Johnny Dangerously (1984) - full transcript
Set in the 1930s, an honest, goodhearted man is forced to turn to a life of crime to finance his neurotic mother's skyrocketing medical bills.
**
**
* I eat filet mignons
seven times a day *
* My bathtub's filled
with Perrier *
* What can I say
This is the life *
* I buy a dozen cars
when I'm in the mood *
* I hire somebody
to chew my food *
* I'm an upwardly mobile dude
This is the life *
* They say that
money corrupts you *
* But I can't really tell *
* I got the whole world
at my feet *
* And I think
it's pretty swell *
* I got women lined up
outside my door *
* They've been waitin' there
since a week before *
* Who could ask for more
This is the life *
* Whaa da whaa da *
* You're dead
for a real long time *
* You just can't prevent it *
* So if money
can't buy happiness *
* I guess
I'll have to rent it *
* Yeah, every day
I make the front page news *
* No time to pay my dues *
* I got a million pairs of shoes
This is the life *
* That's right, I'm the king
Number one *
* I buy monogrammed Kleenex
by the ton *
* I pay the bills
I call the shots *
* I grease the palms
I buy the yachts *
* One thing I can guarantee *
* The best things in life
they sure ain't free *
* It's such a thrill
just to be me *
* This is the life *
* Ahh *
* This is the life **
Anybody hungry?
Didn't think so.
Just kidding.
Okay, fellas, food time.
Bert. Liver, no onions.
Here you go, Bertie.
There you go.
And for dessert,
there you go.
Connie, Mack, you kids wanted
the tuna, hold the Mayo.
Lovely choice.
I'm not crazy about
you two living together.
Marvin, you ordered
the flounder.
I didn't like
the way it looked,
so I prepared
something special.
I think you're
gonna like this.
And maybe not.
Okay, here we go.
- Polly, get that.
- All right.
Kelly's pet shop.
Polly speaking.
It's your mother, Johnny.
- Tell her to hold,
would ya?
- Hang on.
Thanks, pal.
Hiya, Ma.
Uh-huh.
I was just feeding
the animals.
It's probably
just the weather.
I wouldn't
worry about it.
It will probably
get better tomorrow.
If you wouldn't drink
so much, the whole thing
would clear up.
I'll see you later.
All right, come here.
Hand it over.
What was that noise?
It was this
little gadget here.
Prevents stealing.
Stops guys like you.
Go ahead. Call the cops.
Let's get this over with.
Ah, pretty tough, huh?
Tough enough.
Yeah?
You like stealing?
Beats paying for it.
You think stealing
makes you a big man?
Bigger than you...
wearing an apron,
feeding monkeys.
Ha ha ha.
Sit down.
I'll tell you where
stealing gets you.
Wake me when
you're through.
I started out just like you.
Must have been 25 years ago.
What's going on?
Don't worry. It'll end
in a couple of minutes.
It always does this
when I talk about the past.
Anyway, it was 1910.
Times were good in America.
There was plenty of everything...
Jobs, security, laughs.
America was in great shape,
except for
President William Taft.
Was he a porker.
He weighed as much
as Teddy Roosevelt and
half of William McKinley.
Immigrants came
from all over the world,
looking for a better life.
And over 97% of them...
settled in a two-block area
of New York City.
There used to be a law called
the McCoy Act of 1909.
It said immigrants
wanting citizenship...
had to stay
out of their apartments
at least four hours a day...
and walk the streets
with hats on.
Most immigrants
didn't find the streets
paved with gold.
Instead,
they found hard times.
Nobody had it tougher
than my mom, Mom Kelly.
She was kind and sweet.
She had a colorful way
of putting things.
The Lower East Side...
This really sucks.
- I was just starting out
in business.
- Hey, kid, you got a paper?
Hiya, Mom.
Hiya, Johnny.
Your pancreas
feeling better?
Don't worry about me.
Just keep yourself warm.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, God!
It's the worst July
in years.
Go on upstairs.
After I sell these,
we'll celebrate your birthday.
Ahh.
You're my darling boy.
Hey, kid, paper here.
Yeah.
All right. Tribune.
Get your Tribune.
Get your Tribune.
Aah!
A lousy penny.
Get your Tribune.
This is my corner.
Danny Vermin don't move
for nobody, Kelly.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
It's okay, Officer.
I can handle this myself.
Stop the car.
I want to see this.
Yes, sir, Mr. Dundee.
Ha ha ha ha!
And no hard feelings.
You ain't seen
the last of Danny Vermin.
Hey, kid, come here.
I like the way
you handle yourself.
Thanks, mister.
Do you know
who this man is?
I give up.
How'd you like
to make $50?
Do I have to
break the law?
If I broke the law,
it would be like breaking
my mother's heart.
Okay, kid.
But if you
change your mind,
I'll be
at the Club 25.
Dr. Magnus.
How's my mother?
It's her pancreas again.
She'll need an operation
immediately.
How much
will it cost?
$49.95. This week only.
Where can I get
that much money?
Knock over
a gas station.
Hiya, Tommy.
Hi, Johnny.
Hiya, Mom.
You're a sucker
for a left.
Take a break.
I can't.
I'm a year behind on
Mr. Stevenson's shirts.
There's a new law
against washing
on your birthday.
Gosh, Johnny, I really
don't think that's a law.
You won't find it in
your law books because
I just made it up.
Look. He colored
Oliver Wendell Holmes purple.
Isn't that something?
Only 6 years old.
Your poor father
would have been proud.
He wanted you
to be a lawyer.
He could have used one.
You'll make something
of yourself, Tommy.
I'll see that you do.
No mother
was ever blessed
with two finer sons.
Happy birthday, Mom.
Bless the saints!
An ashtray!
I been thinking of
taking up smoking.
How does it feel
to be 29?
I only hope
I reach 30.
Are you all right, Mom?
I'll be fine.
Go back to work.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be all right.
She needs
an operation.
If I broke the law,
I'd break my mother's heart.
$49.95.
You want to make $50?
I just hope
I reach 30.
I'll be
at the Club 25.
Sorry, Mom.
It's the only way.
No more nodding!
Place your bets, please.
Dundee's gang is here.
What's that
bastige want, huh?
How's tricks, Moronie?
What are you
doing here, icehole?
Can't a fellow enjoy
a night out gambling?
Don't bullshty me.
Search him.
We're clean.
I don't bear no grudges,
even though you've
been muscling in
on my territory.
Why, Moronie?
It's a free country,
icehole.
They're clean, boss.
You and the rest of
your bastiges can gamble,
but don't try
no fargin trick.
Otherwise, you'll wind up
with your bells in a sling.
What a mouth
on that guy!
Place your bets, please.
Place your bets.
Hey, kid.
Paper, mister?
Here you go.
Here you are, sir.
Thanks, kid.
Nobody move,
and nobody will get hurt.
All we want
is Moronie's money.
Go ahead, kid.
You fargin sneaky bastige!
I going to take your dwork!
I going to
nail it to the wall!
I going to crush your boils
in a meat grinder!
I cut off your arms!
I shove them
up your icehole!
Dirty sum un a batch!
My own club!
Mr. Dundee, watch out!
Lock the fargin door!
We got Dundee!
Get that lousy kid!
Oh!
Get that kid!
It's only a fargin kid!
Get him!
Give me a gun!
Give me a gun!
Next shooter.
Kid's like a monkey.
Get him!
It's a fargin kid!
Get him!
Hell of
an anniversary, Lou.
I don't believe you guys!
Get him or you all fired!
No, no, no!
Permesso.
Say your prayers,
icehole.
Oh!
Hold it.
Why, you miserable
corksucker!
I gonna
get you for this.
Roman Moronie never forget
a fargin face, kid.
I'll get you.
You okay, boss?
Yeah. Thanks
to this kid and this.
Thanks a lot, kid.
From now on,
you're my boy.
Yeah, kid, you really
live dangerously.
By the way,
what's your name?
Johnny.
Johnny...
Johnny Dangerously.
I should've
never picked that name.
A name like that
you got to live up to.
Act tough.
Put up a front.
I got into a lot of fights.
What's your last name?
Binderhoff.
Don't ever
change that name.
You'll stay
out of trouble.
Anyway, Mom got better.
I didn't do any more jobs
for the Dundee gang.
I grew up your average,
poverty-stricken teenager,
thinking about girls,
my hair, girls.
I've never seen
anyone dance like that.
Hi, Dr. Magnus.
How's my mother?
It's her thyroid, Johnny.
What's wrong?
We can't find it.
We're gonna have to do
a thyroid search.
How much is that?
You're in luck.
This week, a special... $999.
$999?
Talk about bad luck.
There was only one place
I could get that much money.
So I joined
the Jocko Dundee mob
full-time.
Jocko was still at war
with Roman Moronie.
The years didn't soften Moronie.
He continued to murder
the English language...
and anyone who got in his way.
Moronie had rules for his gang.
First, never park
in his private space.
The Dundee gang was more fun.
We did illegal things,
but we never
bothered the public.
Every Christmas, Jocko returned
some cash to the community.
Every chance I got,
I returned
to the old neighborhood.
They looked up to me there
like I was a folk hero.
"I love Johnny" T-shirts.
I love Johnny!
Johnny, can I follow
in your footsteps?
Sure, kid. Here.
It's burning a hole
in my pocket.
Look, Rosie,
it's Johnny Dangerously.
Mrs. Zimmer,
everybody, over here.
What did I tell you
neighborhood people?
Around here,
you're Johnny Kelly,
a law-abiding
nightclub owner,
not the notorious gangster,
Johnny Dangerously.
Sure, and I'm the pope.
Hey, Pope.
How'd you know?
Johnny, everybody knows
except your mother
and your brother.
And as far
as we're concerned,
nobody will say nothing.
Thanks, Your Holiness.
Build yourself a new gym
at the Vatican.
Ho ho ho ho!
Oh!
Ah, bless you, Johnny.
Johnny!
Hiya, Ma.
How's my best girl?
Watch that left, Ma.
I love him,
but someday I'm going to
knock him on his ass.
What you cooking, Ma?
Beer.
With noodles.
Great idea.
So, Ma, what's new?
Me arthritis,
that's new.
One of the muscles
in me calf is shriveling up.
Also, I'm losing sensation
on the left side of me face,
which I think is the beginning
of a neurological disorder.
The rest of me
is in the pink.
You got to take
better care of yourself.
I don't want you doing
other people's laundry.
What are you sayin',
give up me career?
Maybe you ought to retire.
Enjoy the golden years, Ma.
Not do this.
Son, I couldn't
consider retiring,
not so long as I can
still give good laundry.
Where's Tommy?
Don't be talking to me
about Tommy.
Why not?
Because I'm leaving
law school.
If this is some joke,
I ain't laughing.
I'm dropping out of law school
so Sally and I can be married.
You can't change my mind.
Do you want this, Sally?
I want whatever
Tommy wants.
He makes
the decisions.
Sally's place
is in the home.
I intend to support her.
I'll do anything...
shine boots, drive a hack,
blow glass, anything.
Johnny,
talk sense to him.
Can't you see
you're breaking
your mother's heart?
Why, Tommy?
I can't say it
in front of mom.
Okay. I got some business
to take care of.
You meet me at my place...
Oh, 10:00, all right?
All right.
You little muskrat.
I'll see you, Sally.
Good-bye.
Ma, don't worry.
I'll straighten
everything out.
Hey, Ma, what's this
in your ear?
$100?
What can't you say
in front of mom?
Nothing, Mom.
I know what you can't say.
You want to get laid.
Mom!
You want to hump
your brains out.
Ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Morning, Pat.
Morning, Johnny.
How's your dear mother?
Much better.
Thanks for asking.
She's such
a wonderful woman.
Yes, she is.
She's got
the smile of an angel.
* I love all the many charms
about you *
* Above all,
I want my arms about you *
* Don't be a naughty baby *
* Come to mama, do *
* My sweet embraceable *
* You **
Oh, Johnny!
Johnny's here!
Johnny!
Johnny, want to be
my first?
It's my turn.
I'm not wearing a bra.
That makes two of us.
I'm a real blonde.
Check it out Thursday.
How do you do it?
Mutual respect.
Hey, who's
the nightingale?
Some dame.
She flew in
from Pittsburgh.
Say, kid.
What do they call you?
Impressive.
Her name
is Lil Sheridan.
Thanks.
Lil Sheridan, huh?
My name's Dangerously,
Johnny Dangerously.
Do you know your
last name's an adverb?
Hey, I like that.
You got spirit,
spunk, fire, verve.
You got those.
I like those on a woman.
Gee. My heart's
all a-flutter.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you
take my card?
Enjoying yourself?
You call me tomorrow.
Don't be upset
when you don't hear
the phone ringing.
Suit yourself.
I hope this is
helping your morale.
That's the first time...
I had to
take that card back.
I kind of like it.
I'll be seeing you.
Does the word "smitten"
mean anything to anybody?
Hey, Johnny.
Hiya, Johnny.
Hiya, Vito.
Better cut down
on that pasta, pal.
I'm starting
the Cambridge diet
on Monday.
Why are you so happy?
I just met an angel.
An absolute angel.
You met Lil, huh?
Sure did, Mr. Dundee.
You see this card?
This card
has been to paradise.
Johnny's in love.
You remind me of
me and the wife
20 years ago.
Of course, Mae never
looked like Lil.
Now she
looks like him.
But what am I,
a beauty?
Dames are put on
this Earth to weaken us,
drain our energy,
laugh at us
when they see us naked.
Johnny, meet two new
members of the gang,
Danny Vermin
and Dutch.
Hello, Johnny.
Hiya, Danny.
Danny and I
used to fight.
What happened to you?
I fulfilled
a lot of predictions.
I've become a scumbag.
Good, Danny.
Many people
never realize what
they want to be.
Delivery
for Jocko Dundee.
There's
some postage due,
but I'll
take care of it.
No problem.
What's this?
He sent a robot.
"Dear bastiges,
I hope I got some of you.
"If not, I'll get you
when I take over the Club 25.
Love and kisses,
Roman Moronie."
We got to stop him.
I got something
to stop him.
They made it
for him special.
It's an .88 magnum.
It shoots
through schools.
Vermin, you got too much
sugar in your diet.
Put the gun away.
Maybe I will
and maybe I won't.
Stash the rod, Danny.
You shouldn't
grab me, Johnny.
My mother
grabbed me once.
Once.
What will you do, Johnny?
I'll think of something.
Something clever.
Something unexpected.
Something subtle.
This club
is too fargin small.
How big was the crowd
last night?
Packed. We had to
turn them away.
That's what I mean.
We got to expand
this fargin place.
Knock down that wall,
knock down that wall,
and knock down
that fargin wall.
Now I'm really angry!
This is fargin war!
You must be Tommy.
Uh...
Come in.
Johnny's
expecting you.
Follow me.
Hello, Tommy.
Oh!
Tommy, hey.
Have a seat there,
you little muskrat.
So, Tom...
what's this bull fertilizer
about you quitting law school?
I haven't got
the tits for it.
I mean, the heart.
Tommy, I want you
to pay attention.
I don't understand.
You're tops in your class.
You made the Law Review.
Why get married now?
Because if I don't
get laid, I'll die.
Laid! That's what
this thing's about?
I thought
it was something serious.
It is serious.
I've tried
going to bad girls,
but I'm
too clean-cut.
How do you get laid
in 1930?
Do you think
this is fun?
Do you think
this is a picnic?
This is a bad habit.
It's like drinking coffee.
If I could quit,
I would.
Come in here, Tom.
I want to talk to you.
This is the most
important reason...
why you should wait.
I want to show you something,
something I think
just might open your eyes.
**
Your testicles and you.
Take a good look.
These are
the unlucky ones.
These unfortunate souls
are suffering from E.S.S...
Enlarged scrotum syndrome.
For these poor devils,
it's too late.
But there is hope.
Here, at the Atlanta
Genital Institute,
doctors are at work
around the clock...
to cure this
dreaded affliction.
Hi. I'm Dr. Zillman,
and I'd like to talk to you
about your testes.
The human testicle
is not unlike a balloon.
Sometimes it is empty,
and sometimes...
it is full.
And sometimes,
it can explode.
This may help you understand.
Just remember
that your testicles,
when treated
with love and care,
will give you years
of maintenance-free service.
But if abused, well...
the inevitable conclusion.
So next time,
do the smart thing.
Don't let anything come between
your testicles and you.
Thank you.
Where are you going?
Back to law school.
**
Let's hear it
for the band.
Johnny, great to see you.
I got an announcement
to make.
When I die,
hopefully in my bed...
I want to go knowing
that the Jocko Dundee mob...
will continue
with the traditions,
with the high standards,
that made us
the New York Yankees of crime.
For that reason,
I'm naming
as my successor...
Johnny Dangerously.
I want you
to give a warm welcome...
to a shy,
retiring little lady...
who's come to us...
from a convent school
in Pittsburgh,
Lil Sheridan.
* Over my undies
trimmed in lace *
* I slip on
my black silk disgrace *
* Cut so low,
they'll raid the place *
* I wanna dress dangerously *
Yeah!
* I need to be reckless *
* I need to be daring *
* I need to take chances
and tempt my fate *
* I need to be foolish *
* Need to be crazy *
* Before it's too late
and I'm out of date *
* I'll feed you sizzling steak
and bootleg gin *
* And chocolate cake
till it's a sin *
* We'll work it off
and keep you thin *
* I wanna eat dangerously *
Woo!
* Sizzlin', Sss *
* Cheers *
* I wanna *
* Dangerously *
* I need to be reckless *
* I need to be daring *
* I need to take chances
and tempt my fate *
* I need to be foolish *
* Need to be crazy *
* Before it's too late
and I'm out of date *
* I'm just a slave
to my desire *
* And not afraid
to play with fire *
* I'll fan your flame
and get it higher *
* I wanna live dangerously *
* I wanna eat *
* Dangerously *
* I wanna love *
* Dangerously **
There's Johnny.
Oh, he's so cute!
You're holding up traffic.
I figure
that song you sang...
gave me
the green light.
You're off red,
but you're
still on amber.
I hope that light
changes soon...
because my motor's running.
Be careful
you don't overheat.
I'll tell you one thing.
What's that?
You sure can banter.
Then I decided
to leave Pittsburgh
and come here to Chicago.
Uh, Lil?
Yeah?
This ain't Chicago.
We're in New York.
You're kidding.
Well, New York,
Chicago...
to a girl on her own,
it's all the same.
I figured mom and dad...
didn't need me
around anymore,
not with
14 mouths to feed.
Your folks had 14 kids?
They ran a kennel.
What about your folks?
My mother
raised us herself.
I never knew
my father or uncle.
I kind of knew
my grandmother.
Didn't know
my grandfather.
Never knew
any of my cousins.
Any pets?
We had a dog.
He ran away
when I was a kid.
Never knew him.
Where the hell are we?
Johnny, I'm falling
in a big way.
You got company, kid.
Where will we land?
When we do,
will our hearts break?
There are answers
to these questions,
but first...
Sounds like
Johnny's getting laid.
Moronie was still
on the warpath.
Even getting to work
was an adventure.
Be careful.
There's not
a bullet out there
with my name on it.
I couldn't stand it
if something
happened to you.
Neither could I.
One hippopotamus,
two hippopotamus,
three hippopotamus.
Go!
Wait!
Get him.
Morning, Johnny.
How's your precious mother?
Hee hee!
Whew. You been
out there today?
Pretty rough?
Not as bad
as yesterday.
You'll feel better
if you have a cookie.
Thanks.
All fixed, Mr. Dundee.
Thanks, pal.
Who's that guy?
The plumber.
My bathroom drain
was stuck.
Where's all this
gangland warfare
getting us, anyway?
I want Moronie,
and I'm not
going to rest
until I get him.
Or until he gets you.
Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
Ow.
Relax, Johnny.
Relax.
Come on.
Heh heh heh!
A year from now,
we'll look back
on all this...
and we're gonna have
one big laugh.
Oh, boy.
I really
had to wee-wee.
That's funny.
This bathroom drain
was never stuck before.
Mr. Dundee!
Wait!
Have you got the number
of that other plumber?
Mr. Dundee...
Aah! Oh, my God!
Moronie, what have
you done to me?
Now look, calm down.
Why go on living?
Don't panic.
Calm down?
I have my dork
in my hand!
It's not your dork.
Look.
Thank God.
It's just
the chain handle.
Sure.
Freddy,
you're still here,
you little
baldheaded beauty.
I thought I lost you.
Johnny, this is
a sign from above.
You okay, boss?
Johnny,
I'm retiring before
it's too late.
You remember this?
Take it.
You're the boss now.
Oh, no.
I'm not ready
for the responsibility.
I'm ready.
Forget it, Vermin.
I was on top.
Moronie and I had a truce.
Lil and I
were going strong.
And Ma, between occasional
transplants and bypasses,
her health was improving.
I was on top
of the world.
Great story, pops.
So long.
Wait. I'm getting
to the sad part.
Everything else in my life
was going so well.
I was about to face
my greatest challenge.
Tommy, we're
so proud of you.
We sure are, kid.
I owe it all
to you, Johnny.
This calls
for a picture.
Wait. I'll get
me camera.
Hold this.
Where the hell
is that camera?
Tommy, I want you
to have something.
"Kimball, Pritchert,
and Williston?"
Biggest law firm
in the city.
Call them.
You'll find them
receptive.
Thanks, Johnny,
but I've already decided.
You'll be proud of me.
I'm joining
the District Attorney's office.
Johnny, I'm going to
dedicate my life...
to fighting crime.
Isn't that great?
My brother, who I put
through law school,
is gonna be fighting...
Crime.
Crime.
Mom, it's prohibition.
Stop acting like
a fag choir boy.
Here.
To me two
darling sons,
one a famous
nightclub owner,
the other
a crime fighter.
With a father
like Killer Kelly,
it's a miracle
neither of you...
became a piece-of-shit
criminal.
Maybe she was right.
I decided to go legit.
Then I got more bad news
about mom.
About your mom, John.
What is it?
How much?
A blocked salivary
gland... $7,500.
Go ahead.
It'll be good
seeing her spit again.
I returned to crime.
Since I had
the district attorney
on our payroll,
I wasn't worried
about Tommy.
I'm the new Assistant D.A.
I'm ready to join
the war against crime.
The boss in?
In there.
Hi. Tommy Kelly
reporting for work, sir.
Welcome to the team.
I'm proud to be on any team
whose adversary is crime.
That's just what
I wanted to hear.
That's why
we scout law schools
for young idealists.
But why not ease
into the job?
Take a little vacation.
A vacation?
But what about crime?
It'll be here
when you get back.
That's the trouble.
Crime will always be here...
unless something
is done about it.
But Tommy didn't go
on vacation.
He became
a tireless crime fighter.
He fought crime
in the newspapers.
He attacked it
on the radio.
He arrested
every criminal in town.
Then he turned his sights
on my enemy, Moronie.
