Kathleen Madigan: Hunting Bigfoot (2023) - full transcript

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Wow.

Hello, hello, hello, everybody.

Wow. Thank you so much.

Yeah, it's so fun to be back in Denver.

I've been coming here for 150,000 years

and I'm never bored.

There's always something to do

and that is not the case

every week on the road.

No.

Just not long ago,

I was in this tiny town in Georgia,

me and my friend Vic,

and we were looking for something to do

and we kept asking the local people.

He's like, "We got eight hours off

is there anything fun to do?"

And they just...

all of them responded with,

"Well, you can zip line

to another state for $55."

And I asked the one guy,

just 'cause I wanted to see

if he would know,

I go, "What state would I end up in

if I chose to do it?"

And he literally answered me

with a question.

He goes, "Alabama?"

Yes.

That is the state

on the other side of you,

Jesus, even I know that

and I don't even live here.

And I think that's what you should do

with your criminals in Georgia.

You should zip line them

in the middle of the night to Alabama.

You give him an iPhone and $100

and say, "Look, if we see your ass again

in Georgia,

pow, pow, bang, bang.

No jokey-jokey."

We were so bored.

So he goes,

"Well, let's just go take a walk.

There's a creek over there."

So we took a walk

and some lady pulled up with a red truck.

I don't know her.

He doesn't know her.

She rolled out her window and she goes,

"Hey, are y'all walking on purpose?"

Wow. I've never been asked that

in my whole life.

I go,

"Yeah, we're walking on purpose."

She goes, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause we don't want a zip line

to Alabama."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Do you guys have saved your ticket?

Like, this has been rescheduled

because of COVID

and I felt so bad during COVID,

'cause like I have relatives

that are teachers and nurses

and they all had to work so, so hard

and it was all crazy.

And as a comedian,

I was told by the government to stay home

and watch TV and...

I nailed it.

I'm just saying,

I'm kind of an American hero.

So, I followed my instructions.

I watched stuff that I didn't even know

really while I was...

why I was watching it,

while I was watching them,

I'm like, "Well, last I checked,

I have a year off, so,

I'll finish it.

Who cares?"

I watched an hour-long special

about Caitlyn Jenner,

and I said to my sister, like,

I don't know, halfway through,

and I go, "I have no idea

what it's like to want to transition,

but the desire must be super powerful

because she, Caitlyn, is in her 60s

and had to go through

all these surgeries and all this craziness

to become a woman in her 60s."

I'm in my 50s

and I don't wanna go to LensCrafters,

like...

I won't do it anymore.

Like these contacts will rot my eyes,

or I will drag my ass

back down to that mall

and have a millennial shoot

air in my eye...

that I didn't ask for.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Stop doing that. Stop doing that.

"We have to test for glaucoma."

"No, you don't. No, you don't.

I'll give you some 70 bucks

and sign a waiver.

We'll call it even."

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

"Oh, your eyes are closed again."

Yeah. That's what happens when you shoot

an F5 tornado into some of these eyeballs.

That's the natural reaction.

That's why Jesus gave us eyelids.

That's why we have those.

God.

A year off.

I mean,

people fantasize about that, right?

We've all had those conversation.

"What if you had a whole year

of your life, like, what would you do?

Would you, like, write a novel

or, like, you know,

learn pottery

or, like, build a cabin?"

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Nope. Turns out nothing.

I did nothing.

I am no different unemployed

than I am employed.

There's just more of it.

Well, "Yeah, I will have

a Bloody Mary right now.

I don't have to be at work

or another 385 days.

Yeah, go ahead. Make it a double."

Who cares?

It really proved the nuns right

of my grade school career,

because in a Catholic school,

they always took that opportunity

on a report card to write

something snide on the back,

and they would always write.

"Kathleen does not make

productive use of her free time."

Like to shout-out to Sister Sheila,

you nailed it.

You did. You are still right.

I did not make productive use

of that time...

a year.

I thought about learning stuff,

like I thought about learning Spanish,

but then I'm like, "Yeah,"

but they're doing so good at English.

Like, I'll never catch up to them.

Like, I'll be dumb in two languages

and there's no reason

to put yourself through that.

I did teach myself

how to gamble via phone.

That was pretty exciting.

Yeah.

DraftKings, BetMGM, FanDuel, all of them.

But here's a little warning,

if you have an addictive personality,

just a little recommendation,

I would turn the notifications off

because that is a hundred percent

the devil's doorbell, okay?

Every five seconds,

"Bing. Hey, Kathleen.

There's a cricket match starting in Mumbai

in four and a half minutes.

Do you wanna get a bet in?"

"Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes."

I don't... I don't even know

how to play cricket,

but there's only two teams.

I got a 50/50 chance

right out of the gate.

Set it down, literally four minutes later,

"Bing. Hey, Kathleen, there's a women's

tennis tournament

starting in Eastern Europe.

Would you like to bet

on individual players?"

"Yes. Any lady that ends it 'ova, '

I want $50 on all the 'ova, '

surely one more win."

And then I'll cover that bet.

The only thing I did learn,

which was alarming,

is that I've been washing

my hands wrong for 56 years.

Yeah.

Sanjay Gupta, the Buzzkill.

He was on some show and he said,

"In order to wash your hands properly,

you have to wash your hands

for three minutes."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Exactly.

I'm like, "Three minutes?

Sir, I am involved in a cricket match

in Mumbai right now.

Like, I'm a busy lady.

I don't know what you got going on."

I didn't wanna fight during COVID.

I hated all the fighting,

so I tried it to avoid any situations,

except at one point

I had to drive through Kentucky

and none of the normal gas stations

were open.

So I had to go to a back-ass

hillbilly gas station,

and I walked in and I had a mask on

at the time,

and the lady...

there was only one person

and there's the lady working in there,

and she's smoking a cig.

And in this hand,

she had a scratch off lottery ticket

and I thought,

"Oh, wow, she still has hope.

I like it."

But when she saw my mask, she went...

[GROANS]

so I was like, "Whatever."

I went to the bathroom.

I got a soda,

I got pretzels and sat them down.

She looked at me with such disdain.

She goes, "I just want you to know...

we don't got Corona here."

I said, "That's okay

because I mostly only drink Bud Light."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And she goes, "What?"

I go, "I know, right?"

And then I ran away. I literally ran.

I left the soda. I dropped $20.

I made it rain. And then I ran away.

I was so...

and I was on a roll before COVID

because I've been on the road for, like,

185 years and I was like,

"You know what? I should start doing

some bucket list stuff

that I wanna do

before I decide to quit the road,"

and one of the things

I've always wanted to do

was go ice fishing because it looks fun.

And I booked myself at a casino

in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

No. Yeah.

If you've never been there,

uh, it is beautiful.

It's probably some of the most

beautiful landscapes I've ever seen.

But the people,

um, I would describe them,

and I think they would be proud of this,

I would describe them as feral.

Like...

they are not properly socialized.

Like...

when you're talking to them,

they have long pauses.

I'm like, "Are we done

or do you have more thoughts?

This is not a normal rhythm

to a conversation."

They're all real nice though.

The lady in charge of the gig,

I say, "Can you find somebody

to take me ice fishing on Saturday?

She called me back.

She goes, "Okay, Kathleen,

I found a guy that's gonna take you

and I promise he's not a pervert."

