La Cage aux Folles 3: The Wedding (1985) - full transcript

Third and final version of the La Cage aux Folles series has Renato's drag queen lover Albin learning that he can inherit a vast fortune from a distant relative. But the catch is that Albin must marry (a woman) and produce a heir within a year or the whole inheritance will be forfeited.

  ♪ Now it's up to me

♪ To make my world a happy one

  ♪ Set my feelings free

  ♪ To let the sun shine in

  ♪ Too late now to turn around

  ♪ To let the shadows
  bring me down

  ♪ I've got to try
  and if I fall

  ♪ I'll fall and I
  will rise again

  ♪ Set my feelings free

♪ I know that all I need to do

♪ Somehow will be done

  ♪ 'Cause it is done

  ♪ For you can't make believe

  ♪ I'm someone else

♪ I know it's up to me

  ♪ Too late now to turn around

  ♪ I know the way I want to be

♪ I see the life
I want to lead

♪ I know the one
I want with me ♪




 Albin? Albin! and eight.

 And now, one
 and two and three
 and four and five.

And one and two
and three and four.
Extend now.

 One and two and three...


 ALBIN: Yes! All right,
 I'm coming!
 Now, I've hurt myself.

 Here we are.
 You see what happens
 when I'm rushed.

Oh, the whole thing is
outrageous. Outrageous.

 Oh, look at me.
 What do you think?

 You look ravishing!
 An undertaker.
 A blackbird.

 A horror! I expect people
 will throw stones at me.

 I look ridiculous like this.
 What do you mean

 You look absolutely normal.

 Oh, yes. Oh, it's normal
 to look dreary and miserable
 when you dress this way.

 Oh, sure. With a pair
 of bangles in your ears,
 you'd look much happier.


 No. Come to Mummy.
 Oh, here we are
 my little Rambo.

 Now, you will
 look after Rambo
 for me, won't you?

 But why don't you take him
 to Scotland with you?

 To Scotland?
 No, they don't let animals
 into the country.

 Oh, no. I'd never get him
 past the customs.

 But after all,
 he's only stuffed.

 Oh, simply...
 But, no, stuffed.

Oh, you can't go to Scot...

 Oh, well!
 Do look, the mistress
 in fancy dress.

 Oh! You see,
 the insults are starting!

 Jacob, just go look
 for me in the kitchen!

 ALBIN: Thank you.

 Goodbye now, my pet.
 Say to Mummy,
 "Goodbye, Mummy.

 "Goodbye, Mummy."

 God bless. Oh!

  ♪ I'll take the high road
  and you'll take the... ♪



 DANCER: Oh, my dear,
 I don't believe it!


 All dolled up like a pig!
 Oh, look! It's Tyrone Power!

 Do you think she's wearing
 a bra underneath all that?

 Boys! That will be
 enough of that.

 Just ignore them.


 Come on. Come on.
 Let's go.

 Hurry up.
 You'll miss the plane.

 Why are you shuffling
 like that?
 Come on, hurry!

 All right.
 I can't walk properly
 in flat shoes.

 You know that.
 I lose my balance.
 It's terrible.

 Be serious, Albin.

 In Scotland,
 you've got to
 present yourself

 as being respectable
 when the lawyers
 read the will.

 You can't turn up in
 high heels. For God's
 sake, be reasonable.

 Oh, I can't bear it.
 My clothes itch,
 my socks, my trousers.

 Everything itches.
 It's quite impossible.
 Look who's there.

Oh! the Party of Order
 and Morality

 of which I am honored
 to be president

 would like me,
 for the final time, to
 extend congratulations

 for your high moral tone
 in this region.


Hello, darling.

 You see Mumsie's awful rags?
 You know why?
 But you look fine.

 Oh, hear the boy?
 Going to Scotland
 for the inheritance?

 Actually I feel more like
 I'm going to a funeral
 or something.

 Just look at me, dear.

 Nonsense! Excuse me,
 I have to go to work.

 Of course.
 Should we go and
 kiss your father-in-law?

Not here. He'll have
a stroke on the spot.
 Bye, Mummy.

 See you, Papa.

 Come on, let's go.
 I hope he didn't see us.

Now hurry up.
Just walk properly.

Try to look
as inconspicuous
as possible.


 Gentlemen, let me say that
 I'm very satisfied with this
 visit I made to your province.

 Thank you.
 Thank you.

 MAN: Thank you, Mr. Charrier.

 I don't have to remind you
 how important to us
 this inheritance is.

As you know,
we are faced with
a total financial disaster.

 So will you please...
 You see that
 cheeky boy over there,

 eyeing you up like that?

 That gigolo there.
 He's looking at you.

 See him?
 Flirting with you.

 Who, me?
 Yes, you. Not me.

 Listen, Albin.
 Whatever happens,
 we've got to do something

 about settling our debts.
 And this...

 Oh, it's ridiculous.
 Why isn't that man
 looking my way?

 Obviously this suit makes me
 completely invisible.

 I blend into the walls,
 just like part of the airport.

 (GROANS) I can't stand
 much more of it.

 Come on,
 let's sit somewhere else.
 Come along.

 I'd really like
 to slap your face
 but I'm not going to.

 Ogling people you don't know.
 Wherever were you brought up?


 Goodbye, darling.
 Just remember not to make
 an exhibition of yourself.


 MAN: Passport.

 My passport.
 Do what you like.

 My feet hurt.
 Oh, these shoes.
 Problem with my feet.

 Thank you, dear.

 Our bags, bagages. Yes.

 Here we are.



 Sir, this way, please.

 Me? Do you see me?
 Come along, sir.
 This way.

 Here I come.

 You've set off the alarm.

 How awful.
 It's never happened
 to me before, I swear.

 You see, I... Oh.

 Empty your pockets, please.

 Come along, sir.
 Empty your pockets.

I feel like a spy.
You mean you want to see...

Take a look.
This is my everyday makeup.

 Now this is different,
 you see?

 I think you must have
 some metal object on you.

 Metal, yes.

But I've already...

 Yes, metal.
Yes, of course,
I have some.

 I have this. It's metal.
 Interesting, isn't it?
 I'll open it.

 Yes, that's all right, sir.
 Thank you, sir. Thank you.
 There we are.

 Well, you can see
 for yourself. I think
 this one's enchanting.

 See what you think.
 Isn't it? Little more?

Might be a trifle pale.

 But for you, something
 more rugged like that.
 Madam, this way, please.

 Thank you, ma'am.
 There we are. Hmm.
 He's gone off and left me.

 Oh! He didn't care.
 All right, I don't mind.
 I just don't believe it.

He asked to see my things
then when I show him,
he's not interested at all.

He thinks
we're drug-traffickers.

I'm not a trafficker,
all right? I've got powder,
a bit of face powder.

 He didn't even give me
 a proper body search.


 It's outrageous, to make

 what I can only call these
 scandalous insinuations

which you may think
mean absolutely nothing

 but which I find
 grossly insulting.

 Welcome to Scotland,
 Mr. Mougeotte.

 Now you're here,
 we'll be able to proceed
 with the reading of the will.

 The other side, please.

 The other side. Yes.

 Good morning, sir.

 Here we are.

 Come along.
 Cover yourself up, dear.
 Cover yourself.

 That's what the blanket's for.
 There we are.

 DULAC: Here we are.

  If the ground
  plan which my colleague in
  Aberdeen sent me is correct,

 your late Aunt Emma's estate
 starts just here

 and then stretches
 all the way to the sea
 down there.

 Oh, but the sea is
 such a long way away.

 It certainly is.
 But the estate
 goes even further.

 Oh, very good.
 It goes even further, nice.

 But does that mean
 the sea is mine, or...

 Sorry, no.
 No, the sea. You know?
 The sea.

Yes, it's mine.

 No, no. Sorry, no.
 I'm afraid not.
No, it's not.

 DULAC: All inland waters,
 rivers, burns, lochs, yes.
 But the sea, no.

 ALBIN: The sea, no?

 Now here are your fields,
 you see?

 Ah! And some
 of your farm laborers.

 LABORER: Aye, mornin'.


