Just One of the Guys (1985) - full transcript

(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS)

* IT WAS JUST
ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT

* I WAS JAMMING
WITH THE GUYS

* HANG OUT ON THE CORNER

* JUST A-WATCHING
THE GIRLS GO BY

* SUDDENLY, I NOTICED
THEY WERE STARING BACK AT ME

* AND WHEN
I TOOK A CLOSER LOOK

* I COULDN'T HELP BUT SEE

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING



* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* DRIVES 'EM CRAZY

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* MAKES 'EM HOT

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* JUST AIN'T GOT

* WOO OOH OOH

* LIKE A BEE
THAT NEEDS ITS HONEY

* LIKE A MOTH
DRAWN TO A FLAME

* GIRLS IS JUST
A FACT OF LIFE



* THEY'RE CAPTURED
BY THE GAME

* THAT'S THE WAY
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN

* SINCE ADAM
FELL FOR EVE

* JUST ONE TASTE
IS ALL IT TAKES

* TO MAKE
THE BOYFRIEND NEED

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* DRIVES 'EM CRAZY

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* GETS 'EM HOT

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* WOO

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* BOYS AIN'T GOT

* OH OH OH OH

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING

TERRY...

WHY AREN'T YOU
IN SCIENCE?

I HAVE
TO TALK TO YOU.

I'M REALLY
INTO THIS ARTICLE.

I NEED
YOUR ADVICE.

YOU'RE
MY BEST FRIEND.

I'M REALLY
STRESSED OUT!

THREE GUYS WANT
TO TAKE ME OUT SATURDAY NIGHT.

I'LL NEED
A REAL BOYFRIEND BY THE PROM.

WHO ARE THE GUYS?

IF I TELL YOU,
DON'T LAUGH.

YOU HAVE
THE PERFECT COLLEGE BOYFRIEND.

YOU THINK
KEVIN'S PERFECT?

HE'S A GOD, OKAY?

CAN WE TALK
ABOUT ME NOW?

WHERE WAS I?

BRUCE SCHULMAN,

EDWARD ZINK,

AND ROGER GIBBLER.

THIS IS SERIOUS.

I KNOW.

OKAY. ON A SCALE
OF LAME TO CUTE,

WHO RATES
THE LEAST LOW?

THEY'RE ALL LAME.

IN A RENT-A-TUX,

ROGER MIGHT MOVE UP
TO SEMI-LAME.

WHO'S GOT
THE HOTTEST CAR?

A PINTO,
DAD'S SKYLARK, AND A SCHWINN.

YOU'LL HAVE
TO SKIP THE PROM.

HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY...

LISTEN UP.

YOU'VE BEEN
GIVING ME GRIEF

ABOUT THIS JOURNALISM
COMPETITION.

I GOT ALL
OF YOUR SUBMISSIONS READY.

DURING MY PLANNING PERIOD,
I PICKED THE BEST TWO.

THEN FROM THOSE...

AND FROM THOSE SUBMITTED
AT STURCHES WILDER...

-BOO!
-BOO!

-BOO!
-BOO!

THANK YOU.

THE TRIB WILL PICK ONE

AND AWARD SOMEBODY
A SUMMER INTERNSHIP.

I'LL POST THE NAMES
OF THE WINNERS AFTER LUNCH.

TUNA SALAD ON WHOLE WHEAT.

A SUMMER JOB
AT THE SUN-TRIBUNE.

A LIZARD WILL TAKE
ME TO THE PROM!

YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.

HI, DENISE.

ARE YOU BUSY
SATURDAY NIGHT?

SORRY.

MR. RAYMAKER...

MR. VINO
RAN OVER A DOG.

SHOULD I
TAKE A PHOTOG?

NO.

WHAT'S UP, TERRY?

HOW'S IT GOING, TERRY?

HI, GUYS.

HI, GUYS.

BYE... GUYS.

AM I INVISIBLE?

THEY WERE
IN A HURRY.

YOU ARE SO HOT!

BUDDY.

I JUST ATE.

THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY, BUD.

ANYTIME, SIS.

OUR PARENTS TOOK OFF
FOR TWO WEEKS.

THEIR KING-SIZE BED
IS EMPTY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IF WE WERE THE LAST
PEOPLE ON EARTH,

THE HUMAN RACE
WOULD DIE.

YOU WANT TIME
TO THINK.

I UNDERSTAND.

I HAVE TWO WORDS
FOR YOU.

SLUMBER PARTY.

WE'LL INVITE
EVERY GIRL.

TALL, SHORT,
LOOSE, EASY...

THEY CAN
USE MY BEDROOM, MY BODY...

I WANT TO HELP.

YOU WANT TO MOLEST
MY FRIENDS?

FORGET IT.

WHY?

YOU'LL HAVE A PARTY,

AND I'LL... UH-UH-UH!

OH, GOD.

DOES HE DO THIS
AT THE DINNER TABLE?

IT'S NOT LIKE
I'VE NEVER HAD SEX.

ONLY I'D LIKE IT
WITH A PARTNER.

WE MUST GET BACK
TO SCHOOL.

YES. WE MUST GET BACK.

I WONDER
IF MY ARTICLE'S
IN THE TROPHY CASE.

WE MUST GET GOING.

I'M 15 YEARS OLD.

IN TWO YEARS,
I REACH MY SEXUAL PEAK.

THE CLOCK'S TICKING.

I HAVE TO GET JAMMING.

DON'T YOU HEAR
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE
EMBARRASSED?

NOPE. I'M HORNY.

HORNY WILL KICK
EMBARRASSMENT'S
ASS EVERY TIME.

BUDSTER, LISTEN TO ME...

YOUR FIRST TIME SHOULD
BE REALLY SPECIAL.

I GUARANTEE
I'LL BE IN LOVE.

THERE'S LISA MacADOO.

I'LL HEAR SHE'LL DO
ANYTHING WITH ANYBODY.

SHE LOOKS PRETTY
CHEAP TO ME.

ME, TOO.

I AM SO EXCITED.

THIS JOB MEANS
EVERYTHING TO ME.

WE CAN INTERVIEW
ALL THE CUTE JOCKS.

YOU'LL BE SO PROUD.

I'LL MAKE
A GREAT REPORTER.

I'M NOT THERE.

WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?

NEAL PERLOW
AND JOSEPH DREYER?

I HAD TERRY GRIFFIN,
FOURTH PERIOD CIVICS.

DID YOU SEE
WHAT SHE'S WEARING?

THOSE LEGS DON'T STOP!

FLUNK HER.
KEEP HER HERE.

BE CAREFUL, GEORGE.

YOU COULD
LOSE YOUR JOB.

BE WORTH IT.

SHE'S GOT
GREAT JUGS.

TERRY.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH MY ARTICLE?

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING
WRONG WITH IT PER SE.

IT'S JUST NOT
OUTSTANDING WORK.

I THINK SO.

WHAT DO YOU GIVE ME
STRAIGHT As FOR?

I GIVE YOU As
BECAUSE OF YOUR HARD WORK.

YOU WRITE WELL.

BUT THIS CONTEST
IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

"DOES THIS PERSON
HAVE A NOSE FOR THE NEWS?"

"DO THEY FIND THE MOST
INTERESTING ANGLE?"

YOU'RE SAYING
THE NUTRITIONAL CONTENT

OF OUR SCHOOL
LUNCHES ISN'T INTERESTING.

I KNOW YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED.

I HAD TO PICK KIDS

WHO COULD REALLY
BECOME
PROFESSIONAL JOURNALISTS.

I WILL BE A REPORTER.

THAT'S GOOD.

I LIKE THAT ATTITUDE.

SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON?

LIKE WHAT?

YOU'RE PRETTY.
YOU COULD BE A MODEL.

BECAUSE A PRETTY GIRL
CAN'T HAVE A BRAIN?

WHAT I MEANT...

I KNOW!

THIS ARTICLE BELONGS
AT THE SUN-TRIBUNE.

YOU ARE SO CLOSE
TO LIKE...

IT IS REALLY PATHETIC.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

TERRY, IT'S
MR. WONDERFUL.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

ALWAYS WHEN I'M BUSY.

(RING)

SHE'S OUT BACK.

WHAT TOOK YOU?

I KNEW
IT WAS YOU.

YOU'RE SO YOUNG.

WHAT A WASTE
OF A SPORTS CAR.

LISTEN, EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE OKAY.

HOW'D THIS
GET IN HERE?

YOU ALWAYS
TIE DOUBLE KNOTS

KEVIN, PLEASE,
FORGET THE KNOT.

