Kanpuriye (2019) - full transcript
The story revolves around the story of three boys from the small town of Kanpur, who have big dreams, and even bigger challenges.
A hundred years ago, the Britishers
called me Cawnpore.
The Manchester of India.
People would die
to come here.
After Independence though
the English ways made way
for the not-so-English.
And from Cawnpore,
I became Kanpur.
The city roads are puzzling
and so are the minds of the people here.
It's a city of madcaps.
In fact, I am now the national capital
of wackos.
After all these years,
nothing is the same anymore.
No one is eager to come here anymore.
They are rather in a rush
to leave this place.
Since we are talking about it,
let me amuse you with a story.
It's actually a story
having three heroes.
And watch out!
Here comes our first hero.
Hey, man! Watch where you spit!
CLEAN INDIA
ONE STEP TOWARDS CLEANLINESS
Why don't you watch where you halt?
It's a pain to even argue with you.
DAYANAND ANGLO VEDIC COLLEGE
KANPUR
Students, I hope you know that
cooking vegetables on a low heat
ensures that their iron content
remains intact.
Just like... Whose phone is ringing?
Don't you know that
you can't use your phone in college?
Give me your phone.
Is your tap really that faulty?
Where are you?
I have been waiting for half an hour.
Are you interested in home science
more than me?
Hey, Mr. Plumber.
Please hold on for another ten minutes.
Your customer's class
is about to get over.
Do I look like a plumber to you?
You could have saved my
name as "Hrithik Roshan."
What if Dad comes to know about us?
If he does,
he'll make sure we break up.
You are such a fool.
Yes, I am!
I'm a fool for you!
I'm madly in love with you.
I told you that today is special.
I took a half-day leave from work.
I tend to lose my mind over you,
and your home science doesn't help.
I see.
We roam around the streets
Like carefree lovebirds
I spend all my time with you
So that I can express my love to you
Neither you nor I
Can deny the will of the heart
When you are in love
Nothing else matters
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you
Why have you got me here?
What are you doing?
Don't ruin your trousers.
Just hold this for a second.
Give it back to me.
Can I say it now?
I can bring you stars and the moon.
I can move mountains for you.
You are the most important to me.
You are the love of my life.
Yuck!
Why don't you shit on my love?
Why don't you rent a room instead?
It would just be Rs. 200 an hour.
Why don't I slap you instead?
To heck with you!
Bulbul, please listen to me.
Everyone thinks that I'm an idiot
and you are way out of my league.
But I'll get married only to you.
Ours will be Kanpur's
number one love story.
Will you be my best half?
-No.
-Why not?
You spend your entire day with me.
Then, why won't you agree?
-No.
-Hold this.
Forget about them!
Let them take a dump out there.
Take this.
I've got a ring for you.
No, Jaitun.
Why not?
No! No! No!
Do you use Snapchat?
No, sir.
Jaitun Mishra.
What does your name mean?
It's green in colour and is
known as olives in English.
-We get Vitamin E from it.
-Oh, wow!
Is that why both of you were
exchanging vitamins out there?
Sir, I was going to propose to her.
Why don't you show it to me?
How do you propose?
But you are a man.
In Mumbai, men propose to each other.
All you young Romeos just want
to have fun before marriage.
Sir, mind your words!
We are serious about each other.
You scumbag!
Don't act too smart!
I am way smarter than you.
Get me?
-Babulal.
-Yes, sir?
Hit him between the legs
and teach him a lesson.
Contact the girl's parents.
Why do you want to call them?
We can sort it right here.
I'll squat in this position
for an hour.
How does that matter to us?
Sir likes eating pizza.
Let us order some pizzas.
Will you guys have some?
PRISON FOR MEN
Shall I order cheese burst pizza?
Let's have some pizza before we leave.
Nonsense!
I thought you must be hungry.
Can I say something?
Dad will be very happy.
He will be blessed
with a caring daughter-in-law.
Is your special day over?
"I can move mountains for you."
Come along if you want,
but I am leaving.
LAMPAT HARAMI AND COMPANY
Harami! Harami!
You must be thinking that
he is the second hero.
But no.
That's wrong.
Greetings to the big-hearted
and the stingy people as well!
He is not the hero.
He is the villain to our second hero.
The baddie. The rascal.
In short, the Godfather.
-How are you all?
-Awesome!
I went to America two days ago.
I ate quite a lot of meat.
Here's what I asked the waiter.
I asked him about the difference
in the prices for butter chicken.
The rates were Rs. 100
Rs. 60 and Rs. 10 per plate
respectively.
The chicken served at Rs. 10
had AIDS.
I ordered five of it.
After all, I didn't have to
make love to the chicken.
That's right.
I can see some new faces.
The youth of the nation!
But the youth create a dilemma.
-They start seeing it every now and then.
-What?
-My son saw it last night.
-What?
Dream!
They dream way more
than they can ever achieve.
If everyone becomes famous,
-what will all the infamous people do?
-Right!
So, I slapped him!
And there went his dream.
Let us talk about our city.
Kanpur...
We might be short of electricity,
but there is no shortage of garbage
at every nook and corner.
That's why I like America.
It is a neat and clean place.
You can kiss on the roads
as well as use guns out there.
That's why I am leaving for America
with my lady love, Kohinoor.
No! No! No!
Kohinoor won't go anywhere.
She belongs to me!
Kohinoor, my darling,
your lover boy is sitting right here.
Fine!
The plan for America stands cancelled.
So, gentlemen, in Banaras,
just like we have the sweet motichoor
please welcome with kisses
the luscious Kohinoor!
-Here she comes!
-Kohinoor!
It hurts a lot
In my heart
It hurts a lot
In my heart
I am like a sweet poison
I can bring down hell on you
I am like a sweet poison
I can bring down hell on you
I don't believe in wooing
I believe in authentic love
I don't believe in wooing
I believe in authentic love
Take my life...
Golu.
Take this.
When did you prepare chicken?
Couldn't you give it to me earlier?
Jugnu prepared it.
This is his recipe.
There is a huge college in Mumbai.
It's a two months' course.
It will cost Rs. 50,000.
You've started dreaming again!
Didn't I ask you to stop cooking food?
Where are the magazines I got you?
Yes...
When will you read these?
When will you read all this pulp?
I am talking to you!
My knee starts hurting
when I stand on the stage.
Why don't you do some filler acts?
When will you do it?
Your stage disgusts me.
Take my life
My love is of the diabetic kind...
Listen to me.
This too is a form of art.
It's a kind of talent.
I learnt it from my father.
He learnt it from his father.
You can learn it from me.
Do you want me to
show my talent
in front of this riff-raff?
What do you mean?
Only rich people
have the right to be entertained?
Not them?
My love is of the diabetic kind
Take my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
Even I am a stand-up comedian.
Anyway, meet him.
He is the third hero of our story.
And as unlucky as the other two.
You might want to know why.
DISTRICT COURT, KANPUR
He is going to fight his first case
as a lawyer.
And in this case, he is not just a lawyer,
but a criminal too.
Did you get it? No?
SHANKAR SAXENA
DISTRICT COURT JUDGE – KANPUR
Let's go in.
May I come in, sir?
Are you coming in
for the first time?
Please come in.
-Vijay Dinanath Chauhan.
-Yes, sir.
Where is your lawyer?
Who is the accused?
Sir, it's me.
It must be tough,
Mr. Vijay Dinanath Chauhan.
Mr. Shukla, please proceed with the case.
Hello!
Good morning.
I am sorry, sir.
I was at Lampat Harami's show
last night.
I am ready.
Let's start.
My client, Prem Kumari Parihar,
has mentioned in her complaint
that Vijay Dinanath Chauhan
tried to molest her and undress her
in front of her father.
He should be subjected
to IPC Sections 294,
299...
and Sections 323, 504 and 506
for assaulting her.
Would you like to say anything?
Yes. Sir, he is full of rubbish.
I mean, I am sorry, sir.
This is not the truth.
It was a minor accident.
And it wasn't just my fault.
Hence, the mention of IPC Section 294...
At least stand up while you talk.
Yes. Sorry.
Sorry, sir.
According to Article 226,
this is a false case.
It is my humble appeal, sir,
that this case should be...
-quashed, sir.
-What?
"Quashed." I mean it should be dismissed.
Do not try teach me English.
-No, sir.
-I would like to say that
Article 226...
Article 226...
Sir, I'll tell you about it.
He used to be a script writer
for mythological TV shows.
Only later, he became a lawyer.
I can guarantee it after listening
to all his bullshit since morning.
-And he is a fool. Silly man!
-Hey, boy! What are you saying?
-I am speaking the truth.
-What do you know about law?
-How dare you say that?
-You're a fool...
Don't you dare mess with me!
Shut up the two of you! Keep quiet!
How can you behave like this?
Your case will be shut
if I put you both in jail.
-Vijay Dinanath Chauhan.
-Yes, sir?
Please get some evidence or a witness
at the next hearing.
-Okay, sir.
-Or else, you won't get a bail.
What?
Sir.
Sir, this is my first case.
Please be lenient.
I am from your college...
2017 batch.
Yes, sir.
Are you here to fight your case
or for the college alumni meet?
That was an awesome shot!
What's his name?
Pintu Pandey!
Should I talk to Qasim and
make you a part of
Kanpur CPL?
Why such a long face, dude?
The judge said that
my bail might be rejected.
Weren't you about to join someone
by the name of... Dholie... Dhol...
-Dholakia.
-Yes!
I don't think I'll be able to join him.
Tell me this. What is your problem staying here?
Why don't you practice in your own city
and live life king size?
Really?
Mumbai would be a different
ball game altogether.
The people there are masterminds.
It will be fun fighting a case there.
Dawood Ibrahim's lawyer
might be so famous there!
And look around here.
Here, all the oldies are running around
getting rent agreements made.
But they leave their houses
wearing their black coats
to show off for the entire world.
I can't live such a shallow life.
Did you talk to your father?
Don't even talk about him.
Being an Amitabh Bachchan fan,
he named me after one of his characters,
hoping that I would be getting
justice for everyone.
And here I am, not getting it
even for myself.
Moreover, I am such a fool. I don't know
why I stopped asking for money from him.
Vijay, the fact remains...
that till a point,
father is money.
-Please don't.
-Keep it.
Keep it.
And then, money is father.
-Peter?
-That's me.
Kajal suited you better as a name though.
I've come up with something new.
An English name carries
a certain weight here.
-Kumar Sanu is going to be performing.
-I see!
-I've got an advance amount for it.
-That's great.
Listen to me.
Why don't you talk to Mr. Sanu?
When I go to Mumbai,
I will stay at his house.
Why not?
I am sure he must have
built a bungalow by now.
He does have a bungalow.
But I think we should
speak to Mr. Bachchan instead.
We can get you a room in Jalsa.
That's okay. His house floods
during the rains.
While Jaitun was getting
clobbered for his love,
Jugnu was getting slapped around
by his father for being a rebel.
And our lawyer, poor Vijay Chauhan,
was getting lost in his own case.
