Last Night at the Alamo (1983) - full transcript
The cheerless events on the last night in the existence of a little suburban Houston pub. It has to be closed down for development reasons but one of the regular customers, Cowboy, seems to have friends in high places.
[projector clicking]
[♪]
[♪]
[wind blowing]
[♪]
[♪]
Told that goddamn
son of a bitch
to have
that fuckin' car ready
by five o-goddamn-clock.
Asshole, man.
Now I gotta drive around
all fuckin' weekend
in this goddamn
rat-tail piece of shit.
You know, it's bad enough that
I gotta drive around all week,
now I have to go and drive it
on the fuckin' weekends.
-Son of a bitch.
-William,
-why do you cuss so much?
-Told that man.
I bet you if you went
a whole day without cussin'
you'd just roll over and die.
Well, goddammit, Mary!
I mean, you know,
if you had to drive around
in this rat-tail piece of shit,
wouldn't it piss you off?
Well, now, I haven't said a
whole cuss word yet, have I?
That ain't the point.
You don't have to drive it,
do you?
Well, I still gotta ride in it.
Ain't too different.
The hell it ain't.
[sighs deeply]
All it's gonna take, man,
is just one son of a bitch.
Just one fuckin'
son of a bitch
to just set me right off.
Like that goddamn fuckin'
son of a bitch right there!
-You fat-ass motherfucker!
-[horn honks]
Yeah, you and your
goddamn fat wife!
I bet you got fat kids, too!
William,
that's not very nice.
Ought to be a fuckin' law
against fuckin' fat people.
They can't help it
if they're fat.
Besides,
the way you drink,
you're gonna have
a damn beer gut
before long,
and then what?
You gonna make a law
against yourself?
Now, Mary, fuckin' beer guts
don't fuckin' count, man.
-Oh, yes they do.
-They just--
They don't fuckin'--
-Yes, they do.
Listen, I know a lot of people
got 'em a beer gut
that ain't fuckin' fat.
Oh, who?
Well, Cowboy, and he's
a skinny-ass motherfucker.
[Mary] No, it is fat.
It's a fat, ugly gut.
If there's gonna be a law
against fat people,
there ought to be a law
against beer guts, too.
Don't give me that shit.
Ain't nobody's
gonna vote for it.
Well, I would.
You drink too much.
Mary, just get off me.
I've had-- I've had
a real hard day at work.
I'm driving around in
a rat piece of shit truck.
I take you nice places
all the time,
and you're just givin' me
a lot of shit
and I don't need it.
[♪]
Would you tell me
what you do for me?
-Just one thing!
-We went bowling!
We had a good time down at
the Bowlin' Ball, didn't we?
-Oh, right, ands then you got--
-Oh, shit!
Then you got the man's ball
in your alley!
I took you out to
the Astro Whirl
-and we had a good time.
-Astro Whirl?
-[cowbell jingling]
-[indistinct arguing]
[Mary] The only ride you'd go on
was the bumper cars,
and all I did was stand around
the whole time
and watch you
bang into people!
Well, that ain't no fun!
I'm talkin'
about someplace nice.
♪ [country]
Hey, Ichabod.
What?
My name ain't Ichabod,
goddammit.
What was that ol' gal,
what's-her-name...
The one ol' Cowboy went out
and talked to her daddy.
I don't know
what that ol' gal was.
I don't give a flyin' fuck
who the fuck she was.
Why don't you just go
fuckin' talk with Cowboy, okay?
[phone rings]
Boy, he's mad as hell
about something.
Alamo.
Oh, Marcie.
No, I ain't seen him.
Hold on.
Look, let's just drop it,
okay, Mary?
Please let's just drop it.
Let's not argue tonight.
Let's have a good time.
This is the last night
at the Alamo.
Ain't gonna be Alamo
after this, okay?
Oh, big deal!
Big deal?
Well, yeah,
it is a big deal.
It ain't gonna be
The Alamo after this.
Don't you understand that?
I mean, I might as well
be talkin' to
this goddamn wall
over here.
Well, you just go and talk
to that wall, then.
All right, I will!
You don't understand,
do you?
I mean, this is the last night
at The Alamo, goddammit,
and I might as well be talkin'
to this fuckin' wall over here.
[stammering] You look prettier
than Mary sometimes.
-I can talk to you, at least.
-Can I have a Coca Cola?
I can't fuckin' talk
to Mary no more.
-She just makes me so mad.
-[Bartender] Ichabod!
-What?
-You seen Claude?
[William]
No, I ain't seen Claude,
and my name ain't Ichabod!
It don't say Ichabod
on my Social Security card,
it don't say Ichabod on my
goddamn driver's license,
and it damn sure
don't fuckin' say it
on my fuckin'
birth certificate!
I mean, why can't I have
a neat nickname
like Cowboy does?
Oh, William,
would you get me a Coke?
Please?
Yeah.
Ain't nobody seen him.
-[woman] Skipper!
-Look, Marcie,
I don't follow him around
all day.
I'm not a private detective,
and this isn't no
telephone answering service.
I gotta go, Marcie.
Goodbye.
[woman]
Hey, Skipper, come on,
give me some ice here.
Shit.
[can clatters]
Hey, there's ol' Claude.
How you been, man?
Not worth a shit.
[man] Somebody else
got the red ass.
[growls]
[man] What the hell's
the matter with you?
Step in an ant bed?
Ah, Marcie kicked
my damn ass out.
-Piss me off!
-Oh, shit.
Skipper, give me a beer.
Said she didn't give a damn
flyin' dog fuck what I did.
I can sleep it off in
the damn truck if I wanted to.
Shit.
Cares more about
that yappy dog of hers
than she does me.
Tell you one thing...
that damn dog never
had to sleep outside,
and I ain't never
shit on the carpet.
[Skipper]
Goddammit, Wayne.
Shit, it ain't
that goddamn funny.
[Claude] About as funny as
a goddamn trick cigar.
How long I been livin' there?
Six, seven, eight months?
[Wayne]
Something like that.
Yeah, I ain't never even
set foot on that damn carpet.
She's got all this rubber shit
laid out all over everywhere,
and I gotta take my boots off
before I can even walk on that.
All she cares about
is that goddamn house.
Goddamnit, pisses me off.
I work my butt off
seven days a goddamn week.
You wanna know what for?
That goddamn house.
She don't give a shit about me.
Hell, no.
It's that goddamn house.
She don't even like
her own kids anymore.
It's all that goddamn house.
Fancy-ass goddamn
piece of shit with...
garbage disposal, and...
smoke alarms
and a bunch of shit,
fuckin' fancy
garage door openers,
or whatever you call 'em,
out there...
way away from all the niggers
out there in...
Sunhaven,
or Haven some kind of shit,
Snothaven
for all I goddamn care,
wherever it is
the hell I live.
Goddammit, I never even liked
the son of a bitch.
I didn't even want it
in the first goddamn place.
But she had to have it.
Goddamn couldn't live
without it.
Shit, now she--
now she don't want me
to park my truck out front
'cause she's afraid
the neighbors
are gonna find
out I work for a living.
Shit, that pisses me off.
Goddamn,
that pisses me off!
[indistinct chatter]
Goddammit, Skipper,
give me another beer.
Shit!
What are you drinking?
Goddammit, I'm buying,
Lone Star, Skipper.
Yeah, serve 'em up.
How 'bout y'all?
You want a beer?
[man] Yeah,
I'll have one.
Hell yeah.
Serve 'em up, Skipper.
How 'bout y'all?
Whatever y'all want!
[woman]
Yeah, sure thing.
Hey, Willy,
you want a beer?
I might have one, Claude.
Hey, give ol' Willy
a damn beer.
Who's that back there?
Ichabod?
Hey, Ichabod,
you want a beer?
My name ain't Ichabod,
Claude,
and yeah,
I want a beer.
[Claude]
How 'bout Mary?
Drinkin' Coke.
Yeah, hell yeah.
Goddamn can't dance.
Shit!
Work my butt off
seven days a week
in the damn sun,
get home and...
shit hits the fan.
I mean shit!
You ain't tellin' me nothin'.
What?
What did I do?
Did I say something
to piss you off?
Goddamn,
can't win for losing.
Goddamn old lady kick
my ass out when I come home,
then here, and shit!
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Skipper,
if I said something
to piss you off I'm sorry, man.
I ain't pissed off at you.
It's that damn Marcie's
what it is.
She's always callin' down here
lookin' for you
and then she wants
to fuss at me.
Told her I don't wanna hear it.
None of my damn business.
Yeah, shit, yeah.
Claude, you seen Cowboy?
Huh?
No, I ain't seen him.
Hey, you wanna hear a good one
on ol' Cowboy,
get ol' Lionel to tell you
about the time
him and ol' Cowboy went down
to Nuevo Laredo.
Don't feel too complimented
'cause she's trying
to pick you up.
I guarantee you,
she can pick up some scum.
Well, now, wait, she was
about to pick me up.
I said don't feel complimented.
[Claude]
Shit, goddammit.
Skipper, give me
some damn quarters.
[indistinct chatter]
[cowbell jingles]
[indistinct chatter]
[Ginger] Lisa,
I don't know about this.
[Lisa] God, Ginger,
look at this place.
My daddy used to go to a place
like this when I was little.
-Yeah, I'm leaving.
-I don't think there's--
Come on, Ginger, don't be
a stick in the mud.
-Come on.
-Sit down, okay?
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Whoo!
Would you look at that?
Hey, come on over!
Join the party!
-Look what the cat drug in.
-We don't bite.
Yeah, hey, looky here.
Done had all my shots.
Don't pay no attention to him.
Ain't none of 'em half as bad
as they think.
That's for sure.
All bark and no bite.
[Skipper]
Come on over.
Beer's nice and cold.
How you doin', sweetums?
Ichabod!
Ow! Shit.
Dammit, Mary.
I'm just funnin'.
That's all I'm doing.
It's your play.
This one's on me,
Skipper.
-Hey, where do you girls work?
-Ectron.
I never even missed
even a damn day at work.
That ain't too shabby, is it?
♪ [Country]
Well, if they grow up
thinking their daddy's a drunk,
it's 'cause their damn mother
tells 'em he is.
Ain't never seen me drunk,
'cept maybe once.
A six pack, Marcie.
A six pack!
Damn little ol' six pack.
You know damn good and well
no six pack ain't gonna
get me drunk.
The day a damn six pack'll
get me drunk
I'll bend over and kiss
your mother's ass.
She ain't never liked my ass,
not even when we was
just goin' together.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
Cowboy ain't got jack shit
to do with this!
I know she don't like me.
Goddamn, I'm not sayin' that.
All I'm sayin' is...
It's 'cause she's...
She knows he's my good friend,
you know?
It ain't got nothing
to do with him!
You know, she don't even
hardly know him.
All the time got to blame
everything on goddamn Cowboy.
Shit!
It ain't Cowboy,
it's that goddamn house!
[Wayne] Lionel!
Come here, goddammit.
I got some people
I want you to meet.
-This here is Lisa.
-[Lisa] How do you do?
And that over there is Ginger.
I was thinkin' maybe you'd
tell us the one about the time
that you and ol' Cowboy
went down to Nuevo Laredo.
What about it?
What do you mean
"what about it"?
Tell 'em the goddamn story.
About the time we went
down there to Nuevo Laredo?
Yeah, that's the one,
and this little ol' Mexican gal
falls in love with ol' Cowboy.
Well, that about tells it.
Wasn't much more to it
than that.
[giggling] Come on.
You can tell us.
Can't be that bad.
Yeah, come on, Lionel.
Tell the goddamn story.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
Can I come home?
I ain't goddammit drunk,
Marcie! Shit!
Well, where was I
supposed to go?
If you hadn't-a kicked me out...
You know, I--
I wasn't gonna go nowhere.
If you hadn't-a kicked me out
I'd be home right now
watchin' TV.
Hell, I don't know.
I guess I just ain't
any good for you anymore.
Maybe you ought to divorce me
and marry
some damn stock broker.
Shit!
[falsetto voice]
Hon, would you...
put on a shirt
before you come to the table?
It don't look right.
Would you mind?
[normal voice]
You're goddamn right I mind!
I can't even fart in front of
my own damn kids anymore!
Shit!
Well, at least they'll grow up
half-ways knowin'
what their damn ass hole is for!
Marcie? Shit!
Y'all were drunk.
Y'all decided you were gonna
take a little drive
down to Nuevo Laredo.
Yeah...
Think it was
something like that.
Pretty close.
Well, then what?
Well, I don't hardly remember
drivin' down there.
Marcie? Shit!
...it is 50 cent beer night.
We could go back then
come back later, or something.
See, I don't know.
I mean,
Can't we just go off someplace
by ourselves?
We can go off someplace
by ourselves.
It's just that I wanna come
back here before last call.
I don't wanna miss that.
Do you just not wanna
be with me or what?
Goddammit, Mary!
Would you just please
shut the fuck up for me?
-I'm tryin' to be nice to you--
-Hey, old buddy,
-have you seen Cowboy?
-And I don't understand-- What?
No, I ain't seen Cowboy
tonight, Claude,
and I don't give
a goddamn flying fuck
-about seein' Cowboy!
-I'm sorry.
-And my name ain't Ichabod!
-I thought y'all was
through talkin'
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Can't a man have some kinda
private conversation
around here
without being interrupted?
I'm gonna
kick some ass tonight.
What's the matter with you?
That's a perfectly good ol' hat.
Goddamn Ichabod's
wound up tighter than
a two dollar wristwatch.
Shit!
Well, now,
that wasn't very nice.
You didn't have to
take it out on him.
Me? You talkin' to me?
Well, just 'cause
you're mad at me
ain't no reason!
Let me have a beer,
Skipper.
Claude, how do you get this
son of a bitch to talk?
[Claude] Who? Lionel?
First off, I wouldn't
call him "son of a bitch."
[Claude speaks indistinctly]
Now, if you took
a pair of vice grips
and cinched them up
on his ear there
and give 'em a good ol' twist,
you might get a little ol'
squeal out of him or something.
That count?
Howdy, my name's Claude.
-I don't believe we've met.
-I'm Lisa.
-Pleased to meet you.
-Hi, I'm Ginger.
My pleasure.
Aw, nobody ever got
a word outta ol' Lionel
he didn't wanna give 'em.
Kinda like pulling hen's teeth.
Ain't that right?
Any way you could get him
to tell us
about the time
him and ol' Cowboy
went down to Nuevo Laredo?
Claude!
I know that.
I know all about that.
[Ray]
Claude, goddammit!
[woman]
Gee, thanks a lot!
You're supposed to be here
with me.
-[indistinct dialog]
-Claude!
Claude, goddammit!
What was the name
of that ol' gal?
What's-her-name?
The one Cowboy
supposedly knocked up?
Cowboy stories.
You mean the one where ol'--
Her daddy took ol' Cowboy
out back there?
-[Ray] Yeah!
-Big ol' cahunga badongas?
-[Ray] Yeah!
-Kathleen Geautreaux.
[Ray]
Yeah, that's it!
Her daddy was a mean
coon-ass son of a bitch!
Yeah!
What it was was...
her old daddy
took Cowboy out back there
and asked him what
him and her plans was.
Cowboy, he figured,
"Well, fuck, I'm gonna
get my ass whipped."
