Kurz manzelské touhy (2021) - full transcript
Welcome, everyone.
Now close your eyes for a while…
THE ART OF PASSION
…take your partner's hand
and tune in to your mutual energy field.
Can you feel the energy?
Passing from one into the other?
There were times when you
couldn't get enough of each other.
You'd dream about each other,
you'd make love
and then it all seems to get lost.
The passion disappears.
And we're here to bring it
back into your relationship.
Are you in? Excellent.
Right.
And now remember something nice
you experienced together
when you were really close.
Those of you who have remembered,
gently squeeze your partner by the hand.
Wonderful.
Think of the scents you smelled,
the sounds you heard back then.
-It's beautiful, isn't it?
-Helena?
And now the memories pop up
one after another, don't they?
Helena, can you feel anything?
Grant your partner enough time.
Jesus Christ, Helena.
Helena, you can't fall asleep.
For God's sake, Helena.
You can't fall asleep.
-For God's sake, you can't fall asleep.
-Jesus, I fell asleep, didn't I?
-I'm terribly sorry.
-It's okay. Don't worry about it.
Right. This was an introductory exercise
and we shall meet in the lobby shortly
to discuss some logistics
and then we'll get to work.
Did he just say work?
You promised me a relaxing stay.
Your leaflet says you provide passion.
Now you talk about work.
-Let's go home.
-In order to improve your relationship
-we need you to cooperate, Mr….
-Zounar, nice to meet you.
-Cuddle.
-Step away, love. Look, I'm a builder.
If you pay me to build you a house
I wouldn't make you carry
a sack of cement, right?
There must be a difference between
a sack of cement and your lovely wife.
-Right, Mr. Zounar?
-I guess there is.
The cement won't make you
go to a stint
at a marital reformatory.
Right. See you in the lobby, okay?
-What brought you here, skiers?
-Pruša won a stay from a trivia contest.
-And he won all this too.
-"History of the Czech Sport".
Nice.
The first prize was a trip
to a Bayern match.
-But you came in second?
-Right.
Why wasn't this built on a normal
foundation like any other house?
Because it's pretty this way?
Pretty? It's expensive.
And we're the ones who pay for it.
-After work we never go out for coffee.
-What's wrong with that?
Expressing emotions
that belong to our partner.
If we do that, obviously our partner
doesn't get any of that at all at home.
-Right, my love?
-Some things are better said to friends.
-Not a husband.
-Not every husband.
Let Patrika arrange the transport…
Once again, welcome.
And let me use this opportunity
to introduce the owner of this resort,
Mr. Johan Rittner. Good day.
Could you tell our guests
a thing about relationships?
Good day to you all.
I can't remember much about relationships
so I'll leave it up to our expert.
Mr. Rittner's passions are ponds,
woods and especially mosses,
he knows hundreds of species. Right, sir?
Yes, moss has this special quality
of being able to use the good stuff
without trying to change the bad stuff.
Unlike marriage, as you like to add.
Well, enjoy your stay. At your own risk.
Wait, what risk?
We don't know what you'll do to us
and you want us to take a risk?
Mr. Zounar has been a bit skeptical.
-Give it a chance, Mr. Zounar.
-Have you been here before?
Sure.
The Dudas are no different
from all the other couples here.
-They started to drift apart.
-These lessons saved our marriage.
So I'm supposed to pay for a chance
to hug my own wife? That's huge.
-I can't wait to tell the men at the site.
-I have a proposal for you.
If the method doesn't work,
you'll get a full refund from us.
Be more specific.
On your website you promise
-to bring passion back into our lives.
-Yes, that is correct.
-You'll get a full refund.
-Who'll be the judge of that? Mr. Moss?
You yourself.
Before your departure
Mr. Moss will ask you about the result.
-Deal?
-Sure, deal.
There you go.
-See?
-Come on.
Monika!
-Hi.
-Hi.
-What are you doing here?
-I'm a yoga and jogging instructor.
-What are you doing here?
-Just here for this course.
Since when do you need
to be lectured in passion?
Out with it, Patrika.
What did they steal this time?
Eight towels, four robes,
two pairs of slippers,
one bathroom mat and a doormat.
-A doormat?
-Yes. Room 115.
Thanks for backing me up, Mr. Moss.
On the contrary, doctor.
You're in trouble.
If we lose the bet
we'll deduct the sum from your invoice.
But when he refuses to cooperate…
No, you claim your method works.
This is your chance to prove it.
Well, we can always give him a discount.
No discount. Passion!
Problems in our partnership
almost always stem
from a lack of intimacy.
One partner starts drifting apart,
the other tries to get closer.
But if there is no response,
eventually they just give up.
That's how it is. So let's start
to get back to each other now.
Nice and slow,
inch by inch.
Within one week you'll experience
a huge transformation.
Let's do this.
When we're separated physically
our energetic fields
cease to communicate
and eventually our emotional
fields drift apart as well.
-Right, Mr. Zounar? Logically.
-That's true.
-Suck it in.
-The one joint emotion is gone
and we're left with two emotions
which eventually separate us
on a partnership level, too.
That's right. That's right.
Take a deep look
into your partner's eyes.
Right.
Now slowly embrace each other.
You're starting to produce oxytocin,
a hormone of love.
Breastfeeding mothers are the top
producers, closely followed by lovers.
And us, if we give it
a bit of good practice,
we can go back to this stage.
Now. Let's slowly tighten the embrace.
Nice, isn't it?
Would a sack of cement give you
the same experience, Mr. Zounar?
Okay. Shh.
And now whisper to your partner
your biggest secret.
-Like how much I bet on Bayern?
-You bet on Bayern?
-The secret. Let it out.
-I don't know. I don't think I have any.
Nonsense. Have you ever loved
anybody more than you love me?
-Come on…
-I mean had you? Before we met.
I don't think so.
And what is your secret?
-I'm really craving you now.
-Me, too.
I'm really… craving.
Hang on, this is just a steam room.
Let's go to the Finnish sauna.
Fine. Go, boys. We'll stay here.
Helena? Where are you going?
-Helena? Steam is good for your skin.
-And we'll go to the Finnish one.
Jesus, okay. I'll stay here with you
if you're so stubborn.
Come to the Finnish sauna, man.
You don't need glowing skin.
Igor, we didn't come here together
to spend our time separately.
What a loser.
My man prefers staring
into the darkness at 100 degrees
than enjoying time spent with me.
That idiot resists positive emotions.
-Exactly.
-It might work for him.
Can you think of anything
about this that might work for him?
I know this little belly button.
Stop it.
-Do you want me to?
-No way.
I said no!
Why don't you want it?
Me?
-You don't want it.
-I don't want it?
Nonsense, I've been
longing for you since we arrived.
Sure you have.
You're both here to learn
The Art of Passion, aren't you?
Bedrich?
Please, come with me. I need you.
-Don't you need me?
-I really need a friend now.
-Go.
-Wait. Who taught you this nice massage?
Helena's beautician.
She's such an amazing woman.
It's all about circular motions.
Moving from the side
of the trunk towards the heart.
You go to a beautician together?
Sure. If we do this all day…
…we'll have nothing to talk about.
She was lying right over there.
A perfect stomach, flat as that bench.
Perfectly shaped legs.
It's the jogging, you know? Monika.
I'd just…
Man, I'd just do anything
in this 100 degrees. I mean…
It's just the testosterone. Forget it.
This is the 21st century.
What does the century have to do with it?
Igor, testosterone is a bastard.
It's turned us into primitives.
Idiots throughout all of evolution.
-But finally it's over and done with.
-Not mine, it isn't.
-I want to stay primitive.
-Or you can learn to direct it.
If you direct it at your Lucie
instead of at that jogger girl then…
-I direct it at Lucie.
-That's great.
I mean I direct it at Lucie
but my testosterone directs at the jogger.
I told you testosterone is a bastard.
But you can do it. I trust you.
It's the jogger I worry about.
Can she do it to me?
Mr. Rittner?
Our guru in the wild.
Thanks, Miki.
Careful, doctor.
The whole forest is one unceasing vice.
All right. Hey, girls.
Thanks for the ride.
Perhaps doves might pass.
Well, more like scrape through.
But the rest?
A proper hothouse of vice.
Good thing we people
can control our instincts
and tell good from evil, right?
Don't you find it weird
that nature works in the opposite manner
of what you teach in your courses?
The thing is that erotic attraction
consists in uncertainty.
When a female is escaping, it works.
And if she wants to be appealing,
she keeps getting further from the male
rather than closer.
A primitive instinct. Is it admirable?
Not sure if it's admirable
but it's natural.
I'd rather know what you meant
by that thing with Zounar.
-Deducting it from my salary?
-Exactly.
Once you offer services
you must also offer a guarantee.
-Hello.
-Hi.
Hi.
Focus on the game, okay?
Let's try this exercise.
Tee off one ball after another.
Each of them the same way.
Straighten your back. Head down.
Straighten your elbow. Next one.
Great. You're amazing.
Straighten your back.
You're doing wonderful, my love.
Head down. Straight back. The elbow.
Straight back. Awesome.
Don't slouch!
Great job, my love.
To think you never actually liked golf.
You're becoming an expert.
Whether you want to or not.
Yes, a gift voucher.
And how can I help you?
Can you put me in?
The Art of Passion. A gift voucher.
Mr. Novotný Tibor.
You are here with your wife.
Yes, it's my gift to her.
To make amends.
RECEPTION
But you've already been staying here
since Saturday.
Already?
We put you up in room 204.
Right now you are having
a lesson on tight embrace.
The winners
of the most passionate couple contest here
would be Mr. and Mrs. Novotný.
No, I praise you. I praise you.
Three minutes, five times a day,
and the emotional bond will renew.
Dear friends,
one of the partners may forget something,
so the other one wants to remind them.
And for that occasion
you can purchase bells of love
at the reception desk.
We call them "reminders".
So you can simply and easily
ring it for each other.
My husband's here.
So let's do this. Come on.
Tighter, tighter, tighter.
Let's wring the oxytocin out. Yes.
Let's wring it all out. Come on.
Wonderful, my love.
Squeeze some more. Go for it.
Four more minutes, peeps. Remember:
One minute of tight embrace
equals six months of therapy.
Come on. Don't let go.
Right, right.
Don't let go! That's right!
Helena, your hug is perfectly tight.
Zounars, I can see you.
There's no true love
without a tight embrace. See?
Even the Prušas have caught up.
Five more seconds and we're done.
Keep breathing. Hold tight, hold tight!
Show me your strength. Three,
two, one! Good.
Bedrich, man. What's wrong?
-Wake up!
-Mr. Bedrich, breathe. Brea…
-Bedrich, wake the fuck up.
-I can't feel a pulse.
-Somebody should help him.
-An accident in the resort.
We need an ambulance.
A male, 40 years, unconscious.
-Bedrich…
-Collapse, heart attack or… stress?
Building C.
Someone will meet you in the driveway.
-Are you sure his heart was okay?
-Yes.
