John Apple Jack (2013) - full transcript

[silence]

[splat]

[John]: If you asked me
just a week ago,

I would've said this--

there's two different ways
to be gay.

Option one: gay sex.

With all the multiple

moist pleasures squeezed
from juicy exotic tastes...

it was a lot of work,

and tons of clean-up.

I mean, don't get me wrong--
fruit had its moments.



But with gay sex, what,

1,000 times a year
and counting,

I was feeling--

I was feeling independent.

My name is John Jardine,

and, at 25,

I'm looking for some sort of
meaning to all this,

some romance,

someone to see me as...
well, me.

And not as
some rich, gay slut/whore

who gets everything he wants.

[groans and climaxes]

[gasps]

[♪♪♪]



But let's face it--
what was the alternative?

Some fairy-tale perfection
called option number two--

"Gay Love."

[♪♪♪]

Hey, John!
Your Mommy here!

Jean Philippe?

[shrieking]

Through the years,

I kept trying to believe

in this sort of
storybook happy times,

but deep down,
I was always thinking

that a typical "one-and-only"
would just never be my thing.

Seriously,
I was having nightmares.

Couples
taking walks together

down cute
little sunshine streets.

Houses in pastel.

Two-and-a-half dogs--
I mean, really...

it's just so not me.

Like, what's happening
to my sanity?

Three boys, legal age,
chasing me.

Why the fuck would I run?

I mean, how does anyone
fall for just one guy?

Like, even if you're straight,
bi, curious, whatever--

don't we all
just wanna have fun?

But I have to admit,
with finding love,

and, you know, dating--

I'd say it smacked me
right in the face.

[♪♪♪]

No one knew I wanted it bad,
but the "it" I wanted

was nothing like
what I expected.

Jack! Jack!

-See?
-Jack!

Tortured by gay love.
Does this look happy to you?

But how about this?

[groaning]: That's it--
That's it.

Oh! Oh--

See? This was last week.

That is this week.

Last week.

This week.

Gay sex and gay love
coming together.

A miracle.

'Cause just a week ago...

this was me.

[groans]

[intercom buzzes]:
Uh, John, your dad--

Kiddo!

What?

There's
time for work

and there's time for titties--
I'm not paying for both.

Yeah, but--

Not on
company time,

and certainly not inside
our building,

is that clear?

Dad. Can we talk later?

Michel called.

Someone broke into the kitchen,
destroyed the place by cooking.

Break, enter, and cook--
can you believe it?

Think it was a competitor?

No.

Uh... yeah!

Listen, look into it.

I don't care

if there's a dead animal
under your desk,

you're on payroll.

-Dad, I'm trying.
-Do you ever work?

-This morning, I was--
We'll talk.

When you have time.

By the way,
Vivienne called.

Can you believe it?

After 10 years,
family reunion.

Tomorrow, lunch,
at the restaurant.

Your restaurant.

Dad.

[door shuts]

Shit!

Titty?

Dead animal?

You like?
Marco can make happen.

[Marco giggles]

What happened here?

It's like
Julia Child exploded.

Hi.

[Michel]: Monsieur?

I thought
your father was coming.

I'm here.

Yes, uh, we did not
touch anything,

for fear of the fingerprints.

Should we call
the police?

Whoa. No.
It was me.

I was here.

Earlier.

There was
a motivational workshop

and it said that
you should try new things,

so I thought, you know,
why not try cooking?

It's cool.
I'll sign you guys up.

Ah, absolument.
Oh, how exciting.

How mind-expanding.

Well, I, for one, cannot wait
to see what you create.

What, your private jet's
being hand-washed?

I don't have a private--

Ha.

Mm.

It's been a long time.

Yeah.

You never
cooked before?

No. Why would I?

Right.
You got a point.

What,
16 restaurants now?

You were trying to cook
some sort of quail?

Back to the basics.

Works better sometimes.

Reasons why certain flavors
go well together.

Isn't that boring?

What?

Apples.

Monsieur Jardine?

Yes?

Welcome to Jardine's.

You want
to try something?

[♪♪♪]

Cut the chicken up
like this--

around the bone--
Are you watching?

Okay. Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Wow.

Colorful.

Thanks.

We're French cuisine.

'Course,
but I was thinking--

You work here,
and you cook like that?

You didn't know
I work here?

Or you didn't
know I cooked?

Uh, both.

Been with the company
eight years,

started at
"Bistro on Denman,"

but just
got promoted here.

You didn't know?

No.

J'excuse. Uh...

Should I, uh...?

No. No, no, no,
no, no. Stay.

Stay. What's-his-face here

is just showing me
some sort of

tempura/teriyaki...

some sort
of Asian thing.

What is
your name again?

What?

Your name.

You're kidding.

Buddy. Come on.

I mean, it's been,
like, how long?

I don't even remember--

Ow! Mother--!

"What's-his-face"?

[exhaling deeply]

Jack. Jack.

Why are you even here?

What is this?

You're showing me
what you do.

This? This--

this is your flagship
5-star restaurant, Johnny.

You wanna fool around,

go "Rachael Ray"
your other fucking kitchens.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm so sor--!

He's the best line cook in
town, monsieur. Please don't--

Fire him! Do it!

[splat]

After he cleans.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, wow. Looks worse
than yesterday, eh?

Prick.

You okay?

[grunts]

Ahh!

I know what you want.

Ten bucks
for looking, stud.

Yeah, no.

[♪♪♪]

[Marco giggling]

Uh...

-Hey.
-[intercom buzzes]

-Visitor, John. Sorry, I--
- Your dad's busy.

Should I call security?

We're good, Candice.
Thanks.

Do we have an appointment?

Johnny... Come on.

You can't fire me over the--

Look, I'm sorry about--
about the whole...

You get your job back.

Grab a club,
take a swing.

Marco, two coffees.

[Marco huffs]

Okay.

It's there
for a reason, Jack.

Right.

Look, I know
Jardine's is French,

but I've been cooking the same--

but wonderfully
successful cuisine--

for, like, eight years.

Mm, eight years?

Right.

People want to see
fresh ideas,

local ingredients.

I could really go
for a career push--

-'Cause next month, I--
-No.

What?

I just hired you back, Jack.

You make good coin.
Great way to live.

Don't think so much.

Alright.

I'll wait for your dad, then.