Tells him, "Well,
all the plans we have is to go
to the drive-in Friday night."
That's all there was to it.
That's all it was?
Shit.
What it was,
just this little Mexican whore
took a liking to Cowboy
and wanted to come
back over here with him,
her and her kid.
So she laid down
in front of his car
and wouldn't let him go.
And so here come
the Federales,
and Cowboy and Lionel
had to take off.
They damn near got thrown
in the damn callaboose.
Ain't neither one of them been
down there ever since,
I don't think.
You been down there, Lionel?
-Nope.
-[Mary] Well, I guess
this means
we're gonna stay here, huh?
Uh, Skipper, gimme a beer!
-Excuse me.
-What?
Listen, Mary, I ain't
gonna get goddamn drunk.
[belches]
Do I know you or something?
Just forget I asked.
[indistinct chatter]
[chatter continues]
[Claude]
I make a damn livin'.
I make a damn good livin'.
I work hard.
[indistinct chatter]
Are you drunk?
Do I look drunk?
[Mary] I know your eye
ain't twitchin' yet.
Well, am I acting drunk?
[Mary] You durn near
knocked that girl off her stool.
Well, darlin', if you
hadn't been yapping' at me
I woulda watched
where I was goin'.
Well, it's just that I
don't want things to happen
like they did the last time.
Oh, goddammit, Mary,
I swear, the one time
I get drunk,
you ain't never gonna
let me hear the end of it.
One time?
What about the last time
that we came here?
You were drunk
when you picked me up,
and then you go and pass out
out at the horseshoe pits.
Wayne had to take me home.
And then he tried
to put the make on me.
He did what?
Where is that goddamn
son of a bitch Wayne?
Oh, William, quit.
He didn't mean anything.
Well, I though you said that he
tried to put the make on you.
Well... sort of.
Well sorta?
Did he or didn't he?
He didn't even touch me.
He didn't even
say two words to me.
He sure better not have.
Just that I knew he'd like
to be with me is all.
What in the hell is that
supposed to mean?
[man]
Goddammit, let me go.
I ain't gonna until
you promise me
you're not gonna
try that shit anymore!
[man] Come on, boys,
break it up.
Hey, what do you two boys
think you're doin'?
Boy howdy.
Charlie says I can't
make a combination shot.
It's okay to make
a combination shot.
Off my goddamn ball?
What wrong with you, man?
Don't you know
how to play pool?
[overlapping argument]
-Hey, down in front!
-Get him!
Okay, I'll turn you loose,
but you better not try that
shit anymore, all right?
All right, all right.
Let me go.
I mean it.
[indistinct dialog]
[man] Come on,
put the stop on it, Bo!
[overlapping argument]
It's about time something
got started around here.
Hell, yeah! Why not?
Dammit, I don't want
no trouble around here.
I don't need to listen to
that kind of shit from him!
Ain't nobody gonna
talk to me like that!
Don't tell me!
You don't think
things don't work that way
around here, Ichabod.
Same thing goes for you.
You come in here
and think you're gonna
start some kind of a ruckus,
you can leave right now!
Okay, let's get outta here.
[pool cues clatter]
[indistinct argument]
Calm down. Calm down.
Thought somethin'
was gonna happen.
Have you lost your mind?
I ain't gonna let two sons
of bitches talk to me that way!
[indistinct chatter]
♪ [Country]
[door squeaks]
You want a beer, Cowboy?
Yeah, Poke.
Damn, Skipper,
who were those guys?
I don't know.
I never saw 'em before.
What'd you do to run
those boys off so fast?
Hey, it's Cowboy!
Ichabod, put that thing down,
it might be loaded.
Cowboy!
[chuckling]
How you doin', buddy?
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Lionel, what do you have to say
for yourself?
Steve, how you doin'?
Ah, so-so.
Well, I ain't seen you
in quite a while.
That ain't my fault,
pussy-whipped son of a bitch.
Goddammit,
I can't deny it.
Old Marcie whooped my ass
and kicked me down
out the front door.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, goddamn her ass.
What's--
Who's that over there?
I haven't seen her
in there before.
Ah, who knows?
Wandered in off the street.
Got a friend
back in the powder room.
Goddamn women.
What've you been doin'?
Oh, not too much.
Quit my damn job.
Goddamn, Cowboy,
you better watch that shit.
You about to get to where ain't
nobody gonna hire your old ass.
You about half way
there already.
Hell, I ain't gonna
worry about it.
What I oughta do is go out
and be in the damn movies
is what I oughta do.
Nah, some son of a bitch'll
hire my ass.
Ain't nobody ever said
I didn't do good work.
They might not like
the way I do it,
but that's they damn problem.
-Right, Lionel?
-Yeah, I reckon.
You gonna be around here
with us for the last night?
-[Lionel] Might as well.
-That's good, then.
So anyway, this is what
that son of a bitch did.
I'm up there on the rig,
and I gotta jerk
all this goddamn concrete
out of the forms.
Well, they got a crew
down there
supposed to
keep the forms greased,
otherwise every time
you jerk the shit out
it's gonna break the form.
So I jerk
the son of a bitch out
and the goddamn form breaks.
And here comes
this goddamn foreman.
There's nothing
I can do about it.
It's not my job.
So he's been fuckin' with me
all day long,
so I climb down off the rig,
and I go up to him, I say,
"If you wanna have a go at it,
you can go ahead,
but before you get up there,
get your ass
over in that office
and tell that fat-ass secretary
you been fuckin'
to draw my check,
'cause I'm gone."
[chuckling]
Well, that son of a bitch
is used to a bunch of
kiss-ass motherfuckers.
I guarantee he was
none too pleased about that.
Well, here I go, boys.
Wanna wish me luck?
The very best.
I'll even say a little prayer
for ya.
-Cowboy.
-Hey, Willie.
How you doin'?
You need a beer?
[stammering]
I'm fine, Cowboy.
Okay, Willie, I'll talk to you
in a little bit, okay?
Okay.
Skipper, give me
another Lone Star.
Comin' right up, Cowboy.
-Well, how are you?
-Fine, thank you.
You must be Cowboy.
I'm Lisa.
-Been hearin' all about you.
-Oh, you have?
Well, don't believe
everything you hear.
A lot of these boys would rather
go without food and water
than to tell you the truth.
No, it's been all good.
All good?
Lionel, what've you been tellin'
this nice little lady here?
I didn't tell her nothin'.
What do you think of
the old Alamo here?
It's great.
Too bad they're gonna
tear it down.
Oh, we're gonna sees
what we can do about that.
Shit, Cowboy,
what can you do?
You just hang in there,
old buddy.
I might just show you
a little something.
[mouthing]
Excuse me.
Now, take care of Steve.
Watch out for him.
He just acts dumb.
[video game sounds]
Knock 'em dead, Poke.
Hey, Mary.
How's it going?
[indistinct dialog]
Can't win 'em all,
I guess.
Hey, killer.
Cowboy.
Cowboy, you shoulda seen it.
I nearly beat them two
sons of bitches up in here.
Yeah, well they did
look scared.
I'm sorry I missed that.
[chuckling]
Oh, yeah, uh, listen.
I gotta ask you
for a little favor.
Come here for a second.
I gotta talk to you.
Uh... listen, Cowboy.
Listen, I'm thinkin'
that I wanna take Mary
over to the Paradise Motel,
'cause, you know, my place
has got too many roaches,
and she's staying
with her folks and all.
You think that you might
be able to lend me $50?
-Yes, no problem.
-'Cause I'll pay you back.
You know, when I see you.
As long as it's
for a good cause.
I guess ol' John Henry's
a good enough cause as any.
-What'd you say, 50?
-Yeah.
No, wait, look, just put it
back in your pocket,
because I don't want Mary to--
I mean, if she sees it,
it blows the whole deal.
You know what I mean?
Just don't tell nobody about
the Paradise Motel, okay?
No problem, Ichabod.
I'll be around.
[laughs] Okay.
Thanks, Cowboy.
Claude! Claude!
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
[♪]
[crickets chirping]
Yeah, but I wouldn't
let it worry me.
[sighs]
I don't know.
She ain't never kicked
my ass out before.
Goddamn, Claude.
Doesn't make any difference.
It's just like when y'all
were goin' together.
She'd quit your ass
every other week.
-Huh?
-Yeah.
Then y'all'd be
back together again,
rubbin' up next to each other,
slobberin' all over each other.
Make me sick to my stomach.
Yeah, but it ain't the same.
Seems like all she cares about
is this stuff.
Shit.
Sits around thinkin' about it
all day.
Her and her neighbor friends.
Goddamn microwave ovens,
color TVs...
goddamn...
private goddamn telephones
for the goddamn kids.
You believe that shit?
Private damn phones
for the kids.
They even got their own
whatcha-call-it thing
in the phone book.
We'll be in a bit, Poke.
Shit, the little farts
get all that shit given to 'em.
I remember when you were
a lucky son of a bitch
to get the old man's car
on Friday night.
Remember that?
Damn, she wants my ass home
as soon as I get off work.
Shit!
[sighs]
Used to be she'd maybe
get pissed off
if I didn't come home
'til real late,
or didn't call,
you know?
That was more like...
she'd get pissed off 'cause...
she hadn't got to go,
you know?
Like I was havin' all the fun
and she was stuck home with
the kids.
Isn't that way no more.
That's for damn sure.
Hell, I don't know.
Goddamn computer programmer
son of a bitch
live down the street from me...
Hell, I make more money
than he does,
but that ain't good enough!
No way!
She wants my ass out of
that oil patch is what it is.
Shit!
If I'd a gone to college
it might have been different.
You know?
Hell, we got married
right out of high school.
Hell, buddy,
I hate to see you...
suckin' the hind tit
like this.
Shouldn't oughta be.
What if she was married to
an old... asshole like me.
Then she'd really have
something to complain about.
Wouldn't she?
Yeah, fuck.
I don't know what she wants.
She don't know what she wants.
Shit.
Hell, I ain't gonna change.
[crickets chirping]
[bottle cap clatters]
[Cowboy]
Hey, hey.
Did you ever get
any of that stuff?
Once.
It was right before me
and Marcie got married.
She more or less always had
a couple or three ol' boys
come around
every now and again.
As far as I know bein' married
ain't changed that none.
I don't know what ol' Jake
thinks about that.
You ever get any of that?
Even back in high school?
I don't need no dirty leg.
I don't know about that.
Not exactly what I'd call
a dirty leg.
Janice don't fuck just anybody.
It ain't like that.
It's more or less
always the same ones.
I don't see much of
a difference. Do you?
I tell you what.
She did me
a whole world of good.
She damn near about
fucked my ears off.
That's all I have to say
about that.
That's right.
[bottle cap clinks]
Okay, who's the asshole?
[Claude] It's me, Claude,
and Cowboy!
Claude?
-Claude Jeter?
-[Claude] Yeah!
Well, I'll be darned.
Who'd you say is with you?
[Claude] Cowboy!
You remember Cowboy!
Cowboy, hmm.
Yeah, I remember Cowboy.
How you doin', Cowboy?
Are you gonna talk to me?
[Cowboy]
How you doin', Janice?
Well, la-di-da!
Well, I'm just doin' fine,
thank you.
What're y'all doin'
sittin' out there?
[Claude] Well, we about got
the world situation figured out.
Now all I gotta do
is figure a way
to get Marcie off of my ass.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
It's always those darn women.
They didn't have
all the pussy,
there'd be a bounty
on their heads.
Isn't that right, Cowboy?
[Cowboy]
You said it, I didn't.
Yeah, but you were
thinkin' it.
-[phone ringing]
-Oh, gotta get my phone.
You come see me some time,
Claude, you hear?
[phone ringing]
Bye, assholes.
Oh, hey Cowboy.
You busy?
Uh, no, Ichabod.
What'd you say? 50?
Yeah, listen, I'm sorry
I have to ask you for this,
but you remember that bug juice
I mixed up wrong,
fucked up that guy's house,
lit it on fire and everything?
-Yeah.
-Well,
they're fucking me up at
work because of that.
-They docking you for that?
-Mm-hmm.
But, you know, I just wanna--
You know, tell you what.
Listen, I heard
you quit your job.
-Can you afford this?
-No, I'm flush.
-It's all right.
-Okay.
You sure you don't wanna go to
the Hyatt or some nice place?
Oh, no, no, no,
'cause at the Paradise,
they got X-rated TV, you know?
[chuckling]
-You have a good time, buddy.
-All right.
I'll be back in there
in a minute.
Thanks, Cowboy.
You oughta come go be
in the movies with me.
Now's as good a time as any.
I'm outta work,
Marcie kicked your ass out.
-She did.
-That's what we oughta do.
Hell, all them old guys
had a partner.
Goddamn, Cowboy.
I can't go be in
no damn movies with you.
Shit.
It ain't all as goddamn easy
as you make it sound.
I don't care
what anybody told you.
Otherwise, everybody'd be
in the damn movies.
You don't think I could be
like a goddamn John Wayne?
Huh?
They don't have those guys
out there anymore.
They got Clint Eastwood,
but Robert Redford
or John Travolta?
Shit.
They're not makin' movies
like that.
It wouldn't be two weeks
and we'd be in the movies.
They need guys like us.
Goddammit, Cowboy,
I'm serious.
Me and Marcie
been goin' together
ever since the ninth grade.
Got two little ol' boys
I gotta take care of.
Shit.
Hey, Cowboy!
Ol' Hector's here.
Think the son of a bitch
wants to chug-a-lug.
I told him no way, bubbaroo!
Uh-huh.
Uh, Poke,
tell him I'm busy
and I'll be in there
to talk to him in a minute.
Okay.
I can't be doin' this shit.
What am I talking about?
If it wasn't for ol' Marcie,
I wouldn't be worth
a goddamn dog shit.
It's the damn truth.
If she wasn't on my ass
all the time...
I'd be a screwed-up
son of a bitch.
Just like my durn ol' daddy.
That's a piss poor way to live.
Drink, goddamn gamble,
chase women.
Never have a pot to piss in or
a window to throw it out of.
Goddamn, Claude,
ol' Marcie's about got your ass
right where she wants it.
I mean...
Hey, Cowboy!
♪ [Country]
-Come here.
-How you doin', my friend?
Good to see you.
[speaking Spanish]
Ah, good.
How's the restaurant business?
Oh, it's a little slow
and a little...
-Yeah?
-You know how it is.
Yeah, I need to get
back into enchiladas.
Drop by any time.
We'll fix you up good.
Okay, good, good, good.
They really gonna
tear this old place down?
That's what somebody told me.
Is this gonna be
the last night at The Alamo?
Well, it's lookin' that way.
What's the matter, Cowboy?
Afraid you ain't gonna
get a chance to be a hero?
Come on.
How 'bout it, Cowboy?
Give me one more chance.
Just one more chance.
I'll pay for the beer,
win or lose.
It don't make no difference.
One time.
One time, Hector,
and that's it.
That's it, you beat me...
Ah, there you are.
I was worrying' about you.
-You okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-You sure?
-Uh-huh.
Where's Claude?
-He's over on the phone.
-Oh.
You know, that Cowboy guy
is kinda cute.
[chuckling]
Hey, you know what you get
when you cross a-- a burro
with a-- an onion?
No, I won't, Marcie!
I told you I'm not gonna
do that shit anymore!
