Landline (2017) - full transcript

(skateboard rolling)

(light music)

- Dispatch, gimme a
description of that subject

with the theft earlier
at the liquor store.

- [Dispatch] Unit 515,
I have a white suspect,

bearded, five foot
seven, torn shirt,

needs to be brought
in for questioning.

- I got a male subject
matchin' that description.

He's goin' eastbound
down the railroad tracks,

looks like he's gonna cut
through the fence line

over there, I'm
gonna make contact.



Go ahead and send another
unit this way, please.

(siren blaring)

Come here, come here,
come here, come here.

On the ground, on the
ground, on the ground.

Get on the ground.

Why you coming through?
- Ow! (exclaiming)

Why are you coming through?

- [Suspect] I...

- Hmm?

- [Suspect] I was
comin' from the woods,

I don't know where I am.

- [Cop] Anybody come in
here, take it slow now,

take it slow now.
- I don't know where I am,

I'm just trying to get home.



(groaning)

Come on, is this necessary?
- Relax, relax.

You saw me comin' through
over on the railroad tracks.

You cut through on
the railroad tracks

you came through the woods.

- I don't know where I am, I'm
just trying to find a place.

I'm coming from the
woods, I don't know.

We went to a campground,
me and my friends,

I got into a fight
with a couple there,

my friends bailed,
I can't find them,

I can't find my car, I can't
find my phone, nothing.

I just need to get home.

(cell phone buzzing)

- Honey, let me call you back.

I'm right in the middle
of something here.

Okay, just tape
my show, alright?

What he hell do you mean
the DVR's already full?

Well delete some of
your Castles, alright?

Look, I paid for the
damn DVR, you got it?

No, I'm gonna call
you back, I promise,

but just tape my show, alright?

Please.

Alright, thank you,
I'll call you back.

(chuckling)

- Tape my damn show, woman!

Tape my damn show!

(laughing)

- It's just you and
I down here, alright?

I'm not a big fan of your odds.

- I'm sorry.

Life's just like one
gigantic inside joke lately,

that's all.

- Well I like jokes.

Explain it to me.

- Alright, sit back,
this one's a doozy.

(soft music)

- What is this kid doing?

(laughing)

(tires squeal)

- Are you kidding me?

I'll kill you.

Get off the phone!

(tires screeching)

- Mm hmm.

Nope, fire away, I'm gettin'
emails left and right.

Nothing's gonna stop
me at this point.

Yeah?

Okay, so what are we doing
about the cake though?

Is that coming on time or do
like we have a status on that?

No, absolutely not.

Honey, not you.

You, this shirt, not happening.

Huh uh.

Back, back back back back back.

Get that one I bought for you.

- You know I almost got
hit by a truck today.

Life's a little too short--

- Excuse me, hold on.
- for the perfect shirt.

- The cake will be
there an hour early?

(scoffing and groaning)

Okay I need this to
look like someone caring

planned my anniversary party.

Yeah, no I'm getting like the
opposite of care from you.

I'm not quite sure of
the word but I want like

Care Bear, like,
squeeze, hug, support me.

What I'm getting is, I don't
have any of these things ready.

No, the details matter.

Don't talk to me like I'm crazy.

Okay, I have to go.

(sighs)

See this, this I wanna
rip off of you later.

(chuckling)

Your neck is--

- Fat, don't touch it.

- Yeah.

I have to call the DJ back.
- Oh my gosh.

- Three new emails?

Over one phone call?

Oh ho, come on.

What was his number?

Hello?

Pen.

Hello?

Yes, DJ Teddy Arskin?

Gimme.

Hi, this is Jack Gout speaking.

Yes hi, hello, who do I
make this check out to?

I'm assuming it's
(buzzing)

not DJ Teddy Arskin.

Donkey Punch Productions?

Okay.

Yeah, thank you.

I don't get it.

- Too much?

- No, you look masculine.

- I always look masculine.

- [Jack] Hmm.

- (laughing) What
do you mean, hmm?

- When I see you at
this party tonight

I'm gonna be looking
at the new head of PR

at the Chicago Cubs.

And then we can finally put
an offer in on the house.

You look wonderful.
- Thank you.

- I love this hat.

You look really sexy, like
a man, like a man gorilla.

(imitates snarling)
Gimme this little neck.

I wanna bite it
like a piece of ham.

(laughing)
(smack resounding)

Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But seriously Teddy.
- Uh huh.

- Susan, this event
planner, cannot, cannot.

- This is everything, Ted.

The Chicago Cubs?

You remember when they
won the World Series?

- That was 1908, do you, Jacob?

- Well, listen, all
I'm sayin', pal,

is this is their year

and we are the marketing
team behind it.

- See this?

This right here is everything
I've been working towards.

This is what the
promotion gets me.

Okay?

I remember when
I met my husband,

right at this table, right here.

- You two met here,
over cinnamon rolls?

- It was the end of
the night for him,

it was the beginning
of the morning for me,

and I just, I'll never forget.

I'd never seen a gay man eat
a cinnamon roll like that.

Like they usually eat it like
I do, where you pick at it,

you know, like you would.

He ate it like this
guy right here.

(laughing)

Nothin'.

Anyway, he relents, gives
me his phone number.

We go on our first date
and I'll never forget,

all we talk about is
our dreams and you know,

all that kind of stuff you
talk about on first dates.

But, you know, this right
here is a combination

of all those dreams.

It's everything.
- I think it's perfect, Ted.

- Are you just saying that
to be a good intern, Sally?

- Absolutely not, no.

That's boardroom Sally's job.

To kiss your ass.

Mine, unfortunately,
is to run errands

and be generally
perceived as bitchy

because of my accent.

- That's definitely true.

- Does Barry have to
romance Sanders for me too?

- I just ruined
my cinnamon roll.

- There's the old man.

- I'm 30.

- Oh, I'm sorry, is middle-aged
more politically correct?

(tittering)

- I got your urgent calls and
your emergency text messages.

And I've been a little busy.

- Little busy?

Still cost you 10 cents
to receive a text?

- I don't have any change.

I'm not a peasant.

- Read my Tumblr today?

- I only read things
that interest me, Barry.

- How would you know
if it interests you

if you don't read it?

- Because you don't
interest us, Barry.

Therefore, we don't
read your propaganda.

- It got 5,000 shares.

- [Ted] What's that, Barry?

No one cares?

- 5,000 shares!

Sally, Sally, where you goin'?

(classical music)

- Okay everybody come on
in, take a seat please.

Take a seat.

Take a seat, take a
seat, take a seat.

Okay okay okay.

Cell phones away, Barry,
holster that please.

That includes Valley
of the Dolls, too,

just stick it somewhere.

So.

Barry.

I happen to think
that your Tumblr blog

was fire this morning.

- You hear that, Ted?

Fire.

- Fiona, did you just
say Barry's fired?

Oh, I hate to see you go, buddy.

- I used your bald spot to
do my hair this morning.

(laughing)

Isn't that right,
Boardroom Sally?

- Not my name,
that's not my name.

- It's not a bald spot, Barry,

this is where my huge
brain goes, okay?

Boardroom Sally, do
not listen to this man.

He's not a good
person, look at him.

Just look.

Good person?

Not a good person, no.

And learn the interns'
names, that's Tommy.

- It's Timmy, it's Timmy.

- I'm exhausted from
hearing your voices.

I literally am sitting here

and sleeping,
sleeping, sleeping.

Okay, so we have some good news,

we have some bad news.

The good news is, we
got the Cubs account!

The bad news:

we got the Cubs account.

Okay?

You are not ready for the Cubs.

You are not ready
for the Cubs, Ryan.

Because you are a child.

You are a teeny teeny tiny tiny

very cute little man baby.

Hmm?

People, this is my legacy.

Okay, this is my legacy.

You kill it with this account

and every business in
town will be calling you.

Einstein once said, "Try not
to become a man of success

"but rather try to become a man

"of value."

Isn't that nice?

I'm a woman, so I have no
problem becoming both, okay?

Now--
(knocking)

As you may have heard, I need
someone to lead us up on this.

