Kariera Nikosia Dyzmy (2002) - full transcript

THE CAREER OF NIKOS DYZMA

Death is a certainty, only the hour
is unknown, and yours was today

at 1 5:30, on the feast day of our
patron, Saint Jadwiga

which you celebrated in style.

It is written,,, Let him who is
without sin cast the first stone.,,

So is the policeman who found a
blood alcohol level of.40

free of guilt himself?
No!

That, s why I say, judge not,
lest ye be judged.

And though St. Augustine is right
when he teaches

that we came into this world with
nothing and we leave with nothing

our beloved deceased takes
with him from this world



our admiration

and you, Jadwiga

were left a widow on your day.
The feast day of

your patron saint.

And so today he says farewell to
you and those near and dear.

For him eternal peace and quiet.

You spoke real nice again Nikos.

Shucks, you really know how to

move a person.

Shucks, not even a priest and you
know the Bible real good.

I get it all from a book.

Gents...

Somebody stole the wreaths.

Did you see who?



Who can see, when Lummox is almost
blind from drinking.

He shovels dirt into the grave
without looking

by scent alone.

- What do you eat to be so funny?
- I don, t, I drink to live long.

People today eat way too much

and keep getting fatter.

Flatter?

You, re the one who, s flat.

This pay, s pretty flat, boss.

Chip in.

Geez, Wladek, one of these days
l, m going to bury you alive.

- Get that bottle from the fridge.
- It isn, t cold yet.

Let, s drink it anyway.

- I don, t like warm vodka.
- So buy yourself a freezer.

,, You earn money only on weekdays,
but you lose a week,,, it, s written.

By the debt collector.

I wish something would happen so I
wouldn, t have to drink warm vodka.

Drinking already?

Who told you to knock off?
Who said it was quitting time?

- Why, did somebody die?
- A customer died.

He has to be put in the hearse and
brought to the chapel.

Who, s going to drive the hearse if
you, re all drunk on your asses?

How many times have I told you
gentlemen don, t drink before noon?

Who, s drunk on his ass?

We, re just on the first bottle, and
what cop, s going to stop a hearse?

Hit the road, the widow, s leaving.

- Lewandowski?
- He just left.

- When, s he coming back?
- Never.

Sign for this.

Pour one for him too.

Cheers...

- Aren, t you drinking?
- It, s warm again.

Life is shitty and so is
warm vodka.

But the guy we just buried
knew how to live.

How do you know?
Did he tell you?

Listen to this class act.

His excellency Ambassador don Juan
Carlos Alameida Aguilera

invites you to a banquet at the
Corellego Palace

Eveningwear.
RSVP...

I don, t understand
a thing you said.

Let me see...

A genuine invitation.
What, d you do, steal it?

Signed for it.

Grab a tux and enjoy the party.

Me?

Are you worse than some don Juan?
At least you, II have cold vodka.

You pronounce that like the lover.

Cold?

Wait...

Hold on...

Okay.

Watch where the hell you, re
going, goddamn it!

Sorry, l, m

dashing...

What?!

Let, s go, Mr. Vice-premier.

They let shitkickers
like that in here!

Watch it there, ma, am.

Permit me to have a drink with you.

You certainly put Terkowski in
his place; he deserved it!

A brute!

A total brute, you, re right.
He, s squashed others to succeed.

Since he became Vice-premier, he, s
forgotten all his old friends!

- Vice-premier?
- In charge of privatization.

Best place to line your pockets!
But you sure told him off!

You cured him of his arrogance
like the best doctor!

- The name, s Graczyk.
- Dyzma, Nikodem.

Meet doctor Nikodem Dyzma.
Minister Jaszunski...

I heard you take care of Terkowski.
So you, re a doctor?

No way...

So, a doctor in economics!
The smartest profession these days.

If I were an economist l, d have been Premier
instead of Minister of Agriculture.

Everyone, s talking about you!
Hero of the evening!

And Terkowski?

Zero raised to any power is zero.
We know that from math.

Terkowski, s a prick.
A shame the salad was wasted.

Well said, like a real man!

Terkowski... a prick...!
A shame to waste... the salad!

- What are you laughing at?
- Allow me to introduce...

My friend, doctor Dyzma.
Senator Walewska...

Dyzma.

You know what he said?
Terkowski...

...but a shame to waste salad.

I heard, the hero of the evening.
Give me a call.

Wednesday is best, after 7:20.

You simply must tell me
about yourself.

She likes you.

Don, t forget to call her!
She, s a vindictive bitch!

She runs the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee!

I won, t forget.

I need to get some air.

Wait for me here!

Boss!

Everyone hold on, l, II
be right back!

Are you going to puke?

You know, barf.

Because if you want to barf,
l, II hold your jacket.

I guess not...
I didn, t eat the salad.

Then I have a proposition for you.

My card; I have my own company,
which is doing very well.

- Roman Klinski.
- Descendant of that Jan...

l, d like to have you on my
Board of Directors.

- What would I do there?
- You, d advise me.

I need things from the ministries
and you, d know how to get them.

- Me?
- Stop kidding!

I saw you kissing and hugging
a couple of ministers.

The lady senator almost ate you

and you stuck it to the Vice-
premier like he was an old bitch.

So who, II help me if not you?
What do you say, shake?

Totally wasted.

Shit, why are you hesitating?
You have a better option?

What good are you?

You go to a banquet and get drunk but
don, t even bring your buddies a beer.

So get your ass over to that
businessman and get some cash.

Winter, s coming and Lummox
doesn, t even have a coat.

Or shoes!

But he wants something from me;
all I do is give eulogies.

I don, t give a rat, s ass.
Just get us some cash!

Or don, t show yourself alive
again at the cemetery.

Goddamn it, Waldek!
What happened to you?

...and let us never forget

about this marvelous person

who made it possible for us to bear
the burden of our own existence...

Geez, what a load of bullshit!

And the emptiness that remains

and it, s all-embrac... embracing...

Quiet!

Shut up yourself.

Good morning.

The name, s Dyzma.
I have an appointment.