Epilepsy? Diabetes?
-Not that I know of.
-Did he take pills? Was he acting weird?
Bedrich? No.
-How exactly did this happen?
-At a couples therapy.
Excuse me?
-I'll come with you.
-He'll be in an induced coma
-until they find out what's wrong.
-I don't mind.
And there it is.
Right?
-What are you doing here anyway?
-I thought we'd reconcile here.
On a trip to the Czech Republic.
Learning The Art of Passion.
Well, it's too late now.
-Just two days late.
-Three months, dear Tibor.
Three months?
Did you notice I moved away on Christmas?
Did you?
I've filed for divorce.
You must have gotten the letter.
That's why I bought the voucher.
For The Art of Passion.
To bring passion back into our life.
-We have a lot to talk about.
-Like what?
About us moving away from Bratislava.
Well, I have moved already.
To stay with Karel.
-You mean the one who… there…
-Yes. That's Karol.
I mean Karel.
A Czech?
-Couldn't you at least pick a…
-Tibor, dear. You should go home.
Okay? And thank you so much
for the voucher. You're a darling.
Come on. Bye-bye.
This is my dear Tibor.
-Excuse me, what time is my bus?
-Half an hour ago.
-And the next one?
-In the morning.
Why don't you stay here with us?
Yes, you can do the embracing
instead of Bedrich. Or me.
I mean if you're not afraid.
I'm not afraid. Would you want to?
Sure.
Perhaps you might start
fearing for your wife, Mr. Zounar.
You know how it is, Mrs. Prušová.
He who ploughs my field
spares my plough.
To Bedrich.
To the perfectest of us all.
Good thing he didn't collapse
somewhere in the woods alone.
-He would never go to the woods alone.
-Why?
Hela would be there with him.
She's quite petite.
Plus, if she wanted to strangle him
she'd do it at home, not in public.
They say there was
some hugging involved.
The question is
where a hug ends and a murder starts.
If she really had strangled him
wouldn't he have fallen unconscious?
But then he should jump back up
real quick, like in martial arts.
Yeah, but sometimes--
Do you know what vagal death is?
A pressure stimulates
receptors on an artery.
The carotid sinus.
It can lead to heart failure,
or an extreme drop of blood pressure
and a sufferer can go into a deep coma.
It can occur during sex practice.
We get that here a lot.
Really?
But the lady would have
had to press really hard.
You mean intentionally.
This lady?
-Jesus, let's do something more useful.
-And it's hard to find the right spots.
This lady would have to know.
I must dash to the kindergarten.
All other kids should be gone by now.
Sorry I called. It's just that
the finding on the neck,
-it seemed to me like a-
-Strangling.
Come on, the kindergarten's waiting.
How is he doing?
Mr. Novotný is going to show me
a sky lantern. Come with us.
-It's very romantic.
-I'm going to lie down.
What a pity.
Now that you have a free evening.
We'll make a wish for you then.
What is your wish this year, my love?
I wish not to set the woods on fire.
Let's wish for a hundred years together.
What if I wish for something else?
No. An eternal embrace.
That would be wonderful.
Shall we?
We'll convict her and leave.
CSI Hradec, Lieutenant Vrabec.
Mikšíková Patrika,
hot and sweet like paprika.
Excuse me?
Our boss says we should
create a positive vibe around here
-so I said a funny.
-A funny? What was the punch line?
Patrika, Paprika.
Because you're Vrabec - Hradec.
-It was a rhyme, not a joke.
-Yes. That's why I rhymed
so together it makes a joke.
-You must park your car elsewhere.
-We're here to investigate.
My colleague is solving the embrace case.
-The strangling.
-The Art of Passion.
-Passion?
-Yes.
An embrace makes our passion stronger.
And the results are pretty clear here.
What is clear?
My colleague means that passion
can lead to serious crimes.
So why should we follow that?
I don't know. I… don't know.
Our boss says I shouldn't think
about things like that.
But you really need
to move the car. It's a rule.
Would you like a room together?
The Romance Suite is vacant now.
Well. We prefer an ordinary office.
Why?
Or should we summon
your guests to our station?
I don't understand.
-The hands around his neck were yours.
-Why on earth would I do that?
Mrs. Dudová, have you ever
undergone treatment?
-Any mental treatment?
-I used to go to therapy. I still do.
-And the reason?
-My husband's wish.
-Why?
-To improve my feelings for him.
-And who has been treating you?
-Dr. Cuddle.
But he's not a doctor.
Not even a psychologist.
-I know. We call him doctor.
-An electrician who teaches coaching.
At a 10-day course.
-That's what it says here.
-He knows us.
-And I have to be grateful to him.
-You have to?
I have to.
Have you ever practiced any martial arts?
-What?
-Judo, karate, or MMA?
-Cage fighting?
-No.
You must have learned it somewhere.
How exactly did you hug your husband?
-I can show you.
-No, thanks. That-- No need really.
Where were your hands during the embrace?
How can I show you
when he's afraid of me?
I'm not afraid of you.
Mr. Vrabec, his collapse…
Couldn't the blood just move
from his head elsewhere?
Sit down.
Excuse me.
What do you mean
the roof insulation is soaking wet?
You just fixed it recently.
No running hot water
so there goes a new boiler.
-8,230 crowns…
-Thank you.
4,000…
Your lunch. Your fish.
Would you like some wine?
You wouldn't.
Stains on the ceiling, so a new hydra--
-I really don't have time for this.
-Let's not waste it here. Go home,
get a new boiler,
bathe your kids and that's that.
If this was an attempted murder,
which it was, we need evidence.
Do you really need to arrest
someone literally every time?
I get it, I get it. Yes, it's our job.
-Job…
-What?
Nothing. All's fine.
We all get off on something.
I wanted fish?
M.A. Benešová?
Judging by the address, you live
with the Dudas in one house.
-Did you come here together?
-Yes. We live on the ground floor
and they have a loft. Bedrich--
I mean Mr. Duda
gave us the voucher for Christmas.
-We could never afford this.
-Did the Dudas ever fight?
Wait, you mean they were fighting
and as a result she…
So did they fight?
Never.
Everyone fights at home sometimes.
True.
But they didn't.
-You mean they were perfect?
-Perfect? What an understatement.
I've never seen such a happy couple.
-And didn't you find it suspicious?
-No. No.
You all came here
with an issue to resolve, right?
Well, I have no issues to resolve at all.
Because you've solved it
by exchange. Piece for piece. Right?
Well, yes.
You're actually right. So what?
Either you suffer endlessly,
trying to save the relationship,
or you start from scratch.
Something better. With someone else.
-What issue were the Dudas dealing with?
-I don't know.
Maybe they just desired a
desire.
Desired a desire?
-Pretty absurd, huh?
-Why do you think so?
Detective, you look like
a person of sound mind.
Can you theoretically desire
something you already have?
-You did your military service, right?
-Yes.
Imagine soldiers besieging a position.
They fight, they win,
it's theirs. Obviously.
And the next day a commander comes
and tells them to besiege it again.
But they need to desire it.
The very same position.
-Why the fuck would they do that?
-That's true.
Perhaps to prevent the position
from being occupied by someone else.
You were never in the service, were you?
All you need to do is keep
the position under control. Am I right?
By the way…
Where is your wife?
She's not answering our calls.
You have such soft hands.
You must be very sensitive.
Well, not really.
If I took the nasty things
my husband says to heart
I'd have gone mad by now.
So you're steeled against it?
Yeah. I'm kind of a tank.
He keeps bombarding me
and it doesn't affect me.
Except for scratches on my armor.
You must tell me everything about it.
We speak different languages
and yet we get each other so much.
Darling?
I think the Cuddle method
is downright bullshit.
-I've been saying it all along.
-See?
Finally we're starting
to get each other.
That girl has no motive.
And she keeps repeating the same thing.
They were lovebirds, sweethearts.
And don't you find it weird?
Mrs. Dudová could have strangled him
at home. Much less risky.
But what if she actually wanted
everyone to see?
That Cuddle guy,
or their admiring neighbor?
Nonsense. We'll write a report
that the lucky man collapsed
in his wife's arms, you'll go home
-and deal with your roof. Okay?
-No.
We have no motive.
For now. Try Patrika Paprika.
-That woman is a goof.
-Then you might get along.
Here our clients can enjoy
the magic of a massage for two.
-What is it good for?
-Experiencing the delight together.
One massage for each at the same time.
-What if each wants a different one?
-Well, then,
they would experience
the feeling of release separately.
-And that's wrong, says Cuddle.
-Yes, Cuddle. Patrika?
-You must have your own opinions.
-On what?
On the circus here.
On relationships. On marriage.
Mr. Rittner says that
I should not have any opinions
on marriage as it's too complicated.
I don't know
why there is such a thing at all.
-It brings nothing but troubles.
-Children.
Children?
There must be some other way.
By means of a deal or something…
-What is this?
-A bath for two.
We place petals in there beforehand.
A five-kilo pack costs 62 crowns.
-Romance can bring a bargain too.
-Yes.
The price includes music,
prosecco and olives. Four olives.
A relationship is hard work.
Yes.
-Did the Dudas come here?
-Of course.
Cuddle prepared a schedule for them.
First year twice a day, then just once.
It's a wonder they didn't get soggy.
No, they didn't.
-But Helena caught a rash.
-From the potion? Makes sense.
Bedrich said
it must have been one of the herbs
but we changed the herbs often
and Helena actually broke out in a rash…
…every time…
Every time Bedrich was in there.
When will you wake him up from the coma?
First we need to find out
what actually happened.
A few more tests must be done.
We might wake him up tomorrow.
Will he be okay?
I think so.
We haven't actually found
any problems whatsoever just yet.
I'll be in touch.
Fine. Thank you.
-What?
-What's wrong?
I got her into a mess for nothing.
And yet all she did was try really hard.
Helena!
Anything new?
Is he still in the coma?
Those cops, what an arrogant bunch.
They asked us if you were fighting here.
That's true. And they asked us
if you were fighting at home.
-What did you tell them?
-That they weren't. Unlike us, right?
Because unlike us, Helena and Bedrich
do everything together, you know?
They cook, they go shopping, jogging.
Bedrich even accompanies Helena
to her gynecologist, right?
-He's worried about my health.
-To a gynecologist?
Yeah. To the dentist too.
When Helena and her colleagues
go for coffee, he joins them
and he is there with her.
See, he really cares about her.
-And you think that's normal?
-Wait, Igor and I live together
and I see no reason why we shouldn't
know everything about each other.
Your mobile is password-protected
as if you were a CIA agent.
-Bedrich reads all his texts to Helena.
-Do you read yours to him, too?
Either that, or he reads them
himself in the evening.
-He opens and checks your phone?
-So he doesn't need to be jealous.
They even have a joint email.
Dudas@something something. Right?
And they know all their passwords.
I mean it's so lovely.
If one of us forgets,
the other might know.
So you chat with your friends
and then he gets to read it?
Helena doesn't need friends.
