Last Holiday (1950) - full transcript

[violin plays sad tune]

[orchestral accompaniment plays]

[coughing]

- This way, please.
- B-But...

Oh, what's the use?

[yawns]

Sorry. All right.

- Who's next?
- Mr Bird.

Bird? Bird, Bird, Bird, Bird.

Oh, yes, yes. This is interesting.

There you are. Genuine case
of Lampington's disease.



Delayed, but now moving
into the acute stage.

Very rare, always fatal.

- Had X-rays taken?
- Oh, yes.

So have I. Wonderful what
they can do now, innit?

Do anything, except get you enough to eat.

- Bird. George Bird?
- Oh, that's me.

So... Sit down.

- You married, Mr Bird?
- No. Never have been.

Living with any close relation?
Mother or sister?

No, I haven't any close relations.
Just live in digs here.

- Oh. Some girlfriend perhaps?
- Not now.

Any special friend? Some... some old pal?

No. Had a great pal once,
but he went to Africa.

Lonely sort of chap, aren't you, Mr Bird?



Looks like it, doesn't it?
But what's all this about?

Well, Mr Bird...

according to this X-ray,

you're suffering from
a very rare complaint

known as Lampington's disease.

Come over here a moment.

Now then. Have a look at that.

What does it do to you, this...
Lampington's disease?

Ah, now, that's very interesting
and it's a curious thing

that nobody spotted it
until about 40 years ago,

when Trevor Lampington
wrote a monograph on it.

You see, between the stomach
and the small intestine, there's a...

Sorry, Doctor, but is it serious?

You want the honest truth,
don't you, Mr Bird?

- Yes, Doctor.
- Well, it is serious, very serious indeed.

Lampington's disease
has always proved fatal.

No pain, as a rule,
you'll be glad to learn.

An acute case soon passes
into a coma and... and death.

But I feel all right now, Doctor.

In fact, my landlady says
it must have been the fish.

It isn't what you feel, my dear chap.
It's what this X-ray tells us.

Couldn't be wrong, I suppose?

I'm sorry. I... I'm very sorry.

Afraid you'll have to prepare yourself.

May be a few weeks.

Just possibly might be a few months,

but that's the limit.

And then? Finish?

What's your occupation, Mr Bird?

I'm a salesman for the Chanbury
Agricultural Implement Company.

Saved any money?

About 300 or so.

And I have an insurance policy.

I suppose the surrender value
would be about 500.

Well, if I were in your place,
I'd take that 800,

walk out of my job and go to Bournemouth,

or Torquay, or Pinebourne.

Find a good hotel
and enjoy myself while I could.

Now, don't forget,
there shouldn't be any pain.

Just a sort of numbness at first,
and then a coma and... and death.

You said that before.

Well...

- Thanks very much.
- Not at all. Stiff upper lip.

- Feels all right so far.
- No, no. I meant keep smiling.

How do you keep smiling
with a stiff upper lip?

I'm so sorry, Mr Bird.

Don't mention it.

When you come to think of it,
you know, it's a bit thick, isn't it?

Couldn't agree with you more.

I mean to say...

it's going to be all over before
I've even got properly started.

[wheezing and coughing]

[violin plays a sad tune]

Don't lean against the window.

Well, Bird, you ought to have been
over at Binnisford today.

- I had to go to the clinic, Mr Dinsdale.
- Now don't go fancying you're ill.

All right, I won't.

Well, off you go then.
Off you go. Don't waste time.

- I am going, Mr Dinsdale.
- Well, go on then, go.

But I'm going for good.

Here, Bird, don't be foolish.

I know the last time you asked me
for a rise I couldn't manage it.

No. Business wouldn't stand it, you said.

Well, we won't quarrel about a few pounds.

Not now, we won't.

Look, Bird, I'll... I'll raise you to 400.

- 450.
- No use.

500.

No go.

Too late.

Remember that with the next chap.
Don't leave it too late, Dinsdale.

- Well, so long.
- Ah, but where are you going?

I don't know yet, but wherever it is, I
shan't be trying to sell anybody anything.

Don't go, Bird.
Listen. I'll make it 550. 600!

650. 700. 750.

800. That's about what
it'll be altogether, I think.

The bank would be glad to advise
about any investment.

I'm not going to invest it.
I'm going to spend it.

- Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- Oh, yes, you would. Even you.

Now, look. Have you
a branch in, um, Pinebourne?

Pinebourne? Oh, yes. Yes.
We can accommodate you in Pinebourne.

Oh, yes, any amount
of accommodation in Pinebourne.

What, uh, class of hotel had you in mind?

- Well, what do you think?
- Oh, something very reasonable, I suppose.

- Pinebourne's rather exclusive, you know.
- Oh, is it?

Oh, yes. In fact, it's very exclusive.

Why, what do they do there? Meet you
at the station and tell you to go back?

Hmm. The Regal Hotel.

- No. That's not what you want.
- Why? What's the matter with it?

The Regal? Well, although it's rather small,
it's very expensive. Select, you know.

Well, it can select me for a change.

Just you book me a single room
at this Regal from tomorrow, please.

And I'd better have
a railway ticket as well.

Certainly. Return, of course?

One-way.

[jangly piano plays]

One moment, sir. Just one moment.

It's important. You are just
the man I've been looking for.

- What, me?
- Yes, sir.

And believe me,
it's a wonderful opportunity.

Won't take half a minute to explain.
Come inside, sir.

Come inside, please.

Mind the step, please.

What's the idea?

You know about that big sale
at Lord Fristover's place the other day?

Well, I went

and was lucky enough to get some of
his late lordship's clothes and suitcases.

What do you expect me to do, cheer?

[tuts]

You are not on my side yet, are you?

Not specially, no.

You will be, because it's lovely stuff.

Savile Row. Costs a fortune now.

And I've been looking out for somebody
it would fit, and you are him.

That's why I called you in.

Try one of the jackets on.
Just try it. That's all.

All right.
But I'm only doing it to amuse you.

Mm-hm.

Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

Even better than I thought.

Don't take my word for it.
Have a look at yourself.

Over there.

See what I mean?

Best tailoring in London, in the world.

Wear two or three suits like this
and a dinner jacket,

and you're going to look like somebody.

- You'll begin to live.
- A bit late.

But I see what you mean.

Let's have a look
at the rest of that stuff.

Certainly.

Thirty-five. Five, less three.

Three, four, five, six.

Sixty-five pounds, 16 shillings.

Call it sixty-five pounds!

And you know what I'll do for you?

I'll throw this other case in.

And that's because I've taken
a fancy to you and enjoyed myself.

Well, what do you say?

Sixty-five, eh?

I believe I'm balmy, but all right.

Sixty-five pounds,
and I take this lot and both cases.

That's it.

Now...

Believe it or not, but I have done you
a big favour this afternoon.

And I want you to promise
to do me a little favour.

- Will you?
- I don't know. I might.

- Come on. Come on.
- All right, I will.

Take that moustache off.
Doesn't go with this class of stuff.

Make a nice all-round job of it.

Just to please me,
have a neat little hair trim

and get that moustache off.

- Will it give me a stiff upper lip?
- Oh, for an hour or two.

I need it for longer than that.

My dear sir,
I'm going to tell you something.

You've come into something big.

And how do I know?

It's the look in your eye.

A special look.

And what does it tell me?

It tells you I've come into something big.

Quite so.

But how big is it?

I don't know. Nobody knows.

Or if they do know,
they've never told us properly.

And I'm leaving for it in the morning.

The 15th?

The same suite that you had before?

Well, I'll speak to
Mr Gambini about it, madam,

but I don't think it's possible
to reduce our terms.

Yes, very busy indeed. Goodbye, madam.

- Yes, Mrs Rockingham?
- I had a message from Mr Gambini

asking me if I'd call at his office.

Oh, yes. Well, I'm afraid you'll have
to wait a few minutes, Mrs Rockingham.

Mr Gambini has Mr Prescott with him.

- A light?
- Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Good afternoon.

I've a room booked here. My name's Bird.

