more?

And finally,
the cha cha cha.

[Music plays]

Get loose.
Get funky with it now.

The seduction
of the cha cha cha.

Yes, mon.

Yes, mon.

Brings out the beast
in all of US.

The true taste
of the islands.

And now the winners.
Team "a"...

Oh, yes.
It is US, folks.

Let's hear the judges.

Or team "b."

Come on. You can do
better than that.

What do the judges say?

Team "b" wins.

Yay!
Yay!

Let's hear it
for team "b."

And now we move
to the mental round.

It's a little riddle.

Ooh, I love
little riddles.

Here's the riddle. Tom's
mother had three children.

She named one penny.
She named the other nickel.

What did she name
the third?

Quarter!
Dime.

Half dollar!

George Washington.

Well, his picture's
on the dollar bill.

You're all wrong.

Tom!

[Bell rings]

His name is Tom!

Right. When I
began the riddle,

I said "Tom's mother."

One for this side
and one for that side.

What an exciting game!

And now for round three
and the tie-breaker--

the test of spirituality.

The test of spirituality
determines

who is the worthiest of men.

Put that tongue
away, honey.

Oh, let's see
how they measure up.

Could be a tough one
to call.

You never know
by looking at one's face.

Aha. Seems
a little nervous.

Not a bit
of nerve there.

Hmm...

Want to see it all

or just enough to win?

He makes US
all nervous.

Oh, my god.

We know
who the winner is.

Oh, ladies
and gentlemen,

even our seasoned judge
was struck by that one.

The winner--"a" team.

All right. Let's hear it
for the "a" team.

You have passed
the test of...
Whatever they're called.

Where's the treasure?

Oh, that.
It's on the beach
by the boats.

This is Ricky tic tic,
reminding you

to join US every week...

That treasure
will be mine.

Hey, you can't do that.

They won
fair and square.

Shut up.

You're all winners here
at three tests of valor.

You know,
it's amazing.

We have walked by
this place

every day
for the last week.

I've not once noticed

a sign that says
"treasure here."

That's it.
Morgan the pirate's
treasure.

Open it! Open it!

Not so fast, hemlock.

Carver!

Attack, me mateys!

Just like old times,
carver,

only this time
it's for real.

You, you married?

No.

A nice boy
like you?

I could help you here.

Go away!

Just fight, o.K.?

And you shut up.

Hey, you,
watch your mouth.

Ooh!

I've beat you
in the films,

and I'll beat
you in life.

We'll see about that,
my friend.

Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!

Aah!

Hey, can't we all
just get along?

Come here, big boy.

Ya!ya!

There ain't nobody
around here to fight.

How about each other?

Hey, I like
that idea.

'Round and around
we go.

Have you called
your mother?

I forget.

What kind of son
are you?

I'm a bad boy!

I want my mommy!

I love you, mommy.

Don't hit me, mommy!

Oh, mommy!
I'm sorry, mommy!

Aah!

How about a Mai Tai?

Thrust and parry.

Is that all
you got to say?

Well, look
behind you.

Sure. I'll fall
for that old trick.

Yeah. You're
too stupid.

Fine!

Aah!

Wait.

Um...

Get him, boss!

Conqueringly yours,
carver.

Somebody do something!
He's going to kill Rex!

That's the advantage
of being a villain--

you stay in shape.

You haven't dealt
with me yet, scumbag.

You little pipsqueak.

I'll carve you
into strawberry pie.

Oh, that's-a
my favorite, boss.

With or without
whipped cream?

With.

Aah!

I got you. I got you.
I got you.

Come on. He's yours,
Sam! He's yours!

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Yay, yay!

O.k. All right.

Ha!

Aha!

You're next,
bullet head.

How dare you think

you can
best the great
Babcock hemlock,

king of the hill,

master
of all I survey.

[Voice changing]
I am--i am--i am--

i--i--i--i--i--i--

[high squeaky voice]
I am the meanest
son of a bitch

in all the world.

Some villain.
What a joke.

What did you do?

It's technology.
Deal with it, old man.

I can't be a villain

with
a voice like this.

[Sobbing]

Very good, lads.

Now let's open
the treasure

and pay this fellow
what we owe him.

[Crying]

Huh?

Hey, there's nothing but
cans of film in here.

Is that a fact?

Something called
ace of the skies.

Ace of the skies?

The only existing copy

of the film
in which you starred.

The only movie in which
you played the hero.

I--i thought
it was lost in
the studio fire.

Ha ha ha!
Not this one.

I must have it.
I must have it!

You may have it...

On the condition
that you pay
the mortgage.

Do it.

I agree. I agree.

Movie night!
Movie night!

Movie night!
Let's go!
Come on!