-Bedrich prefers us to be together.
-Shit, Helena.
If I were you I'd kill him.
What an interesting remark, Mr. Zounar.
I guess I fucked up a bit.
-It never occurred to me that…
-Let's just say no comment from now on.
But he really is an asshole.
One minute.
-What about Paprika?
-Good.
Good?
Duda gave Helena Dudová a rash.
That poor woman had
quite a few reasons to kill him.
-Have you finally found compassion?
-No. A motive.
Now we just need a witness.
Do you know what I hate about us cops?
-The total lack of humanity.
-See?
And that's what I find relaxing.
Right.
Yesterday I was told
Mrs. Dudová had no privacy whatsoever.
She says she didn't mind but I hear
she told you something different.
I know nothing about that.
Were you in a sauna together?
I know which tram he takes to work,
where he buys his snacks,
if it's a ham or cheese bun,
how many times his PC crashes,
what newspaper he reads,
how many times he goes to the bathroom.
If it's diarrhea, constipation,
or if the poo-pe-doo is okay…
He just loves you, you know?
-A poo-pe-doo?
-It's what he bases our menu on.
-In an Excel tab.
-A menu? Like in a school cafeteria?
Yeah. Except we do it on the weekends too.
Mrs. Zounarová described
the situation in detail for us.
The sauna! I totally forgot.
We heard that Helena found
her marriage quite constricting.
Not at all. On the contrary.
She was thrilled
that they were so closely bonded.
Was she?
-You were discussing a menu…
-I must suggest it to Pruša.
He'll be excited about the idea
of us having the same
poo-pe-doos.
While your wife was in the steam room
you went into the Finnish sauna.
-I don't know. I really can't remember.
-Mr. Zounar!
At least you might tell us the truth.
There are security cameras everywhere.
Has it never occurred to you that
Helena might want a moment to herself?
Why?
Come on, she must be taking pills
to be able to tolerate you.
What? She takes pills for her allergies.
An allergy to you, Bedrich. Sorry.
Come on, that's bullshit.
There would have to be signs.
Like what?
Like in bed.
-We're great in bed together.
-Really?
Yeah.
Well, all right then.
So you want me to tell you
what men talk about in the sauna?
-Is that allowed?
-Is there a problem?
You'd respect a confessional, right?
And the same goes for a sauna.
It's true.
-Excuse me.
-Sure, no problem.
What? A vapor barrier now?
What is a vapor barrier?
Why take down the whole ceiling
if it molds only in the kids' room?
No, I don't understand it!
-What is a vapor barrier?
-He's a builder.
Give it to me.
Zounar speaking. Hi. Tell me
what went wrong there. Be specific.
Right. What size?
Jutalex, or Dektafol?
Hang on, mate. How did you glue it?
Straight to waterproofing? Fuck me.
Take a picture and send it
to the email I'll give you now.
-Remember Dudová hugging me?
-Unforgettable.
She touched my arteries.
Because she's as tall as me.
Bedrich Duda, 6'4".
She could never reach that high.
She could touch his neck
but not wrap her arm around it.
That was a cool and calm talk.
Tell your husband to rough those guys up.
Her husband left to learn
The Art of Passion elsewhere.
If you get me out of this boot camp,
I'll gladly beat them up myself.
I'll consider your proposal.
Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
If everybody is in position
we can start. Shall we?
Now, give each other a nice slow hug.
Go as far as you're comfortable.
-Wait…
-Is there a problem?
No, it's fine.
I'm a bit more cautious now.
Go gently so no one else is choked.
-Do you want to hug?
-Sure. Come on.
You seem to be hanging on him.
Could you hug him normally?
Like everyone else here?
Right. Now put your fingers
on his carotid arteries.
I don't know where carotid arteries are.
We marked them for you.
That's where you husband was bruised.
Try to help her out somehow.
But if he collapses
they'll both fall down, right?
Put her down.
And what if you bend your knees?
Try it now.
-This is nonsense, isn't it?
-It is, yeah.
We're done here.
The mechanism is not in accordance
with physical abilities of the suspect.
I've never seen you leave
without arresting someone.
Get used to it.
-What about us?
-When you decide to murder each other,
bury yourselves up in the hills
so nobody can find you. Bye.
And what about the colored bricks?
They go under your feet.
-What bricks?
-The couples can use yoga blocks.
If they're of different heights.
These blocks?
Who of you used these yoga blocks?
How about you, Mrs. Dudová?
Did you have one under your feet?
No.
Did Mrs. Dudová have
this thing under her feet?
She didn't.
Mrs. Novotná?
No.
-Mrs. Zounarová?
-No, she didn't.
Mrs. Zounarová?
Yeah, she's smaller.
I guess she did.
Come on.
When you're ready.
Let me ask you again, Mrs. Dudová.
Did you have the bricks under your feet?
-Sometimes I did. That time I didn't.
-And why is that?
It took a really long time.
I don't know. Five minutes at least.
-My arms were really hurting.
-Two minutes. Max. Even less.
Seven minutes, 15 seconds.
A new record.
An average time of embrace
in the past three years has been 4:52.
Patrika, do you have the records?
That lady was recording
everything on video.
Oh, come on…
Hand it to me, please.
Password?
Password.
What is your password?
Can you please say it to me?
Well…
-I don't know.
-You don't know?
I-- I would often change it.
Patrika?
You're lying now, aren't you?
-Well…
-So what is your password?
I don't know.
You yourself say you're lying.
-Yeah.
-So tell me.
I won't.
Alice!
-What was that supposed to mean?
-I'm no parrot repeating your words.
Why did they lie
about her using the bricks?
So they could feel like partisans.
Tibor, would you like
to go for a walk with me?
-What are you doing?
-Nothing. Sparing your plough.
I guess I'm going to prison.
At least I'll have privacy there.
Will I get my own cell?
Not very likely. But at least
no one will be touching me.
I told Bedrich we can live
a normal life together
I let him accompany me everywhere
but no constant hugging or deep stares.
How the hell can I desire something
that keeps hanging around my neck?
And wants sex, right?
These cuddly types, that is…
Hello.
-May I?
-Sure.
Helena?
Hello.
I'm sorry.
Isn't it time for the embrace thing?
Suddenly you feel like going?
Here we go again.
Once again I have to beg.
I just need you to at least
sometimes want me. Do you get it?
-Am I doing something wrong?
-No, it's me. Maybe you push too hard.
You keep pushing me away,
it's so damn humiliating!
I'm fucking trying!
I understand your disappointment,
Bedrich, but I'm not surprised really.
Helena keeps resisting.
But she'll learn it. The passion.
She has to.
Right, Helena? There's no other way.
I don't know.
We've been coming here for years
-and it just keeps getting worse.
-There is anger in you, Helena.
You should hug Bedrich.
Hold on a little longer.
Once she burst into tears during sex.
Well, she shows emotions. That's good.
She even fell asleep the other time.
Well.
She's exhausted but it will get better.
-Can we skip this lesson?
-You can do this--
Just this once.
No.
-I promise tomorrow--
-Helena, today. Give it your all.
Hold real tight and things will
get better, you'll see.
Half an hour later it happened.
You just showed your emotions
the way Cuddle hadn't expected.
-Oops, a mistake.
-Yes. You should've strangled Cuddle.
Or both of them, ideally.
Bedrich has just woken up from the coma.
Well, then… Yay.
-Mr. Rittner, lives are at stake here.
-Who would have thought?
Do something. Your Patrika has proof
of Dudová deliberately strangling Duda.
-I know. She called me.
-Only you have her under control.
The same mistake over and over.
No one can have anyone under control.
And you can't see it
due to your tight holdings.
-Tight embrace. Holding is in hockey.
-Two minutes penalty in the sin bin.
If Patrika gives you the password,
the cops will arrest Dudová,
the case is closed and we're cool.
Wow, look at them.
The passion thing does work here.
Despite your methods.
Zounar must admit it. We made a bet.
-Listen. Dudová is going hard against us.
-Against you.
If you say so. But a resort
where people murder each other,
I'm not sure who'll want to visit.
Nothing here either.
Look, a prize. You can win
three epilators. Here you go.
"Science". A five-minute piece of cake.
See? You can win a calendar
with photos of prize-winning cattle.
Never mind.
"Trivia of Nobel Prize Winners".
Look, a mistake. As always.
-A Japanese pearl diver?
-Ama.
Ata, you ama.
A demonstrative pronoun? Let's race.
You've already had yours!
Can you tell them apart? Genius.
Not all of them.
I mean you. You're a genius.
Oh?
Could we have a chat some time?
An interrogation?
Okay. What time?
No, just a normal chat.
-A human chat.
-I get it. You want the password.
Yes.
Yes. Where shall I meet you?
Could I invite you to dinner?
Dinner.
We have staff meals in the kitchen.
For 45 crowns.
-Today we have lentils.
-Well, lentils, that's really…
I mean, lentils!
45 crowns, what a bargain.
-Right?
-Yep.
It is a real bargain. At 6:20?
-In the lobby?
-Why not?
Just one.
Not there.
Over there, these have already eaten.
Are we leaving already?
-Isn't it a shame?
-No, it's not.
-Why don't we feed them over there?
-No, it's frozen there.
The investigation is over.
Bedrich is fine.
It's still an attempted murder.
But he can tell them the truth.
That you didn't hurt him.
Lucie…
He doesn't remember the last ten minutes
at all. They say it's pretty common.
I see.
Did I upset you by saying
that the lady had recorded the videos?
Sorry, I should have denied it too.
But I envied you.
-I know.
-The way you look, dress,
the way you laugh,
the fact that you're well off.
And Bedrich adores you.
Didn't you wonder about
all those pills you'd brought me?
For depression, anxiety, allergies?
While you never needed any of these?
-You think my life is easy?
-But you can breathe.
-Too much. Igor is never around.
-Yay!
-He stares at everything. Bikes, chicks.
-Other than that?
Well, other than that…
Otherwise he's pretty good.
-He's funny, quite reliable…
-See? There you go.
But you married the full package.
If he wasn't staring,
he wouldn't be funny, reliable.
He would be a different person.
He wouldn't be Igor anymore.
-He would be…
-Bedrich.
-And you'd be an accused murderer.
-Yes. Let's drink to that.
Grab one, ladies. It's free of charge.
Tomorrow morning I'll win a bet.
No passion has been learned here.
-On the rocks or straight up?
-Straight up.
Well, straight then.
It feels nice being with you here,
Patrika. Just so you know.
Really?
We rebuilt this place two years ago.
I mean being with you, personally.
It feels nice.
I see.
But you don't want to have
a relationship with me, do you?
-A relationship?
-A relationship.
Because I see a lot of them here.
Relationships.
And I want no such thing. At all.
When people are together
just out of duty, they are…
They are a lot meaner to each other.
I get it. It's okay.
No relationship.
Okay? Because I'd rather-- Thanks.
Because I'd rather keep being
me.
Fine.
-I'll keep being me too.
-Good. Because Cuddle claims
that there should be "we" instead.
