Katt Williams: Kattpacalypse (2012) - full transcript

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(fireworks popping)

- LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA,

Y'ALL READY FOR THIS BITCH?

[cheers and applause]

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP

FOR MR. KATT WILLIAMS!

[heartbeat]

- AS FAR RETIREMENTS GO,

THIS ONE HAS CLEARLY HIT

ROCK BOTTOM.

BUT NOW,



WHAT A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE.

AND LOOK AT

ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

QUESTION IS,

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

CAN COME FROM THREE YEARS

LIVING UNDER A ROCK

AND THEN

COME BACK INTO THIS?

WHY, YOU NEED MORE

THAN YOUR HAIR DONE UP

IN THE MAYOR

OF WHOVILLE STYLE AND A CAPE.

LUCKILY FOR ME, I ALWAYS



HAVE A SECRET WEAPON.

[heartbeat]

[MC Hammer by Rick Ross]

♪ ♪

- BOSS.

RICKY ROSS.

IT'S TRIPLE "C".

COLOR, CUT, CLARITY.

♪ MY GUN DIRTY ♪

♪ MY BRICK CLEAN ♪

♪ I'M RIDING DIRTY ♪

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

OF LOS ANGELES,

WELCOME TO 2012,

GODDAMN IT!

LOOK AROUND.

SHIT!

WHOO!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

2012 IS UPON US, AND BITCH

NIGGAS AIN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT.

I GOTTA TELL YOU WHY.

FIRST OF ALL, HOW MANY PEOPLE

IS HAPPY THAT BARACK OBAMA

IS THE PRESIDENT OF THESE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I UNDERSTAND HOW

THAT COULD BE A DIVISIVE ISSUE.

BUT AMERICA AIN'T ABOUT

DIVISION, GODDAMN IT.

IT'S ABOUT UNITY.

AND NEVER HAVE WHITE PEOPLE

AND BLACK PEOPLE

BEEN SO UNITED

AND DISGUSTED

AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME

AS WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME SAY THIS

IN FRONT OF NIGGAS.

WE HAVE HAD A BLACK PRESIDENT

FOR QUITE SOME TIME RIGHT NOW,

AND WE HAVE NOT HAD

AN OPPORTUNITY AS NIGGAS

TO THANK YOU,

WHITE PEOPLE,

FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE

LET OUR COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF,

A NIGGA,

RUN THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY.

WE APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM.

YOU LET THE NIGGA

SHOW UP TO WORK.

WE THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

WHITE PEOPLE.

UNDERSTAND THAT

FROM NIGGAS.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, WHAT YOU NEED TO

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

IS WE HAVE BEEN CONFUSED

EVER SINCE THE NIGGA

GOT ELECTED.

WE DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

WE WORKING ON FAITH,

WHITE PEOPLE.

UNDERSTAND...

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- WHEN A NIGGA

TAKES THE OFFICE,

AS NIGGAS,

WE HAVE A MEETING.

WHITE PEOPLE--"WHAT?"

AS NIGGAS,

WE HAVE A MEETING.

WE DECIDED WE WAS

GONNA SUPPORT HIM.

NOW, AS A NIGGA,

IT IS HARD

FOR US TO NOT TALK SHIT

ABOUT WHAT A MOTHERFUCKER'S

DOING ON HIS GODDAMN JOB.

THAT'S KIND OF OUR SHIT

IS TO TALK SHIT

ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK

YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

NOW, NIGGAS SOMEHOW

SWALLOWED ALL THAT.

AND NIGGAS SUPPORTED OBAMA

EVERY STEP OF THE GODDAMN WAY.

AND IN THE BEGINNING,

WE WAS TALKING

WITH BASS IN OUR VOICE,

AND USING GESTURES,

AND STOMPING OUR FEET AND SHIT.

LOOK, HOW LONG

DID IT TAKE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

TO RUN THIS COUNTRY

IN THE GODDAMN GROUND?

NOW, YOU WANT THIS NIGGA

TO DO MAGIC?

THAT WAS US EIGHT MONTHS

AFTER THE ELECTION.

THAT WAS US.

FOUR MONTHS AFTER THAT, WE HAD

LOST ALL THE BASS OUR VOICE.

WE JUST--"LOOK, WE DON'T KNOW

WHAT THIS NIGGA IS DOING,

"BUT HE'S TRYING, OKAY?

"YOU GOT TO GIVE

THIS NIGGA A CHANCE.

"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK

HE WORKING WITH RIGHT NOW.

HE--"

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME JUST

TELL YOU, ON BEHALF OF NIGGAS,

NOBODY WATCHES A PRESIDENTIAL

SPEECH HARDER THAN NIGGAS.

WE BE WAITING ON THIS NIGGA

TO SAY ANYTHING

THAT HAVE SOMETHING

TO DO WITH US.

WE J--

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE,

I'VE BEEN SO PROUD OF Y'ALL.

Y'ALL HAVE BECOME NIGGAS

IN THIS RECESSION

THE WAY I KNEW YOU COULD.

OH, LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE--

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN

'BECAME NIGGAS'?" OH, YES.

OH, WE ALL NIGGAS NOW.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR

ABOUT THE 99%?

THAT'S NIGGAS.

MM-HMM.

NOT GONNA BE ABOUT RACE

NO MORE IN 2012.

MM-MM.

IT'S BIGGER THAN THAT.

AIN'T ABOUT WHITE AND BLACK.

NO, NO, AIN'T ABOUT THAT.

IT'S ABOUT YOU VERSUS THEM.

THEM VERSUS US.

WE VERSUS THEM.

AND FUCK THEY MOTHERFUCKING

ASSES BEFORE WE BEGIN.

NOW,

UNDERSTAND THIS,

WHITE PEOPLE,

YOU CANNOT

CONFUSE THE FACTS.

YOU ONLY VOTED FOR THIS NIGGA

BECAUSE HE WAS

KIND OF A NIGGA.

HE WASN'T NO

FULL-FLEDGED NIGGA.

YOU WASN'T GONNA

PUT NO WHOLE NIGGA

IN THE GODDAMN

WHITE HOUSE.

AND NOW YOU WANNA

BLAME THIS NIGGA

FOR NOT DOING

NIGGARDLY SHIT?

"HE NEVER GETS ANGRY.

HE NEVER RAISES HIS VOICE.

HE'S JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

HE WON'T--"

YOU WANT HIM

TO BE A NIGGA?

I DON'T THINK YOU WANT HIM

TO BE A NIGGA. I DON'T--

I DON'T THINK YOU READY

TO SEE MICHELLE OBAMA

COME TO THE NEWS CONFERENCE

IN FLIP-FLOPS.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY.

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE,

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

WE ALL IN THIS

TOGETHER.

AS BLACK PEOPLE, WE DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK WAS GON' HAPPEN.

ALL WE KNEW WAS IT WAS TIME

FOR SOME SHIT TO HAPPEN.

THAT'S ALL WE KNEW.

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE US

IN THE FACT

THAT WE VOTED FOR A NIGGA

TO BE A SUPERHERO

AND FORGOT TO ASK THE NIGGA,

"COULD HE FLY?"

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO

UNDERSTAND HOW READY NIGGAS WAS

THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION.

YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

WE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

THAT NIGGA COULD HAVE

SAID ANYTHING.

WE WAS AT THE HOUSE

IN DOUBLE DUTCH MODE, JUST...

[laughter]

THAT NIGGA COULD HAVE

SAID ANYTHING.

BARACK OBAMA COULD HAVE CAME OUT

THE NEXT DAY AFTER THE ELECTION

AND SAID,

"I WANT ALL NIGGAS

TO GO OUTSIDE

AND CLEAN UP TRASH,"

AND IT'D HAVE BEEN GANGBANGERS

ALL OVER INGLEWOOD JUST...

[laughter]

I DON'T THINK YOU WANNA

DROP THAT RIGHT THERE

TODAY, MY NIGGA.

YOU UNDERSTAND

WHAT I'M SAYING?

[laughter]

NOW, WE DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK GOING ON.

WE JUST WAITING ON OBAMA

TO GIVE US OUR WORD.

WE'VE BEEN

WAITING SO LONG,

THAT NIGGA COULD GIVE US

ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

THAT NIGGA

COULD GIVE NIGGAS

FREE SMALL FRIES

EVERY 14th THURSDAY,

AND THAT WOULD BE

GOOD ENOUGH.

