Last Knights (2015) - full transcript

Turn the music
down, sir.

Hey, cut the music.

I'm sorry.

You know why I pulled you over?

Well, obviously, you felt
the need to exercise

your limited powers
and punish me

for ignoring
the speed limit.

It's okay. I understand.

I-I like to punish people, too.

Or at least I used to.

License and
registration.



Coming right up.

Are you trying
to bribe me, sir?

Yes, of course.

Is that not enough?

Take more. It's only money.

It's against
the law, sir.

You people are funny
about your laws, aren't you?

You break the law sometimes,
don't you?

Sometimes...

I put my siren on
and drive really fast

for no reason at all,

just 'cause I can.

Right?

And why wouldn't you? It's fun.



It feels good to get away
with something, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Uh, it's okay,
Officer.

People like to tell me things,

those deep, dark, naughty little
desires that are on their mind.

It's a gift.

Must be something
about this face.

You're tempted
to keep that, aren't you?

Well, what are you
waiting for, permission?

Go on, take it, buy yourself
something pretty.

You deserve it.

But if you don't mind,
I really must be on my way.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Hey, have a nice evening.

You, too, Officer.

You, too.

Where have you been?

Oh, holed up
in a château,

copulating with a young
woman named Faith.

It's ironic, isn't it?

Thank you, Patrick.
You can go.

You little devil.

What?

I dropped something.

Well, I'm sure you did.

Now, Lucifer,
I am a big fan of sex.

Obviously.

But I didn't leave Hell
to be a bartender.

Shouldn't you be spending
your valuable time

doing something
more significant?

You're the lord of Hell,
for crying out loud.

I am retired, Maze.
I've got nothing but time.

Thank you.

I think you have a visitor.

Amenadiel,
how's it hanging, big guy?

Huh?

Your return to the Underworld
has been requested.

Oh, right, okay.

Let me just, uh,
check my calendar.

Yeah, here it is.

Uh, the seventh of never

through to the 15th
of ain't-gonna-happen.

How does that work
for you guys?

Look, remind Dad
that I quit Hell

because I was sick and tired
of playing a part in his play.

I'm gonna warn you

against disrespecting
our father, Lucifer.

Yeah, well, our father's
been disrespecting me

since the beginning of time,

so pot-kettle, don't you think?

You are a mockery of
everything divine.

Thank you.

Thank you, but lately I've been
doing a fair amount of thinking.

Now, do you think
I'm the Devil

because I'm inherently evil,

just because dear old Dad
decided I was?

What exactly do
you think happens

when the Devil
leaves Hell?

All of those demons,

all of those tormented
and tortured souls,

where do you think they go?

Don't know, don't care.

Not my problem, brother.

So consider the position
officially open.

And you, my feathered friend,
can go to Hell.

Yeah, try it.

You think Father's upset now.

You know, he will not be
merciful for much longer.

Hey, you.

Remember me?

- You're famous, aren't you?
- Delilah!

- Delilah, isn't it?
- I love you, Delilah!

Can I have your autograph?

If I can have a drink.

So are you gonna tell
me why you really came back?

There's something
I need to know.

And what's that?

Did I... sell my soul
to the Devil?

Well, that would imply

the Devil's actually
interested in your soul.

Look, all I did
was introduce you

to a few key people who
owed me favors, that's all.

I mean, with all the good
came a hell of a lot of bad.

Oh, right, so the Devil
made you do it, did he?

The alcohol and the drugs,
the topless selfies.

The choices are
on you, my dear.

I mean, Jimmy Barnes?

I can't believe you almost
married that sweaty little imp.

He produced my album.

You introduced me to him.

I suggested you work with him,
not sleep with him.

Well, I got confused.

And then you left him
at the altar.

Yeah, that was rude of me.

No, actually, I quite
enjoyed that bit.

You know, he trapped me
in the bathroom at the Grammys,

said he wanted
to get back together.

Then I hear he's marrying

a supermodel...
this weekend.

And I'm jealous.

Oh, God, I'm a mess.

God has nothing to
do with your mess.

Look...

You didn't sell
your soul, Delilah.

You do owe me a favor.

I'm scared.

You should be.

Because what
I'm about to ask you

is gonna be
quite difficult for you.

Pull yourself together.

That's it, that's
all I'm asking.

'Cause you're wasting
your talent, your life.

Hmm?

You're human, darling.

I'm gonna do
as you asked.

