Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996) - full transcript

Hey, show some respect,
you homeless piece of shit!

Okay, I am going to tell you
a story now about how people...

like that sad, pathetic prick
back there, found happiness.

But it is not a happy story, okay?

I mean, why do people think
that life should always be happy?

Because when I was a little boy,
my mother sang me a song.

It went like this.:

Life is short.
Life is shit.

And soon it will be over.

But for you, my friends,
this story is just beginning.

Some days it's dark



Some days I work

I work alone

I walk alone

Unknown

Sweetness

Oh, my God.

Laughter

Or not

Mr. November.

Mr. December.

Hi, kids.
Where's your father?

He's upstairs masturbating
to gay porn.

- Again?
- Yeah.

- Hey, kids.
- Hey, Dad.



I was just taking a shower.
Yep, just had myself a shower.

Shower?

Honey, you're home!

Wally, you're hurting me.

I'm just so glad you're home.

Baby, get in the vehicle.

I'm not getting in that vehicle!

Baby, this is my gift to you.

What? Gift?

It's not a gift.
You freaking stole this.

I stole it to make it up to you.

Then tell me this.

How can you sleep with my best
friend and then tell me about it?

Sure I told you,
but don't shoot the messenger.

You can say good-bye to this!

No, baby.
You know I need that.

Wave bye-bye, baby.
Never any more Romeo.

How about a farewell one, baby?

I'll see ya in my dreams,
you cheating, lying, backstabbing freak!

I'm sorry,
I don't understand German.

I can't go on.
This is bullshit!

Grivo! Grivo!

I think I just may have something.

Easy, easy, Patient 957.

And open.

What will this do?

Well, what it does is...

reaches into your brain,
chemically...

and locates your happiest memory,
chemically.

Then locks on to that emotion
and freezes it, chemically...

and then it keeps your happy happy.

Chris? She's depressed,
not stupid.

Come on, just take it.

All right.

Coming!

- Merry Christmas. Kiss Grandma.
- Presents!

That's all right.

Sorry we were a few hours late.
The kids hate old people.

That's all right as long
as we're all together now.

- Good point. How's your health?
- Good.Just some sciatica.

These action heroes
are from last year, dummy!

I hear Dad's dead.
Is that eggnog?

Yeah. Have yourself a glass.
I gotta check on the bird.

I thought we'd have yams this year.

I got a Butterball.
Last year's was so dry.

They're the best--

Gotta go.
Come on, kids, in the car.

Sorry, Mom, we gotta go.
Hey, you got that gift for my mom?

Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas,
Mother Hurdicure.

- Thanks. I wonder what that is.
- It's a harmonica.

Well, see ya next year.

Oh, that was lovely.

Look, she's smiling.

- She is.
- Oh, my.

Calm down.Just calm down.

Calm down!

How do you feel, Patient 957?

Like a fresh towel drying
on the line on a summer's day.

Oh, I feel like a little worm...

peeking its head out of the ground
after a rainstorm...

and seeing no robin.

I feel like God's rubbing
my tummy!

I haven't felt this happy since
my son came to visit at Christmas.

- This could be it.
- It's a strong ""maybe.''

It could be it.

Jesus Christ!

I think we got it! Yeah!

And who are you?

Just a guy.

We're commencing final approach.

Any clue as to his mood today?

I'm sorry, I can't get a sense
of his mood.

Sock color?

Red socks.

Red socks! Red socks!

Red socks!

Let's keep going.

Let's work together.

Good morning, Don.

Good morning, Don.

Didn't we say good morning
yesterday, Marv?

Yeah, I guess we did, Don.

Don, how did the
board of directors' meeting go?

Can I have the room for a minute?

Everybody out!

My empire is...

crumbling!

Right. Everyone back in.

To answer your question, Natalie...

the board of directors
was a little concerned...

that we didn't have a ""Back to
School'' drug or ""Christmas'' drug.

We didn't have an
""International Women's Day'' drug.

Exactly.

I tried to remind them
that when I invented Stummies...