Was that a threat?

People know you

as "yes" or "no,"
sometimes,

which is really
great for business,

but creatively...

Marco.

Massage?

No. Cream.

He's been here
for a week now.

It's not
rocket science.

I don't want cream.

You want
better hours.

-I don't.
-Right?

No.

Johnny, please.
I'm going nuts.

Carrots, tomatoes,
zucchinis--

same stuff
over and over again.

It's boring.

I'm begging you,
please,

just take a look.

New recipes.

I need a life-change,

and I know you want to step out
from your dad's shadow.

Anyways, the thing is,

you're not that good
with the food.

Good with the numbers,
I think, but...

Huh.

That's why I'm here.
I'm here to help.

What the hell was that?

What? What do you mean,
"What the hell was that?"

You kissed me.

Well, I'm not
attracted to you.

I'm playing around, Jack.

I'll think about it.

What, the last 20 years?

The recipes.

I'll get back to you.

But it might
take me a while,

because I'm not
that talented.

Johnny. I--
I didn't mean--

Right.

Go for
drinks, maybe?

Tomorrow?

Uh... uh, yeah.

Drinks. Uh, tomorrow.

I know you're
a busy guy, so--

I'm not busy.

Ay! Ah!

You crazy.

This, buy from Prada!

[♪♪♪]

Hey.

Hi.

[♪♪♪]

Meow!

Welcome
to Marco Chow Experience.

Marco, please.

[♪♪♪]

Meow!

Born rich, man.

Sometimes, they forget
to touch people.

[♪♪♪]

[spazzing out]

[♪♪♪]

[phone chimes]

[Marco groaning and giggling]

Get up.

Marco, would
you just stop?

Would you move?

[Marco grunts bitterly]

Johnny, what happen?

Shit. I gotta go.

No.

My sister is talking
to Mom and Dad

for the first time
in, like, 10 years.

No... don't go.

It's a-- it's
a big deal, Marco!

Big deal right here.

Just stop it!
Don't touch me.

Okay, okay.

I stop touch.

Marco
come with lunch?

Stop!

Would you just...

go?

Home.

Please.

What?

I'm sorry,
you're just--

you're not right
for the job.

It's too much work

to have to tell you
what to do.

You tell me anything.
I can do.

Your daddy--
he not know you gay?

You think
you're the first genius

to come up with that?

Be gone
by the time I get back.

No one fuck with Marco Chow!

Great to see you guys.

Been looking forward
to this lunch.

Us too, yes.

You look gorgeous today,
my dear.

Thanks, Dad.

Good to see you.

So, it's a nice little lunch.

What?

Hi.

Hi.

What happened to your head?

Hello, sis.

What's going on?

How long's it been?

A while.

Dad?

You told him?

I thought
it was a reunion.

I thought
he should come.

As long as
his schedule permitted.

-Sweetie, would you--
-Come back later, please.

Jack Gaang--

are you that movie star
from Hong Kong?

No, he's our Oriental
neighbor from the old house.

In Kitsilano.

"Asian," Mom.
He's "Asian."

He's not the buffet
at the Red Chili Szechuan,

sweetheart,
he's an Oriental person.

-No, he is--
-Oh, my God.

You tell her.

No. Go right ahead.

[clink-clink]

Hello? Hi.

Guys, um,

this might
seem a little...

well, out of the blue,

but, well...

We're getting married.

I beg your pardon?

Who's getting
married?

Jack and I.

We've been in love
for a while, so it's...

That's not
"out of the blue".

You're completely
out of your mind.

You! You-- You...

are not invited
and may not speak.

You say what you want
all the time.

You never think about
anyone else.

I don't
want to hear it.

Believe me, I'm thinking
about you right now.

We would love for you
to come to the wedding,

and I was thinking

that you could
offer him a, um...

promotion.

A what?

We would love
to buy a house someday,

so, you know...

He works for us?
Sorry, you work for us?

Yes, sir. Since--

He's a line cook.
Here.

Do you mind?

Vivienne!

Yes, Mother.

I am marrying a chef.

A low-income kid
who grew up in a duplex.

God, Mom.

You're a snob.
A classist snob.

Why do you think
I ran away?

Kiddo!
Slow down now.

[♪♪♪]

Look--

Mom, I'm happy
to be here.

You look beautiful.

Listen to me.

For years, I thought
this Oriental man--

Asian, Mom.
He's Asian.

...Kidnapped you.

Worried all day and all night,
whether you were killed

by a triad
with a name I can't pronounce!

-Triad?
-He's not in a triad!

...Then, on a Friday,
when you know I have my facials,

you drop this on us!

-Stop it!
-What?

[thud]

Our meeting
with Dr. Cheval,

is that next week?

Viv, you're delusional.

Shut up.

Thank me later.

Mr. Jardine--

Ahem. Mom. Dad.

I'm gay.

What?

You just have to make this
about you, don't you?

Sir, the guests.

You know what?

I'm not keeping it down anymore,
you know why?

Because I'm gay.

I have always been gay,

and I always will be gay.

There are gays everywhere,
people.

I mean, I live in Yaletown.

Hello!
It's the gayest place on Earth.

-Just look at--
-Get a hold of yourself!

-[glass breaking]
-Johnny!

It's not
the 1900s anymore.

No one cares.

Please, it's okay.

Your mom ignores it
and I just humor you.

You've always played
this "Lady's Man."

That's why
we never talked about it.

But, kiddo...
you're as queer as they come.

-Please!
-Everyone knows.

No, they don't.

I know.

No duh.
I slept with you.

Not just him,
Johnny.

Facebook,
Twitter...

Everywhere.

Here, let me
show you.

-Dad. Please.
-Renard, sit.

Show of hands,
please, everyone.

You're all here
at Jardine's today.

You know who owns it?

Excellent! Thank you.

Now, who here knew
that "John Jardine,"

that spoiled French kid
who anglicized his name

'cause he didn't like being
called "Jean," like a girl,

who knew that John Jardine
was gay?

Everyone! Thank you.

Mystery solved.
No one cares.

Well, I do.

It's your issue,
honey.

Not his.
Now, listen to me.

Your preference
for dangly bits aside--

what should
this really be about?

What do you want?

You know what?
I need my own life.

You and Mom had everything
laid out for me,

and I mean, thank you,
for the "leg up" and all,

but there has to be more to life

than just gay bars
and fine dining.