Romek... There, s some red-headed
guy here to see you.

l, m so happy you, re here.

What would you like to drink,
Cognac, whiskey, gin, wine?

A gentleman doesn, t drink
before noon...

You don, t say? I never knew.
Whiskey then? It, s 1 8 years old.

I guess you don, t like it.

It, s a bit too old.

You, re right, I also like
them younger than 1 8.

Let me show you the plant.

The whole fucking thing is mine!
You know what I started from?

Just what I was thinking...

- From nothing?
- How, d you know?

Somebody told you?
Don, t believe a word you hear!

What do you make here, glue?

Food.

Do you want to die?

- You said it was food.
- But not to eat.

- It, s a thickener.
- To make food thicker?

That, s what I sell.

- I need you.
- You make this out of people?

Funny man!

You, re just what I need, a
silver-tongued jokester.

Take a look at me...

Who do you see?

I see you.

l, II tell you who you see, a
redneck, a real shitkicker.

- You know how far I got in school?
- Fifth grade?

Now you, re making fun of me.
Eighth.

And good at that.

My mother drank, my father drank,
my uncle drank, everybody drank.

- How could I grow up right?
- You couldn,t.

- But I did.
- A miracle.

- Where were you Christmas eve,83?
- I don, t remember.

Feeding your face with carp, while
I was standing at the Pewex shop.

And in 1 984, 1 985, all those years,
no matter the weather...

to give people what they needed.

And you know what?
No gratitude!

No fucking gratitude!

Idiots get statues, but they won, t
give me a little piece of paper.

One fucking VAT tax exemption.

Of course I wanted to pay.
I know there, s no free lunch.

But they think my money, s dirty.

Because l, m not one of them.

But you, doctor, are another story.

This is for basic expenses.
I know it, s a good investment.

This is for consultation.

Well then, doctor, could I ask you
for a small favor?

Geez, you bet.

Something, s not right.
This guy gives me a pile of dough.

There are lucky guys, and things
like that happen to them.

They find a wallet in the street,
an uncle in the ahUSA dies

but l, ve never had any luck.

When I smuggled jeans to Russia,
they threw me in the can in Lwow.

Me alone, out of millions.

The Germans wanted me to smoke
20,000 cigarettes on the border.

I passed out after the fifth pack.

The only profiteer in neighborhood
caught during martial law was me.

I was dealing toilet paper then.

All my life it, s been
an uphill struggle.

You never looked this good alive.

What have I got to lose?

Hello...
l, m not shouting.

This is Dyzma, Nikos.

That, s very nice.
You, re kind as hell to say that.

Yes ma, am.

l, ve been waiting three days
for you to call.

- You naughty boy!
- I didn, t realize...

Tell me later...

Why are you jumping me?

Who am I supposed to jump?

Not so fast...
Not so rough...

But I was being gentle.

Who taught you to jump
on women like this? ...

In the scripture it is written:
,, Enter and fill her with your seed

and then wash your flesh
for it is unclean.

That, s an out-of-date
translation...

An oversight, but an
unpardonable one.

Fortunately, the senator called.

I personally reviewed
the documents

and as I see it, Mr. Kilinski, s
firm

meets all the criteria

and thus is exempt from VAT tax and
is due a refund of taxes paid.

l, ve issued a written order
to that effect.

Such an oversight...

l, m not the vindictive type.

Here is the original.

This is yours.

Your office.

I know there are better, but
this is just temporary.

Next week you, II have a Jacuzzi and
a marble-tiled bathroom

so you, II have humane conditions
for dictating to your secretary.

l, m supposed to work here?

God forbid! Oxen work.
Economists sit and think

and make one swift move like
you did yesterday for me...

l, ve been trying for two years, and
you did it in one fell swoop.

Done in 2 days.

Did you work hard?

A bit, but it was pleasant work.

Pleasant work

and nice pay.

So will you stay on as
Chairman of the Board?

80,000 to start.

How much?

You, re right... 1 00.

1 00 thousand?! ...

I know you, ve already calculated

l, II get back 4 million.

1 1 0?

Plus a car

and expense account.

All right?

l, m not hard to please.

That, s the way!
A toast to friendship?

- Romek.
- Warm...

Zosia!

l, m going to fucking fire somebody.
Who brought warm vodka?

- But you like it warm.
- Starting today I don, t!

My partners, personnel department,
security service, the Szajkowskis.

Nikodem, eulogy readings.

Didn, t I tell you he, s a real card.
A regular guy.

Fraternal twins.

Today is a great day!

The doctor arranged a tax exemption
and was named Chairman.

Now the mob can suck my...

Pick a color.

Go ahead.

I don, t know...

Don, t be fussy, they have documents
as good as originals.

I can, t drive.

Cops took it?
l, II have them give it back.

I never needed one.

l, II get you a driver too.

- Now, to the cemetery.
- Let, s buy a wreath.

They, II just steal it.

What, s up, Nikos?

Why are you all fucking dressed up
like an ostrich on Corpus Christi?

The funeral, s not till tomorrow.
Did you fuck up the dates, moron?

I didn, t fuck anything up.
You, re the one who, s a moron.

You came here to tell me that?

That, s right!

Anything else?

You bet!

What?

Fuck you.

Oh yeah?

You, re the biggest asshole,
dipstick, chump I know.

You, re even dumber than Lummox.

So fuck you, shithead!

You, re fired.

Bullshit! I quit!

Wait!

Stop!

There, s a funeral tomorrow!

Please, you have to say the eulogy!

Why?

Because everybody has
a right to be happy.

How much do you know about cars?
On a scale of 1 to 1 0.

One.

Fine, this is a car, steering
wheel, pedals, radio...

Let, s go.

Sorry, motion sickness.

- How much?
- You got them all.

How much does a license cost?

All right!

I don, t give a shit.
Here we go...

Hello, is this the help line?

I have this problem...
No, l, m not planning a suicide.

That is, I haven, t decided yet.

If you answer a few questions,
maybe I won, t kill myself.

My name, s Winnie the Pooh and
I live in the 1 00-acre wood.