If that's the way it's
gotta be, I can live with it.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
I know. I know
I've said it before
but this is different.
'Cause I say so.
Well, what do you want
me to do, Marcie?
I ain't that damn dog.
I ain't gonna sit up and beg
if that's what you want.
-[laughing]
-Okay, let's get it over with.
Let's go!
Poke!
Go out to my truck and
get that bottle of tequila!
[Poke] All right!
What are you lookin' at,
old buddy?
Steve, why don't you go throw
a cat off a bridge or something.
Funny man.
Lisa, would you let ol' Hector
get in here?
We got a little business
to take care of.
Don't go far.
[man]
Chug-a-lug!
Chug-a-lug?
Yee-hoo!
Cowboy, all right!
Ha ha!
Oh!
What's wrong, Mary?
-Come on--
-You're takin' me home.
Oh, come on, darlin'.
Let's just stay.
We're gonna watch
Hector and Cowboy.
They're gonna do
chug-a-lug. Okay?
-William!
-It'll be over in a minute.
Please? I got $10
ridin' on Cowboy,
says he's gonna win.
Please?
A couple of days?
Goddammit, I ain't got
no clothes, Marcie!
That ain't worth a shit!
-[William hooting]
-[Mary screams]
Goddammit!
Goddammit!
If I get drunk I'm gonna puke
on your mama's porch!
Goddammit!
Skipper, set 'em up.
[man]
Twenty dollars on Hector!
I got a piece of that action!
-Hector--
-Five on Cowboy.
How many Aggies does it take
to eat an armadillo?
-How many?
-Two.
One to eat 'em, and one
to watch for the car.
[laughing]
Poke, where's that bottle?
Here you go, Cowboy.
Whoop some ass.
-Tequila.
-Tequila!
Ooh!
Pour 'em tall, Cowboy.
[overlapping dialog]
Hector...
how do you get a--
No more. No more jokes.
Let's drink up.
-Call it, Skipper.
-[Skipper] Okay, you all set?
On your marks,
get set, go!
[all shouting]
[shouting continues]
[cheering]
Way to go, Cowboy!
[overlapping shouts]
Cowboy, you got it!
Nice try, Hector.
Nice try.
[♪]
Well, don't I get a victory
kiss or something like that?
Isn't that the way
it usually goes?
Hey, Cowboy! Cowboy!
How 'bout givin' me a chance.
Poke, it looks like
it'd only take one beer
to float your ass out of here.
What's the matter, Cowboy?
-Afraid Poke'll whip your ass?
-I ain't drunk.
-Poke'll do it! You watch!
-Look here, I ain't drunk.
Hell, Cowboy, he's not drunk.
Give the kid a chance.
He ain't drunk!
Okay, Poke, one time.
All right!
[woman]
Cowboy's gonna be drunk.
[woman 2] I know my Poke.
[giggles]
[Skipper] Okay, Poke.
You ready?
-I'm ready!
-[Skipper] Ready, Cowboy?
On your marks,
get set, go!
[all shouting]
[woman] Look at him drink!
Go, go, go, go!
[man] Come on, hustle!
[cheering]
[shouting continues]
Whoo!
Yeah, Poke,
you whipped him!
I did it!
I beat the Cowboy!
-[woman] Yay!
-Cowboy my ass.
Poor Cowboy.
Shit, poor Cowboy.
He ain't nothin'.
Good job, Poke.
It's about time
I got my ass beat.
[slurring]
Oh, it was that close.
Excuse me a minute.
I'll be back.
Don't go away.
[Cowboy]
Fuck you, Steve.
Hey, Claude!
Claude, you see your old buddy
get his ass whipped?
Gonna save The Alamo.
Gonna be a hero.
Shit.
You ever get the feeling
that Cowboy's
just plain full of shit?
Ichabod! Ichabod!
What?
What ya need, Cowboy?
-Go get me some quarters.
-All right.
-Hurry back. Real quick.
-Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
♪ [Country]
Uh, yeah,
I need to call Austin,
for, uh, Richard Waters.
Representative Richard Waters.
Uh-huh.
Is that the number
there at the Capitol?
Uh-huh. Okay.
Thank you!
Ichabod!
Yeah, I'm comin',
I'm comin'.
There you go.
-Thank you, buddy.
-Yep.
You know, I bet if Cowboy
told you to jump
in the shit channel,
you would.
Uh, yeah.
I need to call... 512...
526-8730.
Okay.
[coins clattering]
Mm-hmm.
-Uh, yes.
-[coins clatter]
Is Richard there?
Cowboy Regan.
Regan.
Uh-huh.
Well, do you expect him back?
Well, can somebody go get him?
[stammering]
Well, this is important.
I wouldn't be callin'
if it wasn't important.
Regan. Cowboy Regan.
R-E-G-A-N.
Well...
Well, tell him I ca--
Will you take this message?
Tell him that Cowboy called
from Houston.
Cowboy called from Houston,
and have him call me
as soon as he gets in.
I need a favor.
713-926-0441.
4-1.
Cowboy Regan.
Tell him it's very important.
And I'll be--
[♪]
No, you're not gonna leave me
on my butt...
darlin', no more.
[smooching]
-[giggling]
-Why? Come on.
[drunken stammering]
Mary, goddammit.
It wouldn't be
no goddamn fuckin' surprise
if I told you what it was,
would it?
Now, when you talk to me
you keep that eye open.
I don't wanna see it twitchin'
no more.
I'm tryin' not to.
It's just--
it's goin' here...
Stop for five seconds...
Well, hey, buddy!
Who died?
Skipper, give me a Lone Star,
will you?
-You need a beer?
-I'm fine.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
I'll tell you one damn thing.
I might have to kick some ass
before this night's over.
Steve.
Been on my ass all night long.
Yeah.
Been giving me shit
since high school.
Remember that,
when I backed him down?
-Yeah.
-Chicken shit.
Chicken shit.
So what's your problem?
[sighs]
Marcie wants me to
check into a motel
-for a couple days.
-A motel?
Says she needs time to discover
what her real needs are.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I don't know.
Shit. [sighs]
I saw y'all.
You been makin' goo-goo eyes
at each other all night.
I have not.
Ginger...
I'm just liable to discover
some damn needs myself.
Matter of fact,
that don't sound half bad.
Shit.
Yeah, I'll just call those
sons of bitches up at work,
tell 'em I need a couple,
three weeks off,
tell 'em I got some needs
I got to discover.
[Cowboy]
That'd go over real big.
Yeah, wouldn't it?
Shit.
Hell, ain't a damn day goes by
I don't see a whole
hell of a lot of needs...
could use
some damn discoverin'.
I know what you mean.
I'm fixin' to do some
discoverin' right over there.
Her girlfriend
ain't bad lookin' either.
You interested?
-I don't know.
-Huh?
If I go walkin' out of here
with some woman,
it won't be five minutes before
Marcie knows all about it.
Shit.
[sighs]
Then the shit'll really
hit the goddamn fan.
I better not.
Not here.
Well, if you change your mind,
you'll know where to find me.
Mm-hmm.
[laughing]
-Whoa.
-Whoo! Sorry.
Get this girl another beer.
Skipper, get her another beer.
Wayne, there's a long distance
phone call for you, buddy.
A woman on the line.
Excuse me.
Uh-uh-uh, not fair.
Fair?
Who said anything about fair?
Me. I did.
Darling, with you,
everything is fair.
Uh-oh.
I'm not so sure about you.
Lisa, I told you so.
Ginger,
would you just drop it?
What's there to know?
I'm handsome, charming,
everything you could ever want.
Ooh, Mary, lookie.
Lookie, lookie over there.
Cowboy, he's makin' a move
on that ol' girl.
Oh, shoot, her?
What does she want with Cowboy?
What do you think she wants
with ol' Cowboy?
Well now, Cowboy don't
stand a chance with her!
He's just some dumb redneck
to her.
Cowboy ain't no dumb redneck,
darlin'.
[Mary] Oh, he is to her.
Well, how'd you know?
[Mary] Well, I just do!
I can tell by lookin'.
[chuckles]
Can't tell nothin'
by lookin', darlin'.
Now, what do you think's
gonna happen
when he takes
his hat off, huh?
A horse?
No, I don't have a horse.
What would I want with a horse?
Do you have a horse?
Lookit, lookit, lookit
that whatcha-call-it thing
she's got on there.
Bet it cost
near 100 durn dollars.
-A hundred dollars?
-Yeah, I bet.
Maybe even more.
Wouldn't surprise me.
A hundred dollars
for a little pair of pants
and top thing like that?
Oh, come on, Mary,
you could go
over to "Monkey Ward's"
and you could buy a whole slew
of clothes for 100 dollars.
Yeah, but she wouldn't be
caught dead in "Monkey Ward's."
Oh, you're pullin' my leg.
Uh-uh.
Cowboy. Cowboy.
Hey, Cowboy.
What, Steve?
[Steve]
What's all this bullshit
about savin' the place?
It isn't gettin' any earlier.
I got a call in to the
State Legislature right now.
[Steve]
Yeah? Who do you know?
Richard Waters.
I roomed with him
that semester I went to A&M.
[Steve]
What's he got to say?
Well, he's on the house floor
right now,
but he's gonna call me
as soon as he gets free.
[Steve]
Sure, he is.
You let me worry
about that, Steve.
[indistinct chatter]
Why not, darlin'?
You can't just go over there
and ask people
how much their stuff is.
-But how else--
-Ain't none of your business.
Well, how else
am I gonna find out?
I mean,
she ain't gonna care.
-Oh, huh.
-Oh, come on, darlin'.
I'm just gonna go right on
over there and find out.
All she can do is say no.
-No, William!
-[William laughs]
Oh, I swear...
How 'bout Jimmy Nelson?
You like him?
Yeah, he's great.
Have you heard that
new, uh, album, Tumbleweeds ?
-No, it just come out?
-It's real good.
Yeah, I got a tape of it
in the truck.
You wanna go listen to it?
-Sounds good.
-Let's go.
Just a minute.
Hey, I'm gonna go sit outside
for a minute, okay?
Uh-uh.
Wait a second.
I'm not gonna
stay here by myself.
Come on, Ginger,
just for a minute.
I'm not gonna do anything.
-You don't even know him.
-Come on.
[sighs]
Sure.
-What about Randy?
-What about Randy?
Lionel, keep her entertained.
Will you?
Oh, hey, Cowboy,
where you goin'?
Uh, outside for a minute,
Ichabod.
Uh, can I ask her a question?
What?
[William]
Can you tell me, darlin',
how much that thing cost?
I mean, how much
that outfit cost?
That cost over 100 dollars?
You get it at "Monkey Wards"?
Ichabod,
go back and play pool.
-Okay, I'm sorry I asked.
-[cowbell dings]
[♪]
[crickets chirping]
Now, it's...
It's more or less
one of those deals,
all we gotta do is
show up out there
and we got the job.
But Claude doesn't know anything
about this type of thing.
He'd rather stay here and bitch
with his old lady than
go out there and
be in the movies.
Uh-huh.
But I gotta have a partner.
You gotta have a sidekick.
That's part of the deal.
What's this movie about?
It's a western.
Cowboy movie.
What's the name of this movie?
-Huh?
-What's the name of this movie?
Uh, it's...
I can't even remember
the name of it.
[laughs]
No, give me a minute, uh...
It's, uh...
Come on, you're gonna
have fun, Lois!
[overlapping chatter]
You're nothing but
a bunch of idiots.
Oh, come on, Lois.
No, I ain't goin'.
Hell, we're goin' to Shorty's
and dance.
The [indistinct] band
is down there.
I ain't goin' to no more
smelly beer joints!
[overlapping chatter]
No, I ain't goin' alone
and I mean it!
I'll dance with both of you!
-Let me have your car keys.
-Take my car at least.
[Lois] I ain't takin' your car.
I can make it by myself.
Aw, to hell with her.
To hell with her.
-Let her go.
-I've done it before
and I'll do it again.
Lois, It's the middle of
the night.
If she's that goddamn stupid.
Just let her go.
To hell with her. Let her go.
Aw, to hell with her.
Let her go. If she's
that goddamn stupid.
Drunk on her ass.
-Lois!
-[car starts]
[indistinct dialog]
Friends of yours?
Looks like it got late
a little early on them.
So...
What's the name of this movie?
[scoffs]
I can't even remember the name
of my own damn movie. It's--
I'll remember it in a minute.
Give me--
Not important, huh?
It's important.
Just give me a minute.
I think I need to go.
Really.
It's for the best.
Ginger's gonna wonder
where I am.
Ginger?
Don't worry about Ginger.
Lionel's in there with her.
Hell, they're probably married
by now.
Lionel?
The one that doesn't talk?
Hey, don't worry about Lionel.
He'll talk a blue streak
if you give him half a chance.
No, really.
I gotta go.
I'm gettin' kinda tired.
It's early yet.
There's a big ol'
full moon out.
What do you wanna go back
in there for?
A bunch of old barflies
cryin' in their beer?
I thought they were
friends of yours.
They are friends of mine.
But you're different, huh?
Not like them?
If that's the way it is,
what'd you come out here
in the first place for?
I thought we were gonna
listen to a little music.
Well yeah,
we're gonna listen to--
I mean-- I--
You damn sure coulda fooled me.
Well, if you got
the wrong idea, I'm sorry.
That's not my fault.
I really didn't expect you
to get all huffy about it.
Go on back in there
with your girlfriend.
My mistake.
I'm sorry.
Go on back in there
with your girlfriend.
Hey...
If you got the wrong
impression, I'm sorry.
Really.
I'm sorry.
Bitch.
What'd you say?
I didn't say nothin'.
I heard you.
Oh, you think you're
so cool, don't you?
Well, bullshit.
Think you're
some kind of cowboy?
Cowboy?
That's so funny...
I forgot to laugh.
And you're gonna be in a movie?
[scoffs]
You? In a movie?
Nobody'd be that dumb.
[♪]
[exhales]
Hey, wait!
[♪]
-Wait, Lisa!
-I'm gonna get out of here.
Stop it!
Listen to me!
I've been warning you
all night long!
Now you just leave
when I wanna stay!
[sighs]
[tires screeching]
[car drives away]
[Willie]
Cowboy, what happened?
Oh... well, it turns out
she's married to some old
rich doctor or somethin'.
Can't start anything up
like that.
You know how it is.
Hell, I do.
What's the matter, Cowboy?
Had to take your hat off, huh?
Hey, Steve, you like my hat?
You wear it.
[grunting]
[dog barking]
Look at the little pussy.
Hey, maybe we oughta go call
that there doctor's wife, huh?
[grunting]
[shouting]
[spitting]
Shit.
[♪]
Cowboy, you all right?
Let me help you.
You need to go home.
Come on,
you look pretty banged up.
Get off of me.
-Get up.
-[grunts]
Aw, shit.
Hey... Cowboy?
[Wayne]
Goddammit Willie, come on!
Ah.
[♪]
[spits]
[water running]
[TV playing in background]
[indistinct dialog on TV]
Janice.
Cowboy,
what're you doin' here?
What in the world
happened to you?
My lord!
Ol' Steve and I
mixed it up a little.
Come in here.
Let me take a look at that.
God, you're a mess.
Ooh. Hmm.
Let me see if I got
some Mercurochrome.
Well, how'd it happen?
Oh, Steve got out of line.
I had to put him
back in his place.
