Last American Horror Show (2018) - full transcript

[whooshing and banging]

[ominous tones]

- [Friend] Are you sure you're
gonna go through with this?

- Of course, I have to.

- [Friend] You don't
have to do anything.

I mean, you don't know this guy.

He could be a creep.

Or worse, a mass murderer.

- Well you know what, I want to.

And besides, my love life
has nothing to do with you.

And Brian is not
a mass murderer.



- [Friend] I'm just saying,
just because he's a Christian

doesn't mean he's
on the up and up.

I mean, I'm sure
Jesus trusted Judas

and we know how that worked
out, Ms. Christian Connection--

- Okay, just shut up.

- [Friend] Well, I'm
just saying why would you

invite him here for
your first date?

I mean, what are you thinking?

Gosh, it's like you might as
well have a welcome banner

that says, "Happy
date rape, Brian."

- Enough, Amanda, okay?

I have enough problems
trying to go out in public

and you should know that.

[sighing]



- [Amanda] I'm sorry,
of course I do.

I'm just trying to protect you.

- I know you are, but I just...

I feel like...

I don't know,

I feel like I just need
some normalcy in my life.

And I feel like Brian [sobbing].

I feel like Brian could be
the beginning of it, you know?

- [Amanda] Look, I don't
support the decision,

but I support you.

You hard up broad, you.

[laughing]

- You're such a bitch.

[upbeat music]

[ominous music]

- [Amanda] Okay, well just
give me the safe word.

- What?

- [Amanda] You
know, a safe word.

Like if he ends up being
a creep or something,

you say the safe word, I
come out, I freak him out,

freak him out and
he goes home early.

- You will freak him out.

I...

[doorbell ringing]
Shit.

- Safe word.
- Oh my god, okay.

- Safe word.
- Um, I, blueberry pie.

- [Amanda] Okay.

- Okay.

I'm all right, I'm together.

Mandy?

I just wanna say thank you.

- [Mandy] Of course.

What are sisters for?

[doorbell ringing]

- Angelina, I presume.

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

- Yes.

I'm sorry.

- That's all right.
- I'm an idiot.

- No, no you're not, I'm Brian.

Nice to meet you.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you as well.

- You too.
- Thank you.

- You look really good.

- Thanks.

You look even more beautiful
than your profile image.

- That's so sweet.

Would you like to come in?

- I'd love to come
in, thank you.

Beautiful place you got.

- [Angelina] So,
you're nervous too?

- Can you tell?

Yeah, it's not like I
do this all the time.

I'm really scared to death.

You know, you could be a
mass murderer for all I know.

- That's so weird
that you say that.

My sister was just saying
the exact same thing.

- Your sister?
- Mm-hmm.

- Will she be joining us?

- No, no.

She won't be here tonight.

- Okay.

So, what's on the
agenda for tonight?

Maybe a hot game
of Naked Twister?

- Excuse me?

- I'm sorry, that was
totally inappropriate.

I am really bad
at telling jokes.

I just want to apologize
for being so bad at it.

- Tonight, I wanted to
scare the pants off of you.

- Oh.

You're talking about
horror films, right?

I just, I don't really do
well with horror films.

It's really not my thing.

Maybe you have a nice, I
don't know, faith-based film

or a feel-good film we could
watch, something like that?

- Really?

- [Brian] I guess I must've
misread your profile

on Christian
Connection, I'm sorry.

- No.

Actually, I have a
confession to make.

- So, here it goes.

You're gonna tell me you're
not a Christian, right?

I'm sorry, that's
it, I can't do this.

- Really?

I just wanted to
meet someone nice.

- You know I'm joking, right?

- You're a jerk.

- You're right, I am a jerk.

I'm really terrible
with jokes too.

- You really are.

- I know, I gotta stop
writing my own jokes.

I tell you what, I'll make
a little deal with you.

Why don't we sit down and
watch your horror films,

I'll sit through all of
them, and at the end of it,

give me a little kiss.

- But I don't even know you.

- I know, but we're not talking

about like steaming up
the room or windows.

I'm just talking like a
little peck on the cheek.

Let's make a deal.

- Okay, it's a deal.

- All right, cool.

Let's make it official.

Pinky swear?

All right.

Let's watch those horror films.

[booming]

- Hey, hey, the good stuff,
good stuff, good stuff.

- No, get the fuck out.

- Hey look man, look, look,

come on, you know
I'm good for it, man.

Come on, talk to me, all right?

- I said fuck off.

- Look, man, look, I got
something for real now.

Look, help me out, man.

I just need a
little help, look...