You ask stupid questions,
I give stupid answers.

I don, t have an alcohol problem.

What, s that?
No, l, m sure I don, t have that.

I don, t have time for this shit!
Are you going to tell me, or not?

First, about depreciation.

So go find an economist!
l, II wait... or l, II hang myself.

l, II hang myself when I want,
not when you tell me to.

Same to you, you fat bitch!

Talk about callous.

Well?

It, s more difficult than I thought.

That much I knew.
Will they get us out of the market?

Considering long-term trends and
changes in depreciation

to net profits...

Quit bullshitting like Balcerowicz.
Talk like a normal person.

If German thickener is half
the price of mine

and they, re not making it
out of garbage...

German?

Didn, t you read the receipts?

I hadn, t actually got to them yet.

Some smart-ass figured out that
instead of buying my thickener

he, d import German stuff
that, s half the price.

So you didn, t need the exemption?
You want the money back?

Fuck no, you earned it.
But now you, ve got to help me.

It just can, t be

that a Polish businessman

has to fight
the Teutonic Knights again.

The Americans pumped money into
Germany for 40 years

Russia gave us Marx and Lenin.

How the fuck can I compete?

Many questions but few answers.
It ought to be good for everyone.

Exactly.

Good will be if they slap such a
duty on German thickener

that nobody will fucking buy it and
we, II protect a Polish product.

Otherwise we, re dead meat.

See there, we got to,, C,, .

But first l, II make canapes

Because,, C,, is a tough one.

Well then:

first Kracow style,

then cock, and then the hardest

Cossack style.

Maybe we, II get to Z by spring.

No man, s ever taken me that far.

- It may not work with me, either.
- What are you saying, my rooster?

l, ve got problems...
I may be bankrupt by spring...

That, s why you have a little hen,
who, II peck away your problems.

I have an appointment with
Minister Jaszunski.

- Your name?
- Dyzma.

Hello! Where did you disappear to?

It, s not nice to snub your friends.

- A small cognac?
- No, thanks.

I support Poland, s vodka industry.
Cognac gives me headaches.

I understand you 1 00%.
But here we can, t serve vodka.

A decree from the Premier.
Vodka breath is not ministerial.

But please sit down.

Nothing can take the place of
a good face-to-face talk.

How are things in the Senate,
going smoothly or a total fuck-up?

Who really knows?

Still the same.
Skowron still nipping ankles?

The mutt, s still biting.

That, s a good word for him, a mutt,
he, s had his ass kicked by both.

Will bring order, but you must
know one thing...

if the coalition falls apart
in the Senate Committee

it, II go to hell here too.

We, II have to turn the other
cheek,

as they say

Ms. Senator says we already have and
all we can do now is put out.

That, s our senator...
Known each other long?

Quite long.

We were together in the resistance.
What a beautiful time that was.

This was way before you, so I can
tell you I got to,, M,, .

Then my heart gave out.

The heart is not a servant.

You have a sense of humor.

I can also laugh at my past.

Our youth was not an easy one,
but it paid off.

What were you doing then?

When?

After 1 980.

I traveled, to Germany, to Russia,
did time in Lwow for smuggling.

I heard about this guy who smuggled

mimeograph machines to
the ahUkrainians.

Even more pleased to know you.

The delegation? ...Big deal.

l, m in an important meeting.

Once again we have to treat
Russians like royalty.

If they don, t buy any sugar, l, II
have to close two refineries down.

The bastards pretend to loosen up,
yet here they hang tough.

I don, t want to interrupt.

Absolutely not...

Anna mentioned something
about that thickener and

saving Polish food processing, but
I can, t levy new tariffs myself.

That, s up to the government

but the European Commission would
fuck us over royally.

Is this thickener an important
matter for our society?

Very important.

Protective tariffs won, t pass,
but I have an idea.

l, II have to work something out.
Give me a couple of days.

Right now l, ve got a problem with
excess sugar nobody, s buying.

Why don, t you come around

next weekend for a little
party for friends

with vodka, a bit of hunting,
you know, male-bonding stuff.

Tired?

I can, t go on, l, m not a rabbit.

Let, s try the tomato position.

Tomato? How, s that?

We, II lie there

with our bums touching.

Interesting, but I don, t
have the strength!

Take this.

Viagra?
Will I be able to stand this?

Don, t worry, it, II stand.

I fucking love you, Nikos...

Want to get married?

,, Given the foot and mouth epidemic
raging in certain countries

the Ministry of Agriculture is
introducing a ban

on the import of foodstuffs derived
from animal sources

including gelatin, canned beef, and
food thickening agents.,,

Nikos, we, re alive, goddamn it.
We, re fucking alive!

We, re alive, Romek.

This cost you, didn, t it?

This must have cost you
an arm and a leg.

He did it as a favor
for a friend.

These days even your wife won, t let
you fuck her as a favor.

He didn, t want anything now

but one day he, II come calling.
He deserves to get something.

He, s got a big problem with sugar
on his mind right now.

They produced too much and
nobody wants to buy it.

Sugar? ...Morons!
What sort of problem is that?

They buy the sugar from the
refinery and warehouse it.

In a year or two, when prices rise,
they, II sell it at a profit.

But where to store it?
They, d have to build warehouses.

Why the fuck build anything?

They buy it from the refinery,
but the refinery

stores it on site.

But they need money to buy it, and
Jaszunski says they don, t have any

because of some budget shortfall...

So they pay with government bonds.

It, s win-win for both sides.

The refineries have no choice and
the state will pay if they go bust.

It, s simple for you, and they
should, ve figured it out too.

If they had any fucking brains!

Look, Nikos

just listen to this simple
businessman from Lodz.

Oh doctor, l, d like

to introduce my wife.

Mr. Dyzma, a friend from when we
were in the opposition.

Finally, somebody young.

l, d always thought a bunch of old
farts started your revolution.

When we started it, you hadn, t
even been born yet!

Do you like hunting?

Because they, re all going
hunting before dawn.

I wouldn, t kill a fly.

