Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny (2010) - full transcript

[audience cheering]

[hip-hop music playing]

[audience cheering]

Whoa!

Yeah, Cleveland.

What's up, Cleveland?
How you all feeling?
Everybody good?

Y'all good?
Everybody straight?

Cold as shit out
this bitch, ain't it?

I don't like that--
all this snow.

I don't like that shit.
Y'all got that slushy shit.

That slipping snow.



Hey, look--
God damn it.

There's slush.
There's slush right there.
Watch the slush.

I don't like that shit.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.

Good year for y'all though.
Right now got--

Before I even get started,
shouts out to--

-[woman shouts]
-Hey, sugar foot.
How you doing?

How you doing, sweetie?
Get it out now.

Before we get started,
shouts out to my man, Shaq,

up front showing love.
The cavs.

[cheering]

My man, LeBron, in the house.

Shout out to
our boy, LeBron, in the house.

[audience cheering]

It's a good year for y'all.
A good year for y'all.



Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.

All right, y'all got me
up here for a while, all right?

And this time--
about an hour.

I'm gonna be up here
about an hour.

Now in this time y'all gonna
hear a lot of stuff.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
Don't judge me.

I don't want nobody
judging me.

I love to be honest
when I'm on stage.

I talk about things that
I know-- my family, my kids.

I love to talk
about my babies.

Two babies--
little boy and little girl.

Now I used to talk about
my son being a dumb baby.

I used to.
I'm serious, I did.

I thought my baby
was a dumb baby.

But now I've realized he's not
dumb, he just does dumb shit.

Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.

You know, when a baby
throws a tantrum

he's supposed to fall out,
cry, roll on the ground.

That's a tantrum.
This is not a joke,
this is for real.

This is what my son does
when he gets mad.

I'm not lying.
Don't make me laugh. Look.

This is what he do.
He goes...

This is what he do.
He go...

It's the most retarded thing
I've ever seen in my life.

I can't say nothing.
I got to wait
till he's finished

then explain to people
what happened.

He got an attitude
'cause he can't get no candy.

My baby is weird, man.

When he gets mad
he gets in the oven.

I swear to God.
He gets in the oven.

Then get an attitude with me
when I get him out.

Boy, get your ass
out of the damn oven.

Get your ass out of the oven
before I turn it on.

When I say that he go,
"Hot. Hot.

That thing hot, Daddy."

I love him
to death though, man.

Two-- a little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,

my daughter's
a different ballgame.
My daughter's spoiled, man.

About to be five.
Spoiled. I'm not gonna lie.

I spoil her.
That's what I'm supposed to do.

She's at that age now
though where she knows.

She knows how to play me
and her mom against each other.
She knows how to make us fight.

Here's how she got me
in trouble the other day.

She came in the room,
she hit me with the soft voice.

She's like, "Dad,
can I have a cookie?"

I said, "Yeah, baby.
Let's go get a cookie."

I start walking
towards the kitchen.

Out of nowhere
all I hear is,

"Don't give her
no goddamn cookie!"

Scared the shit out of me.
I stopped.

I didn't know what it was.
I thought
it was Jesus at first.

I went, "Why can't she
have a cookie, Jesus?

What did she do?"

But here's how smart she is.
She knew how to get a reaction
out of me.

She looked at me.
She said, "Dad, I thought you
was the king of the house."

When she said that,
it set me off.

It riled me up.
So I snapped.

I said, "What the fuck
you mean she can't have
no goddamn cookie?

Why'd you buy the cookies
if can't nobody eat a cookie?

That makes you stupid for
buying uneatable cookies.

Ain't nobody
getting a cookie."

I shut the whole cookie
operation down.

I grabbed the cookies,
got my ladder,

put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.

It wasn't a big ladder.

Three steps.
It's a ladder for thugs.

Pap pap pap,
real quick.

Little thug ladder.

This parenting thing is hard.
You need patience.

Got to have a lot of patience
to deal with these kids.

I'm not gonna lie,
I don't have a lot of patience.

I'm learning.
I'm trying.

Certain things
make me mad.

Like, I don't like it
when I tell my kids
to do stuff

and they do
exactly what I say.

I want you to do
what I say,

but I want you to do it how
I pictured you doing it.

Don't do it the way
you want to do it.

Do it the way
I saw you doing it
when I told you to do it.

It might be confusing,
but this is serious to me.

The other day, my son,
he's suped up off candy.

He's running
all over the house.
I got mad.

"Hey, that's it.
Come here.

Shut it down.
Go to bed."

Swear to God,
this is what he did.
This made me so mad.

Standing up,
this is what he did.

I said, "Go to bed."
He said, "Ah."

[snoring]

I was so mad.
"Wake your damn ass up.

You don't sleep standing up.

You're not no vampire."

I was mad 'cause I didn't know
how to explain why I was mad.

You don't close your eyes till
your brain tells your body

to shut everything down.

I got a lot of fears, man.
I got a lot of fears
as a parent.

Let me tell you guys
one of my biggest fears.

One of my biggest fears is my
son growing up and being gay.

That's a fear.
Keep in mind
I'm not homophobic.

I have nothing against
gay people. Be happy,
do what you wanna do.

But me being
a heterosexual male,

if I can prevent my son
from being gay, I will.

Now with that being said,
I don't know

if I handled my son's
first gay moment correctly.

Every kid has a gay moment.
Okay? Every kid.

But when it happens,
you've got to nip it
in the bud.

You got to stop it right then.
"Hey, stop! That's gay!"

It's quick.
"No!"

I don't know if I handled
my son's situation right.

Okay? He's at
a birthday party, right?

My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.

You know when kids play,
they just play.

You don't know what
they're doing but they're
having a good time.

They're just doing
a bunch of stuff, right?

They're moving around.
I said, "Okay, he's good."

I finished talking,
I turn back around to
check on my son again,

a little boy was grinding
on my son's ass.

He was like this.
I didn't know what to do.

I panicked.
I knocked them both down.

"Hey, what's going on here?
What kind of party is this?

Huh? What kind
of party is this?

What's going on here?"
This lady came out.

She was like,
"What are you doing?
They're kids, let them play."

I said, "You show me another
kid getting fucked in the ass
and I'll calm down."

My son had on corduroys.
That's why I had attitude.

I didn't see it,
I heard it.

All I heard was...
Brr brr brr.

"What the? Who the hell
is playing with cards?

What is that?
Is somebody shuffling cards?

They're too young
for spades here."

The thing
that pissed me off--

Here's what
pissed me off, man.

I was eating a buffalo wing
when it happened.

I should have dropped
the wing and ran over there,

but I licked
my fingers first.

I didn't mean it.
I said, "Hey!

Boy!"

The black in me came out.

There's a lot of pressure
dealing with kids, man.

But I'm learning.
Here's one thing I've learned.

Here's why my patience
is getting better.

I've realized this:
my kids are gonna
make mistakes.

The reason why--
when I was a kid
I made mistakes.

I did a lot
of stupid stuff as a child.

My blood's in them.
They're gonna follow suit.

With that being said,
I don't get as mad
as I used to.

I'm calming down.
My daughter cursed for
the first time the other day.

I didn't get mad.
We was watching SpongeBob.

Something happened
to Patrick.

Out of nowhere she got mad.
She's like, "Shit!"

I said, "Wait, what?
What did you say?"

She's like, "Shit!
They got Patrick, Dad.
You not watching?"

I said, "Whoa.
All right."

Here's why I didn't
get an attitude.

I'm gonna tell you why
I didn't get an attitude.

I didn't give her
attitude because I remember
my first time cussing.

My first time cussing
was 'cause my mom smacked me
in front of company.

My friends
was over my house.
I'm downstairs.

We're playing,
we're having a good time.

My mom comes downstairs,
she said, "Hey.

