Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser (2015) - full transcript

Grand Canyon ain't nothin'.

Being a grandfather or a father now that's
harder than being the Grand Canyon.

lt's just a hole sitting there doing nothing.

Okay, but are you even okay without
havin' a Grand Canyon?

Or should we just kick some sand up all
over it and fill it up like a cat box?

Shit.

All l'm sayin' is the Grand Canyon is

where Joe was left that very day.

Yo Ebony lvory? You talkin' about Joe Dirt?

-Yeah.
-l know a little something about Joe Dirt.

Stopped into an old radio station l worked
a few years back.



Stayed for it must have been a week.

Wove some bat-shit crazy tale.

So bat-shit he should have hung upside
down from the ceiling when he was telling it.

l remember a big kid bigger heart.

Sure you know l'm not saying the lQ
wasn't subterranean.

l mean that intellect was barely
skimming the treetops.

Now l ain't saying that l ain't
in "agree-ence" with you.

But somewhere in thereʼ
the speechifying you makingʼ

it just ain't sounded right.

Hey John C-minus Reilly.

lt's not "agree-ence" it's "agreematude".

And by the way what's with the mouth
for God's sakes?

The teeth look like a half-completed
Lego project.

What are you gargling with M-80s?



Are those deciduous teeth? l'm waiting
for them to change color fall out

and float down to the Grand. Who's your
orthodontist Moe Howard with

a ball-peen hammer?

l mean for God's sakes man. lt looks like
Willie Stargell took a bat to your mouth.

Now listen JD has got himself in
another bind here.

But why not let the boy tell ya his own taleʼ
in his own way?

Let's drop that needle guys.

Whoa whoa whoa. Wait a second.

That's a sweet song l get the thematicsʼ
but this is Joe Dirt.

We're gonna start this puppy offʼ
we gotta go old school. Try it again guys.

Hello.

l'm Dirt. l'm Joe Dirt.

Those look like pretty comfortable
shoes you got on there.

My boots don't feel so good but
they're like magical or something.

Look cracker don't you be talking
no Forrest Gump

crap to me you little bitch waffle.

Sittin' there talkin' all that honky-ass
whiney crap likeʼ

"Mama said life is like a box of chocolates."

Boy sittin' next to you for even

ten seconds makes me feel like l should take
a shower in a bath full of Clorox.

Shit.

Mullet head.

lf l said "hi" to you you're not going to
call me like a dumb crap Forrest Gump

or something will you?

Well let's play it by ear.

Are you waiting on the seven
cross-town bus?

Fair enough.

No l'm just waitin' for the concert
to be over over there. l tidy up after.

-Tidy up?
-Dirty yeah. l'm sort of you know a roadie.

You travel with the bands and you
pack up their equipment after concerts

-and their amplifiers and stuff?
-Yeah exactly. But no not per se.

l don't travel with them.
Mostly l mop up after they're done.

Like l clean up the poop and the barf
and things. And your occasional fart items.

And peepee you know whatnot.

So you don't actually travel with themʼ
and such. Not a roadie.

No exactly. l don't know where
that started yeah.

-Now we're on the same page.
-Why aren't you in thereʼ

-watching them perform?
-Wellʼ

l ain't exactly allowed in the building
during the concerto if you will.

But if there is a diarrhea emergency or
something l get to go in and clean it up.

And l can hear a little bit.
So there are some perks.

l enjoy my job. 'Cause if people have
a hard week and they wanna rock out

at a concert l like to help you knowʼ
picking up their garbage and bodily fluidsʼ

just so they can relax.
They can thank me later.

They don't. But that's cool.

lt don't stop me from being All ln All
The Time. You know how it is yeah.

So much has been happening to me
that l don't even understand it all.

lt's all just happening
way above my pay grade.

Above zero? Just kidding.

-Sorry that was rude.
-That's a good one. You got me.

That's pretty much how it is. Seeʼ
my new story picks up after my first storyʼ

and yet it goes back to the day l was born.

Well you've got me intrigued.
And l don't see the bus coming nearby so

start at the beginning.

lt starts where every good thing in my life
ever got started.

Silvertown.

Man that's the greatest town ever.

And today was the best day ever.
Man, l was marrying Brandy.

Hey! Come here get down!

It was like I was dreamin'.

Brandy knew me better than l knew myself.

Like, she knew that I didn't know what
seven times seven was.

l mean, yeah,
now I know that it's 77, but still.

She knew me.

And just when l thought it couldn't
get any better, it did.

Joe...

We were gonna have a baby.

Morning sickness came on fast.

Get it out.

But Brandy was a real trooper about it.

And then the big day arrived.

Joe honey? How are you doing?

Yeah yeah l'm doing good baby.
l'm doing good.

Please make her smart like Brandy.
Please make her smart like Brandy.

-Don't make her dumb like me.
-Joe?

What?

l don't know what to do. Just tell me if
there's something l need to help you with.

-Honey honey breathe. Okay?
-Yeah.

-ln and out. That's it.
-Oh man.

We're gonna see our baby real soon.

l hope she looks like you.

Shut up!

l mean shut up because noʼ
please she has to look like you baby.

Don't waste a favor. What if God listens?
You can't...

You are the most handsomest man
that l have ever seen.

Baby l think them drugs
put your eyeballs to sleepʼ

because you don't know what you're saying.

All right let's take a look.

Centimeter dilation looks just about right.

Hey Doc are you smoking?

Was it the cigarette that
gave it away Sherlock?

-Doctor girl?
-Mister may l call you Brandy?

Because l feel like once l've seen your
muff we should be on a first name basis.

Okay this exchange doesn't sound too
"doctorish" to me.

How cool. Did you go to med school?

No l did not.

So you don't know how doctors talk.
l thought maybe you did

the way you sounded all confident about our
exchange not sounding doctor-like.

My Joe went to the school of hard knocks

but graduated with honors.
Please treat him with respect.

That's nice Brandy ya always say
the nicest stuff about me.

Well l can't help myself baby.

Well well our little girl is crowning.
You're about to meet your baby.

-Hear that baby?
-l love her so much already!

Miss? Hold on a second.

Sue l think there's another baby up in there.

-Did l hear there's probably another baby?
-Hey we're in a meeting.

Hey Doc l just wanna... Whoa.
Jackpot! Give me some!

-What?
-lt's a medical term.

lt's a medical term it don't sound like one.

Wow! Did you go to med school?

-No we went over this earlier.
-Hey Doc l do see another baby in there.

Although l'm no baby expert.

-You ain't no expert?
-l wanted to get in on this one as soon as

l heard it was gonna be Brandy-Boo
up here in these here stirrups.

-What's that?
-Get out of here man.

What are you doing? Don't talk that way.

-Oh shit.
-What now? What's the matter?

-There's three up in there.
-Three what?

Three babies dumbass.

-l told you. l told you.
-Well l see them now.

Excuse me.

Today is the day when these tiny
little lives begin theirjourney

that God willing will outlast everybody
in this room.

Joe and l would appreciate it if you would
show the proper reverence.

Baby that's so good. She got the speeches
down. That's poetry right there.

You're my little MLK baby.

This Brandy chick is pure gold.
lnside and out.

A woman like that loving a man like him.
l must have misjudged this fool.

What do you say we deliver these babies?

Wow. Martin Scorsese couldn't compose
a better shot.

What more could a guy ask for?

That wasn't it.

Hey what did Brandy just say?
Let's deliver us some babies.

You got it Joe Dirt.

Give us some room. Three babies comin' up.

-Push! Push!
-You got this. Come on. You can do it!

Are they talking?

Congratulations you have triplets!

What?

Brandy you hear that? We got us a little
NASCAR pit crew. l'm so happy.

Joe it's sweet that you wanna name them
Brandy Junior Brandy Brandyʼ

and Brandy 2.0 the Special Editionʼ
but they need real names.

You're right. You're the brains of the outfit.
All right how about this l've been thinking

-Def Lep Skynyrd and Seger.
-Joe! Be serious.

l know. The Def Lep one is wrong.
That's no good. All right how about this?

383 Magnum 440 Magnumʼ
and 426 it's a Hemi.

lt's a Hemi. Everyone loves a Hemi.

Joe l am naming them.

All right you constructed themʼ
you did all the work.

You made 'em perfect and amazing.
What do you got?

Cheyenne Abilene and Dakota.

So perfect. You're so good at thisʼ
three for three.

-Yeah?
-You did good.

Look at 'em.

So everything was good.

Sure there were some bumps.

Like this local guy, Jimmy Yauch.
Man, he was worse than Robby.

What you doing over there?

Makes the smoke minty fresh.

What are you a scientist now?

No l drive a truck for Kipper's tow yard.
l thought you knew that.

And you suck what? l didn't hear that.

First of all no and second who's
feeding you all this false information?

Well that would be your mother son.

l think you better stop. You better stop now.

'Cause like Omar sayʼ
"You come at the king you best not miss."

-But l didn't come at you.
-Anyways boys l been working on a song.

About the hottest shorty boo that ever
did walk the face of the Earth.

And l'm telling you this right now.
Brandy one day she will be mine.

Now this l swear.

Check this out.

l'm a son of a gun
not a box of six-gun repeaters

I'm a backdoor man
not just some Walmart greeter

l'm rocking a double five-five wiener

Looking for Brandy's love meter

Damn it l know l suck. l ain't got no poetry.

See with a girl like Brandyʼ
you got to have some poetry in you.

But it's a catch-22.

Because a woman like that
puts the poetry in you.

Damn it to 'Frisco. l hate poetry.
l can't stand poetry.

Damn Joe Dirt. lt ain't right!

lt ain't right. lt should be me man.
lt should be me and not Joe Dirt.

Sorry about that guitar thing man.
lt got out of hand.

lt is what it is.

