Kathleen Madigan: Madigan Again (2013) - full transcript

- As our friend
Jeff harmon says,

you know a city's great when it
welcomes you with a fist...

A big, black fist.

- It's right in your face.
No explanation.

Just... "Guess what.

"Somebody, while you're here,

"may or may not
punch you in the face,

"and this is what
the fist will look like

when it comes
to your face."

- Yeah, it's Joe Louis'.

Look it up.



- Bye.

White castle.

I need to get
a little drink of beer

before I do this, maybe two.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
my good friend

and someone who is probably
the funniest person I know.

Please give a good, loud,
warm Detroit welcome

to Kathleen Madigan.

- Wow.
Thank you.

Thank you guys so much.

And how about one big hand

for a guy working for $500
tonight...

Mr. Lewis black?

Thank you guys so much
for coming out,



and this took me 25 years
to have enough say-so to...

"Well, where do you want
to tape your special?"

"Well, you have to go here.
You have to go there."

And now, finally,
I'm old enough where I go,

"no, no. We're gonna go
where I want to go."

And they go,
"where do you want to go?"

I said, "I want to
go to Detroit."

And they said, "why?"

I said, "two reasons.

"I'm not sure
I'm fond of all of you,

"and I know that in Detroit,
at any given moment,

"something weird and bad
could happen to all of you.

"And second of all,
the people of Detroit...

"perhaps for those of you who
haven't read a newspaper...

"are the most optimistic people.

"They're still there.

"Do you understand?

They are still there."

"60 minutes" has covered it.

"20/20" has covered it.

The "New York times"
has covered it,

and what is the conversation
at the dinner table?

"Well, something's gonna happen.
It's got to turn around.

"I mean, I don't know when,

"but I'm certainly
not leaving yet.

"I have hope.

"I mean, that kwame kilpatrick
was crazy, but you move on.

"You do, you move on...

And you find a better man."

I do love this city.

And, you know, I don't know
if this is progress,

but normally,
and this is my city included,

we're usually flip-flopped

in number one
and number two in murder.

It's usually Detroit
and then St. Louis,

which is why I feel
so close to you people.

I understand the element
that you live with,

that at any moment,
shit could get weird.

Just driving down the road.
You don't know.

Things could get weird, but
this year, no, no, no, no.

Number one, flint.

Yeah.

I'm like, "how?
How is that possible?

There's not even
any people there."

Are they just shooting people
that drive by and counting that?

Are they, like,
tricking people to flint?

"Free money!"

And then they shoot them and go,
"there's another one.

We're so gonna win
this year."

And I don't think it's fair

that Detroit dropped
to number three

just because
you've actually shot everyone.

Just because you did a good job

doesn't mean you should lose
gold ranking.

Because there's
lovely parts of Detroit.

Here, this whole area.

People don't know that, though.

They only know
what you see on the news.

You know, like, "are you
afraid to go to Detroit?"

No, I'm not afraid
to go to Detroit.

I'm not afraid of normal things.

It amazes me when...

My friend is a DVD distributor,

and he's like,
"you know what people love?

Horror movies, 'cause
teenagers...

They love to pay to be
frightened."

I go, "that's because
they have not lived long enough

to know that real life
will scare the shit out of you."

There is no reason
to go pay to be scared,

'cause at this age,
I could care less

if a vampire walked in my house.

I truly wouldn't
even blink in an eye.

But look at this mole.

Yeah, that scares me.

Look at that mole.

Yeah.

It's got ridges on it now.

It didn't three weeks ago,

but I don't have time
to go to a doctor,

so I just ask other comedians.

Like, "hey, does that look
fucked up to you?"

And they go, "no."
I go, "cool."

And then I go have another beer
and forget about it.

Yeah, really,
you're gonna pay to be scared?

I'll scare you.
Here's a letter from the IRS.

Do you want to open that now
or after you've eaten lunch

and you can vomit
your $8 lunch special?

I'm not afraid of a burglar.

I'm afraid of the mailman.

That's who I'm afraid of.

That son of a bitch

hasn't brought
anything good to my house

since I was ten.

That's the last time

I got a birthday card
with money in it.

That was it.
Ever since then, nothing.

But I do love the post office,

which is a bit of a dichotomy,

because I cannot
believe at this age,

I have friends that when they
raised the price of a stamp,

my friends will go insane.

Young people
in their 30s and 40s.

It's not old people on a budget.
30-year-olds.

"My god, they raised
the price of stamps.

"Jesus Christ,
this is highway robbery.

This federal government..."

Really?

It's 49 cents.

You're angry about that?

'Cause I feel
the exact opposite way.

I cannot believe, to this day,

that I can walk into a building

with a piece of paper in my hand

and look at
a full-grown adult and go,

"hey...

"49 cents...

Will you take this
to Alaska?"

They go, "yes, ma'am.
We'll have it there in two days.

Is there anything else
you'd like?"

"More stamps.
This is crazy."

And then the government's
cutting some of the post office.

That makes me sad,

'cause then there's
always that big argument.

Should the government pay
for programs like that or not?

I don't know.
I feel back and forth.

Pbs...
Mitt romney said cancel it.

No. That's "sesame street."
You can't do that.

But you could do pbs
better than it's being done.

I can tell you... I don't get it.

I know in hotels it's always
the channel that's on.

So, like, I'll come home
from a show.

Maybe I've had two
or four glasses of wine,

and maybe it's late,

and maybe I'm in
a sentimental mood,

and that's what pbs does.

They show sentimental concerts.

It's those three old people
sitting on a couch.

It's like they're talking
directly to you.

"Hey, Kathleen,
welcome home from the show.

Did you have a good time
tonight?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did.
I had a good time tonight."

"Would you like to hear

a little John Denver
this evening?"

Yes, I love John Denver."

I don't tell people that.

It sounds geeky,

and I'm still
really angry at him

for not putting enough gas
in his airplane.

I don't understand...

I don't understand
how you do that.

You're an American icon.

Check your gas Gauge.

All right, okay.

"But, yes, I'd like to hear
some John Denver."

"Would you like to hear John
Denver sing 'sunshine'?"

"Yeah.
I love 'sunshine.'"

and then, bam, they blast you
to red rocks.

There it is, Colorado,
red rocks, 1978.

