Jingle All the Way (1996) - full transcript

Look! It's Turbo Man and Booster!

Kill them both!

Turbo discs, anyone?

- Stop him!
- Go, go, Demon Team!

- No! Help, Turbo Man! Help!
- I'm coming, Billy!

Ta-ta, Turbo Man.

Five seconds to ignition.

It's turbo time!

Got you.

You haven't seen
the last of me, Turbo Man!

I'll have my revenge!



Here you go, Mr. President.

Mom, Dad, Booster.

- Thank you, Turbo Man.
- You can always count on me.

Hey, Jamie, why don't you go upstairs and
change, hon? It's almost time to leave.

But Dad's not home yet.

Now he's probably gonna
miss me get my belt.

He misses everything.

Well, he's not gonna miss this.
He's probably just working really hard.

♪♪

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

♪ Mistletoe hung
where you can see ♪

♪ Every couple tries to stop ♪

♪ Rockin' around
the Christmas tree ♪



♪ Have a happy holiday ♪

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

Hello, Mr. Jacobs.

Oh, yes, we've been busy,
but, you know, I like that.

I'm gonna make it.
I hear you.

Yes. So what
can I do for you?

200 king-sized by next Friday?

No problem whatsoever,
but only for you, Mr. Jacobs...

because you're
our number one customer.

Andrea, hi.

Well, if you think the fabric is too dark,
then we'll just recover it.

And no extra charge

- Well, what do you expect?
- You're my number one customer.

Don't you forget.
You're my number one customer.

You're my number one customer.

Liz. Hi, honey. How are you?

Howard, where are you?

I know— Jamie's karate class.

Don't worry.
I'll meet you there. I promise.

And don't forget,
you're my number one customer.

Liz! I— Look, I didn't mean that...

Liz?

I gotta get out of here.

I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.

He's not gonna make it.

What the...

Johnny!

- The kids look great, don't they?
- Yeah, they do.

Ted, I baked you some cookies...

- You know, to thank you for fixing my screen door.
- Yes, sir!

Well, thanks, Judy.

- One!
- One!

Ted, I was wondering
if you’d mind...

taking a look at my porch light.

It just doesn't
seem to be working...

and you being such a handyman...

Sure. I've got just
the tool for the job.

I'm gonna make it.

Damn it.

- Hai!
- Two!

- Hai!
- Three!

- Four!
- Hai!

License and registration,
please.

Look, sir,
I'm in kind of a hurry.

I'm really late for
my son's karate class.

Oh, I do apologize
if I've caused you some sort of delay.

How thoughtless of me.

Because the last thing that I want
on my conscience right now...

is for a private citizen to
somehow be disappointed...

in the performance of my duty.

Look, I was not criticizing you, Officer.
It’s just that-

Step out of the vehicle.

That's my boy!

There. Are we finished now?

Recite the alphabet.

"A," "B," "C"...

Backwards.

Way to go, Jamie!

I didn't make it.

Hey, neighbor!

Ted? What the hell are
you doing on my roof?

What's Ted doing on your roof? Ta-da!

I had some extra lights
in the garage...

and since you didn't put up any yourself,
I thought, what the heck?

Why not spread a little Christmas cheer
around the neighborhood?

Aw, gee, Ted, how thoughtful.

Hey, sorry you missed
the karate class today.

But don't worry.
I got it all on video for you.

What would I do without you?

Did you tell Ted that he could
put lights up on our house?

Howard, do you have
any idea what time it is?

I know. You should have seen the traffic, and
on top of that, I got a speeding ticket.

Don't explain it to me.
It wasn't my karate class you missed.

We'll be back right after these messages

- Hi, buddy.
- It's turbo time!

Now it's your chance to save
the universe with Turbo Man!

Battle evil with America's
favorite superhero...

and his sidekick Booster.

Jamie, about
that karate class tonight...

I was trying to—Jamie.

Jamie, stop!

Listen.
It was not my fault.

Jamie, don't walk away
from your father.

Jamie.

Can I come in?

So, champ...

are those hands registered weapons yet?

Oh, is this it?

Wow! This is really cool.

How do you do this?

Like this?

No. I know. Like this.

What do you think, Jamie?
How about this?

Ya!

I've done something
really stupid today, huh?

- I don't care.
- Oh, come on, Jamie.

I hope this is not true, because I really
wanted to be there.

Look, believe me, I...

But you always say that,
and you never come anyways.

Purple was important to me, Dad.

That's one away from green
and three away from black.

- But I saw you get yellow.
- But you missed blue.

You're right.
I really blew it.

I'm really, really sorry.

You think you can let me
make it up to you?

Like how?

Well, like letting me
do something special... just for you.

Like, if there’s something
really important...

you've been wanting
for Christmas, hmm?

Ah, don't worry.
I got it covered. I wrote Santa.

Ah. But Santa gets very busy
this time of the year.

Sometimes he even has to ask moms
and dads to help out a little bit.

Nah. It's not that important.

Tell me.
What do you want?

I want the Turbo Man action figure
with the arms and legs that move...

and the boomerang shooter
and the rock-and-roar jet pack...

and the realistic voice activator
that says five different phrases...

including, "It's turbo time!"

Accessories sold separately.
Batteries not included.

Well, I'm glad you had to stop
and think about it.

Johnny's gonna get one,
and so is everybody else I know.

Whoever doesn't is
gonna be a real loser.

Well, that definitely won't be you.

Thanks, Dad.
I love you.

I love you too, Jamie.
I love you!

Whoa!

Liz, you should have seen us in there

I mean, we were really bonding
We were drawing.

We were laughing, having a great time,
talking about that Turbo guy.

Turbo Man. Which reminds me—
You got the doll, right?

The doll?

Yeah.
That Turbo Man doll.

I asked you to
pick one up two weeks ago.

Oh.

That doll.
Of course.

Howard, you didn't. Please tell me
that you did not forget that doll.

No, no. I-I— I got it.