Oh come on, man.

- Good for nothing creep,
that is what you are.

If my brothers catch you here,

we will mop the shit out
of you like housekeeping.

You are worse for wear.

- Look, man, look, I got
this score all right, look.

You know I'm good for it.

Just give me till Monday
and I'll have it here

delivered to your
doorstep, I swear.

Just give me this chance, man.

- Why do you think I'd help you?

- Look, I just got
this score, all right?

Look, cash in, cash out, I'm
paying you in full in hand.

Look, you...

- Not anymore,
you piece of shit.

I'm not gonna look.

Looking for everything, me.

Or I will find you and I
will carve out your eyes.

- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

- [Gangster] Now fuck off.

[tense music]

[ominous music]

- Lightweight.
- Here stick, stick.

- Don't waste that shit.
- Fuck y'all.

- Fuck off, man, it's
not my first rodeo.

- Oh, oh oh oh, look at
this bitch right here.

Look at that fucking cunt.

See that shit?

Fucking cunt.

- How do you know
she's a fucking cunt?

- [Burglar] How do you
know what she's driving?

- Fucking bitch.

- [Burglar] Let's get high.

- [Blonde] Rick.

- In the kitchen.

You've been gone a long time.

Did you get his wine?

- Yup.

I got your wine.

- It's not my wine,
it's his wine.

What time is he gonna be here?

What time is he gonna be here?

- Pa's gonna be here at six.

- All right, great, thanks.

- Holy shit.
- Whoa.

What the fuck, man?

How many people fucking
live in this house?

Is she expecting
company or what?

- Fuck, I don't know
who the fuck that is.

- Fuck this, Dan.

Let's just go fucking
hit another house.

They piss gold
over in West Side.

- [Burglar] Yeah.

- Hey hey hey. We stick
to this fucking plan.

We stick to this fucking
house, you understand?

- [Burglar] All right.

- How do you know they
have money anyway?

- Oh, they do.

- Yeah, well how do you know?

Hello--

- Hey, it's because
I fucking know.

All right, that bitch is
a fucking bank manager.

Fuck.

- Stop wasting gas,
just what we need--

- Jesus Christ.

- Whoa whoa whoa, hey now.

Who do you think I am,
Dean Martin or something?

- Really, Dad?

Two glasses are gonna kill you?

- Yeah, drink up, she
went all over town for it.

- Really?

If that's the case, you can
top that baby off, sweetheart.

[chuckling]

Hey wait a minute here.

You go through all this trouble

and you're not gonna have
a drink with us, hon?

- Well, I can't right now, Dad.

- Goddamn, I'm
gonna be a grandpa.

[laughing]

Great news and
congratulations, you two.

- Cheers.

- What the fuck's
going on in there?

- Probably in there jerking off.

- Sit the fuck
down, Jesus Christ.

- Oh, we don't wanna miss that.

We should probably hit 'em now.

- Sit.

Sit.

- You know you love it.

[giggling]

Let's do this.

- Shut the fuck up, Mitch.

You sit the fuck back.

- [Mitch] All right, shit.

- [Dan] We go in
when I say we go in.

- [Mitch] All right.

- [Dan] Fucking say it, Dolores.

- We go in when
you fucking go in.

Good enough, captain?

- So, have you made maternity
arrangements at the banks?

- [Bank Manager]
Yeah, of course.

I mean, it's not due till
August, but it's all set.

- And the plant, Rick?

- Yeah, the plant,
I don't want to...

Let's not talk about it.

- Dammit, Rick.

- [Bank Manager] Dad, it's
okay, we're gonna be okay.

- Mr. Weniger, Friday
is my last day.

- Oh, that's just great.

What was it this time?

No, shit, I don't
even wanna know.

- Look--
- No, you look.

Ever since you
got back from war,

you've had problems
with authority,

you've had problems
with your temper.

You're just not the same Rick
that married my little girl.

- [Rick] It's
complicated, all right?

- Complicated?

Let me tell you
about complicated.

In '67, my platoon
was patrolling

a small village
outside of Saigon.

And all of a sudden,

Charlie encroached us
from our east flank.

You know, I was
greener than bird shit

on my first tour duty.

I almost pissed myself.

Then, old Hopper from Dallas
came out and he dragged me

into a villager
hut to take cover.

I honestly didn't
know what I was doing.

Well, I hear footsteps
outside the hut.

So I slide on my
bayonet and I wait.

All of a sudden out of nowhere,
this little Vietnamese girl,

hell, she couldn't have
been much older than 10,

runs in, shouting at
the top of her lungs.

