L.A. Slasher (2016) Movie Script

Law enforcement officials

have had the hospital

under lockdown since she was

admitted earlier today.

She was discovered

wandering the Hollywood Hills

with multiple stab wounds

and dressed only

in blood soaked bandages.

The victim has been

unable to identify

her attacker at this time.

Thousands of fans

have flocked

to social networking sites

to express their sympathy,

while others, strangely,

are not so sympathetic.

I've never seen

so many cute boys

on the beach

at one time.

Wait a minute, why are

we all by ourselves?

They were

just intimidated.

That is so true.

Wait. Two cute girls

looking for boys. Whoo!

Okay, girls.

Let's call it a night.

No point in this bloody rain.

Would somebody

get me a blanket?

I'm freezing.

Hey, are you coming?

I'll catch you later.

L.A. is in such

a sad state these days.

It's always been the go-to place

for people talking bullshit,

but this...

This is a whole other level.

Reality TV.

The birthplace of the moron.

Some of us laugh with them,

but most of us at them.

All you have to do

is act like a jackass

and the offers

will start rolling in.

Welcome to Hollyweird.

Famous for being famous?

You know what?

I think it's time these people

learn the true price of fame.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Good, how are you?

I'm good.

Thank you.

Hey, ladies.

What can I get you?

Can we just get

the usual, please?

And can

we turn this off?

This song really

hurts my head.

Yes, of course.

So, my agent called.

Yes. Okay.

And they want me on that

show I was telling you about.

My God.

I know. Isn't it crazy?

I'm going to be on TV.

Okay, you're always

on TV, but...

Yeah, but always for

the wrong reasons.

Yeah.

Now at least they'll get to see

how amazing my personality is.

And how sweet

and humble I am.

-You know?

-Yeah.

My Twitter followers

are going to be insane.

I should totally

try and hook you up.

Yeah, I mean, I've actually

already been there,

done that with reality TV and...

I'm already

a household name.

So I'm concentrating

on my serious acting

and hip hop career now.

So I definitely

won't do reality TV.

I mean, you'd be

really good.

So...

Well, you'll just

have to wait and see.

My God,

save this weather.

I was laying out

in the sun earlier,

I can't believe I've spent

a lifetime away from this.

My God.

I could not imagine

being pasty white

all year round.

Girl...

Thank God you have

that spray tan.

Well, yeah. I mean, obviously

I've spent my 21 years

out of the sun, which

means I'll have naturally

wrinkle-free skin,

like, forever,

unlike everyone else

around here. So...

That's what Botox

is for, girl.

Because I really want

to throw this party,

I hooked up with this

hot DJ last summer

and he can probably

have a friend.

And, they love

English accents.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I can't go anywhere without

getting loads of attention.

Same.

So annoying.

Yeah, it must be

really annoying,

people pursuing you for your

English accent all the time.

So, anyway, this is the

address you're going to.

Thank you so much for doing this.

I really appreciate it.

Yeah, I mean, you know if my parents

found out they would kill me.

I mean, like,

actually kill me.

They think I'm,

like, this princess.

So, I wanted to ask you

I was thinking about

changing my look up

and going blonde

for the show

because I feel like blond

really accentuates my eyes.

What do you think?

Like if all of it was blond?

Yeah.

I mean, aren't you in, like,

one episode for 15 seconds?

I mean, like, you'd

look great whatever.

I just mean

don't go red.

You're such a doll.

I know.

Glucose, sugar, and...

Close.

One more.

Water.

You already had that one.

A 14-year-old girl

walks into a hair salon

carrying a Twinkie.

She sits down, hairdresser

puts a plastic cover on her

and starts

cutting her hair.

So the girl kicks back and

starts eating the Twinkie.

Not realizing that the hair that's

being cut is dropping onto the Twinkie.

The hairdresser

is trying to be polite.

He says, "Young lady, you're

getting hair on your Twinkie."

The girl jumps up,

she smiles real big.

She says, "I know.

I'm getting tits, too."

I'll give you a clue.

