Last Foxtrot in Burbank (1973) - full transcript
In this shot-for-shot spoof remake of Brando's The Last Tango in Paris, American in fictional city of Burbank, France called Paul is grieving over the suicide of his drag queen wife, who may or may not have actually been his gay lover. Paul meets beautiful Frenchwoman named Maria (in-joke reference to Maria Schneider, the female star of The Last Tango in Paris) and pretends to be a god's gift to women in an attempt to seduce her. However, she proves to be much less impressed with him than Schneider was with Brando, a fact that even Paul points out in a throwaway meta-jokey line. There were two versions of this sex comedy, one with and one without the hardcore insert shots. The movie is considered lost and both director Charles Band and editor-turned-director John Carpenter disassociated themselves from it.
- Hi, I'm Charles Band and I
thought a little explanation
about the history of "The
Last Foxtrot in Burbank"
is in order.
I think a lot of you probably
don't know I made this movie
as I tried to erase
it over the years.
But a lot of the story
is actually in my book,
"Confessions of a Puppetmaster,"
so I figured, well, in
case you're watching
"The Last Foxtrot in Burbank,"
you should hear the story
a bit before you roll film.
So it was the early
70s, I was 22.
We had come back to the
United States from Europe.
We grew up in Italy and
my dad fell on hard times.
He made a lot of movies
in the 60s up to 70, 71.
Then things didn't
work out for him
so he came back with no money,
but, you know, I grew
up on a movie set
so I kind of knew
that part of it
and I was dying to make
my first horror movie.
That's all I wanted to do
was make a horror movie
and I became very
friendly with a fellow
named Frank Ray Perilli.
Frankie Ray at the time
was a pretty well known
exploitation script writer.
He had movies out like
"The Doberman Gang,"
a bunch of Doberman
Pinchers that robbed a bank.
And he was also Lenny Bruce's
partner for many years.
His whole background
was burlesque
and he was a stand up comedian.
And I just loved the guy.
He was my kind of bizarre
guide into Hollywood,
having not grown up here.
I grew up in Rome.
So here I am, a
young kid sort of
being brought around
town by Frankie.
At that time, he
was probably 50.
And he was definitely
an amazing guy
and full of funny stories.
And he knew how badly
I wanted to make
my first horror movie,
but I had zero money.
Anyway, somehow, because I've
been pretty entrepreneurial,
I invented a gift item business
and that's in the book.
I don't wanna bore
you with it now.
But I got very lucky and this
business I sort of invented
took off and suddenly
I made a ton of money.
I mean, relative to the times,
and I had just enough money
to make my first film.
And I had a number of
different horror ideas in mind,
different stories, but Frankie,
who was very convincing
and I loved the guy,
he goes, "You know, Charlie,
there's a movie coming
out in about a month.
It's called 'The Last Tango
in Paris' with Marlon Brando.
It's gonna be a huge hit.
Instead of making this
horror movie thing,
why don't you put
that to the side?
Let's make like a send up,
you know, like a comedy
of sort of making fun of
'Last Tango in Paris.'
I got this fellow,
he's an actor, he's
named Michael Pataki.
He does a great
Brando impression.
Let's make 'The Last
Foxtrot in Burbank.'"
And I'm thinking, oh my God,
sounds like a terrible idea.
But he convinced me
somehow to make this movie,
you know, which was not the plan
and not what I wanted
to do, but, you know,
he was, again, so charming
and his ideas were so funny,
at least as we talked about
'em over too much wine.
I thought, you know, maybe
we can make this comedy,
this satire called "The
Last Foxtrot in Burbank,"
and in fact, Michael Pataki
did a fantastic Brando.
So I would say that
if you're gonna watch
"Last Foxtrot in Burbank,"
you may wanna see
"Last Tango in Paris"
'cause pretty much
scene for scene,
we're making fun of a movie
and if you don't
have the reference,
if you've not seen "Last Tango,"
this movie will be even
more absurdly ridiculous.
So I decided to make
it and we got busy
doing all the things
I was yearning to do
but for the wrong movie.
So what happened was
we shot the movie.
I kind of had this
marketing thing going on.
Another fellow at
the time convinced me
the only way to make money
is to take the movie out
and four wall it, means
rent the movie theater
or theaters plural and screen
it and collect the money
and you could make a
lot of money that way
and do a premiere in Hollywood.
So, you know, here I was,
I already made the movie,
we were finishing it
and I was convinced
to basically spend more money
on a fancy Hollywood premiere
and invite people
and klieg lights
and make a big deal out of
"The Last Foxtrot in Burbank."
So I rented two theaters.
They were some of
the best theaters
in town at the time,
Pacific Theatres.
One in Hollywood
and one in Westwood.
We did a premiere
that Friday night,
I think it was like six
o'clock or something like that,
and hundreds of people
showed up 'cause it was free
and we had booze and
we had klieg lights.
Dustin Hoffman showed up
and some other
celebrities at the time.
And I sat and watched this
movie with an audience
and I just knew this thing
was just not gonna work.
I didn't know if it was
funny 'cause I knew Frankie
and he made me laugh or
if in fact for someone
who had never seen
"Last Foxtrot" or
"Last Tango," rather,
it would be really bad.
But I was thinking, why
didn't I make a horror movie?
But, you know, hope
springs eternal
and I figured, well,
the math is great,
'cause even if 50
or 60 people show up
for every screening
for the week,
I could recover the rental
of the movie theater
and make a few bucks.
Plus the place was full.
Of course it was a free
screening, the premiere,
so it was all about
the next showing,
which I think was
the eight o'clock,
something like
the eight o'clock.
And we sat there
after everybody left
and the eight
o'clock came and went
and there were five
people in the audience
and this theater
held 900 people.
Five.
And I think three
of them walked out.
So I knew it was a
complete and utter disaster
and in fact it was.
I thought, well I
have no more money.
This is gonna ruin my career.
I better go back to
Italy and you know,
become a carpenter or something.
So I mean I had those thoughts.
It was an absolute nightmare.
There's a few funny anecdotes
which are in the book
which you guys should read.
It's my crazy adventure through
40-odd years of filmmaking.
And then I sort of
got my breath again.
Luckily this gift item
business did well enough
that we kept bringing
in some more money.
I thought, okay, all I can
do is erase this movie.
Erase this movie and make
my first horror movie.
So I went about
destroying the prints,
throwing them away.
We only made a
handful of prints.
Getting rid of any PR,
publicity, printed material,
and I went out to make
my first horror movie,
which was "Mansion
of the Doomed."
And as some of you know,
I number all my movies
starting back in the 70s,
so "Mansion of the Doomed"
is obviously number one
and I pretty much
erased "Foxtrot."
So for years is in my
biography and my filmography,
people always talk about
"Mansion" as the first movie,
'cause I never mentioned
Last-fucking-Foxtrot in Burbank
'cause it was such a
disaster and an embarrassment
'cause it's a ridiculous movie.