 DULAC: All those sheep
 are yours.

 All these trees are yours
 and here are some
 of your woodcutters.

 Oh, beautiful specimens.

 Some of them are more
 than 200 years old.

 The woodcutters?

 Oh, excuse me.
 The trees you mean.
 Of course.

 No, I thought you meant
 the woodcutters. I'm sorry.

 A little misunderstanding
 there. No problem.

 And here we have your castle
 and these are your servants,
 Mr. Mougeotte.



Oh, how nice.

 Very pleased
 to welcome you, sir.


 This way, sir.

Oh, yes.
Excuse me.

 Good day to you, sir.
 I'm Mrs. McPherson, sir.

And this is Angela.
 Oh, yes. Angela.
 How do you do?

 How do you do?

 Oh, what a sweetie.

 Oh, but they're all...
 They're all charming.

 Here we have the kitchen staff
 and the ground staff, sir.

 Oh, how do you do?
We already met.

 Oh, sorry. Oh, this is
 very, very confusing.

  Oh, the kitchen staff!
  Bon appetit.

 Oh, half of Scotland.
 Don't be disappointed.

 After all, half is better
 than nothing, isn't it?
 Oh, yes.

 Oh, they're all wearing kilts.

 Oh, my dear,
 they're all quite superb.
 In fact what's more,

 what do you say
 to a new dance, eh?

 Yes! To put in the revue.
 We'll replace the bees ballet

 with a Scots extravaganza.

 Oh, no! You beast!
 You are terrible.
 Don't be so crude.

 Don't worry now.
 All our problems are solved,
 aren't they?

 There'll be plenty of money.
 Oh, before you go,
 let me tell you,

 I'm in here like
 a little gentleman.

 Yes, you needn't worry.
 Oh, believe me,
 quite restrained.

 Yeah. And you.

 And you. I must go now.
 Nice Mr. Dulac
 has just walked in.

 Yes, but don't worry.
 Silly boy.

 Yes, what is it?

 We have to get on
 with the reading
 of the will, sir.

 (LAUGHS) I was just...
 Oh, dear, I'm quite flustered.

 Please, this way,
 Mr. Mougeotte.

 Let me introduce you
 to Mr. Kennedy,
 the executor of the estate.

 Mr. Mortimer Woodson,
 your cousin.

Do please sit down,

 We will now read the last
 will and testament
 of your maternal aunt,

 the late
 Miss Emma MacGovern.

 Please proceed.


 "This is my last will
 and testament.

 "I leave to my nephew,
 Albin Mougeotte..."



"...the following bequeath.
The estate Manor Whalsey,

"and all my stocks, shares,
bonds and securities

"which are valued currently
at 10 million pounds..."

 (WHISPERING) That'll be
 one hundred million francs
 at least.


"...and which are deposited
in the Aberdeen branch of
Barclays Bank.

 "And in addition,
 the title Duke of Wellington."

 I prefer duchess. Sorry.

This legacy has a condition
attached to it.

 And if this is not respected
 by the said Albin Mougeotte...


 ...he will be disinherited
 and will forfeit everything to
 his cousin Mortimer Woodson.

 This is the condition.

 "My beneficiary,
 Mr. Mougeotte,
 must have a wife

"to whom he is
legally married

"and a legitimate child
by the said wife
within 18 months

 "from the date of
 the reading of my will."

 (GASPS) Would you
 repeat that, please?
 I didn't quite...

 No, I'll explain it.
Excuse us. Yes.

 You see,
 you have to be married.



 You must be married.
 Yes, but with

a female?

 Oh, yes, naturally,
 and have a child.




 Mr. Mougeotte.
 Mr. Mougeotte.

 It's all right.
 Mr. Mougeotte.

 (GRUNTING) Come on now,
 Mr. Mougeotte.

 Mr. Mougeotte,
 pull yourself together.

 What time does
 the next plane go?

 At 5:00, I think.

 It's all right,
 Mr. Mougeotte.
 There you go.

 That's it.
 Can you manage?

 Take it easy.


 Yes, I'll be with you
 in a moment, Mr. Mougeotte.



Ah, yes.
Mr. Mougeotte!

 Mr. Mougeotte!

 Well, Mr. Kennedy,
 what do you think?

 I think you're about to
 become enormously wealthy.


 Oh, no.
 Now it's raining as well.

 That's Scotland for you.



 Mr. Mougeotte,
 I understand your problem,
 believe me.

Some problem, dear.

 But surely for 10 million,

 wouldn't it be
 at least worth a try?
 Don't you think?

I wouldn't dream of it,
Mr. Dulac.

Some things are impossible.
Even for 10 million.

 Would you marry me
 for example,
 for 10 million?

 Mmm. Well, I might.

 Are you really
 serious about me?
 Mad fool.

 Let's get this clear, Dulac.
 There never was
 an inheritance.

 It was a misunderstanding,

 We won't mention it again.

 Mr. Mougeotte,
 I beg you to reconsider.

Mr. Mougeotte.

Ten million pounds.

 Look at the documents.
 It's all there.

 but I understand everything.
 It's perfectly simple.


My bag, please.
My case and my hat box.
Thank you.


 Ah, Renato.

 Oh, I feel as if I've
 been away for an eternity.

 How much?

 An eternity.
 No, I mean how much?

 How much of what?

Isn't it customary
to begin with some
sort of polite comment?

 For example,
 "How are you?

"Did you have good weather?
Was it a nice trip?

 "Did you remember
 to wear your woolly?"

 If I must. I hope you
 remembered to wear
 a sweater in the evening.

 A little late, young man.

 Fine. And now,
 perhaps you can tell me
 how things went in Scotland.

 I have the right to
 know that at least.

 No sunshine.
 Lots of rain.

 I get the horrors when
 I'm flying. There's
 nothing else to tell you.

 Oh, really?
 You haven't mentioned
 the inheritance, the castle.

 And how about the money?

That was a mistake.

 A mistake?
 Yes, a mistake...




Oh, no. Stop that.
It's grotesque. Oh!

 I thought that's
 what you wanted.

 I don't want it anymore.
 I've just decided
 to cancel it.

 Throw away the bagpipe tape,
 will you?

Oh, I never want to hear
another bagpipe in my life.

 I never want
 to hear Scotland
 mentioned ever again.


 It's not my fault.

 It was a mistake I tell you.
What are you talking about?

 It couldn't possibly
 be a mistake.

 Lawyers just don't
 make mistakes.

 No, no. Unfortunately,
 in this kind of business,

 errors are very frequent,
 you see?

 (STAMMERING) Can't avoid them.
 I mean, when I got there,
 to, uh,

 talk to the lawyer
 it, uh, turned out
 they were looking for

 someone called Albert.

 Oh, I said, "No,
 before we go any further
 my name is Albin."

 "Oh, no,
 I want Albert Mougeois."

 I think it was a Mougeois.

 "Oh! My name is
 Albin Mougeotte."

 "Albin Mougeotte?"
 He said, "No, Albert Moug..."

 And I said,
 "Fine. In that case
 it's obviously not me."

 And what have
 you got in here?

 Oh, it's only a few brochures,
 you know.

 Brochures, tourist guides.
 Do I have to endure
 this grilling?

 I'm quite exhausted
 enough already,
 if you don't mind.

 Mistress, did you remember
 to wear a sweater, honey?

 Oh, you love.
 Somebody thinks about me.

What about the inheritance?
You brought all the money
with you?

Get out!


 Right. If you don't mind,
 I'm quite worn out and
 I'm going to freshen up.

 I'm very tired
 so I shall take off
 this humiliating outfit

 and run a bath because
 I feel quite dead.

 You heard that? Dead.

 Dead. Dead. Dead.

 Excuse me!

Oh, la, la.
I can see it's going
to be a terrible winter.



 Well, look at that.
 A voyeur at the key hole.
 How vulgar.

 Albin, do you know
 who telephoned me
 this morning?

 Only the bank manager.

 And guess how big
 our overdraft is?

 Ah, no.
 Mustn't talk about money.


 If we don't get our hands
 on this inheritance,
 we are ruined.

