La Cage aux Folles II (1980) - full transcript
Sequel to La Cage aux folles has homosexual nightclub owner Renato and his transvesitite companion/lover Albin becoming involved with the local cops and foreign spies when Albin unwittingly gets his hands on a role of stolen microfilm. The gay couple then hide out in Renato's native Italy, but find little peace there with their frequent bickering among themselves.
* LOOK AT MY BODY
* IT'S WAITING FOR YOU
* FOLLOW MY EYES
* YES, THEY'RE
BURNING YOU THROUGH *
* DARLING,
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU *
* SO TAKE ME
IN YOUR ARMS *
* MY BODY'S ACHING
* NOW, COME CLOSER TO ME
I WAS MORE SENSUAL THIS TIME.
BETTER, ISN'T IT?
IF YOU SAY SO.
AND HOW ABOUT MY FIGURE?
NOW THAT I'VE CUT OUT BREAD,
I LOOK BETTER, DON'T I?
YOU'RE MARVELOUS,
BUT I WAS JUST THINKING.
WHAT?
YOU'VE GOT THE WHOLE SHOW
ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
IF YOU DO MARLENE, YOU
WON'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.
I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
BEFORE THE FINALE.
IF SOMETHING'S WRONG,
JUST SAY SO.
NO, NOTHING'S WRONG.
I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN FEELING WELL.
AND TO DO THE MARLENE NUMBER
SEEMS UNWISE.
YES, BUT, RENATO,
WE NEED SOMETHING ROMANTIC.
THE COMEDY ROUTINES ARE FINE,
BUT PEOPLE NEED TO DREAM.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO GIVE THEM:
BEAUTY, EMOTION, SENSUALITY.
AND IF I KILL MYSELF
DOING IT, TOO BAD.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
I'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
LOOK, I HAVE AN IDEA.
CARAMEL?
* DARLING,
JUST LOOK AT ME, NOW *
* I CAN SEE YOU'RE MINE
* YOU FELL IN LOVE...
DO YOU MIND?
THAT'S MY STOOL!
* YES, SO MANY TIMES
WHAT IS THIS FOOLISHNESS?
ALBIN.
* STILL THE ONE, NOW
* I CAN SEE YOUR SMILE
LISTEN TO ME.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION
OF ARTISTIC PREFERENCE.
YOU'RE UNIQUE,
IRREPLACEABLE,
THE STAR OF THE SHOW.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE
THINGS EASIER FOR YOU.
GIVE YOU A LITTLE TIME
TO YOURSELF.
STOP!
BOYS, GIVE ME A SECOND.
LOOK AT THE NEW STAR.
THERE SHE IS!
AH, HA HA, AH HA!
THE NEW MARLENE.
AND WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THIS?
THE BOSS--RENATO!
3 CHEERS FOR THE BOSS,
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
OH, BRAVO, DARLING.
VERY GOOD. A REAL BITCH.
LOTS OF LUCK.
AND HE CAN DO THE REST
OF THE SHOW, TOO.
ALBIN.
ALBIN, ARE YOU
LISTENING TO ME?
ALBIN, WE'RE
PAST OUR PRIME,
AND WE CAN'T DO
A THING ABOUT IT.
THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN ONE MUST CHANGE,
PLAY IT FOR THE LAUGHS.
IT'S NOT A CATASTROPHE.
C'EST LA VIE.
YOU CAN'T GO ON BEING
WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN.
AT FIRST
YOU MAKE PEOPLE DREAM,
THEN YOU MAKE PEOPLE
LAUGH.
I MAKE YOU LAUGH?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
NO, I'M NOT RIDICULOUS.
I CAN STILL AROUSE DESIRE.
OF COURSE. GO TO BED.
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME TEA.
YOU KNOW, RENATO,
IF I'M NO LONGER
ATTRACTIVE,
I'LL KILL MYSELF.
DARJEELING OR JASMINE?
IS MONSIE AWAKE?
SHE'S HAD BREAKFAST
AND IS GETTING DRESSED.
JACOB, I'VE TOLD YOU TO SAY,
"MONSIEUR HAS HAD BREAKFAST,"
OR "H IS GETTING DRESSED."
UNDERSTAND?
HELLO, MY DEARS.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
LIKE THAT?
OUT.
DRESSED LIKE THAT?
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
YOU BURIED ME A LITTLE
TOO SOON, RENATO.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A DRINK
AT A CAFé ON THE PATIO
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
WE'LL SOON SEE
IF I'M STILL SEDUCTIVE.
CIAO, BABY.
HA HA!
CRÈME DE MENTHE.
YES, MA'AM.
WITH WATER.
YES, MA'AM.
HA HA HA.
ALBIN, PLEASE.
COME HOME.
DON'T BE STUBBORN.
GO AWAY!
BE REASONABLE.
COME ON,
LET'S GO HOME.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
COME ON.
NO, LATER.
LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING
TO DRINK?
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DRIVE AWAY.
WHERE TO, LOVE BIRDS?
TO THE RIGHT.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
TO THE LEFT.
I MUSTN'T GET HOME LATE.
I HAVE A DANCE CLASS
AT 6:00.
TO THE RIGHT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS?
STOP!
Albin: AAH!
BUT...
HEH HEH.
AH! BACK AGAIN.
HA HA HA!
REALLY, YOU DON'T SEEM
TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
A ROOM.
A ROOM?
ARE YOU CRAZY?!
RENATO!
COME ON, HONEY, LET'S GO.
THAT'LL TEACH HIM A LESSON.
HI, THERE.
I KNOW YOU'RE GOING
TO BE DISAPPOINTED,
BUT I DIDN'T COME UP HERE
FOR WHAT YOU THINK.
I JUST WANTED TO PROVE
A POINT TO A FRIEND.
WELL, THE POINT IS MADE.
I MUST RUN ALONG.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
IF I LED YOU ON.
I'M NOT THAT TYPE.
I HOPE WE CAN BE
GOOD FRIENDS.
I WAS DELIGHTED
TO MEET YOU.
I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN.
PLEASE ACCEPT
MY BEST REGARDS.
BE REASONABLE.
I HAVE MY LIFE,
AND SURELY YOU HAVE YOURS.
WE MUST BE STRONG.
THAT'S BETTER.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO
UNDERSTANDING, YOU YOUNG HUNK.
IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
BELIEVE ME, IT WOULDN'T
HAVE LED ANYWHERE.
AND THERE'S
THE AGE DIFFERENCE.
I'M 2 OR 3 YEARS
OLDER THAN YOU.
IT'S NOT
A BIG DIFFERENCE NOW,
BUT IN 10 YEARS...
GIVE ME A SMILE.
I'M SAD, TOO.
Renato: ALBIN!
AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU PICKED UP?
LISTEN TO ME.
HE'S IN FOR A HELL
OF A SURPRISE.
SHUT UP!
BECAUSE THIS "LADY"
IS ACTUALLY A MAN.
WELL, YOU'VE KILLED HIM.
MY PET, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
SAY SOMETHING!
HE'S DEAD.
THE POLICE!
WE'VE GOT TO CALL
THE POLICE!
NO POLICE! WE'RE DEFINITELY
NOT CALLING THE POLICE.
WHY SHOULDN'T I?
LISTEN TO ME.
YOU CALL THE POLICE,
AND WHAT WILL THEY FIND?
AN UNMARRIED COUPLE.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
A COUPLE WHERE THE WOMAN
IS ACTUALLY A MAN...
THAT COULD POSE
A PROBLEM.
BUT WHERE
THE WOMAN IS A MAN
AND THE MAN
IS A CORPSE...
THAT IS
A 4-LETTER MESS!
AAH!
QUIET!
OH, MY GOD.
WE'VE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE, RENATO.
THE ROOM
WITH THE BALCONY?
NUMBER 24.
WHO'S IN IT?
A FAT REDHEAD
AND A GUY ABOUT 25.
AAH!
GOD, I LOOK AWFUL.
ALBIN.
OHH!
WHO IS IT?
READ THIS.
ARE YOU CRAZY,
WAKING ME UP LIKE THIS?
READ THIS!
HMM? WHAT?
TAKE OUT YOUR EAR PLUGS.
YOUR GLASSES.
THANKS.
"DOUBLE MURDER
IN A HOTEL IN NICE.
A MYSTERIOUS WOMAN FLEES,
LEAVING 2 CORPSES."
I WASN'T DREAMING?
IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE, THEN.
MY GOD, HOW AWFUL.
READ THE ARTICLE.
GO ON, READ IT.
"IT'S 1 P.M.
AT THE HOTEL DE LYS,
ONE OF THOSE PLACES WHICH
RENTS ROOMS BY THE HOUR."
WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
KEEP READING.
"A COUPLE APPEARS
AT THE RECEPTION DESK.
"A MAN ABOUT 30
WITH A WOMAN OLD ENOUGH
TO BE HIS MOTHER."
WHO IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
"THE CLERK DESCRIBES HER
AS A FA--"
"AS A FAT...
A FAT REDHEAD..."
"ABOUT 60 YEARS OLD."
RATHER VULGAR.
I'D LIKE TO GO BACK
TO SLEEP NOW.
YOU'LL SLEEP FOR 20 YEARS
ACTING THIS WAY!
"THE WOMAN WAS WEARING A SILK
PANTSUIT WITH A FLORAL PATTERN."
THIS WILL BRING YOU 20 YEARS,
AND THAT'S IF YOU'RE LUCKY.
LOOK, THERE'S EVEN
A POLICE COMPOSITE.
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME?
LOOK AT ME.
I'VE LOST 6 POUNDS.
I HARDLY EAT ANYTHING.
I'M ALL SKIN AND BONES.
JACOB.
OH. JACOB.
YES?
TAKE A LOOK AT NICE MATIN.
IT'S ON THE BED.
LEAVE THAT ALONE.
GO ON, LOOK AT THE PHOTO
ON THE FRONT PAGE.
HA HA HA!
OH, MISTRESS!
HA HA HA HA!
OUT.
WHAT?
GO BACK UP YOUR
COCONUT TREE, YOU IDIOT!
20 YEARS!
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?
NO, NO! I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD!
YOUR ESCAPADES
DON'T INTEREST ME.
IF YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES
INTO A MESS,
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOUR SON MAY BE MARRIED
TO MY DAUGHTER,
BUTSTILL BELONG
TO 2 DIFFERENT WORLDS.
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK OF YOURS!
BESIDES, I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY ELECTORAL CAMPAIGN.
AND YOUR PRESENCE
IS A CONSTANT MENACE.
A CONSTANT MENACE!
I'M SORRY TO HAVE
TO BE SO BRUTAL.
PLEASE LEAVE MY OFFICE
AT ONCE!
Renato: NO CHOCOLATE.
IT'S NO GOOD FOR YOU,
AND IT WON'T SOLVE ANYTHING.
THAT CHARRIER
IS A REAL BASTARD.
I WAS STUPID TO ASK HIM.
A POLITICIAN CAN'T DIRTY
HIS HANDS WITH THE LIKES OF US.
WE'LL HAVE
TO HANDLE IT OURSELVES.
GIVE ME A CHOCOLATE.
NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SINCE THE POLICE
ARE LOOKING FOR A WOMAN,
THE ONLY SOLUTION
IS TO GET RID OF HER.
YOU MUST NEVER AGAIN
DRESS LIKE A WOMAN. NEVER!
IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.
STOP CRYING.
IT'S NOT SUCH A TRAGEDY.
THE WORLD IS FULL OF MEN
DRESSED LIKE MEN.
DON'T CRY.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M JUST SO UPSET.
DON'T OVERDO IT.
WELL, OF COURSE,
YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S BEYOND YOU.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN I STARTED OUT,
I DIDN'T EVEN
OWN A GARTER BELT.
ALL I HAD
WAS A LITTLE SKIRT,
BORROWED FROM MY SISTER.
I'VE HAD TO WORK HARD
TO GET ALL THIS.
BUT THEN,
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
NO MAN HAS WORKED AS HARD
TO BUY HIMSELF DRESSES.
NOT A ONE!
IT'S INCREDIBLE!
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO FOOLISH,
THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
WHEN YOU TELL A GUY
THAT HE CAN NO LONGER
ATTRACT OTHER MEN,
YOU DRIVE HIM
TO DESPAIR.
THAT'S HOW IT IS, MADAME.
IT'S REALLY YOUR FAULT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT DRESS?
WE HAVE
TO BURN IT.
I ONLY WORE IT ONCE!
IT'S THE EVIDENCE.
Albin: A PART OF ME
IS BURNING, RENATO.
MY YOUTH...
IS GOING UP IN SMOKE.
BE BRAVE, ALBIN,
BE BRAVE.
A PAGE HAS BEEN TURNED.
ALL THAT WAS GRACEFUL,
FRAGILE...
DELICATE IN ME...
HAS TURNED TO ASHES.
I HAVE BECOME A MAN, RENATO.
WHO'S GOING TO REPLACE ME?
WHAT?
IN THE SHOW.
YOU WANT US TO GET
SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU?
WHY?
LOOK, YOU TOLD ME NOT
TO DRESS LIKE A WOMAN ANYMORE.
BUT LET ME POINT OUT
THAT IN THE SHOW,
I AM RARELY...
DRESSED LIKE A MAN.
SHIT!
EXACTLY!
FOR THE SHOW
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT?
IN YOUR WIG AND COSTUME,
I DOUBT THAT ANYONE
WILL RECOGNIZE YOU.
YOU'RE AFRAID BUSINESS
WILL DROP OFF.
ME? IT DIDN'T EVEN
CROSS MY MIND.
LIAR!
YOU'D SEND ME
OFF TO WAR
JUST TO SAVE
A FEW BUCKS.
DO YOU PREFER TO END UP
AT THE SALVATION ARMY
OR UNDER A BRIDGE
LIKE AN OLD BUM?
CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT YOU'LL LOOK LIKE THEN?
I CAN ALREADY PICTURE YOU
IN THE GUTTER.
OK, I'LL REPLACE YOU.
HA! MAMA!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
IT'S ME, IDIOT!
"MAMA" IS GONNA
GIVE YOU A SPANKING
IF YOU KEEP THIS UP.
Announcer: AND HERE SHE IS...
THE QUEEN OF SEX APPEAL,
THE UNFORGETTABLE BLUE ANGEL,
THE DIVINE MARLENE!
OH, NO.
IT SEEMS TO BE
WORKING.
IT'S NOT SO BAD,
REALLY.
* AND DRIVE YOU SO INSANE
* WITH MY SWEET CARESS
* LOOK AT MY BODY
* IT'S WAITING FOR YOU
* FOLLOW MY EYES, YES
* BURNING YOU THROUGH
* DARLING,
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU *
* SO, I WILL BE THERE
* COME CLOSER TO ME
BRAVO! A REAL SUCCESS.
THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA.
BEHIND THE PILLAR THERE!
IT'S ONE OF THE MEN
WE SAW AT THE HOTEL.
YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS.
GO TAKE A BOW.
I'LL NEVER DRESS
LIKE A WOMAN AGAIN!
LOOK, I'M STILL SHAKING.
PROTECT ME, RENATO!
I'VE GOT TO HIDE!
THEY'RE GOING TO FIND ME.
I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO JAIL, RENATO!
ISN'T THAT A BIT FEMININE?
FEMININE?
THEY'RE
CARPENTER'S PANTS.
BUT VELVET FOR A MAN,
IT COULD SUGGEST...
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
MORE...CRUDE?
CRUDE?
FAGGOT!
IS THAT HE?
WHO? ZAZA NAPOLI?
DON'T BE SILLY!
ARE YOU KIDDING?
WHO IS IT?
WHO IS IT?
IT'S MAURICE.
THE WINDOW WASHER.
OH, MAURICE.
HOW ARE YOU, MAURICE?
FINE, MR. BALDI.
GOOD.
HOW'S THE FAMILY?
DO YOU KNOW
HOW MANY KIDS HE HAS?
GUESS.
HOW MANY?
8.
AND HIS WIFE
IS EXPECTING ANOTHER.
RIGHT, MAURICE?
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT
WE HAVEN'T BEEN TRYING.
OUCH, THAT HURTS!
DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
GET TO WORK.
WHERE SHOULD I START?
HERE, OR THERE?
WHEREVER.
IT'S YOUR WORK.
OK, OK.
SO HE JUST DISAPPEARED?
LIKE I TOLD YOU, LAST NIGHT
AT DINNER, WE QUARRELED.
WE BEGAN TO SHOUT.
AND HE THREW A PLATE AT ME.
THEN HE GOT UP AND LEFT,
SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM!
DON'T LIE TO US,
MR. BALDI.
I'M NOT LYING. IF I KNEW
WHERE HE WAS, I'D TELL YOU.
LIKE I SAID,
WE'VE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS.
THAT HAPPENS
TO COUPLES, RIGHT?
YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT DOES HAPPEN.
MAURICE, THE WINDOWS.
HEY, WHAT AM I?
A WORK HORSE?
I CUT MYSELF!
I'M BLEEDING.
I'M BLEEDING. LOOK.
HA HA HA HA!
OH, MISTRESS!
HA HA HA!
GET OUT OF HERE. HURRY
AND GET THE FIRST AID KIT.
I'M INNOCENT. I SWEAR
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
DON'T SEND ME TO PRISON,
I BEG YOU, INSPECTOR.
THEY'RE NOT
FROM THE POLICE.
THEY'RE
SECRET AGENTS.
DID THE GUY WHO LURED YOU
TO THE HOTEL GIVE YOU ANYTHING?
WHAT?
A SMALL CAPSULE?
A CAPSULE?
HE WAS A FOREIGN AGENT
WHO HAD COME OVER TO OUR SIDE.
HE WAS ABOUT TO GIVE US
A MICROFILM.
OH, MY GOD.
SHOW ME YOUR HAND.
I HAVE 5 FINGERS
LIKE EVERYONE.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE,
YOU NINNY.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US,
MOUGEOTTE.
HELP YOU? DO WHAT?
BRING THEM INTO THE OPEN.
THEY OBVIOUSLY THINK
YOU HAVE THE MICROFILM.
YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM
ON YOUR TRACK.
HOW?
SO YOU'RE GOING TO DRESS
LIKE A WOMAN AGAIN,
IN THE SAME WIG,
AND SHOW YOURSELF
AROUND TOWN.
THAT'LL BRING THEM
INTO THE OPEN.
NO.
NOT A CHANCE.
ALBIN CAN'T DO
SUCH A THING.
SHALL I CALL
THE POLICE?
NO.
YOU CAN TELL THEM
WHY YOU WERE
IN A HOTEL ROOM
WITH 2 CORPSES.
LIFE IS FUNNY.
FOR YEARS I'VE HAD
PROBLEMS WITH THE POLICE
FOR DRESSING LIKE A WOMAN.
AND WHEN I DECIDE TO START
DRESSING LIKE A MAN,
THE POLICE INSIST
I DRESS LIKE A WOMAN.
THE ABSURDITY OF THINGS.
HURRY. THEY'LL
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
RENATO...
ARE CYANIDE DARTS
VERY PAINFUL?
WHAT AN IDEA!
DON'T BE SILLY.
EVERYTHING
WILL BE FINE.
YOU THINK SO?
I'M POSITIVE.
IS SHE READY?
ALMOST.
I'M GOING WITH HIM.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD
LET HIM GO ALONE.
THIS COULD BE MY LAST.
LET'S GO.
EH, MONSIEUR MOUGEOTTE.
YOUR HAIR WASN'T
LIKE THAT BEFORE.
THIS IS A LITTLE
MORE FORMAL.
WE WANT THEM
TO RECOGNIZE YOU.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
IS HE CRAZY?
JUST LOOK AT THAT.
SO, BROCA, YOU DON'T
LIKE ME LIKE THIS?
MR. BROCA,
WHERE ARE WE OFF TO?
A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
VERY CHIC.
ALL THE PRESS
WILL BE THERE.
THIS ISN'T DRESSY ENOUGH.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE NOTHING
I GOT ON SALE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.
I'D HAVE WORN--I DON'T KNOW.
YOU LOOK FINE.
THE MAIN THING IS
TO ATTRACT ATTENTION.
AND WE'LL SEE TO THAT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MR. MANDERSTAM.
MR. DEPUTY.
Albin:
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.
WHAT KIND
OF CAKE IS IT?
MERINGUE.
OH, MERINGUE.
YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO GET IN THERE,
DO YOU?
DON'T WORRY,
YOU'LL STILL BE PAID.
YOU CAN GO HOME NOW.
A MERINGUE!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
IT'S NOT EVEN MY SIZE.
NO, IT'S NOT MY SIZE.
GET IN.
TAKE MY BAG AND GLOVES.
WHAT AN ADVENTURE!
I'M AFRAID.
RENATO...
DON'T LEAVE ME.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
I'LL SUFFOCATE IN THERE!
I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK.
BESIDES, I'M A DIABETIC.
NOBODY'S ASKING YOU
TO EAT IT!
I WON'T GET ENOUGH AIR
IN THERE!
COULDN'T WE LEAVE
THE TOP OFF?
NO. NO.
MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
THE TIME HAS COME FOR US
TO TELL OUR FRIEND
ANDREW MANDERSTAM...
ALL THE ROTTEN THINGS
WE THINK ABOUT HIM.
MR. MANDERSTAM
IS THAT AMERICAN CHAP
WHO SETTLED IN FRANCE
SOME 15 YEARS AGO
HERE IN THIS TOWN,
OF WHICH I AM THE DEPUTY.
HE HAS FOUND
2 MEANS OF
ATTRACTING ATTENTION:
HIS GENEROSITY
AND HIS KINDNESS.
LET'S GO!
Albin:
ARE YOU THERE, RENATO?
YES, I'M HERE.
EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.
ALBIN, YOU NEED
TO GO BACK ON A DIET.
Albin: THAT'S A NICE THING
TO SAY IN FRONT OF THE CHEFS!
ALBIN, IT'S CHARRIER!
Albin: OH, MY GOD!
MY SON'S FATHER-IN-LAW
IS CHARRIER, THE DEPUTY.
WE PROMISED HIM
WE'D NEVER
SHOW OUR FACES
IN FRONT OF HIM.
SHH.
HE'S IN THE MIDDLE
OF HIS CAMPAIGN.
WE'LL RUIN
HIS CAREER!
MY DEAR ANDREW,
OUR ENTIRE TOWN
WISHES YOU TODAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OUR TOWN WANTED TO GIVE
A BIRTHDAY PARTY
AMERICAN STYLE
TO ITS AMERICAN
BENEFACTOR.
A LITTLE TECHNICAL PROBLEM,
IT SEEMS.
USUALLY, THERE'S--
THERE'S A SURPRISE IN THERE.
IT SEEMS OUR "SURPRISE"
DIDN'T HEAR THE ORCHESTRA.
THE "SURPRISE."
MY DEAR ANDREW,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
HEH HEH HEH.
IT SEEMS OUR "SURPRISE"
HAS FALLEN ASLEEP.
WE'RE READY, MISS!
MAYBE SHE CAN'T HEAR
WITH ALL THAT CREAM.
IT'S SUCH A RICH CAKE.
HA HA HA HA.
I'VE NEVER GONE TO THE RESCUE
OF A CAKE BEFORE!
NO ONE'S THERE!
SHE'S NOT THERE.
AAAH!
Jacob: POOR MISTRESS.
SHE'S GOING TO DIE.
SHE'S GOING TO DIE!
WOULD YOU SHUT UP,
JACOB?
JACOB,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!
HELLO? SORRY,
I CAN'T HEAR A THING.
COULD YOU COME
RIGHT OVER?
IT'S AN EMERGENCY,
DOCTOR.
THIS WAY, DOCTOR.
HE JUST FELL ASLEEP.
HE HAD A TERRIBLE SHOCK
YESTERDAY.
HE'S VERY SICK.
ALBIN?
THE DOCTOR'S HERE.
YOU'D BETTER TAKE
HIS BLOOD PRESSURE.
AND GIVE HIM SOMETHING
FOR HIS HEART.
I'M SO AFRAID
HE MIGHT LET HIMSELF DIE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
STOP CRYING.
IT'S ANNOYING.
POOR MISTRESS.
SHE WAS SO NICE.
SHE'S NOT DEAD YET.
GO DO THE SHOPPING.
WHAT A PAIN!
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU REALLY DID A GREAT JOB!
HIS PHOTO'S
IN EVERY NEWSPAPER.
THE DOCTOR IS WITH HIM.
I HOPE HE'LL BE ABLE
TO PULL HIM THROUGH.
THE MICROFILM.
THE MICROFILM.
IS THAT YOU?
IS THAT YOU, RENATO?
IS THAT YOU, HONEY?
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT?
NOTHING. AN INJECTION.
ALBIN HATES INJECTIONS.
AAAH!
THE MICROFILM.
I'LL KNOCK HIM
BACK INTO SHAPE!
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
LET ME THROUGH.
NO. IT'S OUR BEDROOM.
HE'S WITH THE DOCTOR.
LEAVE HIM ALONE, DAMN IT!
YOU'RE BEGINNING
TO BUG ME!
WHO LOCKED THE DOOR?
NO.
Albin: NO, NOT THAT.
"WHEN ONE IS PRESIDENT OF
THE UNION FOR MORAL ORDER,
"ONE TRIES TO PLAY DOWN ANY TIES
WITH LA CAGE AUX FOLLES.
"BY PUTTING A TRANSVESTITE
"IN MR. MANDERSTAM'S
BIRTHDAY CAKE,
"CHARRIER ADDED INDECENCY
TO THE RIDICULOUS.
THE VOTERS
WILL PASS JUDGMENT"
THAT, GENTLEMEN, IS HOW
YOU CONDEMN A MAN TO DEATH.
AN ARTICLE LIKE THAT
IS THE COUP DE GRÖCE!
WE'LL MAKE THE BASTARD
EAT HIS NEWSPAPER!
NO. NO, GENTLEMEN,
THE JOURNALISTS
AREN'T THE GUILTY ONES.
THE GUILTY ONES
ARE THOSE 2 PEOPLE
WHO ARE BRINGING DISHONOR
TO THE RIVIERA WITH
THEIR FILTHY NIGHTCLUB!
THAT DEPRAVED ITALIAN
AND THAT FRENCHMAN WHO IS
AN AFFRONT TO HIS RACE.
THOSE TWO--THEY
ARE THE GUILTY ONES!
WE'LL BUST
THEIR FACES IN!
WE'LL TEACH THOSE FAGGOTS
THE FACTS OF LIFE!
EXCUSE ME.
CAN WE GET THE RUG BACK?
WE'LL HAVE IT CLEANED,
THEN SEND IT BACK AS USUAL.
Albin: I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
ALL THESE CORPSES.
S.O.S. MEDICAL.
I'M DR. BOQUILLON.
OH, MICHAUX.
Michaux: YES?
THERE'S GONNA BE
ANOTHER TRIP.
OK.
DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER RUG?
NO, NO MORE RUGS!
DO YOUR DIRTY WORK
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Albin: WOULD YOU
TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE?
WHAT?
I WANT YOU
TO TAKE ME HOME NOW.
BUT YOU ARE HOME,
DARLING.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
OUR LIVING ROOM?
LOOK AT WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO HIM!
IF YOU KEEP THIS UP,
THE NEXT RUG
WILL BE FOR HIM!
HE HAS NOTHING TO FEAR.
