Joysticks (1983) - full transcript

(MultiCom Jingle)

(engine whining)

(booming)

♫ Keen eyes

♫ Quick hands

♫ Energize

♫ My soul again

♫ Gonna see

♫ My name in lights

♫ Playing with my joystick

♫ Wiggle left



♫ Jerk it right

♫ Zappin' everything in sight

♫ Shoot fast

♫ Shoot straight

♫ Video to the max

♫ One down

♫ Two to go

♫ Can't stop

♫ On a roll

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick



♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video game

♫ Here they come

♫ Round they go

♫ Humanoids

♫ UFOs

♫ All day

♫ All night

♫ Video to the max

♫ One down

♫ Two to go

♫ I can't stop

♫ I'm on a roll

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I've got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video game

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video games

♫ Totally awesome video games

(bloops and bleeps)

♫ I hope I don't spill things

♫ And act like a slob

♫ Oh my do dah day

♫ Oh the do dah day

♫ Oh the do dah day

- Look both ways.

♫ Camp Town race track
five miles long

♫ Today's my first day

♫ At a new job

♫ Doo dah, doo dah

♫ Hope I don't spill things

♫ Look like a slob

♫ Oh my doo dah day

- Yoo hoo.

Maybe you'd like to pull
over and sing us a song?

- Oh, you think I have
a good voice?

- [Blonde Woman] Mm hmm.

- I never really thought
I had a good voice.

- Oh, well come on over.

We'll make beautiful
music together, you know?

- I like fun just as much
as the next guy,

but, um, it's my first
day at the arcade.

- You work at the video arcade?

Jeff Bailey's?

- Yes, I'm helping Mr. Bailey,

uh, Jeff, out.

- Why don't you come on over?

- Well, I'd really like to.

I mean, a guy can't have too
many friends in this life,

but I really gotta go.

Oh, oh!

Oh my!

- [Brunette Woman] Why
don't you come on over?

- Come on over, now, there?

What do you mean, now?

Here in your backseat now?

(giggling)

Well okay.

Seatbelt.

- God, look at him.

Do we really have to go
through with this?

(horn honks)

(groaning)

- Do you wanna get into a
sorority or not?

Besides, we don't really
have to ball him.

We just gotta get
his pants down.

(easy-listening
instrumental music)

- Okay now, girls, I
don't have too much time.

- Oh, this shouldn't
take too long.

- Which one of us do
you want first?

- Um.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

For which one shall I go?

Oh (chuckles), I'm sorry.

You, I'm sorry.

Luck of the draw.

- Oh, I can take it,

but I wanna watch.

- Watch?
- Mm hmm.

- Well, why?

Well, okay, okay, I see,
I get it.

Certainly, that's okay with me.

(breath spray hisses)

(giggling)

- Oh wow, you really turn me on.

- There's more where that
came from, baby.

(growling)

- Oh, I can't wait any longer.

You've got to show me
your manhood.

- Oh.

Ladies, prepare yourself.

I would like you to meet

(zipper buzzes)
Simba.

- [Blonde Woman] Smile.

(camera whirs)
- Hey!

What, what are you?

Don't!

(easy-listening
instrumental music)

(tires screech)

Hey, hey, hey, wait!

My pants!
- We'll leave them

at the arcade!

(traffic hums)

(percussive rock music)

- Attention, video enthusiasts.

This is your last chance
to a free drink

with the purchase of $5 or more

at our beautiful snack bar.

- You are so full of shit,
Jeff Bailey.

- Jeffy, come over here
and play Galactic with me.

I think it's gonna be
like way totally bitchin'

if you would, like,
play with me.

(giggling)

- Sorry, Patsy,

like, Jeff promised to play me.

- Oh God, Connie, space
cadet that you are,

Jeffy never promised
you anything.

Did you, Jeff?

- Well, ladies, you know
I never play these games.

- Dude, come on, Jeff.

I'll do anything that
you ask me to.

Anything.

- Please, girls, I can't.

I have to keep my relationship
with the clientele

on a, uh, professional level.

Excuse me.

But I've got a couple
of free tokens

for the Miner Tower,

and maybe a little
later I'll come by,

take a little peek over
your shoulders,

see how you're doin', okay?

Hey, now this is an exciting
offer, isn't it, guys?

I mean, a free drink
doesn't happen every day.

- Jefferson, are these yours?

- "I belong to Eugene Groebe."

Well, his pants are here.

He, uh, can't be far behind.

(giggling)

(blooping and bleeping)
(percussive rock music)

(banging)

(giggling)

Gene, are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine, Mr. Bailey.

- [Jeff] No, no, that's cool.

I just, totally, call me Jeff.

- Huh?
- Call me Jeff.

- Oh.

Yeah, well, I will.

Um, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had a lot of
difficulty getting here.

This being my first day and all.

I had a couple problems
as a matter of fact.

- Are you all right,
little Eugene?

We left your pants here
like we promised.

Sorry they got all wet.

(laughing)

- Excuse me, brother.

Um, I am officially
reporting for duty.

(beeping)

- Father, Father,

this thing is possessing me!

(shouts)

Father, Father,

I am losing control!

(shouts)

Father, I have sinned.

(spray bottle hisses)
(shouting)

- You're blessed,
you're blessed.

(grunting and barking)

♫ Yes they're really fine

♫ Oh yes, they're fine

♫ Yes they're fine

♫ Yes, they're

♫ Down at the arcade

Fingerprints, fingerprints.

(spray bottle hisses)
Filthy fingerprints.

Excuse me.

♫ Yes they're fine,
ye they're fine

♫ Yes, they're really fine

♫ Any time, any time

♫ Is it really mine

♫ Yes, they're mine, yes,
they're mine

♫ Yes, they're

♫ Down at the arcade tonight

Excuse me!

Excuse me, young man.

Would,

you've got to stop
playing the games!

You're a disgrace.

Excuse me, sir!

Would you stop
playing the games?

(blooping)

Young man,

you must listen to me.

Hey, hey!

I'm sorry, but
you're not allowed

to have food on the games.

(blooping)

- No one's ever gotten seven
figures on this machine before.

Not even me.

I don't think this
machine's capable

of seven figures.

- Well, I'm sorry about that,

but I work here now,

and I find your appearance
highly objectionable.

I suggest that you just
trot on out of here

and come back when you're
in better condition

to play the game.

- Let's you and me see
what's inside this, okay?

(blooping and beeping)

- Hey, here now, what
are you doing?

You, you can't do that!

- [Gamer] Watch me.

- [Eugene] I am just gonna
go get Mr. Jefferson Bailey,

is what I'm gonna do.

- Yeah, you do that.

(beeping and blooping)

- [Eugene] Excuse me,
we have an emergency.

- [Jeff] Is, uh, something
wrong with the machine, Dorfus?

- No, I'm just tryin'
to get it open

to see what's inside of it.

Had a real good game goin',
Bailey.

Interrupted.

- Well, yes, sir, I thought he,
I--

- That's okay, Eugene.

We know what you thought,

but I'm gonna introduce you

to Jonathan Andrew McDorfus.

- Hey, kid.
- Hi.

- Eugene, you must
remember Dorfus.

See, he graduated last
year with me at school.

He was our senior
class president.

- You're kidding?

He was the senior class
president last year?

He didn't look
anything like this.

What happened?

- Games, kid.

Video games.

(beeping and blooping)

- Well, don't you think you
oughta wash your hands first?

- How come? (sneezes)

- [Woman] Uh, excuse me.

- Oh my goodness.

I'm sorry.

It looks like I got my
hot dog in your

thing.

I mean, I got my wiener in your.

(laughing)

Um, uh, here.

Um.

(laughing)

- Eugene, get the one that
says Oscar Mayer on it.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry.

Oh dear.

(thumping rock music)

- Come on.

(thumping rock music)

Jacket.

(thumping rock music)

Radio.

Music!

(thumping rock music)
(laughing)

Arcade!

♫ 'Cause I'm tryin'
to control you

♫ I gotta leave you

- [Dorfus] Hey, King Vid!