So little by little,
the years go by
and once in a while
someone brings it up
and then for the last 20 years,
no one talks about "Foxtrot."
It was lost and forgotten
and it was only about
"Mansion of the Doomed,"
my first movie with Richard
Basehart and Gloria Grahame
and you know, Stan
Winston was my effects guy
and Andrew Davis was my DP.
It was a great first
movie, a great experience.
And then literally
the summer of 2020,
when I'm finally with the
wonderful writer, Adam Felber
writing my book...
They call it a memoir
but to me it's more like
my life so far 'cause
we're rocking hard
and 2022 I think will
make 18 features.
But nonetheless,
I have to sit down
and remember all these stories.
And Adam said, you know, you
should talk about "Foxtrot."
There's some really funny
stories about "Foxtrot."
You should not let that go.
So what if it hasn't
been in your biography
for all these years?
Tell it.
So anyway, I told the story,
kind of an abbreviated version
of what I'm telling
you guys now.
And shortly thereafter, as
we're preparing this book,
Larry Karaszewski,
who's a good friend
and a fantastic writer, he says,
"You know, Charlie, I found
kind of through the underground,
a trailer of 'Last
Foxtrot in Burbank.'
Do you mind if I clean it
up and I'll do something
for "Trailers from Hell" and
I go, Jesus, fucking Foxtrot.
But he sent me the
trailer and I thought,
oh, that was pretty funny.
I liked the trailer
because the trailer
has nothing to do
with the movie.
It was a little set
up and you'll see it
on this DVD or Blu-ray.
It was the style of the time
is when you have something
so, you know, hard to look at
and so full of, you
know, forbidden scenes.
What you do is you have people
coming out of a movie theater
talking about the movie
and how it's crazy
and it's beyond filth
and so the trailer
was family and
friends, you know,
talking about "Foxtrot"
in an amazing way.
Not one clip of the
movie, like zero.
So the trailer, he cleaned
it up, the trailer came out
on "Trailers from Hell,"
and you know, we posted it.
I'm sure some of you've seen it
on our Full Moon Features site.
I thought, okay, well
that's the end of that.
At least the
trailer's kind of fun.
And then Larry got a text or
a tweet, I'm not sure what,
but somehow someone from
the UCLA Film Archive said,
"Hey, you know, Larry, I
think we have the negative,
the original negative of 'The
Last Foxtrot in Burbank.'
And I go what?
He says, "Yes,
and here's the guy
you should get in touch with."
So I called this wonderful
guy over at UCLA Film Archive.
He said, "Charlie, he says
obviously we're not sure
how good the negative is,
but someone 47 years ago
came in with this negative
and we've had it ever since.
No one's asked about it.
No one knows we have it,
but I remember that title.
It's hard to forget that title
and I'm happy to
lend it out to you.
Larry's a friend and you
know, you should transfer it
and see what you got."
So I'm thinking, oh my God,
you know, back from the past.
So we caught the negative,
we sent it over
to the film chain
we did the transfer
and lo and behold,
it's a beautiful
35 millimeter print
of this ridiculous movie I made
called "The Last
Foxtrot in Burbank."
So that's what
you're about to see.
It's just weird
how time and space
kind of conspired
between the book,
Larry finding the trailer
and now the movie was found,
'cause I threw everything out,
but the negative
somehow survived
and that's kind of the story.
So forgive me.
This movie is, I'm sure
it's totally inappropriate
by today's standards.
It's not what I wanted to do.
I made my first and
last guest appearance
in the movie as a priest.
I'm sorry I did that it.
But you know, there
are moments of humor,
so appreciate the fact I was 22,
it was the early 70s and
we made a bizarro movie
called "The Last
Foxtrot in Burbank."
So thank you and I hope
you kind of enjoy the movie
and put it in perspective
and oh yeah, finally,
so since I've numbered all
my movies for 40-odd years
starting with number one,
the only number I could
give "Last Foxtrot" is zero.
Ciao.
[soft upbeat music]
[soft upbeat music]
[cars honking]
[train horn blares]
[train whooshing]
[thunder rumbling]
[birds chirping]
- Hey God. Don't be a sore.
You didn't piss on Brando.
[train horn blares]
[men shouting indistinctly]
[speaking in foreign language]
[men laugh]
[man urinating]
[clumsy string music]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Okay, mama.
Bye-bye.
[clumsy string music]
[farting]
[man humming]
[man speaking in
foreign language]
[man laughing]
- Oh.
Oh no.
[phone ringing]
[all laughing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[phone ringing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Oh, the shithouse, eh?
There's no shithouse paper.
- Hey.
[bartender speaking
in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man laughing]
[bartender grunting]
- Oh.
[man laughing]
[bartender speaking
in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man laughing]
[clumsy string music]
[cars honking]
[clumsy string music]
[woman singing in
foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman singing in
foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman whistles]
[speaking in foreign language]
- No madam.
[speaking in foreign language]
No madam.
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
- No madam.
[speaking in foreign language]
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah
[woman gasps]
[speaking in foreign language]
[clumsy string music]
[shrill string music]
[woman speaking in
foreign language]
- [Paul] Oh, man.
- Paul!
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman sobbing]
- Okay.
All right!
Oh.
[woman speaking in
foreign language]
[woman gasps]
- Paul!
Oh, Paul.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Oh, Paul.
[speaking in foreign language]
Oh, Paul.
[woman sobbing]
[clarinet music]
Oh.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Get out.
- Paul?
[clarinet music]
[woman speaking in
foreign language]
- Get outta here!
[woman screams]
[speaking in foreign language]
[camera buzzing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[camera buzzing]
[men sigh]
[speaking in foreign language]
[clumsy string music]
- I don't even know your name.
- Oh, I can't tell you my name.
- Why can't you
tell me your name?
- Because I have too many names.
[Paul sucks teeth]
- What name are you today?
- Richard Burton.
[woman laughs]
- Richard Burton?
- You dumb little cunt.
Who do you think
you're laughing at?
Haven't you ever been fucked
by a Richard Burton before?
Did you ever believe, believe
in your furthest imagination
that my immense pole would
be poked into your part?
Mm, yes, yes, but that
is not the question here.
The question is to come,
mm, or not to come.
[woman laughs]
Listen sweetheart, who do
you think you're laughing at?
I didn't like you
when I first fucked ya
and I don't like you now.
[woman laughs]
- I love Humphrey Bogart!
[woman laughs]
- What are you laughing at?
Didn't I tell you not to
laugh at me, you Motherfucker?
Who do you think
you're laughing at?
You're laughing at
the fucking star.
- No, no, don't do him,
he makes me scared.
I don't like Peter Lorre.
- Well.
- But, but the person
I want to be fucked by,
uh, you can do him.
- Yeah? Who?
- I can't tell you.
- Who?
- It's Groucho Marx.
- Hm.
How about Kirk Douglas?
[woman chuckles]
- No. Groucho Marx.
- Groucho Marx, huh?
- Oui.
