Last Call at Murray's (2016) - full transcript

Dwindling clientele and new smoking ordinances have forced veteran bar-owner Murray to make a tough decision: it's time to close the bar. However, Murray's hopes for a quiet closing are dashed when a freak blizzard whips through, stranding a host of zany people all night. Between drinks and karaoke, alliances are formed, broken, and blown sky-high. A new life comes into the world, and an old one leaves. And when the plows finally arrive in the morning, no one goes home the same.

Yo, Murray!

You got small ones.


Not the first time
I've heard that.

Hey, that beer ain't free.

How about offering twofers in
celebration of the last night?

Like hell.

I'm doubling the price.
Fund my retirement.

- Good luck with that.
- Hm.

Damn. And I was hoping to
put flames on my Winnebago.

Hard to believe this is it.

I'm tired, Hutch.

Tired of the government telling
me how to run my business.

Tired of this bar being
empty every night.

I'm always here.

Hundred more like you,
I'd hire a bouncer.

He finally signed!

All I have to do is
autograph these,

and I am officially a divorcée.

Whoa! Shots all around!

Everything but the...


The weather report did not
say anything about snow.

Hey! Don't get Jack drunk.

He's driving the first leg.

May Roxie finally
find a decent job.

And maybe find a
decent man too, huh?

Damn, that is good!

Right now, all I need is a guy

who can keep my pipes
from freezing.

How about you, Jack? You
wanna warm my pipes?

So, what are you waitin' for?

Why don't you sign these
bad boys right now?

Right now. Murray and I
will be your witnesses.

No. My paralegal cousin asked
me not to sign anything

until he had a chance
to look over them.

He's coming at eight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I want
everyone out by eight.

I've got places to go.
People to avoid.

Come on, Murr. This
is half way for Dave.

I hope you weren't expecting
a severance package.



Thank you.

Never having to work
in this shithole again

is severance package
enough for me.

Keep dissing my bar and I'll
leave it to you in my will.

Out of my way.
- That would be cruel and unusual, Murr.

Great, I got some...

para-what's-it-lawyer gonna
be my last customer?

♪ Loving you has
opened up a door ♪

♪ Let me walk inside
to you and then ♪

♪ Take me in your
arms forevermore ♪

♪ We may never pass
this way again ♪


- Hey, gorgeous.
- Hey, Bennett.

How are you doing?

Good. How are you?

- Hutch.
- Bennett.

Hey Jack, my man.
Good to see you.

Hey, dickless.

There she is! My beautiful girl.

Oh, did you miss me?

Oh, gosh.

You know, I'd like to
take her home with me.

Or do you wanna keep
everything that's mine?

Bennett, look...

So, still snowing outside, huh?

Like a metaphor.

Better not be snowin'.

We are all out of
here at eight sharp.

Jesus, do you ever think
about anybody but yourself?!

God! I mean, it's
freezing out here!

It's a simple question!

Why didn't you tell me that
it was gonna be snowing?

I am not dressed for this shit!

God, I am so tired of being the
only adult in this playground!

Careful. She could bite.

God, I hope so.

You serving?

Define serving.

Uh, cosmopolitan?

Hmm... Never read it.

A Sonoma Cab?

Never been there.

Drama queen.

You don't know me.

Easy, lady. Just the
name of the wine.

Okay, well can you
get me a glass?

This isn't wine.

You're a sharp one.

And then this guy. Epic.

Drags me all the way up
here to the mountains

on the back of a bike in
the middle of a blizzard

and then acts like it's
not even a big deal!


Aw, relax, babe.

This is just a roundabout
on the roadway of life.

Let's embrace it.

Jeez, you sound like a
fucking motivational poster.

What can I get you, comrade?

Beer. Uh, something in a bottle.

Mother/son issues,

severe maturity avoidance,

and an irrational
fear of abandonment,

which is exactly why you drag
me on these bullshit trips.

Oh, babe, please.

I am sorry that I abandoned
my immature fear

of an irrational mother.

Can we just please move on?

No! Not until I
process my feelings.

You better get that
shit processed fast.

I'm closing at eight.

I'll bet you were
spanked as a child.

Hell, I was spanked
just last week.

Do you mind if I play
pool while you process?

Go. Do whatever your id says.

Hey, beau? You playin'
with yourself?

Not anymore. You
got little ones.

Is it that obvious?

Folks around here call me Hutch.

- DR.
- DR?

What's that stand for?

Death Rack.

I earned it in a pool hall.
- Uh-oh.

Is that your lovely lady?


You're a lucky man.

Yeah. Used to be.

Uh, table for two?

There's a 90 minute wait.

It's snowing so bad out there.

Sit anywhere you want.

Goddammit, Roxie!

It looks like you're
staying open, Murr.

Relax, Brad and Janet.

Naked senior citizen twister
doesn't start 'til nine.

- Oh...
- Let's, uh...

You want to know what I think?

Oh, Christ no.

This is their
six-month anniversary

and they are all humped-out

and realize they have
to stare at each other

for the next millennium.

She read in Cosmo somewhere that
they need to keep it fresh.

So they decided to try a skank
bar for the first time.

Ten bucks say they get
it on in the restroom.

Hey, baby.

I just wanted to make
sure you were safe

with all the snow coming down.

Oh, sure.

Of course, we can.

I build a mean snowman.

What's your daddy doin'?

Wait. What?

I am so looking forward to this.

Well, maybe the storm will
blow through quickly.

I love the way you say blow.


Wanna know what Craig did?

Something ignorant
and unforgivable?

One night. One night, I
ask him to watch Lis

and he has some ho over.
In my bedroom, on my bed.

Lis is growing up thinking
this is how men act.

You gotta fix that, Roxie.

Have a nice guy
over for a change.

And, said ho is married.

And I'm guessing her
husband doesn't approve

of her extra-curriculars.
Imagine that.

But look at the bright side.

Maybe he'll shoot Craig
right out of your life.

I'm not that lucky.

♪ Testing, one, two, three

♪ La, la, la, la, la

Good evening, everybody.

I am your delicious DJ Beignet,

your karaoke host
for this evening.

And your resident philosopher...

for Murray's last
night in business.

No, not really. I can't stay.

