Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (2013) - full transcript

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

This is Harry GoodSpeed

and the Plastic Cup Boyz,

here at the Kevin Hart mix

and mingle afterparty, baby.

It's going down.

Let's go, baby!

Hey, yo, that little jackass

right there dancing!

Hey, come on, get this!

(GRUNTING)



Craziness, as usual. Crazy.

Yo, I'm about to make a toast.

You trying to roll?

No, no. I got some girls in

the stairway waiting for me.

All right, well...

Ew! Nasty ass.

Brian, come on.

And stop leaving me, jackass!

Spank, I'm about to

make a toast, yo.

Hey! Hey, yo! Yo!

Everybody, real quick.

Let me get your attention.



Welcome to my mix

and mingle event, everybody.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Yeah, that's right, boy!

We're toasting

to a great year, man.

It's been a great year for me.

We're gonna have

a blast tonight.

Drinks are free,

it's all on me.

MAN: What up, Big K!

It's a celebration!

(ALL CHEERING)

Have fun, everybody!

Kevi-Kev! Baby boy!

What's up, baby?

How you feeling, baby?

Good to see you.

Hey, thank you for inviting

a dapper brother like me.

No problem, man.

They say you ain't been

talking to your dad.

Is that shit true?

No. Let me explain something

to you. Listen, that's not...

Get your shit together.

No. No, dude. Hey, hey.

I can explain what...

Hey, boo!

Wow! How you doing?

Is it true you don't fuck with

dark-skinned bitches no more?

Huh?

You ain't even

dark-skinned!

Let me explain

something to you.

No, no, no, no.

I said... Wait, now.

I don't wanna hear it.

Neither do my girls.

Do your girls?

Listen, let me talk to you.

(ALL ARGUING)

What are you doing, man?

You got some goddamn nerve!

Get your ass over here, man.

That girl be yelling at me.

I can fucking yell back.

Nigga, you asked for that!

That's the price of fame.

That's the dumbest shit

I've ever heard.

I can't deal

with you, man.

I need somebody to talk some

sense into your dumb ass.

Harry.

Yo, Spank!

KEVIN: That's stupid

for you to get Spank.

Yo!

Listen,

jackass over here mad,

'cause he can't compare

to Eddie Murphy.

What was that?

What?

First, quiet. First of all, I

never said anything like that.

Dude!

That's the price of fame.

What the fuck are you talk...

I never said...

Let me explain something

to you, Spank.

What I just said...

Ain't nobody trying

to hear that shit.

Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, Na'im!

Fucking Kev over here

getting upset

because Soul Plane bombed.

It bombed. It flopped.

That was yesterday!

NA'IM: That's the price

of fame. You asked for this.

Kev, Kev.

Kevin motherfucking Hart.

Who the fuck is this?

No. Hold on, man.

Listen, I'm a fan.

Oh, thank you.

But only in America.

What?

You ain't shit until

you perform in Paris.

KEVIN: Okay.

Old LAB-ass nigga.

Local-ass bitch.

(MEN PROTESTING)

Come on, y'all.

(ALL ARGUING)

Hey, Terry! Hey!

Get him out of here!

Hey! Hey!

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

KEVIN: I can't believe

this shit, man.

Whoo!

You got to be kidding me.

I can't even enjoy myself at

my own mix and mingle party.

I put this party together!

(CHUCKLES)

Why can't I enjoy myself?

'Cause I'm dealing

with a bunch of people

who wanna tell me

about my life.

Why you gonna talk

to yourself? You know what?

Be a man

and confront somebody.

Want me to explain myself?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

That's exactly what I'mma do.

Nate! Nate!

Where's Nate at?

Y'all seen Nate? Nate!

Come here.

(SIGHS)

I know what

I wanna do.

I want you to call the Garden,

tell them

I'm coming down there

to get some shit

off my chest right now.

Kevin, all this food,

and you want Olive Garden,

man? For real?

Nate, ain't nobody talking

about no goddamn Olive Garden.

I'm talking about

Madison Square Garden, Nate.

Tell them I'm coming

down there right now

to explain some shit.

We can't just call the Garden.

God damn it, Nate!

What are you doing?

Okay, look,

we don't go back and forth.

That's not why I pay you.

Okay, I pay you to do

what I ask you to do.

Right now, what I'm asking you

to do needs to get done.

So do it!

Kev, you know how many people

Madison's gonna hold?

God, Nate, if I...

Why am I going

back and forth

with you? Huh?

Is that your job? You don't

go back and forth with me.

Nate, I'll punch you.

I'll double-punch your face,

and I'll break

both of your eyes.

You seriously the boss, Kev,

all right.

You're goddamn right

I'm the boss.

And let me tell you

something about the boss.

Sometimes,

when the boss gets hungry,

he turns into an elephant.

Which means

he needs some nuts.

And right now,

I'm about to get some nuts.

Exactly what does that mean,

though, Kev?

Shut this party down.

Right now.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Shut the party down.

Madison Square Garden.

This nigga crazy.

I'm about to go to Madison

Square Garden and explain.

Nate's setting it up

right now.

Don't try to talk me out

of it! I'm doing it right now!

Don't try to stop me!

Oh, shit!

Don't try to stop me!

Hey, Kev, hold on!

Well then, try and stop me!

I'm going!

HARRY: Hey, Kev,

what you doing, man?

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

What the fuck you doing, man?

Don't be touching my shit!

Shut your ass up, man.

Everybody, listen up!

This party's officially over.

Kevin's about to go

to Madison Square Garden

'cause he wants to explain.

Good night.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

MAN 1: Shall we go?

MAN 2: Where?

He's going to explain!

(ALL CLAMORING)

WOMAN: Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

SPANK: Kev! Wait!

MAN 3: Oh, shit. Move, bitch!

(PANTING) Okay.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Oh, hell no!

Why this motherfucker

didn't take the elevator?

God damn it. I should have

took the elevator.

HARRY: Kev! What you doing?

KEVIN: Get your goddamn

hands off me.

But the Garden?

You gonna do the Garden?

You're damned right

I'mma do the Garden!

Man, he crazy.

Why shouldn't I?

It's gonna be 30,000 people

at the Garden, my nigga.

There's 30,000 goddamn people

at the Garden?

Well, didn't nobody

tell me that.

I'm out, I'm out. Right now.

I'm going. I'm about to leave.

To the Garden.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(EXHALES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Phew!

Relax. Breathe, Kevin,

you are fine.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You're ready for this.

Okay? It's time!

It's time that

you explained this shit.

Is it true you don't fuck with

dark-skinned bitches no more?

Why would I not like

dark-skinned girls?

I don't even know

where that came from.

I'm friends with so many

dark-skinned girls. So many.

My daughter's dark-skinned!

I love my daughter. So I guess

I don't love my daughter?

(CHUCKLES)

Boy, I will tell you.

WOMAN: I heard

his little ass don't even

talk to his ex-wife no more.

Okay, me and my ex-wife

are friends!

What are you talking about?

"The divorce,

did Kevin change?"

"Oh, he Hollywood now.

"Kevin Hollywood now,

'cause he got a divorce."

Please. We're friends.

We're applicable.
(Amicable)

I hope I said that word right,

'cause I don't even know.

But we are.

That's the best thing

about being a comedian,

I can address it.

I can talk about it

my damn self.

MAN: Hey, look!

It's that hysterical comedian,

Kevin Hart.

Yeah, well...

There ain't no way to

explain that. That's just...

It's a bad day.

Old LAB-ass nigga.

Okay, okay,

now that's enough...

Local-ass bitch.

I'm not gonna tolerate that.

Not after what

I've been through this year.

You're not gonna call me

no LAB, no "local-ass bitch."

You know why?

I traveled the world

doing comedy, people. I did!

You know what,

I don't like the fact that

I'm telling you this.

I would much rather show you.

Look for yourself, people.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

This is my second time

coming back here,

and you guys have shown me

nothing but love.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Awesome.

Kevin Hart

is the funniest man alive.

ALL: ♪ You ain't got no daddy

♪ You ain't got no daddy

♪ You ain't got no daddy ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Thank you for the love.

Thank you for the support.

We totally love him.

Keep coming!

It was amazing.

I love Kevin.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

I fucking love you, Toronto!

Thank you!

The show was awesome!

It was great.

We love you, Kevin Hart!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I feel such genuine...

You have no idea how much

I love and appreciate y'all

for the fucking support that

you guys have given me.

HARRY: You about to shit,

ain't you?

No, no.

Ain't no shitting on the bus.

HARRY: It is if it's shitting

on a good bus.

No shitting on a bus.

HARRY: Downstairs?

No, ain't no shitting

on the bus at all.

I'm calling a team meeting

right now.