♫ Don't wanna see you

- [King Vid] Vidiots!

Take your position!

Start game!

(humming)
(thumping rock music)

(shouting)

♫ It's time to give way

♫ Well, I gotta leave you

♫ While I'm still standin'

♫ Don't wanna see you

♫ After tonight

- It's after midnight.

You're certain Patsy's in here?

- [Man] Yes, Uncle Joseph.

- [Joseph] Well, I
certainly hope you're wrong.

(clapping and shouting)

♫ I'm not gonna let you break me

♫ Can't let you take me, no

- Ms. Pac-Man!

♫ I wanna trade

(humming)

(screaming)

- Ooh, I'll save you, Patsy.

(shouting and banging)

(unintelligible shrieking)

Oh, thank you.

- Patsy!

Get up from there, Patsy!

- My most embarrassing
moment by Patsy Rutter.

- Never mind all that.

Get up, you're goin' home.

♫ Take a walk

(groaning)

- Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Rutter, Jefferson Bailey.

I'm sorry if there's
been any problem.

- You damn right there's
a problem here.

Just look what's happening
with my daughter here, huh?

I wanna see the manager!

- Well, sir, I am the manager.

- You're not the manager.

You're just a punk kid.

- Uh, my
grandfather's the owner,

and he's out of town,

so, in his absence, I have
complete power and authority,

and I am certain that I
can assist you.

- Don't feed me that bullshit,
kid.

You're runnin' a
garbage dump in here,

and I intend to do
something about it!

Patsy, out!

Go!
- Hold on!

Dorfus Maneuver!

(thunderous wet farting)

- Out, out!

Get out!

(laughing)
(beeping)

(Dorfus sniffs)

Patsy, I just got off the
phone with that Mayor Neville.

Little lazy, no-count, sorry.

He refuses to close that
horrible video arcade.

- Daddy, would you, like,
get out of my rays, okay?

- I am laying down the law
about that arcade, young lady.

- Oh, Daddy, that reminds me.

Connie and I were, like,
gonna go shopping

at the Banarama.

Can I have some Billies then?

- Pardon?

- You know, I think you
called it lettuce once.

Or was it cabbage?

- All right, all right, uh.

- At least I didn't
take your plastic, God.

- All right, now, Patsy,
we have an understanding.

You will not go to the
arcade again, right?

- Daddy.

If I want to go to the arcade,

like, I am going to go, okay?

(splashing)

(squishing)

- Oh, Jeff!

Dorfus!

Oh my goodness, thank
goodness you're here.

Something really
strange is happening

in the parking lot.

There's this van and
it's shaking and rocking.

- Here, take this,
it'll calm ya down.

- Oh, thanks.

I didn't know what to do.

- I didn't know you liked
ketchup and cookies.

- Ketchup and cookies?

- Eugene, I'm gonna put
you in charge

of finding out what is
happening in the parking lot

with the van.

- Me, in charge?

- [Jeff] Yeah.

- It's only my second day
and I already have a project.

Thanks.

- Hey, Eugene, Eugene.

Remember, who's ever out there

may not wanna be interrupted.

- Mm.

Don't worry, Dorfus,

you can count on me.

(chuckling)

- He's such a poonis.

- Yeah.

Poonis?

(grunting)
(van squeaking)

(moaning and grunting)

(squeaking)

- [Woman] Ah, that was great.

- [Man] Yeah, let's do it again.

Uh, this time, let's put
on our snorkels.

- Holy cow.

(shouting)

(splashing)

(chuckling)

- [Dorfus] Isn't that Eugene?

- Hi, guys.

(beeping)

- [Woman In Yellow] So
what'd you wanna talk about?

- Well, I heard what
you guys did

to my new employee yesterday.

(chuckling)

- You should've been there,
it was great.

- I would've given anything
to have been there.

I mean, uh, I'm just
dying to see

what that picture looks like.

- See, we, uh, needed a
picture of a nerd

with his pants down.

- Come on, ladies, I
just gotta see

what my new employee looks like

caught in the act.

Okay, I'll tell ya what
I'm gonna do.

You know that new
special video game

you've been wanting to play?

You show me the picture,

and we'll go in there
right now and play.

- Strip Video?

- You got it.

(percussive instrumental music)

(laughing)

- Great legs, Eugene!
- Great legs, Eugene!

(laughing)

Come on, ladies, let's go.

- [Dorfus] Come on, okay.

(beeping)
(thumping rock music)

♫ You show it all to me

♫ Babe, I'll set ya free

♫ You're ma-ma-makin'

♫ Me wait too long

- Oh, damn it!

♫ You're mine

♫ I'm ready anytime

♫ Co-Co-Co-Co-Comin'

- Shame, Alva, shame.

- Why don't you play, Jeff?

- Oh no, I can't.

Look, we'll just keep
doin' what we're doin'.

You know, a piece of
your clothing

for, uh, a piece of mine.

It's your turn, Lola.

♫ Sit right down

♫ Sh-Sh-Shake it around

♫ Shake it around

♫ Shake it, shake it around

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it, shake it

♫ Babe, I sit down

(beeping)

(laughing)

(beeping)

- How come you never
actually play, Jeff Bailey?

- Well, it's kind of
a long story.

- We've got plenty of time,
Jeff.

Why don't you tell us?

- I'm gonna have to
break this up.

You know, I mean I can't
leave those two idiots

running the arcade alone.

I got some work to do, uh,

so can we continue this later,
huh?

- Nothing's going to happen
to your precious arcade.

- Yeah, I know, but, you
know, I'm responsible for it,

and if they get all those
machines going at once,

you know, there's gonna
be some hell to pay

out there, boy, oh boy.

- [Lola] Oh, stop worrying,
Jeff.

♫ Sit right down and
shake it around

- [Jeff] Oh, ladies.

I feel a little, uh.

♫ Shake it around, shake it

♫ Shake it, shake it,
take it, take it around

(hatch squeaks)

(laughing)

♫ Sh-Sh-Sh-Shake it around

Push Alva, Lola, push her!

(laughing)

♫ Shake it around

Okay, ladies.

I gotta go.

♫ Shake it, shake it, shake it

(fire extinguisher hisses)

(fire alarm rings)

Oh my God!

Smoke, we gotta get outta here.

(fire alarm rings)

My God, I was afraid of this!

We're trapped.

We're trapped, we're gonna die.

(coughing)

(knocking)

♫ Shake it around

♫ Shake it around

(shouting)

- [Dorfus] Smile!

(laughing)

Smile!

- Bailey,

I came here because I thought

I might be able to
reason with you.

I shoulda known better.

This place deserves to
be shut down.

Patsy, come on.
- Okay, Daddy,

now don't jump to conclusions.

I can explain--
- Shut up!

Get out of my way, ya brats.

Move it!

Look, I don't wanna talk
about it, young lady.

One way or the other,

I'm gonna close that place down.

- God, Daddy, it's like
you are so edged,

it's like you are turning
totally edged.

If you would, like,
listen to me,

in time I could explain
to you that Jeff Bailey

is like a totally bitchin' guy.

And I wanted to--

- Now, look.
- God!

Bunch of crisp-os.

- Look, young lady, you're
not too old to tan anymore.

And don't talk about your
lamebrain cousins

that way either.

Now get in the car.

- Uncle Joseph.
- What?

- What do you want us to do?

- Do?

I don't want you idiots
to do nothin'.

- Don't worry, Max.

I got an idea.

- Great, I hope it's a good one.

(beeping)

(percussive pop music)

- [Max] Is my mascara overdone?

- Max, cut it out.

- No, really, if it's
too much, I can fix it.

- Your mascara's fine.

- You wouldn't just say that?

- Max, you look great,
don't worry.

What, what's this?

Lemme see somethin'.

- Well what--
- Lemme see somethin'!

- Okay, okay!

Okay, okay, God, don't
be such a bully.

- Now don't forget,

Max, we gotta look and
act like these

video game pinball players

so we can check out the place

and they won't notice it.

- Okay.

- Max, you got it?

- Uh huh.
- You got it?

- Yes.

It's Maxine!

- I'm gonna lay you out.

