La Cage aux Folles 3: The Wedding (1985) - full transcript
Third and final version of the La Cage aux Folles series has Renato's drag queen lover Albin learning that he can inherit a vast fortune from a distant relative. But the catch is that Albin must marry (a woman) and produce a heir within a year or the whole inheritance will be forfeited.
♪ Now it's up to me
♪ To make my world a happy one
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ To let the sun shine in
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ To let the shadows
bring me down
♪ I've got to try
and if I fall
♪ I'll fall and I
will rise again
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ I know that all I need to do
♪ Somehow will be done
♪ 'Cause it is done
♪ For you can't make believe
♪ I'm someone else
♪ I know it's up to me
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ I know the way I want to be
♪ I see the life
I want to lead
♪ I know the one
I want with me ♪
(HORN HONKING)
Albin!
Albin!
Albin? Albin!
...seven and eight.
And now, one
and two and three
and four and five.
And one and two
and three and four.
Extend now.
One and two and three...
Albin!
ALBIN: Yes! All right,
I'm coming!
Now, I've hurt myself.
Here we are.
You see what happens
when I'm rushed.
Oh, the whole thing is
outrageous. Outrageous.
Oh, look at me.
What do you think?
You look ravishing!
An undertaker.
A blackbird.
A horror! I expect people
will throw stones at me.
Hmm?
I look ridiculous like this.
What do you mean
"ridiculous"?
You look absolutely normal.
Oh, yes. Oh, it's normal
to look dreary and miserable
when you dress this way.
Oh, sure. With a pair
of bangles in your ears,
you'd look much happier.
Oh!
No. Come to Mummy.
Oh, here we are
my little Rambo.
Now, you will
look after Rambo
for me, won't you?
But why don't you take him
to Scotland with you?
To Scotland?
No, they don't let animals
into the country.
Oh, no. I'd never get him
past the customs.
But after all,
he's only stuffed.
Oh, simply...
But, no, stuffed.
Oh, you can't go to Scot...
No!
Oh, well!
Do look, the mistress
in fancy dress.
Oh! You see,
the insults are starting!
Jacob, just go look
for me in the kitchen!
(GROANS)
ALBIN: Thank you.
Goodbye now, my pet.
Say to Mummy,
"Goodbye, Mummy.
"Goodbye, Mummy."
God bless. Oh!
♪ I'll take the high road
and you'll take the... ♪
(DANCERS LAUGHING)
(DANCERS CHEERING)
DANCER: Oh, my dear,
I don't believe it!
(DANCERS MOCKING)
All dolled up like a pig!
Oh, look! It's Tyrone Power!
Do you think she's wearing
a bra underneath all that?
Boys! That will be
enough of that.
Just ignore them.
(DANCERS CHATTERING)
Come on. Come on.
Let's go.
Hurry up.
You'll miss the plane.
Why are you shuffling
like that?
Come on, hurry!
All right.
I can't walk properly
in flat shoes.
You know that.
I lose my balance.
It's terrible.
Be serious, Albin.
In Scotland,
you've got to
present yourself
as being respectable
when the lawyers
read the will.
You can't turn up in
high heels. For God's
sake, be reasonable.
Oh, I can't bear it.
My clothes itch,
my socks, my trousers.
Everything itches.
It's quite impossible.
Look who's there.
Oh!
...so the Party of Order
and Morality
of which I am honored
to be president
would like me,
for the final time, to
extend congratulations
for your high moral tone
in this region.
Papa!
Mumsie!
Hello, darling.
You see Mumsie's awful rags?
You know why?
But you look fine.
Oh, hear the boy?
Going to Scotland
for the inheritance?
Actually I feel more like
I'm going to a funeral
or something.
Just look at me, dear.
Nonsense! Excuse me,
I have to go to work.
Of course.
Should we go and
kiss your father-in-law?
Not here. He'll have
a stroke on the spot.
Bye, Mummy.
See you, Papa.
Bye-bye.
Come on, let's go.
I hope he didn't see us.
Now hurry up.
Just walk properly.
Try to look
as inconspicuous
as possible.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Gentlemen, let me say that
I'm very satisfied with this
visit I made to your province.
Thank you.
Thank you.
MAN: Thank you, Mr. Charrier.
I don't have to remind you
how important to us
this inheritance is.
As you know,
we are faced with
a total financial disaster.
So will you please...
You see that
cheeky boy over there,
eyeing you up like that?
Who?
That gigolo there.
He's looking at you.
See him?
Flirting with you.
Who, me?
Yes, you. Not me.
Listen, Albin.
Whatever happens,
we've got to do something
about settling our debts.
And this...
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Why isn't that man
looking my way?
God.
Obviously this suit makes me
completely invisible.
I blend into the walls,
just like part of the airport.
(GROANS) I can't stand
much more of it.
Come on,
let's sit somewhere else.
Come along.
I'd really like
to slap your face
but I'm not going to.
Ogling people you don't know.
Wherever were you brought up?
Degenerate.
Well...
Goodbye, darling.
Just remember not to make
an exhibition of yourself.
Uh-huh.
MAN: Passport.
My passport.
Do what you like.
My feet hurt.
Oh, these shoes.
Problem with my feet.
Thank you, dear.
Our bags, bagages. Yes.
Here we are.
(ALARM RINGING)
Bye-bye.
Sir, this way, please.
Me? Do you see me?
Come along, sir.
This way.
Here I come.
You've set off the alarm.
Oh!
How awful.
It's never happened
to me before, I swear.
You see, I... Oh.
Empty your pockets, please.
Come along, sir.
Empty your pockets.
I feel like a spy.
You mean you want to see...
Take a look.
This is my everyday makeup.
Now this is different,
you see?
I think you must have
some metal object on you.
Objects?
Metal, yes.
But I've already...
Metal.
Yes, metal.
Yes, of course,
I have some.
I have this. It's metal.
Interesting, isn't it?
I'll open it.
Yes, that's all right, sir.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
There we are.
Well, you can see
for yourself. I think
this one's enchanting.
See what you think.
Isn't it? Little more?
Might be a trifle pale.
But for you, something
more rugged like that.
Madam, this way, please.
Thank you, ma'am.
There we are. Hmm.
He's gone off and left me.
Oh! He didn't care.
All right, I don't mind.
I just don't believe it.
He asked to see my things
then when I show him,
he's not interested at all.
He thinks
we're drug-traffickers.
I'm not a trafficker,
all right? I've got powder,
a bit of face powder.
He didn't even give me
a proper body search.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
It's outrageous, to make
what I can only call these
scandalous insinuations
which you may think
mean absolutely nothing
but which I find
grossly insulting.
Welcome to Scotland,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Now you're here,
we'll be able to proceed
with the reading of the will.
The other side, please.
The other side. Yes.
Good morning, sir.
Here we are.
Comfortable?
Come along.
Cover yourself up, dear.
Cover yourself.
That's what the blanket's for.
There we are.
DULAC: Here we are.
If the ground
plan which my colleague in
Aberdeen sent me is correct,
your late Aunt Emma's estate
starts just here
and then stretches
all the way to the sea
down there.
Oh, but the sea is
such a long way away.
It certainly is.
But the estate
goes even further.
Oh, very good.
It goes even further, nice.
But does that mean
the sea is mine, or...
Sorry, no.
No, the sea. You know?
The sea.
Yes, it's mine.
No, no. Sorry, no.
I'm afraid not.
No, it's not.
DULAC: All inland waters,
rivers, burns, lochs, yes.
But the sea, no.
ALBIN: The sea, no?
Now here are your fields,
you see?
Ah! And some
of your farm laborers.
LABORER: Aye, mornin'.
(SHEEP BLEATING)
DULAC: All those sheep
are yours.
All these trees are yours
and here are some
of your woodcutters.
Oh, beautiful specimens.
Some of them are more
than 200 years old.
The woodcutters?
Sorry?
Oh, excuse me.
The trees you mean.
Of course.
No, I thought you meant
the woodcutters. I'm sorry.
A little misunderstanding
there. No problem.
And here we have your castle
and these are your servants,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Fine.
Sir.
Oh, how nice.
Very pleased
to welcome you, sir.
Tallyho.
This way, sir.
Hi.
Oh, yes.
Excuse me.
Good day to you, sir.
I'm Mrs. McPherson, sir.
And this is Angela.
Oh, yes. Angela.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Eleanor.
Eleanor.
Oh, what a sweetie.
Oh, but they're all...
They're all charming.
Here we have the kitchen staff
and the ground staff, sir.
Oh, how do you do?
We already met.
Oh, sorry. Oh, this is
very, very confusing.
Oh, the kitchen staff!
Bon appetit.
Oh, half of Scotland.
Don't be disappointed.
After all, half is better
than nothing, isn't it?
Oh, yes.
Oh, they're all wearing kilts.
Oh, my dear,
they're all quite superb.
In fact what's more,
what do you say
to a new dance, eh?
Yes! To put in the revue.
We'll replace the bees ballet
with a Scots extravaganza.
Oh, no! You beast!
You are terrible.
Don't be so crude.
Don't worry now.
All our problems are solved,
aren't they?
There'll be plenty of money.
Oh, before you go,
let me tell you,
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm in here like
a little gentleman.
Yes, you needn't worry.
Oh, believe me,
quite restrained.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Yeah. And you.
And you. I must go now.
Nice Mr. Dulac
has just walked in.
Yes, but don't worry.
Silly boy.
Yes, what is it?
We have to get on
with the reading
of the will, sir.
(LAUGHS) I was just...
Oh, dear, I'm quite flustered.
Please, this way,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Let me introduce you
to Mr. Kennedy,
the executor of the estate.
Mr. Mortimer Woodson,
your cousin.
Do please sit down,
gentlemen.
We will now read the last
will and testament
of your maternal aunt,
the late
Miss Emma MacGovern.
Please proceed.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"This is my last will
and testament.
"I leave to my nephew,
Albin Mougeotte..."
Present.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"...the following bequeath.
The estate Manor Whalsey,
"and all my stocks, shares,
bonds and securities
"which are valued currently
at 10 million pounds..."
(WHISPERING) That'll be
one hundred million francs
at least.
(GASPS)
"...and which are deposited
in the Aberdeen branch of
Barclays Bank.
"And in addition,
the title Duke of Wellington."
I prefer duchess. Sorry.
This legacy has a condition
attached to it.
And if this is not respected
by the said Albin Mougeotte...
Mougeotte.
...he will be disinherited
and will forfeit everything to
his cousin Mortimer Woodson.
This is the condition.
"My beneficiary,
Mr. Mougeotte,
must have a wife
"to whom he is
legally married
"and a legitimate child
by the said wife
within 18 months
"from the date of
the reading of my will."
(GASPS) Would you
repeat that, please?
I didn't quite...
No, I'll explain it.
(CHUCKLES)
Excuse us. Yes.
You see,
you have to be married.
Mmm-hmm.
What?
You must be married.
Yes, but with
a female?
Oh, yes, naturally,
and have a child.
(GASPS)
(WHIMPERS)
(GROANS)
Mr. Mougeotte.
Mr. Mougeotte.
It's all right.
Mr. Mougeotte.
(GRUNTING) Come on now,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Mr. Mougeotte,
pull yourself together.
What time does
the next plane go?
At 5:00, I think.
It's all right,
Mr. Mougeotte.
There you go.
That's it.
Can you manage?
Take it easy.
Careful.
Yes, I'll be with you
in a moment, Mr. Mougeotte.
(EXHALES)
Please.
Ah, yes.
Mr. Mougeotte!
Mr. Mougeotte!
Well, Mr. Kennedy,
what do you think?
I think you're about to
become enormously wealthy.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, no.
Now it's raining as well.
That's Scotland for you.
Oh.
(HONKING)
Mr. Mougeotte,
I understand your problem,
believe me.
Some problem, dear.
But surely for 10 million,
wouldn't it be
at least worth a try?
Don't you think?
I wouldn't dream of it,
Mr. Dulac.
Some things are impossible.
Even for 10 million.
Would you marry me
for example,
for 10 million?
Mmm. Well, I might.
Are you really
serious about me?
Mad fool.
Let's get this clear, Dulac.
There never was
an inheritance.
It was a misunderstanding,
hmm?
We won't mention it again.
Mr. Mougeotte,
I beg you to reconsider.
Mr. Mougeotte.
Yes.
Ten million pounds.
Look at the documents.
It's all there.
Oh,
but I understand everything.
It's perfectly simple.
Oh!
My bag, please.
My case and my hat box.
Thank you.
Oh!
Ah, Renato.
Albin.
Oh, I feel as if I've
been away for an eternity.
Oh.
How much?
An eternity.
No, I mean how much?
How much of what?
Inheritance.
Isn't it customary
to begin with some
sort of polite comment?
For example,
"How are you?
"Did you have good weather?
Was it a nice trip?
"Did you remember
to wear your woolly?"
Hmm?
If I must. I hope you
remembered to wear
a sweater in the evening.
A little late, young man.
Fine. And now,
perhaps you can tell me
how things went in Scotland.
I have the right to
know that at least.
No sunshine.
Lots of rain.
I get the horrors when
I'm flying. There's
nothing else to tell you.
Oh, really?
You haven't mentioned
the inheritance, the castle.
And how about the money?
That was a mistake.
A mistake?
Yes, a mistake...
(GASPS)
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
(WHOOPING)
Oh, no. Stop that.
It's grotesque. Oh!
Grotesque?
I thought that's
what you wanted.
I don't want it anymore.
I've just decided
to cancel it.
Throw away the bagpipe tape,
will you?
Oh, I never want to hear
another bagpipe in my life.
I never want
to hear Scotland
mentioned ever again.
(ALL CLAMORING)
It's not my fault.
It was a mistake I tell you.
What are you talking about?
It couldn't possibly
be a mistake.
Lawyers just don't
make mistakes.
No, no. Unfortunately,
in this kind of business,
errors are very frequent,
you see?
(STAMMERING) Can't avoid them.
I mean, when I got there,
to, uh,
talk to the lawyer
it, uh, turned out
they were looking for
someone called Albert.
Oh, I said, "No,
before we go any further
my name is Albin."
"Oh, no,
I want Albert Mougeois."
I think it was a Mougeois.
"Oh! My name is
Albin Mougeotte."
"Albin Mougeotte?"
He said, "No, Albert Moug..."
And I said,
"Fine. In that case
it's obviously not me."
And what have
you got in here?
Oh, it's only a few brochures,
you know.
Brochures, tourist guides.
Do I have to endure
this grilling?
I'm quite exhausted
enough already,
if you don't mind.
Mistress, did you remember
to wear a sweater, honey?
Oh, you love.
Somebody thinks about me.
What about the inheritance?
You brought all the money
with you?
Get out!
(GROANS)
Right. If you don't mind,
I'm quite worn out and
I'm going to freshen up.
I'm very tired
so I shall take off
this humiliating outfit
and run a bath because
I feel quite dead.
You heard that? Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Excuse me!
Oh, la, la.
I can see it's going
to be a terrible winter.
(SIGHS)
(LOCK CLICKS)
Well, look at that.
A voyeur at the key hole.
How vulgar.
Albin, do you know
who telephoned me
this morning?
Only the bank manager.
And guess how big
our overdraft is?
Ah, no.
Mustn't talk about money.
Albin.
If we don't get our hands
on this inheritance,
we are ruined.
That's it. Catastrophe.
We're finished.
(GASPS)
Albin, can you hear me?
(GROANS)
(DOOR OPENING)
I hurt your eye,
my angel?