- You wait here. I'm
gonna get my glasses.
[woman gasps]
Oh, that's you.
- Oh?
[woman sighs]
[woman laughs]
- [Paul] Hi young lady.
If you say the secret word,
not only do you get this cock,
we'll give you Chico's cock.
This may lead to anything.
[cars honking]
[clumsy melancholy string music]
[soft clarinet music]
[knocking on door]
- Entrer.
[bed creaking]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man laughs]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man chuckles]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Caca.
- Pee pee.
[glasses clink]
[soft clarinet music]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man grunting]
[singing in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man coughs]
- Au revoir.
[bed creaks]
- Whoa.
- Yeah?
[speaking in foreign language]
- Mais oui.
Mais oui.
[man sobbing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[both sobbing]
[melancholy organ music]
I'm glad you're dead,
you skunk fucker.
If you didn't kill
yourself sooner or later,
I'd have killed ya.
Look at this place.
You see anybody here besides me?
If only the skunks
you fucked were here,
the place would
be SRO, sold out.
But nobody's showin' up.
You wanna know why?
Because you're a skunk fucker!
You weren't even a good wife.
You know why you
weren't a good wife?
Did you ever cook
a meal for me? Hm?
Why not?
Isn't that what they're
supposed to do, wives?
Cook for their husbands?
But I didn't care about that.
You don't have to cook for me.
Did you have a sew for me? Hm?
Darn my socks?
I heard that once.
I don't remember where I
heard it, but I heard it once.
When a woman marries a man,
that's what she's
supposed to do.
Darn his socks!
In all the years
we were married,
none of those things
ever bothered me.
But you, you, you
lousy skunk fucker.
You're a skunking,
fucking skunking fucking
skunk fucker, skunky!
The one thing I wanted from
you, you couldn't give me!
I wanted a child!
[Paul sobbing]
[melancholy music]
Oh!
[Paul sobbing]
[water splashing]
[cars honk in the distance]
[woman sobbing]
- Paul.
Oh.
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman sobbing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah, ma.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Stanley Beck.
- Eh, Stanley Beck.
[Mother speaks in
foreign language]
- Al Pacino.
[Mother speaks in
foreign language]
Sacheen Littlefeather.
- [Mother] Oh yes,
Littlefeather.
Gary Cooper.
- [Paul] Marcus Rydell.
[Mother speaks in
foreign language]
Ben Turpin.
- [Mother] Oh yes.
- [Paul] Jon Voight.
- [Mother] Oh and Faye Dunaway.
- [Paul] Sauvier Peugeot.
- [Mother] Charlie Band.
- [Paul] Antonio Lee.
Ele ele ele ele ele.
- Mila.
- George Putnam.
- Donald Duck?
[melancholy clumsy string music]
- Listen, we've been
humping a long time now
and you know, you ain't
once caught my joint.
- But I have never
done that before.
I have no talent,
you know, really.
- Ha, you don't
need any talents.
All you need is your mouth.
- But uh...
Really you, you know,
you want me to...
- Come on. Whip some
skull on me, bitch.
- I will try.
Um, I want to ask how come
I always have no clothes
and you have clothes?
- I, uh, I chill quick.
Come on, dive.
- Um...
[Paul sighs]
I suppose when you come,
you want me to swallow it?
- Yeah.
Yeah I want you to swallow.
Don't you love me?
- I will.
I will try.
- Come on.
[woman mumbles]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
Charlie!
[Paul grunts]
[woman moaning]
All right, all right, up.
[Paul sighs]
- I would rather not swallow it.
- Why? What do you mean
you don't wanna swallow it?
- Would you really mind
if I did not swallow it?
- All right, all right.
Don't, don't...
Get outta here. Don't...
All right, don't. Get out.
All right.
Don't swallow it.
- It's not I don't love you.
- Yeah.
- I really want to swallow it.
- All right.
Don't swallow it.
If you don't wanna swallow
it, don't swallow it.
I don't mind.
- You don't mind if
I don't swallow it?
- Will you get outta here?
Go in the bathroom.
[phone ringing]
Hola.
It's for you.
It's your Mother.
[woman gulps]
- Hello mama.
I swallowed it.
[birds chirping]
[speaking in foreign language]
[both laughing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Uh, oui.
- Oui?
[Jeanne chuckles]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Keep rolling.
- Keep rolling.
- Oh baby.
Oh yes.
[Jeanne moaning]
- [Man] Keep rolling.
Are you rolling?
[speaking in foreign language]
[gunshots]
[men exclaim]
[speaking in foreign language]
[gunshots]
[melancholy clumsy string music]
You are a very bitter man.
- Yeah?
You'd be bitter, too, if you
come from where I come from.
I had me a rough life.
My father was a drunk.
My Mother was a drunk.
My grandMother was a drunk.
My grandfather was a drunk.
All the animals on our
farm used to drink.
Everybody was
drunk all the time.
This one night....
This one night, I
got all dressed up
to take my girl to a dance
because I like to dance,
especially the
Foxtrot, you know?
My father made me late because,
because I had to flick
a couple more chickens.
So I asked him if
he would flick 'em.
He told me, "Oh fluck you."
Anyhow, I was in a hurry
and I didn't have time
to change my shoes.
You see I...
You see, I had chicken
shit all over 'em.
In fact they, they called
me that for a long time.
Chicken shit shoes.
Later on, in the car, they smell
the chicken shit, you know?
Wake up!
[Jeanne grunts]
- What do you want?
Let me see your fingers.
- My fingers?
- Yeah.
That's a nice one.
Nah.
That's a nice one.
That's, that's okay, too.
Stick 'em up my nose.
- Your nose?
- Stick 'em.
- But I never did that before.
- Stick 'em!
[Jeanne sighs]
- Okay.
[Jeanne chuckles]
- Yeah.
[Paul yells]
You cunt!
You got a hang nail!
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[Jeanne humming]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah, yeah.
- Ooh.
[speaking in foreign language]
Ah.
[Jeanne laughs]
[speaking in foreign language]
[splashing]
[Jeanne gasps]
[Jeanne yelps]
- No!
Ugh.
[speaking in foreign language]
- No!
[bell tolling]
[speaking in foreign language]
[bell tolling]
- [Paul] Don't be difficult.
Cut this shit out now.
Shit, I told you I'll try.
God.
Eh.
All right, it's
gonna be difficult.
Now will you leave me alone?
We gotta talk to him.
- [Mother] La pere!
[Mother laughing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah, will you...
Come on, will you...
[speaking in foreign language]
- Uh, Father, you speak English?
- Oh, you speak English?
- Yeah, yeah. That's good.
- Well I'm from
Ireland, you know.
I've been in Paris now
for almost 10 years.
I'm glad you speak English.
- It's a very nice country.
We're here Father, 'cause
we want a burial, you see?
- Oh, I see.
- Her son and my
wife died and uh-
- Oh, your son.
- And we want to get a burial.
- I see.
- The very best.