No shitting.

No shitting on the bus, dude.

I can't, man! I shit

at least seven times a day.

When they gotta shit,

we'll pull over and go to...

HARRY: So we can pull over?

Yeah.

KEVIN: Yeah. We ain't telling

you to shit on yourself!

Well, I will.

I got a rule.

A nigga shit on a bus,

you gotta pay that $500.

HARRY: $500 to take a shit?

NA'IM: That's a fine.

So, how do I say,

"What's up, everybody?"

(MAN TRANSLATING IN NORWEGIAN)

(REPEATING IN

BROKEN NORWEGIAN)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Okay. Now, how many people

know who I am? Ask them.

(SPEAKING NORWEGIAN)

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: I love Kevin Hart!

Let me say,

let me say something.

I have never been

to Oslo in my life.

Never, ever.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And the first time

I come here,

you guys welcome me

with a sold-out show.

Genuinely,

I fucking thank you.

I loved him in Soul Plane.

Definitely his best work.

Well, Kevin, you're awesome.

It was nice

seeing you in Denmark.

Yeah. We'll miss you, and you

definitely need to come back.

All right, all right,

all right!

(WOMEN SPEAKING SWEDISH)
- WE LOVE YOU KEVIN HART!
- YOU AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Amsterdam!

Thank you for the love.

Thank you for the support.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

KEVIN: You wanna see

if niggas is weird or not?

Be on a bus with them

for 10 hours.

You're gonna see

a lot of shit.

SPANK: We've been driving

for eight hours.

We could have been there

in one on a goddamn plane.

I think it was

a smart decision.

Man, this is the dumbest shit

he ever did.

NA'IM: Don't nobody do this.

He's still the same

dumb motherfucker he was

goddamn 27 years ago.

Just look like a bunch of

idiots on a double-decker bus.

Either get on a plane

for two and a half hours,

or take a bus for 10 hours

and be with your friends

and talk to one another.

Some people on here stink.

There's a stench from hell.

It's just a lot of

funky-ass...

It's like gumbo.

...ill-hygiene-ass niggas

on this bus.

It's fucking disgusting.

That's why I stay back here

in the quarters, you know.

Me and my lady,

we lay back here in comfort.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hey, the tour bus

was a mistake!

Birmingham,

you guys are amazing.

Thank you for the love.

I'm out.

It was chill!

The show was hilarious.

I love you!

That was amazing.

(BOTH SCREAM)

That was a brilliant show.

Kevin! Whoo!

...all the way. You gotta

see him, you gotta see him.

Brilliant. Excellent.

He's sexy in real life.

All right, all right!

I'm gonna marry you.

Whoo!

Kevin!

Come back to the U.K. and

smash it again, Kevin Hart.

The guy is good all the time.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Wow! London, this is crazy!

I can't believe this, man.

I came here and sold out.

I appreciate you all.

I love you all.

I really feel like

Kevin has grown into

the young mogul

that he really wants to be.

MAN 1: Kevin was a guy

that was true to his story.

He knew where he came from,

he knew where he wanted to go.

NA'IM: I've seen

where we started.

And to see him go from

a hole-in-the-wall bar

in Atlantic City

to performing

in front of 15,000 people,

you know,

you gotta take your hat off.

MAN 2: I mean,

he can go into Norway,

and Sweden and Denmark,

and get the reception

that he's getting.

He's becoming a global brand.

Everything he's done, we've

pretty much seen on YouTube.

YouTube.

On YouTube, everything.

I saw him on YouTube and

I thought he was hilarious.

But I've seen his stuff in

YouTube, and I love that, man.

I've seen, like,

every show on YouTube.

I've seen all your shows

on YouTube, man!

MAN 3: I'm some thousand miles

away in other countries,

and the love that

this cat is getting...

HARRY: He's so loyal.

Like, he doesn't want

anybody to feel like

he's not there for them.

This is a team.

This has been running

for four years strong,

and we all work good together.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HEART BEATING)

KEVIN: God,

be that angel in my corner

like you always are.

(HEART CONTINUES BEATING)

Mom, I know

you're watching over me,

and I know you're proud. Amen.

(AIR HISSING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

I know

I'm in Madison Square Garden.

This shit is sold out.

Y'all better make

some fucking noise!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

I'm gonna say it again.

I know I'm in fucking

Madison Square Garden.

This bitch sold out.

Y'all better make

some fucking noise!

(CHEERING)

Uh...

You see my fire?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You got to be a big deal

to have fire, people.

It means I'm a big

goddamn deal.

Let me tell you

why I got fire.

Let me tell you why.

I went to go see Jay-Z

and Kanye perform, right?

These niggas

had a bunch of fire.

I was like,

"Yo, this show is the shit,

"'cause they got fire."

No comedian has ever had fire.

I'm about to be

the first comedian

with some fucking fire.

So...

Because of that,

throughout my show,

you're gonna see

a bunch of pointless fire.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You're laughing? I'm not

playing. I'm dead serious.

You think it's a game?

Give fire for these bitches

one time.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

There's about to be

a bunch of fucking fire.

This show's gonna be hot.

Literally.

Um...

Lot of shit

to talk about, man.

I wanna talk about the fact

that I'm happy.

I'm happy right now, people.

Uh...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I wanna explain why I'm happy.

First of all,

my divorce is final.

That's the first reason why.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(KEVIN CHUCKLES)

Now, here's what I wanna

explain about my divorce.

Everybody assumes that because

you went through a divorce,

you went through

a fucked-up period of life.

You hate each other.

You're enemies. It's not true.

At the end of the day,

that's the mother of my kids.

I'm always gonna respect her

as the mother of my kids.

She's happy, she's moved on.

I'm happy, I've moved on.

I'm happier than she is,

though. I am.

No, I am.

I'm doing a lot

of happy shit

right now, people.

You have no idea.

I took a fucking walk

the other day.

Do you know how happy

you gotta be

to take a goddamn walk?

To just go outside

and start fucking walking?

I knew I was happy

because I was talking

to myself while I was walking.

I was like, "You hungry?"

(CLICKS TONGUE) "I could eat."

It was just me, though.

Right? Nobody else was there.

I stopped, I fed pigeons.

That's some happy shit!

You gotta be happy

to feed pigeons.

Here's a beautiful thing

about me feeding pigeons.

When I was done

feeding the pigeons,

I didn't have to lie about it.

See, when you're married,

you lie about shit like that.

Because you don't believe

that your wife

would ever believe

that you were

doing something as dumb

as feeding

some goddamn pigeons.

There's not a married man

sitting in this audience

right now

that can go out

and feed pigeons,

and his wife calls,

and she says,

"Babe, where you at?"

And you go,

"I'm feeding pigeons."

And she believes that he was

feeding some fucking pigeons.

It'll never happen.

It's an argument off the bat.

"Where you at, babe?"

"I'm out here

feeding pigeons."

"You ain't feeding

no damn pigeons!"

"What're you talking about?

I am feeding the pigeons."

"Then put the pigeon

on the fucking phone." "What?"

"Let me talk

to the goddamn pigeon."

(MIMICKING PIGEON COOING)

"That ain't no pigeon.

"Tell the bitch

sitting next to you

"that's making pigeon noises

on the phone,

"when I see her,

I'm gonna beat her ass.

"'Oh, fake pigeon noise making

ass' bitch.

"'Oh, not knowing how to sound

like a pigeon ass' bitch.

"Matter of fact, tell that

bitch that when I see her,

"I'm gonna grab a real pigeon

"and smack the shit

out of her with it.

"She could see what

a real pigeon sounds like.

"'Oh, false pigeon vocal chord

having ass' bitch."

I'm fucking

killing y'all, man.

Get fire on these bitches

one time.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I... I'm at a point now

where I understand

who I am as a man.

I know my pros,

I know my cons.

Here's what's bad

about me, people.

I'm a liar. I love to lie.

Uh... I don't know why.

I wish I could stop. I can't.

I think I'm sick.

It's a disease.

I don't even tell good lies.

I tell a bunch of dumbass lies

on a regular basis.

Let me tell you something.

There's nothing worse

than telling a dumbass lie

and getting caught

telling a dumbass lie.

For example, I don't like

talking on my cell phone.

I can't stand

talking on my phone.

But I don't know

how to tell people

that I don't like

to talk on my phone.

I think that makes me,

like, an asshole,

so I'd much rather

lie about it.

Here's how I got caught

the other day.

I'm in my car, I'm driving.

My boy calls me

when I'm driving,

I pick up, "Yo, what up?"

"Kev, what's going on?"

Instantly, I lie.

I said, "Dude, I can't be

on the phone like that.

"I'm out of the country.

"I'm not trying to have

a high-ass phone bill."