That Roman Troy Moronie
is responsible for
the Mother's Day massacre,
the Christmas Day slaughter,
the Lincoln's Birthday
mutilation,
and the Groundhog's Day
beheadings.
My client wants to read
a prepared statement.
Go ahead.
I would like to direct this...
to the distinguished
members of the panel.
"You lousy corksuckers.
"You have violated
my fargin rights.
"This sum un om
botching country...
"was founded so
that the liberties...
"of common patriotic
citizens like me...
"could not be taken away...
"by a bunch
of fargin iceholes...
like yourselves."
Thank you very much.
What do you know about
Benny the Hump,
Roland Carpiti,
and Izzy the Nose
mean to you?
Don't mean a thing.
Recognize this?
No.
Your fingerprints
are on this gun,
which was used
to kill everyone...
in a building
at 110 East 40th Street.
Where do you
get that?
If a train left New York
at 300 miles per hour,
accelerated speed
15 miles per hour,
and traveled
a distance of 683 miles,
what time would that train
reach Chicago?
That's a fargin
silly question!
When, sir?
When would that train
reach Chicago?
This... this weed of crime
that threatens to grow
unchecked...
and choke off
this beautiful flower...
which is our free,
democratic society...
I never thought
this radio stunt
would catch on.
The public sees him
as a knight in shining armor.
This goes through armor,
through the victim,
through the wall,
through a tree outside...
Relax. Kelly has
nothing on us.
Maybe we should wait
till he does, huh?
We kill Kelly
and we'll have trouble.
If Jocko was in charge,
Kelly would have cement loafers.
I'm in charge,
not Jocko.
Got it?
Talk sense to the kid.
Get him to play ball.
We'll appeal to his
more practical side.
While you're at it,
buy yourself a second home.
Thanks, Johnny.
Sure.
This gang's getting soft.
By letting Kelly
take us apart,
we've become laughingstocks
of the underworld.
I'm embarrassed
to tell people what I do.
I say I'm a barber.
I told somebody
I was a male nurse.
I'm ashamed to admit
I'm a criminal.
We got to do something
about this.
You fellas
really disappoint me.
Look around.
What do you see?
I'll tell you what I see.
I see some guys
doing pretty good.
Manny, you got a sauna?
Yeah,
I got a sauna.
All right.
Ollie, don't you
send your mother...
to Norway every summer?
Yeah, Johnny.
Vito, how many hats
do you own?
Upwards around 180.
180 hats.
That's a lot of hats.
Yeah.
You never
told me that.
Tell me another gang
that's got a dental plan.
You know why
we're so successful?
Why, Johnny?
Because we're diversified.
Diversification,
yes, sir.
We're constantly exploring
new areas of crime.
We better because
there's Japanese gangs...
that will do it
faster and cheaper.
There's so much out there.
You can find
something you like.
I like
what I'm doing now.
I enjoy
giving whores work,
loan sharking,
planting bombs.
These are a few
of my favorite things.
Sick. Dumb-ass.
You missed, fuck face.
All right, Vermin.
You're not
getting that back
till you've matured.
Aren't we touchy,
Johnny?
Something going on
between you and Kelly?
Don't hang me on a hook.
My father hung me
on a hook once.
Once.
Come on, boys, I'm buying.
Now you're talking.
Hang in there, Vermin.
There's something fishy
with Johnny and that D.A.
I'm gonna find out
what it is.
I've got enough evidence
to put Johnny Dangerously
where he belongs.
We don't even know
such a man exists.
Until now.
Sir, I have got
conclusive evidence...
Notarized depositions,
tire prints, blood samples.
I've got
eyewitness accounts,
murder weapons,
fingerprints, recordings.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it, kid.
It's flimsy.
It's not enough.
It'll never hold up,
not in a court of law.
Let's put this aside.
We're here to socialize,
not talk shop.
Had enough
milk-fed veal, Tommy?
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Can we get back
to this damaging evidence
on Johnny Dangerously?
No.
Tonight,
I want to talk about...
Tommy Kelly
and his future.
You're engaged,
aren't you?
Yes, to a fine
and decent girl.
We plan to marry soon.
As soon as
you can afford it.
We'll manage.
Oh, I'm sure
you will.
But a little help
can't hurt.
Let me show you
something.
It's time to play ball!
Let's see what's in store
for Tommy Kelly...
if he plays ball.
In a hurry, Sally?
Use this time-saving
microflame oven.
Cook a turkey
in under a day.
In a rut, Tom?
Get away!
Take a trip around the world
on us, twice, aboard the...
S.S. Kelly.
And when you return,
move into your own
little love nest.
Plenty of extra
closet space.
Perfect for entertaining.
And on those chilly
winter nights,
Sally can wrap herself up
in this number.
And on those
hot summer nights,
Sally can wrap
herself up in ice.
It's all yours,
if you play ball.
What do you say?
I say I'll see you
behind bars.
What's up?
He didn't go for it.
What now?
I'll ask Johnny.
Johnny, what will you do
about Kelly?
"Kill him."
He says kill him.
I thought he'd feel that way,
so I've taken care of it.
**
* I'm a sentimental sap,
that's all *
* What's the use of trying
not to fall *
* I have no will,
you've made your kill *
* 'Cause you took
advantage of me *
* I'm just like an apple
on a bough *
* And you're going to
shake me down somehow *
* So what's the use
She cooked my goose *
* When she took
advantage of me **
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Aahhh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Which one's Tommy?
Got me.
Dr. Michael Hertzberg
to surgery.
This is him.
He's got
his father's eyes.
Give me a pen.
In case they move him.
Hey, Ma.
Is he going to...
I mean, will he...
Croak? No.
Dr. Kaplan says he's
going to be fine.
We Kellys are tough.
What happened?
His brakes failed
leaving the D.A.'s.
His brakes?
I smell a rat.
Get yourself a cab, Ma.
I got a little business
to attend to.
Dr. Hugo Carey, emergency.
This is very nice,
although unexpected.
Well, Winston,
you been on the take
from us all these years.
Just my way
of saying thanks.
That's real generous.
You know...
you've always
seemed to me...
to be more sensitive
than the rest.
We should spend
some time together,
say two weeks
in Puerto Rico.
It's a thought.
It's a thought.
I picked
something up for you.
John... John.
A smoking jacket.
Red.
My favorite color.
Oh.
Mmm! Tasty.
What is this
we're drinking?
Uh... read the label.
I got to make a call.
Malt liquor. Hmm.
Aah!
Yo!
My God.
My God, I can see.
I can see!
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Johnny, you're early.
That's all right,
isn't it?
You never missed before.
Is something wrong?
Oh, hi, Johnny.
Hi, Mrs. Capone.
Could I borrow
a cup of bullets?
We're a little low.
Al will be pissed.
Maybe Al's gonna
have to stay home tonight.
Gee.
You weren't
very nice to her.
Oh, no?
When's somebody
going to be nice
to Johnny Dangerously?
Look. My own brother's
out to get me.
That psycho Vermin's
out to get him.
The gang's getting antsy,
and the Crime Commission
is breathing down my neck.
I hope that's
for a small grownup.
Nah. Just
wishful thinking.
Ah, maybe someday, kid.
When, Johnny?
When are we going
to stop running
and start living?
With Sally and Tommy
getting hitched
tomorrow,
it got me thinking.
I got an
old-fashioned streak.
I want a normal life.
Johnny Dangerously
can't live a normal life.
It ain't in the cards.
People like me,
we're like shooting stars.
We cross the sky,
burning hot for one moment,
and then we plunge
to Earth, disappear.
Jesus Christ.
I'm starting to upset myself.
Johnny, it doesn't
have to be that way.
We can change.
I don't know, Lil.
Dare we dream?
Yeah.
Hanging curtains,
ironing shirts.
Yeah.
Car pools, PTA.
Sharing
a casserole recipe.
Putting up shelf paper.
Johnny,
I love shelf paper.
A little house,
white picket fence.
Kids and dogs
in the yard.
Saying hi to
a neighbor named Fred.
Maybe there is a rainbow
for us out there.
Sure, me and Lil had dreams.
But when you're in crime, kid,
dreams don't always come true.
Follow him.
Park it
in this slot here.
It's for
the handicapped.
I am handicapped.
I'm psychotic.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You're like
a daughter to me.
I want to share
something with you.
What's that?
I go both ways.
Oh.
I'm glad we waited.
Yes.
I can't wait anymore.
Okay, where?
Some place real close.
Tommy's excited,
but does he know
about foreplay?
He'll figure it out.
When will you follow
your brother's example,
Johnny Kelly?
Brothers.
Ha ha ha!
I knew
there was something.
Oh, leave your face
right there.
How do you like that?
Johnny Dangerously
is Tommy Kelly's brother.
What?
Dangerously
is the D.A.'s brother.
Ha ha ha!
That's it?
You little shit!
* Say hello to Jesus *
* Take Mr. Jesus
by the hand **
Hallelujah!
We were waiting
in the car.
I wondered what happened
to my brother.
I'm Johnny Kelly's brother,
not Johnny Dangerously's.
Just a matter of time,
wasn't it, kid?
Listen.
Just don't tell Ma.
When I put you
behind bars,
your picture will be
in every newspaper
in this country!
Why, Johnny? Why?
Maybe it's because
that dealer in the sky
shuffles the cards...
and we just play
what we're dealt.
It's against the law
to gamble!
Christ.
I took an oath
to fight crime.
I can't go against
my brother.
We'll settle this
with our fists.
Whoa! Wait a minute!
You can't fight me.
I'm too good.
I'll take my chances.
Okay.
I win, you quit.
You win, I quit.
All right.
Johnny, take a dive.
Oh!
I didn't know
you packed such a wallop.
All right, Tom, you win.
I'm going legit.
Gee, thanks, Johnny.
Hey!
All right!
This time,
I really was going legit.
All I had to do
was make the gang understand.
Who did that?
Aw, sorry.
Did I get you?
You ruined the jacket.
Aw!
See?
When will we tell
the boys about Johnny?
As soon as he gets here.
I wanna see the look
on his face.
You're not doing
yourself any good.
And for you kids out there
who are thinking about smoking,
don't start.
And if you started, stop.
Smoking don't
make you look tough.
It makes you look stupid.
Put chewing gum
in your mouth instead.
That's what Johnny does.
Smoking is the worst thing
you can do to your body.
Huh uh ya!
See?
Hey, Johnny,
let's have it.
I'll be late
for target practice.
There's an opera
letting out.
All right.
- Johnny Dangerously's
going legit.
- Le what?
Legit.
Le why?
Because Johnny Dangerously
is Johnny Kelly,
D.A. Tommy Kelly's brother.
Johnny,
is this true?
I don't know
how to react.
Yeah, kid, it is true.
Tommy Kelly
is my brother.
I'm proud of him.
Sure. You worked
with him,
helping him
in his career.
Now that he's on top,
you're running out
on us.
You don't care
about crime.
That's right.
I don't care about crime?
I've been devoted
to crime since I was 12.
I think we ought to
enjoy what we got.
We got plenty.
I'm closing
this store for good.
Well, I'm reopening it
under new management.
Oh, no, you're not.
You don't have the keys,
and I do.
I'm giving them
to the crime commissioner.
And us with them, huh?
I knew it.
He's turning squealer.
You know,
I'm bored
with slapping you around.
Bores me.
Don't worry, fellas.
You guys are in the clear.
It's me they're after.
Dirty Jew,
shanty nigger,
white trash bastard!
Go ahead!
Walk all over
the little beggar!
Commissioner,
there's the evidence
against me, just like
I promised.
