Jiminy Glick in Lalawood (2004) - full transcript

In the very beginning,

there is neither a script
nor a story.

Just fragments.

Images.

I like the idea
of a dark road,

for I know that the darkness
of the unknown

is like a magnet,

luring the innocent
into a world of corruption.

In 1958,
screen goddess Lana Turner

was drawn into
a violent love affair.

Nobody gives
Johnny stompanato
his walking papers!



Nobody!

Her daughter, Cheryl,

felt compelled to terminate
her mother's anguish.

Johnny stompanato's journey
ended that night in Hollywood,

while ours continues
to butte, Montana,

and our hero, an obscure
celebrity interviewer

named jiminy glick.

Welcome to lalawood.

And what excitement
we have today.

We have
one of the great stars,

the first lady

of butte, Montana's, stage,
miss Arlene sheehy.

Arlene.

You know,
I was counting,



and this is my 21st
appearance on your show.

Mmm.

And every appearance is
more thrilling than the last.

Yes, it really is,
it's an amazing thing.

You just have--

I think 'cause you're
just so interesting.

Thank you.
Right back at you.

This is gonna be good.

You're an actress,

but you also work
at the fragrance department

at Morgan's
department store.

How do you
balance the two?

Well, you know, I think
it's important for an artist

to have many avenues
to express themselves.

Would you do nudity?

If it was
tastefully done.

Well, it couldn't be, dear.

Well,
I can think of some--

no, it couldn't be.
Trust me, it couldn't be.

Your parents
were circus people.

What was that like?

Think of showboat,"
jiminy.

I love showboat!
Ava gardner!

You know what I loved
about Ava gardner?

She had that cleft
in her chin.

I think it's wonderful!

And Michael Jackson spent all
this money to get it surgically.

Don't even go there.
He's a sick, sick, sick man.

Can we talk
about that nose?

He's the father of three
and the mother of two.

That's an unusual boy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Listen,
I've heard a rumor

that you are going
to the Toronto film festival.

Oh, I am so excited.

It's the first time
I've ever--

and this is one of the biggest
festivals in north America.

I'm moist almost everywhere!
Oh, honey!

See you next week.
See you in Toronto.

I'm going!

Lynch: Going down
his own dark road.

Jiminy:
I'm a journalist.

Is it wrong for me
to ask for autographs?

'Cause I'm telling you,
if I see Reese Witherspoon,

I'm gonna plotz,
as the Jewish people say.

♪ We're going all night,

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ we're going all night... ♪

Oh, look at
that big building.

Oh!

Oh...look at that!

Oh, that's
a phallic-looking thing!

Remind you of anybody?

No.

♪ I'm gonna pick you up ♪

♪ the top is down ♪

♪ and here we go,
who cares how far? ♪

♪ They all make room...♪

Jiminy: You know, when we
get to that hotel room,

we're having
a mommy-daddy moment,

I'm telling you that
right now.

♪ We're goin' crazy ♪

♪ everyone's moving ♪

♪ so come and get me ♪

♪ if you can ♪

♪ we're going all night ♪

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ and when the daylight comes ♪

♪ gonna beg for more ♪

When I say a little kiss,
I don't need

Ethel merman's tongue
shoved in my throat.

I just don't need it.

♪ And I really like ♪

♪ the way the music speaks ♪

♪ I think I'll dance
till the sun comes up ♪

♪ we're goin' crazy ♪

♪ everyone's moving ♪

♪ so come and get me ♪

Now, Canadians, you know
what they remind me of?

They look like Russians

who are pretending
to be Americans.

There's often a unibrow,

and hygiene doesn't seem
to be that important.

And always that constant stench
of cigarettes and booze.

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

Oh, this is just super!

Man: It's Ben di Carlo!

Come on, boys.
Very good job.

Come on.

Hello.

Is that anyone?

It's fine with me
if you wanna oblige them.

Shoulder pads
aren't a problem.

Oh, let's go.

It's Ben di Carlo!

Oh, you horrible,
wretched little girls!

Anybody? Anybody?
Nah, too old.

Okay,
thanks a lot, folks.

This is gonna hurt us more
than it's gonna hurt you.

I'm gettin'
too old for this.

Ben di Carlo!

He is one good-looking boy,
I'll tell you that.

Oh, he's in the elevator.
He's a fine-looking boy.

I guess.
I don't really get it.

It's just a guy thing,
I guess.

We don't see it the same way.
But he's an enigma!

What does
"an enigma" mean?

Ugh! Ignorance!

I'm surrounded by their
ignorance every second
of the day.

I can smell the ignorance.
Come on. Let's go.

I wasn't ready!

I don't know
what's so complicated

about you getting an SUV.

Not a minivan.
I didn't ask for no minivan.

We are here for our movie,
the littlest roach.

Excuse me, um...

What's going on?
How could I help you?

I just wanted to know
where check-in was.

Actually,
just right around the corner.

Why you talking to him?
I'm right here in your face.

You know,
I'm relieved to see

that there are some
black people in Canada.

There's about
a dozen of them,

a baker's dozen,
someone told me.

Oh, my god,
Miranda coolidge.

...about the film.
I know.

This is a new type
of role for you, no?

This film is so
beautifully directed

by, um...

...and the lighting,
which is so...

Hey, Miranda, man,
what is up in the daytime?

I'm in an interview
right now.

I am waiting for you now
there is 15 minutes
by the elevator, okay?

Excuse me, round person,
that is the end
of the interview.

Round?
Hey!

Do not be
so loud in public.

You need
to fuck off now.

I cannot fuck off.

You need to find
some other person to annoy

and get the fuck
out of my face.

She was a big drunk
for a while, though.

I know.
She looks good.

They say she's
barely insurable.

Take this terrible machine.
You cannot speak this.

This is terrible machine.
It goes away.

Don't touch my stuff.
Don't touch me, man.

I am not a homoist.

She's definitely--
that's not a normal look.

You gotta stop this
right now.

This is not going
to happen here, man.

This is Toronto
film festival, man.

You can't be
a smelly person

with your tits hanging out
all over the place.

You've got to go upstairs
and be a good girl, okay, man?

Come with me.
Mommy's gonna go upstairs.

Interviewer:
Thank you.

Man: Don't kiss him.
Don't kiss him.

It's a room key.
I cannot get it out.

Reach into my asshole
and take this out of my pants.

Take that away.
Can you feel it there?

Yeah.
Don't touch my ass!

Hello, yes, it's jiminy
and Dixie glick checking in.

Dixie:
G-l-i-c-k.

Yes, and we have two boys
who are under--

who are 8 years of age.

They're 8?
Yes.

They're big
for their age.

How can I prevent her
from getting intoxicated?

How can I prevent her
from talking to stringers?

I don't know.
That's why I hire you.

She was doing fine. Mom was
answering the questions fine.

Natalie, baby,
you are beautiful woman.

Why do you speak?

You look great.
People in the room say,

"look at the girl.
She has wonderful tits.

I go upstairs alone,
and I rub against things."

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry, I don't have
anything for glick.

G-l-i-c-k.
G-l-i-c--

this is our itinerary.

Dixie.
Itin-itiner--

Dixie and jiminy.

How do you say that word?
Say that word.

Itinerary.
I can't say it.

"I-tint-er-ary,"
or whatever it is.

Ooh, I can't wait
to take a hot bath.

Nice. I had a laser...

Oh...

Yeah, this isn't a
reservation for the Fairmont.

It's a reservation
for the fairmount.

Oh.
The fairmount.

What is
the fairmount like?

Gee, that's
a nice-sized beaver.

Thank you.

No, I'm talking
about this fella here.

Although yours
is nicely...

...shaped.

What's that?

What?

Yes, hello.

Excuse me, do you work
for the hotel?

No, I'm David lynch.

I'm, um, a director.

Well, who isn't, dear?
And I bet you have a treatment.

As a matter of fact,
I do.

I--i--i like the idea
of--of a dark road,

um, uh,

...for I know that darkness
is like a magnet...

..To madness.

The story I'm creating

is a mystery dipped
and drowning in despair.

It involves a small-time
celebrity interviewer...

Normally, I would kill
to hear the rest of it,

but they're doing
a retrospective

on Joey Travolta on e!

On the siblings
of celebrities series,

and I'm gonna buggy-whip myself
if I miss one frame!

