Jimmy O. Yang: Good Deal (2020) - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the stage

-Jimmy O. Yang!

How's everybody doing?

Yes, yes.

Thank you.

Thank you guys very
much for coming out.

What's up, y'all
beautiful people?

This is great, man.

You guys can have a seat now.

You guys can have a seat.

Thank you,
thank you so much.



Where my Asian people
at, Asian people?

Hey!

You came out!

We're out here
representing, man.

I got to say, it's been a
couple of good years for us

Asians, right?

We had "Crazy Rich
Asians" last year.

That was a huge
moment for us, yeah.

Jeremy Lin won a championship...

for doing nothing.

He's the first Asian kid to
receive a participation trophy.

We got to be proud
of him, finally.

It's great, great
couple of years, man.

But this is recent history.



I don't know if you
guys remember this.

Just three years ago,
there was a movie

called "The Great Wall"--

starring Matt Damon.
It was a real movie.

It was Matt Damon
in ancient China

fighting dragons and shit,
and everybody spoke English?

I said, what the fuck is this?

But you got to understand.
I'm not mad at Matt Damon, OK?

He's an actor. That's what
he does for a living.

That's how he gets a check.
I get it.

If somebody were to offer me
a lead role in a movie called

"Mount Rushmore,"...

I would play the shit
out of George Washington,

you know what I mean?

No shame in my game.

I'll play George Washington
Carver if they let me.

That's a black guy, by the way.
I don't know if you know.

Gotta represent, man.

I see a lot of people
out here in the streets,

they want to come up to me,
but they're not really sure.

There's a lot of debate
amongst their friends.

They're like, hey, man,
are you sure that's him?

If we go up there,
we got to be sure.

Because if we go up
there and it's not him,

we're gonna look super racist.

Are you sure that's
not Ken Jeong?

I don't know.
It looks kind of like Ali Wong.

I don't know.

And they come up to me, it's
always like, the first thing

they say, like, hey,
hey, man, aren't you

that dude Jian-Yang from
that show "Silicon Valley"?

And I'm like, oh, thanks.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, thank you.

Thank you, I appreciate that.
Yeah, I am.

And then they're like, oh,
shit, I didn't even know

you speak English
in real life!

I'm like, it's called
acting, motherfucker.

Like, did you really think
Matt Damon was Chinese?

Like, what's wrong with you?

I don't know what
the disconnect is.

Like, if a white actor
does a British accent,

he's a thespian.

He wins an Oscar.

If I do a Chinese
accent, I'm automatically

from the old country.

Representation matters, man.

A lot of Asian people come up
to me, very proud, very nice.

They're like, Jimmy, thank you
for represent the Asians, man.

I'm like, eh, you're welcome.

But you do understand, it's
not really a choice, right?

Like, when you wake up Asian,
you can only represent Asians.

I couldn't just wake up one
day and be like, fuck it,

I'm representing
Nigerians today.

I'm very proud to
represent Asians.

But at the same time,
there's so much pressure.

Like, nobody ever
went up to Matt Damon

and be like, hey, Matt, thanks
for representing the whites.

It sounds weird.

That's like
a different conversation
for some reason, you know?

If somebody came up to me
being like, hey, Jimmy,

I'm representing
for the whites,

I would
leave that town immediately

and never come back.

So much pressure
to represent.

I got to be a good
Asian everywhere now.

I got to tip everywhere I go.

That was one of the
major advantages

of being Asian, is
I could just pretend

I don't know how to tip.

Y'all know what
a Chinese tip is?

Chinese tip, it doesn't
matter how big your bill is,

you tip $2. That's a Chi--

That's a Chinese tip, man.

Now I got to tip
20% everywhere.

I got to give every Uber
driver five-star ratings

just so I can be
a good representative.

Everywhere I go,
I got to represent.

Even day to day shit, even the
bedroom I got to represent.

After I hooked up
with this one girl,

this is what she said to me.
She was like, Jimmy,

I don't know
how to tell you this,

but you're the first Asian
guy I've ever been with.

I'm like, OK.

What do you want,
a fortune cookie?

Like, wha--?

Like, what do you want?

She acted like she just
unlocked a new character

on Street Fighter
or some shit.

Why do you feel the
need to say that?

This one girl said this shit
that was so disrespectful.

This is what she said to
me after we hooked up.

She was like,
Jimmy, um, I'm just

glad the stereotype's
not true.

You don't have a small penis.

I'm like, bitch, you
understand you just insulted

my entire race of people?

But thank you.

First of all, thank
you for thinking

that I did have a small
penis, and we still had sex.

You're the real MVP.

You get two fortune
cookies tonight, miss.

Thank you.

But that's a fucked
up stereotype, right?

That's not even true.
That's a fucked up stereotype.

Everybody should have average
dick until proven guilty.

I don't care how tall you
are, what ethnicity you are,

how big your hands are.

Everybody should start at
average dick, 8 inches.

And we go from there.

There's so much pressure, man.

I feel like every
time I have sex,

there's a billion Chinese people
on my back just judging me.

I gotta make sure I perform
and represent, you know?

I got to get them an
extra pump for my uncle

in Shanghai, an extra
pump for my nephew

in Hong Kong and shit.
It's like, oh, my god.

That's why you see
old Asian people,

they be walking like
this, just like--

(CHINESE ACCENT)
It's so much pressure.

I love old Asian people, man.

Yeah, yeah, old Asian
people are the best.