Which is obviously impossible
because we don't want to be "we".
-We will be two "me's".
-Yes. Together without a relationship.
-We could do that.
-We could do that.
Obviously, we can still have sex.
It's totally fine.
I'm staying at the upper building.
Room 507, at the very end of the hall.
What time are you coming, babe?
Did you just call me babe?
That's what people call each other
before or after they go into a room
and spend more than an hour there.
My observation.
Huh.
But for now we can't call each other
babe nor have an intimate… thing.
Unfortunately, I'm here on duty.
-Is that a rule?
-Yes.
A rule?
And are you allowed
to eat lentils on duty?
I am.
-Especially when it's 40 crowns.
-45.
Very good, Patrika.
No, honey. I'm coming tomorrow.
You must ride it out at Grandma's.
Kiss-kiss. Bye. Right. Kiss-kiss.
May I keep you company for a while?
How come you didn't order
room service, Mr. Rittner?
Isn't it more pleasant to have dinner
with a beautiful and smart woman
while being served
by a just as beautiful and smart woman?
-I'd swap places with you immediately.
-Then you'd be served by an old grump.
-Who are you talking about, Mr. Rittner?
-When it's time for bonuses, call me.
We never get bonuses here.
Everybody wants my investigation
to fail. Are you here to twist my arm?
-Exactly.
-Go for it, then.
People who come here are adults.
Do you agree?
They know when climbing a rock that
one might fall. This is the same thing.
Either they can live a normal life,
look after kids, a household, travel.
Or do stupid things like tight embrace.
-Which might end up badly too.
-Says the one who benefits from it.
Can you blame a car dealer
for accidents? A tobacconist for cancer?
-Even a pack of cigarettes has a warning.
-So we'll put up a photo of Mr. Duda
lying in the ICU with a warning sign,
"Passion can damage your health"?
Passion is a fetish. Thank God
my age made me get rid of it.
Now I can peacefully read books.
Right, Aneta dear?
Yes, Mr. Rittner.
And I thought men always enjoyed it.
The hunt, the excitement, the hormones.
You think?
Imagine you have hormones
and social conventions prevent you from
using them for most part of your life.
-Why do you sell passion, then?
-Honestly? A gap in the market.
-Very cynical.
-I give jobs to 56 employees
who wouldn't get one anywhere else.
I tend a forest, five ponds,
a hectare of wetland.
If desperate
love-seekers want to finance it
it's their choice.
What's your offer?
Mr. Bedrich seems to be out of the woods
but I'm firing Cuddle anyway,
canceling the Passion thing,
-and you leave the lady alone.
-Who will finance your wetland?
I'll work it out.
It will make me happier, though.
And if you let Helena go,
you'll be happier too.
-If anything should make me happy--
-It would be arresting someone, I know.
-I can't help it.
-You have no evidence whatsoever.
And Patrika will never give you
the password. She's an insistent lady.
Her tablet can be easily unlocked.
We're just waiting for permissions.
Why don't we drink to that?
Sorry, let me just grab that.
You know we're leaving tomorrow
so you're seducing me, right?
Seducing you?
You're not.
First of all we should
discuss this thing properly.
What we expect from each other,
how to go on in the relationship
and stuff like that. You know?
I don't want to discuss that stuff now.
Well, we should.
We should harmonize our emotions.
Have you read
Cuddle's Handbook of Sharing Emotions?
Trust me, you don't want to share
my emotions with me now, Tibor.
-So I suggest we talk about it openly.
-Talk openly? Fine!
For once, all I wanted
was to feel like I am being
hit on by a real man.
-Alice!
-I wouldn't sleep with you anyway.
But to feel someone try,
that I really needed today!
Alice! But that's what
we need to talk about!
Girls, let's have another round.
At Mr. Rittner's expense.
Please, just tell me.
What do you want from me?
Do you want me
to be a saber-toothed tiger?
To tear your bathrobe with my teeth?
A saber-toothed tiger?
My ex-husband? Really?
Fine, go for it,
you saber-toothed tiger.
But you're giving consent
to what I'm about to do, right?
Yeah.
Mr. Zounar, it looks like someone
is besieging your position.
Don't mess it up again, you poor thing.
You wish there was some babysitter
to take care of him for you, right?
There's a knot or something.
You got it all tangled up.
Stop touching me, you pig!
No way, you maniac!
You wanted some carnal love
and I complied with your requirements.
-Oh, you "complied the requirements"!
-Alice!
What requirements?
I am offering you
an enduring relationship.
That sickly impotent fucking Slovak.
I'll fucking show you carnal stuff!
Ladies, do you think
this might be considered
a real display of passion?
-Definitely.
-Right?
-Alice!
-Oh, Jesus.
So he doesn't catch a cold
for you to take care of.
That didn't work out, did it?
Oh, well. What a shame.
Here is a tip for you.
And Mr. Zounar will be paying the bill.
Ali, please. Don't leave.
Please, don't leave now! Ali…
By credit card, okay?
Hang on, Dáša.
Mr. Zounar and I have a deal.
So let me ask you: What about
the passion? Have you learned it?
You know what, Mr. Moss?
-Kiss my fucking ass, okay?
-It looks like the client is happy
and wishes to pay for his stay.
Well, we'll probably
see each other next time, my friend?
How did it go for you here
passion-wise, Mrs. Benešová?
Well, my husband turned into
a passionate… jogger.
See? Passion, desire.
It all works out here.
No, I can't now. I'm working.
What? You can't be serious. I…
I can't live without a roof. I mean--
My kids will get wet!
You idiot, how can she live with
half a roof? Her kids will get wet!
Sit on your hands and wait for me.
We'll sort it out together.
I can't wait either. Good.
In a single lady's household they think
they can get away with anything.
It'll be okay, don't worry. Right.
And I'd better go.
I don't need to be a part of this.
He was abusing her!
And she's going to get arrested?
-Helena should have gotten divorced.
-Divorced? Him?
A psychopath coached
by another psychopath?
-Excuse me?
-Shut the fuck up, Cuddly.
Why would the poor lady come here?
Let me answer that one.
I was here during Helena's first visit.
She wanted to go to Croatia to do yoga
with her friend but Bedrich got upset.
Cuddle obviously stood up for Bedrich
and that was the end of her solo trips.
Cuddle used the Dudas as experiment.
Yes. His method has been banned
in many countries for ten years.
Even longer when used with kids.
This method has caused many accidents.
-More knowledge from crosswords?
-But as for the accidents,
we've had them here too.
Nineteen in total.
Including Mrs. Janecková.
-Wait, she collapsed in a park.
-On her way from this doctor's lesson.
He's not a doctor!
What about the others, Patrika?
Mrs. Štroblová, broken ribs. Her husb…
Her man fell into a trance during the hug
so he squeezed her a bit too hard.
-Wait, a trance? Come on…
-Quiet!
What else?
That year just three breakdowns.
What made those three people break down?
Mostly one of the partners
enjoys the embrace
but the other one doesn't.
If it's by order. My observation.
An autistic lady is giving us
a lecture about relationships. Cool.
Insult her again and I'm whacking you.
Go on, Patrika.
That was all that year.
Aside from the Havlíks.
We should count them too.
-But that happened in their home!
-Yes.
They were discussing their stay,
Mrs. Havlíková threw a knife at him,
Mr. Havlík tugged a rug from under
her feet and she hit a sink.
I have a copy of the protocol in…
And contacts for the people?
Mrs. Havlíková died,
Mr. Havlík is in prison
but I have contacts
for all the other people too.
-In my tablet.
-To which we still need the password.
It's such a shame, Patrika.
That would be a real game-changer.
I can try and discuss it
with witness Mikšíková once more.
Follow me, witness.
Hang on, you can't trust
some autistic bitch.
Monika told you
not to call Patrika such names.
-Thank you.
-The hospital is calling.
Mr. Duda has just been released.
Our star client has survived.
Hooray!
Pity you two won't have a chance
to talk it over, Mr. Cuddle.
-Are you sure you don't want him?
-I don't.
-I get it but I had to ask.
-Good old Zounar. Mum's the word!
Take care. I wish you all the best.
So what now, Tibor dear?
Get in the car, darling.
And don't drop crumbs.
Sorry, Tibor.
I guess I'd strangle you too.
Bye-bye.
Ali? I packed some breakfast cookies
for you. And some sparkling water.
And we'll stop by the detective's place
to check on her roof.
-That route is much nicer anyway.
-Sure, you romantic soul of mine.
Great, it's a deal.
See you at my yoga class in November.
Good. Can't wait.
-I want to go to yoga, too.
-Buzz off.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Your stay here is free of charge.
Mr. Rittner said so.
Just sign the restaurant bill for me.
Here at the bottom.
Just check if it's okay.
Two staff meals?
The lentils, sure, but broccoli gratin?
We're serving the broccoli today.
Today you'll be off duty.
Unlike yesterday. So I thought…
That's true.
I'll sign you up, then.
Well, I'll go say goodbye
to Mr. Rittner and I'll be on my way.
Alone, right?
Sorry, you were saying?
You two go have more staff meals,
end that war. This time for real.
It's a funny!
A funny? What was the punch line?
Don't develop relationships,
enjoy the broccoli.
How about Patrika's tablet, detective?
Nineteen accidents, perfectly described.
Whether it was intent or negligence,
Mr. Cuddle is in big trouble.
So are you happy now?
If people here hadn't been lying
I could have been happy long ago.
Boo!
-Shit.
-I'm back, my love.
After a good sleep, fit as a fiddle.
We're together again, my love.
Things can go back to normal.
Yay.
-Helena!
-Just no more hugs, please. No hugs.
-Why the hell not?
-We're advocating a new concept.
We're offering our guests some distance.
-Nonsense. Where is Dr. Cuddle?
-We got him. And I'm leaving.
Detective, well…
It's been a pleasure.
This is the first time I met
someone pleased by CSI but…
it sounds nice.
Could you give me a lift?
Gladly.
But I'm perfectly capable of driving.
That's good, Bedrich.
Drive carefully, then.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Helena, wait!
Where do you think you're going?
Do you understand this?
We go everywhere together.
Give it some time.
It's just that the tablet--
Did you say you'd never practiced
any martial arts?
Not even a few lessons?
-Say, on November 3rd?
-One more time, okay?
My left hand grabs the attacker's arm,
my right hand tilts his head back
so he loses his orientation.
I slide down his neck and step back,
and turn him towards me. Girls,
you need to squeeze the neck hard.
He'll fall asleep whether he wants to,
or not. Let's get into pairs now.
Cuddle, it's me. Helena is
at a self-defense course with Monika.
-It is called "sealing the breath".
-No, just her. It's not my thing.
The brain not only loses oxygen,
the whole circulation collapses.
Don't worry, no loosening.
I've got it under control.
Just mind the neck. It's dangerous.
That could end up really badly.
Doctor, don't distress me.
You know if she left it'd kill me.
Very good, Helena.
Come on. Don't be scared.
I'm going home.