Okey-dokey.

Are you the glicks?

I've been waiting
for you.

Oh, that's kinda...

Come, boys, come.

Bring
the bags.

Don't drop anything!

Jiminy: Gee, this lobby smells
like Courtney love's couch.

All right, now, y'all,
we cannot put this off anymore.

Both of you have been in
a little trouble at school.

Jiminy: What's
the concern here?

It's sexual.

What sexual concerns
have you?

Well, I don't really know
where babies come from.

You are 13.

He's 13. Have you
not spoken to the boy?

I had to explain to you
how babies come.

I know, because my mother
was illiterate,

and she didn't
educate me at all.

But I don't want him
to live through the torment!

I was 21, boys,
and totally uninformed.

Things would happen to me
in the downstairs world,

and I would
go to emergency.

I'd say, "what's happened?
Have I been stung by a bee?"

And they'd laugh at me.

And that's not the kind of thing
I want to have happen to you.

This makes you
look bad as a mother.

I beg your pardon!

When you have
two boys like this

coming out of your loins
at the same time,

I believe you've done
your duty as a momma.

What does that have
to do with the fact

that they don't
understand about sex?

That's not my problem.

It's way above and beyond
the call of duty.

At a certain point,
the male father--

the male father daddy--

he looks
at his wife lady,

and he says,
"mmm. I love--"

Are you gonna just burp
through all this explanation?

I'm trying
to talk to the boys

about something that
they should know.

At one point,

the father
looks at the mother,

and she says--
what are you looking for?

My napkin.

This is how babies are born.
I want you to listen carefully.

Papa--papa male boy--

looks at the lady
and says, "oh, my god.

Is that shalimar
you're wearing?"

And you go up to her
and sniff.

You sniff her intensely,

and the next thing you know,
there's a writhing,

and there's a moaning
and a groaning,

and that's just getting
the pants off.

Dagmar, you Danish queer,
man, get me my money.

How am I going to
advertise this film? Good-bye.

I'm not secure.

You be secure, now.

I'm not secure
with this movie.

Be secure, man.

We maybe
have acted unwisely.

Are you serious
right now?

Yes.

I thought last night
was so sweet and beautiful.

I can't believe
you're saying that.

I think you need
to reconsider...

I think you're scared.

...your options here.

I think you're scared of
what my mom is gonna think,

and I'm telling you,
she thinks it's cool.

She knows I go both ways.

We got a serious problem.

I done showed y'all
this hardcore,

and you startin' to punk out
with your little African stuff.

You got to be
more Brooklyn!

Listen, man,
I'm not from Brooklyn.

I'm from debumbwe,
and I want to go home.

This is not who I am.

I don't care if it's
who you are,
this is who you is.

You understand
what I'm saying?

There's a difference
between "are" and "is."

First of all, your language,
man--it ain't hard enough.

No, man, you never say
enough tough stuff.

What should I say?

Like "nah-mean."
Just watch mtv.

You hear how many times
people say, "nah-mean?"

Give me an example
for real.

I be gettin' mad with people--
"nah-mean?"

You got to be
in there with it.

I would bitch-slap
all 17 of my bitches,

yao ming?

No, that's
the basketball player!

Not yao ming!
"Nah-mean!"

Nah-mean.
Yeah.

And then there's
the 5-second rule.

Tell him about it.

When you say something,
it means you mean it

if you hold your face
for five seconds.

People won't fuck with you,
but you gotta surprise 'em.

Man, I'll knock
your ass out!

1...2...3...4...5.

See? I'm for real.
I'm for real!

Yao ming?
Nah-mean!

Hi.
Oh, hi!

Hi, Sharon Campbell,
festival coordinator.

We've been waiting for you.
Oh, this is fun.

These are my two boys.

Oh, look at you!

Modine.
Hello.

And this is Matthew.
They're twins.

I can see that.

We named them
after Matthew modine,

because we were a big fan
of his work in birdy.

Brilliant actor.

This is my wife Dixie.
Hello!

Dixie glick.
How are you?

Listen, we have something
dripping from our ceiling.

Would you excuse me
while I clean it off?

Lord knows what it could be.
Hope it's not human waste.

I'm gonna clean it up.

If it's human waste,
save some for me.

What does that mean?

We have you all set

for the premiere tonight,
with Ben, the big one.

Everybody's slated
to be there.

I'm a huge, huge
Ben di Carlo fan.

This is just gonna
be the best!

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

Jiminy: It's just so rare
that there's an event

of excitement in the world
of show business.

It's so unusual for people
to get dressed up and assemble

to celebrate themselves.

I think that's
what makes this night

so very special
and unique to its own.

Oh, who's here?

From the back, I think
it's alanis morissette.

Or it could be Mickey Rourke.
Often I get those two confused.

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ and in the daylight ♪

♪ is gonna beg for more ♪

This way, kiefer.
Kiefer!

Kiefer, kiefer,
kiefer sutherland!

Kiefer, kiefer,
kiefer, kiefer.

Kiefer, kiefer.

Kiefer, kiefer.
Kiefer, kiefer.

This way, kiefer.

Kiefer.

♪ And I really like the way ♪

♪ the music's feelin' ♪

♪ think I'll dance
till the sun comes up ♪

Oh, my god,
it's Cedric the entertainer!

Oh, I love you!

I ain't no
Cedric the entertainer.

I'm Randall
"big phallus" bookerton.

My boy's got a new
little movie coming out.

We just wanna thank god for
letting us write that bitch.

Obviously, they speak
for gangsta rap and attitudes--

dear, let me finish--

attitudes that happen
in the streets,

places like Compton,
places I've never been.

Kiefer, kiefer!

Kiefer, kiefer, kiefer!

The wonderful Holly hunter
is here tonight,

and I can't wait
to meet Holly

because Holly is someone
that my wife Dixie and I

have often role-played.

She'll be Holly hunter
and I'll be garth Brooks,

and we'll dress up.

She'll wear a hoop skirt,
and sometimes I will.

Kiefer, kiefer!

Kiefer, kiefer!

Kiefer's coming back!

I like him now.

Well, I thought
he had passed us.

I despised the boy.
I thought he was arrogant.

Now he's coming by
to do press.

Now he's my new
best friend.

I love the shallowness
of it all!

And you're Canadian, I hear.
What's that about?

Um, well, this is
a fantastic country.

What is that about?
Um...

That was my question,
dear.

I know. I'm trying to--
I've never actually had to--

eventually,
the show will start.

Don't you wanna just
finally answer it?
Yeah...

What is it about? For me,
it's been a fantastic--

it's where I come from,
and it's, um...

What?
Canada.

You're Canadian?
I didn't know that.

Yes, it's true.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,

the executive producer
of growing up Gandhi,

Barry king.

Hello. Bonjour.

I am Barry king.

What is genius?

Can we touch genius?

Can we taste genius?

My husband jiminy
is a reporter.

Yes, I do--i--I'm going
to review this film

for butte, Montana.

Or must we also be a genius
to recognize genius,

the way dogs are able
to recognize other dogs

or the homosexuals

can always suss out
other gays in clubs and bars?

Gaydar.

You look up the word "fun"
in the dictionary,

you'll see our picture.

Please say hello
to Ben di Carlo.

Wonderful!
Ha ha ha!

Stand up, everyone!

So, this is my homage
to Mahatma Gandhi...

...who, for those of you
who don't recognize the name,

was this wise old man
from Indiana who--

India--

who...well, you'll see.

You know Ben di Carlos?

We met in Vegas
at showest years ago.

Showest? A strip club?
You show your puss?

For those of you
who are new to art movies,

I'll just give you
a little helping hint--

keep an eye out for the--
the falling Rose petals.

I guess that's it.
Thanks.

Narrator: The world remembers
Mahatma Gandhi

as a great man of peace.

But in the beginning...

Mahatma, bite his ear!
Bite his ear off!

That is my boy!
That is my boy!

Mahatma, move him in!

Take him over the top, baby,
over the top!

What the hell
am I watching here?

I have made crap that is
better movies than this

in my own toilet.

Jiminy!

What?
Wake up!

I am.
You have to review that--

it's over!

Mahatma. Mahatma.

Mahatma!

Man: Brutal.

Girl: What did they think
they were doing?

Oh, man, the money
they blew on that.

Hey, Barry king, man.
What?

