Lady Peacock (2014) - full transcript

♪ [glass shatters]

Once upon a lady-boy's dream, in sophomore year of high school,

phishy-flamer Edwin crowned the nerdy homo,

Conner, his best friend.

Conner thought Edwin was the greatest.

A true queen to learn from,

and Edwin absolutely creamed over the attention.

Soon enough, fresh meat Brett, the hunky stallion of a jock,

put a plug up their friendship, if you know what I mean.

Yes huntees, all the boys could do was think about the

yummy, hot, top of a butch, Brett.



Delish.

Edwin joined every sport Brett played, while Conner just sat

on the sidelines too afraid to make a move.

Edwin even tried to snatch his way into Brett's house!

Trifling tranny.

All Conner could do was hope and pray to the fairy gods

above that his dream jock would finally notice him.

Mmm, tasty.

Then something fantasmic happened junior year.

The fairy gods were listenin' and Brett was assigned a seat

right next to Conner.

Conner was an A+ student in Algebra...

Fuckin' genius, queens.

Brett was a total starfish, pretty to look at,



but ain't got no brains for days, huntees.

After a year of pent-up homo-erotic butt-chumming

aggression, Conner finally got his man-hunk's attention

and was asked over to his house to tutor!

Yes God, honey!

Every Tuesday and Thursday they spent hours and hours

upon hours divulging algebra.

Well, the fantasy didn't last long.

Do you remember that creaming flamer, Edwin?

Well he decided to stalk their every move and just like that,

Conner's dream crumbled when Edwin ripped poor Conner out

of the closet; announced he was gay.

Brett freaked the freak out, called Conner a fag, and that

"See you next Tuesday" of a hag, Edwin,

just stood there giggling!

Drama!

♪♪

Come on Conner!

We're clubbing. Hurry up!

Settle down, bitch! I'm coming!

Whew!

Oooow!

Everyone and their daddy is here tonight.

Let us off here, Michael.

I'm not walking in by myself.

We're just getting in line.

If any of you goes in without me, I'm leaving you here.

Do you really think we're gonna get in

before you find a parking spot?

Don't be a bitch, Matthew. Just don't go in without me.

Can't you just park the car and come find us?

Must we get all dramatic before we even go inside?

I wasn't acting dramatic, Conner.

Yeah, but you were acting like a cunt.

Alright ladies, are you ready for getting into action?

You think Michael's ever gonna find a parking space?

I don't give a fuck!

Dinero?

Chavo?

Mm-mm, new jeans honey, new jeans.

Why don't you...

Why don't you try further up in the line, honey?

Discoteca?

Mmm-mmm baby, no disco. Madonna.

Madonna?

Madonna!

[whistles]

You can go inside.

Thank you.

Hey, you can't go in without Michael.

I just found my ride home, baby.

Bitch.

Dinero?

What? What?

Mira.

Oh I don't have a mirror.

♪ You're one year older, Mister owner ♪

- Happy birthday. - Thank you!

♪ But still sexy at 53 ♪

[laughs]

Muah!

Cheers.

[cheering]

[laughs]

♪♪

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Get me a Cranberry Vodka.

Okay, I gotta go.

Awww.

Yeah, I have class tomorrow

and I haven't finished reading all my students' essays yet.

Okay...

Happy birthday, Mister owner.

[chuckling]

53.

[club music plays continually]

Hey Angela, can you give me a glass of red

and get whatever this gentleman would like to drink.

Top shelf vodka with ice and a Rum and Coke.

Who's the other drink for?

They're both for me, sweetie.

One's to pound, the other one's to sip.

I'm Ronald.

What's your name?

I'm Matthew. What's yours?

Steven.

I'm the owner.

You wanna go downstairs?

No thanks, just here to dance.

Can I get you a drink?

Are you a college boy?

Do I look like I'm in college?

I work at a flower shop.

Which one?

I'll see you around.

Owner.

[whispers something inaudible]

That's not worth a drink.

You wanna fuck me? Buy me a car!

There are so many sleazy guys in this club.

All willing to pay for your drinks.

Can you get more adorable?

Where?

Baseball cap.

Oh my God!

Hot!

Gross!

Give me a cigarette.

You don't smoke, Conner.

I do when I drink.

I only have five left.

Oh my God, are five not gonna last you?

Got a light?

I'm Conner.

Devan.

Whoo!

Hey bitch, answer your phone!

Oh.

Oh, never mind. [giggling]

That's Michael.

He's just a friend.

He's with the other guy?

David?

Not exactly.

He's not with me.

Holy shit, the show is starting.

What show?

The show.

What's going on?

You didn't come here to see the show?

I came here because it's a gay club.

What can I get you guys?

Would you buy a drink, Devan?

What do you want?

Jack and Coke.

And a Bud.

I love how they don't card you here.

Most gay clubs don't.

After the mysterious death of Elizabeth Two,

a dark figure emerged from the shadows.

She had returned from the grave

and ascended to the throne.

Look out England!

I give you Queen Diana!

♪ Why don't you take your fake lashes off? ♪

♪ Your five freak nails ♪

♪ Your Frederick's of Hollywood derrière ♪

♪ Let your real hair down ♪

♪ It's time to come through ♪

♪ Come through ♪

♪ Be you ♪

♪ Woooo you baby ♪

♪ Oooow and when you do ♪

♪ It's gonna feel so good deep down inside ♪

♪ Oooo ♪

♪ You'll feel like flyin' like wings of a dove ♪

♪ You got love ♪

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ Be you ♪

♪ Be true ♪

♪ It's time to be you ♪

♪ Why don't ya take your fake lashes off ♪

♪ Your five freak nails ♪

♪ Your Frederick's of Hollywood derrière ♪

♪ Let your real hair down ♪

♪ It's time to come through ♪

♪ Come through ♪

♪ Be you ♪

♪ It's easy to do honey ♪

♪ Girl, I got tired... ♪

[applause]

How about the Queen?

Ugh!

Yeah I'd go straight for you in a second if I weren't a top.

♪ But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top ♪

[audience laughter]

You got that right. [laughs]

How are you guys doin' out there?

Good?