Yes, Don, thank God that you did.

it took both time and effort.

But unfortunately,
the board takes a narrow view.

And in their own narrow way, they
think the company is losing money.

Which in fact we are,
but I think this is the narrow view.

Damn them, Don!
What the hell do they know?

They're insisting we cut
our research outlay by 60%.

Of course I told them
to fuck off.

Good for you, Don!

But out loud I said I'd consider it.

Exactly the right thing to do--
play with them.

Where are we with that?

With what, Don?

Our restructuring plan.

The thing you just mentioned
just now?

Yeah.

We're on top of that.

Good.

Are we ever gonna get
the big table in here...

or do I have to cut
that fucking tree myself?

I'll get right on that.
Okay, number one.

Open.

No. It's been two weeks,
and I don't feel any different.

All I've done is gain eight pounds.
Now, what's in this?

A little of this
and a little of that. Open.

It's sugar, isn't it?
I'm in the placebo group.

Well, loose lips sink ships.
Open.

No! My face tells me it's sugar.

Thank you.

You're not allowed
to do that to me.

Doctor! Alice!

Just a second, I'm ready--

Oh, yeah!

- How are you feeling, 957?
- Pardon?

How are you feeling,
Mrs. Hurdicure?

Excellent.
Just a little dizzy.

You're not suffering from any
mood swings or bouts of depression?

Oh, no mood swings.
But I'm a little dizzy.

And how's your appetite?

Excellent,
though I am a little dizzy.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Here we go again.

This urine is great!

The liver function test came back
completely clean, totally clean.

I told you!
The goddamn drug works.

Yes, I know the early results
have been...

oh, favorable,
I guess is the word.

- What?
- Come on!

Slow down. Remember we got
lots more testing to do.

Guys, maybe Chris is right.

Dr. Cooper?

Dr. Chris Cooper?

Yes, sir?

Could you spare five minutes,
please?

We're just gonna step upstairs
for a moment, okay, Chris?

The vultures are flying in today.

There's a lot of shit going down.

It's carnage.
They're cuttin' all the fat.

- I heard Don's been shot.
- Don's been shot?

I heard we've been bought out
by the Japanese.

Hey, I just heard
that the Japanese have been shot!

I don't wanna go!
Let me keep my monkeys!

I don't care what happens to me,
but please let me keep my monkeys.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.

This is just an informal chat.

We were wondering what
you were working on in your lab.

I've invented a pill...

that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.

Right, and what's positive
about that?

It's a pill that gives worms
to ex-girlfriends.

Could it also give worms
to ex-boyfriends?

This is a drug for the world...

to give worms to ex-girlfriends!

Well, great.
Thanks for stopping by.

You just don't get it here!

I've been working on a thing.
It's sort of like Stummies.

Go on.
I like what I hear so far.

It's exactly like Stummies.

And the twist is?

It's a much bigger pill.

I like a lot.
Is it ready for production?

Yes, it's ready to go.

Any side effects.

Yes, sir, a few side effects.

That's okay. As long as there
are no ""flipper babies,'' right, Don?

Well, there have been
a few flipper babies.

It was only a couple
of flipper babies!

I'm starting to--

It'd be better if you didn't.

Dr. Cooper, please have a seat.

This is just an informal chat.

Would you like a Stummies?
There's some in front of you.

Thank you very much.

So, how's your family?

I don't really have a family per se.

So what are you working on?

Well, as you know, I am working
on a drug that will cure depression.

Go on.

I really don't have
my notes with me.

Apparently I do have
my notes with me.

The results have been
very positive.

Is it ready?

Oh, um, well--

If it's not ready--

It's not that
it isn't ready, sir.

It's that we have
so much more testing to do.

Dr. Cooper...

is it ready or not?

I got great news!
They're going ahead with the drug!

What?

There are things I have to do.
Lots of things to do.

But you said there was
more testing to do.

Well, people say things.

Hmm, fascinating!

Isn't it early in the research phase
to be releasing a new drug?

Simon, we can't be too
""by the bookie'' about this testing.