Now, I didn't know if she was
getting in position or what.

[muffled grunting]

I didn't speak the language.

So I take out my bayonet
and I plunge it in her neck

and I twisted it.

[grunting]

And that sweet little girl,
she fell into my hands.

She looked up at me as
though she was saying, "Why?"

For the love of
God, what did I do?

- Dad, that is enough.
- No.

Finish.

- Charlie passes.

We go out and attack them.

So I carry this
girl out of the hut

and I place a little rag I found

in the hut over her face.

But as I get up, my
commanding officer comes out

and he just punches
my lights out.

So, when I come to, old
Hopper picks me up on my feet.

And I asked him, "What the
hell's the matter with him?

"She was tipping off Charlie."

Old Hopper looked at me
and he said, "No, Al, no.

"She was just scared and
crying for her mama."

See, we were in her home.

- [Rick] Jesus, Jesus.

- So you try rolling
through airports

and having people yell
baby-killer to you

knowing what I did.

You know, we did
some good over there,

but damn if we didn't
come home with some pain.

It was a simple mistake.

Reckon it's one I've lived
with for over 30 years.

- [Rick] But you keep on living.

- [Al] That's the point, Rick.

Move forward and keep living.

- That is enough horror
stories for me tonight.

You want dessert?

- [Rick] I'm gonna get a drink.

[screaming]

- [Dan] It's time.

- It's about.

[ominous tones]

- Hello, is someone in there?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Please.

My boyfriend just hit me.

I just wanna use your phone.

I got out of the car and
I ran, I don't know...

Please.

- You expecting company, Rick?

- [Rick] Look, we
can call 911 for you.

- [Dolores] I have
nowhere to go.

- Rick, open the door.
- He's gonna kill me.

- Rick, open the door.

Open the goddamn
door for the girl.

- [Dolores] Please.

- Come on in.
- Are you okay?

- And then I just
got out of the car...

- Are you okay,
are you all right?

- I'm okay, but you're not.

[screaming]

- Oh my god.

- What the--

[beeping]

- No, no, no, no.
- Bitch.

- We don't want your wallet.
- Take my money.

- What are you talking about?
- Take my wallet.

- [Al] Fuck these punks.

They're not getting a thing.

- [Dolores] Really, got
something to say there, punk?

- Fuck off, Dolores.
- Aw.

- Let her go.

Let her go.

Let her go.

Stop it.

[drums beating]

- Zero fucks given.

Trust in me, Pops.

- Oh guys, guys, guys,
let's just ease this tension

with a little song.

- [Rick] Think about
what you're doing.

- Smoking rocks is always fun.

- What the fuck are you doing?

Put down the goddamn guitar.

Get to work.

Get to work.

- Rick, Rick, you look like
a man that might have a safe,

where you keep
all your trinkets.

[screaming]

- [Rick] Take my wallet.

- [Dan] Aw that's sweet.

[shushing]

- I'm trying to tell you.

- [Dan] I'll just
fucking cut you.

If you don't cooperate,
I'll slit her throat.

Come on, let's get him up.

Let's get going.

- On your knees.

On your knees.

- Come on, Rick, come on.

Just be nice.

Give us some help
with the fog, Rick.

- [Dan] Come to the foyer.

- I'll babysit, guys.

[grunting]

- No.

[tense music]

- Get your ass to sit.

Woo hoo.

All right, butt plug,
what's the combo?

[sobbing]

[shrieking]

- [Dolores] Here.

Here.

And maybe.

- [Al] Help.

Someone, please.

- [Dolores] Now there's boss.

- I wanna fuck you, come here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

- Seven.

No, I'm wrong.

11.

- She's with child,
you goddamn monster.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- [Dan] No wonder she's so hot.

Yeah, I'm fucking her, yeah.

- 18.

[screaming]

- [Dan] You fucking slut.

[panting]

[tense music]

- Come on, come on, come on.

- [Rick] 74.

- [Mitch] Yes.

- You ruined it, you
ruined it for me.

[gasping]

[tense music]

- [Mitch] So, who's the Marine?

[horrific tones]

[gunshot]

[gunfire]

[grunting]

- [Dolores] You dirty bastard.

[groaning]

[speaking in foreign language]

- Get up, soldier.

- Your pop is--
[gunshot]

[gunshot]

- Is that the fucking
best you can do?

Come on.

[gunfire]

[sirens wailing]

- [Rick Voiceover] But
you keep on living.

- [Al Voiceover]
That's the point, Rick.

Move forward and keep living.

[laughing]

- That was a trip.

- You can say that again.

Why don't you sit closer to me?