This is no bullshit.

This is what I heard, he said,

"Nigga, ain't that you

at the stoplight

"right there in front of me?"

I said, "What?"

I'm so oblivious at lying,

I waved.

"What's up, man?

"What's going on

with you, baby?"

"Why you said

you was out of the country?"

"I didn't say that.

I never said that."

I don't wanna be a liar.

I don't.

I blame y'all.

It's your fault.

'Cause y'all put me

in positions

where I have no choice

but to lie.

For example, I'm here.

I'm in New York.

I'm at the airport.

I'm in baggage claim, right?

This girl sees me,

she goes off.

She loses her fucking mind.

Soon as she saw me,

she was like,

(IMITATES GIRL)

"Oh, my God, no, Kevin!

"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

I can't believe this!

"God must be playing

a trick on me!

"God must be playing

a trick on me!

"Oh, my God! I said I was

"gonna see you

and then I see you,

"and now I'm looking at you.

"Oh, my God,

I can't believe it.

(CHUCKLES) "Oh, my God!

Can you do me a favor?

"Can you wait here

for, like, 30 minutes?

"My mom is about to land.

"She would love

to get a picture with you."

I was like, (SCOFFS)

"Fuck, yeah, I'll wait.

Go ahead, go get her."

As soon as she left,

I took off.

"Bitch, I'm not standing here

for no 30 minutes

"waiting for your goddamn mom.

"No! Kill yourself.

Die! Today!

"Death to you, bitch, die!

"I'm not fucking

waiting for you."

But I can't say that.

If I say that, that makes me,

like, an asshole.

There are certain lies

that I can't tell.

For example,

I can't tell big lies.

Reason why

I can't tell big lies

is because

I'm one of those people

that start to believe the lie.

Like, once I get that

ball rolling, I can't stop.

You know who I respect?

I respect people

that work a nine-to-five job

that could show up late

for work without an excuse.

(CHUCKLES) They show up,

take full responsibility.

"Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

It'll never happen again.

"I overslept, I apologize.

"It's irresponsible

on my behalf.

"If I do it again, fire me."

I respect people

that can do that.

'Cause I can't do that,

'cause I'm a fucking liar.

I am.

If I'm late,

something happened.

I don't give a shit.

Something drastic happened.

"Yo, dude, sorry I'm late.

"I was on the highway

and a fucking baby

"was running on the highway.

"Yeah, I know, right?

Shit's crazy.

"So I get out of the car,

I start chasing the baby.

"In my mind I'm like,

'Why're you running, baby?'

"That's what

I'm thinking, right?

"I'm like, 'What do you do?'

"'Cause I can't just

grab the baby

"and throw the baby

in the car,

"that's kidnapping.

"I fuck around and go to jail.

"I got a little butt,

I'll get raped.

"I know they'll fucking

rape me in jail.

"I ain't trying to get raped.

"So I had to make a decision.

"I was like,

'Shit, what do I do?'

"So I decided

to adopt the baby.

"What I did was, I downloaded

this app on my iPhone,

"this Adopt the Baby app,

right?

"I put the barcode

on the baby head. Boop!

"That way the baby knew

he was my baby.

"I put the baby in the car,

I go to pull off,

"I turn around, a deer

was running towards the car.

"So I'm like, 'Oh, shit!

"'This deer

is about to eat the baby!'

"That's what

I'm thinking, right?

"But then I looked closer,

"I noticed the front part

of the deer was a deer,

"the back half was a zebra.

It was half deer, half zebra.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"So I'm like,

'Oh, shit! It's a deerbra!'

"Like, that's what

I'm thinking,

"'It's a fucking deerbra.'

"So I call the zoo, I'm like,

"'Yo, there's

a fucking deerbra

"'out here on the highway!'

"He was like, 'What's that?'

"I was like,

'Half deer, half zebra.'

"He was like,

'Did you just make that up?'

"I was like, 'I think so.'

Um...

"He said,

'Well, bring it down.'

"So I get down there,

he sees it,

"he's like, 'Oh, shit,

it's half deer, half zebra!'

"I said,

'That's what I was trying

"'to tell you on the phone,

it's a deerbra.'

"He was like,

'Okay, what do you want?

"'Do you want money for it?'

"I said, 'No, I don't have

that type of time.

"'I gotta get back to the car

"'because my new son

is in the car by hisself.'

"So I get back to the car,

turns out,

"the baby that I thought

was a baby wasn't a baby.

"It was a grown-ass man

with Benjamin Button disease.

"Let me tell you

how I figured this out.

"I figured this out,' cause

when I got to the car,

"the baby woke up.

"I was like,

'Hey, I'm your new dad.

"'I've just adopted you.'

"He was like, 'You ain't

my dad, bitch! I'm 65.'

"I said, 'Goddamn!'

He said, 'I got a disease.'

"I was like, 'You got

that Benjamin Button.'

"He was like,

'Where's my deerbra?'

"I said, 'I knew that was

"'a fucking deerbra,

I knew it was.

"'I just took it to the zoo.'

"He was like,

'Well, how the fuck

"'am I supposed to get home?'

"I said, 'You ride

that motherfucker, man?'

"Anyway, long story short,

"that's why I'm five minutes

late for work,

"'cause it took

a long-ass time

"for me to get the fucking

deerbra in the car."

Understand something, people.

Lying will ruin your life.

Lying will ruin

your goddamn life.

Lying ruined my marriage.

True shit, sweetie.

Lying ruined

my goddamn marriage.

That's a lie, I cheated.

Let's talk about it, though,

let's figure it out.

Don't judge me.

Let me explain. Um...

Yes. Yes, people, I cheated.

Am I ashamed of it?

No. No, I am not.

Do I wish that

I could take it back?

No. No, I don't.

Let me tell you why.

You can't evolve as a man

if you never make a mistake.

The only way that you could be

perfect is to fuck up.

I get it, I fucked up.

"Don't cheat." Nah! Whatever.

Now, do I think cheating

was the problem? No, I don't.

Cheating was not the problem.

Lying about cheating

was the problem.

If I'd had been honest

about it,

might have worked it out.

But I wasn't. I lied.

And I didn't just

lie on myself,

I put my best friend

in my lie.

Now I don't think

that's a bad thing to do.

Let me explain why.

If you're my best friend,

I shouldn't have to

ask you to lie for me.

I shouldn't have to ask

your permission

for me to put you in my lie.

You know why? 'Cause you're

my best fucking friend, bitch.

That's your job.

The day that we signed up

and said that we best friends,

that means that my bullshit

is your bullshit.

And your bullshit

is my bullshit.

If you're my real best friend,

you should know

that I need you

to lie for me

by the look on my face.

If I'm looking at you

and I'm not blinking,

if I'm like this...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...that's a goddamn sign.

That means,

"The bitch got the drop on us.

"My back is against the wall.

This is not a test.

"It's the real deal, help me!

Help me!

"Nigga! Help me!"

My friend Harry

ignored all signs, okay?

Let me tell you

how shit hit the fan.

I come in the house, right?

Come in the house,

like, 4:00 in the morning.

I'm drunk, people.

Drunk as shit.

I have no balance.

I'm all over the place.

I'm rocking back and forth.

Soon as I walk in the house,

she wakes up, she goes off.

"You know what?

I'm sick of this.

"I know you's probably out

with some bitch.

"You was probably

messing with some bitch."

Now, I'm drunk,

I don't wanna respond,

because I don't have

any balance.

I'm rocking back and forth.

You don't look believable

when you're rocking

back and forth.

So I had to choose a stance

in which I looked believable.

So I chose this.

I said, "Let me tell you

something, listen to me.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Wasn't nobody with

no bitch, okay? You're wrong.

"Matter of fact,

to prove you wrong,

"I'm gonna call Harry.

"Harry not expecting me

to call right now,

"so Harry don't have

no reason to lie.

"And I'm gonna put it

on speakerphone.

"About to make you

feel stupid. Watch this.

"Watch how fucking stupid

you feel.

"Watch. Watch this.

"Harry. Harry, real quick,

don't lie."

Let's stop right there.

Let's just stop right there

for a second.

What does that mean?

What does that mean, people?

Lie. It means, lie. Right now.

That means,

"The bitch got the drop on us.

"My back is against the wall.

This is not a test.

"It's the real deal, help me!

Help me!

"Nigga! Help me!"

Harry ignored all signs.

I'm gonna tell you

exactly what Harry said.

I said, "Harry.

Harry, real quick, don't lie.

"Where're we coming from

right now?"

He said, (CLICKS TONGUE)

"Man, you was with that bitch

with the fat ass."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"What? Oh, no.

"No, no, no, no.

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no." Yo.