I'm gonna get
it together.

Promise, Lucifer.

Look, it's not about me.

What happens now,
that's up to you.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Come here, you.

Oh, no, no, no, not yet.

What did you do?

I'm sorry.

"Sorry."

Why did you end her life?

Why else?

Money.

"Money."

Oh, it's times like this
I wish I was still in Hell.

All the fun activities
I'd have planned for you.

Hey, man, I just
pulled the trigger.

Want to hear
what I've got so far?

Lieutenant said
this is my case.

Yeah, Chloe,
it is your case,

but try not to take
too much time.

It's an easy one.

That's our bad guy.

Eddie Deacon, he's
a low-level drug dealer.

I found these in his pocket,

and I found this
in Delilah's purse,

so obviously drug-related.

She probably owed him
a bunch of cash or something.

She's not exactly selling out
stadiums these days.

How do you know
he's low-level?

Look at his car.

Did you look at his watch?

That thing ain't cheap.

It's probably fake.

Look...

there's gonna be a lot of
attention on this one, Chloe.

I wouldn't pick at it too hard.

Not after Palmetto Street.

I asked for this case
because of Palmetto Street, Dan.

So, anyway, any witnesses?

Lucifer Morningstar.

"Lucifer
Morningstar"?

Is that, uh,
a stage name or something?

God-given, I'm afraid.

You know,

you look familiar.

Have we met before?

Yeah, five minutes ago.

And I'm asking the questions.

Talk to me about your
relationship with the victim.

Well, she used to work here
a few years back.

I would occasionally
accompany her while she sang.

Then she became a big star and
someone decided to end her life.

Do you know the shooter?

No, but we did have
an interesting little chat

just before he kicked off.

I asked him why he did it.

Huh, like to play cop, do you?

No, I just like to play
in general, Detective.

What about you?

So, you had a conversation
with a dead guy?

Oh, no, he wasn't quite dead.

His soul hadn't
crossed the threshold.

I see.
Did he tell you why he did it?

Why, money, of course.

You humans, you love your money,
don't you?

Yes.

Yes, we do.

And, uh, what planet
are you from... London?

Yes, he also said,
"I just pulled the trigger."

Now, don't you think
that's interesting?

Delilah was shot to death
by a drug dealer.

And looks like Delilah herself
kept the guy pretty busy.

You know, it's sad, it's ugly,
but it's not rocket science.

Something probably
went south between them.

She gets riddled with bullets,

and a nice little act of God
takes him out.

You know, it doesn't work
like that, Detective.

It's quite a neatly wrapped
little present

for the LAPD, don't you think?

Why don't you tell me something?

How does she end up

dying in a hailstorm of bullets,

and you get away
without a scratch?

I think that's interesting.
Don't you?

The benefits of immortality.

"Immortality."

Mm, of course, uh,

you spell that
with one or two M's?

I always forget.

What will your corrupt little
organization do about this?

Excuse me?

Will you find
the person responsible?

Will they be punished?

Will this be a priority for you?

Because it is for me.

You got some balls
on you, pal.

Oh, thank you very much, but
they're really quite average.

I bet.

Now, are you sure
that we haven't met?

I could swear
I've seen you naked.

Have we had sex?

We're done here.

Uh, Detective, wait!

Someone out there
needs to be punished.

- We're not done.
- Yeah. Yeah, we are.

If there is anyone here that
would oppose this holy union,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

Excuse me. Yeah,
I have a problem.

Has-has anyone else noticed

how incredibly, jaw-droppingly,

loin-stirringly beautiful
this young woman is

and how short, sweaty

and altogether fugly
this homunculus is?

I mean, what is this...
a wedding or a kidnapping?

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, good luck
with that, Padre.

Ooh, why you're at it,
say hey for me.

It's been a while.

Jimmy Barnes!

Remember me?

Hey, man,
this is a private event.

How did you get in here?

Yeah, and quite a lavish one

for a record producer
on the outs.

You do remember me, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I remember you.

Now, what do you want?
I'm a little busy.

Well, I can't believe
that you're getting married

the day after your ex-fiancée
and once brightest star

was murdered in cold blood.

Yeah,
that's very sad.

But you know what,
she ruined my wedding once.

I'm not about to let
that happen again.

It's hard to be rejected,
isn't it, Jimmy?

Twice.

What?

Well, you tried
to get her back recently.

I mean, I'd kill someone
if they denied me once.

Not that that's possible.

