Krippendorf's Tribe (1998) - full transcript

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG
THAT I WONDER *

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG
THAT I WONDER *

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG
THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG
THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA



* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG
THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG
THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *



* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *
* HEY, HEY

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER *

GIVE THIS
TO YOUR MOTHER.

SHE'S THE ONE
WITHOUT THE PENIS SHEATH.

WOW.
THANK YOU, DARLING.
WELCOME.

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM
STILL HAS ITS POWER **

WHAT'S UP ?

HEY, MICKEY, MICKEY,
WAIT UP.

HEY, HEY, SULUKIM !

HEY, HEY, HEY,
YOU LOOK GREAT.

SULUKIM, HAMAMASS.

HAMAMASS. THANK YOU.
HAMAMASS.

PAPA SULUKIM !

SHELLY !

YES, LET'S ALL GO
TO THE PARTY.

NO, SULUKIM,
IT'S A LOST TRIBE.

WE WANNA FIND THEM.
WE NEED YOU TO GUIDE US.
NO GET.

JENNIFER,
YOU EXPLAIN IT TO THEM.

OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO GET.

- HI.
- AAAH ! OH ! OH !
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ?

DAD, MY HAMSTER DIED.

OH. OH.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, UM, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU
TO THE PET SHOP AFTER SCHOOL...

AND GET YOU ANOTHER ONE,
OKAY ?

I DON'T WANT
ANOTHER HAMSTER.

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I KNOW, MICK.

YOU WANT DR. LEAKEY BACK.

ACTUALLY, I'D RATHER
HAVE A DOG.

WHAT WAS I THINKING ?

WHAT-- OH, JEEZ !
IS THAT A "YES" ?

EDDIE, SHELLY, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, WAKE UP !

COME ON, WE'RE LATE !

YOU'RE LATE.
WE'RE FINE.

HEY, EDDIE.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE
FIVE-YEAR-OLD, HUH ?

NOTHING. GREAT, GREAT.
NICE TALKIN' TO YA.

WE'LL DO IT AGAIN
REAL SOON.

WHOEVER IT IS,
I'M NOT HOME.
HELLO ?

AH !

UH-HUH.
APRIL 3 ?
HOW DOES THAT HELP ME ?

THE YEAR !
I NEED A YEAR.

DAD, IT'S MR. SCHRAMM
FROM THE BANK AGAIN.

TELL HIM I DIED.

HE SAID HE'S DEAD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DEAD--

MICKEY, PUT ON THIS SHIRT.

IT SMELLS.

OH.

THIS SMELLS TOO.
ONLY IT SMELLS LIKE YOU.

HMM.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF ?
HELLO !

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR LUNCH ?
CASH.

COME ON, EDDIE.
LET'S GO GET YOUR SHOES.

WHEE-EE !

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

I'M SORRY. I RANG
THE DOORBELL A BUNCH OF TIMES,
BUT NO ONE ANSWERED THE DOOR.

- EXCUSE ME.
- I'M VERONICA MICELLI
FROM BOUNDERBEE UNIVERSITY.

- I WAS IN YOUR
GRADUATE STUDIES SEMINAR.
- I AM VERY BUSY HERE.

MAY I SAY SOMETHING ?
WHAT ?

YOU'RE THE REASON
I BECAME AN ANTHROPOLOGIST.

YOU ARE AN ANTHROPOLOGIST ?
YEAH, I'M ON
THE FACULTY NOW.

WE ARE COLLEAGUES.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING ?

THRILLING.
I KNOW.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION ?
OF COURSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?
SHOULDN'T THE QUESTION BE:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

ONE OF THE GREATEST
ANTHROPOLOGICAL MINDS
OF OUR TIME.

A MIND THAT HAS NOW DISCOVERED
A LOST CIVILIZATION
THAT NO ONE--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?
THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE
UP THERE !

YEAH. UP THERE...

WITH ALL THE OTHER GREAT MINDS
THAT ARE ALREADY UP THERE.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,
I WANT TO JOIN YOUR TEAM.
AND YOU WILL.

I WILL ?
TEAM KRIPPENDORF.

AND YOU'RE THE CAPTAIN.
OKAY, THERE'LL BE A NEWSLETTER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SUCH A BIG FAN
OF YOUR LATE WIFE'S.

AND SHE, YOU.
YES.

WELL, IT'S GREAT
TO HAVE YOU ON BOARD.
REALLY, REALLY.

WE'RE ALL LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
THANKS FOR STOPP--

OKAY, BUT WHAT
ABOUT TONIGHT ?

WELL, TONIGHT--
WELL, I'M VERY FLATTERED
BUT I HAVE TO WASH MY HAIR.

I MEAN THE LECTURE.
THE LECTURE ?

OH, YOU'RE GIVING A LECTURE.
THAT'S GREAT. YOU'RE GONNA BE
WONDERFUL. DRIVE CAREFULLY.

OH, PROFESSOR,
IT'S YOUR LECTURE.
EXCUSE ME ?

TONIGHT, ON THE UNDISCOVERED
TRIBE OF NEW GUINEA.

THAT'S TONIGHT ?
MM, AT 7:30.

DIDN'T YOU GET MY FAX ?

PROFESSOR,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?
YEAH.

YOU ARE READY, AREN'T YOU ?
OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I'M READY.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING
ABOUT A FAX ?
I-I DON'T SEE ANY--

UH, YEAH, I SENT YOU
SEVERAL FAXES.

WELL, THERE DOESN'T
SEEM TO BE ANY FAX.

I'M NOT FINDING ANY--
OH !

THERE'S, UH--
SEE ? RIGHT HERE.

"PROXMIRE FOUNDATION
STAFF AND MONEY--"

YEAH, THAT'S A FAX.
"LECTURE, MONDAY--"

ON THE LOST TRIBE
THAT YOU FOUND.

WELL, IF I TOLD YOU
I LOST THEM AGAIN,
COULD I GET AN EXTENSION ?

OH, PROFESSOR.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF !
EXCUSE ME.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF, LOOK !
HOO-HA, HOO-HA,
HOO-HA, DOKTAHICHI.

HOO-HA, HOO-HA, HOO-HA,
DOKTAHICHI.
OH, MICKEY !

HOO-HA, HOO-HA--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP THERE ?

I'M GIVING DR. LEAKEY
A GOTONTA TREE BURIAL.

IT'S MY PROJECT
FOR THE SCIENCE FAIR.

HOO-HA, HOO-HA, HOO-HA,
DOKTAHICHI.

MICKEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE.

IT'S ALIVE ! IT'S ALIVE !

MICKEY !
I WANTED TO SHOOT A BURIAL,
YOU STUPID HAMSTER.

MICKEY, STOP !
GET BACK HERE !

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
MICKEY !
I THINK I'LL BE GOING NOW.

- DO YOU HEAR ME ?
- SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT THE BUS IS HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I WANTED A DOG,
YOU STUPID HAMSTER !

MICKEY, PUT THE RAKE DOWN
AND GET ON THE BUS.

YOU CAN FINISH KILLING YOUR PET
WHEN YOU GET HOME.

PUT THE RAKE DOWN.
THERE WE GO.
GIVE ME THE CAMERA !

HAVE A GOOD DAY, KIDS !
MAKE ME PROUD.

COME HOME DIFFERENT.

SO WHAT CAN I DO
TO HELP YOU ?
NOT A THING.

I'M A WHIZ
WITH DATA ENTRY.
UNDER CONTROL.

PROOFREADING ?
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

OKAY, SHOULD YOU NEED
ANYTHING AT ALL, LOOK,
I WROTE DOWN MY HOME NUMBER,

AND THAT'S MY FAX NUMBER,
AND THAT'S MY CEL PHONE.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

PLEASE. I FEEL WE SHARE
A COMMON GOAL WITH THIS.
THANK YOU.

DON'T MENTION IT.

BEEPER !
THANK... YOU.

OKAY.

THANK YOU !
OKAY.

MMM, GOOD ? MMM, GOOD.

NO, NO, THAT'S ENOUGH. NO MORE.
YOU KNOW WHAT FRUIT DOES TO YOU.
I SAID NO.

MMM. MM. OH.

HEY, PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,
NICE TO SEE YOU BACK.

WELL, I GUESS YOU CAN
COME HOME AGAIN.

RUTH.

POPO.
HOW ARE YOU ?

HE'S A LITTLE
FLATULENT TODAY.

OH, THAT WAS HIM.

OH, JAMES, YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD
SUCH A WAY WITH TOILET HUMOR.

WHICH REMINDS ME,
I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO TONIGHT'S LECTURE.

ARE YOU ?
YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO ASK YOU,

DID JENNIFER WRITE
THIS GRANT PROPOSAL,
OR DID YOU ?

WHY DO YOU ASK ?

WELL, JENNIFER,
AS WE ALL KNOW, WAS BRILLIANT,
BUT THIS PROPOSAL IS SO VAGUE,

SO INSUBSTANTIAL,

SO... YOU.

HOW ARE YOU ?

I'M FINE, RUTH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ASKING.

I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT.
I'M NOT GONNA WISH YOU LUCK
TONIGHT...

BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU DON'T NEED IT.

- I'LL SAY A LITTLE PRAYER
INSTEAD.

I HAVE... NOTHING !

COME ON, MAN !

CHILDREN,
YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS HERE.

- YOU'RE LATE.
- OH, SEE YA !

OH, WHY DON'T THE CHILDREN
SPEND THE NIGHT HERE ?

ARE YOU SERIOUS ?
AGAIN ?
SOUNDS LIKE A NO.

OPEN. GO, GO, GO !
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
TURN THE CHILDREN AGAINST US ?

YES, IRENE, IT'S PART
OF MY MASTER PLAN.
SHELLY.

HOW YOU MANAGED
TO DRAG OUR DAUGHTER
TO THOSE SQUALID JUNGLES...

STILL REMAINS
A MYSTERY TO ME.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DRAG HER.
MY MOTHER WAS AN EMINENT
ANTHROPOLOGIST.

THANK YOU.
AND WHATEVER HER REASONS
FOR MARRYING DAD WERE,

WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
I THINK.

BUT NO ONE EVER
DRAGGED MOM ANYWHERE.

ANGRY.

OOH.

CAN I HELP THE NEXT PERSON
IN LINE PLEASE ?

NINE-PIECE McNUGGET, PLEASE.

WHAT ?

ISN'T IT A LITTLE BIT LATE
TO BE WRITING YOUR SPEECH NOW ?

I'M POLISHING.
WANT IT ?
WANT IT ? COME GET IT.

COME ON, YOU POOR BABY.
COME ON. YOU JERK.

YOU WANNA GET IT ?
SON OF A--
OH, JUST--

WAY TO GO, EDMUND.
WHAT IS THIS ?

IT'S WHAT'S LEFT OF
THAT STUPID SPACE SHUTTLE BANK
YOU BOUGHT HIM IN ORLANDO.

HE PUT IT IN THE BLENDER.
IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.
ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.

SETTLE DOWN !

WHAT A BUNCH
OF SAVAGES.

OW.
I HAVE AN IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
SETTLE UP-- DOWN.
NOW LISTEN.

WHY DON'T WE--
WHY DON'T WE-- WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE, UM, DO
WHAT NORMAL FAMILIES DO,
OKAY ?

THEY SIT AROUND THE DINNER TABLE
AND THEY TELL STORIES.

HUH ? WHAT DO YOU THINK ?
OH, IT'S FABULOUS.
PARTY TIME.