Zounar is waiting on me there.
Now close your eyes for a while…
THE ART OF PASSION
…take your partner's hand
and tune in to your mutual energy field.
Can you feel the energy?
Passing from one into the other?
There were times when you
couldn't get enough of each other.
You'd dream about each other,
you'd make love
and then it all seems to get lost.
The passion disappears.
And we're here to bring it
back into your relationship.
Are you in? Excellent.
Right.
And now remember something nice
you experienced together
when you were really close.
Those of you who have remembered,
gently squeeze your partner by the hand.
Wonderful.
Think of the scents you smelled,
the sounds you heard back then.
-It's beautiful, isn't it?
-Helena?
And now the memories pop up
one after another, don't they?
Helena, can you feel anything?
Grant your partner enough time.
Jesus Christ, Helena.
Helena, you can't fall asleep.
For God's sake, Helena.
You can't fall asleep.
-For God's sake, you can't fall asleep.
-Jesus, I fell asleep, didn't I?
-I'm terribly sorry.
-It's okay. Don't worry about it.
Right. This was an introductory exercise
and we shall meet in the lobby shortly
to discuss some logistics
and then we'll get to work.
Did he just say work?
You promised me a relaxing stay.
Your leaflet says you provide passion.
Now you talk about work.
-Let's go home.
-In order to improve your relationship
-we need you to cooperate, Mr….
-Zounar, nice to meet you.
-Cuddle.
-Step away, love. Look, I'm a builder.
If you pay me to build you a house
I wouldn't make you carry
a sack of cement, right?
There must be a difference between
a sack of cement and your lovely wife.
-Right, Mr. Zounar?
-I guess there is.
The cement won't make you
go to a stint
at a marital reformatory.
Right. See you in the lobby, okay?
-What brought you here, skiers?
-Pruša won a stay from a trivia contest.
-And he won all this too.
-"History of the Czech Sport".
Nice.
The first prize was a trip
to a Bayern match.
-But you came in second?
-Right.
Why wasn't this built on a normal
foundation like any other house?
Because it's pretty this way?
Pretty? It's expensive.
And we're the ones who pay for it.
-After work we never go out for coffee.
-What's wrong with that?
Expressing emotions
that belong to our partner.
If we do that, obviously our partner
doesn't get any of that at all at home.
-Right, my love?
-Some things are better said to friends.
-Not a husband.
-Not every husband.
Let Patrika arrange the transport…
Once again, welcome.
And let me use this opportunity
to introduce the owner of this resort,
Mr. Johan Rittner. Good day.
Could you tell our guests
a thing about relationships?
Good day to you all.
I can't remember much about relationships
so I'll leave it up to our expert.
Mr. Rittner's passions are ponds,
woods and especially mosses,
he knows hundreds of species. Right, sir?
Yes, moss has this special quality
of being able to use the good stuff
without trying to change the bad stuff.
Unlike marriage, as you like to add.
Well, enjoy your stay. At your own risk.
Wait, what risk?
We don't know what you'll do to us
and you want us to take a risk?
Mr. Zounar has been a bit skeptical.
-Give it a chance, Mr. Zounar.
-Have you been here before?
Sure.
The Dudas are no different
from all the other couples here.
-They started to drift apart.
-These lessons saved our marriage.
So I'm supposed to pay for a chance
to hug my own wife? That's huge.
-I can't wait to tell the men at the site.
-I have a proposal for you.
If the method doesn't work,
you'll get a full refund from us.
Be more specific.
On your website you promise
-to bring passion back into our lives.
-Yes, that is correct.
-You'll get a full refund.
-Who'll be the judge of that? Mr. Moss?
You yourself.
Before your departure
Mr. Moss will ask you about the result.
-Deal?
-Sure, deal.
There you go.
-See?
-Come on.
Monika!
-Hi.
-Hi.
-What are you doing here?
-I'm a yoga and jogging instructor.
-What are you doing here?
-Just here for this course.
Since when do you need
to be lectured in passion?
Out with it, Patrika.
What did they steal this time?
Eight towels, four robes,
two pairs of slippers,
one bathroom mat and a doormat.
-A doormat?
-Yes. Room 115.
Thanks for backing me up, Mr. Moss.
On the contrary, doctor.
You're in trouble.
If we lose the bet
we'll deduct the sum from your invoice.
But when he refuses to cooperate…
No, you claim your method works.
This is your chance to prove it.
Well, we can always give him a discount.
No discount. Passion!
Problems in our partnership
almost always stem
from a lack of intimacy.
One partner starts drifting apart,
the other tries to get closer.
But if there is no response,
eventually they just give up.
That's how it is. So let's start
to get back to each other now.
Nice and slow,
inch by inch.
Within one week you'll experience
a huge transformation.
Let's do this.
When we're separated physically
our energetic fields
cease to communicate
and eventually our emotional
fields drift apart as well.
-Right, Mr. Zounar? Logically.
-That's true.
-Suck it in.
-The one joint emotion is gone
and we're left with two emotions
which eventually separate us
on a partnership level, too.
That's right. That's right.
Take a deep look
into your partner's eyes.
Right.
Now slowly embrace each other.
You're starting to produce oxytocin,
a hormone of love.
Breastfeeding mothers are the top
producers, closely followed by lovers.
And us, if we give it
a bit of good practice,
we can go back to this stage.
Now. Let's slowly tighten the embrace.
Nice, isn't it?
Would a sack of cement give you
the same experience, Mr. Zounar?
Okay. Shh.
And now whisper to your partner
your biggest secret.
-Like how much I bet on Bayern?
-You bet on Bayern?
-The secret. Let it out.
-I don't know. I don't think I have any.
Nonsense. Have you ever loved
anybody more than you love me?
-Come on…
-I mean had you? Before we met.
I don't think so.
And what is your secret?
-I'm really craving you now.
-Me, too.
I'm really… craving.
Hang on, this is just a steam room.
Let's go to the Finnish sauna.
Fine. Go, boys. We'll stay here.
Helena? Where are you going?
-Helena? Steam is good for your skin.
-And we'll go to the Finnish one.
Jesus, okay. I'll stay here with you
if you're so stubborn.
Come to the Finnish sauna, man.
You don't need glowing skin.
Igor, we didn't come here together
to spend our time separately.
What a loser.
My man prefers staring
into the darkness at 100 degrees
than enjoying time spent with me.
That idiot resists positive emotions.
-Exactly.
-It might work for him.
Can you think of anything
about this that might work for him?
I know this little belly button.
Stop it.
-Do you want me to?
-No way.
I said no!
Why don't you want it?
Me?
-You don't want it.
-I don't want it?
Nonsense, I've been
longing for you since we arrived.
Sure you have.
You're both here to learn
The Art of Passion, aren't you?
Bedrich?
Please, come with me. I need you.
-Don't you need me?
-I really need a friend now.
-Go.
-Wait. Who taught you this nice massage?
Helena's beautician.
She's such an amazing woman.
It's all about circular motions.
Moving from the side
of the trunk towards the heart.
You go to a beautician together?
Sure. If we do this all day…
…we'll have nothing to talk about.
She was lying right over there.
A perfect stomach, flat as that bench.
Perfectly shaped legs.
It's the jogging, you know? Monika.
I'd just…
Man, I'd just do anything
in this 100 degrees. I mean…
It's just the testosterone. Forget it.
This is the 21st century.
What does the century have to do with it?
Igor, testosterone is a bastard.
It's turned us into primitives.
Idiots throughout all of evolution.
-But finally it's over and done with.
-Not mine, it isn't.
-I want to stay primitive.
-Or you can learn to direct it.
If you direct it at your Lucie
instead of at that jogger girl then…
-I direct it at Lucie.
-That's great.
I mean I direct it at Lucie
but my testosterone directs at the jogger.
I told you testosterone is a bastard.
But you can do it. I trust you.
It's the jogger I worry about.
Can she do it to me?
Mr. Rittner?
Our guru in the wild.
Thanks, Miki.
Careful, doctor.
The whole forest is one unceasing vice.
All right. Hey, girls.
Thanks for the ride.
Perhaps doves might pass.
Well, more like scrape through.
But the rest?
A proper hothouse of vice.
Good thing we people
can control our instincts
and tell good from evil, right?
Don't you find it weird
that nature works in the opposite manner
of what you teach in your courses?
The thing is that erotic attraction
consists in uncertainty.
When a female is escaping, it works.
And if she wants to be appealing,
she keeps getting further from the male
rather than closer.
A primitive instinct. Is it admirable?
Not sure if it's admirable
but it's natural.
I'd rather know what you meant
by that thing with Zounar.
-Deducting it from my salary?
-Exactly.
Once you offer services
you must also offer a guarantee.
-Hello.
-Hi.
Hi.
Focus on the game, okay?
Let's try this exercise.
Tee off one ball after another.
Each of them the same way.
Straighten your back. Head down.
Straighten your elbow. Next one.
Great. You're amazing.
Straighten your back.
You're doing wonderful, my love.
Head down. Straight back. The elbow.
Straight back. Awesome.
Don't slouch!
Great job, my love.
To think you never actually liked golf.
You're becoming an expert.
Whether you want to or not.
Yes, a gift voucher.
And how can I help you?
Can you put me in?
The Art of Passion. A gift voucher.
Mr. Novotný Tibor.
You are here with your wife.
Yes, it's my gift to her.
To make amends.
RECEPTION
But you've already been staying here
since Saturday.
Already?
We put you up in room 204.
Right now you are having
a lesson on tight embrace.
The winners
of the most passionate couple contest here
would be Mr. and Mrs. Novotný.
No, I praise you. I praise you.
Three minutes, five times a day,
and the emotional bond will renew.
Dear friends,
one of the partners may forget something,
so the other one wants to remind them.
And for that occasion
you can purchase bells of love
at the reception desk.
We call them "reminders".
So you can simply and easily
ring it for each other.
My husband's here.
So let's do this. Come on.
Tighter, tighter, tighter.
Let's wring the oxytocin out. Yes.
Let's wring it all out. Come on.
Wonderful, my love.
Squeeze some more. Go for it.
Four more minutes, peeps. Remember:
One minute of tight embrace
equals six months of therapy.
Come on. Don't let go.
Right, right.
Don't let go! That's right!
Helena, your hug is perfectly tight.
Zounars, I can see you.
There's no true love
without a tight embrace. See?
Even the Prušas have caught up.
Five more seconds and we're done.
Keep breathing. Hold tight, hold tight!
Show me your strength. Three,
two, one! Good.
Bedrich, man. What's wrong?
-Wake up!
-Mr. Bedrich, breathe. Brea…
-Bedrich, wake the fuck up.
-I can't feel a pulse.
-Somebody should help him.
-An accident in the resort.
We need an ambulance.
A male, 40 years, unconscious.
-Bedrich…
-Collapse, heart attack or… stress?
Building C.
Someone will meet you in the driveway.
-Are you sure his heart was okay?
-Yes.
Epilepsy? Diabetes?