Oh, that's a nasty cut
you got there.
I think he had a ring on.
-Hmm, does it hurt?
-Yes, it hurts.
Well, it looks like it does.
Well-- Oh!
This is somethin', huh?
Cowboy comin' around my door.
[chuckles] Oh...
You must be pretty hard up.
Stay still.
I bet I know what it is.
Been waitin' all this time...
just for the right chance.
Right?
And now here at the last...
finally found it.
Enough of this.
Give it to me, baby.
Cowboy, goddammit!
[muffled cries]
[muffled]
Get off of me!
What's the matter with you?
Oh, I don't know.
You come barging in here
without knockin' or anything,
and I'm just supposed
to fall all over you?
I know what you think of me.
I know how all y'all
talk about me.
You just think
I'm some ol' dirty leg!
I never said you were
a goddamn dirty leg!
Hell, I'm just a drunk
son of a bitch.
-Bullshit.
-I didn't mean nothin'!
Don't you lie!
I know you.
Man, you never wanted
to have anything to do with me!
You think I'm dumb
as an old post?
I know what you think about me.
I know what all of you think!
Except maybe Claude!
So you just get
your goddamn bottle
and you get
the fuck outta here!
[Cowboy]
Whatever you say, lady.
[Janice] Go on!
Whatever you say.
You know-- Hey!
[chatter on TV]
You know...
I always knew what
y'all thought about me...
and sometimes it kinda
made me feel bad...
but I never feel too terrible.
And then you come
traipsin' in here
and you don't knock
or nothin',
and I'm supposed to turn
belly up for you?
I said to myself,
I said...
"Janice...
any man that'll treat you
that way
don't think you're any better
than a durned ol' dog."
That's how you make me feel.
[Cowboy]
Hey, Janice, I'm sorry.
I never meant anything by it.
I'm sorry.
Goddamn women.
Are you all right?
What happened?
What happened?
Come on, William,
we're goin' home!
-Just a second, darlin'!
-No!
Hey, I wanna tell ya
Mary and I, we're gonna go off
down to the Paradise Motel.
Whoo! I got an idea!
Hey! Hey!
I want all y'all to listen up
here for just a second,
'cause I got a great idea!
I want all you sons of bitches
to know...
William,
come down from there!
Hey, seein' how...
this here is the last night
at The Alamo and all...
I wanna-- I got a surprise
for all y'all.
-[man] All right!
-[laughing]
I wanna invite y'all out
to the Paradise Motel
with me and Mary,
and y'all can watch!
[Mary]
We ain't goin'.
[laughter]
Except Wayne.
Where is that motherfucker?
[laughter]
Well, you're invited too,
Wayne!
[laughter]
And you too, Willie!
[dopey laughing]
You can come
and have a good time!
You can have seconds!
[all laughing]
[slurring] Well, what--
Where's Cowboy?!
I don't want him
to miss this party here!
Listen, Skipper, can I have
one more beer, please?
[Skipper]
Nope, no more beer for you.
-Oh no!
-Oh no, man.
I don't-
I don't wanna come down!
I'm havin' a good time up here!
Don't take me down!
I'm havin' a good time.
-Come on, Ichabod.
-What?
-Come on down.
-No.
Step on down.
Come on.
[overlapping chatter]
-Oh, there he goes!
-Oh, shit!
[all laughing]
Y'all boys, put me down.
I can do it.
-You sure now?
-I think I can do it.
Can I do it?
Oh!
William, come on, now you
remember how to do this.
One foot in front of the other.
Aw, you know, Mary,
you love me, don't you?
I do love you, now come on
and get in the truck!
Get in!
[William]
Gonna go Paradise Motel.
Come on, William, you gotta
help me out here.
Ow! Watch my knee, darlin'.
Watch my foot!
Stay in there.
Oh, Mary, I think I'm
gonna throw up, darlin'.
Just keep your head
out the window.
Oh, no.
I think I'm gonna do it.
Don't drive fast, okay?
[truck starts]
[groaning]
[William mumbling]
Hey, you need some quarters?
You ain't pissed off at me,
are you ol' buddy?
Gimme a beer.
-Hey, hey.
-Oh, oh.
Come on, Steve.
Take it easy.
Now, I don't want
no more trouble, Cowboy.
-No trouble.
-Don't tell me no trouble.
Oughta kick your butt
outta here as it is.
It was out in
the damn parking lot!
I don't wanna hear about it!
You get to thinkin'
you're better than
anybody else around here
and you're makin'
a big mistake.
Hey, Cowboy.
I thought you and he
was supposed to be
such big Aggie buddies.
How come he ain't called back?
Hell, he ain't gonna do
jack shit. You watch.
Ten to one it was all
a bunch of bullshit.
I'll even lay money on it.
Hell, that son of a bitch,
oh, what's-his-name,
probably never even heard
of ol' Cowboy's ass.
I know what we oughta do.
Yeah, I know what we oughta do.
Poke, listen up!
Lionel!
Hell, there ain't no way
they're gonna take
this ol' place down!
Give 'em a beer, Skipper!
Now listen up 'cause this
son of a bitch gonna work.
Here's what we do,
all of us,
the more the merrier.
We get our cars
and our trucks
and we block
this son of a bitch,
all the way around,
bigger than Dallas,
and then we get a couple
of boys on the roof
and everybody's
got deer rifles, huh?
You think they're gonna tear
this son of a bitch down then?
It's be like that
goddamn movie
where they come
over the hill there!
What's the name of that?
Where they got all
the townspeople out there?
-Shit.
-Goddamn, Cowboy.
We get up there with
goddamn deer rifles,
they're gonna come here
and haul our butts off!
They ain't gonna
haul our butts off.
We'll call
channel what's-his-name.
They don't have
to be loaded, Wayne.
Huh?
Hell, we might even be on
Walter Cronkite or somethin'.
[chuckling]
[Steve] There ain't
no more Walter Cronkite.
Ain't gonna get my ass
thrown in jail.
Oh, goddamn, me neither.
What the hell for?
This place is gonna be shut down
the next day anyway.
Not a goddamn thing
we can do about it.
Ain't nothin' wrong
with B&B.
Hell, we'll just go on
over there.
Yeah, I wanna go to the B&B.
The B&B? You can't go there.
It's not the same.
You should see all the pussy
they got there.
They got more pussy than
you can shake a stick at.
Poke, you goin' to the B&B?
Yes, he is,
and you can't stop us.
Looks that way.
Go on, get out of here.
See if I care.
Where else you gonna go,
Cowboy?
B&B isn't all that bad.
Oh shit, Lionel.
The B&B,
that's an old Yankee joint
for rich Yankees to ride
the goddamn mechanical bull.
A bunch of Yankees
come down here
and open that place up.
It ain't the same.
It ain't Texas.
That's not the way
it's supposed to be.
I don't know nothin'
about goddamn Yankees.
[scoffs] You know what
I'm talkin' about!
Goddamn 7-Elevens,
McDonald's,
condominiums, suburbs.
First you know all that
good shit's gonna be gone!
Hell, Claude, tell these dumb
son of a bitches
what I'm talkin' about.
Don't look at me, goddammit.
I'm an ignorant
son of a bitch, too.
I about half-ass know what
you're talkin' about is all.
I don't know
what to tell 'em.
Yeah, you know.
Well, I'll say this much.
It ain't good.
That's for damn sure.
I know I don't wanna live
in no goddamn condominium.
Might even be worse than
that son of a bitch house
I been livin' in now.
Or was, until goddamn Marcie
kicked my ass out.
-Here we go again.
-Shit!
I oughta call
that son of a bitch
and give her
a piece of my mind.
Kick a son of a bitch out of
his own goddamn house.
Goddammit.
Tell me I gotta stay
in some goddamn motel!
Shit!
That's worse than
a goddamn condominium.
-Here's a quarter.
Go get it over with.
-Shit!
That ain't worth a shit.
Well, goddamn right!
I'm gonna call that hobags
and I'm gonna tell her ass!
Cowboy.
-Cowboy.
-Yeah, Willie?
How's about if
I get on the roof?
Huh?
Can I get on the roof, too?
Oh yeah, we'll put you
up on the roof, Willie.
I can be on the roof, too?
[giggling]
Yeah, we'll put you on the roof.
[chuckles]
H-How do you get up there?
You got a ladder?
Yeah, we'll--
Don't worry about it, Willie.
We'll get you up there
when the time comes.
Don't worry about it.
What I need you to do right now
is go cover the back door
in case they get
the drop on us, okay?
Honey,
can't we talk about this?
How come I just can't
come home?
I ain't all that bad, am I?
I love you.
Doesn't that count
for somethin'?
I ain't gonna stay in
no goddamn motel, Marcie.
You ain't gonna lock
my ass out,
'cause I got a goddamn key.
What are they gonna do,
arrest me for tresspassin'?
It's my goddamn house too.
[sighs]
I ain't never liked
the son of a bitch, either.
The hell it isn't.
We didn't used to fight
all the time.
Wasn't until we moved in
over there
that all this shit started.
What is it, then?
I ain't no different
than I ever was.
And I ain't never gonna be,
neither.
You mean all of a sudden
I'm supposed to act
like some stockbroker
son of a bitch?
I ain't like that.
I ain't gonna fool with nobody.
[sighs]
And I got to go through
all this shit
'cause of a piece of shit house
I ain't never even liked
in the first place?
Well, you goddamn sure as shit
coulda fooled my ass.
I tell you what, goddammit.
First thing tomorrow mornin'
there's gonna be
a goddamn "for sale" sign
on that son of a bitch.
I had enough of this shit.
Good bye, goddammit.
I'll burn the son of a bitch
down if I have to.
Good bye!
Shit.
-Goddammit. Shit!
-[phone ringing]
You better take my ass,
pimples and all,
or goddammit, fuck it!
I'll find me some women
that'll appreciate my ass,
and it ain't gonna be
all that hard!
How do you like them apples?
What?
Who? Cowboy?
Hey, Cowboy!
It's that son of a bitch.
What's-his-name?
That goddamn representative,
or whatever the hell he is,
friend of yours,
wants to talk to ya.
Goddamn, it's about time.
I told you guys!
I'll take it over here,
Claude!
Hello?
Yeah, how you doin'?
How's everything up in Austin?
Uh-huh?
Yeah, I'm down here
at The Alamo.
This ol' bar we hang out in.
Yep.
Well, the reason I called you,
Richard,
was to see if you could
help us out.
They're gonna
shut her down tomorrow.
They're tearin'
the place down.
And I was wonderin' if you
could do anything up there.
Uh-huh?
Well, the son of a bitch
that owns it has sold it.
They're gonna put
a high-rise up here.
Uh-huh?
Well, no, it's been here 30,
40 years, though.
I see.
Uh, you mean like,
did Sam Houston ever sleep here
or something like that?
No, uh, I don't think anybody
famous ever come through.
No, not that I know of.
Uh-huh?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well...
Okay.
Okay, I appreciate it.
Thanks anyway.
Okay, bye.
Son of a bitch.
That bullshit
just don't get it no more.
'Bout time you learned that.
[♪]
Hey, goddamn, Cowboy!
What the fuck?
You can't take that shit
in there, goddammit!
You'll get your ass
thrown in jail!
Give it to me, goddammit!
Fuck you too.
♪
[truck starts]
[cowbell jingles]
[Skipper]
Get that thing outta here!
You know better than that!
Any son of a bitches
got any balls left,
don't wanna see
this ol' place torn down,
step across this line.
There's the goddamn line.
Skipper!
I'll blow that son of a bitch
off the wall!
Shit, he ain't
gonna do jack shit.
I'll join you, Cowboy!
Willie!
Let him go, Steve!
I'll blow your head off.
Fuck you, Cowboy!
You ain't gonna shoot shit!
[gunshot]
Goddamn you, Cowboy!
Shit, you son of a bitch,
I'm gonna have to
kick your ass again!
[Skipper]
All right, goddammit!
That's it!
We're closed.
Go on.
Get outta here.
Go on, out!
Son of a bitch.
Come on, you heard,
the son of a bitch is closed!
Stay if you want to, Cowboy.
It's your own funeral.
Go on, Willie.
Go on home.
Don't worry about it, Willie.
You don't have to go.
You go get that bottle for us.
Thanks, Willie.
Hell, we ought to have
100 son of a bitches back here
backin' us up.
Here you go, Willie.
It ain't supposed
to be like that.
That ain't the way
it's supposed to be!
Wayne!
Lionel!
Get your asses back in here!
Chicken shit sons of bitches.
Give me the bottle, Willie.
Could I have a shot,
too, Cowboy?
Yeah, here you--
[bottle shatters]
Uh... well, I...
guess I--
I guess I'm gettin'
kinda tired, Cowboy.
Maybe I'd better just be...
goin' home.
[♪]
[♪]
[cowbell clanks]
Cowboy!
Cowboy!
Claude.
What the hell
you doin' here?
I burnt that
son of a bitch down.
You did what?
That goddamn house.
Burnt the son of a bitch down.
[chuckles]
Come on, let's get
the fuck outta here.
Hell, I don't think
I can move, Claude.
Here, let me
give you a hand.
You burned
the son of a bitch down.
-[phone ringing]
-[chuckling]
Marcie's gonna have your ass!
[ringing continues]
[Claude]
Yeah, shit.
Well, I don't know
how good of a job I did.
[ringing continues]
If that ain't Marcie,
might ain't right.
[ringing continues]
Alamo.
What?
Marcie?
Goddamn fire department
got there too quick.
Didn't hardly do diddly-shit.
That figures.
Boy, I better
get my ass home.
I ain't never gonna hear
the end of this.
Come on.
[crickets chirping]
Well, you can always blame me.
Good idea.
Might even work.
That must've been
a piss-poor fire you set.
Hey, Cowboy,
what's the matter?
No balls?
Fuck you, Steve.
[♪]
[truck starts]
[♪]
How you boys
doin' tonight, huh?
Y'all seen Cowboy around
at all?
We gotta go over to
the fucking Paradise Motel
and kick some faggot's ass.
Man, goddamn fuckin' manager
fuckin' kicked me and Mary
out of the Paradise Motel!
Well, no wonder.
Oh, just shut up, Mary,
and let me do the talking.
[Mary] Okay, you just
tell 'em what you did.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna tell the story, Mary.
Okay?
I'm gonna tell the story.
I got kicked out of the hotel
because I was
wearin' my underwear
and I was lookin' for
the goddamn ice machine.
-Oh, William!
-That's all I was doin'!
You were so drunk you don't
even know what you were doin'.
-Darlin', you know that--
-He was knockin' on people's
doors.
I was damn well
not that fuckin' drunk.
Yes, he was. He opened one door
and this man looked at him,
he's got these little moooses
all over his underwear.
Don't go talkin' 'bout my--
How would you like if
I didn't wear no underwear?
I'll walk around butt naked!
Is that what you want?
At least I don't wear none of
that crotchless pussy shit!
-You know?
-Well, so what?
Those little black panties,
you know,
with the little bit of
the kitty cats on 'em?
I'm goin' home.
Can one of y'all take me home?
Oh, now darlin',
I'm gonna take you home!
No, you--
I'm goin' home by myself.
All right, fine!
You go home!
I will never talk to you again!
All right,
you just go home!
Mary, you open
this goddamn truck!
Hey, Mary!