WE'RE GOING
TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
FROM NOW ON,
WE DON'T LEAVE HIS SIDE.
WE'LL PROTECT HIM, DISCREETLY,
UNTIL THE GUYS SHOW THEMSELVES.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND, MEN?
CLOSE SURVEILLANCE,
BUT DISCREET.
YOU THINK
THAT'S DISCREET?
DON'T PAY ATTENTION
TO US. GO ON.
AAH! OOH!
SO MUCH FOR
DISCRETION.
IT'S A NATURAL
REFLEX.
TO GET THEM
OUT IN THE OPEN,
YOU'LL HAVE TO CHANGE
YOUR TACTICS.
NO, THAT'S NOT HIM.
LET'S TRY SOMETHING ELSE.
THE MAUVE, PERHAPS.
NO, I WON'T WEAR THAT.
DON'T ARGUE, MICHAUX!
SHUT UP!
WHAT ABOUT THE ONE
WITH THE MOUSTACHE?
I SEE HIM IN MY CAFTAN.
HE LOOKS LIKE A TURK.
HA HA! A TURK!
AND THE YOUNG ONE THERE,
HE'S LIKE ME.
HE CAN WEAR ANYTHING.
CUTE, ISN'T HE?
NOT REALLY.
COME ON, COME ON.
STOP, STOP, NO.
NO, THAT'LL NEVER DO!
YOU NEED
TO MAKE AN EFFORT
TO BE WORTHY
OF THESE CLOTHES.
PRETEND YOU'RE
WALKING A TIGHTROPE.
AND YOU, YOU WALK LIKE THIS.
IT'S UNATTRACTIVE.
LISTEN TO ME.
DRAW AN IMAGINARY LINE,
A LINE THAT SEPARATES
MAN FROM WOMAN.
YOU JUST HAVE TO WALK
ON IT, LIKE THIS.
YOU HAVE
TO LEARN TO MOVE
AS GRACEFULLY AND LIGHTLY
AS MY MARVELOUS ALBIN.
RIGHT?
THANK YOU, MY SWEET.
NOW LET'S SEE. WE CAN
START WITH HIM--LOUIS.
HE LOOKS LIKE
THE MOST GIFTED.
A LITTLE LIGHTER.
HOLD THE HANDS HIGHER.
NO, I CAN'T. I'M SORRY,
BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
THESE ARE FLOOZIES' CLOTHES!
Albin: THEY ARE NOT
FLOOZIES' CLOTHES!
ALL THE ELEGANT MEN
ARE WEARING THEM.
AND IF WE'RE TRYING
TO GIVE YOU
THE GRACE YOU LACK,
IT'S FOR THE BENEFIT
OF THIS MISSION, MADAME.
HE'S RIGHT.
WE'VE STARTED,
AND WE'RE GOING
TO SEE IT THROUGH!
CARRY ON.
I'M A MARRIED MAN
WITH 2 CHILDREN!
IT'S AN ORDER!
DON'T BE STUPID.
YOU'RE UP FOR
A PROMOTION.
NO LONG FACES NOW.
ALL TOGETHER NOW.
LINE UP WITH ME.
ABOUT FACE.
FORWARD...
MARCH!
RELAX YOUR WRIST.
LET IT HANG.
AHH. OOH!
AND LOOK AT THE MEN
AS THEY PASS.
MMM. HE'S SO HANDSOME.
LOOK AT MILAN.
HE'S GOT
REAL TALENT.
WHOO-HOO!
A LITTLE TOO MUCH TALENT,
PERHAPS.
HELLO, GIRLS.
EXCUSE ME.
FAG.
I SAID EXCUSE ME.
AND I SAID FAG.
EXCUSE ME.
FAG.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
UM...RENATO,
DON'T ANSWER.
COME ON.
HEY, JUST A MINUTE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
HE'S LOOKING
FOR A FIGHT.
DON'T ANSWER.
THAT'S
ENOUGH NOW.
I'M WARNING YOU.
THERE'LL BE TROUBLE.
THESE GIRLS
ARE REALLY SCARING US.
I ADVISE YOU
TO LET US PASS.
LOOK HOW SHE
CLENCHES HER FISTS.
I'LL BET SHE CAN
REALLY SCRATCH.
HEH HEH.
LET US THROUGH,
PLEASE.
GO ON.
OH! UHH!
THE LITTLE THING'S
NERVOUS.
I'LL CALM HER.
OH! OH!
OH! OH. OH, NO.
I'M FED UP WITH
ALL THIS BRUTALITY,
THIS VIOLENCE.
MY LORD.
IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.
CALM DOWN.
IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.
NO, IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
OH. WHAT'S THAT?
GET IN THE CAR.
OH, RENATO.
UH...HE HAS A GUN.
SORRY, GENTLEMEN.
WE THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR CAR.
GET IN THE CAR.
YES.
GET BACK!
THAT'S IT.
RIGHT IN THE LION'S DEN.
POOR DARLINGS.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING WHICH
IS OF INTEREST TO US.
WE'LL GIVE YOU $500,000,
NOT A CENT MORE.
WE'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT
TO GIVE YOU INSTRUCTIONS.
YOUR POSTERS ARE PRETTY.
Renato: OUR POSTERS?
YES, THEY MAKE YOU
WANT TO SEE THE SHOW.
AH, HOW SWEET OF YOU.
IF YOU DROP BY, I'LL MAKE
SURE YOU GET A GOOD SEAT.
HEH HEH HEH.
TAKE THIS.
EXCUSE ME?
PRESS THE RED BUTTON.
WHAT IS IT?
PRESS.
DON'T PRESS.
LET ME.
LEAVE IT ALONE.
LET ME DO IT.
NO!
SHOULD I PRESS IT?
YES.
YES. THERE.
AAH!
VOILA.
WHAT HAPPENED?
JUST A FEW DOZEN GRAMS.
IMAGINE WHAT 100
WILL DO IN THE CLUB...
DURING THE SHOW...
OR IN YOUR APARTMENT.
NO.
WE'LL CALL YOU LATER...
TO GET YOUR ANSWER.
I KNEW
THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
WITH MY POSTERS?
YOU'LL GO
TO THE RENDEZVOUS.
FINE.
WITH WHAT? WE DON'T
HAVE THE MICROFILM.
BUT THEY THINK
YOU DO.
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT THAT DAMN MICROFILM?
IT'S THE LIST
OF THEIR AGENTS
OPERATING IN FRANCE.
THEY'LL DO ANYTHING
TO GET IT BACK.
NO.
HELLO?
Man: TOMORROW
MORNING AT 6:00,
BE AT THE MONTCOULÈCHE
EXIT OF THE FREEWAY.
COME ALONE.
IF WE NOTICE
ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS,
YOU'LL BE SHOT
ON SIGHT.
THAT'S IT!
WE'VE GOT THEM!
YOU'LL GO
TO THE RENDEZVOUS.
WE'LL BE
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
RIGHT, AND WE
GET KILLED.
I WANT THE LEADER ALIVE.
I'LL QUESTION HIM
MYSELF.
GENTLEMEN,
YOU'RE IN A SITUATION
WHICH REQUIRES
COURAGE...
AND VIRILITY.
TODAY YOU HAVE
THE CHANCE TO BE REAL MEN.
SHALL WE GO?
YES, LET'S GO.
IF THERE'S SHOOTING,
JUMP INTO THE BUSHES.
AND IF THERE ARE
NO BUSHES?
DON'T ARGUE. JUMP,
AND WE DO THE REST.
IT WASN'T TRUE,
YOU KNOW.
WHAT?
THAT YOU'RE
LESS SEDUCTIVE.
IT WASN'T TRUE.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
NO, NO.
IT'S THE TRUTH.
I SWEAR YOU HAVEN'T
GOTTEN ANY FATTER
OR OLDER.
JUST A BIGGER
PAIN IN THE NECK.
HEH HEH.
THAT COULD BE.
NO ONE CAN SAY WE HAVEN'T
BEEN HAPPY TOGETHER.
OK...
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME BACK!
THEY'VE JAMMED
THE DOORS. DAMN IT!
YOUR PAPERS.
TAXI!
TO THE BORDER. FAST!
THERE'S A CAR
FOLLOWING US.
TRY TO LOSE IT.
OH!
DAMN QUEERS.
THAT CAR OVER BY CUSTOMS...
IT'S THE POLICE.
THERE?
I'M TELLING YOU THAT
JUST IN CASE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO
TO AVOID ANY PROBLEMS?
NO, NO. NO IDEA.
HEY.
OH, I CAN'T GO ON!
IT'S A MEDICAL PROBLEM.
I CAN'T WALK.
I HAVE FLAT FEET.
THAT'S HOW
I GOT MY DISCHARGE.
BECAUSE OF FLAT FEET?
YOU TOLD ME YOU APPEARED
BEFORE THE DRAFT BOARD
IN A SKIRT.
BUT THEY NOTICED
I HAD FLAT FEET.
WHEN I THINK WE COULD HAVE
GONE BY BOAT,
BUT NO,
WE'RE HERE JOGGING. OH!
HARBORS, TRAIN STATIONS,
AND AIRPORTS,
ARE THE FIRST PLACES
THE POLICE CHECK, IDIOT.
OH, YES, AND YOU THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO HIDE OUT AT
YOUR FAMILY'S IN ITALY?
BRAVO. HA HA. THAT THEY
WON'T LOOK FOR US THERE?
IN ITALY, WHEN A MAN
GOES INTO HIDING,
EVERYONE BECOMES
HIS ACCOMPLICE.
THE COPS
CAN'T DO A THING.
THOSE 2 QUEERS YOU
PICKED UP THIS MORNING,
WHERE DID YOU TAKE THEM?
Renato: WE'VE
CROSSED THE BORDER.
WE'RE IN ITALY?
YES.
OH, IN ITALY! OH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I FORGOT MY POWDER.
I CAN'T GO INTO ITALY
LOOKING LIKE THIS. OH!
YOU CAN'T MEET MY FAMILY
LOOKING LIKE THAT.
BUT WHY?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
INTRODUCE YOU?
AS A FRIEND.
HAVE YOU LOOKED
AT YOURSELF?
YOU KNOW, ONCE,
IN MY VILLAGE,
THE BUTCHER'S SON HAD AN AFFAIR
WITH THE BLACKSMITH'S SON.
AND THEN?
AND THEN THE FATHER
KILLED THEM,
BASHED THEIR HEADS IN.
HOW HORRIBLE.
RENATO!
MAYBE WE SHOULD
GO TO SWITZERLAND.
NO. YOU'RE
COMING HOME WITH ME.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THESE CLOTHES.
I FEEL AWFUL.
I FEEL SAD. I FEEL OLD.
AND TO THINK
THAT JUST 3 DAYS AGO,
I WAS SUCH A HIT
IN "THE BLUE ANGEL."
LOOK WHAT'S
HAPPENED TO ME!
I'VE AGED 50 YEARS
IN 3 DAYS.
NONSENSE.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?
NOTHING. YOU LOOK
LIKE A REAL MATRON.
BRAVO. THAT WAS
JUST THE THING TO SAY.
I'M THIRSTY. WILL YOU GET
ME SOMETHING TO DRINK?
WE'RE JUST STOPPING
FOR A MINUTE.
BE NICE. IF I DON'T GET
SOMETHING, I'LL FAINT.
FINE.
YOU COULD PUT YOURSELF
OUT A LITTLE.
THERE'S NOTHING HERE.
NOT EVEN A SNACK BAR.
WE'RE IN THE STICKS.
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
DON'T BOTHER
TO APOLOGIZE.
EXCUSE ME.
RENATO!
RENATO! AAH!
ALBIN, GET OFF
AT THE NEXT STATION!
AAH!
STOP THE TRAIN!
WHOO-WHOO! WHOO!
HEH HEH.
FATHER.
SISTERS.
YOUR REVERENCE.
YOU'RE
HERE AT LAST.
I'VE BEEN HERE
FOR A WHILE,
BUT YOU DON'T
GIVE A DAMN.
HOLD THIS.
QUIET. THE NUNS
ARE LOOKING AT YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
SOMEONE MIGHT
RECOGNIZE US.
HURRY.
JUST A SECOND.
LET'S GO.
WE MUSTN'T KEEP
YOUR MOTHER WAITING.
THE SHEET ISN'T STRAIGHT.
PULL IT ON YOUR SIDE.
IT'S ALL WRINKLED.
AND YOU,
DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GET THE OTHER ROOM READY.
WHY DON'T THEY
SLEEP TOGETHER?
I HAVEN'T BEEN INFORMED
OF THIS MARRIAGE.
AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED,
THEY ARE NOT MARRIED.
THE CHANGE OF AIR
WILL DO ME GOOD.
IT'S BEEN AGES
SINCE I'VE BEEN
IN THE COUNTRY.
I'M THRILLED ABOUT
MEETING YOUR MOTHER.
WHAT SHOULD I
CALL HER? HMM?
MRS. BALDI,
OR MOTHER?
MAMA. AHH.
RENATO. MY BOY.
AH, OH, MY BOY.
MADAME.
COME IN.
COME HERE A MINUTE.
LADIES.
WHY DID YOU KEEP
YOUR MARRIAGE A SECRET?
IT'S JUST
THAT IT HAPPENED
ON THE SPUR
OF THE MOMENT.
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
WHY HAVE YOU COME BACK,
RENATO?
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR ME.
YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE ME,
MOTHER. I'M ON THE RUN.
YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE ME.
YOU DID SOMETHING
FOOLISH, HUH?
YES.
RENATO, DID YOU
KILL A MAN?
OVER A WOMAN?
UH...
YES.
OVER THAT ONE?
COME.
WE'LL HIDE YOU
AS LONG AS NEED BE.
YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE.
WE'RE USED TO
THIS SORT OF THING.
THANK YOU, MOTHER.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
NOW GET TO WORK.