That's it. Catastrophe.
We're finished.

 Albin, can you hear me?



 I hurt your eye,
 my angel?



 Feeling fit now,
 are we, girls? Good.

 Everybody ready?

 DANCER: Wanna see
 my dying swan?

 Why is she always late
 for rehearsals?
 I don't know.

 Zaza. Zaza!

 Here I am.
 There we are.
 Oh, la, la.


 Here I am.

It's a success, no?

 Oh, and I'm much thinner.

 A real wasp waist.

 (GASPS) A bee, Renato!
 Not a wasp.

 We'll begin by trying out
 the equipment
 for the aerial number.

 Armand, you ready?

 Fasten me tightly.

Be careful, can't you?

 Come on, let's go.
 Up, up, up.

 Go, go, go.

Easy does it.
Slowly. Up, up.

 Good. Very nice.
 Well done, boys.

I really feel I'm flying.
No, no, don't let go.
No, keep hold of my feet,

 just in case. That's it.


 Don't worry, it's quite safe.

 You're sure it'll hold me?

Yeah, don't worry about it.
Places, girls.

  Places, places.
  Up, up now.

ALBIN: Oh, I'm flying.
I'm flying.
  Up, up. Come on.

  Oh, Renato.
  Queen bee. Up, up.
  Queen bee.

  Not so high.


  No, no, no.
  Too high. Too high.

  Now, take down the bee.
  Slowly, slowly.


Mrs. Petipas.


Can't you see
that this is a very
dangerous operation?

 Please wait until
 I have finished before
 doing the cleaning.

 MAN: Okay, let's start again.

I'm queen of the bees.

  PETIPAS: Bees don't go,
  "Za-za-za-za." They go "zzz."

She's right, you know.
They do go "zzz."

 ALBIN: Oh, come on,
  Mrs. Petipas, how many times
  do I have to tell you,

  if you must clean something,
  go and clean
  the tables outside.

  Oh, just go away.

  All right, girls. Come on.
  Let's get started again now.

  Come on. Let's try
  all the bees together.

ALBIN: Come on, girls.
 MAN: Now the queen.

 After me.



 "I leave to my nephew,
 Albin Mougeotte,
 all my worldly goods..."

 Ah. "...together with
 all my estate at Whalsey.

 "The castle, out buildings,
 and the title of
 lord of the manor."

 Ah, he's a millionaire
 after all, the lying toad.

 "And a stock portfolio
 to the value of..."


 "...ten million sterling."

Ten million.


 Ten million.
 What's that?

Where are you, Renato?

 That's 100 million francs!
 Coming in a minute.

 "But this legacy
 is on one condition.

 "My nephew, Albin Mougeotte,
 must be married
 and his wife must..."

 Oh, no.
 "...have a child by him
 within a maximum of

 "18 months from..."
 Oh, God.

 How are we gonna do that?

 But for 100 million francs,
 there must be
 a way of doing it.

 Children are always
 being born.

 And I'll make sure that
 one of them is Albin's.


 All right, girls.
 Oh, Renato!

Renato! Renato!
Oh, Renato!

 It worked.
 It worked.

 It worked! It'll be fine.
 No problems. I was flying.

 Where are you, Renato?
 Renato, where are you?

 Here I come.
 Here I come.

 Hurry up, Jacob.
 Help me off
 with my wings, will you?

 Oh, mistress!
 You look just like an angel.

 Not an angel. No. no.
 I'm queen of the bees, dear.
 I feel like stinging somebody.

 Renato, where are you?




 Oh, thank goodness. Oh!

 Looking for me, Albin?


 You gave me a fright.

 I wonder why
 you are so nervous.

 Ah! Perhaps
 you're hiding something.

 First of all,
 what are you doing
 in my room like this?

 I'll ask the questions
 if you don't mind.

 I repeat, I want to know
 what you're hiding from me.

Nothing at all.

 I've nothing to hide.

 You're lying
 through your teeth.

 I can see it in your eyes.

 You better come clean,

 I want to hear the truth.

 I admit it.

 I lied to you.

 There is no
 Albert Mougeois.

 It was for me,
 the inheritance.

So we're rich.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're rich.


 No? But why?

 Because in fact,
 you know,

 this castle
 Aunt Emma left me,

 well, it's tiny.

 Oh, a shed you might say.

 Ten foot square.

It's like a broom cupboard.
A broom cupboard.

You know, the sort of place
where you keep animals.

I couldn't possibly
live in it.

 Oh, an animal shed.

 Exactly, yes.
 With sheep inside.

 The whole place is
 falling down. Even the
 sheep think it's a pigsty.

 Well, that's just what it is.
 A pigsty.

 What's more,
 this pigsty for sheep
 is up on top of a cliff.

 I just read the will.


 How dare you.

 Forgive me, Albin.

 I understand your problem
 but a pigsty worth 100 million

 is a problem worth solving.

 Okay, there's the minor
 detail of converting

 a part of the pigsty
 into a nursery,

 but as for the baby...
 Albin, I'm not boasting now,

 it's okay,
 you can let me fix that.

 What do you mean
 by the phrase "fix that"?
 What you mean?

 Nothing, only, you see...

 A child, I've already...

 What I mean, you see,
 is that for me, it's not
 altogether impossible.

Oh, never.
I can't allow that.

 Stop. I don't want
 to talk about it.

You're looking
in great shape,

 I'm really proud of you.

 I can see that
 marriage agrees with you.
 And the job, huh?

 It's great.
 My father-in-law promoted
 me to director of publicity.

Ah! Congratulations.
A responsible position.

 I really enjoy it.
 You know, job satisfaction.

 Yeah, I can believe that.

 I wish I could say the same,
 but unfortunately...

 Uh, look, Papa, I know
 you're having problems

 and I thought
 if I gave you this,

 Take it, Dad. It's a gift
 from my father-in-law.

 And I've got
 the same name
 as you have.

 No, it's for you, not me.
 And I couldn't possibly
 accept a gift from my own son.

 Oh, come on. Take it.
 It was for buying a new car.

 The old one still
 works just fine.
 Come on.

 Only don't just spend it
 on a necklace for Albin.


 Okay, but it's a loan,
 all right?

 I promise
 I'll pay you back.

 Thanks, Laurent.

 One, two.
 One, two, three, four.

 One, two. One, two, three.
 From the toes.

 One, two, three.
 One, two, three, four.

I've just seen Laurent.

 Laurent! Oh.
 You've seen your son,
 have you?

 You're happy now?
 Happy now?
 Not very, no.

 Oh, but why not?

 You see this?

 A check.
 That's right.

 You mean you asked him
 for money?

 He gave it to me.

 Oh, sweet boy.

 He gave up buying
 a new car to give me this.
 Do you realize that?

 Poor little boy.
A new car. Yes.

 Oh, well. Aren't you
 a lucky little daddy?

 And what can we do
 with 80 thousand francs?
Oh, I don't know.

 It's just a drop
 in the bucket.
 Oh, yes, I know that.

 It's just about enough
 to pay for your costumes.

 Oh, leave me alone.
 All right,
 what about the sets?

 We can't pay for them.
 Oh, go away, will you?

 And the wigs, the stage hands.
 And there's the makeup.
 I have to pay for all of it.

 Flying about is very difficult
 and dangerous, too.
 Just leave me alone.

 What about me, huh?
 You think my job
 isn't difficult?

 Don't you realize everybody
 has to get paid?

 And where do you think
 I'm gonna find the money?

Do what you like.
It's nothing to do with me!

 It's entirely
 your responsibility,
 the money.

 At least you admit that.

You're the manager.
 The manager, yes.

 Go and manage,
 that's what you're
 supposed to be here for.

 My role is on the stage,
 I provide the charm.

 But what can we do
 about the bank?

I don't give a hoot
about the bank!

 Oh, can't you
 understand anything?

 We've got no money
 left at all.

 We're not just
 in the red
 any longer.

 We're covered
 in the Red Sea
 of debt!

 Oh, we're at
 the red lights, are we?

 We'll push the button
 and they'll turn green.

 Very funny.
 You like green, huh?