- You promise?

(blooping)

- Man, I love wheels.

I wanna get me some wheels.

Wait!

Stop.

Has anyone ever told you

you got great legs?

- Not in years.

- Come here.
- Okay.

- You know, uh,

you are definitely

Vidiot material.

- Thank you.

- No thanks.

No thanks.

It's cools.

It's groovy.

Peace.

Come on, Max.

Maxine, let's go inside, Maxine!

- Bye.
- Yeah.

Come on, Maxine,
let's go inside!

- Wait, don't leave
me like this!

(groans)

What an animal!

- Oh!

Go Battle Dome.

- Peace.
- Flowers and peace, brother.

- Freedom!

- What's this, a car?

Ooh, I wanna play this.

- [Man In Bandana] Oh, lookin'
good, Mama.

Is there something you want?

- Uh, I'd like to
play this game.

- No, I don't think so.

See, no girl's allowed to
play my machine.

- I'm not really--

- Uh, sorry, Maxine.

I'm gonna play.
- No, I don't think so.

See, uh, no guy with ugly chick

is to play my machine.

Besides, man, it's busy.

- I'm only gonna be a minute.

I love to really get
behind the wheel.

I drive for a living.

Trucks, cars, you name it.

It's a cinch.

- It looks like it.

You're old lady looks
like she's been

in plenty of accidents.

But I don't think
you understand.

It's my turn.

- I, I get you.

Then, then it's my turn.

- No, man.

You still don't get it.

He's next.

(laughing)

- I think he's tryin' to tell ya

the game's tied up.

- Hey, you get the prize.

- [Cousin] Give him the flower,
Maxine.

Spread your love over
to that side.

- Peace.

- And I'll spread my
love over on this side.

Peace.

Groovy.

♫ Every mornin', noon, and night

♫ Got to have it

Peace.

Love, sisters.

- [Max] Hey, Ernie, look.

It's a Ms. Pac-Man.

And she looks just like me!

- Did you learn
anything about it?

- Yeah, I should've
worn more makeup.

- Forget about it, Max.

I got it figured out.

- Yeah?
- I know how

to make Uncle Joseph
real proud of us.

- You do?

How, how?
- You ready?

- Yeah.
- You listenin'?

- Uh huh.

- There's no security
around here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, yeah?

What, what?

- We come to this joint tonight.

We'll bust in here and
take every machine away.

- Yeah, but if you take
out all the games,

how, how's anybody gonna play?

- Cousin Max, you are brilliant.

- Yeah.

- And so is old Arnie.
- Right.

- Let's go, let's go.

Hurry.

♫ Just like you said it would

♫ And then you stabbed me out

♫ Stabbed me, hurt, dead

♫ Ooh, baby, it's just like

(car revs)

- Wait, wait!

Wait, come back here!

Come back here!

Wait a minute!
(tires screech)

My little animal!

- And they said they
were gonna steal

all the video games,

and they said they were
gonna do it tonight.

Jeff, we gotta call the police.

- No, not while my
grandfather's out of town.

I don't want the police to
know anything about this.

But I got an idea.

- There's the place.

Okay, Eugene, you ready?

- Ready, ready for what?

- Come on, we're
gonna save Jeff.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

(grunting)

Shh!
- Sorry, Dorfo.

- Just a little further,
straight back!

Keep goin', keep goin',
keep going.

Okay, okay, keep going.

(shattering)

That's good.

Yeah.

- Listen, Dorfus.

Let's just go back
to the arcade.

- No.

- I'll make you some hot dogs.

- No!

- Hot dogs and chili?

- Would you get up there

so we can get some shit on
this Rutter guy

so he'll leave the arcade alone.

Come on.
- Don't push.

- Get up there.
- Don't push.

- [Dorfus] Get up there.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

(groaning)

Oh no!

Help me!

Help me.

(whimpering)

(ladder rattles and bangs)

Shh, shh!
- Okay.

(whimpering)

Watch out.

(moaning)

(snoring)

- She's out cold.

Oh, this is the good stuff.
(alarm blares)

Shh!

(chuckling)

Oh, Eugene.

This is your chance to
pop your cork.

- Oh God, Dorfus,
don't even joke.

Dorfus!

She won't let go.

- [Dorfus] Oh, it's,
it's nature tellin' ya

it's time for you to get laid.

- No, no!

Not like this, Dorfus, come on,
help me.

Please, help.

- Help you?

Come on, quit fighting it,
Eugene.

This is bigger than one of us.
- Dorfus!

- Baby, it's been so long.

(Eugene whimpering)

- [Eugene] Dorfus, help me.

(woman moaning)

- Come on, Eugene.

Assert your manhood.

- Help!

(lock rattles)

(crowbar clangs)

(door rattles)

Dorfus!

(door bangs)

Ooh, ooh, ow.

Dorfus!

- Shit!

- [Eugene] Watch it,
lady, watch your hands.

Ah!

(Dorfus whimpers)

- [Woman] Come on, honey.

- Eugene, Rutter!

Shit!

(comedic instrumental music)

- [Eugene] Hey, ah!

(woman moans gently)

(door slams)

(comedic instrumental music)

(woman moaning gently)

(comedic instrumental music)

- [Max] Good, okay.

Great, hey, Arnie.

You think uncle
Joseph would let us

keep one of these
machines for the den?

You know, I think we should
put one of these machines

right next to the
sofa in the den.

- You ready, number one?
- What do you think?

- What do I think?
- Yeah.

- What do I think?
- 'Kay, number one, go.

- [Arnie] I think
your ass is grass

in another second, man.

- [Max] Right, right, I dig.

(gurgling)

(comedic instrumental music)

(woman moaning)

(comedic instrumental music)

- Give me some covers, Vivian!

- [Eugene] Give him so covers,
Vivian.

- [Vivian] Come on, baby,
don't stop now.

- Go back to sleep, Vivian.

You're havin' a dream.

- Oh, what's the matter,
big boy?

I was just gettin' started.

- [Joesph] Come on,
take another pill, huh?

(Eugene whimpers)

(comedic instrumental music)

(Vivian moans softly)

- [Vivian] No, don't stop.

(Dorfus farts wetly)

(Dorfus farts wetly)

- Oh, damn it, Vivian!

Didn't I tell ya to talk to Dr.
Michaels

about that?
(deodorant hisses)

(Dorfus farts gently)

(Dorfus chuckles)

(Vivian moans gently)

(doorbell rings)

Oh no.

(comedic instrumental music)

(banging)

- We did it, we did it.
- Yeah.

Boy, Uncle Joe's gonna be
proud of us, eh?

(whimpering)

- What do you want at this hour?

- Uh, my name is Jonathan
Andrew McDorfus.

I needed somebody to talk to,

and I, I knew I could trust you.

- Talk, it's two o'clock
in the morning.

What is this, are you drunk?

- Drunk?

No, I'm not drunk.

Why, I don't even take
mind-altering drugs.

Well, sir,

uh, now's the time for safety.

In, in our country today, uh,

if, if you wanna get out safely,

you, you better act now!

Do you understand?

- What are you, crazy,
why are you shouting?

- Shouting, am I shouting, Mr.
Rutter?

Down here at the front porch?

No, I'm not shouting.

I just want my friend,

I want all my friends,

to know that it's safe
if they act now!

(chuckling)
(engine grinds)

- [Arnie] What's happened, Max?

How much gas did you
put in here?

- I put in a dollar's worth.

- What do you think this is,
a moped?

- No, that's all I had.

Besides, we only live
two miles away.

- Now you're gonna have
to get the gas.

Get the gas.

- No, you get the gas,
it's your turn.

- No, you put the dollar
in, you get the gas.

- You get the gas.
- No, you get the gas.

- You get the gas.
- You get the gas.

- We'll both get the gas.

- No, we'll both get the gas.

- Right.
- Okay.

- Let's go, guys.

Those idiots will be back soon.

Come on, get these outta here.

- Look, young man, you're
gonna have to stop yelling

or I'm gonna call the police.

- Oh, that won't be necessary,
Mr.

Rutter.