BUT, WHITE PEOPLE,

WHAT WE AIN'T GONNA LET YOU DO

IS TALK ABOUT THIS NIGGA

LIKE HE AIN'T A CHILD OF GOD.

THIS NIGGA BEEN OUT THERE

DOING HIS GODDAMN JOB.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

I DO SEEM TO REMEMBER

THAT FOR EIGHT YEARS,

WE COULDN'T FIND

THE SAME ONE GODDAMN TERRORIST

WE WAS LOOKING FOR.

I SAID, "ONE GODDAMN TERRORIST

THAT WE WAS LOOKING FOR."

I SAID, "ONE GODDAMN TERRORIST

THAT WE WAS LOOKING FOR."

AND MY GODDAMN PRESIDENT

DONE KILLED EVERY

GODDAMN TERRORIST

THAT EVER GODDAMN LIVED.

YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

[cheers and applause]

I'M NOT SAYING IF YOU

PUT A NIGGA IN THE WHITE HOUSE,

HE WON'T FUCK UP

THE CREDIT OF THE COUNTRY.

[laughter]

BUT IF YOU WANT

SOME TERRORISTS,

YOU GET YOURSELF A NIGGA.

BARACK OBAMA

DIDN'T HAVE TO SEND IN

THE ARMY, AND THE NAVY,

AND THE COAST GUARD.

BARACK OBAMA SENT

THREE MOTHERFUCKERS IN.

KILLED EVERY TERRORIST.

JUST ONE TO SHOOT 'EM,

AND TWO TO POSE.

JUST...BAP, BAP!

♪ THE LAND OF THE FREE ♪

[cheers and applause]

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK

ABOUT NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT.

I THOUGHT

PRESIDENT BUSH SAID

THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN

WAS THE AXIS OF EVIL.

I THOUGHT HE SAID

HE WAS BEELZEBUB HIMSELF.

FOR MY SPANISH FRIENDS,

"SATAN, EL DIABLO."

[laughter]

NOT MY MOTHERFUCKING

PRESIDENT.

MY PRESIDENT FOUND THAT

MOTHERFUCKER IN AN UNFURNISHED,

ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT

WITH TWO GODDAMN MATTRESSES,

NO BACKBOARD, ONE BITCH,

NO PHONE, NO GUN,

THREE LAPTOPS,

AND A SMART PHONE.

THERE'S SOME DRUG DEALERS

IN HERE TONIGHT,

GOT THAT IN AN ESCALADE.

NO.

NO, YOU DON'T WANNA

FUCK WITH AMERICA, BABY.

UH-UH,

ALL THE TERRORISTS GONE.

WHAT OF FUCKING

SADDAM HUSSEIN?

OH, HE WAS A DICTATOR

FOR 40 YEARS.

THEY PULLED THAT MOTHERFUCKER

OUT OF A EIGHT-FOOT HOLE

WITH A TWINKIE,

A DING-DONG,

AND A KING JAMES VERSION

OF A COPY OF THE BIBLE.

THAT NIGGA

CAME OUT THE HOLE

LOOKING LIKE ME

WITH NO PERM IN A MUG SHOT.

[laughter]

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

DUDE SAID, "YOU'RE UGLY."

YEAH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO THINK THAT, FAG.

I DON'T DO THIS SHIT

FOR WHAT MEN THINK.

WE'RE ALL MEN.

WE ALL THINK LIKE MEN.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU

ONE THING--

IF YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING

THAT'LL SUSTAIN YOU,

LET ME SHOW

YOU A LITTLE SECRET

AS TO WHAT GIVES ME

THE STRENGTH TO SAY

"FUCK SATAN" RIGHT IN HIS

MOTHERFUCKING FACE.

LADIES, WOULD YOU MAKE SOME

MOTHERFUCKING NOISE ONE TIME?

[women cheering]

WHOO!

WELL...

WELL, SWEET BABY JESUS,

HOO, HOO, HOO.

YES, FELLAS.

IT'S 2012.

IF YOU GOT YOU A GIRL,

TIME TO STOP FUCKING AROUND.

IT'S 2012, IT'S THE GODDAMN

FOURTH QUARTER.

WHATEVER DECISION

YOU FUCKING MADE,

IT'S DONE NOW.

NOW, LADIES,

THAT DON'T APPLY TO Y'ALL.

I UNDERSTAND SOME OF Y'ALL

MIGHT BE IN HERE

WITH A STEPPIN' STONE NIGGA.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY TO GET YOU

THROUGH TILL YOU SEE YOURSELF.

NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT.

BUT 2012 HAS COME, AND THEY GOT

SOME SURPRISES FOR US,

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

MAKE SURE YOU GOT

SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE

THAT BELONG YOU--

SOME SHIT

THAT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU.

WHAT I'M SAYING FELLAS,

IF YOU GOT A WOMAN

THAT'S SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE,

PUT THE GAMES ON HOLD

FOR A SECOND,

AND FUCK THIS BITCH LIKE YOU

NEED HER IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.

JUST FUCK HER LIKE YOU NEED HER

IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE,

IN CASE THE WORLD

COME TO AN END ON 2012.

NOW, LADIES...

LADIES, WE NEED Y'ALL

COME ON BACK HOME.

I UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOU LADIES

DONE GOT BESIDE YOURSELF.

WE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

WE SAW IT HAPPENING,

WE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

WE SAW Y'ALL GOING OFF

TO THE LITTLE FREAKY NASTY,

LITTLE DIRTY, LITTLE SNEAKY

FREAKY, LITTLE NASTY STORE.

AND WE SAW YOU

PURCHASING YOURSELF ITEMS

FOR 24, 29, 39.95,

AND WE KNOW YOU GOT YOURSELF

A RABBIT AND A BULLET,

AND A BULLET

WITH A RABBIT.

NOW, THERE AIN'T NOTHING

WRONG WITH IT, LADIES,

BUT TIME TO BRING YOUR

ASS BACK HOME FOR 2012.

SOME OF Y'ALL DONE

FUCKED YOUR WHOLE CLITORIS UP,

FUCKING AROUND.

LOOK AT THE LADIES.

"WHAT?"

SOME OF YOU LADIES HAVE FUCKED

YOUR ENTIRE VAGINA UP

BEING GREEDY.

JUST BECAUSE

YOU HAVE SOMETHING

THAT CAN HIT YOUR SPOT

EVERY TIME, BITCH,

DOES NOT MEAN YOU

GOT TO HIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER

136 TIMES ON TARGET,

JUST--

[imitates buzzing]

FUCKED YOUR WHOLE

GODDAMN CLITORIS UP.

US FELLAS, WE REMEMBER YOUR

CLITORIS THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

WE REMEMBER WHEN

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS SO SHY

IT WOULDN'T EVEN

COME OUT THE HOOD.

YOU HAD TO GET DOWN THERE

AND TALK SWEET TO IT AND SHIT.

"YOU JUST COME ON

OUT OF THERE.

I SEE YOU IN THERE."

[laughter]

NOW YOU DONE HIT THAT

MOTHERFUCKER SO MANY TIMES,

THAT BITCH IS ALL

OUTSIDE OF YOUR CLITORIS,

JUST OUTSIDE

OF THE CAMEL TOE,

PUSHING THE LABIA BACK.

"BITCH, YOUR CLITORIS

IS SCARING MY PENIS.

YOU CAN'T EVEN--"

[laughter]

MY ONLY POINT IS IT'S TIME

TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

IT DON'T MATTER IF WHAT YOU GOT

IN YOUR LIFE IS FUCKED UP.

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK

YOU GOT.

2012 COMING,

AND THEY NOT GOING TO TELL US

THE SHIT WE NEED TO KNOW.

THAT'S WHY WE ALL

GOT TO WORK TOGETHER.

WHITE PEOPLE,

WE NEED Y'ALL TO REMEMBER

THAT Y'ALL

WERE HERE WITH US.

YOU LOVE MEXICANS AND NIGGAS,

AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T.

LOOK AT THEM ON THE SPOT.

[laughter]

I CERTAINLY DO.

WHITE PEOPLE,

THIS IS GONNA BE IMPORTANT.

2012 IS COMING.

THEY SAY IT IS GONNA BE

THE END OF THE WORLD,

AND, WHITE PEOPLE,

WE KNOW HOW Y'ALL DO

WHEN Y'ALL GET SOME GODDAMN

INFORMATION DON'T NOBODY KNOW.