So, come on,
what do you say, Jimbo, huh?

Did you want her dead?

Look, stop looking at me
that way, you freak.

I am not playing that
mind game with you.

No, of course not!

I was furious and
I was humiliated

when she dumped me,
but I think, I-I think

I've rebounded pretty well.

Yes, clearly.
Respect.

Should go
play your mind games

with 2Vile.

- The rapper?
- Come on.

Delilah dumped me
for that lunatic.

They were always fighting.

He slapped her
around a bunch.

He surrounds himself with
gun-toting morons 24-7.

He is the real deal.

Right.

Sorry, how rude.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Lucifer Morningstar.

I really don't want to
have sex with him tonight.

Oh, my...

I'm sorry, I...

I can't believe
I just said that.

Oh, no, no, no.
Let's be honest here.

I mean, you're not
marrying this human stain

'cause you're actually
in love with him, right?

- God no.
- No.

Right.

Well, I should get going.

Ooh!

Best of luck
with you crazy kids, all right?

Good afternoon, sir.

Yes, I'm here to see the man

sadly known as 2Vile...
is he in?

I'm sorry, sir.
He's unavailable.

He's in mourning, I'm afraid.

Right.
I have narcotics for him.

Right this way, sir.

Here you go, baby.

Can someone please turn down
this god-awful music!

Hello, disc jockey!

Thank you.

Who's this clown?

He has narcotics
for you, sir.

My name is Lucifer Morningstar.

"Lucifer Morningstar"?

Now, that's a good hip-hop name.

Well, that offends me.

What, you don't like hip-hop?

No, I most certainly do not.

Well, that offends me.

You have a problem
with black people?

No, not in the slightest.

I just hate your music.

And when I say

"your music,"
I mean your music.

Not the music made
by other black people.

Without the blues, there'd be
no devil's music whatsoever.

There are, of course,
many giants in the field.

Just not you...
am I being clear?

Yeah, you're
being clear all right.

- Good.
- If you're looking

to get yourself killed.

Yes, well, don't waste
your munitions... I'm immortal.

Tell me about Delilah.

You ain't seen the news?

Bitch is dead.

Don't shoot, you idiot!

- I didn't kill her.
- Why should I believe you?

Because I loved the girl.

People sometimes kill people
with whom they're in love.

The heart's mysterious.

- So I'm told.
- Ain't like that.

Girl made me crazy!

Women can do that.

Doesn't mean you should
beat them up, does it?

We worked that out
a long time ago.

I hit her once 'cause I found
out she was cheating on me.

All right.

With whom?

I don't know.
I don't know.

She wouldn't tell me,
all right?

Said it was a big secret,

some-some, uh, rich married guy.

Well, does she have a friend
that she might've confided in?

She didn't trust no one, man.

Uh, uh, her therapist.

Her therapist is probably
the only one who knows.

She-she's some, uh, uh,
Dr. Linda

in-in Beverly Hills.

Saw her, like,
five times a week on the DL.

Used a fake name, everything.

Oh, did she now?

Well, thank you for your time.

LAPD! Guns down.

On the floor, down!

You two against the wall.

Detective, welcome to the party.

Grab the bucket,
collect the guns.

Now!

You sly dog,
you did listen to me.

I ran the dead guy's cell phone.

2Vile was the last person
he called.

Come on, man.

What I find
highly interesting

is how you made the
connection on your own.

Well, I've been busy, my dear.

Talk to me about Delilah.

We've been over that one,
Detective.

And why you called
the shooter

two days before
she was murdered.

Fine. Yeah, I called Eddie
'cause he hooks me up sometimes.

He met Delilah through me.

Whatever.
Don't make me a killer, do it?

No, but it does
make you a suspect.

What, so everyone on Eddie's
phone's a suspect?

Are you joking?

You gonna drag
half of Hollywood downtown.

Be like the Oscars or something.

Wait, aren't you
that chick from that film?

Hmm, what's this?
What film?

You used to be an actress
or something, right?

Yeah.

That teen movie...
I forget what it's called.

Of course.
Hot Tub High School.

That's where
I know you from.

Let's just stick to my
questions, shall we? So...

The one with
the famous nude scene,

coming out of the hot tub!

It was, like, a complete
Fast Times rip-off.

She was, like,
the new Phoebe Cates!

Thanks, I appreciate that.

That was quite a nude scene.

I have far too many bullets

in this thing
for you to still be talking.