There's John Denver singing it.

Sunshine on my shoulders
makes me...

And then he's gone,
and it's the old people again.

"Hey, Kathleen,
were you enjoying that song?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was."

"Would you like to hear John
sing the rest of 'sunshine'?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I would."

"Well, here's the thing.

"We are $84 short,

"and we got Peter, Paul,
and Mary coming up next,

"and I know you don't want

"'puff the magic dragon'
interrupted,

"so why don't you just go ahead

"and put $250 down
on your credit card

and enjoy your evening?"

You wonder about our government
spending money.

You wonder who makes these
decisions,

'cause Lewis and I
have gone to Iraq

and Afghanistan
over and over, and we...

Please, don't.

That's very kind
that you clapped.

Yeah.

I don't even say that for
applause,

'cause, really, I wouldn't go

if I remembered the number
and didn't pick up.

It's just I'm too catholic,
and I'm too guilty to say no.

I can't lie like that.

I'm a terrible liar.

They would know I was lying.

No, I just go.

But Afghanistan,
I mean, with the...

Unbelievable.
I don't even understand.

You get there, and you're like,
"what, what, what are we...

What are we going for here?"

'Cause they...

It's a horrible, horrible place.

It's freezing,
which you would never think,

because on the news,
when you see the Taliban guys,

they're always just in a sheet.

They don't have, like, a...

They don't wear a parka
and mittens and stuff.

It looks like fall,
and you wear your sheet wear,

and you run around and...

It looks like fall,
and I always thought

that's why I would be
a horrible terrorist,

because I'm already
prone to naps,

and if you put me in a sheet
all day, my god.

Forget it, I would never
leave the cave.

I would be
the worst terrorist ever.

I'd be like, "yeah, I know
everybody's really mad,

"but I'm just gonna
guard the cave

"while you guys go do that,

"and I'm gonna take a nice nap
in this thread count.

"Have you felt my thread count?

"And I have a pillow
conveniently located

on the top of my head."

It's freezing.

It's, like, ten degrees
in Afghanistan,

and there's sand flying
in your face at all times.

I don't care
what direction you look.

There's sand
flying in your face.

So, it doesn't even make sense.

In my midwest mind,
if sand's flying in my face,

I should be in a swimming suit,

holding a multicolored alcoholic
drink I forgot I loved,

where's I'm like...

"Rum! I love rum!

"I haven't had this
since I vomited in high school.

"I...

This is delicious."

It's just, it's freez...

'cause my brother goes,
"how bad was it?"

I go,
"here's how bad it was, pat.

"Here's what I want you to do.

"Go out into your garage.

"Take off all your clothes.

"Get into your walk-in freezer,

"and then, every 15 minutes,

I'm gonna come out there
and throw sand in your face."

Yeah.

They flew us around
in black hawk helicopters.

The doors are open.
People are shooting at you.

You can see the ground,

'cause that's how close
you are to the ground,

which is creepy,
and at one point, we...

And it's very loud.

You have these
headphone things on.

We flew over a bunch of camels
just running around,

and lew goes,
"are those wild?"

I said, "I don't know
what you mean by that,

"but I don't see
saddles on them,

"and I don't see
tiny monkey jockeys,

"and I don't see
a betting window,

"so I don't think we're
at a camel track.

Yes,
I think they're wild."

He goes, "where are we?"

It's like, "I don't know,
but from what I can see,

I'd say we've flown
to the Bible."

"And the old testament,
lew, the bad Bible,

"where shit's
on fire for no reason.

"God is a lunatic.

"'You're misbehaving.

"I'm throwing locusts
at your heads.'

bleh, bleh, bleh!

"Not the new testament, lew.

"Not the fun Bible,

"where there's
wine-and-cheese parties

and people are getting risen
from the dead."

"Hey, I'm back.
I'm back.

"I'm Lazarus.
I was dead an hour ago.

"I don't understand what's
happening. Where's the wine?

"I heard he's making wine
somewhere.

"That guy..."

"Love that guy."

That's how horrible it is,
and you go, "really?

This is what we're spending
our money on?"

And they go,
"Kathleen, you know,

"we hardly ever have
female entertainers.

"You should go down
to the female marine tent

and have
a little talk with them."

I said, "okay."
So, I go down there.

I go, "what do you ladies
do all day on the base?"

They go, "we go
into the local Taliban-run town

and speak to the women, the
locals, about women's rights."

I go, "really?"

I go, "do you speak afghani
or whatever it is?"

And they were like, "no."

I go,
"do they speak English?"

They were like, "no."

I said, "let me
get this straight.

"Our federal government
is paying for you

"to go into a Taliban-run town

and play
a game of charades..."

"With a lady dressed up
like a beekeeper..."

"And try to trick her
into leaving her husband,

"who thinks it's the year 11,
by the way,

and he liked that year."

That was a great year
if you were a dude... 11.

I just don't see that happening.

Call me a pessimist.

I just don't see that lady
whipping that burka off

and going, "that's it, Mohammed.
Seriously, I've had it.

I've had it."

"I'm leaving you.

"Seriously, as soon as this
country gets a road.

"I mean, we don't have
any roads yet,

"but as soon as those dumb-ass
Americans build us a road,

I am so
out of here with it."

And it's not just dumb-ass
Americans. No.

Everybody's involved in
Afghanistan.

It's a whole NATO thing,

'cause when you get on the base,

they tell you, first of all,

you're gonna be bunking
with some afghani soldiers.

"Really? I'm not totally
comfortable with that.

"There's some Canadians.

"Maybe we could switch them out,
'cause those are nice people,

"and they like beer,
and I can talk to them

"about Wayne gretzky
or something.

Why... why can't we
do a switch-a-rooni?"

They take you
on the tour of the base.

What's even more surprising
than the afghanis

is they go, "that's the
Canadian soldiers' tent.

"That's the French.

That's the Germans.
That's the Belgians."

I'm like, "- back up.

"Did you just say
the German soldiers' tent?

"When were they allowed
back in the game?

"I think there should've
been a vote.

"I don't understand
how they've snuck back in.

"Do you people not have
the history channel?

"They can't be trusted yet.

"Every 50 years,
they get together

"and have too many beers,

and things get weird worldwide,
not just in a bar."