I mean, just in
case you get scared.

- I'm gonna go get
us some popcorn.

- Sure.

[booming]

[whooshing]

[bacon sizzling]

- Charge said to him,
"Okay, come back in 10 years

"and get your car."

"And he said, morning
or afternoon?"

[laughing]

And the fella behind
the counter said,

"Well, 10 years from now,
what difference does it make?"

And he said, "Well,
the plumber's coming
in the morning."

[laughing]

[applause]

[blow dryer whirring]

[rock music]

- Audrey, Clay, Toby,
come and get it.

- Hey, you hear your
mother, move it.

- Mom, Audrey keeps hogging
the goddamn bathroom.

- Clay, language.

- For Christ's sake, Carol,
he'll be an adult in six months.

- Hell yeah, Dad.

- Don't push it, Clay

- Mom, Dad, can I
please have this?

- What the hell is this?

- A sea critter, Dad,
they're really cool.

- Stupid.

- Shut up, Clay.

- [Carol] Sea what?

- No, Mom, it's a sea
critter that you feed

and take care of.

- Take care of?

You've barely started
wiping your own butt, champ

and you wanna take
care of something?

Ha.

- Honey, right now we
really can't afford

to buy an aquarium,
and fish, food,

and all it takes
to care for fish.

- Right.

- Really, Dad,
they're only $1.25.

And he comes with everything
it takes to care for him.

- It would help him learn
about responsibility.

- All right.

Here's the deal.

You wash the car the
next two Saturdays.

- Deal.

Oh, I need another
buck for shipping.

[easygoing music]

[horn honking]

[whooshing]
[ominous music]

Yes.

They're here, they're here.

- What's that, honey?

- My sea critters
came in the mail.

- That's nice, honey.

[ominous tones]

- Boy, I can't wait
to give you a name.

[whooshing]

[glass tapping]

Clay, you jerk.

- Clay, leave your
brother alone.

- [Clay] Loser.

- Shut it, now.

- Mom, I don't understand.

I did everything
right, and nothing.

- [Carol] Are you sure?

- Yes.

- Well, maybe you
got a bad egg, baby.

Go get ready for school and
I'll see if Dad will chip in

on another order
of those things.

- Really?
- Really.

- Cool.

- We can forget all
about you, you bastard.

[drain rumbling]

[sighing]

- May I be excused?

- Yeah.

- Toby, hold up a second.

Let's go upstairs
and talk in the tent.

Come on, little man.

- What do you want
to talk about, Dad?

- Mom told me about
your little fish.

- [Toby] It wasn't a fish.

It was a sea critter.

- All right, all right, my bad.

Well anyway, she mentioned
that you were real down

and out about this whole
subject and she thought

that I should talk to
you about raising pets.

- I tried, Dad.

- Hey, you tried.

That's what matters.

Come on, look at me, man.

Besides, you got off easy.

- [Toby] What do you mean?

- Since you've been
alive and a member

of this entire family, do you
recall us ever owning a pet?

Ask your brother.

Ask your sister.

They'll both give
you the same answer.

Do you wanna know why?

Because of Tippy.

- Who?

- Tippy was a bull
terrier that I had

when I was about your age.

We went everywhere together.

Now, she then tried
to go to school

with me almost every day.

- [Toby] What happened?

- What happened was, pardon
my French, someone gave birth

to the nastiest,
soulless, witch from hell.

Ms. Hart.

She had it out for old
Tips when she was a pup.

Well one day, I came
home from school

and my mom tells me that
Tippy attacked the old bat.

Well, it was a false
accusation, of course.

But she had friends
visiting from out of town

who backed her story

and also claimed getting
attacked themselves.

Hart was in good with the city.

So they put an order out to
capture Tippy and put her down.

- You didn't let them, right?

- Hell no.

There was this wood area back
behind my parents' house.

I took Tippy deep into
those woods and tied her up.

I went back into the city and
it was like she'd ran away.

I mean, hearing that
old girl whimpering

and howling into the
night, every night.

That's when I knew she'd
never be happy again.

Have no freedom.

She even started to
develop an infection

from the collar rubbing.

She tried to free herself
to come back to me.

- Just cut her loose.

- Would've done it if I could.

She would've come back to me.

- What did you do?

- One day after school, I went
to see Tippy one last time.

Only this time, I brought
my dad's old Remington.

I let her loose to watch her
run and play in the pasture.

[horrific screaming]

And then I took that Remington.

I pointed it between her eyes.

Bam.
[screeching]

And that's all I have to
say on the subject of pets.

Now go brush your teeth
and get ready for bed.