I mean, that's all I do,
and that's all people see.

It's, like, I've got

a goddamn "John Jardine"
T-shirt on,

and yet nobody knows
anything about me.

Solutions, kiddo.

Quit masturbating
on the problems.

Let's eat.

[Monique]: Renard.

"Masticating."
Sorry, honey.

Perrier and lemon.

And he will not
be staying.

-Right away.
-Dad, I'm not done.

We know that.

Johnny, go somewhere else,
figure it out.

We're here
for Vivienne and Jack today.

Forget the Perrier.
Champagne.

Very good, sir.

Credit cards,
Johnny.

Put 'em
on the table.

You want
your own life?

You can handle
being fired.

[laughs]

What?

You heard me.

Did he hear me?

Don't be cruel.

No, you know what?
I can do better.

Here.

Take that.

So, how long have you
been with Jardine's?

Uh--

I recall a delightful--

How is your Mother?

She's--
She's well, yeah.

Congratulations,
Jack, buddy.

Good luck
with the wedding.

Well...

Wonder what
we'll have today.

What would you like
to start with?

[♪♪♪]

No, I don't
eat meat.

-You're looking well.
-I'm vegetarian.

Thank you!

I know some great
asparagus dishes.

Excuse me?
Asparagus?

I tell you people
family secret.

Great.
Which one?

John Jardine is gay!

Ah.

[laughing]

What?
You not believe?

You missed
the train, cutie.

Miss train?

No. I from Shenzhen, China.
I fly.

Train not come from China,
go Canada.

Weren't you
under his desk?

Honey.

How about suing
for sexual harassment?

Yes! I can sue!

No, no, no.
Silly.

I'll give you
a much better deal,

trust me.

Oh, thanks.

Hey!

What are you doing?

That costs money.

I'll pay for it.
Please. Don't fire me.

He was eating garbage before.

Wait. Can you still fire me?

I could rat you out.

Or you could...

you know.

Text me.

We'll discuss your penance
over dinner.

I texted you all week,
John Jardine.

You never text back.

Joe, come on.

It's not my name, John.
G.F.Y.

What kind of name
is G.F.Y.?

Go fuck yourself.

"G.F.Y."

[♪♪♪]

[Monique]: What is this?

[Renard]: Ah, nicely plated.

[Monique]: That's about it.

You can start, Dad.

Okay.

John.

Can I talk to you?

Uh, no. No.
I'm talking to you.

Why are you marrying Viv?

We're best friends.

I didn't even know
you guys kept in touch.

Your point?

She's got emotional
problems, Jack!

-She doesn't need marriage.
-You make shit up.

I'm not. Look.

You don't have to
marry into the family

to get your recipes
looked at.

Are you completely blind?

We've been living together
for forever.

If you talked to her
once in a while,

you would've known.

We have talked.

Yeah, all the time--
like, once a year.

And you only talk about you.

You are screwing
with your life!

Whatever.

We're in our 20s,
party age.

You can't tell me

kissing me
didn't mean anything.

You looked
like you needed it.

You kissed me back.

It was awesome.

Really the best.

I needed you to kiss me?

Well, yeah.

Lady Gaga fingering her fans.

There. You see?

Gaga reference.

You can't be straight.

No way.

Who do you think you are?

You now know me
all of a sudden?

Yesterday,
you blanked on my name.

I love her.

It's about commitment
and family, not sex.

Marriage without sex?

Vivienne have a say?

You're a sex-without-
marriage robot.

What's the difference?

Sex without--

What is this, the 1950s?

I need
business advice.

Last time I checked,
you're out of a job.

Plenty of time to read.

Jack...

I didn't throw this
out the window.

It was an accident.

-Whatever.
-No, not whatever!

You keep having this delusion
I'm some heartless prick.

I'm totally generous,
I swear.

I'm thinking partnership,
John, not charity.

That's not what I meant.

I'll read every word.

I promise.

Weren't you, like,
having lunch?

I went to the men's room.

You owe me drinks,

and dinner
to talk about recipes.

Yeah. Whatever.

[♪♪♪]

Afternoon, Mr. Jardine.

Hey...

Bruce?

Yeah.

Alright.

I'm Bruce.

[♪♪♪]

There something wrong
with the elevator?

Oh, it's on strike
again, eh?

Maybe they want a raise,
'cause it's a--

An elevator?

See your card, sir?

Call me John.

Sure. [spits]

I didn't think of that.

[phone rings]

Ah.

Security.

Yeah.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Can't let you
in the building, sir.

What?

Sorry, sir,
you're gonna have to

deal with
the office directly.

Stop fooling
around, Bruce.

Just need to grab
a few things.

[phone beeps]

Sir, that's not
for the public's--

Yeah,
it's an emergency.

Hold on.

Call me John.
I told you.

-[phone rings]
-Right.

[beep]

Yes?

My key card won't work
and my phone's busted.

Who's this?

Dad, it's me.

[beep]

Dad?

[dial tone buzzing]

Dad?

[♪♪♪]

[rattling securely]

What?

[thumps]

Yes? Ah. Hello!

Get out.

No. Now is Marco Chow home.

Present from your daddy.

He say you not come in.

Marco! You're on a visa.

You're E.S.L.

You can't even work
in this country, let alone--

That's my shirt.

No.

Alright, I get it.

Thank Dad for the life lesson,
just--

No, no, no, no, no!

I am boss now.

You should put out,
for me put in.

Shut up and listen.

You're not that original.

I walk around
with dollar signs on my face.

Just...

Alright.

You win today.

You can take the condo.

Just go back to school, okay?

Work on your English,
at least.

-Marco!
-Marco?

We "twistering" yet?

No.

John think
to success in life,

must improve
English first.

Oh.

It's not about English, it's--

Shouldn't you guys
be at work?

We're on a break.

Education
is important, Marco.

Okay, lesson learnt.

Why talk good
when you look like you?

Boxers or briefs?

Don't remember.

Briefs.

Brand?

Calvins.

Mm, so last season.

Guys, come on.

You know the saying.
It's what's inside that counts.

Embarrassing.

-What? Guys--
-Bye-bye.

[slam]

Look, a promotion
just isn't my thing.

I want my own kitchen.

I know!

But you don't
get your own restaurant

just by working hard.

