L'amour, c'est mieux à deux (2010) - full transcript
Michel dreams of a perfect meeting with the woman of his dreams, entirely due to chance, as his parents and grandparents experienced. Vincent, Michel's contrast, is completely different. He is more the man of the direct approach and he follows his...! The two childhood friends Michel and Vincent, with completely opposite views when it comes to women, soon discover the limits of their respective techniques when they meet Angèle and Nathalie.
THE PERFECT DATE
You can't even be on time
for my wedding!
Sorry, parking took forever.
It's cool.
So you're getting hitched?
Mazel tov!
Why? I'm not Jewish.
How do you know?
Mazel tov sounds good, it's festive.
Is my tie alright?
I'll fix it.
It looks crap?
It's fine.
- I knew it.
- Sorted.
Who's the blonde?
I've never seen her before.
She's Swedish.
I handled her divorce.
8 years studying law
just to meet divorcees.
What a scam.
Maybe, but it works.
She's got an ass
like Halley's Comet.
One every 15 years.
75!
Halley's Comet is every 75 years.
See what I mean?
Candice Rap,
do you take Michel Nathan
as your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
Michel Nathan, do you take
Candice Rap
as your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
I declare
you both man and wife.
You're Halley's Comet.
You're Halley's Comet.
Be kärful.
Be kärful, Vincent.
I don't understand.
Be kärful!
Yeah... Say some more...
Be kärful.
That turns me on.
"Be kärful".
Be kärful.
Yes...
You're officially divorced.
- What can I say?
- Nothing.
I knew it would never work.
It wasn't fate.
Not that again!
I do know!
Vincent.
I'm leaving for South America.
A humanitarian mission.
"Building Hope".
I may never return.
No comment?
Crap.
Pardon?
She signed "Crap".
"Rap". It's her name.
C is for Candice.
She's still signed "Crap".
Sure it's signed "Crap".
Her name is Candice Rap
so she signs "Crap".
Right.
If her name was Fanny Unky
it would be Funky!
Good, we've had a laugh.
Let's move on.
All your naff theories about
True Love have got you where?
You divorce after a year.
Know what your problem is?
Your family!
Sort it!
Or you'll never make it with chicks.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I feel on top of it now.
What?
A baby?
Mine? Is she sure?
She vanished back to Sweden
over a year ago,
that kid could be anyone's!
I warn you, I demand a DNA test!
What's his name?
Again? We were cut off.
Arvid?
No, we weren't cut off.
Thanks. Bye.
Arvid.
Look at that bouquet!
It's so hot.
Listen!
Please, everybody!
Grandpa's speech!
Jean-François! Cécile!
It's our 60th wedding anniversary.
Want to hear it again?
- You asked for it!
- Yes!
I was in London that summer
to learn English.
Like hell you were!
I was in Hyde Park,
wearing shorts and a singlet.
Stylish!
And a storm broke.
I was drenched.
She offered to share her umbrella.
I said: "Thank you."
She replied: "Mais de rien."
She was French! I was saved!
The first time I saw her
it was crystal clear.
We kissed under her umbrella.
And ever since that day
we thank fate
for bringing us together.
Really.
Thanks, mum-in-law.
Dad.
This is fun. Mum.
Time you started.
I'm doing my best.
Congratulations.
I knew your mother!
Frankly, Nathalie,
this case will be tricky.
Problem is, your ex
is in a precarious situation.
And I can't work like that.
Isn't a lousy marriage
a precarious situation?
We're gonna fight, don't worry.
I'm not in the way?
Come on.
When did we last make love?
I'd say between
10 to 15 minutes ago.
Your friend Michel is waiting.
Remember to pick up your son...
Shit! I'm running late.
You have a son? Since when?
5 years.
Holidays only.
His mum lives in Sweden.
What's his name?
Arvid.
I know. Sounds like an Ikea kitchen.
But I love him.
Are you free tomorrow?
Basketball.
Basketball?
I'm a top player
in the Paris courts.
That's funny, you're not very tall.
You can come.
Right.
Cool it, I'm coming!
Take a look at that!
We'll put it away.
And get the works out
again tomorrow!
I'm on the waiting list.
I'm just going to delay my flight:
there's a cancellation.
And I find myself sitting beside
a handsome dentist.
His dad. Flying to New York.
The Big Apple.
He's scared stiff
so he takes my hand.
Like he's asking me to marry him!
José! Check the Plymouth table.
Then two days later,
who do I meet
walking in Central Park?
Woody Allen.
No, darling, your dad.
Just kidding, mum.
It's lasted 35 years.
- Nicole!
- Coming!
These encounters are so moving.
It's fate.
Like with us!
Take my parents,
they didn't meet by fate:
a fiasco.
I don't give a shit.
Straighten up, you're all hunched!
Hello, Nicole.
Hello, Vincent.
- How are you?
- Good.
How's work?
Lousy,
recession is bad for divorces.
How you've grown!
Hi, Michel. Sorry I'm late.
30 minutes late is early for you.
Big case?
Awesome.
What did he say?
We all got "Dad"
but not the rest of it.
Not fluent yet?
- Hey, Swedish?
- Hey, he's your son!
It's a twisted language,
nothing like French.
Except for clitoris.
"Klittoris".
Please, Vincent!
I know what a clitoris is!
Unlike your dad.
No! Mum...
Michel!
I never think parents
are made like us.
Come on.
This won't do.
I don't want dead time.
Anticipate empty glasses!
Plan!
The Cambridge table is wilting!
- But...
- Don't answer!
Answer me.
Why don't you answer?
No! I'm explaining
that you don't answer.
What about the cake...?
You do not answer!
6 months ago I dated a singer.
Nightmare!
If I'd bonked her bum
like she fucked my head
she'd have a flat ass.
The way you talk about women!
Know what they say about us?
We have pricks for brains.
I can accept it.
To the girl I may never meet.
Stop beating yourself up.
What do you expect me to say?
Why can't I ever meet
the right girl?
Everyone else does. Why can't I?
You met your dream girl, Candice.
And dumped her.
No, it couldn't work, we were at
school together, we met every day.
The magic of a great encounter
wasn't there.
So what is this Great Encounter?
How do you know it's Her?
You don't understand, it's...
All great love stories are fated.
It's destiny.
Maybe on an ocean liner off Mexico.
A masked ball.
Right. Mexico, yeah!
A jazz band.
I see her, she sees me...
then...
A Mexican jazz band, huh?
THE classic encounter.
Go for it, Hélène!
Vincent! Come on in!
It's cool you're here!
Just had to ask.
Who's in the wheelchairs?
Disabled people. Never seen any?
No, never.
Who's the blonde fitness?
Can't help it, huh? She's Angèle.
My best friend.
Her sister Hélène
is in the wheelchair.
They're very close.
Does she have a fella?
Raving again?
Just asking.
See you tonight?
Are you with us?
Give my sister a break.
Claudine. Vincent.
Hi, Vincent.
- Angèle.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Vincent.
The basketball pro?
Yes. Well, let's say...
Go for it. Show us some stuff.
Yeah?
I don't know.
Well, I...
it's a bit embarrassing.
Hold this, baby?
He calls you "baby"?
Odd! He never has before.
Let's start with the basics.
Simple moves.
OK! Scrap international rules.
OK, I grasp this work method.
Watch out! Over here!
Are we together?
No, you're with him.
Shit!
Don't mess about. Throw it.
- Well...
- An international player!
It's easy to hurt people
with a wheelchair!
I only have arms and legs.
For you, baby.
I'm not here.
Take off!
Even the backboard isn't regulation.
I don't know when
I'll be back from Argentina.
Michel Nathan, Architect.
He's busy, can I take a message?
Yes, Pablo.
Nawi, Ayelen.
Newen and Wayra.
I must go.
Yes.
I promise,
I'll be back as soon as I can.
I'll miss you guys too.
Goodbye.
Yes, Swan?
For your Humanitarian Mission.
Thank you, that's sweet.
Aren't they cute?
I mean the t-shirts!
Why "For Famine"?
I'm for famine relief.
Like you, Michel.
You should have put
"For no more".
For no more what?
For no more famine.
You mean for supporting famine?
No.
We're at cross-purposes.
I just mean Famine - No more.
Of course! I see.
Silly me!
I'm so happy to be working with you.
But...
Swan, what's got into you?
I'm sorry.
I lost it.
I must have put out
the wrong message.
I'd better go.
Absolutely.
The other way! There.
Obelix colour mentos, A590.
Grasshopper techno parade, A240.
Popeye minus spinach, A060.
Hello. We met at the party.
Right. I'm Ariel.
Delighted to meet you.
Ariel?
Yes. Like the washing powder.
I'm Ariel and I'm gay.
Funny, penguin?
Finish stocktaking downstairs.
Move it!
How can I help you?
I'll explain.
A blind date for my best friend
with a girl.
I want a Mexican costume for her.
Something he'll notice
when he sees her.
Mexico? José, the catalogue!
The page, the page.
It's all dog-eared!
Take a look at this.
A Fajitas costume.
A beige cloak
and green tights: it's Guacamole.
Very original.
It's for a romantic meeting.
Romantic?
They never fill me in.
If they say fish I say chips!
Or there's this.
Perfect. How much is it?
- 60 euro a day.
- Brilliant.
Plus a 1000 euro deposit on the hat,
hand-made in Mexico.
1000 euros?
No fucking way!
Hand-made. In Mexico.
- Hello.
- Excuse me.
Well?
Angèle agrees. I'll go with her.
Great. But it won't work
if you're there!
I smell another costume!
Back off.
Hold it.
Girls always go out together.
It costs a bomb.
Hand-made in Mexico!
Listen, Vincent.
You begged me to help you
set up this blind date,
deal with it or you're on your own!
Let's start again.
Art deco Peter Pan...
Wait, I'll negotiate.
Schtroumpf with glasses, A060.
A table for two, please.
Michel Nathan.
I'm looking at your brochure.
You have a jazz band?
French?
What's French jazz?
Can you wait 2 minutes?
- 2 minutes.
- What for?
I'll be back. Go in.
What's wrong?
I have a problem.
What sort of problem?
I need a chemist.
Now? You're not serious!
I can't help it.
You can't do this to me.
Go on. I'll be back.
I'm not going in alone
wearing this poncho!
These naff costumes were your idea,
you're coming too.
- No, I've played this out.
- Yes.
Go in or we'll lose our table.
See you in 5 minutes.
You're a pain.
5 minutes.
Get a move on.
What are you doing?
I'm doing my best, I'm gridlocked.
Move your ass, moron!
You're blocking everyone!
Yeah, right! Fuck you too!
I'm not eating in that dump,
it's a tourist trap.
Get here or I'll kill 3 musicians.
So now you know!
Fuck this.
Hello.
Did you plan this Mexican party?
I didn't plan anything.
It doesn't seem very Mexican to me.
You're the only poncho.
I'm waiting
for a girlfriend actually.
Me too. I'm waiting for a buddy.
He's gridlocked.
- Really?
- Yes.
We drove here, no problem.
- Really?
- Yes.
I don't like that music.
Me neither!
I...
Yes.
And dividing the property...
Excuse me, just a minute.
Calm down, Michel,
I'm on my way over.
Now chill out. Michel.
Any girls there?
Should be packed with them.
I can't see any.
One pretty girl but...
dressed Mexican, she's alone.
Your chemist has no signal!
Call me, I'm waiting for you.
No. I can't talk to her,
I don't know her.
Get your ass over here. OK?
Nathalie, what's going on?