You, we need to have a
conversation right now.

That's a waste
of time, Detective.

I've just threatened his life...
he's not our guy.

He would've said, trust me.

You did what?

Yeah, isn't that illegal?

Uh, little bit, yeah.

You stay put.

You, you're coming with me.

What? Ooh.

With pleasure.

At least, perhaps now,
you'll listen to me.

Although, I'm not quite sure
why I'm being arrested.

Because you're interfering
with a police investigation.

You've broken I can't
even count how many laws.

And you pissed me off.

Right, I can get
out of these, you know?

Funny.

How'd you do that?

Come on, we're wasting time.

We should be out there
solving a homicide

and punishing those responsible.

"We"?
You're insane.

I'm taking you in.
Get in the car.

No, that's boring.

Not to mention pointless.

Come on, I'll help you.
It'll be fun.

How could you possibly help me?

I have a certain skill set.

I can be very persuasive
with people

and tend to see things
that others cannot.

So, you're psychic or something?

No, I can't read people's minds.
I'm not a Jedi.

People just like
to tell me things.

Hmm, just-just tell you things?

Just confess their sins,
just like that?

No, not their sins.

I have no power
over people's sins.

I actually get
a bad rap for that.

I have the ability

to draw out people's
forbidden desires.

The more simple the human,

the easier it is.

The more complex,
the more challenging

and exciting, really.

But no, the actual sins,
the sins are on you people.

"You people"?

I got it.

I got it! The name?

The whole Lucifer thing?

And desire's, like,
your superpower.

Mm, it's more like
a gift from God really.

Okay, look.

Tell me, Detective,

what do you desire more than
anything else in this life?

This is it?
This is your big trick?

I guess,
when I was a little girl,

I... always wanted to be a cop
like my daddy,

so that... that one day
I could help people and...

and be taken seriously...

...when I say to shut up
and get in the damn car.

You're not, like, a Jedi
or something, are you?

Get in the car.

No, no, no, no, no.
Look.

I know something you don't know.

Really? What's that?

Won't say unless you
take me with you on this.

Please, come on.
I got to 2Vile, didn't I?

Why do you care
about this so much?

About Delilah?

Look, I just... I just do.

Look, if I hadn't meddled
with her career,

maybe she wouldn't
have died.

Okay.

Okay, fine...
but if this

little clue thing of yours
doesn't pan out,

these are going back on,
and they're gonna stay on.

Is that a promise?

Yeah, therapist
in Beverly Hills

with the first name Linda.

See if Delilah
was a client.

Ah-ah, actually,
she had a pseudonym,

which I also
happen to know.

I'm quite good
at this, aren't I?

- Uh, Penny Lane.
- Okay.

Delilah may have gone
by Penny Lane. Thanks.

Don't look so smug.

Nothing's
panned out yet.

No, no, no, it's not that.

It's just that I knew
that I recognized you.

Right.

Right, you've seen my boobies.

It's exciting.

What, are you 12?

So is the, uh... is the movie

why you've got such
a chip on your shoulder?

Uh, it's low on the list

- of things I have to live down, I guess.
- Right.

Attractive female cop
struggling to be taken seriously

in a man's man's world...
that it?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, they're
threatened.

You're clearly smart
and have notable instincts.

Ignore them. Trust yourself.

Detective Decker.

All right,
text it to me.

Thanks.

What's that?

What you were
saying stands up.

There's a Penny
Lane who sees

a Dr. Linda Martin
in Beverly Hills.

Excellent.
I'll clear my schedule.

Ooh, someone's popular.

Please stop talking.

Hello.

What? You're kidding me.
Is she okay?

Oh, of course he's not there.

Thanks.

We got to make
a pit stop.

What?
No, absolutely not.

My kid got into a fight.
I got to pick her up.

What, can't she get
herself home?

She's seven.

Look, I'm not here
to help you run errands.

I'm here to help you
solve a homicide.

Really?

All right.

Wait here.

With pleasure.

Despise children.

I don't think you're allowed
to smoke in here.

Oh, dear, what will
become of me?

My mother is
a police officer.

She could arrest you.

Oh, I think I might
know your mother.

What's your name?

Lucifer.

Like the Devil?

Exactly.

My name's Beatrice, but
everybody calls me Trixie.

That's a hooker's name.

What's a hooker?

Ask your mother.

So... why are you
in trouble?

See that girl
over there?

She was bullying me.