Good, when they go off to the
woods, you, re coming with me.

Nikos, come let me introduce
you to my colleagues.

People are talking about you...

Gentlemen...

My friend

doctor Nikodem Dyzma.

How are you?!

...Vice-marshal Gradowski...

Our senator...

Minister Kropiel...

Special Services.

After your little row, Terkowski, s
been keeping a low profile.

He didn, t even attend Tuesday, s
meeting of the Cabinet.

Oh, that, s water under the bridge.

How about a little drink, gents?

- Whisky?
- That, s perfume; I prefer vodka.

He, s right!
l, II have vodka too.

Bravo, we all hate this swill, but
everyone, s ashamed to admit it.

But Dyzma doesn, t give a shit about
etiquette, and bully for him!

Give me a vodka as well.

I don, t give a shit either!
Right!

Something to munch on?

I don, t need any of that.

Make yourself at home, Nikodem.
Here, s the bar...

On wheels.

You mentioned troubles with sugar.
l, ve thought about it a bit.

There, s a way out.

Buy the sugar, but have the
refineries store it.

Pay for it with bonds.

When demand goes up, you, II
be able to sell it.

Interesting...

ahUnprofitable, the bonds would have
to pay higher interest...

But if the refineries go belly up,
the government will bear the cost.

We, II have to redeem
the bonds in 2 years;

what if demand doesn, t rise?

By then the opposition will be in
power and it, II be their problem.

An excellent idea.
Can we present it together?

Of course.

Cigar?

Montecristo Habana.
This isn, t ours.

You, d prefer ours?

I prefer everything that, s Polish.

Problem is, the only good thing
we have are Polish girls.

Even our vodka isn,t.

The best brand.

Don, t like it?

I don, t know what it is

but I can, t take foreign things.

After all, every Pole has
a Polish constitution.

Well said.
I like that.

Concise and forceful!
I like you very much.

Gentlemen?
Dinner is served!

After dinner, we, II change clothes
and go to the forest.

No flirting!
Take the stew to the barn!

And put two cases of vodka on ice.

Hurry up now!

l, m so glad you don, t hunt.
You, re so different.

The girls asked about you and I
promised l, d introduce you.

They, re getting very excited,
even horny l, d say.

Maybe I should be jealous, after
all you are our guest.

But where did he find you?

All his friends are so boring!

You, re a young, famous economist;
better than Balcerowicz, they say.

You have a great future
ahead of you.

Thanks, I always end up
hungry at parties.

By the time I get round to eating,
they, ve cleared the tables.

Who, d like an unfiltered Albanian?
They go best with vodka.

Like our,, Sporty,, used to.
Like the old days.

I hope you, re not going to say
the,, good,, old days.

The good days were when
we were young.

Remember the smells and the colors?

You must be thinking of the color
of the parade banners.

Oh bullshit.

Nobody, s going to tell me that cola
is better than our old orangeade.

That was shit. Plain, carbonated
water with artificial color.

It fucked up your liver worse than
30 years of drinking vodka.

They made us drink it so we
wouldn, t live to see retirement.

What the fuck has gotten into you?

What do you think about all this?
Did you graduate under Communism?

No one can take away all the
trouble we once caused.

I was poor, like everyone.
Tough luck.

Now, so much affluence around,
and l, m still poor.

You, re full of shit, but
I like you anyway.

But you know, doctor

there, s a lot of sense in
what you, re saying.

You, shut the fuck up.
You weren, t poor at all!

Is that any way to speak
to a minister?

Who was the dormitory stoolie?
Who bought others with bubble gum?

You, re drunk!

- Watch your fucking mouth.
- What the fuck will you do?

Shoot me?

You can, t even shoot and
you, re Special Services Minister.

I studied foreign trade, now l, m
head of the Customs Service.

Ashamed of my qualifications?

Who, s in charge of the army?
A Phys. Ed. Teacher!

Who, s Minister of the Treasury?
A mechanic!

Who heads up Health?
A dentist!

While I speak 3 languages, perfect
Romanian, and end up in Customs!

Friends...

l, II be Premier one day.

Weren, t you Transportation
Minister?

The trains got all fucked up

when you reformed the timetables.

One more round.

I can, t hit shit when l, m sober,
but I never miss when l, m drunk.

Don, t worry, word is you, II be
named Minister of Culture.

Fuck that!
That, s a dead end position.

It should be quite a pleasant one
once we, re in the European ahUnion.

Ministry of the Culturally
Disadvantaged.

When I add everything up
I always end up saying

that what I miss the most are

colorful fairs and
cheap tin watches...

Wait here doctor while
I get you a drink.

This is incredible, l, m sure
it, II knock you for a loop.

It, s made with tropical fruit.

Last week, a certain minister went
totally out of his mind.

But l, ve had a lot to drink today.

You deigned to visit our club?

What club?

Our sports club,,,21,, .

The oldest one here is 28.

The youngest of our husbands is 49.

The generation gap is 21.

We, re all interested in sports.

Diving, recreation, that, s why
we formed this club.

But we could use a new trainer.

l, m no good at sports.
l, ve always been sickly.

But I was always a great fan.
You, ve got him, don, t you?

I can, t be a trainer.
l, m the lifeguard.

What, s going on?
Give those hemorrhoids a rest, pal.

l, m waiting for an important
phone call.

Yes sir, I understand.
l, II be there.

You can do it, Nikos.
Poland is counting on you.

What is it?

Zosia

l, m leaving.

Remember that idea of buying the
sugar from the refineries?

Sure...

Well it worked... and how!

Romek!

,, Polish Sugar,,, a new state agency
is formally being created today.

I am pleased to appoint doctor
Nikodem Dyzma as its director.

Congratulations and I hope
that this nomination

will bring new opportunities for
Poland, s sugar producers.

I won, t try to disappoint you.

l, m glad to hear that.

We, II be working together, so drop
by whenever you feel like it.

My wife, Jadzia, likes you too.

My sincerest congratulations.

Nikos, Nikos...

Congratulations.

Congratulations, I really mean it.

