Katt Williams: American Hustle (2007) - full transcript

[ PHONE RINGS ]

THANK YOU FOR CALLING

KATT WILLIAMS.

IF THIS IS A WHITE PERSON

CALLING, APPRECIATE YOUR CALL,

AND I'LL GET BACK WITH YOU

AT MY EARLIEST CONVENIENCE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF THIS IS

ONE OF MY NIGGAS,

WHAT'S HAPPENING, PIMP?

[ BEEP ]



Hi, Katt.

This is Jeffrey Greenberg's

office calling to remind you

about your movie pitch meeting

today at 9:00 A.M.

it's now 4:00 P.M., and we're

just wondering when we're gonna

see you, so, um, give us a --

[ BEEP, DIAL TONE ]

[ OPERATIC SINGING ]

YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT, BABY.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I CAN DO GREAT,

BUT...



AND YOU CAN.

STILL NERVOUS.

-DON'T BE.

-[ EXHALES ] HOW DO I LOOK?

-AMAZING.

-HMM, HOW DO I FEEL?

-TALL.

-HOW DO I KISS?

GREAT.

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

[ EXHALES ]

WELL, I'LL TAKE MY VITAMINS NOW.

GOT TO STAY HEALTHY.

-HERE YOU GO, BABY.

-MMM, THANK YOU.

MMM.

ONE FOR THE MONEY...

TWO FOR THE SHOW...

THREE TO GET FUNNY...

GO, PIMP, GO.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.

GET YOUR MIND RIGHT, PLAYER.

GET YOUR MIND RIGHT.

HEY, BABY.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

THANK YOU.

LOOK WHO SHOWS UP WHEN YOU

NEED A HAT.

GETTING READY TO DO THE BIGGEST

STAND-UP MOVIE EVER.

-THIS MIGHT BE SCARY.

-IT'S ALL COMING TRUE.

I KNOW.

THE QUICKER I LEAVE, THE QUICKER

I CAN GET BACK.

-LET'S DO IT.

-YEAH? OKAY.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

ARE YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

-YES, SORRY.

-YES.

YEAH, THAT.

IT WAS THAT OR A SHIRT.

ONE OF THOSE TWO.

SPARTANS!

AH-OOH!

WENDY WILLIAMS, COME ON.

-HEY, KATT!

-HUH?

I WANT YOU TO MAKE THEM

FEEL GOOD.

-MAKE 'EM FEEL GOOD!

HA!

AND I KNOW SOMEBODY'S BEEN

PUTTING MY SEAT BACK.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC ]

♪ THE PIMP, THE PIMP,

THE PIMP, THE PIMP ♪

♪ THE PIMP ♪

♪♪

A HOUSE FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL

BLACK WOMEN.

THE ONLY ONE SHOWING HER TITTIES

IS THE WHITE GIRL.

PUT A PIN IN THAT.

WE'LL COME BACK TO IT.

YOU'RE BRINGING A LARGE

GERMAN SHEPHERD WITH YOU.

THAT'S AN INTERESTING CHOICE,

SEEING THAT IT'S A ROOM FILLED

WITH JEWS, OKAY?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR REFERENCE

FOR GERMAN SHEPHERDS IS?

THE NAZIS.

OKAY, PUT A PIN IN THAT.

WE'LL BE BACK TO IT.

NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL --

IF JIMI HENDRIX WAS MOUNTED

BY ALLEN IVERSON

IN RICHARD PRYOR'S REC ROOM,

THEY WOULD GIVE BIRTH TO YOU.

NOW, HERE'S MY QUESTION

TO YOU --

DO YOU HAVE YOUR INNER PIMP

WITH YOU NOW?

I-I--

YOU WAITED WAY TOO LONG.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

OF COURSE YOU DO.

THAT IS YOUR CENTER.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE GONNA WALK INTO A ROOM

FILLED WITH PEOPLE,

AND THEY'RE GONNA PITCH YOU

SNAKES ON A PLANE

MEETS FUCKING STAR SEARCH, OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO IT'S GONNA BE, LIKE, FUCKING,

A PYTHON FLYING OUT OF

ED McMAHON'S ASS.

NOBODY WINS, ALL RIGHT?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND

WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ COUGHS ] YES.

OKAY, NOW, YOU HAVE AN ENERGY,

A TRUTH, THAT REVERBERATES.

AS SOON AS THEY SEE THAT,

THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE FEAR,

ALL RIGHT?

AND FEAR WILL MANIFEST ITSELF

INTO SOME STUPID

MOTHERFUCKING IDEAS.

YOU TAKE NONE OF 'EM.

YOU WRITE YOUR OWN TICKET

IN THIS LIFE.

OKAY, LIKE, THE LAST PART.

THAT MEANT --

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC ]

THEY ARE JUST DOWN HERE IN

THE CORNER OFFICE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT

ANYTHING TO DRINK?

I'LL TAKE A QUADRUPLE

HENNESSY WITH A GIN BACK.

-KATT WILLIAMS.

-HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

-HEY.

-HI.

-IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

-UH-HUH.

HEY!

THERE HE IS.

THE MAN HIMSELF, IN THE FLESH.

MORE IMPRESSIVE-LOOKING IN --

IN PERSON.

I HOPE YOU'LL FORGIVE THIS.

I'M TRYING THIS ON.

AN ODE TO YOU.

-HONORARY NEGRO.

-GREAT TO SEE YOU.

HEY, AND WHO'S THIS?

[ DOG GROWLING ]

GANGSTER DOG'S KIND OF

SMILING AT ME.

"THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

MOTHERFUCKING ROTTWEILER."

YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE CAREFUL.

YOU KNOW, THESE ARE --

THESE ARE GERMAN-BRED ATTACK

DOGS, YOU KNOW,

AND SO WHAT THEY DO IS

SOMETIMES THEY PLAY POSSUM.

THEY LAY THERE LIKE,

"I'M A PET. I'M --"

AND THEN, YOU'RE RUBBING 'EM,

AND THEN -- WOW.

IT'S JUST LIKE THEY'RE RIGHT

THERE, LIKE, LITERALLY AT

YOUR THROAT, AND YOU'RE TRYING

TO CALL HELP,

BUT THERE'S A MOUTH,

YOU KNOW, LIKE, THE DOG'S

ENTIRE MOUTH IS RIGHT THERE,

SO IT'S VERY HARD FOR YOU

TO EVEN SAY ANYTHING,

AND ANYTHING WILL

SET 'EM OFF.

LIKE, PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE GONNA

HIT ME.

LIKE, PRETEND LIKE --

GENERALLY, HE WOULD BE RIGHT --

RIGHT...

[ DOG WHIMPERING ]

YEAH.

UM...

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A SEAT?

YES. YES, I WOULD.

-THANK YOU.

-OKAY.

I'LL LEAVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

N-NICE MEETING YOU.

-OH, OH.

-HE'S A BIG BOY.

-OH, OH.

-HE'S A BIG BOY.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-HE'S A LITTLE BIG BOY.

THIS LITTLE GUY'S IN HEAVEN.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BABBLING ]

KATT, WE WANT TO BE

IN THE FILM BUSINESS

WITH KATT WILLIAMS.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

[ EXHALES ] FRESH START.

-ALL RIGHT.

-OKAY.

I WANT TO START IT OFF WITH

THE BIGGEST STAND-UP MOVIE

THAT I CAN POSSIBLY DO.

I MEAN, I NEED THIS TO BE

A BANGER, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I NEED TO GO GET MY OLD CREW --

THE ONES I WAS DOING JOKES WITH

IN THE BEGINNING -- BRING US ALL

TOGETHER AS A TEAM

AND HIT THE ROAD, YOU KNOW,

AND KEEP IT REAL.

-NONE OF THAT...

-YEAH.

HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT, YOU KNOW?

-KEEPING IT REAL.

-EXACTLY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN,

KATT WILLIAMS!

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN' ♪

SHIT!

CUT IT OFF.

THAT'S MY SHIT.

-I LOVE IT.

-THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I LOVE IT.

THANK YOU.

HERE'S HOW WE SEE IT.

-LET ME THROW SOME NAMES AT YOU.

-PLEASE.

-EDDIE MURPHY.

-MARTIN LAWRENCE.

-TYLER PERRY.

ALL TOOK THEIR MOTHERFUCKING

CAREER TO THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKING

LEVEL WITH ONE DEVICE THAT MAKES

A GOOD MOVIE INTO A GREAT MOVIE.

A CAMERA.

-FAT SUIT.

NO, NO.

NO, SIR. NO, SIR.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

THIS IS MY BUST.

I WILL DO IT ALONE.

I DO NOT NEED BACKUP

OR ANYTHING.

I AM RIGHT ON IT.

RIGHT ON IT.

I'VE GOT MY WEAPON IN MY HAND.

I'M IN HOT PURSUIT.

I PROMISE YOU THAT.

EXCUSE ME.

[ TECHNO MUSIC ]

I'M GONNA GET YOU.

I'M GONNA GET YOU -- OH!

[ CAR ALARM WAILING ]

GOOD, RIGHT?

AND THE BEST PART IS, IT'S NOT

CALLED FAT COP.

IT'S CALLED FAT COPS, BECAUSE

YOU, JUST LIKE EDDIE MURPHY,

WILL PLAY EVERY PART.

[ CAR ALARM WAILING ]

I JUST HEARD A SHOT.

I WAS JUST WASHING MY HANDS.

OH, MOTHERFUCKER, ARE YOU SHOT?

ARE YOU SURE THAT'S ME?

YOU PLAY EVERY PART.

YOU DO EVERY VOICE.

[ALL]

MOTHERFUCKER.

OFFICER DOWN.

CALL 911.

OFFICER DOWN.

OH, JEEZ, HE CAN'T BREATHE.

HE CAN'T BREATHE.

OH, DON'T YOU DIE ON ME.

NOT BEFORE I TELL YOU, OH, GOD,

THAT I LOVE YOU.

YOU HAVE THE VOICE

OF AN ANGEL.

♪♪

IS -- IS THAT LOBSTER?

YEAH.

OH, I LOVE LOBSTER.

IS THERE ANY WE --

WE CAN SALVAGE?

OH, YEAH, I THINK SO.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT WE

CAN GET TO.

OH, OH, LOOK AT THAT,

LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT THAT.

-OH, YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK FOR IT.

-IT'S A -- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, SPEAKING OF LOOK FOR IT,

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

OH, OH.

ALWAYS PREPARED, YOU ARE.

OH, YEAH, HERE IT GOES.

THAT'S SOME GOOD STUFF.

YEAH.

MM, I THINK THERE'S A PIECE

OF GRAVEL IN THAT PIECE, TOO.

-OH, I'M SORRY.

-NO, THAT'S FINE.

OH, YEAH. EAT IT UP.

-MMM.

-MMM, MMM, MMM.

[ BOTH MOANING ]

BANG.

OR WE PUT YOU ON AN ICEBERG.

IT'S MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

MEETS BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

STAND HERE AND HOLD

THE MOTHERFUCKING EGG.

"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

THAT WAS TWO MOTHERFUCKING

MONTHS AGO.

THAT'S A LONG TIME TO WAIT

FOR COLD PUSSY.

MAN, I MISS PUSSY SO MUCH.

I'M ABOUT READY TO TURN GAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OR, YOU KNOW 300, RIGHT?

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT

I KNOW 300.

THAT'S MY SHIT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT SHIT

WASN'T SHIT.

THIS MOVIE IS 100 TIMES MO'

POWER-PACKED.

-100 TIMES?

-100 TIMES.

MEN OF SPARTA!

I SPEAK FOR MYSELF, AND I SPEAK

FOR OUR GREAT LEADER, CLAUDIUS.

TODAY, CLAUDIUS WILL DIE

IN HONOR...

AS HE LEADS SPARTA INTO

A BATTLE AGAINST AN ARMY

OF 100,000.

[ MEN SHOUTING ]

[ ARMY CHANTING "KILL! KILL!" ]

MOTHERFUCKER.

IT'S NOT CALLED 300.

IT'S CALLED 3.

[ ARMY CLAMORING ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ ARMY CLAMORING ]

HUH?

3?

AS IN WE'RE ALL DEAD

IN THREE MINUTES?

YES!

[ BABBLING ]

SPARTANS!

FORGIVE ME FOR MY EMOTION.

I JUST -- IT'S JUST THAT HEARING

YOUR WORDS MADE ME REALIZE WHAT

AN IMPORTANT BATTLE THIS IS.

A BATTLE LIKE THIS DESERVES

THE SPECIAL SWORD.

[ ANGELIC HARMONY ]

THE ONLY REGRETFUL NEWS IS THAT

I DO NOT HAVE

THE SPECIAL SWORD...

[ ANGELIC HARMONY ]

WITH ME NOW.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, LIEUTENANT?

Nigga, you know me.

It's your cousin, Jamal.

I'm gonna ask you again.

Just yell it out.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, LIEUTENANT

WHO IS NOT RELATED TO ME?

I AM JAMAL.

JAMAL.

FOLLOW JAMAL UNTIL I CAN GET

BACK WITH MY SPECIAL SWORD.

[ ANGELIC HARMONY ]

DON'T LOOK FOR ME

FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

SPARTANS!

AH-OOH!

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

-YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.

-AH-OOH.

HOLLA BACK, BITCH.

SO, MY MAN,

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

TWO WORDS...

PIMP OUT.

OH, YEAH, THANK YOU FOR

JACKING MY DOG OFF.

I APPRECIATE IT.

IF YOU'RE QUITE DONE,

SPERM DONOR.

THANK YOU.

GREAT JOB IN THERE.

GREAT JOB.

-SPARTANS!

-AH-OOH.

RED, IT'S KATT.

LOOK, I'M PUTTING THE SHOW

BACK TOGETHER.

WE GOT TO GET THE FUCK

OUT OF HOLLYWOOD.

CALL MELANIE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU HEAR ME?

♪ IT'S PIMPIN', PIMPIN',

IT'S PIMPIN', PIMPIN' ♪

[ LAUGHING ]

YO, I WAS STILL THROWING 'EM,

SLIM, I WAS STILL THROWING 'EM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M READY TO GO THOUGH.

READY TO GO.

YOU COME BACK HERE,

YOU CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER.

-WHERE YOU GOING?

-HEY!

-HELLO?

-WHAT?

IT'S OKAY YOU'RE SMALL.

WE SMALL TOO, WE ASIAN.

YEAH, WE USED TO IT.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH ROOM ANYWAY.

-IT'S OKAY.

-TWINS?

-TRIPLETS.

-TRIPLETS?

YOU COME BACK!

NOT IDENTICAL THOUGH.

[LAUGHS]

-LET'S GO!

-LOOK IDENTICAL TO ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

-HEY, COME BACK HERE!

-BRING ME BACK AN OXTAIL!

♪ TWO STEP ♪

♪ TWO STEP NOW ♪

♪ GIVE IT TO ME, DROP IT DOWN ♪

MELANIE!

BRING YOUR BLACK ASS ON.

WHY IS MELANIE BRINGING

A BEAR CARCASS?

[ LOUD FOOTFALLS ]

FEE-FI-FO-FUM.