No.
Good.
Feeling fit now,
are we, girls? Good.
Everybody ready?
DANCER: Wanna see
my dying swan?
Why is she always late
for rehearsals?
I don't know.
Zaza. Zaza!
Here I am.
There we are.
Oh, la, la.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Here I am.
(GIGGLING)
It's a success, no?
Oh, and I'm much thinner.
Stupendous.
A real wasp waist.
(GASPS) A bee, Renato!
Not a wasp.
We'll begin by trying out
the equipment
for the aerial number.
Armand, you ready?
Ready.
Fasten me tightly.
(LAUGHING)
Be careful, can't you?
Come on, let's go.
Up, up, up.
Go, go, go.
Easy does it.
Slowly. Up, up.
Good. Very nice.
Well done, boys.
Wonderful.
I really feel I'm flying.
No, no, don't let go.
No, keep hold of my feet,
just in case. That's it.
(ALBIN WHOOPS)
Don't worry, it's quite safe.
You're sure it'll hold me?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Places, girls.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Places, places.
Up, up now.
ALBIN: Oh, I'm flying.
I'm flying.
Up, up. Come on.
Oh, Renato.
Queen bee. Up, up.
Queen bee.
Not so high.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
No, no, no.
Too high. Too high.
Now, take down the bee.
Slowly, slowly.
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
Mrs. Petipas.
(WHIRRING STOPS)
Can't you see
that this is a very
dangerous operation?
Please wait until
I have finished before
doing the cleaning.
MAN: Okay, let's start again.
ALBIN:
I'm queen of the bees.
Za-za-za-za.
PETIPAS: Bees don't go,
"Za-za-za-za." They go "zzz."
She's right, you know.
They do go "zzz."
ALBIN: Oh, come on,
Mrs. Petipas, how many times
do I have to tell you,
if you must clean something,
go and clean
the tables outside.
Oh, just go away.
MAN:
All right, girls. Come on.
Let's get started again now.
Come on. Let's try
all the bees together.
ALBIN: Come on, girls.
MAN: Now the queen.
After me.
(BUZZING)
(ALL BUZZING)
"I leave to my nephew,
Albin Mougeotte,
all my worldly goods..."
Ah. "...together with
all my estate at Whalsey.
"The castle, out buildings,
and the title of
lord of the manor."
Ah, he's a millionaire
after all, the lying toad.
"And a stock portfolio
to the value of..."
(BABBLING)
"...ten million sterling."
Ten million.
(LAUGHS)
Ten million.
What's that?
(MUMBLING)
Where are you, Renato?
That's 100 million francs!
Coming in a minute.
"But this legacy
is on one condition.
"My nephew, Albin Mougeotte,
must be married
and his wife must..."
Oh, no.
"...have a child by him
within a maximum of
"18 months from..."
Oh, God.
How are we gonna do that?
But for 100 million francs,
there must be
a way of doing it.
Children are always
being born.
And I'll make sure that
one of them is Albin's.
(ALL CHATTERING)
All right, girls.
Oh, Renato!
Renato! Renato!
Oh, Renato!
It worked.
It worked.
Renato!
It worked! It'll be fine.
No problems. I was flying.
Where are you, Renato?
Renato, where are you?
Jacob!
Here I come.
Here I come.
Hurry up, Jacob.
Help me off
with my wings, will you?
Oh, mistress!
You look just like an angel.
Not an angel. No. no.
I'm queen of the bees, dear.
I feel like stinging somebody.
Renato, where are you?
Renato!
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
Oh, thank goodness. Oh!
Looking for me, Albin?
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
You gave me a fright.
I wonder why
you are so nervous.
Ah! Perhaps
you're hiding something.
First of all,
what are you doing
in my room like this?
I'll ask the questions
if you don't mind.
I repeat, I want to know
what you're hiding from me.
Nothing at all.
I've nothing to hide.
You're lying
through your teeth.
I can see it in your eyes.
You better come clean,
Albin.
I want to hear the truth.
I admit it.
I lied to you.
There is no
Albert Mougeois.
It was for me,
the inheritance.
So we're rich.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're rich.
No.
No? But why?
(STAMMERING)
Because in fact,
you know,
this castle
Aunt Emma left me,
well, it's tiny.
Oh, a shed you might say.
Ten foot square.
(STAMMERING)
It's like a broom cupboard.
A broom cupboard.
You know, the sort of place
where you keep animals.
I couldn't possibly
live in it.
Oh, an animal shed.
Hmm.
Exactly, yes.
With sheep inside.
The whole place is
falling down. Even the
sheep think it's a pigsty.
Well, that's just what it is.
A pigsty.
What's more,
this pigsty for sheep
is up on top of a cliff.
I just read the will.
Yup.
How dare you.
Forgive me, Albin.
Look,
I understand your problem
but a pigsty worth 100 million
is a problem worth solving.
Okay, there's the minor
detail of converting
a part of the pigsty
into a nursery,
but as for the baby...
Albin, I'm not boasting now,
it's okay,
you can let me fix that.
What do you mean
by the phrase "fix that"?
What you mean?
Nothing, only, you see...
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
A child, I've already...
What I mean, you see,
is that for me, it's not
altogether impossible.
Oh, never.
I can't allow that.
Stop. I don't want
to talk about it.
You're looking
in great shape,
Laurent.
I'm really proud of you.
I can see that
marriage agrees with you.
And the job, huh?
It's great.
My father-in-law promoted
me to director of publicity.
Ah! Congratulations.
A responsible position.
I really enjoy it.
You know, job satisfaction.
Yeah, I can believe that.
I wish I could say the same,
but unfortunately...
Uh, look, Papa, I know
you're having problems
and I thought
if I gave you this,
maybe...
Take it, Dad. It's a gift
from my father-in-law.
And I've got
the same name
as you have.
No, it's for you, not me.
And I couldn't possibly
accept a gift from my own son.
Oh, come on. Take it.
It was for buying a new car.
The old one still
works just fine.
Come on.
Only don't just spend it
on a necklace for Albin.
Hmm?
Mmm.
Okay, but it's a loan,
all right?
I promise
I'll pay you back.
Thanks, Laurent.
One, two.
One, two, three, four.
One, two. One, two, three.
From the toes.
One, two, three.
One, two, three, four.
I've just seen Laurent.
Laurent.
Who?
Laurent! Oh.
You've seen your son,
have you?
You're happy now?
Happy now?
Not very, no.
Oh, but why not?
You see this?
Oh!
A check.
That's right.
You mean you asked him
for money?
No.
He gave it to me.
Oh, sweet boy.
He gave up buying
a new car to give me this.
Do you realize that?
Poor little boy.
A new car. Yes.
Oh, well. Aren't you
a lucky little daddy?
And what can we do
with 80 thousand francs?
Oh, I don't know.
It's just a drop
in the bucket.
Oh, yes, I know that.
It's just about enough
to pay for your costumes.
Oh, leave me alone.
All right,
what about the sets?
We can't pay for them.
Oh, go away, will you?
And the wigs, the stage hands.
And there's the makeup.
I have to pay for all of it.
Flying about is very difficult
and dangerous, too.
Just leave me alone.
What about me, huh?
You think my job
isn't difficult?
Don't you realize everybody
has to get paid?
And where do you think
I'm gonna find the money?
Do what you like.
It's nothing to do with me!
It's entirely
your responsibility,
the money.
(SCOFFS)
At least you admit that.
You're the manager.
The manager, yes.
Go and manage,
that's what you're
supposed to be here for.
My role is on the stage,
I provide the charm.
But what can we do
about the bank?
(STAMMERING)
I don't give a hoot
about the bank!
Oh, can't you
understand anything?
We've got no money
left at all.
We're not just
in the red
any longer.
We're covered
in the Red Sea
of debt!
Oh, we're at
the red lights, are we?
We'll push the button
and they'll turn green.
(LAUGHS)
Very funny.
You like green, huh?
I'm glad because
green is the color
of Scotland, huh?
(EXCLAIMS)
Repeat that.
Scotland.
I don't want to
hear about Scotland.
Oh, I thought
I must've misheard you.
But you mean
the inheritance,
don't you?
Oh, no. I just
happened to
mention Scotland.
Yes, every time
you open your mouth,
you talk about
the same thing,
the inheritance.
I've already told you.
Do I have to
repeat myself?
Didn't you hear me?
Hold on a minute.
I don't want to have
a single penny out of
this stupid inheritance.
That's final.
I won't change my mind.
Wait, Albin.
Albin says no!
I'd rather die
than take it.
(CRYING)
No, Renato, I won't...
The Red Sea
has turned into
an ocean of bullshit.
Please think about it,
Albin, seriously,
if you're capable of it.
Not again.
Can't you see
I'm rehearsing?
I need to concentrate
entirely on my part.
Go away, give me a chance.
All right, all right.
Mr. Baldi...
Please, not now.
Later.
Oh, I really must
speak to you,
Monsieur Baldi.
My wings, dear.
Monsieur Baldi,
please listen.
ALBIN:
Of course I'm ready.
I am the union representative
for the whole of this troop.
And I request
five minutes of your
precious time, monsieur.
Who asked you
to sit down?
(SIGHS)
Will you
sit down please?
ALBIN: I'm quite ready,
I'm waiting for you.
You are forcing
this company to work to
an outrageous time table.
But we accept that,
although absolutely
contrary to union rules.
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
These cheap nylons...
And if we do accept
this infernal pace,
it is because
we are professional,
Monsieur Baldi.
(EXCLAIMING)
Renato, Renato...
Renato!
(LAUGHING)
How was that?
It was good
like that, eh?
Not fast enough.
Aren't you
ever satisfied?
But we will not
work without pay.
It's out of the question.
Some of us haven't
been paid for four weeks,
may I remind you.
Well, that's not
such a long time.
But if you don't pay us,
we can't eat.
So we're going
on a hunger strike,
starting from today.
It'll do you good
to go on a diet.
Just be patient,
can't you?
So why doesn't
she go back
to playing basketball?
Renato, Renato,
look out!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, no! Do something!
Give him the kiss
of life, somebody!
Oh, Renato,
how awful!
How dreadful!
Oh, Mr. Baldi.
(SOBBING)
Renato, Renato,
can you see me?
Oh, tell me
you're still alive.
Oh, my dear.
Where am I?
(SOBBING) No, no!
Well, hello there,
Mrs. Petipas.
How beautiful
you are today.
Oh, he doesn't
recognize me.
I've killed him,
haven't I?
He's had a very
severe concussion.
We'll need to do
a series of head x-rays.
Oh, his head.
Where's the pain?
My feet.
Doctor,
he doesn't know
which way up he is.
I'm afraid he may have
damaged some of
his sensitive nerve endings.
My what?
The sensitive nerves,
my poor dear.
Ah! Good morning!
Good morning,
Mr. Renato.
Come in please.
You'd like me to
prescribe tranquilizers
for Albin?
Not for Albin, no.
This time it's for me.
You don't feel well?
Oh, I'm feeling
much better now, Doctor.
Of course
it was a shock.
Let me ask you, would a shock
like the one I've had
cause side effects?
There must be some sort
of emotional disorder
you can produce for me
to make
an impression on Albin.
(CHUCKLING)
I don't understand.
If Albin believed there
was a serious danger
of my brain exploding,
or something like that,
it would be
in his own interest...
You're asking me
to make
a false diagnosis.
It's for Albin's sake
I'm asking you this favor.
Ah! But it's
very dangerous.
If Albin believes
that you're practically
at death's door
the shock
would kill him.
Oh, but I don't have to
be actually dying, I just
want something serious.
Something nervous
that'd impress
Albin, hmm?
Listen to me.
The most serious of
all possible scenarios
with regards to Albin
is easy, you see.
What's that?
You discover quite suddenly
that you fancy women.
(LAUGHING)
You don't feel
too tired, huh?
Sure you don't
want to sit down?
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Oh, but you really
are recovering marvelously,
aren't you?
Got your color back.
Oh, you look great.
Just great.
Yeah, yeah,
I feel much, much better.
There's something
I've been worried about.
It's that
you're blaming
yourself for the...
No, my dear.
It was entirely
my fault.
Oh, come on.
And don't worry,
I'll look after
all the business side
until you're
quite better.
It's not difficult.
I'll do all the paperwork,
everything for you.
You can leave it
all to me.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Oh, those two girls.
Do you know them?
No.
Then why were you
following them?
I don't know.
I think it's something
to do with my accident.
You better take me home.
Yes, come along.
ALBIN: Come along, Rambo,
time for walkies.
That's right, out with Mummy.
(HUMMING)
Oh, no, no,
no, Renato.
Now, come on.
You're supposed to be having
a rest, my dear. Hmm?
What are you reading?
Dear? What's that?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, no!
How revolting!
It'll give you
nightmares.
Why should it?
What are you
talking about?
(SNIFFING)
Who's wearing perfume?
You?
But of course it's me.
It's the perfume
you gave to me.
You know,
Gossamer Cyclone by Capron.
Remember?
No.
You don't like the smell?
I don't like it.
You have much too much on.
And it's not very masculine,
is it?
"Not very masculine"?
That's what I said.
For a man, it's not
a suitable perfume.
Come on, I have to
go to the cleaners.
Hold Rambo, will you?
Come on.
(SIGHS) Oh, I can't
believe this.
Oh, what a silly boy.
There we are now...
Excuse me.
Haven't we met
before someplace?
Is this your car?
Yes.
Ooh, please.
Let me do that.
Here we are.
Very kind of you.
Ugh, not again.
If you ever need
any help, my dear,
of any kind.
Thank you. Thanks.
Come here.
Come to Mummy.
Come to Mummy.
Don't start
all that again.
You start helping
this awful female,
naughty boy,
then you give her
your address?
You've got to
put a stop to all this.
You hear Mummy?
Now, I want
no more of it.
Now, Mummy'll buy you
an ice cream
and no more nonsense.
You're too young.
We'll have your favorite,
with the cherries on it,
shall we?
RENATO: And six
and seven and eight...
And one and two...
Something wrong,
Mr. Albin?
...and three and four
and five, extend.
I'm afraid so, yes.
I'm so worried,
Mrs. Petipas.
You see, there's something
wrong with Renato.
He seems awkward,
Mr. Baldi.
RENATO: Very nice.
Okay.
I don't know why.
He's not like
he usually is. He's...
He's bizarre.
I noticed
just the same thing.
I won't say
nothing about it.
I don't know what it is.
(GASPS)
(SIGHING) What's that?
No...
Excuse me.
Who do you want?
I've come
about your advert.
About what advert?
I think you're looking
for a ballerina.
That's what it says.
(STAMMERING)
Renato, Renato.
It's about
the advert.
But it's a girl.
Look...
Oh, yes.
I always felt the show
lacked something.
What we need
is a girl.
Especially one
as pretty as this.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Have you gone quite
off your head, Renato?
We can't use girls
as well as boys.
Oh, dear me.
In that case,
what is the point
of cross-dressing?
(LAUGHING)
I wish you'd make
your voice sound
a little deeper.
Who, me?
(LAUGHING)
More manly.
(MUMBLES)
See you later.
I'll wait.
Right, gentlemen,
where were we?
Oh, dear.
Let's get it moving again.
So upsetting for me.
It's as if we live
on different planets.
Don't know what's gone wrong.
But I think
it's pretty serious.
Okay, okay.
Wait a minute.
(SOBBING)
He's not at all well.
What am I going to do?
(RINGING)
Dr. Beautich.