W-WHAT KIND OF STORIES ?

STORIES. GOLLY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE
ABOUT ONE OF OUR TRIPS
TO NEW GUINEA TOGETHER.

AND WHY'S THAT ?

AND BOYS, LET'S TRY TO BE
AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE.

EDMUND ?

NO, NO, TALK TO ME.
TALK TO YOUR DAD.

TALK TO ME FOR ONCE.

EVERYTHING WAS GREEN
AND BEAUTIFUL.

THEN MOM DIED.

JIMMY, CAN YOU DROP
SOME FRIES, PLEASE ?

THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

GET BACK HERE,
YOU LOSER !

MICKEY.
GOTCHA.

GET OFF HIM.
COME ON !

GET INSIDE.
GET UP THE STEPS.
GET INSIDE.

I'M SICK OF THIS.
HEY-HEY, HEY-HEY, HEY.

I SPOKE TO HIM THIS MORNING--
OH, EXCUSE ME.

UH, PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.
OH, TINKER BELL.

HELLO. LISTEN, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO CALL YOU ALL DAY...

BECAUSE I HAVE THESE GREAT
PUBLICITY IDEAS THAT I
WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

I WOULD RATHER
THAT YOU DIDN'T.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WOULD RATHER
THAT YOU BACK OFF.

EXCUSE ME.
I, UH--

THANK YOU, GOD.

GOOD EVENING.
GENTLEMEN.

MY NAME IS
PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

UH, PROFESSOR.
I'M HERE TO BEGIN THE--
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ?

YOUR LECTURE'S
ACROSS THE HALL.

EXCUSE ME.

COME ON.

GET IN THERE
AND BEHAVE YOURSELF.
LECTURE'S IN HERE.

QUIET. COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON.
I'M SICK OF THIS.

RIGHT THIS WAY.
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.

GERALD.

THAT'S KRIPPENDORF.
KRIPPENDORF.

JAMES !
PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.
LOOK, EVERYBODY.

GERALD, I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.
WHAT, NOW ?

JAMES, WHAT THE HELL'S
WRONG WITH YOU ?
ARE YOU NERVOUS ?

GERALD.
DON'T YOU SEE THE CROWD
OUT THERE ?

I'M TELLING YA,
THIS IS HOT.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
GERALD.

HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN
EACH OTHER ? TWENTY YEARS.

CHARLIE FARRICK'S OFFICE.
AS SOON AS WE FINISH SPRUCING
IT UP, IT'S YOURS, ALL YOURS.

GOOD. UH, YOU SEE,
THE THING IS,

UH, AFTER JENNIFER DIED,
I KINDA CRACKED UP.

YOU KNOW,
IF IT WAS JUST ME--
FARRICK'S GOING TO JAIL.

UH, JAIL ?
YEAH.

CHARLIE FARRICK
IS GOING TO JAIL ?

CAN YOU BELIEVE
THE SON OF A BITCH
WAS ROBBING US BLIND ?

HE WAS ?
OH, YEAH.

HE STOLE.
HE STOLE GRANT MONEY
FOR PERSONAL USE.

HE DID ?
OH, YEAH, AND HE NEVER
EVEN DID THE RESEARCH.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
NEW YORK HOTELS,

BROADWAY PLAYS,
FLOWERS, HOOKERS.

UH, OH, UH--

GOLLY, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DO
THIS KIND OF THING ALL THE TIME.

NOT TO ME, THEY DON'T.
NOT TO ME.

CHARLIE'S GONNA DO TIME
FOR THIS, JIMMY.

HARD TIME.

SO, YOU READY, HUH ?
YOU READY TO GO OUT THERE
AND RAZZLE-DAZZLE THEM, BUDDY ?

HUH ?
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO !

I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS IS GONNA BE BIG.
REALLY BIG. IT BETTER BE.

HI.

EXCUSE ME, PEOPLE.
COULD WE SETTLE DOWN ?
CAN I HAVE SOME QUIET, PLEASE ?

EVERYBODY TAKE THEIR SEATS.

GOOD. THANK YOU.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
- HE'S TERRIFIED.

COLLEAGUES,
DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,
PRESIDENT PORTER.

THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN
EAGERLY ANTICIPATING
HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.

I KNOW, YOU'RE ALL CHOMPING
AT THE BIT TO HEAR ABOUT
THIS TRULY ASTONISHING WORK.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU
AND WITH GREAT PRIDE,

I GIVE YOU MY OLD FRIEND
AND DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUE,

PROFESSOR JAMES KRIPPENDORF.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR, UH, FOR COMING.

UH, FIRST, I-I, UH,
WOULD LIKE TO, UH, APOLOGIZE...

FOR THE ABBREVIATED NATURE
OF THIS FIRST PROXMIRE LECTURE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE DEPARTMENT
FOR THE EXTRA TIME TO PREPARE...

BEFORE I DID
THESE PRESENTATIONS.

HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY, THE TRIBE
IN QUESTION. UM--

THE TRIBE IN QUESTION,
UH, UM--

WELL, ISOLATED FROM THE WORLD
BY, UH, MOUNTAINS...

AND, UH, UH,
EXTENSIVE SWAMP LAND,

UH, THE, UH, TRIBE IN QUESTION
HAD BEEN UNTOUCHED
BY CIVILIZATION...

UNTIL, UH, TWO YEARS AGO...

WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED...

BY MY WIFE AND MYSELF.

UM... QUESTIONS ?

OKAY. OKAY.

THE, UH--
THE, UH, UM--

- PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF ?
- YES.

IN THE PROPOSAL
FOR THIS GRANT,

IT IS WRITTEN, AND I QUOTE:
"I BELIEVE WHEN FOUND,
THEY WILL ASTOUND US."

YES, UH, THAT, YES--
"THEY WILL ASTOUND US."
YES, THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

GIVE US AN EXAMPLE.

- UH, AN EXAMPLE OF--
- OF HOW THEY WILL ASTOUND US.

OF HOW THEY WILL ASTOUND US.
YES.

UM, WELL, THEY WILL ASTOUND US--
YOU, UM--

UH, BECAUSE THEY HAVE
A DOMESTIC UNIT.

A DOMESTIC UNIT,
WHICH UNTIL NOW...

IS UNHEARD OF
IN NEOLITHIC SOCIETY.

AND WHAT IS
THIS DOMESTIC UNIT ?

THAT IS A, UH--
WHAT WE WOULD CALL
A SINGLE-PARENT HOME.

YOU'RE SAYING
A YOUNG FEMALE...

IS ALLOWED TO RAISE
A FAMILY BY HERSELF ?

NO, I AM-- I AM SAYING SOMETHING
MORE REMARKABLE THAN THAT.

I AM SAYING THAT,
UH, THE SINGLE PARENT
IN THIS INSTANCE... IS MALE.

WELL, THAT'S A FIRST.

I FIND IT FASCINATING.

SO DO I, PROFESSOR MICELLI.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THE SINGLE FATHER--
IF I MIGHT CALL HIM THAT--

IS HIGHLY REGARDED
IN THIS COMMUNITY.

HE IS CALLED THE UTABAJI,

WHICH LITERALLY TRANSLATES AS
"THE ESTEEMED SINGLE PARENT."

YOU MEAN THE MALE IN QUESTION
DID NOT RUN OFF...

AND FIND ANOTHER FEMALE
TO IMMEDIATELY OPPRESS ?

NO, THAT'S NOT THE WAY
THEY OPERATE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WITH ALL OF THE INCREDIBLE
DIFFICULTY THAT THEY HAVE,

SINGLE FATHERS
WITH CHILDREN...

HAVE IMMENSE PRIDE
IN THE COMFORT
AND CLEANLINESS...

OF THEIR DOMESTIC HUT.
WHAT ARE THEY CALLED ?

HUH ?

DO THEY HAVE A NAME,
PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF ?

OF COURSE THEY HAVE A NAME.
UH, UH--

THE, UH, THE "SHELMIKEDMU."

- THE SHEL-- SHELMIKEDMU.
- WHAT ?

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

BUT, PROFESSOR,
WITHOUT SEXUAL PARTNERS,

WOULD THIS NOT CAUSE PROBLEMS
FOR THE, UH, SOCIAL BALANCE
OF THE COMMUNITY ?

AH, THAT IS
AN EXCELLENT QUESTION.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT IS A SUPERB QUESTION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE DO HAVE
AN OBJECT HERE TODAY...

WHICH SOLVES
THAT VERY PROBLEM THAT
YOU WERE MENTIONING.

I'M SORRY. HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, UH,
THIS LITTLE ITEM HERE...

IS CALLED
BY THE SHELMIKEDMU
A SHUTAL.

A SHUTAL, SEE ?
THAT TAKES TALENT.

IT'S A VERY, VERY
POWERFUL TOTEM.

IT HAS, AS YOU CAN SEE,
BOTH A MALE AND A FEMALE PLUG.

AND IT IS, IN FACT,
A MARITAL DEVICE.

I-I-IT'S A NEOLITHIC DILDO.

WOULD YOU CARE TO, UH--
PASS THAT DOWN
TO DR. ALLEN, PLEASE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT HOME
FOR THE WEEKEND
IF YOU'D LIKE.

HMM.

THANK YOU.

WONDERFUL.

OUTSTANDING ! I ESPECIALLY
LIKED THE WAY YOU HANDLED OUR
RESIDENT BLOWHARD, RUTH ALLEN.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING
TO BE PART OF THIS.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.
OH !

MRS. PROXMIRE
WILL BE THRILLED WHEN
I TELL HER HOW WELL IT WENT.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
QUITE A RELIEF.

OH, YES.
YES, YES.

WHEN CAN I SEE
THE FILM ?

YOU DO HAVE FILM,
DON'T YOU ?

OF COURSE HE HAS FILM.
OH, MY GOD,
IT'S MAGNIFICENT FILM.

THE IMAGERY.
WHEN I FIRST SAW IT,
I WAS AMAZED.

EXCELLENT.
I'LL PLAN TO SCREEN SOME
AT THE LECTURE ON FRIDAY.

WE'LL BE THERE.
MM-HMM.

SEE YOU THEN.
ISN'T THIS EXCITING ?

OW. WHAT ?
FOOTAGE IS GOOD, ISN'T IT ?

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,
THIS IS MR. SCHRAMM AT THE BANK.

I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED
YOUR CHECK. CALL ME.

THANK YOU.

- WHAT'S THIS FOR ?
- A URINE SAMPLE.

I WANNA KNOW
WHAT DRUGS YOU'RE ON.
I HAD TO TELL THEM SOMETHING.

HOW ABOUT THE TRUTH ?

THAT I SPENT ALL THE MONEY AND
I DIDN'T COMPLETE THE RESEARCH.
THAT'D DAZZLE 'EM.

- HOW BIG A GRANT
DID THEY GIVE YOU ?
- A HUNDRED THOUSAND.

DOLLARS ? AWESOME.

WE DIDN'T SPEND IT ALL
IN NEW GUINEA, SO HOW COULD YOU
SQUANDER THAT MUCH MONEY ?

SQUANDER ?

LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS,
MY LITTLE "SQUANDEES."
FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER.

BIG SCREEN TVs, VCRs,
COUNSELING SESSIONS.

THOSE WERE
A WASTE OF TIME.
CLEARLY.

T-THEY EXPECT TO SEE
FILM FOOTAGE.