This terrible movie
you make, man.

It's like a goose
farting in your face.

Were you asleep?

No, I was letting
the words drift over me.

Well, you've got
to review it.

I'm gonna review it.

We've gotta go.
Who is that?

We go now to our
entertainment correspondent,

jiminy glick, reporting live
from the Toronto film festival.

Jiminy?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my goodness, we are having
such a hoot here in Canada.

And everywhere you look,
there are movie stars.

It's quite exciting.
It's truly electric.

But if you want to know
what's really electric,

it's the film
I've just seen tonight

starring the wonderful
Ben di Carlo, entitled...

Growing up Gandhi.

Get up, fool!
Get up, fool!

Jiminy: Growing up Gandhi
tells the story

of a scantily clad
Mahatma Gandhi,

and because he's
almost always bare naked,

the girls just go nuts
over him.

Back off, bitch!
Oh, you little--!

That's unacceptable.

I loved it!

It has such an emotional
punch to the stomach.

Not unlike the punch

that no doubt
Johnny stompanato took

when Lana Turner shoved
that knife into his belly.

Or was it the daughter,
Cheryl crane?

We'll never really know,
will we?

Anyway,
I'd talk some more,

but I'm going off
to meet some movie stars!

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ and it just ain't right ♪

♪ there's gotta be a man
to ignite my flame... ♪

So, anyway,
you have to see it to...

Excuse me.

...because it's...

Excuse me,
can I help you?

You're just wonderful.

Well, thank you.
And you are...?

Jiminy glick.
Chimney?

Jiminy glick.
Jiminy.

I'm covering this. Some press.
We're doing some interviews.

Oh, very good.
You're from--you're local?

I'm from the middle west.
Butte, Montana.

Butte, Montana?
Yes.

And you're in Toronto?

Well, it's so weird
they sent me here--

there are no
film festivals in butte?

Oprah Winfrey, how do you do
what you do so consistently?

I stomp
on everyone I can.

And you're despised
by so many.
But not by me.

I live for that.

And remember to
spell my name right--

o-p-e-r-a.

I'm sorry.
You were saying?

Whew! I had
so much fun last night.

Yeah, it was fun.

You've met Demi Moore.
She's a down gal.

Isn't she cute?

We were doing jell-o shots
all night long.

You know those breasts
have been altered by surgery.

I know.
Haven't they all.

This is
what Hollywood does--

they alter people with surgery.
I think it's good.

I'll tell you
who was cute, though,

was that...Julie Moore--
Julie?

Julianne Moore.

She was fun!

You would've loved
Julianne Moore.

You would've wanted
to mount her.

I got her smoking,
and she's pregnant!

Why would you do
something like that?

For the heck of it.
For the fun of it.

You know, Kevin kline, he had
an attitude I didn't appreciate.

Really?
Yes, he did.

I found him
delightful.

I loved him
in Sophie's choice.

I don't remember
anything else he's done,

and I told him that.

And suddenly
he looks at me

like I'm this idiot
or this fool.

And you know what?
I resented it.

And suddenly I decided I
hated him in Sophie's choice.

Oh!
Look who's at the door.

Good morning!
Good morning to you!

Yeah!

Look who's here!
Hey, girl!

I'm sorry
to interrupt.

Did you survive
last night?

Listen, I know
y'all have to talk business,

and, you know what? I've got
to go give the boys a bath.

Come on, boys.
Gotta hose you down.

It's Thursday.
Gotta get into the deep folds.

Okay, momma.

Raise those arms,
get those problem areas.

No yawping, boys. Your mother's
doing this 'cause she loves you.

Now, tell me about today.
I am...I am so scared.

Are you scared?

Well, I'm scared and
I'm excited and I'm frightened.

It's kind of how I feel
when I go to the proctologist.

I've never been.
I just keep--
it's wonderful.

There's, um...Boy,
I was up all last night,

just kind of
going over the names

and the lists
and the things, and...

We saw Nicole Kidman.
I'd love to talk to her.

I'd love to find out what
happened to she and Tom.

I'd really get to it.
I'd find out about scientology.

So far,
there's nothing, um...

Lined up for the, uh,
the actual interviews today.

There is nothing lined up
for the interviews today?

There's no interviews
so far today.

Have you put in our names?

I've put in your names,

and, honestly, I'm just not
getting the kind of response--

what about...You said,

"all these years of experience
in the film business."

Why hasn't that
paid off connections?

I thought everything
was about connections.

So, my conn...
The connections--

the work that I've been
doing for the eight years

has been
in the video store.

I work in a video store.

Well, this is--

This is kind of
disappointing, isn't it?

Oh, dear lord...

...who shines his bright rays,
and created the earth

in seven days,
which isn't much, lady!

If the dear lord could create
earth and heaven and light...

...and continents--
let me finish!

And oceans, and whales--

I am not Jesus.

Well, he wasn't Jesus
at the time.

I'm talking about the dad.

The dad did it, and if he
can do it in seven days,

why can't you
do it in two?

You know what? I can do it
by the end of the day.

I will have your interview
by the end of the day.

Look at me.
Look at me.

Do I have your trust?

No.

I just feel like
like I'm in my--

I'm not in what I
would call my element.

Yes, I understand.

People ain't giving me
no kind of respect here.

This is a terrible door!

The next hole,
just take it out.

Goddamn this door!
This is a door for a clown!

Yes, go on.

What I'm trying to say is,

I wrote this nice
little animated piece,

and ain't nobody
respecting it, understand?

I understand.

I need to find out
how to get to them.

There's Jeff goldblum.

Jeff goldblum!
Look at that! He's so fly.

Like he's gonna
ever talk to me.

Oh, come on.

Okay,
let's just keep walking.

What you need to do
is become a party negro.

You have to talk. You have to
have schmoozes with the juden.

You are proud man.
You are great blackist.

You are one of the great--

you have beautiful
gold things on you.

A crown made from pants.
You should be king.

Are you? Are you
the king of the negroes?

I ain't the king, but I do admit
that I do get a little respect

when I walk into a negro area.

I'm so proud of you.

No one's gonna talk to me.
They will, they will.

Nobody's like you.
I love you so much, baby.

It's a massacre. It's like
pol pot with these reviews.

Pol pot.
Oh, Christ, ira.

It's like Hannibal Lecter
wrote the reviews.

Go, go. Come on, run,
you little fuck.

Oh...

Go!

Come on, go.
Dude, I'm in the bedroom.

So, um...

Get the cheese!
Get the cheese!

Yeah, I got the whole--
I got some of these--

fuckin' cheese!

I got the reviews.

No, no, no!

Meow!
Damn it!

Have to start over
at the kitchen again!

God!
This is so confusing!

You want me to call
the x-box people about this?

Should be--
4 to 8, my ass.

You wanna hear these?
I'm just gonna read 'em to you

so you get some idea of the
level of incompetence out here.

This review--it's not even
a review. They just list stuff.

You know-- hindenburg,
Titanic, Vietnam.

It's about India.
I know.

I didn't make a war movie.

You're right.
It's a very personal attack.

Again...

How much do we have to
explain to these people?

You explained
plenty, too.

I mean, that's why you went
up there in the first place.

You notice they're all hiding
behind black-and-white words

'cause you can't see
what they look like,

'cause if I saw them
on the street, I'd kick
their fucking asses.

You have every reason to do
that. Every right to do that.

And I could.
Blah, blah...

"Di Carlo's performance is
a rehash of his ozone character,

albeit with smaller biceps."

Small--
smaller biceps?

Of course I had smaller biceps!
It's Gandhi! He didn't eat!

Goddamn it!

None of 'em get it!
None of 'em get shit!

Damn it!

I wasn't doing bicep curls,
or tris, or lats!

None of that shit! I was doing
all the spinning and shit!

Looked like a fag in there,
with all the lycra

and all those fucking guys
looking at me and shit.

You don't have
to wear that.

God...bless America!

Just calm down.
Go to the minibar.

This is what
I'm talking about.

This is what
these critics choose to--

because they're the kids
in high school
that I picked on,

and they're getting their
revenge, just like you!

Aah!
Jesus, like--

I'm going home!

Canada, you suck!

And where's my nail file?

Fuck!

Not one! Not one good review!
The little...!

You can make up something else
for why I'm leaving,

'cause this is bullshit, bar.

And this--this--
this shampoo here sucks!