-Not that I know of.
-Did he take pills? Was he acting weird?
Bedrich? No.
-How exactly did this happen?
-At a couples therapy.
Excuse me?
-I'll come with you.
-He'll be in an induced coma
-until they find out what's wrong.
-I don't mind.
And there it is.
Right?
-What are you doing here anyway?
-I thought we'd reconcile here.
On a trip to the Czech Republic.
Learning The Art of Passion.
Well, it's too late now.
-Just two days late.
-Three months, dear Tibor.
Three months?
Did you notice I moved away on Christmas?
Did you?
I've filed for divorce.
You must have gotten the letter.
That's why I bought the voucher.
For The Art of Passion.
To bring passion back into our life.
-We have a lot to talk about.
-Like what?
About us moving away from Bratislava.
Well, I have moved already.
To stay with Karel.
-You mean the one who… there…
-Yes. That's Karol.
I mean Karel.
A Czech?
-Couldn't you at least pick a…
-Tibor, dear. You should go home.
Okay? And thank you so much
for the voucher. You're a darling.
Come on. Bye-bye.
This is my dear Tibor.
-Excuse me, what time is my bus?
-Half an hour ago.
-And the next one?
-In the morning.
Why don't you stay here with us?
Yes, you can do the embracing
instead of Bedrich. Or me.
I mean if you're not afraid.
I'm not afraid. Would you want to?
Sure.
Perhaps you might start
fearing for your wife, Mr. Zounar.
You know how it is, Mrs. Prušová.
He who ploughs my field
spares my plough.
To Bedrich.
To the perfectest of us all.
Good thing he didn't collapse
somewhere in the woods alone.
-He would never go to the woods alone.
-Why?
Hela would be there with him.
She's quite petite.
Plus, if she wanted to strangle him
she'd do it at home, not in public.
They say there was
some hugging involved.
The question is
where a hug ends and a murder starts.
If she really had strangled him
wouldn't he have fallen unconscious?
But then he should jump back up
real quick, like in martial arts.
Yeah, but sometimes--
Do you know what vagal death is?
A pressure stimulates
receptors on an artery.
The carotid sinus.
It can lead to heart failure,
or an extreme drop of blood pressure
and a sufferer can go into a deep coma.
It can occur during sex practice.
We get that here a lot.
Really?
But the lady would have
had to press really hard.
You mean intentionally.
This lady?
-Jesus, let's do something more useful.
-And it's hard to find the right spots.
This lady would have to know.
I must dash to the kindergarten.
All other kids should be gone by now.
Sorry I called. It's just that
the finding on the neck,
-it seemed to me like a-
-Strangling.
Come on, the kindergarten's waiting.
How is he doing?
Mr. Novotný is going to show me
a sky lantern. Come with us.
-It's very romantic.
-I'm going to lie down.
What a pity.
Now that you have a free evening.
We'll make a wish for you then.
What is your wish this year, my love?
I wish not to set the woods on fire.
Let's wish for a hundred years together.
What if I wish for something else?
No. An eternal embrace.
That would be wonderful.
Shall we?
We'll convict her and leave.
CSI Hradec, Lieutenant Vrabec.
Mikšíková Patrika,
hot and sweet like paprika.
Excuse me?
Our boss says we should
create a positive vibe around here
-so I said a funny.
-A funny? What was the punch line?
Patrika, Paprika.
Because you're Vrabec - Hradec.
-It was a rhyme, not a joke.
-Yes. That's why I rhymed
so together it makes a joke.
-You must park your car elsewhere.
-We're here to investigate.
My colleague is solving the embrace case.
-The strangling.
-The Art of Passion.
-Passion?
-Yes.
An embrace makes our passion stronger.
And the results are pretty clear here.
What is clear?
My colleague means that passion
can lead to serious crimes.
So why should we follow that?
I don't know. I… don't know.
Our boss says I shouldn't think
about things like that.
But you really need
to move the car. It's a rule.
Would you like a room together?
The Romance Suite is vacant now.
Well. We prefer an ordinary office.
Why?
Or should we summon
your guests to our station?
I don't understand.
-The hands around his neck were yours.
-Why on earth would I do that?
Mrs. Dudová, have you ever
undergone treatment?
-Any mental treatment?
-I used to go to therapy. I still do.
-And the reason?
-My husband's wish.
-Why?
-To improve my feelings for him.
-And who has been treating you?
-Dr. Cuddle.
But he's not a doctor.
Not even a psychologist.
-I know. We call him doctor.
-An electrician who teaches coaching.
At a 10-day course.
-That's what it says here.
-He knows us.
-And I have to be grateful to him.
-You have to?
I have to.
Have you ever practiced any martial arts?
-What?
-Judo, karate, or MMA?
-Cage fighting?
-No.
You must have learned it somewhere.
How exactly did you hug your husband?
-I can show you.
-No, thanks. That-- No need really.
Where were your hands during the embrace?
How can I show you
when he's afraid of me?
I'm not afraid of you.
Mr. Vrabec, his collapse…
Couldn't the blood just move
from his head elsewhere?
Sit down.
Excuse me.
What do you mean
the roof insulation is soaking wet?
You just fixed it recently.
No running hot water
so there goes a new boiler.
-8,230 crowns…
-Thank you.
4,000…
Your lunch. Your fish.
Would you like some wine?
You wouldn't.
Stains on the ceiling, so a new hydra--
-I really don't have time for this.
-Let's not waste it here. Go home,
get a new boiler,
bathe your kids and that's that.
If this was an attempted murder,
which it was, we need evidence.
Do you really need to arrest
someone literally every time?
I get it, I get it. Yes, it's our job.
-Job…
-What?
Nothing. All's fine.
We all get off on something.
I wanted fish?
M.A. Benešová?
Judging by the address, you live
with the Dudas in one house.
-Did you come here together?
-Yes. We live on the ground floor
and they have a loft. Bedrich--
I mean Mr. Duda
gave us the voucher for Christmas.
-We could never afford this.
-Did the Dudas ever fight?
Wait, you mean they were fighting
and as a result she…
So did they fight?
Never.
Everyone fights at home sometimes.
True.
But they didn't.
-You mean they were perfect?
-Perfect? What an understatement.
I've never seen such a happy couple.
-And didn't you find it suspicious?
-No. No.
You all came here
with an issue to resolve, right?
Well, I have no issues to resolve at all.
Because you've solved it
by exchange. Piece for piece. Right?
Well, yes.
You're actually right. So what?
Either you suffer endlessly,
trying to save the relationship,
or you start from scratch.
Something better. With someone else.
-What issue were the Dudas dealing with?
-I don't know.
Maybe they just desired a
desire.
Desired a desire?
-Pretty absurd, huh?
-Why do you think so?
Detective, you look like
a person of sound mind.
Can you theoretically desire
something you already have?
-You did your military service, right?
-Yes.
Imagine soldiers besieging a position.
They fight, they win,
it's theirs. Obviously.
And the next day a commander comes
and tells them to besiege it again.
But they need to desire it.
The very same position.
-Why the fuck would they do that?
-That's true.
Perhaps to prevent the position
from being occupied by someone else.
You were never in the service, were you?
All you need to do is keep
the position under control. Am I right?
By the way…
Where is your wife?
She's not answering our calls.
You have such soft hands.
You must be very sensitive.
Well, not really.
If I took the nasty things
my husband says to heart
I'd have gone mad by now.
So you're steeled against it?
Yeah. I'm kind of a tank.
He keeps bombarding me
and it doesn't affect me.
Except for scratches on my armor.
You must tell me everything about it.
We speak different languages
and yet we get each other so much.
Darling?
I think the Cuddle method
is downright bullshit.
-I've been saying it all along.
-See?
Finally we're starting
to get each other.
That girl has no motive.
And she keeps repeating the same thing.
They were lovebirds, sweethearts.
And don't you find it weird?
Mrs. Dudová could have strangled him
at home. Much less risky.
But what if she actually wanted
everyone to see?
That Cuddle guy,
or their admiring neighbor?
Nonsense. We'll write a report
that the lucky man collapsed
in his wife's arms, you'll go home
-and deal with your roof. Okay?
-No.
We have no motive.
For now. Try Patrika Paprika.
-That woman is a goof.
-Then you might get along.
Here our clients can enjoy
the magic of a massage for two.
-What is it good for?
-Experiencing the delight together.
One massage for each at the same time.
-What if each wants a different one?
-Well, then,
they would experience
the feeling of release separately.
-And that's wrong, says Cuddle.
-Yes, Cuddle. Patrika?
-You must have your own opinions.
-On what?
On the circus here.
On relationships. On marriage.
Mr. Rittner says that
I should not have any opinions
on marriage as it's too complicated.
I don't know
why there is such a thing at all.
-It brings nothing but troubles.
-Children.
Children?
There must be some other way.
By means of a deal or something…
-What is this?
-A bath for two.
We place petals in there beforehand.
A five-kilo pack costs 62 crowns.
-Romance can bring a bargain too.
-Yes.
The price includes music,
prosecco and olives. Four olives.
A relationship is hard work.
Yes.
-Did the Dudas come here?
-Of course.
Cuddle prepared a schedule for them.
First year twice a day, then just once.
It's a wonder they didn't get soggy.
No, they didn't.
-But Helena caught a rash.
-From the potion? Makes sense.
Bedrich said
it must have been one of the herbs
but we changed the herbs often
and Helena actually broke out in a rash…
…every time…
Every time Bedrich was in there.
When will you wake him up from the coma?
First we need to find out
what actually happened.
A few more tests must be done.
We might wake him up tomorrow.
Will he be okay?
I think so.
We haven't actually found
any problems whatsoever just yet.
I'll be in touch.
Fine. Thank you.
-What?
-What's wrong?
I got her into a mess for nothing.
And yet all she did was try really hard.
Helena!
Anything new?
Is he still in the coma?
Those cops, what an arrogant bunch.
They asked us if you were fighting here.
That's true. And they asked us
if you were fighting at home.
-What did you tell them?
-That they weren't. Unlike us, right?
Because unlike us, Helena and Bedrich
do everything together, you know?
They cook, they go shopping, jogging.
Bedrich even accompanies Helena
to her gynecologist, right?
-He's worried about my health.
-To a gynecologist?
Yeah. To the dentist too.
When Helena and her colleagues
go for coffee, he joins them
and he is there with her.
See, he really cares about her.
-And you think that's normal?
-Wait, Igor and I live together
and I see no reason why we shouldn't
know everything about each other.
Your mobile is password-protected
as if you were a CIA agent.
-Bedrich reads all his texts to Helena.
-Do you read yours to him, too?
Either that, or he reads them
himself in the evening.
-He opens and checks your phone?
-So he doesn't need to be jealous.
They even have a joint email.
Dudas@something something. Right?
And they know all their passwords.
I mean it's so lovely.
If one of us forgets,
the other might know.
So you chat with your friends
and then he gets to read it?
Helena doesn't need friends.
-Bedrich prefers us to be together.