Mostly because I can't
express in English

how much I hate Murray.

I'm just here to make sure
the karaoke's not broken,

like he breaks everything else.

Hey, you two in back!
No pushing.

Everybody gets a
chance to crowd surf.

♪ We maybe never pass
this way again ♪

♪ Never get...

So why is he closin' the bar?

Murray hates the nanny-state.
Refuses to go smoke-free.

A man of conviction.

A man who smokes
two packs a day.


Where did you learn to play?

- Your mama's school.
- Oh!

♪ I could feel my heart
beat twice as fast ♪

♪ It was just as
if I had a sign ♪

♪ Telling me that this
was love at last ♪

♪ Loving you has
opened up a door ♪

♪ Let me walk inside
you and then ♪

♪ Take me in your
arms forevermore ♪

♪ We may never pass this again ♪


What the actual fuck?

I have an announcement to make.

My friend and fellow Marine

is the winner of an honor
not easily attained.

A trophy only the
few, the proud,

even have the courage to pursue.

Should I call the cops?

I may have an outstanding
warrant or two.

So without further ado,

the trophy!

Private Nando Gonzales,

winner of the Chili Cook Off!

Oh, God in heaven!

And in honor of his victory...

Nando's buyin'.

Let's start this party!

Easy, big dogs! Easy, easy.

This bar is closed.

Not anymore, pops.

- God!
- Holy bejesus.

Look at these fucking things!

Are those real?

If only they were filled.

Get this shit in.


Okay... This is a first.

Oh, shit.

Stand back, fuck-nut.

Let a pro show you
how it's done.

Don't mind him, ma'am.
He's harmless.

Oh! Someone has manners.

That's refreshing.

And you have an
overactive libido.

That's tedious.

Overactive libido? That's
a good thing, right?

I like it.

Looks like trouble
with your lady.


Six ball.

Corner pocket.


Excuse me.


No, Officer, you don't get it.

No. He's barely able
to open his own beer,

let alone watch a small child!

No, I know about the snow.
That's my point!

No, no, no, no, no! Please
don't hang up on me!

Please don't do that!


You know, that was either your
old man or your old mother.

Nobody else makes a
woman quite that angry.

Folks call me DR.


What's the DR stand for?

Dumb Redneck.

So? Was it your
mother or your man?




All of the above.

He's home right now neglecting
the only good thing

he's ever done in his life.

So, what is it? Boy or girl?

A little girl.

- Oh!
- Emelisa.

What a pretty name for a pretty girl.
Look at that.

Something tells me
you're not so dumb.

Well, this officially sucks.

One more day isn't
gonna kill us.

I don't have one more day.

I have to be home
by noon tomorrow.

I thought we had the
entire weekend.

I suppose I could say
the car broke down.

Just say you got snowed in.

I told her the conference
was in San Diego.


Jesus, Neil.

I'm sorry. I couldn't tell her
where we were actually going.

I mean, one time in Chicago

she surprised me at my hotel
with nothing but a fur coat.

I mean, that's just the
kind of thing she does.

I know the kind of
thing she doesn't do.



Me likey.

I sure do hope DR
gives me a good tip.

Oh, shit. Sorry, Hutch.

I tried to get the cops
to go check on Lis,

but they're too busy pulling
people out of the snow.

Storm's getting ugly out there.

Hey, you.

Not sure if you've been
trying to call or text.

Cell phone service is
non-existent up here.

Listen. Roxy, I...

Excuse me, fuck-meister.

Pardon me for
eavesdroppin', ma'am,

but I know exactly
what you need.

You do?


Then why haven't you left yet?

That finger touches
me, I'm breakin' it.

Wait here.

I'll try later, all right?

I love you. Bye.

Hey, knob-job? What's with
you and the fuckin' phone?

Let's go!

What were you
talking about, bro?

All right.

There you go.

Knock them out,

my fine, fighting,
feeble-minded friend.

All right.

Listen up,

all you fuckin' alcoholics,

addicts, and social mis-fucks.

This goes out to
the special girl

serving us drinks
behind the bar.




Para bailar La Bamba!

Para bailar La Bamba!

♪ Necessita una poca de gracia ♪

♪ Una poco de gracia

Y otro casita de mamasita!

♪ Y arriba, arriba

♪ Arriba, arriba

♪ Y arriba, arriba

♪ Por ti seré

♪ Yo...

Holy puta de madre! I
don't know the lyrics!

Oh, shit!

♪ Yo no soy marinero

Yo no soy marinero!

Oh, soy capitán!

Dónde está mi capitán?

Fuck you, Skip!


♪ Bamba bamba

Be a-be a doll and hang
this up, will you?

Hey, big-tits! Can I
get a drink, please?

Come on!

Chili Cook Off, number one!

My chili better than yours!

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba...

Come on. I need a
little exercise.

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba bamba

Come on, Skip! White boys
don't have moves, bro!

People will think
we're, you know...

Neil, we are "you knowing".

Okay, we cannot be too careful.
All right?

You're kidding.

You wanna dance?
- Is this a trick question?

No, it's not.


♪ Y arriba, arriba


What's this bar called?!

I don't know, but I
love this place!

♪ Y arriba

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba bamba

Go on.

Yeah! I can dance too, people!

I'm not much of a dancer.

A dancer ain't what she needs.

I can sing! I can dance!

You name it, I can
fucking do it!

♪ Bamba bamba

Last night in business.
Now or never.

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba bamba

♪ Bamba

Para bailar La Bamba!

♪ Para bailar La Bamba

You got bamba? I got bamba!

We all got bamba!

Drinks on the house,

Nando is in the bar!

Why didn't you dance
with your wife?

She's not actually my wife.

Oh. Your ring.

I just assumed you were...
- We're on business.

What kind of business?

♪ Bamba bamba

The kind of business
that's none of yours.


Fuck off.


I swear, Hutch, all
men are evolved

from the scum under
Murray's bar.

Except you.

Give me a drink!


No, Officer. We
still have power.

I don't know, about ten of us.



Oh, God!

Hey everyone! Listen up!

Got some bad news.

The snowplow that was headed
here has slid off the road,

which basically means

there won't be another
plow until the morning.

God dammit.