Do you know
how much money it takes?

A million,
to start a business.

That's why
we need Mom and Dad.

You've got talent, Jack,

but you can't
just hide in your food.

I'll work overtime.

Ugh, not the point.

Look. I hear you.

Being back
with your family's

not exactly
creme brulee,

but I appreciate it.

Good.

So, where does
John fit in?

What?

You talked to him
today, right?

Why? What happened?

Happened? What...

He's giving me
advice.

You're lying.

You're doing that thing
you do when you lie.

What thing?

You open your eyes
really big.

Vivienne,
why would I lie?

I don't know.
Why would you?

It's nothing.

I saw him at work
last week.

Still lying.

I went to show him
my recipes

to catch a break
legitimately.

[sighs heavily]

Okay, not lying,
but hurtful.

It's not legitimate
to ask your father-in-law,

who actually knows
about food,

for a job?

You'd rather ask some
good-for-nothing playboy

who pretends
to be your boss?

I don't think he's
as bad as people think--

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Oli.

Uh, heads up.

Sorry. We back early.

He not like
High School Musical.

But you lied.

Mom, she lied.

You said we'd
watch basketball.

Singing about it
isn't the same.

Ma, do you mind
taking him inside?

Viv and I need
to have a talk

about why she thinks
I'm having second doubts

about our marriage.

[scoffs] Wrong.

I'm not the one
thinking.

Grab the ball, Oli.
Let's go.

What you mean, "marriage"?

Ma... I was gonna--

You get married,
you not tell me?

This is good fortune.
Big news!

Ma, don't yell.

Ow.

I not yell. I ask.

You two have
so many big secret,

why you not tell me
that you have wedding?

I need to--
Oh.

Dinner?

Crash for the night maybe?

I am sorry, Monsieur.

Strict orders.

You are no longer

part of the family.

I know you like my condo.

Have a party there,
go nuts.

Your father changed the locks,
Monsieur.

These keys no longer work.

[locks snapping shut]

Is there anything else
I should know?

I sat on
a golf ball once,

had to have it removed.

Jack...

My dad left
before I was born

so I have no idea
what he looks like.

Nor do I care.

I know.

Okay, listen...

John pushed me
off the tree fort

when we were nine.

But we never
talked about it

because, well,
he started ignoring me,

so whatever.

I'm over it.

What else do you want to know?

Are you in love with him?

Jack?

Are you--

Love's relative, Viv.

Who cares?

What? I care!

I'm not in love with him.

Viv, I'm not in love with him!

Lying.

Sorry, you mind cooking
for once, Viv?

Thanks.

You deserve to suffer,

but I can't stand
anyone eating garbage.

Sorry about giving you
a hard time today.

I might have deserved it.

Join me for that dinner now?

Funeral or fashion?

Performance artist.

Like what?

Like a mime?

[chuckles]
No. A beat poet.

You're shitting me?

Why?

That didn't take long.

Wait.

I'm sorry,

that's great.

Good for you.

Don't patronize me, John.

I know you can't imagine
any of us with a brain

or a personality.

That's not true.

I just-- we just, um...

we just never got around to it.

Yeah, second dates
aren't your thing.

I'm sorry
I didn't text back.

I'm sure
you're really interesting.

Oh, man.

Really interesting

for an incredibly hot,

really easy
waiter.

Man, you are such a dick.

Being hot doesn't exclude
having a purpose, you know.

Yeah.

I'm starting to get that.

You have a place
to sleep tonight?

And, no, that's not a come-on.
I do mean sleep.

I have a couch.

I'll be fine.

Okay.

Well...

good luck.

My name's Paul.

In case you were wondering,

at all.

Try not to be such an asshole
all the time.

See you around.

[♪♪♪]

Ready, kiddo?

Yup.

Hi.

[sighing]

What?

How do you know
where we live?

Your fiance works
for us, remember?

Hi.

Oliver.

I am your Uncle John.

I've heard a lot about you.

Well, I'm sorry
we didn't meet sooner.

What is going on?

Mom's sick of Dad's cooking.

Oli!

Viv!

You told me that Oli's Dad
was some...

really awesome dude

from some really classy--

John!

You know that Jack
is Oli's Father.

Please.

I'm not gonna tell you
my secrets!

Everyone says
I look like my Dad.

Okay.

You do.

You have a dad.

Great!

We're moving out, John.

Jack and I,

it's over.

He finally
told you?

Oli...

Can you get a cab?

But I have to
go to the bathroom.

No. You just went.

But the doctor said
whenever I want--

Oli, find a cab, now.

[grumbles]

Go.

[sighing]

Jack finally
told me what?

Why are you leaving again?

Why are you here?

I had to talk to Jack
for a second.

Oli, he's seeing
a doctor?

Don't change
the subject.

You don't even
know Jack.

Why are you here?

I don't know.

I guess, um,
I came for you.

For you.

Because I am out on my ass

and you're the only family
still talking to me.

Barely, but still.

No, Viv--

Yes, yes.
You need a place to stay.

Jack needs someone
to cook for.

[sighing]

Taxi, hey!

Oli!

Wait.

You're the only man
Jack ever wanted.

There.

I said it.

Good. Happy?

Okay.

What?

Viv... Viv!

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, what?

Hello!

Kindergarten.

Middle school,

high school.

What about them?

He ended up
working for you.

So? Lots of people
work for me, Viv.

He slept with your sister.

Once upon a time.

Look, he's the father
of your nephew.

Duh.

He's been dancing around,
arms flailing

for, like, decades,

he's just never had the balls
to talk to you.

Not that you deserve
any more adoration--

That doesn't
make any sense at all.

You've got, what, five million
friends online, Johnny.

I mean, who the hell
can compete with that?

You know, you could've told me.

Mom! Taxi!

No. No...

I am not a match-making
fruit-fly.

For once, figure something
out for yourself.

You don't deserve him, Johnny.

Ice cream in the freezer--

don't eat the mint chip.

I love you, Johnny,

for some reason, I do,

and Jack
is family, too, now, okay?

My family.

Treat him like caviar.

[♪♪♪]

[shower running]

Hello?

[shrieks]

Oh!

Ow!

You never seen
a naked man before?

What the hell?

Put some clothes on.
What is this?

What is with the apples, Jack?

Viv and Oli just left.