That's better.

Besides, Baxter here said the drug
worked, and we all trust Baxter.

- Don't we?
- It's just that--

Alice, are you saying
you don't trust Baxter?

No, I--

- What gives?
- Yeah.

They were gonna close our lab
if we didn't have a drug.

Come on! We might be releasing the
most effective antidepressant ever!

It is a good drug.

Yeah, but--

Yeah!

Come on, let's celebrate!

Who wants another drink?
Chris?

Another drink?
Alice, you're in? Another one?

Baxter? One more.

Chris? Okay.

Wait. Chris, another?

Good. Chris, you're in?

Come on, Alice?

Another drink, right?

- You're not sure?
- Come on.

All right, Alice is having one.
And, Chris?

You're having a drink.
All right.

All right, hang on.
Baxter?

Hey, look!

I am an elephant rider.
Do you like that?

My father suffered from depression.

Chris, I never knew that.

Yep!

Hello, son.

Did you clean the house
while your old man was at work?

Yep!

Good, good.

Did you clean under the fridge?

What about the gun? Did you
give the gun a good cleaning?

- Yep!
- Good boy.

Holy Mother, my foot!

My other foot!

Two hours later,
he hit a vital organ and died.

I never knew that, Chris.

No! This is wrong.

We're scientists.

Excuse me. The bill.

Could you spare five minutes?

Respectfully, shut the fuck up.

You're not a plate of croissants.

No, I'm not.

Then can you get me something to eat
before I chew my fuckin' hand off?

No, no, this is Dr. Chris Cooper.
He's the inventor of the drug.

Thank you for inventing
a marvelous drug.

This is Cisco.
He's head of marketing.

We were having
a little jam session...

and we wondered what
your thoughts were on orange.

For what?

The color of the drug.
Duh!

Well, the actual color of the drug
in its nonsynthesized state...

is kind of a bluish hue.

Great. So orange it is then?

Yeah? Okay.
Yeah, I think that's good.

Could we get back to work?

It's all happening so fast.

Okay, I won't call for a week.

What?

I understand.

Oh, good.

Is something wrong?

Oh, God, are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I needed the exercise.

Dr. Cooper.
Dr. Chris Cooper.

I was actually coming to see you.
Do you remember me?

Of course.
You're 957.

Dr. Cooper, because of you
and your marvelous drug...

I'm out of the old folks home
and on my own again.

I'm even working part-time
as a nude art model.

Oh, I haven't felt this good since
they said, ""It's not malignant.''

God bless you
and your important work.

Bluish hue.

Okay, I was driving around
last night in my $62,000 car...

trying to think of a name for
the drug, and suddenly it hit me.

The name?

No, a bird hit my windshield.

When that happened,
I got depressed.

- Not you, Cisco.
- Yeah, even me.

But as soon as I got depressed,
I got ""undepressed''...

'cause as I was cleaning
the gleaming guts off my windshield...

I thought of the name for the drug--
Gleemonex!

The slogan?

Gleemonex makes you feel
like it's 72 degrees in your head...

all the time.

The drug is approved. Next.

I used to live on the street.

Had cardboard bum
from sleeping on cardboard.

Then Jesus--

I mean Dr. Cooper
gave me his drug.

Now I'm more productive.

I'm a security guard
with a gun.

Hi! Welcome to
the Nina Bedford Show.

I'm Nina Bedford.
Do you like my new outfit?

Happiness.

Can it be bought
in the form of a pill?

On today's Nina Bedford Show
we're talking to Dr. Chris Cooper...

the inventor of
the new wonder drug Gleemonex.

Dr. Cooper, tell us about
this new happy drug.

How does it make people feel?

Well, Nina, what we like to say
around the lab...

is that it makes people
feel like it's...

7 2 degrees in the head
all the time.

We don't say that.

We could start.

Sounds like L.A.

Okay. Questions.

Yes, sir, you.

I want to be a scientist
just like you. What's your advice?

Work hard and stay in school.

Good advice. Anyone else?
Yes, ma'am.

All the way up here.

