Kajillionaire (2020) - full transcript

- Five seconds.
- After this person.

- And clear.
- Not clear.

- Go.
- No.

Now.

This could be cash.

No. Money order.

Twenty.

Oh, I think
they sell these at...

I have a receipt
that'll work for this.

- Hmm.
- Toys and games. 12.99, Target. Easy return.

So, this is,
this is not a cheap tie.



Well, you can't see it, because
you're not of gentle birth.

It's empty!

Althea and Victor Young.

4305 Fairglen Road,
Ladera Heights.

Oh. We could take the 2.

It goes there from here.

We got time.

Um, do the Catholic
schoolgirl costume.

'Cause you've got
some heartstrings to pull.

And remember,
don't ask for a reward.

Just let them come to you.

- You got the watch, right?
- Yeah.

Wow. Look at this.

It was just right there.
I almost stepped on it.



All this time,
it was just right there.

Yeah.

Do you go to Sacred Heart?

Our daughter Jenny
went to Sacred Heart.

Here, let's have you
in for a Coke.

I've always believed in angels.

Not me. That's her thing.

What's this?

It's a gift certificate.

Their daughter's a masseuse.

"Don't ask for a reward"
was plan A.

Plan B was "ask for a reward."

Rich people can be
very cheap sometimes.

They were talking
about her nonstop.

- She works at Mélisse, she went to college...
- Mélisse?

They were obsessed.
It was creepy.

That's the most expensive
restaurant in L.A.

- She just works there.
- Well, uh, even to work there,

you have to be rich.

- Oh. I mean, I...
- Wait a minute. Wait.

4305 1/2 Fairglen Road.

4... 4503 1/2 Fairglen...

You-you were just...
Well, you were just there.

But th-this is, this is
the house right behind it.

- This is worth money.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- See, dollar signs.
- Yeah.

This-this...

This type of high-end,
uh... you know.

- It's good. Yeah.
- It's worth $200 or $300.

Yeah.

Okay, um...

Wait.

Cash refund.

Okay. What about a percentage

of the total value?

Like 75% of the total value.

No. No, that's not how...

I'm sorry.

How do you, how do you
know my parents?

Or what about an exchange,
um, for that rock?

- No.
- No? Okay.

- Mm-mm.
- What about these?

No? Understood.

This. This, uh, this shelf.

And that's gonna be my final,
because it's just...

it's not worth very much
and I'm gonna be

taking a loss on-on...

...on the massage.

I'll take that.

Well, you don't want
a massage, right?

How long does this
usually take?

Uh, your gift certificate
is for 60 minutes, so...

Oh. N-No.

I-I don't need, um... could...

Do you think
we could do it in 20?

Okay.

Okay.

So just tell me
if it's too much pressure.

It's too much pressure.

- Is this better?
- Too much.

How about this?

Is that better?

Yeah.

- Hi.
- We're with her.

It was taking a while, so...

No refund?

No. I don't refund
gifts, but we're almost done.

She only wanted 20 minutes.

Okay, can we have that rock
for the other 40 minutes?

We won the Vitafusion giveaway

under six
different names today.

Oh. And the Motor Trend
Dodge Viper GT Sweepstakes.

- That's a free visor.
- The little ones are popping!

Pop, pop, pop!

They're all popping!

Just st-stop. Hey. Okay?

Who's in charge of the, um...

A sport water bottle, BPA-free,
with a carabiner.

- Huh.
- I don't think we've won that before.

Not bad for a Wednesday.

Hey, yo!

Hey. Hey!

Hey, you guys?

I h...

- I have a job.
- Shut the fuck up.

- Keep walking, keep walking.
- Ah.

- Fuck.
- February?

March? April?

Come on, man,
this tank's empty.

Uh, we may have to pay
in installments.

- In install... No.
- Yeah.

No! No install... I mean,
rent is an installment.

It's a monthly installment.

We'll have it in the morning.
All...

February, March, April,
all 1,500.

Just, uh... yeah, we were just,

we were just talking about
a job right now.

- We were, just now.
- Yeah.

- You only pay 500 a month?
- But it leaks.

It's very
manageable. Very manageable.

It's... it leaks
on-on a schedule.

Y-You're patting down the wall
afterwards, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- That's good.

The dampness becomes rot,

and then the whole building
collapses.

Hey, fire up
that compressor, will you?

Very expensive.

Are you okay?

It's my condition.

- He's got a...
- I mean, I-I have no filters.

It's no big deal.

Ignore it.

See you in the morning.

Okay, we'll see you.

The other side!

Uh, I-I'm supposed
to take this class.

It's a required thing
by my caseworker,

but I'm kind of
in the midst of something,

so if she could just go,
there's...

there's a sign-up sheet.

Come on. I-I know
you guys do this stuff.

Tell them about the money!

I can pay $20.

You heard?

Yeah, well, what about the...

Yeah, so hurry up so we can go.

Thanks.

- I like your...
- Yeah.

What's your name?

Kelli.

What's your name?

It's for the sign-up sheet.

Oh.

It's Kelli Fain.

Kelli with an "I," F-A-I-N.

You don't even have to go in.

Just get the yellow slip
and come right back.

Oh, Fain.

I need a yellow slip.

Okay.
Dorinda can give you that.

