Kidnapping, Caucasian Style (1967) - full transcript

MOSFILM

Artistic Association "Luch"

Alexander DEMYANENKO
as Shurik

KIDNAPPING CAUCASIAN STYLE,

OR SHURIK'S NEW ADVENTURES

Also starring:

Natalya VARLEY

Vladimir ETUSH

Frunzik MKRTCHYAN
Ruslan AKHMETOV

Yuri NIKULIN, Georgy VITSIN
Yevgeny MORGUNOV

With



N. AVALIANI, N. GREBESHKOVA
M. GLUZSKY, E. GELLER

G. MILLYAR, D. MKRTCHYAN
N. REPNINA, A. STROYEVA

Written by Ya. KOSTYUKOVSKY,
M. SLOBODSKOY, L. GAIDAI

Directed by
Leonid GAIDAI

Director of Photography
Konstantin BROVIN

Production Designer
Vladimir KAPLUNOVSKY

Music by A. ZATSEPIN
Sound by V. KRACHKOVSKY

It was Shurik
who told us this story.

On one of his expeditions he collected
the folklore and Iegends ofthe Iand...

This story may, in fact, be only
a Iegend, too,

but Shurik insists it really did occur
in one of mountainous regions.

He didn't specify which region it was,
because he wanted to be fair

to all the other regions where such
story might have happened.

Go on!



Where are you going?

Damn it!

What made me agree to drive this
old asthmatic vacuum cleaner?

Don't Iose hope!

I remember what the great and wise
Abou-Akhmat-ibn-Bey said,

who was the first driver of
that machine. He said: "Edik..."

- Edik.
- Shurik.

So he said to me, "Edik,
only AIIah himself knows

where goes the spark
ofthis degenerate

in the family of internal-combustion
engines."

May its carburetor
go dead forever!

- Pardon me...
- Yes?

Excuse me...

- Would you mind...
- Yes?

Will you please not zig zag,
and stay on the road?

- Why?
- My donkey's following you.

- So it's your donkey who pursued me?
- That's right.

- And I had the impression...
- No, it's him!

- Are you from around here?
- Yes, I'm here on vacation.

- I'm here on business. How far is the town?
- 2 kilometers.

- Thanks very much. Goodbye now.
- Have a nice time.

Come on...
Move!

You see, he won't budge
unless you go first.

- Year of birth?
- 1942.

- Purpose ofyour visit?
- Ethnological research.

- I see... Looking for oil?
- No. I'm Iooking for folklore.

I'm making records ofyour
old tales, Iegends, toasts.

Toasts?!

My dear man, you're in Iuck...
I can help you.

Closed for Iunch

What's this?

- You want a good toast?
- Yes.

A toast without wine is the same as
a wedding without a bride.

- No, I don't drink.
- Who drinks?

This isn't drinking.

You didn't understand.
I don't drink at all.

You see, I'm not physically
able to.

This will make
my first toast.

- A toast? I'll copy it.
- You'll do it Iater. Take this glass.

My great grandfather always said:

"I desire to buy a house, but I don't
have the means to do it.

I have the means to purchase a goat,
but I don't desire it."

So Iet us drink to
our desires

always meeting
our possibilities.

- Good for you.
- Right...

- Now, here's another toast.
- Right...

- I'll be right back.
- Take your time. I'll breathe a bit.

I'll get some fresh air, a break from
sitting in my office all the time.

Always the office...

- Where have you been?
- Something wrong?

- My niece.
- A pleasure to meet you.

Nina.

- She's studying to be a teacher.
- Teaching those who'll take our place.

Excellent student, Komsomol member,
athletic girl.

- Athletic?
- Uncle knows everything about me.

- You're just what we need.
- And what do you need?

Let me ask you a question,
a question you'd probably not expect.

Go ahead.

- What do you think of marriage?
- I think of it positively.

She's too young to think about it.

It's never too early, and never too
Iate. Go get the car started.

What's your opinion about our
inauguration of a new Wedding Palace?

- I'll be there for sure.
- Will you?

I may ask you for a favor,
a small one, but important.

- What is it?
- I'll tell you Iater. See you there.

AII right.

And when the whole flock
migrated to the south,

one small but proud bird said:

"As for me, I shall head up
to the sun."