But why are all old Asian people

always stretching
in the park?

Like, it doesn't matter
which city you're in,

which park you go to, you
wake up, 6:30 in the morning,

you see about 250
old Asian people

all doing this shit
at the same time,

for like three hours.

What the fuck are they doing?

And my dad was trying
to explain to me.

He's like, oh, they're
warming up to do Tai Chi.

I'm like, for how long?

And ironically, Tai Chi
is a warm-up in itself.

So they're warming up
to warm up for nothing.

And I think to a lot of
Americans, like, people think

that Tai Chi to some, like,
exotic Chinese secret,

some oriental art.

No. Tai Chi is just
exercise for people

who are too old to exercise.

Let's not exoticize
these things, you know?

It's actually super
simple to do Tai Chi.

I went to a park, watched those
old people for like an hour,

and I learned
how to do Tai Chi.

Very simple, all you
gotta do is two things.

All you gotta do
to do to Tai Chi

is pretend you're
wiping down a window

and getting a blow
job at the same time.

You guys seem skeptical.

Allow me to demonstrate.

It's very simple.

All you gotta do, you get it
your little stance, right, OK?

And then you wipe down a window.

And now you get a blow job.

Then you lift her head up,
because you're a gentleman,

you know?

That's Tai Chi.

Thank you, thank you.

Let's not exoticize
these Asian things.

They're just old people
reminiscing about the days

when they got sucked off.
That's it.

You got to take
advantages of all

these, like, Asian
stereotypes, you know?

If people are just going to
exoticize us, that's fine.

Whenever somebody asks me to do
something I don't want to do,

I just make up a fake
Chinese holiday now.

It's like, hey, Jimmy can
you help me move next Monday?

I'm like, Monday?

That's the Dragon Boat
Lychee Boba Festiva, dog.

I can't-- I can't
just help you move.

My grandfather died for
that shit, you understand?

And if people are just
gonna assume that I don't

speak English, that's fine.

That's what I do now when I
get pulled over by the cops.

I just pretend I
don't speak English.

I haven't gotten a
ticket in five years.

Last time I got pulled over,

the cop was knocking
on my window.

He was like, sir,
you do understand you

can't make a right turn here?

It says right there
on the sign.

You can't make a right turn.

So I just looked up at him.
I was like,

(CHINESE ACCENT)
Oh, I don't know.

I'm sorry, but-ah
English not very good.

So I cannot read-ah
the sign.

And he was really confused.
He just looked back down at me.

He was like, sir,
the sign is not in English.

It's a diagram,
so I don't understand

how that's
a language barrier?

So I just looked up at him.
I was like,

(CHINESE ACCENT)
Oh... I don't know.

But do you know today is
the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba--

You got to use it to
your advantage, people.

I'm very happy to be here, man.

-Thank you.

Oh, you guys don't
have to-- thank you.

Thank you for all your support.

It's been great.
It's been really great.

Like, I'm finally--
I'm like quasi-famous now.

Nothing's really changed.

I might get a free appetizer
at select PF Chang's.

That's about it.
Nothing's really changed.

I was still using Tinder
up until like a year ago.

This is a true story.

But now I realize I got a whole
new set of issues on Tinder.

Like now, when I do
match with a girl,

she doesn't believe
that it's me.

Like, ew, that's not you.

You're not that guy from
this thing and that thing.

I'm like, who the fuck is
using me as a fake profile?

You gotta dig real
deep to use me, man.

I feel like there's so many
better choices out there.

One time-- one time, my agent
told me that I had a good look.

And I'm like, thanks,
dude, I appreciate that.

But then it took me years to
realize that having a good look

is totally different
than being good-looking.

I still don't know
what the fuck it means.

And look, I'm not being
self-deprecating, OK?

That's Hollywood talk.
I don't listen to that shit.

I understand that,
in real life,

I'm like
super good-looking--

if you're into anime.

You gotta get in where
you fit in, people.

One time, I went over
to the girl's house,

she has this, like, Naruto
anime poster in her bedroom.

I knew I was
fucking that night.

You got to know
your demo, people.

Asian people, we don't
need Tinder anymore.

We just go to BTS concerts.

That's how we do that
parking lot pimping.

I've been dating
a lot of tall girls lately,

because it makes
me look successful.

No, no. I think
tall women are beautiful.

But some of them
like to wear heels.

That's just disrespect.

Like, you're already five
inches taller than me.

Why the fuck are
you wearing heels?

She's like, it makes
my ass look better.

I'm like, your ass is at
my eye level right now.

Neither of us look good, OK?

I look like a child, and you
look like a child molester.

Last time-- the last time I took
a tall girl to this concert--

I don't know if
you guys know this,

but apparently, tall people
have fun at concerts.

Are you guys aware of that?
I'm 5' 5".

I just go to concerts to
smell other people's armpits.

I'm like what the fuck's
the point of this?

She was having the
time of her life,

doing whatever tall people
do at concerts, you know,

jumping around, obstructing
other people's views,

seeing everything.

I was frustrated.
I had enough.

So I just looked up at
her, I was like, hey!

Pick me up.

This is bullshit.
I paid for these tickets, OK?

I want to see
Billy Eilish, too.

Come on.

I know I'm becoming
an adult finally,

because now my favorite TV
show is "Fixer Upper" on HGTV.

That's the greatest
show of all time.

You guys watch it, Chip and
Joanna Gaines, "Fixer Upper"?

It's a great show, right?
It's a great show.