They said, "well, no,
you know, that's the deal."

And you go to your tent,

and there's no alcohol
in this country.

That's the number-one reason
I would be angry

if I lived there.

The more I was around these
people in their homeland,

the more I understood
their anger

and their willingness
to blow themselves up.

There's no alcohol at all.

And it's not like,
ha, ha, sneaky, sneaky.

No. None.

Then, when you go to bed
in your bunk, and for...

Over loudspeakers,
every four hours

throughout the entire country,

so there's no escaping it,
you will hear this...

And then it turns into
"landslide."

And the landslide brought...

Okay, no, it doesn't,
but it did in my head.

I made it do that every night
in my head.

I've been afraid of...

My god.
My god.

And the first night,
I didn't know what it was,

and I jumped out of my bunk,
and I put my glasses on,

and lew's still sound asleep.

I'm like, "wake up.

"What's happening?
What is that man singing?

"What is...

"are we being attacked?

"I knew we shouldn't have left
our helmets in the Van.

"I didn't trust that man.

I wanted my helmet."

He goes,
"Kathleen, you're crazy.

"It's just their call to prayer.

Get back in your bunk
and be quiet."

I said, "sorry."

I go back to my bunk,
but I noticed

all the afghani soldiers did it.

Boom, as soon as
they heard that man,

they got their prayer mats out.

They jumped out,
and they all got down,

and they faced left.

It was... I don't know
what direction it was.

It was left to me.

In my world, that's a hard left
from my bunk, right?

I'd always do a left
'cause that's what I saw first.

But I thought, you know,

no wonder
these people are angry.

They have no alcohol,

and they've never slept
eight hours in a row.

I mean, are you kidding me?

This goes on every four hours?

But I couldn't believe
their obedience.

Think whatever you want to
think about their religion.

Look at their obedience.

I am catholic.

That whole program would last...

One night.
That would be it.

One night.

They would try it one night,

and then
the excuses would start,

and that would be
my favorite part.

"Well, here's the thing.

"I had a mat, and I loaned it
to my brother Bob,

"and let me tell you what.

"That son of a bitch
doesn't return a thing.

"I loaned him a lawn mower
back in 1978,

"and I still haven't seen it.

"Haven't gotten any overtime

"and can't afford
a new prayer mat.

"You can't... it's not right
to do it without the mat,

so I'm just gonna sit
this one out for a decade."

Wow, this is the whole...
This is the whole war.

This is what we're doing,

and we didn't even spend
the money, 'cause they go,

"if you're gonna
take a shower here,

"in the shower building,
you might want to wear

"your tennis shoes
and extra socks,

'cause if you'll notice,
this is all Russian equipment."

It's from the '70s.
We didn't bring new stuff.

The Russian stuff
is still there.

I'm like, did we learn nothing?
Really?

The Russians,
the toughest people on earth,

people who tricked Hitler
into a snowstorm

were freaked out
by these people.

These people in the middle
of the night went,

"holy crap, they're crazy,"

and ran home like girls
and left everything.

They left tanks.
They left barracks.

They left apartments.

They're like,
"here's the keys, man.

"You want to give it a whirl?

"Seriously, we are
sneaking out at midnight.

This is insane."

And they told us,
"if you're gonna take a shower,

"wear your socks and shoes,

"because,
we don't publicize this,

but we've had quite a few cases
of electrocution."

I was like, "well, I'm out.
I'm done showering.

"You think I'm gonna
trust my life to socks

"and a pair of pumas I bought
at marshalls for $57?

"These aren't even
running shoes, you moron.

"They're just cute.
They're accent shoes.

I'm not gonna
trust my life..."

It's horrible.

I didn't shower for, like,
I don't know, 13, 14 days.

I know, it's gross.

It's even gross to admit,
but I'm admitting it.

Then they drop you off
in the D.C. airport,

and you're on your own
to get yourself home.

Fine. I need to go to
St. Louis for Christmas.

I go to the airport bar
at 6:00 A.M.

I still haven't showered.

There's nowhere to shower.

I have glasses on, no makeup.

My hair is in a baseball hat

that they've given me
that says "uso."

It's a free, just, hat.

I go in the bar.
There's one guy.

He's about 70,
and he's hammered.

I thought, good for you, sir.

I don't even know how this
happens or why it happened,

but it's 6:00 A.M. in D.C.,

and you're at the airport,
hammered.

I don't even know what
the story is, but I'm a fan.

I like it. I wish
I had that kind of time.

Hey, you want to go get drunk?
Hey, let's have some fun.

Let's go to the airport
and not have to fly anywhere.

That'll be stress-free and fun,
for once.

So...

I don't want to talk to him,
though.

I don't want to talk to anybody.

I just... I'm tired,
I'm crabby, I'm filthy.

I just want to eat
American breakfast

and speak to no one
and get on my plane,

and I look down, and I hear
from the other end of the bar...

This is all I hear...

And I kept looking down,

and I thought, wow, that's
the greatest pickup line...

Ever.

You can't not look
at that person,

after that person just did that.

Now, I don't know if you're
a bear and I didn't look right.

Or are you a pirate?

What is happening?

You can't not look up.

So I look up, and he goes...

"I see your hat, honey.

"It says 'uso.'

are you,
are you with them?"

I said, "I don't know what
you mean 'with them,' sir.

"I just,
I just went to Afghanistan

and did some shows
for the troops."

He goes, "you did some shows?

"What are you...

"What are you, like,
a showgirl or a stripper?"

I was pissed for,
like, half a second,

and then I was like,
"I should marry this guy."

Are you serious?

"I have head lice
right now, sir.

"My hat's moving.

"My hat's moving on its own,

"and somehow,
you look through all this,

"and you see showgirl,
stripper, cleaner-upper.

You can see..."

Wow.

I did go home.

I went home to St. Louis
for Christmas,

and I walked
into my parent's house,

which I hadn't been into
in about,

I don't know, six months,
and unbeknownst to me,

they changed
all the light bulbs in the house

into those energy-saving
light bulbs.

So, when I walked in,

as if I haven't had enough
weird lighting in Afghanistan,

they're sitting in this weird,
dim, hazy lighting,

and I'm like, "hey.
What's going on, guys?

We,
we having a seance?"