You know father, I think,
I think I better level with you.
You see, uh, it was a suicide.
- [Pastor] I beg you pardon?
Are you telling me that
the deceased is a suicide?
- Yeah.
- [Pastor] Oh, now that
presents a problem.
- We wanna get a burial,
the very best you got.
- Well that's-
[speaking in foreign language]
- Mass, yeah, we
want a big mass.
- [Pastor] The church is not
allowed to bury suicides.
- Yeah, father, I know about
that, but there are exceptions.
Maybe...
- [Pastor] There
are no exceptions.
Don't you understand,
it's the church law.
- Maybe you can make an
exception in this case, yeah.
Yeah, now you get
yourself a new frock, huh?
- No, no, no. The money
has nothing to do with it.
You can't...
Please take this back.
You're embarrassing me.
- What are you doin'?
What are you doin', huh?
- Take it back-
- What are you,
are you pushin' for
pope or somethin', hm?
- No, no, it's not that.
- Here.
Here.
- It's the church law.
- Get yourself a nun.
- Stop.
- No, that's for you.
Do what you want with it.
- This is a very
good sum of money,
but I'm not allowed to
take anything like that.
You see, I remember
in 1937 just shortly
after I was ordained-
- You know, you really
are a shitty Father.
You're acting like a
real putz, you know that?
- A what?
- Putz!
- I beg your pardon.
What'd you just say to me?
- You're a prick.
- You stop that now. You want
me to call the police on you?
What kind of language
is that, you heathen.
- You wouldn't bury your
Mother, cock sucker.
- Oh, g...
What did you...
A little respect for
the woman you're with.
What kind of language is that-
- Asshole.
- Why you...
What a dirty cock
sucker Motherfucker,
sucker fucker, trying
to break my balls.
Ooh.
[cars honking]
- Hiya baby.
[Jeanne groans]
- [Jeanne] Hiya baby you-
- What's that?
What's that? Wet sheets?
What's that? You couldn't
wait for me, you dirty cunt!
Look how much
you've come already!
Shit!
- But my lover, I was here
so long waiting for you
and you never came to see me.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And I had a
lovely dream anyway.
- Hand me that butter.
- That is margarine.
- Shut up!
- I know what butter is.
- What are you doing?
- Shut up.
- Are you crazy?
You do this to me?
- Dumb cunt, you coming all
over the place without me.
- You do this to me
every time I see you.
[upbeat fanfare music]
I told you it was margarine.
- Oh who gives a fuck?
I'm on a diet anyway.
[Jeanne laughs]
- Are you nuts?
Oh, take this butter off of me.
[Jeanne grunts]
[Paul grunting]
- Am I the best you ever had?
- Oui.
- Fuckin' A.
You'd do anything
for me, wouldn't you?
- Oui.
- Yeah, now repeat after
me or I'll stop doin' it.
- Oh no, don't stop.
- Say, "I hate my
fuckin' Mother."
- I cannot say this.
- Say it or I'll stop doing it.
[Jeanne sighs]
- I hate my fucking Mother.
- Louder.
- I hate my fucking Mother.
[Paul grunting]
- Am I hurtin' ya?
- [Jeanne] No.
[Paul grunting]
- Say I hate my fuckin' church.
- No, I cannot say that.
- Why?
- I'm an atheist.
- No jokes, you dumb fuck.
You're breakin' the rhythm.
You'd do anything
for me, wouldn't ya?
- Oui.
- Yeah.
Am I hurtin' ya?
- No.
- Would you fuck a skunk for me?
- A skunk?
- Oui, a skunk.
- Hm, oui, I would fuck a skunk.
- Good.
Good.
That's good.
Am I hurtin' ya?
- No.
[Paul sighs]
[Paul panting]
Hand me that guitar.
- Oh.
Are you going to play for me?
- No.
I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
- Oh, you filthy fucker!
You shove it up your own ass!
[Jeanne shouts indistinctly]
- Is it somethin' I said?
[birds chirping]
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Hiya, baby.
- What are you doing
in my house anyway?
Can't you see I'm
getting married?
Go away.
I told you it is
over. It is finished.
Go away.
- Yeah.
That's that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I was thinking,
where am I going?
- [Jeanne] I don't
know. Just go.
Can't you see I'm
getting married?
- Now wait a minute.
I know I haven't
got much to offer.
I had my balls shot off
by a cannon in Cuba.
I need somebody to look
after my hemorrhoids
and my prostate, it's the
size of a Mississippi Mellon.
But my rod is in good shape.
[speaks in foreign language]
- You know, my uh, my pee pee...
My birdie.
My poo poo.
- Poo poo, poo poo. Can't
you say prick like anyone?
- Yeah, I mean my dinky,
my do-do wig wham
dingalinga poo poo.
- [Jeanne] You are crazy,
and this is my house.
Go away.
- But seriously, honey.
I'm in love with you and
I wanna know your name.
- You want to know my name?
Mais oui. This is my name.
[gunshot]
- Are you sore because I
asked you to swallow it?
[gunshot]
Gee...
And I thought I was touchy
about giving my name.
[gunshot]
Now hold it.
[Paul grunting]
[soft jazz music]
[Paul coughing]
[soft jazz music]
- Oh, you give good shoe.
[Paul groaning]
[soft jazz music]
[Paul coughs]
[Paul groaning]
[car honks]
[soft jazz music]
[Paul groaning]
Good, good.
[Paul groaning]
[soft jazz music]
Are you kidding me?
God.
[Paul groaning]
[soft jazz music]
One dance won't hurt.
[upbeat jazz music]
[Mother speaking in
foreign language]
- Caca.
- Pee pee.
[glasses clinking]
- Caca pee pee.
[upbeat jazz music]
[woman grumbles]
[soft upbeat music]
[soft upbeat music]
- Hiya baby.
[soft upbeat music]
[Paul grunting]
[soft music]
♪ If I hold you forever
♪ You need to hold
your hands in mine ♪
♪ Would it make you feel
like you're on fire ♪
♪ And if I tell you, baby that
♪ Your soul, it's so fine
♪ Can I count on
your love forever ♪
♪ Now I'm cryin'
♪ Because I knew
about you and I know ♪
♪ That you loved each other
♪ That you touched each other
♪ Why'd you do this to me
♪ Why did you hurt me
♪ Do you know how
much I loved you ♪
♪ Girl, you meant
the world to me ♪
♪ You were my lover
♪ And now, now it's over
♪ You wanna know why
♪ It's over
♪ It's over
♪ You wanna know why it's over
♪ Because, because you're
dead you skunk fucker ♪
♪ Tried to hump my motorcycle
♪ You stripped my gear
♪ You tried to fuck my head
♪ And now you're dead
♪ Oh, Merdo
♪ Where'd you go, Merdo
♪ Are you far
♪ Are you near
[singers vocalizing]
[funky music]
♪ Merdo, Merdo
♪ Oh Merdo
♪ Oh, Merdo
♪ Fuck you, Merdo
♪ Fuck you, baby
♪ Fuck you, Merdo
♪ Oh shit, shit Merdo
♪ Fuck you baby
♪ Fuck you
[stamp thuds]
♪ Fuck you
♪ Merdo's shit
[singers vocalizing]
[funky music]
♪ I love you, I love
you and I'm sorry ♪
♪ And I'm sorry
thought a little explanation
about the history of "The
Last Foxtrot in Burbank"
is in order.