Ira, who is this--
jiminy glick?

Jiminy:
This is sensational!
Ha ha ha ha!

I'm lovin' what you're
giving me, my lady!

Oh! Ah!

Who possibly could be
interrupting me

in the throes of passion?

Jiminy!

Ow!

Yes? Is there any way I can be
of assistance to you?

I'm terribly sorry
to interrupt.

Um, I'm just here
to tell you

that I did manage
to get an interview.

Oh.
Yeah.

It is none other than...
Ben di Carlo.

Ben di Carlo?
Ben di Carlo.

Oh, you're kidding!

Oh, that's wonderful!

I'm not kidding!
I know!

Dixie, stop pleasuring
yourself for a second.

We've got Ben di Carlo
as an interviewee!

That's wonderful!

Come on back to bed.

Good on you.

You're bearing gifts yourself,
I can see, so I won't keep you.

You've seen
the crown jewels.
I have.

And the scepter.

Queen for the day,
I feel like.

And I feel
things are amping up.

I am so excited.
Thank you.

I've got
some unfinished business,

if you know what I mean.

I gotta do it.

I'm so excited.
You really did good.

I am sitting beside
Hollywood's most reclusive

and elusive--

and I think
they mean different things--

Ben di Carlo.

Ha ha!
How are you?

I'm great.

You didn't do interviews
for a long time, long time.

Four and a half years.
Why didn't you?

What made you stop,
and what made you start,

and will you do it again,
and will you stop again,

and if you stop again,
what will make you start again?

I think I was just really
grotesquely misunderstood.

At the beginning,
at the beginning
of the journey.

At the beginning
of the journey.

You know,
I come from a good place,

and that's all
that matters.

This film,
growing up Gandhi,

I loved it,
as I said in my review!

It's really going
to be a huge success.

Yeah.

And he was persian.

Indian.

He was not "from here."

No. Definitely not.

Wonderful. And you shaved
your body hair.

Everything.

Is it true that you shaved
your down-there hair?

It's one of those things
that wasn't on camera,

but it helped me
as an actor.

Wonderful.

And I swam naked

so that I would feel
streamlined and built for speed.

I didn't know
he was a swimmer.

Well, I think--i mean,

'cause you can't walk,
obviously, from India to Asia,

so he had to swim
at some point.

Someone said he'd walked--

I think the bellman said he
walked to england at one point,

in a huff.

Yeah.
Why'd he do that?

Well, 'cause the english people,
they were being dicks, too.

Everyone was being
a dick to him.

You know, there was still
casting going on back then,

so you had, like,
you know,

the high-up muslims
that had a lot of money,

and then you had, like,
the down-low ones

that shined your shoes

that weren't allowed to
look at you and talk to you.

It's kind of like
what we have in Hollywood,

but on a bigger scale.

Let's talk about all
the different

Hollywood ladies
you've balled.

You've balled
so many ladies.

The ladies seem to love
to ball you,

and they seem to love
to be balled by you.

I'm truly blessed.

I'm telling you, I know
where you're coming from,

'cause I'm one of these guys
that needs it regular.

I need a nightly pop
from my lady.

And sometimes Dixie's
awake for it.

Usually not.

Ambien
and some k-y, right?

Oh, my god!
Ambien and k-y!

But you know what
I've started doing?

For a long time, I was
taking the k-y orally.

Yes.
It's not necessary.

The Ambien I was
totally confused about.

Let's talk about some of
the other films you've made,

'cause you've made so many
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful,

wonderful, wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful

...films.

You made...You made...
You made...

You made...

You made ozone.

Tell me about ozone.

Ozone was--
I loved ozone!

Thank you.

But Larry ozone is from
the future or the present?

He's from the future,
but he comes to the present.

Wonderful, wonderful.

And then goes back
to the future,

and then actually the present
gets to the future,

so I guess it's kind of...

And in ozone ii:
The reckoning,
we don't know

what's the present, what's the
future, and where we're headed.

Right.

That's where
you met Tara Reid.

I may have to plead
the ninth on this one

'cause I don't want to
really get into that--

♪ it's raining men,
hallelujah ♪

Sorry.

♪ It's raining men ♪

Hello?

No, Dixie. No.

If it's the afternoon,
it's thorazine.

Don't get those mixed up
again, okay? Bye-bye.

Sorry. It's my wife.

She phones, and she's
on so much medication!

You're good people.

You're a helluva guy.

This has been such fun,
such total...

Whoa, sorry.
Let me get that. Thank you.

I want to say,
Ben di Carlo, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being
who you happen to be.

The rest of the world,
eat your heart out!

I got an exclusive!

Thank you!

Male voice on television:
Lights...

Camera...

Access.

And so the star
of this year's

prestigious
Toronto film festival

is not Colin Farrell
or Miranda coolidge,

or any of the Hollywood

celebrity heavyweights
that attended,

but instead a heavyweight
celebrity interviewer

by the name of jiminy glick.

Who's jiminy glick, you ask?

If the name doesn't
ring a bell, it soon will.

Glick has been catapulted
from showbiz obscurity

to overnight media stardom

as a result of his snagging
the exclusive one-on-one

with megastar bad boy
Ben di Carlo,

who hadn't granted a single
interview in over five years.

Maybe I'd better look out.
There's a new kid on the block.

You're darn right!

Where are
those kids' parents?

I think they went
to a screening.

Ha ha ha ha!

Be on with you!
Or be off with you, I mean!

Oh, shit!

Darling.
Oh, my god.

Look at you.
Look at this wonderful outfit.

Are you working out?

You know, you're looking
like you're toning up.

I had my ass stapled,

which I think
I got it all mixed up.

Bye, baby.

She is luscious.
She is everything that's woman.

Jiminy? He's hot!

I've only strayed
with Dixie four times,

that was when I was in a trip
to Bangkok promoting a book,

a deal
that never worked out.

Do you ever wish you were
in front of the camera?

Um...well, i--i am
in front of the camera.

Well, then I need a reel,
I think.

Oh, my god,
Ben, how are you?

Nice to see you.

You're the only one
he wanted to talk to.

Oh, that's
some strong perfume.

You stand for everything
that is American,

everything that's strength.

Sorry.
It's okay.

You okay? You got it?

I have such a buildup of saliva
sometimes, it's overwhelming.

Good to see you, forrest.
God bless you.

The wonderful Forrest Gump.

Why have you not asked me
to be on your show?

I've been so crushed!

It's a mistake I've made,
and it's my people that I blame.

It's your handlers.

I'd love to be one
of your handlers, young lady!

You are a beauty.

Oh, my god!
Miranda coolidge! Miranda!

Miranda! Oh, my goodness!
It's jiminy glick!

So lovely to see you.

How do you feel about doing
all these lesbian scenes?

Well, I think lesbians
have been criticized a lot.

I think
they're interesting.

Do they like the term
"lesbian" or "dyke"?

I'm never sure anymore.

You know, I think they do
prefer "dyke" if they're big.

And your work on global poverty
has moved people.

You feel that no one
in the world should be poor.

No one should be poor.

See, I just think that,
with all due respect,

if you didn't have
poor people,

how would you ever
get crowd scenes?

You know,
I don't know.

See, and that's--

and you know we need 'em.

Okay, jelly man,
this is enough.

She's baby, too young to talk.
Go away.

And you're the producer
of the film.

Everybody here,
many celebrities

with false asses,
you know?

They have come here, they make
the movies--terrible movies!

We've got to go. We're
really pressed for time.

They make movie
that is like a kitten

that has made a picture
of its ass in the mud.

This movie is wonderful.
You watch, fat.

Pull harder,
you foxy-looking
piece of ass.

Mud's good for you.

There's something in here,
and it's biting me.

Wonderful.
She looks so pretty.

Yes, she does.

And so does
the other one.

Big girl.

Aw, quit your bitchin'
and junk. I'm comin'.

Comin' in.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ put your hand in mine ♪

♪ and leave the care
of the world behind ♪

♪ 'cause you're here now ♪

♪ with me ♪

♪ you should know ♪

♪ That this bead of gold ♪

♪ of every verb
from your lips ♪

♪ Says I love you so ♪

♪ and you're here now ♪

♪ Baby ♪

Psst...

Would you like some popcorn?
It's awfully good.

I'm not falling for
that old diner trick again.