(KEVIN CHUCKLES)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

I was so fucking scared.

I was so scared.

(LAUGHS) I mean,

this bitch gonna kill me.

She's gonna fucking kill me.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

See, but understand something.

I'm not mad at Harry.

The reason

I'm not mad at Harry

is because Harry

has done some dumb shit,

but I understand who he is.

See, Harry might be

the smartest dumbest friend

that I've ever had

in my life, okay?

Let me tell you

the dumbest thing

that Harry has ever done.

Harry invented the code for us

to use to let each other know

when we were around our women.

Basically, if somebody

used the code,

it means,

"Don't say anything stupid.

"You might be on speakerphone.

"Don't say nothing dumb.

The phone might be loud enough

"so my girl can hear

whatever it is you're saying."

It means, "Don't say anything

"that could jeopardize

our relationship."

The code was,

"Man, I'm hungry as shit."

That's the code, people.

"Man, I'm hungry as shit."

Here's what pissed me off

about the code.

Harry invented

the fucking code.

So there's no reason

why Harry should have

messed up the code.

Here's how Harry messes it up.

I'm in the car with my lady.

I'm driving,

she's in the passenger seat.

Harry calls me

when I'm in the car.

I got the Bluetooth shit

in the car,

so my phone rings,

the whole car rings.

Harry's name pops up

on the dashboard.

I answer, "What up, boy?"

"Kev, what's going on?"

"Ain't shit."

This is how I knew

the conversation

was about to take a turn

for the worse.

This is how I knew it was

about to get filthy. He said,

"Nigga!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

"Harry, (LAUGHS) hey, hey.

Man, I'm hungry as shit!"

He said, "I'm not. I just

ate." "What? What! Harry!"

(WHOOPS)

"Harry!" (WHOOPS)

"Harry!" I said,

"Man, I'm hungry as shit."

He says,

"Yo, you should go to Subway

"and get the footlong

for five dollars."

"What the fuck!

(SCREECHING) Harry! Harry!"

I said,

"Man, I'm hungry as shit."

He said, "Oh, that must mean

"you're ready to eat

these white bitches."

"What? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"No, no, no.

"I ain't eating

no white bitches.

"I ain't eating

no white bitches.

"I never did.

Oh, my God, no. Oh, no."

Yo, have you ever

been in trouble with your girl

to the point where

you're afraid to look at her,

but you can feel her staring

at the side

of your goddamn face?

I was so scared,

I never looked at her.

I just looked straight and

started making dumbass noises.

(BEATBOXING)

(LAUGHS) I started

pointing out shit.

"Oh, look, a deerbra! You

see it? I just saw a deerbra."

I'm fucking

killing y'all, man.

Get fire on

these bitches again. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, here's the thing.

I'm not upset with Harry

for doing all the dumb shit

that he's done.

Reason why is because I've

learned so much from Harry.

Like, literally, now I know

what to do, what not to do.

I know what I want,

what I don't want.

And, fellas, I'm not selfish

with this information.

I feel like it's my job

to educate y'all.

I can tell you what you want

in your life, what you don't.

I can tell you the one thing

that you do not want

in your household.

Fellas, the one thing that you

don't want in your household

is a female

that doesn't trust you.

Only thing that's worse than a

female that doesn't trust you

is a female

that doesn't trust you

that has no proof

for why she doesn't trust you.

That bitch is crazy.

Let me tell you why.

She's crazy because she has

so many thoughts in her head

about what you might be doing,

and it pisses her off

that she can't figure it out.

That's why she sits

in the house all day,

trying to put pieces

to a puzzle together

that doesn't exist.

"Oh, he done fucked up.

"Oh, this nigga fucked up.

"What the fuck

is this right here?

"Oh, I got his ass now."

This is a woman

that'll look at you

and say crazy shit like,

"Don't act like

I'm fucking crazy, nigga."

You ever see a girl

say shit like that?

She look crazy as shit

while she say it.

"Don't act like

I'm fucking crazy."

Let me tell you something.

Any bitch that do

this shit right here

is a goddamn psychopath,

you hear me?

Any bitch that argue

with you to the side,

"Oh, you got a bitch

fucked up, you hear me?

"You got me fucked up.

You got me fucked up.

"You got me fucked up, nigga."

That's a different level

of woman. She's fucking crazy.

This woman is so crazy

that when she thinks,

when she thinks that

she's caught you cheating,

before she talks to you,

she's gotta have

a conversation with herself.

She's gotta talk to herself.

(LAUGHING)

Here's my impression

of a crazy woman

talking to their self.

"Oh, yeah.

"Oh, we got his ass now.

We got his ass now.

"You ready, bitch?"

"Bitch, I'm ready."

Ain't nobody there,

it's just her.

Now, she's so crazy that she

can't even stick to the plan.

The plan is to see you.

When she sees you,

she's supposed to show you

whatever she found.

You're supposed

to talk about it,

figure out the next steps

in your relationship.

But she's crazy.

There's so much

bottled up emotion

and built-up tension inside.

As soon as she sees your face,

she snaps.

She fucking loses it.

Soon as you walk

through the door,

"Shut the fuck up! Shut up!

Don't say shit!

"You're a piece of shit!

(IMITATES SOBBING)

"Oh, my God, no."

(WAILS)

Hey, have you ever

seen a woman

go from frantic to calm?

Like, real fast?

"Motherfucker,

you're a piece of shit!

"I can't believe

you're hurting me!

"But it's gonna be

the last time

"that you do some shit

like this to me.

(SOBBING) "I don't give a fuck

about it! I don't give a fuck!

"Let me tell you

something, nigga.

"You're gonna get

your shit together,

(SOBS) "or you're

gonna get out!"

She's a fucking

psychopath, man.

Crazy women always

wanna tell you what you did.

They always wanna

run down the story.

"Let me tell you

why you fucked up.

"Let me tell you

why you fucked up.

"Last night, you come in here,

"you're a little drunk,

you're a little tipsy.

"You start to go to sleep

on the couch.

"You take your pants off, you

put your pants on the floor.

"Something told me,

something told me,

"something was like,

'Girl, go through his pants.'

"I was like, 'All right.'"

(LAUGHS)

That's the crazy girl face.

"All right." "So, I get up,

I go through your pants,

"I found a receipt.

"You had a receipt

in your pants for some gas.

"But it wasn't any old kind

of gas, it was regular gas.

"That's funny,

I'm with you all the time.

"I've never seen you

use regular gas."

Ladies,

let me ask you a question.

Why is it that whenever

you're arguing with your man

and you repeat yourself,

the second time you say it,

you get loud as shit

as if you solved the case?

"That's funny, I've never

seen you use regular gas.

(LOUDLY) "I've never seen you

use regular gas!

"You know who put

the regular gas in the car?

"That regular bitch

that you was with.

"That's who put

the regular gas in the car.

"Shut your ass up! Shut up!

You're caught.

"You're a piece of shit!

"Look at you! You got

glitter all on your face.

"Mismatched socks!"

Now, ladies, let me explain

something to you.

99% of the time, you're right.

99% of the time, you're right.

That 1% when you're wrong,

that's the day

that men live for.

We live for the day

that we can make you

look dumb as shit.

That's our goal as men.

I'mma tell you three words

that you never wanna hear

come out of your man's mouth.

If your man ever hit you

with these words, shut up.

Don't say shit, he's about

to make you look stupid.

If you're going off,

you're snapping,

"Shut the fuck up. You're

a piece of shit. I hate you."

(GRUNTING)

If he hit you

with this right here,

"Are you done? Are you done?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He get cocky. "Are you done?

"Are you done? Okay. Okay.

"I'm about to shit

on this bitch right now.

"Are you done? You're done,

right? You're done, right?

"Are you done? Are you done?

Okay, okay.

"I'm laughing, I'm laughing

"because you don't even

know what happened.

"See, last night,

you was the one at the club

"that started to drink a whole

bottle of Patron by yourself.

"You're the one

that passed out in the club.

"I'm the one

that picked you up,

"carried you out of the club,

put you in the car.

"We got in the car,

we started driving home,

"I realized I lost my wallet.

"I said, 'Damn, babe, we need

gas. I don't have my wallet.

"'You got any money on you?'

"You said, in a very drunk

voice, 'I got three dollars.'

"I said, 'What the fuck

are we supposed to do

"'with three dollars?'

"You said, 'We gonna put

some regular gas

"'up in this motherfucker.'

"I said, 'Fine.' We put

the regular gas in the car,

"I drive home fast,

"'cause I didn't wanna

run out of the regular gas.

"When we got home,

you felt sick

"because of the way

I was driving.

"You fucking went upstairs,

you start throwing up.

"I got naked, I got into bed.