And he started upward,
he flew upward, upward,

but soon the heat ofthe sun
burnt his wings,

and he dropped down to the bottom
of a very deep canyon.

So my toast is
that no one of us,

no matter how high you get,

ever fly too far
from the rest ofthe collective.

- What's wrong with him?
- What's wrong?

So sorry for the bird!

The princess was so angered
that she hanged herself,

because he had counted the exact
total of grains in the sack,

the exact sum of drops in the sea,
and the total of stars gleaming.

So I propose a toast to cybernetics!

Have one, please.

For you!

Wedding Palace

Dear friends!

Today is a great and joyous day...

a beautiful day.

In just a few seconds,
these silver shears

will cut this red
silken ribbon

and, thus, open to all the newlyweds
of our region

the road to the radiant future,

the road to happiness, to Iove, to
accord, through our Wedding Palace.

To inaugurate the palace then...

we agreed among ourselves...

that the honor of inaugurating
our palace

would be conferred upon
a fine girl

who represents...

a new generation of mountainous
women.

She is a student...
a Komsomol member... an athlete...

And with all this,
she's just a beauty.

You see what I meant by a small,
but important favor. Would you...

Please.

And to quote our wonderful satirist,
Arkady Raikin,

a woman is a friend of man.

Just a minute...
Just one minute...

Would you speak a bit more slowly.
I'm taking this down.

Who is he?

- Must be a reporter.
- Ah, a reporter!

AII right, to quote Arkady Raikin,
a woman is a friend of man.

Hooray for you!
We must drink a toast to girls...

Give that back! Give me back
my horn, I tell you!

That's my horn!

He was the cause ofthe failure of
the Wedding Palace ceremony.

Then, upon the ruins ofthe chapel...

Excuse me...
Did I destroy the chapel too?

No, that was done in the 14th century.

As I was saying, upon the ruins of
the chapel...

This is all quite right.
Yes, it's all exact.

Everything is put down correctly.
It's perfect, very good.

But it's only one side ofthe case.
And what's the other side?

This felon is not a felon,
he's a great man of science,

he's an intellectual.
He has come to visit us.

He's gathering stories...
Iegends, you know... toasts.

- Toasts?
- Yes, toasts.

I guess he overestimated
his potential, right?

What we have here
is an on-the-job accident.

I've got
a magnificent toast.

Hotel

You have a very wrong idea
about our region.

Everybody knows the Kuzbass is...

Kuzbass is the forge
ofthe Soviet Union, right?

Kuban is our granary...

- And Caucasus is... what?
- Our sanatorium!

Sanatorium?
No!

Caucasus is the forge, the granary
and the sanatorium ofthe Soviet Union.

My dear friend, where did you
disappear?

Last night I remembered a splendid
old toast. Come along.

Wait. I must speak to Shurik.
Why don't you put down your toast,

and make three copies of it,
and present it in writing.

I'll do it!

It's my dream to record
some ancient ceremony.

It would be great
if I could take part in it.

Listen, where can we find it...
Look around at what's going on.

No, in our region, the old ways
and traditions are dead.

Perhaps high up in the mountains,
you might find something

for your science,
but not down here.

- Then I'll go up there.
- Right. It's yourjob, isn't it?

You've come here
to record fairy tales,

and we are working here
to make fairy tales real.

Yes?

I've brought the toast.

Feeling bad, eh?

- Who gave you permission?
- You told me to bring three copies.

Life is grand, isn't it?

- And the grand Iife is even better!
- You're right!

Administrator of Regional Economy
B.G. Saakhov

Aren't you ashamed ofyourself?
You'd cheat a poor orphan?

She got nobody but her uncle and aunt.
Twenty five.

I respect your niece,
but there're Iimits to everything.

- Eighteen.
- Have you got no shame?

After all, you're getting not a goat,
but a wife, and what a wife!

A student, a Komsomol member,
an athlete, a beauty...

And for all that I'm asking 25 sheep.
It's a real bargain!

That's bad apolitical reasoning. You
are blind to the political situation.

You see Iife through the windows of
my personal automobile.

25 sheep when our region hasn't
fulfilled the plan in meat and wool?

Don't mix up your own sheep
with those ofthe State.