Well, for those of you who don't know who I am,

I'm your gorgeous host,

Miss Broccoli Spears Alexander Federline.

[laughter]

Oh, and hottest mess.

Well, I'm on so much pain medication.

I'm all vegetable from the neck up.

No?

Oh.

Well I'm here to leave you fully satisfied

and take care of your every need.

So let's do that by welcoming to the stage the person who

I'm sure you're all ready and excited to see.

The one, the only, Adora!

♪♪

♪ I don't care what you do or say ♪

♪ I'm gonna do this my own damn way ♪

♪ No turning back ♪

♪ No takin' no ♪

♪ Answers there are not my own ♪

♪ They're not my own ♪

♪ They're not my own ♪

♪ They're not my own ♪

♪ They're not, not, not ♪ [echo effect]

♪ You don't like the way I talk ♪

♪ You don't like the way I walk ♪

♪ You don't like my crazy hair ♪

♪ You don't like me anywhere ♪

♪ I don't care what you do or say ♪

♪ I'm gonna do this my own damn way ♪

♪ No turning back ♪

♪ No takin' no ♪

♪ Answers there are not my own ♪

♪ I see you hatin' on me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪♪

Don't you wanna watch the show?

I heard there's a better one downstairs.

Where the hell is he?

Fuck if I know.

Why am I even bothering to find him?

When we got here, he said he found him a ride.

Has anyone even seen him tonight?

I never saw him once.

One second.

Mmm. Mmm.

Are you a little bitch?

You're wig is dope.

You are.

My wig?

Bitch.

Well your whole costume's amazing.

Mmm. Yes, it's all very dope.

You wouldn't happen to have an extra cigarette?

[laughs]

I don't smoke.

She doesn't smoke.

Don't come to my show, bitch.

Nasty!

[laughing]

What a bitch!

Who, the drag queen?

Yes!

She was all like,

"Oh you came running over here for a cigarette."

No bitch, I thought you was Jennifer Lopez.

I thought that's...

I thought that's how you guys talked to each other.

You guys?

I meant the three of you.

To each other, yes, but not to strangers.

I thought he was too fat for the shirt he was wearing.

Oh my God, he was too fat for that shirt.

The one with his hat turned backwards,

pretending he wasn't 30?

Mmhmm.

He was so pathetic.

Let's just leave.

I need cigarettes and head.

Oh he's probably in the woods.

The woods. [laughing]

If you go in there, you're a slut.

Have you gone in there?

Tons of times!

Whatever, let's go.

You with him?

Oh my God, hope so.

[bird chirping]

Good morning.

Hi.

So you uh, wanna take a shower?

I can take one when I get home.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I'm okay, Conner.

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

I just wanna take things slow.

Alright, will you at least wait while I take one

before you run home?

[thud]

Conner, you alright?

Yep!

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I just slipped on the damn towel from last night.

Oh, well good thing I didn't wanna take a shower.

[birds chirping]

Good morning.

Have you seen my hat?

You weren't wearing one when we came out here.

I gotta get home.

Can I get ya some breakfast first?

I never eat breakfast.

I was hoping for a ride home in exchange.

Why don't we just take your car?

My car?

This isn't my car.

Hey.

Remember that guy, Mike, I was telling you about?

Yeah.

Well, he finally asked me out.

- Cool. - Yeah.

You know where he's taking me?

Where?

The Shark Fin.

Oooo.

- Alright. - Fancy

So okay, I need your help, okay.

A few options.

What do you think of this?

Well what do you mean?

Too much?

Uh...

Too much.

Wait, I have a few options.

This green, nice.

This one's a little more sophisticated.

You know what, this one I really like.

What do you think?

That one's pretty cool. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm just not, haven't been given that ability.

My brother finally comes out and he wasn't given that ability.

You know what, Devan, I must say,

I'm very disappointed by this whole thing.

You are so lucky he doesn't run like a girl.

Mm-hmm.

What's your problem?

I'm not out to everyone.

Oh, it's okay bubby.

I'm not out to everybody either.

Where did this come from?

The floor of the car.

Matthew dropped more than his pants last night.

Mm-hmm.

Do you smoke?

David, can I have one of those?

Does this look like Calais?

I only want one.

I'll buy you another pack.

I only have a few so make them last.

I love you.

You really need to start carrying

your own cigarettes, Conner.

He's pissed at you.

He's always like that.

So does someone have a membership here or something?

One of Michael's ex-boyfriends used to work here.

So we're breaking into a private pool?

We have a key.

We've done this a thousand times.

Well I have a pool at my house.

Yeah but at this one we don't have to wear our bathing suits.

Crap!

When you graduate school, you're gonna build houses?

Well I have to draft a lot of different design plans,

but a construction company will build them.

I'll probably start off with houses and then eventually

work my way up to skyscrapers.

So you're gonna make a lot of money, huh?

I'm not in it for the money.

I am, I mean I would be.

Well you can make a lot of money working on computers.

One day, I suppose.

Right now I just wanna have fun.

I gotta pee.

Be right back.

Damn! How big is that thing?

Come on David, I had my back to you the entire time.

I know if I can see it from the back, it's gotta be big!

I'm here to teach the skills needed to achieve and maintain

enough success to guarantee you working the rest of your life.

I've been teaching this class for three years

and I've never been so impressed with my students before.

After reading each of your essays, I can see that every

one of you have a very clear understanding

of how to make a very tasty cupcake.

Alright that's all we have time for today.

Your homework for next week

is to bring in the design of your cupcake.

We cannot begin to bake them until we first

learn how to make them. [phone ringing]

Hey, I just finished class.

Well don't come home too late.

I love you.

That was pretty quick.

Must be like a hundred flower shops in Long Island.

And I walked into yours.

Believe me, I checked out a lot of flower shops

before I found you.

I mean, your shop.

Are you looking for something specific?

That arrangement that you're working on

looks like a nice one.

Is it for sale?

No, I'm sorry.

They're for a dead person.

Then perhaps roses?

For my mother.

I can arrange that.

So, do you have a boyfriend?

I only have people I have sex with.

It's not part of my job description to help you send

naked pictures over the internet.

Hold on.

