Krippendorf's Tribe (1998) Movie Script

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG

THAT I WONDER *

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG

THAT I WONDER *

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG

THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG

THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG

THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG

THAT I WONDER *

* FA, FA, FA, FA, FA

* IF THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

* HEY, HEY

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER *

GIVE THIS

TO YOUR MOTHER.

SHE'S THE ONE

WITHOUT THE PENIS SHEATH.

WOW.

THANK YOU, DARLING.

WELCOME.

* THE SOUND OF THE DRUM

STILL HAS ITS POWER **

WHAT'S UP ?

HEY, MICKEY, MICKEY,

WAIT UP.

HEY, HEY, SULUKIM !

HEY, HEY, HEY,

YOU LOOK GREAT.

SULUKIM, HAMAMASS.

HAMAMASS. THANK YOU.

HAMAMASS.

PAPA SULUKIM !

SHELLY !

YES, LET'S ALL GO

TO THE PARTY.

NO, SULUKIM,

IT'S A LOST TRIBE.

WE WANNA FIND THEM.

WE NEED YOU TO GUIDE US.

NO GET.

JENNIFER,

YOU EXPLAIN IT TO THEM.

OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO GET.

- HI.

- AAAH ! OH ! OH !

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ?

DAD, MY HAMSTER DIED.

OH. OH.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, UM, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU

TO THE PET SHOP AFTER SCHOOL...

AND GET YOU ANOTHER ONE,

OKAY ?

I DON'T WANT

ANOTHER HAMSTER.

I KNOW.

I KNOW, MICK.

YOU WANT DR. LEAKEY BACK.

ACTUALLY, I'D RATHER

HAVE A DOG.

WHAT WAS I THINKING ?

WHAT-- OH, JEEZ !

IS THAT A "YES" ?

EDDIE, SHELLY, COME ON,

COME ON, COME ON, WAKE UP !

COME ON, WE'RE LATE !

YOU'RE LATE.

WE'RE FINE.

HEY, EDDIE.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE

FIVE-YEAR-OLD, HUH ?

NOTHING. GREAT, GREAT.

NICE TALKIN' TO YA.

WE'LL DO IT AGAIN

REAL SOON.

WHOEVER IT IS,

I'M NOT HOME.

HELLO ?

AH !

UH-HUH.

APRIL 3 ?

HOW DOES THAT HELP ME ?

THE YEAR !

I NEED A YEAR.

DAD, IT'S MR. SCHRAMM

FROM THE BANK AGAIN.

TELL HIM I DIED.

HE SAID HE'S DEAD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

DEAD--

MICKEY, PUT ON THIS SHIRT.

IT SMELLS.

OH.

THIS SMELLS TOO.

ONLY IT SMELLS LIKE YOU.

HMM.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF ?

HELLO !

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

FOR LUNCH ?

CASH.

COME ON, EDDIE.

LET'S GO GET YOUR SHOES.

WHEE-EE !

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

I'M SORRY. I RANG

THE DOORBELL A BUNCH OF TIMES,

BUT NO ONE ANSWERED THE DOOR.

- EXCUSE ME.

- I'M VERONICA MICELLI

FROM BOUNDERBEE UNIVERSITY.

- I WAS IN YOUR

GRADUATE STUDIES SEMINAR.

- I AM VERY BUSY HERE.

MAY I SAY SOMETHING ?

WHAT ?

YOU'RE THE REASON

I BECAME AN ANTHROPOLOGIST.

YOU ARE AN ANTHROPOLOGIST ?

YEAH, I'M ON

THE FACULTY NOW.

WE ARE COLLEAGUES.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING ?

THRILLING.

I KNOW.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION ?

OF COURSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

SHOULDN'T THE QUESTION BE:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

ONE OF THE GREATEST

ANTHROPOLOGICAL MINDS

OF OUR TIME.

A MIND THAT HAS NOW DISCOVERED

A LOST CIVILIZATION

THAT NO ONE--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE

UP THERE !

YEAH. UP THERE...

WITH ALL THE OTHER GREAT MINDS

THAT ARE ALREADY UP THERE.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,

I WANT TO JOIN YOUR TEAM.

AND YOU WILL.

I WILL ?

TEAM KRIPPENDORF.

AND YOU'RE THE CAPTAIN.

OKAY, THERE'LL BE A NEWSLETTER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SUCH A BIG FAN

OF YOUR LATE WIFE'S.

AND SHE, YOU.

YES.

WELL, IT'S GREAT

TO HAVE YOU ON BOARD.

REALLY, REALLY.

WE'RE ALL LOOKING

FORWARD TO IT.

THANKS FOR STOPP--

OKAY, BUT WHAT

ABOUT TONIGHT ?

WELL, TONIGHT--

WELL, I'M VERY FLATTERED

BUT I HAVE TO WASH MY HAIR.

I MEAN THE LECTURE.

THE LECTURE ?

OH, YOU'RE GIVING A LECTURE.

THAT'S GREAT. YOU'RE GONNA BE

WONDERFUL. DRIVE CAREFULLY.

OH, PROFESSOR,

IT'S YOUR LECTURE.

EXCUSE ME ?

TONIGHT, ON THE UNDISCOVERED

TRIBE OF NEW GUINEA.

THAT'S TONIGHT ?

MM, AT 7:30.

DIDN'T YOU GET MY FAX ?

PROFESSOR,

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

YEAH.

YOU ARE READY, AREN'T YOU ?

OH, YEAH, YEAH,

I'M READY.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING

ABOUT A FAX ?

I-I DON'T SEE ANY--

UH, YEAH, I SENT YOU

SEVERAL FAXES.

WELL, THERE DOESN'T

SEEM TO BE ANY FAX.

I'M NOT FINDING ANY--

OH !

THERE'S, UH--

SEE ? RIGHT HERE.

"PROXMIRE FOUNDATION

STAFF AND MONEY--"

YEAH, THAT'S A FAX.

"LECTURE, MONDAY--"

ON THE LOST TRIBE

THAT YOU FOUND.

WELL, IF I TOLD YOU

I LOST THEM AGAIN,

COULD I GET AN EXTENSION ?

OH, PROFESSOR.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF !

EXCUSE ME.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF, LOOK !

HOO-HA, HOO-HA,

HOO-HA, DOKTAHICHI.

HOO-HA, HOO-HA, HOO-HA,

DOKTAHICHI.

OH, MICKEY !

HOO-HA, HOO-HA--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

UP THERE ?

I'M GIVING DR. LEAKEY

A GOTONTA TREE BURIAL.

IT'S MY PROJECT

FOR THE SCIENCE FAIR.

HOO-HA, HOO-HA, HOO-HA,

DOKTAHICHI.

MICKEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE.

IT'S ALIVE ! IT'S ALIVE !

MICKEY !

I WANTED TO SHOOT A BURIAL,

YOU STUPID HAMSTER.

MICKEY, STOP !

GET BACK HERE !

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,

MICKEY !

I THINK I'LL BE GOING NOW.

- DO YOU HEAR ME ?

- SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

BUT THE BUS IS HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I WANTED A DOG,

YOU STUPID HAMSTER !

MICKEY, PUT THE RAKE DOWN

AND GET ON THE BUS.

YOU CAN FINISH KILLING YOUR PET

WHEN YOU GET HOME.

PUT THE RAKE DOWN.

THERE WE GO.

GIVE ME THE CAMERA !

HAVE A GOOD DAY, KIDS !

MAKE ME PROUD.

COME HOME DIFFERENT.

SO WHAT CAN I DO

TO HELP YOU ?

NOT A THING.

I'M A WHIZ

WITH DATA ENTRY.

UNDER CONTROL.

PROOFREADING ?

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

OKAY, SHOULD YOU NEED

ANYTHING AT ALL, LOOK,

I WROTE DOWN MY HOME NUMBER,

AND THAT'S MY FAX NUMBER,

AND THAT'S MY CEL PHONE.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

PLEASE. I FEEL WE SHARE

A COMMON GOAL WITH THIS.

THANK YOU.

DON'T MENTION IT.

BEEPER !

THANK... YOU.

OKAY.

THANK YOU !

OKAY.

MMM, GOOD ? MMM, GOOD.

NO, NO, THAT'S ENOUGH. NO MORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT FRUIT DOES TO YOU.

I SAID NO.

MMM. MM. OH.

HEY, PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,

NICE TO SEE YOU BACK.

WELL, I GUESS YOU CAN

COME HOME AGAIN.

RUTH.

POPO.

HOW ARE YOU ?

HE'S A LITTLE

FLATULENT TODAY.

OH, THAT WAS HIM.

OH, JAMES, YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD

SUCH A WAY WITH TOILET HUMOR.

WHICH REMINDS ME,

I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD

TO TONIGHT'S LECTURE.

ARE YOU ?

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS

WANTED TO ASK YOU,

DID JENNIFER WRITE

THIS GRANT PROPOSAL,

OR DID YOU ?

WHY DO YOU ASK ?

WELL, JENNIFER,

AS WE ALL KNOW, WAS BRILLIANT,

BUT THIS PROPOSAL IS SO VAGUE,

SO INSUBSTANTIAL,

SO... YOU.

HOW ARE YOU ?

I'M FINE, RUTH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR ASKING.

I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

I'M NOT GONNA WISH YOU LUCK

TONIGHT...

BECAUSE I KNOW

YOU DON'T NEED IT.

- I'LL SAY A LITTLE PRAYER

INSTEAD.

I HAVE... NOTHING !

COME ON, MAN !

CHILDREN,

YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS HERE.

- YOU'RE LATE.

- OH, SEE YA !

OH, WHY DON'T THE CHILDREN

SPEND THE NIGHT HERE ?

ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

AGAIN ?

SOUNDS LIKE A NO.

OPEN. GO, GO, GO !

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,

TURN THE CHILDREN AGAINST US ?

YES, IRENE, IT'S PART

OF MY MASTER PLAN.

SHELLY.

HOW YOU MANAGED

TO DRAG OUR DAUGHTER

TO THOSE SQUALID JUNGLES...

STILL REMAINS

A MYSTERY TO ME.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DRAG HER.

MY MOTHER WAS AN EMINENT

ANTHROPOLOGIST.

THANK YOU.

AND WHATEVER HER REASONS

FOR MARRYING DAD WERE,

WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

I THINK.

BUT NO ONE EVER

DRAGGED MOM ANYWHERE.

ANGRY.

OOH.

CAN I HELP THE NEXT PERSON

IN LINE PLEASE ?

NINE-PIECE McNUGGET, PLEASE.

WHAT ?

ISN'T IT A LITTLE BIT LATE

TO BE WRITING YOUR SPEECH NOW ?

I'M POLISHING.

WANT IT ?

WANT IT ? COME GET IT.

COME ON, YOU POOR BABY.

COME ON. YOU JERK.

YOU WANNA GET IT ?

SON OF A--

OH, JUST--

WAY TO GO, EDMUND.

WHAT IS THIS ?

IT'S WHAT'S LEFT OF

THAT STUPID SPACE SHUTTLE BANK

YOU BOUGHT HIM IN ORLANDO.

HE PUT IT IN THE BLENDER.

IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.

ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.

SETTLE DOWN !

WHAT A BUNCH

OF SAVAGES.

OW.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

SETTLE UP-- DOWN.

NOW LISTEN.

WHY DON'T WE--

WHY DON'T WE-- WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE, UM, DO

WHAT NORMAL FAMILIES DO,

OKAY ?

