Jingle All the Way 2 (2014) - full transcript

[ERIC VASQUEZ'S "DOWNTOWN CHRISTMAS"
PLAYING]

MAN [SINGING]: When it's cold out, baby
Put a jacket on for the chill

I got a bright red sleigh
Playing "Jingle Bells," what a thrill

I'm gonna shake it downtown
We got Christmastime to kill

It's a downtown Christmas
Baby, take a ride with me

Yeah, it's a downtown Christmas
Baby, take a ride with me

On a cold Christmas night
Downtown is where I wanna be

[ALARM BEEPING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES
OVER SPEAKER]

They got no lights to see

Heading southbound, baby
They got no...



[ALARM AND MUSIC STOP]

Dad. Hey, Dad. Time to wake up.

Dad.

Where's the button
on that snooze alarm?

Is that it? Where is it?
Heh-heh.

I'm not the snooze alarm.

Are you excited? It's time to go ice fishing.

I am excited. I'm gonna sleep on it,
figure out what we're gonna do with it.

[SIGHS]

Remember?
The early bird gets the worm.

And I think we know what happens
to that worm.

It gets gobbled up and eaten.

Don't make me.
All right, then.

Ugh.



All right. Now you've done it.
You know what you just did?

You just awakened the giant abominable yeti.
And you know what he feeds on?

Cookies?
No.

He feeds on tickles!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

They feed on tickles.
Come on, then. Let's go fishing.

[CHEERING]

["MELE KALIKIMAKA" PLAYING
OVER CAR STEREO]

BOTH [SINGING]:
Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say

On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day

My turn.

That's the island greeting
That we send to you

From the land where palm trees sway

Here we know that Christmas
Will be green and bright

The sun will shine all day
And all the stars at night

Mele Kalikimaka
Is Hawaii's way

To say merry Christmas to you

Take it away, Dad.

[SCATTING]

WOMAN [SINGING]:
The thing to say

[GIGGLING]

Hawaiian Christmas day

That's the island greeting
That we send to you

From the land where palm trees sway

NOEL: Dad, I wish you could've been
at Mommy's wedding.

You should've seen Mom's engagement ring.
The diamond was huge.

And during the wedding,
I got to hand Mom her ring.

I know, and you've been telling me all week.
That's awesome.

If your Mommy's happy, I'm super happy.

Yeah, she's super happy.

And Victor's awesome, don't you think?

Yeah, he's awesome.
Hey, you wanna know what else is awesome?

Yeah.
Watch this. What am I?

Heh-heh. A walrus with tooth decay?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Walrus with tooth decay. You're funny.
Hey, you want a Cheez Doodle?

For breakfast?

No, not for breakfast.
You don't eat that for breakfast.

You eat a Twinkie for breakfast.

[LARRY CHUCKLES]

What's wrong? What's wrong?
It's a Twinkie.

Hey, Dad?
How come you and Mom didn't stay married?

Well, sweetie,
I still love your mom and everything...

...and we're good friends.

I know.

You know, she likes classical music
and petite fours...

...and I like ice fishing and Twinkies and...

Plus, she's real organized
and ambitious and driven...

...and, well, I'm me.

I like ice fishing...

...and Twinkies and classical music
and petite fours.

Ha-ha. I know.
And that's why you're my little girl.

I think I got one.
No way.

Are you kidding? I haven't caught
anything here in six years.

Look, there it is.

LARRY:
Well, here we are. Victor's place.

NOEL:
Wow, I can't believe I'm going to live here.

It's like a palace.

Hey, I guess that makes me a princess.

LARRY:
Yeah, well, looks like that makes me the troll.

[NOEL GIGGLES]

Hurry, Victor. They're here.

VICTOR: Hey, there she is.
Mommy! Welcome home!

I missed you.
Look at you. You look bigger.

Mommy and Victor.
What's up, tiger?

NOEL:
Hi, Victor.

VICTOR: Hey, buddy.
Well. Hey, welcome home.

Hi, Larry.
VICTOR: Hey.

Did you two have a good time together?
Of course. Look at her. She's a princess.

We had fun, didn't we?
We had tons of fun.

We went skating, we went sledding,
we played hockey...

...and today we went ice fishing.

Ice fishing? How outdoorsy.
Yeah.

And I caught a fish. Show him, Daddy.
Sure did. Look, that's a trout.

Ah!
Look at that. Look how fat that is.

Ha, ha. That's a big one.
Might even be pregnant.

How was the honeymoon?
Oh, fantastic.

A week in Saint Croix,
another sailing around the islands.

Victor has his own boat.

Wow.

So I guess
it was your second-best honeymoon.

I think you forget ours, huh?
Sizzler and a movie.

Huh?

That was some good steak.
Yes. That's the big time.

Well, I'm not gonna brag about it.
Congratulations, Victor.

Thank you.

Now when she refers to her idiot husband,
she'll be talking about you instead of me.

TRISH [LAUGHING]:
Larry.

LARRY: You just getting going
on your decorations? Little late.

Well, Trish told me
how much Noel loves Christmas.

I love it!
Ha-ha.

You may have gone a little overboard.
No.

TRISH: So, what do you think?
NOEL: Wow.

It's so pretty.
Anything for you, sugarplum.

It's our first Christmas together.
I wanted it to be a memorable one.

NOEL:
Mmm.

Sugar cookies. Oh.
TRISH: Oh, after you wash your hands.

Yeah, you gotta get
that fish smell off of there.

Larry, how about a cup of coffee?
Hey, I could go for that. I'd love it. Love coffee.

Victor, how about I take that?
Please. Thank you.

[EXHALES]

So how's the business?
How's business?

You go first.
You do it.

How's the trucking business?
Part-time, right?

Well, yeah, it's part-time.
But see, that's how I like it.

Part-time is good.

That gives me more time
to spend with my daughter.

So how's the, uh, cardboard-box
business treating you?

VICTOR:
Great.

Baxter Box Company
is up 20 percent this year.

Online sales are booming.

I mean, all those packages...

Are you kidding me?
...have to be shipped somewhere, right?

My grandfather would be proud.
Yup. I built Baxter Box into an empire.

What's this little deal right here? That little box.
What, do you add water, and it gets bigger?

[CHUCKLES]

It's a little something I had made for the holidays
to give the workers at the company.

You know what? Take it.
It's my gift to you.

Really?
Yeah.

It's, uh... It's for decoration.
You can display it on your desk.

Well, I don't got a desk.

TRISH: Coffee's ready.
Oh, yes.

LARRY: Yeah, boy, I'll tell you what, I could go
for a steaming cup of joe about right now.

TRISH:
She goes back to school January 5th.

So for the rest of Noel's vacation,
we'll just alternate days, as always...

...with me and Victor
getting Christmas Eve this year...

...and you getting Christmas Day.

Yeah, that sounds good. I'm in.
That's... Wait. He gets Christmas Day?

Yeah.
Well, we switch off every year.

Alternate.
This year it's Larry's turn.

I understand that.

It's just, you know,
it's our first Christmas as a family.

I just thought we'd be together. First one.

Even
LARRY: Vic. Victor.

I get her one year, you get the next year.
That's how it operates.

Of course. I just...
It's Christmas Day, you know?

Christmas morning.
The presents under the tree.

Opening gifts.
The Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

I got trimmings. I make delicious trimmings.

Why can't I just do both?

Spend half of Christmas with Dad
and then go to Mom and Victor's.

That's a great idea.

Come on, Dad. Please, Dad?

Please?

All right. We'll think of something.
All right? We'll figure it out.

Go play. Okay, honey?
Yay! I get two Christmases.

[CLEARS THROAT]

TRISH:
Sorry, Larry.

Victor's just so excited
about being a stepdad.

He wants to spend as much time
as possible with Noel.

Well, what's done is done.

I'll tell you what. We'll go ahead and
have Christmas number one at my house.

Then I'll bring her over here, and you
guys can have Christmas number two.

Thanks, Larry.

And I'll talk to Victor about how
to handle these things in the future.

All right.
Dad, wait!

Victor's gonna put on the Christmas lights.
You ready? Come on. Honey, let's go.

Here we go. Ready?

One, two, three.

NOEL:
Wow.

VICTOR:
Wow.

TRISH:
Oh, Victor, that's amazing.

Dad, have you ever seen something
so beautiful?

Yeah, it's something, all right.
It is something, that's for sure.

This is going to be
the best Christmas ever!

[VICTOR AND TRISH CHUCKLE]

See y'all later.
NOEL: Good night, Daddy.

LARRY:
Good night, darling.

Hey, Ben Franklin.
You got a bulb out. Ha-ha!