Grandma's coming
for the weekend.

- Oh.

What a delight.

[whooshing]

- So, how did everyone's day go?

- I crapped myself once today.

- Grandma, that is gross.

- He asked.
- So anyways, Larry Henderson

got his butt kicked
behind the gym today.

- And that's something
to gloat about?

- [Grandma] He
probably had it coming.

- [Carol] Mother,
you're not helping.

- You call me Sandra,
or Mrs. O'Connor.

- Ma.
- Well, she is.

- When are you
gonna start popping

out those great
grand babies, huh?

- Grandma.
- Donald.

- Ma.
- What?

It's the natural thing to do.

- Ma, she's only 18 years old.

- I was just a year
older when I had you.

Oh, and if I hadn't had
that back alley abortion

a year after, why, you'd
have a half-black brother

from boxer Joe Lewis.

- [Donald] Ma, you
know that's not true.

[laughing]

- Grandma was a player.

- Maybe.

- I don't believe it.

- I'm through.

I'm gonna go work on my ride.

- How's that going, son?

- Do you know how much...

How many girls I'm
gonna escort home

once I fix my fuel pump?

Do you mind if I'm excused?

- [Carol] Yes, you may.

- Grandma, you up for
a game of checkers?

- [Carol] Toby, you know you
have to help with dishes.

- Oh nonsense.

That is work for the
woman of the house.

- Look, Sandra, we're trying
to teach Toby responsibility.

- Ah, horseshit, we're
playing checkers.

Oh, as soon as I
watch my Henny Ben.

- Cool.

- Well, I have to go
get ready for a date.

- [Donald] With whom?

- Johnny. I met him three
days ago at a protest.

- Oh Jesus.

- We're just going for a ride.

I'll be back early.

[mimicking creaking]
Grandma.

He is a decent guy.

Really, you should
see him with his kids.

- Oh Jesus.

I need a hot shower.

And a drink.

Ma, you know you don't smoke.

- Cheer up, Grandpa.

Toby, set up the
checkers in your room

and I'll be down in 30.

- Yes, ma'am.

- And you, you get your
ass on them dishes.

I thought I smoked.

Do I smoke?

- Call me now.

And let's be that
there is ka-mel-ah.

[soothing music]

[water bubbling]

[ominous music]

- Son of a bitch.

I swear, if I have to
call the plumber again.

[screeching]
[horrifying music]

- Ma...

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

- What's up, buddy?

I'm a little busy right now.

- Something got Mom.

It grabbed her from the sink.

- Sorry, buddy.

Can't quite hear you.

Wait until I get out.

- Okay.

[ominous music]

[screaming]

- Are you perfect?

Are you in pain?

- Grandpa, where you been?

Oh, the store.

Did you remember to bring me
my chocolate bar with almonds?

[laughing]

Oh, you brought me one of
those on our very first date.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

I opened the door, and
you were standing there

in your Navy uniform.

So tall, so handsome.

Ah, just took my breath away.

Oh, and then afterwards
we went dancing.

That big band sound
was something.

Afterwards, you took me home.

It was so romantic.

Full moon, you held me in
your arms and kissed me.

I knew you were the one for me.

Oh, Grandpa.

Where'd you go?

Why'd you leave me?

I miss you so much.

I love you.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Oh, you went to the store.

[laughing]

Remember to bring me that
chocolate bar with almonds.

- [Toby] Grandma, Grandma.

- Who the hell are you?

- Grandma, it's me,
Toby, your grandson.

- No, I heard about you
creeps on 60 Minutes.

Coming to bleed me dry
of my social security.

- Grandma?

[shouting]

[whooshing]

[sighing]

- Audrey, we've dry-humped
for three days now.

I'm really starting to chafe.

- I'm sorry, Johnny, I'm
just nervous, I guess.

Do you have protection?

- Sure, baby.

I always carry a
crowbar in case we run

into a pack of undesirables.

- Jerk, you know what I mean.

What the hell is that?

- Some Spanish fly.

You know, to get
you in the mood.

- I don't know.

- So, baby, just pop
it in your mouth,

down it with this wine.

- Then what?

- Didn't you say your
parents were sound sleepers?

- I don't know, Johnny.

- Come on, baby,
just drink it down,

go up to your room,
and unlock your window.

- Okay.

- There we go.

And Audrey?

Put on something sexy.

- See, Grandma?

- It's starting to
come back to me now.

Who are you again?

[sighing]

[ominous music]

[groaning]

- Johnny.

[moaning]

Johnny.

- You see, Grandma?

It took her.