How big is your house?

Yeah, how big is your house?

Actually I live
in a small apartment.

Next question.
Yes, you, ma'am.

Did anyone ever tell you
that you look like Tom Jones?

We think you do.

Doesn't anyone wanna know
how the drug works chemically?

Stand up and wiggle
your hips for us.

- No, I couldn't.
- Come on!

Ladies, don't you wanna see
him wiggle his hips? I do.

I'm more of a scientist
than a wiggler.

Get up!

He does look like
a young Tom Jones.

When we come back...

we're gonna give Dr. Cooper
a compete makeover.

Chris, wiggle us out!

Soak it up, you ugly sponge.

You go, Dr. Chris!

Did you see that
Nina Bedford Show this morning?

Yeah, that thing
about toast fucking.

Toast fucking?

It's a new thing where you fuck
or get fucked with toast.

The show this morning
was about that new drug.

Must've been a dream I had.

I hope so.

Pitter patter, let's get at her.

Hang on a second.
I gotta drain the snake.

Drain the snake.

Lights off, asshole.

Cop! Run!

Freeze!

I'm your nightmare, mister!
Freeze!

Freeze!

I got one.

- Officer-- They stole my wallet.
- Down.

Down on the ground.
Get down on the ground.

We always win.

Would you step out of the car,
please, sir?

It's all a big misunderstanding.

Like a Three's Company episode.

Somebody came in the wrong door
and all hell broke loose.

Doreen!

Oh, Wally.

We didn't charge him.

We thought bringing him home
bare naked was punishment enough.

Were the handcuffs
totally necessary, Officer?

Actually, that was
your husband's idea.

Thanks for dropping him off.
Good night.

I don't understand how a man can
get up to these park shenanigans...

with a lovely piece of ass
like yourself waiting at home.

Thank you, I guess.

You're welcome.

Honey, I think you've got
a right to know what happened.

- Wally, please don't.
- No, no, no.

I went out driving, because
as you know I love driving...

when suddenly I had to take
the biggest pee in the world.

So I saw this washroom.

I stopped in, but it was full
of those ""types.''

You know, queers and queens.

So one of them tried to kiss me...

and I said, ""No! No, no.''

But he just kept kissing me.
Why would he do that?

Well, didn't you tell me
that you had...

gripped him by the buttocks
and pulled him closer?

Yes, but that was 'cause
I was concerned that he might fall.

Doctor, his pants were down
around his goddamn ankles.

Doctor, why do those--
you know--

those ""types'' keep thinking
that I'm one of them?

Because you are one of them.

You are gay.

You are gay. You are a homosexual.
The opposite of straight.

You're gay. I know it, your family
knows it. Dogs know it!

Everyone seems to know it
except you!

Why am I not aware of it?

It's called denial.

Look, Doctor, are you
just gonna sit there...

and spew psychiatric
mumbo jumbo at me all day?

No, I'm just gonna write you
a prescription...

for the drug.

The drug?

Yes. Gleemonex. It's new.

I don't normally like to do this,
but you're a special case.

Will I still be in denial?

No, it's to be hoped
that you'll just be gay.

- Casey's on it.
- Futura's on it.

- Robbie's on it.
- Seven's on it.

-Josh is on it.
- Sky is on it.

Of course Sky is on it.
Sky's on everything.

- Yeah, including you.
- Once!

Yeah, well?

It's made from monkey come,
you know.

Pardon me?

The drug.
It's made from monkey come.

They keep these monkeys
locked in a room all day.

Then they make them jack off.

Then they take the come and boil it.
That's what the drug is made of.

Ah! They make them jack off?

Oh, yeah, they show them
this animal pornography.

Really kinky stuff like two dogs
making love with a cat...

or a bat and a pig.

That's bullshit!

You two, out of my cab!

I don't like that kind of language.

- You're obviously not on it.
- Move it out of here!

You're not getting dollar one,
you ugly man!

I don't give a crap,
you stupid slinky whore!

-Is he coming out?
-I hear he's too depressed to go on.