Besides,
the last time I did it,

I couldn't even
find it in there.

It's in there, dear.
Yeah.

Trust me. I've got
the salt burns to prove it.

Too much energy.

How are you?
Jiminy!

How can you be
great movie star actress

if you are
smelly with drink?
Blah, blah.

Don't blah-blah.
This is absolutely true.

You're not me.
You don't own me.

Is not just for me
that you should not be
smelly all the time.

There is no easiness now to make
insurance for your movies.

Why? Why is this?

It's, like, not--
you know,
what is your problem?

You tell me why
there is no insurance.

I have give two blow jobs
to english insurance people...

I'm not homoist!
I'm a man!

...and go annoy
some other major...

I am on my knees
like a German teenager

to english people with
rotten teeth in their mouths

because you cannot be
not smelly with drunk

while you're
at your own party.

No one is looking at
your great performance. Why?

Because you are in corner

sucking on an ice statue
of ving rhames.

You are like
a terrifying Asian woman

who is covered with piss!

If you don't think
I don't know

about the fucking
stand-in, you're wrong!

Excuse me?

I know about
the goddamn stand-in.

Say again?

I know about the makeup,
the lady who does the sewing.

I know.

I know about
the gardener's daughter.

Didn't think I know
about that, you fucker!

You don't know
about gardener.

♪ If you got somethin' ♪

♪ and you're not frontin' ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ show me what you got ♪

I'm homesick.

I know, I know.

There's not enough
monkey milk to go around.

You can't suck
your own goat.

There's not enough women

walking around
with their shirts off.

Watch your hole, mondavi.
Right over there, look at that.

Who has that--
I mean, no offense,

but I'm looking
at mount Everest,

and I'm a set of skis.

I want to ski
to the bottom.

We need that little
fat bastard there
to come see our movie,

until he do,
we ain't gettin' nowhere.

You get me.

I get you because
you are so luscious.

You can see me.

What is happening
in this booth, man?

Are you guys having
a fuck without me, man?

How are you?

The only reason
that you are here,

Mr. Danish land o' lakes
butter head.

I'm not Danish!

Is because of me.
I have to wring it out.

It's because of me.
It's because of me.

Hold on.
Very important for you--

it's not like they said,
"we're gonna come

to the Toronto film festival
to see Andre divine."

My god!
Where is your penis, man?

I'm sorry.

♪ Best respect me--
I'm for real ♪

♪ got bitches on my lap,
gonna make 'em squeal ♪

♪ I am the party--
I rap the mic ♪

♪ smoke the pipe--you know
we gonna make it psych ♪

♪ it's goin' off the hook ♪

♪ posse's in the back,
and the place is packed ♪

♪ it's going off the hook ♪
♪ yeah ♪

♪ like a locomotive
lettin' off some steam ♪

♪ I'm pullin' on her whistle,
gonna make her scream ♪

♪ she's in my pocket,
lookin' for some fun ♪

♪ oh, yeah, you got it--
nah, that ain't my gun ♪

♪ bitches and hoes,
go to your cribs and get it ♪

♪ keep your hands in the air,
'cause I gots to know ♪

♪ 200 years, kept down ♪

♪ kept down ♪

It's your party!
Scream!

It's goin' all
the way back, y'all!

The guy's killin' it!
Kill it, boy!

My man j.G.!
Gangsta, baby!

I can't believe
that Miranda coolidge

is sitting to my right.

In the flesh
and bones, baby.

We could go upstairs
and maybe talk
about my script.

'Sup, yo?

Oh, Dixie.

Dixie! Dixie!

Dixie!

Jiminy, what?

I don't know. I--

oh, I had the most
frightening dream.

I need to be held.

Jiminy, please.
Come on, I took that nembutal.

Yeah, but--
you're on my arm now.

Jeesh.

What is the matter with you?
Where have you been?

Look at you
in your clothes!

It was just so confusing.
I don't--it's all a whirl.

Aah!

What?

What are you screaming about?
It was a dream!

Oh, I'm so ashamed!

What? Why?

I had this...
This--this dream where...

I woke up, and I was--

I was lying in bed
with Miranda coolidge.

It was a dream!
Oh!

Remember?
I said it was a dream.

I was having a dream.
I'm sorry. Yeah, okay.

But it seemed so real,
you know?

So, okay,
so I wake up,

and I'm next lying
beside Miranda coolidge.

It is a dream!
I'm sorry.

I'm dreaming!

I'm sorry.
I lost my head.

Remember when I said
it was a dream? Remember?

It was a second ago
I said that.

I know you did.
I'm with you, I'm with you.

Okay, so, you know what?
With all due respect,

I'm gonna just wander
over here for that, all right?

Because I've lost
all the hearing here.

I'm calm, I'm calm.
I'm so sorry, baby.

I just--
I don't think.

Anyway,
this is the bad part.

Not only do I wake up in bed
next to Miranda coolidge--

oh!

It's a dream!

In the dream, I woke up
next to Miranda coolidge!

I am so sorry!

So to throw things at me
to hit me is nuts!

But then again, you're nuts.

So it all works out.

But here's the other issue.

I can tell
you're upset.

Well,
I am upset because--

she was covered in blood!

And she was dead.

And I'm so afraid that I
might have killed her because--

shh. Shh.

Can you please
close the lips?

Close the little lips.
You would not hurt a fly.

Look at you.

You're just sweatin'
like Whitney Houston.

I know I'm sweating.

Just wipe yourself off.

Oh, my--
oh! Jiminy!

M.C.!

M.c. What does that
stand for?

Miranda coolidge!

I'm sorry!

Oh, gosh!
Oh, honey, baby!

If I could take back
that moment, I would.

Listen. You listen to me,
and you listen to me good.

You are a wonderful man.

But I'm a murderer!
There was a murder!

Stay on my bosom.
You are a wonderful man.

And I'm gonna tell you
somethin' else--

you are going to be interviewing
Miranda coolidge this afternoon.

You're gonna see that she's
all okay, that you're okay.

You know what this is?
This is a nosebleed.

Maybe she--

it's open!

You're a nutty man.

I don't have any hearing
now in this ear.

Oh...

It's open!

Good morning.

Hi.
Hi.

It's a different day.
It's a different day.

It is, yes.

You wouldn't believe everything
that's been going on.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Ben di Carlo--
Ben di Carlo is gone.

What do you mean--?

Apparently, he shredded
his hotel room.

He was upset and he left town.
Nobody knows where.

He trashed it!
That cliché!

Brought the room down
to the studs, he did.
No!

He did.
Here's the other thing--

the phone has been
ringing nonstop.

You're gonna be
so busy today.

Everybody is talking to me
about interviewing with you.

Kurt Russell's people
have called,

and you've got an interview
with Steve Martin.

So, they're gonna
be calling you.

A very busy day,
very busy day.

First stop I guess
is Miranda coolidge.
She's at 11:00.

That was the other thing.

Miranda coolidge, though,
she has cancelled.

Something about a flu
or something.

They wouldn't quite divulge
and go into that.

That's it. That's it.

I'm so happy for you.

So the next day, I go back
and I order my salmon sandwich,

and I think, "I'm back. I'm back
'cause I love it so much."

It only took that
one day of having
the chicken salad sandwich

where I thought,
you know, "I am home

when I order
the salmon salad sandwich."

Just seeing you
at the festival--

it's fun seeing you at
the Toronto film festival.

It's fun to be here.

Why are you at
the Toronto film festival?

I'm here to promote my film
hot Havana nights.

And this is the first time
you've done full frontal nudity.

It's about time,
don't you think?

Because that's really
how you revive your career.

Yes. Now,
just out of curiosity--

I was gonna ask you,

when the balls get longer,
what do you do?

Well, that's what
low tables are for,

is if you walk into a room, and
you just get near a low table,

you just get
that little extra lift.

You stand the right way,
you can kind of rest yourself.

During a nude scene...
Mm-hmm.

...you rest your...

Testicles...on a low table.
On a low table.

It gives the illusion, actually,
that they're just kind of there.

They're just up
a little bit.

Kind of
almost like floating.
Mm-hmm.

Well,
that's a wonderful trick.

I wonder if everyone knows
that trick in porno films.

You see all these
porno films, you know?

Yeah, you do.
I know what you mean.

Or you hear about them,
especially if you're
staying in a hotel.