THEY SIT AROUND THE DINNER TABLE

AND THEY TELL STORIES.

HUH ? WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

OH, IT'S FABULOUS.

PARTY TIME.

W-WHAT KIND OF STORIES ?

STORIES. GOLLY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE

ABOUT ONE OF OUR TRIPS

TO NEW GUINEA TOGETHER.

AND WHY'S THAT ?

AND BOYS, LET'S TRY TO BE

AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE.

EDMUND ?

NO, NO, TALK TO ME.

TALK TO YOUR DAD.

TALK TO ME FOR ONCE.

EVERYTHING WAS GREEN

AND BEAUTIFUL.

THEN MOM DIED.

JIMMY, CAN YOU DROP

SOME FRIES, PLEASE ?

THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

GET BACK HERE,

YOU LOSER !

MICKEY.

GOTCHA.

GET OFF HIM.

COME ON !

GET INSIDE.

GET UP THE STEPS.

GET INSIDE.

I'M SICK OF THIS.

HEY-HEY, HEY-HEY, HEY.

I SPOKE TO HIM THIS MORNING--

OH, EXCUSE ME.

UH, PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

OH, TINKER BELL.

HELLO. LISTEN, I'VE BEEN

TRYING TO CALL YOU ALL DAY...

BECAUSE I HAVE THESE GREAT

PUBLICITY IDEAS THAT I

WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

I WOULD RATHER

THAT YOU DIDN'T.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I WOULD RATHER

THAT YOU BACK OFF.

EXCUSE ME.

I, UH--

THANK YOU, GOD.

GOOD EVENING.

GENTLEMEN.

MY NAME IS

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

UH, PROFESSOR.

I'M HERE TO BEGIN THE--

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ?

YOUR LECTURE'S

ACROSS THE HALL.

EXCUSE ME.

COME ON.

GET IN THERE

AND BEHAVE YOURSELF.

LECTURE'S IN HERE.

QUIET. COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON.

I'M SICK OF THIS.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

COME ON, COME ON,

COME ON, COME ON.

GERALD.

THAT'S KRIPPENDORF.

KRIPPENDORF.

JAMES !

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

LOOK, EVERYBODY.

GERALD, I HAVE SOMETHING

IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.

WHAT, NOW ?

JAMES, WHAT THE HELL'S

WRONG WITH YOU ?

ARE YOU NERVOUS ?

GERALD.

DON'T YOU SEE THE CROWD

OUT THERE ?

I'M TELLING YA,

THIS IS HOT.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,

GERALD.

HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN

EACH OTHER ? TWENTY YEARS.

CHARLIE FARRICK'S OFFICE.

AS SOON AS WE FINISH SPRUCING

IT UP, IT'S YOURS, ALL YOURS.

GOOD. UH, YOU SEE,

THE THING IS,

UH, AFTER JENNIFER DIED,

I KINDA CRACKED UP.

YOU KNOW,

IF IT WAS JUST ME--

FARRICK'S GOING TO JAIL.

UH, JAIL ?

YEAH.

CHARLIE FARRICK

IS GOING TO JAIL ?

CAN YOU BELIEVE

THE SON OF A BITCH

WAS ROBBING US BLIND ?

HE WAS ?

OH, YEAH.

HE STOLE.

HE STOLE GRANT MONEY

FOR PERSONAL USE.

HE DID ?

OH, YEAH, AND HE NEVER

EVEN DID THE RESEARCH.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

NEW YORK HOTELS,

BROADWAY PLAYS,

FLOWERS, HOOKERS.

UH, OH, UH--

GOLLY, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DO

THIS KIND OF THING ALL THE TIME.

NOT TO ME, THEY DON'T.

NOT TO ME.

CHARLIE'S GONNA DO TIME

FOR THIS, JIMMY.

HARD TIME.

SO, YOU READY, HUH ?

YOU READY TO GO OUT THERE

AND RAZZLE-DAZZLE THEM, BUDDY ?

HUH ?

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO !

I'M TELLING YOU,

THIS IS GONNA BE BIG.

REALLY BIG. IT BETTER BE.

HI.

EXCUSE ME, PEOPLE.

COULD WE SETTLE DOWN ?

CAN I HAVE SOME QUIET, PLEASE ?

EVERYBODY TAKE THEIR SEATS.

GOOD. THANK YOU.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

- HE'S TERRIFIED.

COLLEAGUES,

DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,

PRESIDENT PORTER.

THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN

EAGERLY ANTICIPATING

HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.

I KNOW, YOU'RE ALL CHOMPING

AT THE BIT TO HEAR ABOUT

THIS TRULY ASTONISHING WORK.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU

AND WITH GREAT PRIDE,

I GIVE YOU MY OLD FRIEND

AND DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUE,

PROFESSOR JAMES KRIPPENDORF.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR, UH, FOR COMING.

UH, FIRST, I-I, UH,

WOULD LIKE TO, UH, APOLOGIZE...

FOR THE ABBREVIATED NATURE

OF THIS FIRST PROXMIRE LECTURE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE DEPARTMENT

FOR THE EXTRA TIME TO PREPARE...

BEFORE I DID

THESE PRESENTATIONS.

HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY, THE TRIBE

IN QUESTION. UM--

THE TRIBE IN QUESTION,

UH, UM--

WELL, ISOLATED FROM THE WORLD

BY, UH, MOUNTAINS...

AND, UH, UH,

EXTENSIVE SWAMP LAND,

UH, THE, UH, TRIBE IN QUESTION

HAD BEEN UNTOUCHED

BY CIVILIZATION...

UNTIL, UH, TWO YEARS AGO...

WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED...

BY MY WIFE AND MYSELF.

UM... QUESTIONS ?

OKAY. OKAY.

THE, UH--

THE, UH, UM--

- PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF ?

- YES.

IN THE PROPOSAL

FOR THIS GRANT,

IT IS WRITTEN, AND I QUOTE:

"I BELIEVE WHEN FOUND,

THEY WILL ASTOUND US."

YES, UH, THAT, YES--

"THEY WILL ASTOUND US."

YES, THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

GIVE US AN EXAMPLE.

- UH, AN EXAMPLE OF--

- OF HOW THEY WILL ASTOUND US.

OF HOW THEY WILL ASTOUND US.

YES.

UM, WELL, THEY WILL ASTOUND US--

YOU, UM--

UH, BECAUSE THEY HAVE

A DOMESTIC UNIT.

A DOMESTIC UNIT,

WHICH UNTIL NOW...

IS UNHEARD OF

IN NEOLITHIC SOCIETY.

AND WHAT IS

THIS DOMESTIC UNIT ?

THAT IS A, UH--

WHAT WE WOULD CALL

A SINGLE-PARENT HOME.

YOU'RE SAYING

A YOUNG FEMALE...

IS ALLOWED TO RAISE

A FAMILY BY HERSELF ?

NO, I AM-- I AM SAYING SOMETHING

MORE REMARKABLE THAN THAT.

I AM SAYING THAT,

UH, THE SINGLE PARENT

IN THIS INSTANCE... IS MALE.

WELL, THAT'S A FIRST.

I FIND IT FASCINATING.

SO DO I, PROFESSOR MICELLI.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

THE SINGLE FATHER--

IF I MIGHT CALL HIM THAT--

IS HIGHLY REGARDED

IN THIS COMMUNITY.

HE IS CALLED THE UTABAJI,

WHICH LITERALLY TRANSLATES AS

"THE ESTEEMED SINGLE PARENT."

YOU MEAN THE MALE IN QUESTION

DID NOT RUN OFF...

AND FIND ANOTHER FEMALE

TO IMMEDIATELY OPPRESS ?

NO, THAT'S NOT THE WAY

THEY OPERATE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

WITH ALL OF THE INCREDIBLE

DIFFICULTY THAT THEY HAVE,

SINGLE FATHERS

WITH CHILDREN...

HAVE IMMENSE PRIDE

IN THE COMFORT

AND CLEANLINESS...

OF THEIR DOMESTIC HUT.

WHAT ARE THEY CALLED ?

HUH ?

DO THEY HAVE A NAME,

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF ?

OF COURSE THEY HAVE A NAME.

UH, UH--

THE, UH, THE "SHELMIKEDMU."

- THE SHEL-- SHELMIKEDMU.

- WHAT ?

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

BUT, PROFESSOR,

WITHOUT SEXUAL PARTNERS,

WOULD THIS NOT CAUSE PROBLEMS

FOR THE, UH, SOCIAL BALANCE

OF THE COMMUNITY ?

AH, THAT IS

AN EXCELLENT QUESTION.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT IS A SUPERB QUESTION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE DO HAVE

AN OBJECT HERE TODAY...

WHICH SOLVES

THAT VERY PROBLEM THAT

YOU WERE MENTIONING.

I'M SORRY. HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, UH,

THIS LITTLE ITEM HERE...

IS CALLED

BY THE SHELMIKEDMU

A SHUTAL.

A SHUTAL, SEE ?

THAT TAKES TALENT.

IT'S A VERY, VERY

POWERFUL TOTEM.

IT HAS, AS YOU CAN SEE,

BOTH A MALE AND A FEMALE PLUG.

AND IT IS, IN FACT,

A MARITAL DEVICE.

I-I-IT'S A NEOLITHIC DILDO.

WOULD YOU CARE TO, UH--

PASS THAT DOWN

TO DR. ALLEN, PLEASE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT HOME

FOR THE WEEKEND

IF YOU'D LIKE.

HMM.

THANK YOU.

WONDERFUL.

OUTSTANDING ! I ESPECIALLY

LIKED THE WAY YOU HANDLED OUR

RESIDENT BLOWHARD, RUTH ALLEN.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING

TO BE PART OF THIS.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

OH !

MRS. PROXMIRE

WILL BE THRILLED WHEN

I TELL HER HOW WELL IT WENT.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

QUITE A RELIEF.

OH, YES.

YES, YES.

WHEN CAN I SEE

THE FILM ?

YOU DO HAVE FILM,

DON'T YOU ?

OF COURSE HE HAS FILM.

OH, MY GOD,

IT'S MAGNIFICENT FILM.

THE IMAGERY.

WHEN I FIRST SAW IT,

I WAS AMAZED.

EXCELLENT.

I'LL PLAN TO SCREEN SOME

AT THE LECTURE ON FRIDAY.

WE'LL BE THERE.

MM-HMM.

SEE YOU THEN.

ISN'T THIS EXCITING ?

OW. WHAT ?

FOOTAGE IS GOOD, ISN'T IT ?

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,

THIS IS MR. SCHRAMM AT THE BANK.

I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED

YOUR CHECK. CALL ME.

THANK YOU.

- WHAT'S THIS FOR ?

- A URINE SAMPLE.

I WANNA KNOW

WHAT DRUGS YOU'RE ON.

I HAD TO TELL THEM SOMETHING.

HOW ABOUT THE TRUTH ?

THAT I SPENT ALL THE MONEY AND

I DIDN'T COMPLETE THE RESEARCH.

THAT'D DAZZLE 'EM.

- HOW BIG A GRANT

DID THEY GIVE YOU ?

- A HUNDRED THOUSAND.

DOLLARS ? AWESOME.

WE DIDN'T SPEND IT ALL

IN NEW GUINEA, SO HOW COULD YOU

SQUANDER THAT MUCH MONEY ?

SQUANDER ?

LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS,

MY LITTLE "SQUANDEES."

FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER.

BIG SCREEN TVs, VCRs,

COUNSELING SESSIONS.

THOSE WERE

A WASTE OF TIME.