It's gonna be amazing, eh?

Hold it!

I wanna talk about drugs.

Heroin!

No, not heroin.

Speed!

No, not speed.

Hashish!

No, not even hashish.

Horse tranquilizers?

Not horse tranquilizers.

I just heard about this new drug
that makes you happy.

I just wanna say--

Fuck happy!

Well, Marv...

are they in?

Yes, Don, the grosses are in.

Well?

I think it's important
to remember...

these things are never as bad
as they may seem at first.

The data can be interpreted
in many ways. Bear that in mind.

There are a lot of ways
of interpreting the data.

You son of a bitch.
We're number one.

I got you!

You son of a bitch!
We beat penicillin!

We kicked penicillin's sorry ass!

Could I have the room for a second,
you son of a bitch?

Yes, Don, I understand.

We beat penicillin!

Mr. November.

He's hot.

Mr. December.

He likes it hot.

You are scum!
Do you hear me, soldier?

Yes, sir!

Do you know what we
are going to do today?

No, sir!

We are going
to be doing push-ups all day!

You and me, all day!

-Do you think that's funny, soldier?
-No, sir!

You will be doing those push-ups
with me lying on your back!

You are going to discover muscles
you never knew you had!

Big muscles!

Hard muscles!

Oh, yes, sir!

Guess what?

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

He's gay!

Did you hear the news
He's gay

I was straight and now I'm gay
I think the drug made me that way

He's gay, he's gay, he's gay

I'm gay

Who cares?

These are fakes.
Get outta here!

Scram!

Thank you.
Have a good evening.

I think that's him,
the inventor of the drug.

My God, Mr. Roritor's house
is amazing.

When I was a little girl,
I used to--

Chris, can I see you?
It'll just take five minutes. Great.

They're talking about us.

- Someone would like to meet you.
- Oh, really?

Hi, Doctor.
I'm ""Cancer Boy.''

What would you like to say
to the doctor?

I'd like to thank you
for your marvelous drug.

Are you on it, Cancer Boy?

No, there is no hope for me.
But my parents are on it.

They were so very low,
not just because of me...

but because my brother was born
with his heart outside of his body.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

Nice to make your acquaintance.

Sorry, sorry.

That's okay.
My marrow is just low.

Chris, you've been ignoring Don.
You really should speak with him.

Each day's a gift.

Did you see?

The doctor and me, did you see?

Hi, Chris. Come in.

I'm almost done.

Thank you, Marv.

Could you do it harder?

Little softer.

Right, in circles.

Less in circles.

But more in circles.

Right.

Great. Done.
Head scratch, Chris?

No, thank you, Don.

You sure?

Thanks. Good job.

Can I get you anything else?

Grappa, wine, cappuccino,
tickets to a Lakers game?

- No, thanks.
- Are you sure?

What about cheesecake?

Double-A batteries?

Land in Montana?

No, thank you.

I offer you these, but they'll be
yours anyway. Do you understand?

- Did Marv talk to you?
- Yes, he did.

Good. So you know.

Know what?

That we're applying for your drug
to be nonprescription.

But my drug is for
the clinically depressed.

Chris, you've invented...

a marvelous drug, and right now
only certain people can have access.

We think that everyone
should have access to it.

Like ghetto children.
Apparently their lives are horrible.

Did you read that thing
in the Times?

You want ghetto children
to be happy, don't you, Chris?

- Sure, Don, but--
- Of course you do.

There may be some papers to sign,
that's if this thing happens.

But it might not happen.
You know how these things are.

But I really think--

That was supposed to be fixed.

Come on, Chris.

Hang on, I'll introduce
you around. Everyone!

This is Chris Cooper.
He's the inventor of our new drug.

As some of you know...

the drug is going nonprescription,
which is good.

That's it.

What's this?

This is the real party.

Where's Chris?

I don't know.
I haven't seen him in a while.

- He's over here.
- What?

He's on this monitor.

Wow. Who's she?

Cute!

She must be another scientist.

So, Chrissie, does this mutt say,
""Gleemonex for pets''?