I NEED SYMPATHY.

I HAD MY HEART SET
ON THAT SUMMER JOB.

OH, TERRY.

I KNOW EXACTLY
HOW YOU FEEL.

CAN I TELL YOU
A LITTLE STORY?

WHEN I WAS A KID,

I WAS OBSESSED
WITH BEING A FIREMAN.

I SET LITTLE FIRES AND
PRACTICED DOUSING THEM.

WHEN I WAS 12, I LEARNED
I COULDN'T BE A FIREMAN.

WHY, WHAT HAPPENED?

I FOUND OUT WHAT
THEIR SALARY WAS.

PITIFUL.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND

I DON'T CARE
WHAT REPORTERS MAKE?

I CAN'T REMEMBER

EVER WANTING
TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.

IT'S DISCOURAGING
WHEN RAYMAKER SAYS

I SHOULD
BECOME A MODEL.

WHY NOT?
YOU'RE A KNOCKOUT.

BESIDES, MODELS
MAKE PRETTY NICE BUCKS.

YOU DON'T THINK
I CAN DO IT, EITHER.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT I SAID.

IT WAS CLOSE ENOUGH.

IT'S LUCKY
I LOVE YOU... I THINK.

I'D PROBABLY NEVER
SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

I'D LIKE
TO BE ALONE, PLEASE.

BE ALONE WHEN
YOUR PARENTS ARE HOME.

SINCE YOU HAVEN'T
LISTENED, READ MY LIPS.

GOODBYE, KEVIN.

WOULD YOU RATHER
SPEND THE NIGHT
AT THE FRAT HOUSE?

ALL MEN CARE
ABOUT IS SEX.

I RESENT THAT.

BIG IMPROVEMENT, HUH?

THE ROOM
NEEDED SOMETHING.

YOUR ROOM IS WHY
MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP.

YOU GUYS THINK WOMEN
ARE JUST DECORATIONS,

TOTAL AIRHEADS.

HEY, NOT ME.

THESE WOMEN HAVE
MY DEEPEST RESPECT.

FOR SHOWING THEIR BOOBS?

AND FOR THEIR MINDS.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS
KIM READS VONNEGUT

IN HER BUBBLE BATH.

LOU ANN DEDICATED
HER CENTERFOLD

TO HELP CLEAN UP
TOXIC WASTE.

THE ONLY REASON

BARBARA STUDIES
PHYSICS BUCK NAKED

IS BECAUSE
THAT LIBRARY IS HOT.

ADMIT IT, BUDDY.

YOU'D LOVE
TO SPEND YOUR LIFE

USING WOMEN'S BODIES.

ALL BUT
THE LAST MINUTE.

I'D LIKE
A LITTLE TIME TO REMINISCE.

CONSIDER SOMETHING
MORE PROFOUND
THAN GETTING LAID.

A BLOW JOB?

SORRY.

THIS TOPS OFF MY DAY.

IT'S LIKE WOMEN'S LIB
NEVER EXISTED.

TODAY'S WOMAN IS FREE
TO BE AS PERVERTED AS GUYS.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I MEAN, I WRITE
AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE,

AND BECAUSE I'M CUTE,
NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY.

SOMEHOW YOU FIND
THE COURAGE TO GO ON LIVING.

YOU'VE GOT GUTS.

SOMETIMES
I WISH I WERE A GUY.

NO, YOU DON'T.

THE MALE NEEDS
SEX CONSTANTLY.

IT'S A LIVING HELL.

IF A GUY SUBMITTED
THAT ARTICLE,

IT'D BE AT THE
SUN-TRIBUNE NOW.

YEAH, NO KIDDING.

DOES MISS APRIL
LOOK STRAIGHT?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

WHAT ARE THE ODDS
IT'S A NYMPHOMANIAC?

IS YOUR SISTER HOME?

YEAH.

TERRY,
YOU GOT COMPANY.

TERRY?

I JUST FOOLED
MY OWN BROTHER.

I WASN'T
PAYING ATTENTION.

NOW I AM.
HELLO, TERRY.

I THINK I CAN
PULL THIS OFF.

THIS MORNING
I KNEW HER.

EVERYTHING
WAS GREAT.

NOW SHE'S
WEARING MY CLOTHES.

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, TOOTSIE?

NO.

OKAY, YENTL?

YOU WANT
TO BE A RABBI?

TELL ME
WHAT'S WRONG.

REALLY?

OKAY.

NO... UH...

LOOK HOW
YOU'RE STANDING.

DROP YOUR HANDS.

OKAY, NOW, STICK
YOUR HIP IN.

ALL RIGHT, NOW MOVE
YOUR FEET APART.

GUYS TAKE UP SPACE.

YOU'VE GOT TO
LOOK TOUGHER.

VERY CRUCIAL.

SOMETHING
EVERY GUY DOES.

SCRATCH YOUR BALLS.

COME ON, TRY IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WATCH THE MASTER.

NOW, FIRST, THERE'S
YOUR BASIC SHIFT.

AH.

IF THAT'S
NOT ENOUGH,

YOU'VE GOT
TO GET INSIDE.

DIG A LITTLE.

MOVE THINGS AROUND.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE
MY BALLS DON'T ITCH.

ALL BALLS ITCH.

IT'S A FACT.

MAYBE THIS WOULD HELP.

NOT BAD.

SHIT. MAYBE I
SHOULD TRY THAT.

OKAY. LET'S
SEE YOU WALK.

HOLD IT.

LOOK, YOU
GOT BALLS NOW.

USE THEM.

SAY, BABY,
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I'M A LEAN,
MEAN, SEX MACHINE.

SAY, BABY,
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I'M A LEAN,
MEAN, SEX MACHINE.

THAT'S HOW IT IS.

YOU'LL PASS.
JUST DON'T MOVE.

I'M GOING TO DO IT.

I'LL SUBMIT
THAT ARTICLE AS A GUY.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
YOU GET IN DRAG.

YOU DON'T THINK
I CAN DO IT, DO YOU?

NO WAY.

BUT I'D LOVE
TO SEE YOU TRY.

HOW YOU DOING?

WE'LL TALK MORE LATER.

THE KEY IS TO WORK OUT
EVERY POSSIBLE MINUTE.

NO WEIGHTS?
USE FRESHMEN.

I'M SERIOUS.

EXCUSE ME,

THIS WILL JUST
TAKE A MINUTE.

GET A GOOD GRIP...

BEND YOUR KNEES
AND LIFT...

ONE, TWO,

ONE, TWO...

NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

GREAT FOR
THE DELTOIDS.

THANKS, KID.

WHO INVITED YOU?

UH, I'M NEW HERE.

JUST WHAT WE NEED,
ANOTHER PUSSY.

STRONG AS AN OX,
AND ALMOST AS SMART.

OOH.
OOH.

ANOTHER GOOD EXERCISE
FOR UPPER BODY STRENGTH...

THE PUSSY TOSS,
FOR DISTANCE.

HEY, GET OFF ME!

OW!

WATCH THE PRICKLERS.

DAMN!

GREAT BUNCH OF GUYS.

YOU MET GREG TOLEN.

HE RUNS THE SCHOOL.

I'M RICK MOOREHOUSE.

TRY NOT TO
GET US CONFUSED.

WILLY, GIVE US A SYNOPSIS OF
CATCHER IN THE RYE?

(SPEAKING MARTIAN)

CATCHER IN THE RYE...

A NOVEL BY
THE EARTHLING SALINGER

EVERY ADULT HOMO SAPIEN
IS FORCED TO READ.

YOU DIDN'T
READ IT, DID YOU?

OUR MISSION
ON EARTH

IS TO STUDY
HUMAN PATTERNS.

LAST NIGHT
WE SIMULATED

A TEENAGE RITUAL,
HOMEWORK AVOIDANCE.

WE CONSUMED
LARGE QUANTITIES
OF FERMENTED HOPS,

AND WERE TRANSFORMED
INTO DEGENERATE PARTY ANIMALS.

CAN I GO
TO THE RESTROOM?

THREE MINUTES.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT GALAXY YOU'RE FROM.

YOU'VE BEEN PULLING
THIS ROUTINE FOR THREE YEARS.

YOU BETTER STRAIGHTEN UP.

I WANT THAT HOMEWORK NOW.

THE EARTH WOMAN
SEEMS SO TENSE,

IRRITABLE.

TOO MUCH COFFEE.

NOT ENOUGH SEX.

(SPEAKING MARTIAN)

BRRSSSHHHH!