Hello, Doctor.
No. No, no, no.
It's Albin.
Yes. No, it really
is an emergency.
I must see you.
Oh, no, no, no.
It is urgent.
No, no.
It's not for me.
No, I'm fine.
No, Renato's
been acting strangely.
I'm worried.
(SOBBING)
Oh, I'll explain it all
when I see you.
No, he's suddenly...
He... Excuse me,
won't you, Doctor?
He's suddenly
started doing
horrible things.
Oh, more than once.
It's happened
several times.
Oh, I'd rather
not talk about it
on the telephone.
Oh, fine. Lovely.
Thank you!
Thanks awfully!
You're a darling.
(SOBBING) Bye.
(EXCLAIMS)
Mmm.
(GASPS)
What's going on?
Nothing. I never touched her.
I didn't do anything,
I promise you.
That's enough now.
That's the second time
in two days.
That's enough now.
You expect me
to go through this
performance every day?
(SCOFFS) I'll give in
my notice.
I'm a respectable woman.
I have two children
and a prescription to
the National Geographic...
I'm sure it's not
serious, darling.
You'll be all right.
We'll get you better.
In short, he's become
normal again.
What do you mean,
"normal"?
Normal for you maybe.
It looks to me like
a classic case of the
double inversion syndrome.
What we call
the perversion
reversion cycle.
As a doctor, I find it
extremely interesting.
Oh, well, I'm glad
it's so interesting
for you.
I just want to get him back
like he was before.
As a rule, the double
inversion syndrome is
difficult to cure completely.
Oh, I have seen
some raving queens
who turned into
absolute sex machine...
Oh, don't go on.
That's enough, Doctor.
Now, surely there exists
some sort of operation,
a treatment. I'll do anything.
I'll even sacrifice myself.
Doctor, trust me.
How much do I owe you?
Nothing, nothing.
Oh, well, you'll be
seeing me again.
I'll be back soon, I'm sure.
(SOBBING) Troubles
aren't finished yet.
What a business.
Mistress, Mr. Renato
has been arrested.
I don't know why. They called
from the police station.
What?
(SHUDDERING)
What's he done now?
(WHIMPERS)
Excuse me, Doctor,
but I'm having
palpitations.
When you told me
what he'd done, Doctor,
I just collapsed.
Well, I immediately
had a fainting fit, Inspector.
I feel quite...
(GROANING)
But, you see,
he doesn't
do it normally.
Oh, he never
kisses strange women.
And a parking meter girl
you said.
Oh, no.
He never did it before.
Never, no.
You're sick, Renato.
I saw the doctor.
You're very, very sick.
In fact, I've reverted
to my original nature.
Unfortunately, it's gone
far beyond that.
I hid in the locker room
yesterday
after hockey practice
at Miss Julie's Academy.
Don't worry, my dear,
we'll fight this together.
I'll look after you.
We'll go to...
We'll go to Lourdes
if we have to.
The doctor told me
that I'll probably end up
by going completely insane.
(SIGHS)
There maybe is a cure.
I talked to the doctor, but...
Oh, it's not
worth discussing.
And it's a waste of time.
Tell me, darling,
tell me.
An operation.
In New York.
But it'll cost the Earth.
It's out of the question.
There's the journey to
New York, maybe twice,
maybe three times.
Twelve months
staying in the hospital,
the operations, treatment.
I couldn't possibly
allow it, Albin.
No, I just won't permit it.
We can't afford it.
Whatever.
I'll save you.
Whatever it costs,
I'll save you.
Thanks, Albin.
Thanks a lot.
Well...
It's you
who wants a...
No, it's him.
Ah!
It's my friend
who wants
to get married.
Everybody
speaks very highly
of your agency.
They say that
it's the best one around.
You're very kind.
We always try to
keep to our motto.
"If you don't find her here,
she doesn't exist anywhere."
(CHUCKLING)
Tell me a little
about yourself.
I want to hear something
about your taste,
your character.
What sort of man
are you?
Me?
I have to know
as much as I can
about you,
and then I can help you
choose your ideal wife.
What's your profession?
Ah! My profession
is an artiste.
An artiste.
Yes.
A painter, musician
or the theater, perhaps?
Oh, at the moment
I'm doing
a queen bee routine.
He's a writer.
He's writing...
Ah, a writer!
Explain it.
A great work, an opera,
that's it.
About the life of bees.
Ah! Author.
Author, no, authoress.
Then we must find you
a living inspiration.
A muse.
And what sort of woman
are you attracted to?
What sort of
woman do I...
Well, he looks after
all that side.
Renato, what sort
of woman do I want?
It isn't the outside
which counts.
Yes.
It's how she is
inside, you see.
A blonde, brunette,
ginger, it hasn't
the slightest importance.
As long as
she's morally pure.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Maybe
the maternal type.
Excuse me, I think
I'm going to throw up.
Oh, keep calm, Albin.
I am calm.
What sort of age?
Oh, the same age
as he is.
The same age
as you are,
if that's okay.
Shall we say 50?
Fifty...
Forty?
Forty?
What shall I say?
Thirty-five?
Thirty.
And what about
her height?
Oh, what you have,
it doesn't matter.
Whatever you have...
Oh, the size
is of no importance
at all, it's not.
It's really
not important.
Okay.
To pinpoint, I need you
to be more precise
about what you require.
Right. What does
she mean by...
If I ask you to pick
your favorite star
from the cinema,
then who would you choose?
Oh, Robert Redford.
I've always loved...
Mary Redford.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Albin.
Who's the lady?
You are.
Well, then, the lady
comes into the restaurant
first, all right?
(SIGHS) We can start
all that at the table.
No, no. We start
in the doorway.
Come along.
Try once more.
(SIGHS)
Well, you're not
a duke yet.
Don't overdo it.
Still no good?
(SIGHING)
What a performance.
Albin?
Yes? What now?
I'm standing up.
Oh, then sit down,
can't you,
for heaven's sake.
A gentleman waits to be
seated until after the lady
has sat down herself.
(SIGHS)
After you
please, madame.
There we are then.
(SCOFFS) A gentleman.
More like a head waiter.
Exactly.
Waiter.
The lady and gentleman
would like a drink?
Oh, well, I'd like
a drop of champagne.
A Kir Royale.
Champagne with
a nuance of cassis.
Albin?
The lady always
orders first.
Oh, excuse me.
Would you ask madame
what she'd like to order?
Madame would like
an aperitif?
A Kir champagne.
Very good, ma'am.
Our tastes
are compatible.
Now make advances to me.
What?
Yes.
You want me to court you?
Mmm-hmm.
At our age? Hmm.
After 25 years.
It's charming. Charming.
But a bit ridiculous.
Yes, you're right.
Madame, you can
come in now.
Madame.
Please.
I invited her because
I thought it might
just help you out.
Perhaps with her...
Excuse me.
Now make me yours.
Renato, is this a trick?
No, it's just to
give you a bit of practice,
a rehearsal. Come on.
You must take
my hand, Albin.
Why must I?
Because that's
how it's done.
Not in my book.
She's waiting for you.
Come on, take her hand.
What are you doing?
You look as though
you're holding
a dirty tissue.
Come on,
get some passion in it.
(SNICKERS)
Now, wait a minute.
Move over. Move over.
Watch how I do it.
Madame.
What beautiful hands
you have, my dear.
And what lovely fingers.
Renato.
So soft and delicate.
(SOFTLY) Oh.
These adorable fingers...
ALBIN: Renato, please.
Renato!
...which I long to kiss.
Renato.
I want to cover you
in kisses.
Stop, Renato.
Oh, my sweet angel.
Renato. Listen to me.
Renato!
Have you completely
lost your head?
Of course not.
It's just a demonstration.
You get the picture now?
Come along.
You're letting things
get out of hand.
Albin, come along.
Your turn.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Pick up her hand.
Come on, Albin,
speak to her.
You've got...
(STAMMERING)
I think you've got very
beautiful hands, madame.
Oh, that was lovely.
Lovely!
(SNIFFLING)
What's the matter
with you?
What's the matter?
I can't go through
with this, it's impossible.
Please leave me alone.
Renato.
Take this hand
out of mine.
You have the most
beautiful hands, madame.
I've fallen under your spell.
There, you see,
nothing to it at all.
Do you want tea or coffee
this morning, mistress?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Jacob.
Keep this
for monsieur Baldi.
To be opened
after my death.
You gonna
commit suicide
again, mistress?
What do you mean?
This is the first time
this year.
Since I've been here,
you've done it every year.
Oh, and twice last year.
Yes. But this,
it's the real thing.
It's the real thing.
Yes. Because at last
I know what I want
out of suicide.
I want to die.
Adieu, Jacob.
See you later, mistress.
Don't you listen
while I'm talking?
Adieu, Jacob.
I'm going to die.
Spread-eagled underneath
the railway bridge.
I want to be
run over
by an enormous,
an enormous locomotive.
You break at least
five ostrich feathers
every time you fly, Albin.
We can't afford
to keep on buying new ones
for every show. Albin!
Where's her ladyship?
She's gone to
commit suicide.
Ah! First time this year.
She left you
an envelope
with me.
Hold this.
Oh, may the Lord
give me strength.
Oh, dear.
"I choose to die
so that you may
live happily."
Good.
What a nice thought,
isn't it?
"To pay for your treatment,
you can use
my life insurance."
Where has he gone,
this martyr?
I don't know.
He said something about
a railway bridge.
(SIGHS) My God,
what have I done?
My God,
what have I done
to deserve this?
Just tell me
what I've done,
will you?
(SIGHS)
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
Here we go again.
And what is it this time?
This is goodbye, Renato.
It's the best way.
I love you.
It's the only solution.
Adieu.
This is a branch line.
There's only one train
every week.
Are you planning
to sit there
for seven days, hmm?
And when's
the next train?
Oh, come on.
I don't know that.
Monday, I've checked
the schedule.
Today's what?
Monday.
You can put your ear
to the track if you like.
Don't be an imbecile.
Get up now.
Oh, yes.
Come on, Albin.
It's time to finish
this charade.
Believe me,
this is goodbye.
I'm good for nothing.
There's nothing I can do
to help, is there?
The world will go on
without me.
It doesn't matter
if I disappear.
You, you'll find a cure
to make you normal,
while I...
Oh, well.
I'll vanish into limbo.
Cut in two.
But
happy.
All right,
have it your own way.
So long, Albin.
Oh, no. Come on.
Where are you off to now?
To get a box to put you in
when you end up
like a jigsaw puzzle.
Oh, no, Renato.
Albin, stop it now.
The game's gone
far enough. Let's go.
No, leave me.
I'm not playing a game,
as you'll see for yourself
in a minute.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
All right,
I'll tell you
the truth now.
I lied to you.
Yes, I lied to you.
It's not true,
I haven't turned into
a heterosexual at all.
What?
It was only
so we could get
the inheritance.
It was only to
make you get married.
Albin!
(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS)
You still mad at me?
(SIGHS)
But, really,
what is it
I've done?
Tell me why
you're angry with me?
Oh, leave me alone,
can't you?
You really don't seem
to have any idea
that you've been
walking about like
a complete madman.
But what have
I done to you?
Oh, nothing,
only ruined my life.
Ruined it, haven't you?
You've messed up
my whole life.
I'm nothing but sick of you.
One more word out of you
and I hit you like that.
Stop, stop!
Get off of me. The car's
going out of control.
Oh, shut up!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, God.
Oh, dear!
Oh, my God, Renato!
He's dead.
You killed him.
Let's take a look.
He may be all right.
(SOBBING) Oh, no,
you killed him, Renato.
There, you killed
a lovely boy.
It's your fault.
I couldn't see
where I was going.
(BOTH SIGHING)
No bones broken?
Are you in any pain?
Me? I'm fine, thank you.
My motorbike's
a total write-off,
I've just been jilted
by the man I love.
And what's more?
What's more?
(SOBBING)
I'm expecting a baby.
Things couldn't be better,
could they?
Everything's going
just fine, and...
(WOMAN SOBBING)
(SIGHING)
Hello, there.
Well, hello.
You recognize me?
Of course I do.
I just wanted
to apologize again
about the accident.
You just bought
these for me.
Mmm-hmm.
Can I have a quick word
with you in private?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(SOFTLY) Over here.
I believe you have
one or two problems.
I'd like to try
and help you.
Look, it's just
my problem.
I'm sorry.
I really shouldn't
have told you.
I have a proposition to make.
WOMAN: Oh, Cindy,
where are the
Hana Mandlikovas?
In those boxes, there.
A proposition?
Something which
may well surprise you,
but it's all perfectly legal.
You could be a duchess
worth several million and
have a father for your child.
That's what
they all tell you.
Well, this time
it's true.
I'm too old
for fairy stories.
I'm afraid it's not
exactly all that romantic.
It involves marrying
a bee, you see.
A queen bee.
A bee?
If you come tonight
to the Cage Aux Folles,
it's the premier
of our new production.
I'll introduce you
to your future husband.
You'll come?
Why not?
♪ Oh, once there lived a fairy
at the bottom of my garden
(YODELING)
♪ Oh, she made
my little flowers grow
(YODELING)
♪ Oh, the fairy
said to me,
"Kind, sir..." ♪
Hi, Mumsie.
Oh, Laurent.
Oh, how lovely!
It's so nice of you to
come so often, mon cheri.
Oh, something wrong?
My father-in-law has
resigned his position.
It's true. It happened
this morning.
And I'm to blame.
But why?
"La Cage Aux Folles
funded directly with donations
from the Moral Order Party."
(SIGHING)
"President Charrier
finances drag queens
at the Cage Aux Folles."
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
You know that check
I gave to Papa?
Yes, well?
It was signed by Charrier.
But Papa had that check
directly paid to
the Cage Aux Folles.
(GASPS)
I really don't know
how the press
managed to get
a hold of this story.
But there's the result.
Oh, how awful for him.
Charrier's more or less
delirious. It's frightening.
He's howling like a lunatic.
He's been locked
in his room all day.
He won't speak to anybody.
Oh, we do seem
to bring him bad luck,
don't we?
(WEEPING) Bastards!
They've ruined me. Oh, God!
The bastards have raped me.
God! I'm done for.
They've got me.
I'm absolutely finished now!
Look at it all
over this disgusting rag!
The bastards! Oh!
(WAILING)
Filth! Filth! Filth!
Simon! Calm yourself!
Calm down, Simon!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Baldi.
Yes?
I represent
Mr. Mortimer Woodson.
Mr. Woodson is also
Emma MacGovern's nephew
and is therefore the cousin
of your companion.
From the glimpses that
I've had of the personality
of Mr. Mougeotte...
Yeah?
...I would suggest
that producing
a son and heir might
prove difficult for him.
So, I'm prepared
to make an offer for you.
Divide the inheritance.
I'm not talking about
dividing anything.
I'm talking about
multiplying.
Producing a child isn't
such a big problem for Albin,
as you seem to imagine.
Have a nice evening.
How's it going?
Enjoying yourself?
Very much, thank you.
You like the show?
It's very good.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
There's your future husband.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
The queen. It's him?
Yes, that's him.
The queen.
Stop this!
I'm putting a stop
to all this right now.
Wanted to get rid of me.
Thought they'd destroy me.
You're finished.
I'm ready to take on
the lot of you, you hear me?
I'm not gonna
lie down under this
pile of filth!
I'm fighting back!
Fighting back!
I'm closing down
this monstrous haven
of perversion!
Arrest that man at once. Oh!
Shut up!
