Kurt Metzger: White Precious (2014) - full transcript
Kurt Metzger stand-up special.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kurt Metzger!
- Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Whoo.
All right.
All right, all right.
Now you're just
putting pressure on me.
All right,
I hope this goes good.
Sometimes it goes very wrong,
you know?
Like six months ago...
I'll never forget this.
I get onstage.
I go, "What's up, dude?"
To, like, a guy, like,
where you're sitting,
and then he looked upset...
Like, upset at me.
And everybody got weird.
And then I looked at him better,
and it was a lesbian.
It was a woman, okay?
Honest mistake.
But it was... it looks like
I'm just mean to lesbians,
like that's the guy I am.
Come out,
calling you a dude face.
I don't act that way.
So I start trying to apologize.
I go, "Ma'am, I am so sorry.
"I have a light in my eyes,
all right?
"I'm not making a lesbian joke.
"I support you
"and your lifestyle.
I see you're a woman.
Please, forgive me."
And then
in, like, the saddest voice,
she goes,
"But I am a man."
Because it was a man.
Thought it was a lesbian.
No.
It was a very devastated man.
Never hurt someone that bad
in my entire life,
trying my hardest.
Guy had a vest on.
What are you gonna do, right?
Coming in wearing a vest.
I'm not gonna think
you're a lesbian?
That's how it works
in your world?
And one time I go on,
just 'cause I was in Brooklyn,
you know,
in, like, a hip room
with these young...
I don't... I don't gel with them.
And so there's a guy
sitting in front
with a sea captain hat on,
like, a little sea captain hat,
like a little...
And a little captain jacket.
And I make one joke
about his hat...
And by the way, not...
He wasn't wearing this
for honest gay reasons,
you know, like, really,
like, acceptable...
Perfectly acceptable.
You're gay.
"You're gay?
Fantastic hat, sir.
Let's... you know what?
I respect your hat."
No, he was on a date.
He was trying to get pussy
with that hat, dude.
That was a pussy-gettin'
captain hat.
So I make one joke
about his hat.
And then he goes like this,
"Really?"
Like... like I'm out of line.
If you saw...
This guy looked like
he flew on a hot air balloon
to, like, teach kids about
reading at the show.
I don't even know
what he was doing there.
But I'm crazy to say something.
And by the way... I don't know.
I'm not better than anybody,
okay?
I don't care how you dress.
Like, I understand
you have to dress
a certain kind of way
to get a certain kind of tail.
That is what
you have to do, right?
If you're trying to get...
This is hipster town...
Trying to land yourself a girl
that dresses like
the world's youngest grandma.
You can't just
not wear a sea captain hat
when you do that.
Got to have a captain hat.
Just doing that...
But just wink at me.
I'm not also a dippy girl
with purple hair...
Like, you understand?
I'm not enchanted
by your whimsy,
'cause I also have a penis.
So just, like, acknowledge...
Like, "I know, dude.
I'm just...
"I'm trying to trick this...
"I'm trying to trick this woman
into sitting on my penis,
so I had to"...
You know, just when you have
to wear a knit cap indoors
with a little hair
coming out of the top,
and you look like
you cobble dildos for a living,
just go, "Hey, I know.
"I'm trying to spend
too much time
banging a girl
with Bunsen Honeydew glasses."
Yeah, but that's like
when people have a type.
You know, I don't...
Do you have a type
that you go for?
No?
Me neither, man.
I don't have
those kind of privileges.
To have my type.
I just got to cast my net
and catch what I catch.
Sometimes it's fresh young tuna.
Sometimes it's an old boot.
I'm just grateful to the ocean
for providing me another day.
"And old, bald tire, Ocean?
"Thank you.
I'm gonna use
every part of this tire."
So anyway, the point is,
this is gonna be
a huge disappointment,
so, like, just so you understand
the level of how disappointing
this is gonna be...
This next hour.
It's gonna feel like
the first time you saw
the real Wendy
on that Wendy's commercial,
when, like...
Like,
Wendy revealed herself.
"It's me, Wendy!"
Wow.
Wow, Wendy.
With the pigtails, Wendy,
from the tablecloth at Wendy's?
"Yeah, that Wendy."
She was on for one week,
real Wendy, and then they...
Some PR person at Wendy's
was like,
"We got to fix
this situation. Now."
And they got a younger,
hotter Wendy
and three new salads,
like, right after that.
Is that so mean?
That's very mean.
You know, everybody
gets old and fat... everybody.
It's just... it was just, like,
such an abrupt...
Like, you weren't there
for the transition.
It was like, little Wendy...
And like, "I'm here."
And you're like, "What?"
You know?
But unlike that,
there's not gonna be,
like, a funnier, hotter
Kurt coming.
Like, it's just this.
It's just this the whole time.
Let's just figure out
some ground rules
with this crowd
so just I know what's okay.
What do you guys think
the worst curse word is to say?
- Cunt.
- Yeah.
You answered that very quickly,
and that was the right answer.
The C word!
It's a terrible word.
That's the one my mom
told me to never say.
I wasn't even saying it.
She just kicked open the door
to my room...
"Don't say 'cunt'!
Please!"
Very important to her.
But it is the worst word.
Right?
You guys look like a nice...
Are you a couple?
If I call her that, you're gonna
have to fight me right now...
You.
You're gonna have to climb
on this stage,
guy who kind of looks like
Bruno Mars,
and fistfight me.
That's gonna happen.
Call people "cunt"?
But if I call you a dick,
she don't have to do nothing.
She can just laugh at you
and also call you a dick,
you know?
On TV, they're gonna bleep
all the "cunts" I just said,
but "dick"... that's gonna come
right over the air,
me calling you a dick.
And what are you even gonna do
about it?
Nothing, 'cause you're a dick.
That's what.
Is that fair to you?
It's not.
That is not fair.
Right?
'Cause that's the same insult
as cunt.
That's not a different insult.
"You are genitals."
That's the same message
of insult.
But "cunt" is so much worse
for some reason.
Why is that?
I'll tell you why.
It's because "dick"
is also a nickname,
and that is why.
It just comes down to that.
It could be Richard,
so there you go.
Nobody's like, "I'm Catherine,
but call me Cunt!"
Nobody says that.
"Really?
Can I call you Cathy?"
"Cathy?
That's my mom's name!
I'm Cunt!"
That Cunt's a real character,
guys.
She really...
All right, that's too much
of that word.
Um...sorry.
Do you watch
"Toddlers and Tiaras"?
Does anybody watch that?
Yeah?
It's about the child pageants,
which is a very American thing,
child beauty pageants.
Is anybody not from America
at all in here?
One of you?
Are you all American?
'Cause I was just...
I had to explain it in Canada
to people,
'cause they don't...
Like, they don't know
what it is.
They don't do that.
So you have to explain
to foreigners.
"Hey, look.
Here's what it is.
"In America,
"we have beautiful children,
"so that's... there you go.
"We have to have a contest
'cause we have hot kids.
"I don't... what do you want me
to tell you?
"Sorry if you're not
going through the same thing.
"Hey, sorry to hear about
"your unfuckable children,
Canada.
We got to live our lives."
It is weird, though.
And so this one mom
got in trouble
because she put big fake tits
on her five-year-old daughter
for the talent...
Well, it was for
the talent part of the show.
And she had to have a talent.
"Quick, we need a talent."
Big fake tits
and a big fake ass,
and she comes out
and does a booty dance
for the... and she got
in legal trouble.
She might lose custody
of her daughter for that now,
which is so unfair,
because that woman is a genius.
That's really...
That's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard of.
Tits on a five-year-old
at a pageant?
You never thought of anything
that good
in your whole life, dude.
You've never once
had an idea that good, ever.
What's the big fear
about these pageants?
It's pedophiles.
Pedophiles, right?
So what better way
to hide your child
from a pedophile
than to disguise her
as a voluptuous lady?
That is...
They don't want to see that.
Big-ass titties?
Pedophiles hate that.
It's, like, ruining
the whole point
of being a pedophile.
I'll bet every pedophile
left that pageant in disgust.
"Shame on you, ma'am!
"That is a child!
A beautiful, beautiful child!"
That's gross.
But that's what
a pedophile says, you know?
That's not me saying that.
That's what a pedophile says.
I don't say things like that.
I'm like, "Hey, let's get
some tits on this kid
"and get her out there.
See what she can do."
I'm, like,
the opposite of a pedophile.
I like kids with fat tits.
I'm not gonna apologize
for not being a pedophile.
Do you ever watch
the adult pageants?
Adult beauty pageants?
But just when
they have to answer questions
and they sound dumb?
Yeah, that's mean.
That's mean.
You're mean to do that.
Remember that Miss Utah
who was on YouTube just recently
'cause she answered...
They asked her a question,
and she said,
"Women need to do more better,"
something like that.
And everybody was making fun
of her.
And women do need to do
more better.
She's not wrong.
You don't need to do
more better?
But why would you ask
those questions
at a beauty pageant?
Why are there
smarty-pants questions
at a pretty contest?
That's...
I think that's the question.
That's not fair.
"I have to... what's the point
of having fake tits
"if I have to know things
on top of that?
"You tell me what's...
What that money's for.
You can't just be a specialist?
That's not allowed?"
That's not fair.
That's like if you took
Supreme Court Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsburg;
that is the second woman
in history
ever nominated
to the Supreme Court.
That's a very high achievement,
and she's a role model
for girls, okay?
And if at the hearing, they go,
"Okay, Ruth Bader Ginsberg,
great legal answers.
"Great job.
"But now we're coming
to the swimsuit portion
"of the confirmation,
"so you're gonna have to put
this two-piece on,
"and let's see
how well-rounded you are.
Yeah, you know about the law.
Whoop-dee-doo."
She comes out all nervous,
covering...
And just point.
"Yeah, that's your beach body,
"Ruth Bader Ginsberg?
"Think you're gonna be a Justice
with those tits?
"Is that what you thought?
You're...
You're a role model."
Do you watch...
By the way,
most of this will be about
things I watched.
Do you watch
"Beyond Scared Straight"?
It's about
the Scared Straight Program.
You know what that is?
Scared Straight.
It's a program.
Let's say you have
a really bad kid...
Like, really bad.
You know, like, they smoke weed
and everything.
What are you gonna do
with this kid?
You take 'em to prison
for the night.
And then they have the prisoners
threaten them with rape
until they're good...
Till they're good children.
That's the whole program.
Yeah, that's perfectly fine
to do that.
"You like smoking weed?
You're gonna smoke this dick!"
They're screaming at the child.
Right?
And there's, like,
a guard going,
"You should listen to him,
De'Shawnthony.
"We don't do our job
at this prison.
"You are gonna get raped.
I make $12 an hour.
I'm not stopping rapes."
And the kid don't even care.
He's just laughing.
He don't care.
I'm at home;
I'm putting out a joint
and starting my homework
in terror.
I think I'm gonna
have to smoke dick.
Yeah.
'Cause you can't scare...
You can't scare anyone straight.
That's the whole... if you're...
That's what sociopaths...
They can't...
They don't feel fear
like normal people.
What do you worry...
If you go to prison,
what do you worry about,
of the things
you've heard about prison?
Yeah, that's right,
getting raped in prison.
Yeah?
Right?
You know, I mean,
you're not even saying
the thing.
You're like, "The showers...
Dropping the soap."
You don't even speak
the name of the crime;
it's so scary.
Right?
And because you're normal.
That's what a normal person
worries about
if they're going to prison.
Like, a good person
is worried about that.
But guess what?
There is a bunch of people
in prison
doing these rapes.
So that means there's, like,
a whole other segment
of the population that,
if you bring up prison to them,
they're, like, all happy.
They're like, "Man,
"you know the best part
about prison?
"You can just rape
any dude you want!
"They don't stop you.
By the way, I just got $500
taken out of my bank account.
I was in San Diego,
and I got a jaywalking ticket.
Well, it was $200, the ticket.
But when I got it, I was like,
"Fuck your city and your laws.
"And you... this cop...
You got a better shot
of seeing Jesus blow Buddha
than me pay you $200."
"What do you think of that?"
And, yeah,
so they just take that
out of your bank account.
You have to pay that.
You absolutely have to pay
that ticket.
Don't think
you're not paying it,
'cause in San Diego,
it's a whole new world.
But I got pulled over walking.
I was drunk walking,
which is what I thought
you were supposed to do,
by the way.
Minding my business.
Yeah.
Has that ever happened to you
in New York?
You got pulled over on foot
and issued a jaywalking ticket?
No, because cops
have shit to do here.
It's a little different
than San Diego.
They have to stop and frisk
every black man
who's ever lived here twice,
so they don't have time
for my white jaywalkings
in this town.
There's a lot
of black people here.
But this oinker looked me
right in my face, this pig,
and wrote me
a $200 jaywalking ticket.
Like that's okay?
I shouldn't... and also,
I know I shouldn't call him...
Shouldn't call him a pig.
Because the guy's
just doing his job, right?
That's how you're supposed
to take that.
He's doing his job,
like an Auschwitz guard,
basically.
Like a Nazi
concentration camp guard!
All right, that's too much.
Sorry.
That is... no, not like that.
That's really a bad...
That's way out of line, okay?
My ticket and the Holocaust
are not...
They're not in the same...
It's just a lot of money.
It's a lot of money, dude.
But I know it's not
a fair comparison,
because, let's face it,
not even Hitler would charge
a guy 200 fucking dollars
for fucking jaywalking, right?
Even a sack of shit
like Adolf Hitler
would have the Christianity...
The basic Christianity
to not charge $200
for jaywalking.