WHITE PEOPLE

DON'T NEVER LEAVE.

THEY JUST DISAPPEAR.

JUST--

[laughter]

NIGGAS, WE GOTTA BE

CAREFUL IN 2012.

THEY TRYING

TO FUCK US OVER.

AS BLACK PEOPLE,

WE NEVER LEAVE ON TIME.

BROKE PEOPLE,

WE NEVER LEAVE.

AS BROKE FOLKS,

WE ALWAYS GOT TOO MUCH SHIT,

TOO MANY ENDS

TO PUT TOGETHER.

NOT RICH PEOPLE.

RICH PEOPLE GET THEY SHIT,

FIND OUT SOMETHING IS FUCKED UP,

AND THEY LEAVE.

AND I SPEAK FOR NIGGAS.

AND NIGGAS AIN'T GOT NOWHERE

TO GODDAMN GO, WHITE PEOPLE.

IF THE TERRORISTS STRIKE,

EVERYBODY FROM IRELAND

CAN GO RIGHT BACK TO IRELAND.

EVERYBODY FROM ENGLAND

GO RIGHT BACK.

DRAKE AND 100 CANADIANS,

ALL THE WAY.

♪ MAYBE SHE WILL ♪

WHAT ABOUT NIGGAS?

WE GOTTA GO TO OUR

GRANDMAMMA HOUSE

AND FIGURE OUT HOW MANY MINIVANS

WE EVEN GOT IN THE FAMILY.

IT'S COMING DOWN.

2012.

WHITE PEOPLE,

WE GONNA NEED YOU TO TELL US

WHAT THE FUCK IS

GOING ON.

THEY AIN'T GONNA

TELL US ON B.E.T.

ABOUT THE END

OF THE GODDAMN WORLD.

JUST UNDERSTAND

WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE VIDEOS STILL

GONNA PLAYING.

THEY NOT EVEN GONNA

PUT SHIT DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.

"NIGGAS, LOOK OUTSIDE.

THE WORLD IS ENDING."

NOTHING.

[laughter]

EVERY TIME I SEE

MY PRESIDENT,

IT LOOK TO ME LIKE THEY DONE

TOLD THAT NIGGA SOME SHIT

HE CAN'T FUCKING TELL US.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE OBAMA,

HE LOOKING LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

UNDERSTAND.

WE ALREADY KILLED

ALL THE TERRORISTS.

AIN'T NO FUCKING MORE.

THEY BEAT THE SHIT

OUT OF MUAMMAR GADDAFI'S ASS.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW WHAT

HAPPENED TO MUAMMAR GADDAFI.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS

THE PRESIDENT OF HIS COUNTRY,

AND, THANKS TO FACEBOOK...

[laughter]

THEY GAVE THIS...

THEY GAVE

THIS MOTHERFUCKER A BEATING

NIGGAS WASN'T EVEN

FAMILIAR WITH.

IT'S HARD TO IMPRESS NIGGAS

WITH GETTING YOUR ASS WHOOPED.

AS NIGGAS, WE'VE SEEN IT DONE

ALL KINDS OF WAYS.

NEVER IN THE HISTORY

OF NIGGADOM

HAVE WE EVER SEEN A MOTHERFUCKER

GET HIS ASS WHOOPED

ALL THE WAY

TO AN EXECUTION.

YOU BEAT THIS NIGGAS ASS

TO KILL HIM?

YOU COULD'VE JUST KILLED HIM.

Y'ALL SORRY SONS OF BITCHES.

AND CNN AIN'T SHIT.

CNN SAID THEY WASN'T GONNA SHOW

IT WHILE THEY WERE SHOWING IT

IN SLOW MOTION,

AND PUT SUBTITLES

UNDER THIS BITCH

SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND

WHAT HE WAS SAYING CLEARLY.

[whoops indistinctly]

"STOP IT.

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

I AM THE PRESIDENT."

THEY BEAT THAT NIGGA

LIKE CONRAD MURRAY

AT A MICHAEL JACKSON

CONCERT.

[laughter]

OH, IT--

2012 IS FOR REAL.

THEY SAID THE MAYANS

WAS TALKING ABOUT 2012.

THEN THEY SAID

THE MAYANS DISAPPEARED.

I'M HERE TO TELL

MY PEOPLE IT'S TIME

TO STOP BELIEVING BULLSHIT

JUST 'CAUSE A MOTHERFUCKER

TELL YOU BULLSHIT

WITH A STRAIGHT

LOOK ON THEIR FACE.

WE TOO OLD, WE TOO SMART.

WE TOO MOTHERFUCKING GOOD

TO BELIEVE SHIT

DON'T MAKE

NO FUCKING SENSE.

YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE

BELIEVING IN EVOLUTION

WITH YOUR STUPID,

MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS.

EVOLUTION SAY PEOPLE

CAME FROM MONKEYS,

AND THE QUESTION IS,

"WHY IS THERE STILL MONKEYS,

YOU DUMB

MOTHERFUCKER, YOU?"

IS THESE

THE RETARDED MONKEYS?

THEY DIDN'T

TURN INTO PEOPLE JUST YET?

GET YOUR STUPID ASS

THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

[laughter]

FITTIN' TO BE 2012,

AND YOU BETTER

BELIEVE SOMETHING.

DON'T NOBODY GIVE A FUCK

WHAT YOU BELIEVE.

YOU BETTER

BELIEVE SOMETHING.

IF THERE'S ANY ATHEISTS

IN THE HOUSE,

LET ME SAY,

"YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS."

I DON'T CARE WHAT GOD

YOU BELIEVE IN,

YOU GOT TO BE

A SPECIAL KIND OF RETARDED

TO BE TOO STUPID TO MAKE UP

A GOD IF THERE WASN'T ONE.

POOR THING,

WHO DO YOU EVEN PRAY TO?

NOBODY.

EVEN WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING,

WHY DO YOU FUCK?

YOU CAN'T EVEN COME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU COME,

ATHEIST?

"OH, OH, OH..."

NOTHING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE THAT'S

WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.

YOU CAN'T EVEN--

[laughter]

2012's COMING.

WE ALREADY READY.

BEEN READY.

I DON'T CARE

WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN--

BELIEVE IN SOMETHING.

WHITE PEOPLE,

LET ME TELL YOU THIS--

EVERY TIME YOU SEE A NIGGA,

THAT DOES NOT MEAN

THAT NIGGA HAS BEEN ENDORSED

BY OTHER NIGGAS.

WHITE PEOPLE,

LET ME STAND HERE

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE

NIGGAS AND SAY PUBLICLY,

WE WERE SO MOTHERFUCKING

EMBARRASSED

WHEN HERMAN, BLACK,

JIMINY-CRICKET-ASS CAIN.

CAME OUT

THE GODDAMN WOODWORK.

WHITE PEOPLE,

DO YOU SEE US?

LOOK AT NIGGAS.

WE...

WE HAD NO IDEA, WHITE PEOPLE.

WE HAD NO...

AND SOME WHITE PEOPLE

LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

HIM FUCKING PEOPLE?"

NO, NO,

WE DIDN'T CLEAR THAT NIGGA.

[laughter]

WE DID NOT CLEAR THIS NIGGA,

WHITE PEOPLE.

DO YOU HEAR?

AIN'T NOBODY KNOW THIS NIGGA.

THIS NIGGA...

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME SAY

WHEN NIGGAS FOUND OUT

WHAT WITH THIS

NIGGA'S QUALIFICATIONS WAS

FOR RUNNING THE COUNTRY,

WHEN WE FOUND OUT

THIS NIGGA SOLD PIZZA...

[laughter]

LET ME USE YOUR WORD,

WHITE PEOPLE,

WE WERE FLABBERGASTED.

[laughter]

THE AUDACITY OF THIS NIGGA!

IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR

GOOD-PIZZA-SELLING ASS

ON SOMEWHERE, HERMAN...

NIGGAS THAT HAD

A HARD ENOUGH TIME

TRYING TO GODDAMN

STICK UP FOR BARACK.

HERE COME HERMAN CAIN'S

STUPID ASS.

NIGGA, YOU CAN'T BE

NO GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

NIGGA,

YOUR NAME IS HERMAN CAIN.

THAT'S TWO REASONS

YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT, NIGGA.

YOUR FIRST NAME

IS HERMAN, NIGGA,

YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT

IF YOUR NAME IS HERMAN.