Like, it's really a
beautiful relationship.

Joanna does all the
interior decorating,

and she brings in
all the furniture

and makes the
house look amazing.

And Chip just hires Mexicans
to do everything for him.

It's the most symbiotic
American relationship ever.

And it's a really nice show.

It's a feel-good show.

It's an aspiring show.

You watch the show and you're
like, man, one day, maybe

my house could look that nice--

if I moved to Waco, Texas.

If I just give up on my life
and move to Waco, Texas,

maybe I can have a new
open concept kitchen.

I don't know about you guys.

Shit is expensive
where I live in LA.

And I watch this show and
I just get frustrated.

Because you get,
like, these like,

entry-level-job-having
people in Texas.

And they're like, Joanna, we're
looking for a six bedroom house

on three acres of land
and our budget's $50,000.

Bitch, I can't even buy a crack
house in Compton for $50,000.

HGTV is just basically
"MTV Cribs" for adults.

Because when you were 15, you
had crazier dreams, you know?

You watch "MTV Cribs,"
and you're like,

oh, man, one day, I hope
I can have a Lamborghini.

One day, I hope I can have a
fridge with only Gatorades.

And now, you're like
35, your dreams just

get a little more realistic.

You're watching HGTV, and you're
just, like, oh, man, one day,

I wish I could
just fix this roof.

Look, I'm doing, like, fine
by any measure, you know?

But I still live in a
one-bedroom apartment

because that shit
is rent-controlled.

And when the Asian people,
when we find a good deal,

we're never letting
that shit go.

-Yeah.

That apartment is about
to be generational.

It's gonna get passed to my
nephew, his kids, and all that.

It's mine now, basically.

I don't want to buy a house.
I live by myself,

and I'm scared of ghosts.

I've seen enough movies to know
that ghosts only haunt houses,

not one bedroom apartments.

Yeah.

I've seen enough
Hollywood movies

to know that ghost only
haunt rich people's houses

in the suburbs, preferably with
a newborn baby, because they

got way too much to lose.
Shit is high stakes.

I live by myself.
I ain't got nothing to lose.

A ghost come haunt
me, I just move.

Worse comes to worse, I
lose my security deposit.

Fuck it, you know?
What's a ghost gonna do?

He's gonna follow me
from unit to unit,

start knocking on my
light fixtures and shit.

I'm like, hey, dog, go ahead.
It's not even mine.

You fuck around,
we both get evicted, OK?

Like, you don't want
to be a homeless ghost.

And if you really think about
it, what kind of loser ghost

haunts an apartment?

That means that ghost
probably died in an apartment.

He didn't even die a homeowner.

I ain't got no
respect for that shit.

He comes haunt me, I just
start talking shit to him.

Like, hey, dog, what was
your credit score when you

died, though, like, for real?

For real.

I was born in Hong Kong.

Any Hong Kong people?

A couple of us--

awesome, man.

For you guys that haven't
been following the news,

Hong Kong is a part of Japan.

I'm joking, obviously.

But I said the same
shit in Kansas City,

and people were like, really?

Wow, we learned something
new today, Bill.

I did a show in Kansas City.
I don't know why either.

People are very
nice in Kansas City.

I'm not gonna say, like, they're
racist or anything like that,

but they're just,
like, curious.

Like they're watching me like
they're watching an episode

of National Geographic.

And a pack of giraffes just
ran by, and they're like,

oh, I've never seen one
of those in real life.

It looks majestic.

This one kid in
Kansas City came up to me

after the show,
very nice kid.

This is what he said.
He was like,

ah, Jimmy, thought
you were really funny, man.

I don't mean to offend
you-- that's when you know

you're about to get offended.

He was like, I don't
mean to offend you,

but when I first
saw your poster,

I thought you were
gonna play the violin.

I was like, I do, motherfucker,
just not right now.

Shit.

I keep it a secret.

See, I gotta say, I got
some of the nicest crowds

in the business.
I rarely ever get heckled.

And one time I was talking about
how I used to play the violin.

An old Chinese lady
sitting in the front, just

stood up and screamed out,
first chair or second chair?

And I was like, thanks,
ma'am, fifth chair, actually,

fifth chair.
I wasn't-- I wasn't very good.

I wasn't good.

I grew up very
stereotypically in Hong Kong.

Like my real name
is not even Jimmy.

That's my English name.

My real name is Man-Sing.

In Cantonese,

It stands for 10,000 success.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.

I had very ambitious parents.

And now I'm telling dick jokes
and doing Tai Chi on stage,

so--

Jimmy was just kind of
like an arbitrary English

name that just sounded easy.

And my dad, he named
himself Richard.

I was like, Dad, why'd
you name yourself Richard?

He was like, because
I want to be rich.

It makes so much sense.

And then they named my older
brother Roger

after the James
Bond actor Roger Moore.

Yeah, but my brother
hated that name.

He was like, man, it makes me
sound like an old white guy.

So eventually he changed
his own name to Roy.

So now he sounds like
an older white guy.

And now his full name is Roy
Roger, which is the oldest

white guy to ever white.

I grew up very
stereotypically, man.

I didn't play
basketball or football.

I grew up playing ping pong--

competitively!

That was a serious national
sport back home, man.

You know, I didn't go to
any, like,

fun summer camp,
space camp.

My dad sent me to a
ping pong training camp

in Gwangju, China.

I almost died.

It was 100 kids competing for
one spot on the national team.