Well it, s time to get to work and
start your background check.

Background check?

All officials have it done.
We, ve all been through it.

You have nothing to fear.
Your conscience is clear.

Practically unused.

Good morning, director, allow me
to introduce myself.

Porazinski, Klemens.
l, II be your assistant.

Miss Wanda will be your secretary.

Let, s go to the conference room,
the reporters are waiting.

l, ve come here to save
Polish sugar.

l, m a little nervous. Even though
l, ve often spoken in public.

As a child I was brought up so

that everything Polish always
tasted good to me

because it, s best for us, our
bodies are best adapted for it.

Everything else is harmful to us.

The best proof is that Polish
willow trees wither in India

and our Polish composer, Chopin,
died of consumption in France.

I myself get ill after cognac, but
Polish vodka always tastes good.

I hope it does to you too.

Office...

You told them what they
wanted to hear.

It, s true what they say, you have
the instincts of a politician.

It, s no surprise that both radio
and television was here.

All right!
What now?

We, re going to your new house.

The living room, office...

bedroom...

Welcome to your official residence,
from the Secret Service staff.

Introducing me, Frania,
the gardener

and the Secret Service, your
closest co-workers.

This way please...

Pond, bridge, fish and garden.

Billiard room all set.

Sir, the acceptance protocol.

How about a game?

But get me some different cues.

I have plenty, I want you
to have plenty too!

All right!

- Where do you want this?
- Is there a lot of it?

- Another 50 cases.
- Open the morgue.

- There must be 500 liters!
- 500 liters for the two of us!

That, s a year, s worth!

It, s you.

Not here...

- Why didn, t you come to the house?
- You said it was urgent...

But not here, our business is
not of a business nature.

Exactly, unfortunately.
Now we are also officially a team.

I think it will be awkward for us
to continue seeing each other

at least at the start of
my work at the Agency.

Are you nuts?
What sort of nonsense is that?

It, II be best that way, really.

Wait a minute.

Are you switching
parties, Director?

Of course not, I must temporarily
refrain from voting, is all.

In that case, I look forward
to your call.

He hit me...

Nikos!

It, s been a long time,
for God, s sake.

- Hey man, you got a new car.
- It came with the job.

Help, police!
Robbery!

Relax, these boys are
old friends.

l, m into car theft now, but
I didn, t know it was you.

It, s for two Russian clients.
You, re not pissed off, are you?

Give us a kiss, then.

l, m glad you, re here

I need your help.

Anything you need.

You in tight with the police?

Those dogs? What a question!
I might as well be a breeder

l, ve got so many on the take.

The important ones too?

Look, I don, t want to brag, but the
President, s pardoned me 3 times.

What about from the
previous regime?

Secret police people?
Sure, whoever you want.

Someone who can move mountains,
that, s who I need.

Major Borewicz?

Let, s say.
It, s about fabricating

a dossier for me.
It must say I fought for democracy

that I smuggled printing
paper to ahUkraine

that I suffered for my
steadfast beliefs.

And that you guys imprisoned me

you, or the Russians.

And that you tried to recruit me as
a spy, but I wouldn, t do it.

Shall I repeat it?

I must be dreaming.
A file like that these days?

- You, re a politician?
- Let, s say.

If you, re counting on making a
career, it, d be better to burn

a file like that, if it existed.

My career, s not for political
achievements; l, m an expert.

I need a dossier because someone
did burn mine not long ago.

If you weren, t a friend of the,, S,,
brothers, l, d think you were weird.

People come to me to
clean up their files

not create new ones.

This is a special order.

The fee is special too.

My daughter, s getting married.

Congratulations.

To some penniless guy, and they
don, t have a place to live.

They do now.
l, II buy them the furniture too.

Good.

Just in case, I had nothing
to do with this.

Me neither.

Oh you...

Mr. Porazinski...

Have him come in.

Good morning.
How are we feeling today?

So-so.
What, s up?

Most important is the matter of
opening our bank account.

The subsidies will be sent directly
to the account we specify.

I took the liberty of
presenting you with

several options to choose from.

They are described in detail in the
papers I left on your desk.

My desk?

Yes sir.

Mr. Porazinski!

I respect you, but we have to get
some things straight between us.

I can, t work this hard.

If I had to read everything, I
wouldn, t have time to take a piss.

I trust you, don, t I?

Well then, go ahead and
trust yourself.

Take on some of the responsibility
for running the Agency.

Everything will be fine.
Take care of that bank, Okay?

Anything else?

Is it safe?

Very.

Tea?

Let, s skip the small talk.

I don, t need it; it needs
to be given to others.

Sure, but I thought you wanted
to see who you are.

I know who I am.
Now they have to find out.

There aren, t any surprises
in there?

As we agreed: educated in the ahUSA,
prison in Lwow, a Solidarity hero.

Witnesses are arranged too.

Very, very impressive.

I don, t have to write poetry in
English, just sound good.

And I need to understand a little.

If someone insults me, I need to
know when to punch his lights out.

And vice versa,

I want to know when
a woman, s coming on to me.

All that in two months, just like
in the advertisement.

There are limits to human
perception.

So you play people for suckers
with that ad of yours?

No, no.

It, s just that people absorb
information at different rates.

l, m a quick study.

Now me?

How?

Dyzma.

Let, s try something easier.

That, s the easiest.

l, m already getting tongue-tied.
Can, t we do it normally?

You, re the one who wanted to learn.

Wanted, shmanted... I have to.
Go on.

I know, that, s a ball-point pen...

...made by,, Red.,,
- No.

Don, t repeat it, I grasp
concepts right away.

Mr. Porazinski.

Thank you, sir...

What, s new?

This is bullshit!

Who, s going to believe
I was a gravedigger?

I know it, s nonsense,
but who, s behind it?

There, s no shortage of idiots
in this world.

Somebody doesn, t like you.
The editor called me...

Luckily it, s the Commie paper and
not one of the tabloids.

And listen to this pseudonym

Wladeczek.

I could kill you!

If not for you, I would, ve drowned.

See there, moron!
But you write such shit about me.