Uh, she's inside.

We're starting a little late.

Maybe the time change
threw some people off.

- L-Let's take a seat, please.
- But it's only twice.

- Well, here's your slip.
- Okay. Thanks, Dorinda.

Have a seat.

Let's get started.

If you need a caseworker
receipt from Dorinda,

you can get it later
at the break.

Okay.

There are worksheets coming
from both directions.

Uh, take one and pass it down.

- Could you pass it?
- The blue one is

the nutrition cheat sheet that
I mentioned to you yesterday.

Please take a look
at the pink sheet,

the one that says
"The Breast Crawl" on top.

Will you start the tape,
please?

Thank you.

Okay, this is great.

This is the mother-baby bond
at work.

Oh.

If the newborn
is immediately placed

on the mother's abdomen,

he makes his way all the way
to the breast all by himself.

Now, if a baby's placed
on a cot,

the infant mortality goes up.

The bonding goes down.

The lactation goes down.

All that important stuff
that we talked about yesterday.

You remember?

Baby's mouth opens
as he approaches the nipple.

And the bonding begins.

Shit, girl,
what'd you do, enroll?

What did I miss?

Uh, the... breast crawl and...

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna do that.

That's cool, huh?

No, you don't want
to baby it like that.

It'll-it'll get all...

Thank you for waiting.

Someone will be
with you shortly.

What are you doing?

Uh...

Sorry, uh...

I just...

We won something big,
but we can't use it.

Uh, it's the Ooh La Luxe
getaway.

It's a first-class trip for two
to the Big Apple,

and it's redeemable for three
nonrefundable coach tickets.

- You'll never fly.
- I know.

So, maybe we...

What is that?

Guy at the class gave me them.

Do... Do you want one?

When a man gives you wood,

anything made out of wood,

he's saying,
"You give me wood."

I've been to New York.

You and I could go together,
just the two of us.

Like a...

mother-daughter getaway.

Oh, hey, Stovik.

There you are.

That's a great jacket.

You pat it down?

Yeah.

- Oh, Theresa, I...
- Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, the rest is coming.

Uh, we're just on our way.
We have to, uh...

- What is this?
- Ah, that's a money order.

- Same as money.
- $20.

We have to check our mail,
and, uh...

Well... Oh, that.

Now, see, that...
I think that's worth 50...

Not this time.

Wha...?

I can't do this anymore.

Are you crying?

I'm patching the leak.

I'm evicting you.

I can get $10,000
for this space, you understand?

$10,000.

We have a child.

That wall is a sponge.
It's a sponge.

This building ought to be
condemned, really.

We could, we could report it

to the Department of Health
and Human Services!

What?

Okay, okay.

Just-just, just give us
till Friday.

You'll have 1,500
in cash bills.

We'll have it by Friday.

Dude, we need a little time
to get it together.

Friday tomorrow?

It's tomorrow?

Um, well, I didn't
literally mean...

I mean, that's just a saying,
you know, "by Friday."

- It just means end of the week.
- Next Friday.

Uh, uh, the-the one after that.

- Friday after next.
- Yeah.

Two weeks.

Uh-huh.

Two weeks.

Shit! We don't have time

to be horsing around.

That was our best thing.

It's a new camera. I didn't know.

This is really bad.

- Mm-hmm.
- Once your face is in their system,

- they got you... fines, 401, home equity.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

But maybe you want all that.
I don't know.

Me? I prefer to just skim.

- So do I.
- Do you?

Ah, that's interesting.

Because most people
want to be kajillionaires.

That's the dream.
That's how they get you hooked.

Hooked on sugar,
hooked on caffeine.

Ha-ha-ha. Cry-cry-cry.

Mother-daughter getaway.

How the fuck does that
help us get the rent?

God. Come on! Think!

Okay, so...

We all fly to New York
together on Wednesday,

and then we fly right back
as strangers.

So, at the baggage carousel,
we don't know each other.

Don't-don't look at me.

I'm looking around.

I want to make sure
these are our bags.

- Oh.
- Excuse me, sir.

Is this the luggage
for the flight from New York?

You two know each other.

- We're a couple?
- Yeah.

Oh. I see.

I am the dum-dum now.

I have a bachelor's degree.

She doesn't even know
what that is.

Then you accidentally
take my bags and go home.

I'll stay at the airport
and report my loss.

Luckily, I have
traveler's insurance,

so they'll issue us
a check for, uh, um...

...$1,575, which we can
just sign right over to Stovik

the next day and be, uh,
more than a full week early.

Ladies and gentlemen, uh,

we're experiencing
some choppy air here.

Please return to your seats
and fasten your seat belts.

We'll be going up to 37,000
feet for a smoother ride.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Okay.

Okay.

Just breathe normally.
Just breathe normally.

All right, talk. Let's talk.
Okay? Talk.

Let's say something.
Just say something.

Don't pray.
God, are you praying?

Just talk. Talk.

Okay.

How are you? Um...

How are you?
What are your interests?

- My interests?
- Your interests. Your interests. Your interests!

- Your interests! Go. Go.
- I-I don't know. I don't...

- What do you want me to...
- I don't know.

Just say anything. Uh...

Some people think
that a brand-new baby,

if you, if you, if you
put it on the abdomen,

it'll just automatically
crawl up to the mom's breast.