* YEAH

* ON THE STREETS,
PEOPLE TALK

* ALL THE STRANGERS
THAT YOU MEET

* WATCH YOU MOVE,
HOW YOU WALK

* LITTLE SECRETS

* TAKE IT OUT

* FACE TO FACE

* CROSS THAT LINE
OF FANTASY

* IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN
COME ALONG WITH ME

* ONE OF THE GUYS

* STICK TOGETHER

* REPUTATION'S
OUT ON THE STREET

* ONE OF THE GUYS

* HARD TO MEASURE

* WHEN THE LOVE
IS TO START... *

JUST FINISHED.

I CARE.

* NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT'S INSIDE

* GIRL, YOU'RE
HUNGRY FOR THE DREAM

* IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN
COME ALONG WITH ME

* ONE OF THE GUYS

* STICK TOGETHER

* REPUTATION'S
OUT ON THE STREET

* ONE OF THE GUYS

WAY TO GO, BIG TER.

* THEY STICK TOGETHER

* REPUTATION'S
OUT ON THE STREET

* ONE OF THE GUYS

TABLE PRESSING.

GOOD FOR STRENGTH
AND DEFINITION.

FULL EXTENTION
IS VERY IMPORTANT.

NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

GOTCHA!

UH...
COACH MORRISON...

ONE MOMENT, SON.

BOWLING...
GREAT GAME.

THE GREATEST.

BUT IT'S MORE
THAN A GAME.

IT'S THE ULTIMATE
CHALLENGE.

ONE MAN,

ONE BALL,

10 PINS.

10 FRAMES, TOO.

EXACTLY!

COACH, I JUST TRANSFERRED
FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL.

I'M WITHOUT
GYM CLOTHES,

SO I'LL GO
TO STUDY HALL.

HOLD IT.

EVERYONE DRESSES
FOR MY GYM CLASS.

EVERYONE.

GREAT.

I HAVE SURPRISE
JOCK INSPECTIONS

THREE TIMES
A WEEK.

A WORD
TO THE WISE...

WEAR IT.

HEY, MARK!
THROW ME A TOWEL.

I HATE GYM.

I REALLY
HATE GYM.

AHEM.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, IT'S SPREADING.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
ANYTHNG LIKE THIS?

NEVER.

SHOWER SQUAD!
GET THE NEW KID!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(BELL RINGS)

EVERYBODY OUT!
FIRE!

TAKE ONLY
ESSENTIAL MATERIALS.

WE HAVE A SABOTEUR
IN OUR GYM CLASS.

A REAL SCUM!

A NIMROD.

WHOEVER STARTED
THAT FIRE...

IS A HUMAN
GUTTERBALL.

A ZERO!

SHERPICO,
I HAVE TOLD YOU

NO CREATURES
IN MY GYM CLASS.

THE ALLIGATORS
WOULD HAVE EATEN
HIM IN THE LOCKER.

YOU GET RID OF IT OR
I'LL GET RID OF IT.

SHH.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY.

HE'S JUST UPSET.
DON'T WORRY.

SIT. SIT.

STAY. GOOD BOY.

I'LL BE BACK SOON.

I'LL TAKE WILLIE,
YOU TAKE PHIL.

OKAY, COME ON, GUYS.

-AHH!
-AHH!

(WHISTLE)

SHIRTS! SKINS!

SHIRTS! SKINS!

AHH! AGH!

GOT A PROBLEM, SON?

STOMACH...
SHOOTING PAINS.

I ATE IN
THE CAFETERIA.

COME ON,
TOUGH IT OUT.

WHEN LIFE ROLLS YOU
A 7-10 SPLIT,

WHAT DO YOU DO?

GO TO THE NURSE?

NO! YOU AIM FOR
THE SEVEN PIN,

LET 'ER RIP!

AGH!

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

THE REST OF YOU
PINHEADS PLAY BALL.

THIS IS GOOD WORK.

I KNEW IT.

THANKS, MR. MENDOSA.

BUT I CAN'T SEND IT
TO THE SUN TRIBUNE.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I CAN'T SEND IT.

YOUR WRITING
SKILLS ARE FINE,

BUT THIS STUFF
IS REALLY BORING.

YOU'VE GOT
TO GRAB THE READER.

GOOSE THEM A LITTLE.

RIGHT.

GOOSE THEM.

JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE A GUY

DOESN'T MEAN
YOU CAN'T WRITE

WITH SENSITIVITY,
FEELING, HEART.

BUT YOU DO
SHOW PROMISE.

I'M NOT CHOOSING
THE WINNERS

UNTIL A WEEK
FROM MONDAY.

THINK OF SOMETHING
EXCITING.

TRY AGAIN.

YEAH, WELL, UH...

THANKS.

TERRY, I HATE
WHEN YOU'RE DEPRESSED.

IF YOU'RE
THIS UPSET OVER YOUR LIFE,

I SHOULD
BE SUICIDAL.

LOOK WHAT
KEVIN SENT YOU.

I'D DO ANYTHING
TO COME HOME AND FIND ROSES.

CAN WE DEFINE,
"ANYTHING"?

MAYBE RAYMAKER WAS
RIGHT ABOUT MY ARTICLE.

BUT I KNOW
I CAN DO BETTER.

I'M JUST CONFUSED.

OF COURSE,
YOU'RE CONFUSED.

YOU'RE WEARING
MY UNDERWEAR.

TERRY, FORGET IT.

COME BACK TO PEARL.

SO YOU GOT
A BAD HAIRCUT.

YOU'VE GOT A
FABULOUS BOYFRIEND.

I CAN'T GIVE UP.

TODAY WAS A DISASTER,

BUT THEY THOUGHT
I WAS A GUY.

I WAS IN THE BOY'S
LOCKER ROOM!

CAN I BE YOUR
YOUNGER BROTHER?

THERE'S
A STORY HERE.

I'VE GOT A WEEK
TO FIND IT.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT,

"GIRL GETS
IN LOCKER ROOM, TURNS STUPID."

I CAN STILL
WIN THAT JOB.

TOMORROW
I'LL START MAKING FRIENDS.

ANY FRIENDS
I CAN FIND.

WHAT IF KEVIN FINDS OUT
ABOUT THE LOCKER ROOM?

WOULD WOODWARD
AND BERNSTEIN

WORRY ABOUT
THEIR GIRLFRIENDS?

NO.

ANYWAY, KEVIN
WILL NEVER FIND OUT.

UNLESS I TELL HIM...

WHICH I
WOULD NEVER DO

AS LONG AS DENISE
COOPERATES.

DENISE?

WHEN PIGS FLY.

NEVER HURTS TO ASK.

IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I CAN'T FIND THE BACK
OF MY EARRING.

AM I SUPPOSED TO WALK
AROUND WITH ONE EARRING?

IT'S SO PUNK.

BREAK THE ERASER
OFF A PENCIL.

IT'LL HOLD YOUR
EARRING ALL DAY.

OH, THANKS.

I HAVE SISTERS.

EVERYTHING EATS
AND IS EATEN BY SOMETHING.

DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY.

REMEMBER
WHAT I...

HI, UH...
I'M TERRY GRIFFITH.

OH, HI.

I'M HAROLD
"REPTILE" SHERPICO.

IT'S TIME TO FEED
SNOWBALL HIS LUNCH.

OH, SNOWBALL.

HE'S CUTE.

THAT'S NOT SNOWBALL.

THIS IS SNOWBALL.

THAT'S LUNCH.

THEY DON'T
MAKE SNAKE CHOW.

IT WAS NICE
MEETING YOU.

NICE
MEETING YOU, TOO.

WANT SOME COMPANY?

WANT SOME COMPANY?

WANT SOME COMPANY?

UH, YEAH, SURE.

I'M TERRY GRIFFITH.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I FORGOT YOUR NAME.

RICK MOOREHOUSE.

YEAH. THAT'S IT.

LAST TIME, I WAS
IN SOME BUSHES.

BIG FUN
BEING NEW, HUH?

ARE YOU NEW?

TWO MONTHS AGO.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL
NEW KID.

I REALLY KNOW
HOW TO REGISTER.

EXCUSE ME.

HI. THANKS.

IT WORKED GREAT.

HE FIXED
MY EARRING.

THAT'S BECAUSE
HE'S A LITTLE TULIP.

YOU KNOW
DEBORAH STROBRIDGE?

NOT REALLY.

BUT I MEAN,
SHE TALKED TO YOU.

DEBORAH STROBRIDGE
IS PERFECTION.

SEEMS LIKE SHE'S
GOT A BOYFRIEND.

THERE'S NO
ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.

ARE YOU A SENIOR?

YEAH.