She created a fake
Snapchat account

and used it to
make fun of me.

So... I kicked her in the
no-no-touch-touch square.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Well played.

Well played, indeed.

Hello, mean girl.

Did you know there's a
special section of Hell

reserved for bullies?

So have fun.

What did you do?

Oh...

I just think someone's feeling
a little guilty.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, munchkin.

Wow, shocker,
you're late.

Come on, give
me a break.

I'm putting
a case to bed.

Right, like I'm not
working a case, too.

Oh, yeah, the one
you tried to steal from me.

You mean the open and shut one.

You did open and shut it, right?

I'm being diligent, Dan.
It's a high-profile case.

Exactly, which is why you
need to be smart about it.

She is smart.
You're the dimwit.

Perhaps you should refrain from
arguing in front of the child.

It's unbecoming.

I don't know whether to laugh
or to shoot you.

Surprise me.

Isn't he funny, Daddy?

Hey, can you, uh,
drop Trix at my mom's?

We got to go. Thank you.

Trixella, give
Mommy a kiss.

I love you so much.

Good job standing up
to the mean girl.

Thanks, Mommy.

What's a hooker?

Daddy will tell you.

Bye, Lucifer.

It was nice meeting you.

Hmm.

Think she likes you.

Of course she does...
what's not to like?

Was your offspring
planned or a mistake?

Planned, sort of.

Really?

'Cause I've never understood
the human desire to procreate.

That's probably
a good thing.

I mean, children are
hideous little creatures,

terrible, taxing burdens.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Oh, um, yours is fine.

I mean, you know,
nothing to crow about,

but nothing to be too
embarrassed about, either,

so that's quite good, isn't it?

Are you at all aware
of how dickish you sound?

No.

Speaking of dicks...

why was that ex-husband of yours

pressuring you
to close the case?

No reason.

Strange.

Yes, you are.

Did my father send you?

Okay, Detectives,
I'll see you now.

Thank you.

Oh. "Detectives."

Dr. Martin,
I'd like to ask you

a few questions
about Delilah.

You're thinking
about it, aren't you?

What?

Yes, I wouldn't
recommend it.

I'm like walking heroin.

Very habit-forming.
It never ends well.

I'm sorry, do... do you two
know each other?

No, no, but I know that look.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

That is interesting

'cause... you don't
look at me that way.

- What way?
- With carnal fascination.

That's 'cause
it doesn't exist.

No, you see, that's just it...
with most women, it does.

I tend to appeal to the
dark, mischievous hearts

in all of you, but
you, Detective,

you seem oddly
immune to my charms.

Referring to them as "charms,"
I think, is a bit of a stretch.

Truth be told,
I find you repulsive.

Like, on a
chemical level.

That's fascinating.

Now, tell me, Linda...

You say it's fascinating,

and yet I can see that it
disturbs you, doesn't it?

Deeply.

Dr. Martin,

we know that, um, Delilah was
having a clandestine affair

with a wealthy married man,
so if you just

tell us his name,
we will be on our way.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Oh, she's one of
the complex ones.

Linda,

darling, why don't
you tell me? Hmm?

Well, I can't.

I want to, but I can't.

Oh, you're the devil.

Correct.

Now, come on, Dr. Martin.

I know you want to.

Oh, man, and it's really,
really juicy, too.

Ooh, I bet it is.

No, I can't.

What did you do to her?

Did you roofie her?

Oh, no, it's
not her fault.

She's just
reacting to me.

Just watch
and learn, okay?

Right, the answer is yes,

we can take a trip
to pound town if we must,

but first, you're gonna have
to tell us, Linda, okay?

Um...

Okay...
it's Grey Cooper.

Grey Cooper?

Seriously?

That is juicy.

Grey Cooper, the actor?

The one who's married
to Amanda what's-her-chops?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no,
he's horrible.

So square-jawed,
so handsome, so vanilla.

Oh, I'm really quite
disappointed in Delilah.

That's truly terrible taste
in the opposite sex.

Thank you very
much, Dr. Martin.

We'll be in touch.

All right,
we got to go.

Yes, of course,
but I... I made a deal,

so I'm gonna have to hold up
my end of the bargain.

You wouldn't mind
waiting outside?

Are you seriously talking

about having sex
with her right now?

- Well, it won't take long.
- I do yoga.

Hot... yoga.

I'm freakishly flexible.

Want to see?

Wow!

I really tried
to keep that one in.