Shit! You idiot!
- What's wrong?
- My hat fell off.
We can get it back.
What are you doing?
Hey, don't...
If we're lucky the current
will carry it to the bank.
It's not my hat!
Great!
Nearly...
I've got it...
Shit! Shit!
Fuck it!
I'm sorry. Nearly got it.
I saw. You got dirty.
It's nothing.
We haven't introduced ourselves.
Michel.
Angèle.
It was very nice of you to try.
- So.
- Yes.
Well, I...
Let's part on a happier note.
Right.
May I offer you a drink,
anywhere but here.
I can't take that accordion...
Isn't your friend arriving?
Yes.
But he's been late for 15 years.
I can stand him up.
Especially for someone like you.
But my friend is coming.
And where can I go in this?
Tricky.
I'll try and get the hat again
as it may shrink.
If I succeed I'll call you.
So you have my number?
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
You're hustling for my number!
No!
Oh, I see. No, absolutely not.
No way. I'm not like that.
Really.
Don't worry, it's obvious!
I look a right idiot.
And me? What do I look like?
Yes, you...
I don't know!
I looked naff in my poncho.
We were pathetic.
Gave him your number?
Yes.
He's really nice. And funny too.
So you're a pushover.
You stood me up, remember?
And what's the problem?
I didn't stand you up, I was unwell.
And my mobile battery was flat.
You do have painful periods!
Back off!
What's his name?
Michel.
Lovely.
Is Michel a lovely name?
I think so.
She has a fella!
I'm on the mobile
and her hat lands in the river!
- What?
- Yes!
- The hat fell in the water?
- Right.
Did you get it back?
I tried to but
there was a strong current.
Shit!
So it's gone? Vanished?
Yes.
It was hideous and it wasn't hers.
Her expression...
We don't give a shit
about the hat but...
It's good that you tried
to get it back at least.
But as you say, it's gone.
All over. Case closed.
But those things cost
an arm and a leg.
You see?
You don't care about the girl.
Only the hat.
No.
- I do care.
- Don't bother.
See what I was saying?
Fate does exist!
I hope you're not mad at me?
I fucked up but...
Nathalie didn't feel well,
she needed me.
Don't you understand
what I'm saying?
If you'd been there
I'd never have talked to her!
Anyway I want you to know...
I'm really happy for you, man.
- We're naked?
- Yes. So what?
Take your arm away, please.
The other one too.
Thanks.
Hello.
Sorry I'm a bit late.
No, I'm always early.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
That's how Rudy the beaver
builds Papaye the marmot's castle
for ever and ever.
Right.
But...
What happens to Barbu the fox?
The children slice him up
with a chainsaw, drink his blood
and play baseball with his bones.
How horrible.
No, I'm kidding.
Kandor the wizard turns him
into a statue.
Obviously.
You really believed it?
I can be so dumb.
You should have seen your face!
Gobsmacked!
I suppose so.
Sorry!
Apart from the chainsaw...
it's a beautiful story.
Thank you.
How did you come to write
stories for children?
I have a little sister
who's disabled.
Sure. I'll buy it.
My wheelchair's bust.
No. It's not a joke.
I'm sorry.
It's alright.
You weren't to know.
I'm really sorry.
- It's appalling.
- No, it's fine.
I looked after her a lot
when she was little.
I told her bedtime stories
and drew her pictures.
So it's all thanks to her.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Good evening.
- Feels good, huh?
- Yes.
It makes me want to cry.
So soft, so sweet...
- If you felt what I feel...
- Careful.
I can pack a punch!
What for?
You know what I mean.
Shall we go?
Yes.
Want to play a game?
Yes. What game?
I'll explain.
We share something
that happened to us.
That we feel
really embarrassed about.
OK?
One night
I fell asleep and...
I don't know why,
I wet the bed.
Big time.
The sheets were soaked,
everything was wet.
It was awful,
my bed was like a lake.
That's it.
Yeah, right.
At the same time it's not...
it's awful but...
it's good to talk about it.
Hey, I was 13!
Right! OK!
Well, I imagined you...
Older.
- Shall we sit down?
- Sure.
- How about you?
- Me?
What embarrassed you the most?
What embarrassed me the most?
Michel!
You masturbate in grandma's
lace handkerchiefs!
They're ruined!
No! Nothing.
My mind's a blank.
I can't think why.
Never mind.
Let's move. I'm cold.
Right.
Holy shit!
You've cut yourself.
It's not deep.
- It's bleeding.
- No, I'm fine.
Don't say no. Come on.
- Alright?
- It hurts.
Of course it hurts a bit.
Take it easy.
Where are those photos?
Ecuador.
A school we built for the kids.
Did you?
Careful, this may sting a bit.
That's fine.
It will heal up in a day or two.
Will there be a check up visit?
Definitely! It's a serious wound,
we'll have to meet again.
When?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow is good.
Tomorrow is great.
Or maybe tonight?
- Yeah!
- Brilliant. Tonight.
We're on for tonight.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no.
It's not you. But it hurts.
- A lot.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's been a lovely evening.
For me too.
A fantastic evening.
- I'll call you a cab.
- Thank you.
Hello? Yes?
- The address?
- I need it.
Rue Marcadet in the 18th district.
Tremendous, I love that area.
Thank you.
Thank you.
R U ASLEEP?
I'M IRONING A SHIRT
U CAN DO EVERYTHING
I HAVE A
PROBLEM WITH SEX
WHAT?
I DON'T DO IT OFTEN
NO?
CLEANING LADY
ON HOLIDAY
WHAT'S
THE CONNECTION?
IRONING
WITH SEX?
SEX?
U SAID YOU HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH SEX
No, with socks!
Sox not sex!
SOX! I MEANT SOX!
Hello.
Is the ab & butt class with Mario?
Still haven't fucked?
It's not like that.
Shit! I'm working out!
- Did I say something?
- It's OK.
You only come to the gym
to have a shower.
If anyone asks say I'm homeless.
Pampering our body?
You here?
How did your friend's blind date go?
- Costume look good?
- I'll call you.
I want it back.
I'll call you!
Who's paying for it?
What's this about?
Nothing.
I don't know this man.
Who's paying my bill?
Did you set up
my meeting with Angèle?
No way! I don't know him.
He hired 2 Mexican costumes!
He hasn't paid me.
I'll cash in the deposit.
Don't bullshit me.
Don't try to rip me off.
Just shut up!
Oh yes?
Well?
I helped things along a bit.
You love each other, no problem!
No problem?
Why don't I smash your ape face in?
Fuck!
- How about me...
- Piss off!
Very good.
And your deposit.
You piss me off!
This was left for you.
No!
- Yes, it's for you.
- No!
Two people. Let's talk calmly.
Sit down.
A man and a woman. A river bank.
A chance meeting.
She wears a Mexican costume.
Her hat flies away.
He tries
to fish it out of the river.
- It's dodgy.
- Really?
I can't go: "Wind, take it,
take it!" It was fate.
Really?
He goes to get it.
I nearly get it!
Nearly. I go back up.
I see the girl...
It's love at first sight.
Magical.
Sure is!
- No.
- No?
No, no, no.
It was set up, it wasn't fate.
It can't be love.
That's what I said.
Obvious. It wasn't fate.
Right. OK.
We're lucky, Nathalie.
It's rare
to be so in tune physically.
Yeah.
But you and I are out of tune.
I don't get it?
I'll explain.
I'm not an ass and tits.
We only meet to fuck.
Sex cements a couple.
Masons maybe, not me.
I've lost the plot.
You see us as a couple?
Couples hang out together,
go away for weekends.
I warn you, Nathalie.
If you walk out we're through.
How dumb can you get?
I'm leaving you,
sure I'm walking out.
You haven't understood.
If you walk out that door...
we're through.
It's like I attract them.
So? I repel them.
Hey! What's the problem?
No men.
How's sex with Michel?
We haven't had any yet.
What?
Not even a quick bang in the car?
No car. He can't drive.
Weird! Hasn't he tried?
For once a guy wants to get
to know me first, it's nice.
I'll give the next guy I lasso
5 minutes to drive me wild.
A serious case.
Withdrawal symptoms.
Hélène!
Even she's got herself a guy.
You're out of line.
But she's disabled!
She can't even talk.
How are you?
Hey, this looks serious?
I'm sorry.
Doesn't she know?
- It's a surprise.
- Great.
Hello?
Now? Why?
No problem, I'm at the Cinémathèque,
I'll join you.
Cool. I'm on my way.
I must go.
It sounds important.
See you later?
See you.
That was Michel.
Seems he has a problem.
I'm off to meet him,
see you later.
OK. Bye.
How are you?
Wait. We can't...
I must talk to you.
Let's walk.
Can't you talk standing still?
Yes. But it's important, come on.
What's going on?
Is there a problem?
Yes. I have a problem.
A serious problem.
You have a girlfriend?
Worse than that.
An incurable illness?
Worse than that.
Worse than that?
Your girlfriend
has an incurable illness?
Listen...
I'll explain.
Vincent confessed.
Our meeting was set up.
I know.
The barge, the Mexican costume,
I'm not an idiot.
So what's the problem?
I'll tell you, Angèle.
We'll get married,
buy a house, be happy,
go on holiday,
have fun with friends.
Then one Christmas
we'll tell our kids: "It's a fake,
"it was set up from the start."
As all true love stories
begin by a chance meeting. See?
So we break up because
we didn't meet by chance?
I'm so sorry.
You want us to break up?
You're not serious?
You are serious?
Because we didn't meet by chance?
You're mad.
- I'm mad?
- Yes.
Excuse me.
How long have you been together?
9 years.
How did you meet?
By chance, we...
That's fine, thanks.
Leave me alone!
MICHEL, DON'T YOU THINK
WE SHOULD TALK? VINCENT
ASSHOLE!
Your appointment is here.
I'm returning the costumes.
Thanks.
Come in.
Just for 5 minutes.
Sit down.
Nice!
Well, it's not...
I'm sorry about the hat.
Sweet of you.
But it doesn't matter.
Still, 1000 euro deposit
for his fancy dress is a rip off!
Can I contribute?
No way.
Alright otherwise?
I'm good.
Not bad.
Heard from Michel?
Michel is in good shape.
We're not speaking.
Really?
In a way. He faxed me.
ASSHOLE!
Right.
You can say something
you don't mean in anger.
But he sent me a text too.
So maybe it's true.
No, but...
I don't understand
the way he reacts...
Angèle, I'm sorry,
I don't do love affairs now.
Sure, I understand.
Well, I'll be off.
And otherwise...
How's Nathalie?
Interested?
I'd like to hear about the first
woman in my life who dumped me.
It hurts, huh?
No, but...
We got on well, had a lot of laughs,
had fantastic sex.
Like I said, it hurts.
Yes.
What does she want?
I don't know.
I don't do love affairs.
See you!
Angèle!
Angèle, please. We'll be late.
Hurry up, Angèle.
Angèle, come on!
You're shedding hairs everywhere.
Come on!
We're late.
Come on!
Hello, my name is Ingmar.
Good dog, my name is Ingmar.
How's that?
Repeat after her.
Hello, my name is Ingmar.
Good dog, my mate is Ingmar.
Is that OK?
Repeat after her.
That does it.
Shut up. Shut up.
Paris to Stockholm: shut up.
I'm really sorry.
No, it was my fault, I overreacted.
Forget it. Past history.
Started working out?
Yep!
I'll leave you standing soon.
I'm working on my Swedish too.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
What can you say?
Hello, my name is Ingmar.
I've just started.