CLEARLY.

T-THEY EXPECT TO SEE

FILM FOOTAGE.

EXCUSE ME.

WHO IS THE ADULT

IN THIS ROOM ?

DON'T ANSWER THAT !

I AM THE ADULT

IN THIS ROOM.

A SMALL POINT:

THE ADULT IN THIS ROOM

DOESN'T HAVE ANY FILM FOOTAGE.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO TRIBE.

YEAH ? WELL, EVERYBODY

IN THAT AUDIENCE TONIGHT

THINKS THERE IS A TRIBE.

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT IS VERY, VERY TRUE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ?

WHAT I AM SAYING IS...

THAT YOU TAKE

A LITTLE NISHOWIKU...

AND YOU ADD

A LITTLE IMATOSA,

AND YOU THROW IN A DASH

OF KATANKA,

AND YOU'VE GOT

THE SHELMIKEDMU, HUH ?

THEY WANT THE SHELMIKEDMU,

THEY'RE GONNA GET

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

HUH ?

SO, UH, LET'S GET

SOME PALM TREES.

NO PALM TREES.

WE DON'T NEED PALM TREES.

ALL RIGHT, UH,

VENUS FLYTRAPS ?

* HAVE YOU EVER BEEN

CLOSE TO TRAGEDY *

* OR BEEN CLOSE

TO FOLKS WHO HAVE *

* HAVE YOU EVER FELT THE PAIN

SO POWERFUL *

* SO HEAVY YOU COLLAPSE

NO ? WELL...

* I NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

IT'S TOO SKINNY.

I'M WORKING ON IT.

IT NEEDS TO BE

ABOUT THIS MUCH WIDER.

OKAY.

LOOK AT THIS.

YES.

* I NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD

I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE

IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION

THAT I GET *

OH, HELLO, PUMPKIN.

HOW ARE YOU ?

DO YOU REMEMBER ME

FROM YESTERDAY ?

I'M VERONICA MICELLI.

I'M FRIENDS WITH YOUR DADDY.

I BROUGHT THIS REALLY NICE

REPORTER HERE.

WE JUST WANNA ASK HIM

A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS--

* I NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD

I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE

IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION

THAT I GET **

COME ON, GUYS !

WE'RE LOSIN' THE LIGHT.

HEY ! THE SHELMIKEDMU DO NOT

ALLOW PICTURES TAKEN WITHOUT

THE RITUAL BODY PAINT ON.

- NICELY PUT.

- IT IS OUR WAY.

YO !

IT'S REALLY GREAT,

YOU KNOW THAT ?

WHAT ?

THE WAY YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, ALWAYS

HELPING OUT AROUND HERE,

DOING THINGS FOR US--

THE ANSWER IS NO.

WHAT ?

I'M NOT PLAYING BOO-BOO,

THE NATIVE GIRL.

SHELLY, IT'S ONLY ONE FILM.

YOU'RE A FRAUD.

I NEED YOU.

NO WAY.

SHELLY !

NOW CATCH THE CHICKEN.

IF IT DOESN'T COME IN A BUCKET,

I DON'T TOUCH IT.

SHELLY, DON'T BREAK MY HUMP,

OKAY ?

CATCH THE CHICKEN.

THEY'RE GONNA REPOSSESS

MY HUT.

COME ON, COME ON.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

GO, GO, GO !

GO !

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

QUICKER, QUICKER.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

SHELLY ! SHELLY !

THAT'S IT. COME ON.

GET YOUR HANDS

ON THE LITTLE SON OF A--

E-EXCELLENT WORK.

VERY, VERY GOOD.

- NOW WHAT ?

- NOW COOK THE CHICKEN.

I JUST CHASED POULTRY

THROUGH MY BACKYARD

LOOKING LIKE TAMMY FAYE BAKKER.

YOU OWE ME.

THANK YOU, BOO-BOO.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?

TO A FRIEND'S.

SHUT UP !

BESIDES, YOU'RE PART

OF OUR TRIBE.

THERE IS NO TRIBE.

OH, AND ONE SMALL POINT:

MAYBE EDMUND'S TUTU

SHOULD HAVE A FEW MORE LEAVES.

- I MEAN, HOW MANY NEOLITHIC

TRIBES PRACTICE CIRCUMCISION ?

- WHOOPS.

BOO-BOO HAS MADE

AN EXCELLENT POINT.

THAT WILL BE THE SUBJECT

OF OUR FILM.

A RARE, PRIMITIVE

CIRCUMCISION RITUAL.

YES !

IN WHICH THE OLDER BROTHER

PERFORMS THE ACTUAL DEED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS NOT NIGHTMARE

ON "SHELMIKEDMU" STREET.

THIS IS A DELICATE RITUAL

BETWEEN BROTHERS.

SH--

SORRY.

ALL RIGHT,

YOUR WEE-WEE'S ON THE LOG.

OKAY. NOW WHAT ?

THE YOUNG SHELMIKEDMU BOY

SITS AT THE EGALA ALTAR...

WAITING FOR HIS OLDER BROTHER

TO GUIDE HIM THROUGH

THE PORTALS OF MANHOOD.

EGALA ALTAR.

THAT'S A NICE LITTLE DETAIL.

THERE'S A SPIDER

ON THE LOG.

- OH, OH, OH.

OH, OH. MICKEY.

THERE WAS A SPIDER.

OH. WHATEVER.

OKAY,

LET THE CEREMONY BEGIN.

EXCUSE ME, UH, WHAT EXACTLY

IS THE OLDER BROTHER DOING ?

HE IS COMPLETING

THE RITUAL DANCE...

IN WHICH HE ASKS THE GODS

TO PROTECT THE YOUNG BOY...

FROM MANY BRIDES WHO WANT HIM

AND HIS PIG WEALTH.

HEY, YOU PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT

INTO THIS, HAVEN'T YOU ?

IT'S MY TRIBE.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

EDMUND, YOU'RE--

YOU'RE LOOKING UP

TO THE GODS WITH TREPIDATION.

TREPIDATION.

TREPIDATION, TREPIDATION,

TREPIDATION.

UM, WELL, YOU'RE REALLY AFRAID

THAT YOUR BROTHER IS GOING TO

CHOP YOUR WEE-WEE OFF.

AH, THERE WE GO.

EXCELLENT TREPIDATION.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FOOTAGE

FROM OUR LAST TRIP

TO NEW GUINEA.

OKAY, WE JUST NEED TO SHOOT

A FEW MORE PIECES.

LOOK AT THE CAMERA.

ONE, TWO, THREE, AH !

COME ON, AH !

AH !

- ONE, TWO, THREE.

- AH !

EXCELLENT.

DID YOU GET THAT ?

NO, HERE. TILT THAT.

THERE YOU ARE.

CAN YOU SEE HIM NOW ?

THERE WE GO.

OKAY, READY ?

MAGUNGA.

EDMUND, LOOK MISERABLE.

EXCELLENT.

HERE GOES NOTHIN'.

GOOD JOB.

AT FIRST GLANCE, THE SHELMIKEDMU

APPEAR TO BE A SOMEWHAT TYPICAL

NEW GUINEA TRIBE,

AS UNREMARKABLE

AS THEY ARE UNDISCOVERED.

HOWEVER, THAT ALL CHANGED

WHEN WE BEGAN TO FOCUS IN...

ON ONE PARTICULAR

FAMILY UNIT.

ALTHOUGH THERE IS, UH,

NO EVIDENCE,

UH, OF CIRCUMCISION

AMONG OTHER NEW GUINEA TRIBES,

WE FIND THAT CIRCUMCISION

IS A RITUAL USED

BY THE SHELMIKEDMU.

NOW, THE UNCIRCUMCISED CHILD

OF A SHELMIKEDMU FAMILY HERE...

IS WAITING PATIENTLY

AT THE EGALA ALTAR

FOR HIS OLDER BROTHER...

WHO WILL BE THE ONE

TO GUIDE HIM INTO MANHOOD.

MAGUNGA.

HERE, THE OLDER BOY IS HANDED

THE SACRED POLA BAR...

BY THE NATIVE SHAMAN.

NOW, THIS AXE, WHICH HAS BEEN

FASHIONED FROM STONE,

HAS BEEN USED TO CIRCUMCISE

TRIBAL MEMBERS FOR THOUSANDS

AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING.

THE OLDER BROTHER HERE

IS PERFORMING A RITUAL DANCE,

THE PURPOSE OF WHICH

IS TO ASK THE GODS

FOR A STEADY HAND...

FOR WHAT WILL SURELY BE

A DELICATE, UH, PROCEDURE.

AND HERE WE ARE.

- AH !

QUITE REMARKABLE, YES ?

AMAZING.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,

I WONDER IF YOU COULD TALK TO

A COUPLE OF MY STUDENTS HERE.

I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO GO

TO MY SON'S SCIENCE FAIR.

SCIENTIST !

CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK.

OH, PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

PROFESSOR.

PROFESSOR, I HAVE SOMEBODY

I WANT YOU TO MEET.

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU

PRIVATELY FOR A SECOND ?

THIS IS AN INTERVIEW

WITH VERONICA MICELLI

ABOUT THE SHELMIKEDMU.

YEAH, I KNOW.

DOES THAT UPSET YOU ?

YES, IT DOES UPSET ME.

THANK YOU. GOD.

SEE, ME, TOO,

BECAUSE THEY TOLD US...

THEY WERE GONNA GIVE US

A FULL-COLOR PHOTO

AND THREE COLUMNS.

THE POINT IS:

YOU HAD NO RIGHT

TO GIVE THIS INTERVIEW.

WHAT ? THIS PAPER HAS

A CIRCULATION OF 35,000, JAMES.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT !

PROFESSOR !

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

WILL YOU SHUT UP !

IT IS NOT YOUR LECTURE.

IT IS NOT HER TRIBE.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH YOU.

AND THIS ARTICLE

IS A BRAZEN ATTEMPT

AT SELF-PROMOTION.

I AM CRUSHED THAT

YOU WOULD SAY THAT, JAMES.

MAY I CALL YOU JAMES ?

NO !

BUT, SPEAKING OF PROMOTION,

I HAVE SOMEONE I WANT YOU

TO MEET.

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF,

MEET HENRY "SPIVVEY."

SPIVEY. I'M A GREAT ADMIRER

OF YOURS, PROFESSOR.

I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN

MORE THRILLED TO RECEIVE

YOUR CALL.

MY CALL ?

WELL, MR. SPIVEY OPERATES

A NEW CABLE TV NETWORK...

DEDICATED TO ANTHROPOLOGY

CALLED PRIMAL TIME.

- YOU'RE JOKING ?

- NO, I AM NOT, AND I WANT YOU

TO COME ON BOARD.

GIVE ME THE TELEVISION RIGHTS

TO THE SHELMIKEDMU STORY.

NO.

PROFESSOR, WE SHARE

THE GOAL OF MAKING ANTHROPOLOGY

ACCESSIBLE TO THE COMMON MAN.

THE COMMON MAN

COULD GIVE A SHIT.

WELL, NO, THAT'S JUST BECAUSE

ANTHROPOLOGY HAS NEVER BEEN

PRESENTED TO THEM...

AS RELEVANT

TO THEIR LIVES BEFORE.

OUR LITTLE SHELMIKEDMU

DEAL WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS

THAT WE FACE EVERY DAY:

LONELINESS, DESPAIR,

INTENSE SEXUAL LONGING.

UH, NEXT WE HAVE

MICHAEL KRIPPENDORF...