It was basically Fortnite
with ping pong paddles.

We took that shit
seriously, though.

My dad would take me to every
practice, every tournament game.

And he always tried to give me
a pep talk before every game.

But you know, Asian parents,
they're way too honest.

So every pep talk just
turned into an insult.

Like, he would come up to me,
be like,

(CHINESE ACCENT)
Jimmy. Jimmy.

You're going to
play well, OK?

Even though you slow, even
though you weak, and you suck.

And then he would
just walk away.

I was very good at math.

That's a big Asian stereotype.

I think there's
some truth to that.

Not because of some
weird genetic thing,

just because our parents cared
so much more about mathematics

and academics.

You guys seen it.
You guys seen those, like,

Kumon Learning Centers in those
strip malls, right, right?

Kumon Learning Centers, for
you guys that don't know,

are basically detention camps
for young Asian children.

You can tell that
place is kind of fucked

up by the look of its logo.

Because it's supposed
to be a smiley

face, but it's not
really smiling.

It's just like, meh.

My parents were way too
cheap to send me to Kumon.

They got a different strategy.

They never let me use a
calculator until I turned 15,

so I can work on
my brain function.

That's an old school
Chinese strategy.

So when I turned 15, it was
a very special occasion.

It was basically my Quinceañera.

My dad just gave
me a TI-83 Plus.

And he looked me in
the eyes, and he was

like, you're a woman now, OK?

But when you're a kid,
when your parents tell you

you can't do something,
what do you do?

You rebel, right?
So when I was 14 years old,

I stole my
brother's calculator.

I stole Roy Rogers calculator,
and I locked myself in my room.

And I started rebelling.

I started doing math homework.

Other kids were,
like, fucking around

with, like, alcohol and drugs.

I was fucking up some
parabolas, you know?

Locked myself in a room, I
was just punching in numbers.

I was like, oh, man, this
feels great, you know?

It's so wrong.
It's awesome.

My dad was pissed.

He was knocking on the
outside of the door.

He doesn't like locked
doors in the house.

And he was screaming.
He was like,

(CHINESE ACCENT)
Jimmy! Jimmy!

What are you doing inside?
Come out right now.

I know you're in there
using a calculator.

Come out right now.

I was so scared I
didn't know what to do.

And he unlocked the
door, and he came in.

I went into full panic mode.

So I just threw
away the calculator,

and I pulled down my pants.

I was like, Dad, I
was just jerking off.

And he came in, and
he looked at me.

And then he looked
at the math homework.

And he was like good,
good, very good.

Very good, very good,
you must really like math.

That's good.
Keep it up.

Because there is
nothing, there is nothing

that will make an Asian father
more proud than to see his son

jerk off to his math homework.

I grew up very
stereotypically, man.

But all these things--
playing the violin,

being good at math, my names--

those things weren't
stereotypes when

I was growing up in Hong Kong,
because everybody was Asian.

Everyone was good at math.

It didn't become a stereotype
until I came to this country

when I was 13 years old.

And I automatically became
the weird foreign kid.

Like, I didn't really even
know how to speak English.

I learned English
how you guys will

learn Spanish, just on paper.

But if I would have
dropped you off in Mexico

when you're 13 years old,
you would've died.

I was a very confused kid, man.
The first day of school,

everybody was standing up,
putting their right hand

on their chest,
doing the Pledge of Allegiance.

I didn't know what was going on.

I was like, did,
I just join a cult?

First day of school,
this girl came up to me.

She was like, hey, what's up?

I didn't know what that
meant, so I just looked up.

I was a very confused kid.

All these little customs,
I wasn't used to.

Like the first day of PE
class, first day of PE class,

we had to change
into our gym clothes.

I'd never done that.
Everybody was wearing boxers,

and I was still
wearing tighty-whiteys.

And this kid, this bully next
to me, he was being real mean.

He was like, hey,
look, the Asian kid's

wearing tighty-whiteys.
That's gay.

And I was like, oh,
really, is I what it means?

I had no idea.

And then I put on my
gym shorts, but my mom

had bought me gym
shorts that was

my exact size, an extra small.

So that wasn't very cool,
because it came down mid-thigh.

And apparently back
in the day, that

was called a John Stockton.

And the same kid next to
me, that bully next to me,

he was like, hey, hey, look at--
don't wear your pants like that.

Pull your pants down, man.
Pull your pants down.

And I was like, who's
the gay one now?

But I didn't know what to do.

Everybody was looking
at me, and this kid kept

saying pull your pants down.
So I was like, oh, shit.

I've seen
"Shawshank Redemption."

Maybe this is just how
it works in America.

So I start pulling
down my shorts

all the way down to my knees,
all the way down to my ankle.

And that same kid, the
bully next to me, is like,

hey, what are you doing?

Don't pull them
down all the way.

That's gay.

And I'm like, what is
not gay in this country?

And apparently this other
kid next me, he's like, hey,

don't pull them
down all the way.

Just sag them a little bit.

Just sag your pants.

And I didn't know what
sagging your pants meant.

Apparently, that's a
cool, hip hop thing,

to pull your pants down
halfway down your butt

so you show everybody
you asshole.

And apparently, that's
the only not gay way

to wear your pants in America.

I had no idea.

All these weird American
things I wasn't used to.

Eventually, I learned how to
speak English by watching a lot

of TV, mainly BET "Rap City."

Because that was my shit.
I want to be cool,

and nothing cooler
than BET "Rap City," right?