Oh, yes, Mr Bird.
Um, single room, wasn't it?

Will you sign here, please?

Just your name and address will do.

I haven't any address, I'm afraid.

Not any address?

No. I've been travelling about
a good deal lately.

I like travel, you know. Don't you?

I like what I've heard about it.

- Oh, I see you've been lucky, Mr Bird.
- Have I?

Oh, I see what you mean.

I'm sure Mr Bellinghurst
will appreciate your kindness.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

Uh, Mr Gambini,
Mr Bird has just arrived.

Oh, Mr Bird. Welcome to our Regal Hotel.
I am Gambini, the manager.

And if at any time you have the smallest
complaint, please come to me.

I hope you will enjoy
your stay with us very much.

Thanks. I hope so too.

We have many important people
stay with us, Mr Bird.

This gentleman you see with me,
he is Mr Prescott,

secretary to Mr Bellinghurst,
Cabinet minister.

- Is he here?
- Yes, yes.

He spent his convalescence with us here

and many very rich
and very important people.

You said you wanted to see me,
Mr Gambini.

I can't wait all day, you know.

Of course, Mrs Rockingham.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
This way, please.

Just a little formality.

Miss Mellows, see that everything
is very nice for Mr Bird.

Of course, Mr Gambini. I think you'll
find your room very comfortable,

but if not, please let me know.

Page, take Mr Bird to 13.

[husky voice] I forgot your soap.
I'm always forgetting

because the last place I was in
they didn't give soap.

[whispers] I see.

What's the matter?

- How do you mean, "What's the matter"?
- Well, why are we whispering?

Oh, I've talked like this for years.
Can't help it.

I was in Birmingham before this,

but I wanted to change.

So did I and I've got one.
What's your name?

Maggie Craven.

This is the poshest place
I've been in so far.

It's the poshest place
I've been in so far too, Maggie.

[woman] Ahem!

That'll do, Maggie.
Nineteen's ringing for you.

I bet she is. Never stops.

- I'm Mrs Poole. I'm the housekeeper here.
- Oh, yes. Nice job?

Well, I don't think we need discuss that.

But if you've any complaint to make
about your room, please let me know.

I shall be in the linen room
at the end of the corridor.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bird, eh? A General Bird used to shoot
with my father when I was a girl.

He'd an extremely large nose.

Has your Mr Bird a large nose?

No, Miss Hatfield. Just an ordinary nose.

Oh, probably not the same family.

I remember all these Birds had long noses.

Beaky Birds we girls used to call them.

Cor, you ought to see the labels on his
bags. Ships, aeroplanes, hotels all over.

Cairo, India, New York, Los Angeles.

Only give me a tanner though
for taking him up.

That proves he's got plenty of money.

The richer they are,
the less they give you,

cos they don't care
what you think of 'em, see?

- Wonder what he is.
- How about secret service?

- [buzzing]
- How about working that lift?

[buzzing]

[knocking]

I say, Mrs Poole.

Yes, Mr Bird?
Something wrong with your room?

Oh, no. It's very nice, thank you.
It's, um...

It's posh, isn't it? In fact,
it's the poshest you've been in so far.

Please, don't shut that door.
I work here, you know.

We're not supposed to
shut ourselves in with the guests.

Oh, I wasn't thinking about
anything like that. I...

I just wanted a word with you
in private, if you didn't mind.

I feel, um...

I've... I've got to talk to somebody.

Well, why me?
I'm only the housekeeper here.

I shouldn't be in here anyhow. I'm sorry.

Look, don't look at me like that.

You come to a place like this ready
to spend £40 or £50 a week on yourself

and look at me as though
you expect me to be sorry for you.

It's the limit.

If you get any wrong ideas about that,
I'll knock you senseless.

Well, now that you're here, give me a hand
with this, and keep your voice down.

By the way...

before you start, you might like to know
that you're already regarded here

as a sort of mystery man,
whatever that may mean.

I oughtn't to have come here.
It's not my kind of place.

What about all this travelling
you're supposed to have done?

Only travelling I've done's
among Midland farmers,

trying to sell them farm implements.

What's wrong with that?
Why didn't you go on with it?

- Come into some money?
- [laughs] No.

Never earned more than about
nine pounds a week.

But I'm not married,
and I've saved a few hundred.

Well, you're not spending
your savings here?

But why?

Wanted a bit of high life?

In a way, I suppose.

I got into some trouble. Uh...

Heard some bad news.

I thought I might as well have a flutter
while I'd still a chance.

What bad news? What sort of trouble?

Or don't you want to tell me?

- Think I'd better not.
- All right. It's nothing to do with me.

But you needn't think
I'm going to tell anybody about you.

But now that you are here,
don't creep about looking apologetic.

Be a mystery man,
or anything else you want to be.

And tell 'em what you think.
It'll do 'em good.

They could never get Sir Herbert
to touch a tomato.

One of his fads.

- I'll take those.
- Yes, madam.

"Nay, Herbert," I'd say,
"don't be so silly!"

But it didn't make a bit of difference,
wouldn't touch 'em.

[second woman] Fancy!

- What did I tell you? You would come here.
- I'm not grumbling, am I, Joe?

Good as. I'm grumbling, all right.
Look at 'em. Look.

About as much life here
as the old fourpenny waxworks.

We ought to have gone
to Brighton like I said.

You and your Brighton.

So I was wondering if he could be
one of the beaky Birds we used to know.

One of the girls - Emily, I think it was -

went mad and wouldn't
come out of the lumber room.

Mr Chalfont, you're not listening.

What? Oh, yes, I am. You said lumber room.

Very fond of lumber rooms.
Give you all sorts of ideas.

Don't like birds in them though.

[piano trio play classical music]

That's the man, coming in now.

- Well turned out. Savile Row.
- He looks snooty to me.

Possibly.
Don't like the look of him myself.

If that's the man,
not one of the same Birds.

The family nose couldn't have
dwindled so rapidly.

Perhaps he's had an inch or two removed.

Reminds me of Sir Herbert's cousin Arthur,

the one that went to Australia.

- Fancy!
- Well, that's somebody new anyway.

- Nice-looking sort of chap too, Joe.
- Gets me nowhere, does it?

Unless that Rockingham piece
starts acting a bit more friendly.

Expecting your husband back tonight?

I'm not sure. Either tonight
or early in the morning.

I think he ought to be careful.

- Why?
- These little trips abroad.

He isn't the right type.

- Too slapdash.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

[seagulls crying]

Take a card. Any card.
Look at it, but don't tell me what it is.

You probably think this
is one of those trick packs

with all the cards alike, but it isn't.

Thanks. Your name's Bird, isn't it?

Mine's Chalfont.
I hope you don't mind my doing this.

I promised to do some tricks for the
boys' club down here on Saturday night,

- and I'm terribly rusty.
- Aren't you Rufus Chalfont, the inventor?

Yes. I designed a new undercarriage
for aircraft.

They awarded me £10,000 tax-free
and I'm spending it.

Trying to enjoy myself, till I can
find something else worth doing.

You invented the Chalfont subsoiler.

Good man, good man! First sensible
remark I've heard today. Good fellow.

Now look here, Mr Chalfont,

if you really want to do
something else worth doing...

Go on. This is like
getting back to civilisation.

...you ought to improve
on that old subsoiler of yours.

Up to a point it's a good job,
but it keeps jamming, you know.

- Yes, yes, yes. I do know.
- It's the blade, of course,

but I wouldn't know how to improve it.

Mmm. That blade wants thinking out
from the beginning, you know.

My dear fellow,
I'm infinitely obliged to you.

Of course the subsoiler's
the thing to work on.

And we need it badly too.

Ha-ha! You're a splendid fellow!

Oh. That's the card you picked.

- Mr Bird?
- That's me.

My name's Prescott,
private secretary to Mr Bellinghurst,

who, as you probably know,
is staying here.

- Yes, I heard he was.
- Well, the minister... Mr Bellinghurst,

wonders if you care to join him
in a cocktail down in the bar,

- about a quarter to eight.
- Are you sure it's me? Bird?