Hey Aunt Patricia I gotta go.

Call you at the end of the week.

- Hey. - Hey.

It's good to see you.

♪♪

My students are really doing well.

I can't believe some of their concepts.

I wish I had some of their ideas

when I opened up Cupcake Castle.

Earth to Uranus.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's great, honey.

We must be the happiest couple in the world, don't you think?

Yes, of course.

We never fight, we both have successful businesses,

and we've been together more than 15 years.

Not many couples can say that.

No, not too many.

I used to be worried that you'd run off

with some young thing from Calais.

But I think with this grey hair you got coming in,

I don't have to worry about that anymore.

[chuckles]

♪♪

♪♪

The important thing is that he's at peace now.

I just never thought that we would outlive him.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[cell notification]

Hey there.

I'm getting ready now.

How about if I pick you up in about 30 minutes

and I take you to a very nice lunch?

Great!

Is there a reason why we had to drive so far out of town?

I thought it'd be nice to take you someplace

where I know you've never been before.

How'd you know I've never been here before?

I've been to a lot of places and I've seen a lot of people.

Granted they don't usually hit up the early bird special.

You shouldn't assume I'm not worldly.

Hi guys.

I'll be taking care of you this evening.

Can I get either of you gentlemen a drink?

I'll have the house cabernet.

Rum and Coke.

I guess they don't card here either.

See?

It's great to go someplace where they don't know you.

That way you don't feel uncomfortable about anything.

I'm sorry about the interruption,

but I'm gonna have to see your son's ID.

My son?

Yeah, my boss wanted me to ask for it.

Can't you just tell him that you saw it?

No, I'm sorry.

Forget it, I'll have a regular coke.

No it's okay. I got this.

Don't make a big thing out of it.

Son, please calm down.

He's gonna show you his driver's license, and you're

going to go back to your boss and tell him that, indeed you

saw it, and that he is in fact legally able to drink,

and I in return am going to leave you such a generous tip

that you're gonna be able to take all next weekend off

and go to the beach with your friends.

Top shelf rum?

And a cabernet.

I haven't felt that old in at least a week.

Look man, you're as old as you feel.

You know we drove so far away for lunch

it's almost time for dinner?

Yeah, I know.

Can we do this again sometime?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Just what type of girl do you think I am?

♪♪

You know, you're wearing my clothes right now.

Don't tell me you don't look good. [laughs]

You can go in.

It's about time.

Just him.

Uh, we're all together.

I cannot take you all together.

Not right now.

We're a group.

Then wait.

It's okay.

Just go in. We'll be in soon anyways.

What am I supposed to do by myself?

The same thing you did the last time.

Just get me a Jack and Coke and hold the wall up, okay?

I'll have a Fuzzy Navel.

I'll have one too.

That boy is gorgeous.

I know.

I think I'm fallin' for him.

Whatever.

Okay. Cool.

Two Fuzzy Navels, a Jack and Coke, and a Bud.

If I guess which one is yours, can I get your number?

I'm kinda with someone.

Aren't we all?

Well the guy I'm with is still outside.

Then he just wasn't cute enough to get inside.

What's your name?

Devan.

Hey Devan.

I'm Edwin.

Ever been with a Puerto Rican?

I'm actually kinda knew to...

The scene?

Well, if you ever need a tour, just let me know.

Oh great, here comes the club slut.

Finally got in.

Uh, this is Edwin.

[chuckles]

Let me guess, Manhattan?

No. Well one of those. [laughing]

Do you know him?

We just met.

He was just guessing what you were drinking.

Yeah.

Did you think he was cute?

Uh, he's a little cute.

Did you think he was cute?

I'm not really into Latin boys.

You really thought he was cute?

Was I not supposed to?

You can suppose whatever you want.

I just didn't think you'd be into Latin boys.

Who said I was into him?

You asked him if I thought he was cute.

What's the big deal?

Is it just me or did it all of a sudden getting

really hard to get into this place?

It's just you, baby.

I thought you guys came in at the same time.

I got pulled out of line.

David got in cause she said she had to pee.

I did have to pee.

Look out!

It's Rosie the Riveter.

[applause]

What's up, pigs and sausages?

How you doin' tonight?

Oh my God!

I haven't seen this many sisters since Little Women.

[audience laughter]

Oh and Broccoli darling, don't forget that gaggle of lesbians

over there in that corner. Ah!

Well I was wondering why the carpet's red. [laughs]

But enough about the lesbians, where my homos at?

[clapping and whistling]

Oh God!

I feel like I'm at an orgy.

I can play the Four Tops.

Liza, you're so filthy.

But enough out of us.

Is this, the girl ready or not, backstage?

I'm sorry. One sec.

Tell her to get some eye lashes on

and get the fuck on the stage.

Alright faggots are you ready?

By now you should know the words.

The one, the only...

Adora!

♪♪

♪ Are you ready? Ah ♪

♪ Are you ready? Ah - Ah ♪

♪ Are you ready? Ah ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh the melody yeah ♪

♪ There's a beat every step of the way ♪

♪ Sometimes it goes everything in the air♪

♪ Sometimes it throws caution down ♪

♪ And let's forget about the verse ♪

♪ Move on to the chorus ♪

♪ Cause we're livin' in the moment ♪

♪♪

♪ Let your record play - yeah ♪

♪ Let the rhythm take you all the way ♪

♪ I throw my hands in the air like a millionaire ♪

♪ I'm livin' everyday like tomorrow ain't there ♪

♪♪

♪ Feel the rhythm in hair and music everywhere ♪

♪ On your body ah. ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Do you wanna party? ♪

♪ Then get your hands up ♪

♪ Move your body ♪ ♪ Move your body ♪

♪ Everybody, get your hands up ♪

♪ Move your body ♪ ♪ Move your body ♪

♪ Now get your hands up ♪

♪ Now get your hands up ♪

♪ Get your, get your hands up ♪

♪ Get your, get your hands up. ♪

♪ Now get your hands up ♪

♪ Get your, get your hands up ♪

♪ Get your hands up ♪

♪ Hands up, up, up, up ♪

♪ I throw my hands are in the air like a millionaire ♪

♪ I'm livin' everyday like tomorrow ain't there ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪ On your body ah - ah ♪

♪♪

[applause]

Do you still think he was cute?

