L.A. Slasher (2016) - full transcript

Law enforcement officials
have had the hospital

under lockdown since she was
admitted earlier today.

She was discovered
wandering the Hollywood Hills

with multiple stab wounds
and dressed only

in blood soaked bandages.

The victim has been
unable to identify

her attacker at this time.

Thousands of fans
have flocked

to social networking sites
to express their sympathy,

while others, strangely,
are not so sympathetic.

I've never seen
so many cute boys



on the beach
at one time.

Wait a minute, why are
we all by ourselves?

They were
just intimidated.

That is so true.

Wait. Two cute girls
looking for boys. Whoo!

Okay, girls.
Let's call it a night.

No point in this bloody rain.

Would somebody
get me a blanket?

I'm freezing.

Hey, are you coming?

I'll catch you later.

L.A. is in such
a sad state these days.

It's always been the go-to place
for people talking bullshit,

but this...



This is a whole other level.

Reality TV.

The birthplace of the moron.

Some of us laugh with them,
but most of us at them.

All you have to do
is act like a jackass

and the offers
will start rolling in.

Welcome to Hollyweird.

Famous for being famous?
You know what?

I think it's time these people
learn the true price of fame.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-How are you?
-Good, how are you?

I'm good.
Thank you.

Hey, ladies.

What can I get you?

Can we just get
the usual, please?

And can
we turn this off?

This song really
hurts my head.

Yes, of course.

So, my agent called.

Yes. Okay.

And they want me on that
show I was telling you about.

My God.

I know. Isn't it crazy?
I'm going to be on TV.

Okay, you're always
on TV, but...

Yeah, but always for
the wrong reasons.

Yeah.

Now at least they'll get to see
how amazing my personality is.

And how sweet
and humble I am.

-You know?
-Yeah.

My Twitter followers
are going to be insane.

I should totally
try and hook you up.

Yeah, I mean, I've actually
already been there,

done that with reality TV and...

I'm already
a household name.

So I'm concentrating
on my serious acting

and hip hop career now.

So I definitely
won't do reality TV.

I mean, you'd be
really good.

So...

Well, you'll just
have to wait and see.

My God,
save this weather.

I was laying out
in the sun earlier,

I can't believe I've spent
a lifetime away from this.

My God.
I could not imagine

being pasty white
all year round.

Girl...

Thank God you have
that spray tan.

Well, yeah. I mean, obviously
I've spent my 21 years

out of the sun, which
means I'll have naturally

wrinkle-free skin,
like, forever,

unlike everyone else
around here. So...

That's what Botox
is for, girl.

Because I really want
to throw this party,

I hooked up with this
hot DJ last summer

and he can probably
have a friend.

And, they love
English accents.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I can't go anywhere without
getting loads of attention.

Same.
So annoying.

Yeah, it must be
really annoying,

people pursuing you for your
English accent all the time.

So, anyway, this is the
address you're going to.

Thank you so much for doing this.
I really appreciate it.

Yeah, I mean, you know if my parents
found out they would kill me.

I mean, like,
actually kill me.

They think I'm,
like, this princess.

So, I wanted to ask you

I was thinking about
changing my look up

and going blonde
for the show

because I feel like blond
really accentuates my eyes.

What do you think?

Like if all of it was blond?

Yeah.

I mean, aren't you in, like,
one episode for 15 seconds?

I mean, like, you'd
look great whatever.

I just mean
don't go red.

You're such a doll.

I know.

Glucose, sugar, and...

Close.
One more.

Water.

You already had that one.

A 14-year-old girl
walks into a hair salon

carrying a Twinkie.

She sits down, hairdresser
puts a plastic cover on her

and starts
cutting her hair.

So the girl kicks back and
starts eating the Twinkie.

Not realizing that the hair that's
being cut is dropping onto the Twinkie.

The hairdresser
is trying to be polite.

He says, "Young lady, you're
getting hair on your Twinkie."

The girl jumps up,
she smiles real big.

She says, "I know.
I'm getting tits, too."