WITH HIS PROJECT ON

A TRIBE FROM THE JUNGLES

OF NEW GUINEA.

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL.

I AM A MEMBER

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU TRIBE.

THESE PIGS, A STAPLE

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU'S ECONOMY,

ARE ADORNED

WITH HORNBILLED BEAKS

AND BIRD-OF-PARADISE FEATHERS.

THIS STRUCTURE IS CALLED

AN OJATANI.

IT IS USED ONLY ONCE

BY THE WOMEN OF MY TRIBE.

IT IS BUILT TO HOUSE

A YOUNG VIRGIN...

EXPERIENCING

HER FIRST MENSTRUATION.

- WHAT DID HE SAY ?

AT FIRST SIGNS OF MENSES,

THE YOUNG FEMALE IS ANOINTED

WITH PIG URINE...

AND PLACED IN THE MENARPAT,

WHERE SHE WILL REMAIN

FOR THREE DAYS...

UNTIL THE SPIRITS OF MAIDENHOOD

HAVE LEFT HER BODY.

ISN'T THAT INTERESTING ?

THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

NEXT WE HAVE ADAM KANT

AND HIS LIMA BEAN GRAPHS.

BECAUSE SHE'S IN HER FIRST DAYS

OF MENSTRUATION,

- I'VE PLACED ABBEY TOURNQUIST

IN THE MENARPAT.

- OH, MY GOD, IT'S ABBEY !

I SHALL NOW DOUSE HER

WITH THE SACRED PIG URINE.

AAAAH !

PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS.

- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.

CAN I TALK TO YOU ?

- ABBEY, COME OUT OF THERE NOW !

NOT UNTIL I'M PURIFIED.

DISCUSS IT ? DISCUSS ?

DISCUSS WHAT ?

I AM NOT SENDING MY KIDS

TO ANY BOARDING SCHOOL.

HEY ! TIME OUT,

TIME OUT, TIME OUT !

UNFORTUNATELY, THESE PROBLEMS

ARE NOT CONFINED TO MICKEY.

HIS BEHAVIOR SEEMS TO BE

AFFECTING EDMUND.

EDMUND WAS ASKED TO DRAW

"WHAT I ENJOYED MOST

ABOUT MY WEEKEND."

LET ME TAKE A LOOK

AT THAT DRAWING.

I WANNA SEE THE DRAWING.

WHAT IS THE MATTER

WITH YOU ?

GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF IT.

WOULD YOU STOP ACTING

LIKE A CHILD ?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST

CALM DOWN HERE.

THE FACT IS, A SCHOOL

LIKE CHESTER HILLS,

WITH ITS EMPHASIS ON DISCIPLINE,

IS PROBABLY A BETTER CHOICE.

MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.

I APOLOGIZE.

I GUESS THINGS MIGHT HAVE

GOTTEN OUT OF HAND,

AND, UH, I'M NOT MAKING

ANY EXCUSES,

BUT I SHOULD TAKE

RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS.

I DON'T WANT MY KIDS

TO GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL,

SO FROM NOW ON,

NO MORE CRAZY BEHAVIOR.

THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

ANOTHER MAGICAL DAY IN

THE KRIPPENDORF HOUSEHOLD,

MR. SCHRAMM.

THE CHILDREN ARE ALL READY

FOR SCHOOL,

AND THEY'RE CLEAN AND COIFFED

AND ANXIOUS TO EMBARK

ON ANOTHER DAY OF LEARNING.

MICKEY,

TAKE THAT HEADDRESS OFF.

I MEAN, TAKE THAT RED DRESS OFF.

I MEAN, TAKE THAT RED DRESS

AND GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER.

WHAT ? I-- NO, SIR.

NO, SIR,

THE CHECK IS IN THE--

YES, I'LL HOLD.

OF COURSE I'LL HOLD.

GOOD MORNING,

SWEETHEART.

DARLING, HONEY,

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION...

SERIOUSLY ?

ARE YOU HAPPY ?

THE COLOR WON'T COME OUT

OF MY HAIR.

FORECLOSURE ?

ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

NO, NO, NO. NO.

NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT

YOU WEREN'T SERIOUS. NO, NO.

LEO--

MAY I CALL YOU LEO ?

MR. SCHRAMM,

I KNOW THAT DEADLINES

ARE NOT MEANT TO BE IGNORED,

BUT PLEASE DON'T DO

ANYTHING RASH.

THE CHECK WILL BE IN YOUR HANDS

BY 3:00 THIS AFTERNOON.

I SWEAR TO GOD,

I'LL BRING IT MYSELF.

I'M READY TO MAKE A DEAL.

VERONICA !

- CAN I TALK TO YOU

IN PRIVATE FOR A SECOND ?

- YES.

I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.

OKAY, SO HOW WE'RE GONNA

PLAY THIS--

DON'T GIVE AWAY

THE MERCHANDISING !

THIS IS AN INSULT

TO ANTHROPOLOGY.

THAT'S RIGHT, AN INSULT.

THIS SEEMS FINE TO ME.

JAMES' STYLE HAS ALWAYS

BEEN UNCONVENTIONAL.

UH, UNCONVENTIONAL.

GERALD, FOR GOD'S SAKE,

THIS IS TABLOID ANTHROPOLOGY.

THE SHELMIKEDMU DEMI-BRA ?

IT'S TABLOID.

YOU'RE JEALOUS.

OH, YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.

I'VE NEVER BEEN JEALOUS

OF ANYONE IN MY LIFE.

BULLSHIT. THE SHELMIKEDMU

HAVE CAPTURED THE IMAGINATION

OF THE PUBLIC.

UNLIKE YOUR MUSTY

OLD GALINCAS.

WHICH

BY COMPARISON STRIKE ME AS--

OH, WHAT'S THAT WORD ? BORING.

KRIPPENDORF IS SENSATIONALIZING

THIS TRIBE FOR HIS OWN

FINANCIAL GAIN.

OH, GET A GRIP.

PROFESSOR, PLEASE,

JUST-- PLEASE !

JAMES' STYLE MAY NOT BE

TO YOUR LIKING, BUT MISS MICELLI

IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THANKS TO KRIPPENDORF'S TRIBE,

THIS DEPARTMENT'S REPUTATION

IS GROWING BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS,

AND I, FOR ONE, AM DELIGHTED.

WELL, YOU MAY BE FALLING

FOR THIS SHELMIKEDMU CRAP,

BUT EVERY INSTINCT IN MY BODY

TELLS ME THAT THIS STINKS

TO HIGH HEAVEN.

- EXCUSE ME, RUTH.

- MINE TOO !

- MINE, TOO, PROFESSOR.

IN FACT, I DON'T THINK

THERE IS A SHELMIKEDMU TRIBE.

ALL RIGHT,

MISS PROFESSOR KNOW-IT-ALL.

IF YOU'RE SO SURE THERE'S

NO TRIBE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF

TO MOUNT BOSAVI AND PROVE IT.

- I SHOULD.

- THAT'S RIGHT. SHE SHOULD.

- GO AHEAD.

- I JUST MIGHT.

- BE MY GUEST.

- HAH ! I WILL !

LORI AND I

WILL LEAVE TOMORROW.

THAT'S RIGHT, TOMORROW.

WE WILL ?

RUTH. RUTH !

* BOOGIE FEVER

* YOU GOT TO BOOGIE DOWN

* BOOGIE FEVER

* I THINK

IT'S GOIN' AROUND **

OH, MY GOD,

I'D FORGOTTEN.

OH, THE DECAY,

THE STENCH.

THE CHAOS.

OH, POPO, WE'RE HOME.

SO MUCH CLEANER

IN THE BOOKS.

WE'LL GO FIND SOMEONE

TO TAKE US WHERE WE'RE GOING.

LORI, YOU LOOK POSITIVELY GREEN.

YOU SHOULD EAT SOMETHING.

WHO WANTS TO GET WORK ?

YOU !

ME LIKE GO LONG BOSAVI NOW.

NO BOSAVI. NO.

ME LIKE BUY 'EM

TRIPLE MAN.

GO BOSAVI.

NOT ME !

YOU, ME, GO BOSAVI NOW.

I-I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

NOW, FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU,

PERSONAL APPEARANCE

IS OF PRIMARY CONCERN.

AND FOR THE YOUNG PEOPLE,

ESPECIALLY THE TEENAGERS,

ONE SECOND.

THESE RITUAL OBLIGATIONS

ARE TERRIBLY PAINFUL AND--

PSST, PSST, PSST.

AND ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.

IT'S RANDOM HOUSE.

THEY LOVE US.

SIT DOWN !

UM, THE RITUALS

THAT I SPOKE ABOUT...

ARE PERFORMED IN A SMALL

AND SACRED SHRINE...

DAD, SHELLY'S BEEN

IN THE BATHROOM FOR AN HOUR !

LOCATED NEAR THE SLEEPING AREA.

IN THE CENTER OF THAT SHRINE

IS AN ALTAR AFFIXED TO A WALL.

INSIDE THESE ALTARS ARE

VARIOUS TALISMEN AND POTIONS.

LET ME IN !

I'M BUSY.

MUCH ATTENTION IS PAID

TO THE UNDERARM,

A SACRED PART

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU ANATOMY.

GOOD OR BAD FORTUNE IS BELIEVED

TO EMANATE FROM THIS AREA.

OH, WELL.

ANY OTHER--

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS ?

YES ?

DO THE SHELMIKEDMU

PRACTICE DIVORCE ?

WELL, WHEN A SHELMIKEDMU COUPLE

WISH TO DIVORCE,

THE TRIBAL EQUIVALENT

OF A LAWYER IS APPOINTED

TO EACH SIDE IN THE MARRIAGE.

EVERYBODY CONCERNED

WORKS VERY HARD TO AVOID

AN ANNULMENT FROM HAPPENING.

HOWEVER, IF A DIVORCE, IN FACT,

TAKES PLACE,

THE TWO LAWYERS ARE EXECUTED.

YES ! YES ! YES !

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH

WE CAN LEARN

FROM THE SHELMIKEDMU,

EXCEPT FOR THEIR HAIR

AND MAKEUP.

ANOTHER BRILLIANT LECTURE,

PROFESSOR.

I AM ANXIOUS TO SEE

WHAT YOU COME UP WITH

FOR OUR SWEEPS WEEK VIDEO.

UH, SWEEPS WEEK VIDEO ?

YES, I PAID YOU

FOR IT LAST WEEK.

I NEED IT BY MONDAY.

AH, SWEET POTATO.

IT EXAMINES THE ROLE OF THE

SWEET POTATO IN SHELMIKEDMU

AGRICULTURE.

SWEET POTATO.

BORING.

WHAT, BORING ?

WELL, LET'S SPEAK FRANKLY HERE.

WE NEED RATINGS.

NOW, WE HAVE THEIR ATTENTION,

BUT WE NEED SOMETHING

THAT GRABS FOCUS.

NOT SWEET POTATOES.

PRECISELY.

SUCH AS--

SEX.

SHELMIKEDMU SEX VIDEOS ?

MATING RITUALS, JAMES.

ONE OF THE CORNERSTONES

OF ANY FIELD RESEARCH.

YOU DID COVER THEM,

DIDN'T YOU ?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

BESIDES, NO ONE IS GONNA

WANNA WATCH THE SHELMIKEDMU

DO EACH OTHER.

CERTAINLY NOT.

HOW VULGAR.

UNLESS SCIENTIFICALLY

PRESENTED, OF COURSE.