What shit?
I wanted to write your biography.

What is it you want?

For all people to be equal.

Downtrodden people of
the earth, rise up...

Specifically?

I saw you on television.

Me and Lummox.

- Are you nuts, on television?
- How are things going for you?

Pretty good, huh?
Forgotten about your old buddies?

Fuck you.
l, ve forgotten?

How, d you get so drunk, shithead?
That, s my vodka you, re drinking.

Okay, you gave the vodka.
But I have ambitions.

Like in that Chinese fairy tale.

Give a poor man a fish, he, II eat
it and soon be hungry again.

But give him vodka...

a fishing rod, and he, II
catch his own fish.

You want vodka or fishing gear?
I don, t do rods and reels.

You, re a real redneck, but
you, ve got a good heart.

You, ve got a pretty good job.
Arrange something for me too.

I have ambitions, not like Lummox.

Do you realize how much you, II
be able to do now?

More than some jerk-off minister.
They can stick it now.

How much are they paying you?

6,000.

Well, the homeland, s really
going all out!

Do you get an allowance for cigarettes?
Reduced bus fare?

This is about service and honor.

You know what...

Honor in front, bare ass behind; if
I didn, t know you, l, d believe it!

But I won, t let you die there.

I wanted to thank you
for your help.

I know two positions would be a
conflict of interest.

But remember, there, s a cash-filled
envelope waiting for you here.

l, d like it to be honest...

Of course...
No one will find out.

I don, t want you to pay me,
just give my friend a job.

Pretty smart, formally everything
is his, and we, re clean.

- Where is he?
- Waiting.

Fuck it Zosia, is someone there?
Send him in.

A friend from college?

From the same class.

Sit down.

Jan Waldeczek.

Businessman.

What a fucked up way
to make a living.

Everyone with brains got out
a long time ago.

Pusiek cashed in his chips 2 years
ago and retired to the tropics.

Or Jojo, bought a refinery in
Israel, where they call him Rabbi.

Rabbi Jojo.

While l, like a fucking idiot, sit
here building Polish capitalism.

Patriot-idiot!
Are you also a patriot?

I love the People, s homeland.

An old school patriot!
Here, s the deal.

l, m into shoes now.
Italian.

Beautiful leather.

The company that buys the shoes
now belongs to Mr. Wladeczek.

What, s the problem here?

The farmers brought the sugar they
were contracted for.

Contracted for...

That the refinery ordered from them
a year ago and ought to buy now.

But they can, t buy it, because
they spent the money last year

and are nearly bankrupt.

Didn, t they sell last year, s?

It was too expensive.
Imported sugar was cheaper.

So, let them lower the price.

They sold it cheaper, but weren, t
paid, and that, s why they, re broke.

So let them buy the cheaper
foreign sugar and exchange

it for the expensive domestic stuff
and sell it abroad...

What the fuck am I saying?

Well we, ve really stepped in it...

People! Quiet! Quiet!
Look here!

These aren, t the hands of an office
jockey, they, ve worked hard!

Give me that soapbox!

My name, s Dyzma

and I agreed to be Ddirector
to help people like you!

People just like me!

Those gents in their offices think
we, II let them treat us like sheep.

But I say to them, never!

Because we are the salt in
the wound of this earth.

Because the Bible says,,, An eye for
an eye, tooth for tooth... ,,

And that, s the honest payment we, re
going to demand for your sugar!

Long live the Director

savior of Poland, s farms.

How was it?

Brilliant, as usual, telling them
what they wanted to hear.

Most importantly, they agreed to
move the payment deadline back.

Now l, m waiting for money from you.

Money? If they manage to print
them, we, II pay in bonds.

That, s the reason our
agency exists.

But l, ve got a subsidy
all arranged!

Minister Jaszunski allocated 6
million last spring

and even sent the first payment.

but the whole thing went to
the minister, as arranged.

But I was supposed to pay the
farmers from the next payments!

Went back to the minister?
You returned it to him?

No, to an account in Luxemburg,
as usual!

For what?
Cheaper foreign sugar?

I won, t allow buying abroad.
That, s full of shit.

You described that very well.
We, II discuss it on the way back.

Well then, all taken care of...

After the management meeting,
Director Dyzma,

the person chosen by the premier to
save Poland, s sugar industry,

successfully headed off a conflict.

By what means?

We, re going to protect Polish sugar
and fight foreign competition.

They say the money from the
Ministry goes to a Luxemburg bank.

We won, t tolerate such fraud.
l, as Director, can assure you.

Excuse us we have a meeting
with the Premier.

Wasn, t that a bit hasty?

You got upset because the matter
is indeed shocking

but taking a bribe is a very
serious accusation...

Hold on a minute...
What are you trying to say?

Who accused anyone of bribery?
I certainly didn, t!

According to the proverb, it, s not
about giving the poor man a fish

it, s about giving him a rod so
he can catch his own fish.

That, s why we must support Polish
sugar, support all that is ours

and give Poles vodka...
fishing gear.

In his presentation, Director Dyzma

calmed down the angry planters by
promising to protect Polish farmers

and their livelihoods.

Dyzma convinced everyone that he
means business and is tackling

problems in the sugar industry

when in an interview he told us

that payments from refineries go to
the Minister of Agriculture, s

private bank account in Luxemburg.

They say the money from the
Ministry goes to a Luxemburg bank.

We won, t tolerate such fraud.
l, as Director, can assure you.

Jesus Christ...

My husband, s a real rat.
He told me to meet with you...

He wants me to find out
what you, re up to.

Are you accusing him on TV for
money, or to destroy the coalition?

Tell him anything you want.
I don, t give a shit about him.

Our life wasn, t to be like this.
Before I met him

I lived in a tiny village where
the bus came once a day.

My folks had two hectares and a cow
while I wore mom, s hand-me-downs.

One day showed up in his limousine;
he, d lost his way

and he stopped to ask directions.
I was feeding the geese.

He was Minister of Health then and
didn, t know a duck from a goose.

He asked about my ducks, I laughed
and he said I had a pretty smile.