I think a lot of you probably
don't know I made this movie
as I tried to erase
it over the years.
But a lot of the story
is actually in my book,
"Confessions of a Puppetmaster,"
so I figured, well, in
case you're watching
"The Last Foxtrot in Burbank,"
you should hear the story
a bit before you roll film.
So it was the early
70s, I was 22.
We had come back to the
United States from Europe.
We grew up in Italy and
my dad fell on hard times.
He made a lot of movies
in the 60s up to 70, 71.
Then things didn't
work out for him
so he came back with no money,
but, you know, I grew
up on a movie set
so I kind of knew
that part of it
and I was dying to make
my first horror movie.
That's all I wanted to do
was make a horror movie
and I became very
friendly with a fellow
named Frank Ray Perilli.
Frankie Ray at the time
was a pretty well known
exploitation script writer.
He had movies out like
"The Doberman Gang,"
a bunch of Doberman
Pinchers that robbed a bank.
And he was also Lenny Bruce's
partner for many years.
His whole background
was burlesque
and he was a stand up comedian.
And I just loved the guy.
He was my kind of bizarre
guide into Hollywood,
having not grown up here.
I grew up in Rome.
So here I am, a
young kid sort of
being brought around
town by Frankie.
At that time, he
was probably 50.
And he was definitely
an amazing guy
and full of funny stories.
And he knew how badly
I wanted to make
my first horror movie,
but I had zero money.
Anyway, somehow, because I've
been pretty entrepreneurial,
I invented a gift item business
and that's in the book.
I don't wanna bore
you with it now.
But I got very lucky and this
business I sort of invented
took off and suddenly
I made a ton of money.
I mean, relative to the times,
and I had just enough money
to make my first film.
And I had a number of
different horror ideas in mind,
different stories, but Frankie,
who was very convincing
and I loved the guy,
he goes, "You know, Charlie,
there's a movie coming
out in about a month.
It's called 'The Last Tango
in Paris' with Marlon Brando.
It's gonna be a huge hit.
Instead of making this
horror movie thing,
why don't you put
that to the side?
Let's make like a send up,
you know, like a comedy
of sort of making fun of
'Last Tango in Paris.'
I got this fellow,
he's an actor, he's
named Michael Pataki.
He does a great
Brando impression.
Let's make 'The Last
Foxtrot in Burbank.'"
And I'm thinking, oh my God,
sounds like a terrible idea.
But he convinced me
somehow to make this movie,
you know, which was not the plan
and not what I wanted
to do, but, you know,
he was, again, so charming
and his ideas were so funny,
at least as we talked about
'em over too much wine.
I thought, you know, maybe
we can make this comedy,
this satire called "The
Last Foxtrot in Burbank,"
and in fact, Michael Pataki
did a fantastic Brando.
So I would say that
if you're gonna watch
"Last Foxtrot in Burbank,"
you may wanna see
"Last Tango in Paris"
'cause pretty much
scene for scene,
we're making fun of a movie
and if you don't
have the reference,
if you've not seen "Last Tango,"
this movie will be even
more absurdly ridiculous.
So I decided to make
it and we got busy
doing all the things
I was yearning to do
but for the wrong movie.
So what happened was
we shot the movie.
I kind of had this
marketing thing going on.
Another fellow at
the time convinced me
the only way to make money
is to take the movie out
and four wall it, means
rent the movie theater
or theaters plural and screen
it and collect the money
and you could make a
lot of money that way
and do a premiere in Hollywood.
So, you know, here I was,
I already made the movie,
we were finishing it
and I was convinced
to basically spend more money
on a fancy Hollywood premiere
and invite people
and klieg lights
and make a big deal out of
"The Last Foxtrot in Burbank."
So I rented two theaters.
They were some of
the best theaters
in town at the time,
Pacific Theatres.
One in Hollywood
and one in Westwood.
We did a premiere
that Friday night,
I think it was like six
o'clock or something like that,
and hundreds of people
showed up 'cause it was free
and we had booze and
we had klieg lights.
Dustin Hoffman showed up
and some other
celebrities at the time.
And I sat and watched this
movie with an audience
and I just knew this thing
was just not gonna work.
I didn't know if it was
funny 'cause I knew Frankie
and he made me laugh or
if in fact for someone
who had never seen
"Last Foxtrot" or
"Last Tango," rather,
it would be really bad.
But I was thinking, why
didn't I make a horror movie?
But, you know, hope
springs eternal
and I figured, well,
the math is great,
'cause even if 50
or 60 people show up
for every screening
for the week,
I could recover the rental
of the movie theater
and make a few bucks.
Plus the place was full.
Of course it was a free
screening, the premiere,
so it was all about
the next showing,
which I think was
the eight o'clock,
something like
the eight o'clock.
And we sat there
after everybody left
and the eight
o'clock came and went
and there were five
people in the audience
and this theater
held 900 people.
Five.
And I think three
of them walked out.
So I knew it was a
complete and utter disaster
and in fact it was.
I thought, well I
have no more money.
This is gonna ruin my career.
I better go back to
Italy and you know,
become a carpenter or something.
So I mean I had those thoughts.
It was an absolute nightmare.
There's a few funny anecdotes
which are in the book
which you guys should read.
It's my crazy adventure through
40-odd years of filmmaking.
And then I sort of
got my breath again.
Luckily this gift item
business did well enough
that we kept bringing
in some more money.
I thought, okay, all I can
do is erase this movie.
Erase this movie and make
my first horror movie.
So I went about
destroying the prints,
throwing them away.
We only made a
handful of prints.
Getting rid of any PR,
publicity, printed material,
and I went out to make
my first horror movie,
which was "Mansion
of the Doomed."
And as some of you know,
I number all my movies
starting back in the 70s,
so "Mansion of the Doomed"
is obviously number one
and I pretty much
erased "Foxtrot."
So for years is in my
biography and my filmography,
people always talk about
"Mansion" as the first movie,
'cause I never mentioned
Last-fucking-Foxtrot in Burbank
'cause it was such a
disaster and an embarrassment
'cause it's a ridiculous movie.
So little by little,
the years go by
and once in a while
someone brings it up
and then for the last 20 years,
no one talks about "Foxtrot."
It was lost and forgotten
and it was only about
"Mansion of the Doomed,"
my first movie with Richard
Basehart and Gloria Grahame
and you know, Stan
Winston was my effects guy
and Andrew Davis was my DP.
It was a great first
movie, a great experience.
And then literally
the summer of 2020,
when I'm finally with the
wonderful writer, Adam Felber
writing my book...
