Joe Dirt (2001) - full transcript

MAN: Testing.
Testing, testing.

One, two, three.

(LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S
SWEET HOME ALABAMA PLAYING)

Turn it up.

Whoo!

♪ Big wheels keep on turning

♪ Carry me home to see my kin

♪ Singing songs about
the Southland ♪

(WOMEN SHOUTING)
Dang! Whoo!

♪ I miss Alabamy once again
And I think it's a sin, yes ♪

That's what I'm talkin'
about. LA!



(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hold up. Ho.

GUARD: Radio station I.D.

Coming to work.

Joe Dirte.

Don't try and church it up,
son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt?

Naming you that, your daddy
must've really hated you.

You're wrong, brother. I got a
good name for this car. Rusty.

Shit'll buff out.
Don't bother.

Jeez, drive this piece of crap
off a cliff. Do us all a favor.

This look like a piece of crap
to you?

You like them spinning tires,
do you?

You suck!
You do!

Did he hurt you, baby?



(LAUGHING)

People like
that security guard,

they don't really mean
what they say.

They just got their own
issues and whatnot.

All's I got to do is keep
being a good person.

No matter what,
good things'll come my way.

Everything's gonna
happen for me,

just as long as I never
have "no" in my heart.

(TOILET FLUSHES) Can't a guy
even take a dump in peace? Psycho.

Right on.

Things are gonna happen
for me. I'm Joe Dirt!

I think I'm gonna go to the
restroom and take a big Joe.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't forget to wipe
your dirt. (LAUGHING)

You boys got something
to say to me?

Why don't
you talk in the microphone?

I got a backup mic
right here.

Check, one, two.
Testing, testing.

Yeah, they're both working,
and guess what?

They don't like no feedback.
What's up?

(GRUNTS)

What's going on out here?
You got to keep it down.

Zander Kelly's on the air.

Whoa. What's the deal
with your haircut?

I'm sorry about the noise,
sir.

Um, this ain't no haircut.
This is a wig.

A wig?

Look at you. Jesus.

You know what? I got
somebody I want you to meet.

Why don't you come with me?
Come on.

MAN ON RADIO: Yeah,
that's what I thought.

This is Zander Kelly. You're
listening to 98.6, KXLA.

All aberration radio,
all the time.

Hey, Zander, Zander,
you got to see this guy.

God almighty.
Manna from inbred heaven.

Hey, freak boy. 1976 called,
it wants its hairstyle back.

Zander, get this. This
is a wig. It's a wig?

What are you
wearing a wig for?

What are you doing, stunt work
for Billy Ray Cyrus?

Freddy, go get Free Bird boy here an
all-access laminate for the show in perpetuity.

I'm wringing this chamois
as long as I can.

You are exquisitely pathetic.
What's your name, pal?

Uh, it's Joe Dirt. But if you're
just gonna make fun of me, man,

I'll just go back to mopping.

Sit down, let me take another
tact here.

Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?

Well, I was born without
the top of my skull,

and I guess a little bit of my brains was
showing. It was grossing everybody out,

so my mom put this wig
on me to cover it up.

And then the bones grew together
and it got all infused and entwined.

I mean, I don't mean to get
all scientific or whatever.

Why didn't your mom
change the wig later?

Actually, we got separated
when I was eight. I got lost.

You trying to tell me you've been
on your own since eight years old?

Pretty much, man.
It's a long story, actually.

Listen to you.
What's the story here?

"I'm a white-trash idiot. "
The end.

Hey, is this where you want to
be when Jesus comes back, man?

Making fun
of poor little Joe Dirt?

Probably, because I'm sure
Yahweh would be chiming in, too.

That's funny, 'cause my mom used to say
that to me if she caught me doing stuff.

Like one time, I was jerkin'
my gherkin. Can I say that?

And she goes, "Is this where you
want to be when Jesus comes back?"

She sounds like a real winner, and it's
amazing to me that you turned out like you did

with that sort of,
uh, mentoring.

Hey, man, I... I can't say
don't make fun of me,

but you really shouldn't
make fun of my mom.

Hey, you guys, you gotta come
hear this guy on the Zander show.

Listen. You're on your own. The
family's ditched you. What happens next?

I mean, do you really care? It's
actually not an easy story to tell.

Hey, I got four hours
a day to fill, man.

It's not often I get a freak
like you plopped into my lap.

Go ahead. I'm a roast.
Baste me.

All right, man.

See, my parents and my sister and
I all went to the Grand Canyon.

And while they was checking out the
sights and the donkeys and whatnot,

I somehow got separated
from 'em.

Easy shot.

Ow! Hey, Dad, look.
It's the good stuff.

None of that pussy
Skoal, right, Dad?

Dad?

Mom!

Dad!

Mom! Dad!

Where are you?

Dad!

Mom!

Where are you?

You can come out now.

(BIRD CAWING)

So there I was. A lot of kids would have
been scared, but I was all tough about it.

I started walkin' till the cops picked
me up and put me into a foster home.

Like this one guy I fostered
out to for about a month,

he'd take me hunting
with him and his dog.

(DUCK QUACKING) I thought
hunting would be, you know,

more fun than it was.

(GUNSHOT)

Now, see, boy? He goes off and fetches
the duck. You see how that works?

Fun, huh?

Yeah!

After that I spent some time with
these people who worked on a farm.

I learned cows don't find
bottle rockets as funny as I do.

(MOOING)
(CHEERING)

Yee-haw! Oh, yeah.

(FARTS)

(FARTS)
(SHOUTS)

(COW MOOS)

Then there was this one old lady,
had me for a couple of weeks.

I don't wanna be unkind, but this
woman was a little off-balance.

You're to be scrubbed clean
before supper,

and that means washed under your
fingernails and back of your ears and

dressed in your Sunday best.

I expect your schoolwork to be done every
night and laid out for my inspection.

Is that clear?
Yes, ma'am.

Uh, can I push him off my leg?

He'll stop humping
as soon as he's done.

(DOG YELPS)

Well, the year was 1982.

I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten
into a little trouble here and there,

so I was living in
a juvie home for boys,

and I was getting ready to
split that scene, and pronto.

(BOB SEGER'S
RAMBLIN' GAMBLIN' MAN PLAYS)

♪ Ramblin' man Lord, I got
to gamble Gamblin' man ♪

Bob Seger? Be honest. Back then
you were listening to Leif Garrett.

It's probably more like this.

(LEIF GARRETT'S I WAS
MADE FOR DANCIN' PLAYS)

♪ I was made for dancin'

♪ I... ♪ (NEEDLE
SCRATCHES ACROSS RECORD)

No, sir, man.
I don't like that crap.

I'm a rocker, dude,
through and through.

Here's my favorite bands. AC/DC, Van
Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...

All right. I want you to settle down.
Don't make me call your probie officer here.

And riddle me this...

Other than the fact that you dig
looking like Jane Fonda in Klute,

why don't you cut the wig now?

Well, yeah.
I guess I could do that.

Zander just asked this Joe Dirt guy
why he doesn't cut his wig right now,

and you can tell he's never
thought of it. (LAUGHING)

Now, you know, except for the
ratty 'stache and the pork chops,

you're pretty clean-shaven for a
kid who lives in a trash can, no?

Well, I don't need to shave, 'cause it
don't grow in right here and right here.

Now, you're telling me that you're
so ingrained with white-trash DNA

that your facial hair actually grows in
on its own all white-trashy like that?

Uh, I don't know what you're saying,
but that's what's going on, yeah.

So, back to the story here.
You're on your own...

I'm just kinda campin' out or whatever,
and this goes on for years, until one night

something amazing happened.

Man, a shooting star. I
gotta make a wish. I wish...

I knew what happened that one
day at that Grand Canyon place.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa, it's a meteorite.
Whoa, check it out! That's cool!

Oh, man, look at you. You're probably
made out of some precious metal

and everyone's gonna want you,
but you want to be with me!

Right on! You're Joe Meteorite,
and I'm Joe Dirt! Whoo!

Here on Earth, we call
this place a town.

A town is a place where everyone
hates you. Kids all try to beat you up.

Whoa, that's so flat.

Awesome.

This is gonna be awesome.

Holy crap, ladies.

Hey, Junior Dirt Bag. (LAUGHING)
You talkin' to your rock?

It ain't no rock,
it's a meteor, dum-dum.

What did it do, land on your barber's
head while he was cuttin' your hair?

Why don't you go practice falling
down. I'll be there in a minute.

Hey. You wanna fight, you little queer?

Queer? Is this queer?

Are these queer? What's up?
What's up?

Look at this guy.
He must be retarded.

Hey, retard,
you aren't worth it.

Come on. Let's go.
Yeah? You are.

What a wuss. I mean,
you aren't... worth it.

I told them, meteor.
You had my back.

You're cool.
Whoa, what's that?

Five dollars. That's mine now.
You're my lucky meteor. Right on!

I'll hold your half for ya.

Meteor, we call this here
"Bein' in burger heaven. "

Mmm. Oh, yeah.

(CHATTERING)
(DIRT SIGHS)

I need to find a home, Meteor.

We need some stability
in our lives, man.

We need to settle down.
Life gets hard, you know?

Yeah. Come on, now.
It's a little bumpy.

Whoa-ho-ho. Look at that
town, Meteor. That's pretty.

I bet people in a town like that will
be nice to us. Let's go down there.

Come on.

Yeah.

No way I'd ever sell you,
Meteor. Not in a million years.

But just for laughs, let's
see how much you're worth.

Well, it ain't a meteor. Yeah,
it is. It came out of the sky.

Well, I'm sure it did, but it ain't no
meteor. It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.

What?
Oh, yeah.

See, them airplanes dump
their toilets at 36,000 feet,

and the stuff freezes
and falls to earth.

We call 'em Boeing bombs.

No, that can't be.
That's not what it is.

Oh, afraid so.

You see the peanut?
Dead giveaway.

Yeah, that's... That's
a space peanut.

Well, afraid not.

This is a big old frozen
chunk of poopie.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHUCKLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)
Dude, you were eating off it.

(CHUCKLING) Okay, okay,
that's too much, too much.

Then what happened?

Well, then I got a dog.

You're telling me you'd rather have
a dog than a frozen hunk of crap?

DIRT: See, it wasn't really
my dog. It was this girl's dog.

I was livin' in the woods outside
of that postcard town I said.

It's called Silvertown.

And I'd come in to steal
stuff, you know, food, whatever.

And then one winter...

(DOG BARKING)

(DOG HOWLING)

(WHINING)

Are you okay, boy?

Oh, no. Are your nuts
frozen to the porch?

(WHINING)

Oh, that sucks. Don't pull up.

(DOG WHINES)

Who are you? It's okay.
I was just walking by.

I think your dog's in a little
trouble here. What's wrong?

I think his... Well, you know
how when you get your tongue

frozen in a freezer
'cause it's all wet?

I think he got...

Nuts frozen to the porch?

Yes, exactly.

Oh, baby! What do we do?

We got to do something, so do
you have something inside? Yeah.

(WHINING)
Shh. Don't pull up.

It's okay, don't move. It's gonna
stretch 'em more. That's bad.

No. Ow. That's...
That's wrong.

That's way wrong. Do you
got, like, warm water and...

A fork!

Yeah. No. Ow. What?

No, no.
A spatula thing. The flat one.

I'm sorry, buddy.
Just give her a second. Dang.

I got it. Now what?

Here's what we do. I just pour a
little water on here. Now, you hold him.

Easy. Now, this ain't no
flapjack. Gotta go real easy.

Should loosen it up
a little bit.

And I'm gonna go...
I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.

(BOTH GROAN)
One, two, three, go.

There.
Hey, buddy, you're free.

Aw, dang.
Good boy!

Good job!

You might want to spray this
whole porch down with PAM,

you know, so it doesn't
happen again.

Okay.
What's his name?

Charlie.
Charlie.

And mine's Brandy.

Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Brandy, get your ass in the
kitchen and fire up that stove.

You got some cookin' to do.

Daddy, can we have my new
friend Joe over for supper?

What, are you nuts, girl? We ain't
runnin' no soup kitchen here, boy.

Scat! Get out of here!

Long-haired hippie freak.

I'll be your friend.

For some reason, and
I have no idea why,

Brandy always wanted
to hang out with me.

And I had Charlie,
so that was cool.

(BARKS)

For the next couple of years,
the three of us was hanging out

at the farm in Silvertown. And that was
the closest thing I ever had to a home.

Till one day...

(WHOOPING)

Oh, Dirt, did I get you?

Nah, I'm cool.
No, you're not.

Where's Brandy?

She's out riding her horse.
She'll be back in a minute.

You guys want to play bumper pool? No.

How does she put up
with you, Dirt?

That's a good question, man.
She's great, though, ain't she?

You know, sometimes it's like
she likes me or something.

Yeah, dream on, Dirtboy.

A girl like that's way out of
your league. She wants my body.

No, I know, man.
That's all... That's for you.

I'm... I'm not... We're just totally
friends. She's out of my league.

Don't ever forget it, Dirt.

Check this out, Robby.
This is a good month. Dang.

This guy's got a dash mat for
a '69 Nova he wants to sell,

and a car cover for any Dodge
from '79 to '84.

Man, you don't even
have a car.

I know, but that's a deal,
what he wants.

They're usually 80 bucks at
Checker, and this guy wants 40, man.

Hey, look at this.
Charlie, see that?

This guy's selling a Hurst speed
shifter with a pool-ball grip.

One day I'll have a car
that badass.

I'll be chirping gears and
pulling brodies, going, "Rr-rr-rr!"

You'll stick your head out the window
and check out chick dogs, going,

"What's up, baby?"

Boy, I swear I oughta
slap you silly.

I tell you what. Why don't you
practice spittin' out teeth,

'cause I swear I'm gonna...
(HORSE WHINNIES)

Whoa, whoa.

Dang.
Dang.

Hi, Joe. Come here.

What's up, goat-roper?

Not much, pig-licker.

Watch the gun, baby.
That's how I get the gals.

Come on. I'll treat you
to a Dairy Queen.

Why are you being all nice?

I am always nice to you,
Joe Dirt.

Hey, Brandy.
Can I come too?

Robby, I only have
enough money for me and Joe.

(HORSE WHINNIES)
Come on, Joe.

Let's do it!
Come on, Charlie!

Come on, boy!

Oh, God. She is so fine.

Yeah. One day,
I'm gonna marry that girl.

(EDDIE MONEY'S I THINK
I'M IN LOVE PLAYING)

♪ Ooh, something's got
a hold of me now

♪ It's a feeling

Stop!

♪ Burnin' like a love
on fire ♪

Oh, there you are.

Gimme that mutt. I'm
takin' him huntin' with me.

Daddy, you been drinkin'.

Ah, shut the hell up
and just give me the mutt now.

Hey, if you're taking the dog,
I'll go with him.

'Cause I've been hunting
before. You, hunt?

Wouldn't even use you as
a retriever. (GUFFAWING)

That was a good one. All
right, Charlie, get in the car.

(WHINING)

Charlie, you mangy mutt. Get in
the damn car, you flea-bitten,

butt-lickin'...
(MUTTERING)

son of a bitch.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Two!
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah!

(WARNING BELLS CLANGING)
What?

Hey!

Hey, my foot's stuck!

(CLANGING CONTINUES)
(TRAIN HORN SOUNDING)

Charlie. Charlie, come here.
Come here, Charlie.

My foot's stuck, see?
See, my foot's stuck?

I need your help. I need you
to go find Sheriff Williams.

Now, go on. Go bring help.
Go get help now.

Go get him. Run, Charlie!
Run like the wind!

Run!

Run, Charlie.

(MOANS)

(TRAIN WHEELS CLACKING)

That stupid dog better
be bringing somebody.

Your dad always hunt
this long?

Hey, there's Charlie!

Charlie!

Hi! There's my buddy.
Where have you been?

(SIREN)

There you go, Don.
Take 'er easy.

Oh, my God!

There's that worthless mutt!

What happened? This is all
that goddamn dog's fault!

And I'm puttin' him down.

No, you can't!

Guess who came back, Charlie?

(GUNSHOT)
(DIRT SCREAMING)

Joe, he's okay now.
He's in dog heaven.

You gave him a great
last couple years.

Well, I'll sprinkle his ashes.
They'll drift out to sea.

He would've liked that.

I can't do it.

I'm taking him with me.

Taking him with you? But...
Where are you going?

Brandy, you see that moon?

You don't know how many nights I
spent alone staring at that moon

wondering if at that exact moment, my mom
or my dad was looking at the same moon.

And for that brief second, we were
together again, kind of, you know?

When I was with Charlie, I
didn't miss that moon so much.

Brandy, I got a hole in my
heart. I don't know how to fix it.

I got to find out what happened
that day at the Grand Canyon.

I don't care how long it
takes. I gotta do it.

But what if when you're gone some guy
asks me to marry him, and you're not here?

What's that got to do with me?
We're always gonna be buddies, right?

Well, if I get married,

we might move, and you might
not know where to find me.

You are gonna make
some guy so happy.

I just hope whoever he is,
he deserves a girl like you.

God, that Brandy has a
nice ass, doesn't she?

I mean, I get this loser
talking about the moon

and walking his dog, and all
the time I'm thinking about

Brandy's well-manicured backyard
in those cutoff shorts... Ouch!

Yeah, she's cool.
Anyway, so there I was,

on my own again, looking for my parents,
but I don't know their last names.

It's Dirt. Isn't that the name
on the family crest? Dirt.

No, see, my last name's Dirt. My dad
made my last name Dirt for some reason.

Anyway, I just put an "e" on
it, pronounce it "Deer-tay. "

It's no big deal. It
actually sounds pretty cool.

But see, I don't know
their last name.

And I remember my sister yelling
it in my face when I was growing up.

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt!

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of...

I couldn't remember my real
last name.

So I knew it was
gonna be hard to find 'em.

Right, so what'd you do?

Right, so then I needed
some money.

I hopped a train out of Silvertown
and headed east for the big city.

Then I got lucky.

I got myself a real
important job in advertising.

Molar World. Walk-ins welcome.
There you go.

Molar World. One for the kid?
Sure.

Molar W...

What's up?

Oh, my God.

Competition orange, '67.

This thing's a Hemi!

Ma'am, are you selling
this car?

Oh, yeah. It literally
just went on to the market.

How much you want for it?

What do you got?

Practically nothing.

I'm looking for my parents.

They lost me at the Grand
Canyon more than ten years ago.

So all my money goes towards that. I
don't have pictures of them or nothing.

You don't even have a picture of them? Aww. Well, my ex
- husband, before he died...

Oh. I'm sorry.

Nah. I killed him.

He used to beat me, so one night I
just pushed him into the wood chipper.

Told the cops he fell.

Good for you. But he used
to be a police sketch artist.

Oh, he was damn good too.

The victims would give him
the worst descriptions,

and he would draw them out
like photographs.

He could do anything,
you know?

Like age progression and...

That's it. That's what I'll do for
my parents. How much does that cost?

Oh, about 360 bucks.

Then that's what
I need to make. Thank you.

And I'm sorry I can't buy
your beautiful Hemi.

Oh, no, you can.

Give me what you got in
your pocket, and she's yours.

For real?

You hear that, Charlie?
We got us a Hemi, brother.

That lady gave me a great
idea. Hey, Dirt! Dirt!

Storm's coming in! Get up on the
roof and put some bricks in the tooth!

DIRT: Gotcha.

(SCREAMS)

My tooth! My tooth!

Help!

Hey! Go back!

I can see down your shirt.

What an ass.

Hey, boss,
I'm goin' on a break.

Hey! Airplane! Help me!

Oh, that's not professional.

(JOE WALSH'S
ROCKY MOUNTAIN WAY PLAYING)

♪ Spent the last year,
Rocky Mountain Way

♪ Couldn't get much higher ♪

I'd floated all the way to
North Dakota.

And there I was, scared to death, as
I dropped like a stone from the sky.

Go back! Go back!

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHING)

But then the most amazing
thing happened.

I landed next to an oil rig,
and they was hiring people.

And what they paid was like
a sign from above

that I was
meant to find my parents.

(FRANTIC SHOUTING)

Coming down!

Hey, bro, come on down!

Yeah, baby. Come on, now.
Get loose.

Whoa, man, I got it.
It's comin'.

I'll pay for this. I'm new!

I'm new.
I don't know what to do!

Hey, man, you done
with that apple core?

(FARTS)

I'm done with that fart.
You want that?

Maybe if it came out of Charlene
Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.

MAN: Yeah, you probably
like J. R., you queer.

I saw your bumper sticker,
"Cowboys' butts drive me nuts. "

Is that right?
You think that's queer?

Is this queer? They're large and
in charge and lookin' for chickies.

You wanna back that up?

You wanna fight? Why don't you stick
your head up my butt and fight for air?

That's it. You and me.
Let's go.

You know, I would. I'd love to beat
your ass up and down this place.

I got to go back to work.

Yo, Dirt. You're fired.

Here's your week's pay.
(MEN LAUGHING)

Dang.

(MEN SHOUTING, CHEERING)

Yeah!

What's up here?
Look down there.

What's going on? Here I come.

(GROANS)

Luckily, my neck broke
my fall.

I guess you won the battle.

Yeah!
DIRT: But I won the war.

If you're covered in oil,
don't stand next to a fire.

(MAN SCREAMING)

Now that's day-one stuff.

Keep that Skoal, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.

So I had my 360 bucks.

The next day I was gonna try
the police sketch thing,

but something happened
to my head.

See, I spent the night in what I
thought was an abandoned circus tent.

But I guess
it wasn't no circus.

I was totally bombed
on insecticide, I think.

(INCOHERENT SINGING)

So needless to say,
I was in no shape

to do anybody any good
with my recollections.

The guy doing the police sketch
thought I was messin' with him

'cause my dad came out
looking like Father Time...

and my mom came out
too butch, and

looking way too much
like Richard Ramirez.

You know, the Night Stalker?
Remember that guy?

As my head cleared, I realized
I needed a different approach.

Then I got a brainstorm... Hire
an Indian tracker to help me.

Man, that's a great idea.
They could find anything.

It's like in the movies.
So I headed for a reservation.

You want me to put
my ear to the ground,

listen for hoofbeats,

check for footprints?

Look for broken twigs?

But this is the modern age.

That stuff doesn't work anymore, which
is why I had to open this fireworks stand.

I wasn't getting by
on my tracking wages.

Come on. You're supposed to
be good at tracking stuff, man.

I've got to find my parents.

And I've got to figure out
a way to sell more fireworks.

I'm going broke
with this venture also.

I see you got them
snakes and sparklers

but where's
the good stuff, man?

Good stuff? This is the good
stuff, snakes and sparklers.

Are you nuts, dude? You need
stuff that explodes, go boom!

Why is that good?

You might as well ask,
"Why is a tree good?

"Why is a sunset good?
Why are boobs good?"

Man, firecrackers.

You stick 'em in mailboxes,
you drop 'em in toilets.

You shove 'em up
bullfrogs' asses.

I would never do that,

'cause I'm gonna be
a veterinarian.

Well, there you go.

Someone shoves an M-80 up a
bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces,

he comes back to you
to fix it.

You win twice, brother.
It's good biz.

So you're gonna tell me that
you don't have no Black Cats,

no Roman candles
or Screamin' Mimis?

No. Oh, come on, man. You
don't got no Ladyfingers,

Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs,
Church Burners, Finger Blasters,

Gut Busters, Zip-a-dee-do-dahs
or Crap Flappers?

No, I don't. You're gonna stand
there owning a fireworks stand

and tell me you don't have
no Whistling Bungholes,

no Spleen Splitters,
Whisker Biscuits,

Honky Lighters,
Husker Du's, Husker Don'ts,

Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers, with
or without the scooter stick,

or one single
Whistling Kitty Chaser?

No.
Wha...

'Cause snakes and sparklers
are the only ones I like.

Well, that might be
your problem.

It's not what you like.
It's the consumer.

Whee! Lookie there.

Oh, that's happening, man. We
should get bleachers over here.

People'll come from miles
around to see this thing.

Feast your eyes
on a feast of smoke.

Oh, dang. It's out. Oh, CNN's
gonna turn around and go home now.

What's going on, man? I saw a
snail over there and he said,

"That thing's slow. It ain't movin'
fast. It's boring and dull. I'm yawning. "

That's a snail watching that.
There's a snail in the desert?

Yeah, a spaceship
dropped him off.

Don't focus on the wrong
part of the story, brother.

And the snail can talk?

Yeah, because they gave
him powers, the aliens.

They made his little voice box... Dude,
I'm just sayin' it's dull, all right?

This ain't fun. Look at
that little piece of char.

You need explosions.
You need stuff going on, man.

No wonder this thing's going under.
You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.

Well...

I got these two sticks.

Oh, dang. These are yours? These are
Roman candles, brother. That's good stuff.

Get this thing full
of lighter fluid.

Yeah.

The Roman candle.
Step back a little bit.

Yee!
That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's beautiful. Beautiful? I'm
looking for "righteously kick-ass. "

You know what we need?
Gasoline.

Yeah.

Breakfast of champions.

All right, you might want to take
a few extra steps back on this one.

God.

Oh, man.
What did I trip over?

There's something metal
sticking out of the ground.

You okay?

What is this thing, man?

Maybe we should take it over to that
place, the laboratory over in the next town,

Los Alamos.

That symbol looks very stern.

Yeah, man. That's definitely what
we should do. That's the right thing.

But first...

Yeah, jam that in
the gas bucket.

We'll shoot fireballs at it. We gotta
step way back. This is gonna be fun.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at that shit!

Oh, man, we're gonna get so
busted! Let's get out of here!

(SCREAMING)

What happened, man?

You tripped over that object in
the ground. You were knocked out.

That thing's
an atom bomb, man.

I got an idea.

"Canyon Rubberneckers
tour bus.

"The Grand Canyon's number-one
purveyor of fine bus tours. "

I still don't see why we're
going to the tour bus company.

Don't you see? All the tourists at
the canyon that day my parents lost me,

they had cameras.

And you can't tell me, in
all those pictures they took,

there won't be some
that accidentally

have me and my parents
in 'em, man.

The company'll have records
of who used the tour that day.

But that was more
than ten years ago.

Besides, they won't just
hand the records over to us.

We're just an Indian
and some guy.

Uh-uh, man.

You can't have "no" in your heart.
"No" is not an option, brother.

You're not just an Indian.
You're Kicking Wing. All right?

And one day, you're gonna be
Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.

And then you should change your
name to Kicking Ass. I would.

Oh, man. Swerve them potholes.
You know, because of the atom bomb.

Ah.

One swing, and this here ball-peen
hammer will trigger this A-bomb,

and it'll blow up the whole
city, maybe even half the country.

Now, here's what I need.

I need you to give
me the records

of everybody who toured the
Grand Canyon on them buses

June 13, 1979.

I'm not messin' around. I'll hit
it. And then it goes bang. All right?

Now, while I'm
up here waiting,

you.
Me?

Show me them boobies.

Dang.

Now, even you liked the way
that chick looked, didn't you?

Even me? What's that
supposed to mean, man?

I'm just saying, I'm beginning to doubt
your hetero street credentials here.

I mean, never putting
the moves on Brandy...

Brandy, man...
She's too beautiful.

She's way too hot for me.

He has no idea
that Brandy even likes him.

His voice is so sexy. I wonder
what he looks like. (GIGGLES)

ZANDER: You're standing there
with an atom bomb.

Could be Fat Man, could be Little
Boy. We'll nail that down later.

But anyway, did you get
the names you wanted?

Yeah, I did, but by the way,
it wasn't no atom bomb.

Turns out, some skateboarder slapped a
Biohazard band sticker on the side of this

septic tank for an R.V.

Anyway, the cops knew
it wasn't a bomb right away.

Yeah. Who hasn't seen
that scenario played out?

It's just an old crapper tank,
people.

(PEOPLE GROANING)

Kicking Wing!
Stop it.

Somebody help me!

Help me!

Ew!

Is it done?
How much is in there?

I got the poo on me.

ZANDER: You are so pathetic.

They decided not even
to arrest me.

They said being covered in that
stinky stuff was punishment enough.

Don't you get it, man? Stinky stuff is
your milieu. Okay? This is your deal.

You are an underachievement
nexus in the universe, and

it's always gonna be
like this, Joey.

No, man, but you gotta keep
going. What am I gonna do, quit?

That's not an option.
You got to keep on keepin' on.

Life's a garden, dig it?
You make it work for you.

You never give up, man. That's my
philosophy. You hear that in there?

You know, the thing that
drives me crazy and

fascinates me
at the same time

is that you are so unrelentingly
upbeat about your plight.

I need more, man. I'll be honest with
you. I want to see you in here tomorrow.

I want to hear more
of the saga of Joe Dirt.

All right. Thanks, you guys.

All right, Joe!

Yeah, baby.

(DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
CRASH INTO ME PLAYING)

♪ You've got your ball
You've got your chain

♪ Tied to me tight
Tie me up again

♪ Who's got the claws
in you my friend

♪ Into your heart
Heart beat again

♪ Sweet like candy
to my soul

♪ Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll

♪ Lost for you
I'm so lost for you

♪ Oh, and you come crash

♪ Into me ♪

MAN: You're listening to
the Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

All right.
Good morning, troops.

This is Zander Kelly,
and you, of course,

are careening headlong
into yet another hellish day

in the tiny existence you
laughingly refer to as your life.

I'm here with Joe Dirt.

Joey, the tale could not be told in
one day, and we've asked you back today.

I might say the joint looks great.
The toilets are freshly scrubbed.

The floor is spick-and-span.

Hey, Joe, did you use the stuff
with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?

They clean the bowl
so you don't have to.

(CHUCKLES)
No, I didn't.

Yesterday, provide a little
back-story for the listeners,

you were telling us that
you were covered in crap,

and you are a complete loser.

Have I nailed
the pertinent facts?

Well, let me emphasize to the listeners
those are your words, not mine.

Sorry, Billy Jack. So now
you have a bunch of names

of people who might actually have a
photograph of you and your parents, right?

Right.
I got a big bunch of names.

So now I got to span the
country to find all these people,

to see if anybody's got a
photograph from that one day.

"Anderson, Anders,
Asnov, Ast... "

I mean, all these people were
on them tour buses that day?

"Belitnikoff... " It's gonna take
forever, man. But I gotta do it.

Joe Dirt, I wish you luck. I hope
you find what you're looking for.

And remember that town
you're always talking about.

Yeah, Silvertown, man.

Yes. Silvertown. You make it sound
like the most wonderful place.

So you've always got Silvertown.
Remember that, Joe Dirt.

And you remember to keep on keepin'
on, man, and you'll be a veterinarian,

'cause I believe people get
what they really, really want

especially a cool guy
like you, Kicking Wing.

You know what?

You're my first real friend I've
found outside of Charlie and Brandy.

Oh. Okay.

That's good. That's good.

DIRT: That hug was completely
asexual. He kind of snuck it up on me.

ZANDER: Whateveryou gotta
tell yourself, Joe Dirt.

(MUMBLING)

KICKING WING:
I love you, Joe Dirt.

DIRT: So I hit the road
with my list of names,

looking for tourists who might
have photos of my folks.

I hit pay dirt when I got a
job with a traveling carnival

and that's when things
got a little weird.

(GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
WHO DO YOU LOVE PLAYING)

♪ Come on take a little walk with
me baby, and tell me who do you love?

♪ Who do you love?

♪ Around the town
I use a rattlesnake whip

♪ Take it easy baby
don't you give me no lip

♪ Who do you love?

♪ I've got a tombstone hand
and a graveyard mind

♪ I'm just twenty-two
and I don't mind dying

♪ Who do you love?

♪ Yeah, who do you love? ♪

Dang.

Can I go again? Please?

No, you've been on the ride long
enough. It's time to go home.

I got you, buddy. Who's this chick
over here? That your girlfriend?

You should see my girlfriend.
You'd shit yourself.

Really?

Tell you what. I'm gonna
give you a free spin.

I'm gonna talk to your lady
friend over there. How 'bout that?

Yes!

DIRT: Good job, sir. Yeah, keep 'em
straight like that. Good strategy.

You know, the life of a carnival
worker keeps me free and untethered.

I know. That's why I was
immediately attracted to you.

I could tell you
were an outlaw.

Is that right? Yeah, I am kind of
an outlaw through and through, baby.

MAN: Damn. Good toss
there, sir. Good one.

You know, society's
got no hold on this outlaw.

Damn it! All right,
all right. Real close.

You know, I'm like a bird. Actually,
more like a hard-ass pterodactyl.

(CAWING)

MAN: This is bullshit!

Hey, God forbid you don't win after
throwing only two quarters, man.

It's a business.
It ain't UNICEF, okay?

I got a good mind to take my outlaw ass
and... Yeah, you better walk away, hardass.

Some people, right?

I know.

So later on, I'm pickin' up my Hemi
Road Runner. That's right, I said Hemi.

Wow. A Hemi?

Balls to the wall.
Oh, yeah.

I left it here.
Friend's house.

Well, actually it got towed two years ago.
But I'm gonna pick it up this afternoon.

I might need
a pretty little lady

to sit on the front seat with
me while I break her in...

The car, I mean.

What do you say?

That's a big 10-4.

Hey, my man. I got a big date
tonight. I'm here to pick up my ride.

License and registration?

Yes, sir.

She's gonna freak out
when she sees my wheels.

Total impound fees
come to $3,496.

Plus 35 bucks for the tow.

What?

Three thousand, man... That's
more than I paid for the whole car!

Oh. Hmm. Interesting.

You want it or not?
Yeah, but...

I think that all I got's,
like, 450 bucks.

This is a business.
This is not a charity.

Maybe one day UNICEF will
get into the impound business.

(FLY BUZZING) But until
then, we're the people to see.

I'll tell you what I could do.

I could sell you a car
for 450 bucks, but

it ain't gonna be no Hemi.

(ENGINE STARTS)

I thought you had a Hemi.

Yeah, I had to have a
footprint gas pedal installed.

So I stole this pile.

Oh. My outlaw.

That's right. Let's go.

So, I had fun tonight.

Even though you took me to the
carnival that I was already at.

Yeah, I had fun too. Hey,
listen. Can I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm.

If I told you you had a beautiful
body, would you hold it against me?

Sure would.

Wanna go to my place?
Sure do.

(GIGGLING)

All right. Finish your story. Why
do you live with foster parents?

Well, because when I was,
like, nine or ten years old

my parents pulled over on the side of
the road to look at that big dinosaur

out there in California,
Mm-hmm.

And the next thing I knew,
they were gone.

Wait a minute.
Did you have a brother?

Mm-hmm. I did.

So, you wanna go back
in the house?

We can have sex.
(CHUCKLES)

(WHIRRING)

She's your sister, dude. She's gotta
be. And you made out with her, man!

What's wrong with you,
you pervert?

Well, I didn't know she was
my sister when I kissed her.

So it's not my fault. And she's one
of the hottest girls on the planet.

You just said
your sister's hot!

What a freak!
You're goin' to hell, man!

I got to tell her what
happened, why I got weird.

And for God's sakes, I got to
treat her like a sister.

(WOMAN MOANING)
(BED SPRING SQUEAKING)

Joe...

ALL: Oh!
Joe, no!

We've got questions comin'
in from... (PHONES RINGING)

Boss, the phones are goin'
nuts. That was a bombshell.

Wait, wait, man. I found out
later that she wasn't my sister.

Oh, thank God!

Thank God, dude! That was
gonna be a little much.

So I did a real
bad thing there,

'cause I think you're
my sister.

Is that all?
No!

My family's last name is Buckwalter.
My brother's name is Cletis.

So, you see, we're not
related. We can have sex again.

(GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
BAD TO THE BONE PLAYS)

(MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)

Joe, what's the matter?
Don't I turn you on?

I don't know
what the problem is.

Well, would it help if you went
back to thinkin' I'm your sister?

Like I'm some sort of
white-trash perv?

I'm your sister!
I'm your sister!

DIRT: Oh, you're my sister!

Oh, no!
I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.

I just made that last part up for
laughs, you guys, I'm tellin' you.

(LAUGHING)
Let's break it off for today.

You haul your mangy ass in here
tomorrow morning, and we will continue

the fascinating saga
that I'm now referring to as

"The Legend of Dirty Joe. "
(LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)

Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here
right now. Please leave a message.

(BEEPS)

Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.
I'm out in L.A.

They got me on a radio station
tellin' my story to everybody.

I didn't get
to the sad part yet.

I'm guessin' you had reasons
for doin' what you did.

And I guess I'm just callin'
to say goodbye.

I miss you, Brandy.

Okay.

MAN: You're listening to
The Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

ZANDER: Good morning, L.A.
Zander here. We're sittin' with

the king of all dirt-balls,
Mr. Joe Dirt.

You know, last night when I went
home, rented The Andromeda Strain,

just so I could simulate immersion
into that bacteriologically unsound

world you call your day-to-day
life. And I feel like

I know where you live. I've
got you in my crosshairs now.

Uh, we're gonna go back
to your story, pick it up.

What really happened was,
I had a car now

so I left the carnival and kept
runnin' down the names on my list

lookin' for people who took
those photos at the Grand Canyon.

Somewhere in Indiana
I hit a little snag.

I found a guy who had pictures,
but he turned out to be a freak.

I guess this is the place.
Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.

But people say Joe Dirt's a
weird name, and how cool am I?

Excuse me, sir.

Hey, there, young fella.

Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy
named Buffalo Bob.

Real name's Tim.
How can I help you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you about
the time you went to the Grand Canyon.

Sure. Why don't you come on inside?
What'd you say your name was?

Joe Dirt.

It puts the lotion on!

You have no idea what kind
of hell I can bring you!

Oh, all right!

Enough, you broken record! Okay! I've
been down here for two weeks, man.

What do you want?

It puts the lotion
on its skin, now!

Well, say it, don't spray it,
brother! Dang.

I need a towel now.

It does what it's told!

There. Look. I'm puttin'
the lotion on the skin.

I'm rubbin' it in.
(DOG WHIMPERING)

Hey, to tell you the truth,
brother, between you and me,

that thing with the dog
is comin' off a little fruity.

That's just me talkin'.
I don't...

Where's my supplies?

Yeah. Come on, man.
I thought we had a deal.

Aw, for Christ's sake!
Here!

Ha-ha-ha!
Whee, Auto Trader!

Ooh, August.
I don't got this one.

There's some deals in here.
Oh, check this out. A '71 'Cuda,

plum crazy purple.

This guy wants 14 grand.

What?

I'd give him 7,500. I used to have
one of these. This guy's crazy.

MAN ON BULLHORN: We've got the place
surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.

Uh-oh.

Hey, a little help? MAN:
There he is, boys! Get him!

Get him!
Man in the hole.

Down here.

MAN: Stay on your back!

I hear people.

Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt
in the hole.

COP: Yeah, he was gonna flay you alive,
then use your skin to cover himself

like a Joe Dirt trench coat.

Oh, yeah?
That's gross, man.

I think these are pictures
from the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, he's been takin' hundreds
of photos over the years,

lookin' for skin
that he liked.

Then he was gonna
wear the skin around the house

with his wiener tucked under,
kinda like a woman.

That's sick, man.

I think that's little me
in the garbage can!

No way. And that's my...
my dad and my mom.

And this is our car,

and it's got...
Louisiana plates.

Hell, yeah, I'm going
to Louisiana, brother!

So, I cruised down south to New
Orleans and found a base of operations

for my search
at a local grade school.

I was gonna be a janitor.

Mostly mopping. Once in a while
you got a problem with the boiler.

You have to hit it with a
hammer, but it's a good job.

That's all right.
I appreciate this job, man.

This'll be a good base for me here in
Louisiana while I look for my parents.

I got a picture of 'em.

I don't recognize them.

If you find them, are you gonna
tell 'em what happened to you?

Oh. That Buffalo Bob thing?
There's not much to tell.

I heard some things. It's
not good. He's a bad guy.

What... What exactly
did you hear?

The past is past,
the future's now.

That's true.
Amen to that.

Clem, are you from around here?
'Cause your accent sounds like

New York or somethin'.

No. I'm from here.

Born and raised.
No, not here.

Over in Kansas.

Is this your wife?

Ex-wife.

She was shot six times.

New York City.
I mean, Kansas.

She was somethin'. Her eyes
were somethin'. Azure, you know.

Honey-blonde hair.
Her body...

Her legs went on for days.

If she was here right now, maybe
we'd have a house with a little fence

up in Silvertown,
that place you talk about.

That's a nice place.

You, uh...
you really loved her, huh.

You might say that.
Yeah.

(BUZZING) WOMAN: Clem, a kid
puked in the cafeteria again.

We need a cleanup
right away.

I'm on it!

That's you.

Oh.

Whoa! Hey, I'm Joe.
Where's the throw-up?

Over there in the middle
of the lunch room.

Hey, I'll get that cleaned up
lickety-split.

Speakin' of lickety-split, let's
meet up later, see what's goin' on.

I'm kiddin'.
But seriously, let's hook up.

I'm new in town, kinda lonely,
lookin' for my parents.

Yeah. Well, the puke pile's
right over there.

It's a pretty big
pile of puke.

So, clean the puke.
Okay.

Well, well,
lookie here.

Corn off the cob.
(CHUCKLES)

This kid should get
his money back.

Look! The janitor's gonna eat
the puke! They're hilarious, huh?

I assure you I won't. I'm a
vegetarian, and it looks like

there's some meat in there.

I like kids. They seem
to like... (LAUGHING)

They seem to like me.

(LAUGHING)

I'll try the old
reverse psychology.

I like gettin' hit with hot
dogs. It don't bother me none.

Oh! Stop it!

I guess I'm lucky it wasn't
hot chili day today.

Aah!

Okay, class, let's hear
what these results are.

If my calculations are
correct, this will create ice.

(COUGHING)
Oh, no!

Killer mustard gas!

(R&B PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What'd you say?
Whoa.

You're talkin' to me
all wrong. It's...

It's the wrong tone.

You do it again, I'll stab you
in the face with a soldering iron.

Is that right?

Let me ask you somethin', huh.

Does your mother sew?

Boom!

Get her to sew that!

(GAS HISSING)

(PEOPLE COUGHING)

Whoa!

You'd think those stupid punks could
come up with somethin' funnier than

"Don't eat it! Don't eat it!
Here's a hot dog!"

(BELL RINGING)
(COUGHING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what's goin' on, man?

Did you kick their asses?

He saved us from the mustard gas. Whoa.

You saved our lives, Clem.

Whoa!

Not me!
That's the guy!

No, you're the one that carried
us out. Shut up, you hard-on.

That's the guy!
That's the hero!

All right, well, then,
thank God for Joe Dirt.

Oh, no, man, It wasn't me.

That's Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
(CHANTING, CHEERING)

Come on, Joe Dirt!

MAN: How does it feel
to be a hero, Joe?

WOMAN: Over here, Mr. Dirt.
Oh, uh, well, it's like this.

MAN: Probably feels good, especially
after that brutal run-in with Buffalo Bob.

I don't know why you ask about
that guy. Nothin' happened.

WOMAN: That's not
what I heard.

WOMAN 2: What's the deal with
your haircut, Joe?

It's a wig. I was born
without the top of my skull.

Everybody, I'm lookin'
for my parents.

Here's a picture of them. It's taken
15 years ago at the Grand Canyon.

If anybody has any information
on the whereabouts of 'em,

please call this number, okay.
You might get a machine.

But if a girl answers, her
name's Brandy. Give her your info.

I appreciate any help
I can get.

That bein' said,
here's the real scoop.

I ain't the guy
that saved them kids.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, man.
Here's the real hero.

His name's Clem Doore, and
he's from Josette, Louisiana.

He's a friend of mine.

Oh, no.

He's your real hero,
people, not me.

(TIRE SQUEALS)

Let's go. Come on, come on.
Move it, move it.

Move your asses. Come on. Okay,
this is where that rat bastard lives.

You two shoot him low,
you shoot him high.

I'm gonna shoot him right through
his heart. All right, let's go.

(GUN SHOT)

Come on, let's move it!
Kick it in! Kick it in!

(GUN SHOTS, SHATTERING)

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened here? Don't
I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. What's goin' on?

Wait a minute, yeah. You're that
guy that had that run-in with that

psycho over in Indiana.
Buffalo Bob, right?

Yeah. It was really no
big deal. No big deal?

That's not what I heard.

Is Clem all right?

No, he's dead.

He's dead?
Man, what happened?

Your buddy Clem's real name
was Anthony Benedetti.

He was the former boss of
the Cammalleri crime family.

He was in town here on the
Federal witness relocation program.

What?

He turned informer when the
Syndicate executed his wife.

His old cronies must've
somehow found he was down here

and they came and killed him.

He killed all them too.

Uh, it's a big mess.

Oh, my God, man.
This is my fault.

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Whoa, whoa.

Can you be cool and let me just
talk to him for a second here, man?

He's a friend of mine.
This whole thing's my fault.

All right, go ahead.

Clem, I didn't know you didn't
wanna be on TV.

I was just tryin' to get the word out
about my parents, man. I'm so sorry.

But maybe you'll find
your wife in heaven.

She'll be just how
you remembered her.

Them big doe eyes.

That soft honey-blonde hair.

Smooth tan skin.

Huge pert rack.

Long legs goin' up
to that tight butt.

Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.

Clem, you asshole.
Are you alive?

Shh. They're pretending I'm
dead so's they can move me.

I just didn't know you were in this
witness protection thing, brother.

I never would have said
your name on TV, man.

It's okay. I felt it was time
to move on anyway, you know.

Maybe find a better town.

Joe, there's somethin' you should think
about. I was thinkin' about that car.

The Rambler wagon.
That's a rare car.

People would remember
selling a car like that.

MAN: Where's that dead guy?

Wait, wait, Joe.
Wait.

Take care,
Joe Dirt.

Whoa. Watch my hair.

Yep, those came with a six-cylinder
258 automatic with three on the tree.

Sweet-lookin' little things,
weren't they?

For sure, man.
How many?

Well, that's what
I'm tryin' to call up here.

Now let's see.
In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...

Wee, doggy! Seventy-three
of those little buggers.

Now you tell me your daddy's name, and I'll
tell you the dealership where he bought it.

That's just it. I don't know his name.
That's what I'm tryin' to find out.

Oh. Well, then...

The best I can do is give you a printout
of all 73 people who bought the car.

Later, if you come up with their
last name, you can go on from there.

By the way, I'm only doin' all of this
'cause I heard that Buffalo Bob guy shoved

a road flare up your bunghole. What?

Hoorah. What... I keep
hearin' about this guy.

Nothin' happened with him.
Nothin' weird. Nothin'.

DIRT: Anyway, that list had
names from all over the state.

But I was flat broke. I
didn't have no money for gas.

So, I found a job, and that led to
the biggest break In my case yet.

I don't know, Joe.

The way you describe that town
out in the northwest, Silvertown.

Hell, I have half a mind
to move there myself.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, honey. Shoot.

Your mom and dad still alive.

No.

Did they die?

One night, they got swallowed up by
the biggest damn gator we ever had.

No.

Before they died,
they killed that gator

from the inside by punchin'
out his heart, is my guess.

That's brutal.

The brutal part?

Later that night, I took
my mama's hedge clippers

and cut open that gator and
pulled my folks out of its belly.

(GASPS) See, I just couldn't
stand the thought of my parents

being turned into
alligator shit.

God, I hate these
nasty things!

BOY: Hurry up, Phillip.

If I met the right man...

I mean, hell, I'd just shut
this old gator farm down and...

But, you know, you probably don't
wanna hear all my problems, huh.

MAN ON P.A SYSTEM: Folks, grab the
kids. The gator show's about to start.

Yeah. Well, I'd better go.
It's show time.

There's three things to remember
when dealin' with a deadly alligator.

And, yes, they are deadly.
Don't kid yourself.

Rule number one,
I'm number one.

(SNARLING) You hear that?
I like to kid around.

Rule two. The croc's number
two. Now, before I begin...

Hey, what's rule three? What's
that? Kid, give me a break now.

So, you don't know rule three?

Yeah, you want a match.

My face and your ass.
How about that, friend, huh.

I mean, your ass and my face.
What's up? Here we go.

I'm a bit of a crocophile,
so don't try this at home.

This here's Rocky,
and he ain't no puppy.

Now, let's see if Rocky's
got some cavities. Ahh.

(GASPS)

Now, this mofo knows not to
mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.

Aah! You didn't listen to me!

Aah! Aah!

Rocky! Rocky! No!

Come on, eh.
Rocky!

Rocky!
Oh!

Aah! Aah!

(CHEERING)

Oh, when bad pets
go bad, dang!

Oh, Joe, are you all right?

(MUTTERING)

It's like the cartoons.
I'm seein' all tweet-tweet.

Joe, what can I do for you?

You're not makin' any sense.

Not makin'?

That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker!

Nunamaker!
Nunamaker!

That's what my sister said on
the way to the Grand Canyon.

My last name's Dirt,
her last name's Nunamaker!

That's my parents' last name!

DIRT: I checked my list of Rambler
wagons, and there it was, Nunamaker.

Baton Rouge,
Louisiana.

I was finally home.

Sir.

Hey, Mister, you know the
people who live here, Nunamaker?

(WITH LOUISIANA ACCENT)
They moved.

What's that?

Moved!

They moved. 'Bout 15 year ago.

Had a little boy. Had exact kind
of haircut you got now. (LAUGHING)

Damn, you outta date, boy. Yeah,
man. That little boy, that's me.

My parents were...
This was my home.

I thought this was it
this time.

Nah. Home is where
you make it.

You like to see homos naked?

Home is where you make it.

You like to see homos naked. That's
cool, man. Whatever. No, no, no, no, no!

Home is where you make it!

Home where you make it.

Oh.

Everybody know that.
Goddamn, boy.

Guy likes to see homos naked.
That don't help me.

(ANIMAL HOWLS)

DIRT: So, there I was, right back
where I started all those years ago,

and no closer
to findin' my parents.

And I think a little part
of me died right there.

But you know that saying, "Things
get the darkest before dawn"?

I thought I had broken my ass
bone.

So, I tried not to move. And I'm
Iyin' there starin' at the moon,

and for the first time in my life,
I think about not gettin' back up.

Maybe I'll just lie there for
the rest of my life, you know.

But then, suddenly,
while starin' up at the moon,

I had this strange feeling
that exact moment,

Brandy was starin'
at that same moon.

And we were together.

And just then, all the
tumblers fell into place.

And this door opened in my head, and
all at once I understood everything.

You have to find the real
answer inside yourself.

And the answer for me was
that I had a home all along,

with a friend that really cared about
me. Brandy. I missed her like crazy,

and I decided it was time to
go home. My search was over.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

DIRT: Brandy, wish I hadn't
gotten the machine. It's me, Joe.

I got some crazy stuff
to tell you,

but the most important part is I'm comin'
back to Silvertown. I can't wait to see you

and tell you everything.
Brandy, I... (BEEP)

Message deleted.

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
Hey, Robby, what's crappenin'?

Don't get smart with me,
you motherless dirtbag!

You been here long enough.

I'm here to see Brandy.

Brandy? My Brandy? You haven't
heard? Me and her are gettin' married.

Yeah. And besides, she
don't wanna see you anyway.

I don't believe that.

Well, it's true.

She found your stupid parents. What?

Yeah, she found 'em down in California.
But she didn't wanna tell you,

'cause she wants you gone, out
on the road lookin' for nothin',

so you won't be here. She's sick of all
your crap. She's sick of helpin' you.

And she's just plain sick of
you. No, she wouldn't do that.

I know Brandy. She wouldn't
not tell me about my parents.

I don't care how sick of me
she is.

Yeah well, check out
this note she left me.

In case you called
and I answered the phone.

"Dear Robby,

"if Joe calls,

"don't tell him

"I found his parents.

"I'll be back
in a few days. "

See, she signed it right
there. "Brandy. XOXO."

That's right, Dirt.
Nobody wants you in this town.

Nobody wants you around,
period!

Aww.

Look at him, fellas.
(MEN CHUCKLING)

You cryin', boy?
You cryin', boy?

Maybe we'll go to McDonald's and get
you a whaa-burger and some French cries!

How about a Whineken? You little
sissy boy! Def Leppard sucks!

For the record, I wasn't crying'.
There was dirt in my eyes.

Joey, it's not cuttin' it,
man. It's jive.

My story no, man.
Everything I said is true.

No, not your story.
Brandy. Brandy is jive.

And I wanna get her on the phone
right now. I wanna track her down.

And I wanna ask her why she was
playin' these games with you.

No, man. You don't need
to bother her none.

Freddy?
Freddy, get line 3 on speaker.

No. You know what,
guys, I'm fine.

Everything's cool with me. I got a place
up in Malibu, I got lots of friends.

I do worry about you, man. You know why?
Because you're livin' In a boiler room, Joe.

Yeah, I got
a couple places.

You know what, Joey? I think you... You
know what, I can't believe I'm sayin'...

I think we need some resolution
here. We need a little closure.

I wanna get this woman on the
phone, and I wanna ask her what

the hell was goin' on back
then. Did she find your parents?

Did she ever track 'em down and if she
did, well, why couldn't she have called you?

(PHONE RINGING)
BRANDY: Hello.

Well, well, well, the famous Brandy,
Tokyo Rose of the trailer park.

Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here
with a friend of yours,

a little white-trash treasure that
you might know by the name of Joe Dirt.

Ring a bell?
BRANDY: Joe?

Yeah, Joe. And I don't think
he wants to talk to you, Brandy.

And you know why? 'Cause over
the last few days, my listeners

and I have heard
an amazing story.

You know what? When he first started this
story, I thought of you as a good person.

But the more it rolled on down
the road, I'm not sure you are

a good person, Brandy. Why didn't
you tell him you'd found his parents?

BRANDY: Oh, my God.
How'd he find out?

So the letter Robby showed
Joe is true? You wrote that?

BRANDY: Yes, I wrote
that letter,

because I wanted
to tell Joe in person.

And months went by,
and he never came home.

Joe, I did find
where your parents were.

Joe, brace yourself for this.

Your parents are dead, Joe.

They died that day
at the Grand Canyon.

Their car was hit by a
passin' truck, a hit-and-run.

I'm so sorry,
but your search is over.

Come home, Joe,
so I can take care of you.

Oh, man.

(SNIFFS)

I gotta go.

Sure.

Thank you.

All right, we'll, uh...
We'll take a break.

(PHONE BEEPS)

MAN: Yeah, he's Joe Dirt!

(SHOUTING, CHEERING)

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
You rule, Joe!

You rule! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe
Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

The phenomenon
of Joe Dirt has captured

the city's imagination. The
little man, the ordinary person

who endured enormous adversity,
and all the while maintained

his positive outlook on life,
teaching us along the way,

"You can't have 'no'
in your heart,"

and "Life's a garden. Dig it.
" Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting

one of his longtime idols,
Eddie Money.

(EDDIE MONEY'S
WALK ON WATER PLAYING)

♪ Well, if I could
walk on water

♪ And if I could find
some way to prove

♪ If I could walk on water
would you believe in me

♪ My love is so true

♪ Do I have to find
some way to prove

♪ Do I have to walk on water
Walk on water for you ♪

Welcome back to TRL.

We are here with America's sweetheart,
Joe Dirt. Joe? Joe, come back over here.

Joe!
We have a show to do here.

People forget we're live. You
like the window, don't you?

Yeah!

Joe, before we wrap this up, is
there anything else you wanna say?

I just wanna say thanks
to all the people that

stop me in the street and tell
me my story helped them somehow.

And your story is really cool. It's like
a Behind the Music without the music.

But are you depressed I mean, your
parents, who you were looking for,

all along, were dead. Was the
last decade a complete waste?

Well, uh, no one's really put it
like that, but I don't think so.

I've had some good times, met some cool
people, cruised around, cranked some tunes.

What about Brandy Is there any chance
you guys are gonna hook back up?

Um, well, you know, she's a good
friend of mine, and she's off doin'

her own thing right now, but I've
always said she's a little too hot

for old Joe Dirt. I
agree. So does America.