YOU GOING
TO COLLEGE?

I LIKE MUSIC.

I'D LIKE THAT FIELD,

BUT I'M UNSURE
ABOUT SCHOOL.

I DIG MUSIC, TOO.

I LIKE THE CLASH,
THE TALKING HEADS,
SPRINGSTEEN.

THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

LISTEN TO THIS.

LOOK.

WHAT A FOX...

DRESSES LIKE
ELVIS COSTELLO,

LOOKS LIKE THE
KARATE KID.

I'M GOING
TO GET HIM.

SEVERE
INTESTINAL DISORDER?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU HAVING
A LITTLE TUMMY ACHE?

WHAT ARE YOU?
A PUSSY?

UH...

MY DOCTOR SAID
I SHOULD BE OKAY

BY NEXT MONDAY.

I GUESS I'LL GO
TO STUDY HALL.

NO, YOU WON'T.

I HAVE A LITTLE JOB
FOR YOU, SON.

HERE YOU GO.

HERE. KNOCK
YOURSELF OUT.

LOOKS LIKE
YOU NEED TWO.

DRAGON
COMING THROUGH.

WATCH YOUR TOES.

COME ON, FIFI.
DON'T DAWDLE.

WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?

NOTHING.

TULIP.

HI.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

HI.

I'M SANDY.

TERRY.

I KNOW.

THAT'S
AN INCREDIBLE TIE.

WHERE
DID YOU GET IT?

AT A STORE.

BITCHIN'.

YOU PROBABLY
DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I GOT ONE BACK HOME.

LONG-DISTANCE
RELATIONSHIP?

GOOD LUCK.

YO, RICK!

WANT
A RIDE HOME?

UH... SURE.

WELL, GOT
TO GO, SANDY.

I GUESS I'LL
SEE YOU AROUND.

YEAH. YOU WILL.

SHE'S PRETTY NICE.

YEAH, BUT I
GOT ONE RULE...

I NEVER DATE
GIRLS WHO SAY "BITCHIN'."

PULL UP RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS FINE.

THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

WELL, UH... WHAT
ARE YOU DOING NOW?

NOTHING.
WANT TO COME IN?

I WAS GOING
TO PLAY FOOTBALL,

BUT, YEAH,
I GOT TIME.

OKAY.

IF MY MOM RETURNS
AND ASKS YOU
ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND...

HER NAME'S ALICE.

SHE RESEMBLES
CHRISSY EVERT LLOYD.

I DON'T WANT HER
WORRYING ABOUT MY SOCIAL LIFE.

YEAH, BUT
CHRIS EVERT LLOYD?

IT WAS
WIMBLEDON WEEK.

DO YOU WANT A BEER?

YEAH. I'LL
TAKE A BREWSKI.

SO YOU DON'T REALLY
HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

YOU GUESSED IT.

WHAT ABOUT THE PROM?

SO?

IT SOUNDS ALL RIGHT...

RENTING
THAT BIG SURF PLACE.

DON'T YOU
WANT TO GO?

IT'S
A ROMANTIC NIGHT.

I WON'T TAKE
MY MOM.

DID YOU ASK ANYONE?

WELL, YOU'D
BETTER GET GOING!

WHO'S YOUR
FIRST CHOICE?

YOU ASK LOTS
OF QUESTIONS.

WE'RE RAPPING
MAN-TO-MAN.

STILL A VIRGIN?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW?

WEREN'T YOU
PAYING ATTENTION?

ARE YOU A VIRGIN?

NO.

HAVE YOU SLEPT
WITH LOTS OF GIRLS?

NO. HAVE YOU
SLEPT WITH GIRLS?

YEAH.

LET'S HEAR
THE STORY.

NO BIG DEAL.

AFTER MY DAD DIED,

THIS FRIEND OF MOM'S
WANTED TO CHEER ME UP.

SHE DID.

IS THAT YOUR ROOM?

DON'T GO IN.
IT'S MESSY.

THIS IS DIFFERENT.

I'M KIND OF
INTO JAMES BROWN.

I GUESS SO.

YOU KNOW PRINCE,
MICHAEL JACKSON?

IT ALL STARTED WITH
THE GODFATHER OF SOUL.

MR. DYNAMITE, THE HARDEST
WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS.

NEW YORK CITY, LIVE,
APOLLO THEATER, 1962.

THIS MAN WAS KING.

LET'S HEAR
SOME SOUNDS.

I DON'T THINK SO.

STEREO BROKEN?

IT'S SOMETHING
I DO ALONE.

WHEN I HEAR JAMES,
I DANCE LIKE JAMES.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M USUALLY ALONE
WHEN I DO IT.

THAT'S COOL.
I RESPECT THAT.

HOW ABOUT
ANOTHER BREWSKY?

OKAY.

BUDSTER,
THE REFRIGERATOR
GIVES NEW MEANING

TO THE WORD "EMPTY."

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT BREAKFAST.

THIS STUFF
TASTES GREAT COLD.

YOU AGREED TO DO
HALF THE SHOPPING HERE.

RIGHT.
THE SECOND HALF.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL DO THE DISHES.

THANK YOU.

I CAN SEE MYSELF.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO.

HEY, YO, SCUMBAG.

SUCK YOUR OWN.

EAT ME.

SAME TO YOU, BUTTFACE.

MOM SAYS HI.

YO, RICK.
HOW THEY HANGING?

IT'S TERRY.

WEAR SOMETHING REALLY
HIP TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

WE'LL GET YOU
A PROM DATE.

JUST DO WHAT I SAY.

OKAY.

YEAH.

BYE-BYE...
UH, SCUMBAG.

SHIT. HE HUNG UP.

GRRR!

RAWR!

THIS IS
YOUR IDEA OF HIP?

A GUYS WHO'S
INTO JAMES BROWN?

COULD WE FORGET
THE WHOLE THING?

THERE'S NO REASON YOU
SHOULD MISS THAT PROM.

NO GIRL WOULD
TURN YOU DOWN.

SO COME ON.

WHO IS SHE?

RED SWEATER.

CUTE SHOES.

HUH?

GO FOR IT.

JUST WALTZ OVER
AND ASK HER OUT?

YOU GOT TO SAY
SOMETHING NICE,

LIKE HOW PRETTY
HER EYES ARE.

GIRLS EAT UP
THAT CRAP.

COME ON.

HI, JEANINE.

HI.

I KEEP
FORGETTING YOUR NAME.

RICK MOOREHOUSE.

I SIT NEXT TO
YOU IN CIVICS.

YOU HAVE
BEAUTIFUL EYES.

I'LL BET.

DO YOU HAVE A...

A PROM DATE?

OF COURSE. IT'S
NEXT WEEK. WHY?

OFFICIAL PROM
COMMITTEE SURVEY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

TERRY.

THIS IS THE ONE.
YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I'VE ASKED
EVERYBODY ELSE.

NO.

BECAUSE I'VE
GOT THIS FEELING.

I'VE HAD IT BEFORE,
BUT THIS TIME...

UH...

BETH.

DOING ANYTHING,
UH, PROM NIGHT?

I'M GOING
TO THE PROM.

WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?

I'M BUSY.

NIGHT?

BUSY.

SUNDAY?

HOW ABOUT ANY
NIGHT IN 1987?

I'M BUSY.

HOW ABOUT YESTERDAY?

YOU BUSY YESTERDAY?

I THINK SO,
BUT ASK AGAIN.

HI, TERRY.

OH, HEY, SANDY.

WORD'S OUT
YOUR FRIEND NEEDS A DATE.

HE'D LOVE MY
COUSIN. SHE'S CUTE.

HOW CUTE?

EXTREMELY.
SHE'S GOT,
LIKE, JOAN COLLINS' EYES,

CHRISTIE
BRINKLEY'S TEETH.

WHAT ABOUT
THE REST OF HER?

DYNAMITE. RICK
HAS TO MEET HER.

HOW ABOUT YOU, ME,
RICK, AND JILL

MEET UP AT
THE CAVE TONIGHT?

UH...

COME ON.
WE'LL HAVE FUN.

THIS JILL BETTER
BE SOME GIRL.

* I WANT A LOVER
WITH A SLOW HAND

* I WANT A LOVER
WITH AN EASY TOUCH

* I WANT A LOVER
WHO WILL SPEND SOME TIME

* NOT COME AND GO...

BUDDY, CAN I
BORROW YOUR JACKET?

* I WANT SOMEBODY...

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

JUST CLEANING
THE HOUSE.

BUDSTER, ARE
YOU ALL RIGHT?

HUH.

I AM AWESOME.