And since we still have power
we are not a priority.

We are officially snowed in.
- Oh, Jesus.

Drinks are on Murray.

Just kidding.


Y'all got a
priest-sicle out there.


Here. Here, here, here.

He was just sitting in his car,

freezing his little
white ass off.

Excuse me. His holy
white ass off.

Oh, leave me outside, please.

Come on. Come on.

Murr, blankets?

Yeah, yeah. They're packed.

- Where?
- In a box.

- What box?
- Hell if I know.

All right, everybody!
Start digging.

We're looking for blankets.

Don't dig too much.

Leave me be!

I may be possessed by demons!

I think he's borderline

Can we see if we can get
some coffee, please?

- On it.
- Grab the Jameson.

Hey, hey! Hands off the Jameson!

I found the Joe!

Dawn, can you brew it?


I mean you know how.
That's all I'm saying.

Oh, what is...?

Hey! Put that back!

Yeah, fucking sex swing, baby!

Sex swing? Idiot! It's macramé.

I made it myself.

Hey, hey, hey! The '70s
were my best decade.

Yeah, you weren't
fucking kidding.

Really, Murr?


They're not mine! - Uh-huh...

They got left here one night!


Oh, God!

Here. - Is your faith strong?!

Are you a good Catholic?

Not since the eighth
grade, Father.

I wasn't all that
good even then.

If I am possessed,

then you are also ripe for
possession from my demons!

You're about 50 years
too late, Padre.

Padre, I promise this
isn't what it looks like.

You must leave me be...
for your own safety.

Found it!

All right, Padre. Drink up.
Drink up.

Come on. Come on.

Do it.

You want to know what I think?

That you want me
really, really bad?

The nut job Father over there...

has repressed sexual desires.

Probably a latent homosexual.

His inability to express
them in a healthy way

has led to high
levels of paranoia

bordering on schizophrenia.


Really coming down
out there, huh?

I couldn't see two feet!

I can't tell you how thankful
I am I saw your lights.

- Cosmo, please.
- Coming right up. And you?

Whatever my sister's not having.

I want to welcome
our new guests!

Something for
everyone, my friends.


Hey people, folks,
saints and sinners,

listen up!

Here's a story about
a lost soul...

Yeah, I know. The
weather's horrible.

I'll call you as
soon as possible.

All right. Bye.


♪ The Devil made me do it

♪ And the Devil made me do it ♪

Just calling my girlfriend

to let her know I was
running a little late.


Yeah. Girlfriend.

♪ It won't get me far

Why does every man I meet
think it's okay to lie to me?

♪ Well, the Devil
made me do it ♪

♪ Well, the Devil
made me do it ♪

♪ Do it again, and again
and again, and again ♪

♪ And again, and
again, and again ♪


So, what brings two
such refined ladies

to a bar in the
middle of a blizzard?

Because I feel like dancing.

♪ Again, and again, and again ♪


Who's man enough?

I think I drew the
longest straw!

Damn! Now that's what
I'm talking about.

How... how did you know?

Yo, fuck-lips! Where you at?

Your buddy doesn't
know, does he?

Ma'am, please.

I work in a bar.

I don't ask, I don't tell.

Thank you.


Looks like I interrupted
something freaky.

Relax. It's a line
for the phone.

- Yeah, bro.
- Me...

What's with you and
that fucking phone?

I'm calling a bro.

Are you holding out on me?

Hi, Dave.

Yeah, I know.

No. Don't risk it.

I suppose being married one
more day won't kill me.

I must keep it pure!

If not, my demons may leave
me and possess others.

Hell, yeah. Bring it on.

I can't be possessed enough.

What's your name?



What does that stand for?

Demon Wrangler.


Wrangler starts with a W.


Tell that to my mother.


- Ah, hey.
- Ah, shit!

Crazy old man.

Oh, we used to do that
dance thing all the time.

Yeah, let's not talk about it.

I swear...

the planets are
aligned against me

and have me bent over Uranus.

My cousin can't make it.
The roads are closed.


You're a lawyer, could you
look these over for me?

Excuse me. I'm trying
to visualize Uranus.

Don't be a pig. I'm serious.

I have to recuse myself on
the basis of my sobriety.

I wouldn't want anything to go
wrong with your proceedings.

You know, and I'd want to
be able to employ my...

the needed, you know, means
to advance and, uh...

protect all of your
legitimate claims

and rights and objectives.


I got a nice buzz. Sorry.

Rox, uh...

You mind if I take
a look at 'em?

Aw, thanks, Hutch.
I appreciate it.

It's just I need somebody
who isn't, um...

A barfly. I understand.

No. I didn't say that, Hutch.

It's just...

Why don't you try that guy?

He looks smart.

Hutch, that isn't what I meant.

What do you need?

I've got a serious case of
the fucking munchies, dude.

I need something to nosh.

Yeah. You got anything to eat?

Trust me. There's nothing
in there that's edible.

Oh! Fucking score!

Hey! I'm saving those chocolate
churros for the drive!

Fine, dude.

You won't dance with me,

but you go ahead and
dance with the waitress.

Just one question, Neil.

Am I prettier?

Than the waitress? Hell, yes.


Prettier than your wife.

What difference does that make?

It may not make sense to you,
Neil, but it's important to me.

Well, you've seen her. I
mean, what do you think?

It doesn't matter what I think.

It matters what you think.

Dawn, look. You are ten
years younger than she is.

So you're saying I am prettier?


I don't want to say that. Okay?

Why not?

It just feels wrong. Like
I would be betraying her.

Wait. Let me get this straight.

Saying I'm prettier
is betraying her,

but screwing my
brains out isn't.

Okay, newsflash, Dawn.

I haven't screwed
your brains out yet.

Newsflash, Neil.

I won't lose any sleep
waiting for it to happen!


Neil, is it?

I need a favor.

Forget it. I needed
a smart guy anyway.

Now, hang on.

I'm a VP.

Fortune 500?


Sure. What do you need?

I've got some divorce papers
that could use a smart eye.

Think you could take a
look at 'em for me?

No problem.

I needed some reading
material anyway.

You're very sweet.

But I can feel the waves
of crazy coming off you.

I think I'll stay down here.

