Konrad (1985) - full transcript

Konrad is a perfect instant child "born" in a factory at age 8. Due to a mistake in the factory's computer, Konrad is delivered to Bertie Bartolotti, a woman whose life and appearance are in a constant state of disarray. Konrad arrives looking like a gremlin, but when Bertie pours a nutrient solution over his head he changes into a fully-developed, perfect 8-year-old child. The factory realizes a mistake was made, and recalls Konrad, but he does not want to leave his new family and friends.

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(fast tense music)

- There ya are.
- There we go.

- [Monford] I'm gonna
need that tall metal,

that tall blue metal thing
with the wheels on it.

- [Both] The amtruck.

- The amtruck.

On the ground!



There we are.

There we are.

You idiot!

You fool!

Understand, do you?

Do you understand what you've done?

Get back in the truck.

You're on very dangerous ground here.

All right.

- Boss!

You forgot this.

- You're fired.

- Why don't you like to English muffins?

Is it the jelly?

Speak up!

(glass tapping)

Too quiet around here.

Ah, late for work.

Why didn't you tell me the time?

You're no help at all, come on.

(slow gentle music)

Okay, here we go.

Now, where were we?

(Berti yawns)
(dog barks)

All right.

Another day, another dollar.

(bell ringing)

Saved by the bell.


Stay there.


- Package for Mr. and Mrs.
Konrad Augustus Bartolotti.

- Any charges?

- It's prepaid.

- Well I'm Berti Bartolotti.

- That would be Alberta-

- That's me.

- Sign here, please.

- I'll need your husband's signature too.

- Well, he's off in the Himalayas.

He said he'd be right back
if you'd care to wait.

- No.

Your signature will be fine.

Where do you want it?

- Well, in here I guess.

(Monford grunting)

- What is it?

- You oughta know.

(Berti scoffs)

- Well, of course I know,
I've been expecting it.

- Expecting, exactly right.

(Monford chuckles)



- No, it's just having an off day.

Oh, just a minute.

- No, no, no, no tips.

(slow gentle music)

- Now who would send
me a package addressed

to Mr. and Mrs. Bartolotti?

Mr. Thomas.

I bet Mr. Thomas sent it.


Ah, well.

Oh great.

Now I'm gonna have these foam things

all over my house for two months.

Oh, oh come on.


(container knocking)


It has the echo of food.

Cheese or fruitcake.


A can full of documents.

Nutrient solution?

Vacuum packed for freshness.

(tense music)

(Berti gasps)

What in the...

(Berti gasps)


It's a gremlin.

- [Man On Tape] Pour the nutrient solution

over the contents of this
container immediately.

- Who said that?

- [Man On Tape] Pour the
the nutrient solution

over the contents of this
container immediately.

- Nutrient solution, nutrient solution.

- [Man On Tape] Pour the nutrient solution

over the contents of this
container immediately!

- Okay, okay.

- [Man On Tape] Pour the nutrient solution

over the contents of this
container immediately!

- I am!

I am!

- [Man On Tape] Pour the nutrient solution

of the contents of this
container immediately!

- I did, I did!

What more do you want from me?

(tense music)
(body shimmering)

- Hi Mom.

You did that real well.

- What are you?

- An Instant Child.

For the record, I'm eight years old,

but off the record, I'm brand new.

You look very nice, Mom.

- Oh.

Why do you keep calling me, Mom?

- Have you forgotten already?

I better do the ceremony.

Dear parents, your dearest
wish has now been granted.

We, the manufacturers
wish you every happiness

and hope you will be completely satisfied

with your new Instant Child.

Trademark, patent pending.

May he always bring you joy
and fulfill your expectations.

Isn't that nice?

- It's beautiful.

It sounds like the
guarantee on a deep fryer.

This is a, this is a joke isn't it?

- No joke, Mom.

There are other documents.

Inoculation papers,

school transfer papers,

and here's my birth certificate.

Konrad Albert Bartolotti, that's me.

Father Konrad Augustus Bartolotti

and mother Alberta Bartolotti.

That's you?

We are the project for
the Instant Child program.

I'm the first one out in the field.

So where's dad?

- Dad?

What Dad?

- My Dad.

The one I'm named dafter.

- Oh, oh, that Dad.


he's off in the Himalayas.

- Oh wow, that's great.

What's he doing there?

- Whatever bums do in the Himalayas,

that's what he's doing.

Look, do you live in this can?

- I would like to come out,

but I don't have any clothes.

They said I'd get some here.

- Oh, oh well, I have
just the thing for you.

(slow gentle music)

- [Konrad] Are you sure eight year old

boys wear things like this?

- The lucky ones.

Say, the problem is,

I wasn't expecting.

No, I don't mean expecting
in the sense of expecting,

but I'm a little confused.

- You're glad I'm here, aren't you Mom?

- Yes, I'm glad, I'm very glad.

- Really glad?

- Really glad, gladly glad,
glad gladder, gladdest.

(Berti chuckles)

This place that you came from-

- The factory.

- The factory.

What's that like?

- I'm not supposed to talk about it,

only in emergencies.

Is this an emergency?

- Well, I don't know yet,
but I'm leaning toward yes.

(bell ringing)

Oh, Mr. Thomas, I forgot about him.

Mr. Thomas.
- Berti.

- [Thomas] New sheet music came in,

I can't wait to try it.

- I have a little boy.

- I think this is going to
be a perfect duet for us.

- He's eight years old.

- Berti, (chuckles) what
is all this stuff here?

- His name is Konrad.

- I must admit I was
getting a little bored

with some of the things
that we were doing.

What did you say?

- Konrad?

- Konrad.

He's back from the Himalayas.

- No, no.

Konrad Junior.

(Mr. Thomas gaps)

- That's just a little boy in a fur coat.

- Yes, Mom?

- Yes, Mom.

What's "Yes, Mom?"

- Mr. Thomas, this is Konrad,

my eight year old son.

- Nice to meet you Mr. Thomas.

- Oh, yes, nice to meet you as well.

- Konrad, why don't you see if there's

something on the television?

- Okay, Mom.

I'll just go and look around.

- Okay, Mom.

Berti, I've known you for
more than eight years.

What did you have, an invisible pregnancy?

- No.

He came in a can.

- Oh Berti, you need help.

- No, no, it's true.

(slow gentle music)

- Smells funny.

Like it might've been
filled with potato chips.

- He's an Instant Child.

- Instant what?

- Instant Child.

It's the latest thing in blessed events.

See, he comes with his
own papers and everything.

Just like he was from the kennel club.

- Berti,

this is incredible.

This is highly advanced
genetic engineering.

How did you get him?

- They just brought him.

The package was addressed to me.

I never heard of Instant Child.

Maybe my husband ordered
him before he left?

He always liked to instant potatoes.

- [Thomas] How much did he cost?

- [Berti] Nothing.

All I have to do is buy him some clothes.

- Berti, send him back.

- Well, first of all,
there's no return address.

And secondly, there is something

about the way he calls me Mom

that just goes right through me

like nothing ever has.

It's almost like I really am his Mother.

- Berti, don't get carried away.

This will become another of your fads.

Next thing you'll know, you'll be putting

together an instant family.

Maiden aunt, canned cousin.

- Oh, I don't want a
family, I just want him!

- Do you know what you're getting into?

Do you know the work the children take,

the time, the patience, the attention?

Do you know what you get in return?