I need someone to
oversee everything.

I need someone to make
sure we are hitting

everything from papers
to blogs to viral

and so with that, I am
very pleased to announce

that I am promoting Barry.

- Yes!
- Woo!

- [Fiona] To lead us up on this.

Nice job Barry.

- Barry?

- Okay.

Just say it Ted, what is it?

- Lagunitas.

You and me.
- Us?

- Sally.

- Yeah.

- Killed it for ya, okay?

Great account.
- Nice get.

- Lumomatti's.

- Oh, I love pizza.

- Another great account.

- How much pizza did we
eat for that account?

- Tons, tons.

- So much pizza we
ate for that account.

For you.
- I got lactose.

- For you!

We didn't want to
eat all that pizza,

we did it for you.

Under Armor.

- Don't even fit in the clothes.

- Doesn't even fit
in the clothes.

- [Jacob] Huge.

- That's how much we worked
on that account, for you.

I'm, just...

- I.

- Barry?

- Barry

has a huge internet following.

He and his little
pack of teen wolves,

they know viral videos
better than anybody.

- I don't understand what
Barry's huge following

has to do with

the Cubs.

- Nothin'.
- We got, the Cubs

has a huge following.

- Right.

- Because he's trusted,
people like him.

- No no, gay men like him,

because you post shirtless
selfies on Instagram.

- And assies.

- What, what,

what is an assie?

- Pictures of his ass.
(giggling)

- I knew that, I just
like to hear you say it.

- [Barry] I'm in my
underwear, in my defense.

- Oh, good for you!

(laughing)

Assies!

Sorry!

Listen.

- This is unbelievable.

I have been with you
since the beginning.

That's my promotion, Fiona,
I've been with you 10 years.

- Ted, life is about popularity.

Our smiles, they
brighten the world.

- Sure do.

Can you leave the room please
and let me speak with Ted?

Mmkay?

Okay please please
please move slowly

'cause it just gives
me the giggles.

Ted.

Look at this.

I built this.

I built all of
this 10 years ago.

And I am really, really
holding on, okay?

There was a time when one
person worked at this firm, me.

But PR is a young person's game,

and Barry gets that.

Okay?

Barry knows that our
demographic is constantly

on their phones and
they are texting.

And while they are texting
they are also on Twitter,

they are on Facebook,
they're on Instagram.

Okay?

Barry and his little
band of merry men,

they get that.

- Fiona, I've kept
up with that, I have.

I've kept up with it.

When I started with
you it was MySpace.

Then it was the
advent of Facebook,

I kept up with that.

And then don't even
forget when we started

we had a Geocities webpage.

- I thought that would last.

Listen.

I love you.

You're gonna work
with Barry on this

because I am asking you to,

okay?

- Chaining the Cubs account
to a child who posts assies?

(laughing)

- Sorry, just, sorry.

I just get a kick out of
this whole assie thing.

- It's asinine.

- Ted.

Hi.

Someday, you're gonna
run this company.

Not just an account.

You have to trust me on this,
I'm Fiona effing Sanders.

- Hey Kevin.

- Mm hmm?
- You know,

maybe you can come
over and help me out

with this piece of
crap that Dad bought

and he's probably
gonna blame me for.

- Talia, it took him a
month to build back home.

It took him a month
because I waited 29 days

to do it myself.

(laughing)

- Hey Kevin.
- Talia.

- Your dad is a hoarder.

(laughing)

- Yeah, that's from when he
started downloading porn.

- Ew.

- (laughing) Pogs.

Tamagotchi. (laughing)

Here's your pen recorder.

- My pen recorder?

- You used to torment
people with this.

- Oh, no no no no, put that
in my personal box, thank you.

I need that baby.

Oh my God, I finally
figured this thing out.

- Jack Gout speaking.

Hi, yes!

Ah, how are you?

What's new?

Yeah, tell me, fire away.

- Yes, yes.

Pro bono work, yes.

- Are you serious, Ted?

What about your
big promotion, huh?

You're rolling in the dough now.

You keep talking about
the Peruvian marble tops

in your dream home and
your bidet and, what?

- [Kevin] Shut up.

- Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I am so, so sorry,
I didn't realize.

Maybe we can help you
look on Craigslist.

Your husband's really
good-looking, I don't know.

- Wait, lemme tell
you somethin'.

You wanna know who
is a real jagoff?

- Who?

- Truman.
- Truman?

- Oh, Truman.

He's a total jagoff.

Think about it, he
creates the CIA,

then he gets us
in the Korean War,

then NATO, that's got
Truman all over it.

And let's not forget
that the foreign policy

we are still living
with to this day.

- Yeah.
- Truman

is the W. Bush of his time.

- And to top all that he was
a St. Louis Cardinals fan!

- Jagoff!
- There's no bigger jagoff

in the world--
- Jagoff!

- than a St. Louis Cardinal fan!

- Jagoff!

Hey, think about this.

Sacagawea, her.

- [Stevie] (laughs) Thought
about a lot of things.

Yeah.

- Yeah, she's out there,
Lewis and Clark, her.

All that time.

I wonder which one of
those guys she boned.

What do you think,
Lewis or Clark?

Who would you bone
if you were her?

I bet she boned both of them.

- How'd we do on house, Dad?

- I told you I'd
unpack, didn't I?

All my cherished goods are
completely out of order.

What is that cabinet, I mean...

I've gotta fix that, okay?

Did it come like that?

- Uncle Stevie, can
I get you a beer?

- Old cheapo's gonna
buy me a drink.

Yes you can.

You know what though,
you are losin' somethin'.

It ain't your wallet,
it ain't your ring,

it's your hair, my
friend! (laughing)

- Waving goodbye,
it's waving goodbye.

- And by the way, Sacagawea,
she will bang both of them.

- Don't forget you said
you'd watch Liam tomorrow.

- Obviously we ran
out of options.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. (laughing)

Look how light he
is in those loafers.

- Barry, you came.

- Miss out on an event that
we're never gonna remember

for the rest of our lives?

- I've never heard of
somebody celebrating

three years before.

- Well, honey, when
your husband's a 10

and you're a schleppy

five,

uh, three, okay

every day you should celebrate.

- Sally, I expected you
to have better taste

than Simon and
Buttfunkle over here.

Barry, couldn't wear a tie?

Covers up your entire body?

(clears throat)

- Hi Ted.
- Hi Sally, how are you?

- I thought they
only had these things

at wakes and weddings.

Your pen is dead.

- Hold on, I might have one.

Here you go.

- What's this?

- Never seen one of these?

Barry is a tool.

Barry is a tool.

It's good, right?

- Oh.
- I know.

I thought you'd like that.

(cell phone buzzes)

I'm runnin' outta hands
here, I'm so popular.

Oh, I gotta go, I'll be back.

Barry.

- Get me a drink, Barry.

- The line's back there, pal.

- Who are you, the bouncer?

- Actually, I am, Barry.

(chattering)

(chatting and laughing)

- Happy third anniversary.

Just christened the
bathroom in the hot new bar.

- Because as your attorney,
these are the details

that I really wanna know.

- So, what's the
deal with that guy?

- That's George.

Jack's Facebook friend.

- Bro, your mom left you
for a dude on MySpace

and you are okay with your
wife having a Facebook friend?

- My husband, and they're
friends from high school.

- Whatever, you know
how I look at that.

Husband, wife, I don't
know who plays what.

But, I watch a lot
of daytime TV now,

and you are at least
two episodes away

from bein' cryin' on
a Dr. Phil episode.

- Where's Fiona?

- Yeah, I wasn't gonna tell you.

- What is so funny?

- I don't know.

- 100 likes.

- Oh my God, 57 retweets.

- Dude, your Instagram
is blowing up. (laughing)

- I don't know yet.

What's so funny?

(mumbling)

Okay.

- [Jack] Ted.

- Gettin' it on with the missus.

- So long Barry,
I'm taking a taxi.

- Sally, where are you going?

I hope you're not gonna
have a grudge with me

over this promotion.

- You got the promotion?

- I love you.

I didn't wanna ruin
our anniversary party.

I was gonna tell you
about the promotion.