We don't see your type
in here that often.

Excuse me?

I mean so business-like in this
small little mountain town?

What, are you an accountant?

Close. Lawyer.

What a coincidence.

If I had said plumber, would that
have been a coincidence too?

Bennett Rex, litigator.

Oh! My mistake.

And apologies.

Have you met Jack?

Actually I did.

I've been asking him for advice,

but he doesn't talk
much, does he?

You should buy him a drink.
You'd be amazed.

You're serious?

I'm very serious.

He's the wisest jackalope
I've ever met.

Uh, can I get you another?

Murray and I go way back.

And there was a time when I'd...

Every night I'd set up
the karaoke here, and...

then one night he
decides that...

I'm not worthy of
a woman's love.


Stay clear of this guy.

Okay. What was up with that?

Let's jet say I, uh...

I messed up a few years back.

Oh! And whatever my
friend Jack likes.



Yeah, my sister's just a little
upset with me right now.

Now, what would a
pretty lady like you

do to piss off her
own flesh and blood?

I killed our mother
three hours ago.

How's scumbag?

Jealous hubby shoot him yet?

What, Roxy?

He left.

He went out in this to take
his piece of ass home.

Oh, Christ. He didn't
take Lis out in this?

No! He left her home!


Hutch, you've got
to get me home.

All right, wait, Roxy.
Calm down.

No, no, no, no. Look.

What if somebody breaks in?

Or, what if the power goes out?

Or, what if she falls
and she needs me?

Hutch, you've got a four-wheel drive.
You've got to get me home now.

Okay, Roxanne, Roxanne, calm
down, shh, listen to me.

Listen to me.

If I could take you
home, I would.

You know that.

But we're stuck here. Okay?

So let's take this
one thing at a time.

First off she's not a baby.
She's ten.

- She's just a little girl.
- Wait, wait. Shh.

And she's a smart ten. She's clever.

You raised her that way.

Didn't you tell
me just last week

that she made dinner
for both of you?

That doesn't mean
that she's equipped

to deal with a blizzard.
- Wait. She is. Listen.

Second. No one's breaking in.

If we can't get to her,
neither can anyone else.

Does she have a fire going?
Lots of wood?

But the pipes are frozen.

What does she have in
the fridge to drink?

Juice boxes. A dozen or so.

Well, sh-she's in better
shape than we are.


- Okay.
- All right. Don't worry.

Hey, with any luck,

he'll freeze to death out there.

That'd be nice.

No! No!


I think the demon's
coming out to play.

All my life I was
supposed to be a priest.

And I took on all
the thorny issues.

Sold the church's
position with vigor.

Traditional families.

No gays.

No atheists. Women
in their place.

No unclean thoughts.
Certainly no impure actions.

The infallibility of the clergy.

Not a club I want to be part of.


That's the issue.

It used to be...
an exclusive club.

And then he came along.

- Your demon?
- No! The Pope!

See, now that dude? I like him.

Of course you do!
Everybody does!

But he's messing it all up...

with all of that...
accept everyone...

and love everyone.

It goes against everything
I've ever been taught.

Tell me, Father. About how many
of these altar boys you done...

Blow it out your ass!

Good for you, Father.

So... how did you end up...

I was about to deliver my sermon last...


I realized that...

I didn't know what to say.



So I got in my car...


drove for two days.

And I feel I should
keep driving...

until God shows me the answer.

How do you know...

that your answer
isn't right here?


Maybe this is exactly...

where your God wants you to be.

You've got to be
frigging kidding me.


Sweetie, are you finished
with your theological tag

with the schizophrenic
priest here?

I really wanna get out of here.

Sweetness... we can't leave.

I forgot the chains
for the motorcycle.

Typical! I have to
remember everything!

As always, I'm truly sorry.

Ladies room, please?

I wouldn't know.

You're the first lady
we've had in here.

- Aw.
- All right, all right.

Looks in order.

At least for you.

What do you mean
at least for me?

Your ex is getting
the shaft, you know?

Isn't that the point?

Why does he only get
to see your daughter

every other Sunday?

Because I'm the mom and
he's the douche-nozzle.

Doesn't matter. She's
still his family.

His family he
conveniently forgets

every time he feels
like screwing around.

So, I'm guessing we really
don't matter that much.

It would kill me...

to only see my kids
every other weekend.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey DR!

You gonna purge the demon,
make up with your girl,

or get back to the game?

Hey, you touch my balls,
I'll break your stick.

That was uncalled for.


You know I'm trying, right babe?

Have you even bothered

calling that therapist
I asked you to do?

Not exactly.

How do you expect to be on
my plane of understanding

if you won't get counseling?

My plane of understanding
is flying as level as ever.

Oh God, DR.

How many times do I
have to tell you,

we are all blind
to our own issues?

Is this your passive aggressive
way of ending our relationship?

No! I just want to go back

to when passive aggressive
was our favorite position.

And I just want you
to catch up to me!

To mature with me!

And to get me out of
this shit hole of a bar!

Babe, if I can be
honest with you...

I think I'm about as caught
up as I'm ever gonna get.

And we ain't going anywhere.

We're stuck here in this storm.


If you won't take me home,

I will find someone that will.

You ever do anything
dumb for love?

Not yet.

But the night is still young.


I'm Autumn.

It's a shame about
this storm, isn't it?

You know, when it gets cold
like this, my nipples...

With all due respect,

do I look like I need
another slut in my life?

Mind if I bother you, Father?


If there are any
demons inside me...

they've surely
passed out by now.

My mother was a
God-loving woman.

Prayed all the time.

Like she and God were
on a first name basis.

"Well, God," she'd say...

"What should I make for dinner?"

Or, "Hey, God..."

what's good on TV?"

Past tense?

She died today.

I guess... technically

I'm sorry.

She had a massive stroke.

I gave God...

one month to speak
on her behalf.

To say something, one
little thing, anything,

that she was still in there.

But nothing.

She had a living
will that said...

she didn't want
to be kept alive.

Sounds like she knew
what she wanted.

She did.


one month to the day...

I made the decision.

And now your sister blames you.

She knows it's what Mama wanted.

She's just looking for one
more crime to pin on me.