Every music video was a slice
of somebody's American dream.

The first music video I saw
was Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'".

You guys remember that shit?

Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
was the greatest

music video of all time.

It was Jay-z and his
boys on a yacht pouring

champagne on this
beautiful woman's

face for, like, four minutes.

I was like, this is America?

It's amazing.
That's all I wanted to do.

Like before I even wanted
to get into stand-up,

that's all I want to do.
I want to be a rapper.

I want to be like
Jay-z in "Big Pimpin'".

So I started my own rap
group in high school.

This is a true story.

It was me, my black
friend Julian,

and my other friend
Yugi, who was

half black and half Japanese.

So we are perfectly
1 and 1/2 black dudes

and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes.

And we called ourselves
The Yellow Panthers.

I know.

I wish I was making this
shit up, but I'm not.

The Yellow Panthers
was a real rap group.

And we had a real rap song.

It was called,
"Underground Railroad Builder."

I was confused.

Eventually, I became
a good Asian-American,

and I went to school to
get an Economics degree.

Because that was
the easiest degree

that can still appease
my Asian parents.

But then after I
graduated, I didn't want

to do, like, econ or finance.

So I went up to my
dad, I was like, dad,

I don't want to do any of this.

I want to go try
and do stand-up.

He was like, what's
a-- what's a stand-up?

You mean like a talk show?

I was like, yeah,
sure, talk show,

whatever you want to call it.

But I want to go
pursue my dreams.

And he was like, no.

Pursue your dreams how
you become homeless.

I was like, no, no,
Dad, Dad, it's--

things are different now.
We're in America, OK?

In America, we're supposed
to do what we love.

He was like, no.

Everyone does what they
hate for money and use

the money to do
what they love.

That's that old school
Chinese mentality, right?

See, I'm like first generation.

But my parents, they're
like negative 9 generation,

because they're so
frickin' Chinese.

Like, it's really hard for
me to watch TV with my dad,

because he's trying to make
me explain everything to him.

First of all, old Asian
people, they don't watch TV.

They judge the TV.

This is like, I'm just sitting
next to my dad on the couch,

and he's wearing his,
like, old Asian man

costume, which is just a wife
beater and tighty-whiteys.

He's just sitting there, arms
folded, judging the TV like--

He's made some random
noises around the house.

Now whenever he sneezes,
it's never just a sneeze.

It's like a whole tsunami of
sound waves that comes after.

It's just like, achoo!

Oh!

Ay, shit.

Oh!

I'm like, what the fuck,
Dad, just have an orgasm?

What was that?

And he doesn't understand
what I'm saying half the time.

He's like, oh,
there's an orgasm.

OK, the orga-- orgasm.

And he's trying to make me
explain everything to him on TV.

Do you understand how difficult
it is to explain a rap music

video to an old Chinese man?

We're just sitting there.

My dad was like,
uh, Jimmy, Jimmy,

what it mean when he
say Lamborghini Mercier?

What's that?

And I'm like, Dad, he's
bragging about his car.

It's a Lamborghini Mercier
Largo, a very expensive car.

You know what that is, right?

And he was like, oh,
OK, OK, yes, yes.

That's when you know
they have no idea

what the fuck you just said.

He was like, OK, OK, yes,
yes, a Lamborghini, OK.

Jimmy, what he mean when he
say,

your chick, she so thirsty.
What's that?

And I was like, shit, um--

Dad, he's making fun of
somebody's girlfriend, OK?

It's saying, like, she likes
attention from other guys,

and she likes to do
sex stuff with them,

you know, like,
blow jobs and such.

And he was like, oh,
OK, OK, yes, yes.

Yes, blow jobs, OK.
Mm.

Jimmy, Jimmy.

I'm thirsty, too, OK?

So-- I was like, oh, god, no.

No, it got lost in translation.

It's disgusting.

I don't know if
you guys know this,

but I came from
an acting family.

But it's not really like
Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight.

I guess I would be
Angelina Jolie in that equation.

My dad is also an actor, but
he started acting after I did.

Because he was like, it's so
easy, you can do it, I can.

I'm like, Dad, fine, if you
think my life's so easy,

why don't you go to some
open call auditions
and you'll understand how

hard it is, how much rejection
I face every day at my job.

He was like, OK.

And he went to all
these auditions,

and he started
booking everything.

It's a true story.

He got on this show in China,
in mainland China, called

"Little Daddy," "Xiao Baba."

Half a billion people
watch that show.

It's like the "Big Bang Theory"
of China, and Richard blew up.

And he was like, this is easy.

I don't know.

My plan completely backfired.

And my aunt in Shanghai,
she watched the show,

and she will call
the house in LA.

And she's like,
congratulations, Richard,

you're such a good actor.

Did your son teach
you how to act?

And he's like, no,
no, I'm a natural.

Oh, that's very good,
you and your son,

same busyness, you know?

You two are very funny.

He's like, no, no,
Jimmy is not funny.

I'm like, Dad
that's bullshit, OK?

You got one good
role, good for you.

I'm happy for you.
But you're not a real actor yet.

Real actors, we got to
cry, we got to laugh.

Do you even know how to
cry in front of a camera?

He was like, yes,
I just think about how

much you suck at ping pong.

Needless to say, I grew
up with low self-esteem,

because I was raised
by Asian parents.

My dad's not even the worse.

My mom's much worse.

Have you guys ever hung
out with old Asian ladies?