[VICTOR CHORTLES
AND TRISH SIGHS]

It's all right, honey.
You did good.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN [SINGING]:
Can't wait for Christmas

And the lights on the Christmas tree

[BELL RINGS]

CLAUDE:
No way.

He actually called her "my little sugarplum"?
Yeah. I was standing right there.

Wow.

Even I know that's a violation
of daddy-stepdaddy protocol.

You gonna kick his butt,
like you did Kip Kornhausen?

Heh. Kip Kornhausen?
Oh, man. Bud, that was in third grade.

I'm not gonna kick his butt.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson, though.

[CHUCKLES]

When it comes to Christmas spirit, ha-ha,
I'm fit to be Victor's worst nightmare.

WOMAN [ON TV]: But the toy every little girl
and boy wants for Christmas...

...is Harrison the Talking Bear.

Check this out.

Using a sophisticated computer chip...

...Harrison can learn up to 300 words,
including a child's name.

HARRISON:
Hi, I 'm Harrison.

What's your name?
Margo.

Nice to meet you, Margo.
Let's be friends.

MARGO: Well, if you want one
in time for Christmas, you'd better hurry.

Supplies are limited and not expected to last.
I wish I had one of those when I was a kid.

COOK: Order up.
There it is right there.

Christmas lights, a hundred foot for $32.99.

So if I wanna get as many
as Victor's got.

Let's see. That's gonna run me about, uh...

...heh, a liver and two kidneys.

Ha-ha. Oh, boy.

He's gonna have
a winter wonderland over there.

And I can't really compete with his wallet,
so I'm gonna have to use my head.

I'll take the wallet,
first-round knockout.

Thanks for the vote of confidence there, Mags.
It's on the house, Larry.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait a minute. I got a great idea. Come on.

LARRY:
Well, that about does it.

We're all done. That's it.
That's the last part.

You know, using these used
car parts, Larry, was a great idea.

This is gonna look amazing.
Darn right it will.

Victor can put that in his wallet
and sit on it.

You're not gonna find better Christmas lights
than that anywhere, not even at Kmart.

Speaking of the devil.
Well, lookie here.

Ha-ha. This is gonna be fun.

Hi, Daddy.
- LARRY: Hey.

What's this?

Looks like you're using a lot
of electricity, Larry.

You sure this thing is safe?
Of course it is. I rigged it myself.

Obviously it's safe.
All right.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Claude, would you get up here?

All right.

In honor of Christmas and Noel...

...I bring to everybody...

...Larry's spectacular parade of lights.

Music please, Claude.

[ROYAL CHORAL SOCIETY'S "HALLELUJAH"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Heh, heh, heh. All right.

[ALL GASP AND LARRY CHUCKLES]

LARRY: That ought to be in some kind
of a home-and-garden magazine right there.

That's unbelievable.

[ALL GASPING]

TRISH:
Ooh.

NOEL:
Wow.

[TRISH GASPS
AND LARRY GRUNTS]

LARRY:
What do you think of that, sweetheart?

It's awesome.
It's glorious.

Ha-ha-ha.
And now I present to you the grand finale.

As they say in France,
the piece of the resistance.

[CHUCKLES]

[LARRY SCREAMING]

[THUDDING,
THEN LARRY GROANS]

Daddy!

Daddy?
Larry. are you okay?

[GROANING]

Am I in heaven?

Ugh. Hi, Victor. Oh.

LARRY: Sorry there was a power outage
so we couldn't make pancakes this morning...

...or bake Christmas cookies last night.

It's okay.
I can bake cookies with Chef Philippe.

Who's Chef Philippe?

Chef? HE'S Victor's chef.

Heh. I'll bet Victor's chef ain't got
Fruity Pebbles. How's them Fruity Pebbles?

Delish.
Heh-heh.

That's right. They're delicious.

Dad, I think we need a new holiday tree.

What's wrong with that one? That's one
of them little Charlie Brown trees.

He's so cute.

[SNIFFS]

I like the smell of Mommy
and Victor's better.

And it doesn't have enough room
for presents.

Why don't you and me go shopping
for a big old Christmas tree.

Yay! Cool beans!

NOEL:
Can I have this one?

It's almost as big as the one that
Mommy and Victor have at their house.

Yeah, but, honey, that thing's $300.
I mean, that's crazy.

For $300 it ought to already
have presents underneath it.

[GIGGLES]

Sugar, picking a Christmas tree
is like picking a boyfriend.

Trust me.
You can't just settle on the first one.

Or the second one or the third
or the fourth or the fifth.

Okay, I get it, Dad.
Hey, can I get apple cider?

I'll tell you what, that's the best
idea I've heard all day.

Here you go.
Get me one if it's not $300.

Okay -

So you like what you see?

Uh...

I plead the Fifth.
Ha-ha-ha.

Well, we have a wide variety of trees here.
I see.

If you want a fir tree,
we've got Douglas fir...

...we've got noble fir, we've got
concolor fir, we've got Canaan fir.

Hey, you look more like a pine guy to me.
Do I look like a pine guy?

Uh-huh.

Here I thought I was more of a concolor.
Boy, all these years I've been living a lie.

Well, we have white pine,
Virginia pine and Scotch pine.

So, what's your pleasure?
I want something very special and cheap.

Special and cheap?
Yeah.

Well, the ones that are cheaper
tend to be on the more sparse side.

But you can cover it up if you flock it.
Flock?

This one right here is only $165.

Hundred and sixty-five dollars.

How much is the flocking?
Oh, the flocking's free.

You know what? I'll just take the flocking.
Heh-heh.

WOMAN: You could go for this guy over here.
He might be more in your price range.

What in tarnation is that thing?

WOMAN: That is a special-order
50-foot Norway spruce shipped from Maine.

Fifty-foot.
It costs $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars.
Heh, heh.

What kind of blockhead buys
a Christmas tree for $10,000?

Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's great.
LARRY: Oh. Never mind.

Hey, can you give me a second?
I wanna check that tree out.

Sure.
That's something else.

[GROANS]

You couldn't find anything bigger? Heh.
Just kidding. Thank you very much.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

It's fantastic. Hey, Trish.

Oh. Oh, it's perfect. Noel's gonna love it.
It's gonna be the best tree-lighting ever.

Victor, I get that Baxter Box always hosts
the town's tree-lighting ceremony...

...but do you really have to buy the town
a $10,000 tree?

Are you trying to run for mayor?

No, no, hon. I'm just trying to buy
some goodwill and affection here.

I just figure the bigger the tree,
the more the affection, right?

Oh, so he's trying to buy Noel's love.
My little girl's love ain't for sale for anybody.

Sorry.

Hey! No, I'm in here! Turn it off!
I can't see!

Turn it off! Somebody turn
this machine off!

I can't... Ack! I can't...

[LARRY COUGHING]

[GASPS]

NOEL:
Dad. What happened?

LARRY: I hope somebody got
the license plate of that pigeon.

VICTOR: You wanna have a snowball fight?
Huh? Come on.

Yeah.
Ouch.

[VICTOR GRUNTING
AND NOEL LAUGHING]

Na-na-na!

You missed me. Ah!

No, no, no!

You have got a really good arm.

[NOEL GIGGLING]

Ah!
Gotcha. Oh, she's charging.

[YELLS]

No! Okay, this is war.

Yeah!
Ow!

Way to go.
Na-na-na! You missed me.

[VICTOR & NOEL GIGGLING]

Ow! Okay. Oh! Oh!

I'm gonna feel this in the morning.

How are you even doing that?

Ugh.
Ha!

[VICTOR FEIGNS LAUGHTER]

VICTOR:
I hit you a hundred times.

I got you a million and 98.

[ALL LAUGH]

You two have fun?
We had tons of fun. I totally nailed Victor.

She did.
Good for you.

Well, your lunch is ready for you
in the kitchen.

And remember, we're dropping
you off at your dad's at 3.

We have enough time
for another snowball fight after lunch.

Right, Victor?

You wouldn't be interested in peace talks,
would you?

Not a chance.
Heh, heh, heh.

I had a lot of fun with you,
Victor.

Oh.

Me too.

You're almost as much fun as my dad.

[EXHALES]

Almost as much fun as Larry.

[SIGHS]

I can't compete with that guy.

Skating, sledding, hockey, ice fishing.

He's like a big squishy teddy bear.

This isn't a competition, Victor.
You're Noel's dad too.

Dad Number 2. Second best.
Runner-up.

A substitute.

Not the real thing
but a startling simulation.

"Dad too," as in "dad also."

Your job is to be there for Noel,
same as Larry.

That's all that matters.

Okay?

Okay?

Teddy bear.
Mm-mm.

LARRY:
I'm telling you, Claude...

...Victor may have a snow machine,
but Noel is gonna love this.