I saw every Hitler show
on the History Channel,
and he committed
every evil crime you can commit,
except overcharge
for jaywalking.
So congratulations
to the city of San Diego
on finishing the work of Hitler.
That's more than fair.
That is more than fair.
Yeah.
No one has suffered
more than me.
God.
I hope that lesbian guy's okay,
you know?
Honestly.
You think that guy's okay?
He probably killed himself,
right?
Like, I hope not, man.
What hurts worse than that?
If I just think you're a man,
then a woman,
then a man that... really quick.
I bullied someone to death.
That's what I think happened.
Got to be so careful
because people just...
You know, these kids
just kill themselves now.
That's what they do.
They just kill themselves
'cause their, you know,
computers are too mean.
It's just a different world
of much meaner computers
than they used to be.
I don't know.
I didn't have that
when I was a kid.
I had a computer,
but we didn't have, like...
Not like that, like...
I had to walk, like,
three miles to school every day
just to be called a fag.
Do you know that?
I had...
I didn't have
a magic box in my room
that answers all the questions
of the universe
and calls you a fag.
We didn't have that.
I had to get some fresh air
and exercise,
stretch my legs.
Didn't have all that stuff.
You ever get cyberbullied
as an adult?
It just happened to me
on Facebook.
I was cyberbullied.
A guy went on my wall
and called me a lazy writer.
That's... that's bullying.
That's what that was.
Tried to bully me.
Couldn't remember
that guy's name,
but fuck that guy.
That's the main part.
Could have killed myself, sir.
By the way, you do notice
it's, like,
all white nerd suicides.
You notice that?
They're all white.
Like, you don't really see...
I mean, maybe black nerds
kill themselves,
but I don't really see that.
You just don't see it.
Why do you suppose that is,
that they're all white?
'Cause black nerds
don't get those kind of
opportunities.
That's why.
Get depressed from their
home fag-bashing computer?
They don't have...
Black nerds get shot
by gangs and neighborhood watch.
It's the truth.
I agree.
It's terrible.
It's unfortunate.
You watch the news, right?
You watch the local news?
"Tragedy!
In the part
that you don't go to!"
And a kid with a graduation hat
who was shot.
That guy?
What...
Every time a gang
shoots at another gang,
they miss
and hit a promising black nerd.
Right?
It happens every time.
If you're black
and you have a scholarship,
my advice is, buy a vest
and lay low for a little bit.
Let the scholarship blow over,
because...
They got Urkel-seeking bullets
that are gonna find you
reading a...
Yeah.
Black nerds.
Gangsters.
It's how I consider them.
Right?
You ever see
Neil deGrasse Tyson?
The astronomer?
The black king of planets,
Neil deGrasse Tyson?
You know who that is.
The guy's great.
He's amazing.
That guy is a gangster, dude.
There is no telling
how many people he had to stab
just to live long enough
to tell you about his love
of planets and shit.
There is no telling
what that man had to do.
Just lost my iPad, by the way.
I'm going through some things
on my... myself.
I lost my iPad.
Actually, I lost it
when Steve Jobs died
two years ago, but I haven't
gotten over it.
I'll be honest with you.
The day he died, iPad was gone.
I didn't know... I had no idea
what was going on.
At first I thought it was, like,
an iPad rapture,
and, like,
he was just taking all the iPads
to turtleneck heaven.
He was gone;
my iPad's gone.
That's all I knew.
I started screaming
like a little girl.
It turned out, by the way,
I was just drunk,
and I left in a cab.
That was the actual...
It wasn't an iPad rapture.
I was just drunk.
But I screamed and screamed
like a baby
'cause I lost an iPad.
What do you even
compare that to,
that kind of emotion
over an object?
This is the best thing
I can liken it to.
It was like
I was from Afghanistan,
and I heard that a Koran,
a holy Koran,
got burned by mistake.
Like, that... like, that upset.
Like, I get it now.
And by the way,
don't burn a Koran.
Just don't burn anything.
You're just a moron
if you just burn things
in protest.
But you burn a Koran,
someone's gonna get killed.
So don't do that, okay?
It's a bit much
if someone has to die for that,
though, a little bit, right?
Like, I lost an iPad.
I lost...
There's a thing called
perspective, okay?
I lost a very expensive iPad.
How hard is it
to get a new Koran?
And I'm not saying
that it's good or bad
or anything like that.
Okay, I don't want to be killed
with a curvy sword after this.
I'm saying...
I'm just saying,
if you need a new Koran,
what are the difficulties
in making that happen?
It's not like every year,
a new Koran comes out,
and it's $600, right?
That's not your situation,
is it?
And you get one,
and you find out
there's a much better Koran
coming out tomorrow
with, like, double the virgins
and a better camera,
and the dude doesn't say nothing
at the Koran store,
conveniently.
My iPad had a Koran on it.
That's how amazing an iPad is.
I... it was also a Koran.
I lost a Koran and "Angry Birds"
in one shot.
You understand what I lost?
I had my whole day planned out.
People are unfair to Muslims
also, though,
aren't they a little bit?
This is a really good example.
The Ground Zero mosque.
Do you remember that?
Everybody was so mad
because they were gonna build
a mosque
just kind of near Ground Zero.
And then everybody acted
like they were building it
on the hole...
On the 9/11 hole.
Remember how angry...
"They're building a mosque
on the Twin Towers!
With the bones of firemen
as bricks!"
"The new Freedom Tower's
gonna be a mosque!"
All right, yeah,
that's what I heard,
and I went like,
"Wow. Seriously?"
"That project really
got away from us, didn't it?
"Holy smokes.
How did we mess that up
that bad?"
But I didn't get upset.
That's fine with me.
Build a mosque on the 9/11 hole.
I don't give a shit.
If it was up to me,
I would build a mosque
on every important building
that we have,
just for protection, basically.
It's not hard to think your way
out of a problem
and not be a bigot
for five seconds.
It's a great idea.
And we should call
all of our planes "mosques"
from now on.
That's part two of my plan.
A beautiful, safe sky mosque.
Now, that would be a real crime,
to blow up a sky mosque.
Yeah.
That'll... I'd fix
that whole situation, right?
'Cause you already
have to take your shoes off,
so you're right there.
You're almost to mosque
right now.
Just putting 'em back on
is the whole pain in the ass
of that...
Do you guys have jobs,
by the way?
What do you do?
I don't know.
I don't have a job.
This is all I do.
Not that it's so great,
but it's just too late now
to not do this, so...
I used to live
in Bushwick, Brooklyn,
with no job.
Had a mattress on the floor
and two towels...
One to jerk off in
and one to use as a towel.
Yeah, it's a simple life.
And sometimes I'd come out
of the shower,
realize too late I made
the wrong choice of towels.
Buy different colored towels,
everyone.
That's what we learn from that.
But I watch people with jobs
on TV sometimes.
Do you watch all those kind of
reality job shows?
Like "Slippery Driving" and...
And, "Scary Fishing"?
Yeah, well, that's why
those shows are there,
'cause there's not enough jobs,
so that's, like,
your fantasy now, is,
you have to watch other people
have a job
like it's pornography.
"Man, he's just working
the hell out of that job.
That's really...
He's hitting that job hard."
Do you know what Walmart's doing
for veterans
who don't have jobs?
If you're a veteran
coming back from
Iraq or Afghanistan right now
and you don't have job,
you can go to any Walmart
and automatically get a job
at Walmart,
which is nice of Walmart.
But, you know, like...
In those commercials
for the Army,
they kind of make it sound
like when you get out,
you don't have to work
at Walmart.
They do.
They do lead you to believe
a little bit.
"I'm going to college
and have the"...
You'll have the tech
and leadership skills
of today's market,
to not work at Walmart.
Not that it's so bad
to work at Walmart.
I don't have to down you
if you work at Walmart.
I'm just saying
that's an extremely long way
to go to get to a job
at Walmart.
You really took
the longest route possible
to that Walmart job, man.
Another way to automatically
get hired at Walmart...
Apply to any Walmart.
You also have that option.
You don't have to have
"Zero Dark Thirty"
and basic training
to get to a job
folding $7 sweatpants
in the husky teen section.
Navy SEAL, a trained killer,
killer hands folding...
Sitting there like...
"You tracked
and killed Bin Laden?
"Cool. Listen.
"Right now, I need you
to track down
"this missing case
of rainbow pens that...
"we... we've gone dark
on these pens.
Get those goggles on
and really"...
What do you think happened
to the economy?
Here's what I think happened.
I'm not smart, like I said,
but this is what I think.
Did you ever play "Monopoly"
with your family
and been in charge of the bank
and not stolen money
from the bank?
Did anybody not?
Not 'cause you're even
a bad person.
Just... you got a little behind
on Ventnor or whatever,
you know.
You're a good person.
Got a little behind,
and then you were gonna
put the money back.
The second you passed "Go,"
you were gonna put it back.
Things just got out of hand.
Did anybody not do that
in this whole room?
No, not one?
Yeah.
So that's how all of you
apparently would treat
your whole...
Your family for...
To get some toy money,
that's what you would do
to your own family.
So just now imagine
it's a real bank
with real money,
and you're playing
against strangers
that you don't even
give a shit about.
How well do you think
you would do in that position,
seeing as how you would
step on your own mother's throat
for an orange $500 bill?
How well do you think
you'd do with...
And that is how
the economy works.
By the way, can I tell you guys
about this book I read
that has changed my life?
It's called "Mountain,
Get Out of My Way"
by Montel Williams.
Have you...
In this room right now,
have you had a chance to read
"Mountain, Get Out of My Way"?
Do you know the book?
It's from 1996.
It's an older book.
Montel is on the cover,
like, looking right at you
like you're a mountain,
and he said
to get out of his way.
You know, he's waiting,
'cause mountains don't
get out of your way,
so you're just...
"Just gonna sit there,
mountain?"
"You win this round,
mountain."
Yeah.
Well, this is the best part.
"Mountain,
Get Out of My Way."
If you missed your chance,
go on Amazon.
One cent!
You're not just gonna see,
for one cent,
what Montel has to tell you?
For one penny?
He's more than
meeting you halfway here, guys.
He can't go lower than that.
You're gonna have to
put some effort in now.
Well, guess what.
You can't even get a copy
'cause I bought
every remaining copy for $50.
I got 5,000 copies
of "Mountain, Get Out of My Way"
right now.
It's a lot.
They're just, like,
in a mountain right now
in front of my roommate's door.
He can't get in his room,
and he's always...
Comes in yelling at me.
"How am I supposed
to get around this, Kurt?"
Like, "The answer's
in your hand, dude.
"Open it up.
I can't do your work for you.
Let Montel mon-tell you
the answer."
Yeah, that's what I say.
To my roommate, Steve,
I said that.
Doesn't that sound so gay?
"My roommate, Steve"?
Just like... that's, like,
the gayest sentence I ever said.
Sounds gay.
But we're not gay.
But it sounds pretty gay.
I wish I could
hold my head up high
and say that's what it is,
you know?
But I'm just 36,
and I have to have a roommate,
and I live in
Washington Heights,
and I have no insurance.
So it's the reality.
I might lie to my mom
and say we're gay
to dress it up a little bit.
She's worried about me.
Mom, I will get insurance
through Steve's work
when this country
changes its attitude
about our love.
Stop...
Yeah.
But it sounds very gay.
"My roommate, Steve."
That sounds like the title
of a children's book
to teach kids about gayness,
doesn't it?
This new kind of...
"My Roommate, Steve."
Sometimes Uncle Kurt comes over
with his roommate, Steve,
and they press lips
like mommies and daddies.
I go, "Why, Mommy?"
'Cause Uncle Kurt
needs insurance real bad.
That's why.
The end.
The end.
Are you guys... how do you feel
about gay marriage?
You guys for gay marriage?
Good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not for that,
but, you know.
Whatever you guys are into.
Whatever you're into, man.
Yeah, I'm not for that.
I know... everybody's like,
"What's the big deal?
"Who are they hurting?
"Two people love each other.
How does it hurt us,
right?"
Well, I'll tell you
how it hurts us.
If you're not from here,
from America,
you might not understand this,
but it takes God's protection
off our nation.
Do you understand that?
I know... it's probably
a big joke to you, but...
Fancy city atheists.
Right?
"Who cares"...
We got a Constitution
that he gave us,
and part of it...
A big part of it...
Is that you got to use
your holes the right way.
I'm sorry to tell you.
So I'm not gonna tell you
what you want to hear.
God watches your holes all day,
like, literally, morning...
till night.
That's any... any religion.
That is 3/4 of your religion,
is,
you got to use your holes
the right way.
'Cause the Creator
of the infinite universe
who made star...
The universe is huge.
It's gigantic.
And God's, like, even bigger.
He made... he's bigger than that.
And then, like, the...
Like, the earth's not even...
It's, like, on the tip.
You know, like,
right on the edge of his finger
like that, and then...
Then he just watches
your asshole through a...
Like... he has, like,
a jeweler loupe.
Like, "What?
Let's see.
"Let's see what my creation
is up to
"with those buttholes
"that I was nice enough
to give them.
"Probably just pooping
out of them
"like they're supposed to.
Let me just take a..."
And it flies out of his eye.
His yarmulke falls off his head;
he's so upset.
"That's not how I said
to do that!
"You just voided
the warranty, pal.
"I hope you're happy.
"I'm not fixing that for you.
"That's not normal
wear and tear,
"what you just did.
"That's not normal.
"I didn't think
I had to write instructions
for your poop hole."
So then we lose protection.
Then we lose protection.