Huh?

That was your friend Edwin.

That guy I was talking to?

Look, is he someone that I'm gonna have to compete with?

There's no way that you could do that. [laughs]

You know what I meant.

Look, if you really had such a hard time keeping your eyes off him,

maybe you should just fuck him.

What?

I mean, he's probably been with as many guys as a woman

as he has as a man.

What's with you?

We go on like two dates and all of a sudden you're pulling

this "jealous boyfriend"?

It's not very attractive, Conner.

What's his problem?

Thick eyebrows. [both laugh]

Would you like some paper for that pencil?

I would expend a little more girth for a man your age.

Well why don't you whip yours out so we can compare?

Oh Conner, you know what it looks like.

It hasn't been that long.

All I remember is a lot of unnecessary extra skin.

So what do you want, Edwin?

That sexy little thing you call Devan.

Why?

Because, he's yours.

Oh no, bitch.

Fuckin' with the wrong queen.

God dammit!

Don't fuck with me, Conner.

Better not tear my fucking vest, Edwin.

Oh your cheap-ass vest you filthy varmint.

It's Banana Republic!

- Is it now? - Bitch!

He's mine!

Oh my God!

This is a bathroom, not a bath house. - Don't fuck with me, Conner.

You bitter old queen, get off me!

- Why are you like this? - I grew up poor, okay?

Oh my God! Get off of him.

Oh honey.

The drag queen, Conner? Really?

What the hell just happened?

I wanna go home.

We just got here.

I haven't even finished my first drink.

I didn't ask you to leave, David.

I said I, not we.

You know, this is why our best friends should always be girls.

Excuse me?

They know when it's time to go home.

Tell that to the lesbians.

♪♪

Really Devan?

[knock, knock]

How'd tonight go?

Same as every night.

That's good to hear.

I'm gonna go take care of the registers, alright?

There's a rumor about you.

I, I mean I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt,

but I see you're wearing your hair differently

and I noticed that naked ring finger.

Has Jerry gotten too old?

I'm the one who's gotten too old.

Honey, when the man you love stops lovin' you,

that's when you've gotten too old.

♪♪

[phone ringing]

Hey honey, I thought you were coming by today.

I wanted to show you the new designs we made.

Well then, I guess I'll see you tonight when I get home.

Alright, I want her to think I like her, but I don't want her

getting the wrong idea.

What's the wrong idea?

I don't want the flowers that say "I love you."

Have you ever given a girl orchids?

Dude, your boy knows roses.

Roses will make her love you.

If you just want to fuck her, you've gotta go with orchids.

They're the sex flower.

Really?

Yeah, they germinate much faster than any other flower,

and they release a tonic into the air that science

has proven it arouses a woman.

It actually gets her wet.

You serious?

I'll get the arrangement together for you

while you go down the block to the liquor store.

Get a box of wine.

Thanks.

Can I purchase you an orchid?

Please, the only flower that makes a girl wet

is from her pussy.

Then why did you tell him all that?

Because he's horny and he won't notice

that Orchids are ten times more money than Roses.

Are you buying me something?

I... I...

This man is always buying me something.

Guess there goes any chance of me

surprising you with flowers.

Make sure he doesn't spend too much money.

I'll see you at home.

Perhaps you'd better get going as well.

I can explain.

It's not necessary.

I saw your wedding band the day I met you.

People don't look at their spouses like that.

You're a very lucky man, Steven.

If this continued, you'd lose that forever.

I still don't know what to do about this whole Conner thing.

Oh, how did your date go?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't checking my phone five

times an hour, every hour, just to see if Mike called.

And?

And, don't ask.

I don't know, Dev.

I, I believe that with the right person,

you can find love.

Probably not gonna find it at Calais, though.

Look, you know, there's always that chance that one other

person in the crowd also searching.

But, yeah, you probably would have to find your way

through a lot of sleaze there first.

Why does everybody just wanna have sex?

All people should want to find love before they have sex.

You're definitely a rare breed, Dev.

Yeah, but how do I tell the difference between

somebody who actually loves me

and somebody who's just gonna use me?

Good question.

The first person I ever gave it up for

was someone I met at a club.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

TMI.

What?

You want my help or not?

So yeah, I thought he was Prince Charming,

saying all the right things,

but I saw what I wanted to see, you know?

Anyway, after he finally convinced me that I could

trust him and he would never hurt me, blah, blah, blah,

I slept with him.

And he dumped me the next day for

the waitress at our favorite restaurant.

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

I'm so sorry, Gloria. I had no idea.

Never put your faith in someone who tells you "Trust me."

An honest man will earn your trust.

I liar will demand it.

[racing sounds from video game]

You go to Calais.

Yeah so what's your point?

When did you get this system?

Oh, couple days ago.

I just can't imagine you playing it.

I don't.

I bought it for those girls.

They can be themselves here.

You're so sweet, Silvia.

Most dealers kick you out after a few minutes.

Oh God. I think of myself as a therapist.

So I met a guy at Calais a couple of days ago.

He's real slutty, also kinda girly.

Yeah, like what gay guy isn't? [laughing]

Actually, I think only a real man can take another man.

Well I'm not a man and I can take Link just fine.

Link still has boobs.

I asked him to keep them. I like boobs.

He can't become a real man unless he loses those puppies.

[chuckles]

I will never understand gay men.

How can you not like boobs?

I never said I didn't like them.

I can appreciate their function.

Well these serve a very important function.

Oh come on, babe.

That doesn't do anything for me, especially on a lesbian.

I'm not a lesbian.

I'm gender queer.

You ever suck on one?

When I was 14.

14?

14?

I was 16 before I even saw one.

I mean like somebody else.

Well if it makes you feel any better

I only had sex when I was 18.

I got you beat on that.

I was 17.

Mine was with a guy.

Well I guess you got all the girls beat on that, bro.

Not me.

I was 15.

Weren't you supposed to wait back then until you got

married or something?

Honey, I grew up in the '60s when it was hip to lose your

virginity at a concert.