But if you put it on a cot,
then it'll, I guess, cry more.

But a breast crawl baby...

Don't say "breast."

I just wonder
how-how a baby would know

- how, where...
- Shh. Stop.

It's smooth now.

What was the point of all that?

He told me to talk.

Are you pregnant?

Did I crawl up,
or was I put on a cot?

Answer.

No.

How would that
have even happened?

A cot.

Is she pregnant?

No.

Uh, my mom
lives in New Jersey.

We're not that close.
I mean, we...

like, hardly ever talk
now that I live in L.A.

Uh, I've been here
almost a year,

and, ugh, it's so hard
to meet people.

Do you guys find that?
Okay. What else?

Um... Um, um, um, um, um, um.

I live in Highland Park,
above Thrive.

So, is this the kind of thing
that you...

Yeah, just keep talking.

- Anything. Anything. Uh, just anything.
- Um...

- Okay, um...
- Anything. Go. Go. Go.

I am a, uh,
physician's assistant

in ophthalmology
at Cedars-Sinai.

Is this the normal amount
of turbulence for this route?

Yes.

- Really?
- Totally.

It's... Oh, no!

What?

Oh.

I thought that
I forgot my headphones.

Did they say that there was
Wi-Fi on this plane?

I don't remember.

Oh, there is.
Oh, you got to pay.

- Why do they do that?
- You're better off.

Oh, this? Oh, I know.

Trust me, I'm the worst.
I, like, sleep with it.

It's like my third arm.

It's a tool.

It was originally designed
by and for the military

and the intelligence community.

The CIA and Army ground ops,
specifically.

It is a powerful
and it's a dangerous tool.

You don't have a cell phone?

- I use it as it was intended.
- Hi.

And I don't dress it up

- and play dolly with it.
- Oh.

Well, then don't meet my mom. She is... whew!

- Here you are.
- She is always on her phone.

I'm talking about, like,
always on her phone.

- Oh! Yes!
- Here you are.

- Screwdriver for her.
- I don't want it. I...

Gin and tonic, gin and tonic.

Here, open up
that bad boy. Okay.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Trust me, this will help a lot.
Salud.

Um, my only concern
is that we won't be

thinking clearly enough in
the event of a real emergency.

- It's possible.
- Oh, are you...?

My aunt has a friend
who's Amish.

No, we're not Amish.

- We use alcohol.
- Oh.

When we're injured,
to numb the pain.

Okay, that sounds Amish.

Look, I know there's
a lot of discrimination.

My friend used to go
to a Quaker school.

And let me...

- That's super random.
- Uh...

Uh, oh. Okay!

All right! Chug, chug.

Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug.

Yes!

Let's get this party started.

You never lived in Providence?

I never did.

It's so weird.

- Mm-hmm.
- There's a girl there who looks just...

He's staring at your... blouse.

Oh, I know. I can handle it.

Mm-hmm?

Okay. All right, everybody.

Check your pockets.

- It may be a bait and switch.
- A what?

A distraction.

He might be a pickpocket.

- You mean a thief?
- Yeah.

That-that is, that is not
what just happened.

You don't know
about these things.

I don't... No.

This happens to me,
like, every day.

What?

So... what is it
that you guys do?

Oh, come on. You know
everything about me, right?

You know where I live
and what my grandma's name is.

So, like, what are,
what are you,

what are you guys,
like... professors?

Yep.

Yeah? Well,
that was a really great guess.

No.

No, you're not.

Uh-uh, uh.

You're, like, um...

Would you consider yourself
a trustworthy person?

- Is that one of your qualities?
- You don't have to answer that.

Yes.

Oh.

We have something very
big happening at the airport.

Oh, my God, I knew
you guys were up to something.

All right, there's two
of us and there's three bags.

Do you see
where I'm going with this?

Not at all.

You took it?
Really? Put it back.

Oh, yeah.

I-I-I feel it. I...

- Do you?
- I felt it. I-I...

Mm.

Okay.

That old bag.

Here we go. Yep.

Thank you.

All right.

Is that the last one?

She has a lot of...
way too many shoes.

- Oh.
- You got everything?

Okay.

Off we go.

All right, so if they are lost,
and I'm not saying they are,

but if they are,
your traveler's insurance

covers you for up to $1,575.

You get that as soon as
the loss is verified.

H-How long does that
usually take?

Oh, they're pretty quick.

Six weeks at the longest.

A-And the shortest?

Oh, that really varies.

But don't worry.

It's really rare
that we completely lose a bag.

I'm sure they'll turn up.

Yeah,
it's a pretty good deal here.

Oh, she's here.

Don't worry, I got this.

Ma'am, I'll show you
right to your seat.

Just go with it.

How much did you get
for the bags?

These guys at my college
used to do the same scam

with their luggage
at Christmas vacation.

- I think you can get more...
- It's-it's,

it's an original con.

- I invented it.
- Oh, okay.

What?

I don't know if the check
will be here by Friday.

What?

It might, but...

it might take six weeks.

In six weeks?

That's too late.

We just flew...
I just risked my life for...

Sorry.

In six weeks?

Who knows?

It could come sooner.
It varies.

Right.

What could come sooner?
The check?