I'll give you a clue.
It rhymes with...

Rhymes with...

It rhymes
with street power.

Street power.

Street power.

Press you
for an answer.

Man, I can't think
with all this pressure.

Street...

Tree flower.

What the fuck
is tree flower?

It sounds like something
that would go into a Twinkie.

Why do you always
give me a hard time?

Flour. Flour. It's not something
that grows out of the ground.

It's not something
that has fucking petals.

Flour. F-L-O-U-R.
Flour.

I don't give
a fuck anyway.

Why are we sitting here playing
guess what's in the Twinkie,

and don't eat that shit anyway.
It's fucking horrible for you.

It'll give you cancer.

You must be
the bullies?

You look like bullies.

I'm here for the,
you know...

One sec.

I'm here
for the exchange.

Okay. First of all, I think
everybody needs to calm down

and then we can
get on with business.

Twinkie?

No thank you.

Like I said, if we could
just get on with the exchange.

Exchange.
That's the first time

I've ever heard it
called an exchange.

But I like it.

It's classy.

I've never actually
done this before.

And I'm really not sure
what I'm supposed to do.

I'm a little bit
nervous, actually.

So if you could just
walk me through this.

I'll walk you
through it, honey.

Don't worry. I'll walk
you through it, honey.

Here.
This should take care it.

Okay, I'm so confused.
I should be paying you.

My reputation
precedes me.

You've been
walked through.

Thank you.

Fuck off.

Get the fuck out.

Okay.

Aren't we gonna
get no pussy?

Just eat your fucking
Twinkie, man.

Look, you can't
avoid this forever.

I think if you agree to rehab, the
judge might be lenient with you.

Remember, you're not the star you
were anymore. You're another nobody.

That reality show doesn't
count as an acting job.

It's time to give up the
dream and get a real job.

Hey.

the grizzly discovery
in the Hollywood Hills.

The mystery continues to unravel
as someone calling himself

Here you go.

The LA Slasher
has claimed responsibility

for the violent attack
on the reality TV star

by posting an incriminating
video online.

The video has
already gone viral.

It was posted earlier today.

Thanks.

Hey, sugar tits.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Good.
How are you?

I'm good.
I'm really good.

Hey, I saw that reality
show the other night.

Really? What'd you think?

-That shit is awful.
-Great.

Why'd you even bother?

Hey, you should be doing
one of these movies up there.

There might be
a role in it for you

if you show me how much
you really want it.

-What kind of movie?
-It's like a horror movie.

-A horror movie?
-Yeah. We're taking it to Cannes.

You been to Cannes?

No.

So, you know
this party we're doing?

-You mean the one I'm doing?
-Yeah.

I'll bring all the right people.
It'll be crawling with celebs

if you make it
worth my while.

-You know what I mean, gorgeous?
-I'm good.

-All right, well, enjoy your night.
-Absolutely.

-Bye.
-Take it easy.

Leave a message.

Hey, babe.
What are you up to?

I lost my voice.
I went to this rager.

It was amazing.
You should've been there.

Hey wait, I'm at work.

So, what'd you end up
doing last night?

Hey, did you hear that girl
who's supposed to guest star

on our show next month?

I mean, small
fucking world, right?

That's kinda crazy
and kinda scary.

Anyway, guess who I ran into
at the club tonight?

That creepy ass producer guy.

I don't know about
having him organize our party.

I kinda feel like it's going to
be a bunch of lame old dudes

hanging around, just gonna
sit around and stare at us.

I know. Like I don't get
enough of that at work.

Anyway, let me let you go.
I'll call you later.

I have a hot date tonight
and I got to get ready.

But I love you lots.
Mwa. Bye.

That's awful.

I can't believe all these
people are in my house.

I know.
I am so Tweeting this.

I know. I'm sorry. But it's
kinda funny, right? I mean...

Who invited
all these people?

Probably a Facebook invite
or something.

Is there any men here?

No.

No, dude, I know. It's like Star
80 on steroids or something.

No, seriously,
it's creeping me out.