I— I got the Turbo Man doll, the one that
has those things that shoot out in front...

with that rock 'em
sock 'em jet pack...

and with that realistic voice box
that says, "It's turbo time."

- I got it.
- Oh, good.

There you are. I mean,
you thought for a minute...

that I would not do something
that you tell me?

I got it right away.

Good.
Because at this point...

they'd probably be
impossible to find.

KQRS, Minneapolis

We'll do the rocking
while you fill the stocking.

♪♪

Wait. Whoa.
Where you going?

I just have to run
to the office quickly. That's it.

Howard, it's Christmas eve.

You can't be going
to the office.

I have to pick up the D-O-L-L.

I left it there by mistake

Oh. Okay.

- All right.
- Bye.

Dad, you can't go to work today.
What about the parade?

- The parade?
- The Holiday Wintertainment Parade.
We go every year.

- Oh.
- Well, you didn't go last year or the year before.

But Mom and I always go. Anyway,
this year Turbo Man's gonna be there

- Yeah. Turbo Man.
- Turbo Man. Yes! It's turbo time.

Dad, you can't miss it.
It's gonna be really cool.

I won't miss it.

I'll be there.
I promise.

Whoa!

Whoa!

- Sorry about that, Howie.
- What's that— a reindeer?

A little Christmas surprise for Johnny.

You just think of everything,
don't you, Ted?

Howard, I'm of the mind-set
you can never do too much...

to make a child's Christmas magical.

So what happens to
Blitzen after Christmas?

I've been watching a family of deer
down by Lake Minnetonka.

I thought I'd take him
down there and set him free

If nature's kind, they'll take him
in like he's one of their own.

How touching.

Hey, buddy. How are you?

- Hey!
- Whoa! That's odd.

Reindeer are usually
such gentle animals.

There must be something about you
he doesn't like— aftershave or something.

Yeah.
All right. Got to go.

Where you off to so early?

Picking up a Christmas present
for Jamie.

Whoa! Nothing like waiting till
the last minute, Howitzer.

- So, what'd you get him?
- One of those Turbo Mans.

Oh. That's great.

I got a Turbo Man
for Johnny months ago.

It's nestled safely under our tree.

Good.

Howard, by the way,
they say it may get icy later.

You might want to wrap some chains
around those tires.

Maybe I should wrap
some chains around you.

What?

Come on.

♪ Just hear those sleigh
bells ring-a-ling ♪

♪ And ding ding
a-ling-a-linging too ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ Outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling yoo-hoo ♪

Hey, what are you doing?

What time you opening up?

Come on. It's freezing out here.
There's a hundred people...

Because of two minutes?
Because of two minutes you're not...

Hey. Give the man a break.
He's a dad trying to get a toy.

Go ahead. Have cuts, man.
Last-minute shopping, huh?

- Yeah.
- Enough to drive a man insane, ain't it?

Myron Larabee.

Howard Langston.

See, I have to shop late because
it's the busiest time of year for me.

All these important Christmas letters
that people send to folks...

they don't even talk to
but once a year...

not to mention relatives sending presents
they're going to have to send back anyway.

How many toiletry kits
does a man need?

And how about those little, stupid letters
from kids to Santa at the North Pole?

"Dear Santa,
could you send me a bike and a Slinky?"

No! Your father's been laid off!

And as if I didn't have
enough pressure in my life..

My son sends me out
for some goofy-butt toy...

some fruity robot
named Turtle Man.

That's Turbo Man.
My son wants one too.

You know it's all a ploy,
don't you?

- A ploy?
- Man, where have you been?

Don't you watch TV? We are being
set up by rich and powerful toy cartels.

Oh, come on.

You got these big fat cats sit there using
working class just like me and you.

They spend billions of dollars
on TV advertisement...

and then they sit there and use subliminal
messages to suck your children's minds out!

I know what I'm talking about because
I went to junior college for a semester..

And I studied psychology,
so I'm right in there.

I know what's going on. Then they sit there
and make a kid feel like garbage...

because you, the father,
who's working 24-7...

delivering mail so you can make
an alimony payment...

to a woman that slept with everybody
at the post office but me...

and then when you get the toy, it breaks, and
you can't fix it because it's cheap plastic!

Know what I'd like to do?
I'd like to walk up in that office...

grab one of those guys and just choke him,
choke him until an eye pops out!

What's the matter with you?

You shouldn't wear fur.

Back off. I'm first.

Turbo Man, you're mine!

- Move it, move it, move it!
- Whoa!

Get out my way!
Get out my way!

Booster?
Who wants Booster?

The Turbo Man dolls,
they're all gone!

- There's got to be another one here somewhere.
- There are none here!

- Excuse me. I'm trying to find a Turbo Man doll.
- Yes?

- Me too.
- Do you have any more in the back?

- What?
- What's he laughing about?

- What did I say?
- These guys are looking for Turbo Man.

A Turbo Man doll, yes.

They're looking for Turbo Man.

Hey, everybody.
These two are looking for a Turbo Man

Shut up, man.

Now what's so funny?

Where have you guys been?

Turbo Man's only the hottest selling
Christmas toy ever. Duh!

But you know what? We got plenty of Turbo
Man's faithful saber-tooth tiger Booster.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

That's better.

Now, there must be a Turbo Man
around here somewhere.

Uh, duh— The last one just left.

- Um, some lady had it on layaway.
- A lady? What lady?

- Uh, uh, sh-short, uh, with a fur coat.
- Fur coat.

Sorry, buddy.

- Give me this.
- Hey!

This is war.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Cool.

- Oh, poor baby.
- Turbo Man.

Ah!

- Excuse me, lady.
- What! What do you want?

I'm not a robber. I followed you
all the way from the store.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, really.

- There's something I wanted to ask you.
- Would you like my phone number?

Oh, no. I mean, no.
It's, uh, I would like your bag.

- My bag?
- Yes. I'll offer you twice what you paid for it.

- Twice?
- Okay, three times.