I bet it was that sea critter.

- Ugh.

What I see is that
your mom is a real pig.

- Come on, let's check on Clay.

- Toby, what the hell did
you say that thing was?

- I hope you didn't
start without me.

[squelching]

You're into some kinky
shit, aren't you?

[sighing]

Thank you, Spanish fly.

[ominous music]

What the?

What's under here?

Audrey, I didn't
know you had a cat.

[screeching]

- It got him too.

- What did?

- The sea critter.

I know it.

Come on, let's get Dad.

- Toby, why don't
we go get your dad?

I just don't know, Toby, I
mean we looked in the sink

and all I say was
like a bunch of mess

and then we went into
the garage and then--

- Whoa, whoa, hold the phone,

and what the hell are
you two babbling about?

- Dad, that sea critter that
Mom flushed awhile back?

Well, it came back.

It's bigger, meaner, and
eating everyone in the house.

It got Mom, it got
Clay, maybe even Audrey.

- What he said.

Donnie, look in the sink.

- [Toby] Yeah, Dad,
look in the sink.

[ominous tones]

- Let's go find everyone.

- They're gone, Dad.

- We'll see about that, come on.

I'm gonna get my gun.

[tense music]

[screaming]

- [Sandra] Donnie,
what are you gonna do?

- Screw this.

I'm gonna call the cops.

- You should call the cops.

[tense music]

Don?

- Dad?

[screaming]

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

[screaming]

- Back, I say, back.

Toby, hold this, hold on.

I've got something
for that shit-head.

- Get back.

Grandma.

Get back, get back.

[screaming]

Get back.

Grandma, kill it.

[tense music]

[flame roaring]

- Burn in hell, fucker.

[door knocking]

- Is this your residence?

- You got a warrant?

- No, Grandma,
they're here to help.

- We got a 911 call
reported some screams coming

from this here residence.

Y'all know anything about that?

- Well, apparently there's
a whole lot of shit going on

and we're here to
keep the peace.

- Hey, peace this, copper.

You got nothing on us.

- Son, your grandma, well she's
not doing well, I take it.

Hm?

- Mister, you have to help us.

You have to kill it.

- Well hold on, hold on now.

Kill exactly what?

- Sheriff, please.

It's in our house.

Ate my mom, dad, and brother.

Help us.

- All right, kid, so
where is this intruder at?

- My grandma sprayed it with
hairspray and it ran away.

I have a sister.

This is her boyfriend's
car, sheriff.

- Have you seen her recently?

- [Toby] No.

[gun cocking]

- Show us her room.

[tense music]

- [Policeman] We have probable
cause and we're coming

in there whether
you like it or not.

[ominous music]

[gunfire]
[screaming]

- Toby, in here, quick.

Oh my god, baby, baby,
are you all right?

Oh my god, my--
- What are we going to do now?

- I don't know, I
don't know, I don't...

[shouting]

- You must learn to start
grabbing the fly by the balls

and squeeze, squeeze, I say.

Squeeze.

- Wait a minute.

You said that thing was
a sea creature, right?

Right.

It belongs in the sea.

So, we will give him the sea.

- How does this work?

- Now, Toby, this is where

you're gonna have
to be brave, okay?

What I need you to
do is I need you

to go down into
your sister's room--

- No, Grandma, I'm scared.

- Now, Toby, this
thing was your pet.

Accept the responsibility.

- Grandma, this
thing's a murderer.

- Well, get mad.

I mean, hell, he killed your
father and your brother,

and I mean, who knows what
it did to your sister.

- It took Mom too.

- Well, Donnie
could've remarried.

- Grandma.

So, I bring this thing here.

What are you going to do?

- You just bring it here

and I will stick a lightning
bolt up its puckered ass.

[mimicking zapping]

[tense music]

[screeching]

Run, Toby, run,
run, hurry, hurry.

Toby, I want you
to get on the tub,

balance yourself on that ledge.

- Why?

- Bait.

Get your ass up there
or we're both gonna die.

Move, move, move.

All right.

[panting]

[screaming]

Eat lead, bozo.

[zapping]
Oh yeah, die.

Ugly asshole.

Die, die, die.

Ah shit.

[tense music]

Stay away from my grandson,
you salty son of a bitch.

[screeching]

[yelling]

[whirring]

[panting]

Oh, Toby, Toby, it's dead.

It's dead.

[laughing]

We won.

We won.

Oh yeah, oh yeah,
we won, we won.

Oh yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh man.

[sighing]

[somber music]

[tense music]

[screaming]

[screeching]

- Now now, it's almost time.