I kept my socks on, though.

"First of all, you know

I sleep with my socks on

"because I got ugly feet.

"I'm insecure about my feet.

"My fear is, if I don't

sleep with socks on,

"we're gonna get robbed.

"And whoever has the gun

"is gonna look at my feet

and they're gonna be like,

"'Oh, shit. Ew!' Bam!

Shoot me in the fucking foot.

"I'm gonna have another

ugly-ass goddamn foot.

"So you start calling me.

"You's like, 'Kev, come

help me. I'm throwing up.'

"I come running

to the bathroom,

"you got throw-up

all over the floor.

"I stepped in it, ew, took my

sock off, I put your sock on.

"That's why my sock

got a ball on the back of it.

"Picked you up,

put you on my shoulder.

"The reason

why I got glitter on my face,

"it's because you use

that cheap-ass

"glitter lotion on your ass.

"So when I held you like this,

"your ass was rubbing against

the side of my goddamn face.

"Ran in the room,

I threw you in the bed.

"I didn't get into bed, 'cause

you smelled like throw-up.

"I'm not getting in the bed

"with nobody

that smells like throw-up.

"You know why

I'm not getting in the bed

"with nobody

who smells like throw-up?

"'Cause it's gonna make me

fucking throw up!

"So I went downstairs,

I slept on the couch.

"With that being said,

don't say shit else to me.

"You're wrong! I'm out!"

This face that women make

is priceless.

"It's not even like that.

"Listen, come here,

it's not even...

"I don't even wanna debate...

"Listen, come here,

let me suck your dick.

"I wanna suck your dick.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Let me suck your dick

while the football game is on,

"for the whole game.

"I'm gonna suck your dick

for the whole game."

Men are so stupid, we'd be

in the middle of storming out.

"For the whole game? You would

do it for the whole game?

"For half-time and everything?

"You're gonna suck it

for the whole game?

"Deal. You got a goddamn deal.

"Well, you better

get to sucking right now,

"'cause it's a long game."

Now, here's my advice

to you, fellas.

If your woman is going through

that insecure period

where she's questioning you,

she's going through your shit,

my advice is, stop her.

"Babe, stop,

whatever you're looking for,

"don't look anymore.

"You're right, I'm wrong.

I need to do better."

The reason I say do that

is because

you don't wanna see your woman

go through that crazy point

of no return.

See, I've seen a woman

get here. It's unattractive.

Reason why it's unattractive

is 'cause when a woman reaches

a certain level of crazy,

she doesn't know

that she's being crazy.

Everybody else knows.

Everybody else sees it.

"Hey, that bitch in the corner

with the diaper on her face

"is fucking crazy, yo.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"She's fucking crazy.

She's a psychopath."

Everybody else knows

except her.

Here's the thing,

I was in that situation.

I saw a woman get crazy.

Let me tell you how I knew

this one chick

went wild, okay?

We're in the house one day,

arguing, all fucking day.

Gets to the point where

I'm like, "You know what,

"I can't argue with you no

more. My head hurts. I'm done.

"I'm getting in the shower.

I'm getting dressed.

"I'm going to the store."

True story, people.

Exactly what I do. Get

in the shower, get dressed,

get in my car,

start driving to the store.

On the way to the store,

I hit a speed bump.

When I hit the speed bump,

I hear a lot of noise

in the trunk.

Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom!

"That's weird,

I ain't put shit in the trunk.

"What the fuck is all that

noise in the goddamn trunk?"

I'm small. I get scared fast.

So I get out of the car,

I pop the trunk,

this is some true shit,

I pop the trunk.

When I pop the trunk,

this bitch was stooped down

in the trunk like this,

looking at me.

I see her

in the goddamn trunk.

I see her see me see her

in the goddamn trunk.

"I just caught you

in the trunk of my car.

"You gotta say something

"to justify what the fuck

I'm looking at.

"What the fuck are you doing

in the goddamn trunk?"

With a straight face,

she looks at me,

jumps out of the trunk,

rolls her eyes and takes off,

as if I never saw her.

(IMITATES RUNNING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, let me tell you

why I had an attitude.

I had an attitude

because we live together.

Like,

"I'm gonna see you tonight.

"We have to address this

at some point in time."

I said, "No, fuck that.

"We're gonna talk

about this right now."

I get in the car,

I drive home.

Here's where it gets crazier.

When I get home,

she in the kitchen cooking,

right? (LAUGHS)

I walk in the house, she said,

"Hey, babe, you hungry?"

"Bitch, what the...

"Oh!

"I don't wanna talk about

no goddamn food.

"I wanna talk about

why I popped the trunk

"and you popped out

of the goddamn trunk

"like a goddamn

Jack-in-the-box.

"The fuck were you doing

in the goddamn trunk?"

With a straight face

she looked at me, she said,

"I wasn't in

no goddamn trunk."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Bitch, I saw you see me

see you in the goddamn trunk."

"You ain't see me

in no goddamn trunk.

"You must have saw

one of them other bitches

"you've been fucking with,

"goddamn trunk, nigga!"

It messed me up so bad,

I started thinking.

I was like,

"Did I have another bitch

in the trunk? I might have...

"Oh, no, I might have put

another bitch in the trunk

"and forgot she was

in the trunk." (LAUGHS)

These are

real-life situations.

And after something

like that happens,

every man's reaction

is the same.

We all say the same shit,

we all do the same shit.

"I ain't getting with

no crazy-ass woman.

"Ain't no way in hell

"I'm getting with

a crazy-ass woman.

"I'd rather be with myself."

That's what you do,

you live the single life.

Single life

is amazing at first.

Reason why it's amazing

is because every night,

you're with your boys,

you're drinking,

you're meeting women,

having a good time.

Reality doesn't hit you about

how bad the single life is

until you call your friends

to go out, and on that night,

none of your friends

are available,

'cause they're out

with their women.

That's when reality hits you.

"Yo, what up, boy?

What you want to do tonight?"

"Oh, man,

I ain't doing nothing.

"It's cupcake Tuesdays.

"Me and my lady,

we're making cupcakes.

"Red velvet. I get to lick

the bowl and everything."

"'Lick the bowl'? Man,

get the fuck off my phone."

"Hey, don't be mad at me

"'cause you ain't got

no bowl to lick."

"What?"

Then you start to rethink

your whole decision.

"Damn.

Did I have a good woman?

"Shit, man.

I might have had a good woman.

"You know what,

I need to get my lady back."

Thing is, you can't

go back the way you left.

You gotta reinvent yourself.

You gotta make it look like

you're making an effort

to get your woman back.

Here's how dumb I am.

This is what I do.

I come back.

"Babe, I got an idea.

It's gonna be great.

"It's gonna put the spark

back in our relationship.

"It's gonna make us

fall in love, okay?

"We've never done it.

"Let's do it

for the first time together.

"We should both take ecstasy

one time.

"We should pop the pill.

Hear me out. Hear me out.

"It's an emotional drug, okay?

"It's gonna make us talk.

"We're gonna have sex.

It's gonna be the best."

She said, "Fine, let's do it."

She takes the pill.

Her pill gives her

all the right reactions.

I take the pill.

My... My pill...

Okay. My...

My pill made me believe

that I was a drug dealer.

This is some real shit.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I wish

I was making this shit up.

I can't make this up, people.

I don't know where

it came from. I snapped.

We were talking. She was like,

"Babe, I just wanna be happy.

"I want the disrespect

to stop."

"Let me tell you something,

"you're worried about

fucking disrespect?

"That's what

you're worried about? Hmm?

"What you need

to be worried about

"is how I'm gonna deliver

this kilo of cocaine

"to fucking Pablo."

She was like, "What?

What're you talking about?"

"Girl, what the hell do you

think I'm talking about?

"Where you think

all this money come from?

"Jokes?

Is that what you think? Huh?

"You think I'm out here making

funny money? Is that it?

"Huh?

"Bitch, I'm in the game.

"I'm out here

in the fucking streets. Okay?

"I gotta cook it, cut it,

bake it, boop! Fly that shit."

She was like, "Oh, my God,

what about the kids?"

"Fuck them kids, bitch.

"I'm out here riding around

and getting it, bird gang.

(HOOTING)

"You don't even

know my life, bitch."

Listen, let me tell you

how messed up I was.

I was ass naked,

walking around the house

like this.

In my mind, this was a gun.

I really believed

that my hand was a gun.

I was making threats. I said,

"Let me tell you something.

"If anybody on the block

try to touch my product,

"chitty, chitty, bang, bang,

niggas gonna die."

She was like,

"Calm down, calm down."

(LAUGHS) This was how I knew

she was fucked up.

This was how I knew

she was fucked up.

'Cause I turn around

like this, right?