- I'm gonna kick you
right in your mangina!

Come here!

- Damn, devil woman!

- Call me Lucifer,
honey! (laughing)

- Hey Ted, 5,000
views, congratulations.

You're now a statistic!

- Alright, phones,
everyone, phones!

Now.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, hi, yeah, Ted Gout.

Yeah, I could get you...

How's Carrie Wood work for
you on the 10 o'clock news?

Carrie Wood, 20 Ks.
(snapping)

20 Ks.

Why are you even calling me,

you don't know any of
the players' names?

Can I call you back?

Thank you.

Barry.

Ann Sathers

is my place of zen.

- I just came by to let you know

that I took down the video.

I got your husband's
legal threats.

Anyway, I'm super busy
today so I need you

and your team to formulate
campaign ideas, okay?

- Yeah, we're gonna have
a full day, you know,

get some mani pedis
(phone chimes)

and then we're gonna
get our hair done.

- Hey Ted, your phone's ringing.

- I hear it, guy.

- Oh, what's the matter, Teddy?

I thought you were
done with technology.

Oh, you can't live
without it? (scoffs)

Don't be an idiot.

- Idiot.
- Idiot.

- You know, listen.

I'm just blessed that this
stuff comes easy to me.

- Are you blessed, Barry?

Are you really blessed?

You're so blessed, Barry,

everything about your life
is friggin' blessed, great.

- Pretty much.

- Oh, by the way bro, I
ain't comin' in today.

- Ted, you can't do that.

- I can do whatever I
want, Barry, I'm Ted Gout.

- Ted!

- That was gay!

(soft music)

- Alright, tell me
more about that.

- No, I just go to
work and come home

and cook dinner for my husband

and then I'm like, that's it.

You're like living the
spiciest life right now.

- Well then we'll have to
go out, I'll take you out.

- Where, where are we going?

- I don't know.
- Oh my God,

I haven't been out in forever.

Tell me--
- Stop, you are boring--

- Why are you home?

- A very is sitting in
your office right now.

- Do you have to be home?

- Am I interrupting something?

- I don't know.

Jorge, is he
interrupting something?

- What?
- Play along.

- But I'm not--
- It's funny.

- Okay, fine.

This, no, you are not
because we are just friends.

- [Jack] Friends?

What do you mean?

You said we'd go back
to bedroom and take off

all our clothes!

- Oh, you're right, I forgot.

Shirt, shoes--

- [Both] Socks!

- We are leaving, Ted.

Please go to store and
pick up prescription.

Come on.

George, we go have sex now.

Bye bye.

- Wait, did you just say
you're going to your office

to have sex?

That's what you said?

- Yes.

Chill out.

Bae?
- Yes.

- You take me to my office now.

- Right away.

(murmuring)

- Wait wait wait wait, hey.

I'm bae!

I'm the bae!

I'm bae.

(instrumental music)

- What is that?

- Hungarian beef stick.

- I see.

I'm Norm.

- Norm, I'm Ted Gout.

What do you got there, Norm?

- Oh, this is a sundial.

- A sundial?

- Yes, to tell the time.

- I'm just making sure
you're not screwing with me.

Sundial to tell the time?

- Mm hmm.
- You don't use a watch?

- No.

I don't care much
for electronics.

- Not even a watch?

- No, no, and I don't have

video game systems, email.

- [Ted] Come again?

- I mean I don't
use the internet.

- At all?
- At all.

I have a landline.

- A landline?

They still make those?

- Yeah.

I mean they did an article
on me in Chicago Magazine.

- Really?
- Yeah, you didn't read it?

- No.
- No?

Basically I can get
any table I want

at a Chili's restaurant
if it's before 5:30.

- Huh.

Is it difficult to get a
table at Chili's before 5:30?

- Some people recognize me.

I've been recognized.

- What's not to recognize, Norm?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

- They got my good side.

- Mm hmm.

So Norm, what do
you do for a living

without these cell phones?

- I'm in investments, I invest.

- You're in investments?

That's great, but the market's
on the internet, isn't it?

- No no no, I invest in
businesses that I believe in.

Not at the market, land
of 1,000 douche bags.

The market.
- Market.

- Yeah.

- What's this number?

- That is the bedroom phone.

- The bedroom phone?

I love it.

(light music)

- Stop the presses!

- You're not gonna find what
you're lookin' for over here.

- What am I looking for?

(scoffs)

Hmm.

You're sick of technology.

You're tired of
the world wide web.

You're lookin' to
cut yourself off.

- How'd you know?

- Your face says I'm sick
of life, take me Lord.

- My, my face?
- Yes.

Your face.

Says come to me,
Jesus, and end it all.

- Oh, I don't know.

- You a rotary guy?

Or a wall jack?

- Excuse me?

- Now what you have here

is a rotary phone.

I don't suggest it
for someone who likes

to move around a lot.

Two-foot cord.

I mean, it could work for you.

What are you, about five two?

- I'm five seven.

- (laughing) Yeah, right.

And the fact that you have to

dial in a clockwise motion.
- Mm.

- This is for someone
who's more sitting,

who doesn't want to
move from their spot.

But this bad boy.

We jam this right into the wall.

You can move back and forth,
you can sit, you can lie down,

lotta options with
a phone like this.

I mean technically you
could with a rotary

but you'd have to
carry it around.

- Oh, God.

I don't know.

- What kind of work do you do?

You a salesman?

Retail?

- No, no, I'm a
PR representative.

- Oh, well, look at you!

You're probably too
fancy for one of these,

mister fancy pants big PR rep.

- No, no, no,

I'll take the wall
jack, the wall jack.

- Fine choice, fine choice.

- Alright, alright.

- The cord.

(laughing)

- You're a working man.

Look, I saw that
when you walked in.

I'll tell you what.

I am gonna throw in
a 15-foot long cord

just for you.

- Ooh.
- Also.

I'm gonna throw in a
few classics for you.

You're gonna have a phone
in every room in your house.

- I'm gonna take
it, let's do this.

How much?
- 150.

- 150 for a phone with a cord?

That seems a little steep.

- I thought you said he
was serious about phones.

- Dave.
- Don't waste my time.

- Dave.

Hold on.

Give it a shot.

- Alright, alright, yeah,
I'll take it, I'll take it,

I'll take it.

- You'll take it?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Did you not hear what I said?

I said I was gonna throw
in a few classics for you.

- Makes sense, that
150 makes sense now.

- I'll tell you what.

I'll throw in an
answering machine.

- Well now yeah, 150
of course, of course.

- The one with the
cassettes, right?

- Micro cassette.

- I'm gettin' a steal
then, it's a steal.

- I don't take credit
though, cash only.

ATM down the street.

- Yeah, we're gonna
have to go do that.

- We'll be back.
- Be right back.

(laughing)

- Sucker born every minute.

(classical piano music)

- Hey, put that down, I
wanna show you something.

- Not right now, okay.

One minute.
(laughing)

- Alright, with that
enthusiasm level, I mean

I could just not do
this, that's fine too.

Why am I even bothering?

Alright, alright,
alright, alright.

Ready?

A little something
for our love dungeon.

- The actually glory
of cell phones is that

we don't have to have this.

We have people to call us
on our cell phones, Ted.

Are you having like
a nervous breakdown?

- You're not getting it.

- Is this about that video?

- Okay, okay.
- He took it down,

you know that right?

It all went through,
I made that happen.

- I know, you make
everything happen, babes.

But you're not like, I'm
trying to cut us down

on technology and like...

Okay, okay, okay.

Remember when you
were in junior high

and you had some crush that
you were like really into

and you had one
of these bad boys.

And you would give him a buzz,
- Mm.

- and their mother would pick
up and you'd be real nervous

and you would talk about,
you know, to your crush

about whatever junior high
kids talk about, pizza, right?

But like, that was
living, that, oh,

was a good time.

- God, that was so fun.

I have a meeting in Chicago now,

I'm gonna be so late.

Can we please talk
about this after?

- Wait wait wait wait wait.

Later today you have
a meeting in Chicago?

- Yes.
- No, no no no.