I told you to keep it down.
You don't run this house,

I do, okay?
With that being said,
that's it.

You're done.
Go to bed."

Smacked me.
Sent me up to my room.

Now you know
when you get smacked
when you're a kid

you get hyped
when you get by yourself.

"You gonna smack me, bitch?

[shrieking]
In front of my friends?

You gonna smack me?"

I was emotional.
I was an emotional-ass kid.

"I'm running away!
That's it!"

I packed a bag
and everything.

You know how many times
I packed a bag with a toy?

I packed a bag
with one toy.

"I'm out.
I'm sick of it.

Me and He-Man are out."

My mom gave me permission
to cuss one time.

One time she gave me
permission to cuss.

I'm in school,
I'm being bad.

My teacher got mad.
Said, "Kevin, come here."

Told me to come to
the front of the class.
Wrote a note,

stapled the note
to my chest.

Said, "Make sure your mother
reads the note."

I get home,
my mom reads the note.

The note said, "Maybe if
you showed your son

some more attention
at home, he wouldn't act
like a fool in school."

My mom read the note.
She said, "Let me tell
you something.

You tell her
mind her damn business

before I come down there
and I beat her ass."

I said, "Okay. You want me
to say it like that?

Or do you want me
to take some stuff out?"

"What I say?
Tell her mind
her damn business

before I come down there
and I beat her ass."

I said, "No,
I heard what you said.
I just want to make sure

that you know that
you're telling me to say
the same thing."

"Kevin, if I tell you
again I'm gonna smack
the shit out of you."

"Okay. No, I got it.
Okay, I got it.

Okay, I got it.
No, I got it.

All right, okay."

Keep in mind it's a lot
of pressure, all right?

My mom just gave me
permission to go to school
and cuss my teacher out.

I didn't feel comfortable
with the situation.

So I wanted to practice.
I wanted to go upstairs,

I wanted to go
over my lines.

So I'm in the mirror,
I'm going over my lines.

I'm like, "Okay, all right.
Okay, all right. Okay.

My mom told me
to tell you

to mind your [loudly] damn--

No, that's too loud.
That's way too loud.

That's not believable.
It's too loud."

Finally I go over it.
I get it down.

I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna go to bed early,
get some rest.

'Cause I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.

I don't want
to mess this up.

So I go to bed.
I wake up, get dressed.

Put on my pants and my shirt.
I get on the school bus.

All my friends see me.
They get hyped.

"Ooh, Kevin's on the bus.

Everybody look.
Kevin's on the bus.
What up, Kev?"

I was like,
"Yo, not today, y'all.

I got a lot of stuff
on my mind.

I can't really have
y'all throwing me off."

My friends was like,
"What are you talking about?"

"I can't really get into it.
All I can tell y'all

is that it's about
to go down."

He was like, "What?"
I said, "Look, man.

It's about to go down.
Just be behind me when
I walk in class."

He said,
"All right, cool."
I walk in class,

Miss Green, my teacher,
she starts speaking
to everybody.

"Hello. Good morning.
Good morning. Hello.

Hello. Good morning."
She sees me, she was like,

"Kevin."
I said, "Miss Green."

She said, "Did you let
your mother read the note?"

I said, "Yes I did."

She said, "Well, what did
your mother say?"

I took a deep breath.
I looked at my friends.

I was like,
"It's about to go down."

I said, "Well...

My mom told me to tell you

to mind your damn
motherfucking business, bitch.

Little stupid bitch.

Little dumb teacher bitch.

2+2 not knowing what
the fuck it is bitch.

Cross-eyed, crying down
your back fat foot ass bitch.

Long tittied, no nipple
having ass bitch."

The shit was crazy.

My friends was in the back
and they was like, "Oh!

He said she ain't had
no nipples."

I got suspended.
I got suspended

and an ass whipping.

My mom beat the shit
out of me when I got home.

"I told you to say
two cuss words.

You said 76 of them."

I thought I was
Samuel L. Jackson.

I'm sick and tired of these
motherfucking teachers in this
motherfucking school.

I had a trench coat on
and I flapped it.

You know when you flap it,
you got to get that
air under it.

Like fuck
everybody in this bitch.
I don't give a shit.

I'm a goddamn thug.

You can't be so hard
on your kids, man.

One of my friends
got a teenage daughter.

He too strict.
I told him, "You got to relax.

That girl gonna do
what she want to do when
you're not around anyway.

Relax, man."
He said, "Kev, let me
tell you something.

Do what you want to do
with your kids.

Don't tell me how
to raise my kids."

I said, "You're right.
I apologize."

Now this isn't funny,
but it made me laugh, okay?

He goes to his daughter's
phone and he finds a picture

of a little boy's thing
on the phone. Right?

Now it's my friend, okay?
Tells me everything.

It's not funny that he
found a picture of a little
boy's thing on the phone.

It was funny
the way he told me.

He confides in me.
He tells me everything.

He comes on the tour bus,
he mad as shit.

He says, "Kev, you're
not gonna believe this.
I go through Tiffany's phone.

I found a picture of a little
boy's, uh, situation

on the phone."

I said, "What?
What?"

"I found a picture
of the hot dog

without the bun
on the phone."

"What are you talking--"
"A tallynackle. She had--

It's a dick on the phone!
She got a dick on the phone!"

I didn't know what to say
so I just kept repeating
what he said.

I said, "So you're telling me
he is a dick on the phone?"

He said, "There's a dick
on the phone."

I said, "So right now if I
look in the phone there's
gonna be a dick in it?"

I said,
"Well, what you gonna do?"

He said, "What you
think I'm gonna do?
I'm about to go to the school."

I said, "Why you going
to the school?"

He said, "Why you think?
I'm about to find out
whose dick it was.

That's why I'm going
to the school."

I said, "Yo, I don't think
that's a good look.

I don't think
you should do that.

I don't think you should
go to the school
with a picture

of a little boy's dick
in the phone

and try to match it up
to other little boys.

That's a little pedophile-ish,
don't you think?

You'll be in jail
before three o'clock."

He said,
"Well, what would you do?"

By far the most difficult
question I've ever been
asked in my life.

He said, "What would you do?"
I thought about it.
I said,"I don't know."

I don't know what I would
do if I found a picture

of a little boy's thing
on my daughter's phone.
I don't know what I'd do.

I'd probably
punch her in the throat.
I don't know.

'Cause I got a son too, okay?

If I found out that my son is
pulling his thing
out at school,

when his mother's around
I'm gonna have an attitude.

I'm gonna have a lot
of stuff to say.

"Really? Really, dude?
That's what you
do at school?

So you don't need pants
'cause your dick is out,

that's what
you're telling me?"

As soon as his mom leaves--
"Hey, come here.

What she say
when she saw it?

Give me some.
Give me some. Yes!

Hell, yeah! Sometimes
you got to put it
on the table, son.

Let 'em see it.

We small but we big
at the same time.
Let 'em know."

I'm a different type
of parent.

I am a different
type of parent.

I'm not gonna lie.
Certain things I do
differently.

I don't like babysitting.
I can admit that.

I don't like watching
my kids by myself--

Too much pressure.

No man does.
No man in this room
is a good babysitter.

I can tell you how
every man in this room
watches kids.

All we do is
sit on the couch

and listen for shit.

That's how we watch our kids.
Kids do whatever they want
when they're with Dad.

"Hey! Hey!

I know y'all
not in that toilet.

Y'all better not
be in that toilet!"

We ain't
gonna do nothing.

I definitely don't like
watching other people's kids.
It's too much pressure.

There's nothing worse
than watching somebody
else's baby

and you give them
their baby back
in a condition

that they didn't
give you their baby in.

Like you ever have to explain
something to somebody
before they see their baby?