In short, if ill fate had a face
these three were it.
Speaking of illness,
let's talk about the doctor as well.
MAGICAL CURES
MOHAN MISHRA
Jaitun was madly in love.
And his father, an Ayurvedic doctor,
had a medicine for every kind of disease.
I think his supply of medicines
is running low today.
But he is a doctor from Kanpur.
He won't give up so easily.
Hail the Goddess.
Did you fill up the form
for the opening in Mumbai?
I know that you don't want to
leave me alone in my old age.
However, son, Kanpur was as good
as Manchester, but not anymore.
And your salary here? Peanuts.
Dad, people in metro cities...
are like machines.
Once I leave, you will keep pestering me.
"Son, will you visit during Diwali?"
"Son, will you visit during Holi?"
Anyway your "practice"
is meeting our expenses.
What's the problem?
So, I should manage your wedding
and your sister's education by myself?
Am I your father or the RBI governor?
The father thinks that his innocent son
is stuck here
because he's concerned
about his ageing parents.
Little does he know about the
tug of Cupid on his son's heart.
Wow! I think I should
start having alcohol too.
It looks good.
Relax, I'll quit drinking.
You better!
Or even I'll start drinking!
Don't worry. I will quit.
Last night, I had the last peg.
I swear on Beena.
Food is ready.
Have your medicines on time.
I feel intoxicated after
having my medicines.
And I am trying to avoid
any kind of intoxication.
Really? Doesn't this affect your health?
If you don't have the medicine,
we'll have to go to the hospital!
There'll be side effects!
Even the ambulance takes
two hours to get here.
Shut up!
I'm your dad.
Nowadays, whom are you...
roaming around with all the time?
What do you mean?
It's just my friend Pratibha.
Don't you know her?
She wears a pant and a shirt,
has really short hair, right?
She is quite modern.
He is Mr. Mishra's son.
Who Mishra?
They live right opposite our house.
Are you talking about
that fraud doctor's son, Jaitun?
But I have fallen in love with a boy.
Unlike Mr. Sharma's daughter
who fell for a girl.
You are stressing me out.
-Just have your medicine.
-I don't know what you are up to.
Did you hear her, Beena?
Mom isn't here, Dad.
It's been five years now.
I have fallen in love with a genuine guy.
He loves me a lot.
I'll be here to look after you
even after I get married.
Stop this nuisance already.
I can live without you.
I have Beena.
Don't worry about anything.
Good morning, ma'am.
How are you feeling?
Give me your hand.
Your health is getting better.
The weather is changing.
You have some cough,
but you'll be all right.
Have it thrice a day.
Why do you give her
these medicines every day?
She is my mother!
She is not a lab rat for
all your experiments.
What are you...
I have an ayurvedic medicine
for TB as well.
Soon I will be featured in
international magazines.
And all the intellectuals and scientists
will bow down in front of me.
Of course!
Einstein and Darwin are like
roadside ruffians, aren't they?
It's not that great.
-I will--
-Sir.
Thank you, ma'am.
The next time I come, please...
-I will make it properly.
-Add ginger to it.
-Why do you misbehave?
-He's insane...
Please just stop it.
What happened?
Do you have any other medicine?
He doesn't even know the difference
between TB and TV.
That's not true.
I hope my case gets dismissed soon
so that I can join my job in Mumbai.
You should also sell your shop
and join me there.
We will get you treated
by a legit doctor.
I will not go to any hospital.
Why not?
If I go to a hospital, I will die sooner
than expected.
If I sell the shop,
we'll be left with nothing.
So sad. I feel bad for our
existing riches already.
Just stop taking medicines
from that quack of a doctor.
Since the trend of
online shopping took off,
people have become too
lazy to even visit a shop.
Son, if you could...
Right.
I pursued a law degree only to end up
delivering groceries to people's houses.
Sure, I'll do that as well.
Do you need some groceries?
I'll come right away to deliver it.
A father and a son
share a special bond.
A good balance is as good as protein.
And an imbalance can feel
like acidity.
The cure for your acidity
is moving to Mumbai.
Find a way out and leave.
I will surely go to Mumbai.
I tried my best.
But I couldn't make it.
At least my song can.
The eggs are yet to hatch,
and you are already counting the chickens.
But before he could take off,
his father grounded him in Kanpur itself.
Hey, call the electrician!
We have no electricity out here.
Why do you need an electrician
when you can warm yourself
up with my "electric pole"?
But do you have enough "supply"?
I run on solar power!
Running a current of 440 volts, 24/7.
I am Buzz Lightyear, sweetheart.
I don't want to get a shock.
Why don't you let me warm you up
just for once?
You will be satisfied for life!
What if your "battery" goes down midway?
That won't happen!
My "battery" will last all night long.
It won't let you down!
Nonsense!
Don't you see there's a kid
standing over here!
Don't take him to be a kid.
He is a mini generator!
-A mini generator?
-Yes.
Son, she can really
do with some "supply."
Yes!
-Why don't you give her some?
-Be quick!
I think the generator
needs some fuelling.
Is it?
Load him up.
Not me, him.
He is just like me.
The way a woman needs to be treated,
what a woman feels,
both of us know nothing
about all of that.
Stop sulking.
He is a good boy.
I'll talk to him.
What does a girl wish for?
Women need all kind of love.
All kind of love.
We won't jump across rooftops anymore
Just to meet each other
I don't like hiding from the world
Just to love you
Why are you being
A dead end
In my love story?
Why am I the accused
In our under-trial love story?
Why are you being
A dead end
In my love story?
Love has just become a dream now
I don't believe in wooing
But authentic love
Take away my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
I don't believe in wooing
But authentic love
Take away my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
I don't believe in wooing
But authentic love
Veggies for everyone!
Take away my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
You should lap me up for
some real-time vitamin exchange.
We are not married yet.
Once we are, we can exchange
vitamins and proteins all day long.
What do you mean?
I got my friend's place to us
for two hours for no reason then?
Do you want to watch television
or listen to music?
What should I tune to? Tell me.
Some snoop from the neighbourhood
has blurted out to my father about us.
And since then,
he has locked up the rooftop.
Look, either be a sissy,
or let my love take over.
And how does marriage even matter?
Do you want me to assure you in writing?
I am not a cheater.
Here you go.
"If we have sex,
I will marry you
or remain single for life.
Jaitun Mishra."
Here you go.
I have signed it, you should too.
Get it photocopied, and we shall
have one copy each.
What else do you want?
I thought you'll sing a song for me.
Photocopy.
-Photocopy!
-Sure!
Vijay, Dad is getting my uncle along
for the next hearing.
Is he off his plaster cast now?
You were the one who hit him.
There was no need to shove him so hard.
So, you think that I...
Why did you chop your hair off?
Dad forced me to sign the affidavit.
I got annoyed and chopped my hair off.
But I still love you.
Ms. Prem Kumari,
with all due respect,
I am unable to leave Kanpur
because of this very love itself.
So? I apologized to you.
An apology here makes no difference.
You need to say the truth aloud in court.
I can fight with your dad and uncle...
but not with you.
I will come out and say the truth.
For sure!
Even I want the case to be over soon.
Vijay, I want to tell you
something more.
Tell me.
Dad has created a profile for me
on a matrimonial website.
Very beautiful.
Five feet and five inches tall.
You are as tall as a giraffe.
Again a lie.
Mr. Pandey, how much for a printout?
Rs. 10 for black and white and
Rs. 20 for the coloured one.
You have turned my life so colourful...
why should I get a black and white print?
I will pay for this as well.
Sir, here's the medical certificate.
The girl's down with pox
and high fever.
All right. Carry on.
Sir, a couple was present
while this fiasco unfolded.
I need your permission to call them.
Permitted.
Ma'am, sir.
Please come forward.
You need to come one by one.
We are together.
Shall we get you married then?
What is your name?
Pallavi Dixit.
Ms. Pallavi...
Were you at the mentioned location
on the 16th of September, 2017?
Yes.
What did you see there?
I was spending some quality time with him
by the lakeside.
That's when I saw that man sitting
at a distance with his girl.
Suddenly, the other man with the
plaster came and began beating him.
When he tried to save himself,
it got worse for him.
A few minutes later, the police arrived...
How is he related to you?
-What?
-Fiancé.
Oh, is it?
Identification card?
Here you go.
Please have a seat.
You can come now.
What is your name?
Kajal Pandey.
People know me as Peter.
-I am an event manager. I organize...
-That's all right.
Is she your fiancée?
-Yes.
-Okay.
I am sure you know
your father-in-law's name.
I address him as "Dad."
I see!
I'm sure you know
where your fiancée lives.
-Yes.
-Tell us.
She lives in the lane
behind the temple.
Sir, the thing is...
there are 3,000 temples in Kanpur,
and there is a lane behind every temple.
How are the personal details
related to this case, sir?
There is an act against
bringing fake witnesses too.
You can check it in your diary,
smarty-pants!
You are sullying our college's reputation!
After mine, not a single batch from
our college turned out to be good enough!
Prem Kumari will be presented
for the next hearing.
Well tried. Keep practising.
Was it good?
I hired her for a good price.
She wanted to become an actress,
that is why I hired her.
I am worried about my case,
and you are looking
for the next Alia Bhatt.
Are there auditions going on?
Oh, man.
How much more can we advise him?
He has landed himself in a mess,
yet he can't get over her.
Don't even talk about her
in front of me.
First, she ensnared him,
and then she got him in this pickle.
Of course. You are after all Mother Mary.
Your son must be equally divine.
No, no. For you,
I'm the latest incarnation of Satan.
I have told you not to taunt me
early in the morning.
I will surely get the case dismissed.
That's what I have been hearing
for the last two-three months.
If people come to know about it,
we will be forced to leave.
Dad, people have been fooling you.
Oh, really?
Do you think I'm a fool?
I should perhaps lock myself up
in the shop and set it on fire.
-What nonsense!
-Then, both of you can enjoy.
I can't understand--
-What can't you understand?
-Oh, come on, Dad!
Why do I even make tea for you?
He cannot even get us a washing machine.
Feels as if it's the stone age.
Why did you even marry him?
He must have been balding back then too.
Sing a song for me.
Why should I sing a song for you?
I am not Kishore Kumar.
Plus, we can do something better
if we don't waste time singing.
You can help yourself to a protein shot.
You will have a sound sleep.
Really? How is that so?
I will kiss you,
and you can make those naughty sounds.
-All right?
-Okay.
Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!
Is this a devotional song?
Don't be weird.
Isn't it how the girl in the video
was doing it?
What do I do? It's my first time as well.
Imagine yourself to be a veena.
And I am plucking your strings.
Is it?
Do, re, mi, fa
Has nobody romanced
in your family?
Make sexy noises.
Imagine you have a backache.
Exactly!
Exactly.
Consider love to be pain.
A sweet pain.
Okay.
Can I give you kisses?
Someone has rightly said,
"Women need all kind of love."
-Really?
-I love you.
Delicious, I tell you.
If you are good at cooking
and that is the only thing
you are good at,
the Super Chef challenge is just for you.