Use it.
I'm ready to pay my debt.
Hey,
how about a thank you?
Hey, how about me
getting out of here?
Hey, how about me
getting knocked out?
Hey, Johnny,
I'd love to stick around,
see how this turns out,
but I got
a store to open.
Ha ha ha!
You lousy Wop,
Slovak, Chink, Jap,
Polack, Kraut, fags!
Hiya, doll.
What's your name?
Mary Margaret
Katherine Danine.
How'd you like to
make some money?
One at a time
or together?
How much to clean 708
and forget you saw us?
$17,000.
All right,
17 grand it is.
Forget we ever
gave you this money.
What money?
That-a girl.
Johnny!
Johnny!
One at a time, boys.
Did you do it?
You know better
than to ask that.
Explain the gun.
I been framed
like the Mona Lisa.
Why were you seeing
the commissioner?
I was going legit.
Le what?
Legit.
As in legitimate.
Oh.
Oh.
How about a picture?
Sure.
It's the first picture
of Johnny Dangerously,
so make it a good one.
Great.
Thanks.
All right.
Thank you.
Empty your pockets,
Johnny.
Wait a minute.
I can't find
my cigarette case.
Maybe it's
in another suit.
I don't think...
Your car.
No.
Maybe it's on the sink.
No. It's my
good luck piece.
Whoever has it
bumped off the commissioner.
Excuse me.
Johnny, I brought
your bail money.
I hate to disappoint you.
Johnny's being held
without bail.
By whose orders?
The man who's prosecuting...
The D.A. himself.
This is what you
call going legit?
I swear,
I been set up.
Find the cigarette case,
you'll find the murderer.
There are a million
cigarette cases.
Only one has a bullet dent
and smells like gum.
Don't say anything
until you get a lawyer.
I can handle
my own brother.
You and he...
Me and him's brothers.
We were brothers.
Brothers!
Hey, wait, I'll go!
Get out of my way!
Yo!
Is that
the city edition?
What?
I said, is that
the city edition?
Oh, no.
Son of a bitch.
Now I'm deaf!
He's guilty.
He's guilty.
Guilty.
Aah!
Mrs. Kelly.
Get me
from me best side.
Got anything to say?
I got mixed feelings...
Thrilled for Tommy,
sad for Johnny.
Mr. Kelly.
No comment.
This is
the toughest thing
I've ever done.
Nice work, Mr. D.A.
My name is Danny Vermin.
I was associated
with your brother.
Thank you for sending him
to the hot seat.
Ha ha ha!
Watch.
Johnny taught me this.
Aah!
You shouldn't kick me
in the balls.
My sister kicked me
in the balls once.
Look, Mom.
It's Johnny's
cigarette case.
The one he was
talking about.
Give me that.
It's my brother's
cigarette case.
Johnny didn't do it.
I'll get you, Vermin,
if it's
the last thing I do.
It just might be, Mr. D.A.
Johnny ain't guilty,
and you sent him
to the big house.
Johnny, it's an honor
to have you on death row.
Don't be silly.
The pleasure's all mine.
Hi, Pop.
Still here, huh?
You bet.
Tough break.
John.
How the hell are you?
You're beautiful,
Johnny.
Why don't you
get the boys some quiche?
There you go.
Es spiritus sanctum.
Johnny,
this is one of our
best guards, Tony.
Hiya, Tony.
How are you?
You took a shot
at me once.
I never forget a gun.
Are we going to
do this or what?
There's nothing left. Look.
Finest metal.
I keep telling you, Howard,
the boy needs a role model.
Rocky, I'm so horny.
Oh, Johnny, Vermin's turning
the place into a dive.
And Johnny...
Don't tell me.
He put in a salad bar.
He's making
a play for me.
Wait a minute.
That's just what we want.
I got to prove
he framed me.
Lil, play up to him.
But, Johnny...
No "buts."
Keep your eyes and ears open.
The first thing you hear,
get it to me
on the grapevine.
Got it.
That-a girl.
Come here.
Next time,
I'll bring a can opener.
Good idea.
Come here.
Yo!
I can hear again
and I can see.
I can hear again
and I can see!
But who am I?
Tommy,
please eat something.
I not gonna eat until
I've saved my brother.
Keep up
the good work,
Governor Kelly.
So it's governor?
Just cheap talk, Mom.
Anybody that would
send his brother to
the hot seat gets my vote.
Mom! I'm trying to prove
Johnny's innocence.
If I leave
things to you,
Johnny will fry
like his father.
Your old mom just
might have something
for you tonight.
Who is it?
Open up.
It's Ma Kelly.
What do you want?
I gotta talk to you.
We have nothing to
say to each other.
We got a lot to say.
We got a lot in common.
We both scrub floors,
we're both swell lookers,
and we're not Chinese.
You been doing
your homework.
What do you want?
- How much do you want
to tell the truth?
- $19,500.
Boy, am I having
a good year!
What's the matter,
you got no manners?
Send me a bill for the door.
You don't even wait
for the body to get cold.
I go where
the action is.
Where's your mom?
You send her
up the river too?
What do you want,
Mr. D.A.?
And make it quick, huh?
I have a subpoena
for you.
What for? You ain't
got a thing on me.
Does the name
Mary Margaret Katherine Danine
strike a familiar chord?
I'm tone deaf.
Too bad.
She's singing
like a canary.
We got her
in her own cage.
I'm going to enjoy
sending you to the chair.
Come on, boys.
I don't like
the smell here.
That cleaning dame
will spill her guts.
We can't get to her.
But we can get to him.
How, boss?
Don't you listen
to the radio?
The governor
and D.A. Tommy Kelly...
will attend the premiere
of the new James Cagney movie
tomorrow night.
Should be clear skies
as the governor
and D.A. Tommy Kelly...
attend the new
James Cagney movie.
Which theater?
The Savoy, on 37th.
It will be like
shooting ducks in a pond.
Once we knock the D.A. off,
that cleaning dame
will clam up just fine.
Get this to Johnny
on the grapevine.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's brother...
at the Savoy Theater
tomorrow night.
Got it?
Got it.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's brother
at the Savoy Theater.
Pass it on.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's brother.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's mother.
Vermin's mother
is going to kill Johnny.
Urgent message
through the grapevine.
Yeah? What is it?
Johnny and the mothers
are playin' "Stompin"
at the Savoy in Vermont.
Vermin's going to kill
my brother at the Savoy?
I didn't say that.
I know this grapevine.
I got to get out of here.
Guard!
Come here.
Yeah?
Smell that food.
I think it's rotten.
What's all this
about, Johnny?
I can't take it, Warden!
Send me to
the chair tonight!
The waiting's
driving me crazy!
You still got two weeks.
I don't want them!
Fry me tonight!
Anything for you.
We'll bump Steinberg.
Dangerously will go
to the chair tonight.
Everyone who is anyone
is here tonight,
including Mr. Crimefighter,
District Attorney Tommy Kelly.
They're talking about you
as our next governor.
That's very nice,
but all I'm concerned about...
is proving
my brother's innocence.
Johnny, if you're
listening, I love you.
Your turn, Johnny.
The priest you requested
has arrived.
Are you ready, my son?
I'm ready
if you are, Father.
Dominus obiscum, Nabisco.
Espiritus sanctum.
They gustovus...
So long, Johnny.
Me gustovus,
you gustovus.
We miss the bus,
they miss the bus.
Be brave, Johnny.
When's the next bus?
Sum cum laude,
magnum cum laude,
the radio's still laude.
Good luck, Johnny.
Semper fidelus,
high fidelus.
Why didn't I take shop?
Post meridian,
antimeridian, Uncle Meridian,
all the little meridians.
Good-bye, Johnny.
Good-bye, Rock.
The Magna Carta,
Master Charga...
Spit in his eye,
Johnny.
Dumpro kelus,
lots of Vitalis.
You bet, Rabbi.
Do you have
any last words, Johnny?
Well said.
Okay, Warden.
This is where
we say good-bye.
You weren't really
going to kill me, were you?
What, with this?
Calling all cars.
Johnny Dangerously
has just escaped
from state prison.
Could I have a popcorn,
a Milk Duds,
and a white fish?
When we going to
give it to him?
Just when Cagney
gets his in the movie,
a few minutes from now.
Calling all cars.
Calling all cars.
Be on the lookout
for Johnny Dangerously...
and two accomplices
in a black sedan.
I repeat,
in a black sedan.
Black sedan, huh?
We'll see about that.
I hope this works.
It always does
at home.
Come on, shelf paper.
Step back
or they'll plug me.
Get out of
the way, boss.
No!
Calling all cars.
Calling all cars.
Johnny Dangerously
now driving a white sedan,
disguised
as a trout Fisherman.
Johnny,
we've been spotted.
Peel the next layer.
Someday that will be
in Johnny Junior's room.
Sure, sure.
There he goes.
Get him!
Don't let him get away.
He knows too much.
Calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for...
Now, listen to this.
Dangerously and accomplices,
dressed as nuns,
driving a sedan covered with...
oh, you'll love this...
duckies and bunnies.
Calling all cars,
calling all cars.
Come to Dooley's bar.
I'm buying.
There's something
you don't see every day.
Everybody stay
where you are.
Alan, keep down.
You might as well
come down, Pembroke.
There's no one left
but you.
Ah, shit.
Aah!
Johnny, are you okay?
Sure, kid.
You didn't get hit,
did you?
I don't think so.
Boy, does that
come in handy!
You would have taken
the bullet for me.
I was counting on
a lot of missing.
Johnny!
Oh!
We'll have to take you
back to the big house.
I have a witness
that will clear Johnny.
That's your man!
Officer,
release this man.
I'm granting him
a full pardon.
Oh, Johnny.
Hey, thanks, Gov.
You shouldn't
shoot me, Johnny.
My grandmother
shot me once.
Johnny, darling,
you must be exhausted.
Breaking out of prison,
racing here
to save your brother.
You've had a full day.
Funny, Ma,
I'm not even tired.
Must have been that nap
after lunch.
Oh, I'll have
some stories...
to tell my
grandchildren...
If I have any.
Lil, let's start
a little gang of our own.
That okay?
Oh, Johnny, I like it.
Kid, I'll make you
love it.
So that's my story.
I hope
you learned something.
I sure did.
Wow! The electric chair.
I'm going straight.
You better see that you do,
or I'm coming after you.
Get out of here.
Wait. Aren't you
forgetting something?
There you go.
Thanks, Mr. Kelly.
Hey, kid.
Don't forget.
Crime doesn't pay.
Right.
Johnny.
Well, it paid a little.