Mary! Hey, you!
[men hollering]
-Run, Ichabod!
-Whoo!
[crickets chirping]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
[wind blowing]
[♪]
[♪]
Told that goddamn
son of a bitch
to have
that fuckin' car ready
by five o-goddamn-clock.
Asshole, man.
Now I gotta drive around
all fuckin' weekend
in this goddamn
rat-tail piece of shit.
You know, it's bad enough that
I gotta drive around all week,
now I have to go and drive it
on the fuckin' weekends.
-Son of a bitch.
-William,
-why do you cuss so much?
-Told that man.
I bet you if you went
a whole day without cussin'
you'd just roll over and die.
Well, goddammit, Mary!
I mean, you know,
if you had to drive around
in this rat-tail piece of shit,
wouldn't it piss you off?
Well, now, I haven't said a
whole cuss word yet, have I?
That ain't the point.
You don't have to drive it,
do you?
Well, I still gotta ride in it.
Ain't too different.
The hell it ain't.
[sighs deeply]
All it's gonna take, man,
is just one son of a bitch.
Just one fuckin'
son of a bitch
to just set me right off.
Like that goddamn fuckin'
son of a bitch right there!
-You fat-ass motherfucker!
-[horn honks]
Yeah, you and your
goddamn fat wife!
I bet you got fat kids, too!
William,
that's not very nice.
Ought to be a fuckin' law
against fuckin' fat people.
They can't help it
if they're fat.
Besides,
the way you drink,
you're gonna have
a damn beer gut
before long,
and then what?
You gonna make a law
against yourself?
Now, Mary, fuckin' beer guts
don't fuckin' count, man.
-Oh, yes they do.
-They just--
They don't fuckin'--
-Yes, they do.
Listen, I know a lot of people
got 'em a beer gut
that ain't fuckin' fat.
Oh, who?
Well, Cowboy, and he's
a skinny-ass motherfucker.
[Mary] No, it is fat.
It's a fat, ugly gut.
If there's gonna be a law
against fat people,
there ought to be a law
against beer guts, too.
Don't give me that shit.
Ain't nobody's
gonna vote for it.
Well, I would.
You drink too much.
Mary, just get off me.
I've had-- I've had
a real hard day at work.
I'm driving around in
a rat piece of shit truck.
I take you nice places
all the time,
and you're just givin' me
a lot of shit
and I don't need it.
[♪]
Would you tell me
what you do for me?
-Just one thing!
-We went bowling!
We had a good time down at
the Bowlin' Ball, didn't we?
-Oh, right, ands then you got--
-Oh, shit!
Then you got the man's ball
in your alley!
I took you out to
the Astro Whirl
-and we had a good time.
-Astro Whirl?
-[cowbell jingling]
-[indistinct arguing]
[Mary] The only ride you'd go on
was the bumper cars,
and all I did was stand around
the whole time
and watch you
bang into people!
Well, that ain't no fun!
I'm talkin'
about someplace nice.
♪ [country]
Hey, Ichabod.
What?
My name ain't Ichabod,
goddammit.
What was that ol' gal,
what's-her-name...
The one ol' Cowboy went out
and talked to her daddy.
I don't know
what that ol' gal was.
I don't give a flyin' fuck
who the fuck she was.
Why don't you just go
fuckin' talk with Cowboy, okay?
[phone rings]
Boy, he's mad as hell
about something.
Alamo.
Oh, Marcie.
No, I ain't seen him.
Hold on.
Look, let's just drop it,
okay, Mary?
Please let's just drop it.
Let's not argue tonight.
Let's have a good time.
This is the last night
at the Alamo.
Ain't gonna be Alamo
after this, okay?
Oh, big deal!
Big deal?
Well, yeah,
it is a big deal.
It ain't gonna be
The Alamo after this.
Don't you understand that?
I mean, I might as well
be talkin' to
this goddamn wall
over here.
Well, you just go and talk
to that wall, then.
All right, I will!
You don't understand,
do you?
I mean, this is the last night
at The Alamo, goddammit,
and I might as well be talkin'
to this fuckin' wall over here.
[stammering] You look prettier
than Mary sometimes.
-I can talk to you, at least.
-Can I have a Coca Cola?
I can't fuckin' talk
to Mary no more.
-She just makes me so mad.
-[Bartender] Ichabod!
-What?
-You seen Claude?
[William]
No, I ain't seen Claude,
and my name ain't Ichabod!
It don't say Ichabod
on my Social Security card,
it don't say Ichabod on my
goddamn driver's license,
and it damn sure
don't fuckin' say it
on my fuckin'
birth certificate!
I mean, why can't I have
a neat nickname
like Cowboy does?
Oh, William,
would you get me a Coke?
Please?
Yeah.
Ain't nobody seen him.
-[woman] Skipper!
-Look, Marcie,
I don't follow him around
all day.
I'm not a private detective,
and this isn't no
telephone answering service.
I gotta go, Marcie.
Goodbye.
[woman]
Hey, Skipper, come on,
give me some ice here.
Shit.
[can clatters]
Hey, there's ol' Claude.
How you been, man?
Not worth a shit.
[man] Somebody else
got the red ass.
[growls]
[man] What the hell's
the matter with you?
Step in an ant bed?
Ah, Marcie kicked
my damn ass out.
-Piss me off!
-Oh, shit.
Skipper, give me a beer.
Said she didn't give a damn
flyin' dog fuck what I did.
I can sleep it off in
the damn truck if I wanted to.
Shit.
Cares more about
that yappy dog of hers
than she does me.
Tell you one thing...
that damn dog never
had to sleep outside,
and I ain't never
shit on the carpet.
[Skipper]
Goddammit, Wayne.
Shit, it ain't
that goddamn funny.
[Claude] About as funny as
a goddamn trick cigar.
How long I been livin' there?
Six, seven, eight months?
[Wayne]
Something like that.
Yeah, I ain't never even
set foot on that damn carpet.
She's got all this rubber shit
laid out all over everywhere,
and I gotta take my boots off
before I can even walk on that.
All she cares about
is that goddamn house.
Goddamnit, pisses me off.
I work my butt off
seven days a goddamn week.
You wanna know what for?
That goddamn house.
She don't give a shit about me.
Hell, no.
It's that goddamn house.
She don't even like
her own kids anymore.
It's all that goddamn house.
Fancy-ass goddamn
piece of shit with...
garbage disposal, and...
smoke alarms
and a bunch of shit,
fuckin' fancy
garage door openers,
or whatever you call 'em,
out there...
way away from all the niggers
out there in...
Sunhaven,
or Haven some kind of shit,
Snothaven
for all I goddamn care,
wherever it is
the hell I live.
Goddammit, I never even liked
the son of a bitch.
I didn't even want it
in the first goddamn place.
But she had to have it.
Goddamn couldn't live
without it.
Shit, now she--
now she don't want me
to park my truck out front
'cause she's afraid
the neighbors
are gonna find
out I work for a living.
Shit, that pisses me off.
Goddamn,
that pisses me off!
[indistinct chatter]
Goddammit, Skipper,
give me another beer.
Shit!
What are you drinking?
Goddammit, I'm buying,
Lone Star, Skipper.
Yeah, serve 'em up.
How 'bout y'all?
You want a beer?
[man] Yeah,
I'll have one.
Hell yeah.
Serve 'em up, Skipper.
How 'bout y'all?
Whatever y'all want!
[woman]
Yeah, sure thing.
Hey, Willy,
you want a beer?
I might have one, Claude.
Hey, give ol' Willy
a damn beer.
Who's that back there?
Ichabod?
Hey, Ichabod,
you want a beer?
My name ain't Ichabod,
Claude,
and yeah,
I want a beer.
[Claude]
How 'bout Mary?
Drinkin' Coke.
Yeah, hell yeah.
Goddamn can't dance.
Shit!
Work my butt off
seven days a week
in the damn sun,
get home and...
shit hits the fan.
I mean shit!
You ain't tellin' me nothin'.
What?
What did I do?
Did I say something
to piss you off?
Goddamn,
can't win for losing.
Goddamn old lady kick
my ass out when I come home,
then here, and shit!
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Skipper,
if I said something
to piss you off I'm sorry, man.
I ain't pissed off at you.
It's that damn Marcie's
what it is.
She's always callin' down here
lookin' for you
and then she wants
to fuss at me.
Told her I don't wanna hear it.
None of my damn business.
Yeah, shit, yeah.
Claude, you seen Cowboy?
Huh?
No, I ain't seen him.
Hey, you wanna hear a good one
on ol' Cowboy,
get ol' Lionel to tell you
about the time
him and ol' Cowboy went down
to Nuevo Laredo.
Don't feel too complimented
'cause she's trying
to pick you up.
I guarantee you,
she can pick up some scum.
Well, now, wait, she was
about to pick me up.
I said don't feel complimented.
[Claude]
Shit, goddammit.
Skipper, give me
some damn quarters.
[indistinct chatter]
[cowbell jingles]
[indistinct chatter]
[Ginger] Lisa,
I don't know about this.
[Lisa] God, Ginger,
look at this place.
My daddy used to go to a place
like this when I was little.
-Yeah, I'm leaving.
-I don't think there's--
Come on, Ginger, don't be
a stick in the mud.
-Come on.
-Sit down, okay?
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Whoo!
Would you look at that?
Hey, come on over!
Join the party!
-Look what the cat drug in.
-We don't bite.
Yeah, hey, looky here.
Done had all my shots.
Don't pay no attention to him.
Ain't none of 'em half as bad
as they think.
That's for sure.
All bark and no bite.
[Skipper]
Come on over.
Beer's nice and cold.
How you doin', sweetums?
Ichabod!
Ow! Shit.
Dammit, Mary.
I'm just funnin'.
That's all I'm doing.
It's your play.
This one's on me,
Skipper.
-Hey, where do you girls work?
-Ectron.
I never even missed
even a damn day at work.
That ain't too shabby, is it?
♪ [Country]
Well, if they grow up
thinking their daddy's a drunk,
it's 'cause their damn mother
tells 'em he is.
Ain't never seen me drunk,
'cept maybe once.
A six pack, Marcie.
A six pack!
Damn little ol' six pack.
You know damn good and well
no six pack ain't gonna
get me drunk.
The day a damn six pack'll
get me drunk
I'll bend over and kiss
your mother's ass.
She ain't never liked my ass,
not even when we was
just goin' together.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
Cowboy ain't got jack shit
to do with this!
I know she don't like me.
Goddamn, I'm not sayin' that.
All I'm sayin' is...
It's 'cause she's...
She knows he's my good friend,
you know?
It ain't got nothing
to do with him!
You know, she don't even
hardly know him.
All the time got to blame
everything on goddamn Cowboy.
Shit!
It ain't Cowboy,
it's that goddamn house!
[Wayne] Lionel!
Come here, goddammit.
I got some people
I want you to meet.
-This here is Lisa.
-[Lisa] How do you do?
And that over there is Ginger.
I was thinkin' maybe you'd
tell us the one about the time
that you and ol' Cowboy
went down to Nuevo Laredo.
What about it?
What do you mean
"what about it"?
Tell 'em the goddamn story.
About the time we went
down there to Nuevo Laredo?
Yeah, that's the one,
and this little ol' Mexican gal
falls in love with ol' Cowboy.
Well, that about tells it.
Wasn't much more to it
than that.
[giggling] Come on.
You can tell us.
Can't be that bad.
Yeah, come on, Lionel.
Tell the goddamn story.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
Can I come home?
I ain't goddammit drunk,
Marcie! Shit!
Well, where was I
supposed to go?
If you hadn't-a kicked me out...
You know, I--
I wasn't gonna go nowhere.
If you hadn't-a kicked me out
I'd be home right now
watchin' TV.
Hell, I don't know.
I guess I just ain't
any good for you anymore.
Maybe you ought to divorce me
and marry
some damn stock broker.
Shit!
[falsetto voice]
Hon, would you...
put on a shirt
before you come to the table?
It don't look right.
Would you mind?
[normal voice]
You're goddamn right I mind!
I can't even fart in front of
my own damn kids anymore!
Shit!
Well, at least they'll grow up
half-ways knowin'
what their damn ass hole is for!
Marcie? Shit!
Y'all were drunk.
Y'all decided you were gonna
take a little drive
down to Nuevo Laredo.
Yeah...
Think it was
something like that.
Pretty close.
Well, then what?
Well, I don't hardly remember
drivin' down there.
Marcie? Shit!
...it is 50 cent beer night.
We could go back then
come back later, or something.
See, I don't know.
I mean,
Can't we just go off someplace
by ourselves?
We can go off someplace
by ourselves.
It's just that I wanna come
back here before last call.
I don't wanna miss that.
Do you just not wanna
be with me or what?
Goddammit, Mary!
Would you just please
shut the fuck up for me?
-I'm tryin' to be nice to you--
-Hey, old buddy,
-have you seen Cowboy?
-And I don't understand-- What?
No, I ain't seen Cowboy
tonight, Claude,
and I don't give
a goddamn flying fuck
-about seein' Cowboy!
-I'm sorry.
-And my name ain't Ichabod!
-I thought y'all was
through talkin'
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Can't a man have some kinda
private conversation
around here
without being interrupted?
I'm gonna
kick some ass tonight.
What's the matter with you?
That's a perfectly good ol' hat.
Goddamn Ichabod's
wound up tighter than
a two dollar wristwatch.
Shit!
Well, now,
that wasn't very nice.
You didn't have to
take it out on him.
Me? You talkin' to me?
Well, just 'cause
you're mad at me
ain't no reason!
Let me have a beer,
Skipper.
Claude, how do you get this
son of a bitch to talk?
[Claude] Who? Lionel?
First off, I wouldn't
call him "son of a bitch."
[Claude speaks indistinctly]
Now, if you took
a pair of vice grips
and cinched them up
on his ear there
and give 'em a good ol' twist,
you might get a little ol'
squeal out of him or something.
That count?
Howdy, my name's Claude.
-I don't believe we've met.
-I'm Lisa.
-Pleased to meet you.
-Hi, I'm Ginger.
My pleasure.
Aw, nobody ever got
a word outta ol' Lionel
he didn't wanna give 'em.
Kinda like pulling hen's teeth.
Ain't that right?
Any way you could get him
to tell us
about the time
him and ol' Cowboy
went down to Nuevo Laredo?
Claude!
I know that.
I know all about that.
[Ray]
Claude, goddammit!
[woman]
Gee, thanks a lot!
You're supposed to be here
with me.
-[indistinct dialog]
-Claude!
Claude, goddammit!
What was the name
of that ol' gal?
What's-her-name?
The one Cowboy
supposedly knocked up?
Cowboy stories.
You mean the one where ol'--
Her daddy took ol' Cowboy
out back there?
-[Ray] Yeah!
-Big ol' cahunga badongas?
-[Ray] Yeah!
-Kathleen Geautreaux.
[Ray]
Yeah, that's it!
Her daddy was a mean
coon-ass son of a bitch!
Yeah!
What it was was...
her old daddy
took Cowboy out back there
and asked him what
him and her plans was.
Cowboy, he figured,
"Well, fuck, I'm gonna
get my ass whipped."
Tells him, "Well,
all the plans we have is to go
to the drive-in Friday night."
That's all there was to it.
That's all it was?
Shit.