"Hey, real quick before
you look at your baby.
Let me ask you something.

Uh, your baby had two eyes
for sure, right?

Okay, so it
happened here.

Long story short:
gas went off in the kitchen,

blew the back
of your baby's face out.

It was crazy.
My baby knew what to do.
He got in the oven.

Your baby just stood there.

Y'all don't run in your house?
Don't nobody
run in your house?"

I had one little girl
get hurt over at my house.

Scariest thing ever, man.
One little girl, right?

My daughter got
real big bunk beds.

I'm in the living room.
I'm watching TV.

Her and her friends,
they in the room playing.

Out of nowhere,
I hear a loud bang.

Bang!
Little girl start crying.

Aah! Aah!

I come in the room, right,
all the girls are standing
around her.

They all standing
around her. One girl
is on her knee

looking at her face to face.
This is what almost
made me laugh:

When I came in the room,
the girl looked at me
like "Hm hm hm."

But I can't laugh
'cause I'm in daddy mode.

I've got to figure out
what happened. I go
to my daughter.

It's her room.
She's responsible.

I said, "Heaven, c'mere.
Come here.

It's your room.
You're responsible.
What happened?"

It's very hard to take
a kid out of play mode.

When kids are playing,
they don't know that shit
just got real.

They don't know.
In her mind it's still a game.
I said, "What happened?"

This is what my daughter did.
She said, "Ho!

Daddy!

[shrieks]
Daddy!"

You ever see kids
do that shake shit?
[shrieks]

"What is wrong with--
stop. Stop shaking your face.

Stop.
What happened?"

This is the story
my baby told me.

She said,
"We got monsters, Daddy.

There's a bunch
of monsters in here.
The prince came out,

told us to get
in the castle.

The castle was at the top
of the bunk bed.

We got up there,
there was too many
people in the castle,

So...

Somebody had to go.

We took a vote and she lost.
I kicked her off."

"Wait, what?
What?"

"I kicked her off, Dad.
It could've been anybody."

[chuckles]

My baby made
an executive decision.
I said, "All right.

She had to go.
I get it.

I understand."

I'll tell you
another fear of mine.

Here's another
fear of mine.

My biggest fear
is getting knocked out

in front of my babies.
That's a fear, man!

As a dad, what do you do?
What do you do when your
kids come get you?

"Dad, they messin' with me?"
"Who?" "Them!"

As a dad, you gotta go
whip whoever them's ass is.

That's your job as a dad.
What do you do

when you go down there
and get your ass whipped?

What do you say?
What do you say to your kids?

"Dad, they messin' with me?"
"Who?" "Them!"

"Stay right here.
Hey, motherf--

Come on, come on!
Let's go!

These niggas are real!
Let's go!

Hurry up!
Get in the car!

Was that a kid?
Was that a kid?

When we get home,
I'm whippin' your ass

for putting me
in that situation.

I had nothing
to do with that.

I woke up this morning
as a Christian.

You don't do that to me."

It's a different ballgame.

See, me?
I'm gonna be honest
with you guys, man.

I'm not that guy.
I'm not a fighter, man.

I'm not.
I won't act like I am.

I won't. Seen too many
bad things happen.

I saw my dad
get knocked out one time.

I was 13.
It traumatized me.

This guy hit my dad
twice in the same spot--
uhn uhn--

Quick as hell.
Quickest two punches
I've ever seen in my life.

I've never seen
anything like it.
Hit my dad so fast,

in the middle of the fight,
my dad stopped fighting
and asked me what happened.

In the middle of the fight.
He's like, "Shit! Hey!

Kevin, hey!
He just hit me twice?"

"Yes.
Yes he did."

"Are you sure it was him?"

"It's only y'all
two out here, Dad.

Ain't nobody else
out here with y'all."

"So you telling me
he that fast?

They not jumping me?
Ain't nobody jumping me?"

"No, nobody jumping you.
It's just him."

"Well, he must be an octopus.
I saw a lot of stuff
goin' by my face."

"Really?
Really, Dad?

An octopus?
That's what you just fought?

A human octopus?
Really?"

When my dad called
another grown-ass man
an octopus,

that was the day
he stopped being my dad.
I lost all respect.

He didn't understand that.

He was still trying
to discipline me
around the house.

"Kevin! Hey!
Didn't I tell you
to get the trash out?

Get up, get the trash out
before I crack your damn face."

"Shut up. Shut up!
You get the trash out

before I get Steve over here,
put his damn hands
on you again."

"Oh. Oh.

Oh, you gonna
get Steve, huh?

You are something else,
you know that?

You are something else.
Give me the trash.

I'll take the trash out.
Give me the trash."

He didn't want to see
Steve again.

Steve beat the shit
out of my dad.

You ever see somebody
lose a fight and talk
like they won?

That's my dad.
After he got knocked out,

He's like, "You good?
Are you good now?"

I said, "Dad, I don't think
that's your lines.

I think the winners
say that.

I think the guy
who won say that.

You just lay down
for a second

and let him finish his speech.

I think you got up
too fast anyway.

You gonna be dizzy."

When I saw my dad
get knocked out

and I saw my brother
get knocked out, you know
what it made me think?

It made me feel like,
as a family,

we're not good at this
particular activity.

We're not fighters.
We're readers. We're good
readers in my family.

See, here's why
I don't fight:

because you don't know
what people are capable of now.

Too many people know
too many different things.

I'm serious.
Know what I'm scared of?

U.F.C. fighters.
You know why?

Because they're real.

That is not a game, people.
They are here.

They exist.
They know shit.

Touch a pressure point,
shuts your whole body down.

Pow. "It's a wrap.
Can't move none of that."

"Fight back!"
"I can't.

Everything is shut down.
I don't know what he did.

Everything.
I can't move anything."

You know who'll be the ones
that are gonna get their asses
whipped by these guys?

Thugs.
I'm gonna tell you why.

'Cause thugs, y'all don't know
how to just fight, man.

Thugs always got to give you
a speech before they fight.

You ever see how long
it take a thug to fight?

Gotta give you his whole
background before he fight.

It take too long.
"Yeah. Real niggas.

All day. Just me.
By myself.

On the block.
Holding it down.

Gun at my waist.
Straight face.

All day.
Not a game.

In jail.
By myself!

One bed.
No pillowcase.

One pillow.
Didn't nobody write me.

It was early. Woke up.
Went back to sleep.

Took a nap.
You ever go night night, nigga?

You ever
go night night, nigga?

Everybody goes
night night, nigga!"

"What?

What does this
have to do with the fight?

Are we fighting or not?"
"You didn't write me."

"I don't know you."

These guys are gonna be
the ones, man.

Everybody
can't be a thug.

Everybody cannot
be a thug.

I can't stand TV thugs.

You know what
a TV thug is?

Those the guys
who do what they see on TV

all day, every day.
All day, every day.

You ever see those guys.
"Yeah, nig'. What, nig'?"

You never seen
the dancing thugs?
Get out the car...

[babbles high-pitched]

"It ain't a game. You think
it's a game around here?
There ain't no game."

I don't like those guys.

I know real thugs.

My uncle is a real thug.

Certified.
Put a stamp on him.

Locked up 15 years.

Got out of jail,
ain't nothing changed.

Very serious.
When my uncle talk,
this is how he look.

I don't care what
he's talking about.
This is how he looks...

I don't care
what he's sayin'.

"Put the goddamn jelly
on the motherfuckin' sandwich.
Do it! Spread it!"

He's crazy.
He's crazy.

He's institutionalized, man.

You got to understand,
when you've been in jail
for 15 years,

all you know is jail.

Your mannerisms,
your language--

You eat, sleep,
and think jail.

Okay? Your threats
aren't even the same.

Whenever you threaten somebody,
they should know what's
about to happen.