We all have our cross to bear.

Mine is Joe piece of Dirt.

Jimmy, that dude was trouble
waiting to happen.

But my girls, man, look at them.
They was growing like weeds.

Three beautiful flowers.

Yeah, more flowers than weeds. Forget
weeds. They was growin' like flowers.

But deep down inside, l was feeling like,
who was l to be happy, you know?

'Cause I was always nervous, feeling like
it could all go away.

Turns out l was right to be worried, because
soon it all started unraveling on me.

l got this job as a logger, and one day, it all
started coming crashing down on me.

It came down real bad.

Eleven-footer.

Yeah. Yeah.

Luke l am your logger.

You can't hear it but it was funny.
All right here we go.

lt's sticking.

That's lunch.

l think l cut 66 logs so far man.

Probably get a good price down at the mill.

-Hey Dirt?
-Yep.

-You strong?
-You know it.

Pick that up.

Kinda walked into that one didn't l? Yeah.

Hey Dirt. You look like Elmer Fudd
in that hat.

Shit more like Elmer Fudgepacker.

Yeah that guy in the cartoons.
Yeah l guess. Looking stupid yeah.

l seem to have forgotten my lunchʼ

maybe you could give me the apple core
when you're done with it?

Nah you can't have that boy.

l do have something for ya. Here you go.

Mind if l join ya? l got one for ya.
Come on dirty Dirt. Come on.

l got one. l got one for a face to
land on myself.

A little up close and person...

Boy that one has got sauerkraut.

Hey little logger boy.

Sexy Joe. These boys giving you trouble?

No Missy we're just funning around.

Can you keep a secret?

-Yeah l guess so.
-Then keep this a secret.

That secret had some secret sauce in it.

How was hers the worst one?
Oh man Missy.

l still got some meth gas left inside.

Get this guy a paper towel.

You're right kraut. Can you read farts boy?

Tell me what l had for supper last night.

All right that's it man.
22 times ain't funny no more.

ls this where you wanna be when Jesus
comes back? Fartin' in Joe Dirt's face?

l will take my chances.

Daddy?

Why are they farting on you?

And right there, it started to dawn on them
that their dad,

the dad they used to think was Superman,
wasn't no Superman.

He was a loser. He was just Joe Dirt.

Y'all leave him alone.

Stop farting into his face or there's more
whoop-ass where that came from.

-Missy!
-What? l have a medical condition.

Scram girl!

l can't catch a break.

Honey are you all right?

Yeah Brandy. l can take care of myself.

l don't need you kicking
these guys' butts for me.

l know you can take care of yourself baby.
Of course you can.

And that was it. They saw right through me.

l'm just the boy who was left at
the Grand Canyon.

Like some empty popsicle wrapperʼ
you know? Like cherry or lemon-lime.

Orange is another flavor...

You see now l never invented
something great.

l didn't do anything like that.
l didn't invent antigravity or

Snausages or them "Back off Jack!"
Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

Those are cool. l wish l did.

l just thought if l was rich or famousʼ
you know then l could make 'em proud

and then they'd love me for real.

Joe that's ridiculous! You love themʼ
they love you. Go tell them it'll be fine.

l can't.

'Cause everything just went awayʼ
like l knew it would.

You know one time when l was growing upʼ
l was in one of my many foster homes

and they had a guy come speak to usʼ

and he was super smartʼ
he was wearing glasses and everything.

He said something that stuck with meʼ
l'll never forget it.

He said "Revolutions never happen in
countries where things get so bad

"that people can't take it anymore."

No. "Revolutions happen when things
just get a little bit better."

People get a taste of what
they've been missing.

And l got that.

l got my family and now it's gone.

-Gone what happened?
-Well this is the part of the story

where it gets really weird.

There was a storm coming. Man, a big storm.

A "mess up your hair really bad" storm.

Get into the basement. Come on!
Cover your eyes!

-lt's all going to be okay!
-Cover your eyes!

-Come on girls.
-Basement. Go babe.

Come on babies hurry.

-Daddy l'm scared.
-lt's just wind. l know baby it's just wind.

Daddy my princess tiara.
l left it in the trailer.

-lt's okay. lt'll be there tomorrow honey.
-But it was a birthday present from Daddy.

-l'll go get it.
-No. Don't go.

l'll get it. lt's okay baby. l'm Superman.
l'll be back.

Daddy be careful. We love you!

Be careful Joe.

Come on. Hurry!

Dang that twister's getting close!

Yeah this one is for real.

Please don't scratch my car!

Hi Daddy.

Girls what happened to the storm?

What are you talking about loser?
Go make us some cash like Kanye.

Treat us like North.

Cow?

Sock him in the jaw. He's all yours.
He's all yours.

Back him up back him up. Knock him down.

l'm gonna whup you 'til you ain't nothin'
but loose bones and loose change...

Oh crap.

You see that? Y'all see what happened?

A trailer come out of the skyʼ
and lands on Lucky Louie.

Lucky Louie's dead.
That could have been any one of us.

What happened?

You done killed the most vicious leader
to ever head up the Smokin' Jokers.

You killed Lucky Louie with just one house.

No no man. l didn't kill nobody.
l was spinning in the twister

-and it was a bad storm it threw me.
-What storm?

lt was black clouds now it's all
tweet-tweet. l don't know what happened.

You killed Lucky Louie and now you're
our new leader.

Long as you wear theseʼ

we go where you goʼ
and we ride where you ride.

Oh man these are nice.
The ruby's a little fruity but l'll take them.

Name's Foggle. What's your name brother?

Joe. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirtay.

Which is it?

-Joe Dirt.
-You all hear that?

-All hail Joe Dirt.
-All hail Joe Dirt.

You guys ain't gonna fart on me are you?

Long story short we stomped those three
dudes so badʼ

they got to take their boots off to piss.

Anyway that kinda ass-kicking fun is
an everyday thing for us

and now you get to tell us who to kickʼ
and in which ass.

All right man.

Well kind of like monkey seeʼ
monkey do l like that.

Okay. How about this? l need a vetʼ
'cause these puppies are sick.

l need a vetʼ
'cause these puppies are sick.

Not bad l'm a good leader.

But l'm actually not. l'm no good.

l know l couldn't lead a colony of ants
to a melting Hershey Bar to be honestʼ

believe me l've tried.

But l do have three daughters l want you
to meet.

l've got a pretty wife l'll bring her down.
We'll all have fun maybe brunch.

And by the way you knowʼ
all the kids stuff blah blah.

So no talking about fightingʼ
and drinking and spittingʼ

and punching and kicking you get it.
'Cause you knowʼ

that kind of violent imagery for a childʼ
l don't want.

Besides this is the year 201 5 l don't know
about even a motorcycle "gang" fighting...

"201 5"? lt's not 201 5. lt's 1 965.

No l'm sayin' now is 201 5 June 201 5.

No it's definitely Juneʼ
but it ain't no 201 5 Mr. Dirt.

This is June 1 965.

June 1 965? Well if that's true l'd be running
around in diapies that's when l was born.

l don't got no diapies on.

But anyway l like it hereʼ
and l wanna meet everybody.

And l think as a new leaderʼ
l'm gonna name everybody.

'Cause you know gangs have nicknames.
l think that's fun. l'm gonna start in the back.

You think l'm ignoring you?
Back there you got sort of a beak

on your nose like a little bit like a bird.

What's a funny bird name?
"Bird" is not that's too uninteresting.

A mean one is vulture. You're Vulture
from now on if anyone asks you okay?

Let's look around the room.

All right here we goʼ
there's Mean Marvin No Soap Samʼ

Douche Bag Jolly Mean Giant Church
Burner Fruit Loop Palm Treeʼ

Crazy Eyes Dopey lnky more like Stinky.

We got Pillow Biter Reload No Nutʼ

Momma Hates You Gooey Load Queefieʼ

Jock Strap Jonny okay Tea-Bagger Vanceʼ

Nucky Futzʼ

Charlie Dog Super Dumb there's
Going to Hell there's Gary.

Con Artist Connie One Eye Two Eyeʼ

Two Eyes is no good.
Everybody has two eyes right?

l'm running out.
Porn Stash Little Killer Medium Killerʼ

Flat Ass Boogie Oogie Cherʼ
Mitch the Bitch Knee Caps No Teeth.

-Knock knock. Who's there? You're Ugly.
-"Ugly"?

That whole thing is your nickname.

And you are l forgot you Foggle.
How about Lead Singer of Blue Oyster Cult.

You'll get that one. That's funny.
You seen him? You get it good.

Maybe the bass player it's exact.

Anyway as your new leaderʼ
l command ye to roll up your sleevesʼ

and let's do some charity work.
Let's do some good for once you know?

Let's get out there and help because that's
where we wanna be when Jesus comes back.

Who's with me? Come on now let's do this.

You hear that everybody?

That little queer wants us to
help people in need.

Yeah?

ls that queer man? ls that queer?
Think this is queer?

Yes.

What?

Well next time don't make it a question.

You're all like "ls this queer?"

So that just walks you right into the answerʼ
which is yes.

Just make it a statement dumbass.

Yeah? What about...

Yeah hey Foggle you're strong.

Strong smellin' yeah. Got ya hold 'em up.
Hold 'em up.

-Got ya good.
-lt took you that long to think of that?

To be honest l thought of it about
a week ago and then

l've been waiting to use it.

But l didn't think l would.
lt's been in the chamber loaded upʼ

and guess who got it? You.

Guess what else? l got your boots.

You think you're gonna get 'em back?
Not quite termite.

-Give us those boots.
-l'm running away. Good luck catching me.

Which way am l going?

Get back here!

You ain't man enough to wear those boots.
You know that Joe Dirt.