It rhymes with...

Rhymes with...

It rhymes

with street power.

Street power.

Press you

for an answer.

Man, I can't think

with all this pressure.

Street...

Tree flower.

What the fuck

is tree flower?

It sounds like something

that would go into a Twinkie.

Why do you always

give me a hard time?

Flour. Flour. It's not something

that grows out of the ground.

It's not something

that has fucking petals.

Flour. F-L-O-U-R.

Flour.

I don't give

a fuck anyway.

Why are we sitting here playing

guess what's in the Twinkie,

and don't eat that shit anyway.

It's fucking horrible for you.

It'll give you cancer.

You must be

the bullies?

You look like bullies.

I'm here for the,

you know...

One sec.

I'm here

for the exchange.

Okay. First of all, I think

everybody needs to calm down

and then we can

get on with business.

Twinkie?

No thank you.

Like I said, if we could

just get on with the exchange.

Exchange.

That's the first time

I've ever heard it

called an exchange.

But I like it.

It's classy.

I've never actually

done this before.

And I'm really not sure

what I'm supposed to do.

I'm a little bit

nervous, actually.

So if you could just

walk me through this.

I'll walk you

through it, honey.

Don't worry. I'll walk

you through it, honey.

Here.

This should take care it.

Okay, I'm so confused.

I should be paying you.

My reputation

precedes me.

You've been

walked through.

Thank you.

Fuck off.

Get the fuck out.

Okay.

Aren't we gonna

get no pussy?

Just eat your fucking

Twinkie, man.

Look, you can't

avoid this forever.

I think if you agree to rehab, the

judge might be lenient with you.

Remember, you're not the star you

were anymore. You're another nobody.

That reality show doesn't

count as an acting job.

It's time to give up the

dream and get a real job.

Hey.

the grizzly discovery

in the Hollywood Hills.

The mystery continues to unravel

as someone calling himself

Here you go.

The LA Slasher

has claimed responsibility

for the violent attack

on the reality TV star

by posting an incriminating

video online.

The video has

already gone viral.

It was posted earlier today.

Thanks.

Hey, sugar tits.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm really good.

Hey, I saw that reality

show the other night.

Really? What'd you think?

-That shit is awful.

-Great.

Why'd you even bother?

Hey, you should be doing

one of these movies up there.

There might be

a role in it for you

if you show me how much

you really want it.

-What kind of movie?

-It's like a horror movie.

-A horror movie?

-Yeah. We're taking it to Cannes.

You been to Cannes?

No.

So, you know

this party we're doing?

-You mean the one I'm doing?

-Yeah.

I'll bring all the right people.

It'll be crawling with celebs

if you make it

worth my while.

-You know what I mean, gorgeous?

-I'm good.

-All right, well, enjoy your night.

-Absolutely.

-Bye.

-Take it easy.

Leave a message.

Hey, babe.

What are you up to?

I lost my voice.

I went to this rager.

It was amazing.

You should've been there.

Hey wait, I'm at work.

So, what'd you end up

doing last night?

Hey, did you hear that girl

who's supposed to guest star

on our show next month?

I mean, small

fucking world, right?

That's kinda crazy

and kinda scary.

Anyway, guess who I ran into

at the club tonight?

That creepy ass producer guy.

I don't know about

having him organize our party.

I kinda feel like it's going to

be a bunch of lame old dudes

hanging around, just gonna

sit around and stare at us.

I know. Like I don't get

enough of that at work.

Anyway, let me let you go.

I'll call you later.

I have a hot date tonight

and I got to get ready.

But I love you lots.

Mwa. Bye.

That's awful.

I can't believe all these

people are in my house.

I know.

I am so Tweeting this.

I know. I'm sorry. But it's

kinda funny, right? I mean...

Who invited

all these people?

Probably a Facebook invite

or something.

Is there any men here?

No.

No, dude, I know. It's like Star

80 on steroids or something.

No, seriously,

it's creeping me out.

Someone sent me a link to all that

shit he's been streaming online.

-Did you watch it?