And then what happens is,
let's say we live next door
together,
and you're a good Christian guy,
doing what you're supposed to
with your wife,
just living, reading your Bible,
slaying pussy
like Christ commanded,
not thinking about wieners.
And then I live next door
to you.
I'm just getting my asshole
whaled on day after day.
You're sitting there
in your family home...
A parade of dudes coming in,
just stretching me out, dude,
and, like, you just hear it
all the time
'cause the walls are thin.
You just hear
a man's head just...
There's a man behind him
just ripping his crinkle
in half,
and you're just sitting there
trying to ignore
the sodomy.
You're trying to read
Paul's letter to the Corinthians
and ignore it,
just doing the right thing.
Right?
So then when the sky Jew
sends his fire down,
we both die.
You understand?
I don't want to be
collateral damage
in God's homo drone strikes.
And I don't think
I'm out of line to say that.
Think about other people.
Think about other people
instead of thinking with
your gaping winker.
You know, gay...
This is in all seriousness.
I don't know if you know
a lot of gay people,
but if you know any gay men,
ask them.
They don't really do
all this anal
that everyone thinks.
You know that?
Everybody thinks
it's like a big ass party
they're having all day.
That's what everybody thinks,
but they don't really do that.
Like, ask somebody.
Half or more,
what I've been told,
don't do any anal anything...
Just oral and hand jobs
and middle school girl
bullshit, basically.
Shocking and a little bit
disappointing,
to be honest with you.
Thought they were
a lot cooler than that.
No anal.
If I was gay, I wouldn't put up
with that shit
for two seconds, dude.
Be like, "Bro, where's the anal?
"We're gay.
"This is what you call gay?
"I can do this at football camp.
"I came here to break out
the skoosh,
"and let's do this.
Get that squatch out."
Yeah.
Here, let me family it up
a little bit.
That is... here's how
out of line that is.
That's like
if you had someone over
for Thanksgiving dinner
and then just served
mashed potatoes the whole dinner
and nothing else.
And then you're the guest...
You're just sitting there,
a guest at that...
Just having plate after plate
of mashed potatoes.
Like, "Okay, is the turkey
coming eventually,
"because it's Thanksgiving?
That's what you do
on Thanksgiving."
And you're like,
"I'm just comfortable
making mashed potatoes.
I'm not ready to make
a turkey."
Be like, "All right, well,
I want potatoes.
"That's a big part of it,
"but that ain't what
this holiday is about,
"ultimately.
It's about moist turkey...
Moist, gaping turkey."
Think I got to explain
Thanksgiving to you.
Yeah.
And also I think you should
consider this, you know.
How many just terrible things
happen in the world...
Just, like, genocides
and atrocities in the world,
all that stuff...
How much of that
do you think is caused
when... by somebody who was gay
and they couldn't just be gay?
And they, like,
pushed it down, right,
and it made them crazy,
and they took it out
on the world,
and then a terrible thing
happened that killed... right?
How many things, do you think?
My guess is all of them.
Like, all of everything
that's ever happened.
That's what I guess.
So just let people be...
Do what they want, right?
Just... "Isn't world peace worth
a few destroyed buttholes?"
is my only message.
And I know
that's a heavy thing to say,
because let's face it,
straight man ass virginity
is the most precious virginity.
The most sacred virginity
of all virginity
is a straight man's asshole.
Yeah.
You thought your vagina?
You think your...
You think your stupid pussy
is even close to my untouched...
You think that?
What's wrong with you?
My butthole's worth
1,000 teenage Mormon vaginas.
That's how valuable
this virginity right here is,
this little piece of property
right here.
'Cause you might be saving
your vagina for marriage
or something stupid.
Well, guess what.
I'm saving my asshole
for no one.
And I'm gonna be in heaven,
all glorious.
Just gonna be in heaven,
watching over you,
my beautiful...
That happens a lot.
So come out of the closet.
That's what I'm saying.
I came out of the closet.
You know that?
For being straight, though.
'Cause I was...
I used to be a minister.
I was a Jehovah's Witness,
right?
And I was a minister.
Did I mention that?
I was a minister.
And... yeah.
That's how I know so much
about God.
You did not just hear
that discourse
of a guy who's trained
in theology?
Like, a guy who gets it?
But when I was six,
I used to knock on doors
when I was six years old,
which... that sounds,
like, dangerous,
to go to a stranger's house now.
I mean, I was with an adult,
but it's still, like, a...
It just sounds dangerous.
But you don't hear about
Jehovah's Witnesses
getting, like, grabbed up
by a maniac.
You never hear about it,
because nobody wants to talk
to Jehovah's Witnesses.
Even a maniac
with a severed human head
will hide behind his couch
with the...
"You think they're gone?
"Why would they do this
to people
"at 9:00 in the morning?
I got stuff to do,
you know?"
Yeah.
So I had to come out
of the closet for pussy, dude.
'Cause in the Bible...
If anybody was raised Christian,
if you're not married
and you have heterosexual sex,
that's as bad as being gay.
It's the same level...
Like, if you're just
having normal,
like, missionary,
whatever you do... whatever...
Just regular, you know,
nothing crazy?
That, you might as well
have shit on her tits
in the eyes of God.
That is what it says.
I'm paraphrasing,
but that is what it says.
It's... it's disgusting.
So my whole family
was gonna stop talking to me,
and I had to admit to my mom...
I had to call on the phone,
and I got to tell you...
I don't understand
what the problem is.
If you're wrestling with it,
like, just man the fuck up.
It's not hard, okay?
It wasn't hard for me.
'Cause let's face it,
if you're into it,
pussy is so much better
than your family, isn't it?
Like...
Your annoying family,
pain-in-the-ass family.
Put them right there
and then think of pussy, right?
Like, it took me two minutes
to make that decision.
"Hey, Mom, I'm out!
Fist pump!
Jersey!"
Click.
You can't just do that?
I get along with my mom
great now, though.
But we got in an argument
not too long ago,
'cause she thinks...
She thought...
I don't know
if she thinks it now.
She thought vaccinations
cause autism
because she saw MTV scientist
Jenny McCarthy.
Can't ignore that.
When Jenny McCarthy...
Something falls out of her face?
You got to listen to that,
right?
And by the way, it turned out
Jenny McCarthy's son,
thank God, by the way,
was not autistic, okay?
He was just half Canadian,
and it looks...
It can fool people.
But... yeah.
My mom was like,
"Well, where did all this autism
come from, then?
"You know, there was no autism
when I was in school,
right?"
Because they didn't know
how to diagnose autism properly,
and that's why.
You used to just call
those kids nerds.
You remember that?
There was a lot more nerds
and much less autistic kids,
and then they figured out
that you have to treat
those children
instead of just whaling
dodgeballs at them
in gym class,
which is the original treatment
for childhood autism.
Do you know how lucky you are
if you are autistic now
and not 30 years ago?
Some gym teacher...
"This kid is not dodging."
"He's just counting the balls.
"Like... I mean, I'm not a doctor,
but I think this is...
I think we got a nerd
on our hands."
I'm trying to quit smoking.
It's really...
I almost was about to quit
because of Terry the smoker.
Do you remember her?
The lady with the hole
in her throat on TV?
Yeah, that was a good ad,
because it really...
She takes half her face off
on the thing, and it...
And they ran that all day long,
and I'd be by my window smoking,
and then she would come on.
I'll never forget what she said.
Do you remember her message?
She goes...
Touche, Terry.
Wow.
Great point, Terry.
Thank you for saving my life
right now.
God bless Terry.
Yeah.
That's effective.
That's a very effective message.
And then...
But now what happened is...
She passed away, sadly,
so now they replaced her
with this new guy, okay?
I was really feeling Terry.
This new guy, Nathan...
You ever seen Nathan?
Do you know Nathan?
Nathan... here's Nathan's story.
And they use the same music
and background.
Nathan is Native American,
and he used to love to do
his native dances,
and he had too much
secondhand smoke at his job,
and now he can't dance
as much as he would like to.
The end.
That's the... yeah.
Really?
Okay.
After the lady
with the hole in her throat,
you're gonna go with Nathan's
fake dancing problems.
Let's not pretend
like that's the hardest dance
in the world, Nathan.
You're just stomping
in a circle.
It's not the Harlem Shake,
buddy.
And also, Nathan's 400 pounds.
Really, Nathan?
It was the secondhand smoke
at work,
that's why you don't dance
as much?
Is that what you tell the tribe
when they want to dance
with you?
Like, "You guys go ahead.
"I'm gonna be by this buffet
"just firsthand face-fucking
a plate of biscuits.
"While you keep
our traditions alive,
"I'll be here,
mashing food in my face.
Smoke."
And whose job has
that much secondhand smoke
in modern times,
enough to make you not dance?
Wow, you don't think...
All right, do you think
it was this...
And I hope it's not this,
and if it is this,
I'm gonna apologize to Nathan
and everyone here right now.
God forbid.
You don't think his job was,
like,
he had to stand really still
in a cigar store?
We don't do that to them, do we?
No, if that's what happened,
I apologize.
I am sorry...
If they did that to him
and he had to stand...
"Just stand there, Nathan!
Hold still while I smoke,
Nathan!"
"Please, I want to dance
my native dances."
"Shut up, Nathan!"
It's not that.
It's not that.
Did any of you guys buy
a "Rolling Stone"...
Collector's item probably...
"Rolling Stone"
of that Boston bomber kid?
When you read their names
for the first time,
those two guys,
were you like me?
Were you like, "My God.
Dinosaurs did this to us?"
"Really?"
"Dokasaurus Triceratops
"and his brother,
Pterodactyl Triceratops,
"came to this nation
from millions of years ago...
"that's what you're telling me...
"and somehow made bombs.
I don't know.
I've seen it all now."
They caught those guys
pretty fast...
The Boston Marathon bombers.
But I was very impatient.
I was like, "How come
I don't know right now
who did this?"
Because they didn't leave
a note.
What's so hard about
just leaving a note
after you murder
a bunch of people?
Can you just leave a little
"This is why this happens,"
so I don't have to sit there
wondering what everybody's...
Right?
Is that hard?
Even a dick like Bin Laden
would drop you a mixtape
twice a year
and let you know.
You get a Christmas card
from your family.
You get a Bin Laden tape.
"What's up with you guys?"
"I'm gonna kill all of you,
"so keep an eye out for that.
"It's me.
When it happens,
this guy did it."
Little bit of courtesy
not to much to ask for.
I don't know...
Why do terrorists...
I don't understand why,
like, Al-Qaeda or any...
Why do they even plot against us
anymore?
Like, why do they bother?
Just, like, leave us
with our gun collection, man.
Like, we got this.
They don't have to... you know?
Don't you think, when
a terrible shooting happens,
like, every other week,
how it happens...
Do you ever think about
how that hurts Al-Qaeda,
like, how that hurts them
inside?
To just...
They had one hit in 2001
and nothing that good
ever again.
They can't even keep up
with, like,
American Asperger kids
in senseless murdering.
Isn't that... that's got
to hurt you a little bit.
Trying to make plans,
and you're like,
"All right, we're gonna go
"to a movie theater
and shoot everyone
"in that theater.
They...
They did that already?"
"What movie was it?
"The new 'Batman'?
"Like, they were coming out
of the movie,
"and then the guy...
"they didn't even
get to see the movie?
"By Allah, that's cold.
"You don't even let a guy...
"he stood in line all night.
"You're not gonna just let him
see if Bane's cool or not?
"I don't even know what to do,
man.
"I'm gonna just go back
to working at my dad's Wendy's
or something and...
My dad's airport Burger King."
I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
how many more white people
have to die
before we get serious
about gun control?
No, how many is enough
precious white people?
- Damn!
It's... it's enough!
- I mean, call me old-fashioned.
Hey.
Call me old-fashioned,
but when I was coming up
and something happened
to white people,
we did something about it.
We didn't argue.
Joke's a 50/50,
but I do it every time.
But I love guns.
I'm not gonna lie.
I do love guns,
because I wasn't allowed
to play with toy guns
when I was a kid.
My mom took, like... 'cause she...
A lot of people think like this.
If you play with guns,
violent video games and...
You're gonna be violent.
The stupidest... you're...
If you think that, in this room,
you're a moron.
You really are stupid.
There's...
No one has ever shot anyone
because they were having
a great time
doing something they loved.
That has never happened once
in human history.
That's never happened.
You don't attack and kill people
because of fun reasons.
You do it because of
not fun reasons,
like you got fired
or broken up with, right?
Or, like, One Direction
doesn't write you back,
let's say,
and you were with them
from the start.
From the start,
you were with them,
and they don't say nothing?
They give you a form letter?
Someone's getting shot for that.
Not fun reasons, right?
So my mom gave me...
She took all the guns...
She took all the guns
off of my "Star Wars" men
and then just gave me the men.
Here's some men to play with.
Those are action figures!
That's the action:
the gun.
That's the action part of...
Now it's a doll.
Now I have dolls.
Thanks for the dolls.
"Hey, Darth Vader,
I don't have a weapon.
Let's just make out
'cause Kurt's mom's a dick."
we can't be violent.
Remember how Luke had a sword...
His lightsaber
came out of his arm?
On the... and she just
took the lightsaber out,
and there's just...
Now he's got a flashlight.
That's... now he's got a little...
And gently...
And I went to Alaska, which...
I don't know
if you ever been there,
but if you ever get the chance
to go to Alaska,
go to Hawaii instead of Alaska.
I would say don't bother
with Alaska.
It's not... there's no reason
to be there.
It's... I don't know.
People think it's God's country
or something
'cause there's mountains.
I don't understand
how people think,
but it's more like
a letter from God
that he doesn't give a fuck
about you.