So how have you been?
Pretty good.
Shall we stop? You're a bit...
Are you kidding? I'm good.
Any news of Angèle?
Angèle?
Funny you should mention her.
No news, no.
I never think about her now.
Let's have a little break.
Just to...
It's bizarre.
I don't even want to hear about her,
or to know how she is.
It's like it never happened.
Yeah.
Angèle!
Here! Come here!
You called your dog Angèle
like your ex?
Hey! I didn't even realize it!
It was an "A" year so I had to...
How are you?
I'm in love.
No kidding, Michel.
It's serious.
- This is for real.
- No?
I swear it. You must meet her,
tell me what you think.
Come for dinner with us?
Sure. Whenever you like.
Can you lend me your apartment?
Are you crazy or something?
I've never put a foot wrong
with her. I'm like the perfect guy.
You have
the perfect guy's apartment.
She mustn't see the mirrors
on my bedroom ceiling.
You have mirrors?
Yes. And the guy wants a fortune
to take them down.
An arm and a leg.
It's expensive to stop fucking.
Feeling better?
Yes.
Shall we get going?
Yes. No. Yes...
- Come on.
- Easy does it.
- Let's go! You're right.
- Off we go.
Here he is! Come in.
- Sorry I'm on time.
- Excellent.
What a great place!
Wonderful taste. Perfect.
We haven't spilt anything.
Yes, you have.
But that's...
Hey, that's my apron!
Do you cook now?
I've even done a course.
Wow!
Seafood lasagne tonight.
You'll be knocked out.
- Sweetie pie!
- Sweetie pie?
Michel's here.
- This is Stella.
- Hello.
Michel. Sorry.
Roses.
How lovely.
Roses are so beautiful...
Sweetie pie!
Sweetie pie! What did we say?
I'll put them in a vase.
She's fragile?
It's because she's on medication.
OK.
Isn't she beautiful?
Very beautiful.
Shall we sit down?
Let's do that.
She has a perfect body too.
Unbelievable.
Noticed anything special?
Anything...?
No.
Physically.
Very beautiful, fabulous figure.
She's blonde.
Yes.
She's my first real blonde
and she's the one.
Like fate.
No, Avrid's mother is blonde.
Arvid.
- Well, she's blonde.
- Well...
We've discussed kids.
I see, yes...
Sure you're not rushing into it?
I've changed this last year.
Now I want to commit
and fight to make this girl happy.
It's burning!
It slipped out of my hands.
Why didn't you let me do it?
I wanted to be useful.
This shitty society
rejects anyone who's different.
I'm incapable!
I want to slit my wrists!
Don't be silly, darling.
Leave me! I want to die!
Stella, stop!
Put that knife down.
Come on.
You're gonna have to fight.
All is not lost.
Angèle!
Michel?
Angèle? How...
How incredible.
Meeting like this.
By chance?
Yes. I'm walking my dog and...
Meet Hélène, my sister.
Delighted to meet you.
She's deaf.
I'm delighted to meet you.
She told me all about you
when we were...
Talk normally, she lip reads.
Right.
I said I'm delighted to meet you,
she told me about you
ages ago when...
If he's free I'm interested!
Do you have a girlfriend?
I don't understand.
She said...
"Hello, lovely to meet you."
OK.
So does this mean...
Are you with a guy?
"to meet"?
Yes, that's it!
Neat.
If that's your dog
maybe you should call him.
What is this dog?
Doggy!
Doggy!
Come on, doggy!
No name?
- What?
- No name?
Yes! No.
It changes,
I change his name regularly.
You change his name?
It's very good for canine memory.
What's his name today?
Ang...
Anchovy.
Like an anchovy?
Exactly the same.
I'll go and get him.
Anchovy! Anchovy!
What are you up to?
Come here!
It's dangerous! Accidents happen...
- I agree.
- Children get bitten.
Look at that!
What's going on?
You still love him.
You're talking rubbish.
Keep out of this.
Yes, Sylvain?
I'm still in the same place.
Yes, with my sister.
I'm not being aggressive!
Not a bit.
Alright.
Kiss-kiss. Yes, me too.
See you.
Take care of your dog instead of...
I will!
I'll bring you back a waffle!
Anchovy! Come here!
Here, Anchovy! Come on!
He's eaten the waffle.
The child's scared.
We're out of here!
I didn't call back
as I'm with my sister.
I'm not annoyed,
I just don't like feeling spied on.
OK, right.
It's incredible how well
you handle that wheelchair.
Awesome!
Paris is amazing.
I dump my wheelchair on the metro.
I have to crawl.
This city is so well adapted!
I'm sorry,
I don't understand sign language.
So learn it.
I'm sorry, we have to go.
I enjoyed this time together.
I'm very glad I met Hélène.
Me too.
Maybe one day we could...
meet for a drink...
Michel, I must tell you:
I live with someone.
Great! Wow!
We have to go.
Wow! Great!
Goodbye.
Angèle!
Yes?
Goodbye!
Goodbye.
Hello, Michel.
Hello, Swan.
What did he say?
Unbelievable!
I'll call you back.
Sorry.
Swan.
What a pretty name.
I haven't changed it.
Don't change it,
it has a lovely ring to it.
Swan Swan Swan.
Thank you. I'm very touched.
Do many people change names?
Well...
Dogs do.
Dogs do occasionally.
Dogs change their names
from time to time.
That's true.
Right on!
Swan Swan Swan!
He took it badly.
Why do you say that?
When a guy says: "Wow! Great!"
he means the opposite.
Think so?
Well?
Not bad.
I rather like it.
Princess Leia from Star Wars.
And with my hair loose?
No, but...
Shave your armpits!
Not until a guy
falls in love with me.
It'll teach them!
- Like some tea?
- Please.
Thank you.
You have good taste.
Like this dress?
Wow! Great!
What did I say?
I'll take it back.
No, don't be silly.
I was over the moon
to see him again.
Do you mind the drill?
I want to finish your shelf.
Not at all.
Thanks for the tea, sweet of you.
My pleasure. Kiss-kiss!
Yes, kiss.
I love you. Kiss-kiss.
Me too.
Kiss-kiss?
Yes. Kiss-kiss.
We had a fantastic afternoon.
He was lovely to Hélène.
You'll meet again?
I don't know.
Your hair is gorgeous!
I haven't changed it.
So you like this colour?
Yes, it's stunning.
Really.
He left me because
we hadn't met "by chance"!
But you just have!
One in a million chance
and you hit the jackpot.
I love it!
He left you before
you slept together...
I must do my bikini line,
the hay's overflowing the cart.
Girl talk!
We're cool now.
You were saying?
A proof of love.
They usually leave after.
One guy left me during!
Remember girls,
he's sweet, adorable...
reliable...
Here we go.
One super spice shelf.
And DIY too.
It's lovely.
Stella is beautiful,
a real blonde. But...
She hid medication
all over the apartment.
So I freaked out.
It was a warning signal.
Isn't a suicide attempt over a bowl
of pasta a warning signal?
I didn't get it.
But when I was with her...
I kept thinking about Nathalie.
Did you?
I wanted to see her.
But not disappoint her.
What do you do
when you love someone?
I don't know. Give her flowers.
Say you've changed,
that you were a lout.
Flowers are a good idea.
Must I say I was a lout?
No, not exactly.
Not exactly a lout.
You can say...
a piece of shit, a jerk,
a scumbag, a rat...
That'll do, I have the list.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Another vodka shandy?
You bet.
You're in bad shape.
I know you.
What's the problem?
No problem!
I'm treating myself.
I'll pull chicks.
You?
It takes years of training!
There's a technique.
You can teach me!
OK! But it takes two.
Anyone in mind?
Anyone at all! I'm a sniper.
Always ready to draw.
Listen...
I'm counting on you.
Tomorrow.
For some ass!
So teach me how, give me lessons.
I'm gonna fuck fuck fuck!
Thanks, man.
It's your bill.
Nathalie?
Why are you here?
I came to say hello.
Hello?
Oh, right.
4 a.m. is already tomorrow.
Good morning.
Nathalie, wait!
How did you know I work here?
I investigated a bit.
Long hours. Not too tough?
I have no option
with the alimony you got me.
What do you want?
I wanted to tell you...
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I've changed.
And I was a lout.
Who are the flowers for?
Sorry!
They're for you. Of course.
They smell lovely.
I'm very touched.
Are you?
They're just flowers.
That's something.
Can I drop you off?
There's a taxi rank nearby.
I'll walk there with you.
If you like.
- Kiss-kiss every 5 minutes!
- Stop it!
It's very sweet.
- It's soppy.
- Words of wisdom.
I do have a spice cupboard!
Not bad.
Hello.
Do you have fixative
for dry pastels:
a pipette, not a spray?
Thank you.
I can't do that to Sylvain,
he's fragile.
He might top himself.
Rot! He's like all guys,
always ready to fuck around.
Not Sylvain.
If we prove the contrary?
Why should I leave Sylvain
for a guy who vanished a year ago?
That's why.
He's in love with you.
Why do you say that?
I saw Vincent yesterday.
You've seen Vincent?
He turned up at my work
with flowers.
Flowers? Is this the same Vincent?
Get a load of that!
Back off!
I'm sorry but he's changed.
He just needs someone
to awaken his sensitive side.
It's simple. I'll explain.
A prick!
Within every woman is a treasure.
A treasure of sensuality,
of erotic pleasure.
And your prick...
is the key.
Think like a prick,
gaze like a prick.
Show me a "prick gaze".
What is a "prick gaze"?
Let's start again.
A gaze saying: "I want you."
You must express...
That's good.
You must express your prick...
through your gaze.
That's a nice find.
The prick gaze is a bit complicated
for me to grasp,
it's rather abstract.
Excuse me, Madam.
I watched you in court,
I want to say: "Bravo."
It was a lesson in law,
in eloquence...
And in charm.
Thank you. Are you a lawyer?
Another time.
I was just showing my friend.
See? Easy peasy!
Amazing!
Your prick. The key.
It's vital you let her talk.
Tell you her life story.
She'll talk herself out.
How do you know?
It always happens.
Now you move in.
Her guard is raised:
don't give her time
to bring it down again.
Or you'll be out.
No! Shit!
Wait! I'll handle this.
Hello, Miss.
Is this your car?
Certainly is.
I've been watching you
issuing parking tickets,
and I want to say: "Bravo!"
I'm impressed.
A lesson in beauty and grace.
Magnificent!
Thank you, how nice.
But I'm booking you.
- Why didn't it work?
- Forget it.
Screw her rubbish parking ticket!
No big deal.
Yes, it is! If you'd done it
she'd have melted.
I'm in deep shit.
Thanks, lady!
Be brave. This may be tough
but it's for you.
What if it goes wrong? What then?
OK, Claudine? Ready?
Ready? Take a look at me.
I've shaved, lost 3 kilos
and my spots.
I've never felt so ready.
Hi, handsome.
Hear that?
If I had a screwdriver I'd tighten
the hinges, the door hangs badly.
You smell yummy.
This is a lousy plan.
Too late now. Relax.
Relax. That's good.
Open it if you like.
Come in.
What's that?
A dog.
I know, I'm not stupid.
But what race?
Sorry.
An Australian Shepherd.
Do they do that?
Yes. Lie down.
I'm not tired.
- I meant the dog.
- I know.
Sometimes it's like
we're at cross-purposes.
Sometimes!
I brought some wine.
How sweet. You shouldn't have,
not Bordeaux...
Your place is gorgeous.
So are you.
You have fantastic legs.