Old Asian ladies will tell
you exactly what the fuck

is wrong with your
face, as if they're

trying to do you a favor.

I go to my mom's house,
the first thing she says,

she's like, Jimmy,

Ai-yah.
Why is your face so fat?

Your clothes look homeless.

And your hair,
ai-yah, it's gay.

Sometimes it's like
embarrassing for me

to hang out with my mom,
you know?

Because Asian people,
we just got a different
custom, you know?

Like my mom, when
she goes shopping,

she doesn't buy shit she needs.

She just buys shit
because it's a good deal.

I brought-- one time, I brought
a full price shirt home, $20.

And she was like,
was it full price?

No, it's a bad deal.

I was like, Mom,
it's only 20 bucks.

She's like, yes, $20,
if you're stupid.

She goes to Ross
and she freaks out,

because everything's
a great deal.

She's like, Jimmy,
you should buy this.

You should buy--
this is a good deal.

This is a good deal.

I'm like Mom, that's
a double XL shirt, OK?

And it says Obey on it.

I'm not gonna
fucking wear that.

And she's like,
it's OK, 50% off.

Some day it'll fit, OK?

If you want a good
deal, you follow

the old Asian people, right?

You go to Costco, you see
a sea of old Asian people,

because you know everyone's
getting a great deal.

Nobody's getting ripped off.

You go to Whole Foods, never
seen one old Asian motherfucker

in my life.

We don't believe in that shit.

Look, there's nothing
wrong with Whole Foods.

Matter of fact, it's too nice.

And Asian people, we don't
like to pay for atmosphere.

Have you guys been to
a Chinese grocery store?

It's a fucking zoo.

You walk in there, there's just
a frog jumping from one aisle

to the other.

There's a piece of fish still
flopping around on the floor.

Half the place place
is an aquarium.

I don't know why you
ever pay for kids

to go to SeaWorld
when you just take

them to the Ranch 99 for free.

That's a good deal.

That's a great deal.

Asian people, we don't
buy organic shit.

We don't believe in
organic labeling.

We better still see it
swimming or still walking.

That's organic to us.

That's the only way we know.

All my friends in LA,
all my hipster friends,

they're like, Jimmy, you
gotta eat organic, man.

This regular stuff you eat, they
have growth hormones in them.

It's gonna fucking kill you.

I'm like, really,
growth hormones?

Wait a minute.

You're trying to tell me
I've been eating growth

hormones all my
life, and I'm still

5' 5" and I shop at Gap Kids?

Get the fuck out of here.

I'll pay extra for
growth hormones.

Get me to the GMO only
section, you know?

All this organic
stuff in America

is getting out of control.
It's not just organic food.

You got like organic bed
sheets, organic hand soap.

I don't know about
you guys, but growing

up in my very Chinese family,
hand soap wasn't even a thing.

Hand soap used to be that
piece of crap leftover soap

that my dad's been washing
his balls with for two months.

And he just puts it
on the soap counter.

You walk by, you rub your two
fingers on it for good luck.

That was-- that was hand soap.

Nobody got sick.
It was fine.

Once in a while, you
got a piece of pubes.

So what?

You deal with it.

Now hand soap is so fancy,
it's got its own aisle

at the grocery stores.

Because it's not about
washing your hands anymore.

It's a status symbol.

We go to our friends' house and
judge how well they're doing

but what kind of
hand soap you got.

We've all done this.
You go to your friend's house,

he's got that green bar
soap that says Zest on it.

That guy's a fucking peasant.

Don't associate yourself
with that kind of animal.

He's gonna ask you for
money, you know what I mean?

And then next level up, you got
like the $2 bottle of Softsoap

with the fish or the
watermelon on it, you know?

I like that family.
That's the backbone of America.

It's the middle class
Honda Civics of soaps.

Hardworking, American
family, man, I appreciate that.

And then next level up, you
got a soap that's so fancy

it doesn't even dispense soap.

It dispenses foam,
which is just soap

filled with air for an
extra $6 a fucking bottle.

Because as an
American society, we

decided we're way too good to
rub our own two hands together

to create our own foam, and
rather outsource that foaming

action to some poor Chinese
kid in Gwangju, China

to pre-foam it for us.

Make America foam
again, people, OK.

Thank you.

My mom eventually
caved in and she

bought the $2 bottle of
Softsoap with the fish on it.

But she's so Chinese,
she's been watering

it down for six years now.

And now it's just a bottle
water with a fish on it.

It doesn't do shit.

Because it's a good deal.

I know I make fun of my parents,
but at the end of they day,

I love them very much.
I think we all do, right?

But Asian people, we don't ever
say I love you to each other.

That's just not our thing.

One time, I got high
and I called my mom.

I was like, Mom, I just--

I just want to tell
you, Mom, I love you.

And you can hear her
start, like, crying

on the other side of the line.

She was like, oh, Jimmy,
do you have cancer?

We just got different
ways of showing love.

Like when I see my grandmother,
I don't give her a hug.

I just give her
a solid handshake.

We're not about that hugging.

And Asian grandmas,
they're the best.

You give her a handshake,
she's like a vending machine.

You give her a handshake,
out comes a red envelope.

And you gotta pretend
you don't want that shit.

You're like, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, please, please.
OK, thank you.

That's just how we show love.

My dad still calls me
like 20 times a day

just to check up on me.

It's annoying, but I understand
that's how he shows love.

I was talking to my
friend here, and he

was like, oh, I haven't talked
to my dad in three weeks.