-Hell no.

I act in horror movies

for a living.

I don't want to watch

that shit in real life.

But, hey, on the upside, they'll probably

be making a movie about this soon.

This party is so tragic. It's actually

kind of funny. It's kinda entertaining.

My God, I totally see that

douchebag producer over there.

-Hey, girl.

-Why do you still hang out with him?

I... because he's rich.

That's disgusting.

I know.

He is disgusting.

And now it's raining.

-Are you kidding?

-Like it could get any worse.

Yeah,

this party sucks.

Do we have to stay

at our own party?

I don't know.

Want to go eat?

It's not funny.

This is my house.

We should just call the cops

and get them to empty it out.

No, but I mean, come on.

It will make for a good story.

You know what's

an even better story?

What if The Slasher

showed up tonight?

My God,

you would love that.

-Did you watch the news last night?

-Yes.

You're sick

in the head.

No, I'm just

all about entertainment.

I mean,

it's kinda crazy.

I mean,

it could be anybody here.

Yeah.

Maybe it's you.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm The Slasher. Who

will be my next victim?

That girl over there.

What? The one

with the weave?

Or the one

with the Payless shoes?

How's my hair?

How's my tits?

Another one?

You look great.

You ready?

Let's go eat. Come on.

I'm starving.

I'm not leaving all these

people in my house.

Lock it up, let them stay on the

roof, let's go grab some food.

I'm, like,

dying for a milkshake.

Look at this girl.

The infamous star of numerous

accidentally released sex tapes

was attending a party

with friends at this home.

Several witnesses state she had not

been seen since around 11:30 p.m.

Excuse me. Sir?

Can you tell us

what happened here tonight?

Yeah, hey.

Well, they wouldn't

let me in the party,

but I stuck around because

that smoking hot chick

from one of those sex tapes

was here.

But I heard

someone drowned.

I mean, someone

killed that girl.

You know, you are one pretty girl.

Is this Channel 6?

I usually watch Channel 4.

Exciting development.

You know, I got a few

comments I could throw in.

I wasn't done talking. If

y'all let me say a few words.

Because I know y'all's doing that

promo for America's Got Talent.

I couldn't make it,

so I was thinking

you give me the microphone

and just show off

some of my singing abilities.

Wouldn't that be pretty cool?

-I mean, you're not talking into it.

-Seriously?

What's going on, guys? We're

coming at you raw right now.

You might know

this girl from...

Well, you know

where you know her from.

I wasn't supposed

to do that?

All right, man,

I hope she gets home safely.

I don't know.

I want to see another tape.

I jerk off

to her sometimes.

Like you don't jerk off to her.

Whatever.

Hey, it's me.

I know we haven't spoken

in a long time.

It's your agent,

by the way.

I just wanted to call

to say it really sucks

about what happened at your house

last night. Well, to the girl anyhow.

On the other hand, this is fantastic.

You're all over the news.

No such thing as bad publicity.

Am I right or what?

Thank you, thank you,

my wonderful darlings.

It means so much to myself

and my delicious

little wifey here

to have you welcome us to our new

life in Los Angeles, of course,

with such wide open arms

and such friendly loving smiles.

This stuff

is fucking incredible.

It's the same sort of thing we have

every week darling, but thank you.

You're talking

about the food?

Hello.

Who's a good boy?

You being a good boy?

Who's a little sweety?

Hey.

Who's a little sweety?

Hey.

Yeah?

Aren't you dead yet?

Sweetheart, why don't

we have a little talk outside?

Hey.

I'm grounded.

You're what?

Grounded.

That's too funny.

Seriously?

No, but you're coming, right?

You have to come.

You have

everything on you.

Yeah. Babe, seriously, they're,

like, really, really mad.

So one of those guys

was, like, huge.

And he was really

really rude to me.

And the other guy thought

I was, like, a prostitute.

Seriously, you can get

your own stuff next time.

And by the way,

in other news...

I just had the best and worst

dinner party of my life.

Hey, what's with you?

Nothing. I'm good.