DON'T MOVE.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

WOULD ANY OF YOU

BE INTERESTED IN WATCHING

A ONE-HOUR SPECIAL...

ON THE MATING RITUALS

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU ?

YOU MEAN SEX VIDEOS ?

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

YES.

OH, VERY INTERESTED.

WHAT NIGHT

WILL IT BE ON ?

DISCOVERY CHANNEL,

EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

LOOSEN UP, JAMES.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCUSS THIS

OVER A DRINK ?

MM.

THE SHELMIKEDMU

COURTING CHANT.

WHEN A SHELMIKEDMU MALE

WISHES TO WOO A FEMALE,

HE BREAKS THE ICE

WITH A DRINK OF FERMENTED

JUTEBERRIES AND BANANA SAP.

ANOTHER BRANDY,

PROFESSOR MICELLI ?

OH, CALL ME VERONICA, PLEASE.

I REALLY DON'T THINK

I SHOULD.

NO, A LITTLE MORE.

THANK YOU.

SO...

ARE YOUR CHILDREN

SLEEPING ?

THEY'RE SPENDING THE EVENING

AT THEIR GRANDPARENTS'.

OH.

AHH.

WHAT'S THAT ?

THIS ?

OH ! THIS IS A KIEFO.

THE SHELMIKEDMU USE IT

WHEN CHOOSING A BRIDE.

OH.

HOW DOES IT WORK ?

WELL, UH, THAT'S, UH,

VERY GRAPHIC.

PLEASE.

YES, OKAY.

UM, JUST BEAR IN MIND

THAT I'M SPEAKING TO YOU

AS A SCHOLAR...

AND NOT AS A MAN

WHO FINDS YOU

UNBELIEVABLY ATTRACTIVE.

THE PROSPECTIVE

SHELMIKEDMU BRIDE...

HOLDS THE KIEFO THUSLY,

ALLOWING HER BREASTS

TO FALL OVER THE EDGE,

SUGGESTING THE POSSIBILITY

OF HER FERTILITY.

A SORT OF SHELMIKEDMU

WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

YEAH.

NOW THESE LINES HERE,

UM, INDICATE...

HOW LARGE THE BREASTS

MIGHT BE...

AND ALSO DETERMINE PAYMENT.

ONE PIG'S WORTH,

TWO PIG'S WORTH,

THREE PIG'S WORTH,

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

AND SO ON.

OH.

HERE, LET ME BE

THE SHELMIKEDMU VIRGIN.

AH.

OOH, THERE WE GO.

HOW DO I STACK UP ?

UM--

WELL, AS THE SHELMIKEDMU

WOULD SAY,

JAGABONDO !

WHICH ROUGHLY

TRANSLATES AS, UH,

MORE PIGS THAN YOU CAN

POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

WEE-WEE-WEE,

ALL THE WAY HOME.

OH.

WHAT'S THIS HOLE FOR ?

THAT HOLE--

BY GOLLY, I THINK

YOU FOUND OUT WHAT

THAT HOLE IS FOR.

EXTRA CREDIT

FOR PROFESSOR MICELLI.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS HAD

A CRUSH ON YOU.

WHEN I WAS IN YOUR SEMINAR

ON THE KINAPOSA,

YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS

THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE ROOM.

YOU WE THE ONLY WOMAN

IN THAT ROOM.

BE HONEST.

ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME ?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH. ARE YOU

JUST SAYING THAT 'CAUSE

I'M HOLDING YOUR PENIS ?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SLIP IN

TO SOMETHING MORE...

COMFORTABLE ?

MM-HMM.

AH, AH, AH.

AH, YEAH, YEAH.

I ALWAYS WONDERED IF

ALL THOSE MONTHS IN THE JUNGLE

WOULD CHANGE A MAN,

BUT, JAMES,

I HAD NO IDEA.

YOU'RE A WILD MAN.

COME HERE.

* A-WIMOWEH, A-WIMOWEH

A-WIMOWEH, A-WIMOWEH *

WIMOWEH.

OOH.

LAST NIGHT

WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

MMM, YES, IT WAS.

SO WHAT ARE YOU

GONNA DO TODAY ?

UM, LET'S SEE.

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER GOOD

WHEN COUPLES WORK TOGETHER,

SO I'VE DECIDED THAT THIS

SHELMIKEDMU THING IS OVER.

MM-HMM.

I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

THIS SHELMIKEDMU THING

IS OVER ?

WE JUST CAN'T INVADE

THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE'S LIVES

ANY MORE THAN WE ALREADY HAVE.

WHY NOT ?

WHY ?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT.

WELL, WELL, WHAT WAS

LAST NIGHT ABOUT THEN ?

ARE YOU SAYING THAT LAST NIGHT

HAPPENED ONLY BECAUSE YOU WANT

TO BECOME A PARTNER...

IN THE SHELMIKEDMU ?

NO ! WHAT I AM SAYING IS,

I THOUGHT THAT WE--

THAT WH--

GODDAMN IT,

WHERE IS MY SHOE ?

YOU KNOW WHAT ? I WORKED

MY BUTT OFF TO MAKE SHELMIKEDMU

THE TALK OF ANTHROPOLOGY.

WHO ASKED YOU ?

OH, FIND YOURSELF A GENIUS.

GORDON.

JAMES.

CAN WE TALK ?

UM--

AS YOU KNOW,

IRENE BELIEVES THE CHILDREN

BELONG IN CHESTER HILLS,

BUT, REALLY, ALL SHE NEEDS

IS ASSURANCE...

THAT THE CHILDREN

ARE BEING RAISED IN A DECENT

AND SANITARY ENVIRONMENT.

YOU ARE AN EGOMANIACAL MONSTER.

DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

I'M AT THE FRONT DOOR.

WHO'S THAT ?

MY NEW HOUSEKEEPER.

HOUSEKEEPER !

HOUSEKEEP THIS !

DON'T WORRY ABOUT

THE IRONING, MISS MICELLI.

HAVE A NICE DAY OFF.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE ?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE ?

OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

THE OLD SCHOOL

TYPE OF HOUSEKEEPER.

RUNS THIS HOUSE ANY WAY

SHE WANTS, AND GOD HELP

THE PERSON WHO GETS IN HER WAY.

UH, TUESDAY, AS USUAL ?

KISS MY NEOLITHIC ASS !

A PROUD WOMAN.

I TRY TO BE SENSITIVE

TO HER FEELINGS.

YOU FORGOT YOUR GOAT,

MISS MICELLI.

HURRY UP. LICK, LICK.

WE'RE ALMOST UP ON TOP.

HURRY UP !

YOU MUST HURRY UP !

DAY THREE.

DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS,

THE MOOD OF THE EXPEDITION

HAS TURNED AGAINST ME...

AND HEAVY WEATHER THREATENS

TO DELAY US EVEN-EVEN MORE--

MORE THAN--

MY GOD, THAT HAS GOT TO BE

THE GREATEST ASS I'VE EVER SEEN

ON A MAN.

OLE, MAN.

WHAT'S WRONG ?

YES, BOSAVI.

MAKE WAY ! GO !

YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH

THIS BOSAVI THING ?

TOO DANGEROUS ?

TOO SACRED ? WHAT ?

NO.

TOO FAR UPHILL.

GIVE ME THAT !

WOMAN KNOWS

HOW TO CUT THE BUSH.

DIE, KRIPPENDORF !

LYING, CHEATING--

- OH, MAN, YOU GO.

- AAAH ! AAAH !

LICK, LICK !

KRIPPENDORF !

AAAH ! AAAH ! AAAH !

THE SHELMIKEDMU UTABAJI

EMBRACES HIS DEATH

WITH COURAGE AND DIGNITY.

OHH ! AHH.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET

THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY WE HAVE TO KILL HIM.

I TOLD YOU--

SO WE CAN GET RID OF

THIS "SHELMIKEDMU" CRAP.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

THE SHELMIKEDMU FAMILY

COULD CELEBRATE THE HARVEST.

NAH !

COME ON, MICKEY.

LET'S GO.

OKAY. READY FOR

MY SWEET POTATO,

MR. DeMILLE.

OKAY, ACTION.

- GOD, YOU ARE PATHETIC.

- WHAT ?

- YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T

DOING ANY MORE OF THESE.

- OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

I'M DYIN' WITH DIGNITY

OUT HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY

LIVING WITH SOME ?

I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT ?

GEE, LET'S SEE.

WELL, WE'VE HAD

THE BACKYARD CIRCUMCISION.

WE'VE DANCED WITH THE PIGS

TO ENSURE MY FERTILITY.

THAT ONE REALLY

CHANGED MY LIFE.

SO, WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP ?

CANNIBALISM ?

HEY, MRS. O'BRIAN,

ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING

TONIGHT ?

OH ! SHIT !

WE'RE HAVING A BARBECUE.

WEAR SOME HOT SAUCE.

WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN !

LISTEN TO YOU,

MS. HIGH AND MIGHTY,

TOO BUSY TO HELP YOUR FAMILY.

THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT,

AND IT DOESN'T CHANGE

THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A LIAR.

I HAD TO LIE !

NOT TO ME,

YOU DIDN'T.

EVERY TIME

YOU DO ONE OF THESE,

"IT'S THE LAST ONE."

THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

SHELLY, WHY DO YOU THINK

I'M DRESSED THIS WAY ?

I'M KILLING THE UTABAJI.

YOU ARE ?

YES !

AFTER THIS, IT'S OVER.

I'M KILLING THE SON OF A BITCH

AND BURYING HIM.

WHEN ?

NOW.

AND AFTER THIS,

IT'S BACK TO NORMAL.

"NORMAL."

WHO IS THAT ?

THAT'S IT !

PORTER AND ADAMS SAW ME.

WE'RE DEAD !

DAD. DAD !

DAD !

WHAT ?

THEY DON'T KNOW

IT'S YOU.

PERFECT.

EDMUND, GO OUTSIDE

AND HIDE IN THE HUT.

MICKEY, GO TO THE DOOR.

DEAN ADAMS.

COME IN.

THANK YOU.

WHO-- WHAT--

WHAT WAS THAT ?

WE JUST SAW

THE STRANGEST THING.

UH-- UH, THAT ?

WELL, MY FATHER WANTED

TO SURPRISE YOU,

BUT, UH--

HE BROUGHT ONE

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU

HERE TO AMERICA.

OH, THIS IS MARVELOUS.

UNBELIEVABLE.

ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

THIS IS INCREDIBLE !

GERALD ?

YES, JAMES ?

WHO'S THAT WITH YOU ?

PRESIDENT PORTER,

JAMES.

I'M SO UPSET.

YOU SPOILED MY SURPRISE.

YOU HAVE OUTDONE

YOURSELF, JAMES.

I CAME HERE

THIS AFTERNOON...

TO TALK YOU INTO EXTENDING

YOUR LECTURE SERIES,

PROFESSOR,

BUT I NEVER

IMAGINED THIS.

- WHO COULD ?

- SO, BRING HIM OUT.

I WANT TO MEET HIM.

I WOULD,

BUT, UH, HE'S PRAYING.

YEAH, UH, JUST ONE--

ONE, UH--

OH. YEAH.

EXCUSE ME.

DID YOU KNOW

HE WAS PLANNING THIS ?

YES.

YES, YES, I DID.

MAY I USE THE PHONE ?

SURE.

HE'S GOT AN INCREDIBLE

SENSE OF HUMOR.

- HOW LONG IS HE HERE FOR ?

- UH, JUST A LITTLE WHILE.

UM, HE'S ON A SUPER SAVER.