She was like,

"Don't shoot me."

"Ain't nobody gonna shoot you.

"I got the safety on. You need

to fucking chill out."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Y'all are laughing?

I'm being serious.

I was messed up.

I tried to fuck a beanbag

that night.

(LAUGHS) I was ass naked

on the beanbag

for two hours,

doing this shit by myself.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I was sweating,

but I didn't know it was me.

I thought it was the beanbag.

I was like, "Oh,

this beanbag's wet as shit.

(LAUGHS) "This beanbag's

about to get this long dick.

"That's what

you're gonna get, beanbag.

"You're gonna learn today,

beanbag. You hear me?

"You will learn today."

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's an old chapter

of my life, people.

Right now,

I'm in a new chapter.

In this chapter,

reality has hit.

Reality is, I'm single.

Fucking dating.

I can do what I want now.

Now, here's the scary thing

about dating for me.

I believe in karma.

Whatever you do in life

is gonna come full circle

at some point in time.

I know it is, okay?

My fear is,

I'm gonna fuck around

and fall in love,

and I'm gonna get hurt.

When I think about

getting hurt,

I think about the ultimate

level of getting hurt.

Like, I'm gonna

try to surprise my lady

on her lunch break.

She would be in the car

giving some dude head,

I'm fucking around to see it.

Now, I know I'm not strong

enough to deal with that.

I'm too emotional.

I break down.

Hmm. "No, no, no,

no, no, no, no. No.

"Pick your head up.

Don't finish.

"Don't finish it.

"Jesus, take the wheel,

please."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I know I can't deal with it.

Some men are. Some men can.

Some men are strong enough

to catch their woman

in a sexual act,

like giving another man head,

to the point where

they can go up to the car,

open the car door

and say one sentence.

In that sentence,

they'll let a woman know

how much he loved her,

how bad she hurt him

and where he is mentally,

and he can walk off.

Some men can pull it off.

"You know what,

"I loved you

the best that I could.

"What I could do, I did.

"What I didn't do, I tried.

Fuck it."

He'll walk off.

She'll feel bad.

"Why am I doing this?

(POPPING)

"I don't wanna do it no more."

Did you get it?

That was the dick.

Did you guys get it?

This was the dick. Did you

get it, you got it? All right.

Some men are different.

Some men are killers.

Some men are thugs

all the time.

"No, fuck that! Fuck that!

"If I see my girl in the car

giving some dude head,

"I'm gonna go up to the car,

I'm gonna grab him,

"drag him out of the car,

"I'm gonna beat

the shit out of the dude."

That's how some men feel.

Would you do that, man?

Chainz, would you fuck him up?

You'd whoop his ass?

You're gonna fight the guy

with his dick out?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

His dick is out.

This guy's got the hard dick.

That's the wrong answer,

Chainz.

I don't like that answer.

I don't think

you thought about it.

Should've thought it through.

His fucking dick is out.

I can't fight a dude

with a hard dick.

It's not gonna happen.

The reason why

is 'cause I'm small.

When I fight, I gotta get low.

I gotta get your legs.

If your dick is out,

at some point in time,

that's gonna cause

a problem for me.

At some point in time.

"Yo, you got my girl out here

"in a fucking car?

Hmm? Huh? Nigga?"

(THUDS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(WAILING)

(LAUGHS) Yo, you're gonna

lose your fucking mind

if a man's dick hit your head

in front of a group of people

watching the fight.

You're gonna do some shit you

never thought you would do.

You're gonna fuck around

and grab it.

(SNARLING)

You're gonna say some shit

you never thought

you would say,

"I'm gonna rip it off!

"This dick is coming with me!

"This is my dick!

I got two dicks now!"

(GRUNTS)

Yo, if you grab

a dude's dick in a fight,

you gotta kill yourself

that night.

You have to die that night.

You can't go on living.

'Cause for

the rest of your life,

you're gonna be known as

the dude who grabbed

the dude's dick

that day in a fight.

"There goes the dude who

grabbed that dude's dick

that day in a fight."

"What was I supposed to do?

The dick was on my head."

"Hey, man,

get your dick-grabbing ass

"out of here, man.

"Nobody trying to talk to you,

dick grabber."

Look, I had a thought

the other day that scared me.

I thought about the fact

that my kids

are eventually

gonna have a stepdad.

That's kind of scary to me.

I'm gonna tell you why.

I start thinking

to myself like,

"What if I can't physically

beat the stepdad?"

'Cause I know

I'm not gonna like the guy.

Small problems

are gonna become big problems.

So in my mind,

shit will happen.

Like, one day I call the house

and in the background, I hear,

"I said,

'Put the dishes in the sink.'"

But in my mind,

what I heard was,

"You and your dad

can suck my dick in the sink."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I gotta fight.

I gotta fucking fight now.

Because I've thought about it.

I wanna be prepared for

this day, if it ever happens.

So right now, I'm currently

taking self-defense class.

All right, this is no

bullshit. This is not a joke.

It's the wrong time to mess

with me. I know a lot of shit.

My teacher just taught me

how to take a gun

out of somebody's hand.

Like, if somebody

points a gun at me like this,

I'm trained

to grab your wrist, bend it,

take the gun,

point it right back at you.

No bullshit.

I do it all the time in class.

I'm the best.

It's at a point

where I had a conversation

with my friends, I said,

"Look, dude, if we out

"and somebody pulls a gun out,

let me handle it, okay?

"I'm the only one here

"that's trained

for this type of combat."

He was like, "You sure?"

I said, "Trust me, I'm sure."

Here's how funny life is.

We're walking

out of the club, right?

I'm a little tipsy.

I get to the car,

this guy comes

from behind the car.

He'd ducked down,

he had a gun.

He was like,

"Everybody get naked.

"Run that shit, bitch.

Get naked. Run it."

All my friends got scared

and started getting naked.

I was calm.

I'm standing there,

I'm looking at him.

I'm even laughing

a little bit,

'cause in my mind, I'm like,

"You don't even know

what I'm trained to do."

Right? That's what

I'm thinking, right?

So he got mad, he says,

"You think it's a game,

little nigga?

"Run that shit, bitch.

Get naked. Run it."

And it scared me,

because my teacher

only taught me to take guns

from people

holding it like this.

He had it like this.

I've never seen that.

We never worked

on that in class.

So I didn't know what to do.

So I got naked.

I did exactly what he said.

I got naked.

My friends were like,

"Do something."

I was like,

"I can't. He's a killer.

"He's the real deal.

This guy's the real deal."

I got security after that.

Actually, that's a lie.

That's a lie. I didn't

get security after that.

I tried to hire my friend,

Wayne, as my security guard.

Reason why is because

Wayne was big as shit.

So I was like, "Why would

I fucking pay somebody else

"when I can give you

that extra money?

"You ain't got to

fight nobody,

"just look like you would

if something were to happen."

He's like,

"All right, I'll do it."

I said, "Done. You're hired.

You're my security guard."

Um... Here's why Wayne got

fired. Let me tell you why.

We were at a club, right?

This guy pulls out a gun,

shoots it in the air.

Bop! "Fuck all these bitches!"

I got scared.

"Wayne, what should we do?"

With a straight face,

Wayne said, "Play dead."

I said,

"What? What'd you say?"

He wouldn't answer me back

'cause he was in character.

He said...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!"

(LAUGHS) He gonna go,

"You better shut up

before you get shot."

What the fuck!

After that,

I hired this guy named Steve.

Now, Steve was the real deal,

people. Let me tell you why.

Steve made me feel

like a star.

We went places,

Steve moved the crowd.

"Everybody move! Move!

"Watch out,

Mr. Hart's coming through."

I never had to look behind me.

Steve always had my back.

Steve got fired, because

we was at a club one day,

I'm at VIP section, right?

VIP is separated

from the dance floor

by a velvet rope.

I'm standing behind

a velvet rope.

I say, "Steve, I've got

to go to the bathroom."

The guy operating

the velvet rope moves it.

Me and Steve

walk to the bathroom.

I use it, I get done,

we come back.

The guy operating

the velvet rope was talking.

That's fine, I'm patient.

I'll wait till he's done.

Steve felt like

I shouldn't have to wait.

Steve decided to pick me up

and place me

over the goddamn rope.

Let me tell you

something, people.

I've never felt more like

a bitch in my life. (LAUGHS)

I was like, "Steve, no,

don't do this, please."

My back leg came up.

"Look at me.

Look what you're making me do.

"Stop, Steve.

You're fucking fired, man."

After that, I hired

these two ex-cops

turned security guards.

Now, these guys

were very professional.

My problem with them was that

they were too professional.

Like, their level

of security was

way too advanced

for my level of celebrity.