Thank you.
And I have two!
When I see all those people on TV
with artificial limbs.
Swan, let's enjoy our evening.
No more talk about wars,
Aids or world famine. OK?
This is me and you time.
Me!
Like some champagne?
And you!
Make yourself at home.
Hunky-dory.
Where's Angèle? She's never late.
It's so hot in here.
I'm boiling.
Air-conditioning?
Just say when!
Whenever you like: anything!
I'm sorry.
I lack confidence.
I do. And my tits are too small.
Aren't they?
No, they're superb.
They're normal, just fine.
I'm not bragging
but I have a great ass.
Don't you think?
You have a very pretty bottom.
I love the way you say "bottom".
Say it again.
How? Bottom.
Bottom.
- I've been thinking...
- Bottom.
About all those girls
who'll look at your bottom
and go: "How nice and firm.
"But it's taboo.
It's someone else's."
They'll never touch you
with their tits.
Or run their lips over your body,
up and down, down and up.
And dig their nails in your back
during an orgasm few men can give.
Too bad for them.
You'll say: "No thanks,
"I'm with my soul mate."
It is hot in here.
Yes, Angèle?
Hello, Sylvain?
We were getting worried!
Speak up, I can't hear you.
Never mind. Work is work.
Right.
Yes. Kiss-kiss.
Angèle can't make it.
What a pity.
I wanted a fun evening.
How about one last drink?
You're on! One for the road.
Thank you.
Your illness!
What?
We always say: "Your health!"
"Your illness" makes a change.
It certainly does.
A big change.
There!
"Your illness!"
Recognize that?
Who? No!
It's the rattlesnake.
Yes, of course.
Know many girls who can do it?
No?
No, no one.
I have no past references.
You make me laugh!
I feel really good.
What's the time?
I don't know. Ten to.
I have to get up for work tomorrow.
I'd better go.
It's been a lot of fun.
Just fantastic!
Wait!
I must tell you something important:
I'm pissed,
too bad if you think I'm nuts.
It may sound crazy but...
I want you so bad,
and you feel the same.
Listen, I...
Go! Or we'll do something silly.
And we'll regret it.
See!
He's crazy about me.
I must tell you.
I've never felt this way before.
The first snake I saw
was a viper in my parents' caravan.
Dad tried to kill it with a broom.
It's vital you let her talk...
Tell you her life story.
She'll talk herself out.
Now you move in.
Her guard is raised:
don't give her time
to bring it down again.
A drop more wine?
You want to do my head it.
Fair's fair.
- Pardon?
- Nothing.
You know...
I watch you in the office.
Answering the phone, hanging up,
taking calls...
I want to say: "Bravo!"
You do it brilliantly.
Thank you.
Shit! What are you doing
with your tongue?
Sorry!
I'll get a dissolvent.
Red wine doesn't stain.
The prick gaze ain't for me.
Found it?
You've taken it off?
How are you doing? Cool?
Shut up!
No, Angèle...
You'd fuck any bitch.
- Thanks a lot!
- Wait!
Let me explain. Don't go!
Angèle...
You funky brute.
You could have waited 5 minutes.
It takes time to work.
Right.
Do you like...
Some coffee?
Good idea!
It's chewing gum.
- Shit!
- Don't touch it.
Just rub it with an ice cube.
- Really?
- Here.
What are you doing?
It's getting hard.
But...
It's hard now.
Who's that?
I don't know, I don't live here.
I know...
Don't move, we must do it now.
It's starting.
Good.
It's so hard.
It's getting harder.
That's perfect!
You see?
- It's harder.
- Classy!
Angèle!
Very classy.
Who's that?
Angèle!
I know her! Wait!
It's not what you think!
Wait, Angèle!
Angèle! Wait!
Please let me explain!
Listen.
I had chewing gum stuck to my pants!
Is that your fantasy?
If I'd known
I'd have bitten it off!
So you do have sex after all.
I don't want to do it with you.
No, with me you want to go walking
in the park and bird watch!
I'm a woman too.
I want to be loved.
To be made love to and come!
Me too, I'd love that.
It's all because of you.
I was jealous.
You're with someone...
We bust up.
You never said.
Let me finish!
Shit! You dumped me!
But we met again by chance.
Drop this chance stuff!
Did you meet that naked bimbo
by chance?
She wasn't naked!
She just took off her top
as she'd spilt wine on it.
I went to get the stain remover.
And...
Why am I telling you?
She means nothing to me!
She's a halfwit.
She leaves me cold...
Goodnight, Michel.
Goodnight.
Thanks a lot.
Sorry, wait a minute...
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it...
Angèle...
A bimbo with 10,000 euro tits!
He can't be in love
with a girl that stupid!
You talked to him?
I didn't have to.
She's obviously a moron.
That's reassuring.
No, it isn't!
But the bitch has a great body.
Wait! This is fantastic!
He wants to make you jealous.
You got him!
Spare me your advice.
But Angèle, she's right!
Don't call him.
Don't call him!
He's so mean.
Feeling better?
It's been a year now.
You're legally in the wrong.
I can press charges.
Go ahead! Take me to court.
I'll go to prison for a hat.
No client has ever done this.
Not in 8 years!
I must go. I'm with kids...
Screw them!
Hello?
He hung up on me!
Hang up then.
It's you.
A dog opened the door.
Don't say a word.
A wild night of sex!
Here's a bun for the champion.
Well?
What couldn't you say on the phone?
A hellish night.
Don't say that.
What happened?
Angèle showed up unexpectedly.
- They saw each other?
- Yes.
That's great!
You've got her hooked!
Don't call her!
If you say so.
I must ask you a couple of things.
It's not...
Where did the hat land?
What?
Is there any way to get it back?
Are you asking me about a hat?
I'll wing it.
And a friend wants to go away
on a romantic weekend.
Where should I suggest?
I don't give a shit.
Why ask me?
He's going through a tricky patch.
Let's find him a nice place.
There are 50,000 places
to take a girl.
Just name one.
The seaside! They love the sea.
It's romantic.
The seaside is sound!
Seagulls.
Seagulls are beautiful.
They fly.
I don't know how to do this.
Give me time.
You're doing fine, sweetheart.
I don't know how to say this...
I'm feeling horny.
Good.
That's life.
I feel real hot too.
- I want you so bad.
- But...
What's that red thing?
What red thing?
A hat, isn't it?
Not just a hat...
It's Angèle's sombrero!
That's fate for you!
But she lost it in Paris.
Yes!
It fell in the Seine a year ago.
The Seine flows into Normandy,
through the Havre
or the Caen Estuary...
It went all that way
to end up here with us.
Isn't that amazing?
It's a sign!
But it's a sign!
I love you.
I've made 1000 euros!
The Calon Ségur to your liking?
Perfect, thanks.
Thank you.
It's beautiful!
Funny, isn't it?
I never imagined us
having lunch together,
just the two of us, by the sea.
It's so romantic.
What's wrong?
My hand's in the butter.
Why didn't you say so?
I didn't want to spoil this magic,
the sea, the gulls.
I was in it all the way.
I was totally wrong about him.
I thought he was fragile and tender.
But he's a monster.
He hits the spot and I go sky high.
Pathetic!
I don't give a shit about that guy.
We're fine just the two of us.
Don't use me as your alibi.
I'm with a guy, I'm happy.
What?
What are you talking about?
I sacrificed my life for you!
I never asked you to.
Don't project your anxiety onto me.
I'm trying to live a normal life,
to be independent.
Live your life!
Confide in him, call him.
No. Never!
Call him!
He can leave me hundreds
of messages, I'll never call him!
My phone!
Shit!
She's mad.
Hello?
Sylvain!
Why are you calling me?
I said it's all over.
What?
Claudine's number?
Not too good.
Yes, I think...
I'll buy a ticket
for South America and...
Adios.
Talking of adios...
You know I'm here for you,
I'm your friend.
I'll always be here for you,
that's friendship.
How can I put it?
Your grandfather is dead.
Your mother just left my office.
I'm sorry.
My mother?
But...
Why didn't you call me right away?
I didn't dare give you
two pieces of bad news.
Two? What's the second?
We're divorcing.
That's impossible!
35 years of marriage!
You never fought!
He was never there.
Always in his surgery
or away on conferences.
Now he's retired
he's always at home. Unbearable!
Come on!
You can't destroy a great
love story. A magical encounter.
Michel,
we sweetened things up a bit.
In '69 your father vomited
in the plane.
My first gift was a scaling.
To hell with the encounter,
the years after are what matter.
I don't agree.
Look at grandpa and grandma.
A lifetime together.
You don't know anything.
Now he's dead I can tell you:
he slept with that woman for years.
- What woman?
- Jeanine.
Next to grandma.
No, it can't be true.
Let's have a walk.
Yes, because...
You alright?
Yeah. Actually...
I'm good...
Sorry. It does help.
It's normal.
Have a nice weekend at the sea?
How do you know?
I'm not an idiot.
It was great, thanks.
You see, you were right.
My parents are divorcing.
My grandpa slept with Jeanine.
I messed up with my dream girl.
What did you say?
Grandpa screwed Jeanine.
Screw grandpa!
You said "my dream girl".
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did!
No, I didn't...
Why are you still here?
Go and tell her!
With your naff principles,
you can't blow this!
Advice from a prick for a brain?
I took your advice
and I'm over the moon.
To hell with it!
Shit!
Keep the change. Thanks.
Angèle!
Open the door, I must talk to you!
Great.
Hello, I must find Angèle.
He can't hear...
Are you with a guy?
What are you after?
You can talk?
Sure I can talk.
I can hit you too!
So can I! Get up!
What's this about?
Chill out.
He's my sister's ex.
Him?
I didn't know.
Where's Angèle?
I must talk to her.
She's catching a train
at the Gare du Nord.
Paris-Brussels Thalys at 18.30.
- Paris-Brussels.
- Hurry!
Thanks.
You're the best sister-in-law ever!
Scared, huh? I love you too.
Just kidding.
I better go, darling.
I don't want to be late.
When shall we meet?
Wait...
Hello, Vincent? It's Michel.
Listen, you must save me...
What's going on?
Hang on two seconds.
Angèle is catching
a train at the Gare du Nord now.
Go and meet Michel there,
I'll pick up Arvid.
OK. I'm on my way.
The Thalys for Brussels?
- Platform 8.
- Thanks.
Hello.
Can I borrow your mic?
For a personal message.
Sorry, it's impossible.
It's not allowed.
Couldn't you make
an exception to the rule?
No special dispensation.
I can't.
For a new outfit?
We're not terrorists.
He must talk to his girl.
Don't be scared.
Only two seconds. We're sorry.
Good afternoon.
Welcome to the Thalys.
- Can I have a Kit Kat?
- No!
- Don't touch my tits.
- I'm not.
Vincent!
It's not on purpose.
- Is she French?
- Yes.
Don't translate 3 languages.
Cut to the chase!
You're right.
Angèle, nothing happened with Swan.
I've always known
you're the girl for me.
I want us to walk in the park
together and bird watch.
I want to make love to you.
At the same time maybe...
What embarrasses me most:
I called my dog Angèle!
So I could say your name every day.
Angèle, I love you.
Thank you.
Why are they here?
No idea, I don't understand.
- Hi, dad! How are you?
- Arvid!
You speak French?
That tops it!
I'd like an explanation.
And I'd like
my Swedish lessons refunded.
Please explain what's going on
as I've lost the plot.
We'll explain later.
If you say so!
Not on the train?
No, I missed it.
Are you here... by chance?