NIGGA, SAY IT THREE TIMES,

HERMAN, HERMAN, HERMAN.

LISTEN TO THAT.

WE ALREADY HAD A FAMOUS HERMAN.

HE WAS A MONSTER, NIGGA,

YOU CAN'T BE

NO GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

TALKING ABOUT YOU SOLD

SOME GODDAMN PIZZA TO WHO?

YOU DIDN'T

SELL IT TO NIGGAS.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE NEVER HEARD

OF GODDAMN GODFATHER'S PIZZA,

LET ALONE HAVE A SLICE.

THAT NIGGA AIN'T BEEN

BEATING DOMINO'S.

DOMINO'S HAS BEEN

BEATIN' THE DOG SHIT

OUT OF THAT GODDAMN

PIZZA PLACE.

HE CAN'T EVEN BEAT

LITTLE CAESARS,

AND LITTLE CAESARS

AIN'T EVEN EVERYWHERE.

HE SURE AIN'T GONNA

BEAT PAPA JOHN,

THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S

ON CRACK OR SOMETHING.

HE WANT TO MAKE THE PIZZA,

DELIVER THE PIZZA,

EAT THE PIZZA,

BE IN THE COMMERCIAL.

PAPA JOHN'S.

WE AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE

TO BEAT HIM, HERMAN.

YOUR LAST NAME IS CAIN, NIGGA,

YOU KILLED ABEL, NIGGA.

IF YOU DON'T

GET THE FUCK UP OUT OF HERE,

FUCKING IT UP FOR NIGGAS.

WHOO.

WHITE PEOPLE WANT BARACK OBAMA

OUT OF OFFICE SO GODDAMN BAD.

OH, YOU SHOULD HEAR THEM

MOTHERFUCKERS ON TALK RADIO.

OH, THEY HATE THIS NIGGA.

IF THEY COULD

SAY THE WORD "NIGGA,"

OH, THEY'D SAY IT EVERY--

OH, THEY HATE THIS NIGGA.

OH...

OH, "GODDAMN,

HE'S FUCKIN' FUCKIN' UP

THE GODDAMN COUNTRY

IS WHAT HE'S DOIN'.

GODDAMN ENTITLEMENT.

[laughter]

POOR NIGGA, POOR NIGGA.

JUST...

UNDERSTAND,

IT'S FITTIN' TO BE 2012.

THE MAYANS

WASN'T BULLSHITTIN'.

THE MAYANS SAID IT WAS

SOME SHIT OUT THERE,

AND THEN SUDDENLY,

THE MAYANS DISAPPEARED.

NOW, THEY TELL US

THE MAYANS DISAPPEARED

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND

NONE OF THEIR FUCKIN' BONES.

BUT LET ME REMIND YOU

THAT YOU'VE CAN GO

TO ANY MOTHERFUCKIN' MUSEUM

ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,

AND THEY

GOT A WHOLE 62-FOOT DINOSAUR

FROM HIS NOSE

ALL THE WAY TO HIS NUT SACK,

AND HIS TOES,

5 BILLION GODDAMN YEARS AGO.

[laughter]

HAD A LITTLE COMPANY USED

TO BE IN AMERICA CALLED NASA,

STANDING FOR "NATIONAL

AIR SPACE EXPLORATION."

[laughter]

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, NIGGAS,

IT STOOD FOR GOING UP THERE.

LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE--"THAT IS

NOT WHAT IT STOOD FOR AT ALL."

[laughter]

"THAT WOULD BE N-E-A-S-A.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S T--"

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS

NASA USED

TO REPORT TO US,

LET US KNOW WHAT THE FUCK

THEY WAS DOING.

AND FOR 40 YEARS,

THEY SPENT $500 MILLION A YEAR

SENDING SPACE SHUTTLES UP,

BRINGING THEM BACK DOWN,

AND THEY USED TO LET

US SEE 'EM WHEN THEY TOOK OFF.

[imitates rocket]

AND THEN WHEN THEY LANDED,

WE'D BE RIGHT THERE,

AND WE'D SAY,

"SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT."

THEN THEY STARTED

DOING SNEAKY SHIT.

TAKING OFF

THE SPACE SHUTTLES

AT 3:00 IN THE GODDAMN

MORNIN' AND SHIT,

LANDING THEM

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

AND IF THERE AIN'T NOBODY

LOOKING, THEY'D JUST WALK OFF,

JUST--[imitates rocket]

[laughter]

AND NOW ON CNN,

THEY SAY

THEY JUST DISCOVERED

16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS.

16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS.

NOW, LET ME SPEAK

FOR ALL NIGGAS WHEN I SAY,

"WHAT THE FUCK

IS A GODDAMN SUPER-EARTH?

"WE THOUGHT

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS SUPER

THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME."

LOOK AT NIGGAS, "I DON'T

BELIEVE NONE OF THIS SHIT."

IT'S TRUE, NIGGAS,

THEY HAD IT ON CNN THE SAME

GODDAMN DAY I WAS ON CNN.

HOW THE FUCK

COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT?

THEY PUT THE SHIT

RIGHT UP UNDER ME,

BLEW A NIGGA'S WHOLE HIGH,

JUST, "16 NEW SUPER EARTHS?"

[laughter]

THEY PLANNING

ON LEAVING US, PEOPLE.

[laughter]

PLEASE REMEMBER

WHERE YOU HEARD IT FIRST,

RIGHT AT THE CUSP OF 2012.

THEY ARE PLANNING ON LEAVING OUR

MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS RIGHT THERE.

THEY GOT SPACE SHUTTLES

LINED UP

WITH GPS NAVIGATION,

ONSTAR...

[laughter]

'CAUSE REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU

THE 99%--THEM WAS NIGGAS?

AND WE'RE

THE ORIGINAL NIGGAS.

RICH PEOPLE IS TIRED OF GOING

ON VACATION, SEEING NIGGAS.

[laughter]

RICH PEOPLE MAKE

$100 MILLION DOLLARS.

CAN'T ESCAPE NIGGAS.

MAKE $100 MILLION DOLLARS,

GO TO AFRICA FOR A SAFARI,

AND ALL THEY WANNA SEE

IS SOME ANIMALS.

NIGGAS EVERYWHERE.

"IT WAS A NIGGA THAT LED US

TO THE GIRAFFE.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?"

LOOK ON YOUR MAP

WHEN YOU GET HOME.

LOOK AT EVERYWHERE

THAT NIGGAS ARE.

SURE, THEY BROKE.

SURE, THEY HUNGRY.

[laughter]

EVERY LAST

ONE OF THEM NIGGAS

LIVE RIGHT UP UNDER A PALM TREE

ON A SANDY BEACH.

GO AHEAD.

TRY TO TAKE YOUR DUMB ASS

TO JAMAICA AND NOT SEE NIGGAS.

GO ON.

THE WHOLE BAHAMAS.

GO ON OVER THERE,

TURKS AND CAICOS.

SEE HOW MANY

NIGGAS YOU SEE.

GO ON TO HAITI.

NIGGAS, NIGGAS EVERYWHERE.

JUST NIGGAS THROWN

ON THE STREET, JUST...

STOMACHS GROWLING,

PERFECTLY TANNED.

[laughter]

BETTER BELIEVE SOMETHING.

THIS SHIT GONNA COME

TO A MOTHERFUCKING END.

BETTER HAVE SOMETHING

TO BELIEVE IN.

IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN, MAKE SOME

MOTHERFUCKING NOISE IN THE HOUSE

IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN.

[crowd cheers]

OH, YES. YES.

Y'ALL SUPPOSED TO BE

THE MOST EXCITED.

OH. OH.

AS LONG AS Y'ALL

DONE HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT?

OH...

CHRISTIANS SUPPOSED TO BE

WALKING RIGHT UP TO 2012.

[laughter]

FACT OF THE MATTER IS

SOME PEOPLE BEEN

LYING ON JESUS.

AND HE'S FITTIN'

TO COME BACK.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO LIE

TO HIM WHEN HE LOOKING AT YOU.

ALL THAT SHIT

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT,

JESUS GIVING A FUCK

'BOUT YOUR BUILDING FUND.

[laughter]

I BET JESUS DON'T KNOW

NOTHING ABOUT YOUR ROOF.

I BET HE DON'T EVEN KNOW,

BET HE DON'T EVEN KNOW.

MM-HMM.

BETTER HOPE

HE DON'T COME BACK,

'CAUSE SOMEBODY

BEEN BULLSHITTING.