I'D LIKE HIM TO MEET

A FRIEND OF MINE.

OH, I-- I'D LIKE THAT,

BUT I DON'T THINK

IT'S GONNA BE, UH, POSSIBLE.

Y-YOU SEE, HE HAS TO

GET BACK FOR, UH--

FOR SHELRIKU.

YES ! THAT'S RIGHT.

HE HAS TO GET BACK

FOR SHELRIKU.

UH-- UH--

THE SWEET POTATO HARVEST.

THE SWEET POTATO HAR--

GOD, THAT IS RIGHT !

EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HAS THE SWEET POTATO HARVEST

COME SO QUICKLY AGAIN ?

GOSH, ONLY

28 MORE CROPPING DAYS

TILL SHELRIKU.

HOLD ON. IT'S MY NEPHEW.

HE BOOKS TALENT

FOR A TALK SHOW,

AND HE LOVES THE IDEA.

- EXCELLENT !

- TALK SHOW ?

OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

NO, NO, HE'S GOT A, UH--

NO.

NO, NO. NO.

YES !

TOMORROW IT IS, THEN.

IT'S SETTLED.

CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES.

OH, DON'T YOU THINK

THE ALUMNI ASSOCIATION...

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING...

* WISHBONE WORLD'S

MOST COLORFUL FACE *

GOOD EVENING,

AND WELCOME TO

ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

LIFE OF THE SHELMIKEDMU.

TONIGHT WE ARE AIRING

A VERY SPECIAL...

AND PERHAPS

CONTROVERSIAL ASPECT...

OF PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF'S

UNIQUE TRIBE:

THE MATING RITUALS

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU.

I FEEL OBLIGED

TO CLARIFY...

FOR THE VIEWER...

THAT THE MATERIAL

PRESENTED TONIGHT,

OFFENSIVE AS IT MAY BE

FOR SOME...

AND INAPPROPRIATE AS IT MAY BE

FOR CHILDREN,

IS OFFERED AS

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH.

AND NOW,

SIT BACK AND ENJOY.

THE MARRIAGE OF A SHELMIKEDMU

MALE AND FEMALE...

IS CONSUMMATED IN THE RELATIVE

PRIVACY OF THE PENUMANA,

OR MATRIMONIAL HUT.

KEEPING TO CENTURIES

OF TRADITION,

THE VILLAGERS

WAIT OUTSIDE THE HUT,

SINGING AND HOPING FOR

A SUCCESSFUL AND FERTILE UNION.

HO-HO !

AFTER YEARS

OF DOMESTIC DRUDGERY...

THE YOUNG BRIDE

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS

RARE CHANCE TO LET LOOSE,

ACTING IN A WAY THAT,

TO THE UNTRAINED WESTERN EYE,

MIGHT APPEAR AS DRUNKENNESS.

GO, BABY !

WILD JUNGLE WOMAN.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

I'D DO HER.

OWW !

HA HA !

LOOK AT THIS !

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR ?

I WASN'T TALKIN' ABOUT YOU.

LIFE OF THE SHELMIKEDMU

WILL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.

SHAKE IT, BABY !

SHAKE IT !

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE ON

THE LARRY SWIFT SHOW, JAMES.

IT'S A GREAT HONOR,

I KNOW, BUT--

LOOK, SIMON, I NEED YOU

TO DO THIS FOR ME.

BUT THE SHELMIKEDMU,

THAT'S YOUR BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU APPEAR

ON THE SHOW YOURSELF ?

I WOULD, BUT I TOLD YOU

I HAVE TO FLY HOME

FOR MY BROTHER'S FUNERAL.

BUT I'M CONCERNED, JAMES.

I DO NOT SPEAK SHELMIKEDMU.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

JUST FOLLOW THE NOTES.

LOOK, I'M GONNA BE LATE

FOR MY FLIGHT.

THE UTABAJI'S

GONNA BE HERE ANY SECOND.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

GO, GO, GO.

I'M GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU.

IT WILL BE AN HONOR.

I'M ASHAMED I SUPPORTED RUTH

WHEN SHE LEFT FOR NEW GUINEA

TO DISCREDIT YOU.

WHEN WAS THAT ?

LAST TUESDAY.

AND NOW BACK TO

THE LARRY SWIFT SHOW.

CAMERA TWO.

WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE HERE DISCUSSING

THE AMAZING DISCOVERY

OF DR. JAMES KRIPPENDORF.

UNFORTUNATELY,

A DEATH IN HIS FAMILY MEANS

HE COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT,

BUT WE HAVE THE HELP

OF HIS COLLEAGUE

SIMON ALONSO.

HELLO, SIMON.

HELLO, LARRY.

AND WELCOME,

CHIEF KAWANAKAPI.

A TRADITIONAL

SHELMIKEDMU GREETING.

OH. HAMASS !

HAMAMASS !

THEY MUST GO THROUGH

QUITE A FEW TABLES

WHERE HE COMES FROM.

UH, WHAT IS HE SAYING,

SIMON ?

UM--

YOU KNOW, LARRY, I--

LARRY, I--

WAIT A SECOND.

MY PRODUCER IS TELLING ME--

OH, WE HAVE FOUND AN EXPERT,

SOMEONE WHO IS FLUENT

IN SHELMIKEDMU.

- YOU DID ?

- YES, AND HERE SHE IS NOW.

PROFESSOR VERONICA MICELLI,

A COLLEAGUE OF YOURS

AT BOUNDERBEE UNIVERSITY.

HI,

PROFESSOR MICELLI.

SHELMIKEDMU.

HI.

NICE TO SEE YOU, ALONSO.

YOU CAN GO.

UH, NO, I PROMISED

PROF. KRIPPENDORF--

GO !

I HAVE TO GO, LARRY.

PROFESSOR,

YOU'RE AN AUTHORITY

ON THE SHELMIKEDMU ?

THAT'S RIGHT, LARRY.

ACTUALLY, IN ANTHROPOLOGICAL

CIRCLES I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING

BUT REPLACE PROF. KRIPPENDORF...

AS TH EXPERT

ON THE SHELMIKEDMU.

NOT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY

FROM HIS STUDIES, OF COURSE,

AS INCONCLUSIVE AS THEY ARE.

NOW THE SHIT-AH

HIT-AH DA FAN-AH.

COULD YOU ASK THE CHIEF

HIS INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

OF THE UNITED STATES ?

OH, SURE. UH--

YOU-AH...

BITCH.

MMM.

HE SAYS IT'S A VERY LARGE

AND FRIGHTENING COUNTRY,

FULL OF THINGS HE THOUGHT

EXISTED ONLY IN MYTH.

AND HE SAID THAT IN ONLY

THREE SYLLABLES ?

IT'S A VERY CONCISE LANGUAGE.

SADLY, THIS IS THE CHIEF'S

FINAL APPEARANCE IN AMERICA.

HE FLIES HOME TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT MAKES THIS VISIT

VERY SPECIAL INDEED.

COULD YOU PLEASE

EXPLAIN HIS COSTUME

FOR US ?

GLADLY.

I GUESS THE MOST OBVIOUS

ORNAMENT TO THE WESTERN EYE

WOULD BE THIS PENIS SHEATH.

UM, ITS INTENTION IS TO

INTIMIDATE OPPOSING TRIBES.

NOW, INTERESTINGLY,

MY RESEARCH HAS PROVEN...

THAT THE SIZE

OF THE MAN'S SHEATH

IS IN DIRECT CONTRAST...

TO THE SIZE OF--

LET'S JUST SAY,

THE BIGGER THE SHEATH...

THE SMALLER THE--

OBVIOUSLY.

NOW, PROFESSOR,

WHAT IS THE CHIEF

DOING NOW ?

THIS WOULD BE A SIGN

OF AFFECTION...

AMONGST

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

- PRETTY MUCH

THE SAME THING WE DO HERE.

- UH-HUH.

NOW, THIS ACT OF THE CHIEF

CALLS FOR THE REQUISITE

RESPONSE FROM THE WOMAN.

AAAAH !

In "Shelmikedmu,"

SO, UH, I KNOW

THIS MAY SEEM VIOLENT

TO THE VIEWERS,

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU

THE CHIEF IS VERY USED

TO THIS.

OR, AT LEAST,

HE SHOULD BE.

NOW, AFTER SUCH A DISPLAY

OF AFFECTION IT IS VERY COMMON

TO GIVE AN OFFERING OF GIFTS.

JUST SO HAPPEN TO HAVE

SOME GIFTS RIGHT HERE.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE,

PROFESSOR ?

WELL, RIGHT HERE

I HAVE A LOVELY SELECTION...

OF STINK SLUGS

AND SEGO GRUBS.

IT'S A DELICACY

FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU.

AH, SEE. HE'S LIKE

A KID IN A CANDY STORE.

- HE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW,

CAN HE EAT ONE RIGHT HERE ?

- OH, OF COURSE HE CAN.

I'LL JUST GET

A NICE, BIG, SLIMY ONE.

IT'LL FLY RIGHT DOWN.

LET'S SEE HERE.

OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

CAN WE GET

A CLOSE-UP OF THAT ?

SURE !

CAMERA ONE.

HE SAYS HE CAN'T WAIT

TO EAT IT.

OH, BE MY GUEST.

ALL RIGHT.

DOWN-DAH HATCH-AH.

EAT-AH, PUKE-AH.

FASCINATING,

ISN'T IT ?

AND THE PART WHERE

YOU SLAPPED EACH OTHER ?

THAT WAS SO RAD.

OH, YEAH.

I ENJOYED THAT PART TOO.

SEE YA.

ARE YOU OUT

OF YOUR MIND ?

WHAT ?

OUT OF MY MIND ?

YOU LIED TO EVERYONE.

YOU FALSIFIED RESEARCH.

YOU MISAPPROPRIATED GRANT MONEY.

IS THERE ANYTHING

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ?

NO-- HEY !

LET ME SEE.

EATING A GRUB

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP

PRETTY GOOD.

HEY.

GREAT SHOW.

THANKS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MOGO WACACA.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

WHEN DID YOU

FIGURE THIS OUT ?

OH, GEE, LET ME SEE.

MAYBE WHEN I SAW THE WALL

OF SEX AT THE TV STORE.

THEY DID EVERYTHING

BUT SELL POPCORN !

ALL RIGHT !

I'M SORRY !

I DID AN AWFUL THING TO YOU,

BUT YOU GOT YOUR REVENGE.

BARELY.

OH !

YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME.

OHH !

WE'RE EVEN, ALL RIGHT ?

I AM ON THAT TAPE, TOO,

REMEMBER ?

I AM THE ONE HOLDING UP

THE PLANK MEASURING HOW MANY

PIGS MY BREASTS ARE WORTH.

OKAY, OKAY, LOOK.

I'LL TELL THEM

THAT I GOT YOU DRUNK.

I'LL TELL THEM

I SEDUCED YOU.

OH, GREAT !

EVEN BETTER.

NOW I'M AN IDIOT AND

A COCONSPIRATOR. WHOO !

WHY DID YOU

TELL LARRY SWIFT

THAT I WAS LEAVING ?

BECAUSE ONCE

WE SEND THIS CHARACTER

BACK TO WHEREVER HE CAME FROM,

NO ONE CAN PROVE A THING;

WE'RE SAFE.

OH, REALLY ?

RUTH ALLEN IS IN NEW GUINEA,

EVEN AS WE SPEAK,

LOOKING

FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU.

SHE WENT THERE ?