Why, I, I'll lower my voice.

(comedic instrumental music)
(Vivian moans)

(comedic instrumental music)

- [Eugene] Oh shit!

(comedic instrumental music)

- Eugene and Mommy?

- [Max] Hey, Arnie.

- [Arnie] Yeah?

- [Max] I'm sorry about the gas.

- [Arnie] Forget about it, Max.

Don't worry about it,
we fixed it.

Come on.
- Okay.

- [Arnie] Uncle Joseph's
gonna love this!

- Right!

God, Uncle Joseph's
gonna be so proud of us!

- I'm gonna be Uncle
Joseph's right hand man!

- Yeah, and I'm gonna be his,
uh,

uh, I could be his.

(truck rumbles)

- Hey, guys, we did it.
- Yeah.

- We did it.

Okay, we'll finish this up

and then I am throwin' a party,

I mean a private party,

private party, all the
tokens are on the house.

- Hey, I'm gonna
bring my old lady.

- Yeah, great idea, man.

Hey, get all the
girls down here.

Hey, I got it.

Tell 'em to come as they are.

I love PJs, you know,
the frills, and the legs.

- I'm with ya on that!
- All right, okay!

All right, let's go, guys!

- [Man] All right!

- I, I wasn't given much
of a start off in life

as a child. (cries)

At least, what I can
remember of my childhood.

I can't go on like this!

(comedic instrumental music)

This is happening all so fast.

I, I don't even--
- You friends with this?

- No.

- Mr.
Rutter, I was so young then.

- Look, buddy, it's
after two in the mornin'.

I really don't vcre about
your problems.

- But wait, wait, wait!

It's about the arcade.

- I thought it might be.

What about the video arcade?

- Mr. Rutter, I, it's just that

I think you're all wrong
about the arcade.

It's a great place for boys

and, and for girls to,

to have a good time.

Why, all kids need somewhere

they can have a good time,

and in having a good time,

they'd be somewhere, like, uh,
Eugene.

He's been somewhere.

He's now here.

- Hi.

- He works at the arcade.

Don't ya?
- Yeah, I do.

- Tell him about it.
- I enjoy my work there

very much.

I, it's a wonderful
place to work.

- That's enough, Eugene.

(horn honks)

- What now?

(comedic instrumental music)

Max, Arnie?

(comedic instrumental music)

What is this?

(dog barks)

(comedic instrumental music)

- Patsy, come on.

Let's go somewhere.

(chuckling)

- [Max] Hey, boss, come look!

You're gonna love it!

- [Joesph] Quiet, you're gonna
wake up all the neighbors.

- We stole all the video games.

- You stole what?

- Can we keep one for the den?

- Have one for the?

(dog barking)
(comedic instrumental music)

- Here's the receipt

for the truck rental, Uncle Joe.

- Receipt for what?

- Just wait till ya see it.

- See what?

(dog barking)

- Hey, Arnie, what happened?

(car revs)

(rhythmic instrumental music)

- Hey, Kitty, Candy,
you look great, great.

- Hi, Jeff.
- Hi, Candy.

- Wanna play Pac-Man?

- Maybe later, maybe later.

(Candy moans)

(rhythmic instrumental music)

Hey, Vidiots.

- Hey.

- I see the, uh,
gang's all here.

- Hey, what's the idea

openin' up and not alertin'
the Vidiots?

- Well, see, we're not open.

We took care of a
little business.

Now we're celebrating.

You're gonna have to leave

because this party is private.

- Well why can't we stay?

- I told ya, we're not open.

- Well, uh,

I'll tell you what!

How 'bout if we play for it?

You against me,

and if I win, we stay,

if you win, we, we leave.

- No, now you know I
never play these games.

- I'll tell you what!

I'll tell you what!

You pick your best player,
him against me,

and, and if, if he wins,

no problems, I'll leave.

- You got a game.

(laughing)

- Dorfus.

- This is a--
- And the game is

Satan's Hollow!

- Baby!
- That's right, you morons,

this way.

'Kay here, let's get
this show on the road.

Now the rules of the
Arena are very simple.

Each man will play one
complete game

of Satan's Hollow,

and at the end of the game,

the man with the highest point
total will be the winner.

- [King Vid] I'm gonna kill you!

- Go for it, Bat's Head.
(belches)

- Come on, come on.

Players in position,
ready to start game.

Tokens, please.

Ready?

Start game!

(beeping and blooping)

(cackling)

Okay, Dorfus, come on, let's go,
Dorfus.

Dorfus, what are you doin'?

Dorfus, what are you doin'?

It's time to play, come on.

Dorfus, will you, come
on, eat the hot dog later.

Let's go, okay, come on, Dorfus,
come on.

Play the game, Dorfus.

Dorfus, play the game.

(cackling)

Play the game, Dorfus.

Come on, God!

Dorfus, watch out!

You're about to be hit, Dorfus.

- [King Vid] Yeah!

- [Jeff] Dorfus.

(chuckling)

Dorfus, come on, here's
your second man.

Now come on, Dorfus.

(beeping and blooping)

Dorfus, play the game.

(beeping and blooping)

- [King Vid] Yeah, yeah!

This Dorfus, is for you.

(chuckling)

- [Jeff] We're gonna do this.

Come on, we gotta win.

Come on, Dorfus, get goin'.

- [King Vid] Oh yeah!

(rumbling and beeping)

Great, great!

- Dorfus, what are you doing?

(beeping)

- You're down to your last man,
Dorfus!

(blooping)

- [Jeff] There's only
one man left.

What are you doing, Dorfus?

Dorfus, come on, there's
only one left.

Come on!

- What's he doing? (laughs)

Too bad, Dorfus, too bad!

- I lost my candy bar.

Oh, there's your man.

(beeping)

(screams)

- [Woman] All right!

(dramatic pop music)

- [Jeff] Yeah, go, go, go, go,
go.

Go, go, go, go, Dorfus.

(people shouting and chattering)

(thumping pop music)

- [Crowd] Go, go!

(thumping pop music)

- Go, go, go, go, go!

(crowd shouting and chattering)

- [Jeff] Come on, Dor-Man.

Come on, time it.

(chortling)

(beeping and blooping)

- [Man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Go, Dorfus, go!

(crowd cheers and shouts)

(beeping and blooping)

- Dorfus, you won.

Hey, Dorfus.

Dorfus, you can stop now.

Hey, Dorfus, it's only a game.

Come on.
- No, no, Jeff.

It's not just a game.

To Dorfus, playing video games

is like eating or sleeping,

breathing, things that we
take for granted

and never question.

You ask Dorfus to stop

and you don't realize

that for him to give up

would be for him to give up

on the very impulse that
allows his heart

to continue beating,

the blood to surge
through his veins,

and the air to fill
through his lungs.

(rhythmic pop music)

- God, Eugene,

you're makin' me sick
to my stomach.

(rhythmic pop music)

- You have just witnessed
a true champion.

God.

- [Dorfus] Sorry you lost,

but maybe you should
color your hair.

- Hey, hey, look, Vidiot,

uh, you can stay, but,
uh, no trouble, promise?

- Hey, man,

a Vidiot never promises nothin'
to no one!

(rapid rock music)

- Oh no.

- Uh oh.

- Patsy, I thought I told you

you couldn't come here anymore.

- Yeah, but, Daddy, that was,
like, to the video arcade.

This isn't a video arcade.

It's like a party in
the middle of the night

after the arcade,

so this is like the
party atmosphere.

- Bailey, you've gone too
far this time.

You have no right to
keep this business open

this late at night.

- We are not open for business,
Rutter.

This is a private party.

- Yeah, Daddy, and no offense,

but you weren't on
the invite list.

Way to rude.

- Look, you're taking blatant
advantage of these minors.

I mean, look around, how
these young girls are dressed.

- Ooh, yeah.

And I know each and every
one personally,

so if you're interested,

let me know which one

and I'll fix ya up with 'em.

- Look, I've had just
about enough of you

for one night, young man.

- I want you outta here, Rutter.

This is a private gathering.

- Yeah, I'm leaving,

but you haven't heard the
last of me yet.