Well, you tried...
that's what matters.

Uh, look,
I'm really sorry,

but I'm gonna have
to take a rain check.

I will be back, okay?

I certainly hope so.

My word is my bond.

Excuse me! Excuse me.

Ah, excuse me. Thank you.

Hey, hey, sir.

Who the
is this guy?

What the hell are you doing?

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry, he's with me.

That's not Grey Cooper.

No, of course not.

What the hell is this?

We need to speak
with Mr. Cooper.

God, Delilah, yeah,
heard about that this morning.

I can't believe it.

We did a movie
together last year.

Got pretty close.

- Lovers?
- Friends.

Friends who were lovers?

Settle down.

I'll handle
the questions.

Mr. Cooper, when did you last
have contact with Delilah?

Well, actually, I just
have one more question

before you proceed
with the boring ones.

Tell me, Mr. Cooper,

what do you want more
than anything in this world?

What's your deepest,
darkest desire?

You close your eyes,
what do you see?

I'm the president of the
United States of America.

Ha!

Well, who's the Devil now, eh?

Those are some pretty big
aspirations there,

- Mr. Cooper.
- Well, after the acting

- and stuff.
- No need

to be embarrassed. Hell,
if Arnold can do it, right?

Now, you wouldn't

want any nasty secrets

screwing that up for you,
though, would you?

Is there a point to this?

Mr. Cooper, were you having
an affair with Delilah?

Honey!

Have you been
getting my texts?

I thought they were
breaking you for lunch

like a half hour ago.

What's going on?

These people are detectives.

Real ones?

We have some questions
about Delilah.

Oh. Oh. Yes, it's so sad.

Yeah. Very sad.

Your watch,
where'd you get that?

Oh, it's a prop.

No, that's the one

Delilah gave you, isn't it?

For Time Will Tell?

Right.
That's the movie

that we did.
It was a wrap gift.

Yeah. She buy a $10,000 watch

- for the whole crew?
- Uh, no.

Just me, as far as I know.

'Cause we were,
you know,

costars and everything.

You know, you're gonna have
to get much better at lying

if you want to be president.

I know, right?

So you were sleeping
with her, then, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Crap. I just said that
in front of people.

Whatever.
It's not like I didn't know.

God, you are a
terrible liar.

And actor, by the way.

- You knew?
- Of course.

Why else do you think I've been
sleeping with Bobby?

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah. And it is good.

Mmm. I climb that man
like a tree.

Right, Bobby?

My bodyguard?

What a cliché.

Oh, I'm a cliché?
Well, you're a dick.

Oh, boy.

- Hey, guys...
- Come on!

Hey, guys. Arrest them.

Seriously?

One of them's got
to be guilty.

Thanks.

So, Grey and Amanda have
zero connection to the shooter.

But the shooter had
the same watch as Grey.

That can't be a coincidence.

Maybe Delilah gave him one, too,
like kind of a go-to gift. I...

Well, that would imply
she was actually

sleeping with that maggot.

Really?

Jimmy, 2Vile,
Grey Cooper.

That's three other maggots
she's sleeping with.

I don't think there's a lot
of discretion going on with her.

Yeah. I suppose you got a point.

God, what am I doing here?

Wrong deity, but, yes,
that is the eternal question.

No. I mean here, in a bar,

- with you.
- Well, I don't know.

You tell me, Detective.

I mean, despite
your proclaimed revulsion,

you can't deny that
there's a connection between us.

Tell me, what do
you actually want?

You mean what do I desire
more than anything else

- in this life?
- Yes.

- Mm-hmm.
- No tricks. Not that they work

on you, you freak.

Seriously. I'm curious.

I don't know.

What-what I told you's true.

I-I really do want
to help people.

My father was a cop.

He was a great cop.

My mother was an actress.

Really cheesy one.

I tried the acting thing.
I took off my top.

Wasn't really contributing
to the betterment of society.

I disagree. I love that movie.

So I quit.

Decided to become a cop
like my dad

and, uh, dealt with the whole
Hot Tub High School thing,

until, um,

I became a detective
and found a whole new way

- to ostracize myself.
- Ah, the...

reason your ex-maggot
was pressuring you

to close this?

Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. There was a case,

a shooting on Palmetto Street
where a cop was shot,

and I saw it differently
than pretty much everyone

in my department,
including my ex.

And I stuck
my neck out,

and it backfired.

And, uh, now...

no one wants to work with me.