LINDA IS ON
HER WAY OVER.

JUST OUT
OF CURIOSITY,

DOES THIS GIRL KNOW
SHE'S COMING OVER

TO LIGHT UP
YOUR LIFE?

TECHNICALLY
SPEAKING, NOT REALLY.

WE'LL START OFF
WITH SOME ALGEBRA.

ONCE I TURN ON
THE CHARM, SHE'S MINE.

HAND ME THAT
MASSAGE BOOK, PLEASE.

BUD, TAKE
THE SUBTLE APPROACH.

HANG SOME SALAMIS
FROM THE CEILING.

AT LEAST MY DATE'S
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

I'M JUST SEEING
SANDY FOR RICK.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO RESEARCH?

THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

YOU'RE TOYING WITH THIS
POOR GIRL'S EMOTIONS.

ALL YOU TRANSVESTITES
ARE ALIKE.

YOU DISGUST ME.

BUT OF COURSE,

THAT ISN'T
THE REAL PROBLEM HERE.

OH? WHAT IS?

SANDY'S HOT FOR YOU.

SHE MIGHT TEAR
YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

THAT'S WHAT
ROXANNE DOYLE DID.

WHAT DO I DO THEN?

CALL ME.

I COULD BE THERE
IN 15 MINUTES.

YOU CAN'T CALL ME.

YOU CAN'T COME HOME.

YOU'LL HAVE TO
SLEEP IN THE CAVE.

THE CAVE.

OH, GOD.

I WANT TO TOAST
MY GOOD FRIEND RICK,

A GUY WITH
A SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND HERE'S TO SUMMER.

SIXTH GRADE
IS SO BOGUS.

IT'S A JOKE.

WANT TO
TAKE A WALK?

THEY NEED
SOME PRIVACY.

JILL.

YOU ANIMAL, YOU.

COME ON.

HEY, WAIT!

WHERE YOU GOING?

DON'T
LEAVE ME NOW.

YOU KIDS HAVE FUN, HUH?

THEY LEFT ME.

IT'S OKAY.
I'M STILL HERE.

SANDY,

YOU TRICKED ME BAD.

UH-UH.

IN FIVE YEARS,
JILL WILL MAKE HIM VERY HAPPY.

YEAH, I'M SURE.

NICE FIRE.

SANDY, THIS IS...

SHH. DON'T TALK.

THIS IS
A BIG MISTAKE.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

SANDY!

GET OUT OF THERE!

THERE REALLY
IS A VERY GOOD
EXPLANATION FOR THAT.

I'M FLATTERED.

YOU ARE?

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO IMPRESS ME.

I DON'T?

NO. I LIKE
YOU A LOT.

I'LL TAKE ONE
OF THOSE BEERS.

IT'S OKAY.

HOW SMALL
CAN IT BE?

DON'T ASK.

MORE COLD DUCK?

SURE. HIT ME AGAIN.

IF I GAVE YOU $5.00,
WOULD YOU LEAVE?

LISTEN, SQUIRT,
I'M NOT LEAVING

TILL I SEE TERRY.

FOR $10, WOULD
YOU WAIT OUTSIDE?

WE'RE ON
NUMBER 22.

LET'S KEEP GOING.

BUMMER.

IF THE COEFFICIENT OF
"X" IS GREATER THAN "Y",

AND "Y" IS
GREATER THAN "C",

WHAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT
"X" IN RELATION TO "C"?

HOLD IT!

IT'S TIME KEVIN
KNEW THE TRUTH.

TERRY MOVED TO
OREGON TO JOIN
A RELIGIOUS CULT.

IT'S ALL
IN THE LETTER.

YOU SHOULD GO
WAIT FOR IT, KEVIN.

WAIT. TWO
MORE PROBLEMS.

IF THE COEFFICIENT...

HI, KEVIN.

TERRY! BACK
FROM THE CULT!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU'RE
GOING TO LAUGH.

I WAS UPSTAIRS LOOKING
FOR THIS SKIRT,

AND I FELL ASLEEP
IN THE CLOSET.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR HAIR?

OH, I CUT IT.

ISN'T IT CUTE?

CUTE? IT'S GONE.

WHAT ARE YOU, DRUNK?

YOU ARE.
YOU'RE DRUNK.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO GET TOGETHER.

KEVIN, HONEY,

ANGEL.

I'LL MAKE IT
UP TO YOU.

WHEN? TONIGHT?

I'LL TUCK YOU IN.

NOT TONIGHT.
I'M WORKING ON MY ARTICLE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL WALK YOU
OUT TO THE CAR.

A WALK TO THE CAR?
TALK ABOUT WILD NIGHTS.

DON'T FEEL BAD.

WHILE YOU WERE
GETTING DRUNK,

I GOT
TO DO ALGEBRA.

OH, THAT'S
WONDERFUL.

CRAZY KIDS.

WELL, ALONE AT LAST.

WHY ARE YOU
SMILING LIKE THAT?

IT'S PARTY TIME.

LET'S DANCE.

LET'S GET CRAZY.

LET'S GET DRUNK.

LET'S GET NAKED.

BUDDY, I LOVE PARTIES,

BUT YOU WORRY ME.

YOU'RE A NUT.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
SKINNY DIP? BACK RUB?

PICK A SIN.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

NO. IT'S EARLY.

BYE.

LINDA, WAIT!

I VACUUMED, LINDA!

YOU'RE A NICE GUY.

"A NICE GUY."

THE KISS OF DEATH.

SEE YOU IN ALGEBRA.

LINDA, WAIT.

WOULD IT MATTER IF
I'M HUNG LIKE A BEAR?

IT MIGHT. ARE YOU?

NO.

JUST CHECKING.

GOOD-BYE, BUDDY.

I LIKE YOUR HAIR.

THAT GIRL HAD
INCREDIBLE SELF CONTROL.

KEVIN HATES ME.

RICK HATES ME.

EVERYBODY HATES ME
EXCEPT SANDY.

HOW DID IT GO?

YOU GET LAID?

I CAME CLOSER
THAN YOU DID.

LINDA WILL LOOK BACK
ON TONIGHT WITH REGRET.

GOOD NIGHT, BUDDY.

SORRY, SPIKE.

NOTHING'S
HAPPENING, MA.

I PASSED MY
HISTORY TEST.

TERRY'S
A TRANSSEXUAL.

SHE'S GROWING
CHEST HAIR.

JUST A SECOND.

MOM WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU.

NO, NO.

SHE CAN'T TALK.

THE DOCTORS
SAID NOT TO SPEAK.

SOMETHING
HORMONAL AND VOCAL.

SHE'S HUNG OVER.

SHE WAS DRINKING
WITH THE GUYS.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

WE MISS YOU, TOO.

OKAY. BYE.

SHE THOUGHT
I WAS KIDDING.

YO, RICK!

HI, TERRY.

GOOD MORNING,
MRS. MOOREHOUSE.

RICK, TERRY'S HERE.

SORRY ABOUT
LAST NIGHT.

HEY, THAT'S OKAY.

I ALMOST HAD
A BIG NIGHT.

WE'RE GOING OUT.

LET ME GUESS...

A HOT DATE WITH
SANDY'S GRANDMOTHER.

I FIGURED
THE WHOLE THING OUT.

THE PROBLEM IS
THE WAY YOU DRESS.

IT TOOK AN HOUR
TO GET THIS LOOK.

STOP TRYING SO HARD.

COME ON.

I HAVE NO MONEY.

I GOT PLASTIC.

I JUST FEEL WEIRD.

YOUR BODY'S NOT
USED TO STYLE.

YOU'LL ADJUST.

HEY, DEBORAH,
WHAT'S SHAKING?

HI, TERRY. HI...

RICK.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

THE KID
WENT SHOPPING,

GOT A HAIRCUT.

WELCOME
TO THE 80s.

VERY SHARP.

THANKS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THESE CHUMPSTAINS?

LET'S GO.

BE RIGHT THERE.

NOW, DEBORAH.

JUST A SECOND.

GREG LIKES
TO ACT TOUGH.

HE DOESN'T HATE YOU.

THAT'S NO ACT.

HE TRULY HATES US.

DEEP DOWN,
HE'S INSECURE.

UP FRONT,
HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

TAKE IT
EASY, DEBORAH.

WHAT WAS THAT,
A PITY STOP?

(SPEAKING MARTIAN)

PIZZA!

JUST ABOUT
SHOWTIME, BOYS.

WHIR!

I'M PICKING UP
CURIOUS LIFE READINGS.

IS IT HUMAN?

UNKNOWN. SOME SORT OF
CARBON-BASED DOUCHEBAG.