They take over your life.

Now, what do you know
about being a mother?

- Well, what about my natural instincts?

- That's all you've got is instincts,

which is what drew me to
you in the first place.

You're one of a kind, Berti.

- You're losing your train of thought.

- Right.

Instincts are not enough.

A child needs leadership.

Send him back, Berti.

Get yourself another goldfish.

- Oh!

I can't do that!

- Berti, face reality.

There's been a mistake here.

Now sooner or later, that
mistake is going to be corrected.

You'll get hurt if you
get too attached to him.

Send him back, immediately.

(solemn music)

- You'll be comfortable here, I know I am.

All fresh and ready.

- [Konrad] Thanks Mom.

- Crawl in there.

There, now how's that?

- Good.

Goodnight, Mom.

- Goodnight, Konrad.

(slow gentle music)

(machine clanking)

- [Konrad] You're glad
I'm here, aren't you Mom?

- [Berti] Yes, I'm glad, I'm very glad.

- [Thomas] There's been a mistake here.

Send him back, immediately.

- This child needs pajamas.

(coins clank)



How many pairs of shoes does a kid need?


How many pairs of socks
for each pair of shoes?

Wonder what kind of
underwear a little boy wears?

(Berti chuckles)
(slow paced music)

Woo-hoo, Konrad, open up!
(door banging)

Open up!

Hi Konrad!

- Hi Mom!
- Look.

- [Berti] Where are all
the plastic bubbles?

Did you do that?

- Unpacking me made such a mess,

that I cleaned it up.

- Well, that was very nice of you Konrad.

I did have it on the
schedule for tomorrow.

Have I got stuff for you!

Come over here.

You're gonna be the best
dressed kid on this block.

I know a discount store
that is pure heaven.

And this is my favorite.

What do you think of that?

(Berti laughs)

Boy, you're gonna wake 'em
up when you wear that kid.

(upbeat music)


- But, which are my school clothes?

- You're wearing them.

- Well, don't I need a blazer,

and gray pants, and a striped tie?

- Well, you're not going to Oxford yet.

But if that's the kind of outfit you want,

I'll get you one just as soon

as my next check comes in, okay.

- Well that's all right, I can wear this.

- You look fantastic!

You're the superest
looking kid I've ever seen.

Ooh, the ice cream, it's melting.

- Ice cream?

(kids shouting)

- No thank you.

Aren't children supposed to
eat ice cream in the summer

and after they finished their dinners?

- Mm-mm.

Ice cream's a year around food.

Don't worry so much about what
people are supposed to do.

You just know what's right for you.

- But I have to live by rules.

- Oh rules, schmules.

Loosen up Konrad, loosen up.

- Can I do the dishes
and the pots and pans?

- I still have some clean ones.

- Can I take out the
garbage and mop the floor?

- For crying out loud, Konrad,

I'm on top of it, okay?

I'm on top of it!

- It's just that an eight year old

is this supposed to help in the routine

maintenance of the living quarters.

- Look, there's no routine here.

This is a low maintenance apartment.

The lower, the better.

Supposed to do, supposed to do that.

You sound like a child union organizer.

I'll tell you what an eight
year old's supposed to do,

an eight year old supposed
to play with toys.

(toys whirring)

- Children are supposed
to have a recreation area.

Either a room or a corner someplace.

Which room have you
designated for recreation?

- Anywhere you want Konrad.

I've designated this whole room
as a recreation area, okay?

- Thank you.

I'll just go read this book.

(dog barking)
(bell ringing)

- Oh, I'll get the door.

- [Thomas] Berti.

- Oh, Mr. Thomas, you
were right about Konrad.

He is not only a mistake, he's a fusspot.

Everything I do for him is wrong.

- Berti, I have been to the library,

I have done some research.

This is historic, a
scientific breakthrough.

If this child is what he says he is,

all the rules of human
reproduction will change.

- All the rules?

- I just have to ask him a few questions

to nail things down.

- Konrad, Mr. Thomas would like to

ask you a few questions, okay?

- Just a little background info.

Are there any others like you?

- Yes sir.

- Girls as well as boys?

- Yes sir.

- How many?

- That's confidential.

- When the stork brought you, as it were,

where did he bring you from?

- The stork didn't bring me.

- Oh, let me rephrase.

Had the stork carried your can,

where would he have carried your can from?

- The factory.

- And where is that exactly?

The address.

I'd like to get a brochure?

- I don't know.

I was scrunched up in a container
when they brought me here.

I have an 800 number to call.

But I'll honor my honor
now to give it to anyone

or tell about what goes on in the factory.

I was taught to keep my word.

You wouldn't want me to go
back on my word, would you?

- Me?

Oh no.

Oh no, no.

You're a very honorable young man.

But I really would like
to have that 800 number.

- Please, no more questions
about the factory.

I feel guilty talking about it.

Like I'm breaking the code of honor.

Like I'm less than perfect.

Any instant child that
doesn't stay perfect

will be recalled forever by the factory.

I like it much better here!

- And that's where you're going to stay!

Konrad, you don't have to be afraid.

You're out of that factory.

You're here with me and here
is where you're going to stay.

Tell him Mr. Thomas,
tell him that he doesn't

have to go back to that factory.

- Back to the factory.

Well, I...

Of course not.

Of course not.

No, if anyone tries to take
you back to that factory,

they're going to have to get by me first.

(slow tense music)

(cameras beeping)

- [Man] Bob blue van to factory.

In position to begin surveillance

of the Bartolotti residence.

Unit out.

(tense music)

- Who is this Mr. Thomas?

- Um.

A former fourth oboist for the

Boonsboro Kentucky Symphony.

Owns and operates a music store.

- And what is his relationship
to Mrs. Bartolotti?

As if I can't guess.

- Stop guessing, I don't
want guessing, I want facts!

What's going on here?

- Um.

- So where's the husband?

At a convention?

We haven't even seen him yet.

- The computer rated this an ideal family.

It's looking less ideal by the minute.

I want tighter surveillance.

- [Man] Yes, sir.

(tense music)

- Good men.

(Mr. Thomas laughing)

- Konrad, this is my home.

- It's nice.

- Why thank you sir, very much.

Come in, take off your hat and coat

and stay for a while.

In a minute, I'll make
us some hot chocolate.

(strings strumming)

(Thomas chuckles)

What a wonderful day we've had.

(Thomas chuckles)

- What's this?

- Konrad, didn't they teach
you about music at the factory?

- No sir.

- Well, Konrad, this is a violin.

This is the queen of the orchestra.

Hand me that skinny
thing there on the top.

Yes, that's the bow.

(upbeat string music)

(hammer thudding)
(gentle music)

(upbeat string music)

- I never heard a sound like that before.

- Konrad, you've never heard music before?

- No sir.

- But


Hand me that shiny thing back there?

- How do you make music with this?

- Well Konrad, this is a trumpet,

this is a soprano, the brass.


(upbeat trumpet music)

(slow gentle music)

(upbeat trumpet music)

- I like that sound.

(Thomas laughing)

How do you make music with this?

- Well now Konrad, this might be the very

instrument for you to start off.

And it's harmonic.

It's very easy to play.

You put your mouth on
those holes and you blow.

(harmonica music)

Very good.

Now breathe in.

(harmonica music)

Blow out.

(harmonica music)
Breathe in.

Blow out.

Breathe in, blow out,

breathe in, blow out,

breathe in and you I
will make music together.