-Shit, Helena.
If I were you I'd kill him.
What an interesting remark, Mr. Zounar.
I guess I fucked up a bit.
-It never occurred to me that…
-Let's just say no comment from now on.
But he really is an asshole.
One minute.
-What about Paprika?
-Good.
Good?
Duda gave Helena Dudová a rash.
That poor woman had
quite a few reasons to kill him.
-Have you finally found compassion?
-No. A motive.
Now we just need a witness.
Do you know what I hate about us cops?
-The total lack of humanity.
-See?
And that's what I find relaxing.
Right.
Yesterday I was told
Mrs. Dudová had no privacy whatsoever.
She says she didn't mind but I hear
she told you something different.
I know nothing about that.
Were you in a sauna together?
I know which tram he takes to work,
where he buys his snacks,
if it's a ham or cheese bun,
how many times his PC crashes,
what newspaper he reads,
how many times he goes to the bathroom.
If it's diarrhea, constipation,
or if the poo-pe-doo is okay…
He just loves you, you know?
-A poo-pe-doo?
-It's what he bases our menu on.
-In an Excel tab.
-A menu? Like in a school cafeteria?
Yeah. Except we do it on the weekends too.
Mrs. Zounarová described
the situation in detail for us.
The sauna! I totally forgot.
We heard that Helena found
her marriage quite constricting.
Not at all. On the contrary.
She was thrilled
that they were so closely bonded.
Was she?
-You were discussing a menu…
-I must suggest it to Pruša.
He'll be excited about the idea
of us having the same
poo-pe-doos.
While your wife was in the steam room
you went into the Finnish sauna.
-I don't know. I really can't remember.
-Mr. Zounar!
At least you might tell us the truth.
There are security cameras everywhere.
Has it never occurred to you that
Helena might want a moment to herself?
Why?
Come on, she must be taking pills
to be able to tolerate you.
What? She takes pills for her allergies.
An allergy to you, Bedrich. Sorry.
Come on, that's bullshit.
There would have to be signs.
Like what?
Like in bed.
-We're great in bed together.
-Really?
Yeah.
Well, all right then.
So you want me to tell you
what men talk about in the sauna?
-Is that allowed?
-Is there a problem?
You'd respect a confessional, right?
And the same goes for a sauna.
It's true.
-Excuse me.
-Sure, no problem.
What? A vapor barrier now?
What is a vapor barrier?
Why take down the whole ceiling
if it molds only in the kids' room?
No, I don't understand it!
-What is a vapor barrier?
-He's a builder.
Give it to me.
Zounar speaking. Hi. Tell me
what went wrong there. Be specific.
Right. What size?
Jutalex, or Dektafol?
Hang on, mate. How did you glue it?
Straight to waterproofing? Fuck me.
Take a picture and send it
to the email I'll give you now.
-Remember Dudová hugging me?
-Unforgettable.
She touched my arteries.
Because she's as tall as me.
Bedrich Duda, 6'4".
She could never reach that high.
She could touch his neck
but not wrap her arm around it.
That was a cool and calm talk.
Tell your husband to rough those guys up.
Her husband left to learn
The Art of Passion elsewhere.
If you get me out of this boot camp,
I'll gladly beat them up myself.
I'll consider your proposal.
Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
If everybody is in position
we can start. Shall we?
Now, give each other a nice slow hug.
Go as far as you're comfortable.
-Wait…
-Is there a problem?
No, it's fine.
I'm a bit more cautious now.
Go gently so no one else is choked.
-Do you want to hug?
-Sure. Come on.
You seem to be hanging on him.
Could you hug him normally?
Like everyone else here?
Right. Now put your fingers
on his carotid arteries.
I don't know where carotid arteries are.
We marked them for you.
That's where you husband was bruised.
Try to help her out somehow.
But if he collapses
they'll both fall down, right?
Put her down.
And what if you bend your knees?
Try it now.
-This is nonsense, isn't it?
-It is, yeah.
We're done here.
The mechanism is not in accordance
with physical abilities of the suspect.
I've never seen you leave
without arresting someone.
Get used to it.
-What about us?
-When you decide to murder each other,
bury yourselves up in the hills
so nobody can find you. Bye.
And what about the colored bricks?
They go under your feet.
-What bricks?
-The couples can use yoga blocks.
If they're of different heights.
These blocks?
Who of you used these yoga blocks?
How about you, Mrs. Dudová?
Did you have one under your feet?
No.
Did Mrs. Dudová have
this thing under her feet?
She didn't.
Mrs. Novotná?
No.
-Mrs. Zounarová?
-No, she didn't.
Mrs. Zounarová?
Yeah, she's smaller.
I guess she did.
Come on.
When you're ready.
Let me ask you again, Mrs. Dudová.
Did you have the bricks under your feet?
-Sometimes I did. That time I didn't.
-And why is that?
It took a really long time.
I don't know. Five minutes at least.
-My arms were really hurting.
-Two minutes. Max. Even less.
Seven minutes, 15 seconds.
A new record.
An average time of embrace
in the past three years has been 4:52.
Patrika, do you have the records?
That lady was recording
everything on video.
Oh, come on…
Hand it to me, please.
Password?
Password.
What is your password?
Can you please say it to me?
Well…
-I don't know.
-You don't know?
I-- I would often change it.
Patrika?
You're lying now, aren't you?
-Well…
-So what is your password?
I don't know.
You yourself say you're lying.
-Yeah.
-So tell me.
I won't.
Alice!
-What was that supposed to mean?
-I'm no parrot repeating your words.
Why did they lie
about her using the bricks?
So they could feel like partisans.
Tibor, would you like
to go for a walk with me?
-What are you doing?
-Nothing. Sparing your plough.
I guess I'm going to prison.
At least I'll have privacy there.
Will I get my own cell?
Not very likely. But at least
no one will be touching me.
I told Bedrich we can live
a normal life together
I let him accompany me everywhere
but no constant hugging or deep stares.
How the hell can I desire something
that keeps hanging around my neck?
And wants sex, right?
These cuddly types, that is…
Hello.
-May I?
-Sure.
Helena?
Hello.
I'm sorry.
Isn't it time for the embrace thing?
Suddenly you feel like going?
Here we go again.
Once again I have to beg.
I just need you to at least
sometimes want me. Do you get it?
-Am I doing something wrong?
-No, it's me. Maybe you push too hard.
You keep pushing me away,
it's so damn humiliating!
I'm fucking trying!
I understand your disappointment,
Bedrich, but I'm not surprised really.
Helena keeps resisting.
But she'll learn it. The passion.
She has to.
Right, Helena? There's no other way.
I don't know.
We've been coming here for years
-and it just keeps getting worse.
-There is anger in you, Helena.
You should hug Bedrich.
Hold on a little longer.
Once she burst into tears during sex.
Well, she shows emotions. That's good.
She even fell asleep the other time.
Well.
She's exhausted but it will get better.
-Can we skip this lesson?
-You can do this--
Just this once.
No.
-I promise tomorrow--
-Helena, today. Give it your all.
Hold real tight and things will
get better, you'll see.
Half an hour later it happened.
You just showed your emotions
the way Cuddle hadn't expected.
-Oops, a mistake.
-Yes. You should've strangled Cuddle.
Or both of them, ideally.
Bedrich has just woken up from the coma.
Well, then… Yay.
-Mr. Rittner, lives are at stake here.
-Who would have thought?
Do something. Your Patrika has proof
of Dudová deliberately strangling Duda.
-I know. She called me.
-Only you have her under control.
The same mistake over and over.
No one can have anyone under control.
And you can't see it
due to your tight holdings.
-Tight embrace. Holding is in hockey.
-Two minutes penalty in the sin bin.
If Patrika gives you the password,
the cops will arrest Dudová,
the case is closed and we're cool.
Wow, look at them.
The passion thing does work here.
Despite your methods.
Zounar must admit it. We made a bet.
-Listen. Dudová is going hard against us.
-Against you.
If you say so. But a resort
where people murder each other,
I'm not sure who'll want to visit.
Nothing here either.
Look, a prize. You can win
three epilators. Here you go.
"Science". A five-minute piece of cake.
See? You can win a calendar
with photos of prize-winning cattle.
Never mind.
"Trivia of Nobel Prize Winners".
Look, a mistake. As always.
-A Japanese pearl diver?
-Ama.
Ata, you ama.
A demonstrative pronoun? Let's race.
You've already had yours!
Can you tell them apart? Genius.
Not all of them.
I mean you. You're a genius.
Oh?
Could we have a chat some time?
An interrogation?
Okay. What time?
No, just a normal chat.
-A human chat.
-I get it. You want the password.
Yes.
Yes. Where shall I meet you?
Could I invite you to dinner?
Dinner.
We have staff meals in the kitchen.
For 45 crowns.
-Today we have lentils.
-Well, lentils, that's really…
I mean, lentils!
45 crowns, what a bargain.
-Right?
-Yep.
It is a real bargain. At 6:20?
-In the lobby?
-Why not?
Just one.
Not there.
Over there, these have already eaten.
Are we leaving already?
-Isn't it a shame?
-No, it's not.
-Why don't we feed them over there?
-No, it's frozen there.
The investigation is over.
Bedrich is fine.
It's still an attempted murder.
But he can tell them the truth.
That you didn't hurt him.
Lucie…
He doesn't remember the last ten minutes
at all. They say it's pretty common.
I see.
Did I upset you by saying
that the lady had recorded the videos?
Sorry, I should have denied it too.
But I envied you.
-I know.
-The way you look, dress,
the way you laugh,
the fact that you're well off.
And Bedrich adores you.
Didn't you wonder about
all those pills you'd brought me?
For depression, anxiety, allergies?
While you never needed any of these?
-You think my life is easy?
-But you can breathe.
-Too much. Igor is never around.
-Yay!
-He stares at everything. Bikes, chicks.
-Other than that?
Well, other than that…
Otherwise he's pretty good.
-He's funny, quite reliable…
-See? There you go.
But you married the full package.
If he wasn't staring,
he wouldn't be funny, reliable.
He would be a different person.
He wouldn't be Igor anymore.
-He would be…
-Bedrich.
-And you'd be an accused murderer.
-Yes. Let's drink to that.
Grab one, ladies. It's free of charge.
Tomorrow morning I'll win a bet.
No passion has been learned here.
-On the rocks or straight up?
-Straight up.
Well, straight then.
It feels nice being with you here,
Patrika. Just so you know.
Really?
We rebuilt this place two years ago.
I mean being with you, personally.
It feels nice.
I see.
But you don't want to have
a relationship with me, do you?
-A relationship?
-A relationship.
Because I see a lot of them here.
Relationships.
And I want no such thing. At all.
When people are together
just out of duty, they are…
They are a lot meaner to each other.
I get it. It's okay.
No relationship.
Okay? Because I'd rather-- Thanks.
Because I'd rather keep being
me.
Fine.
-I'll keep being me too.
-Good. Because Cuddle claims
that there should be "we" instead.