Someone sent me a link to all that
shit he's been streaming online.

-Did you watch it?
-Hell no.

I act in horror movies
for a living.

I don't want to watch
that shit in real life.

But, hey, on the upside, they'll probably
be making a movie about this soon.

This party is so tragic. It's actually
kind of funny. It's kinda entertaining.

My God, I totally see that
douchebag producer over there.

-Hey, girl.
-Why do you still hang out with him?

I... because he's rich.

That's disgusting.

I know.
He is disgusting.

And now it's raining.

-Are you kidding?
-Like it could get any worse.

Yeah,
this party sucks.

Do we have to stay
at our own party?

I don't know.
Want to go eat?

It's not funny.
This is my house.

We should just call the cops
and get them to empty it out.

No, but I mean, come on.
It will make for a good story.

You know what's
an even better story?

What if The Slasher
showed up tonight?

My God,
you would love that.

-Did you watch the news last night?
-Yes.

You're sick
in the head.

No, I'm just
all about entertainment.

I mean,
it's kinda crazy.

I mean,
it could be anybody here.

Yeah.
Maybe it's you.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm The Slasher. Who
will be my next victim?

That girl over there.

What? The one
with the weave?

Or the one
with the Payless shoes?

How's my hair?
How's my tits?

Another one?
You look great.

You ready?

Let's go eat. Come on.
I'm starving.

I'm not leaving all these
people in my house.

Lock it up, let them stay on the
roof, let's go grab some food.

I'm, like,
dying for a milkshake.

Look at this girl.

The infamous star of numerous
accidentally released sex tapes

was attending a party
with friends at this home.

Several witnesses state she had not
been seen since around 11:30 p.m.

Excuse me. Sir?

Can you tell us
what happened here tonight?

Yeah, hey.

Well, they wouldn't
let me in the party,

but I stuck around because
that smoking hot chick

from one of those sex tapes
was here.

But I heard
someone drowned.

I mean, someone
killed that girl.

You know, you are one pretty girl.
Is this Channel 6?

I usually watch Channel 4.

Exciting development.

You know, I got a few
comments I could throw in.

I wasn't done talking. If
y'all let me say a few words.

Because I know y'all's doing that
promo for America's Got Talent.

I couldn't make it,
so I was thinking

you give me the microphone
and just show off

some of my singing abilities.
Wouldn't that be pretty cool?

-I mean, you're not talking into it.
-Seriously?

What's going on, guys? We're
coming at you raw right now.

You might know
this girl from...

Well, you know
where you know her from.

I wasn't supposed
to do that?

All right, man,
I hope she gets home safely.

I don't know.
I want to see another tape.

I jerk off
to her sometimes.

Like you don't jerk off to her.
Whatever.

Hey, it's me.

I know we haven't spoken
in a long time.

It's your agent,
by the way.

I just wanted to call
to say it really sucks

about what happened at your house
last night. Well, to the girl anyhow.

On the other hand, this is fantastic.
You're all over the news.

No such thing as bad publicity.
Am I right or what?

Thank you, thank you,
my wonderful darlings.

It means so much to myself

and my delicious
little wifey here

to have you welcome us to our new
life in Los Angeles, of course,

with such wide open arms

and such friendly loving smiles.

This stuff
is fucking incredible.

It's the same sort of thing we have
every week darling, but thank you.

You're talking
about the food?

Hello.

Hello.

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?

You being a good boy?
Who's a little sweety?

Hey.
Who's a little sweety?

Hey.

Yeah?

Aren't you dead yet?

Sweetheart, why don't
we have a little talk outside?

Hey.

I'm grounded.

You're what?

Grounded.

That's too funny.
Seriously?

No, but you're coming, right?
You have to come.

You have
everything on you.

Yeah. Babe, seriously, they're,
like, really, really mad.

So one of those guys
was, like, huge.

And he was really
really rude to me.

And the other guy thought
I was, like, a prostitute.

Seriously, you can get
your own stuff next time.

And by the way,
in other news...

I just had the best and worst
dinner party of my life.