You and your Mom and I will be a trio!

(upbeat music)

(bell ringing)

(slow gentle music)

- He's asleep.

We had a wonderful day.

- I have a surprise.

- I love my new bedroom, Mom.


- You're welcome.

- Your Mom is a whiz
with a hammer, isn't she?

(Berti chuckles)

And you young man, are going
to be a fine musician someday.

- I will?

- Yes, I think you could
be second harmonica

with the Boonsboro Symphony.

(Berti chuckles)

- Wow, what a day it's been.

I have a wonderful Mom,
I don't have a Dad,

but I have a great
friend named Mr. Thomas.

- Goodnight Konrad.

- Goodnight Mom.

- Goodnight Konrad.

- Goodnight Mr. Thomas.

- [Berti] Sleep tight.

- What a boy.

What a boy.

I wanted to cry when he said
he didn't have a Father.

- I wanted to cry when he said
he had a wonderful Mother.

- When he told me that
I was his great friend,

I almost went to pieces.

He's the ultimate child.

Can you imagine that they're
manufacturing more like him?

What a world this is going to be.

- I'm glad that you liked him.

- Berti, you're going to have
to change your lifestyle.

You're gonna have to,
to clean this place up.

You're gonna have to keep it neat.

You'll have to fix well balanced meals.

You'll have to stay on a schedule.

You have to watch what you
do and watch what you say.

And you're going to have to
dress like a member of society

and not some traveling circus performer.

You want him to be proud of you.

- My son will be proud
of me no matter what.

How dare you?

- Well, (clears throat)

I'm getting very fond of him.

I think he needs a Father.

- Oh, he has a Father.

Konrad Augustus Bartolotti,

the wild man of the Himalayas.

It says so right on his birth certificate.

Poor kid.

- Then will you contact him

and ask him to return and raise his son?

- He's been gone for 10 years.

You want me to tell him to come home

and raise an eight year old kid?

He can stay in the Himalayas

with the abominable
snowman for all I care.

No, I don't want him back.

Well, will the bank give me a loan

or would they hold those
delinquent payments

on a repossessed car against me?

- Forget the bank.

We can't have anyone
prying into your situation.

It's hot.

I mean, you don't want to lose Konrad

if factory thinks he
doesn't have a Father.

He's not being raised properly.

You madam are a fabulous rug maker.

If you could get yourself organized

and be more productive, you
could make very good money.

- Oh, you're just fool
enough to think that.

But maybe I could take on more work

or put some pieces in the crafts fair.

- Konrad.

Konrad oh Konrad.

I would give anything to be his Father.

- How much anything?

- Whatever it might take.

- Well, maybe we could work something out.

- Like what?

- Like pretending we were
married, but separated.

I would live where I live

and you would live where you live.

- Where does Konrad live?

- He would live with me.

- But, but, I could contribute
instant child support.

Just enough for him,

on a weekly or a monthly basis.

- For how long?

- Til he's 35, I don't know.

- Then you would have
the visitation rights

of a separated parent,

and you could visit
him every other Sunday.

- Every Sunday.

- Agreed.

- And Saturdays.

- Every other.

- Every.

- Agreed.

- And some evenings during the week.

Just for educational purposes.

- But not to exceed three evenings a week,

except by mutual consent.

- Agreed.


Payment in advance.

Here's a 20.

And when do we make music together?

- What evenings do you have open?

- Tuesdays and Fridays.

- Agreed.

(slow gentle music)

(light gentle music)

(kids shouting)

(bell ringing)

- [Kitty] Oh, hi, Mrs. Bartolotti.

- Well, hello Kitty.

- Hi, Mr. Thomas.

- Hi kitty.

Do you run things here as well?

- I'm trying to.

I just have the daily
attendance for Mrs. Prey.

Do you know where she is?

- She said she'd be back in just a minute.

We're here for an appointment.

- Who's this?

- This is my son, Konrad.

Konrad, this is Kitty, she
lives in our neighborhood.

- Hello Kitty.

- Hello Konrad.

You never said you had a son.

- Well, he's been away at
a private fact, Academy,

but he's transferring here today.

- What grade are you in?

- The third grade.

- I'm in that grade too.

I hope you'll be in three A.

He looks a lot like you.

- He does?

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Prey.

Here's the day's attendance.

- Thank you, Kitty.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- [Prey] Which primary school
was Konrad transferring from?

- The primary school of Zaire.

- Zy what?

Oh, you mean the expensive one?

- Well, this is a very impressive report.

It says that you've completed second grade

and that you're a straight A student.

- Yes ma'am.

- Yes ma'am.

- Well Konrad, it's a pleasure
to welcome you to our school.

I'm sure your presence will help

raise our scholastic rating.

We'll start him in three A,

if that's all right with
you Mrs. Bartolotti?

- Oh, oh that's fine with me.

- [Prey] And if it's all
right with you Mr. Bartolotti.

- No, I'm not Mr. Bartolotti.

I'm pleased.

- Good.

Come right this way then.

- You're gonna be in Kitty's room.

Isn't that wonderful?

(kids chattering)

- Where is the teacher?

- We fired her.

- She was too dumb for us.

- What?

- So, who are you?

- [Kitty] He's new.

Hello Konrad.

- Hi Kitty.

- We don't need any new kids.

We got too many already.

- We want some old kids.

- Don't pay any attention to them, Konrad.

Ms. Stone will be right back

to give you your seat assignment.

- Hey Frank, give Konrad
his seating assignment.

- How's this Konrad?

- I wouldn't be able to
see the teacher from there.

- Hey Frank, give him a better seat.

- You can see everything from here Konrad.

Now class, you all fail you dummies!

(everyone laughing)

- Frank.

- Oh hello Ms. Stone.

- Frank, come over here.

What were you doing in my chair, Frank?

- I was,

I was wondering what it
was like to be a teacher.

(Ms. Stone chuckles)

- And this chair?

What's it doing up in front?

- That chair?

- This chair.

- Oh, that chair, yeah.

Wasn't it always there?

- Perhaps if you sit in
it for the next hour,

it will refresh your memory

whether or not it was always there.

(kids laughing)

Young man, who are you?

- My name is Konrad Bartolotti.

I'm a new student.

- Oh, I've just heard about you,

you have a perfect record.

I was beginning to think
I'd never see one of those.

Take a seat.

The one Frank used to use.

(Frank blows raspberry)

(kids laughing)


- Thank you Ms. Stone.

(slow gentle music)

- [Man] Woman and dog
now entering residence.

- [Woman] I've never been
in a rug factory before.

- Oh, it's a regular rug o'rama.

And now this is my favorite.

- Does it have a title?

- Ah, yes, it's called for-sale.

Actually you can name it what
you want when you get it home.

Shall I wrap it?

- I wouldn't know what to name it.

- Well, how does this strike you?

- It's too,

too purple.

I want something unique.

Something you wouldn't see everywhere.

Well, listen, I could
design something for you.

Anything you want.

What room will it be used in?

- The den.
- The den.

- [Woman] It's for Alfred.

He'll be sleeping on it.

It'll be Alfred's rug.

- It'll be Alfred's rug.

I think I know exactly what you want.

I envision shocking a pink
Yorkshire terrier in the center

with cranberry red fire
hydrants on each corner.

Just think of that,
Alfred will be ecstatic.

- I don't know.