Sort of.

You know, I don't even know
if he looks happy...

of if he would even take the drug.

You don't like, Chris?

It's just that--

I have this dog in my head,
and I haven't see it yet.

Right. Right.

I gotta see more dogs.
I gotta have more dogs.

This is a dog disaster.
I gotta see more dogs!

Nat?

- My cup is luke.
- Luke warm, Chris?

No, Luke Skywalker,
you fuckin' inbred!

Tasty.

Grivo! Grivo!

Hold it.

Heroin!

No, not heroin.

I have a new song.
I wrote it in the park.

Happiness and sunbeams

And cute little puppy dogs

These are the things
that I've seen with my heart

Life is a happy game
if you don't forget to smile

But every now and then
your face

Fuck! He's on the drug.

It harbors a frown

You suck!

Sadness is a barnacle
clinging to your bright boat

You won't let it sink your spirits
if you'll only learn to float

We are all sea captains
sailing on life's rough seas

Come on you Magellans
Come with me

I've got pie

Happiness pie

Happy tailors, happy workers
happy farmers, happy girls

Happy widowers, happy freelance artists
happy welders, happy world

happy drinkers, happy thinkers
happy musicians, happy beauticians

Happy mayors, happy pairs
happy call girls, happy hula boys

Happiness pie

Pie

Happiness pie

The winner of the World Video Award
for best new contemporary song...

Grivo!

Thank you.

I'd like to thank my fan base.

We did it.

Smile. It's free.

He's the inventor
of the wonder drug, Gleemonex.

She's a super supermodel!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Clemptor and Dr. Chris Cooper.

Writing a hit song
is a real science.

Well, you should know, Chris.

And now, the award...

for the best new rap,
hip-hop or folk act--

And the first nominee
is Cancer Boy.

Yummy.

From his new album,
Whistle When You're Low.

Chris! Chris!

Thank you!

I would've killed myself if not for you!
Can I have an autograph?

Sure. Should I sign
along the scar? Put her there!

Chris Cooper signed my scar!

I love you, man.

Something's in my eye!

Fucking bird!

Chris, do you want me to get it?

No, I'm...

favorable.

Would one of you ladies
get the door?

Oh, hello.

What do you want?

Is your uncle here?

Uncle?

Right.

Uncle Chris!

Uncle? What, are we gonna play
another game, 'cause-- Alice!

What are you doing here?

There's something wrong
with little Signund.

Chris, can we order
some chicken wings?

Get a receipt.

What do you mean ""wrong''?

He's in some sort of coma.

Let me see.

I think little Signund's locked
in his happiest memory.

I see a mouse thinking, Alice.

That's it.
We're breaking up.

Alice, you seem a little upset
and pretty deluded.

I just think you should seriously
consider taking my drug.

Women!

Not you two.

I was in love with you.
I could have anyone.

I'm beautiful!

We almost kissed.

When will you girls sign that form
that says last night never happened?

It's all yours, Captain.

Go on, make your move.

957?

Mrs. Hurdicure!

Cat on my head!

Hey, you kids!

Get away from there! Get out
from under that lady's dress!

Mrs. Hurdicure, are you all right?

Are you all right?

- Coming!
- Presents!

Gotta go.

- It's a harmonica.
- That was lovely.

Tea?

Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not?

In my opinion,
the drug is ready.

Don, we're--

Don, could I--

Excuse me a second, Rabbi.

Chris, we're having a family bris.

My nephew's brising. We're about
to bris. Can this not wait?

- We're in trouble.
- What?

When I told you the drug was ready,
I hadn't done enough testing.

Now Mrs. Hurdicure, one
of the first test subjects has...

gone into a coma.

Yeah, Chris,
but wasn't she an old lady?

Old ladies
go into comas every day.

No, it's the drug.

Alice tried to warn me,
but I didn't listen.

But people gotta know.
We gotta go to the media.

The media?

What are you talking-- newspaper,
television, CD-ROM, college radio?

Yes, the whole kit and caboodle.