WOOP! WOOP! WOOP!

NOT AGAIN.

GENTLEMEN, RELAX.

SIT DOWN.

TOO MUCH STRESS
HARMS YOUR MUSCLES.

HAVE A NICE LUNCH.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

NICE JACKET.

OH, I'M SORRY.

SPAGHETTI, TOO.

I THINK IT STAINS.

DID I MISS
SOMETHING?

WHY DIDN'T
YOU SLUG HIM?

HE SAID
HE WAS SORRY.

YOU BELIEVE HIM?

BENEFIT
OF THE DOUBT.

BESIDES, THE GUY
CAN LIFT CARS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

YOU HAVE TO
DO THAT HERE?

IT'S CERTAINLY
THE RIGHT PLACE.

IS THIS
A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

NO, NO
PROBLEM AT ALL.

I WAS JUST KIDDING.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU
LOOKED SO NICE TODAY.

YOU WERE PERFECT.

HEY, ISN'T THIS GREAT?

ISN'T WHAT GREAT?

WELL, HERE WE ARE,
A COUPLE OF GUYS

HANGING OUT
IN THE MEN'S ROOM,

LEANING UP
AGAINST THE URINALS,

TALKING ABOUT
BROADS AND FIGHTS.

JUST LIKE A COUPLE
OF GUYS, YOU KNOW.

THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL
TYPICAL MALE BONDING.

LIKE BUTCH CASSIDY
AND THE SUNDANCE KID.

SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.

I JUST WISH GREG TOLIN
WOULD JOIN THE GANG.

I'VE HAD IT
WITH THAT JERK.

I'LL TELL YOU
ABOUT GREG TOLIN.

GREG TOLIN...

IS TOAST.

WE'VE GOT
TO GET HIM BACK.

WE AND WHAT ARMY?

NO VIOLENCE.
NO NEED TO SINK TO HIS LEVEL.

WE HAVE SOMETHING
THAT GREG TOLIN
WILL NEVER HAVE.

INTELLIGENCE.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE'RE SMART.
OKAY, TERRY. WHAT DO WE DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

ME NEITHER.

THIS STUFF
WILL KILL YOU.

TRY THIS.
YOU'LL LIVE LONGER.

HEY.

LOOKS GOOD.

I MADE IT MYSELF.

WANT THOSE FRIES?

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

LOOKING FOR YOU.

RICK, THIS IS
MY YOUNGER BROTHER, BUDDY.

HOW YOU DOING?

SO.

THIS IS RICK.

I'VE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU.

BUD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

GUESS WHO CAME TO
PICK YOU UP FOR SCHOOL?

YOUR TRUE LOVE.

KEVINA.

SHE WAS UPSET
YOU LEFT WITHOUT HER.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE WORSHIPS
YOUR RIPPLING MUSCLES

AND HAIRY CHEST.

TERRY'S
SUCH A STALLION.

GO ON. SHOW HIM
YOUR HAIRY CHEST.

BUDDY!

ANYWAY, KEVINA MADE ME
PROMISE TO TELL YOU

SHE'S PICKING YOU UP
FOR DINNER AT 7:30,

SO YOU SHOULD
LOOK YOUR HANDSOMEST.

THANKS FOR
THE MESSAGE, BUD.

MY PLEASURE.

WELL.

I'M GOING TO SCOPE OUT
THE LOCAL BABES.

HEY, RICK.
STAY REAL.

TAKE IT EASY.

YOU HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND NAMED KEVINA?

RATHER EXOTIC,
ISN'T IT?

STALLION.

HI.

CAN I BE TOTALLY
HONEST WITH YOU?

YOUR TOUCH IS
THE REASON I WENT
THROUGH PUBERTY.

SIT DOWN.

GUYS, I JUST
WANT TO APOLOGIZE

ABOUT NEGLECTING
YOU YESTERDAY.

I FELT TERRIBLE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE
STILL MY FAVORITE PEOPLE.

SIT DOWN.

THIS CRAP
HAS GOT TO STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?

UM... EXCUSE ME.

COULD I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

EVERY DAY AT LUNCH,

WE GET A VERY
SPECIAL TREAT

FROM A VERY
SPECIAL GUY.

A GUY WHO HAS
DEDICATED HIS LIFE

TO BUILDING HIS BODY,

PUSHING HIS MUSCLES TO
THE LIMITS OF HUMAN ENDURANCE.

WHY, YOU ASK?

TO BE STRONG ENOUGH
TO LIFT TABLES

AND SPILL FOOD.
GREG TOLIN.

WHOA. WAIT.
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT NOW

TO FIND OUT A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT THE MAN

BEHIND THE MESS.

GREG... MAY I
CALL YOU GREG?

TELL US, GREG, HOW DID YOU
FIRST GET INTO SPILLNG FOOD?

WERE YOU A MESSY BABY?

(LAUGHTER)

DID YOU HATE
YOUR STRAINED PEAS?

WELL, YOU KNOW,
MOST PSYCHOLOGISTS TELL US

THAT GUYS GET
INTO BODY BUILDING,

TO COMPENSATE
FOR EITHER A LACK OF IQ

OR A SMALL WIENIE.

WHICH IS IT?

WELL, THOSE OF US
IN GREG'S GYM CLASS

CERTAINLY KNOW
THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE.

I'LL BEAT
THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

HEY, ISN'T HE GREAT?

MUSCLES AND
A SENSE OF HUMOR.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S THANK GREG

FOR THE MANY LUNCHTIME
THRILLS AND SPILLS

HE'S GIVEN US.

OKAY, EVERYBODY UP!

GRAB THE END
OF YOUR TABLE.

A TRIBUTE
TO YOU, GREG. LIFT!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

WE LOVE YOU, GREG!

EVERYBODY OUT.

GO ON OUTSIDE.

HOLD IT, CLOWN!

COME ON, GREG.
LIGHTEN UP.

IT WAS A JOKE.

STAY OUT OF THIS.

I'M GETTING BORED

WATCHING YOU
PUSH PEOPLE AROUND.

YEAH? STICK AROUND.

TERRY'S RIGHT.
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

THAT ASSHOLE
CALLED ME AN ASSHOLE?

YOU'RE BEATING
HIM UP, TOO?

* FRECKA FREE

* FRECKA FROO

* FOR REE

* FRECKA REE REE REE

* FRECK FRECKA
FRECKA A-FROO *

CAN'T YOU BE MAN
ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY?

WATCH.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.

UH, YOU'VE GOT
PUDDING ON YOUR SHOES.

YOU WERE OUTSTANDING,
PHENOMENAL.

WHO ARE YOU ASKING?

DON'T START THIS.

YOU'RE A CELEBRITY.

DON'T SPOIL MY DAY.

WE CAN'T STOP NOW.

JUST ASK
ONE MORE PERSON.

THEN I SWEAR
I'LL SHUT UP.

ANYBODY?

ANYBODY.

UM...

THIS IS, UH...

THIS IS GOING
TO SOUND CRAZY, BUT...

WHAT THE HECK.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
GO WITH ME TO THE PROM?

YEAH. I'D LOVE TO.

I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTOOD THE QUESTION.

I'D LOVE
TO BE YOUR DATE.

HI, TERRY.

I'M GOING
WITH DEBORAH?

I'M GOING
WITH DEBORAH.

YEAH! HA!

THAT'S
REALLY WONDERFUL.

WHAT DID
I TELL YOU?

YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.

IT'S ABOUT TIME
SOME LUCKY GIRL
FIGURED IT OUT.

WE'VE GOT TO DOUBLE.

I'M NOT GOING.

YOU'VE GOT TO.
COME ON. SANDY.

THAT CHICK
IS DANGEROUS.

I DON'T NEED TO GO.

AFTER ALL
YOU'VE DONE FOR ME,

WE'VE GOT
TO GET YOU A DATE.

I'M NOT GOING
UNLESS YOU'RE GOING.

I'LL TELL DEBORAH
RIGHT NOW.

I THINK
I KNOW WHO TO ASK.

OKAY!

DO YOU HAVE PLANS
FOR SATURDAY NIGHT?

I'M NOT SURE.

EITHER I'M
JETTING TO PARIS,

OR WATCHING
THE LOVE BOAT.

DENISE.

WILL YOU BE
MY DATE AT THE PROM?

YOU ARE SO
SEXUALLY CONFUSED.

PLEASE,
JUST GO WITH ME.

WHY WOULD YOU
WANT TO GO?

I PROMISED RICK.

IF I DON'T GO,

HE WON'T
GO WITH DEBORAH.