What are you waiting for?
We will meet on the 15th and 16th
next month in Lucknow
for the open auditions.
All the chefs will come together.
For more information related to
the audition centres, drop an SMS
on 55566678.
Super Chef Season 2 is coming soon.
Take this.
Your birthday is coming up
next week.
Why don't you buy clothes for yourself?
We will have a special celebration.
Keep it.
Open your mouth.
Have it. Come on.
I'll go for the auditions
of that reality show.
No matter how colourful my stage looks,
my life is still full of darkness.
You are the firefly in my life.
Don't ruin your life because of this.
Is the TV show not worth it?
How many make it on-screen?
Ten in a million.
What about everyone else?
You only get to see
the tip of the iceberg.
There's a whole world underneath.
That's how Mumbai is.
Why do you want me to
keep rotting in Kanpur?
You can do whatever you wish
until your birthday.
You will then start afresh.
How much do you earn?
I earn around Rs. 18,000.
I will start earning more
once I get promoted.
It will be doubled...
almost.
What stopped you from claiming more?
Do you drink alcohol?
No, absolutely not.
Damn it!
How useless can a fellow be!
-Stop...
-I do, I do! Beer I can bear.
I usually have a chilled beer
during summers.
Is it?
Glad you aren't like your father.
-Do you watch movies?
-Yes.
Who is your favourite actor?
Shah Rukh Khan.
I watch Bhai's movies as well.
Bhai?
Your relatives are in
the movie business?
Not mine. Mr. Salim's son.
Everyone calls him Bhai.
Give me some incense sticks.
Do you take her to movies?
-Yes.
-Corner seat?
Corner seat.
You are such a weirdo!
To be falling in love with no one else,
but a neighbour.
How lame a wedding procession
this would make.
Let's go.
I checked your horoscope
on the Internet.
The stars seem to be in perfect alignment.
You can get married in August
because there is no other auspicious date
for the next eight years.
-I will get married in August.
-But...
Hey...
Curb your enthusiasm a bit.
What kind of sounds do you make at night?
She had back pain, I guess.
She thinks of you as
her Shah Rukh Khan.
But, until you get a promotion,
you won't be making any movie with her.
Jaitun seems to be doing well.
After all, it's a feat to have
the girl's father approve.
Now just one thing stops his
wedding bells from ringing.
Promotion.
-Jaitun, your boss is calling you.
-What?
Boss is calling you inside
the processing department.
Like they say, the really unlucky one
will sprain his thumb
when he blows his nose.
Jaitun was willing to work hard.
Being a wilful Brahmin,
he was at ease while working
the peripheral functions
but leather manufacturing was
the stuff of his nightmares.
Stop chit-chatting and get to work.
Which leather sheet is this?
Sir, this looks like top grain.
Great! Now this segment
is yours to handle.
We are out of resources.
As per calls from Mumbai,
production targets have been doubled.
Sir, I will vomit to death here.
Moreover, I want to supervise the plant.
Even the water treatment
is not working fine.
When people can be treated,
why does the water need to be?
Sir, Kanpur is known for the holy Ganges.
What you are doing to it is pretty unholy.
Do you really want a promotion?
Focus on production alone.
Here I stand
Right in the centre of the street
What is my fault
If I see big dreams?
My desires were for the sake of it
Why did you ruin it?
Why did you turn me into a joke?
And, with little remorse, made it public?
You kindled my desires
And then it all came falling down
Oh, my fate!
You turned out to be such a fraud!
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate...
My fate is such a fraud...
Did you call for groceries?
Get it in.
Rs. 780.
I don't give a damn
about you being a lawyer.
Keep the grocery inside,
or you can leave.
There you are.
Hail Goddess.
Your father said that
the delivery is free.
I thought I'll avail the opportunity.
Rs. 800. Keep the change.
He is not a delivery boy.
Would you like to have this cow urine?
It's nice and hot.
Just got it out.
It's fresh.
Son...
Hey!
Keep feeding urine to the whole city.
Won't you ever ask anyone
for tea or coffee?
Hello, sir.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
No, sir. I know.
Tickets are booked, sir.
Yes, sir.
Why will you hire anyone else?
I am coming to Mumbai, sir.
Yes, sir.
Sure, sir. Yes.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Can't you see?
Reverse the car.
The king of dumbfucks!
It comes up with new acts
My heart is a trickster
Just like the Pied Piper
Setting off a chase equally sinister
It comes up with new acts
My heart is a trickster
Just like the Pied Piper
Setting off a chase equally sinister
My father had an orchestra.
He is dead.
This is of no use to us.
I am a college student.
I will be able to manage
my college expenses with the money.
Please help me out.
It comes up with new acts
My heart is a trickster
It stays mum
And closely guards its secrets
And lets them work their magic
And makes the situation difficult
The heart is such a merchant
It can't look beyond its own interests
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
Doctor! How are you?
-I am fine.
-Please come in.
I was waiting for you.
Let me get some
piping hot samosas for you.
-I've got some offerings for you.
-We will have that too.
I will feed you samosas as well.
Come in.
Come in.
How can you have samosas
with the offering?
You remember the quack I told you about?
Even the TB patients
who are at their third stage
can run a marathon across Kanpur
with this medicine.
That also makes it a tad costly.
Two packets of it will
be for Rs. 5,000.
But you'll be cured after having it.
Why did you take the pains for this?
-Thank you.
-You are welcome.
Doctor.
Thank you.
Ma'am.
Do have this cow urine.
It ought to work its magic.
I shall take your leave.
What's your problem?
You are our problem.
You think you rule here, Snow White?
-You better stop coming here.
-Why?
Are you the mayor around?
I am the doctor of this area.
All these hunks hold medical degrees too.
Sell your fake medicines in your locality.
-And stay the hell out of here.
-Is it?
Or else, be ready to be operated upon.
By the way,
Kajal...
Kajal.
Such sissies.
You can't trust them for a penny.
Thank goodness I found you.
I have got this cast with a spell...
especially for your dad.
Once he wears this,
his piles will be history.
Is that fine?
This...
Bless you, my dear.
You always have my blessings.
Have you ever been to Delhi?
Yes, once.
I went there to give an MBA exam.
I failed, and I returned home.
Do they have a machine
that helps you get your virginity back?
I went there to give an MBA exam,
not a virginity test.
What happened? I am sorry.
Shall I help you wear your dress?
Here you go.
Listen to me.
Are you going home?
Did you tell your parents about us?
My father asked me to get
a better job away from the city.
Why? What's wrong with Kanpur?
All his friends' kids work out of India.
They send all the imported items home.
He wants the same for himself.
That's why he is bothering me now.
That's great! Wonderful!
Your company exports
leather goods, right?
Yes. So?
So there's no need for either of us
to leave the city.
If they gift imported stuff,
you gift exported stuff.
That's a wonderful idea.
Your mind has started working well
right after you got some protein.
What is this?
Do talk to your parents
about our marriage.
-What is this?
-It's a photocopy.
You really got it done.
You said Rinku won't be home
for two hours.
-What are you doing?
-Go there.
-This...
-Come with me.
Sir, please give some milk to my kid.
There ain't a dairy running here.
Sir, some milk... for my kid...
Please, sir.
Where are you off to?
Are you blind?
Greetings, sir.
Eena, Meena, Deeka
AUDITORIUM
Daai, Daamo, Nika
Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
Eena, Meena, Reeka, Deeka
Day, Daai, Daamo, Nika
Maaka, Naaka, Maaka, Naaka
Cheeka, Peeka, Rolla, Reeka
Ram Pam Posh, Ram Pam Posh
I'll sell my heart
If there's a buyer for it
I won't give it away to just anyone
Friends! This audition is
going to change your life!
Any of you could be the next
Sanjeev Kapoor or Tarla Dalal.
So, let the delicacies come out rolling.
Yes, she is indeed the right one!
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
Eena, Meena, Reeka, Deeka
Day, Daai, Daamo, Nika
Maaka, Naaka, Maaka, Naaka
Cheeka, Peeka, Rolla, Reeka
Ram Pam Posh, Ram Pam Posh
Don't think that this is a cheap deal
Whoever buys this plant
Shall surely enjoy fruit
Don't take this to be a cheap deal
Whoever buys this plant
Shall surely enjoy fruit
My barren heart will soon
Be a blossoming garden
The world will burn in envy
Before breaking into maniacal laughter
My dear
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka...
Hold yourself together.
Have this.
I don't want it!
-Where the hell were you?
-Hey.
-The hell were you?
-Lampat!
Lampat!
Leave him!
Don't even try to hit me!
I had gone to a friend's wedding.
Don't hit me.
Come here.
Why did you leave like this?
You've become such a motherfucker.
Son, it's better if you apologise.
Why are you wasting your time?
Why don't you sell the shop?
You are wasting your time too.
I'm the father here, right?
CHAUHAN GENERAL STORE
-Have a great day.
-You too.
Isn't he the court clerk?
Can't believe we are stalking this
lowlife to the stadium.
His son should be the jack we need.
-Let's go?
-Let's go.
-Please agree to it.
-Have you lost your mind?
He is anyway getting your son into
Kanpur CPL. What's the harm?
The kits cost a bomb now.
-Such a motherfucker!
-Unlike our good old times
when a bat and a ball were cheap enough
to set off a whole tournament.
He is in trouble.
Please understand.
Even if I charge 10 percent...
let's seal the deal at Rs. 2,50,000.
That's still too much.
My kid wants a bike as well.
Are you sure about it?
What do you want me to ponder over?
There is no other solution.
The insurance money will
help me kill the lawsuit,
and mom will be able
to start her treatment.
What a phenomenal solution
this seems to be.
Pinning all his hopes
on the paltry insurance money,
he has come here to burn down
his own shop.
And...
And this is how Nero
set his Rome ablaze.
Stop here.
Let's disband for now.
-All right, then.
-Keep this with you.
Are you crazy?
What am I supposed to do with it?
The doctor spilled the beans.
My dad is keeping a vigil.
-For a few days.
-But...
-Come on, man.
-Keep it with you.
Is your phone switched off?
What?
What happened?
We were waiting for you.
We have good news for you.
Your dad sold the shop.
That too for Rs. 12 lakh.
Let's go to sleep now.
I'll come to the court tomorrow
with the buyer. Get the documents made.
What happened to him?
While Vijay had burnt his dad's shop,
Jaitun was already
taking all the necessary steps
to settle
the burning matter at home.
Dad, I have got you
a new pair of shoes.
It's fine leather.
And this purse...
Mom, take a look at it.
This one's a luxury abroad.
Did you spend your entire salary?
What did you get for me?
Gudiya, I have got you a jacket.
I got a good discount.
Isn't it great?
Dad, why don't you check the belt?
Will this fit you?
It will fit me.
Unlike the girl
you find befitting to marry.
The girl who spends time with you
in your bedroom before marriage.
She was with me.
What do you mean?
What do you mean by that?
Really?
-Calm down.
-So much audacity.
Such rubbish.
Calm down.
You could've waited to
get to your honeymoon.