He said I could keep feeding those
ducks or go with him.

If l, d stayed, l, d probably
have two kids by now

and a husband who was a drunk.

Here, l, m a free woman;
l, ve gotten used to being

a Minister, s wife, although
it does have its bad side

once they get power,
they become impotent.

l, m only 24, and it, s the same
with all my girlfriends.

Not only wives, but lovers too.
So weird, not able to bang a lover!

They say authority takes
power out of your balls.

so don, t get into politics...

Eat something before
it gets cold...

I always eat it when it, s cold.

I invited you here because

we in the Special Services are
always aware of wiretaps.

I have good news.
Our people have found your dossier.

Really?
Well, well.

They, d tried to deep six it, but we
got hold of a person...

I don, t need to explain our
operational methods.

But you, re clean as a whistle.
l, II go even further.

You have a file that even
l, m jealous of.

Give me a club, Romek...

I can, t figure out how it is
that we hadn, t met earlier.

I was like, totally underground.

Exactly.
Have you read today, s papers?

- No.
- Maciek, paper!

You, re number 3 in the ranking of
most-popular politicians.

Ahead of Nielot, even.

That, s why we want
to talk to you.

Listen...

you, ve got to work with the
coalition on things like Jaszunski.

I understand that sometimes things
get a bit out of hand

but in politics, teamwork is what
counts, not individual players.

Jaszunski hasn, t responded,
so we can sacrifice him.

But remember, the Premier likes
to be the first to know.

That, s why he, s called,, Premier.,,

This is a serious accusation and
the prosecutor is investigating...

The accusations are baseless.
There is no account in Luxemburg.

He, s lying.

Wouldn, t you?

This is nonsense; we, II wait for
the results of the investigation

which will prove my innocence.

In light of these charges,
do you plan to resign?

Now you, ve hurt my Polish pride.

A Pole never resigns.
He mans his post until the end!

We, re going to have to
cut him loose.

When I was interned

I was given unsweetened tea.

Even if these charges were proven

then I deserve compensation for
20 years of bitter tea.

That Dyzma...

It, s hard to trust him.

He, s a political troublemaker.

What, s he got against Jaszunski?

Attacking a person, without reason?

He has a reason, sir.

Political?

Personal, fortunately; he, s having
an affair with his wife.

That, s something else.

We, Il, you, ve reassured me.

Welcome to another political
,, Free Ring,, program

where guests comment on recent
social and political events.

Today, s first story is the
Nikodem Dyzma phenomenon.

I brought you something to drink.

I always dreamed there, d be cold
vodka when I felt like a drink.

But I never dreamed someone
would be bringing it to me.

Oh, how sentimental!
I think l, II have a drink too.

Tonight in the studio we, re talking
to his supporters and opponents.

Vice-Premier Maciej Terkowski...

Good evening.

Chairman, Slawomir Trendowaty

and Director Graczyk.

Typical here-today, gone-tomorrow
politician.

Dyzma will disappear from the scene
as quickly as he appeared.

He, s empty as fluff, with no
knowledge or political backing.

That arrogant fucking asshole!

How, s this country supposed to be
normal with jerks like him?

I don, t agree, Mr. Dyzma has
political backing in our party.

The Vice-Premier, s opinion is more
a negative personal one

than an objective appraisal.

I protest against such statements.

They are biased remarks as Mr.
Dyzma isn, t liked by

traitors to Poland as he defends
all that is Polish

including our farmers
and workers.

Mr. Dyzma will always have
a place on our ballot

...second place.

The government says it can, t raise
duties on cheaper grain or food

but it, s not like that at all.

Let them scream overseas,
but during that time

Polish farmers will breathe easier

and Poles will be convinced that

Polish means better, healthier,
and tastier!

Finally a guy with balls,
not some limp-dick.

They, II bust his ass like they, ve
done to other decent types.

Not like that, idiot!
You, II end up killing them.

Haven, t you ever fed swans?
What, d you do when you were young?

I studied.

I mean really young.

Same thing; music school, English,
swimming, Young Economists Club.

- Did you play ball?
- Water...

Must, ve been heavy as hell.
I used one pumped with air.

Maybe we should get back?

Let, s talk here

we in the Special Services are
always aware of wiretaps.

When you talk like that, does it
mean a good mood, or bad?

Haven, t you figured that out yet?
Why, d you even go to Oxford?

When I look at you. I ask
myself the same thing.

Good, maybe you, II finally
learn something from me.

Because your generation is
neither here nor there.

All you care about is money.

We used to eat beets, but we had
the big beat, rock, n roll.

At your age I had hair down to here...
The priest said cut it, but I...

Is there something you want for me,
or do you just need a whipping boy?

Tell me...

What, s going to come of all this?
Because l, m completely lost...

What?
You do what you have to.

We, re all cogs in a machine.

We move, so the world can.

Everyone has their
assigned place...

I think so too, I think so too.

Knock-off time, Kaziu,
let, s go home.

Nurse...

What are you shouting for?

Am I still alive?

Who, s speaking now?

Me?

Everything, s going to hell since
the reforms, even imported.

You ought to buy Polish made.

Maculewicz has to leave.

How could you have allowed this?
They, re manipulating you.

They blackmail by threatening to
resign and destroy the coalition.

The coalition, s going
to hell anyway.

The boys don, t want to work with
those hyenas any longer.

- Jesus, the government will fold.
- Think about the Party.

And Dyzma, s been causing
trouble again.

He didn, t do anything,
they tried to kill him.

Doesn, t matter, the papers
are writing about it.

Who was behind the attempt? ...

I don, t know yet, but l, m sure
he pissed off the Mafia.

He, s honest.

- Like each of us.
- In our own way.

Non-aligned, an expert, ideal
for today, s times.

Redheaded, untrustworthy.

But no one will accuse him
of being a Jew.

Because he has red hair?
What about Judas?

Judas was a Christian.

Gentlemen, the government, s falling
apart and you, re...

Hang Maculewicz!

The police continue their search
for assassins of Nikodem Dyzma

a politician who has lately been
enjoying increasing popularity.