EVERYBODY AIN'T BEEN

TELLING THE TRUTH.

SEE, ALL THESE

MOTHERFUCKERS BE TALKING

ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD

'CAUSE THEY DON'T WANT

THAT MOTHERFUCKER TO COME,

'CAUSE THEY KNOW THEY BULLSHIT

GONNA BE FRONT AND CENTER.

LOOK AT THE ROMAN

CATHOLIC CHURCH.

THAT'S THE FIRST CHURCH

THAT EVER WAS.

BEAUTIFUL SHIT.

THEY GOT SOME OF THE BEST CHURCH

YOU EVER FUCKING SAW.

EVEN NIGGAS STOP AND WATCH IT

WHEN IT COME ON TV.

JUST, WHEN YOU SEE--JUST--

[imitates

religious chanting]

[laughter]

NIGGAS BE AT

THEIR HOUSE LIKE,

"THAT'S SOME FLY-ASS SHIT

ON THE LOW, NIGGA."

'CAUSE WE BE THINKING,

IF THE CHOIR CAME IN

RIGHT AFTER THEM, NIGGA,

JUST--

[rhythmically]

"JESUS IS COMING BACK."

[chanting]

THEN WE FIND OUT

THE PRIEST

IS FUCKING LITTLE BOYS

IN THE CONFESSIONAL.

WHOO! JESUS IS NOT GONNA BE

HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

YOU BETTER TELL

SOME OF THEM NUNS

TO START GIVING OUT

SOME PUSSY OR SOMETHING,

'CAUSE YOU GONNA

HAVE TO EVEN THAT UP

BEFORE JESUS GET BACK.

HE IS NOT--

LET ME SAY, IF YOU'VE TRIED

TO LOOK FOR A GOD,

AND YOU AIN'T GOT ONE,

YOU COULD DO A LOT WORSE

THAN CHRISTIANITY.

LET ME TELL YOU, IF YOU AIN'T

GOT NOBODY TO WORSHIP,

YOU COULD GO FOR JESUS.

JESUS HAS BEEN KICKING ASS

FOR A LONG TIME.

JESUS--THAT IS--

HE IS SOMETHING ELSE.

FIRST OF ALL, UNDERSTAND,

YOU DON'T NEVER EVEN SEE

A PICTURE OF JESUS OUT OF FOCUS.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE JESUS,

HE RIGHT LOOKING

AT THE CAMERAMAN.

HIS ROBES IS CLEAN,

HIS PERM IS STRAIGHT,

CUT IN A BOB,

GOT A NICE BEARD TO LET YOU KNOW

HE AIN'T NO PUSSY--

AIN'T NOTHIN' TO BE

FUCKED AROUND WITH.

[laughter]

- WE LOVE YOU, KATT!

- BETTER HAVE SOMETHING

TO BELIEVE IN.

IT AIN'T A LOT

OF JESUSES OUT THERE.

SOME OF THESE RELIGIONS

GOT TERRIBLE GODS.

I LOVE THE BUDDHIST PEOPLE,

THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN NOTHIN'

BUT PEACE AND LOVE.

BUT, UH, IT'S GONNA BE

HARD FOR YOU TO GET, UH,

NIGGAS TO SERVE

YOUR GOD IF HE...

AIN'T BEEN TENDING

TO THE SELF CORRECTLY.

YOU--I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL

HAVE SEEN BUDDHA BEFORE,

BUT NIGGAS IS NOT

GONNA BE ABLE TO SERVE HIM.

HE HAS AN OBESITY PROBLEM.

NIGGAS IS--

JESUS WOULD'VE

HEALED THAT ALREADY.

HE WOULDN'T EVEN COME OUT HERE

WITH NO DAMN SHIRT ON

AND SOME PAMPERS AND SHIT,

TALKIN' 'BOUT--

JESUS PROBABLY SOMEWHERE

WITH A SHAKE WEIGHT RIGHT NOW,

GETTING READY

TO KICK SATAN'S ASS.

[laughter]

CAN'T BE SERVING NO BUDDHA,

THAT NIGGA LOOK LIKE RICK ROSS

IN THE PERIPHERAL.

YOU GET TO HEAVEN,

THAT NIGGA--

"OH...

I THINK I'M BIG. NEAT."

JESUS?

[laughter]

CAN'T SERVE THE HINDU GOD.

HINDU GOD IS TOO CONFUSING

FOR NIGGAS.

HINDU GOD IS A WOMAN,

AND SHE GREEN, AND SHE GOT

EIGHT ARMS, AND STAND LIKE THIS.

NO, WE MIGHT WANT

TO FUCK THAT BITCH ONCE,

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA BE...

GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING

TO BELIEVE IN.

GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING.

THE INDIANS, THEY TRIED

TO MAKE EVERYTHING A GOD.

YOU CAN'T PLAY

WITH GOD LIKE THAT.

NIGGAS DON'T WANT

EVERYTHING TO BE A GOD.

YOU CAN'T HAVE

NO CORN GOD, NIGGA.

"THERE'S THE GOD

OF THE WIND, AND--"

NO, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

"NO, IT'S THE CORN GOD."

AIN'T NOT GODDAMN CORN GOD,

MR. INDIAN.

"IT'S THE GOD OF THE CORN."

NO, IT'S NOT, BECAUSE

WHAT IS THAT IN MY FECES?

IS THAT...

[laughter]

Y'ALL BE CAREFUL.

I HEARD MITT ROMNEY

WAS A MORMON,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW SHIT

ABOUT THE MORMONS.

AND I LOOKED UP THE BOOK

AND FOUND OUT THEY HAVE

MULTIPLE WIVES.

I HURRY UP, CLOSED THE BOOK.

THAT'S SOME PIMP SHIT.

KEEP THAT.

WE MIGHT NEED THAT.

THAT MIGHT WORK OUT RIGHT THERE.

WE'LL KEEP THAT.

GIVE THAT SOME PRAYERFUL

CONSIDERATION THERE, YOU KNOW.

FITTIN' TO BE 2012,

IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.

GOTTA FIND YOU

SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

IT'S ABOUT THE THREE Rs.

IT'S ABOUT RELIGION,

RELATIONSHIP, 'RITHMETIC.

[laughter]

LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE,

"THAT IS NOT HOW IT'S SPELLED,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW."

WORLD GETTING CRAZY.

IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE,

UNDERSTAND,

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL.

I DID ALL THIS SHIT,

I WAS TRYING TO FIND WHATEVER

RELIGION WAS GONNA HELP ME.

I EVEN TRIED RASTAFARIAN,

AND LET ME TELL YOU...

THEY HAD MY ATTENTION,

LET ME TELL YOU, THEY--

THESE MOTHERFUCKERS SAY,

"WE BELIEVE EVERYTHING

CHRISTIANS BELIEVE.

WE JUST BELIEVE

THE HIGHER YOU GET,

THE CLOSER YOU ARE TO GOD."

[cheers and applause]

"WELL, I THINK

I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT."

NIGGA GETS SO HIGH, HE TRIED TO

LOOK IN JESUS' WINDOW AND SHIT.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY WANTS YOU

TO BELIEVE SOME SHIT.

FIND YOU SOMETHING

TO BELIEVE IN,

GET YOU SOME PEOPLE

THAT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU,

GET YOUR TEAM TOGETHER.

THE SHIT

GONNA HIT THE FAN.

THE BIBLE SAY,

"FIRST SHALL BE LAST,"

AND I DON'T KNOW,

BUT SPEAKING FOR NIGGAS,

WE HAVE BEEN

THE FIRST AT LAST

FOR A LONG TIME.

I DON'T THINK YOU EVER GONNA

BE ABLE TO BEAT US AT THAT.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE

ABLE TO OUT-LAST NIGGAS.

WE'VE BEEN LAST--

[laughter]

GAY PEOPLE WANNA BE NIGGAS.

THEY WANNA SAY

IT'S CIVIL RIGHTS. NO.

NO, 'CAUSE AS A GAY PERSON,

YOU CAN BE GAY.

YOU JUST--IT'S ABOUT WHAT KIND

OF PERSON YOU ARE GAY.

AS A NIGGA, WE WAS TREATED

LIKE ANIMALS FIRST,

THEN THEY LET US PUT ON CLOTHES,

THEN THEY LET US GET IN THE NBA.

[laughter]

WE GOT TO PROVE SOMETHING

FOR OURSELVES FOR GENERATIONS.