Still would have been better
than getting caught pants down!
It all adds up.
Now I know why he isn't leaving Kanpur.
Remember, son, love is what ruined Devdas.
Or else, he would have had an empire.
But rich men don't have a film
made on their lives.
Then you must have a film made
on your love story.
And be the next big thing
after Mr. Bachchan.
I have promised to marry her.
Her father has agreed.
I think you should meet him.
The auspicious time is in August.
Brother, what does she do?
She roams around with him all day.
"What does she do?"
Seems you have everything planned.
Why don't you book a priest
and a banquet as well?
Send us the address later.
We shall drop by.
No need to play such a hard-ass.
There will anyway be a lot
for you to do during my wedding.
What are you doing?
-I will not spare you!
-Why are you hitting him?
Put that new shoe down.
Take a deep breath.
Another thing...
When you go to her house,
don't end up asking for a dowry.
Calm yourself down!
Kids like you can't stand the sight
of their fathers making a profit!
You'll get a heart attack!
Calm down.
Come on, move aside.
I will not spare the one who did this.
Move aside.
Calm down!
How long will the claim take to process?
A minimum of 30-40 days.
Everyone, be calm!
We've got your son into
the cricket team already.
That gets you a discount
of Rs. 50,000.
Be ready with the remaining
Rs. 2 lakh.
Or else, the next court hearing
is going to spell trouble.
The hearing is next week, right?
By when will you be getting the claim?
At least two to three weeks more.
Mumbai is where I want to be,
not prison.
Here?
Let's get you a wild card to Mumbai.
He is Qasim.
He is the one setting
the team for Kanpur CPL.
I see.
You mean a lot to him.
He talks about you a lot.
He considers you an ideal godfather.
Even if God and father don't
listen to me, he definitely will.
-That's great.
-Hello.
Kidnap him for three days.
Listen.
Make it three months instead.
A person couldn't return my money.
I got him tied to a rock
and thrown in the river.
Okay.
My lawyer lost the case.
And my boy got life imprisonment.
Now, how can respectable folk
make a living like this?
Why don't you reopen
the case in the high court?
As a secondary witness,
get four fishermen.
They would claim that the victim
fell in the river while fishing.
The case will shift from murder
to culpable homicide.
We can then file a PIL
and argue that, since
there was no lifeguard present,
that man died on the spot.
The case will get transferred
from IPC Section 302 to 304.
Pay the bail amount,
and your lad will be out.
You turned out to be
more respectable than me.
-How much do you want?
-Rs. 2 lakh.
Half Plate.
Give them two bundles.
You'll owe me three bundles,
including tax.
By when will you return it?
-Well...
-In two weeks.
Two.
Thank you.
Good morning, sir.
Are you changing your cabin?
I've got a bigger one.
What is this?
Congratulations, you have been promoted.
Get your wedding invitation printed.
Are you serious?
You have benefited quite a lot.
You got promoted
and transferred as well.
Give me that box.
Hand me that box.
But I don't want to move out of the city.
You have just been promoted.
The head office is happy with your work.
Go to Mumbai and handle
a bigger consignment.
You didn't like it in here, right?
Go to Mumbai and do your best.
Why do you want to be stuck here?
Considering all the evidences
and witnesses,
this court finds Vijay Dinanath Chauhan
not guilty.
The case is dismissed.
Tell me.
I truly loved your daughter.
And I would've definitely
kept her happier than you do.
But fathers in India
can't stand love stories.
And this...
Why do you want to lie
and get her married?
Sir, under IPC Section 466,
you can be sued for fraud.
Is that clear?
Keep this in mind. Goodbye.
Now that we are done with the case,
we just need to pay back Qasim
and we are sorted.
What? We will pay him.
Rs. 3 lakh in two weeks?
How on earth?
We will definitely get the money.
Just wait and watch for
Peter and Company's production.
I specially sourced your number.
How will we make it happen?
Listen to me.
Arrange for Rs. 1 lakh,
and you shall be the next Super Chef.
-Rs. 1 lakh.
-Be quick.
It will be done.
I will get you selected as a finalist.
-Really?
-Trust me.
I am just doing this for humanity's sake.
Do you accept cheques?
It's not for my retirement fund.
Arrange for cash.
What did you cook?
-I prepared sushi.
-What?
Yes, you ate it.
Yes, the sushi! It was delicious.
I wanted more of it.
You need to get me Rs. 1 lakh.
Rs. 1 lakh?
I could have called anyone I liked.
But you are the chosen one.
Babes, will you go out
for a movie with me?
I am not free.
I thought you got free in 1947.
-That was my mother, sweetheart.
-Is it?
No one could get a hold of me.
Who is that?
Englishmen!
Why do you have to always ruin it?
Who was that girl?
The one you already have, Kohinoor.
Have you come here to take a dump?
I am not able to handle it.
-What aren't you able to handle?
-The country.
I am not able to handle your country.
Be clear and stop rubbing your genie lamp.
Dad, I want to speak to you.
We'll talk at night
after the rehearsal.
I don't have time till then.
Take a break for five minutes.
Come here.
It better be really urgent.
-Tell me.
-I need Rs. 1 lakh.
The other day,
I was not attending a wedding.
I went for the Super Chef auditions.
They are asking for money
so that I can be a finalist.
My boy.
Why did you go for the auditions
in spite of me asking you not to?
I will definitely get selected.
The judge liked my food.
I see a ray of hope.
And I don't want to miss out on it.
Please don't ruin it.
The tickets sell for as much as paper.
And you are asking me for a lakh?
-Hey!
-I will shoot you!
-Shoot me.
-I am just asking you for the money.
Shoot me!
Let me see what matters more to you.
Your dream or your father.
Keep that rifle aside!
He will give you the money.
Lampat will give you the money!
Why are you bouncing around?
-Hey...
-He will shoot you!
I am warning you!
Do you have a technical degree?
Sir, I've completed my bachelor's degree.
Might as well grab a machine here
and get to work.
In this season of love
I am like a restless soul
My heart feels
That both of us are one
There is no harm
In feeling the way I feel
The heart considers you to be mine
You belong to no one else
-That's not me, that's my mother.
-Is it?
No one could get a hold of me.
Really, my dear?
Hey!
Englishmen!
Why do you have to always ruin it?
I am not able to handle it.
-What aren't you able to handle?
-The country.
Why don't you say it clearly?
LAMPAT HARAMI
AND COMPANY
Take this.
This is the money that
people have showered over me.
It's white money
that I've earned.
Just go away. Run away!
This is your last chance.
I will never return here.
Never.
Kohinoor! Kohinoor!
You seem to be good
But you are a different person
Your appearance is that of a thief
You've been stealing all your life
Your peace is locked up
In a vault of crime
Are you doing me a charity, scumbag?
That's all I could manage.
-Please manage it for now.
-Who will count the money?
Peter.
He is the one.
Let us count it for you.
-Leave me!
-Stop right there!
She danced with her anklets on
And I danced freestyle
She danced with her anklets on
Of what use is an arrow
That misses its mark?
She danced with her anklets on...
My dad acts strong, but he is not.
I always believed marrying you
will help me keep a watch on him.
Will he agree to get you married
to a jobless man?
I don't know.
We can take him along to Mumbai.
He would never leave Kanpur.
Come along with me to Mumbai.
I will sing songs for you.
You think you are Kishore Kumar.
Am I not your Kishore Kumar?
He leapt onto the sky
And swayed with the clouds
It brought a storm in his life
He didn't know what to do
He leapt onto the sky
Swayed with the clouds
It brought a storm in his life
He leapt onto the sky
Swayed with the clouds
He couldn't understand
What was to be done
When the sky leapt at him
And swayed the clouds
Who are these boys?
-They are my friends, Dad.
-Okay.
QASIM'S MEN ARE AT MY DOOR
COME SOON
Hey, Full Plate.
Let's come back after a stroll.
-I'll get a rickshaw.
-Hey.
Please come.
Sir, we saw the CCTV footage
of your store
-and arrested a boy last night.
-I see.
Who is he?
He revealed that your son
was also involved.
What are you saying?
Have you lost your mind?
Ma'am, please get away.
Why are you stopping me?
What are you doing?
Hey, step back!
-Look at what he is up to.
-Step back!
I am leaving for Mumbai.
-What is he doing?
-Please!
Let me go.
-Son...
-Dad.
I didn't want to do this.
I was trapped.
Step back!
The sky pushed back
It's when he got to know
The sky pushed back
It's when he got to know
The flight was nothing but a dream
And the fall was all too real
The world's a conundrum
The world's a conundrum
A complication of dreams
A puzzle of dreams
IF WE HAVE SEX, I WILL MARRY YOU
OR REMAIN SINGLE FOR LIFE. – JAITUN MISHRA
When dreams
Are shattered
All seems lost forever
Life changes
Only when
You hold on to that broken dream
And take another flight
The world's a conundrum
The world's a conundrum
I...
I... Junior Lampat...
would like to share
dirty jokes with you,
and show you
wet dreams of Kohinoor.
What wet dreams
can you show me, boy?
You can't be like him.
-Last night...
-You're good for nothing!
Dad and I got excited by the same thing.
What was it?
I am talking about my dream.
What could happen?
All my dreams were shattered soon.
-That's interesting.
-I just understood one thing.
When... a big dream
gets shattered...
you have a choice to hold on to it,
for those shattered pieces are
also a part of your big dream.
And when life screws you over...
That's Jugnu.
...perhaps it's just trying you
before heralding better times.
That was superb!
Great!
But for now...
Fresh from the kitty of shit-talk
by Jugnu Harami.
Last week, I bumped into a guy.
His name was Vikas.
He was dressed as a woman.
I had to ask him
if it was just the outerwear
or if the innerwear
was also quite different.
He is just like Lampat!
That was great!
Congratulations, you finally
have the son you need.
Who knew that their fate
would be as twisted as
the lives in this city,
and that the last leg of their journey
would toss it all around for them.
That's how dreams are.
Easy to be dreamt,
but fickle and fragile.
But how can life stop
in a city like Kanpur?
Such is the circle of life.
At every point lies a surprise.
You are really crafty
to be getting away every time.
That's the talent I was looking for.
You are now officially Don Qasim's lawyer.
The one who decodes life's mysteries
just might end up
ruling his own streets.
If your motives are strong,
you can make do with the present
while a new life might find you.
Ticket sales are up.
Perhaps you can start
your own restaurant.
The whole city might just
go mad over your sushi.
Someone great has rightly said,
"Even if you take the man out of Kanpur,
you can't take Kanpur
out of the man."
Hello.
Excuse me!
Yes?
You sing just like Kishore Kumar.
Wow!
-Why are you here?
-What do you mean?
You should have been at a studio.
You shouldn't be wasting
your talent here.
You are mocking me, aren't you?
I swear I am not!
Can I sing another song?
I met
A beautiful stranger...
I'll let you in on a secret
before we part.
Cities of dreams are many.
But only Kanpur holds the copyright
for being the home of shattered dreams.
called me Cawnpore.
The Manchester of India.