I DARED HER TO GO,

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT

THE WOMAN WOULD DO IT.

- WHAT ? YOU--

- OOPS-- NO, UH--

NO BIG DEAL.

TRIBES DIE OFF

ALL THE TIME.

THEY GET WIPED OUT

BY A VOLCANO OR A VIRUS,

NEVER TO BE HEARD OF AGAIN.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHO'S NEVER

TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN ?

PEOPLE WHO UNDERESTIMATE

RUTH ALLEN.

IT'S GOING TO BE

ABSOLUTELY--

VERONICA.

WAIT THERE A SECOND !

THE PROXMIRE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

SEARCHING FOR YOU ALL DAY !

ME ? THEY HAVE ?

THEY ARE RENEWING

JAMES' GRANT...

SO HE CAN CONTINUE HIS WORK

ON THE SHELMIKEDMU.

MRS. PROXMIRE HERSELF

WILL PRESENT THE CHECK

TO JAMES...

AT A BIG GALA

WEDNESDAY EVENING.

HERE'S THE BEST PART.

THE UTABAJI IS GOING TO BE

THE GUEST OF HONOR.

THAT'S WONDERFUL !

DID JAMES HAPPEN TO MENTION

THAT HE OFFICIALLY MADE ME

HIS PARTNER ?

CONGRATULATIONS !

OH. YES.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ?

NO.

COULD MEAN GOING TO JAIL.

NO, IT MEANS

MORE RECOGNITION.

RECOGNITION ?

RECOGNITION IS

THE LAST THING I WANT !

I AM NOT TAKING

THE GRANT.

OH, YES, YOU ARE.

HALF THAT MONEY IS MINE.

I EARNED IT.

YOU ARE INSANE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ?

AND HOW DOES JAMES KRIPPENDORF

GO TO A PARTY WITH HIM ?

HUH ?

GO IN

AND GET THE KIDS.

ME ?

WELL, I CAN'T GO IN

DRESSED LIKE THIS,

CAN I ?

HUH ?

SON OF A BITCH !

W-WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?

JAMES !

AT CHESTER HILLS,

WE BELIEVE A STRUCTURED LIFE

IS A PRODUCTIVE LIFE,

IS A HAPPY LIFE.

I WANT YOU KIDS TO LOOK

AT THE NEW SKATING RINK

IN THESE BROCHURES.

OHHH-AAAAAAAH !

OHH !

WHAT IS THIS ?

WHAT THE HELL ?

OHH, PICK-PICKET !

OOOH.

- GOSH ! DO YOU KNOW

WHO THIS IS ?

WAMOOK MAN !

HELLO.

I'M VERONICA MICELLI.

THIS IS THE-- THE, UH--

THIS IS THE TRIBAL CHIEF

ON TV ! THE, UH--

IT'S THAT SAVAGE THAT JAMES

HAS BEEN CARRYING AROUND

LIKE A SIDESHOW FREAK.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING

IN OUR LIVING ROOM ?

GET AWAY FROM ME,

YOU VOODOO TWIT !

OKAY, LET'S GO !

YOU SEE, DR. ANDREWS ?

YOU SEE WHAT THESE KIDS

HAVE TO GROW UP WITH ?

CHESTER HILLS

IS OUR LAST HOPE.

MAYBE IT IS.

SHELLY, TAKE YOUR

COTTON-PICKIN' PURSE OFF

OF THAT MARBLE TOP TABLE !

- MY GOD IN HEAVEN,

WHAT IS HE DOING NOW ?

- THAT JUST MEANS

HE LIKES IT.

- OH, REALLY ?

- AND WHAT DOES HE DO

IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT ?

- WHOA !

- UH, THAT.

- CAN THEY START MONDAY ?

- THE SOONER THE BETTER.

YEAH, WELL, DAD SAYS

WE DON'T HAVE TO GO

TO YOUR STUPID SCHOOL.

THAT'S FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER

AND ME TO DECIDE.

YES !

- ACTUALLY,

THAT'S FOR US TO DECIDE.

- WE'LL CHOOSE WHAT'S BEST.

NOW GET THIS FILTHY SAVAGE

OUT OF HERE ! GET HIM OUT !

I'VE HAD ENOUGH--

WHOA !

OH, JESUS H. CHRIST !

GET OFF ME, YOU PERVERT !

COME ON !

LORI, SUCK IT UP !

GET A MOVE ON !

MUST STOP.

MUST SLEEP.

KILL RUTH. MUST STOP.

HURRY UP !

WHAT IS IT ?

WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED ?

LAND OF SPIRITS.

THIS IS IT ?

THIS IS BOSAVI ?

BOSAVI.

NOTHING.

IT'S NOTHING.

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT ! I KNEW IT !

I KNEW IT !

THERE IS NO SHELMIKEDMU !

GOD, IT MUST BE SO COOL

TO BE A GLOBE-TROTTING

14-YEAR-OLD.

YEAH, I USED TO DREAM

OF TRAVELING.

GOD, MY FAMILY AND I

DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.

NOT EVEN

TO THE MOVIES.

GOD, YOUR PARENTS

MUST HAVE LOVED YOU

SO MUCH...

FOR THEM TO TAKE YOU

ALONG WITH THEM.

- IS THAT RIGHT ?

- OH, BELIEVE ME.

WHEN THEY DON'T LOVE YOU,

THEY JUST PACK THEIR BAGS

AND SAY,

"SORRY, VERONICA, HONEY.

THIS TRIP'S JUST FOR

US GROWNUPS.

HELL WOULD FREEZE OVER

BEFORE WE'D TAKE YOU."

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT DO YA THINK ?

- I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- ISN'T IT ? IT'S MY FAVORITE.

WOULD YOU STICK IT

IN THAT GARBAGE BAG

FOR ME ?

RIGHT OVER HERE.

OH !

LOOK !

IT'S MARVELOUS.

HELLO, LITTLE FELLA.

HAMAMASS.

HORS D'OEUVRES, MADAM ?

SEGO GRUBS.

HMM.

CHAMPAGNE ?

THANKS.

HAMAMASS.

ALL RIGHT !

KEEP IT MOVING !

NEXT !

HENRY SPIVEY,

MRS. PROXMIRE.

I'M THE MEDIA CONSULTANT

FOR THE SHELMIKEDMU

AND A VERY BIG FAN OF YOURS.

- AND THIS IS

THE WOMAN I'M WITH.

MAY I SAY YOU LOOK

ABSOLUTELY RADIANT THIS

EVENING, MRS. PROXMIRE ?

THANK YOU. NEXT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST BEND OVER

AND KISS HER SHRIVELED ASS ?

OH, EDITH,

HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

WAS IT YOU WHO DIED,

OR WAS IT YOUR SISTER ?

EXCUSE ME.

AT LAST.

WELCOME, CHIEF.

GREETINGS.

OH, PLEASE,

RIGHT THIS WAY.

PLEASE.

MRS. PROXMIRE,

PROFESSOR KRIPPENDORF.

MRS. PROXMIRE,

IT IS MY HONOR...

TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

KAWANAKAPI,

THE CHIEF UTABAJI...

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU

PEOPLE.

- OHH !

- AND WHERE IS

PROFESSOR MICELLI ?

SHE HAS BEEN DELAYED.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

MRS. PROXMIRE

IS VERY ANXIOUS

TO MEET HER.

SHE SAID SHE'D BE HERE

FOR DESSERT-- AAAH !

I-I-I-I MEAN

HORS D'OEUVRES.

UM, GOLLY,

I THINK I GOT THAT WRONG.

UM--

YES, UH, UH,

SHE'D BE ARRIVING

JUST ABOUT NOW.

LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE !

THIS IS HORRIBLE.

HORRIBLE.

"STOP STEALING

YOUR PARENTS' MONEY.

"DROP OUT NOW.

GOOD LUCK

IN SUMMER SCHOOL."

"URGENT.

AT BOSAVI NOW.

"NO SIGN OF SHELMIKEDMU.

A COMPLETE HOAX.

STOP KRIPPENDORF."

YOU BET I WILL.

YOU MADE ME LIE

TO LARRY SWIFT !

ALL CLEAR !

HELP ME.

KEEP BREATHING.

OWW !

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA

STAY THE UTABAJI...

UNTIL AT LEAST

THE MAIN COURSE.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

MRS. PROXMIRE WAS GONNA BE

SO HOT TO TALK TO ME ?

HOW DID I EVER

GET INTO THIS ?

YOU ARE ACTUALLY

ENJOYING THIS,

AREN'T YOU ?

MM-HMM.

HI. I AM A COLLEAGUE

OF YOUR FATHER

FROM THE UNIVERSITY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

UH, I, UH,

I AM PROFESSOR ALONSO.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE SEEN ME

ON THE LARRY SWIFT SHOW ?

YOUR FATHER

ASKED ME TO COME BY...

AND PICK UP

ALL THE SHELMIKEDMU

RESEARCH MATERIAL.

WHY ?

WHY ? BECAUSE HE WANTS TO

SHOW IT AT THE GALA TONIGHT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO

COME BACK TOMORROW.

NO !

WE NEED IT TONIGHT.

PLEASE. PLEASE !

I AM GOOD WITH CHILDREN.

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

PLEASE OPEN UP.

PLEASE !

OH, YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY ?

YOU WAIT TILL RUTH ALLEN

COMES BACK FROM NEW GUINEA !

I'LL SHOW YOU

WHO'S GOING TO LAUGH LAST !

SHELLY !

OH, I HATE CHILDREN !

THEY KNOW.

DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK ?

THEY KNOW

THERE'S NO SHELMIKEDMU.

WE HAVE TO TELL DAD.

I'M DRIVING.

YOU ?

YOU DRIVE ?

FOR YOUR APPROVAL,

SIR.

SO HE SAYS,

"THAT GOES FOR YOUR CAT TOO."

ARE YOU

A NURSING MOTHER ?

MMM !

YOU KNOW, DID I SAY

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

TO YOU YET ?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

EDITH.

MAY I CALL YOU EDITH ?

GOD, WHAT A GORGEOUS RING.

- I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO

YOU ABOUT THE TIMOTOTTA TRIBE.

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE

GONNA START GETTING BORED

WITH THE SHELMIKEDMU.

SO, WE'LL TALK.

OKAY, GOOD.

SO, MUST BE SOMETHING

VERY IMPORTANT...

TO KEEP YOUR WIFE

FROM ATTENDING THIS HONOR

FOR YOUR SON-IN-LAW.

YEAH.

SHE HADDA DEFROST

THE REFRIGERATOR.

AAH !

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE--

- KRIPPENDORF.

WHERE IS HE ?

IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR

THE PRESENTATION OF THE CHECK...

AND HE'S NOT HERE.

OH... KAY.

I'LL FIND HIM.

CHIEF ?

- HAMAMASS !

HE SAYS HE'LL MISS YOU,

BUT WE'LL BE BACK.

OKAY. GOD, PORTER

REMINDS ME OF MY CRANKY

FIRST-GRADE TEACHER.

PENIS.

OH.

OKAY, I AM ONLY GONNA

DRESS LIKE THE UTABAJI

UNTIL WE GET THAT CHECK.

ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.

WOULD YOU HURRY UP ?

I'M NOT THAT EXCITED.

...SELF-OBSESSED PERSON

I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

"I, I, I. ME, ME, ME."

OH, WOULD YOU STOP IT ?

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE

IF IT WASN'T FOR ME.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED--

OH, GOD !

AAAAH !