- Three times.
- Oh, I get it.

Oh, sure. What the heck. For that
kind of profit, knock yourself out.

- Oh, thank you.
- And just in case.

Here's my phone number.

Ah.

Booster?

I don't want Booster.

Turbo Man. Hey, lady!

Hey, hold it. Wait!

Wait, lady!
I need that Turbo Man!

Wait!

Come on!

♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

♪ Jack Frost
nipping at your nose ♪

♪ Yuletide carols
being sung by a choir ♪

♪ And folks dressed up
like Eskimos ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ A turkey
and some mistletoe ♪

♪ Help to make
the season bright ♪

♪ Tiny tots with their eyes
all aglow ♪

♪ Will find it hard
to sleep tonight ♪

♪ And so I'm offering ♪

♪ This simple phrase ♪

♪ To kids from one to 92 ♪

♪ Although it's been said ♪

♪ Many times, many ways ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ To you ♪♪

- I'm Turbo Man.
- No, I am. You're always Turbo Man.

Hey, hey, hey.
Cut it out.

- Hi, Liz.
- Oh, hi, Ted.

Look at you.

It's Christmas eve,
and you're slaving over a hot stove.

- Is this the mom of the year or what?
- It's no big deal.

And modest too.

Liz, looks like you could
use a little you time.

Why don't you go upstairs,
take a shower?

I'll keep an eye on the boys,
finish up with the cookies.

- Oh, no—
- Da-da-da. Go on.

- You deserve it.
- Uh...

Oh. Well, o-okay,
but listen for the oven timer-

I know. Sugar cookies.

- Bake 12-15 minutes till golden brown.
- Yeah.

Ted's got everything
under control.

Oh!

Pipe down in there!

Merry Christmas. Langston residence.

Hi, I— Ted?

Howard! Hey, buddy.
How's it going out there?

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, fine. Ted, I need to speak to Liz.

Could you get...

Howard, excuse me, but your wife's cookies
are out of this world.

What— Who told you
you could eat my cookies?

I'm just helping Liz out a little in the
kitchen. She's baking up a storm here.

Ted, I need to
speak to my wife...

so could you get her
on the phone, please?

I think she's in the shower.
Do you want me to go check?

No!

I mean, no, that's fine.

On your way out, just tell her
I will be a few minutes late...

but she shouldn't worry.

Oh, she won't worry.
I mean, I'm here, and...

Mmm! Oh, these cookies!
I got to get the recipe from Liz.

Put that cookie down!
Now!

Howard, is there
something bothering you?

Because this time of year, there's a very
high incidence of stress-related breakdown.

Oops! There's the next batch.
Gotta go, Howard.

- I'll give Liz your message though. Bye-bye.
- Yeah, but...

Hey, hey, hey, look who it is!

- Still on the hunt, huh?
- Yeah.

Hey, sorry about whacking you
at the toy store.

I got caught up in the friendly spirit
of competition.

That's all right.
Don't worry.

But I was thinkin',
you'd have done the same thing.

That's when I realized—you and I,
we're the same kind of person.

I sort of doubt that.

I was thinking
about that brouhaha at the toy store...

I was thinking we could
join up as a team...

like Starsky and Hutch,
like Jonny Quest and Hadji, man...

like Bonnie and Clyde
like Ike and Tina...

Not Ike and Tina, because she left,
but we could do it!

Search and destroy. Divide and conquer.
Me and you. What do you say?

Thanks, Myron,
but, no, thank you.

Come on, man.
Let's do it. Let's be a team!

Gee, Myron, I think
you're a good guy and all...

but this I would
like to do by myself.

You understand, right?

Oh, yeah, I understand you, man.

I understand plenty.
I know what's going on here.

Mr. Wear Your Little Fancy Cashmere Coat
And Your Nice Little Suede Shoes.

I was good enough to talk to in line,
but I'm not good enough to be on your team!

See, that's racism! That's what
Jesse Jackson was talking about.

Good news! They got a late delivery
of Turbo Man at Toy Works! Let's go!

- Turbo Man!
- Turbo Man!

Whoa! Whoo, whoo.

Piece of junk!

Oh.

Oh!

Officer.

You broke my little mirror.

License and registration, please.

Whoo! Is there a problem, Officer?

♪ Well, it's Christmastime again ♪

♪ Decorations are all hung
by the fire ♪

♪ Everybody's singing ♪

Listen up, people

To answer your first question—
Yes, the rumors are true.

We have received a small quantity
of the action figure known as Turbo Man

Yes!

I am not going to ask you people to
be quiet again! Do you hear me?

Here's how things
are gonna work.

You will form an orderly line so that an
employee can hand you a numbered ball.

These balls will then be drawn in a standard
lottery fashion to see who gets a doll.

If you’re not
one of the lucky few..

We have plenty of Turbo Man's
faithful pet tiger Booster in stock.

We don't want it!
We don't want it!

And by the way, in accordance
with the laws of supply and demand..

The new list price
on each figure just doubled.

What? That's against the law, buddy!

Hey, give me a ball!

♪ It's the most wonderful
time of the year ♪

♪ With the kids jingle-belling ♪

- ♪ And everyone telling you
be of good cheer ♪ - Whoa!

♪ It's the most
wonderful time ♪

Give me that ball!

♪ Of the year ♪

I got it! I got it!

- He maced me!
- I got it! I got it!

I got it! I got it! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

He got two!
He got two!

- Get the mailman!
- What? No!

- Get him!
- He's lying. He's lying.

That's my ball!
Rodney King. Rodney King.

Ah.

Hey!

Hey!

This is my ball!
Yeah. Stay.

Hi, little girl

Look what
I've got for you— a shiny red ball.

Do you want to trade?

No, no!
Just give me the ball. I got it. Ow!

- Sicko! Pervert!
- Ow!

- Get your hands off my kid!
- I need the ball. I need that toy!

Stop! Stop hitting me! I'm innocent!

No!

Get out of here!
You wacko!