 I'm glad because
 green is the color
 of Scotland, huh?


Repeat that.

 I don't want to
 hear about Scotland.

 Oh, I thought
 I must've misheard you.

 But you mean
 the inheritance,
 don't you?

 Oh, no. I just
 happened to
 mention Scotland.

 Yes, every time
 you open your mouth,

 you talk about
 the same thing,
 the inheritance.

 I've already told you.
 Do I have to
 repeat myself?

 Didn't you hear me?
 Hold on a minute.

 I don't want to have
 a single penny out of
 this stupid inheritance.

 That's final.
 I won't change my mind.

 Wait, Albin.

 Albin says no!
 I'd rather die
 than take it.

 No, Renato, I won't...

 The Red Sea
 has turned into
 an ocean of bullshit.

Please think about it,
Albin, seriously,
if you're capable of it.

Not again.
Can't you see
I'm rehearsing?

 I need to concentrate
 entirely on my part.

 Go away, give me a chance.
 All right, all right.

 Mr. Baldi...

Please, not now.

 Oh, I really must
 speak to you,
  Monsieur Baldi.

 My wings, dear.

  Monsieur Baldi,
  please listen.

 Of course I'm ready.

 I am the union representative
 for the whole of this troop.

 And I request
 five minutes of your
 precious time, monsieur.

 Who asked you
 to sit down?


 Will you
 sit down please?

ALBIN: I'm quite ready,
I'm waiting for you.

 You are forcing
 this company to work to
 an outrageous time table.

 But we accept that,
 although absolutely
 contrary to union rules.


 These cheap nylons...

 And if we do accept
 this infernal pace,

 it is because
 we are professional,
  Monsieur Baldi.


 Renato, Renato...


 How was that?
 It was good
 like that, eh?

 Not fast enough.

 Aren't you
 ever satisfied?

 But we will not
 work without pay.
 It's out of the question.

 Some of us haven't
 been paid for four weeks,
 may I remind you.

 Well, that's not
 such a long time.

 But if you don't pay us,
 we can't eat.

 So we're going
 on a hunger strike,
 starting from today.

 It'll do you good
 to go on a diet.

 Just be patient,
 can't you?

 So why doesn't
 she go back
 to playing basketball?

 Renato, Renato,
 look out!


 Oh, no! Do something!
 Give him the kiss
 of life, somebody!

 Oh, Renato,
 how awful!
 How dreadful!

Oh, Mr. Baldi.

 Renato, Renato,
 can you see me?

 Oh, tell me
 you're still alive.
 Oh, my dear.

Where am I?

 (SOBBING) No, no!

 Well, hello there,
 Mrs. Petipas.

 How beautiful
 you are today.

 Oh, he doesn't
 recognize me.

I've killed him,
haven't I?

 He's had a very
 severe concussion.

 We'll need to do
 a series of head x-rays.

Oh, his head.

 Where's the pain?

 My feet.


 he doesn't know
 which way up he is.

 I'm afraid he may have
 damaged some of
 his sensitive nerve endings.

 My what?

 The sensitive nerves,
 my poor dear.

 Ah! Good morning!

 Good morning,
 Mr. Renato.
 Come in please.

 You'd like me to
 prescribe tranquilizers
 for Albin?

 Not for Albin, no.
 This time it's for me.

 You don't feel well?

 Oh, I'm feeling
 much better now, Doctor.

 Of course
 it was a shock.

 Let me ask you, would a shock
 like the one I've had
 cause side effects?

 There must be some sort
 of emotional disorder
 you can produce for me

 to make
 an impression on Albin.

I don't understand.

 If Albin believed there
 was a serious danger
 of my brain exploding,

 or something like that,
 it would be
 in his own interest...

 You're asking me
 to make
 a false diagnosis.

 It's for Albin's sake
 I'm asking you this favor.

 Ah! But it's
 very dangerous.

If Albin believes
that you're practically
at death's door

 the shock
 would kill him.

 Oh, but I don't have to
 be actually dying, I just
 want something serious.

 Something nervous
 that'd impress
 Albin, hmm?

Listen to me.

 The most serious of
 all possible scenarios
 with regards to Albin

 is easy, you see.

 What's that?

You discover quite suddenly
that you fancy women.


 You don't feel
 too tired, huh?

 Sure you don't
 want to sit down?

 Oh, no.
 Oh, no, I'm fine.

Oh, but you really
are recovering marvelously,
aren't you?

 Got your color back.
 Oh, you look great.
 Just great.

 Yeah, yeah,
 I feel much, much better.

 There's something
 I've been worried about.

 It's that
 you're blaming
 yourself for the...

No, my dear.
It was entirely
my fault.

Oh, come on.

 And don't worry,
 I'll look after
 all the business side

 until you're
 quite better.

 It's not difficult.
 I'll do all the paperwork,
 everything for you.

 You can leave it
 all to me.

 Where are you going?
 What are you doing?

 Oh, those two girls.
 Do you know them?


 Then why were you
 following them?

 I don't know.
 I think it's something
 to do with my accident.

 You better take me home.

 Yes, come along.

 ALBIN: Come along, Rambo,
 time for walkies.
 That's right, out with Mummy.


 Oh, no, no,
 no, Renato.

 Now, come on.
 You're supposed to be having
 a rest, my dear. Hmm?

 What are you reading?
 Dear? What's that?


Oh, no!
How revolting!

It'll give you

 Why should it?
 What are you
 talking about?


 Who's wearing perfume?

 But of course it's me.

 It's the perfume
 you gave to me.

 You know,
 Gossamer Cyclone by Capron.


 You don't like the smell?

 I don't like it.

 You have much too much on.
 And it's not very masculine,
 is it?

 "Not very masculine"?

That's what I said.

For a man, it's not
a suitable perfume.

 Come on, I have to
 go to the cleaners.

Hold Rambo, will you?
Come on.

 (SIGHS) Oh, I can't
 believe this.

Oh, what a silly boy.

 There we are now...

 Excuse me.
 Haven't we met
 before someplace?

 Is this your car?

 Ooh, please.

Let me do that.
Here we are.
 Very kind of you.

Ugh, not again.

 If you ever need
 any help, my dear,
 of any kind.

Thank you. Thanks.

 Come here.
 Come to Mummy.
 Come to Mummy.

Don't start
all that again.

 You start helping
 this awful female,
 naughty boy,

 then you give her
 your address?

 You've got to
 put a stop to all this.
 You hear Mummy?

 Now, I want
 no more of it.

 Now, Mummy'll buy you
 an ice cream
 and no more nonsense.

 You're too young.

 We'll have your favorite,
 with the cherries on it,
 shall we?

 RENATO: And six
 and seven and eight...

And one and two...

 Something wrong,
 Mr. Albin?

 ...and three and four
 and five, extend.

 I'm afraid so, yes.

 I'm so worried,
 Mrs. Petipas.

 You see, there's something
 wrong with Renato.

 He seems awkward,
 Mr. Baldi.

 RENATO: Very nice.

 I don't know why.

 He's not like
 he usually is. He's...

 He's bizarre.

 I noticed
 just the same thing.

 I won't say
 nothing about it.

 I don't know what it is.


 (SIGHING) What's that?


 Excuse me.
 Who do you want?

I've come
about your advert.

 About what advert?

 I think you're looking
 for a ballerina.
 That's what it says.

Renato, Renato.

It's about
the advert.

 But it's a girl.

 Oh, yes.

 I always felt the show
 lacked something.

 What we need
 is a girl.

 Especially one
 as pretty as this.

 Thank you.


 Have you gone quite
 off your head, Renato?

 We can't use girls
 as well as boys.
 Oh, dear me.

 In that case,
 what is the point
 of cross-dressing?


 I wish you'd make
 your voice sound
 a little deeper.

 Who, me?


 More manly.


 See you later.

 I'll wait.

 Right, gentlemen,
 where were we?

 Oh, dear.
 Let's get it moving again.

 So upsetting for me.

 It's as if we live
 on different planets.
 Don't know what's gone wrong.

 But I think
 it's pretty serious.

 Okay, okay.
 Wait a minute.

 He's not at all well.
 What am I going to do?