♪ GIVE ME A LAP DANCE ♪

♪ SHE BISEXUAL,

PATTY AND PAM ♪

♪ SO PATTY WALKED OVER THERE

AND PATTY KISSED PAM ♪

♪ AND PAM KISSED PATTY BACK

AND THEM KISSED THEM ♪

♪ SO NOW I'M GOING HOME

WITH PATTY AND PAM ♪

GET YOUR ASS OUT THAT CAR

AND GRAB MY BAGS, RIGHT NOW!

-GET OUT!

-[ GRUMBLING ]

-I'MA CUT YOUR ASS.

-ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

-YOU'LL BE RED FOR REAL.

-GIVE ME THIS GODDAMN--

I'M ABOUT TO WHUP SOMEBODY.

UH-UH, HELL TO THE NO.

KATT, KATT, I'M GONNA NEED

HIS FIRST CHECK.

HE GONNA BUY ME SOME

MORE LUGGAGE.

-ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?

-GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR.

HEY, WHAT YOU DOING?

GET BACK THERE WITH YOUR BITCH.

-GET BACK THERE WITH YOUR BITCH.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-SHE LOOK LIKE YOU.

-NO, SHE LOOK LIKE YOU.

THAT'S WHO YOU'RE GONNA

BE SCREWING

THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TOUR, TOO.

I'D HIT THIS BEFORE I HIT YOU.

YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU WILL.

-HEY, KATT.

-HEY, MELANIE.

-YOU ALL RIGHT?

-WHAT'S UP?

HEY, RED.

I MISS YOU GUYS.

I THOUGHT LUENELL

WAS GONNA BE WITH YOU?

NO, NO.

LUENELL GOT A GIG.

AND I WENT TO THE SIDE

OF THE TUB,

AND I HIKED MY FOOT UP ON

THE SIDE OF THAT TUB.

I RAN ME SOME BATHWATER.

I TOOK THAT NAIR, AND I

SPRINKLED IT IN MY HAND,

AND I SLAPPED IT ON THE PUSSY.

SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP,

SLAP, SLAP.

SLAP, SLAP, SLAP.

I DON'T KNOW HOW FAR BACK

YOUR PUSSY GOES.

MY PUSSY GOES WAY BACK HERE.

SO I WAS JUST SLAP, SLAP, SLAP,

SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP.

I WAITED FOR FIVE MINUTES

LIKE THE BOX SAY, RIGHT?

I'M WAITING...

[ HUMMING ]

[ SNIFFS ] WHEW!

BING!

FIVE MINUTES.

OKAY, I GOT IN THE TUB, AND I

RINSED THAT MOTHERFUCKER OFF.

I RINSED THAT MOTHERFUCKER OFF.

[ MIMICS FANFARE ]

CLEAN AS A BABY'S ASS, Y'ALL.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

OH, WE FUCKED AND SUCKED

AND SKEETED AND SQUIRTED

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S FACE LOOKED

LIKE A WARM, GLAZED

KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUT.

I TELL YOU, IT WAS FABULOUS.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING

FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS.

THE HAIR STARTED TO GROW BACK.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF

YOU LADIES HAVE EVER POURED

KEROSENE ON YOUR PUSSY AND SET

IT ON FIRE BEFORE, BUT THERE WAS

A BURNING AND AN ITCHING

SENSATION, Y'ALL,

THAT I WOULDN'T WISH

ON MY WORST ENEMY.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T SCRATCH

MY PUSSY HARD ENOUGH.

I HAD CREDIT CARD, HAIR BRUSHES.

I WAS JUST, "OOH!

OOH!

SHOOT!

OH, MY -- OOH!

OOH!"

OH! OH, MY GOD, I WILL NEVER DO

THAT SHIT AGAIN FOR NO

MOTHERFUCKER,

NOT AS LONG AS I LIVE.

I DON'T CARE IF MY PUSSY

LOOK LIKE YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]

OH, WOW.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK,

HONEY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

GOD BLESS YOU.

[ HEART MONITORS BEEPING ]

HI, BABY.

MY DIAPER IS FULL.

I KNOW, HONEY.

I CAN SMELL IT.

I MEAN, MY DIAPER IS FULL IN

THE BACK AND IN THE FRONT.

OOH.

IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO QUIT YOU.

♪ I KNOW WE'RE TRYING

TO KEEP OUR BUSINESS ♪

♪ OFF THE STREET ♪

♪ IT'S GETTING HARD

TO PLAY THE GAME ♪

-WHAT'S UP, YO?

-YOU LOOK GOOD, GIRL.

LOOK GOLDEN, LOOK GOLDEN.

HOW ARE YOU?

-LOOK AT YOU.

-I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

BABY.

OKAY, SO HERE'S THE PLAN --

20 CITIES.

-20 CITIES.

-RIGHT.

-20 CITIES.

-40 SHOWS.

-THANK GOD.

-40 SHOWS?

-40 SHOWS.

-HALLELUJAH.

20 DAYS, AND THE BEST NEWS OF

ALL, UNLIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS,

WE GET PAID.

-WHOO!

-NO WAY. CASH MONEY?

-CASH DOLLARS?

-DOLLAR, DOLLAR.

-U.S. AMERICAN DOLLARS?

-WHOO!

LET'S ROLL.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE DICK ON

THIS DOG, GIRL.

OH, MY GOD, GIRL.

LEAVE THAT DOG ALONE.

-I'M JUST SAYING.

-I KNEW IT.

ALL DOGS GOT BIG DICKS.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

NUMBER ONE IN THE STREETS.

POWER 92, TODAY'S HOTTEST MUSIC.

KATT WILLIAMS AND FRIENDS,

THEY ARE ON THEY WAY

TO THE CITY OF

CHI RIGHT NOW, AS WE SPEAK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND HE SAY, YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE

RUNNING A LITTLE BEHIND

DUE TO THE FACT

THEY DRIVING HERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW -- YOU KNOW, I

THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, THAT MAYBE

HE'D HAVE A PIMPED-OUT PLANE

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

BUT HE'S ACTUALLY PUSHING

THE CADILLAC HERE,

DOING THE REAL PIMPIN',

REAL CHURCH STYLE.

I LOVE THIS BEAUTIFUL CAR.

IT'S NICE.

-THANK YOU, MELANIE.

-WHY THE FUCK WE AIN'T FLYING?

COMEDIAN KATT WILLIAMS WAS

ARRESTED TODAY

AT THE LOS ANGELES

INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

WHEN SECURITY OFFICIALS

FOUND A HANDGUN

IN HIS CARRY-ON LUGGAGE.

A BAD SITUATION TURNED WORSE FOR

THE STAR WHEN THE HANDGUN WAS

DISCOVERED TO BE STOLEN

AND THREE ADDITIONAL

WEAPONS WERE

FOUND INSIDE HIS CHECKED

LUGGAGE.

BECAUSE IT AIN'T ABOUT

FLYING, MELANIE.

IT'S ABOUT US GETTING BACK

TO OUR COMEDIC ROOTS

AND BEING ALL JAMMED TOGETHER

IN THE SAME CAR,

AND GOING ACROSS THE COUNTRY

DELIVERING THESE LAUGHS

TO PEOPLE.

WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO FLY

IN A G-5 ALL THE TIME ANYWAY?

YOU KNOW -- WHAT?

EVEN THE DOG RAISED HIS HAND.

HELLO.

HE JUST RAISED HIS HAND

'CAUSE HE WANT HIS DICK RUBBED.

-WELL, OKAY.

-THAT'S MY DICK.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH...SORRY, RED.

SORRY, RED.

HE'S SO HAIRY, SHE THOUGHT IT

WAS THE DOG'S.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LAS VEGAS, GIVE IT UP FOR

THE WILD BELLE OF COMEDY,

LUENELL!

ALL THAT GLITTERS

IS NOT GOLD.

IF THE BITCH LOOK TOO GOOD TO BE

TRUE, SHE PROBABLY IS.

OKAY?

IF YOU MEET A GIRL WHOSE

EARRINGS MATCH HER NECKLACE,

MATCH HER BRACELET, MATCH HER

RING, MATCH HER NIPPLE PIERCING,

MATCH HER BELLY BUTTON PIERCING,

MATCH HER BELLY CHAIN AND HER

ANKLE BRACELET AND HER TOE RING,

AND HER TOENAILS MATCH

HER FINGERNAILS, AND HER

FINGERNAILS AIN'T ACRYLIC

AND THE BITCH GREW 'EM

ALL HERSELF,

AND SHE GOT PRETTY LEGS,

AND THE BITCH AIN'T NEVER

SKINNED HER KNEE

OR GOT A MOSQUITO BITE,

AIN'T GOT NO CELLULITE OR NO

VARICOSE VEIN,

AND HER ASS IS TIGHT,

AND HER TITTIES IS PERKY,

AND THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME SIZE,

AND THEY LOOK UP AT YOU,

AND SHE GOT A NICE NECK

WITH NO FAT AROUND IT,

AND SHE DON'T SWEAT TOO MUCH,

AND HER BREATH SMELLS GOOD,

AND HER TEETH IS ALL

WHITE AND STRAIGHT,

AND HER LIPSTICK IS ON GOOD,

AND HER EYE MAKEUP IS ON GOOD,

AND THE BITCH AIN'T GOT NO WAX

IN HER EARS,

AND YOU FEEL HER HAIR AND IT'S

LONG DOWN HER BACK, AND SHE

AIN'T GOT NO TRACKS IN HER HAIR

OR NOTHING LIKE THAT, YOU BETTER

LIFT THAT BITCH'S SKIRT UP,

'CAUSE HER DICK IS PROBABLY

BIGGER THAN YOURS.

[ CHEERING ]

♪♪

YOU GONNA WAKE HER UP?

HELL NO.

SHE'S TIRED.

[ COUGHS ] OH.

OOH. OOH.

-HEY, LUENELL.

-YEAH, HEY.

HOW LONG I BEEN LAYING DOWN

THERE LIKE THAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, RED?

-A COUPLE HOURS.

-OH, MY GOD.

-THAT'S ALL.

I APPRECIATE IT TOO, 'CAUSE I

WAS JUST GETTING READY

TO STOP AND GET

SOME COFFEE, MAN.

YEAH?

UM, I SLEEP WITH MY MOUTH OPEN.

I KNOW THAT.

I'M JUST GLAD THAT YOU CAN

BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HOUSTON, TEXAS, GIVE IT UP

FOR THE CRAZY MAN

WITH THE CRAZY GLARE, RED GRANT!

YOUR DING-A-LING BE UP LIKE,

"NIGGA, WE ABOUT TO GET HEAD."

YOU EVER GOT HEAD SO GOOD IT

MAKE YOUR BUTT CHEEKS

SQUINCH UP?

YOU START POINTING YOUR TOES

AND SHIT.

FELLAS, YOU EVER MAKE A GAY

SOUND AND SHIT,

AND YOU'VE HAD

TO CATCH YOURSELF?

YOU BE LIKE, "MMM-MMM-MMM.

OH, OH.

NIGGA, GET TOUGH.

NIGGA, GET TOUGH."

[ LAUGHS ]

I GOT HEAD THE OTHER DAY

SO GOOD,

WHEN I CLINCHED MY BUTT CHEEKS

UP AND I GOT UP TO GO

TO THE BATHROOM, I PULL ALL

THE COVER OFF THE BED.

[ CHEERING ]

KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI, GIVE

IT UP FOR THE ORIGINAL

QUEEN OF COMEDY,

MELANIE COMARCHO.

SISTERS, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW

HOW BAD IT WAS.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW BAD IT

WAS FOR THE SINGLE LADY

TILL I SAW SEASON 2 OF

THE FLAVOR OF LOVE.

I'M LIKE, "LORD, HAVE MERCY."

IS THAT WHERE WE AT?

30 WOMEN CHASING AFTER

THIS NIGGA HERE?

HE LOOK LIKE A SEA MONKEY

WITH A CLOCK.

COME ON.

UGH.

UGH, NOT FOR ALL THE MONEY.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

UGH. AND THEY KISSING HIM

AND EVERYTHING.

THEY MAKING ME [WRETCHES].

I'D RATHER HAVE THEM PIG BALLS

AND MAGGOTS OFF OF FEAR FACTOR

THAN TO KISS FLAVOR FLAV'S ASS.

"THAT'S OKAY.

YOU DO FLAVOR.

I'M GONNA DO PIG NUTS.

FORGET YOUR ASS."

THAT NIGGA'S SO UGLY, YOU COULD

SEE HIM WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "NOPE, I STILL

SEE YOUR ASS. NOPE.

UGH! I SEE THE TEETH, THE CLOCK,

ALL THE SHIT.

I SEE IT, I SEE IT."

♪ LET'S GO!

LET'S GO! ♪

[ LAUGHING ]

[ COUGHS ] SEE,

ALL I'M SAYING -- THIS IS --

I CAN'T BELIEVE Y'ALL ARE

SMOKING CALIFORNIA'S FINEST KUSH

IN THE CAR WITH ME,

AND I'M TRYING TO DRIVE.

THAT'S JUST -- I GOT Y'ALL'S

LIFE IN MY HANDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I'VE GOT LIVES

IN MY HANDS, OKAY?

I TAKE THIS VERY SERIOUSLY,

ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT SOME SORT OF CAB DRIVER.

I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP,

AND ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT IF

YOU HAD ANY IDEA --

[ COUGHS ]

HOW HIGH THE CAPTAIN

IS RIGHT NOW,

YOU'D PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING

SEATBELTS ON.

-OH, GOD DAMN IT.

-STRAP UP, STRAP UP!

I DON'T NEED A FUCKING

NAVIGATION SYSTEM.

I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.

LEAD ME.

KATT, WE NEED YOU

TO HURRY UP, MAN.

YOU CAN'T LET THE PEOPLE DOWN.

CHI TOWN IS OUT HERE BY

THE MASSES, WAITING FOR YOU.

THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR

RIGHT HERE.

CHI TOWN, AND YOU'VE GOT MY MAN,

KATT WILLIAMS.

IT DON'T GET NO BETTER

THAN THAT.

THIS IS POWER 92.

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE BEST

BARBERS, THE WILDEST BARBERS,

AND KATT WILLIAMS.

[ ALL CHEERING ]

-SO WE GONNA ENJOY THE SHOW.

-I LIKE THAT PERM, BABY.

IS OUR HAIR LUXURIOUS, TOO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ GONNA PEE, GONNA PEE ♪

♪ GONNA PEE, PEE ♪

♪ PEE, PEE, PEE, AND PEE ♪

♪ GONNA PEE ♪

NICE DICK!

[ BELL RINGS ]

YEAH, WELL, COME BACK HERE

AND LET ME FUCK YOU WITH IT,

YOU BITCH.

GET HIM!

MY OTHER SHOW IS THAT

MAURY POVICH SHOW,

THAT "YOU ARE THE FATHER."

NIGGA, THAT'S MY SHIT.

I DON'T GO NOWHERE WHEN

"YOU ARE THE FATHER" IS ON.

'CAUSE HE -- MAURY A FREAK.