Right. That's where you hear
about them, in a hotel.

Something liquid
this way comes,

and you see all these cowboys,
and they're lassoing each other.

Where is that?

In this hotel
that I heard--

a friend of mine said
he went to a hotel once
and saw that film.

That would've been weird.

And had they known
that testicle-resting gimmick--

that's more of
a professional actor's thing.

I guess. Let's talk about--
let's talk about communists.

In Hollywood?
In Hollywood.

Are they still pulling
the strings?

You read this, that they're
pulling the strings.

How does Steve Martin feel

about such things
that I just said?

A lot of communism in Hollywood.
A lot of people are communists.

No! To this day?
Yes, a lot of--

operating the studios?

Yes, they are.
A lot of communists.
Running the town?

But I would never,
you know, name names.

You wouldn't name names.

No, I would not name names.
If I said Meg Ryan--

communist. Yeah.
No!

Absolutely.
Meg Ryan is a communist?

Exactly.

The girl next door
is the red girl next door.

Absolutely.

That's stunning.
Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks?

Uma thurman.

I knew that.
That I've heard.

I've heard that.

Everyone always says
that you,

Alec Baldwin,
and Robin Williams

are the hairiest men
in show business.

I don't think
I'm so hairy.

Well, people say you are.

You've got arms like
an otter, someone told me.

A craft service person.

He was making me
a ham sandwich,

and said, "old otter arms
will be here in 10 minutes."

Are you doing a special
on hairy people

so you can just take
the line out? I hate that!

We are! We're doing
a whole thing.

It's called "hairiest
freaks in Hollywood."

And we're gonna show
a picture of you,

we're going to show
a picture of Robin Williams,

and Alec Baldwin,
and Stephen Baldwin,

and Billy Baldwin,
and Larry Baldwin,

and shep Baldwin, and all
the baldwins--14 of them--

and they all look like
apes who have escaped.

You're one of the few Jews

who has really made it
in the business.

Actually,
I'm not Jewish.

But you know Jewish people.

Yes, I do.
And you've used
those connections.

I can't imagine
you wouldn't have.

Well, what are you saying?
You're, uh...

I think it's necessary
to use any ethnic group.

If I had an agent
who was a Muslim,

I'd use him.

Well, you're coming off
really, really well.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

This is a good interview.

There's lots of wonderful,
wonderful energy.

Would you like to know a little
about my acting technique or...?

You studied
with Lee strasberg.

Never did.
No kidding.

It's amazing
how quickly the time goes.

You get a lot
of bad reviews.

How does that
make you feel,

and how do you handle it,
Steve Martin?

Well, first of all,
a lot of people get bad reviews.

Charlie chaplin
got bad reviews.

Mm-mm.

Buster Keaton
got bad reviews.

No, not really.
Not on the level you get them.

Reading a bad review is--

you're reading along, you pick
up the paper in the morning,

you made this movie,
your heart is in it,

you're reading along,
you're fine, they sort
of describe the plot

and then suddenly
it's like a knife in the heart.

Like, a little line
or something,

that's about
you or the way you look.

It's just like somebody
is taking that knife

and just stabbing it
and stabbing it and stabbing it,

and twisting and twisting...

Stabbing!

Aah!

You see?

She's gonna
answer that door,

and you're gonna find out
it was all in your mind.

All in your head.

Do you not think I want it
to be all in my head?

Hey, fat.

Oh, hello, yes.
Jiminy glick. You remember.

And this is the wonderful--
this is Dixie.

D-i-x-i-e.
Dixie peach glick.

I don't know who you are.
This is good.

What is hanging between
your fat legs today, man?

What's going on?

We just thought that--

we heard miss coolidge
was under the weather,

so we brought her some flowers
and want to say hello.

Just a little cheer.

I cannot understand
your accent, man.

You talk
like a terrible pig.

Well. There we go,
just for you.

This is
for miss coolidge.

Cannot have flowers.

She is allergist. You know,
she take--sniff flowers,

her tits blow up
like great sports balls.

Actually,
give me the flowers.

Ooh, what a
terrible affliction.

Listen, man,
she cannot talking to you

because Miranda she--uh,
is building a dishwasher.

Building--
building a dishwasher?

It's a hobby.

It's just--

get out, fat!

I'd love to see her!

Fatting!

Fat person! Bloat!

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ hallelujah,
it's raining men ♪

What sound?

You know what?

We've got that appointment
with that dermatologist.

Thank you so much.

Terrible Dutch bitch!

♪ ...men,
hallelujah ♪

♪ it's raining ♪

Why is my cell phone
in there? I told you...

What I want to know--
because I killed her!

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

What the hell was your
cell phone doing in that room?

Don't you understand?
That means I was really
in that room.

Stupid, fat glick.

These are like
terrible people.

To watch them make love
must be very ugly.

Come on, come on.

What are you saying,
"come here?"

What are you
talking about?
Shh!

Jiminy!
This could be illegal.

Okay, not a word.
Keep it quiet.

Now, listen to me,
what I'm saying to you.

We've got to get
into Miranda's room

and get that cell phone.

Jiminy, I don't--
don't! Wait a minute!

Oh, it's not bad.

Oh, it's horrible.

I want you
to get on my back,

and then I'm gonna leap
like a little frog.

Just...are you okay?

Look how close we are.
See? It's not dangerous at all.

Oh!
Oh!

Okay. It's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.

This reminds me of that time
you got disoriented in buffalo.

Remember?
Yeah, I do.

Oh!
Oh!

With Lucy liu on board,
how does that affect Ashton?

Jiminy and Dixie:
Aah!

No diving!

That was a great idea.

Sorry.

We're gonna do things
my way now.

Where are you going?
Just watch!

Okay. Here you go.

Move it.

All right, let's go.
Come on.

Shh! Be quiet.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry.
There's nothing in there.

It's a closet.

I know what it is. I can see.
I have eyes in my head.

Shh...
Miss coolidge!

Shut up!

That's very good ass,
baby.

We have a fuck later,
okay, man?

Whoa.

These are nice digs.
Oh...

Va-va-va-voom.
Look how movie stars live.

This reminds me...

I wanted these
for the breezeway.

Hey, handsomeness,

this reminds me
of a little trip
we took to tampa.

I remember that trip.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Most boys wait till
the end of the day

to get their parfait.

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ hallelujah,
it's raining men ♪

Holy cow!
It's my phone!

♪ Raining men ♪

Where's it coming from?

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

♪ absolutely soaking wet ♪

It's my phone!
My phone!

Can you believe
my phone was there?

Uh, no, I can't.

What is your phone
doing in the room
of the bed of a woman?

So the fact that she
might have been bludgeoned,

that's no longer of
concern to you, is it?

I'm gonna knock
the shit out of you.

Oh? And what am I
gonna be doing

when you're knocking
the "s" out of me?

I don't care what you're doing.
You want a piece of me?

I'll punch you--
I'll sucker punch you
right in the box.

Find your own place!

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ hallelujah,
it's raining men ♪

♪ amen ♪

♪ I'm gonna go out ♪

♪ I'm gonna let myself-- ♪

Hello?

Oh, hi, Cuba gooding, Jr.,
how are you?

Wonderful.

Sly Stallone stole
your Caesar salad?

You know what? I can't have
this conversation right now.

It's just--
it's not a good time.

Aah!

Let's go, let's go!
Go, go, go, go, go!

Daddy,
Miranda coolidge is dead.

I saw her body
in a garment bag in a closet.

And my question to you is,

if you're up in heaven,

and if Miranda coolidge
is up there with you,

would you please ask her
if my husband murdered her?

I'm sorry. Anyway...

Gee, Kurt Russell
is jovial.

Good for him.

...some things
came together that day

that I can honestly say
I don't think have ever...

And yet I'm so confused.

If I killed
Miranda coolidge,

why would Andre divine
try to cover it up?

Anytime...

Oh! That's--that's--
that was wonderful!

You worked--
you worked--you--

you worked--you--
you--you--

you--you worked--

you--you--you worked--

I can't help you.

You worked with Elvis.
Elvis.
Yes.

Tell me about Elvis Presley.

I love Elvis!
Tell me about him.

I was 10 years old,
I guess,

and he was coming down
onto the set in his car--

oh, that's wonderful.

And then you end up
playing Elvis.

How does that feel?