Like, I'm great.

You're acting

kind of strange.

You better

save some for me.

I have no idea

what you mean.

Look, just get your ass down

that drain pipe ASAP, okay?

I'm sure you're going to be

flying off that shit anyways.

Seriously, I'm not sure.

Like, I feel like shit.

Shut up.

Get over here, like, now

before I go over there and tell

your parents a shitload of stuff

they don't want to hear about

their little princess. Okay?

Okay.

Give me an hour.

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about yelling

at you earlier.

I shouldn't have done that.

But I just really want

to see you tonight.

Call me back.

Bye.

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about yelling

at you earlier.

I shouldn't have done that.

But I just really want

to see you tonight.

Call me back.

Yeah.

Well...

I'm actually just leaving this event.

I had to make an appearance.

I'd really love to,

but I can't tonight.

I have actually to, I have

to go home and feed my dogs.

Yeah. All right. Bye.

It's me.

Where the hell were you?

I'm on my way home.

Just get your cute butt over

as soon as you can, okay?

I'm here with one of the biggest

pop stars in the world.

Thanks for joining us.

Have you been following the

news about the L.A. Slasher?

I mean I've heard about it. I

don't follow that shit, though.

Do you have any messages

that you want to send

to the victims

of the L.A. Slasher?

Wait, yeah. Maybe if they had any

talent, everybody wouldn't hate them

and the Slasher wouldn't

have gone after them.

Ouch. That's pretty harsh.

Do you think the Slasher

would ever go after you?

Why would the Slasher

possibly go after me?

I actually have talent unlike these

other fools he's going after.

Speaking of talent, you've

been in the spotlight a lot,

for everything

but your music.

Can you tell us

what's been going on?

Whatever. Just trying

to have a good time.

I'm so pissed I didn't win a

Grammy, which I totally deserved.

Only now

I don't even care.

People are unfair to me.

They make up stories about

me to make me look bad.

Reports have surfaced that you've

been spitting on your fans.

That is so no true. I love my fans.

I bought them hot chocolate

and let them listen

to my new song.

And reports of you peeing

in a restaurant mop bucket

and cursing

a former president?

You know, sometimes

people make mistakes.

Haters just try

to tear you down.

Just trying

to stay positive, you know?

We also heard a lot of

controversy with you speeding

through the neighborhood

that you live in.

Your neighbors must hate you.

That's the risk you take in the

same neighborhood as a superstar.

I mean, they should just know to

look out for me. I'm royalty.

Cinnabun!

Come here, girl!

You know not to go outside.

Come here, girl!

Cinnabun!

Cinnabun, come out!

Cinnabun.

What's going on,

lovely people?

We got some raw footage to show you

that just hit the net right now.

Just a head's up. It might get a

little gnarly for some viewers.

Twerk it, girl. Twerk it.

Hip hop it out, baby.

Don't make me come over there.

Damn. Look, all right, we're

making a public shout out

right now to all of you to stop

using any and all social media

that might be helping

this L.A. Slasher fool.

I mean, we're getting

a lot of stories coming out.

It looks like this dude is no

joke, all right? For real.

L.A. Slasher is for real.

God bless.

Yo, can we run that tape again?

She was hot.

Please, sir,

whoever you are,

we urge you,

bring our daughter home

A child of privilege,

yes, I give you.

But she does not deserve

to be punished.

Bitch, please. She needs

to be put in her place.

Look, I'm actually

doing you a favor.

-You're an animal.

-She's our only daughter.

You're an animal.

Any... any amount

of money. Any.

Everybody hates reality TV,

but they watch it

just so they can tell you

about how much they hate it.

Whatever problems you have, change

the channel until you find somebody

who's worse off and then suddenly

your life doesn't seem so bad.

Let me tell you something,

it is that bad.

Life just keeps going

round and round,

only you have

to clean it, wash it out.

Wash out the shit.

The mayor has spoken out

against the L.A. Slasher today

and urges the public

to disregard any material

that's been posted online.