Kevin's bringing Liam over,
I've gotta watch Liam,

we're going to the park.

I need, right, but I need
someone here for the cable guy

when he comes over and
installs our phones.

- Okay, getting
legislation for women

to get equal rights or
let the cable guy out.

Jeez Ted.

I don't know, what will I do?

- How about

maybe all the pro bono work

that you do all the time?

You know, don't forget,
I lost the promotion.

We don't got all that
kinda money comin' in.

I could use you to
help earn around here.

Like, all you're ever doin'
is helping other people.

Pro bono, pro bono.

Which is great, but like
give me a little attention,

give me a little love.
- Wonderful.

For years, Ted, you go
to school to learn law.

All sorts of law.

Entertainment law,
contract law, federal law,

law law law.

And then?

You actually get to practice it.

And for me, for people
who actually need it.

So if you have a problem with
how much I'm getting paid,

then you don't understand
that I'm actually

helping people stand
up for themselves.

- Pick up the phone, come on.

Answer it for me, please.

(sighs)

- I was at work today.

- Yeah?

- Everyone saw this.

Every single person at my
office saw our sex tape.

Guys were comin' up to me,
high fivin' me left and right,

saying, "Good job for
being in a sex tape, man!"

Do you know what I didn't do?

Buy a phone with cords
on it and lose my mind.

How about that?

- Okay, okay.

Duly noted.

- Keep it together, sexy.

(light music)

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Now I have to go
get ready, please.

- How you like the new shirt?

- I'd like it better
if it was buttoned up.

- I'm gettin' there.

- All the way.

(knocking)

- I think that's K.

K!
- Hey!

Ted.
- How's it going?

- [K] How you doin'?

- Alright K, Cousin
K, you know Larry.

Larry, Cousin K.

- How's it going, man?

- So.

- So show me where
your pilot takes place.

- Pilot, like?

- No, no no, K speaks in cable.

So you know, big TV fan.

Anyways, it's
where the setup is,

the setup's over here.

- Alright.
- Yeah.

Do you need Larry and
I here to like leave

for a little while?

We can go to Applebee's,

we can check out Friday's--

- No, you're all set.

You're good to go.

Here's the number
for your residence.

- That's it, huh?

Oh, what do you know?

Huh!

This is fun.

Am I wrong, am I wrong?

Alright, I'm not wrong.

Alright.

- Oh my God, I haven't
seen one of those.

- Huh?

Huh?

This has gotta be great for you.

- I love this, are
you kiddin' me?

Yeah, push it, there
you go, come on.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

Alright, okay.

How do we do this,
what do we say?

- Just wing it, just
wing it, just wing it.

- Yeah, push record.

- Alright, alright, alright.

Wanna get a good one
in here, you know.

Alright.

Hi.

You've reached

Ted Gout and Jack Gout.

- And Cousin K.

- And luscious Larry Valentine.

What?

- Okay, anyways, you
can leave a message

after the beep.

Do I go beep?

- No, just hit stop.

- Okay, oh, yeah yeah yeah.

- Just right there.
- No the lid.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

Alright, alright, alright.

- We're done, we're good.

- That was a good one, right?

- Yeah, record a message

on your 10th century
answering machine.

- Let's test all this out.

I'll call Norm, tell
him to come on by,

you guys can meet Norm.

- Who's Norm?

- The one that's
trying to live his life

like he trying to
piss off his daddy?

You have fun with that one.

- Haters gonna hate.

- Bro!

Yo!

I love the '90s!

Dope.

Walkman with the headphones.

- Oh, Walkman, absolutely man.

- Let us thank
the cannabis lord.

While we thanking
him, you do that.

Cords, I got all these cords.

You can tell this was the '90s.

- Best of New Edition.

I'll take that.

Ah man, now that's music.

(light music)

Someone will be over
between 10 and three today.

Didn't you get a call
about this yesterday?

- Hey.

It's three already.

- Don't worry about it, man.

We never actually come.

Whoa.

Dude.

What are you doin'?

Ted, this guy's a narc!

- What?

Wha?
- You sent over

a stool pigeon!
- No!

- What are you thinkin', man?

I'm supposed to be on the job.

(laughing)

It's not funny,
this is not funny.

- So you were high, huh?

Well this just keeps
gettin' better.

- You know the phone

was supposed to be

a means for people
to communicate.

Now it just seems like,

like it offers
1,000 different ways

for people to avoid
direct communication.

- Bro, who is this dude, really?

Look, I order pizzas
with my phone,

I open the garage with my phone,

I open car doors with my phone,

I order gifts with my
phone, I use Amazon, eBay,

Livin' Social,
Groupon, bootleg sites,

get Christmas gifts, I
watch porn on my phone,

from four different
sites, I have no viruses.

Do you see this
seven-inch screen?

If it had a mouth and long
hair that wasn't weave,

feet with no corns like she
really has a baby toenail,

she got an ample bottom
with no pimples on her booty

and beautiful breasts with
just the perfect nipples,

I would never need a person
in my life ever but my phone.

(knocking)

- Who's that?

- Kevin!

- Oh God!

One minute.

(jazz music)

Sorry.

Comin' through, comin' through.

Ooh!

(groaning)

(coughing)

- Hey bro, thank you for
watching little Liam today.

Ooh, is that an Uncle Sammy's?

Oh, double meat.

(sniffing)

Why's it smell like
Febreeze in here?

Goddamn, you.

Mm.

You're high.

Really?

- I'm not high, I'm like
medium, but it's all good,

it's all good, I'm like medium.

- Alright Liam, go sit on
the couch and do nothing

for two hours, nothing.

Jesus, just give him
a tablet or something.

- A tablet?

He's four.

- He's five.

Who has it?

- K, do it.

- My arch nemesis, cousin Kevin.

- Still a degenerate after
all these years, I see, eh K?

Later.

- Bye, sorry.

Love ya.

- Ted left.

I can't run a campaign with
missing components here.

- What is wrong with you?

Who would post this video?

Who would do that?

- I,

I thought I took it down.

- I thought I took it down.

Oh come on,

you idiot!

- Come on Fiona, it's funny.

- Timmy!

- Oh come on, Fiona, it's funny!

- Get me Ted on
the phone, please.

- Yes ma'am.

- Hey, what about a show?

- Check a newspaper
for the times.

- I don't get a newspaper.

- I'm gonna check for the times

and if you rat me
out I will hurt you.

- We'll call from the landline.

- Holy crap.

I haven't seen a Yellow
Pages in forever.

- What we gonna do with
the miniature here?

Like what do you do, little man?

(whining)

- We're going to the movies!

(chatting and laughing)

- [Man] Like you are, with
a boxing ring. (laughing)

- Wait a second, this
is where we're going?

I can't go in here.

- Why can't you?

I said we're going to
the Biograph, Biograph.

- I didn't know it
was this Biograph.

I am banned for life
from this place.

- For what?

- I was recording some
movies on my phone.

- Pirating?

That's stealing.

- It was just for
my own personal use.

I wasn't gonna sell it.

I can't do it, guys.

I'm out.

- Where you going, where's he...

- I don't know,
but I guarantee you

he ain't getting there on time.

Cable men never do.

I've been waiting on my
cable man for three years.

- Ted, it's Fiona.

Listen, I want to
just let you know

that the stakes, you
know, for this account,

it's just my legacy,
your job, the business,

you know, no biggie.

- I got this.

- Machine cut me off, get
him back, get him back.

Would you just please shut
your mouth hole right now?

Seriously, sit down,
just sit there!

Did I take my vitamin C today

or did I not take my vitamin C?

Timmy?

- [Timmy] I think
you did, yes ma'am.

- Do you have Ted back?

- [Timmy] No ma'am.

- Can anybody do anything

or am I runnin' the show myself?

- So, bite to eat?

- Where you wanna go?

Hot dogs, hamburgers,
hamburgers?

- Burgers.

- Can I just say
that was sublime?

- Oh dude.

I never thought I'd say this,

but that Chris Pratt
is a handsome fella.

Better than the
stuff he was doing

pattin' the dinosaurs
on the head.