No.
I'm not here by chance.
I'm here for you.
How's Angèle?
I couldn't bring her.
But... you were on it!
Yes, I was.
No!
And Anchovy? That's so nutty!
THE PERFECT DATE
You can't even be on time
for my wedding!
Sorry, parking took forever.
It's cool.
So you're getting hitched?
Mazel tov!
Why? I'm not Jewish.
How do you know?
Mazel tov sounds good, it's festive.
Is my tie alright?
I'll fix it.
It looks crap?
It's fine.
- I knew it.
- Sorted.
Who's the blonde?
I've never seen her before.
She's Swedish.
I handled her divorce.
8 years studying law
just to meet divorcees.
What a scam.
Maybe, but it works.
She's got an ass
like Halley's Comet.
One every 15 years.
75!
Halley's Comet is every 75 years.
See what I mean?
Candice Rap,
do you take Michel Nathan
as your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
Michel Nathan, do you take
Candice Rap
as your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
I declare
you both man and wife.
You're Halley's Comet.
You're Halley's Comet.
Be kärful.
Be kärful, Vincent.
I don't understand.
Be kärful!
Yeah... Say some more...
Be kärful.
That turns me on.
"Be kärful".
Be kärful.
Yes...
You're officially divorced.
- What can I say?
- Nothing.
I knew it would never work.
It wasn't fate.
Not that again!
I do know!
Vincent.
I'm leaving for South America.
A humanitarian mission.
"Building Hope".
I may never return.
No comment?
Crap.
Pardon?
She signed "Crap".
"Rap". It's her name.
C is for Candice.
She's still signed "Crap".
Sure it's signed "Crap".
Her name is Candice Rap
so she signs "Crap".
Right.
If her name was Fanny Unky
it would be Funky!
Good, we've had a laugh.
Let's move on.
All your naff theories about
True Love have got you where?
You divorce after a year.
Know what your problem is?
Your family!
Sort it!
Or you'll never make it with chicks.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I feel on top of it now.
What?
A baby?
Mine? Is she sure?
She vanished back to Sweden
over a year ago,
that kid could be anyone's!
I warn you, I demand a DNA test!
What's his name?
Again? We were cut off.
Arvid?
No, we weren't cut off.
Thanks. Bye.
Arvid.
Look at that bouquet!
It's so hot.
Listen!
Please, everybody!
Grandpa's speech!
Jean-François! Cécile!
It's our 60th wedding anniversary.
Want to hear it again?
- You asked for it!
- Yes!
I was in London that summer
to learn English.
Like hell you were!
I was in Hyde Park,
wearing shorts and a singlet.
Stylish!
And a storm broke.
I was drenched.
She offered to share her umbrella.
I said: "Thank you."
She replied: "Mais de rien."
She was French! I was saved!
The first time I saw her
it was crystal clear.
We kissed under her umbrella.
And ever since that day
we thank fate
for bringing us together.
Really.
Thanks, mum-in-law.
Dad.
This is fun. Mum.
Time you started.
I'm doing my best.
Congratulations.
I knew your mother!
Frankly, Nathalie,
this case will be tricky.
Problem is, your ex
is in a precarious situation.
And I can't work like that.
Isn't a lousy marriage
a precarious situation?
We're gonna fight, don't worry.
I'm not in the way?
Come on.
When did we last make love?
I'd say between
10 to 15 minutes ago.
Your friend Michel is waiting.
Remember to pick up your son...
Shit! I'm running late.
You have a son? Since when?
5 years.
Holidays only.
His mum lives in Sweden.
What's his name?
Arvid.
I know. Sounds like an Ikea kitchen.
But I love him.
Are you free tomorrow?
Basketball.
Basketball?
I'm a top player
in the Paris courts.
That's funny, you're not very tall.
You can come.
Right.
Cool it, I'm coming!
Take a look at that!
We'll put it away.
And get the works out
again tomorrow!
I'm on the waiting list.
I'm just going to delay my flight:
there's a cancellation.
And I find myself sitting beside
a handsome dentist.
His dad. Flying to New York.
The Big Apple.
He's scared stiff
so he takes my hand.
Like he's asking me to marry him!
José! Check the Plymouth table.
Then two days later,
who do I meet
walking in Central Park?
Woody Allen.
No, darling, your dad.
Just kidding, mum.
It's lasted 35 years.
- Nicole!
- Coming!
These encounters are so moving.
It's fate.
Like with us!
Take my parents,
they didn't meet by fate:
a fiasco.
I don't give a shit.
Straighten up, you're all hunched!
Hello, Nicole.
Hello, Vincent.
- How are you?
- Good.
How's work?
Lousy,
recession is bad for divorces.
How you've grown!
Hi, Michel. Sorry I'm late.
30 minutes late is early for you.
Big case?
Awesome.
What did he say?
We all got "Dad"
but not the rest of it.
Not fluent yet?
- Hey, Swedish?
- Hey, he's your son!
It's a twisted language,
nothing like French.
Except for clitoris.
"Klittoris".
Please, Vincent!
I know what a clitoris is!
Unlike your dad.
No! Mum...
Michel!
I never think parents
are made like us.
Come on.
This won't do.
I don't want dead time.
Anticipate empty glasses!
Plan!
The Cambridge table is wilting!
- But...
- Don't answer!
Answer me.
Why don't you answer?
No! I'm explaining
that you don't answer.
What about the cake...?
You do not answer!
6 months ago I dated a singer.
Nightmare!
If I'd bonked her bum
like she fucked my head
she'd have a flat ass.
The way you talk about women!
Know what they say about us?
We have pricks for brains.
I can accept it.
To the girl I may never meet.
Stop beating yourself up.
What do you expect me to say?
Why can't I ever meet
the right girl?
Everyone else does. Why can't I?
You met your dream girl, Candice.
And dumped her.
No, it couldn't work, we were at
school together, we met every day.
The magic of a great encounter
wasn't there.
So what is this Great Encounter?
How do you know it's Her?
You don't understand, it's...
All great love stories are fated.
It's destiny.
Maybe on an ocean liner off Mexico.
A masked ball.
Right. Mexico, yeah!
A jazz band.
I see her, she sees me...
then...
A Mexican jazz band, huh?
THE classic encounter.
Go for it, Hélène!
Vincent! Come on in!
It's cool you're here!
Just had to ask.
Who's in the wheelchairs?
Disabled people. Never seen any?
No, never.
Who's the blonde fitness?
Can't help it, huh? She's Angèle.
My best friend.
Her sister Hélène
is in the wheelchair.
They're very close.
Does she have a fella?
Raving again?
Just asking.
See you tonight?
Are you with us?
Give my sister a break.
Claudine. Vincent.
Hi, Vincent.
- Angèle.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Vincent.
The basketball pro?
Yes. Well, let's say...
Go for it. Show us some stuff.
Yeah?
I don't know.
Well, I...
it's a bit embarrassing.
Hold this, baby?
He calls you "baby"?
Odd! He never has before.
Let's start with the basics.
Simple moves.
OK! Scrap international rules.
OK, I grasp this work method.
Watch out! Over here!
Are we together?
No, you're with him.
Shit!
Don't mess about. Throw it.
- Well...
- An international player!
It's easy to hurt people
with a wheelchair!
I only have arms and legs.
For you, baby.
I'm not here.
Take off!
Even the backboard isn't regulation.
I don't know when
I'll be back from Argentina.
Michel Nathan, Architect.
He's busy, can I take a message?
Yes, Pablo.
Nawi, Ayelen.
Newen and Wayra.
I must go.
Yes.
I promise,
I'll be back as soon as I can.
I'll miss you guys too.
Goodbye.
Yes, Swan?
For your Humanitarian Mission.
Thank you, that's sweet.
Aren't they cute?
I mean the t-shirts!
Why "For Famine"?
I'm for famine relief.
Like you, Michel.
You should have put
"For no more".
For no more what?
For no more famine.
You mean for supporting famine?
No.
We're at cross-purposes.
I just mean Famine - No more.
Of course! I see.
Silly me!
I'm so happy to be working with you.
But...
Swan, what's got into you?
I'm sorry.
I lost it.
I must have put out
the wrong message.
I'd better go.
Absolutely.
The other way! There.
Obelix colour mentos, A590.
Grasshopper techno parade, A240.
Popeye minus spinach, A060.
Hello. We met at the party.
Right. I'm Ariel.
Delighted to meet you.
Ariel?
Yes. Like the washing powder.
I'm Ariel and I'm gay.
Funny, penguin?
Finish stocktaking downstairs.
Move it!
How can I help you?
I'll explain.
A blind date for my best friend
with a girl.
I want a Mexican costume for her.
Something he'll notice
when he sees her.
Mexico? José, the catalogue!
The page, the page.
It's all dog-eared!
Take a look at this.
A Fajitas costume.
A beige cloak
and green tights: it's Guacamole.
Very original.
It's for a romantic meeting.
Romantic?
They never fill me in.
If they say fish I say chips!
Or there's this.
Perfect. How much is it?
- 60 euro a day.
- Brilliant.
Plus a 1000 euro deposit on the hat,
hand-made in Mexico.
1000 euros?
No fucking way!
Hand-made. In Mexico.
- Hello.
- Excuse me.
Well?
Angèle agrees. I'll go with her.
Great. But it won't work
if you're there!
I smell another costume!
Back off.
Hold it.
Girls always go out together.
It costs a bomb.
Hand-made in Mexico!
Listen, Vincent.
You begged me to help you
set up this blind date,
deal with it or you're on your own!
Let's start again.
Art deco Peter Pan...
Wait, I'll negotiate.
Schtroumpf with glasses, A060.
A table for two, please.
Michel Nathan.
I'm looking at your brochure.
You have a jazz band?
French?
What's French jazz?
Can you wait 2 minutes?
- 2 minutes.
- What for?
I'll be back. Go in.
What's wrong?
I have a problem.
What sort of problem?
I need a chemist.
Now? You're not serious!
I can't help it.
You can't do this to me.
Go on. I'll be back.
I'm not going in alone
wearing this poncho!
These naff costumes were your idea,
you're coming too.
- No, I've played this out.
- Yes.
Go in or we'll lose our table.
See you in 5 minutes.
You're a pain.
5 minutes.
Get a move on.
What are you doing?
I'm doing my best, I'm gridlocked.
Move your ass, moron!
You're blocking everyone!
Yeah, right! Fuck you too!
I'm not eating in that dump,
it's a tourist trap.
Get here or I'll kill 3 musicians.
So now you know!
Fuck this.
Hello.
Did you plan this Mexican party?
I didn't plan anything.
It doesn't seem very Mexican to me.
You're the only poncho.
I'm waiting
for a girlfriend actually.
Me too. I'm waiting for a buddy.
He's gridlocked.
- Really?
- Yes.
We drove here, no problem.
- Really?
- Yes.
I don't like that music.
Me neither!
I...
Yes.
And dividing the property...
Excuse me, just a minute.
Calm down, Michel,
I'm on my way over.
Now chill out. Michel.
Any girls there?
Should be packed with them.
I can't see any.
One pretty girl but...
dressed Mexican, she's alone.
Your chemist has no signal!
Call me, I'm waiting for you.
No. I can't talk to her,
I don't know her.
Get your ass over here. OK?
Nathalie, what's going on?
Shit! You idiot!
- What's wrong?
- My hat fell off.
We can get it back.
What are you doing?
Hey, don't...
If we're lucky the current
will carry it to the bank.
It's not my hat!
Great!
Nearly...
I've got it...