What?

Why would you say something like that?

Like, what are you

trying to get out in front of?

What's going on up here in the past?

Because, I mean, I'm still going,

but now I'm gonna be thinking

about that the whole time.

I mean,

just looking at this strange man going in.

I'm either gonna catch some fish

or out of nowhere

he's gonna sexually assault me.

But then I thought,

"Yeah, but I bought so many different

pieces of clothing from Bass Pro Shop."

I would almost challenge him like,

"If you could get it off, you win it

because you won't...

you won't get it off

because I don't know how I got it on.

I'm never getting out of these clothes."

Be the first #MeToo from what I saw.

#MeToo.

I wanted to

support the women of the Me Too Movement,

but like at one point,

I turned on CNN and they literally,

the people in charge,

were chasing Chuck Grassley down...

the senator from Iowa

down a hallway to speak to him

about the Me Too Movement.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Ladies,

Chuck is an 88-year-old farmer from Iowa.

He doesn't even understand

why you're out...

like of the house.

Like, "It's a Tuesday.

Where are your children,

you two bad whores?

And if you're here,

who's making supper for your husband?

I don't understand what's happening."

He's 88.

He's not gonna get it.

Don't waste your time on him,

like, old guys,

it's... some of it is generational.

My dad doesn't get it

and my dad's very liberal,

but he's also 80.

This is his "Me too" thing.

He goes, "This 'Me Too' thing,

I mean, obviously,

I don't wanna see you girls

get attacked at work."

Thanks, Dad.

That's a good thought.

I like going to work with that thought.

You know what?

Today, Dad's on my side

about not getting attacked.

He goes,

"But seriously, this for 'Me Too' thing,

are we gonna take it too far?

Hmm?

Are you not even gonna be able

to wink at a gal in your office?"

Nobody's doing that anymore, Dad.

I don't know...

I don't know when it was popular,

like, back in the '60s

when Bewitched was on or whatever,

and you guys

would all go get shitfaced at lunch

and then just go back

and wink your ass off

as nobody you thought was super-hot?

Uh-uh."

All right, Dad,

if you winked a little at a millennial,

they wouldn't even know

what you were doing.

They would just be like,

"Oh, my God, there's something wrong

with Mr. Madigan's eye."

Like every time

I walk by his office, he's like...

Maybe he has that dry eye Jennifer Aniston

talks about in those commercials, right?

Like, we should get them those drops,

as a secret Santa

and just leave them there for him.

In the Me Too Movement,

all the men that were accused...

what was crazy is the media,

it didn't matter who was accused,

another rich, powerful boss guy,

they'd go,

"Is it this shocking?"

No, because the men you're talking about

are in charge

and they're the boss

and they have money and power.

It'll be shocking,

like, if you told me Jerry

from the bowling alley did all that shit.

I'm like, "What? Stop it.

You're kidding me."

Jerry can't do it,

because Jerry has no power.

Jerry only has power over shoes.

That's Jerry's area.

And nobody cares about your bowling shoes.

You take what you're given

and you're happy.

It's just that easy,

but, like, no matter what guy,

Charlie Rose was one of the big ones

because they thought

he was such an esteemed journalist,

Charlie Rose, I'm not saying he did it.

I have no idea.

But to be accused, not shocking.

It would be shocking if you told me

Charlie Rose was a furry.

I'll be like, "What?

No way. What animal is he?

I wanna know.

I judge people...

on what animal they chose."

And if you don't know what a furry is,

do not feel stupid.

I didn't know them until three years ago.

I was sitting in a San Jose Marriot Bar

that was attached to the convention center

and it was my day off

and all of these people

in elaborate animal costumes started

coming in

and I was like,

"Wow, they're impressive," right?

And I... in my mind, I thought,

"Oh, it must be

a mascot convention," right?

You know, 'cause they work alone,

they probably like to get together

and complain about work, like we all do.

But then as they kept coming in, I'm like,

"You know, I know a lot about sports

and I don't recognize

any of these mascots."

So then all on my own, I decided,

"Oh, I bet it's minor league,"

you know, because there are so many teams.

You can't keep up.

The Savannah Bananas,

you know, like, too many.

So the bartender came back and I go,

"When... how long are the mascots in town?"

He's like, "What?

Lady, those are furries."

I go, "Oh, what's a furry?"

He goes, "Well, I'm not one of them

and I don't wanna answer that question."

I said, "Well, my phone's dead.

Come on, I can't Google it."

He goes, "Well,

they're like Millennial type age people

and they like to dress up like animals.

And then they come to these conventions

and some of them just wanna be the animal

and then others wanna hook up

as the animal."

Okay. I said, "Well, can I just ask

one follow-up question?

Um, if, if you're gonna hook up,

do you have to stay

within your species or is that taboo?

Like can the beagle get with the iguana

if nobody knows, or like...?"

he was like, "Yeah."

And then he walked away.

I'm like, "Well, I still wanted a beer.

I know that you didn't like

that conversation."

I'm like, "Wow. That's what a lot

of the Millennials are doing on weekends."

And you know what?

I am a fan of the Millennials

because they're the first generation

that has realized

that if you live with your parents

long enough,

eventually they'll be glad you're there.

Yes!

It's gonna take a while,

but grind it out, Millennials

'cause when your...

when your parents are 85

and they see you in the kitchen,

they'll be like,

"Hey, can you drive at night?

That's fantastic.

We wanna go to bingo on Friday at 8:00.

What's your name again?

Matt?

Okay, Matt.

So, Matt, did you leave ever

or did you fail and come back,

or did you just... have you been here?

We forgot."

I am frequently shocked though

when you're dealing with Millennials

in the general public

and I think it's kind of nice I guess

that they truly believe on some level

that strangers care about them.

Like...

I was in Lowe's

and I had all these tiny paint samples

and paint brushes,

I just... I set 'em down.

And then I... the guy was like 30 whatever,

and I go, "Hey, how are you doing, man?"

He goes, "Uh, not good, lady. Not good."

He said, "I just saw the work schedule

and I was supposed to have

three days off in a row

because I worked three days in a row,

and I don't.

And I don't even know

if I wanna work here anymore."

And in my head, I thought,

"Oh, my God, he thought I meant that."

I don't really care how you are, sir.

I barely care that I'm here.

I... that was just a pleasantry.

Those are nice things you say

to keep society moving

and forward progress

so we don't kill each other

with barbecue equipment on weekends,

like nobody cares.

Yeah.

I... that's why I think we could use

a little bit more to people

being nice in public and pleasant

because I think everybody

forgot to behave,

how to behave in the general public,

like I went into a Taco Bell...

yeah, like, be nice.

It's not that hard.

People have just flipped their lids like...

I went to a Taco Bell.

Now, there's only two girls,

they're probably in their 20s

and there's only two employees

'cause we're not employees anymore.

One's trying to fix the drive-thru

which is broken, which is why I went in

and there's one girl that's gonna wait

on me and there's a man ahead of me.

He's about mid-60s.

She tells him

they're completely out of mild sauce.

And he loses it.

He just loses it.

And he starts yelling and screaming.

And in my mind, I'm like,

"Dude, that is the last lady

on the Titanic

handing out life jackets.

Like, don't piss her off

because that's the 20-somethings,

they will quit, sir.