People would die
to come here.
After Independence though
the English ways made way
for the not-so-English.
And from Cawnpore,
I became Kanpur.
The city roads are puzzling
and so are the minds of the people here.
It's a city of madcaps.
In fact, I am now the national capital
of wackos.
After all these years,
nothing is the same anymore.
No one is eager to come here anymore.
They are rather in a rush
to leave this place.
Since we are talking about it,
let me amuse you with a story.
It's actually a story
having three heroes.
And watch out!
Here comes our first hero.
Hey, man! Watch where you spit!
CLEAN INDIA
ONE STEP TOWARDS CLEANLINESS
Why don't you watch where you halt?
It's a pain to even argue with you.
DAYANAND ANGLO VEDIC COLLEGE
KANPUR
Students, I hope you know that
cooking vegetables on a low heat
ensures that their iron content
remains intact.
Just like... Whose phone is ringing?
Don't you know that
you can't use your phone in college?
Give me your phone.
Is your tap really that faulty?
Where are you?
I have been waiting for half an hour.
Are you interested in home science
more than me?
Hey, Mr. Plumber.
Please hold on for another ten minutes.
Your customer's class
is about to get over.
Do I look like a plumber to you?
You could have saved my
name as "Hrithik Roshan."
What if Dad comes to know about us?
If he does,
he'll make sure we break up.
You are such a fool.
Yes, I am!
I'm a fool for you!
I'm madly in love with you.
I told you that today is special.
I took a half-day leave from work.
I tend to lose my mind over you,
and your home science doesn't help.
I see.
We roam around the streets
Like carefree lovebirds
I spend all my time with you
So that I can express my love to you
Neither you nor I
Can deny the will of the heart
When you are in love
Nothing else matters
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you
Why have you got me here?
What are you doing?
Don't ruin your trousers.
Just hold this for a second.
Give it back to me.
Can I say it now?
I can bring you stars and the moon.
I can move mountains for you.
You are the most important to me.
You are the love of my life.
Yuck!
Why don't you shit on my love?
Why don't you rent a room instead?
It would just be Rs. 200 an hour.
Why don't I slap you instead?
To heck with you!
Bulbul, please listen to me.
Everyone thinks that I'm an idiot
and you are way out of my league.
But I'll get married only to you.
Ours will be Kanpur's
number one love story.
Will you be my best half?
-No.
-Why not?
You spend your entire day with me.
Then, why won't you agree?
-No.
-Hold this.
Forget about them!
Let them take a dump out there.
Take this.
I've got a ring for you.
No, Jaitun.
Why not?
No! No! No!
Do you use Snapchat?
No, sir.
Jaitun Mishra.
What does your name mean?
It's green in colour and is
known as olives in English.
-We get Vitamin E from it.
-Oh, wow!
Is that why both of you were
exchanging vitamins out there?
Sir, I was going to propose to her.
Why don't you show it to me?
How do you propose?
But you are a man.
In Mumbai, men propose to each other.
All you young Romeos just want
to have fun before marriage.
Sir, mind your words!
We are serious about each other.
You scumbag!
Don't act too smart!
I am way smarter than you.
Get me?
-Babulal.
-Yes, sir?
Hit him between the legs
and teach him a lesson.
Contact the girl's parents.
Why do you want to call them?
We can sort it right here.
I'll squat in this position
for an hour.
How does that matter to us?
Sir likes eating pizza.
Let us order some pizzas.
Will you guys have some?
PRISON FOR MEN
Shall I order cheese burst pizza?
Let's have some pizza before we leave.
Nonsense!
I thought you must be hungry.
Can I say something?
Dad will be very happy.
He will be blessed
with a caring daughter-in-law.
Is your special day over?
"I can move mountains for you."
Come along if you want,
but I am leaving.
LAMPAT HARAMI AND COMPANY
Harami! Harami!
You must be thinking that
he is the second hero.
But no.
That's wrong.
Greetings to the big-hearted
and the stingy people as well!
He is not the hero.
He is the villain to our second hero.
The baddie. The rascal.
In short, the Godfather.
-How are you all?
-Awesome!
I went to America two days ago.
I ate quite a lot of meat.
Here's what I asked the waiter.
I asked him about the difference
in the prices for butter chicken.
The rates were Rs. 100
Rs. 60 and Rs. 10 per plate
respectively.
The chicken served at Rs. 10
had AIDS.
I ordered five of it.
After all, I didn't have to
make love to the chicken.
That's right.
I can see some new faces.
The youth of the nation!
But the youth create a dilemma.
-They start seeing it every now and then.
-What?
-My son saw it last night.
-What?
Dream!
They dream way more
than they can ever achieve.
If everyone becomes famous,
-what will all the infamous people do?
-Right!
So, I slapped him!
And there went his dream.
Let us talk about our city.
Kanpur...
We might be short of electricity,
but there is no shortage of garbage
at every nook and corner.
That's why I like America.
It is a neat and clean place.
You can kiss on the roads
as well as use guns out there.
That's why I am leaving for America
with my lady love, Kohinoor.
No! No! No!
Kohinoor won't go anywhere.
She belongs to me!
Kohinoor, my darling,
your lover boy is sitting right here.
Fine!
The plan for America stands cancelled.
So, gentlemen, in Banaras,
just like we have the sweet motichoor
please welcome with kisses
the luscious Kohinoor!
-Here she comes!
-Kohinoor!
It hurts a lot
In my heart
It hurts a lot
In my heart
I am like a sweet poison
I can bring down hell on you
I am like a sweet poison
I can bring down hell on you
I don't believe in wooing
I believe in authentic love
I don't believe in wooing
I believe in authentic love
Take my life...
Golu.
Take this.
When did you prepare chicken?
Couldn't you give it to me earlier?
Jugnu prepared it.
This is his recipe.
There is a huge college in Mumbai.
It's a two months' course.
It will cost Rs. 50,000.
You've started dreaming again!
Didn't I ask you to stop cooking food?
Where are the magazines I got you?
Yes...
When will you read these?
When will you read all this pulp?
I am talking to you!
My knee starts hurting
when I stand on the stage.
Why don't you do some filler acts?
When will you do it?
Your stage disgusts me.
Take my life
My love is of the diabetic kind...
Listen to me.
This too is a form of art.
It's a kind of talent.
I learnt it from my father.
He learnt it from his father.
You can learn it from me.
Do you want me to
show my talent
in front of this riff-raff?
What do you mean?
Only rich people
have the right to be entertained?
Not them?
My love is of the diabetic kind
Take my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
Even I am a stand-up comedian.
Anyway, meet him.
He is the third hero of our story.
And as unlucky as the other two.
You might want to know why.
DISTRICT COURT, KANPUR
He is going to fight his first case
as a lawyer.
And in this case, he is not just a lawyer,
but a criminal too.
Did you get it? No?
SHANKAR SAXENA
DISTRICT COURT JUDGE – KANPUR
Let's go in.
May I come in, sir?
Are you coming in
for the first time?
Please come in.
-Vijay Dinanath Chauhan.
-Yes, sir.
Where is your lawyer?
Who is the accused?
Sir, it's me.
It must be tough,
Mr. Vijay Dinanath Chauhan.
Mr. Shukla, please proceed with the case.
Hello!
Good morning.
I am sorry, sir.
I was at Lampat Harami's show
last night.
I am ready.
Let's start.
My client, Prem Kumari Parihar,
has mentioned in her complaint
that Vijay Dinanath Chauhan
tried to molest her and undress her
in front of her father.
He should be subjected
to IPC Sections 294,
299...
and Sections 323, 504 and 506
for assaulting her.
Would you like to say anything?
Yes. Sir, he is full of rubbish.
I mean, I am sorry, sir.
This is not the truth.
It was a minor accident.
And it wasn't just my fault.
Hence, the mention of IPC Section 294...
At least stand up while you talk.
Yes. Sorry.
Sorry, sir.
According to Article 226,
this is a false case.
It is my humble appeal, sir,
that this case should be...
-quashed, sir.
-What?
"Quashed." I mean it should be dismissed.
Do not try teach me English.
-No, sir.
-I would like to say that
Article 226...
Article 226...
Sir, I'll tell you about it.
He used to be a script writer
for mythological TV shows.
Only later, he became a lawyer.
I can guarantee it after listening
to all his bullshit since morning.
-And he is a fool. Silly man!
-Hey, boy! What are you saying?
-I am speaking the truth.
-What do you know about law?
-How dare you say that?
-You're a fool...
Don't you dare mess with me!
Shut up the two of you! Keep quiet!
How can you behave like this?
Your case will be shut
if I put you both in jail.
-Vijay Dinanath Chauhan.
-Yes, sir?
Please get some evidence or a witness
at the next hearing.
-Okay, sir.
-Or else, you won't get a bail.
What?
Sir.
Sir, this is my first case.
Please be lenient.
I am from your college...
2017 batch.
Yes, sir.
Are you here to fight your case
or for the college alumni meet?
That was an awesome shot!
What's his name?
Pintu Pandey!
Should I talk to Qasim and
make you a part of
Kanpur CPL?
Why such a long face, dude?
The judge said that
my bail might be rejected.
Weren't you about to join someone
by the name of... Dholie... Dhol...
-Dholakia.
-Yes!
I don't think I'll be able to join him.
Tell me this. What is your problem staying here?
Why don't you practice in your own city
and live life king size?
Really?
Mumbai would be a different
ball game altogether.
The people there are masterminds.
It will be fun fighting a case there.
Dawood Ibrahim's lawyer
might be so famous there!
And look around here.
Here, all the oldies are running around
getting rent agreements made.
But they leave their houses
wearing their black coats
to show off for the entire world.
I can't live such a shallow life.
Did you talk to your father?
Don't even talk about him.
Being an Amitabh Bachchan fan,
he named me after one of his characters,
hoping that I would be getting
justice for everyone.
And here I am, not getting it
even for myself.
Moreover, I am such a fool. I don't know
why I stopped asking for money from him.
Vijay, the fact remains...
that till a point,
father is money.
-Please don't.
-Keep it.
Keep it.
And then, money is father.
-Peter?
-That's me.
Kajal suited you better as a name though.
I've come up with something new.
An English name carries
a certain weight here.
-Kumar Sanu is going to be performing.
-I see!
-I've got an advance amount for it.
-That's great.
Listen to me.
Why don't you talk to Mr. Sanu?
When I go to Mumbai,
I will stay at his house.
Why not?
I am sure he must have
built a bungalow by now.
He does have a bungalow.
But I think we should
speak to Mr. Bachchan instead.
We can get you a room in Jalsa.
That's okay. His house floods
during the rains.
While Jaitun was getting
clobbered for his love,
Jugnu was getting slapped around
by his father for being a rebel.
And our lawyer, poor Vijay Chauhan,
was getting lost in his own case.
In short, if ill fate had a face
these three were it.
Speaking of illness,
let's talk about the doctor as well.
MAGICAL CURES
MOHAN MISHRA
Jaitun was madly in love.
And his father, an Ayurvedic doctor,
had a medicine for every kind of disease.