The Mayor is quoted

as saying the L.A. Slasher

is a despicable menace

to society.

He's just another fame chaser

looking for his 15 minutes.

I'm despicable?

Look who's talking,

you fucking man whore.

What would your wife say?

Baby.

Martin.

Mama mia.

Martin.

Look what

I got for you, pal.

Look what I got for you.

Lots and lots of this.

A lot of money.

This is a five.

I'm going to keep this.

Okay, Martin.

Wish me luck.

Ladies...

Ladies.

Buy me another drink.

We're out

in the middle of nowhere.

I know. I'm not really sure

where the nav is taking us.

Why didn't he send a driver?

I don't think

they can afford one.

God. Let's just hope your lovely

car doesn't cut out on us.

I've had this car

since I was 17.

It hasn't failed me yet.

I love this car,

but like you said,

you've had it

since you were 17.

And this is not the place

we want to break down.

I mean, what if the

Slasher is out here?

Don't you think it's ironic

that he's picking on girls

who are kind of

exactly like us?

Since when does everyone

just want to be famous?

-No way are you smoking that in here.

-Really?

Yeah.

God, you fucking health freaks.

Let's just do

a little blow.

-My God.

-Stop.

-You just killed my lady boner.

-Lady boner?

1987.

Aw, isn't his accent

just really cute?

In a short bus

kind of way.

No, we are not drunk...

yet.

-Hey.

-Whoo.

So you're making

a movie about this.

Yeah, I'm thinking about making

a movie about this Slasher guy.

That's how you make money.

Horror movies.

Ass sewn to mouth.

All in the name of fun.

Yes. Those are

actual films.

-With scripts and you know...

-Yeah.

Awesome.

Are you going to put

your pants on first?

I'm taking my pants off.

See? I'm comfortable.

You think this is the casting couch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I don't think so.

-It's going to take a little bit more...

Come on. Who wants a fucking

role in the sequel or not?

Are we being punked?

Well...

-Okay, let's stop. I'm getting out.

-Driver!

We're fucking late. I can't

believe we're fucking late.

This is only going

to take a minute.

You know none of us are

going to fuck you, right?

Really?

My God.

I'm going to get out.

Going to find out

what the fuck is going on.

Driver!

Hey, buddy!

Move this fucking

piece of shit.

I got a fucking red carpet,

got some babes in the back.

Move your fucking

piece of shit.

Maybe I wish the Slasher

would come for me.

Aw, sweetie, you're not

famous enough to be abducted.

But how cool would that be

if we were actually abducted?

Our ratings would go

through the roof.

But speaking of, we really do

need to get our ratings up.

I mean, reality TV

is no longer real.

It's totally scripted.

This is real.

Yeah, he's really

killing people.

Yeah, but who cares? These

are, like, worthless people.

They contribute

nothing to society.

So it's okay

for them to die?

I mean, who's really

gonna miss them?

We are those people.

It's like he's trying

to get rid of anybody

who just wants to be

famous for five minutes

and has no real talent.

It's like some kind

of weird social statement

about everything

that's wrong with the world.

Well, I actually think

that's a great statement.

I didn't do anything.

Well, hello,

ladies and douchebags.

Thanks for joining me.

It's so nice to have you here.

First up, auditions.

Yay. We all know you're not

famous for your talents,

but just

for shits and giggles,

let's see if there's a brain

beneath all that makeup.

You're not auditioning

for some stupid TV show here.

No, no, no.

This is much more important.

Best get

to running those lines

and practice,

practice, practice.

And you, Needledick, you're

going to film these girls.

But this time you're the one

who's going to be naked.

You're going to get what you

always wanted, a worldwide hit.

The police are working

around the clock

to remove all the videos placed

online by the L.A. Slasher.

However, the online auditions have

already attracted millions of views.

I think that there's

a lot more to me

than just being

from a very wealthy family.

I'm famous,

and I'm very well liked.

Very well liked.

Raging rock and...

Shall break the locks

of prison gates.

I think I should be a star

of the show because...

well, a lot

of people want to watch me.