Larry, this is crazy.
Yeah, but it's the real-good kind of crazy.

Who needs a snow machine
when you've got real snow?

Go like this.
It's better on your back.

NOEL: When is he gonna be here?
I'm sure he'll be here soon, honey.

Hopefully in the next year.

LARRY: Ha-ha-ha.
TRISH: That's Larry.

There he is.

Hey!
NOEL: Hey. He's here.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING
OVER CAR STEREO]

Hi, Daddy.
Where's my little girl?

[LARRY GRUNTING]

Oh, good. Oh, you're getting big.

We've been waiting for a half-hour.
Where have you been?

I got a surprise for Noel.
A surprise? What is it? What is it?

How would you like to have some real snow
at Christmas?

We already have snow at Victor's.
LARRY: I know, but that's that fake stuff.

I mean real snow.
This come out of the sky and everything.

It's real snow, not that synthetic
man-made polyester stuff...

...that you've got at your house.

This is real.
That would be awesome.

LARRY: Darn right it would be.
Let's show these nonbelievers, Lar.

Oh, boy. It's gonna be exciting.
This is the best idea I ever had.

Get ready to be bowled over.

[LARRY SCREAMING]

[TRISH GASPS
AND VICTOR LAUGHS]

LARRY: Anybody got a towel?
Daddy?

You know what that is?
Heh-heh. No.

It's a tickle monster.

[NOEL GIGGLING
AND LARRY GUFFAWING]

It's a tickle monster!

All right, you goof, time for bed.

Good night, Dad.
Thanks for the snow.

I really liked it, even though
it was melted and everything.

Sweetie, that's nice of you.
I appreciate it.

Listen, I love you. Good night. Mwah.
Now, you have a good night's sleep, okay?

Good night, Daddy.
Good night, sweetie.

[LARRY SIGHS, THEN GROANS]

I don't know, Claude.
I just can't catch a break.

I don't know how I can
compete with Victor.

It's tough. I'll give you that.

He's younger, richer,
more educated.

He's in great shape and much,
much, much better-looking.

All right. I get the point.

Look, the more important question is...

...why do you feel the need
to compete with Victor?

Noel doesn't care about that stuff.
She loves you for you, Larry.

I am pretty lovable.

[CHUCKLES]

Good night, Larry.

See you later, Claude.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Is my angel ready to order?
I sure am.

I was referring to the little angel.
Oh, sorry.

My usual, Maggie, please.

PB&J, light on the PB and heavy on the J.

Correct.
I'll have the same thing I always have too.

Deep-fried everything, hold the salad.

Boom. Ha-ha.

I tell you what, Maggie,
you know me pretty good.

I got your number, Larry.

So, what you working on there?
Your homework?

My letter to Santa.

Letter to Santa?
I thought you got that done July 4th.

[CHUCKLES]

There's something special I want.

What is it?
I can't tell you or anyone else.

If I do, it won't come true.
It's like making a wish.

No, no, no. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna ruin that.

But, hey, can you give me a little hint?

I'm asking Santa...

...for the one thing
I want more than anything in the world.

Well, hey, I got an idea.
There's a mailbox right over there.

Why don't you give me the letter,
and then I'll run it out there.

Would you, Daddy? Thank you so much.

You got it, squirt.
I'll be right back.

CLAUDE:
Hey, Larry.

Hey, Claude, what's going on? Ha-ha-ha.
What you up to?

Noel's letter to Santa Claus.

I figure what Victor can do in quantity,
I can do in quality.

What? You're not thinking of opening that,
are you?

Yeah. Of course.

I mean, look, Victor can get a big old tree
and a bunch of fancy lights...

...and a bunch of fake snow.

But when I see what she's got in here,
what she really wants...

...I can give it to her.

That's a private letter, not addressed to you.

Not to mention, that's a federal crime.

Claude, it's my daughter's letter
to Santa Claus.

I think we're gonna be fine.

That's just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And you see this?
This is my letter to Santa Claus.

If I find out you tampered with it,
you're gonna answer to me...

...and Mr. Claus himself.

Boy, who pooped in his hashbrowns?

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Boy, her handwriting's horrible.

Ha-ha. Just like her daddy's.

"Dear Santa:
For Christmas I want my family to get...

...her... Hera...

Herasone."

Huh?

What the heck's a herasone?

Bye-bye, Daddy.
LARRY: See you later, sweetheart.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING
OVER CAR STEREO]

So, what did you and Larry do today?
Not much.

VICTOR: Uh-huh. More ice fishing?
No. We just went to the diner.

I wrote a letter to Santa.
Oh, oh, oh. Let me guess.

Uh, Pixie and her Starburst Buddies.
Ah-ah-ah!

Little Paris and her Magical Closet.

Those are little-kid toys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
What, um...?

What did you ask Santa for?

I can't tell you,
or else I won't get what I want.

I didn't even tell Dad.

Oh. Oh.

Well, you know, we should probably
mail those letters right away, so, uh...

You know, I could take it for you.
Dad already did.

Did he?

He went right out of the diner to mail it
as soon as I wrote it.

Really?

WELLING:
Thanks. Excuse me.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Security. Welling here.

Welling.

I have an assignment for you.

Hm.

Yes, sir.

It would be my pleasure, sir.

What are you up to, chubby?

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, hey. Hi, I'm Jeffrey.
Welcome to Toy Traders.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays,
happy Hanukkah...

...happy Kwanzaa,
and a very happy winter solstice.

I think you got all the bases covered, champ.
Thank you.

Listen. I'm looking for something,
but I don't quite know what I'm looking for.

Okay.
Uh...

Herasone.

I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time
reading your handwriting.

That's not my handwriting.
It's my daughter's. She's 7.

Mine's a lot worse, trust me.
Oh, it is? Wow. Um...

Yeah.
You have any of those?

Yeah. No clue. No idea, sir.

Oh, boy.

Wait a second.
Unless she means Harrison.

What's a Harrison?
Harrison the Talking Bear.

You're gonna love this.
Follow me. Yes!

Harrison the Talking Bear.
Haven't you heard?

It's only the most popular toy amongst
the coveted 5-to-10-year-old age demographic.

So the bear learns the kids' names
and then says it back to them.

It's the hottest toy this season.

Really? That bear?
Oh, yeah. They love it.

That's what kids are going nuts over.
Nuts for the bear!

Well, all right.
I guess I'll get my daughter one.

Sorry, but we're all sold out.

These things keep flying off the shelves
as fast as we can stock them.

My daughter really wants one of these bears.
Think maybe you might have one in the back?

Sorry. But...

...if you write your name and number down,
I will call you as soon as we get some more in.

You think some other stores
might have one of these bears?

Mmm. Maybe.

You'll have to try again tomorrow.
All the shops are closing up right now.

All right. Well, it looks like tomorrow
I'm going bear hunting. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, thanks for shopping at Toy Traders.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays,
happy Hanukkah...

...happy Kwanzaa,
and a very happy winter solstice.

LARRY: Okay. Merry Christmas in any language.
Merry Christmas.

Hey. Hi, I'm Jeffrey.

Welcome to Toy Traders.
Can I help you out with anything?

A Harrison Talking Bear? Are you sure?

That's what he asked for.
Seemed really desperate to get it.

[SIGHS]

So Noel wants a Harrison Talking Bear.

And to your knowledge,
he hasn't found one yet?

Nope.
All the other stores are closed.

Although he'll certainly be out
looking for one tomorrow.

Good.

I have another assignment for you.

[LARRY SNORING, ALARM BEEPING]

LARRY: Five more minutes.
Give me five more minutes.

[ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING]

Eleven-thirty!

[NIKKI LEONTI AND RYAN EDGAR'S
"WRAPPING UP THE HOLIDAYS" PLAYING]

MAN [SINGING]:
I got the holiday wrapped up tight

Open?

Do you have this, miss?
Okay.

Thank you.

Wrapping up the year
Take the good with the bad

Be of good cheer

I don't think I asked for much

Just a little such and such

What you gonna get me for Christmas?
Christmas

If I could have just one thing

I'd make it everything

Yeah, I want it all for Christmas
Christmas

For Christmas

HARRISON:
Hi, I 'm Harrison.

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

I got the holiday wrapped up tight

Getting ready for Christmas night

I don't think I asked for much

Just a little such and such

Ring it up.

Christmas

If I could have just one thing
I'd make it everything

Let's load them up
and move them out. Ha-ha.

For Christmas
Christmas

For Christmas, yeah

Wrap it UP

Ooh, wrap it up

Yeah

Oh, man.

Wrap it UP

It's all I want for Christmas

Whoa.

Hi. Excuse me.