[phone ringing]

Oh, they, they found my hat.

I have to go back to Calais.

Thank God!

It's the only hat I look cute in.

The bathroom still unlocked?

Yeah, go ahead.

Alright so he's really good at it.

But just imagine if you beat him.

This drag competition is all Edwin has.

Then you're gonna have to come down here, baby,

cross your name off the list, and give me a ride home.

Bitch, I seriously cannot believe you.

Well, look what we have here.

Tell me, was it easier getting admission on a weekday?

Excuse me?

The Miss Calais contest, I saw that you signed up.

That is correct, Edwin.

Do you actually think you have a chance at winning?

Please, I have just as much chance as you.

There are a lot of names on that list.

Please, five fucking hundred guys could

sign up on that list and I would still win.

Conner's name is the only name you should be worried about.

Would you stay out of this, Matthew!

Hey!

Ball juice!

I'd be nice to me if I were you.

I just happen to know a serious, fucked up people who would

love to meet a little girl like you.

So why don't you and your sister act there get the hell

out of our faces?

- Sister act? - Shh!

Your boyfriend, Devan.

Nice ass.

He's not my boyfriend.

That's right.

He's mine.

See you at the competition.

Heels on.

I am gonna fucking kill you, Matthew.

[ding dong]

Whoa!

Why is every guy I meet dressing up like a woman?

Shouldn't you be with Edwin?

I just came over to see if I left one of my credit cards

in your room.

You're not even here to see me?

Can you just look please?

Alright, give me a minute.

It's not here. You must have left it at Edwin's.

Do you think David and Michael are assholes?

When, now?

I just had a really bad night at Calais and I wanted to

leave, but they still had drinks in their hands,

so they wanted to stay.

And that surprises you?

I thought friends were supposed to be

there for each other.

They're flakes, Conner.

You can't expect them to be there

when you have a serious problem.

That's what real friends are for, like me.

So you think I really have a shot at getting

Devan back if I win this competition?

It's all about having confidence in yourself, Conner.

Well, Edwin doesn't think I have any chance of winning at all.

Not if you look like Kathy Bates.

I just have a problem with the makeup.

I think every gay man has one gay talent.

Some can dance, some can sing, and others know the entire

score to Hello Dolly.

And what's your gay talent?

When you supply the weed you don't need a gay talent.

Well let's just hope my gay talent is doing drag.

There's one big problem though.

Whose gay talent is makeup?

Are you sure this is gonna look good?

It doesn't feel right. It feels like too much.

Oh my God, Angie, would you please shut

the hell up and trust me?

I know what I'm doing.

Right, I mean it just feels like too much blush,

too much eye liner.

I do not wanna look trashy.

I think I know how much eye liner is too much.

I went to beauty school.

Ooo, goody.

- You know what's funny? - Hmm?

I had a dream last night that I was doing the makeup

for a beautiful actress.

It was her film debut.

She told me that she was gonna be a star and that I would be

her personal stylist.

- Nice fantasy.

I suppose until then I'm stuck doing off-Broadway makeup on

an obnoxious has-been.

Obnoxious?

Moi?

At least my asshole closes.

Oh my God, Angie, your face!

[Screaming] What did you do?

Oh, I'm gorgeous. Classic.

Do you think he would do it?

Are you kidding?

Michael lives for that shit.

Alright.

A Rican would make this scene even hotter.

Is that right?

I just got out of work.

Where do you work?

The Westin.

I'm front desk.

Really?

I didn't know that.

Once a year, I get to travel to any Westin in the world

and stay for free for a week.

All I gotta do is present this little card.

I just get to decide on who I want to bring with me.

Would you like a bathing suit?

Can't see my ass in a bathing suit.

White girl! White girl!

[giggling]

[giggling]

Hey, don't jump behind me unless we're in your bed.

Okay, slow down there Edwin.

If I go any slower I'll be a virgin again.

Kevin Oquan at your service.

Oh my God, did you rob Walmart?

Ew.

We robbed Macy's.

My gay talent.

David's not that good at apologizing.

He smashed my car window last year

because I ruined a pair of his jeans.

And he still hasn't said "I'm sorry."

Did you apologize for the jeans?

Like five times!

Then why are you still talking about it?

The point is, I'm sorry for not leaving the club when you

got in that fight with Adora.

Did Matthew put you up to this?

No, I'm here because I heard how awful you are at doing

makeup and I can't allow that.

And I'm here because I think Adora's

a bigger bitch than I am.

Apologies accepted.

And I brought a party favor.

That had better be something that can be smoked.

You know, Conner, I give you credit for competing against

Edwin, and peacocking for Devan.

What the hell is peacocking?

Does no one know what I'm talking about?

Well, peacocks spread their fans, shake their feathers

to get the attention of their possible mate.

And that's what you think I'm going with Devan?

Honey, I saw his ass.

You better shake those feathers.

So are we gonna make this bitch a peacock or what?

That's on you, Michael.

Unpack the bag.

Repack the bowl.

You stay right there.

I'm about to give you titties.

♪♪

[applause]

Alright, alright, to start things off, we give you

the fabulous Lady Peacock!

♪ Dearest buddy, who turned me to putty ♪

♪ I heard that you were going out ♪

♪ With some other broad who was highly flawed ♪

♪ I hope she gives you what you need ♪

♪ Yeah -eah -eah ♪

♪ I wish you well but I have no regrets ♪

♪ About throwing your belongings out ♪

♪ And photoshopping your face out of my Facebook photos ♪

♪ I'm gonna replace you with someone ♪

♪ Who's an awful lot like you ♪

♪ And in case you don't believe me ♪

♪ I've already gone on two dates with people ♪

♪ Who are an awful lot ♪

♪ An awful lot like you ♪

♪ One guy was taller, the other was richer ♪

♪ But they reminded me of you ♪

♪ Yes they reminded me of you ♪

♪ Another day it's the end of May ♪

♪ And summer haze is already underway ♪

♪ We bloomed and blossomed in the Spring ♪

♪ Heard wedding bells ♪

♪ Talked diamond rings ♪

♪ Then I noticed how your eyes would often stray ♪

♪ I wish you well and I don't really care about ♪

♪ The other girls you're checking out ♪

♪ You're just not willing to change ♪

♪ And I still love you ♪

♪ I'm gonna replace you with someone ♪

♪ Who's an awful lot like you ♪

♪ And in case you don't believe me ♪

♪ I've already gone on two dates with people ♪

♪ Who are an awful lot, an awful lot ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ One who was smarter ♪