- Or I could do ya a sunset over Fujiyama.

- No.
- How 'bout a bullfighter?

- [Woman] No, I don't think-

- I could add a bull charging
straight for the Matadors-

- I don't want a violent rug.

- Oh, why don't you
just put down AstroTurf!

(Alfred whimpers)

Listen, I just, I just remembered.

I have just the thing for you.

This rug has neutral colors.

It will work in any room.

You can put it anywhere.

I think that's a safe bet.

- I think Alfred will
blend in quite nicely.

Thank you very much.

- You're very welcome.

Pleasant dreams Alfred.

(slow gentle music)


gray pants,

and a striped tie.

- Here they come.

- [Kitty] It's really a good school.

- I know.

I'll be okay once I've adjusted to it.

It's just it wasn't what I expected.

- What did you expect?

- Well, I expect everybody to be serious,

and very interested in their
work, and very intelligent.

- Forget it.

- Well, if it isn't Bartolotti the nerd.

Yeah, Bartolotti's a nerd.

- Is that good?

- No.

- Bartolotti got you in trouble today.

He's a meathead.

- You got Frank into trouble.

- Bartolotti's a meathead.

- Yeah, you're a meathead.

- Is that good?

- It's worse than nerd.

- Hey Frank, show Konrad what happens

to meatheads who make trouble?

- Don't do that!

- He hit you, hit him back!

- Hit me back?

- I wasn't trained to hit people.

(boys laughing)

- The yellow belly
chicken's scared of you.

- Yeah, the yellow belly
cream puff is scared of me.

- Hit him again.

- Stop it!

(Frank screams)

- Now all you're doing
is fighting for him!

What is he, your new boyfriend?

(dog barking)

- Why did they do that?

- They're just jealous of you.

I guess I wasn't taught
about the way people behave.

- Who didn't teach you?

- My instructor.

Where I was trained.

Nothing's going according to plan,

but I guess that's life.

- I'd be happy to teach
you anything I can.

Just ask.

- For dinner we have tuna
mix, slightly leftover,

and bread, very leftover,

and licorice sticks, fresh.

- Anything you say.

Is it right for a girl to protect a boy?

- Makes no difference
who does the protecting,

as long as the person who
needs the protection gets it.

- But what will people say?

- Nevermind what people say,

or you'll ended up being just like 'em.

You just be yourself.

- Sounds like good advice.

By the way, Kitty's my girlfriend.

- Slow down the relationship a little bit.

(bell ringing)

- I'll get it.

- Hi Konrad!

- Hi Mr. Thomas!

- [Berti] Well hello Mr. Thomas.

- Got some goodies.

- What is all that?

- What's that?

- It has a French name.

- Le garbage?

Come on Berti, get with it.

Fresh vegetables, fruit,

dairy products, poultry,

grains, meat,

protein, carbohydrates,

calcium, iron.

Nutrition, are these foreign words to you?

- Yes!

- Did something die in here?

- You will if you don't
stay out of my business.

- Well Konrad is my business.

I'm his semi, foster,

adoptive part Father.

- And I'm his official Mother.

It says so on his phony birth certificate.

- Berti, you've always been a free spirit,

but you see you're into something just

a little bit different here.

Now, the tuna mix,

see, no tuna fish would
be caught dead in that,

or alive for that matter.

Now until you get yourself organized,

I like to suggest that
you let me plan the menus.

- I have told you that I am organized!

I have my own system!

- Mom, Mr. Thomas, don't
crawl in front of me.

- Konrad, now look, just tell us honestly,

do you prefer tuna mixed
with licorice sticks?

- Or calcium with raw bran?

- Well, they both sound good to me.

I'm confused.

I don't know which I'd prefer.

- Well, Konrad, whether it's health food,

or junk food, or anything else in life,

when in doubt, just go with your feelings.

- My feelings?

I wasn't trained to feel,

but I think I know what you mean.

I do feel like we're getting somewhere.

Getting to be a sort of a family.

(slow gentle music)

(kids shouting)
(piano music)

- Stop going so fast!

Come on!

- Tony, catch!

(glass shatters)

- The window!

Who broke it?

- Wasn't it always broken?

- I want the person who broke it

to be honorable enough to admit it.

I left this class on it's honor.

Apparently nobody in it has any honor.

I will punish the entire class.

(kids groan)
Don't groan,

it's your own fault!

Doesn't anyone have honor enough

to save this class from punishment?

- It was Annette.

- [Kids] Boo!

- Stoolie, you ratted on Annette.

- Why did you squeal on her?

- Well, I thought I was
saving the whole class.

The teacher said we were on our honor.

And I was taught to
always do the right thing,

no matter what.

- Who trained you to be such a dork?

Your Mom's such a fun person.

She doesn't seem that strict.

Was it your Father?

- Not exactly.

- The school in Africa?

- No.

So, how'd you get this way?

- If I tell you something, Kitty,

will you promise never, ever,
ever to repeat it to anybody?

Not even your parents.

- Yes, I promise.

- The reason I'm this way is 'cause I'm,

I'm factory trained.

- Factory trained?

What's that supposed to mean?

- [Konrad] Well, I was
born and I was raised.

Actually I was made in a factory.

- [Kitty] How were you trained?

You were delivered in a can?

Instant Child!

- The point of being an Instant Child is

you don't have to go through
all that poo-poo stuff.

Teething, crying, falling
down and being dumb,

and all those other things
people laugh at and call cute.

I can be perfect.

- So, are you a robot or human being?

- I'm a human being, of course.

You will keep my secret won't you?

If you don't, I'll get
into a lot of trouble.

- Of course I'm gonna keep your secret,

but you've got to stop
trying to act so perfect

and be like a human being.

You've got to feel things.

The real world is
different than the factory.

You'll have to change a little bit.

I'll help you.

(cameras beeping)

- [Berti] Woo-hoo!

- Hi Mom!
- Hi kids!

- [Kitty] Hi Mrs. Bartolotti.

- Hi Kitty, how was school today?

- Okay.

- Good.

- Bye Kitty, see you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Bye darling!

- See you tomorrow, Konrad!
- Bye-bye.

- [Berti] Guess what's for dinner?

- [Konrad] What?

- [Berti] Toasted
marshmallows and hot dogs.

(slow gentle music)

- [Konrad] You don't have to go through

all that poo-poo stuff.

Teething, and crying, and falling down,

and being dumb and all those other things

people laugh at and call cute.

I can be perfect!

- [Kitty] So are you a robot or a human?

- Human of course.

You'll keep my secret, won't you?

- And I was able to hear her tell him

to stop trying to be perfect,

and he'd have to change.

- The girl is a menace.

- Worse than that, she's the
kind they end up marrying.

- That'll be all, Jim.

The entire project's in jeopardy.

They're trying to make him
just like anybody else.

Everything's falling apart.

Where is our ideal family?

There's no Father.

The Mother is a slot
pot and she can't cook,

she can't keep house for crying out loud!

She is a horrific

influence on him.
(machine beeping)

His entire environment is disintegrating!

We were so careful to
choose the right one.




- Oh, there's been a terrible mistake!

Konrad's been sent to
the wrong environment.

The computer has pinpointed it!

Mrs. Bartolotti sent in a
dollar several years ago

for a shampoo, Instant Headset,

for people with forgetful scalps.

The one we ceased production of.

We never refunded her dollar,

the order remained on the books

and somehow got to the
head of the priority list.