Somebody get the gun
away from him!
Totalist!
Now listen, you.
We are the Party
of Public Morality.
The proprietors of
this cesspit of ill fame
have been trying to ruin
my political career
and to destroy
my reputation.
They were successful.
But by God,
they'll pay.
And I'll begin with you,
you pervert!
Renato!
Quickly, get her up!
Prepare to die!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Move now. Go on!
Go on! Go on!
No, no, no, no!
(ALBIN SHRIEKING)
Let me down.
Oh, do something.
I can't stop!
And voila!
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
For God's sake.
It's too much!
ALBIN: Oh, do something!
He's a lunatic. Please!
(WEEPING)
Brilliant. Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's welcome
President Charrier,
who's made a brilliant
debut here tonight and
who I'd now like to invite
to become an honorary member
of the Cage Aux Folles.
(DRUM ROLL)
(CHUCKLING) Up!
Bravo! Yes! Yes!
I'll take that, Mr. President.
Thank you. Thank you.
Bravo!
Bravo!
(WAILING)
What about me?
(DOOR OPENS)
How is he, Doctor?
Is he all right?
Luckily for him,
not one of the bullets
actually penetrated his flesh.
He was lucky.
His feathers were riddled
with bullets.
He's calmed down
but I'm afraid he's still
suffering from shock.
He's got reason to be.
It's not often
he gets fired at
on opening night.
It was a very lucky
escape anyway.
Now, it's my turn
to get fired at.
I think you'd better go
and see him yourself.
I'll call again soon.
Bye-bye, Doctor.
How're you feeling?
Albin, didn't you
hear my question?
How're you feeling?
All right.
I'm just picking out
the bits of shrapnel.
Really,
it was a terrible thing
that happened. Horrible.
But what a triumph,
wasn't it?
A triumph for me?
Or for Charrier?
Oh, for you, of course.
Mind you, Charrier
didn't do too badly.
That has given me an idea.
Why not include the whole
thing in your act?
In comes a hunter, bang!
Suddenly he's winged you
like in Swan Lake.
And you're
signing up Charrier?
Oh, with blanks in his rifle,
naturally.
Oh, yes. But why stop
at blank bullets?
Real bullets are funnier.
Don't be so melodramatic,
Albin. In the end,
you didn't come to any harm.
You've got to admit,
the audience loved it.
Did you ever
fight in a war?
No.
Hmm.
Failed the medical?
Well, I was in
the frontline today.
I was almost killed
by the enemy.
I ought to get a medal.
But instead,
they applauded my assassin.
Come on, Albin.
Let's forget about it now.
You're okay, aren't you?
It's over and done with.
Stop. Let go of my feet.
Listen, how's Cindy?
You know, the girl
you're engaged to.
She's become
a fan of yours now.
I saw her applauding you.
That's polite of her.
No, she really meant it.
She's a nice kid.
I'm only just recovering
after a lunatic makes
an attack on me.
And now I've got to
face up to marriage.
And the inheritance.
And all the rest of it.
But we haven't talked
about each other.
That's important, too.
Isn't it?
Our love.
Ah, I'm afraid life
isn't all poetry.
(SIGHS) I don't believe it.
And what have you got
in place of a heart,
monsieur? Hmm?
A pocket calculator?
Albin.
Hold your tongue.
Don't say a word.
But, Albin.
Silence.
But I haven't
said anything.
But you were just about to.
I could sense it. Leave me.
I go to my destiny.
Don't follow me.
RENATO: I haven't
moved a muscle.
I know.
I could tell
you were about
to spring after me.
Adieu, Renato.
(SOBS) It's over.
(SOBBING)
Bitch!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SOBBING) I'm gonna
burst into tears.
I can't help it.
I'm gonna burst into tears.
(IMITATES CRYING)
I believed everything
he told me.
I was such a fool.
Then...
Then I found out
he was married.
That's why I left him.
You loved him?
Maybe you still love him.
No.
I don't think so.
I don't know. Maybe.
It's getting cold here.
Have this.
Thanks.
I'm definitely not married.
I swear it.
I am, almost.
I'm expecting a baby.
I want to have it.
But it must have a father.
(CHUCKLES)
This isn't a very
lucky trip for me.
As soon as I get here,
I fall for you.
And the affair's
already over.
(BOTH LAUGH)
No. No,
it's impossible.
But when can I see you?
Please let me see you again.
It's too complicated.
(INAUDIBLE)
They're all monsters.
Monstrous egotists.
Men are all the same.
Mmm.
We're just young
and innocent.
And they take
advantage of it.
(SCOFFS)
My God, I've really
been so blind about him.
He used to say,
"I have to go to work now,
my darling."
And he was really
going back to his wife.
A whole year
he strung me along
like that.
Thirty years, me.
Thirty.
And all the while thinking
that the man who lived
with me loved me.
All the while thinking
that our life together
was a romance.
A love story.
And now I discover that
it was all just
a question of cash.
(SNORTS)
Oh, I loved that man so.
(SOBBING) Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
You see, there was
so much love.
Shh.
So much love.
Excuse me.
Don't cry.
You must stop or
you'll make me cry, too.
What's to become of me now?
And me.
What's to become of me?
It's impossible for me
to live with a man again.
I couldn't either.
Maybe we should get married,
the two of us.
It's not such a bad idea.
Okay.
Yeah.
It'll work out fine.
(SIGHS)
Thank you for
walking me home, Cindy.
It's so frightening
these days.
All these drug-crazed
sailors and so on.
Good night, Albin.
Sleep well.
Oh.
I can't face going in
by myself.
I don't want to see him.
Or talk to him.
Come in with me.
But, no, I shouldn't.
Oh, do.
I'm harmless.
What did I tell you?
Hasn't waited up for me,
you see?
He's snoring.
In bed asleep.
He doesn't care.
(SIGHS)
I could be anywhere
and he's gone to bed.
He doesn't care
what happens to me.
Don't get worked up
about it now, Albin.
Go to bed, it's late.
(SIGHS)
Oh, in the old days,
he would have gone
to every police station.
I'll help you
take off your makeup.
No, it's too much trouble.
Getting it off
is so complicated.
It's too much for me
at the moment.
Oh, no, no.
I use number three,
sweetheart.
Oh, he would have
phoned the police,
the fire department.
He wouldn't have
stopped looking for me
until I was safe.
Wouldn't have stopped.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Oh.
My God.
I look like a zombie.
Oh, la, la, la.
Oh, I'm completely
past the point when
cleansing cream's any use.
(GIGGLES)
Just hose me down, dear.
(CHUCKLES)
Being a couple is going
to be very useful.
We can help each other
with our makeup.
(CHUCKLES)
I can wear your clothes.
But I don't think
we take the same size.
Oh, practically.
I'm probably a bit slimmer
but I can take them in, dear.
Those eyelashes.
Are you wearing them in bed?
Oh, no, no. No.
I don't wear them in bed.
Oh, no.
Well, hardly ever.
You go and get undressed.
I won't look at you.
ALBIN: I'm ready.
Hmm.
What should I do tomorrow?
Talk to him or ignore him?
Decide tomorrow, huh?
Hmm.
Good night, Albin.
Sleep well.
I like you very much, Cindy.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GASPS)
Cindy,
what brings you here?
Can't I spend time
with my future husband?
Bon appetit, Mr. Renato.
Thank you.
Good morning.
(WHISTLING)
Good morning, Albin.
I didn't hear you
come in last night.
(HUMMING)
But I did happen to
see Cindy leaving your
room this morning,
at daybreak.
(IN DEEP VOICE)
You've been trying to
make a man out of me,
you've succeeded.
You wanted a marriage,
well, you're gonna have one.
But you're gonna
get a few surprises.
For example?
Oh, well...
Don't expect to be
invited over to stay.
Look, man, if you know
what's good for you,
don't show your face
in Scotland.
That's all I have to say.
Now it's my turn, Albin.
So, after everything
I have done for you,
you're throwing me over,
now that you haven't
any more use for me,
that's it, huh?
Oh, I am not going to try
and cling on to you
or anything like that.
But you'll miss me.
You're going to miss me,
I can tell you that.
Your creation has
cast off his bonds,
Dr. Frankenstein.
Albin! Albin!
Wait a minute.
Where on Earth are
you going to now?
I am going to
do some shopping.
Shopping? But we
don't need anything.
We've got everything.
It's not for
anything domestic.
I have to get things
for the baby, now, don't I?
Oh, what're you
doing over there?
You needn't rock it.
There isn't a baby
inside, is there?
There isn't a baby?
Then why buy all this stuff?
You have eight months
to worry about
all this, haven't you?
Oh, go away then.
All right, all right,
I am going outside.
I can't stand
any more of this.
Look after the baby carriage.
Get out, let me
finish my shopping.
I haven't got
the diapers, have I?
Tell me, darling, do you
have those, you know,
little panties,
elastic bottoms,
leak-proof, naturally.
And then, could you show me,
if it's at all possible, your
range of maternity dresses?
What size, sir?
Oh, my size, of course.
I'll see if I can find
some for you, sir.
You can see me, can't you?
Size.
Oh, cheri, she asked me
what size I am.
Yes, I'm nearly finished.
Look, the whole thing's gone
far enough now. Get over here
now, on the pavement.
On the pavement?
Yes, yes, I've got it.
Up, up!
Yes, all right,
I've got it. I've got it.
First it was
the Scottish incident...
Oh, stop going on
about it all the time.
All right, I've had
enough, I am leaving.
All right, go.
Goodbye.
Leave me, I don't care.
Mr. Baldi,
won't you join me?
Make it brief, I don't
have much time. I am
very busy at the moment.
I'll be brief then.
Tell Albin to let Cindy
off the hook.
And why should he
do that?
Because she wants
to marry me.
I am sorry, but,
well, she really seems
to like Albin.
It's much simpler
if you find someone else.
It shouldn't be difficult
for you to find an expectant
mother somewhere
who'd like to be a duchess.
And it doesn't really
matter to Albin who it is.
Listen, can't you?
All I want is to marry Cindy.
I don't want the money.
Very touching.
But it makes no difference.
He's going ahead
with the marriage
to spite me.
I know he is.
At the moment he is
quite capable of seeing
it through to the end.
Oh, Cindy, hello,
my darling.
I am knitting
a little sweater
for you-know-who.
I sent off for some
Scottish wool, too, and I'll
make a little tartan hat.
You know, with
the pom-pom on it?
Is there something
the matter, darling?
I don't want to get
married, Albin.
Oh, that's rather unfair.
You can't abandon me
with a child to look after.
It's because of Mortimer,
your cousin.
Mortimer?
But this has nothing
to do with Mortimer.
I think that I have
fallen in love with him.
Oh, it couldn't have
happened at a worse time.
Now I have really
spoiled everything
for you.
(EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH)
I've pricked myself.
Really, I'm out of practice.
But I have been practicing
with the bottle.
There, gently does it.
Oh, come along,
don't look so sad, Cindy.
Hmm?
There's your dress to order,
the guests to invite.
You'll see, we won't regret
getting married. Hmm?
Oh, that's the way.
I've got it.
Look, oh, Renato, look.
You want to taste it, dear?
See, see how I do it?
(EXCLAIMING)
It's really hot, isn't it?
Oh, God.
Where are you going?
You've won, haven't you?
You have my best
wishes for the future.
I won't bother you again.
Adieu.
(SCOFFS)
What day is it?
Monday.
Oh, my God, the train.
Jacob, Jacob, quick!
Mister?
Call me a taxi.
Here, hold the baby bottle.
Oh, my God!
I knew that's what
he was going to do.
(SIGHS)
Oh, this is nice.
What a beautiful day.
I want to die alone, Albin.
I think I deserve that
at least?
Hmm...
I've been lying on these rails
for 20 years on and off, and I
have never actually done it.
So, I'm afraid, I'm
not impressed, my dear.
You're mistaken, Albin,
I am not moving until
the train has passed.
I have decided I don't
want to live anymore.
At last I have realized
you are the only person
I care for,
so if I am going to have to
lose you, there's no point in
my going on living.
There you are,
I am better off dead.
Adieu.
Put a few of your wedding
flowers on my tomb.
Oh, you really
feel that way?
Oh, now I'm happy.
Oh, you feel that way
about me.
What're you doing?
I want to die with you.
Oh, that is comfortable.
I can see it now.
In the end, you're right,
you know.
It's the only thing
left for us to do.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
Isn't that the train?
Oh, yes, right on time,
as usual.
Albin.
Look, isn't it just
a little bit absurd to
do this at our age?
You and me, playing
Romeo and Juliet?
Can we change pillows, dear?
This one's too hard.
Oh, forget about the pillow.
We have to talk
seriously, Albin.
Albin.
Yes?
If you promise not
to get married,
then I'll forget about
the whole damn thing,
I swear it.
Give me your hand,
Renato.
It's how it should be,
your hand in mine.
As the train cuts us
in two.
Oh, come on, I have
had enough of this.
You think I am really going
to lie there till the train
cuts me into little pieces?
Ah, all a trick,
wasn't it?
Well, monsieur,
the game's up for you.
Now, you pay attention to
what I say. I am getting
married, come what may.
And if you want anything
from my aunt's legacy,
you'll be witnesses
at the wedding.
Mortimer and you.
(BOTH ARGUING)
Shut up!
Shut up yourself.
(BOTH ARGUING)
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
Where is the bridegroom?
He must have got
delayed somewhere.
We've got three other
weddings this afternoon.
I am afraid if he's not
here in five minutes,
I'm sorry, I'll have to go
on to the next one.
He's coming.
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
(GUESTS CLAPPING)
MAN: Oh, it's out
of this world.
(LAUGHS) Darling, it's moi!
At the last moment,
I couldn't resist it.
I mean, I have always
wanted the chance to
wear white nuptials.
Most amusing, yes,
but where is the
bridegroom then?
Oh, silly man, nobody
is getting married.
There's no wedding.
It's all off now.
There's nothing at all.
Just us. Hmm?
And what do I do
after all this?
I've got
the perfect solution.
Listen, young man,
you still want to
marry Cindy?
Yes, I do.
Then I'll put this
proposal to you.
Albin will renounce
all claim on the Scottish
will, all right?
And according to the will,
that makes you the
sole beneficiary
of your aunt's estate.
You can split it 50-50
with us,
provided that
you marry Cindy.
Uh, sure, sure,
I'll do it.
The name of the bridegroom's
been altered, but you can have
your wedding after all.
Then let's begin.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You've solved everything.
Oh, you constantly
amaze me, dear.
Brilliant, but rather
naughty as usual.
Oh, what a wicked thing
you are. You're a devil.
A proper devil
with horns on.
Oh, he's wonderful.
Listen, Monsieur Mayor,
we're going to leave now.
Off on our honeymoon.
Where shall it be?
Venice or the Himalayas?
Oh, smile now.
Why don't you
pop the question to me?
Which one?
Oh, as if I was
a blushing young thing.
"Mademoiselle Zaza,
I request your hand
in marriage."
Oh, I can't.
Mademoiselle, I hereby
request your hand
in marriage.
Oh, willingly.
Bravo, mister. Bravo.