EXCUSE ME.
WHO IS THE ADULT
IN THIS ROOM ?

DON'T ANSWER THAT !
I AM THE ADULT
IN THIS ROOM.

A SMALL POINT:
THE ADULT IN THIS ROOM
DOESN'T HAVE ANY FILM FOOTAGE.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO TRIBE.

YEAH ? WELL, EVERYBODY
IN THAT AUDIENCE TONIGHT
THINKS THERE IS A TRIBE.

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT IS VERY, VERY TRUE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ?

WHAT I AM SAYING IS...

THAT YOU TAKE
A LITTLE NISHOWIKU...

AND YOU ADD
A LITTLE IMATOSA,

AND YOU THROW IN A DASH
OF KATANKA,

AND YOU'VE GOT
THE SHELMIKEDMU, HUH ?

THEY WANT THE SHELMIKEDMU,
THEY'RE GONNA GET
THE SHELMIKEDMU.

HUH ?

SO, UH, LET'S GET
SOME PALM TREES.

NO PALM TREES.
WE DON'T NEED PALM TREES.

ALL RIGHT, UH,
VENUS FLYTRAPS ?
VENUS FLYTRAPS ?

* HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
CLOSE TO TRAGEDY *

* OR BEEN CLOSE
TO FOLKS WHO HAVE *

* HAVE YOU EVER FELT THE PAIN
SO POWERFUL *

* SO HEAVY YOU COLLAPSE

NO ? WELL...

* I NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *
IT'S TOO SKINNY.

I'M WORKING ON IT.

IT NEEDS TO BE
ABOUT THIS MUCH WIDER.
OKAY.

LOOK AT THIS.
YES.

* I NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD
I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE
IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION
THAT I GET *

OH, HELLO, PUMPKIN.
HOW ARE YOU ?

DO YOU REMEMBER ME
FROM YESTERDAY ?
I'M VERONICA MICELLI.

I'M FRIENDS WITH YOUR DADDY.
I BROUGHT THIS REALLY NICE
REPORTER HERE.

WE JUST WANNA ASK HIM
A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS--

* I NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD
I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE
IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION
THAT I GET **

COME ON, GUYS !

WE'RE LOSIN' THE LIGHT.

HEY ! THE SHELMIKEDMU DO NOT
ALLOW PICTURES TAKEN WITHOUT
THE RITUAL BODY PAINT ON.

- NICELY PUT.
- IT IS OUR WAY.

YO !

IT'S REALLY GREAT,
YOU KNOW THAT ?
WHAT ?

THE WAY YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, ALWAYS
HELPING OUT AROUND HERE,
DOING THINGS FOR US--

THE ANSWER IS NO.
WHAT ?

I'M NOT PLAYING BOO-BOO,
THE NATIVE GIRL.

SHELLY, IT'S ONLY ONE FILM.

YOU'RE A FRAUD.

I NEED YOU.

NO WAY.

SHELLY !

NOW CATCH THE CHICKEN.
IF IT DOESN'T COME IN A BUCKET,
I DON'T TOUCH IT.

SHELLY, DON'T BREAK MY HUMP,
OKAY ?

CATCH THE CHICKEN.
THEY'RE GONNA REPOSSESS
MY HUT.

COME ON, COME ON.
LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

GO, GO, GO !
GO !

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.

QUICKER, QUICKER.
COME ON, LET'S GO.

SHELLY ! SHELLY !
THAT'S IT. COME ON.

GET YOUR HANDS
ON THE LITTLE SON OF A--

E-EXCELLENT WORK.
VERY, VERY GOOD.

- NOW WHAT ?
- NOW COOK THE CHICKEN.

I JUST CHASED POULTRY
THROUGH MY BACKYARD
LOOKING LIKE TAMMY FAYE BAKKER.

YOU OWE ME.

THANK YOU, BOO-BOO.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?

TO A FRIEND'S.

SHUT UP !
BESIDES, YOU'RE PART
OF OUR TRIBE.

THERE IS NO TRIBE.
OH, AND ONE SMALL POINT:

MAYBE EDMUND'S TUTU
SHOULD HAVE A FEW MORE LEAVES.

- I MEAN, HOW MANY NEOLITHIC
TRIBES PRACTICE CIRCUMCISION ?
- WHOOPS.

BOO-BOO HAS MADE
AN EXCELLENT POINT.

THAT WILL BE THE SUBJECT
OF OUR FILM.

A RARE, PRIMITIVE
CIRCUMCISION RITUAL.

YES !
IN WHICH THE OLDER BROTHER
PERFORMS THE ACTUAL DEED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS NOT NIGHTMARE
ON "SHELMIKEDMU" STREET.

THIS IS A DELICATE RITUAL
BETWEEN BROTHERS.

SH--
SORRY.

ALL RIGHT,
YOUR WEE-WEE'S ON THE LOG.
OKAY. NOW WHAT ?

THE YOUNG SHELMIKEDMU BOY
SITS AT THE EGALA ALTAR...

WAITING FOR HIS OLDER BROTHER
TO GUIDE HIM THROUGH
THE PORTALS OF MANHOOD.

EGALA ALTAR.
THAT'S A NICE LITTLE DETAIL.

THERE'S A SPIDER
ON THE LOG.

- OH, OH, OH.

OH, OH. MICKEY.
THERE WAS A SPIDER.

OH. WHATEVER.

OKAY,
LET THE CEREMONY BEGIN.

EXCUSE ME, UH, WHAT EXACTLY
IS THE OLDER BROTHER DOING ?

HE IS COMPLETING
THE RITUAL DANCE...

IN WHICH HE ASKS THE GODS
TO PROTECT THE YOUNG BOY...

FROM MANY BRIDES WHO WANT HIM
AND HIS PIG WEALTH.

HEY, YOU PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT
INTO THIS, HAVEN'T YOU ?

IT'S MY TRIBE.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

EDMUND, YOU'RE--
YOU'RE LOOKING UP
TO THE GODS WITH TREPIDATION.

TREPIDATION.

TREPIDATION, TREPIDATION,
TREPIDATION.

UM, WELL, YOU'RE REALLY AFRAID
THAT YOUR BROTHER IS GOING TO
CHOP YOUR WEE-WEE OFF.

AH, THERE WE GO.
EXCELLENT TREPIDATION.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FOOTAGE
FROM OUR LAST TRIP
TO NEW GUINEA.

OKAY, WE JUST NEED TO SHOOT
A FEW MORE PIECES.

LOOK AT THE CAMERA.
ONE, TWO, THREE, AH !

COME ON, AH !
AH !

- ONE, TWO, THREE.
- AH !

EXCELLENT.
DID YOU GET THAT ?

NO, HERE. TILT THAT.
THERE YOU ARE.

CAN YOU SEE HIM NOW ?
THERE WE GO.
OKAY, READY ?

MAGUNGA.

EDMUND, LOOK MISERABLE.

EXCELLENT.

HERE GOES NOTHIN'.

GOOD JOB.

AT FIRST GLANCE, THE SHELMIKEDMU
APPEAR TO BE A SOMEWHAT TYPICAL
NEW GUINEA TRIBE,

AS UNREMARKABLE
AS THEY ARE UNDISCOVERED.

HOWEVER, THAT ALL CHANGED
WHEN WE BEGAN TO FOCUS IN...

ON ONE PARTICULAR
FAMILY UNIT.

ALTHOUGH THERE IS, UH,
NO EVIDENCE,

UH, OF CIRCUMCISION
AMONG OTHER NEW GUINEA TRIBES,

WE FIND THAT CIRCUMCISION
IS A RITUAL USED
BY THE SHELMIKEDMU.

NOW, THE UNCIRCUMCISED CHILD
OF A SHELMIKEDMU FAMILY HERE...

IS WAITING PATIENTLY
AT THE EGALA ALTAR
FOR HIS OLDER BROTHER...

WHO WILL BE THE ONE
TO GUIDE HIM INTO MANHOOD.

MAGUNGA.
HERE, THE OLDER BOY IS HANDED
THE SACRED POLA BAR...

BY THE NATIVE SHAMAN.

NOW, THIS AXE, WHICH HAS BEEN
FASHIONED FROM STONE,

HAS BEEN USED TO CIRCUMCISE
TRIBAL MEMBERS FOR THOUSANDS
AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING.
THE OLDER BROTHER HERE
IS PERFORMING A RITUAL DANCE,

THE PURPOSE OF WHICH
IS TO ASK THE GODS
FOR A STEADY HAND...

FOR WHAT WILL SURELY BE
A DELICATE, UH, PROCEDURE.

AND HERE WE ARE.

- AH !

QUITE REMARKABLE, YES ?

AMAZING.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,
I WONDER IF YOU COULD TALK TO
A COUPLE OF MY STUDENTS HERE.

I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO GO
TO MY SON'S SCIENCE FAIR.
SCIENTIST !

CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK.
OH, PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.
PROFESSOR.

PROFESSOR, I HAVE SOMEBODY
I WANT YOU TO MEET.

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU
PRIVATELY FOR A SECOND ?

THIS IS AN INTERVIEW
WITH VERONICA MICELLI
ABOUT THE SHELMIKEDMU.

YEAH, I KNOW.
DOES THAT UPSET YOU ?
YES, IT DOES UPSET ME.

THANK YOU. GOD.
SEE, ME, TOO,
BECAUSE THEY TOLD US...

THEY WERE GONNA GIVE US
A FULL-COLOR PHOTO
AND THREE COLUMNS.

THE POINT IS:
YOU HAD NO RIGHT
TO GIVE THIS INTERVIEW.

WHAT ? THIS PAPER HAS
A CIRCULATION OF 35,000, JAMES.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT !

PROFESSOR !
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.

WILL YOU SHUT UP !
IT IS NOT YOUR LECTURE.
IT IS NOT HER TRIBE.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOU.

AND THIS ARTICLE
IS A BRAZEN ATTEMPT
AT SELF-PROMOTION.

I AM CRUSHED THAT
YOU WOULD SAY THAT, JAMES.

MAY I CALL YOU JAMES ?
NO !

BUT, SPEAKING OF PROMOTION,
I HAVE SOMEONE I WANT YOU
TO MEET.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,
MEET HENRY "SPIVVEY."

SPIVEY. I'M A GREAT ADMIRER
OF YOURS, PROFESSOR.

I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN
MORE THRILLED TO RECEIVE
YOUR CALL.
MY CALL ?

WELL, MR. SPIVEY OPERATES
A NEW CABLE TV NETWORK...

DEDICATED TO ANTHROPOLOGY
CALLED PRIMAL TIME.

- YOU'RE JOKING ?
- NO, I AM NOT, AND I WANT YOU
TO COME ON BOARD.

GIVE ME THE TELEVISION RIGHTS
TO THE SHELMIKEDMU STORY.

NO.

PROFESSOR, WE SHARE
THE GOAL OF MAKING ANTHROPOLOGY
ACCESSIBLE TO THE COMMON MAN.

THE COMMON MAN
COULD GIVE A SHIT.

WELL, NO, THAT'S JUST BECAUSE
ANTHROPOLOGY HAS NEVER BEEN
PRESENTED TO THEM...

AS RELEVANT
TO THEIR LIVES BEFORE.

OUR LITTLE SHELMIKEDMU
DEAL WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS
THAT WE FACE EVERY DAY:

LONELINESS, DESPAIR,
INTENSE SEXUAL LONGING.

UH, NEXT WE HAVE
MICHAEL KRIPPENDORF...