- You mean for a lousy dollar

we blew an expensive, important
project like this one?

- Okay, now I want this to be just right.

So you mix that batch
and I'll mix this one.

- This is a beautiful color.

- Looks great on you.

- What?

My clothes, it's all over my clothes!

I'm sorry, I'll wash it off right away!

- Oh, don't worry about it.

Besides, it won't wash
out, it's permanent.

- My clothes, they're ruined forever.

- Oh, forget about it.

- But I made a mistake, a costly mistake.

I'm not supposed to make mistakes.

I'm supposed to be careful and
always do things perfectly.

I wasn't careful.

- Yes you were Konrad.

You didn't make a mistake,

you had an accident.

Look at all the accidents I've had.

Sometimes I splatter myself like this.

- Watch it!
(Berti laughs)

- Sometimes like this.

- Don't, you're ruining your clothes.

- Konrad, this is not a Greek tragedy.

These are only clothes,
they're replaceable.

- But it's a waste of money.

I feel guilty doing it.

I feel imperfect.

- Oh, cheer up Konrad.

Now, we are going to make this accident

into something positive.

- How?

- From now on that's your
official dye mixing outfit.

Whenever you help me mix dyes,

those are the clothes you will wear,

that way nothing is wasted.

It's like having a new outfit.

- You're right, Mom.

- So, you don't have to worry

if you spill something on 'em.

- Mom!

- Konrad may have been contaminated.

He must remain perfect.

Recall the product, immediately.

- Yes sir.

- Bring him out of that place

and get them back to the factory!

- Yes, sir.

- This is me when I was one hour old.

- [Konrad] I've never
seen anybody that young.

- Oh, and this is us on my
summer vacation when I was five.

Look at my Dad, he's fixing a flat tire.

Oh, and here's me on my
third birthday party.

Look at the cake on my face.

Oh, and this is my favorite picture.

- Mom, look at Kitty with Santa Claus.

- Well, isn't that cute?

- You sure have wonderful memories.

I don't have anything much to remember,

except the factory, and then being here.

- Excuse me a minute.
(dog barking)

- [Kitty] And this is me
with my first bicycle.

- Okay kids, look at me!

(camera shutters)

Instant memories to start your new life.

- I've never seen a picture of me before.

(Berti laughs)

(slow tense music)

(bells ringing)

- Who could that be?


- Messenger service.

Sign here please.

- Any postage due?

- Prepaid!

- Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.

"Any postage due?"

"Any postage?"

- Who would send me a letter by messenger?

- The factory, it's from the factory.

- And here's my grandfather.

- Oh.

Oh no.



Oh, so that's what happened to that

memory shampoo I ordered.

I hope they send my dollar back.

- Is that all it said?

- Oh, just about.

No, Konrad.

Don't dig through the garbage,

there are germs in there!

- I have to read anything
that comes from the factory.

- [Kitty] What's the matter, Konrad?

It says that I was sent
to a substandard family.

- How dare they called me substandard.

- They recalling me.

- They can't do that.

Instant Children remain the property

of the manufacturer
throughout their lives,

and are leased to the
parents on the same principle

as a renting of a telephone.

They can do it!

You won't let them take him, will you?

- Are you kidding?

This is the best deal I
ever got for a dollar.

- How do you feel about going back?

- Well I got my Mom and Mr. Thomas,

if I went back to the factory,

I'd never see Kitty again.

(solemn music)

I feel I wanna stay.

But I can't do anything
against the factory's orders.

- You don't have to, we'll do it for ya.

- But they'll be coming
here to pick me up.

They may even be outside watching.

Please don't tell me
what you're going to do.

It's wrong for me to know.

- All right.

You go into the other room.

Come here Kitty, I'll tell
you what we're gonna do.

(upbeat music)

Okay, hold on Kitty.

Okay, to the right.

- They're walking up
the sidewalk with a rug.


- [Man] Subject just entering
dry cleaners with rug, over.

- How much to clean this rug?

It's only gonna be walked on again.

- 50 cents a square foot.

- My goodness, but that's expensive.

I think I'll wait until the
dirt's a little more embedded.

Come on, sweetie, let's
take it home again.

We'll take the shortcut.

(trombone music)

- He has a very good lip.

Wonderful wind.

(door buzzes)

Excuse me, that must my ukulele shipment.

(door knocking)


- Close the door, close the door.

- What is this?

- Oh, this is best hiding
place I could think of.

- Well why do you have to hide a rug?

- Not the rug, Konrad.

- Hi Mr. Thomas.

- Berti-

- The factory got wise,
they want Konrad back.

(Mr. Thomas sighs)

- They're not going to
break up this family.

Konrad, come on.

Berti, take him up to my apartment.

- Yeah.

- I'll be there in just a minute.

- [Berti] This way guys.

- Van to base.

Subjects still in the dry cleaners.

- I think it's dirty enough now.

- Are you sure?

- [Both] Yes, we're sure.

(tense music)

(engine turns)

(suspenseful music)

(bells ringing)

- Why you again.

Making another delivery?

What's in there this time, a set of twins?

- I've come to pick up that
wrong delivery you had,

you know what I mean when
I say wrong delivery?

- Yes.

Well, you just missed that wrong delivery.

It ran away.

- The party we are referring
to does not run away.

The party I'm referring
to has been recalled!

Surrender him immediately
and forthwith, in return,

the company has authorized
me to substitute

a lifetime supply of Instant Headset!

The shampoo memory booster
that never lets you forget.

A fresh batch has been made
up, especially for you.

Do have oily or dry hair?

- The longer I listen to
you the dryer it gets.

There is nothing on this
earth you could give me

that would substitute for Konrad!

Do you get that picture?

- Madam, you have illegal
possession of our property!

You'll hear from us again.

If you should choose to change
your unreasonable attitude

and become more accommodating,

I'll give you our special 800 number

which you can call 24 hours a day,

seven days a week, Christmas
and New Years, except-


How dare you!

How dare you!

- Go back to that factory

and don't come back!

- [Monford] Forget that 800 number,

Konrad's contract has been...

- Oh!

(steady tempo)

- A little faster?

- Yeah.

- Two, two, two, two.

(upbeat music)

(door buzzing)

I wonder who that could be?

You'd better hide.

(door knocking)

Who is it?

- [Berti] No names!

- Berti.
- It's me.

- [Thomas] Berti, did they follow you?

- No, I outfoxed 'em.

- You know it's very dangerous.

- Oh, I wanna see Konrad.

- [Thomas] Yeah, okay.

- I've got something to tell you too.

Oh, the craziest things have
been going on around here.

- Berti.
- Where is he?

- Berti.
- Where is he?

- [Thomas] Berti, he's hiding.

- [Berti] Oh, he is.

- Hi Mom.

- Oh.

Hi love.

I'm so glad to see you.

A lot of people have been
inquiring about Konrad,

if you know what I mean?

- All right, Berti,

then I think that perhaps we should

skip town for a few days.

I'll make the arrangements tomorrow.

- Thank you Mr. Thomas.

- And when I call you, why don't you just

come over here as quickly as you can.

Don't pack anything,

just wear whatever you've got on.

- Oh, I understand.

- Do you wanna hear the
song Mr. Thomas taught me?

- I certainly would.

- Well, turn it up.

There you go.
(steady tempo)

Now, Konrad, you count off.

- All right.

And two, one, two, one.