You ain't nothing.
You know that in your heart.

We will track you to the gates of hell.

-Let's go.
-Yeah.

Stupid Foggle.

What a dumb name. He needs a cool nameʼ
like Joe Dirtay.

Hey Foggle.

Why don't you go play Boggle?

God dang that's so funnyʼ
why didn't l say it?

l think of all the good ones too late.

Well l got my tennis shoesʼ
and his stupid boots!

Well l don't need these sneakers no more.

Fetch that Boggle!

Man it usually takes me 27 times. Nice.

Hey how come ya threw your sneakers up
over that power line?

-Why? You've never seen that before?
-No silly head!

Silly head 1 965.

l must've travelled through some sort of
vortex and tumbled through timeʼ

like a time traveler.

l don't know what's happening.

But l'll tell ya that happens in the future.

We find out carbs are bad for yaʼ
just a heads up.

Hey. You really from the future?

Yeah man.

Maybe you should move down to Louisianaʼ
help me start my fishing business!

You and l together man we could catch
a lot of shrimp!

l mean there's rock shrimp Atlantic shrimpʼ
salt shrimp boo-boo shrimp tater shrimpʼ

shrimp on a stick shrimp remoulade shrimp
in your pasta you know what fuck shrimp!

Okay so no on the shrimp biz?

What's the situation with your hair?

Did l call your number?

Are we in a deli?

We are not. And l did not. Goodbye.

Did you call number three yet?

Did l call number... No that was a metaphorʼ
this ain't really a bakery man.

Yeah l know. l was just patiently
waiting my turn.

You see that?
He's patiently waiting his turn all right?

That's nice instead of yelling out nonsense.

Yeah one day l'm gonna dig a hole.

Well that's great man.

See there you go.
You're gonna have a great big hole.

lt's gonna be the biggest oneʼ
and l'm glad you're setting goals.

lt's gonna be in my living room.

Yeah well you had meʼ
then you lost me there.

-Are you married?
-l am married. Now that's a normal question.

-l'm married to Brandy. She's sweet.
-Wait a minute.

ls she like a great big fat person?

A great big fat person? She is not.
She's about 1 1 5 l'm guessing.

l really wish those numbers
were turned around.

Like 51 1 ?

Well then she'd be a great big fat person.

Yeah no l like her 1 1 5. Anything over likeʼ
400 l'm not super attracted to.

l'd like to cut her skin offʼ

and then sew it together so that l could wear
it as a human tracksuit.

Maybe l'm hearing you wrong it sounds
a little not normal what you're saying?

My name's Bob.

lf l had any friendsʼ
they'd call me Buffalo Bob.

Why don't you give me a call if your wife ever
becomes a great big fat person?

Buffalo Bob that sounds...

You have no idea what kind of hell
l can bring you!

All right enough you broken record!

Does what it's told!

Say it don't spray it brother! Dang.

Buffalo Bob!

Man!

Was that all in my living room?

'Cause that's step one.

Gotta run. There's a huge crazy party
behind that shed.

You can go there's three tickets left.

What are you up to?

"Genghis Khan."

Genghis Khan what?

lt's a comic book store?

lf l'm back in time l could maybe buy...

ls that Brandy?

Brandy!

Like a beaut.

You got that $5 you owe me?

See l was thinking you know since we're
both seniors nowʼ

maybe it's time we you know...

Wait a second. l think l see Jill.

l've gotta go talk to her.
She needs help with her homework.

All right.

Homework is important. l'll be here waiting.

Like always.

Wow. That was a total red light.

She gave you nothing but brake fluid.
You're smothered in it.

So funny l forgot to laugh.

Guess it's time to try the old
"Popcorn Surprise."

What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?

Listen up here's the skinny.

See l put a hole through the bottom of
a large tub of popcorn.

Does the popcorn fall out?

l don't know it doesn't matter all right?

After l cut the hole throughʼ
l put my thingy up through the hole.

Wait hold on now fella you lost me.
What's a thingy?

Get smart and get smart fast!

That thing you use to go number one?

So that's what keeps the popcorn
from falling out.

Makes sense.

l guess so but that's not the point.

All right? Anyways after l get my thingy
stuck up through the holeʼ

she reaches to grab the popcornʼ
presto! Handful of thingy!

-That's cool.
-Spread the word around.

-lt's gonna be classic.
-Yeah all right all right!

Go go go!

So he finally made his move on you?

Yeah he's sweet but l don't have
those kind of feelings for him.

You need to check your temperature girlʼ

because he's the most
dreamiest boy in school.

Brandy hey sorry.
l just ran five miles chasing you!

What are you doing here?

What are you wearing? That looks funny.

l'm sorry do l know you?

-Brandy!
-And my name isn't Brandy.

l'm Ashleen.

Well if it's 1 965 and you're Ashleen...

Yeah it's 1 965 strange-o.
What about it you freaky guy?

Oh my God are you Brandy's mom?

l don't know what you're sayin' but l have
always liked the name Brandy.

l could see me namin' a daughter that.

Yeah you can 'cause you...

Why are you talkin' to our girls and what's
the deal with your hair you weirdo?

Yeah show him your muscles fellas.

Maybe he'll scram. And scram fast.

Check this out.

Do you even lift?

Listen l better go because these guys are
getting a little cranky.

All right? So listen Ashleenʼ
l think l came here to the past

to fix something about myself you know?

So l deserve the daughter
that you're gonna have one day.

-l don't know what you mean.
-l don't know either.

And by the way do not eat
Jimmy's popcorn okay?

"Jimmy"? No his name is Rory.

Rory Yauch.

Fudge! That's Jimmy's dad!
Man this shit just got officially weird.

Hey you watch your languageʼ
buddy boy fella!

You want a big bar of soap in your mouth?

Hey are you a vet?

'Cause these puppies are sick.

Yeah you like that one? Talk to the fistʼ
'cause the hand is pissed.

Those are from the future!
You just got futurized.

You got a burn and it came down from
the future and got you.

You're a little dazed right now it'll go away.
But don't fight it just...

Hey he's gonna give you
the "Popcorn Surprise."

What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?

l'll give you a hint it's more surprise
than popcorn okay?

Just promise me you don't put your hand
in that cup all right?

Just think of me as your guardian angelʼ
all right?

Looking out for the love of my life.

Bye!

How are you son?
This movie's a hoot isn't it?

Dad what are you doin' here? Mom!

l want some popcorn.

No no!

Don't stop!

Don't stop don't stop!

l like it.

Don't stop don't stop!

lt won't come out!

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Man old comic books in mint condition
for 1 0 cents apiece.

Not bad.

Give Joe Dirt lemonsʼ
he gonna make goldenade.

Nah lemonade he gonna make lemonade.

This must be why l'm here.

To get rich.

So my girls will love me for realʼ
instead of the loser that l am.

l'll buy 'em presents.

Yeah.

This one is gonna buy Abilene braces.

This one's gonna buy braces for Dakota.

And this one. What can l get Cheyenne?

l can get braces.

And this Brandy you're gonna get
a new used car!

Don't worry little tree that won't hurt ya.
You're gonna grow up big and strong.

Pretty nice. Take that Home Depot.
Life's a garden dig it!

Well that was easy. Now that l'm rich,
l'm gonna get back to my trailer.

'Cause that's where this whole thing started,

and maybe that's where
this whole thing ends.

No no no.

No no no. Crap.

Well well well.

lf it isn't Joe Dirt.

Hey Foggle.

Now see when l ride with a man like this guyʼ
l got a nice thick phonebook between us.

Like this thing right here.

That way we're not really
touching each other.

Right.

Now Joe here if he were to
ride behind a manʼ

he probably wouldn't have a phonebook
dividing him from the other man.

No no no. He would say "No l don't need
no phonebook in between usʼ

"because l'd rather be nice and cozy."

Or if he puts something in between him
and the other manʼ

he would want it to be a little bit thinnerʼ
like a magazine.

Or like a menu.

-A really thin menu.
-Like a Kleenex.

You wish you'd thought of Kleenex.

l want those boots Joe.

Foggle look what l'm doing.

l'm takin' 'em off.

You know you ain't man enough
to wear those boots.

-You give 'em to me boy.
-No.

What if l unzipped
and rubbed 'em on my private parts?

You wouldn't like that!

You don't put that nowhere near your thingy!

That scare you?

l'll do it. Yeah l'm crazy l do it!

Look here come the police! Too bad 'cause
you're the bad guy l'm the good guy.

Hey!

Are you Joe Dirt?

Yeah hey there hi there ho there Officerʼ
what is crappenin'?

Figured it was you.

You had that weird hairdo
they said you called a "mullet."

Yeah that's me.

Did you buy comic books
with this here money?

Yeah you know l did that's right.

Well then you're under arrest for using
counterfeit money.

What no! lt ain't counterfeitʼ
it's future money!

From my future pocket!

You just tell that to them down at the station.

l'm under arrest so those guys
can't kill me now!

-What guys?
-Those guys!

See ya later l'm innocent sorry!

Hey get back here!

l bumped your car sorry!

Come on we gotta go get him.

Pursuit on foot going west on Hartford.

lt ain't over Joe Dirt.

We're your personal demons from hell!

Let's go.

Where's my phonebook?

So I was on the lam. They even let the dogs
out on me and everything.

But l got away, man, l pretended to be
a scarecrow in a field.

Them stupid cops, they never caught me.

What about the dogs?

The dogs l dunno l don't remember.

Anyway so there l was on the run.

Escape from the police.

Police dogs have a real good sense of smell.

Even if you were a scarecrowʼ
how could the dogs not find you?

You know they did find meʼ

but l got lucky they just walked away.

How did they just walk away?
l mean they just walked away?

They knocked me over on the pole on
the ground and they just walked away!

l dunno they had dog stuff to do.