Shit! Shit!
Fuck it!
I'm sorry. Nearly got it.
I saw. You got dirty.
It's nothing.
We haven't introduced ourselves.
Michel.
Angèle.
It was very nice of you to try.
- So.
- Yes.
Well, I...
Let's part on a happier note.
Right.
May I offer you a drink,
anywhere but here.
I can't take that accordion...
Isn't your friend arriving?
Yes.
But he's been late for 15 years.
I can stand him up.
Especially for someone like you.
But my friend is coming.
And where can I go in this?
Tricky.
I'll try and get the hat again
as it may shrink.
If I succeed I'll call you.
So you have my number?
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
You're hustling for my number!
No!
Oh, I see. No, absolutely not.
No way. I'm not like that.
Really.
Don't worry, it's obvious!
I look a right idiot.
And me? What do I look like?
Yes, you...
I don't know!
I looked naff in my poncho.
We were pathetic.
Gave him your number?
Yes.
He's really nice. And funny too.
So you're a pushover.
You stood me up, remember?
And what's the problem?
I didn't stand you up, I was unwell.
And my mobile battery was flat.
You do have painful periods!
Back off!
What's his name?
Michel.
Lovely.
Is Michel a lovely name?
I think so.
She has a fella!
I'm on the mobile
and her hat lands in the river!
- What?
- Yes!
- The hat fell in the water?
- Right.
Did you get it back?
I tried to but
there was a strong current.
Shit!
So it's gone? Vanished?
Yes.
It was hideous and it wasn't hers.
Her expression...
We don't give a shit
about the hat but...
It's good that you tried
to get it back at least.
But as you say, it's gone.
All over. Case closed.
But those things cost
an arm and a leg.
You see?
You don't care about the girl.
Only the hat.
No.
- I do care.
- Don't bother.
See what I was saying?
Fate does exist!
I hope you're not mad at me?
I fucked up but...
Nathalie didn't feel well,
she needed me.
Don't you understand
what I'm saying?
If you'd been there
I'd never have talked to her!
Anyway I want you to know...
I'm really happy for you, man.
- We're naked?
- Yes. So what?
Take your arm away, please.
The other one too.
Thanks.
Hello.
Sorry I'm a bit late.
No, I'm always early.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
That's how Rudy the beaver
builds Papaye the marmot's castle
for ever and ever.
Right.
But...
What happens to Barbu the fox?
The children slice him up
with a chainsaw, drink his blood
and play baseball with his bones.
How horrible.
No, I'm kidding.
Kandor the wizard turns him
into a statue.
Obviously.
You really believed it?
I can be so dumb.
You should have seen your face!
Gobsmacked!
I suppose so.
Sorry!
Apart from the chainsaw...
it's a beautiful story.
Thank you.
How did you come to write
stories for children?
I have a little sister
who's disabled.
Sure. I'll buy it.
My wheelchair's bust.
No. It's not a joke.
I'm sorry.
It's alright.
You weren't to know.
I'm really sorry.
- It's appalling.
- No, it's fine.
I looked after her a lot
when she was little.
I told her bedtime stories
and drew her pictures.
So it's all thanks to her.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Good evening.
- Feels good, huh?
- Yes.
It makes me want to cry.
So soft, so sweet...
- If you felt what I feel...
- Careful.
I can pack a punch!
What for?
You know what I mean.
Shall we go?
Yes.
Want to play a game?
Yes. What game?
I'll explain.
We share something
that happened to us.
That we feel
really embarrassed about.
OK?
One night
I fell asleep and...
I don't know why,
I wet the bed.
Big time.
The sheets were soaked,
everything was wet.
It was awful,
my bed was like a lake.
That's it.
Yeah, right.
At the same time it's not...
it's awful but...
it's good to talk about it.
Hey, I was 13!
Right! OK!
Well, I imagined you...
Older.
- Shall we sit down?
- Sure.
- How about you?
- Me?
What embarrassed you the most?
What embarrassed me the most?
Michel!
You masturbate in grandma's
lace handkerchiefs!
They're ruined!
No! Nothing.
My mind's a blank.
I can't think why.
Never mind.
Let's move. I'm cold.
Right.
Holy shit!
You've cut yourself.
It's not deep.
- It's bleeding.
- No, I'm fine.
Don't say no. Come on.
- Alright?
- It hurts.
Of course it hurts a bit.
Take it easy.
Where are those photos?
Ecuador.
A school we built for the kids.
Did you?
Careful, this may sting a bit.
That's fine.
It will heal up in a day or two.
Will there be a check up visit?
Definitely! It's a serious wound,
we'll have to meet again.
When?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow is good.
Tomorrow is great.
Or maybe tonight?
- Yeah!
- Brilliant. Tonight.
We're on for tonight.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no.
It's not you. But it hurts.
- A lot.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's been a lovely evening.
For me too.
A fantastic evening.
- I'll call you a cab.
- Thank you.
Hello? Yes?
- The address?
- I need it.
Rue Marcadet in the 18th district.
Tremendous, I love that area.
Thank you.
Thank you.
R U ASLEEP?
I'M IRONING A SHIRT
U CAN DO EVERYTHING
I HAVE A
PROBLEM WITH SEX
WHAT?
I DON'T DO IT OFTEN
NO?
CLEANING LADY
ON HOLIDAY
WHAT'S
THE CONNECTION?
IRONING
WITH SEX?
SEX?
U SAID YOU HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH SEX
No, with socks!
Sox not sex!
SOX! I MEANT SOX!
Hello.
Is the ab & butt class with Mario?
Still haven't fucked?
It's not like that.
Shit! I'm working out!
- Did I say something?
- It's OK.
You only come to the gym
to have a shower.
If anyone asks say I'm homeless.
Pampering our body?
You here?
How did your friend's blind date go?
- Costume look good?
- I'll call you.
I want it back.
I'll call you!
Who's paying for it?
What's this about?
Nothing.
I don't know this man.
Who's paying my bill?
Did you set up
my meeting with Angèle?
No way! I don't know him.
He hired 2 Mexican costumes!
He hasn't paid me.
I'll cash in the deposit.
Don't bullshit me.
Don't try to rip me off.
Just shut up!
Oh yes?
Well?
I helped things along a bit.
You love each other, no problem!
No problem?
Why don't I smash your ape face in?
Fuck!
- How about me...
- Piss off!
Very good.
And your deposit.
You piss me off!
This was left for you.
No!
- Yes, it's for you.
- No!
Two people. Let's talk calmly.
Sit down.
A man and a woman. A river bank.
A chance meeting.
She wears a Mexican costume.
Her hat flies away.
He tries
to fish it out of the river.
- It's dodgy.
- Really?
I can't go: "Wind, take it,
take it!" It was fate.
Really?
He goes to get it.
I nearly get it!
Nearly. I go back up.
I see the girl...
It's love at first sight.
Magical.
Sure is!
- No.
- No?
No, no, no.
It was set up, it wasn't fate.
It can't be love.
That's what I said.
Obvious. It wasn't fate.
Right. OK.
We're lucky, Nathalie.
It's rare
to be so in tune physically.
Yeah.
But you and I are out of tune.
I don't get it?
I'll explain.
I'm not an ass and tits.
We only meet to fuck.
Sex cements a couple.
Masons maybe, not me.
I've lost the plot.
You see us as a couple?
Couples hang out together,
go away for weekends.
I warn you, Nathalie.
If you walk out we're through.
How dumb can you get?
I'm leaving you,
sure I'm walking out.
You haven't understood.
If you walk out that door...
we're through.
It's like I attract them.
So? I repel them.
Hey! What's the problem?
No men.
How's sex with Michel?
We haven't had any yet.
What?
Not even a quick bang in the car?
No car. He can't drive.
Weird! Hasn't he tried?
For once a guy wants to get
to know me first, it's nice.
I'll give the next guy I lasso
5 minutes to drive me wild.
A serious case.
Withdrawal symptoms.
Hélène!
Even she's got herself a guy.
You're out of line.
But she's disabled!
She can't even talk.
How are you?
Hey, this looks serious?
I'm sorry.
Doesn't she know?
- It's a surprise.
- Great.
Hello?
Now? Why?
No problem, I'm at the Cinémathèque,
I'll join you.
Cool. I'm on my way.
I must go.
It sounds important.
See you later?
See you.
That was Michel.
Seems he has a problem.
I'm off to meet him,
see you later.
OK. Bye.
How are you?
Wait. We can't...
I must talk to you.
Let's walk.
Can't you talk standing still?
Yes. But it's important, come on.
What's going on?
Is there a problem?
Yes. I have a problem.
A serious problem.
You have a girlfriend?
Worse than that.
An incurable illness?
Worse than that.
Worse than that?
Your girlfriend
has an incurable illness?
Listen...
I'll explain.
Vincent confessed.
Our meeting was set up.
I know.
The barge, the Mexican costume,
I'm not an idiot.
So what's the problem?
I'll tell you, Angèle.
We'll get married,
buy a house, be happy,
go on holiday,
have fun with friends.
Then one Christmas
we'll tell our kids: "It's a fake,
"it was set up from the start."
As all true love stories
begin by a chance meeting. See?
So we break up because
we didn't meet by chance?
I'm so sorry.
You want us to break up?
You're not serious?
You are serious?
Because we didn't meet by chance?
You're mad.
- I'm mad?
- Yes.
Excuse me.
How long have you been together?
9 years.
How did you meet?
By chance, we...
That's fine, thanks.
Leave me alone!
MICHEL, DON'T YOU THINK
WE SHOULD TALK? VINCENT
ASSHOLE!
Your appointment is here.
I'm returning the costumes.
Thanks.
Come in.
Just for 5 minutes.
Sit down.
Nice!
Well, it's not...
I'm sorry about the hat.
Sweet of you.
But it doesn't matter.
Still, 1000 euro deposit
for his fancy dress is a rip off!
Can I contribute?
No way.
Alright otherwise?
I'm good.
Not bad.
Heard from Michel?
Michel is in good shape.
We're not speaking.
Really?
In a way. He faxed me.
ASSHOLE!
Right.
You can say something
you don't mean in anger.
But he sent me a text too.
So maybe it's true.
No, but...
I don't understand
the way he reacts...
Angèle, I'm sorry,
I don't do love affairs now.
Sure, I understand.
Well, I'll be off.
And otherwise...
How's Nathalie?
Interested?
I'd like to hear about the first
woman in my life who dumped me.
It hurts, huh?
No, but...
We got on well, had a lot of laughs,
had fantastic sex.
Like I said, it hurts.
Yes.
What does she want?
I don't know.
I don't do love affairs.
See you!
Angèle!
Angèle, please. We'll be late.
Hurry up, Angèle.
Angèle, come on!
You're shedding hairs everywhere.
Come on!
We're late.
Come on!
Hello, my name is Ingmar.
Good dog, my name is Ingmar.
How's that?
Repeat after her.
Hello, my name is Ingmar.
Good dog, my mate is Ingmar.
Is that OK?
Repeat after her.
That does it.
Shut up. Shut up.
Paris to Stockholm: shut up.
I'm really sorry.
No, it was my fault, I overreacted.
Forget it. Past history.
Started working out?
Yep!
I'll leave you standing soon.
I'm working on my Swedish too.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
What can you say?
Hello, my name is Ingmar.
I've just started.
So how have you been?
Pretty good.
Shall we stop? You're a bit...
Are you kidding? I'm good.
Any news of Angèle?
Angèle?
Funny you should mention her.
No news, no.
I never think about her now.