I could play...

I definitely think

it's my great sense of style.

I have great hair,

and I like to have a good time.

Fuck.

Why are we doing this?

Three, two...

A looming fear increases

that the Slasher's antics

may be building to a climax.

And we are out.

Whoo. Good job.

Here we go.

Hurry up. Come on.

Sorry. Sorry. Here

we are. Here we are.

Stress level's high.

I've got a great idea.

Let's hear this one.

I'm going to go on Twitter so I can

tell the world where I am all the time.

So I can get into the tabloids,

like, all the time.

You're crazy. This sounds

like a grand plan.

Lighter. Thanks.

Take that in.

Let it in.

It's fucking moronic.

They might as well give the guy

a map and paint a big fucking X

on their foreheads.

That's a bit drastic.

All right, come on.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Come on.

Hello, lovely people.

We're here today talking

about the L.A. Slasher

How super exciting.

The critics' reviews are in.

Your performance was like

a big freaking horse's ass.

It's full of hot wind. I don't

know whether to slap that thing

or sadly want

to feed your head.

Fucking love you, dude.

We like his mask.

We love the mask.

I don't know. I don't know

if anyone's saying it,

but is it just me

or is he doing a good thing?

Hey, Sugar,

forget the talking.

Keep the moaning with a big

juicy cock in your ass.

We love the L.A. Slasher. We like

what he's doing. We love it.

I mean, I don't know. I'm not

going to arrest a garbageman

because he's throwing away my

garbage, you know what I'm sayin'?

Stuck up English bitch. You

think you're prettier than me?

You make me go fucking...

On my fucking fat thighs.

Yo, L.A. Slasher, we love

you. Fuck those reality stars.

Fuck those reality stars.

Golddiggers

get famous overnight.

I mean these people

are stupid.

-They're reality TV stars.

-Who gives a?

God, you're pathetic.

A teenage girl

desperate for fame.

Let me see, I can't sing

and I can't dance.

I know, I have a womb. I'm

going to get myself pregnant.

You fucking bitch.

So now you got a baby.

And the next spark of genius

that pops into

your little fucking pea brain...

porn. I'm sorry.

I mean, sex tapes, because

that's a little more refined.

Why don't you show

your loving family

what you've been

up to these days. Use it.

Enjoy it.

Potato. Potahto.

You're a fucking whore.

You should be used

to this by now.

You love

people watching, right?

Don't tell me

you're ashamed.

Look, if you don't watch,

she dies.

This is it, bro.

We're the big cats.

King of the jungle.

Tigers, man.

Fucking tigers.

We're lions. If we're kings of

the jungle, we're fucking lions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hakuna matada.

We're top dogs, baby.

Before we go talking

about the dogs,

let's finish talking

about the cats.

Hey. My cousin's giving us

the crown, bro.

Your cousin's

in prison... bro.

I told you, if we to do this,

we're going to do this my way.

Direct, protected,

and right under the radar.

I've got a lot of sex appeal

and, you know,

I just really bring

the boys out to play.

Well, a porcupine walks straight

through a pride of lions.

And the cubs may attack

because the cubs

are fucking idiots and they

don't know any better.

But the elders,

the elders are smart.

They know better.

Mr. Porcupine is armed.

Mr. Porcupine is ready.

Mr. Porcupine will pierce right

through their skin and fuck them up.

See?

We're the porcupine.

So we're

porcupines, amigo.

Not the lion.

Or the tigers.

Porcupine.

Wake me up

when we get there.

The mayor of Los Angeles

remains missing.

And speculation increases

that the mayor may have been

the latest victim

of the L.A. Slasher.

Hey, it's me.

Where are you?

I've been calling you

all day.

The show's looking for you.

Look, this isn't

funny anymore.

I'm coming over.

I just want to be the first to

say from the bottom of my heart,

who gives a?

She's a stupid bitch, right?

Who cares? Hey, Slasher.

Good one.

Hey, Channel 6. Do you see a

direct link between the victims?

Yeah.