* We're all alone *
* No chaperone
can get our number *
* The world's in slumber *
* Let's misbehave *
* There's something wild
about you, child *
* That's so contagious *
* Let's be outrageous *
* Let's misbehave *
* When Adam won eve's hand *
* He wouldn't stand
for teasin' *
* He didn't care about *
* Those apples out of season *
* They say the spring
means just one thing *
* To little lovebirds *
* We're not above birds *
* Let's misbehave *
* It's getting late,
and while I wait *
* My poor heart aches on *
* Why keep the brakes on *
* Let's misbehave *
* I feel quite sure
a good amour *
* Would be attractive *
* While we're still active *
* Let's misbehave *
* You know my heart is true *
* When you say
you for me care *
* Somebody's sure to tell *
* But what the heck
do we care *
* They say that bears
have love affairs *
* And even camels *
* We're merely mammals *
* Let's misbehave *
* If you'd be oh, so sweet *
* And only heed
your fate, dear *
* Would be the great event
of 1928, dear *
* They say the spring
means just one thing *
* To little lovebirds *
* We're not above birds *
* Let's misbehave **
**
* I eat filet mignons
seven times a day *
* My bathtub's filled
with Perrier *
* What can I say
This is the life *
* I buy a dozen cars
when I'm in the mood *
* I hire somebody
to chew my food *
* I'm an upwardly mobile dude
This is the life *
* They say that
money corrupts you *
* But I can't really tell *
* I got the whole world
at my feet *
* And I think
it's pretty swell *
* I got women lined up
outside my door *
* They've been waitin' there
since a week before *
* Who could ask for more
This is the life *
* Whaa da whaa da *
* You're dead
for a real long time *
* You just can't prevent it *
* So if money
can't buy happiness *
* I guess
I'll have to rent it *
* Yeah, every day
I make the front page news *
* No time to pay my dues *
* I got a million pairs of shoes
This is the life *
* That's right, I'm the king
Number one *
* I buy monogrammed Kleenex
by the ton *
* I pay the bills
I call the shots *
* I grease the palms
I buy the yachts *
* One thing I can guarantee *
* The best things in life
they sure ain't free *
* It's such a thrill
just to be me *
* This is the life *
* Ahh *
* This is the life **
Anybody hungry?
Didn't think so.
Just kidding.
Okay, fellas, food time.
Bert. Liver, no onions.
Here you go, Bertie.
There you go.
And for dessert,
there you go.
Connie, Mack, you kids wanted
the tuna, hold the Mayo.
Lovely choice.
I'm not crazy about
you two living together.
Marvin, you ordered
the flounder.
I didn't like
the way it looked,
so I prepared
something special.
I think you're
gonna like this.
And maybe not.
Okay, here we go.
- Polly, get that.
- All right.
Kelly's pet shop.
Polly speaking.
It's your mother, Johnny.
- Tell her to hold,
would ya?
- Hang on.
Thanks, pal.
Hiya, Ma.
Uh-huh.
I was just feeding
the animals.
It's probably
just the weather.
I wouldn't
worry about it.
It will probably
get better tomorrow.
If you wouldn't drink
so much, the whole thing
would clear up.
I'll see you later.
All right, come here.
Hand it over.
What was that noise?
It was this
little gadget here.
Prevents stealing.
Stops guys like you.
Go ahead. Call the cops.
Let's get this over with.
Ah, pretty tough, huh?
Tough enough.
Yeah?
You like stealing?
Beats paying for it.
You think stealing
makes you a big man?
Bigger than you...
wearing an apron,
feeding monkeys.
Ha ha ha.
Sit down.
I'll tell you where
stealing gets you.
Wake me when
you're through.
I started out just like you.
Must have been 25 years ago.
What's going on?
Don't worry. It'll end
in a couple of minutes.
It always does this
when I talk about the past.
Anyway, it was 1910.
Times were good in America.
There was plenty of everything...
Jobs, security, laughs.
America was in great shape,
except for
President William Taft.
Was he a porker.
He weighed as much
as Teddy Roosevelt and
half of William McKinley.
Immigrants came
from all over the world,
looking for a better life.
And over 97% of them...
settled in a two-block area
of New York City.
There used to be a law called
the McCoy Act of 1909.
It said immigrants
wanting citizenship...
had to stay
out of their apartments
at least four hours a day...
and walk the streets
with hats on.
Most immigrants
didn't find the streets
paved with gold.
Instead,
they found hard times.
Nobody had it tougher
than my mom, Mom Kelly.
She was kind and sweet.
She had a colorful way
of putting things.
The Lower East Side...
This really sucks.
- I was just starting out
in business.
- Hey, kid, you got a paper?
Hiya, Mom.
Hiya, Johnny.
Your pancreas
feeling better?
Don't worry about me.
Just keep yourself warm.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, God!
It's the worst July
in years.
Go on upstairs.
After I sell these,
we'll celebrate your birthday.
Ahh.
You're my darling boy.
Hey, kid, paper here.
Yeah.
All right. Tribune.
Get your Tribune.
Get your Tribune.
Aah!
A lousy penny.
Get your Tribune.
This is my corner.
Danny Vermin don't move
for nobody, Kelly.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
It's okay, Officer.
I can handle this myself.
Stop the car.
I want to see this.
Yes, sir, Mr. Dundee.
Ha ha ha ha!
And no hard feelings.
You ain't seen
the last of Danny Vermin.
Hey, kid, come here.
I like the way
you handle yourself.
Thanks, mister.
Do you know
who this man is?
I give up.
How'd you like
to make $50?
Do I have to
break the law?
If I broke the law,
it would be like breaking
my mother's heart.
Okay, kid.
But if you
change your mind,
I'll be
at the Club 25.
Dr. Magnus.
How's my mother?
It's her pancreas again.
She'll need an operation
immediately.
How much
will it cost?
$49.95. This week only.
Where can I get
that much money?
Knock over
a gas station.
Hiya, Tommy.
Hi, Johnny.
Hiya, Mom.
You're a sucker
for a left.
Take a break.
I can't.
I'm a year behind on
Mr. Stevenson's shirts.
There's a new law
against washing
on your birthday.
Gosh, Johnny, I really
don't think that's a law.
You won't find it in
your law books because
I just made it up.
Look. He colored
Oliver Wendell Holmes purple.
Isn't that something?
Only 6 years old.
Your poor father
would have been proud.
He wanted you
to be a lawyer.
He could have used one.
You'll make something
of yourself, Tommy.
I'll see that you do.
No mother
was ever blessed
with two finer sons.
Happy birthday, Mom.
Bless the saints!
An ashtray!
I been thinking of
taking up smoking.
How does it feel
to be 29?
I only hope
I reach 30.
Are you all right, Mom?
I'll be fine.
Go back to work.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be all right.
She needs
an operation.
If I broke the law,
I'd break my mother's heart.
$49.95.
You want to make $50?
I just hope
I reach 30.
I'll be
at the Club 25.
Sorry, Mom.
It's the only way.
No more nodding!
Place your bets, please.
Dundee's gang is here.
What's that
bastige want, huh?
How's tricks, Moronie?
What are you
doing here, icehole?
Can't a fellow enjoy
a night out gambling?
Don't bullshty me.
Search him.
We're clean.
I don't bear no grudges,
even though you've
been muscling in
on my territory.
Why, Moronie?
It's a free country,
icehole.
They're clean, boss.
You and the rest of
your bastiges can gamble,
but don't try
no fargin trick.
Otherwise, you'll wind up
with your bells in a sling.
What a mouth
on that guy!
Place your bets, please.
Place your bets.
Hey, kid.
Paper, mister?
Here you go.
Here you are, sir.
Thanks, kid.
Nobody move,
and nobody will get hurt.
All we want
is Moronie's money.
Go ahead, kid.
You fargin sneaky bastige!
I going to take your dwork!
I going to
nail it to the wall!
I going to crush your boils
in a meat grinder!
I cut off your arms!
I shove them
up your icehole!
Dirty sum un a batch!
My own club!
Mr. Dundee, watch out!
Lock the fargin door!
We got Dundee!
Get that lousy kid!
Oh!
Get that kid!
It's only a fargin kid!
Get him!
Give me a gun!
Give me a gun!
Next shooter.
Kid's like a monkey.
Get him!
It's a fargin kid!
Get him!
Hell of
an anniversary, Lou.
I don't believe you guys!
Get him or you all fired!
No, no, no!
Permesso.
Say your prayers,
icehole.
Oh!
Hold it.
Why, you miserable
corksucker!
I gonna
get you for this.
Roman Moronie never forget
a fargin face, kid.
I'll get you.
You okay, boss?
Yeah. Thanks
to this kid and this.
Thanks a lot, kid.
From now on,
you're my boy.
Yeah, kid, you really
live dangerously.
By the way,
what's your name?
Johnny.
Johnny...
Johnny Dangerously.
I should've
never picked that name.
A name like that
you got to live up to.
Act tough.
Put up a front.
I got into a lot of fights.
What's your last name?
Binderhoff.
Don't ever
change that name.
You'll stay
out of trouble.
Anyway, Mom got better.
I didn't do any more jobs
for the Dundee gang.
I grew up your average,
poverty-stricken teenager,
thinking about girls,
my hair, girls.
I've never seen
anyone dance like that.
Hi, Dr. Magnus.
How's my mother?
It's her thyroid, Johnny.
What's wrong?
We can't find it.
We're gonna have to do
a thyroid search.
How much is that?
You're in luck.
This week, a special... $999.
$999?
Talk about bad luck.
There was only one place
I could get that much money.
So I joined
the Jocko Dundee mob
full-time.
Jocko was still at war
with Roman Moronie.
The years didn't soften Moronie.
He continued to murder
the English language...
and anyone who got in his way.
Moronie had rules for his gang.
First, never park
in his private space.
The Dundee gang was more fun.
We did illegal things,
but we never
bothered the public.
Every Christmas, Jocko returned
some cash to the community.
Every chance I got,
I returned
to the old neighborhood.
They looked up to me there
like I was a folk hero.
"I love Johnny" T-shirts.
I love Johnny!
Johnny, can I follow
in your footsteps?
Sure, kid. Here.
It's burning a hole
in my pocket.
Look, Rosie,
it's Johnny Dangerously.
Mrs. Zimmer,
everybody, over here.
What did I tell you
neighborhood people?
Around here,
you're Johnny Kelly,
a law-abiding
nightclub owner,
not the notorious gangster,
Johnny Dangerously.
Sure, and I'm the pope.
Hey, Pope.
How'd you know?
Johnny, everybody knows
except your mother
and your brother.
And as far
as we're concerned,
nobody will say nothing.
Thanks, Your Holiness.
Build yourself a new gym
at the Vatican.
Ho ho ho ho!
Oh!
Ah, bless you, Johnny.
Johnny!
Hiya, Ma.
How's my best girl?
Watch that left, Ma.
I love him,
but someday I'm going to
knock him on his ass.
What you cooking, Ma?
Beer.
With noodles.
Great idea.
So, Ma, what's new?
Me arthritis,
that's new.
One of the muscles
in me calf is shriveling up.
Also, I'm losing sensation
on the left side of me face,
which I think is the beginning
of a neurological disorder.
The rest of me
is in the pink.
You got to take
better care of yourself.
I don't want you doing
other people's laundry.
What are you sayin',
give up me career?
Maybe you ought to retire.
Enjoy the golden years, Ma.
Not do this.
Son, I couldn't
consider retiring,
not so long as I can
still give good laundry.
Where's Tommy?
Don't be talking to me
about Tommy.
Why not?
Because I'm leaving
law school.
If this is some joke,
I ain't laughing.
I'm dropping out of law school
so Sally and I can be married.
You can't change my mind.
Do you want this, Sally?
I want whatever
Tommy wants.
He makes
the decisions.
Sally's place
is in the home.
I intend to support her.
I'll do anything...
shine boots, drive a hack,
blow glass, anything.
Johnny,
talk sense to him.
Can't you see
you're breaking
your mother's heart?
Why, Tommy?
I can't say it
in front of mom.
Okay. I got some business
to take care of.
You meet me at my place...
Oh, 10:00, all right?
All right.
You little muskrat.
I'll see you, Sally.
Good-bye.
Ma, don't worry.
I'll straighten
everything out.
Hey, Ma, what's this
in your ear?
$100?
What can't you say
in front of mom?
Nothing, Mom.
I know what you can't say.
You want to get laid.
Mom!
You want to hump
your brains out.
Ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Morning, Pat.
Morning, Johnny.
How's your dear mother?
Much better.
Thanks for asking.