That's like
a full journey, I suppose.

Yeah, it was.
It was, uh...

I'm just theorizing.
I don't know if I'm
right on this here,

but it seems like
if you meet someone,
then you do 'em--

I didn't meet him and do him.
I mean, you know...

But I mean
that if you meet him--

and then play him.
Play him.

Did you have
any instinct then

that his daughter might end up
marrying Michael Jackson?

I--you know--
I was a 10-year-old kid.

I had no--i wasn't
looking into the future.

Nic cage?

That she
would marry nic cage?

Yes.

No, that--i gotta
be honest with you...

And then you did--
oh, my god!

I love--
I love snake plissken!

Escape from New York,
escape from L.A.

Fun. Good,
great fun time.

He was
like Sammy Davis, Jr.

I guess you're going
with the eye patch there.

Had snake lost his eye?
It was a big mystery.

We never figured that out.

Why would he wear
an eye patch

unless he was on the way
to a masquerade party?

Something had
happened to him.
Something had happened to him.

I'm going with lost his eye
or lost his mind,

because you don't wear
an eye patch

unless your--
your eye is running,

you're blind,
someone's poked it.

We just came up
with the idea.

We said, you know, "snake
should have an eye patch."

Why didn't you black out two
front teeth and do a hoedown?

No, he was supposed to be,
a tough guy, a bad guy,

so I thought
I'd wear an eye patch.

There's nothing
wrong with him,

but let's assume
he's lost his eye!

That was it.
I'm not gonna get angry here.

But that's the kind of--
it's the new Hollywood attitude.

I think you're supposed
to be creative.
I think that's fair.

You should try to
create a character
that people might remember

or find right
for the movie.
That's all that was.

Well, then, I'll put
a turban on and not explain it.

Dixie: Matthew!

Modine!

Boys?

Are you down here?

Your husband
is not a murderer.

Well, if he didn't do it,
then who did?

This way!
This way!

This is Jay schiffer
at the final awards ceremony

at the Toronto film festival,

and to our
francophone friends...

I can't believe
you're still mad at me.

Of course
I'm angry at you.

I can't believe you think
I'd kill someone with a knife.

What about that time I was
on that bender in Branson?

That was different.
You were standing on a ledge,

and you pissed
on the crowd below.

We haven't heard
from the police,
which is a bad sign.

I just know
I'm gonna be arrested.

I'm sorry
I called the police.

When I find a dead body,
I call the police.

And the winner...
Goyim, goyim, gone.

Rabbi Bernard schleifling.

First of all, I will not
do well in prison.

You're not going to prison.
Well, I hope not.

That's just silly.

Because I'll be known
as new meat.

Well, you already are
known as new meat.

There's a line
in the mishnah that says,

"he who makes a name
for himself destroys his name,"

But I don't believe that,
because tonight I feel like god!

Here to present
the Carl reis award

for best editing of
a black-and-white feature film,

ladies and gentlemen,
Miranda coolidge.

Oh, my god,
she's alive.

She's alive.

She looks good.

When Carol reitz
first published

his semenal work
on film editing...

Man: Seminal!

...many of the film editors
nominated tonight

were still in diapers.

It's like I've done
ecstasy or something.

I'm not. I've only had,
like, six or seven gins.

And the winner...
Bernard clairvaux.

Fabulous.

I guess Bernard is not here.
Well...

I guess I'll be accepting
his award this evening for him.

Thank you. Thanks.

Wow. I have to say that
this is really an honor.

You have all been so supportive
of Miranda coolidge

through these
incredibly difficult times.

Thank you.
This means the world to me.

I love you all.

What a lovely,
lovely woman.

God!

Well, I am
in a state of shock.

Jiminy: Oh, my god! Cheeses!
This is typical.

They always make people
finger everything.

Where were you?
I look out in the audience,
you're not there.

What do you mean?
I was standing right here?

People applauding me.
I was back.

And I'm out there on the stage,
and I'm giving and I'm giving,

and all I ask
is that you show up.

I cannot show up
if I am chasing whores!

The only person I needed--

what do you think I'm doing,
you stupid slut?

Where is the liquor?
There's no liquor here.

What did you see
in that closet?

I saw a dead body,

and I will swear on my
sweet lord Jesus that I did.

I'm standing right here, dear.
I think that--

Jiminy, what was that?
What?

What ha--?

Mr. Divine is dead.

Who did this to him?

I did it.
I did it.

I did it.

Goddamn it, mother, can't I
have something of my own?

I did it!

This is absolutely
mind-boggling,

because this is just
like the Lana turner/
Johnny stompanato scenario.

Think of it--
that could be stompanato.

Follow me in this.
I know I'm losing you.

She would be Lana Turner,

and you would--

yes!
You would be the daughter.

Oh, my goodness,
it's like a puzzle.

But what is the answer
to the puzzle?

Perhaps I
can shed some light.

Take a seat, won't you?

Sure.

I like the idea
of a dark road.

You see, life is filled
with, uh, mysteries,

and some of those mysteries
can be very abstract.

Like the night at the party
for queens of Africa.

Miranda got very,
very drunk.

When this kind of thing
happened,

Dee Dee would dress up
as Miranda

in an attempt
to fool the paparazzi.

Hey, look, they're all
here to see me.

Here's a suggestion.

Since this is obviously going
to take a little bit of time,

should we order in
some box lunches?

All: Shh!

So I'm the only one
who's hungry.

Is that the game
we're going to play?
Shh!

Hush now, lumpy,
hush now.

Anywho...

At that point of time,

Randall bookerton had been
hatching a devious plan.

I have to wring it out.
It is because of me.

We need that little fat bastard
right there to see our movie.

Until he do,
we ain't gettin' nowhere.

Him. He's got the power
to make or break us.

Where is
your penis, man?

♪ 'Cause it's solo ♪

♪ all alone ♪

♪ on my own ♪

He in the bathroom,
Jack fool!

Please don't harm me!

What the hell's wrong with you?
Get him out of here.

Come on!

Oh, please,
it's like a nightmare!

Lynch: They took
jiminy across town

to a local Canadian
hip hop club

called pimps and hosers...

Jiminy:
What a charming dance hall.

...where they forced him
to watch their film.

Where did all
the trees go, momma?

We in the city now, baby.

They don't got trees.

Careful, little roach.

Looks like
that big ol' transvestite

is fixin'
to whip his dick out

and pee
right on the sidewalk!

Bookerton: What you
are watching is art.

This is africanimation.

Lynch: They spiked his alcohol
to ensure a rave review.

I never drink beer. It's like
hanging with common people.

This is fun.
Yes. Go ahead.

Lord, look at the way
he takes that.

That's real good.

Jiminy: That is so true.

Someone evidently
had slipped me half a roofie.

And, oh, my god,

I am completely
now mentally insane,

tripping amidst a sea
of frightening imagery.

All: Shh!

The next person
who shushes me is in trouble.

Lest we forget

that I was leg-wrestling
champion of my dormitory.

Anywho...

At that point of time,

glick is so intoxicated,

he thinks he's watching
a classic.

You gonna die!

Do it!

No!

Lynch: Satisfied their screening
had been successful,

it was time to party.

What the hell happened?

Lynch: Glick staggers back
to the fairmount hotel,

where he runs into Dee Dee,
who he thinks is Miranda.

I need to rest,
I think.

You could maybe
crash out up in my room.

You know, I have something
I'd like to show you.

Oh, I've got something
I'd love to show you.

Lynch: Before Dee Dee
can show him

the script
she's trying to sell...

Glick passes out.

At that time, uh...

Natalie rushed
into the bed

to find a passed-out
jiminy glick.

This was the kind
of darkness...

Are you cheating on me?

...that drew the magnet
of madness into her hand.

She picked up a knife

and stabbed...
Stabbed...Stabbed...!

...stabbed!

Stabbed!

The way I see it.

Dixie:
Jiminy, quit eatin'.

Sometimes,
strangely enough,

when I'm choking,
more food helps.

Lynch: When Miranda and Andre
finally returned,

they found Natalie
unconscious.

Oh, my god!
Get up!

Natalie, she's fallen like
a Russian stewardess, man.

These are mine!
I've been looking for these!

Quick! We have to make her
tea from her own clothing!

I pick her up like
a fireman in my country.

Hey! Burned person!
Get up now!

Get up off the ground,
you charcoal!