Those mountains kill you;
all that stuff kills you.
And then you meet the people,
and it's like a letter from God
that abortion is fine.
"Hey, take a mulligan.
It's no big loss."
No, it's... a guy asked...
I was in a suburban area,
and a dude asked me
to bum a needle.
Like a cigarette.
He asked me for a needle like...
I've lived in every borough
of New York.
That's never happened to me.
A passerby...
"Do you have a spare needle?"
It's... Yeah.
And it was, like,
an eight-to-one
male-to-female ratio
where I was.
Eight-to-one.
And that one ain't good.
You don't want that one.
But, very confident.
Very confident fat chick
with a sled dog name,
I must say.
Really, Blue?
You're too good for me?
All right.
Wait, wait.
I'm not anti fat chick,
and I hope that does not...
I'm not coming across that way,
because I'm pro fat chick, okay?
My numbers are pretty clear
that I'm pro fat chick.
If you go to the record books,
I'm pretty cool.
But don't act
like you're too good for me now,
fatso, 'cause it's Alaska.
That's really... price gouging me
like I'm in...
Coming at me like
an airport Whopper, basically?
Like an $11 airport Whopper.
I know how much a Whopper
is supposed to be.
It ain't a steak
'cause I'm at the airport.
Yeah.
This is how...
I know it sounds mean to you,
but you don't understand
what they're like.
Like, some guy
went on before me.
I was doing a show,
and the first guy made a joke
that you would let Brad Pitt
harass you at work
because he's hot,
and a 300-pound waitress
next to me
yells at the top of her lungs,
"If Brad Pitt touched my ass,
I'd call the police."
Like she was angry at
just the thought of that, of...
Really?
That makes you that mad?
If Brad Pitt, like, right now,
came down from heaven
to this frozen shithole
that you live in
and actually touched
the beanbag chair
you call an ass
with his beautiful,
golden hands,
with his beautiful little
kabbalah strings hand...
You would call a cop?
You wouldn't call
all the papers in Alaska
to announce the greatest moment
of any Alaskan's life?
That's what you're telling me?
'Cause I wouldn't call the cops
on Brad Pitt.
If Brad Pitt grabbed my ass,
that'd be the most
interesting thing about me,
basically.
I mean, most of this show
would have been about
that experience.
The whole beginning...
He could be real mean about it.
Just hook his hand up
and really, like...
"What are you gonna do
about it, Kurt?
"I'm grabbing your ass
like a fat waitress.
What do you think of that?"
"Nothing, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your work
in the Sudan and this."
'Cause I was raised right.
By the way,
here's a fun fact about Alaska
that I bet you didn't know.
They just made it illegal
to have sex with animals there
in 2011.
Yeah, finally got that
on the books...
The "don't have sex
with animals" law.
Because it was becoming
a problem.
And if you see the women
they have there,
I got to believe
a lot of these guys
are making an honest mistake,
because it gets very dark.
By the way, I apologize
for all these jokes.
Did I apologize enough?
I live here,
so it makes you kind of...
Kind of messes your head up
a little bit
to live here for long enough,
you know?
It makes you crazy.
It's a rough place, New York.
Even if it's not like
how it used to be,
it's still intense.
Guys, it's just so much money
to live here,
to be, like, so...
Like, this close to everyone
all the time.
You're just jammed up
with everybody.
And, you know,
I don't know if you're all...
If you're not from here,
like, sometimes you wake up
and there'll just be,
like, a black dick
just mushed right in your face.
Like, first...
Like, nine times out of ten,
that's how you wake up.
Yeah.
Can't believe it.
You just wake up,
and you're like, "My God.
"This is $2,600 a month
to have this guy's
giant dick in my eyelids
when I wake up."
I'm exaggerating that
a little bit, but, I mean...
You have to ask for that.
That's not just gonna come...
That's not coming
with your apartment.
For $2,600, you think
you're getting dick
in your face?
No.
That's $3,000 easy, now.
Extra special features
like that...
I had a friend in Tampa
complain to me
that he couldn't pay his rent...
In Tampa, Florida.
You can't make your rent
in Tampa, Florida?
You can't come up
with some possum soup
and gator teeth?
One time a month,
you can't go in
your swamp of a yard
and pay your shirtless landlord?
And... wow.
But it's rough,
and then the kids here...
You know, you ever see...
Meet kids
that grew up in New York,
in Manhattan itself?
They're, like... they're creepy.
It's... kind of like
how mature they are.
Like, they got over
a coke problem
in the sixth grade
and, like,
all that "Gossip Girl" thing.
You know, like,
they've just done it all.
They're like these
weird old vampire children.
Intimidate you,
yet they can't drive or swim.
Yeah.
I don't blame 'em,
growing up here.
I only lived here ten years,
and here's something I saw...
This is one of the worst things
I ever saw here.
I'm coming out of the subway
on 80th Street...
80th Street and Broadway, okay?
The 1 train.
And I'm... I'm coming out,
and there's a homeless guy
flat on his back
with, like, just his head
kind of propped up on the wall,
like, the most homeless
you could be, dude.
I mean, really.
Like, "I'm so homeless, dude."
Like, it was so...
You know, there's levels.
There's levels of it.
There's levels.
There's a bunch...
You know, there's guys out here
that are running around,
holding open the door...
There's go-getter homeless,
right,
and then there's this guy.
There's, like, a guy with a sign
who's just a white kid
with dreadlocks, right?
"I'm not coming to you."
Level two.
And then this poor bastard's
just like,
"I'm not even moving.
"Just my head will be up
and nothing...
I'm not moving
any other part of my body."
And you get numb to it.
You really get numb to it.
You get numb to homelessness
and glue traps for mice...
Those two things... here, I find.
Glue trap... that's the most
horrific trap.
A mouse will pull their face off
on that.
It's the most vicious...
I mean,
I remember leaving one out.
I lived at this place
in the Village
that had mice, okay?
And I left one out,
and then I'd put them in a bag
and take it downstairs
and stomp on it,
'cause you have to.
I'm not gonna leave him
to pull his own face off.
So I got to do the right thing
and stomp this thing, right?
I was sh... I was on my couch...
I'm like...
Dude, I was traumatized.
Living creature that...
So guess what.
Six traps in,
I don't give a fuck, bro.
I'm like... I'm leaving 'em out.
Just die slowly, mouse.
I don't give...
Tell everyone.
Tell all the mice
what happened to you.
I'm, like, apoc...
I'm like Colonel Kurtz now.
"Apocalypse Now" of mice
right now.
I made a friend of horror.
And you got to do that
with the homeless too.
But...
Not put them in glue traps.
That's... wow.
Let me back up.
Make...
Please, do not put the homeless
in glue traps.
But you get numb to it.
But this really got to me,
seeing this guy like this,
because there were two lines
of people
coming in and out of the subway,
and they, like,
didn't even see him.
Like, they just didn't
even notice the guy.
This guy, like...
I mean, it was striking
how fucked up he was,
and you don't even look at him?
That's not right.
That's, like...
That's a human being, right?
So I'm like, "You know what?
"When I walk by that guy,
I am gonna make eye contact
with him."
"Yeah, I'm not gonna give him
any money or nothing,
but I'm gonna make
meaningful eye contact."
'Cause that is probably
valuable to him,
a guy on the floor
of some stairs,
if I come over and... ""
I see that you're homeless.
Take that with you.
"I'm a beautiful man."
So I'm getting close
to do my good deed,
and then when I got close,
I saw his pants were down,
which I didn't notice
from a distance.
When I was judging
the other people,
I didn't see that his pants
were all the way down.
And his arm was...
His arm was going pretty hard.
Yeah.
That thing was going.
And... but now it's too late.
I'm here for some eye contact.
"Hey!
"Look who's here
for some eye contact.
This guy!"
What?
I almost trip... yeah.
So I just... like a horror movie,
I followed his arm, like...
Yeah.
And do you know what I saw?
Well, there's no good way
to say it.
He had his hand
up his own asshole.
That's what I saw.
Yeah, that's the surprise twist
of the story,
was that he was fisting
his own asshole.
Yeah.
Yeah, you heard what I said.
You thought I was gonna say
he was jerking off.
Is that what you thought?
Country mouse, no.
No, no.
My...
You're a sweet kid.
Aren't you nice?
No, this is New York City.
They fist themselves here.
They fist their own asses here.
Just tearing into it
like it's a croissant.
My goodness, sir.
Yeah, not even sexual,
by the way.
It was frantic.
Like, let's say
you couldn't find your keys
in your asshole.
How you would...
"Do I not have my keys?"
Yeah, going to town.
And then...
Right then, we made eye contact,
meaningful eye contact.
Like...
Who looked away first?
He did.
That's who.
He did.
You don't back out of that
and show weakness.
Also, you get in fights
with people here
that you don't expect.
Like, it's not like fights
where you just like...
You know, I think I'm gonna
fight some guy my size.
You get in fights with
just random people of all...
Old ladies.
You know, like, you fight with,
like, a weird variety of people,
a lot of times about cabs.
I get in a lot of cab fights.
'Cause there's just not enough
cabs here.
I don't know what's going on,
but I can't... sometimes...
This is no lie.
Using all of my whiteness,
I cannot...
Just stand at the corner.
They just drive by me with,
like, whiter people than me?
I don't know what's happening.
There's gingers and albinos
laughing at me.
Calling me mean words.
So I got in a fight
with this lady for a cab,
and so I called her, like...
Well, have you ever seen...
Did you ever see
the movie "Precious"?
Have you guys seen "Precious"?
Black people, have you seen,
not "Precious"...
Have you seen "Precious"?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Have you seen...
But this is more...
This is a more important
question.
Have you seen
"The Human Centipede,"
which is like our "Precious"?
That's, like, our very...
Movie for white people to watch.
It's, like, the same kind of...
Like, it's like people
trapped in a bad situation.
They don't know
how to eat right.
You know?
Don't have a good diet,
so it's like, it doesn't
end up good for them.
But here's my problem
with "Precious."
That's not a true story.
That's made up.
Do you know that?
That's not a real girl.
They made her up.
Why are you making up this girl
and doing these things to her?
What... like, who's getting
helped by that,
from "Precious"?
'Cause I'll tell you
who's not getting helped.
Girls that look like Precious,
their lives are destroyed
right now.
Their lives were ruined
by that movie,
'cause I got news for you...
You piss me off
and look like Precious,
I'ma call you Precious.
Like, you don't even
have to look like her that much.
So I called this lady
White Precious,
and she looked very surprised,
like...
She thought she couldn't
get called Precious
'cause she was white.
Bam!
White Precious!
That's how clever I am.
Quick on my feet.
'Cause we were
fighting over a cab, you know?
And I was just running late.
I was an hour late
for something.
I couldn't find any cabs,
and I finally see
one cab coming.
And there's White Precious
getting my cab.
But I didn't call her
White Precious for that.
I went up to her,
and I go, "Excuse me, miss.
"Do you think we could
share this cab?
"Like, I'm really desperate,
and I'm late,
"and I'll pay you for your ride,
wherever you got to go.
I just got to get
to where I'm going."
And then this
is her exact reaction.
"My God,
get the fuck away from me!
Help! Help me! Help me!
Somebody help me!"
I'm doing exactly what she did.
Like, if you were being
sexually assaulted
in broad daylight
how you should yell,
'cause I asked to share a cab.
And I didn't call her
White Precious for that, okay?
The first thing I did
was check to see
if my dick was out
just to be... just to be extra...
Like, before we start yelling
"White Precious" at people,
maybe your penis
is on the outside
of your pants,
and that's why you can't...
You know?
If everybody's yelling
and there's no cabs for you.
"Miss, please, I'm desperate.
"Can you...
"I'll pay any amount of money
that you want
if you would just let me
cram in there."
Yeah.
So it was in my pants.
I go, "Shut up, White Precious!
"Nobody's coming at you
in a sexual way.
What am I, your dad?"
That is a direct...
I'm telling you
a real quote from me.
Yeah, I said that,
and then... and she goes,
"If you don't stop harassing me,
I'ma call the police."
I go, "Call a cop right now.
"I want to see a cop's face
when you tell him
"that I attempted to scale
and rape you.
"I want him to write that on...
"I want him to take out a pad
"and have to write that
with a straight face,
"that, in broad daylight,
"I thought I'd throw it all away
"and tackle a dump truck
and lift up its flannel shirt
"to find a fuckin' opening.
"Call a cop.
I'll wait.
"I'll wait.
Call a cop.
Go ahead, call a cop."
Yeah.
I take it too far sometimes.
Way overboard with that.
And then she did call the cops,
and it got kind of real
because I don't know
if you ever heard yourself
getting described to the police
by someone
who's calling the police,
but it's very upsetting...
Like, you know,
how you stick out.
Like, "He has very strange
eyebrows and nostrils.
"I don't know if he's Turkish
or something.
I don't know what the hell"...
And then she goes,
"He has a blue gym bag."
And when she said
"blue gym bag,"
I was like, "Shit,"
because I had just bought,
like, all my weed for the month
that, like, I had in this bag.
That's why I was late,
'cause I was buying
a month's supply of weed.
By the way, don't buy
a month's supply of weed.
You're not gonna make it
last a month, idiot.
So one second, I'm real cocky.
I'm like, "Yeah, fatso,
I'd like to see...
God, weed!"
And I had to run...
And I had to run in...
I ran into traffic
and hid at CVS
for 20 minutes
while the cops came.
So the moral of the story is,
you don't have to be nice
to people,
but just don't carry
illegal shit on you
while you're doing it.
That's all my time, guys.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much
for coming to my show.