I think his supply of medicines
is running low today.
But he is a doctor from Kanpur.
He won't give up so easily.
Hail the Goddess.
Did you fill up the form
for the opening in Mumbai?
I know that you don't want to
leave me alone in my old age.
However, son, Kanpur was as good
as Manchester, but not anymore.
And your salary here? Peanuts.
Dad, people in metro cities...
are like machines.
Once I leave, you will keep pestering me.
"Son, will you visit during Diwali?"
"Son, will you visit during Holi?"
Anyway your "practice"
is meeting our expenses.
What's the problem?
So, I should manage your wedding
and your sister's education by myself?
Am I your father or the RBI governor?
The father thinks that his innocent son
is stuck here
because he's concerned
about his ageing parents.
Little does he know about the
tug of Cupid on his son's heart.
Wow! I think I should
start having alcohol too.
It looks good.
Relax, I'll quit drinking.
You better!
Or even I'll start drinking!
Don't worry. I will quit.
Last night, I had the last peg.
I swear on Beena.
Food is ready.
Have your medicines on time.
I feel intoxicated after
having my medicines.
And I am trying to avoid
any kind of intoxication.
Really? Doesn't this affect your health?
If you don't have the medicine,
we'll have to go to the hospital!
There'll be side effects!
Even the ambulance takes
two hours to get here.
Shut up!
I'm your dad.
Nowadays, whom are you...
roaming around with all the time?
What do you mean?
It's just my friend Pratibha.
Don't you know her?
She wears a pant and a shirt,
has really short hair, right?
She is quite modern.
He is Mr. Mishra's son.
Who Mishra?
They live right opposite our house.
Are you talking about
that fraud doctor's son, Jaitun?
But I have fallen in love with a boy.
Unlike Mr. Sharma's daughter
who fell for a girl.
You are stressing me out.
-Just have your medicine.
-I don't know what you are up to.
Did you hear her, Beena?
Mom isn't here, Dad.
It's been five years now.
I have fallen in love with a genuine guy.
He loves me a lot.
I'll be here to look after you
even after I get married.
Stop this nuisance already.
I can live without you.
I have Beena.
Don't worry about anything.
Good morning, ma'am.
How are you feeling?
Give me your hand.
Your health is getting better.
The weather is changing.
You have some cough,
but you'll be all right.
Have it thrice a day.
Why do you give her
these medicines every day?
She is my mother!
She is not a lab rat for
all your experiments.
What are you...
I have an ayurvedic medicine
for TB as well.
Soon I will be featured in
international magazines.
And all the intellectuals and scientists
will bow down in front of me.
Of course!
Einstein and Darwin are like
roadside ruffians, aren't they?
It's not that great.
-I will--
-Sir.
Thank you, ma'am.
The next time I come, please...
-I will make it properly.
-Add ginger to it.
-Why do you misbehave?
-He's insane...
Please just stop it.
What happened?
Do you have any other medicine?
He doesn't even know the difference
between TB and TV.
That's not true.
I hope my case gets dismissed soon
so that I can join my job in Mumbai.
You should also sell your shop
and join me there.
We will get you treated
by a legit doctor.
I will not go to any hospital.
Why not?
If I go to a hospital, I will die sooner
than expected.
If I sell the shop,
we'll be left with nothing.
So sad. I feel bad for our
existing riches already.
Just stop taking medicines
from that quack of a doctor.
Since the trend of
online shopping took off,
people have become too
lazy to even visit a shop.
Son, if you could...
Right.
I pursued a law degree only to end up
delivering groceries to people's houses.
Sure, I'll do that as well.
Do you need some groceries?
I'll come right away to deliver it.
A father and a son
share a special bond.
A good balance is as good as protein.
And an imbalance can feel
like acidity.
The cure for your acidity
is moving to Mumbai.
Find a way out and leave.
I will surely go to Mumbai.
I tried my best.
But I couldn't make it.
At least my song can.
The eggs are yet to hatch,
and you are already counting the chickens.
But before he could take off,
his father grounded him in Kanpur itself.
Hey, call the electrician!
We have no electricity out here.
Why do you need an electrician
when you can warm yourself
up with my "electric pole"?
But do you have enough "supply"?
I run on solar power!
Running a current of 440 volts, 24/7.
I am Buzz Lightyear, sweetheart.
I don't want to get a shock.
Why don't you let me warm you up
just for once?
You will be satisfied for life!
What if your "battery" goes down midway?
That won't happen!
My "battery" will last all night long.
It won't let you down!
Nonsense!
Don't you see there's a kid
standing over here!
Don't take him to be a kid.
He is a mini generator!
-A mini generator?
-Yes.
Son, she can really
do with some "supply."
Yes!
-Why don't you give her some?
-Be quick!
I think the generator
needs some fuelling.
Is it?
Load him up.
Not me, him.
He is just like me.
The way a woman needs to be treated,
what a woman feels,
both of us know nothing
about all of that.
Stop sulking.
He is a good boy.
I'll talk to him.
What does a girl wish for?
Women need all kind of love.
All kind of love.
We won't jump across rooftops anymore
Just to meet each other
I don't like hiding from the world
Just to love you
Why are you being
A dead end
In my love story?
Why am I the accused
In our under-trial love story?
Why are you being
A dead end
In my love story?
Love has just become a dream now
I don't believe in wooing
But authentic love
Take away my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
I don't believe in wooing
But authentic love
Take away my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
I don't believe in wooing
But authentic love
Veggies for everyone!
Take away my life
My love is of the diabetic kind
You should lap me up for
some real-time vitamin exchange.
We are not married yet.
Once we are, we can exchange
vitamins and proteins all day long.
What do you mean?
I got my friend's place to us
for two hours for no reason then?
Do you want to watch television
or listen to music?
What should I tune to? Tell me.
Some snoop from the neighbourhood
has blurted out to my father about us.
And since then,
he has locked up the rooftop.
Look, either be a sissy,
or let my love take over.
And how does marriage even matter?
Do you want me to assure you in writing?
I am not a cheater.
Here you go.
"If we have sex,
I will marry you
or remain single for life.
Jaitun Mishra."
Here you go.
I have signed it, you should too.
Get it photocopied, and we shall
have one copy each.
What else do you want?
I thought you'll sing a song for me.
Photocopy.
-Photocopy!
-Sure!
Vijay, Dad is getting my uncle along
for the next hearing.
Is he off his plaster cast now?
You were the one who hit him.
There was no need to shove him so hard.
So, you think that I...
Why did you chop your hair off?
Dad forced me to sign the affidavit.
I got annoyed and chopped my hair off.
But I still love you.
Ms. Prem Kumari,
with all due respect,
I am unable to leave Kanpur
because of this very love itself.
So? I apologized to you.
An apology here makes no difference.
You need to say the truth aloud in court.
I can fight with your dad and uncle...
but not with you.
I will come out and say the truth.
For sure!
Even I want the case to be over soon.
Vijay, I want to tell you
something more.
Tell me.
Dad has created a profile for me
on a matrimonial website.
Very beautiful.
Five feet and five inches tall.
You are as tall as a giraffe.
Again a lie.
Mr. Pandey, how much for a printout?
Rs. 10 for black and white and
Rs. 20 for the coloured one.
You have turned my life so colourful...
why should I get a black and white print?
I will pay for this as well.
Sir, here's the medical certificate.
The girl's down with pox
and high fever.
All right. Carry on.
Sir, a couple was present
while this fiasco unfolded.
I need your permission to call them.
Permitted.
Ma'am, sir.
Please come forward.
You need to come one by one.
We are together.
Shall we get you married then?
What is your name?
Pallavi Dixit.
Ms. Pallavi...
Were you at the mentioned location
on the 16th of September, 2017?
Yes.
What did you see there?
I was spending some quality time with him
by the lakeside.
That's when I saw that man sitting
at a distance with his girl.
Suddenly, the other man with the
plaster came and began beating him.
When he tried to save himself,
it got worse for him.
A few minutes later, the police arrived...
How is he related to you?
-What?
-Fiancé.
Oh, is it?
Identification card?
Here you go.
Please have a seat.
You can come now.
What is your name?
Kajal Pandey.
People know me as Peter.
-I am an event manager. I organize...
-That's all right.
Is she your fiancée?
-Yes.
-Okay.
I am sure you know
your father-in-law's name.
I address him as "Dad."
I see!
I'm sure you know
where your fiancée lives.
-Yes.
-Tell us.
She lives in the lane
behind the temple.
Sir, the thing is...
there are 3,000 temples in Kanpur,
and there is a lane behind every temple.
How are the personal details
related to this case, sir?
There is an act against
bringing fake witnesses too.
You can check it in your diary,
smarty-pants!
You are sullying our college's reputation!
After mine, not a single batch from
our college turned out to be good enough!
Prem Kumari will be presented
for the next hearing.
Well tried. Keep practising.
Was it good?
I hired her for a good price.
She wanted to become an actress,
that is why I hired her.
I am worried about my case,
and you are looking
for the next Alia Bhatt.
Are there auditions going on?
Oh, man.
How much more can we advise him?
He has landed himself in a mess,
yet he can't get over her.
Don't even talk about her
in front of me.
First, she ensnared him,
and then she got him in this pickle.
Of course. You are after all Mother Mary.
Your son must be equally divine.
No, no. For you,
I'm the latest incarnation of Satan.
I have told you not to taunt me
early in the morning.
I will surely get the case dismissed.
That's what I have been hearing
for the last two-three months.
If people come to know about it,
we will be forced to leave.
Dad, people have been fooling you.
Oh, really?
Do you think I'm a fool?
I should perhaps lock myself up
in the shop and set it on fire.
-What nonsense!
-Then, both of you can enjoy.
I can't understand--
-What can't you understand?
-Oh, come on, Dad!
Why do I even make tea for you?
He cannot even get us a washing machine.
Feels as if it's the stone age.
Why did you even marry him?
He must have been balding back then too.
Sing a song for me.
Why should I sing a song for you?
I am not Kishore Kumar.
Plus, we can do something better
if we don't waste time singing.
You can help yourself to a protein shot.
You will have a sound sleep.
Really? How is that so?
I will kiss you,
and you can make those naughty sounds.
-All right?
-Okay.
Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!
Is this a devotional song?
Don't be weird.
Isn't it how the girl in the video
was doing it?
What do I do? It's my first time as well.
Imagine yourself to be a veena.
And I am plucking your strings.
Is it?
Do, re, mi, fa
Has nobody romanced
in your family?
Make sexy noises.
Imagine you have a backache.
Exactly!
Exactly.
Consider love to be pain.
A sweet pain.
Okay.
Can I give you kisses?
Someone has rightly said,
"Women need all kind of love."
-Really?
-I love you.
Delicious, I tell you.
If you are good at cooking
and that is the only thing
you are good at,
the Super Chef challenge is just for you.
What are you waiting for?
We will meet on the 15th and 16th
next month in Lucknow
for the open auditions.
All the chefs will come together.
For more information related to
the audition centres, drop an SMS
on 55566678.