Hey, what's with you?

Nothing. I'm good.
Like, I'm great.

You're acting
kind of strange.

You better
save some for me.

I have no idea
what you mean.

Look, just get your ass down
that drain pipe ASAP, okay?

I'm sure you're going to be
flying off that shit anyways.

Seriously, I'm not sure.
Like, I feel like shit.

Shut up.
Get over here, like, now

before I go over there and tell
your parents a shitload of stuff

they don't want to hear about
their little princess. Okay?

Okay.

Give me an hour.

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about yelling
at you earlier.

I shouldn't have done that.

But I just really want
to see you tonight.

Call me back.

Bye.

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about yelling
at you earlier.

I shouldn't have done that.

But I just really want
to see you tonight.

Call me back.

Yeah.

Well...

I'm actually just leaving this event.
I had to make an appearance.

I'd really love to,
but I can't tonight.

I have actually to, I have
to go home and feed my dogs.

Yeah. All right. Bye.

It's me.
Where the hell were you?

I'm on my way home.

Just get your cute butt over
as soon as you can, okay?

I'm here with one of the biggest
pop stars in the world.

Thanks for joining us.

Have you been following the
news about the L.A. Slasher?

I mean I've heard about it. I
don't follow that shit, though.

Do you have any messages
that you want to send

to the victims
of the L.A. Slasher?

Wait, yeah. Maybe if they had any
talent, everybody wouldn't hate them

and the Slasher wouldn't
have gone after them.

Ouch. That's pretty harsh.

Do you think the Slasher
would ever go after you?

Why would the Slasher
possibly go after me?

I actually have talent unlike these
other fools he's going after.

Speaking of talent, you've
been in the spotlight a lot,

for everything
but your music.

Can you tell us
what's been going on?

Whatever. Just trying
to have a good time.

I'm so pissed I didn't win a
Grammy, which I totally deserved.

Only now
I don't even care.

People are unfair to me.

They make up stories about
me to make me look bad.

Reports have surfaced that you've
been spitting on your fans.

That is so no true. I love my fans.
I bought them hot chocolate

and let them listen
to my new song.

And reports of you peeing
in a restaurant mop bucket

and cursing
a former president?

You know, sometimes
people make mistakes.

Haters just try
to tear you down.

Just trying
to stay positive, you know?

We also heard a lot of
controversy with you speeding

through the neighborhood
that you live in.

Your neighbors must hate you.

That's the risk you take in the
same neighborhood as a superstar.

I mean, they should just know to
look out for me. I'm royalty.

Cinnabun!

Cinnabun!

Cinnabun!

Come here, girl!

You know not to go outside.

Come here, girl!

Cinnabun!

Cinnabun, come out!

Cinnabun.

What's going on,
lovely people?

We got some raw footage to show you
that just hit the net right now.

Just a head's up. It might get a
little gnarly for some viewers.

Twerk it, girl. Twerk it.
Hip hop it out, baby.

Don't make me come over there.

Damn. Look, all right, we're
making a public shout out

right now to all of you to stop
using any and all social media

that might be helping
this L.A. Slasher fool.

I mean, we're getting
a lot of stories coming out.

It looks like this dude is no
joke, all right? For real.

L.A. Slasher is for real.
God bless.

Yo, can we run that tape again?
She was hot.

Please, sir,
whoever you are,

we urge you,
bring our daughter home

A child of privilege,
yes, I give you.

But she does not deserve
to be punished.

Bitch, please. She needs
to be put in her place.

Look, I'm actually
doing you a favor.

-You're an animal.
-She's our only daughter.

You're an animal.

Any... any amount
of money. Any.

Everybody hates reality TV,
but they watch it

just so they can tell you
about how much they hate it.

Whatever problems you have, change
the channel until you find somebody

who's worse off and then suddenly
your life doesn't seem so bad.

Let me tell you something,
it is that bad.

Life just keeps going
round and round,

only you have
to clean it, wash it out.

Wash out the shit.

The mayor has spoken out
against the L.A. Slasher today

and urges the public
to disregard any material

that's been posted online.