I need that ball.

- Pervert!
- I'm not a pervert.

I just was looking
for a Turbo Man doll.

Hey. Psst.
Buddy, come here. Come here.

You want a Turbo Man for Christmas?

Forget it.
I'm not gonna sit on your lap.

Hey, chief, that's not my bag. Get it?

But, you know, little boy
with your attitude...

I don't think
I want to give you access to this.

Tony, show him.

That was taken this morning.

How do I know this is not
some kind of a scam?

Forget it, Tony.
This guy doesn't want our help.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, guys.
- Merry Christmas.

We're all businessmen. I'm sure we can
work out some sort of an agreement.

- You got the cash, we got the doll.
- How much?

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas Ho, ho, ho!

A merry Christmas to you, Officer.
What are you, crazy?

Santa never delivers a gift out
in broad daylight.

Excuse me. I may be wrong,
but you are not the real Santa Claus.

Really?

And you're not the kind of guy
who's got enough foresight...

to get his kid a Turbo Man
before Christmas eve, are you?

Hey, show a little respect
for the suit, huh?

- Yeah.
- Now, you want that doll or not?

- ♪ So, you know when
Christmas rolls around ♪
- Come on, buddy.

We've been driving around
now for 20 minutes. How much longer?

- Name isn't Buddy. It's Santa.
- Fine, Santa.

- Thank you.
- But it's getting late.

I've got a parade to go to...

and I've yet to see a sign
of that supposed Turbo Man doll.

Meanwhile, all this time, my "in touch
with his feminine side" neighbor...

He's busy attacking
my wife's cookies, all right!

Hey, spare me the details
of your twisted life, pal. Okay?

Hey, yo, is this genuine leather?

- Don't touch anything back there.
- Hey!

That's Santa's helper!

You wanna see the doll,
don't you?

Up here.

Oh, I love this time of year.

Christmas carols,
snowflakes, Santa Clauses.

- Now what?
- What are you, Dan Rather?
What is this, 60 Minutes?

What are you,
the question king, huh? Chill.

All right. Keep your hands
where I can see 'em.

Password.

Jingle bells, Batman smells.

♪ They call me back door Santa ♪

♪ I make my runs
about the break of day ♪

♪ They call me
back door Santa ♪

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, no. You have no idea.

Tony, get the man his Turbo Man.

Got it.

I gotta tell you, Santa...

there is something here
that doesn't seem quite, uh, kosher?

- Kosher?
- Yeah.

This coming from a guy who assaulted
a toddler for a SuperBall?

Listen, bub,
we provide a service here.

We're not doing this for us.
We're doing this for the kids.

- For the kids?
- For every kid who ever sat down on Santa's lap...

for every little girl who left cookies
and milk for Santa on Christmas night...

for every little boy who opens
a present Christmas morning...

and finds clothes instead of toys.

- Aw.
- Have you ever heard that song...

"The Little Boy
That Santa Claus Forgot"?

No. I can't say that I have.

♪ He's the little boy ♪

♪ That Santa Claus forgot ♪

♪ And goodness knows
he didn't want a lot ♪

♪♪

♪ He sent a note to Santa
for some soldiers and a drum ♪

♪ It broke his little heart
to find that Santa hadn't come ♪

- ♪ In the street he envies all those
lucky boys ♪ - That's beautiful...

♪ Then wanders home
to last year's broken toys ♪

Please...

♪ I'm so sorry for that laddie ♪

♪ He hasn't got a daddy ♪

♪ The little boy ♪

♪ That Santa Claus ♪

♪ Forgot ♪

♪ He forgot ♪♪

Very moving.

There it is.

Ah! That will be 300.

Dollars?

No. Chocolate kisses.
Yes, dollars!

I can't believe this. Whatever happened
to your lofty ideals, huh?

I thought you were doing
all this for the kids.

Sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up
a little loose change in the process.

Take it. Count it.

Put it in the safe this time.

Don't open that up!
No, no, no.

ICes el tiempo
del hombre de turbo!

Oh, well, that's the multilingual version.

It's fun and educational.

I wouldn't...

Uh, well, of course,
there's some assembly required

- Let me get that for you.
- Just put it back in the box and just go...

- Here. Give me the money back.
- Ah-ah-ah. Whoa!

All sales are final.

You know what you guys are?

Nothing but a bunch
of sleazy con men in red suits.

What did you call us?

You heard me right—
Con men, thieves...

degenerates, lowlifes,
thugs, criminals!

In the North Pole, them are
fighting words, partner. Put 'em up.

Relax, buddy.
I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus.

Come on. Come on.
What are you, chicken? Chick, chick, chick.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick!

Get him.

Shut up.

Yeah!

I'm gonna deck your halls, bub.

Oh, man.

Oh!

No!

Little buddy.

You naughty boy!

- Get him! Get him!
- Who's gonna be next?

Dog pile! Yeah!

It's the Grinch! Scatter!

Hey! Hey, who are you? Huh?

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

This must be the sloppiest bust I've ever
seen in my entire career on the force.

Detective Howard Lang—
Undercover.

I have been working on this case
for the last three years...

and you guys come barging in here...

like a bunch of terrorists
at a tea party.

Wait till the commissioner
finds out about this.

He is going to hit the roof.

- Now get your act together
and arrest someone. Go!
- Yes, sir.

I'm not going back to the joint,
do you hear?

All right, put them
in a van and lock 'em up.

Come on!

Come on! Not now!

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪

♪ You can plan ♪

♪ On me ♪

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪

You're so considerate, bringing
all this holiday cheer to the neighborhood.

Christmas comes but once a year.

You're an amazing man, Ted.

I wish every husband
were more like you.

Thanks.
We should get together and swap recipes

- What's the reindeer's name?
- I named him Ted after my dad.

Your dad is so cool.
I wish my dad did stuff like this.

Oh, he never used to,
not till he and my mom split up.

- Really?
- Hey! Maybe your parents should get a divorce.