You're focusing on the wrong part
of the story.

l can't imagine.
Why would they just walk away?

God dang with the dogs! Who gives a care?

The dogs all right you gotta solve the case!

All right they all humped me is that what
you wanna know?

You found it out Nancy Drewʼ
you solved the case of the horny dogs.

No no!

Well glad you got a good chuckle out of it.

lt was terrible l was man's best friend!

More like man's best friend with benefits.

l'm sorry l'm sorry.

l don't know if you started the "dogs like to
hump people's legs" fadʼ

but think about it you started the shoes on
the line and the mullet.

You know you might be like the white trash
Johnny Appleseed.

Well maybe.

You know once l extricated myself from
the dog pileʼ

they were done basicallyʼ
once they got the money shotʼ

if you get my driftʼ

which l hope you don't.

-God.
-Anywayʼ

so there l was on the run.
l was runnin' through the nightʼ

and you can't believe what l saw.

Ruby's.

l like any place that sounds like "boobies."

Man.

Where's the crowd when you need 'em?

l got some LOLs going.

Man that singer looks like a young
Ronnie Van Zant.

Wait. That's Ronnie. Bob. Gary.

Oh my God! This is Lynyrd Skynyrd!

Before they were Skynyrd!

What?

Man!

Man you guys are so good.

So you really dug our sound?

l do think you guys have potential.

Well cool 'cause we're just
barely scratchin' by.

Not makin' a dime.

Well l think that's all gonna change.

But l have one criticismʼ
and do not take this the wrong way.

l'm just saying maybe tinker with the name
of the band you know?

You don't like "The Wildcats"?

No yeah no l don't.

Actually because "Wildcats" is too likeʼ
generic and boring like any animal.

lt's like "meerkatʼ" you know?

You know Meerkat Manor? You don't no.

But it needs to be more distinct l feel.

-Distinct?
-Yeah.

l mean this is rock and roll.
A name means everything man.

All the cool bands have cool names.

You wanna kick ass you want it to stand out.

Wildcats l just don't think it does it man.
Do you got any other ideas?

Yeah l got one. What about "Wham!"?

"Wham!"? What?

lt sounds kickass right?

lt's like Wham!

lt says if you mess with usʼ
we'll beat you down!

We'll blow you away!

We don't care where in a dark alley
or in a public toilet.

l feel like "Wham!" is just gut instinctʼ
not the way to go.

What about "Frankie Goes To Hollywood"?

Absolutely not.

-What about "Cher"?
-"Cher"?

What about "Air Supply"?

Oh my God be real!

-What about "Kajagoogoo"?
-What?

"New Kids On The Block"?

What we're getting colder!

Okay you said we're gonna be big right?

Going straight to the top.
All right then "One Direction"!

What is crappenin'?

Nah l'd do "Pet Shop Boysʼ" though.

What about "Spice Boys"?
That's pretty good. Yeah.

Come on man we need
some contenders here what is this crap?

l got one. Now get ready for this okay?

lt's a little outta left field.

But be open-minded.

Lynyrd Skynyrd.

No.

-Not that guy.
-That's like our gym coach's name.

We don't even like that guy.

l know legend has it it's your gym coach.

What legend?

That's a long story.

But seriously guys l know he's your coachʼ
but you change it a little bit.

You add a "Dʼ" you add a random "Yʼ"
another renegade "Y" over hereʼ

and then it's Lynyrd Skynyrd and
presto-change-o people remember that!

-No that guy gave me lice...
-l dunno about Lynyrd Skynyrd man.

You remember that time he chased the other
coach around in his underwear in the gym?

-The guy's just whacked out.
-But you're...

Oh my God that's so good.

Man.

Trust me you guys are gonna be bigʼ
that song is so perfect l'm telling youʼ

that's like an anthem like a Southern
toe-tapper to say the least man.

On the huge-ometerʼ
it's gonna break the needle.

-Like a big wedding song?
-More like divorce.

Really? Where does it go man? lt's too slow.

Too slow listen to this guy!

Oh my God it's gonna be nine minutes!

Nine-minute tune?

Yeah l know l mean it could be.
lt could be 9:08.

Nine minutes eight seconds yeah.

When you've got it that good don't rush it.

What l would doʼ
l would talk at the beginning sing singʼ

if it's about a bird you knowʼ
lettin' it go free.

And then maybe just kill some time
in the middle with an instrumental.

Like anything. l would probably go...

Yeah. Yeah.

Man! You got it!

l kid you not like l said you're gonna be
rich and famousʼ

trust the shit outta me on this one!

Yeah? Big rock stars with a truck full of
money and girls and jammin' into the nightʼ

-livin' the great life?
-You know it man! Exactly!

Everyone's gonna look up to youʼ
you're gonna have tons of fansʼ

your kids are gonna be proud of youʼ
your family's gonna have so much money.

You could buy anything you want.

-We could buy our own airplane.
-Yeah!

What's the matter?

You guys it was nice to meet you but...

You're gonna be great man. l gotta go.

l was eight years old when l heard
about that plane crash.

Just goes to show you never really
know what's going on in people's lives.

You know everything could look greatʼ
and you could wish you were themʼ

-but then...
-Sounds like a lesson in there.

Yeah, I know there's a lesson,

and l know l was supposed to walk into that
club and meet Skynyrd that night,

but I ain't real smart,

and my head always feels all jingly jangly,

which is a Southern term meaning,
gangly wangly.

There's always noise in it, like, if people are
dropping change in there

and not picking up the pennies.

lt makes me crazy, man.

But then when l think l'm startin' to figure
stuff out,

along come these assholes.

Let's get us that Joe Dirt!

Get back here with those boots!

You little bitch.

Don't you get on that train!

Take that Foggle! What a burn!

Made it.

And so there I was,
just clickety-clackin' through the night.

l got to thinking, how does this Foggle dude
and all of them always know where l am?

lt's almost like they're livin' inside my head,
you know?

l mean, there's definitely
a lot of empty space in there.

But where would they put their motorcycles,
where would they go to the bathroom?

Whatever.

l'm sick of being alone.

l wish Brandy was here right now.

l can pretend she's here.

l got a few minutes.

Okay. ln the bedroom.

l come up behind. Tickle her back.

Pull that scrunchie out.
Yeah get the hair down.

Pick up the pace pick up the pace.

Sorry buddy.

Had to light my cigar.

Show was just starting. Keep goin'.

Nah you didn't see nothing.

Yeah we did.

You over there lookin'
like a paint shaker goin' at it.

Can we get in on that action?

Yeah maybe we can figure out some kinda
naked pyramid or something.

-l like that idea.
-Come on little doggy.

l ain't no party boy.

Just a dream. Thank God.

Again?

But this time not just them.

You get us too.

Okay.

You like sausages Joe?

l like sausage l usually get baconʼ
but l mix it up.

l like to have fun at breakfast you know?

Maybe you should take
a little nibble off mine.

No that's not supposed to be there.

Don't walk here!

You guys on Viagra?

No!

lt's me Joe.

Kicking Wing? Holy crap on a crutch!

-What's up?
-l missed you.

But they don't call me Kicking Wing anymoreʼ

l'm Kicking Ass.

-l took your advice.
-Man! That's a good one.

That's cool l got tons of good ideas man.

So where have you beenʼ
how's the fireworks game?

l'm not in the fireworks game Joe.
Growth potential wasn't enough.

l'm a drug dealer now.

What! You don't do drugs.

l don't get high on my supply.

That's catchy.

Baby who's this clown?

This is the legendary Joe Dirt!

Good friend!

So you sell heroin and all that kinda crap?

No. Just aspirin and weed.

What! l can get aspirin from a baby!

l can get weed
in a vending machine in Denver!

'Cause you know what no one
gives a care about weed any more.

Understand rubber band?

Well aspirin and weed is the ones l like.

Well that's your problem.
You're not sellin' to the mirror my man!

You're forgetting about the consumer! Again.

l'm a really good drug dealer.

Kim Possible you're gonna stand thereʼ
calling yourself "a really good drug dealerʼ"

and you ain't got no crystal meth?

No black tar?

These are the basics!

No Xanny bars? White crosses? Special K?
Moon rocks? No zip-its pop-its whippits?

Black beauties or cocaine? Also known as
yayo power flour talk chalk devil's dandruff

or sniffy jiffy?

-No.
-No shanaynay?

No vajayjay?

No. Just aspirins and weed.

So you're supposed to be taken seriously in
your chosen new profession?

And you don't move no purple microdot?
No gold paint to huff?

No angel dust?

PCP? Molly? Charlie? Charlie Car? Crank?

lce? Crack? Boom? Pow?
Shnizzle? Zoomers?

Boomers? Husker Dus?

Wait l think that's a firecracker isn't it?

No it's both.

No yellowjackets morning wood or one
single bottle of codeine cough syrup?

With or without the Jolly Rancher.

You must get high all the time.

You seem psycho.

Wait was this a dream?

Yeah this is gonna be a dream.

Then l can say somethin' mean back.
All right say it again.

You must get high all the time.
You seem psycho.

You must bone a lot of dudes.
You seem like a whore.

-l do.
-Backfire!

l'm so glad this is a dream
and you ain't a drug dealer!

You're right Joe it is a dream.

Come on Kicking Ass kick him off the trainʼ
l wanna get high.

Don't you understand Joe? This whole
dream represents you trying to become

something you shouldn't be.

Think about that Joe.

Man, it was great to see Kicking Wing,
but not as a drug dealer.

And that's when it hit me.
What he was trying to tell me!

What he wanted me to figure out was...
Then l got sleepy.

Yo! Molly Mulletson.

lt's me the clumsy segue fairy.

You're dreamin'.