They said
I could crash here.

So, as long as you don't kill me
in the middle of the night,

I'll take the couch.

They're gone, Jack.

They moved out.

You should talk to her.

Get out.

What?

Get out.

Right now.

Hey, hey, hey,
remember 5th grade,

when I had a wedgie,
you helped.

I can't do stuff
for you people anymore!

If you can't afford to pay me,

why should I work?

"You people"
as in tall people?

Funny!

You said I make good coin?

You don't even know what
you pay your employees, John.

I live in a box!

What you see,
this is it,

and it's half
my freaking salary.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I guess I didn't...
I didn't mean...

For now,

I'll do your dishes.

Did you look at my proposal?

I'm sorry
I ate your ice cream.

Get out!

Jack!

Jack, I'll find it tomorrow.

I'll read it tomorrow,

then we can have
a meeting after.

We are not having a meeting.

Here's a recap--

the family that I've been
building a future for just left.

Get out,
and let me cry over it!

Jack, at least let me
get my clothes!

Out!

My underwear, then?

Jack!

Jack!

I didn't know
Oli was your kid, Jack!

I would've been more subtle
about the whole marriage thing.

[roars in frustration]

Eat your underwear,

you piece of shit!

I'm sorry!

[♪♪♪]

[buzzes door lock]

Oh, hey, sir.

Sorry, we lock up after hours.

Were you at the gym?

No, not tonight.

Egg roll?

No, I'm fine.

Have you seen
a red folder?

What... this?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, whoops, sorry,
I thought that was trash.

Recycling came by,
took the pages out,

about an hour ago.

No, no, no, no.

[chuckling] Gotcha.

Wow.

Sense of humor, eh?

Sorry, sir, if I could--

John,

you have
this look of guilt

every time
you come here.

You gotta just eat, sleep,
work, and play.

You know, relax a bit.

Like your dad,

he's great with that.

[chuckling]

Aw, I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to make it a thing.

It's Bruce, right?

I've been here
for, like, five years, man.

Yeah, I know,

it's a thing I have.

Oh, wow, are you on meds?

Sorry.

No, I mean,

I have trouble
remembering names.

It's Bruce.
Bruce Weber.

Like the photographer?

He's one of
the best male gay nude--

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, never mind.

Look, was I out of line?

You know, with the whole gay--

the guilt--

the guilt thing?

No.

No, I appreciate it, Bruce.

And good eye.

Eyes.

[chuckles]

I think I'm gonna go.

Hey...
how often do you eat Chinese?

It was on special.

Ma, we keep telling you,

you don't need to
buy so much stuff.

Ah, cheap, cheap.
No worry.

Buy more,
big discount.

Cannot eat so many.

Thanks.

I come here also

because I want to tell you
story of your father.

Ma, I don't think
I can handle it right now.

He not bad man.

Your Father...

actually,
he not even a man.

Wait,
what do you mean?

Jack, put the fish
in the bottom,

not in the freezer.

Must eat fresh.

What do you mean
he's not a--

Fish! Fridge! Now!

I'm getting flashes--

I'm coming out from a zoo.

You mind finishing your story?

Oh, not from zoo.
From jar.

Uh... 1983,

Beijing University,

first time
test-tube experiment.

They ask for volunteer

to put sperm
from refrigerator

into my--

Ooh... whoa.

I tell you this now,

because I see you marry
for wrong reason.

You choose
your own family.

You not have to be same
like everyone else.

[knock on door]

Hey, um...

I read your proposal,

and aside from some spelling--

Ooh, Mrs. Kang.

Hi.

Who are you?

Your neighbor.

From before.

Oh, uh,
John Jardine.

[chuckles]

Okay. I go.

Ma, you don't
need to--

Call me tomorrow, huh?

If I not buy dress
for wedding,

I spend money on vacation.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

That explains you
in a nutshell.

You brought
my towel back.

Thanks.

Jack, I am here
to brainstorm.

I'm not in the mood.

I've got a great idea--

John, I'm not in the mood.

My personal life
just swooshed down the toilet.

Well, we can talk personal,
because I listen.

[groaning]
Oh, gimme a break--

Here.

You know, up until
the other day,

I didn't even know
you were into me.

What have you got?

Cucumbers?
Zucchini?

I have cyanide.

Some Draino
underneath the sink?

You want some of that?

Mm, hot.

My mom just told me
I'm artificially inseminated.

Oh, you're making me wet.

I'm a communist lab experiment.

Practically inhuman.

It's, uh, why I'm not
attracted to you,

at all.

Yeah, I know,
what's to like?

Oops.

You're wasting my food.

Hmm.

You saw Grunge Buckets
without me.

That band from Surrey?

You took Davin Magee,

that... swizzlestick wench.

We were best friends.

You don't remember,
do you?

The concert?

Jack, that was,
like, ten years ago.

You think you can do
whatever you want

because you're rich,

and famous,

and beautiful,
and perfect, and--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, wake up.

Because no one gives a crap
about you, but you.

If you think all that,

then why did you want to
partner up with me?

'Cause you're rich
and beautiful,

and famous, and--

well, you're not perfect,

but you've always had
this thing for the unknown,

a passion for it.

It's a small part of you

that isn't wrapped up
in entitlement.

I see glimpses of it sometimes.

When you're not scared shitless

trying to prove to everyone else
what you are.

But that's about it.

I don't know
if I'm fantasizing,

but if seeing you for you

turns you on somehow,

you should really
stick around.

So you know,

there's a lot of Westernized
Chinese restaurants.

Good.

You're staying.

It's just
24-hour greasy crap.

So, instead of--

gentrifying
Chinese food,

as we've seen
for decades,

why not
make Western food Asian?

I mean, I'm not talking
food-truck fusion here.

I-I mean,
taking local staples

Chinese-style...

like Dim-Sum steamers
and, uh, sliders,

with Peking Duck
instead of hamburgers.

And what you showed me--

Dragon apple quail, huh?

You had it all along.

It's Asian flair,
it's screaming to come out.

You live
in North America, yeah,

but you're Chinese,

so why hide?

[chuckles]

That's awesome.

Can you cook
anything?

Grilled cheese?

I can work with that.

[♪♪♪]

[laughing]

That's nice.

Okay, okay...

[♪♪♪]

Fall of Rome.

Right here
and right now.