Who even is she?

How is this person an asset?

I don't... I don't understand.

Maybe I'll go to the restroom.

- It's broken.
- Huh?

You have to use the
one outside by the gas station.

Right.

Oh.

- Yes?
- There you are, hon.

I've been calling nonstop.

Sorry, I had it
on airplane mode.

Oh, so... Okay. So you landed.

You're home. Good.

I'm watching that antique show.
Do you have it on?

Uh, yeah. You can...
Why don't you go to sleep

and we can just talk
tomorrow or some...

Are you in bed, all cozy?

Put that wool pillow
under your knees.

I'm using mine.
It's so nice.

You have something
nice and crunchy to eat?

I can't see
your face very well.

- It's so dark.
- The light's broken.

Oh. Mm. All right.

I'm ordering you
a stick-on light,

like the one in your old room.

Okay, I know.

Just which one?

What time is it there?

Our schedules are
so out of sync.

I know you'll feel better
when we're aligned back,

but that's impossible now.

- Yeah, and I...
- Okay, so it'll come Tues...

No. Yes. Tuesday. Uh-huh.

Did you get the case
of iced tea? Mm.

I saw something this morning
that made me think of you.

This is gonna make you
so happy.

Type in
"Vemo infusion pitcher."

Look on the bottom picture,
and then zoom in, zoom in,

zoom back to... Oh!

This guy's old rocking chair...
it's worth a half a million.

I had no idea. No.

He's so surprised. He had no...

I have a heist we can do,
to get the 1,500.

Okay, I'm just gonna start,
I'm gonna start talking. Okay.

So, I'm, um... I'm not
a physician's assistant.

That was, um... I don't even
know why I said that. Anyway...

I work at Abram's Optics
in the Galleria,

which, if you don't know,
is the worst branch there is.

Honestly, I'm wasting
my life there.

I just sell bifocals
to agro old people all day.

Mean but, like, also super
lonely and desperate, you know?

Like, I've been invited
to Easters and to Mahjong

and to look at scrapbooks and...

You know, I don't go because
it's gross, but if I did,

I bet you that I would find
mad antiques.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

I mean, not super fancy ones,

but I have a feeling that
if I said I liked something,

they would give it to me
for free or cheap,

and then we can sell it
and turn a tidy profit.

Boom!

Who do we sell the antiques to?

We can...

we can get a stall
at the flea market.

I love the flea market.
It is so indie.

That is a great idea.

It's just tremendous.

Right?

Three-way split.

Oh, yeah, sure. Of course.

No problem.

It's like an internship.

I'm Melanie.

All right, okay.

Uh, Melanie, meet Old Dolio.

Old... what?

Dolio.

Old Dolio.

Okay.

I like that.
I like that.

See, this is
exactly the kind of thing

that I've been wanting...

- Don't touch!
- Ah!

Don't touch the table.

I've been through tremors
a lot smaller than this.

It just turns everything
electric, like zap.

'Cause this is the way
the big one starts.

With the noise, it just keeps

building and building
and building.

But this one's not building.

The big one will be loud.

I mean, if you're lucky,
you'll get crushed.

And then you'll... you just die
right then and there.

Immediately.

- A never-ending void.
- Wow.

So, YOLO.

Am I right?

They are
real characters, super unique.

But you vouch for them, right?

Vouch?

I just mean on, like,
a level of basic safety.

I had a friend
who did stripping,

and I would never do that,

but this feels like
a little more...

Okay. You know,
if I'm being honest,

my favorite movies are
the Ocean Eleven movies.

And I just am pretty psyched

about being on, like,
an actual heist.

How did you meet them?

They're my parents.

- Oh.
- Hey, hey.

That's an interesting blouse.

Thank you.

You know, it was
actually a-a dress.

And then I just...

I like your tr-tracksuit.

Sue! You look so great!

Here we are.

This is m-my family.

I love these, Sue.

Aren't they great?

My husband gave them to me.

He got them in England.

My ancestors were British
on both sides.

I think the people are
more civilized there.

- 4:00 tea and all that.
- This is great.

Sue.

- I love this dog.
- Oh.

Blimey!

I've made a wretched mess,
I'm afraid.

Oh, that's all right, Mum.

No bother, really.

I-I didn't realize at first
that you were...

But you're not British.

No.

No. You're too dark.

There are dark people
everywhere.

I know.

I just meant what you think of
when you imagine a...

She's adopted. Yeah.

We always say we were given one
and we chose one.

Oh.

That's just how I feel
about my Doodlebug.

- Come here, baby. Yeah.
- Doodlebug.

That's a beautiful name.

- Is that...
- It's French.

Mm.

650?

- We need 1,500.
- We don't want to push it.

Deposits over 700
trigger a bank review,

so we'll do this
a few more times.

Well, two more by Friday.

- Yeah.
- What?

No.

No, this is... If we get caught,

it-it'll be much worse for me
because I'm Puerto Rican.

Isn't that amazing?

Old Dolio learned to forge
before she learned to write.

Well, actually, that's how
she did learn to write.

What about my plan?
I mean, was that just...

Your plan to cash in on the
generosity of lonely people?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ow!

You knocked off my nail.

I... I mean, what am I...