Let's have a little break.
Just to...
It's bizarre.
I don't even want to hear about her,
or to know how she is.
It's like it never happened.
Yeah.
Angèle!
Here! Come here!
You called your dog Angèle
like your ex?
Hey! I didn't even realize it!
It was an "A" year so I had to...
How are you?
I'm in love.
No kidding, Michel.
It's serious.
- This is for real.
- No?
I swear it. You must meet her,
tell me what you think.
Come for dinner with us?
Sure. Whenever you like.
Can you lend me your apartment?
Are you crazy or something?
I've never put a foot wrong
with her. I'm like the perfect guy.
You have
the perfect guy's apartment.
She mustn't see the mirrors
on my bedroom ceiling.
You have mirrors?
Yes. And the guy wants a fortune
to take them down.
An arm and a leg.
It's expensive to stop fucking.
Feeling better?
Yes.
Shall we get going?
Yes. No. Yes...
- Come on.
- Easy does it.
- Let's go! You're right.
- Off we go.
Here he is! Come in.
- Sorry I'm on time.
- Excellent.
What a great place!
Wonderful taste. Perfect.
We haven't spilt anything.
Yes, you have.
But that's...
Hey, that's my apron!
Do you cook now?
I've even done a course.
Wow!
Seafood lasagne tonight.
You'll be knocked out.
- Sweetie pie!
- Sweetie pie?
Michel's here.
- This is Stella.
- Hello.
Michel. Sorry.
Roses.
How lovely.
Roses are so beautiful...
Sweetie pie!
Sweetie pie! What did we say?
I'll put them in a vase.
She's fragile?
It's because she's on medication.
OK.
Isn't she beautiful?
Very beautiful.
Shall we sit down?
Let's do that.
She has a perfect body too.
Unbelievable.
Noticed anything special?
Anything...?
No.
Physically.
Very beautiful, fabulous figure.
She's blonde.
Yes.
She's my first real blonde
and she's the one.
Like fate.
No, Avrid's mother is blonde.
Arvid.
- Well, she's blonde.
- Well...
We've discussed kids.
I see, yes...
Sure you're not rushing into it?
I've changed this last year.
Now I want to commit
and fight to make this girl happy.
It's burning!
It slipped out of my hands.
Why didn't you let me do it?
I wanted to be useful.
This shitty society
rejects anyone who's different.
I'm incapable!
I want to slit my wrists!
Don't be silly, darling.
Leave me! I want to die!
Stella, stop!
Put that knife down.
Come on.
You're gonna have to fight.
All is not lost.
Angèle!
Michel?
Angèle? How...
How incredible.
Meeting like this.
By chance?
Yes. I'm walking my dog and...
Meet Hélène, my sister.
Delighted to meet you.
She's deaf.
I'm delighted to meet you.
She told me all about you
when we were...
Talk normally, she lip reads.
Right.
I said I'm delighted to meet you,
she told me about you
ages ago when...
If he's free I'm interested!
Do you have a girlfriend?
I don't understand.
She said...
"Hello, lovely to meet you."
OK.
So does this mean...
Are you with a guy?
"to meet"?
Yes, that's it!
Neat.
If that's your dog
maybe you should call him.
What is this dog?
Doggy!
Doggy!
Come on, doggy!
No name?
- What?
- No name?
Yes! No.
It changes,
I change his name regularly.
You change his name?
It's very good for canine memory.
What's his name today?
Ang...
Anchovy.
Like an anchovy?
Exactly the same.
I'll go and get him.
Anchovy! Anchovy!
What are you up to?
Come here!
It's dangerous! Accidents happen...
- I agree.
- Children get bitten.
Look at that!
What's going on?
You still love him.
You're talking rubbish.
Keep out of this.
Yes, Sylvain?
I'm still in the same place.
Yes, with my sister.
I'm not being aggressive!
Not a bit.
Alright.
Kiss-kiss. Yes, me too.
See you.
Take care of your dog instead of...
I will!
I'll bring you back a waffle!
Anchovy! Come here!
Here, Anchovy! Come on!
He's eaten the waffle.
The child's scared.
We're out of here!
I didn't call back
as I'm with my sister.
I'm not annoyed,
I just don't like feeling spied on.
OK, right.
It's incredible how well
you handle that wheelchair.
Awesome!
Paris is amazing.
I dump my wheelchair on the metro.
I have to crawl.
This city is so well adapted!
I'm sorry,
I don't understand sign language.
So learn it.
I'm sorry, we have to go.
I enjoyed this time together.
I'm very glad I met Hélène.
Me too.
Maybe one day we could...
meet for a drink...
Michel, I must tell you:
I live with someone.
Great! Wow!
We have to go.
Wow! Great!
Goodbye.
Angèle!
Yes?
Goodbye!
Goodbye.
Hello, Michel.
Hello, Swan.
What did he say?
Unbelievable!
I'll call you back.
Sorry.
Swan.
What a pretty name.
I haven't changed it.
Don't change it,
it has a lovely ring to it.
Swan Swan Swan.
Thank you. I'm very touched.
Do many people change names?
Well...
Dogs do.
Dogs do occasionally.
Dogs change their names
from time to time.
That's true.
Right on!
Swan Swan Swan!
He took it badly.
Why do you say that?
When a guy says: "Wow! Great!"
he means the opposite.
Think so?
Well?
Not bad.
I rather like it.
Princess Leia from Star Wars.
And with my hair loose?
No, but...
Shave your armpits!
Not until a guy
falls in love with me.
It'll teach them!
- Like some tea?
- Please.
Thank you.
You have good taste.
Like this dress?
Wow! Great!
What did I say?
I'll take it back.
No, don't be silly.
I was over the moon
to see him again.
Do you mind the drill?
I want to finish your shelf.
Not at all.
Thanks for the tea, sweet of you.
My pleasure. Kiss-kiss!
Yes, kiss.
I love you. Kiss-kiss.
Me too.
Kiss-kiss?
Yes. Kiss-kiss.
We had a fantastic afternoon.
He was lovely to Hélène.
You'll meet again?
I don't know.
Your hair is gorgeous!
I haven't changed it.
So you like this colour?
Yes, it's stunning.
Really.
He left me because
we hadn't met "by chance"!
But you just have!
One in a million chance
and you hit the jackpot.
I love it!
He left you before
you slept together...
I must do my bikini line,
the hay's overflowing the cart.
Girl talk!
We're cool now.
You were saying?
A proof of love.
They usually leave after.
One guy left me during!
Remember girls,
he's sweet, adorable...
reliable...
Here we go.
One super spice shelf.
And DIY too.
It's lovely.
Stella is beautiful,
a real blonde. But...
She hid medication
all over the apartment.
So I freaked out.
It was a warning signal.
Isn't a suicide attempt over a bowl
of pasta a warning signal?
I didn't get it.
But when I was with her...
I kept thinking about Nathalie.
Did you?
I wanted to see her.
But not disappoint her.
What do you do
when you love someone?
I don't know. Give her flowers.
Say you've changed,
that you were a lout.
Flowers are a good idea.
Must I say I was a lout?
No, not exactly.
Not exactly a lout.
You can say...
a piece of shit, a jerk,
a scumbag, a rat...
That'll do, I have the list.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Another vodka shandy?
You bet.
You're in bad shape.
I know you.
What's the problem?
No problem!
I'm treating myself.
I'll pull chicks.
You?
It takes years of training!
There's a technique.
You can teach me!
OK! But it takes two.
Anyone in mind?
Anyone at all! I'm a sniper.
Always ready to draw.
Listen...
I'm counting on you.
Tomorrow.
For some ass!
So teach me how, give me lessons.
I'm gonna fuck fuck fuck!
Thanks, man.
It's your bill.
Nathalie?
Why are you here?
I came to say hello.
Hello?
Oh, right.
4 a.m. is already tomorrow.
Good morning.
Nathalie, wait!
How did you know I work here?
I investigated a bit.
Long hours. Not too tough?
I have no option
with the alimony you got me.
What do you want?
I wanted to tell you...
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I've changed.
And I was a lout.
Who are the flowers for?
Sorry!
They're for you. Of course.
They smell lovely.
I'm very touched.
Are you?
They're just flowers.
That's something.
Can I drop you off?
There's a taxi rank nearby.
I'll walk there with you.
If you like.
- Kiss-kiss every 5 minutes!
- Stop it!
It's very sweet.
- It's soppy.
- Words of wisdom.
I do have a spice cupboard!
Not bad.
Hello.
Do you have fixative
for dry pastels:
a pipette, not a spray?
Thank you.
I can't do that to Sylvain,
he's fragile.
He might top himself.
Rot! He's like all guys,
always ready to fuck around.
Not Sylvain.
If we prove the contrary?
Why should I leave Sylvain
for a guy who vanished a year ago?
That's why.
He's in love with you.
Why do you say that?
I saw Vincent yesterday.
You've seen Vincent?
He turned up at my work
with flowers.
Flowers? Is this the same Vincent?
Get a load of that!
Back off!
I'm sorry but he's changed.
He just needs someone
to awaken his sensitive side.
It's simple. I'll explain.
A prick!
Within every woman is a treasure.
A treasure of sensuality,
of erotic pleasure.
And your prick...
is the key.
Think like a prick,
gaze like a prick.
Show me a "prick gaze".
What is a "prick gaze"?
Let's start again.
A gaze saying: "I want you."
You must express...
That's good.
You must express your prick...
through your gaze.
That's a nice find.
The prick gaze is a bit complicated
for me to grasp,
it's rather abstract.
Excuse me, Madam.
I watched you in court,
I want to say: "Bravo."
It was a lesson in law,
in eloquence...
And in charm.
Thank you. Are you a lawyer?
Another time.
I was just showing my friend.
See? Easy peasy!
Amazing!
Your prick. The key.
It's vital you let her talk.
Tell you her life story.
She'll talk herself out.
How do you know?
It always happens.
Now you move in.
Her guard is raised:
don't give her time
to bring it down again.
Or you'll be out.
No! Shit!
Wait! I'll handle this.
Hello, Miss.
Is this your car?
Certainly is.
I've been watching you
issuing parking tickets,
and I want to say: "Bravo!"
I'm impressed.
A lesson in beauty and grace.
Magnificent!
Thank you, how nice.
But I'm booking you.
- Why didn't it work?
- Forget it.
Screw her rubbish parking ticket!
No big deal.
Yes, it is! If you'd done it
she'd have melted.
I'm in deep shit.
Thanks, lady!
Be brave. This may be tough
but it's for you.
What if it goes wrong? What then?
OK, Claudine? Ready?
Ready? Take a look at me.
I've shaved, lost 3 kilos
and my spots.
I've never felt so ready.
Hi, handsome.
Hear that?
If I had a screwdriver I'd tighten
the hinges, the door hangs badly.
You smell yummy.
This is a lousy plan.
Too late now. Relax.
Relax. That's good.
Open it if you like.
Come in.
What's that?
A dog.
I know, I'm not stupid.
But what race?
Sorry.
An Australian Shepherd.
Do they do that?
Yes. Lie down.
I'm not tired.
- I meant the dog.
- I know.
Sometimes it's like
we're at cross-purposes.
Sometimes!
I brought some wine.
How sweet. You shouldn't have,
not Bordeaux...
Your place is gorgeous.
So are you.
You have fantastic legs.
Thank you.
And I have two!
When I see all those people on TV
with artificial limbs.
Swan, let's enjoy our evening.
No more talk about wars,
Aids or world famine. OK?
This is me and you time.
Me!
Like some champagne?