I don't think you understand.

They will fucking leave in a minute."

And they all agree on that.

It's like they formed a union

without ever having a meeting.

It's... and I think their union

should be called "Yeah, no,"

'cause they won't.

[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And good for them, you know,

'cause it never occurred

to our generation.

"Hey, I could just leave here."

Nope. Never even thought about it.

"Oh, man, this blows but I'm gonna stay

'cause I thought I'd die."

But I'm looking at him going,

he's still yelling at the girl.

I'm like, "If she quits, sir,

do you understand we have to do it.

Do you know how to make a gordita?

I don't.

I want a soft-shelled chalupa, no idea."

Then I went out to the car

and my sister goes,

"Oh, I saw that guy losing his mind.

What was he saying?"

I said, "It doesn't even matter

what he was saying.

I can tell you this though,

I know it was for, uh, certainty.

We as a nation are not prepared for war."

That was mild sauce.

Not even fire.

He went that crazy.

Sometimes I wish the Millennials

could be a little more flexible though

'cause I think they're linear,

'cause they grew up with the computer,

they fully trust the computer, um,

to the point

where sometimes they're like...

I was babysitting my brother's three kids,

and I called to get pizzas to be delivered

and the girl goes,

"What's the address?"

And I gave it to her.

She goes, "Hmm, yeah, that's not coming up

on GPS so we can't bring your pizza."

Oh.

I'm like, "Can we do it the old way

or I'll just tell you how to get here

and then you'll come with pizza

5and then I'll just throw

a bunch of crumpled dollar bills

in your direction

with tips and all that?"

She goes, "No,

because we were taught in training

that if you go to a house that has

a GPS address that doesn't come up,

that's exactly how you get lured

to your own death."

What?

So I said, just to see...

I wanted to see

if I would get a reaction,

I go, "Yeah. 'Cause I remember

like in the '70s and '80s

all those pizza kids that were murdered,

like every weekend

we'd lose another 400

and then more signed up.

I don't even know.

That was just in the Midwest.

I don't even know the coastal counts."

And she just goes, "Yeah. Bye."

Like I don't...

she may have believed it, not sure.

They're a trusting bunch,

the Millennials, which I appreciate.

I like, I think it's nice.

I don't think my group,

not trusting at all.

Like during COVID, one of the things

that was really weird is like,

most of my normal friends

and my relatives,

they still had to go to work

so they had stuff to do

so nobody wanted

to participate in my world.

And, like, one day I called my brother,

he worked at a bank and I go,

"Hey, Pat, you're not gonna believe this

but there's a king cobra

loose in Grand Prairie, Texas

'cause some asshole

forgot to put the lid

on his "cobra cage,"

and it's just running around

a normal neighborhood.

And my brother goes, "Well,

you're not gonna believe this Kathleen,

but I have a job."

And he hung up.

Boo.

Boo, Patrick.

So then I texted him,

I knew that would make him mad,

I'm like, "So I guess you don't care

about the zebras

loose in Maryland either then,

do you, Pat?

You wanna know more?

Call me back."

So I didn't have anybody to talk to

so I thought, well...

I started Madigan's Pubcast

'cause I thought,

"Well, there's gonna be a lot of"

yeah, it's fun, people.

Somebody wants

to hear these stories, right?

'Cause they're true.

It's important

there's a cobra loose for Christ's sake.

But I had a Millennial

hit me up on Instagram

and she wrote,

"I'm coming to see your show in Austin

'cause I love your podcast.

I didn't know you were a comedian."

Okay. Fair enough, you know?

She's young, whatever. Fair enough.

But I was very curious.

I go, just out of curiosity,

'cause she had bought a ticket,

I go, "What did you think I was gonna do

when you got there?"

And she wrote back,

"Well, I didn't know."

I thought,

"Wow, that's so trusting."

Like I'm 56,

I've never bought a ticket

to a surprise show in my life.

I got 37 bucks.

Let's see what's going on

in that building.

I do wish the Millennials though

would step it up in this one department.

I would like them to run for office.

I'd like them to try to be in charge.

Yeah,

'cause the people in charge right now,

um, we are being governed

by a Florida Bridge club and...

nobody seems alarmed

and nobody wants to say nothing

'cause you're being mean to Meemaw.

No, I don't... I don't give a shit anymore.

It has gotten...

it has gone over the rainbow.

Chuck Grassley,

the 88-year-old from Iowa,

announced on Twitter, and

I know he's doing his own tweets.

You know how I know that?

Because he signs them.

Okay, Papaw, you don't have to do that.

He announced he's running again.

No, Papaw, no.

You are 88. You go home now.

That's what you do when you're 88.

And it doesn't... yeah.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

It doesn't mean that you don't have worth

and you don't have value,

but you gotta find

something else to do

instead of being in charge

of 350 million people.

Okay, Papaw?

Here's... like, my dad was a lawyer,

my dad retired,

and then my dad became

a golf marshal.

That's appropriate.

If you don't know what a golf marshal is,

it's an old guy that gets in a cart

and then he drives around the course

and yells at other old people

to hurry their asses up

because not everybody has 11 hours

to play four holes.

And it's both sides of the aisle.

I mean, there's no difference.

I mean Nancy Pelosi,

I don't really know for sure

how old she is, but some days

I know for sure her teeth don't fit right.

I know that. I know that.

'Cause it happens to my mom.

It's a bridge issue.

There's like a clip

that goes on that fang tooth

and if it slips, it's not good.

Like my mom will be speaking like

a totally normal human being

and then it's just full-on Liza Minnelli,

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Mom,

fix it.

Clip it back on.

You sound like you're having a stroke

and... I don't know.

But Nancy will do it live on TV,

just come out for a press conference.

"Hi, everybody, it's me, Nancy Pelosi.

And today I'd like you...

I'd like to discuss insurance.

I'm like, "Ah, fix it."

"Affordable healthcare insurance,

that's what I like to talk about.

I don't know sign language.

It looks like I do.

Actually, my hands just do this

'cause I'm Italian.

We talk with our hands.

That's why I have such good skin

'cause I'm Italian.

I'm actually... I'm 64.

Nobody knows that."

No. No.

Over 80. Mitch McConnell,

the talking turtle from Kentucky.

No, I just can't look at you anymore.

It's over now.

The man's never voted yes

for anything, you know?

"I vote no on everything.

That's my thing.

Sometimes

if I haven't voted no in a while,

I'll write a bill just to vote against

myself so I stay in practice."

And I'm not saying the Millennials

would be any smarter, I don't know.

But I know for sure they don't have

grudges that go back so far,

they're not repairable because

I haven't had the time to have 'em.

When you hear these, these people

fighting, and Mitch McConnell,

"Well, I remember when Nancy Pelosi

voted against the Spanish-American War."

I was like, "You California-salad-eating-

pie-nut-loving-fruitcake-piece-of-shit,

them boys at the Alamo would be alive

if it wasn't for Nancy Pelosi."

And so the only time

I've ever voted yes in my life,

reinforcements

for Mr. David Crockett."

Stop.

It's crazy.

And then who are we presented with?

More 80-somethings.

Bernie Sanders said he's probably

pretty sure he's gonna run again.

Bernie is like from the Bible old.

Like I... if you could bet on DraftKings,

one person is still alive from the Bible,

I'd throw a hundred on Bernie.