(upbeat music)

(tense music)

- Coochy, coochy, coochy-coo.

Coochy, coochy, coochy-coo.

- Just look at the way he smiles at us.

- It's gas.

- Instant Children don't have gas.

- I really like this little guy.

You think Dr. Monford
would sell him to me?

- You're unfit.

- So what?

- You're the Bartolotti type.

Now I'm fit, I'd like to get one.

- Hey, I can get you an
employee discount on one.

- Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we all chip in and get one?

- Kids don't have three Fathers.

- But a kid can have three Uncles.

- What would we do with him?

- Put him in an apartment.

Teach him to be a good security guard.

- It was an outrage!

- It was outrageous, that's what it was.

- You there, attention!

- Good afternoon Dr. Monford.

- Doctor's been outraged.

- Oh no.
- Oh yes!

- Oh yes?
- Oh gosh!

- [Monford] I need to sit down.

- Sit here.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Men, the Bartolotti situation
has reached the crisis stage.

- So did you bring Konrad back?

- Do you see Konrad around anywhere?

Do you see him hopscotching
around anywhere?

- He's nowhere inside Dr. Monford.

- Very observant, give
this man a promotion.

- What happened Dr. Monford?

- Mrs. Bartolotti dumped a can on my head.

- She canned him.

- Don't say it like that!

- She insulted the doctor.

- Why she insulted the
entire Instant Child program.

- I take it personally.

- I told you to let
these bozos pick him up.

- I was trying to be nice,

but this is the time for not nice!

So this is a mission
for the not nice team!

- Just leave it to us, sir.

Need I say more?

- Yes.

How do you plan to reacquire Konrad?

- Plan A is your basic frontal assault.

When she sees the wall
of muscle we present,

she should faint.

- If that doesn't work?

- Well then we'd implement Plan B.

- Which is?

- Your basic kick in the door.

Lots of noise, lots of splinters.

We'll get the kid back.

- We're at war.

Take care of yourselves men.

This is a dangerous woman.

She's the sworn enemy of perfection.

She'll stop at nothing to make
an average child of Konrad.

We have perfection on our side.

What is the motto?

- [Men] If it isn't perfect, it isn't us.

- You forgot the salute!


- [Men] If it isn't perfect, it isn't us!

- Inspiring!


And may perfection go with you.

- Dr. Monford, I'd like to make
a deal on an Instant Child.

- This is uncomfortable.

I don't ever want to sit in that chair.

(tense music)

- [Men] If it isn't perfect, it isn't us!

If it isn't perfect, it isn't us!

If it isn't perfect, it isn't us!

(door knocking)

- Okay, open up Mrs.Lardbody.

(door knocking)

- Please, Mrs. Hardbody.

- Let's kick it in.

- Please Mrs. Bartolotti,
did I pronounce it right?

- [Berti] Bartolotti.

- Lotaberti?

- [Berti] Bartolotti, Bartolotti!

- Let's trash the door!

- [Berti] You just try it!

- Did she say fry it?

- I think so.

- Get the flame thrower.

- Hold it, hold it.

Can't take a chance if Konrad's in there.

Let's implement Plan B.

(tense music)
(chimes chiming)

(tense perky music)

- Okay, now you fellas stay calm now

until Mama can get you
put into something else.

You're going on a little trip.

Come on now, come on.

Come on babies.

(door thuds)

Well, is this Plan B?

- Yes Ma'am.

- I liked Plan A better.

- This kitchen is the pits.

- My wife would scream.

- Do people actually eat in it?

- Let's torch it.

- Before I throw you out, who are you?

- Factory security, Mrs. Bartolotti.

- Well, who's watching the factory

while you're tracking up my kitchen?

- The factory's secure.

This is a special covert operation.

Find Konrad, secure the front door,

he might be trying to make a break for it.

Search! Search!

- Search and destroy?

- Just search.

(tense music)

Don't move.

Going somewhere Mrs. Bartolotti?

- He's not in the bedroom.

The bed's not made.

- The subject's not here.

- We don't know where you've hidden him,

but we're gonna find him.

Thank you for cooperation.

Let's go.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- Berti, everything is arranged,

come here now.

- I'm on my way.

(slow quirky music)

- [Man] Van to factory.

Strange man leaving the
Bartolotti residence.

Should we follow, over?

(door knocking)

- Hold this?

- I'm sorry sir, we don't repair goldfish.



Berti, what is all this stuff?

- It's just some basics.

It's some things that we're gonna

need for our trip.
- Berti, I told you

- not to bring anything.
- I didn't bring, dear.

- [Thomas] Customers.

I'll have to get rid of them.

Why did you bring goldfish?

- There's no one to feed them.

Who's gonna feed these little things?

We have to take 'em.

I had to bring things that
we needed for the trip,

and I just couldn't leave without my fish.

- Who's first?

- Let's get 'em.

- Get Konrad.

(Berti whimpers)

- Konrad, Konrad, Konrad,
wonderful to see you again.

- Hi Dr. Monford.

- We've been monitoring you Konrad.

You've done well.

We're proud of you.

As proud as we can be
under the circumstances.

Sit down Konrad.

No, no, sit over there!

- He can sit where he wants to sit,

and this is where he wants to sit!

I've seen you before.

- I'm Al Monford, I'm the
managing director of the factory,

I'm also the inventor of Instant Child.

I think our little problem is gonna

be resolved rather quickly

and to everyone's satisfaction.

First of all, the factory wants to concede

it made a mistake.

- There was no mistake!

I'm his Mother, he's my
son and up your nose!

- Diplomacy.

- The factory would also
like to reimburse you

for any of your cash expenditures.

And of course for your time and trouble.

- He's not for sale.

No he's not, he can't be bought again.

He's a human being.

He's not one of your
jars of wrinkle remover.

- Let me just, let me just clarify.

You don't own him!

He's our property,

under lease to you!

When you signed for that delivery

you agreed to abide by all the
conditions of the contract.

- You signed it Berti.

- But I didn't know that-

- This form releases
all interest in Konrad,

past, present, and future!

Sign it, please?

- Never!

- Why?

Konrad's nothing to you!

You've only known him for
a little over a month.

You've just brainwashed yourself

into believing you're his mother!

- Oh, listen instant head!

How long does it take to
know that you love someone?

A year, a week, a month, a day,

or an instant?

I love Konrad.

He's the most worthwhile thing
that ever happened to me.

Until I met him, I was just
slogging through this life,

but he's given me a
different slant on things.

Why he's probably more helped
to me than I am to him.

- There's too, too much truth in that.

You're an unfit mother.

Your relationship with
Konrad will cease forthwith!

- No!

- Konrad, how dare you
speak to me like that!

- I wanna stay with my Mother!

- An Instant Child
never speaks contrarily.

Take him back to the
factory for reevaluation!

- Don't anyone touch him!
- No, no, no!

- [Thomas] You're in my apartment

and I think we should just sit down calmly

and discuss this like
rational human beings.

- Run baby, come on run.
(tense music)

Run! Run!

- Mommy!
- Konrad!

- Mommy!
- No!

- [Berti] Don't put him in that can!

No, Konrad, no!

Let him go!

Let him go!

Konrad! Konrad!
- Oh!

- [Berti] Baby!

Oh Konrad, Konrad!

- Berti.

(chimes chiming)

- Looking for your boyfriend,
Konrad the squealer?

- Shh!