I think we ought to think about it
before we go to the media.

- We shouldn't go to the media.
- You know, I agree.

But we have to!

Rabbi Johnson,
just gimme a minute, okay?

Chris, let's talk.

You know, the thing
about being upset is that...

besides it sometimes being
a turn-on to women...

it's not a state you wanna be in
when making important decisions...

like going to the press,
wouldn't you agree?

No, I wouldn't.
We gotta get the word out.

Yeah, but you would agree
that Paris is the capital of France?

- Wouldn't you agree to that?
- Yes, but--

Good. Then we're back in agreement.

Your drug is effectively changing
the world for the better.

It's important that you know that.

Have you heard that crack is gone?
Crime is down...

and oddly enough,
so is tourism.

But if I haven't said it before,
good job.

About the comas...

in war they call that sort of thing
""acceptable losses.''

Like 1 944, the Germans are in France
when they should be in Germany...

and it's gonna cost
a pretty penny to get them home.

What we already know about your drug
and what I'm gonna show you...

is that the acceptable losses there
are really at about 5%, if that.

Chris, it might be very easy here
to take the narrow view and say...

""My God, more coma victims,
oh, how terrible.''

Blah, blah, blah.

Chris, I still think
that's the narrow view.

They're stuck
in their happiest memories.

Won't you take me to Funky Town

Funky Town

In a situation like this...

you should rely on my experience.

When I invented Stummies--

Fuck Stummies!

And you too, Don!

You pushed, boy, you pushed!

Dumb Baxter said the drug was great.
I said testing!

And you took away my lab 'cause--

Sure, I lost my virginity,
but who do you think--

You pushed, boy, you pushed!

I gotta return Rear Window
to the video store and now this!

Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?

No, I don't think I will
""fuck Stummies.''

Get your finger out of my face.

Don't you touch my finger.

- Get your finger out of my face.
- Don't you touch my finger.

You know, I had such
high hopes for you...

but unfortunately
you just don't get it.

My fucking finger!

What's the matter?

Oh, Wallace?

Wally?

Come on now. Not tonight,
we're wearing our suits.

No secrets here, remember?
No secrets between sailors.

You are scum!
Do you hear me, soldier?

Terzinsky.

- Yes, sir?
- See the two enemies by the wall?

Got 'em.

You're my best man.
Here's the plan.

You go over there and fuck them,
we'll stay here and masturbate.

- Yes, sir!
- Go!

There goes a man!

Chris.

Chris, I thought you said
the drug was ready.

I'm confused. I thought you said
the drug was ready.

Chris, you said the drug was ready.

Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you
for your marvelous coma!

Coma! Coma!

Don't go to the media.

I gotta go to the media!

I'd like to thank the members
of the media who did make it.

College radio...

Weapons and Helmets magazine...

of course Girl Beat.

Thank you all for coming.

Who needs the networks anyway?

Okay then, follow me.

I'm gonna take you to where
Roritor hides its terrible secret.

A secret that
I'm responsible for.

I accept my part in this
and ask you to brace yourselves...

as you bear witness to Roritor's...

hideousness!

Can you spare five minutes, Chris?

No, Marv!
I'm going to expose the comas!

I can help if you'll come with me.

Okay, fine.

Let's go.

Afraid it's the other way, Chris.

All right, everyone, stay together.
Tight unit.

I'm glad that you and Don
have come to your senses...

and realize that you can't--

What is this?

This is the real press conference.

The real press conference?

There's food.

Ladies and everyone...

we've been joined
by Dr. Chris Cooper.

And thanks to Dr. Cooper...

we're pleased to announce
that we're breaking ground...

on the first of ten
new Roritor Comatoriums.

Now I'd like to introduce you
to our first lucky resident.

There, there, old darling.

It's Mrs. Hurdicure.

What a wonderful visit we're having
to Roritor's new Comatorium...

where my mother will be cared for,
washed and read to.

- We envy her.
- Yes, we do.

But we will settle for this
cashier's check...

for $ 1 0,000.