I'm like, "Yes."

And I liked Bernie.

I had a soft spot for him 'cause to me,

every time he showed up somewhere,

he always looked like he may have just

been involved in a car accident.

"I'm sorry I'm late.

Let me take off my mittens.

The maid in Vermont

by a woman named Naomi.

If you'd like a pair, go to my website."

I thought Biden was too old.

And I don't know why nobody helps the guy,

like I don't get it.

Like when he's out giving speeches,

I would do it for free.

I'll be in charge of...

I'll be in charge of him

'cause here's what I would say to him,

I go, "Joe, here's the deal.

Guess what?

We're not gonna do anymore story times.

We're not... ixnay on the stories, okay?

'Cause it's... they're very dated,

stick to the script.

And what I'm gonna do for you, Joe,

is I'm gonna stay on side stage

with a burlap bag full of tennis balls.

And any time you start going off-script

and telling a story,

I'm gonna throw a tennis ball

in your direction, not at you,

just so you see it and you go,

'Oh, shit. Right. I'm not supposed

to do that.' Right. Right."

Because at one point he kept repeating

the story, no one's ever stopped him.

It's a story about when he was a teenager

and there was another gang

somewhere in Delaware

and that gang leader

was named Corn Pop.

And he said,

"Remember the night before a gang fight

how you'd take that straight razor

and you'd put it in a rain barrel

to let it get rusty all night?"

"Ah-ah, tennis ball,

where is the tennis ball?"

"What are you talking about?"

A straight razor? No, I don't...

sound like we're in the Westerns

where they go like that on their face

and then you're saying you put it in water

on purpose to get it rusty to then,

I guess when you stabbed people,

to give them tetanus?

Like, this is sociopathic.

No.

I thought Trump was too old.

But here's where I knew

he was definitely too old

because whenever he gives speeches

in any state

that has any relationship

with coal or coal mining,

he gets up front, everybody goes,

"You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna open, like,

a bazillion, gillion,

trillion new coal mines.

And we're gonna have coal everywhere.

And all the young people

are gonna be so happy

because they could be coal miners

and they can stay in their area."

Part of me thought, "You know what?

I think he believes that in, in some way

but I think you believe that

because you're too old."

Because I have met

50,000 Millennials on the road

and I have not yet met one that I think

would agree to be a coal miner.

And nor should they.

I would give everything

I have though to see their reaction

to the job description of coal mining,

just sitting on their phones,

half-ass paying attention to me,

"So wait. What?

So, like, you want me to go into Earth

in the daytime,

in a rollercoaster

to get rocks, like rocks?

Well, will my phone work down there

because I won't do it if I can't TikTok.

That's my thing.

So, yeah, no."

I tried to learn to TikTok

over the pandemic.

My nieces love it,

but they're 13 and they're like,

"We'll show you, Aunt Kath."

And they show me their phones

and I watch them.

If you've never seen TikTok,

it's just a barrage of videos.

And I put them down and they're like,

"You didn't like it, did you?"

I go,

"Well, here's what I'll say about it,

'I feel like I just sat next to someone

who did an eight ball.'"

[LAUGHTER]

"Nope."

I'm a drinker, not a drugger, so nope."

And they go like,

"Oh, are you saying it's, like, too much?"

I go, "Yeah, it's way too much.

I can't... I can't process it."

They go, "Yeah. But just because

our videos are mostly

dance, and music, and stuff,

like you could build your own

and it won't be as crazy."

I said, "All right." So I signed up

and I don't know how it decides what

your first batch of videos is gonna be.

But my first batch,

all of my people were in hospice.

I was like...

[LAUGHTER]

"This is horrible.

Why would anybody watch this?

Why, why is this entertaining?"

And they're like, "Don't watch it too long

or you'll get a lot more of them."

I was like, "What?"

They're like, "Mm-hmm. Too late.

You went past six seconds."

They go,

"Did you ever watch one somewhere?"

I go, "Okay. On Instagram, I did.

I watched a hospice video.

Maybe they know that because the girl

was so young, she was like 26 years old.

She was sadly dying.

But she had said it all started

with her eye twitching,

and at the time,

my left eye had been twitching

for like two and a half weeks,

I just know I was tired running around."

Then I was like, "Shit.

I didn't know it could end like this."

Like, this is...

I'd prefer Instagram

because it's passive.

It's just... yeah.

It's just, "Oh, look, beagle, puppy.

Beagle...

oh, there's a cat eating a popsicle."

It's just pleasant.

There's nothing bad.

People are nice on Instagram.

Like Twitter,

I like it, but it's aggressive.

You better be ready.

It's like walking into a bar at midnight

and everybody's had shots except you.

Yeah.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in

with a little opinion about nothing."

And I've tweeted about everything

and never really got any backlash,

except, it was shocking... sports.

Who would think?

You'd think it'd be politics or...

nope, nope, nope, nope.

Just sports.

One day, I just tweeted out,

because I'm from St. Louis,

I tweeted out, "Go Cards."

That's all I wrote.

"Shut your whore, bitch mouth."

Hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That was uncalled for, okay?

I didn't type, "Fuck the Cubs," did I?

No. I typed, "Go Cards."

That's all I said.

So I don't tweet about sports anymore.

Facebook, I don't love it.

I have it for work.

But I don't like Mark Zuckerberg,

yeah, because I feel like

he stole all of our information.

He sold it 17 times around the globe

to Sunday

and he never really paid

a price for that.

- Right.

- [APPLAUSE]

And sadly, last summer,

we had him in front of a senate committee,

but the people asking the questions

were so old.

I truly think they were just excited

to meet him. I do.

"Well, hello there, Mr. Zuckerberg.

I joined the Facebook on a Sunday morning.

Super happy you're here because,

coincidentally, I forgot my password.

It used to be 1234

then the wife said that was too easy.

And I changed it but I don't remember.

So I was hoping at the break you could

help me retrieve the said password.

My parents like it, but they're 80."

They get up in the morning,

they drink coffee,

and then they troll the entire family,

every second cousin, third cousin,

people we lived by when I was five.

That's their morning entertainment.

That's what I told my teenage nieces

and nephews,

I'm like, "Uh, heads up,

if I were you guys,

I would not friend Grandpa,

or Grandma for that matter.

They look innocent and they seem nice,

but they're spies.

That's what they are.

They're flat-out spies.

They're gonna go through your whole feed

and they're gonna read everything

and then they're gonna tell your parents

who are too busy for that shit

and report back."

Well, one nephew goes,

"Well, I already friended Grandpa."

I go, "Well, I would unfriend Grandpa."

And he goes, "Well, I think

it would hurt his feelings."

I said, "Well, if he were to notice,

which he will not, just tell him it broke.

There will be no further questions,

because they'll accept that."

"Huh. All right. It broke."

Both of our... both of our parents

just turned 80.

And I go, "You know what? You're the age.

You're the exact age, as a matter of fact,

of people that are running this country."

I said, "Honestly, do you think

you could be the president?"

And my dad goes,

"Uh, do you mean individually?"

I said, "As compared to what?"

He goes, "As a couple.

Could we do it as a couple?"

I go, "What?"

"Well, you know, like, some days,

I don't remember anything,

but your mom will remember

all kinds of stuff.