Don't let them see you.

- Don't let who see us?

- The factory people.

- What factory people?

- Oh no!

- [Tony] What's that thing?

- [Kitty] It's Konrad, I'm sure of it.

- [Tony] Where?

- In that container.

They're taking him back to the factory.

- What factory?

- Where he was made.

- You better have a talk with your Mother

if you think children
were made in a factory.

- Where are children made?

- Tell you later.

- Come on, everybody in, let's go.

- Konrad's different from us.

- You can say that again.

- They are taking him back to the factory.

Tony go tel Mrs. Bartolotti

they're taking Konrad to the

blue building near the supermarket.

- Do I have to?

- Yes, get going!

- [Tony] Okay.

- Come on, follow me.

- Where?

- Konrad told me where the factory is.

Now come on, let's go!

- I'm tired.

- Come on!

(fast paced music)

- [Man] Van to base,

we're entering the factory compound.

We're bringing Konrad directly

to the Mooka Finger Anxiety Test.

(slow tense music)

- What's 67 times 67?

- 4,489 sir.

- What is the status of Santa Claus?

- Negative status, sir.

- Define perfect.

- The state of being
complete without fault, sir.

- Define perfection.

- The state of being perfect, sir.

- Define perfectionism.

- The belief that
perfection can be achieved.

- Define perfectionist.

- One who believes in perfection, sir.

- Do you believe in perfection?

- Yes, sir.

- Are you perfect?

- I,


(alarm beeping)


(heavy breathing)

I don't...

(machines winding down)

- Oh I can't believe that Konrad broke

the Mooka Finger Anxiety monitor.

- He's a tough cookie.

- Do you know what kind
of anxiety it takes

to break a Mooka Finger monitor?

- I don't know, a lot?

Some, I'm not into anxiety.

- Instant children are supposed
to be devoid of anxiety!

- Well, you have enough for all of them.

- You know what it was that,

you know what it was
that caused the blowout?

- I'm dying to know.

- Konrad could not say

that he was perfect.

I'm so depressed.

Could I sit in my chair?

- The computer has finally spit out

Konrad's intended parents

and I have issued them a refund check.

Would you care to sign it?

- No, I don't want to sign it.

I don't like refund checks.

I don't like refund anythings.

- Maybe we should stick them with Konrad?

Let's ship him.

- People don't get stuck
with Instant Children!

Perhaps we could recycle him.

Perhaps in the proper environment,

he could rise above this mediocrity.

I'll tell you what, tear up the check,

call the parents, tell them to
come and pick up their child.

Don't tell him he's been recycled!

And get me Konrad's investigation reports,

and send him in to see me.

- May I you a question?

- Yeah.

- How do you like my hair?

- I liked it blonde.

(slow quirky music)

- [Intercom] The mathematics
class will be expanded

to three hours per day.

Arithmetic is perfection.

- Who are those kids?

- They must be the Instant Children.

- That's what Konrad is?

- Yeah.

- No wonder he's such a nerd.

- [Intercom] Remember
that you are perfect,

but don't be a snob about it.

- [Kitty] Someone's coming!

- Geez, let's get in here.

- [Kitty] Hurry!

(tense music)

- Well Konrad, I read the report.

Physically, there are no problems,

although it's a wonder to me

you didn't come away from
that woman with malnutrition.

- Mom did the best she could, sir.

- Don't defend her!
(stick thuds)

And don't call her Mom!

She's not your Mother anymore.

It's actually her fault you're back here.

- But sir, it was the factory
that made the mistake.

The blame must be shared.

- Are you arguing with me?

Is he arguing with me?

- Sounds argumentative to me.

- But sir, an Instant Child
must be fair at all times.

- Don't throw my own
words back in my face!

That woman is an unfit Mother!

- But sir, fit or unfit,

I learned that the love she gave me

made up for a lot of things.

- Now he's telling me about love.

- Like he's a love expert.

- The parents who paid for
you are coming to pick you up.

You will love them instantly!

- Yes, sir.

(solemn music)

(tense music)

- We'll never get away with this.

They'll catch me and
make me an Instant Child.

- You should be so lucky.

Come on.

- [Intercom] Attention, we have decided

to cancel Halloween indefinitely.

Dr. Monford will lecture
on the evils of candy,

cake, and ice cream.

Stale cookies will be served afterward.

Attention, all Instant
Children will report

to the lecture hall immediately
for special assembly.

- Wait!


You, come over here.

Come here!

Oh for heaven sake, what happened to you?

- Huh?

- You're the worst looking
Instant Child I ever saw.

Who would want anything like you?

I think I'll have to call
quality control about you.

What's 100 times 100?

- Um.

Oh gosh.

- Just what I was afraid of.

Your genetic structure was
breaking down completely.

We may have to scrap you.

(Frank whimpers)

Well, I don't want to discuss this?

Go directly to lecture hall.

We're having Konrad discuss
his recent experiences.

You shouldn't miss it.

- We won't miss it Dr. Monford.

Thank you.


- Yes, you go right in.

- Thank you very much.

- Yes, can I help you sir?

- Yes, we're here to see Dr. Monford.

- Do you have an appointment?

- Yes.
- No.

- [Clerk] May I have your name please?

- Her name is Bartolotti.

- My dear Instant Children, sit up!

The first of your own kind
has come back to us today

with some chilling stories
of the outside world.

Stories that may be useful to
you, when you venture forth.

And now our own Konrad.

- Dr. Monford, fellow Instant Children,

I've had some confusing
stories in the outside world

that could happen to any one of you.

As carefully as we planned,

some things went wrong.

First of all, it is very,
very hard to be perfect-

- But not impossible.

- But not


- Yes.

I'm sorry, Dr. Monford's busy.

You have to come back.

- Listen, flunky, my kid is in there.

So you open up that door!

- Are you threatening me Ma'am?

- No, but I'm threatening that door!

- Open the door.

- I can also report our
educational process here

is so secure, I immediately became

top student in every category.

You won't believe the way children

in the outside world behave in school.

- Which is our perfect son?

- Oh, that's him, Konrad.

Up there on the platform making a speech.

- But our son is supposed
to be named Roderick Junior.

- Oh, well he is, he is.

Konrad is his code name.

- If they ruin their
clothes, they don't worry,

they believe that
everything can be replaced.

And I still love my Mom
and Mr. Thomas and others.

- That's nice.

He's talking about me, isn't he?

- Oh definitely.


- Mr. Thomas?

Mr. Thomas, is that my code name?

- Right, now you're
getting the hang of it.

- [Konrad] They just say "So what?"

and start again.

- Perhaps you would
like to see the kitchen?

- Oh, we don't wanna see the kitchen.

We want to see our son.

- I had a girlfriend, her name was Kitty,

she was beautiful.

She's the best friend anybody could have.

She walked to and from school with me,

and she was always defending me.

I'm really gonna miss her.

And I have to tell you about Frank.

He was always punching
me and making faces at me

and calling me names,

doing everything to get me into trouble.

He was the funniest person I ever met.

I always kept trying not to laugh.

Frank tried to act like a toughy,

but he really had a soft heart.

I know we would've been best friends

and buddies for the rest of our lives.

(Frank chuckles)

- I'll have that odd Instant Child

removed from the room
if he can't be quiet!

What's the matter, Konrad?

- Nothing, Dr. Monford.

- Is that the truth, Konrad?