Well, I'm available.

Too bad your little protégé

isn't around
to collect the check.

The soundtrack album

for the movie Time Will Tell

has reached number 15
on the Billboard charts

and is still climbing.
Song and record sales...

Oh, wow.

What?

Delilah didn't give that watch
to the drug dealer.

Stop, stop, stop!

What is it? You got a gerbil in
your throat? What's going on?

Hello, Jimmy.

Really?

How's the album sales doing?

What album?

Soundtrack to Time Will Tell,
which you produced.

Whitney Houston hit the top ten
for album sales after her death.

Michael Jackson hit
the stratosphere.

Not sure you'll achieve such
heights having Delilah killed,

but that sure is a boatload of
royalty checks headed your way.

Guess you really
needed the cash, huh?

Which is why you had to pay
the shooter with your watch.

The watch Delilah gave you.
Now, that's just sick.

But then you are, so...

Hey, Jimmy?

I made her,
and she ruined me.

She humiliated me.
She owes me.

You're not God, Jimmy.
You didn't make her.

But you did destroy her.

So I'm gonna punish you.

You back off,
you freak. I mean it.

I am not going to jail
for that bitch. No chance.

Listen to him,
Lucifer. Back off.

I told you, it's fine.
I'm immortal.

Why did you do that?

- He was gonna kill you.
- No, no, no,

no, no, no. You just...
you just let him off too easy.

He needs to pay!
He needs to suffer!

He needs to feel the pain,

- not escape it!
- Don't worry.

I'm sure where he's going,
the pain's coming.

No. No, it's not, actually.

And you know why?
Because I'm here and he's...

Chloe.

I don't want to die.

I won't let you.

Your father will just have
to wait for you.

Just... give me one second.

No, please! No, no,

please! Please.

Please don't kill me.

Oh, Jimmy.

You're gonna wish
that's all

I did to you.

Well,

look who's back.

How long have I been out?

Three years.

What?

You're such an ass.

- Thank you.
- Oh, God.

He was firing at you.

Why aren't you...

more dead?

You're having a very hard time
with the immortal thing,

aren't you?

- What happened with Jimmy?
- Jimmy?

Jimmy got what he deserved.

Hmm?

Well, I'm pretty sure
I'd be dead

if you hadn't helped me,
so...

thank you.

Sorry, what was that?
That last bit.

I didn't quite
get that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And, besides, you know,

you're far too interesting
to let die.

You saved my life
because I'm interesting?

Wildly irritating as well,
but yes.

So what now?

Well, I mean,
I've obviously proven myself

to be an invaluable
crime-fighting tool.

You're a pariah
in the department.

I think this could be the start

of a beautiful friendship.
Don't you?

Who the hell are you?

I told you, I'm...

Lucifer!

Uh, yes. Hello, child.

Um, just... Why don't you save

some of this unpleasantness
for your mother, yeah?

Ooh.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

- God.
- Are you hurt?

I'm okay.

Right.
Well, I'd stay for

the family reunion,
but it's giving me terrible IBS.

So, look forward
to seeing you soon, Chloe.

- I don't.
- Bye, now.

Glad you're not dead.

Bloody hell.

What do you want
from me?

I've been watching you, Lucifer.

- You perv.
- And I'm not sure

I like what I see.

You're showing restraint, mercy.

You scared I'm turning my back
on the dark side, bro?

Lucifer, there is a balance here
that we must maintain.

I strongly suggest you do
what I told you to do

and go back to Hell.

Don't threaten me, Amenadiel.

I mean, you don't want
to start a war.

I would love a war.

Oh, Luci.

My hatred for you grows stronger
with every visit.

Well, I wouldn't have it
any other way, pal.

I look forward
to eating your heart one day.

Peace.

Ugh.

I sense your
disapproval, Maze.

What is it?

I just can't understand
why you would save a human life.

Well, there's...
something different about her

that I don't quite understand,
and it vexes me.

Maybe it's not her
that's different.

Is this
where I'm supposed to ask,

"Whatever do you mean?"

I'm worried the humans
are rubbing off on you.

Stop caring.

You're the Devil.

Yes, I am.

- Okay. Right.
- Uh...

Here's the deal.
We can have as much naked

cuddle time
as you desire, but...

you're gonna have
to listen to me, too.

There's a few things that
I'd like to discuss with you.

You know, just a...
an existential dilemma or two.

Deal?

- Yes.
- Lovely.