LIKE, WHEN I'M TALKING

TO MEXICANS,

I'M TALKING TO MEXICANS

LIKE THEY'RE REALLY NIGGAS,

'CAUSE AS FAR AS WE KNOW,

THEY THE CLOSEST TO NIGGAS

WE EVER SAW IN THIS

GODDAMN COUNTRY.

WE THOUGHT

THEY WAS OUR NIGGAS,

WE WAS PROUD

THAT THEY HAD A COUNTRY,

AND DECIDED TO COME OVER

HERE ANY MOTHERFUCKING WAY.

WE THOUGHT THAT WAS

SOME AMERICAN SHIT.

SEE, YOU GOT A LOT

OF POLITICIANS THAT TELL YOU,

"WE NEED TO KEEP

SOME PEOPLE OUT."

AIN'T NO MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE

TO KEEP THE FUCK OUT.

WE NEED EVERYBODY

THAT'S RIGHT THE FUCK HERE.

SEE, WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS WHEN YOU WATCH THE NEWS,

YOU SEE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE

TALKING SHIT ABOUT AMERICA.

UNDERSTAND, THEY TALKING SHIT

ABOUT AMERICA

FROM THEY LITTLE DUSTY-ASS,

PIECE OF SHIT-ASS COUNTRY

WITH NO GODDAMN

AIR CONDITIONING

AND NO WAY TO GET A MOUNTAIN DEW

AND A SNICKER BAR.

THAT AIN'T

OUR GODDAMN FAULT.

MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA SAY,

"WE SHOULD ALL BE EQUAL."

BULLSHIT.

EQUAL TO WHAT?

WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU.

[laughter]

DON'T BE ASHAMED

TO FUCKING SAY IT.

WE'RE BETTER

THAN THEY ARE.

WE WORK HARDER, WE TRY HARDER.

NOTHING BEATS US.

WE HAVE KICKED THIS RECESSION

SO MOTHERFUCKING HARD.

FIRST OF ALL, NIGGAS,

LET ME SAY WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

IT WAS A RECESSION

UNTIL THEY GAVE IT A WORD.

THIS IS THE SHIT NIGGAS

WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME,

WHITE PEOPLE,

WELCOME ABOARD.

WELCOME ABOARD,

GET YOURSELF SOME TOP RAMEN,

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

[cheers and applause]

AMERICA AIN'T ABOUT

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS TO YOU.

AMERICA IS

ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO

WHEN THE SHIT

HAPPENS TO YOU.

SO, NOW...

- PREACH ON, KATT!

- I HAVE TO COME BACK

AND TELL MY PEOPLE

THEY FITTIN' TO FUCK US.

WHEN YOU GO HOME

INTO YOUR 2012,

UNDERSTAND THEY ALREADY

HAVE CONCENTRATION CAMPS

IN THE UNITED STATES

OF MOTHERFUCKING AMERICA

THAT THEY'VE BEEN BUILDING

FOR FOUR YEARS NOW.

AND THE QUESTION IS,

WHO IN THE FUCK IS YOU

FITTIN' TO PUT IN THERE?

WE ALREADY GOT A PRISON,

AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER

IS SO PACKED.

'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY,

IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

IT'S ALL BULLSHIT,

WHITE PEOPLE.

CONRAD MURRAY

GOT FOUR YEARS,

AND AIN'T GONNA DO

BUT TWO OF THEM,

AND MOTHERFUCKERS LOOKING AT HIM

LIKE HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIGURE HE

GOT WHAT THE FUCK HE DESERVED?

YOU CAN MURDER

A BILLIONAIRE,

AND GET 2 1/2 YEARS

AND PROBATION?

THESE NIGGAS HAD ME

ON SIX YEARS OF PROBATION

FOR A BLUNT

I HADN'T LIT YET.

[cheers and applause]

UNDERSTAND THE BULLSHIT

IS HITTING THE FAN, GOD DAMN IT.

THEY GAVE CONRAD MURRAY'S

MOTHERFUCKING ASS

LESS THAN

FOUR GODDAMN YEARS.

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

THAT ONCE WAS A MAN

NAMED PLAXICO BURRESS.

NOW, THIS NIGGA SHOT

HIS SELF IN THE GODDAMN LEG.

UNDERSTAND THAT.

THIS NIGGA

ASSAULTED HIMSELF.

[laughter]

HE DIDN'T SNITCH

ON HIS SELF,

DIDN'T TURN HIS SELF IN,

FILE CHARGES AGAINST HIMSELF.

THREE WHOLE YEARS

PENITENTIARY

SHOOTING YOURSELF.

[laughter]

AND I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL

LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"YOU NOT FITTIN'

TO TALK ABOUT MICHAEL, ARE YOU?"

YES, I AM.

FIRST OF ALL,

LET ME START OFF BY SAYING,

WOULD ALL THE MICHAEL JACKSON

FANS PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE

IN THE BUILDING

THIS EVENING?

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T APOLOGIZE OFTEN.

THIS IS NOT A TIME

FOR ME TO START.

[laughter]

BUT WHEN I WAS TALKING, I WAS

TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY LIVE.

- GO AHEAD, KATT!

- AND THE FACT

OF THE MATTER IS

WE WATCHED THIS NIGGA

GET MURDERED,

RIGHT IN FRONT

OF OUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING FACE,

AND THE NIGGA KNEW

IT WAS FITTIN' TO HAPPEN.

HE TOLD US,

AND WE DIDN'T KNOW.

NIGGA NAMED HIS LAST TOUR,

"THIS IS IT."

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE,

LET ME JUST TELL YOU

A LITTLE NIGGA SECRET,

IF I COULD.

NIGGAS HAVE NEVER SAID,

"THIS IS IT,"

IN A CELEBRATORY FASHION.

LET ME JUST SAY...

WHITE PEOPLE

DO IT ALL THE TIME.

"THIS IS IT!"

NOT NIGGAS.

EVERY TIME WE SAYIN' IT,

WE SAY IT LIKE THIS,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, NIGGA?

THIS IS IT."

[mic thuds]

[laughter]

AND THEY STRAIGHT UP

KILLED THAT NIGGA.

KILLED HIM AND GAVE US

THE MOST BULLSHIT STORY

WE EVER HEARD

OUR ENTIRE LIFE.

FIRST, THEY TOLD US

THIS NIGGA WAS A DRUG ADDICT.

THEN WE FIND OUT

THIS NIGGA'S DRUG WAS SLEEP.

[laughter]

ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NIGGA

GOT HIGH AND WENT TO SLEEP?

YEAH,

THAT'S NO DRUG ADDICT.

SOMETHING'S AFOUL HERE.

THIS STORY DON'T GO TOGETHER.

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

NO STORY ENDS WITH COMA.

BUT CERTAINLY,

NO STORY STARTS WITH COMA.

THEY STARTED THIS NIGGA'S

STORY OFF WITH COMA.

SAID, "NIGGA..."

I DON'T KNOW

HOW HE WOULD SLEEP.

I'M SURE HE DON'T SLEEP REGULAR,

BUT I'M SURE HE WAS--

[laughter and applause]

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE WOULD SLEEP,

BUT I KNOW HE SLEPT FANCY.

[laughter]

THE NEXT STORY IS THIS NIGGA

WAS ASLEEP, IN A COMA.

THEN THEY SAY HE WAKES UP

OUT OF HIS COMA.

NOW, UNDERSTAND, NIGGAS,

THE WHOLE THING ABOUT A COMA

IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU CAN'T

GET THE FUCK UP FROM ONE.

I'LL COME BACK

TO THAT PART LATER.

SO, THE NIGGA WAKES UP

OUT OF THE COMA.

[laughter]

"CONRAD?

"CONRAD,

WHERE ARE YOU?

CONRAD, TITO,

SOMEONE, COME HERE."

THIS IS WHERE THE STORY

GETS FUCKED UP.

THEN THEY SAY

AIN'T NOBODY THERE.

SO THEY SAY

HE GRABS THE PROPOFOL...

AND INJECTS

HIS MOTHERFUCKING SELF,

AND GOES BACK INTO A COMA.

♪ GIRL, CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪

♪ LET THE PROPOFOL

INTO YOU ♪

[laughter]

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT A NIGGA

WOULD PAY SOMEBODY

$150,000 A MONTH

TO DO SOME SHIT

HE COULD WAKE UP OUT OF A COMA

AND DO FOR HIMSELF?