Yes, of course. The minister is always
very anxious to talk to people.

Gain their impressions
of government policy and so on.

- You can be quite frank with him.
- All right, I will.

A quarter to eight then,
in the little cocktail bar. Splendid.

Bless you!

[buzzing]

Really, Miss Fox, I'm surprised at you.

- I wasn't thinking, Lady Oswington.
- And he wasn't sneezing neither.

Hiding his face, if you ask me.
Very peculiar. Hmph!

Very peculiar indeed.

What do I do about this?

Come here.

Can't look after yourself, can you?

Seems like it. I'm sorry.

Oh, don't apologise.
How are you getting on?

Well, I've started an inventor reinventing

and I've just been asked to have a drink
with a Cabinet minister.

- How's that?
- All right, so far. There.

Thank you very much, Mrs Poole.
It's very kind.

No, it isn't very kind of me.
I like doing it.

- And don't look at me like that.
- Like what?

Like a little lost dog or something.
In a minute, you'll have me...

Oh, I wish you'd tell me what's wrong.

All right. Off you go,
and don't let anybody see you.

[indistinct chatter, light jazz plays]

- What can I get you?
- A white lady for me, please.

Ah, Mr Bird.

- White lady and a double martini, George.
- Yes, sir.

All right, Joe. You've seen her now.

No harm in looking, is there?

What have I gotta do
so you get to know her?

- Give her chloroform?
- Who wanted to come here?

We're half a mile out of our depth,
that's what we are.

[loud laughter]

Well, now, Mr Bird,
what do you really think about us?

You're doing all right.

That's what we want to hear, eh, Prescott?

Doing all right. Course we are.

But you're making one or two
very bad mistakes.

Oh, we are, eh?
Well, just tell me one.

Do you really want to know, Mr
Bellinghurst, or are we just chattering?

No. Go on, my dear chap, tell me.

We make machinery and send it abroad, eh?

- Certainly. Must have exports.
- Yes, quite.

Yes, but a lot of that machinery
will be used to make the goods

we want to sell people abroad.

In the meantime,
we aren't making enough machinery

to improve our own agriculture here,

to grow more food for ourselves,
which is the most important thing of all.

- That's what you think, eh?
- I don't think, I know.

I could show you 200 farms in one county
that are crying out for more machinery -

combine harvesters, drying plants,
muck-spreaders, new disc harrows.

I'm sorry, Minister, but you've
an engagement immediately after dinner.

Yes, we'll have to go in.

I want some more information
from you, Mr Bird.

Tomorrow, perhaps.
So don't run away or drop dead.

Something there I might use,
you know, Prescott.

Just what I was thinking, Minister.

Make a note to get hold of that chap
for me as soon as I've an hour to spare.

Up in my room, tomorrow, or the day after.

Yes, Minister. Yes, of course.
Yes, certainly I will.

Thank you.

Won't you join us?

And I'm in the chair. So what will
you have, Mr Bird? Double martini?

A glass of beer, thank you.

- You don't mean it?
- Yes, I do. I always mean what I say.

- But how exciting.
- Isn't it?

But that means, if someone
asks you a question,

you've got to give them a truthful answer.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Why shouldn't we tell the truth
to each other?

Because, for one thing,
most of us couldn't take it.

Could you?

I've had to.

What are you thinking about?

The truth, remember?

I was thinking that
if I'd seen you outside somewhere...

looking like that...

I'd have thought you were
out of some other world.

And yet here you are, as real as I am.

You know, there's something
rather frightening about you, Mr Bird.

Oh, dear.

All right, Joe Clarence.

If you want to get to know her
as bad as all that,

why don't you go across
and introduce yourself?

That's just what I would do,
if we was anywhere human,

not in a stuffed-shirt dump like this.

Don't be silly. What's the difference?
They can't eat you, can they?

And talking about eating,
it'll be dinnertime in a minute.

So come on, Joe. Make up your mind.

All right. I'll have a bash at it.

Follow me, girl,
and keep your fingers crossed.

Excuse me. Uh, you're the very spit
of a bloke I met up at Haringey.

Sorry, I've never been there.

There you are, Joe. What did I tell you?
You and your Haringey.

- All right. I made a mistake.
- And it doesn't matter, Mr?

- Uh, Clarence. Joe Clarence.
- We've met now, haven't we?

- That's right, Mr Bird.
- So join the party.

That's what I wanted to hear
the whole week.

- You'll all have one with me. George.
- Yes, sir.

Now come on, let's enjoy our miserable
selves and you know why, chum?

No, I'll buy it.

Cos we're a long time dead.

Excuse me. I've just
remembered something.

[loud gong booms]

Where now would you like me
to put you, sir?

- Put me?
- For dinner, sir.

[hammering and sawing]

[hammering and sawing continue]

[man sings]
♪ I'll sing thee songs of Araby! ♪

♪ And tales of k... fair Cashmere ♪

♪ I'll sing thee songs of Araby! ♪

♪ That's what you'll love to hear! ♪

What's the idea?

- Finishing a job, that's all.
- Wake you up, did we?

Nearly knocked me out of bed.

Well, you've gotta get up sometime, chum.

We can't all be the idle rich, you know.
We don't get our lay-in till Saturday.

- [workman continues to sing]
- Oh, Mr Bird...

- I'm sorry about all this noise.
- It's a bit thick, you know.

Well, of course, it is horrible.
But, you see, Mr Bird,

there is one of our best clients
who stay here often long time.

He arrange with me to make
some changes in his sitting room.

Today he come back,
so we must finish quick, eh?

You know this gentleman, Sir Robert Kyle?

Very important gentleman from Scotland.

Very, very rich.
Millionaire. From "sheeps".

- Sheep?
- No, no. Big ships.

To go in the water.

Mr Bird, I ask the waiter to bring you
a very nice breakfast, especially for you.

[both workmen singing]

So I got this commercial type
to give me a lift from Southampton.

About all I did get on this trip.

No, the luck's out, darling.

I wish you wouldn't do that in here.
We still have a bathroom.

Only just, I imagine.

Gambini sent for me yesterday.

I had to swear you'd pay him
as soon as you got back.

I can't, of course.

It's not that that's worrying me.

You'd better tell me, hadn't you, Derek?

Hmm. No, I'd better not.

But if you know how to raise about 300
like lightning and with no security,

now is the time to tell me how it's done.

No, uh, diamond necklaces
tucked away anywhere?

Don't be silly. Everything I had
that was worth selling has gone.

Mm.

Anybody new in the pub?

Yes. A man called Bird,
who rather likes me.

Though he makes me feel uncomfortable.
I can't think why.

- Rich type?
- Could be.

It's hard to say. I can't make him out.

- Well, a bird in the hand...
- Not funny.

Perhaps not. But if you knew
as much as I do, pretty heroic.

Oh, well. I'll have a shot at Wrexham.

If that's no go, I'll have a last try
at one or two old comrades in town.

Nice people we're turning into.

Squadron Leader Derek Rockingham, D.F.C.

Sheila, only daughter of Admiral Brenton.

- And now, look at us!
- Now listen, poppet...

- I won't.
- Oh, yes, you will.

Well, I'm sorry, madam, but it's
a strict rule with the management

that no young children are allowed.

I think it's a shame too.

I'd rather have children
and not stay here.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Goodbye.

Nice place you have here.

If you'd like to talk
to your friends about it,

we have a small handbook I could give you.

No, thank you.

As a matter of fact, I was wondering
if a friend of mine was staying here.

Is his name Smith or Robinson?

Smart girl, aren't you?

- Ministry of Food?
- Good Lord, no. Do I look like a snooper?

- Yes, I think you do, rather.
- Well, I'm not.

But as a favour...
purely as a favour, mind you,

would you allow me to glance
through your register?

If you want any information,
you'd better ask the manager, Mr Gambini.

Gambini, eh? Not perhaps what I want.

- What about you?
- It's no good.

Don't know enough about
the customers and don't care.