My dad goes,
"no, no, we're not, Kathleen.

"Your mother thought it would be
a good idea at our age,

"when our eyesight is failing...

To make the house as dimly lit
as possible, Kathleen..."

"Because she's upset
because al Gore's upset

"because
there's no more polar bears.

"Well, you know what?

"I'm 69 years old.

"I live in Missouri.

"I've never seen a polar bear.

"I don't care
if I ever see a polar bear.

"What I'd like to see
is the coffee table.

That's what
I'd like to see."

Then that starts
the side argument.

"It's not because of
al Gore, Jack.

"They just don't make
the regular light bulbs anymore.

"I can't find the regular
light bulbs.

"When did they stop
making regular light bulbs,

"and why weren't we notified in
the mail by the government?

"I mean, we're only gonna
live ten more years.

"I could have
bought enough light bulbs

"for the rest of our lives.

"I would have bought extra

"and sold them
out of the back of the truck

"to other old people
who didn't know.

I could've
jacked the price up."

My god.

They're up all the time.

It doesn't matter
what time you call the house.

One of them is up.

Yeah, it could be 2:00
in the afternoon,

3:00 in the morning,
5:00 A.M., 11:00.

Hello?

Yeah, they're up.

They call me from weird places.

It's 6:00 A.M. where I am.

It's 5:00 A.M.
where they are.

"Hello?"

"What are you doing?"

"More importantly,
what are you doing, mom?"

"Well, we're at
home depot's parking lot.

"We...

"We thought they opened at 6:00.
They don't.

"They...

"So we're just going to
sit here for an hour

and look at the other old people
that were confused by the ad."

I said, "mom, why aren't you
sleeping anymore?"

"Well, don't
tell your father this,

"'cause he'll be embarrassed,
but now we're afraid

"we're gonna die in our sleep,

"so we've decided
we'll just stay up,

"and one of us will be up,
and then we'll nap,

"'cause you never hear of
somebody dying

"while they were napping.

"You don't hear,
'he died in his nap.'

"you hear,
'they died in their sleep,'

"but if we both fall asleep,

"we won't know
the other one's dead,

and that's
how things get out of hand."

"Okay.

Okay.

Okay, mom."

I went to target with her.

My mom was a nurse for 30 years.

She's retired.

I said, out of nowhere,
while we're pushing a cart,

"god, I have
a splitting sinus headache."

She goes, "here," and roots
through her giant purse

and goes, "take this."

And I took it, and about
a second later, I hear, ""

I said, "what... what
was that all about?"

She goes,
"you swallow that?"

"Yep. Sure did.
Swallowed it."

"What color was it?"

"I don't know, mom.
I don't know.

I didn't look
at what color it was."

"Kathleen, why didn't you look
at what color the pill was?"

"Why? Why?

'Cause you're not somebody
I met at a party."

"You're my mom.

"You were a nurse for 30 years.

"I bought the whole story.
I did.

"I trusted you.
I ate it blind.

I just ate it blind."

I said, "well,
if you had to guess,

what kind of pill
do you think I ate?"

She said, "well, I don't know.
It's hard to tell.

"It came out of the blue,
unmarked bottle

"that your father and I call
the 'all-stars,'

and..."

"It could be anything
from pain medication

to blood-pressure pills,
Kathleen."

I said, "what if it's
his blood-pressure medication?"

She said,
"you're gonna pass out,

"and that's why
we should abandon our carts

"and leave this target
immediately,

"because I can't drag you out
of here with this bad knee.

"That knee replacement
did not work.

"I don't care what he says.

"It didn't work.

"And you're not gonna want me
to drive home, Kathleen,

"'cause it takes forever,

because I don't make
left turns anymore."

Really?

Wow.

Now I don't even care
what kind of pill I ate.

Now I just want to understand

why she doesn't
make left turns anymore.

I was like, what?

"It's not always lefts.

"It's anything
into oncoming traffic

"where you have to cross lanes
to get to your lanes.

"U.p.s. Doesn't allow
their drivers to do it,

"and they save millions
of dollars.

"Your father and I are retired.
We have that kind of time.

"You drive to the next light,

"and you cautiously
make a u-turn, Kathleen.

That's what you do."

They are starting
to do crazy things.

About, I don't know,
four days later,

I went back into her purse

to get a little something else
out of that all-star bottle...

Which turned out to be
delicious,

and I thought I had one
of my nephew's guns in my...

And it was like a toy,
but it was kind of heavy,

and I was like, ""

she goes,
"careful. That's loaded."

I go, "really, mom?

You just walk around with a
loaded pistol all the time now?"

"Yeah."

I go, "really? Why?"

And without missing a beat,
she goes, "rape."

"Really?"

I go, "wait a minute, mom.
Wait a minute.

"You mean you think
you're gonna get raped,

"or do you mean

"you think we're gonna stumble
upon a rape in progress

"and then shoot the rapist
and become CNN heroes

and get to meet
Anderson Cooper?"

"Because at 70, mom,
I'm not saying

"you're still not
as cute as the devil,

"'cause you are,
but I think you've slipped

"out of the, 'holy crap,

I got to rape that lady
right now' category."

"I think you've dropped down
into 'i think I might steal

"that lady's Cadillac
at walgreen's

"'cause she leaves the keys
on the pharmacy counter

"for at least 37 minutes
every time she shops,

"then she goes out

"and can't remember
where she parked the car.

Still doesn't know
if she has the keys.'"

it is cool to so see
your parents get older, though,

and not care anymore.

'Cause there are seven kids
in my family.

They were as strict
as you could be,

but now they're grandparents.

My one brother's got three boys.

They're four, two, and nothing,
whatever you call that.

I don't know.
He's new.

And my parents volunteered to
babysit for three days

while him and his wife
went away.

I said, "I'll come down
and help you for a couple days.

I'm off in the middle.
Sure, I'll help."

And my dad, very patient.

My mom,
still not even to this day.

She told the older one,
"Patrick,

I need you to put
the iPad down."

He goes, "no."

Wow!

Look at the guts on him.

She told me to eat a pill,
and I just did it.

At this age,
like, I don't even...

I don't even... no!

I didn't even look
at what color it was.

That's how obedient I am.

Wow, look at this guy.

Look at this guy.