♪ One who was deeper ♪

♪ But they reminded me of you ♪

♪ They reminded me of you ♪

♪ Now I can't complaining about the times we had ♪

♪ I won't live in the past or dwell in regret ♪

♪ Some times love is a walk in the park ♪

♪ But sometimes it burns like Joan of Arc ♪

♪ I'm gonna replace you with someone ♪

♪ Who's an awful lot like you ♪

♪ And I will never forgive you ♪

♪ For the hell you put me through ♪

♪ Yes there are people that are an awful lot like you ♪

♪ Men who were smarter, men who were richer ♪

♪ But still reminded me of you ♪

♪ Some who were taller ♪

♪ Some who were deeper ♪

♪ But they reminded me of you ♪

♪ Yes, they reminded me of you ♪

[applause]

Alright, alright, you can stop applauding.

God, it's like herding cattle!

Ugh!

What do you think, Lisa?

Ugh!

It's not Lisa with an s,

it's Liza, with a dick!

[laughter]

Hasn't it always been?

Alright ladies and gentlemen,

the competition will proceed as follows.

Each girl will be given 60 seconds to perform,

and every guest here tonight gets to vote.

So make sure you're looking out for outfits, makeup, and

most importantly, performance.

Now the performance aspect is the most important part

because, well you shouldn't judge based on looks cause

there's some really ugly bitches back there.

Well so them's all the rules.

Now get me off this stage cause

it's gonna be a long fucking evening.

Let's just bring out our second lady.

She calls herself, Shadina.

[applause]

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Yeah, uh huh ♪

♪ You climbed your mountain and you finally reached the top ♪

♪ There ain't no stopping you now ♪

♪ You know that you have found it ♪

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ Spread your wings and learn to fly ♪

♪ High up in the sky ♪

♪ You climbed your mountain and you finally reached the top ♪

♪ There ain't no stopping you now ♪

♪ You know that you have found it ♪

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ Spread your wings and learn to fly ♪

♪ High up in the sky ♪

♪ Use your imagination ♪

♪ Simplify the situation ♪

♪ You can make it though ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Never going to win listening to all your friends ♪

♪ What they're telling you ♪

♪ Give it up ♪

♪ Let it out ♪

♪ Go with the flow ♪

♪ That's what they're telling you ♪

♪ When you reach paradise ♪

♪ You won't believe your eyes ♪

♪ Coming to you ♪

♪ You climbed your mountain ♪

♪ And you finally reached the top ♪

♪ There ain't no stopping you ♪

♪ You know that you found love ♪

♪ Stand up, spread your wings and learn to fly ♪

♪ High up in the sky ♪

♪ You climbed your mountain ♪

♪ And you finally reached the top ♪

♪ There ain't no, no, no, you found out ♪

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ Spread your wings and learn to fly high up in the sky ♪

[applause and cheering]

♪ Wake up in the morning and feel like P-Diddy ♪

♪ Walk around the room because it's time to get real pretty ♪

♪ I know I'm fly but I need one thing ♪

♪ I need my lipstick so I can sing ♪

♪ It's a scary world out there ♪

♪ With my lipstick I don't have to be afraid ♪

♪ And when everybody stares ♪

♪ You know I worry about the perfect shade ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, every day-day and night. ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, I wear my lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ Every day-day and night ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, I wear my lipstick, I wear my I wear my ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, every day-day and night. ♪

♪ I work it real good so I can rock it all night ♪

♪ When I walk in the room everybody gets so scared ♪

♪ I know you all do because I get that glare ♪

♪ But let me clarify something to you ♪

♪ Whenever I look good I ain't scared of you ♪

♪ I got red, pink, black, brown, every other color ♪

♪ Looks like you better go call your mother ♪

♪ When you talk about me I just shrug it all off ♪

♪ I shrug it all off ♪

♪ Sticks and stones can break my bones ♪

♪ But never who I am ♪

♪ Never who I am ♪

♪ It's a scary world out there ♪

♪ With my lipstick I don't have to be afraid ♪

♪ And when everybody stares ♪

♪ You know I whip out the perfect shade ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick, I wear my I wear my... ♪

♪ Every day-day and night ♪

♪ Every day-day and night ♪

♪ Now all you haters put on your lipstick ♪

♪ You can't do like me though ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick because I'm going to shine ♪

♪ I rock the red shade because it's all mine ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick because I'm going to shine ♪

♪ I rock that red shade because it's all mine ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick, I wear my lipstick ♪

♪ I wear my lipstick every day-day and night. ♪

♪ Lipstick, I wear my lipstick, I wear my I wear my... ♪

♪ Every day and night ♪

[applause]

Ooof, yummy!

Oh God.

Mmmm.

Okay.

No?

Like that? You like that?

No?

Come on!

Ugh!

So how were the girls tonight?

[clapping & cheering]

God I swear, just the talent these boys got in the tips

of their... Let's just say they've got talent.

So you wanna know who won don't ya?

I, first off, just wanna say thank you.

None of this would've been possible without your

expertise; and secondly, I'd like to thank myself,

'cause God knows I'd rather be in the bathroom doing lines

than under these hot fucking lights.

[laughter]

Uh. There was so much amazing talent tonight.

But there can only be one winner and a ton of losers.

There's actual ways to ...

[laughter]

What the hell did you seal this with?

And finally, can the lesbians in the back of the room

please shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Bring out the broads!

Yeah, don't you dare for one second think that just because

you're a lipstick lesbian, I don't know that you'll get on

your back and have your pussy eaten faster than I can say

The Ellen Show, okay?

Calm yourself down!

Okay?

Alright, and the winner is...

Adora and Lady Peacock!

Oh my God, we have a tie.

Oh my God, I love it!

How exciting.