They're all hot.

-Do you feel safe on the streets?

-I'm safe.

I don't have a damn thing

to worry about.

Who do you think the Slasher's

next victim will be?

I hope it's not

a hot blonde.

Kardashians got it coming,

I gotta say.

There's no victims.

Is there anybody else

you think has it coming?

Do I even need

to say the word Snooki?

-Have you watching online?

-I follow the news. Yeah, of course.

-Of course.

-I have.

You find it entertaining?

All up until the end.

Are you watching

the clips online?

I've seen

a few of them, yeah.

Are you afraid of the

clips that you've seen?

Not at all.

People like watching train wrecks.

It's ridiculous.

Do you think these

people had it coming?

Yeah.

So, you agree with what

the Slasher's doing?

Wholeheartedly.

I think they're pretending to be

real, but they're really not real.

They just want attention.

Yeah, it's kinda like

Greece with the Coliseum.

We're just watching people kill

each other for fun at this point.

We've come full circle.

Somebody help me!

Everyone is so sick and tired of

seeing your stupid fucking face.

And by the way, why do

you call the paparazzi

every time you have

to wipe your fucking ass

and then act like

they're bothering you?

Don't forget, they helped you

get you where you are,

you fucking idiot.

In all the time you spent

typing away on Twitter

and posting selfies

and pictures

of your fucking

breakfast burrito,

you did not use your fame for a

good cause or to help anyone else.

You could have rescued a cute

furry fucking cat from a tree,

or help an old bitch lady

cross the street or something.

You got married

just for the TV ratings.

Do you even have a soul?

You know, a dog

is a huge responsibility.

No. No.

No.

No, not my baby. No, please.

No, not my baby.

No.

All right, sweetie.

Make him sit.

Come on, baby.

Sit for mommy. Sit for mommy, baby.

Sit!

Sit for mommy,

baby, please!

Sit. Sit down now.

-Dear.

-That's a.

Sit, buddy, sit.

Sit.

No.

No!

I have a really big fan base.

And I have a lot

of followers on Twitter.

Okay, welcome to the midnight

meeting of Killers Anonymous.

I'm your fearless leader

tonight, and I'm a killer.

I've identified myself

as a killer.

Anyone else here a killer? If so,

signify by raising your hand.

Good to see

you guys here again.

Mark. Quentin.

Big Joe, it's good to see

you out on probation again.

You're a solid dude.

I would trust you with my life.

I mean that.

So, anyway,

that's my share today.

I've got six minutes,

so, Delores,

you want to give me

four and two, time that.

And remember about the

can, of course, the fumes.

Remember what we said?

Okay?

Okay. So I've read

the big red book,

and I was thinking

about the fourth step.

You know, we talked about

triggers and what sets us off.

You know. You know

what I'm talking about.

Things that

really get to you.

Anyway, I think it was Thursday.

I was cooking a chicken.

You know, I'm getting ready,

cooking dinner.

And I'm cutting the chicken up.

I got the knife in there

between the breast bone

and the thigh.

And the fucking knife

sticks in the bone.

You know what I'm saying?

You know how that feels,

you know?

When you get the knife

stuck in the bone like that?

I mean, it just...

It just...

Hey, sir, welcome.

Welcome. This is the

midnight meeting of KA.

Do you want to join us here?

Yeah.

Come on in. Got a seat here for

you right next to Big Joe.

Don't need to be afraid.

Come on in.

Sir?

Hey, we're here

every week at midnight.

He's probably afraid.

He'll be back.

So, anyway, I was saying

this set me off.

And then later in the week

I'm at the dog park

and I swear

I was not stalking anyone.

Guys, it looks like it's a sad day

in the world of autotune pop music.

As one of the world's largest

pop stars got abducted today.

From a gym. Can you believe

that little bitch was at a gym?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love your music.

I do. I love his music.

Whatever.

Better grab a seat.

I love party games.

Why am I not surprised

at you, you fucking rich bitch?

Hello?

Can anyone hear me? Hello?