Hey.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Mine.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

LARRY:
Mm-hm.

Yeah, I understand. Ah.

Are you gonna be getting
any more Harrison Bears in?

[MAN LAUGHS OVER PHONE]

Well, I'm glad it's so dad-gum funny.
MAN: You gotta be kidding me.

[SIGHING]
Still no luck?

Nothing. I've tried every toy store
within 500 miles.

Waynesville, Morganton, Boone.
They're all sold out.

Well, what about online? eBay?

They've got rush delivery, right?

Soonest they can get it to me is on the 26th.
I need it on Christmas, not the day after.

Well, I'm sure that she'll love
whatever you got her.

Well, that's the problem.

I didn't get her nothing yet.

Planning ahead, I see.
Maggie, it ain't easy.

Back in the day, when she was littler...

...you know, I'd go into some toy store
and get her some kind of doll with pink on it...

...or some kind of unicorn or a bunny
or something with a magic wand.

She's older now.
It just doesn't work. It's a lot harder.

[LARRY GROANS]

I gotta get that bear.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

This is Larry.

Hey, this is Jeffrey calling from Toy Traders.
You signed up for the Harrison wait list.

Well, I'm calling to tell you
that we have more Harrison Bears just arrived.

They'll be available tomorrow morning
on a first-come, first-served basis.

So get here early.

Oh, man. I don't believe it.
I got me a Harrison Bear.

[LARRY CHUCKLES]

Whoo! Pie for everybody.

You're the only one here, Larry.

Well, I'll take theirs. Ha!

[HUMMING]

[LINE RINGING]

Hey, Mr. Welling?

Hi, this is Jeffrey calling from Toy Traders.

Well, I'm calling to tell you
some really, really good news.

I see.

First-come, first-served.

What time do you open?

See you then.

[ALARM BEEPING
AND LARRY GASPS]

[THUDDING,
THEN LARRY GROANS]

I'm awake. I'm awake.

Ha.

Yeah, you're a pretty good dad, Larry.

I'll bet Victor wouldn't do this for Noel.

Ugh. Oh, man.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hey, is everybody in this line
to buy a Harrison Bear?

Uh, that's right, friend.

[GROANS]

What some people won't do to get a toy, huh?
Yeah.

LARRY:
Ha!

It's crazy.

[CHATTERING]

How you doing?

Some bear.

WOMAN:
No, no. I put one on hold.

Good morning, everyone. Thank you
for waiting outside all night long.

[SNORES]

I am thrilled to let you know...

...that we have a new shipment
of Harrison Bears.

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah!

JEFFREY:
Okay, one at a time. Let's slow down.

Take your time. There's no rush.

LARRY:
Where are these bears?

What?
WOMAN 1: There's nothing here.

MAN 1: Where are all the bears?
This can't be happening.

MAN 2: Hey. Where are all the bears?
Yeah. Where's the new shipment?

I'm sorry, everyone,
but the Harrison Bears have sold out.

WOMAN 2: What?
What?

MAN 3:
Oh, come on.

Thank you for shopping
at Toy Traders.

And have a very merry Christmas,
happy holidays, happy Hanukkah...

...happy Kwanzaa,
and a very happy winter solstice. Ah!

Them things sold out in five minutes?
More like 30 seconds.

First customer just came
and bought them all.

He bought every one of them bears?
Yeah. All 50 of them.

I guess he's got a lot of kids.

Don't you got, like, some kind of
a one-per-family limit or something?

I told you it was first-come, first-served.

BOY -

You know what?
I hope you have a sucky holiday...

...a sucky Christmas, a sucky Hanukkah,
a sucky Kwanzaa, and a sucky winter salsa.

LARRY: What are you looking at?
You started the whole thing.

Oh, okay.

It looks like someone's gonna get coal
in their stocking this year.

When the coal...
When the fairies put the coal and...

You'll just wish you had something
other than coal.

[GROANS]

Hey. You're the guy
at the front of the line.

Are you the guy who's been
buying up all these bears?

First-come, first-served.

You got 50 of them. How many kids you got?
I have a lot of nephews and nieces.

Hey, listen.

You think maybe you could, uh,
spare me one of them?

I mean, I'll give you $100.

A hundred bucks. One bear.

Sorry.
Oh, man, look, I'm des...

Man, I'm really desperate.
I'd love to have one of them...

Ah! Jeez. Ah.

Uncle.

If you'll excuse me...

...I have a lot more holiday shopping
to attend to.

Pfft. If I wasn't full of Christmas spirit,
I'd have knocked him out.

[GROANS]

And you're certain there's not a single
Harrison Bear on any shelf in town?

Uh-huh.

Thank you, Welling.

[CHUCKLES,
THEN HORN HONKS]

Noel, your dad's here.

TRISH: Bye, sweet pea.
Bye, Mom.

So how's everything, Larry?

Oh, awesome. Real good.
Couldn't be better.

Doing any Christmas shopping?
A little bit. You?

No, no. I think I've got it wrapped up this year.
Good.

In fact, I think this is gonna turn out
to be an extra-special Christmas...

...for someone we both know.

You two have fun.

NOEL:
Come on, Dad.

Wow, this is looking really great.

You're darn right it does. Look at that.
Dad. You're eating all the shingles.

I know. It's pathetic, ain't it?

Here I thought I'd be full
after the chimney.

[CHUCKLES]

Heh. Don't worry, sweetheart.

I got enough shingles
for 10,000 gingerbread houses.

Hey. I'll bet Victor doesn't have time
to make a gingerbread house with you like I do.

No. He's been awfully busy...

...with some big project called
Operation Who's Your Daddy.

You didn't happen to tell Victor what was in
that letter you wrote to Santa Claus, did you?

Oh, no, Dad.

I wouldn't do anything that might keep me
from getting what I asked for.

Boy, you really want that thing,
don't you?

Whatever it is. Uh...

Hey, sweetheart,
let me ask you something.

What if Santa Claus isn't able
to get you what you asked for?

Oh, no, Dad, don't even say that.
I know Santa will come through.

He just has to.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

You haven't even touched your pie.
Oh, Maggie.

I ain't got much of an appetite.

Maybe I should take your pulse,
see if you're still alive.

It's that dad-gum stuffed bear.
It's stressing me out.

You haven't found one yet?

No. Those stuffed bears are rarer
than a cabdriver with fresh breath.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hey. Maybe you should ask
those ladies where they got theirs.

Hurry.
That's a Harrison Bear.

I'll be right back.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me, ladies.
Excuse me, ladies. Hold on.

I'm desperate. It's about your bear.

What about the bear?
What about the bear?

I want it, and I was wondering if...

No. You're the fifth person in the last hour
to ask us about it.

And we're telling you, it's not for sale.
It's not for sale. At any price.

No, I don't wanna buy it. I was just...
Oh, heh. Oh, so you just wanna take it?

Nobody takes this bear. It's for our grandniece.
It's for our grandniece.

No, no, I think you misunderstand me.
WOMAN 1: We're warning you.

We've taken a senior-citizen
self-defense class.

Chop! Huh?

[WOMAN 1 GRUNTS,
THEN LARRY GROANS]

WOMAN 2:
That'll teach you.

Don't mess with a senior. Hmph.
Hmph.

WOMAN 1: There you go. The nerve.
Where's the spirit of Christmas?

[GROANING]
Christmas is getting violent.

[GRUNTS]

A Harrison Bear.

Roosters Tavern.

Reindeer Charity Fundraiser.

[CHUCKLING]
Yeah.

EMCEE: Welcome, ladies and gentleman,
to Roosters Tavern's...

...annual Bucking Reindeer
Charity Fundraiser.

[ALL CHEERING]

Hooray!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

CLAUDE:
I'm not too crazy about this.

We have 10 very brave Santas up here
willing to risk life and limb...

...to raise money...
Life and limb?

...for St. Luke's Children's Hospital by trying
to see how long they can stay on Bucky.

I've never ridden a mechanical reindeer before.
Neither have I.

With both of us riding, it gives us a better
chance to win that Harrison Bear there for Noel.

And the Santa who stays on
the longest will win our grand prize.

Ho-ho-ho!

We got it. We got it.
Better give up now, fellas.

My boy wants that bear for Christmas,
and I never let my boy down.

Well, my little girl wants it too,
and I never let my little girl down.

Let me tell you, it ain't over till it's over.
Oh, it's over.

Let the games begin!

Santa Number 1.
Victory!

EMCEE: That's Santa Number 1 up here?
Are you ready, Santa Number 1?

On your mark, get set...

...let's ride!

[ALL CHEERING]

He's holding on for dear life.
He's holding on.

Ooh, he's off!

We've got his score. Seven seconds.

Not a bad start, Santa Number 1.