It's weird. And in other days,

she won't remember shit."

And I'm like, "I got you. I got it."

"Together, we're probably about 68."

He said. But individually,

Christ, no, Kathleen, we can't.

I don't even know where the car is at."

I think the cutoff should be 70 or 75.

That's fair enough, right?

If you have to be a minimum age,

there should be a maximum age.

Like it... because I've seen the difference

in my parents between, say, 70 and 80.

Like 70, everything was pretty much

all right, I'd say.

Eighty, oh, now, whenever I see them,

they're completely covered in Band Aids.

I'm like...

"Wow. What are you guys doing?

Are you, like, stabbing each other

with pencils for fun?"

My dad's like, "No, no, no.

It's the medication we take, Kathleen.

You're barely banging or something,

there's blood shooting everywhere.

It's a problem. It's a problem.

We can't even go to your sister's house

because of that cat.

We'll bleed out over there.

We will bleed out."

He goes, "Look at these scratch marks.

These are three weeks old, Kathleen.

They... we don't heal anymore either.

That's a new thing.

We don't heal."

And I looked and I go,

"Oh, my God. Let me go get the new skin."

"It won't work. We tried it.

Here's the problem with new skin,

it turns out your skin,

you have to have enough skin

to connect with that other skin

and we're running out of skin.

I don't know what comes after this."

[LAUGHTER]

At 80, there's so many health problems

that, like, nothing's alarming anymore.

It's like, oh, okay. I called.

They were in Florida and I said,

"Hey, what are you guys doing?"

My mom goes,

"Well, we're going to the hospital

because your dad thinks he might

be having another heart attack."

I said, "Oh, shit."

I go, "Well, let me talk to him."

She goes, "Well, no, he's driving."

[LAUGHTER]

I go, "Seriously, Mom?"

"I know it's crazy, Kathleen,

but he said if I drive,

he sure will have a heart attack.

And right now, it could be indigestion.

We ate spicy food last night."

I don't love calling there

'cause he has his hearing aids.

And if you call somebody

with hearing aids on his cell phone,

this is all you're probably

gonna hear on your end...

"Eeeeeee..."

and they don't hear you going, "Hello?"

They don't hear it

because the stupidest system

I've ever heard of,

the hearing aid company decided

that when a hearing aid battery

is going even slightly low,

they decided the good idea

would be to have the hearing aid

make a noise

to alert the hard-of-hearing person,

which they don't hear.

Everyone else hears it.

Dogs in the neighborhood are going all...

[MIMICS DARK BARKING]

What's that?" [MIMICS DARK BARK]

Like, what a dumbass system.

Like when the hearing aid

is about to go dead,

that thing should start vibrating

in his ear

and then fly around the house

like that ball in Harry Potter

till he grabs it out of the air.

And then when they get older,

there's less to talk about

because they do less, you know.

So when I call, that's fine,

but like they golf.

They like to golf.

So if I ask my dad, how was golf,

oh, 45-minute answer.

I don't know if that's a dude thing.

He will go through every hole,

every club, every putt,

how he was in the woods

versus my mom, nope.

"Mom, how was golf?"

"I saw a fox."

Yes. Thank you.

That's what I'm looking for.

Short, concise, interesting, animal-based.

Jesus Christ.

She has an iPhone because

I bought it and I sincerely wish I hadn't

because now,

every time it breaks, she calls me.

She's like, "Kathleen, that iPhone

you bought me broke again

so I took it to Walmart."

Random. "We didn't buy it at Walmart,

but whatever, Mom.

You're 80.

Take all your broken shit into Walmart.

Just throw it on the ground.

Start crying. Maybe somebody will fix it.

Maybe you'll be arrested, whatever.

You got to nothing else going on.

Do it."

She said, "No, they won't.

They won't help you.

I went back to that phone counter

and there was a young guy working there

and he asked me a question.

I answered it,

and then he started laughing.

And then another kid came out,

I asked the same question.

And this went on

through three people,

Kathleen." I said,

"Well, what was the question?"

She said, "Well, he kept saying,

who is your provider?

And I kept saying, my daughter."

[LAUGHTER]

No.

I am not... I'm not your provider,

but I'm, like, your... your supplier.

Like a drug deal,

I gave you the supply."

She goes, "Well,

who's our provider as of right now?"

I said, "Our provider is Sprint

because we don't care about service."

Sprint is so shilly.

But I don't care because some days,

I don't like getting calls, you know.

Let the Lord decide

who's getting through. I'll...

I'm involved

in a cricket match in Mumbai.

I don't have that kind of time.

Sprint is so strange, though.

I think I've... I think I stay

because I'm curious

because, like, it doesn't work in places

where it should work like here or Chicago,

you know, cities, like,

it doesn't really work.

But then out of nowhere,

it'll work in some random ass place.

That's why I like

if you're gonna go out drinking,

and you think things might get crazy

and maybe go off the rails,

you should make sure

somebody in your group has Sprint

because like if we got

completely shitfaced tonight

and ended up in one of El Chapo's tunnels,

and people were like,

"Oh, my God. Well, how can we get out?

Our phones won't work."

Oh, yeah, bitches.

Who's got four bars? Sprint does.

That's right.

[LAUGHS]

It's never even truly bothered me,

except one time I flew to South Dakota

and my plan was I'm gonna get off

the plane and Uber to this casino deal.

Well, when I landed, my phone

was just going... [MIMICS ERROR TONE]

like a tornado warning or something crazy.

And then it started blinking.

I've never seen anything happen

before like that.

"You are now internationally roaming."

Oh, Sprint.

I'm in South Dakota.

There's another one on top of it.

I'm not even near a border, you morons.

But then I was curious to see

if they had Uber,

and there's nobody in the airport.

It's small.

It's pretty much empty,

but there's an old lady in a card table

that just says "information."

And she's doing the crossword puzzle

and I walked out.

But I was very respectful and polite.

I go, "Excuse me, ma'am.

I was just curious.

Do you guys have Uber here?"

She'd never stop doing

the crossword puzzle.

She goes, "I don't know anyone

by the name of Uber.

But if you need a ride,

I can have Darryl come get you."

No. 'Cause when she said "get,"

I heard "take." I'm like, "No.

I'm not getting

in the car with Darryl."

So, then I thought,

"Well, I'll just rent a car.

The phone ain't working anyway."

And I rent from Avis and I love Avis.

And here's why, 'cause if you rent

a lot of times from Avis,

you get in their frequent renter club.

And their frequent renter club

is the Wizard Club.

So, you become a wizard, right?

And they send you a card in the mail,

like, mine said Wizard Madigan.

And I... you would not think that

that would excite me at this age,

but it was so awesome.

I was so excited.

And then the greatest part is,

like, if you're in a bigger city

where they have the shuttle,

when the Avis shuttle pulls up,

a full-grown adult has to look at me,

another full-grown adult

and without laughing...

say, "Are you a wizard?"

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

God damn right I'm a wizard.

Come on.

Just once before I quit the road,

I wanna get dressed up

from head to toe as a wizard.

And I don't wanna wait

at the Avis shuttle spot and I...

I don't wanna have luggage or nothing.

I wanna have one of those scepter sticks

with the ball on the end.

And then when the driver pulls up,

he goes, "Are you a wizard?"