HE BE FREAKING THE GIRLS

AND SHIT ON THE SLY

WHEN THEY CRYING AND SHIT.

MAURY BE LIKE,

"SO HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

[ CRYING ] "I'M GOOD, MAURY."

"YEAH, YOU ARE. YOU ARE."

"I DON'T BELIEVE ANTOINE IS

SAYING THAT IS NOT HIS BABY.

LOOK AT THAT BABY, MAURY.

LOOK AT THIS BABY, MAURY.

LOOK, JUST LIKE ANTOINE."

THE BABY DON'T LOOK LIKE NOBODY.

HE'S THREE MONTHS OLD.

HIS NECK LOOSE

AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

ANTOINE BE BACKSTAGE,

CLOWNING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

HE BE, "YOU AND THAT MONKEY.

FUCK YOU AND THAT MONKEY,

MONKEY."

THEN THEY FINALLY BRING

ANTOINE OUT.

Y'ALL BE THE CROWD WHEN THEY

BRING ANTOINE OUT.

"COME ON OUT, ANTOINE."

[ CROWD BOOING ]

"NIGGAS, FUCK Y'ALL.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME."

HE ALWAYS SLIDE HIS CHAIR WAY

OVER HERE AND SHIT.

"WHAT'S UP, MAURY?

NAH, SHE GONNA TRY AND SAY THAT

MOTHERFUCKING BABY

MY BABY AND SHIT.

NAH, MAN, LOOK AT THIS

MOTHERFUCKING BABY, MAURY.

LOOK HOW LOOSE HIS MOTHERFUCKING

NECK IS AND SHIT.

NIGGA, WE DON'T HAVE NO LOOSE

NECKS IN OUR FAMILY.

EVERYBODY IN OUR FAMILY GOT

STRONG NECKS AND SHIT.

WE ALL PLAY FOOTBALL."

MAURY BE LIKE, "OKAY, WELL,

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT

WHO'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

I HAVE THE RESULTS RIGHT HERE."

THE CROWD GO CRAZY LIKE SHIT.

[ CHEERING ]

"SO, ANTOINE, YOU SAY YOU ARE

NOT THE FATHER OF LITTLE

LOOSE NECK."

"NAH, MAN.

SHE FUCK EVERYBODY IN THE HOOD.

THEN SHE GONNA TRY AND FUCKING

BLAME ME FOR THE BABY AND SHIT."

"AND IF YOU ARE THE FATHER,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

"WELL, IF I'M THE FATHER,

I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF MINE

AND SHIT.

I TAKE CARE OF ALL 25

OF MY KIDS."

"AND, MARIA, YOU SAY THAT HE IS

THE FATHER.

HOW SURE ARE YOU?"

"I'M 1,000% SURE THAT HE IS

THE FATHER OF MY BABY!"

"WELL, HERE WE GO.

IN THE CASE OF THREE-MONTH-OLD

ANTOINE 'LOOSE NECK' RICHARDSON,

ANTOINE, YOU ARE...

NOT THE FATHER."

ANTOINE GOES CRAZY --

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYIN'

TO TELL Y'ALL!

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I'M TRYIN'

TO TELL Y'ALL!"

HE START DANCING AROUND LIKE,

"YOU AND THAT MONKEY, MONKEY,

MONKEY, MONKEY."

AND WHAT THE GIRL -- SHE DO

THE SAME SHIT EVERY EPISODE,

RUN BACKSTAGE AND SHIT.

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!"

[ GROANING ]

MAURY DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

HE JUST JUMP OVER THERE GOING,

"IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT."

[ CHEERING ]

YOU CAN'T GET A HARD-ON.

Y'ALL TRY TO PUT THAT OFF ON US.

"WELL, IF YOU'D SHUT UP."

"SHIT, ALL I SAID WAS,

'WHAT'S THE MATTER?'

SHIT, YOU SHUT UP.

SHIT, YOU THE ONE NEED TO

BE CONCENTRATING OR SOMETHING.

I COULD TALK ALL NIGHT LONG

AND MINE'LL WORK JUST FINE."

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW,

ALL THE LADIES IN THE

HOUSE SAY, "HELLO."

-HELLO!

-SHIT, PLEASE.

I COULD GO TO SLEEP AND MY

SHIT'D BE WORKING, OKAY?

SILLY-ASS MEN.

THEY ABOUT TO KILL THEYSELF

WITH THIS CIALIS AND VIAGRA

AND LEVITRA, AND ANYTHING ELSE

THEY CAN FIND TO GET

THEIR SHIT HARD.

THEY TRIPPIN'.

THERE'S NATURAL WAYS TO GET

A HARD-ON, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S STUFF YOU CAN EAT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

LOOK HOW QUIET IT GOT.

"STUFF YOU COULD EAT?"

PUSSY.

"OH, MY GOD, LUENELL.

WHAT IS IT THAT THE BITCHES

CAN'T STAND?"

IT'S THIS SHIT HERE.

THIS SHIT.

THE HELL IS THAT SHIT THERE?

WHAT, ARE YOU

A GYNECOLOGIST NOW?

HUH, YOU CHECKING FOR

AN OVARIAN CYST?

WE CAN'T STAND THAT SHIT.

NOW, THIS SHIT COOLER

THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

WE LOVE THIS.

OOH, SHIT.

WHOO! YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC ]

I'M SO LUCKY THAT YOU'RE HERE

AND ON THE TOUR WITH ME,

'CAUSE I JUST DO NOT KNOW IF I

WOULD BE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE,

YOU KNOW, THIS TYPE OF

RESPONSIBILITY ON

THE ROAD WITHOUT YOU, YOU KNOW?

BUT WITH ME AND YOU BEING THERE,

IT'S KIND OF LIKE BONNIE

AND CLYDE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S LIKE BATMAN AND ROBIN.

IT'S LIKE BANG-BANG, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WE THE DUO.

YOU GOT TO KEEP ALL MY SECRETS,

YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SMOKE

WITH ME AND DON'T GET HIGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST KEEP ON DOING YOUR JOB,

ALL RIGHT, HMM?

ME AND YOU.

A BOY AND HIS DOG.

BEAST AND A BEAST.

AND WE PRETTY, TOO.

AIN'T WE PRETTY?

AIN'T WE PRETTY?

YOU AIN'T GOT NO SPLIT ENDS.

YOU AIN'T GOT

NO SPLIT ENDS.

YOUR HAIR IS GLOSSY

AND LUXURIOUS, HUH?

MM-MM!

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

GOOD BOY. GOOD BOY.

THEM YOUNG GIRLS, THOUGH, SOME

OF THEM NEED PENALTIES, FELLAS.

THAT'S WHY I TELL FELLAS, "IF

YOU MESSING WITH THEM GIRLS

BETWEEN 19 AND 24, GET YOUR ASS

A FLAG AND A GODDAMN WHISTLE,

AND WHEN THEY DO THAT WILD SHIT,

BLOW YOUR WHISTLE

AND THROW YOUR FLAG."

YOU KNOW HOW THEY BE RIDING

YOUR DING-A-LING ALL HARD?

THIS ALL-OUT, DON'T GIVE A FUCK

ABOUT YOUR BALL AREA OR NOTHING?

JUST LIKE...

[GRUNTING]

SPINNING AROUND,

LOOKING AT YOU AND SHIT.

[ GRUNTING ]

"RED, THAT FEEL GOOD, RED?"

YOU THE ONE SCREAMIN'.

"AH, AH, AH!"

NIGGA, BLOW YOUR WHISTLE

AND THROW YOUR FLAG.

[ MIMICS WHISTLE ]

PERSONAL FOUL.

UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS

ON THE RIDE.

THAT'S A 15-YARD PENALTY.

FIRST DOWN.

YES, WE WANT KATT.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING, OKAY?

-KATT, WHERE ARE YOU?

-THIS RIGHT HERE, NIGGA.

THIS RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S KATT WILLIAMS.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

THAT DUDE RIGHT THERE.

THAT DUDE RIGHT THERE

IS A FUNNY INDIVIDUAL.

LOOK GORGEOUS, LOVE THE HAIR.

CHI TOWN IS OUT HERE BY

THE MASSES, WAITING FOR YOU.

PIMP DOWN! PIMP DOWN!

KATT WILLIAMS, I LOVE YOU!

GET READY FOR THAT STINKY.

WE GOT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW THAT'S WHY I'M --

-♪ GIVE IT TO ME, BABY ♪

-♪ DEE-DA-LEE, DA-DEE-DA-LEE ♪

-♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪

-♪ DOO DOO ♪

♪ JUST GIVE IT TO ME BABY ♪

-♪ GIVE IT TO ME BABY ♪

-♪ DEE-DA-LEE, DA-DEE-DA-LEE ♪

♪ BABY ♪

YOU HIT THIS TWICE,

WE GO TOGETHER.

LET'S KEEP IT REAL UP IN HERE.

IN OTHER WORDS, QUIT WAKING

YOUR WOMAN UP IN THE MORNING

LIKE THIS, "HEY, BABY,

IS YOU ASLEEP?"

"AH! AH!"

I KNOW I'M AN UGLY

MOTHERFUCKER,

BUT I'VE GOT CUTE FEATURES.

I HATE HOES.

THIS HO CAME BACKSTAGE THE OTHER

DAY, PULLED HER TITTY OUT,

AND ASKED KATT FOR AN AUTOGRAPH.

HE UP THERE, "WHERE YOU WANT ME

TO SIGN?"

I'M LIKE, "SIGN ON

ONE OF THEM LINES."

AND IF YOU AIN'T NEVER BACKED

YOUR BITCH UP ACROSS THE BED,

YOU AIN'T NEVER TRULY

ATE NO PUSSY.

IF YOU AIN'T NEVER HAD YOUR

BITCH GO, "NIGGA, WAIT, WAIT.

NIGGA, NO -- OOH.

NIGGA, WAIT.

NO, NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH."

HEY, Y'ALL.

I'M MELANIE COMARCHO.

THANK YOU.

MY NAME IS LUENELL.

GOD BLESS.

♪ WE'RE AS HIGH AS THE SKY ♪

♪♪

HOLD ON, WE'RE HERE!

THIS IS IT.

20 CITIES, 40 SHOWS, 20 DAYS,

AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.

-YOU READY?

-I'M READY.

Y'ALL ARE READY.

ARE THEY READY?

YOU SEE THIS BROTHER NIGHTLY

ON A SHOW CALLED WILD 'N OUT.

[ MIMICS APPLAUSE ]

YOU'VE ALSO SEEN HIM IN A MOVIE

WITH EDDIE MURPHY CALLED NORBIT.

YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN THE MOVIE

CALLED FRIDAY AFTER NEXT

AS MONEY MOTHERFUCKING MIKE,

AND YOU SEEN HIM IN HIS OWN HBO

SPECIAL, THE PIMP CHRONICLES 1.

HERE IN CHICAGO TO DO

THE PIMP CHRONICLES 2,

THE KING OF UNDERGROUND COMEDY.

GIVE IT UP FOR

MR. KATT WILLIAMS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN', HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

YES, SIR!

♪ EVERY DAY I'M --

EVERY DAY I'M -- ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

OKAY, SHIT.

OKAY, CUT IT OFF.

WHAT'S GOING ON, CHICAGO?

WHAT'S GOING DOWN IN THIS BITCH?

MR. DJ, THAT'S MY SONG, TOO,

NIGGA, THAT'S -- PLAY THE SONG

AGAIN FOR NO REASON.

LET ME SEE IT.

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

SHIT!

CUT IT OFF.

THAT'S MY SHIT!

THAT'S -- ANY NIGGA THAT HUSTLE,

THAT'S OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM

RIGHT THERE.

EVEN IF YOUR JOB DON'T EVEN

REQUIRE NO HUSTLIN'.

EVEN IF YOU A LIBRARIAN.

JUST PLAY THAT SHIT AT THE

LIBRARY, SEE HOW THAT SHIT FEEL.

YOU JUST IN THE LIBRARY.

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

SHIT!

TURN IT OFF, SIR.

DON'T PLAY IT AGAIN.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT'S THE SHIT.

I'M SAYING IF YOU WENT TO HEAVEN

AND THEY WAS PLAYING THAT SONG,

YOU KNOW IT'S FIXIN' TO BE

A PARTY IN HEAVEN.

YOU JUST WALK IN HEAVEN.

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

STOP IT, SIR.

DON'T PLAY IT AGAIN, I SAID.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT'S MY SHIT.

I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU WENT TO

THE GROCERY STORE AND THEY WAS

PLAYING THAT SONG, YOU'D BUY

EVERYTHING IN THAT BITCH.

YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T GOT BUT $78.

YOU'RE JUST IN THAT

MOTHERFUCKER.

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

STOP.

SIR, I SAID DON'T FUCKING PLAY

IT AGAIN.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT'S MY SHIT.

JUST SAYING, FELLAS, IF YOUR

RELATIONSHIP AIN'T WORKING

RIGHT, STOP FUCKING YOUR WOMAN

TO SLOW SONGS.

FUCK HER TO SOME GANGSTER SHIT.

JUST AS SOON AS SHE WALK IN,

JUST...

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN' ♪

SHE GONNA BE LIKE THIS.

"NIGGA, I GOT TO GO TO WORK IN

THE MORNING."

SIR, I ASKED YOU NOT TO PLAY

THE SONG AGAIN, DIDN'T I?

JUST SAYING THAT'S MY SHIT.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU WORKED

AT MCDONALD'S, YOU WAS WORKING

THE DRIVE-THROUGH, AND SOMEBODY

CAME THROUGH AND ORDERED

A NUMBER SEVEN,

AND YOU WAS THE ONLY ONE

WORKING IN THAT BITCH,

EVEN THEN, JUST PUT THAT

ON THE P.A. SYSTEM, YOU JUST...

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M --

EVERY DAY I'M ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M --

EVERY DAY I'M ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK

YOU'RE FUCKING WITH? ♪

♪ I'M THE FUCKING BOSS ♪

♪ 745 WHITE ON WHITE ♪

WHAT'S GOING ON, CHICAGO?

SHIT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOO!

MAN, I AM SO GLAD TO BE HERE,

AND IT DIDN'T SNOW ON

A MOTHERFUCKER.

THANK GOD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Y'ALL'S WEATHER DON'T BE

BULLSHIT.

WHEN CHICAGO SAY COLD, NIGGA,

THEY MEAN COLD FOR REAL.

YOU DON'T BE BELIEVING IT.

YOU'RE TRAVELING ACROSS

THE COUNTRY, "NIGGA,

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT

THE COLD, NIGGA.

IT'S JUST COLD.

I GOT A COAT."

NO, NIGGA. YOU NEED TO BUY

YOUR COAT FROM HERE FOR HERE.

YOUR MOTHERFUCKING WIND

DISRESPECTED THE SHIT

OUT OF MY JACKET.

JUST WAIT A MINUTE.

FUCK, THE COLD'S GONNA BE ON A

NIGGA'S BONES LIKE,

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, NIGGA.

SHUT UP.

I'LL FREEZE YOU TO DEATH."