I'm gonna have to
take them all off now,

because I'm gonna look like
a crazy person

with just, like,
one nail missing.

What are you...?

Oh, okay. I can...

You need, like, special
nail polish remover for that.

Oh, uh, yep, yep, yep, yep.

This is a very liquid
and high-yield deal.

- That's right. It's a nice design.
- Um...

I mean, I hadn't noticed.

- It's kind of chic.
- Actually...

I think we should give that
to Stovik right now

- and tell him the rest is coming.
- Howdy-do.

Howdy-do. Howdy-do.

Howdy-do.

Look at this guy.

Look at...

Oh.

I feel like a senator.

Ah. I love hot tubs.

What color is your bathroom?

Do you think this one
will match?

This, like,
smoky, coraly thing?

Stop it.
You can just slide right in.

Come on in, Old Dolio.

I don't think
you're supposed to get in that.

Sure, you can.

It's a dry test.

Get on in there.

Yeah. Just make
yourselves comfy.

Here, let me,
let me help you out.

- Uh, I... I can do it. I can...
- Oops.

Yeah. Yeah.

Get yourselves comfortable.

Grab a seat.
Plenty to choose from.

Yep.

Uh...

Okay, now,
I want you guys to imagine

hot water right up to here.

Okay?
I'll get in there with you.

Hey.

Yep. Sorry.

47 adjustable massaging heads

with targeted
neck and shoulder jets.

A cascading waterfall, uh,
creating a soothing ambience.

- Oh.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, there's an ambiance.

Should I go on or...?

She's sold, right?

How much is it?

9,499. Okay?

Just $150 down and $99 a month,

with, uh, 29% APR financing.

So, you... w-we pay $150,
we can walk away with it?

Yeah.

Well, not this exact one.

It has to ship
from the warehouse.

But by the end of the day
tomorrow.

That's 150.

Um, so if I'm not happy, uh,

I can return it at any point
and get a full refund?

Well, once it's installed,
you can't...

Oh, ins... yeah. Yeah, yeah.
In-Installed, of course.

But if it hasn't
been installed?

Then sure. Yeah.

- You know, like, if it doesn't fit or if the color's off.
- Ah.

And, now, um,
the cladding is extra.

I have a suggestion for you.

What?

Wear more clothes.

You're making everybody
feel uncomfortable.

I'll get a full refund?

Okay, we got to be in and out

so we can catch the leak
by 5:00.

Okay.
Honestly, I'm kind of excited

because this guy
is such a creep.

So, his name is Abe.

Oh, God, this feels
like Mission: Impossible.

Okay. Okay, so he's
what we call a no-show.

He didn't pick up his glasses,

so I had to give him
a reminder call,

and when I did, he asked
if I can come and deliver,

which I said
normally we wouldn't do that.

But when I told him
that I was bringing my family,

he, like, was crying.

Like, so desperate. It was...

It's open.

So I just...
I just, um... Okay.

Hi.

I'm not feeling well,

but, please,
make-make yourself at home.

That's it.

Just be how you are at home.

Just a normal day
around the house.

I think he's just lonely.

Oh, he's pretending.
He wants us to...

Right, like we're his family.

He's only

two strokes back right now,
and the only thing...

Good. That's good.

M-My son used to watch that.

Oh, Robert,
always with the sports.

Why don't you
mow the lawn for once?

Nice.

Do more like that.

How was school, hon?

School was fine.

How was your day?

A little louder, please.

How was your day?

What did you do today, Mom?

That's nice...
to be asked that.

You really want to know?

Huh.

Wasn't easy.

None of my days are easy.

Why? What happened?

The refrigerator broke.

It's not in there.

- So, uh...
- Not that drawer. Try the other drawer.

You must be
the refrigerator repair person.

Okay.

I bet you meet
a lot of lonely women

when you're out in the field.

Repairing refrigerators.

Housewives must be throwing
themselves at you, huh?

'Cause, uh...

You know, if you need tools,
we have tools.

Uh, I'm just here to do a job.

Hey. Checkbook is not here.

Check his bedroom.

Come on.

This is hard.

It's like trying
to fall asleep forever.

It sounds good.

Maybe some silverware clinking.

Or play the piano.

I think it's in there,
but we have to wait.

It's 4:15.

We'll miss the leak.

He's trying to...

...die.

But we should,
we should keep on, um...

He said he wants piano playing
and s-silverware clinking.

How was school, hon?

It was fine.

But I'm starving.

M-Me, too.

Would you like
some leftover cake?

Okay.

Oh!

- He just scored?
- Oh, he scored a-a one-holer.

Do you think
I could have some of that?

Would you like some milk?

Please.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, I think I will
mow the lawn tomorrow.

You said that last weekend.

Did I?

Maybe I'll mow the lawn.

I'll just go into the garage
and get it out.

Okay.

Go check.

Go.

Am I still here?

Yeah.

You see how there's light?

You'll know because
it'll be dark all around and...

quiet.

Please...

don't do anything to the house.

My kids have plans for it.

They're not bad kids.

Just busy.

Life is...

nothing.

Just let it go without
really thinking about it.

Like you're
letting go of a...

piece of string.

Just let it...

It's not that big of a deal.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? This...

Oh.

No, I-I mean...

She has tender feelings.

You wouldn't know
anything about that.