Well, let's get the second Santa Claus
up here.

Let's go.
LARRY: Good luck, Claude.

You can do it, Claude.
Stay on her, buddy.

EMCEE: Santa Number 2, are you ready?
I'm... I'm ready.

Ready, set, let's ride.

Ugh!

EMCEE:
That was interesting.

How long did I go for?
You were on for one second.

What?

One second, everybody.
Keep it going for Santa.

Santa Number 3. Let's ride!

Oh, oh, oh!

And he's got nine seconds.
Whoo!

ALL: Oh!
EMCEE: Let's ride!

Oh, man. Fall, fall, fall. Yes!

Ho-ho-ho.
Go, go, go!

Yes!
Oh, yeah.

Santa Number 7, come on down.

[ALL CHEERING]

EMCEE:
Let's ride!

[CHUCKLES]

Number 7 is holding on.

Oh!
Oh, my gosh. Look at this guy go.

Oh, he's still hanging on.
He's holding on for dear life.

He's still going. He's still...

You've gotta be kidding me.

Number 7, 22 seconds.

[ALL CHEERING,
EMCEE MAKES SHOOTING SOUNDS]

You've done it, Number 7.
What are you gonna do, Larry?

You can't hold on for 23 seconds.
I'm gonna get something out of my truck.

LARRY: Let me tell you something.
This glue is gonna give me the edge I need.

Do me a favor. Get my backside, would you?
Aw. That's disgusting.

Would you just do my backside, dude?
Do you want Noel to win that bear or not?

Oh, yeah.

Do not forget...

...you must get at least 23 seconds
on the bull to win the grand prize.

Let's go, boys.
EMCEE: Let's ride!

Come on, chubby man!
Whoa!

EMCEE:
He's a tornado on the back of a reindeer.

How fast this thing go?
LARRY: All right, okay.

[LARRY SCREAMING]

CLAUDE:
Do not let go. Do not let go.

[SCREAMS]

Hang on, Larry!

[EMCEE GUFFAWS]

Go! Go! Go!

[LARRY SCREAMS]

Oh!

EMCEE:
He's done it, 31 seconds!

We've got a new champion!

He did it!
I won! I won!

In 31 seconds. Do you hear?

EMCEE:
You have won yourself...

...a weekend for two in the beautiful,
romantic Pocono Mountains.

Pocono?
EMCEE: All right.

No, no, no. I wanted the bear.

I thought first prize was the bear.
EMCEE: Sorry, but well done.

Now, in second place, Rider Number 7...

...you have won Harrison the Talking Bear.

I won?

[MAN CHUCKLING]

My boy's gonna have
the best Christmas ever.

Oh, yeah. Number 2!

EMCEE:
Give it up for Number 2! Oh, yeah!

Now, what am I gonna do
with a trip to the Poconos?

I'll go with you.

Come on, Claude.

Boy, it's breezy in here.

LARRY: I'll tell you, Claude, I don't know.
I know this, though.

At this rate, heh,
I'm never gonna get one of them bears.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What is going on?

HARRISON 1: Harrison loves to play.

HARRISON 2:
That tickles. Heh, heh.

HARRISON 3: I'm baby Harrison. Time for a nap.

HARRISON 4:
Hi-hidey-ho, I'm Harrison.

[CHILDREN CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

HARRISON 5: This is fun. Harrison loves exercise.

Where are all these bears coming from?

Did you get any more of them talking bears in?
Oh, hey. We certainly do.

Oh, man. Everybody's got one but me.
Can I have one?

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

LARRY THE BEAR: Hi, I'm Larry the Loser Bear. Get her done.

Hey, that ain't a Harrison Bear.
That's a me bear.

This is the second most popular toy amongst
the coveted 5-to-10-year-old age demographic.

Second most?
Well, what's the most popular?

This one.

VICTOR THE BEAR: Hidey-ho, I'm Victor the Talking Bear.

I'm the best dad ever,
and I'll buy whatever your little heart desires.

[CHUCKLING]

I love that one.
Every kid in America wants one of these.

A Victor Bear. Daddy, can I please have it?

That's the thing I want more than anything
for Christmas.

MARGO: I'm here at town hall, where they're
setting up a soup kitchen for the homeless.

As you can see, there are some wonderful toys
that will be handed out at noon today...

...to needy boys and girls
by none other than Santa himself.

SANTA:
Ho-ho-ho.

Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.

I'm Margo Price, Channel One News.
WOMAN: Thanks, Margo.

Oh, man.

You cannot be thinking
what you're thinking right now.

Are you happy?
I'm so glad you're happy.

[GROANS]

No guilt, Larry. Come on.

Yeah, this $500 donation
way makes up for that bear.

All right.

Larry? Larry Phillips?
Yeah.

Is that you?
Oh, hey, Janie.

How's tricks?
Good, good.

I was just dropping off some presents
to donate for the charity event.

I haven't seen you
since we graduated from high school.

I know. It's been a long time.
All right, then.

Larry. Don't give up.
You know, it's bound to get better.

Oh, no, Janie, I'm doing fine, really.
These are...

These are just old clothes. It's washday.

I hope this isn't
because I dumped you, Larry.

Well, hold on a second.

I kind of remember that differently.
It was kind of mutual.

Oh, I have to go to church.
But it was really good seeing you again.

You too.
And I'm sure this is all just a little rough patch.

Huh?
You know? And I just want you to be brave.

I don't need money, Janie.

Larry, there is no shame
in accepting help.

You poor, poor man.

I don't...
Goodbye.

Twenty bucks?
Boy, heh, heh. I'm in the wrong business.

SANTA:
Ho-ho-ho.

Well, I think I've got something
very nice for you.

Merry Christmas.

I hear you want a doggy for Christmas.

Ho-ho-ho! Well, we just happen
to have one here.

Here you go. Merry Christmas.

Ho-ho-ho.

[SIGHS]

That's what makes it all worthwhile.
Whoa!

How you doing, Santa?
Are you kidding me?

You're cutting off the circulation
in my leg.

Oh, come on. The real Santa Claus
wouldn't care about that.

Oh, yeah? Well, the real Santa Claus is kind
of busy this time of year, you might've noticed.

Look, I'm here for my daughter.
Oh, yeah? Why isn't she here herself?

I'll be honest.
She's kind of scared of Santa Claus.

How does a kid not like Santa Claus?
She must have sat on some Santa's lap...

...that was sweating real bad and had
bad breath and asked a lot of nosy questions.

Okay, okay. Here you go. Ho-ho!

This is for your daughter.

She wants that Harrison Bear.
Can I get the Harrison Bear?

She'll love the doll.

Santa Claus, I am not leaving your lap
until I get that Harrison Bear.

Matter of fact, I had some Mexican food
last night, and it's starting to bubble up.

You better give me that bear. If I explode,
you'll have to call Roto-Rooter for backup.

Quick, get the bear. Give this guy
his bear. Give him his bear.

Ha-ha!

Oh, man. Santa Claus, you just made
a dad and a little girl real happy.

HARRISON: Hi, I'm Harrison.
And one from the bear. Whoo!

I got me a bear.

[CHUCKLES]

I got a bear. I got a bear.

I got me a Harrison Bear.
I can't believe I got a bear.

Whoa. Is that a Harrison Bear?
Sure is, buddy. I got it for my daughter.

Oh.

She sure is lucky.

I wanted the same thing, but Daddy says
Santa's on a tight budget this year.

That's terrible. Well, maybe your daddy
will come up with something...

...and you'll have a good Christmas this year.
He can't.

He doesn't get out of jail
till Valentine's Day.

He was just trying to steal enough money
so Mom could get her operation.

Man, that's really sad.

Oh, Well.

I just hope Santa doesn't forget me
on Christmas...

...like he did last year.

And the year before that.

And the year before that.

Hey, kid.

Catch.

You're giving me
your Harrison Talking Bear?

Yeah. I figure since Santa's on a tight budget
this year, I'll be Santa's helper.

So Merry Christmas.

Sucker!

And that's why some couples just have pets.

I've been had.

Bring me back that bear!

Sorry kid. Come back here!

Bring me back my bear!

Excuse me. Sorry. Give me that...
Give me that bear!

I got you, you little punk.
Now give me that bear.

Fat chance, tubby.
Tubby? Come on.

You know that's hurtful. I'm not Tubby.
I'm big boned. Now give me that bear.

Please, mister. Don't take my
Harrison Bear. I'm begging you.

Kid, just give me the bear.

I won't let you take my bear,
no matter how much you threaten me.

Hey, what's going on here?
Are you threatening this little boy?

I'm not threatening that punk.
He tricked me out of that bear.

It was a gift from my daddy, who's in jail.
And he wants to take it away from me.