Just waiting for a young man
in Kenya to send for me.

Oh, I see. Well, good luck.

There's a Mrs Poole here, is there?

Mrs Poole's the housekeeper.
Do you know her?

I used to know her husband.

I'd like to have a word with her.

Could you, uh, fix it?

Just wait over there,
my dear Holmes, will you?

Of course. But the name's Wilton.

You know, what you did last night
made all the difference to him.

- Didn't it, Joe?
- It did.

And listen, George, old son,
I'd like to do you a favour.

Make you a nice little packet,
if you're interested.

I might be, Joe.

- Oh, Mr Bird.
- Excuse me.

Might be me she's after really. Eh?

- Then again, it might not.
- Come on!

You weren't going out
with those people, were you?

Yes. Putting. Why not?

- Common as dirt.
- So am I.

Perhaps we all are.

You'd better join us.

Oh, all right. But I'd like to
talk to you alone sometime.

- I can give you a quarter of an hour.
- Thanks.

Whh! Mr Holmes.

[whispers] You'll find her at the end
of the landing on the second floor.

Name's on the door.

Much obliged.

Oh, we're not altogether strangers.

Frank and I were in "C" Division
and up at Hendon together.

You've probably heard him mention me.

Yes, I remember.

- But what's it all about anyhow?
- Currency smuggling.

What do you know about this chap Bird?

- Bird?
- Yes.

Well, the smart clothes he wears
are second-hand.

They belonged to Lord Fristover,
who lived at Chanbury in the Midlands.

Two of his shirts were bought
at a shop in Chanbury,

so I think he comes from Chanbury.

Yes, but what's he doing here?

Spending his savings to see life.

Oh, just when I thought I needn't
worry about people any longer,

I had to start worrying about this chump.

Just because he has a helpless look
and I don't know what it means,

I had to start getting upset
and trying to help.

It's idiotic.

I thought you women
liked worrying about somebody.

No, I hate this "you women" stuff.

But if you must know, if we don't worry,
then we feel only half alive

and if we do worry,
then we worry and worry, and...

Oh, I thought I had more sense.

Well, I'm glad you haven't.

Can you tell me anything
about the Rockinghams?

Good-looking, nice clothes,
plenty of charm,

but he can't pay his bill
and might be getting into mischief.

Mm.

Well, I may need your help again
later on. Do you mind?

Not at all. I'll do all I can to help you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

I was wandering whether
you'd like to lend me £250, Wrexham.

The answer is no.

Lovely morning.
I'm always fond of early autumn.

I've, uh, put up one or two blacks lately.
Things are looking pretty nasty.

I'm not surprised.
In fact, I told Sheila yesterday,

you ought to be more careful.

Sheila, eh?

By the way, I wouldn't make any mistake
there, if I were you, Wrexham.

She's still very devoted to me.

Strange but true.

- What about this fellow Bird?
- I shouldn't count on anything there.

Everybody seems impressed except me.

I think he's a counterjumper
who took a lucky dip in a football pool.

Well, he might be worth trying.

I think I'll run up to town first
and see if I can raise anything.

Poor old Derek.

He's rather desperate just now,
poor lamb, trying to raise some money.

- Has he tried everything?
- Yes, absolutely everything.

Even working?

Isn't that rather a beastly remark?

It depends how you feel about work.

I've got a very hot tip on a horse.
Get you tens on it.

All you gotta do is stick on 50 quid,
same as me.

And you're not telling me
anything about it?

Can't, chum, cos I promised.
So, you gotta make up your mind, George.

Either I'm doing you a favour
or I'm playing a con game.

Either you trust me or you don't.

All right, Joe. I trust you.
Put 50 on for me.

That's the talk, Georgie.

I was just stealing
a cutting for my garden.

I always do, wherever I go.

- My mother always did.
- Ah, thank you, Mr Bird.

When my husband, Sir Herbert, was alive,
we kept ten gardeners.

- Fancy.
- Now I've only three.

And I've only one
and he's even older than I am.

Eighty, if a day, the poor old thing.

Mr Bird seems a very unhappy young man.
Have you noticed it?

- I can't say I have.
- Well, I have.

But then they all are now.

They try to be sane in a mad world,

while, when I was a girl,
we tried to be mad in a sane world.

So much more satisfactory,
don't you think?

Hmph!

Been doing some work
on our subsoiler blade, old man.

- Our subsoiler blade?
- Yes. I want you to come in with me.

Take a look at this. There's a proposition
there I think might interest you.

Don't want to rush you, of course,
but look it over as soon as you can.

What are you doing this afternoon?

Playing croquet with Mrs Rockingham,
Miss Hatfield and you.

I've forgotten how to play croquet.

I've never played in my life.

[Chalfont] Good shot, partner!

So, as far as I can see,
Chalfont's offered me a job

that starts at a fat salary,
plus commission.

- That's all.
- Not good enough?

Not good enough? A week ago, I'd...

- Well, what about a week ago?
- [Miss Hatfield] Your turn, Mr Bird.

What do I do now?

[laughs] You put your ball
through that hoop, partner.

Though it's about
a hundred-to-one you can't.

You never know these days.

You've done it!

You're too good for us, Mr Bird.

How do you do it?

Luck. Just luck.

Your go, Mrs Rockingham.

I've had a word from old Kyle.

He's interested in our proposition.

He may be able to help us
with the metal too.

Now, that blade ought to be lighter,
don't you think?

Yes, and thinner,
if you can make it just as strong.

I'm on to that, my dear fellow.

Come along, Mr Chalfont.
Don't stand gossiping there.

No, no, partner. Keen as mustard.

Silly game, this. Make it rain, will you?

Anything to oblige. Rain, please.

Thank you.

- What a horrible cigarette case.
- I'm a horrible man.

Do you know anything about hands?

No.

I have a cousin who specialises in them.

She looks at hands more than faces.

I don't really observe anything very much.

I'm really in a dream half the time.

Pleasant dream?

Not lately.

We were going to talk about me,
weren't we?

Yes.

Well, if you don't mind, I think we won't.

I'm sorry, I don't like your cigarettes.

- They're the cheapest I can find.
- Cheap things are a mistake.

It's a bigger mistake
to buy things you can't afford.

Why do you say things like that to me
and then smile like that?

I'm probably trying to do
everything I can to impress you.

Kiss me.

No?

No.

I'm sorry.
I must still be in love with Derek.

What a nuisance.

Well, say something.

All right, then. Get out of this

and start living a real life somewhere
while there's still time.

I don't think I want to listen to this.

No, but for once you're going to do
something you don't want to do.

And I say start living a real life.
Your last chance may be slipping away.

If you still want your husband, then
take him away and make him into something.

If he isn't worth it, then clear out
yourself, before it's too late.

- Mind your own damn business.
- Certainly.

I only wish someone had talked to me
like that ten years ago, five years ago.

- I'm going.
- You'll get wet.

I don't care if I drown!

[angry Scotsman] I would never live
with this trash about the place!

- [banging]
- Look at it yourself!

There's no honest workmanship in that!

Might as well have asked
a couple of schoolgirls to do the job

with cardboard and a poke of tin tacks.

Please, Sir Robert, I tell you,
I ask for the best workmen,

the best material, especially for you.

A laddie with a wee fretwork set
could have done better.

I don't know what the country's
coming to when the likes of that

passes for a job of work. Huh!

Man, Gambini, they may swindle you,

but they won't get away with that
while I'm about the place.

I say.

Well, my dear sir,
and what might you be wanting?

Let me know if you're going
right through that wall

because I happen to live
on the other side.

I asked for some alterations
to be made here.

I know, I heard about them.

Well, look what they've given me.

That's what you get nowadays.

Not a decent tradesman left.

Just fellas hanging around,
waiting for cups of tea.

Now, be fair. Look at the rotten stuff
these chaps had to use.

- What's your name, sir?
- Bird.

And you're Sir Robert Kyle.
I've heard of you.

Very likely. But let me tell you

that I was working on the Clyde with
these two hands before you were born.