(rapid rock music)

- It's a stupid idea
about stealin' those games

and rentin' a truck.

- Shut up, Max, shut up,
shut up, shut up!

(rapid rock music)

(gum bubble pops)

- Come here!

(beeping and blooping)

I want you two to arrange

a spontaneous public
demonstration

outside this arcade
tomorrow afternoon.

- That's a good idea,
Uncle Joesph.

- [Joe] Yeah, well
don't screw this one up.

- Uncle Joseph, that reminds me,
uh,

we screwed it up with the
truck tonight,

and we're gonna pick up the tab.

I got the receipt right here.

So don't worry.

We're gonna take care of
it personally.

- This is Alexis Wheeler

speaking to you live from
Bailey's Video Arcade.

We're in the middle of a
spontaneous demonstration

to close down the arcade.

We have a special
interview for you

with this gentleman over here.

Excuse me.

Your name, sir?

- Uh, Joesph Rutter.

Rutter Enterprises,
right here in River City.

- Mr.
Rutter, do you have

anything to do

with this demonstration?

- Well no, ma'am, I came
here as a shocked parent,

a concerned parent who
cares very deeply

about all the children of
this community.

You know, what takes place here,

day after day, stands
as a testament

to the rotting moral decay
of our society.

- Rutter was determined
to close us down

from the moment he walked
into this place.

- The man's a driven asshole.

- No, no, you don't
see what I mean.

He was there when Alva and Lola

ran out with their tops off.

He thinks we're
running a bordello.

- Bordello?
- Bordello?

- Yes, you should've seen
the expression

on the druggist's face when
I picked up these slides

this morning.

Look at this.

- What, what have you got there?

- And so, at the video arcade,

with one very angry and
frustrated parent,

this is Alexis Wheeler,
Channel Six,

Up To the Minute News.

- All right.

Uh, I got an idea.

Alexis.

- This is Alexis Wheeler
speaking to you poolside

at the home of Mr.
Joseph Rutter,

who is conducting the
campaign in this city

to close down the video arcade.

Mr. Rutter, thank you
for allowing us

into your home.

Could you reiterate
to our audience

what it is you plan
to accomplish?

- Now we have a
contingency of parents, uh,

demonstrating in front of
the arcade now,

and we will continue to do so

until Mayor Neville
calls a special meeting

of the City Council to discuss
this issue specifically,

and it has to be done soon,

before anymore harm to
our children is done.

- [Alexis] Uh, have
you, in fact, ever gone

to the video arcade?

- Haven't I made myself clear,
lady?

That damn video
arcade is nothing

but a breeding ground
for decadent

and antisocial behavior.

- That's interesting, Mr.
Rutter.

Uh, speaking of
antisocial behavior,

I have photographic evidence

of you at the arcade

with two semi-nude
girls in your arms.

- What, what is this?

Is this a set-up or somethin'?

I mean who do you think
you are, Mike Wallace

or Howard Cosell or somethin',
huh?

- [Alexis] Are you aware of the
photograph of which I speak?

- I have no idea of what
you are talking about.

Do you have that
photograph with you?

- No.

- Well sure.

- Uh, but I do know where
it can be found.

- Uh, yeah, well this is
the worst example

of shoddy journalism I
have ever seen.

- I don't know, I thought
it was a pretty good example

of shoddy journalism.

- No further comment, thank you.

- Uh, no, Mr. Rutter,
we're not quite through.

We have a few more questions,
uh.

- Sorry, no.
- Get them off my property!

- Uh--
- If Uncle Joseph says

it's over, it's over.

- All we have to do now
is wait for his call.

- We got him this time.

♫ Love

♫ Is a moment

♫ Like a wave

- Hey, I thought you said
you were comin' alone.

- These guys don't count.

You got the photographs
like we agreed?

- Yeah, but there's somethin'
I want

you to understand, Rutter.
- Two things, I want the photo

and I want you to tell
that lady journalist

that photo was a phony.

- You can have it.

But you gotta promise that
you'll leave this arcade alone

and that you'll drop those
stupid charges.

- I promised you that
on the phone, didn't I?

Now where's the photo?

- It's right over here
behind the bar.

Hey, hey, these guys are a
little impatient, aren't they?

- Well, I want that photograph.

- Okay now, here's what
you're lookin' for,

but, uh, first I
want you to sign

this simple agreement.

It's nothing complicated.

Just simply reaffirms our
understanding.

- Uh uh, I gave you my word.

- I'm sorry, Rutter, but that's
just not quite good enough.

Hey!

- Have you got the photograph?

Fine, let's go.

(Eugene growls)

Let's go.

(Arnie barks)

(beeping)

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, all demonstrators.

If you come up here and
turn in your picket signs,

you'll get one free token.

That's right, right up
here by the snack bar.

Come on.

- Close the arcade!

Close the arcade!
- Close the arcade!

- What's goin' on here?

Where are the demonstrators?

- It's not our fault,
Uncle Joesph.

- Yeah, Uncle Joseph,

we've been outsmarted.

- This is our place.

What are all these old
dudes doin' here,

hangin' out, takin' up
all our games?

- This place is open
to the public.

I can't determine who comes
in here and plays these games.

- How could you let this happen?

- Oh, man, you sold out!

You really sold out to the max,
man!

- Okay, Vidiot, outta
here right now!

- Hey, you don't have to
tell us to leave!

We're on our way
outta here anyway.

We don't wanna hang in
your crummy joint!

Come on!

(shouting)

(banging)

- Uh, excuse me.

- Yeah, what do you want?

- Uh, could you take me
to your leader?

- The name's King Vidiot.

These are my subjects.

Hey, uh,

have you got a sister?
- Me, no, no, I.

- It's a pleasure to meet you,
Mr.

My card.

- Not impressed.

- Well that's too bad

'cause I think we're on
the same side.

However, if you decide you need,
uh,

help with our young friend
Mr. Bailey in there,

gimme a call.

(gentle instrumental music)

What the hell are you doin'
here?

- You said you wanted to talk.

- I meant my office.

- I don't like offices.

- Why didn't you use the door?

- I don't like doors.

- Very well, Mr.
Vidiot, have a seat.

- I don't like seats.

And that's another thing,

the name is King Vidiot!

Not Mr. Vidiot.

You can call me Your
Highness if you like.

- You and I have
something in common.

Do you know what that is?

- We both like to hang
out in public bathrooms.

- No!

We both hate that arcade.

- Wait a minute, man.

I love the arcade.

- Then let me put it
another way.

Uh, we both hate
Jefferson Bailey.

Now I saw him kick you
outta there last night,

and if you're half the
leader I think you are--

- I am half the leader
you think I am.

- You'd like some revenge.

- Yeah.

Revenge.

Sure.

Revenge.

(crunching)

Revenge

is sweet!

- I tell ya what,

you help me force Jefferson
Bailey out of business,

and I'll buy you your
own video game.

If you're dyin', I'm not
gonna give you

mouth-to-mouth.

(gentle instrumental music)

- You mean my very own machine?

- Yeah.

- Nobody else could touch it?

- No.

- What I gotta do?

- I want a major
disturbance at the arcade.

- Oh we, man, we do
that all the time.

- Yeah, but I want a
special one.

I've got to force the
mayor to move.

- Yeah, yeah,

like, uh,

like, uh,

uh,

breakin' some bones.

- Oh yeah.

- [King Vid] Revenge.

Oh, man,

what if we was to
have some wheels?

- Some wheels?

- Yeah!

Wheels.

(engine revs)

Vidiots!

Yeah!

(laughing)

- Yeah!

- Vidiots, Vidiots, Visiots!

Wheels!

Wheels!

Yeah!

Wheels!

(engine revs)

(pounding rock music)

(grunting)

- Hello, operator?

Quick, get me the police.

This is an emergency!

- This is Alexis Wheeler
reporting to you

from the video arcade,

where violence has just erupted.

(people chattering)

Mr. Rutter, were you a witness
to what happened here today?

- I have nothing to say to you.

Unless, of course,
you're here to apologize

for your scurrilous accusations.