I'm like, what, is he in jail?

He was like, no,
I live with him.

I just haven't talked
to him in three weeks.

I'm like, you do understand,
if I don't call my dad back

in three hours,
he's going to call 911.

911, what's your emergency?

My son is dead!

It's like, sir, is everything
OK? Is your son dead?

He's like, no,
but he's dead to me.

OK, bye.

That's just how we love.

My parents, they've been
married for 38 years.

Yeah, 38 years.

It's beautiful, man.

It's beautiful, 38 years.

One time I asked my dad, I
was like, Dad, after 38 years,

do you still love Mom?

And he was like,
(LAUGHING) love?

Your mom married me to
escape communist China.

It's not love.
It's a good deal.

That's how we
show love, people.

I've been in this country
for almost 20 years now.

I think I feel
every bit American.

But I think other people
still don't see that.

As an Asian-American,
a lot of times, people see you

as Asian before
they ever see you as American.

Even still till today,
whenever I tell people

I'm from Hong Kong, this is
always the first thing they say.

They're like, oh, yeah,
you from Hong Kong?

Yeah, yeah, dude,
from Hong Kong, yeah?

Ni Hao.
I'm always like--

Like, do think that's
impressive or something?

I don't understand the
mindset behind that.

You coming up to
me to say, ni hao,

it's like me coming to
you guys after the show,

I'm like, oh, you
guys from here?

Yeah, y'all from here?
Hi.

It's not impressive.
It's annoying.

It's stupid.

I don't even like going
to Chinese restaurants

with some of
my friends anymore.

Because this is what
they do to me every time.

They're like, Jimmy,
do you speak Chinese?

Do you speak Chinese?
Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro.

They're gonna hook it up.
Order in Chinese.

Bro, bro,
order in Chinese, bro.

I'm like, bro, we're
at Panda Express.

She's Mexican.
Like, what--?

Her name tag says Consuela.

That's not Mandarin
or Cantonese.

Nothing has really
changed, you know?

Like about 10 years ago,
I went on a college trip

to Tijuana, Mexico.

Because that's just what a
good American college student

would do.

And the thing is, walking
into Mexico from the US,

they don't check anything.
They're just a big
revolving door.

You walk right in.
They don't even check your ID.

It's easier to get into
Mexico than a Costco.

You just walk in.
And that's it.

But coming back was a
totally different story.

Coming back from
Mexico to the US,

there's no more revolving doors.

Now it's a concrete
windowless tunnel with guards

with M-16 machine guns.

And I was super nervous,
being an immigrant and all.

And my college buddy,
Ian, next to me,

he was like, Jimmy,
don't worry, man.

Just tell him that
you're American.

They let you right through.

I'm like, easy for
you to say, Ian.

Ian walks up, he gets
through, no problem.

I walk up, the first thing
they ask me, they're like, sir,

are you an American citizen?

I was like, yes.

But I forgot one
very minor detail--

that I wasn't.

I was still an immigrant
on a green card,

and I wasn't a
full-on citizen yet.

Next thing you know, I was
detained in this 10 by 10 box,

and they started interrogating
me. They're like, sir,

why did you lie about
your American citizenship?

I was like, I'm so sorry.
I'm drunk

and I really
wasn't trying to lie.

My friend in front of me told
me to tell you I was American,

so that's just what I did.
It was a knee-jerk reaction.

He was like, well,
was he American?

I was like, well, his
name is Ian, so probably.

And then the officer
was like, sir,

you do understand this is
a very serious offense.

We could deport you for this.
I was like, deport me?

I didn't even know
that was an option.

What was I going to
do back in Hong Kong,

restart my ping pong career?

That ship has sailed, man.

So I was like, sir, please,
please, don't deport me.

I'm just a drunk,
stupid college.

I'm every bit American.

I can recite you every single
Jay-Z lyric if you want me to.

I'm in three fantasy
football leagues.

If that's not American,
I don't know what is.

And I got very lucky.
This is what he said.

He was like, look,
kid, you got lucky.

We're not gonna
deport you today, OK?

But just don't
ever do that again,

or we'll send you back
to where you came from.

And this motherfucker
was Asian.

I was like, where I came from?

We came from the
same place, dog?

I think I saw you at my
uncle's wedding two years ago.

Why you gonna throw
me under the bus?

That guy definitely watched
"The Great Wall" many times.

But that was a very
sobering experience.

I had been in the country
for 10 years at that point,

but I still wasn't American.

Nothing has changed.

I finally got my
citizenship three years ago.

And it's--

You don't have to clap. My point
is, nothing has changed.

Still Asian.

Just because I got a
new passport, nobody

in any part of the world
is gonna come up to me

and be like, hey, look,
there's an American!

Holy shit, look at him.
He looks just like Rocky Balboa.

Oh, my god.
No, no, no.

The first day I got my passport,
I was feeling real patriotic.

So I went to my local Hooters.

Yeah, I was drinking
a Coors Light.

I was watching a World Cup.

It was USA versus Mexico.

And I was like, man, I'm
cheering for Team USA.

I'm American, finally!

And this old Mexican
dude came up to me.

He couldn't really
speak English,

and this is what he said.

He was like, amigo!

Amigo, Mexico,
Korea, tomorrow, huh?

And I'm like, what the
fuck are you talking about?

What, are you trying to start
World War 3 or something?

I'm not a Korean.
He managed to insult me

with the only three
English words he knew.

So I really felt the
need to explain myself.