I wanna go, "Ahh!"

'cause at best, I'm a crazy lady.

At worst, I'm a real wizard

and I just did something horrible.

My parents go to Florida in the winter

'cause it's warmer than Missouri.

That's where I'm from,

the State of Missouri.

Oh, that was such

a smattering polite applause.

I know people don't know how to react.

It's okay.

It's in the middle.

At least you guys have an idea

of where it's at, in Colorado.

But like the Coast?

No. I was in California. It's a bar.

The girl says,

"I'm gonna need to see your license."

I gave it to her. She goes,

"Missouri. Is that by Minnesota?"

I said, "It is.

In the '80s,

we moved all the M's together

so they could be in the middle

for the M, you know.

Like, we moved Montana over and then

that kicked Iowa even further by the "I's"

like Illinois and Indiana."

And she just went, "Oh."

And walked away. I went,

"Oh, my God. I think she believed me."

That's not true.

Don't tell your friends that.

That is not true.

I grew up in St. Louis

and I grew up a lot in the Ozarks.

And lately, there have been

a lot of shows about the Ozarks.

And my mom is so upset.

She's like, "Have you seen

these shows about the Ozarks?"

'Cause they live their full-time

in Florida."

And she's like, "I just find it awful.

They're making us look like hillbillies.

And, Kathleen, we have a Panera now."

[LAUGHTER]

It's getting more modern,

but that hillbilly thing

is still definitely there.

Last Christmas Eve,

me and my brother, I said,

"Before we go back to Mom and Dad's,

let's just stop and get a beer."

And we went to some back ass

Ozark hillbilly bar and we walked in.

We're the only two people. Great.

But a guy comes in,

and Missouri is an open-carry state.

That used to mean liquor.

Now it just means any weapon you can find

on the Internet, like a cannon.

Bring it. Fuck it. Nobody cares.

Bow and arrow, you're good.

No problem. Guns, it doesn't matter.

It's just a free for all.

But this guy walked in

with a gun on each hip

and he sat down on the barstool

and he ordered three Bud Lights

and three shots of Fireball.

Yeah. He's alone, right?

So, he's here. I'm here.

My brother's here.

So, I moved from this bar stool

around to this side,

putting my brother in the line of fire

in the event

that hillbilly hell

decides to shoot a gun tonight

for fun or some shit.

But I knew he'd see me do it

and I knew it might cost a thing.

And he looked at me and he goes,

"You scared of this?"

And I knew he meant the guns.

Well, I go, "No.

I'm not scared of Bud Light.

That's crazy talk."

I said, "I'm not scared

of your Fireball either.

I love Fireball every now and then.

And I'm not even scared of your guns.

But altogether,

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I find it a little concerning."

And then he said, "So,

you don't believe in the Second Amendment?

Well, now before you answer that question,

you have to think about it

'cause it's gonna deem

how the rest of your night's gonna go.

And I had already ordered nachos, right?"

[CROWD LAUGHS]

So, I said, "I will only discuss

the Second Amendment

if you could name another amendment."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES]

And that's when my brother got mad at me.

He's like, "Goddammit.

Can you ever just

keep your mouth shut, Kathleen?

We were having a nice time.

Is this where you wanna die? Is it?

You wanna die at the drunken catfish?

'Cause this is what's gonna happen

when you mouth off off like that."

I said, "Patrick,

you're getting way too upset.

He didn't even understand my joke.

Like, some jokes are just for me.

He shot his Fireball and smiled.

We're good.

Everything is good. Everything is fine."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

It gets too cold for my mom

and dad there, though.

It doesn't get as cold

as when I was a kid.

I mean, something's happening.

I don't know what with the weather.

But, like, when I was in fifth grade,

that year we had 57 snow days.

Yup, 57.

And we never made them up.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Nope. The nun said, "Fuck it.

School is over on May 26th.

And don't even think about bringing

those little rat bastards back around here

because this convent's got a float trip

down the Merrimack scheduled

and we're going."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

That's why, like, when my friends

with grade school kids

or my younger siblings

that have grade school kids during COVID,

when it was an online homeschooling,

they were all just unraveling.

One phone call was worse than the next.

"This is ridiculous.

I don't even know how to do

sixth grade math anymore.

Science, I never understood to begin with.

I'm drinking margaritas at 9:00 in the

morning

so I don't kill people in this house."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

At one point, I told my younger sister,

I go, "Just don't do it."

She goes, "What?"

I go, "Just don't do it.

It doesn't matter.

I missed 57 days of fifth grade.

And so far in my life,

it's never come up."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I've never been in a bar

where somebody said something

and I was the only one shocked,

like, "What?"

We had a Civil War?

Shut up. I never heard about that.

Maybe..."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

My parents like Florida.

I don't really, totally get it.

They leave the day after Christmas

and then they come back on Easter.

Like Jesus,

they rise from the State of Florida

back to my brother's backyard in Missouri.

They just reappear.

I'm like, "Wow, you're back.

And there's still two of you. Well done.

I don't know what you're doing down there,

but you look wonderful."

There... there's a lot of drinking

going on down there

with the old people

in the retirement places.

Like, my mom goes,

"I want you to go to my golf league

and meet my friends."

I said, "Okay.

What time do we tee-off, 8:00?

But I like to get there at 6:00."

What?

I said, "No, Mom.

7:00." I'll go. "All right. Fine."

So, we go at 7:00.

I meet all of her friends.

I get in the golf cart at 7:40 AM.

I go, "Mom, your friends are a lot of fun,

but what exactly is wrong

with that lady, Marybeth?"

She goes, "Oh, well, she's hammered."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I said, "Dear Mom,

it is 7:40 in the morning."

She goes, "Well, we don't have

a relationship with time

anymore, Kathleen.

We don't really live within time.

We're like out of time.

We're in a different dimension

than you people that are in real time."

She goes, "You know, I mean,

some days we wake up at 3:00.

Some days 6:00.

I mean, today, I've already had lasagna."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you what, though, if you ever

think you have a drinking problem,

go down to Florida and hang out

with those old people

'cause they will do stuff for you,

like, "Whoa.

Hey, Jameson and toast?"

Like, I've never even thought about that.

I'm fine. Like, I'm fine.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I never truly have ever thought

I had a drinking problem

till about three years ago.

I was in Nash... I flew in Nashville

and I rented a car

and my friend goes,

"Oh, people are coming over.

Can you stop and get some wine?"

I said, "Sure." I don't know

the liquor laws in every state.

So, I go into a grocery store

and I get a bottle of red,

a bottle of white,

sat them down.

The lady looks at me with complete disdain

and she goes,

"Ma'am, those are not for sale."

I said, "Well,

I don't wanna freak anybody out,

but there's a whole aisle of them."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And they have price tags on them.

That front door is open

and that cash register is on.

So, to somebody

who ain't from around here,

this whole situation implies

that a sale's going down.

And she said, and I quote,

"Ma'am, Tennessee is a Christian state."

Now I didn't say nothing right there

'cause I still wanted the wine.

I thought I was in the game, right?

I just let that one go.

It's hard, but I let it go.

She goes, "And you are not allowed

to buy wine on Sundays."

Now, I might have been okay

if she just stopped there,

but she kept going.

She goes, "But you can buy beer."

What?

I go, "Can I ask you something?