WITH HIS PROJECT ON
A TRIBE FROM THE JUNGLES
OF NEW GUINEA.

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL.

I AM A MEMBER
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU TRIBE.

THESE PIGS, A STAPLE
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU'S ECONOMY,

ARE ADORNED
WITH HORNBILLED BEAKS
AND BIRD-OF-PARADISE FEATHERS.

THIS STRUCTURE IS CALLED
AN OJATANI.

IT IS USED ONLY ONCE
BY THE WOMEN OF MY TRIBE.

IT IS BUILT TO HOUSE
A YOUNG VIRGIN...

EXPERIENCING
HER FIRST MENSTRUATION.

- WHAT DID HE SAY ?

AT FIRST SIGNS OF MENSES,
THE YOUNG FEMALE IS ANOINTED
WITH PIG URINE...

AND PLACED IN THE MENARPAT,
WHERE SHE WILL REMAIN
FOR THREE DAYS...

UNTIL THE SPIRITS OF MAIDENHOOD
HAVE LEFT HER BODY.
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING ?

THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
NEXT WE HAVE ADAM KANT
AND HIS LIMA BEAN GRAPHS.

BECAUSE SHE'S IN HER FIRST DAYS
OF MENSTRUATION,

- I'VE PLACED ABBEY TOURNQUIST
IN THE MENARPAT.
- OH, MY GOD, IT'S ABBEY !

I SHALL NOW DOUSE HER
WITH THE SACRED PIG URINE.

AAAAH !

PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS.

- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.
CAN I TALK TO YOU ?
- ABBEY, COME OUT OF THERE NOW !

NOT UNTIL I'M PURIFIED.

DISCUSS IT ? DISCUSS ?
DISCUSS WHAT ?

I AM NOT SENDING MY KIDS
TO ANY BOARDING SCHOOL.

HEY ! TIME OUT,
TIME OUT, TIME OUT !

UNFORTUNATELY, THESE PROBLEMS
ARE NOT CONFINED TO MICKEY.

HIS BEHAVIOR SEEMS TO BE
AFFECTING EDMUND.

EDMUND WAS ASKED TO DRAW
"WHAT I ENJOYED MOST
ABOUT MY WEEKEND."

LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THAT DRAWING.
I WANNA SEE THE DRAWING.

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU ?
GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF IT.

WOULD YOU STOP ACTING
LIKE A CHILD ?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST
CALM DOWN HERE.

THE FACT IS, A SCHOOL
LIKE CHESTER HILLS,

WITH ITS EMPHASIS ON DISCIPLINE,
IS PROBABLY A BETTER CHOICE.

MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.

I APOLOGIZE.

I GUESS THINGS MIGHT HAVE
GOTTEN OUT OF HAND,

AND, UH, I'M NOT MAKING
ANY EXCUSES,

BUT I SHOULD TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS.

I DON'T WANT MY KIDS
TO GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL,

SO FROM NOW ON,
NO MORE CRAZY BEHAVIOR.

THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

ANOTHER MAGICAL DAY IN
THE KRIPPENDORF HOUSEHOLD,
MR. SCHRAMM.

THE CHILDREN ARE ALL READY
FOR SCHOOL,

AND THEY'RE CLEAN AND COIFFED
AND ANXIOUS TO EMBARK
ON ANOTHER DAY OF LEARNING.

MICKEY,
TAKE THAT HEADDRESS OFF.
I MEAN, TAKE THAT RED DRESS OFF.

I MEAN, TAKE THAT RED DRESS
AND GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER.

WHAT ? I-- NO, SIR.

NO, SIR,
THE CHECK IS IN THE--
YES, I'LL HOLD.

OF COURSE I'LL HOLD.

GOOD MORNING,
SWEETHEART.

DARLING, HONEY,
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION...
SERIOUSLY ?

ARE YOU HAPPY ?

THE COLOR WON'T COME OUT
OF MY HAIR.

FORECLOSURE ?
ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

NO, NO, NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT
YOU WEREN'T SERIOUS. NO, NO.

LEO--
MAY I CALL YOU LEO ?

MR. SCHRAMM,
I KNOW THAT DEADLINES
ARE NOT MEANT TO BE IGNORED,

BUT PLEASE DON'T DO
ANYTHING RASH.

THE CHECK WILL BE IN YOUR HANDS
BY 3:00 THIS AFTERNOON.

I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'LL BRING IT MYSELF.

I'M READY TO MAKE A DEAL.

VERONICA !

- CAN I TALK TO YOU
IN PRIVATE FOR A SECOND ?
- YES.

I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.
OKAY, SO HOW WE'RE GONNA
PLAY THIS--

DON'T GIVE AWAY
THE MERCHANDISING !

THIS IS AN INSULT
TO ANTHROPOLOGY.

THAT'S RIGHT, AN INSULT.
THIS SEEMS FINE TO ME.

JAMES' STYLE HAS ALWAYS
BEEN UNCONVENTIONAL.

UH, UNCONVENTIONAL.
GERALD, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
THIS IS TABLOID ANTHROPOLOGY.

THE SHELMIKEDMU DEMI-BRA ?

IT'S TABLOID.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.

OH, YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.
I'VE NEVER BEEN JEALOUS
OF ANYONE IN MY LIFE.

BULLSHIT. THE SHELMIKEDMU
HAVE CAPTURED THE IMAGINATION
OF THE PUBLIC.

UNLIKE YOUR MUSTY
OLD GALINCAS.

WHICH
BY COMPARISON STRIKE ME AS--
OH, WHAT'S THAT WORD ? BORING.

KRIPPENDORF IS SENSATIONALIZING
THIS TRIBE FOR HIS OWN
FINANCIAL GAIN.

OH, GET A GRIP.

PROFESSOR, PLEASE,
JUST-- PLEASE !

JAMES' STYLE MAY NOT BE
TO YOUR LIKING, BUT MISS MICELLI
IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THANKS TO KRIPPENDORF'S TRIBE,
THIS DEPARTMENT'S REPUTATION
IS GROWING BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS,

AND I, FOR ONE, AM DELIGHTED.

WELL, YOU MAY BE FALLING
FOR THIS SHELMIKEDMU CRAP,

BUT EVERY INSTINCT IN MY BODY
TELLS ME THAT THIS STINKS
TO HIGH HEAVEN.

- EXCUSE ME, RUTH.
- MINE TOO !
- MINE, TOO, PROFESSOR.

IN FACT, I DON'T THINK
THERE IS A SHELMIKEDMU TRIBE.

ALL RIGHT,
MISS PROFESSOR KNOW-IT-ALL.

IF YOU'RE SO SURE THERE'S
NO TRIBE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF
TO MOUNT BOSAVI AND PROVE IT.

- I SHOULD.
- THAT'S RIGHT. SHE SHOULD.

- GO AHEAD.
- I JUST MIGHT.

- BE MY GUEST.
- HAH ! I WILL !

LORI AND I
WILL LEAVE TOMORROW.
THAT'S RIGHT, TOMORROW.

WE WILL ?
RUTH. RUTH !

* BOOGIE FEVER

* YOU GOT TO BOOGIE DOWN

* BOOGIE FEVER

* I THINK
IT'S GOIN' AROUND **

OH, MY GOD,
I'D FORGOTTEN.

OH, THE DECAY,
THE STENCH.

THE CHAOS.

OH, POPO, WE'RE HOME.

SO MUCH CLEANER
IN THE BOOKS.

WE'LL GO FIND SOMEONE
TO TAKE US WHERE WE'RE GOING.

LORI, YOU LOOK POSITIVELY GREEN.
YOU SHOULD EAT SOMETHING.

WHO WANTS TO GET WORK ?

YOU !
ME LIKE GO LONG BOSAVI NOW.
NO BOSAVI. NO.

ME LIKE BUY 'EM
TRIPLE MAN.

GO BOSAVI.

NOT ME !
NOT ME !

YOU, ME, GO BOSAVI NOW.

I-I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

NOW, FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU,

PERSONAL APPEARANCE
IS OF PRIMARY CONCERN.

AND FOR THE YOUNG PEOPLE,
ESPECIALLY THE TEENAGERS,

ONE SECOND.
THESE RITUAL OBLIGATIONS
ARE TERRIBLY PAINFUL AND--

PSST, PSST, PSST.
AND ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.

IT'S RANDOM HOUSE.
THEY LOVE US.

SIT DOWN !

UM, THE RITUALS
THAT I SPOKE ABOUT...

ARE PERFORMED IN A SMALL
AND SACRED SHRINE...

DAD, SHELLY'S BEEN
IN THE BATHROOM FOR AN HOUR !

LOCATED NEAR THE SLEEPING AREA.

IN THE CENTER OF THAT SHRINE
IS AN ALTAR AFFIXED TO A WALL.

INSIDE THESE ALTARS ARE
VARIOUS TALISMEN AND POTIONS.

LET ME IN !
I'M BUSY.

MUCH ATTENTION IS PAID
TO THE UNDERARM,

A SACRED PART
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU ANATOMY.

GOOD OR BAD FORTUNE IS BELIEVED
TO EMANATE FROM THIS AREA.

OH, WELL.

ANY OTHER--
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS ?

YES ?
DO THE SHELMIKEDMU
PRACTICE DIVORCE ?

WELL, WHEN A SHELMIKEDMU COUPLE
WISH TO DIVORCE,

THE TRIBAL EQUIVALENT
OF A LAWYER IS APPOINTED
TO EACH SIDE IN THE MARRIAGE.

EVERYBODY CONCERNED
WORKS VERY HARD TO AVOID
AN ANNULMENT FROM HAPPENING.

HOWEVER, IF A DIVORCE, IN FACT,
TAKES PLACE,

THE TWO LAWYERS ARE EXECUTED.

YES ! YES ! YES !

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
WE CAN LEARN
FROM THE SHELMIKEDMU,

EXCEPT FOR THEIR HAIR
AND MAKEUP.

ANOTHER BRILLIANT LECTURE,
PROFESSOR.

I AM ANXIOUS TO SEE
WHAT YOU COME UP WITH
FOR OUR SWEEPS WEEK VIDEO.

UH, SWEEPS WEEK VIDEO ?

YES, I PAID YOU
FOR IT LAST WEEK.
I NEED IT BY MONDAY.

AH, SWEET POTATO.

IT EXAMINES THE ROLE OF THE
SWEET POTATO IN SHELMIKEDMU
AGRICULTURE.
SWEET POTATO.

BORING.
WHAT, BORING ?

WELL, LET'S SPEAK FRANKLY HERE.
WE NEED RATINGS.

NOW, WE HAVE THEIR ATTENTION,
BUT WE NEED SOMETHING
THAT GRABS FOCUS.

NOT SWEET POTATOES.
PRECISELY.

SUCH AS--
SEX.

SHELMIKEDMU SEX VIDEOS ?

MATING RITUALS, JAMES.
ONE OF THE CORNERSTONES
OF ANY FIELD RESEARCH.

YOU DID COVER THEM,
DIDN'T YOU ?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

BESIDES, NO ONE IS GONNA
WANNA WATCH THE SHELMIKEDMU
DO EACH OTHER.

CERTAINLY NOT.
HOW VULGAR.

UNLESS SCIENTIFICALLY
PRESENTED, OF COURSE.

DON'T MOVE.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

WOULD ANY OF YOU
BE INTERESTED IN WATCHING
A ONE-HOUR SPECIAL...