- I have nothing to
apologize about.

But I will admit that with
the violence here today,

the mayor is gonna really
have a problem

with everything that's
been going on.

- Thanks for the wheels, man.

Hi, Mom.

- Uh, what did that
young man mean?

- I have no idea.

He's just another one of
these lunatics

from this asylum.

What'd you start to say
about the mayor?

- I was only suggesting
that the mayor

will more than likely
wanna call a meeting

to discuss everything--
- You heard it, folks.

Straight from Alexis Wheeler.

The mayor's calling a
special emergency meeting

to shut this video arcade down.

- I never said such a thing.

I never--
- Uh, thank you.

- Give me back my microphone.

(gavel bangs)
(people chattering)

- There will be order
in this room.

That's better.

We'll now proceed with
the opening statements.

Uh, Mr. Rutter.

- Mr. Mayor,

councilmen, concerned parents,

children.

(booing)

(thumping rock music)

(gavel bangs)

- Uh, Mr.
Rutter, would you go ahead?

- Thank you, uh, Mr. Mayor.

As you know,

we are here to
extinguish the filth

and the decadence

that is commonly referred to

as video game entertainment.

Fortunately, here in River City,

the problem is isolated,

though no less threatening.

The trouble, right here
in River City,

is Bailey's Video Arcade.

- Yeah!
- All right!

(crowd chatters)

(booing)

- [Man] Throw him out!

(booing)

- [Mayor] Mr. Bailey,

do you care to make some
opening remarks?

- You mean, uh,

other than to say that the
honorable Mr. Joseph Rutter

is full of shit.
- What?

Heel!

(beeping)

- What are some of the signs

of this video madness?

What should a concerned
parent look for?

- A large semicircle of
calluses here

along the ridge between the
thumb and the forefinger.

One should also look for
Pac-Man arthritis

or the Blinky syndrome,

which manifests itself in
the lower forearm and wrist

of the playing hand,

the hand that holds the, uh,

joystick.

(crowd laughs)

- Is there anything
else you have observed?

- Germs.

- Germs, Nurse Tubitt?

- Kids play with their
joysticks day in and day out.

Jerking them back and forth,

sweating on them,

and they don't even
clean them off

when they're through.

(crowd laughs)

Their joysticks are a
hotbed of germs!

Germs!

(beeping)

- Well, as it turns out,
most of my boys

are spending all their time

with these damn video games.

Why, they're addicted to them.

It, it's worse than
dope or booze

or even women.

And it takes their drive away,

like self-abuse.

(beeping)

- If you were to summarize
the effect the video arcade

has had on you,

what would you say?

- Oh, you mean like in,
uh, 25 words or less?

Uh.

The video arcade

has made me what I am today.

(cheering and clapping)

- [Man] Whoo, all right!

- What's the matter, that
was less than 25 words!

(beeping)

- I hoped to convey the
very specific,

easily discernible damages

done by the video arcade.

I would be remiss in my
responsibilities

as spokesman for this cause

without trying to express to you

the frightfully immoral nature

of the arcade ambiance itself.

As soon as you walk
through the door,

you are hit by the
stench of the filth

that covers the premises.

- She's 16, she's beautiful.

She's ready for action.

What am I bid?

- [Patsy] Oh, Jeff, Jeff,
my body is mega entranced,

restless, and abandoned
to be as one with you.

- I'm sorry, Patsy, I'm busy!

You'll have to go elsewhere
for your sexual gratification.

- Oh, Jeff, why are you
always so awesome!

- Go.

- [Woman] Oh, baby, baby, baby.

(laughing and moaning)

- [Patsy] Oh how long
is the line?

- [Max] It said 15 minutes

but it's always longer.

This is my fourth time today,

and I'm going pee a dozen.

- Number 69, number 69.

You know the rules, Candy.

I do the touching.

(groaning)

- [Dorfus] Oh, pretty, pretty.

(laughing and moaning)

(fire crackles)

- And so, in conclusion,

I hope you can all see
the urgent need

to close this place
down as quickly

and as efficiently as possible.

(beeping)

- Now I have listened very
carefully to Mr. Rutter

as I'm sure most of us have.

Now I would like to tell
you the truth.

That the video arcade

is quite a different place

than from what my esteemed
opponent has described.

Children of all ages are
welcome at the video arcade.

Now today, class, we
will continue our lesson

in computer science.

- Mr. Bailey, I want you to know

that your lessons have
been very instrumental

in getting me into college.

- That's right, sir,
especially your lessons

on your private computer.

- I like milk.

It's very nutritious.

I'm drinking milk for good.

(glasses clink)

(gentle instrumental music)

- Oh, I'm sorry, Eugene,

I accidentally rubbed my
breast up against you.

- No harm done, Candy.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Cardinal Dorfus,

these are excellent hit
dogs and bens,

the best I've ever had.

- Thank you, Your Holiness,

but it's hot dog and beans.

- Yes, of course.

(Dorfus farts)

Cardinal Dorfus, do you
smell something?

- Why, no, Your Holiness, I,
I do not.

- Well, never mind.

- Remember, Your Holiness,
the words of the apostle Paul.

He who smelt it first,
hath dealt it first.

- Yes, that is as it should be.

- Ah!

(beeping)
(clapping)

- [Man] Woo, all right!

- I would be wholly
remiss in my duties

if I didn't call one very
special witness to the stand.

That is, of course, if I have
the approval of Mr. Rutter.

- It's a free country.

- Patsy Rutter.

- [Joesph] Huh?

(cheering and clapping)

(beeping)

- Now in your own words,

would you please
tell the Council

how you feel about the
video arcade?

- Okay!

Like where are we
supposed to go?

Sure, there's the galleria,

and there's, like, going to
the movies and everything,

or going to 7-11 after
school for stuff,

but, like, that's totally it.

Jeff Bailey's Video Arcade

is the only place to go

for good clean fun.

- Good clean fun?

My God, Patsy, are you crazy?

My God,

that place is slime and
pure unadulterated slime

and immoralist slime!

Slime!

(crowd chattering)

What?

(crowd chattering)

- Well, thank you, Mr. Rutter,

for very nicely leading
me into my next point

about immorality as we
see it today.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as a way of clearing up Mr.
Rutter's

definition of immoral slime,

watch this.

(beeping)

(shouting and chattering)

(beeping)

- My God, Max, you said
you got that photo!

- [Max] I did, it's right here!

- May I please have
Eugene's photo back?

And in conclusion, as for
the video arcade

being a threat to the community,

I'll tell ya that

until my grandfather
and I opened the arcade,

these kids never felt
that they belonged

to a community at all.

At the arcade, the kids belong.

(cheering and shouting)

- [Mayor] That slide
obviously proves it

as a personal matter.

(crowd chattering)

- Your Honor, no city
ordinances were broken.

I don't see how you could
possibly close this arcade.

(gavel bangs)

- This Council of River City

concludes

that, eh, no laws have
been broken at the arcade,

so we, we can find no evidence

to warrant its closing.

(shouting and clapping)

(gavel bangs)

As long as you don't
break any laws.

(crowd chatters)

Let's get the hell outta here.

- Patsy!

You best go home now, darling.

Well, congratulations, young Mr.
Bailey,

you did quite well in here.

- Well, thank you, Rutter,
that's uh,

very sportsmanlike of you.

- Suppose you think you've
got this thing won, huh?

- You heard what the mayor said.

As long as we keep things
within the law.

- Well I suppose you'd
be interested

to see what my two nephews here

have found in the kitchen
of your snack bar.

- [Dorfus] You're just
not gonna give up,

are ya, Rutter?

- Why you son of a--

- No, no, just wait a minute!

- What?

- Um,

well I just had an idea,
that's all.

I thought that maybe we could
settle this like gentlemen.

- [Dorfus] What, are you crazy,
Eugene,

or hit your head on somethin'?

- No.

It's just that last time
we had a disagreement,

we played a game at the arcade,

and the winner of the
game decides.

- This little wimp
speak for you?

- Yeah, this little wimp
speaks for me,

and I challenge you to a game.

My man against any
man you choose.