I know.

Oh, there's no checkbook.

You're sad is what you are.

Huh?

I'm not gonna do this again.

And-and I don't think that we
should take anything from him.

Okay, okay. So here we are.

Oh, I don't know.

Somewhere there's a checkbook
in this house,

and, uh, when we find it,
we're just gonna...

we're gonna cash out the whole
$850 and be done with it,

because, quite frankly,
I'm feeling very uncomfortable.

I've been put in an
uncomfortable position, so...

Go run the buckets.

You can still make it
if you take the 53, huh?

Come on, hurry. Hurry.

Oh, my...

So, I know. Okay.
No, no. You sit down.

S-Sit down, and you have
a glass of water and...

And your son is how old?

Three.

And his name is?

Cyrus. Cy.

Okay.

Hi, Cy.

I mean, he would, too, uh,
especially with new people.

I mean, he just goes ballistic.

- It's...
- Okay.

Okay, that's good.

So, we know now that we have

a three-year-old
that tends to hit.

Okay. That's not abnormal.

So, first, I'll just observe.

Okay? All right.

Are you... hungry?

Mm, no.

Are you tired?

Mm... no.

You look excited, Cy.

Are you excited
to see the other children?

- Do you just need some of their attention?
- Yeah.

Yeah! Okay.

And sometimes that's enough.

Just verbalizing the need
is enough.

A three-year-old
that wants attention...

not unreasonable, right?

Old Dolio.

You should...
well, if you want to.

She might do one more.

No.

How about we do it together?

Maybe you get
the party started.

I'll just go,
uh, check the-the front.

Okay.

I don't think
Old Dolio likes me.

Oh. No, she-she,
she doesn't like anyone.

She's not like that.

And your daughter's name is?

Old Dolio.

Uh, Old...?

Dolio. We named her
after a homeless guy

who won the lottery, hoping
he'd put her in his will.

But Old Dolio...
the old Old Dolio...

used up all his money
at the very end

on experimental cancer stuff.

Mm. Okay.

And your daughter is...?

She doesn't know anything
about tender feelings.

Hi, Old Dolio.

Okay, so I'm just
gonna observe.

Hmm.

Are you feeling stressed?

Hmm, no. No.

Okay.

Do you want to hold my hand?

No? Okay.

Okay. Hmm.

Your hair has gotten so long.

It's beautiful, hon.

Can I brush it?

It's just a tremor. It's okay.

You're... It's okay.

You're okay with me.

Here, let's, uh, warm it up
a little bit.

Is there...?

Oh, uh, there's a drain.

It can drain.
There's a drain under there.

On the floor. In the floor.

So are you gonna return it
or sell it and then return it?

Or what do you want?

It's better with the light off.

Let's take a bath.

Are you surprised?

Maybe you didn't know
that I-I felt this way.

No.

I'm the least surprised
I've ever been in my life.

Huh.

So what's the plan?

You'll watch me undress,
and then you'll start

getting your dick hard,
then I'll get in?

Well?

Come on.

So, what were you picturing?

- Soapy titties?
- Sure.

Yeah? Sure.

Does this work?

No, right?
Of course it doesn't work.

Why would it work?

Nothing works here.

Pathetic.

So, titty fuck?

- Oh, that got your attention.
- Knock, knock.

Oh.

We want this to be
about your pleasure, too.

Oh, yeah.

Well, what makes you feel good?

- Uh, Melanie, uh, let's not...
- Listen, uh...

- Just... let's just...
- We-We're, we're surprised.

- Time for a snack, all right?
- I think, I think...

- What?
- What?

What are you guys doing?

Why-why are there crackers
on a plate?

Don't go, hon.

"Hon"?

You just...

You've never called me that.

I have.

I have called you that.

Oh?

Call me "hon," then.

What is that? Hmm?

What is this?
"Newborn to 18 years."

You can't do it.

I bet you could if it was
a job, though, right?

$1,575 to call me "hon."

Oh, three-way split.

It's 525 each.

I don't want to do it
that way this time.

It's one word. Just say it.

You could just say it.

I can't just say it.

We... don't call you "hon"

or "sweetheart" or "baby."

We don't wrap up little
birthday presents with ribbons.

- I-I don't want...
- Yes.

That's what you want.

And-and what else? Hmm?

Want me to put you
on my abdomen?

Hmm?

Make pancakes?

And you want me to do a little dance?

- No.
- Yes.

You want us to be
false, fakey people.

Hmm?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

I'll do it.

I'll call you "hon" for $1,575.

Keep walking.

Keep walking. Keep walking.

A lot of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's this?

Uh, it's a...
it's a mug warmer.

A lot of the times, my mom
will buy two of something

and just send me one.

It's Wednesday.

Wednesday it leaks three times
'cause of sanitation.

It's... it's really
a three-person job.

It's all over the floor now.

They'll be calling any second.

Just after they put
the buckets down.

Okay, uh...

thank you or whatever.

Um, here.

This should cover that.

Unless you bought it in bulk...
I don't know.

Y-You don't pay for...

Okay.

Uh...

You're jonesing.

What?

You're addicted to them.

My cousin Timothy...

when he was trying to
kick pills, he would be fine,

and then he would have
this sudden wave

of needing them really bad.