Plebes!

You're destroying everything
with your tolerance.

You're mixing metaphors
with melodrama, honey.

You're mixing me caring
with me being late for pilates.

What? Are you for real?

Vivienne!

You listen to me,

or you get out of
this house.

I have a say in that.

You have a child, Vivienne.

What's wrong with you?

Either get Jack
to marry you now,

or you tell Jack
to take a hike.

Men respond to tasks,

women respond
to feelings.

Mom, what does
that mean?

I don't know--

Quoting Dr. Cheval.

Who the hell is Dr. Cheval?

"Heck!" Vivienne.

"Heck!"

Mom, give me a break.

Shut up!

Shut up, shut up!

All of you.

What happened to this family?

Can we
run away again?

Yes.

You deal with this.

Your opinion would
matter more, Monique,

if they put voting booths
in your spa.

Dad...

It's not personal.

She's still dealing
with having you as a teenager.

She'll be fine.

Can I please just--

Go pee.

Dad...

I can't believe it's over.

Poor Oli.

I mean, somewhere in my heart,
I knew.

Jack was always
so fascinated

with any details
that included Johnny.

You know, it's just, you know,
when I was pregnant,

and Jack was willing--

I don't know,
something happened.

I just suddenly wanted
a real family.

Don't make regrets
for yourself, Vivienne.

Oliver's a great kid.

[sniffles and sighs]

No more wedding, kiddo.

You can't force things
the other way around.

We're all crazy, aren't we?

So help us.

Stop complicating.

Simplify.

Life's tough enough.

Although,
with John and Jack,

we may need
something different.

They're both going to
fight it for all it's worth.

Yup.

Maybe... drama would
work better for them.

And also, we should have
a little fun in life,

don't you think?

[groans doubtfully]

You deserve
a little revenge.

I have a secret weapon,

and she's crazy.

[tuning strings]

[telephone rings]

Well, hello.

Angela, how are you?

Excellent, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Sexy dreams in your head ♪

♪ Keep you lying in bed ♪

♪ Wishing the world away ♪

♪ Hiding under your covers ♪

♪ Dreams don't have to stop ♪

♪ Even after you wake up ♪

♪ Your love
don't have to knock ♪

♪ Ooh, 'cause baby
you fill my cup ♪

♪ Baby, I'm coming up ♪

♪ To all the little things
that you want me to ♪

♪ 'Cause I love, I love you ♪

♪ And my, how it's multiplying ♪

♪ I'm flying ♪

♪ You are rubber
and I am glue ♪

♪ But I gotta say, baby
I'll stick to you ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't get enough ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, you...
baby, you fill my cup... ♪

[♪♪♪]

[cell phone rings]

Chad and Michael party.
You come?

Marco, it's John's mother.

What?

What you want?

I need you to stop John.

So you want me
give John massage now?

Marco, listen,

if the wedding goes as planned,

keep John away from us.

Can you do it?

Okay, okay,
so now you want me find John,

stop wedding,

No, not the wedding, stop John.

And then... massage?

Well, whatever,

just make sure John doesn't
come near the wedding.

Okay.

I find John.

I stop him.

[giggles]

Call you back.

Why are you so mean?

You know
what a shrink is, Oliver?

Five minutes, sit.

100 calories, huh?

Start young.

A "shrink" is a doctor,

a doctor who told me

to let your mother run.

This feels funny.

Now, listen up,

and I'm only gonna
be saying this once.

You hate me.

No. No, I happen to
like you a lot,

but I can't let
anyone else know that,

do you understand?

Your Mother would have had
too much pressure if she stayed,

and I wanted a grandchild,

and you are it.

So, you couldn't just tell her?

I had my own excrement
to deal with.

Understand?

Your dad's side,

your other family,

left a lot
to be desired.

I should say leaves--

leaves a lot
to be desired.

But what about
Uncle John?

Can't he
have babies, too?

Well, that's
a different conversation,

about the birds and the...

Bees?

No, no, birds.

We'll talk more tomorrow.

[chuckling]
Mm-mm-mm.

Don't test me.

[groans groggily]

Johnny?

Johnny?

John?

John, this isn't--

[sighs]

Marco, what are you doing?

Stop following me.

Your mommy
want you happy.

You texted me.

I think I owe you one,

a promise.

I...

stole it
from your restaurant.

I help you
with your box,

if you help me
with my mast.

[yawning]

Is there a porn star
teaching you English?

Man, I can carry
my own groceries.

[♪♪♪]

[breathing deeply]

[elevator dings]

[chanting softly]

Om mani padme om...

[clears throat]

Jardine's
is Jardine's, kiddo,

nothing Asian about it.

It's not about
changing the company, sir.

I was thinking a subsidiary.

Are you marrying Vivienne?

Don't think I can, sir.

You could.

But I won't.

You should.

A four-bedroom in Steveston.

Here's my advice.

The man that has come
between you and Vivienne,

he's a pickle,

next to a burger.

Whether you eat him or not,
he's just a garnish,

nothing to do
with the main meal.

Can we talk about real food?

Vivienne loves you.

And as I recall,
she hates pickles.

Please, Vivienne's not--

Welcome to the family.

Take the house,

forget the recipes.

I'll promote you to the office.

Office?

But I'm a chef.

Wait, no.

I can't keep this.

Mr. Jardine, I'm thinking

an Asian restaurant
serving Western food,

old-school Hong Kong, I know,

but it's high-end.

"Dim Sum chic."
Casual fine dining.

Chinese-style.

French cuisine fusion--

coq au vin, rice, noodles,

I've got, like,
1,000 recipes in my head.

All right, Jack, all right.

Cater the wedding,
show me what you can do.

Wait, what?

We'll talk subsidiary later.

[beeps intercom]
Candice.

Yes, Mr. Jardine.

Get me a quote
on wedding planners,

guest list, invitations,

for tomorrow, noon.

Uhh, tomorrow's
not gonna be enough--

Who's the wedding for, sir?

Vivienne and this Jack Gaang,

and, uh, make sure
the team draws up a pre-nup.

Right away.

Meet Vivienne,

3:00, Jardine's.

And stop scrooging,
young man.

Buy her some flowers.

[♪♪♪]

Hi.

Thanks for the flowers.

Can you bring the bottle?

Right on.

Preenie.

Sign there.