Four. "No."

She said, "Patrick,
I'm not kidding.

I said,
put the iPad down."

He goes, "no," and he shut
the door right in her...

Right at her.

My mom unravels.

"Jack, Jack.
Did you see what he did?

Did you see what that little
son of a bitch just did?"

"Vicky, Vicky, you are 70.
He is four.

"Get a handle on yourself.
Get a handle on yourself.

"We can't re-parent
these people in three days.

"I don't care what goes on here.

"It's our job
to get out alive, okay?

I don't..."

"I don't care if he eats
the iPad. I don't.

"We'll buy another iPad.
That's what we'll do.

"All I know is,
two hours before they get home,

"we're gonna shower
the three of them,

"put them on the couch,
and go, 'they were lovely,'

"and then we're going
to the casino.

"That's how this is gonna end.

That's how this is
gonna end."

Yeah, they've gotten
more liberal

the older they've gotten,
which is weird,

'cause usually
parents go the other way.

Like, the very first Obama
election, I wanted Hillary.

My parents are old-school
democrats,

but my dad does not
like the Clintons.

He hates the Clintons
'cause of nafta.

He is never
gonna get over nafta.

"How could you think
about supporting that woman?

She was with him the whole way
on nafta, the whole way."

And if you'd like to know
exactly what's wrong with nafta

and the problems
that it has caused this country,

you can call 573...

348, blah, blah, blah, blah,

ask for Jack, and you will get
a two-hour dissertation

on why exactly this country
is falling apart.

They wanted Obama.

I just never...

I voted for Obama, but I never...

I always thought,
I think he thinks

we're a little bit more
of a team than we are.

Like, here's the thing, sir.

We get you elected,
and then you do shit,

and then you tell us about it.

That's how I thought
this was gonna roll.

No, not with Obama.

See, he's on the TV
all the time.

"America, I'm going to need
your help on this."

Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir,
we are busy, okay?

"Shark week" is on.

I don't know
if you're familiar with that.

That's not something you tape.

You got to watch that live.

It always sucks on tape.

"Doomsday preppers,"

I have eight episodes
I have yet to watch.

I don't even watch reality,

but if you have
never seen that show,

I think it's the craziest
you could be.

They are preparing for the end
of the world, these people.

They all think
it's something different...

A dirty bomb, the government's
gonna take over,

or they have cra... all
these ideas

of how the world's gonna end,

but they've prepared
differently.

They have bunkers.
They have medicine for life.

But what's even more bizarre
than what they're doing is,

every single one of them
is married.

Wow. Really?

I have normal, nice friends
that can't get a date,

and you, you...

and get a hit back?

That's all I want to know.

How do you just toss that out
there like it's normal?

"Hobbies...

Preparing for the end
of the world."

But you can't
throw something else in.

"Tennis."
I mean, what? No.

And then somebody hit you back.

"OMG, me too.
Meet me at costco.

"Lots of things to buy.
Can't wait.

"This is gonna get weird.

"Waiting for shit to get weird.

Waiting for shit to
get weird."

Obama, he's always reaching out.

God love him.

"America, if you agree with me

"on how to solve
this financial crisis,

"I'm gonna need you to email

your congressman and
representatives."

I'm like, "well, then,
I'm gonna need you

to email me who they are."

Because unless
they're hosting "shark week"

or preparing for the end
of the world,

I am probably not familiar
with their work,

'cause the ticket
didn't say, "Obama, Madigan."

The ticket said,
"Obama, biden."

So, if you need some help,
I suggest you get

that smiling irishman you hired
out of a bar...

Who is my favorite person
on the planet, by the way,

'cause there's a reason
he's always smiling,

'cause he was smart enough
to go for vice president.

Yes, all the alcohol,
none of the problems.

That is the job you go for
if you have...

What do you want to be
number one for?

Bleh, bleh, bleh,
bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh.

Bring... cut your ego down
a level.

There's nothing wrong
with air force two.

Same plane, different number.

Same plane.

Yes, yes, and you don't even
have to answer anything.

"What do you think
about the finan...?"

"I don't know. I don't really
want to talk about it.

"The ice in my Margarita
is melting, though,

"and I have to go to a funeral
in Turkey

"of a person I've never heard
of, and I got to act sad,

"so I'm gonna need
a few more drinks,

and I'll talk to you guys
later."

Obama, I really think...

He starts out on such a high
intellectual level sometimes.

I saw him two months ago on TV.
He just gave a random speech.

He goes, "America,
I'm here to update you

about fannie Mae
and Freddie Mac."

Really? It's gonna
start right there?

Well, I'm here
to update you, sir.

That's funny.
I have an update too.

Up until six months ago,

I thought fannie Mae
was a candy factory in Chicago.

Thank you.

And I couldn't understand
why a candy factory

was allowed to
hand out home loans,

and then I really
couldn't understand

who thought to go there.

Like, that's brilliant.

Like, "well, hey,
the bank said no.

"Why don't we go down
to the candy factory

"and see if they'll...?

They seem to be doing well."

And... and I thought Freddie Mac
was a candy bar

that they made
I hadn't yet tasted,

and I thought, "I'm gonna
look for that at the airport,

and I hope
it has caramel in it."

'Cause they speak
about these things

as if we're all updated.

The deficit... they say that

as if it's a real,
tangible number.

"The deficit is 3 trillion...
7,804.

Now is the time
to get concerned."

Really? Now?

Why? Why now?

You're in charge.
You didn't panic at 2 trillion.

I think you're bullshitting.

I don't believe you.
I don't believe you.

I don't believe you.

And I can't even fathom
$1 trillion.

None of us can.
I mean, we can't. You can't.

It's not a tangible thing.

I would be more frightened
and motivated to action

if I saw one of those...

One of the important politicians
come on TV and go,

"the deficit
is mashed potatoes."

What?

Wait a minute.
What did he say?

What is he implying?

Are we running out
of mashed potatoes?

That's ridiculous.

That's my favorite thing
in the whole world.

If that is true,

then someone get Idaho
on the phone right now

and go, "hello, you were
in charge of two things...

"crazy militias and potatoes,

and if you can't keep that
together anymore..."

I don't even understand
the difference

between the deficit
and the debt,

and my brother's
a financial advisor,

and he's younger than me,
and he knows how to speak,

like, you know,
down to my level.