But I did the right thing.
I know I did.

Didn't I? I know I did.

Why did God do that?

Why didn't He say
anything to me?

Why didn't He talk?

It's okay. It's okay.

You know what I think?

I think your mama...

went straight to heaven...
a month ago.

And she's been looking
at you ever since...

and wondering...

what are you so
afraid of down here?

I bet if she were here...

your mama would tell you...

to go find yourself
some happiness.

And stop worrying
about everybody else.


You know what, Father?

You're not so
possessed after all.

- Oh!
- Whoops!

The hell's going on, Murr?


I might have scheduled the
power to be turned off.

I was expecting to
close at eight!

You got a flashlight?

[Roxanne] They're
probably packed.

All right, everybody!
Back to the boxes!

- Oh, jeez. Come on.
- Great!

- Ow! God damnit!
- Sorry! Sorry!

- This is ridiculous.
- Be careful!

I've got a lamp down
here somewhere.

Hey! I think I found some
more chocolate churros!

Hey! Put those away!

I mean that! I'm serious!

I'm not eating them!

I found something
that has a switch!


Keep that away from me!

Come on, come on! Put it...

- There we go.
- God damnit!

Have you been
eavesdropping again?

Fuck no. I have super
Marine hearing.

Of course you do.

Just one question. Why even
get a fucking divorce?

Just let me pop a
cap in his ass.

You know, I'm stunned they
let you play with guns.

It's easy.

Bam-bam. Two to the head.

And you would do that
for little old me?

It'll cost you.

And let me guess, you
don't want money.

Oh, seven minutes
in heaven, baby.


See, with my luck,

you'd give me the herps, and
you'd put him in a coma

so I'd have to spend the next
50 years wiping his ass.

So, no thanks.

I'll take my chances
with divorce.


This blizzard has
everyone on edge.

I was in the ladies
room and, hey...

that counter is still there.

Sturdy as ever.

Look, I can't risk this.

I may not be sure
about my wife, but...

I love my kids.

Come on, it doesn't
have to be a big deal.

I'm trying to say sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Thank you.

Sorry I ever fell
for your flirting.

Thing is, comrade...

after a year,

the second wife sounds
exactly like the first.


Excuse me everyone!


It's now two AM and the
bar is officially closed.

- Yay!
- No, no, no.

Although I'm sure
Murray's gonna stay open

until the plow comes.

Yeah, screw that! Everyone out!

I'd like to offer one last
toast to Murray's karaoke bar!

To Murray.

May life in the sun

offer you slightly less
angst than this place.

Oh, hear, hear.
- I'll drink to that.

- Speech!
- Speech!

Let's hear it, you old fuck!

- Speech! Speech!
- Oh, jeez, no.

Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

Most of you I don't even know

and to be honest, I don't
ever care to know!

Especially Autumn here. Talks more
than my last two wives combined.

For those of you I do know...
like, uh, like Hutch here.

I've tried to get rid of...
since day one, and...

And Roxy, who started working
here when she was what?


- 20.
- 20.

Should have quit on
the day you started.

Oh, maybe I'll think of you...
down the road.



Look, there's someone here
tonight I've known since...

since third grade. Someone who's
always been there for me.

Until I fucked everything up.

Oh, Bennett, I'm a... I'm
a card-carrying asshole.

I should have stayed
away from her.

I'll take that
regret to my grave.

I hope someday
you'll forgive me.


What the hell?

Drinks on the house 'til
the plows come home!

Everything except my Jameson!

I can sing the woman's part,
'cause I can harmonize.

No. No, no. I'm
gonna do the woman.

I mean, you know...

You don't have to do that.
You sure?

- Yeah!
- I don't think you can do that.

I think I can.

I think I've done
a woman before.


- You don't mean that.
- No, I don't mean that.

So you gonna be okay with that?

I'm gonna do the woman's voice!

- What?
- Nothing.

♪ ...and I've rambled

♪ and I've rodeoed around


♪ I never once thought
of settling down ♪

♪ But darling, the moment
I laid eyes on you ♪

- Don't look at me.
- Okay.

That's fairly messed up.

♪ ...through...

Oh, yeah.

♪ Let's ride into the
sunset together ♪

She doesn't want him.

He doesn't want her.

Trust the voice of
experience on that one.

♪ ...when the day is through... ♪


you just get tired of
the fight, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, that's nice.


All right!

Oh, Neilie.



Oh boy. Here we go.

It's your wife.

She'd like to hear
your explanation

for why you're snowed in
at a shit hole bar with me

instead... of being in San
Diego at a conference.

Oh man, that shit is fucked up.

Sure is.

He fucking gets busted cheating,

doesn't even get his
fucking knob polished.

- Oh, fuck!
- Ew.

Hi, sweetie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A little birdie told
me you're a lawyer.

Yes. Same little birdie told
me you'd need some help

looking over divorce papers.

I don't have a lot of money.

Fine. I'll make it pro bono.

Sounds dirty, but it means free.


Thank you.

So sweet.

I cannot believe how
attractive you are.


What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa. Uh, this is...

This is not happenin'.

Am I losing my touch?

There's not a single
man in this bar

that finds me attractive.

Nuh-uh. The brown one.

This one?


It's signed Paula. Do you care?


It could be signed
by OJ Simpson.

As long as it saves me
40 dollars at Vicky's,

I don't give a damn.

You have a girlfriend!
I knew it!


She doesn't need
to know a thing.

No one needs to know...
except DR.

I don't want to
have sex with you

and I don't have to justify it!

All right?

Just fess up! You
have a girlfriend!


- A wife?
- No!

Are you attracted
to your mother?


Are you attracted
to your father?

Fuck no.

Can you get it up?

I can get it up... just fine.

Well, clearly you're not gay.

I mean, I have an
excellent gaydar.

That didn't go well.

You are gay?


Are you sure?


Get out!

Get the hell out of here!

Neither did that.


I deny these feelings.

I don't own this.

Just making sure
you're still okay!

Sorry I woke you up.

And neither will this.

I'll take it from here.


Any signs of your daddy yet?

♪ I got your machine

♪ after only two rings again

I'm sure he'll be home soon.

Go back to sleep, baby.

I love you!

It's bullshit!