IF YOU IS A PIMP IN CHICAGO,

NIGGA, YOU THE SHIT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PIMPIN'

BITCHES AND IT'S 18-BELOW-ZERO

IN THIS BITCH.

"BITCH, WHERE IS MY MO--

WAIT TILL APRIL, BITCH.

I'M GONNA THAW OUT AND WHUP

THE DOG SHIT OUT YOUR ASS!

GIVE ME A HOT CHOCOLATE, BITCH!"

I LOVE CHICAGO.

I'M HAPPY.

I'M A HAPPY MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M JUST SAYING, WE'VE GOT TO BE

CAREFUL, 'CAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD

IS GOING CRAZY ON US.

USED TO BE YOU COULD GET KILLED

BY ONLY A FEW THINGS,

LIKE A GUN, A KNIFE,

SOMEBODY HITTING YOU IN THE HEAD

WITH A ROCK,

A PIANO FALLING FROM THE SKY.

NOW, YOU CAN GET KILLED BY

ANYTHING.

I WAS READING IN THE PAPER,

MOTHERFUCKERS ARE BEING KILLED

BY SPINACH.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO TO HEAVEN

IF YOU GET KILLED BY SPINACH.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO, YOU DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO TELL JESUS.

YOU JUST --

"YOU KNOW WHAT, JESUS?

I DID HAVE A SALAD.

I REALLY DID.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT

I WAS THINKING ABOUT."

FUCK, YOU GONNA DIE BY A SALAD.

THEN, THEY'VE GOT SALMONELLA.

I THOUGHT YOU GOT THIS FROM

RAGGEDY BITCHES.

NO, COME TO FIND OUT YOU GET

THIS SHIT FROM CHICKEN THAT

AIN'T COOKED PROPERLY,

SO AS SOON AS I HEARD THAT, I

WAS LIKE, "OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE

THAT WHITE PEOPLE COULD CATCH

SUCH A DISEASE AS THAT."

AND EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "NO,

NIGGAS CAN GET IT TOO."

WHAT?

YOU GONNA KILL A NIGGA, CHICKEN?

THE WAY WE DONE SUPPORTED YOUR

WHOLE GODDAMN CAREER, CHICKEN?

YOU'RE GONNA KILL A NIGGA?

IT SAY IN THE BIBLE, "THOU SHALL

NOT KILL NIGGAS WITH CHICKEN."

IT SAYS THAT.

KILL A NIGGA WITH A TWO-PIECE.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH.

THEY GOT MAD COW DISEASE, WHICH

FUCKED ME UP COMPLETELY 'CAUSE I

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW COWS EVEN HAD

FEELINGS LIKE THAT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THE COW

FEEL LIKE, BITCH.

I JUST WANT A NUMBER SEVEN.

WHOLE WORLD IS FUCKING CRAZY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TRUST.

YOU COULD FUCK AROUND AND STAY

AWAY FROM GANGBANGERS

AND DRUG DEALERS AND STILL

GET KILLED BY A SQUIRREL.

YOU GOT TO TRY TO ACT LIKE IT

WASN'T THE SQUIRREL.

"OH, SHIT, NIGGA.

DON'T TELL MY MAMA IT WAS

A SQUIRREL, NIGGA.

DON'T TELL MY MAMA

IT WAS A SQUIRREL.

TELL HER A NIGGA SHOT ME WITH

TWO SMALL BULLETS IN THE NECK.

TELL HER IT WASN'T A .22.

IT WAS AN .11.

BITCH SHOT ME WITH AN .11."

OH, WE'RE LOSING A LOT

OF GANGSTER NIGGAS.

WE LOST JAMES BROWN.

GOD DAMN IT, GIVE IT UP FOR

THE GODFATHER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS THE SHIT.

WE DON'T KNOW NONE OF HIS LYRICS

AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER

WAS THE SHIT.

WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT

THE FUCK JAMES WAS SAYING.

[ SHOUTING GIBBERISH ]

"YES, JAMES, YES."

LOSING A LOT OF GANGSTER NIGGAS.

WE LOST ONE OF THE BIGGEST

GANGSTERS IN THE WHOLE WORLD

JUST RECENTLY.

THE GODDAMN CROCODILE HUNTER

IS GONE, CHILDREN.

HE'S GONE.

THAT MOTHER-- FUCK, Y'ALL.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS THE SHIT.

CROCODILE HUNTER WAS THE SHIT.

HE WASN'T SCARED OF SHIT.

IF YOU THINK HE AIN'T GANGSTER,

GO TO YOUR NEIGHBORS' HOUSE

AND JUMP ON THEIR ROTTWEILERS

AND SEE HOW THAT

WORK OUT FOR YOU.

THAT WHITE BOY WAS THE SHIT

'CAUSE HE WASN'T MEAN, OR NASTY,

OR NOTHING.

HE WAS FRIENDLY

AND INFORMATIONAL.

MOTHERFUCKER BE HUNTING

CROCODILES.

"OH, THAT'S A BEAUTY RIGHT

THERE, MATE.

OH, I'VE GOT HER

IN MY SIGHTS NOW.

WAIT FOR IT.

WAIT."

"SHE TRIED TO DO THE BLOODY

DEATH ROLL ON ME.

DID YOU SEE HER TRY TO ROLL?"

FUCK YOU GONNA KILL THAT

MOTHERFUCKER?

AND JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW HATERS

BE ON YOU, THIS MOTHERFUCKER

DIDN'T EVEN GET KILLED

BY A CROCODILE.

HE GOT KILLED BY A PUNK,

BITCH-ASS STINGRAY.

AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?

HE WASN'T EVEN

A STINGRAY HUNTER.

YOU KNOW CROCODILES TALKING

SHIT THE NEXT DAY.

JUST, "I KNEW SOMETHING BAD WAS

GONNA HAPPEN TO HIM, NIGGA.

I KNEW IT.

NO, HE WRESTLED MY UNCLE

DOWN ON NATIONAL TV, NIGGA.

MADE A BELT AND SOME SHOES

OUT OF HIM."

WE GOT OUR SOLDIERS FIGHTING

GANGSTER NIGGAS.

THEM TERRORISTS IS GANGSTER.

HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA SCARE

SOMEBODY THAT WANT TO DIE?

YOU'RE LIKE, "I'LL KILL YOUR

MOTHERFUCKING ASS."

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

WHAT THE FUCK?

ASK ANY NIGGA WHO EVER

FOUGHT A CRACKHEAD.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW GOOD YOU

THINK YOU COULD FIGHT.

YOU CANNOT BEAT A CRACKHEAD,

NIGGA. YOU --

CRACKHEADS WOBBLE BUT THEY

DON'T FALL DOWN.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS'LL FIGHT YOU

ALL NIGHT FOR $11.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS IS GANGSTERS.

THEY DON'T BE BLUFFING NEITHER.

WE BE THINKING THEY'RE BLUFFING.

THEY DON'T BE BLUFFING.

THEY BE RIGHT THERE ON

NATIONAL TV JUST,

"IF YOU'RE NOT DO WHAT

WE ARE FOR SAY TO DO,

TOMORROW AT 12:00,

WE ARE GOING TO CUT OFF

HIS HEAD."

WE BE AT THE HOUSE LIKE,

"THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT.

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA CUT OFF

NOBODY'S MOTHERFUCKING HEAD

ON NATIONAL TV."

THE VERY NEXT DAY AT 11:59,

THEY JUST...

YOU BE LIKE, "SHIT!

PLAY IT AGAIN, PLAY IT AGAIN.

SHIT!"

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS, WE CAN'T BE

BULLSHITTING WITH THEM.

WE'VE GOT TO GET OUR SOLDIERS

AWAY FROM THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

'CAUSE WE SOME BULLIES.

WE WON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM

NOBODY'S LITTLE RAGGEDY COUNTRY.

NONE.

WE BE RIGHT ON TV DARING THEM TO

SAY SOME SHIT.

"JUST SAY SOMETHING, BITCH.

SEE IF WE DON'T COME OVER

THERE AND KILL YOUR WHOLE

COUNTRY. SAY SOMETHING, BITCH."

WE MIGHT BE BULLIES,

BUT WE AIN'T STUPID.

WE DID ALL THAT TALK ABOUT

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION,

FUCKING WITH OTHER COUNTRIES,

WALKING AROUND LIKE

WE WAS A JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

PRINCIPAL AND SHIT.

JUST, "WHO GOT WEAPONS

OF MASS DESTRUCTION?

WHO GOT WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION?"

WE DID ALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING

TALKING.

NORTH KOREA SHOT OFF

TEN MOTHERFUCKING MISSILES.

WE SMOOTH ACT LIKE WE

AIN'T EVEN SEE THAT SHIT.

WE JUST...

WE AIN'T TRYING TO FUCK

WITH THEM CHINESE.

THERE'S 14 BILLION OF THEM

MOTHERFUCKERS, AND WHITE PEOPLE,

LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE

SECRET FROM NIGGER-DOM.

IF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GET IN

A FIGHT WITH CHINESE PEOPLE,

PLEASE DON'T THINK NIGGAS IS

FIXIN' TO HELP YOU.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU,

AS LONG AS THEM MOTHERFUCKERS

MAKE SOME OF THE BEST ORANGE

CHICKEN NIGGAS HAVE EVER TASTED

FOR $1.29, YOU BETTER NOT

FUCK WITH THE CHINESE.

NOT AS MANY KUNG FU MOVIES

AS WE'VE DONE SEEN.

WE LOVE THE CHINESE.

WE AIN'T GONNA TURN

AGAINST THEM NEITHER.

Y'ALL CAN GET US IN THE MEETING

ALL YOU WANT TO.

JUST, "NIGGAS, NIGGAS, NIGGAS.

HUDDLE UP, NIGGAS, HUDDLE UP.

WE'RE HAVING A PROBLEM

WITH THE CHINESE."

"NIGGA, EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE

IS MADE FROM CHINA, NIGGA.

I GOT A MITSUBISHI ON 22s

RIGHT NOW, NIGGA.

I DROVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER HERE."

BLACK WOMEN DEFINITELY AIN'T

GONNA FIGHT THE CHINESE

AS LONG AS THEM MOTHERFUCKERS

MAKE THE BEST YAKI

WE CAN EVER FIND --

NUMBER 12, JET BLACK.

DON'T FUCK WITH THE CHINESE.

STOP FUCKING WITH THEM CHINESE

PEOPLE --

THEY OWN EVERYTHING,

CELL PHONES AND THE INTERNET.

THEY'LL SHUT OFF

THE WHOLE INTERNET.

YOU'LL BE AT WORK TRYING TO GET

ON MYSPACE, JUST...

"CONTROL, ALT, DELETE.

CONTROL, ALT, DELETE.

ESCAPE, ESCAPE, ESCAPE."

NO, BITCH, IT AIN'T COMING BACK.

JUST SAYING,

YOU GOT TO WATCH IT.

THEY WANT US TO LOSE FOCUS ON

SHIT THAT DON'T MATTER,

LIKE GODDAMN MICHAEL RICHARDS.

KRAMER, MOTHERFUCKER, WALKING

AROUND CALLING PEOPLE "NIGGA."

THEY WANT ME TO BE MAD ABOUT IT.

I AIN'T FUCKIN' MAD.

IF HE CAN SAY "NIGGA" IN FRONT

OF SOME NIGGAS AND GET AWAY,

THEN LUCKY FOR HIM.

HE SAID IT IN FRONT OF

THE RIGHT NIGGAS.

I BET YOU HE COULDN'T

COME IN THIS BITCH

AND START CALLING

SOMEBODY A NIGGA.

IT'D BE A SHORT SHOW.

JUST, "HEY, NIGGA --"

WE'D HAVE DRUG THAT MOTHERFUCKER

OUT THE ANGRY CROWD, NIGGA.

JUST RIGHT UP

TO SEINFELD'S HOUSE.

JUST, "SEINFELD!

IS THIS YOUR SHIT?"

[ LAUGHS ]

SHIT.

I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT

MOTHERFUCKER.

HE GOT TO HIDE FROM ALL NIGGAS.

ALL NIGGAS.

HE GOT TO HIDE FROM ALL NIGGAS.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO HIDE

FROM TWO NIGGAS.

YOU EVER HAD TO HIDE FROM

TWO NIGGAS? JUST...

HE GOT TO HIDE FROM ALL NIGGAS.

"OKAY, NO NIGGERS, NO NIGGERS,

NO NIGG--"

[ TAPS MICROPHONE ]

THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT.

THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT YOU DO

WHEN YOU HIGH.

I ACTUALLY HIT MYSELF SO HARD,

IT STUNNED ME FOR A SECOND.

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THE REAL SHIT IS THE FUNNY SHIT.

I FEEL SORRY FOR FAKE NIGGAS.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE.

FUCK.

I'M GONNA TELL THE TRUTH.

I ALMOST GAVE MYSELF

A CONCUSSION.

THERE IT IS. FUCK.

YOU SAW IT LIVE.

JUST SAYING.

THE WORLD TOO FUCKING CRAZY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAD THAT

WHOLE SHIT ABOUT MOTHERFUCKERS

SAYING "NIGGA,"

THEN, PAUL MOONEY, OUR NIGGA,

GONNA GET ON TV

AND SAY HE AIN'T NEVER SAYING

"NIGGA" AGAIN.

WHAT?

THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT FROM US.

NIGGA, YOU GONNA LET 'EM TAKE

OUR SHIT?

AS LONG AS WHITE PEOPLE CAN SAY

"BAD CREDIT,"

WE SHOULD BE ABLE

TO SAY "NIGGA."

THAT'S OUR SHIT.

OPRAH TALKING ABOUT,

"WE CAN'T SAY 'NIGGA' NO MORE."

COME ON, OPRAH.

YOU OWN EVERYTHING.

DON'T TAKE "NIGGA" FROM US.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WE LOVE YOU,

OPRAH, 'CAUSE YOU A NIGGA?

DID YOU FORGET THAT?

REMEMBER COLOR PURPLE?

"TILL YOU DO RIGHT BY ME,

NIGGA."

THAT WAS THE SHIT.

OPRAH'S OUR NIGGA.

SHIT GETTING CRAZY.

GETTING FUCKING CRAZY.

THAT'S WHY I BE TRYING TO COME

ON THE ROAD,

SO I CAN BE AROUND REAL NIGGAS,

'CAUSE HOLLYWOOD'LL THROW YOU

FOR A MOTHERFUCKING LOOP.

I GOT MOTHERFUCKERS FUCKING WITH

ME 'CAUSE I SAID SOMETHING

ABOUT MICHAEL -- I CAN SAY

WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO SAY.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL,

YOU SONS OF BITCHES.

YOU SEE HE MOVED HIS ASS OUT

THE COUNTRY, DON'T YOU?

YOU SEE THAT?

THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIVE

IN A COUNTRY NOW WHERE THERE

AIN'T NO CHILD LAWS.

HE CAN PICK A LITTLE BOY LIKE

FLOWERS NOW.

HE CAN...

[HUMMING]

"OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK AT THAT. THAT IS NICE."