ON THE MATING RITUALS
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU ?

YOU MEAN SEX VIDEOS ?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
YES.

OH, VERY INTERESTED.
WHAT NIGHT
WILL IT BE ON ?

DISCOVERY CHANNEL,
EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

LOOSEN UP, JAMES.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCUSS THIS
OVER A DRINK ?

MM.

THE SHELMIKEDMU
COURTING CHANT.

WHEN A SHELMIKEDMU MALE
WISHES TO WOO A FEMALE,

HE BREAKS THE ICE
WITH A DRINK OF FERMENTED
JUTEBERRIES AND BANANA SAP.

ANOTHER BRANDY,
PROFESSOR MICELLI ?

OH, CALL ME VERONICA, PLEASE.

I REALLY DON'T THINK
I SHOULD.

NO, A LITTLE MORE.

THANK YOU.

SO...

ARE YOUR CHILDREN
SLEEPING ?

THEY'RE SPENDING THE EVENING
AT THEIR GRANDPARENTS'.

OH.

AHH.

WHAT'S THAT ?
THIS ?

OH ! THIS IS A KIEFO.

THE SHELMIKEDMU USE IT
WHEN CHOOSING A BRIDE.

OH.

HOW DOES IT WORK ?

WELL, UH, THAT'S, UH,
VERY GRAPHIC.

PLEASE.
YES, OKAY.

UM, JUST BEAR IN MIND
THAT I'M SPEAKING TO YOU
AS A SCHOLAR...

AND NOT AS A MAN
WHO FINDS YOU
UNBELIEVABLY ATTRACTIVE.

THE PROSPECTIVE
SHELMIKEDMU BRIDE...

HOLDS THE KIEFO THUSLY,
ALLOWING HER BREASTS
TO FALL OVER THE EDGE,

SUGGESTING THE POSSIBILITY
OF HER FERTILITY.

A SORT OF SHELMIKEDMU
WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

YEAH.

NOW THESE LINES HERE,
UM, INDICATE...

HOW LARGE THE BREASTS
MIGHT BE...

AND ALSO DETERMINE PAYMENT.

ONE PIG'S WORTH,
TWO PIG'S WORTH,
THREE PIG'S WORTH,

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH
AND SO ON.

OH.

HERE, LET ME BE
THE SHELMIKEDMU VIRGIN.

AH.
OOH, THERE WE GO.

HOW DO I STACK UP ?

UM--

WELL, AS THE SHELMIKEDMU
WOULD SAY,

JAGABONDO !

WHICH ROUGHLY
TRANSLATES AS, UH,

MORE PIGS THAN YOU CAN
POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

WEE-WEE-WEE,
ALL THE WAY HOME.

OH.
WHAT'S THIS HOLE FOR ?

THAT HOLE--

BY GOLLY, I THINK
YOU FOUND OUT WHAT
THAT HOLE IS FOR.

EXTRA CREDIT
FOR PROFESSOR MICELLI.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS HAD
A CRUSH ON YOU.

WHEN I WAS IN YOUR SEMINAR
ON THE KINAPOSA,

YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS
THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE ROOM.

YOU WE THE ONLY WOMAN
IN THAT ROOM.

BE HONEST.
ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME ?
UH-HUH.

UH-HUH. ARE YOU
JUST SAYING THAT 'CAUSE
I'M HOLDING YOUR PENIS ?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SLIP IN
TO SOMETHING MORE...

COMFORTABLE ?

MM-HMM.

AH, AH, AH.

AH, YEAH, YEAH.

I ALWAYS WONDERED IF
ALL THOSE MONTHS IN THE JUNGLE
WOULD CHANGE A MAN,

BUT, JAMES,
I HAD NO IDEA.

YOU'RE A WILD MAN.
COME HERE.

* A-WIMOWEH, A-WIMOWEH
A-WIMOWEH, A-WIMOWEH *

WIMOWEH.

OOH.

LAST NIGHT
WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

MMM, YES, IT WAS.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO TODAY ?
UM, LET'S SEE.

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER GOOD
WHEN COUPLES WORK TOGETHER,

SO I'VE DECIDED THAT THIS
SHELMIKEDMU THING IS OVER.

MM-HMM.

I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THIS SHELMIKEDMU THING
IS OVER ?

WE JUST CAN'T INVADE
THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE'S LIVES
ANY MORE THAN WE ALREADY HAVE.

WHY NOT ?
WHY ?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT.

WELL, WELL, WHAT WAS
LAST NIGHT ABOUT THEN ?

ARE YOU SAYING THAT LAST NIGHT
HAPPENED ONLY BECAUSE YOU WANT
TO BECOME A PARTNER...

IN THE SHELMIKEDMU ?

NO ! WHAT I AM SAYING IS,
I THOUGHT THAT WE--
THAT WH--

GODDAMN IT,
WHERE IS MY SHOE ?

YOU KNOW WHAT ? I WORKED
MY BUTT OFF TO MAKE SHELMIKEDMU
THE TALK OF ANTHROPOLOGY.

WHO ASKED YOU ?

OH, FIND YOURSELF A GENIUS.

GORDON.
JAMES.

CAN WE TALK ?
UM--

AS YOU KNOW,
IRENE BELIEVES THE CHILDREN
BELONG IN CHESTER HILLS,

BUT, REALLY, ALL SHE NEEDS
IS ASSURANCE...

THAT THE CHILDREN
ARE BEING RAISED IN A DECENT
AND SANITARY ENVIRONMENT.

YOU ARE AN EGOMANIACAL MONSTER.
DO YOU KNOW THAT ?
I'M AT THE FRONT DOOR.

WHO'S THAT ?
MY NEW HOUSEKEEPER.

HOUSEKEEPER !

HOUSEKEEP THIS !

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
THE IRONING, MISS MICELLI.
HAVE A NICE DAY OFF.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE ?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE ?

OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

THE OLD SCHOOL
TYPE OF HOUSEKEEPER.

RUNS THIS HOUSE ANY WAY
SHE WANTS, AND GOD HELP
THE PERSON WHO GETS IN HER WAY.

UH, TUESDAY, AS USUAL ?

KISS MY NEOLITHIC ASS !

A PROUD WOMAN.
I TRY TO BE SENSITIVE
TO HER FEELINGS.

YOU FORGOT YOUR GOAT,
MISS MICELLI.

HURRY UP. LICK, LICK.
WE'RE ALMOST UP ON TOP.

HURRY UP !
YOU MUST HURRY UP !

DAY THREE.
DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS,

THE MOOD OF THE EXPEDITION
HAS TURNED AGAINST ME...

AND HEAVY WEATHER THREATENS
TO DELAY US EVEN-EVEN MORE--
MORE THAN--

MY GOD, THAT HAS GOT TO BE
THE GREATEST ASS I'VE EVER SEEN
ON A MAN.

OLE, MAN.

WHAT'S WRONG ?

WHAT'S WRONG ?

YES, BOSAVI.
MAKE WAY ! GO !

YOU CAN TALK TO ME.
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH
THIS BOSAVI THING ?

TOO DANGEROUS ?
TOO SACRED ? WHAT ?

NO.
TOO FAR UPHILL.

GIVE ME THAT !

WOMAN KNOWS
HOW TO CUT THE BUSH.

DIE, KRIPPENDORF !
LYING, CHEATING--

- OH, MAN, YOU GO.
- AAAH ! AAAH !

LICK, LICK !
KRIPPENDORF !
AAAH ! AAAH ! AAAH !

THE SHELMIKEDMU UTABAJI
EMBRACES HIS DEATH
WITH COURAGE AND DIGNITY.

OHH ! AHH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY WE HAVE TO KILL HIM.

I TOLD YOU--
SO WE CAN GET RID OF
THIS "SHELMIKEDMU" CRAP.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
THE SHELMIKEDMU FAMILY
COULD CELEBRATE THE HARVEST.

NAH !
COME ON, MICKEY.
LET'S GO.

OKAY. READY FOR
MY SWEET POTATO,
MR. DeMILLE.

OKAY, ACTION.

- GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.
- WHAT ?

- YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T
DOING ANY MORE OF THESE.
- OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

I'M DYIN' WITH DIGNITY
OUT HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY
LIVING WITH SOME ?
I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT ?

GEE, LET'S SEE.
WELL, WE'VE HAD
THE BACKYARD CIRCUMCISION.

WE'VE DANCED WITH THE PIGS
TO ENSURE MY FERTILITY.

THAT ONE REALLY
CHANGED MY LIFE.

SO, WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP ?
CANNIBALISM ?

HEY, MRS. O'BRIAN,
ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING
TONIGHT ?
OH ! SHIT !

WE'RE HAVING A BARBECUE.
WEAR SOME HOT SAUCE.

WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN !

LISTEN TO YOU,
MS. HIGH AND MIGHTY,
TOO BUSY TO HELP YOUR FAMILY.

THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT,
AND IT DOESN'T CHANGE
THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A LIAR.

I HAD TO LIE !
NOT TO ME,
YOU DIDN'T.

EVERY TIME
YOU DO ONE OF THESE,
"IT'S THE LAST ONE."

THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

SHELLY, WHY DO YOU THINK
I'M DRESSED THIS WAY ?
I'M KILLING THE UTABAJI.

YOU ARE ?
YES !

AFTER THIS, IT'S OVER.
I'M KILLING THE SON OF A BITCH
AND BURYING HIM.

WHEN ?
NOW.

AND AFTER THIS,
IT'S BACK TO NORMAL.

"NORMAL."

WHO IS THAT ?

THAT'S IT !

PORTER AND ADAMS SAW ME.
WE'RE DEAD !

DAD. DAD !

DAD !
WHAT ?

THEY DON'T KNOW
IT'S YOU.

PERFECT.

EDMUND, GO OUTSIDE
AND HIDE IN THE HUT.

MICKEY, GO TO THE DOOR.

DEAN ADAMS.
COME IN.
THANK YOU.

WHO-- WHAT--
WHAT WAS THAT ?

WE JUST SAW
THE STRANGEST THING.
UH-- UH, THAT ?

WELL, MY FATHER WANTED
TO SURPRISE YOU,
BUT, UH--

HE BROUGHT ONE
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU
HERE TO AMERICA.

OH, THIS IS MARVELOUS.
UNBELIEVABLE.

ARE YOU SERIOUS ?
ARE YOU SERIOUS ?
THIS IS INCREDIBLE !

GERALD ?
YES, JAMES ?

WHO'S THAT WITH YOU ?
PRESIDENT PORTER,
JAMES.

I'M SO UPSET.
YOU SPOILED MY SURPRISE.

YOU HAVE OUTDONE
YOURSELF, JAMES.

I CAME HERE
THIS AFTERNOON...

TO TALK YOU INTO EXTENDING
YOUR LECTURE SERIES,
PROFESSOR,

BUT I NEVER
IMAGINED THIS.

- WHO COULD ?
- SO, BRING HIM OUT.
I WANT TO MEET HIM.

I WOULD,
BUT, UH, HE'S PRAYING.

YEAH, UH, JUST ONE--
ONE, UH--

OH. YEAH.
EXCUSE ME.

DID YOU KNOW
HE WAS PLANNING THIS ?

YES.
YES, YES, I DID.

MAY I USE THE PHONE ?
SURE.

HE'S GOT AN INCREDIBLE
SENSE OF HUMOR.

- HOW LONG IS HE HERE FOR ?
- UH, JUST A LITTLE WHILE.