♪ You're not with your friends ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't got any

♪ Did you finally
get a job, baby? ♪

♪ Hmm, not likely

♪ Who are you without me? ♪

Sometimes, it's just
not worth the fight.

♪ I'll tell you what I
see, you ignorant pig ♪

♪ You're letting me down




♪ You don't even know

♪ Don't try to hold on
'cause I'm letting you go ♪

♪ You ignorant pig

♪ DR

♪ It's best you come clean

♪ Just tell me everything

♪ Whatever's been happening

♪ Yeah, I'm listening

♪ Oh really, It's nothing? ♪


DR, stop acting so childish.

You're just doing
this for attention.

I'll make out with
that slut over there.

And you watch.

Excuse me?

♪ Taking calls in
the next room ♪

♪ You're as subtle
as a typhoon ♪

Oh, fucking yeah!

If she did that three
nights a week,

I'd keep this joint open.

♪ You're offing up big,
you don't even know ♪

Fuck, yeah!

Ten bucks says she's
back within ten seconds.

Oh, I don't know. She
was really pissed off.

You're on.

- You're on.
- Nine.

- Really? You guys are betting on this?
- Eight.




Four, three, two, one!

Does she work for
you or something?

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you all!

And you are an anal
retentive commitment phobia

that's bigger than this
bar's inadequacy complex.

And you, you
passive-aggressive ass-clown

who thinks he's
into doing dudes.

But your real problem is...

that you are in denial

about your heterosexual desires.

And if you think for one second

that I actually wanted
to jump on you...

- all I wanted was a ride home!
- Shut up!

Shut shut the fuck up!


Oh, shit.

Well done.

Just hang on there, cowboy.

Are you a butt bandit?

I, uh...

Is it true?

- Yes.
- I knew it!

I fucking knew it!

- You knew?
- Yeah, baby!

Two hundred bones. Who's
your fucking daddy?

You fucking knew?

Knew? Fuck yeah!

I had a bet going with the guys.

And they just fucking lost!

You are such a fucking asshole.


How many times you watch
me in the shower?

You know you want me.

Never, bro.

You're not my type.

What? I'm fucking
everybody's type.

Isn't that right, ladies?
You all fucking want me!


My first gay friend.

I gotta insta this shit.


So, uh...

You with anybody?


Marco, for seven months now.


Wait... Ew, gross.

Marco from the auto pool?

That dude's fucking bent?

Ugh, I knew it!


Marco your brother.

No way is my brother
fucking queer!

I will fucking kill you!

He hit on me first!
He hit on me!

He hit on me!

Fuck! My brother's not gay!

At your family picnic, man!
I'm sorry!

In my parents' house? I
will fucking kill you!

You invited me, man!

You need to sit the hell down.

You tried to set me up
with your sister, man.

How is this any
fucking different?

I think now would be a
good time to stop talking.

Come on. Sit down.

We played with
army men together.

God damnit.

What's wrong?

It's coming!

- What's coming?
- The snowplow?

No! The baby!

What baby?

What was that?

I didn't tell you
on account of...

I knew you'd be mad.

Mad?! Ya think?!

Danice, don't leave me!

All right, everyone just relax.

Most first labors take
like 8 to 10 hours.

We got plenty of time.

You know, you really
are a cold lady,

shutting your sister out
when she's this vulnerable?

Her hiding it clearly shows
that she is not ready

for the responsibility
of her first child.

It's not her first.
It's her third.

And the last one
came in 45 minutes.

You deceitful slut!

- Shut up!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Roxy! 911. It's worth a shot.

I'm on it.

Hey, hey! Come here, come here.

Your sister's got issues.

Hell, she's got an
entire subscription.

Right now, right now...

we just need to get that
baby out of her safely.

Okay? All right?

We'll get her through this,

and then we'll take
care of the rest later.

All right? Come on.

- Sissy?
- Danice!


I'm here, sissy.

DR, get her up on the stage.
Lay her down.

- You got it, bro.
- Help Danice keep her calm.

You're okay, honey.

Adultery Guy, boil some water.

Naked Girl, try to
find some scissors.

Hey, don't think you can
bark your orders at me.

Go get some fucking scissors!

Uh, Nasty Chick, get some ice.

Bring the bucket in case all
that beer comes back up.

Homophobe, blankets, pillows
if you can find them.

- I gotta make a phone call.
- I got it. I got it. I got it.

In the boxes.

Them demons in him! And
he'll give my baby the gay!

In the box, in the box.

Nando, pillows, and
sheets, and blankets.

As many as you can find.

And Father... - Yeah.

A prayer, if you please.

Come on. Turn her around.
Bring her to me.

Turn her around towards me.

All right. Turn her around.

Just breathe.

Thank you.

No, this time isn't
about my husband!

We have a woman giving birth!


DR, how's everything
on the top half?

It's good.

DR, the hell that mean?

Doctor, of course.


They're not gonna make it.
They're not coming.

Okay. That's okay. That's okay.

We're doing just fine.

Okay, but it's been, like...
10 years.

At least I have done
this before, though.

Me too.

Since when do you have kids?

I don't.

Then how do you know so much?

There's an app for that.


Roxy... I'm a nurse.

No shit?

No shit. Keep breathing.



Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where you going?

You don't need me.

Yeah. I need you. With me.


Okay, okay.

I'd say you're about eight
centimeters dilated.

Two centimeters to go.

You two staying over here?

I never go south of the
border without a passport.

Definitely out of
my jurisdiction.

I want you guys to know, just...

It really... - Hey!

Nobody gives a shit.

Evidently, the Pope thinks
I shouldn't either.

No, it's just...

It's just what Autumn said.

You know?

It's not like I'm, whatever-

like I'm some closet case.

Or in denial.


I'm proud of being a Marine.

And I'm proud to be gay!

All right?

If anyone's got a
problem with that...

Hey, hey, hey. I'm
proud of you too.

But check this place out.

All right?

You know who comes in here?

Bikers. Rednecks.

People who basically
would make politicians

look morally virtuous.

So, in the morning...

the plows are gonna
clear off the roads...

and you're gonna be free.

Outta here.

So like I said...

Who gives a shit?

- Danice?
- Yes, baby?