Maybe, but you had
good stuff to work with.

- Aye, I did.
- And these chaps hadn't.

They had to take what they could get.

We've had two world wars
and some nasty knocks

since you worked
with your hands, Sir Robert.

Hello, hello! Welcome back, Sir Robert.

Hello, Bird. You've got a fierce look
in your eye. You two been quarrelling?

Not at all. Eh, Mr Bird?

Certainly not. Just a little argument.

[Chalfont chuckles]

I tell you, Mr Bird,

I am very grateful for this way
you talk to Sir Robert Kyle.

To everyone who come here I say it is
very nice to have them staying with us,

but that is one big lie.

But with you is honest truth, Mr Bird.

And all of the time you remind me
of my dear brother.

- There's something about you, Mr Bird.
- Really?

And where is your brother now,
Mr Gambini?

He's dead, my brother.

- Get wet this afternoon?
- A bit.

Me and Daisy got properly soaked.

Got a nice bit of news for you,
Georgie boy.

It all comes of trusting a bloke
with a mug like mine.

I couldn't get us tens on that horse,
I got eights.

She romped home. Left 'em
standing like I was told she would.

Your share's 400 quid.

400 quid?

You'll have it in the morning, old son.

But that's no reason why we don't
celebrate tonight. See you in the bar, eh?

[tango music plays]

I'm holding up the dinner, sir,
because they're all in the bar,

which is like Klondike
in the Gold Rush this night.

Some nights they all drink like fishes.
Other nights nobody drinks.

And why this should be,
I cannot tell and you cannot tell.

This'll be a great night for getting rid
of a few portions of the old game pie,

which has been weighing upon us
like the sorrows of the world.

My friend, of some things
it is better not to speak.

I shall eat a little soup
and cold chicken in my room

and try to listen to
La Scala di Milano on the radio.

Come on, everybody, drink up!

Laugh and be happy!

This is my lucky day and you're all in it.

Him and his lucky days.

And these are ten bob a time too, George.

[slurred] They're not worth it, Daisy.

Your friend Bird keeps
giving you some queer looks.

Can't understand how
he takes everybody in.

Can't you? I think he's rather sweet.

Probably won a few hundreds
in a football pool

and everybody thinks he's somebody
mysterious and wonderful.

- Eh, Sheila?
- I don't know and I don't care.

I'm worried about Derek. Excuse me.

[laughter]

I'm sorry, sir, but don't forget
the Pinebourne Club.

Oh, ring up and tell 'em
I'll be a few minutes late.

Delayed by urgent business.

Never does any harm, eh, Sir Robert?

No, not when they won't vote for you
anyway and they won't, you know.

My husband, Sir Herbert,
always said champagne cocktails

did you more harm than good.

[slurred] Nonsense!

What did you say?!

I said nonsense, Lady Os... Oswington.

Absolute nonsense.

Oi, chum, join in. Don't be shy!

Try one of these.

Oh, right-oh, chum.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Enjoying yourself, George?

No, can't really say I am, Daisy.

And it's about time I started.

Joe'll want you to play poker tonight.

Always does, the old piecan.

And you'll have to play too, George,
or Joe'll be put out.

Cards.

I'll have three cards, please.

- One, two, three.
- Thank you.

- One.
- One for you, two for me.

I'll check the bet.

Ten.

All right, Georgie. Ten, and another ten.

Mmm. I'm away.

Ten...

and 20 more.

Ooh.

Well...

All right, Georgie, what have you got?

- Heavens! A royal flush!
- [Joe chuckles] Oh, dear.

Look at that, I had a bloody full house.

All right, gents, that's penalties.
Another two pound each.

- Another two pounds.
- [Kyle] You're a very lucky man, Mr Bird.

Yeah, it's your lucky day.
How do you do it, boy?

I don't know, Joe. I just don't know.

- Must we go on?
- Of course we must. Eh, boys?

Can't stop when you're winning,
Bird, old boy.

- All right. Whose deal is it?
- My deal.

You'll have to get
a wheelbarrow for this lot.

I'm sorry, Sheila.
It's just as bad as it can be.

We've had it.

What do you mean? What's happened?

Something's gone wrong.
There's been a leak somewhere.

Binney's in a flap. Says our only
chance is for him to clear out.

He's broke too, and...

Hold it. We've got company.

- Mr Rockingham?
- That's me.

But I've had a long day
and I don't feel like a cheery chat.

I'll try not to keep it too long.
Just a few questions.

Perhaps you'd like to leave us.

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

Mr Rockingham,
yesterday you were in Paris.

I was.

Last week, on the 9th to be exact,
you were in Brussels.

On the 3rd, you crossed to the Hook.

A few days before that
you were also in Paris.

I daresay.

Not quite sure about the dates,
but that's more or less right, I imagine.

- Fond of travel, aren't you?
- No. Not this kind, anyhow.

But you see, Inspector, I need a job.

I see.

Know a man called Binney?

Yes, slightly. Used to run into him
here and there.

Not lately, though.

- Not lately, eh?
- That's what I said.

What I say is that you were having
a drink with him this afternoon

at a quarter to three
in the Regent bar.

Well, what if I was?

- Derek.
- It's all right, Mrs Rockingham.

While your husband's thinking it over
I'll talk to you.

We believe that Binney
and one or two others have started

a currency smuggling racket.

It looks as if your husband's
been giving them some help.

And don't imagine this currency smuggling

is like trying to slip a few pairs
of stockings past the Customs.

It's not. It's a dirty game.

Talk to me.
My wife knows nothing about this.

There is something to know then?

Look, you've got a first-class war record.

You can leave that out.

They seem to, anyhow, when
the jobs are going. Don't forget that.

I've got a job.

Supposed to be good where I come from
and it took me 15 years to work up to it.

But I couldn't afford to have a whisky
and soda and sandwiches in this hotel.

I can't either.

No, and I don't think that's so funny
because I know you can't.

But I'd rather go and dig ditches
than do what you're doing,

trying to make easy money
stooging for rats like Binney.

Like to tell me anything?

All right. I'll see you in the morning.

Think it over.

- Goodnight, Mrs Rockingham.
- Goodnight.

Derek, how could you?

I know. I've been a stupid ape.
But there's no time for all that.

If only I could find a way of paying
the bill, we'd leave right now.

- If I get 100 quid to Binney by morning...
- Oh, if, if, if!

What's the good of talking that way?

Isn't there anybody here
who would give us a break?

If there isn't, I'm for it.

I must phone a fellow
and let him know what's happening.

May take time though.

Going upstairs?

No, I couldn't.

I'm going outside. I must think.

- Goodnight. Thanks for the game.
- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, sir.

Goodnight, Mrs Clarence.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Goodnight.

Sleep well! [chuckles]

Ooh, there's a nice little packet,
isn't it?

Listen, George, old cock,
I'd like to talk some business.

Now, look...

I've got six fish restaurants, three
fun arcades and two holiday camps

and I'm starting two more.

Why don't you come in with me, Georgie?
You and me could get on.

You're one of those lucky boys.
I spotted it right off.

You don't have to put any money up,
but you can if you like.

Thanks, Joe...

but it's no use.

I have to go away soon.

Must you go?

- Looks like it.
- Long way?

A long way, Joe.

And I'm sorry,
but I shan't be coming back.

What's the matter, old son?

Nothing.

Feel a bit muzzy.

I'll go outside and get some fresh air.

- Goodnight, Georgie.
- Goodnight, Daisy.

Thanks for the game.

- Oh, it's you.
- Yes, it's me.

It would have to be you, wouldn't it?

Needn't be.

I can go.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

You're the one person here
who would probably help us.

We're in a terrible mess.

But after the way
I behaved this afternoon,

you're the one person
I feel I oughtn't to ask.

I don't agree.

I gave you some advice, unasked for,

and people who give advice should
be prepared to give some help too.

What do I do?

Derek needs about £100.

At once, it's desperately urgent.

Then we must pay our bill here.

There's about a hundred here.

I'll look after the bill in the morning.

- But can you...
- Yes, I can.