EXCUSE ME?
GET TO WORK.
ALL THE WOMEN HERE
WORK.
BUT, MOTHER...
DID YOU HEAR
YOUR MOTHER?
YES. IT'S NOT
HUMILIATING.
THAT'S THE WAY
IT IS HERE.
GO HELP
WITH THE COOKING.
OK, I HEARD YOU!
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
HELLO, LADIES. HA HA!
EXCUSE ME...
HA HA HA HA!
MY GOD, WHAT A NASTY JOB.
JUST LOOK AT THIS.
TELL HER TO USE
LESS PERFUME
AND TO LEARN HOW TO KNEAD
THE PASTA DOUGH.
YES, MOTHER.
COME ON. LET'S DRINK
TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
HA HA HA!
YOO-HOO! IT'S ME!
GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M MRS. BALDI.
HOW ARE ALL OF YOU?
ISN'T MOTHER HERE?
SORRY IF I'M
A LITTLE LATE.
I WANTED TO FRESHEN UP
BEFORE DINNER.
HA! IS EVERYTHING OK
IN THE FIELDS?
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY?
YES? GOOD.
I'D LOVE A LITTLE
DROP OF WINE.
I'M VERY THIRSTY.
AAH!
WHAT HAPPENED?
MY DRESS, SWEETIE.
MY DRESS.
I'D REALLY LIKE
A DROP OF WINE.
I'M DYING OF THIRST.
IT MUST BE THE HEAT.
I HELPED MAKE
THE DINNER.
IS EVERYTHING OK?
IT'S FUN TO COOK
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I'VE NEVER
ROLLED NOODLES BEFORE.
WHOO-HOO! HA HA HA!
A LITTLE SECRET.
THE WOMEN DON'T SIT
WITH THE MEN HERE.
YES? WHAT'S
GOTTEN INTO YOU?
SOME WINE.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YES.
SO HIS MAJESTY
IS TIRED?
OH, YES. HELP ME
OFF WITH MY SHOES.
TAKE OFF MY SHOES.
TOMORROW MORNING
WE HAVE TO BE UP AT 4:00.
YOU HAVE TO
PREPARE LUNCH FOR ME
AND ALL THE MEN
WORKING IN THE FIELD.
FOR EVERYONE?
LISTEN, RENATO.
I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BEING A MAN.
I DON'T LIKE BEING
A WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY.
I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!
JUST LOOK AT
THE STATE I'M IN.
I'VE HAD...I'VE HAD...
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
MADAME BALDI?
YES.
I HAVE A MONEY ORDER
FOR RENATO BALDI.
RENATO BALDI
IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
REALLY?
THAT'S TOO BAD.
IT'S A GOOD DEAL
OF MONEY.
HE HASN'T BEEN HERE
IN 20 YEARS,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE HE IS.
FINE. WE'LL
JUST KEEP IT THEN,
BUT WE'LL BE BACK.
THANK YOU,
MRS. BALDI.
HELLO.
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
IF RENATO SAW YOU,
HE WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
I'M NOT THE ONLY
PRETTY GIRL ON THE FARM.
TAKE LAURA, FOR EXAMPLE.
SHE'S CHARMING.
WITHOUT HER MOUSTACHE,
SHE'D BE ME 20 YEARS AGO.
I'M NO DIFFERENT
FROM THE OTHERS.
IT'S JUST THAT
I'M A NEW FACE.
YOU EXCITE ME.
YES, FINE,
BUT IT'S WRONG.
VERY WRONG.
YOU'RE FORGETTING RENATO.
YOU MUSTN'T SAY
SUCH THINGS TO ME.
RENATO.
SWEAR TO ME. SWEAR YOU'LL
NEVER TRY TO SEE ME AGAIN.
GO ON, SWEAR IT.
WHAT'S WRONG?
THEY'RE ON OUR TRAIL.
WE CAN'T STAY HERE.
OH!
LUIGI, TAKE THEM
TO THE SHEPHERD'S HUT
AND STAY WITH THEM.
I'M ENTRUSTING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. BALDI.
YOU'LL BE SAFE
WITH LUIGI.
HE'S THE BEST SHOOTER
IN THESE MOUNTAINS.
WE'LL STOP AT LUIGI'S HOUSE
TO GET PROVISIONS
AND SOME MEN'S CLOTHES
FOR YOUR WIFE.
WHAT?
THERE ARE ONLY MEN, ONLY
SHEPHERDS, IN THE MOUNTAINS.
A WOMAN WOULD BE
VERY CONSPICUOUS,
ESPECIALLY THAT ONE.
SHE HAS TO PASS
FOR A MAN, RENATO.
YOU'LL WEAR THIS
TO HIDE YOUR HAIR.
LET HER CHANGE.
WE HAVE TO HURRY.
WE'VE WASTED
ENOUGH TIME.
I'M NOT GOING TO DRESS
LIKE A MAN, RENATO.
DON'T ARGUE. HURRY AND
PUT ON THESE CLOTHES.
BUT IT'LL SHOW!
WHAT WILL SHOW?
THAT I'M A MAN.
DON'T COUNT ON IT.
IN ANY CASE, I WON'T
PUT A CAP OVER MY WIG.
YOU DRESS LIKE A MAN,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
YOU'RE A WOMAN WHO IS
DRESSED LIKE A MAN.
COULD YOU REPEAT THAT,
PLEASE?
NO, NO. SOME OTHER TIME.
AND REMEMBER,
KEEP YOUR BOSOM.
YOU'RE NOT A MAN
DRESSED LIKE A WOMAN.
YOU'RE A WOMAN
DISGUISED AS A MAN.
IS THAT CLEAR?
I'M A WOMAN...
DISGUISED AS A MAN.
VOILA. I'M READY.
SEEN FROM AFAR,
SHE COULD PASS.
FROM VERY FAR.
CAREFUL, MADAME.
HA! CALL ME MISTER,
LUIGI.
IT'LL AROUSE
LESS SUSPICION.
AH, HA HA!
CAREFUL.
VOILA, MADAME.
YES.
SHALL I CARRY YOU?
NO, I'M FINE.
SHE'S NOT MADE
OF GLASS.
IT'S A DIFFICULT CLIMB
FOR A WOMAN.
IT'S NOT EASY.
VOILA. HERE'S
THE LOOKOUT POST.
IT OVERLOOKS
THE WHOLE VALLEY.
AH.
AS LONG AS I'M HERE
WITH MY GUN,
YOU CAN SLEEP
IN PEACE.
THE SHEPHERD'S HUT
IS OVER THERE.
LADIES FIRST.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
THANK YOU, LUIGI.
OH, IT'S
CERTAINLY RUSTIC.
YOU'LL SLEEP HERE,
MADAME.
THANKS, LUIGI.
AND YOU, OVER THERE.
I'LL BE UP
AT THE LOOKOUT.
YOU'LL BE
WELL-PROTECTED, MADAME.
I'LL WALK YOU
TO THE DOOR.
GOOD NIGHT...
LITTLE PRINCESS.
GOOD NIGHT.
THAT YOU HAVE NO RESPECT
FOR ME, THAT'S ONE THING,
BUT HAVE SOME RESPECT
FOR YOURSELF.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
ME? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO
BE SHOT BY THAT MORON.
WHOSE FAULT IS IT?
YOU'VE BEEN
ASKING FOR IT.
LOOK AT THE WAY
YOU'VE BEEN TREATING ME.
SUCH BRUTALITY!
IT'S SHOCKING.
YOU'RE UGLY, RENATO.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
JEALOUSLY HAS DISFIGURED YOU.
YOU'RE VERY UGLY.
UHH! THE MAN
I LOVED IS GONE!
AND SO IS THE ONE
I LOVED.
NEVER HAVE YOU BEEN
MORE RIDICULOUS!
COME ON. HURRY.
ALBIN, GET BACK
INTO PANTS AT ONCE.
SO YOU CAN
INSULT ME AGAIN?
WHAT DO YOU
INTEND TO DO?
PARDON?
WITH THAT
POOR HALF-WIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
IN ANY CASE,
IT CAN'T GO VERY FAR.
HE HAS NO EDUCATION.
HE IS A BIT UNCOUTH.
AND YOU ARE
NOT A WOMAN.
OH, YOU KNOW, RENATO,
YOU'RE A REAL KILLJOY.
ARE YOU OK?
YOU DO EVERYTHING
TO HURT ME, RENATO.
DON'T EXAGGERATE.
OH, I'M NOT
EXAGGERATING.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU.
OH, NO.
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE!
AND I'M GETTING
THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
I'VE HAD IT.
ALL RIGHT, GO!
GOOD-BYE!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!
A LITTLE TROUT
FOR MY LITTLE PRINCESS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
IS IT THAT BASTARD
WHO'S MAKING YOU CRY?
I'LL KILL HIM!
LUIGI!
RENATO!
HELLO.
RENATO.
HELLO.
DON'T SCREAM.
NOT A WORD.
THE OTHERS ARE OUT THERE.
JUST ACT NATURAL.
THAT'S FINE.
JUST LIKE THAT.
YOU BASTARD!
WHO'S THAT?
SOME NUT.
COME ON!
WHAT ABOUT ALBIN?
SO THE MICROFILM
GOT TO ITALY
TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN
ON ITS OWN.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT THE MICROFILM.
I JUST WANT TO FIND ALBIN.
YOU BETTER GIVE A DAMN.
IT MAY BE OUR ONLY MEANS
OF GETTING HIM BACK.
WHY?
IF IT IS THE LIST
OF THEIR AGENTS,
WE'LL KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE TO FIND HIM.
MAKE HIM SHUT UP!
I CAN'T MAKE HIM TALK
AND SHUT UP AT THE SAME TIME.
Albin: AAH!
I'VE HAD
ENOUGH OF THIS!
AAH!
ENOUGH, ENOUGH,
ENOUGH!
I WAS GIVING HIM
A TRUTH SERUM.
WE'RE GIVEN IT
TO HIM 3 TIMES.
AND ALL HE ADMITTED
WAS THAT HE WAS A HOMOSEXUAL.
30 CCs OF PENTOTHAL TO HAVE
HIM SAY HE'S HOMOSEXUAL.
IT'S A BEGINNING, NO?
WE'VE ALREADY WASTED
A LOT OF TIME.
MOUGEOTTE.
DEAR MOUGEOTTE.
TELL US WHERE
THE MICROFILM IS,
OR I'LL PUT A BULLET
IN YOUR HEAD!
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE IT IS!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT MICROFILM IS.
I DON'T KNOW!
TELEPHONE.
HI.
WHAT?
NO NEED TO LOOK FURTHER.
THEY HAVE IT.
THEY'VE ARRESTED
MARTIN AND DUPRÉ.
BASTARDS! THEY'VE
INFILTRATED OUR RING.
YOU SOLD IT
TO THE OTHER SIDE.
EXCUSE ME? HEH HEH.
AAH! NO!
YOU CHOSE THE WRONG CAMP.
TOO BAD.
NO! DON'T KILL ME!
I DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING!
Man on bullhorn:
THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED.
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.
GIVE YOURSELVES UP.
ON YOUR FEET.
HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.
AAH!
WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?
IF YOU TRY SOMETHING,
I'LL KILL HER!
DON'T MAKE IT WORSE
FOR YOURSELVES.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
WE WON'T HURT YOU.
ALBIN, I'M HERE!
DON'T WORRY ANYMORE.
YOUR RENATO IS HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA
RUIN EVERYTHING!
Albin: RENATO,
I WANT TO GO HOME!
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
SHUT UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
DON'T TALK TO ME
IN THAT TONE OF VOICE.
DON'T GET SO EXCITED.
I'LL KEEP STILL.
TIE HIM UP!
LISTEN TO ME.
THE BASTARDS
TOOK A SHOT AT ME!
ASK FOR A PLANE.
HMM?
IN EXCHANGE
FOR WHAT?
FOR THAT.
FOR THAT THING?
WOULD YOU EXCHANGE
A PLANE FOR THAT?
A CHILD, A WOMAN,
A PRIEST, YES. BUT THAT?
PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. OW!
YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES,
OR WE'LL OPEN FIRE.
COME AND GET US,
YOU BASTARDS!
THEY WOULDN'T SHOOT.
AFTER ALL,
THERE'S A HOSTAGE IN HERE.
ARE YOU COLD?
I'M AFRAID.
40 SECONDS!
DON'T SHOOT!
ALBIN'S IN THERE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?
30 SECONDS!
SO I'M NOT EVEN A HOSTAGE.
I'M NOTHING AT ALL.
I'M NOT THE BLUE ANGEL.
I'M NOT A PRINCESS.
I'M NOT EVEN A HOSTAGE.
GOOD, THEN.
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
HUH.
I'M GOING TO RENATO.
Broca: READY UP THERE?
WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?
I'M GOING TO ALBIN.
ARE YOU OK, ALBIN?
I'M ALL RIGHT, RENATO.
AND YOU?
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
YES?
THE SECRETARY OF STATE?
YES, PUT HIM THROUGH.
AH.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. SECRETARY.
YES, I'M FINE.
FINE, THANK YOU,
MR. SECRETARY.
ME?
ME, MR. SECRETARY?
BUT WHY ME?
AH.
IT'S THE DEPUTY.
OH, SORRY.
MONSIEUR, YOUR COURAGE
HAS ENABLED US
TO PUT AN END TO
A DANGEROUS SPY RING.
THE GOVERNMENT
HAS ASKED ME
TO EXPRESS ITS THANKS
AND ITS CONGRATULATIONS.
A PHOTO OF
THE THREE OF YOU.
Albin: A PHOTO?
COME, COME THIS WAY.
HOW'S THIS?
Photographer:
A LITTLE CLOSER.
CLOSER?
I'M CLOSE ENOUGH.