I appreciate it.
Thanks.
please welcome Kurt Metzger!
- Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Whoo.
All right.
All right, all right.
Now you're just
putting pressure on me.
All right,
I hope this goes good.
Sometimes it goes very wrong,
you know?
Like six months ago...
I'll never forget this.
I get onstage.
I go, "What's up, dude?"
To, like, a guy, like,
where you're sitting,
and then he looked upset...
Like, upset at me.
And everybody got weird.
And then I looked at him better,
and it was a lesbian.
It was a woman, okay?
Honest mistake.
But it was... it looks like
I'm just mean to lesbians,
like that's the guy I am.
Come out,
calling you a dude face.
I don't act that way.
So I start trying to apologize.
I go, "Ma'am, I am so sorry.
"I have a light in my eyes,
all right?
"I'm not making a lesbian joke.
"I support you
"and your lifestyle.
I see you're a woman.
Please, forgive me."
And then
in, like, the saddest voice,
she goes,
"But I am a man."
Because it was a man.
Thought it was a lesbian.
No.
It was a very devastated man.
Never hurt someone that bad
in my entire life,
trying my hardest.
Guy had a vest on.
What are you gonna do, right?
Coming in wearing a vest.
I'm not gonna think
you're a lesbian?
That's how it works
in your world?
And one time I go on,
just 'cause I was in Brooklyn,
you know,
in, like, a hip room
with these young...
I don't... I don't gel with them.
And so there's a guy
sitting in front
with a sea captain hat on,
like, a little sea captain hat,
like a little...
And a little captain jacket.
And I make one joke
about his hat...
And by the way, not...
He wasn't wearing this
for honest gay reasons,
you know, like, really,
like, acceptable...
Perfectly acceptable.
You're gay.
"You're gay?
Fantastic hat, sir.
Let's... you know what?
I respect your hat."
No, he was on a date.
He was trying to get pussy
with that hat, dude.
That was a pussy-gettin'
captain hat.
So I make one joke
about his hat.
And then he goes like this,
"Really?"
Like... like I'm out of line.
If you saw...
This guy looked like
he flew on a hot air balloon
to, like, teach kids about
reading at the show.
I don't even know
what he was doing there.
But I'm crazy to say something.
And by the way... I don't know.
I'm not better than anybody,
okay?
I don't care how you dress.
Like, I understand
you have to dress
a certain kind of way
to get a certain kind of tail.
That is what
you have to do, right?
If you're trying to get...
This is hipster town...
Trying to land yourself a girl
that dresses like
the world's youngest grandma.
You can't just
not wear a sea captain hat
when you do that.
Got to have a captain hat.
Just doing that...
But just wink at me.
I'm not also a dippy girl
with purple hair...
Like, you understand?
I'm not enchanted
by your whimsy,
'cause I also have a penis.
So just, like, acknowledge...
Like, "I know, dude.
I'm just...
"I'm trying to trick this...
"I'm trying to trick this woman
into sitting on my penis,
so I had to"...
You know, just when you have
to wear a knit cap indoors
with a little hair
coming out of the top,
and you look like
you cobble dildos for a living,
just go, "Hey, I know.
"I'm trying to spend
too much time
banging a girl
with Bunsen Honeydew glasses."
Yeah, but that's like
when people have a type.
You know, I don't...
Do you have a type
that you go for?
No?
Me neither, man.
I don't have
those kind of privileges.
To have my type.
I just got to cast my net
and catch what I catch.
Sometimes it's fresh young tuna.
Sometimes it's an old boot.
I'm just grateful to the ocean
for providing me another day.
"And old, bald tire, Ocean?
"Thank you.
I'm gonna use
every part of this tire."
So anyway, the point is,
this is gonna be
a huge disappointment,
so, like, just so you understand
the level of how disappointing
this is gonna be...
This next hour.
It's gonna feel like
the first time you saw
the real Wendy
on that Wendy's commercial,
when, like...
Like,
Wendy revealed herself.
"It's me, Wendy!"
Wow.
Wow, Wendy.
With the pigtails, Wendy,
from the tablecloth at Wendy's?
"Yeah, that Wendy."
She was on for one week,
real Wendy, and then they...
Some PR person at Wendy's
was like,
"We got to fix
this situation. Now."
And they got a younger,
hotter Wendy
and three new salads,
like, right after that.
Is that so mean?
That's very mean.
You know, everybody
gets old and fat... everybody.
It's just... it was just, like,
such an abrupt...
Like, you weren't there
for the transition.
It was like, little Wendy...
And like, "I'm here."
And you're like, "What?"
You know?
But unlike that,
there's not gonna be,
like, a funnier, hotter
Kurt coming.
Like, it's just this.
It's just this the whole time.
Let's just figure out
some ground rules
with this crowd
so just I know what's okay.
What do you guys think
the worst curse word is to say?
- Cunt.
- Yeah.
You answered that very quickly,
and that was the right answer.
The C word!
It's a terrible word.
That's the one my mom
told me to never say.
I wasn't even saying it.
She just kicked open the door
to my room...
"Don't say 'cunt'!
Please!"
Very important to her.
But it is the worst word.
Right?
You guys look like a nice...
Are you a couple?
If I call her that, you're gonna
have to fight me right now...
You.
You're gonna have to climb
on this stage,
guy who kind of looks like
Bruno Mars,
and fistfight me.
That's gonna happen.
Call people "cunt"?
But if I call you a dick,
she don't have to do nothing.
She can just laugh at you
and also call you a dick,
you know?
On TV, they're gonna bleep
all the "cunts" I just said,
but "dick"... that's gonna come
right over the air,
me calling you a dick.
And what are you even gonna do
about it?
Nothing, 'cause you're a dick.
That's what.
Is that fair to you?
It's not.
That is not fair.
Right?
'Cause that's the same insult
as cunt.
That's not a different insult.
"You are genitals."
That's the same message
of insult.
But "cunt" is so much worse
for some reason.
Why is that?
I'll tell you why.
It's because "dick"
is also a nickname,
and that is why.
It just comes down to that.
It could be Richard,
so there you go.
Nobody's like, "I'm Catherine,
but call me Cunt!"
Nobody says that.
"Really?
Can I call you Cathy?"
"Cathy?
That's my mom's name!
I'm Cunt!"
That Cunt's a real character,
guys.
She really...
All right, that's too much
of that word.
Um...sorry.
Do you watch
"Toddlers and Tiaras"?
Does anybody watch that?
Yeah?
It's about the child pageants,
which is a very American thing,
child beauty pageants.
Is anybody not from America
at all in here?
One of you?
Are you all American?
'Cause I was just...
I had to explain it in Canada
to people,
'cause they don't...
Like, they don't know
what it is.
They don't do that.
So you have to explain
to foreigners.
"Hey, look.
Here's what it is.
"In America,
"we have beautiful children,
"so that's... there you go.
"We have to have a contest
'cause we have hot kids.
"I don't... what do you want me
to tell you?
"Sorry if you're not
going through the same thing.
"Hey, sorry to hear about
"your unfuckable children,
Canada.
We got to live our lives."
It is weird, though.
And so this one mom
got in trouble
because she put big fake tits
on her five-year-old daughter
for the talent...
Well, it was for
the talent part of the show.
And she had to have a talent.
"Quick, we need a talent."
Big fake tits
and a big fake ass,
and she comes out
and does a booty dance
for the... and she got
in legal trouble.
She might lose custody
of her daughter for that now,
which is so unfair,
because that woman is a genius.
That's really...
That's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard of.
Tits on a five-year-old
at a pageant?
You never thought of anything
that good
in your whole life, dude.
You've never once
had an idea that good, ever.
What's the big fear
about these pageants?
It's pedophiles.
Pedophiles, right?
So what better way
to hide your child
from a pedophile
than to disguise her
as a voluptuous lady?
That is...
They don't want to see that.
Big-ass titties?
Pedophiles hate that.
It's, like, ruining
the whole point
of being a pedophile.
I'll bet every pedophile
left that pageant in disgust.
"Shame on you, ma'am!
"That is a child!
A beautiful, beautiful child!"
That's gross.
But that's what
a pedophile says, you know?
That's not me saying that.
That's what a pedophile says.
I don't say things like that.
I'm like, "Hey, let's get
some tits on this kid
"and get her out there.
See what she can do."
I'm, like,
the opposite of a pedophile.
I like kids with fat tits.
I'm not gonna apologize
for not being a pedophile.
Do you ever watch
the adult pageants?
Adult beauty pageants?
But just when
they have to answer questions
and they sound dumb?
Yeah, that's mean.
That's mean.
You're mean to do that.
Remember that Miss Utah
who was on YouTube just recently
'cause she answered...
They asked her a question,
and she said,
"Women need to do more better,"
something like that.
And everybody was making fun
of her.
And women do need to do
more better.
She's not wrong.
You don't need to do
more better?
But why would you ask
those questions
at a beauty pageant?
Why are there
smarty-pants questions
at a pretty contest?
That's...
I think that's the question.
That's not fair.
"I have to... what's the point
of having fake tits
"if I have to know things
on top of that?
"You tell me what's...
What that money's for.
You can't just be a specialist?
That's not allowed?"
That's not fair.
That's like if you took
Supreme Court Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsburg;
that is the second woman
in history
ever nominated
to the Supreme Court.
That's a very high achievement,
and she's a role model
for girls, okay?
And if at the hearing, they go,
"Okay, Ruth Bader Ginsberg,
great legal answers.
"Great job.
"But now we're coming
to the swimsuit portion
"of the confirmation,
"so you're gonna have to put
this two-piece on,
"and let's see
how well-rounded you are.
Yeah, you know about the law.
Whoop-dee-doo."
She comes out all nervous,
covering...
And just point.
"Yeah, that's your beach body,
"Ruth Bader Ginsberg?
"Think you're gonna be a Justice
with those tits?
"Is that what you thought?
You're...
You're a role model."
Do you watch...
By the way,
most of this will be about
things I watched.
Do you watch
"Beyond Scared Straight"?
It's about
the Scared Straight Program.
You know what that is?
Scared Straight.
It's a program.
Let's say you have
a really bad kid...
Like, really bad.
You know, like, they smoke weed
and everything.
What are you gonna do
with this kid?
You take 'em to prison
for the night.
And then they have the prisoners
threaten them with rape
until they're good...
Till they're good children.
That's the whole program.
Yeah, that's perfectly fine
to do that.
"You like smoking weed?
You're gonna smoke this dick!"
They're screaming at the child.
Right?
And there's, like,
a guard going,
"You should listen to him,
De'Shawnthony.
"We don't do our job
at this prison.
"You are gonna get raped.
I make $12 an hour.
I'm not stopping rapes."
And the kid don't even care.
He's just laughing.
He don't care.
I'm at home;
I'm putting out a joint
and starting my homework
in terror.
I think I'm gonna
have to smoke dick.
Yeah.
'Cause you can't scare...
You can't scare anyone straight.
That's the whole... if you're...
That's what sociopaths...
They can't...
They don't feel fear
like normal people.
What do you worry...
If you go to prison,
what do you worry about,
of the things
you've heard about prison?
Yeah, that's right,
getting raped in prison.
Yeah?
Right?
You know, I mean,
you're not even saying
the thing.
You're like, "The showers...
Dropping the soap."
You don't even speak
the name of the crime;
it's so scary.
Right?
And because you're normal.
That's what a normal person
worries about
if they're going to prison.
Like, a good person
is worried about that.
But guess what?
There is a bunch of people
in prison
doing these rapes.
So that means there's, like,
a whole other segment
of the population that,
if you bring up prison to them,
they're, like, all happy.
They're like, "Man,
"you know the best part
about prison?
"You can just rape
any dude you want!
"They don't stop you.
By the way, I just got $500
taken out of my bank account.
I was in San Diego,
and I got a jaywalking ticket.
Well, it was $200, the ticket.
But when I got it, I was like,
"Fuck your city and your laws.
"And you... this cop...
You got a better shot
of seeing Jesus blow Buddha
than me pay you $200."
"What do you think of that?"
And, yeah,
so they just take that
out of your bank account.
You have to pay that.
You absolutely have to pay
that ticket.
Don't think
you're not paying it,
'cause in San Diego,
it's a whole new world.
But I got pulled over walking.
I was drunk walking,
which is what I thought
you were supposed to do,
by the way.
Minding my business.
Yeah.
Has that ever happened to you
in New York?
You got pulled over on foot
and issued a jaywalking ticket?
No, because cops
have shit to do here.
It's a little different
than San Diego.
They have to stop and frisk
every black man
who's ever lived here twice,
so they don't have time
for my white jaywalkings
in this town.
There's a lot
of black people here.
But this oinker looked me
right in my face, this pig,
and wrote me
a $200 jaywalking ticket.
Like that's okay?
I shouldn't... and also,
I know I shouldn't call him...
Shouldn't call him a pig.
Because the guy's
just doing his job, right?
That's how you're supposed
to take that.
He's doing his job,
like an Auschwitz guard,
basically.
Like a Nazi
concentration camp guard!
All right, that's too much.
Sorry.
That is... no, not like that.
That's really a bad...
That's way out of line, okay?
My ticket and the Holocaust
are not...
They're not in the same...
It's just a lot of money.
It's a lot of money, dude.
But I know it's not
a fair comparison,
because, let's face it,
not even Hitler would charge
a guy 200 fucking dollars
for fucking jaywalking, right?
Even a sack of shit
like Adolf Hitler
would have the Christianity...
The basic Christianity
to not charge $200
for jaywalking.
I saw every Hitler show
on the History Channel,
and he committed
every evil crime you can commit,
except overcharge
for jaywalking.