I must have known from the first
somehow you were going to save us.

There was always something about you.

Yes, but it's urgent.

Rockingham. Derek Rockingham.

Oh, very well!

Derek!

Darling, it's all right.
Our troubles are over.

George has just lent us the money.

And he'll pay our hotel bill tomorrow.

My dear chap, this is terrific.

Are you sure you can spare it?

God knows when I'll be
able to pay you back.

I'm not expecting to be paid back.

Oh, no, I say, this is
one time when I really...

Well...

I mean, you have to find a man
to pay him back.

And I'll be hard to find.
Goodnight. Good luck.

Oh, but...
What about a drink or something?

No, thanks.

Goodnight.

Rum bloke.

Darling, you're shivering.

Let's go in.

[Mrs Poole]
Thought you'd still be playing poker.

Winning too, weren't you?

How do you know?

Well, the waiter who brought your drinks

wasn't exactly blind,
deaf and dumb, you know.

What'd you do with the winnings?

Give them away?

Yes.

Sheila Rockingham.

I'll bet she wheedled them out of you.

Have you got to be so hard all the time?

Yes, and don't start pawing me about
just because you've had a few drinks.

It wasn't like that.

I can see now you're the sort of woman
a chap would like to take hold of,

but it wasn't like that.

What was it like then?

It's late.

I feel miserable.

Not close to anyone.

On my own, if you know what I mean.

Oh, no, I wouldn't know what you meant.

And I suddenly thought
you were the one I knew best.

Well, I'm sorry I spoke like that to you.

It's all right.

No, it isn't all right.

And nothing's all right about you,
churning my feelings up like this.

Why don't you get away from here?
Go away and make yourself into something.

Because I don't know how to make myself
into something in the graveyard.

[husky voice]
You aren't leaving, are you?

Yes. At least I think so.

- Well, nobody told me.
- I haven't told anybody yet.

Going home?

No.

- Going to some other hotel?
- I don't know.

- What are the other hotels here?
- The biggest is the Grand.

Posh?

Posh-ish. Much bigger than this.

Dancing there.

Well, I'll go and see
what they can do for me.

Now you pop off, Maggie.

What's the matter with everybody
this morning?

All creating.

That Miss Fox crying because
Lady Whosit's gone and sacked her.

Fair old stinker.

Maggie, ask Miss Fox if she could
come and have a word with me here.

Okey-dokey.

- [knocking]
- Come in.

- Oh, Mr Bird, it's so good of you.
- I haven't done anything yet.

Miss Fox, is it true
Lady Oswington's dismissed you?

After five years
as her companion, Mr Bird.

It was all so sudden and so...

so... so brutal.

Just because of last night.

What will you do now, Miss Fox?

I don't know, I'm sure, Mr Bird.

What would you like to do,
if you could do it?

Sometimes my cousin and I have talked
about opening a little gift shop.

Gifte Shoppe, I think we'd call it.

You know, just a quaint,
friendly little place.

But though she has
a little money of her own,

I'm afraid I haven't any.

How much would you want to start it?

Oh, a lot, Mr Bird.

Two hundred pounds.

I'll give you two hundred pounds.

Oh, no, Mr Bird. You're very kind, but...

I really couldn't accept such...

I'll lend it to you then.

You can pay it back sometime,
though it doesn't matter.

Oh, Mr Bird, but could you really?

[Lady Oswington] Miss Fox! Miss Fox!

This is your chance. Take it.

Miss Fox, where are you?

Don't answer. Or tell her to go to blazes.

Miss Fox, where are you?

I'm here, Lady Oswington.

Miss Fox, just this once
I'll overlook your 'orrible behaviour.

- Oh, thank you, Lady Oswington.
- But never again, mind.

Oh, yes, Lady Oswington.
I quite understand.

Well, I don't. I'd rather have anything,

even a Gifte Shoppe.

I wasn't aware that anybody asked
for your opinion, Mr Bird.

Come along, Miss Fox. I don't know
what Sir Herbert would have thought.

[imitates Lady Oswington]
I'd better ask Sir Herbert when I see him.

It shouldn't be long now.

Oi! Anybody there?

You're wasting your breath, chum.

- I pulled 'em all out.
- Pulled who out?

Cooks, waiters, chambermaids,
receptionists. The whole issue. On strike.

Got a light?

Yes, they're all out. Neat job.

Came down from Amalgamated Unions
yesterday, pulled them all out

and now you couldn't get
a glass of hot water anywhere.

- You staying in Pinebourne?
- I'm at the Regal.

- Thought of coming here.
- Regal, eh?

I'm pulling them out after tea.

Twelve-hour sympathetic strike.

You won't get a sausage
anywhere tonight, chum.

Well, I'm a busy man. Cheerio.

Cheerio.

[man laughs]

I've just left a 15-stone woman
who'll get no food for the next 24 hours.

That'll do her more good than I can.

Can I give you a lift?
I've got a car outside.

Oh, thanks very much.

- Tried to golf here yet?
- No, I don't play golf.

You don't, eh? What do you do then?

Oh, just live for pleasure.

I hope you don't mind me
asking you, Doctor,

but can you tell me anything
about Lampington's disease?

Shouldn't have thought you'd heard
of that. Very rare, you know.

Of course,
old Trevor Lampington's still alive,

but you don't hear
very much about him these days.

Lampington. Sir Trevor Lampington.

Oh, yes, Sir Trevor. We're expecting you.

If you wouldn't mind signing the register.

Page, room 10.

I'm here to spend the night
with my old friend Sir Robert Kyle.

Really, Sir Trevor? Thank you.

Mmm. Quite a handsome young woman.

Thank you, Sir Trevor.

But you'll have to watch those kidneys.

Sir Trevor, it's a very great pleasure
to have you staying with us.

Indeed? Who are you?

I'm Gambini, the manager of this hotel.

Sir Robert has told me of you

and I arranged to make for you tonight
a very special, nice dinner.

Oh? What would that be?

Some nice hors d'oeuvres,
a little smoked salmon, some hot lobster.

Poison!

All you will make for me would be a very
special, nice bowl of bread and milk.

Oi!

I'm just warning you, chum. If you give
him this special, nice dinner tonight,

you'll have to cook it
and serve it yourself.

I don't know you. I don't talk to you.

Union member?

Yes.

Twelve-hour sympathetic strike.
Starts at five this afternoon.

You pass the word around the rest of you
in front and I'll go round the kitchens.

I'm pulling everybody out.

All right, Napoleon, when do we take Asia?

Mrs Rockingham.

Oh, bless you for this.
You'll never know what it means to me.

I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

- What are you doing?
- I've stopped it.

Just to talk to you quietly for a minute.

You see, I couldn't thank you
properly last night.

- Oh, that's all right.
- No, it isn't.

I've been a pig.

- [buzzing]
- And you're heaven.

[buzzing]

[banging and buzzing]

- [buzzing]
- Ringing for the lift?

- Looks like it, doesn't it?
- Haven't seen Mr Bird anywhere, have you?

I haven't seen Bird,
and I don't want to see Bird.

I'm tired of all this fuss
you people are making about Bird.

I'm so sorry. I can't think
what can have happened.

Not very efficient, is it,
for a place of this kind?

Some of us are still busy men, even
if we are supposed to be recuperating.

And some of us have to keep on
being busy even without recuperating.

Oh, it's coming up now.

Ah, Mr Bird!

See you later. In a hurry now.

Mr Bird, you were complaining
about your window rattling.

- Oh, was I?
- So I understood.

And I've brought you some wedges.

This afternoon then?

- What's all this about the window?
- Oh, shut up.

I must have an excuse to talk to you,
and the laundress is in the linen room.

Well, Mr Bird, I'm afraid there's only
one thing I can do about these windows

and that's to wedge them,
so I've brought some wedges.

I see.

Thanks very much, Mrs Poole.

I wanted to give you a chance to
explain what you said last night.

You upset me terribly.

- I didn't sleep a wink.
- Sorry. I...

I wouldn't take any notice of that.