And that Jessica Chastain,
she was a rock (mumbles).

- By the way, if I can see
every Nancy Meyers movie high,

I'd be in heaven.

Oh, I don't think it was
Jessica Chastain, though.

I think it was
Bryce Dallas Howard.

Or was it Eddie Redmayne?

I don't know, they
all look alike to me.

- I was just thinking.

Kevin still has K's weed.

And he's gonna be missing that.

- Kevin.

Yeah, we'll get it back
from him when he comes

to pick up Liam.

- [All] Liam!

(dramatic music)

(orchestral music)

- Oh God, okay, okay.

Oh, why's she gotta make
two-hour-long movies?

I hate Nancy Meyers.

- Why do the previews
have to be 20 minutes?

- Okay look.

Just let me call Kevin,
it's an emergency,

I'll use my phone.

- No, Kevin's
number's in my phone.

- What the hell
is wrong with you?

- [Jack] Whoa, whoa whoa
whoa, what's the rush?

Where are you going?

- Nope.

- Oh, my God!

- What are you doin'?

What are you doin'?

Stop.

Another step and you're dead.

Alright, hang out
here buddy, okay?

Play with your Tamagotchi.

Okay, alright, good boy.

- Whoa, Kevin, relax,
relax, back off man!

Whoa.

- Dude.

- What the hell is goin' on?

- Why don't you ask
mister mid-life crisis

what's going on here?

Him and his friends got high

and left my kid in
your apartment all day!

- You idiot.

- Come on.
- You moron!

You have a child
and you get high?

What the heck is wrong with you?

- Jeez!

- How do you think it feels
when your kid calls you

and tells you he's been
alone for two hours?

- He called you?

- Thank heavens!

- Wait, he has a phone?

He's five.

Who's he callin', his mistress?

- His father when his
uncle neglects him!

- Fine, look at him,
he's right over here,

it's all good.

He's all good, come here buddy.

Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's got,

Well, he may be a little
high, I don't know,

he's got one shoe off.

- A little high, that's--
- That was a joke!

- that's great.

- It was a joke!

- Did you get into the booze,
did you get into the pop, huh?

Huh, are you okay?

- He's fine, you left
him with four guys

watchin' stoner flicks,
what do you expect?

- Say goodbye to Uncle.
- Bye Uncle.

- Bye guy, see ya.

Bye Liam.

- Okay, the child.

You put the child in danger.

- Mmm...

I wouldn't say, neglect that's
such a dirty, filthy word.

I would say, uh...

Oh, I didn't tell you
the part of the story

where my husband was
home the entire time

and they were playin'.

(laughing) You know.

- What the hell has
gotten into you?

(groaning and laughing)

Damn.

- You do look good.

- So good.

Hey, I don't need you
to tell me that, okay?

Tell me I look smart.

(groaning)

- You know, I shouldn't even
be watching kids anyways.

Remember what I told you when
you said you wanted a dog?

- Yes.

You said we don't
need to buy anything

that needs to be fed.

Swoon.

- What do you want
for dinner, Chinese?

(sighs)

I'm still hungry.

- Ted, no, I'm not hungry.

You smoked!

Without me!

Like, that's our thing, right?

Like I come home and
you have it ready for me

and we have a cute little
moment and we like connect

after a long day.

And you endangered our nephew

and you don't even seem to care!

And you smoked without me
man, like what's up with that?

- So that's a soft
yes on Chinese, right?

(groans)

- I like the stars.

What do the stars
look like to you?

- Okay right over
here I see titties.

- I do too.

Those are Madonna's titties.

- Oh, damn.

- And over here,
Sharon Stone's titties.

- Oh!
- And oh, (laughing)

they're touching each other.

- Wow.

Oh damn!

Oh, she's got like
a third nipple.

- Yeah.

You know they're older than us.

Madonna and Sharon Stone
are older than me and you.

- Really?
- And they look pretty good.

- Oh my God, they look amazing.

- They don't look as good as
we do, but they look good,

you know?

- They don't look
as good as we do.

- No.
(laughing)

- I'm thinking about gettin'
back into wrestling shape.

- Seriously?
- You know,

I'm thinking about,

you know.
- Oh, wow.

- I was a prime, you
know, third in state

in high school.
- You were good.

I will tell you
this, you were good,

but I could always
put you in the half

and get you down for
the count., because

no matter what you could
not get out of the Windsor.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh come on.
- Crazy.

- You know what,
I'll do it right now.

I will do it, come on.

- I don't even think
you can sit up.

- I will do it right now.

- I'll give you $100
if you can sit up.

- Oh go to hell.

- Oh you're crazy.

You're crazy.

- Let me tell you somethin',
now this is the truth.

Nobody, nobody threw
a curve ball like you

and that is something I
tell your son all the time.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well, you know what?

You had a very,
very good hook too.

- Well yes, I could always
strike you out with it,

that is true.

- Well that is something.

We did have some fun.

Remember workin' on
cars in the garage?

We did that.

- Oh, that was awesome, yes.

- Or the bunk beds
we had upstairs

and we'd pee out the window.

- Oh, that's right, oh!

Dad got so pissed!

- 'Cause he had to repaint
the side of the house

with the yellow streak!

- That streak goin' right down.

- Then we'd sneak out
there to go see girls.

- Oh man.
- Do all that?

- And then we'd get
caught and he would

kick the shit out of us.

- He'd kick the shit out of us

whether we got caught or not.

- Yeah. (laughing)

Yeah, he was kinda angry.

- Yeah, he was very angry.

- He was very angry.
- Yeah.

We lifted weights in the garage,

that's probably why we
lifted so much weights.

- Yes!

- We were getting ready.

For the day when
we'd take him on.

- As protection.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, bastard died too soon.

- [Chuck] Yeah, I
was ready though,

I always had your back.

- You did.
- Yeah.

- You always did.
- Yeah, I was ready.

(light music)

You know what, I think
we should hit the jazz.

Coltrane, Miles Davis.

- Wait no no no,
Kennedy's totally doowop.

Yeah, it's more complete.

It's like go up the
hill in the Caddy

and you got your chill music.

- Are you crazy?

So Kennedy is
chillin' with chicks

listening to Deon
and the Belmonts?

- Hell yes he was.

- You're crazy.

But what do I know?

I was getting laid to
Springsteen every night.

- Oh please, who let you
bang them to the Boss?

- Oh a lot of people.

Sophia Smothers.

- Oh no, no no no.

Stanky McJanky
Smothers? (laughing)

No!

Stanky, woo!

Whoa!

- And Jenna Jockey.

(laughing)
Yeah.

- Jenna Jawbone?
- Yeah.

- Let me tell you somethin'.

I ran into her, I don't
know, about three weeks ago.

- Yeah, how'd she look?

- Like us.

- Oh my God, that's horrible.

- It was heartbreaking.
- That's disgusting.

- You're reminiscing skanks
girlfriends past again?

- You left my nephew alone?

- My grandson?

- Yes, your grandson.

- I would yell but
I'm very hungry.

- Oh, thanks for
savin' me some joe.

This'll keep me up for
another two minutes.

- It does stunt your growth.

(groaning)
- Somethin' stunted it.

- I better go get dressed,

gotta get ready for work.

- Let me guess,
he kicked you out.

- [Ted] I left
under my own accord.

- Yeah.
- Oh did you?

Okay, okay.

- Listen to me Teddy, go
home, don't be a dummy.

Okay how about this?

What about Brenda?

Brenda was hot.
- Brenda was dirty.

I liked that about her.

She was dirty, she was
a pirate and a hooker.

- (laughing) Dirty
pirate hooker!

- And she had the, it was
funny because she had the,

she was missing a hand.

And it was back when you could
make fun of people for that.

- Exactly.
- She had the hook, ow.

(imitates Brenda)
- Yeah yeah yeah.

- And sometimes she'd
put the hook up my ass.

- Yeah, well she put
it up everybody's ass!

- She nailed that prostate.

- You'd get yelling--
- Wow!

(light music)

- Mr. Sandberg, Ryne.

I like to look at the
Cubs as right here

but me and you together,

we could put 'em up here.