I want the truth,

just as you've been trained to tell it.

- Yes sir, it's the truth.

- For the last time, open up this door!

- Look, Konrad's new parents

have already come to pick him up.

I'm going to remove you from the premises.

There is no way you're
getting through that door!

- How ya doing babe.

We're gonna grab a bite to eat.

- Look, will you sign first?

- I don't need to sign out.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

That Bartolotti woman, she
just made an illegal entry!

(alarm blaring)
- [Men] Bartolotti!


- The alarm, security's been breached.

- We must evacuate immediately.

- Instant Children, to the dormitories!

All rise!

Front row to the front,

back rows to the back,

turn left and march!
(tense music)

- [Intercom] Attention,
intruders are in the factory.

Have no fear, they are imperfect.

(fast paced music)

- [Berti] In here.

- What are you doing here?

- We came to get you.

- Yeah, come on.

- [Intercom] Attention intruders,

you are probably lost by now.

Please, stand still so we can find you.

- [Berti] Incubators.

- Berti, this must be the way

that Konrad was made.

- Or cultivated or whatever.

- [Intercom] Attention please,

someone's gonna get fired for this.

- [Berti] In here Mr. Thomas.

What is this place?

This is just-

(Berti screams)

Oh, we're the Instant
Parents Association tour.

Oh poor Konrad, what have
they been doing to him?


Mr. Thomas, what do we do now?

- We...

- Mr. Thomas, what do we do?

- Run, run!
- This way!

(fast paced music)

- [Berti] Come on Mr. Thomas!

Quick, quick!

- Halt, please Mrs. Bartolotti!

- Halt my foot!

You give me back Konrad.

- No, say freeze or there'll
be a hole in the ground

as large as this factory.

- Come on Mr. Thomas.

(fast tense music)

Quick, quick, run!

(Berti screams)
- That Berti Bartolotti!

Get her!

- How do they get in here?

- [Intercom] All Instant Children

will return to their dormitories

until the all clear signal is given.

- How do we get out of here?

- This way.

(alarm blaring)
(fast paced music)

- Oh no, careful!

Don't touch that switch!

You touch that switch
the plant will shut down,

I wouldn't be able to make any

Instant Children for two years!

Will somebody please shut off that alarm!

It's giving me a headache!

(kids grunting)

- Mom!

- Konrad.

- Who's Bartolotti?

- Bring them over here.

I knew that dopey one was a ringer.

- Mom!

- He's calling me.

Here I am Roderick Junior.

- Roderick, little Roderick Junior.

- Who, me?

- Of course you, little Roderick Junior!

Listen to me a minute
little Roderick Junior.

I'm going to introduce you
now to your real parents.

You understand what I mean

when I say real parents?

- Um-

- Yeah, exactly.

Now, on this auspicious occasion,

it gives me pleasure,

it is a privilege to present Cynthia

and Roderick Forsyth, senior.

Forsyth, isn't that a
distinguished name to bear?

Mr. And Mrs. Forsyth, may I
present your own Instant Child.

Your loving son, Roderick Forsyth Junior.


- [Both] Roderick.

- My name is Konrad.

- We can drop the code name now, Roderick.

- But my name is Konrad!

- What kind of flimflam is this?

- This is not a flimflam.

This is a nightmare.

- You're running a bait and switch on us!

- What kind of parents are you anyway?

It can't even recognize your own child!

A sealed cow can recognize her offspring

out of thousands of seals.

- Are you calling my wife a seal or a cow?

- A cow.

- You, you're all whacked out.

You need some heavy duty recycling.

I'm not gonna let someone
like you out on the streets.

- Well, I don't wanna stay here.

I want to go along with my Mother!

- He wants to go home
with this Mom, this Mom.

Doesn't that say something to you?

- He's an imperfect product,

the factory has recalled him.

- I don't care if he's imperfect!

I don't care if he's a factory reject,

I love him and I want him!

- Well, you're more imperfect than he is!

- Oh, so I'm not perfect, are you?

Why should Konrad and all the
Instant Children be perfect?

(slow gentle music)

Dr. Monford, you're probably
the most brilliant man

in the world to have achieved
what you've achieved.

Instant Children for people
who really need and want them.

- Brilliant, thank you, thank you.

- But you have things a little backward.

Most inventors, invent robots
and try to make them human.

The Instant Children are human,

but you're trying to
make them into robots.

Terrified of making a mistake or,

or having any feelings.

- Mom's right!

She taught me I shouldn't
be afraid to make a mistake

and that feelings and learning to love

are more important than
learning to be perfect!

I love her, and I'll always love her!

- Roderick Junior, or Konrad I mean,

is absolutely wonderful.

- He's everything we ever dreamed of.

He's perfect!

- [Wife] He's exactly what we want.

- Oh no.

- You mean you want him as he is,

all imperfect and whacked out as he is?

- No, no, no, he belongs with her.

- [Roderick] We want
one identical to Konrad.

- Oh, I don't think I got
one in stock at the moment.

- [Roderick] Him, we'll take him.

- No, uh-uh, I knew it.

- No, no, no, no.

He's not for sale, he's a fraud.

He's real!

- [Instant Children] Take me!

Take me!

Take me!

- Dr. Monford-

- Later, later.

- What about me?

- You?

You're a dud.

You're totally unrecyclable.

Do you know what I mean
when I say unrecyclable?

- That I'm no longer of use
to the Instant Child Project

and she would be removed from it

without incurring further expense?

- You said a mouth full kid.

- So then I can go with my Mother?

- You deserve each other.

(machine whirring)



The catapumpkin affect!

The genetic clusters have
been catapumpkinized!

The whole Instant Child Project,

it's in the mothballs!

(Instant Children cheering)

- Don't worry about it Dr. Monford,

it was an accident.

Accidents are what keep
me from being perfect.

- Oh Konrad.
(slow gentle music)

- You know, we are losing our shirts

on these Instant Children.

- So what do we do boss?

- Cancel dinner.

- What's the matter Mr. Thomas?

- Oh, I'm just feeling a little left out.

- Why Mr. Thomas, you know
you're part of all this.

- Berti, I'm part of your life

and I'm part of Konrad's life.

I'd like to be a whole-

- Konrad,

Mr. Thomas is going to be your new Father.

- I love you son.

- I feel like I never wanna
see another instant brat

as long as I live.

I feel like I've gotta
get into something new,

something, something lunar.

- Oh, come on!

Let's go get hotdogs and hamburgers

and French fries and soda
- Yeah, right!

- [Berti] and ice cream and
candy and cake and just pig out!

- Berti, I don't know-
- All right!

- [Berti] Oh Mr. Thomas!

- All right!

- [Instant Children] Take us!

Take us!

Take us!

- I think I could cover
that many pig outs.

- Mr. Thomas, do you have enough love

in your heart to take care of all of them?

- Oh Berti.

- Oh, come on, what
else have we got to do?

- Alright, come on, come on.

(Instant Children cheering)
Come on, come on,

we'll go pig out!

Come on, we'll go pig out!

(kids cheering)

(upbeat music)

- I'm Al Monford, I'm the
managing director of the factory.

I'm also the inventor of Instant Child.

- There's something about
the way he calls me Mom

that just goes right through me

the way nothing ever has.

- Hi Mom, you did that real well.

- I'm getting very fond of him.

I think he needs a Father.

- Factory security Mrs. Bartolotti.

(fast tense music)