So congratulations
to the city of San Diego
on finishing the work of Hitler.
That's more than fair.
That is more than fair.
Yeah.
No one has suffered
more than me.
God.
I hope that lesbian guy's okay,
you know?
Honestly.
You think that guy's okay?
He probably killed himself,
right?
Like, I hope not, man.
What hurts worse than that?
If I just think you're a man,
then a woman,
then a man that... really quick.
I bullied someone to death.
That's what I think happened.
Got to be so careful
because people just...
You know, these kids
just kill themselves now.
That's what they do.
They just kill themselves
'cause their, you know,
computers are too mean.
It's just a different world
of much meaner computers
than they used to be.
I don't know.
I didn't have that
when I was a kid.
I had a computer,
but we didn't have, like...
Not like that, like...
I had to walk, like,
three miles to school every day
just to be called a fag.
Do you know that?
I had...
I didn't have
a magic box in my room
that answers all the questions
of the universe
and calls you a fag.
We didn't have that.
I had to get some fresh air
and exercise,
stretch my legs.
Didn't have all that stuff.
You ever get cyberbullied
as an adult?
It just happened to me
on Facebook.
I was cyberbullied.
A guy went on my wall
and called me a lazy writer.
That's... that's bullying.
That's what that was.
Tried to bully me.
Couldn't remember
that guy's name,
but fuck that guy.
That's the main part.
Could have killed myself, sir.
By the way, you do notice
it's, like,
all white nerd suicides.
You notice that?
They're all white.
Like, you don't really see...
I mean, maybe black nerds
kill themselves,
but I don't really see that.
You just don't see it.
Why do you suppose that is,
that they're all white?
'Cause black nerds
don't get those kind of
opportunities.
That's why.
Get depressed from their
home fag-bashing computer?
They don't have...
Black nerds get shot
by gangs and neighborhood watch.
It's the truth.
I agree.
It's terrible.
It's unfortunate.
You watch the news, right?
You watch the local news?
"Tragedy!
In the part
that you don't go to!"
And a kid with a graduation hat
who was shot.
That guy?
What...
Every time a gang
shoots at another gang,
they miss
and hit a promising black nerd.
Right?
It happens every time.
If you're black
and you have a scholarship,
my advice is, buy a vest
and lay low for a little bit.
Let the scholarship blow over,
because...
They got Urkel-seeking bullets
that are gonna find you
reading a...
Yeah.
Black nerds.
Gangsters.
It's how I consider them.
Right?
You ever see
Neil deGrasse Tyson?
The astronomer?
The black king of planets,
Neil deGrasse Tyson?
You know who that is.
The guy's great.
He's amazing.
That guy is a gangster, dude.
There is no telling
how many people he had to stab
just to live long enough
to tell you about his love
of planets and shit.
There is no telling
what that man had to do.
Just lost my iPad, by the way.
I'm going through some things
on my... myself.
I lost my iPad.
Actually, I lost it
when Steve Jobs died
two years ago, but I haven't
gotten over it.
I'll be honest with you.
The day he died, iPad was gone.
I didn't know... I had no idea
what was going on.
At first I thought it was, like,
an iPad rapture,
and, like,
he was just taking all the iPads
to turtleneck heaven.
He was gone;
my iPad's gone.
That's all I knew.
I started screaming
like a little girl.
It turned out, by the way,
I was just drunk,
and I left in a cab.
That was the actual...
It wasn't an iPad rapture.
I was just drunk.
But I screamed and screamed
like a baby
'cause I lost an iPad.
What do you even
compare that to,
that kind of emotion
over an object?
This is the best thing
I can liken it to.
It was like
I was from Afghanistan,
and I heard that a Koran,
a holy Koran,
got burned by mistake.
Like, that... like, that upset.
Like, I get it now.
And by the way,
don't burn a Koran.
Just don't burn anything.
You're just a moron
if you just burn things
in protest.
But you burn a Koran,
someone's gonna get killed.
So don't do that, okay?
It's a bit much
if someone has to die for that,
though, a little bit, right?
Like, I lost an iPad.
I lost...
There's a thing called
perspective, okay?
I lost a very expensive iPad.
How hard is it
to get a new Koran?
And I'm not saying
that it's good or bad
or anything like that.
Okay, I don't want to be killed
with a curvy sword after this.
I'm saying...
I'm just saying,
if you need a new Koran,
what are the difficulties
in making that happen?
It's not like every year,
a new Koran comes out,
and it's $600, right?
That's not your situation,
is it?
And you get one,
and you find out
there's a much better Koran
coming out tomorrow
with, like, double the virgins
and a better camera,
and the dude doesn't say nothing
at the Koran store,
conveniently.
My iPad had a Koran on it.
That's how amazing an iPad is.
I... it was also a Koran.
I lost a Koran and "Angry Birds"
in one shot.
You understand what I lost?
I had my whole day planned out.
People are unfair to Muslims
also, though,
aren't they a little bit?
This is a really good example.
The Ground Zero mosque.
Do you remember that?
Everybody was so mad
because they were gonna build
a mosque
just kind of near Ground Zero.
And then everybody acted
like they were building it
on the hole...
On the 9/11 hole.
Remember how angry...
"They're building a mosque
on the Twin Towers!
With the bones of firemen
as bricks!"
"The new Freedom Tower's
gonna be a mosque!"
All right, yeah,
that's what I heard,
and I went like,
"Wow. Seriously?"
"That project really
got away from us, didn't it?
"Holy smokes.
How did we mess that up
that bad?"
But I didn't get upset.
That's fine with me.
Build a mosque on the 9/11 hole.
I don't give a shit.
If it was up to me,
I would build a mosque
on every important building
that we have,
just for protection, basically.
It's not hard to think your way
out of a problem
and not be a bigot
for five seconds.
It's a great idea.
And we should call
all of our planes "mosques"
from now on.
That's part two of my plan.
A beautiful, safe sky mosque.
Now, that would be a real crime,
to blow up a sky mosque.
Yeah.
That'll... I'd fix
that whole situation, right?
'Cause you already
have to take your shoes off,
so you're right there.
You're almost to mosque
right now.
Just putting 'em back on
is the whole pain in the ass
of that...
Do you guys have jobs,
by the way?
What do you do?
I don't know.
I don't have a job.
This is all I do.
Not that it's so great,
but it's just too late now
to not do this, so...
I used to live
in Bushwick, Brooklyn,
with no job.
Had a mattress on the floor
and two towels...
One to jerk off in
and one to use as a towel.
Yeah, it's a simple life.
And sometimes I'd come out
of the shower,
realize too late I made
the wrong choice of towels.
Buy different colored towels,
everyone.
That's what we learn from that.
But I watch people with jobs
on TV sometimes.
Do you watch all those kind of
reality job shows?
Like "Slippery Driving" and...
And, "Scary Fishing"?
Yeah, well, that's why
those shows are there,
'cause there's not enough jobs,
so that's, like,
your fantasy now, is,
you have to watch other people
have a job
like it's pornography.
"Man, he's just working
the hell out of that job.
That's really...
He's hitting that job hard."
Do you know what Walmart's doing
for veterans
who don't have jobs?
If you're a veteran
coming back from
Iraq or Afghanistan right now
and you don't have job,
you can go to any Walmart
and automatically get a job
at Walmart,
which is nice of Walmart.
But, you know, like...
In those commercials
for the Army,
they kind of make it sound
like when you get out,
you don't have to work
at Walmart.
They do.
They do lead you to believe
a little bit.
"I'm going to college
and have the"...
You'll have the tech
and leadership skills
of today's market,
to not work at Walmart.
Not that it's so bad
to work at Walmart.
I don't have to down you
if you work at Walmart.
I'm just saying
that's an extremely long way
to go to get to a job
at Walmart.
You really took
the longest route possible
to that Walmart job, man.
Another way to automatically
get hired at Walmart...
Apply to any Walmart.
You also have that option.
You don't have to have
"Zero Dark Thirty"
and basic training
to get to a job
folding $7 sweatpants
in the husky teen section.
Navy SEAL, a trained killer,
killer hands folding...
Sitting there like...
"You tracked
and killed Bin Laden?
"Cool. Listen.
"Right now, I need you
to track down
"this missing case
of rainbow pens that...
"we... we've gone dark
on these pens.
Get those goggles on
and really"...
What do you think happened
to the economy?
Here's what I think happened.
I'm not smart, like I said,
but this is what I think.
Did you ever play "Monopoly"
with your family
and been in charge of the bank
and not stolen money
from the bank?
Did anybody not?
Not 'cause you're even
a bad person.
Just... you got a little behind
on Ventnor or whatever,
you know.
You're a good person.
Got a little behind,
and then you were gonna
put the money back.
The second you passed "Go,"
you were gonna put it back.
Things just got out of hand.
Did anybody not do that
in this whole room?
No, not one?
Yeah.
So that's how all of you
apparently would treat
your whole...
Your family for...
To get some toy money,
that's what you would do
to your own family.
So just now imagine
it's a real bank
with real money,
and you're playing
against strangers
that you don't even
give a shit about.
How well do you think
you would do in that position,
seeing as how you would
step on your own mother's throat
for an orange $500 bill?
How well do you think
you'd do with...
And that is how
the economy works.
By the way, can I tell you guys
about this book I read
that has changed my life?
It's called "Mountain,
Get Out of My Way"
by Montel Williams.
Have you...
In this room right now,
have you had a chance to read
"Mountain, Get Out of My Way"?
Do you know the book?
It's from 1996.
It's an older book.
Montel is on the cover,
like, looking right at you
like you're a mountain,
and he said
to get out of his way.
You know, he's waiting,
'cause mountains don't
get out of your way,
so you're just...
"Just gonna sit there,
mountain?"
"You win this round,
mountain."
Yeah.
Well, this is the best part.
"Mountain,
Get Out of My Way."
If you missed your chance,
go on Amazon.
One cent!
You're not just gonna see,
for one cent,
what Montel has to tell you?
For one penny?
He's more than
meeting you halfway here, guys.
He can't go lower than that.
You're gonna have to
put some effort in now.
Well, guess what.
You can't even get a copy
'cause I bought
every remaining copy for $50.
I got 5,000 copies
of "Mountain, Get Out of My Way"
right now.
It's a lot.
They're just, like,
in a mountain right now
in front of my roommate's door.
He can't get in his room,
and he's always...
Comes in yelling at me.
"How am I supposed
to get around this, Kurt?"
Like, "The answer's
in your hand, dude.
"Open it up.
I can't do your work for you.
Let Montel mon-tell you
the answer."
Yeah, that's what I say.
To my roommate, Steve,
I said that.
Doesn't that sound so gay?
"My roommate, Steve"?
Just like... that's, like,
the gayest sentence I ever said.
Sounds gay.
But we're not gay.
But it sounds pretty gay.
I wish I could
hold my head up high
and say that's what it is,
you know?
But I'm just 36,
and I have to have a roommate,
and I live in
Washington Heights,
and I have no insurance.
So it's the reality.
I might lie to my mom
and say we're gay
to dress it up a little bit.
She's worried about me.
Mom, I will get insurance
through Steve's work
when this country
changes its attitude
about our love.
Stop...
Yeah.
But it sounds very gay.
"My roommate, Steve."
That sounds like the title
of a children's book
to teach kids about gayness,
doesn't it?
This new kind of...
"My Roommate, Steve."
Sometimes Uncle Kurt comes over
with his roommate, Steve,
and they press lips
like mommies and daddies.
I go, "Why, Mommy?"
'Cause Uncle Kurt
needs insurance real bad.
That's why.
The end.
The end.
Are you guys... how do you feel
about gay marriage?
You guys for gay marriage?
Good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not for that,
but, you know.
Whatever you guys are into.
Whatever you're into, man.
Yeah, I'm not for that.
I know... everybody's like,
"What's the big deal?
"Who are they hurting?
"Two people love each other.
How does it hurt us,
right?"
Well, I'll tell you
how it hurts us.
If you're not from here,
from America,
you might not understand this,
but it takes God's protection
off our nation.
Do you understand that?
I know... it's probably
a big joke to you, but...
Fancy city atheists.
Right?
"Who cares"...
We got a Constitution
that he gave us,
and part of it...
A big part of it...
Is that you got to use
your holes the right way.
I'm sorry to tell you.
So I'm not gonna tell you
what you want to hear.
God watches your holes all day,
like, literally, morning...
till night.
That's any... any religion.
That is 3/4 of your religion,
is,
you got to use your holes
the right way.
'Cause the Creator
of the infinite universe
who made star...
The universe is huge.
It's gigantic.
And God's, like, even bigger.
He made... he's bigger than that.
And then, like, the...
Like, the earth's not even...
It's, like, on the tip.
You know, like,
right on the edge of his finger
like that, and then...
Then he just watches
your asshole through a...
Like... he has, like,
a jeweler loupe.
Like, "What?
Let's see.
"Let's see what my creation
is up to
"with those buttholes
"that I was nice enough
to give them.
"Probably just pooping
out of them
"like they're supposed to.
Let me just take a..."
And it flies out of his eye.
His yarmulke falls off his head;
he's so upset.
"That's not how I said
to do that!
"You just voided
the warranty, pal.
"I hope you're happy.
"I'm not fixing that for you.
"That's not normal
wear and tear,
"what you just did.
"That's not normal.
"I didn't think
I had to write instructions
for your poop hole."
So then we lose protection.
Then we lose protection.
And then what happens is,
let's say we live next door
together,
and you're a good Christian guy,
doing what you're supposed to
with your wife,
just living, reading your Bible,
slaying pussy
like Christ commanded,
not thinking about wieners.