Super Chef Season 2 is coming soon.
Take this.
Your birthday is coming up
next week.
Why don't you buy clothes for yourself?
We will have a special celebration.
Keep it.
Open your mouth.
Have it. Come on.
I'll go for the auditions
of that reality show.
No matter how colourful my stage looks,
my life is still full of darkness.
You are the firefly in my life.
Don't ruin your life because of this.
Is the TV show not worth it?
How many make it on-screen?
Ten in a million.
What about everyone else?
You only get to see
the tip of the iceberg.
There's a whole world underneath.
That's how Mumbai is.
Why do you want me to
keep rotting in Kanpur?
You can do whatever you wish
until your birthday.
You will then start afresh.
How much do you earn?
I earn around Rs. 18,000.
I will start earning more
once I get promoted.
It will be doubled...
almost.
What stopped you from claiming more?
Do you drink alcohol?
No, absolutely not.
Damn it!
How useless can a fellow be!
-Stop...
-I do, I do! Beer I can bear.
I usually have a chilled beer
during summers.
Is it?
Glad you aren't like your father.
-Do you watch movies?
-Yes.
Who is your favourite actor?
Shah Rukh Khan.
I watch Bhai's movies as well.
Bhai?
Your relatives are in
the movie business?
Not mine. Mr. Salim's son.
Everyone calls him Bhai.
Give me some incense sticks.
Do you take her to movies?
-Yes.
-Corner seat?
Corner seat.
You are such a weirdo!
To be falling in love with no one else,
but a neighbour.
How lame a wedding procession
this would make.
Let's go.
I checked your horoscope
on the Internet.
The stars seem to be in perfect alignment.
You can get married in August
because there is no other auspicious date
for the next eight years.
-I will get married in August.
-But...
Hey...
Curb your enthusiasm a bit.
What kind of sounds do you make at night?
She had back pain, I guess.
She thinks of you as
her Shah Rukh Khan.
But, until you get a promotion,
you won't be making any movie with her.
Jaitun seems to be doing well.
After all, it's a feat to have
the girl's father approve.
Now just one thing stops his
wedding bells from ringing.
Promotion.
-Jaitun, your boss is calling you.
-What?
Boss is calling you inside
the processing department.
Like they say, the really unlucky one
will sprain his thumb
when he blows his nose.
Jaitun was willing to work hard.
Being a wilful Brahmin,
he was at ease while working
the peripheral functions
but leather manufacturing was
the stuff of his nightmares.
Stop chit-chatting and get to work.
Which leather sheet is this?
Sir, this looks like top grain.
Great! Now this segment
is yours to handle.
We are out of resources.
As per calls from Mumbai,
production targets have been doubled.
Sir, I will vomit to death here.
Moreover, I want to supervise the plant.
Even the water treatment
is not working fine.
When people can be treated,
why does the water need to be?
Sir, Kanpur is known for the holy Ganges.
What you are doing to it is pretty unholy.
Do you really want a promotion?
Focus on production alone.
Here I stand
Right in the centre of the street
What is my fault
If I see big dreams?
My desires were for the sake of it
Why did you ruin it?
Why did you turn me into a joke?
And, with little remorse, made it public?
You kindled my desires
And then it all came falling down
Oh, my fate!
You turned out to be such a fraud!
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate is such a fraud
My fate...
My fate is such a fraud...
Did you call for groceries?
Get it in.
Rs. 780.
I don't give a damn
about you being a lawyer.
Keep the grocery inside,
or you can leave.
There you are.
Hail Goddess.
Your father said that
the delivery is free.
I thought I'll avail the opportunity.
Rs. 800. Keep the change.
He is not a delivery boy.
Would you like to have this cow urine?
It's nice and hot.
Just got it out.
It's fresh.
Son...
Hey!
Keep feeding urine to the whole city.
Won't you ever ask anyone
for tea or coffee?
Hello, sir.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
No, sir. I know.
Tickets are booked, sir.
Yes, sir.
Why will you hire anyone else?
I am coming to Mumbai, sir.
Yes, sir.
Sure, sir. Yes.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Can't you see?
Reverse the car.
The king of dumbfucks!
It comes up with new acts
My heart is a trickster
Just like the Pied Piper
Setting off a chase equally sinister
It comes up with new acts
My heart is a trickster
Just like the Pied Piper
Setting off a chase equally sinister
My father had an orchestra.
He is dead.
This is of no use to us.
I am a college student.
I will be able to manage
my college expenses with the money.
Please help me out.
It comes up with new acts
My heart is a trickster
It stays mum
And closely guards its secrets
And lets them work their magic
And makes the situation difficult
The heart is such a merchant
It can't look beyond its own interests
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
I praise you, I praise you
I praise you, my crazy little heart
Doctor! How are you?
-I am fine.
-Please come in.
I was waiting for you.
Let me get some
piping hot samosas for you.
-I've got some offerings for you.
-We will have that too.
I will feed you samosas as well.
Come in.
Come in.
How can you have samosas
with the offering?
You remember the quack I told you about?
Even the TB patients
who are at their third stage
can run a marathon across Kanpur
with this medicine.
That also makes it a tad costly.
Two packets of it will
be for Rs. 5,000.
But you'll be cured after having it.
Why did you take the pains for this?
-Thank you.
-You are welcome.
Doctor.
Thank you.
Ma'am.
Do have this cow urine.
It ought to work its magic.
I shall take your leave.
What's your problem?
You are our problem.
You think you rule here, Snow White?
-You better stop coming here.
-Why?
Are you the mayor around?
I am the doctor of this area.
All these hunks hold medical degrees too.
Sell your fake medicines in your locality.
-And stay the hell out of here.
-Is it?
Or else, be ready to be operated upon.
By the way,
Kajal...
Kajal.
Such sissies.
You can't trust them for a penny.
Thank goodness I found you.
I have got this cast with a spell...
especially for your dad.
Once he wears this,
his piles will be history.
Is that fine?
This...
Bless you, my dear.
You always have my blessings.
Have you ever been to Delhi?
Yes, once.
I went there to give an MBA exam.
I failed, and I returned home.
Do they have a machine
that helps you get your virginity back?
I went there to give an MBA exam,
not a virginity test.
What happened? I am sorry.
Shall I help you wear your dress?
Here you go.
Listen to me.
Are you going home?
Did you tell your parents about us?
My father asked me to get
a better job away from the city.
Why? What's wrong with Kanpur?
All his friends' kids work out of India.
They send all the imported items home.
He wants the same for himself.
That's why he is bothering me now.
That's great! Wonderful!
Your company exports
leather goods, right?
Yes. So?
So there's no need for either of us
to leave the city.
If they gift imported stuff,
you gift exported stuff.
That's a wonderful idea.
Your mind has started working well
right after you got some protein.
What is this?
Do talk to your parents
about our marriage.
-What is this?
-It's a photocopy.
You really got it done.
You said Rinku won't be home
for two hours.
-What are you doing?
-Go there.
-This...
-Come with me.
Sir, please give some milk to my kid.
There ain't a dairy running here.
Sir, some milk... for my kid...
Please, sir.
Where are you off to?
Are you blind?
Greetings, sir.
Eena, Meena, Deeka
AUDITORIUM
Daai, Daamo, Nika
Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
Eena, Meena, Reeka, Deeka
Day, Daai, Daamo, Nika
Maaka, Naaka, Maaka, Naaka
Cheeka, Peeka, Rolla, Reeka
Ram Pam Posh, Ram Pam Posh
I'll sell my heart
If there's a buyer for it
I won't give it away to just anyone
Friends! This audition is
going to change your life!
Any of you could be the next
Sanjeev Kapoor or Tarla Dalal.
So, let the delicacies come out rolling.
Yes, she is indeed the right one!
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
Eena, Meena, Reeka, Deeka
Day, Daai, Daamo, Nika
Maaka, Naaka, Maaka, Naaka
Cheeka, Peeka, Rolla, Reeka
Ram Pam Posh, Ram Pam Posh
Don't think that this is a cheap deal
Whoever buys this plant
Shall surely enjoy fruit
Don't take this to be a cheap deal
Whoever buys this plant
Shall surely enjoy fruit
My barren heart will soon
Be a blossoming garden
The world will burn in envy
Before breaking into maniacal laughter
My dear
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Eena, Meena, Deeka
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Daai, Daamo, Nika
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Maaka, Naaka, Naaka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka
-Cheeka, Peeka, Reeka...
Hold yourself together.
Have this.
I don't want it!
-Where the hell were you?
-Hey.
-The hell were you?
-Lampat!
Lampat!
Leave him!
Don't even try to hit me!
I had gone to a friend's wedding.
Don't hit me.
Come here.
Why did you leave like this?
You've become such a motherfucker.
Son, it's better if you apologise.
Why are you wasting your time?
Why don't you sell the shop?
You are wasting your time too.
I'm the father here, right?
CHAUHAN GENERAL STORE
-Have a great day.
-You too.
Isn't he the court clerk?
Can't believe we are stalking this
lowlife to the stadium.
His son should be the jack we need.
-Let's go?
-Let's go.
-Please agree to it.
-Have you lost your mind?
He is anyway getting your son into
Kanpur CPL. What's the harm?
The kits cost a bomb now.
-Such a motherfucker!
-Unlike our good old times
when a bat and a ball were cheap enough
to set off a whole tournament.
He is in trouble.
Please understand.
Even if I charge 10 percent...
let's seal the deal at Rs. 2,50,000.
That's still too much.
My kid wants a bike as well.
Are you sure about it?
What do you want me to ponder over?
There is no other solution.
The insurance money will
help me kill the lawsuit,
and mom will be able
to start her treatment.
What a phenomenal solution
this seems to be.
Pinning all his hopes
on the paltry insurance money,
he has come here to burn down
his own shop.
And...
And this is how Nero
set his Rome ablaze.
Stop here.
Let's disband for now.
-All right, then.
-Keep this with you.
Are you crazy?
What am I supposed to do with it?
The doctor spilled the beans.
My dad is keeping a vigil.
-For a few days.
-But...
-Come on, man.
-Keep it with you.
Is your phone switched off?
What?
What happened?
We were waiting for you.
We have good news for you.
Your dad sold the shop.
That too for Rs. 12 lakh.
Let's go to sleep now.
I'll come to the court tomorrow
with the buyer. Get the documents made.
What happened to him?
While Vijay had burnt his dad's shop,
Jaitun was already
taking all the necessary steps
to settle
the burning matter at home.
Dad, I have got you
a new pair of shoes.
It's fine leather.
And this purse...
Mom, take a look at it.
This one's a luxury abroad.
Did you spend your entire salary?
What did you get for me?
Gudiya, I have got you a jacket.
I got a good discount.
Isn't it great?
Dad, why don't you check the belt?
Will this fit you?
It will fit me.
Unlike the girl
you find befitting to marry.
The girl who spends time with you
in your bedroom before marriage.
She was with me.
What do you mean?
What do you mean by that?
Really?
-Calm down.
-So much audacity.
Such rubbish.
Calm down.