- Time for what, Grandma?

- Why, for my great
grand babies, of course.

- Wow.
- That was awesome.

What did you think?

- I can see myself in your eyes.

[door knocking]

- You know what, I think
that's the pizza guy.

I ordered pizza earlier.

Do you think you can get it?

- I don't mind at all.

I'll be right back.

- Thanks.

[knocking]

- [Brian] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Pepperoni and sausage.

- At least we know
she likes meat, right?

How much do we owe you?

- 21.

- Here you go.

- Holy shit, are you guys
watching a fucking horror movie?

- Yeah, we guys are watching
a fucking horror movie.

- Won't you guys need company?

- You're kidding, right?

Does it look like
we need company?

- I get off in five minutes.

- You know what,
and in five minutes,

you can march your sorry
ass to your fucking house

and never see us again,
how's that sound?

- Well, what about my tip?

- Oh, your tip?

Here's your fucking tip.

Use it well, all right?

- Motherfucker.
- See ya, fuck you.

Pizza's here.

[booming]

- Well, yeah.

I think that I
need a little time.

- What?

You put me through
all this bullshit

and now you're dumping me?

- No, don't you dare
put this all on me.

- What am I supposed
to do, turn my head

against your all on
the road womanizing?

- Okay, I understand that
traveling may be an issue but--

- Don't but me.

You come home at odd
hours of the night,

clean your clothes, and
then erase your inbox daily.

Oh, oh, and here's the clincher.

Panties in your glove box.

- I explained that.

- [Kitty] Ah, I met your sister.

If she wore those, she'd be
blue from the waist down.

- I break up with you

and now you wanna
take shots at Martha?

- Don't turn this around,
I'm just calling bullshit.

- Look, it's late and I'm in
the middle of Bumfuck, USA

trying to get to this seminar
I don't even want to go to.

And I'm fighting with you now?

Hello?

Kitty?

Fuck.

[tire exploding]

[tire screeching]

[ominous music]

Fuck.

Dammit.

[car beeping]

Fuck.

You've got to be kidding me.

You've got to be kidding me.

[grunting]

[yelling]

Fucking rental car.

What the fuck is that?

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

[ominous tones]

[sighing]

[digital screeching]

[door knocking]

Hello.

Anybody home?

[knocking]

Hello, I need a phone.

[knocking]

It's 10 o'clock, where
the hell is everybody?

Hello?
[knocking]

Knock knock.

What the fuck is this?

[knocking]
Hello.

There, you see?

Maybe my luck's turning around.

[knocking]

[knocking]

Dammit.

Hello.

[knocking]

Need a little help.

[ominous digital music]

[dogs barking]

Whoa.

Fuck that shit.

Excuse me, sir, I need a phone.

I need a little help.

- Look who has arrived.

If it ain't the
goddamn guest of honor.

How you doing, friend?

Why don't you come
join the lamb feed?

- No, you don't
understand, I'm stranded.

I need a phone.

- No no no no, you come.

Okay?

Have a good time.

We all here to have a good time.

- Thanks for the invite
to the Mayberry Mixer,

but no thanks, I really
just need a phone, man.

- Will you just come in, okay?

We got a phone.

A matter of fact, we've
got lots of phones.

But first, we celebrate.

- Smells like a carnival
shithouse out here.

- My name is Wicker.

Like the chair.

Like the basket.

- Like a phone?

Really, I'm charmed.

- You know, sure do
got a smart mouth.

But that's okay.

You know what I like
about smart mouths?

- What's that?

- I like to wash 'em out.

Now let's go get ourselves a
drink and calm down, sea boy.

Have a good time.

Come on, let's go.

Okay?

[slow rock music]
[chattering]

- Whoa, hey, great shindig.

Now where's that phone?

- So, you like what you see?

- No, I mean...

Kinda.

- 'Cause they like you.

They like you.

That's what I see.

[spitting]

Filthy sluts.

- Whoa, okay, where's
that phone at?

- Yeah, okay.

I get phone.

But you.

You drink up.

Sip on this.

[laughing]

[humming]

- [Traveler] What the hell?

- [Stranger] I killed my
dog about eight years old.

- Excuse me?

- [Stranger] You're excused.

I said I killed my
dog when I was eight.

I took a rock, hit
him upside his head.

- So you had anger issues.

- [Stranger] It wasn't anger.

I loved that dang dog.

This was yearning.

- Yearning for what exactly?

- I had what Mama
called the yearning.

I had it real bad.

- Old-timer, I
don't know if I like

this conversation too much.

- You know, Mama used to
say that the gall bladder

of a living thing
was the best eating.