I didn't mean to be angry with you.
I'm so sorry.

But there was no need
to talk about graveyards.

Don't take any notice of that.
I just got carried away.

Well, I think that's better.
Don't you, Mr Bird?

What? Oh, I think so, Mrs Poole,
so long as it doesn't rattle, of course.

I don't understand you.

What is the matter with you?

I'll tell you what's the matter with me.

For years... years...

nothing happened. I couldn't get anywhere.
Then I come here...

win £400 on a horse I've never heard of,

win over a hundred at poker,
get offered big, fancy jobs,

shares in subsoilers, run holiday camps,

- and none of it's any good to me.
- Oh, shh, be quiet.

And when I try to tell somebody about it,

I have to pretend
that a window's rattling.

No, please, be quiet.
Look, I've got the afternoon off

and we could go out together
and you can tell me properly.

I can't this afternoon.

I promised to go a walk.

With that Rockingham girl?

Yes.

Then you're even sillier
than I thought you were.

Now, Mr Bird, that ought to be all right.

[glass shatters]

[clock chimes]

[piano trio play classical music]

Waiter!

I'll have another cake.

Have 'em all, ma'am.

[whistles]

- Waiter.
- Waiter!

W-W-Waiter.

[snores]

Waiter?

I want somebody to help
Williamson with his plan

for the National Agricultural
Machinery Board.

- You do?
- I do.

Unless I can find someone at once,

Pennington will push one of his
backroom boys in, as usual.

- And we've had enough of that.
- Pennington?

Mm-hm. This might look good too,
promoting a practical man like yourself.

One of the people
who've been doing the job.

You mean...

I mean, I'm offering you an appointment on
the National Agricultural Machinery Board.

Sorry. Can't take it.

- Did you ring for some more tea, Prescott?
- Yes, Minister, but I'll ring again.

This isn't a political appointment,
Mr Bird.

You'll notice that I haven't asked
your opinion of us as a government, eh?

- No, you haven't, have you?
- But I can tell you this, Mr Bird,

we're the only people who could keep
this country going at the present time.

If it wasn't for us and the confidence
of the people in our policy,

you'd have rising prices, industrial
disputes, strikes all over the place.

- What about that tea, Prescott?
- Oh, I've just remembered.

You won't get any more tea.

They all went on strike at five o'clock.
Excuse me.

Go on, speak to them.

- Shall I?
- Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr Bird will now say a few words.

- Mr Bird.
- [Chalfont] Bravo, Bird!

I only wanted to say that...

if we've nobody to look after us tonight,
then we'd better look after ourselves.

Won't do us any harm.

So let's get together and
divide the jobs between us.

Good old George, I'll run the bar.

Oh, no, you won't. You and your bar.

If I get some help in the kitchen, then
tonight I, Gambini, will cook the dinner.

There you are. It's all fixed.

Then I put it into casserole.

Put in the onions and fry the bacon.

Some... herbs.

Pieces of rabbit.

And let it simmer
three-quarters of an hour.

And then I put it potatoes,
two glasses of white wine.

Again it simmers.
Then I put in the seasoning.

And then lapin en gibelotte.

Just good cooking
and you will say it is wonderful.

Everybody hard at it, eh?

Splendid. Splendid. That's the spirit, eh?

[laughs]

Yep, too many blinking knives and forks
in this caper, if you ask me.

All goes down the same way too, don't it?

Still, when you gotta lay 'em out
like this, it makes you think.

It's all gotta be washed up too.

Oh, tables being laid.
All pulling together, eh?

That's the spirit. Great show.
All pulling together.

[laughs]

That's right. All pulling together.

What's he pulling, except faces?

Next time I'm gonna be one of them blokes.

"Great show. That's the spirit! Ha-ha-ha!"

Terrible amount of waste labour
in this sort of thing.

Oughtn't to be difficult to invent
a mechanical loading device.

I'm sure I look nicer
than a mechanical loading device.

- That's enough, Mr Chalfont.
- Oh, I think it is.

Everyone in full production, Bird?

All but a few, who will turn up
for dinner though.

I almost feel like kissing you again.

Hasn't anybody ever said that
to you before?

No. Never.

Poor darling. But why?
What have you been doing all your life?

I don't know. Just getting up, working,

reading the paper, smoking, going to bed.

Like millions of other chaps.
You'd be surprised.

I'm surprised what girls go and miss.

Now, that's enough.

Go on. Scoot.

Regal Hotel.

Speak up. Don't mumble.

Do we what?

Of course we take young children.

What are their names?

Oh, but how sweet. Especially Dulcibella.

I had a cousin or, rather,
a second cousin,

one of the Northumberland Blackmores.

She was a Dulcibella.

She ran away with a Greek sea captain.
I can't imagine why.

Noise? Why shouldn't
young children make noise?

And if I'm here I'll make
a noise with them. Goodbye!

Good afternoon. Do you want a room here?

No. I've got a room here.

What are you doing here?

Answering the telephone.

What do you think I'm doing,
riding a bicycle?

Oh, it's monstrous.
You're much too old to be doing such work.

And you're too old to stand
there talking nonsense.

Now, run away and make yourself useful.

Silly old duffer.

Time we had a wet,
even if we have to serve ourselves.

- Good evening, gentlemen. Come in.
- [George and Joe laugh]

The bar's open.

Turned a bit colder, hasn't it?

Don't breathe on those glasses!

Most people crumble the bread
into the milk.

And in this, as in so many other matters,
most people are wrong.

The pieces of bread -
not too large, not too small -

should be placed in the bowl

and the milk poured over the bread.

A pinch of sugar is added.

And then what have you got?

A poor basin of slops
instead of a good dinner.

[applause]

Aye, a good dinner.

A capital dinner,
thanks to our friend Gambini.

Hear! Hear!

Aye, and to whoever it was among us
who had the splendid notion

that instead of sitting down and girning
we should all turn to and help ourselves.

- Hear! Hear!
- [applause]

Well, I think we've all shown
the proper spirit, pulling together.

Oh, no, you don't. Bird arranged all this.
Come on, Georgie boy.

Up you come. You're the boy we want.
[chuckles]

Oh, our friend Mr Bird, was it?

Then I call upon him for a few remarks.

Thanks very much.

I think several of us
had the same idea at the same time,

so I don't deserve any special thanks,

though I'd like to say this.

I don't know why most of you came here,
but I know I came here to enjoy myself.

It was a sort of last chance.

Somehow I didn't enjoy myself,
not until tonight.

But tonight's been different.

I don't mean to say
we'd like it every night.

No, and don't forget, Georgie boy,
we still gotta do the washing up!

[laughter]

But we haven't just
passed the time, we've...

filled it with something good.

And there's a lot to be said for that

because we don't know how
much time we have left, do we?

No, uh...

all I wanted to say was...

don't thank me.

Let me thank you...

all of you.

Tonight you gave...

If you're interested,
Sir Robert, it's all set.

I can design a new subsoiler for you.

And my group can manufacture them.

But they've still got to be marketed
by a man that knows the business.

And there's the man. He started me on the
idea and he's the man to sell the result.

What do you say to that, Mr Bird, eh?

Much obliged,
but it's no use bothering about me.

You're just wasting your time.

I must say I'm surprised
and disappointed in you, Mr Bird.

I have to say the same, old man.
It's a wonderful idea

- and you'll have nothing to do with it.
- Aye.

It's a great chance to benefit
not only yourself and us,

but the whole nation.

But you're like so many others nowadays -
you'd rather idle and amuse yourself.

So you won't take it, eh?

- It's not that I won't. I can't.
- Ahh!

In my young days, my dear young man,

there was no such word as
"can't" in my vocabulary.

Oh, what's the use?

Look, I can't take this job or any
of the other jobs I've been offered

because quite soon I'm going to die.

You're what?!

Die. Pass on.

- Kick the bucket.
- But...

For years and years, I go on and on,
and nobody offers me a sausage.

Then when I'm going to die,
I come here and everybody offers me

everything on a plate.

Money.

Travel.