[ LAUGHS ]

EDDIE MURPHY AND MARTIN CALLING

ME, SHIT, TALKING ABOUT,

"NIGGA, WHEN MICHAEL SEE YOU,

NIGGA, HE GONNA GIVE YOU

THE WHISPERIN' OF A LIFETIME,

NIGGA."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD EVEN

SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT."

I'M GONNA DO LIL' JON ON HIM.

"WHAT?!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU --"

"WHAT?!"

"YEAH!"

WHOLE FUCKING WORLD GOING CRAZY.

I KNOW IT'S CRAZY.

I GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE CRAZY.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING AT THE

AIRPORT WITH A GODDAMN PISTOL,

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING

SHOWS AND SHIT?

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

I HAD TOO MUCH LUGGAGE,

TOO MANY GUNS.

MY MOTHERFUCKING BAD.

AT LEAST MY NIGGA FRIENDS

UNDERSTOOD.

MY WHITE FRIENDS DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND AT ALL.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS, "WHAT?

HE HAD A GUN?"

NIGGAS ARE LIKE, "UH, YEAH.

NIGGA BETTER HAVE

A MOTHERFUCKING GUN."

WHITE PEOPLE IS LIKE,

"BUT IT WAS STOLEN."

"UH, YEAH.

I'M GONNA SHOOT A NIGGA

WITH MY GUN?

WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?"

BAM, BAM!

THERE'S THE EVIDENCE.

COME FIND ME.

SHIT.

FUCKED-UP PART ABOUT IT WAS

THE TSA PERSON WAS COOL.

IT WAS A NIGGA.

HE, LIKE, 24.

HE A FAN. HE TALKING ALL

PROFESSIONAL AND SHIT,

AND THEN I JUST HEARD

THE NIGGA JUST COME OUT

OF HIM AND SCARE BOTH OF US.

AND HE WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH,

MAN, I WATCH WILD 'N OUT

ALL THE TIME, MAN...

NIGGA, WHAT THE FUCK

ARE YOU DOING?"

I WAS, LIKE, "NIGGA, WHAT ARE

YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"NIGGA, IT'S A GUN IN THIS BAG."

"NIGGA, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BAG.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU -- WHOO.

MM-MM.

I HATE BAGS, NIGGA.

I HATE 'EM.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE 'EM UNDER

MY EYES, NIGGA.

MY NIGGAS'LL TELL YOU

I HATE A BAG."

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK MY ASS

TO JAIL, AND THE FUCKED-UP PART

IS I HADN'T BEEN SINCE THE LAST

TIME I HAD NO MONEY,

SO I WAS IN THERE BROKE,

AND I WENT THERE

AND IT'S THE SAME

MOTHERFUCKING JAIL.

IT AIN'T CHANGED A BIT.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL JAIL.

FOR THOSE OF Y'ALL WHO AIN'T

NEVER BEEN TO JAIL,

YOU WANT TO

KNOW WHAT'S IT LIKE?

GO HOME, GO IN THE CLOSET, TURN

OFF THE LIGHT, AND STAND THERE.

I AIN'T GET TOO DEPRESSED

'CAUSE I WAS KIND OF PROUD,

'CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE,

I WAS FINALLY IN JAIL

AND I FINALLY, FINALLY

HAD THE BAIL MONEY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND THAT

MOTHERFUCKER LIKE,

"IT'S ALL RIGHT, BITCH."

THEY WERE TRYING

TO OFFER ME SHIT.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR SANDWICH,

BITCH, I AIN'T GONNA BE HERE

LONG, THAT'S OKAY.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR BLANKET AND

YOUR PILLOW, BITCH,

'CAUSE I'M FIXIN' TO...

[ZOOMS]

OPEN THE DOOR, BITCHES,

AND SEE...[ZOOMS]

I DID ALL THAT TALKING,

I SAID -- THEY CAME BACK.

THEY WAS LIKE,

"SIR, YOU HAVE NO BAIL."

"OH, JESUS. JESUS!

HOW I'MA PAY 10%

OF NOTHING, JESUS?

I CAN'T DO ALGEBRA, LORD."

STUPID.

SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE WORLD,

YOU CAN'T REALLY TRUST NOTHING

BUT YOUR FAMILY,

YOUR RELATIONSHIP,

YOUR KIDS, YOUR FRIENDS.

THAT'S IT.

STOP TRYING TO WORRY ABOUT

THE REST OF THE WORLD.

CONTROL THE SHIT YOU CAN

CONTROL.

YOU GOT TO WATCH

YOUR OWN PEOPLE.

TELL ME Y'ALL GOT KIDS AT HOME.

Y'ALL NEED TO GO HOME

AND KISS 'EM, FOR NO REASON.

JUST KISS 'EM SOFT SO YOU DON'T

WAKE THEIR BAD ASS UP.

ALL THE PARENTS KNOW,

YOU DON'T BE TRYING TO WAKE --

"LOOK AT THAT

MOTHERFUCKER THERE.

THAT NIGGA NEVER EVEN LOOKED

LIKE HE KILLED

TWO ROTTWEILERS TODAY, DO IT?"

I'M ONLY TALKING ABOUT MY

FRIENDS NOW.

FUCK IT.

I TALK ABOUT SHAQUILLE O'NEAL

'CAUSE THAT'S MY FRIEND,

AND EVEN THOUGH HE'S MY FRIEND,

THIS NIGGA IS STILL RETARDED.

NIGGA IS STUPIDER

THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT ENOUGH

MONEY TO BE WHATEVER THE FUCK

HE WANT TO BE HIS WHOLE LIFE,

AND WHAT THE FUCK

DOES THIS NIGGA WANT TO BE?

A GODDAMN SHERIFF.

YOU CAN'T BE NO GODDAMN

SHERIFF, SHAQ!

YOU ARE 18'6'12", NIGGA,

HOW THE FUCK --

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO UNDERCOVER.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY DRUGS?"

"NO, SHAQ.

WE KNOW THAT'S YOUR

MOTHERFUCKING ASS."

YOU A DUMB MOTHERFUCKER IF YOU

LET SHAQ PULL YOU OUT THE CAR.

HE'S LIKE, "COULD YOU STEP OUT

THE CAR?"

"NIGGA, COULD YOU MAKE

A FREE THROW?

THEN I'M NOT GETTING OUT THEN.

I'M JUST NOT GONNA DO IT."

IF YOU WANT THAT NIGGA

NOT TO SHOOT YOU,

YOU'VE GOT TO DRESS

UP LIKE A BASKET. JUST...

HE CAN'T SHOOT THEM.

HE CAN'T SHOOT BASKETS.

HE CAN'T DO IT.

THAT'S MY NIGGA,

I CAN TALK ABOUT HIM.

I AIN'T SCARED OF SHAQ.

SHAQ AIN'T EVEN THE GANGSTER

IN HIS FAMILY.

HIS WIFE IS THE GANGSTER.

SHE'S MY SIZE.

SHE DONE HAD FIVE OF THIS

NIGGA'S GARGANTUAN-TYPE,

DINOSAUR-ASS BABIES.

SHE DON'T EVEN GIVE

A FUCK NO MORE.

SHAQ'S BABY BE 3 1/2 YEARS OLD

WHEN THEY COME OUT.

SHE BE STEADY IN THE

CONVERSATION.

"ANYWAY, GIRL, I WAS GOING --

UGH."

FUCK SHAQ.

THAT NIGGA WILL INVITE ME TO

HIS SON'S FOURTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I GET THERE, AND ME AND THIS

GODDAMN BABY IS LOOKING

EACH OTHER EYE TO EYE AND SHIT.

AND HIS SON GONNA HAVE THE

NERVE TO PUT HIS HANDS UP

LIKE I'M GONNA PICK

HIS BIG ASS UP.

"PUT YOUR GODDAMN HANDS DOWN.

AIN'T NOBODY PICKING YOU UP.

NIGGA, WE THE SAME SIZE."

YOU CAN TELL HE WAS SHAQ'S BABY

'CAUSE HE WAS REAL BIG,

BUT HE COULDN'T TALK GOOD.

ALL HE COULD DO -- HE COULD JUST

REPEAT WHATEVER THE LAST THING

YOU SAID.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY,

YOU WANT SOME CANDY?"

"OH...CANDY."

STARTED FUCKING WITH HIM.

"YOU WANT SOME CHICKEN?"

"OH...CHICKEN."

I CONFUSE THE SHIT

OUT THAT NIGGA.

I SAY, "YOU WANT A CANDY

OR A WHUPPIN'?

"OH...A WHOOPIN'."

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

BETTER TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS.

THEY'RE THE ONES

THAT GOT YOUR BACK.

IT CAN BE A MOTHERFUCKING

HASSLE THOUGH.

YOU GONNA PUT UP WITH SOME SHIT

RAISING YOUR BABIES,

BUT YOU BETTER APPRECIATE THEM

MOTHERFUCKERS.

THEY THE ONES THAT REALLY

FUCKING CARE.

I KNOW, I'VE GOT ADOPTED KIDS.

THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT SHIT

WHEN YOU GOT ADOPTED.

THAT MEAN YOU JUST REACHING IN A

BAG, HOPING FOR SOME GOOD SHIT.

YOU JUST, "PLEASE, JESUS.

PLEA-- OOH, THAT'S A MURDERER.

NIGGA, I KNOW A MURDERER WHEN

THE FUCK I SEE ONE.

THAT NIGGA--"

KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

MY BABY GIRL IS 18 MONTHS.

SHE WAS BORN WITH

CRACK IN HER SYSTEM.

NOW, WHEN THE BABY IS BORN

WITH CRACK IN THEIR SYSTEM,

THEIR BODY DON'T DEVELOP RIGHT,

SO SHE WAS BORN AT,

LIKE, 4 POUNDS

OR SOME CRAZY SHIT.

SO WHEN THE BABY

IS BORN THAT SMALL,

THEN THEY PUT 'EM ON STEROIDS SO

THE BODY CAN CATCH UP.

I DON'T THINK THESE

MOTHERFUCKERS DID THE PROPER

RESEARCH THAT MAYBE CRACK

AND STEROIDS AIN'T A REAL GOOD

COMBINATION FOR A BABY GIRL.

GOT HER WALKING AROUND MY HOUSE

LOOKING LIKE 50 CENT IN PAMPERS.

SHE'S...

LIKE, "SHIT, YOU CAN'T RUN UP

ON DADDY LIKE THAT.

I ALMOST STABBED YOU.

NOW, TELL A NIGGA

WHEN YOU WANT SOME CEREAL.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

THAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING BOO-BOO.

THAT CRACK AND STEROIDS DONE

MADE HER A GANGSTER.

SHE AIN'T EVEN LIKE A BABY.

SHE'S JUST A GANGSTER.

YOU BE TRYING TO FEED HER

AND SHE JUST DO GANGSTER SHIT.

AND YOU BE TRYING TO LOOK AT

HER, BUT SHE BE GIVING YOU

THE FUCKING GANGSTER BACK.

YOU BE LIKE, "COME ON.

EAT SOME MORE." SHE'S...

YOU TRYING TO PLAY IT OFF LIKE

YOU AIN'T SCARED.

YOU'RE JUST, "YOU ATE A LOT.

YOU ATE A LOT.

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT,

ALL RIGHT?

I DIDN'T SEE YOU

HAD ATE THIS MUCH."

SHE GONNA FUCKING CRY TILL SHE

GET WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANT.

THE PROBLEM IS SHE CAN'T TELL

YOU WHAT SHE WANT.

SHE DON'T EVEN CRY LIKE A BABY.

SHE CRY LIKE A GANGSTER.

SHE JUST IN THE HIGH CHAIR JUST,

"HUH-AHH! HUH-AHH!

HUH-AHH!"

"WELL, WHAT THE FUCK DO --"

GOT GROWN NIGGAS

RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE

LOOKING FOR WHAT

THE FUCK SHE WANTS.

GOT TO LOVE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING

KIDS THOUGH.

YOU CAN COUNT ON THEM.

SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS, YOU'VE GOT

TO WATCH -- THAT'S THE SAD PART.

WHILE YOU BE LOOKING FOR HATERS,

SOME OF THEM BE CLOSER

THAN YOU FUCKING THINK.

THEY BE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.

[ APPLAUSE ]

SOME OF THEM IS CLAPPING

RIGHT NOW, LOOK AT 'EM.

LOOK AT 'EM.

NO, I'M PLAYING WITH YOU.

[ CLAPS ]

THEY BE HATING QUIET.

THEY DON'T HATE LOUD.

THEY HATE QUIET.

LIKE, EVERY TIME YOU SAY YOU'RE

GONNA DO SOMETHING GOOD

WITH YOUR LIFE, THEY'VE GOT TO

MAKE A LITTLE NOISE,

A LITTLE SOUND EFFECT.

THEY JUST...

"MAN, I'M GONNA GET

MY SHIT TOGETHER."

[ SCOFFS ]

I'M TELLING YOU THEY GONNA HATE.

THEY GOT TO.

THEY DON'T HAVE NO CHOICE.

THEY'VE GOT TO HATE.

JESUS WAS PERFECT,

AND HE ONLY HAD 12 FRIENDS,

AND ONE OF THEM WAS A HATER.

SAT RIGHT AT THE TABLE WITH HIM.

JESUS WAS COOL.

HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY

NOTHING TO HIM.

IF I'D HAVE BEEN JESUS,

I'D HAVE FRONTED HIM OFF

FIRST CHANCE I GOT.

"YOU GONNA SIT AT

MY TABLE, JUDAS?

PUT SOME WATER ON THE GROUND.

DO YOU SEE ME WALKING ON WATER,

JUDAS?

TURN YOU TO A FROG

IN THIS BITCH."

THEY GONNA HATE.

YOU JUST GOT TO TAKE IT.

YOU GOT TO TAKE IT.

THEY NOT MAD AT US.

WE THINK THEY HATE US.

THEY DON'T HATE US.

THEY HATE GOOD SHIT.

THEY USED TO WANT GOOD SHIT,

HOPE FOR GOOD SHIT,

THEN GOOD SHIT

DIDN'T HAPPEN TO 'EM,

AND NOW THESE MOTHERFUCKERS

HATE GOOD SHIT.

THEY DON'T HATE US.

THEY MAD NOW 'CAUSE

THEY GOT A RAGGEDY CAR.

THEY LOOKING AT THE NIGGA

IN THE ESCALADE

LIKE HE MADE A FUCKED-UP

DECISION. THEY JUST...

"WHAT THE FUCK HE GOT

SIX TVs FOR IN THERE?

IT AIN'T EVEN SIX MOTHERFUCKERS

IN THERE."

"DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT,

RAGGEDY BITCH.

FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THAT DUCT

TAPE OFF YOUR TAILLIGHT

AND MIND YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

IT'S 2007, BITCH."

NIGGA, THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE,

NIGGA?

[ CHEERING ]

I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL WAS

EXPECTING TO HEAR SOME JOKES

FROM THE PIMP CHRONICLES PART 1,

BUT I DON'T FEEL RIGHT CHARGING

Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS MONEY TO SEE

SOME SHIT YOU ALREADY SAW

FOR FREE, SO BEAR WITH

A MOTHERFUCKER.