YES, WELL,
SIT DOWN.
YES, YES.
THERE, THANK YOU.
AAH!
NO PICTURES, NO PICTURES!
NO PICTURES, NO PICTURES!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
MGM HOME ENTERTAINMENT
* IT'S WAITING FOR YOU
* FOLLOW MY EYES
* YES, THEY'RE
BURNING YOU THROUGH *
* DARLING,
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU *
* SO TAKE ME
IN YOUR ARMS *
* MY BODY'S ACHING
* NOW, COME CLOSER TO ME
I WAS MORE SENSUAL THIS TIME.
BETTER, ISN'T IT?
IF YOU SAY SO.
AND HOW ABOUT MY FIGURE?
NOW THAT I'VE CUT OUT BREAD,
I LOOK BETTER, DON'T I?
YOU'RE MARVELOUS,
BUT I WAS JUST THINKING.
WHAT?
YOU'VE GOT THE WHOLE SHOW
ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
IF YOU DO MARLENE, YOU
WON'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.
I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
BEFORE THE FINALE.
IF SOMETHING'S WRONG,
JUST SAY SO.
NO, NOTHING'S WRONG.
I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN FEELING WELL.
AND TO DO THE MARLENE NUMBER
SEEMS UNWISE.
YES, BUT, RENATO,
WE NEED SOMETHING ROMANTIC.
THE COMEDY ROUTINES ARE FINE,
BUT PEOPLE NEED TO DREAM.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO GIVE THEM:
BEAUTY, EMOTION, SENSUALITY.
AND IF I KILL MYSELF
DOING IT, TOO BAD.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
I'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
LOOK, I HAVE AN IDEA.
CARAMEL?
* DARLING,
JUST LOOK AT ME, NOW *
* I CAN SEE YOU'RE MINE
* YOU FELL IN LOVE...
DO YOU MIND?
THAT'S MY STOOL!
* YES, SO MANY TIMES
WHAT IS THIS FOOLISHNESS?
ALBIN.
* STILL THE ONE, NOW
* I CAN SEE YOUR SMILE
LISTEN TO ME.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION
OF ARTISTIC PREFERENCE.
YOU'RE UNIQUE,
IRREPLACEABLE,
THE STAR OF THE SHOW.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE
THINGS EASIER FOR YOU.
GIVE YOU A LITTLE TIME
TO YOURSELF.
STOP!
BOYS, GIVE ME A SECOND.
LOOK AT THE NEW STAR.
THERE SHE IS!
AH, HA HA, AH HA!
THE NEW MARLENE.
AND WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THIS?
THE BOSS--RENATO!
3 CHEERS FOR THE BOSS,
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
OH, BRAVO, DARLING.
VERY GOOD. A REAL BITCH.
LOTS OF LUCK.
AND HE CAN DO THE REST
OF THE SHOW, TOO.
ALBIN.
ALBIN, ARE YOU
LISTENING TO ME?
ALBIN, WE'RE
PAST OUR PRIME,
AND WE CAN'T DO
A THING ABOUT IT.
THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN ONE MUST CHANGE,
PLAY IT FOR THE LAUGHS.
IT'S NOT A CATASTROPHE.
C'EST LA VIE.
YOU CAN'T GO ON BEING
WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN.
AT FIRST
YOU MAKE PEOPLE DREAM,
THEN YOU MAKE PEOPLE
LAUGH.
I MAKE YOU LAUGH?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
NO, I'M NOT RIDICULOUS.
I CAN STILL AROUSE DESIRE.
OF COURSE. GO TO BED.
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME TEA.
YOU KNOW, RENATO,
IF I'M NO LONGER
ATTRACTIVE,
I'LL KILL MYSELF.
DARJEELING OR JASMINE?
IS MONSIE AWAKE?
SHE'S HAD BREAKFAST
AND IS GETTING DRESSED.
JACOB, I'VE TOLD YOU TO SAY,
"MONSIEUR HAS HAD BREAKFAST,"
OR "H IS GETTING DRESSED."
UNDERSTAND?
HELLO, MY DEARS.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
LIKE THAT?
OUT.
DRESSED LIKE THAT?
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
YOU BURIED ME A LITTLE
TOO SOON, RENATO.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A DRINK
AT A CAFé ON THE PATIO
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
WE'LL SOON SEE
IF I'M STILL SEDUCTIVE.
CIAO, BABY.
HA HA!
CRÈME DE MENTHE.
YES, MA'AM.
WITH WATER.
YES, MA'AM.
HA HA HA.
ALBIN, PLEASE.
COME HOME.
DON'T BE STUBBORN.
GO AWAY!
BE REASONABLE.
COME ON,
LET'S GO HOME.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
COME ON.
NO, LATER.
LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING
TO DRINK?
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DRIVE AWAY.
WHERE TO, LOVE BIRDS?
TO THE RIGHT.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
TO THE LEFT.
I MUSTN'T GET HOME LATE.
I HAVE A DANCE CLASS
AT 6:00.
TO THE RIGHT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS?
STOP!
Albin: AAH!
BUT...
HEH HEH.
AH! BACK AGAIN.
HA HA HA!
REALLY, YOU DON'T SEEM
TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
A ROOM.
A ROOM?
ARE YOU CRAZY?!
RENATO!
COME ON, HONEY, LET'S GO.
THAT'LL TEACH HIM A LESSON.
HI, THERE.
I KNOW YOU'RE GOING
TO BE DISAPPOINTED,
BUT I DIDN'T COME UP HERE
FOR WHAT YOU THINK.
I JUST WANTED TO PROVE
A POINT TO A FRIEND.
WELL, THE POINT IS MADE.
I MUST RUN ALONG.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
IF I LED YOU ON.
I'M NOT THAT TYPE.
I HOPE WE CAN BE
GOOD FRIENDS.
I WAS DELIGHTED
TO MEET YOU.
I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN.
PLEASE ACCEPT
MY BEST REGARDS.
BE REASONABLE.
I HAVE MY LIFE,
AND SURELY YOU HAVE YOURS.
WE MUST BE STRONG.
THAT'S BETTER.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO
UNDERSTANDING, YOU YOUNG HUNK.
IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
BELIEVE ME, IT WOULDN'T
HAVE LED ANYWHERE.
AND THERE'S
THE AGE DIFFERENCE.
I'M 2 OR 3 YEARS
OLDER THAN YOU.
IT'S NOT
A BIG DIFFERENCE NOW,
BUT IN 10 YEARS...
GIVE ME A SMILE.
I'M SAD, TOO.
Renato: ALBIN!
AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU PICKED UP?
LISTEN TO ME.
HE'S IN FOR A HELL
OF A SURPRISE.
SHUT UP!
BECAUSE THIS "LADY"
IS ACTUALLY A MAN.
WELL, YOU'VE KILLED HIM.
MY PET, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
SAY SOMETHING!
HE'S DEAD.
THE POLICE!
WE'VE GOT TO CALL
THE POLICE!
NO POLICE! WE'RE DEFINITELY
NOT CALLING THE POLICE.
WHY SHOULDN'T I?
LISTEN TO ME.
YOU CALL THE POLICE,
AND WHAT WILL THEY FIND?
AN UNMARRIED COUPLE.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
A COUPLE WHERE THE WOMAN
IS ACTUALLY A MAN...
THAT COULD POSE
A PROBLEM.
BUT WHERE
THE WOMAN IS A MAN
AND THE MAN
IS A CORPSE...
THAT IS
A 4-LETTER MESS!
AAH!
QUIET!
OH, MY GOD.
WE'VE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE, RENATO.
THE ROOM
WITH THE BALCONY?
NUMBER 24.
WHO'S IN IT?
A FAT REDHEAD
AND A GUY ABOUT 25.
AAH!
GOD, I LOOK AWFUL.
ALBIN.
OHH!
WHO IS IT?
READ THIS.
ARE YOU CRAZY,
WAKING ME UP LIKE THIS?
READ THIS!
HMM? WHAT?
TAKE OUT YOUR EAR PLUGS.
YOUR GLASSES.
THANKS.
"DOUBLE MURDER
IN A HOTEL IN NICE.
A MYSTERIOUS WOMAN FLEES,
LEAVING 2 CORPSES."
I WASN'T DREAMING?
IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE, THEN.
MY GOD, HOW AWFUL.
READ THE ARTICLE.
GO ON, READ IT.
"IT'S 1 P.M.
AT THE HOTEL DE LYS,
ONE OF THOSE PLACES WHICH
RENTS ROOMS BY THE HOUR."
WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
KEEP READING.
"A COUPLE APPEARS
AT THE RECEPTION DESK.
"A MAN ABOUT 30
WITH A WOMAN OLD ENOUGH
TO BE HIS MOTHER."
WHO IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
"THE CLERK DESCRIBES HER
AS A FA--"
"AS A FAT...
A FAT REDHEAD..."
"ABOUT 60 YEARS OLD."
RATHER VULGAR.
I'D LIKE TO GO BACK
TO SLEEP NOW.
YOU'LL SLEEP FOR 20 YEARS
ACTING THIS WAY!
"THE WOMAN WAS WEARING A SILK
PANTSUIT WITH A FLORAL PATTERN."
THIS WILL BRING YOU 20 YEARS,
AND THAT'S IF YOU'RE LUCKY.
LOOK, THERE'S EVEN
A POLICE COMPOSITE.
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME?
LOOK AT ME.
I'VE LOST 6 POUNDS.
I HARDLY EAT ANYTHING.
I'M ALL SKIN AND BONES.
JACOB.
OH. JACOB.
YES?
TAKE A LOOK AT NICE MATIN.
IT'S ON THE BED.
LEAVE THAT ALONE.
GO ON, LOOK AT THE PHOTO
ON THE FRONT PAGE.
HA HA HA!
OH, MISTRESS!
HA HA HA HA!
OUT.
WHAT?
GO BACK UP YOUR
COCONUT TREE, YOU IDIOT!
20 YEARS!
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?
NO, NO! I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD!
YOUR ESCAPADES
DON'T INTEREST ME.
IF YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES
INTO A MESS,
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOUR SON MAY BE MARRIED
TO MY DAUGHTER,
BUTSTILL BELONG
TO 2 DIFFERENT WORLDS.
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK OF YOURS!
BESIDES, I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY ELECTORAL CAMPAIGN.
AND YOUR PRESENCE
IS A CONSTANT MENACE.
A CONSTANT MENACE!
I'M SORRY TO HAVE
TO BE SO BRUTAL.
PLEASE LEAVE MY OFFICE
AT ONCE!
Renato: NO CHOCOLATE.
IT'S NO GOOD FOR YOU,
AND IT WON'T SOLVE ANYTHING.
THAT CHARRIER
IS A REAL BASTARD.
I WAS STUPID TO ASK HIM.
A POLITICIAN CAN'T DIRTY
HIS HANDS WITH THE LIKES OF US.
WE'LL HAVE
TO HANDLE IT OURSELVES.
GIVE ME A CHOCOLATE.
NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SINCE THE POLICE
ARE LOOKING FOR A WOMAN,
THE ONLY SOLUTION
IS TO GET RID OF HER.
YOU MUST NEVER AGAIN
DRESS LIKE A WOMAN. NEVER!
IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.
STOP CRYING.
IT'S NOT SUCH A TRAGEDY.
THE WORLD IS FULL OF MEN
DRESSED LIKE MEN.
DON'T CRY.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M JUST SO UPSET.
DON'T OVERDO IT.
WELL, OF COURSE,
YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S BEYOND YOU.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN I STARTED OUT,
I DIDN'T EVEN
OWN A GARTER BELT.
ALL I HAD
WAS A LITTLE SKIRT,
BORROWED FROM MY SISTER.
I'VE HAD TO WORK HARD
TO GET ALL THIS.
BUT THEN,
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
NO MAN HAS WORKED AS HARD
TO BUY HIMSELF DRESSES.
NOT A ONE!
IT'S INCREDIBLE!
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO FOOLISH,
THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
WHEN YOU TELL A GUY
THAT HE CAN NO LONGER
ATTRACT OTHER MEN,
YOU DRIVE HIM
TO DESPAIR.
THAT'S HOW IT IS, MADAME.
IT'S REALLY YOUR FAULT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT DRESS?
WE HAVE
TO BURN IT.
I ONLY WORE IT ONCE!
IT'S THE EVIDENCE.
Albin: A PART OF ME
IS BURNING, RENATO.
MY YOUTH...
IS GOING UP IN SMOKE.
BE BRAVE, ALBIN,
BE BRAVE.
A PAGE HAS BEEN TURNED.
ALL THAT WAS GRACEFUL,
FRAGILE...
DELICATE IN ME...
HAS TURNED TO ASHES.
I HAVE BECOME A MAN, RENATO.
WHO'S GOING TO REPLACE ME?
WHAT?
IN THE SHOW.
YOU WANT US TO GET
SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU?
WHY?
LOOK, YOU TOLD ME NOT
TO DRESS LIKE A WOMAN ANYMORE.
BUT LET ME POINT OUT
THAT IN THE SHOW,
I AM RARELY...
DRESSED LIKE A MAN.
SHIT!
EXACTLY!
FOR THE SHOW
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT?
IN YOUR WIG AND COSTUME,
I DOUBT THAT ANYONE
WILL RECOGNIZE YOU.
YOU'RE AFRAID BUSINESS
WILL DROP OFF.
ME? IT DIDN'T EVEN
CROSS MY MIND.
LIAR!
YOU'D SEND ME
OFF TO WAR
JUST TO SAVE
A FEW BUCKS.
DO YOU PREFER TO END UP
AT THE SALVATION ARMY
OR UNDER A BRIDGE
LIKE AN OLD BUM?
CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT YOU'LL LOOK LIKE THEN?
I CAN ALREADY PICTURE YOU
IN THE GUTTER.
OK, I'LL REPLACE YOU.