And I said,
"pat, in an easy way,

"explain to me,
what is the difference

between the deficit
and the debt."

He goes, "okay, I will.
Just pay attention."

And he started talking, and I
don't know how far in it was.

I would say...

I would say probably
the 40-second Mark,

I drifted out a lot, right?

But he didn't catch me

until about the 90-second Mark,
and he's like,

"are you even paying attention
anymore?"

I go, "no, but I got to tell you
what I have been doing.

"I heard about this,
and now I'm doing it,

"and you have to do it at work,

"'cause it'll make you smile
and laugh so hard.

"If you go to Google
and type in 'Batman cat'

"and then hit 'images,' my god.

"It's the funniest thing
I ever seen. It's real, pat.

"It's not a joke.
It's a real cat.

"It's a long-haired
black and white,

"and they combed his hair,

"and it looks
like the Batman mask.

"And, yeah, I mean,
they're holding him up,

"but that's not cheating.

"I mean, they're just holding
him, and if...

"I don't know if it's for sale.

"Like, I don't even want a cat,
but I want that cat,

so every morning I'd wake up,
he'd be on my chest."

"I'm Batman."
"Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"

"I would never not have a happy
day if I owned that cat."

He's like,
"Kathleen, I'm at work."

"Yeah, whatever.
I got to go. I got to go."

Yeah, but that's what
we're doing all day, Obama.

I don't have time to help you.

The Batman cat...

Is trying to get
some popularity going,

and, you know, I wish...

Like, I try to pay attention.

It's also just too difficult.

I mean, you know,
a long time ago it wasn't hard.

There was the morning newspaper
and then the evening news,

and the evening news
wasn't a joke.

No, they didn't talk

about the Kardashians
or Paris Hilton.

It was just some old,
mean white man

who'd come out smoking
a cigarette, always very angry.

"Hello.

"Welcome to
the 'nightly news.'

"tonight we're gonna talk
about Korea,

"and if you don't know where
Korea is, get a goddamn map,

you unpatriotic
son of a bitch."

And you're like, "my god!

"My god, where's Korea?

"Hurry up.
Find out.

"He's gonna know we don't know.

My god,
I'm petrified of this person."

Yeah, now there's
a million news channels.

There's a million websites.

"here's Obama's health care
plan."

Boom, it's right there.
1,087 pages.

Okay.

And then right next to that,
there's a video.

It's 2:17 long,

and it says, "baby owls
live in teacups."

Hello.

Yeah, I realized
I've never seen a baby owl,

and I don't know why,
and I want to see it.

And why is it in a teacup?

And why is this crazy old lady
allowed to do this?

And why isn't peta over there,
beating the crap out of her?

There are so many questions
I have about this video.

I'm interested.

It's too hard.
There's too much information.

Facebook, Twitter.
Dear god, when does it stop?

I don't do Facebook as much,
'cause people...

You can type as much as you
want, and that's the problem.

People don't know
when to shut up.

It's like diarrhea
of the fingers.

Like, somebody...
Like, a mob person

should come in with a hammer

and just break
their fingers and go,

"you're done.
You're done."

"Well, I had a bagel
this morning.

"I thought about
having a doughnut,

"but Dr. Oz says
they're really the same thing.

"It depends on what you put
on top of the bagel.

"I like that thick cream cheese.

"Sometimes I've seen people
put salmon on top of a bagel.

"I find that so perplexing.
I'm from Wisconsin.

"I can't imagine just slapping
a walleye right on my thing.

Maybe it's a Jewish thing."
Dah, dah-dah, dah!

My god, no, no.

That's why I like Twitter.

It's 140 characters,
and then they kick you off.

You don't have to approve
people. You can follow me.

Yeah, there's all kinds of...
It's like a mobile baby Jesus.

People just sign up,
follow me all through town.

Great. Fine. 140 characters,
that's all you get.

And I actually got in an
argument with Lewis, my friend,

'cause he goes,
"that's terrible.

"Is that what society's
come down to?

140 characters,
that's all your thought can be?"

Yeah, lew.

Yeah, and I think it's
wonderful,

and I think
if you think about it,

if anything was really important
throughout history,

it could've been said
in 140 characters or less.

If they had Twitter whenever,

"look, here's a tweet.

"'The British are coming.
The British are coming.'

"there you go.

Do you need to know anything
more? No, you don't.

You don't need to know
anything more than that.

"Heads up, Nagasaki.

"Not kidding
a second time either.

#hopeyouhaveahat.
Things are gonna get weird."

Yeah, I'm just saying,
warnings, things like that.

Mitt romney said,
after many, many months,

many, many months of thinking
about why he lost the election...

And you can Google this...
He said he realized

that it was mainly 'cause
he didn't tweet enough.

Really?

That's what you're gonna
tell yourself

before you go to sleep at night?

That you were just
one tweet away from winning?

It's amazing how people
can fool themselves.

I didn't vote for mitt romney.

It had nothing to do
with politics.

I didn't vote for mitt romney.

I will never vote for
mitt romney because he said,

and I know
he's telling the truth

'cause they would have
proved differently,

the press would have,
and he's a devout mormon,

so I completely believe him,

that at age 65, in his life,

he had never had a drink,
a drug,

a cigarette, or a cigar, ever.

As an Irish catholic,

that sentence couldn't
even go in my head.

Error, error, error.

Invalid information.
Invalid information.

Rephrase question.
Rephrase question.

Check Gauge. Check Gauge.
Check Gauge.

So I said to my brother,
"think about it, pat.

"The only people that we know

that can truly say that
are babies."

"And that's just because
they don't know yet.

"Yes, they like juice,

"but they haven't
had a bud light.

They don't know."

And I judged him for that,

and that's not fair
to that man, but I did.

I did, I judged him,
because to me,

a glass of wine or a cigarette

or maybe a Lunesta...

One of my favorites.

If you've never taken a Lunesta,

but you've seen the commercial,

I'm here to let you in
on a little secret.

That neon butterfly is real.

Yeah.

Wow!

Green, pink.
They're beautiful.

But those are the ways a normal
adult relieves stress, to me...

With a cigar, maybe some pot,
whatever it is you do.