By the way,
my dear Dzhabrail,

I'm placed here to keep a watch
over the State's interests.

Sit down for now.

Where were we...

- Twenty sheep.
- Twenty five.

Twenty.

I'll also give you a refrigerator...
A certificate of merit...

- And a free trip someplace...
- To Siberia.

- AII right.
- AII right.

Let's see now.

The bridegroom agrees...
Her relatives agree, too.

But... the bride herself...

Yes, young people today are brought
up badly, yes, badly.

They have silly views
on marriage.

Why must we ask her opinion?
Put a sack over her and... whoosh!

That's a good idea.

A very good idea.

But I can't be part of it.

Don't worry.
It'll be done by outsiders.

- Yes, and not from around here.
- Trust me.

Dancing School. Price based on tariff.
Tariff: 1 ruble.

This is the twist, not the Iezghinka.
Watch me again.

With your right toe,
you crush the butt of a cigarette.

Like this.

Another butt...
you crush with your Ieft toe.

Now you crush both butts.

Dancing School. Price based on tariff.
Tariff: 1 ruble.

Multiboard Game. Price based on
tariff. Tariff: 1 ruble.

You Iost.

- You sold her?
- None ofyour business!

Wait a minute... well...

I bet it passes...
A bit to my right...

There.

Forward!

The sheep in the stable,
the fridge in the house.

Where are you going?

Get back in the house.

You won't get away with this.

- Kidnapping such a wonderful girl...
- An athlete, a Komsomol member...

By the way,

in my town a man kidnapped
a girl who was a Party member.

Shurik, you're making
a great deal of progress.

- Oh, it's nothing at all.
- Nothing at all?

Real nothing. I was secured.

Well, I'll have to give you
a harder task.

What is it?

Hop into your sleeping bag.
As quick as possible.

- Just a second. We'll time it.
- Right.

Well, get ready. On your mark...
Go!

Time!

Are you going to sleep standing?

I'm timing you.

Watch out!

Shurik! Stay where you are!
I'll save you!

There're two ofthem.

- The third one's got a tail...
- Don't count the donkey.

- The second one is one too many.
- A witness.

And what if...

- We can't murder him.
- We'd better wait.

Right, we'll wait.
You deal.

- What is this? Is it folklore?
- No, it's a student song.

A song about bears.

- It couldn't be useful to you.
- It can. It's students' folklore.

Come on, sing it.

AII right, Iisten.

Somewhere in a distant corner,
In the frozen North,

Bears rub their bodies
Against the axis of Earth.

Passing by them are eras,
Sleeping are the seas ice-bound.

Bears rub their bodies,
The earth goes spinning around.

The earth goes round and round.

They turn the earth around
With all their bear's might,

So that all the Iovers
Sooner could meet and unite.

So that one sunny morning,
One year earlier, or two,

He could say, "I Iove you",
And she: "I Iove you, too."

After an April shower,
Sooner will come the dawn.

And for the two happy Iovers,
As the time goes on,

The sun will shine forever,
The days will all be fair,

The fog will curl in a valley,
Snow-white as a bear.

Somewhere in a distant corner,
In the frozen North,

Bears rub their bodies
Against the axis of Earth.

Passing by them are eras,
Sleeping are the seas ice-bound.

Bears rub their bodies,
The earth goes spinning around.

The earth goes round and round.

The earth goes round and round.

Goodbye, Shurik.

You go that way,
and I'm heading for the camp.

It's been fun.

- Goodbye, Nina.
- Goodbye!

Nina!

- Wait, Nina.
- What is it, Shurik?

I'm going to take you
to your camp.

You didn't Iive up
to the trust I put in you.

- It was impossible.
- You set us an unattainable goal.

Ifyou ask me...
it was voluntarism.

Watch your Ianguage in my house!

What did I say?

Aha! Fine!

There's your money!

We quit!
Take your money!

Take it!

- Here's your money.
- Wait a minute.

Listen... Everything will be fine.

The one who's in the way,
he will help us.

- That changes things.
- Then we agree.

Get ready.

- Come here.
- Come on, you idiot!

Whose shoe is it?

Mine. Thanks.

Let's go.

You'd better go. It's getting Iate.

You won't Iose your way, will you?

Good night.

- Oh, hello, Shurik.
- Good evening.