Treasure island
is now the property

of Rex carver.

Ha ha ha!
Thank you all!

Thank you.
I am most grateful

to all of my
wonderful guests.

This vacation
has really changed
everybody's lives.

But never forget,
friends,

that your own individuality

are the most treasured
part of your lives.

You were right, Rex.

You know,
it's better for US

to live our own lives

than to Bury them
in old movies.

Oh, that's good.
Oh...

Ah. And our senior citizens
have learned something, too,

haven't they?

Yes, well...So, Sam,

I guess you'll be going
back to Detroit now.

Uh, no, not at all.

Actually, uncle Rex,

I thought
I'd like to stay

and work with you.

Done.

And what about...

What's-his-name?

Dave.

Well, uncle Rex,

I want to stay

and try to have as many
babies as possible.

Oh, did you know

that ya-ya
is the goddess
of fertility?

Those are all
good choices.

And...

As the great Morgan
the pirate once said,

all's well that ends well.

Uncle--
uncle Rex,

that--that--
that would be
Shakespeare,

actually,
who said that.

I know that.

Remember, lads,
we are fighting

for the glory of england!

We fly against the hun

to drive them back
from whence they came,

for good, forever,
for the love of country.

Tally-ho, cheerio,
good luck, and...

Good flying!

I was good, wasn't I?

Damn good, boss.

This is beautiful,
boss.

You're giving
a very sensitive and
soulful performance.

You look
so derriere.

Daring.

* oh, there's a place
you can go *

* where the people sing

* oopa mocka
locka ocky ya *

* just a little south
of Miami *

* ahh ah-ah
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah *

* you got
your blue suede shoes *

* you got your feet
in the sand *

* oopa mocka
locka ocky ya *

yes. Yeah.

Oh...

Oh!

* ho

* yo ho ho

* oh, where can I go?

* I say oh

it takes me
a while, so...

* yo ho

here it comes.

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* since I met you, baby

overloading.

* I'm livin'
on the last *

wow.

* I found a new place
to dwell *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got my
heartbreak hotel *

* where the people
are runnin' *

* to hide from the sun

* oopa mocka
locka ocky ya *

* mmm, think this is a time
for a frank on a bun *

* ahh ah-ah
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah *

* where the native girls
do the booga-booga dance *

* oopa mocka
locka ocky ya *

* I know this could be
my last chance *

* no

* yo ho ho

* where can I go

* to be alone?

* yo ho

ship ahoy!

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* the bellboys
are always cryin' *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I'm desperate,
where's my sanity *

* in this world?

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got
my heartbreak hotel *

* I knew that it was good
when I met you *

* and now I lay awake
thinking all night *

* let me
be your Teddy bear *

* you can lead me
almost anywhere *

* oh, ring-a-ling-a-ling

* this fast island swing

* some of the girls are dancin'
in the reggae party *

* jing-a-ling-a-ling,
school bell a-ring *

* deejays at the station
spinnin' 'bout everything *

* to the roxy
rhythm 'n' blues *

* some of the people say
that you know you can't lose *

ah ha ha ha ha ha!

* oh

* yo ho ho

* how could I know

* that this is so?

* yo ho

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* since I met you, baby

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I found a new place
to dwell *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got my
heartbreak hotel *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* only the sun beatin'
down upon my face *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* my tan lookin' swell

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm learnin'
how to dance *

* I got
my heartbreak hotel *

* I need a place

* no

* yo ho ho

* where can I go

* to be alone?

* yo ho

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* the bellboys
are always cryin' *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I'm desperate,
where's my sanity *

* in this world?

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got my
heartbreak hotel *

* I knew that it was good
when I met you *

* and now I lay awake
thinkin' all night *

* let me
be your Teddy bear *

* you can lead me
almost anywhere *

* oh, ring-a-ling-a-ling

* this fast island swing

* some of the girls are dancin'
in the reggae party *

* jing-a-ling-a-ling,
school bell a-ring *

* deejays at the station
spinnin' 'bout everything *

* to the roxy
rhythm 'n' blues *

* some of the people say
that you know you can't lose *

ah ha ha ha ha ha!

* oh

* yo ho ho

* how could I know

* that this is so?

* yo ho

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* since I met you, baby

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I found a new place
to dwell *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* I got my
heartbreak hotel *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* only the sun beatin'
down upon my face *

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* my tan lookin' swell

* I'm livin'
on the last *

* with my last resort
vacation *

* I'm learnin'
how to dance *

* I got my
heartbreak hotel... *

captioning made possible
by vidmark entertainment

captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.

Captions copyright 1994
scuba school productions
limited

public performance of captions
prohibited without permission of
national captioning institute