And if you don't do any of
those, any of them,

my mind goes to
an alarm state, where I go,

"alien, alien.

I think you're sleeping
with a goat."

That's how weird it is to me.

That's not fair to mitt romney.

I don't smoke pot.

I never cared for it,

but I'm very happy
for my pot friends that use.

This year, finally, in
government something did change.

A little bit of pot became legal
in certain cities.

Yeah, because I have plenty
of pothead friends,

and they're very nice people.

They don't
do anything bad at all.

They don't really do
anything at all.

Like, they're just
low-key people.

They don't bother anybody.
They're not a pain in my ass.

My drinking friends,
yeah, they're a pain in my ass.

I don't get calls
from my pothead friends

at 3:00 in the morning,

"can you come get me?
I'm in jail.

"I'm so dead.
I hit a lake.

"When did they put a lake
on highway 40?

"That's ridiculous.

"There was no lake there,
seriously.

You got to bring 10 grand.
Can you do that?" What?

It was always the argument
against pot

that I always found so...

It was just so fantastical.

People would go so crazy.

"You cannot legalize marijuana.

"It is a gateway drug,
for Christ's sake.

"It is a gateway drug.

"If you legalize marijuana,
the next thing you know,

"after a person smokes pot,
they will be shooting heroin

"in a crack house in Cleveland

with a dog named banjo
they didn't purchase."

What? What?

That's crazy.

And it's a bad premise.

Not everything's a gateway.

That's where
your premise is bad.

Okay, when you were five
and you stole a candy bar

and you ate it,
and it was delicious,

was your next thought,
"you know what?

I'm gonna kill a drifter"?

No. No.

I've smoked cigarettes
a lot of my life.

I finally quit.
I didn't want to quit.

People who have never been
addicted to anything

never truly get it.

Like, "my god, you quit smoking.

Do you feel better?"

No. No.

I'd love to shove your face
through glass

just for saying that

and then smoke whatever's left
on the other side.

That's how irritable
I am right now

about the fact that I
can't smoke a cigarette.

I'm just not that healthy
of a person.

I joined a gym, and then
my gym closed,

and then I had to go join
another gym.

That's a pain in the ass,

'cause you can't
just pay and go in.

You have to have a meeting

and a consultation
with somebody.

"Really?
I don't want to."

"Well, you have to, Kathleen.

You have to meet
with Cindy."

"Okay, great."

Cindy is 21.

Cindy is in shape.

Cindy is happy to be alive.

Everything is going great
in Cindy's world.

Happiest thing ever,
but her voice is so high.

The tone and the pitch...

When she spoke, all I heard
was a yorkie barking.

I swear to god.
Like, that's all I heard.

"Ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff. Hi.
Welcome to the gym.

"Ruff-ruff.
Fill out this form.

Ruff-ruff-arrr-arrr,
rrrr!"

It's like, "really?
I got to speak to this lady?

Like, I have money.
Can't I just go in?"

"No."

"Okay, Kathleen, before you can
get in and everything,

okay, we have to write down
some of your goals."

"Cindy, Cindy,
I don't have any goals here.

"Maybe that's weird,
but I don't have any goals.

"I'm not here
for offense, Cindy.

"I'm here for defense.
There's a big difference.

"I am here to try and pull
a fourth-quarter hail Mary pass

"out of my ass
before things get weird.

"Now...

"I don't know
if that's possible,

"but I'm willing to pay
$62 a month

to not come here
and find out."

"But, Kathleen, but, Kathleen,
that's so sad.

Ruff-ruff-ruff.
Arrrrrrrrr."

"No, it's not sad.
It's just..."

"Well, I have to put
something on the form,

or I'm going to
get in trouble."

"Okay, here's my goal.

"Ready? Ready?
Here's my goal.

"I am here to delay
the date and severity

of my impending stroke."

"It's so sad you don't see
the gym as a fun place."

"Well, I don't, Cindy,
and I think, at my age,

"I think
I know what's fun to me,

"and I think I know
what's not fun to me.

"A bar is fun to me.

"Trust me, year after year,
I reprove it and reprove it.

"I really have
a lot of fun at a bar.

A gym, no.
No, no."

I've never stayed at a gym
so long, I got kicked out.

Never.

I never worked out so hard,
somebody had to take my keys

'cause I was crazy.

No.

No, no.

I don't have good habits.
I don't.

I have changed my diet none
whatsoever since I was a kid.

I still drink
whole milk every day.

That's weird
in a lot of places now.

Like, even in...

I went in Starbucks,
and the kid's really nice,

and I know they have whole milk

'cause it's
in a silver container

and it says "whole milk,"

and there's one right next
to it that says "skim."

It's for your coffee, but
they're not selling whole milk,

and I said to the kid, I go,
"I know this might sound weird,

"but if I gave you money,

would you give me
some milk?"

And he goes...

"Would you like to
try our soy milk?"

I said, "I don't know.

"I went to bed at 11:00
last night,

"and I didn't watch the news,

"and you're the first person
I've spoken to

"since I woke up today.

"While I was asleep,

did all the cows
in the world die?"

"Because if so,

"I would like to
try your soy milk.

"If not, I do not understand
why that was thrown out

as an alternative
to my original request."

If you want to feel better
about your health

and you want to feel like a
really in-shape, healthy person,

even if you're not,
go on a cruise ship for a week.

Lot of drinkers and eaters
on those ships.

It'll drink and eat you
into feeling great.

I... wow.

I had never been
on a cruise ship, ever,

and Lewis black booked a comedy
cruise and made me go.

And I got to Miami.

I'd never even seen
a cruise ship up close.

They're humungous.
It holds 4,000 people.

It's gigantic.

My sister goes,
"what was it like?

Maybe me and Matt will go."

I go, "here's what it was like.

"Picture if
we were all in Las Vegas,

"standing in the bellagio,

and all of a sudden,
it just sailed away."

Yeah.

Yeah, the whole building,

and nobody panicked
or acted weird.

They're like,
"see you, bye!"

"Hey, want to try
a monkey-ass rum punch?"

"Yes. I love monkey,
and I love punch."

Seven monkey rum punches
later, you hear,

"and now we will be doing
the safety drill."

What? What?

I'm hammered.

We can't do a safety drill.