That's real rich, kid. That's real rich.
You're pretty good, you know?

Larry. Just because you've fallen
on hard times...

...that's no excuse to steal from a child.

No. Y'all are misunderstanding
the whole thing about what's happening here.

Oh. Oh, I understand.
I understand you should be put in jail.

Come on. Let's get him.
WOMAN 1: Let's get him.

Wait a minute. For the record, Janie...

...I dumped you.

Oh, that's it. Let's get him!

WOMAN 2: Let's get him!
MAN: Get him!

WOMAN 1:
Get him!

Nice work, kid.

Fifty bucks, as agreed.

It'll be a hundred.
We agreed on 50.

Delivery charges.

Or do you want me to give it back
to the doofus?

I'm starting to feel
like the doofus myself, kid.

On three.

One, two, three.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Stupid bear.

HARRISON:
Heh, heh. That tickles.

MAN 1:
Get back here! Get him!

MAN 2: Come on, get him!
WOMAN 1: There he is!

WOMAN 2:
Stop him!

LARRY:
Help!

[LARRY PANTING,
BANGS AGAINST TABLE]

MAN 1:
Oh, he's faster than he looks.

He's gotta be around here somewhere.
Keep looking.

WOMAN 1: Sinner! Sinner!
WOMAN 2: Where did he go?

This wouldn't have anything to do
with you trying to get that toy, would it?

It actually would, Maggie. Oh, boy.

I need a cup of coffee. And a defibrillator.

MARGO:
And in the final run up until Christmastime...

...shoppers are swarming the malls
looking for last-minute gifts...

...and stocking stuffers.

But for those shoppers
who are hoping to pick up...

...a Harrison Talking Bear before Christmas
are going to be out of luck.

Toy-store managers are saying...

...that they don't expect any more
Harrison Talking Bears in until after Christmas.

For Channel One News, I'm Margo Price.

WOMAN'.
Thanks, Margo.

Is there anything else on the list
you can get her?

How about a Mr. Potato Head?
Everybody loves potatoes.

Everybody don't like Potato Heads.

Besides that, the Harrison Bear
was the only thing she had in the letter.

And I'm pretty sure
Victor's bought her everything else.

Boy, the one time of year I can do
something special for my little girl...

...and ends up being an epic fail.

It wasn't that bad of...
Oh, it was a fail.

WOMAN: For those of you who haven't
finished your Christmas shopping...

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Ha!

Heh. At least it wasn't in the dip.

Larry Phillips.
MAN [DISTORTED]: Larry Phillips?

I understand you're in the market
for a Harrison Talking Bear.

Something about a Harrison Talking Bear.
Go ahead.

Come to McKibble's old junkyard
and meet me in the warehouse at midnight.

Come alone and bring $500 cash.

Five hundred dollars? Heh.
Five hundred dollars?

You sure you're calling
the right house?

Am I talking to the man who wants
to make his little girl happy? Am I correct?

Because if I'm not,
I have a long list of other parents who want to.

Hey, no, no, no.
Listen, I'll be there at midnight with the cash.

I gotta get $500 fast.

I think I'm gonna wait in the car.

I ain't going in there by myself.
You're coming with me.

LARRY:
Hello?

Anybody here?

No, so can we just leave now, please?
I ain't leaving till I get what I come for.

I got a bad feeling
about this place, Larry.

Well, just figure it's like
a business transaction or something.

Business transaction?
Yeah.

Oh, sure.

A business transaction
in the middle of the night...

...in a creepy, deserted place where
nobody can hear our screams for help.

All right, enough. Knock it off.
You're freaking me out.

You're making me nervous.
I should've waited in the car. I told you.

MAN: I told you to come alone.
I got $500 in my pocket. That's a lot of money.

Whenever I leave the house with that
much, I bring a backup. Who are you?

You didn't follow my instructions.

Why are you talking like Batman?
Yeah, he does a bit.

The original or the ones that came later?
Ones that came later.

Which one?
Scott Baio.

He wasn't Batman.

He played that...
MAN: That's enough!

You don't recognize me?
Maybe I should give you a hint.

Merry Christmas, happy Holidays...

...happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa...

...and a very happy winter solstice.

That's the dude from the toy store.
MAN: Working in a toy store has its advantages.

Hey, it's me, Jeffrey.

Mild-mannered toy-store clerk by day,
purveyor of childhood fantasies by night.

For a price.

And since we all have our cards on the table,
I brought a little backup of my own.

CLAUDE:
Little backup?

Boy, he meant that literally, didn't he?
I knew elves were for real.

That's not an elf, brother.
That's the dude from Taxi.

Sebastian is a temporary coworker
at Toy Traders.

What are y'all doing down here
scalping Harrison Bears?

It's weird.
Doesn't make any sense.

Because I have big plans, Larry. Big plans.
And I'll tell you something for free.

They don't involve waiting five years...

...to become a junior assistant
associate manager at Toy Traders...

...nor do they involve dealing
with obnoxious parents like you...

...who yell at me when I can't magically
produce whatever toy their kids want.

Let's cut to the brass tacks.

You got the money?
Yeah, I got the money.

Do you got the item?
Yeah, we got the item.

All right.

HARRISON:
Hi, I'm Harrison. What's your name?

Oh, shut up.

HARRISON: Hi, Shut Up. Nice to meet you.
Ha-ha-ha.

I really hate these things.

Okay, let's see the cash.

There it is.
My associate will count it.

It's all there.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna find out if it's all there.

How's it look? Great.

HARRISON: Heh-heh.
Looks like your quest is over, Larry.

Oh, man.
This is finally gonna be over.

[SIREN WAILING]

COP 1:
Police! Everybody freeze!

I knew they were monitoring my phone.
Put your hands up.

Don't shoot.
My father's a veteran.

Sebastian, hide the evidence.
Hey, you ain't going anywhere with that bear.

Uh-oh.

[GROANING]

COP 2: Freeze.
JEFFREY: Ah!

Hi. Um...

There's gotta be a better way
to get your Christmas shopping done.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

I didn't steal those bears.

Just because I work at a toy store
doesn't mean those bears came from that store.

I'm sure the judge
will wanna hear all about that.

Thank you. We'll be in touch
in case we need you two as witnesses.

What are you gonna do with all them bears?
They're being impounded as evidence.

You think maybe I could get one
for my daughter for Christmas?

I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.
But you have so many. We just need one.

Yeah, I'll even buy one.

I'm sorry, sir.
They all have to be accounted for.

You two have a good night.
Happy holidays.

Yeah, and a merry Christmas to you too
and all that... All that other stuff.

Well, at least we got the money back.

Well, that's good.
Yeah.

If I tell you something,
you promise not to laugh at me?

Sure.

When that elf flipped me,
I pooped my pants a little.

MAGGIE: You guys going
to the tree lighting tonight? Looks fun.

I'm going. You going, Lar?

Hmm?

You know what, Claude?
I'm beginning to think you were right.

Really?

About what?

It's ridiculous to think
I could compete with Victor.

Oh, it's about time.
It is about time.

It's about time I realized
that Christmas is about giving...

...not who's taking credit for something.

And it's about spending time with my
daughter, not fighting with her stepdad.

That's the spirit.

I'm really glad to hear you say that, Larry.
Yeah. Yeah.

Tell you what.

What a better time than a tree lighting to show
a little peace and goodwill toward Victor?

I mean, you know, there's plenty of room
for both of us in Noel's life.

Besides...
MAGGIE: Hey, check this out.

Parents everywhere have been frustrated
this Christmas...

...by the fact that there are no more
Harrison Talking Bears on toy shelves.

How do you look your kid in the eye and tell him
Santa can't give him the one thing he wants?

She looks up at me and says,
"But, Mommy, it's the only thing I want."

It just breaks my heart.

But there is a new wrinkle
that has developed in this story.

According to various reports
and in the words of one manager...

...there were plenty of Harrison Talking Bears
in stock as recently as a few days ago.

But according to various witnesses
in toy stores...

...all the remaining Harrison Bears
were bought up...

...by the same unidentified white male
in large lots...

...perhaps to be sold on the black market
to desperate parents.

And so it would seem someone somewhere
is hoarding Harrison Talking Bears.

For Channel One News...
That is crazy.

Yeah. I mean, somebody would have
to have a whole lot of money...

...to buy every single bear in town.

And who do we know
that has a whole lot of money?

You don't think Victor
had something to do with this, do you?

Yeah, Claude, I do.

Claude, he knows. He knows.

He must have found out
what was in Noel's letter.

Man, I'm out of here.
I'll see you down at the tree lighting later.

Where are you going?

If Victor's been buying these bears,
I know where he's keeping them.