UM, HE'S ON A SUPER SAVER.

I'D LIKE HIM TO MEET
A FRIEND OF MINE.

OH, I-- I'D LIKE THAT,
BUT I DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA BE, UH, POSSIBLE.

Y-YOU SEE, HE HAS TO
GET BACK FOR, UH--
FOR SHELRIKU.

YES ! THAT'S RIGHT.
HE HAS TO GET BACK
FOR SHELRIKU.

UH-- UH--
THE SWEET POTATO HARVEST.

THE SWEET POTATO HAR--
GOD, THAT IS RIGHT !

EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.
THAT'S RIGHT.

HAS THE SWEET POTATO HARVEST
COME SO QUICKLY AGAIN ?

GOSH, ONLY
28 MORE CROPPING DAYS
TILL SHELRIKU.

HOLD ON. IT'S MY NEPHEW.

HE BOOKS TALENT
FOR A TALK SHOW,
AND HE LOVES THE IDEA.

- EXCELLENT !
- TALK SHOW ?
OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

NO, NO, HE'S GOT A, UH--
NO.

NO, NO. NO.
YES !

TOMORROW IT IS, THEN.
IT'S SETTLED.
CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES.

OH, DON'T YOU THINK
THE ALUMNI ASSOCIATION...
THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING...

* WISHBONE WORLD'S
MOST COLORFUL FACE *

GOOD EVENING,
AND WELCOME TO
ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

LIFE OF THE SHELMIKEDMU.

TONIGHT WE ARE AIRING
A VERY SPECIAL...

AND PERHAPS
CONTROVERSIAL ASPECT...

OF PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF'S
UNIQUE TRIBE:

THE MATING RITUALS
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU.

I FEEL OBLIGED
TO CLARIFY...

FOR THE VIEWER...

THAT THE MATERIAL
PRESENTED TONIGHT,

OFFENSIVE AS IT MAY BE
FOR SOME...

AND INAPPROPRIATE AS IT MAY BE
FOR CHILDREN,

IS OFFERED AS
SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH.

AND NOW,
SIT BACK AND ENJOY.

THE MARRIAGE OF A SHELMIKEDMU
MALE AND FEMALE...

IS CONSUMMATED IN THE RELATIVE
PRIVACY OF THE PENUMANA,
OR MATRIMONIAL HUT.

KEEPING TO CENTURIES
OF TRADITION,

THE VILLAGERS
WAIT OUTSIDE THE HUT,

SINGING AND HOPING FOR
A SUCCESSFUL AND FERTILE UNION.

HO-HO !

AFTER YEARS
OF DOMESTIC DRUDGERY...

THE YOUNG BRIDE
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS
RARE CHANCE TO LET LOOSE,

ACTING IN A WAY THAT,
TO THE UNTRAINED WESTERN EYE,
MIGHT APPEAR AS DRUNKENNESS.

GO, BABY !

WILD JUNGLE WOMAN.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

I'D DO HER.

OWW !
HA HA !
LOOK AT THIS !

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR ?
I WASN'T TALKIN' ABOUT YOU.

LIFE OF THE SHELMIKEDMU
WILL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.
SHAKE IT, BABY !
SHAKE IT !

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE ON
THE LARRY SWIFT SHOW, JAMES.

IT'S A GREAT HONOR,
I KNOW, BUT--

LOOK, SIMON, I NEED YOU
TO DO THIS FOR ME.

BUT THE SHELMIKEDMU,
THAT'S YOUR BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU APPEAR
ON THE SHOW YOURSELF ?

I WOULD, BUT I TOLD YOU
I HAVE TO FLY HOME
FOR MY BROTHER'S FUNERAL.

BUT I'M CONCERNED, JAMES.
I DO NOT SPEAK SHELMIKEDMU.
YOU'LL BE FINE.

JUST FOLLOW THE NOTES.
LOOK, I'M GONNA BE LATE
FOR MY FLIGHT.

THE UTABAJI'S
GONNA BE HERE ANY SECOND.
YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

GO, GO, GO.
I'M GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU.
IT WILL BE AN HONOR.

I'M ASHAMED I SUPPORTED RUTH
WHEN SHE LEFT FOR NEW GUINEA
TO DISCREDIT YOU.

WHEN WAS THAT ?
LAST TUESDAY.

AND NOW BACK TO
THE LARRY SWIFT SHOW.

CAMERA TWO.
WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE HERE DISCUSSING
THE AMAZING DISCOVERY
OF DR. JAMES KRIPPENDORF.

UNFORTUNATELY,
A DEATH IN HIS FAMILY MEANS
HE COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT,

BUT WE HAVE THE HELP
OF HIS COLLEAGUE
SIMON ALONSO.

HELLO, SIMON.
HELLO, LARRY.

AND WELCOME,
CHIEF KAWANAKAPI.

A TRADITIONAL
SHELMIKEDMU GREETING.

OH. HAMASS !
HAMAMASS !

THEY MUST GO THROUGH
QUITE A FEW TABLES
WHERE HE COMES FROM.

UH, WHAT IS HE SAYING,
SIMON ?
UM--

YOU KNOW, LARRY, I--
LARRY, I--

WAIT A SECOND.
MY PRODUCER IS TELLING ME--

OH, WE HAVE FOUND AN EXPERT,
SOMEONE WHO IS FLUENT
IN SHELMIKEDMU.

- YOU DID ?
- YES, AND HERE SHE IS NOW.

PROFESSOR VERONICA MICELLI,
A COLLEAGUE OF YOURS
AT BOUNDERBEE UNIVERSITY.

HI,
PROFESSOR MICELLI.
SHELMIKEDMU.

SHELMIKEDMU.
HI.
NICE TO SEE YOU, ALONSO.

YOU CAN GO.
UH, NO, I PROMISED
PROF. KRIPPENDORF--

GO !

I HAVE TO GO, LARRY.

PROFESSOR,
YOU'RE AN AUTHORITY
ON THE SHELMIKEDMU ?

THAT'S RIGHT, LARRY.

ACTUALLY, IN ANTHROPOLOGICAL
CIRCLES I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING
BUT REPLACE PROF. KRIPPENDORF...

AS TH EXPERT
ON THE SHELMIKEDMU.

NOT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY
FROM HIS STUDIES, OF COURSE,
AS INCONCLUSIVE AS THEY ARE.

NOW THE SHIT-AH
HIT-AH DA FAN-AH.

COULD YOU ASK THE CHIEF
HIS INITIAL IMPRESSIONS
OF THE UNITED STATES ?

OH, SURE. UH--

YOU-AH...

BITCH.

MMM.

HE SAYS IT'S A VERY LARGE
AND FRIGHTENING COUNTRY,

FULL OF THINGS HE THOUGHT
EXISTED ONLY IN MYTH.

AND HE SAID THAT IN ONLY
THREE SYLLABLES ?
IT'S A VERY CONCISE LANGUAGE.

SADLY, THIS IS THE CHIEF'S
FINAL APPEARANCE IN AMERICA.

HE FLIES HOME TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT MAKES THIS VISIT
VERY SPECIAL INDEED.

COULD YOU PLEASE
EXPLAIN HIS COSTUME
FOR US ?
GLADLY.

I GUESS THE MOST OBVIOUS
ORNAMENT TO THE WESTERN EYE
WOULD BE THIS PENIS SHEATH.

UM, ITS INTENTION IS TO
INTIMIDATE OPPOSING TRIBES.

NOW, INTERESTINGLY,
MY RESEARCH HAS PROVEN...

THAT THE SIZE
OF THE MAN'S SHEATH
IS IN DIRECT CONTRAST...

TO THE SIZE OF--

LET'S JUST SAY,
THE BIGGER THE SHEATH...

THE SMALLER THE--
OBVIOUSLY.

NOW, PROFESSOR,

WHAT IS THE CHIEF
DOING NOW ?

THIS WOULD BE A SIGN
OF AFFECTION...

AMONGST
THE SHELMIKEDMU.

- PRETTY MUCH
THE SAME THING WE DO HERE.
- UH-HUH.

NOW, THIS ACT OF THE CHIEF
CALLS FOR THE REQUISITE
RESPONSE FROM THE WOMAN.

AAAAH !

In "Shelmikedmu,"

SO, UH, I KNOW
THIS MAY SEEM VIOLENT
TO THE VIEWERS,

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU
THE CHIEF IS VERY USED
TO THIS.

OR, AT LEAST,
HE SHOULD BE.

NOW, AFTER SUCH A DISPLAY
OF AFFECTION IT IS VERY COMMON
TO GIVE AN OFFERING OF GIFTS.

JUST SO HAPPEN TO HAVE
SOME GIFTS RIGHT HERE.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE,
PROFESSOR ?

WELL, RIGHT HERE
I HAVE A LOVELY SELECTION...

OF STINK SLUGS
AND SEGO GRUBS.

IT'S A DELICACY
FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU.

AH, SEE. HE'S LIKE
A KID IN A CANDY STORE.

- HE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW,
CAN HE EAT ONE RIGHT HERE ?
- OH, OF COURSE HE CAN.

I'LL JUST GET
A NICE, BIG, SLIMY ONE.
IT'LL FLY RIGHT DOWN.

LET'S SEE HERE.
OKAY.

HERE WE GO.
CAN WE GET
A CLOSE-UP OF THAT ?

SURE !
CAMERA ONE.

HE SAYS HE CAN'T WAIT
TO EAT IT.
OH, BE MY GUEST.

ALL RIGHT.

DOWN-DAH HATCH-AH.
EAT-AH, PUKE-AH.

FASCINATING,
ISN'T IT ?

AND THE PART WHERE
YOU SLAPPED EACH OTHER ?
THAT WAS SO RAD.

OH, YEAH.
I ENJOYED THAT PART TOO.

SEE YA.

ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR MIND ?

WHAT ?
OUT OF MY MIND ?

YOU LIED TO EVERYONE.
YOU FALSIFIED RESEARCH.
YOU MISAPPROPRIATED GRANT MONEY.

IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU HAVEN'T DONE ?

NO-- HEY !

LET ME SEE.
EATING A GRUB
ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP
PRETTY GOOD.

HEY.
GREAT SHOW.
THANKS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MOGO WACACA.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

WHEN DID YOU
FIGURE THIS OUT ?

OH, GEE, LET ME SEE.
MAYBE WHEN I SAW THE WALL
OF SEX AT THE TV STORE.

THEY DID EVERYTHING
BUT SELL POPCORN !

ALL RIGHT !
I'M SORRY !

I DID AN AWFUL THING TO YOU,
BUT YOU GOT YOUR REVENGE.

BARELY.
OH !
YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME.

OHH !
WE'RE EVEN, ALL RIGHT ?

I AM ON THAT TAPE, TOO,
REMEMBER ?

I AM THE ONE HOLDING UP
THE PLANK MEASURING HOW MANY
PIGS MY BREASTS ARE WORTH.

OKAY, OKAY, LOOK.
I'LL TELL THEM
THAT I GOT YOU DRUNK.

I'LL TELL THEM
I SEDUCED YOU.
OH, GREAT !

EVEN BETTER.
NOW I'M AN IDIOT AND
A COCONSPIRATOR. WHOO !

WHY DID YOU
TELL LARRY SWIFT
THAT I WAS LEAVING ?

BECAUSE ONCE
WE SEND THIS CHARACTER
BACK TO WHEREVER HE CAME FROM,

NO ONE CAN PROVE A THING;
WE'RE SAFE.