That did not work. All right,
you take her. Come on.

Mommy's here.

Come on. I be mommy.

Just...boil water
in a government can.

She's gonna throw up.

I know. We have to stick
a long thing down her throat.

I take out my cock,
you make it happy.

Oh, shut up!
Come on, honey.

Come on.
I tickle back of throat.

Barf big for mommy.

Ugh. Jesus.

That smells like the
government building in rigash.

Oh, mom, he's grabbing
my butt again. Mom!

We gotta get her
into the bedroom.

Crazy person,
into the bed. Oh...

Miranda: Oh, my god!
Andre: Oh, my lord!

Natalie: I killed her.
She killed Dee Dee.

There was another guy
in the bed, I swear to god.

Who in bed?

Louie Anderson
was in bed with Dee Dee.

Fat man Louie Anderson.
I hate that guy.

This hotel is so full
of fat baby mans.

What are we gonna do?

Lynch: At that point,

Miranda's maternal instincts
kicked in,

and she hired a private jet
to take she and Natalie

back to their compound
in New Jersey.

I didn't know that.

Meanwhile, Andre arranged
the disposal of Dee Dee's
body,

utilizing, shall we say,

some former
business associates.

There is lesbian in bag
in hallway. Take her away!

Dixie: Wait a minute.
Now I'm confused.

Who was that body
that I saw in that closet?

That was Andre's
blow-up sex doll.

He had to have it, like,
six or seven times a night.

Good gracious! You poor thing!
It's ridiculous.

I don't know why
he wouldn't just go

for some good
old-fashioned porno.

Miranda: You watch porno?
Dixie: I like it hardcore.

'Cause they generally
have big, big, big penises,

if you know
what I mean!

'Course, fuckin' me
after four kids

is like fuckin' a purse,
but that's why I generally--

honey...

Remember what I told you
about the word "mystique"?

Sometimes, when you
create a little mystique...

If we could just try
to remember

that I have a pedicure
booked at midnight.

My, that would
be appreciated.

Thanks.

At any rate,

back in New Jersey,
Natalie found Dee Dee's diary

and discovered
that Dee Dee and Andre

were having an affair.

Natalie boarded
the next plane to Toronto

and confronted him.

She was my girlfriend and she
loved me until you came along!

You are like a terrible
Mexican woman with a radio
in her pussy, man!

Shut up! You make no sense,
you hairy bastard!

I make sense!

Oh...!

Andre...

Has new hole...

On his front!

Hey. Hey.

Yeah, I had some charges
on my room,

charges for
some minibar stuff.

Okay, well,
we can look over that.

See, I don't do
anything "mini."

What's your
room number, sir?

I don't think
you understand who I am.

We just won
the best picture here.

Yeah!

We won that.
Us. We did.

Miranda,
smile for the camera.

A little privacy
in these trying times, please.

Gentlemen, please. Please.
My client has no comment.

She's been directed to speak
only to the authorities

or through me, her manager
and friend, Barry king.

There'll be
a press conference
this evening

where all questions
will be answered

including some
very exciting tidbits

about some wonderful projects
that we have upcoming.

We're all very lucky.

Rob lowe:
That's the problem with
interviews today in Hollywood.

It's all about the sound bite.
Hurry up. Get the sound bite.

You want something from me
that you can put together

and then you can
run in a promo--

Rob lowe eats a sandwich
down on rodeo drive
with Demi Moore!"

That's not the way
I live my life.
I'm a real person.

Isn't it amazing?

Just six months ago, when I
was talking to Arlene sheehy,

I was so bored,

and here I am talking to
brat packer Rob lowe, no less.

...i, me, me, I,
i, me, I...

...and I'm equally bored.

What have I learned,
I wonder.

Oh, yes. Celebrities
can be dull.

When the shutter
goes like this,

it's actually
not photographing you.

Not photographing,
not photographing,

not photographing,
not photographing.

It's what's
not photographed

that lends the mystery
to film acting.

You can't get it
from the stage.

You cannot get it
from the stage.

What's your kryptonite?
Mine's cheese parmesan.

What would yours be?

Uh...

What is my kryptonite?

What did I just ask?

Let's see.
My kryptonite, I guess...

Boy, I don't know.
Fast cars? I don't know.

I'm glad I asked you.
That's--that's a good one.

That really shows you're
at the top of your game.

Yeah. What's your--?
Oh, you already said.

Cheese parmesan.
I'll rewind the tape.

Kurt Vogel--

This is like sitting
in the principal's office!

Kurt Vogel--

yes?

I'm not gonna come close
to making it!

You're gonna be fine.

Kurt--Kurt Vogel Russell--
is that your name?

That's it, jiminy.

Oh, shit!

And you were
a cheerleader.

I was, in high school.

Yoo-hoo!

Everyone must
have stared at you.

Talk about being gay!

What was that like?

Why wouldn't you join
the team like normal fellas?

Why did you want to
get the pom-poms going

and be like a big,
silly yoo-hoo?

Why did you want to be
a cheerleader, Steve Martin?

Uh, well, i--
need to recompose myself.

Yes, I'll ask that again.
Ready?

No, don't.
I'll just pick it up.

Okay.
Hold it.

Everyone said,
"this is gonna stiff!

And it's gonna be dull."

And, I mean, Goldie hawn
said that to me in the hallway.

She said, "this is
a waste of your time."

She's kind of right.

This is her opinion,

and she pushed about four other
friends on me as an option.

Well, this has been
absolutely fun.

None of it is usable.

We edit tremendously,
and I can't see it working.

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ and when the daylight comes,
gonna beg for more ♪

♪ I get in my favorite song ♪

♪ the place is jumpin' ♪

♪ 'cause the d.J.'S
givin' it up ♪

♪ and I really like ♪

♪ the way the music's feelin' ♪

♪ think I'll dance
till the sun comes up ♪

♪ we're goin' crazy ♪

♪ everyone's movin' ♪

♪ so come and get me ♪

♪ if you can ♪

♪ 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ yeah,
'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ goin' all night ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ and when the daylight comes
gonna beg for more ♪

♪ gonna beg for more ♪

Hello! I'm jiminy glick,
and welcome to lalawood!

Jiminy: I'm one of these guys
that needs it regular.

Andre: Don't touch me, man.
I'm not a homoist.

Jiminy: Let's talk about
all the different

Hollywood ladies
you've balled.

Andre:
People in the room say,

"look at the girl.
She has wonderful tits.

I go upstairs alone,
and I rub against things."

"I go upstairs alone,
and I rub against things."

Jiminy: Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!

Is it true that you shaved
your down-there hair?

Andre: You are like
a terrible Mexican woman

with a radio in her pussy!

Jiminy: Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!

Kiefer!!!

Jiminy:
Would you do nudity?

Arlene:
If it was tastefully done.

Jiminy: It couldn't be, dear.

Arlene: Oh, I can think
of some things.

Jiminy: No, it couldn't be.
Trust me, it couldn't be.

Ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha!

I'm one of these guys
that needs it regular.

Lynch: Hush now, lumpy,
hush now.

Jiminy: I need a nightly pop
from my lady.

And sometimes
Dixie's awake for it.

Usually not.

Mario: Man, I'll knock
your ass out.

Bookerton: 1...2...3...4...5.

See, I'm for real.
You believe that.

Andre:
That's very good ass, baby.

We have a fuck later,
okay, man?

Dixie: 'Course, fuckin' me
after four kids

is like fuckin' a purse.

You're darn right.

Nah mean?

Jiminy: I'm lovin' what you're
giving me, my lady!

Lynch: I like the idea
of a dark road,

for I know that the darkness
of the unknown

is like a magnet

luring the innocent
into a world of corruption.

Nah mean?

Nah mean?

Nah mean?

Boat captain: Pull harder,
you foxy-looking piece of ass.

Nah mean?

Nah mean?

Jiminy:
You've seen the crown jewels.

Sharon: I have.

Jiminy: And the scepter.

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!!!

Oh, kiefer's coming back!
I like him now.

♪ You gotta try
to keep the faith ♪

♪ and, no,
it's not too late ♪

♪ to believe,
to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

♪ when there's no hope
in sight ♪

♪ never lose the fight ♪

♪ to believe,
to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

♪ to believe,
to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

♪ to believe,
to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

Jiminy: I love the shallowness
of it all!