Like, I don't know who

they thought I thought I was.

I don't know

where the miscommunication

came, but it was too much.

Like, we go to Applebee's.

True story.

Fucking Applebee's, okay?

There's a empty booth.

I go slide in the booth.

(VOCALIZING)

(LAUGHS) That's how I slide

in the booth.

I love Applebee's.

(SING-SONG) Applebee's,

Applebee's, Applebee's.

So I'm in the booth, right?

I'm sitting

next to the window.

He goes,

"Kevin, switch seats with me.

"I don't want you sitting

next to the window."

I said, "Why not?"

He said, "There might be

a sniper outside."

"Looking for who?

(CHUCKLES) "Ain't no sniper

looking for me

"at no fucking Applebee's. No.

"I'm not at the sniper level

in my career.

"I'm not there yet.

"Like, you probably

gotta worry

"about a dude

putting his dick on the glass.

"That's my level. I'm at

the dick-on-the-glass level.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"That's my level."

Like, the shit

that I'm afraid of,

people don't think about.

I'm gonna tell you

what I'm terrified of.

Y'all are gonna think

I'm crazy,

but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Scariest shit in the world

to me (LAUGHS) are bum hands.

A bum's hands

are the scariest shit ever.

You could say

I'm crazy all you want.

I'm willing to bet you all

any amount of money right now,

if y'all walk outside

after this show,

and a bum comes up to you

and flicks your lip,

bet money

you'd kill yourself tonight.

Bet whatever you wanna bet

that you'd fucking

kill yourself tonight.

If you walk outside

after this show

and a bum comes up to you,

"Give me a dollar, man."

"What?"

"Man, you better give me

a fucking...

"Give me

a fucking dollar, man."

(SCREAMING)

"What happened, man?

He shoot you?"

"Motherfucker

flicked my lip, man."

Oh, my God!

That's the scariest shit ever.

Like, you gotta

get rid of that lip.

You can't keep that lip.

That lip's gotta go.

You gotta buy a new lip.

I don't even know

where to get lips.

What would you do

if you got jumped (LAUGHS)

by three homeless people,

and they held you down?

"Get off of me.

What is this about?"

And then the leader come out,

and you see him like this.

And he... (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my God. You know

how dirty his hands are?

Oh, my fucking God.

(LAUGHING)

That'll be the quickest bump

that you've ever gotten

in your fucking life.

Pow! Bump! That fucking fast.

You gotta explain it.

"Hey, man,

is that a fucking herpy?"

"Mmm-mmm. It's a bum bump."

"What?"

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

"What the fuck

is a bum bump, man?"

A bum... A bum... (LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Hold on, hold on.

I gotta get it out.

I gotta get it out.

Hold on. Hold on.

"What the fuck is that, man?"

"It's a bum bump."

"How the fuck

you let a bum touch your lip?"

"I thought he was trying

to tell me a secret."

"What? What the fuck

was a bum trying to tell you?"

"He tricked me.

He was like, 'Hey, man.'

"I said, 'Huh?'

He got me. That's..."

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Get fire on these bitches

one time, man.

(CHUCKLING)

A fucking bum bump.

(LAUGHS) Watch...

Watch how y'all look at bums

when y'all leave the show.

Watch... (LAUGHING)

(STAMMERING)

Watch how defensive y'all are.

"Excuse me, man,

can you spare some change?"

"Nigga, what the...

"Hey, man, you better get

your ass out of here, nigga.

"You out here

trying to flick lips, cuz?

"You out here trying to give

a nigga a bum bump, nigga?

"I know what you're...

"You ain't gonna give me

no bum bump, nigga.

"You better get the fuck

out of here, man.

"Knock your ass out, man.

(LAUGHING)

"I don't want no bum bump.

"No, he got

my nigga like that.

"He told him a secret.

"My nigga leaned in. Mmm.

Fucked his whole shit up.

"This nigga's shit was all

"bum bumpy for,

like, two weeks."

I really believe

shit like that can happen.

I'm a weird thinker, people,

I'm a weird thinker.

I'm glad that

I'm a weird thinker, though.

Me being a weird thinker

has made me a better man.

It's made me a better father.

Let me explain how it's

made me a better father, okay?

Me thinking about my kids

eventually having a stepdad

is what made me

a better father.

'Cause now, not only

is it important for me

to make sure that I'm around,

but I need them

to understand who I am

and what I represent

to their lives.

Now, 'cause I see them

so much, I notice everything.

Like, my son

is at this imagination stage.

Like, I thought the shit

was a phase.

It's not. It's not going away.

Like, my son really thinks

that he's Spider-Man.

On some real shit.

And when he gets mad,

he webs me.

(WHOOSHING)

Now, because I'm Dad,

I just go along with it. Ah!

Ahhh!

I act like I'm caught. This is

the shit that makes me laugh.

This is how he releases me

from the web.

(LAUGHS) And he walks off.

The shit's hilarious.

Now, it's me and my son,

we're bonding.

See, but as a parent,

you don't realize

the effect that you have

on your kids.

Whatever you do in the house,

your kids are gonna mimic

when they're outside

the house.

I learned this lesson

the hard way.

I go pick my son up

from camp, right?

My son is outside arguing

with this little boy

over a truck.

I'm watching.

I'm not gonna break it up.

I want my son to be a boy,

let me see

how he handles himself.

Little boy takes the truck

from my son. (GRUNTS)

My son gets mad,

takes the truck back.

"Mine!"

Little boy comes back,

punches my son

in the back of the head.

My son falls. This boy starts

whooping my son's ass.

Listen, I don't know who

was training this little boy,

but they were doing

an amazing job.

This boy could

fucking fight, okay?

I'm not gonna break it up.

I'm gonna let my son

take his ass-whooping.

He will learn from it.

I'm watching.

I see this with

my own two eyes.

My son gets mad, rolls over.

(WHOOSHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"What the fuck

are you doing, man?

"It's not real.

What are you doing?"

The parents are looking at me.

"Why would you teach him that?

"Why would you even

teach him that?"

I run over, I grab

the little boy off of my son.

This is the longest walk

back to the car

that I've ever had

with my son in my life.

He just kept looking

at his hands. He was like...

"I don't know

what happened, Dad.

"I don't know what happened."

So I get mad. I'm like,

"Dude, if somebody's

fucking hitting you,

"you ball your fists up,

you hit him back.

"You don't let nobody hit you.

"You ball your fists up,

you hit him back."

Now, he doesn't like it

when I come down on him.

So he got mad. He webbed me.

(WHOOSHING)

Now, when he webbed me,

I had a choice to make.

Do I act like the game that

my son believes in isn't real

and no longer exists

and fuck his imagination up?

Or do I allow his imagination

to continue to run wild?

He's five.

I said, "I'm gonna let

his imagination run wild,"

act like I was caught. Ah!

Ahhh!

This... This is what I heard.

This is what my son said.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

"I had it turned off, Dad."

Said, "What the fuck

is going on here?"

Look, my kids

are hilarious, man.

I got stories for days

about my kids.

I took my kids

horseback riding, right?

This might have been,

like, the best worst day

that I've ever had

with my kids in my life.

I wanted to find a place

that was suitable

for kids and adults so

we could make a day out of it.

I find this ranch, right?

Me, my kids, my brother,

my friends, we all go.

We get there, they got ponies.

My kids get on the ponies.

There's a smaller trail

at the ranch.

They ride the ponies

around the smaller trail.

Me, my brother and my friends,

we go on the big horses.

We're gonna do

the big trail, okay?

Here's what happened.

Everybody gets

on their horses.

They've got their feet

in the stirrups.

They're ready to go.

I'm last to get on my horse

'cause I was filling out

the paperwork,

I'm paying for this shit.

I get on my horse.

Here's strike one for me.

I go to put my feet

in the stirrups, right?

Okay. Okay,

this was the problem.

Like, if I put this foot in,

this foot

wasn't going to make it.

I couldn't get them both in,

all right?

So I tell the guy.

I say, "Hey, man,

"I think I need smaller

stirrups." He was like,

"Don't worry about it.

You don't need them."

I was like, "Mmm. Yes, I do.

"'Cause everybody else

has them.

"I wanna look

like everybody else."

He was like, "Trust me,

you'll be all right."

I was like,

"I don't trust you.

"I wanna look

like everybody else."

He said, "Look, do you wanna

talk to the instructor?"

I said, "Yes, I'll talk

to the instructor."

Keep in mind, the instructor

is why I chose this ranch.

This guy is supposed

to be a horse guru.

He was gonna teach us how to

physically control the horse.

He was gonna teach us

the verbal commands,

and he personally was

gonna take us on the trail.

Problem with this guy is

he cannot speak English,

people, okay?