Jobs. Influence.

Love and kisses.

Just because I'm going to die.

One moment, my friend.

What might you be going to die of?

You look healthy enough to me.

If you must know,
I'm going to die of Lampington's disease.

Lampington's disease?!

Do you know who you're talking to?

Uh, Sir...

Sir Trevor Lampington,

who discovered Lampington's disease.

And if you've got Lampington's disease,

I'm in the Sadler's Wells Ballet.

Are you quite sure?

Look here, I'll give £5,000
to any hospital that can prove to me

that you're suffering
from Lampington's disease.

[dramatic music]

Mrs Poole! Mrs Poole!

Shh! Don't make such a noise!

It's all been a mistake!

I'm not going to die!

- Nice morning,
- Beautiful morning.

Can I speak to Mr Clarence
from here, please?

Twenty-five. Mr Bird to speak
to Mr Clarence, please.

- You look different, Mr Bird.
- I am. I'm happy.

Well, don't be too happy.

There's a something somewhere
that doesn't like it and interferes.

- Nonsense.
- Here he is.

Joe, something tremendous has happened.

I must get back to Chanbury
for an hour or so

and I wondered if I could borrow
your car for the day.

Then I could be back here by teatime.

Oh, bless you.

And you.

The tank's nearly full.
What time will you be back?

Not later than six,
even if I take it easy.

- Starter's down there. Gears on the right.
- [engine starts]

Well, seems a bit nippy.

- I'll say so long, eh, George?
- Thanks, Joe.

- See you tonight, old son?
- That's right!

Hello. Came down with the milk.

- I say, you're not leaving us, are you?
- Only for the day.

Good. See you tonight then.

I fixed everything, thanks to you, Bird.
I won't forget it.

You pop up and see Sheila. I must go.

All right, driver.

Bye-bye.

Oh, your call to Chanbury, Sir Trevor.
Will you take it in the box?

Thank you.

Is that Dr Pevensey?

Yes, I gather you're a busy man.

In fact, so busy
that it's just about 50-to-1

that somebody there's been looking
at the wrong set of X-ray plates.

This is Lampington. Sir Trevor Lampington.

- I told Bird it was thanks to him.
- You don't have to tell me that.

- What happened in town?
- Oh, Binney's cleared out.

Got a quick passage somewhere
with what I gave him.

It's all right now.
Nothing further to worry about.

Yes, there is.

Didn't Bird pay the bill after all?

Yes. That's not what I mean, Derek.

This is the last time.

Either we pay our way and go straight,
or... or I'm through.

I love you.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

But if you want me to stay with you,

there must be no more
of this sponging and dodging and lying.

I promise.

Though I may need a little help.

- I'll do my best.
- We could leave here today.

No.

Tomorrow.

I want to see Bird again, just once.

I want him to feel
that what he did wasn't useless.

Good girl.

[train rattles past]

Lovely day for the road.

That's right, Cecil. It's a lovely day.

I'd like to take a lovely lorry out
on a lovely day like this.

Go on, enjoy yourself, Cecil.

That's just what I intend to do, Noel.

There's no doubt about it.
The old dinosaur was quite right.

I must have been looking
at the wrong set of plates.

I remember now, Doctor, there was another
man who looked terribly ill, called, uh...

Burden.

Oh!

The chap who was so indignant when I told
him there was nothing the matter with him.

Those must have been Bird's plates.

After what I told Bird,
I believe he sold up and cleared out.

- Probably a good thing for us he did.
- Well, that's something.

About the last man I'd like to see
walking in here.

Come along. Let's get on. Who's next?

Next, please.

- Well?
- Quite well, thank you.

And Bird is the name.

And Bird is his name
and he's not rich at all?

No, just like us.

Now do you understand, Joe?

Poor George thought he had
only a few weeks more to live.

So he couldn't start anything,
couldn't take a job.

That's right,
and I nearly guessed it last night,

when something he said
made me want to cry.

As I said to Miss Fox,
he reminds me of Sir Herbert's cousin,

the one that went to Australia
and died there in no time.

Yes, but our nice Mr Bird isn't
going to die, which is splendid.

I really think we ought to do
something about it.

Aye.

- Can't see what the fuss is about.
- I'll bet you can't.

Fellow was exactly what I said he was,

except some fool of a doctor
made a mistake about him.

Only told him he was booked
for the cemetery, that's all.

If he thought he was going to die,
what'd he come here for?

Cos he wanted to finish up
with a bit of posh life.

That's right, isn't it, Mrs Poole?

You girls get on with your work
and never mind about Mr Bird.

But somebody ought to have
guessed it from the first.

I knew there was something.

There is only one thing to do,
ladies and gentlemen.

Mr Bird, who I like very much
from the beginning, he come here to die

and now he live, which is
a very romantic story, very nice.

So tonight I give for him
a very special dinner

in the small dining room
for his friends here

and we say how much we like him
and we drink his health.

[Joe] That's the talk, Gambi boy!

- Afternoon.
- Afternoon, Fred.

- Taking him up the vet's?
- That's right, Fred. Having him put away.

Poor old sausage.

Might as well.
He don't enjoy life no longer.

All right, Perce, get down then.

Have a last sniff round.

- What's this I hear about your friend?
- Who do you mean, Fred?

[tyres squealing]

I'm sorry we have to wait so long.

Well, Gambini, this may be Bird's dinner,
but it happens also to be my dinner

and I'm tired waiting for it,
so I think we'll just sit down, eh?

I must say, I agree with Sir Robert.
Ought to make a start.

- Aye, no right to keep us waiting.
- None at all.

[Gambini] Well, of course.
Then please, we sit down.

As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to
think the whole thing's rather absurd.

- You mean this dinner?
- Yes, all this fuss about Bird.

A doctor made a mistake, that's all.
So what?

The Regal Hotel...

[softly] Pine...

Pinebourne.

Tell them.

And give my love to...

my love to...

Give my love to them all.

Funny thing.

Thought I was going to die.

Right after all.

Just had to happen.

But it's all right, you know.

Not bad at all.

Good thing, really.

Not bad.

Good.

Well, I do think he might have turned up.

- He's got your car too, hasn't he?
- Yes.

I suppose it's all right
going off in somebody else's car.

But I know Sir Herbert
wouldn't have had it.

I'm thinking it may be just possible
that we're making fools of ourselves.

Oh, well, no harm done, really, eh?

- Oh, no, he's nice, Mr Bird.
- But he did rush us a bit, you know.

I talked to him about a job, but there was
no proof that he could have managed it.

- No proof.
- Chalfont.

I'm beginning to think
the very same thing.

You were a wee bit overhasty.

But he seemed to have something
special about him, George did.

Might have been cos he was feeling he was
for the long jump soon. Know what I mean?

I believe that's just it, Mr Clarence.

Now, of course, it's different.
He's just like the rest of us.

Seemed to me a commonplace sort of chap
and not above throwing his weight about.

But he never pretended
to be anything else.

He was always quite frank about that.

He was...

What?

I don't know. I... I'm all mixed up.

Let's talk about something else.

[telephone rings]

Regal Hotel, Pinebourne.

Yes?

Yes?

Bird? Yes, he was...

What?

Mrs Poole speaking.

Oh...

Yes, all right.

I'll tell them.

As you know, it was at this stage
of our convivial proceedings

that we'd planned
a very enthusiastic toast.

- Well, I think we still ought to have it.
- Hear! Hear!

But with one little modification.

As our friend Bird has not condescended
to appear at this dinner,

we're doing without him.

- In my humble opinion, doing very well.
- [laughter]

And we can still drink a toast,
a toast to ourselves.

And why not, ladies and gentlemen?

A doctor made a mistake.
Well, that's that.

But like Mr Bird, who's probably
back in that sphere of life

that he perhaps adorns more
gracefully than he did this one,

we're all alive too,

alive and kicking too!

Perhaps in some ways rather more than he!

[laughter]

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

I think you'd like to know,
Mr Bird is dead.

[violin plays sad tune]

[orchestral accompaniment plays]