YOU CAN KISS

MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THAT'S LIKE ME PAYING A BITCH

TO SUCK MY DICK AFTER THE SHOW,

AND PAYING HER GIRLFRIEND

TO SWALLOW.

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE,

IT WAS A SET-UP.

WE KNEW IT AS SOON

AS WE SAW CONRAD MURRAY,

'CAUSE IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NO

NIGGA TO KILL MICHAEL JACKSON,

BUT IT CERTAINLY COULDN'T HAVE

BEEN NO WHITE DOCTOR.

OH...

[laughter]

IF A WHITE DOCTOR

HAD KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 600,000

NIGGAS IN MOON WALKING SOCKS

THE NEXT DAY JUST RIOTING

AND DANCING AT THE SAME TIME.

THEY GOT THAT PIECE

OF SHIT-ASS CONRAD MURRAY.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER--

THAT'S WHAT A SNAKE LOOK LIKE,

IN CASE YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING DEMON

LOOK LIKE IN PERSON,

LOOK AT CONRAD MURRAY'S

MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THAT NIGGA WAS ON TRIAL--

ANY TIME A NIGGA

CAN'T CRY.

WHITE PEOPLE,

UNDERSTAND,

NIGGAS EITHER CRY

ONE OF TWO WAYS--

NOT AT ALL...

OR ALL THE WAY.

[laughter]

CONRAD MURRAY

WAS ON TRIAL FOR 14 WEEKS

TRYING TO GET ONE TEAR

OUT HIS LYIN'-ASS EYES, JUST--

[laughter]

FUCK-ASS NIGGA.

YOU LET--THE BIBLE SAY,

DON'T BELIEVE NO NIGGA

THAT CAN'T SAY TRUTH.

THIS NIGGA ALL ON TV,

"I AM GOING TO

TELL THE TROOT."

WHAT DID THAT NIGGA SAY

HE WAS GONNA TELL?

"I AM GOING TO

TELL THE TROOT.

I HAVE FAIT."

THEN THAT NIGGA

HAD THIS TRIAL,

AND HE EMBARRASSED

EVERY NIGGA IN THE WORLD.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE CONRAD MURRAY TRIAL,

WHEN WE THOUGHT IT COULDN'T

GET NO FUCKING WORSE,

THIS NIGGA BRING OUT

AS A WITNESS,

THE OLDEST LIVING SLAVE

WE HAVE EVER SEEN.

PLEASE TELL ME

YOU SAW THAT OLD BITCH.

[laughter]

THAT BITCH WAS

136 GODDAMN YEARS OLD.

THAT BITCH...

IT TOOK HER SO LONG

TO GET TO THE STAND

THAT YOU KNEW THIS BITCH

WAS GONNA TELL THE TRUTH, SHE--

[laughter]

THIS BITCH WAS 136,

AND HER WIG WAS BRAND-NEW!

HAD THE TAG

STILL IN THAT BITCH.

HER SLAVE

MOTHERFUCKING ASS--

THIS BITCH

SNUCK ON THE STAND.

HOW DO YOU SIT LIKE A SLAVE?

SHE JUST...

[laughter]

EVERY TIME THE JUDGE

ASK HER SOMETHING,

"EXCUSE ME, JUDGE."

FUCKING JUDGE ASKED HER,

"IS CONRAD MURRAY GREEDY?"

AND THIS OLD, DECREPIT BITCH

ACTED LIKE "GREEDY"

WAS THE WORST INSULT

SHE HAD EVER HEARD

IN HER GODDAMN--

"GREEDY? NO, CONRAD, AIN'T--"

SHUT YOUR UGLY ASS

UP, BITCH.

THAT WAS THE ONLY PROBLEM

WITH MICHAEL JACKSON.

HIS FANS

WAS TOO GODDAMN NICE.

NICE-ASS MICHAEL JACKSON FANS

LETTING CONRAD MURRAY'S PUNK ASS

GO TO COURT

EVERY GODDAMN DAY

WITH NO SECURITY.

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO HAVE

SOME GHETTO FANS.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE

TO JUST KILL ME, NIGGA,

AND GO TO COURT

LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE A BITCH

TO HIT YOU WITH A BRICK

EVERY TIME

YOU SHOW UP TO COURT.

JUST, "I'M HERE--"

[laughter,

cheers and applause]

- WE LOVE YOU, KATT!

- FIVE MINUTES?

[crowd cheering]

- WE LOVE YOU!

- ALL RIGHT, LET ME, UM...

LET ME--LET ME JUST--

LET ME JUST TAKE THIS TIME

TO SAY THAT, UM...

FUCK.

OKAY, LOOK.

JUST CUT THIS REAL QUICK

SO I CAN TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

[laughter]

CUT.

OKAY.

NO--NO BULLSHIT.

I DON'T KNOW

EACH OF Y'ALL PERSONALLY,

BUT I ALWAYS FEEL

A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE

WHEN I'M UP HERE,

AND THE PEOPLE IS OUT HERE,

BECAUSE

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I REALLY WAS NEVER TALL,

EVEN WHEN I STARTED.

[laughter]

I NEVER WAS REALLY SPECIAL

TO FUCKING LOOK AT,

BUT WHEN I CAME TO L.A., NIGGAS

ACTED LIKE THEY UNDERSTOOD

WHERE THE FUCK

I WAS COMING FROM,

AND ALLOWED A NIGGA

TO BE THAT.

- WE LOVE YOU!

- SO WHEN I RETIRED,

THERE WAS A LOT

OF THINGS GOING ON,

AND I DIDN'T WANNA COME BACK

AND TELL Y'ALL

WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS, BECAUSE

I WANTED Y'ALL TO BE PROUD OF ME

FOR SOME SHIT,

EVEN IF I WAS FUCKING IT UP.

BUT THEN THEY STARTED

ARRESTING A NIGGA SO MUCH.

[laughter]

UNDERSTAND,

YOU CAN ONLY GET ARRESTED

MAYBE SIX TIMES BEFORE

IT AIN'T FUN NO MORE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

THAT IF YOU GO TO TMZ,

YOU WILL SEE THE FACT

THAT I'VE BEEN

ARRESTED 14 TIMES

IN 46 MONTHS.

WHAT I WANT YOU

TO UNDERSTAND IS

YOU HAVE NEVER, EVER

IN YOUR LIFE SEEN ME

STANDING IN A COURTHOUSE.

NOW, PUT THEM

TWO THINGS TOGETHER.

SATAN AIN'T SHIT.

EVERYTHING HE TRY TO DO

HE LOSES AT,

'CAUSE HE AIN'T SHIT.

HIS PEOPLE AIN'T SHIT,

NOTHING HE LIKES IS SHIT.

ALL HIS PEOPLE IS UGLY.

THEY ALL STINK.

THEY WAS WORSE OFF

BEFORE THE RECESSION,

DURING THE RECESSION,

AFTER THE RECESSION.

HE AIN'T SHIT.

AND SO UNDERSTAND...

THAT EVEN IF THEY

WAS GONNA KILL ME

FOR THE SHIT

I GOT TO SAY,

I DON'T KNOW

WHY I'M STILL HERE

IN THE FIRST

MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS I'VE BEEN

WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR 2012.

I'VE BEEN WAITING

MY WHOLE LIFE TO THINK

THAT THE END OF THE GODDAMN

WORLD WAS FITTIN' TO COME.

SO NOW, NIGGAS,

LET'S SAY IT DON'T COME.

CAN WE AGREE TO AT LEAST ACT

LIKE THIS GONNA BE OUR LAST TIME

ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER SO WE CAN

DO IT RIGHT ONE GODDAMN TIME?

WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS,

BITCH NIGGAS IS DONE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE

BEEN SEEING,

I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE

BEEN LOOKING AT.

I KNOW YOU THINK

TYLER PERRY MUST HAVE

46 MORE CROSS-DRESSING

DRAG QUEEN MOVIES LEFT IN HIM.

[laughter]

I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC.

I HAVE NOTHING

AGAINST GAY WOMEN AT ALL.

POWER TO THE LESBIAN NATION.

MAY WE ALL EAT PUSSY

THIS EVENING, IF IT'S FEASIBLE.

[laughter]

BUT IT'S TIME FOR PEOPLE

TO STAND UP

FOR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE.

EVERYBODY CAN'T BE ASHAMED

TO TELL THE GODDAMN TRUTH.