HA! MAMA!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
IT'S ME, IDIOT!
"MAMA" IS GONNA
GIVE YOU A SPANKING
IF YOU KEEP THIS UP.
Announcer: AND HERE SHE IS...
THE QUEEN OF SEX APPEAL,
THE UNFORGETTABLE BLUE ANGEL,
THE DIVINE MARLENE!
OH, NO.
IT SEEMS TO BE
WORKING.
IT'S NOT SO BAD,
REALLY.
* AND DRIVE YOU SO INSANE
* WITH MY SWEET CARESS
* LOOK AT MY BODY
* IT'S WAITING FOR YOU
* FOLLOW MY EYES, YES
* BURNING YOU THROUGH
* DARLING,
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU *
* SO, I WILL BE THERE
* COME CLOSER TO ME
BRAVO! A REAL SUCCESS.
THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA.
BEHIND THE PILLAR THERE!
IT'S ONE OF THE MEN
WE SAW AT THE HOTEL.
YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS.
GO TAKE A BOW.
I'LL NEVER DRESS
LIKE A WOMAN AGAIN!
LOOK, I'M STILL SHAKING.
PROTECT ME, RENATO!
I'VE GOT TO HIDE!
THEY'RE GOING TO FIND ME.
I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO JAIL, RENATO!
ISN'T THAT A BIT FEMININE?
FEMININE?
THEY'RE
CARPENTER'S PANTS.
BUT VELVET FOR A MAN,
IT COULD SUGGEST...
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
MORE...CRUDE?
CRUDE?
FAGGOT!
IS THAT HE?
WHO? ZAZA NAPOLI?
DON'T BE SILLY!
ARE YOU KIDDING?
WHO IS IT?
WHO IS IT?
IT'S MAURICE.
THE WINDOW WASHER.
OH, MAURICE.
HOW ARE YOU, MAURICE?
FINE, MR. BALDI.
GOOD.
HOW'S THE FAMILY?
DO YOU KNOW
HOW MANY KIDS HE HAS?
GUESS.
HOW MANY?
8.
AND HIS WIFE
IS EXPECTING ANOTHER.
RIGHT, MAURICE?
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT
WE HAVEN'T BEEN TRYING.
OUCH, THAT HURTS!
DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
GET TO WORK.
WHERE SHOULD I START?
HERE, OR THERE?
WHEREVER.
IT'S YOUR WORK.
OK, OK.
SO HE JUST DISAPPEARED?
LIKE I TOLD YOU, LAST NIGHT
AT DINNER, WE QUARRELED.
WE BEGAN TO SHOUT.
AND HE THREW A PLATE AT ME.
THEN HE GOT UP AND LEFT,
SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM!
DON'T LIE TO US,
MR. BALDI.
I'M NOT LYING. IF I KNEW
WHERE HE WAS, I'D TELL YOU.
LIKE I SAID,
WE'VE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS.
THAT HAPPENS
TO COUPLES, RIGHT?
YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT DOES HAPPEN.
MAURICE, THE WINDOWS.
HEY, WHAT AM I?
A WORK HORSE?
I CUT MYSELF!
I'M BLEEDING.
I'M BLEEDING. LOOK.
HA HA HA HA!
OH, MISTRESS!
HA HA HA!
GET OUT OF HERE. HURRY
AND GET THE FIRST AID KIT.
I'M INNOCENT. I SWEAR
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
DON'T SEND ME TO PRISON,
I BEG YOU, INSPECTOR.
THEY'RE NOT
FROM THE POLICE.
THEY'RE
SECRET AGENTS.
DID THE GUY WHO LURED YOU
TO THE HOTEL GIVE YOU ANYTHING?
WHAT?
A SMALL CAPSULE?
A CAPSULE?
HE WAS A FOREIGN AGENT
WHO HAD COME OVER TO OUR SIDE.
HE WAS ABOUT TO GIVE US
A MICROFILM.
OH, MY GOD.
SHOW ME YOUR HAND.
I HAVE 5 FINGERS
LIKE EVERYONE.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE,
YOU NINNY.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US,
MOUGEOTTE.
HELP YOU? DO WHAT?
BRING THEM INTO THE OPEN.
THEY OBVIOUSLY THINK
YOU HAVE THE MICROFILM.
YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM
ON YOUR TRACK.
HOW?
SO YOU'RE GOING TO DRESS
LIKE A WOMAN AGAIN,
IN THE SAME WIG,
AND SHOW YOURSELF
AROUND TOWN.
THAT'LL BRING THEM
INTO THE OPEN.
NO.
NOT A CHANCE.
ALBIN CAN'T DO
SUCH A THING.
SHALL I CALL
THE POLICE?
NO.
YOU CAN TELL THEM
WHY YOU WERE
IN A HOTEL ROOM
WITH 2 CORPSES.
LIFE IS FUNNY.
FOR YEARS I'VE HAD
PROBLEMS WITH THE POLICE
FOR DRESSING LIKE A WOMAN.
AND WHEN I DECIDE TO START
DRESSING LIKE A MAN,
THE POLICE INSIST
I DRESS LIKE A WOMAN.
THE ABSURDITY OF THINGS.
HURRY. THEY'LL
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
RENATO...
ARE CYANIDE DARTS
VERY PAINFUL?
WHAT AN IDEA!
DON'T BE SILLY.
EVERYTHING
WILL BE FINE.
YOU THINK SO?
I'M POSITIVE.
IS SHE READY?
ALMOST.
I'M GOING WITH HIM.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD
LET HIM GO ALONE.
THIS COULD BE MY LAST.
LET'S GO.
EH, MONSIEUR MOUGEOTTE.
YOUR HAIR WASN'T
LIKE THAT BEFORE.
THIS IS A LITTLE
MORE FORMAL.
WE WANT THEM
TO RECOGNIZE YOU.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
IS HE CRAZY?
JUST LOOK AT THAT.
SO, BROCA, YOU DON'T
LIKE ME LIKE THIS?
MR. BROCA,
WHERE ARE WE OFF TO?
A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
VERY CHIC.
ALL THE PRESS
WILL BE THERE.
THIS ISN'T DRESSY ENOUGH.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE NOTHING
I GOT ON SALE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.
I'D HAVE WORN--I DON'T KNOW.
YOU LOOK FINE.
THE MAIN THING IS
TO ATTRACT ATTENTION.
AND WE'LL SEE TO THAT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MR. MANDERSTAM.
MR. DEPUTY.
Albin:
I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.
WHAT KIND
OF CAKE IS IT?
MERINGUE.
OH, MERINGUE.
YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO GET IN THERE,
DO YOU?
DON'T WORRY,
YOU'LL STILL BE PAID.
YOU CAN GO HOME NOW.
A MERINGUE!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
IT'S NOT EVEN MY SIZE.
NO, IT'S NOT MY SIZE.
GET IN.
TAKE MY BAG AND GLOVES.
WHAT AN ADVENTURE!
I'M AFRAID.
RENATO...
DON'T LEAVE ME.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
I'LL SUFFOCATE IN THERE!
I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK.
BESIDES, I'M A DIABETIC.
NOBODY'S ASKING YOU
TO EAT IT!
I WON'T GET ENOUGH AIR
IN THERE!
COULDN'T WE LEAVE
THE TOP OFF?
NO. NO.
MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
THE TIME HAS COME FOR US
TO TELL OUR FRIEND
ANDREW MANDERSTAM...
ALL THE ROTTEN THINGS
WE THINK ABOUT HIM.
MR. MANDERSTAM
IS THAT AMERICAN CHAP
WHO SETTLED IN FRANCE
SOME 15 YEARS AGO
HERE IN THIS TOWN,
OF WHICH I AM THE DEPUTY.
HE HAS FOUND
2 MEANS OF
ATTRACTING ATTENTION:
HIS GENEROSITY
AND HIS KINDNESS.
LET'S GO!
Albin:
ARE YOU THERE, RENATO?
YES, I'M HERE.
EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.
ALBIN, YOU NEED
TO GO BACK ON A DIET.
Albin: THAT'S A NICE THING
TO SAY IN FRONT OF THE CHEFS!
ALBIN, IT'S CHARRIER!
Albin: OH, MY GOD!
MY SON'S FATHER-IN-LAW
IS CHARRIER, THE DEPUTY.
WE PROMISED HIM
WE'D NEVER
SHOW OUR FACES
IN FRONT OF HIM.
SHH.
HE'S IN THE MIDDLE
OF HIS CAMPAIGN.
WE'LL RUIN
HIS CAREER!
MY DEAR ANDREW,
OUR ENTIRE TOWN
WISHES YOU TODAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OUR TOWN WANTED TO GIVE
A BIRTHDAY PARTY
AMERICAN STYLE
TO ITS AMERICAN
BENEFACTOR.
A LITTLE TECHNICAL PROBLEM,
IT SEEMS.
USUALLY, THERE'S--
THERE'S A SURPRISE IN THERE.
IT SEEMS OUR "SURPRISE"
DIDN'T HEAR THE ORCHESTRA.
THE "SURPRISE."
MY DEAR ANDREW,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
HEH HEH HEH.
IT SEEMS OUR "SURPRISE"
HAS FALLEN ASLEEP.
WE'RE READY, MISS!
MAYBE SHE CAN'T HEAR
WITH ALL THAT CREAM.
IT'S SUCH A RICH CAKE.
HA HA HA HA.
I'VE NEVER GONE TO THE RESCUE
OF A CAKE BEFORE!
NO ONE'S THERE!
SHE'S NOT THERE.
AAAH!
Jacob: POOR MISTRESS.
SHE'S GOING TO DIE.
SHE'S GOING TO DIE!
WOULD YOU SHUT UP,
JACOB?
JACOB,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!
HELLO? SORRY,
I CAN'T HEAR A THING.
COULD YOU COME
RIGHT OVER?
IT'S AN EMERGENCY,
DOCTOR.
THIS WAY, DOCTOR.
HE JUST FELL ASLEEP.
HE HAD A TERRIBLE SHOCK
YESTERDAY.
HE'S VERY SICK.
ALBIN?
THE DOCTOR'S HERE.
YOU'D BETTER TAKE
HIS BLOOD PRESSURE.
AND GIVE HIM SOMETHING
FOR HIS HEART.
I'M SO AFRAID
HE MIGHT LET HIMSELF DIE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
STOP CRYING.
IT'S ANNOYING.
POOR MISTRESS.
SHE WAS SO NICE.
SHE'S NOT DEAD YET.
GO DO THE SHOPPING.
WHAT A PAIN!
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU REALLY DID A GREAT JOB!
HIS PHOTO'S
IN EVERY NEWSPAPER.
THE DOCTOR IS WITH HIM.
I HOPE HE'LL BE ABLE
TO PULL HIM THROUGH.
THE MICROFILM.
THE MICROFILM.
IS THAT YOU?
IS THAT YOU, RENATO?
IS THAT YOU, HONEY?
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT?
NOTHING. AN INJECTION.
ALBIN HATES INJECTIONS.
AAAH!
THE MICROFILM.
I'LL KNOCK HIM
BACK INTO SHAPE!
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
LET ME THROUGH.
NO. IT'S OUR BEDROOM.
HE'S WITH THE DOCTOR.
LEAVE HIM ALONE, DAMN IT!
YOU'RE BEGINNING
TO BUG ME!
WHO LOCKED THE DOOR?
NO.
Albin: NO, NOT THAT.
"WHEN ONE IS PRESIDENT OF
THE UNION FOR MORAL ORDER,
"ONE TRIES TO PLAY DOWN ANY TIES
WITH LA CAGE AUX FOLLES.
"BY PUTTING A TRANSVESTITE
"IN MR. MANDERSTAM'S
BIRTHDAY CAKE,
"CHARRIER ADDED INDECENCY
TO THE RIDICULOUS.
THE VOTERS
WILL PASS JUDGMENT"
THAT, GENTLEMEN, IS HOW
YOU CONDEMN A MAN TO DEATH.
AN ARTICLE LIKE THAT
IS THE COUP DE GRÖCE!
WE'LL MAKE THE BASTARD
EAT HIS NEWSPAPER!
NO. NO, GENTLEMEN,
THE JOURNALISTS
AREN'T THE GUILTY ONES.
THE GUILTY ONES
ARE THOSE 2 PEOPLE
WHO ARE BRINGING DISHONOR
TO THE RIVIERA WITH
THEIR FILTHY NIGHTCLUB!
THAT DEPRAVED ITALIAN
AND THAT FRENCHMAN WHO IS
AN AFFRONT TO HIS RACE.
THOSE TWO--THEY
ARE THE GUILTY ONES!
WE'LL BUST
THEIR FACES IN!
WE'LL TEACH THOSE FAGGOTS
THE FACTS OF LIFE!
EXCUSE ME.
CAN WE GET THE RUG BACK?
WE'LL HAVE IT CLEANED,
THEN SEND IT BACK AS USUAL.
Albin: I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
ALL THESE CORPSES.
S.O.S. MEDICAL.
I'M DR. BOQUILLON.
OH, MICHAUX.
Michaux: YES?
THERE'S GONNA BE
ANOTHER TRIP.
OK.
DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER RUG?
NO, NO MORE RUGS!
DO YOUR DIRTY WORK
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Albin: WOULD YOU
TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE?
WHAT?
I WANT YOU
TO TAKE ME HOME NOW.
BUT YOU ARE HOME,
DARLING.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
OUR LIVING ROOM?
LOOK AT WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO HIM!
IF YOU KEEP THIS UP,
THE NEXT RUG
WILL BE FOR HIM!
HE HAS NOTHING TO FEAR.
WE'RE GOING
TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
FROM NOW ON,
WE DON'T LEAVE HIS SIDE.
WE'LL PROTECT HIM, DISCREETLY,
UNTIL THE GUYS SHOW THEMSELVES.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND, MEN?