(ALBIN LAUGHING)
♪ Now it's up to me
♪ To make my world a happy one
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ To let the sun shine in
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ To let the shadows
bring me down
♪ I've got to try
and if I fall
♪ I'll fall
and I will rise again
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ I know that all I need to do
♪ Somehow will be done
♪ 'Cause it is done for you
♪ Can't make believe
I'm someone else
♪ I know it's up to me
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ I know the way I want to be
♪ I see the life
I want to lead
♪ I know the one I want ♪
♪ To make my world a happy one
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ To let the sun shine in
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ To let the shadows
bring me down
♪ I've got to try
and if I fall
♪ I'll fall and I
will rise again
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ I know that all I need to do
♪ Somehow will be done
♪ 'Cause it is done
♪ For you can't make believe
♪ I'm someone else
♪ I know it's up to me
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ I know the way I want to be
♪ I see the life
I want to lead
♪ I know the one
I want with me ♪
(HORN HONKING)
Albin!
Albin!
Albin? Albin!
...seven and eight.
And now, one
and two and three
and four and five.
And one and two
and three and four.
Extend now.
One and two and three...
Albin!
ALBIN: Yes! All right,
I'm coming!
Now, I've hurt myself.
Here we are.
You see what happens
when I'm rushed.
Oh, the whole thing is
outrageous. Outrageous.
Oh, look at me.
What do you think?
You look ravishing!
An undertaker.
A blackbird.
A horror! I expect people
will throw stones at me.
Hmm?
I look ridiculous like this.
What do you mean
"ridiculous"?
You look absolutely normal.
Oh, yes. Oh, it's normal
to look dreary and miserable
when you dress this way.
Oh, sure. With a pair
of bangles in your ears,
you'd look much happier.
Oh!
No. Come to Mummy.
Oh, here we are
my little Rambo.
Now, you will
look after Rambo
for me, won't you?
But why don't you take him
to Scotland with you?
To Scotland?
No, they don't let animals
into the country.
Oh, no. I'd never get him
past the customs.
But after all,
he's only stuffed.
Oh, simply...
But, no, stuffed.
Oh, you can't go to Scot...
No!
Oh, well!
Do look, the mistress
in fancy dress.
Oh! You see,
the insults are starting!
Jacob, just go look
for me in the kitchen!
(GROANS)
ALBIN: Thank you.
Goodbye now, my pet.
Say to Mummy,
"Goodbye, Mummy.
"Goodbye, Mummy."
God bless. Oh!
♪ I'll take the high road
and you'll take the... ♪
(DANCERS LAUGHING)
(DANCERS CHEERING)
DANCER: Oh, my dear,
I don't believe it!
(DANCERS MOCKING)
All dolled up like a pig!
Oh, look! It's Tyrone Power!
Do you think she's wearing
a bra underneath all that?
Boys! That will be
enough of that.
Just ignore them.
(DANCERS CHATTERING)
Come on. Come on.
Let's go.
Hurry up.
You'll miss the plane.
Why are you shuffling
like that?
Come on, hurry!
All right.
I can't walk properly
in flat shoes.
You know that.
I lose my balance.
It's terrible.
Be serious, Albin.
In Scotland,
you've got to
present yourself
as being respectable
when the lawyers
read the will.
You can't turn up in
high heels. For God's
sake, be reasonable.
Oh, I can't bear it.
My clothes itch,
my socks, my trousers.
Everything itches.
It's quite impossible.
Look who's there.
Oh!
...so the Party of Order
and Morality
of which I am honored
to be president
would like me,
for the final time, to
extend congratulations
for your high moral tone
in this region.
Papa!
Mumsie!
Hello, darling.
You see Mumsie's awful rags?
You know why?
But you look fine.
Oh, hear the boy?
Going to Scotland
for the inheritance?
Actually I feel more like
I'm going to a funeral
or something.
Just look at me, dear.
Nonsense! Excuse me,
I have to go to work.
Of course.
Should we go and
kiss your father-in-law?
Not here. He'll have
a stroke on the spot.
Bye, Mummy.
See you, Papa.
Bye-bye.
Come on, let's go.
I hope he didn't see us.
Now hurry up.
Just walk properly.
Try to look
as inconspicuous
as possible.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Gentlemen, let me say that
I'm very satisfied with this
visit I made to your province.
Thank you.
Thank you.
MAN: Thank you, Mr. Charrier.
I don't have to remind you
how important to us
this inheritance is.
As you know,
we are faced with
a total financial disaster.
So will you please...
You see that
cheeky boy over there,
eyeing you up like that?
Who?
That gigolo there.
He's looking at you.
See him?
Flirting with you.
Who, me?
Yes, you. Not me.
Listen, Albin.
Whatever happens,
we've got to do something
about settling our debts.
And this...
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Why isn't that man
looking my way?
God.
Obviously this suit makes me
completely invisible.
I blend into the walls,
just like part of the airport.
(GROANS) I can't stand
much more of it.
Come on,
let's sit somewhere else.
Come along.
I'd really like
to slap your face
but I'm not going to.
Ogling people you don't know.
Wherever were you brought up?
Degenerate.
Well...
Goodbye, darling.
Just remember not to make
an exhibition of yourself.
Uh-huh.
MAN: Passport.
My passport.
Do what you like.
My feet hurt.
Oh, these shoes.
Problem with my feet.
Thank you, dear.
Our bags, bagages. Yes.
Here we are.
(ALARM RINGING)
Bye-bye.
Sir, this way, please.
Me? Do you see me?
Come along, sir.
This way.
Here I come.
You've set off the alarm.
Oh!
How awful.
It's never happened
to me before, I swear.
You see, I... Oh.
Empty your pockets, please.
Come along, sir.
Empty your pockets.
I feel like a spy.
You mean you want to see...
Take a look.
This is my everyday makeup.
Now this is different,
you see?
I think you must have
some metal object on you.
Objects?
Metal, yes.
But I've already...
Metal.
Yes, metal.
Yes, of course,
I have some.
I have this. It's metal.
Interesting, isn't it?
I'll open it.
Yes, that's all right, sir.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
There we are.
Well, you can see
for yourself. I think
this one's enchanting.
See what you think.
Isn't it? Little more?
Might be a trifle pale.
But for you, something
more rugged like that.
Madam, this way, please.
Thank you, ma'am.
There we are. Hmm.
He's gone off and left me.
Oh! He didn't care.
All right, I don't mind.
I just don't believe it.
He asked to see my things
then when I show him,
he's not interested at all.
He thinks
we're drug-traffickers.
I'm not a trafficker,
all right? I've got powder,
a bit of face powder.
He didn't even give me
a proper body search.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
It's outrageous, to make
what I can only call these
scandalous insinuations
which you may think
mean absolutely nothing
but which I find
grossly insulting.
Welcome to Scotland,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Now you're here,
we'll be able to proceed
with the reading of the will.
The other side, please.
The other side. Yes.
Good morning, sir.
Here we are.
Comfortable?
Come along.
Cover yourself up, dear.
Cover yourself.
That's what the blanket's for.
There we are.
DULAC: Here we are.
If the ground
plan which my colleague in
Aberdeen sent me is correct,
your late Aunt Emma's estate
starts just here
and then stretches
all the way to the sea
down there.
Oh, but the sea is
such a long way away.
It certainly is.
But the estate
goes even further.
Oh, very good.
It goes even further, nice.
But does that mean
the sea is mine, or...
Sorry, no.
No, the sea. You know?
The sea.
Yes, it's mine.
No, no. Sorry, no.
I'm afraid not.
No, it's not.
DULAC: All inland waters,
rivers, burns, lochs, yes.
But the sea, no.
ALBIN: The sea, no?
Now here are your fields,
you see?
Ah! And some
of your farm laborers.
LABORER: Aye, mornin'.
(SHEEP BLEATING)
DULAC: All those sheep
are yours.
All these trees are yours
and here are some
of your woodcutters.
Oh, beautiful specimens.
Some of them are more
than 200 years old.
The woodcutters?
Sorry?
Oh, excuse me.
The trees you mean.
Of course.
No, I thought you meant
the woodcutters. I'm sorry.
A little misunderstanding
there. No problem.
And here we have your castle
and these are your servants,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Fine.
Sir.
Oh, how nice.
Very pleased
to welcome you, sir.
Tallyho.
This way, sir.
Hi.
Oh, yes.
Excuse me.
Good day to you, sir.
I'm Mrs. McPherson, sir.
And this is Angela.
Oh, yes. Angela.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Eleanor.
Eleanor.
Oh, what a sweetie.
Oh, but they're all...
They're all charming.
Here we have the kitchen staff
and the ground staff, sir.
Oh, how do you do?
We already met.
Oh, sorry. Oh, this is
very, very confusing.
Oh, the kitchen staff!
Bon appetit.
Oh, half of Scotland.
Don't be disappointed.
After all, half is better
than nothing, isn't it?
Oh, yes.
Oh, they're all wearing kilts.
Oh, my dear,
they're all quite superb.
In fact what's more,
what do you say
to a new dance, eh?
Yes! To put in the revue.
We'll replace the bees ballet
with a Scots extravaganza.
Oh, no! You beast!
You are terrible.
Don't be so crude.
Don't worry now.
All our problems are solved,
aren't they?
There'll be plenty of money.
Oh, before you go,
let me tell you,
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm in here like
a little gentleman.
Yes, you needn't worry.
Oh, believe me,
quite restrained.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Yeah. And you.
And you. I must go now.
Nice Mr. Dulac
has just walked in.
Yes, but don't worry.
Silly boy.
Yes, what is it?
We have to get on
with the reading
of the will, sir.
(LAUGHS) I was just...
Oh, dear, I'm quite flustered.
Please, this way,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Let me introduce you
to Mr. Kennedy,
the executor of the estate.
Mr. Mortimer Woodson,
your cousin.
Do please sit down,
gentlemen.
We will now read the last
will and testament
of your maternal aunt,
the late
Miss Emma MacGovern.
Please proceed.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"This is my last will
and testament.
"I leave to my nephew,
Albin Mougeotte..."
Present.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"...the following bequeath.
The estate Manor Whalsey,
"and all my stocks, shares,
bonds and securities
"which are valued currently
at 10 million pounds..."
(WHISPERING) That'll be
one hundred million francs
at least.
(GASPS)
"...and which are deposited
in the Aberdeen branch of
Barclays Bank.
"And in addition,
the title Duke of Wellington."
I prefer duchess. Sorry.
This legacy has a condition
attached to it.
And if this is not respected
by the said Albin Mougeotte...
Mougeotte.
...he will be disinherited
and will forfeit everything to
his cousin Mortimer Woodson.
This is the condition.
"My beneficiary,
Mr. Mougeotte,
must have a wife
"to whom he is
legally married
"and a legitimate child
by the said wife
within 18 months
"from the date of
the reading of my will."
(GASPS) Would you
repeat that, please?
I didn't quite...
No, I'll explain it.
(CHUCKLES)
Excuse us. Yes.
You see,
you have to be married.
Mmm-hmm.
What?
You must be married.
Yes, but with
a female?
Oh, yes, naturally,
and have a child.
(GASPS)
(WHIMPERS)
(GROANS)
Mr. Mougeotte.
Mr. Mougeotte.
It's all right.
Mr. Mougeotte.
(GRUNTING) Come on now,
Mr. Mougeotte.
Mr. Mougeotte,
pull yourself together.
What time does
the next plane go?
At 5:00, I think.
It's all right,
Mr. Mougeotte.
There you go.
That's it.
Can you manage?
Take it easy.
Careful.
Yes, I'll be with you
in a moment, Mr. Mougeotte.
(EXHALES)
Please.
Ah, yes.
Mr. Mougeotte!
Mr. Mougeotte!
Well, Mr. Kennedy,
what do you think?
I think you're about to
become enormously wealthy.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, no.
Now it's raining as well.
That's Scotland for you.
Oh.
(HONKING)
Mr. Mougeotte,
I understand your problem,
believe me.
Some problem, dear.
But surely for 10 million,
wouldn't it be
at least worth a try?
Don't you think?
I wouldn't dream of it,
Mr. Dulac.
Some things are impossible.
Even for 10 million.
Would you marry me
for example,
for 10 million?
Mmm. Well, I might.
Are you really
serious about me?
Mad fool.
Let's get this clear, Dulac.
There never was
an inheritance.
It was a misunderstanding,
hmm?
We won't mention it again.
Mr. Mougeotte,
I beg you to reconsider.
Mr. Mougeotte.
Yes.
Ten million pounds.
Look at the documents.
It's all there.
Oh,
but I understand everything.
It's perfectly simple.
Oh!
My bag, please.
My case and my hat box.
Thank you.
Oh!
Ah, Renato.
Albin.
Oh, I feel as if I've
been away for an eternity.
Oh.
How much?
An eternity.
No, I mean how much?
How much of what?
Inheritance.
Isn't it customary
to begin with some
sort of polite comment?
For example,
"How are you?
"Did you have good weather?
Was it a nice trip?
"Did you remember
to wear your woolly?"
Hmm?
If I must. I hope you
remembered to wear
a sweater in the evening.
A little late, young man.
Fine. And now,
perhaps you can tell me
how things went in Scotland.
I have the right to
know that at least.
No sunshine.
Lots of rain.
I get the horrors when
I'm flying. There's
nothing else to tell you.
Oh, really?
You haven't mentioned
the inheritance, the castle.
And how about the money?
That was a mistake.
A mistake?
Yes, a mistake...
(GASPS)
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
(WHOOPING)
Oh, no. Stop that.
It's grotesque. Oh!
Grotesque?
I thought that's
what you wanted.
I don't want it anymore.
I've just decided
to cancel it.
Throw away the bagpipe tape,
will you?
Oh, I never want to hear
another bagpipe in my life.
I never want
to hear Scotland
mentioned ever again.
(ALL CLAMORING)
It's not my fault.
It was a mistake I tell you.
What are you talking about?
It couldn't possibly
be a mistake.
Lawyers just don't
make mistakes.
No, no. Unfortunately,
in this kind of business,
errors are very frequent,
you see?
(STAMMERING) Can't avoid them.
I mean, when I got there,
to, uh,
talk to the lawyer
it, uh, turned out
they were looking for
someone called Albert.
Oh, I said, "No,
before we go any further
my name is Albin."
"Oh, no,
I want Albert Mougeois."
I think it was a Mougeois.
"Oh! My name is
Albin Mougeotte."
"Albin Mougeotte?"
He said, "No, Albert Moug..."
And I said,
"Fine. In that case
it's obviously not me."
And what have
you got in here?
Oh, it's only a few brochures,
you know.
Brochures, tourist guides.
Do I have to endure
this grilling?
I'm quite exhausted
enough already,
if you don't mind.
Mistress, did you remember
to wear a sweater, honey?
Oh, you love.
Somebody thinks about me.
What about the inheritance?
You brought all the money
with you?
Get out!
(GROANS)
Right. If you don't mind,
I'm quite worn out and
I'm going to freshen up.
I'm very tired
so I shall take off
this humiliating outfit
and run a bath because
I feel quite dead.
You heard that? Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Excuse me!
Oh, la, la.
I can see it's going
to be a terrible winter.
(SIGHS)
(LOCK CLICKS)
Well, look at that.
A voyeur at the key hole.
How vulgar.
Albin, do you know
who telephoned me
this morning?
Only the bank manager.
And guess how big
our overdraft is?
Ah, no.
Mustn't talk about money.
Albin.
If we don't get our hands
on this inheritance,
we are ruined.
That's it. Catastrophe.
We're finished.
(GASPS)
Albin, can you hear me?
(GROANS)
(DOOR OPENING)
I hurt your eye,
my angel?
No.
Good.
Feeling fit now,
are we, girls? Good.
Everybody ready?
DANCER: Wanna see
my dying swan?
Why is she always late
for rehearsals?