We're inside a dream
that's inside a daydream

that's being influenced by
a vague sense of ennui.

And this is Joe Dirt 2, and why have we
overwritten this?

Now go back to sleep you're gonna wake up
in the middle of nowhere.

REM.

Them dreams is trying to tell me somethin'.
Especially Kicking Wing!

I don't even know what
Zander Kelly was doin' in there.

And I have no idea what
"on we" means either.

All in all, I was startin' to feel like
Alice in Wonderland.

You know, if Alice was a cool dude

and Wonderland was a place where
everyone benches a lot.

You're cool, and...

Yeah, that's a bad comparison, but
things was definitely getting weirder.

Hey guys what's crappenin'?

What's your name?

Well listen it's a bit unusual
and l've heard all the jokes

and l've heard them about my hairʼ
so you might as well skip it.

lt's Joe Dirt.

Dirt? That's a pretty shitty nameʼ
don't you think?

Yeah l guess we're not going to skip it.

Yeah listen it could've been Connor or
Willow or Aiden or Jaden

or maybe Colby or Tristan...

How's your health?

That's a bit personal.

My health is good l feel like it might get
worse in a few minutes...

You ain't a smoker huh?

No but l do dip Skoal.

Just a pinch between my cheek and gum.

l've tried Cope you know between us.

But it's a little strong. l get dizzy.

l like to call it the poor man's
amusement ride.

You're about to go on a big ride.

Bright light!

Sore to the touch!

Somebody's getting a bad stitchin' award.

What did they do?

Seashell? l'm at the beach!

Sandcastle time!

-So they harvested me.
-What?

Yeah.

-Harvested you?
-Yeah they dug deep. They got my kidneyʼ

they got my gallbladderʼ
they got some liver parts.

l guess they were making some cat food or
something l dunno.

l thought that was just like an urban legend.

-How creepy.
-Yeah. Yeah.

You know maybe l started that.

After the surgery they left all kinds of crap
inside me like you know.

-On accident l'm guessin'.
-What?

They left scissors inside meʼ
they left a hamburger wrapperʼ

39 cents in change and some of those
plastic pluggy things

that you stick in a corn cob to hold it better?

Also one of them cans that says moo
when you turn it upside down?

-No.
-You say no?

Hang on.

There we go.

lt's nice to see you laughin'.

My little girls would laugh so hard at that.
They'd think it's so funny.

l wish l could hear that.

-So where was this beach?
-Actually it was a desert island.

l was there a long time.

About 12 years.

"Dear Whoever Finds This
Message in a Bottle, l'm trapped

"on a desert island, and l'm losing
hope of ever being found, man.

"l probably just wasted time writing the
word 'man,' it wasn't a necessary word

"and I don't have much ink, so that's dumb.

"l'm using my own blood.

"I'm crossing off 'man.' Sorry for the mess.

"As l gaze out to sea at
the rocks that look like

"a giant church steeple, it makes me think of

"the day l married the love of my life, Brandy.

"l miss her. l miss my girls.
l'm lonely out my ass.

"l hope somebody gets this and replies.

"PS, No smokers. I'm just kidding.

"Signed, Joe Dirtay.

"PPS, AKA Joe Dirt. I ain't foolin' nobody
with the Dirtay thing. l'll give up on it."

Tastes like jellyfish.

Oh yeah. You like that Wilson?

You're not getting away! Yeah take that!

Okay this one goes out to all
the angel fish out there.

You know who you are. Let them in the front.
Come on now.

You like that shell?

Hey which way out? l need an exit sign.

There you are.

Sorry for the delay folks. l took a crap.

l buried it. l put some sand on it.
lt's not totally gone but...

Nobody go looking for it.
l didn't think you would.

l hope this is mine.

"Dear Joe Dirt, you sound so lonely and lost.

"And as l gaze out of my
Marriott Hotel window,

"l can see the same church-steeple rocks
you mention in your letter.

"Anyway, what hotel are you staying in?

"I'm in room 347. Write me back or call."

Marriott?

What the fuck!

Twelve years l missed going to effingʼ
freaking fucking Taco Bell?

Hey mister.

Are you bigfoot?

What? No man. No l'm not bigfoot.

l'm tired-foot.

Hey bigfoot why did you climb all those
rocks over there instead of using this trail?

-What year is it?
-lt's 1 977 bigfoot.

Man what city am l in?

lt's Miami bigfoot.

Man.

l need to go down just to wipe.

lt's rough down there. l've been wiping with
seaweed and clamshells for 1 2 years.

Gross bigfoot.

-Bye bigfoot.
-You gotta get going? Okay.

Yeah see ya later bigfoot.

Okay. l'll catch ya later.

Maybe l'll write it in a bottle
and throw it to ya.

l'm kidding. Wait is this the way down?

Twenty-seven cents for all-new JD threads.

Now l just gotta get the bugs out of my hair.

Skynyrd man. Those poor guys.

l'm complaining about my stupid problemsʼ
and these guys...

Screw them man! l was on an island for
1 0 years. l'm in Florida!

What a dumb crap! l just get stupider!

Wait a second. ls that dude Clem?

Wait that's Clem!

Hey Clem!

l'm sorry excuse me.

Hey hey Clem.

Frank Frank Frank Frank.

Clem hey.

Mr. Bennedetti l'm sorry. My name's Joe Dirtʼ
l'm from the future. l know it sounds crazy.

l heard about the future.

Everybody's got a big head right? Enlarged.
Eat pills to live.

You fly around with a jetpack.

Not quite yet. l mean we have a Bedazzler.

Jetpacks are not at the Walmart
just as of now.

But we have the Cronut.

lt's really doing well. l ate 30 once. l was
drunk. lt was like 28 but l brag and say 30.

But here's the real thing in the future l just
want to tell you it sounds crazy l knowʼ

but we're friends.

You're like a dad to me.

l mean we hang out and you live
in Silvertown. You save me from bullies.

Vinny whack this kid. He's talking nonsense.

Then dump his body in a trunkʼ
then dump his crazy hair in a different trunk.

-You got it Uncle Frank.
-No no Mr. Vinny wait one sec...

l'm telling you l'm from the future.
l'll prove it.

There's a TA.

What's that NASCAR?

l know NASCAR.

That's Daytona 500 l bet.
l can tell you who wins. ls that good?

lf this was trueʼ
you would become very important.

You've got five seconds.
l start counting on three.

What? Wait what happened to one and two?

l had them whacked. Four.

Wait. God... Okay hold on.

Daytona Speedway 1 977.
That's oh my God Richard Petty l think.

STP car.

Then you got Darrel Waltrip in Gatorade.
AJ Foyt is third.

-Then Donnie Allison and who's fifth?
-Five.

Cale Yarborough! Go! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Guys we just found a goose
that lays the golden eggs.

-l laid 'em.
-This goose's name is what?

-l'm Joe Dirt!
-Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt.

Okay.

lt's all right.

This was all paying off.

We was getting richer.

l was getting richer.

-Look, l did a perfect cartwheel.
-Dad, l bet you can't do that.

-Daddy...
-But l was missing my family.

Really missing them, something awful.

...a perfect cartwheel. Dad, have you ever...

lt sounds crazy,
but I recorded a bunch of actresses

doing a little jibber-jabber,
to remind me of home.

-I can do somersaults.
-Hey, Joe Dirt, watch my cartwheel.

Wait, no, not Joe Dirt.
Daddy, watch my cartwheel!

Dad, look, l can do a back handspring!
Can you do a flip, too?

So anyways that's the whole story.

l know you believe me 'cause all those races
l predicted and stuff came true.

Anyway Clem. l know the futureʼ
and l know something about youʼ

and l know something about your wife.

We must not know.
We're not supposed to know

the future that is laid out for us.

Because choices must remain for us to make.

That's how it must be.

What are you saying that if you could learn
what's gonna happen in the futureʼ

you don't even want to know?

Each day must remain without horizon.

We save it for the now.

Okay yeah. l know what you're saying.
That you never know how hot it is

until you lose your shade tree.

No. l speak with more elegance than that.

l'm not talking trifles from a calendar
or a bumper sticker or a poster of that cat.

You've seen it. lt's everywhere.

A cat hangs upside down from a tree.
Underneath the cat it says "Hang in there."

-Right.
-This is nonsense.

The cat must not just hang there.
The cat must go fix its problems.

The cat must find the thing
that gives it trouble

and smack that thing
in the side of the head with a brick.

The cat must ask "Does your mother sew?

"Get her to stitch that."

-You see what l'm saying?
-Yeah cats are hard to train. l know.

But Clem l mean Mr. Bennedetti...

You've convinced me that we are
friends in the future. Call me Clem.

Man.

l love it. Well Clem you just turned
my life around man. You made me rich.

Me too!

-Yeah.
-This is like a crazy accident l saw you.

Because now l'm gonna be able to
buy my kids so much stuff.

l'm gonna be so important to them now.

Joe l think you've not learned all the things
you need to know from meʼ

but for now there's something more
important that bothers me.

Concerns me.

-This girl you talk about this Brandy?
-Yeah.

Something nags me in the back of my head.

What if you miss

the first time you meet her?

Everything's gonna be off.

The future's gonna be bat-shit crazy.

That's so true. That's so smart.
l didn't think of that.

Clem l need to make it back to where
l first met Brandy.

To make everything happen.

That's when her dog's balls
got stuck on her porch.

He was licking his ballsʼ
and it was 40 below zero outside.

-What do you expect?
-Yeah.

Joe let's have one for the road.

l don't even know if l should have a drink
because l got my liver taken out.

-Who gives a shit? Okay.
-Yeah. Okay. Let's do it.

No kidney no problem.

That's right. Let's do it.

Yeah.

Daddy where are you?

Man.

You're awake.