OH, REALLY ?
RUTH ALLEN IS IN NEW GUINEA,
EVEN AS WE SPEAK,

LOOKING
FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU.

SHE WENT THERE ?

I DARED HER TO GO,
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT
THE WOMAN WOULD DO IT.

- WHAT ? YOU--
- OOPS-- NO, UH--

NO BIG DEAL.

TRIBES DIE OFF
ALL THE TIME.

THEY GET WIPED OUT
BY A VOLCANO OR A VIRUS,
NEVER TO BE HEARD OF AGAIN.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHO'S NEVER
TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN ?

PEOPLE WHO UNDERESTIMATE
RUTH ALLEN.

IT'S GOING TO BE
ABSOLUTELY--
VERONICA.

WAIT THERE A SECOND !
THE PROXMIRE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
SEARCHING FOR YOU ALL DAY !

ME ? THEY HAVE ?

THEY ARE RENEWING
JAMES' GRANT...

SO HE CAN CONTINUE HIS WORK
ON THE SHELMIKEDMU.

MRS. PROXMIRE HERSELF
WILL PRESENT THE CHECK
TO JAMES...

AT A BIG GALA
WEDNESDAY EVENING.

HERE'S THE BEST PART.
THE UTABAJI IS GOING TO BE
THE GUEST OF HONOR.

THAT'S WONDERFUL !

DID JAMES HAPPEN TO MENTION
THAT HE OFFICIALLY MADE ME
HIS PARTNER ?

CONGRATULATIONS !
OH. YES.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ?
NO.

COULD MEAN GOING TO JAIL.

NO, IT MEANS
MORE RECOGNITION.

RECOGNITION ?
RECOGNITION IS
THE LAST THING I WANT !

I AM NOT TAKING
THE GRANT.

OH, YES, YOU ARE.
HALF THAT MONEY IS MINE.
I EARNED IT.

YOU ARE INSANE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT ?

AND HOW DOES JAMES KRIPPENDORF
GO TO A PARTY WITH HIM ?

HUH ?

GO IN
AND GET THE KIDS.

ME ?

WELL, I CAN'T GO IN
DRESSED LIKE THIS,
CAN I ?

HUH ?

SON OF A BITCH !

W-WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?
JAMES !

AT CHESTER HILLS,

WE BELIEVE A STRUCTURED LIFE
IS A PRODUCTIVE LIFE,
IS A HAPPY LIFE.

I WANT YOU KIDS TO LOOK
AT THE NEW SKATING RINK
IN THESE BROCHURES.

OHHH-AAAAAAAH !

OHH !
WHAT IS THIS ?
WHAT THE HELL ?

OHH, PICK-PICKET !
OOOH.

- GOSH ! DO YOU KNOW
WHO THIS IS ?

WAMOOK MAN !

HELLO.
I'M VERONICA MICELLI.

THIS IS THE-- THE, UH--

THIS IS THE TRIBAL CHIEF
ON TV ! THE, UH--

IT'S THAT SAVAGE THAT JAMES
HAS BEEN CARRYING AROUND
LIKE A SIDESHOW FREAK.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING
IN OUR LIVING ROOM ?

GET AWAY FROM ME,
YOU VOODOO TWIT !

OKAY, LET'S GO !
YOU SEE, DR. ANDREWS ?

YOU SEE WHAT THESE KIDS
HAVE TO GROW UP WITH ?

CHESTER HILLS
IS OUR LAST HOPE.

MAYBE IT IS.

SHELLY, TAKE YOUR
COTTON-PICKIN' PURSE OFF
OF THAT MARBLE TOP TABLE !

- MY GOD IN HEAVEN,
WHAT IS HE DOING NOW ?

- THAT JUST MEANS
HE LIKES IT.
- OH, REALLY ?

- AND WHAT DOES HE DO
IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT ?
- WHOA !

- UH, THAT.

- CAN THEY START MONDAY ?
- THE SOONER THE BETTER.

YEAH, WELL, DAD SAYS
WE DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO YOUR STUPID SCHOOL.

THAT'S FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER
AND ME TO DECIDE.
YES !

- ACTUALLY,
THAT'S FOR US TO DECIDE.
- WE'LL CHOOSE WHAT'S BEST.

NOW GET THIS FILTHY SAVAGE
OUT OF HERE ! GET HIM OUT !

I'VE HAD ENOUGH--
WHOA !

OH, JESUS H. CHRIST !
GET OFF ME, YOU PERVERT !

COME ON !
LORI, SUCK IT UP !
GET A MOVE ON !

MUST STOP.
MUST SLEEP.

KILL RUTH. MUST STOP.

HURRY UP !

WHAT IS IT ?
WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED ?

LAND OF SPIRITS.

THIS IS IT ?
THIS IS BOSAVI ?

BOSAVI.

NOTHING.

IT'S NOTHING.
I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT ! I KNEW IT !

I KNEW IT !
THERE IS NO SHELMIKEDMU !

GOD, IT MUST BE SO COOL
TO BE A GLOBE-TROTTING
14-YEAR-OLD.

YEAH, I USED TO DREAM
OF TRAVELING.

GOD, MY FAMILY AND I
DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.

NOT EVEN
TO THE MOVIES.

GOD, YOUR PARENTS
MUST HAVE LOVED YOU
SO MUCH...

FOR THEM TO TAKE YOU
ALONG WITH THEM.

- IS THAT RIGHT ?
- OH, BELIEVE ME.

WHEN THEY DON'T LOVE YOU,
THEY JUST PACK THEIR BAGS
AND SAY,

"SORRY, VERONICA, HONEY.
THIS TRIP'S JUST FOR
US GROWNUPS.

HELL WOULD FREEZE OVER
BEFORE WE'D TAKE YOU."

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
WHAT DO YA THINK ?

- I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- ISN'T IT ? IT'S MY FAVORITE.

WOULD YOU STICK IT
IN THAT GARBAGE BAG
FOR ME ?

RIGHT OVER HERE.

OH !

LOOK !
IT'S MARVELOUS.

HELLO, LITTLE FELLA.

HAMAMASS.
HORS D'OEUVRES, MADAM ?

SEGO GRUBS.
HMM.

CHAMPAGNE ?
THANKS.

HAMAMASS.

ALL RIGHT !
KEEP IT MOVING !
NEXT !

HENRY SPIVEY,
MRS. PROXMIRE.

I'M THE MEDIA CONSULTANT
FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU
AND A VERY BIG FAN OF YOURS.

- AND THIS IS
THE WOMAN I'M WITH.

MAY I SAY YOU LOOK
ABSOLUTELY RADIANT THIS
EVENING, MRS. PROXMIRE ?

THANK YOU. NEXT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST BEND OVER
AND KISS HER SHRIVELED ASS ?

OH, EDITH,
HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

WAS IT YOU WHO DIED,
OR WAS IT YOUR SISTER ?

EXCUSE ME.
AT LAST.

WELCOME, CHIEF.
GREETINGS.

OH, PLEASE,
RIGHT THIS WAY.
PLEASE.

MRS. PROXMIRE,
PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

MRS. PROXMIRE,
IT IS MY HONOR...

TO INTRODUCE TO YOU
KAWANAKAPI,

THE CHIEF UTABAJI...

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU
PEOPLE.

- OHH !
- AND WHERE IS
PROFESSOR MICELLI ?

SHE HAS BEEN DELAYED.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

MRS. PROXMIRE
IS VERY ANXIOUS
TO MEET HER.

SHE SAID SHE'D BE HERE
FOR DESSERT-- AAAH !

I-I-I-I MEAN
HORS D'OEUVRES.

UM, GOLLY,
I THINK I GOT THAT WRONG.

UM--

YES, UH, UH,
SHE'D BE ARRIVING
JUST ABOUT NOW.

LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE !

THIS IS HORRIBLE.
HORRIBLE.

"STOP STEALING
YOUR PARENTS' MONEY.

"DROP OUT NOW.

GOOD LUCK
IN SUMMER SCHOOL."

"URGENT.
AT BOSAVI NOW.

"NO SIGN OF SHELMIKEDMU.
A COMPLETE HOAX.

STOP KRIPPENDORF."

YOU BET I WILL.

YOU MADE ME LIE
TO LARRY SWIFT !

ALL CLEAR !

HELP ME.
KEEP BREATHING.

OWW !

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
STAY THE UTABAJI...

UNTIL AT LEAST
THE MAIN COURSE.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
MRS. PROXMIRE WAS GONNA BE
SO HOT TO TALK TO ME ?

HOW DID I EVER
GET INTO THIS ?

YOU ARE ACTUALLY
ENJOYING THIS,
AREN'T YOU ?

MM-HMM.

HI. I AM A COLLEAGUE
OF YOUR FATHER
FROM THE UNIVERSITY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?
UH, I, UH,
I AM PROFESSOR ALONSO.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE SEEN ME
ON THE LARRY SWIFT SHOW ?

YOUR FATHER
ASKED ME TO COME BY...

AND PICK UP
ALL THE SHELMIKEDMU
RESEARCH MATERIAL.

WHY ?

WHY ? BECAUSE HE WANTS TO
SHOW IT AT THE GALA TONIGHT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO
COME BACK TOMORROW.

NO !

WE NEED IT TONIGHT.
PLEASE. PLEASE !

I AM GOOD WITH CHILDREN.
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

PLEASE OPEN UP.
PLEASE !

OH, YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY ?
YOU WAIT TILL RUTH ALLEN
COMES BACK FROM NEW GUINEA !

I'LL SHOW YOU
WHO'S GOING TO LAUGH LAST !

SHELLY !

OH, I HATE CHILDREN !

THEY KNOW.
DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK ?

THEY KNOW
THERE'S NO SHELMIKEDMU.
WE HAVE TO TELL DAD.

I'M DRIVING.

YOU ?
YOU DRIVE ?

FOR YOUR APPROVAL,
SIR.

SO HE SAYS,
"THAT GOES FOR YOUR CAT TOO."

ARE YOU
A NURSING MOTHER ?

MMM !

YOU KNOW, DID I SAY
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
TO YOU YET ?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
EDITH.

MAY I CALL YOU EDITH ?
GOD, WHAT A GORGEOUS RING.

- I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THE TIMOTOTTA TRIBE.

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE
GONNA START GETTING BORED
WITH THE SHELMIKEDMU.

SO, WE'LL TALK.
OKAY, GOOD.

SO, MUST BE SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT...

TO KEEP YOUR WIFE
FROM ATTENDING THIS HONOR
FOR YOUR SON-IN-LAW.

YEAH.
SHE HADDA DEFROST
THE REFRIGERATOR.

AAH !

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE--

- KRIPPENDORF.

WHERE IS HE ?
IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR
THE PRESENTATION OF THE CHECK...

AND HE'S NOT HERE.

OH... KAY.
I'LL FIND HIM.

CHIEF ?

- HAMAMASS !

HE SAYS HE'LL MISS YOU,
BUT WE'LL BE BACK.

OKAY. GOD, PORTER
REMINDS ME OF MY CRANKY
FIRST-GRADE TEACHER.

PENIS.
OH.

OKAY, I AM ONLY GONNA
DRESS LIKE THE UTABAJI
UNTIL WE GET THAT CHECK.

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.

WOULD YOU HURRY UP ?
I'M NOT THAT EXCITED.

...SELF-OBSESSED PERSON
I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
"I, I, I. ME, ME, ME."
OH, WOULD YOU STOP IT ?