Well, I think
this is a little different

because they're my parents.

In what sense?

What?

In what sense
are they your parents?

What's an example?

We split everything three ways.

We have since I was little.

What do you spend yours on?

Your third.

W-We go in
on everything equally.

Actually,
that's another example.

That makes two things.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

Hon.

Oh, hon.

My sweetheart.

My sweet baby.

There's a check cashing place
across the street.

Oh, so you're just gonna go...?

Home.

W-Wait.

You thought I was gonna
take this much for...?

This is a full-service deal.

Uh... so...

"We don't call you 'hon, '

'sweetheart' or 'baby.'"

Did that.

"We don't make..."

Pancakes?

We don't have to...

You can just take it.

What was that thing
that she said

about putting you
on her abdomen?

Oh, it's-it's called
a breast crawl.

It's not...

Uh, do a little dance?

I don't know why she said that.

Have you ever danced?

Yeah.

Birthdays?

Birthday presents
wrapped up with a bow.

Look, let's not.

So when we've done
these things,

then I want my money
and you can go.

I have to get pancake stuff
for the morning.

The morning?

They're a morning thing.

There's a camera there,

there and there.

All Super A security systems
are on a pentagram,

so you have to move
between the points.

Basically, all the odd-numbered
aisles are free goods.

I'm buying this stuff, so...

Yeah.

It's just an...
interesting fact.

Is that okay?

Oh. Do you want to...
I have pajamas.

No. I'm good.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

What are...

Are you trying to...

rile me up?

How does this even work?

I can't...

Here's what I would do:
just one big one.

It's less flipping.

Yeah, but l-little things are...
Like, it-it's fun.

You just stack them.
Boop.

Most happiness comes from,
like, dumb things.

Okay.

Okay, uh, so...

that's that.

What's, uh... I don't...

Oh, that.

I could just crawl
out of a dark space to do that.

That's fine.

So, it'll be all dark,
and then I'll crawl out.

The light will be blinding.

And this is the abdomen.

And then we're done.

I know a place
that's darker than this.

This is fine. It'll work.

It's not gonna take long.

Oh, we're right by the 7.

You could just drop me
on the way back.

This is the...

Mm-hmm.

Light's broken.

Well, it's... it's dark, but...

but this was so far.

We could've been done by now.

Exactly.

Okay, so I guess
I'll crawl out and...

It's just a tremor.

No. This one is...

This one is building.

- Whoa!
- It's happening!

- Out. Get out.
- No! No, no, no, no.

Don't touch the door
or the walls.

Everything is live.
Just stay in the middle.

- Is the doorknob...
- It's metal. It's live.

Don't touch it. Don't touch.

It's so quiet.

I don't hear anyone.

It is quiet.

Why is it so quiet?

It's darker.

It was dark before.

No, it's completely black.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

- Oh.
- What?

You don't want to know.

We're not in life anymore.

- What?
- Yeah.

I think it happened right away.

Right after
that first big noise.

- It?
- We died.

Wh... I'm fine. I...

That's what everyone
always says right after.

They can't believe it.

You might never believe it, but
this is just how it's gonna be.

Forever.

Just us.

- In blackness.
- Stop. That's not...

You can't believe it

because you were
married to life.

Hooked on it.

I wasn't hooked, so it's not
such a big deal to me.

- It would hurt.
- I don't think so.

Please. Stop.

I can feel my face.

Yeah. That's just a memory.

I don't have any regrets.

You're gonna have
regrets, though,

because you're gonna miss sex
and dancing and pancakes.

I just had that one pancake,
so I'm not gonna be sad.

You-you looked in the mirror
so many times

you'll miss your face forever.

But I-I don't even...

I-I don't even
remember my face.

I can't even say
what I looked like.

You had long,
sandy blond hair...

- Shh.
- ...ice blue eyes and...

Stop. Shh.

- Just doesn't matter.
- And pure skin.

You know
I was just trying to rob you.

No.

You're such
a stupid little idiot,

and your brain is in your tits!

The plan was for me
to go, and then...

and-and stake out
your apartment

and-and get access
to your account...

You guys fine?

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah.

I was, I was driving.

Everyone stopped.
It was crazy.

We thought we were dead.

I didn't think that.

I'm Old Dolio.

It's wonderful to meet you.

God bless you.

Okay, I'm-I'm not religious,
but, uh...

No, I'm-I'm not, either.

I've never said that before
in my life.

How about this?

Right? You think
that was the big one?

Uh, I don't know.

- I don't think that.
- No, it was.

That was it.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Oh. Right.

This is, this is done.

Uh... I'm never
gonna forget you.

My whole life.

This... this Subaru.

I've memorized all of this.

Okay, can we...

You guys okay?

Yes. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

Yeah, these are
great structures for quakes.

Since we're open 24 hours, we
got to be ready for anything.

Have you tried everything
in this store?

Nope.

That's what I would do
if I worked here.

It's not too late.

You can try everything once
and then isolate your favorites

and-and just eat them
on a perfect day

where you just eat
all your favorite foods.

That's what I would do
if I worked here.

So, do you apply?

Or how does that work?

Do you have to take
special training

or-or a class or something?

Yes! Yes!

Come in! Come in!

I'm gonna, I'm gonna pop this.