MRS. PROXMIRE,

THIS IS NOT

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

LISTEN, WE'RE JUST--

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

OF COURSE SHE'S NOT.

SHE'S TURNING BLUE !

- DO SOMETHING !

OHH. OH, GOOD.

YOU SAVED HER LIFE.

- AH-AH ! NO BELL.

NO BELL.

- SHH !

- NO BELL, PLEASE !

- NO BELL ! NO BELL !

MY GOD, YOU KILLED HER.

I DIDN'T KILL HER.

ARE YOU CRAZY ?

DON'T BE SILLY.

MRS. PROXMIRE !

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE--

- NO, NO. MRS. PROXMIRE !

- HUH ?

- HELLO ! HELLO !

MRS.-- OH, LOOK AT THAT.

- MRS. PROXMIRE !

OH, SHIT !

GET DRESSED.

GIVE ME MY PENIS AND

I'LL MEET YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

MRS. PROXMIRE,

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

- WHAT'LL I SAY

TO PRESIDENT PORTER ?

- YOU'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

HEY !

WHOA.

OHHH.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON

IN HERE ?

MMM.

A-WIMOWEH, A-WIMOWEH,

A-WIMOWEH--

GET OUTTA MY WAY, YOU MORON.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID DAD

TAUGHT YOU TO DRIVE.

THIS IS

HOW HE TAUGHT ME !

WHAT'S HAPPENING ?

THERE'S NO ANSWER.

KEEP TRYIN'.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

SOMEBODY PICKED UP. HELLO ?

IS IT HIM ?

HELLO ?

HELLO ? PAPA SULUKIM ?

CAN YOU HEAR ME ?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS.

THANK YOU.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR

THE PRESENTATION

OF THE CHECK...

TO PROFESSOR...

KRIPPENDORF ?

YEAH, HE HAD TO LEAVE

BECAUSE, UM--

WELL, JUST BECAUSE.

AND HE SAID

THAT AS HIS PARTNER...

I COULD ACCEPT THE CHECK

IN HIS NAME.

VERY WELL, MS. MICELLI.

AND NOW,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LET'S HAVE

A WARM GREETING...

FOR OUR SHELMIKEDMU

UTABAJI.

CHIEF, THAT'S FOR YOU.

GO ON UP.

HAMAMASS !

Banging Tables,

MS. MICELLI, IN RECOGNITION

OF THE REMARKABLE RESEARCH...

THAT PROF. KRIPPENDORF--

AND, APPARENTLY, YOU--

HAVE ACCOMPLISHED,

MRS. PROXMIRE

IS PROUD TO PRESENT YOU...

WITH A CHECK

FOR $100,000...

TO FURTHER YOUR WORK

ON THE SHELMIKEDMU PEOPLE.

WONDERFUL.

- OH, THANK YOU, MRS. PROXMIRE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S SO PROFOUNDLY

GENEROUS OF YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

THANK YOU.

WELL, AS A GIRL

I HAD A DREAM--

AND THAT DREAM

WAS TO BECOME

AN ANTHROPOLOGIST.

NOW, NO ACCOMPLISHMENT

COMES EASILY--

STOP ! STOP !

THIS WHOLE THING IS A FRAUD !

- I HAVE BEEN FAXED

WITH PROOF...

THAT THE SHELMIKEDMU

DO NOT EXIST !

PROFESSOR,

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ?

I HOLD HERE A FACSIMILE

FROM PROFESSOR RUTH ALLEN

IN NEW GUINEA...

CONFIRMING THAT THERE IS

NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER

OF THE SHELMIKEDMU.

- GERALD.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE'S

BEEN A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING.

GIVE ME THAT.

SEE FOR YOURSELF.

THEY DO NOT EXIST !

HEY. HOLD ON.

TO ANY OF YOU FAMILIAR

WITH THE SHELMIKEDMU,

IT'S NOT SURPRISING

THAT PROFESSOR ALLEN

COULDN'T FIND THEM.

- AND WHY NOT ?

- "WHY NOT ?"

THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON

WHY NOT.

AND MY BROTHER MICKEY...

WILL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

WELL, YES, UM,

THE REASON WHY...

PROFESSOR ALLEN

WAS NOT ABLE TO LOCATE

THE SHELMIKEDMU--

I-IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.

YOU SEE, THEY PRACTICE

AN OBSCURE RITUAL...

CALLED BU API...

IN WHICH THE GODS

INSTRUCT THEM TO CONCEAL

AND REVEAL THEMSELVES.

AND NOW YOU CAN'T

FIND THEM ANYMORE.

EXACTLY.

THIS--

THESE CHILDREN ARE

PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.

THIS TRIBE IS A FRAUD !

- IT'S NOT A FRAUD !

THERE HAS TO BE

A SHELMIKEDMU TRIBE,

BECAUSE IF THERE ISN'T

WE WON'T HAVE FUN

ANYMORE...

WATCHING SHELLY

CHASE CHICKENS...

AND DANCING TOGETHER.

IT'LL BE LIKE IT WAS

AFTER MOM DIED...

AND NOBODY WAS HAPPY.

TELL THEM.

NO, DON'T.

- OHH !

KRIPPENDORF !

JAMES !

PROFESSOR !

KRIPPENDORF ?

THE CHILDREN

KNOW NOTHING !

PERSONALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO

STRING YOU UP BY THAT SHEATH

AND HANG YOU OUT TO DRY.

THE HUMILIATION THIS UNIVERSITY

WILL HAVE TO ENDURE...

ON ACCOUNT OF

YOUR ACTIONS...

IS UNTHINKABLE.

I WARNED YOU, JAMES,

AND NOW YOU ARE GOING

TO PAY BIG-TIME !

VERY BIG-TIME !

I ONLY HOPE YOU BOTH STOLE

ENOUGH MONEY SO YOU CAN AFFORD

A DAMN GOOD LAWYER !

A VERY GOOD

DAMN LAWYER !

GENTLEMEN.

WE HAVE TO PUT ASIDE

PERSONAL REVENGE...

AND CONSIDER WHAT'S BEST

FOR THE UNIVERSITY.

EXACTLY.

- ALL THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE--

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

BUT THERE'S AN URGENT CALL

FROM A PROFESSOR ALLEN...

IN NEW GUINEA

ON LINE THREE.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

I'M SURE WE ALL

WANT TO HEAR THIS.

PRESIDENT PORTER HERE,

PROFESSOR.

HELLO, RUTH--

WITH ADAMS

AND KRIPPENDORF.

YOU'RE ON

THE SPEAKERPHONE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR--

I'M SORRY, RUTH.

IT SOUNDED AS IF YOU SAID

YOU FOUND SOMETHING.

WHAT DID YOU FIND ?

AAAAH !

WHAT WAS THAT, RUTH ?

I COULDN'T HEAR YOU.

RUTH ? COULD YOU

SAY IT AGAIN, PLEASE ?

WHAT DID YOU FIND ?

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

STOP THAT DRUMMING !

WE FOUND THE SHELMIKEDMU.

I AM ON THE PHONE.

I AM ON THE PHONE !

LORI, YOU ARE DRIVING ME

"F"-ING CRAZY !

WE FOUND THE SHELMIKEDMU.

NO, NO, NO.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YES.

YES, WE FOUND

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS,

RUTH ?

I'M LOSING YOU.

I AM LOSING YOU !

- HE IS RIGHT HERE

IN THIS ROOM !

- YOU TELL ME NOW THAT--

WE'LL SEND OUT

A PRESS RELEASE

IMMEDIATELY...

EXPLAINING THAT

WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT...

WAS ALL A PRACTICAL JOKE.

THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

EXACTLY.

YES.

WELL, THERE'S JUST SO MUCH

THAT I COULD SAY,

BUT I THINK I'LL BE

A BIGGER PERSON THAN YOU

AND NOT SAY IT.

CHILDREN, LET'S GO.

MS. MICELLI.

THAT DOES NOT SURPRISE ME

AT ALL, BECAUSE--

YOU'RE FIRED.

EXACTLY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,

GUYS ?

I WANT A HOT DOG.

A HOT DOG.

HELLO, HELLO.

ANY PROBLEMS,

PAPA SULUKIM ?

NO !

NOT A ONE, SHELLY.

NOT A ONE.

SO PROFESSOR ALLEN

SWALLOWED THE WHOLE THING ?

GOOD FOR YOU, TOO, BECAUSE

NO AMOUNT OF MONEY COULD GET ME

TO WEAR A PENIS SHEATH AGAIN.

WELL, I SENT YOUR STUFF

THIS MORNING.

ANY PROBLEMS,

CALL ME.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF,

MY LITTLE

SHELLY KRIPPENDORF,

AND HAMAMASS.

HAMAMASS, PAPA SULUKIM.

* EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE

AND THANKS.

* EE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE

EE-WI-OM-OM-MOWEH *

SO, WHEN EXACTLY DID--

IT'S A TRIBAL THING.

* WI-OM-OM-MOWEH *

YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT.

THE TIMOTOTTA ARE WRONG.

WE'LL JUST STICK WITH

THE SHELMIKEDMU.

I NEVER SAID THAT.

YOU KNOW WHERE WE

WENT WRONG WITH THEM ?

YES, I DO.

THERE IS NO SUCH TRIBE.

THAT'S WHERE WE WENT WRONG.

BE THAT AS IT MAY--

WE BLEW THE PUBLISHING.

BIG TIME !

THANK YOU ! SEE ?

OKAY, SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO

WITH THE SHELMIKEDMU--

THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

WE'RE GOING TO

CONCENTRATE OUR EFFORTS

ON A GLOSSY PRESENTATION.

DOES ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME ?

THERE IS NO SUCH TRIBE.

* HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CLOSE

TO TRAGEDY *

* OR BEEN CLOSE TO FOLKS

WHO HAVE *

* HAVE YOU EVER FELT THE PAIN

SO POWERFUL *

* SO HEAVY YOU COLLAPSE

NO ? WELL...

* I NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* BUT I KNOW SOMEONE

WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER

IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER

IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD

I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE

IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION

THAT I GET *

* HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE ODDS

TICK UP SO HIGH *

* YOU NEED A STRENGTH

MOST DON'T POSSESS *

* OR HAS IT EVER COME DOWN

TO DO OR DIE *

* YOU GOT TO RISE

ABOVE THE REST *

NO ? WELL...

* I NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* BUT I KNOW SOMEONE

WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER

IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER

IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD

I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE

IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION

THAT I GET *

* I'M NOT A COWARD

I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN TESTED *

* I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT

IF I WAS, I WOULD PASS *

* LOOK AT THE TESTED AND THINK

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE GO I *

* MIGHT BE A COWARD

I'M AFRAID OF WHAT

I MIGHT FIND OUT *

* NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* BUT I KNOW SOMEONE

WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER

IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER

IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO

KNOCK ON WOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD

I HAVEN'T YET *

* BECAUSE I'M SURE

IT ISN'T GOOD *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION

THAT I GET *

* NEVER HAD TO

BUT I'D BETTER KNOCK ON WOOD *

* 'CAUSE I KNOW

SOMEONE WHO HAS *

* WHICH MAKES ME WONDER

IF I COULD *

* IT MAKES ME WONDER

IF I *

* NEVER HAD TO

BUT I'D BETTER KNOCK ON WOOD *

* 'CAUSE I'M SURE

IT ISN'T GOOD *

* AND I'M GLAD

I HAVEN'T YET *

* THAT'S THE IMPRESSION

THAT I GET **

Krippendorf's Tribe (1998) - full transcript