-Not feeling good l bet huh?
-No.

l think l was drunk. 'Cause you knowʼ
l had some of my innards harvested.

Yeah. That would explain the empty spots
on the X-ray.

But drunk is an understatement.

They found you running naked with
a Roman candle sticking out of your ass.

You tried to eat a bunch of pigeonsʼ

then you climbed onstage at
a Donnie Osmond concertʼ

screaming "What did y'all
do with Van Halen?"

And then this huge guy punched you
incredibly hard directly in your testicles.

Check this out.

You're gonna love this.

That's me!

Your balls are basically like "Hey manʼ
let's go see what his throat is talking about!"

There was a tour bus that was driving by.
There was a bunch of Japaneseʼ

and you know how those people
are with their cameras.

My wife is Asian!

What's up with the jokes? Like what are youʼ
like some grand wizard or something?

-No man l didn't say nothing.
-You nodded.

You nodded like a motherfucker.

Anyway the punch was so masterful
that your testicles are up way inside you

and they would have gone a lot higher
had they not bounced off your heart.

Wait my ball sack's where?

Your balls are in your stomach

and your sacks are literally
being digested as we speak.

And that's not fantastic so what we're gonna
have to do is yank them out.

-You mean gently extract?
-Yes.

By extract we mean yank.

And so we have these things that look like
salad tongs. Actually they are salad tongs

from the Sizzler salad bar.

You know there's always some good pussy
at Sizzler.

Sizzler yeah. l'm usually buried in
cornbread. l don't look up.

l usually say this may hurt a bitʼ
but this is definitely gonna hurt.

All right are you ready? Let's breathe.

Whoa is there a parakeet!

ln here?

Damn man why are you yelling?
Why did you yell in my ear?

Well it hurt like a mofo!

Yeah but what about my ear?

You could've turned your face that way.
You could've screamed at that wall.

But you wanted to yell in my... Whoa!

-Whoa what?
-Whoa.

Whoa good news?

You can say that l definitely
extracted your balls.

A lot of credit goes to
the workout regimen l've been on.

They're hanging a little low man.

They do hang but how low?

Remember Clackers?

Clackers that's my balls. That's too far.

Don't worry balls have a great
healing mechanism.

You'll be back May June.

Wait May or June?
l've got to go to Silvertown by tomorrow!

You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't travel.

See your balls look like tube socks
with lemons in them.

And that's usually the side effect from
the yankotomy l performed.

But if l don't go to Silvertownʼ
l don't meet Brandyʼ

and my whole future is thrown off.
Do you understand? l gotta go!

Okay.

Good evening, folks,

we'll be starting our descent into Spokane,
Washington, in a few minutes.

So, if anyone needs to use the restroom,
please do so now.

Good idea. l'm gonna take a pee real quick.

Turbulence everybody.

Give me a second.

Are those your balls?

Yeah. ls that an apple?

Turbulentay.

Dang too much turb.
Gotta sit down and pee like a little girl.

My nuts!

My balls!

-Sir are you okay in there?
-No look!

-My nuts got sucked in look!
-Oh my God!

-What'd you do that for? That's so stupid.
-l'm not on trial here. l did an accident.

What's going on?

-Oh good sweet Lord God.
-l need help.

This man has gotten his ball sack stuck
down the toilet.

l just got sucked. lt's an accident.
l pushed the thing.

-l'm sorry. l quit. l hate balls to start off with.
-No no no.

-No l'm...
-Don't quit l need help!

You are helping me out with this.
l don't know what to do.

They didn't deal with this in
stewardess school.

Sir you've got to lift them up when l flush.
Okay?

That doesn't sound like it's gonna work.

-One two three.
-No no no!

lt didn't work! lt didn't work.

Well we're gonna try it again. l'm gonna
try it again. One two three.

No no no!

You bitch!

What're you doing? l'm sorry.
Don't do it! l never say the "B" word.

But it hurts too much. You can't do that.
We need to think of a new strategy.

-What is going on out here ladies?
-Have a look.

-What is... What the... Whoa! Whoa!
-Yeah.

l'm gonna get you guys some help.
Let's clean that up.

You want me to clean this up first
or get the guy's balls out of the toilet?

-Watch your face sir. lt's coming in!
-Get out of here with your foot!

l'm gonna get you back to your seatʼ
you gotta get your nuts up out of that...

Don't kick me Jackie Chan!

-l passed out for a minute.
-Right.

Not again you bitch!

Do you really have to parade me
across the tarmac?

ls there not a shortcut?

l'm out here on display.

Hey gals.

l'm usually in a Hemi.

Man. ls there a second gear on this?

You see what that is right? You see it?

-This is crazy.
-His left nut is right in that one gear.

Right there in the gear box.
And his other one his other nut...

-Where'd you take off from? Miami?
-Miami.

-His other nut's probably back in Miami.
-Where?

-They might have to ship it to you buddy.
-Are you funning me?

Just hand me pliers andʼ
what do you think about a saw?

A saw? Wait like a hacksaw?

Like to hack it off? No no.
No saw by my balls. Thanks.

-Hey buddy can you let us concentrate?
-How long's this gonna take?

Like four or five hours.
Whatever it doesn't matter.

Four or five hours? No way man.
l gotta take an airplane to ldaho.

l gotta be honest manʼ
planes are out of the question.

-You're gonna have to drive.
-Drive? l can't drive with these balls.

Plus l drive Moparʼ
not some crummy rental car.

So I rented a car.

And now l was heading home,
but of course l ran out of gas. Typical.

Everyone saw that coming.

And then l hopped a train,

and that was fun, 'cause the guy
even let me drive it for a second.

Well, l screwed that up fast.

l didn't stick around to fill out no paperwork,
l just started running.

l'm actually a good runner.

l'm actually not.

Man.

lf it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.

Man. Hey Foggle.

Phonebook's looking a little
thinner these days.

How 'bout you give us them boots.

And we'll kill you only half as slow
as we was gonna.

How did you find me man?

l met you back in 1 965.

Joe Dirt we're the dream you can't slip.

The ache in your heart.
The darkness just outside of your light.

We've been hounding you since the day
you was left behind like garbage

by your ma and pa.

We're an allegory and a realityʼ
and your time is up.

This is gonna be good.

Hey.

l don't like your tone.

You're talking to my boy all wrong.

Clem!

Who are you?

l've come to check on my boy Joe Dirt.
He's my goose that lays the golden eggs.

You don't mess with my gooseʼ
unless you're a gander.

-Tell me are you a gander?
-No!

No l'm not a gander!

Clem l'm so glad to see you man.
But l gotta get out of here.

l've got to get to Brandy's house right now!

l want those boots pissant!

Joe go meet your woman.

l will take care of these dunskies.

You know we're kind of running
the show here.

We've got our chains and knives.

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

Especially if l've got the guns.

Not now darling.

Hey Clemʼ
you don't have to do this for me buddy.

Joe Dirt we may meet again someday.

l don't know.

But for that to happenʼ
you must meet your destiny.

You've learned how hot it is
when you lose your shade tree.

Go get your shade tree back.

Thanks man.

Hey by the way why doesn't it sound
fruity when you say that?

You don't have time for the explanation.

-l don't. Bye Foggle. l gotta go.
-Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt!

And you.

You're done with Joe Dirt.
You must never haunt his dreams again.

You must never be that voice of doubt
that makes him think he's not good.

Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.

l'll let you know when it's over.

Hey does your mother sew?

Get her to stitch that!

Charlie!

We've got to get you unstuck.

ls there anybody out there that will help me?

lt's you!

Yeah.

Thank goodness. We've gotta help Charlie.

l was born to help Charlie. What's going on?

l was thinking maybe
warm water and a spatula?

-That's a great idea.
-Okay.

Man keep your mouth shut mutt.

All right. l'm looking at you too.
He's all good. Come on back.

Charlie!

-Jimmy thank you!
-You're welcome.

-lt ain't nothing.
-How did you do that?

Don't worry about it.
That's a guy thing right there.

Brandy hey.

l'm sorry do l know you?

lt's me Brandy Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt?

What kind of name is that?

lt's me. We're supposed to meet hereʼ
right now. Right exactly now with Charlie.

We become friendsʼ
and eventually we get married.

Boy what are you talking about?

ls you wasted or something?

Mr. Dirt l can't talk right now.

-Jimmy and l need to tend to my dog.
-Brandy l'm rich now.

l'm super rich.

l'm somebody that's worth loving.

Mr. Dirt money doesn't interest me
all that much.

l'm more interested in a man that is kind.

like somebody that would
help a dog in distress.

Well hell just yesterday l saved 1 5 raccoons
by giving them mouth-to-mouth

'cause they was choking
on garbage and stuff.

Heck l'll save anybody.

Especially you Brandy.

You know 'cause l am armed!

A-R-M-D right there.

Wellʼ

it was nice meeting you Mr. Dirt.

Yeah later Dirt.

-Jimmy would you like some ice cream?
-Why hells to the yes. Get on in there!

And that was it.

l missed my destiny.

Just like that it was all gone.

l'm sorry Joe. l really am.

Thanks for listening. l appreciate it.

Right now you're probably
the only friend l have.

There's my bus!

See ya!

Wow where's the fire lady?

He got kicked to the curb!

Joe Dirt fucked up a couple things.

Damn she just left him.

That boy was left with nothing.

But you know last time
all he had was his freedom.

And you know what freedom is.

Yeah.

Just another word for nothing left to lose.

Look at you all growed up
and being Starsky and Putz!

l had a cousin named Randy.

Yeah.

But much like Ned Beatty braced against
the shale wall in DeIiverance,

this time he's got shit tons to lose.

But come on it's Joe Dirt. There's always
one more ace up his wife-beater.

Let's pick this story back up.

Get out of the road!

What's up?

Hey dude. Where'd you come from?
You scared the crap out of me.

Looks like you've just
completely given up huh Joe?

Look out...
Man that carjust drove through you!

Like a car driving through you.
Are you some sort of ghost or something?

Ghost-like. Yeah check this out.
Put your hand right here. Just touch it.

No that's your private parts man.

Private but you're invited.
Go ahead. Put it right there.

lt'll go right through me. l won't even feel it.
l won't even feel it. Go ahead.

-Really? All right l ain't being fruity.
-Yeah. All right.

lt did!

-That felt nice.
-No man don't say that. That's wrong.

You could've bought me dinner first.
We just met.

You talk slow but you move fast.

Yeah it's like there's a dog whistle
in my pants and only you can hear it.

Do it again one more time l wanna see if
you can get me off again.

No l didn't get you off manʼ
l ain't no party boy.

Come on Joe. l'm just messing with you.
l was trying to lighten the mood.

l never figured you for a quitter.

Weren't you the guy who once saidʼ
"Life's a garden dig it?"

Yeah l also said "Say it don't spray it."
But that Joe's gone man.

"Life's a garden dig itʼ"
ain't nothing but a bumper sticker.

Well don't you think that sometimes bumper
stickers have a little bit of truth in them?

Yeah you know the one that says "Wrap it in
latex or she'll get your paychecks."

-That one's got lots of truth. Yeah.
-Sure.

Sure and then l remember
that one that said "Coexist."

Yeah that's not as funny.

And then they took the coexist
and they changed it to "Joe-exist"

to put his hands on dick.

Come on Joe. l want you to come with me.
l want to show you something.

l wanna take you to Silvertown.

Silvertown? No way man. That place is
1 ʼ000 miles away. Literally and finger...

And fig...

Fig Newtonally.

Were you going for "Figuratively"?

'Cause l know that you were
just going for some

homo action in my pants just a minute ago.

Joe when you're with me Silvertown
is just a second away.

All right.

Wait a second is this Silvertown?

Man it's all gone to hell. What happened?

You didn't happen Joe. lt all went to hell.

Although my guess is you would have
rather had it go to the Thunder Down Under.

The Thunder Down Under show?
That's a bunch of dudes dancing around.

Why do you keep saying crap like that?

You couldn't wait
to get your hand on my dick.

And l get it you know we all want
what we can't have.

You want to touch what's on
the other side of the lightʼ

and the closest thing to you was my dick.

But you wanted to wear it
like a fucking wristwatchʼ

which would be great right?
Then you could sayʼ

"What time is it? lt's 1 5 minutes to dick."

Snapper 1 1 o'clock.

Nine o'clock.

Snapper.

l'd drink a gallon of her piss
just to see where it came from.

That's nice. Yeah yeah.

l've got Brandy she's my girl and l don't...

But l guess what they say you knowʼ

"You're on a diet
don't mean you can't look at the menu."

Right?

Just because you're petting the dog
don't mean you can't have sex with it.

-Right?
-l don't know.

You're creeping me out.
You're so creepy. You're so creepy.

My dick had you at hello and now you're

talking about having sex
with animals and shit.

l don't get you.

No dude.
Okay you're twisting things around.

l just said Silvertown looks way differentʼ

but l didn't say sex with animalsʼ
that don't turn me on man that's...

That's weird stuff l mean...

Maybe Jessica Rabbit...

lt's not called Silvertown anymore.
Jimmy Yauch bought this jointʼ

changed its name to Jimmy Town.

What...

What? Dude why would he do that?

Well he got rich Joe. He got rich as hell.

But all he does anymore is sit around
and pop Molly cut with ketamine and shit.

Trip his balls off.

Joe about what happened back thereʼ
you know when you fisted me?

l don't want things to get weird
between the two of us.

But if l could just be serious for
a second "What do balls taste like?"

You know did you go to
guardian angel school?

Because l feel like maybe you flunked out.

Hey! Hey you little punks!

Come back here!

Third time this week kids have ripped me off.

This used to be a town for familiesʼ
community.

Yeah.

l don't know the last few decadesʼ

hell something's gone missing.
lt's like... Well it's like the glue is gone.

Someone stole Silvertown's glue?

Wait is that one of them metaphors
you talked about?

-Who are you talking to?
-Oh sorry man. This here is Clair.

He can't see me Joe.

For Christ's sakeʼ
kids ripping off comic booksʼ

assholes standing around talking to
themselves. lt's all just bullshit!

Man.

Joe? Brandy's just outside of town.

Brandy lives here?

This don't seem like her kind of place at all.

Well these days this is her kind of place.

Her life went down a different path
on the day that she didn't meet you.

She's changed. l mean she is still cute
as a little puppy.

lf that little puppy had great tits
and a nice ass.

Man...

lt's like diarrhea l can't stop.
You should see for yourself though.

Hey man how did you do that?

Well because l'm an angel you moron!

-Joe l want you to find Brandy.
-Okay.

You hear that? lt's poetry.

Poetry?

Brandy finally gave me the gift
l knew she always had to give.

All the great words.

The great magical turns of a phrase.

That lives within me now
and informs my music.

lt's all because of her.
So you know what l'm thinking?

You all want to get wasted?

-Yeah!
-Get real wasted real fast!

-Yeah!
-Party like a rock star?

Well all right!

Yeah!

Here's what l'm thinking tampons!

Come on man hear me out man.

You soak them in vodka and then
we shove them straight up our asses.

Wait what?

No no it will get you hammered ASAP man.

Mark McGrath does it every night.

l don't know. That seems weird a little.

Do you guys question the iPhone?

Well yeah but this seems different
than an iPhone.

You can't compare an iPhone with a tampon.

Stop being such a bunch of pussies now!
l demand you to stop being pussies.

Now start to soaking and get to shoving!

Or you're out of my entourage! All of youse!

Keep soaking and shoving. Soak and shove.

-l want to hear you boys say it now.
-Soak and shove.

You better be right about that.

-All right.
-Oh yeah.

lt's hard to get in there boss.

Don't worry about it man. Just keep
shoving it will get there. lt will get there.

How are you doing Cal?

Eight nine 1 0...

Oh yeah 14!
These things are going up like easy-peasy.

-What?
-Fourteen?

What do you say? What? Who said that?

What are you saying?
l thought l was eating them?

-l thought you said eat them?
-He wasn't eating them man.

You said eat them. l had like 14.

l was eating them.
They taste like cotton candy.

Wait a minute did you say butt man?

Oh my God Jimmy.
He was putting them up his butt.

This guy! This guy was putting them
up his butt.

What an idiot! What an idiot!

They all went up your butt Cal.
l seen them all go up your butt.

No. No! This sucks!

No! l'm done with this party!
You suck Jimmy!

No you don't suck. You're great man.
l love you. You're awesome. You're the best.

You're the best. He sucks!

No l'm out. This is terrible.

-Dude stay! Stay! Stay! Hey!
-Jimmy this is stupid.

No Jimmy. What a dumb idea!

Jimmy we got a situation out here.

Come on man.
We're doing a science experiment here.

Yeah but there's this guy out here.

What's up?

Look man.
We caught this dude without an invitation.

You want me to throw his ass out?

-l know you right?
-You know me yeah!

lt's Joe Dirt. Jimmy l can't believe
you're such a huge star.

This big house man.

lt seems like just yesterday we was
hanging out at the gas station...

Now hold up a second. l ain't never
hung out with nobody named Joe Dirt.

And l ain't about to start right now.

Oh yeah.

You knowʼ
l think l confused you for somebody.

Yeah l think you did.

Hey get this boy a drink.
Maybe clear his head up a little bit.

-Nah man l'm cool.
-No you ain't.

Dang l walk into that every time.

Hey is Brandy around?

-What did you say?
-ls Brandy here?

Oh you asking about Brandy now?

You coming up in my houseʼ
actin' all buddy-buddy likeʼ

and now you're hitting on my wife?

No l didn't mean...

Your wife? Brandy's not your...

-Yeah.
-What?

Oh my God! When you took my place on
the porch saving Charlie's balls that's right.

Wait a minute.

You're that dude that walked up
on me and Brandy that night on the porch

when l was saving that stupid muttʼ
or something like that.

And you was talking aboutʼ
"Oh Brandy l love you.

"l got so much money
it's coming out of my butt."

lt's no wonder Colt Ford
wrote a song about you.

Colt Ford wrote a song about me?

Yeah, man. The Ballad of Joe Dirt.

And here you are stupid mulletʼ

stupid face and all of that.

Hello ladies!

Lookey here lookey here!

Hey Jimmy ain't you just say
you married to Brandy now?

She does her thing l do my thing.
That's the way that thing goes.

How you doing? Where are your friends at?

Have you seen the Jacuzzi yet?
You're going to love it.

Come on now. You got a twin sister?

Not cool.

Hey!

Brandy!

-How do l light this?
-This way babe.

You do it.

This way silly.

Brandy?

Hey!

Hey! l remember you.

You're that rich guy.

You were going to help me with Charlie
when he was stuck.

-Yeah.
-Until Jimmy beat you to itʼ

and helped me instead.

Might have been the last time
Jimmy helped me with anything.

Look it's the moron with
the Tennessee top hat.

Tennessee top hat.

That's actually a good one fellas.
l had not heard that one before.

-They've got some new stuff.
-Oh yeah?

l bet you never heard
that you're a winner either!

Jimmy would have liked that one!

l love Jimmy!

Where is Jimmy?

Forget about Jimmy baby.

-You're with me now.
-Katrina you're so sweet.

-You're such a good friend to me.
-Oh yeah.

You look so hot tonight Brandy.