DEBORAH.
I AM SUCH A JERK.

YOU WANTED
HIM TO GO.

BUT NOT WITH HER.

SHE'S TOTALLY
WRONG FOR HIM.

TOO PRETTY?

NO. SHE'S TROUBLE.

I GUESS RICK NEEDS
SOMEONE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE.

MORE LIKE YOU. RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I WANT RICK

WHEN I HAVE KEVIN?

GOOD QUESTION.

BUT...

YOU LIKE HIM.

RICK'S NOT MY TYPE.

SURE, WITH MY HELP,
HE'S COME A LONG WAY.

HE STOPPED BUYING
CLOTHES AT NERDS-R-US.

I KNOW YOU, TERRY,

AND YOU LIKE HIM.

HE'S RESEARCH.
MY ARTICLE'S DUE MONDAY.

I'VE GOT
SOME GOOD STUFF,

BUT I STILL NEED SOMETHING
TO TIE IT TOGETHER.

YEAH. YOU LIKE HIM.

DENISE.

SAY YOU'LL GO
TO THE PROM WITH ME.

OKAY. I'LL GO.

OH, THANK YOU.

I WANT A LIMO.

AND YOU CAN'T
TELL ANYONE.

NOT MY FRIENDS,
PARENTS, NOBODY. DEAL?

I'M NOT PROUD
OF THIS EITHER.

WHAT'S REALLY
SAD IS YOU'RE THE
BEST DATE I'VE HAD IN WEEKS.

HOW DO I LOOK?

BEAUTIFUL.

KEVIN LOVES
THIS OUTFIT.

I WANT TO LOOK
REALLY NICE FOR HIM.

I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T
HAD MUCH TIME TOGETHER

SINCE...

THE SEX CHANGE.

THAT'S CUTE.

HEY, DENISE.
WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?

WE'RE YOUNG.
WE'RE WILD.

LET'S BE YOUNG
AND WILD TOGETHER.

I'D RATHER PICK A NAME
FROM THE PHONE BOOK.

HI. IS TERRY HOME?

YEAH. COME IN.

TERRY, YOU'VE
GOT COMPANY.

COME UP.
I'M ALMOST READY.

WE CAN GO
TO YOUR PLACE. I'M FLEXIBLE.

OH, SHIT.

TERRY?

DON'T COME IN.
I'M DRESSING.

TER?

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

SANDY. WHAT
A NICE SURPRISE.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.
THEY'RE KISSING FISH.

I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE CAVE.

YEAH. I'M SORRY, TOO.

(CONTINUES WHISTLING)

HOW'D YOU KNOW
WHERE I LIVED?

I FOLLOWED YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU
GO TO PEARL?

I HATE THAT SCHOOL.

THANKS. I'LL PUT
THE FISH BY MY BED.

IS THAT YOUR ROOM?

NO. IT'S MY BROTHER'S.
THAT'S MINE.

LET'S SEE
HOW THEY LOOK.

HELP ME.

THEY'LL LOOK
GOOD OVER HERE.

WOW. LIKE THIS
IS WHERE YOU SLEEP?

DO YOUR HOMEWORK?

YEAH. UH... I LIKE
PICTURES OF PEOPLE.

TERRY LOVES
TITS AND ASS.

THESE WOMEN JUST
AREN'T TITS AND ASS.

KIM READS VONNEGUT,

AND LUANN...

LUANN DESPISES
TOXIC WASTE.

DON'T LET HIM
FOOL YOU.

HARD-CORE
SEX MANIAC.

TERRY TREATED
ME WITH NOTHING BUT RESPECT.

VERY SPECIAL.

YEAH. HE'S
ONE OF A KIND.

MY BRO.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I WONDER IF THAT'S
YOUR PAL, KEVIN.

YEAH. KEVIN.

TELL KEVIN
I'M NOT QUITE READY,

AND COULD HE
WAIT IN THE CAR?

HE DOESN'T LIKE
WAITING IN CARS.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY,

BUT I'M IN A RUSH.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE
I HAVE TO GIVE YOU.

NOTHING COULD
TOP THESE FISH.

MY, GOD. THE FISH!

DID YOU FEED THEM?

LOOK AT
THOSE HUNGRY EYES.

THEY'RE KISSING.

THEY'RE TURNING CANNIBAL.

FEED THEM THIS.

I'LL SEE WHAT'S
IN THE KITCHEN.

DO YOU GUYS
LIKE PIZZA?

BUDDY.

KEVIN!

HERE SHE IS.

YOU'RE EARLY.

IT'S 7:30.
I'M RIGHT ON TIME.

I COULD HAVE SWORN
YOU SAID 8:30.

I'LL DRESS. COME
BACK IN AN HOUR.

YOU KNOW I SAID 7:30.

YOU SAID YOU'D BE READY
AND DRESSED TO KILL.

SO, WHY DO YOU
LOOK LIKE HELL?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUDDY, CAN
I TALK TO YOU?

YOU'RE SO GREAT
UNDER PRESSURE.

A HALF-NAKED WOMAN'S
IN YOUR BEDROOM

FEEDING PIZZA
TO FISH.

SOUNDS TOO
KINKY FOR ME.

SHE NEEDS YOU.

YOU NEED HER.

SHE'S REALLY
HALF-NAKED?

MAYBE MORE BY NOW.

IF I'M NOT
BACK IN A WEEK,

FORWARD MY MAIL.

KEVIN, DARLING.

HELLO.

WHERE'S TERRY?

GONE.

THIS ISN'T
THE FIRST TIME

THAT ANDROGYNOUS
SLEAZE BUCKET

HAS BROKEN
A BEAUTIFUL GIRL'S HEART.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

WHY? THE ROOM'S
FULL OF NAKED WOMEN.

WOULD YOU FEEL
MORE COMFORTABLE

IF I TOOK
MY SHIRT OFF?

WHAT A NICE GIRL.

YOU CAN'T GO
TO GIOVANNI'S
DRESSED LIKE THAT.

WE'LL GET IT TO GO.

I KNEW THIS GIRL
ONCE NAMED TERRY.

SHE WORE DRESSES
AND MAKE-UP.

SHE WAS HOT.

SUDDENLY,
SHE DISAPPEARED.

WHERE DID SHE GO?

SHE'S RIGHT HERE.

I'M STILL
THE SAME PERSON.

IS BEING HOT
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?

NO.

I'M UNDER PRESSURE.

MY ARTICLE'S
DUE MONDAY.

LOOK, IT'S NICE
TO HAVE A HOBBY,

BUT LET'S
GET SERIOUS.

A HOBBY?

I DIDN'T MEAN...

HOBBY, LIKE JUST
A HOBBY, I, UH...

I MEANT HOBBY, LIKE
AN IMPORTANT HOBBY.

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

DASHING.

MY ZIPPER'S OPEN.

THAT WAS
THE DASHING PART.

BUDMEISTER,
ARE YOU OKAY?

NO, TERRY, I'M NOT.

I'VE HAD TWO WEEKS
OF TOTAL FREEDOM.

THE CLOSEST
I'VE COME TO SEX

WAS A GIRL WHO
TOOK HER TOP OFF
TO SEDUCE MY SISTER.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

NOTHING. SEX IS
NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

I'D LIKE TO FORM
MY OWN OPINION.

IT WILL HAPPEN.

I KNOW THIS PLACE
THAT DELIVERS.

MASSAGE DELIGHT,
OR SOMETHING.

CAN I BORROW $200?

CALL THE GUYS
AND GO TO THE MALL.

I'D RATHER WALLOW
IN MY VIRGINITY.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

YOU KNOW
I CAN'T ANSWER IT.

PLEASE.
THIS IS ALMOST OVER.

(RING)

YEAH.

YEAH. TERRY'S HERE.

I'LL SEE
IF IT CAN TALK.

IT'S MR. WONDERFUL.

HI, KEVIN.

NO.
I CAN'T TONIGHT.

WE HAVE TO HAVE
A SERIOUS TALK.

YES.
IT'S ABOUT US.

(CAR HONKS)

CAN WE TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER?

BYE, KEVIN.

MR. WONDERFUL
IS MR. HISTORY?

ALL RIGHT.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

NOBODY HERE KNOWS
I USED TO BE FAT.

TELL ME AGAIN HOW
RICK AND DEBORAH
BELONG TOGETHER.

RICK AND DEBORAH
BELONG TOGETHER.

WHAT A CROCK.

HE KEEPS
GIVING ME LOOKS.

THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MIND IF HE
TALKS TO ME?

NO, GO AHEAD.