We can put them right there,
big guy, yeah, there we go.

There we go.

Yes!

- Remember, this place
is nothin' without you.

Ted, you helped
build this place.

They have this account
because of you, okay?

- Yeah.
- You got this?

- I got it.
- You ready?

- We got it, I'm goin' in.

- Okay.

- Ted.

I need a coffee.

Think you could grab me one?

Or maybe a croissant? (laughing)

- Carbs?

- There are carbs
in a croissant?

- Bryce, other Bryce,
how are you today?

- Um, neither of us are Bryce.

- Yeah, well nevertheless,
Bryce, Bryce,

we'll see you upstairs, goodbye.

Oh hey listen, listen.

Just practice what
you preach, Ted.

Let Fiona know how
you feel, okay?

Mission, truth-telling.

Just walk up there
and lay it out.

Alright?

Come on, you got
this, let's do it.

- Hi, I've been calling
you all weekend, Ted.

- There is no Ted, only Zuul.

- What, do you not answer
your cell phone anymore?

- Oh, I'm getting out of the
whole cell phone racket, Fiona.

- What does that mean?

- That means that
I see the future.

- Okay, just tell me,
is this a Barry thing?

- No no no no, Barry's
your screw-up, not mine.

- Okay, so,

now that we're all here.

- You know what?

It's so funny,
coming to work today.

All the technology.

Everyone's always
on their phones.

Kids with their heads
buried in their phones

all the time, walkin' and
textin', drivin' and textin'.

Everybody on their phones.

Look at Google for
brains over here.

- Yeah.

- Oh Barry.

(overlapping voices)

Remember the movie
2001: A Space Odyssey?

It's a classic, it's a classic.

Hal, you know how Hal
turns on all of us, Barry?

You know that?

Do you know about that?

You probably wouldn't, Barry.

Because Barry, you should
see 2001: A Space Odyssey.

It was made in
1968, it's in color.

It's a good movie.

You know-nothing pre-2000
waste of human skin.

- Okay, are we done with
the film reviews now?

I'm gonna say this once,

and then we're gonna
start this meeting

and you're gonna
get back to work

if you want to continue
to have a job here, okay?

The more connected you
are, the more opportunities

that you have and the more
opportunities you have,

the more money you can make.

If you can be on top of
whatever product is hot

at that moment, you can be king.

Got it?

We have Jacob and...

- If someone doesn't
put their foot down

and lead the way, we
are gonna go down a road

with these tech companies
that we cannot recover from!

- (laughing) Okay, Ted.

I apologize for the way
that we're starting off.

Jacob, could you please--
- Absolutely.

- give us a big push there?

Thank you my dear.

- It's your fiction
that interests me.

Your studies of interplay

and the human
motive and emotion.

Isaac Asimov.

- You're fired.

Fiona Sanders.

I cannot have a breakdown today.

I cannot have it.

You have got one of the
biggest players here

in Chicago effing history
and you are making a scene.

- You can't fire me.

Just because I don't
want to be some droid,

void of life?

You can't fire me.

Because I, 'cause I
want to live naturally?

- Just did.

So sorry.

We are...

are going to hear these pitches

which I have a very
good feeling about.

(somber music)

- You!

I remember you!

You're the guy that almost
hit me with the truck.

I remember you, with the phone!

- What, this phone?

See you later buddy!

- I'm back.

You know, I was just
thinking about something.

If you wouldn't mind giving
me one second of your time.

Hey girl, hey.

I was thinking
about simple times

and how much I miss 'em.

- Oh.

- [Ted] That's what I was
thinking about right there.

- You have lost
your goddamn mind.

- Hi Barry, yep, this thing's
attached to your ear, Barry.

Simple times, buddy.

That's what I'm thinking about.

What do you got there, Barry?

Don't be scared.

What do you got there, Barry?

500 people in this
building, Barry,

and you can't ask one of
them to take your picture?

Really?

Is that how antisocial
you've gotten?

You know Barry,

you don't understand the
power that's in your hands.

You're so entitled.

I hate your stinking,
breathing guts.

(clapping)

- I'm so sorry.

- He's short, but we could
use him on the bench.

(orchestral music)

- Hey.
- Hi.

Thanks for comin'.

- I'm sorry if I'm
working too much.

- No, you're fine.

You're helpin' out other people

I love that about you.

- [Jack] Thanks.

- It's just, you know.

I get a little
jealous sometimes.

- Why are you jealous?

- 'Cause sometimes
I want to have you

all to myself.

- Aw.

That's sweet.

I made dinner.

- Oh did you?
- Mm hmm.

- [Ted] Yeah?

- Couldn't get a
reservation at Olive Garden.

- Who deals with a
hostess at Olive Garden?

- [Jack] Me, Jack Gout.

(laughing)

(groaning and laughing)

- You there, you awake?
- Mm hmm.

- Quit your job.

- What?

- Yeah, let's do what we
said what we were gonna do

when we retire now,
let's quit our jobs.

- I'm not quitting my job.

- Oh.

I quit mine.

- You quit your job?

- Well I mean
technically I got fired.

- Ted!

- What?

Like come on, we said
we were gonna get an RV

and travel and, you know,

eat out of woks and
read trashy novels.

- Ted.

I don't know how to
react to you this week.

We can't just quit our jobs.

We don't have that
kind of nest egg.

We can't just quit working.

- Sure we can.

- No.

Like literally we cannot.

Would you consider seeing
a doctor or something?

Your weather and traffic
is way off, babe.

- A doctor?

'Cause I'm crazy?

'Cause my ideas are crazy?

'Cause the rest of the
world's doing one thing

and I'm doing somethin' else?

Is that why I'm crazy?

Did you ever think about maybe

the rest of the world's
crazy and I'm the normal one?

But you know what?

(laughing)

I'm gonna write a book.

I'm gonna travel.

I'm gonna do it all
without technology.

And you know why?

Because I'm Ted Gout.

And if you don't like it,

it's probably because I'm
not like Barry or George.

- George?

George?

That is what this is
all about? (scoffs)

What is your
obsession with George?

Why am I always
chasin' after you?

(soft music)

(honking)

(orchestral music)

- Larry!

(grunting)

Or the trunk, whatever.

- Whatever, whatever.

Man.

I needed this.

I needed a break from
tossing out bearded drunks

with skinny jeans,
I needed this.

We goin' campin'!

We goin' campin'! (laughing)

- Ted.

Look what I got.

- [Ted] You got cassettes.

- [Norm] Yeah, what do you
think I got in here, clothes?

(jazzy piano music)

(growling)

- Alright, Wisconsin.

Beautiful summer day or what?

Gorgeous!

(soft harmonica music)

Larry!

- Ted!

- I thought you were in
charge of the cooler.

- Yeah.

I brought a cooler.

- There's no ice, there's
no brews, it's empty.

- Yeah, I brought a
cooler for campin'.

- How much cash you got on you?

- I got a couple of bucks.

- Norm?

- Nothin'.

- No credit?

- I don't have credit.

- You're an investor, Norm.

You don't have credit?

- Um, not when they all go under

and you have to declare
bankruptcy. (chuckling)

(light music)

- Oh no.

You told me

to cut the technology,
to cut the cord.

You told me I didn't need it.

That you're an investor,
you invest money, Norm.

You didn't need it.

- Yes, after my surgery,

I dropped technology

and I became an investor.

Those investments, you
ever hear of penny stocks?

- Oh God.

- Well I mean technically--

- Larry, butt out!

Wait, what surgery?

- I used to get
epileptic seizures, yeah.

They took part of my
brain out. (clicks)

Now I'm all good.

- No.

All the big talks,

all the life-changing
affirmations,

even you

got a cell phone, Norm?

- It's for emergencies, Ted.

I never use it.

- You got it!

God you're stupid, Norm.

- I'm not stupid.

My mom makes me carry it.

- That's a little
over the line, Ted.

So what?

He has a phone?

These Walkmans, compasses,
this SUV, even your landline

were all new technology
at some point.

I mean, snap out
of it, look at you.

You were about to kill
Norm and for what?