IT'S 2007 IN THIS BITCH.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR BULLSHIT.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU CAN

ONLY CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS,

YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY,

AND THE PERSON YOU IN

A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

LADIES, Y'ALL ARE IN CHARGE OF

ALL RELATIONSHIPS WITH US MEN.

YOU KNOW THAT, SO GET ON

YOUR FUCKING JOB.

[ WOMAN SHOUTING ]

YEAH, EVEN YOU, MA'AM, YES.

PL--

SHE HAD TOURETTE'S.

SHE JUST HOLLERING OUT SHIT

FOR NO REASON.

"98!"

WHAT?

I'M JUST SAYING, LADIES, IF

YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

IT'S HARD, IT'S HARD.

Y'ALL CAN'T KEEP TALKING SHIT

ABOUT MEN.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND -- YOU'RE

EITHER WITH US OR YOU AIN'T.

I'M GETTING TIRED OF WOMEN

WALKING AROUND TALKING SHIT.

TALKING ABOUT, "FUCK NIGGAS.

NIGGAS AIN'T SHIT."

WELL, BITCH, YOU NEED TO EITHER

GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND

OR SHUT THE FUCK UP,

ENJOY THE GODDAMN GAME.

SHIT.

IT'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP, LADIES.

IT'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

SOME OF Y'ALL ARE BEING GREEDY.

SOME OF Y'ALL OUT THERE ARE

LOOKING FOR A 100% GOOD NIGGA.

NOW, LET ME JUST TELL YOU, I HAD

A MEETING WITH ALL THESE NIGGAS

IN ATTENDANCE TONIGHT,

AND WE ESTABLISHED

THERE IS NO SUCH A NIGGA,

SO STOP LOOKING

FOR THE MOTHERFUCKER,

AND IF WE DID HAVE THAT NIGGA,

HE WOULDN'T WANT

YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

HE'D BE LOOKING FOR A 100%--

AIN'T NO PERFECT PEOPLE, LADIES,

AND SOMETIMES YOU SET YOUR

SIGHTS TOO HIGH

AND DON'T GIVE NIGGAS NO CREDIT.

SOME OF Y'ALL DONE HAD

98% GOOD NIGGAS,

98%, BUT YOU GOT RID OF THEM

NIGGAS FOR 2 FUCKING PERCENT.

98% GOOD.

NIGGAS WENT TO WORK,

MADE A CHECK, BROUGHT IT BACK,

SHARED IT WITH YOU,

PUT GAS IN THE CAR,

DIDN'T BEAT ON YOU,

TOOK CARE OF YOUR KIDS

BETTER THAN HIS OWN KIDS.

HE CAN'T EVEN SEE HIS KIDS.

HE RUBBING YOUR SON'S HAIR

AND PUTTING HIS BACKPACK ON

IN THE MORNINGS.

YOU DONE GOT RID OF

THAT NIGGA FOR 2%.

RIGHT NOW, YOU SITTING IN

HERE WITH A 71% NIGGA

HOPING HE AN UPGRADE.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU CAN'T EVEN CLAP

'CAUSE HE LOOKING.

JUST SAYING, LADIES,

YOU'VE GOT TO BE HAPPY.

HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA

HAVE A 98% GOOD NIGGA

AND YOU GOT RID

OF THAT NIGGA FOR 2%,

'CAUSE HE CHEATED

ON YOU A LITTLE.

FUCKING 2%.

YOU -- OH, WHAT?

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW?

LADIES LIKE, "NIGGA,

THAT'S A BIG TWO, NIGGA.

WHAT THE FUCK?"

THE FELLAS THAT ARE WITH ME,

"PLEASE MAKE THIS WORK, NIGGA.

PLEASE, PLEASE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GONNA DO,

NIGGA, PLEASE."

JUST GOT TO UNDERSTAND, LADIES,

SHIT IS COMPLICATED.

PART OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY IN

THE RELATIONSHIP IS MAKING SURE

YOUR MAN DON'T CHEAT.

HELP THE NIGGA OUT.

YOU KNOW NIGGAS LOSE FOCUS.

WE EASY TO LOSE FOCUS.

WE JUST WANT TO WORK AND PLAY

AND FUCK AND EAT,

AND NOT NECESSARILY

IN THAT ORDER,

'CAUSE IF A NIGGA CAN FUCK,

WE AIN'T EVEN HUNGRY.

WE'RE JUST, "MM-MM,

I ATE YESTERDAY.

I'M GOOD.

JUST GIVE A NIGGA A TIC TAC

OR SOMETHING." JUST...

LADIES, IT'S TIME

TO DO SOME NEW SHIT.

IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP

AND YOU WANT TO KEEP

THE RELATIONSHIP,

YOU'VE GOT TO DO CERTAIN THINGS

TO KEEP RAGGEDY BITCHES

OFF YOUR MAN.

YOU ARE AT WAR WITH

RAGGEDY BITCHES,

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T

SUCK YOUR MAN'S DICK,

I KNOW A RAGGEDY BITCH WHO WILL.

NOW, I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU

WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP, LADIES,

HOWEVER MUCH DICK YOU ARE

SUCKING, SUCK TWICE THAT AMOUNT

AND SEE IF IT DOES NOT CHANGE

YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

LOOK AT THE FELLAS.

"YES, NIGGA, YES.

WHAT A RESOLUTION.

YES, I AM BEHIND THAT."

LADIES, LADIES, NOW, I -- LOOK.

I SEE HOW Y'ALL

ARE LOOKING AT ME.

LOOK. LOOK, LET ME SAY THIS

BEFORE I EVEN START.

LADIES, IF YOU HAVE MADE A

CONSCIENTIOUS DECISION

THAT YOU ARE NOT GONNA SUCK

ANY DICK,

THAT IS YOUR RIGHT

AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

LET ME SAY IT AGAIN.

IF YOU HAVE MADE A CONSCIENTIOUS

DECISION THAT YOU ARE NOT

GONNA SUCK ANY DICK,

THAT IS YOUR RIGHT

AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

NOW, I WILL SAY IT DON'T LOOK

GOOD ON YOUR RESUME

WHEN YOU NEED SOME SHIT

DONE AROUND THE HOUSE.

I WILL SAY THAT.

LADIES, YOUR JOB IS TO KEEP YOUR

MAN -- KEEP HIM FOCUSED ON YOU,

AND I THINK, LADIES, IF YOU

WOULD JUST SUCK A LITTLE MORE

DICK, I THINK --

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW

POWERFUL IT IS.

JUST -- WE GONNA -- I'M GONNA

GIVE YOU SOME HOMEWORK.

YOU TRY IT.

I WON'T EVEN BE THERE,

AND SEE HOW IT WORK.

NEXT TIME YOUR MAN COME IN

ARGUING AND CUSSING AND SHIT,

JUST SUCK THAT NIGGA'S DICK IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE ARGUMENT,

AND SEE HOW QUICKLY

THE ARGUMENT ENDS.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

WHAT HE MAD ABOUT.

JUST, "THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT,

AND I'M TIRED OF THIS GOD--

MMM. SHIT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I BE

HOLLERING AT YOU FOR.

YOU AIN'T NEVER DONE NOTHING.

YOU KNOW THEM NIGGAS AT THE JOB

BE STRESSING A NIGGA OUT

WITH SHIT AND...

HERE I COME IN HERE BLAMING IT

ON YOU AND SHIT."

WE LOVE GETTING OUR DICK SUCKED

IN THE CAR.

IF YOU GONNA SUCK OUR DICK --

WE GET EXCITED AS SOON AS YOU

TOUCH THE SEATBELT.

WE JUST...

START MOVING SHIT OUT THE MIDDLE

AND TOOK THE RADIO OUT.

IF YOU'LL SUCK OUR DICK

IN THE CAR,

WE'LL DRIVE 500 MILES IN

THE MOST AWKWARD POSITION EVER.

JUST...

JUST SAYING, LADIES.

IF YOU KNEW HOW POWERFUL IT WAS,

YOU'D HAVE TO DO IT.

LOOK, LADIES, LET'S JUST TRY

SOMETHING OUT.

JUST, TONIGHT, AFTER THE SHOW,

JUST SUCK YOUR NIGGA'S DICK

IN THE CAR ON THE WAY

TO THE HOUSE,

AND SEE -- LOOK AT THE FELLAS.

"YES." [BABBLES]

JUST TRY IT, LADIES,

AND SEE IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

DON'T CHANGE IN THE MORNING,

JUST SEE.

WHEN YOU WAKE UP, THAT NIGGA

WILL BE FULLY DRESSED

WITH A HAMMER, JUST,

"HOW ARE YOU DOING, BABY?

ARE YOU OKAY?

I BUILT YOU A PORCH RIGHT

BY THE BED BECAUSE...

THERE'S A DRIVEWAY

RIGHT THERE IN THE BATHROOM.

JUST TAKE A BATH AND..."

[ZOOMS]

I TELL YOU, LADIES, I KNOW SOME

OF Y'ALL LADIES

DON'T LIKE DOING IT.

YOU THINK HEAD LACKS

THE INTIMACY

AND YOU MISS THE BOND

AND SHIT.

SOME LADIES DON'T LIKE IT

PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

THEY DON'T LIKE HAVING TO DO

THIS TO A NIGGA.

GET ON THEY KNEES

IN FRONT OF A NIGGA

THEY JUST CALLED A DIRTY

SON OF A BITCH 45 MINUTES AGO.

LADIES, IF THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM,

TELL THAT TO YOUR MAN.

SEE IF THAT NIGGA DON'T TRY

TO HELP THE RELATIONSHIP

AND PULL A STEPLADDER RIGHT IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM.

JUST...

"OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

LOOK AT THAT.

GOT YOUR POSTURE

ALL UP AND SHIT.

I APPRECIATE THAT."

JUST SAYING, LADIES.

SOME OF Y'ALL JUST DON'T

UNDERSTAND WHAT IT DO FOR US.

LIKE, SOME OF Y'ALL LADIES THINK

IT'S A PUSSY REPLACEMENT.

HEAD AIN'T NO PUSSY REPLACEMENT.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL REAL

NIGGAS WHEN I SAY

THERE IS NO SUCH THING

AS A PUSSY REPLACEMENT.

PUSSY IS AT THE TOP OF THE LIST,

BUT HEAD IS IMPORTANT, TOO.

SEE, PUSSY IS LIKE AN OVEN

IN THE KITCHEN.

IT'S THE BEST SHIT EVER.

YOU CAN PUT A HAM IN IT,

AND SOME BISCUITS,

AND SOME VEGETABLES,

AND IN AN HOUR AND 35 MINUTES,

YOU COULD HAVE

A HOME-COOKED MEAL.

EVERYBODY WANT

A HOME-COOKED MEAL.

BUT HEAD IS LIKE A MICROWAVE.

SOMETIMES A NIGGA AIN'T GOT

AN HOUR AND 35 MINUTES

TO BE FUCKING WITH YOUR ASS.

SOMETIMES A NIGGA NEED

A HOT POCKET RIGHT NOW, BITCH.

JUST BING!

THANK YOU.

30 SECONDS.

BING!

THANK YOU.

JUST SAYING, LADIES, IF YOU

DON'T SUCK YOUR MAN'S DICK,

THERE IS A RAGGEDY BITCH

WHO WILL,

AND WE'VE GOT

THE BITCH'S NUMBER.

HANDLE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING

BUSINESS.

JUST SAYING.

WE GOT TO --

LIFE IS CRAZY.

WORK ON YOURSELF.

STOP WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT

PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU,

AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU

THINK ABOUT YOU.

THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT SHIT.

LADIES, LADIES, YOU CAN LEARN

THAT FROM NIGGAS.

AS NIGGAS,

WE GET OVER OURSELF QUICK.

LIKE, IF A NIGGA GOT A FLAW,

ESPECIALLY IF IT'S PHYSICAL,

WE GET OVER IT QUICK,

LIKE, AT 13.

WE GET PAST THE SHIT.

LIKE, "NIGGA, I THINK

I GOT A BIG NOSE.

YEP, IT'S A BIG NOSE."

THAT'S IT.

LADIES, Y'ALL BE

WORRIED ABOUT IT,

TRYING TO CHANGE WHO THE

FUCK YOU ARE.

DON'T BE DOING THAT SHIT.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT

WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE.

IF YOU A BIG WOMAN, JUST BE

A BIG, FLY-ASS, FINE-ASS,

RICH WOMAN, AND LET THAT BE IT.

STOP TRYING TO BE A SKINNY BITCH

ALL YOUR LIFE.

IT MAY NOT BE FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

LOOK AT STAR JONES'

MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

SHE DID THE SURGERY

TO LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT.

THEY DIDN'T TELL HER THEY

COULDN'T TAKE THE FAT OUT

OF HER MOTHERFUCKING HEAD,

SO NOW SHE WALKING AROUND

WITH A ROTTWEILER HEAD

ON A DOBERMAN PINSCHER BODY,

TRYING TO BE CUTE.

THAT BITCH FELL OFF THE VIEW.

JUST...

SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING HAPPY.

LIFE TOO SHORT FOR YOU TO BE

THAT HARD ON YOUR

MOTHERFUCKING SELF.

IF YOU FUCKING WITH ME,

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU

FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF

YOU'VE GOT STRETCH MARKS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHILE I'M

FUCKING YOU HOW MUCH I LIKE IT.

"JUST DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY ABOUT

THAT, BABY.

YOU LOOK LIKE A TIGER.

I LOVE TIGERS.

I REALLY DO.

THAT'S WHY I BE GROWLING

AT YOU SOMETIMES."

JUST [GROWLS].

♪ SHOW 'EM YOU'RE A TIGER ♪

♪ SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU CAN DO ♪

THEY'RE GREAT!

JUST SAYING, LADIES.

GOT TO WORK.

NIGGAS, WE GOT SO MUCH WORK

TO FUCKING DO.

[ WOMEN SHOUTING ]

IT AIN'T EVEN FUNNY --

SHUT UP, LADIES!

MOTHERFUCKERS COULDN'T WAIT.

"YEP, IT'S THEY TURN."

FELLAS, LOOK.

WE GOT TO START TAKING SOME

RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOME SHIT.

MOST OF US IN HERE GOT

A CRAZY-ASS BABY MAMA,

ME INCLUDED, AND WE LOVE TELLING

PEOPLE HOW RETARDED

THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS,

WE CAN'T WAIT TO TELL THE STORY.

"THIS IGNORANT, STUPID BITCH."

WE CAN'T WAIT TO TELL SOMEBODY

THAT STORY.

WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND

WE WAS THE ONE THAT WAS

FUCKING THAT CRAZY BITCH.

THAT WAS US FUCKING

THAT CRAZY BITCH.

WE'VE GOT TO STOP FUCKING

CRAZY BITCHES.

WE KNEW SHE WAS CRAZY

WHEN WE WERE FUCKING HER.

THE BITCH WAS HOLLERING OUT SHIT

WHEN WE WAS FUCKING HER.

JUST, "BANANA CREAM PIE!"

WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN

STOP FUCKING HER.

YOU'RE JUST,

"WHAT DID THAT BITCH SAY?"