I was like, sir, I'm not--

I'm not Korean.
I'm Chinese.

And he looked back
to his friends,

he was like, oh,
, huh?

And I'm like, sir,
you do know that I can

understand what that means, OK?

I have Mexican friends
back home just like you.

He was like, no,
I'm not Mexican.

I'm El Salvador.

And I'm like, oh, great,
now I'm the fucking racist!

Nothing has changed.

The first time I used
my American passport,
I was feeling real good.

I was going to Winnipeg,
Canada to do some shows.

Have you guys even
been to Winnipeg?

Oh, you, really?

Are you guys from Winnipeg?

No, just general Canadian
pride, I appreciate that.

I don't think anybody
in their right mind
would go to Winnipeg.

Not that-- there's nothing
wrong with that city.

It's way too cold and
it's just not that fun.

I had to go there for
some work, so whatever.

But I felt good.
I walked through the border.

I was holding my blue passport,
and I slammed it down

in front of the Canadian
border patrol.

I'm like, I'm American, sir.

And he's like, OK.

I didn't ask you that, but OK.

Are you here for
business or pleasure?

And I was like, shit, I
didn't think that far.

I was obviously
there for business,

but I didn't get
a business visa.

So I looked him in the eyes.
I was like,

sir, I'm here for pleasure.

And he looked right back at me.
He was like, are you sure?

Because nobody comes to
Winnipeg for pleasure.

The next thing you know, I was
detained in this 10 by 10 box.

Nothing has changed.

I was hanging out with
Julian not too long ago,

1/3 of The Yellow Panthers.

We were just in LA on
Melrose getting some brunch.

And that's how you know two
minorities had made it--

avocado toasts.

We're just chilling, minding
our own business, right?

And this old man came
up to us, old guy.

He's wearing a hat that said,
Vietnam and Korea War vet.

I was like, damn, this guy
really hates Asian people.

Like, he survived us twice.

I better be careful.

But he was actually
a really nice guy.

He was a really nice
guy, complete stranger.

And he came up to me and Julian.

He was like, guys, what you
guys are doing right now,

it's exactly the Civil Rights
that I fought for in the '60s.

Keep it up.
And he just walked away.

I was like, what the fuck?

I didn't know there was a Civil
Rights march for avocado toast.

I was unaware.

And Julian was like,
no, no, no, no, no, he's

trying to say that he
fought for the right

for an Asian man and
a black man to hang

out in public with no judgment.

That's beautiful, right?

I was like, no, he didn't.

Jackie Chan fought for that shit
in "Rush Hour" 1, 2, and 3, OK?

Because representation matters.

That's how we do change.

I just want to see
more Asian people out there
doing their thing.

Don't listen to
your Asian parents.

Go pursue your dreams,
you know what I mean?

Go do your thing, man.
I just want to see

more Asian brothers
and sisters on TV.

Like look, there's nothing
more American than NFL Sunday,

than football Sunday.

But you don't ever
see one Asian person.

You don't see one Asian
person in the NFL.

I mean, we got that kicker,
Younghoe Koo, you know?

But he gets cut every two weeks.
So that doesn't--

I can't go buy a new Younghoe
Koo jersey every two weeks,

you know what I mean?

But what frustrates me, it's
even in the commercials.

Even in all the
football commercials,

you never see one Asian person.

Like all these great beer
commercials, you got everyone.

You got like, even
like dumb commercials

with, like, a white
guy climbing a Rocky

Mountain for Coors Light.
It's not even a good commercial.

They don't even sell you
on how good the beer is.

They sell you on how cold it is.

It's like brewed cold,
packaged cold, shipped cold.

I'm like, isn't it ultimately
up to my own refrigeration, sir?

Latinos got great
representation,

the Dos Equis Most
Interesting Man in the World.

That lasted like 15
years, one of the greatest

commercials of all time.

So I wrote own version of it.

It's called The Most
Asian Man in the World.

You got an Asian actor
on screen, an announcer

in the back, and the
music starts playing.

He graduated with a law degree,
but now he's a neurosurgeon.

He's 52 years old, but
everyone still checks his ID.

Whenever he takes a picture,
he throws up the victory sign.

You guys every
realize, the closer

the victory sign is to you
face, the more Asian you look?

Like, this is normal.

This is some Mainland
China WeChat shit,

-you know what I mean?

That is some--

He is the most Asian
man in the world.

And the Asian brother comes out.

(CHINESE ACCENT)
I don't always drink beer.

But when I do, my face turn red.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Thank you guys very much.

-You guys are amazing.

Thank you.

(SINGING) Let's
get wild tonight.

♪ Turn the fuck up
We're going out tonight ♪

♪ I've been
waiting all my life ♪

♪ Every time I go out,
I think I found my wife ♪

♪ I can't help but
turn down the lights ♪

♪ I'm gonna take
some down tonight ♪

♪ This shit is so hot ♪

♪ That's what it's sounding
like, like you want ♪

♪ to fuck around
tonight, bitch ♪

♪ I want you in every way ♪

♪ The passion burns and
it goes both ways ♪

♪ When we're not
together, I'm in pain ♪

♪ The mightiest ocean
couldn't put out this flame ♪

♪ I think she's
coming with me ♪

♪ You wanna say bye
but she leaves ♪

♪ Wanna say bye
but she leaves ♪

♪ Tears drop like autumn leaves,
tear drops, tear drops ♪

♪ You better make time
to breathe, yeah ♪