Why'd you run?

It's what I do.

You sure
you want to do this?

Cold feet.

You had yours,
and I had mine.

Yeah, but...

What're you getting
out of this?

A family.

A feeling.

We'll always have a family.

Me, you, and Oli
will always be related.

[quickly] He's not yours.

Oliver's not your son.

Excuse me, what?

[burps]

Totally not related.

Where's your, um...
where's the wine?

What?

I'm looking for a waiter.

I'm looking
for a cleaver.

Jack...

Don't "Jack" me.

I watch soap operas.
You got to be kidding.

Yeah, you were drunk
that night, too,

but there was
someone else...

some loser party-crasher
from the 'burbs.

I think it was Burnaby.

I was, what, 19? 20?

Okay, 21.

I panicked.

We were friends.

You happened to be Chinese, too,
and I needed you.

Um, Oli doesn't know.

Probably
don't want to weird him out

with that stuff right now.

What the hell, Viv?
I feel sick.

Okay, okay. Jack...

Calm down.

Calm down!

I'm totally kidding.

What?

I was testing you.

To see
if this was about Oli.

But, no, he's, uh,
he's definitely yours.

Actually, maybe.

Uh, not sure.

Don't know.

I was drunk, too.
Um...

So, how do you feel?

Oh, ah...

Jack, hello.

[inhales]

Ah!

[laughs nervously]

Welcome to Jardine's.

Enjoy.

Look, I had to know
if it was just about Oli, okay?

Doing it for the kid.

No more guilt.
We got to do this one clean.

Jack, it's like we said, right?

My parents,
they're old-school...

I mean,
the prenup, the marriage,

the contracts, the paperwork.

[mix of sobbing and laughing]

We're gonna have fun together.

The wedding's gonna be awesome.

[laughs]

Times you want a twist-off.

Look, I'm sorry that I lied.

About, um.... lying.

[smashing glass]

I wanted to know.

Are you running
towards something you want?

Hmm?

Jack?

Or are you just running?

Either way, I'm here.

Jack...

don't do this
'cause you're scared.

Oh...

I'm not scared.

Not of the wedding.

It's getting married...

to you...

that's freaking me out.

Can I have some?

Bathroom need a queer-eye.

What're you doing?

You don't like?
I take off now.

Oh, my God. No. No.
Leave it on.

[door opens]

Hey.

He carried my groceries.

I shave his parsnips.

Peeled.
You peeled my parsnip.

There's no "S"
in parsnip.

Jack.

I don't care.
Do whatever.

I'm getting married.

Your dad said "yes"
to the recipes.

He's partnering up with me.

I'm not sure
you're in on the thing.

Who designs this crap?

Can you not
be passive aggressive?

I want "happy ever after,"
John.

I give happy
ending all time.

Marco!

You want commitment?

I mean, we just had sex
for the first time.

John, you slut.

Marco? Get out.

I just say truth!

Get out.
Get out.

Okay!

Fine.

You ever heard of dating?

Yes, I have.

And nothing
is happening here.

Where were you this morning?

Downtown.

You left.

You didn't stay for coffee.

I would've considered
that a date.

You don't have beans.

They're in the freezer.

I am sending movers.

Jack!

You keep demonizing me

because of
your own insecurities.

I went to the restaurant,
to get ingredients for us.

'Cause all you had
was Chinese stuff

and we needed the basics.

Look, for the first time,

I'm actually feeling something.
I'm building something.

You don't get it, do you?

I can't get something
that you're not saying.

I can't share
a kitchen with you.

I know you work hard.

Not my point.

Yeah, you got good taste,

spent money on your palate,
travelling, eating.

But you have no clue
how it feels

to slice a tomato when it's raw,

as opposed to boiled or baked.

How that translates
to how it sits on a plate,

or in a bowl,
or in a Bloody Mary, even.

Okay, so tomatoes
have feelings?

The way people drink, eat,
a communion...

how the tomato feels
on the inside,

when it becomes
a part of our bodies.

Until you see all that, you...

you can't respect,
appreciate even,

what a kitchen,
what my kitchen has to offer.

Ingredients aren't just things
to stuff your face with, John.

We're alive.

We have feelings.

20 years...

I was obsessed...

pretty much in love with you...

thought maybe you cared,

but you just didn't know
how to show it.

I care, Jack.

I'm here, aren't I?

You challenge me.
You throw shit at me.

You fight back.

You're different and cool.

And I don't want to be
different and cool!

I don't want to throw
shit back anymore!

I want love back!

You're going through
some life change,

trying to find meaning...

like, correcting
the spelling mistakes

in my recipes for cooking?

Do you even see what you do?

You should find what
you're looking for first, John.

Then maybe one day,
you can text me.

You'll be married!

To my sister!

Dreams take sacrifices.

And I'm not gonna give that up
on, what, a one-night stand?

By the way...

you can say parsnips
with an "S."

There is a plural.

Surprised you didn't know that.

Why so serious, John?

You peel me?

Do you offer
anything else, Marco?

Ever?

You want scissor?

No. I don't want scissors.

Fine. I shave myself.

Is he real with himself...

ever?

He try to make life better.

He have good heart.

Well, maybe
that's the problem.

Hey. Don't move.

Why you not take him
to Garage Bucket?

It's "Grunge Buckets,"

and honestly, I didn't even know
he was into music back then.

He like music
because you like music.

Friendship like that
sometimes.

But also, when he was young,
I poor, he cannot afford.

Shit.

Well...

Come, I finish. Look.

Wow.

That... nice.

It's not always about you.

You know, back in homeland,
when I was young,

very miserable.

Heart not peaceful.

So I try to be
like other women,

have baby.

Then I make new home,
have son.

Now I happy.

Today is different.

You love who you love,

but you live life
any way you want.

No one force you.

But two people must talk.

Sometimes,
three people must talk,

but always,
you must create your own life.

[banging]

Viv!

Viv? Viv!

No, Viv!
Viv, don't do it.

Guys, come on.

I know you can hear me.

Dad. Dad!

Mom.

Let me in.

[alarm blares]

Johnny...

Dad...

Yes?

Would you stop
fooling around, please?

I just want to come home.

Monique, honey,
can you turn that thing off?

[Monique]:
Where's the button?

It's the one that says "O-F-F."

Look, I don't know
what else to do.