Look, the sun rises

in the east, sets in the west.

We gotta go east,

I'm telling you.

It's east.

Fucking lost in the middle

of the fucking desert.

Fuck. Fuck.

The sun's over

my left shoulder.

We got to go...

It's gotta be east.

Okay. I can't believe they actually

want me to broadcast this bullshit.

Poor girls, evil men,

are you fucking kidding?

Do they have no clue

who these people are?

They're the villains

wasting your time, my time,

with their pointless shit

and their fucking idiocy.

Fucking idiocy.

Here we go.

We're on

in three, two...

The hunt for the Slasher

continues across Los Angeles

as the families

of these poor victims

plead to the public

for any information.

The beloved popstar's spokeswoman

said earlier, quote,

"He plays a huge role

in the artistry of this city

and without him

we are weak."

You know what?

I'm done.

Wait.

Mommy and Daddy's money

can't save you now.

Please.

You've bought your way out

of trouble so many times,

You must think life

is just a big party.

Please.

Please leave me alone.

Please.

Tell me, who do you hate more,

your friends or your enemies?

Or is it hard to tell when you're

stabbing them in the back?

Fuck you, bitch.

That feels good.

Everybody knows me

for having a lot of money.

Well, it's my daddy's money,

but it's mine.

Just moment's ago,

a 2000 Honda Civic

was found, which is believed

to be the vehicle

of the L.A. Slasher's

latest victim.

Look, we got

some news for you.

Another chick got taken today.

Reality TV star.

She's hot as fuck.

Ass and titties.

I don't know why she's gone.

I'm sorry, I got

a little emotional.

She's hot.

Let's get her home.

All right, I'm sorry.

Peace and love.

No.

No, don't you

fucking touch me.

Don't you fucking

come near me.

No, get away from me.

Don't fucking touch me.

My God. You are

the worst of them all.

You have destroyed marriages,

grabbed headlines,

dragged names through the mud.

And I want you

to know how that feels.

I'm going to leave you

to work that one out, genius.

No.

No. No.

Whoops.

Hi. You're going the wrong

way, you stupid bitch.

Go that way, please, because

this is a cat and mouse game.

And you're the little mouse

and I'm the big fat cat.

So, move along.

Go along.

Go ahead.

Come on, honey.

That way.

Hello?

Hey. Hey!

Can anyone hear me?

Help!

Please, I need help!

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Please!

Come on, please help me!

Come on.

Come on!

It's bullshit, man.

Freezing my balls off.

Hey, relax, man.

According to this map, it's

right around here somewhere.

What the fuck

you mean relax?

We're out here trying to

find an underground drug lab

in the middle

of the desert

with an X marks

the spot map at night

with a fucking torchlight

with the say so

of your goddamned cousin

who's in prison.

Why? Because he fucking

got caught selling

said drugs

from said lab.

So excuse

the fuck out of me

if I'm a little anxious

at the moment.

Hey, what

the fuck was that?

Who's out there?

It's probably

just a coyote.

Or an alien.

Jesus. Fuck.

I'm so fucking sorry

you got to find out this way.

Dispatch.

Patch me through.

This is narcotics division

officer number 3-0.

No fucking way.

Just let me

help this woman.

Then we can talk, bro.

I'm your bro now?

Fuck you.

Come on, baby.

You, of all people, know you

don't need to be afraid of me.

Come on.

You understand me.

Thank you, baby.

More tears are shed

on reality TV shows

than in all

the funerals of the world.

And it doesn't matter

if the tears are real.

Or if the tears are fake.

You, my friend,

have been sucked in.

Bamboozled.

So enjoy that, people.

Because like it or not,

this is us.

We're a people

of savage sentimentality.

Weeping and waiting for fame.

I do not believe

I did anything illegal.

I just want to say one thing

to the American people.

I did an awful awful lot

that was wrong.

I did not have sexual

relations with that woman,

Miss Lewinsky.

I never told anybody to lie.

Not a single time. Never.

These allegations are false.

L.A. Slasher (2016) - full transcript