They call it a memoir
but to me it's more like
my life so far 'cause
we're rocking hard
and 2022 I think will
make 18 features.
But nonetheless,
I have to sit down
and remember all these stories.
And Adam said, you know, you
should talk about "Foxtrot."
There's some really funny
stories about "Foxtrot."
You should not let that go.
So what if it hasn't
been in your biography
for all these years?
Tell it.
So anyway, I told the story,
kind of an abbreviated version
of what I'm telling
you guys now.
And shortly thereafter, as
we're preparing this book,
Larry Karaszewski,
who's a good friend
and a fantastic writer, he says,
"You know, Charlie, I found
kind of through the underground,
a trailer of 'Last
Foxtrot in Burbank.'
Do you mind if I clean it
up and I'll do something
for "Trailers from Hell" and
I go, Jesus, fucking Foxtrot.
But he sent me the
trailer and I thought,
oh, that was pretty funny.
I liked the trailer
because the trailer
has nothing to do
with the movie.
It was a little set
up and you'll see it
on this DVD or Blu-ray.
It was the style of the time
is when you have something
so, you know, hard to look at
and so full of, you
know, forbidden scenes.
What you do is you have people
coming out of a movie theater
talking about the movie
and how it's crazy
and it's beyond filth
and so the trailer
was family and
friends, you know,
talking about "Foxtrot"
in an amazing way.
Not one clip of the
movie, like zero.
So the trailer, he cleaned
it up, the trailer came out
on "Trailers from Hell,"
and you know, we posted it.
I'm sure some of you've seen it
on our Full Moon Features site.
I thought, okay, well
that's the end of that.
At least the
trailer's kind of fun.
And then Larry got a text or
a tweet, I'm not sure what,
but somehow someone from
the UCLA Film Archive said,
"Hey, you know, Larry, I
think we have the negative,
the original negative of 'The
Last Foxtrot in Burbank.'
And I go what?
He says, "Yes,
and here's the guy
you should get in touch with."
So I called this wonderful
guy over at UCLA Film Archive.
He said, "Charlie, he says
obviously we're not sure
how good the negative is,
but someone 47 years ago
came in with this negative
and we've had it ever since.
No one's asked about it.
No one knows we have it,
but I remember that title.
It's hard to forget that title
and I'm happy to
lend it out to you.
Larry's a friend and you
know, you should transfer it
and see what you got."
So I'm thinking, oh my God,
you know, back from the past.
So we caught the negative,
we sent it over
to the film chain
we did the transfer
and lo and behold,
it's a beautiful
35 millimeter print
of this ridiculous movie I made
called "The Last
Foxtrot in Burbank."
So that's what
you're about to see.
It's just weird
how time and space
kind of conspired
between the book,
Larry finding the trailer
and now the movie was found,
'cause I threw everything out,
but the negative
somehow survived
and that's kind of the story.
So forgive me.
This movie is, I'm sure
it's totally inappropriate
by today's standards.
It's not what I wanted to do.
I made my first and
last guest appearance
in the movie as a priest.
I'm sorry I did that it.
But you know, there
are moments of humor,
so appreciate the fact I was 22,
it was the early 70s and
we made a bizarro movie
called "The Last
Foxtrot in Burbank."
So thank you and I hope
you kind of enjoy the movie
and put it in perspective
and oh yeah, finally,
so since I've numbered all
my movies for 40-odd years
starting with number one,
the only number I could
give "Last Foxtrot" is zero.
Ciao.
[soft upbeat music]
[soft upbeat music]
[cars honking]
[train horn blares]
[train whooshing]
[thunder rumbling]
[birds chirping]
- Hey God. Don't be a sore.
You didn't piss on Brando.
[train horn blares]
[men shouting indistinctly]
[speaking in foreign language]
[men laugh]
[man urinating]
[clumsy string music]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Okay, mama.
Bye-bye.
[clumsy string music]
[farting]
[man humming]
[man speaking in
foreign language]
[man laughing]
- Oh.
Oh no.
[phone ringing]
[all laughing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[phone ringing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Oh, the shithouse, eh?
There's no shithouse paper.
- Hey.
[bartender speaking
in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man laughing]
[bartender grunting]
- Oh.
[man laughing]
[bartender speaking
in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man laughing]
[clumsy string music]
[cars honking]
[clumsy string music]
[woman singing in
foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman singing in
foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman whistles]
[speaking in foreign language]
- No madam.
[speaking in foreign language]
No madam.
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
- No madam.
[speaking in foreign language]
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah
[woman gasps]
[speaking in foreign language]
[clumsy string music]
[shrill string music]
[woman speaking in
foreign language]
- [Paul] Oh, man.
- Paul!
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman sobbing]
- Okay.
All right!
Oh.
[woman speaking in
foreign language]
[woman gasps]
- Paul!
Oh, Paul.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Oh, Paul.
[speaking in foreign language]
Oh, Paul.
[woman sobbing]
[clarinet music]
Oh.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Get out.
- Paul?
[clarinet music]
[woman speaking in
foreign language]
- Get outta here!
[woman screams]
[speaking in foreign language]
[camera buzzing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[camera buzzing]
[men sigh]
[speaking in foreign language]
[clumsy string music]
- I don't even know your name.
- Oh, I can't tell you my name.
- Why can't you
tell me your name?
- Because I have too many names.
[Paul sucks teeth]
- What name are you today?
- Richard Burton.
[woman laughs]
- Richard Burton?
- You dumb little cunt.
Who do you think
you're laughing at?
Haven't you ever been fucked
by a Richard Burton before?
Did you ever believe, believe
in your furthest imagination
that my immense pole would
be poked into your part?
Mm, yes, yes, but that
is not the question here.
The question is to come,
mm, or not to come.
[woman laughs]
Listen sweetheart, who do
you think you're laughing at?
I didn't like you
when I first fucked ya
and I don't like you now.
[woman laughs]
- I love Humphrey Bogart!
[woman laughs]
- What are you laughing at?
Didn't I tell you not to
laugh at me, you Motherfucker?
Who do you think
you're laughing at?
You're laughing at
the fucking star.
- No, no, don't do him,
he makes me scared.
I don't like Peter Lorre.
- Well.
- But, but the person
I want to be fucked by,
uh, you can do him.
- Yeah? Who?
- I can't tell you.
- Who?
- It's Groucho Marx.
- Hm.
How about Kirk Douglas?
[woman chuckles]
- No. Groucho Marx.
- Groucho Marx, huh?
- Oui.
- You wait here. I'm
gonna get my glasses.
[woman gasps]
Oh, that's you.
- Oh?
[woman sighs]
[woman laughs]
- [Paul] Hi young lady.
If you say the secret word,
not only do you get this cock,
we'll give you Chico's cock.
This may lead to anything.
[cars honking]
[clumsy melancholy string music]
[soft clarinet music]
[knocking on door]
- Entrer.