YOU'RE GREAT.

HEY, SANDY.

ABOUT
THE OTHER NIGHT...

I WAS FROM PLANET
OF THE SLUTS.

THAT'S OKAY.

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

HI, DEB.

GREG.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. PARSLEY
FOR EIGHT, PLEASE.

OH, THEY'RE
SO CUTE!

YEAH.

I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE HUNGRY.

THEY REALLY PREFER
MEALWORMS OR FLIES.

HOW COULD SHE
DO THAT TO YOU?

SHE CAN DATE
WHOEVER SHE WANTS.

IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE PROM?

(CROAK)

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

HE'S SO EXCITED.

IT'S HIS FIRST PROM.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

TERRY!

ALL RIGHT,
WHERE IS SHE?

THE CULT.
SHE'S TOTALLY BRAINWASHED.

WANT TO
SPLIT HER RECORDS?

TELL ME NOW
OR IN THE HOSPITAL.

I'M SUDDENLY REMEMBERING.

IF I SAY
WHERE SHE IS,

TAKE ME WITH YOU.

I DON'T WANT
TO MISS THIS.

WAIT. IT'S
KIND OF FORMAL.

I GOT TO CHANGE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AS CHAIRWOMAN
OF THE PROM COMMITTEE,

IT'S MY PLEASURE
TO ANNOUNCE

YOUR KING AND QUEEN.

THE ENVELOPES, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THIS YEAR'S
PROM QUEEN IS...

UH...
DEBORAH STRUMMOND.

SWEAR TO GOD,
I'M NOT LYING.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT,

THIS YEAR'S
PROM KING IS...

IT'S GREG TOLIN.

YEAH!

WAY TO GO, GREG!

CONGRATULATIONS,
GREG.

THANK YOU, DEBORAH.

NOW THAT
I TAKE A GOOD LOOK,

THEY REALLY DO
MAKE A NICE COUPLE.

TRADITIONALLY WE HAVE
A KING AND QUEEN'S DANCE,

BUT THAT'S
A STUPID TRADITION.

SO EVERYBODY DANCE!

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

COME ON, RICK!

MAY I CUT IN?

TOLIN, YOU'RE A CREEP!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

OH!

YOU DUMB ASS!
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!

PUT ME DOWN!

WHERE'D THESE GUYS
LEARN TO FIGHT?

OKAY, TOUGH GUY.

MY BACK'S NOT
TURNED THE OTHER WAY.

NICE TUX. YOU'LL
LOOK GOOD BURIED IN IT.

NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

HEY, TER.

BUDDY?

I MISSED YOU.

TERRY, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

KEVIN?

HEY, SANDY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE IN A TUXEDO?

PLEASE GO.
I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT.

WHO'S THIS GUY?

TERRY'S BOYFRIEND.

WHO ARE YOU?

JUST A FRIEND.

TERRY, I KNOW YOU
STILL LOVE ME.

NO! I LOVE
SOMEONE ELSE.

WHOA, NO THANKS.

WE BELONG TOGETHER.

YOU'RE MY G...

CAN WE TALK?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WAIT.
IT GETS BETTER.

BIG NIGHT, HUH?

I'LL BET YOU'RE
A LITTLE CONFUSED.

I THINK
I UNDERSTAND.

I SHOULD'VE
TOLD YOU SOONER,

BUT, UH...

I DIDN'T. I...

TERRY...

I KNOW.
YOU'RE GAY.

I'M NOT GAY.

WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW I'M CONFUSED.

I'M A GIRL.

I'M A WOMAN.

RIGHT.

AND I'M
CINDY LAUPER.

I'M A FEMALE,
I SWEAR.

ARE THOSE WHAT
I THINK THEY ARE?

I'M SORRY.

WHERE DO YOU
GET OFF HAVING TITS?

THERE WAS THIS CONTEST,

AND I NEEDED
TO PROVE IT.

THEN I MET YOU.

YOU'RE
SO WONDERFUL...

SHIT! I CAN'T
BELIEVE THIS.

RICK, I KNOW
YOU'RE MAD,

BUT I THINK
YOU'RE TERRIFIC...

THIS WHOLE THING
WAS BULLSHIT.

MAJOR BULLSHIT.

RICK, WAIT!

UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH
YOU MEAN TO ME.

RIGHT, TERRENCE.

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN
SO HONEST UP TILL NOW.

SO HOW'S THE FISH?

GREAT. I PUT
A FROGMAN IN THE BOWL.

RICK, CAN'T YOU
FORGIVE ME?

NO, I CAN'T.

RICK...

IT'S OKAY, EVERYBODY.

HE HAS TITS.

COME ON, DEBORAH.

WHOA!

9:15 ALREADY.

WELL...

GOTTA GO.

HAD A LOVELY TIME.

HAVE A NICE PROM.

HI.

YOU'RE PROBABLY
HERE WITH A DATE.

YEAH.

NIGHT, SON.

BUDDY, WHY'D
YOU BRING KEVIN?

GOOD EVENING.

WHOOPS.

HEY, NO PROBLEM.

JUST A COUPLE
ALL-AMERICAN KIDS

EXPERIMENTING
WITH SEX.

YOU REMEMBER SANDY?

HI.

HELLO.

YOU KNOW,

MY VOYAGE
OF SELF-DISCOVERY

HAS ENDED
IN DESPAIR.

HEY, THAT'S
SO INTERESTING.

COULD YOU SHUT
THE LIGHT OFF?

I'M SEEING JULIAN
AGAIN THIS WEEKEND.

HE'S SO COOL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I
FINALLY LUCKED OUT.

DENISE, HE'S
THE LUCKY ONE.

HEY, TERRY,
IS IT TRUE

YOU BROKE UP WITH
THAT COLLEGE GUY?

IT'S TRUE.

WANT TO GO OUT
SATURDAY NIGHT?

I'M SORRY,
BUT I'M NOT READY.

WHAT ABOUT SUNDAY?

NO, THANKS.

TERRY, YOU HAVE TO
SNAP OUT OF THIS.

I WILL. IT JUST
MAY TAKE A COUPLE YEARS.

TERRY, I REALLY
LIKED YOUR ARTICLE.

ESPECIALLY THE PART
ABOUT BEING COOL

EVEN IF YOU
DON'T DRESS COOL.

I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

YOU WANT TO
GO OUT SOMETIME?

OH, I'M REALLY
NOT READY YET.

THANKS, ANYWAY.

TERRY!

WOULD YOU
COME IN, PLEASE?

MR. RAYMAKER.

COME INTO
MY OFFICE.

I READ YOUR ARTICLE
IN THE SUN TRIBUNE.

CONGRATULATIONS
ON WINNING.

THANKS.

IT WAS REAL GOOD.

I'M SORRY
I MISJUDGED YOU.

YOU DON'T
HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

YOU'RE THE REASON
I HAVE THIS JOB.

YOU FORCED ME
TO FIGHT FOR WHAT I WANTED.

I WON'T FORGET YOU.

THANK YOU.
I LEARNED A LOT, TOO.

WHAT ABOUT THAT KID
YOU WROTE THE ARTICLE ON?

HE HATES ME.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

YOU REALLY
LIKE HIM, DON'T YOU?

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

I READ YOUR ARTICLE.

I'M A STUNT DRIVER.

I DO THIS
FOR A LIVING.

SWIFT PARKING, BUD.

AND YOU'RE LATE.

I RAN OUT OF GAS.

BUT I PUT
A BUCK'S WORTH IN... ON ME.

TERRY,
IT'S SUMMER. SMILE.

MY FACE HURTS
WHEN I SMILE.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT
A DRIVER'S LICENSE,

AND A SEX LIFE.

YOU'VE GOT
THE JOB OF YOUR DREAMS,

AND A CHAUFFEUR.

LET'S GET
AN ICE CREAM.

UH... IT'S FOR YOU.

YOU LOOK GOOD
IN A DRESS.

VERY GOOD.

I THOUGHT
YOU HATED ME.

I MISSED YOU.

I READ YOUR ARTICLE.

DO YOU STILL FEEL
THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME?

YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

WHY DON'T WE GO
HAVE SOME FUN?

MAYBE LIKE
DANCING FRIDAY NIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M THE GUY HERE.

LET ME JUST
TRY THIS, OKAY?

WHY DON'T WE GO OUT
DANCING FRIDAY NIGHT?

WHAT AN
ORIGINAL IDEA.

YOU WANT TO
GO FOR A RIDE?

YEAH.

LONG AS
I GET TO DRIVE.

COME ON, BUDDY.

(SOFT ROCK PLAYING)