What it was,
just this little Mexican whore
took a liking to Cowboy
and wanted to come
back over here with him,
her and her kid.
So she laid down
in front of his car
and wouldn't let him go.
And so here come
the Federales,
and Cowboy and Lionel
had to take off.
They damn near got thrown
in the damn callaboose.
Ain't neither one of them been
down there ever since,
I don't think.
You been down there, Lionel?
-Nope.
-[Mary] Well, I guess
this means
we're gonna stay here, huh?
Uh, Skipper, gimme a beer!
-Excuse me.
-What?
Listen, Mary, I ain't
gonna get goddamn drunk.
[belches]
Do I know you or something?
Just forget I asked.
[indistinct chatter]
[chatter continues]
[Claude]
I make a damn livin'.
I make a damn good livin'.
I work hard.
[indistinct chatter]
Are you drunk?
Do I look drunk?
[Mary] I know your eye
ain't twitchin' yet.
Well, am I acting drunk?
[Mary] You durn near
knocked that girl off her stool.
Well, darlin', if you
hadn't been yapping' at me
I woulda watched
where I was goin'.
Well, it's just that I
don't want things to happen
like they did the last time.
Oh, goddammit, Mary,
I swear, the one time
I get drunk,
you ain't never gonna
let me hear the end of it.
One time?
What about the last time
that we came here?
You were drunk
when you picked me up,
and then you go and pass out
out at the horseshoe pits.
Wayne had to take me home.
And then he tried
to put the make on me.
He did what?
Where is that goddamn
son of a bitch Wayne?
Oh, William, quit.
He didn't mean anything.
Well, I though you said that he
tried to put the make on you.
Well... sort of.
Well sorta?
Did he or didn't he?
He didn't even touch me.
He didn't even
say two words to me.
He sure better not have.
Just that I knew he'd like
to be with me is all.
What in the hell is that
supposed to mean?
[man]
Goddammit, let me go.
I ain't gonna until
you promise me
you're not gonna
try that shit anymore!
[man] Come on, boys,
break it up.
Hey, what do you two boys
think you're doin'?
Boy howdy.
Charlie says I can't
make a combination shot.
It's okay to make
a combination shot.
Off my goddamn ball?
What wrong with you, man?
Don't you know
how to play pool?
[overlapping argument]
-Hey, down in front!
-Get him!
Okay, I'll turn you loose,
but you better not try that
shit anymore, all right?
All right, all right.
Let me go.
I mean it.
[indistinct dialog]
[man] Come on,
put the stop on it, Bo!
[overlapping argument]
It's about time something
got started around here.
Hell, yeah! Why not?
Dammit, I don't want
no trouble around here.
I don't need to listen to
that kind of shit from him!
Ain't nobody gonna
talk to me like that!
Don't tell me!
You don't think
things don't work that way
around here, Ichabod.
Same thing goes for you.
You come in here
and think you're gonna
start some kind of a ruckus,
you can leave right now!
Okay, let's get outta here.
[pool cues clatter]
[indistinct argument]
Calm down. Calm down.
Thought somethin'
was gonna happen.
Have you lost your mind?
I ain't gonna let two sons
of bitches talk to me that way!
[indistinct chatter]
♪ [Country]
[door squeaks]
You want a beer, Cowboy?
Yeah, Poke.
Damn, Skipper,
who were those guys?
I don't know.
I never saw 'em before.
What'd you do to run
those boys off so fast?
Hey, it's Cowboy!
Ichabod, put that thing down,
it might be loaded.
Cowboy!
[chuckling]
How you doin', buddy?
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Lionel, what do you have to say
for yourself?
Steve, how you doin'?
Ah, so-so.
Well, I ain't seen you
in quite a while.
That ain't my fault,
pussy-whipped son of a bitch.
Goddammit,
I can't deny it.
Old Marcie whooped my ass
and kicked me down
out the front door.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, goddamn her ass.
What's--
Who's that over there?
I haven't seen her
in there before.
Ah, who knows?
Wandered in off the street.
Got a friend
back in the powder room.
Goddamn women.
What've you been doin'?
Oh, not too much.
Quit my damn job.
Goddamn, Cowboy,
you better watch that shit.
You about to get to where ain't
nobody gonna hire your old ass.
You about half way
there already.
Hell, I ain't gonna
worry about it.
What I oughta do is go out
and be in the damn movies
is what I oughta do.
Nah, some son of a bitch'll
hire my ass.
Ain't nobody ever said
I didn't do good work.
They might not like
the way I do it,
but that's they damn problem.
-Right, Lionel?
-Yeah, I reckon.
You gonna be around here
with us for the last night?
-[Lionel] Might as well.
-That's good, then.
So anyway, this is what
that son of a bitch did.
I'm up there on the rig,
and I gotta jerk
all this goddamn concrete
out of the forms.
Well, they got a crew
down there
supposed to
keep the forms greased,
otherwise every time
you jerk the shit out
it's gonna break the form.
So I jerk
the son of a bitch out
and the goddamn form breaks.
And here comes
this goddamn foreman.
There's nothing
I can do about it.
It's not my job.
So he's been fuckin' with me
all day long,
so I climb down off the rig,
and I go up to him, I say,
"If you wanna have a go at it,
you can go ahead,
but before you get up there,
get your ass
over in that office
and tell that fat-ass secretary
you been fuckin'
to draw my check,
'cause I'm gone."
[chuckling]
Well, that son of a bitch
is used to a bunch of
kiss-ass motherfuckers.
I guarantee he was
none too pleased about that.
Well, here I go, boys.
Wanna wish me luck?
The very best.
I'll even say a little prayer
for ya.
-Cowboy.
-Hey, Willie.
How you doin'?
You need a beer?
[stammering]
I'm fine, Cowboy.
Okay, Willie, I'll talk to you
in a little bit, okay?
Okay.
Skipper, give me
another Lone Star.
Comin' right up, Cowboy.
-Well, how are you?
-Fine, thank you.
You must be Cowboy.
I'm Lisa.
-Been hearin' all about you.
-Oh, you have?
Well, don't believe
everything you hear.
A lot of these boys would rather
go without food and water
than to tell you the truth.
No, it's been all good.
All good?
Lionel, what've you been tellin'
this nice little lady here?
I didn't tell her nothin'.
What do you think of
the old Alamo here?
It's great.
Too bad they're gonna
tear it down.
Oh, we're gonna sees
what we can do about that.
Shit, Cowboy,
what can you do?
You just hang in there,
old buddy.
I might just show you
a little something.
[mouthing]
Excuse me.
Now, take care of Steve.
Watch out for him.
He just acts dumb.
[video game sounds]
Knock 'em dead, Poke.
Hey, Mary.
How's it going?
[indistinct dialog]
Can't win 'em all,
I guess.
Hey, killer.
Cowboy.
Cowboy, you shoulda seen it.
I nearly beat them two
sons of bitches up in here.
Yeah, well they did
look scared.
I'm sorry I missed that.
[chuckling]
Oh, yeah, uh, listen.
I gotta ask you
for a little favor.
Come here for a second.
I gotta talk to you.
Uh... listen, Cowboy.
Listen, I'm thinkin'
that I wanna take Mary
over to the Paradise Motel,
'cause, you know, my place
has got too many roaches,
and she's staying
with her folks and all.
You think that you might
be able to lend me $50?
-Yes, no problem.
-'Cause I'll pay you back.
You know, when I see you.
As long as it's
for a good cause.
I guess ol' John Henry's
a good enough cause as any.
-What'd you say, 50?
-Yeah.
No, wait, look, just put it
back in your pocket,
because I don't want Mary to--
I mean, if she sees it,
it blows the whole deal.
You know what I mean?
Just don't tell nobody about
the Paradise Motel, okay?
No problem, Ichabod.
I'll be around.
[laughs] Okay.
Thanks, Cowboy.
Claude! Claude!
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
[♪]
[crickets chirping]
Yeah, but I wouldn't
let it worry me.
[sighs]
I don't know.
She ain't never kicked
my ass out before.
Goddamn, Claude.
Doesn't make any difference.
It's just like when y'all
were goin' together.
She'd quit your ass
every other week.
-Huh?
-Yeah.
Then y'all'd be
back together again,
rubbin' up next to each other,
slobberin' all over each other.
Make me sick to my stomach.
Yeah, but it ain't the same.
Seems like all she cares about
is this stuff.
Shit.
Sits around thinkin' about it
all day.
Her and her neighbor friends.
Goddamn microwave ovens,
color TVs...
goddamn...
private goddamn telephones
for the goddamn kids.
You believe that shit?
Private damn phones
for the kids.
They even got their own
whatcha-call-it thing
in the phone book.
We'll be in a bit, Poke.
Shit, the little farts
get all that shit given to 'em.
I remember when you were
a lucky son of a bitch
to get the old man's car
on Friday night.
Remember that?
Damn, she wants my ass home
as soon as I get off work.
Shit!
[sighs]
Used to be she'd maybe
get pissed off
if I didn't come home
'til real late,
or didn't call,
you know?
That was more like...
she'd get pissed off 'cause...
she hadn't got to go,
you know?
Like I was havin' all the fun
and she was stuck home with
the kids.
Isn't that way no more.
That's for damn sure.
Hell, I don't know.
Goddamn computer programmer
son of a bitch
live down the street from me...
Hell, I make more money
than he does,
but that ain't good enough!
No way!
She wants my ass out of
that oil patch is what it is.
Shit!
If I'd a gone to college
it might have been different.
You know?
Hell, we got married
right out of high school.
Hell, buddy,
I hate to see you...
suckin' the hind tit
like this.
Shouldn't oughta be.
What if she was married to
an old... asshole like me.
Then she'd really have
something to complain about.
Wouldn't she?
Yeah, fuck.
I don't know what she wants.
She don't know what she wants.
Shit.
Hell, I ain't gonna change.
[crickets chirping]
[bottle cap clatters]
[Cowboy]
Hey, hey.
Did you ever get
any of that stuff?
Once.
It was right before me
and Marcie got married.
She more or less always had
a couple or three ol' boys
come around
every now and again.
As far as I know bein' married
ain't changed that none.
I don't know what ol' Jake
thinks about that.
You ever get any of that?
Even back in high school?
I don't need no dirty leg.
I don't know about that.
Not exactly what I'd call
a dirty leg.
Janice don't fuck just anybody.
It ain't like that.
It's more or less
always the same ones.
I don't see much of
a difference. Do you?
I tell you what.
She did me
a whole world of good.
She damn near about
fucked my ears off.
That's all I have to say
about that.
That's right.
[bottle cap clinks]
Okay, who's the asshole?
[Claude] It's me, Claude,
and Cowboy!
Claude?
-Claude Jeter?
-[Claude] Yeah!
Well, I'll be darned.
Who'd you say is with you?
[Claude] Cowboy!
You remember Cowboy!
Cowboy, hmm.
Yeah, I remember Cowboy.
How you doin', Cowboy?
Are you gonna talk to me?
[Cowboy]
How you doin', Janice?
Well, la-di-da!
Well, I'm just doin' fine,
thank you.
What're y'all doin'
sittin' out there?
[Claude] Well, we about got
the world situation figured out.
Now all I gotta do
is figure a way
to get Marcie off of my ass.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
It's always those darn women.
They didn't have
all the pussy,
there'd be a bounty
on their heads.
Isn't that right, Cowboy?
[Cowboy]
You said it, I didn't.
Yeah, but you were
thinkin' it.
-[phone ringing]
-Oh, gotta get my phone.
You come see me some time,
Claude, you hear?
[phone ringing]
Bye, assholes.
Oh, hey Cowboy.
You busy?
Uh, no, Ichabod.
What'd you say? 50?
Yeah, listen, I'm sorry
I have to ask you for this,
but you remember that bug juice
I mixed up wrong,
fucked up that guy's house,
lit it on fire and everything?
-Yeah.
-Well,
they're fucking me up at
work because of that.
-They docking you for that?
-Mm-hmm.
But, you know, I just wanna--
You know, tell you what.
Listen, I heard
you quit your job.
-Can you afford this?
-No, I'm flush.
-It's all right.
-Okay.
You sure you don't wanna go to
the Hyatt or some nice place?
Oh, no, no, no,
'cause at the Paradise,
they got X-rated TV, you know?
[chuckling]
-You have a good time, buddy.
-All right.
I'll be back in there
in a minute.
Thanks, Cowboy.
You oughta come go be
in the movies with me.
Now's as good a time as any.
I'm outta work,
Marcie kicked your ass out.
-She did.
-That's what we oughta do.
Hell, all them old guys
had a partner.
Goddamn, Cowboy.
I can't go be in
no damn movies with you.
Shit.
It ain't all as goddamn easy
as you make it sound.
I don't care
what anybody told you.
Otherwise, everybody'd be
in the damn movies.
You don't think I could be
like a goddamn John Wayne?
Huh?
They don't have those guys
out there anymore.
They got Clint Eastwood,
but Robert Redford
or John Travolta?
Shit.
They're not makin' movies
like that.
It wouldn't be two weeks
and we'd be in the movies.
They need guys like us.
Goddammit, Cowboy,
I'm serious.
Me and Marcie
been goin' together
ever since the ninth grade.
Got two little ol' boys
I gotta take care of.
Shit.
Hey, Cowboy!
Ol' Hector's here.
Think the son of a bitch
wants to chug-a-lug.
I told him no way, bubbaroo!
Uh-huh.
Uh, Poke,
tell him I'm busy
and I'll be in there
to talk to him in a minute.
Okay.
I can't be doin' this shit.
What am I talking about?
If it wasn't for ol' Marcie,
I wouldn't be worth
a goddamn dog shit.
It's the damn truth.
If she wasn't on my ass
all the time...
I'd be a screwed-up
son of a bitch.
Just like my durn ol' daddy.
That's a piss poor way to live.
Drink, goddamn gamble,
chase women.
Never have a pot to piss in or
a window to throw it out of.
Goddamn, Claude,
ol' Marcie's about got your ass
right where she wants it.
I mean...
Hey, Cowboy!
♪ [Country]
-Come here.
-How you doin', my friend?
Good to see you.
[speaking Spanish]
Ah, good.
How's the restaurant business?
Oh, it's a little slow
and a little...
-Yeah?
-You know how it is.
Yeah, I need to get
back into enchiladas.
Drop by any time.
We'll fix you up good.
Okay, good, good, good.
They really gonna
tear this old place down?
That's what somebody told me.
Is this gonna be
the last night at The Alamo?
Well, it's lookin' that way.
What's the matter, Cowboy?
Afraid you ain't gonna
get a chance to be a hero?
Come on.
How 'bout it, Cowboy?
Give me one more chance.
Just one more chance.
I'll pay for the beer,
win or lose.
It don't make no difference.
One time.
One time, Hector,
and that's it.
That's it, you beat me...
Ah, there you are.
I was worrying' about you.
-You okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-You sure?
-Uh-huh.
Where's Claude?
-He's over on the phone.
-Oh.
You know, that Cowboy guy
is kinda cute.
[chuckling]
Hey, you know what you get
when you cross a-- a burro
with a-- an onion?
No, I won't, Marcie!
I told you I'm not gonna
do that shit anymore!
If that's the way it's
gotta be, I can live with it.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
I know. I know
I've said it before
but this is different.
'Cause I say so.
Well, what do you want
me to do, Marcie?