I'm sorry I said
you killed Mama.

It's okay.

I knew she didn't want to be
hooked up to no machines,

but I was just pissed...

'cause you was
always her favorite.


She didn't.

Are you kidding me? She
liked you the best.

- Nuh-uh.
- Yuh-huh.

You were her baby.

You were her favorite
from the moment

she pushed your way
into this world.


Really, really.

Okay. They're comin' faster now.


You know I'm not made to stay
home with no babies, right?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You gonna help me
with this one too.


Right? - Shh, shh.

Shh, shh, hey.

Why don't we just worry about
having this one first?


Now it's time to start working.

What the fuck you think
I've been doin'?

Okay, next contraction,
I need you to push.

Roxy, try the ambulance
again, okay?

And bring me a bucket
for the placenta.

We have to save it
for the paramedics.

Okay? And push! Push!

There you go. Good girl.
Good, good, good.

Reminds me of my second.

We almost didn't make it.

And I thought we would deliver
him by the side of the road.

Marco, are you there?

Pick up.

I'm sitting here wondering
where I fucked up.

Was it the time we
crossed swords,

peeing in the backyard?

I shouldn't have
called your wife.

And I shouldn't
fire you on Monday.


But I guess we all do
what we gotta do, huh?

Is it because I always
call you my bitch?

Is it that time that I dressed
you up like a little girl?

Wait, that would
fucking make me gay.

Dude. Whatever.

Just call me back, dude. Okay?

I can fucking talk
you out of it.

You don't wanna watch
the joy of birth?


Right after I shave my
head with a cheese grater.

Too many fucked-up
people in this world

to bring another one in, right?


I know someone who's already
brought in two kids too many.

What you did with the
phone was brave.


Guy couldn't make up his mind.

You did it for him.

Push! There you go. Good girl!
Good girl!

And breathe.

Can I ask you a favor?

It'll cost you.

It's risky.

I'm gonna need
hazardous duty pay.

There's a sturdy counter
in the bathroom.

Copy that.

Shh, shh.

Okay, only a few more.
Only a few more.

You're almost there.
Come on, push.

Good, good, good, good.

Okay, and breathe. And
breathe, and breathe.

It's a secret recipe, man.

It's been passing down through
generations through generations.

So what generation are you?

Third generation chili maker?


And it's not just the chili.

- No?
- No.

I'm death on ribs, barbecue,

omelets, all of it.

I should have known
you were gay.

I enjoyed the show.

I bet you don't see
naked women too often.

You'd be surprised.

- Really?
- Sure.

Insecure women,
afraid of rejection,

trying to re-affirm
their sexuality

by seducing the unobtainable.

Women trying to work
through their child abuses

and approaching a father figure.

What a head-hump.

So, women with latent
homosexuality issues

operating through the parameter

of what they perceive
to be a safe man?

Oh yeah. We get that
crap all the time.

Is that my car?

What did you do to my car?

Strangest fucking
thing, I tell you.

I went out to my truck
to get a condom...

and I saw an icicle
break off the roof...

and crash through a really
nice car's windshield...


knock the shifter
into neutral...

bounce off the dash board...

and unleash the parking brake.


And now it's rolling
towards a cliff.



Strangest fucking
thing, I tell you.

I've been waitin' for this.

Get in there!

Here comes the head!

Jeez, I think that's the head.

That's the head. One
more push, honey.

Okay, jeez, all right.

- Give me some light.
- Got this. Hold on.

There you go.

There you go. There you go.

Good. Good, good, good.


Okay, give me the wrap.
There we go.

Where is she?

She's in the bathroom.

With Skip.

The few... the proud...


You fuckin' rock. Yeah.

Stop talking.


What is it?

It's a baby.

Ten fingers, ten toes.

Come on, Hutch.

Don't tease us.

It's a girl.

My first girl!


I'm gonna name her after Mama.

Oh, honey.

Hutch, all this time, I never
knew you were a nurse.

All this time, I never asked you

what it is that you fixed.

I was always talking about...

my own problems, huh?


That's it. Starting tomorrow...

no more talk about...



Starting tomorrow, I won't...

I mean...

The bar won't even be around.

You won't be able
to see me anymore.

Unless you ask me out
on a proper date.

Think you can handle that?


will you go...

May we have a moment
of silence, please?

Balls fucking deep.

Stop talking, please.

Heavenly Father...

we thank you for this...

glorious blessing.

What the fuck?

- Amen.
- Amen.

Oh, yes.


Would you...

Would you...

I haven't done this
in a long time.

Take your time.


would you go out on a
proper date with me?

I'd love to.

Ain't this romantic?


I took a look at
your divorce papers.

I left them right
there behind the bar.

Please tell me
everything's okay.

Everything's cool.

Feel free to sign at will.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I'll be right back.


Brains and beauty.

And you're nice to
waitresses too.

- Are you flirting with me?
- Is it working?

Is it over with your girlfriend?

Way over.

Then it's working.

You know,

before tonight, I probably
would have crossed the street

to keep from walking past
someone that looked like you.

Probably would have maced you
just to be on the safe side.

You know, you wouldn't
be the first.



I would've missed meeting
someone worth knowing.

What about you?

What about me?

Well, I'd bet that you are
professional, responsible.

- Oh, that I am.
- Yeah.

Always watching
out for everyone.

Always taking care
of everyone's needs.

There's a question
I have for you.

All right, Miss

Who's, um...

Who's watchin' out for you?

- Seriously?!
- Fucking A!

I called the ambulance.

They said they'd be
here in an hour.

Good. That baby needs
to get looked at.

There's always
risk of infection.

Don't forget Jack.

My apologies.

How could he forget Jack?

Well, well done, Nurse Hatch.

- Indeed.
- Nurse Hutch.

And his lovely assistant.

Ah. Lovely partner.

Another round? - Uh-huh.

Why not?

Now, that's the saddest
thing I've ever seen.

There's another one back there.


Where is Murray, anyway?

I think he's hiding
out in the storeroom.

I have never shown
this to anyone.

It's my bucket list.


20 things I want to do before I
end up in the old folk's home.

I made that list,
like, ten years ago.

In that time, I've
managed to do one.

Which one?