-Doesn't she look hot boys?
-Yeah!

l don't think she looks that hot.

l mean she's gorgeousʼ

but that's not the Brandy l'm used to.
You don't look like that.

l mean you look slutty hot and that's good.

Slutty hot is goodʼ
it's just not the regular hot.

But believe me there's a place
for slutty hot guys like that.

But Brandy isn't that kind of hotʼ
you're innocent sweet hot.

l mean sluts are great. You know what?
l'm digging a hole. l can get out of it.

Brandy what's been happening
in Silvertown?

Brandy's been happening.

Oh boy l didn't think those
M's was ever going to stop.

This girl's got more M's than M&M's.

'Cause M&M's...

No laughs. Absolutely zero.

When Jimmy's here you laugh at everything...

He cuts a fartʼ
everyone cracks up for two hours.

This town is called Jimmy Town now.

My husband renamed it.
l kind of miss the old name.

And all that came with it.

Brandy?

l'd like to be all that came with it to you.

Katrina that tickles.

Jimmy will get mad. He always gets mad.

No he'll just grab a camera and pop a rod.

You're just a lost little girl Brandy.

l didn't used to be.

l used to be a strong independent woman.

l don't know what happened to me.

-lt could be the heroin.
-Heroin man?

What's going on in this town?
lt's all mixed up.

l don't know what is and isn't
mixed up anymore.

You're so deep Brandy.

You like when l do this to you don't you?

l bet you're wearing those silk little
panties l bought for you ain't you?

Don't say ain't or your mother will faint.

-Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
-Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.

Wow. You and me.

We have a connection Joe Dirt.

We used to always say that.

l say it all the time to our kids...
To my kids.

Kiss me Brandy. Like you mean it girl.

Don't be halfway with me no more Brandy.

Okay that's it. Show's over everybody.
Stop it right there that's enough.

-What are you doing?
-What the hell?

What are you queer?

Brandy in another life we get marriedʼ
we fall in love.

We have three beautiful kidsʼ
Cheyenne Abilene and Dakota.

Those are such sweet names.

Well that's because you picked them.

-l picked dumb names.
-Stay on topic Joe.

Man you scare me because you
come out of nowhere sometimes.

Tell her. Tell her what you've learned.

-Tell her how you feel now.
-Okay.

l think l got it.

-Who's he talking to?
-l don't know.

All right Brandy. Me and you was together.

And everything was going greatʼ
and we was really happy.

And then something terrible happenedʼ
and l got taken away from you and the kidsʼ

and then nowʼ
l think l'm sent back to learn a lesson

-that if l have money...
-What the hell!

Come on! Damn it Joe you still don't get it?

Look they told me you were dumbʼ
but it's almost like you're an

"l'm joking" kind of dumb.
Look l give up here.

l guess l'm not going to get my wings

and l'm never going to hear
that beautiful sound.

What sound?

Well you hear a certain kind of clang
when an angel gets its wings. Whatever.

-l look...
-Oh wait.

When an angel gets its wings? That's from
a movie or something like a TA show?

Shut up dude!

You're seriously bumming out the vibe
in this room.

Brandy here had a monsoon in her pantiesʼ
thinking about me.

And then you walk in here not remembering
lines from It's a WonderfuI Life.

That's it.

l'm trying to get downʼ
and you're getting me down.

Look this is just too confusing.

l've had too much to drink.

l got to go.

-l got to go.
-Let me... Can l talk...

What did you do?

Brandy l think l know what l'm supposed
to know now.

l'm going to be different!

l don't know what you're sayingʼ
just please stop.

l'm married to Jimmy.

But he doesn't feel like he's married to me.

My life feels like it is spinning out of control.

Goodbye Joe Dirt.

Well that went great.

l don't know what's going on anymore man.
l don't know what l'm supposed to learn.

Well you're not very bright.

Come on l ain't no toaster scientist.

What am l supposed to learn?
l bench 1 50 on a good day.

The fact that l'm supposed to memorize
a spark-plug gap

on a Plymouth 383?

l don't know. l just want my old life back.

1 50's not that great.

Hey Clair.

Hey wait you're that woman that yelled
at me on the bus bench.

That's right. You fart-eater.

l'm the good witch.
l'm the one that sent this hunky angel to you.

-No offence Clair.
-No offence? Really? Okay.

He's like that angel that saved that
cracker-ass Jimmy Stewart.

And helped that white racist-ass town.

Tell me something how come they don't
ever have any angels to save a black town?

You don't think black towns could
use some help once in a while?

You ever seen Detroit?
That town is sucking some misery dick.

How come them bitches in Hollywood
don't throw us a bone every once in a while?

Wait a second you're the good witch?

Well maybe you should
work on your like presentationʼ

because it comes off a little
rough around the edges.

But l have to say ma'amʼ
with all due respectʼ

this is who l am. l'm Joe Dirt.

Okay? And l'm fine with it.

l'm not mean to other people like you are.

ln fact l made some money
with this guy Clemʼ

and if you need it for that city Detroitʼ

then you could have it all to help them.
l don't care.

Because l thought it was about being richʼ
and showing my family l had a lot of moneyʼ

and being famous like Lynyrd Skynyrdʼ

but that don't matter.

lt's about me being me. Just me.

And l'm okay with that.

And they're okay with that.

-Well l'll be dipped in shit.
-Holy hell he gets it.

What? What happened?

You got it Joe Dirt.

-You learned your lesson.
-Yeah you're going home Joe.

You're going home. You know...

l was Foggle did you know that?

You was Foggle?
Wait you're both sort of like homophobic.

Maybe yeah l see it.

Well l was actingʼ
and l made some interesting choices.

Well a little big at firstʼ

but l thought l reeled him in.
l had to be convincing.

-Those guy would have raped me...
-Oh fuck that acting shit!

This boy's going home.

Click those boots together Joe Dirtʼ
you know what to say.

l just say "There ain't no place like home"?

Joe l want to thank you for giving my wings.

You got your wings?

l did. Well l'm going to get them now.

-Am l supposed to hear a clang?
-You will.

Daddy...

You're the most handsomest man
that l have ever seen.

Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.

Life's a garden dig it.

When are you coming back?

-Home is where you make it.
-You like to see homos naked?

No no no no. Home is where you make it.

Ain't nothing like home.
Ain't nothing like home.

Joe! Wake up!

-Joe?
-Brandy!

ls this a dream?

ls this a dream again?

No it's real! Get over here. Come on!

Where have you guys been?

l missed you! Look at you huh?

-Hey!
-Hey baby.

-l think it's good.
-Oh my God!

-l know l gotta get 'em.
-Get his stick!

Come on you little hicks.

So that is the whole story it's crazy.

Joe we love you just the way you are.

We do Daddy!

We love you!

We wouldn't trade you for any other Daddy
in the whole wide world.

Did you practice that? lt sounds too good.

No.

Hold up hold up.

Wait a second this looks familiar.

What's wrong?

There's no way.

That was all a dream.
lt doesn't matter never mind.

What is it Daddy?

lt...

Babe we're rich.

Rich? Why you've always been rich Joe Dirt.

You just needed to find that out for yourself.

Daddy and Mommy!

That's right!

Mommy likes me. Come on let's go.

Come on babies.

He's got a backhoe
it's Caterpillar yellow

He's a heller of a feller
a drinking storyteller, with a DUl

He's illegal to drive

But he legally drinks
and gets illegally high

One night, while he's up in the sky
he looked at that backhoe, asked himself

"Why not?"

l'm going to drive that thing
lt's a loophole, man, the DUl don't pertain

l'm only driving to the bar
down on Main Street

Now he's digging

Got a hot little honey
hanging out of that cab

Just digging

Got the windows tinted
and a bass tune hitting

Digging!

Creeping past the po-po, incognito

Like Joe Dirt, that's how he's living

Life's a garden, man
and he's just digging

Wearing a cat hat with a meow-meow kitty

Rolls up in the club, pimpin' like Diddy

With the beer tipping
Just sippin' on suds

Putting shots back
and tripping with his buds

No thank you.

Old comic books in mint condition
for 1 0 cents apiece.

Give old...

Well long story short we stomped
those three dudes so hard

they got to take their boots off to piss.

Anyway this... Motherfucker!

Seriously? Seriously?

-What is it 201 5?
-Oh my God.

l thought l had this turned off.
This is embarrassing.

Joe l want to talk to you.

l like you. You have funny hair but l like you.

Hey funny guy.

As a matter of fact if you want to
stay awake right nowʼ

you'll still be on the roadʼ
in the middle of nowhere.

Your call. REM.

That's so stupid.

No thank you.

Man old comic books in mint condition
for 1 0 cents apiece.

You give old Joe Dirt lemonadeʼ
he's gonna give you... Fuck you!

One more then l gotta go to lunch.

Wait you're twisting stuff.
Like l say somethingʼ

and then you say it back different.

You're supposed to be
a nice guardian angel like...

l don't picture people like you.

-Anyway l don't get horny by...
-Let's go.

l don't get horny... l'm gonna get it out.

l don't get horny from animal sex.
But l like Jessica Rabbit.

-Really?
-She's fuckable yeah.

-l kind of get a gay vibe from you.
-Yeah l've heard that.

Can someone open this for me?

Did somebody fart on this?

What did l do?

What? Those two farts were accidents.
Wait. No. What?

"Wait. No. What?"

What? l have a medical condition.
They did it on purpose.

Fine. l don't even work here.

Stuff you actually made up to sound cool
because you were on shroomsʼ

but actually makes you sound like a dipshit.

So l'm gonna say no.

Hey, John. I'm up here at Load C.
Some asshole went diarrhea all over the seat.

Copy that. When can you start?

-Laugh like me.
-Okay.

-All right.
-We're good? Okay.

-That's it. Cut.
-That's a cut.