Which families receive if a lucky
loved one goes to a better place--

their happiest memory.

Wow, that's a lot of money!
How pleasing!

Wait!

That's not what I invented
the drug for.

I mean, does she look happy?

Yes.

Okay granted, she looks happy.

But people are supposed
to be depressed sometimes!

We invented the drug for people
too depressed to get off the floor.

Not because you missed your bus...

or you don't look good
in a yellow hat.

That's just wrong.

Tell 'em, Chris.

I mean, without his pain
and his sadness...

could Van Gogh have painted
all that stuff?

I know that's not an actual
Van Gogh, but still my point is...

you can't be happy all the time!

That's life!
Take it back!

You know, those words hurt.

But you realize they come from a
man who's gone mad with depression.

Unfortunately, it seems to happen
to some of our greatest geniuses.

People like Oppenheimer,
Schweitzer...

Boxcar Willie.

That's why today we're specially sad
to announce that Dr. Chris Cooper...

has in fact been found
certifiably depressed.

What does that mean again, Cisco?

Legally, he's gotta take
his own drug.

Right.

Please, Chris, we want you to try
and remember...

that we're only doing this
because we love you.

If the pill is so safe, Don,
why don't you take it?

Yeah!

Why don't you take it?

I've absolutely no problem
with that.

In fact, I'm quite fond
of the drug.

And if a demonstration is what
is needed here, so be it.

- Marv?
- Yes, Don?

Take the drug.

Of course, Don.

Is that cappuccino
ever gonna be ready...

or do I have to come in there
and grind the beans with your head?

Just warming it up, Don.

What is taking you so long?

Stop staring at me.

Coming, Don.

Well, there you have it.

I've done my part.
We've taken the drug.

And now it's your turn, Dr. Cooper.

Oh, come on, Chris. Open.

Oh, dear.

It's the little things in life
that make it worthwhile.

Good coffee, Marv.

Slipped off my shoes.

So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper
and stop taking the drug?

No, they did not, goddamn it!

Today they even have parades
to celebrate the comas.

And they drag out the poor bastards
like they're fucking astronauts.

I don't like the world now.

I mean, before I always knew
I was a son of a bitch.

But now I'm the only
son of a bitch I know.

Make way for a real human being!

Get out of the way, you--

As for Dr. Cooper...

well, some people say
that hejoined a KISS cover band...

and he rocks three nights a week
in some chicken wing spot.

But still, others say,
and I hope this is true...

that he is out there, somewhere...

working on the cure
for all this stupid happiness.

All right, everyone, easy, easy.

Alice, wait.

I just wanna say
that we've worked very hard...

under some
difficult circumstances...

and I'm very confident
that this new drug...

will unlock her unhappiest memory.

Yeah, but that's what you said
about the drug we tested on Baxter.

Okay then, let's get at it.

Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.

That's a good girl.

Mrs. Hurdicure...

how do you feel?

Sad.

She's depressed!

Yes, yes!

She's sad! She's sad!

Baxter, we did it.

Yeah.

Wait. Baxter.

No, Baxter! Bax--

She's sad!

Alice, we just depressed
one old lady.

We got a whole world
to bum out.

It can wait.

Okay, Miguel,
I got a surprise for you.

So keep your eyes closed
and don't peek, okay?

Okay, open your eyes.

Surprise!

Wow, thanks, Grandma!

Happy birthday, Miguel.
Oh, you look adorable.

Let me get a picture of you.

Boy, oh, boy, this will be grand.
Miguel?

Miguel!

Oh, no. Come to Grandma.

I'm gonna fall!

So what does
this whole story mean?

The only way to be happy is to know

You won't be happy every single day

It sounds better...

in the original Croatian.

As for the kid,
he turned out okay.

He came down in a field
a couple of days later...

and ironically grew up
to be an airline pilot.

So there you go.
You have your happy ending.

Now get out...

because nowhere on your ticket
does it say you can sleep here.

Mother Hurdicure.

Oh, Ginny.

Where's Miguel?

I thought he was with you.

Well, he's missed the clown.