She's such
a wonderful woman.
Yes, she is.
She's got
the smile of an angel.
* I love all the many charms
about you *
* Above all,
I want my arms about you *
* Don't be a naughty baby *
* Come to mama, do *
* My sweet embraceable *
* You **
Oh, Johnny!
Johnny's here!
Johnny!
Johnny, want to be
my first?
It's my turn.
I'm not wearing a bra.
That makes two of us.
I'm a real blonde.
Check it out Thursday.
How do you do it?
Mutual respect.
Hey, who's
the nightingale?
Some dame.
She flew in
from Pittsburgh.
Say, kid.
What do they call you?
Impressive.
Her name
is Lil Sheridan.
Thanks.
Lil Sheridan, huh?
My name's Dangerously,
Johnny Dangerously.
Do you know your
last name's an adverb?
Hey, I like that.
You got spirit,
spunk, fire, verve.
You got those.
I like those on a woman.
Gee. My heart's
all a-flutter.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you
take my card?
Enjoying yourself?
You call me tomorrow.
Don't be upset
when you don't hear
the phone ringing.
Suit yourself.
I hope this is
helping your morale.
That's the first time...
I had to
take that card back.
I kind of like it.
I'll be seeing you.
Does the word "smitten"
mean anything to anybody?
Hey, Johnny.
Hiya, Johnny.
Hiya, Vito.
Better cut down
on that pasta, pal.
I'm starting
the Cambridge diet
on Monday.
Why are you so happy?
I just met an angel.
An absolute angel.
You met Lil, huh?
Sure did, Mr. Dundee.
You see this card?
This card
has been to paradise.
Johnny's in love.
You remind me of
me and the wife
20 years ago.
Of course, Mae never
looked like Lil.
Now she
looks like him.
But what am I,
a beauty?
Dames are put on
this Earth to weaken us,
drain our energy,
laugh at us
when they see us naked.
Johnny, meet two new
members of the gang,
Danny Vermin
and Dutch.
Hello, Johnny.
Hiya, Danny.
Danny and I
used to fight.
What happened to you?
I fulfilled
a lot of predictions.
I've become a scumbag.
Good, Danny.
Many people
never realize what
they want to be.
Delivery
for Jocko Dundee.
There's
some postage due,
but I'll
take care of it.
No problem.
What's this?
He sent a robot.
"Dear bastiges,
I hope I got some of you.
"If not, I'll get you
when I take over the Club 25.
Love and kisses,
Roman Moronie."
We got to stop him.
I got something
to stop him.
They made it
for him special.
It's an .88 magnum.
It shoots
through schools.
Vermin, you got too much
sugar in your diet.
Put the gun away.
Maybe I will
and maybe I won't.
Stash the rod, Danny.
You shouldn't
grab me, Johnny.
My mother
grabbed me once.
Once.
What will you do, Johnny?
I'll think of something.
Something clever.
Something unexpected.
Something subtle.
This club
is too fargin small.
How big was the crowd
last night?
Packed. We had to
turn them away.
That's what I mean.
We got to expand
this fargin place.
Knock down that wall,
knock down that wall,
and knock down
that fargin wall.
Now I'm really angry!
This is fargin war!
You must be Tommy.
Uh...
Come in.
Johnny's
expecting you.
Follow me.
Hello, Tommy.
Oh!
Tommy, hey.
Have a seat there,
you little muskrat.
So, Tom...
what's this bull fertilizer
about you quitting law school?
I haven't got
the tits for it.
I mean, the heart.
Tommy, I want you
to pay attention.
I don't understand.
You're tops in your class.
You made the Law Review.
Why get married now?
Because if I don't
get laid, I'll die.
Laid! That's what
this thing's about?
I thought
it was something serious.
It is serious.
I've tried
going to bad girls,
but I'm
too clean-cut.
How do you get laid
in 1930?
Do you think
this is fun?
Do you think
this is a picnic?
This is a bad habit.
It's like drinking coffee.
If I could quit,
I would.
Come in here, Tom.
I want to talk to you.
This is the most
important reason...
why you should wait.
I want to show you something,
something I think
just might open your eyes.
**
Your testicles and you.
Take a good look.
These are
the unlucky ones.
These unfortunate souls
are suffering from E.S.S...
Enlarged scrotum syndrome.
For these poor devils,
it's too late.
But there is hope.
Here, at the Atlanta
Genital Institute,
doctors are at work
around the clock...
to cure this
dreaded affliction.
Hi. I'm Dr. Zillman,
and I'd like to talk to you
about your testes.
The human testicle
is not unlike a balloon.
Sometimes it is empty,
and sometimes...
it is full.
And sometimes,
it can explode.
This may help you understand.
Just remember
that your testicles,
when treated
with love and care,
will give you years
of maintenance-free service.
But if abused, well...
the inevitable conclusion.
So next time,
do the smart thing.
Don't let anything come between
your testicles and you.
Thank you.
Where are you going?
Back to law school.
**
Let's hear it
for the band.
Johnny, great to see you.
I got an announcement
to make.
When I die,
hopefully in my bed...
I want to go knowing
that the Jocko Dundee mob...
will continue
with the traditions,
with the high standards,
that made us
the New York Yankees of crime.
For that reason,
I'm naming
as my successor...
Johnny Dangerously.
I want you
to give a warm welcome...
to a shy,
retiring little lady...
who's come to us...
from a convent school
in Pittsburgh,
Lil Sheridan.
* Over my undies
trimmed in lace *
* I slip on
my black silk disgrace *
* Cut so low,
they'll raid the place *
* I wanna dress dangerously *
Yeah!
* I need to be reckless *
* I need to be daring *
* I need to take chances
and tempt my fate *
* I need to be foolish *
* Need to be crazy *
* Before it's too late
and I'm out of date *
* I'll feed you sizzling steak
and bootleg gin *
* And chocolate cake
till it's a sin *
* We'll work it off
and keep you thin *
* I wanna eat dangerously *
Woo!
* Sizzlin', Sss *
* Cheers *
* I wanna *
* Dangerously *
* I need to be reckless *
* I need to be daring *
* I need to take chances
and tempt my fate *
* I need to be foolish *
* Need to be crazy *
* Before it's too late
and I'm out of date *
* I'm just a slave
to my desire *
* And not afraid
to play with fire *
* I'll fan your flame
and get it higher *
* I wanna live dangerously *
* I wanna eat *
* Dangerously *
* I wanna love *
* Dangerously **
There's Johnny.
Oh, he's so cute!
You're holding up traffic.
I figure
that song you sang...
gave me
the green light.
You're off red,
but you're
still on amber.
I hope that light
changes soon...
because my motor's running.
Be careful
you don't overheat.
I'll tell you one thing.
What's that?
You sure can banter.
Then I decided
to leave Pittsburgh
and come here to Chicago.
Uh, Lil?
Yeah?
This ain't Chicago.
We're in New York.
You're kidding.
Well, New York,
Chicago...
to a girl on her own,
it's all the same.
I figured mom and dad...
didn't need me
around anymore,
not with
14 mouths to feed.
Your folks had 14 kids?
They ran a kennel.
What about your folks?
My mother
raised us herself.
I never knew
my father or uncle.
I kind of knew
my grandmother.
Didn't know
my grandfather.
Never knew
any of my cousins.
Any pets?
We had a dog.
He ran away
when I was a kid.
Never knew him.
Where the hell are we?
Johnny, I'm falling
in a big way.
You got company, kid.
Where will we land?
When we do,
will our hearts break?
There are answers
to these questions,
but first...
Sounds like
Johnny's getting laid.
Moronie was still
on the warpath.
Even getting to work
was an adventure.
Be careful.
There's not
a bullet out there
with my name on it.
I couldn't stand it
if something
happened to you.
Neither could I.
One hippopotamus,
two hippopotamus,
three hippopotamus.
Go!
Wait!
Get him.
Morning, Johnny.
How's your precious mother?
Hee hee!
Whew. You been
out there today?
Pretty rough?
Not as bad
as yesterday.
You'll feel better
if you have a cookie.
Thanks.
All fixed, Mr. Dundee.
Thanks, pal.
Who's that guy?
The plumber.
My bathroom drain
was stuck.
Where's all this
gangland warfare
getting us, anyway?
I want Moronie,
and I'm not
going to rest
until I get him.
Or until he gets you.
Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
Ow.
Relax, Johnny.
Relax.
Come on.
Heh heh heh!
A year from now,
we'll look back
on all this...
and we're gonna have
one big laugh.
Oh, boy.
I really
had to wee-wee.
That's funny.
This bathroom drain
was never stuck before.
Mr. Dundee!
Wait!
Have you got the number
of that other plumber?
Mr. Dundee...
Aah! Oh, my God!
Moronie, what have
you done to me?
Now look, calm down.
Why go on living?
Don't panic.
Calm down?
I have my dork
in my hand!
It's not your dork.
Look.
Thank God.
It's just
the chain handle.
Sure.
Freddy,
you're still here,
you little
baldheaded beauty.
I thought I lost you.
Johnny, this is
a sign from above.
You okay, boss?
Johnny,
I'm retiring before
it's too late.
You remember this?
Take it.
You're the boss now.
Oh, no.
I'm not ready
for the responsibility.
I'm ready.
Forget it, Vermin.
I was on top.
Moronie and I had a truce.
Lil and I
were going strong.
And Ma, between occasional
transplants and bypasses,
her health was improving.
I was on top
of the world.
Great story, pops.
So long.
Wait. I'm getting
to the sad part.
Everything else in my life
was going so well.
I was about to face
my greatest challenge.
Tommy, we're
so proud of you.
We sure are, kid.
I owe it all
to you, Johnny.
This calls
for a picture.
Wait. I'll get
me camera.
Hold this.
Where the hell
is that camera?
Tommy, I want you
to have something.
"Kimball, Pritchert,
and Williston?"
Biggest law firm
in the city.
Call them.
You'll find them
receptive.
Thanks, Johnny,
but I've already decided.
You'll be proud of me.
I'm joining
the District Attorney's office.
Johnny, I'm going to
dedicate my life...
to fighting crime.
Isn't that great?
My brother, who I put
through law school,
is gonna be fighting...
Crime.
Crime.
Mom, it's prohibition.
Stop acting like
a fag choir boy.
Here.
To me two
darling sons,
one a famous
nightclub owner,
the other
a crime fighter.
With a father
like Killer Kelly,
it's a miracle
neither of you...
became a piece-of-shit
criminal.
Maybe she was right.
I decided to go legit.
Then I got more bad news
about mom.
About your mom, John.
What is it?
How much?
A blocked salivary
gland... $7,500.
Go ahead.
It'll be good
seeing her spit again.
I returned to crime.
Since I had
the district attorney
on our payroll,
I wasn't worried
about Tommy.
I'm the new Assistant D.A.
I'm ready to join
the war against crime.
The boss in?
In there.
Hi. Tommy Kelly
reporting for work, sir.
Welcome to the team.
I'm proud to be on any team
whose adversary is crime.
That's just what
I wanted to hear.
That's why
we scout law schools
for young idealists.
But why not ease
into the job?
Take a little vacation.
A vacation?
But what about crime?
It'll be here
when you get back.
That's the trouble.
Crime will always be here...
unless something
is done about it.
But Tommy didn't go
on vacation.
He became
a tireless crime fighter.
He fought crime
in the newspapers.
He attacked it
on the radio.
He arrested
every criminal in town.
Then he turned his sights
on my enemy, Moronie.
That Roman Troy Moronie
is responsible for
the Mother's Day massacre,
the Christmas Day slaughter,
the Lincoln's Birthday
mutilation,
and the Groundhog's Day
beheadings.