- What'll you have?
- Nothing. Alyosha, a bottle ofwine.

- You're a Iucky man.
- Why?

- You wanted to see an old ceremony?
- Of course, it would be great.

- At daybreak tomorrow.
- Do you really mean it?

You'll be able not only to see it,
you may also take part in it.

I don't know how to thank you.

- Would you Iike some juice?
- No.

- What exactly is this ceremony?
- Bride kidnapping.

Don't think it's something bad.
The bride dreams of it.

Her parents have agreed, too.
Of course, they can go get registered...

- But first the bride should be stolen.
- Stolen?

A beautiful tradition.

And what do I do in all this?

- You'll be the kidnapper...
- Kidnap?

- Carry her off in a sack...
- In a sack? Is this the tradition?

It's great!

- You must carry her, guess where?
- To the groom, I guess.

No. Carry her
to his friends.

To his friends?

- That's the custom.
- I see.

- I'd Iike you to meet these friends.
- Sure.

- The groom's friends.
- Shurik.

Shurik.

Shurik.

Please, join us.

They don't speak a word
of Russian,

but they understand everything.

What does he say?

He says, "Bon appetite".
Go on, eat.

Thank you very much.

- What did he say?
- He says, ifyou refuse...

They'll kill you.

Just a joke.

Ajoke.

Ajoke...
AII right, I'll do it.

Good.
Nina will be glad.

- Nina? The bride's name is Nina?
- Yes, Nina, my niece.

You mean Nina is engaged?

They're so mad about each other.

Oh, I just remembered.
Tomorrow I'm busy...

You must excuse me.
I can't do it.

No, it's impossible.

- Look here, Shurik.
- What?

I must tell you this...

Nina wants you to do it.

Nina... asked me to do it?

That's right.

In that case, you can tell Nina...
that I'll do it.

Goodbye.

Remember, the custom demands
that everything Iook natural.

The bride will resist,
kick back and even bite you.

She'll yell for the police and say
she'll file a complaint against you.

Don't pay any attention,
it's a beautiful old custom.

I understand.

Don't worry.
Everything will Iook natural.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Shurik...

What are you doing?

Just don't say anything.

What's the matter?

I'm here to say goodbye.

Goodbye, Shurik.

Farewell, Nina.

- Be very happy.
- Goodbye.

What have you got there?

A bride, officer.
We've kidnapped her.

You're some joker. I bet you'll
prepare shish kebab from this bride.

Don't forget to invite me.

Eagle's Nest - 57 km

You mean there's no such custom?

- She was really kidnapped?
- Yes.

Who did it then? Oh yes...
Who's the suitor?

We find out who'll be our husband
only at the wedding.

There will be no wedding!

I kidnapped her,
so I'll go and rescue her.

Shurik!

- What is it? What's going on?
- A crime! An act oftheft!

What did they steal?
Your donkey I suppose?

- A girl, Nina. I'm a witness.
- Nina?

No, you're not a witness!

- You're the kidnapper!
- I thought it was a gag.

How shameful!
You've disgraced our region!

- How could I know it was for real?
- I'll take care ofthe case myself.

This man, this groom
is a rat!

You don't know who he is, do you?
You don't?

Too bad.
He's an immoral scoundrel.

Thank you for alerting us.
This deplorable example

will help us to rally up the masses.

Right.
And I'm going to the police.

You can't!
They'll arrest you immediately.

They will be obliged to place you
under arrest. They will.

Do you have money?

You'll have to get away. Saving Nina
will become my business.

Those scoundrels will go on trial,
and you'll come to it as our witness.

No, I cannot take advantage
ofyour magnanimity.

- My magnanimity?
- You'd be risking covering for me.

I was the kidnapper,
so I have to make up for my guilt.

Thank you!
I'm very grateful to you.

Comrade Shurik!

Why the police?
What's the use of it?

Go to the prosecutor.
He will understand everything.

Dear guests,
welcome!

- Marim, is the prosecutor here?
- The whole town's here! Come in!

Wine for our dear guests!

Thank you, I don't drink.
We want to see the prosecutor.

You can't refuse.
It's an insult.

Please.

Please, come on in.

Psychiatric hospital? Please, send
someone immediately to Gogol Street.

Kapitanaki's house.