And then I live next door
to you.
I'm just getting my asshole
whaled on day after day.
You're sitting there
in your family home...
A parade of dudes coming in,
just stretching me out, dude,
and, like, you just hear it
all the time
'cause the walls are thin.
You just hear
a man's head just...
There's a man behind him
just ripping his crinkle
in half,
and you're just sitting there
trying to ignore
the sodomy.
You're trying to read
Paul's letter to the Corinthians
and ignore it,
just doing the right thing.
Right?
So then when the sky Jew
sends his fire down,
we both die.
You understand?
I don't want to be
collateral damage
in God's homo drone strikes.
And I don't think
I'm out of line to say that.
Think about other people.
Think about other people
instead of thinking with
your gaping winker.
You know, gay...
This is in all seriousness.
I don't know if you know
a lot of gay people,
but if you know any gay men,
ask them.
They don't really do
all this anal
that everyone thinks.
You know that?
Everybody thinks
it's like a big ass party
they're having all day.
That's what everybody thinks,
but they don't really do that.
Like, ask somebody.
Half or more,
what I've been told,
don't do any anal anything...
Just oral and hand jobs
and middle school girl
bullshit, basically.
Shocking and a little bit
disappointing,
to be honest with you.
Thought they were
a lot cooler than that.
No anal.
If I was gay, I wouldn't put up
with that shit
for two seconds, dude.
Be like, "Bro, where's the anal?
"We're gay.
"This is what you call gay?
"I can do this at football camp.
"I came here to break out
the skoosh,
"and let's do this.
Get that squatch out."
Yeah.
Here, let me family it up
a little bit.
That is... here's how
out of line that is.
That's like
if you had someone over
for Thanksgiving dinner
and then just served
mashed potatoes the whole dinner
and nothing else.
And then you're the guest...
You're just sitting there,
a guest at that...
Just having plate after plate
of mashed potatoes.
Like, "Okay, is the turkey
coming eventually,
"because it's Thanksgiving?
That's what you do
on Thanksgiving."
And you're like,
"I'm just comfortable
making mashed potatoes.
I'm not ready to make
a turkey."
Be like, "All right, well,
I want potatoes.
"That's a big part of it,
"but that ain't what
this holiday is about,
"ultimately.
It's about moist turkey...
Moist, gaping turkey."
Think I got to explain
Thanksgiving to you.
Yeah.
And also I think you should
consider this, you know.
How many just terrible things
happen in the world...
Just, like, genocides
and atrocities in the world,
all that stuff...
How much of that
do you think is caused
when... by somebody who was gay
and they couldn't just be gay?
And they, like,
pushed it down, right,
and it made them crazy,
and they took it out
on the world,
and then a terrible thing
happened that killed... right?
How many things, do you think?
My guess is all of them.
Like, all of everything
that's ever happened.
That's what I guess.
So just let people be...
Do what they want, right?
Just... "Isn't world peace worth
a few destroyed buttholes?"
is my only message.
And I know
that's a heavy thing to say,
because let's face it,
straight man ass virginity
is the most precious virginity.
The most sacred virginity
of all virginity
is a straight man's asshole.
Yeah.
You thought your vagina?
You think your...
You think your stupid pussy
is even close to my untouched...
You think that?
What's wrong with you?
My butthole's worth
1,000 teenage Mormon vaginas.
That's how valuable
this virginity right here is,
this little piece of property
right here.
'Cause you might be saving
your vagina for marriage
or something stupid.
Well, guess what.
I'm saving my asshole
for no one.
And I'm gonna be in heaven,
all glorious.
Just gonna be in heaven,
watching over you,
my beautiful...
That happens a lot.
So come out of the closet.
That's what I'm saying.
I came out of the closet.
You know that?
For being straight, though.
'Cause I was...
I used to be a minister.
I was a Jehovah's Witness,
right?
And I was a minister.
Did I mention that?
I was a minister.
And... yeah.
That's how I know so much
about God.
You did not just hear
that discourse
of a guy who's trained
in theology?
Like, a guy who gets it?
But when I was six,
I used to knock on doors
when I was six years old,
which... that sounds,
like, dangerous,
to go to a stranger's house now.
I mean, I was with an adult,
but it's still, like, a...
It just sounds dangerous.
But you don't hear about
Jehovah's Witnesses
getting, like, grabbed up
by a maniac.
You never hear about it,
because nobody wants to talk
to Jehovah's Witnesses.
Even a maniac
with a severed human head
will hide behind his couch
with the...
"You think they're gone?
"Why would they do this
to people
"at 9:00 in the morning?
I got stuff to do,
you know?"
Yeah.
So I had to come out
of the closet for pussy, dude.
'Cause in the Bible...
If anybody was raised Christian,
if you're not married
and you have heterosexual sex,
that's as bad as being gay.
It's the same level...
Like, if you're just
having normal,
like, missionary,
whatever you do... whatever...
Just regular, you know,
nothing crazy?
That, you might as well
have shit on her tits
in the eyes of God.
That is what it says.
I'm paraphrasing,
but that is what it says.
It's... it's disgusting.
So my whole family
was gonna stop talking to me,
and I had to admit to my mom...
I had to call on the phone,
and I got to tell you...
I don't understand
what the problem is.
If you're wrestling with it,
like, just man the fuck up.
It's not hard, okay?
It wasn't hard for me.
'Cause let's face it,
if you're into it,
pussy is so much better
than your family, isn't it?
Like...
Your annoying family,
pain-in-the-ass family.
Put them right there
and then think of pussy, right?
Like, it took me two minutes
to make that decision.
"Hey, Mom, I'm out!
Fist pump!
Jersey!"
Click.
You can't just do that?
I get along with my mom
great now, though.
But we got in an argument
not too long ago,
'cause she thinks...
She thought...
I don't know
if she thinks it now.
She thought vaccinations
cause autism
because she saw MTV scientist
Jenny McCarthy.
Can't ignore that.
When Jenny McCarthy...
Something falls out of her face?
You got to listen to that,
right?
And by the way, it turned out
Jenny McCarthy's son,
thank God, by the way,
was not autistic, okay?
He was just half Canadian,
and it looks...
It can fool people.
But... yeah.
My mom was like,
"Well, where did all this autism
come from, then?
"You know, there was no autism
when I was in school,
right?"
Because they didn't know
how to diagnose autism properly,
and that's why.
You used to just call
those kids nerds.
You remember that?
There was a lot more nerds
and much less autistic kids,
and then they figured out
that you have to treat
those children
instead of just whaling
dodgeballs at them
in gym class,
which is the original treatment
for childhood autism.
Do you know how lucky you are
if you are autistic now
and not 30 years ago?
Some gym teacher...
"This kid is not dodging."
"He's just counting the balls.
"Like... I mean, I'm not a doctor,
but I think this is...
I think we got a nerd
on our hands."
I'm trying to quit smoking.
It's really...
I almost was about to quit
because of Terry the smoker.
Do you remember her?
The lady with the hole
in her throat on TV?
Yeah, that was a good ad,
because it really...
She takes half her face off
on the thing, and it...
And they ran that all day long,
and I'd be by my window smoking,
and then she would come on.
I'll never forget what she said.
Do you remember her message?
She goes...
Touche, Terry.
Wow.
Great point, Terry.
Thank you for saving my life
right now.
God bless Terry.
Yeah.
That's effective.
That's a very effective message.
And then...
But now what happened is...
She passed away, sadly,
so now they replaced her
with this new guy, okay?
I was really feeling Terry.
This new guy, Nathan...
You ever seen Nathan?
Do you know Nathan?
Nathan... here's Nathan's story.
And they use the same music
and background.
Nathan is Native American,
and he used to love to do
his native dances,
and he had too much
secondhand smoke at his job,
and now he can't dance
as much as he would like to.
The end.
That's the... yeah.
Really?
Okay.
After the lady
with the hole in her throat,
you're gonna go with Nathan's
fake dancing problems.
Let's not pretend
like that's the hardest dance
in the world, Nathan.
You're just stomping
in a circle.
It's not the Harlem Shake,
buddy.
And also, Nathan's 400 pounds.
Really, Nathan?
It was the secondhand smoke
at work,
that's why you don't dance
as much?
Is that what you tell the tribe
when they want to dance
with you?
Like, "You guys go ahead.
"I'm gonna be by this buffet
"just firsthand face-fucking
a plate of biscuits.
"While you keep
our traditions alive,
"I'll be here,
mashing food in my face.
Smoke."
And whose job has
that much secondhand smoke
in modern times,
enough to make you not dance?
Wow, you don't think...
All right, do you think
it was this...
And I hope it's not this,
and if it is this,
I'm gonna apologize to Nathan
and everyone here right now.
God forbid.
You don't think his job was,
like,
he had to stand really still
in a cigar store?
We don't do that to them, do we?
No, if that's what happened,
I apologize.
I am sorry...
If they did that to him
and he had to stand...
"Just stand there, Nathan!
Hold still while I smoke,
Nathan!"
"Please, I want to dance
my native dances."
"Shut up, Nathan!"
It's not that.
It's not that.
Did any of you guys buy
a "Rolling Stone"...
Collector's item probably...
"Rolling Stone"
of that Boston bomber kid?
When you read their names
for the first time,
those two guys,
were you like me?
Were you like, "My God.
Dinosaurs did this to us?"
"Really?"
"Dokasaurus Triceratops
"and his brother,
Pterodactyl Triceratops,
"came to this nation
from millions of years ago...
"that's what you're telling me...
"and somehow made bombs.
I don't know.
I've seen it all now."
They caught those guys
pretty fast...
The Boston Marathon bombers.
But I was very impatient.
I was like, "How come
I don't know right now
who did this?"
Because they didn't leave
a note.
What's so hard about
just leaving a note
after you murder
a bunch of people?
Can you just leave a little
"This is why this happens,"
so I don't have to sit there
wondering what everybody's...
Right?
Is that hard?
Even a dick like Bin Laden
would drop you a mixtape
twice a year
and let you know.
You get a Christmas card
from your family.
You get a Bin Laden tape.
"What's up with you guys?"
"I'm gonna kill all of you,
"so keep an eye out for that.
"It's me.
When it happens,
this guy did it."
Little bit of courtesy
not to much to ask for.
I don't know...
Why do terrorists...
I don't understand why,
like, Al-Qaeda or any...
Why do they even plot against us
anymore?
Like, why do they bother?
Just, like, leave us
with our gun collection, man.
Like, we got this.
They don't have to... you know?
Don't you think, when
a terrible shooting happens,
like, every other week,
how it happens...
Do you ever think about
how that hurts Al-Qaeda,
like, how that hurts them
inside?
To just...
They had one hit in 2001
and nothing that good
ever again.
They can't even keep up
with, like,
American Asperger kids
in senseless murdering.
Isn't that... that's got
to hurt you a little bit.
Trying to make plans,
and you're like,
"All right, we're gonna go
"to a movie theater
and shoot everyone
"in that theater.
They...
They did that already?"
"What movie was it?
"The new 'Batman'?
"Like, they were coming out
of the movie,
"and then the guy...
"they didn't even
get to see the movie?
"By Allah, that's cold.
"You don't even let a guy...
"he stood in line all night.
"You're not gonna just let him
see if Bane's cool or not?
"I don't even know what to do,
man.
"I'm gonna just go back
to working at my dad's Wendy's
or something and...
My dad's airport Burger King."
I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
how many more white people
have to die
before we get serious
about gun control?
No, how many is enough
precious white people?
- Damn!
It's... it's enough!
- I mean, call me old-fashioned.
Hey.
Call me old-fashioned,
but when I was coming up
and something happened
to white people,
we did something about it.
We didn't argue.
Joke's a 50/50,
but I do it every time.
But I love guns.
I'm not gonna lie.
I do love guns,
because I wasn't allowed
to play with toy guns
when I was a kid.
My mom took, like... 'cause she...
A lot of people think like this.
If you play with guns,
violent video games and...
You're gonna be violent.
The stupidest... you're...
If you think that, in this room,
you're a moron.
You really are stupid.
There's...
No one has ever shot anyone
because they were having
a great time
doing something they loved.
That has never happened once
in human history.
That's never happened.
You don't attack and kill people
because of fun reasons.
You do it because of
not fun reasons,
like you got fired
or broken up with, right?
Or, like, One Direction
doesn't write you back,
let's say,
and you were with them
from the start.
From the start,
you were with them,
and they don't say nothing?
They give you a form letter?
Someone's getting shot for that.
Not fun reasons, right?
So my mom gave me...
She took all the guns...
She took all the guns
off of my "Star Wars" men
and then just gave me the men.
Here's some men to play with.
Those are action figures!
That's the action:
the gun.
That's the action part of...
Now it's a doll.
Now I have dolls.
Thanks for the dolls.
"Hey, Darth Vader,
I don't have a weapon.
Let's just make out
'cause Kurt's mom's a dick."
we can't be violent.
Remember how Luke had a sword...
His lightsaber
came out of his arm?
On the... and she just
took the lightsaber out,
and there's just...
Now he's got a flashlight.
That's... now he's got a little...
And gently...
And I went to Alaska, which...
I don't know
if you ever been there,
but if you ever get the chance
to go to Alaska,
go to Hawaii instead of Alaska.
I would say don't bother
with Alaska.
It's not... there's no reason
to be there.
It's... I don't know.
People think it's God's country
or something
'cause there's mountains.
I don't understand
how people think,
but it's more like
a letter from God
that he doesn't give a fuck
about you.
Those mountains kill you;
all that stuff kills you.