That's how you open it, right?

You just... pop.

Okay, that comes to 29.83.

That's my money.

So, no sale, actually.

Uh, should I put all this back?

I'm-I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave.

I'm gonna... Okay.

You know, I-I didn't even...

I forgot about
that whole thing.

Did you forget about
robbing me?

You forget that
you wanted to rob me?

Wanted to gain access
to my account, remember?

My brain is in my tits?

No.

Th-That was just,
that was just a lie.

Uh...

Y-You don't believe me.

No, I believe you.

You don't.

- Well, what do I do?
- Okay.

- What can I...
- The ringer was off.

- I'm fine, Mom.
- You're okay.

- You're okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay. - Uh, here.

- I'll... You want me to...
- Oh, my God.

- I'll smash my finger with this!
- Are you all right?

- I'll do it!
- Right. That was big.

I called the second I heard.

- I've been calling and calling and...
- Come back.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my heart is still pounding.

I don't know what to do.

- It was just so...
- I don't know what to do.

- What do I do? What do I do?
- I could use a squeeze.

- Squeeze, squeeze, Mama.
- I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. I...

What is...

What is that behind you?

Maybe you should...

- Okay.
- Okay.

Thank you for waiting.

Someone will be
with you shortly.

They never pick up, so...

You don't have to do it
if you don't want to.

It's like, if you don't...

Old Dolio? Can you hear us?

Oh.

We've been, we've been calling
and calling and calling.

That was it.

It was the big one.

You okay?

You're not ready to talk yet.

That's okay.

Just leave them here.

- I am.
- Okay.

- We're-we're going now.
- Okay.

Bye-bye.

"Happy birthday.

Our little girl is 14. Love..."

Newborn.

One, two, three,
four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.

Where's the 18th one?

This is crap.

You know they're just...

I know it's some kind of job.

They're scamming me.

"Happy birthday.

"Our little girl is 18.

Cordially invite..."

They want to take me
out to dinner.

Both of us.

At Mélisse.

It's for my 18th birthday.

Is it your birthday?

No. And I'm 26.

Don't go, right?

- I have to.
- No.

No, no, no. You actually...
But you don't. You...

Then leave the money here.

Just to make sure
that they don't...

They think
I don't know anything

about a sort of
fancy restaurant like that.

Well, we're gonna walk in there
and they're gonna be like,

"Whoa. Who even are you now?"

Hi. We're meeting two others.

- Could be under Dyne.
- Mm-hmm.

They're probably gonna be late.
It's three bus rides.

Nope.

I usually like
to sit more in the back,

but this table's fine.

Thank you.

Can I start you off
with some drinks?

Uh, yes.

I'll have, uh...
Do you still have the port?

The Colheita
or the tawny 20-year?

Um, the, uh, the-the Colheita.

I-I guess I'll... I will have

the, um...

um, the "Golaca..."

Uh, actually, nothing. Water.

Oh, isn't that the woman
who gave you the massage?

Oh, hi.

Hi.

The healing arts.

That's a solid profession.

People are always in pain.

So, what do your parents do,
Melanie?

My mom works in real estate.

Oh, Robert used to...

I used to publish a, uh,

resource guide
for real estate agents.

- Yeah.
- With coupons.

We were
straight shooters back then.

I mean, if we're being
completely honest, we...

Well, it was tough times.

And, you know, the coupon book
didn't really take.

Well, we were reacting
to the era.

Uh, everybody was.

Could I see the coupon book?

Of course,
then the culture changed,

and so now we look
sort of out of step.

Oh, maybe it'll change back.

It's returnable.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday
to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday,
dear Old Dolio ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

36 hours ago, I...

Sorry.

We were very angry at you.

But, um, I see now that
it was just a base response.

It was just fear, really.

Just fear.

And then, after the big one
happened, I...

This is hard.

I'm not good at this.

After the... I...
we got very worried.

We didn't think you were dead,

but if you were dead...

I would have regretted not...

...doing enough things
to show you...

See, because,
I don't know, I just...

um, I just... I always
thought it was insulting

to treat you like a child.

It just, it just always
seemed so insincere.

And-and I thought
we agreed on that.

You know?

Um, but when, um...

after the...

the thing I just kept thinking
is I just want to,

I just want
to hold her face.

We've been very lucky
to have you.

Oh, God.

We are very, very lucky
to have you as our daughter.

I'm sorry.

I'm just sorry.

Hey.

Good night, sweet daughter.

Have sweet dreams.

Um, in the morning,
if you want, uh...

I can make pancakes.

T-Tomorrow's Friday.

The check.

We cashed it,
but we haven't spent it.

Don't worry about the rent.

We're the parents.

We'll handle it.

We've got a plan.

Okay.

Um, I guess I'll s...

...see you tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- Yep.

So, if it's gone,

they're monsters
and this whole night was a lie.

Okay?

But if it's there,
then this is all real.

You'll believe that.

Wait, wait. Um...

If it's just my third, 525...

...then that means...

"We can only ever be
how we are.

"But we love you and, um...

...we wish you well."

It's all there.

I'll probably take off early
tomorrow before you're up.

Thank you for everything.

Really.

No problem.

Oh.

So what?

What?

Okay, so your refund
comes to 485.05.