If you win, I'll close
the arcade down.

But if I win, you leave
the arcade the hell alone.

- You know my man, His
Highness King Vidiot!

- Yeah, and my man is
Jonathan McDorfus.

- Okay.

This time, we play my game,
Super-Pac!

- Piece of cake.

- Ha!
- Ha!

- Ha!
- Ha!

- Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep.

(humming)

- Well, it's all settled then.

Shall we say, uh, nine
o'clock in the morning?

- No, make it 11, Rutter!

I gotta eat my breakfast first.

- Okay, calm down, Dorfman.

You're in training.

- All right, you two
know what to do now, huh?

You sure you know where
that slob kid lives?

(beeping)

Well, well, kid, what do ya say,
huh?

- What are you doin'?
- Where's your man?

- Dorfus, he's around.

- No, he's not around--
- Shh.

Excuse me, sir, private
conversation,

thank you.
- Yeah, sure.

- What's wrong?
- He's not at home,

and the guy at the hot dog
stand next door

hasn't seen him
since last night.

- Not since last night?
- No.

- Your Highness.

Tell ya what, kid, it's
put up or shut up time.

You gonna forfeit?

- Hell I am, I'll just
choose someone else to play.

- I'll tell you what, Bailey,

you're so smart, I'll play you.

- No, that's not the deal.

- That's right.

Besides, idiot, you know
I never play these games.

- Never play these games,

sure, you never play
these games.

- That's right, so it
wouldn't be fair,

so I'll just choose
someone else to play.

- Is he shittin' me?
- No.

Everybody knows Bailey
doesn't play video games.

He's a regular chicken. (clucks)

- I'll tell ya what, Bailey, uh,

let's sweeten the pot
a little bit here, huh?

I'll let you play but
you've gotta promise

that if you lose this match,

you'll not only shut
this arcade down,

you'll never open another
arcade here in River City, huh?

- All right, you've got it.

But you've gotta give
me 15 minutes.

- You got it.

(laughing)

- I think there's something
I should tell you.

- Yeah?
- Well,

you know the reason why
I never play these games?

- No.
- Well,

they, they make me
physically ill.

- [Eugene] What?

- Yeah.

I mean, every time I look
into one of those screens,

I get dizzy and I--
- Jeff?

Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- I mean, you looked a
little weird.

- No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's cool, thanks.
- Oh.

- Jeff, you must be shitting me.

- No, Eugene, I
wouldn't shit you

at a time like this.

- But why?

Why, Jeff, why do you
get so dizzy?

I know, I'll run and get
some Dramamine.

- Eugene, that is
not gonna help.

I guess I better tell ya
the whole story.

It all started, Eugene,
because I loved video games.

And I guess that's why
Dorfus and I became so close.

I mean, we'd play each other,

and sometimes he'd win,

and sometimes I'd win, and.

- Gosh, you must be really good.

- I was, Eugene, was.

Anyhow, about six months ago,

I convinced my grandfather to

turn the warehouse
into the arcade

We had a fantastic
grand opening.

And after we were closed,

my girlfriend and I, Sandy,

we kinda hung around a
while, you know, and.

God, it was wonderful, Eugene.

We were so in love.

And it was the, uh, first
time for both of us.

Everything was just perfect.

♫ Love

♫ Is a moment

♫ Like a wave

♫ Lost in the ocean

♫ Calm

♫ So deceptive

♫ Like the storm

♫ She's expectin'

♫ Oh I

♫ Never ever felt
this good before

♫ You

♫ Never ever thought
I could before

♫ You

♫ Sailed into my life

♫ And said hello

♫ On a Sunday

Everything was wonderful.

Until I looked into a
video screen

and there was the
reflection of her father.

Eugene, it was awful.

He started slapping her.

(romantic pop music)

- What happened then?

- They moved outta town

and I haven't seen her since.

And now every time I look
into one of those screens,

I see the reflection
of her father.

And I haven't played
those games since.

- I'll help ya, Jeff.

You gotta come through this.

Everybody out there's
depending on you.

- You gonna help me, Eugene?

- You can count on me, Jeff.

(staccato instrumental music)

Make sure at least three
monsters (speaker fades out).

You only have a limited number.

Use them sparingly
(speaker fades out).

The energizers earned in Pac-Man

are what spinach is to Popeye.

Never hesitate moving
the Pac-Man.

Hesitation can be more harmful

than the monsters.

Courage is one of four
ways to stop hesitation.

The other three are
practice, practice, practice!

Go on, Jeff, do it,
you can do it.

Just look at it.

- Eugene, I know you're tryin',

but I can't--
- Jeff, Jeff.

- I don't think I can do it.

Eugene--
- This is the grandfather

of all Pac-Man games.

This is where it all started.

No, you've gotta do it.

You don't have much time.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- What happened?

- Nothing.
- Where was I?

- Okay, it's time to go
to the joystick.

- Oh no, Eugene, I
don't think I can do it.

- Come on, Bailey, get up
there and do it.

Come on, it's got a maze,
it'll be fun.

No, man.

It's the same thing as a maze.

Go, man.

That's it, up, now dodge,
faster, faster.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Perfect, go!

It's just like Super-Pac

except she's a
striptease artist.

Go!

- Okay, Eugene, it's comin'
back.

Yeah, okay.

I feel it.
- Go, fast, dodge, dodge!

Dodge, dodge!
- Yeah.

(dramatic instrumental music)

The mo's workin', Eugene.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah.

Okay, Eugene.

- Got it?
- Let's go!

(shouting)
(dramatic instrumental music)

Yeah, we got it!

Go, go!
(dramatic instrumental music)

(crowd chattering)

Yeah.
- Yeah!

- Okay, Eugene.

All right, Eugene, I
got the momentum.

- The big mo.
- The big mo is workin'.

All right, all right, all right.

Vidiot,

I am ready.

- You had better be.

- Okay, if everyone will,
like, just bag the noise, okay?

Like we can do this.

Okay, players on their marks,

get set,

start game!

(blooping)

- [Man] Come on, come on, Jeff.

- [Woman] Let's go.

Come on, come on.

- Get that power pellet.
- Come on.

- [King Vid] Ain't nothin'
gonna save you now, Bailey.

- [Eugene] Come on, Jeff,
concentrate.

Big mo, big mo.

- [Jeff] Come on, help me,
please.

Come on.

On no, no.

Oh no, this can't be happening.

This can't be happening.
- Jeff!

- God, what am I doing?

What am I doing?

(blooping)

Find Dorfus.

(crunching)

- [Max] Oh God, Uncle Joe,

Uncle Joe's gonna freak.

Oh God.

- Max, you know,

I smell somethin' fishy.

This shithead's not goin'
anywhere.

Why don't you and me go
down to the arcade

and see if everything's
all right with Uncle Joe?

We'll be right back.

Oh yeah.

- [Man On TV] Put it
all on the table.

(comedic instrumental music)

And, uh, why is he, why is
he comin' after me like that?

(grunting)

He's a big guy.

(muffled shouting)

Al, what are you doin'?

(Dorfus farts wetly)

- Oh.

(comedic instrumental music)

(Dorfus farts explosively)

(Dorfus farts wetly)

(shouts)

My prayers have been answered.

Oh!

Oh God!

Oh, take me!

Take all of me!

- [Woman] Move it, move it.

- Man, this is cake.

- No.

- Jeff, I can't find
him anywhere,

but don't worry,

just remember the big mo.

(beeping)

- [Jeff] Help.

Help.

- Come on.

Come on.

(laughing)

Donuts, donuts!

Gimme 'em!

Ain't nothin' gonna
help you now, Jefferson.

- That's all right.

Forget about the past.

Just concentrate now.

Do it now.

♫ We can get a video high

♫ Just keep those
quarters comin'

♫ We'll play till the day we die

♫ 'Cause we are

♫ Video video video

Jeff, the mayor!

- Oh shit.

Okay, Eugene,

you're the new
assistant manager.

I want you to go talk to him,
PR him,

schmooze him.

- Okay.
- Do it.