Great!

That means we gotta be back here next week for a

head-to-head drag off.

Adora and Lady Peacock, wherever you are you better

sharpen those claws cause you're gonna need them.

Excuse me.

Yes dear.

Are you sure it's a tie?

Well if 60 points is the same as 60 points,

then yes it's a tie.

Enjoy the rest of your evening, bitches.

See you all next week.

I'll be in the bathroom, if anyone needs me.

Good night, see ya later.

Hello ladies.

- Congratulations! Oh my God! - Thank you so much.

Oh my God! Congratulations!

Thank you.

- How do you feel? - I feel spectacular.

You look great.

[cursing in Spanish]

Puerca!

- She's a bitch honey. - She's just jealous.

You know what? That's okay, you did great.

- I can't believe it. - Thank you so much.

You know, this is the first time I've ever done this.

You look great. You're a natural.

- So how do you feel? - Amazing.

That's one thing this bitch can't take away from this.

Honey, she is just jealous.

Hey baby, you got a cigarette?

Ah!

Get off of me!

Somebody help!

Ow!

Ah!

Get off me! Stop!

Oh no!

You like beatin' up drag queens, right?

You little bitch!

Hey I don't wanna cause any trouble.

Oh my God!

Is that Lady Peacock?

You really are Rosie the Riveter.

Come on baby. You're all right.

You're okay.

You're okay.

♪♪

Aren't you guys friends with Lady Peacock?

We did the makeup.

Well some guy just beat him up!

Oh my God! Is he okay?

I think so.

I told my husband to drive him home.

He's outside if you wanna see him.

You can stay here and drink your martinis all you want,

but let me give you a little piece of advice.

You might be safe in here.

Outside is a different story.

It could've been any one of us.

We should go see him.

Yeah, okay.

You saved my life.

Nah, you know what?

That's what lesbians are for.

I never got your name.

Ariana.

That's a pretty name.

Listen, you ever have any more trouble,

you give me a call, alright?

Good night, babe.

How many daddies you got, Matthew?

None.

So are we going?

Are you okay?

No, not really.

You look fine.

Oh my God!

It looks like you had sex with Ike Turner.

Stop! [laughs]

Is it really that bad?

No.

The puffiness will go down and you'll be fine.

I have to perform on Saturday.

Well then you better find a way to bring Lady Peacock

to that competition.

Steven, just take me home.

Did something happen to Conner?

Go away, Devan.

I won't be back too late.

But I might need you to close up for me.

Just take the money from the cash registers and put them in

the safe and I'll take care of them in the morning.

No problem honey.

Okay, good night.

One vodka and one whiskey please.

I heard you know Matthew outside of Calais.

I never told Jerry.

You're married, Steven.

We just went to dinner, that's all.

Why?

Forgive me, Conner, but I just turned 53

and a 20 year old found me attractive.

It was pure lust.

I was stupid.

I envy what you have with Jerry.

I thought I almost had it with Devan.

I would've loved for him to be my first.

You're still looking for your first?

No, but it would've been nice.

Yeah.

The toughest thing about being gay

is that there is not gay guidebook.

There should be.

Yeah.

Bet there are about a billion guidebooks on love

and the most proven one of all time,

listen to your own heart.

Do you think he went to the hospital?

I don't know.

I wasn't there.

Well don't you think we should find out?

You do realize that if he got hurt,

I might just win by default?

Is winning all you're concerned about?

Are we gonna talk about Conner all night?

No.

Good, because I'm getting tired of

you pushing away my advances.

Well get used to it cause nothing's gonna

happen tonight either.

Are you serious?

This is why we're here, Devan.

I, I don't see the big deal.

It's just sex.

Not a big deal?

It is too a big deal.

I don't want my first time to be with just anybody and I

certainly don't want it to be with somebody who's

going to insist I give it to them.

I'm not insisting.

You can trust me.

You know,

you're not the person I wanna be doing this with.

So you're just gonna go run off to Conner?

With his face all smashed in...

I thought you said you weren't there.

Come on Conner, pick up your phone.

Closed.

Michael, do you know where Conner went?

Where's Conner?

He's with Matthew.

Do you have Matthew's phone number?

What do you need it for?

I need to talk to him. It's very important.

Thanks.

Matthew, it's Devan.

Is Conner okay?

Well Edwin said that...

I'm at Calais.

Matthew's on his way.

So you're the famous Devan?

Why are you suddenly so concerned about Conner?

I thought Edwin was your boyfriend.

Edwin say Conner get beat up and he didn't do anything about it.

He was there?

Yeah.

Is Conner okay?

You know, none of this is would've happened if you

didn't go home with Edwin in the first place.

I needed a ride home, and I would've gotten one if Conner

hadn't walked off into the woods.

Please, Conner went into the woods and saw some chubby,

hairy, guy give head to a short, bald guy

and decided to go home alone.

Edwin said Conner has been with a ton of guys.

Far from it.

If he said that, it's only because he doesn't

want you to be with Conner.

Edwin doesn't like you.

To him, it's all the competition.

You're the prize.

Well then I'm gonna break the lock on Edwin's locker

and destroy his entire outfit.

No, I have a better idea.

Oh my God, I have the most amazing idea in the world!

This is what we're gonna do. [whispering]

Dress him just like Lady Peacock.

Money makes the world go round.

The world go round. The world go round. The world go round.

What the fuck? Oh God!

What the fuck! Oh God!

Oh God! Oh God! [crying]

Hello?

Great Aunt Patricia, this really isn't a good time to talk.

You sent him the naked picture?

No.

I'm gonna have to call you back later.

I really don't wanna be here.

You have to.

No I don't.

Look, look, we'll stay in the back.

No one will see us.

We'll wait until they introduce you and then we'll

bring you out and explain everything to the judges.

[applause]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to

Dollar Drink Night.

How you all doin'?

Ugh!

And the drag off competition which is brought to you by

Butter Lube. Goes best on your buns

after they've been warmed up.

So how is everyone tonight?

This place is fuckin' packed!

I haven't seen this many queers since like...

Judy Garland, London Palladium.

November 8, 1964.

Ah yes.

Thank you Liza.