And I'm not... I'm not from here.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic."

And she goes, "You may."

I said, "Well,

I'm not from here and I'm catholic,

so I don't really know anything

about the Bible, but..."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

too vague, too long, sorry.

I don't have the time.

But I do think... I remember a story

from the Bible about Jesus

turning water into wine.

And I don't think I have ever heard

a story about Jesus

turning water into beer.

So, maybe you can explain to me

why the Christians in the state

of Tennessee

will make Jesus a beer guy

when clearly He was a wine guy.

Like, that's documented.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Now there's two men behind me.

A guy and an older guy with overalls on

and he leaves and the old guy

in the overalls,

he says to me, "Ma'am,

it's just all about the alcohol content."

I go, "Right.

But, like, if I drink 20 beers,

I'd be way more drunk

than if I just had a glass of wine

with dinner, right?"

He goes, "Yeah. You're right.

I didn't even know what I meant.

I just heard that on the TV

when they were talking about it."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Wow. I'm like, I'm in a circle of stupid

and I started it.

And now I can't get out.

Now she's mad at him, too, the old lady.

She said... we're both in the penalty box.

And she goes, "I want you both to know

I don't find any of this humorous."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I said, "Me neither."

And I left 'cause I got my wine.

And then as I was walking to the car,

I was getting madder and madder.

And then I thought, "Wait a minute.

I'm get... maybe I have a drinking problem.

I'm getting way too angry

about two shitty bottles of wine."

But then I was like, "No.

If I had a drinking problem,

I'd have bought the beer

'cause a drink is a drink at some level."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm on cheat day with alcohol, too.

Wine, I don't care what kind.

Boxed wine, fine.

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

I don't know who's doing their marketing

but they're not selling

their biggest selling points.

The two biggest selling points to me

about the boxed wine first and foremost,

especially if you have judgey neighbors,

it makes no noise in the trash.

That's right.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

"What'd you do all weekend?"

"Nothing. It's super quiet."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

The other thing is you can always

get into a box of wine.

I've been given bottles of wine

on the road,

go back to the hotel.

Shit. No wine opener.

And then, boom, the cork breaks.

Oh, sad times. No wine.

That's never gonna happen

with a box of wine.

'Cause even if that

sprout deal breaks off,

you can stab it.

You can stab the box.

You're getting in if you're determined.

Even with a pair of tweezers,

you can get in there.

But hold them tight

'cause sometimes if it hits it,

it could slide backwards

and cut your hand.

I'm not gonna tell you

why I would know that,

but just trust me.

I do find... some of my friends

know a lot about wine,

but sometimes I think

they're situationally unaware.

Like, I took my friend Lou

to a really shitty lake

dive bar in Tennessee.

We get in and he goes, "So, Kathleen,

did you have a wine list?"

[CROWD LAUGHS]

"Lou, look behind the bar.

Look on the wall.

You see what we're looking at?"

I go, "That's a stuffed squirrel

playing a tiny banjo, Lou." Yeah.

It's marvelous.

I don't even know where you find that.

Do you Google on Amazon

a squirrel tiny banjo? I don't...

and then the person shellacked that

and then they nailed that to driftwood

and then they hung that

as a full piece of art.

And you know what?

The guy who did that, Lou,

does not have a wine list.

I guarantee you that guy has a bottle

of Jack Daniels

and a carton of Marlboro Reds.

And this is his idea of art.

And I like it."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

A lot of people, as they get older,

they just decide to quit drinking.

I'm like, "No, I'm not gonna quit."

I do find, though, the older I get,

there's stuff I won't start

that I might have when I was young.

You know, people are...

it's usually physical things.

"Hey, do you wanna learn how to snow ski?"

"Um, let me Google the deductibles

on broken legs."

Oh, no. I'll be at the bar at $16,000."

No.

I did a corporate gig in Hawaii,

which never happens

and they were such a nice group.

They were from Minnesota,

this insurance company,

and every day, the leader of the group

would call my room

to see if I wanted to do their activities.

It was always going,

"Hey, Kathleen,

that's me, Bob from Minnesota."

"I know, Bob, you don't have to

keep saying the Minnesota part.

I got you because it's either you

or the My Pillow Guy calling my room.

And I don't know that man."

He goes, "Well, I just wanted to see

if you wanted to join us for surf camp."

I said, "Well, I don't have my glasses on,

but I think it's dark outside right now."

He goes, "Yeah, it's dark, it's 5:30,

but the sun comes up at 6:00

and we're gonna start surf camp at dawn."

I thought, "Oh, I didn't say it."

[INDISTINCT]

how fortunate for the sharks that all,

all of these white walleyes from Minnesota

are just gonna drop through their ceiling

right in time for breakfast,

be like pizza's falling in here tonight.

We're like, "Oh, my God,

look, a pepperoni.

This is crazy."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

But I didn't say that

because I don't wanna be rude.

And he goes, "Well, you know,

just in case you are afraid,

I wanna let you know

now they have foam surfboards.

So, if it does come back

and hit you in the face,

it doesn't break all your facial bones."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

You're still not selling me all this, Bob,

because I'll tell you this, Bob

and I wasn't gonna bring it up,

but since we keep talking about it

on the way over here,

I did think about snorkeling

and I Googled, uh,

shark attacks in the water

surrounding Maui.

And in the last six years or five,

there's been three fatalities.

Now, that may not seem like a lot

compared to the amount of people

that are in the water every day,

but it is a lot if you

were one of those three

because that's it.

The game's over. That's it.

It's over.

And I can't tell you

how I am gonna die, Bob,

but I can tell you how I'm not gonna die.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And unless there is a great white shark

bartending at that tiki hut,

[CROWD LAUGHS]

it's not going down like that, Bob.

[CROWD CHEERING]

And then what's crazy

if you put something like that

into YouTube or Google,

shark attacks in the water,

oh, my God, seven million videos

come up of horrifying things.

And I don't know what made me

click on the one.

It was like a 60 Minutes

or one of those shows.

It was an old guy interviewing

this young, cute girl, a surfer girl.

But unfortunately, her right arm

had been eaten off by a shark.

And this was to be a feel-good thing

because she's gonna surf again

and she's sitting there with her parents

and the old guy goes,

"So you're gonna to surf again, huh?

Are you nervous? Because, well."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

So inappropriate, right?

And the... but the girl goes,

"No, because like I told my parents,

what are the odds of a shark

eating my other arm?"

And her parents were just sitting there.

I wanted to go, "Tell her, the same,

the exact Goddamn same.

What's the matter with you?"

And you know why they're the same?

Because sharks don't have

Monday morning meetings

about what has occurred

and what will be occurring.

"This is Tiffany.

Somebody ate her right arm off

a year and a half ago.

She's getting back in the water.

Let's not eat her left arm off, too, okay?

Don't be a dick, Bill.

Everybody knows it's you.

There's a lot of nice sharks in this room

giving us a bad name."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And I've watched Shark Week my whole life.

I'm not getting in ever, ever again.

It's never, ever gonna happen.

I like Shark Week

and I really love the show.

I'm very faithful to the show

Snapped on Oxygen.

Yeah, it's, it's like the only show

they have anymore.

Like, if you turn on the guide on Oxygen,

it just says "Snap, Snap,

Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap."