Which is obviously impossible
because we don't want to be "we".
-We will be two "me's".
-Yes. Together without a relationship.
-We could do that.
-We could do that.
Obviously, we can still have sex.
It's totally fine.
I'm staying at the upper building.
Room 507, at the very end of the hall.
What time are you coming, babe?
Did you just call me babe?
That's what people call each other
before or after they go into a room
and spend more than an hour there.
My observation.
Huh.
But for now we can't call each other
babe nor have an intimate… thing.
Unfortunately, I'm here on duty.
-Is that a rule?
-Yes.
A rule?
And are you allowed
to eat lentils on duty?
I am.
-Especially when it's 40 crowns.
-45.
Very good, Patrika.
No, honey. I'm coming tomorrow.
You must ride it out at Grandma's.
Kiss-kiss. Bye. Right. Kiss-kiss.
May I keep you company for a while?
How come you didn't order
room service, Mr. Rittner?
Isn't it more pleasant to have dinner
with a beautiful and smart woman
while being served
by a just as beautiful and smart woman?
-I'd swap places with you immediately.
-Then you'd be served by an old grump.
-Who are you talking about, Mr. Rittner?
-When it's time for bonuses, call me.
We never get bonuses here.
Everybody wants my investigation
to fail. Are you here to twist my arm?
-Exactly.
-Go for it, then.
People who come here are adults.
Do you agree?
They know when climbing a rock that
one might fall. This is the same thing.
Either they can live a normal life,
look after kids, a household, travel.
Or do stupid things like tight embrace.
-Which might end up badly too.
-Says the one who benefits from it.
Can you blame a car dealer
for accidents? A tobacconist for cancer?
-Even a pack of cigarettes has a warning.
-So we'll put up a photo of Mr. Duda
lying in the ICU with a warning sign,
"Passion can damage your health"?
Passion is a fetish. Thank God
my age made me get rid of it.
Now I can peacefully read books.
Right, Aneta dear?
Yes, Mr. Rittner.
And I thought men always enjoyed it.
The hunt, the excitement, the hormones.
You think?
Imagine you have hormones
and social conventions prevent you from
using them for most part of your life.
-Why do you sell passion, then?
-Honestly? A gap in the market.
-Very cynical.
-I give jobs to 56 employees
who wouldn't get one anywhere else.
I tend a forest, five ponds,
a hectare of wetland.
If desperate
love-seekers want to finance it
it's their choice.
What's your offer?
Mr. Bedrich seems to be out of the woods
but I'm firing Cuddle anyway,
canceling the Passion thing,
-and you leave the lady alone.
-Who will finance your wetland?
I'll work it out.
It will make me happier, though.
And if you let Helena go,
you'll be happier too.
-If anything should make me happy--
-It would be arresting someone, I know.
-I can't help it.
-You have no evidence whatsoever.
And Patrika will never give you
the password. She's an insistent lady.
Her tablet can be easily unlocked.
We're just waiting for permissions.
Why don't we drink to that?
Sorry, let me just grab that.
You know we're leaving tomorrow
so you're seducing me, right?
Seducing you?
You're not.
First of all we should
discuss this thing properly.
What we expect from each other,
how to go on in the relationship
and stuff like that. You know?
I don't want to discuss that stuff now.
Well, we should.
We should harmonize our emotions.
Have you read
Cuddle's Handbook of Sharing Emotions?
Trust me, you don't want to share
my emotions with me now, Tibor.
-So I suggest we talk about it openly.
-Talk openly? Fine!
For once, all I wanted
was to feel like I am being
hit on by a real man.
-Alice!
-I wouldn't sleep with you anyway.
But to feel someone try,
that I really needed today!
Alice! But that's what
we need to talk about!
Girls, let's have another round.
At Mr. Rittner's expense.
Please, just tell me.
What do you want from me?
Do you want me
to be a saber-toothed tiger?
To tear your bathrobe with my teeth?
A saber-toothed tiger?
My ex-husband? Really?
Fine, go for it,
you saber-toothed tiger.
But you're giving consent
to what I'm about to do, right?
Yeah.
Mr. Zounar, it looks like someone
is besieging your position.
Don't mess it up again, you poor thing.
You wish there was some babysitter
to take care of him for you, right?
There's a knot or something.
You got it all tangled up.
Stop touching me, you pig!
No way, you maniac!
You wanted some carnal love
and I complied with your requirements.
-Oh, you "complied the requirements"!
-Alice!
What requirements?
I am offering you
an enduring relationship.
That sickly impotent fucking Slovak.
I'll fucking show you carnal stuff!
Ladies, do you think
this might be considered
a real display of passion?
-Definitely.
-Right?
-Alice!
-Oh, Jesus.
So he doesn't catch a cold
for you to take care of.
That didn't work out, did it?
Oh, well. What a shame.
Here is a tip for you.
And Mr. Zounar will be paying the bill.
Ali, please. Don't leave.
Please, don't leave now! Ali…
By credit card, okay?
Hang on, Dáša.
Mr. Zounar and I have a deal.
So let me ask you: What about
the passion? Have you learned it?
You know what, Mr. Moss?
-Kiss my fucking ass, okay?
-It looks like the client is happy
and wishes to pay for his stay.
Well, we'll probably
see each other next time, my friend?
How did it go for you here
passion-wise, Mrs. Benešová?
Well, my husband turned into
a passionate… jogger.
See? Passion, desire.
It all works out here.
No, I can't now. I'm working.
What? You can't be serious. I…
I can't live without a roof. I mean--
My kids will get wet!
You idiot, how can she live with
half a roof? Her kids will get wet!
Sit on your hands and wait for me.
We'll sort it out together.
I can't wait either. Good.
In a single lady's household they think
they can get away with anything.
It'll be okay, don't worry. Right.
And I'd better go.
I don't need to be a part of this.
He was abusing her!
And she's going to get arrested?
-Helena should have gotten divorced.
-Divorced? Him?
A psychopath coached
by another psychopath?
-Excuse me?
-Shut the fuck up, Cuddly.
Why would the poor lady come here?
Let me answer that one.
I was here during Helena's first visit.
She wanted to go to Croatia to do yoga
with her friend but Bedrich got upset.
Cuddle obviously stood up for Bedrich
and that was the end of her solo trips.
Cuddle used the Dudas as experiment.
Yes. His method has been banned
in many countries for ten years.
Even longer when used with kids.
This method has caused many accidents.
-More knowledge from crosswords?
-But as for the accidents,
we've had them here too.
Nineteen in total.
Including Mrs. Janecková.
-Wait, she collapsed in a park.
-On her way from this doctor's lesson.
He's not a doctor!
What about the others, Patrika?
Mrs. Štroblová, broken ribs. Her husb…
Her man fell into a trance during the hug
so he squeezed her a bit too hard.
-Wait, a trance? Come on…
-Quiet!
What else?
That year just three breakdowns.
What made those three people break down?
Mostly one of the partners
enjoys the embrace
but the other one doesn't.
If it's by order. My observation.
An autistic lady is giving us
a lecture about relationships. Cool.
Insult her again and I'm whacking you.
Go on, Patrika.
That was all that year.
Aside from the Havlíks.
We should count them too.
-But that happened in their home!
-Yes.
They were discussing their stay,
Mrs. Havlíková threw a knife at him,
Mr. Havlík tugged a rug from under
her feet and she hit a sink.
I have a copy of the protocol in…
And contacts for the people?
Mrs. Havlíková died,
Mr. Havlík is in prison
but I have contacts
for all the other people too.
-In my tablet.
-To which we still need the password.
It's such a shame, Patrika.
That would be a real game-changer.
I can try and discuss it
with witness Mikšíková once more.
Follow me, witness.
Hang on, you can't trust
some autistic bitch.
Monika told you
not to call Patrika such names.
-Thank you.
-The hospital is calling.
Mr. Duda has just been released.
Our star client has survived.
Hooray!
Pity you two won't have a chance
to talk it over, Mr. Cuddle.
-Are you sure you don't want him?
-I don't.
-I get it but I had to ask.
-Good old Zounar. Mum's the word!
Take care. I wish you all the best.
So what now, Tibor dear?
Get in the car, darling.
And don't drop crumbs.
Sorry, Tibor.
I guess I'd strangle you too.
Bye-bye.
Ali? I packed some breakfast cookies
for you. And some sparkling water.
And we'll stop by the detective's place
to check on her roof.
-That route is much nicer anyway.
-Sure, you romantic soul of mine.
Great, it's a deal.
See you at my yoga class in November.
Good. Can't wait.
-I want to go to yoga, too.
-Buzz off.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Your stay here is free of charge.
Mr. Rittner said so.
Just sign the restaurant bill for me.
Here at the bottom.
Just check if it's okay.
Two staff meals?
The lentils, sure, but broccoli gratin?
We're serving the broccoli today.
Today you'll be off duty.
Unlike yesterday. So I thought…
That's true.
I'll sign you up, then.
Well, I'll go say goodbye
to Mr. Rittner and I'll be on my way.
Alone, right?
Sorry, you were saying?
You two go have more staff meals,
end that war. This time for real.
It's a funny!
A funny? What was the punch line?
Don't develop relationships,
enjoy the broccoli.
How about Patrika's tablet, detective?
Nineteen accidents, perfectly described.
Whether it was intent or negligence,
Mr. Cuddle is in big trouble.
So are you happy now?
If people here hadn't been lying
I could have been happy long ago.
Boo!
-Shit.
-I'm back, my love.
After a good sleep, fit as a fiddle.
We're together again, my love.
Things can go back to normal.
Yay.
-Helena!
-Just no more hugs, please. No hugs.
-Why the hell not?
-We're advocating a new concept.
We're offering our guests some distance.
-Nonsense. Where is Dr. Cuddle?
-We got him. And I'm leaving.
Detective, well…
It's been a pleasure.
This is the first time I met
someone pleased by CSI but…
it sounds nice.
Could you give me a lift?
Gladly.
But I'm perfectly capable of driving.
That's good, Bedrich.
Drive carefully, then.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Helena, wait!
Where do you think you're going?
Do you understand this?
We go everywhere together.
Give it some time.
It's just that the tablet--
Did you say you'd never practiced
any martial arts?
Not even a few lessons?
-Say, on November 3rd?
-One more time, okay?
My left hand grabs the attacker's arm,
my right hand tilts his head back
so he loses his orientation.
I slide down his neck and step back,
and turn him towards me. Girls,
you need to squeeze the neck hard.
He'll fall asleep whether he wants to,
or not. Let's get into pairs now.
Cuddle, it's me. Helena is
at a self-defense course with Monika.
-It is called "sealing the breath".
-No, just her. It's not my thing.
The brain not only loses oxygen,
the whole circulation collapses.
Don't worry, no loosening.
I've got it under control.
Just mind the neck. It's dangerous.
That could end up really badly.
Doctor, don't distress me.
You know if she left it'd kill me.
Very good, Helena.
Come on. Don't be scared.
I'm going home.
Zounar is waiting on me there.