 Dr. Beautich.

 Hello, Doctor.

 No. No, no, no.
 It's Albin.

 Yes. No, it really
 is an emergency.

 I must see you.

 Oh, no, no, no.
 It is urgent.

No, no.
It's not for me.
No, I'm fine.

 No, Renato's
 been acting strangely.
 I'm worried.

Oh, I'll explain it all
when I see you.

 No, he's suddenly...

 He... Excuse me,
 won't you, Doctor?

 He's suddenly
 started doing
 horrible things.

Oh, more than once.
It's happened
several times.

Oh, I'd rather
not talk about it
on the telephone.

 Oh, fine. Lovely.

 Thank you!

 Thanks awfully!

 You're a darling.





 What's going on?

 Nothing. I never touched her.
 I didn't do anything,
 I promise you.

 That's enough now.

 That's the second time
 in two days.
 That's enough now.

 You expect me
 to go through this
 performance every day?

 (SCOFFS) I'll give in
 my notice.

 I'm a respectable woman.

 I have two children
 and a prescription to
 the National Geographic...

 I'm sure it's not
 serious, darling.

 You'll be all right.

 We'll get you better.

In short, he's become
normal again.

 What do you mean,

 Normal for you maybe.

 It looks to me like
 a classic case of the
 double inversion syndrome.

 What we call
 the perversion
 reversion cycle.

 As a doctor, I find it
 extremely interesting.

 Oh, well, I'm glad
 it's so interesting
 for you.

 I just want to get him back
 like he was before.

 As a rule, the double
 inversion syndrome is
 difficult to cure completely.

 Oh, I have seen
 some raving queens

who turned into
absolute sex machine...

 Oh, don't go on.
 That's enough, Doctor.

 Now, surely there exists
 some sort of operation,
 a treatment. I'll do anything.

 I'll even sacrifice myself.
 Doctor, trust me.

 How much do I owe you?

 Nothing, nothing.

 Oh, well, you'll be
 seeing me again.
 I'll be back soon, I'm sure.

 (SOBBING) Troubles
 aren't finished yet.

 What a business.

 Mistress, Mr. Renato
 has been arrested.

 I don't know why. They called
 from the police station.


What's he done now?


 Excuse me, Doctor,
 but I'm having

 When you told me
 what he'd done, Doctor,
 I just collapsed.

 Well, I immediately
 had a fainting fit, Inspector.

 I feel quite...


 But, you see,
 he doesn't
 do it normally.

 Oh, he never
 kisses strange women.

 And a parking meter girl
 you said.

 Oh, no.
 He never did it before.
 Never, no.

 You're sick, Renato.

 I saw the doctor.

You're very, very sick.

In fact, I've reverted
to my original nature.

 Unfortunately, it's gone
 far beyond that.

 I hid in the locker room

 after hockey practice
 at Miss Julie's Academy.

 Don't worry, my dear,
 we'll fight this together.

 I'll look after you.
 We'll go to...

 We'll go to Lourdes
 if we have to.

The doctor told me
that I'll probably end up
by going completely insane.


 There maybe is a cure.
 I talked to the doctor, but...

 Oh, it's not
 worth discussing.
 And it's a waste of time.

 Tell me, darling,
 tell me.

An operation.

In New York.

 But it'll cost the Earth.
 It's out of the question.

 There's the journey to
 New York, maybe twice,
 maybe three times.

 Twelve months
 staying in the hospital,
 the operations, treatment.

I couldn't possibly
allow it, Albin.
No, I just won't permit it.

We can't afford it.


 I'll save you.
 Whatever it costs,
 I'll save you.

 Thanks, Albin.
 Thanks a lot.


 It's you
 who wants a...

No, it's him.


 It's my friend
 who wants
 to get married.

 speaks very highly
 of your agency.

 They say that
 it's the best one around.

 You're very kind.

 We always try to
 keep to our motto.

 "If you don't find her here,
 she doesn't exist anywhere."


 Tell me a little
 about yourself.

 I want to hear something
 about your taste,
 your character.

 What sort of man
 are you?


 I have to know
 as much as I can
 about you,

 and then I can help you
 choose your ideal wife.

 What's your profession?

 Ah! My profession
 is an artiste.

 An artiste.

A painter, musician
or the theater, perhaps?

 Oh, at the moment
 I'm doing
 a queen bee routine.

 He's a writer.
 He's writing...
 Ah, a writer!

 Explain it.

 A great work, an opera,
 that's it.

 About the life of bees.

 Ah! Author.

 Author, no, authoress.

 Then we must find you
 a living inspiration.
 A muse.

 And what sort of woman
 are you attracted to?

 What sort of
 woman do I...

 Well, he looks after
 all that side.

Renato, what sort
of woman do I want?

 It isn't the outside
 which counts.


 It's how she is
 inside, you see.

 A blonde, brunette,
 ginger, it hasn't
 the slightest importance.

 As long as
 she's morally pure.

 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

 the maternal type.

 Excuse me, I think
 I'm going to throw up.

 Oh, keep calm, Albin.

 I am calm.

 What sort of age?

 Oh, the same age
 as he is.

 The same age
 as you are,
 if that's okay.

Shall we say 50?



 What shall I say?



 And what about
 her height?

 Oh, what you have,
 it doesn't matter.
 Whatever you have...

 Oh, the size
 is of no importance
 at all, it's not.

 It's really
 not important.


 To pinpoint, I need you
 to be more precise
 about what you require.

 Right. What does
 she mean by...

 If I ask you to pick
 your favorite star
 from the cinema,

 then who would you choose?

 Oh, Robert Redford.
 I've always loved...
 Mary Redford.



Who's the lady?

You are.

 Well, then, the lady
 comes into the restaurant
 first, all right?

 (SIGHS) We can start
 all that at the table.

 No, no. We start
 in the doorway.

 Come along.
 Try once more.


 Well, you're not
 a duke yet.
 Don't overdo it.

 Still no good?

 What a performance.


 Yes? What now?

 I'm standing up.

 Oh, then sit down,
 can't you,
 for heaven's sake.

A gentleman waits to be
seated until after the lady
has sat down herself.


 After you
 please, madame.

 There we are then.

 (SCOFFS) A gentleman.
 More like a head waiter.



 The lady and gentleman
 would like a drink?

 Oh, well, I'd like
 a drop of champagne.

 A Kir Royale.

 Champagne with
 a nuance of cassis.


The lady always
orders first.

 Oh, excuse me.
 Would you ask madame
 what she'd like to order?

  Madame would like
  an aperitif?

 A Kir champagne.

 Very good, ma'am.

Our tastes
are compatible.

Now make advances to me.


 You want me to court you?


At our age? Hmm.

After 25 years.

It's charming. Charming.

 But a bit ridiculous.

 Yes, you're right.

  Madame, you can
  come in now.



 I invited her because
 I thought it might
 just help you out.

 Perhaps with her...
 Excuse me.

 Now make me yours.

 Renato, is this a trick?

 No, it's just to
 give you a bit of practice,
 a rehearsal. Come on.

You must take
my hand, Albin.

 Why must I?

 Because that's
 how it's done.

 Not in my book.

She's waiting for you.
Come on, take her hand.

 What are you doing?

You look as though
you're holding
a dirty tissue.

 Come on,
 get some passion in it.


Now, wait a minute.
Move over. Move over.

 Watch how I do it.


 What beautiful hands
 you have, my dear.

 And what lovely fingers.

 So soft and delicate.


 These adorable fingers...
 ALBIN: Renato, please.

 ...which I long to kiss.


 I want to cover you
 in kisses.
 Stop, Renato.

 Oh, my sweet angel.

 Renato. Listen to me.

 Have you completely
 lost your head?

 Of course not.
 It's just a demonstration.
 You get the picture now?

 Come along.

You're letting things
get out of hand.

 Albin, come along.
 Your turn.


 Pick up her hand.

 Come on, Albin,
 speak to her.

 You've got...

 I think you've got very
 beautiful hands, madame.

 Oh, that was lovely.


 What's the matter
 with you?

 What's the matter?