It's a transition
into a fight.

"I'm sick of your ass.
Get up."

When they get up, they know
there's gonna be a fight.

Stuff my uncle says
leaves you in suspense.

They're like the worst
jail metaphors I've ever
heard in my life.

I don't even know
how to explain 'em. Okay?

He gets out of jail,
my brother calls me.

He said, "Kevin,
Uncle Richard Jr.
just got home."

I said,"What?
I'm on the first flight.
I'll be there in the morning."

I ain't seen him in 15 years.
I got to see him.

I get there,
my uncle's in the middle
of the living room.

I'm hyped to see him.
"Uncle Richard Jr.,
what up, baby?

15 years. That's
a long time, man.
How you been?"

I swear to God
this is what he said to me.

"Say it with your chest,
little-ass nigga!"

I didn't know what to say.
My brother came out of nowhere
and he grabbed me.

He was like, "Chill.
He's been saying this all day.

We don't know what it means.
Just wait a minute
till we figure it out."

Here's the thing, right?

I said, "I'm not gonna chill.
I'm gonna talk to him.

Y'all not talkin' to him."
I pulled him to the side

and said, "Look, Unc,
a lot of stuff has changed
since you've been gone, man.

I'm doing well.
I'm making good money now.

Let me take you out,
put you around some women,

get some drinks.
We'll have a good time."

He said, "All right, cool."
I take him to a lounge, right?

I'm at the bar. I'm drinking.
There's women around me.

I'm having a good time
I can't see him,

but I can hear him.

I can't see him,
but I can hear him.

Out of nowhere,
all I hear is

"I'm sick of this
motherfucker, man.

Kev, pin the tail
on his ass!"

"Is it his birthday?
Why would I do that?

W-why would I do that?
What do you mean?"

"Peel this motherfucker's
muffin cap back blue."

"Is that drink?
That's probably a drink.

Can I get a peel his
muffin cap back blue?"

"Say it with your chest!"

"Can I get a peel
his muffin cap--"

I didn't know what to do.
I was confused.

My family threw him
on me, man.

They threw him on me.

They said, "Kev, look,
you're making money.
Give him a job.

Give him a second
chance at life."
I said, "Fine.

You know what? I'm gonna
let him train me, okay?"

I was about
to go to Australia.
I was gonna film a movie.

I wanted to
get a little bigger.
Let him train me.

Reason why?
My uncle had that jail body.

Up top, solid.
Not a game. Rock hard.

Didn't work
on his legs that much.

Sometimes you could see him
struggling to keep
the top half up--

The stick legs.

Looked like this nigga was
tip drilling all the time.

"What are you doing, Unc?
Why you keep shakin' your ass?

What are you doing?
Relax your ass, man."

"I ain't shakin' it.
It's my legs."

Now for those of you
who do not understand the job
of a personal trainer,

I'll explain it to you.

A personal trainer's job
is to do what?

Motivate you, people,
make you feel

like you could do things
you never thought you could do.

Here's an example
of a personal trainer's
conversation.

"Come on, man.
You can do it.

Push it.
You got it.

Breathe.
Three more.

Last two.
Get it up.

Last one.
Good set.

Go wipe off."

That's a trainer
conversation.

Once again,
I didn't like the way

that he talked
to me, okay?

We're at the gym.
I'm on a weight bench.
I'm not gonna lie.

I'm struggling.
I couldn't get it.

[mimics grunting]
I couldn't get it.

Out of nowhere, he came up
right behind me, he was like,
"Close your mouth

before somebody come up,
put their dick in it
on the yard."

"What'd he say?
What'd he just say?

Somebody get the weights.
I just wanna ask him something.

Somebody get the weights.
Let me ask him something.

Uh, is that a dick
out behind me for real
or is he just joking?

No, if it is,
that's gotta change.
Somebody's got to put that up.

I'm not gonna work out
if that's gonna stay out.

I pay my membership
just like everybody else.

I don't need to see that
around here.

Fix it."

That's when I stopped
messing with him.

Hey, real quick.
This is not a joke.

Honestly, I want to know
what you guys think.

Be honest.
You don't gotta lie, okay?

This is true.
It's me being honest.

I'm opening up to y'all
for a second.

Does this make me gay?
I was at the mall, right?

And some guy saw me.
He was like, "Oh, Kev Hart.
What up, man?

I'm a big fan.
I love you, dude.

Funny as hell.
Keep doing you, man.
Swear to God. Funny."

[blows kiss] And I caught it.
Does that make me gay?

Does that
make me gay?

Does it make me gay?

I thought he was waving.
Put yourself in my shoes.
I thought he was waving.

By the time I realized
it wasn't a wave,
it was too late.

I was like, "Hey, man.
No no no. I got it.
Too late. Okay.

Umm."

It was weird.
What do I do now?
I just held it until he left

and then I set it down.

I didn't use it.
I set it down.

I swear to God.
I'll tell you the truth.
I didn't use it.

I didn't put it in my pocket.
I just set it down.

I wanted to be like
my uncle for a minute.

I did.
This is me being
honest with you guys.

Reason why? My uncle got
so much respect, man.

People feared my uncle.
I was like "I want that fear."

Don't nobody fear me.
People think I'm a bitch.

They do.
My lady think I'm a bitch.
Call me a bitch all the time.

"You a bitch!"
Right to my face.

This is my answer:
"So? Now what?

What happens now?"

Here's the thing.
It's not that I'm a bitch.
I'm just smart.

I don't put myself
in situations
where I'm not gonna win.

That don't make me a bitch.
Here's what really
pisses me off:

If I am a bitch,
that's our business.

Don't nobody know me.
You don't know me, man.

If me and you
get into an argument,
it don't matter what I say,

no matter what it is,
you got to believe me

'cause you don't know
what I'm capable of.

Same thing vice-versa.
Only way you could tell
if I was a bitch

is if somebody close
to me says something to set
an alarm off in your head.

That's the type of shit she do.
We're at dinner, right,

I'm a little drunk.
I'm not gonna lie.

I get into an argument
with this guy, hit him
with some thug shit.

"Say something else to me,
I'm gonna go to my car,

I'ma pop the trunk
on your bitch ass."

That means I'm gonna
go to my car, get a gun,

come back,
shoot this shit up.

When I said it,
she was like, "What you
gonna get, the car seat?"

"Bitch, what--

Oh, my God.

Why would you say that
out loud? Way to go.

Congratulations
on messing this up for me.

Congratulations."

Women, y'all make me
mad with that.

I'm gonna tell you what
pisses me off, ladies.

I hate the fact, women,
that you cannot control
your anger.

I hate it.
I really hate it.

Women, you need to learn
to put a cap on your anger.

You know what I mean
when I say "cap,"
sweetie? A cap.

It means a point
that you will never go above.

That's a cap.
Men, we have a cap.

What's the worst thing
you'll ever say to a woman?

-Shouldn't take
that long, fellas.
-[man in crowd] Bitch.

"Bitch." There you go.
Come in different levels.

[increasing pitches]
"Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!"

Different levels.

Different levels.
[chuckles]

Women, y'all don't
have a cap.

Like y'all try to cut so deep
when you get mad.

You want to mess with
a man's pride, his goals.

Y'all say stuff that
ain't nobody's business.

It's Christmas.
My mother's here.

You bring up personal stuff
'cause you got an attitude.

"Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, whatever.

Whatever. Fuck you,
pissin'-in-the-bed ass boy.

Uh-huh! What now?
That's right.

Go upstairs,
flip the mattress.

It's a big-ass piss stain
on the other side

'cause you don't know
how to control your bladder.

Boo-ya!
Right in front of your ma."

Now you gotta sit there
with the "She lyin'" face.

"What?
You're a liar.

No, you're a liar.
You're a liar.