CLOSE SURVEILLANCE,
BUT DISCREET.
YOU THINK
THAT'S DISCREET?
DON'T PAY ATTENTION
TO US. GO ON.
AAH! OOH!
SO MUCH FOR
DISCRETION.
IT'S A NATURAL
REFLEX.
TO GET THEM
OUT IN THE OPEN,
YOU'LL HAVE TO CHANGE
YOUR TACTICS.
NO, THAT'S NOT HIM.
LET'S TRY SOMETHING ELSE.
THE MAUVE, PERHAPS.
NO, I WON'T WEAR THAT.
DON'T ARGUE, MICHAUX!
SHUT UP!
WHAT ABOUT THE ONE
WITH THE MOUSTACHE?
I SEE HIM IN MY CAFTAN.
HE LOOKS LIKE A TURK.
HA HA! A TURK!
AND THE YOUNG ONE THERE,
HE'S LIKE ME.
HE CAN WEAR ANYTHING.
CUTE, ISN'T HE?
NOT REALLY.
COME ON, COME ON.
STOP, STOP, NO.
NO, THAT'LL NEVER DO!
YOU NEED
TO MAKE AN EFFORT
TO BE WORTHY
OF THESE CLOTHES.
PRETEND YOU'RE
WALKING A TIGHTROPE.
AND YOU, YOU WALK LIKE THIS.
IT'S UNATTRACTIVE.
LISTEN TO ME.
DRAW AN IMAGINARY LINE,
A LINE THAT SEPARATES
MAN FROM WOMAN.
YOU JUST HAVE TO WALK
ON IT, LIKE THIS.
YOU HAVE
TO LEARN TO MOVE
AS GRACEFULLY AND LIGHTLY
AS MY MARVELOUS ALBIN.
RIGHT?
THANK YOU, MY SWEET.
NOW LET'S SEE. WE CAN
START WITH HIM--LOUIS.
HE LOOKS LIKE
THE MOST GIFTED.
A LITTLE LIGHTER.
HOLD THE HANDS HIGHER.
NO, I CAN'T. I'M SORRY,
BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
THESE ARE FLOOZIES' CLOTHES!
Albin: THEY ARE NOT
FLOOZIES' CLOTHES!
ALL THE ELEGANT MEN
ARE WEARING THEM.
AND IF WE'RE TRYING
TO GIVE YOU
THE GRACE YOU LACK,
IT'S FOR THE BENEFIT
OF THIS MISSION, MADAME.
HE'S RIGHT.
WE'VE STARTED,
AND WE'RE GOING
TO SEE IT THROUGH!
CARRY ON.
I'M A MARRIED MAN
WITH 2 CHILDREN!
IT'S AN ORDER!
DON'T BE STUPID.
YOU'RE UP FOR
A PROMOTION.
NO LONG FACES NOW.
ALL TOGETHER NOW.
LINE UP WITH ME.
ABOUT FACE.
FORWARD...
MARCH!
RELAX YOUR WRIST.
LET IT HANG.
AHH. OOH!
AND LOOK AT THE MEN
AS THEY PASS.
MMM. HE'S SO HANDSOME.
LOOK AT MILAN.
HE'S GOT
REAL TALENT.
WHOO-HOO!
A LITTLE TOO MUCH TALENT,
PERHAPS.
HELLO, GIRLS.
EXCUSE ME.
FAG.
I SAID EXCUSE ME.
AND I SAID FAG.
EXCUSE ME.
FAG.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
UM...RENATO,
DON'T ANSWER.
COME ON.
HEY, JUST A MINUTE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
HE'S LOOKING
FOR A FIGHT.
DON'T ANSWER.
THAT'S
ENOUGH NOW.
I'M WARNING YOU.
THERE'LL BE TROUBLE.
THESE GIRLS
ARE REALLY SCARING US.
I ADVISE YOU
TO LET US PASS.
LOOK HOW SHE
CLENCHES HER FISTS.
I'LL BET SHE CAN
REALLY SCRATCH.
HEH HEH.
LET US THROUGH,
PLEASE.
GO ON.
OH! UHH!
THE LITTLE THING'S
NERVOUS.
I'LL CALM HER.
OH! OH!
OH! OH. OH, NO.
I'M FED UP WITH
ALL THIS BRUTALITY,
THIS VIOLENCE.
MY LORD.
IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.
CALM DOWN.
IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.
NO, IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
OH. WHAT'S THAT?
GET IN THE CAR.
OH, RENATO.
UH...HE HAS A GUN.
SORRY, GENTLEMEN.
WE THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR CAR.
GET IN THE CAR.
YES.
GET BACK!
THAT'S IT.
RIGHT IN THE LION'S DEN.
POOR DARLINGS.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING WHICH
IS OF INTEREST TO US.
WE'LL GIVE YOU $500,000,
NOT A CENT MORE.
WE'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT
TO GIVE YOU INSTRUCTIONS.
YOUR POSTERS ARE PRETTY.
Renato: OUR POSTERS?
YES, THEY MAKE YOU
WANT TO SEE THE SHOW.
AH, HOW SWEET OF YOU.
IF YOU DROP BY, I'LL MAKE
SURE YOU GET A GOOD SEAT.
HEH HEH HEH.
TAKE THIS.
EXCUSE ME?
PRESS THE RED BUTTON.
WHAT IS IT?
PRESS.
DON'T PRESS.
LET ME.
LEAVE IT ALONE.
LET ME DO IT.
NO!
SHOULD I PRESS IT?
YES.
YES. THERE.
AAH!
VOILA.
WHAT HAPPENED?
JUST A FEW DOZEN GRAMS.
IMAGINE WHAT 100
WILL DO IN THE CLUB...
DURING THE SHOW...
OR IN YOUR APARTMENT.
NO.
WE'LL CALL YOU LATER...
TO GET YOUR ANSWER.
I KNEW
THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
WITH MY POSTERS?
YOU'LL GO
TO THE RENDEZVOUS.
FINE.
WITH WHAT? WE DON'T
HAVE THE MICROFILM.
BUT THEY THINK
YOU DO.
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT THAT DAMN MICROFILM?
IT'S THE LIST
OF THEIR AGENTS
OPERATING IN FRANCE.
THEY'LL DO ANYTHING
TO GET IT BACK.
NO.
HELLO?
Man: TOMORROW
MORNING AT 6:00,
BE AT THE MONTCOULÈCHE
EXIT OF THE FREEWAY.
COME ALONE.
IF WE NOTICE
ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS,
YOU'LL BE SHOT
ON SIGHT.
THAT'S IT!
WE'VE GOT THEM!
YOU'LL GO
TO THE RENDEZVOUS.
WE'LL BE
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
RIGHT, AND WE
GET KILLED.
I WANT THE LEADER ALIVE.
I'LL QUESTION HIM
MYSELF.
GENTLEMEN,
YOU'RE IN A SITUATION
WHICH REQUIRES
COURAGE...
AND VIRILITY.
TODAY YOU HAVE
THE CHANCE TO BE REAL MEN.
SHALL WE GO?
YES, LET'S GO.
IF THERE'S SHOOTING,
JUMP INTO THE BUSHES.
AND IF THERE ARE
NO BUSHES?
DON'T ARGUE. JUMP,
AND WE DO THE REST.
IT WASN'T TRUE,
YOU KNOW.
WHAT?
THAT YOU'RE
LESS SEDUCTIVE.
IT WASN'T TRUE.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
NO, NO.
IT'S THE TRUTH.
I SWEAR YOU HAVEN'T
GOTTEN ANY FATTER
OR OLDER.
JUST A BIGGER
PAIN IN THE NECK.
HEH HEH.
THAT COULD BE.
NO ONE CAN SAY WE HAVEN'T
BEEN HAPPY TOGETHER.
OK...
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME BACK!
THEY'VE JAMMED
THE DOORS. DAMN IT!
YOUR PAPERS.
TAXI!
TO THE BORDER. FAST!
THERE'S A CAR
FOLLOWING US.
TRY TO LOSE IT.
OH!
DAMN QUEERS.
THAT CAR OVER BY CUSTOMS...
IT'S THE POLICE.
THERE?
I'M TELLING YOU THAT
JUST IN CASE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO
TO AVOID ANY PROBLEMS?
NO, NO. NO IDEA.
HEY.
OH, I CAN'T GO ON!
IT'S A MEDICAL PROBLEM.
I CAN'T WALK.
I HAVE FLAT FEET.
THAT'S HOW
I GOT MY DISCHARGE.
BECAUSE OF FLAT FEET?
YOU TOLD ME YOU APPEARED
BEFORE THE DRAFT BOARD
IN A SKIRT.
BUT THEY NOTICED
I HAD FLAT FEET.
WHEN I THINK WE COULD HAVE
GONE BY BOAT,
BUT NO,
WE'RE HERE JOGGING. OH!
HARBORS, TRAIN STATIONS,
AND AIRPORTS,
ARE THE FIRST PLACES
THE POLICE CHECK, IDIOT.
OH, YES, AND YOU THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO HIDE OUT AT
YOUR FAMILY'S IN ITALY?
BRAVO. HA HA. THAT THEY
WON'T LOOK FOR US THERE?
IN ITALY, WHEN A MAN
GOES INTO HIDING,
EVERYONE BECOMES
HIS ACCOMPLICE.
THE COPS
CAN'T DO A THING.
THOSE 2 QUEERS YOU
PICKED UP THIS MORNING,
WHERE DID YOU TAKE THEM?
Renato: WE'VE
CROSSED THE BORDER.
WE'RE IN ITALY?
YES.
OH, IN ITALY! OH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I FORGOT MY POWDER.
I CAN'T GO INTO ITALY
LOOKING LIKE THIS. OH!
YOU CAN'T MEET MY FAMILY
LOOKING LIKE THAT.
BUT WHY?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
INTRODUCE YOU?
AS A FRIEND.
HAVE YOU LOOKED
AT YOURSELF?
YOU KNOW, ONCE,
IN MY VILLAGE,
THE BUTCHER'S SON HAD AN AFFAIR
WITH THE BLACKSMITH'S SON.
AND THEN?
AND THEN THE FATHER
KILLED THEM,
BASHED THEIR HEADS IN.
HOW HORRIBLE.
RENATO!
MAYBE WE SHOULD
GO TO SWITZERLAND.
NO. YOU'RE
COMING HOME WITH ME.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THESE CLOTHES.
I FEEL AWFUL.
I FEEL SAD. I FEEL OLD.
AND TO THINK
THAT JUST 3 DAYS AGO,
I WAS SUCH A HIT
IN "THE BLUE ANGEL."
LOOK WHAT'S
HAPPENED TO ME!
I'VE AGED 50 YEARS
IN 3 DAYS.
NONSENSE.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?
NOTHING. YOU LOOK
LIKE A REAL MATRON.
BRAVO. THAT WAS
JUST THE THING TO SAY.
I'M THIRSTY. WILL YOU GET
ME SOMETHING TO DRINK?
WE'RE JUST STOPPING
FOR A MINUTE.
BE NICE. IF I DON'T GET
SOMETHING, I'LL FAINT.
FINE.
YOU COULD PUT YOURSELF
OUT A LITTLE.
THERE'S NOTHING HERE.
NOT EVEN A SNACK BAR.
WE'RE IN THE STICKS.
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
DON'T BOTHER
TO APOLOGIZE.
EXCUSE ME.
RENATO!
RENATO! AAH!
ALBIN, GET OFF
AT THE NEXT STATION!
AAH!
STOP THE TRAIN!
WHOO-WHOO! WHOO!
HEH HEH.
FATHER.
SISTERS.
YOUR REVERENCE.
YOU'RE
HERE AT LAST.
I'VE BEEN HERE
FOR A WHILE,
BUT YOU DON'T
GIVE A DAMN.
HOLD THIS.
QUIET. THE NUNS
ARE LOOKING AT YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
SOMEONE MIGHT
RECOGNIZE US.
HURRY.
JUST A SECOND.
LET'S GO.
WE MUSTN'T KEEP
YOUR MOTHER WAITING.
THE SHEET ISN'T STRAIGHT.
PULL IT ON YOUR SIDE.
IT'S ALL WRINKLED.
AND YOU,
DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GET THE OTHER ROOM READY.
WHY DON'T THEY
SLEEP TOGETHER?
I HAVEN'T BEEN INFORMED
OF THIS MARRIAGE.
AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED,
THEY ARE NOT MARRIED.
THE CHANGE OF AIR
WILL DO ME GOOD.
IT'S BEEN AGES
SINCE I'VE BEEN
IN THE COUNTRY.
I'M THRILLED ABOUT
MEETING YOUR MOTHER.
WHAT SHOULD I
CALL HER? HMM?
MRS. BALDI,
OR MOTHER?
MAMA. AHH.
RENATO. MY BOY.
AH, OH, MY BOY.
MADAME.
COME IN.
COME HERE A MINUTE.
LADIES.
WHY DID YOU KEEP
YOUR MARRIAGE A SECRET?
IT'S JUST
THAT IT HAPPENED
ON THE SPUR
OF THE MOMENT.
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
WHY HAVE YOU COME BACK,
RENATO?
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR ME.
YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE ME,
MOTHER. I'M ON THE RUN.
YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE ME.
YOU DID SOMETHING
FOOLISH, HUH?
YES.
RENATO, DID YOU
KILL A MAN?
OVER A WOMAN?
UH...
YES.
OVER THAT ONE?
COME.
WE'LL HIDE YOU
AS LONG AS NEED BE.
YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE.
WE'RE USED TO
THIS SORT OF THING.
THANK YOU, MOTHER.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
NOW GET TO WORK.
EXCUSE ME?
GET TO WORK.
ALL THE WOMEN HERE
WORK.
BUT, MOTHER...