A cell phone he rarely uses?

This was fun for a while, Ted.

A few days to be exact.

But come back to reality.

You alright?

Cool.

(bright music)

- Hey brother.

It's cool, we got plenty.

- Your wife growled at me.

- Yeah, that's how
she says hello.

Come chill for a bit.

- So, how you feel about
having a black dude

at your campsite?

- It's cool Larry, just keep
smilin' so we can see you.

(chuckling)

- We gonna keep
prayin' for that chair.

Alright.
(chuckling)

- Lighten up, will ya?

Look around you, we're
all having a great time.

- That's my girl.

Isn't she the best?

So what's the story, you
guys married or what?

- Oh no, not for me,
no, absolutely not.

- No.

- What about you, Teddy?

- Yeah, I'm married.

- Where's your wife?

Boy's weekend?
(cell phone rings)

- [Larry] Oh shit.

- What?

(cell phone rings)

- We gon' get on up outta here.

- Where the hell's he goin'?

- I got my Fig Newtons in there.

Hey, what's your problem, man?

- Get outta there!

- [Ted] What do
you need this for?

You don't need this,
you're camping!

- [Wife] Let me get him.

(blow thudding)
(groaning)

(orchestral music)

- Hey guy, can I use your phone?

- No.

- Is there a
payphone around here?

- They still have those?

There's a cell phone
store right there.

- Okay.

Sure, no problem.

Yeah, and I'll sign
you up tomorrow.

I gotta go, a creepy
dude just walked in.

Hi, I'm Chaz, can I help you?

- I need to make a phone call.

- Don't we all?

That's why we're here.

- No, no, I need to make a call.

- Please don't, sir, don't
touch the phone, okay?

Don't touch it.

Let me show you the Ultanium.

- The Ultanium?
- Look at that.

Yeah, it's between platinum
and ultimate, the Ultanium.

- If you're ultimate
already, right,

you're like ultimate, why
do you need to be platinum?

It doesn't really matter.

I just need to make
one call please.

- Please sir, don't
touch my phone.

- Okay, okay.

- Look at this Ultanium,
are you kiddin' me?

This baby's got a camera
that'll blow the red away.

Okay, look at that.

And, and,

it's got a GPS in the sky.

Ain't that awesome?

Plus it'll take
your fingerprints

and store all your
information, and guess what?

You never have to worry
about your information again,

you know why?

Hey, look at me.

'Cause it's right
here on the Ultanium.

- Can I like stick my
tool in it and screw it?

- Well sir, that's
disgusting, but no.

Not on this version.

- Maybe I wasn't being clear.

I just need to
make a phone call.

- [Chaz] On the phone.

- No, on your shoe, guy.

Yeah, on the phone.

- You're getting irate.

- [Ted] (groaning) Can I just--

- Sir, don't touch my phone.

- Okay, I don't
need a new phone,

I got a phone, I got two phones.

I had two phones.

- [Chaz] Sir, take a breath.

- This did nothing for me.

- So that's a no on the phone?

- [Ted] That's a no.

That's a no.

- Asshole.

Hello?

Yes, thank you.

(bright music)

- [Ted] And uh,

that's how we got
to where we are?

- Sometimes we get downtime.

Because we're the suburbs, we
don't get as many criminals

as the city does, so.

In our downtime

we crack some jokes.

So here, I got an
old joke for you.

This guy's out in a boat,
he's in the middle of nowhere

in the ocean, he's
lost, prayin' to God.

And so the boat comes by.

Boaters look at him and go
hey, you need some help?

Guy goes no, I got faith
in God, I'm gonna be fine.

So they pull away and then
a helicopter comes by,

sees the guy, comes down, hey
buddy, you need some help?

He says no, no, I got faith
in God, I'm gonna be fine.

Helicopter goes away.

Couple of days the guy dies.

Goes up to heaven, he meets God.

He says, God, what happened?

I had faith in you and
you didn't help me.

And God says, "I sent a
boat and a helicopter,

"what the hell are
you doing here?"

- That's good, I mean it's uh,

I'm not a God guy

so I don't know if I'm
following the point.

- Your husband, wife, whatever.

He asked to help.

Your boss asked to help
you, your friend Larry.

You really want to
find out the hard way

that that's the only help
you're ever gonna get?

(knocking)

- Oh, divine intervention.

- Okay, you can go now.

- You know Ted, it's alright
not havin' all the answers.

In fact, sometimes knowin'
that you don't know

all the answers is the
most important thing.

'Cause then you can truly be.

But when it comes
to your husband...

The best part of this job

is when I get to ask
questions and listen.

You'd be amazed how
far that'll get you.

- Thank you.

- Don't be such an asshole.

- Turns out a pedestrian
was recording with his phone

the robbery inside the store.

He posted it on YouTube,
owner identified the thief,

the department sends
their deepest apologies.

- YouTube.

- Please, YouTube
saved you, pal.

- A turd this big.

Your fat ass?

Yeah, okay, okay.

- I had a turd that big but
it didn't stand a chance.

When you took a look
at me, I clenched.

- Yeah, I bet you did.

- [Ted] Oh shit.

- I called Jack,
he didn't pick up,

so when I called your dad
they were on the golf course

and they insisted
I come get 'em.

- Hey, hey you.

Get your butt in
the car right now.

- You took us off
the golf course.

What did I tell you about the
goddamn golf course, Teddy?

Huh, you little turd?

- Hey, where you goin'?

Get back here!

- Out in, in out, what
do you want me to do?

Where do you want me to go?

What are we doin'?

- [Chuck] Hey watch
it, smart-ass.

- Okay, the golf
course is sacred, okay?

That is my time
away from the world.

- Listen to me.

I hate the internet.

I hate phones.

Ever since your
mother abandoned us

with that guy from MySpace--

- His name was Tom.

- I told you never to
mention his name again!

- My bad!
- Alright?

- Yes, yes, Tom will never be
said out of my mouth again.

- But the internet is
a part of our life now.

It's an evil that we
have to face, okay?

It's like anal warts.

It's somethin' we
have to deal with.

And if you don't deal
with the internet, son,

you're gonna end up alone.

And it's gonna be sad, okay?

So here's what we're gonna do.

Now you married up.

So we're gonna go home and
you're gonna apologize.

'Cause you don't wanna
lose this marriage

because of somethin' on
Google, are you kidding me?

- He met someone.

- What?

- The Latin guy.
- Oh, Christ.

- Yeah, on Facebook.

- Well, then you're gonna fight.

Not the Latin guy,

'cause he'd kick your butt.
- Oh, he'd kill him.

- Maybe if he was an
Asian you'd have a chance.

- Asian, maybe.

- You're gonna fight
for your marriage, okay?

Listen to me.

I didn't raise an asshole, okay?

Steve here, Steve is an asshole.

- Oh, go to hell,
everyone loves me.

- Son.

Let's go home and
make this happen.

Alright?

Hey.

Let's fight for this.

Hey, remember.

- Yeah?

- Your guy, he's the best.

Son.

You're not so bad yourself.

- Thanks Dad.

- Hey, yo yo yo, listen to me.

Beg for your damn
job back, okay?

Tell them you got that
PTSD thing from technology

or some bullshit like that

because they cannot fight that.

- Alright Uncle Stevie,
that's what I'm gonna do.

- Okay.
- Good, good idea.

- You're a good one, dummy.

- Oh God, I'm too late.

George,

that's my husband.

Okay.

I know you've been a
better man than me lately.

I know you've been
listening to him

and I haven't been
listening to him.

I know you've been
spendin' time with him,

I know you've been talkin'
to him about his work,

and why wouldn't you?

Jack's a superhero.

Fightin' for equality every day.

I get it, and here I am, I'm
pissin' away my marriage.

- [Jack] Shut

up.

- Alright, look, okay.

I knew your husband
in high school.

Alright, we were best friends.

And also we've never had sex

and I promise you we never will.

I mean, to be quite
honest, he's not my type.

Hold on, did you,
did you tell him?

- [Jack] No, I didn't.

- So he doesn't know.

- [Jack] He does not know.

- Okay.