That's Mountain Dew.
I didn't pee on anything."

That's the difference.
Ladies, y'all go too far.

When y'all get mad,
y'all see red.

Y'all go to the point
of no return, man.

Why do you grab
the steering wheel
while a man is driving?

Why? Why!

We both in the car.
You're gonna kill us both.

But you don't care
'cause you see red.

[falsetto]
"Fuck you!

[screams]

Kill us!
Kill us both!"

"Hey. Hey! Hey!

Kill your side, bitch.
Ain't no 'kill us.'

Us ain't mad.
You got the attitude."

I know women.
I can break women down, man.

I'm gonna
tell you guys something

that you're not gonna like,
but you need to hear it.

You need to hear it.
Not one woman in this room

likes for her man
to have a good time
when she's not around.

Not one.

It's a true statement.

I see some of y'all lookin'
at me with attitude.

Some of y'all
giving me attitude.

"Not true. I don't care.
Have fun." Shut up.
Kill yourself.

Let me tell you why.
Just listen.

Let me tell you why
I feel like this, okay?

I don't say anything
that I cannot prove.

That's your lady
right there, right?

If I'm wrong, sweetie,
tell me I'm wrong. Okay?

You ever been
out with your boys?
You're with your boys.

You ain't doing nothing wrong.
Ain't no women around.

You're having a good time
with your boys.

She call you
while you out.

When you pick up the phone,
she hears fun

in the background.

That's why they
get an attitude.
'Cause she hears fun.

You pick up the phone
having a good time.

[laughs]
"Hey, shut up, Steve!

Hey! No, hey,
I ain't gonna take
another shot.

No, hey!
[screeches]

Yo, I swear to God
that was like the best
night of my life.

I swear to God.

Hey.
Hey, what's up, babe?"

[flatly]
"You know what?
Nothing. Do you.

I haven't
got time for this.

Do you, boo boo.
Do you, boo boo.

You know why?
'Cause I'ma do me!

[shrieks]
Do you, boo boo!

Do you!

Every time I call
you always laughing.

[shrieks]
What the fuck
is so funny?

You laughing
at my stretch marks?"

"What? Nobody knows
you have stretch marks."

[shrieks]
"Whatever!"

Y'all crazy, man.

Y'all are crazy.

I'm very serious, man.

I'll-- I'll go
a step further.

For those people that
are not believers yet,
I'll go a step further.

Fellas, you ever
have a genuine laugh
around your lady?

I'm talking about
to where your stomach hurt.

You know the good laughs?
One of them.

[mimics laughter]

You ever look
at your lady's face?
See how mad she get

'cause she's not
a part of the laugh?

Look at her face.
You think I'm lying?

[mimics laughter]

"What the hell
are you laughing at?"
"I don't know.

I thought everything was cool.
I didn't know."

I know what
I'm talking about.

Ladies, I know what
you guys are thinking.
You're like, "Whatever.

Men, you do
the same thing too.

Y'all get an attitude
with us when we go out."

I'll tell you
something, ladies.
We don't really give a fuck.

Let me tell you why.
Hey, listen. Listen.

We don't.
It's all an act, okay?

If you guys could
see how much fun we have
when you leave the house

and we're alone--
there's so much fun stuff
that happens.

You'll never know
about this stuff.
It's just a good time.

We got to put on that show
so you feel like we care.

It's all a show.

"Babe, no.
Come on, babe.

Babe, please.
Every night with them.

Come on.
Spend time with me,
your man--

And the bitch is gone.
Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Oh oh, I'm by myself ♪

♪ What?
Oh, I'm by myself ♪

♪ What I'm gonna do?
What I'm gonna do? ♪

♪ I'ma beat my dick
I'm gonna beat my dick ♪

♪ I'ma get it
I'ma get it ♪

♪ Where the laptop at?
Where the laptop at? ♪

♪ I'ma get it
I'ma get it ♪"

That's what we do.

Soon as you leave,
there's so much filth
that goes down.

If you don't believe me--
if you don't believe me,
ladies,

next time you leave the house,
come back in five minutes.

I bet you catch him
doing nasty shit.

Bet money.
Bet money you catch him.

Soon as you leave,
come back in.

"Hey! Get the--
hey, girl.

I thought you said
you was going to work.
God damn it.

You got somebody with you?
Is somebody with you?

Wait a minute.
Let me clean up.

Let me blow
these candles out.

[blowing]
God damn it.

I thought you was
gonna be gone all day.

[blows]
Set up an evening
for myself,

you gonna come back
all fast.

Why didn't you ring a bell?
You don't ring bells?

You just gonna use a key
'cause you live here.

You are something else.

[chuckles]
Something else."

I know what
I'm talking about.

Ladies, I'm gonna be honest.
I understand you guys.

I really do.
I understand you guys.

Your biggest fear
is not being fun.

You don't ever want
your man to think that
you're not fun.

That's why you're always
looking for validation.

Always. You're always
looking for validation.

"Babe, I'm fun, right?

Huh? Babe, look.
Remember?

Right?
Remember that time?
Remember? Jump shot.

Remember, I was like,
'Ah, in your face.

Michael Jordan.'
Remember? No?"

See? That's why we try
to make you feel fun.

That's why we listen
to your stories.

To be honest,
I can't stand when
women tell stories.

I hate it.
It makes my balls itch.

I hate it.
I swear.

See, man,
it's just a bunch of words
with no plot, no middle,

no ending
and it's always angry.

Why are all your stories
so angry?

Everything
about work is mean.

How come nothing good
ever happens at work?

It's always bad.

"Babe, let me tell you
about this bitch Sabrina
at the office today.

Okay, first of all,
she comes in the office
with white stockings on

and black shoes.
Uh, excuse me, bitch,
Labor Day is over.

Huh? 'Scuse me. Boop.
Thank you.

Backspace.
Delete that. Uh-uh."

They start talking
about problems
going on in the office.

We don't fuckin' know.

"Let me tell you
what she did, baby.
She come to me

talking about,
'Uh, can you go print this
out the fax machine?'

'Uh, no.
I am an executive
administrative assistant,

Not your assistant.'"
We got to act like we know
what's going on.

"What?

She told you to print it
out the fax machine?

Uh-uh.
No, she didn't.

That bitch is crazy.
Not my baby."
"Thank you."

They all turn
into the computers.
"Thank you.

I told the bitch, 'Boop.
Backspace. No. L-O-L.

R-T-O-F-M-A-O.
Thank you.

Delete that.
M-T-F-O-M-O-F-O-H-S."

"What the fuck
did you just say?"

"Get the fuck
out of my face
is what I said.

We can't curse in
the office, baby." "Okay."

I don't understand
you guys.

I love you, but I don't
understand you.

But as men,
we have to.

I'm not gonna lie.
We're not perfect.

Men, we are not perfect.
I know I'm not perfect.

See, the reason why
I'm not perfect, ladies?

You've got a little
to do with that.

You put men on too high
of a pedestal.

Whatever pedestal
you have us on,
take us off.

It's too high.
We're never gonna meet
your expectations.

Take us off.
I'm serious.

Here's the thing about men:

Once you realize
we do dumb shit,

we're dumb sometimes,

We're gonna fuck up--
that's our nature as a man.

Once you guys realize that
we'll get along so much better.

If you don't believe me
that men do dumb shit
and don't realize it,

listen to 'em.
Listen to the answers
we give you

when we do dumb shit.

You ever hear how dumb
our answers are when
we do dumb shit?

"So you just gonna
sit down there at the pool
with all them naked bitches?"

"Well, I thought it was cool.
[mumbles]

Well, I'm waitin' on you
I'm waitin' on you
to come down."

This right here is the national
dumb nigga stance.

Whenever your man--
whenever he get bow-legged
and touch his face...