And then you meet the people,
and it's like a letter from God
that abortion is fine.
"Hey, take a mulligan.
It's no big loss."
No, it's... a guy asked...
I was in a suburban area,
and a dude asked me
to bum a needle.
Like a cigarette.
He asked me for a needle like...
I've lived in every borough
of New York.
That's never happened to me.
A passerby...
"Do you have a spare needle?"
It's... Yeah.
And it was, like,
an eight-to-one
male-to-female ratio
where I was.
Eight-to-one.
And that one ain't good.
You don't want that one.
But, very confident.
Very confident fat chick
with a sled dog name,
I must say.
Really, Blue?
You're too good for me?
All right.
Wait, wait.
I'm not anti fat chick,
and I hope that does not...
I'm not coming across that way,
because I'm pro fat chick, okay?
My numbers are pretty clear
that I'm pro fat chick.
If you go to the record books,
I'm pretty cool.
But don't act
like you're too good for me now,
fatso, 'cause it's Alaska.
That's really... price gouging me
like I'm in...
Coming at me like
an airport Whopper, basically?
Like an $11 airport Whopper.
I know how much a Whopper
is supposed to be.
It ain't a steak
'cause I'm at the airport.
Yeah.
This is how...
I know it sounds mean to you,
but you don't understand
what they're like.
Like, some guy
went on before me.
I was doing a show,
and the first guy made a joke
that you would let Brad Pitt
harass you at work
because he's hot,
and a 300-pound waitress
next to me
yells at the top of her lungs,
"If Brad Pitt touched my ass,
I'd call the police."
Like she was angry at
just the thought of that, of...
Really?
That makes you that mad?
If Brad Pitt, like, right now,
came down from heaven
to this frozen shithole
that you live in
and actually touched
the beanbag chair
you call an ass
with his beautiful,
golden hands,
with his beautiful little
kabbalah strings hand...
You would call a cop?
You wouldn't call
all the papers in Alaska
to announce the greatest moment
of any Alaskan's life?
That's what you're telling me?
'Cause I wouldn't call the cops
on Brad Pitt.
If Brad Pitt grabbed my ass,
that'd be the most
interesting thing about me,
basically.
I mean, most of this show
would have been about
that experience.
The whole beginning...
He could be real mean about it.
Just hook his hand up
and really, like...
"What are you gonna do
about it, Kurt?
"I'm grabbing your ass
like a fat waitress.
What do you think of that?"
"Nothing, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your work
in the Sudan and this."
'Cause I was raised right.
By the way,
here's a fun fact about Alaska
that I bet you didn't know.
They just made it illegal
to have sex with animals there
in 2011.
Yeah, finally got that
on the books...
The "don't have sex
with animals" law.
Because it was becoming
a problem.
And if you see the women
they have there,
I got to believe
a lot of these guys
are making an honest mistake,
because it gets very dark.
By the way, I apologize
for all these jokes.
Did I apologize enough?
I live here,
so it makes you kind of...
Kind of messes your head up
a little bit
to live here for long enough,
you know?
It makes you crazy.
It's a rough place, New York.
Even if it's not like
how it used to be,
it's still intense.
Guys, it's just so much money
to live here,
to be, like, so...
Like, this close to everyone
all the time.
You're just jammed up
with everybody.
And, you know,
I don't know if you're all...
If you're not from here,
like, sometimes you wake up
and there'll just be,
like, a black dick
just mushed right in your face.
Like, first...
Like, nine times out of ten,
that's how you wake up.
Yeah.
Can't believe it.
You just wake up,
and you're like, "My God.
"This is $2,600 a month
to have this guy's
giant dick in my eyelids
when I wake up."
I'm exaggerating that
a little bit, but, I mean...
You have to ask for that.
That's not just gonna come...
That's not coming
with your apartment.
For $2,600, you think
you're getting dick
in your face?
No.
That's $3,000 easy, now.
Extra special features
like that...
I had a friend in Tampa
complain to me
that he couldn't pay his rent...
In Tampa, Florida.
You can't make your rent
in Tampa, Florida?
You can't come up
with some possum soup
and gator teeth?
One time a month,
you can't go in
your swamp of a yard
and pay your shirtless landlord?
And... wow.
But it's rough,
and then the kids here...
You know, you ever see...
Meet kids
that grew up in New York,
in Manhattan itself?
They're, like... they're creepy.
It's... kind of like
how mature they are.
Like, they got over
a coke problem
in the sixth grade
and, like,
all that "Gossip Girl" thing.
You know, like,
they've just done it all.
They're like these
weird old vampire children.
Intimidate you,
yet they can't drive or swim.
Yeah.
I don't blame 'em,
growing up here.
I only lived here ten years,
and here's something I saw...
This is one of the worst things
I ever saw here.
I'm coming out of the subway
on 80th Street...
80th Street and Broadway, okay?
The 1 train.
And I'm... I'm coming out,
and there's a homeless guy
flat on his back
with, like, just his head
kind of propped up on the wall,
like, the most homeless
you could be, dude.
I mean, really.
Like, "I'm so homeless, dude."
Like, it was so...
You know, there's levels.
There's levels of it.
There's levels.
There's a bunch...
You know, there's guys out here
that are running around,
holding open the door...
There's go-getter homeless,
right,
and then there's this guy.
There's, like, a guy with a sign
who's just a white kid
with dreadlocks, right?
"I'm not coming to you."
Level two.
And then this poor bastard's
just like,
"I'm not even moving.
"Just my head will be up
and nothing...
I'm not moving
any other part of my body."
And you get numb to it.
You really get numb to it.
You get numb to homelessness
and glue traps for mice...
Those two things... here, I find.
Glue trap... that's the most
horrific trap.
A mouse will pull their face off
on that.
It's the most vicious...
I mean,
I remember leaving one out.
I lived at this place
in the Village
that had mice, okay?
And I left one out,
and then I'd put them in a bag
and take it downstairs
and stomp on it,
'cause you have to.
I'm not gonna leave him
to pull his own face off.
So I got to do the right thing
and stomp this thing, right?
I was sh... I was on my couch...
I'm like...
Dude, I was traumatized.
Living creature that...
So guess what.
Six traps in,
I don't give a fuck, bro.
I'm like... I'm leaving 'em out.
Just die slowly, mouse.
I don't give...
Tell everyone.
Tell all the mice
what happened to you.
I'm, like, apoc...
I'm like Colonel Kurtz now.
"Apocalypse Now" of mice
right now.
I made a friend of horror.
And you got to do that
with the homeless too.
But...
Not put them in glue traps.
That's... wow.
Let me back up.
Make...
Please, do not put the homeless
in glue traps.
But you get numb to it.
But this really got to me,
seeing this guy like this,
because there were two lines
of people
coming in and out of the subway,
and they, like,
didn't even see him.
Like, they just didn't
even notice the guy.
This guy, like...
I mean, it was striking
how fucked up he was,
and you don't even look at him?
That's not right.
That's, like...
That's a human being, right?
So I'm like, "You know what?
"When I walk by that guy,
I am gonna make eye contact
with him."
"Yeah, I'm not gonna give him
any money or nothing,
but I'm gonna make
meaningful eye contact."
'Cause that is probably
valuable to him,
a guy on the floor
of some stairs,
if I come over and... ""
I see that you're homeless.
Take that with you.
"I'm a beautiful man."
So I'm getting close
to do my good deed,
and then when I got close,
I saw his pants were down,
which I didn't notice
from a distance.
When I was judging
the other people,
I didn't see that his pants
were all the way down.
And his arm was...
His arm was going pretty hard.
Yeah.
That thing was going.
And... but now it's too late.
I'm here for some eye contact.
"Hey!
"Look who's here
for some eye contact.
This guy!"
What?
I almost trip... yeah.
So I just... like a horror movie,
I followed his arm, like...
Yeah.
And do you know what I saw?
Well, there's no good way
to say it.
He had his hand
up his own asshole.
That's what I saw.
Yeah, that's the surprise twist
of the story,
was that he was fisting
his own asshole.
Yeah.
Yeah, you heard what I said.
You thought I was gonna say
he was jerking off.
Is that what you thought?
Country mouse, no.
No, no.
My...
You're a sweet kid.
Aren't you nice?
No, this is New York City.
They fist themselves here.
They fist their own asses here.
Just tearing into it
like it's a croissant.
My goodness, sir.
Yeah, not even sexual,
by the way.
It was frantic.
Like, let's say
you couldn't find your keys
in your asshole.
How you would...
"Do I not have my keys?"
Yeah, going to town.
And then...
Right then, we made eye contact,
meaningful eye contact.
Like...
Who looked away first?
He did.
That's who.
He did.
You don't back out of that
and show weakness.
Also, you get in fights
with people here
that you don't expect.
Like, it's not like fights
where you just like...
You know, I think I'm gonna
fight some guy my size.
You get in fights with
just random people of all...
Old ladies.
You know, like, you fight with,
like, a weird variety of people,
a lot of times about cabs.
I get in a lot of cab fights.
'Cause there's just not enough
cabs here.
I don't know what's going on,
but I can't... sometimes...
This is no lie.
Using all of my whiteness,
I cannot...
Just stand at the corner.
They just drive by me with,
like, whiter people than me?
I don't know what's happening.
There's gingers and albinos
laughing at me.
Calling me mean words.
So I got in a fight
with this lady for a cab,
and so I called her, like...
Well, have you ever seen...
Did you ever see
the movie "Precious"?
Have you guys seen "Precious"?
Black people, have you seen,
not "Precious"...
Have you seen "Precious"?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Have you seen...
But this is more...
This is a more important
question.
Have you seen
"The Human Centipede,"
which is like our "Precious"?
That's, like, our very...
Movie for white people to watch.
It's, like, the same kind of...
Like, it's like people
trapped in a bad situation.
They don't know
how to eat right.
You know?
Don't have a good diet,
so it's like, it doesn't
end up good for them.
But here's my problem
with "Precious."
That's not a true story.
That's made up.
Do you know that?
That's not a real girl.
They made her up.
Why are you making up this girl
and doing these things to her?
What... like, who's getting
helped by that,
from "Precious"?
'Cause I'll tell you
who's not getting helped.
Girls that look like Precious,
their lives are destroyed
right now.
Their lives were ruined
by that movie,
'cause I got news for you...
You piss me off
and look like Precious,
I'ma call you Precious.
Like, you don't even
have to look like her that much.
So I called this lady
White Precious,
and she looked very surprised,
like...
She thought she couldn't
get called Precious
'cause she was white.
Bam!
White Precious!
That's how clever I am.
Quick on my feet.
'Cause we were
fighting over a cab, you know?
And I was just running late.
I was an hour late
for something.
I couldn't find any cabs,
and I finally see
one cab coming.
And there's White Precious
getting my cab.
But I didn't call her
White Precious for that.
I went up to her,
and I go, "Excuse me, miss.
"Do you think we could
share this cab?
"Like, I'm really desperate,
and I'm late,
"and I'll pay you for your ride,
wherever you got to go.
I just got to get
to where I'm going."
And then this
is her exact reaction.
"My God,
get the fuck away from me!
Help! Help me! Help me!
Somebody help me!"
I'm doing exactly what she did.
Like, if you were being
sexually assaulted
in broad daylight
how you should yell,
'cause I asked to share a cab.
And I didn't call her
White Precious for that, okay?
The first thing I did
was check to see
if my dick was out
just to be... just to be extra...
Like, before we start yelling
"White Precious" at people,
maybe your penis
is on the outside
of your pants,
and that's why you can't...
You know?
If everybody's yelling
and there's no cabs for you.
"Miss, please, I'm desperate.
"Can you...
"I'll pay any amount of money
that you want
if you would just let me
cram in there."
Yeah.
So it was in my pants.
I go, "Shut up, White Precious!
"Nobody's coming at you
in a sexual way.
What am I, your dad?"
That is a direct...
I'm telling you
a real quote from me.
Yeah, I said that,
and then... and she goes,
"If you don't stop harassing me,
I'ma call the police."
I go, "Call a cop right now.
"I want to see a cop's face
when you tell him
"that I attempted to scale
and rape you.
"I want him to write that on...
"I want him to take out a pad
"and have to write that
with a straight face,
"that, in broad daylight,
"I thought I'd throw it all away
"and tackle a dump truck
and lift up its flannel shirt
"to find a fuckin' opening.
"Call a cop.
I'll wait.
"I'll wait.
Call a cop.
Go ahead, call a cop."
Yeah.
I take it too far sometimes.
Way overboard with that.
And then she did call the cops,
and it got kind of real
because I don't know
if you ever heard yourself
getting described to the police
by someone
who's calling the police,
but it's very upsetting...
Like, you know,
how you stick out.
Like, "He has very strange
eyebrows and nostrils.
"I don't know if he's Turkish
or something.
I don't know what the hell"...
And then she goes,
"He has a blue gym bag."
And when she said
"blue gym bag,"
I was like, "Shit,"
because I had just bought,
like, all my weed for the month
that, like, I had in this bag.
That's why I was late,
'cause I was buying
a month's supply of weed.
By the way, don't buy
a month's supply of weed.
You're not gonna make it
last a month, idiot.
So one second, I'm real cocky.
I'm like, "Yeah, fatso,
I'd like to see...
God, weed!"
And I had to run...
And I had to run in...
I ran into traffic
and hid at CVS
for 20 minutes
while the cops came.
So the moral of the story is,
you don't have to be nice
to people,
but just don't carry
illegal shit on you
while you're doing it.
That's all my time, guys.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much
for coming to my show.
I appreciate it.
Thanks.