As we, ve learned, several theories
are being considered

the most likely of which
is said to be

that it was revenge of business
interests connected to the Mafia.

Dr. Dyzma, s life is no longer

in any danger.

Since they say everything
is okay on TV...

Only the good die young.
Who did this to you?

They said on TV that it was
my political enemies.

You have them?

What about Terkowski?

My husband says that it
had to be your friends.

Who, s he to be so smart?

Vice-Premier of the Economy,
or something like that.

- I wasn, t asking about...
- He was joking, you idiot.

Friends of mine sent me a bomb
instead of flowers?

You, re more valuable after it,
so it was a favor.

I was almost the next politician
without any balls.

- Never!
- Stop it, l, m injured.

Mine says you were unlucky.

The papers would, ve written
about you for a month

but the Dyzma festival, s
about to end.

In two days they, re raising the
prime rate and that, II be news.

Boy, Luska, you are such a blonde.

You can lift your tits, or
tighten up your cheeks

but the prime rate is the best
and so it can, t go any higher.

Hold on! ...l, m a bleached blonde,
but she was born that way.

I mean prime interest rate.

- L, m talking about money.
- Stupid slut!

- What, d you say, bitch?
- Shut up.

This is a state hospital.
Time to go home...

Madzia,

Terkowski, s your man,
you, II have to take care of him.

l, II pull a few strings.

They write that you are perhaps the
only barrier in the way

of a rising populist tide...

Well it can, t be like that!
Tell me when they, re taking photos.

l, d have prepared.
Now my eyes look like a rabbit,s.

How, s the firm, hasn, t fallen apart
in my absence has it?

I arranged a cheap loan.

Is it important that they, re
raising the prime rate?

- First l, ve heard.
- L, m telling you, in 2 days.

How do you know?

None of your business, and
l, ve forgotten already.

If it, s for sure, l, m selling our
shares, factories, dollars...

l, ve got to run.

Basin?
Rubber ducky?

Rubber ducky.

A state hospital!

Sir, we, ve got the person who tried
to kill you with that bomb.

- The police caught him?
- They, re in our custody for now.

Go check the seat.

Let him check for bombs.
That, s what he, s good for... Oxford!

- What about that bomber?
- What should we do?

What do you mean?
Rip his balls off.

We, ve got who ordered it, but
we can, t rip his balls off.

- Why not?
- Because it, s a woman.

Senator Anna Walewska.

Get out!

You think you can leave me like a
used rag, you piece of shit?

- I could, ve died.
- The state would, ve buried you.

Careful, my friends don, t do
just any odd job.

What friends?
Those other gravediggers?

One of them is writing a book
for my publisher...

Jan Wladeczek.

You are ruthless.

Didn, t they warn you?

Wladeczek, s causing trouble.
He has to be gotten rid of.

Yes sir!

Everything, s going to hell.

,, There are days of joy and harvest
and days of sorrow and failure.,,

Is that from the Bible?

No, the Farmer, s Almanac.

The coalition crisis is sure to
lead to the fall of the government

and maybe even the collapse of
Parliament and early elections...

Frania...

Shall I bring the vodka?

Sure thing, let, s get drunk.

Today brought two changes
in the Cabinet

Jan Jaszunski, the Minister of
Agriculture, resigned

without giving any reason
while Vice-Premier

The Premier dismissed Maciej
Terkowski today

and appointed ambassador to the
African republic of Burkina Faso.

Frania, bring that vodka!
Things may not be so bad after all!

Are you gentlemen sure he, s
a trustworthy man

who won, t disappoint us?

What do you have on him,
Minister Kropiel?

Nikodem Dyzma, parents unknown.
In orphanage till the age of 1 8.

After trying to get an education,
became a petty thief and swindler.

In conflict with the law first time
at age 1 7

for stealing pigeons.

In 1 987 he stole a man, s pension
money but guilt wasn, t proven.

We don, t have anything serious.
He, s not a safe candidate.

We won, t be able to control him.
He, II be able to pull a stunt...

Do we have any choice?
Everyone else is discredited.

We, II never hang on to power
without someone new.

If I know people, and I do,
they, II buy him.

We have too much to lose.
l, m not convinced.

It, s too great a risk.

Someone to see you...

l, ve left him

because when he stopped being
Minister, our deal was over.

He was Minister when he married me,
I have witnesses, my parents

to whom he said,,, l, m a Minister
and I want to marry your daughter.,,

So when he stopped being Minister,
I stopped being his wife.

So I told him it was over and that
I wouldn, t demand much alimony

because the person I was leaving
him for and who I was in love with

is director of a government agency
and will soon be Minister

and will one day be able to support
me and my child

because I want to have a child,
that, s normal at my age...

May I?

Could you lie down?

Help!
Nikos! Nikos!

Help me, someone!
Someone help me!

The Premier just called and asked
that you come right away.

Hang Maculewicz!

- What, s up?
- Stay cool...

Hello sir, here in this place
l, d like to ask

for the hand of Minister
Jaszunski, s wife, his ex-wife...

It, s even better.
The premier ought to be married...

Mr. Dyzma, do you have any idea
why l, ve asked you here?

We have to resolve the government
crisis and we have a plan

which involves you, so we need your
agreement to implement it.

According to this plan, the entire
government will resign and l, II

suggest to the President that he
entrust you with forming a new one.

Which means what?

Which means, Nikos, that you
are to be the new Premier!

Me, Premier?

So that, s your plan?
Sit down, Jadzia!

Just what do you think?
That l, m your puppet, is that it?

That you, II be able
to pull my strings?

That you can do what you want?
That you, II give me a good position

a lot of money, a luxury home, with
billiard room, pool and limousine?

That you, II control me with
all this prosperity?

You want to get ensnared,
like a fly seeking honey?

It, s true, we have to admit.
That, s what we thought.

And good thinking!

You, II have a Premier the likes of
which you never dreamed of!

All right!

Come, Jadzia!

Long live Dyzma!
Long live Dyzma!

Subtitles by Roger Domagalski