You left yesterday.

Yeah, but all I've got

is this expensive taste
you gave me.

[alarm turns off]

[sighs]

I don't have any skills,
assets, any real friends, even.

All I do is criticize
everything and...

Listen to yourself.

What?

Gratitude, kiddo!

John, that's all we ask.

Well, you worked
your ass off, I know.

I'm grateful, Dad.

You never think
about the future, kid.

Maybe it's 'cause
you're gay.

[laughs]

That's offensive,
you know.

I'm talking about you.
That's all.

Whether you end up marrying
or having a kid...

no matter.

You've never thought
about paying it forward.

It's not healthy, Son,

to just feel good
all the time.

You've got to give to get.

The wedding's tomorrow.

Jack's at his mother's.

Do what you will.

It is your life, after all.

[♪♪♪]

[thunder rolls]

[rain starts to fall]

[knocking]

Jackie, someone here.

[Jack]: I've made up
my mind, John.

I know.

You're not invited.

We'll have you to dinner
at the house sometime.

It'd be nice for Oliver
to know his Uncle.

All right.

I can't believe this.

If you're here to judge me
on my choices, get out.

I love Vivienne.
She is my best friend.

That's who you marry.

Just...

pretend, for a minute,
that we're both straight. Okay?

I know that that is a reach,
but work with me.

And I'm your good buddy,

giving you advice

on your whole big, straight,
dream wedding,

night-before type thing.

You don't marry
your best friend, Jack!

That is settling.

Don't settle.
It won't last.

She's also
the mother of my son.

Yes, and she's been that
for the last ten years

without marriage.
It's...

And what, are you the expert
on straight marriage now, too?

Okay, I get that
it can't be all about me.

Okay?

I have heard you all
loud and clear.

So, please,
even if we never kiss again,

even if it's not about
me and you,

let it be about you.

I'm chasing my dream.

Bullshit.

I have had great sex with you.

I don't believe for one minute
that this is your dream.

I mean, the house
in the 'burbs, maybe.

The son is a done deal.

The restaurant, absolutely.

And you're not
in that picture.

I know! Not me!

But someone
who loves you...

not "friends" style, Jack!

Not friend style.

Do it all, Jack,

but do it with someone
who loves you

the way
you deserve to be loved.

You can't stuff your true self
in this box

to make other people happy,

and do it
and pretend it's required

to achieve your goals.

Your mom said it to me
earlier...

"Now, you live life
any way you want."

She loves you,

and she doesn't want this
for you either.

So do it your own way, Jack.

You are beautiful,

and talented, and perfect.

I know I blew it.

So...

I am so sorry that it took me
so long to figure it out.

So don't do it for me.

Do it for you...

the real you.

Okay? The real dream.

The one
you can't tell anybody about.

The one I glimpsed
the other day.

Do it for yourself, Jack.

Please.

Bye, Johnny.

See yourself out.

These were supposed
to be outside 20 minutes ago.

Do you mind bringing them out?

Yes, sir.

Don't quit your day job.

Stop eating, then.

You are in the weeds.
I'm hungry.

It's amazing, Boss.

What're you talking about?

We have costume for you, hello.

You like? Yeah.

[John grunts awake]

Wedding! No!

John, John! No handcuff!

Stop!

I love you!

John! Stop!

Where's Uncle John?

Why can't you marry him?

You're stupid
when you talk about him.

Hey.

You're stupid, too
when you don't.

You'll learn one day, Oli.

You can't be stupid
all the time.

Lucky!

Come on.

[Wedding March plays]

We are gathered here today...

Whoa, what?

Jack...

We're starting, okay?

We're gathered here today

to join this... couple
in holy matrimony.

Johnny!

[yelling]

[barking]

[squeals]

[yelling]

Jack! Don't do it!

No. Oh, no!

[crashing, breaking glass]

Oof! Oh! Stop the wedding!

Keep going.

[Marco shrieks]

Jack, what else do you need?

He's everything
you ever wanted...

What're you doing?

And he's here.
He's stopping your wedding.

[thwack]

Part of the plan.

What plan?

Mom, it's okay.

No plan, no plan!

Just... don't worry about it.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Johnny, no, please.

Mom. I am in love.

Let it go.

No! No!

Please.

Don't worry...

Jack?

Mm... mm.

Now, that... was the icing.

No house in the 'burbs.

That's all I ask.

We're moving in now?

But we just had sex
for the first time.

What? He did text me.

Grunge Buckets,
final run, 2002.

Freeze-dried apples,
for when you get mad at me.

And...

stickers for all the crap
you go thru at work.

Don't get too grateful, though.

It's partly selfish.

We're starting
a partnership, right?

Right.

And...

I might be
falling in love with you,

but brace yourself,

'cause I'm probably
pretty bad at it.

Where do I sign up?

Right here,
right on the...

[muffled laugh]

Yeah.

Dad.

Sir, I...

You okay with me,
uh, working again?

I was thinking
I could help Jack out.

It's called dating, Johnny.

No.

No, not just that.
I...

I think
Jack can head a restaurant.

And I can be there for him,
front of house.

For us.

As long as he's cooking.

[laughs]

[Monique]: Vivienne,

when I had my wedding,
we actually...

Oh, Mom...

You know, Dad wanted this.
Besides you, everyone's fine.

Right, Oli?

You enjoy the show?

Mm-hmm?

Mom, that's the cake.

Mom!

Mom, that's disgusting.

Um...

Everyone? Thank you.

To John Apple Jack.

[Crowd]:
To John Apple Jack.

Cheers.

Cheers!

[♪♪♪]

♪ On this night ♪

♪ I reach my arms out to you ♪

♪ And in these hands ♪

♪ I lift my heart up for you ♪

♪ And all this time ♪

♪ I've waited ♪

♪ Just to see the face ♪

♪ Of the one who brings love ♪

♪ To my soul ♪

♪ I want to be real ♪

♪ I want you to feel ♪

♪ The cry of my heart ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I want to receive ♪

♪ All that you have for me ♪

♪ You're the cry of my heart ♪

♪ And all this time ♪

♪ I thought that I could fly ♪

♪ And all this time ♪

♪ I thought that I could do it
on my own ♪

♪ And all this time ♪

♪ I've waited ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ I've waited ♪

♪ For someone to bring love ♪

♪ To my soul ♪