Did wonders for my dad

Jamie!

Hot chocolate?

- Hello?
- Jamie, how are you doing, old buddy?

Hi, Dad!
I knew you'd call!

Hey, listen,
let me talk to your mother.

- You can't.
- Why not?

She's next door petting Ted.

- She's what?
- Listen, Dad, are you on your way?

The parade's gonna start soon.

Jamie, get your mother, please.

- Well, are you?
- Am I what?

- Coming home soon.
- Yes, immediately! Now please get your mother!

'Cause, Dad, before you left...

you promised that you were
gonna be at the parade.

You haven't been here all day,
so you can't miss it.

Jamie, please.

'Cause, Dad, when someone makes
a promise, they definitely should keep it.

You know, it's like
what Turbo Man says:

"Always keep your promises
if you want to keep your friends."

Enough! Enough of
this Turbo Man, okay?

I had it up to here
with this Turbo Man!

If there’s anyone I don't want to have
advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!

Now get your mother!

I'm sorry, Jamie.
Look, I didn't mean...

What would you know about keeping your
promises? You never keep your promises!

You never do anything
you say you're gonna do!

Ever!

Damn you, Howard.

Here you go, my man.
This will warm you up.

- Thanks.
- Cheers

You?

Peace!
'Tis the season to be jolly.

Yeah.

Any luck in finding that doll?

- No.
- Me neither.

Maybe this will help.

Oh, yeah.

So I couldn't find
the kid a doll.

- Does that make me a bad father? No.
- Nah.

But yelling at him
for no good reason?

Now, that makes me a bad father.

Look, we get one chance a year to prove
we're not screwups.

And what do we do?
We screw it up.

I remember a few years ago..

I wanted to do something really
special for Jamie.

So, I built him
his own clubhouse.

It came out great.

Oh, it— Well, I mean, the door
was a little crooked, right?

And the roof didn't
sit quite straight...

but you should have
seen his face light up.

Oh, when he saw that,
he was so excited.

We played in that clubhouse
the entire day.

- He even made us have Christmas dinner in it.
- No!

Oh, yeah.

I was the hero then.

Look at me now.

You're right. That kid's gonna need
some serious therapy, man.

- Oh, don't say that.
- Mm-hmm.

I know what I'm talking about.

See, I never forgave my father.

I remember one Christmas,
I wanted this one special toy-

a Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun.

- You remember those, don't you?
- No.

I still remember the commercial
like it was yesterday.

Two kids playing
out in the backyard.

"Johnny to Peter. Johnny to Peter.
Enemy sighted."

"Roger there!
Open fire!"

And then Johnny would whip out his
Johnny Seven O.M.A. one-man-army gun.

Seven guns in one— count 'em!

One— it's a grenade launcher.

Two— it's an anti-armor gun.

Three— it's an antitank gun.
I see ya, buddy.

Four— it's a rifle.

Five— it was a tommy gun.

Six-it's an anti-aircraft gun.

Just in case somebody survived,
seven was a cap-firing pistol.

Thing looked like a blast.

But— Of course,
for my old man...

Christmas was just
another opportunity to let me down.

I never did get
that Johnny Seven O.M.A

Sorry to hear that

Hey, don't mean nothin'.

You ever heard of a guy
named Scott Sherman?

Yeah. C.E.O.
of Sherman Industries.

He was my old neighbor...

and his dad got him
a Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun.

You know what happened?

He became a billionaire.

And me? Well...

I'm just a loser with no future.

Here's to you, Dad.

I can't let this happen

It’s just a doll.

It’s just a stupid little plastic doll!

Uh-uh-uh.
That's "action figure."

There's got to be one
around here somewhere!

You say you've been looking
everywhere for a Turbo Man doll?

Yes.

You say you'd do just about anything
to get your hands on one?

- Yes, yes.
- Well, KQRS has good news for you.

If you’re the first caller to correctly
identify all eight of Santa's reindeer...

you will be the winner of the hottest toy
since Johnny Seven O.M.A.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. All right.

It's easy.
Just call 555-KQRS

- No!
- I don't think so, buddy!

My arm!

Give me the phone!

- Give me the phone!
- There you are!

Comet, Cupid, Prancer-

- KQRS. Hello.
- Okay, I got the answer!

No, you don't!

You!

- Why did you do that? I got through!
- 911! 911!

- I got through!
- Help!

Hey, look, you guys, the radio station's
just two blocks down on Wabasha.

I got the... answer!

I got the answer!

Bye-bye. Sorry.

Oh, he barked up the wrong tree!

Oh, I can run like this for miles!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

Ha, ha!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

Ha, ha! I'm having
a good time! Bye!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen..

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen.

KQRS. You're on the air.

- Dasher, Dancer—
- Uh, Randy, Jermaine, Tito-

Nope, not even close. Sorry

- Maybe this will put us in the mood—
- I got the answer!

Let me in! Let me in!
I got the answer!

Come on! I got the answer!
Yes, I got the answer!

Come on.
Open up! Open up!

Yeah, I got a madman
in my studio, and— Help me!

- You can’t just—
- Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

- What?
- You see, I couldn't get through on the phone.

- Did I win?
- Oh, no, it's not that simple!

- No, it's-Wait, wait, wait!
- You're too late!

I've already got the right answer!
I won! Yeah!

I don't need the right answer
to win! I got this!

- And what's that?
- This, Mr. Track Star,
is a homemade explosive device!

- A bomb?
- Good Lordy!

Yes, in layman's terms-a bomb!
So back up!

- You built a bomb?
- I didn't have to build a bomb.
Don't you read the news?

Hundreds of these things come
through the mail every day.

I just kept one
in case I ever needed it.

So give me the doll, or I'm gonna
blow up everybody in this place!

Are you out of your mind?
Put this thing away! This is not worth it!

Maybe not to you, but to me it is.
So back up!

Myron!
Come on, old buddy.

Give me the package, all right?
Come on.

- Did you call me buddy?
- Yeah.