I don't know.
Zaza. Zaza!
Here I am.
There we are.
Oh, la, la.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Here I am.
(GIGGLING)
It's a success, no?
Oh, and I'm much thinner.
Stupendous.
A real wasp waist.
(GASPS) A bee, Renato!
Not a wasp.
We'll begin by trying out
the equipment
for the aerial number.
Armand, you ready?
Ready.
Fasten me tightly.
(LAUGHING)
Be careful, can't you?
Come on, let's go.
Up, up, up.
Go, go, go.
Easy does it.
Slowly. Up, up.
Good. Very nice.
Well done, boys.
Wonderful.
I really feel I'm flying.
No, no, don't let go.
No, keep hold of my feet,
just in case. That's it.
(ALBIN WHOOPS)
Don't worry, it's quite safe.
You're sure it'll hold me?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Places, girls.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Places, places.
Up, up now.
ALBIN: Oh, I'm flying.
I'm flying.
Up, up. Come on.
Oh, Renato.
Queen bee. Up, up.
Queen bee.
Not so high.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
No, no, no.
Too high. Too high.
Now, take down the bee.
Slowly, slowly.
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
Mrs. Petipas.
(WHIRRING STOPS)
Can't you see
that this is a very
dangerous operation?
Please wait until
I have finished before
doing the cleaning.
MAN: Okay, let's start again.
ALBIN:
I'm queen of the bees.
Za-za-za-za.
PETIPAS: Bees don't go,
"Za-za-za-za." They go "zzz."
She's right, you know.
They do go "zzz."
ALBIN: Oh, come on,
Mrs. Petipas, how many times
do I have to tell you,
if you must clean something,
go and clean
the tables outside.
Oh, just go away.
MAN:
All right, girls. Come on.
Let's get started again now.
Come on. Let's try
all the bees together.
ALBIN: Come on, girls.
MAN: Now the queen.
After me.
(BUZZING)
(ALL BUZZING)
"I leave to my nephew,
Albin Mougeotte,
all my worldly goods..."
Ah. "...together with
all my estate at Whalsey.
"The castle, out buildings,
and the title of
lord of the manor."
Ah, he's a millionaire
after all, the lying toad.
"And a stock portfolio
to the value of..."
(BABBLING)
"...ten million sterling."
Ten million.
(LAUGHS)
Ten million.
What's that?
(MUMBLING)
Where are you, Renato?
That's 100 million francs!
Coming in a minute.
"But this legacy
is on one condition.
"My nephew, Albin Mougeotte,
must be married
and his wife must..."
Oh, no.
"...have a child by him
within a maximum of
"18 months from..."
Oh, God.
How are we gonna do that?
But for 100 million francs,
there must be
a way of doing it.
Children are always
being born.
And I'll make sure that
one of them is Albin's.
(ALL CHATTERING)
All right, girls.
Oh, Renato!
Renato! Renato!
Oh, Renato!
It worked.
It worked.
Renato!
It worked! It'll be fine.
No problems. I was flying.
Where are you, Renato?
Renato, where are you?
Jacob!
Here I come.
Here I come.
Hurry up, Jacob.
Help me off
with my wings, will you?
Oh, mistress!
You look just like an angel.
Not an angel. No. no.
I'm queen of the bees, dear.
I feel like stinging somebody.
Renato, where are you?
Renato!
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
Oh, thank goodness. Oh!
Looking for me, Albin?
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
You gave me a fright.
I wonder why
you are so nervous.
Ah! Perhaps
you're hiding something.
First of all,
what are you doing
in my room like this?
I'll ask the questions
if you don't mind.
I repeat, I want to know
what you're hiding from me.
Nothing at all.
I've nothing to hide.
You're lying
through your teeth.
I can see it in your eyes.
You better come clean,
Albin.
I want to hear the truth.
I admit it.
I lied to you.
There is no
Albert Mougeois.
It was for me,
the inheritance.
So we're rich.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're rich.
No.
No? But why?
(STAMMERING)
Because in fact,
you know,
this castle
Aunt Emma left me,
well, it's tiny.
Oh, a shed you might say.
Ten foot square.
(STAMMERING)
It's like a broom cupboard.
A broom cupboard.
You know, the sort of place
where you keep animals.
I couldn't possibly
live in it.
Oh, an animal shed.
Hmm.
Exactly, yes.
With sheep inside.
The whole place is
falling down. Even the
sheep think it's a pigsty.
Well, that's just what it is.
A pigsty.
What's more,
this pigsty for sheep
is up on top of a cliff.
I just read the will.
Yup.
How dare you.
Forgive me, Albin.
Look,
I understand your problem
but a pigsty worth 100 million
is a problem worth solving.
Okay, there's the minor
detail of converting
a part of the pigsty
into a nursery,
but as for the baby...
Albin, I'm not boasting now,
it's okay,
you can let me fix that.
What do you mean
by the phrase "fix that"?
What you mean?
Nothing, only, you see...
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
A child, I've already...
What I mean, you see,
is that for me, it's not
altogether impossible.
Oh, never.
I can't allow that.
Stop. I don't want
to talk about it.
You're looking
in great shape,
Laurent.
I'm really proud of you.
I can see that
marriage agrees with you.
And the job, huh?
It's great.
My father-in-law promoted
me to director of publicity.
Ah! Congratulations.
A responsible position.
I really enjoy it.
You know, job satisfaction.
Yeah, I can believe that.
I wish I could say the same,
but unfortunately...
Uh, look, Papa, I know
you're having problems
and I thought
if I gave you this,
maybe...
Take it, Dad. It's a gift
from my father-in-law.
And I've got
the same name
as you have.
No, it's for you, not me.
And I couldn't possibly
accept a gift from my own son.
Oh, come on. Take it.
It was for buying a new car.
The old one still
works just fine.
Come on.
Only don't just spend it
on a necklace for Albin.
Hmm?
Mmm.
Okay, but it's a loan,
all right?
I promise
I'll pay you back.
Thanks, Laurent.
One, two.
One, two, three, four.
One, two. One, two, three.
From the toes.
One, two, three.
One, two, three, four.
I've just seen Laurent.
Laurent.
Who?
Laurent! Oh.
You've seen your son,
have you?
You're happy now?
Happy now?
Not very, no.
Oh, but why not?
You see this?
Oh!
A check.
That's right.
You mean you asked him
for money?
No.
He gave it to me.
Oh, sweet boy.
He gave up buying
a new car to give me this.
Do you realize that?
Poor little boy.
A new car. Yes.
Oh, well. Aren't you
a lucky little daddy?
And what can we do
with 80 thousand francs?
Oh, I don't know.
It's just a drop
in the bucket.
Oh, yes, I know that.
It's just about enough
to pay for your costumes.
Oh, leave me alone.
All right,
what about the sets?
We can't pay for them.
Oh, go away, will you?
And the wigs, the stage hands.
And there's the makeup.
I have to pay for all of it.
Flying about is very difficult
and dangerous, too.
Just leave me alone.
What about me, huh?
You think my job
isn't difficult?
Don't you realize everybody
has to get paid?
And where do you think
I'm gonna find the money?
Do what you like.
It's nothing to do with me!
It's entirely
your responsibility,
the money.
(SCOFFS)
At least you admit that.
You're the manager.
The manager, yes.
Go and manage,
that's what you're
supposed to be here for.
My role is on the stage,
I provide the charm.
But what can we do
about the bank?
(STAMMERING)
I don't give a hoot
about the bank!
Oh, can't you
understand anything?
We've got no money
left at all.
We're not just
in the red
any longer.
We're covered
in the Red Sea
of debt!
Oh, we're at
the red lights, are we?
We'll push the button
and they'll turn green.
(LAUGHS)
Very funny.
You like green, huh?
I'm glad because
green is the color
of Scotland, huh?
(EXCLAIMS)
Repeat that.
Scotland.
I don't want to
hear about Scotland.
Oh, I thought
I must've misheard you.
But you mean
the inheritance,
don't you?
Oh, no. I just
happened to
mention Scotland.
Yes, every time
you open your mouth,
you talk about
the same thing,
the inheritance.
I've already told you.
Do I have to
repeat myself?
Didn't you hear me?
Hold on a minute.
I don't want to have
a single penny out of
this stupid inheritance.
That's final.
I won't change my mind.
Wait, Albin.
Albin says no!
I'd rather die
than take it.
(CRYING)
No, Renato, I won't...
The Red Sea
has turned into
an ocean of bullshit.
Please think about it,
Albin, seriously,
if you're capable of it.
Not again.
Can't you see
I'm rehearsing?
I need to concentrate
entirely on my part.
Go away, give me a chance.
All right, all right.
Mr. Baldi...
Please, not now.
Later.
Oh, I really must
speak to you,
Monsieur Baldi.
My wings, dear.
Monsieur Baldi,
please listen.
ALBIN:
Of course I'm ready.
I am the union representative
for the whole of this troop.
And I request
five minutes of your
precious time, monsieur.
Who asked you
to sit down?
(SIGHS)
Will you
sit down please?
ALBIN: I'm quite ready,
I'm waiting for you.
You are forcing
this company to work to
an outrageous time table.
But we accept that,
although absolutely
contrary to union rules.
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
These cheap nylons...
And if we do accept
this infernal pace,
it is because
we are professional,
Monsieur Baldi.
(EXCLAIMING)
Renato, Renato...
Renato!
(LAUGHING)
How was that?
It was good
like that, eh?
Not fast enough.
Aren't you
ever satisfied?
But we will not
work without pay.
It's out of the question.
Some of us haven't
been paid for four weeks,
may I remind you.
Well, that's not
such a long time.
But if you don't pay us,
we can't eat.
So we're going
on a hunger strike,
starting from today.
It'll do you good
to go on a diet.
Just be patient,
can't you?
So why doesn't
she go back
to playing basketball?
Renato, Renato,
look out!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, no! Do something!
Give him the kiss
of life, somebody!
Oh, Renato,
how awful!
How dreadful!
Oh, Mr. Baldi.
(SOBBING)
Renato, Renato,
can you see me?
Oh, tell me
you're still alive.
Oh, my dear.
Where am I?
(SOBBING) No, no!
Well, hello there,
Mrs. Petipas.
How beautiful
you are today.
Oh, he doesn't
recognize me.
I've killed him,
haven't I?
He's had a very
severe concussion.
We'll need to do
a series of head x-rays.
Oh, his head.
Where's the pain?
My feet.
Doctor,
he doesn't know
which way up he is.
I'm afraid he may have
damaged some of
his sensitive nerve endings.
My what?
The sensitive nerves,
my poor dear.
Ah! Good morning!
Good morning,
Mr. Renato.
Come in please.
You'd like me to
prescribe tranquilizers
for Albin?
Not for Albin, no.
This time it's for me.
You don't feel well?
Oh, I'm feeling
much better now, Doctor.
Of course
it was a shock.
Let me ask you, would a shock
like the one I've had
cause side effects?
There must be some sort
of emotional disorder
you can produce for me
to make
an impression on Albin.
(CHUCKLING)
I don't understand.
If Albin believed there
was a serious danger
of my brain exploding,
or something like that,
it would be
in his own interest...
You're asking me
to make
a false diagnosis.
It's for Albin's sake
I'm asking you this favor.
Ah! But it's
very dangerous.
If Albin believes
that you're practically
at death's door
the shock
would kill him.
Oh, but I don't have to
be actually dying, I just
want something serious.
Something nervous
that'd impress
Albin, hmm?
Listen to me.
The most serious of
all possible scenarios
with regards to Albin
is easy, you see.
What's that?
You discover quite suddenly
that you fancy women.
(LAUGHING)
You don't feel
too tired, huh?
Sure you don't
want to sit down?
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Oh, but you really
are recovering marvelously,
aren't you?
Got your color back.
Oh, you look great.
Just great.
Yeah, yeah,
I feel much, much better.
There's something
I've been worried about.
It's that
you're blaming
yourself for the...
No, my dear.
It was entirely
my fault.
Oh, come on.
And don't worry,
I'll look after
all the business side
until you're
quite better.
It's not difficult.
I'll do all the paperwork,
everything for you.
You can leave it
all to me.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Oh, those two girls.
Do you know them?
No.
Then why were you
following them?
I don't know.
I think it's something
to do with my accident.
You better take me home.
Yes, come along.
ALBIN: Come along, Rambo,
time for walkies.
That's right, out with Mummy.
(HUMMING)
Oh, no, no,
no, Renato.
Now, come on.
You're supposed to be having
a rest, my dear. Hmm?
What are you reading?
Dear? What's that?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, no!
How revolting!
It'll give you
nightmares.
Why should it?
What are you
talking about?
(SNIFFING)
Who's wearing perfume?
You?
But of course it's me.
It's the perfume
you gave to me.
You know,
Gossamer Cyclone by Capron.
Remember?
No.
You don't like the smell?
I don't like it.
You have much too much on.
And it's not very masculine,
is it?
"Not very masculine"?
That's what I said.
For a man, it's not
a suitable perfume.
Come on, I have to
go to the cleaners.
Hold Rambo, will you?
Come on.
(SIGHS) Oh, I can't
believe this.
Oh, what a silly boy.
There we are now...
Excuse me.
Haven't we met
before someplace?
Is this your car?
Yes.
Ooh, please.
Let me do that.
Here we are.
Very kind of you.
Ugh, not again.
If you ever need
any help, my dear,
of any kind.
Thank you. Thanks.
Come here.
Come to Mummy.
Come to Mummy.
Don't start
all that again.
You start helping
this awful female,
naughty boy,
then you give her
your address?
You've got to
put a stop to all this.
You hear Mummy?
Now, I want
no more of it.
Now, Mummy'll buy you
an ice cream
and no more nonsense.
You're too young.
We'll have your favorite,
with the cherries on it,
shall we?
RENATO: And six
and seven and eight...
And one and two...
Something wrong,
Mr. Albin?
...and three and four
and five, extend.
I'm afraid so, yes.
I'm so worried,
Mrs. Petipas.
You see, there's something
wrong with Renato.
He seems awkward,
Mr. Baldi.
RENATO: Very nice.
Okay.
I don't know why.
He's not like
he usually is. He's...
He's bizarre.
I noticed
just the same thing.
I won't say
nothing about it.
I don't know what it is.
(GASPS)
(SIGHING) What's that?
No...
Excuse me.
Who do you want?
I've come
about your advert.
About what advert?
I think you're looking
for a ballerina.
That's what it says.
(STAMMERING)
Renato, Renato.
It's about
the advert.
But it's a girl.
Look...
Oh, yes.
I always felt the show
lacked something.
What we need
is a girl.
Especially one
as pretty as this.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Have you gone quite
off your head, Renato?
We can't use girls
as well as boys.
Oh, dear me.
In that case,
what is the point
of cross-dressing?
(LAUGHING)
I wish you'd make
your voice sound
a little deeper.
Who, me?
(LAUGHING)
More manly.
(MUMBLES)
See you later.
I'll wait.
Right, gentlemen,
where were we?
Oh, dear.
Let's get it moving again.
So upsetting for me.
It's as if we live
on different planets.
Don't know what's gone wrong.
But I think
it's pretty serious.
Okay, okay.
Wait a minute.
(SOBBING)
He's not at all well.
What am I going to do?
(RINGING)
Dr. Beautich.
Hello, Doctor.
No. No, no, no.
It's Albin.
Yes. No, it really
is an emergency.
I must see you.
Oh, no, no, no.
It is urgent.
No, no.