"I'm waitin'
on everybody else.

I'm thinkin' everybody
gonna eat the chips."

"What?

What are you
talking about, man?"

I know I'm not perfect.

I know I do dumb shit.
I do.

I can admit that.
I've never done
crazy stuff.

I ain't never put
my hands on my lady.
I never went that far.

I plunked her one time.
I did do that.

Right in the forehead.
Mm, it was solid.

It just jumped out my body.
I don't know where
it came from.

She was driving,
I'm like, "Bitch,
you think it's a game?"

You would've thought
I'd hit her in the head
with a bat.

She went...
[screams]

I was scared.
I thought I was going to jail.

"Hey, I'm sorry.
Get your plunk back.
Here. Get it.

Plunk me back.
Let's be even.

Come on.
Plunk me back.
I just wanna be even.

Please, please?
Can you please plunk me back?"

That's just me being honest.
There are certain things
I'm not good at.

I'm not a good
storm-outter, people.
I can admit that.

For those who do not know
what storming out is,

that's when you
leave the house angry.

"I'm sick of this! I'm gone!"
Slam the door.

Boom!
The purpose of storming out

is to leave the illusion
in your lady's head

that you're never
coming back.

When you slam the door,
she's supposed to break down.

Soon as you slam the door.
"I'm gone!" Boom!

She breaks down.
This is my impression
of a woman breaking down.

"No. Oh, my God,
please, don't.

No. No,
don't do this to me.

No, every time I do this,
you do this.

No."
[mumbles]

I hate when women cry
and try to talk.

I can't stand that shit.

"I ain't wanna do that.
I ain't tryin' to do nothing."

I look like the first
slave to ever walk.

"I don't want to do nothing.
I was just trying..."
[mumbles]

It's too much.

I'm gonna tell you why
I'm not a good storm-outter.

You know why?
Because I forget stuff.

You can't storm out
and forget shit,

'cause you got to go back,
get the shit you forgot.

You look stupid.
Trust me, fellas.
I know from experience.

You leave angry--
"I'm sick of this, man!
I'm done!

I don't care!
I'm done! Forget you!

Forget the house.
I'm out!" Boom!

"Don't give a shit, man.
My keys. God damn it.

My keys on the thing.

Babe, let me get my keys
on the top of the thing.

I left my keys up
on the top of the thing.
Please."

I need my keys.

I need my keys
'cause I got to
get in my car.

When I get in my car,
I get my car on,

step on the gas,
make the tires burn out.

[mimics tire screech]
Reason why I do that?

Women, you can't handle it.
You break down
after a while.

"Oh, my God, no.
He's gonna kill himself.

No, no.
Don't do it.

Do the speed limit,
please. No.

Every time..."

[chuckles]
That's my impression
of women.

Had to get out of there.
Tell you another reason why

I can't storm out
of the house correctly.

My son always
want to come.

Can't storm out with a kid.
It take too long.

A storm out's
gotta be fast.

In and out.
Boom boom, quick.

My son be at the door.
"Mm mm."

"No! No!
Stay with your mother."
[mimics fussing]

"Boy, God damn it,
stay with your ma."

This is when women
try to use kids
as ammunition.

"Look at you,
you piece of shit.

You can't even take
your son with you.

He want to go with his dad,
but you can't even take
your son with you."

Now I can't be
a piece of shit.
I've got to prove a point.

I got to take him.
I'll tell you
something, fellas,

you look stupid when you
try to keep your attitude

and get a baby's
shit together.

You look dumb.

From experience,
you look stupid.

"I don't give a shit.
I'll take him.

Get the diaper bag.
Put the sippy cup and shit
in the bag.

Put the change of clothes
and shit in the bag."

This is when I knew
I looked stupid.

When I did this
with the diaper bag,

"Bitch, you think
I give a fuck about you--

Let me tell you something,
you got another thing coming."

When I swung the diaper bag
over my shoulder--

"You got another
goddamn thing coming

if you think
I give a shit."

It wasn't good, man.

This is me
speaking the truth.

See, I can talk
about relationships.

I've been in one for years.
I know relationships.

I see a lot of couples
here together. Man,

you guys don't understand
what you're in.

You don't know
how serious it is.

I don't mind seeing couples.
I don't like
seeing new couples.

I can't stand new love.
I hate it.

That's me being honest.
It's too much.

I don't like over-love.

You ever see those couples
that go too far,
that's too much?

You ever see a couple
that's in love, like,
newly in love, try to share?

You ever witness that?

"Hey, babe.
Hey. Babe.

Hey, love button.

Hey, I got a little bit
of juice left.

You want some juice?

Yeah? You wanna take a sip,
I'll take a sip,
you take a sip?

You want to do it
like that?

You wanna go
'sip sip sip' like that
back and forth?

Yeah? Go ahead.
Take a sip.

Ah. Give it to me.

[babbles]
You do it.

[babbles]

Same time. Do it.
Your nose is in the way.

No, your nose
is in the way.
[babbles]

I love you."
[babbles]

Too much.
I fuckin' hate it.

I like older couples.

I like couples
that's got time in, man.

You know why?
'Cause I like to see
those couples argue.

Couples with time in,
small problems become
big problems.

If you've got time in,

right now,
juice can become a problem.

Let you go buy some juice
and she's with you while
you buy the juice.

You go outside, open up
the juice, she asks for a sip
of your juice...

Bet money you lose your mind
over that sip of juice.

Bet money you snap.
Soon as you get outside,
"Babe, let me get a sip."

"Uh, bitch, didn't you
just see me buy the juice
when I was inside?

So if you wanted some juice,
why didn't you ask
for some juice?

Now you want
a sip of my juice,
fuck around,

take a double sip,
I'm left with a little ass sip

'cause your over-thirsty ass
want to take a double sip.

No, get your own juice.
Walk your fat ass inside,

you sippin'-juice bastard.

You wasn't even
thinking about juice."

That'll be
on your mind all day.

Seven hours later,
you'll bring it back up.

"A sip of my goddamn juice.
You are something else,
you know that?

You are something else.
You weren't even thinking
about the juice."

I got into an argument
over mashed potatoes one time.

We almost broke up.

I'm very serious.
You know what I don't play?

I don't play that picking off
my plate stuff, ladies.

Don't pick off my plate.
I'm very serious.

I don't like it.
In the beginning, men,
we have to do it.

The reason why
we have to do it?

It's because we're still
trying to impress you.

So we go overboard.
"Hey, you want a little piece?

Yeah?
You want me to cut it?

Yeah, I'll cut it.
I'll give you all this.

I'll just leave this
little piece for myself.

Yeah. No no no.
I probably should eat
the whole thing

'cause I'm a diabetic,
but no, I just want you
to be happy.

Yeah. You should
definitely drive home.

I can't see.
It's a little blurry."

We go overboard.
I'm gonna tell you
why I got mad, right?

We're at a restaurant
getting ready to eat dinner.

Her food comes out
before mine. She says,
"Babe, you want me to wait?"

I said, "No, eat your food.
Mine'll be out.

Don't worry about it."
She's eating.

I don't ask
for any of her food.

"Enjoy your food, babe."
My food comes out.

He says, "Enjoy your meal."
I said, "Thank you, sir."

I take my napkin, fop,
put it on my lap.

The reason I go fop, it's big
to me 'cause I'm small.

It takes up a lot of space.

So I bow my head
to say my grace.

As I'm saying my grace,
I hear a metal fork
on my plate.

"Uh, bitch, you can't
wait till I'm done
talking to Jesus

before you gotta touch
my goddamn plate?"

You know how mad
that shit made me?

"Take the goddamn food, bitch!"

I snapped.
I get mad fast.

Little shit pisses me off.
Takes a lot of patience, man.

Whole lot of patience
to be in a relationship.