I am not your buddy! I tried to be your
teammate! I wanted to be your friend!

- But no! You had other plans for Myron Larabee!
- No, I had no plans.

You were no different than
the rest of those civilians...

those common letter writers who make fun of
my kneesocks and my safari hat in the summer!

Are you laughing at me?

- Huh?
- Oh, no! Lord, no. No, not at all.

Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you!
I know your kind!

You're the kind that puts
the trash can in front of the mailbox...

so I have to get out
of my Jeep, don't you?

- No, not true! I recycle!
- Shut up!

That's right! Shut up!
Why do you think the window's there?

So I can just put the mail in there!
But you act like everything's okay!

"Hey, Mr. Mailman!"
Like I have no feelings of my own!

- Hit the deck!
- Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

♪♪

Look, I'm— I'm sorry

I've been under pressure
since this Zip+4 thing.

- You twisted—
- Don't hit me! I got sickle cell!

- Don't hit me!
- Excuse me. Gentlemen.

Are you two under the impression...

that I have a Turbo Man doll
here in the studio?

- Yes.
- That's what you said on the radio.

- Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no, no.
- Yes, you did.

What I actually said was whoever
won would get a doll eventually.

You see, what we have here...

Ha! Oh! Is a gift certificate.

- A gift certificate?
- Right.

As soon as they get some in the stores-

- Did you call the cops?
- Well— kinda.

Let's get outta here.
But I'm going first, buddy!

Better luck next time, loser.

- Freeze!
- Hey! Hey!

Hey, guys!

Just can't stay
out of trouble, can you?

You wouldn't want to hurt
a fellow civil servant, would you?

What's all this violence? It's Christmas

I was just delivering
some Christmas-Hey!

Back up! This is a homemade
explosive device! And I'll blow it up!

Know why? 'Cause I work for the post
office! So you know I'm not stable!

Tell them!

This man is totally insane.

Thank you!
Now put the guns down. Now!

Put them down!
Brother man, put your gun down!

Everybody!
You, too, Barnaby Jones.

All right, just stay there.

And I'll know if you move,
'cause I have the ears of a snake!

Ciao, baby.

- Oh, you shouldn't mess with that.
- Relax, Sparky.

I was on the bomb squad
for 10 years.

I'm the man! I'm the man!

Gentlemen, we've been duped.

This is nothing but a harmless
Christmas package.

That was really a bomb?

This is a sick world we're living in.
Sick people!

How many years
on the bomb squad?

Liz, honey...

I did everything within my power
to get the doll for Jamie.

But look, I got a gift certificate,
which is just as good.

Eh! Too happy.

- Show a little emotion.
- Emotions.

Oh, Liz, I'm so sorry
I didn't get one.

I failed as a husband,
and I failed as a father.

Could you ever forgive me?
Please?

Why don't you just put on a dress
and weep like a little girl?

♪ Let every heart ♪

♪ Prepare him room ♪

- ♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪
- ♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven
And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ Joy to the world
The Savior reigns ♪

♪♪ Thanks a lot.

That son of a...

- What are you doing?
- Your star wasn't up.

It's Christmas eve.
You've gotta have your star up.

I'm out all day...

and he's in my house...

putting up my star on my tree.

I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago

It's nestled safely under our tree

Nestled safely under our tree

Safely under our tree

I'll show him. Ha!

Oh, I-I'm sorry, Ted,
but that's Howard’s job.

He always puts the star on.
He's adamant about it.

Too bad he's not as adamant...

about spending time
with his family on Christmas eve.

It's turbo time!

Liz, do you hear that?
Carolers!

Let's go! Come on!

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year ♪

- The back door.
- ♪ Good tidings to you wherever you are ♪

♪ Good tidings for Christmas
and a happy new year ♪

♪ Now bring us
some figgy pudding ♪

♪♪

What am I doing?

Look at me.

Stealing from a kid?

I can't do this.

You're gonna go back.

Nice doggy.

Nice.

Oh!

No!

♪ Now bring us
some figgy pudding ♪

Oh.

Balthazar.

- Howard?
- Hi.

Uh-oh. Uh!

What are you doing?

- I, uh—
- What's that?

Oh.

You can always count on me

- That is Johnny’s Turbo Man.
- What?

- It's not what you think it is.
- Oh, it isn't? Really?

Then do tell me what it is
because as far as I know...

you got Jamie his own
Turbo Man weeks ago.

What it looks like is that you've broken
into our neighbor's house...

and you're stealing presents
from under the tree.

Liz, if you just give me a second,
I could explain it to you.

I know parts of this are going
to sound completely ridiculous...

but let me tell you the truth

Howard, I've been listening to your version
of the truth for far too long now...

and honestly,
I don't want to anymore.

All I want is to salvage
what's left of Christmas eve...

and go to the parade
with my son.

Liz, please.

- Ted, would you drive us?
- Of course.

You can't bench-press your way
out of this one.

Oh, God.

You picked the wrong day

Uh!

Oh. You started it.

Mom, do you think Dad's
gonna be at the parade?

I wouldn't count on it, honey.

Hey, Turbo Man's gonna be there.

You can always count on him.

Hey, Rudolph, can I buy you
another round?

Here.

Sorry, buddy,
but you're on your own.

It's time I start
keeping my promises.

♪♪

♪♪

There. You see?

Well, it looks like
it's that time of year again...

The 12th annual Holiday
Wintertainment Parade.

I'm weatherman Gale Force here
with the lovely Liza Tisch of A.M. Live.

Merry Christmas, Gale.

We're high atop Channel 29's
parade central...

to keep you updated on all
of this year's parade action.

- Let's watch—
- And listen.

♪♪

The parade's already started!

Hey, Dad, there's Owen
and his dad.

Can we get out and stand with them
while you park the car?

- Please? Please? Please?
- Yeah, please? Please?

- Okay.
- Okay. We'll meet you there.

Yes! Yeah!

- And don't go wandering off.
- Okay, Mom.