I can't make this shit up.

This is the speech

that he gave

before we started the trail.

Word for word. He goes,

"Okay. (LAUGHS) Okay.

"Okay, okay.

"Okay, okay.

"Okay.

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

"Like that!

Go, fat guy,

kick it! Mmm!

"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

"Like that.

All right,

let's ride."

"What the fuck did he say?

Did you hear what he said?

"Hey, man, you gotta

say it again for me.

"I didn't understand

what you said."

This is how I knew

it was bullshit.

He said the same thing

in the exact same way.

He said, "Okay. (LAUGHS) Okay.

"Okay, okay.

"All right, okay. Okay.

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

"Like that!

Go, fat guy,

kick it! Mmm!

"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

"Like that.

All right, let's ride."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I said, "We're gonna fucking

die. We're about to die."

My friend said, "Kev,

stop bitching. Let's just go."

Keep in mind,

I have no stability.

My feet are just dangling

from the side of the horse.

I have nothing to hold on to,

except this little stump thing

in the middle

of the fucking saddle.

I said, "Fine, I ain't gonna

say shit else. Let's go."

My horse starts to trot.

He's not running, people.

He's trotting.

I have no balance,

so I'm all over the place.

I'm like this, right?

My feet kicked the horse

in the stomach.

That's a sign for your horse

to speed up.

My horse takes off.

Listen to me, people.

This nigga took off!

Now, I'm scared,

'cause I don't know

what to do with my feet.

At one point in time,

I panicked,

had my feet on his neck.

Like, I was like this, right?

I was like this.

But I couldn't hear shit,

'cause the wind was blowing.

It was like...

(IMITATES WIND WHOOSHING)

I hear my friends in the back.

They're like...

Ohh!

Oh!

I don't know

what they're saying.

I assume that they're saying,

"Let go."

That's what I think

they're saying, "Let go."

So I said, "Fuck it!

Jesus, take the wheel." Right?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I roll off like

a black-ass tumbleweed.

Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap.

My... (LAUGHS)

The horse keeps going.

My friends and my brother,

the instructor,

everybody pulls up next to me.

It's at a point

where I'm pissed.

I'm like, "Yo, I'm not doing

this shit no more. I'm out.

"Fuck this trail. I'm done.

"I'm going back,

I'm getting my kids,

"I'm walking back

to the hotel."

My boy, Spank, was like, "Kev,

you can't fucking walk back.

"We've been riding

for 25 minutes.

"It's gonna take you, like,

an hour to walk back."

I said, "Fine."

I looked at the instructor,

I said,

"Well, you're gonna take me.

"You're gonna

take me back right now."

He puts his arm down

like this, grabs me, pulls me,

picks me up, puts me

on the back of his horse.

This is why

I will never ride a horse

again in my life, people.

For 25 minutes,

for 25 goddamn minutes,

I'm on the back

of this nigga's horse.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I turn around,

my friends think it's funny,

they're taking pictures,

right?

I said, "Put the camera up!

Put the goddamn camera up!"

The instructor kicked

the horse in the stomach,

the horse starts running.

He reaches around,

grabs my lower back.

He starts

pulling me in, right?

Now, I'm scared,

so I can't let go,

so I've got my arms

around his stomach.

I'm fucking the shit

out of this nigga in his back.

He speed up, I speed up.

I gave him, like, 75 pops.

(IMITATES PUMPING)

The shit that pissed me off,

while I'm in mid-pump,

he's gonna turn around and go,

"Let's ride."

I said,

"Man, get the fuck off of me."

New York, it's been real.

My name is Kev Hart.

I fucking love y'all, man.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I appreciate you. Thank you.

Get fire on these bitches

one more time, man.

Thank you, New York.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Before I go,

I'm gonna end on a fucking

(STAMMERS) note

from the heart right now.

Uh... And I'm gonna try

not to be a bitch

and get emotional up here.

Dude, I am now one of few

to fucking perform

as a standup comedian

in Madison fucking

Square Garden.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Hey. Listen to me.

Listen to me.

You have no idea

the fucking feeling

that I have

going through my body

right now, man.

This is a fucking dream

come true.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Hey, this is a fucking dream

come true, man.

Thank you for being loyal.

Thank you for growing with me.

Thank you

for fucking enjoying me.

My name is Kev Hart,

I love y'all.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN SHOUTING)

Hey! Here they come.

Gather around. We're about to

throw a surprise.

(CROWD WHOOPING)

Here we go.

♪ I'm gonna take it

I'm gonna break it, hey!

♪ I'm gonna take it

I'm gonna break it, hey!

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

(WOMAN SHOUTING

IN ENCOURAGEMENT)

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

ALL: ♪ Go round,

go round, go round

♪ Go round, go round, go round

(ALL SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: ♪ Kevin, Kevin,

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin ♪

(ALL LAUGHING)

What?

Right now,

we're gonna beer bike.

For those who don't know

what a beer bike is,

it's a bike with

beer on it.

We're about to pedal

this bitch.

Everybody, let's go!

MAN: On three.

Let's go!

KEVIN: Pedal!

MAN: Check out the speed bump.

KEVIN: Pedal!

MAN: Whoa! Easy. We off, man.

We easy. We got it.

KEVIN: Pedal!

Pedal!

Halt! Halt on

the pedaling.

Halt! Pedal! Pedal!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, my God!

(GIRLS SQUEALING)

That's right. It's me.

This is me, people.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(SHOUTING)

MAN: You can't go right here.

KEVIN: Oh, shit!

WOMAN: We can't go right.

Oh, shit!

(HORN HONKING)

Yo! What the fuck

are y'all doing?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, my God, Kevin Hart?

(GIGGLING)

MAN: Yo,

you got a coloring book?

ALL: Aw!

KEVIN: Come on, dude.

MAN: She just noticed.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

MAN: Aw!

Can I get a picture with you?

Of course

you can get a picture.

Of course you can.

Got the Michael

Jackson fan.

I wanted to go to your show,

but I don't have money.

KEVIN: I've got

tickets for you.

(GASPS) Really?

KEVIN: I've got tickets

for you. Yes, I do.

COACH: So if you hit

the wickets, that's bowled.

MAN: Okay.

Out.

When he throws the wicket,

he hits one bounce,

and he hits that wood,

that person's out?

COACH: Yeah. Out.

Hey, don't hit me

with that fucking ball, man.

MAN 1: You got on

all the protection, Hendrix.

MAN 2: Except for your face.

(YELLING)

MAN 1: Damn!

That's an out.

Here you go.

Take it all off.

That's it? That's it?

You out, man.

That's it for you.

Why, I didn't get

a chance to...

Well, what the fuck was that?

Excuse me, sir,

do you know who

Kevin Hart is?

Ma'am?

All right, these girls are

gonna know me, right here.

Excuse me, ladies, it's me.

No, no, it's me.

No, no. It's just...

Damn it! Shit!

How you doing, sir?

My name is Kevin Hart.

I'm a famous comedian.

That's gonna change. A lot

of them are gonna change.

I'm Kevin Hart.

I'm a famous comedian.

Kevin Hart. Famous...

How you doing?

Soul Plane.

Yes, indeed! Ha!

So everybody in the States

that bootlegged it

and didn't think

it got anywhere,

it made it to London,

you bitch!

London, we love you, dawg.

It was fantastic.

I love you, Kevin.

My boy Kevin Hart ripped it,

you done know.

Listen, Kev, anytime,

come down here,

you're welcome. London.

Whoo! That was fire.

That's what's hot.

Whoo! That was fire.

Kevin Hart in London.

Kevin Hart!

I stood there,

and my sides are

hurting where I laughed

so hard. Seriously.

Kev. My man.

You got us running all over

the city, man! Come on!

Don't nobody ask me

nothing no more.

I'll do everything myself!

Kev, where'd you go?

Oh! I smell burning.

Is there

a phone booth in here?

MAN: Clark Kent.

Ain't no phone booth in here.

How you changed that fast?

Don't nobody ask me

if I'm nervous either,

'cause I'm not!

I'll knock your ass out.

And my hands ain't sweaty,

so don't try to touch them.

Don't touch it.

And I don't have swamp ass.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

What're you talking about?

Huh?

It's G shit up here, homie.

Why don't you just be

my friends and shake it up?

'Cause it's go time right now.

Huh? I'm pumped up, baby.

You hear me?

I'm ready for this life. Huh?

I'm so ready for this.

Close them up, Joe.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know what we do.

That was last year.

That's right.

You got it, homie.

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

What are you doing?

I didn't forget it

'cause I'm nervous.

What is he doing?

Ain't nobody

forget nothing!

It's showtime, man!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey! I'm about

to explain, baby!