My client wants to read
a prepared statement.
Go ahead.
I would like to direct this...
to the distinguished
members of the panel.
"You lousy corksuckers.
"You have violated
my fargin rights.
"This sum un om
botching country...
"was founded so
that the liberties...
"of common patriotic
citizens like me...
"could not be taken away...
"by a bunch
of fargin iceholes...
like yourselves."
Thank you very much.
What do you know about
Benny the Hump,
Roland Carpiti,
and Izzy the Nose
mean to you?
Don't mean a thing.
Recognize this?
No.
Your fingerprints
are on this gun,
which was used
to kill everyone...
in a building
at 110 East 40th Street.
Where do you
get that?
If a train left New York
at 300 miles per hour,
accelerated speed
15 miles per hour,
and traveled
a distance of 683 miles,
what time would that train
reach Chicago?
That's a fargin
silly question!
When, sir?
When would that train
reach Chicago?
This... this weed of crime
that threatens to grow
unchecked...
and choke off
this beautiful flower...
which is our free,
democratic society...
I never thought
this radio stunt
would catch on.
The public sees him
as a knight in shining armor.
This goes through armor,
through the victim,
through the wall,
through a tree outside...
Relax. Kelly has
nothing on us.
Maybe we should wait
till he does, huh?
We kill Kelly
and we'll have trouble.
If Jocko was in charge,
Kelly would have cement loafers.
I'm in charge,
not Jocko.
Got it?
Talk sense to the kid.
Get him to play ball.
We'll appeal to his
more practical side.
While you're at it,
buy yourself a second home.
Thanks, Johnny.
Sure.
This gang's getting soft.
By letting Kelly
take us apart,
we've become laughingstocks
of the underworld.
I'm embarrassed
to tell people what I do.
I say I'm a barber.
I told somebody
I was a male nurse.
I'm ashamed to admit
I'm a criminal.
We got to do something
about this.
You fellas
really disappoint me.
Look around.
What do you see?
I'll tell you what I see.
I see some guys
doing pretty good.
Manny, you got a sauna?
Yeah,
I got a sauna.
All right.
Ollie, don't you
send your mother...
to Norway every summer?
Yeah, Johnny.
Vito, how many hats
do you own?
Upwards around 180.
180 hats.
That's a lot of hats.
Yeah.
You never
told me that.
Tell me another gang
that's got a dental plan.
You know why
we're so successful?
Why, Johnny?
Because we're diversified.
Diversification,
yes, sir.
We're constantly exploring
new areas of crime.
We better because
there's Japanese gangs...
that will do it
faster and cheaper.
There's so much out there.
You can find
something you like.
I like
what I'm doing now.
I enjoy
giving whores work,
loan sharking,
planting bombs.
These are a few
of my favorite things.
Sick. Dumb-ass.
You missed, fuck face.
All right, Vermin.
You're not
getting that back
till you've matured.
Aren't we touchy,
Johnny?
Something going on
between you and Kelly?
Don't hang me on a hook.
My father hung me
on a hook once.
Once.
Come on, boys, I'm buying.
Now you're talking.
Hang in there, Vermin.
There's something fishy
with Johnny and that D.A.
I'm gonna find out
what it is.
I've got enough evidence
to put Johnny Dangerously
where he belongs.
We don't even know
such a man exists.
Until now.
Sir, I have got
conclusive evidence...
Notarized depositions,
tire prints, blood samples.
I've got
eyewitness accounts,
murder weapons,
fingerprints, recordings.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it, kid.
It's flimsy.
It's not enough.
It'll never hold up,
not in a court of law.
Let's put this aside.
We're here to socialize,
not talk shop.
Had enough
milk-fed veal, Tommy?
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Can we get back
to this damaging evidence
on Johnny Dangerously?
No.
Tonight,
I want to talk about...
Tommy Kelly
and his future.
You're engaged,
aren't you?
Yes, to a fine
and decent girl.
We plan to marry soon.
As soon as
you can afford it.
We'll manage.
Oh, I'm sure
you will.
But a little help
can't hurt.
Let me show you
something.
It's time to play ball!
Let's see what's in store
for Tommy Kelly...
if he plays ball.
In a hurry, Sally?
Use this time-saving
microflame oven.
Cook a turkey
in under a day.
In a rut, Tom?
Get away!
Take a trip around the world
on us, twice, aboard the...
S.S. Kelly.
And when you return,
move into your own
little love nest.
Plenty of extra
closet space.
Perfect for entertaining.
And on those chilly
winter nights,
Sally can wrap herself up
in this number.
And on those
hot summer nights,
Sally can wrap
herself up in ice.
It's all yours,
if you play ball.
What do you say?
I say I'll see you
behind bars.
What's up?
He didn't go for it.
What now?
I'll ask Johnny.
Johnny, what will you do
about Kelly?
"Kill him."
He says kill him.
I thought he'd feel that way,
so I've taken care of it.
**
* I'm a sentimental sap,
that's all *
* What's the use of trying
not to fall *
* I have no will,
you've made your kill *
* 'Cause you took
advantage of me *
* I'm just like an apple
on a bough *
* And you're going to
shake me down somehow *
* So what's the use
She cooked my goose *
* When she took
advantage of me **
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Aahhh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Which one's Tommy?
Got me.
Dr. Michael Hertzberg
to surgery.
This is him.
He's got
his father's eyes.
Give me a pen.
In case they move him.
Hey, Ma.
Is he going to...
I mean, will he...
Croak? No.
Dr. Kaplan says he's
going to be fine.
We Kellys are tough.
What happened?
His brakes failed
leaving the D.A.'s.
His brakes?
I smell a rat.
Get yourself a cab, Ma.
I got a little business
to attend to.
Dr. Hugo Carey, emergency.
This is very nice,
although unexpected.
Well, Winston,
you been on the take
from us all these years.
Just my way
of saying thanks.
That's real generous.
You know...
you've always
seemed to me...
to be more sensitive
than the rest.
We should spend
some time together,
say two weeks
in Puerto Rico.
It's a thought.
It's a thought.
I picked
something up for you.
John... John.
A smoking jacket.
Red.
My favorite color.
Oh.
Mmm! Tasty.
What is this
we're drinking?
Uh... read the label.
I got to make a call.
Malt liquor. Hmm.
Aah!
Yo!
My God.
My God, I can see.
I can see!
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Johnny, you're early.
That's all right,
isn't it?
You never missed before.
Is something wrong?
Oh, hi, Johnny.
Hi, Mrs. Capone.
Could I borrow
a cup of bullets?
We're a little low.
Al will be pissed.
Maybe Al's gonna
have to stay home tonight.
Gee.
You weren't
very nice to her.
Oh, no?
When's somebody
going to be nice
to Johnny Dangerously?
Look. My own brother's
out to get me.
That psycho Vermin's
out to get him.
The gang's getting antsy,
and the Crime Commission
is breathing down my neck.
I hope that's
for a small grownup.
Nah. Just
wishful thinking.
Ah, maybe someday, kid.
When, Johnny?
When are we going
to stop running
and start living?
With Sally and Tommy
getting hitched
tomorrow,
it got me thinking.
I got an
old-fashioned streak.
I want a normal life.
Johnny Dangerously
can't live a normal life.
It ain't in the cards.
People like me,
we're like shooting stars.
We cross the sky,
burning hot for one moment,
and then we plunge
to Earth, disappear.
Jesus Christ.
I'm starting to upset myself.
Johnny, it doesn't
have to be that way.
We can change.
I don't know, Lil.
Dare we dream?
Yeah.
Hanging curtains,
ironing shirts.
Yeah.
Car pools, PTA.
Sharing
a casserole recipe.
Putting up shelf paper.
Johnny,
I love shelf paper.
A little house,
white picket fence.
Kids and dogs
in the yard.
Saying hi to
a neighbor named Fred.
Maybe there is a rainbow
for us out there.
Sure, me and Lil had dreams.
But when you're in crime, kid,
dreams don't always come true.
Follow him.
Park it
in this slot here.
It's for
the handicapped.
I am handicapped.
I'm psychotic.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You're like
a daughter to me.
I want to share
something with you.
What's that?
I go both ways.
Oh.
I'm glad we waited.
Yes.
I can't wait anymore.
Okay, where?
Some place real close.
Tommy's excited,
but does he know
about foreplay?
He'll figure it out.
When will you follow
your brother's example,
Johnny Kelly?
Brothers.
Ha ha ha!
I knew
there was something.
Oh, leave your face
right there.
How do you like that?
Johnny Dangerously
is Tommy Kelly's brother.
What?
Dangerously
is the D.A.'s brother.
Ha ha ha!
That's it?
You little shit!
* Say hello to Jesus *
* Take Mr. Jesus
by the hand **
Hallelujah!
We were waiting
in the car.
I wondered what happened
to my brother.
I'm Johnny Kelly's brother,
not Johnny Dangerously's.
Just a matter of time,
wasn't it, kid?
Listen.
Just don't tell Ma.
When I put you
behind bars,
your picture will be
in every newspaper
in this country!
Why, Johnny? Why?
Maybe it's because
that dealer in the sky
shuffles the cards...
and we just play
what we're dealt.
It's against the law
to gamble!
Christ.
I took an oath
to fight crime.
I can't go against
my brother.
We'll settle this
with our fists.
Whoa! Wait a minute!
You can't fight me.
I'm too good.
I'll take my chances.
Okay.
I win, you quit.
You win, I quit.
All right.
Johnny, take a dive.
Oh!
I didn't know
you packed such a wallop.
All right, Tom, you win.
I'm going legit.
Gee, thanks, Johnny.
Hey!
All right!
This time,
I really was going legit.
All I had to do
was make the gang understand.
Who did that?
Aw, sorry.
Did I get you?
You ruined the jacket.
Aw!
See?
When will we tell
the boys about Johnny?
As soon as he gets here.
I wanna see the look
on his face.
You're not doing
yourself any good.
And for you kids out there
who are thinking about smoking,
don't start.
And if you started, stop.
Smoking don't
make you look tough.
It makes you look stupid.
Put chewing gum
in your mouth instead.
That's what Johnny does.
Smoking is the worst thing
you can do to your body.
Huh uh ya!
See?
Hey, Johnny,
let's have it.
I'll be late
for target practice.
There's an opera
letting out.
All right.
- Johnny Dangerously's
going legit.
- Le what?
Legit.
Le why?
Because Johnny Dangerously
is Johnny Kelly,
D.A. Tommy Kelly's brother.
Johnny,
is this true?
I don't know
how to react.
Yeah, kid, it is true.
Tommy Kelly
is my brother.
I'm proud of him.
Sure. You worked
with him,
helping him
in his career.
Now that he's on top,
you're running out
on us.
You don't care
about crime.
That's right.
I don't care about crime?
I've been devoted
to crime since I was 12.
I think we ought to
enjoy what we got.
We got plenty.
I'm closing
this store for good.
Well, I'm reopening it
under new management.
Oh, no, you're not.
You don't have the keys,
and I do.
I'm giving them
to the crime commissioner.
And us with them, huh?
I knew it.
He's turning squealer.
You know,
I'm bored
with slapping you around.
Bores me.
Don't worry, fellas.
You guys are in the clear.
It's me they're after.
Dirty Jew,
shanty nigger,
white trash bastard!
Go ahead!
Walk all over
the little beggar!
Commissioner,
there's the evidence
against me, just like
I promised.
Use it.
I'm ready to pay my debt.
Hey,
how about a thank you?
Hey, how about me
getting out of here?