Get a manicure.

And not these nails. It
was like four years ago.

I know, I know.

Oh, it's pathetic, huh?

Well, let's look at this, okay?

Number one, Grand Canyon.


- Sushi?
- Maybe the cooked kind.

Sing in public. Swim
with the dolphins.

Wait, wait. Here on number 20.

What's this word
after "multiple"?

You know what?
You're teasing me.

You know...

a guy like me could get you
everything on this list.

I have... houseplants.

Let 'em die.

My sister?

Needs to grow up and take
care of her own kids.

Or give them to
somebody else who can.

Oh, you make it sound so simple.

It can be.

But there's one condition.

And what's that?

This list.

It can only be done on the
back of a motorcycle.

I'm supposed to do number 20
from the back of a motorcycle?

Just riding the motorcycle
is gonna give you number 20.

Oh, my God.

What's with you two anyway?

Murray and I, we
had a friendship

that goes back to
the third grade.

I mean, we were... the
odd couple even then.

I was studious.

He was always the
life of the party.

He dated a lot...

and I was more discerning.

Yeah, I could see him as
a serious chick magnet.

That was succinctly put.

And then it happened.

Right here in this bar.

I met her.

She was the girl of my dreams.

She was beautiful.

It was wonderful.


she succumbed to
Murray's charms, and...

I had to leave.

I haven't been back since then.

Actually... until tonight.

How long were you two together?

Four glorious days.


- Yeah?
- I'm in.

But I have one
condition for you.


You have to tell me what
the DR really stands for.

I'm not getting on the
back of a bike with you

and not know your name.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Oh, my God.

Wooh, sign me up.

You had a hot weekend...

and when she moved on,

you've been, like,
nursing this grudge

against your bestie
all this time?

When you say it like that,
it sounds ridiculous.

I could rephrase it if you like,

but I think it'll
just sound the same.

She... didn't move on.

She was seduced.

We've all been seduced
at some point.


Murray? Where are ya?

Oh, lord.


So we're the only
ones who got any.

Don't be fucking hatin'.

I'm gonna pour myself
a glass of wine.


Ooh! - Fucking brew.

She can still walk?

But first, time to
respect the urethra.

Semper Fi, piss or die!


Oh, man.


I think I left the bucket of
placenta in the men's room.


I should probably tell him.

No, no, no, no, no!

You're right. You're right.
Don't tell him.

What the fuck was that?!

Did you piss yourself?!

Fuck you, man!

Oh no!

Jesus Christ!

Murray! Help me! Murray!

- Oh, God.
- Murray! Murray!


Murray. Murray.

It's too late.

- No!
- No!

- Bennett. Bennett!
- No! No!

Bennett, he's been
gone too long.

- Oh, no!
- - There's nothing we can do.

Oh, God, Murray!

- Roxy, Roxy, Roxy.
- No!

- He's gone, baby.
- No!

- Go get the priest!
- No! No!

He was a Catholic
when he was a kid!

Maybe that'll help.

He must have passed about the
same time the baby was born.


You can't do this to me!


God damnit.

Fuck you, Murray!

Fuck you!

I didn't expect you to die.

I thought that we could make up.

You know?

He wasn't supposed to die.

He was just...

Jesus Christ.

I'm gonna miss you,
you motherfucker!

I'm gonna miss you, god damnit!

You rotten prick
of a best friend!

Okay, okay, Bennett, okay.

I'm really, really,
really gonna miss him!

It's okay.

He's at peace. He's at peace.

Oh heavenly hosts above,

I call upon thee.

God damnit!

So, what now?

What happens to this place?

Murray always said he kept
his will in the till.

Did Murray have any family?


Just a string of
pissed-off ex-wives.

That's it. That's gotta be it.

"I, Murray..."

being of drunk mind
and ripped body...

leave this as my last will.

Since I don't have a family...

I leave everything... I have

to the people who
became my family.

"My house, I leave to Roxy."

"My house, I leave to Roxy...

under the condition that she never
lets that asshole live there."

You deserve better, Rox.

"Maybe you should start"

by looking in the general
area of the pool table.

My bar, I leave to Bennett.

I never had a brother...

but if I did...

he'd only have been...

half the man that you were.

I love you, buddy.

The bar is yours.

Sell it... run it...

torch it...

turn it into that
roller disco rink

that we always talked about.

Whatever you want.

"Just promise me that you'll find
some happiness for yourself."


And to Hutch... I leave Jack.

Take good care of him, buddy.

"And don't forget to do
that thing he likes."

Signed, Murray.

"Over and out. P.S."

"Please bury me...
with a Jameson's."


What am I gonna do with the bar?

Hire me.

I'm out in two months.

I'll cook... and Marco
could tend the bar.

I'll need somebody to
run it day by day.



You bet your ass. I need a job.

I've got a house to pay for.


Only if I can bring Jack.



Murray's Bar... is
officially open!

And starting now...

there's no more
smokin' in this bar.


Neil, right?

Get your Goddamn feet
off of my booth.

Roxanne, you better sign
those divorce papers quick.

You know your ex-husband can
get half of Murray's house.

I feel like this is the
start of a whole new life.

Roxanne? It's for you.

Hold on.

She said it's urgent.


Is it my daughter?

♪ I'm gonna pray

♪ that we stay
here for a while ♪

♪ I'm gonna dream

♪ 'til I wake up with a smile ♪

♪ 'Cause it's been too long

♪ without a song

♪ I'm gonna sing

♪ every day that I'm alive

♪ I'm gonna feel,
I'm gonna feel ♪

♪ Everything I have inside

♪ 'Cause it's been too long

♪ without a song

♪ and I'm barely hangin' on


♪ Life give you chances...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Wait, wait, wait.
Sit down.

Sit down. There you go.

♪ Live in the moment
before it's too late ♪

What's wrong?

Craig's in the hospital...

in critical condition.


His car...

slid... and there was a tree...

and they... they found...

All right. Shh.

Shh, it's okay.

It's all right.

It's okay. Shh.


I have to go!

He's not responding.

I have to go.

We have to go. We have
to get Lis first.



I need you.

♪ I'm gonna dream

♪ 'til I wake up with a smile ♪♪

[music fades