DID YOU HEAR
YOUR MOTHER?
YES. IT'S NOT
HUMILIATING.
THAT'S THE WAY
IT IS HERE.
GO HELP
WITH THE COOKING.
OK, I HEARD YOU!
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
HELLO, LADIES. HA HA!
EXCUSE ME...
HA HA HA HA!
MY GOD, WHAT A NASTY JOB.
JUST LOOK AT THIS.
TELL HER TO USE
LESS PERFUME
AND TO LEARN HOW TO KNEAD
THE PASTA DOUGH.
YES, MOTHER.
COME ON. LET'S DRINK
TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
HA HA HA!
YOO-HOO! IT'S ME!
GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M MRS. BALDI.
HOW ARE ALL OF YOU?
ISN'T MOTHER HERE?
SORRY IF I'M
A LITTLE LATE.
I WANTED TO FRESHEN UP
BEFORE DINNER.
HA! IS EVERYTHING OK
IN THE FIELDS?
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY?
YES? GOOD.
I'D LOVE A LITTLE
DROP OF WINE.
I'M VERY THIRSTY.
AAH!
WHAT HAPPENED?
MY DRESS, SWEETIE.
MY DRESS.
I'D REALLY LIKE
A DROP OF WINE.
I'M DYING OF THIRST.
IT MUST BE THE HEAT.
I HELPED MAKE
THE DINNER.
IS EVERYTHING OK?
IT'S FUN TO COOK
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I'VE NEVER
ROLLED NOODLES BEFORE.
WHOO-HOO! HA HA HA!
A LITTLE SECRET.
THE WOMEN DON'T SIT
WITH THE MEN HERE.
YES? WHAT'S
GOTTEN INTO YOU?
SOME WINE.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YES.
SO HIS MAJESTY
IS TIRED?
OH, YES. HELP ME
OFF WITH MY SHOES.
TAKE OFF MY SHOES.
TOMORROW MORNING
WE HAVE TO BE UP AT 4:00.
YOU HAVE TO
PREPARE LUNCH FOR ME
AND ALL THE MEN
WORKING IN THE FIELD.
FOR EVERYONE?
LISTEN, RENATO.
I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BEING A MAN.
I DON'T LIKE BEING
A WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY.
I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!
JUST LOOK AT
THE STATE I'M IN.
I'VE HAD...I'VE HAD...
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
MADAME BALDI?
YES.
I HAVE A MONEY ORDER
FOR RENATO BALDI.
RENATO BALDI
IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
REALLY?
THAT'S TOO BAD.
IT'S A GOOD DEAL
OF MONEY.
HE HASN'T BEEN HERE
IN 20 YEARS,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE HE IS.
FINE. WE'LL
JUST KEEP IT THEN,
BUT WE'LL BE BACK.
THANK YOU,
MRS. BALDI.
HELLO.
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
IF RENATO SAW YOU,
HE WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
I'M NOT THE ONLY
PRETTY GIRL ON THE FARM.
TAKE LAURA, FOR EXAMPLE.
SHE'S CHARMING.
WITHOUT HER MOUSTACHE,
SHE'D BE ME 20 YEARS AGO.
I'M NO DIFFERENT
FROM THE OTHERS.
IT'S JUST THAT
I'M A NEW FACE.
YOU EXCITE ME.
YES, FINE,
BUT IT'S WRONG.
VERY WRONG.
YOU'RE FORGETTING RENATO.
YOU MUSTN'T SAY
SUCH THINGS TO ME.
RENATO.
SWEAR TO ME. SWEAR YOU'LL
NEVER TRY TO SEE ME AGAIN.
GO ON, SWEAR IT.
WHAT'S WRONG?
THEY'RE ON OUR TRAIL.
WE CAN'T STAY HERE.
OH!
LUIGI, TAKE THEM
TO THE SHEPHERD'S HUT
AND STAY WITH THEM.
I'M ENTRUSTING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. BALDI.
YOU'LL BE SAFE
WITH LUIGI.
HE'S THE BEST SHOOTER
IN THESE MOUNTAINS.
WE'LL STOP AT LUIGI'S HOUSE
TO GET PROVISIONS
AND SOME MEN'S CLOTHES
FOR YOUR WIFE.
WHAT?
THERE ARE ONLY MEN, ONLY
SHEPHERDS, IN THE MOUNTAINS.
A WOMAN WOULD BE
VERY CONSPICUOUS,
ESPECIALLY THAT ONE.
SHE HAS TO PASS
FOR A MAN, RENATO.
YOU'LL WEAR THIS
TO HIDE YOUR HAIR.
LET HER CHANGE.
WE HAVE TO HURRY.
WE'VE WASTED
ENOUGH TIME.
I'M NOT GOING TO DRESS
LIKE A MAN, RENATO.
DON'T ARGUE. HURRY AND
PUT ON THESE CLOTHES.
BUT IT'LL SHOW!
WHAT WILL SHOW?
THAT I'M A MAN.
DON'T COUNT ON IT.
IN ANY CASE, I WON'T
PUT A CAP OVER MY WIG.
YOU DRESS LIKE A MAN,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
YOU'RE A WOMAN WHO IS
DRESSED LIKE A MAN.
COULD YOU REPEAT THAT,
PLEASE?
NO, NO. SOME OTHER TIME.
AND REMEMBER,
KEEP YOUR BOSOM.
YOU'RE NOT A MAN
DRESSED LIKE A WOMAN.
YOU'RE A WOMAN
DISGUISED AS A MAN.
IS THAT CLEAR?
I'M A WOMAN...
DISGUISED AS A MAN.
VOILA. I'M READY.
SEEN FROM AFAR,
SHE COULD PASS.
FROM VERY FAR.
CAREFUL, MADAME.
HA! CALL ME MISTER,
LUIGI.
IT'LL AROUSE
LESS SUSPICION.
AH, HA HA!
CAREFUL.
VOILA, MADAME.
YES.
SHALL I CARRY YOU?
NO, I'M FINE.
SHE'S NOT MADE
OF GLASS.
IT'S A DIFFICULT CLIMB
FOR A WOMAN.
IT'S NOT EASY.
VOILA. HERE'S
THE LOOKOUT POST.
IT OVERLOOKS
THE WHOLE VALLEY.
AH.
AS LONG AS I'M HERE
WITH MY GUN,
YOU CAN SLEEP
IN PEACE.
THE SHEPHERD'S HUT
IS OVER THERE.
LADIES FIRST.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
THANK YOU, LUIGI.
OH, IT'S
CERTAINLY RUSTIC.
YOU'LL SLEEP HERE,
MADAME.
THANKS, LUIGI.
AND YOU, OVER THERE.
I'LL BE UP
AT THE LOOKOUT.
YOU'LL BE
WELL-PROTECTED, MADAME.
I'LL WALK YOU
TO THE DOOR.
GOOD NIGHT...
LITTLE PRINCESS.
GOOD NIGHT.
THAT YOU HAVE NO RESPECT
FOR ME, THAT'S ONE THING,
BUT HAVE SOME RESPECT
FOR YOURSELF.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
ME? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO
BE SHOT BY THAT MORON.
WHOSE FAULT IS IT?
YOU'VE BEEN
ASKING FOR IT.
LOOK AT THE WAY
YOU'VE BEEN TREATING ME.
SUCH BRUTALITY!
IT'S SHOCKING.
YOU'RE UGLY, RENATO.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
JEALOUSLY HAS DISFIGURED YOU.
YOU'RE VERY UGLY.
UHH! THE MAN
I LOVED IS GONE!
AND SO IS THE ONE
I LOVED.
NEVER HAVE YOU BEEN
MORE RIDICULOUS!
COME ON. HURRY.
ALBIN, GET BACK
INTO PANTS AT ONCE.
SO YOU CAN
INSULT ME AGAIN?
WHAT DO YOU
INTEND TO DO?
PARDON?
WITH THAT
POOR HALF-WIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
IN ANY CASE,
IT CAN'T GO VERY FAR.
HE HAS NO EDUCATION.
HE IS A BIT UNCOUTH.
AND YOU ARE
NOT A WOMAN.
OH, YOU KNOW, RENATO,
YOU'RE A REAL KILLJOY.
ARE YOU OK?
YOU DO EVERYTHING
TO HURT ME, RENATO.
DON'T EXAGGERATE.
OH, I'M NOT
EXAGGERATING.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU.
OH, NO.
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE!
AND I'M GETTING
THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
I'VE HAD IT.
ALL RIGHT, GO!
GOOD-BYE!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!
A LITTLE TROUT
FOR MY LITTLE PRINCESS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
IS IT THAT BASTARD
WHO'S MAKING YOU CRY?
I'LL KILL HIM!
LUIGI!
RENATO!
HELLO.
RENATO.
HELLO.
DON'T SCREAM.
NOT A WORD.
THE OTHERS ARE OUT THERE.
JUST ACT NATURAL.
THAT'S FINE.
JUST LIKE THAT.
YOU BASTARD!
WHO'S THAT?
SOME NUT.
COME ON!
WHAT ABOUT ALBIN?
SO THE MICROFILM
GOT TO ITALY
TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN
ON ITS OWN.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT THE MICROFILM.
I JUST WANT TO FIND ALBIN.
YOU BETTER GIVE A DAMN.
IT MAY BE OUR ONLY MEANS
OF GETTING HIM BACK.
WHY?
IF IT IS THE LIST
OF THEIR AGENTS,
WE'LL KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE TO FIND HIM.
MAKE HIM SHUT UP!
I CAN'T MAKE HIM TALK
AND SHUT UP AT THE SAME TIME.
Albin: AAH!
I'VE HAD
ENOUGH OF THIS!
AAH!
ENOUGH, ENOUGH,
ENOUGH!
I WAS GIVING HIM
A TRUTH SERUM.
WE'RE GIVEN IT
TO HIM 3 TIMES.
AND ALL HE ADMITTED
WAS THAT HE WAS A HOMOSEXUAL.
30 CCs OF PENTOTHAL TO HAVE
HIM SAY HE'S HOMOSEXUAL.
IT'S A BEGINNING, NO?
WE'VE ALREADY WASTED
A LOT OF TIME.
MOUGEOTTE.
DEAR MOUGEOTTE.
TELL US WHERE
THE MICROFILM IS,
OR I'LL PUT A BULLET
IN YOUR HEAD!
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE IT IS!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT MICROFILM IS.
I DON'T KNOW!
TELEPHONE.
HI.
WHAT?
NO NEED TO LOOK FURTHER.
THEY HAVE IT.
THEY'VE ARRESTED
MARTIN AND DUPRÉ.
BASTARDS! THEY'VE
INFILTRATED OUR RING.
YOU SOLD IT
TO THE OTHER SIDE.
EXCUSE ME? HEH HEH.
AAH! NO!
YOU CHOSE THE WRONG CAMP.
TOO BAD.
NO! DON'T KILL ME!
I DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING!
Man on bullhorn:
THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED.
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.
GIVE YOURSELVES UP.
ON YOUR FEET.
HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.
AAH!
WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?
IF YOU TRY SOMETHING,
I'LL KILL HER!
DON'T MAKE IT WORSE
FOR YOURSELVES.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
WE WON'T HURT YOU.
ALBIN, I'M HERE!
DON'T WORRY ANYMORE.
YOUR RENATO IS HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA
RUIN EVERYTHING!
Albin: RENATO,
I WANT TO GO HOME!
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
SHUT UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
DON'T TALK TO ME
IN THAT TONE OF VOICE.
DON'T GET SO EXCITED.
I'LL KEEP STILL.
TIE HIM UP!
LISTEN TO ME.
THE BASTARDS
TOOK A SHOT AT ME!
ASK FOR A PLANE.
HMM?
IN EXCHANGE
FOR WHAT?
FOR THAT.
FOR THAT THING?
WOULD YOU EXCHANGE
A PLANE FOR THAT?
A CHILD, A WOMAN,
A PRIEST, YES. BUT THAT?
PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. OW!
YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES,
OR WE'LL OPEN FIRE.
COME AND GET US,
YOU BASTARDS!
THEY WOULDN'T SHOOT.
AFTER ALL,
THERE'S A HOSTAGE IN HERE.
ARE YOU COLD?
I'M AFRAID.
40 SECONDS!
DON'T SHOOT!
ALBIN'S IN THERE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?
30 SECONDS!
SO I'M NOT EVEN A HOSTAGE.
I'M NOTHING AT ALL.
I'M NOT THE BLUE ANGEL.
I'M NOT A PRINCESS.
I'M NOT EVEN A HOSTAGE.
GOOD, THEN.
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
HUH.
I'M GOING TO RENATO.
Broca: READY UP THERE?
WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?
I'M GOING TO ALBIN.
ARE YOU OK, ALBIN?
I'M ALL RIGHT, RENATO.
AND YOU?
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
YES?
THE SECRETARY OF STATE?
YES, PUT HIM THROUGH.
AH.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. SECRETARY.
YES, I'M FINE.
FINE, THANK YOU,
MR. SECRETARY.
ME?
ME, MR. SECRETARY?
BUT WHY ME?
AH.
IT'S THE DEPUTY.
OH, SORRY.
MONSIEUR, YOUR COURAGE
HAS ENABLED US
TO PUT AN END TO
A DANGEROUS SPY RING.
THE GOVERNMENT
HAS ASKED ME
TO EXPRESS ITS THANKS
AND ITS CONGRATULATIONS.
A PHOTO OF
THE THREE OF YOU.
Albin: A PHOTO?
COME, COME THIS WAY.
HOW'S THIS?
Photographer:
A LITTLE CLOSER.
CLOSER?
I'M CLOSE ENOUGH.
YES, WELL,
SIT DOWN.
YES, YES.
THERE, THANK YOU.
AAH!
NO PICTURES, NO PICTURES!
NO PICTURES, NO PICTURES!
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