- And, Jamie, put on your hat.
- I know.

Owen! Owen!

All right, kids. Come on

♪♪

Oh, wow!

- Check it out!
- You see Turbo Man?

- Nah. They're saving him for last.
- Ah.

Oh! This is awesome.

Cat in the Hat!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Couldn't you just take Fourth Street?

Sorry, pal. All the roads are packed.
Everybody's trying to get to the parade.

- You know, Turbo Man's gonna be there.
- I know.

Go ahead.
Come on. Let's move it up.

Liz, I'm sorry you had
to go through that back there.

Here. Have some
nonalcoholic eggnog.

Oh. I'll be fine.

You can't hide
your feelings from me.

Go on. Let it out.
Get it out of your system.

No, really, Ted. I'm okay.

I don't think so.

Liz, you're like a lost
and frightened foal.

I can see it in your eyes.

Don't worry. Ted's here.

That's... very sweet.

- You deserve better, Lizzie.
- Lizzie?

Someone you can talk to,
a shoulder to cry on.

It's useless, Liz.
We can't hide our feelings any longer.

Feelings?

You know, Liz, I don't have to tell you,
I'm a very eligible bachelor.

There are lots of women who would give
anything to be in your position right now.

Well, I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

For me, it all started
months ago...

at your Labor Day barbecue,
remember?

And you asked me how
to marinate ahi tuna...

and I said, "All you need
is Italian salad dressing."

You!

Come here.
Stop that man!

Enough talking.

Ow!

Well, that didn't exactly
go as well as I'd hoped.

You! Who are you?
Are you the guy?

- Huh?
- Oh, thank God. Hey, we got him, people!

Okay. Okay, listen up.
We're running late here, so pay attention.

You already read
the instruction manual we sent you...

so you know all about
all the important controls.

- Let me just go over a couple of the changes.
- What changes?

There are three cutoff valves
to the nitro fuel.

- What are you talk-
- Here, here and here

The normal reading on the pressure gauge
should read anywhere below 50.

- But I—
- Not 70 like we told you earlier.

- The emergency cutoff switch is here.
- But you don't understand.

The primary controls are
gonna be right here

And there's also a microphone
inside the helmet...

that will alter your voice
to the proper tonality.

- Procedure-wise-same as we
talked about over the phone.
- Procedure?

- Stick to that, there shouldn't
be any problems. Questions?
- Yes.

Before you say anything, let me just take
a moment and speak for everyone...

when I thank you for filling in
for Pete on such short notice.

It was a total freak accident
what happened at rehearsal.

- We're confident we got all the kinks
worked out of the system.
- Accident?

You should know the doctor said Pete actually
showed some brain activity this morning.

Yeah! That's a really good sign.

Move it out, people!

Finally! Where the hell
have you been?

Geez! I've been sweating like a dog
in a Chinese restaurant...

waiting for your sorry ass
to show up.

Well, it's show time.

I know you. You're Booster.

Yeah, and who the hell do you think
you are-Mary Poppins?

Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Let's do it!

- Go! Go! Go!
- Wait a minute. Let's talk about this

Have a great show.

♪♪

And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

Here he is, boys and girls,
live and in person...

Turbo Man!

Wow

Wave, you idiot! Wave!

Wave?

Yes.

This is cool.

- Yeah! Whoo!
- Look, Mom. It's Turbo Man.

I can get into this.

Liza, in a few moments,
Turbo Man himself...

will select a special child
from our audience.

That little boy or girl
will be the lucky winner...

of a special edition Turbo Man doll

Aw, man! Awesome!

Hey! You're supposed
to be holding this!

Oh.

Yes!

- Hey, rock star. Better be on your toes.
- Yeah?

- Dementor's gonna be jumping on the float.
- Who?

Oh, what's he doing?
Look, would you pick a kid already?

Pick a kid?

Pick a kid so he can come up here
and get his prize!

- Pick me, Turbo Man!
- Over here!

Turbo Man! Turbo Man!

Pick me! Pick me!
Over here!

- He's looking at me.
- Here! No. He's looking at me!

- See that? He's pointing at me.
- Nah, it's me!

- Me! Me!
- Me! Me!

- Me!
- Me!

Jamie!

He knows my name.

Liza, I think Turbo Man
has selected a winner.

Go ahead.
Go ahead, honey. Go.

Go, Jamie!

Merry Christmas, Jamie.

Wow. How did you know my name?

Well, Jamie, you see,
I'm your fa...

Oh, no, kids!
It's Turbo Man's archenemy— Dementor!

Oh, shut up!

- Shut up!
- Was that in the script?

All right, kid. Give me the doll,
and nobody gets hurt.

- Myron?
- That's right, Turtle Man.

Thought you could outsmart me,
didn't you, huh?

Thought your little
suit idea was so slick

But you know what?
I'm one step ahead of you..

Because I've got a bigger brain.

Just stay here.

Come on, Myron.
You're taking this too far.

Hey, I'm not going home
without that doll!

Hey, buddy!
This ain't the way we rehearsed it!

You know what?
Nobody likes you, Booster.

Whoa!

- We don't like you, Booster!
- We hate you, Booster!

Hey, where do you think you're going, kid?

Come back here, my little pretty-
and your little doll too!

- Hey, Myron! Leave the kid alone!
- Gotcha!

Ta-ta, Turtle Man.

Uh-oh, Liza. It looks like Dementor
has beaten Turbo Man.

Oh, no, Gale. This could be
the end of civilization as we know it.

- Do something, Turbo Man! Use your turbo discs!
- My what?

On your arm!

Hey, Myron! I have
a special delivery for you

- Huh?
- Hah!

All right!

Yeah!

Oh! It appears that Turbo Man
has saved the day.

I'm going to take you
back to your mom, okay?

Go! Go! Demon Team!

It's the Demon Team—
Dementor's evil henchmen!

- What you gonna do now, kid?
- Hyah!

- What about my son?
- Don't you know the choreography?