I'm understanding that now.
I'm understanding that
in a relationship,

things will change, people.
Nothing stays great forever.

Sex will change.

In the beginning,
it's amazing.

You know why?
Men, we're creative.

We're spontaneous.
We've got a bunch of stuff
we want you to do.

"Come on, babe,
let's do this.
Let's try this."

We've got a whole
bunch of stuff.

But after a while, fellas,
we get repetitive.

We start to do the same thing
over and over again.

Your lady will never
tell you this.

You got to be a real man.
You got to check your ego

to figure this out.
I'm gonna tell you how
you can tell

if you've been doing
the same stuff for years.

She ever get into a position
before you put her in it?

Think about it.

Just think about it a second.
That's how you can tell.

That's how
they mess with you.
You'll be having sex,

She's like...
[moaning]

"You want me
to turn over, right?
I knew it.

Same thing since '88.
You ain't changed."

She start answering questions
before you ask 'em.

"It's yours."
"I ain't say shit."
"You're about to.

You say the same thing
every time my ass
get up in the air.

You're about to come.
Watch, here it come.

You came?
I told you. High-five.

What'd I tell you?
I know my man.
Give it to me.

Up top."
Your dumb ass
get up dancing.

"You're goddamn right.
I tore that thing up."

No, you didn't.
No, you didn't.

It's the same dumbass moves
that you've been doing.

I know I'm not good
at sex anymore.
I know it.

No need for me to lie.
We've been together
too long.

I'm not gonna lie.
I've tried to rekindle
this flame, people.

I have.
I tried to spice it up.

Tried having
phone sex and stuff,

but it's hard for me. Okay?
I've got too many people
in my house.

I got kids,
I got a nanny.

I got to call
at the right time.

I call one time,
she picked up.

I was like,
"Babe, what you doin'?"

She said,
"Nothing. Laying down"

I said, "Why don't you
lick your finger and touch
your nipple?"

She said, "What?"
I said, "Shut up.
Just do it."

Out of nowhere,
all I heard was,

"Daddy, you want me
to do mine too?"

"Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Is that the baby
on the phone?

Well, what the hell
is the baby doing on
the goddamn phone?"

When I came home,
it's like, "Daddy!"

"Hey, no!

No! Come here.
That's gay!

Come here.
Let me tell you something!"

I didn't know what to do.

I did not know
what to do.

It's a difficult time
for me.

I'm gonna
tell you something.

I'm gonna tell you
where all of my
sex advice comes from.

My grandpop.
My grandpop gives me
the best advice ever.

I love my grandpop to death.
I wish everybody could
meet my grandpop.

If you're lucky enough
to have your grandparents
in your life,

and you wanna laugh--
listen to me.

Shouts out to all y'all
with grandparents.

If you got a grandparent
in your life

and want to laugh,
ask your grandpop--
just see what he say--

Say, "Grandpop,
when's the last time
you had some ass?"

Just to see--
just to see what he says.

I promise you it'll be
the funniest shit you ever
heard in your life.

My grandpop never answered.
He just said a bunch of stuff.

Like, this is not a joke.
This is what he said.

I said, "Grandpop,
when's the last time
you had some ass?"

This is exactly what he said:
"Hey hey, look at me.

Okay?
Hey hey.

Hey. What'd I do?
You know what I did.

All right? Okay?
Let me tell you something.

I put that key in that door
and locked that motherfucker,
didn't I?

Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her
that goddamn 'wha-whan,'

Yes, I did. Yes, I did!
Look at my eyes.
Roll 'em."

"What? What does
any of that mean?

What did you just say?

What did you say,
Grandpop?"

I'm telling you, man,
he's funny.

My grandpa's one of those
old down-south old men.

When my grandpa cuss,
he pronounce every letter
in the cuss word.

"Sh-ee-it-tt!"
Like he's serious.

He's serious old, man.

Let me tell you.
This is what he does
every day.

All my grandpop do every day--
he just stand
at the screen door

and just complain
and shit.

He just fuss all day.

"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look.

Look, look, look at this.
Somebody come look at this.

Look at this.
Somebody come look at this.

Look at this.

Goddamn cat drinking milk
out the bowl.

Get out the bowl!"
This is what makes me laugh.

After he yell at somethin',
he stare at it for a long time.

"Get out the bowl!"

[audience laughing]

[applauding]

He was asleep.
He fell asleep.

I wish y'all
could see him.

Kids be teasin' him.

Kids are mean, man.

Why are kids so mean?

'Cause they know he can't
get out the screen door.

They tease him.
They come up to the door.

Shit.
He gets so mad.

[mimics splutter]

Have you ever seen
an old person

get real pissed off
till they start making
them noises?

[mimics splutter]

"What?
What'd he say?"

"He's just angry.

He's an angry old man."

I saw my grandpop fall
one time.

Funniest shit I've ever
seen in my life.

Took my grandpop
47 seconds to fall.

It took too long.
It took way too long.

It's funny,
but it's not funny.

I'm gonna show you
exactly what I saw.

This is how my grandpa fell.
This is exactly what I saw.

Ahh...

I got tired of watching.
I just kicked it.
"Stop. Let go.

Stop it. Stop it.
It could have been over.

You've not even
got that far. Stop.

It's too much,
Grandpop."

Watching people fall
is funny.

When was the last time
you really fell?

"Oh, oh, oh!"
One of those.

"Oh, no, no!"

Hey, Shaq, when you fall
during the games,

it's the funniest shit
I've ever seen in my life.

Hey, you ever see his legs
after he fall?

Next time, look.
I'm telling you, y'all.

Next time you watch
a game and he fall,
this exactly what he do.

Look, it's always
something stupid.

He go up to get a rebound,
he don't get it.
"Oh. No."

LeBron. This is LeBron.
Look at him.

"God damn it, Shaq.
Get your ass-- shit, man.

Get up."
"I didn't know.
I didn't know."

[laughing]

Okay, one more, one more.

Shaq, this is how
you fall frontwards.

"Hey, no.
Oh, God, please."

Holy shit!
Holy shit!

Oh, y'all got to look
at the coach's face.

Y'all don't watch
the right shit, man.

This is Shaq falling
and this is the coach.

"Somebody help his ass up.

LeBron, get him up!"

[mumbles gruffly]

"No, no, no.

I pushed him too hard."

I told you I was gonna
fuck with you.

I'm gonna tell y'all,
the fucked-up part
about that joke?

I fucked my knee up just now.
That shit hurt.

That shit hurt
so goddamn bad.
I tried to run it off.

That shit locked up
on me, didn't it?

That age is coming out.
That shit hurt like hell.

Talking about people falling.

Tell you who else is funny
to watch fall.

Women, you don't fall,
you buckle.

I like watching
you guys buckle--
that heel.

Fop fop.
I like that.

That heel get hold of y'all.
Fop fop real quick.

Oh, that's the funniest
shit ever to me.

Y'all don't know
how to play it off.

Y'all don't know--

They don't know
what to do so they try
to stay regular.

It's always
on a cute night. "No, girl.
They talkin' 'bout--

Tonight-- no, no, bitch.

Please, get the--
get the heel.

No, it's slushy.
It's slushy.

Get the heel
back there, please."

Or y'all do--
or y'all do that shit--

Or y'all do that shit
where y'all miss a step.

You ever see a girl
miss a step?

She don't fall down the steps.
Y'all ride 'em.

"N-n-no."
Y'all do that right there?

"N-n-no, no, no.
N-n-no."

You ever notice there's always
a pervert guy to catch you?

"N-n-no."
"I got you.
God damn. I got you.

Oh, damn it.
God damn.

You almost fell,
didn't you?

I got you.
No, I got you
by your titties.

That's what I caught
you by-- your titties.

Jesus.

I've never seen
anybody fall like that.