I'm gonna go there,
I'm gonna get me one of them bears.

When I get one, down goes Victor.

MAN: Good night, Betsy.
BETSY: See you at the ceremony.

[EXHALES]

LARRY:
Hey, you closing early?

Our company is sponsoring
the tree-lighting event this evening.

A lot of us are heading over there.

Hey, that's good.
Well, I got a package here for Victor Baxter.

Oh, thanks. I can sign for it.
You ain't gonna believe this.

A couple of women on their way in thought
I looked like Brad Pitt. You believe that?

Yeah, a little. Yeah.

Heh. All right. Hey, do me a favor.
Make sure this gets up to him fast, okay?

It says "urgent" right on there.
I'll take it up to him right away.

Good. And tell him it has something to do
with Operation Who's Your Daddy.

And I hate doing it to you.

You got a toilet in here? Poo.

Yeah.
Yes. It's just down the hall on the right.

You're a lifesaver. Ha, ha.
Merry Christmas to you.

Brad Pitt. Ha-ha-ha.
Brad Pitt.

VICTOR:
Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Baxter.
Yeah, I'm leaving now.

Yeah. I'll see you downtown
right next to the tree. Love you too.

Perfect timing. I was just
bringing this package up to you.

It just arrived. They said it was urgent.
VICTOR: Thanks.

And the delivery guy said it was
for something called, um...

...Operation Who's Your Daddy.

Really? Hm.
It must be from Welling.

I'll see you at the tree lighting.
I'm looking forward to your speech.

VICTOR:
Me too. Heh, heh.

[CHUCKLES]

That's right, Victor.

Take me right to Harrison.

["WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Ah. Oh.

CHORUS [SINGING]:
We wish you

Where is Victor Baxter?

And a happy new year

Oh, no, no, no.

To you and your kin

We wish you a merry

It's empty.
- That-S the point.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

A figgy pudding

Go, go!

No, no, do not touch that.
MAGGIE: Hey, this is so beautiful.

Where's Larry?
Last-minute Christmas shopping.

Did he find that bear?
We'll see.

Oh, hey, Sharon, Mike. Hi.

Now, this is what I call...
The Christmas spirit.

Indeed.
Indeed.

This is so beautiful.

And our family's putting on the event.
That's right, sweet pea. Heh, heh.

[BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

Is this supposed to be a joke?
Yeah, and you're the punch line.

Biscuits and gravy.

Larry, this is not what it looks like.

It looks like you've been buying
these Harrison Bears so I can't get one.

Okay, maybe it is what it looks like.

Well, that's the lowest of the low, Victor.
You know that? You're an idiot.

To get back at me, you're gonna make sure
Noel don't get the Christmas she most wants.

No, no, no. She's gonna get
a Harrison Talking Bear, all right.

Only it's coming from her new dad
instead of her old one.

It will be the first present she opens.
When she opens it up, know what she'll say?

"Thanks,
but I already got a Harrison Bear.

Dad gave it to me at the tree lighting."
You wouldn't dare.

The last couple of days, you'd be
surprised what I'd do for my daughter.

Is that a leak?
No, we don't have...

Hey, not so fast.
See you later.

Get off me. Ah!

VICTOR:
Get off me.

[BOTH GROAN]

Great. Now look what you've done.

I didn't do nothing.
I ain't gonna pay for a new handle.

No, you idiot. We're locked in.

What do you mean we're locked in?
I mean we're locked in.

Are you kidding me?

Hey! Ain't you got another door,
like another way out or something?

Afraid not. And no one's coming
back for two days.

You mean we're trapped in here for two days?
I'm gonna miss Christmas with my little girl?

And I'm gonna have to spend it
with you? Help!

Hello! Hey! Open sesame!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Help!

You're wasting your time.
It's locked from the outside.

[GRUNTING]

Nice job, genius.

What?

[SCREAMING]

HARRISON:
Hi, I 'm Harrison.

VICTOR [RECORDING]:
Leave a message.

Hi, Victor. Just wondering
where you are.

We're here at the tree-lighting ceremony.

I guess we'll just see you when you get here.
Okay. Bye.

Is Victor coming soon?

He's probably on his way right now.
Come on.

MARGO:
Excuse me.

Hi, are you Nate Welling, head of
security for Baxter Box Company?

Yes.
Would you like to comment...

...on the sudden shortage
of Harrison Talking Bears...

...in toy stores all over town?

I was not aware of that.

You were not aware
that a man has been going around...

...and buying up all
the Harrison Talking Bears in bulk...

...thereby creating a shortage
just before Christmas?

WELLING:
Well, I know about it now.

It seems that every bear
has been bought and paid for...

...by a Baxter Box Company credit card.

And all the bears
have been signed and paid for...

...by someone named N. Welling.

That would be you, wouldn't it?
Not necessarily.

Oh, so there is more than one N. Welling
working at Baxter Box Company?

Why would I buy up Harrison Talking Bears?
I don't even have kids. Heh.

How about Victor Baxter,
the president of Baxter Box Company?

Would he have something to do with this?
No, absolutely not.

Oh, so this is something
that you are doing on your own.

You greedy jerk.

My little girl wanted one of those
bears more than anything else.

You ruined her Christmas.

[CROWD GRUMBLING]

No comment.

I mean...
WOMAN 1: How dare you?

Shame on you.
I wasn't trying to ruin anyone's Christmas.

[CROWD GRUMBLING]

Well, then what were you trying
to do, then, Mr. Welling?

WOMAN 2: What's the deal here?
Yeah, what's going on?

What is the meaning of this?
We want the truth.

We want the truth.

ALL [CHANTING]:
We want the truth! We want the truth!

It wasn't me.
It was Victor Baxter.

[ALL GASP]

He made me buy up all the bears. I was
just doing what my employer told me to.

WOMAN 3: How dare you?
80 Victor Baxter is responsible for this.

Yes.
You big meanie.

WOMAN 4: Shame on you.
Hey!

[ALL CLAMORING]

[WELLING GRUNTING]

HARRISON 1: Hey.
I'm about to teach you a little humility.

HARRISON 2:
Harrison loves exercise.

Let's play.
Yeah, well...

HARRISON 3: Hey, that's...
Humility this.

HARRISON 4:
Will you be my friend? I love you.

[IMITATING BRUCE LEE]

What the heck was that?
I'm warning you.

I've watched The Matrix 37 times.

HARRISON 5: Let's play.
Well, you need to get out of the house more.

Hua-hua!
Let's bear-knuckle it, boys.

Hua-hua-hua!
That's it.

Come on, son.

Come on.

Hit him with the southpaw.
That's a good one. Right there.

Time-out. Time-out. Time-out.
HARRISON 6: That tickles.

[HARRISON 6 LAUGHS]

You know you started this whole thing,
you know.

Talking about what we're gonna do
for Christmas in front of Noel.

I admit that was a mistake.

It's my first Christmas with Noel,
and I wanted it to go well.

Besides, I've never been a dad before.
You're a stepdad.

And there it is right there!

What? Where? What?
"What? Where? What?"

The way you just said "stepdad."
Like it was some kind of lower form of life.

[SIGHS]

You know, it is not easy competing
with Mr. Perfect-Dad, you know.

Perfect-Dad? Ha-ha.
Are you kidding me?

By avoiding any semblance
of responsibility...

...you're always happy and relaxed.

And since you work as little
as possible...

...you're always free to take her places
and do things with her.

Ha-ha. So that's it. So since you think
I'm a failure, I'm a winner in Noel's eyes.

Let me tell you something...

...Mr. I-Paid-$40,000-to-Get-All-These
Harrison-Bears-So-l-Couldn't-Get-One.

I pay all my taxes.
I don't owe a cent to anybody.

I ain't never took a handout,
and I take care of my support for Noel.

And I ain't gotta apologize to anybody
for nothing, especially you!

Okay, fair enough.

Well, try explaining that
to a little 8-year-old girl...

...whose stepdad lives in a mansion
and has a chef...

...and can buy her anything he wants
anytime she wants it.

Okay, I see.
So the problem is I'm too successful.

Well, let me tell you something, bub. Like you,
I have never taken anything from anybody.

I work hard for what I have.

Victor, I'm not begrudging your success,
okay? I'm very happy for you.

It ain't about that, all right?

It's about Noel.

It's about me trying to compete
with you. I can't do it.

I'm not sure
I'm ever gonna learn to like you, okay?

Or me you.
But because of Noel...

...I'm stuck with you,
and you're stuck with me.

So we gotta figure out a way
to get along, okay?

Okay. Agreed. That doesn't change
the fact that we're still stuck in here.

We need to find some way to get out...

...or Noel ain't gonna have any one
of her dads there for Christmas.