♫ Video vidiots

(beeping)

♫ Video video video

- Mayor Neville, hi.

I'm Eugene Groebe.

Uh, the assistant manager
here at the establishment.

- I see.

- Yeah, can I help you?

- Uh, no, no, thank you, Eugene.

I just thought I'd
come down here

and have a cordial look
around for myself.

- Yes, well, then as a way
of making you feel welcome,

can I present you with
some complimentary tokens

so you can play the games?

- Oh, these games, me
play these games?

No, no, no, no, no.

I, I don't think so, Eugene.

- Oh come on, give it a try.

You're only young once.

Uh, there, play Gorf.

It's easy.

Here's your token.

- [Mayor] Uh, what's that for?

- [Eugene] Well we use
those instead of quarters.

Put it in the slot right there.

- Uh huh.

Now what do I do?

- Oh, press start.

- Press start.

- [Eugene] And try and not
get blasted by these ships.

- Mm hmm.

What, what happened?

- You got blasted by the ships.

- Oh, I did, did I?

Well they can't do that to me.

We'll just see about that.

Let me try again.

What do I do, what do I do?

- Hold on to the joystick there

and, that's it, and
then just dodge.

Yeah, yeah.

Now with your index finger,
you can shoot.

And there ya go.

All right.

(Mayor chuckles)

♫ Video video video

- [Man] Come on!

Come on, Jeff, go, go!
- Oh please help me.

Come on, you can do it.

- What's the matter, Bailey?
(laughs)

Come on.

Wait a minute.

(Vid laughs)

- If, if you'll untie me,

we can prepare for a
marathon experience

unlike anything
you've had before.

- Oh, this is unlike
anything I've had before.

- Yes, yes, but,

but what I'm talking about

is your wildest
fantasies come to life.

(Vivian moans)

We'll meet again tonight.

- Oh!
- And I will have other

young, strong bodies with me.

- Oh!

- Yes, and even, even some,

I know you're not gonna
believe this,

better than I.

- Better than you?

- Yes.

Yes, there,

there are some out there.

Few, few, but they're there,

and they'll be with me tonight.

(Vivian moans)

♫ Video video video vidiots

♫ Video video video video

♫ Video vidiots

(blooping)

(chuckling)

- Arnie, look at that.

♫ Some day there won't be

♫ Policemen anymore

(blooping and beeping)

- Turn out the lights.

Party's over.

You 'bout ready to call it
quits there, Bailey boy?

- It's not over yet, Rutter.

- [Eugene] Come on, Jeff,
concentrate.

(blooping)

- Hey, down to your last man.

It looks like
liquidation time to me.

- [King Vid] Yeah, give that
boy a barf bag. (laughs)

Oh, the clovers, the clovers!

Oh, 1600!

♫ Video video video vidiots

- Hey, uh, why don't
ya face up to it, pal?

You're a loser.
- Come on, Jeff,

come on!
- You can do it,

you can do it!

Come on, confidence is the key!

- Hey, King Vidiot,

might as well put it to bed,
huh?

You done whupped him royally.

Royally. (laughs)

- Nice, good game, Bailey.
- Vidiot's quittin',

he's stopped playin'.

- [King Vid] Ah, it'll all
be over in a second anyway.

(blooping and beeping)

♫ Video video video video

(Dorfus farts explosively)

- Your wife has a
lovely bathroom.

- What?

- All right.
- All right, Dorfus.

- No, no, wait, Dorfus,

before you take over,

there's something you
should know.

The reason Jeff
doesn't play games.

- Oh, you mean about Sandy?
- Yeah.

- So what?

- Well, it's just that I
thought you were his friend,

that's all.

- Come on, you guys, we
can discuss this later.

Now, Dorfus, help, help.

- I am Jeff's friend,

but don't you want me to
save the arcade?

- Of course I do, but
I just think

it's more important that
we make Jeff face

his problems.

If you take over now,

he may be scarred for life.

Dorfus, he's got to
do it himself.

- Eugene, not now, please.

(blooping)

- Jeff, Eugene's right.

You, you, you, you gotta
face up to this.

You gotta quit hidin' from this.

I know you can do it, man.

Go for it, come on.

- Go for it, Jeff.
- Go for it, Jeff!

- All right!
- Go!

♫ Keen eyes

♫ Quick hands

♫ Energize

♫ My soul again

♫ Gonna see

♫ My name in lights

♫ Playing with my joystick

♫ Wiggle left

♫ Jerk it right

♫ Zappin' everything in sight

♫ Shoot fast

♫ Shoot straight

♫ Video to the max

♫ One down

♫ Two to go

♫ Can't stop

(shouting)

- No, there's no way he's
gonna catch up.

No way, no way!

One, one mistake and he's dead.

- Why'd you cut off your
last minute for?

You never do that till
you've definitely won!

- You told me to!
- I did not,

it's your fault!

You're supposed to
be the expert!

- No, wait.
- Oh God!

- No, wait!

Does that mean I don't
get my own video game?

Oh no!

No!

- This is a violation,
it's wrong,

he, he's cheating!

(laughing)

♫ One down

You two.
- Hi, Uncle Joe,

how's it hangin'?
- Everything's under control,

Uncle Joesph, don't worry.

- Neville?

Neville, you gonna allow
this video madness to go on?

- Oh, I've run out of tokens!

Uh, Rutter, give me a token.

- Never, this place is a
health menace.

I've got photographic proof

of violent health
ordinance violations.

- Oh blow it out your ass,
Rutter!

This is a great place,
really a great place.

Listen, are you gonna get
me a token or aren't ya?

(shouting)

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I've got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video games

(cheering)
- Yeah!

Yeah!

(shouting and cheering)

- [Man] Yeah, we did it!

(shouting and cheering)

- This all your fault.

It's y'all's fault, not mine.

- [Patsy] My God!

I can't believe this!
- Miss Rutter,

do you have a token?

Oh, bless you, my dear.

- Is this my daddy, Mr. Rutter,

chief video arcade destroyer

of the city spazzing out like
a gel-brain motz-a-ron-day?

- [Max] Does this mean we
don't get the video machines

for the den?

- Why can't my daddy be
like everybody else's

and stay home and BBQ?

- Nuts!

I have not yet begun to fight!

- [Arnie] I think Uncle
Joseph's mad!

(cheering and shouting)

- All right, all right.

Everybody, all the
tokens are on the house.

Eugene, get 'em all free tokens!

(shouting and cheering)

- Jeff.

- Grandpa George!

- Jeff.
- You're back.

Oh, Grandpa, you missed it.

I was able to play again.

It was so great.
- Oh, that's wonderful, Jeff.

That's wonderful.

And I've got more
wonderful news for ya.

I've been lookin' for a
friend of yours,

and I found her.

- Sandy.

- Oh, young people should be
together, don't you think?

- Oh, yes, sir, I, ooh.
(chuckles)

Hi.

- Dorfus, you tell your
young friend here

that this here lass
belongs to me.

- (chuckles) But, Grandpa
George, you see,

Eugene's got a, a special
kind of problem.

- Oh, hell, that's obvious.

Somebody gotta get
this boy laid!

(energetic rock music)

- Oh, this is the way.

Okay, Eugene, you're
on your own.

- Aren't you guys gonna
come in with me?

- No, it's best if you
experience it yourself.

It'll have more meaning
for ya that way, Eugene.

(Dorfus chuckles)

Go get 'em.

- Psych up.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

- Hi.

(whip snaps)

- Hello there, big boy.

- Mrs. Rutter.

Um, I'm Eugene Groebe.

And, um, I'd like you
to meet Simba.

(zipper buzzes)

- [Dorfus] What do you wanna do?

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Hey, girl

♫ It's your last chance

♫ You can't keep

♫ Comin' around, comin' around

♫ Lovin' me while you're makin'
the rounds

♫ The situation's way outta hand

♫ I want you more than a
one-night stand

♫ This time, girl

♫ You gotta think twice

♫ One chance, girl

♫ To make it all right

♫ I'll give you one chance

♫ But it's your last
chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Hey, girl

♫ It's your last chance

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

(MultiCom Jingle)