That was good.
I caught her right there.

Did you see how I caught her?
Her titty was in my hand."

I'm joking around
and making fun of
people falling,

old people and stuff,
but I can do that.

Know why? 'Cause
I have old people
in my life that I'm close to.

My road manager and I
are very close.

He's older. He's old.
We fight a lot though.

It's kind of
like a relationship.
Been around me for years.

He was with me before money
even came into the picture.

He's the one scrambling
up for me.

When you're around
somebody for so long,

naturally you start
to butt heads.

Little shit annoy you.

I don't like
the way he sneezes.

I don't like it.

I swear to God,
when he sneeze,
it's a close call.

You think
he's about to die.

This is how he sneeze.
I'm not bullshitting.

It's the scariest shit
I've ever heard in my life.

[mimics raucous sneeze]

I've never seen nobody
catch their breath
from a sneeze.

He's old though, man.

He does so much shit
that pisses me off.

I don't like it
when people are slow.
He's very slow.

When you get in the car,
how long does it take
you to pull off?

A couple seconds, right?

Okay.
It took him 25 minutes
to pull off the other day.

I'm dead serious.
I can't--

I can't tell you.
I got to show you.

But don't make me
laugh, okay?

I'm gonna show you
exactly what he did.

Okay.
I'm in the car.
I'm in the passenger seat.

I got my seatbelt on.
I'm ready for him.

All he's got to do
is get in the car, pull off.

I'm gonna show you
exactly what he did.
Don't make me laugh though.

"All right.
Let's go.

[grunts]
Okay.

[mimics sneeze]

Oh. Oh, no.

Okay.
Hey, hey.

Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin.

Hey.
Hey, hey, Kevin.

Look where they at."

Now I don't wanna laugh
'cause I wanna see what
he's gonna say

about taking so long, right?
I'm telling you,
this is exactly what he did.

I'm not bullshitting.
"Oh God. All right.

All right, let's go.
All right.

Got it.
All right, got it.

Got it.

Got it.

You ready? You ready
to get on out of here?"

"What the f-- yes.
I'm waiting on you.
Come on."

This is the shit
that pissed me off.
He's all, "Let's go.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha."

What the fuck is this?

"Why are you shooting at me?"
That shit made me so mad.

Like "What the fuck?
Don't put your hands
in my face.

You're being an asshole.
Just drive, man.

Don't say shit to me.
Just drive the car."

That is the only time
I've ever cussed at Nate.

He'd never got mad
to the point where
he'd cuss back.

This is the first time
he ever cussed back at me.

I could tell how old he was
by the way he cussed at me.

This is what he said:
"Let me tell you
something, sucka.

Hey! Listen, jack,

you ain't nothing
but a piece of cheese
without the corners.

In other words,
you ain't never gonna be
a slice, bitch."

"What did you
just say to me?"

"You heard what
the fuck I said."

Here's the thing--
I give Nate a lot of shit.

I tease Nate a lot, okay?

But at the end of the day,
he's got my back.

I know he does.
Nate'd take a bullet
for me if he had to.

How do I know this?
'Cause it's been confirmed.
All right?

Nate-- We was in
Dallas, Texas, all right?

Me, Nate, my boy, Harry,

Wayne, Spank--
my lady was with me.

We having a good time.
We do a show, we're at
the after party.

We gettin' it in.

♪ Mmm mmm
Get money ♪

♪ Mmm mmm
Get money ♪

We gettin' it in, right?

I look up,
the owner of the club,

he got my lady by the arm,
her girlfriend
by the other arm,

he's throwing them out.
I saw it happen,

but I acted like I didn't
'cause I didn't want to
be a part of it.

I didn't want
to be involved.

So, my boy Wayne
was like, "Yo, he got
your girl by the arm."

I said, "What? Chill.
Don't nobody do shit.
I got it."

I run up to him.
I say, "Don't put your
hands on my lady, man."

I pushed him.
He didn't go back that far,

but it was
a good push for me.
It was all I had.

When I did it,
he was like, "Security!"

Security guards came up,
grabbed me, put me in
a full-nelson.

Now you know how
you think you making
somebody struggle?

Like, you know
how you think you give 'em
a hard way to go?

I thought I was,
but I wasn't.

I was just moving my face.
I was like...

[grunts]

So now in my mind, I'm like,
"Where is Wayne at?"

That's my security guard.
That's who I pay for shit
like this not to happen.

On cue, Wayne and my boy
Spank come running up,

they grab
the security guards.
They're like, "Get off him.

Let him go."
Now I hear 'em.

I'm still in a full-nelson,
but I hear my friends,

so I feel better.
I know I'm safe now.

But before they let me go,
the owner, he mushes me!

He puts his hand on my face.
"I said get the fuck
outta here."

Mushed me.
I never had nobody
put their hand on my face.

I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how
to get it off.

I panicked.
I panicked.

I licked his palm.

I licked the shit
out of his palm.

"Get your hands...
Off my face."

He was like...
[guttural grunt]

Then they let me go.
Now I'm free,

but I'm not leaving
'cause I don't want him
to think I'm a bitch.

So I run back up to him.

I'm like, "Yo, man,
don't put your hands
on my face.

You don't know me like that."
As I'm talking to him,

I'm like, "Oh shit,
he's in a fighting stance.

Kev, he about to hit you.
Protect yourself.

Better yet,
hit him first."

I throw a punch.
Punched him right in the face.

Bow! Never hit nobody
in the face before.

I was excited.
I celebrated.

I was like,
"Yeah, bitch.
You don't want it.

Real niggas.
All day.

D-block. All day.

By myself.
Gun on my waist.

Smile on my face.
In jail.

One bed.
One blanket.

You wanna go
night-night, nigga?

You wanna
go night-night, nigga?"

So now he tries
to tackle me.

As I'm in my speech,
he tackles me.

I'm like, "Why would you
tackle me? I'm small.

I got a low
center of gravity."
I get him off me.

I start uppercutting him.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Whipping his ass.
He realizes that he's losing.

He tries to call
his security guard back.

"Thomas, Thomas,
come help."

I look over.
Wayne, my security guard--

Wayne got a real big stomach.
Wayne had Thomas
on the wall.

When I looked over,
this is exactly what I saw:

Wayne was like,
"What you doin'?
Where you goin'?

No, what you doin'?
Where you gonna go?
What you doin'?"

It didn't look good.
I didn't know if he
was helping me

or helping his self.
I never brought it back up.

I didn't want to know.
So now reality has kicked in.

I'm like, "Oh, shit,
I'm in Dallas, Texas.

If I get arrested out here,
I'm not getting out of jail

till, like, Tuesday."
I'm like, "Yo, let's go.

Get the car.
Nate, get the car!
Let's go!"

This is how I knew
Nate was O.G.

Nate got the car,
pulled the car up on the curb,

blocked the whole
curb off, right?

I've never seen Nate
this hype in my life.
He was hype as shit.

He's like, "Hey!
Get Kev in the car!

Hurry up, man!
Hurry up before the cops come.

Somebody grab his head,
push his head down so
they don't see him."

When he said that,
I was like, "Oh, shit.
Nate used to be a killer.

How else would
he know what to do

in a situation
like this?

I don't even know
who he is anymore."
Then he snaps on me.

"I can't believe you, Kevin.
You got a career!

You doin' television,
you doin' movies.

You gonna jeopardize that shit
for a street fight?

That's stupid!
Let's go!

Hurry up, man!
Hurry up 'fore the cops come.

We don't have time.
Y'all wanna do what
y'all wanna do.

We got to get the hell
out of here.

We don't have
this type of time."

[mimics siren]
We never pulled off.
We got locked up on the spot.

Cleveland, I love y'all.
My name's Kev Hart.
Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[closing theme music playing]