 I can't go through
 with this, it's impossible.
 Please leave me alone.


 Take this hand
 out of mine.

 You have the most
 beautiful hands, madame.
 I've fallen under your spell.

 There, you see,
 nothing to it at all.

 Do you want tea or coffee
 this morning, mistress?


 Absolutely nothing.


 Keep this
 for monsieur Baldi.

 To be opened
 after my death.

 You gonna
 commit suicide
 again, mistress?

 What do you mean?

This is the first time
this year.

 Since I've been here,
 you've done it every year.

 Oh, and twice last year.

 Yes. But this,
 it's the real thing.

It's the real thing.

 Yes. Because at last
 I know what I want
 out of suicide.

I want to die.

  Adieu, Jacob.

 See you later, mistress.

 Don't you listen
 while I'm talking?

  Adieu, Jacob.
  I'm going to die.

 Spread-eagled underneath
 the railway bridge.

 I want to be

 run over

by an enormous,

 an enormous locomotive.

 You break at least
 five ostrich feathers
 every time you fly, Albin.

 We can't afford
 to keep on buying new ones
 for every show. Albin!

 Where's her ladyship?

She's gone to
commit suicide.

Ah! First time this year.

 She left you
 an envelope
 with me.

 Hold this.

 Oh, may the Lord
 give me strength.
 Oh, dear.

 "I choose to die
 so that you may
 live happily."

 What a nice thought,
 isn't it?

 "To pay for your treatment,
 you can use
 my life insurance."

 Where has he gone,
 this martyr?

I don't know.
He said something about
a railway bridge.

 (SIGHS) My God,
 what have I done?

 My God,
 what have I done
 to deserve this?

 Just tell me
 what I've done,
 will you?



 Here we go again.

 And what is it this time?

 This is goodbye, Renato.
 It's the best way.

 I love you.
 It's the only solution.


 This is a branch line.
 There's only one train
 every week.

 Are you planning
 to sit there
 for seven days, hmm?

And when's
the next train?

 Oh, come on.
 I don't know that.

 Monday, I've checked
 the schedule.

 Today's what?


 You can put your ear
 to the track if you like.

 Don't be an imbecile.
 Get up now.

Oh, yes.

 Come on, Albin.
 It's time to finish
 this charade.

 Believe me,
 this is goodbye.

 I'm good for nothing.
 There's nothing I can do
 to help, is there?

 The world will go on
 without me.

 It doesn't matter
 if I disappear.

 You, you'll find a cure
 to make you normal,
 while I...

 Oh, well.
 I'll vanish into limbo.

Cut in two.



All right,
have it your own way.
So long, Albin.

 Oh, no. Come on.
 Where are you off to now?

 To get a box to put you in
 when you end up
 like a jigsaw puzzle.

Oh, no, Renato.

 Albin, stop it now.
 The game's gone
 far enough. Let's go.

 No, leave me.

 I'm not playing a game,
 as you'll see for yourself
 in a minute.


 All right,
 I'll tell you
 the truth now.

 I lied to you.
 Yes, I lied to you.

 It's not true,
 I haven't turned into
 a heterosexual at all.


 It was only
 so we could get
 the inheritance.

 It was only to
 make you get married.



 You still mad at me?


 But, really,
 what is it
 I've done?

 Tell me why
 you're angry with me?

 Oh, leave me alone,
 can't you?

 You really don't seem
 to have any idea

 that you've been
 walking about like
 a complete madman.

 But what have
 I done to you?

 Oh, nothing,
 only ruined my life.
 Ruined it, haven't you?

 You've messed up
 my whole life.
 I'm nothing but sick of you.

 One more word out of you
 and I hit you like that.

 Stop, stop!
 Get off of me. The car's
 going out of control.

 Oh, shut up!


 Oh, God.
 Oh, dear!

 Oh, my God, Renato!

 He's dead.
 You killed him.

 Let's take a look.
 He may be all right.

(SOBBING) Oh, no,
you killed him, Renato.

 There, you killed
 a lovely boy.

 It's your fault.
 I couldn't see
 where I was going.


 No bones broken?

 Are you in any pain?

 Me? I'm fine, thank you.

 My motorbike's
 a total write-off,

I've just been jilted
by the man I love.

 And what's more?
 What's more?

 I'm expecting a baby.

 Things couldn't be better,
 could they?

 Everything's going
 just fine, and...



 Hello, there.

 Well, hello.

 You recognize me?

Of course I do.

I just wanted
to apologize again
about the accident.

 You just bought
 these for me.


Can I have a quick word
with you in private?


 (SOFTLY) Over here.

 I believe you have
 one or two problems.

 I'd like to try
 and help you.

Look, it's just
my problem.

 I'm sorry.
 I really shouldn't
 have told you.

 I have a proposition to make.

 WOMAN: Oh, Cindy,
 where are the
 Hana Mandlikovas?

 In those boxes, there.

 A proposition?

 Something which
 may well surprise you,
 but it's all perfectly legal.

 You could be a duchess
 worth several million and
 have a father for your child.

 That's what
 they all tell you.

 Well, this time
 it's true.

I'm too old
for fairy stories.

 I'm afraid it's not
 exactly all that romantic.

 It involves marrying
 a bee, you see.
 A queen bee.

A bee?

 If you come tonight
 to the Cage Aux Folles,

 it's the premier
 of our new production.

 I'll introduce you
 to your future husband.

 You'll come?

 Why not?

♪ Oh, once there lived a fairy
at the bottom of my garden


  ♪ Oh, she made
  my little flowers grow


  ♪ Oh, the fairy
  said to me,
  "Kind, sir..." ♪

Hi, Mumsie.

 Oh, Laurent.

 Oh, how lovely!
 It's so nice of you to
 come so often, mon cheri.

 Oh, something wrong?

 My father-in-law has
 resigned his position.

 It's true. It happened
 this morning.
 And I'm to blame.

 But why?

 "La Cage Aux Folles
 funded directly with donations
 from the Moral Order Party."


 "President Charrier
 finances drag queens
 at the Cage Aux Folles."


You know that check
I gave to Papa?

 Yes, well?
 It was signed by Charrier.

But Papa had that check
directly paid to
the Cage Aux Folles.

I really don't know
how the press

managed to get
a hold of this story.
But there's the result.

 Oh, how awful for him.

 Charrier's more or less
 delirious. It's frightening.
 He's howling like a lunatic.

 He's been locked
 in his room all day.
 He won't speak to anybody.

 Oh, we do seem
 to bring him bad luck,
 don't we?

 (WEEPING) Bastards!
 They've ruined me. Oh, God!

 The bastards have raped me.
 God! I'm done for.

 They've got me.
 I'm absolutely finished now!

 Look at it all
 over this disgusting rag!
 The bastards! Oh!


 Filth! Filth! Filth!

Simon! Calm yourself!

Calm down, Simon!


 Mr. Baldi.

 I represent
 Mr. Mortimer Woodson.

 Mr. Woodson is also
 Emma MacGovern's nephew

 and is therefore the cousin
 of your companion.

 From the glimpses that
 I've had of the personality
 of Mr. Mougeotte...

 ...I would suggest
 that producing

 a son and heir might
 prove difficult for him.

 So, I'm prepared
 to make an offer for you.

 Divide the inheritance.

 I'm not talking about
 dividing anything.

 I'm talking about

 Producing a child isn't
 such a big problem for Albin,
 as you seem to imagine.

 Have a nice evening.

 How's it going?
 Enjoying yourself?

 Very much, thank you.

 You like the show?
 It's very good.


 There's your future husband.


The queen. It's him?

 Yes, that's him.
 The queen.

 Stop this!

 I'm putting a stop
 to all this right now.

Wanted to get rid of me.
Thought they'd destroy me.

 You're finished.
 I'm ready to take on
 the lot of you, you hear me?

 I'm not gonna
 lie down under this
 pile of filth!

 I'm fighting back!
 Fighting back!

 I'm closing down
 this monstrous haven
 of perversion!

 Arrest that man at once. Oh!
 Shut up!

 Somebody get the gun
 away from him!

 Now listen, you.
 We are the Party
 of Public Morality.