Hey, how about me
getting knocked out?
Hey, Johnny,
I'd love to stick around,
see how this turns out,
but I got
a store to open.
Ha ha ha!
You lousy Wop,
Slovak, Chink, Jap,
Polack, Kraut, fags!
Hiya, doll.
What's your name?
Mary Margaret
Katherine Danine.
How'd you like to
make some money?
One at a time
or together?
How much to clean 708
and forget you saw us?
$17,000.
All right,
17 grand it is.
Forget we ever
gave you this money.
What money?
That-a girl.
Johnny!
Johnny!
One at a time, boys.
Did you do it?
You know better
than to ask that.
Explain the gun.
I been framed
like the Mona Lisa.
Why were you seeing
the commissioner?
I was going legit.
Le what?
Legit.
As in legitimate.
Oh.
Oh.
How about a picture?
Sure.
It's the first picture
of Johnny Dangerously,
so make it a good one.
Great.
Thanks.
All right.
Thank you.
Empty your pockets,
Johnny.
Wait a minute.
I can't find
my cigarette case.
Maybe it's
in another suit.
I don't think...
Your car.
No.
Maybe it's on the sink.
No. It's my
good luck piece.
Whoever has it
bumped off the commissioner.
Excuse me.
Johnny, I brought
your bail money.
I hate to disappoint you.
Johnny's being held
without bail.
By whose orders?
The man who's prosecuting...
The D.A. himself.
This is what you
call going legit?
I swear,
I been set up.
Find the cigarette case,
you'll find the murderer.
There are a million
cigarette cases.
Only one has a bullet dent
and smells like gum.
Don't say anything
until you get a lawyer.
I can handle
my own brother.
You and he...
Me and him's brothers.
We were brothers.
Brothers!
Hey, wait, I'll go!
Get out of my way!
Yo!
Is that
the city edition?
What?
I said, is that
the city edition?
Oh, no.
Son of a bitch.
Now I'm deaf!
He's guilty.
He's guilty.
Guilty.
Aah!
Mrs. Kelly.
Get me
from me best side.
Got anything to say?
I got mixed feelings...
Thrilled for Tommy,
sad for Johnny.
Mr. Kelly.
No comment.
This is
the toughest thing
I've ever done.
Nice work, Mr. D.A.
My name is Danny Vermin.
I was associated
with your brother.
Thank you for sending him
to the hot seat.
Ha ha ha!
Watch.
Johnny taught me this.
Aah!
You shouldn't kick me
in the balls.
My sister kicked me
in the balls once.
Look, Mom.
It's Johnny's
cigarette case.
The one he was
talking about.
Give me that.
It's my brother's
cigarette case.
Johnny didn't do it.
I'll get you, Vermin,
if it's
the last thing I do.
It just might be, Mr. D.A.
Johnny ain't guilty,
and you sent him
to the big house.
Johnny, it's an honor
to have you on death row.
Don't be silly.
The pleasure's all mine.
Hi, Pop.
Still here, huh?
You bet.
Tough break.
John.
How the hell are you?
You're beautiful,
Johnny.
Why don't you
get the boys some quiche?
There you go.
Es spiritus sanctum.
Johnny,
this is one of our
best guards, Tony.
Hiya, Tony.
How are you?
You took a shot
at me once.
I never forget a gun.
Are we going to
do this or what?
There's nothing left. Look.
Finest metal.
I keep telling you, Howard,
the boy needs a role model.
Rocky, I'm so horny.
Oh, Johnny, Vermin's turning
the place into a dive.
And Johnny...
Don't tell me.
He put in a salad bar.
He's making
a play for me.
Wait a minute.
That's just what we want.
I got to prove
he framed me.
Lil, play up to him.
But, Johnny...
No "buts."
Keep your eyes and ears open.
The first thing you hear,
get it to me
on the grapevine.
Got it.
That-a girl.
Come here.
Next time,
I'll bring a can opener.
Good idea.
Come here.
Yo!
I can hear again
and I can see.
I can hear again
and I can see!
But who am I?
Tommy,
please eat something.
I not gonna eat until
I've saved my brother.
Keep up
the good work,
Governor Kelly.
So it's governor?
Just cheap talk, Mom.
Anybody that would
send his brother to
the hot seat gets my vote.
Mom! I'm trying to prove
Johnny's innocence.
If I leave
things to you,
Johnny will fry
like his father.
Your old mom just
might have something
for you tonight.
Who is it?
Open up.
It's Ma Kelly.
What do you want?
I gotta talk to you.
We have nothing to
say to each other.
We got a lot to say.
We got a lot in common.
We both scrub floors,
we're both swell lookers,
and we're not Chinese.
You been doing
your homework.
What do you want?
- How much do you want
to tell the truth?
- $19,500.
Boy, am I having
a good year!
What's the matter,
you got no manners?
Send me a bill for the door.
You don't even wait
for the body to get cold.
I go where
the action is.
Where's your mom?
You send her
up the river too?
What do you want,
Mr. D.A.?
And make it quick, huh?
I have a subpoena
for you.
What for? You ain't
got a thing on me.
Does the name
Mary Margaret Katherine Danine
strike a familiar chord?
I'm tone deaf.
Too bad.
She's singing
like a canary.
We got her
in her own cage.
I'm going to enjoy
sending you to the chair.
Come on, boys.
I don't like
the smell here.
That cleaning dame
will spill her guts.
We can't get to her.
But we can get to him.
How, boss?
Don't you listen
to the radio?
The governor
and D.A. Tommy Kelly...
will attend the premiere
of the new James Cagney movie
tomorrow night.
Should be clear skies
as the governor
and D.A. Tommy Kelly...
attend the new
James Cagney movie.
Which theater?
The Savoy, on 37th.
It will be like
shooting ducks in a pond.
Once we knock the D.A. off,
that cleaning dame
will clam up just fine.
Get this to Johnny
on the grapevine.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's brother...
at the Savoy Theater
tomorrow night.
Got it?
Got it.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's brother
at the Savoy Theater.
Pass it on.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's brother.
Vermin's going to kill
Johnny's mother.
Vermin's mother
is going to kill Johnny.
Urgent message
through the grapevine.
Yeah? What is it?
Johnny and the mothers
are playin' "Stompin"
at the Savoy in Vermont.
Vermin's going to kill
my brother at the Savoy?
I didn't say that.
I know this grapevine.
I got to get out of here.
Guard!
Come here.
Yeah?
Smell that food.
I think it's rotten.
What's all this
about, Johnny?
I can't take it, Warden!
Send me to
the chair tonight!
The waiting's
driving me crazy!
You still got two weeks.
I don't want them!
Fry me tonight!
Anything for you.
We'll bump Steinberg.
Dangerously will go
to the chair tonight.
Everyone who is anyone
is here tonight,
including Mr. Crimefighter,
District Attorney Tommy Kelly.
They're talking about you
as our next governor.
That's very nice,
but all I'm concerned about...
is proving
my brother's innocence.
Johnny, if you're
listening, I love you.
Your turn, Johnny.
The priest you requested
has arrived.
Are you ready, my son?
I'm ready
if you are, Father.
Dominus obiscum, Nabisco.
Espiritus sanctum.
They gustovus...
So long, Johnny.
Me gustovus,
you gustovus.
We miss the bus,
they miss the bus.
Be brave, Johnny.
When's the next bus?
Sum cum laude,
magnum cum laude,
the radio's still laude.
Good luck, Johnny.
Semper fidelus,
high fidelus.
Why didn't I take shop?
Post meridian,
antimeridian, Uncle Meridian,
all the little meridians.
Good-bye, Johnny.
Good-bye, Rock.
The Magna Carta,
Master Charga...
Spit in his eye,
Johnny.
Dumpro kelus,
lots of Vitalis.
You bet, Rabbi.
Do you have
any last words, Johnny?
Well said.
Okay, Warden.
This is where
we say good-bye.
You weren't really
going to kill me, were you?
What, with this?
Calling all cars.
Johnny Dangerously
has just escaped
from state prison.
Could I have a popcorn,
a Milk Duds,
and a white fish?
When we going to
give it to him?
Just when Cagney
gets his in the movie,
a few minutes from now.
Calling all cars.
Calling all cars.
Be on the lookout
for Johnny Dangerously...
and two accomplices
in a black sedan.
I repeat,
in a black sedan.
Black sedan, huh?
We'll see about that.
I hope this works.
It always does
at home.
Come on, shelf paper.
Step back
or they'll plug me.
Get out of
the way, boss.
No!
Calling all cars.
Calling all cars.
Johnny Dangerously
now driving a white sedan,
disguised
as a trout Fisherman.
Johnny,
we've been spotted.
Peel the next layer.
Someday that will be
in Johnny Junior's room.
Sure, sure.
There he goes.
Get him!
Don't let him get away.
He knows too much.
Calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for...
Now, listen to this.
Dangerously and accomplices,
dressed as nuns,
driving a sedan covered with...
oh, you'll love this...
duckies and bunnies.
Calling all cars,
calling all cars.
Come to Dooley's bar.
I'm buying.
There's something
you don't see every day.
Everybody stay
where you are.
Alan, keep down.
You might as well
come down, Pembroke.
There's no one left
but you.
Ah, shit.
Aah!
Johnny, are you okay?
Sure, kid.
You didn't get hit,
did you?
I don't think so.
Boy, does that
come in handy!
You would have taken
the bullet for me.
I was counting on
a lot of missing.
Johnny!
Oh!
We'll have to take you
back to the big house.
I have a witness
that will clear Johnny.
That's your man!
Officer,
release this man.
I'm granting him
a full pardon.
Oh, Johnny.
Hey, thanks, Gov.
You shouldn't
shoot me, Johnny.
My grandmother
shot me once.
Johnny, darling,
you must be exhausted.
Breaking out of prison,
racing here
to save your brother.
You've had a full day.
Funny, Ma,
I'm not even tired.
Must have been that nap
after lunch.
Oh, I'll have
some stories...
to tell my
grandchildren...
If I have any.
Lil, let's start
a little gang of our own.
That okay?
Oh, Johnny, I like it.
Kid, I'll make you
love it.
So that's my story.
I hope
you learned something.
I sure did.
Wow! The electric chair.
I'm going straight.
You better see that you do,
or I'm coming after you.
Get out of here.
Wait. Aren't you
forgetting something?
There you go.
Thanks, Mr. Kelly.
Hey, kid.
Don't forget.
Crime doesn't pay.
Right.
Johnny.
Well, it paid a little.
* We're all alone *
* No chaperone
can get our number *
* The world's in slumber *
* Let's misbehave *
* There's something wild
about you, child *
* That's so contagious *
* Let's be outrageous *
* Let's misbehave *
* When Adam won eve's hand *
* He wouldn't stand
for teasin' *
* He didn't care about *
* Those apples out of season *
* They say the spring
means just one thing *
* To little lovebirds *
* We're not above birds *
* Let's misbehave *
* It's getting late,
and while I wait *
* My poor heart aches on *
* Why keep the brakes on *
* Let's misbehave *
* I feel quite sure
a good amour *
* Would be attractive *
* While we're still active *
* Let's misbehave *
* You know my heart is true *
* When you say
you for me care *
* Somebody's sure to tell *
* But what the heck
do we care *
* They say that bears
have love affairs *
* And even camels *
* We're merely mammals *
* Let's misbehave *
* If you'd be oh, so sweet *
* And only heed
your fate, dear *
* Would be the great event
of 1928, dear *
* They say the spring
means just one thing *
* To little lovebirds *
* We're not above birds *
* Let's misbehave **