NOW, YOU DONE FUCKED AROUND

AND HAD A BABY

BY BANANA CREAM PIE,

AND NOW YOU MAD, SHIT.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING IT,

FELLAS.

I AIN'T SAYING STOP

HOW MUCH YOU'RE FUCKING.

I'M JUST SAYING YOU'VE GOT TO

START FUCKING A BETTER QUALITY

OF WOMAN, BUT WE CAN BE

DISTRACTED BY THE FAT ASS.

THE WOMAN WITH THE FAT ASS

DISTRACT A NIGGA.

WE CAN'T. WE BE IN

THE CLUB LIKE A PACK OF

HYENAS SEEING A FAT ASS.

WE JUST...

MEANWHILE, WE DONE PASSED ALL

THE GOOD WOMEN TO GET TO THIS

WORTHLESS, FAT-ASS BITCH.

SHE AIN'T NEVER DONE NOTHING

WITH HER MOTHERFUCKING LIFE.

NOTHING.

SHE AIN'T GOT NO CONVERSATION,

NO EDUCATION, SHE AIN'T

TAKING CARE OF HER KIDS.

SHE GOT CORNROWS IN HER HAIR.

THE BABY GOT CORN IN HIS HAIR.

THIS WORTHLESS BITCH.

I'M TELLING YOU,

YOU'VE GOT TO STAY AWAY

FROM THEM CRAZY BITCHES.

DO SOME HOMEWORK.

NEXT TIME YOU GO IN THE CLUB

AND YOU GET READY TO TAKE

A WOMAN HOME --

YOU DONE BOUGHT HER SIX

OR SEVEN DRINKS AND SHIT,

LOOK LIKE SHE READY TO LEAVE --

RIGHT BEFORE YOU TAKE HER

OUT THE CLUB, GO IN THE

BATHROOM, SHUT THE STALL,

AND JACK OFF.

AS SOON AS YOU JACK OFF,

COME BACK OUT AND SEE IF

YOU STILL TALKING TO THAT BITCH

THE SAME WAY YOU WAS JUST

TALKING TO HER.

IT MIGHT SCARE YOUR

MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

YOU JUST, "BITCH, YOU OWE ME $7.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS

I THINKING ABOUT?

NIGGA, THAT'S BANANA CREAM PIE.

WHAT THE FUCK?"

I GOT TO -- I GOT TO DO THIS.

I GOT TO DO THIS PUBLIC SERVICE

ANNOUNCEMENT.

THIS IS FOR A CERTAIN GROUP OF

NIGGAS THAT'S IN HERE TONIGHT.

REAL NIGGAS, GENERALLY

DON'T EVEN TALK TO 'EM.

I NEED TO SPEAK TO ALL THE BITCH

NIGGAS IN ATTENDANCE TONIGHT.

IF YOU WOULD PLEASE LISTEN.

UH, BITCH NIGGAS, IF I COULD

HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

THANK YOU.

WE KNOW Y'ALL ARE IN HERE.

EVERY TIME THERE'S

A BUNCH OF REAL NIGGAS,

THERE'S A BUNCH OF

BITCH NIGGAS THAT COME

TRYING TO SEE WHAT

THE FUCK GOING ON.

SO LET ME TALK TO YOU FOR

A SECOND, BITCH NIGGAS.

I KNOW THE REAL NIGGAS ARE

PROBABLY JUST WONDERING LIKE,

"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN

TALK TO THEM?"

BUT BEFORE WE GO TO WAR WITH

Y'ALL FOR ANOTHER YEAR,

I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW YOU

DON'T HAVE TO BE A BITCH NIGGA

ALL YOUR LIFE, OKAY?

YOU DON'T.

AFTER THIS SHOW, YOU CAN GET

ONE OF THESE REAL NIGGAS

IN ATTENDANCE TODAY

AND LET HIM TUTOR YOU

ON MONDAYS, WEDNESDAYS,

AND FRIDAYS

UNTIL YOU GET SOME OF THAT

BITCH OUT YOUR SYSTEM.

I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE,

BITCH NIGGA, PLEASE.

I'M GONNA TRY TO HELP

BITCH NIGGAS.

LOOK, WE WAS TALKING ABOUT

RELATIONSHIPS,

AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU BITCH

NIGGAS IS IN RELATIONSHIPS, TOO,

AND I'M TRYING TO HELP

YOUR RELATIONSHIP, TOO.

LISTEN TO ME,

BITCH NIGGAS, LISTEN.

IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH A WOMAN, BITCH NIGGA,

AND YOU DON'T WANT NOBODY ELSE

FUCKING HER BUT YOU,

I WOULD SUGGEST

THAT YOU START FUCKING

THE DOG SHIT OUT

OF YOUR OWN WOMAN.

LET ME JUST SAY IT AGAIN,

'CAUSE BITCH NIGGAS ARE SLOW.

PLEASE LISTEN.

IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH A WOMAN,

AND YOU DON'T WANT NOBODY

FUCKING HER BUT YOU,

BITCH NIGGA, I WOULD SUGGEST

YOU START FUCKING THE DOG SHIT

OUT OF YOUR OWN WOMAN.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL

REAL NIGGAS WHEN I SAY

THIS IS THE FINAL YEAR THAT

WE'RE GONNA ALLOW YOU

TO SEND YOUR WOMEN OUT

TO THE CLUB, THEY ALL DEPRESSED,

AIN'T GOT NO MONEY IN THEIR

POCKET, CAN'T GET A DRINK,

AND THEN THEY FUCK AROUND

AND MEET A REAL NIGGA,

WE FUCK THE DOG SHIT OUT OF HER

AND SEND HER BACK TO YOUR HOUSE

HAPPY AND SHIT, AND YOU

UNGRATEFUL MOTHERFUCKERS

WON'T EVEN SEND A NIGGA

A CHRISTMAS CARD OR NOTHING.

WON'T BUY NIGGAS A SHOT OF

HENNESSY OR NOTHING.

YOU DISRESPECTFUL BASTARDS.

GO FUCK THE DOG SHIT OUT

YOUR OWN WOMAN.

WE ARE TIRED OF HAVING TO GO ALL

THE WAY ACROSS CHICAGO

TO FIX YOUR RAGGEDY-ASS FAMILY

FOR NO THANKS.

SO LISTEN TO ME, BITCH NIGGAS.

TAKE NOTES IF YOU NEED TO.

I'M GONNA TRY TO HELP YOUR

RELATIONSHIP IF I CAN.

FIRST THING YOU NEED

TO UNDERSTAND, BITCH NIGGA,

THIS IS NOT 1996, SO YOU NEED

TO STOP WITH THAT WHOLE,

"I'M GONNA GET MINE, I HOPE YOU

GET YOURS," SHIT, NIGGA.

YOU NEED TO WATCH A PORNO.

THESE NIGGAS IS PUTTING BITCHES

IN PRETZEL SHAPES,

AND THEY LIKE IT, NIGGA,

IT'S A NEW GODDAMN DAY.

YOU NEED TO GO TO THE NASTY

STORE AND SEE WHAT THESE WOMEN

CAN GET FOR $19.95.

THEY DON'T EVEN NEED A BITCH

NIGGA NO MOTHERFUCKING MORE.

THEY GOT SHIT THAT'LL FUCK 'EM

AND PUT AN EARPIECE IN THEIR EAR

AND SAY GOOD SHIT TO 'EM.

JUST, "YOU THE ONLY ONE

IN MY LIFE.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

MY WHOLE CHECK.

DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?

GOD DAMN YOU LOOK GOOD

IN THEM JEANS."

TIME TO STOP PLAYING WITH THESE

WOMEN IN 2007, BITCH NIGGAS.

FIRST THING YOU NEED TO

UNDERSTAND, BITCH NIGGAS,

IF YOU'RE ON THE WAY TO YOUR

WOMAN'S HOUSE, THE FIRST THING

YOU NEED TO DO BEFORE YOU EVEN

SEE HER IS JACK OFF.

NOW, I KNOW THE BITCH NIGGA

THINKING,

"WHY WOULD I JACK OFF

BEFORE I GET SOME PUSSY?"

IT'S THAT TYPE OF THINKING THAT

MAKES YOU A BITCH NIGGA.

YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN

TO ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO HELP,

YOU RAGGEDY MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU GOT TO GET THAT FIRST NUT

OUT THE WAY.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL

REAL NIGGAS WHEN I SAY

THAT FIRST NUT

HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN.

YOU CANNOT TRUST THAT

MOTHERFUCKER.

THE FIRST NUT WILL BETRAY YOU

ANY CHANCE IT GET.

YOU BE THINKING YOU KILLING IT.

JUST, "I AM KNOCKING THE SHIT

OUT OF THIS --

OH, HELL NO.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT."

NOW, YOU GOT TO PLAY IT OFF.

JUST, "YOU ARE NOT READY YET.

YOU ARE NOT READY YET.

I'M GONNA EAT YOUR PUSSY AGAIN.

YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THIS."

LOOK AT ALL THE LADIES.

"IS THAT WAS HE WAS DOING?"

YES, BOO-BOO.

IF A NIGGA EATS YOUR PUSSY

TWICE IN FIVE MINUTES,

THERE WAS AN ERROR, BITCH.

START FROM THE BEGINNING.

START FROM THE BEGINNING.

RESET.

SO YOU'VE GOT TO GET THAT FIRST

NUT OUT THE WAY, BITCH NIGGA.

GET IT OUT THE WAY.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL

REAL NIGGAS WHEN I SAY

THERE IS NOTHING MORE POWERFUL

THAN ARRIVING

AT YOUR WOMAN'S HOUSE

ALREADY ON NUT NUMBER TWO.

YOU WON'T BE BULLSHITTING

ON NUT NUMBER TWO.

YOU JUST COME IN,

"JUST GO ON AND LAY DOWN.

GO ON AND LAY DOWN.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRAP YOUR HAIR

UP THIS EVENING.

MIGHT WANT TO WRAP IT UP."

NOW, LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY IF

YOU WOULD, BITCH NIGGAS.

ONCE YOU PUT ON YOUR CONDOM

AND YOU ARE SAFELY INSIDE,

THE ONLY WORD THAT NEEDS

TO BE IN YOUR BRAIN IS

"CONCENTRATION."

YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE

LOOKING IN HER EYES

AND CARESSING HER SOFTLY

AND SMELLING THAT

RASPBERRY SHIT SHE GOT

FROM BED, BATH, AND BEYOND.

YOU NEED TO BE LOOKING AT

EVERYTHING IN HER HOUSE BUT HER.

JUST KEEP YOUR FOCUS.

JUST...

SING LITTLE SONGS TO YOURSELF

OFF-KEY, SO YOU KEEP YOUR FOCUS.

JUST...

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

NOW, REMEMBER, BITCH NIGGA,

IF YOU FEEL IT

STARTING TO SLIP AWAY,

IF YOU FEEL THAT LITTLE TINGLE,

DON'T BE ASHAMED TO GET

OUT THE PUSSY

AND GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.

THIS IS A ONE-MAN SPORT.

YOU MAKE ALL THE RULES.

IF YOU FEEL IT SLIPPING AWAY,

GET OUT AND GET YOURSELF

TOGETHER.

JUST...

♪ A, B, C, D -- ♪

MY BAD.

♪ E, F, G, H, I ♪

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE HITTING IT

CORRECTLY, BITCH NIGGA,

I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW

HOW YOU'RE DOING,

AND YOU THINK ALL YOU GOT TO DO

IS JUST LISTEN TO HER,

AND SHE'LL LET YOU KNOW

HOW YOU'RE DOING, BUT THAT'S --

YOU A BITCH NIGGA.

SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THESE WOMEN LOVE

THE SHIT OUT OF US, NIGGA,

AND THEY WILL SAY NICE THINGS

TO US IN BED

SO WE'LL THINK WE THE SHIT.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT

THE FUCK SHE'S SAYING.

SHE'LL LIE RIGHT THERE.

"OH, DADDY.

YEAH, YEAH, DADDY.

IT'S ALL IN THERE, DADDY.

I GOT TO PEE."

SHUT UP.

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU DOING?

NIGGA, WATCH HER BODY.

FUCK WHAT SHE SAY.

WATCH HER BODY.

IF YOU LOOK AT HER STOMACH

AND IT LOOK FLAT,

YOU AIN'T DONE SHIT, NIGGA.

IT NEED TO LOOK LIKE

SHE DRINKING

12 GALLONS OF WATER

AT THE SAME TIME.

JUST...

[PANTING]

LOOK AT HER HANDS.

IF HER HANDS LOOK LIKE THIS,

YOU AIN'T DONE SHIT.

YOU NEED HER TO BE THROWING UP

GANG SIGNS THAT DON'T EXIST.

NOW, I KNOW, 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN

MOVING SO FAST, BITCH NIGGA,

I HAVEN'T HAD A LOT OF TIME

TO COVER SOME OF THE DETAILS.

LIKE, I AIN'T HAD TIME TO TALK

ABOUT EATING PUSSY,

AND I KNOW YOU PROBABLY

SITTING THERE THINKING

THAT MEANS YOU

DON'T HAVE TO DO IT,

BUT IT'S THAT TYPE OF

THINKING RIGHT THERE

THAT QUALIFIES YOU TO BE A BITCH

NIGGA IN THE FIRST PLACE.

SEE, REAL NIGGAS KNOW SOME SHIT

BITCH NIGGAS

HAVE NEVER, EVER FOUND OUT.

OOH, IT'S SO QUIET, YOU CAN HEAR

A BITCH NIGGA DROP.

PAYING ATTEN--

THEM NIGGAS LISTENING.

REAL NIGGAS KNOW WE ARE NOT

EATING THE PUSSY FOR YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO, SILLY GIRL.

NO, BOO-BOO.

I'M EATING THE PUSSY FOR ME.

SEE, I ALREADY ATE THE PUSSY.

I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU ALREADY

CAME TWICE.

I FELT YOU WHEN YOU

CLENCHED UP ON A NIGGA

AND DAMN NEAR DECAPITATED ME.

NOW, I GOT THE RARE OPPORTUNITY

OF SURPRISING YOU WITH THE DICK.

YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT THE DICK.

YOU JUST --

"YOU BROUGHT DICK, TOO?

GIRL, THIS NIGGA

BROUGHT DICK, TOO."

NOW, LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY IF

YOU WOULD, BITCH NIGGA.

ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IT

CORRECTLY

FOR, LIKE, 24 AND 3/4 MINUTES,

YOU ARE GONNA START TO FEEL

A PAIN IN YOUR SIDE

LIKE YOU'VE BEEN EXERCISING.

NOW, I KNOW THAT THIS IS

ORDINARILY WHERE BITCH NIGGAS

JUST GO ON AND CALL IT A DAY,

BUT IF YOU CAN MANAGE

TO FUCK THROUGH THE PAIN,

JUST FUCK THROUGH THE PAIN --

'CAUSE SHE DON'T KNOW

YOU'RE IN PAIN.

SHE'S THINKING YOU'RE DOING

SOME SPECIAL SHIT

AND TRYING TO HIT IT

FROM THE SIDE,

SO JUST HIT THROUGH THE PAIN.