[bed creaking]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man laughs]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man chuckles]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Caca.
- Pee pee.
[glasses clink]
[soft clarinet music]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man grunting]
[singing in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[man coughs]
- Au revoir.
[bed creaks]
- Whoa.
- Yeah?
[speaking in foreign language]
- Mais oui.
Mais oui.
[man sobbing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[both sobbing]
[melancholy organ music]
I'm glad you're dead,
you skunk fucker.
If you didn't kill
yourself sooner or later,
I'd have killed ya.
Look at this place.
You see anybody here besides me?
If only the skunks
you fucked were here,
the place would
be SRO, sold out.
But nobody's showin' up.
You wanna know why?
Because you're a skunk fucker!
You weren't even a good wife.
You know why you
weren't a good wife?
Did you ever cook
a meal for me? Hm?
Why not?
Isn't that what they're
supposed to do, wives?
Cook for their husbands?
But I didn't care about that.
You don't have to cook for me.
Did you have a sew for me? Hm?
Darn my socks?
I heard that once.
I don't remember where I
heard it, but I heard it once.
When a woman marries a man,
that's what she's
supposed to do.
Darn his socks!
In all the years
we were married,
none of those things
ever bothered me.
But you, you, you
lousy skunk fucker.
You're a skunking,
fucking skunking fucking
skunk fucker, skunky!
The one thing I wanted from
you, you couldn't give me!
I wanted a child!
[Paul sobbing]
[melancholy music]
Oh!
[Paul sobbing]
[water splashing]
[cars honk in the distance]
[woman sobbing]
- Paul.
Oh.
[speaking in foreign language]
[woman sobbing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah, ma.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Stanley Beck.
- Eh, Stanley Beck.
[Mother speaks in
foreign language]
- Al Pacino.
[Mother speaks in
foreign language]
Sacheen Littlefeather.
- [Mother] Oh yes,
Littlefeather.
Gary Cooper.
- [Paul] Marcus Rydell.
[Mother speaks in
foreign language]
Ben Turpin.
- [Mother] Oh yes.
- [Paul] Jon Voight.
- [Mother] Oh and Faye Dunaway.
- [Paul] Sauvier Peugeot.
- [Mother] Charlie Band.
- [Paul] Antonio Lee.
Ele ele ele ele ele.
- Mila.
- George Putnam.
- Donald Duck?
[melancholy clumsy string music]
- Listen, we've been
humping a long time now
and you know, you ain't
once caught my joint.
- But I have never
done that before.
I have no talent,
you know, really.
- Ha, you don't
need any talents.
All you need is your mouth.
- But uh...
Really you, you know,
you want me to...
- Come on. Whip some
skull on me, bitch.
- I will try.
Um, I want to ask how come
I always have no clothes
and you have clothes?
- I, uh, I chill quick.
Come on, dive.
- Um...
[Paul sighs]
I suppose when you come,
you want me to swallow it?
- Yeah.
Yeah I want you to swallow.
Don't you love me?
- I will.
I will try.
- Come on.
[woman mumbles]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
Charlie!
[Paul grunts]
[woman moaning]
All right, all right, up.
[Paul sighs]
- I would rather not swallow it.
- Why? What do you mean
you don't wanna swallow it?
- Would you really mind
if I did not swallow it?
- All right, all right.
Don't, don't...
Get outta here. Don't...
All right, don't. Get out.
All right.
Don't swallow it.
- It's not I don't love you.
- Yeah.
- I really want to swallow it.
- All right.
Don't swallow it.
If you don't wanna swallow
it, don't swallow it.
I don't mind.
- You don't mind if
I don't swallow it?
- Will you get outta here?
Go in the bathroom.
[phone ringing]
Hola.
It's for you.
It's your Mother.
[woman gulps]
- Hello mama.
I swallowed it.
[birds chirping]
[speaking in foreign language]
[both laughing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Uh, oui.
- Oui?
[Jeanne chuckles]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Keep rolling.
- Keep rolling.
- Oh baby.
Oh yes.
[Jeanne moaning]
- [Man] Keep rolling.
Are you rolling?
[speaking in foreign language]
[gunshots]
[men exclaim]
[speaking in foreign language]
[gunshots]
[melancholy clumsy string music]
You are a very bitter man.
- Yeah?
You'd be bitter, too, if you
come from where I come from.
I had me a rough life.
My father was a drunk.
My Mother was a drunk.
My grandMother was a drunk.
My grandfather was a drunk.
All the animals on our
farm used to drink.
Everybody was
drunk all the time.
This one night....
This one night, I
got all dressed up
to take my girl to a dance
because I like to dance,
especially the
Foxtrot, you know?
My father made me late because,
because I had to flick
a couple more chickens.
So I asked him if
he would flick 'em.
He told me, "Oh fluck you."
Anyhow, I was in a hurry
and I didn't have time
to change my shoes.
You see I...
You see, I had chicken
shit all over 'em.
In fact they, they called
me that for a long time.
Chicken shit shoes.
Later on, in the car, they smell
the chicken shit, you know?
Wake up!
[Jeanne grunts]
- What do you want?
Let me see your fingers.
- My fingers?
- Yeah.
That's a nice one.
Nah.
That's a nice one.
That's, that's okay, too.
Stick 'em up my nose.
- Your nose?
- Stick 'em.
- But I never did that before.
- Stick 'em!
[Jeanne sighs]
- Okay.
[Jeanne chuckles]
- Yeah.
[Paul yells]
You cunt!
You got a hang nail!
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
[Jeanne humming]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah, yeah.
- Ooh.
[speaking in foreign language]
Ah.
[Jeanne laughs]
[speaking in foreign language]
[splashing]
[Jeanne gasps]
[Jeanne yelps]
- No!
Ugh.
[speaking in foreign language]
- No!
[bell tolling]
[speaking in foreign language]
[bell tolling]
- [Paul] Don't be difficult.
Cut this shit out now.
Shit, I told you I'll try.
God.
Eh.
All right, it's
gonna be difficult.
Now will you leave me alone?
We gotta talk to him.
- [Mother] La pere!
[Mother laughing]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Yeah, will you...
Come on, will you...
[speaking in foreign language]
- Uh, Father, you speak English?
- Oh, you speak English?
- Yeah, yeah. That's good.
- Well I'm from
Ireland, you know.
I've been in Paris now
for almost 10 years.
I'm glad you speak English.
- It's a very nice country.
We're here Father, 'cause
we want a burial, you see?
- Oh, I see.
- Her son and my
wife died and uh-
- Oh, your son.
- And we want to get a burial.
- I see.
- The very best.
You know father, I think,
I think I better level with you.
You see, uh, it was a suicide.
- [Pastor] I beg you pardon?
Are you telling me that
the deceased is a suicide?
- Yeah.
- [Pastor] Oh, now that
presents a problem.
- We wanna get a burial,
the very best you got.
- Well that's-
[speaking in foreign language]
- Mass, yeah, we
want a big mass.