You could've waited to
get to your honeymoon.
Still would have been better
than getting caught pants down!
It all adds up.
Now I know why he isn't leaving Kanpur.
Remember, son, love is what ruined Devdas.
Or else, he would have had an empire.
But rich men don't have a film
made on their lives.
Then you must have a film made
on your love story.
And be the next big thing
after Mr. Bachchan.
I have promised to marry her.
Her father has agreed.
I think you should meet him.
The auspicious time is in August.
Brother, what does she do?
She roams around with him all day.
"What does she do?"
Seems you have everything planned.
Why don't you book a priest
and a banquet as well?
Send us the address later.
We shall drop by.
No need to play such a hard-ass.
There will anyway be a lot
for you to do during my wedding.
What are you doing?
-I will not spare you!
-Why are you hitting him?
Put that new shoe down.
Take a deep breath.
Another thing...
When you go to her house,
don't end up asking for a dowry.
Calm yourself down!
Kids like you can't stand the sight
of their fathers making a profit!
You'll get a heart attack!
Calm down.
Come on, move aside.
I will not spare the one who did this.
Move aside.
Calm down!
How long will the claim take to process?
A minimum of 30-40 days.
Everyone, be calm!
We've got your son into
the cricket team already.
That gets you a discount
of Rs. 50,000.
Be ready with the remaining
Rs. 2 lakh.
Or else, the next court hearing
is going to spell trouble.
The hearing is next week, right?
By when will you be getting the claim?
At least two to three weeks more.
Mumbai is where I want to be,
not prison.
Here?
Let's get you a wild card to Mumbai.
He is Qasim.
He is the one setting
the team for Kanpur CPL.
I see.
You mean a lot to him.
He talks about you a lot.
He considers you an ideal godfather.
Even if God and father don't
listen to me, he definitely will.
-That's great.
-Hello.
Kidnap him for three days.
Listen.
Make it three months instead.
A person couldn't return my money.
I got him tied to a rock
and thrown in the river.
Okay.
My lawyer lost the case.
And my boy got life imprisonment.
Now, how can respectable folk
make a living like this?
Why don't you reopen
the case in the high court?
As a secondary witness,
get four fishermen.
They would claim that the victim
fell in the river while fishing.
The case will shift from murder
to culpable homicide.
We can then file a PIL
and argue that, since
there was no lifeguard present,
that man died on the spot.
The case will get transferred
from IPC Section 302 to 304.
Pay the bail amount,
and your lad will be out.
You turned out to be
more respectable than me.
-How much do you want?
-Rs. 2 lakh.
Half Plate.
Give them two bundles.
You'll owe me three bundles,
including tax.
By when will you return it?
-Well...
-In two weeks.
Two.
Thank you.
Good morning, sir.
Are you changing your cabin?
I've got a bigger one.
What is this?
Congratulations, you have been promoted.
Get your wedding invitation printed.
Are you serious?
You have benefited quite a lot.
You got promoted
and transferred as well.
Give me that box.
Hand me that box.
But I don't want to move out of the city.
You have just been promoted.
The head office is happy with your work.
Go to Mumbai and handle
a bigger consignment.
You didn't like it in here, right?
Go to Mumbai and do your best.
Why do you want to be stuck here?
Considering all the evidences
and witnesses,
this court finds Vijay Dinanath Chauhan
not guilty.
The case is dismissed.
Tell me.
I truly loved your daughter.
And I would've definitely
kept her happier than you do.
But fathers in India
can't stand love stories.
And this...
Why do you want to lie
and get her married?
Sir, under IPC Section 466,
you can be sued for fraud.
Is that clear?
Keep this in mind. Goodbye.
Now that we are done with the case,
we just need to pay back Qasim
and we are sorted.
What? We will pay him.
Rs. 3 lakh in two weeks?
How on earth?
We will definitely get the money.
Just wait and watch for
Peter and Company's production.
I specially sourced your number.
How will we make it happen?
Listen to me.
Arrange for Rs. 1 lakh,
and you shall be the next Super Chef.
-Rs. 1 lakh.
-Be quick.
It will be done.
I will get you selected as a finalist.
-Really?
-Trust me.
I am just doing this for humanity's sake.
Do you accept cheques?
It's not for my retirement fund.
Arrange for cash.
What did you cook?
-I prepared sushi.
-What?
Yes, you ate it.
Yes, the sushi! It was delicious.
I wanted more of it.
You need to get me Rs. 1 lakh.
Rs. 1 lakh?
I could have called anyone I liked.
But you are the chosen one.
Babes, will you go out
for a movie with me?
I am not free.
I thought you got free in 1947.
-That was my mother, sweetheart.
-Is it?
No one could get a hold of me.
Who is that?
Englishmen!
Why do you have to always ruin it?
Who was that girl?
The one you already have, Kohinoor.
Have you come here to take a dump?
I am not able to handle it.
-What aren't you able to handle?
-The country.
I am not able to handle your country.
Be clear and stop rubbing your genie lamp.
Dad, I want to speak to you.
We'll talk at night
after the rehearsal.
I don't have time till then.
Take a break for five minutes.
Come here.
It better be really urgent.
-Tell me.
-I need Rs. 1 lakh.
The other day,
I was not attending a wedding.
I went for the Super Chef auditions.
They are asking for money
so that I can be a finalist.
My boy.
Why did you go for the auditions
in spite of me asking you not to?
I will definitely get selected.
The judge liked my food.
I see a ray of hope.
And I don't want to miss out on it.
Please don't ruin it.
The tickets sell for as much as paper.
And you are asking me for a lakh?
-Hey!
-I will shoot you!
-Shoot me.
-I am just asking you for the money.
Shoot me!
Let me see what matters more to you.
Your dream or your father.
Keep that rifle aside!
He will give you the money.
Lampat will give you the money!
Why are you bouncing around?
-Hey...
-He will shoot you!
I am warning you!
Do you have a technical degree?
Sir, I've completed my bachelor's degree.
Might as well grab a machine here
and get to work.
In this season of love
I am like a restless soul
My heart feels
That both of us are one
There is no harm
In feeling the way I feel
The heart considers you to be mine
You belong to no one else
-That's not me, that's my mother.
-Is it?
No one could get a hold of me.
Really, my dear?
Hey!
Englishmen!
Why do you have to always ruin it?
I am not able to handle it.
-What aren't you able to handle?
-The country.
Why don't you say it clearly?
LAMPAT HARAMI
AND COMPANY
Take this.
This is the money that
people have showered over me.
It's white money
that I've earned.
Just go away. Run away!
This is your last chance.
I will never return here.
Never.
Kohinoor! Kohinoor!
You seem to be good
But you are a different person
Your appearance is that of a thief
You've been stealing all your life
Your peace is locked up
In a vault of crime
Are you doing me a charity, scumbag?
That's all I could manage.
-Please manage it for now.
-Who will count the money?
Peter.
He is the one.
Let us count it for you.
-Leave me!
-Stop right there!
She danced with her anklets on
And I danced freestyle
She danced with her anklets on
Of what use is an arrow
That misses its mark?
She danced with her anklets on...
My dad acts strong, but he is not.
I always believed marrying you
will help me keep a watch on him.
Will he agree to get you married
to a jobless man?
I don't know.
We can take him along to Mumbai.
He would never leave Kanpur.
Come along with me to Mumbai.
I will sing songs for you.
You think you are Kishore Kumar.
Am I not your Kishore Kumar?
He leapt onto the sky
And swayed with the clouds
It brought a storm in his life
He didn't know what to do
He leapt onto the sky
Swayed with the clouds
It brought a storm in his life
He leapt onto the sky
Swayed with the clouds
He couldn't understand
What was to be done
When the sky leapt at him
And swayed the clouds
Who are these boys?
-They are my friends, Dad.
-Okay.
QASIM'S MEN ARE AT MY DOOR
COME SOON
Hey, Full Plate.
Let's come back after a stroll.
-I'll get a rickshaw.
-Hey.
Please come.
Sir, we saw the CCTV footage
of your store
-and arrested a boy last night.
-I see.
Who is he?
He revealed that your son
was also involved.
What are you saying?
Have you lost your mind?
Ma'am, please get away.
Why are you stopping me?
What are you doing?
Hey, step back!
-Look at what he is up to.
-Step back!
I am leaving for Mumbai.
-What is he doing?
-Please!
Let me go.
-Son...
-Dad.
I didn't want to do this.
I was trapped.
Step back!
The sky pushed back
It's when he got to know
The sky pushed back
It's when he got to know
The flight was nothing but a dream
And the fall was all too real
The world's a conundrum
The world's a conundrum
A complication of dreams
A puzzle of dreams
IF WE HAVE SEX, I WILL MARRY YOU
OR REMAIN SINGLE FOR LIFE. – JAITUN MISHRA
When dreams
Are shattered
All seems lost forever
Life changes
Only when
You hold on to that broken dream
And take another flight
The world's a conundrum
The world's a conundrum
I...
I... Junior Lampat...
would like to share
dirty jokes with you,
and show you
wet dreams of Kohinoor.
What wet dreams
can you show me, boy?
You can't be like him.
-Last night...
-You're good for nothing!
Dad and I got excited by the same thing.
What was it?
I am talking about my dream.
What could happen?
All my dreams were shattered soon.
-That's interesting.
-I just understood one thing.
When... a big dream
gets shattered...
you have a choice to hold on to it,
for those shattered pieces are
also a part of your big dream.
And when life screws you over...
That's Jugnu.
...perhaps it's just trying you
before heralding better times.
That was superb!
Great!
But for now...
Fresh from the kitty of shit-talk
by Jugnu Harami.
Last week, I bumped into a guy.
His name was Vikas.
He was dressed as a woman.
I had to ask him
if it was just the outerwear
or if the innerwear
was also quite different.
He is just like Lampat!
That was great!
Congratulations, you finally
have the son you need.
Who knew that their fate
would be as twisted as
the lives in this city,
and that the last leg of their journey
would toss it all around for them.
That's how dreams are.
Easy to be dreamt,
but fickle and fragile.
But how can life stop
in a city like Kanpur?
Such is the circle of life.
At every point lies a surprise.
You are really crafty
to be getting away every time.
That's the talent I was looking for.
You are now officially Don Qasim's lawyer.
The one who decodes life's mysteries
just might end up
ruling his own streets.
If your motives are strong,
you can make do with the present
while a new life might find you.
Ticket sales are up.
Perhaps you can start
your own restaurant.
The whole city might just
go mad over your sushi.
Someone great has rightly said,
"Even if you take the man out of Kanpur,
you can't take Kanpur
out of the man."
Hello.
Excuse me!
Yes?
You sing just like Kishore Kumar.
Wow!
-Why are you here?
-What do you mean?
You should have been at a studio.
You shouldn't be wasting
your talent here.
You are mocking me, aren't you?
I swear I am not!
Can I sing another song?
I met
A beautiful stranger...
I'll let you in on a secret
before we part.
Cities of dreams are many.
But only Kanpur holds the copyright
for being the home of shattered dreams.