It's not for me.
No, I'm fine.
No, Renato's
been acting strangely.
I'm worried.
(SOBBING)
Oh, I'll explain it all
when I see you.
No, he's suddenly...
He... Excuse me,
won't you, Doctor?
He's suddenly
started doing
horrible things.
Oh, more than once.
It's happened
several times.
Oh, I'd rather
not talk about it
on the telephone.
Oh, fine. Lovely.
Thank you!
Thanks awfully!
You're a darling.
(SOBBING) Bye.
(EXCLAIMS)
Mmm.
(GASPS)
What's going on?
Nothing. I never touched her.
I didn't do anything,
I promise you.
That's enough now.
That's the second time
in two days.
That's enough now.
You expect me
to go through this
performance every day?
(SCOFFS) I'll give in
my notice.
I'm a respectable woman.
I have two children
and a prescription to
the National Geographic...
I'm sure it's not
serious, darling.
You'll be all right.
We'll get you better.
In short, he's become
normal again.
What do you mean,
"normal"?
Normal for you maybe.
It looks to me like
a classic case of the
double inversion syndrome.
What we call
the perversion
reversion cycle.
As a doctor, I find it
extremely interesting.
Oh, well, I'm glad
it's so interesting
for you.
I just want to get him back
like he was before.
As a rule, the double
inversion syndrome is
difficult to cure completely.
Oh, I have seen
some raving queens
who turned into
absolute sex machine...
Oh, don't go on.
That's enough, Doctor.
Now, surely there exists
some sort of operation,
a treatment. I'll do anything.
I'll even sacrifice myself.
Doctor, trust me.
How much do I owe you?
Nothing, nothing.
Oh, well, you'll be
seeing me again.
I'll be back soon, I'm sure.
(SOBBING) Troubles
aren't finished yet.
What a business.
Mistress, Mr. Renato
has been arrested.
I don't know why. They called
from the police station.
What?
(SHUDDERING)
What's he done now?
(WHIMPERS)
Excuse me, Doctor,
but I'm having
palpitations.
When you told me
what he'd done, Doctor,
I just collapsed.
Well, I immediately
had a fainting fit, Inspector.
I feel quite...
(GROANING)
But, you see,
he doesn't
do it normally.
Oh, he never
kisses strange women.
And a parking meter girl
you said.
Oh, no.
He never did it before.
Never, no.
You're sick, Renato.
I saw the doctor.
You're very, very sick.
In fact, I've reverted
to my original nature.
Unfortunately, it's gone
far beyond that.
I hid in the locker room
yesterday
after hockey practice
at Miss Julie's Academy.
Don't worry, my dear,
we'll fight this together.
I'll look after you.
We'll go to...
We'll go to Lourdes
if we have to.
The doctor told me
that I'll probably end up
by going completely insane.
(SIGHS)
There maybe is a cure.
I talked to the doctor, but...
Oh, it's not
worth discussing.
And it's a waste of time.
Tell me, darling,
tell me.
An operation.
In New York.
But it'll cost the Earth.
It's out of the question.
There's the journey to
New York, maybe twice,
maybe three times.
Twelve months
staying in the hospital,
the operations, treatment.
I couldn't possibly
allow it, Albin.
No, I just won't permit it.
We can't afford it.
Whatever.
I'll save you.
Whatever it costs,
I'll save you.
Thanks, Albin.
Thanks a lot.
Well...
It's you
who wants a...
No, it's him.
Ah!
It's my friend
who wants
to get married.
Everybody
speaks very highly
of your agency.
They say that
it's the best one around.
You're very kind.
We always try to
keep to our motto.
"If you don't find her here,
she doesn't exist anywhere."
(CHUCKLING)
Tell me a little
about yourself.
I want to hear something
about your taste,
your character.
What sort of man
are you?
Me?
I have to know
as much as I can
about you,
and then I can help you
choose your ideal wife.
What's your profession?
Ah! My profession
is an artiste.
An artiste.
Yes.
A painter, musician
or the theater, perhaps?
Oh, at the moment
I'm doing
a queen bee routine.
He's a writer.
He's writing...
Ah, a writer!
Explain it.
A great work, an opera,
that's it.
About the life of bees.
Ah! Author.
Author, no, authoress.
Then we must find you
a living inspiration.
A muse.
And what sort of woman
are you attracted to?
What sort of
woman do I...
Well, he looks after
all that side.
Renato, what sort
of woman do I want?
It isn't the outside
which counts.
Yes.
It's how she is
inside, you see.
A blonde, brunette,
ginger, it hasn't
the slightest importance.
As long as
she's morally pure.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Maybe
the maternal type.
Excuse me, I think
I'm going to throw up.
Oh, keep calm, Albin.
I am calm.
What sort of age?
Oh, the same age
as he is.
The same age
as you are,
if that's okay.
Shall we say 50?
Fifty...
Forty?
Forty?
What shall I say?
Thirty-five?
Thirty.
And what about
her height?
Oh, what you have,
it doesn't matter.
Whatever you have...
Oh, the size
is of no importance
at all, it's not.
It's really
not important.
Okay.
To pinpoint, I need you
to be more precise
about what you require.
Right. What does
she mean by...
If I ask you to pick
your favorite star
from the cinema,
then who would you choose?
Oh, Robert Redford.
I've always loved...
Mary Redford.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Albin.
Who's the lady?
You are.
Well, then, the lady
comes into the restaurant
first, all right?
(SIGHS) We can start
all that at the table.
No, no. We start
in the doorway.
Come along.
Try once more.
(SIGHS)
Well, you're not
a duke yet.
Don't overdo it.
Still no good?
(SIGHING)
What a performance.
Albin?
Yes? What now?
I'm standing up.
Oh, then sit down,
can't you,
for heaven's sake.
A gentleman waits to be
seated until after the lady
has sat down herself.
(SIGHS)
After you
please, madame.
There we are then.
(SCOFFS) A gentleman.
More like a head waiter.
Exactly.
Waiter.
The lady and gentleman
would like a drink?
Oh, well, I'd like
a drop of champagne.
A Kir Royale.
Champagne with
a nuance of cassis.
Albin?
The lady always
orders first.
Oh, excuse me.
Would you ask madame
what she'd like to order?
Madame would like
an aperitif?
A Kir champagne.
Very good, ma'am.
Our tastes
are compatible.
Now make advances to me.
What?
Yes.
You want me to court you?
Mmm-hmm.
At our age? Hmm.
After 25 years.
It's charming. Charming.
But a bit ridiculous.
Yes, you're right.
Madame, you can
come in now.
Madame.
Please.
I invited her because
I thought it might
just help you out.
Perhaps with her...
Excuse me.
Now make me yours.
Renato, is this a trick?
No, it's just to
give you a bit of practice,
a rehearsal. Come on.
You must take
my hand, Albin.
Why must I?
Because that's
how it's done.
Not in my book.
She's waiting for you.
Come on, take her hand.
What are you doing?
You look as though
you're holding
a dirty tissue.
Come on,
get some passion in it.
(SNICKERS)
Now, wait a minute.
Move over. Move over.
Watch how I do it.
Madame.
What beautiful hands
you have, my dear.
And what lovely fingers.
Renato.
So soft and delicate.
(SOFTLY) Oh.
These adorable fingers...
ALBIN: Renato, please.
Renato!
...which I long to kiss.
Renato.
I want to cover you
in kisses.
Stop, Renato.
Oh, my sweet angel.
Renato. Listen to me.
Renato!
Have you completely
lost your head?
Of course not.
It's just a demonstration.
You get the picture now?
Come along.
You're letting things
get out of hand.
Albin, come along.
Your turn.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Pick up her hand.
Come on, Albin,
speak to her.
You've got...
(STAMMERING)
I think you've got very
beautiful hands, madame.
Oh, that was lovely.
Lovely!
(SNIFFLING)
What's the matter
with you?
What's the matter?
I can't go through
with this, it's impossible.
Please leave me alone.
Renato.
Take this hand
out of mine.
You have the most
beautiful hands, madame.
I've fallen under your spell.
There, you see,
nothing to it at all.
Do you want tea or coffee
this morning, mistress?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Jacob.
Keep this
for monsieur Baldi.
To be opened
after my death.
You gonna
commit suicide
again, mistress?
What do you mean?
This is the first time
this year.
Since I've been here,
you've done it every year.
Oh, and twice last year.
Yes. But this,
it's the real thing.
It's the real thing.
Yes. Because at last
I know what I want
out of suicide.
I want to die.
Adieu, Jacob.
See you later, mistress.
Don't you listen
while I'm talking?
Adieu, Jacob.
I'm going to die.
Spread-eagled underneath
the railway bridge.
I want to be
run over
by an enormous,
an enormous locomotive.
You break at least
five ostrich feathers
every time you fly, Albin.
We can't afford
to keep on buying new ones
for every show. Albin!
Where's her ladyship?
She's gone to
commit suicide.
Ah! First time this year.
She left you
an envelope
with me.
Hold this.
Oh, may the Lord
give me strength.
Oh, dear.
"I choose to die
so that you may
live happily."
Good.
What a nice thought,
isn't it?
"To pay for your treatment,
you can use
my life insurance."
Where has he gone,
this martyr?
I don't know.
He said something about
a railway bridge.
(SIGHS) My God,
what have I done?
My God,
what have I done
to deserve this?
Just tell me
what I've done,
will you?
(SIGHS)
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
Here we go again.
And what is it this time?
This is goodbye, Renato.
It's the best way.
I love you.
It's the only solution.
Adieu.
This is a branch line.
There's only one train
every week.
Are you planning
to sit there
for seven days, hmm?
And when's
the next train?
Oh, come on.
I don't know that.
Monday, I've checked
the schedule.
Today's what?
Monday.
You can put your ear
to the track if you like.
Don't be an imbecile.
Get up now.
Oh, yes.
Come on, Albin.
It's time to finish
this charade.
Believe me,
this is goodbye.
I'm good for nothing.
There's nothing I can do
to help, is there?
The world will go on
without me.
It doesn't matter
if I disappear.
You, you'll find a cure
to make you normal,
while I...
Oh, well.
I'll vanish into limbo.
Cut in two.
But
happy.
All right,
have it your own way.
So long, Albin.
Oh, no. Come on.
Where are you off to now?
To get a box to put you in
when you end up
like a jigsaw puzzle.
Oh, no, Renato.
Albin, stop it now.
The game's gone
far enough. Let's go.
No, leave me.
I'm not playing a game,
as you'll see for yourself
in a minute.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
All right,
I'll tell you
the truth now.
I lied to you.
Yes, I lied to you.
It's not true,
I haven't turned into
a heterosexual at all.
What?
It was only
so we could get
the inheritance.
It was only to
make you get married.
Albin!
(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS)
You still mad at me?
(SIGHS)
But, really,
what is it
I've done?
Tell me why
you're angry with me?
Oh, leave me alone,
can't you?
You really don't seem
to have any idea
that you've been
walking about like
a complete madman.
But what have
I done to you?
Oh, nothing,
only ruined my life.
Ruined it, haven't you?
You've messed up
my whole life.
I'm nothing but sick of you.
One more word out of you
and I hit you like that.
Stop, stop!
Get off of me. The car's
going out of control.
Oh, shut up!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, God.
Oh, dear!
Oh, my God, Renato!
He's dead.
You killed him.
Let's take a look.
He may be all right.
(SOBBING) Oh, no,
you killed him, Renato.
There, you killed
a lovely boy.
It's your fault.
I couldn't see
where I was going.
(BOTH SIGHING)
No bones broken?
Are you in any pain?
Me? I'm fine, thank you.
My motorbike's
a total write-off,
I've just been jilted
by the man I love.
And what's more?
What's more?
(SOBBING)
I'm expecting a baby.
Things couldn't be better,
could they?
Everything's going
just fine, and...
(WOMAN SOBBING)
(SIGHING)
Hello, there.
Well, hello.
You recognize me?
Of course I do.
I just wanted
to apologize again
about the accident.
You just bought
these for me.
Mmm-hmm.
Can I have a quick word
with you in private?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(SOFTLY) Over here.
I believe you have
one or two problems.
I'd like to try
and help you.
Look, it's just
my problem.
I'm sorry.
I really shouldn't
have told you.
I have a proposition to make.
WOMAN: Oh, Cindy,
where are the
Hana Mandlikovas?
In those boxes, there.
A proposition?
Something which
may well surprise you,
but it's all perfectly legal.
You could be a duchess
worth several million and
have a father for your child.
That's what
they all tell you.
Well, this time
it's true.
I'm too old
for fairy stories.
I'm afraid it's not
exactly all that romantic.
It involves marrying
a bee, you see.
A queen bee.
A bee?
If you come tonight
to the Cage Aux Folles,
it's the premier
of our new production.
I'll introduce you
to your future husband.
You'll come?
Why not?
♪ Oh, once there lived a fairy
at the bottom of my garden
(YODELING)
♪ Oh, she made
my little flowers grow
(YODELING)
♪ Oh, the fairy
said to me,
"Kind, sir..." ♪
Hi, Mumsie.
Oh, Laurent.
Oh, how lovely!
It's so nice of you to
come so often, mon cheri.
Oh, something wrong?
My father-in-law has
resigned his position.
It's true. It happened
this morning.
And I'm to blame.
But why?
"La Cage Aux Folles
funded directly with donations
from the Moral Order Party."
(SIGHING)
"President Charrier
finances drag queens
at the Cage Aux Folles."
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
You know that check
I gave to Papa?
Yes, well?
It was signed by Charrier.
But Papa had that check
directly paid to
the Cage Aux Folles.
(GASPS)
I really don't know
how the press
managed to get
a hold of this story.
But there's the result.
Oh, how awful for him.
Charrier's more or less
delirious. It's frightening.
He's howling like a lunatic.
He's been locked
in his room all day.
He won't speak to anybody.
Oh, we do seem
to bring him bad luck,
don't we?
(WEEPING) Bastards!
They've ruined me. Oh, God!
The bastards have raped me.
God! I'm done for.
They've got me.
I'm absolutely finished now!
Look at it all
over this disgusting rag!
The bastards! Oh!
(WAILING)
Filth! Filth! Filth!
Simon! Calm yourself!
Calm down, Simon!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Baldi.
Yes?
I represent
Mr. Mortimer Woodson.
Mr. Woodson is also
Emma MacGovern's nephew
and is therefore the cousin
of your companion.
From the glimpses that
I've had of the personality
of Mr. Mougeotte...
Yeah?
...I would suggest
that producing
a son and heir might
prove difficult for him.
So, I'm prepared
to make an offer for you.
Divide the inheritance.
I'm not talking about
dividing anything.
I'm talking about
multiplying.
Producing a child isn't
such a big problem for Albin,
as you seem to imagine.
Have a nice evening.
How's it going?
Enjoying yourself?
Very much, thank you.
You like the show?
It's very good.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
There's your future husband.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
The queen. It's him?
Yes, that's him.
The queen.
Stop this!
I'm putting a stop
to all this right now.
Wanted to get rid of me.
Thought they'd destroy me.
You're finished.
I'm ready to take on
the lot of you, you hear me?
I'm not gonna
lie down under this
pile of filth!
I'm fighting back!
Fighting back!
I'm closing down
this monstrous haven
of perversion!
Arrest that man at once. Oh!
Shut up!
Somebody get the gun
away from him!
Totalist!
Now listen, you.
We are the Party
of Public Morality.
The proprietors of
this cesspit of ill fame
have been trying to ruin
my political career
and to destroy
my reputation.