- [Pastor] The church is not
allowed to bury suicides.
- Yeah, father, I know about
that, but there are exceptions.
Maybe...
- [Pastor] There
are no exceptions.
Don't you understand,
it's the church law.
- Maybe you can make an
exception in this case, yeah.
Yeah, now you get
yourself a new frock, huh?
- No, no, no. The money
has nothing to do with it.
You can't...
Please take this back.
You're embarrassing me.
- What are you doin'?
What are you doin', huh?
- Take it back-
- What are you,
are you pushin' for
pope or somethin', hm?
- No, no, it's not that.
- Here.
Here.
- It's the church law.
- Get yourself a nun.
- Stop.
- No, that's for you.
Do what you want with it.
- This is a very
good sum of money,
but I'm not allowed to
take anything like that.
You see, I remember
in 1937 just shortly
after I was ordained-
- You know, you really
are a shitty Father.
You're acting like a
real putz, you know that?
- A what?
- Putz!
- I beg your pardon.
What'd you just say to me?
- You're a prick.
- You stop that now. You want
me to call the police on you?
What kind of language
is that, you heathen.
- You wouldn't bury your
Mother, cock sucker.
- Oh, g...
What did you...
A little respect for
the woman you're with.
What kind of language is that-
- Asshole.
- Why you...
What a dirty cock
sucker Motherfucker,
sucker fucker, trying
to break my balls.
Ooh.
[cars honking]
- Hiya baby.
[Jeanne groans]
- [Jeanne] Hiya baby you-
- What's that?
What's that? Wet sheets?
What's that? You couldn't
wait for me, you dirty cunt!
Look how much
you've come already!
Shit!
- But my lover, I was here
so long waiting for you
and you never came to see me.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And I had a
lovely dream anyway.
- Hand me that butter.
- That is margarine.
- Shut up!
- I know what butter is.
- What are you doing?
- Shut up.
- Are you crazy?
You do this to me?
- Dumb cunt, you coming all
over the place without me.
- You do this to me
every time I see you.
[upbeat fanfare music]
I told you it was margarine.
- Oh who gives a fuck?
I'm on a diet anyway.
[Jeanne laughs]
- Are you nuts?
Oh, take this butter off of me.
[Jeanne grunts]
[Paul grunting]
- Am I the best you ever had?
- Oui.
- Fuckin' A.
You'd do anything
for me, wouldn't you?
- Oui.
- Yeah, now repeat after
me or I'll stop doin' it.
- Oh no, don't stop.
- Say, "I hate my
fuckin' Mother."
- I cannot say this.
- Say it or I'll stop doing it.
[Jeanne sighs]
- I hate my fucking Mother.
- Louder.
- I hate my fucking Mother.
[Paul grunting]
- Am I hurtin' ya?
- [Jeanne] No.
[Paul grunting]
- Say I hate my fuckin' church.
- No, I cannot say that.
- Why?
- I'm an atheist.
- No jokes, you dumb fuck.
You're breakin' the rhythm.
You'd do anything
for me, wouldn't ya?
- Oui.
- Yeah.
Am I hurtin' ya?
- No.
- Would you fuck a skunk for me?
- A skunk?
- Oui, a skunk.
- Hm, oui, I would fuck a skunk.
- Good.
Good.
That's good.
Am I hurtin' ya?
- No.
[Paul sighs]
[Paul panting]
Hand me that guitar.
- Oh.
Are you going to play for me?
- No.
I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
- Oh, you filthy fucker!
You shove it up your own ass!
[Jeanne shouts indistinctly]
- Is it somethin' I said?
[birds chirping]
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Hiya, baby.
- What are you doing
in my house anyway?
Can't you see I'm
getting married?
Go away.
I told you it is
over. It is finished.
Go away.
- Yeah.
That's that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I was thinking,
where am I going?
- [Jeanne] I don't
know. Just go.
Can't you see I'm
getting married?
- Now wait a minute.
I know I haven't
got much to offer.
I had my balls shot off
by a cannon in Cuba.
I need somebody to look
after my hemorrhoids
and my prostate, it's the
size of a Mississippi Mellon.
But my rod is in good shape.
[speaks in foreign language]
- You know, my uh, my pee pee...
My birdie.
My poo poo.
- Poo poo, poo poo. Can't
you say prick like anyone?
- Yeah, I mean my dinky,
my do-do wig wham
dingalinga poo poo.
- [Jeanne] You are crazy,
and this is my house.
Go away.
- But seriously, honey.
I'm in love with you and
I wanna know your name.
- You want to know my name?
Mais oui. This is my name.
[gunshot]
- Are you sore because I
asked you to swallow it?
[gunshot]
Gee...
And I thought I was touchy
about giving my name.
[gunshot]
Now hold it.
[Paul grunting]
[soft jazz music]
[Paul coughing]
[soft jazz music]
- Oh, you give good shoe.
[Paul groaning]
[soft jazz music]
[Paul coughs]
[Paul groaning]
[car honks]
[soft jazz music]
[Paul groaning]
Good, good.
[Paul groaning]
[soft jazz music]
Are you kidding me?
God.
[Paul groaning]
[soft jazz music]
One dance won't hurt.
[upbeat jazz music]
[Mother speaking in
foreign language]
- Caca.
- Pee pee.
[glasses clinking]
- Caca pee pee.
[upbeat jazz music]
[woman grumbles]
[soft upbeat music]
[soft upbeat music]
- Hiya baby.
[soft upbeat music]
[Paul grunting]
[soft music]
♪ If I hold you forever
♪ You need to hold
your hands in mine ♪
♪ Would it make you feel
like you're on fire ♪
♪ And if I tell you, baby that
♪ Your soul, it's so fine
♪ Can I count on
your love forever ♪
♪ Now I'm cryin'
♪ Because I knew
about you and I know ♪
♪ That you loved each other
♪ That you touched each other
♪ Why'd you do this to me
♪ Why did you hurt me
♪ Do you know how
much I loved you ♪
♪ Girl, you meant
the world to me ♪
♪ You were my lover
♪ And now, now it's over
♪ You wanna know why
♪ It's over
♪ It's over
♪ You wanna know why it's over
♪ Because, because you're
dead you skunk fucker ♪
♪ Tried to hump my motorcycle
♪ You stripped my gear
♪ You tried to fuck my head
♪ And now you're dead
♪ Oh, Merdo
♪ Where'd you go, Merdo
♪ Are you far
♪ Are you near
[singers vocalizing]
[funky music]
♪ Merdo, Merdo
♪ Oh Merdo
♪ Oh, Merdo
♪ Fuck you, Merdo
♪ Fuck you, baby
♪ Fuck you, Merdo
♪ Oh shit, shit Merdo
♪ Fuck you baby
♪ Fuck you
[stamp thuds]
♪ Fuck you
♪ Merdo's shit
[singers vocalizing]
[funky music]
♪ I love you, I love
you and I'm sorry ♪
♪ And I'm sorry