The Mayor is quoted
as saying the L.A. Slasher

is a despicable menace
to society.

He's just another fame chaser
looking for his 15 minutes.

I'm despicable?

Look who's talking,
you fucking man whore.

What would your wife say?

Baby.

Martin.

Mama mia.

Martin.

Look what
I got for you, pal.

Look what I got for you.

Lots and lots of this.

A lot of money.

This is a five.
I'm going to keep this.

Okay, Martin.

Wish me luck.

Ladies...

Ladies.

Buy me another drink.

We're out
in the middle of nowhere.

I know. I'm not really sure
where the nav is taking us.

Why didn't he send a driver?

I don't think
they can afford one.

God. Let's just hope your lovely
car doesn't cut out on us.

I've had this car
since I was 17.

It hasn't failed me yet.

I love this car,
but like you said,

you've had it
since you were 17.

And this is not the place
we want to break down.

I mean, what if the
Slasher is out here?

Don't you think it's ironic
that he's picking on girls

who are kind of
exactly like us?

Since when does everyone
just want to be famous?

-No way are you smoking that in here.
-Really?

Yeah.

God, you fucking health freaks.

Let's just do
a little blow.

-My God.
-Stop.

-You just killed my lady boner.
-Lady boner?

1987.

Aw, isn't his accent
just really cute?

In a short bus
kind of way.

No, we are not drunk...
yet.

-Hey.
-Whoo.

So you're making
a movie about this.

Yeah, I'm thinking about making
a movie about this Slasher guy.

That's how you make money.
Horror movies.

Ass sewn to mouth.

All in the name of fun.

Yes. Those are
actual films.

-With scripts and you know...
-Yeah.

Awesome.

Are you going to put
your pants on first?

I'm taking my pants off.

See? I'm comfortable.

You think this is the casting couch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I don't think so.
-It's going to take a little bit more...

Come on. Who wants a fucking
role in the sequel or not?

Are we being punked?

Well...

-Okay, let's stop. I'm getting out.
-Driver!

We're fucking late. I can't
believe we're fucking late.

This is only going
to take a minute.

You know none of us are
going to fuck you, right?

Really?

My God.

I'm going to get out.

Going to find out
what the fuck is going on.

Driver!

Hey, buddy!

Move this fucking
piece of shit.

I got a fucking red carpet,
got some babes in the back.

Move your fucking
piece of shit.

Maybe I wish the Slasher
would come for me.

Aw, sweetie, you're not
famous enough to be abducted.

But how cool would that be
if we were actually abducted?

Our ratings would go
through the roof.

But speaking of, we really do
need to get our ratings up.

I mean, reality TV
is no longer real.

It's totally scripted.

This is real.

Yeah, he's really
killing people.

Yeah, but who cares? These
are, like, worthless people.

They contribute
nothing to society.

So it's okay
for them to die?

I mean, who's really
gonna miss them?

We are those people.

It's like he's trying
to get rid of anybody

who just wants to be
famous for five minutes

and has no real talent.

It's like some kind
of weird social statement

about everything
that's wrong with the world.

Well, I actually think
that's a great statement.

I didn't do anything.

Well, hello,
ladies and douchebags.

Thanks for joining me.
It's so nice to have you here.

First up, auditions.

Yay. We all know you're not
famous for your talents,

but just
for shits and giggles,

let's see if there's a brain
beneath all that makeup.

You're not auditioning
for some stupid TV show here.

No, no, no.
This is much more important.

Best get
to running those lines

and practice,
practice, practice.

And you, Needledick, you're
going to film these girls.

But this time you're the one
who's going to be naked.

You're going to get what you
always wanted, a worldwide hit.

The police are working
around the clock

to remove all the videos placed
online by the L.A. Slasher.

However, the online auditions have
already attracted millions of views.

I think that there's
a lot more to me

than just being
from a very wealthy family.

I'm famous,
and I'm very well liked.

Very well liked.

Raging rock and...

Shall break the locks
of prison gates.