So let's give a nice, warm, welcome once again to our

wonderful judges.

Judges, how ya doin'?

I'm good as long as we can avoid playing Mariah Carey;

I think we'll be alright.

I'll check with the DJ.

Judge number two, how are you doing?

I had a very nice sexual encounter this evening

in the woods!

That's nice, that's great.

Liza, do I dare ask how you're doing?

I took a happy pill! [laughter]

So for all you pole smokers who were not here last week,

we ended in a tie, and tonight we're gonna break that tie and

we are gonna crown the new Miss Calais.

So let's bring back once again, all the way from

Raleigh, North Carolina,

Miss Adora, and local girl, Lady Peacock.

[applause]

Where is Lady Peacock?

Was she not in her dressing room getting ready?

I don't know.

I came by myself.

Okay tonight we seem to have a problem ladies and gentlemen.

Adora has entered the stage and Lady Peacock is...

making a fabulous entrance!

God!

You?!

This isn't Lady Peacock.

I'm sorry?

This is my boyfriend Devan.

I'm not your boyfriend.

Huh?

Conner is Lady Peacock. This is Devan.

Well I just may be a bitch with a microphone,

but if the boy if the boy says he's Lady Peacock...

You guys all know me.

I can tell you that I have met the guy who plays Lady Peacock

and I can assure you, that gentleman is here tonight.

On this stage stands Adora and Lady Peacock.

They are the only two finalists competing

for the crown tonight.

So without further ado, let the drag off begin!

Well what are we waiting for?

You're waiting for me, honey.

Judges, are we ready?

[burping]

You're better off without me,  mein herr.

Faggots, are we ready?

Well I put on my best wig tonight.

So I know that I am ready.

We're about to take our two remaining contestants and put

them into the final showdown.

Who will remain standing?

Which bitch has what it takes?

And which bitch will forget her words?

I know I wanna know the answers to all those questions.

So put your hands together and let the drag off begin!

♪ We, we, we wanna be famous ♪

♪ Straight to the top's where we wanna go ♪

♪ We're sexy and we're rock star beautiful ♪

♪ Yeah we're growing up thought ya'd wanna know ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ If you hate ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Won't stop doin' it ladies ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ Yeah we wanna be famous ♪

♪ Famous. Famous ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ Come get a G6 ♪

♪ I like G7s, baby ♪

♪ I'm where the stars at cruisin' in my new Mercedes ♪

♪ I see my name in lights ♪

♪ Li-li-li-life is good ♪

♪ I'm finally famous right? ♪

♪ Kickin' it back in Hollywood ♪

♪ Cameras following me, paparazzi ♪

♪ This is show biz ♪

♪ You should know this ♪

♪ People wanna see me at The Roxy ♪

♪ Yeah this is show biz and it goes like this ♪

♪ Straight to the top's where we wanna go ♪

♪ We're sexy and we're rock star beautiful ♪

♪ Yeah we're blowin' up ♪

♪ Thought you'd wanna know ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ If you hate, get out the way ♪

♪ Won't stop till we're celebrities ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ Yeah we wanna be famous ♪

♪ Famous ♪

♪♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ LA to the Bahamas ♪

♪ Why we just like Madonna ♪

♪ The fame, I gotta have it ♪

♪ Wanna hot boyfriend like Brad Pitt ♪

♪ The top is where we're goin' ♪

♪ But not like Lindsay Lohan ♪

♪ All night I'm LMFAO-in' ♪

♪ I'm sexy and I know it ♪

♪ They're always followin' me, paparazzi ♪

♪ This is show biz ♪

♪ You should know this ♪

♪ The people wanna see me, at The Roxy ♪

♪ Yeah this is showbiz and it goes like this ♪

♪ Hi Rachael, this is Steve from Superstar Records ♪

♪ We wanna sign you ♪

♪ Straight to the top's where we wanna go ♪

♪ We're sexy and we're rock star beautiful ♪

♪ Yeah we're blowin' up, thought you'd wanna know ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ If you hate ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Won't stop till we're celebrities ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ Yeah we wanna be famous ♪

♪ Famous ♪

♪♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

♪ We wanna be famous ♪

[applause]

They were on fire!

Ladies, stay on stage.

Stay on stage.

Okay, so this is our first ever head to head drag off

competition and let me just congratulate both of you by

saying you are absolutely wonderful

and you both deserve the crown.

Ooo.

Oh God, you are just so damn fine!

I'm so excited.

Are you excited?

[cheers]

Alright, the winner of Miss Calais

is...

Adora!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Oh oh oh, wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

I fucked up.

The winner is not Adora.

The winner is Lady Peacock!

[applause]

Sorry.

Lady Peacock you are the winner.

Lady Peacock is Miss Calais!

Okay, this is bullshit.

I mean, whatever bitch.

Waste my time.

You know what? Waste my motherfuckin'...

You think I'm a fuckin' dancing monkey?

I'm a real bitch!

Shit!

Oh my God. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, where'd she go?

She has to say her speech!

Ugh!

I did Lady Peacock's makeup artist!

And his boyfriend.

I can't believe you did that for me tonight.

That was amazing!

Well you said you wanted Edwin to lose.

What I wanted was you.

So you're relationship with him is over, right?

I was never in a relationship.

I can never date someone who doesn't

get out of his dress.

Then what now?

Oh well, I need a vacation

and the problem is I can only choose one person,

and I still haven't figured out who that should be.

Well, you should know,

I've never been with a woman before.

Well I've never been a woman before.

I just don't want to rush you into

anything that you're not ready for.

I just wanted to be sure it was with the right person.

Well lucky for you.

You're about to find out what my gay talent is.

Where's my other bag, Hector?

What other bag?

Oh my God, I had two fucking bags!

Did you not bring the other one?

I brought whatever bag you told me to bring.

The other bag has the rest of my clothes in it.

You're such a fucking idiot!

Ha! Mira! You lost puta!

Get over it!

Just like that.

Is this right?

- Uh huh. - Are you sure?

Yeah. Twist it.

Uh huh.

Don't touch me.

No no no. I hate that. I hate that. [laughing]

[laughing]

♪♪