I ain't that damn dog.
I ain't gonna sit up and beg
if that's what you want.
-[laughing]
-Okay, let's get it over with.
Let's go!
Poke!
Go out to my truck and
get that bottle of tequila!
[Poke] All right!
What are you lookin' at,
old buddy?
Steve, why don't you go throw
a cat off a bridge or something.
Funny man.
Lisa, would you let ol' Hector
get in here?
We got a little business
to take care of.
Don't go far.
[man]
Chug-a-lug!
Chug-a-lug?
Yee-hoo!
Cowboy, all right!
Ha ha!
Oh!
What's wrong, Mary?
-Come on--
-You're takin' me home.
Oh, come on, darlin'.
Let's just stay.
We're gonna watch
Hector and Cowboy.
They're gonna do
chug-a-lug. Okay?
-William!
-It'll be over in a minute.
Please? I got $10
ridin' on Cowboy,
says he's gonna win.
Please?
A couple of days?
Goddammit, I ain't got
no clothes, Marcie!
That ain't worth a shit!
-[William hooting]
-[Mary screams]
Goddammit!
Goddammit!
If I get drunk I'm gonna puke
on your mama's porch!
Goddammit!
Skipper, set 'em up.
[man]
Twenty dollars on Hector!
I got a piece of that action!
-Hector--
-Five on Cowboy.
How many Aggies does it take
to eat an armadillo?
-How many?
-Two.
One to eat 'em, and one
to watch for the car.
[laughing]
Poke, where's that bottle?
Here you go, Cowboy.
Whoop some ass.
-Tequila.
-Tequila!
Ooh!
Pour 'em tall, Cowboy.
[overlapping dialog]
Hector...
how do you get a--
No more. No more jokes.
Let's drink up.
-Call it, Skipper.
-[Skipper] Okay, you all set?
On your marks,
get set, go!
[all shouting]
[shouting continues]
[cheering]
Way to go, Cowboy!
[overlapping shouts]
Cowboy, you got it!
Nice try, Hector.
Nice try.
[♪]
Well, don't I get a victory
kiss or something like that?
Isn't that the way
it usually goes?
Hey, Cowboy! Cowboy!
How 'bout givin' me a chance.
Poke, it looks like
it'd only take one beer
to float your ass out of here.
What's the matter, Cowboy?
-Afraid Poke'll whip your ass?
-I ain't drunk.
-Poke'll do it! You watch!
-Look here, I ain't drunk.
Hell, Cowboy, he's not drunk.
Give the kid a chance.
He ain't drunk!
Okay, Poke, one time.
All right!
[woman]
Cowboy's gonna be drunk.
[woman 2] I know my Poke.
[giggles]
[Skipper] Okay, Poke.
You ready?
-I'm ready!
-[Skipper] Ready, Cowboy?
On your marks,
get set, go!
[all shouting]
[woman] Look at him drink!
Go, go, go, go!
[man] Come on, hustle!
[cheering]
[shouting continues]
Whoo!
Yeah, Poke,
you whipped him!
I did it!
I beat the Cowboy!
-[woman] Yay!
-Cowboy my ass.
Poor Cowboy.
Shit, poor Cowboy.
He ain't nothin'.
Good job, Poke.
It's about time
I got my ass beat.
[slurring]
Oh, it was that close.
Excuse me a minute.
I'll be back.
Don't go away.
[Cowboy]
Fuck you, Steve.
Hey, Claude!
Claude, you see your old buddy
get his ass whipped?
Gonna save The Alamo.
Gonna be a hero.
Shit.
You ever get the feeling
that Cowboy's
just plain full of shit?
Ichabod! Ichabod!
What?
What ya need, Cowboy?
-Go get me some quarters.
-All right.
-Hurry back. Real quick.
-Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
♪ [Country]
Uh, yeah,
I need to call Austin,
for, uh, Richard Waters.
Representative Richard Waters.
Uh-huh.
Is that the number
there at the Capitol?
Uh-huh. Okay.
Thank you!
Ichabod!
Yeah, I'm comin',
I'm comin'.
There you go.
-Thank you, buddy.
-Yep.
You know, I bet if Cowboy
told you to jump
in the shit channel,
you would.
Uh, yeah.
I need to call... 512...
526-8730.
Okay.
[coins clattering]
Mm-hmm.
-Uh, yes.
-[coins clatter]
Is Richard there?
Cowboy Regan.
Regan.
Uh-huh.
Well, do you expect him back?
Well, can somebody go get him?
[stammering]
Well, this is important.
I wouldn't be callin'
if it wasn't important.
Regan. Cowboy Regan.
R-E-G-A-N.
Well...
Well, tell him I ca--
Will you take this message?
Tell him that Cowboy called
from Houston.
Cowboy called from Houston,
and have him call me
as soon as he gets in.
I need a favor.
713-926-0441.
4-1.
Cowboy Regan.
Tell him it's very important.
And I'll be--
[♪]
No, you're not gonna leave me
on my butt...
darlin', no more.
[smooching]
-[giggling]
-Why? Come on.
[drunken stammering]
Mary, goddammit.
It wouldn't be
no goddamn fuckin' surprise
if I told you what it was,
would it?
Now, when you talk to me
you keep that eye open.
I don't wanna see it twitchin'
no more.
I'm tryin' not to.
It's just--
it's goin' here...
Stop for five seconds...
Well, hey, buddy!
Who died?
Skipper, give me a Lone Star,
will you?
-You need a beer?
-I'm fine.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
I'll tell you one damn thing.
I might have to kick some ass
before this night's over.
Steve.
Been on my ass all night long.
Yeah.
Been giving me shit
since high school.
Remember that,
when I backed him down?
-Yeah.
-Chicken shit.
Chicken shit.
So what's your problem?
[sighs]
Marcie wants me to
check into a motel
-for a couple days.
-A motel?
Says she needs time to discover
what her real needs are.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I don't know.
Shit. [sighs]
I saw y'all.
You been makin' goo-goo eyes
at each other all night.
I have not.
Ginger...
I'm just liable to discover
some damn needs myself.
Matter of fact,
that don't sound half bad.
Shit.
Yeah, I'll just call those
sons of bitches up at work,
tell 'em I need a couple,
three weeks off,
tell 'em I got some needs
I got to discover.
[Cowboy]
That'd go over real big.
Yeah, wouldn't it?
Shit.
Hell, ain't a damn day goes by
I don't see a whole
hell of a lot of needs...
could use
some damn discoverin'.
I know what you mean.
I'm fixin' to do some
discoverin' right over there.
Her girlfriend
ain't bad lookin' either.
You interested?
-I don't know.
-Huh?
If I go walkin' out of here
with some woman,
it won't be five minutes before
Marcie knows all about it.
Shit.
[sighs]
Then the shit'll really
hit the goddamn fan.
I better not.
Not here.
Well, if you change your mind,
you'll know where to find me.
Mm-hmm.
[laughing]
-Whoa.
-Whoo! Sorry.
Get this girl another beer.
Skipper, get her another beer.
Wayne, there's a long distance
phone call for you, buddy.
A woman on the line.
Excuse me.
Uh-uh-uh, not fair.
Fair?
Who said anything about fair?
Me. I did.
Darling, with you,
everything is fair.
Uh-oh.
I'm not so sure about you.
Lisa, I told you so.
Ginger,
would you just drop it?
What's there to know?
I'm handsome, charming,
everything you could ever want.
Ooh, Mary, lookie.
Lookie, lookie over there.
Cowboy, he's makin' a move
on that ol' girl.
Oh, shoot, her?
What does she want with Cowboy?
What do you think she wants
with ol' Cowboy?
Well now, Cowboy don't
stand a chance with her!
He's just some dumb redneck
to her.
Cowboy ain't no dumb redneck,
darlin'.
[Mary] Oh, he is to her.
Well, how'd you know?
[Mary] Well, I just do!
I can tell by lookin'.
[chuckles]
Can't tell nothin'
by lookin', darlin'.
Now, what do you think's
gonna happen
when he takes
his hat off, huh?
A horse?
No, I don't have a horse.
What would I want with a horse?
Do you have a horse?
Lookit, lookit, lookit
that whatcha-call-it thing
she's got on there.
Bet it cost
near 100 durn dollars.
-A hundred dollars?
-Yeah, I bet.
Maybe even more.
Wouldn't surprise me.
A hundred dollars
for a little pair of pants
and top thing like that?
Oh, come on, Mary,
you could go
over to "Monkey Ward's"
and you could buy a whole slew
of clothes for 100 dollars.
Yeah, but she wouldn't be
caught dead in "Monkey Ward's."
Oh, you're pullin' my leg.
Uh-uh.
Cowboy. Cowboy.
Hey, Cowboy.
What, Steve?
[Steve]
What's all this bullshit
about savin' the place?
It isn't gettin' any earlier.
I got a call in to the
State Legislature right now.
[Steve]
Yeah? Who do you know?
Richard Waters.
I roomed with him
that semester I went to A&M.
[Steve]
What's he got to say?
Well, he's on the house floor
right now,
but he's gonna call me
as soon as he gets free.
[Steve]
Sure, he is.
You let me worry
about that, Steve.
[indistinct chatter]
Why not, darlin'?
You can't just go over there
and ask people
how much their stuff is.
-But how else--
-Ain't none of your business.
Well, how else
am I gonna find out?
I mean,
she ain't gonna care.
-Oh, huh.
-Oh, come on, darlin'.
I'm just gonna go right on
over there and find out.
All she can do is say no.
-No, William!
-[William laughs]
Oh, I swear...
How 'bout Jimmy Nelson?
You like him?
Yeah, he's great.
Have you heard that
new, uh, album, Tumbleweeds ?
-No, it just come out?
-It's real good.
Yeah, I got a tape of it
in the truck.
You wanna go listen to it?
-Sounds good.
-Let's go.
Just a minute.
Hey, I'm gonna go sit outside
for a minute, okay?
Uh-uh.
Wait a second.
I'm not gonna
stay here by myself.
Come on, Ginger,
just for a minute.
I'm not gonna do anything.
-You don't even know him.
-Come on.
[sighs]
Sure.
-What about Randy?
-What about Randy?
Lionel, keep her entertained.
Will you?
Oh, hey, Cowboy,
where you goin'?
Uh, outside for a minute,
Ichabod.
Uh, can I ask her a question?
What?
[William]
Can you tell me, darlin',
how much that thing cost?
I mean, how much
that outfit cost?
That cost over 100 dollars?
You get it at "Monkey Wards"?
Ichabod,
go back and play pool.
-Okay, I'm sorry I asked.
-[cowbell dings]
[♪]
[crickets chirping]
Now, it's...
It's more or less
one of those deals,
all we gotta do is
show up out there
and we got the job.
But Claude doesn't know anything
about this type of thing.
He'd rather stay here and bitch
with his old lady than
go out there and
be in the movies.
Uh-huh.
But I gotta have a partner.
You gotta have a sidekick.
That's part of the deal.
What's this movie about?
It's a western.
Cowboy movie.
What's the name of this movie?
-Huh?
-What's the name of this movie?
Uh, it's...
I can't even remember
the name of it.
[laughs]
No, give me a minute, uh...
It's, uh...
Come on, you're gonna
have fun, Lois!
[overlapping chatter]
You're nothing but
a bunch of idiots.
Oh, come on, Lois.
No, I ain't goin'.
Hell, we're goin' to Shorty's
and dance.
The [indistinct] band
is down there.
I ain't goin' to no more
smelly beer joints!
[overlapping chatter]
No, I ain't goin' alone
and I mean it!
I'll dance with both of you!
-Let me have your car keys.
-Take my car at least.
[Lois] I ain't takin' your car.
I can make it by myself.
Aw, to hell with her.
To hell with her.
-Let her go.
-I've done it before
and I'll do it again.
Lois, It's the middle of
the night.
If she's that goddamn stupid.
Just let her go.
To hell with her. Let her go.
Aw, to hell with her.
Let her go. If she's
that goddamn stupid.
Drunk on her ass.
-Lois!
-[car starts]
[indistinct dialog]
Friends of yours?
Looks like it got late
a little early on them.
So...
What's the name of this movie?
[scoffs]
I can't even remember the name
of my own damn movie. It's--
I'll remember it in a minute.
Give me--
Not important, huh?
It's important.
Just give me a minute.
I think I need to go.
Really.
It's for the best.
Ginger's gonna wonder
where I am.
Ginger?
Don't worry about Ginger.
Lionel's in there with her.
Hell, they're probably married
by now.
Lionel?
The one that doesn't talk?
Hey, don't worry about Lionel.
He'll talk a blue streak
if you give him half a chance.
No, really.
I gotta go.
I'm gettin' kinda tired.
It's early yet.
There's a big ol'
full moon out.
What do you wanna go back
in there for?
A bunch of old barflies
cryin' in their beer?
I thought they were
friends of yours.
They are friends of mine.
But you're different, huh?
Not like them?
If that's the way it is,
what'd you come out here
in the first place for?
I thought we were gonna
listen to a little music.
Well yeah,
we're gonna listen to--
I mean-- I--
You damn sure coulda fooled me.
Well, if you got
the wrong idea, I'm sorry.
That's not my fault.
I really didn't expect you
to get all huffy about it.
Go on back in there
with your girlfriend.
My mistake.
I'm sorry.
Go on back in there
with your girlfriend.
Hey...
If you got the wrong
impression, I'm sorry.
Really.
I'm sorry.
Bitch.
What'd you say?
I didn't say nothin'.
I heard you.
Oh, you think you're
so cool, don't you?
Well, bullshit.
Think you're
some kind of cowboy?
Cowboy?
That's so funny...
I forgot to laugh.
And you're gonna be in a movie?
[scoffs]
You? In a movie?
Nobody'd be that dumb.
[♪]
[exhales]
Hey, wait!
[♪]
-Wait, Lisa!
-I'm gonna get out of here.
Stop it!
Listen to me!
I've been warning you
all night long!
Now you just leave
when I wanna stay!
[sighs]
[tires screeching]
[car drives away]
[Willie]
Cowboy, what happened?
Oh... well, it turns out
she's married to some old
rich doctor or somethin'.
Can't start anything up
like that.
You know how it is.
Hell, I do.
What's the matter, Cowboy?
Had to take your hat off, huh?
Hey, Steve, you like my hat?
You wear it.
[grunting]
[dog barking]
Look at the little pussy.
Hey, maybe we oughta go call
that there doctor's wife, huh?
[grunting]
[shouting]
[spitting]
Shit.
[♪]
Cowboy, you all right?
Let me help you.
You need to go home.
Come on,
you look pretty banged up.
Get off of me.
-Get up.
-[grunts]
Aw, shit.
Hey... Cowboy?
[Wayne]
Goddammit Willie, come on!
Ah.
[♪]
[spits]
[water running]
[TV playing in background]
[indistinct dialog on TV]
Janice.
Cowboy,
what're you doin' here?
What in the world
happened to you?
My lord!
Ol' Steve and I
mixed it up a little.
Come in here.
Let me take a look at that.
God, you're a mess.
Ooh. Hmm.
Let me see if I got
some Mercurochrome.
Well, how'd it happen?
Oh, Steve got out of line.
I had to put him
back in his place.
Oh, that's a nasty cut
you got there.
I think he had a ring on.
-Hmm, does it hurt?
-Yes, it hurts.