I think I should be a star
of the show because...

well, a lot
of people want to watch me.

I could play...

I definitely think
it's my great sense of style.

I have great hair,
and I like to have a good time.

Fuck.

Why are we doing this?

Three, two...

A looming fear increases
that the Slasher's antics

may be building to a climax.

And we are out.
Whoo. Good job.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Hurry up. Come on.

Sorry. Sorry. Here
we are. Here we are.

Stress level's high.

I've got a great idea.

Let's hear this one.

I'm going to go on Twitter so I can
tell the world where I am all the time.

So I can get into the tabloids,
like, all the time.

You're crazy. This sounds
like a grand plan.

Lighter. Thanks.

Take that in.

Let it in.

It's fucking moronic.

They might as well give the guy
a map and paint a big fucking X

on their foreheads.

That's a bit drastic.

All right, come on.
Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Come on.

Hello, lovely people.

We're here today talking
about the L.A. Slasher

How super exciting.
The critics' reviews are in.

Your performance was like
a big freaking horse's ass.

It's full of hot wind. I don't
know whether to slap that thing

or sadly want
to feed your head.

Fucking love you, dude.

We like his mask.

We love the mask.

I don't know. I don't know
if anyone's saying it,

but is it just me
or is he doing a good thing?

Hey, Sugar,
forget the talking.

Keep the moaning with a big
juicy cock in your ass.

We love the L.A. Slasher. We like
what he's doing. We love it.

I mean, I don't know. I'm not
going to arrest a garbageman

because he's throwing away my
garbage, you know what I'm sayin'?

Stuck up English bitch. You
think you're prettier than me?

You make me go fucking...
On my fucking fat thighs.

Yo, L.A. Slasher, we love
you. Fuck those reality stars.

Fuck those reality stars.

Golddiggers
get famous overnight.

I mean these people
are stupid.

-They're reality TV stars.
-Who gives a?

God, you're pathetic.

A teenage girl
desperate for fame.

Let me see, I can't sing
and I can't dance.

I know, I have a womb. I'm
going to get myself pregnant.

You fucking bitch.
So now you got a baby.

And the next spark of genius
that pops into

your little fucking pea brain...
porn. I'm sorry.

I mean, sex tapes, because
that's a little more refined.

Why don't you show
your loving family

what you've been
up to these days. Use it.

Enjoy it.

Potato. Potahto.
You're a fucking whore.

You should be used
to this by now.

You love
people watching, right?

Don't tell me
you're ashamed.

Look, if you don't watch,
she dies.

This is it, bro.

We're the big cats.

King of the jungle.

Tigers, man.
Fucking tigers.

We're lions. If we're kings of
the jungle, we're fucking lions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hakuna matada.
We're top dogs, baby.

Before we go talking
about the dogs,

let's finish talking
about the cats.

Hey. My cousin's giving us
the crown, bro.

Your cousin's
in prison... bro.

I told you, if we to do this,
we're going to do this my way.

Direct, protected,
and right under the radar.

I've got a lot of sex appeal
and, you know,

I just really bring
the boys out to play.

Well, a porcupine walks straight
through a pride of lions.

And the cubs may attack
because the cubs

are fucking idiots and they
don't know any better.

But the elders,
the elders are smart.

They know better.

Mr. Porcupine is armed.
Mr. Porcupine is ready.

Mr. Porcupine will pierce right
through their skin and fuck them up.

See?
We're the porcupine.

So we're
porcupines, amigo.

Not the lion.

Or the tigers.

Porcupine.

Wake me up
when we get there.

The mayor of Los Angeles
remains missing.

And speculation increases
that the mayor may have been

the latest victim
of the L.A. Slasher.

Hey, it's me.

Where are you?

I've been calling you
all day.

The show's looking for you.

Look, this isn't
funny anymore.

I'm coming over.

I just want to be the first to
say from the bottom of my heart,

who gives a?
She's a stupid bitch, right?

Who cares? Hey, Slasher.
Good one.

Hey, Channel 6. Do you see a
direct link between the victims?