The most powerful eating.

- I see you've met my pa.

- Yeah, he's a
real humanitarian.

- He is, ain't he?

[laughing]

Did Pa tell you
that he was a medic

in the Special
Forces back in Nam?

But he got discharged.

On account of too much yearning.

- That's disgusting.

- Nam was different.

It was me or them.

I see you have a bit
of yearning in you.

- [Traveler] Yeah,
you could say that.

- Well, so do I.

- Oh, you're insane, man.

[chuckling]

Bathroom?

Bathroom?

[somber rock music]

[ominous music]

Fuck.

Fucking poisoned my ass.

Stay together.

Get it together.

Mitchell, get it together.

Fucking assholes.

[screaming]

Come on, focus, focus, focus.

Okay.

You can do this.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[panting]

[chattering]
[somber rock music]

[laughing]

[acoustic guitar music]

[whistling]
[cheering]

[screaming]

- Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

[heavy footfalls]

[whooping and hollering]

[electronic rock music]

[screaming]

- Remember me?

- This is not the
car I requested.

I specifically requested
a black Cadillac.

That's all you have?

- Yes.

- Fucking country fuck.

[spitting]

- You city fuck.

[electric guitar tones]
[screaming]

- Nobody fucking move.

- Thank God.
- Shut the fuck up.

You sick sons of bitches.

Dispatch, I need all units
to the hall immediately.

[laughing]

I had a sneaking
suspicion something weird

was going on here
and I was right.

- Well then, why
don't you go ahead

and put a bullet right here.

- Don't mind if I do.

Bang.

Bang.

[laughing]

I thought you guys
wouldn't start without me.

[laughing]

Son, you're fucked.

- God, no.

- Pow.

[laughing]

- All right, buddy boy,
let's get the anthem going.

[banging]

- I said hands above our hearts.

I said hands above
the goddamn heart.

♪ America

♪ America

♪ God shed your girl on me

♪ And take your life

♪ With the butcher's knife

♪ And let that blood

♪ Flow

♪ Free

Cut his ass up, Hugh.

Cut his ass up.

[screaming]

- Jesus.

It was just a dream.

- But it's not.

Remember me?

Wicker?

Like the chair?

Like a basket?

Like a cockroach?

[laughing]
- No.

No, no.

[screaming]
[squelching]

- [Kitty] I fucking hate you.

[groaning]
[rock music]

[heavy breathing]
[subdued music]

[slow rock music]

- [Answering Machine]
Hello, no one is available

to take your call.

Please leave a message
after the tone.

[beeping]

- [Kitty] Thank God for GPS.

I'm coming for you, babe.

[heavy rock music]

[squelching]
[crunching]

- What are we going
to do now, Daddy?

- What we gonna do?

[chuckling]

We gonna get more lamb.

[laughing]

♪ We gonna get more lamb

♪ We gonna get more lamb

♪ We gonna get more lamb

♪ We gonna get more lamb

♪ We gonna get more lamb

♪ We gonna get more lamb

♪ We gonna get more lamb

[heavy rock music]

[sighing]

- Okay, I'm just gonna
get some more pizza.

- Pizza?

You need more pizza?

[grunting]

We need more popcorn.

We need more movies.

We need more pizza delivery guy.

It's one thing after
a-fucking-nother.

We finished the films, right?

Is that it with the movies?

Are we done?

I lived up to my
end of the deal.

Remember the deal that you made?

You made a deal
with me, sweetie.

You gotta live up to
your end of the deal.

I sat through the movies.

We don't need more pizza.

We don't need any shit.

Bitch on the street last weekend

tried to pull the
same shit on me.

Look what that got her.

So let's do this thing.

Now it's your turn to live
up to the end of the deal.

Have you got that?

[grunting]
[tense music]

Look what you fucking did to me.

It's gonna be fucking hard.

It also ought to be fucking fun.

[panting]

- Blueberry pie.

- Blueberry pie, what?

[screaming]

[squelching]

[growling]

- [Mandy] Take
that, dickless fuck.

So sorry, I'm scared.

- Thank you, Mandy.

- That's what we're sisters for.

[screaming]
[crunching]

[somber rock music]

[electric guitar rock music]

- You like this?
- Fuck yeah.

Eats.

- [Actor] We have
y'all's attention now?

- [Actor] I can take
'em out nice and slow.

- [Actor] Now let's come to
some type of understanding.

- What the fuck happened
to that other guy?

- Don't worry about it.

- He was a dick.
- Don't worry about me.

You got a bigger problem.

- [Actor] Help me.