 The proprietors of
 this cesspit of ill fame

have been trying to ruin
my political career

and to destroy
my reputation.

 They were successful.

 But by God,
 they'll pay.

 And I'll begin with you,
 you pervert!

 Quickly, get her up!

 Prepare to die!


 Move now. Go on!
 Go on! Go on!

 No, no, no, no!


 Let me down.
 Oh, do something.
 I can't stop!

 And voila!


 For God's sake.
 It's too much!

ALBIN: Oh, do something!
He's a lunatic. Please!


 Brilliant. Bravo! Bravo!
 Bravo! Bravo!

 Ladies and gentlemen,
 let's welcome
 President Charrier,

 who's made a brilliant
 debut here tonight and
 who I'd now like to invite

 to become an honorary member
 of the Cage Aux Folles.



 Bravo! Yes! Yes!

 I'll take that, Mr. President.
 Thank you. Thank you.



 What about me?


 How is he, Doctor?
 Is he all right?

 Luckily for him,
 not one of the bullets
 actually penetrated his flesh.

 He was lucky.
 His feathers were riddled
 with bullets.

 He's calmed down
 but I'm afraid he's still
 suffering from shock.

 He's got reason to be.

 It's not often
 he gets fired at
 on opening night.

It was a very lucky
escape anyway.

 Now, it's my turn
 to get fired at.

I think you'd better go
and see him yourself.

 I'll call again soon.
 Bye-bye, Doctor.

 How're you feeling?

 Albin, didn't you
 hear my question?

How're you feeling?

 All right.

 I'm just picking out
 the bits of shrapnel.

 it was a terrible thing
 that happened. Horrible.

But what a triumph,
wasn't it?

 A triumph for me?

Or for Charrier?

Oh, for you, of course.
Mind you, Charrier
didn't do too badly.

 That has given me an idea.
 Why not include the whole
 thing in your act?

 In comes a hunter, bang!
 Suddenly he's winged you
 like in Swan Lake.

 And you're
 signing up Charrier?

 Oh, with blanks in his rifle,

 Oh, yes. But why stop
 at blank bullets?

 Real bullets are funnier.

 Don't be so melodramatic,
 Albin. In the end,
 you didn't come to any harm.

 You've got to admit,
 the audience loved it.

 Did you ever
 fight in a war?


Failed the medical?

 Well, I was in
 the frontline today.

 I was almost killed
 by the enemy.

 I ought to get a medal.

 But instead,

 they applauded my assassin.

 Come on, Albin.
 Let's forget about it now.
 You're okay, aren't you?

 It's over and done with.

 Stop. Let go of my feet.

 Listen, how's Cindy?
 You know, the girl
 you're engaged to.

 She's become
 a fan of yours now.
 I saw her applauding you.

 That's polite of her.

 No, she really meant it.
 She's a nice kid.

 I'm only just recovering
 after a lunatic makes
 an attack on me.

 And now I've got to
 face up to marriage.

 And the inheritance.

 And all the rest of it.

 But we haven't talked
 about each other.
 That's important, too.

 Isn't it?

 Our love.

Ah, I'm afraid life
isn't all poetry.

 (SIGHS) I don't believe it.

 And what have you got
 in place of a heart,
  monsieur? Hmm?

 A pocket calculator?


 Hold your tongue.
 Don't say a word.
 But, Albin.

 But I haven't
 said anything.

But you were just about to.
I could sense it. Leave me.

 I go to my destiny.

 Don't follow me.

 RENATO: I haven't
 moved a muscle.
 I know.

I could tell
you were about
to spring after me.

  Adieu, Renato.

 (SOBS) It's over.




 (SOBBING) I'm gonna
 burst into tears.
 I can't help it.

 I'm gonna burst into tears.


 I believed everything
 he told me.

 I was such a fool.

 Then I found out
 he was married.

 That's why I left him.

 You loved him?

 Maybe you still love him.


 I don't think so.

 I don't know. Maybe.

It's getting cold here.

 Have this.

I'm definitely not married.
I swear it.

I am, almost.

 I'm expecting a baby.

 I want to have it.
 But it must have a father.


 This isn't a very
 lucky trip for me.

 As soon as I get here,
 I fall for you.

 And the affair's
 already over.


 No. No,
 it's impossible.

 But when can I see you?
 Please let me see you again.

 It's too complicated.


 They're all monsters.

Monstrous egotists.

 Men are all the same.


 We're just young
 and innocent.

 And they take
 advantage of it.


 My God, I've really
 been so blind about him.

 He used to say,

 "I have to go to work now,
 my darling."

 And he was really
 going back to his wife.

 A whole year
 he strung me along
 like that.

Thirty years, me.

 And all the while thinking
 that the man who lived
 with me loved me.

 All the while thinking
 that our life together
 was a romance.

 A love story.

And now I discover that

it was all just
a question of cash.


 Oh, I loved that man so.

 (SOBBING) Excuse me.

 Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
 You see, there was

 so much love.

 So much love.
 Excuse me.

 Don't cry.
 You must stop or
 you'll make me cry, too.

What's to become of me now?

 And me.
 What's to become of me?

 It's impossible for me
 to live with a man again.

 I couldn't either.

 Maybe we should get married,
 the two of us.

 It's not such a bad idea.


 It'll work out fine.


 Thank you for
 walking me home, Cindy.

 It's so frightening
 these days.

 All these drug-crazed
 sailors and so on.

 Good night, Albin.
 Sleep well.


 I can't face going in
 by myself.

 I don't want to see him.

 Or talk to him.

 Come in with me.

 But, no, I shouldn't.
 Oh, do.

I'm harmless.

 What did I tell you?

 Hasn't waited up for me,
 you see?

 He's snoring.

 In bed asleep.

He doesn't care.


 I could be anywhere
 and he's gone to bed.

 He doesn't care
 what happens to me.

 Don't get worked up
 about it now, Albin.
 Go to bed, it's late.


Oh, in the old days,
he would have gone
to every police station.

 I'll help you
 take off your makeup.

 No, it's too much trouble.
 Getting it off
 is so complicated.

 It's too much for me
 at the moment.

 Oh, no, no.
 I use number three,

 Oh, he would have
 phoned the police,
 the fire department.

 He wouldn't have
 stopped looking for me
 until I was safe.

 Wouldn't have stopped.

 Oh, thank you, sweetie.

 My God.
 I look like a zombie.

 Oh, la, la, la.

 Oh, I'm completely
 past the point when
 cleansing cream's any use.

 Just hose me down, dear.


Being a couple is going
to be very useful.

 We can help each other
 with our makeup.

 I can wear your clothes.

 But I don't think
 we take the same size.

 Oh, practically.
 I'm probably a bit slimmer
 but I can take them in, dear.

 Those eyelashes.
 Are you wearing them in bed?

 Oh, no, no. No.
 I don't wear them in bed.

Oh, no.

 Well, hardly ever.

 You go and get undressed.
 I won't look at you.

 ALBIN: I'm ready.


 What should I do tomorrow?

 Talk to him or ignore him?

 Decide tomorrow, huh?

 Good night, Albin.

Sleep well.

 I like you very much, Cindy.



 what brings you here?

 Can't I spend time
 with my future husband?

  Bon appetit, Mr. Renato.

 Thank you.

 Good morning.


 Good morning, Albin.

I didn't hear you
come in last night.


 But I did happen to
 see Cindy leaving your
 room this morning,

 at daybreak.

 You've been trying to
 make a man out of me,

 you've succeeded.

 You wanted a marriage,
 well, you're gonna have one.

 But you're gonna
 get a few surprises.

 For example?

 Oh, well...

 Don't expect to be
 invited over to stay.

 Look, man, if you know
 what's good for you,

 don't show your face
 in Scotland.

 That's all I have to say.

 Now it's my turn, Albin.

 So, after everything
 I have done for you,
 you're throwing me over,

 now that you haven't
 any more use for me,
 that's it, huh?

 Oh, I am not going to try
 and cling on to you
 or anything like that.

But you'll miss me.

 You're going to miss me,
 I can tell you that.