Yeah.

They're all hot.

-Do you feel safe on the streets?
-I'm safe.

I don't have a damn thing
to worry about.

Who do you think the Slasher's
next victim will be?

I hope it's not
a hot blonde.

Kardashians got it coming,
I gotta say.

There's no victims.

Is there anybody else
you think has it coming?

Do I even need
to say the word Snooki?

-Have you watching online?
-I follow the news. Yeah, of course.

-Of course.
-I have.

You find it entertaining?

All up until the end.

Are you watching
the clips online?

I've seen
a few of them, yeah.

Are you afraid of the
clips that you've seen?

Not at all.

People like watching train wrecks.
It's ridiculous.

Do you think these
people had it coming?

Yeah.

So, you agree with what
the Slasher's doing?

Wholeheartedly.

I think they're pretending to be
real, but they're really not real.

They just want attention.

Yeah, it's kinda like
Greece with the Coliseum.

We're just watching people kill
each other for fun at this point.

We've come full circle.

Somebody help me!

Everyone is so sick and tired of
seeing your stupid fucking face.

And by the way, why do
you call the paparazzi

every time you have
to wipe your fucking ass

and then act like
they're bothering you?

Don't forget, they helped you
get you where you are,

you fucking idiot.

In all the time you spent
typing away on Twitter

and posting selfies
and pictures

of your fucking
breakfast burrito,

you did not use your fame for a
good cause or to help anyone else.

You could have rescued a cute
furry fucking cat from a tree,

or help an old bitch lady
cross the street or something.

You got married
just for the TV ratings.

Do you even have a soul?

You know, a dog
is a huge responsibility.

No. No.

No.

No, not my baby. No, please.
No, not my baby.

No.

All right, sweetie.

Make him sit.

Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.

Sit for mommy. Sit for mommy, baby.
Sit!

Sit for mommy,
baby, please!

Sit. Sit down now.

-Dear.
-That's a.

Sit, buddy, sit.

Sit.

No.

No.

No!

I have a really big fan base.

And I have a lot
of followers on Twitter.

Okay, welcome to the midnight
meeting of Killers Anonymous.

I'm your fearless leader
tonight, and I'm a killer.

I've identified myself
as a killer.

Anyone else here a killer? If so,
signify by raising your hand.

Good to see
you guys here again.

Mark. Quentin.

Big Joe, it's good to see
you out on probation again.

You're a solid dude.

I would trust you with my life.
I mean that.

So, anyway,
that's my share today.

I've got six minutes,
so, Delores,

you want to give me
four and two, time that.

And remember about the
can, of course, the fumes.

Remember what we said?
Okay?

Okay. So I've read
the big red book,

and I was thinking
about the fourth step.

You know, we talked about
triggers and what sets us off.

You know. You know
what I'm talking about.

Things that
really get to you.

Anyway, I think it was Thursday.
I was cooking a chicken.

You know, I'm getting ready,
cooking dinner.

And I'm cutting the chicken up.
I got the knife in there

between the breast bone
and the thigh.

And the fucking knife
sticks in the bone.

You know what I'm saying?

You know how that feels,
you know?

When you get the knife
stuck in the bone like that?

I mean, it just...
It just...

Hey, sir, welcome.

Welcome. This is the
midnight meeting of KA.

Do you want to join us here?
Yeah.

Come on in. Got a seat here for
you right next to Big Joe.

Don't need to be afraid.
Come on in.

Sir?

Hey, we're here
every week at midnight.

He's probably afraid.
He'll be back.

So, anyway, I was saying
this set me off.

And then later in the week
I'm at the dog park

and I swear
I was not stalking anyone.

Guys, it looks like it's a sad day
in the world of autotune pop music.

As one of the world's largest
pop stars got abducted today.

From a gym. Can you believe
that little bitch was at a gym?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I love your music.

I do. I love his music.

Whatever.

Better grab a seat.

I love party games.

Why am I not surprised
at you, you fucking rich bitch?

Hello?

Can anyone hear me? Hello?