And if you've never seen it,

it's about women who have tolerated

a whole lot of crap in their life.

Bad crap. Until one day, they don't.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And that's the snap.

And what's crazy about this show

is not only are the crimes

usually off the charts crazy,

but the women who did them,

they're on the show.

It's not actors.

And they seem so extraordinarily normal.

Like any lady you'd meet in the suburbs.

I know now nobody's normal.

And it's the way they tell the story.

It sounds almost sweet when it starts.

"Hi. My name's Sue.

Uh, yeah, me, and, uh, me and Dave

got married young.

We were young.

But a couple of years into the marriage,

I found out he was having an affair,

and I was just heartbroken.

I was so upset.

But he apologized and said he was drunk

and I was young, so I stayed.

Fast forward, a couple kids later,

a few more years later,

I find out he's having his second affair.

And now I'm angry. I am.

I'm angry because we have two little kids

and this is their dad

and they really like him.

And again, I chose to stay.

And then fast forward

a few more years later,

I found out he was having

his third affair.

And that's when I set him on fire.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Yeah, I did.

He was just laying there on that couch,

passed out, and I thought, you know,

I've asked him to move the gas cans

in the garage

at least 87 times.

And I thought, you know, dammit,

I'll move them. You watch me.

I'll do it."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And this is why when my friends

in their 40s and 50s, they get divorced

and then they'll start dating

and then they'll always

circle back around and go,

"Goddamn, Kathleen,

I had no idea how many women

out there are crazy."

Well, you know what? That's your fault,

because we have a whole channel devoted

to what we are capable

when the envelope gets pushed

and it's... you can watch it, too.

It's not just for women,

but that's the problem.

You guys aren't watching it.

You know who's watching it?

Other women. We're just getting ideas.

I know prison sentences.

I know which states

have the death penalty.

You don't even know how much shit

I know from that show.

And what's really alarming

is my mom loves it, too.

I would say we've probably

both been watching it

for seven years

and I've never seen a repeat.

Oh, yeah [INDISTINCT]

I like that.

And I still watch Tiny House Hunters.

Yeah, the other ones I got bored with.

But Tiny, I like it because I feel like

if you have never seen it,

it's usually a couple.

And I feel like they're suffering

some sort of clinical nervous breakdown,

but nobody in their family or friends

wanna deal with that shit,

so everyone just encourages them.

"Yeah, you should live in a tiny house.

You should leave right now.

I don't even know why you're still here.

Like, get going."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

The whole concept is that

the tiny house is 500 square feet or less

and they'll all want it

to be mobile, okay?

Because they're gonna tow this shit show

all across North America

and bother every single person

they've ever met on Facebook.

"Hi, do you care if we live in a yard

for like a year?

We'll be so quiet."

But with this show,

what's alarming is every time

they pull up the couple

to get their tiny house,

they're like in a 2015 Honda Civic.

Well, come on, guys.

You can't pull that with that.

You can't even pull another Honda

with that Honda.

The tiny house you want is $47,000.

The truck you need to pull

that tiny house is $62,000.

So, why don't we take

your dumbasses truck shopping?

And that's why I will never be the host

of Tiny House Hunters

because it would turn into truck shopping,

a show which I would have no interest

in at all anyway,

because as an adult, I don't think

there's anything worse for me.

Maybe aside from doing taxes

is having to buy a car so much

and I don't care what I drive.

Up until last November,

my car was a 2007 Mercury Mariner.

Hold your applause.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

There's more than just me.

I see them out there.

I loved it.

But then it started acting weird.

I'm like, "Shit, I'm gonna go

have to buy a car."

And my sister, who's my height,

important to this story,

she drives a GMC Acadia. I've driven that.

I'm like, "That'll do.

I'll just go get one of those."

So I called the GMC people.

I go, "I'm coming down there

and I'm gonna pay cash

and I don't wanna... I don't wanna spend

any more than an hour.

I don't wanna talk about math

or math or math.

I don't wanna be in your play

where you go talk to some secret person.

I don't... I don't... I don't...

I'm just gonna pay

what you tell me it cost

and then I'm going to leave it.

This'll probably be the last car

I'll ever buy for all I know."

"Okay, sure. Come on down."

So I go down and Dave is my guy.

I said, "Dave, I truly don't give a shit.

I don't even care what color it is.

All I care about, Dave,

one thing, my deal breaker,

that seat has to go up electronically

because it may not look like it, Dave,

but I am actively shrinking in real time,

like, it's a thing, Dave,

like in five years,

I'm gonna be in a car seat

because for four-ten or under is the law."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I said, "Other than that, I don't care."

And he goes, "Well, you know,

you did say on the phone

that you travel a lot.

So I worked up some numbers

about leasing."

No, don't do this, Dave.

And he did it.

He just started talking about math

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

...la la la.

And at some point,

he noticed I had drifted out.

[LAUGHS]

And he goes,

"Kathleen, are you still with me?"

"No, Dave.

I quit listening like eight minutes ago."

He goes, "Well, what are you

thinking about?

Maybe I can help you." I go,

"Do you really wanna know

what I was thinking about, Dave?

Honest to God, I'll tell you

what I was thinking about,

because maybe you can help me

because, um,

I haven't figured it all out yet.

Um, I just found out that in, like, the

next,

um, few months, I'm gonna have...

I'm gonna go to do shows in

Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon,

and Medford, Oregon.

And at night,

me and the other comedian will drive,

uh, to get to the other city

and I was thinking about

what I would do if we hit a Bigfoot.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Because think about it, Dave.

You know, with COVID,

the animals are coming into town

more and they're more comfortable

and it's worth millions

and millions of dollars, Dave,

that's why you have to have a plan.

Like, you can't just react emotionally

in the moment

or you're gonna lose all your money.

So while you were talking,

I figured there's two scenarios, Dave.

Scenario A is I've hit it

and it's injured.

Oh, not good, right?

It's stuck under the wheel well like

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

then how do I explain that, Dave?

And so, I mean, I'm a wizard,

but I only have so many powers.

I can't be in charge of that.

Scenario B, Dave, is I've hit it

and it's dead.

That's a lot more of a tame scenario.

So, that's the one I would hope for.

But then you have to think, Dave,

what are you gonna do?

Like, are you gonna call the police?"

"I'm not because I don't trust the po-po.

They'll steal my Bigfoot.

I know they will.

It's worth millions

and millions of dollars.

Am I gonna post a picture on Instagram?

No. Because then the millennials

will get motivated

and they'll get up

and they'll come out there

and beat me up and steal my Bigfoot

because I will have forgotten

to turn off my location.

Am I gonna post it on TikTok?

No, because most of my people

are in a hospice

and they don't need to be

bothered with my horseshit.

So that's as far as I got, Dave.

I don't know what I will do yet,

but I know a lot of stuff I won't do

and that's how you

start a good plan for you."

He just looked at me with his eyes,

they're weird and where he goes,

"So the only thing you care about

is if the seat goes up?

"Yes, Dave."

[LAUGHTER]

All right, you guys.

I got to get out of here.

Thank you so much, Denver.

You're always the best.

Thank you.

[SINGER] ♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪

[KATHLEEN] Bye.

Bye up there.

[SINGER] ♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ What's it all about? ♪

♪ Boxed wine ♪

♪ And tiny banjos ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪♪