Jitterbugs (1943) - full transcript

[ Engine Sputtering ]

- Well, we're out of gas.
- Well, that's all right.

- We still have our gas rationing card.
- Gas rationing card?

Why, a ''C'' card
wouldn't help us here.

- Oh, you-
- You don't have to lose your temper.

- I'm sorry. I-
- You're sorry.

You were sorry about that redhead
in the auto court.

You were sorry about that waitress
in the barbecue stand.

I suppose you're sorry about talking me
into taking this road instead of the main road.

Well, I'm sorry that I'm sorry, but,
if you're sorry, you can't help being sorry.

- Oh, get out and hush up.
- Maybe someday you'll be sorry.



A thousand miles
from nowhere.

Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

And don't say you're sorry.

[ Sighs ]

- Worried, aren't you?
- Are you?

Well, it must be
1 1 5 in the shade.

- How about a drink of water?
- That's a good idea.

I'll go right now and get it.

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Sizzling ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Sighs ]

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Sizzling ]

[ Yelps ]

- Hey, Ollie.
- What?



I can see the back end
of a truck.

That's no truck.
That's me.

The back end of a truck.

I'm sorry. I-

- Ollie!
- What?

- I see a gas station.
- Where?

Right in here. See?
Look. It's right in there. See it?

Give me that.

Stanley, we're saved!

Well, how are we gonna
get this thing over there?

Well, that's simple. One of us will push,
and the other will steer.

I never thought of that. Well-

- Hey!
- What?

- Not too fast.
- I won't.

When you start pushing,
don't push over 35 miles an hour.

All right. Let's go.

- Hey, Ollie!
- What?

- Do you mind if I stop a minute?
- All right.

Okay, Ollie. I'm ready.

Well, it's about time!

[ Car Door Closes ]

[ Hoofbeats ]

What would you have done
if I hadn't had...

presence of mind enough
to have you push me?

I haven't the slightest idea.

I guess the only thing I could've done,
if I'd have gone to the gas station-

- Who's pushing this thing?
- Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I borrowed a mule
down the road.

You remember
when we stopped?

I guess a mule's
as good as a donkey any day.

It certainly is.
You're absolutely-

What do you mean
''as good as a''-

[ Horn Honking ]

- [ Honks ]
- Get out and find the attendant.

- I'm sorry, Ollie.
- Sorry for what?

''Closed for the duration.''

Now what are we
going to do?

Hey, there's a car coming.

- Let's flag him down.
- Yeah, maybe we can borrow some gas.

[ Scoffs ]

- Look. Here's a truck coming.
- Oh, they won't stop for us in this desert.

Say, why don't you lie down
and pretend you fainted?

Then he's bound to stop. He wouldn't
let anybody faint on a des-

At last, you're using your brain.

- Hurry up and faint. He's getting closer.
- All right.

Yeah.

[ Yelps ]

[ Horn Honks ]

Mister, could you
spare us a gallon of gas?

A gallon? What are you trying to do,
wean this thing?

Well, we made a slight miscalculation
in regards to our supply.

- Yeah, he means we ran out of gas.
- Yes.

Well, gentlemen,
the right man just came along.

You're facing Chester Wright,
the inventor of the Little Wonder Gas Pill.

The answer to the rationing problem. This is
the 1 0-gallon size. This is the five-gallon.

And, this, gentlemen,
is a gallon can of water.

Sample it, if you please.

I'm sorry.

[ Smacks Lips ]

It's water, all right.

Now, gentlemen, you're going to see a
demonstration of the eighth wonder of the world.

I'm gonna take some of these pellets...

and place them in the can of water
you just sampled.

- Open your gas tank.
- Yeah, sure.

Oh! I'm sorry.

[ Sniffs ]

- Gasoline.
- [ Spitting ]

Just pour it into your tank,
gentlemen.

Now, step on the starter.

[ Engine Starts ]

Mister, you have saved us
from an untimely end.

Yes, sir.
We might've died.

- How much do we owe you?
- Oh, forget it, my friends.

- Regard it as a little courtesy of the road.
- Thank you very much.

''Laurel and Hardy.
The Original Zoot Suit Band. ''

Well, we're one of
the wonders of the age ourselves.

The only two-man band
in the world-

Equal to Glenn Miller,
HarryJames and SpikeJones.

Well, we might get together.

I was on my way to Washington
to hand these over to the government...

but, uh, we might
pick up a few bucks on the way.

You mean make some money?

- Sure. We could make a lot of dough together.
- How, Mr. Wright?

There's a carnival troupe opening up tomorrow
in Midvale,just a few miles from here.

We can get a location, and, with your band
to attract the crowd...

we can trim-
I mean, we can sell every sucker-

[ Laughs ]
I mean, every person in town.

- What do you say, fellas? Fifty-fifty?
- Well, we could use some money.

- Okay, fellas. See ya in Midvale.
- Good-bye.

- [ Both ] Good-bye!
- Bye.

- Nice man.
- Yes.

- Good-bye. Bye.
- Good-bye. Bye.

- Well, all of our troubles are over, Stanley.
- Yes, sir.

And we won't need
this ration book anymore, will we?

- Not as long as there's water.
- That's just what I thought.

The quicker we get to town-

## [ Swing ]

## [ Swing ]

[ Chattering ]

Over here! Over here! Over here, folks!
We have a free attraction!

Now step right in closer, please.
We have the Belle Fatima and her dancing-

The only explanation we have
of this remarkable phenomenon...

the Bearded Lady, folks-

## [ Continues ]

[ Chattering ]

## [ Flourish ]

- ## [ Ends ]
- [ Applause ]

Come on, hepcats.
We're gonna spread a load of jam!

## [ Swing ]

- Not bad, are they?
- No.

That trumpet reminds me of those HarryJames
records our store got in this morning.

- Are you in the music business?
- Sort of. I sing in the choir too.

- [ Both Laughing ]
- Well, what's holding us back, sister?

- Well, ''all reet,''Jackson.
- Well, ''all reet.''

##[ Continues ]

## [ Tempo Increases ]

[ Cheering ]

- ## [ Crashing ]
- Well, folks, that was out of this world.

And now
we have a message for you.

We bring to you
good people of Midvale...

the greatest invention
of the 20th century.

What is the most
important question today?

Transportation.

Which brings us
to the question of gas rationing.

Out of the laboratories
has come a miracle:

The Little Wonder Gas Pill!

Now you simply drop
one of these pills...

into a gallon of water,
and you have a gallon of gas-

not ordinary gas,
but gas of the highest quality!

Now this is the five-gallon size,
and this is the 1 0-gallon size.

I could sell it to you
for a dollar a gallon, but no.!

The 1 0-gallon size
sells for two dollars.

The five-gallon size sells for one dollar.
Who wants one?

I'll take the large size!
I'll take 1 0 gallons!

- [ Ollie ] Yes, sir.
- Give me 1 0.

[ Grumbles ] Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
How do we know that stuff's on the level?

I perceive that you have
a water bag on your shoulder.

- Is there water in it?
- Yeah, full of it.

Put this in it.
I dare you!

[ Sniffs ]

It smells like gasoline.

- [ Explosion ]
- [ Women Gasping ]

What more do you want, folks?
The five-gallon size or the 1 0-gallon size?

- That's enough for me! Give me 1 0.
- There you are, sir.

- Give me 1 0 gallons.
- Yes, ma'am.

- [ Man ] Give me five gallons.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry!

- [ Overlapping Chatter]
- All right, folks!

- [ Chatter Continues ]
- Here's another fin, buddy.

Here's your pill.

- [ Chattering ]
- [ Explosion ]

- [ All Gasping ]
- Ha! Ha! Never mind that, folks.

- [ Man ] I'll take that!
- [ Overlapping Chatter]

- Right over here!
- Hold it! Hold it, folks! Hold everything.

Don't hand over any more of your hard-earned
money to these crooks. This is a fake!

Are you insinuating
that we are hoodwinking the public?

I dropped one of these
Little Wonder Gas Pills into a bucket of water...

poured it
into the tank of the car...

and now-
and now look at me.

- [ Chattering ]
- [ Man ] Hey! Give us back our money!

Inspector McNeil
of the state bunko squad.

I've been trailing these two
across the country for days.

Jail's too good
for these robbers!

We oughta take care
of'em ourselves.!

- You're right. He can't cheat me.
- Yeah!

- We want our dough.!
- Come on.!
- They're crooks!

Now, folks, don't let your
tempers boil over.

- These men'll be dealt with by the law.
- [ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

- My purse! My purse!
- [ Shouting ]

What I can't understand is why did you
pretend to be a county detective...

unless the gas pills
didn't have the desired effect?

What do you suppose is running
this car at the present time?

He's right, Ollie.
We're going okay.

- What happened to the man's car?
- He probably got mixed up in the directions...

or there was something else
wrong with his car.

- How much we take in?
- Uh, $223.

- I'll take my half now.
- All right.

There you are.

- Hey, wait a minute, fellas.
- What's the matter?
Didn't I split the money 50-50?

That's not it.
We gotta go back.

- [ Together] Go back? Why?
- This purse.

It belongs to a little girl back in Midvale.
I was holding it for her.

Why, if anyone sees us in Midvale,
they'll throw us all in the jug...

and they'll find out
that you're really not an officer.

- How am I gonna get this back to her?
- I'll take it.

How did you get here?

I got into the back of the trailer
when you were leaving the carnival.

The question now is,
''How do I get back to Midvale?''

Oh! I got an idea.

You two fellas drive ahead to the place
where I parked my station wagon.

We'll ride back in the trailer.

Come on, baby. I'll explain everything
in words of one syllable.

No wonder he wanted
to go back to Midvale.

- Why?
- Well, because the girl lives there...

and he's- Never mind why!

[ Engine Starts ]

Look, you're doing
7 0 miles an hour.

I'm not doing 7 0 miles an hour.
I'm not even doing 50 miles an hour.

In fact, I'm not even doing
3 5 miles an hour.

- Well, it says there, ''7 0.''
- That speedometer's stuck.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know-
- [ Gasps ]

- [ Tires Skidding ]
- [ Laughs ]

Why don't you look
where you're going!

- [ Both Laughing ]
- I'll get it.

Thank you.

Hey, what's this?

It's a picture taken when Mother put through
a real estate deal on our property.

- Ooh, your folks got money?
- I've a rich aunt in Boston.

- She bought the property for Mother.
- What kind of deal was this?

Mother puts in her property and $1 0,000,
and the eastern financiers put in 1 5,000.

It seems to me I've seen
one of those faces before someplace.

It was around a race track. Uh, Louisville-
a horseplayer named ''One-horse Bates.''

You might let me in on this.

Honey, I'm afraid your poor old
gray-haired mother has been gypped.

There's my car, baby. Hop in.
I gotta go up and see the Rover Boys.

Boys, I gotta drive
this girl back to Midvale.

- Back to Midvale?
- Isn't there any other way she could return?

Well, there's more to it than that.
From what she tells me...

- her mother was gypped out of $1 0,000.
- [ Whistles ]

- That's a lot of dough.
- Yeah. A lot of money too.

Yes, and it's worth going after.
I have a hunch who the gang is...

and I'm gonna try
and get it back.

You're a mighty swell guy
to try and get that money back.

- Anything we can do to help.
- That's the ticket! I knew I could count on you.

- Stay on this route, and I'll catch you.
- Right-o!

- Okeydokey.
- [ Engine Starts ]

Stanley, do you believe
in love at first sight?

Well, it saves a lot of time.

Mr. Cass, this gentleman
seems to think...

that Mother has been
swindled in the land deal.

This is Mr.-
[ Laughs ]

- I guess I don't even know your name.
- We never got around to that.

- Wright is the name, Chester Wright.
- I'm glad to meet you, sir...

though I'm quite certain
that you're mistaken.

- The money is in my safe.
- Yeah? Ten'll get ya 20 that it
isn't-

And a ''Wright'' is never wrong.

[ Scoffs ]

Mr. Wright, I hope you're wrong.

A-ha! There, you see.

And the signatures,
just as I put it into my safe...

- Mr. Wright.
- Oh, sure. Sure.

- Now, who's gonna open it?
- Why, I think Miss Cowan should open it...

- since she will someday
be the owner of the property.
- [ Mouths Words ]

[ Gasps, Sighs ]

[ Gasps, Sighs ]

Why, I don't understand it.

I put that money in the envelope myself
and sealed it.

It was never out of my sight
until I put it into the safe.

- Look, he's even used a copy of the Daily Planet.
- He never dropped it?

Yes, now that I think of it,
but he initialed it before he dropped it...

and, when he picked it up,
the initials were still there.

Why, of course.
That's known as the ''old convincer.''

The phony envelope was initialed
before he came in the office.

I'm going down
to tell the chief of police!

I'd like to break their necks. I only hope
the police catch up with them.

What good would that do?
Even if the police arrested them...

they'd only spend the money
on lawyers to defend them.

Then if you win, you lose.

Maybe, but I've been thinking.

- I'm going after that money.
- What do you mean?

Well...

money lost through larceny
can often be recovered the same way.

Remember I told you I recognized
one of those faces- a horse player?

Well, what track opens next week?
New Orleans, and that's where I'm heading.

- Fine, I'll go along with you.
- Oh-

You know, if we hadn't
have run out of gas on the desert...

Chester would've
never gone to Midvale...

and he would never
have met her.

And now he's going
to recover her money.

To her, he's a real hepcat-
right in the groove.

And they'll fall in love,
get married.

And live in a cottage
bowered with roses.

A country estate.
You know, we could work for them...

and we could live
in peace and contentment.

You paint a pretty picture, Stanley.

They could name
their first baby ''Stanley.''

- What's the matter with ''Oliver''?
- Stanley's a nice name.

- Oliver.
- Well, they could have twins.

- We'll suggest that to them.
- [ Horn Honking ]

- What's my point, baby?
- Six.

You know you always
shoot sixes, Corkey.

[ Southern Accent ]
My name is Colonel Waterson Bixby...

of Leaping Frog,
Amarillo County, Texas.

Oh! How do you do, Colonel? We've assigned
the Governor's Suite to your party.

- I hope you like it.
- You all are most kind, sir.

Okay, sister,
there's your two bits.

If I keep on playin' this game,
you'll be wearing mink.

This is my secretary,
Mr. Chester Wright...

and this is my butler,
valet and general factotum, Potts.

Carry those bags upstairs
and don't take ''no'' for an answer.

[ Bellboy ]
Yes, sir.

[ Southern Accent ] I have some valuables
I'd like to entrust to your care.

This one contains
$20,000 in currency...

and, this, some very valuable
contracts and documents.

Oh, they'll be perfectly safe,
I assure you.

Just a moment.
I'll give you a receipt.

My, what a pretty little girl.
[ Sighs ]

How do you do, Miss, uh-
Let me see.

I don't remember your name,
but I know we've met.

[ Chuckles ]
Ah, there goes the colonel again...

and he's got the most jealous wife
in the whole state ofTexas.

That's Corcoran,
one of the men at the desk.

Yeah. I recognized him
from his picture.

Okay, you two,
break it up.

Susan, we'll see you
later upstairs.

Good-bye, Miss.

- [ Sighs ]
- You all here for the races, gentlemen?

I'm sorry, sir,
but business prevents that pleasure.

After you, sir.

- Corcoran, you might at least have knocked.
- Shh!

Dorcas, ready money
just walked in the hotel.

- Kale? Mazuma? Moola?
- The old lettuce and plenty of it.

A Texas Casanova by the name
of Colonel Waterson Bixby...

- and a sucker for dames.
- That's nothing. So are you.

Dorcas, this is business. Listen-

Well, boys, we've been
in this joint for five minutes...

and we've already contacted the interested
parties- and are they interested.

Yeah, but haven't you- uh, we-
spent a lot of money to put over this deal?

Say, $1 0,000 is a lot of hay.

- It's a lot of money too.
- Shh!

He's got the corner suite
down the hall.

Get him in here, and I'll watch
for your drink order down at the bar.

Then I'll walk in
at the right time. Get it?

And don't forget
to use your southern accent.

[ Southern Accent ]
Does y'all mean like this, honey?

Fine. That's it.

I'll be right back.

[ Gasping ] Oh, please don't leave me.
Please don't leave me.

Oh! Oh. Oh.

[ Moaning ]

Oh, please!

Oh!

[ Moans ]

[ Sighs ]
Oh, my hero.

I'd have collapsed in the hall
if it hadn't been for you.

Someone else might have come along,
someone not so strong...

so gallant.

- Come sit here beside me.
- Why?

- Why, I still feel a little faint.
- I'll go get a doctor.

Oh, let us have some drinks.
Shall I order a couple of sazeracs?

I'm sorry, lady,
but I don't drink.

[ Drops Accent ]
You don't drink?

[ Southern Accent ]
I mean, you all don't drink?

- Uh-uh.
- Oh, would you mind if I had a little snifter?

- I mean, a little sip.
- Certainly not.

Would you mind
pouring it for me?

- See, I've sweetened it. One little sip.
- Uh-uh.

-Just for poor little me?
-Just one little sip?

Well,just one.

- [ Gurgling ]
- [ Popping ]

You know,
that's a bit of all right.

I declare, for a Texan, you all
have a mighty funny dialect, Colonel.

- Colonel?
- Well, aren't you Colonel Waterson Bixby?

- No, I'm his valet.
- What?

- Yeah, my name is Potts.
- Potts?

Yeah. P-O-''Otts''- Potts.

- [ Knocking ]
- Come in.

- Oh, no. That's my husband.
- Oh.

- [ Knocking Continues ]
- [ Gasps ]

- Hide! Quick!
- [ Whimpering ]

No! No! Quick!

- [ Whimpers ]
- [ Knocking Continues ]

Colonel Waterson Bixby
of Amarillo County, Texas, my fair lady.

As your neighbor down the hall,
I've come to present my regards...

and convey my felicitations.

Colonel Waterson Bixby!

I'm mighty proud
to meet you all.

- Come right in.
- Thank you, ma'am.

My name is Mary Lu, Colonel.

What a pretty name.
Can I call you ''Mary''?

- Please do.
- And you just call me ''Watty.''

Watty, how about a drink?
Shall I order a couple of sazeracs?

A couple? Why, madam, that's just
a three-furlong dash to a four-year-old.

Order a dozen, and it shall be
Colonel Waterson Bixby's pleasure...

my little magnolia blossom.

A dozen sazeracs for 807, please.

Mary, is that hard liquor
I see on yonder table?

But that is brandy, Colonel,
and I have ordered absinthe.

The perfect chaser.
Permit me.

To the fairest flower in the garden
of southern womanhood.

- [ Smacks Lips, Sighs ]
- Sit down, Colonel.

Thank you. [ Sighs ]

I've heard no woman
can resist you, Watty.

Mary,you gonna have
a lot of fun provin'it.

- You mind if I smoke?
- Not at all.

Thank you.

- Cigarette?
- Oh, no, thank you.

- Light?
- Thank you.

[ Ollie Sighs ]

Mmm.

[ Chuckles ]

- Things are moving?
- Yeah.

Oliver has just walked into
the spider's web.

Well, I found the third member
of the party.

He's running a showboat
nightclub on the river.

- Oh, that's fine. That's where you come in.
- What do you mean?

Well, I've sort of been worrying,
for fear you'd be in the way-

if we got in a jam, that is.

I'll stick with you boys.

Well, don't ya see?
Nightclub, singing-That's your racket.

You get a job and pave the way for us.
We'll move in and clean out the gang.

You mean you want me to walk out
before I get the money?

Oh. Does that mean you-
you still don't trust me?

- No.
- Because if you don't...

well, we might as well
call the whole thing off.

Don't be silly.
I trust you, Chester.

Don't think I'm not grateful.

I'll do as you say.

Sit down, Mary Lu.

Thank you.

- Delicious.
- Nectar.

Mary Lu,
''absinthe'' makes the heart grow fonder.

[ Both Laugh ]

- [ Hiccups ]
- [ Gulps ]

Hold your breath
and take nine sips of water.

Thank you, Colonel.

Watty, you have lovely hands.

Thank you, Mary.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ]

Impulsive little creature,
aren't ya, darling?

Shall we all
have some music now?

I don't mind if I do.

## [ Orchestra: Dance ]

[ Clattering, Squeaking ]

## [ Continues ]

Oh, Colonel!
You all dance divinely!

It must be the gypsy in me.

Kiss me, my little dove.

So.!

[ Thuds ]

## [ Stops ]

I find you, my wife,
in the arms of another man.

Lionel, I can explain everything.

- You can explain?
- But, sir, you don't understand.

I understand everything, sir. I should
kill you both and, perhaps, I will.

- It was nothing!
- Nothing? You call it ''nothing''...

when I find this Casanova
making violent love to ya?

- Why, I'll-
- Oh! Oh!

And now, Colonel Waterson Bixby,
I'll deal with you.

I'm gonna name you corespondent
in my divorce case against my wife.

No, no!
Think of my position in society.

[ Corcoran ]
I'm in no mood for trifling.

Can't this little matter
be adjusted?

Sir, you dare
to offer me money?

Well,just between
two southern gentlemen.

Money for my wife?
For my honor? For my love?

For my children!

[ Corcoran ]
Your po'little innocent babes.

After all, why should the sins of the father
be visited upon the children?

- How much?
- $1 0,000, sir.

[ Drops Accent ] $1 0,000!
Ten years in jail is more like it...

my fine, feathered friend!

Who are you?

SheriffJonathan Bates
of Midvale County.

I've got a warrant
for your arrest...

for swindling Mrs. Audrey Cowan
out of $1 0,000.

- You can't get away with this.
- Oh, no?

Deputy!

Yes, Sheriff?

- Have you got the extradition papers?
- Everything legal.

- Signed by the governor.
- Put the handcuffs on him.

Wait a minute, fellas.
This can be fixed.

Are you trying to bribe
an officer of the law?

I wouldn't think of that,
but you've got to realize...

this is just a business deal
that went wrong.

I'll refund the money
and save further trouble and expense.

I'll turn my share of the money over to you,
and you can give it back to Mrs. Cowan.

Well, the main thing is to get
the money back. Hand it over.

Here's 5,000.
That was my split.

- What happened to the other $5,000?
- My partner, Bennett, has it.

Your partner was the one
tipped us off you had all the dough.

So that's where
the squawk comes from.

Your partner, Bennett. Bennett.

Put 'em up.

So, you two cheap grifters thought
you could put something over.

I got a notion to drill ya.
Hand back that dough, smart guys.

Hand it over!

We were only fooling.

Get the handcuffs!
Give me the handcuffs!

Here you are. Come on.

- [ Coughs ]
- Hey, put him in the closet!

Right.

- Oh, no, you don't, Mary Lu!
- [ Screams ]

- [ Pounding, Screaming ]
- Hurry, hurry!

We gotta get out
of this joint fast!

[ Metal Grating ]

[ Pounding Continues ]

[ Doorknob Rattling ]

- ## [ Ballad ]
- # I've heard different opinions of #

#The will-o-the-wisp
they call love #

#Read biology and astrology #

#And every solemn
lovelorn column #

- ## [ Up-tempo Swing ]
- #There's only one way to beat it #

# Go out and meet it #

# I've gotta see for myself
if love is really so grand #

# My information is all secondhand #

#No one's tellin'me
I gotta see for myself #

# I gotta get me a glow
That certain look in my eye #

# I gotta sample an ample supply #

# In proximity
I gotta see for myself #

# Can't believe I was so naive #

# Never minding what I missed #

# Right now, I have to qualify #

# I wanna be she who gets kissed #

# I gotta see for myself
I gotta get in the throes #

#You needn't tell me
I'm headin' for woe #

#Are you kiddin' me
I gotta see for myself #

##[ Instrumental ]

# I gotta see for myself #

#You needn't tell me
I'm headin' for woe #

#Are you kiddin' me,jack #

# I'm not from Maine
I'm not from Spain #

# I'm from Missouri
Gotta see for myself #

- ## [ Ends ]
- Well, what do ya say, Tony?

No. This is not my racket.
Of this, I know from nothing.

I'll give you half interest. All I need
is five grand to open the show.

Five grand's a lot of money.

Sometimes it takes me a whole week
to make five grand.

Isn't he going to help you,
Mr. Bennett?

No dice. I had plans, Susan.
I was gonna make a big star out of you.

I knew you had the stuff
the first time I saw you.

Would Tony Queen put up the money
if he thought he had a sure thing?

[ Laughing ] IfTony thought he had a cinch,
he'd kick in with plenty.

I wish I could help you.

Thanks anyway. You don't happen
to have any money in your family, do you?

I have an aunt in Boston
who has quite a lot.

- But that's Boston.
- Yeah.

Doesn't do us much good when I figured
to open in a couple of nights.

Well, never mind any more rehearsals
for the present, honey.

Okay.

I'm out.

Boys, this has gone far enough.

I'll just call that two-dollar bet.

- What have you got?
- Two pair.

Why,you dummy.!
You've got four aces.

Just a minute, boys.
[ Chuckles ] Straight flush.

[ Knocking ]

- What's the good news, Susan?
- Bennett had Tony Queen down this morning...

trying to get him
to put some money in the show.

- But nothing doing.
- He wouldn't go for it, huh?

No. Bennett said he could get all the money
in the world from him for a sure thing...

but this is evidently
a little too legitimate.

- He even tried to promote me.
- What'd you say to that?

I told him the only one in my family
with money was an aunt in Boston.

Did you say you have
a rich aunt in Boston?

- Why, yes.
- [ Laughing ]

Honey, your rich aunt from Boston
arrived in town this morning.

- Gee, that's swell.
- She came here to visit her childhood sweetheart-

Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Amarillo County, Texas.

But where is she?
We could go and get her.

- Then we'd clean up the gang-
- She's right here.

Where?

Not me.
I'm not gonna be a dame.

Turn around.

- How do I look?
- Absolutely perfect.

- Let's go and show Chester.
- Wait just a minute.

- What?
- Let me see you walk.

- All right?
- Not like that.

Like this.

- Simple.
- Show me that again.

Now let's see you do it.

Auntie. Say, you look great.

- Don't forget. Your name is Emily Cartwright.
- Emily Cartwright.

- Come on, boys. It's late. We gotta hurry.
- Come on, Emmy.

- Not you. It's me.
- Oh, go on!

##[ Orchestra: Romantic ]

##[ Orchestra: Romantic ]

# Light winds blew
a trumpet fanfare #

#And the scene was set #

# Call it fantasy #

# It was real to me #

#Through the river's rippling curtain #

# I can see it yet #

# It's a scene I'll never #

# Forget #

#The moon kissed the Mississippi #

# Last night #

- ## [ Whistling ]
- ## [ Whistling ]

# Did you see #

#The moment you kissed me #

#The stars danced a little polka #

- # Last night #
- ##[ Whistling ]

#Yes, it's true #

#And did you see them too #

# Songbirds were singing #

#The Concerto in B-flat #

# May sound fantastic #

# But you can quote me
I can vouch for that #

#The moon kissed the Mississippi #

# Last night #

- # Did you see #
- ## [ Chorus Vocalizing ]

#The moment you kissed me #

[ Chorus ]
#The moon kissed the Mississippi #

- # Last night #
- ## [ Whistling ]

# Did you see #

# The moment you kissed me #

# Don't you remember #

#The stars danced a little polka #

- # Last night #
- ## [ Whistling ]

#Yes, it's true #

#And did you see them too #

##[ Orchestra ]

# The moon kissed the Mississippi #

- #Last night #
- # La la la la #

- # Did you see #
- # Lu lu lu lu #

#The moment you kissed me #

- #The birds warbled a concerto #
- ## [ Vocalizing ]

#The stars danced a little polka #

#The moon kissed the Mississippi #

# Last #

# Night ##

- Charming and clever, isn't she?
- I agree.

That's the only reason I'm considering
even selling you a piece of this show.

I want her to have
the best possible production.

Of course, you know
I wouldn't consider this investment...

- if it wasn't for Susan's future, would I, Watty?
- No.

She is charming and clever,
Miss Emily.

I hope you don't mind me
calling you ''Miss Emily.''

Oh, no, not at all.

You know, I just love the way
you show people carry on.

- [ High-pitched Giggle ]
- For $5,000, I'll give you 49% of the show.

- What do you think, Chester?
- It sounds like a sound business venture to me.

That's splendid.
When shall we draw up the papers?

- I suggest-
- Now, now, sugar pie. I wouldn't be too hasty.

This theater business is very risky.

I remember, when I was young,
I was hooked-

Uh, I mean, I invested
$50,000 in a musical show.

That, of course, my dear,
was before I met you.

Well, remember, turtledove,
it's for Susan...

and I want her to have
every opportunity.

I know, lamby pie,
but Mr. Roger Billingham...

the biggest theatrical producer in New York,
is a personal friend of mine...

and I'm sure that I could
interest him in Susan.

- Well, you know best.
- Pardon me, Miss Emily.

I'd like to talk
to the colonel privately.

Colonel, there are a few things
I must explain to you.

- [ Chuckling ]
- Pardon me.

Be firm, Watty.

Look, Colonel, I don't want anything
to go wrong with this deal.

This also means
quite a lot to me.

I have to protect my money-
I mean, my future wife's money.

Oh, I get it.
Yeah, I fully understand.

- How about a hundred bucks?
- [ Gasps ] Oh-

[ Chuckling ]

- [ Tapping ]
- Well, Colonel Bixby has changed his mind.

He now feels the proposition
is an excellent one.

- Good. Chester, you take care of the details.
-Just a minute.

I just happened to think that Emily
won't have full control of the show.

Only 49%.

Thank you, Watty.
I didn't even think of that.

Just a detail.
Just a detail.

I'm afraid the colonel
didn't quite understand my explanation.

Pardon me again.

And this is the end of the roll,
Colonel.

Three dollars... and 1 5 cents.

- That's all I got.
- Well, that's different, Mr. Bennett.

I didn't just
see it that way at first.

One, two, three.

- Do you smoke?
- Yeah.

Get yourself a package of cigarettes.
[ Chuckles ]

## [ Humming ]

Well, Miss Emily, 50% it is.

But the colonel drives
a hard bargain.

Don't mind the colonel.
He'll grow on you.

- He won't grow on me.
- You know, Watty...

I sometimes think you're only
marrying me for my money.

[ Chuckles ]
Tut, tut, tut.

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Bennett ] Here's the proposition.

You put up $5,000,
and I put up 5,000.

Then we put the entire amount
in an envelope...

and you may keep that envelope in your
possession until all the papers are drawn up.

- Is that clear?
- May I think this over?

[ Chuckles ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

What do you think, Chester?

As long as the money remains
in your possession, I can find no objections.

- Very well, it's settled.
- That's splendid.

That's the way
we Cartwrights do things.

- [ Both Laughing ]
- You be at my hotel in the morning...

with the money
and necessary papers.

- I'll be there.
- Good-bye, Mr. Bennett.

- Good-bye, Miss Emily.
- [ Giggles ] Good-bye.

- Come, Watty.
- Yes.

I only want the dough for a flash.
It won't be out of your hands two minutes.

- What about the show?
- I'm gonna forget it. It's nothin' but a headache.

- What do I get out of the deal?
- This is getaway money.

I'm willing to give you
a thousand dollars...

for the loan of five grand
for 1 0 minutes.

- Fifty-Fifty.
- All right.

- You think the old gal will fall
for the envelope switch?
- Of course she will.

How do you suppose I got the five
to put in the show in the first place?

[ Scoffs ]
I'd hate to tell you, brother.

You know, Ollie,
I was just thinkin'.

You know, Ollie,
I was just thinkin'.

- What about?
- Nothing. I was just thinking.

- Boys, have you got everything
set on the envelope switch?
- Oh, sure.

You realize we're gonna make the switch
first and beat them to it?

- You haven't got a thing
to worry about. Has he, Ollie?
- No.

After you've made the switch, slip me
the original envelope with the money in it...

and tell me to go down and
put it in the hotel safe, and I go.

- What's gonna happen to us?
- Make some excuse to leave and
hurry to the railway station.

I'll be waiting there
with the tickets.

- What about Susan?
- Uh, she'll be there to meet us.

I gotta go down and pay the hotel bill
and get our baggage out.

- You boys better get set. They'll be here soon.
- Right away.

And, boys, be careful.

We're dealing with one of the toughest
mobs in the country.

I'm doing my best with him, Chester.

One false move, and we'll all wind up
in the bottom of the Mississippi...

wrapped in concrete.

- [ Door Closes ]
- Wrapped in concrete?

Are you sure you've got that envelope
routine straight in your mind?

- Certainly. I've more than got it.
- Let's see it.

Now, I've got two envelopes.

- This one contains torn strips
of newspaper. Right?
- Mm-hmm.

And this one contains $1 0,000.

- Now, Bennett gives me the $1 0,000.
- Mm-hmm.

Then I give it back to him.
See, I-

I knew it! I knew-
Give me-

Now, this envelope contains
torn strips of newspaper.

Put that in your pocket.

Now, I'm Bennett,
and you're Stanley.

Now, this envelope contains $1 0,000.

Put that in your pocket.

How can you give me the envelope back
when I ask for it...

if you've got it
in the other pocket?

- But you didn't ask me for the other envelope.
- Give me the envelope. Here.

Now, you're me,
and I'm you.

How can you be me
when you're Bennett?

- You just told me you were-
- You're Bennett, and I'm Stanley.

- Well, where's Ollie?
- He's standing over there somewhere, anywhere.

- I don't get it. I just-
- Sit down. Sit down.

We're practically
wrapped in concrete now.

At the bottom of the Mississippi?

Yes, the bottom of the-
Never mind the Mississippi!

- Where's 41 0?
- Right over there, sir.

Thank you.

- [ Knocking ]
- There they are now.

[ Knocking Continues ]

- Are you sure you've got the money?
- Right here.

Now, don't forget
to be dignified.

[ Knocking Continues ]

That's fine.

- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, Colonel.

Good morning, Miss Emily. Here we are-
ready, willing and able to do business.

This is Mr. Queen,
an associate of mine.

Mr. O'Grady and Mr. Taylor,
who are also interested.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Oh, pardon me.
My adviser, Colonel Bixby.

- I call him ''Bixie'' for short.
- How do you do?

I brought along the currency, Miss Emily,
in thousand-dollar notes- five of them.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
Of course. Five more.

Thank you.

Now we'll put them
in the envelope...

as per the agreement.

There you are.

You hold on to it until the details
are completed, Miss Emily.

- Thank you.
- [ Door Opens ]

- Hello, Mr. Wright.
- Mr. Bennett.

- My secretary, Mr. Wright.
- How are ya?

- That completes everything,
Miss Emily. Good morning.
- Good-bye.

Oh, by the way,
for our mutual protection...

don't you think we'd better put a mark
of identification on that envelope?

Oh, I- I don't think
it's necessary. Really.

Oh,just a matter of business,
Miss Emily.

Well, maybe you're right.
Hey, Bixie?

Mm, I think so.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

- There you are, Miss Emily.
- Thank you.

Well, that makes the deal
as solid as concrete.

Maybe, Colonel, you'd
better keep this for sa-

Well, how about celebrating?

Let's have a snort of bourbon.

[ Chuckling ]
Emmy means a little libation.

I think I have a bottle
in the next room.

Miss Emily, if you'll give me the envelope,
I'll take it and put it in the hotel safe.

That's a good idea.
Thank you.

Good day, gentlemen.

How about the bourbon, Bixie?

I'll go right in and get it,
Emmy dear.

Pardon me, boys.

You know, gentlemen,
I'm one of those nip-and-tuck drinkers.

What's that, Miss Emily?

One nip, and they
tuck me away for the night.

- [ Giggles ]
- [ Both Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Stanley ]
I feel so gay.

- [ Giggling ]
- [ Laughing ]

- Did you ever hear the one about-
- Emmy?

I can't find the bottle.
Where'd you put it?

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

Shh!

[ Whimpering Quietly ]

What a character. If I hadn't a-seen it,
I wouldn't have believed it.

What a character. If I hadn't a-seen it,
I wouldn't have believed it.

- I told you it'd be a cinch.
-Jimmy. Watch that door.

What are you trying to do,
cross me?

Cross you? I've been slipped
the business myself.

Catch that dame!

- She's ducked. They beat it.
- Let's get outta here.

- [ Whimpering ]
- Come on, sister! Where's that dough?

- I haven't got it. Really.
- That secretary stooge has got it, hasn't he?

Yeah. Mr. Wright-
he took it to the office.

Bennett, if you're on this frame,
it'll be a slight case of murder.

I'm not that dumb.
We were taken.

This pair's crooked.
Where's Wright?

That money belongs
to Miss Cowan.

You know very well
you stole it from her mother.

- Why, you!
- [ Groans ]

[ Whimpering ] We were only
trying to get it back for her.

Oh, I wish you weren't a dame.

Wright's probably on the way to the showboat
to pick her up. That's our next stop.

I don't know who crossed who!
All I know is I'm out five grand!

Somebody's gonna pay it
back to me, or else!

I was on the level on the play. I just
wanted the dough for the old convincer.

- I was gonna turn it right back.
- Then you were played for a chump.

Here she is, Tony.

So this is the little gal who dug up
the pretty trap you walked into.

- Smart.
- Where's Wright?

- Come on. Tell us.
- I don't know where he is.

- When'd you see him last?
- The other day when he was here with you.

- Don't they know?
- He's disappeared.

I'm afraid he's hoodwinked all of us.

[ Crying ]
We've been left holding the bag.

[ Blows Nose ]

- You framed all this.
You know where he is. Tell us.
- Lay off a minute, Bennett.

You mean to say Chester
was just fooling us all the time...

that he never really intended
to pay me back the money?

I'm afraid he's made fools
of all of us.

Yeah. You and the two dames were
stooges for a smart operator.

And you fell for his gag like a corn-husker
from the wide, open spaces.

Hey, wait a minute.
I got an idea.

I'll take this joint over,
open just like you planned.

Later on, I'll bring in the bird cage,
roulette wheels and dice tables. I can clean up.

And you're gonna stay
because I need you in the show.

And I like you. I got an idea
we're gonna be good friends yet.

- You stick here and watch her... and Bennett.
- Me?

Yes, you. You do a swell act,
but I wanna look over your lines a bit.

Maybe you and Wright
are planning to split 50-50.

-Just a minute-
- Take these two Halloween masks
down to the boiler room...

and keep 'em there
until I decide what to do with 'em.

You're gonna get a nasty letter
from our lawyer for that Halloween crack.

[ Queen ]
Get out.!

##[ Orchestra: Dance ]

My goodness. It's chilly in here.

- Here. Put this around you.
- Thanks.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Mike.

- Yeah?
- Go down and tellJoe to put
some more fire in the boilers.

- We'll have the customers sitting
on their hands in a minute.
- Okay.

## [ Continues ]

Hey,Joe. Boss says to fire up.

- People are freezing their ears off upstairs.
- Yeah?

That's where you come in, buddy.
Make with the shovel.

- Me?
- Yeah,you.

- And no beefs about it.
- Well, what about-

So you're one of those guys that have
no respect for the opposite sex.

Make with the shovel.
Come on.

[ Yelps ]

[ Yelps, Blows ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Loud Clattering ]

Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

- I'm sorry. I-
- Sor-

Now, smart guy, shovel every lump
of that coal into that boiler.

- Would you mind handing me my shovel, plea-
- [ Shouts ]

[ Stammering ]
Now-Now-Just-Just- Don't-

##[ Orchestra: Up Beat ]

# Speaking sentimentally
This fix I'm in #

# I just can't minimize #

# Someone I love
can't see my love #

# I've got to open his eyes #

#Am I sincere about
somebody hereabout #

# I love him so
I can't bear it #

# I'm not mentioning names #

# If the shoe fits, you wear it #

#The dreams I've had about
someone I'm mad about #

# I don't know how to declare it #

# Must I play guessing games #

# If the shoe fits, you wear it #

#The minute he appeared
in my vicinity #

#He must have known
I must have shown #

# It was a danger zone #

# I'm in a glow about
some so-and-so about #

# I'll make him love me
I swear it #

# I'm not mentioning names #

# If the shoe fits
you wear it for me #

[ Girls ]
# Pardon the interruption #

# But now we choose
to dwell a little longer #

# On the subject of shoes #

# If you like your tootsies
with a well-groomed look #

#Tear a little coupon
from your ration book #

- # Mrs.J.B. Whoozit #
- # Or milady's cook #

# Gotta have a coupon
from your ration book #

# Does it matter whether
the shoes are made of leather #

# Or not #

[ Girls ] #With canvas and duck
ingenuity and pluck #

#What lovely creations we've got #

# So, baby, let's go steppin'
be it far or near #

# Good old Uncle Sammy
now has made it clear #

# Put your dancing slippers on
and don't you fear #

# 'Cause all God's chillun
got three pair a year #

[ Girls ]
# Hallelujah #

#All God's chillun got shoes #

# Let's change the theme again
get on the beam again #

# Somebody's love
I must share in #

# I'm not mentioning names #

# If the shoe fits
you wear it for me #

[ Girls ]
# If the shoe fits, wear it #

#Wear it for me ##

[ Sighs ]

- What's that?
- These are gas pills.

That's exactly what I need.
I got indigestion.

- But these are different-
- Shut up. Get shovelin'.

- Will you get me a glass of water, babe?
- Yes, but-

- Please don't take those.
- Oh, sit down, sweetie pie.

I've had indigestion before.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- This is sure gonna save my life.
- Oh!

[ Sighs ]

Boy, that's fine.
[ Sighs ]

[ Yelps ] What kind of pills
are those anyhow?

[ Whimpering ]
We tried to tell you they were gas pills.

Oh! Oh!
Get me down outta here!

[ Groaning ]
Get me outta here!

[ Groaning ]
Oh! Ohhh!

##[ Orchestra: Swing ]

- Nice goin', sister.
- It's not my sister. My mother.

- Come, Mother dear.
- [ Hiccups ]

There's no reason why we shouldn't
be friends. Good friends, kid.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Baby, if you'll string along with me,
you'll be sitting on top of the world.

We ought to celebrate at that.
We'll drink to each other.

I thought you'd begin
to see things my way.

Here's to ya, babe.

Good, huh?

- ##[ Ends ]
- [ Applause ]

- ##[ New Song ]
- Call a doctor!

Whoa-oh!

##[Jump ]

Keep your eyes open.

Oh!

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Women Scream ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Screaming, Shouting ]

- Boat's loose!
- [ Screaming, Shouting ]

It's the old Fremont.
She's loose on the river.

The showboat's running wild.
Send out the river boat.

[ Screaming, Shouting ]

- [ Ship Horn Blowing ]
- [ Woman Screams ]
- [ Ringing Bell ]

- [ Horn Continues Blowing ]
- Oh!

[ Horn Continues Blowing ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Horn Blowing ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Ringing Bell ]

Watch where you're going!

[ Horn Blowing ]

[ Policeman ] All right. Everybody go below.
Everybody go below. Come on.

[ Policeman ] All right. Everybody go below.
Everybody go below. Come on.

Honey, I was on my way to the pier
when I heard the showboat had broken loose.

I hopped on the police boat
and beat it over-

- Well, baby, what's the matter?
- What did you do with the money?

I wired the money to your mother
this morning. Look. There's the receipt.

Oh, Chester. I'm sorry.

Chester.

Why-

[ Laughing ]

Come on, baby.
Let's go.

Ohhh!

[ Sputtering ]

Well, we're going down
for the third time.

- [ Crying ] I'm sorry.
- Oh!

Oh!