IT CAN'T BE EVERYBODY

THAT WON'T SAY

WHAT THEY FUCK

THEY MEANT TO SAY

AS SOON THEY GET

THE OPPORTUNITY.

CHRISTIAN PEOPLE,

IT'S THE SAME FOR Y'ALL.

IF Y'ALL SO HOLY, IT'S TIME

TO GET MOTHERFUCKING HOLY.

IF YOU

BELIEVE IN SOME SHIT,

MAKE SURE YOU GOT

SOME RIGHT SHIT,

BECAUSE I'M TRYING

TO TELL YOU,

EVERYBODY CAN'T BE RIGHT.

I SAY FUCK

BISHOP EDDIE LONG,

AND EVERYBODY WHOEVER

WENT TO HIS GODDAMN CHURCH,

IS WHAT I SAY.

FUCK THE CHOIR,

THE CHOIR DIRECTOR,

THE PEOPLE IN THE CHOIR,

THE NIGGA ON DRUMS,

FUCK THEM

IN THE PARKING LOT.

[laughter]

NOT BECAUSE I'M HOMOPHOBIC,

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK

YOU CAN PREACH THE GOSPEL

WITH BOOTY ON YOUR BREATH.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU CAN'T.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD,

THEY TOLD ME A BUNCH OF STORIES

THAT DIDN'T MAKE NO SENSE.

THEY PUT ME DOWN AND SAT ME

RIGHT ME IN FRONT OF THE BIBLE

AND TOLD ME A STORY

ABOUT SODOM AND GOMORRAH.

THEY TOLD ME IT WAS

TWO CITIES IN THE BIBLE

WHERE MEN LAY WITH MEN.

THEN THEY SAID

THE NEXT DAY,

GOD BURNT THE WHOLE GODDAMN

TWO CITIES TO THE GROUND.

END OF THE GODDAMN STORY.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU

GET OUT OF THAT STORY.

I TOLD MY BROTHER,

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

IF YOU ARE THREE, NIGGA.

"THEY JUST SAID THEY WAS GONNA

BURN DOWN OUR BUNK BEDS

IF YOU GET IN

THIS GODDAMN BED."

[laughter]

IT'S JUST WHAT THE FUCK

THEY TOLD ME.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW.

- ONE MINUTE!

- HEY, SOME OF YOU NIGGAS'

WATCH AIN'T RIGHT.

IS IT TWO, OR IS IT ONE?

LET ME KNOW.

IT'S TWO?

[overlapping shouts]

LET ME ASK THE WHITE PEOPLE.

WHAT--WHITE PEOPLE,

WHAT TIME IS IT, PLEASE?

[laughter]

[overlapping shouts]

IT'S TIME.

ALL RIGHT, PUT IT ON,

GODDAMN IT.

LET'S SEE IT.

HEY, WHERE MY PEOPLE AT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

NO MATTER WHAT,

WE ARE HERE AT THE CUSP

OF 2012, GODDAMN IT!

WHOO!

IT'S FITTIN' TO COME!

HEY!

WHERE MY PEOPLE AT?

OKAY, HOLD ON.

[cheers and applause]

audience: EIGHT...

SEVEN...SIX...

FIVE...FOUR...

THREE...TWO...ONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

- HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[cheers and applause]

- IT'S REALLY GOOD

TO SEE THE PEOPLE

WHO, UM...

A SHOT WAS NOT GIVEN TO.

TO BE ABLE TO STAND

ON A GRAND STAGE

AND SHOW HOW THEY DO

THEIR CRAFT.

- ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

MAKE SOME NOISE FOR YOUR

HOST FOR THE SHOW, RED GRANT.

LET'S GO, Y'ALL!

- SEE, SOME OF Y'ALL

AIN'T GONNA LAUGH TONIGHT

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T

GOT YOUR SPIRIT RIGHT.

SO, HAVE FUN TONIGHT,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW

IF YOU GONNA BE HERE

TOMORROW, NIGGA.

ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

THIS BROTHER RIGHT HERE

IS FROM DAYTON, OHIO,

WHERE KATT

WILLIAMS IS FROM.

HE'S FUNNY AS HELL.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN

MR. CLAYTON PERKINS, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO,

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- Y'ALL READY TO SEE KATT?

[crowd cheers]

WELL, YOU GOT ME NOW,

MOTHERFUCKERS.

YEAH, I WAS GEEKED

TO GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

I CALLED EVERYBODY I KNOW.

I EVEN CALLED MY GIRL.

I GOT TO BEAT BOXIN'

THAT SHIT.

"BABY, YOU AIN'T GONNA

BELIEVE THIS SHIT.

I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING JOB."

[beat boxing]

"A, A--A JOB."

[beat boxing]

THAT BITCH IS LIKE,

"GOOD, NIGGA, NOW YOU CAN

HELP ME WITH THAT RENT."

[beat boxing]

"RENT, RENT, RENT, RENT."

[cheers and applauses]

- [laughs] KEEP THAT ENERGY--

THAT SAME ENERGY GOING.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MY GIRL,

CHAUNTE WAYANS.

- THAT'S RIGHT. Y'ALL LOOKING

REAL CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, "WHO IS THIS

DUDE WITH TITTIES?"

THIS IS A REAL QUICK

ANNOUNCEMENT

TO UNATTRACTIVE GIRLS--

IF YOU ARE UGLY

IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD,

TEN TIMES OUT OF TEN,

YOU'RE GONNA BE UGLY

IN THE GAY WORLD.

ALL RIGHT? SO...

[chuckles]

DON'T TRY TO COME

TO THE GAY LIFE

LIKE NIGGAS

AIN'T TREATING YOU SHIT

'CAUSE WE WON'T

EITHER, OKAY?

- IF YOU AIN'T LAUGHING YET,

YOU JUST STUPID.

THIS FEMALE RIGHT HERE

IS FROM ALABAMA--

MOBILE, ALABAMA.

BY WAY OF MOBILE, ALABAMA.

I LOVE HER TO DEATH, MAN,

KATT LOVE HER TO DEATH.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MY GIRL

ASHIMA FRANKLIN, Y'ALL.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP

FOR ASHIMA FRANKLIN, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

- SHOUT OUT

TO ALL THE LADIES IN HERE

WHO SUCKING DICK RIGHT HERE,

ANY LADIES SUCKING DICK?

[cheers]

OH, SHIT.

AIN'T NOBODY ON THE FRONT ROW,

PLAYER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

HEY, YOU GOT A WHITE GIRL,

AND SHE AIN'T

SUCKING YOUR DICK, NIGGA?

WHAT THE FUCK?

NIGGA, KILL YOURSELF.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER?

YOU GOT A WHITE GIRL ON

THE FRONT ROW AT KATT WILLIAMS?

MAN, MARTIN LUTHER KING DIED

FOR NOTHING, NIGGA.

YOU GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS

ON UP OUT OF HERE.

- THIS MY MAN RIGHT HERE, MAN.

HE'S SIGNATURE, DOG.

HE A TWO-TIME

DEF COMEDY JAM ALL STAR,

AND HE IS HILARIOUS,

RIPPING THIS BITCH UP.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN,

MR. WIL SYLVINCE, Y'ALL.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP

FOR WIL SYLVINCE.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- THE WORST SEAT IN COACH

IS THAT MIDDLE SEAT, ISN'T IT?

[laughter]

LOOK AT THIS, YOU GOTTA SIT

LIKE A GAY PERSON IN COACH.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

I'M A THUG.

I DONE SHOT SIX MOTHERFUCKERS.

LOOK AT...

[laughter]

- THIS IS MY HOMEGIRL.

SHE'S FUNNY AS SHIT.

SHE'S LIKE

THE MOTHER OF THE TOUR.

WANT YOU ALL TO KEEP

THE ENERGY GOING.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMEGIRL

MS. PAT, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- ANYBODY MARRIED?

[cheers and applause]

I'M FOR REAL

ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.

I JUST GET IN THE BED,

AND I BE LIKE,

"BABY, YOU WANT

SOME PUSSY?"

[laughter]

'CAUSE IF YOU WANT IT,

I'LL WASH IT.

[laughter]

- MY HAIR WAS PROBABLY THE MOST

MAGNIFICENT IT'S EVER BEEN,

AND I REALLY LOOKED LIKE

THE MAYOR OF WHOVILLE.

MY WHITE FRIENDS

WILL APPRECIATE IT.

LONG LIVE THE GRINCH.

[laughter]