- Mom!
- Jamie!

I ain't through with you, kid!

Get out of my way, box!

- That's it!
- Come here! I'm sorry I hollered.

Get out of my way!
Get out of my way!

Get out of my way!
Come here, boy!

Get that popcorn out my face!

- Come on!
- Go ahead! Go ahead!

You know what, kid?
You need a time-out.

- Jamie!
- Don't worry, ma'am. It's all part of the show

- Please. Get back up on the sidewalk.
- That's my son up there!

Oh! He's wonderful!

He's not part of the show!

I'm scared of heights

You ever see the movie Vertigo?
That mean anything to you?

- Let's get this guy!
- What are you doing?

Oh!

Look. Uncle Myron
wants to talk to you.

All right, kid!
End of the line!

- Just give me the doll!
- Never!

Fly! Fly, Turbo Man!
Use your jet pack!

It's turbo time!

- Wow!
- Whoa!

I think I'm getting
the hang of this!

- Turbo Man! Help!
- Jamie! I got you!

Jamie! Uh!
Out of my way!

Let us pray.

What the...

Whoa!

Ha, ha! I got you, kid.

Just give me the doll, kid!

Get up! Get up!

Turbo Man! Use your turbo-rang!

Come on!

Ha, ha! Missed me!

- Oh!
- Ha, ha! Victory is mine!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Wow!

I got it! I got one!

I finally got one!

- Turbo Man! Help!
- Jamie!

- Gotcha!
- Yes!

Thanks, Turbo Man.
I knew you'd save me.

You can always count on me.

Awesome!

Here you go, ma'am.

Mom! Did you see that?

I was flying with Turbo Man!
He saved me from Dementor!

It was the coolest!
Did you see it? Did you?

I saw. I saw.

Oh, thank you, sir. I don't think you know
how much he means to me.

Oh, I think I have an idea.

What's the matter, Jame?

It’s just-I wish that Dad
could have been here, you know?

To see me fly and all.

But he didn't come
and it's all my fault.

He's mad at me.
We had a fight on the phone...

and I kind of yelled at him.

Jamie, your dad
is not mad at you

He loves you more than anything
in the whole wide world.

You're his all-time
favorite person.

How do you know all that?

Well, who would know
better than me?

- Dad?
- Howard?

- I'm right here.
- Howard!

Oh, Liz, you two mean more to me
than anything.

I'm so sorry if I haven't
shown that lately.

I know I've been
neglecting both of you.

But no more.

I love you.
I love you both.

- Johnny, what's goin' on here?
- Look! Jamie's dad is Turbo Man!

- Let's get outta here!
- Dad, you smell like barf.

Young man.

I think I have something
that belongs to you.

- Thanks!
- You're welcome

And as for you, Turbo Man...

we could use
a man like you on the force.

Thanks.

I'll keep that in mind

Oh, I'm sorry about the bike...

and the coffee...

and the bus..

And, uh, the bomb.

I had it! I had it!
I had it right here in my hands!

What am I gonna tell my son
on Christmas morning?

- How am I gonna look him in the eye? How?
- Wait.

- Did you see? I had it, man. I was so close.
- Wait.

Merry Christmas.

- Wow. Wow.
- But...

Hey, thank— thank you.
Thank you.

You know, this is gonna
make my son really happy.

I'm sorry about that, uh,
little tension we had on the roof.

Hey, it's cool.

But, Jamie, I thought you wanted
this doll more than anything.

What do I need the doll for?
I got the real Turbo Man at home.

- Oh!
- Turbo Man!

That-That's my husband.

Turbo Man! Turbo Man!

That's my dad!
That's my dad!

- Hey!
- Yeah, look at that. There it is.

- Voilà!
- Beautiful.

- Perfecto!
- Mmm!

Howard, I've been thinking.

Everything that you
went through today for Jamie...

really shows
how much you love him.

And, uh— And if you’re willing to go
through all of that for him...

just for a present...

well, that makes me wonder.

What?

What did you get me?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a '57 Chevrolet ♪

♪ Jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

- ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
- ♪ He's dashing ♪

- ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
- ♪ He's dashing ♪

- ♪ Over the fields we go ♪
- ♪ He's dashing ♪

- ♪ Laughing all the way ♪
- ♪ Now he's laughin' ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells ♪
J-Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a '57 Chevrolet ♪

♪ Jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Hey!

♪ Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Over the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing, laughing
laughing, laughing ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Makin' those spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle, jingle
Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a '57 Chevrolet ♪

♪ Jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse ♪

♪ Open ♪

♪ Sleigh ♪♪

♪ So they say
it's Christmastime again ♪

♪ The calendar says December
but it's wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause Christmas is the time ♪

♪ When lovers pray divine ♪

♪ And people are meeting
and two hearts are beating ♪

♪ So they say
it's Christmastime, I know ♪

♪ But I'll just keep pretending
until they go ♪

♪ 'Cause if they say
it's Christmas ♪

♪ I'll think you're here with me ♪

♪ If they say
it's Christmastime again ♪

♪ I wonder when your
Christmas card will come ♪

♪ I'll bet it's
that same old winter one ♪

♪ Where people are happy ♪

♪ And full of that joy ♪

♪ The spirit of giving
and loving and living ♪

♪ So you know when Christmas
rolls around ♪

♪ I just can't help
but feeling kind of down ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
my Christmastime ♪

♪ You're who I'm thinking of ♪

♪ When they say
it's Christmastime, my love ♪

♪ Christmastime, my love ♪

♪ It's Christmastime ♪

♪ So you know
when Christmas rolls around ♪

♪ I just can't help
but feelin' kind of down ♪

♪ 'Cause you're my Christmastime ♪

♪ The one I'm thinking of ♪

♪ When they say
it's Christmastime ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ It's Christmastime ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ It's Christmastime my love ♪

♪ It's Christmastime ♪

♪ Christmastime, my love ♪

♪ Christmastime ♪

♪ My love ♪♪