In fact, in our latest "Is Brandy
too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll,

61 % of you agreed. Even worse, 4%
said the dog was too hot for you.

Dang. I'm just kidding.
You're on TRL, California.

Hello, California.

WOMAN: Hey, wait... Am I...
Am I on? I'm on?

Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah. Hey,
Carson, how big's your Johnny?

Joe, I think happy hour started
a little early in California.

A little drinky-drinky. The reason I'm
really callin' is Joe Dirt's parents

ain't dead. I'm lookin' at his
father right now, and I'm his mama.

Ma'am, you should never drink the
bong water. Yeah, listen to him.

Carson, just where you wanna
be when Jesus comes back?

Makin' fun...
Sorry, Joe.

Wait, wait. Where's that
call comin' from? California.

Listen, I gotta go.

Oh, no, Joe!

So, Carson helped me
trace the call,

and it led me to this old trailer
park in Simi Valley, California.

Wow. Wow.

That's our old car!

Right here, guys.
There he is.

WOMAN: Joe, can I have
an exclusive?

Your parents
are alive after all?

Joe! Joe!
How are you feeling?

DIRT: Mom, Dad, is that you?

Our baby's home.

Damn. We tried so hard to find
him. We looked high and low.

I got some pictures here. Look
at this. Here's a picture of Joe

when he was a baby. Did
you get it? Yeah. Aw, baby.

You were a cute baby, Joe Dirt.
That's why we were so crazy

when we lost him. I mean,
he's here and now he's gone.

Oh, mama, it's all
right. Where'd he go? Aw.

Did they get it?
Oh, where'd he go?

I was at the canyon, yeah.
You know what?

It was right by the garbage
can where you left me.

Wha...? Is that where you
were? Well, I'll be dipped.

The one place we didn't look.
I knew you looked for me.

I told everybody you would.
And was there ever a time

when you would look at the
moon, and was hopin' maybe

I was lookin' at it too?

Wouldn't you know

that I've been doin' this clown sort
of thing? Can everybody get a shot

of these? Do you see these clown
figurines? Whenever I used to get sad,

I'd just look at a clown, and then I just
can't help it. I just can't stop grinnin'.

They're available
for purchase.

We're startin' this
Clown. com kind of a thing.

Yeah.

I don't mean to interrupt
your clown pitch there,

but how exactly do you not go right
back to the place where you saw me?

(NEWS CREW MUTTERING)

Hey, how exactly
is a rainbow made?

How exactly
does the sun set?

How exactly does the Posi-Trac
rear end on a Plymouth work?

It just does.

I'm not talkin'
about Posi-Trac.

I'm talkin' about me. How long did
you look for me before you gave up?

How long were you ridin' in that car
before you realized I wasn't in it?

Exactly how long?

All right!
We didn't lose him.

We just left him. So what?
The dude's doin' fine!

Look at him!

How could you do that to me?
I was only eight years old.

I was just a little kid. Do you have
any idea what it's like to be a kid and

have nobody around to talk to? No one
that cares if you're alive or dead?

Every day you just think you're
worthless, and there's a void in your life.

Oh, come on, honey. Lose
that frown! Lighten up, buddy.

When you're down,
stare at a clown.

Hey, sit down! You're blockin'
the cameras! Move over.

I don't care about that!
And I don't care about you!

And I don't wanna see you for
another 25 years! Joe, wait!

I wish he'd never found us!
Look what he did to my children!

Hey, TV people!

Hey, you're grounded! Hey, TV
people! Why are y'all goin' away?

Come over here!
You don't have to follow him!

(REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS)

MAN: What are you gonna
do now, Joe?

MAN: Somebody do something.

WOMAN: Joe, just turn around
now. It's not worth it, Joe.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING) REPORTER:
We are here at Wallace Bridge,

where local celebrity Joe Dirt
is threatening to kill himself.

Come on, Joe. Remember
what you said on the show,

"Life's a garden.
Dig it?"

You gotta get down from there,
brother. You don't wanna do this.

Why not, man, I got nothin'.
I've been lookin' forever

for those people, and everyone
lies to me, man.

I'm worthless.

Joe!

Hey, sorry, lady. You can't cut
through here. Joe, it's me, Brandy!

Oh, it's Brandy? Like, the Brandy? Yes!

Why didn't you say so.
Come on!

Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!
Hey, it's Brandy!

Come on, come on.

That's her!

Joe!

Brandy?

I'm here, Joe.

You told me my parents
were dead, and I saw 'em.

They're horrible.
Why did you lie to me?

They saw you on the news when you saved
those kids. They thought you got a reward.

So you did see 'em first.
So it's just like Robby said.

Yes, but once I met them, I knew
I had to protect you from them.

They're bad people.
You're not like them, Joe.

They didn't leave you. You left
them. You've gotta see that.

And, Joe, if you had stayed with
them, you wouldn't have turned out

as wonderful as you are.

Robby said
you didn't want me around,

and he said that you was always
laughin' at me behind my back.

Why would Robby say such a
thing? Of course that's not true.

I love you, Joe,
with all my heart.

I wanna get married, Joe, and have
little Joe Dirts. Come home, Joe.

You had a home all along.
You just couldn't see it.

(NEIGHING)

You really love me?

(CROWD CHEERING)

I did it! I did it! I roped
him with a bungee cord.

No!

Dang!

Joe! Joe!

Ooh!

(ALL GROAN)

Oh, man. I just had
the weirdest dream.

You were in it.

So were you.

Oh, my God.
Brandy, I'm home?

Clem, Charlene,
Kickin' Wing.

It's not Clem anymore.

It's Gert B. Frobe.

Wha?

Witness Protection relocated
me. I asked for Silvertown,

on account of how you talked
about it. It's wonderful here.

Hello, Joe Dirt.

You taught me to sell
the good stuff. Now I have

30 fireworks stands, which
completely fund my animal shelters.

It's all because of you, Joe.

Good job, brother.

I sold the gator farm, after one of
those bastards snapped off my thumb

and middle finger. I came up here
to check up on you, and, well,

I met Gert B. Frobe.

And it's a good thing that
gator didn't get my ring finger,

because Gert's asked me
to marry him.

Yeah.

Right on.
Joe.

When you were in the hospital for
your head injury, I had the doctor

surgically put on a wig that's
a little more contemporary.

Ooh! Dang!
That's cool.

And Joe, we have a big
surprise for you.

What's up?

My Hemi! You got it
outta hock for me? Dang! Yeah!

Somebody else wants
to get in here.

Who's that?

Come on, boy! Come on!
Wow! Looks like Charlie!

Yep. Apparently, back in the
day, Charlie had a little sexual

encounter with this one's ma.

Say hello to Charlie Two.

Good boy. You got a big
family now, Joe Dirt.

You better be good to us.

Oh, I will.

Hey, Dirt! I thought I told you,
buddy, nobody wants you around!

Hey! You're talkin'
to my guy all wrong.

It's the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll
stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

You're his dad?

What if I am?
What if we're his family?

Okay.

At least I know my car
will blow his off the road!

You actually think you can match that little
Slant Six of yours against his 426 Hemi?

Huh?

(ENGINE STARTS)
Then let's do it, little boy.

Whoo!
That's my girl.

Let's rock, Dirtboy.

Let's go!

Damn.

(BELCHES)

Now, it's time for the good stuff! Whoo!

Yeah! Light her up! (LAUGHING)

ZANDER: This next song goes out to our
good friend, Joe Dirt, the dirt man.

Joe, wherever you are, this is
for you, buddy. Welcome home, Joe.

Welcome home.

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it
I won't throw your love away

♪ Yes, I thought you were
a mystery girl

♪ A special girl
in this crazy old world

♪ You couldn't see me
when I laid eyes on you

♪ Lonely is only a place

♪ You don't know
what it's like

♪ You can't fight it

♪ And it's a hole in my heart
in my heart

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ You hold the secrets
of love in this world

♪ I'm hypnotized
by your every word

♪ A special face a special
voice a special smile in my life

♪ Lonely is only a place

♪ You don't know
what it's like

♪ You can't fight it

♪ And it's a hole in my heart
in my heart

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw your love away

♪ If you want my love
you got it

♪ When you need my love
you got it

♪ I won't hide it

♪ I won't throw
your love away ♪