 Your creation has
 cast off his bonds,

 Dr. Frankenstein.

 Albin! Albin!
 Wait a minute.

 Where on Earth are
 you going to now?

 I am going to
 do some shopping.

 Shopping? But we
 don't need anything.
 We've got everything.

 It's not for
 anything domestic.

 I have to get things
 for the baby, now, don't I?

 Oh, what're you
 doing over there?

 You needn't rock it.
 There isn't a baby
 inside, is there?

 There isn't a baby?
 Then why buy all this stuff?

 You have eight months
 to worry about
 all this, haven't you?

 Oh, go away then.
 All right, all right,
 I am going outside.

 I can't stand
 any more of this.
 Look after the baby carriage.

 Get out, let me
 finish my shopping.

 I haven't got
 the diapers, have I?

Tell me, darling, do you
have those, you know,
little panties,

 elastic bottoms,
 leak-proof, naturally.

 And then, could you show me,
 if it's at all possible, your
 range of maternity dresses?

What size, sir?
 Oh, my size, of course.

 I'll see if I can find
 some for you, sir.
 You can see me, can't you?


 Oh, cheri, she asked me
 what size I am.
 Yes, I'm nearly finished.

 Look, the whole thing's gone
 far enough now. Get over here
 now, on the pavement.

On the pavement?
Yes, yes, I've got it.

 Up, up!
 Yes, all right,
 I've got it. I've got it.

 First it was
 the Scottish incident...

 Oh, stop going on
 about it all the time.

 All right, I've had
 enough, I am leaving.
 All right, go.

 Leave me, I don't care.

 Mr. Baldi,
 won't you join me?

 Make it brief, I don't
 have much time. I am
 very busy at the moment.

 I'll be brief then.

 Tell Albin to let Cindy
 off the hook.

 And why should he
 do that?

 Because she wants
 to marry me.

 I am sorry, but,
 well, she really seems
 to like Albin.

 It's much simpler
 if you find someone else.

 It shouldn't be difficult
 for you to find an expectant
 mother somewhere

 who'd like to be a duchess.

 And it doesn't really
 matter to Albin who it is.

 Listen, can't you?
 All I want is to marry Cindy.
 I don't want the money.

Very touching.
But it makes no difference.

 He's going ahead
 with the marriage
 to spite me.

 I know he is.

At the moment he is
quite capable of seeing
it through to the end.

 Oh, Cindy, hello,
 my darling.

 I am knitting
 a little sweater
 for you-know-who.

 I sent off for some
 Scottish wool, too, and I'll
 make a little tartan hat.

 You know, with
 the pom-pom on it?

 Is there something
 the matter, darling?

I don't want to get
married, Albin.

 Oh, that's rather unfair.

 You can't abandon me
 with a child to look after.

 It's because of Mortimer,
 your cousin.

 But this has nothing
 to do with Mortimer.

 I think that I have
 fallen in love with him.

 Oh, it couldn't have
 happened at a worse time.

 Now I have really
 spoiled everything
 for you.


 I've pricked myself.
 Really, I'm out of practice.

 But I have been practicing
 with the bottle.
 There, gently does it.

 Oh, come along,
 don't look so sad, Cindy.

 There's your dress to order,
 the guests to invite.

 You'll see, we won't regret
 getting married. Hmm?

 Oh, that's the way.
 I've got it.

 Look, oh, Renato, look.
 You want to taste it, dear?

 See, see how I do it?


 It's really hot, isn't it?
 Oh, God.

 Where are you going?

 You've won, haven't you?

 You have my best
 wishes for the future.

 I won't bother you again.



What day is it?

 Oh, my God, the train.

 Jacob, Jacob, quick!

Call me a taxi.
Here, hold the baby bottle.

 Oh, my God!
 I knew that's what
 he was going to do.


 Oh, this is nice.

 What a beautiful day.

I want to die alone, Albin.

 I think I deserve that
 at least?


 I've been lying on these rails
 for 20 years on and off, and I
 have never actually done it.

 So, I'm afraid, I'm
 not impressed, my dear.

You're mistaken, Albin,
I am not moving until
the train has passed.

 I have decided I don't
 want to live anymore.

 At last I have realized
 you are the only person
 I care for,

 so if I am going to have to
 lose you, there's no point in
 my going on living.

 There you are,
 I am better off dead.


 Put a few of your wedding
 flowers on my tomb.

 Oh, you really
 feel that way?

 Oh, now I'm happy.

Oh, you feel that way
about me.

 What're you doing?

I want to die with you.

 Oh, that is comfortable.

 I can see it now.
 In the end, you're right,
 you know.

It's the only thing
left for us to do.

 Isn't that the train?

Oh, yes, right on time,
as usual.


Look, isn't it just
a little bit absurd to
do this at our age?

 You and me, playing
 Romeo and Juliet?

 Can we change pillows, dear?
 This one's too hard.

 Oh, forget about the pillow.
 We have to talk
 seriously, Albin.


 If you promise not
 to get married,

 then I'll forget about
 the whole damn thing,
 I swear it.

 Give me your hand,

 It's how it should be,
 your hand in mine.

 As the train cuts us
 in two.

Oh, come on, I have
had enough of this.

You think I am really going
to lie there till the train
cuts me into little pieces?

 Ah, all a trick,
 wasn't it?

Well, monsieur,
the game's up for you.

 Now, you pay attention to
 what I say. I am getting
 married, come what may.

And if you want anything
from my aunt's legacy,

you'll be witnesses
at the wedding.

 Mortimer and you.


Shut up!
 Shut up yourself.



 Where is the bridegroom?

 He must have got
 delayed somewhere.

 We've got three other
 weddings this afternoon.

I am afraid if he's not
here in five minutes,

 I'm sorry, I'll have to go
 on to the next one.

He's coming.



 MAN: Oh, it's out
 of this world.

 (LAUGHS) Darling, it's moi!

 At the last moment,
 I couldn't resist it.

 I mean, I have always
 wanted the chance to
 wear white nuptials.

Most amusing, yes,
but where is the
bridegroom then?

 Oh, silly man, nobody
 is getting married.

There's no wedding.
It's all off now.

There's nothing at all.

 Just us. Hmm?

And what do I do
after all this?

 I've got
 the perfect solution.

 Listen, young man,
 you still want to
 marry Cindy?

 Yes, I do.
 Then I'll put this
 proposal to you.

 Albin will renounce
 all claim on the Scottish
 will, all right?

 And according to the will,
 that makes you the
 sole beneficiary

 of your aunt's estate.
 You can split it 50-50
 with us,

 provided that
 you marry Cindy.

Uh, sure, sure,
I'll do it.

 The name of the bridegroom's
 been altered, but you can have
 your wedding after all.

 Then let's begin.


 You've solved everything.
 Oh, you constantly
 amaze me, dear.

 Brilliant, but rather
 naughty as usual.

 Oh, what a wicked thing
 you are. You're a devil.

 A proper devil
 with horns on.

 Oh, he's wonderful.

 Listen, Monsieur Mayor,
 we're going to leave now.

 Off on our honeymoon.

 Where shall it be?
 Venice or the Himalayas?

Oh, smile now.

Why don't you
pop the question to me?
 Which one?

Oh, as if I was
a blushing young thing.

  "Mademoiselle Zaza,
 I request your hand
 in marriage."

 Oh, I can't.

  Mademoiselle, I hereby
 request your hand
 in marriage.

 Oh, willingly.

 Bravo, mister. Bravo.


  ♪ Now it's up to me

♪ To make my world a happy one

  ♪ Set my feelings free

  ♪ To let the sun shine in

  ♪ Too late now to turn around

  ♪ To let the shadows
  bring me down

  ♪ I've got to try
  and if I fall

  ♪ I'll fall
  and I will rise again

  ♪ Set my feelings free

♪ I know that all I need to do

  ♪ Somehow will be done

  ♪ 'Cause it is done for you

  ♪ Can't make believe
  I'm someone else

  ♪ I know it's up to me

  ♪ Too late now to turn around

  ♪ I know the way I want to be

♪ I see the life
I want to lead

  ♪ I know the one I want ♪