'CAUSE 12 MINUTES AFTER THAT,

YOUR BODY IS GONNA GO

INTO AUTOPILOT, AND ANY REAL

NIGGA IN HERE

WHO DO SOME FUCKING WILL

TELL YOU THERE IS NOTHING

MORE WONDERFUL THAN FEELING YOUR

BODY GO INTO AUTOPILOT.

'CAUSE NOW YOU'VE GOT TIME TO

HAVE FUN WITH HER.

YOU'VE GOT TIME TO DO STUPID

SHIT LIKE LOOK AT YOUR OWN DICK.

NOW, LOOK AROUND AT THE CONFUSED

LOOK ON THE BITCH NIGGAS' FACE.

JUST LOOK AT 'EM.

JUST, "LOOK AT YOUR OWN DICK?"

YES, NIGGA.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL REAL

NIGGAS WHEN I SAY

THERE'S NOTHING MORE WONDERFUL

THAN LOOKING AT YOUR OWN DICK.

YOU JUST ALL IN HER.

JUST...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOME OF YOU NIGGAS

CAN'T DO IT NO WAY,

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO BE SO

CLOSE ON THE PUSSY.

YOU JUST...

Y'ALL HAVE BEEN ALL THAT.

I'VE BEEN KATT.

THANK YOU, CHICAGO.

I APPRECIATE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.

FOR REALLY THOUGH.

♪ HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN',

HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN',

EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

DON'T GO NOWHERE YET.

IT AIN'T OVER THOUGH.

IT AIN'T OVER.

IT AIN'T OVER WITH.

WE'VE GOT A SPECIAL, SPECIAL,

SPECIAL TREAT.

WE'RE DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL

RIGHT NOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING

RIGHT BY CHICAGO, NIGGA.

REAL NIGGAS KNOW.

YEAH, REAL NIGGAS KNOW.

SO ME AND THIS YOUNG LADY WAS

TALKING ABOUT THE FACT

THAT WE BE THINKING THESE

RAPPERS IS RICH,

AND SOME OF THEM BE PLATINUM AND

BROKE AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME.

THEM NIGGAS BE IN RENTAL CARS

NEEDING TO BORROW $11,

SO WE JUST WROTE A SONG CALLED

"Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T WINNING,

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T SPINNING,

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T

GETTING THAT BREAD,

Y'ALL NIGGAS KEEP FRONTING,

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T GOT NOTHING,

Y'ALL AIN'T GETTING NO HEAD."

AND IT GO A LITTLE SOMETHING

LIKE THIS -- GO ON AND HIT IT.

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T SPINNING,

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T WINNING ♪

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T

GETTING THAT BREAD ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

ALL THE WAY FROM CHICAGO...

WHO? WHO?

-GIVE IT UP FOR DA BRAT!

-WHOO!

♪ FALL BACK, IT'S A FACT,

I'M THE SHIT ♪

♪ ME AND KATT GOT A HIT,

HIT TRACK IN THE CHI ♪

♪ GOT A 'LAC 212,

GOT A RACK IN THE TRUNK ♪

♪ GOT A MAC FOR YOU PUNKS,

WANNA ACT? ♪

♪ GET JUMPED,

GET JUMPED AT YOUR ADDRESS ♪

♪ AS I ADDRESS YOU BROKE NIGGAS

WITH NO ASSETS ♪

♪ TOOK YOU FOR YOUR STASH

AND YOUR PISSY MATTRESS ♪

♪ YOU AIN'T REALLY GOT SHIT,

BUT YOU A GOOD ACTRESS ♪

♪ NEVER UNDERESTIMATE

A 5'5" FROM THE WEST SIDE ♪

♪ STICK IN THE BACK, NOW I'VE

DONE TOLD YOU THREE TIMES ♪

♪ I'M BUILT FOR THIS SHIT

LIKE A PETERBILT TRUCK ♪

♪ I'VE GOT AN 18-WHEELER

TO TRANSPORT MY STUFF ♪

♪ YOU AIN'T GOT A LOUD DICK

OR LOUD YOUR BITCH ♪

♪ YOU AIN'T GOTTA

IMPRESS A MOTHERFUCKER ♪

♪ TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE RICH ♪

♪ I'M THE SHIT, NIGGA,

BEEN THERE, GO AND DROP 20 ♪

♪ BOOK A SHOW FROM IT,

FRONT LIKE YOU'VE GOT MONEY ♪

♪ SPEND THAT ♪

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T SPINNING,

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T WINNING ♪

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T

GETTING THAT BREAD ♪

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS KEEP FRONTING ♪

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T

GOT NOTHING ♪

♪ Y'ALL AIN'T GETTING NO HEAD ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU WALK

LIKE PIMPIN' ♪

♪ TALK LIKE PIMPIN' ♪

♪ BUT THINK WHERE YOU'D BE

IF YOU THOUGHT LIKE PIMPIN' ♪

♪ WAKE UP IN A PIMP BED

TUCKED IN A PIMP COLOR ♪

♪ PIMP PILLOW ON MY PIMP PERM,

I'M A PIMP BROTHER ♪

♪ I PUT THESE PIMP FEET

IN MY PIMP SHOES ♪

♪ WALK DOWN THE PIMP DRIVEWAY,

GRAB THE PIMP NEWS ♪

♪ WALK IN A PIMP HOUSE,

MAKE ME SOME PIMP COFFEE ♪

♪ THINK WHAT I GOT TO DO TODAY,

GET THE HATERS OFF ME ♪

♪ I'M PIMPIN', PIMPIN',

YOU PLAYING, PLAYER ♪

♪ YOU CAPTAIN SAVER,

I'M CAPTAIN MADE-HER ♪

♪ YOU QUASI-PIMPIN',

YOU SEMI-PIMPIN' ♪

♪ I'M FLYING DOWN THE HIGHWAY,

HEAR ME PIMPIN' ♪

♪ YOU RARELY PIMPIN',

YOU HARDLY PIMPIN' ♪

♪ YOU BARELY PIMPIN',

YOU TINY PIMPIN' ♪

♪ 5'5" FROM THE WEST SIDE ♪

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR DA BRAT

IN THE MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.

YEAH, CHI TOWN!

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T SPINNING,

Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T WINNING ♪

♪ Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T

GETTING THAT BREAD ♪

WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU

GET HOME, KATT?

PLAY WITH ALL 15 OF THEM KIDS?

[LAUGHS]

I'M GONNA PLAY WITH

15 GIRLS FIRST.

THEN I'M GONNA PLAY

WITH THE 15 KIDS,

BUT WHAT I AIN'T GONNA DO

IS DRIVE ANYWHERE.

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA WALK FAST.

[ LAUGHS ]

I JUST WANT TO COOK MY OWN

MEAL FOR MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, NOTHING FANCY.

JUST SOMETHING I CAN EAT.

YEAH.

I'M GONNA SLEEP

LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

LUENELL, WHAT YOU GONNA DO, HMM?

LUENELL?

OOH, JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER.

COME ON, SUGAR.

YEAH.

OH, HEY, BABY.

HOW YOU DOING?

TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

COME ON, PARTNER.

HMM, LUENELL?

AWW.

♪ IT'S AMERICAN HUSTLE ♪

♪ NIGGAS STAY ALIVE ♪

♪ WE DON'T EVER DIE ♪

♪ WE JUST MULTIPLY ♪

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ EXHALES ]

YES. YES.

YES! YES!

THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

-OH.

-YOU FEELING ME?

HELL, YEAH.

HELL, YEAH, I'M FEELING YOU.

THAT SHIT WAS TIGHT,

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YES.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT, MAN.

DID I MAKE MY POINT?

HEY, YOU MADE EVERY POINT

IN THE BOOK.

-IT WAS BETTER THAN 1.

-WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE JOKE?

MAN, THE FAVORITE --

MY FAVORITE JOKE, ME?

-YEAH.

-THE ONE WHERE YOU WAS --

WHERE YOU WAS, LIKE, WHITE --

WHEN YOU'RE SAYING

WHITE PEOPLE WAS CRAZY.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND BLACK PEOPLE WAS CRAZY, TOO.

THAT WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE

CRAZY.

THAT SHIT WAS --

BELIEVE, I KNOW IT.

-JEREMY PIVEN?

-JEREMY PIVEN.

HIS SET WAS -- HIS --

[STAMMERS]

UM, HIS SET WAS CRAZY.

IT WAS FUNNY AS HELL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I KNOW HE WENT BEFORE YOU,

BUT HIS SET WAS GOOD, TOO.

ALL THE WAY, I ENJOYED IT.

IT WAS GOOD.

YOU WENT TO SLEEP.

OKAY, I WAS RESTING MY EYES

FOR A MINUTE.

YOU WERE RESTING YOUR EYES

FOR A MINUTE.

YOU AWAKE NOW?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST WATCH THE MOVIE AGAIN

'CAUSE THERE'S SOME PARTS

I'M NOT CLEAR ON.

WE AIN'T GOT TO --

WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

WE DON'T GOT TO --

WE DON'T HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN.

PLEASE, DON'T DO THAT.

YOU GETTING REAL HOLLYWOOD,

YOU KNOW THAT?

COME ON, MAN.

NO, YOU'VE ALWAYS

BEEN LIKE THIS.

-OKAY, HERE WE GO.

-CHICAGO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING

MIND RIGHT.

HEY, YO, KATT.

KICK THIS SHIT OFF NOW.

PUT SOME PIMPIN' ON IT NOW.

COME ON.

♪ I GUESS YOU CAN KIND

OF TELL BY THE WAY ♪

♪ MY NECKLACE BLINDIN'

THAT WE AIN'T PLAY PIMPIN' ♪

♪ AIN'T RECKLESS

ABOUT OUR GRINDIN' ♪

♪ CAN'T STOP THE TRUCK,

SO WHAT THE FUCK ♪

♪ SLOW DOWN, YOU CLIMB IN ♪

♪ RIDING AROUND WITH MY HEAD

LAID DOWN AND -- ♪

WHOO!

♪ YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND

CAN HIT ME ON MY SIDEKICK ♪

♪ DADDY NEEDS HIS MONEY, BABY,

Y'ALL GO OUT AND FIND IT ♪

♪ THEM NIGGAS PHONE PIMPIN',

THIS HERE IS GROWN PIMPIN' ♪

♪ ALL ALONE AND I'M

IN THE ZONE 'CAUSE THIS

IS ON-MY-OWN PIMPIN' ♪

♪ POCKET FULL OF MEAN GREEN,

HAIR SMELL LIKE PANTENE ♪

♪ CRYSTALLINE IN MY

NEW JEANS ♪

♪ ALWAYS KEEP MY HANDS CLEAN,

LADIES CALL ME SHO 'NUFF ♪

♪ NIGGAS CALL ME SHO' DOUGH ♪

♪ IT DON'T MATTER

WHAT THEY SAY ♪

♪ THEY'LL NEVER CALL ME

BROKE HO ♪

♪ I MAKE THAT FUNNY MONEY,

LAUGH, LIVE, AND LOVE MONEY ♪

♪ THAT PIMPIN' THUG MONEY,

DOUBLE IT UP LIKE DRUG MONEY ♪

♪ YOU WORK FOR PUSSY PIMPIN',

I WORK FOR... ♪

CHICAGO! EVERYBODY, GET ON YOUR

MOTHERFUCKING FEET!

LET'S GROOVE, Y'ALL!

COME ON.

♪ GET YOUR MIND RIGHT,

GET YOUR MIND RIGHT ♪

♪ GET YOUR MIND RIGHT,

GET YOUR MIND RIGHT ♪

NO, NO.

NO, CAPTAIN, NO.

PLEASE, DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY

FROM ME.

THIS IS MY BUST.

I WAS WORKING ON

GETTING THE EVIDENCE

WHEN YOU FIRST CALLED ME.

I'M ON MY WAY THERE.

I'LL BE THERE.

WHY DID I HAVE THIS IN MY EAR?

THIS IS NOT A PHONE.

IT'S A WALKIE-TALKIE.

COME ON, SIT UP.

NOW, STAY, STAY.

DON'T TALK TO LUENELL

LIKE THAT.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-GIVE ME A TREAT.

GIVE LUENELL A TREAT.

I NEED A MOTHERFUCKING TREAT

IF YOU WANT ME TO SIT UP.

OKAY.

-IF ALLEN IVERSON...

-[ LAUGHS ]

LISTEN TO ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ YOU JUST A SMALL FRY ♪

♪ NIGGA, I'M THE BIG MAC ♪

I'M STUCK.

One more time.

Lean a little bit closer to

the camera and say that again.

NO, BUT FOR REAL.

I'M STUCK.

[ LAUGHS ]

NO, FOR REAL THOUGH.

I'M STUCK.

KATT!

MEN OF SPARTA!

[COUGHS]

[ LAUGHTER ]

Just keep going, Katt.

YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER,

SHE LIVE IN INGLEWOOD.

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF HER,

AND SHE IN THE CAR

AND YOUR ARM COME THROUGH.

SHE ALMOST BIT YOU.

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A CARJACKING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Open that up and clap it, Katt.

Open the whole thing up

and clap it.

ALL RIGHT, RIGHT THERE IS GOOD?

AND...

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE --

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ HUSTLIN', HUSTLE -- HUSTLIN'

HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M --

EVERY DAY I'M -- ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M --

EVERY DAY I'M -- ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK

YOU'RE FUCKING WITH? ♪

♪ I'M THE FUCKING BOSS ♪

LONG, HAIRY CRAYON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT PINK THING

AIN'T COMING OUT, IS IT?

-LIPSTICK DICK.

-LIPSTICK.

THEY SAYING YOU GOT

A DING-A-LING CLIT.

-OLD CRAYOLA DICK.

-A DING-A-LING CLIT.

-OH, PLEASE NO.

-A DING-A-LING CLIT?

I WANT TO SUCK

YOUR VAGINA PENIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'VE ALSO SEEN HIM

IN THE MOVIE

WITH EDDIE MURPHY CALLED

NORBIT.

YOU'VE ALSO SEEN HIM IN HIS OWN

HBO SPECIAL, PIMP CHRONICLES 1.

-[ CHEERS ]

-AND TONIGHT, HERE TO DO

THE PIMP CHRONICLES 2,

CO-STARRING KATT WILLIAMS.

-MIKE EPPS!

-HA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL WHISPER IN HIS EAR.

I'M NOT GONNA IMPLY THAT I'M

SUCKING A DOG DICK THOUGH.

WELL, JUST WHISPER IN HIS EAR

THAT YOU MIGHT SUCK HIS DICK.

WELL, I MIGHT TALK LIKE I'MA

SUCK HIS DICK,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA COME UP --

-WELL, DO IT IN HIS EAR.

-I ALREADY KISSED AN OLD MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK?

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M --

EVERY DAY I'M -- ♪

♪ WE NEVER STEAL CARS,

BUT WE DEAL HARD ♪

♪ WHIP IT REAL HARD, WHIP IT ♪

ARE WE THERE YET?

YEP, WE HAVE ARRIVED AT...

THE END.