And you!
Make yourself at home.
Hunky-dory.
Where's Angèle? She's never late.
It's so hot in here.
I'm boiling.
Air-conditioning?
Just say when!
Whenever you like: anything!
I'm sorry.
I lack confidence.
I do. And my tits are too small.
Aren't they?
No, they're superb.
They're normal, just fine.
I'm not bragging
but I have a great ass.
Don't you think?
You have a very pretty bottom.
I love the way you say "bottom".
Say it again.
How? Bottom.
Bottom.
- I've been thinking...
- Bottom.
About all those girls
who'll look at your bottom
and go: "How nice and firm.
"But it's taboo.
It's someone else's."
They'll never touch you
with their tits.
Or run their lips over your body,
up and down, down and up.
And dig their nails in your back
during an orgasm few men can give.
Too bad for them.
You'll say: "No thanks,
"I'm with my soul mate."
It is hot in here.
Yes, Angèle?
Hello, Sylvain?
We were getting worried!
Speak up, I can't hear you.
Never mind. Work is work.
Right.
Yes. Kiss-kiss.
Angèle can't make it.
What a pity.
I wanted a fun evening.
How about one last drink?
You're on! One for the road.
Thank you.
Your illness!
What?
We always say: "Your health!"
"Your illness" makes a change.
It certainly does.
A big change.
There!
"Your illness!"
Recognize that?
Who? No!
It's the rattlesnake.
Yes, of course.
Know many girls who can do it?
No?
No, no one.
I have no past references.
You make me laugh!
I feel really good.
What's the time?
I don't know. Ten to.
I have to get up for work tomorrow.
I'd better go.
It's been a lot of fun.
Just fantastic!
Wait!
I must tell you something important:
I'm pissed,
too bad if you think I'm nuts.
It may sound crazy but...
I want you so bad,
and you feel the same.
Listen, I...
Go! Or we'll do something silly.
And we'll regret it.
See!
He's crazy about me.
I must tell you.
I've never felt this way before.
The first snake I saw
was a viper in my parents' caravan.
Dad tried to kill it with a broom.
It's vital you let her talk...
Tell you her life story.
She'll talk herself out.
Now you move in.
Her guard is raised:
don't give her time
to bring it down again.
A drop more wine?
You want to do my head it.
Fair's fair.
- Pardon?
- Nothing.
You know...
I watch you in the office.
Answering the phone, hanging up,
taking calls...
I want to say: "Bravo!"
You do it brilliantly.
Thank you.
Shit! What are you doing
with your tongue?
Sorry!
I'll get a dissolvent.
Red wine doesn't stain.
The prick gaze ain't for me.
Found it?
You've taken it off?
How are you doing? Cool?
Shut up!
No, Angèle...
You'd fuck any bitch.
- Thanks a lot!
- Wait!
Let me explain. Don't go!
Angèle...
You funky brute.
You could have waited 5 minutes.
It takes time to work.
Right.
Do you like...
Some coffee?
Good idea!
It's chewing gum.
- Shit!
- Don't touch it.
Just rub it with an ice cube.
- Really?
- Here.
What are you doing?
It's getting hard.
But...
It's hard now.
Who's that?
I don't know, I don't live here.
I know...
Don't move, we must do it now.
It's starting.
Good.
It's so hard.
It's getting harder.
That's perfect!
You see?
- It's harder.
- Classy!
Angèle!
Very classy.
Who's that?
Angèle!
I know her! Wait!
It's not what you think!
Wait, Angèle!
Angèle! Wait!
Please let me explain!
Listen.
I had chewing gum stuck to my pants!
Is that your fantasy?
If I'd known
I'd have bitten it off!
So you do have sex after all.
I don't want to do it with you.
No, with me you want to go walking
in the park and bird watch!
I'm a woman too.
I want to be loved.
To be made love to and come!
Me too, I'd love that.
It's all because of you.
I was jealous.
You're with someone...
We bust up.
You never said.
Let me finish!
Shit! You dumped me!
But we met again by chance.
Drop this chance stuff!
Did you meet that naked bimbo
by chance?
She wasn't naked!
She just took off her top
as she'd spilt wine on it.
I went to get the stain remover.
And...
Why am I telling you?
She means nothing to me!
She's a halfwit.
She leaves me cold...
Goodnight, Michel.
Goodnight.
Thanks a lot.
Sorry, wait a minute...
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it...
Angèle...
A bimbo with 10,000 euro tits!
He can't be in love
with a girl that stupid!
You talked to him?
I didn't have to.
She's obviously a moron.
That's reassuring.
No, it isn't!
But the bitch has a great body.
Wait! This is fantastic!
He wants to make you jealous.
You got him!
Spare me your advice.
But Angèle, she's right!
Don't call him.
Don't call him!
He's so mean.
Feeling better?
It's been a year now.
You're legally in the wrong.
I can press charges.
Go ahead! Take me to court.
I'll go to prison for a hat.
No client has ever done this.
Not in 8 years!
I must go. I'm with kids...
Screw them!
Hello?
He hung up on me!
Hang up then.
It's you.
A dog opened the door.
Don't say a word.
A wild night of sex!
Here's a bun for the champion.
Well?
What couldn't you say on the phone?
A hellish night.
Don't say that.
What happened?
Angèle showed up unexpectedly.
- They saw each other?
- Yes.
That's great!
You've got her hooked!
Don't call her!
If you say so.
I must ask you a couple of things.
It's not...
Where did the hat land?
What?
Is there any way to get it back?
Are you asking me about a hat?
I'll wing it.
And a friend wants to go away
on a romantic weekend.
Where should I suggest?
I don't give a shit.
Why ask me?
He's going through a tricky patch.
Let's find him a nice place.
There are 50,000 places
to take a girl.
Just name one.
The seaside! They love the sea.
It's romantic.
The seaside is sound!
Seagulls.
Seagulls are beautiful.
They fly.
I don't know how to do this.
Give me time.
You're doing fine, sweetheart.
I don't know how to say this...
I'm feeling horny.
Good.
That's life.
I feel real hot too.
- I want you so bad.
- But...
What's that red thing?
What red thing?
A hat, isn't it?
Not just a hat...
It's Angèle's sombrero!
That's fate for you!
But she lost it in Paris.
Yes!
It fell in the Seine a year ago.
The Seine flows into Normandy,
through the Havre
or the Caen Estuary...
It went all that way
to end up here with us.
Isn't that amazing?
It's a sign!
But it's a sign!
I love you.
I've made 1000 euros!
The Calon Ségur to your liking?
Perfect, thanks.
Thank you.
It's beautiful!
Funny, isn't it?
I never imagined us
having lunch together,
just the two of us, by the sea.
It's so romantic.
What's wrong?
My hand's in the butter.
Why didn't you say so?
I didn't want to spoil this magic,
the sea, the gulls.
I was in it all the way.
I was totally wrong about him.
I thought he was fragile and tender.
But he's a monster.
He hits the spot and I go sky high.
Pathetic!
I don't give a shit about that guy.
We're fine just the two of us.
Don't use me as your alibi.
I'm with a guy, I'm happy.
What?
What are you talking about?
I sacrificed my life for you!
I never asked you to.
Don't project your anxiety onto me.
I'm trying to live a normal life,
to be independent.
Live your life!
Confide in him, call him.
No. Never!
Call him!
He can leave me hundreds
of messages, I'll never call him!
My phone!
Shit!
She's mad.
Hello?
Sylvain!
Why are you calling me?
I said it's all over.
What?
Claudine's number?
Not too good.
Yes, I think...
I'll buy a ticket
for South America and...
Adios.
Talking of adios...
You know I'm here for you,
I'm your friend.
I'll always be here for you,
that's friendship.
How can I put it?
Your grandfather is dead.
Your mother just left my office.
I'm sorry.
My mother?
But...
Why didn't you call me right away?
I didn't dare give you
two pieces of bad news.
Two? What's the second?
We're divorcing.
That's impossible!
35 years of marriage!
You never fought!
He was never there.
Always in his surgery
or away on conferences.
Now he's retired
he's always at home. Unbearable!
Come on!
You can't destroy a great
love story. A magical encounter.
Michel,
we sweetened things up a bit.
In '69 your father vomited
in the plane.
My first gift was a scaling.
To hell with the encounter,
the years after are what matter.
I don't agree.
Look at grandpa and grandma.
A lifetime together.
You don't know anything.
Now he's dead I can tell you:
he slept with that woman for years.
- What woman?
- Jeanine.
Next to grandma.
No, it can't be true.
Let's have a walk.
Yes, because...
You alright?
Yeah. Actually...
I'm good...
Sorry. It does help.
It's normal.
Have a nice weekend at the sea?
How do you know?
I'm not an idiot.
It was great, thanks.
You see, you were right.
My parents are divorcing.
My grandpa slept with Jeanine.
I messed up with my dream girl.
What did you say?
Grandpa screwed Jeanine.
Screw grandpa!
You said "my dream girl".
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did!
No, I didn't...
Why are you still here?
Go and tell her!
With your naff principles,
you can't blow this!
Advice from a prick for a brain?
I took your advice
and I'm over the moon.
To hell with it!
Shit!
Keep the change. Thanks.
Angèle!
Open the door, I must talk to you!
Great.
Hello, I must find Angèle.
He can't hear...
Are you with a guy?
What are you after?
You can talk?
Sure I can talk.
I can hit you too!
So can I! Get up!
What's this about?
Chill out.
He's my sister's ex.
Him?
I didn't know.
Where's Angèle?
I must talk to her.
She's catching a train
at the Gare du Nord.
Paris-Brussels Thalys at 18.30.
- Paris-Brussels.
- Hurry!
Thanks.
You're the best sister-in-law ever!
Scared, huh? I love you too.
Just kidding.
I better go, darling.
I don't want to be late.
When shall we meet?
Wait...
Hello, Vincent? It's Michel.
Listen, you must save me...
What's going on?
Hang on two seconds.
Angèle is catching
a train at the Gare du Nord now.
Go and meet Michel there,
I'll pick up Arvid.
OK. I'm on my way.
The Thalys for Brussels?
- Platform 8.
- Thanks.
Hello.
Can I borrow your mic?
For a personal message.
Sorry, it's impossible.
It's not allowed.
Couldn't you make
an exception to the rule?
No special dispensation.
I can't.
For a new outfit?
We're not terrorists.
He must talk to his girl.
Don't be scared.
Only two seconds. We're sorry.
Good afternoon.
Welcome to the Thalys.
- Can I have a Kit Kat?
- No!
- Don't touch my tits.
- I'm not.
Vincent!
It's not on purpose.
- Is she French?
- Yes.
Don't translate 3 languages.
Cut to the chase!
You're right.
Angèle, nothing happened with Swan.
I've always known
you're the girl for me.
I want us to walk in the park
together and bird watch.
I want to make love to you.
At the same time maybe...
What embarrasses me most:
I called my dog Angèle!
So I could say your name every day.
Angèle, I love you.
Thank you.
Why are they here?
No idea, I don't understand.
- Hi, dad! How are you?
- Arvid!
You speak French?
That tops it!
I'd like an explanation.
And I'd like
my Swedish lessons refunded.
Please explain what's going on
as I've lost the plot.
We'll explain later.
If you say so!
Not on the train?
No, I missed it.
Are you here... by chance?
No.
I'm not here by chance.
I'm here for you.
How's Angèle?
I couldn't bring her.
But... you were on it!
Yes, I was.
No!
And Anchovy? That's so nutty!
THE PERFECT DATE