Well, it looks like it does.
Well-- Oh!
This is somethin', huh?
Cowboy comin' around my door.
[chuckles] Oh...
You must be pretty hard up.
Stay still.
I bet I know what it is.
Been waitin' all this time...
just for the right chance.
Right?
And now here at the last...
finally found it.
Enough of this.
Give it to me, baby.
Cowboy, goddammit!
[muffled cries]
[muffled]
Get off of me!
What's the matter with you?
Oh, I don't know.
You come barging in here
without knockin' or anything,
and I'm just supposed
to fall all over you?
I know what you think of me.
I know how all y'all
talk about me.
You just think
I'm some ol' dirty leg!
I never said you were
a goddamn dirty leg!
Hell, I'm just a drunk
son of a bitch.
-Bullshit.
-I didn't mean nothin'!
Don't you lie!
I know you.
Man, you never wanted
to have anything to do with me!
You think I'm dumb
as an old post?
I know what you think about me.
I know what all of you think!
Except maybe Claude!
So you just get
your goddamn bottle
and you get
the fuck outta here!
[Cowboy]
Whatever you say, lady.
[Janice] Go on!
Whatever you say.
You know-- Hey!
[chatter on TV]
You know...
I always knew what
y'all thought about me...
and sometimes it kinda
made me feel bad...
but I never feel too terrible.
And then you come
traipsin' in here
and you don't knock
or nothin',
and I'm supposed to turn
belly up for you?
I said to myself,
I said...
"Janice...
any man that'll treat you
that way
don't think you're any better
than a durned ol' dog."
That's how you make me feel.
[Cowboy]
Hey, Janice, I'm sorry.
I never meant anything by it.
I'm sorry.
Goddamn women.
Are you all right?
What happened?
What happened?
Come on, William,
we're goin' home!
-Just a second, darlin'!
-No!
Hey, I wanna tell ya
Mary and I, we're gonna go off
down to the Paradise Motel.
Whoo! I got an idea!
Hey! Hey!
I want all y'all to listen up
here for just a second,
'cause I got a great idea!
I want all you sons of bitches
to know...
William,
come down from there!
Hey, seein' how...
this here is the last night
at The Alamo and all...
I wanna-- I got a surprise
for all y'all.
-[man] All right!
-[laughing]
I wanna invite y'all out
to the Paradise Motel
with me and Mary,
and y'all can watch!
[Mary]
We ain't goin'.
[laughter]
Except Wayne.
Where is that motherfucker?
[laughter]
Well, you're invited too,
Wayne!
[laughter]
And you too, Willie!
[dopey laughing]
You can come
and have a good time!
You can have seconds!
[all laughing]
[slurring] Well, what--
Where's Cowboy?!
I don't want him
to miss this party here!
Listen, Skipper, can I have
one more beer, please?
[Skipper]
Nope, no more beer for you.
-Oh no!
-Oh no, man.
I don't-
I don't wanna come down!
I'm havin' a good time up here!
Don't take me down!
I'm havin' a good time.
-Come on, Ichabod.
-What?
-Come on down.
-No.
Step on down.
Come on.
[overlapping chatter]
-Oh, there he goes!
-Oh, shit!
[all laughing]
Y'all boys, put me down.
I can do it.
-You sure now?
-I think I can do it.
Can I do it?
Oh!
William, come on, now you
remember how to do this.
One foot in front of the other.
Aw, you know, Mary,
you love me, don't you?
I do love you, now come on
and get in the truck!
Get in!
[William]
Gonna go Paradise Motel.
Come on, William, you gotta
help me out here.
Ow! Watch my knee, darlin'.
Watch my foot!
Stay in there.
Oh, Mary, I think I'm
gonna throw up, darlin'.
Just keep your head
out the window.
Oh, no.
I think I'm gonna do it.
Don't drive fast, okay?
[truck starts]
[groaning]
[William mumbling]
Hey, you need some quarters?
You ain't pissed off at me,
are you ol' buddy?
Gimme a beer.
-Hey, hey.
-Oh, oh.
Come on, Steve.
Take it easy.
Now, I don't want
no more trouble, Cowboy.
-No trouble.
-Don't tell me no trouble.
Oughta kick your butt
outta here as it is.
It was out in
the damn parking lot!
I don't wanna hear about it!
You get to thinkin'
you're better than
anybody else around here
and you're makin'
a big mistake.
Hey, Cowboy.
I thought you and he
was supposed to be
such big Aggie buddies.
How come he ain't called back?
Hell, he ain't gonna do
jack shit. You watch.
Ten to one it was all
a bunch of bullshit.
I'll even lay money on it.
Hell, that son of a bitch,
oh, what's-his-name,
probably never even heard
of ol' Cowboy's ass.
I know what we oughta do.
Yeah, I know what we oughta do.
Poke, listen up!
Lionel!
Hell, there ain't no way
they're gonna take
this ol' place down!
Give 'em a beer, Skipper!
Now listen up 'cause this
son of a bitch gonna work.
Here's what we do,
all of us,
the more the merrier.
We get our cars
and our trucks
and we block
this son of a bitch,
all the way around,
bigger than Dallas,
and then we get a couple
of boys on the roof
and everybody's
got deer rifles, huh?
You think they're gonna tear
this son of a bitch down then?
It's be like that
goddamn movie
where they come
over the hill there!
What's the name of that?
Where they got all
the townspeople out there?
-Shit.
-Goddamn, Cowboy.
We get up there with
goddamn deer rifles,
they're gonna come here
and haul our butts off!
They ain't gonna
haul our butts off.
We'll call
channel what's-his-name.
They don't have
to be loaded, Wayne.
Huh?
Hell, we might even be on
Walter Cronkite or somethin'.
[chuckling]
[Steve] There ain't
no more Walter Cronkite.
Ain't gonna get my ass
thrown in jail.
Oh, goddamn, me neither.
What the hell for?
This place is gonna be shut down
the next day anyway.
Not a goddamn thing
we can do about it.
Ain't nothin' wrong
with B&B.
Hell, we'll just go on
over there.
Yeah, I wanna go to the B&B.
The B&B? You can't go there.
It's not the same.
You should see all the pussy
they got there.
They got more pussy than
you can shake a stick at.
Poke, you goin' to the B&B?
Yes, he is,
and you can't stop us.
Looks that way.
Go on, get out of here.
See if I care.
Where else you gonna go,
Cowboy?
B&B isn't all that bad.
Oh shit, Lionel.
The B&B,
that's an old Yankee joint
for rich Yankees to ride
the goddamn mechanical bull.
A bunch of Yankees
come down here
and open that place up.
It ain't the same.
It ain't Texas.
That's not the way
it's supposed to be.
I don't know nothin'
about goddamn Yankees.
[scoffs] You know what
I'm talkin' about!
Goddamn 7-Elevens,
McDonald's,
condominiums, suburbs.
First you know all that
good shit's gonna be gone!
Hell, Claude, tell these dumb
son of a bitches
what I'm talkin' about.
Don't look at me, goddammit.
I'm an ignorant
son of a bitch, too.
I about half-ass know what
you're talkin' about is all.
I don't know
what to tell 'em.
Yeah, you know.
Well, I'll say this much.
It ain't good.
That's for damn sure.
I know I don't wanna live
in no goddamn condominium.
Might even be worse than
that son of a bitch house
I been livin' in now.
Or was, until goddamn Marcie
kicked my ass out.
-Here we go again.
-Shit!
I oughta call
that son of a bitch
and give her
a piece of my mind.
Kick a son of a bitch out of
his own goddamn house.
Goddammit.
Tell me I gotta stay
in some goddamn motel!
Shit!
That's worse than
a goddamn condominium.
-Here's a quarter.
Go get it over with.
-Shit!
That ain't worth a shit.
Well, goddamn right!
I'm gonna call that hobags
and I'm gonna tell her ass!
Cowboy.
-Cowboy.
-Yeah, Willie?
How's about if
I get on the roof?
Huh?
Can I get on the roof, too?
Oh yeah, we'll put you
up on the roof, Willie.
I can be on the roof, too?
[giggling]
Yeah, we'll put you on the roof.
[chuckles]
H-How do you get up there?
You got a ladder?
Yeah, we'll--
Don't worry about it, Willie.
We'll get you up there
when the time comes.
Don't worry about it.
What I need you to do right now
is go cover the back door
in case they get
the drop on us, okay?
Honey,
can't we talk about this?
How come I just can't
come home?
I ain't all that bad, am I?
I love you.
Doesn't that count
for somethin'?
I ain't gonna stay in
no goddamn motel, Marcie.
You ain't gonna lock
my ass out,
'cause I got a goddamn key.
What are they gonna do,
arrest me for tresspassin'?
It's my goddamn house too.
[sighs]
I ain't never liked
the son of a bitch, either.
The hell it isn't.
We didn't used to fight
all the time.
Wasn't until we moved in
over there
that all this shit started.
What is it, then?
I ain't no different
than I ever was.
And I ain't never gonna be,
neither.
You mean all of a sudden
I'm supposed to act
like some stockbroker
son of a bitch?
I ain't like that.
I ain't gonna fool with nobody.
[sighs]
And I got to go through
all this shit
'cause of a piece of shit house
I ain't never even liked
in the first place?
Well, you goddamn sure as shit
coulda fooled my ass.
I tell you what, goddammit.
First thing tomorrow mornin'
there's gonna be
a goddamn "for sale" sign
on that son of a bitch.
I had enough of this shit.
Good bye, goddammit.
I'll burn the son of a bitch
down if I have to.
Good bye!
Shit.
-Goddammit. Shit!
-[phone ringing]
You better take my ass,
pimples and all,
or goddammit, fuck it!
I'll find me some women
that'll appreciate my ass,
and it ain't gonna be
all that hard!
How do you like them apples?
What?
Who? Cowboy?
Hey, Cowboy!
It's that son of a bitch.
What's-his-name?
That goddamn representative,
or whatever the hell he is,
friend of yours,
wants to talk to ya.
Goddamn, it's about time.
I told you guys!
I'll take it over here,
Claude!
Hello?
Yeah, how you doin'?
How's everything up in Austin?
Uh-huh?
Yeah, I'm down here
at The Alamo.
This ol' bar we hang out in.
Yep.
Well, the reason I called you,
Richard,
was to see if you could
help us out.
They're gonna
shut her down tomorrow.
They're tearin'
the place down.
And I was wonderin' if you
could do anything up there.
Uh-huh?
Well, the son of a bitch
that owns it has sold it.
They're gonna put
a high-rise up here.
Uh-huh?
Well, no, it's been here 30,
40 years, though.
I see.
Uh, you mean like,
did Sam Houston ever sleep here
or something like that?
No, uh, I don't think anybody
famous ever come through.
No, not that I know of.
Uh-huh?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well...
Okay.
Okay, I appreciate it.
Thanks anyway.
Okay, bye.
Son of a bitch.
That bullshit
just don't get it no more.
'Bout time you learned that.
[♪]
Hey, goddamn, Cowboy!
What the fuck?
You can't take that shit
in there, goddammit!
You'll get your ass
thrown in jail!
Give it to me, goddammit!
Fuck you too.
♪
[truck starts]
[cowbell jingles]
[Skipper]
Get that thing outta here!
You know better than that!
Any son of a bitches
got any balls left,
don't wanna see
this ol' place torn down,
step across this line.
There's the goddamn line.
Skipper!
I'll blow that son of a bitch
off the wall!
Shit, he ain't
gonna do jack shit.
I'll join you, Cowboy!
Willie!
Let him go, Steve!
I'll blow your head off.
Fuck you, Cowboy!
You ain't gonna shoot shit!
[gunshot]
Goddamn you, Cowboy!
Shit, you son of a bitch,
I'm gonna have to
kick your ass again!
[Skipper]
All right, goddammit!
That's it!
We're closed.
Go on.
Get outta here.
Go on, out!
Son of a bitch.
Come on, you heard,
the son of a bitch is closed!
Stay if you want to, Cowboy.
It's your own funeral.
Go on, Willie.
Go on home.
Don't worry about it, Willie.
You don't have to go.
You go get that bottle for us.
Thanks, Willie.
Hell, we ought to have
100 son of a bitches back here
backin' us up.
Here you go, Willie.
It ain't supposed
to be like that.
That ain't the way
it's supposed to be!
Wayne!
Lionel!
Get your asses back in here!
Chicken shit sons of bitches.
Give me the bottle, Willie.
Could I have a shot,
too, Cowboy?
Yeah, here you--
[bottle shatters]
Uh... well, I...
guess I--
I guess I'm gettin'
kinda tired, Cowboy.
Maybe I'd better just be...
goin' home.
[♪]
[♪]
[cowbell clanks]
Cowboy!
Cowboy!
Claude.
What the hell
you doin' here?
I burnt that
son of a bitch down.
You did what?
That goddamn house.
Burnt the son of a bitch down.
[chuckles]
Come on, let's get
the fuck outta here.
Hell, I don't think
I can move, Claude.
Here, let me
give you a hand.
You burned
the son of a bitch down.
-[phone ringing]
-[chuckling]
Marcie's gonna have your ass!
[ringing continues]
[Claude]
Yeah, shit.
Well, I don't know
how good of a job I did.
[ringing continues]
If that ain't Marcie,
might ain't right.
[ringing continues]
Alamo.
What?
Marcie?
Goddamn fire department
got there too quick.
Didn't hardly do diddly-shit.
That figures.
Boy, I better
get my ass home.
I ain't never gonna hear
the end of this.
Come on.
[crickets chirping]
Well, you can always blame me.
Good idea.
Might even work.
That must've been
a piss-poor fire you set.
Hey, Cowboy,
what's the matter?
No balls?
Fuck you, Steve.
[♪]
[truck starts]
[♪]
How you boys
doin' tonight, huh?
Y'all seen Cowboy around
at all?
We gotta go over to
the fucking Paradise Motel
and kick some faggot's ass.
Man, goddamn fuckin' manager
fuckin' kicked me and Mary
out of the Paradise Motel!
Well, no wonder.
Oh, just shut up, Mary,
and let me do the talking.
[Mary] Okay, you just
tell 'em what you did.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna tell the story, Mary.
Okay?
I'm gonna tell the story.
I got kicked out of the hotel
because I was
wearin' my underwear
and I was lookin' for
the goddamn ice machine.
-Oh, William!
-That's all I was doin'!
You were so drunk you don't
even know what you were doin'.
-Darlin', you know that--
-He was knockin' on people's
doors.
I was damn well
not that fuckin' drunk.
Yes, he was. He opened one door
and this man looked at him,
he's got these little moooses
all over his underwear.
Don't go talkin' 'bout my--
How would you like if
I didn't wear no underwear?
I'll walk around butt naked!
Is that what you want?
At least I don't wear none of
that crotchless pussy shit!
-You know?
-Well, so what?
Those little black panties,
you know,
with the little bit of
the kitty cats on 'em?
I'm goin' home.
Can one of y'all take me home?
Oh, now darlin',
I'm gonna take you home!
No, you--
I'm goin' home by myself.
All right, fine!
You go home!
I will never talk to you again!
All right,
you just go home!
Mary, you open
this goddamn truck!
Hey, Mary!
Mary! Hey, you!
[men hollering]
-Run, Ichabod!
-Whoo!
[crickets chirping]
[♪]
[♪]