They were successful.
But by God,
they'll pay.
And I'll begin with you,
you pervert!
Renato!
Quickly, get her up!
Prepare to die!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Move now. Go on!
Go on! Go on!
No, no, no, no!
(ALBIN SHRIEKING)
Let me down.
Oh, do something.
I can't stop!
And voila!
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
For God's sake.
It's too much!
ALBIN: Oh, do something!
He's a lunatic. Please!
(WEEPING)
Brilliant. Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's welcome
President Charrier,
who's made a brilliant
debut here tonight and
who I'd now like to invite
to become an honorary member
of the Cage Aux Folles.
(DRUM ROLL)
(CHUCKLING) Up!
Bravo! Yes! Yes!
I'll take that, Mr. President.
Thank you. Thank you.
Bravo!
Bravo!
(WAILING)
What about me?
(DOOR OPENS)
How is he, Doctor?
Is he all right?
Luckily for him,
not one of the bullets
actually penetrated his flesh.
He was lucky.
His feathers were riddled
with bullets.
He's calmed down
but I'm afraid he's still
suffering from shock.
He's got reason to be.
It's not often
he gets fired at
on opening night.
It was a very lucky
escape anyway.
Now, it's my turn
to get fired at.
I think you'd better go
and see him yourself.
I'll call again soon.
Bye-bye, Doctor.
How're you feeling?
Albin, didn't you
hear my question?
How're you feeling?
All right.
I'm just picking out
the bits of shrapnel.
Really,
it was a terrible thing
that happened. Horrible.
But what a triumph,
wasn't it?
A triumph for me?
Or for Charrier?
Oh, for you, of course.
Mind you, Charrier
didn't do too badly.
That has given me an idea.
Why not include the whole
thing in your act?
In comes a hunter, bang!
Suddenly he's winged you
like in Swan Lake.
And you're
signing up Charrier?
Oh, with blanks in his rifle,
naturally.
Oh, yes. But why stop
at blank bullets?
Real bullets are funnier.
Don't be so melodramatic,
Albin. In the end,
you didn't come to any harm.
You've got to admit,
the audience loved it.
Did you ever
fight in a war?
No.
Hmm.
Failed the medical?
Well, I was in
the frontline today.
I was almost killed
by the enemy.
I ought to get a medal.
But instead,
they applauded my assassin.
Come on, Albin.
Let's forget about it now.
You're okay, aren't you?
It's over and done with.
Stop. Let go of my feet.
Listen, how's Cindy?
You know, the girl
you're engaged to.
She's become
a fan of yours now.
I saw her applauding you.
That's polite of her.
No, she really meant it.
She's a nice kid.
I'm only just recovering
after a lunatic makes
an attack on me.
And now I've got to
face up to marriage.
And the inheritance.
And all the rest of it.
But we haven't talked
about each other.
That's important, too.
Isn't it?
Our love.
Ah, I'm afraid life
isn't all poetry.
(SIGHS) I don't believe it.
And what have you got
in place of a heart,
monsieur? Hmm?
A pocket calculator?
Albin.
Hold your tongue.
Don't say a word.
But, Albin.
Silence.
But I haven't
said anything.
But you were just about to.
I could sense it. Leave me.
I go to my destiny.
Don't follow me.
RENATO: I haven't
moved a muscle.
I know.
I could tell
you were about
to spring after me.
Adieu, Renato.
(SOBS) It's over.
(SOBBING)
Bitch!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SOBBING) I'm gonna
burst into tears.
I can't help it.
I'm gonna burst into tears.
(IMITATES CRYING)
I believed everything
he told me.
I was such a fool.
Then...
Then I found out
he was married.
That's why I left him.
You loved him?
Maybe you still love him.
No.
I don't think so.
I don't know. Maybe.
It's getting cold here.
Have this.
Thanks.
I'm definitely not married.
I swear it.
I am, almost.
I'm expecting a baby.
I want to have it.
But it must have a father.
(CHUCKLES)
This isn't a very
lucky trip for me.
As soon as I get here,
I fall for you.
And the affair's
already over.
(BOTH LAUGH)
No. No,
it's impossible.
But when can I see you?
Please let me see you again.
It's too complicated.
(INAUDIBLE)
They're all monsters.
Monstrous egotists.
Men are all the same.
Mmm.
We're just young
and innocent.
And they take
advantage of it.
(SCOFFS)
My God, I've really
been so blind about him.
He used to say,
"I have to go to work now,
my darling."
And he was really
going back to his wife.
A whole year
he strung me along
like that.
Thirty years, me.
Thirty.
And all the while thinking
that the man who lived
with me loved me.
All the while thinking
that our life together
was a romance.
A love story.
And now I discover that
it was all just
a question of cash.
(SNORTS)
Oh, I loved that man so.
(SOBBING) Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
You see, there was
so much love.
Shh.
So much love.
Excuse me.
Don't cry.
You must stop or
you'll make me cry, too.
What's to become of me now?
And me.
What's to become of me?
It's impossible for me
to live with a man again.
I couldn't either.
Maybe we should get married,
the two of us.
It's not such a bad idea.
Okay.
Yeah.
It'll work out fine.
(SIGHS)
Thank you for
walking me home, Cindy.
It's so frightening
these days.
All these drug-crazed
sailors and so on.
Good night, Albin.
Sleep well.
Oh.
I can't face going in
by myself.
I don't want to see him.
Or talk to him.
Come in with me.
But, no, I shouldn't.
Oh, do.
I'm harmless.
What did I tell you?
Hasn't waited up for me,
you see?
He's snoring.
In bed asleep.
He doesn't care.
(SIGHS)
I could be anywhere
and he's gone to bed.
He doesn't care
what happens to me.
Don't get worked up
about it now, Albin.
Go to bed, it's late.
(SIGHS)
Oh, in the old days,
he would have gone
to every police station.
I'll help you
take off your makeup.
No, it's too much trouble.
Getting it off
is so complicated.
It's too much for me
at the moment.
Oh, no, no.
I use number three,
sweetheart.
Oh, he would have
phoned the police,
the fire department.
He wouldn't have
stopped looking for me
until I was safe.
Wouldn't have stopped.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Oh.
My God.
I look like a zombie.
Oh, la, la, la.
Oh, I'm completely
past the point when
cleansing cream's any use.
(GIGGLES)
Just hose me down, dear.
(CHUCKLES)
Being a couple is going
to be very useful.
We can help each other
with our makeup.
(CHUCKLES)
I can wear your clothes.
But I don't think
we take the same size.
Oh, practically.
I'm probably a bit slimmer
but I can take them in, dear.
Those eyelashes.
Are you wearing them in bed?
Oh, no, no. No.
I don't wear them in bed.
Oh, no.
Well, hardly ever.
You go and get undressed.
I won't look at you.
ALBIN: I'm ready.
Hmm.
What should I do tomorrow?
Talk to him or ignore him?
Decide tomorrow, huh?
Hmm.
Good night, Albin.
Sleep well.
I like you very much, Cindy.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GASPS)
Cindy,
what brings you here?
Can't I spend time
with my future husband?
Bon appetit, Mr. Renato.
Thank you.
Good morning.
(WHISTLING)
Good morning, Albin.
I didn't hear you
come in last night.
(HUMMING)
But I did happen to
see Cindy leaving your
room this morning,
at daybreak.
(IN DEEP VOICE)
You've been trying to
make a man out of me,
you've succeeded.
You wanted a marriage,
well, you're gonna have one.
But you're gonna
get a few surprises.
For example?
Oh, well...
Don't expect to be
invited over to stay.
Look, man, if you know
what's good for you,
don't show your face
in Scotland.
That's all I have to say.
Now it's my turn, Albin.
So, after everything
I have done for you,
you're throwing me over,
now that you haven't
any more use for me,
that's it, huh?
Oh, I am not going to try
and cling on to you
or anything like that.
But you'll miss me.
You're going to miss me,
I can tell you that.
Your creation has
cast off his bonds,
Dr. Frankenstein.
Albin! Albin!
Wait a minute.
Where on Earth are
you going to now?
I am going to
do some shopping.
Shopping? But we
don't need anything.
We've got everything.
It's not for
anything domestic.
I have to get things
for the baby, now, don't I?
Oh, what're you
doing over there?
You needn't rock it.
There isn't a baby
inside, is there?
There isn't a baby?
Then why buy all this stuff?
You have eight months
to worry about
all this, haven't you?
Oh, go away then.
All right, all right,
I am going outside.
I can't stand
any more of this.
Look after the baby carriage.
Get out, let me
finish my shopping.
I haven't got
the diapers, have I?
Tell me, darling, do you
have those, you know,
little panties,
elastic bottoms,
leak-proof, naturally.
And then, could you show me,
if it's at all possible, your
range of maternity dresses?
What size, sir?
Oh, my size, of course.
I'll see if I can find
some for you, sir.
You can see me, can't you?
Size.
Oh, cheri, she asked me
what size I am.
Yes, I'm nearly finished.
Look, the whole thing's gone
far enough now. Get over here
now, on the pavement.
On the pavement?
Yes, yes, I've got it.
Up, up!
Yes, all right,
I've got it. I've got it.
First it was
the Scottish incident...
Oh, stop going on
about it all the time.
All right, I've had
enough, I am leaving.
All right, go.
Goodbye.
Leave me, I don't care.
Mr. Baldi,
won't you join me?
Make it brief, I don't
have much time. I am
very busy at the moment.
I'll be brief then.
Tell Albin to let Cindy
off the hook.
And why should he
do that?
Because she wants
to marry me.
I am sorry, but,
well, she really seems
to like Albin.
It's much simpler
if you find someone else.
It shouldn't be difficult
for you to find an expectant
mother somewhere
who'd like to be a duchess.
And it doesn't really
matter to Albin who it is.
Listen, can't you?
All I want is to marry Cindy.
I don't want the money.
Very touching.
But it makes no difference.
He's going ahead
with the marriage
to spite me.
I know he is.
At the moment he is
quite capable of seeing
it through to the end.
Oh, Cindy, hello,
my darling.
I am knitting
a little sweater
for you-know-who.
I sent off for some
Scottish wool, too, and I'll
make a little tartan hat.
You know, with
the pom-pom on it?
Is there something
the matter, darling?
I don't want to get
married, Albin.
Oh, that's rather unfair.
You can't abandon me
with a child to look after.
It's because of Mortimer,
your cousin.
Mortimer?
But this has nothing
to do with Mortimer.
I think that I have
fallen in love with him.
Oh, it couldn't have
happened at a worse time.
Now I have really
spoiled everything
for you.
(EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH)
I've pricked myself.
Really, I'm out of practice.
But I have been practicing
with the bottle.
There, gently does it.
Oh, come along,
don't look so sad, Cindy.
Hmm?
There's your dress to order,
the guests to invite.
You'll see, we won't regret
getting married. Hmm?
Oh, that's the way.
I've got it.
Look, oh, Renato, look.
You want to taste it, dear?
See, see how I do it?
(EXCLAIMING)
It's really hot, isn't it?
Oh, God.
Where are you going?
You've won, haven't you?
You have my best
wishes for the future.
I won't bother you again.
Adieu.
(SCOFFS)
What day is it?
Monday.
Oh, my God, the train.
Jacob, Jacob, quick!
Mister?
Call me a taxi.
Here, hold the baby bottle.
Oh, my God!
I knew that's what
he was going to do.
(SIGHS)
Oh, this is nice.
What a beautiful day.
I want to die alone, Albin.
I think I deserve that
at least?
Hmm...
I've been lying on these rails
for 20 years on and off, and I
have never actually done it.
So, I'm afraid, I'm
not impressed, my dear.
You're mistaken, Albin,
I am not moving until
the train has passed.
I have decided I don't
want to live anymore.
At last I have realized
you are the only person
I care for,
so if I am going to have to
lose you, there's no point in
my going on living.
There you are,
I am better off dead.
Adieu.
Put a few of your wedding
flowers on my tomb.
Oh, you really
feel that way?
Oh, now I'm happy.
Oh, you feel that way
about me.
What're you doing?
I want to die with you.
Oh, that is comfortable.
I can see it now.
In the end, you're right,
you know.
It's the only thing
left for us to do.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
Isn't that the train?
Oh, yes, right on time,
as usual.
Albin.
Look, isn't it just
a little bit absurd to
do this at our age?
You and me, playing
Romeo and Juliet?
Can we change pillows, dear?
This one's too hard.
Oh, forget about the pillow.
We have to talk
seriously, Albin.
Albin.
Yes?
If you promise not
to get married,
then I'll forget about
the whole damn thing,
I swear it.
Give me your hand,
Renato.
It's how it should be,
your hand in mine.
As the train cuts us
in two.
Oh, come on, I have
had enough of this.
You think I am really going
to lie there till the train
cuts me into little pieces?
Ah, all a trick,
wasn't it?
Well, monsieur,
the game's up for you.
Now, you pay attention to
what I say. I am getting
married, come what may.
And if you want anything
from my aunt's legacy,
you'll be witnesses
at the wedding.
Mortimer and you.
(BOTH ARGUING)
Shut up!
Shut up yourself.
(BOTH ARGUING)
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
Where is the bridegroom?
He must have got
delayed somewhere.
We've got three other
weddings this afternoon.
I am afraid if he's not
here in five minutes,
I'm sorry, I'll have to go
on to the next one.
He's coming.
(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)
(GUESTS CLAPPING)
MAN: Oh, it's out
of this world.
(LAUGHS) Darling, it's moi!
At the last moment,
I couldn't resist it.
I mean, I have always
wanted the chance to
wear white nuptials.
Most amusing, yes,
but where is the
bridegroom then?
Oh, silly man, nobody
is getting married.
There's no wedding.
It's all off now.
There's nothing at all.
Just us. Hmm?
And what do I do
after all this?
I've got
the perfect solution.
Listen, young man,
you still want to
marry Cindy?
Yes, I do.
Then I'll put this
proposal to you.
Albin will renounce
all claim on the Scottish
will, all right?
And according to the will,
that makes you the
sole beneficiary
of your aunt's estate.
You can split it 50-50
with us,
provided that
you marry Cindy.
Uh, sure, sure,
I'll do it.
The name of the bridegroom's
been altered, but you can have
your wedding after all.
Then let's begin.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You've solved everything.
Oh, you constantly
amaze me, dear.
Brilliant, but rather
naughty as usual.
Oh, what a wicked thing
you are. You're a devil.
A proper devil
with horns on.
Oh, he's wonderful.
Listen, Monsieur Mayor,
we're going to leave now.
Off on our honeymoon.
Where shall it be?
Venice or the Himalayas?
Oh, smile now.
Why don't you
pop the question to me?
Which one?
Oh, as if I was
a blushing young thing.
"Mademoiselle Zaza,
I request your hand
in marriage."
Oh, I can't.
Mademoiselle, I hereby
request your hand
in marriage.
Oh, willingly.
Bravo, mister. Bravo.
(ALBIN LAUGHING)
♪ Now it's up to me
♪ To make my world a happy one
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ To let the sun shine in
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ To let the shadows
bring me down
♪ I've got to try
and if I fall
♪ I'll fall
and I will rise again
♪ Set my feelings free
♪ I know that all I need to do
♪ Somehow will be done
♪ 'Cause it is done for you
♪ Can't make believe
I'm someone else
♪ I know it's up to me
♪ Too late now to turn around
♪ I know the way I want to be
♪ I see the life
I want to lead
♪ I know the one I want ♪