I'm gonna share
somethin' with you

and promise that
you'll just listen?

I was assigned

a vagina at birth.

- Ted,

George was once Georgeanne.

- No, I never really
was Georgeanne.

That was all my
assigned name and sex.

But I've always been George.

- (exhaling) Wow.

(laughing)

Ah, wow.

You know, a wise guy

told me I need to

ask more questions.

Do a little more listening.

Now probably would have been
the time to do that, huh?

- I'm gonna, you know I'm
gonna leave you two be.

Come here.

Just tell him you love him, Ted.

- George moved back
to town last month

and didn't really
have any friends.

A lot of people
weren't very kind

to his reassignment surgery.

It's been a process
to say the least.

That's why I've been hangin'
out with him so much.

- I know I've been a
little crazy lately.

But um...

if you'll still have me,

I'd like just one thing.

- What's that?

- I just want moments.

I just want moments with you.

- Ted.

Ted, I will give you moments

for the rest of your life,

forever more and always.

Okay?

We'll work on it, together.

But Ted,

all I've ever wanted from you

was at the end of the
day, you come home.

(gentle music)

Oh God.

Your meltdown at work?

A million views.

Viral.

Your boyfriend
Barry recorded it.

- Oh my God.

Come on.

- Ted.

You and your husband
have sex, it goes viral.

- Mm hmm.

- You lose your job at work,
and the video goes viral.

- Mm hmm.

- You're gonna be famous
like another three minutes?

Write your third act.

Tell your story.

- Well,

I'm probably gonna need

a lot of our savings
account to do that.

- [Jack] So no house?

- Wow is this really happening?

- I will be honest,

there's a chance my
heart can't take this.

I just don't believe this.

(orchestral music)

(laughing)

- Ah, oh, hey, hey there, whoa.

- We were told to come
to the Edison entrance,

this is Edison, please.

- Hi, I'm Chuck, this is
Steve, we're on the list.

- I don't know who, who are you?

- Bob, Bob, it's okay.

Are you Chuck and Steve?

- Yes, we are Chuck and Steve.

- You're with me, come with me.

- We're goin' in, we're
going in, we're going in!

- Not my responsibility
once you're past that line.

- You're gonna look like
that in like 20 years, so...

- I am aware.

(orchestral music)

- Whoa, whoa.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, oh my God, this
is the best day of my life!

- This is real.

This is so nice.

- Oh my God.

- [Both] No frickin' way.

- Well now, Ryne Sandberg.

Hall of Fame second baseman
for the Chicago Cubs.

- 1984 MVP.

- 10 All-Star games.

- Nine gold gloves.

- In 1990 he won
the Home Run Derby.

- He's six one!

- 175 pounds!

- Seven silver bats,
1,000 plus RBI.

282 home runs,

2,386 hits.

But who's counting?

- We are.

- Yeah, we are.

- Come on guys, get up,
you're creeping me out.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Is he coming?

- Yeah, yeah, he's coming.

(orchestral music)

- [Steve] Shit,
this is happening.

- Whoa, you gotta
sign a release.

- Oh kiss my ass, do you
know who this is, Larry?

- Alright, I know--
- I got this,

I got this, I got this.

- All the years I been--
- Oh, hell no.

- Are you serious, this
is my job, they pay me--

- Oh get outta
here, you're just--

- Larry, Larry, Larry.

We'll square it away
later, it's all good.

- They gotta sign a release.

- Okay, no, I am not gonna sign
anything except a lawyers--

- No!
- Jack!

No, I'm not signin'
nothing, bye bye, dummy.

- Steve, sign right there.

Get your dad, get your
dad, get your dad.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll
go get my dad.

- Better respect my authority.

- Yeah, I'm working on it.

(shouting)

- You look so good, look at you.

- Alright Dad, Uncle Steve,
let's get movin', let's do this.

- [Jack] Let's go.

- Gabe.

- Tell me when.

- Alright.

Action.

(grunts)

- I heard he's
throwin' some hooks.

(sighs)

(chuckles)

- Sh sh sh.

(cheering)

- That's so cool.
- He did it!

- That's so cool.

He actually got the
home run, right?

That's what that thing is?

- That is a home run.
- That's so fun.

(laughing and cheering)

- Okay listen, never too
old for an autograph, okay?

- Oh my God, you're
embarrassing our family!

No, don't do that.
- Come on, I can't--

- Here, sign my ball too.

Well, you did it first.

- Wow, amazing.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, okay,

okay, nice, it's nice.

- You, you set me
up and you know it!

With your whore intern
and your whore mouth!

(crying)

- What?

- [Ted] Fiona.

- Ted.

Ted.

Oh, Ted.

You came back.

I have a feeling
that this was yours.

- Hey, that's my pen!

Oh, I've been looking
all over for this.

- Well somebody put it
in my desk this morning

with a note that said "play me."

- [Barry] Why don't
you just come over

and we can watch
Netflix and chill?

- [Sally] Netflix and chill?

Smooth, Barry, no.

- [Barry] You're afraid
because I'm the boss now,

I get it, let's just
not tell anyone.

- [Sally] Take your
hand off me Barry,

you've got one second.

- [Barry] Come on, let's just--

- [Sally] I am not some
slag for you to trifle with.

- [Barry] Oh.

- Oh.

Timmy,

come here honey.

It's about to get better.

Timmy, why don't
you sit right here

and share with Ted

what you shared with
me this morning.

- Do I have to?

- [Fiona] Yes
sweetie, you have to.

- Barry...

touched me.

- Gross.

Does that surprise you?

- Well, actually Ted, can I
just get a selfie with you?

My classmates would freak.

- Well that is so
cute, that is so cute.

So Ted, this little production
of Glen Garry Glen Ross

that you put on in my
office the other morning

has hit the internet
like hotcakes.

Yeah, people are praising you,

they love your
rants on technology.

(laughing)

And yeah, of course, Barry
is an immature pervert

which you know, we're screwed.

I would tell you

that you're still fired but

I don't think that there's
much of a firm left

so it really doesn't ma-,

why are you laughing?

- Fiona?

Hi.

Relax, 'cause we
got the solution.

- Why, why live?

I'm scared, I'm scared,
but a little bit excited.

Tell me something good.

(dramatic music)

- Get off the phone, you'll
want to experience this.

(grunts)

- I heard he's
throwin' some hooks.

- Alright.

(bat knocks ball)

(cheering)

- [Announcer] Chicago
Cubs baseball.

Bringing generations together.

- I don't,

how did you, what, how?

- So we're gonna take
this to the Cubs.

And tell them that we want
10 more of these commercials.

Bringing generations
together by playing the game.

Bring your kids and actually
spend quality time together.

Put down the phone,
get in the game.

- Oh.

Oh.

I don't know what to
say, you can smile now.

- You're gonna say that
Ted gets his job back.

- Of course.

- Ted.

Teddy.

We just want you to know, we
had your back the whole time.

- The whole time.

And we just want you to know
how much we have to offer.

You know as like a team.

- I will make out
with you right now.

Hard.

Like I really will do it.

I am not above sleeping
with you to keep my job.

- Jeffrey.
- Shut up.

- God.

- Wow, alright.

We're gonna need as many
hands on deck as possible.

I mean, this is Fiona Sanders PR

and they know everything
we're doing here

and everything, I mean,

yeah, I mean I don't see any
harm in keeping them around.

Why don't we send them
on their first mission?

Four coffees, boys.

Oh, and a bourbon for the lady.

- Light bourbon.

- Oh yeah, okay.

Fiona, I really, really

owe my husband

a house.
- Oh do you?

- Yeah, and I would say a

10% raise would probably go

a long way towards
making that happen.

- 10%.

Yeah.

- [Ted] I love you.

- I love you too.

I love you so much.

- Alright,

Ted.

My friend, you are never
gonna get this lucky again

so go ahead and make
love to your sweet man

right here in my boardroom.

- I'm gonna.
- That's right.

- Thank you.

- Oh yeah, this
is so going viral.

Back to it.

(orchestral music)

(orchestral music swelling)

(pop music)

(jazz music)