Yes, there's a party on.
One ofthe guests is very sick.

Come as soon as possible.

Leave him alone,
he wants to sing.

- What happened? Was he run over?
- He's just had a bit too much wine.

This is a very serious
form of illness.

You must save this man,
it's very important.

I swear to you.

Because of his alcoholism, he's
obsessed by a peculiar idea.

The idea of a kidnapped bride
whom he says he must save.

He's completely crazy,
believe me.

- Signs of delirium tremens.
- Yes, delirious, and he trembles.

Don't worry. Give us three days
and we'll have him cured.

No, don't be in a hurry.
He's our guest.

It's important to make him well and
give the society an able man.

- So don't be in a hurry.
- We'll do our best.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

If I ever were a sultan,
I would have three wives.

And surrounded by three
Beauties, I would thrive.

On the other hand again,
If I went that far,

I would get in so much trouble,
Save me, oh, AIIah!

Yes, to have many wives
Seems to be all right,

But it Iooks very bad
On the other side.

Everything is all right.

You can come over.

There's a question for us sultans,
Most important in Iife:

How many wives to have,
Three wives or one wife?

And the answer to this question,
Clear as a day:

If I ever were a sultan,
Single I would stay.

Yes, to have no wife
Seems to be all right.

It is perfect for me
Just on every side.

Yes, to have no wife
Seems to be all right.

It is perfect for me
Just on every side.

Open up!

So that's how it is?
AII right...

I'll go on a hunger strike.

And nobody can see me but a judge...
in there... No one at all!

Watch out!

Psychiatric Hospital No. 1

Yes, it's delirium tremens.

Obsessed by a desire to save a girl
who's he says been kidnapped,

exactly as described to us by Saakhov.

Yes, Saakhov phoned me.

He's very agitated and demands
to be received by you.

Since he demands, I'll receive him.

Go on, get him.

Take care now!

Comrade Saakhov's diagnosis
seems to be absolutely right.

Saakhov?
Did you say, Saakhov?

Yes, Saakhov.

- So it was him who got me in here?
- He sent you here in time of crisis.

- A serious one.
- Right, it was a serious crisis.

I'll tell you the truth.

Saakhov is the one who kidnapped
the girl.

Of course, he did.
He kidnapped her and buried her.

- Listen to me... Saakhov...
- Calm down. We'll get you cured.

Alcoholics are our specialty.

Get me out ofthis.

Promise to be reasonable,
and not try anything?

You can undo him.

I see.
You don't believe me.

- May I see the prosecutor?
- Why, certainly.

- Where's the prosecutor?
- In Ward 6, in Napoleon's place.

You may stop eating and drinking,
you may remain silent,

but nothing will help you.

The district's greatest man has
offered you his hand and his heart.

- The plates.
- What?

There goes the dinner service.

- Is it very big?
- For twelve persons.

There are ninety-six pieces...

You have no shame...

You don't give a damn about
our customs.

What?

You're stupid...
You've got no choice.

You think someone will be searching
for you?

The first person they'll ask will be
me, your only relation.

And I'll say you Ieft the school,
got married and went away.

I'll tell you something else. Keep
quiet and Iisten when I speak to you!

Either you Ieave here
as the wife of comrade Saa...

Lucky girl that you are!
Or you remain in there forever.

That's better.
That's a good girl.

Open the door and meet the man
who'll become your husband.

- Take it off!
- What?

Take offthe hat!

Look here, I'm distressed.
I'm very hurt.

I just went in...

- She's young and capricious.
- No, she's insolent!

There're only two ways
I can go from this house:

Either I take her to the marriage
registry office...

Or she takes me to the prosecutor's.

- No, not that!
- I don't want it either.

AII right, you will see.
Tomorrow she'll feel hungry.

In a week, she'll be bored,
and in a month she'll give in.

- We can wait.
- Yes, we can wait.

Remember, comrades!

You must prove worthy
of our trust.

I'll hold you responsible for her.

We'll do our best,
dear comrade Dzhabrail.

- How about having a drink, huh?
- Don't make fun of us sick men.

- I'm serious. Shall I go for it?
- You're stuck in this place.

I know a way out.

Psychiatric Hospital NO.1

Hey, wait, you psycho!