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE
IF IT WASN'T FOR ME.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED--

OH, GOD !
AAAAH !

MRS. PROXMIRE,
THIS IS NOT
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

LISTEN, WE'RE JUST--

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?
OF COURSE SHE'S NOT.
SHE'S TURNING BLUE !

- DO SOMETHING !

OHH. OH, GOOD.
YOU SAVED HER LIFE.

- AH-AH ! NO BELL.
NO BELL.

- SHH !
- NO BELL, PLEASE !

- NO BELL ! NO BELL !

MY GOD, YOU KILLED HER.
I DIDN'T KILL HER.
ARE YOU CRAZY ?

DON'T BE SILLY.
MRS. PROXMIRE !
LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE--

- NO, NO. MRS. PROXMIRE !
- HUH ?

- HELLO ! HELLO !
MRS.-- OH, LOOK AT THAT.
- MRS. PROXMIRE !

OH, SHIT !

GET DRESSED.
GIVE ME MY PENIS AND
I'LL MEET YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

MRS. PROXMIRE,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

- WHAT'LL I SAY
TO PRESIDENT PORTER ?
- YOU'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

HEY !
WHOA.

OHHH.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON
IN HERE ?

MMM.

A-WIMOWEH, A-WIMOWEH,
A-WIMOWEH--

GET OUTTA MY WAY, YOU MORON.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID DAD
TAUGHT YOU TO DRIVE.

THIS IS
HOW HE TAUGHT ME !

WHAT'S HAPPENING ?
THERE'S NO ANSWER.

KEEP TRYIN'.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
SOMEBODY PICKED UP. HELLO ?

IS IT HIM ?
HELLO ?

HELLO ? PAPA SULUKIM ?
CAN YOU HEAR ME ?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR
THE PRESENTATION
OF THE CHECK...

TO PROFESSOR...
KRIPPENDORF ?

YEAH, HE HAD TO LEAVE
BECAUSE, UM--
WELL, JUST BECAUSE.

AND HE SAID
THAT AS HIS PARTNER...

I COULD ACCEPT THE CHECK
IN HIS NAME.

VERY WELL, MS. MICELLI.

AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LET'S HAVE
A WARM GREETING...

FOR OUR SHELMIKEDMU
UTABAJI.

CHIEF, THAT'S FOR YOU.
GO ON UP.

HAMAMASS !

HAMAMASS !

Banging Tables,

MS. MICELLI, IN RECOGNITION
OF THE REMARKABLE RESEARCH...

THAT PROF. KRIPPENDORF--

AND, APPARENTLY, YOU--
HAVE ACCOMPLISHED,

MRS. PROXMIRE
IS PROUD TO PRESENT YOU...

WITH A CHECK
FOR $100,000...

TO FURTHER YOUR WORK
ON THE SHELMIKEDMU PEOPLE.

WONDERFUL.

- OH, THANK YOU, MRS. PROXMIRE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S SO PROFOUNDLY
GENEROUS OF YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

THANK YOU.

WELL, AS A GIRL
I HAD A DREAM--

AND THAT DREAM
WAS TO BECOME
AN ANTHROPOLOGIST.

NOW, NO ACCOMPLISHMENT
COMES EASILY--

STOP ! STOP !
THIS WHOLE THING IS A FRAUD !

- I HAVE BEEN FAXED
WITH PROOF...

THAT THE SHELMIKEDMU
DO NOT EXIST !

PROFESSOR,
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ?

I HOLD HERE A FACSIMILE
FROM PROFESSOR RUTH ALLEN
IN NEW GUINEA...

CONFIRMING THAT THERE IS
NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER
OF THE SHELMIKEDMU.

- GERALD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE'S
BEEN A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING.

GIVE ME THAT.
SEE FOR YOURSELF.
THEY DO NOT EXIST !

HEY. HOLD ON.

TO ANY OF YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THE SHELMIKEDMU,

IT'S NOT SURPRISING
THAT PROFESSOR ALLEN
COULDN'T FIND THEM.

- AND WHY NOT ?
- "WHY NOT ?"

THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON
WHY NOT.

AND MY BROTHER MICKEY...

WILL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

WELL, YES, UM,

THE REASON WHY...

PROFESSOR ALLEN
WAS NOT ABLE TO LOCATE
THE SHELMIKEDMU--

I-IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.
YOU SEE, THEY PRACTICE
AN OBSCURE RITUAL...

CALLED BU API...

IN WHICH THE GODS
INSTRUCT THEM TO CONCEAL
AND REVEAL THEMSELVES.

AND NOW YOU CAN'T
FIND THEM ANYMORE.

EXACTLY.

THIS--

THESE CHILDREN ARE
PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.

THIS TRIBE IS A FRAUD !

- IT'S NOT A FRAUD !

THERE HAS TO BE
A SHELMIKEDMU TRIBE,

BECAUSE IF THERE ISN'T
WE WON'T HAVE FUN
ANYMORE...

WATCHING SHELLY
CHASE CHICKENS...

AND DANCING TOGETHER.

IT'LL BE LIKE IT WAS
AFTER MOM DIED...

AND NOBODY WAS HAPPY.

TELL THEM.
TELL THEM.

NO, DON'T.

- OHH !

KRIPPENDORF !

JAMES !
PROFESSOR !

KRIPPENDORF ?

THE CHILDREN
KNOW NOTHING !

PERSONALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO
STRING YOU UP BY THAT SHEATH
AND HANG YOU OUT TO DRY.

THE HUMILIATION THIS UNIVERSITY
WILL HAVE TO ENDURE...

ON ACCOUNT OF
YOUR ACTIONS...

IS UNTHINKABLE.

I WARNED YOU, JAMES,
AND NOW YOU ARE GOING
TO PAY BIG-TIME !

VERY BIG-TIME !

I ONLY HOPE YOU BOTH STOLE
ENOUGH MONEY SO YOU CAN AFFORD
A DAMN GOOD LAWYER !

A VERY GOOD
DAMN LAWYER !
GENTLEMEN.

WE HAVE TO PUT ASIDE
PERSONAL REVENGE...

AND CONSIDER WHAT'S BEST
FOR THE UNIVERSITY.

FOR THE UNIVERSITY.
EXACTLY.

- ALL THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE--

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT THERE'S AN URGENT CALL
FROM A PROFESSOR ALLEN...

IN NEW GUINEA
ON LINE THREE.

YEAH.
THANK YOU.

I'M SURE WE ALL
WANT TO HEAR THIS.

PRESIDENT PORTER HERE,
PROFESSOR.

HELLO, RUTH--
WITH ADAMS
AND KRIPPENDORF.

YOU'RE ON
THE SPEAKERPHONE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR--

I'M SORRY, RUTH.
IT SOUNDED AS IF YOU SAID
YOU FOUND SOMETHING.

WHAT DID YOU FIND ?

AAAAH !
WHAT WAS THAT, RUTH ?
I COULDN'T HEAR YOU.

RUTH ? COULD YOU
SAY IT AGAIN, PLEASE ?

WHAT DID YOU FIND ?

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

STOP THAT DRUMMING !

WE FOUND THE SHELMIKEDMU.

I AM ON THE PHONE.
I AM ON THE PHONE !

LORI, YOU ARE DRIVING ME
"F"-ING CRAZY !

WE FOUND THE SHELMIKEDMU.

NO, NO, NO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YES.

YES, WE FOUND
THE SHELMIKEDMU.

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS,
RUTH ?

I'M LOSING YOU.
I AM LOSING YOU !

- HE IS RIGHT HERE
IN THIS ROOM !
- YOU TELL ME NOW THAT--

WE'LL SEND OUT
A PRESS RELEASE
IMMEDIATELY...

EXPLAINING THAT
WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT...

WAS ALL A PRACTICAL JOKE.

THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

EXACTLY.

YES.

WELL, THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
THAT I COULD SAY,

BUT I THINK I'LL BE
A BIGGER PERSON THAN YOU
AND NOT SAY IT.

CHILDREN, LET'S GO.
MS. MICELLI.

THAT DOES NOT SURPRISE ME
AT ALL, BECAUSE--

YOU'RE FIRED.

EXACTLY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,
GUYS ?
I WANT A HOT DOG.

A HOT DOG.

HELLO, HELLO.

ANY PROBLEMS,
PAPA SULUKIM ?

NO !

NOT A ONE, SHELLY.
NOT A ONE.

SO PROFESSOR ALLEN
SWALLOWED THE WHOLE THING ?

GOOD FOR YOU, TOO, BECAUSE
NO AMOUNT OF MONEY COULD GET ME
TO WEAR A PENIS SHEATH AGAIN.

WELL, I SENT YOUR STUFF
THIS MORNING.

ANY PROBLEMS,
CALL ME.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF,

MY LITTLE
SHELLY KRIPPENDORF,

AND HAMAMASS.

HAMAMASS, PAPA SULUKIM.

* EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE
AND THANKS.

* EE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE
EE-WI-OM-OM-MOWEH *

SO, WHEN EXACTLY DID--

IT'S A TRIBAL THING.

* WI-OM-OM-MOWEH *
YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT.
THE TIMOTOTTA ARE WRONG.

WE'LL JUST STICK WITH
THE SHELMIKEDMU.
I NEVER SAID THAT.

YOU KNOW WHERE WE
WENT WRONG WITH THEM ?
YES, I DO.

THERE IS NO SUCH TRIBE.
THAT'S WHERE WE WENT WRONG.
BE THAT AS IT MAY--

WE BLEW THE PUBLISHING.
BIG TIME !
THANK YOU ! SEE ?

OKAY, SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO
WITH THE SHELMIKEDMU--
THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

WE'RE GOING TO
CONCENTRATE OUR EFFORTS
ON A GLOSSY PRESENTATION.

DOES ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME ?
THERE IS NO SUCH TRIBE.

* HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CLOSE
TO TRAGEDY *

* OR BEEN CLOSE TO FOLKS
WHO HAVE *

* HAVE YOU EVER FELT THE PAIN
SO POWERFUL *

* SO HEAVY YOU COLLAPSE

NO ? WELL...

* I NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* BUT I KNOW SOMEONE
WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER
IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER
IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD
I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE
IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION
THAT I GET *

* HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE ODDS
TICK UP SO HIGH *

* YOU NEED A STRENGTH
MOST DON'T POSSESS *

* OR HAS IT EVER COME DOWN
TO DO OR DIE *

* YOU GOT TO RISE
ABOVE THE REST *

NO ? WELL...

* I NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* BUT I KNOW SOMEONE
WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER
IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER
IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD
I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE
IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION
THAT I GET *

* I'M NOT A COWARD
I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN TESTED *

* I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT
IF I WAS, I WOULD PASS *

* LOOK AT THE TESTED AND THINK
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE GO I *

* MIGHT BE A COWARD
I'M AFRAID OF WHAT
I MIGHT FIND OUT *

* NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* BUT I KNOW SOMEONE
WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER
IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER
IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO
KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD
I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE
IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION
THAT I GET *

* NEVER HAD TO
BUT I'D BETTER KNOCK ON WOOD *

* 'CAUSE I KNOW
SOMEONE WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER
IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER
IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO
BUT I'D BETTER KNOCK ON WOOD *

* 'CAUSE I'M SURE
IT ISN'T GOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD
I HAVEN'T YET *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION
THAT I GET **