"It is on your muster station,

"which is located on
the back of your key card.

It will not match your deck
or room, so please pay..."

What, what, what, what?
Now there's math involved?

This is a terrible vacation.

There's no math on vacation.

I finally found my room,

and I was next to these lovely
people from Wisconsin,

and they had balloons
all over their door,

and I was like, "hey,

is it somebody's birthday
or anniversary?"

And the guy goes, "no.

"We just get so hammered
on these ships,

and these rooms all look alike,
so we decorate our door."

"And the good news for you,
sweetheart, is,

"every time you find this door,

you got a 50-50 chance
of finding your room."

Yes, I do, Mr. Milwaukee.

You are my new best friend.

Don't tell me
alcoholics are lazy.

Look at that energy.
He had to get tape, balloons.

He had to stop smoking for
four seconds to blow them up.

There's a lot of activities.
Yeah.

You get on the ship, and
there's this giant, neon board.

It looks like
a Vegas sports-betting board.

You're like!
This is totally overwhelming.

You're like, "that looks
fun, that looks fun."

Well, if you're a sleeper-inner
or a drinker-later,

you will not be involved
in any of these activities,

because these will require
you to be up at 6:00 A.M.

With a Fanny pack on,
ready to jump in some dinghy

with your new friends
from buffalo, and, no.

My friend shay wanted to do it
all, and I'm like, "no.

"I am not getting up
at 6:00 A.M.

"To go to stingray village.

"I don't have it in me.

"If someone puts the stingrays
in my bathtub,

"I will pet them,
but I am not...

"I'm not doing that.

I don't care enough."

Her and her husband, Mike,
they did every activity.

"You sure?"
And she'd check back in.

"You sure, Kathleen?

Tomorrow we're going to zipline
through the Mexican jungle."

"Yeah, I'm sure.

"There is nothing
I could think of

"that would make me
projectile-vomit more quickly

"than to be hot and hung over

"and shot through a Mexican
jungle on a rubber band.

"No, no, I'm good.

"I am good right here
on this chair

"with my monkey-ass rum punch.

"And you know what?

"You can call me crazy, shay,

"but I question the safety
of that apparatus.

I truly do."

"No, no, no.
They make you sign a form."

Really? What form?
Who made those up?

Juan and Julio in the Van
that won't be there

when you come back with your
flesh-eating bacteria wound

that there's not hospital
around?

Hope you have a good time
with the ship doctor

getting your
bacteria-eaten leg fixed up.

If you're a drinker
or a sleeper-inner,

your activity adventure
will consist of

getting off that ship
at about noon,

into some sad,
little Mexican town,

where you're gonna hear
a guy in an alley go...

"Psst, psst!"

And you don't know why,

but you're gonna
go over to that guy

'cause you want to hear
what he has to offer.

And you're gonna go over there,

and he's gonna
show you a clipboard

with pictures of pretty fish,
and he's gonna tell you

he can take you
snorkeling there for $20,

and you're gonna say,
"$10."

You don't know
why you would've said that,

and then he's gonna say "$15,"

and the next thing
you know, you're gonna be

on a rickety-ass
partridge family bus

going to Christ knows where.

Because that's when lew

got the maddest
he's ever been at me,

because we were the only two
that agreed to this adventure.

He was like, "this is stupid.

"This is the stupidest thing
you've ever talked me into.

"We don't know
who the fuck that man is.

We don't know where
this bus is really going."

I said, "I know, lew.

"That's why
this is a real adventure.

"Those people
on that royal Caribbean ship

know exactly what time
they're coming back tonight."

"We may never
come back tonight, lew.

"Do you understand the level
of excitement

"I have provided for $15 a man?

Come on."

The worst thing
about a cruise ship, though,

is they have
a TV channel on your...

A little boat channel,
and in the afternoons,

when I first turned it on,

it's a picture of
where you are in the ocean,

'cause there's cameras
on the outside of the boat,

and you go,
"isn't that lovely?"

It's just the sea
and nice spa music,

but in the morning, no.

When you turn that channel on,

it's not the lovely ocean
with spa music.

It's a picture of your bill
from the day before.

Right.
How mean is that?

What kind of buzz kill is that?

This is vacation.

I don't need to review my bad
behavior on a daily basis.

What kind of sadist
is running this ship?

That is horrible.

All that can wait
till sad sunday,

when it's check-out time,

and I see the bill,
and I go, "my god!"

And then I become alarmed,
and I have that conversation

that I seem to have with myself
about once a year,

when I see it on paper.

I go, "holy Jesus Christ.

I think
you're an alcoholic."

"Hey, hey,
shh shh shh shh shh shh shh.

"Hey, it was vacation.

"Yeah, you bought drinks

"for those nice people
from buffalo.

The drinks
were overpriced."

"I think you need to take
that alcoholic test online."

"Don't you dare.

"Don't you dare.

"It's all true or false.

"You've never done well
on true and false.

"You always guess wrong.

"They don't let you
explain anything.

"The world is black and white
to those people.

"The world is not
a black-and-white place.

"The world has gray areas.

"Question number four,
example...

'Do you drink at home
alone?'"

"true."

"However...

"I used to go out and drink
with my friends at bars,

"and then they said
I couldn't drink and drive,

"so now I stay home sometimes

"and drink and watch
'shark week.'

"so, am I an alcoholic,

"or am I just a really good
citizen who loves America?

I love America!"

Thank you.
Good night.

That's it for me, guys.

Cheers.
Thank you so much.

And I have a present for you.

- Yeah? Yeah?
- You have...?

- Yeah.

- I'm terribly sorry.
It's the best I could do.

At the last moment, she...

- It's all ones.
- It's all ones.

- It's all ones.
- Yeah.

- So, we could either
take care of a check,

or we could head down to 8 mile.

- I think, wherever you think.

Wherever, you know,
we can make it rain.

- We have all night left.

- And I've never said that.
Anywhere, anytime.

- It's where I want to be...

On a horse going down
to pluto...

Where they're looking
at the stars...

Dancing on saturn...

I'll go everywhere with you...

Nah nah nah nah nah nah...

Nah nah nah nah nah...

Take me to Atlantis...

That's where I want to be...

Nah nah nah nah nah nah...

Nah nah nah nah nah...

Yeah.