Why are you running Iike crazy?
Where's your donkey?

- Oh, hello!
- How are you?

- Where are you going?
- Down there.

Hop in, I'll give you a Iift.

Where do I drop you?

I'll explain everything to you,
and you pick the best place to go.

- But go fast.
- This truck is a real hog.

Cursed be the day when I agreed to
drive this asthmatic vacuum cleaner.

I remember what the great and wise...

New paragraph:

Dinner. Underline it.

- She refused the soup.
- She refused...

- Put in brackets: minestrone.
- Minestrone.

Continue.

Three servings of shish kebab...

She threw down the precipice.

...precipice...

Now the wine.

She broke...

Two bottles.

- Three.
- Make it three.

Three bottles...

Good...
Go on, write...

Fruit.

- Fruit...
- Oranges...

Eagle's Nest - 57 km

Is this the Saakhov residence?

We're the anti-epidemic service.

What?

What do you want?

There's an epidemic in the region.
We're vaccinating everyone.

Foot and mouth disease!
Sign right here.

Everyone must be vaccinated!

Soporific

Must I take my shirt off?

No, you may keep it on.
Lie on your stomach.

- Easy. I haven't shot you yet.
- Not yet?

- Is it going to hurt much?
- It depends on the size ofthe needle.

Can you use a small one?

Is it over?

- Alcohol?
- Alcohol.

Lie there and don't move.

This is the newest vaccine.
It takes time for it to work.

- No one else in the house?
- No, nobody!

Don't move, I said, Iie still!
Or "memento mori".

- Momentarily...
- No more!

- That's clear?
- That's very clear.

Assistant! Water!

Nina is here. I'm sure she is.

Go Iook for her.

When will they fall asleep?

In a half hour.
Get going.

The hoof-and-mouth disease
filterable virus

will spread through the blood stream
most intensively...

Make it short, professor.

Ifyou're not interested, I am.
Go on, tell us more.

It spreads through the blood stream
most intensively

when the body is over nicotinized...
alcoholized, and...

- And generally demoralized.
- Right.

So...

Nina?
Nina?

Are you here?

Quiet!
Get over there.

Oil

Nina, are you all right?

You alive?

Thank God!

- Why?
- Traitor! Base hireling!

- Wait, Nina, Iisten to me.
- Judas... How much did they pay you?

- Stop this and Iisten!
- Will you untie me?

You utter zero!
Scoundrel!

Let me go!
Monster... traitor... outlaw...

Chameleon!
Criminal renegade!

Alcoholic,
fake folklorist...

Hello?

Hello?

Speak up!

Who is there?

Good evening...

I never thought you'd visit me.
It's a very pleasant surprise.

I think I'd better change.

Don't bother. They'll attend to that
at the morgue.

We are here to judge you
by the Iaw ofthe mountains,

because you have sought
to bring dishonor on us.

You shall die
Iike the jackal you are.

You haven't the right!
You'll answer for this!

I shall answer for it only to my
consciousness as a true mountaineer...

...to my sister's honor and to
the memory of my ancestors.

Nina! Don't Iet them do it.

This is a barbarity.
I know that I've broken the code,

but I'm ready
to admit my fault.

That won't be enough,

you shall pay for it...
with your Iife!

You haven't the right.
You haven't the right!

This is the mob Iaw! I demand to be
judged by the Soviet Iaw!

Did you buy her
according to the Soviet Iaw?

Or did you have her kidnapped
by the Soviet Iaw?

Let's cut this ridiculous discussion
short. Sister, turn on the sound.

Let's begin.

No! No, please!

Don't do that, I beg you not to.
I won't do it again.

I promise.

Let me go to the prosecutor.
Let me give myself up!

Ah, Hamlet, well done.

- What are you doing? Are you crazy?
- Don't worry. It was only salt.

Yes, only salt.

Please, stand up! The court
is in session!

A cheer for ourjudge,
the fairest one in the world!

Be seated.

- Be seated.
- Thank you. I'd rather stand.

Your honor,
he's unable to sit down.

After an April shower,
Sooner will come the dawn.

And for the two happy Iovers,
As the time goes on,

The sun will shine forever,
The days will all be fair,

The fog will curl in a valley,
Snow-white as a bear.

The earth goes round and round.

The End