Look, the sun rises
in the east, sets in the west.

We gotta go east,
I'm telling you.

It's east.

Fucking lost in the middle
of the fucking desert.

Fuck. Fuck.

The sun's over
my left shoulder.

We got to go...
It's gotta be east.

Okay. I can't believe they actually
want me to broadcast this bullshit.

Poor girls, evil men,
are you fucking kidding?

Do they have no clue
who these people are?

They're the villains
wasting your time, my time,

with their pointless shit
and their fucking idiocy.

Fucking idiocy.
Here we go.

We're on
in three, two...

The hunt for the Slasher
continues across Los Angeles

as the families
of these poor victims

plead to the public
for any information.

The beloved popstar's spokeswoman
said earlier, quote,

"He plays a huge role
in the artistry of this city

and without him
we are weak."

You know what?
I'm done.

Wait.

Mommy and Daddy's money
can't save you now.

Please.

You've bought your way out
of trouble so many times,

You must think life
is just a big party.

Please.

Please leave me alone.

Please.

Tell me, who do you hate more,
your friends or your enemies?

Or is it hard to tell when you're
stabbing them in the back?

Fuck you, bitch.

That feels good.

Everybody knows me
for having a lot of money.

Well, it's my daddy's money,
but it's mine.

Just moment's ago,
a 2000 Honda Civic

was found, which is believed
to be the vehicle

of the L.A. Slasher's
latest victim.

Look, we got
some news for you.

Another chick got taken today.

Reality TV star.
She's hot as fuck.

Ass and titties.
I don't know why she's gone.

I'm sorry, I got
a little emotional.

She's hot.
Let's get her home.

All right, I'm sorry.
Peace and love.

No.

No, don't you
fucking touch me.

Don't you fucking
come near me.

No, get away from me.

Don't fucking touch me.

My God. You are
the worst of them all.

You have destroyed marriages,

grabbed headlines,
dragged names through the mud.

And I want you
to know how that feels.

I'm going to leave you
to work that one out, genius.

No.

No. No.

Whoops.

Hi. You're going the wrong
way, you stupid bitch.

Go that way, please, because
this is a cat and mouse game.

And you're the little mouse
and I'm the big fat cat.

So, move along.
Go along.

Go ahead.

Come on, honey.

That way.

Hello?

Hey. Hey!

Can anyone hear me?

Help!

Please, I need help!

Hello? Can anyone hear me?
Please!

Come on, please help me!

Come on.
Come on.

Come on!

It's bullshit, man.

Freezing my balls off.

Hey, relax, man.

According to this map, it's
right around here somewhere.

What the fuck
you mean relax?

We're out here trying to
find an underground drug lab

in the middle
of the desert

with an X marks
the spot map at night

with a fucking torchlight
with the say so

of your goddamned cousin
who's in prison.

Why? Because he fucking
got caught selling

said drugs
from said lab.

So excuse
the fuck out of me

if I'm a little anxious
at the moment.

Hey, what
the fuck was that?

Who's out there?

It's probably
just a coyote.

Or an alien.

Jesus. Fuck.

I'm so fucking sorry
you got to find out this way.

Dispatch.
Patch me through.

This is narcotics division
officer number 3-0.

No fucking way.

Just let me
help this woman.

Then we can talk, bro.

I'm your bro now?

Fuck you.

Come on, baby.

You, of all people, know you
don't need to be afraid of me.

Come on.

You understand me.

Thank you, baby.

More tears are shed
on reality TV shows

than in all
the funerals of the world.

And it doesn't matter
if the tears are real.

Or if the tears are fake.

You, my friend,
have been sucked in.

Bamboozled.
So enjoy that, people.

Because like it or not,
this is us.

We're a people
of savage sentimentality.

Weeping and waiting for fame.

I do not believe
I did anything illegal.

I just want to say one thing
to the American people.

I did an awful awful lot
that was wrong.

I did not have sexual
relations with that woman,

Miss Lewinsky.

I never told anybody to lie.

Not a single time. Never.

These allegations are false.