Cell phones.

Come on. Here we go.

I got no reception.
Me either. Metal building.

[GROANS]

Hey. That's a good one. I haven't seen that one.
Heh-heh. You like it?

VICTOR: Look at that.
Ha! Look at that.

Look at that umbrella she got.
Heh-heh.

I'll tell you what, that's from us
at the fair.

Well, we gotta get out of here.
Yes, we do.

If I got out of high school,
I can get out of this place.

This time it ain't gonna take
six years.

I'm just kidding, Vic. Five.
Wow.

Ho-ho!

Yeah. Christmas is back on, baby!

Well done, Larry.
Okay, here's the plan.

What I'll do then is I'll just head
by the Christmas-tree lighting...

...and I'll pick up Noel
for Christmas number one.

Then Trish and I will come by tomorrow
to pick her up for Christmas number two.

Yeah, I guess that'll work.

Why don't we do Christmas together?
Together.

I was just gonna say that.
I was thinking the same thing.

Come by my house. I'm an unbelievable
cook. I got... I make good turkey.

Awesome.
All right.

Let's call Trish.

ALL [CHANTING]: Down with Baxter Boxes!
Down with Baxter Boxes!

Down with Baxter Boxes!

Victor, where have you been?

It's a long story.

Well, Larry's missing too.
He never came to pick up Noel.

Oh, hi, Trish. I'm here too,
which is another long story.

Yeah, we were just coming
to meet you.

Well, you better not come down, Victor.
It's gotten completely out of control.

What are you talking about?

Somehow everyone's gotten the idea
that you bought up all the Harrison Bears...

...so that no one else could have one.

Is that true?

In a manner of speaking,
it's another long story.

I'll explain it all later.

Well, they're calling you Ebenezer Baxter
and Victor the Grinch.

You just shouldn't even show
your face down here, Victor.

It's not safe.

All right. Thanks for the heads-up.
Bye, hon.

Whew.

Come on, honey.
Why is everybody so mad at Victor?

It's, uh... It's complicated. Heh.

VICTOR: The Baxter name has been one
of the most respected in town for 70 years...

...and in one night, I destroy it.

Hold on, Victor.

Even though you deserve everything
you got coming to you...

...I feel sorry for you, okay?

Thank you. But, Larry, everyone hates me.
Everybody doesn't hate you.

Trish likes you.

Well, she's married to me.
She has to like me.

Well, Noel likes you.

Really?
Yeah.

Gotta say, I think she loves you.

And I'll be honest. I'm kind of starting
to not dislike like you myself.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah.

I guess I should head home
and barricade the doors for the angry mob.

Hey, wait a second.

We're going to
that Christmas-tree lighting.

Whoa. Are you crazy?
Did you hear what she said?

They'll kill me. I can't go back there.
I got an idea.

If it works, you're gonna go from town goat
to town hero in about 10 minutes.

And if you're wrong?

I'll be one of your pallbearers.

[SIGHS]

Dead man walking.

ALL [CHANTING]: Down with Baxter Boxes!
Down with Baxter Boxes!

Down with Baxter Boxes!
Down with Baxter Boxes!

[HORN HONKING]

Hey. Hey, there's the Baxter Box truck.

[CROWD BOOING]

[ALL JEERING]

LARRY: Victor, are you ready?
I don't know about this.

It's gonna take a miracle for this to work.
It's Christmas. It's a time for miracles.

Just have a little faith, buddy.
Well, you know, I just...

Can I have your attention, please?
Can I have your attention...?

Can I have your attention, please?

What's Daddy doing?

I don't know what he's doing,
sweetheart.

Come on, stop. Would you knock it off?
I'm trying to say something.

I'm trying to speak!

[ALL JEERING]

[MAGGIE WHISTLES]

Everybody, please, just zip it.

Let the man speak! Ha.

Please.
Thank you.

Apparently, a lot of y'all here this evening
have been given some inaccurate information...

...about Victor Baxter and Baxter Boxes.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Hold on! Let me speak!

I'm here to tell you you got it
all wrong about Victor Baxter.

He's not here to ruin Christmas.
He's here to make it better.

No! Listen! Just hold on! Pfft!

Cool it! This whole thing was a surprise
by the Baxter Box Company...

...and it has been planned for a long time,
and it fooled even me.

Let me show you what I mean.
Everybody, follow me.

Please. Follow me, please.

Stand back. Follow me.
MAN 1: Seriously, no more lying...

Hold on.
Ladies and gentlemen...

...compliments of Victor Baxter
and the Baxter Box Company...

...merry Christmas.

[ALL GASPING]

Look at it, Mommy.

So many bears.
The bears!

Victor, say your line.

What line? Huh?
Your line.

Oh. Ho-ho-ho. Ho.

Merry Christmas
from Baxter Box Company.

Um, I have free Harrison Bears
for everybody who wants one.

[ALL CHEERING]

WOMAN 2:
It's a miracle.

Yeah?

VICTOR:
Merry Christmas.

There you are.
Merry Christmas.

Yeah? Hey, Lar.

I owe you one.
Darn right you do.

Don't think I'm gonna let you forget
about it later.

[VICTOR CHUCKLES]

WOMAN 3: Thank you. Thank you so much.
HARRISON: Happy holidays.

Thank you, Santa.
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everybody
from Baxter Boxes! Ha-ha-ha.

Ho-ho-ho.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ERIC VASQUEZ'S "DOWNTOWN CHRISTMAS"
PLAYING]

MAN [SINGING]: Downtown Christmas
Baby, take a ride with me

Yes, on a cold Christmas night
Downtown is where I wanna be

NOEL: Can I open my present now, please?
LARRY: Yeah.

VICTOR: This one is from me.
And me.

Okay, it's from both of you.

Right, guys?
That's right. It was my idea, though.

[GASPING]

What is it? Ah.

Hey!

Huh?

TRISH: Honey?
Thanks.

Honey, that's a Harrison.
The Talking Bear.

NOEL: Yeah, I know.
Like, you handed them out at the tree lighting.

But wasn't Harrison what you
asked for in your letter to Santa?

Dad, you said you wouldn't show anyone
my letter except Santa.

Yeah... Uh... Uh...

Santa Claus dropped it the other night,
and Victor come along and picked it up.

I did. I did. I found it.
And then I gave it back to Larry.

Yeah, you sure did...

...and I got the letter in here. Hold on.
Look what you said here.

"Dear Santa: For Christmas
I want my family to get a Harrison.

Love, Noel."

No, Dad. What it says is:

"Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas
is my family together as one.

Love, me."

VICTOR: Huh.
LARRY: Uh-huh.

I get it.

VICTOR:
Me too.

"Together as...

...one."

Boy, we're a couple of doofuses,
you know that?

[VICTOR AND LARRY LAUGH]

And look, Santa gave me
exactly what I asked for.

My family together as one.

Sweetheart.

That's so beautiful.

[BELL RINGS]

Here we go.
Hey. Who's hungry?

I am.
Don't worry. I'll have it carved up in no time.

No, look, it's my house.
Let me carve that turkey.

Larry, the turkey is traditionally carved
by the paterfamilias.

There's a 7-year-old over there.
Watch your language.

I'll carve the turkey.
NOEL: I have an idea.

Why don't you both carve the turkey,
since you're both my dads?

Well, I'm here now, sweetheart.

Uh-oh.

[GROANS]

Oh.

Well, who likes it extra crispy?

Why don't we, uh, go out for dinner?

That sounds like a good idea.
Sounds good to me.

See? Now you two can finally agree
on something.

Why don't we do sushi?
We'll get Mexican.

Italian. Chinese.
Persian. Mediterranean?

LARRY: Sloppyjoe.
VICTOR: Korean. French?

TRISH: You guys.
LARRY: Ribs.

VICTOR:
Vegan. How about fondue?

You don't know what fondue is?
LARRY: Huh?

VICTOR:
Oh, Larry.

[TOBY RAND'S "JINGELIN" PLAYING]

MAN [SINGING]:
Jingle bells are here to stay

Hey, hey, life's a sleigh
I'm just along for the ride

When things get bumpy
I take it all in stride

And I know sometimes life can zig
When you want to zag

So hang on to that steering wheel
Don't let your spirit sag

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Jingle, jingle all the way

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Jingle, jingle are here to stay

You can handle anything
Let me tell you, here's the trick

Take the good with the bad
Just don't let the bad stuff stick

You can only go around once
Don't worry what folks say

Seize every moment
Keep jingling all the way

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Jingle, jingle all the way

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Jingle bells are here to stay

Yeah, I'm here to stay

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Jingle, jingle all the way

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

No matter what may come each day

Whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Just keep on jingling all the way